September 24, 2020 • 63 mins
Company who books “making a scene” in public.
Worst possible time to go into labor.
Road rage stay.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. It this this covid
N I'm your whole with Kevin Pollock. Yes that look
if you know, why the hell did you asked me?
But I digress. Let's mean a Rochamis shower, no particular
old saying love James ny keft caffeine. Everyone has a price.
So how much would I have to pay you to
(00:24):
never have a cup of coffee again? Uh? Pick a number? God,
oh god, hundred thousand dollars would probably do it. But
if I have seventy dollars to never have coffee again? Man,
I was wondering if you do this, because then I
would have just gone up to a hundred and fifty thousand. Yeah,
(00:45):
I'd take seventy thousand, Okay, I don't. I don't know.
Backed by popular demands, Patrick Rowlin pr least fave day job.
At least favorite day job. I think would have to
be um the post office. Uh dogs, there's walking, there's weather.
(01:11):
Uh not just the post office. You were on foot.
It sounds like, yeah, yeah, letter carrying, that's that's got
to be the worst. Like no, but Patrick, you're just
saying hypothetically, And Kevin thinks this actually happened to you
in my correct here. Yes, yeah, no, I I did
work at the post office. I was not a letter carrier.
I worked indoors. So while you worked indoors, you were
(01:32):
laughing at the letter carriers. That's what I'm hearing. We
all did. We sat on our throne of bags of
boxes and laughed and laughed with our good knees. That's
all true. And thank you very much for coming back. Patrick.
Look at she's back. It's Caroline Cotter. Who's poop? Is it? Anyway?
(01:52):
Favorite mannaise based dish, Jesus Christ, I didn't like mannaise
until I'm sorry. I would like to answer this with
my least favorite dish is James's tuna pasta. Have been
trying to talk to everybody about like, actually, I've had
(02:13):
multiple nightmares about. So I'll answer your question with the opposite,
and that my least favorite is something I've never had before.
Appreciate that we talked about it during an episode opening
whether or not that was a good idea to suggest
to you, and we're very very thankful that you did
not fall for that. We felt, but James insisted if
(02:33):
you put it in a cooler with ice you know
it's gonna be fine for a five hour, five day trip,
but you know you gotta refresh the ice. Sure, it
seems like a lot of one a lot of work.
Ladies and gentlemen, We've got some sweet crissalvarado for you.
One dish, no pish. What's the one dish you make
(02:54):
that Jessica looks forward to the most. Honestly, the answer
is nothing. And here's the deal. She's a great she's
a great cook. I help out with much as I
can or whatever. She's so good. Um, but she did
just say to me, like two days ago. We're sitting
on the couch and she says, I want you to
make one dinner in September. So challenge. I'm gonna do that.
(03:19):
I don't know what that dish is gonna be, and
I don't know I'm gonna I'm gonna send you a
recipe for a great one beautiful, beautiful, super super super simple.
And last, but check your crack for crack. If you
think of late, it's Joey Greer freaking a box. What's
it gonna take to get you into a Cadillac today? Oh? Man?
(03:43):
Uh at what year? That's my question? Two yeah, Yeah,
what do they got money? Carlos in Yeah, I try
to Cadillac Monte Carlo. I don't is it the Monte Carlo? Yeah,
there's no cadillact Monty Carlo. What's the Monte Carlo? I
(04:06):
don't know. Look it up, man, it's not a fucking Catillac.
I think it is. No. I think he's furiously googling
right now. That is such a Google face. What the hell?
Speaking of which, watch this documentary. I think it's HBO Max.
Uh Social Dilemma. Oh, I saw it. It's the scariest
(04:29):
fucking horror story I've ever wanted talking about why I'm
not on Instagram? Um, why I never we understood. We
understood that I've never been on Facebook and couldn't be
happier after watching that fucking documentary. All right, let's do
a damn show. Almost all of our scene suggestions have
gathered from your listener emails or from our Patreon v
i P is. To become a patron v i P
(04:51):
supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content and all
the other perks, just head on over to patreon dot
com slash alchemy this if you'd like to submit a
scene suggest by old timey email. Please write to the
podcast at your name here at alcove this dot com.
That's your name here. Scene one comes from Peyton v
I P. Nicholas mock Our returning v I P. Scene suggestion,
(05:17):
who wrote, Hi, Kevin, I just want to write in
to say that I'm so happy that there is still
entertainment that can be enjoyed by the whole family. Often
we sit down with my wife and our kids to
relish content that is just too good to be passed by.
So thank the heavens for two seasons of Cobra Kai. Yeah. Anyway,
(05:40):
here's my scene suggestion. It's typical Tuesday at the company
that suggests scenes that one can book if you want
to make a scene at the restaurant or airport of
your choice, Love Nicholas. So it's not um, it's not
one of our longer it's it's two and a half ages,
so both you and your wife can memorize it pretty easily. Um, okay, okay,
(06:02):
now and this is and frankly this is this is package.
So it's not much, not much, but but you get
to it. We could go through B and see. I
don't know how how good of actors you are. I
don't know. I want to see I want to see
B and C. Honey, Oh yeah, we would get to that.
But like there's a progression. That's why it's called the alphabets.
We have to do a first otherwise. Why that's why
(06:23):
it's called the alphabet. I didn't know that. Hey, the
more you don't know that, Hey, stick with me. Like
you teach me things, I teach you things. I didn't
tell you anything. I'm so dumb. No, baby, you taught
me that. You have a very quick way of getting
upset about alphabets. Okay, you're right, that's true. I do
(06:45):
You're right. Okay, now listen. I don't want to interrupt here.
But based on what I've just seen, yeah, I do
have an experimental scene where there's experimental, there's a status,
A status shift occurs. Sounds like an improv exercise? What
it sounds like an improv? Yeah. We took some classes
(07:06):
that a local Discovery Zone, Yes, you know Discovery Zone.
It was taught by a man named Patty Snacks. All right, everybody,
I want you to get up on stage. I want
the couple to get up on stage. Everybody. Then he
said the couple. Well, and we're the only ones in
the class right on the stage. Okay, what's gonna happen
(07:33):
in this improv scene? I'm going to give you a script.
I'm gonna give you this script. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. Okay,
Now what I'm getting have you do? Is it the
middle of the improv scene? I want you to switch
the script? And but I'm sorry, Mr Snacks, Yes, Mr Snacks,
I'm sorry to interrupt the I've rented this hall until
(07:54):
two thirty. It's the Discovery Center. Sure, okay, I am
understandser and yes I know is I think I don't know?
I mean, this is a one on one so I guess. Yeah,
he's illustrating what we're trying to learn. That's what's next.
I'm sorry, but we're going to have to tear up
(08:15):
the contract we have with you rent in the space.
But but I'm a I'm a renowned improv teacher. Maybe maybe,
but here's the Discoveries and we don't give a shit
about that. Okay. What we care about is making a rent,
and right now you're not feeling that void. I'm sorry. Well,
the word of mouth is really important to once I
get this person, look that's a really sad story. I
don't know how that's relevance to what's going on here.
(08:37):
I don't know. They stayed in character, right, I guess
I don't know. You don't know, and that's why you're here,
look Um, you're here at scenes to be seen, all right? Yeah? Okay,
now again, A might be a good fit for you,
b and see okay, or if you want to go experimental,
you let me know. It's whatever you're comfortable with. Okay.
(08:59):
You know I'm feeling experiment mental. And I love you
so much. Uh. I was talking to you saying, Ny
it's okay. Um, if you have one second here, I
could call in my big time actors to kind of
give you a small rundown of what the scene might
(09:21):
look like. Sure, we have got a babysitter for the week,
so we didn't know how long it would take and
I had to book it. Like just some stress about that.
So I just kind of overshot or maybe not, I
don't know. Okay, give me one second, Hey, Tracy, the
boys are the boys in? Oh? Yeah they are. Do
(09:42):
you want me to send them inside? Yes? Please? You
got it? Hey, Tommy, I'm so excited to do this
scene for these people. Just tell me, are we doing
scene A, B or C? Oh boy? Uh, we're doing
experiment to fuck me. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
(10:04):
Where's your scene, partner? I just got back fu me
tell me what we're gonna do here? Good good, alright?
Fellas fellas? Uh, these are the Carlyles Carlin. These are
the fellas is here? If if I may, is it
Mr and Mrs Carlin? Yeah, I know you you. I
(10:30):
mean I've seen you in films before. They're both pretty famous.
Please worked for the Christopher Walking, But I don't know who.
It seems like he's trying to like about impression of
him or Anny Barbarino doing Ralph Macho from the Karate Kids. Yes, yes, exactly,
(10:51):
that's I think the same. Those are the many levels
you can expect here at seem to be seen, all right,
Why an't we doing It's the same? So here you go.
Take this script. Okay, okay, take this one. I'm gonna
do it. I'm gonna take the pot of crap pants. No.
(11:12):
Mr and Mrs Carlyle. Character description and breakdown is very
important to any role. Um, so so uh, he's chosen
the role of Mr. Crap Pants, probably based on the
character's breakdown he finds something that resonates with him. Um
so is that right, Mr Walking? It is? It is,
And in fact, I have crap your pants. Huh, actor,
(11:38):
that's why we work so well together. I really want
to see the movie you we're in. Yeah, what is it?
I like what we'll see. We're both, you know, cinephiles.
So just name one, just one. I don't want to
I don't want to name them all all. It's a
long list. I said, just name one. I said, just okay, okay,
(12:01):
I said, Tracy, can you bring us my teas place? Yes,
coming in right away. All right, you're gonna love this
ize tea. It's peach. No, I'm not a big peach guy,
and I don't know if you are, but it goes
nicely with this tea. All right, So you're gonna have
your t You're gonna watch this scene. You're gonna make
a choice today. Whatever I gotta do to get you
into a scene today, I'm gonna do. Could be a be,
(12:25):
could be a c could be experimental. I don't know.
I'm looking for you to to turn heads at the
Starbucks I'm looking at you to get to get gasps
at a train stop. All right, whatever it is, wherever
you want to go. Tracy coming in. Okay, here's the tea.
Here's the tea. Thank you, Tracy, Tracy, Tracy Camery. Tell them,
(12:46):
tell them both your IMDb rating right now. My star
rating right now is up two d and sixteen points
sixteen points up. So what's the number. It's okay, it
doesn't matter about that. It's already shooting up up from two.
It's up two. That's like a shooting stoff. Is it
was like a cartoon voice or what? Sure? I play
(13:10):
at car dudes too? Just one? Well it was it's
a well it's a commercial. Uh, I know you you
taught me improv. Oh my god, what is your name? Um?
Don't say it was this spot or something? Mr? The hell?
Was it snack? We never got the full class. I
(13:38):
was actually I was actually this is my just I
was wearing a Kevin po mask and my character was. Now, look,
I understand this bank took a risk giving me this
loan for a scene to be seen. I can't. I can't.
It's not it's not working the way I thought it
(13:59):
was gonna work. I'm sorry, did you come in here
today to give the money back? That doesn't seem like
a yes, it's like more like I want to give
the money back. I just can't. You just dropped by
to let me know things weren't working out so well. Yeah, yeah,
so sort of like like like a head's up, heads up, right, right,
But you understand we're not actually a bank banking. I know,
(14:23):
I know, I know, And that's why. That's that's why,
that's why I wanted to do So there's no doovers
or give me backs or that kind of thing. You
take money from us, you make payments, so you don't.
It's just you listen, sir, if I may. When I
pitched the idea to you, you thought it was a
great business idea as well. Yeah. I threw in a
couple of grant of my own money and and and
I know that, and that's why I need you to
(14:45):
know that I am seeking the top actors right now,
come on board for example. I am so I got people, right, Okay,
Well that's that's that's good for me. Are you all right?
(15:07):
Christ Yeah, Gus, it's just simple business idea. Yeah, it's
still a great idea. But you gotta understand when you
take money from us and then you come back in
here and I see, uh I got a family. I
got a family, right, well, you had a fam. I'm
so sorry to interrupt, but just think is closing in
(15:27):
five minutes and um he's blocking me in, so just
if you can hurry it up. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure, thanks.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. No, not at all.
Is there any uh tuna salad? Uh pasta left? Mr Keller? Look,
(15:49):
I booked a scene with you, with me and my wife. Okay,
now she's been held in Guantanamo Bay. Okay, I did
not know that that was We're going to be terrorists
at the airport. Okay. We decided and you said, don't
look at the script until you're there and just read.
You need to have fresh eyes. You need to have
fresh eyes with that look whatever. I need my wife back, Okay,
(16:10):
show there. You're you're looking at it through the wrong lens,
my man. So lenses are on cameras, and cameras make movies. Okay,
I know all about that. Now, the lens on what
you're looking at this situation is through a victim's lens.
And I'm telling you she's made it to the big time.
You can send her letters in Quantanamo Bay, can you know?
(16:31):
I can't. No, I can't. There's no communication. Look, there
are no refunds here, Sir, did a great job. I look,
either you give me a refund or you give me
a new scene to get her out. Card card please.
I think there's been a misunderstanding. Ye hear that. Every
day from at least a half dozen people, there's been
(16:52):
a misunderstanding. You see. Hold on, just take a look
at this here. This is a script from the scene
that was doing with my usin. You got that paraphernalia? No, no,
this is a script we were We were at the
airport and we're trying to just you know, soldier. What
is that? Yeah? The dame said it was a screw
(17:14):
Look at this? Oh my god? When to contact the CIA?
Right now? Looks like we got intel on where this
terror cell is from. Like seen seen, this is the CIA. Hello, Hi,
Field Agent Mercer? How are you? Oh? I'm good? How
are you? You miss the Ultimate Frisbee game last Weneight?
(17:37):
I know? I know. Look, I'm calling working. They got
your work in they do you know where I'm at?
You know where I'm at all the time. That's right,
I don't got you're following me. I'm in the CIA.
So I'm in the CIA. Looks looks I got some
(18:00):
that Who are you talking to? Huh? Who are you
talking to? Watch the film? Okay, well, it's just I'm
on a work call. I'm watching the cinema. I'm on
a work call. Go, we'll continue watching the cinema. Let
me talk. So no, no, I'm here. I'm in the CIA,
so just go. Okay, I'm gonna listen. This is a
(18:22):
pressing national security issue. Looks like I got some intel
in a terror cell that was over at the airport
that we snagged up. And uh, I don't know if
you want to run this for me scene to scene?
Can you check in the database? Everything popping in to see?
Watching my computer, I'm on the other side of my house. Okay,
you're at the headquarters headquarters. Hey baby, you're back. Honey. No,
I'm trying to you know, I'm working from home right
(18:42):
now because I'm in the CIA. But I like the booty. Honey,
Stop what I'm saying. What do you want? Um? So,
I'm I'm I got I saw a commercial on the
television and it's for the PlayStation five, okay, and it's
got the game with the people. And I was wondering
(19:04):
if you know, um if um, if you could um
if I could get a PlayStation five with the game. Yes, yeah,
that's fine. We'll get it for your birthday, for your
birthday next week. Use the bathroom. Sounds like a scrap
in his pants. Use the bathroom. No, No, I'm in CIA,
(19:26):
so I can take the right now. Okay, honey, stuff,
I'm yes, he's training, he's in the CIA. I'm in
the CIA. I just need to go to my Okay,
so that was too grunde cold bruise with almond milk
in the name? Was Mr Carlos that you said? Yes, yes, yes,
(19:53):
yes carl with k Okay, Okay, terrific. We'll call anyone
is done. I'm sure you will. If it gets done.
If someone doesn't cause a thing, that's right. But if
you don't make this happen fast, then we're there's gonna
(20:14):
be a problem. Could you give us one second, honey?
Can I speak to you over here for a second. Yeah,
I know, I'm doing an improv and you have dorov
the point are going to a scene place. We paid
five thousand dollars for a scene. Why are you improvising it?
Are you doing line? Yeah? We already put in our orders,
(20:38):
so this isn't the line. No, this is the part
of the Starbucks where you pick up the fucking drinks. Whoa,
whoa easy, you gonna hold those two cups? You're gonna
make these guy dame espressos with Hell's going on? Man? Hello? Yes, Sean?
You yes, so you're gonna make these espressos. He's gonna
hold these two cups of the carlisles. That is this? Hello, Sean?
(21:00):
Are you deaf? What is happening? I think Sean? I
think Sean is in shock or something. He's no standing
there with this is crazy. Man, Hey, Sean, I'm sorry, man,
I kind of talk to you in my office. I
know you guys. Where's the coffee? Sean? I'm asking you that, buddy,
you're holding the two cups for the cold You're asking amazing,
I'm asking you, man, I didn't I got the order? Yeah? Yeah,
(21:23):
I guess you. You took the order and then you
just stood there drawing the espression machine. Sean. Hold on,
we're gonna have to let you go. We're gonna are
you Josh, Josh, Dude, you're my brother in law. Dude,
and I made a mistake. Dude, Look I married your sister. sEH.
I'm sorry, just just it's gonna say a word in
(21:46):
here out I don't I don't need this, man, I
don't need this. You're out. Look at those two people,
and that's what they've seen one. Now, God is seen one.
I have seen one. I'm in the c I A
C two comes from Kens, who wrote, Hello, welcome. It's
(22:07):
my husband and I listen to your podcast a lot
on our way to and from oh B appointments. I'm
currently thirty two weeks pregnant, which got me thinking of
a scene. Which is the worst possible time for someone
to go into labor. Ps. My husband got me into
this podcast and loves it. He doesn't know I sent
(22:27):
this in. I think it would be funny for him
to find out that I did. If you actually pick
this one, Stay healthy sincerely, Ken's now full disclosure, this
is from a couple of months ago. Oh my god,
she already gave birth, So Ken's if you're listening, please
right back to us with any updates and sorry for
(22:48):
my tardedness regarding your email. But here we go, Jordan
or Huber, I did okay? Yeah? Oh did you both?
I mean I already wanted to do order him. Yeah,
I'm looking plate ending. Oh my god, thank god you're
out here. Is there any way we can snag this?
(23:09):
My wife is about to give birth and we don't
have a car. That's not how overworks, sir, there's no
snagging and you, gentlemen, I just have the name Steve.
That's my name. My name is Steve. Okay, I can
only take one Steve. Well, my wife's name is Steve,
and I'd really like it if you take my wife. Steve.
Did you call my name? I was inside, I was
trying to go to the bathroom. Do you just say
(23:30):
my name? Stephenie? Yes, Stephenie. You're gonna need to get
sack in the back seat of this car. Whoa hold?
Hold on? Is this when you or not? Does somebody
want some water? Maybe some life savers? We need to like,
can we clarify who's getting in this car? One Stevie
can get him. I'm a businessman, uh, Steve, you seem
(23:51):
to be well dressed. I run businesses. I'm a businesswoman,
and I'm about to give birth. I think I'm about
to go into late right, hasn't start? Yeah, at the
super pool, I know about labor right now? About now,
I gotta I gotta workforce underneath me. Steve, how about
you just cool? I could technically take you all, but
(24:12):
you would have to order up the car while we're driving.
So as long as you agree with that, everybody hop
on it. I mean, hold on a second. Earlier you
were saying you can only take one, Steve, and now
you're bringing the rules for some reason. I look, I
don't feel comfortable into an uber. You're out. It was
gonna be too crowded with him. I don't. I don't
feel great about about getting in the super Great I'm
(24:36):
gonna walk there. Okay, wait, see what up? What up? Hey? Hey? Buy?
So that was weird, that's crazy. You know, there's those
leather shoes. Don't look like you walk a lot of them.
Probably mean joining your desk we're driving around. So that's
the sign of a true money man coming coming from
a guy who's got cufflings the size of you know,
(24:57):
big ones. Yeah, what do you mean big ones? A
little bit if it's not too much trouble. Could we
go to our uberpool first? Uh? And whatever you're because
your wife's given birth the uberpool right now, we don't know.
It's just l I know, I just they're They're probably
not going to drop us off first because we're kind
(25:17):
of you know, Jim here who was in the car,
are already definitely is our earmarked for our first drop off. Now, Jim,
we can't ask you given that this uh lady, I
don't wanna assuve. I am bursting at the scenes with
a child coming out of my ears. You don't want
to assume, Okay, please, these are modern times. I don't
(25:41):
want to be accused of anything. So this woman uh
is about to get like that. You don't have to
say it like you decided. Well, that's what I mean.
It's like the boss, but I want to be I'm
also want I want to be their friend. No, me too,
me too, But I also don't want to be their
friend because I'm their boss. And then you know what
I mean. Well, Jesus, is that what they mean by crowning?
(26:01):
Put that away? Will all the hospital Jim boe. So
I guess what I'm asking is so you buy you
buy low? You sell high? Is that right? Exactly? Well?
You can you can flip that too, you can you
can buy high and sell low, right right, because like
(26:22):
a lot of business goes down with you when you
think about business and numbers, you don't Are there two
kids in there? What's happening? I don't know. We wanted
to see. I think there might be a second baby.
I mean I can't technically go fast. This is awkward.
We have the same business card. Alright, Alright, I guess
(26:44):
I guess I'll go to your office which is my office. Okay,
that's crazy, you know, Um, this is so fucking nuts.
Would you have to get a business coffee, business dinner? Uh?
Sometimes I used to start with the business lunch, but um,
you know what, it has been a weird day. How
does it already have a sweater on? Come on, that's
(27:04):
a lot of hell. I don't think this is mine.
I don't think this woman. You're right to come in
to check a fraternity test. Mr Steve Steve, Steve Stevens,
that name Steves, just me, Mr Stevens, Mr Steves. Uh yeah,
(27:26):
I mean it's not uncommon for fathers to do this
behind their wives back. Because doctor we have a gentleman
named Jim who says he was supposed to be the
same appointment. Um, he was in in Uber with these
two and some. I don't know the whole story, but
he might be the father so covered in I heard that.
(27:48):
So when we bring him in, I'll do a little
swabby and I'll put it in the machine to see
what comes up. But Mr Stevis, Uh, I'm not tuff.
It's gonna be Jim because he's a he looks like
he's covered in juice. But you're saying that the child
was covered in heron and for me, it was not hair.
There's a very different oh fur as different than hair.
Oh fuck me, I'm a goddamn doctor. You know what
you know? Stevis? Can I see you in my office
(28:09):
for a second? Sorry, Mrs Stevie's was it? I didn't
mean to ease up, Carl. Could I talk to you
for a second? Yeah, just give us a moment if
you were Mrs Stevies, So sorry, be right back. Yeah, Carl,
what the funk with the language in front of the customers?
What did I'm high as hell? What do you want
me to do? Oh? That's great, that's great. You come in.
You get high by yourself. I'm yaked out of my
goddamn mine. You're not going to turn the rest of
(28:29):
us on with your yak. What do you get turned out?
How you get turned out? I don't know that, dude. Look,
do you want some blow or not? I do? Okay,
I can hear you, Jim, Hey, hey, j I'm the
nurse here. Yeah. So I just um, thank you for
filling out the form series of great insurance. So, so
here's what here's what I want to figure out. You
had slept with this woman before you saw her in
(28:52):
the uber? Is that correct? So sleeping with if? I
don't know, it's weird term to you that you have
sex with her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we did it.
We bow okay. And do you know her husband, Steve? Steve?
(29:13):
Yeah yeah, yeah, you know him? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
It's because because the doctor is about to do oppraternity test.
If it's you, it's going to be weird. Oh boy,
you're covered in juice. Yeah, I got hair, wet ass pants. Yeah.
Why don't I do this? Why don't I put you
in and Steve in the same room? And this is
(29:36):
a little very Mari Povich of you. But okay, yeah,
we'll do the we'll do the seafood platter, and we'll
also do the m so I wasna I was gonna
say seafood platter. So you're ordering for both of you, yes,
but if you want to order for both of us
as well, he can. He's a business ceo of this menu.
(30:05):
All right, let's take it to town. Let's do the
seafood platters, do the just the meats here. Thank god
you're in here. These guys. These guys are on drugs. Jim. Well,
it's a hospital, assume everybody. They call it yack. Oh
my god, I heard about that stuff. I don't want
(30:26):
my wife be here. I don't want my my my baby. Yeah,
you see my baby. Yeah. Cute, cute, he's very cute.
I think it looks pretty cute, pretty cute. Looks like
a cheap a cobra. Okay, I don't know about that.
I think he looks a little bit like John Legend.
If he look like me, I don't, I don't. I
(30:46):
don't think that happens. Hey, Look, that happens a lot.
Do you think all babies look like their fathers? They don't.
It's like, you know, look skip a generation, you know,
like it's like you know, being having red hair or
or I would know about that. I just and I said,
(31:07):
you know, take half of it and then get out
of my line Jeu, and I never sell her again.
I mean having business partners and stuff, you know, you
can't just can't just say, hey, we're going to sign
this lease on this business together and sorry just for
the drink order. Can you just let me know so
I can go. I've been just kind of here for
like an hour. Sure, But that's like the core of it,
is that right where you just really got to navigate
(31:29):
those waters when you say core, here's what I see
core communication organization. We have sparklingers still or just let
me know, like waters beer seltzer, let's do two martini's
up dry all of I don't want those alves wet
at all. So there's a way to code them and
wax and drop them in there so they're dry, and
(31:50):
let's do Jim, Mr Jim Grey, thank you so much,
thank you, miss miss miss What are your initials? U
S S S You only have to yeah, I mean,
I mean you have a middle name name or maybe no,
(32:11):
maybe you don't have a last name. So I do
I do? I do have a last name. I don't
have a middle name. I don't think it's that unusual. Oh,
I'm just asking SS. I'm gonna look that up on
the down exchange one second, can I put this in?
I don't know. Do you want to hear how well
you're stock stra It sounds like it's not me, you're
just using my initials. I don't have any stock called SS.
(32:35):
This thing is shuping high. You should because it's shop
and high. Now is the time to buy right now?
By hi, by hi? So how close are you and
your wife? Like is it like like uh until death
does us part? Or like you know, you know, honestly,
I I don't. I don't think that we're really that
(32:58):
close at all. Honestly, I married her because she kind
of tricked me into this with the baby. Okay, that's
that's that's just we don't bullshit. And that thing doesn't
even look like me. It doesn't even look like a
first off, it's not a thing. It's a it's an
adorable John legend sing t. Yeah. Some people like they
(33:19):
have a condition where like the teeth growing its fing
it's called them them Paris disease. Okay, and it's the
very of your teeth are pretty sharp. Oh so I
say you welcome over there, and tell your manager you're around,
because you just bought two eight four shares at a
very high price. I regret that. Um, I really shouldn't
(33:42):
have done that. That was like my life savings. And
it seems like it can only go down from here.
And honestly, honestly, let's get those drinks in and let's
get that seafood platter out. Okay, thank you, sony. So
this is so what I'm thinking is, you know, we push,
we push, we push, and we're trying to build this
big this is brand because right now it's about branding
(34:03):
exactly right now, It's like I see green arrows pointing
up right right, right arrows. Part of me, I'm a
little the point. What's going on? So? Um so in
quarter in quarter two? What is going on? You are
stumbling through this? I can't help but I think that
(34:25):
maybe I'm trapped inside of a scene to scene this
this this seems like a long come where's my wife?
I don't know I got here when you guys got here?
I no, you've already come out come out. Okay, so
(34:48):
obviously you know your wife. Actually I'm not your wife.
I'm the renound British accent. Um, you all know me.
I'll try something, trying something new. Who funded this this scene?
(35:16):
I didn't buy a scene. I never asked me part
of a scene. I've been nine months of my life
with with you British accent. All right, we're just gonna
just sign us the least form. This is an uber
commercial you are part of. So we're gonna cut this
two year spot. We're gonna cut this up into chunks
and then we're gonna just kind of let it out
(35:36):
as like a YouTube. I'm not I'm not a businessman. Yeah, no,
you're not. I'm sorry you told me to bring my
manager out and so um, here he is Steve. I asked,
don't want to share with you and scene you've been
(36:00):
part of the scene to seeing Steve, I'm not a
business man, I'm an actor. Well I booked this cameo
on cameo A oh did you actually sell I mean
use your life savings somebody? Yeah, I did that. I
did that. Yeah, And I'm not really a table I'm
organ freeman and that is seen too. No, and scene
(36:34):
scene three comes from patron v I P. Chris, who wrote,
high miss thank you for all the laughs during these
crazy times. The new episodes make Tuesdays and Thursdays that
much easier to get through. Scene suggestion road rage stay Chris, mhm,
(36:57):
goddamn it? What is it? Is? Tailgating me? Oh? Come on, no, No,
he's doing it on purpose, doesn't he see the baby
on board sign? Mario? Are you okay back there? Do
you want the snacks? Um? I want to go fish
and I want flaming you. Okay, let me just get
that in the back here. Look, if he's tailing you,
(37:19):
just pull off. Let him go ahead. Alright, alright, that's
what I'm gonna do. I'll be the better man and
just let him pass me. Look at this asshole pulling
over like I'm gonna go around him. Fuck you, buddy, Yeah,
tell him? I mean, come on, what kind of a
bullshit I'm pulling over right behind him? Up? Honey, behind us?
(37:41):
Well then, honey, then just pull a little further down,
just go into this ravine. I mean, if I go
much further, it's going to be the ravine I know,
going to the ravine. Alright, alright, are going to the ravine. Now,
who is before we'll drive on this thing. How do
you cut in the back? Honey? Okay, in the back, yeah, more,
you know, just on my phone. All right, we'll tell
(38:06):
social media. I said, hello, JR. I'm going to ravene
over this guy's head. Do it. They're they're they're turtle.
They're turtle tossing, the turtle rolling. Oh my gosh, we're
tumbling head over. Just okay, okay, honey, just drive through
(38:29):
this jungle. Okay, drive the jungle. Drive. I don't even
know where we're going. Just drive. Just d We're not
on the GPS anymore. Good, we're off the grid. He's
still going, he's still going. Oh my god, good, I'm
going as fast as I can. As fucking guys, unbelievable.
(38:49):
I turtle tossed his ass. Not you gotta keep going
through the jungle. I'm looking at your insurance policy here,
and you are covered for a turtle toss. But it
does look like you tumbled as well as that correct, well,
it was it was. It started as a turtle toss,
(39:10):
but it turned into a barrel rule. Uh and did
you tumble little There was a barrel rule. Well, the
barrel rule was was the tumble. That was the style tumble.
There was no HM, so there was no tumble. No,
the barrel rule was the tumble. So there was a tumble. Yes,
(39:33):
there was a tumble. Yes, So let me get this straight.
You were following this guy and he starts the pull over,
so you disliked the pull over yourself. Yeah. I wasn't
gonna fall for his bullshit. He's gonna pull over and
let me go around fuck that. Yeah. Yeah, we here
at the Progressive Insurance we don't sign too brightly on
people pulling over. So you did the right thing and
(39:54):
doing that. Now, I see here in the papers here
that you also did a turtle toss. That correct. I
engaged in the turtle toss that turned into more of
a barrel roll. But but Mr Dicka, uh, your sub
sandwich here for you? There? All right? This? Yeah, there
you go? All right, all right, I'm gonna eat this
while I damn that smells good. Oh it's the best.
(40:18):
That's the best that all this city can offer. Bet.
I really just honestly think the whole problem was that
he shot this turtle shell at us. It's either a
green shell of red shall of blue shell. I don't
know what it is, but anything after I was hit
with a shell, I don't think it's my fault. So
you did tumble them? Yes, I tumbled. I I admit
I tumbled. It was a barrel roll, but none of them.
(40:40):
It's like the Domino effect. You get shot with a shell,
it's a turtle toss. What it wasn't my fault. This
should affect my insurance. I mean, it is your fault, sir.
You're driving and uh, let's see, I'm looking at the
domino effecture and it looks if you're right, domino effect
(41:01):
I mean, by the book means you get turtle tossed
to barrel roll. I mean, now, let me get this straight.
Was there a baby on board of this vehicle that
you were pursuing into the ravine? I mean defined baby,
small person, loose neck, no teeth. Yeah, yeah, it was
one of them old Google Gaga thing. Alright, that's all right,
(41:23):
that's a double points for that. Now this is very important.
I can't be stressed out enough. Was it a green
or red turtle shell that you shot at the aforementioned
vehicle ship? Hu? Did you notice? Um? But we just
kind of bought like a discount pack from the emporium.
(41:43):
So it's it's a variety of colors. You never know
what's gonna come out. Yeah, oh yeah, aporium. They can
be very tricky. They're not, you know, on the up
and up like we are here acause aggressive insurance. So
one would the color of the turtle shell matter if
I may, Well, green is a very earthy color. Red
(42:07):
signifies anger, and yellow, well, that's just kind of passive,
and we want more of a red because, as I said,
aggressive rather insurance. We don't know what I just remember
the Turtle Show was written. Oh all right, that makes
my pick work easy. I just don't understand what I
can be able to afford this. I thought we had insurance.
We did have insurance, but it doesn't cover talk, it
(42:28):
doesn't cover it doesn't cover tumbles, it doesn't it doesn't
cover you know what. This saddles it. I want to go.
I want to go get some turtle shells, you know,
I know more, Mr Nice Dad, Yeah, welcome to the
Turtle Emporium. How canna help you? Hi? I've never owned
(42:49):
a turtle shell, but like so I'd like to give
that kind of take it easy. I'm just I'm not
very good at aiming. So I've heard that the Red
Shells will you know, track and and you know, hit
the car that you're trying to hit. If if it's
a car you're trying to hit, maybe you're trying to
(43:09):
hit it, dear, you know what I mean, what you
hit with this is up to you. Here's what I'm
gonna say. Well, we gotta we gotta buyer on that
Red Turtle shell c I A, hello, I'm sorry, that's
all good. Listen, we gotta sell on that Red Turtle
(43:31):
Show that we marked. So it looks like we're gonna
trace that again. Stop stop, probably pause on the video game.
I'll join you in a second. Um. I'm just working
from home right now, so I have to Um, my
tracker is in behind my secret bookshelf because I'm in
the CIA, so I'm gonna see I So just like,
(43:53):
let me give me a second and I'll stop. So
hypothetically speaking, you know, if a Red Show were to
shoot towards a vehicle, yeah, it would hit it. You
don't need much experience, you don't need much and this
is this is legal, right, I'm a I just want
(44:14):
to protect myself while I'm driving, right, and it is
legal to protect yourself. You got a family, okay, I
have a I have a beautiful wife, and and one
of those things with the bobbily heads by a baby,
baby baby you need at a baby? Thank you? Yeah,
I got. I feel like I just don't even know
(44:36):
what I do with a green show. I think I
would just be shooting it off. And it's not listen.
If you want a green show, that's that's if you're
on on on on the golf course. You know what
I mean. You got a golf cart. Thank you. Now
you're talking my language. It's gonna be cash. I mean,
that's so strange. I usually I mean the entire baby's
(44:59):
college fund. I don't understand. I mean that was a kid.
Just think of it like this. We've only been putting
money into his college fund for about a year. That
was seventy grand I don't understand. And it's and this
is important, like what what good is a college fund
for a baby we don't even have anymore? Oh my god,
(45:21):
he even said that, I don't know. Hey, FBI C
I A. I don't know what you're doing here at
my emporium. I sell legit goods here. Okay, we're the
c I a look, I don't know what you want
for me. What do you want? You want to you
want to buy Jackie jacket here? Jacket is clearly covering
up a gigantic turtle shell behind it. You're not even
(45:42):
doing a good job of disguising any of them. We're
not even supposed to be here. We're not even supposed
to be here. Yes, I got a whole case of
t s is that need to be put in the
illegal shed. Oh he said illegal? He said illegal. No, No,
hold on, you said illegal. Go with them? Handcuff this guy.
(46:06):
You said it. No, But I mean like ill, like
it's ill people. Yeah, you gotta go to man now. Look, okay,
we all see the mission and a man in black,
right and mission men black. When he goes he talks
to Steve Bushemy or whoever the all that is, he
shoots him in the head. Remember that was it Steve Bushey?
(46:27):
Who was it? Okay, hear me out. I'm gonna start
with the title first, if you don't mind, and then
I'm gonna get to the pitch because I think you're
gonna see what I see just by me sharing the
title of the film. Uh, Mission men in Buck, Tom
(46:48):
Cruise movie, Mission men in Black? Is there a colon
in there? What do you think? I think maybe they're
colin Yeah, calling after the mission colin men in Black.
Let me just make sure I'm hearing this right, Mission
men Black? Right? Well no, so, of course no. So
(47:12):
you mentioned the Mission Impossible movies and you're familiar with
you men in Black. You brought that up. Yeah, you're
the we're the movie studio, you're the creative Ye you
told us. You just for like the first twenty minutes
NonStop about how much you love the Mission Impossible series
and Men in Black and Men in Black. So imagine
(47:33):
Mission men in Black? What am I imagine? What is it?
Let me let me I think I know what he's
talking about. He's talking about like, uh, you know, men
of the Cloth, we're black and uh yeah, it feels
like you, Jack, are on a completely different page than
the rest of the kind of movie executives here. And
(47:55):
I gets him, though, But he gets him. That's good.
We need that good. Yeah, that's good business. That's good business. Okay, Well,
he also greenlit that movie Curtains Curtains, Curtains in my Shoe. Yeah,
I mean that was a flop, but I mean we've
all had flops. Yeah, I mean I got a second
(48:18):
pitch in the chamber if you want to jump to that. Okay,
this is a sports film. I mean was the first
one of pits. Really, I mean that was just gonna
be threw a title out there and then expect, like
all fairness, I'm gonna take DIBs on that first one
before we even hear the second. I'll talk to Jack
(48:38):
after this. I like to really dangle that title out
there first, and if if there's nibbles on that, on
that bait, then you know, I know that on that pulp,
follow that pool. So here's another floater ready. God you babe,
(49:03):
I guess you're not working from home today? Huh your day?
You have a day off? Finally listen, Well, not every day.
It's kind of you wanted a movie. Yeah, okay, we're
gonna watch a movie. Yeah you brought Okay, Yeah, we're
gonna watch Curtains. Curtains in my Shoe. That movie sucks?
(49:24):
What that movie sucks? Honey, it's my day off. You
said it yourself. How would you ever have seen this
movie with that I'm in the c I A. Okay,
you're what I said? Yeah, I'm in the c I A.
All right, do you love child? What are you? Why
(49:46):
are you jumping to that? Yes? Of course, and it
is our child? But have you not yes? Get over here?
Get over here? You he's furry. Yeah, like okay, Linda,
thanks for coming in today. I'm just going over all
(50:06):
your test results. You've just done an incredible work. We're
very pleased. I'm not sure we've had this uh sort
of numbers before. I just had one follow up question.
Is there any scenario in life where you would say
the following words, I'm in the c I A. Because
that's going to be a bit of a deal breaker
(50:26):
for us. Um, any scenario at all? Anything come to
mind off the top of my head. No, um, let's
let's go all around your head. Not just okay, um.
(50:48):
I can't think of why I would ever say that.
Unless I got frost. You would be compelled and kind
of spat it out, you know, I mean, so frustration
would be really So that's any scenario you just got frustrated? Yeah,
I mean yes, if you want to, sir, you got
(51:10):
like six seven red shells headed towards the building right now,
right now, save yourselves, send yourself okay, now, don't come
through the building. Now, don't worry about Okay, Sean, I
have your next appointment is going to be some of
the cast members from Okay, Sean, I can hear you
(51:34):
making sound effects on the intercom um. So I'm gonna
send in, uh, some of our next the next appointment
you have. These are some of the cast members from
Curtain Curtain Shoe, So I think they might be good
for some scene to scene. It is called curtin Curlton
in my shoe. I am so sorry. I'll send them
in right now. Also, bring some tea, Please bring some tea. Yes,
(51:56):
thank you? He hi there. Wow, what an honor. I
don't know if you've heard me earlier, but I'm working
on a new script, a new script. Lots of pepews
and some it. Wow. You are gorgeous. First of all.
Thank you. So maybe we could work together seen to
(52:21):
be seen? I do not know. I must How do
you say? Seeing from you? You'll know to understand the
how do you say what is happening? You're aware of theater? Well,
let me ask you a question, Bill, how important is
(52:42):
this meeting, because to me, if it's not that important,
I say, go in with like an accent, like I
don't know French, Belgium, just fun with you know what
I mean? I could, but I know sometimes my friend
it waffles. It can even to Jamaican. I think that's
hilarious and that's the live aspect. And yeah, yeah, yes, yeah,
(53:09):
I don't I don't know e e yeah, I'll do
you say this is I d yes, yes, m hmm,
okay that type of work. Invitamen texual this company meet you.
(53:35):
What's it gonna take to get you to be one
of my actors? Do you want to meet Christopher Walkin? Oh? Yeah?
What do you want to meet Kevin Polk? Yes? That
Kevin Polk. Can I meet them blow at the same time?
You know what? For you? Because I want you so badly? Yeah? Hey,
(53:57):
can you can you get a Kevin Ristopher place? Oh? Ship,
I hate the wrong sorry building as an inter con
system if you pressed, he's American inter coun system. Can
we get Christopher and Kevin in place? Yes, it's coming
in right now, sir. And hey, um, great team, thank you, no,
(54:21):
thank you? Hey? What's going on? Christopher? Yeah? They know
who you are, Chris. What's going on you guys? Oh
my god, Kevin Chris, Uh, this is I don't need
to say who he is obviously a very famous actor.
(54:42):
I'm trying to get him on board and I'm hoping
maybe you guys could share your experience with how it's
been working here at seem to be seen. What do
we need to say to get you into Cadillac today.
I want to say that I think Kevin Publock you
are amazing, but uh, what you say it? I want
(55:07):
to know what your favorite movie is? A man, I
like the one where you are the judge Lord of
New York. You'll play some kind of king of the City,
King of New York. It has the guy from the
show in it, and Westley Snipes and Cowboy Cutters. I
think you're talking about Legion man. No, I cannot get
(55:33):
past this voice. It's something about it that reminds me
of someone I once to know. I haven't we Christopher
has an effect on people. I mean, Kevin, you've worked
Chriss for a long time. Yeah, this is what he does.
He gets inside your head and uh, you know, if
we work together, that's something you'll just get used to
(55:56):
on a daily basis, and I hope this is not
a deal break or for you, but uh, you know,
he's got his own way of thinking and speaking. I'm sorry, guys,
I can't do this anymore. Look, whoa god, I can't
do it either anymore. I'm going on. You're never gonna
(56:16):
believe this. But I'm not Christopher Walking. What the fund
is happening. I'm an improv teacher and I just I
came in with my when I came for the interview,
and I did an Actually I couldn't keep up. And
I'm from your rifle company. It's a scene. Man, Oh jem,
(56:36):
why why would you call me in for this? I
could be making videos for cameo right now. Look, that's
something I gotta tell you all. Oh no, don't don't know.
Come on, C I A I'm C. I bring it down,
red shells everywhere. Let's go here you go, okay, I'm
(57:01):
a back up, Thank you, thank you. So what you're
saying is, if you're in in a moment of stress
and attention in the field, you're just going to repeat it,
say I'm C. I in my understanding, that's how the
radio works. So yes, repeat and um, I mean if
(57:24):
you're one of us, sure, if you're undercover then maybe
not not as much. So is this like the most
important thing about being in the CIA, because that's the
only interview question you've asked me so far. Yeah, as
it turns out, it's the one that will will keep
you alive in the field. It we're going to go
(57:44):
the other way, but I'm trying to keep you alive
in the field, is what I'm trying. That's why I
keep hammering this point home. So if you if you
want to work here and you want to stay alive,
then you need to say anything. Really, but I'm see
I am let's work. Let's let's workshop some other things
(58:07):
you might say. So, so they get your order wrong,
and they give you the food, it's in the bag,
You get back in the car, you get home, you
open up the to go order and it's completely fucking wrong,
and you say, what, No, that's our show today. Oh
(58:35):
my god, it's all the timing. Did you learn a
little something there, James. Oh. Let's thank all of our
alchemists please, starting with returning champion Patrick Rowlands, thank you
so much for joining us once again. And where can
folks find you and or yourn. You can find me
(58:57):
on the social media's under Patrick Rowland. Also my an
independent sketching improp troop uh three pet comedy put that
up on the social media as well. All right, Patrick,
thank you and also thank you for not correcting me
each and every one of the thirty seven times I
mispronounced your last name. So it's Roland. Let go of
(59:18):
the W because I just hammering that fucking W. James,
heeny uh hi, it's not he Uh. Where should folks
find you and thank you for being here? Uh? Well,
you could find me at uh. If you want video
game news, go to game Front on YouTube and every
(59:41):
week I have a show called Hot Off the Press
Start and it's a fun video game news show that
is awesome. Mhm uh. If you go to Chris slash
or hyphen Alvarado dot com, is there a listening to
that to a link to that what James just mentioned, Well,
his website it's down there. So if there's a link
from your website to this, then yes there is. Oh excellent.
(01:00:06):
And Chris, what else can folks hope to get from
Chris hyphen Alvarado dot com at Chris dash Alvarado dot com.
You can read a little bit about me my bio. Okay, okay,
where I am and why I'm not just the all
American boy next door. N you can uh, you can
see little photo gallon. I mean you want to see
my reel A real is a compilation of video work
(01:00:27):
I've done. It's there. You want to contact your boy,
you want to learn about improv classes, It's all there.
Do you want to listen to Joey Greers good Night
Sketch comedy album. It's also linked on my web page.
Point is Anything you want? It's there. Chris dash Alvarado
dot com. Nice Caroline Connor, thank you so very very much.
(01:00:50):
How long do you think you'll hunker down at your
current location? I have no idea. It's up to the pandemic. Yeah,
could be a week, could be five years. Sure I
did it. Yeah? And uh, what has been your favorite
meal since you've been there so far? Um? Honestly, bagels?
(01:01:11):
I love bagels. Yeah, and New Jersey has tight asked bagels.
Also known for their dinners. Do you have a favorite
Do you have a favorite diner? The Summit Diner in
some of New Jersey is a classic diner. Check it out,
it's old, It's good the end. Thank you for sharing.
(01:01:32):
Last time I was therea eight at one called state
Line state Line Diner. You ever been there, Joey Graham No, okay, thanks,
Well that's our show. Let's thank our oh d waite, Joey,
is there's something you want to share with every anyone?
I did? I think I was thinking of a Kope
Deville Cadillac, but the Monte Carlo is a Chrysler. Chrysler
(01:01:57):
Monte Carlo. Yeah, not to be, but it see it's
a hard see yeah, So I mean my mind goes
where it goes, and then we get it out of
the gutter eventually. Let's thank our engineering producer to the stars,
Mr Dutban. Fine, folks that I heart media. I'm your host,
(01:02:18):
Kevin Pollack reminding you that we love you and appreciate you.
Please continue to write to us, write a review, make
James happy, and look out for each other and put
on a damn mask until next time. Three
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. It this this covid
N I'm your whole with Kevin Pollock. Yes that look
if you know, why the hell did you asked me?
But I digress. Let's mean a Rochamis shower, no particular
old saying love James ny keft caffeine. Everyone has a price.
So how much would I have to pay you to
(00:24):
never have a cup of coffee again? Uh? Pick a number? God,
oh god, hundred thousand dollars would probably do it. But
if I have seventy dollars to never have coffee again? Man,
I was wondering if you do this, because then I
would have just gone up to a hundred and fifty thousand. Yeah,
(00:45):
I'd take seventy thousand, Okay, I don't. I don't know.
Backed by popular demands, Patrick Rowlin pr least fave day job.
At least favorite day job. I think would have to
be um the post office. Uh dogs, there's walking, there's weather.
(01:11):
Uh not just the post office. You were on foot.
It sounds like, yeah, yeah, letter carrying, that's that's got
to be the worst. Like no, but Patrick, you're just
saying hypothetically, And Kevin thinks this actually happened to you
in my correct here. Yes, yeah, no, I I did
work at the post office. I was not a letter carrier.
I worked indoors. So while you worked indoors, you were
(01:32):
laughing at the letter carriers. That's what I'm hearing. We
all did. We sat on our throne of bags of
boxes and laughed and laughed with our good knees. That's
all true. And thank you very much for coming back. Patrick.
Look at she's back. It's Caroline Cotter. Who's poop? Is it? Anyway?
(01:52):
Favorite mannaise based dish, Jesus Christ, I didn't like mannaise
until I'm sorry. I would like to answer this with
my least favorite dish is James's tuna pasta. Have been
trying to talk to everybody about like, actually, I've had
(02:13):
multiple nightmares about. So I'll answer your question with the opposite,
and that my least favorite is something I've never had before.
Appreciate that we talked about it during an episode opening
whether or not that was a good idea to suggest
to you, and we're very very thankful that you did
not fall for that. We felt, but James insisted if
(02:33):
you put it in a cooler with ice you know
it's gonna be fine for a five hour, five day trip,
but you know you gotta refresh the ice. Sure, it
seems like a lot of one a lot of work.
Ladies and gentlemen, We've got some sweet crissalvarado for you.
One dish, no pish. What's the one dish you make
(02:54):
that Jessica looks forward to the most. Honestly, the answer
is nothing. And here's the deal. She's a great she's
a great cook. I help out with much as I
can or whatever. She's so good. Um, but she did
just say to me, like two days ago. We're sitting
on the couch and she says, I want you to
make one dinner in September. So challenge. I'm gonna do that.
(03:19):
I don't know what that dish is gonna be, and
I don't know I'm gonna I'm gonna send you a
recipe for a great one beautiful, beautiful, super super super simple.
And last, but check your crack for crack. If you
think of late, it's Joey Greer freaking a box. What's
it gonna take to get you into a Cadillac today? Oh? Man?
(03:43):
Uh at what year? That's my question? Two yeah, Yeah,
what do they got money? Carlos in Yeah, I try
to Cadillac Monte Carlo. I don't is it the Monte Carlo? Yeah,
there's no cadillact Monty Carlo. What's the Monte Carlo? I
(04:06):
don't know. Look it up, man, it's not a fucking Catillac.
I think it is. No. I think he's furiously googling
right now. That is such a Google face. What the hell?
Speaking of which, watch this documentary. I think it's HBO Max.
Uh Social Dilemma. Oh, I saw it. It's the scariest
(04:29):
fucking horror story I've ever wanted talking about why I'm
not on Instagram? Um, why I never we understood. We
understood that I've never been on Facebook and couldn't be
happier after watching that fucking documentary. All right, let's do
a damn show. Almost all of our scene suggestions have
gathered from your listener emails or from our Patreon v
i P is. To become a patron v i P
(04:51):
supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content and all
the other perks, just head on over to patreon dot
com slash alchemy this if you'd like to submit a
scene suggest by old timey email. Please write to the
podcast at your name here at alcove this dot com.
That's your name here. Scene one comes from Peyton v
I P. Nicholas mock Our returning v I P. Scene suggestion,
(05:17):
who wrote, Hi, Kevin, I just want to write in
to say that I'm so happy that there is still
entertainment that can be enjoyed by the whole family. Often
we sit down with my wife and our kids to
relish content that is just too good to be passed by.
So thank the heavens for two seasons of Cobra Kai. Yeah. Anyway,
(05:40):
here's my scene suggestion. It's typical Tuesday at the company
that suggests scenes that one can book if you want
to make a scene at the restaurant or airport of
your choice, Love Nicholas. So it's not um, it's not
one of our longer it's it's two and a half ages,
so both you and your wife can memorize it pretty easily. Um, okay, okay,
(06:02):
now and this is and frankly this is this is package.
So it's not much, not much, but but you get
to it. We could go through B and see. I
don't know how how good of actors you are. I
don't know. I want to see I want to see
B and C. Honey, Oh yeah, we would get to that.
But like there's a progression. That's why it's called the alphabets.
We have to do a first otherwise. Why that's why
(06:23):
it's called the alphabet. I didn't know that. Hey, the
more you don't know that, Hey, stick with me. Like
you teach me things, I teach you things. I didn't
tell you anything. I'm so dumb. No, baby, you taught
me that. You have a very quick way of getting
upset about alphabets. Okay, you're right, that's true. I do
(06:45):
You're right. Okay, now listen. I don't want to interrupt here.
But based on what I've just seen, yeah, I do
have an experimental scene where there's experimental, there's a status,
A status shift occurs. Sounds like an improv exercise? What
it sounds like an improv? Yeah. We took some classes
(07:06):
that a local Discovery Zone, Yes, you know Discovery Zone.
It was taught by a man named Patty Snacks. All right, everybody,
I want you to get up on stage. I want
the couple to get up on stage. Everybody. Then he
said the couple. Well, and we're the only ones in
the class right on the stage. Okay, what's gonna happen
(07:33):
in this improv scene? I'm going to give you a script.
I'm gonna give you this script. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. Okay,
Now what I'm getting have you do? Is it the
middle of the improv scene? I want you to switch
the script? And but I'm sorry, Mr Snacks, Yes, Mr Snacks,
I'm sorry to interrupt the I've rented this hall until
(07:54):
two thirty. It's the Discovery Center. Sure, okay, I am
understandser and yes I know is I think I don't know?
I mean, this is a one on one so I guess. Yeah,
he's illustrating what we're trying to learn. That's what's next.
I'm sorry, but we're going to have to tear up
(08:15):
the contract we have with you rent in the space.
But but I'm a I'm a renowned improv teacher. Maybe maybe,
but here's the Discoveries and we don't give a shit
about that. Okay. What we care about is making a rent,
and right now you're not feeling that void. I'm sorry. Well,
the word of mouth is really important to once I
get this person, look that's a really sad story. I
don't know how that's relevance to what's going on here.
(08:37):
I don't know. They stayed in character, right, I guess
I don't know. You don't know, and that's why you're here,
look Um, you're here at scenes to be seen, all right? Yeah? Okay,
now again, A might be a good fit for you,
b and see okay, or if you want to go experimental,
you let me know. It's whatever you're comfortable with. Okay.
(08:59):
You know I'm feeling experiment mental. And I love you
so much. Uh. I was talking to you saying, Ny
it's okay. Um, if you have one second here, I
could call in my big time actors to kind of
give you a small rundown of what the scene might
(09:21):
look like. Sure, we have got a babysitter for the week,
so we didn't know how long it would take and
I had to book it. Like just some stress about that.
So I just kind of overshot or maybe not, I
don't know. Okay, give me one second, Hey, Tracy, the
boys are the boys in? Oh? Yeah they are. Do
(09:42):
you want me to send them inside? Yes? Please? You
got it? Hey, Tommy, I'm so excited to do this
scene for these people. Just tell me, are we doing
scene A, B or C? Oh boy? Uh, we're doing
experiment to fuck me. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
(10:04):
Where's your scene, partner? I just got back fu me
tell me what we're gonna do here? Good good, alright?
Fellas fellas? Uh, these are the Carlyles Carlin. These are
the fellas is here? If if I may, is it
Mr and Mrs Carlin? Yeah, I know you you. I
(10:30):
mean I've seen you in films before. They're both pretty famous.
Please worked for the Christopher Walking, But I don't know who.
It seems like he's trying to like about impression of
him or Anny Barbarino doing Ralph Macho from the Karate Kids. Yes, yes, exactly,
(10:51):
that's I think the same. Those are the many levels
you can expect here at seem to be seen, all right,
Why an't we doing It's the same? So here you go.
Take this script. Okay, okay, take this one. I'm gonna
do it. I'm gonna take the pot of crap pants. No.
(11:12):
Mr and Mrs Carlyle. Character description and breakdown is very
important to any role. Um, so so uh, he's chosen
the role of Mr. Crap Pants, probably based on the
character's breakdown he finds something that resonates with him. Um
so is that right, Mr Walking? It is? It is,
And in fact, I have crap your pants. Huh, actor,
(11:38):
that's why we work so well together. I really want
to see the movie you we're in. Yeah, what is it?
I like what we'll see. We're both, you know, cinephiles.
So just name one, just one. I don't want to
I don't want to name them all all. It's a
long list. I said, just name one. I said, just okay, okay,
(12:01):
I said, Tracy, can you bring us my teas place? Yes,
coming in right away. All right, you're gonna love this
ize tea. It's peach. No, I'm not a big peach guy,
and I don't know if you are, but it goes
nicely with this tea. All right, So you're gonna have
your t You're gonna watch this scene. You're gonna make
a choice today. Whatever I gotta do to get you
into a scene today, I'm gonna do. Could be a be,
(12:25):
could be a c could be experimental. I don't know.
I'm looking for you to to turn heads at the
Starbucks I'm looking at you to get to get gasps
at a train stop. All right, whatever it is, wherever
you want to go. Tracy coming in. Okay, here's the tea.
Here's the tea. Thank you, Tracy, Tracy, Tracy Camery. Tell them,
(12:46):
tell them both your IMDb rating right now. My star
rating right now is up two d and sixteen points
sixteen points up. So what's the number. It's okay, it
doesn't matter about that. It's already shooting up up from two.
It's up two. That's like a shooting stoff. Is it
was like a cartoon voice or what? Sure? I play
(13:10):
at car dudes too? Just one? Well it was it's
a well it's a commercial. Uh, I know you you
taught me improv. Oh my god, what is your name? Um?
Don't say it was this spot or something? Mr? The hell?
Was it snack? We never got the full class. I
(13:38):
was actually I was actually this is my just I
was wearing a Kevin po mask and my character was. Now, look,
I understand this bank took a risk giving me this
loan for a scene to be seen. I can't. I can't.
It's not it's not working the way I thought it
(13:59):
was gonna work. I'm sorry, did you come in here
today to give the money back? That doesn't seem like
a yes, it's like more like I want to give
the money back. I just can't. You just dropped by
to let me know things weren't working out so well. Yeah, yeah,
so sort of like like like a head's up, heads up, right, right,
But you understand we're not actually a bank banking. I know,
(14:23):
I know, I know, And that's why. That's that's why,
that's why I wanted to do So there's no doovers
or give me backs or that kind of thing. You
take money from us, you make payments, so you don't.
It's just you listen, sir, if I may. When I
pitched the idea to you, you thought it was a
great business idea as well. Yeah. I threw in a
couple of grant of my own money and and and
I know that, and that's why I need you to
(14:45):
know that I am seeking the top actors right now,
come on board for example. I am so I got people, right, Okay,
Well that's that's that's good for me. Are you all right?
(15:07):
Christ Yeah, Gus, it's just simple business idea. Yeah, it's
still a great idea. But you gotta understand when you
take money from us and then you come back in
here and I see, uh I got a family. I
got a family, right, well, you had a fam. I'm
so sorry to interrupt, but just think is closing in
(15:27):
five minutes and um he's blocking me in, so just
if you can hurry it up. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure, thanks.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. No, not at all.
Is there any uh tuna salad? Uh pasta left? Mr Keller? Look,
(15:49):
I booked a scene with you, with me and my wife. Okay,
now she's been held in Guantanamo Bay. Okay, I did
not know that that was We're going to be terrorists
at the airport. Okay. We decided and you said, don't
look at the script until you're there and just read.
You need to have fresh eyes. You need to have
fresh eyes with that look whatever. I need my wife back, Okay,
(16:10):
show there. You're you're looking at it through the wrong lens,
my man. So lenses are on cameras, and cameras make movies. Okay,
I know all about that. Now, the lens on what
you're looking at this situation is through a victim's lens.
And I'm telling you she's made it to the big time.
You can send her letters in Quantanamo Bay, can you know?
(16:31):
I can't. No, I can't. There's no communication. Look, there
are no refunds here, Sir, did a great job. I look,
either you give me a refund or you give me
a new scene to get her out. Card card please.
I think there's been a misunderstanding. Ye hear that. Every
day from at least a half dozen people, there's been
(16:52):
a misunderstanding. You see. Hold on, just take a look
at this here. This is a script from the scene
that was doing with my usin. You got that paraphernalia? No, no,
this is a script we were We were at the
airport and we're trying to just you know, soldier. What
is that? Yeah? The dame said it was a screw
(17:14):
Look at this? Oh my god? When to contact the CIA?
Right now? Looks like we got intel on where this
terror cell is from. Like seen seen, this is the CIA. Hello, Hi,
Field Agent Mercer? How are you? Oh? I'm good? How
are you? You miss the Ultimate Frisbee game last Weneight?
(17:37):
I know? I know. Look, I'm calling working. They got
your work in they do you know where I'm at?
You know where I'm at all the time. That's right,
I don't got you're following me. I'm in the CIA.
So I'm in the CIA. Looks looks I got some
(18:00):
that Who are you talking to? Huh? Who are you
talking to? Watch the film? Okay, well, it's just I'm
on a work call. I'm watching the cinema. I'm on
a work call. Go, we'll continue watching the cinema. Let
me talk. So no, no, I'm here. I'm in the CIA,
so just go. Okay, I'm gonna listen. This is a
(18:22):
pressing national security issue. Looks like I got some intel
in a terror cell that was over at the airport
that we snagged up. And uh, I don't know if
you want to run this for me scene to scene?
Can you check in the database? Everything popping in to see?
Watching my computer, I'm on the other side of my house. Okay,
you're at the headquarters headquarters. Hey baby, you're back. Honey. No,
I'm trying to you know, I'm working from home right
(18:42):
now because I'm in the CIA. But I like the booty. Honey,
Stop what I'm saying. What do you want? Um? So,
I'm I'm I got I saw a commercial on the
television and it's for the PlayStation five, okay, and it's
got the game with the people. And I was wondering
(19:04):
if you know, um if um, if you could um
if I could get a PlayStation five with the game. Yes, yeah,
that's fine. We'll get it for your birthday, for your
birthday next week. Use the bathroom. Sounds like a scrap
in his pants. Use the bathroom. No, No, I'm in CIA,
(19:26):
so I can take the right now. Okay, honey, stuff,
I'm yes, he's training, he's in the CIA. I'm in
the CIA. I just need to go to my Okay,
so that was too grunde cold bruise with almond milk
in the name? Was Mr Carlos that you said? Yes, yes, yes,
(19:53):
yes carl with k Okay, Okay, terrific. We'll call anyone
is done. I'm sure you will. If it gets done.
If someone doesn't cause a thing, that's right. But if
you don't make this happen fast, then we're there's gonna
(20:14):
be a problem. Could you give us one second, honey?
Can I speak to you over here for a second. Yeah,
I know, I'm doing an improv and you have dorov
the point are going to a scene place. We paid
five thousand dollars for a scene. Why are you improvising it?
Are you doing line? Yeah? We already put in our orders,
(20:38):
so this isn't the line. No, this is the part
of the Starbucks where you pick up the fucking drinks. Whoa,
whoa easy, you gonna hold those two cups? You're gonna
make these guy dame espressos with Hell's going on? Man? Hello? Yes, Sean?
You yes, so you're gonna make these espressos. He's gonna
hold these two cups of the carlisles. That is this? Hello, Sean?
(21:00):
Are you deaf? What is happening? I think Sean? I
think Sean is in shock or something. He's no standing
there with this is crazy. Man, Hey, Sean, I'm sorry, man,
I kind of talk to you in my office. I
know you guys. Where's the coffee? Sean? I'm asking you that, buddy,
you're holding the two cups for the cold You're asking amazing,
I'm asking you, man, I didn't I got the order? Yeah? Yeah,
(21:23):
I guess you. You took the order and then you
just stood there drawing the espression machine. Sean. Hold on,
we're gonna have to let you go. We're gonna are
you Josh, Josh, Dude, you're my brother in law. Dude,
and I made a mistake. Dude, Look I married your sister. sEH.
I'm sorry, just just it's gonna say a word in
(21:46):
here out I don't I don't need this, man, I
don't need this. You're out. Look at those two people,
and that's what they've seen one. Now, God is seen one.
I have seen one. I'm in the c I A
C two comes from Kens, who wrote, Hello, welcome. It's
(22:07):
my husband and I listen to your podcast a lot
on our way to and from oh B appointments. I'm
currently thirty two weeks pregnant, which got me thinking of
a scene. Which is the worst possible time for someone
to go into labor. Ps. My husband got me into
this podcast and loves it. He doesn't know I sent
(22:27):
this in. I think it would be funny for him
to find out that I did. If you actually pick
this one, Stay healthy sincerely, Ken's now full disclosure, this
is from a couple of months ago. Oh my god,
she already gave birth, So Ken's if you're listening, please
right back to us with any updates and sorry for
(22:48):
my tardedness regarding your email. But here we go, Jordan
or Huber, I did okay? Yeah? Oh did you both?
I mean I already wanted to do order him. Yeah,
I'm looking plate ending. Oh my god, thank god you're
out here. Is there any way we can snag this?
(23:09):
My wife is about to give birth and we don't
have a car. That's not how overworks, sir, there's no
snagging and you, gentlemen, I just have the name Steve.
That's my name. My name is Steve. Okay, I can
only take one Steve. Well, my wife's name is Steve,
and I'd really like it if you take my wife. Steve.
Did you call my name? I was inside, I was
trying to go to the bathroom. Do you just say
(23:30):
my name? Stephenie? Yes, Stephenie. You're gonna need to get
sack in the back seat of this car. Whoa hold?
Hold on? Is this when you or not? Does somebody
want some water? Maybe some life savers? We need to like,
can we clarify who's getting in this car? One Stevie
can get him. I'm a businessman, uh, Steve, you seem
(23:51):
to be well dressed. I run businesses. I'm a businesswoman,
and I'm about to give birth. I think I'm about
to go into late right, hasn't start? Yeah, at the
super pool, I know about labor right now? About now,
I gotta I gotta workforce underneath me. Steve, how about
you just cool? I could technically take you all, but
(24:12):
you would have to order up the car while we're driving.
So as long as you agree with that, everybody hop
on it. I mean, hold on a second. Earlier you
were saying you can only take one, Steve, and now
you're bringing the rules for some reason. I look, I
don't feel comfortable into an uber. You're out. It was
gonna be too crowded with him. I don't. I don't
feel great about about getting in the super Great I'm
(24:36):
gonna walk there. Okay, wait, see what up? What up? Hey? Hey? Buy?
So that was weird, that's crazy. You know, there's those
leather shoes. Don't look like you walk a lot of them.
Probably mean joining your desk we're driving around. So that's
the sign of a true money man coming coming from
a guy who's got cufflings the size of you know,
(24:57):
big ones. Yeah, what do you mean big ones? A
little bit if it's not too much trouble. Could we
go to our uberpool first? Uh? And whatever you're because
your wife's given birth the uberpool right now, we don't know.
It's just l I know, I just they're They're probably
not going to drop us off first because we're kind
(25:17):
of you know, Jim here who was in the car,
are already definitely is our earmarked for our first drop off. Now, Jim,
we can't ask you given that this uh lady, I
don't wanna assuve. I am bursting at the scenes with
a child coming out of my ears. You don't want
to assume, Okay, please, these are modern times. I don't
(25:41):
want to be accused of anything. So this woman uh
is about to get like that. You don't have to
say it like you decided. Well, that's what I mean.
It's like the boss, but I want to be I'm
also want I want to be their friend. No, me too,
me too, But I also don't want to be their
friend because I'm their boss. And then you know what
I mean. Well, Jesus, is that what they mean by crowning?
(26:01):
Put that away? Will all the hospital Jim boe. So
I guess what I'm asking is so you buy you
buy low? You sell high? Is that right? Exactly? Well?
You can you can flip that too, you can you
can buy high and sell low, right right, because like
(26:22):
a lot of business goes down with you when you
think about business and numbers, you don't Are there two
kids in there? What's happening? I don't know. We wanted
to see. I think there might be a second baby.
I mean I can't technically go fast. This is awkward.
We have the same business card. Alright, Alright, I guess
(26:44):
I guess I'll go to your office which is my office. Okay,
that's crazy, you know, Um, this is so fucking nuts.
Would you have to get a business coffee, business dinner? Uh?
Sometimes I used to start with the business lunch, but um,
you know what, it has been a weird day. How
does it already have a sweater on? Come on, that's
(27:04):
a lot of hell. I don't think this is mine.
I don't think this woman. You're right to come in
to check a fraternity test. Mr Steve Steve, Steve Stevens,
that name Steves, just me, Mr Stevens, Mr Steves. Uh yeah,
(27:26):
I mean it's not uncommon for fathers to do this
behind their wives back. Because doctor we have a gentleman
named Jim who says he was supposed to be the
same appointment. Um, he was in in Uber with these
two and some. I don't know the whole story, but
he might be the father so covered in I heard that.
(27:48):
So when we bring him in, I'll do a little
swabby and I'll put it in the machine to see
what comes up. But Mr Stevis, Uh, I'm not tuff.
It's gonna be Jim because he's a he looks like
he's covered in juice. But you're saying that the child
was covered in heron and for me, it was not hair.
There's a very different oh fur as different than hair.
Oh fuck me, I'm a goddamn doctor. You know what
you know? Stevis? Can I see you in my office
(28:09):
for a second? Sorry, Mrs Stevie's was it? I didn't
mean to ease up, Carl. Could I talk to you
for a second? Yeah, just give us a moment if
you were Mrs Stevies, So sorry, be right back. Yeah, Carl,
what the funk with the language in front of the customers?
What did I'm high as hell? What do you want
me to do? Oh? That's great, that's great. You come in.
You get high by yourself. I'm yaked out of my
goddamn mine. You're not going to turn the rest of
(28:29):
us on with your yak. What do you get turned out?
How you get turned out? I don't know that, dude. Look,
do you want some blow or not? I do? Okay,
I can hear you, Jim, Hey, hey, j I'm the
nurse here. Yeah. So I just um, thank you for
filling out the form series of great insurance. So, so
here's what here's what I want to figure out. You
had slept with this woman before you saw her in
(28:52):
the uber? Is that correct? So sleeping with if? I
don't know, it's weird term to you that you have
sex with her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we did it.
We bow okay. And do you know her husband, Steve? Steve?
(29:13):
Yeah yeah, yeah, you know him? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
It's because because the doctor is about to do oppraternity test.
If it's you, it's going to be weird. Oh boy,
you're covered in juice. Yeah, I got hair, wet ass pants. Yeah.
Why don't I do this? Why don't I put you
in and Steve in the same room? And this is
(29:36):
a little very Mari Povich of you. But okay, yeah,
we'll do the we'll do the seafood platter, and we'll
also do the m so I wasna I was gonna
say seafood platter. So you're ordering for both of you, yes,
but if you want to order for both of us
as well, he can. He's a business ceo of this menu.
(30:05):
All right, let's take it to town. Let's do the
seafood platters, do the just the meats here. Thank god
you're in here. These guys. These guys are on drugs. Jim. Well,
it's a hospital, assume everybody. They call it yack. Oh
my god, I heard about that stuff. I don't want
(30:26):
my wife be here. I don't want my my my baby. Yeah,
you see my baby. Yeah. Cute, cute, he's very cute.
I think it looks pretty cute, pretty cute. Looks like
a cheap a cobra. Okay, I don't know about that.
I think he looks a little bit like John Legend.
If he look like me, I don't, I don't. I
(30:46):
don't think that happens. Hey, Look, that happens a lot.
Do you think all babies look like their fathers? They don't.
It's like, you know, look skip a generation, you know,
like it's like you know, being having red hair or
or I would know about that. I just and I said,
(31:07):
you know, take half of it and then get out
of my line Jeu, and I never sell her again.
I mean having business partners and stuff, you know, you
can't just can't just say, hey, we're going to sign
this lease on this business together and sorry just for
the drink order. Can you just let me know so
I can go. I've been just kind of here for
like an hour. Sure, But that's like the core of it,
is that right where you just really got to navigate
(31:29):
those waters when you say core, here's what I see
core communication organization. We have sparklingers still or just let
me know, like waters beer seltzer, let's do two martini's
up dry all of I don't want those alves wet
at all. So there's a way to code them and
wax and drop them in there so they're dry, and
(31:50):
let's do Jim, Mr Jim Grey, thank you so much,
thank you, miss miss miss What are your initials? U
S S S You only have to yeah, I mean,
I mean you have a middle name name or maybe no,
(32:11):
maybe you don't have a last name. So I do
I do? I do have a last name. I don't
have a middle name. I don't think it's that unusual. Oh,
I'm just asking SS. I'm gonna look that up on
the down exchange one second, can I put this in?
I don't know. Do you want to hear how well
you're stock stra It sounds like it's not me, you're
just using my initials. I don't have any stock called SS.
(32:35):
This thing is shuping high. You should because it's shop
and high. Now is the time to buy right now?
By hi, by hi? So how close are you and
your wife? Like is it like like uh until death
does us part? Or like you know, you know, honestly,
I I don't. I don't think that we're really that
(32:58):
close at all. Honestly, I married her because she kind
of tricked me into this with the baby. Okay, that's
that's that's just we don't bullshit. And that thing doesn't
even look like me. It doesn't even look like a
first off, it's not a thing. It's a it's an
adorable John legend sing t. Yeah. Some people like they
(33:19):
have a condition where like the teeth growing its fing
it's called them them Paris disease. Okay, and it's the
very of your teeth are pretty sharp. Oh so I
say you welcome over there, and tell your manager you're around,
because you just bought two eight four shares at a
very high price. I regret that. Um, I really shouldn't
(33:42):
have done that. That was like my life savings. And
it seems like it can only go down from here.
And honestly, honestly, let's get those drinks in and let's
get that seafood platter out. Okay, thank you, sony. So
this is so what I'm thinking is, you know, we push,
we push, we push, and we're trying to build this
big this is brand because right now it's about branding
(34:03):
exactly right now, It's like I see green arrows pointing
up right right, right arrows. Part of me, I'm a
little the point. What's going on? So? Um so in
quarter in quarter two? What is going on? You are
stumbling through this? I can't help but I think that
(34:25):
maybe I'm trapped inside of a scene to scene this
this this seems like a long come where's my wife?
I don't know I got here when you guys got here?
I no, you've already come out come out. Okay, so
(34:48):
obviously you know your wife. Actually I'm not your wife.
I'm the renound British accent. Um, you all know me.
I'll try something, trying something new. Who funded this this scene?
(35:16):
I didn't buy a scene. I never asked me part
of a scene. I've been nine months of my life
with with you British accent. All right, we're just gonna
just sign us the least form. This is an uber
commercial you are part of. So we're gonna cut this
two year spot. We're gonna cut this up into chunks
and then we're gonna just kind of let it out
(35:36):
as like a YouTube. I'm not I'm not a businessman. Yeah, no,
you're not. I'm sorry you told me to bring my
manager out and so um, here he is Steve. I asked,
don't want to share with you and scene you've been
(36:00):
part of the scene to seeing Steve, I'm not a
business man, I'm an actor. Well I booked this cameo
on cameo A oh did you actually sell I mean
use your life savings somebody? Yeah, I did that. I
did that. Yeah, And I'm not really a table I'm
organ freeman and that is seen too. No, and scene
(36:34):
scene three comes from patron v I P. Chris, who wrote,
high miss thank you for all the laughs during these
crazy times. The new episodes make Tuesdays and Thursdays that
much easier to get through. Scene suggestion road rage stay Chris, mhm,
(36:57):
goddamn it? What is it? Is? Tailgating me? Oh? Come on, no, No,
he's doing it on purpose, doesn't he see the baby
on board sign? Mario? Are you okay back there? Do
you want the snacks? Um? I want to go fish
and I want flaming you. Okay, let me just get
that in the back here. Look, if he's tailing you,
(37:19):
just pull off. Let him go ahead. Alright, alright, that's
what I'm gonna do. I'll be the better man and
just let him pass me. Look at this asshole pulling
over like I'm gonna go around him. Fuck you, buddy, Yeah,
tell him? I mean, come on, what kind of a
bullshit I'm pulling over right behind him? Up? Honey, behind us?
(37:41):
Well then, honey, then just pull a little further down,
just go into this ravine. I mean, if I go
much further, it's going to be the ravine I know,
going to the ravine. Alright, alright, are going to the ravine. Now,
who is before we'll drive on this thing. How do
you cut in the back? Honey? Okay, in the back, yeah, more,
you know, just on my phone. All right, we'll tell
(38:06):
social media. I said, hello, JR. I'm going to ravene
over this guy's head. Do it. They're they're they're turtle.
They're turtle tossing, the turtle rolling. Oh my gosh, we're
tumbling head over. Just okay, okay, honey, just drive through
(38:29):
this jungle. Okay, drive the jungle. Drive. I don't even
know where we're going. Just drive. Just d We're not
on the GPS anymore. Good, we're off the grid. He's
still going, he's still going. Oh my god, good, I'm
going as fast as I can. As fucking guys, unbelievable.
(38:49):
I turtle tossed his ass. Not you gotta keep going
through the jungle. I'm looking at your insurance policy here,
and you are covered for a turtle toss. But it
does look like you tumbled as well as that correct, well,
it was it was. It started as a turtle toss,
(39:10):
but it turned into a barrel rule. Uh and did
you tumble little There was a barrel rule. Well, the
barrel rule was was the tumble. That was the style tumble.
There was no HM, so there was no tumble. No,
the barrel rule was the tumble. So there was a tumble. Yes,
(39:33):
there was a tumble. Yes, So let me get this straight.
You were following this guy and he starts the pull over,
so you disliked the pull over yourself. Yeah. I wasn't
gonna fall for his bullshit. He's gonna pull over and
let me go around fuck that. Yeah. Yeah, we here
at the Progressive Insurance we don't sign too brightly on
people pulling over. So you did the right thing and
(39:54):
doing that. Now, I see here in the papers here
that you also did a turtle toss. That correct. I
engaged in the turtle toss that turned into more of
a barrel roll. But but Mr Dicka, uh, your sub
sandwich here for you? There? All right? This? Yeah, there
you go? All right, all right, I'm gonna eat this
while I damn that smells good. Oh it's the best.
(40:18):
That's the best that all this city can offer. Bet.
I really just honestly think the whole problem was that
he shot this turtle shell at us. It's either a
green shell of red shall of blue shell. I don't
know what it is, but anything after I was hit
with a shell, I don't think it's my fault. So
you did tumble them? Yes, I tumbled. I I admit
I tumbled. It was a barrel roll, but none of them.
(40:40):
It's like the Domino effect. You get shot with a shell,
it's a turtle toss. What it wasn't my fault. This
should affect my insurance. I mean, it is your fault, sir.
You're driving and uh, let's see, I'm looking at the
domino effecture and it looks if you're right, domino effect
(41:01):
I mean, by the book means you get turtle tossed
to barrel roll. I mean, now, let me get this straight.
Was there a baby on board of this vehicle that
you were pursuing into the ravine? I mean defined baby,
small person, loose neck, no teeth. Yeah, yeah, it was
one of them old Google Gaga thing. Alright, that's all right,
(41:23):
that's a double points for that. Now this is very important.
I can't be stressed out enough. Was it a green
or red turtle shell that you shot at the aforementioned
vehicle ship? Hu? Did you notice? Um? But we just
kind of bought like a discount pack from the emporium.
(41:43):
So it's it's a variety of colors. You never know
what's gonna come out. Yeah, oh yeah, aporium. They can
be very tricky. They're not, you know, on the up
and up like we are here acause aggressive insurance. So
one would the color of the turtle shell matter if
I may, Well, green is a very earthy color. Red
(42:07):
signifies anger, and yellow, well, that's just kind of passive,
and we want more of a red because, as I said,
aggressive rather insurance. We don't know what I just remember
the Turtle Show was written. Oh all right, that makes
my pick work easy. I just don't understand what I
can be able to afford this. I thought we had insurance.
We did have insurance, but it doesn't cover talk, it
(42:28):
doesn't cover it doesn't cover tumbles, it doesn't it doesn't
cover you know what. This saddles it. I want to go.
I want to go get some turtle shells, you know,
I know more, Mr Nice Dad, Yeah, welcome to the
Turtle Emporium. How canna help you? Hi? I've never owned
(42:49):
a turtle shell, but like so I'd like to give
that kind of take it easy. I'm just I'm not
very good at aiming. So I've heard that the Red
Shells will you know, track and and you know, hit
the car that you're trying to hit. If if it's
a car you're trying to hit, maybe you're trying to
(43:09):
hit it, dear, you know what I mean, what you
hit with this is up to you. Here's what I'm
gonna say. Well, we gotta we gotta buyer on that
Red Turtle shell c I A, hello, I'm sorry, that's
all good. Listen, we gotta sell on that Red Turtle
(43:31):
Show that we marked. So it looks like we're gonna
trace that again. Stop stop, probably pause on the video game.
I'll join you in a second. Um. I'm just working
from home right now, so I have to Um, my
tracker is in behind my secret bookshelf because I'm in
the CIA, so I'm gonna see I So just like,
(43:53):
let me give me a second and I'll stop. So
hypothetically speaking, you know, if a Red Show were to
shoot towards a vehicle, yeah, it would hit it. You
don't need much experience, you don't need much and this
is this is legal, right, I'm a I just want
(44:14):
to protect myself while I'm driving, right, and it is
legal to protect yourself. You got a family, okay, I
have a I have a beautiful wife, and and one
of those things with the bobbily heads by a baby,
baby baby you need at a baby? Thank you? Yeah,
I got. I feel like I just don't even know
(44:36):
what I do with a green show. I think I
would just be shooting it off. And it's not listen.
If you want a green show, that's that's if you're
on on on on the golf course. You know what
I mean. You got a golf cart. Thank you. Now
you're talking my language. It's gonna be cash. I mean,
that's so strange. I usually I mean the entire baby's
(44:59):
college fund. I don't understand. I mean that was a kid.
Just think of it like this. We've only been putting
money into his college fund for about a year. That
was seventy grand I don't understand. And it's and this
is important, like what what good is a college fund
for a baby we don't even have anymore? Oh my god,
(45:21):
he even said that, I don't know. Hey, FBI C
I A. I don't know what you're doing here at
my emporium. I sell legit goods here. Okay, we're the
c I a look, I don't know what you want
for me. What do you want? You want to you
want to buy Jackie jacket here? Jacket is clearly covering
up a gigantic turtle shell behind it. You're not even
(45:42):
doing a good job of disguising any of them. We're
not even supposed to be here. We're not even supposed
to be here. Yes, I got a whole case of
t s is that need to be put in the
illegal shed. Oh he said illegal? He said illegal. No, No,
hold on, you said illegal. Go with them? Handcuff this guy.
(46:06):
You said it. No, But I mean like ill, like
it's ill people. Yeah, you gotta go to man now. Look, okay,
we all see the mission and a man in black,
right and mission men black. When he goes he talks
to Steve Bushemy or whoever the all that is, he
shoots him in the head. Remember that was it Steve Bushey?
(46:27):
Who was it? Okay, hear me out. I'm gonna start
with the title first, if you don't mind, and then
I'm gonna get to the pitch because I think you're
gonna see what I see just by me sharing the
title of the film. Uh, Mission men in Buck, Tom
(46:48):
Cruise movie, Mission men in Black? Is there a colon
in there? What do you think? I think maybe they're
colin Yeah, calling after the mission colin men in Black.
Let me just make sure I'm hearing this right, Mission
men Black? Right? Well no, so, of course no. So
(47:12):
you mentioned the Mission Impossible movies and you're familiar with
you men in Black. You brought that up. Yeah, you're
the we're the movie studio, you're the creative Ye you
told us. You just for like the first twenty minutes
NonStop about how much you love the Mission Impossible series
and Men in Black and Men in Black. So imagine
(47:33):
Mission men in Black? What am I imagine? What is it?
Let me let me I think I know what he's
talking about. He's talking about like, uh, you know, men
of the Cloth, we're black and uh yeah, it feels
like you, Jack, are on a completely different page than
the rest of the kind of movie executives here. And
(47:55):
I gets him, though, But he gets him. That's good.
We need that good. Yeah, that's good business. That's good business. Okay, Well,
he also greenlit that movie Curtains Curtains, Curtains in my Shoe. Yeah,
I mean that was a flop, but I mean we've
all had flops. Yeah, I mean I got a second
(48:18):
pitch in the chamber if you want to jump to that. Okay,
this is a sports film. I mean was the first
one of pits. Really, I mean that was just gonna
be threw a title out there and then expect, like
all fairness, I'm gonna take DIBs on that first one
before we even hear the second. I'll talk to Jack
(48:38):
after this. I like to really dangle that title out
there first, and if if there's nibbles on that, on
that bait, then you know, I know that on that pulp,
follow that pool. So here's another floater ready. God you babe,
(49:03):
I guess you're not working from home today? Huh your day?
You have a day off? Finally listen, Well, not every day.
It's kind of you wanted a movie. Yeah, okay, we're
gonna watch a movie. Yeah you brought Okay, Yeah, we're
gonna watch Curtains. Curtains in my Shoe. That movie sucks?
(49:24):
What that movie sucks? Honey, it's my day off. You
said it yourself. How would you ever have seen this
movie with that I'm in the c I A. Okay,
you're what I said? Yeah, I'm in the c I A.
All right, do you love child? What are you? Why
(49:46):
are you jumping to that? Yes? Of course, and it
is our child? But have you not yes? Get over here?
Get over here? You he's furry. Yeah, like okay, Linda,
thanks for coming in today. I'm just going over all
(50:06):
your test results. You've just done an incredible work. We're
very pleased. I'm not sure we've had this uh sort
of numbers before. I just had one follow up question.
Is there any scenario in life where you would say
the following words, I'm in the c I A. Because
that's going to be a bit of a deal breaker
(50:26):
for us. Um, any scenario at all? Anything come to
mind off the top of my head. No, um, let's
let's go all around your head. Not just okay, um.
(50:48):
I can't think of why I would ever say that.
Unless I got frost. You would be compelled and kind
of spat it out, you know, I mean, so frustration
would be really So that's any scenario you just got frustrated? Yeah,
I mean yes, if you want to, sir, you got
(51:10):
like six seven red shells headed towards the building right now,
right now, save yourselves, send yourself okay, now, don't come
through the building. Now, don't worry about Okay, Sean, I
have your next appointment is going to be some of
the cast members from Okay, Sean, I can hear you
(51:34):
making sound effects on the intercom um. So I'm gonna
send in, uh, some of our next the next appointment
you have. These are some of the cast members from
Curtain Curtain Shoe, So I think they might be good
for some scene to scene. It is called curtin Curlton
in my shoe. I am so sorry. I'll send them
in right now. Also, bring some tea, Please bring some tea. Yes,
(51:56):
thank you? He hi there. Wow, what an honor. I
don't know if you've heard me earlier, but I'm working
on a new script, a new script. Lots of pepews
and some it. Wow. You are gorgeous. First of all.
Thank you. So maybe we could work together seen to
(52:21):
be seen? I do not know. I must How do
you say? Seeing from you? You'll know to understand the
how do you say what is happening? You're aware of theater? Well,
let me ask you a question, Bill, how important is
(52:42):
this meeting, because to me, if it's not that important,
I say, go in with like an accent, like I
don't know French, Belgium, just fun with you know what
I mean? I could, but I know sometimes my friend
it waffles. It can even to Jamaican. I think that's
hilarious and that's the live aspect. And yeah, yeah, yes, yeah,
(53:09):
I don't I don't know e e yeah, I'll do
you say this is I d yes, yes, m hmm,
okay that type of work. Invitamen texual this company meet you.
(53:35):
What's it gonna take to get you to be one
of my actors? Do you want to meet Christopher Walkin? Oh? Yeah?
What do you want to meet Kevin Polk? Yes? That
Kevin Polk. Can I meet them blow at the same time?
You know what? For you? Because I want you so badly? Yeah? Hey,
(53:57):
can you can you get a Kevin Ristopher place? Oh? Ship,
I hate the wrong sorry building as an inter con
system if you pressed, he's American inter coun system. Can
we get Christopher and Kevin in place? Yes, it's coming
in right now, sir. And hey, um, great team, thank you, no,
(54:21):
thank you? Hey? What's going on? Christopher? Yeah? They know
who you are, Chris. What's going on you guys? Oh
my god, Kevin Chris, Uh, this is I don't need
to say who he is obviously a very famous actor.
(54:42):
I'm trying to get him on board and I'm hoping
maybe you guys could share your experience with how it's
been working here at seem to be seen. What do
we need to say to get you into Cadillac today.
I want to say that I think Kevin Publock you
are amazing, but uh, what you say it? I want
(55:07):
to know what your favorite movie is? A man, I
like the one where you are the judge Lord of
New York. You'll play some kind of king of the City,
King of New York. It has the guy from the
show in it, and Westley Snipes and Cowboy Cutters. I
think you're talking about Legion man. No, I cannot get
(55:33):
past this voice. It's something about it that reminds me
of someone I once to know. I haven't we Christopher
has an effect on people. I mean, Kevin, you've worked
Chriss for a long time. Yeah, this is what he does.
He gets inside your head and uh, you know, if
we work together, that's something you'll just get used to
(55:56):
on a daily basis, and I hope this is not
a deal break or for you, but uh, you know,
he's got his own way of thinking and speaking. I'm sorry, guys,
I can't do this anymore. Look, whoa god, I can't
do it either anymore. I'm going on. You're never gonna
(56:16):
believe this. But I'm not Christopher Walking. What the fund
is happening. I'm an improv teacher and I just I
came in with my when I came for the interview,
and I did an Actually I couldn't keep up. And
I'm from your rifle company. It's a scene. Man, Oh jem,
(56:36):
why why would you call me in for this? I
could be making videos for cameo right now. Look, that's
something I gotta tell you all. Oh no, don't don't know.
Come on, C I A I'm C. I bring it down,
red shells everywhere. Let's go here you go, okay, I'm
(57:01):
a back up, Thank you, thank you. So what you're
saying is, if you're in in a moment of stress
and attention in the field, you're just going to repeat it,
say I'm C. I in my understanding, that's how the
radio works. So yes, repeat and um, I mean if
(57:24):
you're one of us, sure, if you're undercover then maybe
not not as much. So is this like the most
important thing about being in the CIA, because that's the
only interview question you've asked me so far. Yeah, as
it turns out, it's the one that will will keep
you alive in the field. It we're going to go
(57:44):
the other way, but I'm trying to keep you alive
in the field, is what I'm trying. That's why I
keep hammering this point home. So if you if you
want to work here and you want to stay alive,
then you need to say anything. Really, but I'm see
I am let's work. Let's let's workshop some other things
(58:07):
you might say. So, so they get your order wrong,
and they give you the food, it's in the bag,
You get back in the car, you get home, you
open up the to go order and it's completely fucking wrong,
and you say, what, No, that's our show today. Oh
(58:35):
my god, it's all the timing. Did you learn a
little something there, James. Oh. Let's thank all of our
alchemists please, starting with returning champion Patrick Rowlands, thank you
so much for joining us once again. And where can
folks find you and or yourn. You can find me
(58:57):
on the social media's under Patrick Rowland. Also my an
independent sketching improp troop uh three pet comedy put that
up on the social media as well. All right, Patrick,
thank you and also thank you for not correcting me
each and every one of the thirty seven times I
mispronounced your last name. So it's Roland. Let go of
(59:18):
the W because I just hammering that fucking W. James,
heeny uh hi, it's not he Uh. Where should folks
find you and thank you for being here? Uh? Well,
you could find me at uh. If you want video
game news, go to game Front on YouTube and every
(59:41):
week I have a show called Hot Off the Press
Start and it's a fun video game news show that
is awesome. Mhm uh. If you go to Chris slash
or hyphen Alvarado dot com, is there a listening to
that to a link to that what James just mentioned, Well,
his website it's down there. So if there's a link
from your website to this, then yes there is. Oh excellent.
(01:00:06):
And Chris, what else can folks hope to get from
Chris hyphen Alvarado dot com at Chris dash Alvarado dot com.
You can read a little bit about me my bio. Okay, okay,
where I am and why I'm not just the all
American boy next door. N you can uh, you can
see little photo gallon. I mean you want to see
my reel A real is a compilation of video work
(01:00:27):
I've done. It's there. You want to contact your boy,
you want to learn about improv classes, It's all there.
Do you want to listen to Joey Greers good Night
Sketch comedy album. It's also linked on my web page.
Point is Anything you want? It's there. Chris dash Alvarado
dot com. Nice Caroline Connor, thank you so very very much.
(01:00:50):
How long do you think you'll hunker down at your
current location? I have no idea. It's up to the pandemic. Yeah,
could be a week, could be five years. Sure I
did it. Yeah? And uh, what has been your favorite
meal since you've been there so far? Um? Honestly, bagels?
(01:01:11):
I love bagels. Yeah, and New Jersey has tight asked bagels.
Also known for their dinners. Do you have a favorite
Do you have a favorite diner? The Summit Diner in
some of New Jersey is a classic diner. Check it out,
it's old, It's good the end. Thank you for sharing.
(01:01:32):
Last time I was therea eight at one called state
Line state Line Diner. You ever been there, Joey Graham No, okay, thanks,
Well that's our show. Let's thank our oh d waite, Joey,
is there's something you want to share with every anyone?
I did? I think I was thinking of a Kope
Deville Cadillac, but the Monte Carlo is a Chrysler. Chrysler
(01:01:57):
Monte Carlo. Yeah, not to be, but it see it's
a hard see yeah, So I mean my mind goes
where it goes, and then we get it out of
the gutter eventually. Let's thank our engineering producer to the stars,
Mr Dutban. Fine, folks that I heart media. I'm your host,
(01:02:18):
Kevin Pollack reminding you that we love you and appreciate you.
Please continue to write to us, write a review, make
James happy, and look out for each other and put
on a damn mask until next time. Three
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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