April 16, 2020 • 61 mins
Cororana Virus SWAT Team: French Chef Offers A New Baby Dish. :DILFS fly to Iceland for Make A Wish.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy' COVID nine edition.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yest that, Kevin poll No,
I do love you all. No, no, all of you. No,
I'm not going to point to the ones that I don't.
I'm kind of pointing at you right there. Nope, not
her him, Yep, that's the one. But I digress. Let's
(00:24):
mean our Alchemist in no particular order. Shall we say
hello to Greig Katkowski? First? What was the last occasion
that you wore a bathing suit? Because I don't. I
can't picture it like ever picture the Roaring twenties, picturing
(00:44):
one of those full lengths strides body suits with a
flap in the back for my um. I'm really having
a hard time coming up with it. Uh yeah, I
can't remember the last time I swam, or I I
owned one. I think, yeah, sure, no reason to use it.
That's one of the real secrets about Los Angeles that
(01:06):
nobody outside of California knows is that we don't go
to the beach. Not a thing. It's not who ordered
the tomato. There's Jessica Lowe. Colonel jess Up, why did
you order the code red? I ordered the mountain dew
code red because they haven't seen it on a menu
and over ten years. Yeah see, I'm just hearing about
(01:30):
this code red mountain dew connection. Jerry. It's delicious. It's
very bad for you. It's everything I need in my
body right now. Yes, there is an allowance. And let's
let's face it. Either you're gaining the quarantine fifteen or
you're not. No. One staying stagnant. I am obsessed with
(01:51):
gaining exactly one pound. Let's see how we do. Um.
Good lord, it's Chris Alvarado. Good lord, Chris, no dis
How do you feel about the numbers seventy two through
eighty three? I like I like the seventies. I like
the seven. It feels like a good if it feels
(02:13):
good in my brain. The eight feels chunky, chunky, A
little chunky, like two big circles, like chunky, but like
seventy two boom. Maybe can I help you maybe visualize
the eight as a snowman is a poker term for eight.
Snowman still chunky? Hey any up? You know what I mean?
(02:35):
I know poker. I got your back. Uh wait wait,
check the oven. It's James Eeny Jimmy charcoal gray. What's
your favorite thing to wear during this damn quarantine and
are you wearing it now? My favorite thing to wear
is my fall out Vault one oh one costume that
I made, but it's too hard to wash, so I
(02:59):
only wear it on special occasions because I made it
with electrical well it's actually yellow duct tape. But second
best is this outfit right here. This vest is the
best I got married in. I love a vest with
a lapel. I'm just gonna say it always been a fan.
Uh you got married in that vest. You were wearing
(03:19):
nothing else as I was wearing. I was wearing a
different shirt and a different tie, but I had this
vest on in the wedding. It was an outdoor bo
hoo style wedding. Joey was there and was he the
best man? Because that doesn't make any sense. Its so funny.
This is almost an embarrassing thing. We didn't let any
(03:39):
of our friends sit at the wedding. They had to
send at the like building and watch the wedding from afar. Now,
in our wedding photos, we have a whole bunch of
tea chairs. So before the quarantine, you decided to quarantine
your friends from your wedding. Day of wedding, he comes
into where we are, like all of us are getting
(04:00):
He's like, guys, and he's pretty nervous, and he's like,
you know, naturally and and understandable. He's like, so, um,
I don't know if you should I'll do my day. Guys,
I don't know if you should do you should come
to you should come to the wedding. We're like why.
He's like, I just don't know, and I can tell
you a little nervous. He's like, we don't think there's
going to be enough seats, is what he said, So
(04:21):
no one can come so well, and you know, I
don't I didn't know what was happening, but I just
wanted to respect the groom rather than choosing who gets
to sit in here. No one does, so we're like,
you got it. We came to the and we were
suspecting that maybe there was someone on either side of
the family that was embarrassed with us, you know what
(04:42):
I mean, or maybe that we'd like cause us something.
So we we were like, all right, we'll just chill.
We end up going to the the wedding party hammered
out of our fucking minds because we're just drinking, like
waiting to go, so we end up getting their trashed,
we don't We like joined the party at Gear eight.
We had a blast. It was a really really fun one,
(05:02):
I'm sure, but what you can remember from it was
incredibly very little. And James remember Joey's behavior that day,
he would behave really well. There was only one person
whose behavior I'm disappointed in, and I won't talk about it. No,
my wife did pretty good. She did good. It was
one of the groomsmen, and I don't think it would
(05:24):
be appropriate for me to tell the stories of my
frustration with it. Somebody taking pills and getting to ft up.
You know, well they know who they are, don't they.
They do. There was only one groomsmen doing pills at
my wedding. His name is mog No. I'm working so
well behaved, that's true. That's potentially why it was funny.
(05:46):
Joe blow below my sink? Would you rather take your
chances with the virus or atten day? Five hour easter
zoom dinner man? This is crazy? You know what the
zoom because I'll tell you why, Because uh, I can
(06:06):
leave when I want, howevers, I can't nice. You know,
I can't get out, so I have not one true
So thank you for that. All right, let's do a
damn show first. A note from Patreon v I P
member Corey Booth, who wrote we need more of Joey's
Can I have twenty dollars? Lady? I have listened to
(06:31):
that episode at least a dozen times just because I
can't stop. Can I get that's her? Does she have
a name? By the way? Uh? And yet no? Alright,
for the moment that I'll put it back on you,
Corey Booth, give the Can I have twenty lady? A name?
Won't you? Um? And thank you, Corey Booth. Our v
(06:54):
I P from the Patreon. All of our scene suggestions
come from either patroon v I P s or your
listener emails. If you'd like to submit your listener email,
please write to the podcast at your name here at
alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy.
This doctor doesn't help Joey see. Number one comes from
Patreon al come Aniac Joseph, who wrote Kevin my next suggestion.
(07:21):
The CDC creates a SWAT team to respond to people
not complying with social distancing. You're awesome. I love what
you do, Joseph. All right, team, we are on route
to public parks, beaches, any open space. Can the area
all right? Captain? You're breaking up? Breaking up? Captain? Can
(07:45):
you hear me? No? I can hear you. Okay, we
are all in separate tubes. Can you hear me? I
heard something about your wife? Someone my wife? What do
you hear about my wife? I can hear you? Just fine?
Hold up? What's going on with my wife? What did
you hear? She's not a witch? She is not a witch?
(08:05):
Wife got we got surprise party invites from your wife,
and we're not supposed to tell you about it, but
I think we need to let you know we're headed
to break up the party for you, Hank, Why would
you why would you say that we're supposed to be
c d C members swatting out these people breaking rules
and it's his wife's fault. There I said it. Sorry man, sorry,
(08:28):
cap Look, if it's a party, if it's a party
for me, I think we can let it slide, all right.
I think we can let this one slide. Okay. And again,
she's not a witch, she's not a witch. Well, we
have heard that that that's going around. Okay, she's not
all right, let's just get that off the table, all right.
She's got a pointy hat. That's just the way her
(08:50):
head is. Any hat she wears, it looks like that. Okay,
all right now listen, listen up. We got one job
to do after my surprise party. How many people were invited?
That's it? Just all right. Whatever we're told we're not
allowed to be in your house though, right, we're supposed
to be in the garage or something. We can let
this slide. We can go into the family room and
(09:12):
going the tea room. It doesn't matter what your wife
and her tubes said. She said, we all have to
gather in the garage. Is anyone's gonna back me up
on this? Yeah, that's exactly what she said. In the
garage is a smaller room than anywhere else in your house.
This is allowed to be there. She kind of cackled it.
To be honest, she's not a witch, all right. You
(09:35):
gotta believe it. You gotta believe Cap Brinton. She's not
a witch. All right. Now, Look, we're gonna get in there,
have some cake, and I hope you brought up present.
If you didn't, you will be reprimanded. Have you never
seen her on or near a broom? Of course, she's
on all the time. Loves sweeping, loves, sweeping, loves kids.
M hmm. Okay, Now we gotta focus up. We got
(09:58):
one job to do. What is it today, cap We
got to disperse any group of people that are out
in public. All right. We're gonna be hitting parks, beaches,
open spaces. What if they're out there because of essential needs?
Now we take them down? All right? No one outside
is that clear? Mask? Gloves still not good if you
(10:19):
see masks and gloves. Walk around, Papa, Papa. I'm I'm
going to my positivity walk, Okay. I believe that I
can heal the world by just walking around this neighborhood
and just spraying the world of positivity. You're a good boy,
my son. I know you're so sick. If if you
(10:42):
have time to pick me up, that would be so nice. Yes, yes,
oh gosh, it's a wet cough. It's safe, it's a
wet cough. Okay, okay, okay, I'm going on that positivity walk. Okay, Okay,
I love you, Papa, Papa. Yes, what is it? I
(11:06):
have a baked m a protein of cookies for all
of our neighbors. I'm going to go deliver them to
every single neighbor, Mrs White, Mrs Vasquez, Mr Domino, I
want to deliver all the cookies so they can stay
alive and they don't have to leave their house. Oh
(11:26):
you are a good girl. I I raised you right
particularly Mr Domino. I think it's gonna like that cookie.
I am so proud of you. And if you have
a moment to pick up a kombucha for me, oh yes,
I will try to find the kombucha man. Okay, he's around.
I know he's around the somewhere. He stop up to
(11:49):
talk to Mr Kambucha. Ma, what do you need that?
I would like a one ginger lemonade the kombucha for
my papa. A little girl out to wait your damn time?
Who's next? Who was next? I was? Have you served
veterans yet? What? Um forces? Serving active military? I'm not.
(12:16):
I just wanted to know, you want to know for what?
I just want to know if you've if you've served them,
what do you care well like? I just want to know.
This little girl wants to come butcher for her father.
But instead, I'm talking to you. Why are you talking
like this? When you kicked her out of the line,
there was a line. CDC swat CDC, swat down the fingers.
(12:42):
What do you have their, little girl? You got a
bunch of cookies there? He hasn't trying to deliver protein
the cookies to all of my relatives. I'll do neighbors.
I'm just trying to give him stra little back. Wipe
down those cookies, white down. Who got the Clark's wipe?
Wipe them down? I dude, yes, good haul, good haul. Alright,
(13:06):
let's clean this area up. All right. Break all those
kompucha pobbles, kompucha popples, break them up, break them up.
We get all my palate duck to sell it to people.
You got head decidled man, they have to take away
of my business. Is an essential need? Much popples are
(13:30):
an essential business? Then you have not tried these? Well,
I'll try one. What is that that is nice? What
are you doing? I'm I am inspecting the evidence, thinking
very much. You know, I'm having a surprise party later here.
Won't you take this flyer? Won't you? You You can come
if you won't bring the kombucha to look, I got
(13:53):
this Brenton over right. Okay, little girl, you're invited as well. Okay,
bring some more cookies. This is really taste. You're inviting
people to your own surprise party. Well it's not a
surprise party. Mark, You're ruined. It didn't you. You're fucking nark. Okay, Now,
my wife is not a witch. Let's just get that clear.
(14:13):
She does have a lot of wards, but out of safety,
maybe the children shouldn't come in case she is a witch. Okay, listen,
all right, now we gotta set up a perimeter. It
looks like this neighborhood is hot. It is active, but
these are all wet coughs. Speaking a hot zone, cap
I got a message for your wife, if you wouldn't
(14:34):
mind passing it along? Sure to what to who? It's
from my wife? So is it to me or no?
The messages to your wife? Okay, speaking of hot zones.
So she's told you something to tell me? What is Yeah,
that's why she's told she's told you something to tell me. Okay,
what do I need to tell you? You need to
tell me what she thinks. Okay, gentlemen, we need right
(14:57):
now to set up a perimeter. About a hundred eat
by a hundred feet. All right, positivity, walk positivity, song positivity,
walk positivity. Stop listen, you're about to cross into what
we were barricading this area. It's a hot zone. That's perfect,
(15:19):
that's perfect. I can douse any hot zones with my positivity.
I don't think that's how it works. Have you ever
heard of turning or frown open side down? Well, when
I was a kid, but that I mean I'm an adult.
You're still a kid. Dr Faucci. Dr Fucci, at the
reports are and it looks like the disease can't handle positivity.
(15:45):
You know we're doing the best week? What wait? Wait?
Are you sure? I look at the reports here, Stanford University,
Judgia Tech, WHOA. All of them say positivity will kill
the virus. How do we get the people to be positive? Though?
They seem pretty upset so negative? I don't know. I
(16:07):
don't know, but there seems here if you look at
this chart, I see the charts, and I see the tests,
and what I'm wondering, look at this very good? Now,
now try skipping a little bit. I can't skip, just
skip a little bit. Okay, Well, is anybody looking all right. Okay,
look at you. That looks like it's seeming little skipping.
(16:30):
Shut up, shut up, sister. Oh this is your sister. Yes,
she was invited to a party. Later, you're going to
a party. Yeah, I'm going to bring all the protein
cookies except for the one for Mr Domino. Oh, Mr Domino, Sir, sir,
do you know Mr Domino? Yes? I wasn't thought. Oh
(16:52):
who are you? I'm Mr Domino? Oh, then ship, I
didn't recognize you outside of usually. Are you talking to
me through your screen door? Sir with the CDC? This
is Mr Dominos in our neighborhood. Hello, Hi, what can
I do for you? Well, this whole area is considered
(17:14):
a hot zone. So would we really like you to
do is go back inside your how speaking of hot zone,
if you've seen the Captain's wife, she's a witch. I
don't want to she's a hot number. I wouldn't get
even close to her because she's a witch. I would
ride that broom all night, if you know what I'm saying.
I don't know you'd ride a broom heart room. You
(17:42):
know what? Mr Domino likes to take big long objects
up his butt. That here only from caps wife hm,
I only take it from the CAP's wife. Okay, I'm
gonna leave you too. I'm gonna skip into the hot zone.
And it is okay, my pretties. A captain sergeant is
(18:06):
going to be arriving any moment, so we need to
spread out, spread out among the garage six ft away,
six ft away, my previous stop getting to house six
six away. Maybe we should garage. It's just there's not
(18:28):
a lot of room in here for six ft distance.
Well him that I will eat you. Yes, saved me
the ass. Ding dong, ding dong. Honey, I'm coming in. Hide,
(18:49):
I'll hide in the ass. We're six ft publish nothing
the place to hide unless we get close to each
other invisibility. Spell my skin, my skin. Honey, I'm gonna
come in. Honey, Honey, I'm gonna come in. Honey, I'm
(19:12):
gonna come in. Guy, look at that. I'm surprised. I
brought the tea, money, all the team. And who is
this little girl? I am here with the two last
protein cookies that I made this morning. Why are you
(19:32):
looking at me like that protein cookie? Why are you
licking your lips? Why is your skin turning green? Was
this protein cookie? Up Mr Domino's ass. Yes, it was
happy birthday, dear happy Oh wow cake, get this little
(20:00):
familiar as are you doing, little buddy? Uh? Alright, so uh,
I expect everyone to sing me happy birthday, and then
after that everyone gonna slice the cake. Mingle for a
moment and let's hit the road once more. Yeah, Captain Sarge,
we got We got an entire village to the knockdown. Ye.
Did I understand what we're supposed to do. But don't
(20:23):
let this get in the way of being normal. And
your wife, by the way, definitely a witch. Definitely. Can
I talk to you for a second, Can talk to you?
Come into my bathroom? All right? What the hell is
going on with you? Get out of my face? Man,
what get the hell out of my goddamne oh am,
I am? I am? I damn that kombucha really fucked
(20:46):
me up. Did you get a kombucha? Are you talking about?
I had to test the test? God, I am getting light. Yeah.
Uh positivity, positivity, You're gonna be okay. Uh, I feel better.
They just did a clinical trial and positivity it's uh
the small sample size. It was to tell me about
(21:08):
the guy damn Staple just tell to be positive, just
to be pausitive. Don't e think hard time being positive? Sir? Why? Why?
What is it? I don't know if I'm gonna make it.
I don't know if I'll see the so on. Look,
has a bunch of human heads being hug upside down
in your bathroom? Here? Decretive? It's they're sent, a man,
(21:31):
they're sent. I'm sorry to hear the Captain sart. You're
the captain Sarge now, Captain serge, I bequeathed you that title.
Are you there? Get me down from Jesus? What the
hell help me? Dot from the wall? Where did you
come from? I'm one of the heads on the wall.
Oh yeah, I see that now. Yeah, it's a very
uncomfortable situation here. I'm sure you're gonna appreciate that. I
(21:53):
bet hey you will. You don't have the virus? Do
you me? You're talking to me the little head on
the wall. Yeah, yeah, I'll talk to you a little
head on the wall, patient number one. Thank you? Oh great, okay,
you've already gotten over it and come out through the
other end. Still just a head on the wall. Alright, Well,
(22:16):
I got a whole CDC squat team that's got that's
got to get out there and lockdown this city. But
I don't have time to mess around. We got speed
with a little severned head. Okay, alright, man, we're rolling
that Scene one alright. Scene number two comes to us
(22:43):
from Will, who wrote, Hello, Malcomis. I love the show
and I've listened since day one. I think it's hilarious
and that everyone makes fun of James eating habits and
taste in boring or weird food drink. I don't know
that everyone does that as James takes a sip. I
would love to hear a scene where James is a
(23:03):
fat guy who gets arrested for suspicion of eating a
baby and has to recount everything he ate that day.
Eating your baby might be dark, but Joey eats his own. Come,
so play ball, everybody. Well, this is a real listener,
a devoted fan. We take you now to James guy.
(23:29):
Necessarily me, I'm playing a fat guy, right. Well, he's
asked you to play the fat guy. Yeah, I'm fine
with that. I just was. I'm kind of hoping to
not have many more James Heeney scenes just all the time.
Welcome to Tubby is there anything you would like for
your dietary needs. I'd like to have. Well, is that
(23:50):
a foot? How long is the large submarine sandwich? Oh god,
you're stepping on my foot? Sorry, might sir so if
you wouldn't mind six ft apart from the other customers?
All right, okay, okay, but I am next, right you
are next? Yeah, just looking to see what sort of
(24:12):
baby you'd like to eat. What you guys sell babies here? Hey, hey, hey, dummy,
up with you? Just answer the question what size the
biggest baby is before? It's a toddler? Right? Okay? The biggest?
Do you want mayo on that? My Honestly, I've never
(24:34):
had a baby. Do people typically get the baby with mayo?
Or with our most get it with the mayo? Mayo
makes everything better? Does it? What? I love mayo? Let us?
I mean, if there's an ingredient, put it on. I'm
a hungry boy. Okay, So you want to Jack's way,
you gotta know what. I don't want to. I don't
(24:54):
want to sound like an idiot, But dad, what's what's
the condition of the baby. What's the condition of the
baby that you're about to eat? I don't know, is
it like a lobster. Do I the baby has been cooked?
Your designs? Okay? Perfect? Perfect? Perfect? Gentlemen, listen up, all right,
(25:18):
we got a new case. Looks like people are eating babies.
We gotta yeah again okay, and has nothing to do
with my wife, all right, So let's all focus in
and really tackle it. All right. So we gotta make
sure that we get whoever see the baby and we
lock them down for life. CAPA. And I got a question,
go for it. We're starting that these people eating these
(25:41):
babies absolutely has nothing to do with your wife. All right.
You know what you're on? Leave? Okay? What does that mean?
It means you gotta leave. You're on a twenty questions break,
No questions about my wife. It's business, all right, right,
that's what this is. Business. Now, I'm gonna break everyone
(26:01):
up in two teams. Okay. Uh my internet kick cuffed,
got kicked off. So if we don't want the same
situation with Chris, then maybe we have to I don't
know if I have to restart. Let me just see
what and how are you here? If your internet is gone? Well,
because I just plugged it back in. Did you guys
not notice that I was gone? Yeah, yeah, we did.
(26:24):
We did. It says that I'm still recording, so I
guess I don't know what happened. Whatever you want, sorry,
I just didn't want to have problems where there was
no recording. Can you help this guy or what? You
know what? That was insane? I don't understand what these
two people are doing in our office, and your internet
problems are your own, all right? Captain? Are we are
(26:46):
we prosecuting the guys who are buying the babies or
shouldn't we be shutting down these restaurants that are selling
babies for consumption in the first place. I'm sorry, I
know this is a goddamn Q and A. You got
your orders, gentlemen, and you know what, Breton, you're on
a twenty two. I'm on a twenty two. Yeah, you're
on a twenty two. Alright, alright, fine, you won't see
(27:10):
me for twenty two hours. Then. Now, what's up with
this guy's internet? We gotta fix that before we get
out of here. What's going on with your router? Well,
here's what happens. My dog was scratching at the court
and it took the cord out, but I was able
to plug it back in and it seems like I've
still got high deaf Netflix. So I'm good. So you're
you're playing around with your dog when you should have been.
(27:31):
You've got the high super HD. It's like almost four K.
Everybody has that. Everyone has that standard and um leaving
the courts alone. Now now welcome to Lepeti, the most
popular French restaurant in all of the valley. Uh here right,
(27:54):
Today's specials salmon, of course, scargo, h cargo and uh
it's short for scargo. Is that short for scargo or
is that another dish? Cargo? That's correct? And the last
one you see you didn't answer me? Is it? Um?
(28:18):
Is it short for scargo or is it another dish one?
Why don't you shut the funk up and let the
chef tell us what the specials are? Well, look, I
he's not gonna come to never goddamn table, all right,
he's standing on the bar. I might as well ask
the question. Why why must you ask anything? Because I
went out the hell? I mean he just said, Sam,
I don't know how the hell is cooked. The chef
is there. Let's listen to the chef. Please well that please,
(28:41):
please please, I'm sorry it is my fault. English is
not how do you say, I don't know first language? Yes, yes,
not easy for me. Um, how about this? Bring your
attention to the last special love the day? That is?
That is umb? The hell about the other two? What
is called? We call it? Jacob? Jacob? It is a
(29:06):
a small baby. Um. Yeah, that was a salmon cooked
uh fried fried baby fried baby legs. Uh. The tummy
comes baked and baby legs. That and and the brain
it must be a language thing, I mean, and the
brain is tartar is the salmon on a bet of
(29:29):
jasmine rice? The salmon I want? I don't know. Just
as soon as he said salmon, I got really excited
about salmon. It's the cargo another dish? I car, please
you have? You just choose one, two or three? And honey,
I think I want the salmon. That salmon does sound good,
(29:51):
but I don't know. That's number three sounded really good.
The fried baby, like, what the hell is? And what
does the cargo? The cargo I think has to be
unloaded first, so I'm not gonna wait for that. So
it's a great that's what you're the same thing? Yeah,
just a mystery box or something uncooked food potentially. Are
you saying crepes create create a great crepes? Great? Thank you? Okay,
(30:14):
now it is me, the chef. I'm going to take
your orders. I'll start with this love the couple here?
Where the hell are the servants for YouTube? Man? Have
you've never been to lapite Le Petit chateau before? This
is how it works. The chef I've been the chef,
barely speaking, comes out, addresses the entire restaurant. It tells
them what their options are, table table too. Seriously, why
(30:36):
don't you work with him? He's a great chef. What
are you gonna be a dick? I mean, I'm table one?
Are you Okay, I'm not talking to you. What the
hell I heard you wanted to be salmon? But the
Jacob is also very good? This Simon year. Now, I
think I'm gonna go with the salmon. Okay, now that
it comes on the bed of jasmine rice. So it does?
(30:57):
It does ja? It does for you. H'll take I'll
take the Jacob. The Jacob terrific. Is there a wine
pairing with that? There is? Yes, it's called Mama's milk.
Say that right, Mama's me don't know that's correct? Chef
now that's correct, chef. Okay, thank you. I mean anything
you say is correct if we don't know what it is.
(31:19):
And I get the baby legs, uh by the olive
cart the baby legs Ali carte okay, fried baby legs. Okay.
So we're just calling out and you take our order.
You shut me down before. Okay, I'm now coming to you, sir. Okay, great, yeah,
I I you don't. I'm gonna try the cargo. I
gotta know what the hell that is. Okay, cargo special. Okay,
(31:40):
did you maybe you can just do ether neet, you know,
rather than go through WiFi. Well, if I don't plug
it all the way in, the WiFi is just not
going to give me the super HD Netflix I'm looking for,
God damn it. You know again, I don't want to
be a stickler. Everyone has HD, and just saying super
HD Netflix doesn't make it any other any other delivery
(32:02):
of if WiFi, then you don't have super HD Netflix.
Look sir, we gotta get this WiFi connection thing fixed
and then we're gonna go out there and see whether
people are serving and eating babies out there. Okay, alright, alright,
so you're telling you what there wait a minute, I'm sorry. Uh,
you're telling me that not all of our Netflix subscribers
(32:24):
are using either not cables and therefore can't get the
super HD. That's what I'm saying, sir. Yes, so that
some of them are using WiFi? Yes? Or most most
people are using WiFi? Yes, sir? And do you in
fact no what WiFi stands for? Simpson? Uh? What inferior? Funk? Fuck? Fuck?
(32:46):
I don't. I don't know, sir, I don't. Clearly you don't.
I don't know. I don't know, sir. Do you know what?
I'm sorry to interrupt, Just want to let you know
there's a full catered lunch outside. There's baby knuckles okay, yeah, funnels?
Whether you know? Whenever you're ready to go out and
pick yourself a plate, fried baby legs. Yes, there's fried
baby legs. Can I get a plate? Sure? I'll but
(33:09):
went together for you, Thank you very much. Brenda and Thompson.
You don't you don't get a plate? Now? Send Simpson
in here? Is that me? I'm simp Do you want
do you want me to come in and out? Do
you want me to walk into just turn around? Wow,
looks like you are almost do uh, welcome to the hospital.
(33:33):
Thank you. It's pretty customary for expecting mother's parents to
take a walk through the hospital so they know what
they're going to be in for the day of the
of the birth. So, um, yes, can I get it?
Can I get a wheelchair? I'm exhausted. I haven't sure,
of course, of course. Please please have a sleep. Now
(33:55):
I'm gonna take you on this tour. It's gonna be
about five minutes. I'll show you the various rooms and
where you're gonna be, or I can tell you about
another option. I'm interested. I like that. I hate it
when people talk to me for over five minutes. I'm
with you, I'm with you. How do you How does this?
How does dollars in cash sound to you? Right now?
(34:17):
It sounds amazing. I'll do anything. You and I we
are on the same level. Now. Look, I'm a doctor,
but I'm also a baby dealer. Oh here's what I'm saying.
You look beautiful, ma'am. Thank you. Great jeans. I'm surprise
(34:37):
you can still fit into them. I'm surprised too. Now
now there's a market for delicious, delicious baby. You're salivating
all over me. Sorry, have you ever had fried baby thigh.
I've never been rich enough. Oh exactly, I'm a doctor.
(34:59):
I can afford with that stuff. But now I can
make your dreams come true. So if you're interested, I'll
wire that money to you, and instead of you coming
to the hospital tomorrow when you were too you come
to my place. I take care of it. I know
a chef, bing bang boom. I'm sorry, I'm a married man, Walter.
I'm sorry. We're gonna have to shut down Little League.
(35:20):
There's just not enough kids anymore. There's not enough kids.
I mean, I'm sure the next season of kids are
going to come in. It's sports. When you say there's
not enough kids for the little thing, you mean, I'm sure.
Maybe we just gotta do some next season of kids.
(35:42):
I'm sorry to bother you guys. Has anyone seeing the
Kokowski kids? The Kokowski kids used to be on my
baseball team. But I think, right right, they're supposed to
meet me here, they're supposed to meet Are you a
relative of theirs? Are you just some crazed man who's
asking I am I run this part? What's going on?
All right? Well, sir, what are you doing here? I'm
(36:05):
a shaperne for the Kokoski kids. Watching all the questions here,
have you seen the kids or not? I haven't seen
the kids. Watch't pizza parlor? Thank you? What the hell
is going? What did you season the kids? I'm just
saying that every baseball season, a fresh bunch of kids
sign up. Understand what I'm saying is the last two
seasons we've been down kids. Well maybe we gotta advertise,
(36:28):
so maybe we put up that this that's been to
my house as if you would please, I'm very excited
to hear about the new batch of babies that you
brought for us with a black market. If you could
describe DC what kind of babies are we talking about? Okay, okay, okay,
tell me this doesn't get your goat? How delicious does
(36:49):
Norwegian jew sound? Hold on a second, pete, the goat
put a socket? Thank you? Ah? What kind of jew? Norwegian?
That sounds pretty nice? Let me strong very strange, please
please please let me see how this gets my go pete.
(37:11):
What do you think Norwegian jew? Oh? With tomato sauce,
oh and garlic bread? Keep talking alright, fat so, Look,
everybody in this town apparently is eating babies, But you're
(37:33):
the only one who was slow enough that we could catch.
I haven't eaten any babies. Yeah yeah, come on, every
everyone's eating baby. There's no children left in this town.
Come on, people are buying infants at eighty tho pop
and twent bucks. I don't know how financially that's working out.
(37:56):
What what is it? Cap? We're having problems with the
WiFi in the station. We need to back at the station.
But you're the only one who figured you stay. You
stay right here and don't any more babies. Oh I
would never. Oh yeah, of course you will look at
your cheeses. Okay, and now for the final course here
(38:16):
at Uh, there is no it wasn't it wasn't great
for the record, there is no choices. It's chef's choice. Uh.
You will all be getting out a cup of green baby,
a boop, green baby, a poop, big great baby pop delicacy.
(38:43):
And there you are. Now, please place the towels over
your head so as not to let to the aroma escape. Yes,
close your eyes. My towel is dirty towel to put
them over your heads, wet and dirty, and let there
you go. Oh this is nice, Yes, thank you. Can
(39:08):
I get a new towel. It's I don't know, no,
really hitting the mommy portion of my tongue. Yes, yes,
and that concludes experience. It really hits the back of
your vula. Okay, Now, if you can all step up
and pay cash or venom me pay cash. I only
(39:29):
have a car. That should have been told us before
we sat down to eat. Sorry, sir, it's eight hundred
and forty eight dollars eighty dollars for an open crate
of cheese and cabbage with this cargo was Steve listen,
I want you to go to let Petite Something, this restaurant.
I've been there, kay. I want you to go in there,
(39:50):
and I want you to do everything you can. I
want you to disrupt everyone's meal. I want you to
be the worst patron in any restaurant has ever experienced. Really,
I can't tell you I already did that. What do
you mean when I ate baby shit? And I had
a wet crap towel over my neck and then my
hair couldn't get that smell out for a while. And
(40:13):
rate of cabbage and cheese, the salmon, it was raw
on a bed of jasmine, uncooked rice. It was hell.
It was now ma'am. Um, I'm so glad you chose
to sell your baby. Um. There was one issue, Um
during the delivery, the wife I cut out. Oh oh god,
(40:33):
So you know that's a problem or not. Definitely not HD.
Definitely not h D because we kept the cord. You understand,
So here's what we can do. You didn't plug the
ethernet into the router. I mean, this is unbelievable. Most
women dollars. I wanted super HD baby. You didn't pay
(40:54):
a d We're paying you. That's right now. Most women
who come in here are a little more high death
if I'm being honest. Okay, yes, yes, The intersection of
those two things is salmon. Okay, yes, okay, okay. My
(41:14):
baby is going to be like the most delicious locks
that have ever well assisted you got locks, baby. At
this point, we're going to use your baby for parts
because it's going to be appetizers. No entrees available here.
As soon as the HD cut out, it got wonky.
The grade lowered agreed to that. Have you seen ugly delicious?
(41:38):
I wanted you too ugly delicious my baby. I wanted
you to cook him under rocks on a beach that
are hot. I wanted him to be a full locks baby.
That isn't your choice, ma'am. The only thing you can
say yes or no two is how you want me
to pay you the eighty thou dollars. Okay, Reginald, listen,
(41:59):
we're try to lay down some tracks. We appreciate you
coming in today. Full Locks Baby, I guess is the
name of your song. So whenever you're ready, we're recording Boom.
(42:27):
I got my babies, back babies, back babies, back knock babies.
I'm sorry I stopped playing when you started singing. Uh, yeah,
that's the that's a meat thing. Yeah, Phil, what's the problem, Phil?
(42:50):
I man, Uh, this guy's energy freaked me out. Yeah,
I'm sorry. I are you ready to go? You'll make
some adjustments. Yeah, I'm just talking to make eye contact
with Plenny start singing. You got me in a trance.
(43:15):
It was just all right, let's go again. This will
me take two? Full Salmon baby, locks Baby, Sorry, full
locks Baby, can you get your keep? Bring your music again?
(43:35):
And I want my baby. I'm sorry. I'm sorry again.
I forgot what I was playing. I forgot my melody.
This guy, this guy's energy just freaks you. It just
(43:57):
freaks me out. Why we're all we're all studio musicians.
We are, Yeah, we are. You're the thing. But yeah, okay, um,
so what's the problem. I'm gonna take a break. I
can't take a break. I paid you by the hour.
(44:22):
I just forgot what I'm supposed to play. I forgot.
I really don't even know to put my atrement at
the moment. Your energy is just if you can put
a handle on his energy, how would you describe it?
I mean, freaky, freaky, freaky. It's just like I look
in his eyes, I see babies. But but I'm looking
at a man. I'm looking at an adult man who's
too heavy, just too heavy. I'll tell you what. Let's
(44:43):
just try one more and then we call it a day. Alright,
one more, here we go and three two boom boom boom. Okay,
now we're going all right. I want my baby spacks,
baby spacks, baby spack. Say so, we're not gonna use me,
We're just not gonna have me. Well, I didn't think
(45:06):
you were coming. I never heard you. I was I'm
afraid that's our show today. Me. Bless each and every
damn ridiculous one of you. Uh let's thank all of
our alchemists. Thanks. Check to see if we got a
(45:26):
third scene. I don't feel it in me. No, sorry,
just kidding. Scene three comes to patron v I p
Paul Hatton, who wrote Hike Kevin. My dad taught me
to always start with something positive or hot. So here
I go. Dad's Chris and Joey. You're my gylhs pause
(45:50):
for high fives. I love you, but I can't keep
this al command crime to myself. I'm sure you've heard
about the latest Make a Wish scandal. They were on
the way to grant some icelantic kid Icelandic kid wish
when they discovered the kid was actually a genie. Love
(46:13):
Paul Hatten from Maryland. Check it in for American Airlines
flight to Icelandic. Yes, here it is. That's one an ID. Yeah,
there you go. Okay, do you wait for one more
form of identification? My mail is not good enough. We're
(46:35):
asking your mail, sir. No, this is a gas bill.
I'm sorry, I'm his mail. Hey, maybe I have a
boarding passes here and I have both of our I
d s here. Well, thank you very much. You're clearly
the organized one. Yeah maybe you? Oh, I did all
(46:56):
my setups in the way over here? Were you talking
to him? Do you call him babe? No? I say,
I handed him to stuff and I called you babe.
What the hellse what? What do you? What are you
doing this? Because you're so handsome? I don't know, but
it's like it's like a twenty hour flight that we're
gonna be on. Yeah, you want to start a fight now? No, No,
I was saying, I did my setups just like you
asked me to. You know what, why don't you go?
The maker wish said you first? You you do it? No,
(47:18):
they want both of us, they're no do they do?
They do they? You know? They purchase want you? Sam?
What are you talking to me or him? You're okay? What?
You're great, You're hot, you're smart, you're strong. Okay, okay, okay, okay,
okay maybe board Yes you may. Both of you have
(47:44):
a terrific flight. Thank you take a place. Welcome to
rek you vic Air. He may I give you some
nice cold nuts to make your flight more enjoyable. I mean,
you guys are so hot, and thank you, thank you
(48:05):
so arny for you. Here is an extra pair of
nuts for each of you. Well, we already have an
extra pair. We we like each other. We don't like you, ma'am.
That's too bad. Yeah, like you like each other very much.
(48:25):
We're you just got a huge fight before we got
on the plane. He has a lot of insecurity issues,
and that's okay because we're working through that. What the
hell are you doing? You're just gonna air all my
ship out right now? It's just her. No one else
is even Let me tell you know what. I'm gonna
tell you about something about him. Okay, ma'am, you don't
have to steak around for this. If you, I would
love to. You're the only two passengers on this entire flight. Okay, go.
(48:50):
He can't go to sleep unless there's a music plane.
What do you think about that? And and baba, Yeah,
there's a specific song that just puts me out and
(49:11):
I need it. Okay. I guess I'm not perfect there,
I'm not perfect. Yes, I'm saying, if it bothers him,
why don't you listen to earbuds or you know, noise
canceling head? No, thank you. I don't know how you do.
In icelandic in America, we listen to our music the
way we want to, which is out loud, mess, mess,
excuse me. I'm sorry. My husband and I was seated separately,
(49:33):
and I'm hoping one of these two gentlemen could switch seats.
Did not see you on the plane down here? Yes?
Thank you? So we love to switch. One of these gentlemens,
would you switch with my husband? Couldn't wait? Okay, fantastic, Roger, Roger, honey, Okay,
one of these, one of these two fagolas would love
(49:57):
to switch seats. And if the hell is wrong with you, lady,
what the hell is it? You know what? I want
to get in another flight with my husband? Okay. We
are here at the kid's house. Okay, we're gonna knock
in just a moment, but I want you and I
to be good. We're gonna grant this kid a wish
or his wishes to hang out with two hot dads. Okay,
(50:24):
I'm knocking, knock, knock, knock, Yes, come in please, Hey, Hi, Hey,
what's up? Hello? Are you are the Delphs? I ordered? Yeah?
Well yeah, yeah, order, Yeah, that's funny way to put it. Yes,
we are here. We understand that you are sick, and
we want to make your day a little better. I
(50:44):
am very sick. I'm dying. Okay, did you want to
us to take our shirts off or you know, do
anything cool? That would be nice to start with. Well,
I'm gonna just dribble this basketball like shooting doors? Is
that ze cool? Yeah? Absolutely, I can't notice. You're um,
you can't notice. I'm just gonna say, I can't help,
(51:06):
but notice part of me I'm told on what is
going on? That kid is blue. He's sick. He's sick.
That's why he has a whisp instead of legs. He's
got like just air. Is that with that little whispy
it's a little air part. It's just way he's sick.
He's sick, okay, kind of sickness. No, I don't know.
Maybe he's got Does he have a little ponytail on
top of his head? I don't know. I don't know.
(51:28):
Maybe he's just sick anyways, wearing a red belt. Look, look,
I don't know what the hell they do it Niceland.
I don't know what kind of trolls if here ogres
that curse keep people in all that crap. A lot
of old ship here, a lot of old ship. Okay, okay,
so let's just do the job. Get the hell out
of here. Okay, what is our job? Exactly? Our job
is to make a wish? Fair? Okay, young man, Okay,
(51:51):
I'm listening again. Okay, what's your name? My name is
gun Gooner. Okay, nice to meet. So here we are.
What can we do for you? Budd Hey, what the
fund is going on here? Dooner? You still owe me
two wishes? Who are these guys? Oh? No, oh, who
(52:12):
are hey? Hey, Sara, back up this kid. This child
is sick. Okay, child, and we're the one making wishes. Okay, buddy,
Oh no, no, no, no, no, dooner, what are you
doing with these guys? Um? They have come all the
way from America to grant my wish, to bring your wish.
You're my Genie, Genie Genie. I know that word, Genie, Genie,
(52:36):
Genie Genie Tumberly. And she lived down the block from us.
Oh my gosh, I remember Genie. She was like a jumper.
You guys are trying to get wishes from my Genie.
You're barking up the wrong tree. Get out of here,
Jesus Christ, put that knife. Yeah look you're American. Were American?
All right? Look we we we get this Okay, we're
from Make a Wish Foundation. Do you understand you know
(52:57):
I had to use one of my three wishes to
get out here to Icelandia. Okay, so I don't know
I have to use it. Yeah what I said, Iceland. Well,
it doesn't matter. Listen, I've got two more wishes, and
if you're not careful, I'll wish you guys out of existence.
(53:17):
Please do what please do? Alright, gooner, I wish okay,
slighting it properly never existed. You wish that these two
guys never existed existed? Okay, your wishes granted. Hey, Tanya,
(53:45):
sorry to just come under your office, but uh, some
of the maker wishes that we've been receiving from the
you know, the kids side and all that, Uh, they're
just flooding in here and we're not really vetting kind
of who's who's getting the wish. I just want to
kind of bring it to your attention. You know, Tom
Brady is starting he's kind of given up on this
(54:07):
whole thing, Like he can only go to Disneyland so
many times. So we find some other guy. Well, I
mean there's a lot not there's not that many kids.
The seasons of kids are getting shorter and shorter, and uh,
we're getting here. Seasons of kids is frequently right, right,
and and so maybe I just this is my hunchy hunch,
(54:30):
but maybe they're magical creatures that are asking for the witch. Now. Look,
I know I'm probably get fired for saying that I
get it, But that's what my that's what my gut says.
I mean, I've always thought that, you know what, here's
my badge, here's my gun. I get it. Make a wish?
Jesus Christ, do we not. There's no one else, no
(54:52):
one else has that. Okay, I'll take it back. I'll
take it back. Um, Roger, tell me exactly what you think.
Do you think these are magical creatures who are wanting
wishes from make a wish? Yes, yeah, exactly. I mean
(55:13):
I don't have more clear it can be. I mean
it's fairly obvious. I mean, look at the letters that
we're getting. I mean, look at this paper. Look at
the paper feels like water. That makes a guy nam sense,
That makes no sense. Only magical creatures could have this. Now. Look,
I grew up on a farm. Neighbors were witches, goblins
were living underground. I'm familiar with the magic world. So
(55:34):
what do you mean that this is a Make a
Wish follow up visit? Is this standard? Yeah? Yeah, they're
saying that I'm still sick or what. Yeah, we're just
just checking on me, making sure you're good. Do you
mind checking the back room tiny making sure see if
there's okay? Yeah, so, uh, just checking in on your
your sickness. I'm clearly a sick Icelandic child and that's
(55:56):
some sort of magical creature. No, of course, of course
I wouldn't think you wouldn't be. It was good, that's right, beauty.
Look at horse. It's got a horn and wings. Crazy,
the horns going right off it's back. What the hell
is this? What the hell is this? Guner? Supposed to
be a unicorn? But the guy dam horns coming off
(56:18):
its back. That it's a little bit of Kyle, what
the hell you doing back here? You're telling me you
used one of your wishes to go to Icelandia. Well,
it was I wanted to have a dream house mansion
in Islandia, and it turns out there was no such place.
(56:38):
So I went to Iceland then to make sure two
guys who were there didn't ever exist. And then your
third wish was to come back to Kansas City. It
was probably a mistake to come back to him. It
wasn't a steak, asshole. Well, I was worried. Okay, I
thought that maybe I changed the spacetime continuing with my
wish of making people. Probably did, but we still got
(57:00):
live in this fucking studio apartment. Now my bad knock knock, hello, ship,
your rent is due. Hello, Hey, Bubba Bubba, just give
us one second. You know, you know Kyle went went
to Icelanda and he knows the genie. So we're gonna
have you went to Iceland. Yeah, you have money for
a ticket and going across the countries, but you don't
(57:20):
get money for rent. Listen, the money, the money was spent.
Don't worry about it. I got to hook up to
a genie. Uh, we'll get your rent by the third. Hey, Bubba,
Bubba bubba, what if what if we pay rent this
month by introducing you to this genie? He gives you
a wisch No no no no no no no no
no no. What do you say to that? Maybe maybe
(57:41):
you got you got to do it. Thank you, Hey,
I was gonna get you to meet the Genie and
you were going to get the wishes. Now he's gonna
get the witches wiches. My wish would have been to
pay rent well, I mean that would have been a
great wish. But now we're gonna let him have wishes. Look,
we're not good at wishing, and maybe that speaks about
(58:02):
the type of people we are. Yeah, even thinking about
that now, I mean it's all I've been thinking about
since I got back to this stupid studio apartment Kansas.
You know, nothing sounds sadder than a wish wasted the
wasted wishes? Who wants for wasted wishes? I don't want
what that means? Huh what for wastes gets? It gets
(58:26):
me in my head and it gets it gets me
out of my head. I want my babies, backs, babies, backs, babies, sacks.
Turn that music off that I believe is our show today. Wait,
(58:47):
there's one more scene. No, thank you all so much.
Thank you out there for listening and hanging with us.
We hope we're bringing something to your lives. Please let
us know by writing to us at your name here
at Alchemy the dot com. I want to thank all
the Alchemists, starting with miss Jessica Loo, thank you so much.
(59:07):
How's puppy great? Excellent, um, and thank you so very
much for joining us, and stay healthy please uh. And
Craig Kokowski, thanks for having me as always. Hope everybody's
staying safe and healthy out there. Thank you for that.
Let's post some photos of your kids if we can
on Instagram, coming up, okay. Chris Alvarado, thank you, buddy,
(59:35):
thank you, thank you. And just a quick uh note
to the people out there, Joey Greer has been doing
a good job doing some alchemy this live stuff on
our Instagram, so keep following that, keep checking in there
because it's a lot of fun to internect the listeners.
Chris and I have done a hang with Joey on there,
a live one, and we're gonna be doing some more
of those, so look for those to Thank you for that, Chris.
(59:56):
Maybe the next one will be with Craig Ktkowski or
Jessica Low you don't speaking of which, James Heeney, thank
you so much, buddy, thanks for having me. Yeah. Every Wednesday,
seven pm Pacific Standard time, Twitch dot TV Forward Slash
Westside Comedy Theater, you'll see a Bear Supply show. Bear
Supply Love that so damn much. Joseph of Greerman, Thanks buddy,
(01:00:21):
Thank you, Keep love alive, keeping the lava alive, keep
you lama alive. Man help me. Thank our wonderful producer
and engineer of the stars who makes the recording all
this uh possible, if not exceptional, Mr Doug Bain, and
(01:00:42):
the fine folks that I heard media fum fumpumals. I
am your host, Kevin Pollack, love you so damn much.
Please stay extremely healthy until next time. Alchemy yea and
I and I pull and I put all per
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy' COVID nine edition.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yest that, Kevin poll No,
I do love you all. No, no, all of you. No,
I'm not going to point to the ones that I don't.
I'm kind of pointing at you right there. Nope, not
her him, Yep, that's the one. But I digress. Let's
(00:24):
mean our Alchemist in no particular order. Shall we say
hello to Greig Katkowski? First? What was the last occasion
that you wore a bathing suit? Because I don't. I
can't picture it like ever picture the Roaring twenties, picturing
(00:44):
one of those full lengths strides body suits with a
flap in the back for my um. I'm really having
a hard time coming up with it. Uh yeah, I
can't remember the last time I swam, or I I
owned one. I think, yeah, sure, no reason to use it.
That's one of the real secrets about Los Angeles that
(01:06):
nobody outside of California knows is that we don't go
to the beach. Not a thing. It's not who ordered
the tomato. There's Jessica Lowe. Colonel jess Up, why did
you order the code red? I ordered the mountain dew
code red because they haven't seen it on a menu
and over ten years. Yeah see, I'm just hearing about
(01:30):
this code red mountain dew connection. Jerry. It's delicious. It's
very bad for you. It's everything I need in my
body right now. Yes, there is an allowance. And let's
let's face it. Either you're gaining the quarantine fifteen or
you're not. No. One staying stagnant. I am obsessed with
(01:51):
gaining exactly one pound. Let's see how we do. Um.
Good lord, it's Chris Alvarado. Good lord, Chris, no dis
How do you feel about the numbers seventy two through
eighty three? I like I like the seventies. I like
the seven. It feels like a good if it feels
(02:13):
good in my brain. The eight feels chunky, chunky, A
little chunky, like two big circles, like chunky, but like
seventy two boom. Maybe can I help you maybe visualize
the eight as a snowman is a poker term for eight.
Snowman still chunky? Hey any up? You know what I mean?
(02:35):
I know poker. I got your back. Uh wait wait,
check the oven. It's James Eeny Jimmy charcoal gray. What's
your favorite thing to wear during this damn quarantine and
are you wearing it now? My favorite thing to wear
is my fall out Vault one oh one costume that
I made, but it's too hard to wash, so I
(02:59):
only wear it on special occasions because I made it
with electrical well it's actually yellow duct tape. But second
best is this outfit right here. This vest is the
best I got married in. I love a vest with
a lapel. I'm just gonna say it always been a fan.
Uh you got married in that vest. You were wearing
(03:19):
nothing else as I was wearing. I was wearing a
different shirt and a different tie, but I had this
vest on in the wedding. It was an outdoor bo
hoo style wedding. Joey was there and was he the
best man? Because that doesn't make any sense. Its so funny.
This is almost an embarrassing thing. We didn't let any
(03:39):
of our friends sit at the wedding. They had to
send at the like building and watch the wedding from afar. Now,
in our wedding photos, we have a whole bunch of
tea chairs. So before the quarantine, you decided to quarantine
your friends from your wedding. Day of wedding, he comes
into where we are, like all of us are getting
(04:00):
He's like, guys, and he's pretty nervous, and he's like,
you know, naturally and and understandable. He's like, so, um,
I don't know if you should I'll do my day. Guys,
I don't know if you should do you should come
to you should come to the wedding. We're like why.
He's like, I just don't know, and I can tell
you a little nervous. He's like, we don't think there's
going to be enough seats, is what he said, So
(04:21):
no one can come so well, and you know, I
don't I didn't know what was happening, but I just
wanted to respect the groom rather than choosing who gets
to sit in here. No one does, so we're like,
you got it. We came to the and we were
suspecting that maybe there was someone on either side of
the family that was embarrassed with us, you know what
(04:42):
I mean, or maybe that we'd like cause us something.
So we we were like, all right, we'll just chill.
We end up going to the the wedding party hammered
out of our fucking minds because we're just drinking, like
waiting to go, so we end up getting their trashed,
we don't We like joined the party at Gear eight.
We had a blast. It was a really really fun one,
(05:02):
I'm sure, but what you can remember from it was
incredibly very little. And James remember Joey's behavior that day,
he would behave really well. There was only one person
whose behavior I'm disappointed in, and I won't talk about it. No,
my wife did pretty good. She did good. It was
one of the groomsmen, and I don't think it would
(05:24):
be appropriate for me to tell the stories of my
frustration with it. Somebody taking pills and getting to ft up.
You know, well they know who they are, don't they.
They do. There was only one groomsmen doing pills at
my wedding. His name is mog No. I'm working so
well behaved, that's true. That's potentially why it was funny.
(05:46):
Joe blow below my sink? Would you rather take your
chances with the virus or atten day? Five hour easter
zoom dinner man? This is crazy? You know what the
zoom because I'll tell you why, Because uh, I can
(06:06):
leave when I want, howevers, I can't nice. You know,
I can't get out, so I have not one true
So thank you for that. All right, let's do a
damn show first. A note from Patreon v I P
member Corey Booth, who wrote we need more of Joey's
Can I have twenty dollars? Lady? I have listened to
(06:31):
that episode at least a dozen times just because I
can't stop. Can I get that's her? Does she have
a name? By the way? Uh? And yet no? Alright,
for the moment that I'll put it back on you,
Corey Booth, give the Can I have twenty lady? A name?
Won't you? Um? And thank you, Corey Booth. Our v
(06:54):
I P from the Patreon. All of our scene suggestions
come from either patroon v I P s or your
listener emails. If you'd like to submit your listener email,
please write to the podcast at your name here at
alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy.
This doctor doesn't help Joey see. Number one comes from
Patreon al come Aniac Joseph, who wrote Kevin my next suggestion.
(07:21):
The CDC creates a SWAT team to respond to people
not complying with social distancing. You're awesome. I love what
you do, Joseph. All right, team, we are on route
to public parks, beaches, any open space. Can the area
all right? Captain? You're breaking up? Breaking up? Captain? Can
(07:45):
you hear me? No? I can hear you. Okay, we
are all in separate tubes. Can you hear me? I
heard something about your wife? Someone my wife? What do
you hear about my wife? I can hear you? Just fine?
Hold up? What's going on with my wife? What did
you hear? She's not a witch? She is not a witch?
(08:05):
Wife got we got surprise party invites from your wife,
and we're not supposed to tell you about it, but
I think we need to let you know we're headed
to break up the party for you, Hank, Why would
you why would you say that we're supposed to be
c d C members swatting out these people breaking rules
and it's his wife's fault. There I said it. Sorry man, sorry,
(08:28):
cap Look, if it's a party, if it's a party
for me, I think we can let it slide, all right.
I think we can let this one slide. Okay. And again,
she's not a witch, she's not a witch. Well, we
have heard that that that's going around. Okay, she's not
all right, let's just get that off the table, all right.
She's got a pointy hat. That's just the way her
(08:50):
head is. Any hat she wears, it looks like that. Okay,
all right now listen, listen up. We got one job
to do after my surprise party. How many people were invited?
That's it? Just all right. Whatever we're told we're not
allowed to be in your house though, right, we're supposed
to be in the garage or something. We can let
this slide. We can go into the family room and
(09:12):
going the tea room. It doesn't matter what your wife
and her tubes said. She said, we all have to
gather in the garage. Is anyone's gonna back me up
on this? Yeah, that's exactly what she said. In the
garage is a smaller room than anywhere else in your house.
This is allowed to be there. She kind of cackled it.
To be honest, she's not a witch, all right. You
(09:35):
gotta believe it. You gotta believe Cap Brinton. She's not
a witch. All right. Now, Look, we're gonna get in there,
have some cake, and I hope you brought up present.
If you didn't, you will be reprimanded. Have you never
seen her on or near a broom? Of course, she's
on all the time. Loves sweeping, loves, sweeping, loves kids.
M hmm. Okay, Now we gotta focus up. We got
(09:58):
one job to do. What is it today, cap We
got to disperse any group of people that are out
in public. All right. We're gonna be hitting parks, beaches,
open spaces. What if they're out there because of essential needs?
Now we take them down? All right? No one outside
is that clear? Mask? Gloves still not good if you
(10:19):
see masks and gloves. Walk around, Papa, Papa. I'm I'm
going to my positivity walk, Okay. I believe that I
can heal the world by just walking around this neighborhood
and just spraying the world of positivity. You're a good boy,
my son. I know you're so sick. If if you
(10:42):
have time to pick me up, that would be so nice. Yes, yes,
oh gosh, it's a wet cough. It's safe, it's a
wet cough. Okay, okay, okay, I'm going on that positivity walk. Okay, Okay,
I love you, Papa, Papa. Yes, what is it? I
(11:06):
have a baked m a protein of cookies for all
of our neighbors. I'm going to go deliver them to
every single neighbor, Mrs White, Mrs Vasquez, Mr Domino, I
want to deliver all the cookies so they can stay
alive and they don't have to leave their house. Oh
(11:26):
you are a good girl. I I raised you right
particularly Mr Domino. I think it's gonna like that cookie.
I am so proud of you. And if you have
a moment to pick up a kombucha for me, oh yes,
I will try to find the kombucha man. Okay, he's around.
I know he's around the somewhere. He stop up to
(11:49):
talk to Mr Kambucha. Ma, what do you need that?
I would like a one ginger lemonade the kombucha for
my papa. A little girl out to wait your damn time?
Who's next? Who was next? I was? Have you served
veterans yet? What? Um forces? Serving active military? I'm not.
(12:16):
I just wanted to know, you want to know for what?
I just want to know if you've if you've served them,
what do you care well like? I just want to know.
This little girl wants to come butcher for her father.
But instead, I'm talking to you. Why are you talking
like this? When you kicked her out of the line,
there was a line. CDC swat CDC, swat down the fingers.
(12:42):
What do you have their, little girl? You got a
bunch of cookies there? He hasn't trying to deliver protein
the cookies to all of my relatives. I'll do neighbors.
I'm just trying to give him stra little back. Wipe
down those cookies, white down. Who got the Clark's wipe?
Wipe them down? I dude, yes, good haul, good haul. Alright,
(13:06):
let's clean this area up. All right. Break all those
kompucha pobbles, kompucha popples, break them up, break them up.
We get all my palate duck to sell it to people.
You got head decidled man, they have to take away
of my business. Is an essential need? Much popples are
(13:30):
an essential business? Then you have not tried these? Well,
I'll try one. What is that that is nice? What
are you doing? I'm I am inspecting the evidence, thinking
very much. You know, I'm having a surprise party later here.
Won't you take this flyer? Won't you? You You can come
if you won't bring the kombucha to look, I got
(13:53):
this Brenton over right. Okay, little girl, you're invited as well. Okay,
bring some more cookies. This is really taste. You're inviting
people to your own surprise party. Well it's not a
surprise party. Mark, You're ruined. It didn't you. You're fucking nark. Okay, Now,
my wife is not a witch. Let's just get that clear.
(14:13):
She does have a lot of wards, but out of safety,
maybe the children shouldn't come in case she is a witch. Okay, listen,
all right, now we gotta set up a perimeter. It
looks like this neighborhood is hot. It is active, but
these are all wet coughs. Speaking a hot zone, cap
I got a message for your wife, if you wouldn't
(14:34):
mind passing it along? Sure to what to who? It's
from my wife? So is it to me or no?
The messages to your wife? Okay, speaking of hot zones.
So she's told you something to tell me? What is Yeah,
that's why she's told she's told you something to tell me. Okay,
what do I need to tell you? You need to
tell me what she thinks. Okay, gentlemen, we need right
(14:57):
now to set up a perimeter. About a hundred eat
by a hundred feet. All right, positivity, walk positivity, song positivity,
walk positivity. Stop listen, you're about to cross into what
we were barricading this area. It's a hot zone. That's perfect,
(15:19):
that's perfect. I can douse any hot zones with my positivity.
I don't think that's how it works. Have you ever
heard of turning or frown open side down? Well, when
I was a kid, but that I mean I'm an adult.
You're still a kid. Dr Faucci. Dr Fucci, at the
reports are and it looks like the disease can't handle positivity.
(15:45):
You know we're doing the best week? What wait? Wait?
Are you sure? I look at the reports here, Stanford University,
Judgia Tech, WHOA. All of them say positivity will kill
the virus. How do we get the people to be positive? Though?
They seem pretty upset so negative? I don't know. I
(16:07):
don't know, but there seems here if you look at
this chart, I see the charts, and I see the tests,
and what I'm wondering, look at this very good? Now,
now try skipping a little bit. I can't skip, just
skip a little bit. Okay, Well, is anybody looking all right. Okay,
look at you. That looks like it's seeming little skipping.
(16:30):
Shut up, shut up, sister. Oh this is your sister. Yes,
she was invited to a party. Later, you're going to
a party. Yeah, I'm going to bring all the protein
cookies except for the one for Mr Domino. Oh, Mr Domino, Sir, sir,
do you know Mr Domino? Yes? I wasn't thought. Oh
(16:52):
who are you? I'm Mr Domino? Oh, then ship, I
didn't recognize you outside of usually. Are you talking to
me through your screen door? Sir with the CDC? This
is Mr Dominos in our neighborhood. Hello, Hi, what can
I do for you? Well, this whole area is considered
(17:14):
a hot zone. So would we really like you to
do is go back inside your how speaking of hot zone,
if you've seen the Captain's wife, she's a witch. I
don't want to she's a hot number. I wouldn't get
even close to her because she's a witch. I would
ride that broom all night, if you know what I'm saying.
I don't know you'd ride a broom heart room. You
(17:42):
know what? Mr Domino likes to take big long objects
up his butt. That here only from caps wife hm,
I only take it from the CAP's wife. Okay, I'm
gonna leave you too. I'm gonna skip into the hot zone.
And it is okay, my pretties. A captain sergeant is
(18:06):
going to be arriving any moment, so we need to
spread out, spread out among the garage six ft away,
six ft away, my previous stop getting to house six
six away. Maybe we should garage. It's just there's not
(18:28):
a lot of room in here for six ft distance.
Well him that I will eat you. Yes, saved me
the ass. Ding dong, ding dong. Honey, I'm coming in. Hide,
(18:49):
I'll hide in the ass. We're six ft publish nothing
the place to hide unless we get close to each
other invisibility. Spell my skin, my skin. Honey, I'm gonna
come in. Honey, Honey, I'm gonna come in. Honey, I'm
(19:12):
gonna come in. Guy, look at that. I'm surprised. I
brought the tea, money, all the team. And who is
this little girl? I am here with the two last
protein cookies that I made this morning. Why are you
(19:32):
looking at me like that protein cookie? Why are you
licking your lips? Why is your skin turning green? Was
this protein cookie? Up Mr Domino's ass. Yes, it was
happy birthday, dear happy Oh wow cake, get this little
(20:00):
familiar as are you doing, little buddy? Uh? Alright, so uh,
I expect everyone to sing me happy birthday, and then
after that everyone gonna slice the cake. Mingle for a
moment and let's hit the road once more. Yeah, Captain Sarge,
we got We got an entire village to the knockdown. Ye.
Did I understand what we're supposed to do. But don't
(20:23):
let this get in the way of being normal. And
your wife, by the way, definitely a witch. Definitely. Can
I talk to you for a second, Can talk to you?
Come into my bathroom? All right? What the hell is
going on with you? Get out of my face? Man,
what get the hell out of my goddamne oh am,
I am? I am? I damn that kombucha really fucked
(20:46):
me up. Did you get a kombucha? Are you talking about?
I had to test the test? God, I am getting light. Yeah.
Uh positivity, positivity, You're gonna be okay. Uh, I feel better.
They just did a clinical trial and positivity it's uh
the small sample size. It was to tell me about
(21:08):
the guy damn Staple just tell to be positive, just
to be pausitive. Don't e think hard time being positive? Sir? Why? Why?
What is it? I don't know if I'm gonna make it.
I don't know if I'll see the so on. Look,
has a bunch of human heads being hug upside down
in your bathroom? Here? Decretive? It's they're sent, a man,
(21:31):
they're sent. I'm sorry to hear the Captain sart. You're
the captain Sarge now, Captain serge, I bequeathed you that title.
Are you there? Get me down from Jesus? What the
hell help me? Dot from the wall? Where did you
come from? I'm one of the heads on the wall.
Oh yeah, I see that now. Yeah, it's a very
uncomfortable situation here. I'm sure you're gonna appreciate that. I
(21:53):
bet hey you will. You don't have the virus? Do
you me? You're talking to me the little head on
the wall. Yeah, yeah, I'll talk to you a little
head on the wall, patient number one. Thank you? Oh great, okay,
you've already gotten over it and come out through the
other end. Still just a head on the wall. Alright, Well,
(22:16):
I got a whole CDC squat team that's got that's
got to get out there and lockdown this city. But
I don't have time to mess around. We got speed
with a little severned head. Okay, alright, man, we're rolling
that Scene one alright. Scene number two comes to us
(22:43):
from Will, who wrote, Hello, Malcomis. I love the show
and I've listened since day one. I think it's hilarious
and that everyone makes fun of James eating habits and
taste in boring or weird food drink. I don't know
that everyone does that as James takes a sip. I
would love to hear a scene where James is a
(23:03):
fat guy who gets arrested for suspicion of eating a
baby and has to recount everything he ate that day.
Eating your baby might be dark, but Joey eats his own. Come,
so play ball, everybody. Well, this is a real listener,
a devoted fan. We take you now to James guy.
(23:29):
Necessarily me, I'm playing a fat guy, right. Well, he's
asked you to play the fat guy. Yeah, I'm fine
with that. I just was. I'm kind of hoping to
not have many more James Heeney scenes just all the time.
Welcome to Tubby is there anything you would like for
your dietary needs. I'd like to have. Well, is that
(23:50):
a foot? How long is the large submarine sandwich? Oh god,
you're stepping on my foot? Sorry, might sir so if
you wouldn't mind six ft apart from the other customers?
All right, okay, okay, but I am next, right you
are next? Yeah, just looking to see what sort of
(24:12):
baby you'd like to eat. What you guys sell babies here? Hey, hey, hey, dummy,
up with you? Just answer the question what size the
biggest baby is before? It's a toddler? Right? Okay? The biggest?
Do you want mayo on that? My Honestly, I've never
(24:34):
had a baby. Do people typically get the baby with mayo?
Or with our most get it with the mayo? Mayo
makes everything better? Does it? What? I love mayo? Let us?
I mean, if there's an ingredient, put it on. I'm
a hungry boy. Okay, So you want to Jack's way,
you gotta know what. I don't want to. I don't
(24:54):
want to sound like an idiot, But dad, what's what's
the condition of the baby. What's the condition of the
baby that you're about to eat? I don't know, is
it like a lobster. Do I the baby has been cooked?
Your designs? Okay? Perfect? Perfect? Perfect? Gentlemen, listen up, all right,
(25:18):
we got a new case. Looks like people are eating babies.
We gotta yeah again okay, and has nothing to do
with my wife, all right, So let's all focus in
and really tackle it. All right. So we gotta make
sure that we get whoever see the baby and we
lock them down for life. CAPA. And I got a question,
go for it. We're starting that these people eating these
(25:41):
babies absolutely has nothing to do with your wife. All right.
You know what you're on? Leave? Okay? What does that mean?
It means you gotta leave. You're on a twenty questions break,
No questions about my wife. It's business, all right, right,
that's what this is. Business. Now, I'm gonna break everyone
(26:01):
up in two teams. Okay. Uh my internet kick cuffed,
got kicked off. So if we don't want the same
situation with Chris, then maybe we have to I don't
know if I have to restart. Let me just see
what and how are you here? If your internet is gone? Well,
because I just plugged it back in. Did you guys
not notice that I was gone? Yeah, yeah, we did.
(26:24):
We did. It says that I'm still recording, so I
guess I don't know what happened. Whatever you want, sorry,
I just didn't want to have problems where there was
no recording. Can you help this guy or what? You
know what? That was insane? I don't understand what these
two people are doing in our office, and your internet
problems are your own, all right? Captain? Are we are
(26:46):
we prosecuting the guys who are buying the babies or
shouldn't we be shutting down these restaurants that are selling
babies for consumption in the first place. I'm sorry, I
know this is a goddamn Q and A. You got
your orders, gentlemen, and you know what, Breton, you're on
a twenty two. I'm on a twenty two. Yeah, you're
on a twenty two. Alright, alright, fine, you won't see
(27:10):
me for twenty two hours. Then. Now, what's up with
this guy's internet? We gotta fix that before we get
out of here. What's going on with your router? Well,
here's what happens. My dog was scratching at the court
and it took the cord out, but I was able
to plug it back in and it seems like I've
still got high deaf Netflix. So I'm good. So you're
you're playing around with your dog when you should have been.
(27:31):
You've got the high super HD. It's like almost four K.
Everybody has that. Everyone has that standard and um leaving
the courts alone. Now now welcome to Lepeti, the most
popular French restaurant in all of the valley. Uh here right,
(27:54):
Today's specials salmon, of course, scargo, h cargo and uh
it's short for scargo. Is that short for scargo or
is that another dish? Cargo? That's correct? And the last
one you see you didn't answer me? Is it? Um?
(28:18):
Is it short for scargo or is it another dish one?
Why don't you shut the funk up and let the
chef tell us what the specials are? Well, look, I
he's not gonna come to never goddamn table, all right,
he's standing on the bar. I might as well ask
the question. Why why must you ask anything? Because I
went out the hell? I mean he just said, Sam,
I don't know how the hell is cooked. The chef
is there. Let's listen to the chef. Please well that please,
(28:41):
please please, I'm sorry it is my fault. English is
not how do you say, I don't know first language? Yes, yes,
not easy for me. Um, how about this? Bring your
attention to the last special love the day? That is?
That is umb? The hell about the other two? What
is called? We call it? Jacob? Jacob? It is a
(29:06):
a small baby. Um. Yeah, that was a salmon cooked
uh fried fried baby fried baby legs. Uh. The tummy
comes baked and baby legs. That and and the brain
it must be a language thing, I mean, and the
brain is tartar is the salmon on a bet of
(29:29):
jasmine rice? The salmon I want? I don't know. Just
as soon as he said salmon, I got really excited
about salmon. It's the cargo another dish? I car, please
you have? You just choose one, two or three? And honey,
I think I want the salmon. That salmon does sound good,
(29:51):
but I don't know. That's number three sounded really good.
The fried baby, like, what the hell is? And what
does the cargo? The cargo I think has to be
unloaded first, so I'm not gonna wait for that. So
it's a great that's what you're the same thing? Yeah,
just a mystery box or something uncooked food potentially. Are
you saying crepes create create a great crepes? Great? Thank you? Okay,
(30:14):
now it is me, the chef. I'm going to take
your orders. I'll start with this love the couple here?
Where the hell are the servants for YouTube? Man? Have
you've never been to lapite Le Petit chateau before? This
is how it works. The chef I've been the chef,
barely speaking, comes out, addresses the entire restaurant. It tells
them what their options are, table table too. Seriously, why
(30:36):
don't you work with him? He's a great chef. What
are you gonna be a dick? I mean, I'm table one?
Are you Okay, I'm not talking to you. What the
hell I heard you wanted to be salmon? But the
Jacob is also very good? This Simon year. Now, I
think I'm gonna go with the salmon. Okay, now that
it comes on the bed of jasmine rice. So it does?
(30:57):
It does ja? It does for you. H'll take I'll
take the Jacob. The Jacob terrific. Is there a wine
pairing with that? There is? Yes, it's called Mama's milk.
Say that right, Mama's me don't know that's correct? Chef
now that's correct, chef. Okay, thank you. I mean anything
you say is correct if we don't know what it is.
(31:19):
And I get the baby legs, uh by the olive
cart the baby legs Ali carte okay, fried baby legs. Okay.
So we're just calling out and you take our order.
You shut me down before. Okay, I'm now coming to you, sir. Okay, great, yeah,
I I you don't. I'm gonna try the cargo. I
gotta know what the hell that is. Okay, cargo special. Okay,
(31:40):
did you maybe you can just do ether neet, you know,
rather than go through WiFi. Well, if I don't plug
it all the way in, the WiFi is just not
going to give me the super HD Netflix I'm looking for,
God damn it. You know again, I don't want to
be a stickler. Everyone has HD, and just saying super
HD Netflix doesn't make it any other any other delivery
(32:02):
of if WiFi, then you don't have super HD Netflix.
Look sir, we gotta get this WiFi connection thing fixed
and then we're gonna go out there and see whether
people are serving and eating babies out there. Okay, alright, alright,
so you're telling you what there wait a minute, I'm sorry. Uh,
you're telling me that not all of our Netflix subscribers
(32:24):
are using either not cables and therefore can't get the
super HD. That's what I'm saying, sir. Yes, so that
some of them are using WiFi? Yes? Or most most
people are using WiFi? Yes, sir? And do you in
fact no what WiFi stands for? Simpson? Uh? What inferior? Funk? Fuck? Fuck?
(32:46):
I don't. I don't know, sir, I don't. Clearly you don't.
I don't know. I don't know, sir. Do you know what?
I'm sorry to interrupt, Just want to let you know
there's a full catered lunch outside. There's baby knuckles okay, yeah, funnels?
Whether you know? Whenever you're ready to go out and
pick yourself a plate, fried baby legs. Yes, there's fried
baby legs. Can I get a plate? Sure? I'll but
(33:09):
went together for you, Thank you very much. Brenda and Thompson.
You don't you don't get a plate? Now? Send Simpson
in here? Is that me? I'm simp Do you want
do you want me to come in and out? Do
you want me to walk into just turn around? Wow,
looks like you are almost do uh, welcome to the hospital.
(33:33):
Thank you. It's pretty customary for expecting mother's parents to
take a walk through the hospital so they know what
they're going to be in for the day of the
of the birth. So, um, yes, can I get it?
Can I get a wheelchair? I'm exhausted. I haven't sure,
of course, of course. Please please have a sleep. Now
(33:55):
I'm gonna take you on this tour. It's gonna be
about five minutes. I'll show you the various rooms and
where you're gonna be, or I can tell you about
another option. I'm interested. I like that. I hate it
when people talk to me for over five minutes. I'm
with you, I'm with you. How do you How does this?
How does dollars in cash sound to you? Right now?
(34:17):
It sounds amazing. I'll do anything. You and I we
are on the same level. Now. Look, I'm a doctor,
but I'm also a baby dealer. Oh here's what I'm saying.
You look beautiful, ma'am. Thank you. Great jeans. I'm surprise
(34:37):
you can still fit into them. I'm surprised too. Now
now there's a market for delicious, delicious baby. You're salivating
all over me. Sorry, have you ever had fried baby thigh.
I've never been rich enough. Oh exactly, I'm a doctor.
(34:59):
I can afford with that stuff. But now I can
make your dreams come true. So if you're interested, I'll
wire that money to you, and instead of you coming
to the hospital tomorrow when you were too you come
to my place. I take care of it. I know
a chef, bing bang boom. I'm sorry, I'm a married man, Walter.
I'm sorry. We're gonna have to shut down Little League.
(35:20):
There's just not enough kids anymore. There's not enough kids.
I mean, I'm sure the next season of kids are
going to come in. It's sports. When you say there's
not enough kids for the little thing, you mean, I'm sure.
Maybe we just gotta do some next season of kids.
(35:42):
I'm sorry to bother you guys. Has anyone seeing the
Kokowski kids? The Kokowski kids used to be on my
baseball team. But I think, right right, they're supposed to
meet me here, they're supposed to meet Are you a
relative of theirs? Are you just some crazed man who's
asking I am I run this part? What's going on?
All right? Well, sir, what are you doing here? I'm
(36:05):
a shaperne for the Kokoski kids. Watching all the questions here,
have you seen the kids or not? I haven't seen
the kids. Watch't pizza parlor? Thank you? What the hell
is going? What did you season the kids? I'm just
saying that every baseball season, a fresh bunch of kids
sign up. Understand what I'm saying is the last two
seasons we've been down kids. Well maybe we gotta advertise,
(36:28):
so maybe we put up that this that's been to
my house as if you would please, I'm very excited
to hear about the new batch of babies that you
brought for us with a black market. If you could
describe DC what kind of babies are we talking about? Okay, okay, okay,
tell me this doesn't get your goat? How delicious does
(36:49):
Norwegian jew sound? Hold on a second, pete, the goat
put a socket? Thank you? Ah? What kind of jew? Norwegian?
That sounds pretty nice? Let me strong very strange, please
please please let me see how this gets my go pete.
(37:11):
What do you think Norwegian jew? Oh? With tomato sauce,
oh and garlic bread? Keep talking alright, fat so, Look,
everybody in this town apparently is eating babies, But you're
(37:33):
the only one who was slow enough that we could catch.
I haven't eaten any babies. Yeah yeah, come on, every
everyone's eating baby. There's no children left in this town.
Come on, people are buying infants at eighty tho pop
and twent bucks. I don't know how financially that's working out.
(37:56):
What what is it? Cap? We're having problems with the
WiFi in the station. We need to back at the station.
But you're the only one who figured you stay. You
stay right here and don't any more babies. Oh I
would never. Oh yeah, of course you will look at
your cheeses. Okay, and now for the final course here
(38:16):
at Uh, there is no it wasn't it wasn't great
for the record, there is no choices. It's chef's choice. Uh.
You will all be getting out a cup of green baby,
a boop, green baby, a poop, big great baby pop delicacy.
(38:43):
And there you are. Now, please place the towels over
your head so as not to let to the aroma escape. Yes,
close your eyes. My towel is dirty towel to put
them over your heads, wet and dirty, and let there
you go. Oh this is nice, Yes, thank you. Can
(39:08):
I get a new towel. It's I don't know, no,
really hitting the mommy portion of my tongue. Yes, yes,
and that concludes experience. It really hits the back of
your vula. Okay, Now, if you can all step up
and pay cash or venom me pay cash. I only
(39:29):
have a car. That should have been told us before
we sat down to eat. Sorry, sir, it's eight hundred
and forty eight dollars eighty dollars for an open crate
of cheese and cabbage with this cargo was Steve listen,
I want you to go to let Petite Something, this restaurant.
I've been there, kay. I want you to go in there,
(39:50):
and I want you to do everything you can. I
want you to disrupt everyone's meal. I want you to
be the worst patron in any restaurant has ever experienced. Really,
I can't tell you I already did that. What do
you mean when I ate baby shit? And I had
a wet crap towel over my neck and then my
hair couldn't get that smell out for a while. And
(40:13):
rate of cabbage and cheese, the salmon, it was raw
on a bed of jasmine, uncooked rice. It was hell.
It was now ma'am. Um, I'm so glad you chose
to sell your baby. Um. There was one issue, Um
during the delivery, the wife I cut out. Oh oh god,
(40:33):
So you know that's a problem or not. Definitely not HD.
Definitely not h D because we kept the cord. You understand,
So here's what we can do. You didn't plug the
ethernet into the router. I mean, this is unbelievable. Most
women dollars. I wanted super HD baby. You didn't pay
(40:54):
a d We're paying you. That's right now. Most women
who come in here are a little more high death
if I'm being honest. Okay, yes, yes, The intersection of
those two things is salmon. Okay, yes, okay, okay. My
(41:14):
baby is going to be like the most delicious locks
that have ever well assisted you got locks, baby. At
this point, we're going to use your baby for parts
because it's going to be appetizers. No entrees available here.
As soon as the HD cut out, it got wonky.
The grade lowered agreed to that. Have you seen ugly delicious?
(41:38):
I wanted you too ugly delicious my baby. I wanted
you to cook him under rocks on a beach that
are hot. I wanted him to be a full locks baby.
That isn't your choice, ma'am. The only thing you can
say yes or no two is how you want me
to pay you the eighty thou dollars. Okay, Reginald, listen,
(41:59):
we're try to lay down some tracks. We appreciate you
coming in today. Full Locks Baby, I guess is the
name of your song. So whenever you're ready, we're recording Boom.
(42:27):
I got my babies, back babies, back babies, back knock babies.
I'm sorry I stopped playing when you started singing. Uh, yeah,
that's the that's a meat thing. Yeah, Phil, what's the problem, Phil?
(42:50):
I man, Uh, this guy's energy freaked me out. Yeah,
I'm sorry. I are you ready to go? You'll make
some adjustments. Yeah, I'm just talking to make eye contact
with Plenny start singing. You got me in a trance.
(43:15):
It was just all right, let's go again. This will
me take two? Full Salmon baby, locks Baby, Sorry, full
locks Baby, can you get your keep? Bring your music again?
(43:35):
And I want my baby. I'm sorry. I'm sorry again.
I forgot what I was playing. I forgot my melody.
This guy, this guy's energy just freaks you. It just
(43:57):
freaks me out. Why we're all we're all studio musicians.
We are, Yeah, we are. You're the thing. But yeah, okay, um,
so what's the problem. I'm gonna take a break. I
can't take a break. I paid you by the hour.
(44:22):
I just forgot what I'm supposed to play. I forgot.
I really don't even know to put my atrement at
the moment. Your energy is just if you can put
a handle on his energy, how would you describe it?
I mean, freaky, freaky, freaky. It's just like I look
in his eyes, I see babies. But but I'm looking
at a man. I'm looking at an adult man who's
too heavy, just too heavy. I'll tell you what. Let's
(44:43):
just try one more and then we call it a day. Alright,
one more, here we go and three two boom boom boom. Okay,
now we're going all right. I want my baby spacks,
baby spacks, baby spack. Say so, we're not gonna use me,
We're just not gonna have me. Well, I didn't think
(45:06):
you were coming. I never heard you. I was I'm
afraid that's our show today. Me. Bless each and every
damn ridiculous one of you. Uh let's thank all of
our alchemists. Thanks. Check to see if we got a
(45:26):
third scene. I don't feel it in me. No, sorry,
just kidding. Scene three comes to patron v I p
Paul Hatton, who wrote Hike Kevin. My dad taught me
to always start with something positive or hot. So here
I go. Dad's Chris and Joey. You're my gylhs pause
(45:50):
for high fives. I love you, but I can't keep
this al command crime to myself. I'm sure you've heard
about the latest Make a Wish scandal. They were on
the way to grant some icelantic kid Icelandic kid wish
when they discovered the kid was actually a genie. Love
(46:13):
Paul Hatten from Maryland. Check it in for American Airlines
flight to Icelandic. Yes, here it is. That's one an ID. Yeah,
there you go. Okay, do you wait for one more
form of identification? My mail is not good enough. We're
(46:35):
asking your mail, sir. No, this is a gas bill.
I'm sorry, I'm his mail. Hey, maybe I have a
boarding passes here and I have both of our I
d s here. Well, thank you very much. You're clearly
the organized one. Yeah maybe you? Oh, I did all
(46:56):
my setups in the way over here? Were you talking
to him? Do you call him babe? No? I say,
I handed him to stuff and I called you babe.
What the hellse what? What do you? What are you
doing this? Because you're so handsome? I don't know, but
it's like it's like a twenty hour flight that we're
gonna be on. Yeah, you want to start a fight now? No, No,
I was saying, I did my setups just like you
asked me to. You know what, why don't you go?
The maker wish said you first? You you do it? No,
(47:18):
they want both of us, they're no do they do?
They do they? You know? They purchase want you? Sam?
What are you talking to me or him? You're okay? What?
You're great, You're hot, you're smart, you're strong. Okay, okay, okay, okay,
okay maybe board Yes you may. Both of you have
(47:44):
a terrific flight. Thank you take a place. Welcome to
rek you vic Air. He may I give you some
nice cold nuts to make your flight more enjoyable. I mean,
you guys are so hot, and thank you, thank you
(48:05):
so arny for you. Here is an extra pair of
nuts for each of you. Well, we already have an
extra pair. We we like each other. We don't like you, ma'am.
That's too bad. Yeah, like you like each other very much.
(48:25):
We're you just got a huge fight before we got
on the plane. He has a lot of insecurity issues,
and that's okay because we're working through that. What the
hell are you doing? You're just gonna air all my
ship out right now? It's just her. No one else
is even Let me tell you know what. I'm gonna
tell you about something about him. Okay, ma'am, you don't
have to steak around for this. If you, I would
love to. You're the only two passengers on this entire flight. Okay, go.
(48:50):
He can't go to sleep unless there's a music plane.
What do you think about that? And and baba, Yeah,
there's a specific song that just puts me out and
(49:11):
I need it. Okay. I guess I'm not perfect there,
I'm not perfect. Yes, I'm saying, if it bothers him,
why don't you listen to earbuds or you know, noise
canceling head? No, thank you. I don't know how you do.
In icelandic in America, we listen to our music the
way we want to, which is out loud, mess, mess,
excuse me. I'm sorry. My husband and I was seated separately,
(49:33):
and I'm hoping one of these two gentlemen could switch seats.
Did not see you on the plane down here? Yes?
Thank you? So we love to switch. One of these gentlemens,
would you switch with my husband? Couldn't wait? Okay, fantastic, Roger, Roger, honey, Okay,
one of these, one of these two fagolas would love
(49:57):
to switch seats. And if the hell is wrong with you, lady,
what the hell is it? You know what? I want
to get in another flight with my husband? Okay. We
are here at the kid's house. Okay, we're gonna knock
in just a moment, but I want you and I
to be good. We're gonna grant this kid a wish
or his wishes to hang out with two hot dads. Okay,
(50:24):
I'm knocking, knock, knock, knock, Yes, come in please, Hey, Hi, Hey,
what's up? Hello? Are you are the Delphs? I ordered? Yeah?
Well yeah, yeah, order, Yeah, that's funny way to put it. Yes,
we are here. We understand that you are sick, and
we want to make your day a little better. I
(50:44):
am very sick. I'm dying. Okay, did you want to
us to take our shirts off or you know, do
anything cool? That would be nice to start with. Well,
I'm gonna just dribble this basketball like shooting doors? Is
that ze cool? Yeah? Absolutely, I can't notice. You're um,
you can't notice. I'm just gonna say, I can't help,
(51:06):
but notice part of me I'm told on what is
going on? That kid is blue. He's sick. He's sick.
That's why he has a whisp instead of legs. He's
got like just air. Is that with that little whispy
it's a little air part. It's just way he's sick.
He's sick, okay, kind of sickness. No, I don't know.
Maybe he's got Does he have a little ponytail on
top of his head? I don't know. I don't know.
(51:28):
Maybe he's just sick anyways, wearing a red belt. Look, look,
I don't know what the hell they do it Niceland.
I don't know what kind of trolls if here ogres
that curse keep people in all that crap. A lot
of old ship here, a lot of old ship. Okay, okay,
so let's just do the job. Get the hell out
of here. Okay, what is our job? Exactly? Our job
is to make a wish? Fair? Okay, young man, Okay,
(51:51):
I'm listening again. Okay, what's your name? My name is
gun Gooner. Okay, nice to meet. So here we are.
What can we do for you? Budd Hey, what the
fund is going on here? Dooner? You still owe me
two wishes? Who are these guys? Oh? No, oh, who
(52:12):
are hey? Hey, Sara, back up this kid. This child
is sick. Okay, child, and we're the one making wishes. Okay, buddy,
Oh no, no, no, no, no, dooner, what are you
doing with these guys? Um? They have come all the
way from America to grant my wish, to bring your wish.
You're my Genie, Genie Genie. I know that word, Genie, Genie,
(52:36):
Genie Genie Tumberly. And she lived down the block from us.
Oh my gosh, I remember Genie. She was like a jumper.
You guys are trying to get wishes from my Genie.
You're barking up the wrong tree. Get out of here,
Jesus Christ, put that knife. Yeah look you're American. Were American?
All right? Look we we we get this Okay, we're
from Make a Wish Foundation. Do you understand you know
(52:57):
I had to use one of my three wishes to
get out here to Icelandia. Okay, so I don't know
I have to use it. Yeah what I said, Iceland. Well,
it doesn't matter. Listen, I've got two more wishes, and
if you're not careful, I'll wish you guys out of existence.
(53:17):
Please do what please do? Alright, gooner, I wish okay,
slighting it properly never existed. You wish that these two
guys never existed existed? Okay, your wishes granted. Hey, Tanya,
(53:45):
sorry to just come under your office, but uh, some
of the maker wishes that we've been receiving from the
you know, the kids side and all that, Uh, they're
just flooding in here and we're not really vetting kind
of who's who's getting the wish. I just want to
kind of bring it to your attention. You know, Tom
Brady is starting he's kind of given up on this
(54:07):
whole thing, Like he can only go to Disneyland so
many times. So we find some other guy. Well, I
mean there's a lot not there's not that many kids.
The seasons of kids are getting shorter and shorter, and uh,
we're getting here. Seasons of kids is frequently right, right,
and and so maybe I just this is my hunchy hunch,
(54:30):
but maybe they're magical creatures that are asking for the witch. Now. Look,
I know I'm probably get fired for saying that I
get it, But that's what my that's what my gut says.
I mean, I've always thought that, you know what, here's
my badge, here's my gun. I get it. Make a wish?
Jesus Christ, do we not. There's no one else, no
(54:52):
one else has that. Okay, I'll take it back. I'll
take it back. Um, Roger, tell me exactly what you think.
Do you think these are magical creatures who are wanting
wishes from make a wish? Yes, yeah, exactly. I mean
(55:13):
I don't have more clear it can be. I mean
it's fairly obvious. I mean, look at the letters that
we're getting. I mean, look at this paper. Look at
the paper feels like water. That makes a guy nam sense,
That makes no sense. Only magical creatures could have this. Now. Look,
I grew up on a farm. Neighbors were witches, goblins
were living underground. I'm familiar with the magic world. So
(55:34):
what do you mean that this is a Make a
Wish follow up visit? Is this standard? Yeah? Yeah, they're
saying that I'm still sick or what. Yeah, we're just
just checking on me, making sure you're good. Do you
mind checking the back room tiny making sure see if
there's okay? Yeah, so, uh, just checking in on your
your sickness. I'm clearly a sick Icelandic child and that's
(55:56):
some sort of magical creature. No, of course, of course
I wouldn't think you wouldn't be. It was good, that's right, beauty.
Look at horse. It's got a horn and wings. Crazy,
the horns going right off it's back. What the hell
is this? What the hell is this? Guner? Supposed to
be a unicorn? But the guy dam horns coming off
(56:18):
its back. That it's a little bit of Kyle, what
the hell you doing back here? You're telling me you
used one of your wishes to go to Icelandia. Well,
it was I wanted to have a dream house mansion
in Islandia, and it turns out there was no such place.
(56:38):
So I went to Iceland then to make sure two
guys who were there didn't ever exist. And then your
third wish was to come back to Kansas City. It
was probably a mistake to come back to him. It
wasn't a steak, asshole. Well, I was worried. Okay, I
thought that maybe I changed the spacetime continuing with my
wish of making people. Probably did, but we still got
(57:00):
live in this fucking studio apartment. Now my bad knock knock, hello, ship,
your rent is due. Hello, Hey, Bubba Bubba, just give
us one second. You know, you know Kyle went went
to Icelanda and he knows the genie. So we're gonna
have you went to Iceland. Yeah, you have money for
a ticket and going across the countries, but you don't
(57:20):
get money for rent. Listen, the money, the money was spent.
Don't worry about it. I got to hook up to
a genie. Uh, we'll get your rent by the third. Hey, Bubba,
Bubba bubba, what if what if we pay rent this
month by introducing you to this genie? He gives you
a wisch No no no no no no no no
no no. What do you say to that? Maybe maybe
(57:41):
you got you got to do it. Thank you, Hey,
I was gonna get you to meet the Genie and
you were going to get the wishes. Now he's gonna
get the witches wiches. My wish would have been to
pay rent well, I mean that would have been a
great wish. But now we're gonna let him have wishes. Look,
we're not good at wishing, and maybe that speaks about
(58:02):
the type of people we are. Yeah, even thinking about
that now, I mean it's all I've been thinking about
since I got back to this stupid studio apartment Kansas.
You know, nothing sounds sadder than a wish wasted the
wasted wishes? Who wants for wasted wishes? I don't want
what that means? Huh what for wastes gets? It gets
(58:26):
me in my head and it gets it gets me
out of my head. I want my babies, backs, babies, backs, babies, sacks.
Turn that music off that I believe is our show today. Wait,
(58:47):
there's one more scene. No, thank you all so much.
Thank you out there for listening and hanging with us.
We hope we're bringing something to your lives. Please let
us know by writing to us at your name here
at Alchemy the dot com. I want to thank all
the Alchemists, starting with miss Jessica Loo, thank you so much.
(59:07):
How's puppy great? Excellent, um, and thank you so very
much for joining us, and stay healthy please uh. And
Craig Kokowski, thanks for having me as always. Hope everybody's
staying safe and healthy out there. Thank you for that.
Let's post some photos of your kids if we can
on Instagram, coming up, okay. Chris Alvarado, thank you, buddy,
(59:35):
thank you, thank you. And just a quick uh note
to the people out there, Joey Greer has been doing
a good job doing some alchemy this live stuff on
our Instagram, so keep following that, keep checking in there
because it's a lot of fun to internect the listeners.
Chris and I have done a hang with Joey on there,
a live one, and we're gonna be doing some more
of those, so look for those to Thank you for that, Chris.
(59:56):
Maybe the next one will be with Craig Ktkowski or
Jessica Low you don't speaking of which, James Heeney, thank
you so much, buddy, thanks for having me. Yeah. Every Wednesday,
seven pm Pacific Standard time, Twitch dot TV Forward Slash
Westside Comedy Theater, you'll see a Bear Supply show. Bear
Supply Love that so damn much. Joseph of Greerman, Thanks buddy,
(01:00:21):
Thank you, Keep love alive, keeping the lava alive, keep
you lama alive. Man help me. Thank our wonderful producer
and engineer of the stars who makes the recording all
this uh possible, if not exceptional, Mr Doug Bain, and
(01:00:42):
the fine folks that I heard media fum fumpumals. I
am your host, Kevin Pollack, love you so damn much.
Please stay extremely healthy until next time. Alchemy yea and
I and I pull and I put all per
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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