October 7, 2021 • 50 mins
Couple who hates camping camps with couple who loves camping.
Clown tries to book gigs in Stephen King’s Maine
Unintentional cannibal
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy Dez. I'm your host,
Kevin Paul. Yeah, what's that look in the back? He
jerk further back? Keep going. No, no pastor fur Coke,
I'm saying further than them. Yeah, but I digres. Let's
meet her acome a show in no particular order. Let's
welcome Chris Alarado Dream Date number seven. What TV game show,
(00:24):
past or present? Do you think you crush M. I
don't think any of them, that's right. I get too nervous. Yeah,
I love Jeopardy, but I have to pause, you know,
and answer the question I can't answer. And I just
watched The Voice last night for the first time. That's
(00:44):
fun show, but I don't I can't sing. Um Yeah, Nope,
no game shows for me. So we'll see if I
can get you on the masked singer. I still have
to sing. I'm out, Yeah, I'm out. And now our
weekly dose of Craig Atkowski Kako on average? What speed
does a bullet train in Japan traveler? On average? On average? Yes,
(01:12):
per per hour or per minute daily? Okay, So you're
talking about daily bullet train, the daily bullet train speed. Okay,
so you're talking about it's average speed over do you
want to do kilometers or miles whatever you're comfortable with. Okay,
and uh, this is the one going from Tokyo to Osaka.
(01:33):
That's right, okay? Uh seven, I know that's the right one.
But you know that's converting and converting back. And don't
you don't have to explain anything. Seven is clean. Please
say hello to Jackie Gonzalez. The ruth missed unfairly funny.
(01:54):
When did you realize that you loved your husband? What
a funny question? That interesting? Well, I was the one
who like him? Can you hear me? I was the
(02:15):
one who came up to him and got his name
and gave him my number. So some might say, just
off the bat, I was already like, very very into it. Um,
I don't think I recall I don't recall a specific
time of like, oh now I love him now more
(02:37):
than like I love him? What a reveal? First, yes,
of course it was in my kitchen and he said
it first, but I like it was like I don't
know if he just said it, like did I just
miss hear it? So I was like, you know, so
(02:58):
I just kind of played it off and and he like,
do you know what I just said? I'm like I
think it's like I don't know. And then I'm like okay,
like okay, yeah, Like I mean, I love you too.
I just wanted to be sure that that's what you
said before. I how the brain sort of takes over
the emotional landscape in that moment, sort of tries to
(03:22):
protect you and that's yeah, and it's like, Nope, that's
not what they said. That's not what I said. Said
something else. It's like, no, that's and of course I
knew that. Sure. There's knowing and feeling very very different.
And then there's James Zeney jim Jimmy Jimpson walk us
through what happens when you have to pee in the
middle of the night. Well, I wake up and I
(03:47):
think to myself, is this something that needs to be
taken care of me? Or is this something that we
can postpone until we do a little inventory. And then
I think to myself, well, I think I can make it.
And then I'll lay for about five ten minutes and
I'm like, well, it's probably dangerous because I've gone this
(04:09):
long without wedding. The bed, which is it's like almost
two years now. Uh, so I usually just get up.
I'll just get up the anniversary. The problem is, so
there's a lot of problems with going to the bathroom
in the middle of maybe you know what. Everyone, we're good,
We're good. It's just hard to get out of bed. Yeah,
(04:30):
it really is because your bed is like eight ft
off the ground. I don't think most people know that.
I don't want to keep too much my bed. The
wall is right next to me, so I don't have
like the easy I had to climb out, and you
could injure yourself climbing out of bed sometimes yeah, if
you're not careful, Yeah, land on your coxus and last,
(04:55):
but too many creases in your pants if you think
of leaves, it's joey greer meat cute let down. First
kiss and why, uh when that's a great question. When
should the first kiss happen? And I am you know,
slow and steady wins the race. That's I think the
first kiss should happen probably about like eight or ten
(05:19):
months down the down the road. There you go, all right,
And that's like because you know them, they you know,
they like, yeah, it's all that stuff and uh, and
I feel like that's that's to me appropriate time. No,
I get it. I'm gonna get a lot of emails,
all right, But that's that's just where I stand on it,
and uh pick up, let's do a damn show. Oh mommy,
(05:49):
make it stop. All of our scene suggestions gather from
your listener emails or from our patron v I P supporters.
That's right, joined the Patreon cause if you care at
all about the future of our show. No, listen, we
love hearing from you. If you if it makes sense
(06:09):
to join the patroon by all means, there are lots
of bonus bonus things available there. Maybe you want them,
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(06:32):
We'll be able to join us in this zoom while
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scene suggestion via email, please please just write to us
(06:54):
at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemy
that I love you. Seen one comes from our favorite patroon, Alcamaniac,
Hailey Bonds right, who wrote hi new scene suggestion. It
would be cool if Craig was present for this one,
(07:16):
but if not, that's okay too. It goes like this
couple who hates camping goes camping with a couple who
loves camping because she knows Greig hates camping. It is
Craig present for this, Hale present and accounted for. So
you guys, uh, you guys gonna camp on this area
(07:37):
over here? Is this good for you? This is as
far as I know. This is spot number seventeen and
we rented spots seventeen, so okay, yeah, just making sure
I'm your neighbor time. Yeah, they're gonna be in that spot, Larry,
(07:57):
I mean, are you is this? This? Is this no
able to have camping spots so close to each other?
I thought we're neighbors. Okay, here you share? Man? Do
you guys mind if I tell you something man to
man to man, I mean I don't how about you, Larry?
All right, Uh, this is my first time camping. Hi there,
(08:26):
welcome to the camp grounds. Do you have your reservation?
Do we do? We have our reservation? I thought you
have a name or the number either or works name
or number? Um, I think didn't you make the rest?
(08:47):
You can just tell me your name and I look
that up on my name or hers? Who? I think
these guys are trying to Definitely they don't want to
of their name. Can't what they want. I have a job.
I want to do my job. Listen, I have a set, Todd,
(09:08):
I got a second book for people trying to get
off the grid. Here check them in with this book.
I think you're crazy. No, no, no, listen. A lot
of people go camping because they're trying to escape something.
So when they make a reservation online, they probably don't
have a reservation. These guys trying to get off the
stane and how would they how would they be in
your book? They're not yet You're gonna put look at
(09:30):
this book? Give them here's my issue. Listen, you're you're
really fucking this up, dude. Say if I have put
them say, on lot twelve, they don't have a reservation.
Then somebody comes in invation on lot twelve. What do
I do? I think a love Well, I don't know.
I mean, well, these guys have this really intense conversation
(09:52):
across the room from us. I heard, I heard a
lot twelve, So I think that's for us. Well, you're
just hearing random phrases. I think probably probably they're full
and we probably should just turn around and okay for
you guys, now, perhaps you're looking to get away wink wink,
(10:13):
actually looking to are you trying to get off the grid? Well,
normally we go to wine Country and uh and do
like tastings, but like we drive there and like we
stay in a hotel. All right, here's what I'm gonna
do for you. A lot sixteen. That's for you, Lot sixteen.
(10:35):
So we're gonna take a left down the driveway and
just go down for a little bit and you'll see
all the lots. There's numbers everywhere. Cool. Thank you, and
please know collecting rocks. The rocks here are very important.
We're just here because our couple's counselor told us that
we needed this, So so I'm not looking to get
off the grid. Okay, enjoy it, enjoy your day. Okay,
(11:00):
Well that was great. He never got our name or
any payment information or anything. I guess it's perfect. I
guess it's free because it's kind of like I guess
because it's therapeutic. Awre you doing. My name is Hugh Sherber.
I'm a reservation number six four six four. Say the
lot sixteen should be ours? Oh six four or six four? Yep?
(11:24):
I got you right here? Give me one secon hey, asshole. No, well,
you're acting like an asshole because the one thing that
happen away from these Let's just step away from these
guys so we can talk over. Well, you've lost it.
You've gotten down a fucking rabbit hole, whole conspiracy theory,
off the grid. Ship's fucking this business. No, you don't
(11:45):
realize there's a lot of people that come in here.
I got Dale Deale's gonna come down here with some
fake ideas. So good news for you, good news for
we are acting. We win the dad, Dad, When can
I hunt for rocks? Not sign one now? Okay, just
when we get down, you'll be able to hunt for
(12:08):
rocks that GM and not right now sorry, go ahead,
do we win the lottery. You win the camping lottery,
We're actually gonna upgrade you to a double lot nineteen
and twenty. Those are oh my gosh, are family lot.
We go there every year sixteen every year. Well in
(12:30):
nineteen and twenty, have our is your new home? And
quick little note about the rocks. They have now been
deemed endangered, so no rocks can leave the predaces bullshit,
all not there, Ryan, hold on, Well he just wants
to hunt them, all right, So he's just gonna trap
them and release. Isn't that right? Ryan? Yeah, trap the
(12:51):
rocks and I release the rocks. Dale, This is uh
from the campground. I need a couple of people. UM
need identities. They're changing out identities, so I don't know
what I want message. Oh oh Dale? Um, I can't
(13:12):
say who this is because we're talking illegal things here,
but I got a couple of people down at Lot
sixteen and they need new identities. Dale, Thank god you're here.
I hate leaving messages about this. Uh do would identity?
I can't tell you who this is? Off the bitch?
Are we both actually supposed to fit in this thing?
(13:36):
This is app this is tiny. I need. This is
a one person tent. I don't think they're I don't know.
I went to Hey, neighbors, how's it going, How you doing?
H We're Tom and Larry. Welcome folks. Let us know
if you need anything. We gotta everything but rocks. You know.
(13:58):
I'm actually supposed to key our communication with others to
a minimum. It's really just about we're supposed to focus
on each other this weekend, looking into each other's a
lot of eye contact. Oh yeah, okay, I mean we've
heard that before. We kind of take it personally, but
you folks seem nice. Yes, um, yeah, it's not personal. Gosh,
(14:23):
but we love to hang out with you guys. Maybe later,
maybe later that. Yeah. The tent you've got going here
is a little Is this upside down or inside out
or something like it? I just don't think that's a
child's tent. Ye, you're not gonna want to. Oh why
(14:43):
don't you crash in our We got enough for like
ten people, but it's just us two. Yeah, I mean
it's an r V. Yeah. Oh yeah, I see it now. Yeah, yeah,
all the sports games going. We've got a gig for
ten people. Do you like you like sized cooked? Beans.
Uh we we do. I gotta. I brought a bunch
(15:05):
of spreads and dips from Trader Joe's and over here.
What can I acknowledge that you appreciate it? I acknowledge
you went to trade to Joe's. I appreciate that you
went to trade to Joe's. You're bringing something to the table. Hi. Um,
I don't have a reservation, but I do have two
clients that are on your grounds that I need to
speak to immediately. Uh, well, who is it? I'd rather
(15:32):
not give you their information. It's okay. Well they might
be here to get off the grid, so uh this
is kind of awkward. Okay, Well I sent them here. Um,
I'm their counselors. I do all the identity swaps around here.
So if you're sending people here and you're not telling me,
then you're missing a main piece of the whole project.
(15:55):
Can you just tell me where you might have sent
some couples? If there were some people off the grid
looking for new identities, I've already got a guy coming
up here to swap them out. Okay, they got go
bags and they're going to be out of here, so
you don't need don't worry about it. Push me again. Uh, honey,
(16:17):
are you are you asleep? Um? I was, I'm not.
The bugs are so loud. They're loud, and I'm sweating.
I'm just hot night. It would should cool down. It
cools down in the city at night. I'm both freezing
and sweating some high. Oh my god, Michelle eating subway here, Now,
(16:49):
that's that's one of my farts. And then she needs
to acknowledge that that is my fart smelling subway, And
I do. I acknowledge that your fart smelling subway. And honestly,
they could smell worse. That smells actually manufactured at subway.
So Michelle, what are you doing here? I mean, I
didn't give you one big piece of advice, the last
puzzle piece of this whole weekend, have a little fun.
(17:14):
You came all the way here in the middle of
the night to tell us to have fun, have some fun, Michelle.
The board has decided to revoke your license. The overreach. Michelle.
It's going to our attention that many of your clients
and hands on, I'm hands on that. Yes, that scene
(17:37):
on quick answer from the from the Board scene too
comes from listeners Xander Davis, who wrote Kevin, I have
a very particular set of skills that make me a
nightmare for someone like you, because one of them isn't
scene suggestions attempting redemption. The clown tries to book, tries
(18:02):
to book gigs in the town from Stephen King's it.
Thanks for your time, Xander, Hi, there can I help you? Yes?
I would like to have a birthday party? Okay? And
uh is it your birthday? Yep? It's gonna be my
birthday next week, so ideally i'd have it on a Saturday,
(18:23):
Next Saturday. Oh, next Saturday? Okay? And what sort of
entertainment are you thinking about? Steve came out of nowhere, hypnotis,
I could hypnotize Martial Arts Crew, little overwhelming, so many options. Um,
(18:53):
I was thinking about a clown, somebody government animals. Oh whoa,
he disappeared, So I'm gonna go for me. Yeah, that's Blimpo. Uh,
I'm Blimpo's son. I'm Blimpa Blimpa. Sorry. Um, is this
(19:17):
the kind of clown you're thinking? Um? Well, because I
loved to laugh? All right, that's I gotta have that.
I gotta smoke indoors? Is the party outside er in? Well? Well?
I wanted to have a party here in your facility.
Oh you wanted you wanted to have at the Dairy
(19:38):
Community Center. Yeah, that's why I came here to set
up and schedule my party for next Saturday. You see, Um,
my house recently burnt down and I did not do it. Um,
but it's no longer there and it's not my fault. Question.
Sorry interrupt? What's your name? I'm blamed up? Linda? Yes,
(20:02):
be straight with me. Are you on the lamb? Um?
I'm not writing a lamb. Are you on the run
from the fence? Run from the fence? You can? You
can tell me you can. Do you have cash? Do
you have cash? I have my father's credit card number memorized.
(20:24):
Now listen, sir, I'm gonna be straight with you. We
are with the FBI and we are looking for this
young lady. Have you seen her? WHOA? I was that
work and I saw a woman that looks like that
and she was trying to But do I have to
(20:46):
tell you? And what do you do for a living? Sir? Well,
I'm a hippist, but I promise I won't use it
on you. I promise. Okay, Okay, So you saw someone
that resembles this at your places. Actually, I should probably
have a lawyer or something. I depend on this community
center for work. I book a lot of gigs. Okay, okay,
(21:11):
all right, well I'm just gonna it's gonna walk around,
thank you for your time. Thank you. You will not
walk around deal believing welcome back here? Hey, that couldn't
(21:31):
help A notice, y'are you're saying to be setting up
for a birthday party? Yeah? What's up? Well, uh I
couldn't help. I notice that you've got oversized shows and
uh fried wag? Yeah, what do you need? Well? Uh,
(21:54):
just I couldn't help. But notice that you up here
in a bit clown. May mean I couldn't help us
with here an ass? The funk? Do you want to? Well,
in the town of Derry, we uh we tend to
frown on clowds. So what you gotta fight me? Well,
it's it's not coming from me. I'm just saying that
(22:15):
other people and dairy you know. Uh, I gotta have
a bit of a reaction to a clown being around. Look,
that a my problem, and so far you're the only
one telling me this. Okay, So either you got a
problem with me or all these phantom people in there.
You do well, you know you gotta have to get
a po mats to uh to have an outside birthday
(22:36):
party in downtown Darry Oh is that a hold? Then?
Is this it right here? Huh? Well that appears to
be a metal finger? Look at that. Let me make
a balloon aim out of that. Oh I just know.
Am I gonna snap my finger? And I'm not gonna
do that? Uh? Yeah, look, what do you want? What
do you want? Do you want? Now? Listen? Mr Mayor? Uh,
(22:57):
we want to leave your nice town as soon as possible.
You have to understand, is that this young lady murdered
her parents and then burn them in the home. Well,
that is that is distressing, So you know, any help
(23:17):
you could give us, I'm just trying to wrap my
mind around around why a clown is? Is? I mean,
I also I understand that we also have to uh
to deal with this young lady in her particular situation.
But we we just don't have a good history here
in Dairy with clowns. Oh, I'm familiar, I'm familiar. Oh yeah,
(23:43):
why don't you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.
I'll get rid of this clown for you. If you
can bring this young woman to me, Well, if you
go to uh to Bias uh carruthers uh curiosity shop.
He's got a backscratch that it's it's probably as more
efficient than then scratching with your own hands, Thank you
(24:06):
very much. But but but it's it's Tuesday. He wouldn't
be open, Koe. It's it's on Saturday. It's on Saturday.
It's at three pm. You've got to be there. I don't.
I don't want to go. You're my best friend, it's
my birthday. We're celebrating. Get over your thing with clowns.
(24:27):
It's kind of fun. My little brother was killed by
clothe Like we all go through stuff, right, like hen
get something? I heard they have a great magician there. Yeah,
I didn't. I don't like his vibe. Freaked me out.
If I'm going to always wanted to learn martial arts.
(24:49):
Could he just popped up in a cloud of smoke.
It smelled like a subway shop. I didn't like it.
Then he disappeared. Oh you you like the kicker in
the screen, the kicker, the puncher guy. He said, he
I just don't want to clown my little brother was
killed and only his boots. It's please, don't don't get
(25:10):
a clown at your party now, Agents, I I appreciate
that you've got a job to do, but you you
don't understand our history with clowns. Thirty years ago a
clown murdered a kid and a bunch of twelve year
old kids. Uh had to had to defeat him. And
then and then they all fucked each other to get
(25:31):
to get rid of the spirit of the clowns. And
all the all the kids fucked each other. Okay, and
you can look it up. It's happened. They you know,
they may not have included that part in the movie,
but it's it's right. It actually happened. Hey, Tobias, good
to see you today. Well, hello, Tobias. Who are you
(25:58):
talking to here? Is this is a potential Tobias. Well
I didn't get his first name, are you That would
be a quite a coincidence, Agent, if your first name
was also Tobias. No it is not, now are you
Mr Caruthers, Yes, sir, Now he owns the aforementioned Curi curiosity. Yeah,
(26:21):
that's not. Now. I'm looking for this young lady. Have
you seen her anywhere? Oh ma, we have seen her. Yes,
we have great anything else? Yeah, perhaps I can interest
you in a back scratching. He's got a good back scratching. Um. Boss,
I I'm not gonna use any hypnotism on you. I'm
(26:42):
sorry for just barging into your office, but an FBI
agent is walking around in our building and he was
looking for the girl that hired the clown. So I
just wanted to tell you that that's happening. And I
know that here in the Commune Unity Center, we've got
a lot of options, but you probably could send more
(27:04):
to the hypnotistance and bringing inside information to you. Poof Listen,
I've already told you him. Are you looking for? Oh,
you're talking to him now? You know. He's giving me
a very long, dramatic pause. I don't know if he
(27:24):
doesn't know. He runs this this right, he's the boss
for us. So we're all here now. We just need
the boss to speak up? Boss, Yeah, what what can
I what's the problem. It's just that there's the FBI
looking around. All right, I'll set up what do you
(27:49):
want to do this? Um? Listen, man, I don't think
anyone's coming, so we don't have to wait for anyone.
You can just you can do your show still get paid. Yeah,
I just I'm going to see your show alone. Okay, weird,
It's not okay, it's actually not weird. Sometimes people want
(28:10):
to be alone. They don't want to be in a
house with their annoying parents telling them what to do
all the time. Sometimes they just want to be alone.
It's not when I came, I'm gonna watch the show
with you. Never mind, it's going to be a show
for two, me and my best best friend, best friend.
(28:31):
Do do do Do Do Do Do Do Do? Do's
a scary scary like knives. You're going to vote you lady,
come up my birthday. Okay, make me laugh. Alright, put
(28:58):
your hands up, okay, intention to sky all right? Now,
put your legs like kind of like you know, there
we go. Okay, now, don't move, I'm gonna throw these knives,
all right, don't move, all right, I can't. It's hard
to balance. You see. You can get to some of
the nooks and cranes in your back that no one
else can. That scene three comes to some Paton, Mary
(29:30):
Gray love Mary Cray, who wrote Hey Alchemists coming at
you with a scene suggestion unintentional cannibal have fun. Now,
if you follow along this path here, everyone should be,
as we say, safe and sound. But you want to
(29:52):
stay on the path at all the times? You just
kind of there was like a ear quotes we're safe
and sound. Right, yes, in a matter of speaking, if
you follow me closely, you should be both safe and not.
Just up here on the right you'll find the old swamp. Now,
the old swamp, of course, is where the first settlers arrived.
(30:14):
And well they are in fact deep in the swamp.
If you was that was that a question? I know,
I was just that's oh, they're buried under there. No,
I wouldn't say period, I'd say lives lost. Let's just
leave it at that, shall we do get time for
a picture with thick? Can we get a yes? To
(30:36):
step right up to the swamp right around the edge.
Everything is completely safe, okay? And these are both your children? Yeah?
Do you mind taking the picture? I don't mind it
at all. No, you have a cameraight, so just my
phone if you what do you mean? Just my phone?
My phone has a cat to call someone who might
(30:56):
have a camera. If you look at this this on
this side, it's phone and on this side, there's a camera.
You're saying, there's a camera in your phone. Yeah, it's
a it's a it's a. Well, I'll be alright. You've
never seen Give me some of that beef jerkey. Give
me some of that jerky. It's my beef jerky. I said,
just give me some. You can give me some. Fine,
(31:19):
you have this much, it's like a crumb. Well, I'm
the one with a paper rout who can buy his
own beef jerky. Alright, kids, all right, he's figured out
the camera. Let's just pose and look like we're happy
as a family. M I'm going to take several so
that everyone a little closer together. There, we are closer.
(31:43):
One to three, one to three. Stop eating that, dad,
I'm hungry. I'm hungry too. I want to finish all
the beef jerkey so he can't have any damn starving. Okay, well,
y'all looking for so many. We're on a tour with
this gentleman here. So yeah, my brother is hungry because
(32:03):
you didn't have a summer job. Yeah, we're already on
a tour with this gentleman. Can have my phone. Oh
you're on a tour, go forget it. Then you can't
dan he's selling snacks. Yeah, but that guy's got my
phone and he's walking off, and he said it was
dangerous if we just better big better big on. This
(32:25):
guy's charismatic. This guy's charismatic. Okay, okay, here's ten dollars.
What do I get for that? You know? Well? That
gives you on that row right here, any of these
fond delicatessens. I get my own jerkey. Yes, no, you
can have my jerky ot with this and with that
guy stuff. Oh, I don't know. When you get into this,
(32:49):
you might become a dick dead damn weird way to
say that. We gotta go quick without us. Just get
picked something. Warn children, be worn children. The meat that
is cured inside these bags, it's not like any meat
your lips have ever touched before. Lucky. All right, then,
(33:13):
if we just along the path here and keep in
mind any snacks you've brought along, you should continue to
eat until your hearts content. More food for you, the better.
So how was the tour? You didn't even wake me up.
You just went with the kids. Listen. I I feel
(33:34):
like sometimes we just fight the little time, okay, And
I felt like I could. How much did we spend
for Michelle and that goddamn Couples therapy dad, Steve, he's
biting me, Well, then let's get Can we get him
something to eat? Please? We just got them something to eat.
They were eating. They're hungry. Obviously. We met this weird
(33:57):
guy and he gave us each a giant delicate test
and we ate it a delicate testing like a store. Yeah,
and my, uh my, my beef jerky sucks so much.
I left it like a trail like it was Hans
and Gretel. Okay, don't waste food, Okay, Steve, I don't
waste it. I ate all that delk test the guy
gave us. Yeah, but then you left some of that
(34:17):
jerkey on the floor. Well, I want more meat like
the delC Tessan. Okay, well let's go get some more meat. Okay, honey,
can we just look at him some meat down? I
think you should go with them. Hi, Yes, I have
a complaint. Um, I went on the tour earlier. There
was First of all, my tour guide was extremely sleepy,
(34:38):
and um he made me want to fall asleep. Now
I didn't fall asleep, thank God for my own for
my dog. I don't. I don't. I don't work with
the hotel at all. I'm a separate, independent business. Well,
let me just get it off my chest, okay, because
I gotta complain to sucking someone. Let' me tell you
that my dog MITSI is the love on my fucking
(35:00):
like Okay. It's the only thing that keeps me going
every day. Do you know what happens when she eats
beef products? Cow beef products. I don't know. It's not good.
Just a little taste of a cow beef product will
send her vomiting projectile. And it's green. It doesn't look
like food. It looks like the inside of her. You're
(35:21):
coming out a mucous sack over the It's horrible. And
let me tell you. We went on this beautiful tour
and what I didn't know but found out later was
the pormits who was eating beef the whole time. What's
going on here that y'all are just sprinkling beef beef
that's not beef? Well, let me tell you, based on
her bodily functions, I know it was cow beef because
(35:45):
I know how my Mits reacts. So you tell me
what I know about my dog I'm telling you right now,
that's human flesh. All right. Excuse you're out of your mind.
You know what I do need to I do need
to complain to someone real because you're out of your mind. Steve,
You're out of your mind. Get off of me, Daryl,
(36:06):
give me, just give me a finger. What the hell's
going on with you? Just give me a finger? Do
you need a tension because mom and Dad are falling
out of love? Is that what's happening right before our eyes?
You know that when we're on this vacation. Yeah, you
don't need both your pinkies. Look, I'm still right handed.
(36:30):
Let me eat your left pinky. If I had to choose,
I guess I live with dad. You gotta come up
with that. You're trying to change the subject. I want
to eat your left pinky. You wanta eat someone's pinky?
Why don't you go eat someone else's pinky? You want
to find somebody and murder them and eat their whole body?
Is that what you want to You're weirdo. I don't know. Maybe, well,
(36:51):
I got a knife. Okay, Mom is gonna want you
to live with her, By the way, fine, do you
think it's my fault that there's they're splitting up. Dam,
I'm sorry, your dog is gonna have to be relocated
somewhere else or how somewhere off the property. It's it's
a bit too other people. I'm sorry. I don't know what.
(37:17):
I can't be in the same room or car. I
can't get the dog off the property. It keeps trying
to bite me. I don't know what MITSI is a
completely different animal. Now. This just to be the best
friend the level of my life, ma'am. I'm so sorry.
I don't know what is morning. I pick meet up
every morning and we do butterfly kisses. You know what
(37:37):
that is? That's eye lashed time, because she's got beautiful,
luscious lashes. That's a half a niece, that's what. That's
part of the breed. And I paid for that and
she won't even do that with me. Now I go
for it and she's trying to bite my face. You
see this? How are you two young fellas there? You should?
(37:59):
You're out late tonight? Are you lost? We have a curfew?
Oh oh what No? No, I'm just a local here
and just concerned when I see youngsters out this light.
Do you have family? Uh? I had family, yet they've
all moved on. It's just me now. He that. Well, well,
(38:24):
that's a good question. I'm mostly hunting fish, so I
had a lot of a lot of fish, and uh yeah,
i'd say every start starbursts. Oh you're talking about kid
food snacks. No, I don't need a lot of those.
They were cut out of my diet by three different doctors.
(38:45):
So I'm mostly fish. Well, sure, there's a whole store.
I guess they sell a lot of them. So if
you just hang out in front of the store, you
probably found some people. Hi, sir, just going over and
talking to any of the families here at the hotel. Uh,
there we found a mutilated local. So yeah, I just
(39:11):
want it's that's horrible and I process fear with laughter.
So I want you to know that and that's not
not that's not not normal. I think that it's shocking.
I would laugh if I wasn't startled. Right, Yes, exactly,
thank you, And so I just wanted to let you
know that I'm not sure where your wife is. I
(39:32):
see her. I think she's on the kids right now. Okay, Well,
just um, just so you know, the body has left
on display. Darryl do you think if we kill and
eat a guy that that ate a lot of starbust,
that he's gonna taste like lemon, strawberry, cherry and green apple.
We can only hope better than tasting like fish. So
(39:55):
what do you say? I don't know. I just feel
like your standards are too high, that like us roaming
around late at night in the small town, that we're
gonna meet some guy we ate a lot of starburst. Yeah,
maybe you're right. Let's just kill the next person. It
sounds good. Who look at this? Look who it is? Well,
(40:17):
look who it is? Actually, I gotta time my shoe.
You were walking ahead and I was just walking past here.
I'm just what are you doing? Next person? You're supposed
to be with your mom. She's kissing a guy at
(40:37):
a bar. D We gonna ask you a question, Yeah,
do it deep? Do it? Agean younger? Um, we gotta
take you off that that clown case and dairy? Thank god?
Thank god? What's you got for me? We got something
(40:57):
right up your alley looks like this. Let me get
right up my alley all right? Doesn't involve dead people? Children? Yep, yep,
fill the in filly in Apparently there's some haunted beef
jerky at a swamp hotel in Louisiana. Excuse me, I'd
(41:21):
like to file an official complaint. I was out on
the balcony because I can't even stay in my room,
and well, I'm gonna get it off my chest. But
can you just listen to me for a for a
second sixty seconds? I can't even stay in my hold,
my works. My dog's gotten gone off the fucking rocker.
(41:43):
Anytime I walk by, it's trying to take chunks out
of my body. So I'm stuck in the balcony. The
dogs should be in the balcony and I should be
in the room. But I love her. I love her,
and I know she needs that postopedic man. I'm with
the FBI. Um is your husband around? Just because I'm
a woman doesn't mean I have a husband? Oh? Oh
(42:07):
so No? No husband, Okay, no husband, no life, nothing,
not even honestly a dog, but barely. At this point,
I'm so lone. Have you spent any time with any
children recently? Not to my recollection, No, have you tasted
(42:27):
any human blood recently? What's going on over here? People
are bringing up human flesh like it's no big deal.
You're the second person. And now that's talked to me
about this, this this nonsense. Not well, all I know
is he did not he did not work here, and
I it wasn't an official complaint that I was filing.
It was unofficial. But he was a good listener, kind eyes,
(42:52):
and I would say a strong chest. Now I started
with a shirt on, but you can tell sometimes some
fabrics give it away. Awesome, Thank you very much for
your time. Can you actually do you mind just passing
me just some food? Balcony to balcony, if you could
just pass me. I am starving here. Maybe a blanket. Sure,
(43:16):
I've got one lounge chair and that's it, and I'm
freaking it. Does it does actually cool off at night? Here? Okay, yeah,
there's a blanket. Here's some I'll know that drop. Oh no,
all right, I'll just walk around the crowns and look
for something suspicious. I'm a good FBI agent. I'll just
(43:42):
take in my surroundings, get a feel for things. M M.
What's this jolly rant? A wrapper? Nothing suspicious there? Oh? No,
manage mine, man, This rapper is yours? Yeah, man, that's mine. No,
you're taking my ship. The hell you doing? Man? Man?
(44:05):
Where did you come from? Know? You mean? Man? What
are you here? Man? I work here? Oh? Okay, okay, okay,
give it back man, Well fuck you up. Okay, Mom,
if we had to live without dad, well we both
(44:27):
live with you. No, why just one, honey. You have
to understand that both of you have a piece of
me and your dad. And did you say a piece
of meat? No? I said a piece of meat? Oh? Sorry?
(44:48):
Are you hungry? No? No, I'm full? Okay, I'm so full. Good.
Your dad should be meeting us here in a pit?
Do you know where he is meeting us? Me? Yes?
I did say me nuts. Yes, you're both wearing a
piece of his pants. What's going on? Where my mom
was saw you kissing that guy in the bar? Good?
(45:15):
I'm wearing I'm wearing dad's left pant leg and Darrel's
wearing Dad's right pant leg. So you know fine? Okay, good,
that's fine. Good. That was gonna happen sooner or later.
All right, that's just mom. We can't drag this out
any further. We've got to be honest with you. What's
going on? We force fed dad a bunch of star
(45:39):
birds that oh, god man, Oh, oh fudge, that that
was that unintentional. Those cannibals very little about it. Jackie.
(46:02):
I'm so glad you got to be here for this.
Me too. Thank you for having me really really, um, well,
how will you spend the rest of your day? Do
you think today? You know, I'm gonna do a little
bit of writing, all right, do a little bit of exercise.
I'm gonna go to the dog park. Yeah. So a
(46:25):
full day, So full day, and if Pat's lucky, I'll
squeeze a shower and they're somewhere, well here's hoping. So
a full day, but a chill night, you know what
I mean? It's moving hicle is that's when we watch
movies and this oh nice? Yeah, any idea which film
you might be taking in this evening? You know, on
(46:46):
Saturdays we watch a movie out of a hat and
we don't have a choice, you know, we pick out
a hat. But this is how you just like you're
smoking a jake. Um. And but on Wednesdays we pick
whatever we want and it can you know, so I'm
not sure. I'm not sure this week, but I'd like
(47:09):
it to be fun. Last Wednesday we watched which is
a wonderful movie. Um, however, just destroyed me emotionally, so
I definitely would like a bit of a fun romp
this week. Well, good luck with your selection. I hope
it goes well out of the hat on Saturday. And uh, yeah,
please report back which you ended up watching. Maybe it'll
(47:31):
be Wine Country Coach starring Craig Atkowski. I've seen one Country,
you know, I have, of course I have. Come on,
it's never watch it again, and I'll watch it again. Actually,
Pats never watched it, so maybe we will watch it.
Uh and Craig Felice Miracles everyone. And if you haven't
(47:53):
read Stephen King's it in a while, there's parts that
didn't make it into the miniseries or the movie, so
so check it out. When you say parts, do you
mean the screwing parts. Yeah? Just give it an orgy.
It was an orgy sewers with children, Jez. That's how
you beat up. It's absolutely right. It's one girl and
(48:13):
a bunch of boys and that's how they beat the
penny Wise the clown. Is it an orgy? That's how
they beat fucked. So weird that that didn't make it
into either of the movies or the minisure. I can't
imagine them making it into the movies. Well, thank you, nonetheless,
Christo Verando, what did you learn today? What did I learned?
(48:36):
You know, I learned? Could you tell I was having
an emergency on my end that I was that? So
that that's okay, that's you know, I gotta I gotta
follow the fun anyway, you know what I mean. I
gotta work on that because I I do. I do
a lot of you know, trying to wrinkle stuff and
justify things, and you know, sometimes that's okay, but sometimes
(48:56):
you just gotta play. Just gotta follow the fun. Follow
the fund is not a bad way to go in life.
Well I did that for a lot of years, and
then I had so excellent point, follow the fun and
improv take your life a little more seriously. I like
that as well. Thank you and Joey. If we had
anything to live by today according to your Bible, what
(49:19):
would it be the sword? Thank you for that, James. Well,
I had been asking for a while and it was
really wonderful. I just love the fact that we got
from Don ull Rik. Finally he gave us review. I mean,
I shouldn't say finally, it's it's titled as Good as
It Gets the best podcast out there. And then we
also got one from IRMA seventy five always a good Time, uh,
(49:44):
five star reviews. Where did you see these reviews? Well,
I find them on something called Charitable but they were
put on let's see Apple Podcast. They were both Apple
Podcast reviews. There you go, go to Apple. However, you'd
like to write a review, we would love to hear.
Jane just read it, so please do. Thank you all.
Let's thank our producer, engineer of the stars, Mr Doug
(50:06):
ban I Heeart Media, and Kevin Pollack. Reminding you to
please be kind to each other. Good luck out there,
until next time.
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy Dez. I'm your host,
Kevin Paul. Yeah, what's that look in the back? He
jerk further back? Keep going. No, no pastor fur Coke,
I'm saying further than them. Yeah, but I digres. Let's
meet her acome a show in no particular order. Let's
welcome Chris Alarado Dream Date number seven. What TV game show,
(00:24):
past or present? Do you think you crush M. I
don't think any of them, that's right. I get too nervous. Yeah,
I love Jeopardy, but I have to pause, you know,
and answer the question I can't answer. And I just
watched The Voice last night for the first time. That's
(00:44):
fun show, but I don't I can't sing. Um Yeah, Nope,
no game shows for me. So we'll see if I
can get you on the masked singer. I still have
to sing. I'm out, Yeah, I'm out. And now our
weekly dose of Craig Atkowski Kako on average? What speed
does a bullet train in Japan traveler? On average? On average? Yes,
(01:12):
per per hour or per minute daily? Okay, So you're
talking about daily bullet train, the daily bullet train speed. Okay,
so you're talking about it's average speed over do you
want to do kilometers or miles whatever you're comfortable with. Okay,
and uh, this is the one going from Tokyo to Osaka.
(01:33):
That's right, okay? Uh seven, I know that's the right one.
But you know that's converting and converting back. And don't
you don't have to explain anything. Seven is clean. Please
say hello to Jackie Gonzalez. The ruth missed unfairly funny.
(01:54):
When did you realize that you loved your husband? What
a funny question? That interesting? Well, I was the one
who like him? Can you hear me? I was the
(02:15):
one who came up to him and got his name
and gave him my number. So some might say, just
off the bat, I was already like, very very into it. Um,
I don't think I recall I don't recall a specific
time of like, oh now I love him now more
(02:37):
than like I love him? What a reveal? First, yes,
of course it was in my kitchen and he said
it first, but I like it was like I don't
know if he just said it, like did I just
miss hear it? So I was like, you know, so
(02:58):
I just kind of played it off and and he like,
do you know what I just said? I'm like I
think it's like I don't know. And then I'm like okay,
like okay, yeah, Like I mean, I love you too.
I just wanted to be sure that that's what you
said before. I how the brain sort of takes over
the emotional landscape in that moment, sort of tries to
(03:22):
protect you and that's yeah, and it's like, Nope, that's
not what they said. That's not what I said. Said
something else. It's like, no, that's and of course I
knew that. Sure. There's knowing and feeling very very different.
And then there's James Zeney jim Jimmy Jimpson walk us
through what happens when you have to pee in the
middle of the night. Well, I wake up and I
(03:47):
think to myself, is this something that needs to be
taken care of me? Or is this something that we
can postpone until we do a little inventory. And then
I think to myself, well, I think I can make it.
And then I'll lay for about five ten minutes and
I'm like, well, it's probably dangerous because I've gone this
(04:09):
long without wedding. The bed, which is it's like almost
two years now. Uh, so I usually just get up.
I'll just get up the anniversary. The problem is, so
there's a lot of problems with going to the bathroom
in the middle of maybe you know what. Everyone, we're good,
We're good. It's just hard to get out of bed. Yeah,
(04:30):
it really is because your bed is like eight ft
off the ground. I don't think most people know that.
I don't want to keep too much my bed. The
wall is right next to me, so I don't have
like the easy I had to climb out, and you
could injure yourself climbing out of bed sometimes yeah, if
you're not careful, Yeah, land on your coxus and last,
(04:55):
but too many creases in your pants if you think
of leaves, it's joey greer meat cute let down. First
kiss and why, uh when that's a great question. When
should the first kiss happen? And I am you know,
slow and steady wins the race. That's I think the
first kiss should happen probably about like eight or ten
(05:19):
months down the down the road. There you go, all right,
And that's like because you know them, they you know,
they like, yeah, it's all that stuff and uh, and
I feel like that's that's to me appropriate time. No,
I get it. I'm gonna get a lot of emails,
all right, But that's that's just where I stand on it,
and uh pick up, let's do a damn show. Oh mommy,
(05:49):
make it stop. All of our scene suggestions gather from
your listener emails or from our patron v I P supporters.
That's right, joined the Patreon cause if you care at
all about the future of our show. No, listen, we
love hearing from you. If you if it makes sense
(06:09):
to join the patroon by all means, there are lots
of bonus bonus things available there. Maybe you want them,
maybe you don't. It's totally up to you. Uh, it's
all relative, and leave my relatives out of it. But
if you would like to join, head on over to
patreon dot com slash alchemy this there's going to be
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(06:32):
We'll be able to join us in this zoom while
we record. They will shut the funk up and not
be allowed to participate, But you'll be in the zoom
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tell you what it's worth. Head out over to patron
dot com slash Alchemius. If you'd like to smit a
scene suggestion via email, please please just write to us
(06:54):
at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemy
that I love you. Seen one comes from our favorite patroon, Alcamaniac,
Hailey Bonds right, who wrote hi new scene suggestion. It
would be cool if Craig was present for this one,
(07:16):
but if not, that's okay too. It goes like this
couple who hates camping goes camping with a couple who
loves camping because she knows Greig hates camping. It is
Craig present for this, Hale present and accounted for. So
you guys, uh, you guys gonna camp on this area
(07:37):
over here? Is this good for you? This is as
far as I know. This is spot number seventeen and
we rented spots seventeen, so okay, yeah, just making sure
I'm your neighbor time. Yeah, they're gonna be in that spot, Larry,
(07:57):
I mean, are you is this? This? Is this no
able to have camping spots so close to each other?
I thought we're neighbors. Okay, here you share? Man? Do
you guys mind if I tell you something man to
man to man, I mean I don't how about you, Larry?
All right, Uh, this is my first time camping. Hi there,
(08:26):
welcome to the camp grounds. Do you have your reservation?
Do we do? We have our reservation? I thought you
have a name or the number either or works name
or number? Um, I think didn't you make the rest?
(08:47):
You can just tell me your name and I look
that up on my name or hers? Who? I think
these guys are trying to Definitely they don't want to
of their name. Can't what they want. I have a job.
I want to do my job. Listen, I have a set, Todd,
(09:08):
I got a second book for people trying to get
off the grid. Here check them in with this book.
I think you're crazy. No, no, no, listen. A lot
of people go camping because they're trying to escape something.
So when they make a reservation online, they probably don't
have a reservation. These guys trying to get off the
stane and how would they how would they be in
your book? They're not yet You're gonna put look at
(09:30):
this book? Give them here's my issue. Listen, you're you're
really fucking this up, dude. Say if I have put
them say, on lot twelve, they don't have a reservation.
Then somebody comes in invation on lot twelve. What do
I do? I think a love Well, I don't know.
I mean, well, these guys have this really intense conversation
(09:52):
across the room from us. I heard, I heard a
lot twelve, So I think that's for us. Well, you're
just hearing random phrases. I think probably probably they're full
and we probably should just turn around and okay for
you guys, now, perhaps you're looking to get away wink wink,
(10:13):
actually looking to are you trying to get off the grid? Well,
normally we go to wine Country and uh and do
like tastings, but like we drive there and like we
stay in a hotel. All right, here's what I'm gonna
do for you. A lot sixteen. That's for you, Lot sixteen.
(10:35):
So we're gonna take a left down the driveway and
just go down for a little bit and you'll see
all the lots. There's numbers everywhere. Cool. Thank you, and
please know collecting rocks. The rocks here are very important.
We're just here because our couple's counselor told us that
we needed this, So so I'm not looking to get
off the grid. Okay, enjoy it, enjoy your day. Okay,
(11:00):
Well that was great. He never got our name or
any payment information or anything. I guess it's perfect. I
guess it's free because it's kind of like I guess
because it's therapeutic. Awre you doing. My name is Hugh Sherber.
I'm a reservation number six four six four. Say the
lot sixteen should be ours? Oh six four or six four? Yep?
(11:24):
I got you right here? Give me one secon hey, asshole. No, well,
you're acting like an asshole because the one thing that
happen away from these Let's just step away from these
guys so we can talk over. Well, you've lost it.
You've gotten down a fucking rabbit hole, whole conspiracy theory,
off the grid. Ship's fucking this business. No, you don't
(11:45):
realize there's a lot of people that come in here.
I got Dale Deale's gonna come down here with some
fake ideas. So good news for you, good news for
we are acting. We win the dad, Dad, When can
I hunt for rocks? Not sign one now? Okay, just
when we get down, you'll be able to hunt for
(12:08):
rocks that GM and not right now sorry, go ahead,
do we win the lottery. You win the camping lottery,
We're actually gonna upgrade you to a double lot nineteen
and twenty. Those are oh my gosh, are family lot.
We go there every year sixteen every year. Well in
(12:30):
nineteen and twenty, have our is your new home? And
quick little note about the rocks. They have now been
deemed endangered, so no rocks can leave the predaces bullshit,
all not there, Ryan, hold on, Well he just wants
to hunt them, all right, So he's just gonna trap
them and release. Isn't that right? Ryan? Yeah, trap the
(12:51):
rocks and I release the rocks. Dale, This is uh
from the campground. I need a couple of people. UM
need identities. They're changing out identities, so I don't know
what I want message. Oh oh Dale? Um, I can't
(13:12):
say who this is because we're talking illegal things here,
but I got a couple of people down at Lot
sixteen and they need new identities. Dale, Thank god you're here.
I hate leaving messages about this. Uh do would identity?
I can't tell you who this is? Off the bitch?
Are we both actually supposed to fit in this thing?
(13:36):
This is app this is tiny. I need. This is
a one person tent. I don't think they're I don't know.
I went to Hey, neighbors, how's it going, How you doing?
H We're Tom and Larry. Welcome folks. Let us know
if you need anything. We gotta everything but rocks. You know.
(13:58):
I'm actually supposed to key our communication with others to
a minimum. It's really just about we're supposed to focus
on each other this weekend, looking into each other's a
lot of eye contact. Oh yeah, okay, I mean we've
heard that before. We kind of take it personally, but
you folks seem nice. Yes, um, yeah, it's not personal. Gosh,
(14:23):
but we love to hang out with you guys. Maybe later,
maybe later that. Yeah. The tent you've got going here
is a little Is this upside down or inside out
or something like it? I just don't think that's a
child's tent. Ye, you're not gonna want to. Oh why
(14:43):
don't you crash in our We got enough for like
ten people, but it's just us two. Yeah, I mean
it's an r V. Yeah. Oh yeah, I see it now. Yeah, yeah,
all the sports games going. We've got a gig for
ten people. Do you like you like sized cooked? Beans.
Uh we we do. I gotta. I brought a bunch
(15:05):
of spreads and dips from Trader Joe's and over here.
What can I acknowledge that you appreciate it? I acknowledge
you went to trade to Joe's. I appreciate that you
went to trade to Joe's. You're bringing something to the table. Hi. Um,
I don't have a reservation, but I do have two
clients that are on your grounds that I need to
speak to immediately. Uh, well, who is it? I'd rather
(15:32):
not give you their information. It's okay. Well they might
be here to get off the grid, so uh this
is kind of awkward. Okay, Well I sent them here. Um,
I'm their counselors. I do all the identity swaps around here.
So if you're sending people here and you're not telling me,
then you're missing a main piece of the whole project.
(15:55):
Can you just tell me where you might have sent
some couples? If there were some people off the grid
looking for new identities, I've already got a guy coming
up here to swap them out. Okay, they got go
bags and they're going to be out of here, so
you don't need don't worry about it. Push me again. Uh, honey,
(16:17):
are you are you asleep? Um? I was, I'm not.
The bugs are so loud. They're loud, and I'm sweating.
I'm just hot night. It would should cool down. It
cools down in the city at night. I'm both freezing
and sweating some high. Oh my god, Michelle eating subway here, Now,
(16:49):
that's that's one of my farts. And then she needs
to acknowledge that that is my fart smelling subway, And
I do. I acknowledge that your fart smelling subway. And honestly,
they could smell worse. That smells actually manufactured at subway.
So Michelle, what are you doing here? I mean, I
didn't give you one big piece of advice, the last
puzzle piece of this whole weekend, have a little fun.
(17:14):
You came all the way here in the middle of
the night to tell us to have fun, have some fun, Michelle.
The board has decided to revoke your license. The overreach. Michelle.
It's going to our attention that many of your clients
and hands on, I'm hands on that. Yes, that scene
(17:37):
on quick answer from the from the Board scene too
comes from listeners Xander Davis, who wrote Kevin, I have
a very particular set of skills that make me a
nightmare for someone like you, because one of them isn't
scene suggestions attempting redemption. The clown tries to book, tries
(18:02):
to book gigs in the town from Stephen King's it.
Thanks for your time, Xander, Hi, there can I help you? Yes?
I would like to have a birthday party? Okay? And
uh is it your birthday? Yep? It's gonna be my
birthday next week, so ideally i'd have it on a Saturday,
(18:23):
Next Saturday. Oh, next Saturday? Okay? And what sort of
entertainment are you thinking about? Steve came out of nowhere, hypnotis,
I could hypnotize Martial Arts Crew, little overwhelming, so many options. Um,
(18:53):
I was thinking about a clown, somebody government animals. Oh whoa,
he disappeared, So I'm gonna go for me. Yeah, that's Blimpo. Uh,
I'm Blimpo's son. I'm Blimpa Blimpa. Sorry. Um, is this
(19:17):
the kind of clown you're thinking? Um? Well, because I
loved to laugh? All right, that's I gotta have that.
I gotta smoke indoors? Is the party outside er in? Well? Well?
I wanted to have a party here in your facility.
Oh you wanted you wanted to have at the Dairy
(19:38):
Community Center. Yeah, that's why I came here to set
up and schedule my party for next Saturday. You see, Um,
my house recently burnt down and I did not do it. Um,
but it's no longer there and it's not my fault. Question.
Sorry interrupt? What's your name? I'm blamed up? Linda? Yes,
(20:02):
be straight with me. Are you on the lamb? Um?
I'm not writing a lamb. Are you on the run
from the fence? Run from the fence? You can? You
can tell me you can. Do you have cash? Do
you have cash? I have my father's credit card number memorized.
(20:24):
Now listen, sir, I'm gonna be straight with you. We
are with the FBI and we are looking for this
young lady. Have you seen her? WHOA? I was that
work and I saw a woman that looks like that
and she was trying to But do I have to
(20:46):
tell you? And what do you do for a living? Sir? Well,
I'm a hippist, but I promise I won't use it
on you. I promise. Okay, Okay, So you saw someone
that resembles this at your places. Actually, I should probably
have a lawyer or something. I depend on this community
center for work. I book a lot of gigs. Okay, okay,
(21:11):
all right, well I'm just gonna it's gonna walk around,
thank you for your time. Thank you. You will not
walk around deal believing welcome back here? Hey, that couldn't
(21:31):
help A notice, y'are you're saying to be setting up
for a birthday party? Yeah? What's up? Well, uh I
couldn't help. I notice that you've got oversized shows and
uh fried wag? Yeah, what do you need? Well? Uh,
(21:54):
just I couldn't help. But notice that you up here
in a bit clown. May mean I couldn't help us
with here an ass? The funk? Do you want to? Well,
in the town of Derry, we uh we tend to
frown on clowds. So what you gotta fight me? Well,
it's it's not coming from me. I'm just saying that
(22:15):
other people and dairy you know. Uh, I gotta have
a bit of a reaction to a clown being around. Look,
that a my problem, and so far you're the only
one telling me this. Okay, So either you got a
problem with me or all these phantom people in there.
You do well, you know you gotta have to get
a po mats to uh to have an outside birthday
(22:36):
party in downtown Darry Oh is that a hold? Then?
Is this it right here? Huh? Well that appears to
be a metal finger? Look at that. Let me make
a balloon aim out of that. Oh I just know.
Am I gonna snap my finger? And I'm not gonna
do that? Uh? Yeah, look, what do you want? What
do you want? Do you want? Now? Listen? Mr Mayor? Uh,
(22:57):
we want to leave your nice town as soon as possible.
You have to understand, is that this young lady murdered
her parents and then burn them in the home. Well,
that is that is distressing, So you know, any help
(23:17):
you could give us, I'm just trying to wrap my
mind around around why a clown is? Is? I mean,
I also I understand that we also have to uh
to deal with this young lady in her particular situation.
But we we just don't have a good history here
in Dairy with clowns. Oh, I'm familiar, I'm familiar. Oh yeah,
(23:43):
why don't you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.
I'll get rid of this clown for you. If you
can bring this young woman to me, Well, if you
go to uh to Bias uh carruthers uh curiosity shop.
He's got a backscratch that it's it's probably as more
efficient than then scratching with your own hands, Thank you
(24:06):
very much. But but but it's it's Tuesday. He wouldn't
be open, Koe. It's it's on Saturday. It's on Saturday.
It's at three pm. You've got to be there. I don't.
I don't want to go. You're my best friend, it's
my birthday. We're celebrating. Get over your thing with clowns.
(24:27):
It's kind of fun. My little brother was killed by
clothe Like we all go through stuff, right, like hen
get something? I heard they have a great magician there. Yeah,
I didn't. I don't like his vibe. Freaked me out.
If I'm going to always wanted to learn martial arts.
(24:49):
Could he just popped up in a cloud of smoke.
It smelled like a subway shop. I didn't like it.
Then he disappeared. Oh you you like the kicker in
the screen, the kicker, the puncher guy. He said, he
I just don't want to clown my little brother was
killed and only his boots. It's please, don't don't get
(25:10):
a clown at your party now, Agents, I I appreciate
that you've got a job to do, but you you
don't understand our history with clowns. Thirty years ago a
clown murdered a kid and a bunch of twelve year
old kids. Uh had to had to defeat him. And
then and then they all fucked each other to get
(25:31):
to get rid of the spirit of the clowns. And
all the all the kids fucked each other. Okay, and
you can look it up. It's happened. They you know,
they may not have included that part in the movie,
but it's it's right. It actually happened. Hey, Tobias, good
to see you today. Well, hello, Tobias. Who are you
(25:58):
talking to here? Is this is a potential Tobias. Well
I didn't get his first name, are you That would
be a quite a coincidence, Agent, if your first name
was also Tobias. No it is not, now are you
Mr Caruthers, Yes, sir, Now he owns the aforementioned Curi curiosity. Yeah,
(26:21):
that's not. Now. I'm looking for this young lady. Have
you seen her anywhere? Oh ma, we have seen her. Yes,
we have great anything else? Yeah, perhaps I can interest
you in a back scratching. He's got a good back scratching. Um. Boss,
I I'm not gonna use any hypnotism on you. I'm
(26:42):
sorry for just barging into your office, but an FBI
agent is walking around in our building and he was
looking for the girl that hired the clown. So I
just wanted to tell you that that's happening. And I
know that here in the Commune Unity Center, we've got
a lot of options, but you probably could send more
(27:04):
to the hypnotistance and bringing inside information to you. Poof Listen,
I've already told you him. Are you looking for? Oh,
you're talking to him now? You know. He's giving me
a very long, dramatic pause. I don't know if he
(27:24):
doesn't know. He runs this this right, he's the boss
for us. So we're all here now. We just need
the boss to speak up? Boss, Yeah, what what can
I what's the problem. It's just that there's the FBI
looking around. All right, I'll set up what do you
(27:49):
want to do this? Um? Listen, man, I don't think
anyone's coming, so we don't have to wait for anyone.
You can just you can do your show still get paid. Yeah,
I just I'm going to see your show alone. Okay, weird,
It's not okay, it's actually not weird. Sometimes people want
(28:10):
to be alone. They don't want to be in a
house with their annoying parents telling them what to do
all the time. Sometimes they just want to be alone.
It's not when I came, I'm gonna watch the show
with you. Never mind, it's going to be a show
for two, me and my best best friend, best friend.
(28:31):
Do do do Do Do Do Do Do Do? Do's
a scary scary like knives. You're going to vote you lady,
come up my birthday. Okay, make me laugh. Alright, put
(28:58):
your hands up, okay, intention to sky all right? Now,
put your legs like kind of like you know, there
we go. Okay, now, don't move, I'm gonna throw these knives,
all right, don't move, all right, I can't. It's hard
to balance. You see. You can get to some of
the nooks and cranes in your back that no one
else can. That scene three comes to some Paton, Mary
(29:30):
Gray love Mary Cray, who wrote Hey Alchemists coming at
you with a scene suggestion unintentional cannibal have fun. Now,
if you follow along this path here, everyone should be,
as we say, safe and sound. But you want to
(29:52):
stay on the path at all the times? You just
kind of there was like a ear quotes we're safe
and sound. Right, yes, in a matter of speaking, if
you follow me closely, you should be both safe and not.
Just up here on the right you'll find the old swamp. Now,
the old swamp, of course, is where the first settlers arrived.
(30:14):
And well they are in fact deep in the swamp.
If you was that was that a question? I know,
I was just that's oh, they're buried under there. No,
I wouldn't say period, I'd say lives lost. Let's just
leave it at that, shall we do get time for
a picture with thick? Can we get a yes? To
(30:36):
step right up to the swamp right around the edge.
Everything is completely safe, okay? And these are both your children? Yeah?
Do you mind taking the picture? I don't mind it
at all. No, you have a cameraight, so just my
phone if you what do you mean? Just my phone?
My phone has a cat to call someone who might
(30:56):
have a camera. If you look at this this on
this side, it's phone and on this side, there's a camera.
You're saying, there's a camera in your phone. Yeah, it's
a it's a it's a. Well, I'll be alright. You've
never seen Give me some of that beef jerkey. Give
me some of that jerky. It's my beef jerky. I said,
just give me some. You can give me some. Fine,
(31:19):
you have this much, it's like a crumb. Well, I'm
the one with a paper rout who can buy his
own beef jerky. Alright, kids, all right, he's figured out
the camera. Let's just pose and look like we're happy
as a family. M I'm going to take several so
that everyone a little closer together. There, we are closer.
(31:43):
One to three, one to three. Stop eating that, dad,
I'm hungry. I'm hungry too. I want to finish all
the beef jerkey so he can't have any damn starving. Okay, well,
y'all looking for so many. We're on a tour with
this gentleman here. So yeah, my brother is hungry because
(32:03):
you didn't have a summer job. Yeah, we're already on
a tour with this gentleman. Can have my phone. Oh
you're on a tour, go forget it. Then you can't
dan he's selling snacks. Yeah, but that guy's got my
phone and he's walking off, and he said it was
dangerous if we just better big better big on. This
(32:25):
guy's charismatic. This guy's charismatic. Okay, okay, here's ten dollars.
What do I get for that? You know? Well? That
gives you on that row right here, any of these
fond delicatessens. I get my own jerkey. Yes, no, you
can have my jerky ot with this and with that
guy stuff. Oh, I don't know. When you get into this,
(32:49):
you might become a dick dead damn weird way to
say that. We gotta go quick without us. Just get
picked something. Warn children, be worn children. The meat that
is cured inside these bags, it's not like any meat
your lips have ever touched before. Lucky. All right, then,
(33:13):
if we just along the path here and keep in
mind any snacks you've brought along, you should continue to
eat until your hearts content. More food for you, the better.
So how was the tour? You didn't even wake me up.
You just went with the kids. Listen. I I feel
(33:34):
like sometimes we just fight the little time, okay, And
I felt like I could. How much did we spend
for Michelle and that goddamn Couples therapy dad, Steve, he's
biting me, Well, then let's get Can we get him
something to eat? Please? We just got them something to eat.
They were eating. They're hungry. Obviously. We met this weird
(33:57):
guy and he gave us each a giant delicate test
and we ate it a delicate testing like a store. Yeah,
and my, uh my, my beef jerky sucks so much.
I left it like a trail like it was Hans
and Gretel. Okay, don't waste food, Okay, Steve, I don't
waste it. I ate all that delk test the guy
gave us. Yeah, but then you left some of that
(34:17):
jerkey on the floor. Well, I want more meat like
the delC Tessan. Okay, well let's go get some more meat. Okay, honey,
can we just look at him some meat down? I
think you should go with them. Hi, Yes, I have
a complaint. Um, I went on the tour earlier. There
was First of all, my tour guide was extremely sleepy,
(34:38):
and um he made me want to fall asleep. Now
I didn't fall asleep, thank God for my own for
my dog. I don't. I don't. I don't work with
the hotel at all. I'm a separate, independent business. Well,
let me just get it off my chest, okay, because
I gotta complain to sucking someone. Let' me tell you
that my dog MITSI is the love on my fucking
(35:00):
like Okay. It's the only thing that keeps me going
every day. Do you know what happens when she eats
beef products? Cow beef products. I don't know. It's not good.
Just a little taste of a cow beef product will
send her vomiting projectile. And it's green. It doesn't look
like food. It looks like the inside of her. You're
(35:21):
coming out a mucous sack over the It's horrible. And
let me tell you. We went on this beautiful tour
and what I didn't know but found out later was
the pormits who was eating beef the whole time. What's
going on here that y'all are just sprinkling beef beef
that's not beef? Well, let me tell you, based on
her bodily functions, I know it was cow beef because
(35:45):
I know how my Mits reacts. So you tell me
what I know about my dog I'm telling you right now,
that's human flesh. All right. Excuse you're out of your mind.
You know what I do need to I do need
to complain to someone real because you're out of your mind. Steve,
You're out of your mind. Get off of me, Daryl,
(36:06):
give me, just give me a finger. What the hell's
going on with you? Just give me a finger? Do
you need a tension because mom and Dad are falling
out of love? Is that what's happening right before our eyes?
You know that when we're on this vacation. Yeah, you
don't need both your pinkies. Look, I'm still right handed.
(36:30):
Let me eat your left pinky. If I had to choose,
I guess I live with dad. You gotta come up
with that. You're trying to change the subject. I want
to eat your left pinky. You wanta eat someone's pinky?
Why don't you go eat someone else's pinky? You want
to find somebody and murder them and eat their whole body?
Is that what you want to You're weirdo. I don't know. Maybe, well,
(36:51):
I got a knife. Okay, Mom is gonna want you
to live with her, By the way, fine, do you
think it's my fault that there's they're splitting up. Dam,
I'm sorry, your dog is gonna have to be relocated
somewhere else or how somewhere off the property. It's it's
a bit too other people. I'm sorry. I don't know what.
(37:17):
I can't be in the same room or car. I
can't get the dog off the property. It keeps trying
to bite me. I don't know what MITSI is a
completely different animal. Now. This just to be the best
friend the level of my life, ma'am. I'm so sorry.
I don't know what is morning. I pick meet up
every morning and we do butterfly kisses. You know what
(37:37):
that is? That's eye lashed time, because she's got beautiful,
luscious lashes. That's a half a niece, that's what. That's
part of the breed. And I paid for that and
she won't even do that with me. Now I go
for it and she's trying to bite my face. You
see this? How are you two young fellas there? You should?
(37:59):
You're out late tonight? Are you lost? We have a curfew?
Oh oh what No? No, I'm just a local here
and just concerned when I see youngsters out this light.
Do you have family? Uh? I had family, yet they've
all moved on. It's just me now. He that. Well, well,
(38:24):
that's a good question. I'm mostly hunting fish, so I
had a lot of a lot of fish, and uh yeah,
i'd say every start starbursts. Oh you're talking about kid
food snacks. No, I don't need a lot of those.
They were cut out of my diet by three different doctors.
(38:45):
So I'm mostly fish. Well, sure, there's a whole store.
I guess they sell a lot of them. So if
you just hang out in front of the store, you
probably found some people. Hi, sir, just going over and
talking to any of the families here at the hotel. Uh,
there we found a mutilated local. So yeah, I just
(39:11):
want it's that's horrible and I process fear with laughter.
So I want you to know that and that's not
not that's not not normal. I think that it's shocking.
I would laugh if I wasn't startled. Right, Yes, exactly,
thank you, And so I just wanted to let you
know that I'm not sure where your wife is. I
(39:32):
see her. I think she's on the kids right now. Okay, Well,
just um, just so you know, the body has left
on display. Darryl do you think if we kill and
eat a guy that that ate a lot of starbust,
that he's gonna taste like lemon, strawberry, cherry and green apple.
We can only hope better than tasting like fish. So
(39:55):
what do you say? I don't know. I just feel
like your standards are too high, that like us roaming
around late at night in the small town, that we're
gonna meet some guy we ate a lot of starburst. Yeah,
maybe you're right. Let's just kill the next person. It
sounds good. Who look at this? Look who it is? Well,
(40:17):
look who it is? Actually, I gotta time my shoe.
You were walking ahead and I was just walking past here.
I'm just what are you doing? Next person? You're supposed
to be with your mom. She's kissing a guy at
(40:37):
a bar. D We gonna ask you a question, Yeah,
do it deep? Do it? Agean younger? Um, we gotta
take you off that that clown case and dairy? Thank god?
Thank god? What's you got for me? We got something
(40:57):
right up your alley looks like this. Let me get
right up my alley all right? Doesn't involve dead people? Children? Yep, yep,
fill the in filly in Apparently there's some haunted beef
jerky at a swamp hotel in Louisiana. Excuse me, I'd
(41:21):
like to file an official complaint. I was out on
the balcony because I can't even stay in my room,
and well, I'm gonna get it off my chest. But
can you just listen to me for a for a
second sixty seconds? I can't even stay in my hold,
my works. My dog's gotten gone off the fucking rocker.
(41:43):
Anytime I walk by, it's trying to take chunks out
of my body. So I'm stuck in the balcony. The
dogs should be in the balcony and I should be
in the room. But I love her. I love her,
and I know she needs that postopedic man. I'm with
the FBI. Um is your husband around? Just because I'm
a woman doesn't mean I have a husband? Oh? Oh
(42:07):
so No? No husband, Okay, no husband, no life, nothing,
not even honestly a dog, but barely. At this point,
I'm so lone. Have you spent any time with any
children recently? Not to my recollection, No, have you tasted
(42:27):
any human blood recently? What's going on over here? People
are bringing up human flesh like it's no big deal.
You're the second person. And now that's talked to me
about this, this this nonsense. Not well, all I know
is he did not he did not work here, and
I it wasn't an official complaint that I was filing.
It was unofficial. But he was a good listener, kind eyes,
(42:52):
and I would say a strong chest. Now I started
with a shirt on, but you can tell sometimes some
fabrics give it away. Awesome, Thank you very much for
your time. Can you actually do you mind just passing
me just some food? Balcony to balcony, if you could
just pass me. I am starving here. Maybe a blanket. Sure,
(43:16):
I've got one lounge chair and that's it, and I'm
freaking it. Does it does actually cool off at night? Here? Okay, yeah,
there's a blanket. Here's some I'll know that drop. Oh no,
all right, I'll just walk around the crowns and look
for something suspicious. I'm a good FBI agent. I'll just
(43:42):
take in my surroundings, get a feel for things. M M.
What's this jolly rant? A wrapper? Nothing suspicious there? Oh? No,
manage mine, man, This rapper is yours? Yeah, man, that's mine. No,
you're taking my ship. The hell you doing? Man? Man?
(44:05):
Where did you come from? Know? You mean? Man? What
are you here? Man? I work here? Oh? Okay, okay, okay,
give it back man, Well fuck you up. Okay, Mom,
if we had to live without dad, well we both
(44:27):
live with you. No, why just one, honey. You have
to understand that both of you have a piece of
me and your dad. And did you say a piece
of meat? No? I said a piece of meat? Oh? Sorry?
(44:48):
Are you hungry? No? No, I'm full? Okay, I'm so full. Good.
Your dad should be meeting us here in a pit?
Do you know where he is meeting us? Me? Yes?
I did say me nuts. Yes, you're both wearing a
piece of his pants. What's going on? Where my mom
was saw you kissing that guy in the bar? Good?
(45:15):
I'm wearing I'm wearing dad's left pant leg and Darrel's
wearing Dad's right pant leg. So you know fine? Okay, good,
that's fine. Good. That was gonna happen sooner or later.
All right, that's just mom. We can't drag this out
any further. We've got to be honest with you. What's
going on? We force fed dad a bunch of star
(45:39):
birds that oh, god man, Oh, oh fudge, that that
was that unintentional. Those cannibals very little about it. Jackie.
(46:02):
I'm so glad you got to be here for this.
Me too. Thank you for having me really really, um, well,
how will you spend the rest of your day? Do
you think today? You know, I'm gonna do a little
bit of writing, all right, do a little bit of exercise.
I'm gonna go to the dog park. Yeah. So a
(46:25):
full day, So full day, and if Pat's lucky, I'll
squeeze a shower and they're somewhere, well here's hoping. So
a full day, but a chill night, you know what
I mean? It's moving hicle is that's when we watch
movies and this oh nice? Yeah, any idea which film
you might be taking in this evening? You know, on
(46:46):
Saturdays we watch a movie out of a hat and
we don't have a choice, you know, we pick out
a hat. But this is how you just like you're
smoking a jake. Um. And but on Wednesdays we pick
whatever we want and it can you know, so I'm
not sure. I'm not sure this week, but I'd like
(47:09):
it to be fun. Last Wednesday we watched which is
a wonderful movie. Um, however, just destroyed me emotionally, so
I definitely would like a bit of a fun romp
this week. Well, good luck with your selection. I hope
it goes well out of the hat on Saturday. And uh, yeah,
please report back which you ended up watching. Maybe it'll
(47:31):
be Wine Country Coach starring Craig Atkowski. I've seen one Country,
you know, I have, of course I have. Come on,
it's never watch it again, and I'll watch it again. Actually,
Pats never watched it, so maybe we will watch it.
Uh and Craig Felice Miracles everyone. And if you haven't
(47:53):
read Stephen King's it in a while, there's parts that
didn't make it into the miniseries or the movie, so
so check it out. When you say parts, do you
mean the screwing parts. Yeah? Just give it an orgy.
It was an orgy sewers with children, Jez. That's how
you beat up. It's absolutely right. It's one girl and
(48:13):
a bunch of boys and that's how they beat the
penny Wise the clown. Is it an orgy? That's how
they beat fucked. So weird that that didn't make it
into either of the movies or the minisure. I can't
imagine them making it into the movies. Well, thank you, nonetheless,
Christo Verando, what did you learn today? What did I learned?
(48:36):
You know, I learned? Could you tell I was having
an emergency on my end that I was that? So
that that's okay, that's you know, I gotta I gotta
follow the fun anyway, you know what I mean. I
gotta work on that because I I do. I do
a lot of you know, trying to wrinkle stuff and
justify things, and you know, sometimes that's okay, but sometimes
(48:56):
you just gotta play. Just gotta follow the fun. Follow
the fund is not a bad way to go in life.
Well I did that for a lot of years, and
then I had so excellent point, follow the fun and
improv take your life a little more seriously. I like
that as well. Thank you and Joey. If we had
anything to live by today according to your Bible, what
(49:19):
would it be the sword? Thank you for that, James. Well,
I had been asking for a while and it was
really wonderful. I just love the fact that we got
from Don ull Rik. Finally he gave us review. I mean,
I shouldn't say finally, it's it's titled as Good as
It Gets the best podcast out there. And then we
also got one from IRMA seventy five always a good Time, uh,
(49:44):
five star reviews. Where did you see these reviews? Well,
I find them on something called Charitable but they were
put on let's see Apple Podcast. They were both Apple
Podcast reviews. There you go, go to Apple. However, you'd
like to write a review, we would love to hear.
Jane just read it, so please do. Thank you all.
Let's thank our producer, engineer of the stars, Mr Doug
(50:06):
ban I Heeart Media, and Kevin Pollack. Reminding you to
please be kind to each other. Good luck out there,
until next time.
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