January 31, 2019 • 63 mins
We had some wonderful scene suggestions from fans this week: The alchemists are part of a cult, a cult that ends in a mass suicide pact. Once the deed is done, they get stuck in limbo and have to try and work out what unfinished business they have to take care of. In the meantime Satan & God try to persuade each of them to choose heaven or hell as their final resting place...A librarian has to field people's questions or their excuses for late fees...A crack shot team of art thieves break into a large art gallery.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to Alchemy this I'm your host, Kevin Pollock,
Yes that Kevin Polo That, Yes, I do think not
including the inspiring Mr Rogers documentary, won't you be my neighbor?
In the Oscar nominations? There is a legit reason the
boycott this year's festivities, But I digress, dear pimps and
pim bats. Over the years, I've seen my fair share
of alchemy. My definition alchemy is quote when a person
(00:24):
or a person's creates something through a seemingly magical process. Well,
one day the idea struck me right between the eyeballs.
What if I brought together the right creative people and
asked them to make stuff up based on my own
twisted ideas, and then I offered a podcast of the
seeming or magical process and I could call it alchemy.
Come back to bed? Damn it? But Peter getting cold? Well,
(00:44):
good peeps and boops. After a bit of titled tinkering,
I'm so very proud to present to you another episode
of Alchemy. Then let's meet our alchemists, shall we? You
know particular, order to say hello to James Eny Jimmy,
Hey Jack? Can I call him? Okay? Go ahead, go ahead.
Can I call your Martha Plumpton? So here's the problem.
I was at sketch Fest and I was like, oh,
I'm in alchemy this and You're like, oh, are you
(01:05):
Larry Nozzle tlister Martha Plumpton? And I'm like, no, James,
he had never heard of them. So I'd really like
to just change. My work is done here, Uh, pull
over and park it. It's Vanessa Ragland Venete. What's your
favorite dessert? And or desert? I like anything that salt
on it perfectly. Well, let's crying time again because Joey
(01:26):
Greer is here. Greer and Barrett. What do you get
when you subtract twenty two from eight thousand, a lesser number?
Put the pot on. It's Mark gag Learts. When you
dream at night? What animals do you talk to? Most?
I talked to other humans, but they're only half humans.
(01:47):
Perfect yeah yeah, yeah, last, but foodie on you if
you think them leaves? It's great, kosk can any buddy Coroboway?
Whatever about the nine? It's one out in Georgia. I
don't respect the question. You had no authority? All correct answers,
(02:12):
all right? Uh? These scenes for today's episode are suggested
by our listener mail. That's my way of pointing fingers. Yeah,
they are, in fact all listener females um. First up, though,
a follow up from a grateful listener whose fan mail
(02:33):
suggestion I read a couple of weeks ago that we
improvise from. That's Whitney Larson, who writes to us, thank you,
dear alchemy, this team for life in the Registrar's office
and for proving once again the higher education is all
about athletics. Sigh seriously. I closed the office briefly and
(02:54):
listened with my assistance and student workers. It broke the tedium.
Well that's why we do this. We broke the tedium
the TV and we all more than giggled more than giggled.
What are we looking for here? No more than giggled
more than giggle. I don't sense of gufa anywhere in
their existence. Always looking forward to what you do next,
(03:16):
best wit, So thank you Whitney Larson for that. Now
we have our first fan mail from the United Kingdom.
That's all we have time for today. Although this listener's
(03:37):
name is Barry King, I'm going to insist that given
his land of origin as well as our general ignorance
of the laws government for foreign brothers and sisters that
we refer to him as King Barry. King Barry wrote us,
good evening, folks, love love, lovely show. It's already horrible.
I thought I would share with you my idea for
(03:57):
seeing The Alchemists are part of a cult, the cult
that ends in a mass suicide pad. He wants us
to die once the deed is done, rather than being
transported to an alien planet or send to Heaven or
indeed take the plunge to Hell. They get stuck in
the limbo and have to try and work what work out,
(04:17):
what unfinished business they have to take care of it? Yeah, yeah,
a lot of backstory. Take what you will. In the meantime,
Satan and God try to persuade each of them. This
is a photo arresting spot. I'm only halfway through the
leg It's a letter even he signed. Yeah you know,
he wrote with a quill. Keep out the good work,
(04:41):
King Barry from england Shire. Alright, so we now take
you to limbo. Uh where souls are lost? Uh? Can
somebody help me find my keys? Can someone help me
find my dog? You have a dog you brought a dog.
I had to leg I don't think they were bringing dogs,
and we don't need legs were Floatus's just like emotional
(05:03):
support bullshit because I don't know. I really I can't.
I just can't. Let's just find my dog and then
we can help you with your problem, and then I
think everyone won't be able to be fine. Why do
you need your keys, Clive so we can drive out
of here? I think we're going to be picked up
by the spaceship if we just have patience. What makes
you still believe that the spaceship is coming? Guys, I
(05:25):
really think that we might have. We might have picked
the wrong horse on this one with Tim. I've got
to say, nobody said that my legs would go missing.
This is a curveball. There's no spaceship. Something else is
up yet, nothing that dear leader told us has come true.
And did you notice that dear leader didn't drink it? No,
he's not here. Where's dear Leader? We don't know he
didn't drink it. I'm sure that he's just making sure
(05:47):
we all made it to this bus stop for the
next bus stop. It's what it kind of is. It's
like a transition, doesn't look like a bus stop to me,
he'll be here soon, and then once he's here, we
could all go together. Any quarters you've got, any quarters? Welcome, Welcome, Welcome.
I've been here for two thousand years years. How do
(06:10):
you know that I know that I read the stars? Well,
that's just another thing that fell off. One of the
other things that fell off. Well, my kneecaf slid down.
My teaso's are gone, which my teaso's sure, all my
hands are gone. How do we leave here? Oh, that's
(06:36):
not a good sign. Here you all have some unfinished
business to take care of that collectively, or like we
each have unfinished business. It looked like you're all wearing
the same kind of robes and Nike sneakers. So we
got duped, but we didn't get Are you still holding
(06:57):
onto this? If, of course I took the tip, will
explain what you think is going on? Because I don't
have legs in a gooey man is telling us we've
unfinished pysics, girl, just lay it out for me. I
think he's a spiritual hitchhiker trying to suck you us
off of us. Speaking of which, can I just clear
the slight real quick? How many of us had sweet
made sweet sweet love to leader? Yoh yeah, I always
(07:20):
made sweet sweet love too by Leader. Okay, I make
you the special. Well, yeah, let's don't keep making a
sweet sweet love. To answer your question, sir, I don't
have any change because we were told not to bring
any baggage into the afterlife, and so I'm certainly not
going to go in the afterlife with loose quarters. Also,
what would you do with quarters? Here? Let stack him up?
(07:41):
Maybe I can climb my way to him, you know,
not having Oh boy, no no no, no no no.
Does that mean it's hell on? No? No no, no,
no no no. You're just gonna say that to every
question I would have been on what it is? Okay?
Is this a bus stop? Again? Have you ever seen
(08:01):
a bus here? The bus here? Uh? Huh? Was it stopping?
Moving fast? Made a marshmallow? So you died two thousand
years ago and you've been stacking up American quarters and
you know what a bus is? What's the third degree
on this? There's more? I think we should step away
(08:25):
from him. He's clearly not with us. How are we
going to get out of here? And where are we going?
I don't know somebody mentioned a marshmallow bus, but I
don't think it's coming. Count on, Hello, I see some
wondering youths. Yes, yes, hello, hello? Maybe ask who you are? You?
(08:46):
Who are you? I am the great nipple? The right's
the great great nipple? Just looks like a giant nipple.
I didn't want to say. Is there a medio? Do
we suckle? Right? That's all of you must suckle? Can't
be right from the top of your head. I mean
(09:08):
it just to just jumped right in there. What is
it told me to suckle? What is it like? What
you find? Great piece? Just water? Guys, I feel like
our malleability has been a problem in the past, and
this guy's just telling us to suckle him, and we're
just saying yes. Why would I say no? I have
no legs. I'm in the middle of a gooey land
(09:30):
with a gooey man. God is here in the first place?
Change immediately? Did you guys also give all of your
life savings? Yeah? Yeah, but what were you going to
use him for a while? Going to a higher place?
And I think it's why he's not here. What's he
going to do with all that junk? You're still on
(09:52):
the is it getting better? Everyone drink from my well,
I don't think so. She's throwing. If you drink from money,
you will meet Nirvana. We'll meet Nirvana. They're here. Dave
Grol was still alive at the time that we died.
Things happen? Man look looking like who want to meet
(10:16):
the Nirvana? I don't know. I don't mean to be
in a hurry of any kind, But how do we
get out of here? Drink from guy? You two is here? Also,
you too is here? They were almost what happened? How
(10:40):
many people drank the koolaid? I mean, I think all
six of us. You're talking metaphorically or literally literally? Well,
I bought in to the belief system, and I also
drank the kolid Okay, but wait, just the six of us,
the hundreds of us in this in this group, are
we the only ones who fell for them? Well, dear
leader told me I was special. I didn't realize told
(11:01):
me five other special people. Yeah, he told me I
was special, was special. He told me I was special
while he made love to me. That's when he told
me while he was making love to him. No, no, no,
well he was making love to me. But he told
me I was the only one, so I thought it
was just gonna be me and him here. But you
guys are cool, hey kids looking to make them love?
Is that what I'm hearing? Oh my god, I heard
(11:27):
one of you look curious about how to get out
of here, and we're supposed to be going up. Nipple
is misdirecting. Don't fall for the nipple game. I mean,
it's a newcomer thing everybody does. Don't feel to be
mad about it. But I've got a way out, really,
except for this one over here says I'm about going up.
(11:48):
We're definitely not going But no, I'm supposed to be
going to a higher place and you're supposed to be
in than there is, and you can add one or
the other supposed to be. He's gonna keep you here.
Wait wait, wait, where wherever we're going is worser better
than where we are now? It's a lot better. This
is this is yeah, whole lot of nothing. And you're
(12:09):
saying it's going in a different direction than up. Yeah,
you keep signaling on an upward fashion. We're pointing down.
We're not going up. Yeah, why are you pointing down?
Because that's where we're here? Is that hell is hell real?
Give it a name. Were already given a name. We
could give it a name, is my point? Are we
(12:30):
going to Debora? I haven't aunt Debora. I love that name.
She loves you, she does love I knew this could
turnaround much better. Nipple too, if I could say so.
I got six of them, six nipples. That's the nipple
for each of it. It turns out that's gonna work out.
Just too good to be true? Well that see, that's
the thing about it, is it. It sounds too good
(12:51):
to be true, and it's not too good to be true.
It's just it's just good true. It's just true. It's
also not true. And you meant to wait what I
just need some paperwork? Sign? You have medals on your chests.
Were you a soldier in the past life? Many many
soldiers and passed through this life. Yes, that's for sure.
(13:15):
So you weren't a soldier. You just stole their medals.
You have been through this before. I don't know how
to break it to you, but this is not your
first trip. Yeah, I mean, I could break it all
down for you individually, or you could just take no
word for break it down individual. What was your name?
Jim Jim. My name is Tim Jim. Yeah, all right,
Jim Jim. So you were a philistine originally philistine? Yeah,
(13:42):
by name a car. Yeah, and uh you died in
a fight? Cool y, Yeah, it was embarrassing for your family.
You didn't fight, well, you were a bit of a coward.
It wasn't even a fight. You were attacked and you
cried and then died. And this was thousands of years ago. Sure,
(14:03):
sure it was all right. Well, do you know you're
a chim Chum. No, I'm not. That's Jim Chum. Names on,
you're a check my record here, you're a filistine. That
(14:24):
was everything. If we all were just so we weren't,
if we all were just, then we can just wrap
that up and then move on to the individuals. Do
we all have the same backstory? The first two philistines?
That's all. It was a coincidence. Okay, just take us
to Tapra. Alright, alright by me? Wait wait wait, wait, wait,
(14:45):
hold on a second, are you the are you the devil?
Are you trying to trick us? Is that what's happening
right here? That name? Okay, are you about another name
is a favorite of mine? So we know that. No,
I'll stay I'll stay here, you stay here in anybody
(15:11):
want to get Yes, yes, the fst beallow bus up
on the bushmallows, the bicest, longest hair. Thank you for
picking us up, No problem. We almost got tricked by
the devil, did you? And you probably did get tricked
(15:32):
by that nipple guy dude, didn't we suck? Yeah, yeah,
he'll do that. And then before that this while our
great leader we were drinking. I mean, it's just been
a crazy I have no idea of time anymore, but
it's been a crazy a little while. So it's so
going to be more so comfortable. Oh sure, sure, sure,
well you know you sitting down, relax, enjoy the marshmallows,
and we'll get you guys to Debora in no time. Debra. Yeah,
(15:54):
this is the bus to Deborah. To tell us more
about Debora. Oh Debora. Yeah, sure, she's a she's a
beautiful place. Yeah, she's a real wonderful, wonderful place, real
hot fires and uh, maybe it's not the same Deborah.
It's going to be a different Oh no, this is
the Debora that is also called Hello. You guys wanted
(16:19):
the bus on the other side of the street. That's
why it's getting where to Oh that bus, That bus
goes to Hank. Oh yeah, Hank Heaven. Well, some folks
call it Heaven, but then we call it that's what
we were calling. Well most most people around here call
it Hank. No, well, there's there's less fires there. Oh sure, sure,
(16:42):
a lot less fire, way more clouds that. Do we
need a transfer to get onto Hank. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna.
I'm gonna need to see I'm gonna need to see
all of your I D s though, and everybody's gonna
have to hold up their keys. Were That's the thing
we weren't allowed to bring anything. Do you have any
American quarters? American American leg I had a complete set
(17:03):
of all the state quarters with the landmarks on the
How long have you been driving the bus to Debora?
Oh gosh, probably since the Philistines got on this thing,
long long time. And why are you still stuck here? Oh?
Oh no, I'm more of a ferryman than than stuck here.
(17:24):
Oh I I go home, go home every night. At
the end of the day, we're supposed to pay the ferryman,
pay the ferry. We don't have any coins. Yes, that's
the thing. Well, we do have song, we have the
gift a song you hold on a second. Yeah, and
we can also make sweet long anymore because we can't
(17:47):
pay for it. Well, that just did that work. I
can't tell you how fond I am of that motion
picture of the Top Gun. And that just made me
think of it. And I'll be daring if I'm not
going to drive you all the hank right now. I
just have one question. Is there a movie night here?
(18:07):
Oh yeah, oh yeah, there's a movie night you get
all the latest pictures from as you said, America. Look,
let's not get to uh, because I feel again we're
being duped. We failed for the kool aid. Some of
you guys drip drink from drank from the nipple. I mean,
how much more are we gonna fall for? How do
you know about top Gun? You've been here since the Philistines?
(18:28):
I mean, what's happening? Well, we get I'm caught, Yes,
what's what do you mean? You're car what are you excited?
Every episode of Colombo, I finally figured something. Yes, this
is hurting us, but you don't want to get duped again.
But then you have figured simping out before the poison.
(18:51):
Don't take the I'm a millennial. Remind me of what
Colombo is. Colombo was a TV show back during phil
Was that a dog on this guy? The cop? The
cops are pulling the bus, so this is goodforcement pull
that bus to the side, alight, alright, pulling over. It
(19:13):
seems to be a problem. I need to see everyone's
and everyone's quarters. Everyone's quarters? We don't have ideas? Are
quarters all? This bus is gonna get under arrest. Get
free to go, bus driver. Thanks later, we're coming the
biggest cups. I'm locking this bus down. No one's coming
in or out of this bus? What what? Why? What
(19:34):
have we done? You don't have your quarters than that?
I mean, come on, really, look, this bus is illegally registered.
Bus's march metal ain't supposed to be on the road,
are we you're Limbo on the way to Deborah and
you're well we were almost on the way to hang
Well the bus is going on. What it looked like
it didn't turn around, now, did it? Man? Limbo cops
are harsh. You'd think they'd be more ambiguous. No, no, no,
(19:55):
we're pretty straightforward about this. The hard line. We got
Limbos the rhythm. We're gonna have to pay for that.
We're gonna have to pay for that. Uh, miss officer, Yeah,
(20:18):
is this what you really want to be doing with
the rest of your life? Talk to me? Good thought
about that? I was created without any genitally and forced
to write lord of this realm and police in the
way that would allow only the right souls to go
where they need to be. And what if we could
promise you a more enlightened can't promise me that? Were
(20:41):
you saying this stuff greatly? Yeah, we can't. We can't
if you give if you give us your worldly possessions
or other worldly let me have that batch things that
you don't actually need to be happy. I want to
make love and just I have no genitali or holes exactly.
(21:01):
That's what problem. We can show you that happiness. Are
you ready? Are you're gonna cut me open or some Yeah? Sure,
that's my name. Give me that limbo stick. Okay, he's
(21:23):
got hold now, Now I got hold? Now quarters gets
the quarters opened like a pinata and spit out quarters.
My god, you're a monster. Maybe you do belong in Deborah.
(21:46):
And there we have King Barry's fantasy come to live
exactly the way he wanted it. Yeah. If that doesn't brexit,
I don't know what will. Uh scene too from Jonah
(22:09):
Bloom or Blum b l u m blum jam. Oh
it is Jonah blamerik Jonah Blom who wrote, Hi, that's
it weird. Hi. I used to be a public librarian bragging,
(22:33):
and I saw all kinds of weird ship. One time
I had to call the police on an elderly gentleman
who lost it because we didn't have any porno DVDs
for borrowing. Not the scene suggestion. I would love to
hear a librarian trying to field people's questions or their
excuses for late fees. The podcast is hysterical. I look
(22:54):
forward to it every Thursday. Parole Board and the therapist
therapists are my favorites. Fantast stick job. Thanks for making
such great, unique content. Best Jonah Blumstein. Can you watch
porn DVDs at the library one of those private PEP
(23:16):
showrooms and they have at the Bourbank Public Library. Let's
go to the library now and find out. This can't
be a correct number. I I turned those those books
in on time. I there must be a mistake in
your system. The system doesn't make you want to take it. Okay.
(23:38):
I just want to check this new book out, and
I don't have any money with me today, so just please,
Oh you can't, sir. The system doesn't make mistakes. I'm
looking at the screen. The screen tells no lies. I mean,
nobody was going to use that book. It's it was
only that, sir. That sounds like an admission of guilt. No,
(23:58):
I'm just saying, even if it was worst case theory
and nobody's gonna how many people read Where the Red
Fern Grocery Stays. It's no old book. A lot of
people read that book. People like to cry to that book.
So you can just march your homie right out of
here and come back with seventeen dollars and seventies six cents.
It's just that that book doesn't even cost that much money.
I could buy three. That's not the way we do
(24:20):
are math here, sir. There's a line. Okay, I'm trying
to finish up with customers. Okay, So sir, you're at two.
Doesn't bode well for the way this is gonna. If
I could just maybe take this book out and then
next time we'll return to Hamburger today and pay it
(24:41):
for that later too. You're embarrassing me. Okay, fine, fine,
I'll come back. We can read it on the bean
bag if you want in the shame corner. Okay, all right,
I will. I want to bring back all these DVDs
and about some came bat and getting some new ones. Okay, Um,
(25:02):
these have scratches on them. What do you mean the discs?
Excuse you everyone, if you need to cough, go outside.
The DVDs are scratched, the disks are damaged. But I
don't think so let's pop on it into what I
mean my co suter doesn't have a disc? Right? Well,
(25:23):
how would you know whether it's actually damaged or not?
Because they can see the scratch. There's cat hair and
a scratch. I might have used one as a coaster.
The point is they weren't all perfect when I got Oh,
I check every disc when it comes in and certain
you want us two hundred dollars two hundred dollars, yes, yeah,
and for a disorderly conduct? But what excuse me? There's
(25:45):
a line for him, and can we move it along? Okay, look,
I'm gonna can I give you a credit card? You
can you can give me a credit card, but I
can't run it. We don't accept cards. What does this mean?
You should watch personal chat? Personal checks are cash? Yes,
and ruined Battlestar Galactica for everyone. Well, if you ruined
(26:07):
it for everyone, yes, but if you look closer, it
says the girls of Battlestar Galactic girls a battles Is
this from our collection? I'm donating it. This is a donation. Yes,
we can't accept this. Well, you can't. It's got a
cat scratch and it's and I don't understand. This is
(26:28):
a born now, mom, Yes, there are children here, Okay,
they shouldn't watch it. Absolutely. You gotta take this porno
and leave. Well, I tell you what, why don't I
leave it? Welcome back, I'm just watch you don't know.
I'm not gonna whoever. I'm still disconnected from my sexual
(26:52):
I wouldn't never do this, Yes, but I'll tell you one.
I'll leave it for a week and let's see if
anybody wants and I'll come back in a week. If
they don't want it, I'll take it. That is that
the girl's a Battlestar Galactica. I'll take it off your hand.
It's not. It's not I can't. I cannot broker that transaction.
Wouldn't meet me in the park because the disc is
in my hand. I will not give it back. I
(27:14):
will not broker the transaction. And I don't watch porno.
You don't need to have an orcasm to be a person.
Just for the record, you can be very sad as
without ever having an orcasm. Somebody's gonna have an orgasm
to make a person at some point. No, you don't,
(27:34):
that's not true. All right, Well, sir, the fellow doesn't
need to come to a conclusion. Though you don't have
to call it what you said. There is the ordcast.
But yeah, I'm putting this girl's a Battlestar Galactica in
the file cabinet. Okay, under yuck? Why what else is
(27:58):
in the yuck file? If you weather donations, we've gotten
such a I don't have to tell you that. Cats
and People it's a five disc collection called Cats and
People and it's despicable. Is it German? It is German
Cats and people. That's one word, cats and people. Oddly enough,
(28:23):
my last name is cats and people, Cats and people.
I'm Heinrich cats and People, and I'm very old. First
of all, let me get that out of My mother
just died, so you can leave filth monger, Mr Cats
and People. I found I found a book that I
was cleaning up my mother's place, and a book that
(28:44):
she had borrowed from the library long long ago. And
I thought I'd be a good samaritan and come and
return it. Oh, well, that's wonderful. We could use more
like you. Here you go, here's here's the book. Five
five dollars. Oh no, I'm just returning the book. That
mother must have had it for years. And she did
(29:05):
have it for years. She had it for seven years. Okay,
as a line farman, we can't see. Can't the feed
just be waived because of what a good story this is.
(29:26):
That's not the way fees work or stories don't. The
fees get capped at a certain point. I think it
capped at six thousand dollars. You would never pay a
cent over six thousand to the public library. Oh, I
see that. That's your policy. Mr cats and People. Keep
it down. Write the check unless you have cash, or
(29:48):
do you want to become property of the public life Maybe, sir,
do you want to become property of the public life,
become properly of the public. You've entered into a contract.
Your mother entered into to it, and when she died,
that contract came under your name. So now you pay
up or you become property in the public library. Please
don't put me in the drawer. Oh honey, you're not
(30:10):
going to fit in the U drawer. We got a
bigger area for you. Am I to understand you are
surrendering yourself to the public library. Mr Cat So I
can't pay the fee, and you will give the y man.
Glad that guy's gone. Have me to you have where
the red fern grows? Oh funny, you should mention that. Yeah,
(30:34):
it is. Most people cry to It's very sad, but
it is. Unfortunately we don't have a copy of this library.
I can put in for an order from another branch
and we can get it here in about eight weeks.
Eight weeks. Well, my book report is due a lot
sooner than that. Quick point. Yeah, um, do you have
(30:56):
any um? Give those so it? You can't smoke pipe
in here? Sorry? Can can I smoke a cigar in here?
You can hold a cigar and gesture, but you can't
light it. Okay, that's that's fine. Can I smoke this
hooka in here? No? You can? You can display the hookah,
I can display them. Yes, you can load the hookah,
(31:17):
you can feel them. Let me load up this hooka,
display it all right? Here, here's my hookah. There you
go within reason? All right? If you don't have where
the red fern grows? Do you have that? You have
cats and people disc? Four? I'm sorry? Do you have
cats and people? Disc for? It's not an artificial collection,
(31:42):
but is it in your young drawer? I can't say
that on the record, sir. Oh no, I don't need
the record. I need the DVD. I can't broker that
transaction with your library card. Well how about how about
with this this stick of gum that's in my pocket?
(32:03):
Not enough? Okay, the whole pack? Then more? Jeez? Alright,
give hers alright, there's a law in form in here?
Oh sorry, al right, Here, here's forty bucks and and
my hookah. Thank you? How you doing? I'm having a day? Hey,
(32:25):
if I'm being honest, allowed to donate blood? Um? We
don't have a blood drive here, sir? Already punctured it. Yea, yeah,
we don't. We don't have a way to collect that sir,
we don't have a way to collect that. I'll take
that water bottle by you can, I can. I take
(32:47):
out some cigarettes, but you can't like them. And sir,
you were gushing in the public. It's okay, okay, it's okay.
As long as I got my feet, I'm fine. I'll
take some cigarettes and get your feet. As long as
you've got your feet. I got my feet. I'm okay.
Help help, help, help, help help, um you know, I
(33:08):
just I need to tap out him my shift right now. Okay,
I'll follow you to the parking Please don't bleeding man,
bleeding man? Okay, where did you get the cigarettes? Where
do I keep the cigarettes? Yes, I'm trading blood for cigarettes. No, no,
where did you get this information. There's a public bank.
This is a library. This is a public library, not
(33:31):
a blood drive. This is not a blood bank. This
has nothing to do with cigarettes. You can dislike them,
but you can't light them. Okay, I'm gonna take a sleep.
Oh I'm gonna sleep here is that? Okay, go on
the bean bag. I'm sitting here. You can't just I'm sorry.
I know I'm using this to he's bleeding and dying
(33:51):
on you. Well, then let me have my feedback. Hey,
is that where the red fern grows? I'm not turning
it in. I'm not ready to turn it in, sir.
They want me to pay an overdue fee. Oh, six
thousand dollars, No, seventeen dollars. That's nothing. Pay the fee,
give me the book. I don't have any money. And
this guy's bleeding all over the books. How it's ruined? Anyways,
(34:15):
go outside and smoked my pipe. And that was one
of the craziest days we've ever had at this library.
And I've been a captive here ever since. Your kids
have any questions, we have a question? Yeah, Well, when
you said that you were part of the navy and
that you were promoted because of valor? Is valor because
of time? Is valor because of time? I thought that
(34:38):
what I wanted to know you also wanted to know
is val because of Well, uh, that really wasn't that
I mentioned off handedly at the beginning of the story
that I served in the Navy. Why The main point
was that I was taken captain by this library twins
(35:00):
twenty years ago, when I was already very elderly, and
I've been kept here as a resource ever since? Is
a source of or a product of? We don't know.
This isn't a story about Valor? Store store? Where can
we come on purchase Valor? Can you purchase valid? Oh?
Does it live in your heart? It's got to live
(35:21):
in your heart. That's a good point. Any other any
other questions? I have a question? Okay, is it about Valor?
All right? What? What is it? Understand? Any her military
grows in any country. Development of the Navy in the
American military system. At what point do you think it
became as strong as the United Kingdoms Navy? That was
(35:45):
also my follow up question. Oh Jesus, I I don't
know the answer to that question. Do you think it? Look? Uh?
Let me send you to h to the the eight
hundred section of nonfiction and that will you can learn
about world history there and the United Kingdom the same,
but you're different. Wales is part of the United Kingdom,
(36:10):
I believe is do you think wex it's gonna make
a big difference in the split between Northern Ireland and
wed Yo Ireland? What is what is up with that
speech impediment? Kid? I've been made fun of it from
a whole wife. You have a wife? Oh, my Oh, okay,
I get it. Oh, Mr Cats and people, please sit
(36:31):
down in the chair. All right, you have been making
fun of children. I have never been making You made
fun of a child's speech impediment just today. Look, I'm
here at the library. Is a resource. You are owned
by the library. And until I work off my fee,
haven't I How what am I at now? Well that's
(36:51):
why I brought you intoday. You've worked off your fee.
But the world's changed, Cats and pull, the world's changed.
I don't think you even want to go out there?
Well I do. I do. I need to see the
rest of my family. Then they didn't come to visit
me once. No, they didn't. They didn't. And do you
know where your family is now? Me? Neither. We'll find
(37:16):
him twenty years later. It's crazy. But here's your paperwork
right here. You sign it. You can walk out those
doors a free man. What's the catch? There's no catch.
We don't want your raggedy yes old man talking ship
the little children about their lisp. So we're gonna let
you go sign the papers and walk out the door
(37:37):
and never come back. All right, I'll sign the papers
and I'll take my girls a Battlestar Galactica DVD that
I was promised so many years ago in the yuck drawer. Yes,
I'll try to find it right away. Is that your property?
I don't see that it is my property. It was
(37:59):
never properly, but it should be right there in the ductura. God,
I haven't looked at the ductor in a long time. Well,
we'll do our best right now. I'll ever since that
librarian died a horrible death, another one of the crazy
stories here at the library. Did you die that? That's
not a very good story for you. Well, it was horrible.
(38:25):
It was shortly thereafter that bloody man came into the library.
I think you're gonna sleep here. I'm sleep here, Okay.
I don't know if this sleep or death? Is this
sleep or death? It's slef sleft. You can't bleed on
the books or the Can someone help me? Can someone
(38:51):
help me? I am not trained for this. Can someone
help me? What do you There's a man dye over here,
and there's no one at my post at the desk,
and I don't know what to do in the phone,
and you look after the dead guy? Oh no, opposite, Please,
you want me to look after it dead guy. I
mean I'll call the police. That's that's what I would
love to do. Yeah, oh, do you have a phone? Yeah?
(39:15):
Officers sold fox done. Oh let me drag him out
of here. Hey, sorry about your immin horrible death. Lady,
pardon me, officer, officer, pardon me. Bump bump, bump, bump.
Don't don't don't. You're a limbo. Limbo. I've heard the
(39:41):
music and I knew it. Damn it, cure lady. I
don't want to suckle at it tastes like that nipple.
I know I sucked on your earlier. Hey there, Oh,
(40:06):
we got time for just one more. It's been a
long weekend from Jonathan Brutch, who wrote recently discovered the
podcast thanks to forceful marketing tactics and decided team is affective.
Finally the armed people have showed up at your door
(40:28):
uh and decided to give into our advertising overlords. It
is Sue many osan superb Vanessa Raglan almost caused me
to have a car accident due to laughing so hard.
Singled you out, sary, single out anyway. I have a
(40:49):
suggestion or two, and then he only gave one. Um,
I would love to hear a scene based off of
the TV show Shark Tank or an art gallery theft.
Oh so we did give to a crack shot team
of art thieves break into a large art gallery and
(41:12):
then what presented to Shark Tank. I don't know who
doesn't love a good heist. That is all for now,
keep up the great work. Uh, And that, of course
is from Jonathan Brutch. So let's let's go to an
art museum after hours and see what happens there. I
need an extra pair of gloves. He's got the gloves
(41:33):
I do right here. Okay, were told they'll bring our
own gloves. I understand your game. Just need I forgot.
I have an extra pair to take you there. Whoa, oh,
I guess it's nobody. I thought I sword Ninja sounds. Hey, guys,
are you still in the box? If someone wants to
(41:53):
open the box? Kiev, Kiev, Why do you make those noises?
Why do you make then nine noises? Don't make any noise?
Just go flat against the wall. Also, you're doing it
with your mouth man. Yeah, just don't make any noises.
I mean, if you fold the guard we trained that
is how you hide from guard. Yeah, but that's exactly
what the guard is listening for. No kid, you stop
(42:16):
making any noises stopping if someone go open the box,
So like I fold myself. You know, let's just open
the box because it's not for already. Hose comes out
of the box and we get close to the statue.
Okay here, you know that's the plan. But I feel like,
why are we not going by the place and the
one person folding into a box? But you know that
(42:39):
was gonna happen if you didn't bring clubs. Stop making
over shut the fun mands. I don't know where. Let's
just be in my head that was not shot. Why
would you make those sounds making girls selves our authentic ninjaself?
(43:02):
Just make them when we're being looked at or or
or yelled at. Look you are your kiv. Yes, you'll
get your kia. Okay, you know what those are? Authentic
ninja sounds. It sounds like a train does keep out
of the box. Please you want Rose? Kick get up on? Okay, fine, Rose,
if you if you cut the box, you got to
get back in the box. You understand that. I of
(43:22):
course I understand how to get take in the box.
If I keep out the box. When someone has to
take the lid off so I can get out of
the box. Unlock the un please, ye okay, here you
go and it enters your box. Open the box is
not open. It's opening your mon, you're the best code
cracker around. We've set the code all right down, the
(43:47):
code making digits to no one guess and it's only one.
The guy likes to give himself a challenge. But inside
the box he has a fine am out of oxygen
in that box. So I'm sorry. When did this gang
that couldn't shoot straight? Thing happen? Back at the hide out?
(44:10):
We it was all planned out. It was step by step.
You were going to put the code and she was
gonna get in the box. You're gonna let her out.
I'll be honest, And when I get out, that can
kind of beam. I can get the art. I can
go back in the box. But I can do that
in here. And as Gregor has pointed out, there's the
ocydn't start to get Rose does everything. That was the plan.
The four of us get the box here and we
(44:32):
let her out. She does it all. Where did my
gloves go? What did you do with the How do
I lose the glove? The clothes. You just hands. What's
going on? That's ninja ninja. That's weird ninja ninja. I
wonder what this box is doing here? Uh, maybe I'll
(44:54):
just take this box down the storage. Oh no, oh fun,
we lost Rose. I think she'll be okay. We just
need to get We just need to get inside the
(45:14):
story unit of this museum, and that's far the box
will be. We don't have in the meantime. What's the code?
It's one digit, that's all I know. It's one digit.
And if you try zero to nine and one of
those zero to nine, there's only ten percent chance that
you get wrong. You said ninja that time, you said
a couple of times. Maybe you just heard it because
(45:36):
I was such a thing. Next time, we're almost caught.
Why don't you say karate chop like that? Don't tell
him that. Don't tell him that. No, don't do that. Wait,
where's your shirtcoll Where did your shirt go? Lose shirt?
Don't get thing progressively more nude. We gotta get inside
the story carry Look, Rose is the only one strong
(45:56):
enough to carry the statue. That's why she was in
the box. That's box. Okay, she's going to carry the
statue into the box. We're going to take the box.
We gotta get to that box. Okay, okay, storage unit.
You're my only friend. It's me and smart looking at
the world, thinking about the castle. It's me, God, what
(46:24):
it's me? God, God, it's me Art. Hello, Art Man,
I love you so much. What do you mean you
love art? Because my name is Art. That's what I mean.
Of course, we really. I love you so much. God,
I love you too. I did not. I did not
expect this today. You're so special. I've been chosen for
(46:48):
something so special. What what is I put you on
this earth when your baby? Which is a one plan
of something so special? Lord, whatever it is, I'll do it.
So Okay, this is Here's what I mean Jesus really
wanted to do. Okay, he's U. Pick a number, the
(47:11):
twin Mondean and Monday nine Mondo night. Wait, are you
doing a magic drink? I not? This is it's a
special just for you. Okay, okay, important, don't miss this
up number. All right, I got it. It's four. Good
job and the choosing. I hope. Aren't you going to
(47:33):
see a box near you? It sounds like God talking
to you from in the box, and I was wondering,
this is a magic box art, and God is gonna
love you so much if you will have Him and Jesus.
Me um, I'm three of them on the Trinity, Jesus
and the Trinity. Jesus and the Trinity, and also God.
(47:56):
Of course you're two of the three. Don't cut on?
Wuch time art? Can you put in? You see a
code code box on the box? Sure that's pressed the
four press? Just get you just pressed four? All right? Okay,
(48:17):
this is not good art initiated? Who is that? It's
not good words? Not initiated? Was that the Holy Spirit?
The third of the three? I mean that was the
That was the luck of initiating art. This is going
to be Oh, this is hurting my head. I need
(48:38):
a nap in the corner. And you have three guesses
to guess the combination or the box will explode. Oh goodness,
this is fun. This is fun for you. Goodness. Listen
to God, listen to the voice in your heads. I
don't know. I think I should just take a nap
and see if I can dream about what the right
number is? What do you see? What's happened? What's happening?
(49:02):
I'm looking to the air. Dug Right now, I see
I think he's talking to himself. No, no, he's talking
to the box. He's must be talking to Rose talking.
You know, she'sn't there. I don't know. I don't know
if she might be doing the god bit. God is
a god gambit. Good? Where my shoes? I don't wear?
Oar is your shoes hooked? Them off? Are your shoes? Okay?
(49:22):
It's probably easier to go through ven naked though. Right,
I'm having a try. It's talking the road. You're gonna try.
Just put your shop on. God damn it. No, no,
I think he's got a good idea. He can. Everyone
keep your clothes on. Please, look you tune. Ninja's gotta
go down there. Okay, this finally when your skill set's
gonna be used. Right, you're gonna get to the guard
and then say karate ja. Okay, oh no, do the
karate not just say that's what it is. Ninja Ninja,
(49:45):
Ninja ninja. Okay, they're in, they're good, they're walking over.
Oh he's asleep, he's a sleep Okay, this is good.
We were very good, Ninja. I can't believe that. Well,
we can get Rose ninja, can you hear done? Much
time left? Oh? God, she's still How many guesses do
(50:05):
you think we have left on box? How? Three? Okay? Three?
Guess he didn't. Let's try number four? Okay, no turning.
That was turning, not the breed. I forget to say.
You're trying number four is not a good one. We
just is an incorrect guess. We have one guess last,
(50:26):
the box will self destruct? Not because if we are
guessing of two guesses? How many more guesses? Is? What
the guesses? Did he do? Why did you put the
self destruct on the box? He was in case somebody
tried to get him. No, this is horrible. Okay, So
what all the numbers have we pushed so far? I
(50:47):
started with one? Okay, so one in four? The number
A dream about the correct number? Wake? Come up, Wake,
come up? What what? What was the correct number? What
(51:10):
was dream? Ninjas? Here, I'm St. Peter and the look
with god. St. Peter. I've already met many of your
friends today. Goodness, what what number you dream of? I
had a dream about a number? Okay, that Ninja chop
(51:33):
just knocked it right out of What did you? What
did the number look like? Did it have lots of curves.
It had a line and uh so there was a
straight piece of number. So not in the four. It
could be a four, could be a four, one or nine.
We already Oh no, no way, no four, no one.
(51:56):
He's kind it's not What about seven, that's a yes?
It straight? Oh no, So it's like this a real
like number system. It's kind of like the basket on
top of four. Are you sure it's not four? Did
you try for wait, try anything? If we're talking to
(52:18):
me in a box, God, you're in that box. Order
tried one, So it's got to be nine. It's got
to be explore. We should we should step out and
maybe since Garth is chosen, one should press the number
nine while we go outside. That it's not fair. No,
(52:39):
you could press it. I don't think it's very good
supposed to code it. If you're going to press it,
you're going to press it. Those box like implode or explode.
Well it starts with small implosion and then big explosion.
Well these guys good explode. Do you like? Hope? Not so? Art?
Is that your name? Nice name? Tex? Thank you? It's
(53:01):
funny because my uniform says art on it. Twice that's great.
So we're going to walk out room once we've gone close. No,
you're going to press a button, Peter, st Peter, you
have one more gas bush button. It shouldn't be a
big deal. And there, Oh see, that's exactly what' hoping for. Oh,
(53:26):
this is perfect good. I wasn't supposed to doing the chopping.
What do you see? What's going on? Jesus? Because you're
fully nude and what is going on? There? She's got out,
she got out, she got out, she got out of
Let's go. Let's go, sharks, sharks. Do I have the
(53:50):
thing for you? For a hundred a hundred dollars and
two down with four backtrack, with zero deductibles and a
marketing full proof. I guarantee that sales will jump up
a hundred percent with funding. If you have here it
is We have a box right here that will not
only lock itself in, but lock itself out if you
(54:12):
put anything inside this box. It's a perfect safe and
if you don't want anyone to touch it. So far,
sales are good. So far. Sales are numbers A hundred
nine sales number, sales number. Sales numbers are good. So far,
production has been slow it's hard to find the pieces
for the box. But we've sold about twenty to thirty units,
and what do you make per what do we make?
(54:33):
What was it cost to make the box? And what's
the profits? Cost About a thousand dollars to make and
we sell them for about two to Okay, that that
might be one of your first problems right there. I
agree with Ricky. I don't think the math checks out great. No,
it's it's you're you're losing seven hundred dollars per box minimum.
But but that's why we want funding from from when
you start, you said you could guarantee us a hundred
(54:55):
percent marketing full with with funding um. But if you're
selling them for three hundred bucks, we're still losing four
hundred dollars per box. But but if we work together,
I feel like we will be able to bridge that number. Larry,
I think you had a question. Yeah, how did you
get in here? Because we're we're not currently shooting, we're
(55:18):
on our lunch. But I just I have to I
liv and Kievan here who ninjaed their way in Ninja Ninja.
So Sharks, it's up to you if you want to
walk out of here alive with a great deal. Listen,
you do a great job as a as a camera guy.
Thank your show. Uh you know we're on our tenth
year and whatnot. Um and we congratulations to the whole team,
(55:41):
right to us in particularly exactly two. Congratulations to you all.
It takes an aquarium, you know, specifically because the fish
on on display, not the ones behind the camera. But
but we said, would you give you a shot? We
gave it to you. I think you've proven right after
ten years of waiting for this opportunity, you've brought in
something that loses money every time it's sold. Yeah, that's
(56:04):
that's a note from me. And what's what the Russian
guys you don't see us. We fade until background. Let's
talk about that. How to market that? Well? The boxes? Really,
how can we sell these ninjas? The boxes a big
part of it. Well, we came in because we use
box for many different operations that were secreted. We have
(56:25):
great belief in box, secret box, this box, yes, and
what is what do you do? What are the what
are some of the operations? Typically we use it for
human smuggling, but I'm sure anybody can use it for people.
In box you can put statue in box? What does
that cause to hide a person? What can you make
for a person? I'd love to know the turnaround on
(56:45):
that you hear to make millions of dollars depending on
for unit? I know the library that they're going right
at the library is six thousand dollars for a human being?
I'm not that's for twenty years, right, I'm not sure
what it is for life for a Russian? How long
did a person stay in the box? Great? About eighteen hours?
(57:06):
But no, it's not good that you should we keep
him in there. And then for trafficking, there's a very
little pluction. How many boxes do you having made so far? Well,
we've only bought one box. But we believe in this man.
He's very good business man. Why don't you know the
number cost you a thousand dollars bucks? Why don't you
(57:28):
know how many bocks? It's just a rough estiment. You're fired. Yeah,
thank you, Sharks. Has been a pleasure. I'm so sorry
you wouldn't invest in this, But these guys need to stay. Yeah,
we're keeping these guys. What's happening? I love those noises?
Can you can either of you karate trup? Oh? Of
(57:48):
course lets we trained karate chop karate trup. You now
you're saying it, but can you do the physical movement? Wait?
What do you mean? I thought that saying it was enough.
What's the physical move Oh it's just a karate chap? What? Yeah,
you just did it? Never, why don't you demonstrate on
the I hate showing off this. I know you do.
(58:12):
Oh that my brother's color board karate chop? That don't
they're just sang the worst. See how she moved her
hand and arm. That was very rude. I think you
might have broken my brother's color No, it's broken. Alright, fine,
you don't want our services. We're going to get the
funk out of here. Okay, alright, I'm climbing the stack
(58:37):
of quarters. Climbing stack of quarters. Wait a minute, what
is this? Limbo? Many here? Limbo? Brother? How long have
I been here? I'm in a long time. Does this
mean I died in art museum? No, Broly died when
you were finding Philistines, my friend, and then you had
(58:59):
you call bone broke and never heal. Oh man, we understand.
You can get out of a box, though, Oh I can't.
I can get out the box. I can get in
box box will even blow box wi eggs so specific,
it's very specific. Yeah, I still get it though. We're
gonna invest, you know, we need to know what's the
(59:20):
magic behind the Oh god, I gotta pitch this thing again.
What a great, great ending too, yet another wonderful episode.
Thank you all for writing too. Is alchemy this uh
dot com. You're writing to your name here at alchemy
this dot com. That and we would love to use
some of your scenes suggestions right your name here at
(59:44):
alchemy this dot com. Let's go around and thank our alchemists. Uh,
Mark Aguardi joining us for the first time. Thank you.
We'll see about that. And uh tell the folks where
they can find you or follow you or I'm a
at Mark gags on Twitter, and uh, I have a
(01:00:05):
podcast called We Got This with Mark and Hill. Yes,
Hal Lubin, Yeah, yeah, yeah, fantastic, fantastic, fantastic fellow, that guy,
Thank you again for being here, thanks for having me.
But the things that the Dynasty Typewriter Theater is we
started a new year and it's already insane. It's bonkers.
And just before this episode, we just went live with
eleven dates with Hannah Gadsby that's insane. Yeah, yeah, so
(01:00:28):
super excited. Um that starts on February, goes through the
night and the Sandlers coming back. Sandler was here last night.
I'll be here in the next two nights. Well too
late if you're hearing this. Yeah, sorry, guys. It was
great and Mark Marin has decided to residence and amazing,
so much fun. It's been embracing. Congratulations is great popcorn,
(01:00:49):
It will never let you down. Come with the comedy,
stay for the bottle. Yes, exactly, That's what it says
on the website. How do they find it? Dynasty typewriter
dot com. That's correct. She never fails that question. Uh.
Kakowski as in Craig. Yeah, what have you got for us?
At Kikowski on Twitter or at Craigslist peak cast for
the Craigslist podcast to do with my wife Carla. My
wife Carl and I also have an improv duo. You
(01:01:10):
can find us on Twitter at Orange Tucks Improv Nice
for Orange Tuxedo. We'll be going to Copenhagen, Denmark in April, Warsaw,
Poland in June that I cannot wait to hear the
European tour from those two European stops. That's right, I
hope to meet. Yes, will she meet your second family
over there? Uh? I'm sorry, I'm out, have spoken out
(01:01:36):
of turn. James Eney, Well, I got uh if you
check it out on Twitch the real James Ceeney sometimes
I stream video games, so you can find me in
pretty much anything with the real James Ceeney. Alrighty Joey
Greer bring us home at Jeffy Greeber on Instagram and
then February seven at ten pm doing a improv show,
sister check it out where where at? Dinas Yeah, you
(01:02:02):
just looked at let's say, I was like, I think
it's enough audio medium. Let's take our engineer, Doug Bam
right here in the studio. So beautiful. Thank you, Doug
so close to us. He is close. He's closer than
he's ever been. There's always been a plexiglass a wall
(01:02:23):
between us, and now it's nice to see he was
never wearing pants, never was. Thank you also to Sophie Lichterman,
our producer. So please tell everyone you've ever met to
give us a listen, subscribe and write a damn review
if you would, please, Uh once again, right to us
your name here at Alchemy, this dot com. That's our
show for today. Thank you so much and goodbye.
Welcome back to Alchemy this I'm your host, Kevin Pollock,
Yes that Kevin Polo That, Yes, I do think not
including the inspiring Mr Rogers documentary, won't you be my neighbor?
In the Oscar nominations? There is a legit reason the
boycott this year's festivities, But I digress, dear pimps and
pim bats. Over the years, I've seen my fair share
of alchemy. My definition alchemy is quote when a person
(00:24):
or a person's creates something through a seemingly magical process. Well,
one day the idea struck me right between the eyeballs.
What if I brought together the right creative people and
asked them to make stuff up based on my own
twisted ideas, and then I offered a podcast of the
seeming or magical process and I could call it alchemy.
Come back to bed? Damn it? But Peter getting cold? Well,
(00:44):
good peeps and boops. After a bit of titled tinkering,
I'm so very proud to present to you another episode
of Alchemy. Then let's meet our alchemists, shall we? You
know particular, order to say hello to James Eny Jimmy,
Hey Jack? Can I call him? Okay? Go ahead, go ahead.
Can I call your Martha Plumpton? So here's the problem.
I was at sketch Fest and I was like, oh,
I'm in alchemy this and You're like, oh, are you
(01:05):
Larry Nozzle tlister Martha Plumpton? And I'm like, no, James,
he had never heard of them. So I'd really like
to just change. My work is done here, Uh, pull
over and park it. It's Vanessa Ragland Venete. What's your
favorite dessert? And or desert? I like anything that salt
on it perfectly. Well, let's crying time again because Joey
(01:26):
Greer is here. Greer and Barrett. What do you get
when you subtract twenty two from eight thousand, a lesser number?
Put the pot on. It's Mark gag Learts. When you
dream at night? What animals do you talk to? Most?
I talked to other humans, but they're only half humans.
(01:47):
Perfect yeah yeah, yeah, last, but foodie on you if
you think them leaves? It's great, kosk can any buddy Coroboway?
Whatever about the nine? It's one out in Georgia. I
don't respect the question. You had no authority? All correct answers,
(02:12):
all right? Uh? These scenes for today's episode are suggested
by our listener mail. That's my way of pointing fingers. Yeah,
they are, in fact all listener females um. First up, though,
a follow up from a grateful listener whose fan mail
(02:33):
suggestion I read a couple of weeks ago that we
improvise from. That's Whitney Larson, who writes to us, thank you,
dear alchemy, this team for life in the Registrar's office
and for proving once again the higher education is all
about athletics. Sigh seriously. I closed the office briefly and
(02:54):
listened with my assistance and student workers. It broke the tedium.
Well that's why we do this. We broke the tedium
the TV and we all more than giggled more than giggled.
What are we looking for here? No more than giggled
more than giggle. I don't sense of gufa anywhere in
their existence. Always looking forward to what you do next,
(03:16):
best wit, So thank you Whitney Larson for that. Now
we have our first fan mail from the United Kingdom.
That's all we have time for today. Although this listener's
(03:37):
name is Barry King, I'm going to insist that given
his land of origin as well as our general ignorance
of the laws government for foreign brothers and sisters that
we refer to him as King Barry. King Barry wrote us,
good evening, folks, love love, lovely show. It's already horrible.
I thought I would share with you my idea for
(03:57):
seeing The Alchemists are part of a cult, the cult
that ends in a mass suicide pad. He wants us
to die once the deed is done, rather than being
transported to an alien planet or send to Heaven or
indeed take the plunge to Hell. They get stuck in
the limbo and have to try and work what work out,
(04:17):
what unfinished business they have to take care of it? Yeah, yeah,
a lot of backstory. Take what you will. In the meantime,
Satan and God try to persuade each of them. This
is a photo arresting spot. I'm only halfway through the
leg It's a letter even he signed. Yeah you know,
he wrote with a quill. Keep out the good work,
(04:41):
King Barry from england Shire. Alright, so we now take
you to limbo. Uh where souls are lost? Uh? Can
somebody help me find my keys? Can someone help me
find my dog? You have a dog you brought a dog.
I had to leg I don't think they were bringing dogs,
and we don't need legs were Floatus's just like emotional
(05:03):
support bullshit because I don't know. I really I can't.
I just can't. Let's just find my dog and then
we can help you with your problem, and then I
think everyone won't be able to be fine. Why do
you need your keys, Clive so we can drive out
of here? I think we're going to be picked up
by the spaceship if we just have patience. What makes
you still believe that the spaceship is coming? Guys, I
(05:25):
really think that we might have. We might have picked
the wrong horse on this one with Tim. I've got
to say, nobody said that my legs would go missing.
This is a curveball. There's no spaceship. Something else is
up yet, nothing that dear leader told us has come true.
And did you notice that dear leader didn't drink it? No,
he's not here. Where's dear Leader? We don't know he
didn't drink it. I'm sure that he's just making sure
(05:47):
we all made it to this bus stop for the
next bus stop. It's what it kind of is. It's
like a transition, doesn't look like a bus stop to me,
he'll be here soon, and then once he's here, we
could all go together. Any quarters you've got, any quarters? Welcome, Welcome, Welcome.
I've been here for two thousand years years. How do
(06:10):
you know that I know that I read the stars? Well,
that's just another thing that fell off. One of the
other things that fell off. Well, my kneecaf slid down.
My teaso's are gone, which my teaso's sure, all my
hands are gone. How do we leave here? Oh, that's
(06:36):
not a good sign. Here you all have some unfinished
business to take care of that collectively, or like we
each have unfinished business. It looked like you're all wearing
the same kind of robes and Nike sneakers. So we
got duped, but we didn't get Are you still holding
(06:57):
onto this? If, of course I took the tip, will
explain what you think is going on? Because I don't
have legs in a gooey man is telling us we've
unfinished pysics, girl, just lay it out for me. I
think he's a spiritual hitchhiker trying to suck you us
off of us. Speaking of which, can I just clear
the slight real quick? How many of us had sweet
made sweet sweet love to leader? Yoh yeah, I always
(07:20):
made sweet sweet love too by Leader. Okay, I make
you the special. Well, yeah, let's don't keep making a
sweet sweet love. To answer your question, sir, I don't
have any change because we were told not to bring
any baggage into the afterlife, and so I'm certainly not
going to go in the afterlife with loose quarters. Also,
what would you do with quarters? Here? Let stack him up?
(07:41):
Maybe I can climb my way to him, you know,
not having Oh boy, no no no, no no no.
Does that mean it's hell on? No? No no, no,
no no no. You're just gonna say that to every
question I would have been on what it is? Okay?
Is this a bus stop? Again? Have you ever seen
(08:01):
a bus here? The bus here? Uh? Huh? Was it stopping?
Moving fast? Made a marshmallow? So you died two thousand
years ago and you've been stacking up American quarters and
you know what a bus is? What's the third degree
on this? There's more? I think we should step away
(08:25):
from him. He's clearly not with us. How are we
going to get out of here? And where are we going?
I don't know somebody mentioned a marshmallow bus, but I
don't think it's coming. Count on, Hello, I see some
wondering youths. Yes, yes, hello, hello? Maybe ask who you are? You?
(08:46):
Who are you? I am the great nipple? The right's
the great great nipple? Just looks like a giant nipple.
I didn't want to say. Is there a medio? Do
we suckle? Right? That's all of you must suckle? Can't
be right from the top of your head. I mean
(09:08):
it just to just jumped right in there. What is
it told me to suckle? What is it like? What
you find? Great piece? Just water? Guys, I feel like
our malleability has been a problem in the past, and
this guy's just telling us to suckle him, and we're
just saying yes. Why would I say no? I have
no legs. I'm in the middle of a gooey land
(09:30):
with a gooey man. God is here in the first place?
Change immediately? Did you guys also give all of your
life savings? Yeah? Yeah, but what were you going to
use him for a while? Going to a higher place?
And I think it's why he's not here. What's he
going to do with all that junk? You're still on
(09:52):
the is it getting better? Everyone drink from my well,
I don't think so. She's throwing. If you drink from money,
you will meet Nirvana. We'll meet Nirvana. They're here. Dave
Grol was still alive at the time that we died.
Things happen? Man look looking like who want to meet
(10:16):
the Nirvana? I don't know. I don't mean to be
in a hurry of any kind, But how do we
get out of here? Drink from guy? You two is here? Also,
you too is here? They were almost what happened? How
(10:40):
many people drank the koolaid? I mean, I think all
six of us. You're talking metaphorically or literally literally? Well,
I bought in to the belief system, and I also
drank the kolid Okay, but wait, just the six of us,
the hundreds of us in this in this group, are
we the only ones who fell for them? Well, dear
leader told me I was special. I didn't realize told
(11:01):
me five other special people. Yeah, he told me I
was special, was special. He told me I was special
while he made love to me. That's when he told
me while he was making love to him. No, no, no,
well he was making love to me. But he told
me I was the only one, so I thought it
was just gonna be me and him here. But you
guys are cool, hey kids looking to make them love?
Is that what I'm hearing? Oh my god, I heard
(11:27):
one of you look curious about how to get out
of here, and we're supposed to be going up. Nipple
is misdirecting. Don't fall for the nipple game. I mean,
it's a newcomer thing everybody does. Don't feel to be
mad about it. But I've got a way out, really,
except for this one over here says I'm about going up.
(11:48):
We're definitely not going But no, I'm supposed to be
going to a higher place and you're supposed to be
in than there is, and you can add one or
the other supposed to be. He's gonna keep you here.
Wait wait, wait, where wherever we're going is worser better
than where we are now? It's a lot better. This
is this is yeah, whole lot of nothing. And you're
(12:09):
saying it's going in a different direction than up. Yeah,
you keep signaling on an upward fashion. We're pointing down.
We're not going up. Yeah, why are you pointing down?
Because that's where we're here? Is that hell is hell real?
Give it a name. Were already given a name. We
could give it a name, is my point? Are we
(12:30):
going to Debora? I haven't aunt Debora. I love that name.
She loves you, she does love I knew this could
turnaround much better. Nipple too, if I could say so.
I got six of them, six nipples. That's the nipple
for each of it. It turns out that's gonna work out.
Just too good to be true? Well that see, that's
the thing about it, is it. It sounds too good
(12:51):
to be true, and it's not too good to be true.
It's just it's just good true. It's just true. It's
also not true. And you meant to wait what I
just need some paperwork? Sign? You have medals on your chests.
Were you a soldier in the past life? Many many
soldiers and passed through this life. Yes, that's for sure.
(13:15):
So you weren't a soldier. You just stole their medals.
You have been through this before. I don't know how
to break it to you, but this is not your
first trip. Yeah, I mean, I could break it all
down for you individually, or you could just take no
word for break it down individual. What was your name?
Jim Jim. My name is Tim Jim. Yeah, all right,
Jim Jim. So you were a philistine originally philistine? Yeah,
(13:42):
by name a car. Yeah, and uh you died in
a fight? Cool y, Yeah, it was embarrassing for your family.
You didn't fight, well, you were a bit of a coward.
It wasn't even a fight. You were attacked and you
cried and then died. And this was thousands of years ago. Sure,
(14:03):
sure it was all right. Well, do you know you're
a chim Chum. No, I'm not. That's Jim Chum. Names on,
you're a check my record here, you're a filistine. That
(14:24):
was everything. If we all were just so we weren't,
if we all were just, then we can just wrap
that up and then move on to the individuals. Do
we all have the same backstory? The first two philistines?
That's all. It was a coincidence. Okay, just take us
to Tapra. Alright, alright by me? Wait wait wait, wait, wait,
(14:45):
hold on a second, are you the are you the devil?
Are you trying to trick us? Is that what's happening
right here? That name? Okay, are you about another name
is a favorite of mine? So we know that. No,
I'll stay I'll stay here, you stay here in anybody
(15:11):
want to get Yes, yes, the fst beallow bus up
on the bushmallows, the bicest, longest hair. Thank you for
picking us up, No problem. We almost got tricked by
the devil, did you? And you probably did get tricked
(15:32):
by that nipple guy dude, didn't we suck? Yeah, yeah,
he'll do that. And then before that this while our
great leader we were drinking. I mean, it's just been
a crazy I have no idea of time anymore, but
it's been a crazy a little while. So it's so
going to be more so comfortable. Oh sure, sure, sure,
well you know you sitting down, relax, enjoy the marshmallows,
and we'll get you guys to Debora in no time. Debra. Yeah,
(15:54):
this is the bus to Deborah. To tell us more
about Debora. Oh Debora. Yeah, sure, she's a she's a
beautiful place. Yeah, she's a real wonderful, wonderful place, real
hot fires and uh, maybe it's not the same Deborah.
It's going to be a different Oh no, this is
the Debora that is also called Hello. You guys wanted
(16:19):
the bus on the other side of the street. That's
why it's getting where to Oh that bus, That bus
goes to Hank. Oh yeah, Hank Heaven. Well, some folks
call it Heaven, but then we call it that's what
we were calling. Well most most people around here call
it Hank. No, well, there's there's less fires there. Oh sure, sure,
(16:42):
a lot less fire, way more clouds that. Do we
need a transfer to get onto Hank. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna.
I'm gonna need to see I'm gonna need to see
all of your I D s though, and everybody's gonna
have to hold up their keys. Were That's the thing
we weren't allowed to bring anything. Do you have any
American quarters? American American leg I had a complete set
(17:03):
of all the state quarters with the landmarks on the
How long have you been driving the bus to Debora?
Oh gosh, probably since the Philistines got on this thing,
long long time. And why are you still stuck here? Oh?
Oh no, I'm more of a ferryman than than stuck here.
(17:24):
Oh I I go home, go home every night. At
the end of the day, we're supposed to pay the ferryman,
pay the ferry. We don't have any coins. Yes, that's
the thing. Well, we do have song, we have the
gift a song you hold on a second. Yeah, and
we can also make sweet long anymore because we can't
(17:47):
pay for it. Well, that just did that work. I
can't tell you how fond I am of that motion
picture of the Top Gun. And that just made me
think of it. And I'll be daring if I'm not
going to drive you all the hank right now. I
just have one question. Is there a movie night here?
(18:07):
Oh yeah, oh yeah, there's a movie night you get
all the latest pictures from as you said, America. Look,
let's not get to uh, because I feel again we're
being duped. We failed for the kool aid. Some of
you guys drip drink from drank from the nipple. I mean,
how much more are we gonna fall for? How do
you know about top Gun? You've been here since the Philistines?
(18:28):
I mean, what's happening? Well, we get I'm caught, Yes,
what's what do you mean? You're car what are you excited?
Every episode of Colombo, I finally figured something. Yes, this
is hurting us, but you don't want to get duped again.
But then you have figured simping out before the poison.
(18:51):
Don't take the I'm a millennial. Remind me of what
Colombo is. Colombo was a TV show back during phil
Was that a dog on this guy? The cop? The
cops are pulling the bus, so this is goodforcement pull
that bus to the side, alight, alright, pulling over. It
(19:13):
seems to be a problem. I need to see everyone's
and everyone's quarters. Everyone's quarters? We don't have ideas? Are
quarters all? This bus is gonna get under arrest. Get
free to go, bus driver. Thanks later, we're coming the
biggest cups. I'm locking this bus down. No one's coming
in or out of this bus? What what? Why? What
(19:34):
have we done? You don't have your quarters than that?
I mean, come on, really, look, this bus is illegally registered.
Bus's march metal ain't supposed to be on the road,
are we you're Limbo on the way to Deborah and
you're well we were almost on the way to hang
Well the bus is going on. What it looked like
it didn't turn around, now, did it? Man? Limbo cops
are harsh. You'd think they'd be more ambiguous. No, no, no,
(19:55):
we're pretty straightforward about this. The hard line. We got
Limbos the rhythm. We're gonna have to pay for that.
We're gonna have to pay for that. Uh, miss officer, Yeah,
(20:18):
is this what you really want to be doing with
the rest of your life? Talk to me? Good thought
about that? I was created without any genitally and forced
to write lord of this realm and police in the
way that would allow only the right souls to go
where they need to be. And what if we could
promise you a more enlightened can't promise me that? Were
(20:41):
you saying this stuff greatly? Yeah, we can't. We can't
if you give if you give us your worldly possessions
or other worldly let me have that batch things that
you don't actually need to be happy. I want to
make love and just I have no genitali or holes exactly.
(21:01):
That's what problem. We can show you that happiness. Are
you ready? Are you're gonna cut me open or some Yeah? Sure,
that's my name. Give me that limbo stick. Okay, he's
(21:23):
got hold now, Now I got hold? Now quarters gets
the quarters opened like a pinata and spit out quarters.
My god, you're a monster. Maybe you do belong in Deborah.
(21:46):
And there we have King Barry's fantasy come to live
exactly the way he wanted it. Yeah. If that doesn't brexit,
I don't know what will. Uh scene too from Jonah
(22:09):
Bloom or Blum b l u m blum jam. Oh
it is Jonah blamerik Jonah Blom who wrote, Hi, that's
it weird. Hi. I used to be a public librarian bragging,
(22:33):
and I saw all kinds of weird ship. One time
I had to call the police on an elderly gentleman
who lost it because we didn't have any porno DVDs
for borrowing. Not the scene suggestion. I would love to
hear a librarian trying to field people's questions or their
excuses for late fees. The podcast is hysterical. I look
(22:54):
forward to it every Thursday. Parole Board and the therapist
therapists are my favorites. Fantast stick job. Thanks for making
such great, unique content. Best Jonah Blumstein. Can you watch
porn DVDs at the library one of those private PEP
(23:16):
showrooms and they have at the Bourbank Public Library. Let's
go to the library now and find out. This can't
be a correct number. I I turned those those books
in on time. I there must be a mistake in
your system. The system doesn't make you want to take it. Okay.
(23:38):
I just want to check this new book out, and
I don't have any money with me today, so just please,
Oh you can't, sir. The system doesn't make mistakes. I'm
looking at the screen. The screen tells no lies. I mean,
nobody was going to use that book. It's it was
only that, sir. That sounds like an admission of guilt. No,
(23:58):
I'm just saying, even if it was worst case theory
and nobody's gonna how many people read Where the Red
Fern Grocery Stays. It's no old book. A lot of
people read that book. People like to cry to that book.
So you can just march your homie right out of
here and come back with seventeen dollars and seventies six cents.
It's just that that book doesn't even cost that much money.
I could buy three. That's not the way we do
(24:20):
are math here, sir. There's a line. Okay, I'm trying
to finish up with customers. Okay, So sir, you're at two.
Doesn't bode well for the way this is gonna. If
I could just maybe take this book out and then
next time we'll return to Hamburger today and pay it
(24:41):
for that later too. You're embarrassing me. Okay, fine, fine,
I'll come back. We can read it on the bean
bag if you want in the shame corner. Okay, all right,
I will. I want to bring back all these DVDs
and about some came bat and getting some new ones. Okay, Um,
(25:02):
these have scratches on them. What do you mean the discs?
Excuse you everyone, if you need to cough, go outside.
The DVDs are scratched, the disks are damaged. But I
don't think so let's pop on it into what I
mean my co suter doesn't have a disc? Right? Well,
(25:23):
how would you know whether it's actually damaged or not?
Because they can see the scratch. There's cat hair and
a scratch. I might have used one as a coaster.
The point is they weren't all perfect when I got Oh,
I check every disc when it comes in and certain
you want us two hundred dollars two hundred dollars, yes, yeah,
and for a disorderly conduct? But what excuse me? There's
(25:45):
a line for him, and can we move it along? Okay, look,
I'm gonna can I give you a credit card? You
can you can give me a credit card, but I
can't run it. We don't accept cards. What does this mean?
You should watch personal chat? Personal checks are cash? Yes,
and ruined Battlestar Galactica for everyone. Well, if you ruined
(26:07):
it for everyone, yes, but if you look closer, it
says the girls of Battlestar Galactic girls a battles Is
this from our collection? I'm donating it. This is a donation. Yes,
we can't accept this. Well, you can't. It's got a
cat scratch and it's and I don't understand. This is
(26:28):
a born now, mom, Yes, there are children here, Okay,
they shouldn't watch it. Absolutely. You gotta take this porno
and leave. Well, I tell you what, why don't I
leave it? Welcome back, I'm just watch you don't know.
I'm not gonna whoever. I'm still disconnected from my sexual
(26:52):
I wouldn't never do this, Yes, but I'll tell you one.
I'll leave it for a week and let's see if
anybody wants and I'll come back in a week. If
they don't want it, I'll take it. That is that
the girl's a Battlestar Galactica. I'll take it off your hand.
It's not. It's not I can't. I cannot broker that transaction.
Wouldn't meet me in the park because the disc is
in my hand. I will not give it back. I
(27:14):
will not broker the transaction. And I don't watch porno.
You don't need to have an orcasm to be a person.
Just for the record, you can be very sad as
without ever having an orcasm. Somebody's gonna have an orgasm
to make a person at some point. No, you don't,
(27:34):
that's not true. All right, Well, sir, the fellow doesn't
need to come to a conclusion. Though you don't have
to call it what you said. There is the ordcast.
But yeah, I'm putting this girl's a Battlestar Galactica in
the file cabinet. Okay, under yuck? Why what else is
(27:58):
in the yuck file? If you weather donations, we've gotten
such a I don't have to tell you that. Cats
and People it's a five disc collection called Cats and
People and it's despicable. Is it German? It is German
Cats and people. That's one word, cats and people. Oddly enough,
(28:23):
my last name is cats and people, Cats and people.
I'm Heinrich cats and People, and I'm very old. First
of all, let me get that out of My mother
just died, so you can leave filth monger, Mr Cats
and People. I found I found a book that I
was cleaning up my mother's place, and a book that
(28:44):
she had borrowed from the library long long ago. And
I thought I'd be a good samaritan and come and
return it. Oh, well, that's wonderful. We could use more
like you. Here you go, here's here's the book. Five
five dollars. Oh no, I'm just returning the book. That
mother must have had it for years. And she did
(29:05):
have it for years. She had it for seven years. Okay,
as a line farman, we can't see. Can't the feed
just be waived because of what a good story this is.
(29:26):
That's not the way fees work or stories don't. The
fees get capped at a certain point. I think it
capped at six thousand dollars. You would never pay a
cent over six thousand to the public library. Oh, I
see that. That's your policy. Mr cats and People. Keep
it down. Write the check unless you have cash, or
(29:48):
do you want to become property of the public life Maybe, sir,
do you want to become property of the public life,
become properly of the public. You've entered into a contract.
Your mother entered into to it, and when she died,
that contract came under your name. So now you pay
up or you become property in the public library. Please
don't put me in the drawer. Oh honey, you're not
(30:10):
going to fit in the U drawer. We got a
bigger area for you. Am I to understand you are
surrendering yourself to the public library. Mr Cat So I
can't pay the fee, and you will give the y man.
Glad that guy's gone. Have me to you have where
the red fern grows? Oh funny, you should mention that. Yeah,
(30:34):
it is. Most people cry to It's very sad, but
it is. Unfortunately we don't have a copy of this library.
I can put in for an order from another branch
and we can get it here in about eight weeks.
Eight weeks. Well, my book report is due a lot
sooner than that. Quick point. Yeah, um, do you have
(30:56):
any um? Give those so it? You can't smoke pipe
in here? Sorry? Can can I smoke a cigar in here?
You can hold a cigar and gesture, but you can't
light it. Okay, that's that's fine. Can I smoke this
hooka in here? No? You can? You can display the hookah,
I can display them. Yes, you can load the hookah,
(31:17):
you can feel them. Let me load up this hooka,
display it all right? Here, here's my hookah. There you
go within reason? All right? If you don't have where
the red fern grows? Do you have that? You have
cats and people disc? Four? I'm sorry? Do you have
cats and people? Disc for? It's not an artificial collection,
(31:42):
but is it in your young drawer? I can't say
that on the record, sir. Oh no, I don't need
the record. I need the DVD. I can't broker that
transaction with your library card. Well how about how about
with this this stick of gum that's in my pocket?
(32:03):
Not enough? Okay, the whole pack? Then more? Jeez? Alright,
give hers alright, there's a law in form in here?
Oh sorry, al right, Here, here's forty bucks and and
my hookah. Thank you? How you doing? I'm having a day? Hey,
(32:25):
if I'm being honest, allowed to donate blood? Um? We
don't have a blood drive here, sir? Already punctured it. Yea, yeah,
we don't. We don't have a way to collect that sir,
we don't have a way to collect that. I'll take
that water bottle by you can, I can. I take
(32:47):
out some cigarettes, but you can't like them. And sir,
you were gushing in the public. It's okay, okay, it's okay.
As long as I got my feet, I'm fine. I'll
take some cigarettes and get your feet. As long as
you've got your feet. I got my feet. I'm okay.
Help help, help, help, help help, um you know, I
(33:08):
just I need to tap out him my shift right now. Okay,
I'll follow you to the parking Please don't bleeding man,
bleeding man? Okay, where did you get the cigarettes? Where
do I keep the cigarettes? Yes, I'm trading blood for cigarettes. No, no,
where did you get this information. There's a public bank.
This is a library. This is a public library, not
(33:31):
a blood drive. This is not a blood bank. This
has nothing to do with cigarettes. You can dislike them,
but you can't light them. Okay, I'm gonna take a sleep.
Oh I'm gonna sleep here is that? Okay, go on
the bean bag. I'm sitting here. You can't just I'm sorry.
I know I'm using this to he's bleeding and dying
(33:51):
on you. Well, then let me have my feedback. Hey,
is that where the red fern grows? I'm not turning
it in. I'm not ready to turn it in, sir.
They want me to pay an overdue fee. Oh, six
thousand dollars, No, seventeen dollars. That's nothing. Pay the fee,
give me the book. I don't have any money. And
this guy's bleeding all over the books. How it's ruined? Anyways,
(34:15):
go outside and smoked my pipe. And that was one
of the craziest days we've ever had at this library.
And I've been a captive here ever since. Your kids
have any questions, we have a question? Yeah, Well, when
you said that you were part of the navy and
that you were promoted because of valor? Is valor because
of time? Is valor because of time? I thought that
(34:38):
what I wanted to know you also wanted to know
is val because of Well, uh, that really wasn't that
I mentioned off handedly at the beginning of the story
that I served in the Navy. Why The main point
was that I was taken captain by this library twins
(35:00):
twenty years ago, when I was already very elderly, and
I've been kept here as a resource ever since? Is
a source of or a product of? We don't know.
This isn't a story about Valor? Store store? Where can
we come on purchase Valor? Can you purchase valid? Oh?
Does it live in your heart? It's got to live
(35:21):
in your heart. That's a good point. Any other any
other questions? I have a question? Okay, is it about Valor?
All right? What? What is it? Understand? Any her military
grows in any country. Development of the Navy in the
American military system. At what point do you think it
became as strong as the United Kingdoms Navy? That was
(35:45):
also my follow up question. Oh Jesus, I I don't
know the answer to that question. Do you think it? Look? Uh?
Let me send you to h to the the eight
hundred section of nonfiction and that will you can learn
about world history there and the United Kingdom the same,
but you're different. Wales is part of the United Kingdom,
(36:10):
I believe is do you think wex it's gonna make
a big difference in the split between Northern Ireland and
wed Yo Ireland? What is what is up with that
speech impediment? Kid? I've been made fun of it from
a whole wife. You have a wife? Oh, my Oh, okay,
I get it. Oh, Mr Cats and people, please sit
(36:31):
down in the chair. All right, you have been making
fun of children. I have never been making You made
fun of a child's speech impediment just today. Look, I'm
here at the library. Is a resource. You are owned
by the library. And until I work off my fee,
haven't I How what am I at now? Well that's
(36:51):
why I brought you intoday. You've worked off your fee.
But the world's changed, Cats and pull, the world's changed.
I don't think you even want to go out there?
Well I do. I do. I need to see the
rest of my family. Then they didn't come to visit
me once. No, they didn't. They didn't. And do you
know where your family is now? Me? Neither. We'll find
(37:16):
him twenty years later. It's crazy. But here's your paperwork
right here. You sign it. You can walk out those
doors a free man. What's the catch? There's no catch.
We don't want your raggedy yes old man talking ship
the little children about their lisp. So we're gonna let
you go sign the papers and walk out the door
(37:37):
and never come back. All right, I'll sign the papers
and I'll take my girls a Battlestar Galactica DVD that
I was promised so many years ago in the yuck drawer. Yes,
I'll try to find it right away. Is that your property?
I don't see that it is my property. It was
(37:59):
never properly, but it should be right there in the ductura. God,
I haven't looked at the ductor in a long time. Well,
we'll do our best right now. I'll ever since that
librarian died a horrible death, another one of the crazy
stories here at the library. Did you die that? That's
not a very good story for you. Well, it was horrible.
(38:25):
It was shortly thereafter that bloody man came into the library.
I think you're gonna sleep here. I'm sleep here, Okay.
I don't know if this sleep or death? Is this
sleep or death? It's slef sleft. You can't bleed on
the books or the Can someone help me? Can someone
(38:51):
help me? I am not trained for this. Can someone
help me? What do you There's a man dye over here,
and there's no one at my post at the desk,
and I don't know what to do in the phone,
and you look after the dead guy? Oh no, opposite, Please,
you want me to look after it dead guy. I
mean I'll call the police. That's that's what I would
love to do. Yeah, oh, do you have a phone? Yeah?
(39:15):
Officers sold fox done. Oh let me drag him out
of here. Hey, sorry about your immin horrible death. Lady,
pardon me, officer, officer, pardon me. Bump bump, bump, bump.
Don't don't don't. You're a limbo. Limbo. I've heard the
(39:41):
music and I knew it. Damn it, cure lady. I
don't want to suckle at it tastes like that nipple.
I know I sucked on your earlier. Hey there, Oh,
(40:06):
we got time for just one more. It's been a
long weekend from Jonathan Brutch, who wrote recently discovered the
podcast thanks to forceful marketing tactics and decided team is affective.
Finally the armed people have showed up at your door
(40:28):
uh and decided to give into our advertising overlords. It
is Sue many osan superb Vanessa Raglan almost caused me
to have a car accident due to laughing so hard.
Singled you out, sary, single out anyway. I have a
(40:49):
suggestion or two, and then he only gave one. Um,
I would love to hear a scene based off of
the TV show Shark Tank or an art gallery theft.
Oh so we did give to a crack shot team
of art thieves break into a large art gallery and
(41:12):
then what presented to Shark Tank. I don't know who
doesn't love a good heist. That is all for now,
keep up the great work. Uh, And that, of course
is from Jonathan Brutch. So let's let's go to an
art museum after hours and see what happens there. I
need an extra pair of gloves. He's got the gloves
(41:33):
I do right here. Okay, were told they'll bring our
own gloves. I understand your game. Just need I forgot.
I have an extra pair to take you there. Whoa, oh,
I guess it's nobody. I thought I sword Ninja sounds. Hey, guys,
are you still in the box? If someone wants to
(41:53):
open the box? Kiev, Kiev, Why do you make those noises?
Why do you make then nine noises? Don't make any noise?
Just go flat against the wall. Also, you're doing it
with your mouth man. Yeah, just don't make any noises.
I mean, if you fold the guard we trained that
is how you hide from guard. Yeah, but that's exactly
what the guard is listening for. No kid, you stop
(42:16):
making any noises stopping if someone go open the box,
So like I fold myself. You know, let's just open
the box because it's not for already. Hose comes out
of the box and we get close to the statue.
Okay here, you know that's the plan. But I feel like,
why are we not going by the place and the
one person folding into a box? But you know that
(42:39):
was gonna happen if you didn't bring clubs. Stop making
over shut the fun mands. I don't know where. Let's
just be in my head that was not shot. Why
would you make those sounds making girls selves our authentic ninjaself?
(43:02):
Just make them when we're being looked at or or
or yelled at. Look you are your kiv. Yes, you'll
get your kia. Okay, you know what those are? Authentic
ninja sounds. It sounds like a train does keep out
of the box. Please you want Rose? Kick get up on? Okay, fine, Rose,
if you if you cut the box, you got to
get back in the box. You understand that. I of
(43:22):
course I understand how to get take in the box.
If I keep out the box. When someone has to
take the lid off so I can get out of
the box. Unlock the un please, ye okay, here you
go and it enters your box. Open the box is
not open. It's opening your mon, you're the best code
cracker around. We've set the code all right down, the
(43:47):
code making digits to no one guess and it's only one.
The guy likes to give himself a challenge. But inside
the box he has a fine am out of oxygen
in that box. So I'm sorry. When did this gang
that couldn't shoot straight? Thing happen? Back at the hide out?
(44:10):
We it was all planned out. It was step by step.
You were going to put the code and she was
gonna get in the box. You're gonna let her out.
I'll be honest, And when I get out, that can
kind of beam. I can get the art. I can
go back in the box. But I can do that
in here. And as Gregor has pointed out, there's the
ocydn't start to get Rose does everything. That was the plan.
The four of us get the box here and we
(44:32):
let her out. She does it all. Where did my
gloves go? What did you do with the How do
I lose the glove? The clothes. You just hands. What's
going on? That's ninja ninja. That's weird ninja ninja. I
wonder what this box is doing here? Uh, maybe I'll
(44:54):
just take this box down the storage. Oh no, oh fun,
we lost Rose. I think she'll be okay. We just
need to get We just need to get inside the
(45:14):
story unit of this museum, and that's far the box
will be. We don't have in the meantime. What's the code?
It's one digit, that's all I know. It's one digit.
And if you try zero to nine and one of
those zero to nine, there's only ten percent chance that
you get wrong. You said ninja that time, you said
a couple of times. Maybe you just heard it because
(45:36):
I was such a thing. Next time, we're almost caught.
Why don't you say karate chop like that? Don't tell
him that. Don't tell him that. No, don't do that. Wait,
where's your shirtcoll Where did your shirt go? Lose shirt?
Don't get thing progressively more nude. We gotta get inside
the story carry Look, Rose is the only one strong
(45:56):
enough to carry the statue. That's why she was in
the box. That's box. Okay, she's going to carry the
statue into the box. We're going to take the box.
We gotta get to that box. Okay, okay, storage unit.
You're my only friend. It's me and smart looking at
the world, thinking about the castle. It's me, God, what
(46:24):
it's me? God, God, it's me Art. Hello, Art Man,
I love you so much. What do you mean you
love art? Because my name is Art. That's what I mean.
Of course, we really. I love you so much. God,
I love you too. I did not. I did not
expect this today. You're so special. I've been chosen for
(46:48):
something so special. What what is I put you on
this earth when your baby? Which is a one plan
of something so special? Lord, whatever it is, I'll do it.
So Okay, this is Here's what I mean Jesus really
wanted to do. Okay, he's U. Pick a number, the
(47:11):
twin Mondean and Monday nine Mondo night. Wait, are you
doing a magic drink? I not? This is it's a
special just for you. Okay, okay, important, don't miss this
up number. All right, I got it. It's four. Good
job and the choosing. I hope. Aren't you going to
(47:33):
see a box near you? It sounds like God talking
to you from in the box, and I was wondering,
this is a magic box art, and God is gonna
love you so much if you will have Him and Jesus.
Me um, I'm three of them on the Trinity, Jesus
and the Trinity. Jesus and the Trinity, and also God.
(47:56):
Of course you're two of the three. Don't cut on?
Wuch time art? Can you put in? You see a
code code box on the box? Sure that's pressed the
four press? Just get you just pressed four? All right? Okay,
(48:17):
this is not good art initiated? Who is that? It's
not good words? Not initiated? Was that the Holy Spirit?
The third of the three? I mean that was the
That was the luck of initiating art. This is going
to be Oh, this is hurting my head. I need
(48:38):
a nap in the corner. And you have three guesses
to guess the combination or the box will explode. Oh goodness,
this is fun. This is fun for you. Goodness. Listen
to God, listen to the voice in your heads. I
don't know. I think I should just take a nap
and see if I can dream about what the right
number is? What do you see? What's happened? What's happening?
(49:02):
I'm looking to the air. Dug Right now, I see
I think he's talking to himself. No, no, he's talking
to the box. He's must be talking to Rose talking.
You know, she'sn't there. I don't know. I don't know
if she might be doing the god bit. God is
a god gambit. Good? Where my shoes? I don't wear?
Oar is your shoes hooked? Them off? Are your shoes? Okay?
(49:22):
It's probably easier to go through ven naked though. Right,
I'm having a try. It's talking the road. You're gonna try.
Just put your shop on. God damn it. No, no,
I think he's got a good idea. He can. Everyone
keep your clothes on. Please, look you tune. Ninja's gotta
go down there. Okay, this finally when your skill set's
gonna be used. Right, you're gonna get to the guard
and then say karate ja. Okay, oh no, do the
karate not just say that's what it is. Ninja Ninja,
(49:45):
Ninja ninja. Okay, they're in, they're good, they're walking over.
Oh he's asleep, he's a sleep Okay, this is good.
We were very good, Ninja. I can't believe that. Well,
we can get Rose ninja, can you hear done? Much
time left? Oh? God, she's still How many guesses do
(50:05):
you think we have left on box? How? Three? Okay? Three?
Guess he didn't. Let's try number four? Okay, no turning.
That was turning, not the breed. I forget to say.
You're trying number four is not a good one. We
just is an incorrect guess. We have one guess last,
(50:26):
the box will self destruct? Not because if we are
guessing of two guesses? How many more guesses? Is? What
the guesses? Did he do? Why did you put the
self destruct on the box? He was in case somebody
tried to get him. No, this is horrible. Okay, So
what all the numbers have we pushed so far? I
(50:47):
started with one? Okay, so one in four? The number
A dream about the correct number? Wake? Come up, Wake,
come up? What what? What was the correct number? What
(51:10):
was dream? Ninjas? Here, I'm St. Peter and the look
with god. St. Peter. I've already met many of your
friends today. Goodness, what what number you dream of? I
had a dream about a number? Okay, that Ninja chop
(51:33):
just knocked it right out of What did you? What
did the number look like? Did it have lots of curves.
It had a line and uh so there was a
straight piece of number. So not in the four. It
could be a four, could be a four, one or nine.
We already Oh no, no way, no four, no one.
(51:56):
He's kind it's not What about seven, that's a yes?
It straight? Oh no, So it's like this a real
like number system. It's kind of like the basket on
top of four. Are you sure it's not four? Did
you try for wait, try anything? If we're talking to
(52:18):
me in a box, God, you're in that box. Order
tried one, So it's got to be nine. It's got
to be explore. We should we should step out and
maybe since Garth is chosen, one should press the number
nine while we go outside. That it's not fair. No,
(52:39):
you could press it. I don't think it's very good
supposed to code it. If you're going to press it,
you're going to press it. Those box like implode or explode.
Well it starts with small implosion and then big explosion.
Well these guys good explode. Do you like? Hope? Not so? Art?
Is that your name? Nice name? Tex? Thank you? It's
(53:01):
funny because my uniform says art on it. Twice that's great.
So we're going to walk out room once we've gone close. No,
you're going to press a button, Peter, st Peter, you
have one more gas bush button. It shouldn't be a
big deal. And there, Oh see, that's exactly what' hoping for. Oh,
(53:26):
this is perfect good. I wasn't supposed to doing the chopping.
What do you see? What's going on? Jesus? Because you're
fully nude and what is going on? There? She's got out,
she got out, she got out, she got out of
Let's go. Let's go, sharks, sharks. Do I have the
(53:50):
thing for you? For a hundred a hundred dollars and
two down with four backtrack, with zero deductibles and a
marketing full proof. I guarantee that sales will jump up
a hundred percent with funding. If you have here it
is We have a box right here that will not
only lock itself in, but lock itself out if you
(54:12):
put anything inside this box. It's a perfect safe and
if you don't want anyone to touch it. So far,
sales are good. So far. Sales are numbers A hundred
nine sales number, sales number. Sales numbers are good. So far,
production has been slow it's hard to find the pieces
for the box. But we've sold about twenty to thirty units,
and what do you make per what do we make?
(54:33):
What was it cost to make the box? And what's
the profits? Cost About a thousand dollars to make and
we sell them for about two to Okay, that that
might be one of your first problems right there. I
agree with Ricky. I don't think the math checks out great. No,
it's it's you're you're losing seven hundred dollars per box minimum.
But but that's why we want funding from from when
you start, you said you could guarantee us a hundred
(54:55):
percent marketing full with with funding um. But if you're
selling them for three hundred bucks, we're still losing four
hundred dollars per box. But but if we work together,
I feel like we will be able to bridge that number. Larry,
I think you had a question. Yeah, how did you
get in here? Because we're we're not currently shooting, we're
(55:18):
on our lunch. But I just I have to I
liv and Kievan here who ninjaed their way in Ninja Ninja.
So Sharks, it's up to you if you want to
walk out of here alive with a great deal. Listen,
you do a great job as a as a camera guy.
Thank your show. Uh you know we're on our tenth
year and whatnot. Um and we congratulations to the whole team,
(55:41):
right to us in particularly exactly two. Congratulations to you all.
It takes an aquarium, you know, specifically because the fish
on on display, not the ones behind the camera. But
but we said, would you give you a shot? We
gave it to you. I think you've proven right after
ten years of waiting for this opportunity, you've brought in
something that loses money every time it's sold. Yeah, that's
(56:04):
that's a note from me. And what's what the Russian
guys you don't see us. We fade until background. Let's
talk about that. How to market that? Well? The boxes? Really,
how can we sell these ninjas? The boxes a big
part of it. Well, we came in because we use
box for many different operations that were secreted. We have
(56:25):
great belief in box, secret box, this box, yes, and
what is what do you do? What are the what
are some of the operations? Typically we use it for
human smuggling, but I'm sure anybody can use it for people.
In box you can put statue in box? What does
that cause to hide a person? What can you make
for a person? I'd love to know the turnaround on
(56:45):
that you hear to make millions of dollars depending on
for unit? I know the library that they're going right
at the library is six thousand dollars for a human being?
I'm not that's for twenty years, right, I'm not sure
what it is for life for a Russian? How long
did a person stay in the box? Great? About eighteen hours?
(57:06):
But no, it's not good that you should we keep
him in there. And then for trafficking, there's a very
little pluction. How many boxes do you having made so far? Well,
we've only bought one box. But we believe in this man.
He's very good business man. Why don't you know the
number cost you a thousand dollars bucks? Why don't you
(57:28):
know how many bocks? It's just a rough estiment. You're fired. Yeah,
thank you, Sharks. Has been a pleasure. I'm so sorry
you wouldn't invest in this, But these guys need to stay. Yeah,
we're keeping these guys. What's happening? I love those noises?
Can you can either of you karate trup? Oh? Of
(57:48):
course lets we trained karate chop karate trup. You now
you're saying it, but can you do the physical movement? Wait?
What do you mean? I thought that saying it was enough.
What's the physical move Oh it's just a karate chap? What? Yeah,
you just did it? Never, why don't you demonstrate on
the I hate showing off this. I know you do.
(58:12):
Oh that my brother's color board karate chop? That don't
they're just sang the worst. See how she moved her
hand and arm. That was very rude. I think you
might have broken my brother's color No, it's broken. Alright, fine,
you don't want our services. We're going to get the
funk out of here. Okay, alright, I'm climbing the stack
(58:37):
of quarters. Climbing stack of quarters. Wait a minute, what
is this? Limbo? Many here? Limbo? Brother? How long have
I been here? I'm in a long time. Does this
mean I died in art museum? No, Broly died when
you were finding Philistines, my friend, and then you had
(58:59):
you call bone broke and never heal. Oh man, we understand.
You can get out of a box, though, Oh I can't.
I can get out the box. I can get in
box box will even blow box wi eggs so specific,
it's very specific. Yeah, I still get it though. We're
gonna invest, you know, we need to know what's the
(59:20):
magic behind the Oh god, I gotta pitch this thing again.
What a great, great ending too, yet another wonderful episode.
Thank you all for writing too. Is alchemy this uh
dot com. You're writing to your name here at alchemy
this dot com. That and we would love to use
some of your scenes suggestions right your name here at
(59:44):
alchemy this dot com. Let's go around and thank our alchemists. Uh,
Mark Aguardi joining us for the first time. Thank you.
We'll see about that. And uh tell the folks where
they can find you or follow you or I'm a
at Mark gags on Twitter, and uh, I have a
(01:00:05):
podcast called We Got This with Mark and Hill. Yes,
Hal Lubin, Yeah, yeah, yeah, fantastic, fantastic, fantastic fellow, that guy,
Thank you again for being here, thanks for having me.
But the things that the Dynasty Typewriter Theater is we
started a new year and it's already insane. It's bonkers.
And just before this episode, we just went live with
eleven dates with Hannah Gadsby that's insane. Yeah, yeah, so
(01:00:28):
super excited. Um that starts on February, goes through the
night and the Sandlers coming back. Sandler was here last night.
I'll be here in the next two nights. Well too
late if you're hearing this. Yeah, sorry, guys. It was
great and Mark Marin has decided to residence and amazing,
so much fun. It's been embracing. Congratulations is great popcorn,
(01:00:49):
It will never let you down. Come with the comedy,
stay for the bottle. Yes, exactly, That's what it says
on the website. How do they find it? Dynasty typewriter
dot com. That's correct. She never fails that question. Uh.
Kakowski as in Craig. Yeah, what have you got for us?
At Kikowski on Twitter or at Craigslist peak cast for
the Craigslist podcast to do with my wife Carla. My
wife Carl and I also have an improv duo. You
(01:01:10):
can find us on Twitter at Orange Tucks Improv Nice
for Orange Tuxedo. We'll be going to Copenhagen, Denmark in April, Warsaw,
Poland in June that I cannot wait to hear the
European tour from those two European stops. That's right, I
hope to meet. Yes, will she meet your second family
over there? Uh? I'm sorry, I'm out, have spoken out
(01:01:36):
of turn. James Eney, Well, I got uh if you
check it out on Twitch the real James Ceeney sometimes
I stream video games, so you can find me in
pretty much anything with the real James Ceeney. Alrighty Joey
Greer bring us home at Jeffy Greeber on Instagram and
then February seven at ten pm doing a improv show,
sister check it out where where at? Dinas Yeah, you
(01:02:02):
just looked at let's say, I was like, I think
it's enough audio medium. Let's take our engineer, Doug Bam
right here in the studio. So beautiful. Thank you, Doug
so close to us. He is close. He's closer than
he's ever been. There's always been a plexiglass a wall
(01:02:23):
between us, and now it's nice to see he was
never wearing pants, never was. Thank you also to Sophie Lichterman,
our producer. So please tell everyone you've ever met to
give us a listen, subscribe and write a damn review
if you would, please, Uh once again, right to us
your name here at Alchemy, this dot com. That's our
show for today. Thank you so much and goodbye.
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.