July 28, 2020 • 61 mins
Crew of astronauts on International Space Station have been up there too long.
TV network scrambles to fix reality show that casts all sober people.
Pentagon braces for nuclear war after misinterpreting “OK Boomer.”
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
I welcome back to another episode Alchemy, this coviddition. I'm
your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes, that's Kevin Pollock's up. Well,
I'll tell you what, when you figure out how the
latter works, I'll change the life. And that's how many
jerks it takes to screw it. Oh, but I digress.
(00:23):
Let's meet an alchemist showering no particular order to say
hello to Chris Alvarado. Chris, please take the piss. What's
the third thing people are surprised to hear about you?
The third thing? Um um quick inventory. Well I went
(00:44):
through that hispanic that I'm an alcoholic alcoholic. Probably the
third is that I'd never graduated college. Yeah, well I
graduated in nine months. My friends called the dropping out,
but I think we showed the same. I spent six
years at a community college. A little bit different, Yeah, yeah,
slight slightly different. Times stuck. Say hey, there's Craig Kaikowski. Kakaw,
(01:08):
what is a standout lesson from producing and acting in
the Great Show Drunk History all these damn years? A
standout lesson? Uh? Talk out loud when you lip sync? Yes,
don't just move your mouth around like actually say the
words and pronounce them out loud, and you'll make all
(01:29):
the all the spittle and all the mouth sounds you
normally make. It will look make it look more authentic.
And how many episodes, be honest, had you done before
someone realized that I had a hundred? Dammit? So close? Uh?
Please welcome first time or jacked Gonzalez Dorothy. I'm sure
(01:51):
I said that wrong. Hey, close enough. How's it going, um, Jackie?
Oh mg? As a new first time or tradition, please
tell us any awkward story from your early days in improv?
Oh okay, I had. I did an audition for an
(02:15):
improv team and they made you do a bunch of things,
and one of the things that you had to do
was sing a song, any song, And so the only
thing that popped into my head was this commercial jingle
that I didn't realize was not national. Uh. I was
in Chicago at the time, but singing a Miami commercial
(02:35):
jingle that was extremely sexual. It went like this, Joey,
you might recognize it? Who only at Mattress Giants? Oh uh,
I didn't make the team. That's so unfair. Yeah, people
thought that I made that song up, and yeah, it
(02:57):
was very awkward for sure. Thank you for sharing. Hey,
there's Mark Gagliardi. Where party in a peanut M and M.
What's your favorite candy? Uh? The Reese's Peanut butter cup.
Keep talking, hands down. You've got the outside ridge, so
there's a little bit of there's a little bit of
texture there to get started with, like the crust on
a P, B and J. You can eat around as
(03:18):
much of that as you want before diving into the
significantly softer middle. I think with a crusty outside in
a soft middle a P B and J, a good
cinnamon roll, I'm in that. That outer rim you speak
of now sounds so inviting. It feels like on the
Reese's cup once you get to the beyond it to
the center would be kind of disappointing. Yeah, it's by
(03:40):
By the time you get there, it's you've already done
all you had, all the good stuff. You're not saving
the best bite for last. Damn it, damn it. Well,
thanks for sharing, and last, but shipping your shoe and
give it to him at half past two. If you
think him leaves, it's Joey Greer. Janet, what was the
last time you used a shovel? And why last time
I used a shovel, there was a dead rat outside,
(04:03):
And my go to instinct is just let it sit,
you know, let nature take its course. Uh you know,
different carry on beasts will come over and they'll chew
on it, and they'll just let it be the way
it's supposed to be. But I live in a concrete jungle,
so it's not it's not you know, they can't go
into the ground. So my first thought was, all right,
what what do I have around me? And uhans and
(04:25):
then I had my feet let me finish the story.
And then I so I'm thinking about, like, you know what,
what else? You know? So I, you know, I go
into this little side the class area. I'm like, what
do I got? What do I got in there? And uh,
you know, I I there was some some ore, right
and there's some wood, and I was like, okay, I
can make a shovel. So what I did is I
started heating the ore and I started, uh you know,
(04:46):
pounding it down, and I smoothed it out and then
I realized it was too smooth, so I had to restart.
Now one thing we do is this is a little
lesson for everybody. If you're smelting any kind of ore.
When you read, when you put that war back into
the furnace, heated back up to reforge it, it loses
it's it's it's strength, right, So you're just you're you're
making it softer. So I ended up making up just
(05:07):
a soft metal, super soft metal segain super soft and
is he still going on? All right? Let me get
a Shirtbut to get us to the end of this story,
almost all of our scenes today are gathered from our
(05:28):
listener emails. If you'd like to submit one, please right
to the podcast at your name here at alchemy thissk
dot com. Simply type the words your name here seen.
One in fact, comes from Katon k A T E.
N Caton Kayton anybody somebody Katon who wrote Dear Alchemy
(05:54):
this team. This is my second scene suggestion since last year.
I've been around since the turn Loves Diner incidents scene. Wow.
I think that might have been our first episode, the
turtlest Dinner, and I must say I have been absolutely
hooked on this podcast since the get go. My personal
favorite was the one where strangers wake up on an
(06:16):
alien ship Timeless classic. But I digress. I can't really
remember if my last suggestion was acted up. And I
do hope this little old fan mail is received as
I have no idea how to become a Patreon well
I can give you an idea, Caden whoa go to
(06:38):
patreon com slash out to me this We're done, um,
and thank you and thank you very much and should
you consider doing that? Thank you? Uh. The The email,
which is now halfway done, continues with please let me
know so that I can throw my money at you
for all the love and lovely work you do for
the rest of the world. You truly are doing us
(06:59):
a verse by making these trying times a little more bearable.
I have a suggestion that might tickle your fancy. A
crew of astronauts on the International Space Station have simply
been up there too long. As a podcast editor myself,
I can't help but admire the art that is alchemy. This,
I must say. Some of my favorite moments and favorite
(07:21):
is spelled either British or Canadian um moments are when
Craig freaks out and when James is completely clueless. Both
are my favorites. To love you guys, never changed yours
until better comes along. Kayton Bernard PS I had no
shame in bumping this email with an all caps subject line.
(07:43):
O little heads up for those of you who may
be writing in UM yep, crue of Astronauts, International Space Station.
Just been up there too long? Hast the same time?
That's fine? Hey, hey to I S. S. What's going on?
(08:05):
You guys doing all right out there? Hey? Um? How
many of you guys are down there having fun while
we're up here? I mean, I wouldn't call a birthday
party fun. I think it's it's necessary. Okay, okay, Well
tell Mike we said happy birthday and sorry we couldn't
be there again this year. I had a dance on prepared,
(08:27):
but nobody's wanted to see it up here, so she
worked on a dance for this. You know what, turn
the colms off? I S S. This is Houston? Do
you copy? Yeah? We were just on with Houston. Is
this Are you also at the birthday party? Just trying
(08:49):
to rub this in? I S S. This is Houston?
Do you copy? Yeah? Houston? This is I S S.
Everybody's copying. Everybody's copying. Everybody wants to be partying on there.
We can't party down there, so we copy up here
as says, looking for the confirmation. This is sst singnal Okay,
(09:10):
I've lost signal. Everybody, all right, it's gonna Code four
please Code four. No dancing, please, no dancing. Come on,
I have a dance for code four. It's a lot
of others. She has worked on so many dances for this.
Why don't you two just make out already? What? What? What?
(09:33):
I don't even know what it is? What's going about? God? Guys, guys, guys,
are you monopolizing the comes again? Hey, let's let me
remind you. Let me remind you. This is International Space
Station and you may be calling Houston, but I'm calling St.
Petersburg okay, And everyone's calls say sergay, there's no one
(09:54):
calling anybody. We're in the middle of a Code four
right now. It seems like we've lost all communication. Okay.
Well I heard somebody trying to call Houston. Okay, and
it feels like you are on seven with Houston, and
sometimes St. Petersburg is wondering what what is your gay
up to? Okay? Yeah, you know, we don't think so's okay,
We don't think anybody is wondering what you're up to? Okay,
We get calls all the time. We get care packages.
(10:17):
Nobody sent you ship. Okay, wait, you guys are getting
care packages. This is St. Petersburg. Um, just to let
you know we're good. Okay, I need the phone. I
need the phones. Okay, this is first time in two
weeks I've talked to St. Petersburg. Okay, do you want
(10:38):
to call me back? No? No, no, it's how how
how have you been St? Petersburg? I think it's bes
if you just called back. Yeah, no, no, I mean
tell me what's going on? Am I missing anything? I'd
hate to impose a lot of things happened here. Your
wife give birth. It's very heat. I need oh Houston.
(11:01):
I had no idea wife was pregnant. First of all,
So your wife is pregnant. I'll give you a dance
than congratulations? Are gay? Okay, okay, guys, guys, Yeah, you
know what I mean. But chocolate cake is probably my favorite,
but vanilla is a close second. Um, ice cream cake.
(11:23):
I've had ice cream cake. I love ice cream cake. Uh,
what kind of frosting when you get the vanilla cake,
vanilla frosting, vanilla frosting and a vanilla cake vanilla So
I don't like Yeah, well, I mean I like that.
That's I'm going. I'm going for the flavor. I'm not
going for all right, listen up, um code f failed.
(11:46):
It looks like we are we are floating into the
dark space. So we couldn't get Houston or St. Petersburg
on the phone. We can't get either. We can't. There's
no communication. We could find my people if you want, Zena,
if you want to, you want to get your call,
you want to try one call, just let me. I
don't know where I'm gonna put it. I don't know
(12:07):
I could call anybody. I'm so popular. Where are your
people from? Against excuse me? Where are your people from? Zena? Oh,
we hail from everywhere. You know. It's a melting pot.
That's a beautiful thing about my country. Everyone comes from
all different places. Everyone finds a home exactly where I'm from.
But if there was a city there that we would
say the name of that city to see if they would.
(12:29):
You know where I'm from. I'm from a very small town.
My very small towns called chick Chok. And if you
want to go to Chickchok, you can, But you know,
not exactly where the that's not where they complated. Z.
You know we are. This is an emergency, So why
don't you go ahead and place that call breaker breaker?
This is Jim bugang breaker breaker called back. Now. I
(12:50):
think we're getting a truck driver's breaking breaker. This is
Jim Bob could make one if we're picking it up.
Oh say we're Binky. Say we're binky. Maybe you say
we're well, we're Jim Bob. We're Binky. It's it's us Binky.
Can you help us? Please? You got Jim Bob hum
was baking too? Come back? This is Binky. Who exactly
(13:15):
you were asking for? Banky? This is banky. I don't know, guys,
I'm bad at Jim A dance for this. Yeah, just
say I'm bink like a baby, Binky like a baby,
and we're gonna put the hammer down. Oh man, look
(13:37):
sounds like somebody got ahold of that is uh ham radio.
That's all right, little fella. Where you hail from? Come
back space the middle of space? We have no other communications.
All right, Everybody gather around Jim Jimmy John here. He's
got another story to tell, he said on his way
in route to this here pub tell him man, don't
(14:00):
just jump. He said, he tell his story. He said
he was reaching out to his baby's mother. Right, hey, man,
let let him tell it. Man, you're letting your he
he ain't get its telling story? All right? If I
tell Jimmy John what you brought us all, hold on, man,
you brought us off here to break bread? And then
you get it. You're gonna tell his damn story. He's
(14:22):
been on the road. Hey, Jimmy Dean, why don't you
settle the funk down? Man, I'll take intro however I
can get it. So, yeah, I was out on I
nine and nine and then yeah, man, I was getting
your back there and then you attack me. Man, what
the hell while you're running that mouth of yours and
that's what got you in the jail for last last
three times. I'm keeping count anecdote and I'm out on
(14:46):
I nine and that and uh I opened her up,
you know she who's out there? What's the plumbing? And
sure enough I get some uh some some call back
from what they said was space space Isn't that crazy?
Thank you said? What? I didn't hear you both? Dan,
I'm gonna say it was one more time and then
I'm gonna come after you. So this is the little
(15:08):
fellow there said that he was in space, and uh,
I assumed he was nuts in the head or or
what have you. They got all kinds of things wrong
with kids now nowadays. I know my aunt June her
Son said, walks into circle for the first hour of
every day. Just a little, a little circle. Can we
get another round of chili? You got it? Be? Are
(15:33):
you talking to later? Okay, everybody quiet, Zena is making
her call. This could save us. This would finally put
chick chalk on the map. Ding ding ding ding ding. Hello, Hello, Hello,
hello chick chalk from space. Hello, Oh my kids in
(15:56):
there from spis Evans. Let's den I show you. You'll
let our small village to go to the big city,
the melting pot, the city where old people from go,
I know. And then they sent me to space. And
then for five years no one has even asked about me. Oh,
we have all been asking about you. Here. We all wonder.
We write letters and we send them. Do you get them?
(16:20):
I have not gotten a single letter. We sent them
through big cannon. Oh okay, I have to go and
really look back at you know, time in my head
and think if I could have maybe seen that and
not realize what it is. You know, a lot of
the bris out here and you never you don't really
know what it is, didn't you? Guys? How's going? How's
(16:41):
it going down there? Are they gonna we need help?
Are they're pretty good? You know? I hate that? Yeah?
We're careening into deep space? Okay, I hear you. Okay,
let me do my thing. Famines are the worst, are
they not? And when it's older, you're like, thank god,
(17:02):
it's over. I love to eat. Ask how the food
in spaces? How is the food in space? We have
a questioned? The food is very dry? It is so dry.
But let's you figure out how to accumulate the spit
in your mouth. It's okay, it's pretty It sounds like
(17:25):
something powered down? Is that right there? We only have
the voice coming through. We lost all power in this
craft except her phone call Zina, make this we need
this help us. Okay, I'm gonna hang up. Wait. Well, well,
(17:47):
I personally like just a little bit of cream on everything.
If you're asking me, have you cream, I'll too whipped cream.
I'll do a halp and health. That's how I'm going
to prepare most of my meals. The doctor says it's
shipped for my cholesterol, but I think it's great for
the skin. Everything's kind of bloated in a way that
makes the wrinkles go away. Right, Okay, So the next
(18:11):
test we're gonna do is we're gonna see we're gonna
put you in a submersive tank and we're gonna just
let you kind of feel the pressure that would be
outer space. Okay, okay, okay, So my psyche val went fine.
It's yeah, I mean, yeah, yes, But because I've had
doctor that I was crazy before, they've said and I
(18:35):
thought that was very unprofessional, but they've done it, so
I just wanted to double check with you. Right, Yeah,
I'm just running the submersible right now, so I'm just
dunking in. So why don't we just I think you
brought your own cream cheese. When we put that to
the side, that's definitely gonna mess with some of the instruments.
Are you sure? Because it's actually packed quite nicely, It'll
probably it'll be fine in the water. Did you get
(18:58):
your lunch break yet? I I'm not. Actually, I'm gonna
take that right now. John, Thank you so much. Okay, Yeah, okay, Hi,
I'm John. I'm gonna to take over now. He's he's
got to take that lunch breaker nassas up our skirt.
If you know what I'm saying. Ah, what's your name, honey?
My name is It's Chandeline, Jean yep, I got you
here on the list shand Lane and oh looks like
(19:21):
you're going to dunkar row. Are you ready? I can
catch you down from ten or five, or sometimes we
just go from two. If you're ready, Yeah, I would
say I'm ready. I just have I guess a quick
question for you. Do I look crazy to you? Would
you say I looked crazy? Look, here's what I'm guessing.
I'm guessing Houston is preparing a team of of of
(19:44):
people who are ready and willing to save us. Okay,
so we hope, So we just relax. And St. Petersburg
also is preparing team of people that are going to come.
The rest of chicktok about so much. But I don't
really feel like I need rescuing. I'm having quite a
good time up here, Miss jim Bob. That's a really
(20:06):
good way to think about things. Tina, this is Houston.
Do you copy I SS Houston, do you before you
answer that? Before you answer, should we consider maybe just
going off into deep space with ZENA no answer the thing.
Let's go on, let's space, baby, come on, let's pa
(20:27):
When did this happen? We finally got a signal back
Surge backed me up here. Look. St. Petersburg is probably
calling any minute wanting to talk to me. Okay, Mrs Houston,
do you if no one else is going to hit
that com I will okay hit the comb. This is
(20:49):
this is I S. S. Houston. Do you hear me? Yeah,
we hear you. Just fine. What's all the panic about there?
What's all the we haven't had power? We haven't. We've
been floating around in deep space. We tried calling you,
we tried. Is there another birthday party going on there
in Houston? Well, there's a lot of people that work here. Yeah,
(21:11):
you know, listen, you're all fine on the dials and
copy flips on this. Hang up, Do not hang up, Please,
do not hang up. This is like BS International bullshit station.
You're missing a nest there, Sarah Gay All right, well listen,
I'll let you fellas get to it. They hung up. Yes,
(21:36):
typical Americans. St. Petersburg would never do this to us.
All the powers coming back. Okay, I guess things will
go back to normal. Oh, thank god, yeah, I S S.
This is Houston, I s S Emergency Broadcast. Do you
copy Houston to I S S. Do you EMERGENC podcasts?
(21:59):
Up to which one isuston? I'll come there to Houston voices.
We have we have two different rooms. We have two
different rooms. Listen, listen, not somebody's name, I mean it is.
There was Sam Houston. He was the governor of Texas.
I think he was the governor of Illinois at one
point too, or so he was. He was the only
American to be governor of different Now he's still a
governor or what he's dead with the emergency, the entire
(22:27):
world right now is a little too hot. There's no
way for us to for anyone to lift off or
for you to come back. Okay, it's just a little
too hot. Do you understand what I'm saying, like metaphorically
or like physically too warm? Physically too, it's a little uncomfortable.
No one wants to get on a spaceship or put
on a suit. So right now you people are gonna
(22:48):
have to be out there for a little longer. Okay,
what does you mean you people? I meant just everyone,
just meant the ascots. So we're different than you somehow. Yes,
your your master scientists, you're you're your pure adventurers. I'm
just an analyst. I'm a numbers guy. I don't I
(23:08):
don't have the same kind of but that y'all do. Okay,
you know we did more than just science analyze. We
have interest in no common interests. Sergay like I I
need to get second opinion. Okay, get me in touch
with St. Petersburg, the guy that I talked to in Moscow. Okay,
his neighbors, Saint Petersburg is based in Moscow. Okay, okay, okay,
(23:31):
transferring now Hello St. Petersburg, Hello Moscow? What is this Moscow?
This is Moscow. Who do you want? I'm trying to
get St. Petersburg in Moscow? Horrible news, horrible news. Oh no,
he was eaten by a rhinold sort of say it's
(23:51):
it's horrible. That sounds like bullshit. That can't be true.
All right, Okay, you found me, you found me that
lot that lie. Okay, but Moscow. You're still based in Odessa? Yes, yes, Okay,
good talk. I'll call you. No that stock. I've seen one,
(24:12):
everybody's seen one. St. Peter's bird Moscot seemed to comes
to us from an alcamaniac. That is the top tier
and your patreon doal uh, Mattie or how do you
even do that Patreon? Yeah? How does that even work?
(24:35):
I'll tell you who knows? Is Matt? Oh, I'm gonna
just let's last name. You're tricky l apostrophe? Who h
e U R e u X anybody who you're not helping?
Joey Matt LaRue. That can't be it either, Matt wrote
(25:00):
to us, Hi Kevin, I wanted to pass along a
scene suggestion. Here's my pitch. A TV network scrambles to
fix a reality show when they realize they've cast only
sober people who can handle conflict appropriately. Yea on the
(25:20):
next season of House on the Hill. Yeah, we've cut
the intro down. Steve I, I'm dead here in the water.
Have you seen this this footage? Who are these people?
We've got to recast the show? Oh my god, did
you fire me? I'm not firing. I'm asking for you
to do your job better. Is that possible? Two? Is
(25:43):
that Okay, can we want clip That's a great idea.
That's a great idea. So I want some support. Let's
play the clip clip seven with intro pleas Okay, this
season of House. I'm sorry, did you play it already?
I thought I was gonna be intro? Okay, well, we
already have a we have a pre recorded intro. But
if we don't, you just hear you all right? You
(26:05):
fired mere prerecorded scenes that if I get fired. I
just want to know if I get fired, I have
a list. If you're not fired, you have job security. Okay,
run the fucking clip. Okay, here we go. So I
apologize if I offended you in any way, and really
I just want to be friends, you know, and just
(26:28):
to be a good roommate. Yeah, I mean, look it,
I appreciate the apology and I accept it. I hear
the problem that you were having as well, and I
I recognize that I'm sorry as well. So let's some
you know, shake on it. Let's be cool. Let's shake great.
That's always compromise. That's the first clip there. Um, maybe
(26:51):
we could use music to spice it up or something,
or one of those like don't don't don't you know,
I got some drama. I got it, I have it.
What's the drama you think you're gonna add? So music?
In in Yellowstone they removed predator species and that really
fucked up the population of beer and I saw that
stuff right, and there was like but but in the
(27:14):
eighties they reintroduced a pack of gray wolves. Now what
that did? What happened, Steve? Will it stabilize the entire region?
Like things are growing back? The deer population was was leveled,
and actually the entire environment was throwing you're saying, yes, exactly,
we need to introduce a pack of gray wolves. How
(27:37):
about just actually Tina. Yes, that's that's a great idea.
Let's bring back Tina. We're guaranteed drama if we put
Tina back into the full Okay, okay, everybody, um you
just doing great in the house. Here, by the way,
it is spotless here, spots. I came here to make friends.
I came here to make friends, and I have made friends. Honestly,
(27:59):
the amount of growth that we've all experienced is through
the fucking roof. Man, Well, it is obvious. I want
to know. It's all right. Let's talk it out. M
I want to introduce you to a new cast member, Danny,
Can I just say something, man? I know you pop
in here and you got to do your job like
you are loved, my man, and you I see you,
(28:20):
and I don't know what you want to do in
your life besides this. I mean, obviously this is work,
but I see you, dude, and I just want the
best for you. All right, you got okay? Okay? Um
hey on that note one, I love you boys, And
(28:42):
to welcome your newest cast member, Tina. Everybody, this is
that guns whoa whoa language, whoa Tina. I'm sorry by
sending you. Uh you smell you smell like alcohol, you know. Yeah,
alright if one of my performed bottles and I just
(29:03):
sprayed around sometimes I open my mouth when I do it.
So what just so you know, um, t J is allergic.
So just if you if you want to spray, maybe
spray when you're outside. And that's so sweet of you.
You're so smart. Wow. Did someone teach you that in
school or something, to be open and aware of other
(29:26):
people's like allergies. I don't understand. Whatever, it's my body,
it's my life, and this is my house right now.
So if you can't get in it and get in
the pool. All right, all right, so we've got some
new clips for your boss. We think you're gonna like this. Okay, excited, excited,
open mind, excited. Tina was the the wolf we needed,
(29:48):
so to speak. So this is um. Obviously at night,
we have our night vision cameras rolling. Just show the clip.
Just Steve, you're on my last Nerve, honestly, seventeen seconds
from being fired your I'm gonna be fired. Everyone's fine. Clip, Steve, Steve,
(30:11):
why don't you give us a live intro? Would you say? Huh?
Back into it? Okay, we're gonna watch this clip Tina.
This season, this season on a house on the hill.
That's fine, guys. Means deal with the new cast member
as they navigate what it means to have a roommate
(30:36):
in the modern day of the city. So here we
thanks Steve. Tina, Tina, what are you doing in my room?
Are you okay? What are you doing in your room?
I'm trying to get my my eight and a half
hours of sleep. I'm trying to find my clothes. Oh wow,
(30:56):
you're you're completely nude. Let me get you a Let
me get your nude and it's not weird all okay.
I'm happily married with two kids. I'm a pharmacist in Wisconsin.
So it's getting spicier. I'd say it's getting spicier. Password
is yes, okay, and this is just the beginning. We
(31:17):
have the laundry room scene. We have, uh, a lot
of scenes. I won't spell it out for you, but
maybe maybe you want to watch one more. Uh uh
so yeah, so I'm looking. I don't know if you
have gray wolves here, per syd No, this is just
a dog kennel. But um, I mean no, yeah, this
is just a dog kennel. Not yeah, we have gray wolves.
(31:38):
Oh why did you say yes? I would say, like you,
you said both questions, but then you answered the first one.
What is that? Nothing? Nothing? You do that wolf? No,
that's that's not technically a gray wolf. That is technically
(31:58):
that's a weird wolf. Are you serious? Yeah? Okay, great,
I'll do that. That sounds fantastic. Look, I run a
reality show. I don't run it, per say, but I'm
working my way up. I'm a producer. Actually I just
say the intro. But I'm a producer. I'm producer. Wait,
wait a minute, are you the voice from House on
the Hill. Yeah, you got you did the you did
the live intros right, Yeah. Man, it sounds like you
(32:21):
were having a week last week. Okay, yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
I just like it's you don't know what it's like
to always be under the gun of like you're gonna
get fired. Just man, do I not? You know that
weird wolf I was telling you about by Day, that's
Gary and he runs this place. You want to talk
(32:41):
about being afraid of your boss? Jesus Christ, mine's a
rear we real werewolf. A rear werewolf, real werewolf. Look, man,
I tried getting sober, but it didn't work. I was
in a house and there was one person in there
who wasn't and that throws the whole thing up pretty soon,
and everybody's drinking. Hey everybody, it's me just checking into
(33:04):
the house real quick. Um, just want to let you
know Danny, Danny sam Um. He seems to be like
going in to the liquor cabinet pretty hard. Recently. We've
noticed we've noticed his wife's been calling us, but you
know the rules. No phone calls, Sam Samuel. Okay, I'm alright,
(33:26):
let's have the fucking meetings I'm talking about. Yeah, the
fucking love him. Get out of my personal space. Dude,
I didn't come here to make friends. I didn't preme
here to make friends. Did you come here to give
yourself tattoos? Did you? I did tattoo of your ass
(33:48):
on my face. I'm not supposed to make any sense.
It's supposed to bring any outside information. But Sam, your
wife is watching, your children are watching, and they're worried.
And that's all I'm gonna say. Uh, listen, I just
want to introduce you to one more cast member. His
name is Gary uh at Night. I don't think we
(34:11):
can handle it, dude. I know, I know, I know
you ready. Sam has gone off the deep band. It's
just I want out. I want to at least don't
bring Tina was a nightmare. Please don't bring anyone else.
I'm sorry, Tina, but frankly, you know it's true. We
can talk to you. I am and now I'm an angel.
(34:33):
If you guys need the hook up to make meth,
I'm a pharmacist from Wisconsin. Danny k who was Please
don't set anyone else. I'm sorry. So this is Gary,
nice guy by day uh at Nights he's a worldlf okay,
and what every night? He's everything we need to Steve.
(34:54):
We need you to do the live intro. Boss. You're
gonna love this, Cliff. Gary's fitting in beautifully, all right,
give it a g it at me. On this season
of House on the Hill, three contestants turned into four
and then one more made it. A door open that
knob inside you'll see a couple of people hanging out happily.
(35:18):
That was it. That was the intro. I had cheat
my ce cereal. Yeah, sorry about that. Well, why is
the counch shredded? Yeah? Sorry about that? And we took
a fucking dump on my board, a human sized ship
(35:39):
on my fucking surfboard. It's not related to the moon
at all. It's just every night, every night. I'm not
sure I could explain it as much as I can
show you. If you'd like to see it again tonight,
I suggest eaving your room around ten. We're all really
(36:04):
wet right now. Right. Look, I checked out your pilot episode, uh,
and it turned out to be several seasons of a
pilot and uh, I just don't think Bravo is interested.
I'm gonna be honest, Um, you don't think Bravo is interested.
I know not Okay, I tried. I didn't think so that.
(36:24):
I tried to soften it, like, we're not interested. Why
would you know? I don't know. Did you go to
like Presidents of networks sleepaway camp before? I do want
to say, we have we have these players on contract.
And now it's my understanding. I've heard it through the
grapevine that you got you've signed on Tina and Gary
(36:46):
for their own show. Well, the other three cast members
are in the I c U, so it's really hard
to have them available. But if they were available, you
would just be having our show. What I'm saying is
you're stealing our cast members to do a new show.
Excellent point. That's not true. We're not stealing anybody. They
weren't under contract. They were just hired for a pilot.
(37:09):
There was no contracts. Let me look at this contract. Oh,
you're right, it's just the pilot. Well, what can I say? Hey,
best of luck. I think Tina and Gary are great.
They're gonna make great television. Boss. Did we get fired?
Did they buy it or not? No? No, Steve, they
didn't buy it. They ripped it off from my heart.
They said, it was mainly your fault, Steve. Oh god,
(37:33):
oh Mom. I need to come home or at least
get a care package. The presidents of HBO and Cinemax
were me to me, we had an agreement. You were
gonna do camp for three weeks. Three weeks. I can't
do it, and nobody knows what Pop TV is here.
Your father and I need the time. Okay, we need
(37:56):
the time and we need the space. We lost ships
Creek to nets licks and you know I don't have
any original programming h and the streaming guys are totally mean.
I don't know what to tell you, sweetie. I love you.
What was that? Did you hear that? They said? Fuck you?
Pop cool and and horrible language? And I hate that
(38:16):
you have to go through this. I know we bleep
it out on Pop again, your father and nine, I'm sorry,
step away. This is the digital table. Okay, listen. If
you've got content for four seconds or less, pop on over.
If not, get the funk out of here. Yeah. So
what I was saying is I'm thinking, tell the story man, Well,
(38:39):
it's his story about I just feel like so it's
called one Alligator or one in Mississippi, your choice, okay,
and the entire all, all the everything happens in the
span of one alligator. That's It's his story. One Mississippi
was already a Signataro show on on Hulu. Who the
funk are you Pop? Get the dude? Do you have?
(39:03):
That is stake? Who the fuck are you Pop? Oh?
I'm sorry, Craig, I love you. Seen Three is from
Michael Er, who wrote high Kevin, longtime listener here from
way back when your initial ad campaign plagued all of
(39:23):
my other favorite podcasts harder than covid oh before we dropped. Yeah,
they ran an ad on other podcasts where I would
beg people to listen to ours. Anyways, recently, Michael are
continues during quarantine, I made a giant painting that I
had reached out to Joey about. I thought it would
be a great idea to raffle it using the alchemy
(39:46):
this family to raise money for charity. When he responded, however,
God intervened, Yeah, that prey and brought down not one
but two trees upon my house after three days of
rainwater flooding through multiple new skylights in the roof. Copy.
(40:06):
It's safe to say that the painting is no more,
Thanks Joey, But enough of the chick Wait a second,
that's very uh deuce uh, but enough of the chit
chat I have seen suggesting the Pentagon braces for nuclear
war after grossly misinterpreting what okay, boomer means. Enjoy, stay healthy,
(40:34):
and think twice about one healthy tree in your yard,
the real estate agent said, might bring character to the home.
Much love, Michael are Yeah, Look, I'll call you when
I get off work. Okay, Look, I know I know that,
I know what. Look, it's just one game. I'll make
(40:56):
the other ones. I'm Look, I'm doing what I do
as national security. Okay, listen, if you could stop just
guessing what I'm going to say in the conversation, that
would because let me just don't know that stuff. We're
running good communication. They said that. They said that in therapy,
and you never listen. I don't need to listen. I
listen for a living. Okay, Well, then I guess make
(41:16):
me your job, make me your priority, Ronald. You can look.
You know what I do every single day I wake up.
I wrapped the flag around me. That's what I do.
I know I have to cut you out of it.
Most of the time. Just cut that. I hate that.
Do cut that flag? Look at the pentagon, all right,
and you're just gonna have to deal with it, all right.
You don't think I know that, Ronald? God damn, you
(41:36):
talk to me like I'm a fucking idiot. I'm not. Oh,
I don't know. No, I don't know. Don't do that.
Don't do that. Don't open that up, Jim, don't know, Jim, Jim.
While I'm surpersised, you're getting such clear connectivity with your
cell phone here in the elevator. Did you want to
push the floor. You're just gonna get off where I'm gone. Oh, yes, sir,
I'll I'll get off on the Let's do the D level.
(42:03):
Let's see level activated. Okay, I just now listen. If
you don't don't bring that up. Don't bring that up.
I didn't call you. D level retinal scan required old
name James Ronald, not authorized for level floor? Okay, I
(42:25):
should be, I should be computer. Can I call you back.
I'm gonna call you back. Okay, Uh, D level? Here
we go? There you go, D level? D level? How
do I D level? D level? James Ronald not authorized? Okay? Okay,
(42:46):
are you trying to activated level. Sir, I am, yes,
I am. Uh do you want to? Can you just
authorized to use this floor? Uh? Well are you are you? Yeah?
I'm I'm security here at D level. Well and open
it up. That's in order. Pardon me, fells, this is me.
(43:08):
I'm gonna Can me just get out level? No? Me
on four? Good luck? At day level like a general scan,
general welcome, complete access, ding ding ding. That's what it
looks like when somebody is able to access D level. Yeah,
I know what that looks like. Okay, let's just go
(43:28):
to D level. Let's just go down to the level again. Okay,
we're on D level. Let's go out named James Ronald
not authorized? Okay, this is it's an I order. You
let me on this floor. Okay, can I see your
I D in bad? Yes? Here you go. Okay, that's
your that's your cell phone. Okay, hold on a second.
(43:51):
What was I looking for? Look? Yes, that's a tube
of bliss texs. Oh my god, Jesus, let's just I
thought was cream cheese. Okay, Uh, let's see what the
hell did I put on me? Okay, let's see here. Okay,
(44:12):
here you are? What do you mean he's still in
the goddamn elevator. There's a national emergency going on. I
want him up here right now. He's stuck. Well, he's
not stuck. I mean the elevator works. He's he's making
the wrong moves. He's he's making the wrong moves. He
(44:33):
insists on going to D level, but he doesn't have
access to D level. As you know, sir, I know
he doesn't have access to D level. This is a level.
Why the hell is he not on a level? He
seems to be confused. I'm not sure. I don't know
what you want me to do, sir. You know what,
Send the crusher down there to get him out. Security
down Send the crush. Your security is pretty tough down
(44:56):
on D level. Just send the crusher to extract. Okay, okay,
So this is the Pentagon, and as many on this
tour no that this is where the Department of Defense
is housed for the US government. So this is the
brain of the military's Sorry, Tim, I hate to interrupt
your um, but upstairs is requiring the crusher. Okay, So
(45:25):
what is the tour over or No, it's not. We
were told we were going to see missiles and and
you will their vending machines there are, this is another
tour guide, Alan, he'll be taking over for me. Alan,
won't you jump in there? Um? So right this way?
What are you going? Alan? His voice just kind of
(45:48):
trailed off, but he stayed exactly where he was. Alan,
where are we going? And where are the vending machines? Um?
I have I have eighteen dollars cash on me if
I still carried cash? Okay, Boomer whoa Okay, no, no,
what do you freak out? It's fine, that's hard, Pentagon noises,
(46:14):
Mr President, Mr President, Yeah, yeah, looking up? What is it? Uh? Uh?
You know I was having the best dreams. That's the best. Okay,
Uh you know? What is it? Tommy? Are you Tommy? No?
I don't know why I told you tom asn't matter
if I tell you anything. Who gives a fuck? All Right,
(46:35):
I gotta go back. I gotta go back. Play. Uh okay,
can you hear me inside the elevator? Can you hear me?
James Ronald has been released. James Ronde rock Oh my god,
(47:01):
Oh dude, dude, dude, the crusher is coming for you.
Just let me. I can't let you out on d
you try to scare your witness ten times every time
it told you you weren't eligible. Just you do like
you do you The crusher is coming for you. I
understand you want some new witness, is that right? Yeah? Yeah?
(47:26):
Do you want the A level, B level, C level,
B level or E level whatever? Whatever? Look whatever, that's
not what I'm gonna go over him again? A level,
B levels, level, B level, E level, D level did
actually level? Hold on? Let me do okay, Sam again,
(47:47):
it was a what was it? Wow? So uh you're
a crusher. That's cool, that's cool. I'm in finance myself. Listen,
I'm taking if you're trying to come on to me.
I have a gorgeous wife. She's very, very tiny and
has a very raspy voice, much like mine. Her hair
(48:09):
covers almost her whole face but ends right at her chin.
We're in love. I was trying to hit on you,
and now I am embarrassed. But this don't be embarrassed.
It happens all the time. Okay. I just want to
let you know, all of us here on Sector of
three we're huge fans of Is that Sector three of
(48:32):
E level or F level? Oh that's the good one. Yeah,
we we say F level stands for fun level. I
love that if you ever, if you ever wanted to
hang out or like just come by or something, and like, yeah,
I just don't know if my wife would feel comfortable
with that right right now? Of course, of course, of
course the Hey, tur gay, can we turn off this
(48:56):
alarm because it's really hurting my ears? And what's what's
the wife? What's the WiFi for the Pentagon? Again? I can't.
I don't know. I don't know if I can give
you that. I want to live stream the tour. Okay, um,
it's um president day one oh one exclamation point that is,
that's very surprising. Well, our tech ar tech crew does
(49:19):
all that stuff. It's not from the president himself. Uh
no ship Okay, boomer access granted Secret bunker. Congratulations on
the promotion. Five Star General James Ronald Ah, hey hey everybody, Jimmy,
(49:46):
what's with the sunglasses? I um, I hit my knee. Okay,
enough said m hmmm. So we're here. We're happy to
take orders or whatever you want to give us. It's
your it's your secret bunker. General. Yes, let's do uh,
(50:13):
let's check on the I S S. Let's see how
they're doing it there. Let's see they need anything, and
then they've been dead for months. Sir kay, I mean
it's we still have live cams in the craft, but
it doesn't really do us any good. That's put it on.
Put it on. But you'd like the cams. You want
to see the dead lodies floating in space. If that's
(50:36):
what's going on, let's put it on. General, we had
up in the eyes. Anybody is if anybody is out there,
I am the only one life here. Everyone he's dead, okay,
and I'm trying to reach St. Petersburg and Moscow. Everyone
everyone steady? Yeah, anything else? Anything else, General James, you'd
(51:05):
like to us to do here in the bunker. I
feel like you're leading me. Okay, Yeah, let's do uh Papa,
Oh my god, this is I feel like I can
do anything. Why don't we can crush him at any time?
If you want, I could just step been there and
crush him right now. Sir, I told you it was
(51:27):
a bad idea to make the crush or one of
the joint chiefs. What can I say? I moved up
in life. Come on, look, I I always feel like
crushers being a little bit, a little bit of a
war hawk about things. I mean, we don't even know
what the boomer alarm meant. But if Crusher wants to crush,
I'm just saying, piece is always an option. I don't know.
You're the five star general, though, you you're gonna do.
(51:50):
Mr President. It's it's sir Gay in the I s
s Hey, so Gay? How are you good? Good? It's
good to hear your voice again. You the best trashan,
always loyal, appreciated. So just waiting on orders. So still up?
Did you get the men chip ice cream? We said yes.
(52:11):
By the way, my name is spelled s E R
g e I, and you spelled it s I R
space capital g A Y, so it's phonetically correct, but
is not mat the way I spelled it. Okay, that
was a joke. I thought you would get it. Hm,
(52:31):
I have the best writers. Anyway. Yes, it was still amazing,
still frozen because it's very cold in space, right right,
That's what I was told, Jumbo bumbo. I guess it's true. Anyways. Uh,
should we play another game? Sure? Sure? Yeah? Okay, all right,
(52:52):
identify this farm animal that is uh oh, I know this,
I know this one crusher, Crusher I caught you before
you got your car. Look, I know, wait, are you okay?
You're sweating a lot. I'm not. I'm not, I'm not okay.
Everywhere it's it's you. You do this to me? Understandable,
(53:18):
And I know you're married, but like, what does that
even mean? It's a piece of paper, it's a well,
it's a commitment, it's a full it's a lifetime, it's
an eternity. Really, it means a lot. It's a circular
like the ring. It's it's ever lasting. It's you know, look,
I have a bomb strap to me. What if you
(53:39):
If you deny me, I'm going to run into the
pantagon and I'm going to I don't want to have
to do this to you, Janice, but I am the
crusher and I can easily just crush. That's what I want.
Is this cheating on my wife? Do I cheating my
wife and crush this woman? Or do I let her
(54:00):
and blow up the whole pentagon? No? No, no, no, everybody,
If you look to your okay, crusher, why don't we
pick up where we left off. A last session, you
were concerned about your relationship with your wife and what
the boundaries might be and how you might expand them.
(54:22):
Why don't we talk about that a little more. Sometimes
I feel like my commitment or interferes with work when
it comes to life or death situations. Right, So, prioritizing
work versus marriage can often lead to trouble in one
of the two areas. You had to prioritize them. In
(54:45):
a list, let's say where your children were number three,
what would you put as number two? Myself? Fair? And
then number one God? God, probably God, so that'd be God, yourself,
(55:05):
your child children. See this is what I was talking about.
I don't even come in the top three. Yeah again,
bringing your wife wife to the session to please ma'am?
I know, bringing your wife to the session. She she
you know, she brings work into the home life a
(55:25):
lot too. She's always measuring our eyeballs and talking to
us about our our retinal dimensions. And it's very disturbing
because I know, you know, that is the only job
I could get at the Pentagon with my hairs out
over my face like this. Who would hire me at
this tiny size? Get bangs? I'm sorry, that's okay, Crusher, Tabitha,
(55:48):
Why don't you tell your husband what this is? Really
about this frustration that you're feeling. I think this frustration
that I'm feeling is not to me. T tell Crush, Crusher,
I think what really hurt me? You're still looking right
at me. You can't make eye contact with me. Come on, look,
(56:10):
let me part my hair. You can see where my
eyes are looking. Oh, I'm sorry, my bad. My head
was looking this way, but my eyes were turned. It's
hard to tell when she turns her head. It's so sick.
Now I feel like you're up on me. On the
next season of Crush of Love, will the Crusher finally
handle everything at home or will the introduction of a
(56:31):
werewolf spice things up? Steve, this is live, so I
gotta get one more if I could, please, I mean,
that's all I got. That's what I need. Give me
one with panic? Come on, you got? Oh? God? Actually
the negs Crushed with Love Crusher be able to What
(56:53):
did I say every God when I said that's our
show for today. Oh, let's thank all of our alchemists
and no particular order. Craig Kowski, how are you are
Things in the Carolina's hot and steamy? Yeah, the weather
is kind of humid. Wait for it much love to
(57:17):
Carla and m are there pets. There is that what
My parents were here for a while. So yeah, there's
a there's a lot going on. It's relaxing. Well, enjoy
and stay healthy please, thank you and Mark Agliardiya's life
(57:39):
is swell a okay, life is great. Man. I'm just uh,
just sitting up here in the valley and um waiting
for waiting for the world to shift a little okay,
feeling a little judge when you say up here in
the valley, I'm just saying, man, come onto the valley. Brother,
it's the top. We got it. That's right, the valley
(58:00):
cops and grips. Well, thank you for being here as always.
Uh now are our first time or Jackie, thank you
so much as you have fun a blast here in
those same vala that. Thank you so very much for
being here. Thank yeah, please come back as soon as
(58:21):
you possibly can. That's an open invitation. If you can
just check with Joey and make sure he's cool with it.
I'm certainly fine with it. We'll see, we'll see if
our feud will get away. Thank you again, Jackie. Chris Alvarado,
that's how Studio City Alvarado whoa. Thanks once again of course.
(58:49):
And Jackie, where can people find you? You make funny
videos all the time? Oh great, Yeah, sure, I think honestly,
if you if I think it's at Jackie d Ruthie, Um,
I think, but I don't imagine that anyone. But I
don't imagine that any there aren't. There are a lot
of d Ruthy's, but not a lot of Jackie Ruthie.
(59:10):
So I think, like you'll find me, but I'm pretty
sure it's at Jackie d Ruthy. I'm much better at
Instagram than Twitter, that's for sure. Not very good, that's what. Yeah? Yeah, yeah,
I think it's not Jackie Ruthy. Yeah yeah. And Doruthy
folks is do you double r you th h one? Yeah? Yeah?
And if you like Christmas movies, I have a podcast
(59:31):
talking about bad ones, the most wonderful pot of the year.
Open invitation to any of you guys to come join
and watch a bad one and and talk about it.
Sign me up, wonder Oh I'm in Yeah that sounds
like a great podcast. And thank you for joining us today. Um,
Chris Albaro, thank you for giving all of your time
to Jackie. That was very sweet. Of you, of course. No, no, no,
(59:54):
your time is done. I'm done. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry,
Joey Graherman. Yes, from an undisclosed location in the Santa
Monica Mountains, that you mean sober like? We got it? Yep, yep, okay, yes,
thanks for banger pal. I understand the West Side Comedy
(01:00:17):
Theater is going to uh be put on pause for
a little while. That's right, yep. So um, folks will
just look you up on the Instagram and uh they
want to see what's up. Just swing by, say what's up?
Was you know what I mean? From the street, I'll say, hey,
wear a mask, wear masks, keep keep your fucking distance
(01:00:39):
and uh what was the question? Well, no, no, we're good.
We're good. I'm gonna get the rest of your time
to Chris. Uh. Let's thank our engineer and producer to
the stars, Mr Doug Baine, the fine folks that I
heart media. Fump bump bump, bump, bump bump. I'm your host,
(01:01:00):
Kevin Pollock asking you, as always please be kind to
each other. Wear masks so we can look out for
each other. And uh, you know, when you have a sack,
wash the damn hands, would it kill you it might
until next time I
I welcome back to another episode Alchemy, this coviddition. I'm
your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes, that's Kevin Pollock's up. Well,
I'll tell you what, when you figure out how the
latter works, I'll change the life. And that's how many
jerks it takes to screw it. Oh, but I digress.
(00:23):
Let's meet an alchemist showering no particular order to say
hello to Chris Alvarado. Chris, please take the piss. What's
the third thing people are surprised to hear about you?
The third thing? Um um quick inventory. Well I went
(00:44):
through that hispanic that I'm an alcoholic alcoholic. Probably the
third is that I'd never graduated college. Yeah, well I
graduated in nine months. My friends called the dropping out,
but I think we showed the same. I spent six
years at a community college. A little bit different, Yeah, yeah,
slight slightly different. Times stuck. Say hey, there's Craig Kaikowski. Kakaw,
(01:08):
what is a standout lesson from producing and acting in
the Great Show Drunk History all these damn years? A
standout lesson? Uh? Talk out loud when you lip sync? Yes,
don't just move your mouth around like actually say the
words and pronounce them out loud, and you'll make all
(01:29):
the all the spittle and all the mouth sounds you
normally make. It will look make it look more authentic.
And how many episodes, be honest, had you done before
someone realized that I had a hundred? Dammit? So close? Uh?
Please welcome first time or jacked Gonzalez Dorothy. I'm sure
(01:51):
I said that wrong. Hey, close enough. How's it going, um, Jackie?
Oh mg? As a new first time or tradition, please
tell us any awkward story from your early days in improv?
Oh okay, I had. I did an audition for an
(02:15):
improv team and they made you do a bunch of things,
and one of the things that you had to do
was sing a song, any song, And so the only
thing that popped into my head was this commercial jingle
that I didn't realize was not national. Uh. I was
in Chicago at the time, but singing a Miami commercial
(02:35):
jingle that was extremely sexual. It went like this, Joey,
you might recognize it? Who only at Mattress Giants? Oh uh,
I didn't make the team. That's so unfair. Yeah, people
thought that I made that song up, and yeah, it
(02:57):
was very awkward for sure. Thank you for sharing. Hey,
there's Mark Gagliardi. Where party in a peanut M and M.
What's your favorite candy? Uh? The Reese's Peanut butter cup.
Keep talking, hands down. You've got the outside ridge, so
there's a little bit of there's a little bit of
texture there to get started with, like the crust on
a P, B and J. You can eat around as
(03:18):
much of that as you want before diving into the
significantly softer middle. I think with a crusty outside in
a soft middle a P B and J, a good
cinnamon roll, I'm in that. That outer rim you speak
of now sounds so inviting. It feels like on the
Reese's cup once you get to the beyond it to
the center would be kind of disappointing. Yeah, it's by
(03:40):
By the time you get there, it's you've already done
all you had, all the good stuff. You're not saving
the best bite for last. Damn it, damn it. Well,
thanks for sharing, and last, but shipping your shoe and
give it to him at half past two. If you
think him leaves, it's Joey Greer. Janet, what was the
last time you used a shovel? And why last time
I used a shovel, there was a dead rat outside,
(04:03):
And my go to instinct is just let it sit,
you know, let nature take its course. Uh you know,
different carry on beasts will come over and they'll chew
on it, and they'll just let it be the way
it's supposed to be. But I live in a concrete jungle,
so it's not it's not you know, they can't go
into the ground. So my first thought was, all right,
what what do I have around me? And uhans and
(04:25):
then I had my feet let me finish the story.
And then I so I'm thinking about, like, you know what,
what else? You know? So I, you know, I go
into this little side the class area. I'm like, what
do I got? What do I got in there? And uh,
you know, I I there was some some ore, right
and there's some wood, and I was like, okay, I
can make a shovel. So what I did is I
started heating the ore and I started, uh you know,
(04:46):
pounding it down, and I smoothed it out and then
I realized it was too smooth, so I had to restart.
Now one thing we do is this is a little
lesson for everybody. If you're smelting any kind of ore.
When you read, when you put that war back into
the furnace, heated back up to reforge it, it loses
it's it's it's strength, right, So you're just you're you're
making it softer. So I ended up making up just
(05:07):
a soft metal, super soft metal segain super soft and
is he still going on? All right? Let me get
a Shirtbut to get us to the end of this story,
almost all of our scenes today are gathered from our
(05:28):
listener emails. If you'd like to submit one, please right
to the podcast at your name here at alchemy thissk
dot com. Simply type the words your name here seen.
One in fact, comes from Katon k A T E.
N Caton Kayton anybody somebody Katon who wrote Dear Alchemy
(05:54):
this team. This is my second scene suggestion since last year.
I've been around since the turn Loves Diner incidents scene. Wow.
I think that might have been our first episode, the
turtlest Dinner, and I must say I have been absolutely
hooked on this podcast since the get go. My personal
favorite was the one where strangers wake up on an
(06:16):
alien ship Timeless classic. But I digress. I can't really
remember if my last suggestion was acted up. And I
do hope this little old fan mail is received as
I have no idea how to become a Patreon well
I can give you an idea, Caden whoa go to
(06:38):
patreon com slash out to me this We're done, um,
and thank you and thank you very much and should
you consider doing that? Thank you? Uh. The The email,
which is now halfway done, continues with please let me
know so that I can throw my money at you
for all the love and lovely work you do for
the rest of the world. You truly are doing us
(06:59):
a verse by making these trying times a little more bearable.
I have a suggestion that might tickle your fancy. A
crew of astronauts on the International Space Station have simply
been up there too long. As a podcast editor myself,
I can't help but admire the art that is alchemy. This,
I must say. Some of my favorite moments and favorite
(07:21):
is spelled either British or Canadian um moments are when
Craig freaks out and when James is completely clueless. Both
are my favorites. To love you guys, never changed yours
until better comes along. Kayton Bernard PS I had no
shame in bumping this email with an all caps subject line.
(07:43):
O little heads up for those of you who may
be writing in UM yep, crue of Astronauts, International Space Station.
Just been up there too long? Hast the same time?
That's fine? Hey, hey to I S. S. What's going on?
(08:05):
You guys doing all right out there? Hey? Um? How
many of you guys are down there having fun while
we're up here? I mean, I wouldn't call a birthday
party fun. I think it's it's necessary. Okay, okay, Well
tell Mike we said happy birthday and sorry we couldn't
be there again this year. I had a dance on prepared,
(08:27):
but nobody's wanted to see it up here, so she
worked on a dance for this. You know what, turn
the colms off? I S S. This is Houston? Do
you copy? Yeah? We were just on with Houston. Is
this Are you also at the birthday party? Just trying
(08:49):
to rub this in? I S S. This is Houston?
Do you copy? Yeah? Houston? This is I S S.
Everybody's copying. Everybody's copying. Everybody wants to be partying on there.
We can't party down there, so we copy up here
as says, looking for the confirmation. This is sst singnal Okay,
(09:10):
I've lost signal. Everybody, all right, it's gonna Code four
please Code four. No dancing, please, no dancing. Come on,
I have a dance for code four. It's a lot
of others. She has worked on so many dances for this.
Why don't you two just make out already? What? What? What?
(09:33):
I don't even know what it is? What's going about? God? Guys, guys, guys,
are you monopolizing the comes again? Hey, let's let me
remind you. Let me remind you. This is International Space
Station and you may be calling Houston, but I'm calling St.
Petersburg okay, And everyone's calls say sergay, there's no one
(09:54):
calling anybody. We're in the middle of a Code four
right now. It seems like we've lost all communication. Okay.
Well I heard somebody trying to call Houston. Okay, and
it feels like you are on seven with Houston, and
sometimes St. Petersburg is wondering what what is your gay
up to? Okay? Yeah, you know, we don't think so's okay,
We don't think anybody is wondering what you're up to? Okay,
We get calls all the time. We get care packages.
(10:17):
Nobody sent you ship. Okay, wait, you guys are getting
care packages. This is St. Petersburg. Um, just to let
you know we're good. Okay, I need the phone. I
need the phones. Okay, this is first time in two
weeks I've talked to St. Petersburg. Okay, do you want
(10:38):
to call me back? No? No, no, it's how how
how have you been St? Petersburg? I think it's bes
if you just called back. Yeah, no, no, I mean
tell me what's going on? Am I missing anything? I'd
hate to impose a lot of things happened here. Your
wife give birth. It's very heat. I need oh Houston.
(11:01):
I had no idea wife was pregnant. First of all,
So your wife is pregnant. I'll give you a dance
than congratulations? Are gay? Okay, okay, guys, guys, Yeah, you
know what I mean. But chocolate cake is probably my favorite,
but vanilla is a close second. Um, ice cream cake.
(11:23):
I've had ice cream cake. I love ice cream cake. Uh,
what kind of frosting when you get the vanilla cake,
vanilla frosting, vanilla frosting and a vanilla cake vanilla So
I don't like Yeah, well, I mean I like that.
That's I'm going. I'm going for the flavor. I'm not
going for all right, listen up, um code f failed.
(11:46):
It looks like we are we are floating into the
dark space. So we couldn't get Houston or St. Petersburg
on the phone. We can't get either. We can't. There's
no communication. We could find my people if you want, Zena,
if you want to, you want to get your call,
you want to try one call, just let me. I
don't know where I'm gonna put it. I don't know
(12:07):
I could call anybody. I'm so popular. Where are your
people from? Against excuse me? Where are your people from? Zena? Oh,
we hail from everywhere. You know. It's a melting pot.
That's a beautiful thing about my country. Everyone comes from
all different places. Everyone finds a home exactly where I'm from.
But if there was a city there that we would
say the name of that city to see if they would.
(12:29):
You know where I'm from. I'm from a very small town.
My very small towns called chick Chok. And if you
want to go to Chickchok, you can, But you know,
not exactly where the that's not where they complated. Z.
You know we are. This is an emergency, So why
don't you go ahead and place that call breaker breaker?
This is Jim bugang breaker breaker called back. Now. I
(12:50):
think we're getting a truck driver's breaking breaker. This is
Jim Bob could make one if we're picking it up.
Oh say we're Binky. Say we're binky. Maybe you say
we're well, we're Jim Bob. We're Binky. It's it's us Binky.
Can you help us? Please? You got Jim Bob hum
was baking too? Come back? This is Binky. Who exactly
(13:15):
you were asking for? Banky? This is banky. I don't know, guys,
I'm bad at Jim A dance for this. Yeah, just
say I'm bink like a baby, Binky like a baby,
and we're gonna put the hammer down. Oh man, look
(13:37):
sounds like somebody got ahold of that is uh ham radio.
That's all right, little fella. Where you hail from? Come
back space the middle of space? We have no other communications.
All right, Everybody gather around Jim Jimmy John here. He's
got another story to tell, he said on his way
in route to this here pub tell him man, don't
(14:00):
just jump. He said, he tell his story. He said
he was reaching out to his baby's mother. Right, hey, man,
let let him tell it. Man, you're letting your he
he ain't get its telling story? All right? If I
tell Jimmy John what you brought us all, hold on, man,
you brought us off here to break bread? And then
you get it. You're gonna tell his damn story. He's
(14:22):
been on the road. Hey, Jimmy Dean, why don't you
settle the funk down? Man, I'll take intro however I
can get it. So, yeah, I was out on I
nine and nine and then yeah, man, I was getting
your back there and then you attack me. Man, what
the hell while you're running that mouth of yours and
that's what got you in the jail for last last
three times. I'm keeping count anecdote and I'm out on
(14:46):
I nine and that and uh I opened her up,
you know she who's out there? What's the plumbing? And
sure enough I get some uh some some call back
from what they said was space space Isn't that crazy?
Thank you said? What? I didn't hear you both? Dan,
I'm gonna say it was one more time and then
I'm gonna come after you. So this is the little
(15:08):
fellow there said that he was in space, and uh,
I assumed he was nuts in the head or or
what have you. They got all kinds of things wrong
with kids now nowadays. I know my aunt June her
Son said, walks into circle for the first hour of
every day. Just a little, a little circle. Can we
get another round of chili? You got it? Be? Are
(15:33):
you talking to later? Okay, everybody quiet, Zena is making
her call. This could save us. This would finally put
chick chalk on the map. Ding ding ding ding ding. Hello, Hello, Hello,
hello chick chalk from space. Hello, Oh my kids in
(15:56):
there from spis Evans. Let's den I show you. You'll
let our small village to go to the big city,
the melting pot, the city where old people from go,
I know. And then they sent me to space. And
then for five years no one has even asked about me. Oh,
we have all been asking about you. Here. We all wonder.
We write letters and we send them. Do you get them?
(16:20):
I have not gotten a single letter. We sent them
through big cannon. Oh okay, I have to go and
really look back at you know, time in my head
and think if I could have maybe seen that and
not realize what it is. You know, a lot of
the bris out here and you never you don't really
know what it is, didn't you? Guys? How's going? How's
(16:41):
it going down there? Are they gonna we need help?
Are they're pretty good? You know? I hate that? Yeah?
We're careening into deep space? Okay, I hear you. Okay,
let me do my thing. Famines are the worst, are
they not? And when it's older, you're like, thank god,
(17:02):
it's over. I love to eat. Ask how the food
in spaces? How is the food in space? We have
a questioned? The food is very dry? It is so dry.
But let's you figure out how to accumulate the spit
in your mouth. It's okay, it's pretty It sounds like
(17:25):
something powered down? Is that right there? We only have
the voice coming through. We lost all power in this
craft except her phone call Zina, make this we need
this help us. Okay, I'm gonna hang up. Wait. Well, well,
(17:47):
I personally like just a little bit of cream on everything.
If you're asking me, have you cream, I'll too whipped cream.
I'll do a halp and health. That's how I'm going
to prepare most of my meals. The doctor says it's
shipped for my cholesterol, but I think it's great for
the skin. Everything's kind of bloated in a way that
makes the wrinkles go away. Right, Okay, So the next
(18:11):
test we're gonna do is we're gonna see we're gonna
put you in a submersive tank and we're gonna just
let you kind of feel the pressure that would be
outer space. Okay, okay, okay, So my psyche val went fine.
It's yeah, I mean, yeah, yes, But because I've had
doctor that I was crazy before, they've said and I
(18:35):
thought that was very unprofessional, but they've done it, so
I just wanted to double check with you. Right, Yeah,
I'm just running the submersible right now, so I'm just
dunking in. So why don't we just I think you
brought your own cream cheese. When we put that to
the side, that's definitely gonna mess with some of the instruments.
Are you sure? Because it's actually packed quite nicely, It'll
probably it'll be fine in the water. Did you get
(18:58):
your lunch break yet? I I'm not. Actually, I'm gonna
take that right now. John, Thank you so much. Okay, Yeah, okay, Hi,
I'm John. I'm gonna to take over now. He's he's
got to take that lunch breaker nassas up our skirt.
If you know what I'm saying. Ah, what's your name, honey?
My name is It's Chandeline, Jean yep, I got you
here on the list shand Lane and oh looks like
(19:21):
you're going to dunkar row. Are you ready? I can
catch you down from ten or five, or sometimes we
just go from two. If you're ready, Yeah, I would
say I'm ready. I just have I guess a quick
question for you. Do I look crazy to you? Would
you say I looked crazy? Look, here's what I'm guessing.
I'm guessing Houston is preparing a team of of of
(19:44):
people who are ready and willing to save us. Okay,
so we hope, So we just relax. And St. Petersburg
also is preparing team of people that are going to come.
The rest of chicktok about so much. But I don't
really feel like I need rescuing. I'm having quite a
good time up here, Miss jim Bob. That's a really
(20:06):
good way to think about things. Tina, this is Houston.
Do you copy I SS Houston, do you before you
answer that? Before you answer, should we consider maybe just
going off into deep space with ZENA no answer the thing.
Let's go on, let's space, baby, come on, let's pa
(20:27):
When did this happen? We finally got a signal back
Surge backed me up here. Look. St. Petersburg is probably
calling any minute wanting to talk to me. Okay, Mrs Houston,
do you if no one else is going to hit
that com I will okay hit the comb. This is
(20:49):
this is I S. S. Houston. Do you hear me? Yeah,
we hear you. Just fine. What's all the panic about there?
What's all the we haven't had power? We haven't. We've
been floating around in deep space. We tried calling you,
we tried. Is there another birthday party going on there
in Houston? Well, there's a lot of people that work here. Yeah,
(21:11):
you know, listen, you're all fine on the dials and
copy flips on this. Hang up, Do not hang up, Please,
do not hang up. This is like BS International bullshit station.
You're missing a nest there, Sarah Gay All right, well listen,
I'll let you fellas get to it. They hung up. Yes,
(21:36):
typical Americans. St. Petersburg would never do this to us.
All the powers coming back. Okay, I guess things will
go back to normal. Oh, thank god, yeah, I S S.
This is Houston, I s S Emergency Broadcast. Do you
copy Houston to I S S. Do you EMERGENC podcasts?
(21:59):
Up to which one isuston? I'll come there to Houston voices.
We have we have two different rooms. We have two
different rooms. Listen, listen, not somebody's name, I mean it is.
There was Sam Houston. He was the governor of Texas.
I think he was the governor of Illinois at one
point too, or so he was. He was the only
American to be governor of different Now he's still a
governor or what he's dead with the emergency, the entire
(22:27):
world right now is a little too hot. There's no
way for us to for anyone to lift off or
for you to come back. Okay, it's just a little
too hot. Do you understand what I'm saying, like metaphorically
or like physically too warm? Physically too, it's a little uncomfortable.
No one wants to get on a spaceship or put
on a suit. So right now you people are gonna
(22:48):
have to be out there for a little longer. Okay,
what does you mean you people? I meant just everyone,
just meant the ascots. So we're different than you somehow. Yes,
your your master scientists, you're you're your pure adventurers. I'm
just an analyst. I'm a numbers guy. I don't I
(23:08):
don't have the same kind of but that y'all do. Okay,
you know we did more than just science analyze. We
have interest in no common interests. Sergay like I I
need to get second opinion. Okay, get me in touch
with St. Petersburg, the guy that I talked to in Moscow. Okay,
his neighbors, Saint Petersburg is based in Moscow. Okay, okay, okay,
(23:31):
transferring now Hello St. Petersburg, Hello Moscow? What is this Moscow?
This is Moscow. Who do you want? I'm trying to
get St. Petersburg in Moscow? Horrible news, horrible news. Oh no,
he was eaten by a rhinold sort of say it's
(23:51):
it's horrible. That sounds like bullshit. That can't be true.
All right, Okay, you found me, you found me that
lot that lie. Okay, but Moscow. You're still based in Odessa? Yes, yes, Okay,
good talk. I'll call you. No that stock. I've seen one,
(24:12):
everybody's seen one. St. Peter's bird Moscot seemed to comes
to us from an alcamaniac. That is the top tier
and your patreon doal uh, Mattie or how do you
even do that Patreon? Yeah? How does that even work?
(24:35):
I'll tell you who knows? Is Matt? Oh, I'm gonna
just let's last name. You're tricky l apostrophe? Who h
e U R e u X anybody who you're not helping?
Joey Matt LaRue. That can't be it either, Matt wrote
(25:00):
to us, Hi Kevin, I wanted to pass along a
scene suggestion. Here's my pitch. A TV network scrambles to
fix a reality show when they realize they've cast only
sober people who can handle conflict appropriately. Yea on the
(25:20):
next season of House on the Hill. Yeah, we've cut
the intro down. Steve I, I'm dead here in the water.
Have you seen this this footage? Who are these people?
We've got to recast the show? Oh my god, did
you fire me? I'm not firing. I'm asking for you
to do your job better. Is that possible? Two? Is
(25:43):
that Okay, can we want clip That's a great idea.
That's a great idea. So I want some support. Let's
play the clip clip seven with intro pleas Okay, this
season of House. I'm sorry, did you play it already?
I thought I was gonna be intro? Okay, well, we
already have a we have a pre recorded intro. But
if we don't, you just hear you all right? You
(26:05):
fired mere prerecorded scenes that if I get fired. I
just want to know if I get fired, I have
a list. If you're not fired, you have job security. Okay,
run the fucking clip. Okay, here we go. So I
apologize if I offended you in any way, and really
I just want to be friends, you know, and just
(26:28):
to be a good roommate. Yeah, I mean, look it,
I appreciate the apology and I accept it. I hear
the problem that you were having as well, and I
I recognize that I'm sorry as well. So let's some
you know, shake on it. Let's be cool. Let's shake great.
That's always compromise. That's the first clip there. Um, maybe
(26:51):
we could use music to spice it up or something,
or one of those like don't don't don't you know,
I got some drama. I got it, I have it.
What's the drama you think you're gonna add? So music?
In in Yellowstone they removed predator species and that really
fucked up the population of beer and I saw that
stuff right, and there was like but but in the
(27:14):
eighties they reintroduced a pack of gray wolves. Now what
that did? What happened, Steve? Will it stabilize the entire region?
Like things are growing back? The deer population was was leveled,
and actually the entire environment was throwing you're saying, yes, exactly,
we need to introduce a pack of gray wolves. How
(27:37):
about just actually Tina. Yes, that's that's a great idea.
Let's bring back Tina. We're guaranteed drama if we put
Tina back into the full Okay, okay, everybody, um you
just doing great in the house. Here, by the way,
it is spotless here, spots. I came here to make friends.
I came here to make friends, and I have made friends. Honestly,
(27:59):
the amount of growth that we've all experienced is through
the fucking roof. Man, Well, it is obvious. I want
to know. It's all right. Let's talk it out. M
I want to introduce you to a new cast member, Danny,
Can I just say something, man? I know you pop
in here and you got to do your job like
you are loved, my man, and you I see you,
(28:20):
and I don't know what you want to do in
your life besides this. I mean, obviously this is work,
but I see you, dude, and I just want the
best for you. All right, you got okay? Okay? Um
hey on that note one, I love you boys, And
(28:42):
to welcome your newest cast member, Tina. Everybody, this is
that guns whoa whoa language, whoa Tina. I'm sorry by
sending you. Uh you smell you smell like alcohol, you know. Yeah,
alright if one of my performed bottles and I just
(29:03):
sprayed around sometimes I open my mouth when I do it.
So what just so you know, um, t J is allergic.
So just if you if you want to spray, maybe
spray when you're outside. And that's so sweet of you.
You're so smart. Wow. Did someone teach you that in
school or something, to be open and aware of other
(29:26):
people's like allergies. I don't understand. Whatever, it's my body,
it's my life, and this is my house right now.
So if you can't get in it and get in
the pool. All right, all right, so we've got some
new clips for your boss. We think you're gonna like this. Okay, excited, excited,
open mind, excited. Tina was the the wolf we needed,
(29:48):
so to speak. So this is um. Obviously at night,
we have our night vision cameras rolling. Just show the clip.
Just Steve, you're on my last Nerve, honestly, seventeen seconds
from being fired your I'm gonna be fired. Everyone's fine. Clip, Steve, Steve,
(30:11):
why don't you give us a live intro? Would you say? Huh?
Back into it? Okay, we're gonna watch this clip Tina.
This season, this season on a house on the hill.
That's fine, guys. Means deal with the new cast member
as they navigate what it means to have a roommate
(30:36):
in the modern day of the city. So here we
thanks Steve. Tina, Tina, what are you doing in my room?
Are you okay? What are you doing in your room?
I'm trying to get my my eight and a half
hours of sleep. I'm trying to find my clothes. Oh wow,
(30:56):
you're you're completely nude. Let me get you a Let
me get your nude and it's not weird all okay.
I'm happily married with two kids. I'm a pharmacist in Wisconsin.
So it's getting spicier. I'd say it's getting spicier. Password
is yes, okay, and this is just the beginning. We
(31:17):
have the laundry room scene. We have, uh, a lot
of scenes. I won't spell it out for you, but
maybe maybe you want to watch one more. Uh uh
so yeah, so I'm looking. I don't know if you
have gray wolves here, per syd No, this is just
a dog kennel. But um, I mean no, yeah, this
is just a dog kennel. Not yeah, we have gray wolves.
(31:38):
Oh why did you say yes? I would say, like you,
you said both questions, but then you answered the first one.
What is that? Nothing? Nothing? You do that wolf? No,
that's that's not technically a gray wolf. That is technically
(31:58):
that's a weird wolf. Are you serious? Yeah? Okay, great,
I'll do that. That sounds fantastic. Look, I run a
reality show. I don't run it, per say, but I'm
working my way up. I'm a producer. Actually I just
say the intro. But I'm a producer. I'm producer. Wait,
wait a minute, are you the voice from House on
the Hill. Yeah, you got you did the you did
the live intros right, Yeah. Man, it sounds like you
(32:21):
were having a week last week. Okay, yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
I just like it's you don't know what it's like
to always be under the gun of like you're gonna
get fired. Just man, do I not? You know that
weird wolf I was telling you about by Day, that's
Gary and he runs this place. You want to talk
(32:41):
about being afraid of your boss? Jesus Christ, mine's a
rear we real werewolf. A rear werewolf, real werewolf. Look, man,
I tried getting sober, but it didn't work. I was
in a house and there was one person in there
who wasn't and that throws the whole thing up pretty soon,
and everybody's drinking. Hey everybody, it's me just checking into
(33:04):
the house real quick. Um, just want to let you
know Danny, Danny sam Um. He seems to be like
going in to the liquor cabinet pretty hard. Recently. We've
noticed we've noticed his wife's been calling us, but you
know the rules. No phone calls, Sam Samuel. Okay, I'm alright,
(33:26):
let's have the fucking meetings I'm talking about. Yeah, the
fucking love him. Get out of my personal space. Dude,
I didn't come here to make friends. I didn't preme
here to make friends. Did you come here to give
yourself tattoos? Did you? I did tattoo of your ass
(33:48):
on my face. I'm not supposed to make any sense.
It's supposed to bring any outside information. But Sam, your
wife is watching, your children are watching, and they're worried.
And that's all I'm gonna say. Uh, listen, I just
want to introduce you to one more cast member. His
name is Gary uh at Night. I don't think we
(34:11):
can handle it, dude. I know, I know, I know
you ready. Sam has gone off the deep band. It's
just I want out. I want to at least don't
bring Tina was a nightmare. Please don't bring anyone else.
I'm sorry, Tina, but frankly, you know it's true. We
can talk to you. I am and now I'm an angel.
(34:33):
If you guys need the hook up to make meth,
I'm a pharmacist from Wisconsin. Danny k who was Please
don't set anyone else. I'm sorry. So this is Gary,
nice guy by day uh at Nights he's a worldlf okay,
and what every night? He's everything we need to Steve.
(34:54):
We need you to do the live intro. Boss. You're
gonna love this, Cliff. Gary's fitting in beautifully, all right,
give it a g it at me. On this season
of House on the Hill, three contestants turned into four
and then one more made it. A door open that
knob inside you'll see a couple of people hanging out happily.
(35:18):
That was it. That was the intro. I had cheat
my ce cereal. Yeah, sorry about that. Well, why is
the counch shredded? Yeah? Sorry about that? And we took
a fucking dump on my board, a human sized ship
(35:39):
on my fucking surfboard. It's not related to the moon
at all. It's just every night, every night. I'm not
sure I could explain it as much as I can
show you. If you'd like to see it again tonight,
I suggest eaving your room around ten. We're all really
(36:04):
wet right now. Right. Look, I checked out your pilot episode, uh,
and it turned out to be several seasons of a
pilot and uh, I just don't think Bravo is interested.
I'm gonna be honest, Um, you don't think Bravo is interested.
I know not Okay, I tried. I didn't think so that.
(36:24):
I tried to soften it, like, we're not interested. Why
would you know? I don't know. Did you go to
like Presidents of networks sleepaway camp before? I do want
to say, we have we have these players on contract.
And now it's my understanding. I've heard it through the
grapevine that you got you've signed on Tina and Gary
(36:46):
for their own show. Well, the other three cast members
are in the I c U, so it's really hard
to have them available. But if they were available, you
would just be having our show. What I'm saying is
you're stealing our cast members to do a new show.
Excellent point. That's not true. We're not stealing anybody. They
weren't under contract. They were just hired for a pilot.
(37:09):
There was no contracts. Let me look at this contract. Oh,
you're right, it's just the pilot. Well, what can I say? Hey,
best of luck. I think Tina and Gary are great.
They're gonna make great television. Boss. Did we get fired?
Did they buy it or not? No? No, Steve, they
didn't buy it. They ripped it off from my heart.
They said, it was mainly your fault, Steve. Oh god,
(37:33):
oh Mom. I need to come home or at least
get a care package. The presidents of HBO and Cinemax
were me to me, we had an agreement. You were
gonna do camp for three weeks. Three weeks. I can't
do it, and nobody knows what Pop TV is here.
Your father and I need the time. Okay, we need
(37:56):
the time and we need the space. We lost ships
Creek to nets licks and you know I don't have
any original programming h and the streaming guys are totally mean.
I don't know what to tell you, sweetie. I love you.
What was that? Did you hear that? They said? Fuck you?
Pop cool and and horrible language? And I hate that
(38:16):
you have to go through this. I know we bleep
it out on Pop again, your father and nine, I'm sorry,
step away. This is the digital table. Okay, listen. If
you've got content for four seconds or less, pop on over.
If not, get the funk out of here. Yeah. So
what I was saying is I'm thinking, tell the story man, Well,
(38:39):
it's his story about I just feel like so it's
called one Alligator or one in Mississippi, your choice, okay,
and the entire all, all the everything happens in the
span of one alligator. That's It's his story. One Mississippi
was already a Signataro show on on Hulu. Who the
funk are you Pop? Get the dude? Do you have?
(39:03):
That is stake? Who the fuck are you Pop? Oh?
I'm sorry, Craig, I love you. Seen Three is from
Michael Er, who wrote high Kevin, longtime listener here from
way back when your initial ad campaign plagued all of
(39:23):
my other favorite podcasts harder than covid oh before we dropped. Yeah,
they ran an ad on other podcasts where I would
beg people to listen to ours. Anyways, recently, Michael are
continues during quarantine, I made a giant painting that I
had reached out to Joey about. I thought it would
be a great idea to raffle it using the alchemy
(39:46):
this family to raise money for charity. When he responded, however,
God intervened, Yeah, that prey and brought down not one
but two trees upon my house after three days of
rainwater flooding through multiple new skylights in the roof. Copy.
(40:06):
It's safe to say that the painting is no more,
Thanks Joey, But enough of the chick Wait a second,
that's very uh deuce uh, but enough of the chit
chat I have seen suggesting the Pentagon braces for nuclear
war after grossly misinterpreting what okay, boomer means. Enjoy, stay healthy,
(40:34):
and think twice about one healthy tree in your yard,
the real estate agent said, might bring character to the home.
Much love, Michael are Yeah, Look, I'll call you when
I get off work. Okay, Look, I know I know that,
I know what. Look, it's just one game. I'll make
(40:56):
the other ones. I'm Look, I'm doing what I do
as national security. Okay, listen, if you could stop just
guessing what I'm going to say in the conversation, that
would because let me just don't know that stuff. We're
running good communication. They said that. They said that in therapy,
and you never listen. I don't need to listen. I
listen for a living. Okay, Well, then I guess make
(41:16):
me your job, make me your priority, Ronald. You can look.
You know what I do every single day I wake up.
I wrapped the flag around me. That's what I do.
I know I have to cut you out of it.
Most of the time. Just cut that. I hate that.
Do cut that flag? Look at the pentagon, all right,
and you're just gonna have to deal with it, all right.
You don't think I know that, Ronald? God damn, you
(41:36):
talk to me like I'm a fucking idiot. I'm not. Oh,
I don't know. No, I don't know. Don't do that.
Don't do that. Don't open that up, Jim, don't know, Jim, Jim.
While I'm surpersised, you're getting such clear connectivity with your
cell phone here in the elevator. Did you want to
push the floor. You're just gonna get off where I'm gone. Oh, yes, sir,
I'll I'll get off on the Let's do the D level.
(42:03):
Let's see level activated. Okay, I just now listen. If
you don't don't bring that up. Don't bring that up.
I didn't call you. D level retinal scan required old
name James Ronald, not authorized for level floor? Okay, I
(42:25):
should be, I should be computer. Can I call you back.
I'm gonna call you back. Okay, Uh, D level? Here
we go? There you go, D level? D level? How
do I D level? D level? James Ronald not authorized? Okay? Okay,
(42:46):
are you trying to activated level. Sir, I am, yes,
I am. Uh do you want to? Can you just
authorized to use this floor? Uh? Well are you are you? Yeah?
I'm I'm security here at D level. Well and open
it up. That's in order. Pardon me, fells, this is me.
(43:08):
I'm gonna Can me just get out level? No? Me
on four? Good luck? At day level like a general scan,
general welcome, complete access, ding ding ding. That's what it
looks like when somebody is able to access D level. Yeah,
I know what that looks like. Okay, let's just go
(43:28):
to D level. Let's just go down to the level again. Okay,
we're on D level. Let's go out named James Ronald
not authorized? Okay, this is it's an I order. You
let me on this floor. Okay, can I see your
I D in bad? Yes? Here you go. Okay, that's
your that's your cell phone. Okay, hold on a second.
(43:51):
What was I looking for? Look? Yes, that's a tube
of bliss texs. Oh my god, Jesus, let's just I
thought was cream cheese. Okay, Uh, let's see what the
hell did I put on me? Okay, let's see here. Okay,
(44:12):
here you are? What do you mean he's still in
the goddamn elevator. There's a national emergency going on. I
want him up here right now. He's stuck. Well, he's
not stuck. I mean the elevator works. He's he's making
the wrong moves. He's he's making the wrong moves. He
(44:33):
insists on going to D level, but he doesn't have
access to D level. As you know, sir, I know
he doesn't have access to D level. This is a level.
Why the hell is he not on a level? He
seems to be confused. I'm not sure. I don't know
what you want me to do, sir. You know what,
Send the crusher down there to get him out. Security
down Send the crush. Your security is pretty tough down
(44:56):
on D level. Just send the crusher to extract. Okay, okay,
So this is the Pentagon, and as many on this
tour no that this is where the Department of Defense
is housed for the US government. So this is the
brain of the military's Sorry, Tim, I hate to interrupt
your um, but upstairs is requiring the crusher. Okay, So
(45:25):
what is the tour over or No, it's not. We
were told we were going to see missiles and and
you will their vending machines there are, this is another
tour guide, Alan, he'll be taking over for me. Alan,
won't you jump in there? Um? So right this way?
What are you going? Alan? His voice just kind of
(45:48):
trailed off, but he stayed exactly where he was. Alan,
where are we going? And where are the vending machines? Um?
I have I have eighteen dollars cash on me if
I still carried cash? Okay, Boomer whoa Okay, no, no,
what do you freak out? It's fine, that's hard, Pentagon noises,
(46:14):
Mr President, Mr President, Yeah, yeah, looking up? What is it? Uh? Uh?
You know I was having the best dreams. That's the best. Okay,
Uh you know? What is it? Tommy? Are you Tommy? No?
I don't know why I told you tom asn't matter
if I tell you anything. Who gives a fuck? All Right,
(46:35):
I gotta go back. I gotta go back. Play. Uh okay,
can you hear me inside the elevator? Can you hear me?
James Ronald has been released. James Ronde rock Oh my god,
(47:01):
Oh dude, dude, dude, the crusher is coming for you.
Just let me. I can't let you out on d
you try to scare your witness ten times every time
it told you you weren't eligible. Just you do like
you do you The crusher is coming for you. I
understand you want some new witness, is that right? Yeah? Yeah?
(47:26):
Do you want the A level, B level, C level,
B level or E level whatever? Whatever? Look whatever, that's
not what I'm gonna go over him again? A level,
B levels, level, B level, E level, D level did
actually level? Hold on? Let me do okay, Sam again,
(47:47):
it was a what was it? Wow? So uh you're
a crusher. That's cool, that's cool. I'm in finance myself. Listen,
I'm taking if you're trying to come on to me.
I have a gorgeous wife. She's very, very tiny and
has a very raspy voice, much like mine. Her hair
(48:09):
covers almost her whole face but ends right at her chin.
We're in love. I was trying to hit on you,
and now I am embarrassed. But this don't be embarrassed.
It happens all the time. Okay. I just want to
let you know, all of us here on Sector of
three we're huge fans of Is that Sector three of
(48:32):
E level or F level? Oh that's the good one. Yeah,
we we say F level stands for fun level. I
love that if you ever, if you ever wanted to
hang out or like just come by or something, and like, yeah,
I just don't know if my wife would feel comfortable
with that right right now? Of course, of course, of
course the Hey, tur gay, can we turn off this
(48:56):
alarm because it's really hurting my ears? And what's what's
the wife? What's the WiFi for the Pentagon? Again? I can't.
I don't know. I don't know if I can give
you that. I want to live stream the tour. Okay, um,
it's um president day one oh one exclamation point that is,
that's very surprising. Well, our tech ar tech crew does
(49:19):
all that stuff. It's not from the president himself. Uh
no ship Okay, boomer access granted Secret bunker. Congratulations on
the promotion. Five Star General James Ronald Ah, hey hey everybody, Jimmy,
(49:46):
what's with the sunglasses? I um, I hit my knee. Okay,
enough said m hmmm. So we're here. We're happy to
take orders or whatever you want to give us. It's
your it's your secret bunker. General. Yes, let's do uh,
(50:13):
let's check on the I S S. Let's see how
they're doing it there. Let's see they need anything, and
then they've been dead for months. Sir kay, I mean
it's we still have live cams in the craft, but
it doesn't really do us any good. That's put it on.
Put it on. But you'd like the cams. You want
to see the dead lodies floating in space. If that's
(50:36):
what's going on, let's put it on. General, we had
up in the eyes. Anybody is if anybody is out there,
I am the only one life here. Everyone he's dead, okay,
and I'm trying to reach St. Petersburg and Moscow. Everyone
everyone steady? Yeah, anything else? Anything else, General James, you'd
(51:05):
like to us to do here in the bunker. I
feel like you're leading me. Okay, Yeah, let's do uh Papa,
Oh my god, this is I feel like I can
do anything. Why don't we can crush him at any time?
If you want, I could just step been there and
crush him right now. Sir, I told you it was
(51:27):
a bad idea to make the crush or one of
the joint chiefs. What can I say? I moved up
in life. Come on, look, I I always feel like
crushers being a little bit, a little bit of a
war hawk about things. I mean, we don't even know
what the boomer alarm meant. But if Crusher wants to crush,
I'm just saying, piece is always an option. I don't know.
You're the five star general, though, you you're gonna do.
(51:50):
Mr President. It's it's sir Gay in the I s
s Hey, so Gay? How are you good? Good? It's
good to hear your voice again. You the best trashan,
always loyal, appreciated. So just waiting on orders. So still up?
Did you get the men chip ice cream? We said yes.
(52:11):
By the way, my name is spelled s E R
g e I, and you spelled it s I R
space capital g A Y, so it's phonetically correct, but
is not mat the way I spelled it. Okay, that
was a joke. I thought you would get it. Hm,
(52:31):
I have the best writers. Anyway. Yes, it was still amazing,
still frozen because it's very cold in space, right right,
That's what I was told, Jumbo bumbo. I guess it's true. Anyways. Uh,
should we play another game? Sure? Sure? Yeah? Okay, all right,
(52:52):
identify this farm animal that is uh oh, I know this,
I know this one crusher, Crusher I caught you before
you got your car. Look, I know, wait, are you okay?
You're sweating a lot. I'm not. I'm not, I'm not okay.
Everywhere it's it's you. You do this to me? Understandable,
(53:18):
And I know you're married, but like, what does that
even mean? It's a piece of paper, it's a well,
it's a commitment, it's a full it's a lifetime, it's
an eternity. Really, it means a lot. It's a circular
like the ring. It's it's ever lasting. It's you know, look,
I have a bomb strap to me. What if you
(53:39):
If you deny me, I'm going to run into the
pantagon and I'm going to I don't want to have
to do this to you, Janice, but I am the
crusher and I can easily just crush. That's what I want.
Is this cheating on my wife? Do I cheating my
wife and crush this woman? Or do I let her
(54:00):
and blow up the whole pentagon? No? No, no, no, everybody,
If you look to your okay, crusher, why don't we
pick up where we left off. A last session, you
were concerned about your relationship with your wife and what
the boundaries might be and how you might expand them.
(54:22):
Why don't we talk about that a little more. Sometimes
I feel like my commitment or interferes with work when
it comes to life or death situations. Right, So, prioritizing
work versus marriage can often lead to trouble in one
of the two areas. You had to prioritize them. In
(54:45):
a list, let's say where your children were number three,
what would you put as number two? Myself? Fair? And
then number one God? God, probably God, so that'd be God, yourself,
(55:05):
your child children. See this is what I was talking about.
I don't even come in the top three. Yeah again,
bringing your wife wife to the session to please ma'am?
I know, bringing your wife to the session. She she
you know, she brings work into the home life a
(55:25):
lot too. She's always measuring our eyeballs and talking to
us about our our retinal dimensions. And it's very disturbing
because I know, you know, that is the only job
I could get at the Pentagon with my hairs out
over my face like this. Who would hire me at
this tiny size? Get bangs? I'm sorry, that's okay, Crusher, Tabitha,
(55:48):
Why don't you tell your husband what this is? Really
about this frustration that you're feeling. I think this frustration
that I'm feeling is not to me. T tell Crush, Crusher,
I think what really hurt me? You're still looking right
at me. You can't make eye contact with me. Come on, look,
(56:10):
let me part my hair. You can see where my
eyes are looking. Oh, I'm sorry, my bad. My head
was looking this way, but my eyes were turned. It's
hard to tell when she turns her head. It's so sick.
Now I feel like you're up on me. On the
next season of Crush of Love, will the Crusher finally
handle everything at home or will the introduction of a
(56:31):
werewolf spice things up? Steve, this is live, so I
gotta get one more if I could, please, I mean,
that's all I got. That's what I need. Give me
one with panic? Come on, you got? Oh? God? Actually
the negs Crushed with Love Crusher be able to What
(56:53):
did I say every God when I said that's our
show for today. Oh, let's thank all of our alchemists
and no particular order. Craig Kowski, how are you are
Things in the Carolina's hot and steamy? Yeah, the weather
is kind of humid. Wait for it much love to
(57:17):
Carla and m are there pets. There is that what
My parents were here for a while. So yeah, there's
a there's a lot going on. It's relaxing. Well, enjoy
and stay healthy please, thank you and Mark Agliardiya's life
(57:39):
is swell a okay, life is great. Man. I'm just uh,
just sitting up here in the valley and um waiting
for waiting for the world to shift a little okay,
feeling a little judge when you say up here in
the valley, I'm just saying, man, come onto the valley. Brother,
it's the top. We got it. That's right, the valley
(58:00):
cops and grips. Well, thank you for being here as always.
Uh now are our first time or Jackie, thank you
so much as you have fun a blast here in
those same vala that. Thank you so very much for
being here. Thank yeah, please come back as soon as
(58:21):
you possibly can. That's an open invitation. If you can
just check with Joey and make sure he's cool with it.
I'm certainly fine with it. We'll see, we'll see if
our feud will get away. Thank you again, Jackie. Chris Alvarado,
that's how Studio City Alvarado whoa. Thanks once again of course.
(58:49):
And Jackie, where can people find you? You make funny
videos all the time? Oh great, Yeah, sure, I think honestly,
if you if I think it's at Jackie d Ruthie, Um,
I think, but I don't imagine that anyone. But I
don't imagine that any there aren't. There are a lot
of d Ruthy's, but not a lot of Jackie Ruthie.
(59:10):
So I think, like you'll find me, but I'm pretty
sure it's at Jackie d Ruthy. I'm much better at
Instagram than Twitter, that's for sure. Not very good, that's what. Yeah? Yeah, yeah,
I think it's not Jackie Ruthy. Yeah yeah. And Doruthy
folks is do you double r you th h one? Yeah? Yeah?
And if you like Christmas movies, I have a podcast
(59:31):
talking about bad ones, the most wonderful pot of the year.
Open invitation to any of you guys to come join
and watch a bad one and and talk about it.
Sign me up, wonder Oh I'm in Yeah that sounds
like a great podcast. And thank you for joining us today. Um,
Chris Albaro, thank you for giving all of your time
to Jackie. That was very sweet. Of you, of course. No, no, no,
(59:54):
your time is done. I'm done. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry,
Joey Graherman. Yes, from an undisclosed location in the Santa
Monica Mountains, that you mean sober like? We got it? Yep, yep, okay, yes,
thanks for banger pal. I understand the West Side Comedy
(01:00:17):
Theater is going to uh be put on pause for
a little while. That's right, yep. So um, folks will
just look you up on the Instagram and uh they
want to see what's up. Just swing by, say what's up?
Was you know what I mean? From the street, I'll say, hey,
wear a mask, wear masks, keep keep your fucking distance
(01:00:39):
and uh what was the question? Well, no, no, we're good.
We're good. I'm gonna get the rest of your time
to Chris. Uh. Let's thank our engineer and producer to
the stars, Mr Doug Baine, the fine folks that I
heart media. Fump bump bump, bump, bump bump. I'm your host,
(01:01:00):
Kevin Pollock asking you, as always please be kind to
each other. Wear masks so we can look out for
each other. And uh, you know, when you have a sack,
wash the damn hands, would it kill you it might
until next time I
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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