Combo dinosaur car wash/church parking lot.

Combo dinosaur car wash/church parking lot.

Time-traveling inventor inundated by admirers from the future.

What would happen if a normal person got sucked into a TV show?

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome back to another episode about me. There's COVID nineteen
edition and I'm your host, Kevin Pom. I guess that
Ken Well, I'd say you need to blue youth in
a better future if you want to smile ever again.
But I digress. Let's meet. They're alco to show me
in no particular order, say Lord of James Heeney, Johnny Tunicks,

(00:23):
how often would you say you clean your inner ears
my inner ears? Uh? I would say many times a day,
but usually I just used my pinky fingers. If I
want a day no, no, no, that's that's that's regular
day out of the shower. I use cute tips. Oh yeah,

(00:46):
I would advise you against que tips. Also they can
cause damage. Hey it's Jack Luway, new fan FAIV. What
can you tell us about your least favorite abor growing up?
I don't know if this is controversial. I just lived

(01:06):
next to white people in my whole life, so that
you're always like the one black family in the suburbs.
So it's kind of like, okay, but you don't go
over to their houses. But it's like I remember one
time my mom was like, don't eat over there, just
don't go just whatever, you just don't eat, but you
can go say hi. So that was but I had

(01:27):
pretty good neighbors other than that, nice, very nice. Other
than the angry white people. It was okay. Yeah, I
turned out decent. Yeah, look out, it's Craigkowski Coco. When
movie theaters open near you capacity, are you going? No, sir,
I am not, And I am heartbroken about that. Like

(01:50):
even arc Light, which is humongous and where I would
normally go, I'm just I'm not there yet. Yeah, I'm
not there yet. I don't want to be in an
enclosed space with recirculating air with anyone right now. And
I go to the movies literally eight times a month,
maybe twice a week. You know, I'm a movie goer, right,

(02:10):
And so would that rule out airplanes for you as well?
Speaking airplanes enclosed spaces with circulating air, although they insist
they have the circulating airs similar to a hospital. Most
of the airlines are claiming that now, so it's all
it's all deadly poisonous. Can't we just develop a fish

(02:30):
bowl helmet that has an air pack on it. It's
gonna help us with COVID, but we're ruining the planet anyways.
It will help us breathe forever after? Does it have
to be a fish bowl? That was something that my
head will fit inside of the typical astronaut helmet. Like,
let's just go there, let's start now, and then we
can go to the movies. James, when you say we,

(02:51):
I think that's you. I think you're the one who
has to develop that prototype. Ladies, we've got Chris Avarado
on trombone blisz even in cut off jeans. Favorite dish
at a Chinese restaurant. I feel so much pressure, so
I'm gonna have to back away from this there. I

(03:13):
just love I love Chinese food. I love Chinese food.
Don't you have a great spot Kevin Downtown or something
like that? Or they do the slippery shrimp? Slippery shrimp?
What makes it slip just down your gullet? Oh, hold on,
I like that slippery shrimp? What makes it slip down

(03:38):
your golet? And last, but check your pants for a
load if you think of least it's Joey Greer Steve,
have you ever had a dream of either being arrested
or accused of murder? Yeah? I was watching bench watching
Sons of Anarchy because you lost ahead. I got problems
due it was I was second and as I'm watching it,

(03:59):
I'm I watched like three seasons just one sitting because
I got lack of one on. And I walked away
from that thinking that I was in a crime family
and I was like, oh this ship, dude, I got
all this. Oh my god. Then I had a dream
where I was a part of some kind of syndicate
organized crime family that we killed somebody, and I was like,
all right, I live with that. Now that's my life.

(04:21):
I gotta just it is the weirdest thing when it
happens in a dream, and it's so real because if
if your conscious mind is still working on normal thoughts,
it is like what, how did this? Why? Why is
this now? But also if our listeners could see Joey,
he literally looks like a cast member from Since of Anarchy.

(04:42):
Right now, somebody get my motorcycle out of out of
my house. That is wait a minute, is this a dream?
Oh no, all right, let's do a damn show. Sal
we shall we. All of our scene suggestions are gathered
from your listener emails. Are atron v I ps to
become a patron supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive

(05:04):
content and other perks. Just head on over to patreon
dot com slash alchemy this. If you'd like to submit
a scene suggestion via old timmy email, please write to
the podcast at your name here, locoy this dot com.
That's your name here, cove me this dot scene one
comes from patroon v I P. Hailey, who wrote, Hi everyone,
I'm a newish Patreon member and I wanted to say

(05:26):
thanks for all the sweet bonus content. I really like
the sound effects episode and twitch hangs. This is my
scene suggestion. Since Quarantine started, my boy boyfriend and I
have been spending a lot of time on our third
floor balcony, which overlooks a twenty four hour dinosaur themed
car wash that also has a small church in the back. Yeah,

(05:50):
the combination attracts a lot of strange characters. I'd love
to hear your take on our rare window dinosaur car wash,
church parking lot of situation. Thanks Hailey in Austin, please
do a show here when all this is over all right,
we'd love to come to it. It's too much, it's
too much. How is this too much? You see this?

(06:12):
People are pretty, people are people are in a church
service while the cars are being washed. It doesn't make sense.
How does it work? And what way does it not
make sense? That you're you're accomplishing. You're accomplishing two things
that I mean, it's kind of great. Well what do
you do when you go to a car that doesn't
have a church in the back. That's first of all,
that's most of them, and I just most of them.

(06:34):
Let's say all of them. Let's come into all of them. Okay,
all of them don't have it. That's my point. Listen, listen, listen.
I just had this, had this discussion. But my dad
owns this place, had about that. Okay, so I could
tell him to shut it down if I wanted to. Okay,
he takes all of his orders from his kid, his
smartass son. Some look, if you can show me a

(06:56):
miracle that has occurred here or something where Jesus is
actually in a house, I might back away. Right now.
It feels like too much. Okay, So until Jesus comes
here to get his car wash, you've got a problem. Bingo. Okay,
now we're clear. All right, Let's make a guirl shortlist
of the things you told your father to do that
he did, starting with he got rid of uh job. Right,

(07:20):
he got rid of a jock. Right, jock was opinion
too muscular? Yes, boom, he got rid of him. My dad,
my dad added the vending machine with the with the
air fresheners. Because you said dad would need an air
freshener vending machine. Yeah, that's crazy. And and look last thing,
I asked my dad to make me the manager. And

(07:40):
look I'm the manager. Okay, okay, is that that's not
your dad? No, that's the dinosaur sounds of the cars
going through the dryer. Listen, I'm going in my office.
I can't take this. Show me a miracle, Show me
a miracle. Um, excuse me. I was wondering if maybe

(08:01):
I could help by giving a benefit of having the
church by you. I am Father Johnson, and I was
thinking about maybe blessing the water of your car wash. Okay,
what do you say? I'm saying that if you would

(08:22):
like me to bless the water of your car wash,
if we can have a better relationship, you me, the church,
the car wash, maybe going forward we can have a
better relationship. It would be as simple as WHOA what
the reverend Carmack, how are you doing? I'm doing well.
I'm making an agreement my my dad. Whenever I tell

(08:47):
him that I want something done, he usually follows along,
so I'd be willing to give him a good word
for you and your car wash. Are you referring to
God as your father? Yes? Okay, hey john Thought, Hey father,
car Michael Johnson. Can I ask you a question? Yes?
What what happens when Jesus comes back? Well, when he

(09:11):
comes back? Just going? It's on my answer that I'm
actually running the church right back here behind the car washing.
I'm happy to tell you what happens when Christ returns.
Revelational speaks of a firmament, a lightning, lightning in the sky,
breaking we can I was just helping you. It seems
like you've got it pretty good. I do a permanent firmament, Yeah,

(09:37):
I do. Is a line that often happens when I'm running, Sir,
I do. How's it going? So what do you want?
You want the car wash? Number two? Number three? Special?
Let me tell you number four. You get full wax
and armor on the tires. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, okay,
go give it to me again. He said, Uh, the
car wash was number one, okay, okay, but number one

(10:00):
is you know why didn't get your car washed? So
moving on number two, that's a second, Wait a second,
what about Yeah, I just want to get my car washed.
I just I really want to urge you not to
go with number one. Al Right, okay, give give me
the rest, all right? Number two is full wash with
rainbow wax, and number three is rainbow wax double time. Okay,

(10:23):
So back to number three. So does number three have
a full car wash or it's just the rainbow wax
with the other things you said. Look, I'm gonna be
honest with number three. You're a real fast talker. Man.
Look this is I'm a car wash guy. You know
what I mean? This is the bus. Look, number three
car wash washes full car wash, rainbow wax, but also

(10:46):
a confession. You get a confession. I don't know if
that's what you're into. I don't push that part of it,
do you know what I mean? If you want, you
can switch out armor all you can switch out with
confession for armor. All okay, Well, given number four, but
number three is paring sound and pretty sweet right now?
Sound pretty sweet? Right now? Is that because of the
armoral or the confession? Wouldn't you like to know. I

(11:11):
would the confession. Oh my god, this sinceens crazy. I can't.
Where are you taking me? Chuck? This as files? What
is this? It's a dinosaur theme co wash. Wait, Chuck,
this is oh my god, this is so sweet normal.
It's a real real dinosaurs that they you know, they

(11:31):
found like DNA trapped in amber and then they replicated
them and you kind of drive by them as you
go through the car washing ship Koski Park. It's like
Kimowski Park, but it's smaller. It's more more of a
car wash. Oh my god, big wait, there's a real dinosaurs, Chuck.
They get like five or six you know dinosaurs. Because
again it's a car wash, it's relatively small. I can't, Chuck.
I can't if I go in there and I see

(11:52):
the what did they come inside? What did the dinosaurs
come inside? You inside? Your call the whole time you did.
That's gonna protect you, Chuck. You gonna project you, Chuck.
Their talents are like stone. Okay, they can bust through
a window. Chuck, got like one, They got like one
t rex and one. Please, it's not gonna crush the cars.

(12:17):
Let's just go to a seventy six let's just get
our car washing seventy six? Good? How can I help you?
I gotta come on from last time? Good? Can you
reassure my girlfriend everything is totally safe here? Of course? Um,
so we use all environmentally safe and friendly chaps. Well,

(12:42):
that's the t Rex. That's the t rex, that's you know,
let's just go to seventy six. Chuck, Please, let's just
go to don't say that now, listen, ma'am. I assure
you this car will come out spotless, and if you want,
I can throw it in armor all and one feet. Okay,
let's do that. Let's do that. Let's do yeah. Well,

(13:05):
we'll give you man, take this knife. I'm gonna give
you a live goat. Now it's up to you whether
or not you want to slice the goat's throat or feeding.
That is up to you. All right, go ahead, moving on.
I feed it whole. I think is that I want
to get the goat blood all over my car. You know,
they'll clean it, they'll clean it. Okay, babe, we're going
to seventy six. We're going to seventy six thousand BC

(13:26):
is where we're going. Maybe seventy six million, Like I
don't know, I don't know when dinosaurs lives. Dinosaurs live
at the same time as humans. No, no, no, no,
Bible Like, look, I know you're a creationist. Bible. No no, baby,
the Earth is way older than three thousand years old. Okay,
the Earth, it's not. It's it's like thirty years old.

(13:50):
If you weren't so fucking hot, you're hot to me,
would do to me? Okay? You got free the goat,
Give it the goat. The Welcome to the seventies six
car wash. We got a Halloween theme with scares and dares.
How can I help you today? I came here are you?

(14:14):
Are you go for it? But just to be clear,
I do want to know about the dares. Well, then
I absolutely because I'm here to make a complaint. I
came through this horror themed thing, and there was a
serial killer that came home to my house in my
back seat of my car. These are unrelated acts. Sorry,
we don't unt serial killers that work at the car wash. Well,

(14:37):
that definitely sounds like one of the scares, so I
wanted to hear about. Listen, this guy was dressed like
Michael Myers and so showed up at my house three
days later. Okay, all right, well I believe that's a
situation you want to take to the police. Sir. What
did you come here for a free car wash or something?
Because serial killer came to the house that worked for me.

(14:58):
Second of all, excuse me, you left some change in
your car at the car worker. Oh my god, who
are you? You're at the Nissan Central right, Yeah, I
have a niece on Santra. What are you doing at
my house? I'm returning your change to you. This is bullshit.

(15:20):
You shouldn't follow me home that this is my private
residence that was supposed to be scarce. That happened at
the car washing. My co workers stared me to do this. Okay, well,
I'm going to report you to your to your bosses
were normally we just keep the change. I'm being honest.
I'm returning it. Well, thank you. I'm taking the change,

(15:41):
but I don't appreciate you following my family home here
where I didn't follow it. Now, look, Monica, we like
you here at this car washer. Okay, we like you
a lot. The problem is, I'm going I'm going going
through your file here. It seems like you've got a
lot more scarce than dares yeah, I've been doing a scaring.
I'm pretty good at it. You know. I just go

(16:02):
knocked on the doors and I say boo boo, and
then I was it's pretty scary. You know, people just
jumping stuff. They're so jumping in these streets. You know. Look,
you know we went on up reviews. Okay, so we
need to get those dares up. So if you can
do me a favorite the rest of the week, the
rest of the month, even get those dare numbers up. Okay,
come on, okay, okay, I hear, Okay, I'm sorry. I

(16:23):
just want to get my car washed. I don't know
who to talk to. You. Well, are you gonna damon
to do it? To that? Damnit to do it. I'm
gonna dare you to do it, damn to do it. Sorry,
I dare you to wash my car. Okay, okay, all right,
sirts see I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Boo o. Jesus,

(16:48):
my heart, oh my god, oh my god. Say anything.
He has to heart attack. Okay, everything seems to be fine.
You are having an extended orgasm hard No, no, it's
not your heart. It's not your heart is totally fine.

(17:11):
We praise him him okay, oh, okay, you're done. You're done.
B bus. I don't know. I think he has having
a heart attack. Like do I have to clean this
stuff up? Please don't. I'm good to do that. Please don't.
I promised I will. I will quit right now that

(17:34):
you're not. I'm not gonna. So you're a doctor. That's crazy,
Like what's like, like what do you kind of like
do you like a crazy it's a whole but you
see like a lot of crazy ship. Yeah what huh?
Sometimes I do? You know, so like that, I have

(17:56):
to be honest with you. My last boyfriend and I
like we broke up, um like a really while ago,
and we went to this you get even by t
Rex and I told him I didn't want to go
to this, Like you know, there's like a church car
wash t Rex. Oh that that place. Yeah, it's sucking.
Scared the ship out of me. It shows when when

(18:17):
the dinosaurs lived at the same time as Jesus. Right, yes,
oh my god, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, Oh
my Goshdre, I didn't know that you're a Christianist as well.
Oh my gosh, it's so mean a Christianist. This is insane,

(18:38):
Like Okay, this is gonna sound crazy, but do you
want to cut each other and then mix our blood
together and drink that? Yes? Yes, yes, I do, yes,
oh my heart. Um, all right, listen, I talked to
my dad, and my dad said, I can do whatever
I want. So do you have any miracles for me

(18:59):
on this Monday? Miracles? What time of miracles you're looking for? Well?
I thought, I mean it cleared our first conversation that
I will close the church portion down of this car
wash unless you can provide me with some miracles, right,
And I thought I made my position clear last time
I spoke that I just need to know what miracle
do you want? I don't, I mean, I don't any

(19:24):
miracle at all. Could be I'm just spitballing. Your father dies,
you take over the company. Who's who's hey? Hey it's Marian.
Did did someone say a miracle? I'm sorry, My butterfly

(19:45):
is all the way. Um. You know I don't do
this often, um, but I was just walking bad this
this parking lot, and I heard it. I felt it
in my spirit and you know, thick and be rick
up then you and it's just you know I do

(20:05):
that sometimes and I just wanted to bless you with
my voice and my presence. Okay, this is what I'm
talking about. My dad owns this place. I'm the manager. Wow.
So you're poor, Okay, yeah, you spend It's Mike. Have
you spent any time in our chapel? Oh no, I

(20:29):
worship Maria. Mariah worships Mariah. That's Maria Carry holy ship.
That t Rex just picked up Mariah Carry. Oh God, Mick,
can you Stephanie? This is crazy? Okay. So I got

(20:56):
two tickets to front row tickets to see Mariah Carry
in concert. Hello, Stephanie, wake up, Okay, wake up. I
just bucked in your room to tell you that I
just go I'm sorry. I had to take up my
sea pap machine. You know I had troubles at night.

(21:17):
I know. First off, you don't need that. Okay, if
you just pray, it'll go away. And I'm Jason Bentley.
That was Bobo's on the radio. Morns become eclectic. Um,
some really bad news we have tonight at the part
of me this morning, Mariah Carry was eaten by a dinosaur. Um.

(21:38):
She had a big concert plan for tonight. And what
are you doing in the radio booth? Who he is, hell,
are you doing? What are you doing? Jason Bentley whose
Jason bent That's seen one old my oh kicks from
the booth see two controls From David all the way

(22:03):
from Australia, who wrote high Alchemist. I was thrilled when
you used my first suggestion about Stonehenge. I'd never written
to a podcast before, and hearing my words read read
back by that Kevin Pollock felt like alternate universe is colliding.
Speaking of segues my scene suggestion. Moments after completing the

(22:27):
time travel equations, an inventor is inundated by admirers from
alternative futures. Huh, who knows you do what you do best?
Keep up the amazing work, David from Australia. And if

(22:49):
we just lined this up, interrupting doctor, but they were
almost finished with this experiment. Just let me focus because
if I messed this up, the spacetime continuum right, But
if I just needed to know from the kitchen, if
you want a tuna fish or tuna salad, oh, jeesnish
tuna salad. Sorry, tune a melt or tune a salad?

(23:10):
Oh take okay, tuna melt or tuna salad I'll take
the tuna. I'll take the tuna. Fuck, oh, just surprised me.
Give me a tuna surprise, tuna surprise, it is, sir,
Thank you so much, Sorry for interrupting. Okay, where was I?

(23:31):
I think it's done. So did you say salad or
did you say melt? He said to the melt. He
did not specify cheese, So eny cheese I want? Mhmm?
Keep sure? Do you think that it's just a genius? Man?
I know exactly what kind of cheese he wants, but
it's always up to me. Got a cheese that I

(23:53):
want to put on the sandal? Just that's not how
genius works. How why do you know a woman? M hmm? Stupid?
I bet I could make a machine. I bet I
can make a time machine. But all the time I
go all the back and all the times you want
to know what chees? Rather than suggesting you could make
the machine, why don't you just choose where in time

(24:15):
you'd like to travel, and then we could sneak in
there later and off you go. I never thought of
that we could do that, right? So why don't we
set the complaining aside? The mindless complaining that fills you
with mindless it's a definitely pointed I know why I'm
complaining right from the inside going out probably has a point,
but probably exists. There's no point. Everyone here are sheep.

(24:41):
You're all sheep. It's just to be taking advantage by
this point, just because he isn't the greenest science. We
just trust a man who likes science. It's just you
and I and the tuna fish. So why don't we
stay focused? All right? Focus, Gouda, I'm focused? Where in

(25:02):
time shall we travel later? How about? How about the
time you shut up? When was that? Is there a time?
Well that shut me up? Professor? Professor? My name is
zan thorpe A sixteen. I come from the year. I

(25:22):
live in the fourth quadrant of commedia. Sir, sir, thank you,
thank you first of all for your wonderful in mentioned.
But you must decide what you want for lunch today.
It will affect it will affect the future if you
don't decide on a specific tuna dish. Is it too late?
If I've already ordered you come here just moments too late?

(25:44):
I ordered it to the surprise, Oh god, you did.
Then you can't go back in time, Professor. It is
me zant. I come from the fourth quadrant of Comedia.
I was just here a moment ago. Okay, okay, then
go far up back in time. I don't mean to
just I think you're you're still here, Yes you williot,

(26:07):
I'm here. What are you doing right, professor? Professor? My
name is I am from why you're from Clamidia. I know,
I know who you are. You're here two times done already, Okay,
I get it. That's a different guy. That's different. I didn't.

(26:28):
I was enough to go up that sand thorpe and
you are you are? I'm in common. No, this guy,
this guy is full of from I'm from the eighth
quadron of Chlamydia. I know, guys, all right, I mean
I don't know about I'm not. I'm not. But anyway,

(26:52):
I get out here. Wait, don't go that was strange. Okay.
You guys are the same person, Yeah, we are the
same different go the same, all right. So all you
gotta do is tell me what to order, because I
ordered tuna surprise, Tuna surprise. Yes, that's exactly it. That's
what I ordered. No, No, that that leaves too much
power to the kitchen. Well, I want to be surprised.

(27:15):
That's not a good all right, all right, so why
don't you guys come back with me to the kitchen.
Come back with me to the kitchen or what what
were you going to say? I see that you're about
to say something. I'm not from the future, you guys
are tell me, so you were we were going to
go back to the kitchen where the guys making the sandwich.

(27:36):
Right now you're saying yes, and we were going to
tell them what we want. What whatever the best for
the future is, is what I'll order right now. I'll
say that we were surprised when a tidal wave wiped
out the continent of Australia. So that surprise unwelcome because
you couldn't make up your mind. Okay, that's fine, But

(27:57):
why don't we just go back there and tell the
chef what I order that will make the future better.
I'll give it a shot. Xanthor alright, alright, Zanthorpe, I'll
do it. Okay, okay, all right, it's right this way,
this is thank you, fellow. Mean she could passage up

(28:17):
this way, we'll be able to go into the back
way of his science laboratory and from there then I
can jump into his stupid time machine and prove wanting
for all. But I am mr. Do you know that
you're talking out loud in this dark hallway? Yes, child,
I do, all right, Okay, It just it seems like

(28:41):
you're just giving a lot of way right now. And
I don't know if that was supposed to be a secret. Okay, listen,
I have in a condition. I give a lot of
exposition when I walk alone. All right, That's just what
I do. Okay, But I am compiling some kind of fellowship.
Would you like to join me? As I in time
travel through time and stranger danger. I just like to
hang out in this dark hallway. It's really where I

(29:04):
like to play my partially back about a couple of hours.
They work a child, a strange child in the hallway.
I wonder if their influence will have affected me in
any way in the future. Or oh my god, she's
get the hell out of me. Oh my god, you say, guy, Okay,

(29:26):
my heart, my heart, my heart, Okay, you can stop
with the exposition. You've been in the er for two hours. Okay,
we we pretty much know what your situation is. And
then my heart went yes, and you told me that
stop narrating what's going on, so I can tell you

(29:48):
you have had a severe heart attack. Please. I think
I'm gonna believe you because you're a doctor of science.
Let me tell you something right now. I work with cheese, sir.
Do you know that? With Jesus, no cheese? Oh? Sorry,
sorry I misheard you. I had had a real hot
date this weekend. Are you a Christians? I am a Christian. Yep, yep, yep. Anyway, Uh,

(30:18):
you you need to get on heart medication right away.
I think the best thing for me is spoon feeding
myself liquid cheese until I'm filled up. No, I don't
recommend that at all. You've got several blocked arteries and
the chances of a repeat of this heart attack immediately.
I mean, do you have anything planned for today? Interesting?

(30:40):
If I could go back in time and change my heart,
do you think i'd have a heart attack? No? I mean,
and I guess that true. If you were to go
back in time make some different choices in life, then
you wouldn't be seeing me today, and both of our
lives would be better, right exactly, So, if I go
back in time and change my heart, rip my heart
out and put a new so where's the cheese guy?

(31:04):
It's behind this store, and I don't know for sure.
I just want to be very cautious that we're not
breaking any rules of time, because I know that if
I was to go back in time, I wouldn't want
to run into myself because that didn't happen, it would
shatter the spacetime. Right. So you guys are from the future.
You probably know better than I do, despite the fact

(31:24):
that I made this machine. What kind of dangers are
behind this door? Are we going to change the past?
Pardon me? Before you passed through this door? Three questions
you must answer. Are you ready? I know the answers
because I've set this this guard here in the century,

(31:46):
so I should let you guys answer it to make
sure it's correct. Go ahead. What's the purpose of this
It's for safety. It's for safety. I set this century
here to make sure that nobody can enter the food
if excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm just hanging out just
in this little holiday. Why don't you just answer the
questions yourself? I mean, you just you want to go

(32:08):
through the door, right? Why can't you just answer? It
just doesn't seem like the time to be checking your
security systems. I wrote the questions so it would just
be a little silly for me to answer them. And
your parents are walking on thin ropes right now because
I told them that you shouldn't be here during the day.
This is a professional that's a rope walker, so that's

(32:29):
kind of their job. You've just answered question one day
type rope rock. What is going on with sort like?
I don't understand it should be delay? The whole quadron
isn't dying dying? What is happening? I thought we had

(32:51):
all the instructions, we knew what to do. It was
a surprise the scientists chose to a surprise. Jit, you
weren't able to change it? Well, what what do you
go back? Go back? Question number two? Oh, we're right

(33:14):
back where we left up, and now there's two more
zand Thorp's here. It's just getting a little overwhelming. I
need two of you to disappear. I can only this
can't be good. We don't just disappear. You have to
either kill one of us or put us back in
the machine. You're gonna have to fix this loop, sir.
I mean you're you're you're the person who invented the machine.

(33:34):
And that's the answer to question too. You're going to
have to are you ready for that? Was was one?
That was one? Are you ready for? Question three? I
let just before you ask question three, I know all
of you Zanthorpes are one person, so I'm just going
to designate the one that I touched with my hand.
You you're going to answer the question. Everybody else just

(33:57):
please remain quiet. Whoa way down low with a touch?
I just wanted to make sure that everybody knew that
was not inappropriately low. That was it was good luck Xanthorpe.
Good luck Xanthorpe. Well, I guess it's down to me. Okay.
Question three? Which is the real Zanto? Well? Wow? Boy?

(34:25):
That that really is a tough one because it feels
like it's me right. I mean, who's the original put
that gun down? Xanthorpe? And I suppose if there's only
one Xanthorpe left, whoever that Zanthorpe is, no, is the
real Xanta Thorpe? No, Sandor Please, that is a correct answer, Anton, now, good,

(34:55):
good job Sandthorpe. I didn't know when I wrote that
question help and it would be in the situation, so
masks the chef I've gotta here's the tuna surprise. It's
already made. They've already made the tuna surprise. They were
too late, were too late, and I haven't my lunch.

(35:20):
Maybe if I don't eat it, then it's not my lunch.
It's just a tuna surprise for somebody. It's already been made.
It doesn't matter. Well, Professor Johnson, that was one hell
of a keynote, I'll tell you that much. But I um,
you know, thinking about what you said and going back
and forth with the different x anthems and and that,
I um, you never said thank you for saving the

(35:43):
universe though. What Well, at the end of that, I
was really expecting kind of like an applause and no
thank you, like we're still here. I'm sorry, go ahead,
what was your question? I mean, it's kind of leading
into that. There was a lot of self congratulations going
on to whole thing, a lot of pattering on the back.
Of course. I had to destroy the time machine because

(36:04):
if it was still here then we'd still be in danger.
So go ahead. Yeah, Well, I mean I'm into it. Look,
we want to bring you back to the next Flat
Earth conference. I think we think you got something really strong.
We think you get a lot of punch of views
that are going to like embrace the culture as well
as promote what we need to do. Because let's say,
let's let's just humor the idea, because it's a fact
that the world is flat, right, m okay, And then

(36:25):
you add on top of that other's time travel. Well,
that's yeah, of course, I mean time travel is flat
as well, exact far enough away. All dimensions are flat
exactly exactly. And and if you and unlet's say you
sand with them all together, what do you get? Cracious?

(36:50):
Oh my, here we go three from Patrin v I,
p Jazzy Pi and trum or piantrum. Uh. It's a
it's a scene and a poem. It reads, Dear Alchemists.

(37:10):
In recent response of the epidemic, I love I have
written a poem to keep myself from being sick, although
scientifically that is no reason I want to do it anyway,
because tis the season, huh. From Fried Hash Browns to
James's Red Hair, there are a lot of in jokes

(37:31):
for all to share. Chicken Ist Church is definitely something
I would join, but could you stop talking about people's groins?
The alchemists are awesome and better than the rest. Now
here's my suggestion, a difficult test. What would happen if
a normal person got magically sucked into a TV show?

(37:56):
And then he gave a couple examples like Dora the Explorer,
Blues Clue, whose thank you, jazy pan trump. All right,
let's go to our ones. We're gonna do another take.
A my boom so excuse me, boom coming through, boom,

(38:17):
I'm booming. Let the boom through, most underappreciated person on
the set. It's coming through with the boom. This again.
All right? Do you want to move another take? Remove
your masks. We're gonna have to do another take. It's
a fucking puppet. Roll sound, It's a fucking pumpet. Do

(38:38):
we have to do fy I? Sound is roll spade
and in action? Please? Oh Mr goddamnit God, Can I
go on a break or something? Please? I need I

(39:02):
need like a couple of days, Just give me like
a five day or Tommy, Tommy, can you just keep
your ship together so a weekend? We're our here. I
know that, I know that, but I just I'm talking
to a puppet, you know, and like I just like
I want to talk to a human being. Please, what Okay,
I'm an actor. Is this about season four renegotiation? This

(39:23):
is about season four renegotiations? Okay, this is daddy, Okay, Daddy,
I know. I know what I want to be when
I can grow up. After all? What is it? Are
you busy with work again? Yeah? Well, let's text season.
It's always tax season. No tex season is is February

(39:46):
through April. I don't know what that means. But you said,
I'm a cp a son and this is my busy time.
Last last night, before I went to bed, you said
I have to think long and hard about my future.
I said that about my myself, or said that about you.
I think you were saying that to me. You said
it whispered, so I don't really know. Yeah, yeah, some

(40:07):
scotch last night. I have not long and hard? Good good,
good good. And I want to be I want to
be one of the puppet players. Oh, you can't deduct that.
What was that puppet player? Yeah? I want to be

(40:27):
one of the puppet players when you grow up. Now,
if you grow up all right, now, you want to
be a puppet player. Tay, You're gonna hurt me. No, son, no, son,
I would never hurt you. Sean. What the hell is this?
I mean, oh my, oh my, goddamn tax one for

(40:48):
fucked up? What the hell is this? You've got puppet
player over here, You got random numbers, that's going on
in your head, Sean. Look, I was trying to do
your taxes at the same time. I was trying to
raise my boy, right, and when I get distracted, I
write down things for my life on people's returns. Well,
that sucked me up, man, I just got out of it,
out of my ass. The government's coming for big bucks

(41:11):
from me. Big bucks. What they say, how much I owe?
Two hundred seventy billion dollars, that's what they say. That's
that's a mistake. So it looks like the figure we've got, sir,
that you'll oh, is uh two hundred and seventy billion. Now, yeah,
I've redone times billion dollars. It keeps coming out to

(41:36):
two let's start here stores, I sell them the car washed.
I don't have that kind of money. It's a simple
audit question. How much do you think you earned in
the calendar year of two thousand nineteen six. That's what

(41:56):
I have to So how do I billion? He said.
Let me ask you another simple lotic question. Do you
have any other income other than the job that brings you? Yes? Huh?
And what do you suppose that income comes to that total?

(42:19):
About thirty dollars or three billions? Thirty dollars? I make toothpicks.
I saw him on the side of the road. Okay,
that sounds more like thirty dollars. It's thirty dollars. Hey, hey, Bud,
get over here. You got what do you got? I
guess should I dropped them? Okay, it's Saturday morning, time

(42:50):
for my favorite show, The puppet Players. Poof. Well, hello boy,
I'll divide it. Told you I could step out of
the television. Is it down right next to you? Honey?
What do you watching? I'm watching the puppet Players? Mom, okay,

(43:11):
I'm making your sunny side up eggs. Be ready, little boy?
What if I told you I could put you inside
of the television screen? This is weird. I don't think
you realize I'm talking to you, Honey. Who are you
talking to? Um? The guy on the TV? I'm hungry, Mom,

(43:37):
Get down right now. You got a goddamn vampire. Come
to the goddamn screen. Kid, get in the kitchen with
your mom ma. Hi, you just busted through my window.
Yes I did. I'm with a small sect of Christians
coming here to hunt down evil, and this vampire right
here is trying to take the soul of boy my hands. Now, look,

(44:04):
I can take a shot, but I need you to sanction,
all right, mom, alright me? Oh my god. Wow. I've
never been put on the spot like this. Okay, I
am and I'm looking for men to raise my my boy.
But I'm happy here. That's not true. My dad's in
the office. He's just tax season and he's stop it

(44:26):
tax season. Really, he's a c p A whoa oh
miss that shot? M maybe take another. You're gonna shoot
the TV to shoot and shoot him? What happened? He
gets sucked into the screen. Yes, yeah, uh uh, I

(44:52):
guess I should get out of here. Yeah, I had
some sunny side up eggs. Wait, boy, he says, uh.
Usually I make sure that you agreed all these things
before I take you in. But I heard your wish.
You want to be a puppet player, and I you
want to be a puppet and I can give you

(45:12):
that magical dream to come true. I don't I don't
want to be a puppet myself, and so it is true.
Look at you. No, it's their fury. I'm blue or
look and now I'm bringing you to the set of
a very important TV show, and you would be the star.

(45:34):
You would be the star. Next up on Fox News,
we got a new opinion commentator. Guy. This guy is hot,
This guy is blue, this guy is furry. He might
look like a puppet to you, but to me, he
looks like an American who tells the truth. Puppet brow,
why don't you come out of here and say what
you gotta say? I don't. I don't want to be here.

(45:56):
I agree, I completely agree. Okay, back, well that puppet,
that puppet looks a lot like Scottie him, him, but
it just looks a lot like you do my passion
to catch up. Hey, new puppet white catch on Fox News.
You did great. Listen, this is your dressing room and

(46:19):
we're gonna be ready for you on setting about eleven minutes.
So let me know if you need anything. We got
a special today amount, Tuna amount. What's up. I don't
want to be a puppet. I want to be a
real boy. Yeah, no, you're a real boy. You're just
gonna portray one of the puppets on the show. Listen,
this is a big gig. I mean, your agents very excited.

(46:40):
Apparently your c p A is as well. So I'm
just excited for the insurance. Frankly, you know you get that. Yeah, no,
of course I do. Ye expect that's to make the money,
you know what I mean. There's no words, and so
I'm gonna make more money than I did last year.
And I barely worked last year, do you know? Yeah, yeah, no,
I'm I'm just the p A. So you closet. Here's

(47:03):
your customer, customer, I asked Tucking cars, if do you
think we're checking? I mean you still puppy boy? Take
my place and take you didn't wash out? You hearing?
Who's that man has his hand up your Yeah, honey,
the ship I heard at work today. I am just

(47:26):
so underappreciated. You know, I have them all loved. You know,
I got them all loved, and I got my booming
and you know I'm trying to get trying to get
in the union. That it's just crazy. You know, they
stole a little boy today. They won't say it. They
say you got sucking to the TV. They stole a boy.
I hear all this ship going on. I hear it all,
and they just want to say it's fucking normal, and

(47:48):
they want to underappreciate me. You know, I'm doing I'm
doing half the jobs of everybody out there hunt and
I just it's crazy abduction. What huh you're talking to me?
I didn't boom myself, you know, So, Linda, that's the

(48:08):
part we need you to a d R. So if
you want to just give it a shot, um, if
you can step a little closer to the mic, maybe
a couple of inches, and then, um, you want to
see the scene again? Or do you want to just
go on the beeps? That's dudent beat? Okay, take one? Okay,

(48:34):
so all right, so let's let's get you doing those beeps.
Let's gets you just making those beep noises and then
uh no, we're done. We're gonna play a series of
beeps and then just do the beeps. Okay, do you
hear the beeps? Then you do the beeps? Do you understand? Okay? Yes,
and it should sound as much like the beeps that

(48:55):
you hear when you do a d R. I mean,
you could just base it off the beeps that you're
about to hear. Okay, I don't know why it's important
to get a guy making these with mouth noises. I mean,
we don't want to get inside the actor's head here.
Just do you canna hear a serious? Trust you instector
with the Robin Leach? There's a Robber Leech? Or who

(49:16):
is the inside the actors? Robin Leach? That's Lifestyles of
Richard Famous. Oh oh oh, he's fine, Robin Leach. Sorry, Tim,
Sometimes the sound guys like to think out loud. Do
I need some to you? Do? I need to remind
you who I am, gentlemen. You kind recognize me now
because I've grown up. I was puppet boy's puppet boy.

(49:39):
Oh my god, he's got those dead glass eyes. Yeah
I could see. Yeah, that Scottish turned you into a
puppet right. Your work in the season finale of season seventeen.
Forget the Emmy award. You want the find that vampire.
He's my agent. He's my agent. Yeah, so were we.

(50:01):
I'll go on the beeps then, yep, we're gonna play
the beeps when you're ready. Peep, peep, peep. You hold up,
you had an extra beat in there, so let's just
do the beat both is there Robin Leach? Who am

(50:21):
I thinking of? What is the guy's name? James Lipton,
James Lipton, James Lipton, iced tea, just think iced tea. Yeah,
he's on He's on Law and Order SPU Yes, yes
he yes, Okay. Can I just say, um, your reputation

(50:41):
procedes you and I've never heard of a vampire agent before,
but as an actor, this is kind of a fantasy
come true for me on a couple of those big
Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan, but also wanted to be honest,
it doesn't have anything to do with me. That's a
TV show. I'm an agent, That's what I'm saying. I'd
like to be. I hear they're rebooting Buffy and I'd

(51:04):
like to get on that show. And I assume as
a vampire agent you would have a fast track for me.
Let me just ask you really quick, do you think
that i'd want to We're gonna show about killing them biers.
If I am a vampire, I would like to work
on that show. Welcome to Chateau Marman. Can I get
you something to drink? Did you want your usual? Yes?

(51:27):
I'd like to get my usual. Okay, don't announce it.
Everybody knows it's blood. It's human blood. I please don't
announce that. I was put celery and it so itmost
like a bloody Mary. Thank you? Yeah, excuse me. Hello,

(51:49):
my name is xanthorpe A sixteen. I'm from the year
twenty two. Uh in chlamydia four Uh. Don't order. Don't
order that human blood. But it's on special. I know,
I know it's on special. It's tempting, but it changes
all of human history. If you order that human blood.
I kind of have it written down already. So it's

(52:12):
Oh no, I'm here too late. I'm here too late.
What happens? What happens in the future if I bring
up chee cups of blood? Well, I mean I get audited.
I get audited it for money that I didn't make. Okay,

(52:33):
that seems like a you problem, and I want some blood.
That's a youth problem. I mean, I can't explain that.
You know, it's it's a classic butterfly flaps its wings,
you know. Sorry, I just thought of Mariah Carrie what
I said said Hope, I do still very much. You

(52:56):
want the blood, Okay, all right, I'm right back. Sorry, Dorpe, No,
that's all right. Uh boy, this is awkward. Um yeah,
you're really interrupting something here. It just got over a loss. Well,
I guess I might as well have a drink of
the Chats Marmont while it's around for one more week.

(53:17):
It's only around for one more week. Oh sorry, sorry
about that. Oh my god. Spoiler alert, cheez. It's because
we ordered the human blood. No, the different thing entirely.
It's like earthquake, natural disaster. I shouldn't. I just don't

(53:40):
understand what could make a restaurant so popular. Clothes no,
like s flood. So you're a vampire, a Scottish vampire
puppet who works as an agent. I'm not the puppet.
You're not the puppet. I'm not the puppet. I know
I have puppet like features, but I am full flish

(54:03):
everybody down, all right now, this isn't supposed to happen.
What is happening. There's a vampire time traveler and he's
gotta die. And if he doesn't die, and everyone's gonna
I'll just kill him, just kill him. He's right there there,
you are, You said, up, a bitch, what's your name,

(54:23):
laptop name is Sandthorpe. Stop putting that gun in. I'm
not the verywhere laptop. All right, you're gonna get it's
the guy in the cape with the fangs. He's right there.
He's drinking human blunt. I don't think these people is
a been fire devilize my man, and I ain't gonna
take it anymore. All right. The world is thirty thousand

(54:44):
years old and it doesn't have a future. Do you
understand that it does have a future? My name is Sandthorpe,
a sixteen, and I am from the future. Shut the
funk up, all right. Listen. If you're from the future,
then tell me how many cigarettes do I have in
my pockets? I mean you probably have like six. Anything

(55:04):
more would be too much. But I'm sorry, I don't
mean to interrupt. Oh answer like that, answer like six six?
No more than six six? Let me see. No, No,

(55:24):
it's okay, I'll keep waiting. Um it's our third date.
He wouldn't stand me up. I don't think you know him.
I don't. All right, Look, we're going to close up soon. Things.
His names Santhorpe. I mean we came here on our
first date, so like our third day, were like, ma'am,
I don't know him. Listen, I uh we got about
twenty men until we closed down. We do, uh, we
do have Today's Tonight special. But he's special, and I

(55:46):
think that's the difference. Have you met someone really special?
I have? Yeah, look what we have a sad woman
special if you want to do that. It's two bottles
of Jimmy? Did you hear the eighties six the tournament?
I just didn't? You just did? Oh? I think I'm
gonna have to go with the Settleman special. Excuse me,

(56:10):
I couldn't. I couldn't help it over here that your
date stood you up. Yeah, yeah, you heard right. Well
that's uh, he ain't a man. I'll say that much.
My my wife divorced me after after our son got
pulled into the TV and became a puppet. Also, I

(56:31):
just had a really really busy tax season client making
sixty thousand, got got audited for one tenth the gross
national product of this country. Wow, he's so smart. Well,
I'm I'm a c p A. Can I ask you
a quick, a quick numbers question. Although it's October, it's

(56:54):
um if of my heart was invested in saying another
man and he took six of that tax free. Um,
what one under that? I got that? Okay? What right
offs would you say are available to me? Okaytt are

(57:17):
you please please please please please? Okay? Um, Well, the
first thing I would want to do is take a
take an earned income tax credit. Oh god, oh you
are bad, you are bad. I don't need this, Merlow.
I don't need this, Merlow. I don't. I don't want them, Merlow,
don't pour it on the floor, don't. I don't need it.
I don't want Well, that's thick, Merlow. Is that human blood?

(57:40):
That's our show for today. Oh, welcome back to everybody
down on the ground. I want to thank all of
our alchemists, Jackie hu wait, thank you so much. Thanks
for having me guys. Yeah, amazing. Um, is there anything
you'd like to make tune in terms of where folks

(58:01):
can find anything of interest to you. Sure, you can
find me on Instagram. My Instagram handle is at Jacqueline,
Underscore j A c k L and Underscore U W
e H. You can also find me on YouTube playing
with the Smash crew. So you'll find me a Smash
Games and the Smash Sketch channel. So thank you for

(58:24):
coming back. Much appreciated. Chice. I love you guys, your stuff.
James Cney, do you love us still? I sure do?
I sure do. All right, I didn't realize you did
smash stuff. I've known a long time ago, in a
different life, knew them. I was in I think a
smash nation or something some show that they did. It

(58:45):
was the last time I was over there. But uh,
that's really cool. I'm gonna check that out. Yeah, since
I tuned in come through. Awesome? All right, James, thank
you for that, and Craig, I have no connection to
small whatsoever. A A listener, Doug Bame rights and wanting
to know the difference between further and further. Yes, uh,

(59:08):
I always thought the rule of thumb was it's further
for time and farther for distance. Apparently they are more
interchangeable than I thought. But an American English, typically farther
is used to refer to it to actual physical distances,
and further is more of like metaphorical distances. Further can
also be a verb like to further your point of view,

(59:32):
or an adverb like moreover. Uh So, further has more uses,
but but there pretty much interchangeable further to your point.
Thank you my pleasure, Christova Rods, thank you for having me.
I'm gonna put Craig on the spot here with one.
I was just thinking yesterday, well, I mean it's not

(59:56):
it's not even correct usage. Maybe it's just definition which
I can look up. But namesake if something is am
I someone's namesake or are they my namesake? Is it
whoever came first is the namesake of the thing? You
know what I'm saying. I think you're both namesakes. If
you have the same name both, it's not that one
he follows the other. I think it just means you're
the same. That makes sense. I yield my time. Thank

(01:00:19):
you for that. Joey German. Yes, yes, I was told
by the lady of the house to ask you to
say out loud a casta Celio, casta Celio. Yeah, it's
the one of ours of Ice Ice house. Yeah. Sure,

(01:00:40):
But apparently she was looking for you to say because
she thought it would be in a strange voice. Celia's vice.
I also want to say, go heat. And I don't
even know if Ice is Celio. I think it's Celio.
But something like that, um, something like that, right, Cillo
we'll look at the Starbucks plen there you go. But

(01:01:02):
go Heat, Go Miami Heat. Let's sucking sweep the Lakers.
Let's bring the championship back home. Baby three or five?
Fucking die hold on, this is wild, this is the
Finals might be over by the time this episode. Thank
our engineering producer of the stars, Mr Doug Baine. Find

(01:01:26):
folks that I heard mediamp bump bump bump orgasm, and
I thank you as your host, Kevin Pollock, Please be
kind of each other. And uh, remember to wear a
mask when you go outside. Apparently it does some good.
And m Yeah, I appreciate all of your emails and
your support of this show. It means the world to us.

(01:01:46):
We enjoy the hell out of doing it, and I
love hearing from you about your enjoyment of it or
like they're in, they're up. Uh furthermore, Yeah, that's it.
I think that's it and uh and go heat until
next time. And I