April 14, 2020 • 58 mins
Consistently Charming Gerard Butler , But Not That On : Alchemy This Gets A Movie Deal: Jesus Christ, The Illusionist
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy Day. It's COVID edition.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes, that Kevin pollockle Oh gosh,
I don't know. Maybe we'll learn to care more about
personal hygiene when we when we go out. Maybe we'll
never complish means without covering our mouths ever again, Maybe
(00:22):
we'll give an actual funk about one another on a
daily basis. Yeah, maybe, but I digress. Let's meet our alchemy,
shall we? No particular order to say hello to Chris Ovarado?
See your man Ray? Do you see a silver lining
possibly peeking through? Yeah? Right, of course. If not, I'd
(00:46):
be dead. Yes, I do. Ah and Genius was his name? Oh, James,
you're recording the videos that right? I actually second it
is videos. Okay, Chris, you have the option to hold
(01:06):
that photo of again at anytime. Get those mules back
from sister Sarah. It's Craig Kakoski kakaw. What did Lincoln
allegedly say shortly before he was assassinated. I've heard this
is good. Um, I I yelped it, um, yelped it.
(01:27):
I'm gonna I'm gonna pinch one off before before we
watch this, Uh Mary, when the guy comes around, get
me a coke and a bag of salted peanuts. C
and D were correct, the first two not so much.
Uh hold the damn door for the return of founding
member Vanessa Ragler Venete, which quarantine meal has surprised you? Um?
(01:59):
Floor food? Did you see food? I believe yeah, you'll
find yourself finding food on the floor that usually you
would take to the trash, but these days might as well. Right,
the five second rule has become a minute forty I
think just whenever you find it. The clock doesn't start
until you've looked at it. Venicia, We've got so many emails,
(02:22):
just so you know from our wonderful listeners. Uh load
these many weeks without you and man oh man is
there's never ending love for you here and out there,
So welcome back and apologies of course for the auspices.
Quiet Larry James Heeny's here, Jimmy James Smith's to your understanding.
(02:45):
Can of two can talk? Uh? Is it two can apparent? Parent?
Is it two key? And a parent on Australian accent?
First of all, first of all, I don't think two
(03:06):
can talk? Toucan toucan? Is is just a two can.
It's a it's a question a parent um Your answered
though through through the mush is correct. Two can cannot
talk only the one representing was it fruit loops, which
(03:28):
was a two can on? Yeah? Yeah, that that two
can tough to shut that two can up, but not
the actual ones in the wilderney for their money, Jane,
I guess purd is my word to bring me to
(03:49):
my exit. Yep. And and last, but may the fireflies
you catch need new bulbs if you think at least
it's Joey Greer, Oh jam Joe, why won't you tell
the folks what you will be doing later? It's a
secret project. I'm working with the n s A and
NASA and so n s A and then the other
(04:11):
one that where you add an A between the end
and the S. So it's a pretty big deal. I
don't want to get involved with it, but it does
have to do with the birds, so that's what I
want to saying. I also want to know I'm making note.
No one else could see this, but James had a
giant pot of coffee that he was pouring into his coffee.
(04:32):
Hold it up one more times, Hold it up one
more time. Just a ship. That's the cup with your
with I believe your face on it. Whoa, that is
a sizeable French press? Is that you do? You drink
that whole thing? This is my I just started it,
but it is my second. No. No, have you been
(04:52):
up since five am? No? I got up at eight.
Well now you're just bragging, dude, that's crazy and unhelped.
I hope, I hope. It's a long time before this
is relevant. But I'd love to see your autopsy. You
know what. I'm one of the healthiest people I know.
Coffee is like a miracle elixir. Here's to it. Let's
(05:17):
do a damn show, shall we? First, though, a message
from Patreon v i P member Mike del Rosso, who
just bumped his contribution from five dollars to ten dollars.
What the hell doubling down on our insanity? I thanked
him via the Patreon messaging and then this is what
he wrote. Back until three years ago, I shift at restaurants.
(05:41):
I still work with food, but now at a major
healthcare provider. If this pandemic had happened, then I would
would have been homeless. I feel very lucky to be
where I am now. You and your crazy crew of
mischiefs helped to keep a bit of normalcy in this
batship doomsday scenario, and extra five dollars is the least
I can do to show some appreciations. Silver Lining the
(06:04):
phone delays from the new Skype sessions at a nice
layer of bad timing to comedy you're doing. He's assuming
we're on Skype. I guess I'll let him know we're
also not on Discord. Seriously, last Tuesday I almost fell
in the shower laughing when Joey's Internet connection started to
bog down. Fucking priceless. Much love and respect to you
(06:27):
and the team. Stay healthy, be smart, Mike. Well, thank
you Mike for that and for all of it. All
of our scene suggestions are from other patron v i
P members or our listener emails. If you'd like to
submit yours via listener email, please all right to the
podcast at your name here at Alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at Alchemy. Thanks Joey. See Number
(06:53):
one comes from Jans, who wrote, I love the show.
I've been waiting for a worthy suggestion to email. I
overheard this while boarding a plane. Oh gosh, I remember
we were allowed to fly. It's like I always say,
this is what he overheard. It's like I always say
Nick is consistent and he's charming, but he is not
(07:15):
consistently charming end quote. This statement what's hugely interesting to me,
and I wanted to know what Nick's life is like
that he's so charming and so consistent, but not both.
It seemed like you all might have an idea. Everyone
has cycled in and out of my favorites right now.
(07:36):
I love all interactions between Vanessa and Joey. Well. Well,
a welcome return. Thanks James from Michigan. Uh, ticket, Please
can I see your tickets? This ticket was printed up
at my printer is a little bit low and ink,
(07:57):
but you can clearly see that this is a ticket. Well,
I think we need to discuss what your definition of
the word clearly is because mine is to find utterly
and uh, I can yes, it's listen, it's it's the
type of language you use in the air. Okay, I
don't want the overhead bins to be taken. Can you
check my ticket? Oh? Yes, of course, miss I'm gonna
(08:20):
need to put this in the overhead band. I'm so
sorry to interrupt, but I have to I have to
get there before that. There's a rush for the bins.
Can I see your ticket please? Okay, sir, can you
see how well printed this is? Hersus on the phone.
It's not even it's like it's crystal clear. It's very
good resolution and sh and she didn't take part of
(08:42):
a tree to board the plane, did she? Oh? Is that? Oh?
I don't want to get in between. I don't know
if this is a lover's quarrel. I just need to
get on. I need to get my bag up. Mess.
Do you need help with the bag? Be happy to
help you with it. But you're helping me and leave.
But you're the gate agent. Yes, I better have been
allowed to board you. I'm sorry the gate sirr. The
(09:03):
gate agent is hitting on me. Active military is the veterans?
They allowed to wait? Mr veteran? The gate agent is.
I have not served? I just I just wanted to go.
You've not You've not been served? No, I haven't. I'm
thinking about doing it. So can I board? You're thinking
about signing up for the Armed forces, and therefore you
(09:24):
like early boarding. That's miss. You're cleared to board the
plan by the way, than okay, thank you so much
for the offer. I'll lift my bag myself, but I
needed this today and thank you by right on my neck.
That was fantastic. All right, Well, thank You'll see you inside, sir.
Hold on a second, Yeah, I need some I d
(09:46):
uh group group yes, yes, group one, sir. Yeah, you're
banging my way through. You're welcome to go on board.
Thank you, sir. Oh, sir, yes, please, I need a
so I need a form of I d uh. This
is my name? This is my name? Was like good
(10:10):
enough for why you're so charming and you seem you
seem like you really know what you're talking about. I mean,
I'm tempted to let you on board, but I do
need to see an I D circuit part of me,
part of me captain coming, Yes, yes, captain, thank you.
What's your name? Bud Mine? Nope, I know you. I
(10:31):
see your name tag This guy right here who's just singing,
what's your name? Nam? Yeah, I'm trying to find what
is that the actor Gerard Butler, not the actor never mind?
What's your name, sir? The one who was here first
with the oh Sam oh okay, never mind? Then thought
one of you was going to be Nick all right,
could you all my way? Then? Nope? I'm god, that's
(10:53):
my favorite pilot. Hey Sam, what now? You want to
get a drink? I gotta get on is flight? Yeah?
I mean too, you want to get a drink? I can't.
Don't need to try here? Sure if you want to
get a drink, sir? Is any way to get your
ticket on your phone instead of this faded version? I
can try? Yeah, the airline sends you an email loaded
(11:16):
from excuse me. I know you'd offered to help, you'd
offered to help earlier. Well, the monsters from Group one
did what they always do. All the overhead bands are full.
Oh no, and you'd offered to help, and all the
overhead binds are full. And I can't fit this under
my seat. I don't want to check it under the plane.
I'm sorry, Michael, I'm so sorry. Ma'am. You've left the plane.
(11:37):
You've departed the plane. You cannot re enter the plane. Oh,
this bitch, this is one of those groups. She doesn't
work for the airline. She's from Group one. Don't it's true,
but it's part of Group one. I have access to
employee confidentiality agreements and ma'am, hey, my co pilot. Good
to see you today, Bud. You know, I did my
(12:00):
favorite trick when I was walking on. I asked everybody
if their name was Nick, but obviously my name's Nick.
It's one of my favorite things to do. Remind me
of your name again. Skills Skills, Skills, Skill Skills. Where
are you from? Skills? Sat Louis, Oh yeah, oh yeah,
you know my name is Nick. They called me Captain
(12:21):
Nick around here. Oh. I think everyone's well aware of that.
Captain Nick. It's great to see you again. How's the family?
Five five five? But I'd like hearing that. Yeah, well,
it's true. There's word on the street about about Captain Nick.
You don't say yep uh. Part of the people on
the street there are saying that you're extremely charming, and
another part of the people are saying that you're consistent,
(12:41):
which I realized that. You know, it suggests that you're professional,
and I think that's called for given your Hey, um,
may I call you Mr? Nick? I don't, I'll just
call you Captain. So there's a little kerfuffle. I don't
(13:02):
want to weary you seems hold on, I don't mean
interrupts it in my lap, Please Okay, that's much better.
There's a kerfuffle, and then is that the group one
is turned on the other four groups and there's there's
not enough people on the plane. It's not heavy enough,
(13:23):
and I don't know what to do. Okay, okay, okay,
why don't I take care of this. Let's talk to
him over the sticky real quick get away. These are
my overhead bends one, damn it one, you animals, I'm
an exit rope, but please, I'm an exit rope. Please.
I'm a gold member Lifetime Achiever Level Penultimate Wizard. Okay,
(13:49):
so I'm entitled to as much overhead bend space as
I can possibly get. Well, there's more of us in
coach than there are in first class. Oh yeah, I
try it. Rise up, Coach, Rise up, Hey, ladies and gentlemen,
this is Captain Nick speaking. At this point, I imagine
(14:12):
you are all engaged in all but I'm here to
tell you stop. Have a good day. Thanks you kid?
Do you know? Do you know skill? Do your kids
need me to get you anything? Cocktail? Oh I brought tears? Okay, great,
(14:35):
what do you got said? Sorry about that, pal, I
didn't realize this was Captain Knick's flight. Uh okay, I
I hit you pretty hard. I think I'm all right.
I think I'm okay. Are you still gonna be able
to do your exit road duties? My ribs are punctured.
My lungs punctured my ribs. Does that make sense? No? No,
(14:56):
how does that happen? I think my my long punctured
my ribs. There seems to be a lot of lungs
going into my ribs right now. I'll call ahead so
so an ambulance can meet us in Cincinnati. Then just
lay back and relax, pal first class like this. Maybe
I should take the windows seat in the excitent row
(15:17):
because I don't know if you'll be able to do it.
Of course, I'll do whatever I need to do. This
is my dudey, I'll do it. Ladies and gentlemen, Now
that everything is calm down, I'm gonna let you win
a little surprise, a little treat your old boy. Captain
Nick here knows a good tire guy in Cincinnati. He's
(15:40):
the entire king of Cincinnati. And I have cards on
your way out if you want to pick one up.
What's their slogan? Uh? I can hear you. I can
hear you. The slogan is, uh shit, I got this.
I got this. Capt Nick Good. The slogan in is
kick as tire. No. I don't think that was a skill.
(16:03):
And I don't mean to something about the fact that
if you don't have tires you need them. Oh, I
don't remember either. I better go to Kevin Service. It was, yeah,
you're cute, wonderful. What the hell do you mean. I
can't get on the plane. It's still on the tarmact
it hasn't left. I need an I D. I don't
(16:23):
know how many times I gotta tell you, sir, need
an I D. I'm gonna close these doors in seconds. Okay, okay, okay,
hold on, here we go. Look check this out. Huh
library card fantastic. Stilllympus has fallen right. Paging Gerard Butler.
Paging Gerard. But that's me, that's me. Where do I
go after? Where do I go? Actor? They said the actors,
but that was secondary, so that might be someone's name
(16:45):
is the actor? They were talking to me George Butler? First, okay,
where do I go to? People? And one of them
was just the name the actor. I don't know. It's
a goddamn international airport. All right, paging passenger Gerard Butler.
Also paging passenger the actor. Okay, there you go. You
see do you see what I'm saying? Where where do
(17:05):
I go? Where do I go? You go to a
white phone? Okay? Oh great, so we're I just gotta
hunt for that, Jesus great with a treasure map. The
hell is this? Alright? There's no white phone back there?
I see a white phone back there. Just let me
pick it up. Okay, Hello, hello, Hello, this is captain Nick. Hello,
this is Gerard Butler. Whoa the actor? Uh? No, I'm
(17:28):
not the actor. Okay, thank god, you were saying. I
was told a page. All right, what's the issue. But
there's some kind of page of some kind of loose
pages in a book. Pritty good sir? Might I use
that courtesy phone? No, I was paged, sir, Thank you
very much. Sir, was paged. I'm the actor. Oh you're
(17:51):
the actor. I'm Gerard Butler. All right, No, no, I'm
not the actor. No right, I'm not. Are you there
with Are you there with the actor? Yes? Put them
on you. Look they want to talk to you. Make
a quick good day, sir, the actor. It's captain nick
(18:12):
you ow, don't think I've forgotten. Uh well, I'm doing
an equity job in Cincinnati. Uh okay, can we just
go back to one al right? Actor? Actor? Actor? Yeah, alright,
I love what you're doing, love it all the U
the Yeah, I love it, very very good stuff here.
(18:35):
Uh the some of the choices though, I'm not really
getting I don't know why you have to turn into
a dog at some point. Yep, there you go. Uh
so just kind of just you know, why don't we
take a twenty well, why don't we take a twenty hour? Sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Producer here, can I speak to
you director? Yeah? Yes, of course the twenty hour breaks.
Do you have this this production under control? Of course
(18:57):
I do. I'm the director. Are you talking about Well,
i'm producer. It's important to me that I know everything's going. Okay.
Get your hands out of the goddamn process. You're the money,
that's all you got, That's all you are. I asked
for creative control when I joined onto this fucking film,
and I said yeah, but I didn't mean my my
fucking tozies were crossed. I got executive producer breeding down
(19:17):
my back. Man. Well then you talk to him. That's
not my problem. Where's actor actors on twenty her break?
Jesus Christ, producer and executive producer here, director, why don't
you take a five days done? Thank you? Producer? EP?
(19:41):
You can, you should, and I'd like to replace the director. Okay,
I think the actor is ready to step up and
also be the director. Let's call him in please. I
think he's I got to use that white phone right there.
Part of me I know this is the actor actor. Hey,
(20:01):
producer here? Yes, hellosa Hi. Oh it's nice to hear yours. Um,
now we understand you were just you're taking to twenties?
That correct? Yes, I met the airport now ship. Don't
give me a twity. I'm gonna take advantage of it.
I'm flying to Cincinnati if I'm an audition, an audition.
(20:22):
But you're not even done with this project. Look, the
only thing that matters to an actor is the next job.
Very well, I booked this one already. Wow. Wow, okay, um,
well EP is here. You want to say something to you? Yes?
Please put them on? Is this the this is the
(20:43):
if I may call you that call me listen the um.
It would behoove everyone if you would not get on
that flight. Come back to the production. We'd like you
to direct the film. And when I say we, I
mean me so I the actor will also be the director,
but not the narrator. No, no, really, who did your book?
(21:06):
Who did you book? James Heeney Heeny? Reasonable choice, we
like to think, so all right, Yeah, I have a
little tape of him now during the opening scene, if
you'd like to hear it as the director. Okay, here
we go, opening st James Heeny, Take four Patrick, A
long long time ago, in a relatively closer space than
(21:29):
you'd expect, there was a man and this man grew
from a little boy became a young adult. Is he
doing an accident? Can you turn that audiobook down? All
right's a long flight. I can't turn it down. There's
no volume. Okay, Well, then put some headphones on, all right,
I don't have headphones. I'm not a millionaire. Jesus, you
(21:50):
don't have to be a millionaire. You can be a billionaire.
You can put headphones on if you don't like it,
or maybe maybe sir, you could learn something. Oh well,
I've plugged my ear holes up, thank you very much.
So I can't do that, Oh you plugged your ear
holds up, well, then it shouldn't be bothering you. It
is okay, it wasn't a good job. I botched it,
all right, Your guys argument in front of me? Um,
(22:14):
have you heard of books with words that you just
read in your own head? What's that? We'll check this out.
It's got pages. So instead of using an audience, is
that a sandwich? Is that a horrible sandwich? What kind
of sandwich is that? It's not a sandwich? This is
a book. It's literally share that sandwich. It's the whole
(22:37):
plane group one here. I can claim any sandwich to anybody.
We're all group one, asshole and that scene one scene one. J. G.
Ballard would be very happy with what we did, so
extraordinarily pleased. We got to the bottom of Nick oh Man.
(22:59):
Did we we proved a consistency or lack there? Up?
Never to Nichols who wrote Alchemy? This gets a movie deal?
Does it take off? Or crash and burn? Keep up
the comedy? Gold Craig, excuse me, ep e E D
(23:23):
E D. I don't know I have a name, Okay.
Linda gold Schmidt, uh Linda ms Mrs uh Gold Schmidt. Uh.
I was looking over the some some of the uh,
some of the request for some of the actors, and
I just want to make sure that I clear with
(23:44):
you before I go ahead, and you're wasting my time.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I saw some of the so
we have Mr Pollock obviously. He wanted just you know,
for a fresh cold brew in a fruit platter for
that great Chris Alvarado. He wanted some new slide custom
fit Ka Kaki pleaded for uh. Mr yes for Craig
(24:07):
Kolowski Kamowski. I'm not sure if I'm saying that correctly.
He wanted a two friendship bulldogs, so we had we
could just find those. Uh for oh my god, so
hot in here? Are you? Are you okay? Are you hot?
Or don't take your shirt off in front of me? Sorry? Sorry,
I'm sorry. I put your shirt back on. I'm sorry.
(24:29):
I'm sorry. Here here okay? And I'm a very married
woman as mrs. And uh for Joey I, Oh, he
wanted a new Samsung flip phone. UH. And he requested
uh the agents phone numbers, the several agents phone numbers,
and UH said, okay, or why is it? What? Wait?
(24:52):
What what about the phone numbers? I don't know. That
was just part of the request. I just wanted to
go to sever His request is several agents phone numbers. Yes,
I don't. I don't think he has an agent. So
I think he just wants these cold calleag people during
the filming and it's we're not gonna no, no, that's
a no. Okay, So yes, on the flip floone, flip
flip floone? What's wrong with you? Is it hot? Is
(25:14):
it hot here? It's not hot any here? Okay? Sorry? Sorry,
I thought involuntary. I was involuntary. I have Vanessa Rigland. Uh.
She wanted a homemade's in she's in this to me,
supporting role, supporting role, very very light, very light. She
wanted a crystal homemade of crystals. She's just one of
(25:35):
the homemade of crystals. And that's no problem on that.
So that's no problem okay. And then um uh the
last one here, Oh my god, oh my god, did
you just piss my floor? I am so that was
involved hot? Are you hot? What is going on? Not hot?
You're going to have to drink your piss? Yes, yes,
(25:58):
Mrs Man. Yeah, I think i'd have a carpet. Hey, James, Man,
that's a cool trailer. Thank you. I don't know if
I don't know if you noticed, but I'm wearing some
new pants, pantalones. Those are nice. Why do they have
a big crease up the front. Oh that's called the
polat my man, I'm bringing it back. So man, I
(26:20):
don't know about you, but I've been trying to rest
and Craigs bulldogs keep barking. Man, I haven't heard them.
I got this soundproof trailer. Oh is that is that
behind you? I'm sorry closed the door behind you? Oh?
Sorry about that. Just listen. Do you hear that? M
(26:41):
it's fucking silence Chris. No French bulldogs, no nothing. It's
like an isolation tank, but it's a trailer. Hold on coffee.
No French bulldogs, No Joey career. He's inside. Once he's
in here, I can't silence him. But still, I see
what you're doing. You asked for the one thing maybe
(27:02):
we all should have asked for, which is a break
from each other. Well, I sure ship didn't want some
pleated pants. I could. Yeah, I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. No, no, no,
you're making me. You're right. I'm such a yes guy.
You know. Oh, whatever you want to do when I
take craigs dogs out for walks all the time, you do?
You know? I I get Joey my agent's phone number. Dude,
(27:24):
you did, Yeah, but like Bridge, you requested one thing
that will shut everybody else out. This is my little
sanctuary when I were on set filming, just a little
place to go with escape. Is that incentense I smell? Yeah,
it's not chompa. Oh, not chompa. That's that o G ship.
(27:46):
Well yeah, hey, guys, open up. It's make Graig Atkowski.
That's what I sound like. It's cannon. Uh. If you
don't say anything, it's also soundproof. On the outside, he
won't know that we're in here. Guys, open up, and
somebody to walk my dogs. Shit, you can't hear it.
I can't hear why we can hear him. It's it's
just keep your voice down. I think, hold on here,
(28:08):
let me test it out. Hey, Craig, you're a fucking chump.
Nobody really likes you. You're only here because Kevin think
you're okay. I think I think something might be wrong
with it because if this great, Hey, Craig, whyt to
go funk yourself? And you know what, I kiss both
your dogs on the mouth, Chris, Chris, if we can
hear him, it's all right, I heard all that. That
(28:30):
open the door, Craig. Sorry, we're doing uh we were playing. Um,
why don't you come inside? This is a soundproof trailer, Craig,
are you okay? You're like crying into the crafty. We
all want to we all want to eat that. So
(28:51):
I don't want you. I don't want you to cry,
but I especially don't want you to cry on the
cream cheese. I'm sorry. They shouldn't leave out so many nuts. Uh. Look,
I just found out what Chris Alvarado really thinks would be.
What is he thinking? It thinks I'm a chump? Oh,
you just found out. Really, you know this. I did
(29:15):
have a suspicion. But Craig, I I'm not in the
movie very much. Can we make it about me for
a second. Can you stop crying? And can we make
it about me for a second. Well, you you've got
two good scenes, but every other scene at the top
it says Vanessa is not in this scene. Yeah, it's
a good part of the dialogue to God, damn it,
(29:36):
you look. Just make it happen. Okay, yes, I'm gonna
give a I'm gonna sign. You don't have an agent, Joey,
you can just turn it down a fucking not. I'm sorry.
I was just I was actually just talking to my agent.
I think you're talking to a book on tape. Craig,
I think you're freaking idiot, and everyone thinks that Greg
(29:58):
you do nodded on the locks. Jesus, what a bagel
spread pull sucking together? Man, all right, I can't have this.
I can't have this energy right before I go shoot
with scores is easy? Okay, I cannot have this. I
cannot have this. Excuse me, what you're working with scores? Yes, yeah,
(30:21):
I am okay, my Asian hooked it up. Okay, there's
capers on these salmon. I'm sorry, p A, Hello, what
I'm just having? What capers and salmon? I'm sorry? Yeah,
this is the actors crafty. You see that bullish ship
over there in the corner on the floor, Yeah, that's yours. Okay,
(30:41):
have at it now. It's sucking nuts. It's just like
I'm on the lamb with this guy. He's like sending
me all these different like scraps. I gotta read. Buddy,
you're on the lamb with running away. It doesn't know. Hey, buddy,
stop eating our guddamn food. Alright, I'm not eating that
bullshit the floor. I'm not doing this is our god
(31:04):
all right, huh, this is our goddamn table. It's for actors. Hey, Joey, Hey, man,
it's your agent. U. Hey, did you get your teeth
fixed or not? No? No, no, it's kind of what
I'm calling about. Man, I cannot what Glenn Beck's and
Rince open that. Listen, you and I are officially on
(31:32):
the lamb. Good those guys. Yeah, when those guys kick
my fucking teeth, they say, get the funk out of
the studio city, and that means you and me ball
good good, good things are good. How often I'm not
doing that? Okay, you need the flospher often, get the
funk out of there. There, it's like teeth out, Put
me on the put me on the phone with the doctor. Yeah,
(31:52):
there you go. Take this. Yes, hey, my agent is
not going to floss. All right, Well, clearly he's not
gonna floss. Yeah, he's like of f us right, really
advanced gum disease A figure it out. Okay, Okay, it's
it's reversible, but you need to put some work in. Okay, Well,
then put some working buddy. All right, I'm saying. I'm
(32:12):
saying that he has to put some work in at home. Look, man,
he's put in working with me, with me. Okay, who
are you again? You know who I am? You heard
my voice? All right? You know who I am? All right,
you know I'm not Gerard Butler, but you know who
I am? The actor? Yeah? Well no, yes, I did
just put my age back on. Okay, I did want
to talk to you anyway. Look, with the most important
(32:34):
years that you and I are officially on the lamb.
All right, I'm here. Good news, y'all. Good news, y'all
officially booked. Did hey, stop eating the goddamn food on
the table, man, I'm not eating the bowl of shit
over there, some of those capers that came out of
my nose. What you guys, I think I'm just gonna walk.
(32:56):
I think I'm gonna do some walk in two scenes
and just we're going to roll with it because we're
used to improvising, and I'm just gonna I feel like
if I'm on set, I'm just gonna walk in, but
you're not on the call sheet. I hate you so much.
All Right, hey, everybody, I'm glad you're all here. Um see,
I'm here with James and Kevin obviously. So now that
we are here, what's getting ready for the big shoot day?
(33:17):
I was thinking, um, we should probably clear the air
before we get started because I want this to be
a nice, pure experience for all of us. Okay, yeah,
let's get it all out there. Good good, Um, listen,
I said some things about Craig that I meant but
I regret saying. And so that's done. You know, that's
that's out there. That's why Why do you regret it?
If you meant it, I regret that he heard it
(33:37):
because I'm kind of a coward that way. Fair, fair assessment. Alright, accepted,
Thank you, Thank you. No. I just think, James, I
think maybe you might want to say some things about
why your request was to shut us out, you know,
before we get started here. Well, Vanessa's not shooting today,
but before we get started today, if you guys need me,
(33:57):
I'm available always great to James. Well, the reason I
shut you guys out is like, I want when we're
together to be electric and if I'm with you guys
all the time, it's just boring. So I keep myself
at my trailer so that there's electricity and chemistry and
(34:21):
for God's sake, alchemy when we get together. Let's see
what you did there. I don't know that we can
argue with that. Once again, James has brought us back
to where I'm guys. I'm sorry. I know I'm not
technically a call sheep, but I am. You know I'm here. Um.
I just noticed that there's a body double for all
my scenes. H yeah, but it's all just us, you know,
(34:48):
at the coffee shop, and so I just don't know
why there has to be a body double for all
my Listen. I didn't want to do this, but I'm
gonna throw Vanessa under the bus, Kevin. She plans on
jumping into these two these scenes doing walking impressions. I
heard her say she was gonna do a bunch of
walking and that's your thing, and I just feel like
she's trying to sabotage the movie. I appreciate that, James,
and I'd like everyone to take notice that what James
(35:11):
has done is stab Vanessa in the face and not
my body, double my face. I'm sorry, don't you call me?
Hi's here? Hey? How are you na good? Venis not
much older in real life. You have to go, you
have to go. No, she can't. She's see in the
(35:32):
scene we're talking about. She's in the scene today. Well
in all the scenes. He listen to her Australian accent. Vanessa,
you're gonna love it. Lay it down, Venete two kids
a parrot immacular was really good. Also, okay, I better
wow joey Um, Why don't you show everybody how good
(35:53):
of a kisser you are? James, come here, do it?
Freak boy? How about just the James come here? Oh?
I just don't know if I'm wrong here? Okay? Who
those two dogs dead over there? Oh? God? Though I
(36:14):
was I was breeding that. Um Mrs a gold Gold
gold flush we have. My name is Linda gold, Schmidt
told Schmidt, ma'am mrs Mrs Um. I'm sorry to bother
you just want to there's some problems set there seems
to be uh, some some hiccups. What is wrong with you?
(36:37):
What is your role? What are you here for? What
are you trying to tell me, how would you have
me to answer that? Would we answer that in order?
Or my role is I am your assistant. I am
here uh to let you know what's going on on set.
And my role is not me me meator. Okay, it's involuntary.
I'm sorry, I so, I I so what So what's
(36:59):
happening is Craig's dogs have past and he's sewn them
together to make one big dog and he's carrying it
around every scene and on setting everyone, making everyone pettit.
James James has taken on the role of detective for
some reason, and he seems to be narking on everybody.
And yeah, I don't understand there's no detective in the picture.
I know, I know, I know. Uh. And probably the
(37:22):
biggest hiccup is that the Vanessa has um well she
she killed her standing and so there there's there's we
need to fix that. Help that we're gonna have to
go on the Lamb. This whole production is going on
the Lamb's get the word out. Let everybody know, put
it in the walks. This production is on the Lamb,
and we're moving. Okay, okay, okay, noted, take your pants off? Yes, yes, okay,
(37:48):
that's a company move. Everybody company moved. Bullshit, I just
shut this up. Alright, we're now all officially on the lamb.
That means no more communicado with your family member zos. Okay,
wait on a twenty hours. We are we are officially
on a twenty now. I always thought the lamb was
(38:09):
pregnant and seen too. You always thought on the lamb
meant with child phrase for like with child on the lamb,
isn't it? Is it? Nope? Nope, it's because Jesus Christ
is the Lamb of God. Okay, keep talking. Yeah, thank you.
(38:33):
By the way, I forgot to mention to my fellow alchemists,
thank you so much for the wonderful Passover wishes. It
was much appreciated. I forgot. Oh yeah, yeah for you,
yeah yeah, it's a very big day. And there he
is alive in the stories of your people. You know
that you are Jewish and it's a beautiful heritage. Yeah,
(38:58):
thank you for that for ne welcome. I love pass
It is pretty great. And Egyptians died. Now, I don't
know a lot about any religion, but was pass Over
like a self isolation kind of thing? Weren't they? Like
keeping to themselves or something very good. James, it is
very good. We were staying indoors and we put the
(39:19):
blood of the lamb, bringing it all back on the door,
so the full circa blood on the and sing. I
will say for the record on the lamb lamb it
just spelled l A M. It's true, got nothing to
do with the animal, James, feel better or worse? Worse?
(39:40):
Now I get to know what the acronym is. What
does LAMB stand for? Joey, No, it's not. It's not
a word, So what the hell does it mean? Alright?
It sound sound? We gotta we got to move. If
the listeners wants to google before James has a chance
and send us the deaf and it's your name here
(40:01):
at alchemy there dot com. See three comes to us
from Martin who wrote, Dear Alchemists, thanks so very much
for all the laughs. Nothing makes me laugh harder than
carrying jokes from the first scene all the way to
the last. Here is my scene suggestion. In an alternate universe,
(40:22):
what if Jesus Christ was just the best magician and
illusionists of his time. J C goes around making miracles
with the help of his disciples. Sleight of hand turns
blood into wine, multiplying the fish, walking on the water, etcetera. Judas,
(40:42):
as always, of course, is the disciple who ruins the
illusion by giving away the trick. Thanks a million Martin
from Canada. Okay, uh, who who's next? I am? I am?
I am, yes, yes, Jesus, I am. I'm very sick,
very very sick. And describe your symptoms if you would
(41:04):
pay my My lungs are piercing my ribs and I
don't know what to do. I can't work it. It's
hard to breathe. Rib lungs is one of my specialties.
What I'm going to do, watch my hand. Okay, I'm
gonna place them here. Place this one up here. Okay,
(41:30):
you've got to just close your eyes and trust me.
And this is a rabbit. Oh my god, hold hold
the right out of that well. I feel better. You're welcome.
Oh my gosh, I feel better, my child, You're welcome.
I feel so much better. Thank you, thank you, thank you,
(41:50):
thank you so much. Just just say thank you, thank
you so much. Thank my fate. If you wanted to
plan something bleeding, yes, sir, how can I help my family?
What they're very hungry, and all we have is this
one loaf of bread. And how many in your family? Four?
(42:11):
Just four? Huh, Well there's me and then four others,
and we have a dog that if we could do
something about the dog, that would be cool, but definitely secondary.
Wish we just have this one of bread. You have
one loaf of bread. This one would like to feed
a family of five and a canine if possible. This
(42:33):
can it's not mandatory. Turn around three times and say
I believe, I believe, I believe, No, no, just I
believe once. Yeay. Sorry, I'm sorry. There's a really big
line out there. Yeah, get back in line, sir. But
(42:54):
I still have this loaf of bread. What hell do
you mean you you waited there with the loaf of
bread to get it? What for him to magically breaking
up and make more bread? That was only one goddamn
load for bread, dude to stay at that. I don't know.
He starts miracles, I see him. Sometimes he posts rabbits
out of asses. Sometimes it's probably bread. Oh my god,
(43:14):
you can look at this. You get the kids both
that we don't have any goddamn bread because you wanted
to go over there and see the show. Uh, it
wasn't just seeing the show. I thought that he would
give us bread for everybody. We had a loaf of bread.
We had a huge loave of bread. We still have
the huge loaf of bread. Oh really, but you dropped
(43:35):
it on the ground and kicked it, and then a
whole bunch of people in lives that are ripping at it.
So what we got, I'll just little pieces of bread? Yes, sweetheart,
let's talk away from the children really quick. Oh why
so they can't hear you? Lies? Is that right? So
I'm the bad guy again. No not, they're hearing it. Sweetheart. Listen,
let me just whisper it. Maybe we should the dog.
(43:56):
Oh you want to eat the kids? Give me for
a second, what is it, mama? Your dad wants to
eat Moses? Is it that fun? Huh? Kids from today?
You want to know where the bread is? Huh? Yeahs oh, Corina,
(44:18):
you want to know where the bread is? Well, let
me tell you all right, it's on the floor, all right.
Your father decided to use that as a ticket Brice
to go off. There's no bread. We're probably gonna starve
and die, so just so you know, but we do
have this dog that we could eat. I'm gonna eat
(44:42):
the damn dog, all right. You better get out there,
and you betterfied. It's a frend's toast. Okay, yeah, Hi,
I'm next in line. Okay. The kind of miracle you're
looking for? Um, what kind of a miracle am I
(45:05):
looking for? I'm looking for somebody who it's pretending not
to be a piece of ship to come clean and
tell everybody that he is a piece of ship. I'm sorry.
Has have centurions been allowed to go in or not?
I don't know. I'm in group one, I understand it.
But centurions been allowed to go in or no? Centurions
have not gone in yet? Okay I'm not a centurion. No,
(45:28):
I'm a citizen, but I just haven't, sir. I'm so sorry.
Sorry regarding your miracle, sir, with this No, no, no,
you didn't ask for a miracle. You asked if centurions
have been allowed to go in? Here? Are you talking
to me? I'm not talking to you. You're looking at
me because you're demanding my attention in an uncomfortable way. Well,
(45:48):
I'm roman, I can see that from the outfit. To
slide right past you too, Hi there, Jesus Christ, is it? Yes,
you may call me Jesus. Hey Jesus. Yeah, my my
arm hurts. Can you fix that thing for me? Please?
Your arm hurts? Yeah, that's right. Well, you know as
a jewelshit healer. Bull. Sorry, I'm sorry, but you just
(46:15):
I just brought you into a motherfucking magic off. Do
you know who I am? Judas? That's right, Judas. I
can't believe you would do shit. Damn alright, somebody, somebody
who's really sick. Step up here, you, sir. You look
weird as I feel free. I feel fine. What's what?
What's this? Break? Is fast moving around? Huh? Next? That
(46:43):
is impressive. Next, go ahead, j C take this one. Okay,
what is your affliction? Well? Do you think that motherfucker
look at me consuming too much of the wine? No,
that's not correct. Forgets again? Okay, um, lack of hygiene?
(47:05):
Well might be do stem from that? I have a protrusion?
Oh look at that? Yeah, it's bugging me? Is that
coming from inside Paris? To be coming from inside my vessel?
So I'm on need to I saw some other healers
and they were stumped. But I guess you could take
(47:28):
a crack at it. It would feel good to get
this thing off. Can I get can I? Okay? I
want you to close your eyes. I did have leprodsly recently,
but I'm recovered. I do very well with the lepers.
Big big fan. While he's doing this, I need everybody
else in the house to start asking yourself some questions.
(47:48):
Do you want to follow a man like that? A
guy who does parlor tricks? Ask yourself this question? Man
who gets it? And one up here talk like a
little dog. You just say the choice you've made. Oh sorry,
(48:09):
I was out loud the whole time. Erro estes omiano.
Break it up and break it the hell up. Oh shit,
I'm punch just pilot. You know who I am. Don't
call me Pepe, everybody it's peep. Don't call me. Don't
call me, don't call me. All right, Crucify everybody here,
(48:34):
Crucify everything. You can crucify yourself, and you can suck
my boil while you're at it. All right, you know what,
Just crucify that one. I'm not sure if it deman
or a woman. Crucify it right now. We're gonna find out.
You're telling me to crucify that one. Yeah, I'm telling
you we're not like that, We're not good like that.
(48:55):
And who are you to give out any orders? Can
you please get the allow of this area? Are you?
This is peeing me? Oh? All right, I am seriously
I cut you know what, I don't even I'm about
to make you much smaller than you were when you
first arrived, smaller, smaller. He's just getting further away. I'm
(49:20):
gonna make you bigger, bigger, bigger, more, quiet, louder, quick, quiet.
I don't want to interrupt it. A caesar, A caesar, Caesar, Yes,
so what's easy? Season? A seeson, A seesar. That seems
(49:40):
to be something wrong with the Jews, with the jeers. Yes,
that seems to be a public uprising, a public aporizing.
Come on, listen, not to beat around the bush. Tell
me what's happening. That is a the is the thing
(50:00):
up with a guy and he's doing this thing and
let's making people. Couldn't a specificity? Come on? Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
So from what I heard, okay, from what I heard,
that is that there's a man as Judas and has
at doing these things that I'm making people get the
(50:22):
big and the people can't craze crazy and uh, and
then there was this uh, I don't know how to
say this. There was this uh talking Latin. If you
want no, no, I want to practice I want okay, okay,
I want to practice it. This linguis okay, okay, okay,
okay okay. So uh, Judas had done this. Uh knock knock, Mary, Mary,
(50:49):
are you in there? Hey, it's me Judas. Hey Judas,
I didn't expect you to come by my heart today
at the door. No, that who's that, Joseph? Who's that?
Is that? Joseph? It's Joseph. I'm in the bathroom. Joe.
Just shut up for a second. I'm just talking to
(51:09):
Judas is just stopping by. Yeah, I'm gonna put it
on my head, Rocks and just zone up. Look, your
son is acting now. He's he's he's acting like a
real piece of ship, Jim Jesus. Oh. Oh, he's usually
so good. He's not. He's not right now. And and
(51:32):
I don't want to tell you why he's acting the
way he is, but I'm assuming it's because of who
his dad is. Because you you are great, Mary, Everyone
loves you. Thank you, sweetie. Do you dates? Oh please,
I'm not gonna I can't take your dates. You can
take I haven't. I've got more than enough. I'll take
a date. Okay, it's a date. God uh so, um
(51:58):
Jesus yeah, actually a real piece of shit. M hmmm.
And I'm wondering. You know, you're his mom, if maybe
what do you maybe? If you want to buy the bread,
you're gonna have to pay me. Well, I don't have
any money, so it's thinking maybe I could help with
duties around the shop. Well, half forties are in the shop. Look,
how therty you are? You're coming in here. I want
(52:20):
to work at my fucking bread station. It's just I
think he's offering you a blowjob. You think, Oh wait,
that wasn't exactly what I was offering. Well, well, well
look everything's finally we are align on it. Papa. Just
get us the bread? How hard it? Okay? Okay, they're
just probably something else we could do. Just do it
(52:42):
all right. Just give the guy what he needs, sweetheart,
Please just let me do the negotiating. I'm quite the businessman. Honestly,
the guy wants a blowjob. It seems like I hate
to get involved in the family mother brother. It seems
like if you just gives like our blowsop, he'll give
you bread. Well, I mean negotiation were with he asked
what he wants, I give it a thing, and then
we find a medium in the middle. What if I
(53:04):
give you my dog for some bread the dog. There's
a lot of us in line here. They would like
a chance at that man's knob in order to get
a loaf. So suck it or move on. Yeah, that's
what I'm saying. I'm with that guy, move on, move on?
(53:29):
Do it? Where do I do this? Just right here? Yes?
I just maybe we could come with my come with
Maybe we're gonna go somewhere. Come on, Okay, this place is.
I don't like to do this without getting the know
the bloke before it goes down. Say again, I don't
like to do this until I'll get to know the
(53:53):
bloke before it goes down. Okay, Well, I'd really rather
keep it more of a business relation and ship, Mike,
Now one does business with people? Fight down? Now? Okay,
Well I'm sagittious. Could see three and any better? No, No,
(54:20):
it couldn't. That is our show for today. Let's thank
all of our alchemists in no particular order. Veniche, thank you, John,
thanks for loving me. Play it yes and please come
back a sap. I'll be right here trap hell Okay,
(54:44):
well we're coming for you. And much love to you
and your completely and utterly lovely family. Thanks, extreme health
to you all please. Craig Atkowski, much health to you
and Carla and the three kids. Yeah. We we don't
know who they are or where they are, but they're
out there somewhere. I don't know if anyone knows this
(55:05):
about me and the Kis, but I'm convinced they have children.
That makes sense. Yeah, to see us with it each
children ever ever? Yeah, but Koski on Twitter, just find
out what's going on in my life. Love to will do.
Chris Alvarado, Thank you for having me. I like doing this.
(55:29):
Appreciate your honesty and directness. James Heeney, thanks for having
me here. Uh Spare Supply has a show every single
Wednesday at seven pm Pacific Standard time on Twitch at
twitch dot tv. Forward Slash west Side Comedy Theater, Thank you,
(55:49):
Thank you for that. Joseph of Kria, Yes, you know
I want to say, get on due lingo right language,
you know, get on it can you recommend any particular language.
I'm learning Latin right now. You're learning Latin right now. Huh.
Let's see, how do I say? Uh? See alchemy this?
(56:13):
It's just alchemy this. But noman s Peter, My name
is Peter. Peter. Olivia dormi dormant. Olivia sleeps at home.
Feminina non dormant. Can we not talk too? We are dormant.
(56:33):
The woman doesn't sleep, but the man sleeps. So when
you said learn a language, you meant right now, Yeah,
I sit learn a dead one. It's not spoken. It's
not utilizing everything criticized. It really is. You know you
don't know, you don't. I love you all madly and
wish you all extreme health. Let's thank our wonderful producer
(56:56):
and engineer to the stars, Mr Doug Bain, and all
of you, thank you so much for sticking with us,
and stay healthy and and follow the damn orders and
rules and regulations that you're being instructed by your governors,
at least the smart ones, and they're still like ten
(57:18):
nine holdout governors. Who was eight Indiana's fucking world was
right now? Oh buddy, Well, bless you all and be
safe and until next time, remember we love you and
(58:02):
be a football
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy Day. It's COVID edition.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes, that Kevin pollockle Oh gosh,
I don't know. Maybe we'll learn to care more about
personal hygiene when we when we go out. Maybe we'll
never complish means without covering our mouths ever again, Maybe
(00:22):
we'll give an actual funk about one another on a
daily basis. Yeah, maybe, but I digress. Let's meet our alchemy,
shall we? No particular order to say hello to Chris Ovarado?
See your man Ray? Do you see a silver lining
possibly peeking through? Yeah? Right, of course. If not, I'd
(00:46):
be dead. Yes, I do. Ah and Genius was his name? Oh, James,
you're recording the videos that right? I actually second it
is videos. Okay, Chris, you have the option to hold
(01:06):
that photo of again at anytime. Get those mules back
from sister Sarah. It's Craig Kakoski kakaw. What did Lincoln
allegedly say shortly before he was assassinated. I've heard this
is good. Um, I I yelped it, um, yelped it.
(01:27):
I'm gonna I'm gonna pinch one off before before we
watch this, Uh Mary, when the guy comes around, get
me a coke and a bag of salted peanuts. C
and D were correct, the first two not so much.
Uh hold the damn door for the return of founding
member Vanessa Ragler Venete, which quarantine meal has surprised you? Um?
(01:59):
Floor food? Did you see food? I believe yeah, you'll
find yourself finding food on the floor that usually you
would take to the trash, but these days might as well. Right,
the five second rule has become a minute forty I
think just whenever you find it. The clock doesn't start
until you've looked at it. Venicia, We've got so many emails,
(02:22):
just so you know from our wonderful listeners. Uh load
these many weeks without you and man oh man is
there's never ending love for you here and out there,
So welcome back and apologies of course for the auspices.
Quiet Larry James Heeny's here, Jimmy James Smith's to your understanding.
(02:45):
Can of two can talk? Uh? Is it two can apparent? Parent?
Is it two key? And a parent on Australian accent?
First of all, first of all, I don't think two
(03:06):
can talk? Toucan toucan? Is is just a two can.
It's a it's a question a parent um Your answered
though through through the mush is correct. Two can cannot
talk only the one representing was it fruit loops, which
(03:28):
was a two can on? Yeah? Yeah, that that two
can tough to shut that two can up, but not
the actual ones in the wilderney for their money, Jane,
I guess purd is my word to bring me to
(03:49):
my exit. Yep. And and last, but may the fireflies
you catch need new bulbs if you think at least
it's Joey Greer, Oh jam Joe, why won't you tell
the folks what you will be doing later? It's a
secret project. I'm working with the n s A and
NASA and so n s A and then the other
(04:11):
one that where you add an A between the end
and the S. So it's a pretty big deal. I
don't want to get involved with it, but it does
have to do with the birds, so that's what I
want to saying. I also want to know I'm making note.
No one else could see this, but James had a
giant pot of coffee that he was pouring into his coffee.
(04:32):
Hold it up one more times, Hold it up one
more time. Just a ship. That's the cup with your
with I believe your face on it. Whoa, that is
a sizeable French press? Is that you do? You drink
that whole thing? This is my I just started it,
but it is my second. No. No, have you been
(04:52):
up since five am? No? I got up at eight.
Well now you're just bragging, dude, that's crazy and unhelped.
I hope, I hope. It's a long time before this
is relevant. But I'd love to see your autopsy. You
know what. I'm one of the healthiest people I know.
Coffee is like a miracle elixir. Here's to it. Let's
(05:17):
do a damn show, shall we? First, though, a message
from Patreon v i P member Mike del Rosso, who
just bumped his contribution from five dollars to ten dollars.
What the hell doubling down on our insanity? I thanked
him via the Patreon messaging and then this is what
he wrote. Back until three years ago, I shift at restaurants.
(05:41):
I still work with food, but now at a major
healthcare provider. If this pandemic had happened, then I would
would have been homeless. I feel very lucky to be
where I am now. You and your crazy crew of
mischiefs helped to keep a bit of normalcy in this
batship doomsday scenario, and extra five dollars is the least
I can do to show some appreciations. Silver Lining the
(06:04):
phone delays from the new Skype sessions at a nice
layer of bad timing to comedy you're doing. He's assuming
we're on Skype. I guess I'll let him know we're
also not on Discord. Seriously, last Tuesday I almost fell
in the shower laughing when Joey's Internet connection started to
bog down. Fucking priceless. Much love and respect to you
(06:27):
and the team. Stay healthy, be smart, Mike. Well, thank
you Mike for that and for all of it. All
of our scene suggestions are from other patron v i
P members or our listener emails. If you'd like to
submit yours via listener email, please all right to the
podcast at your name here at Alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at Alchemy. Thanks Joey. See Number
(06:53):
one comes from Jans, who wrote, I love the show.
I've been waiting for a worthy suggestion to email. I
overheard this while boarding a plane. Oh gosh, I remember
we were allowed to fly. It's like I always say,
this is what he overheard. It's like I always say
Nick is consistent and he's charming, but he is not
(07:15):
consistently charming end quote. This statement what's hugely interesting to me,
and I wanted to know what Nick's life is like
that he's so charming and so consistent, but not both.
It seemed like you all might have an idea. Everyone
has cycled in and out of my favorites right now.
(07:36):
I love all interactions between Vanessa and Joey. Well. Well,
a welcome return. Thanks James from Michigan. Uh, ticket, Please
can I see your tickets? This ticket was printed up
at my printer is a little bit low and ink,
(07:57):
but you can clearly see that this is a ticket. Well,
I think we need to discuss what your definition of
the word clearly is because mine is to find utterly
and uh, I can yes, it's listen, it's it's the
type of language you use in the air. Okay, I
don't want the overhead bins to be taken. Can you
check my ticket? Oh? Yes, of course, miss I'm gonna
(08:20):
need to put this in the overhead band. I'm so
sorry to interrupt, but I have to I have to
get there before that. There's a rush for the bins.
Can I see your ticket please? Okay, sir, can you
see how well printed this is? Hersus on the phone.
It's not even it's like it's crystal clear. It's very
good resolution and sh and she didn't take part of
(08:42):
a tree to board the plane, did she? Oh? Is that? Oh?
I don't want to get in between. I don't know
if this is a lover's quarrel. I just need to
get on. I need to get my bag up. Mess.
Do you need help with the bag? Be happy to
help you with it. But you're helping me and leave.
But you're the gate agent. Yes, I better have been
allowed to board you. I'm sorry the gate sirr. The
(09:03):
gate agent is hitting on me. Active military is the veterans?
They allowed to wait? Mr veteran? The gate agent is.
I have not served? I just I just wanted to go.
You've not You've not been served? No, I haven't. I'm
thinking about doing it. So can I board? You're thinking
about signing up for the Armed forces, and therefore you
(09:24):
like early boarding. That's miss. You're cleared to board the
plan by the way, than okay, thank you so much
for the offer. I'll lift my bag myself, but I
needed this today and thank you by right on my neck.
That was fantastic. All right, Well, thank You'll see you inside, sir.
Hold on a second, Yeah, I need some I d
(09:46):
uh group group yes, yes, group one, sir. Yeah, you're
banging my way through. You're welcome to go on board.
Thank you, sir. Oh, sir, yes, please, I need a
so I need a form of I d uh. This
is my name? This is my name? Was like good
(10:10):
enough for why you're so charming and you seem you
seem like you really know what you're talking about. I mean,
I'm tempted to let you on board, but I do
need to see an I D circuit part of me,
part of me captain coming, Yes, yes, captain, thank you.
What's your name? Bud Mine? Nope, I know you. I
(10:31):
see your name tag This guy right here who's just singing,
what's your name? Nam? Yeah, I'm trying to find what
is that the actor Gerard Butler, not the actor never mind?
What's your name, sir? The one who was here first
with the oh Sam oh okay, never mind? Then thought
one of you was going to be Nick all right,
could you all my way? Then? Nope? I'm god, that's
(10:53):
my favorite pilot. Hey Sam, what now? You want to
get a drink? I gotta get on is flight? Yeah?
I mean too, you want to get a drink? I can't.
Don't need to try here? Sure if you want to
get a drink, sir? Is any way to get your
ticket on your phone instead of this faded version? I
can try? Yeah, the airline sends you an email loaded
(11:16):
from excuse me. I know you'd offered to help, you'd
offered to help earlier. Well, the monsters from Group one
did what they always do. All the overhead bands are full.
Oh no, and you'd offered to help, and all the
overhead binds are full. And I can't fit this under
my seat. I don't want to check it under the plane.
I'm sorry, Michael, I'm so sorry. Ma'am. You've left the plane.
(11:37):
You've departed the plane. You cannot re enter the plane. Oh,
this bitch, this is one of those groups. She doesn't
work for the airline. She's from Group one. Don't it's true,
but it's part of Group one. I have access to
employee confidentiality agreements and ma'am, hey, my co pilot. Good
to see you today, Bud. You know, I did my
(12:00):
favorite trick when I was walking on. I asked everybody
if their name was Nick, but obviously my name's Nick.
It's one of my favorite things to do. Remind me
of your name again. Skills Skills, Skills, Skill Skills. Where
are you from? Skills? Sat Louis, Oh yeah, oh yeah,
you know my name is Nick. They called me Captain
(12:21):
Nick around here. Oh. I think everyone's well aware of that.
Captain Nick. It's great to see you again. How's the family?
Five five five? But I'd like hearing that. Yeah, well,
it's true. There's word on the street about about Captain Nick.
You don't say yep uh. Part of the people on
the street there are saying that you're extremely charming, and
another part of the people are saying that you're consistent,
(12:41):
which I realized that. You know, it suggests that you're professional,
and I think that's called for given your Hey, um,
may I call you Mr? Nick? I don't, I'll just
call you Captain. So there's a little kerfuffle. I don't
(13:02):
want to weary you seems hold on, I don't mean
interrupts it in my lap, Please Okay, that's much better.
There's a kerfuffle, and then is that the group one
is turned on the other four groups and there's there's
not enough people on the plane. It's not heavy enough,
(13:23):
and I don't know what to do. Okay, okay, okay,
why don't I take care of this. Let's talk to
him over the sticky real quick get away. These are
my overhead bends one, damn it one, you animals, I'm
an exit rope, but please, I'm an exit rope. Please.
I'm a gold member Lifetime Achiever Level Penultimate Wizard. Okay,
(13:49):
so I'm entitled to as much overhead bend space as
I can possibly get. Well, there's more of us in
coach than there are in first class. Oh yeah, I
try it. Rise up, Coach, Rise up, Hey, ladies and gentlemen,
this is Captain Nick speaking. At this point, I imagine
(14:12):
you are all engaged in all but I'm here to
tell you stop. Have a good day. Thanks you kid?
Do you know? Do you know skill? Do your kids
need me to get you anything? Cocktail? Oh I brought tears? Okay, great,
(14:35):
what do you got said? Sorry about that, pal, I
didn't realize this was Captain Knick's flight. Uh okay, I
I hit you pretty hard. I think I'm all right.
I think I'm okay. Are you still gonna be able
to do your exit road duties? My ribs are punctured.
My lungs punctured my ribs. Does that make sense? No? No,
(14:56):
how does that happen? I think my my long punctured
my ribs. There seems to be a lot of lungs
going into my ribs right now. I'll call ahead so
so an ambulance can meet us in Cincinnati. Then just
lay back and relax, pal first class like this. Maybe
I should take the windows seat in the excitent row
(15:17):
because I don't know if you'll be able to do it.
Of course, I'll do whatever I need to do. This
is my dudey, I'll do it. Ladies and gentlemen, Now
that everything is calm down, I'm gonna let you win
a little surprise, a little treat your old boy. Captain
Nick here knows a good tire guy in Cincinnati. He's
(15:40):
the entire king of Cincinnati. And I have cards on
your way out if you want to pick one up.
What's their slogan? Uh? I can hear you. I can
hear you. The slogan is, uh shit, I got this.
I got this. Capt Nick Good. The slogan in is
kick as tire. No. I don't think that was a skill.
(16:03):
And I don't mean to something about the fact that
if you don't have tires you need them. Oh, I
don't remember either. I better go to Kevin Service. It was, yeah,
you're cute, wonderful. What the hell do you mean. I
can't get on the plane. It's still on the tarmact
it hasn't left. I need an I D. I don't
(16:23):
know how many times I gotta tell you, sir, need
an I D. I'm gonna close these doors in seconds. Okay, okay, okay,
hold on, here we go. Look check this out. Huh
library card fantastic. Stilllympus has fallen right. Paging Gerard Butler.
Paging Gerard. But that's me, that's me. Where do I
go after? Where do I go? Actor? They said the actors,
but that was secondary, so that might be someone's name
(16:45):
is the actor? They were talking to me George Butler? First, okay,
where do I go to? People? And one of them
was just the name the actor. I don't know. It's
a goddamn international airport. All right, paging passenger Gerard Butler.
Also paging passenger the actor. Okay, there you go. You
see do you see what I'm saying? Where where do
(17:05):
I go? Where do I go? You go to a
white phone? Okay? Oh great, so we're I just gotta
hunt for that, Jesus great with a treasure map. The
hell is this? Alright? There's no white phone back there?
I see a white phone back there. Just let me
pick it up. Okay, Hello, hello, Hello, this is captain Nick. Hello,
this is Gerard Butler. Whoa the actor? Uh? No, I'm
(17:28):
not the actor. Okay, thank god, you were saying. I
was told a page. All right, what's the issue. But
there's some kind of page of some kind of loose
pages in a book. Pritty good sir? Might I use
that courtesy phone? No, I was paged, sir, Thank you
very much. Sir, was paged. I'm the actor. Oh you're
(17:51):
the actor. I'm Gerard Butler. All right, No, no, I'm
not the actor. No right, I'm not. Are you there
with Are you there with the actor? Yes? Put them
on you. Look they want to talk to you. Make
a quick good day, sir, the actor. It's captain nick
(18:12):
you ow, don't think I've forgotten. Uh well, I'm doing
an equity job in Cincinnati. Uh okay, can we just
go back to one al right? Actor? Actor? Actor? Yeah, alright,
I love what you're doing, love it all the U
the Yeah, I love it, very very good stuff here.
(18:35):
Uh the some of the choices though, I'm not really
getting I don't know why you have to turn into
a dog at some point. Yep, there you go. Uh
so just kind of just you know, why don't we
take a twenty well, why don't we take a twenty hour? Sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Producer here, can I speak to
you director? Yeah? Yes, of course the twenty hour breaks.
Do you have this this production under control? Of course
(18:57):
I do. I'm the director. Are you talking about Well,
i'm producer. It's important to me that I know everything's going. Okay.
Get your hands out of the goddamn process. You're the money,
that's all you got, That's all you are. I asked
for creative control when I joined onto this fucking film,
and I said yeah, but I didn't mean my my
fucking tozies were crossed. I got executive producer breeding down
(19:17):
my back. Man. Well then you talk to him. That's
not my problem. Where's actor actors on twenty her break?
Jesus Christ, producer and executive producer here, director, why don't
you take a five days done? Thank you? Producer? EP?
(19:41):
You can, you should, and I'd like to replace the director. Okay,
I think the actor is ready to step up and
also be the director. Let's call him in please. I
think he's I got to use that white phone right there.
Part of me I know this is the actor actor. Hey,
(20:01):
producer here? Yes, hellosa Hi. Oh it's nice to hear yours. Um,
now we understand you were just you're taking to twenties?
That correct? Yes, I met the airport now ship. Don't
give me a twity. I'm gonna take advantage of it.
I'm flying to Cincinnati if I'm an audition, an audition.
(20:22):
But you're not even done with this project. Look, the
only thing that matters to an actor is the next job.
Very well, I booked this one already. Wow. Wow, okay, um,
well EP is here. You want to say something to you? Yes?
Please put them on? Is this the this is the
(20:43):
if I may call you that call me listen the um.
It would behoove everyone if you would not get on
that flight. Come back to the production. We'd like you
to direct the film. And when I say we, I
mean me so I the actor will also be the director,
but not the narrator. No, no, really, who did your book?
(21:06):
Who did you book? James Heeney Heeny? Reasonable choice, we
like to think, so all right, Yeah, I have a
little tape of him now during the opening scene, if
you'd like to hear it as the director. Okay, here
we go, opening st James Heeny, Take four Patrick, A
long long time ago, in a relatively closer space than
(21:29):
you'd expect, there was a man and this man grew
from a little boy became a young adult. Is he
doing an accident? Can you turn that audiobook down? All
right's a long flight. I can't turn it down. There's
no volume. Okay, Well, then put some headphones on, all right,
I don't have headphones. I'm not a millionaire. Jesus, you
(21:50):
don't have to be a millionaire. You can be a billionaire.
You can put headphones on if you don't like it,
or maybe maybe sir, you could learn something. Oh well,
I've plugged my ear holes up, thank you very much.
So I can't do that, Oh you plugged your ear
holds up, well, then it shouldn't be bothering you. It
is okay, it wasn't a good job. I botched it,
all right, Your guys argument in front of me? Um,
(22:14):
have you heard of books with words that you just
read in your own head? What's that? We'll check this out.
It's got pages. So instead of using an audience, is
that a sandwich? Is that a horrible sandwich? What kind
of sandwich is that? It's not a sandwich? This is
a book. It's literally share that sandwich. It's the whole
(22:37):
plane group one here. I can claim any sandwich to anybody.
We're all group one, asshole and that scene one scene one. J. G.
Ballard would be very happy with what we did, so
extraordinarily pleased. We got to the bottom of Nick oh Man.
(22:59):
Did we we proved a consistency or lack there? Up?
Never to Nichols who wrote Alchemy? This gets a movie deal?
Does it take off? Or crash and burn? Keep up
the comedy? Gold Craig, excuse me, ep e E D
(23:23):
E D. I don't know I have a name, Okay.
Linda gold Schmidt, uh Linda ms Mrs uh Gold Schmidt. Uh.
I was looking over the some some of the uh,
some of the request for some of the actors, and
I just want to make sure that I clear with
(23:44):
you before I go ahead, and you're wasting my time.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I saw some of the so
we have Mr Pollock obviously. He wanted just you know,
for a fresh cold brew in a fruit platter for
that great Chris Alvarado. He wanted some new slide custom
fit Ka Kaki pleaded for uh. Mr yes for Craig
(24:07):
Kolowski Kamowski. I'm not sure if I'm saying that correctly.
He wanted a two friendship bulldogs, so we had we
could just find those. Uh for oh my god, so
hot in here? Are you? Are you okay? Are you hot?
Or don't take your shirt off in front of me? Sorry? Sorry,
I'm sorry. I put your shirt back on. I'm sorry.
(24:29):
I'm sorry. Here here okay? And I'm a very married
woman as mrs. And uh for Joey I, Oh, he
wanted a new Samsung flip phone. UH. And he requested
uh the agents phone numbers, the several agents phone numbers,
and UH said, okay, or why is it? What? Wait?
(24:52):
What what about the phone numbers? I don't know. That
was just part of the request. I just wanted to
go to sever His request is several agents phone numbers. Yes,
I don't. I don't think he has an agent. So
I think he just wants these cold calleag people during
the filming and it's we're not gonna no, no, that's
a no. Okay, So yes, on the flip floone, flip
flip floone? What's wrong with you? Is it hot? Is
(25:14):
it hot here? It's not hot any here? Okay? Sorry? Sorry,
I thought involuntary. I was involuntary. I have Vanessa Rigland. Uh.
She wanted a homemade's in she's in this to me,
supporting role, supporting role, very very light, very light. She
wanted a crystal homemade of crystals. She's just one of
(25:35):
the homemade of crystals. And that's no problem on that.
So that's no problem okay. And then um uh the
last one here, Oh my god, oh my god, did
you just piss my floor? I am so that was
involved hot? Are you hot? What is going on? Not hot?
You're going to have to drink your piss? Yes, yes,
(25:58):
Mrs Man. Yeah, I think i'd have a carpet. Hey, James, Man,
that's a cool trailer. Thank you. I don't know if
I don't know if you noticed, but I'm wearing some
new pants, pantalones. Those are nice. Why do they have
a big crease up the front. Oh that's called the
polat my man, I'm bringing it back. So man, I
(26:20):
don't know about you, but I've been trying to rest
and Craigs bulldogs keep barking. Man, I haven't heard them.
I got this soundproof trailer. Oh is that is that
behind you? I'm sorry closed the door behind you? Oh?
Sorry about that. Just listen. Do you hear that? M
(26:41):
it's fucking silence Chris. No French bulldogs, no nothing. It's
like an isolation tank, but it's a trailer. Hold on coffee.
No French bulldogs, No Joey career. He's inside. Once he's
in here, I can't silence him. But still, I see
what you're doing. You asked for the one thing maybe
(27:02):
we all should have asked for, which is a break
from each other. Well, I sure ship didn't want some
pleated pants. I could. Yeah, I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. No, no, no,
you're making me. You're right. I'm such a yes guy.
You know. Oh, whatever you want to do when I
take craigs dogs out for walks all the time, you do?
You know? I I get Joey my agent's phone number. Dude,
(27:24):
you did, Yeah, but like Bridge, you requested one thing
that will shut everybody else out. This is my little
sanctuary when I were on set filming, just a little
place to go with escape. Is that incentense I smell? Yeah,
it's not chompa. Oh, not chompa. That's that o G ship.
(27:46):
Well yeah, hey, guys, open up. It's make Graig Atkowski.
That's what I sound like. It's cannon. Uh. If you
don't say anything, it's also soundproof. On the outside, he
won't know that we're in here. Guys, open up, and
somebody to walk my dogs. Shit, you can't hear it.
I can't hear why we can hear him. It's it's
just keep your voice down. I think, hold on here,
(28:08):
let me test it out. Hey, Craig, you're a fucking chump.
Nobody really likes you. You're only here because Kevin think
you're okay. I think I think something might be wrong
with it because if this great, Hey, Craig, whyt to
go funk yourself? And you know what, I kiss both
your dogs on the mouth, Chris, Chris, if we can
hear him, it's all right, I heard all that. That
(28:30):
open the door, Craig. Sorry, we're doing uh we were playing. Um,
why don't you come inside? This is a soundproof trailer, Craig,
are you okay? You're like crying into the crafty. We
all want to we all want to eat that. So
(28:51):
I don't want you. I don't want you to cry,
but I especially don't want you to cry on the
cream cheese. I'm sorry. They shouldn't leave out so many nuts. Uh. Look,
I just found out what Chris Alvarado really thinks would be.
What is he thinking? It thinks I'm a chump? Oh,
you just found out. Really, you know this. I did
(29:15):
have a suspicion. But Craig, I I'm not in the
movie very much. Can we make it about me for
a second. Can you stop crying? And can we make
it about me for a second. Well, you you've got
two good scenes, but every other scene at the top
it says Vanessa is not in this scene. Yeah, it's
a good part of the dialogue to God, damn it,
(29:36):
you look. Just make it happen. Okay, yes, I'm gonna
give a I'm gonna sign. You don't have an agent, Joey,
you can just turn it down a fucking not. I'm sorry.
I was just I was actually just talking to my agent.
I think you're talking to a book on tape. Craig,
I think you're freaking idiot, and everyone thinks that Greg
(29:58):
you do nodded on the locks. Jesus, what a bagel
spread pull sucking together? Man, all right, I can't have this.
I can't have this energy right before I go shoot
with scores is easy? Okay, I cannot have this. I
cannot have this. Excuse me, what you're working with scores? Yes, yeah,
(30:21):
I am okay, my Asian hooked it up. Okay, there's
capers on these salmon. I'm sorry, p A, Hello, what
I'm just having? What capers and salmon? I'm sorry? Yeah,
this is the actors crafty. You see that bullish ship
over there in the corner on the floor, Yeah, that's yours. Okay,
(30:41):
have at it now. It's sucking nuts. It's just like
I'm on the lamb with this guy. He's like sending
me all these different like scraps. I gotta read. Buddy,
you're on the lamb with running away. It doesn't know. Hey, buddy,
stop eating our guddamn food. Alright, I'm not eating that
bullshit the floor. I'm not doing this is our god
(31:04):
all right, huh, this is our goddamn table. It's for actors. Hey, Joey, Hey, man,
it's your agent. U. Hey, did you get your teeth
fixed or not? No? No, no, it's kind of what
I'm calling about. Man, I cannot what Glenn Beck's and
Rince open that. Listen, you and I are officially on
(31:32):
the lamb. Good those guys. Yeah, when those guys kick
my fucking teeth, they say, get the funk out of
the studio city, and that means you and me ball
good good, good things are good. How often I'm not
doing that? Okay, you need the flospher often, get the
funk out of there. There, it's like teeth out, Put
me on the put me on the phone with the doctor. Yeah,
(31:52):
there you go. Take this. Yes, hey, my agent is
not going to floss. All right, Well, clearly he's not
gonna floss. Yeah, he's like of f us right, really
advanced gum disease A figure it out. Okay, Okay, it's
it's reversible, but you need to put some work in. Okay, Well,
then put some working buddy. All right, I'm saying. I'm
(32:12):
saying that he has to put some work in at home. Look, man,
he's put in working with me, with me. Okay, who
are you again? You know who I am? You heard
my voice? All right? You know who I am? All right,
you know I'm not Gerard Butler, but you know who
I am? The actor? Yeah? Well no, yes, I did
just put my age back on. Okay, I did want
to talk to you anyway. Look, with the most important
(32:34):
years that you and I are officially on the lamb.
All right, I'm here. Good news, y'all. Good news, y'all
officially booked. Did hey, stop eating the goddamn food on
the table, man, I'm not eating the bowl of shit
over there, some of those capers that came out of
my nose. What you guys, I think I'm just gonna walk.
(32:56):
I think I'm gonna do some walk in two scenes
and just we're going to roll with it because we're
used to improvising, and I'm just gonna I feel like
if I'm on set, I'm just gonna walk in, but
you're not on the call sheet. I hate you so much.
All Right, hey, everybody, I'm glad you're all here. Um see,
I'm here with James and Kevin obviously. So now that
we are here, what's getting ready for the big shoot day?
(33:17):
I was thinking, um, we should probably clear the air
before we get started because I want this to be
a nice, pure experience for all of us. Okay, yeah,
let's get it all out there. Good good, Um, listen,
I said some things about Craig that I meant but
I regret saying. And so that's done. You know, that's
that's out there. That's why Why do you regret it?
If you meant it, I regret that he heard it
(33:37):
because I'm kind of a coward that way. Fair, fair assessment. Alright, accepted,
Thank you, Thank you. No. I just think, James, I
think maybe you might want to say some things about
why your request was to shut us out, you know,
before we get started here. Well, Vanessa's not shooting today,
but before we get started today, if you guys need me,
(33:57):
I'm available always great to James. Well, the reason I
shut you guys out is like, I want when we're
together to be electric and if I'm with you guys
all the time, it's just boring. So I keep myself
at my trailer so that there's electricity and chemistry and
(34:21):
for God's sake, alchemy when we get together. Let's see
what you did there. I don't know that we can
argue with that. Once again, James has brought us back
to where I'm guys. I'm sorry. I know I'm not
technically a call sheep, but I am. You know I'm here. Um.
I just noticed that there's a body double for all
my scenes. H yeah, but it's all just us, you know,
(34:48):
at the coffee shop, and so I just don't know
why there has to be a body double for all
my Listen. I didn't want to do this, but I'm
gonna throw Vanessa under the bus, Kevin. She plans on
jumping into these two these scenes doing walking impressions. I
heard her say she was gonna do a bunch of
walking and that's your thing, and I just feel like
she's trying to sabotage the movie. I appreciate that, James,
and I'd like everyone to take notice that what James
(35:11):
has done is stab Vanessa in the face and not
my body, double my face. I'm sorry, don't you call me?
Hi's here? Hey? How are you na good? Venis not
much older in real life. You have to go, you
have to go. No, she can't. She's see in the
(35:32):
scene we're talking about. She's in the scene today. Well
in all the scenes. He listen to her Australian accent. Vanessa,
you're gonna love it. Lay it down, Venete two kids
a parrot immacular was really good. Also, okay, I better
wow joey Um, Why don't you show everybody how good
(35:53):
of a kisser you are? James, come here, do it?
Freak boy? How about just the James come here? Oh?
I just don't know if I'm wrong here? Okay? Who
those two dogs dead over there? Oh? God? Though I
(36:14):
was I was breeding that. Um Mrs a gold Gold
gold flush we have. My name is Linda gold, Schmidt
told Schmidt, ma'am mrs Mrs Um. I'm sorry to bother
you just want to there's some problems set there seems
to be uh, some some hiccups. What is wrong with you?
(36:37):
What is your role? What are you here for? What
are you trying to tell me, how would you have
me to answer that? Would we answer that in order?
Or my role is I am your assistant. I am
here uh to let you know what's going on on set.
And my role is not me me meator. Okay, it's involuntary.
I'm sorry, I so, I I so what So what's
(36:59):
happening is Craig's dogs have past and he's sewn them
together to make one big dog and he's carrying it
around every scene and on setting everyone, making everyone pettit.
James James has taken on the role of detective for
some reason, and he seems to be narking on everybody.
And yeah, I don't understand there's no detective in the picture.
I know, I know, I know. Uh. And probably the
(37:22):
biggest hiccup is that the Vanessa has um well she
she killed her standing and so there there's there's we
need to fix that. Help that we're gonna have to
go on the Lamb. This whole production is going on
the Lamb's get the word out. Let everybody know, put
it in the walks. This production is on the Lamb,
and we're moving. Okay, okay, okay, noted, take your pants off? Yes, yes, okay,
(37:48):
that's a company move. Everybody company moved. Bullshit, I just
shut this up. Alright, we're now all officially on the lamb.
That means no more communicado with your family member zos. Okay,
wait on a twenty hours. We are we are officially
on a twenty now. I always thought the lamb was
(38:09):
pregnant and seen too. You always thought on the lamb
meant with child phrase for like with child on the lamb,
isn't it? Is it? Nope? Nope, it's because Jesus Christ
is the Lamb of God. Okay, keep talking. Yeah, thank you.
(38:33):
By the way, I forgot to mention to my fellow alchemists,
thank you so much for the wonderful Passover wishes. It
was much appreciated. I forgot. Oh yeah, yeah for you,
yeah yeah, it's a very big day. And there he
is alive in the stories of your people. You know
that you are Jewish and it's a beautiful heritage. Yeah,
(38:58):
thank you for that for ne welcome. I love pass
It is pretty great. And Egyptians died. Now, I don't
know a lot about any religion, but was pass Over
like a self isolation kind of thing? Weren't they? Like
keeping to themselves or something very good. James, it is
very good. We were staying indoors and we put the
(39:19):
blood of the lamb, bringing it all back on the door,
so the full circa blood on the and sing. I
will say for the record on the lamb lamb it
just spelled l A M. It's true, got nothing to
do with the animal, James, feel better or worse? Worse?
(39:40):
Now I get to know what the acronym is. What
does LAMB stand for? Joey, No, it's not. It's not
a word, So what the hell does it mean? Alright?
It sound sound? We gotta we got to move. If
the listeners wants to google before James has a chance
and send us the deaf and it's your name here
(40:01):
at alchemy there dot com. See three comes to us
from Martin who wrote, Dear Alchemists, thanks so very much
for all the laughs. Nothing makes me laugh harder than
carrying jokes from the first scene all the way to
the last. Here is my scene suggestion. In an alternate universe,
(40:22):
what if Jesus Christ was just the best magician and
illusionists of his time. J C goes around making miracles
with the help of his disciples. Sleight of hand turns
blood into wine, multiplying the fish, walking on the water, etcetera. Judas,
(40:42):
as always, of course, is the disciple who ruins the
illusion by giving away the trick. Thanks a million Martin
from Canada. Okay, uh, who who's next? I am? I am?
I am, yes, yes, Jesus, I am. I'm very sick,
very very sick. And describe your symptoms if you would
(41:04):
pay my My lungs are piercing my ribs and I
don't know what to do. I can't work it. It's
hard to breathe. Rib lungs is one of my specialties.
What I'm going to do, watch my hand. Okay, I'm
gonna place them here. Place this one up here. Okay,
(41:30):
you've got to just close your eyes and trust me.
And this is a rabbit. Oh my god, hold hold
the right out of that well. I feel better. You're welcome.
Oh my gosh, I feel better, my child, You're welcome.
I feel so much better. Thank you, thank you, thank you,
(41:50):
thank you so much. Just just say thank you, thank
you so much. Thank my fate. If you wanted to
plan something bleeding, yes, sir, how can I help my family?
What they're very hungry, and all we have is this
one loaf of bread. And how many in your family? Four?
(42:11):
Just four? Huh, Well there's me and then four others,
and we have a dog that if we could do
something about the dog, that would be cool, but definitely secondary.
Wish we just have this one of bread. You have
one loaf of bread. This one would like to feed
a family of five and a canine if possible. This
(42:33):
can it's not mandatory. Turn around three times and say
I believe, I believe, I believe, No, no, just I
believe once. Yeay. Sorry, I'm sorry. There's a really big
line out there. Yeah, get back in line, sir. But
(42:54):
I still have this loaf of bread. What hell do
you mean you you waited there with the loaf of
bread to get it? What for him to magically breaking
up and make more bread? That was only one goddamn
load for bread, dude to stay at that. I don't know.
He starts miracles, I see him. Sometimes he posts rabbits
out of asses. Sometimes it's probably bread. Oh my god,
(43:14):
you can look at this. You get the kids both
that we don't have any goddamn bread because you wanted
to go over there and see the show. Uh, it
wasn't just seeing the show. I thought that he would
give us bread for everybody. We had a loaf of bread.
We had a huge loave of bread. We still have
the huge loaf of bread. Oh really, but you dropped
(43:35):
it on the ground and kicked it, and then a
whole bunch of people in lives that are ripping at it.
So what we got, I'll just little pieces of bread? Yes, sweetheart,
let's talk away from the children really quick. Oh why
so they can't hear you? Lies? Is that right? So
I'm the bad guy again. No not, they're hearing it. Sweetheart. Listen,
let me just whisper it. Maybe we should the dog.
(43:56):
Oh you want to eat the kids? Give me for
a second, what is it, mama? Your dad wants to
eat Moses? Is it that fun? Huh? Kids from today?
You want to know where the bread is? Huh? Yeahs oh, Corina,
(44:18):
you want to know where the bread is? Well, let
me tell you all right, it's on the floor, all right.
Your father decided to use that as a ticket Brice
to go off. There's no bread. We're probably gonna starve
and die, so just so you know, but we do
have this dog that we could eat. I'm gonna eat
(44:42):
the damn dog, all right. You better get out there,
and you betterfied. It's a frend's toast. Okay, yeah, Hi,
I'm next in line. Okay. The kind of miracle you're
looking for? Um, what kind of a miracle am I
(45:05):
looking for? I'm looking for somebody who it's pretending not
to be a piece of ship to come clean and
tell everybody that he is a piece of ship. I'm sorry.
Has have centurions been allowed to go in or not?
I don't know. I'm in group one, I understand it.
But centurions been allowed to go in or no? Centurions
have not gone in yet? Okay I'm not a centurion. No,
(45:28):
I'm a citizen, but I just haven't, sir. I'm so sorry.
Sorry regarding your miracle, sir, with this No, no, no,
you didn't ask for a miracle. You asked if centurions
have been allowed to go in? Here? Are you talking
to me? I'm not talking to you. You're looking at
me because you're demanding my attention in an uncomfortable way. Well,
(45:48):
I'm roman, I can see that from the outfit. To
slide right past you too, Hi there, Jesus Christ, is it? Yes,
you may call me Jesus. Hey Jesus. Yeah, my my
arm hurts. Can you fix that thing for me? Please?
Your arm hurts? Yeah, that's right. Well, you know as
a jewelshit healer. Bull. Sorry, I'm sorry, but you just
(46:15):
I just brought you into a motherfucking magic off. Do
you know who I am? Judas? That's right, Judas. I
can't believe you would do shit. Damn alright, somebody, somebody
who's really sick. Step up here, you, sir. You look
weird as I feel free. I feel fine. What's what?
What's this? Break? Is fast moving around? Huh? Next? That
(46:43):
is impressive. Next, go ahead, j C take this one. Okay,
what is your affliction? Well? Do you think that motherfucker
look at me consuming too much of the wine? No,
that's not correct. Forgets again? Okay, um, lack of hygiene?
(47:05):
Well might be do stem from that? I have a protrusion?
Oh look at that? Yeah, it's bugging me? Is that
coming from inside Paris? To be coming from inside my vessel?
So I'm on need to I saw some other healers
and they were stumped. But I guess you could take
(47:28):
a crack at it. It would feel good to get
this thing off. Can I get can I? Okay? I
want you to close your eyes. I did have leprodsly recently,
but I'm recovered. I do very well with the lepers.
Big big fan. While he's doing this, I need everybody
else in the house to start asking yourself some questions.
(47:48):
Do you want to follow a man like that? A
guy who does parlor tricks? Ask yourself this question? Man
who gets it? And one up here talk like a
little dog. You just say the choice you've made. Oh sorry,
(48:09):
I was out loud the whole time. Erro estes omiano.
Break it up and break it the hell up. Oh shit,
I'm punch just pilot. You know who I am. Don't
call me Pepe, everybody it's peep. Don't call me. Don't
call me, don't call me. All right, Crucify everybody here,
(48:34):
Crucify everything. You can crucify yourself, and you can suck
my boil while you're at it. All right, you know what,
Just crucify that one. I'm not sure if it deman
or a woman. Crucify it right now. We're gonna find out.
You're telling me to crucify that one. Yeah, I'm telling
you we're not like that, We're not good like that.
(48:55):
And who are you to give out any orders? Can
you please get the allow of this area? Are you?
This is peeing me? Oh? All right, I am seriously
I cut you know what, I don't even I'm about
to make you much smaller than you were when you
first arrived, smaller, smaller. He's just getting further away. I'm
(49:20):
gonna make you bigger, bigger, bigger, more, quiet, louder, quick, quiet.
I don't want to interrupt it. A caesar, A caesar, Caesar, Yes,
so what's easy? Season? A seeson, A seesar. That seems
(49:40):
to be something wrong with the Jews, with the jeers. Yes,
that seems to be a public uprising, a public aporizing.
Come on, listen, not to beat around the bush. Tell
me what's happening. That is a the is the thing
(50:00):
up with a guy and he's doing this thing and
let's making people. Couldn't a specificity? Come on? Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
So from what I heard, okay, from what I heard,
that is that there's a man as Judas and has
at doing these things that I'm making people get the
(50:22):
big and the people can't craze crazy and uh, and
then there was this uh, I don't know how to
say this. There was this uh talking Latin. If you
want no, no, I want to practice I want okay, okay,
I want to practice it. This linguis okay, okay, okay,
okay okay. So uh, Judas had done this. Uh knock knock, Mary, Mary,
(50:49):
are you in there? Hey, it's me Judas. Hey Judas,
I didn't expect you to come by my heart today
at the door. No, that who's that, Joseph? Who's that?
Is that? Joseph? It's Joseph. I'm in the bathroom. Joe.
Just shut up for a second. I'm just talking to
(51:09):
Judas is just stopping by. Yeah, I'm gonna put it
on my head, Rocks and just zone up. Look, your
son is acting now. He's he's he's acting like a
real piece of ship, Jim Jesus. Oh. Oh, he's usually
so good. He's not. He's not right now. And and
(51:32):
I don't want to tell you why he's acting the
way he is, but I'm assuming it's because of who
his dad is. Because you you are great, Mary, Everyone
loves you. Thank you, sweetie. Do you dates? Oh please,
I'm not gonna I can't take your dates. You can
take I haven't. I've got more than enough. I'll take
a date. Okay, it's a date. God uh so, um
(51:58):
Jesus yeah, actually a real piece of shit. M hmmm.
And I'm wondering. You know, you're his mom, if maybe
what do you maybe? If you want to buy the bread,
you're gonna have to pay me. Well, I don't have
any money, so it's thinking maybe I could help with
duties around the shop. Well, half forties are in the shop. Look,
how therty you are? You're coming in here. I want
(52:20):
to work at my fucking bread station. It's just I
think he's offering you a blowjob. You think, Oh wait,
that wasn't exactly what I was offering. Well, well, well
look everything's finally we are align on it. Papa. Just
get us the bread? How hard it? Okay? Okay, they're
just probably something else we could do. Just do it
(52:42):
all right. Just give the guy what he needs, sweetheart,
Please just let me do the negotiating. I'm quite the businessman. Honestly,
the guy wants a blowjob. It seems like I hate
to get involved in the family mother brother. It seems
like if you just gives like our blowsop, he'll give
you bread. Well, I mean negotiation were with he asked
what he wants, I give it a thing, and then
we find a medium in the middle. What if I
(53:04):
give you my dog for some bread the dog. There's
a lot of us in line here. They would like
a chance at that man's knob in order to get
a loaf. So suck it or move on. Yeah, that's
what I'm saying. I'm with that guy, move on, move on?
(53:29):
Do it? Where do I do this? Just right here? Yes?
I just maybe we could come with my come with
Maybe we're gonna go somewhere. Come on, Okay, this place is.
I don't like to do this without getting the know
the bloke before it goes down. Say again, I don't
like to do this until I'll get to know the
(53:53):
bloke before it goes down. Okay, Well, I'd really rather
keep it more of a business relation and ship, Mike,
Now one does business with people? Fight down? Now? Okay,
Well I'm sagittious. Could see three and any better? No, No,
(54:20):
it couldn't. That is our show for today. Let's thank
all of our alchemists in no particular order. Veniche, thank you, John,
thanks for loving me. Play it yes and please come
back a sap. I'll be right here trap hell Okay,
(54:44):
well we're coming for you. And much love to you
and your completely and utterly lovely family. Thanks, extreme health
to you all please. Craig Atkowski, much health to you
and Carla and the three kids. Yeah. We we don't
know who they are or where they are, but they're
out there somewhere. I don't know if anyone knows this
(55:05):
about me and the Kis, but I'm convinced they have children.
That makes sense. Yeah, to see us with it each
children ever ever? Yeah, but Koski on Twitter, just find
out what's going on in my life. Love to will do.
Chris Alvarado, Thank you for having me. I like doing this.
(55:29):
Appreciate your honesty and directness. James Heeney, thanks for having
me here. Uh Spare Supply has a show every single
Wednesday at seven pm Pacific Standard time on Twitch at
twitch dot tv. Forward Slash west Side Comedy Theater, Thank you,
(55:49):
Thank you for that. Joseph of Kria, Yes, you know
I want to say, get on due lingo right language,
you know, get on it can you recommend any particular language.
I'm learning Latin right now. You're learning Latin right now. Huh.
Let's see, how do I say? Uh? See alchemy this?
(56:13):
It's just alchemy this. But noman s Peter, My name
is Peter. Peter. Olivia dormi dormant. Olivia sleeps at home.
Feminina non dormant. Can we not talk too? We are dormant.
(56:33):
The woman doesn't sleep, but the man sleeps. So when
you said learn a language, you meant right now, Yeah,
I sit learn a dead one. It's not spoken. It's
not utilizing everything criticized. It really is. You know you
don't know, you don't. I love you all madly and
wish you all extreme health. Let's thank our wonderful producer
(56:56):
and engineer to the stars, Mr Doug Bain, and all
of you, thank you so much for sticking with us,
and stay healthy and and follow the damn orders and
rules and regulations that you're being instructed by your governors,
at least the smart ones, and they're still like ten
(57:18):
nine holdout governors. Who was eight Indiana's fucking world was
right now? Oh buddy, Well, bless you all and be
safe and until next time, remember we love you and
(58:02):
be a football
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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