Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode Oh Alchemy. This on your
host Kevin podcast that Kevin polls. Well, when you're old enough,
ask your mom to explain why we didn't bring you
a brother and a sister. And if you can remember,
to ask her why did she have Dad's balls sniffed?
But I Diguesslcolm, I'm not written in by fans particular order.
(00:34):
Please say hello to but asked a Ragman niche did
you attend the drive in theater growing up? And if so,
please share one story about that. I did not. Thank
you really never went to a drive in movie forever.
Let's give that question to James. Then. Wow, Well I
went many times to the drive in theater because my
(00:55):
family would find that you could bring a lot of
people in one car. The problem was the speakers were
so terrible that you don't know. Maybe other people could
tune their car into it. Eventually you could. That's not
how it was when I was a kid. We all
tried to hear, but people's breathing would be over it.
I'm much older, so they had people from regional theater
stand outside your car and act out before radio. Yeah,
(01:20):
that's that's not real. That's not real. I don't know,
so I'm gonna go to Venetia with James's question when
training a pet, what's your first rule to follow love?
That was completely correct, And James, this week your nickname
(01:42):
that we won't get to was James Franco Harrison Ford
Franco Harris for that's a great one. Sorry, sweet stop
the world he wants to get off. It's Joey Greer,
Joseph Joseph and Greer. What's it like when you wake
up with the clouds parts so the sun can kiss
you good morning? It burns? Thank you for that? And
(02:03):
last today, but certainly not least in the big shoes
to fill departments. Say hello to Craig Kikowski. How many
slices of pizza do you think you've had in your lifetime?
Would you be surprised if I told you it's definitely
over seven thousand. I would not be surprised. I rarely
(02:25):
eat anymore pizza, right, I just can't. But back in
the day, back in the day, like I would be
ordering a pizza maybe five times a week, Yeah, by
myself in Chicago. You got to get the deep dish.
But there's so many choices you can get a different
pizza every day, Unties, pizzeria, no pizzeria dose. I knew
(02:55):
I picked. I knew I picked the right person for
that question. All right, let's get your our first in shall.
All of today's scene suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails.
If you'd like to submit yours, please write to the
podcast at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. In fact,
our first scene comes from listener Ben, who wrote, good
(03:16):
morning Alchemists. I'll start as folks often due by declaring
my love for Vanessa. It's stunning. But also I want
to shout out my Polish dad Craig for all the
killer Polish references. You complete me both of them. Yeah.
(03:38):
My scene suggestion blade Runner, but instead of hunting replicants,
you're hunting cut code, knife, salesman or other marketing scheme items.
Thank you, Benn, ps free Chris Alvarado, Well, I should
mention Chris Alvarado's off Broadway play just will complete as
(03:59):
we're recording this Sunday, and he will rejoin as early
as next week. I wonder if he got taller. Here's
hoping taller and those eyes alight. Alright, alright, let me
do the interview, yes please, okay, sure, So just tell
me what the image you see and how you feel? Okay,
(04:20):
let him Let him answer that, honey, but let him
answer that. Why n I need help? Look, it's a cat. Okay.
Uh So what do I see? And how do you feel?
I see a cat and I feel agitated? Yeah, dilation normal,
raising temperature, next image. Oh yeah, let him Let him
(04:45):
say that. Oh, that wasn't related to the image. I
was talking about something. Every now and then she'll just
say turtle or it's a turtle. But in this case,
it's weird because it doesn't what I'm gonna go with
the fucking turtle. Okay. M hmm. Now you were working
off planet on a mining vessel looking for steel for
(05:06):
the yes, for the knives. Yes, okay, I was on planet.
You were on planet. I was on planet. He was
off planet. The time apart wasn't working for us. We're
so glad to be back together. That's also true. Take off, clut.
Take a look at this image, Tim, What do you
think it's a cape? That's a cape? M yeah, it's
(05:28):
a cape of some kind. Are you sure? Are you.
It's not a cape I would wear, but it's a cape.
And how do you feel annoyed? Hm? Okay, Now it
says here you were part of a paramilitary organization. Well,
he was part of it. I was not. She was
on planet. I was on planet, non paramilitary, holding down
(05:51):
the home front with the turtle. I uh, yes, yes
to your question. To my question, which was paramilitary. You
were part of a paramilitary group. Yes, we weren't organize
that part you You said organization in the kid, deary.
(06:20):
I don't know why I do it every time. Dang it.
I think something's happening in the security room. Well, Deckard's
conducting another one of his interviews. It looks like he's
choking on some things, so he's trying to help him.
That guy can handle himself. I don't know what doesn't
look like he's tough. Well, right, I guess you're probably right.
(06:41):
If we interviewed, he'd get angry at us. We should
just turn this off now. Coffee coffee, than you're welcome,
boison coffee. You'd like to drink boys and coffee? Sip SIPs?
Did you say poison coffee? I said coffee. There's a
(07:04):
lot of people getting sick with that space thing. And
I don't know if I want to drink anything that
sounds like poison coffee. Why would poison coffee? She was
singing the poison coffee song. I thought. I thought she
said boys and coffin poison coffee. I said, poison. Then
you guys both drink first, and then I'll drink. I
gotta ask you something, okay, yeah? Anything? Are you a
cutcode nice salesperson? Come on, you gotta tell me if
(07:28):
you are? You really do yes, I am all right.
Don't drink the coffee. If you don't drink the coffee.
If you eat, drink about the right now. I'm not
drinking drinking. I have a breach in sector three. Breach
(07:51):
in sector three? Which one is sector three? Doing my
maps are apt? Oh no, yeah, that's the one straight
ahead and a little to the left, sector three. If
you could check on that first, please? You want me
to check on that? Yeah, that's why I called you.
I'd rather have Tad check on that. Ted still with us.
That's probably an error cleric. Okay, I'll go check it out.
(08:14):
I mean, if you want to ask, why don't you
check it out? Because I'm still careing that. Why don't
you both check it out? Jesus Christ, it doesn't We
don't need to have a lot to paint about it. Ted,
what why are you agitated this morning? Hear you? Guys pickering?
Just go check you should check it out. I'm supposed
to be manning the screen. Screens are messed up. I'm
(08:34):
not going to picture Sector three if you would. Alright, alright,
thanks so much. Handle this. This is bulls, your bullshit, Tad,
all right, no come back, No, I'm just gonna do it.
It's it's the last effort for me to just go
and check it Sector three. There, Dad, you know I'm
(08:56):
already going. You're not the boss of me anyways. Yours
a pistol lny I guess yeah, Mr Cutko. There seems
to be an issue with some of the replicants. What
is the issue with the replicants? Some off planets replicants
have broken to our system and a selling knives on
(09:22):
that's what they're programmed to do, sell knives. But these
knives of protocol there, they're their own, They've made their
own knives. Then the singularity is taken over exactly as
I hope your cat it's not a cat. Oh, it's
a replicate. How my friend? Oh hello, what are you
(09:54):
selling today? Knives? Nives? Why don't you come inside? It's
a knife salesman. It's a knife. What's your name? It's Larry.
He's a knife salesman. Do you want me? I think so.
Put some meat on, Larry, get in here. Who's that
in there with you? That's my wife. I mean we're
(10:16):
just a Midwest couple, pretty normal. Come on, and did
you ask her to put some meat on? Yeah, you
said you were coming in right. I can't cut this meat,
It's fine, just tear it in half. Well, get some
knife choices. Well that's a great idea. Larry, come inside
all the way the threshold. Could I take my shoes off?
Don't bother? Oh, I'll just close this behind you. Honey,
(10:38):
my hands are slapping. I can't. Don't worry. I think
Larry's got a solution for you. What do you think
of this? Bad boy? Oh my god, Larry, that's a
wonderful knife. Could you go bring that to my wife?
She's tearing meat right now. I'd love to bring it
to your wife where she's in the kitchen. Follow me,
all excuse me a game. Hello, could you use this?
(11:03):
Oh my god, yes I could. Oh my god. It's
a perfect starting price of seven forty nine a week,
and this could a week a week? Why would it
be a week? We want to keep. You just want
to buy it now? Oh you want the one payment price?
Huh okay, honey, I just want to do the one
(11:23):
payment price with you. I don't want to have a
responsibility to remember check every week to send out where
how much is it? One time? Is a bit big?
The number sounds a bit big. Well, we can handle it.
Seventy one. Let's just do it. It's just one dollars
for a night? Why not? Because that's how many weeks?
Is that? That's seventy weeks? Weeks? Seventy one weeks. Honestly,
(11:47):
it sounds like a steel Let's do how much in
the set? The whole set? One big price for nuts. Well,
there's only four nights. Let's just get them all then
seventy one each. There's probably a count where for sevenyone.
That does sound like something we want. We want to
pay for you to separately, don't we hunt in your nose? No,
(12:09):
I think we should get the bulk bundle honestly, maybe
we should get a punch. I think I could. This
could be the solution to my lost job. I could sell.
Let's go get the door. I just let myself in, sloppy.
I thought I smelled me next door? Did you? Yeah?
Well you got some raw meat out here, and we're
just amazing that. Thank you. You look a night. Do
(12:33):
you have abs now a little bit? Well? Maybe that
space virus doesn't hurt everybody. These are some nice Larry
was just selling us. Are you My name is Larry Dan.
He's funny us. What you do? Larry? Comeable? Silver? Watch out? Now?
(12:56):
What part of cut Core are you with? Are you
with the mining and distribute? Shouldn't life the sector? Oh yeah,
just so you don't mind it. You don't. You're not
part of the military. I'm on the field, sullen, nice,
not salesman like you must be awful rich rich? Yeah, funny,
(13:19):
Oh yes, yes I do know with joke. I'm sorry too,
kind of talk you for a second. Yes, sure, Wait,
you don't lose a Messlet cut your head off with
one of these. Your husband just passed, so this is sick.
I'm going through something. I understand that. But you can't
just be hitting on people like that. Just leave me
time to read. Larry, her husband just passed. I think
(13:41):
you might have a chance with her. She'd catch you.
Sure could cut the tension in here with a knough.
I know. Well the thing is is I think right there,
Well that is pretty good. Yeah, that is pretty good, Larry,
You've got a chance with her. Okay, comes back. You
might want to buy some n No, we never even
found the boy. I need no way to know if
he's still out there. We know he's dead because I've
(14:03):
got that feeling and my stomach. He's definitely dead. Larry's here.
God closes the door, he opens the window. He like Larry,
and I don't know what's up, but something's happening to me.
I often felt this way in date. What the devil
can make it? So we sent the ransom note your
wife and she is not reply. Yes, she says he's
probably dead. I don't know what that means. I've been
(14:25):
going for less than twenty four hours. Said she would
pay ten dollars to set you free, but no reply.
I mean that's nothing, but money is ridiculously inflated here
in the future too. Ten bucks is like the minimum, right,
Maybe you're not speaking the same language when I say bucks,
(14:46):
Oh bucks, ten bucks, ten mail deer. Okay, look, I
don't know where she's gonna haven't they all kind extinct?
Oh no, there's more bucks than ever. Where are the bucks?
We have them at a five? Okay? Yeah, and my
wife is supposed you have them. But my wife is
(15:06):
supposed to get ten of them were collecting. That's so difficult.
You know what, she'll pay you anything. We asked for
ten bucks. She hasn't replied, what do you want? Okay?
Just like, how can we get through to her? Because
we have to kill you? Why do you have to
kill me? That's how ransom works. We have to take
(15:28):
a finger and thumb. Don't if you do that, just
kill me, Just kill me immediately. Okay, I don't want
Mr Cuco. I found the body of that man that
was being held ransom. Did we get the ten box?
We got the ten bucks too? He was humor disappointing.
(15:51):
I hear there's some cut COO replicants on the loose. Yeah,
wait a minute, you said you were going to get
the tin buck to you said the ten buck too,
That's what I said. No, No, we needed you to
get the tim Buck too. Do you want me to
get the place timbukto? It's gonna be impossible for me
to lift and bring it in. We just want to
take Overner ship. Your asks are just so much of people.
(16:14):
You understand that? Did you understand that you want me
to take location? You don't have, not even the want
to own the place you need to deliver. I have
an update on how the plan is doing? And please
where are the replicates? Are they work? Did we use?
Is it funny? Weird way? Stephen? Do you do you
want to take this one? Yeah? Sure, I'll take it. Yeah, Okay, Stephen,
(16:36):
I'm listening. It's fun. The whole thing is fun. This
is not what I want to hear, what I wanted
to hear. I just got back from Sector three and ship.
You're the fan, okay? Security cards dead, A body shaped
hole in the two way near shattered through. I think
two people escape. I mean I'm still here. Just for
the record, I saw it happened. Was my husband he
(16:57):
went to space. I stayed on Earth the whole time.
I was here to help him get through this. He
got me had one thing went to an I don't
know what it hit God, I think she's a replicate.
I'm not a rep I am not. I am not.
Oh boy, that's not her face. That's not her face.
Could go forever. So you saw a replicant around here? Yeah? Man,
(17:22):
anything else, I'm gonna drop you off the side of
this fucking building. If you don't tell me to man,
let me go. Yeah, I mean, don't let me go
while I'm hanging over the edge, but put me back
on selid ground and then let me. I've been wanting
(17:49):
a bite for here. I'm not a baby, lady. You're
a baby, now, aren't you. Yes, I'm a baby. Good
with me, little baby. What's your child's name? This is
dookie beautiful. Yes, it's very large. Mommy, doesn't he I
(18:11):
need to feed. I'm happy to oblige. Milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk.
And around the corner, I'm making fudge. Welcome back to you,
around the corner, I'm making fudge. Scene two comes us
(18:35):
today from Mark, who wrote, Hello, Welcome. I'm a huge fan.
I have been listening since episode one. Your show helps
me get through my day at the office. Just today,
always find myself having to turn my head to my
wall to try to muffle my laugh laughing so I
don't disturb my co workers. James Heeney, every time you
say God damned in a scene, I lose it and
(18:57):
have to face my wall. I always get a little
bummed when you're not on an episode. Damn been, Pandrick. Sorry,
I love you. I love your answers to Kevin's opening questions.
Please elaborate more on them. One of my favorite TV show,
Maybe you guys just wanted to go on a secret take.
(19:19):
One of my favorite TV shows is a live program
that follows police officers. My suggestion for a scene is
one police officer when family and friends keep calling into
his cell phone at the worst possible times. He takes
the calls. He takes the calls, and somebody needs to
(19:40):
go to Marcel mar associating and the viewers at home
can hear all of his conversations. Keep up the amazing work.
I look forward to you every every episode. Thanks for
everything else. Just wait, what was the take away from that? Yeah,
live live p D officer. Yeah, so getting a phone
call from his family. Yeah, you know, all the there's
(20:02):
there's these TV shows where there's body cams and on
the car and you're just watching Live Police. Yeah and
uh and this particular officers getting calls from family and
friends while in the middle of doing his job, his
or her uh taking calls. Um and we get we
at the viewers at home and hear all of these conversations.
(20:24):
Keep up the amazing work. I look forward to laughing
with you every episode. Thanks for everything. Mark Dwyer from
Elliott City, Maryland. We now return you to Live Police.
Today we're following officer O'Malley from Santa Fe Doo Doomkum
Dong Dong Dong Dong Dong Dong Dong Dong Dong Dong
(20:46):
Dong Dong Dong Dong. I'm giving it. Why you over, Well,
it turns out you were are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. Um,
So I'm just GETNA means you to pass your registration
and your license and your insurance. Do you want to
(21:08):
take that? Uh? You start working on your part? Okay? Yeah? Alright? Hello,
hey dad, you didn't pick me up at soccer practice?
Is that today? It's every day? Every day? Oh? I knew,
I knew that there was It's four o'clock alright or
everybody's been gone for a half hour. Oh wow, here's
(21:30):
my license. Well, thank you, thank you. Listen something, do
you mind? What are you doing? What am I doing?
I'm I'm just hold on one second's rest? Hold on? Okay,
we're just gracious. How would you know that? Just taking
a guess? Yeah, it is my son. Yeah, he's I
left him at soccer practice again. Do you need me
(21:51):
to go pick him up? Would you sure? Because I
I gotta work for a photo. Well, hey, hold on
one second, Hey, buddy sport. Yeah, I heard everything. I'm like,
Oh I thought I had you muted. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. What I'm supposed to send a picture
of myself? Some creep up. It's a longtime friend of mine.
(22:12):
We go way back. What's his name? His name is Keith. Okay,
so Keith is going to pick me up. Just send
me a picture so he knows what you look like.
You know what I look? Don't you know what I look?
Of course I know what you look like. But described
me to him? Okay, alright, let me put you on mute. Now. Okay,
(22:33):
he's gonna be wearing a soccer uniform. Are you familiar
with this? Yes? Yes, you should know that. Although he's
on mute and can't speak, of course, he's still listening
to Oh, okay, okay. And that's Officer O'Malley over there
in the Chicago Diamond District. He's doing routine traffic stops
over there. Looks like, wait, Luke, that was in Santa fe. Oh,
(22:56):
my mistake. That is my mistake. That is my mistakes.
It looks like there's some booger sugar and we're having
a good time over here. And so we're going to
the District of Columbia. What looks like they're doing a
house raid. We're following Sergeant Tafter. Oh, this should be fun.
(23:20):
Open up, it's Sergeant Tafter. Sergeant Tafter, DC Police. Fuck me,
fuck you, fuck this is a house raid. Fuck we
have a warrant for your arrest. Suck my butt, dude, dude,
you gotta stop at that. Let me just open the
(23:40):
door and let him in. Oh man, they're gonna shooters
or take her ship. Okay, hold on, hold on a second. Hello, Hi,
are you Are you satisfied with your cable company? Right now?
What are you satisfied with the service? Sergeant Tafter at
DC Police, I'm doing a house raid right now. This
is this is Craig and I'm from Rising, and we've
(24:01):
got a new kind of it's it's a higher speed
than you think. Cable, the couple in your area, we
got motherfuck? How many does you have to fuck to
fuck you? I'm so sorry, Craig. Okay, thank you. Okay,
look I I how fast do we talk? We're talking
(24:23):
ten times speed of normal stuff? Ten times? Yeah, I
got another call. Okay, I'm gonna put you a mute. Hello.
What was that about this morning? What was Why did
you leave the house like that. I'm on a house raid.
You're on a house it's my job. You have a
(24:44):
house to keep up here. Okay, I'm at home. I'm like,
why did you just walk out on that conversation? We
weren't done something. I thought we were done. No, we
weren't done because you have not forgiven my sister completely.
I can tell you're holding onto something. Okay, Look as
as your sister, he's staying with us, I'm not going
to forgive her to stay here. You have to forget
(25:05):
let me talk to don't put Denise. I'm okay, here
you go, Denise. Hello, David, Hello, Denise. Listen. I know
you think that the bathroom is only for you, but
sometimes I gotta be in there. Okay, but I look,
I have an important job, all right. You gotta get
up at the morning and here you do not brush
(25:25):
her off. No one can use the back. I'm not
brushing her off. Okay, what bathroom in this house? Okay?
You've gone on one job interview in one month of
living with us. Okay, what could you possibly need to
get ready for it? Don't change the subject. You're so
successful you have a house with one bathroom. Okay, hold
on a second. Alright, I've got something more important to
deal with. Craig. Are you there, I'm still here. I
(25:46):
I'm Are you interested in switching over? We'll pay the
fees for the switch. I don't want just faster internet.
I want cable. I want cable. I want a landline
as well. Do you have some sort of three and
one pack? Alright? Well, that was Sergeant Jack there right there,
and hopefully he gets that deal done and we can, uh,
(26:06):
we can. You know what's funny about the word deal?
You use it in cards almost every day. Yeah. Yeah,
let's go to Florida. Let's go to Florida. Please have
police Dabby Roger. Can I see you guys in my office? Yeah,
(26:31):
I'm Roger. Yeah that's correct. Uh you guys. I've just
been going over some of the edits and is it hot?
Come open the window, Come up in the window. There's
air conditioning and it's blow. Just wear a bathing suit
to work like I do. Steve. I'm gonna say a
word to you, and I don't want you to win. Roger, Roger, Roger,
(26:54):
it's rehab, Roger. Is that you you copy what I'm saying?
Is that what you mean by you're peting Rodger? Okay,
we have I think Steve has a problem too, right,
so we've got I think Steve has a problem too.
And you know what, I can say that with the
confidence on this side, I don't have a problem, but
I can see them in other people. Yeah, another season, Sorry, Steve,
(27:17):
we are doing another season. It's great. It's gonna go
and I'm ready to go right now. You're going to rehab.
You're doing coke on air and drop an F bombs
like a sailor who gives a ship hu And all
I have is a little alcohol, So I hope think
that's a bad look. We do show about cops, all right,
we can do whatever we want on the show. Okay,
that's not how it works. Coming on, you tasted. I
(27:40):
can keep steering the ship, keep renting money. Month, I'm
gonna pay you in cocaine. Okay, next month you get
back from rehab, I'm gonna pay you with a check.
I want you to go to a bank and take
that check with you have cocaine there. Maybe that's but
that's the rehab is supposed to change up the point
you guys freezing there now when we do live PD,
(28:04):
we know who the funk you are. We were listening
to your thing. We're the Pots studio. I'm tripping out.
I'm tping the officer. It's called the random number. Hello,
(28:27):
who is this. It's Grandpa Joe. It's Grandpa Joe. Listen.
I don't have a Grandpa Joe. But I'm I'm I'm
an alien. No alien, I'm an alien. Oh my god.
Hold on, guys, I've made contact Holy ship. Alright, so listen,
(28:49):
this is a this is a private line, and you've
pretty much gotten to the leader of the people humans.
I'm a human leader. Yeah yeah, yeah, good good need
Oh I got another call. Do not hang up. Okay,
Hello dad, it's me. That creepy guys put me up
and he kidnapped me. Know what's he want? What's he want?
What do you want? Tell me it's I want ten dollars.
(29:12):
He was ten dollars. That's reasonable. That's totally reasonable. Okay,
tell him I'll venmo whim if he lets you out.
I don't know how I'm gonna get him to cash.
I want it in quarters. He wants it in quarters,
So that's just a roll of quarters. That's easy. Okay,
hold on, I'm gonna put you on mute alien and
that we can just figure out to wait to alien. Hello, Yes,
(29:33):
what kind of technology do you have for WI your transfers?
Your dad thinks she's talking to an alien? Wait, how
do you say? Apple? Apple? Apple? Steve stupid? I'm sorry
to sound up. We gotta get okay, okay, okay, look
at me, Steve, at me. See We've done a lot
(29:54):
of crazy things, and this is gonna be the craziest
one yet. We're going to convince those policemen to get
out of No. What do we do? Help me? Crazy
that we're gonna be the same body that we can
show your arms. You could join your dreaming Steve, You've
always been a please. Ah I love on. The scene
(30:23):
ends and everyone just looks at each other like, yeah,
I think that's it. I don't think we should do anymore.
It wouldn't be watching Top Top. Our final scene of
the day comes to us from Barbara wrote, Hello, welcome this.
I listened to the show while responding to emails at work.
(30:43):
I frequently have to stop and reread the emails because
the show is way more interesting. That's a compliment, right,
is more than an email. Emails can be fascinating, right,
burn to those emails before we're joining further. I just
want to step out of us for a second, and
asked James a question. That's all this is not in
the email. Um, you understand how mute works. Right, When
(31:05):
I put somebody on and they can hear you, you
can't hear them. Okay, I guess you're right. I guess
you're right. I mean it's possibly you've got a different
phone point, but if you knew your phone, they can't
hear you. Right, mute, you can't hear me. That's right,
that's right. You don't like never before We're going to
(31:29):
get to the bottom of this one, damn it. My
suggestion for the crew is a standard office bullpen full
of common coworkers. The guy who brings fish for lunch,
the person who the person who hums or sings along
with the music on their headphones, the person who insists
on tapping, tapping, all caps tapping. I'm sure the team
(31:52):
has better ideas. The night I love the show, Barbara
who microwaved fesshion this in this Michael shunk up the
whole room. Yeah, that's me. That's disgusting everybody face. Okay,
so I gotta heat up my fish. It smells like
stinking smells like fish. It smells terrible. Lack knack. Let's say,
(32:17):
who's there, Linda, Linda, No, it's just me joke. That's
a funny way to enter a room. It's not a
funny way. You're supposed to have a good joke of Okay,
Well here's a joke. Okay, which one you ate? My
YEO play? Yeah, answer her that I had a yo
play right here that said Linda on it cherry on
(32:39):
the bottom. It says Linda on the bottom. No, there
was cherry on the bottom. It was yo play cherry
on the black bottom, said Linda. I wrote it on
the front and sharpie and on the top on the foil.
I had no idea. I didn't. I thought that you
are what. You're a joke, your stupid, You're stuck in
(33:03):
your beard. This is just great. This is just you
know what. I'm gonna go back to my office hungry, okay,
and pissed. Good job, don I don't think came in
here because the smelly fish. And look what happened here.
Let me ask you something. I just got a new
cell phone. Um, when I hit mute on my cell phone,
(33:23):
that means no one can hear me. Right, you hit mute?
It's isn't the picture of the microphone? Let me see
your phone really quick? Yeah, so let me see mute.
But if oh my god, I didn't mean to open
these pictures up. What are you doing in this picture?
I'm skiing, yeah, but naked, so it's weird, like it's
(33:44):
a big leg. This is inappropriate. I don't want to
seek your phone. Hey, Sean, yes, yeah, check this out.
I got all these sex scenes. It's all those famous movies.
I'm a computer. You wanna sex scenes from famous movies
you want to watch them like Desperate Auto, and I
haven't seen desperad what's the famous sex scene that's some
high agen an Tony manderis just okay, you know I
(34:11):
don't want to see that. I've got to I've got
to write greeting cards. Okay, okay, I gotta do what
I'm here to do. Guys, I interrupt, Why do you
think someone wants to hear when their pet has passed
or just got in the turcky diagnosis? A turkey diagnosis, No,
turkey diagnosis, tricky diagnosis. I don't know, that's very specific. No,
(34:34):
I'm trying to pitch some of the stuff I was
thinking sorry about, but you know why you were getting
into how about this? This might hurt to gobble, but
we can do. There's a lot, a lot of pets parkins.
I eccellently did look into that, but I'm my good pet. Well,
(34:55):
maybe there's a magician in a hat and a cane
and it says, sorry, you got a tricky diagnos this. Oh,
you know what you can do. Magicians do tricks. Oh,
I got the magician where the rabbitness ends? And maybe
you should get next time. It's a turkey intid of rebbic. No,
it's not a turkey. What's that? What's that? Antonio? Yeah,
(35:17):
I'm watching the sex. Can't watch that? I mean you say,
of course, I can't even basically except for that they're grinding. Yeah,
it's ready G for grinding. That's a good card. Your
birthday is ready G for grinds. Like, let me fast
forward to the there's a stripper coming out the fight
You know, I got a whole bunch of I got
(35:38):
all the sex scenes. Kee up, so I got this
one from fight Club? Oh god, yeah, is that Helena
Bottom Carter sex? It's crazy sex. I got all the
sex scenes ta tanic you name it was the way
nipple looks in that film? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I
got all the nipples. Okay, this is not appropriate for
(36:00):
an office We all funny about Phil. It's make believe,
but it's also real. I don't know what our nipples looking. Oh,
I got one. I got one. If it's too much
of a gobble and you've got a hobble, hey, just
feel better. That's good, right, that's not good at all, Karen,
(36:25):
uh Hi, I got your card, and um I was
just found a little confusing well, you know what, you're
going to appreciate the gesture. You're welcome, But I don't hobble,
and um, I don't understand the use of the word gobble. Okay,
Well Daniel, Um, first, I thank you for approaching me
and telling me how you felt. Right. Well, you've got
(36:47):
a slightly larger cubicle than I do, so I want
always come by. I'd rather spend time here than my own.
But in this case I came with questions, specifically about
the card you gave me. Well, again, thank you, I
hear you. I appreciate you. Thank you for coming over.
You feel safe right now? Am I had a good
distance for sure? Yes? And the hobble and gobble? Do
(37:11):
you hobble? Is my hand too close? Now? It's the
same distance you've just you haven't moved it. Um, you
do hobble and you do have a gobble. So if
I was, are you okay, Daniel, Daniel, wake up, Daniel,
(37:32):
wake up? Daniel? Oh my god? What then, Daniel Daniel Okay, okay,
I'm taking him to jail. I'm taking him to jail,
citizen arrested as your co worker. I saw what happened.
I saw that I'm taking you to jail. You're taking
me to jail. Honey. Look I got cuffs. I got
(37:57):
who cooked the fish in the toilet? I have cooked
the fish in the goddamn toilet. That's disgusting, man, this
is a communal toilet. Gave me cooking fish in here.
I didn't cook the fish. You left it in there.
That was Ali and he dropped it in there. I
was just try it up a little. God damn it,
(38:18):
my teeth are soft. Give a goddamn about your teeth?
Is a communal sharing Well, I thought better of it
and I left the tire. Goddamn it. To that sucks
rather the toilet smell like him ship or wine? Right?
You are you gonna make some toilet wine? I was
(38:39):
gonna right, and you got some fish in there? I
will put I don't put a little bit of fist
to say what what happen? If I s around? Happened?
My ninjas broke them right, So I thought it might
if I'll swar it a on the toilet, and it
was blended, but it got really wet. I think you
(39:00):
won't you believe you had a ninja on the outside.
Ain't no way you could afford a god damn ninja.
I got given a ninja by my niece. There's only
one way to smuggle a ninja in here, and you
don't want to do They don't No, hell no, I
don't have a ninja. Has a ninja and now it's
in the toilet. Ninja was confiscrated, right, so I'm trying
(39:22):
to use the toilet because Ninja taught me to complain
things with a circular. I'm saying, we've got a new
person here. He's fresh guy. He might have narcolepsy. He
fell asleep and that's how he ended up in here,
So say that's illegally. I was in an office, man,
(39:43):
and I was being respectful with a distance with my hand.
Just the hell up, man, you're dealing with murderous killers
and people that kill. Or do you feel safe? It
is my hand too close and hadn't moved from when
it when it started. I think he's dozing off. Wake up, up, prison, Justine.
(40:08):
Let's give him a prison. Stole swirling, Okay, I gotta
I gotta walk away, Guys, I can't watch this. I
can't watch short. Sorry, I gotta lock it up. It
looks like there's a some commotion going down cellblock three. No,
I think it looks like there's some commotion. They're putting
that guy in the toilet. I've been taking this improv class,
(40:28):
and I'm just looking at everything as material. Everything is material.
Wants coffee? Wait? Did you say poison coffy and coffee?
Nothing but boys, that's a character. I tried an improp
She fancy, I can definitely a crumpet. A crumpet, by
(40:52):
the way, is anybody I think it's like a Scones neighbor.
I don't know. I don't know it's going to jas
a crumpet. Yeah, I think so, I think so. What
kind of coffee do we have today? Poison coffee drinking? Okay,
it's a strange way to drink coffee. Yes, And what
(41:19):
do you want to me? Are you guys? Aren't you
guys supposed to be wanting security? What's going on? There's
a prison riot going up? Are you seriously wake up?
Wake How long? We we just had some coffee and
past down the coffee that's not supposed to have a
(41:40):
coffee supposed to wake up? Where's Chloe? Where is Chloe
the coffee lady? All right, I'm busting all of you out, Yes,
all of you, let's go. I have the keys. I
work here, so we're blowing out the back or what's
going on right out the front? Why are you doing that?
(42:02):
Because this prison system in this country is fucked because
it's privatized. Yes, because it's privatized. Go on, go on.
Are you gonna come with us where you have only blenders? Yes? Yes,
there's ninjas wherever you want to go here, dying thing,
you're gonna get one, promoter. Let me pull out your
(42:22):
face because I've been trying to pull it out everyone.
You you son of a bitch. You're staying here? Why
because my hands comes? No? Not you? You wait a second, now,
are you sure you want to let all of us out?
That guy office? That guy, my hands right here, you creep.
(42:48):
You're not letting me out now? You should steak weird.
You're weird man. You deserve to be where you are.
It's weird if I put my hand right here though,
from where you haven't moved your hand. I used to
work at that same greeting card company earlier this week. Yeah,
I had murdered. Well, we gotta go, all right, Thank
(43:14):
you for coming over to greeting cards, greeting cards, greeting cards.
Uh and starting work day. This does not count as
a lunch break. And um, yes a question? Yes, is
it true we're meeting to moving the whole company to
the greeting cards district? Yes? Uh, Cuco Knives have integrated
(43:34):
us into their bigger projects. Were part of the family.
Now we are. They had just bought us, they're going
public and they're developing spacecraft, so they need Is there
gonna be redundancy issues? Are we all keeping our jobs?
These questions will all be answered in your separate packages. Okay,
oh yeah, what were you severing? Everything will be answered
in your severance package. Happening all right? Now, Look, everyone
(43:57):
here has a fantastic job. But from you know, the
right just started my girl's night outline. Let's hear the
first is that affect Let's do this chardonnay? There you
go with that level of let's do this, and then so,
let's do this, Let's do this, and then negative is
(44:18):
that picture of a horse chugging wine? Look, I I
wish when you want to go on a rodeo theme
bridal shower. I think everyone will be happy with the
packages that we have. Are you happy with yours? I
am working with cut. I want to go back to you, Dan.
You you haven't even seen the card and you're brushing
it off like it's a stupid idea. Because there's a
horse saying no, chardonnay nay, let's do this. It's for
(44:42):
a girl's bachelorette weaken on a rodeo farm kind of
a thing. It made sense. It wasn't stupid for dancing.
That says watch me. All right, let's just okay, let's stop.
We're not spitballing anymore. Okay, okay, this company's being absorbed
in the cut code nine. We've got to finish this campaign.
What if what if the name names were musical notes,
(45:03):
just name work. Either one's with chardonnay. This is also
it doesn't have to end with chardonnay either. That was
just where I landed with it, but it could be.
Um mohito, No you didn't. You can't break this team up.
We're so good to gether are in Australian bed Peano
(45:25):
nar that's funny, right, okay, that's good. In the wheelbarrow
is everyone's everyone's package. Wheel barrow. You could just pick
up one of the manilla folders. It's all the same
names on them. Our turkey cards are just rolling out
next week. Yes, those were keeping. Those circuit cards are fantastic.
(45:45):
Can I go back up to my cubicle and get
the pictures of my family? No? Every time I get
to keep my I p Can I take girls night
out elsewhere? No? You said it inside the building, so
that's ours. I'm sorry. We appreciate everyone's work and your time.
When you say we appreciate every ones were who are
you representing, Mr Kuko? I don't think so. Why don't
we go to office? Right? Hold on? Hello? What brings
(46:10):
you here? First of all, I love your cat? Thank you.
It's not a cat, by the way, what is it?
It's a replicant? Oh that's right. What's the replican's name? What?
What bothers you name it? Good point? Okay, tell me this.
There's a beautiful there's a card and it's got a
waif with high heels on and a swinging little ponytail,
(46:33):
and it's incursive and and it says, um, oh you're
my more teeny tiny girlfriend. So you want to stop me? Okay, okay,
I don't get I don't get the card. First of all,
you have to see the image. Second of all, greeting
cards are a dying business. I'm in two things, knives
(46:54):
and space. All right, we're moving your office to the
greeting card district. But how are you going to everyone
into the greeting card game? Yeah? Look, did Joel not
bring a wheelbarrel full of severance packages into the bullpen? Yes? Okay?
Was that Joel that we killed? Did you kill him?
(47:15):
He didn't give us a choice? Any meany miney Martini? See, Okay,
there's there's no off switch in the office. Look, I'll
tell you what. You clearly are creative, creative and artists,
and you want to keep your intellectual property for you.
So what if we killed you? And then wait wait wait, no, no,
(47:38):
and he let me know the whole thing out finish.
I don't want hear the what if we killed you? Okay,
bear with me there. Maybe I'll put that part at
the end. Okay, okay, Um, what if what if your
brains were still with the company? Okay, stayed with the
(48:00):
company in perpetuity throughout the years. That sounds really good
because I just love I can't stop. You know, I'm
a creator. I want to make people happy. I want
to give the words to people that they give to
other people. Yes, so we'll transfer you, will transfer your
consciousness into a server. What where does our body go?
(48:20):
Where does your body? We're going to kill you and
then we're going to No. Yeah, no that doesn't feel Yeah,
we'll take that. Oh this is fun. Thirteen thirteen. Put
on this. It's you have to see the picture. I
(48:43):
have it on my phone. Um it's a was skiing.
Um so it's um, it's a Jewish boy and he's
he's wearing all the things and it's like, thirteen thirteen.
Put on this because teams love to accessorize, and it's like,
put on this, don't look I am cut if I may.
(49:07):
What goes in that card also as a check and
that's truly all the kid's going to see anyway. And
on the inside it says I love you this much
and it has a dollar sign, so you write them amount, okay, knives, space, robots.
I'm also going to throw any other thing that interested
and greeting cards I don't know, But how are you
going to let people know about the company of yours
if not to send out greeting cards? Muestion. Okay again,
(49:30):
Like you two are so creative, right, I think we
should kill you and then transfer your consciousness. I'll do it.
I'll do it. You can have my my brain. Oh
you don't want to come on, I'll do it. Honestly.
If you wanted one that's not the one to talk,
I'll sign up. It's so good. Pay though, it's very good.
Pay yes, and then your consciousness will be in a
(49:51):
replicant and you'll live for I don't want to make
this weird, but did you see the Turkey series? He did?
It was pretty good. It was good. Trust me, I'm
worth it worth and Mr kurk, Mr Koko. We're losing
the battle right now, all the all the replicants, they
seem to be just making these strange puns. That doesn't
make any sense. They're not fighting fight. Would they do that?
I don't know. It must be it must be whatever
the AI is. I'm not sure it was integrated into
(50:13):
the systems. I thought they were getting smarter. Let me
see here, okay, Tim Burger from greeting cards, greeting cards,
greeting cards, that's that's the mind that's inside all these AI. Yes,
that that's not a military mind, sir, that's it seems
to be a I made a deal with Tim Burger.
(50:33):
He you know, he volunteered to be killed and have
his consciousness uploaded. And so yeah, okay, so we'll roll
with it. We'll just roll. We're going to roll with
the god. If any of these replicans make it to Earth,
they will kill everyone. Do you understand. I'd like to
welcome all the replicants now to the planet Earth. Let's
start with you, sir. Did you have any questions? I
(50:55):
have no questions. I'm ready to be here. Okay, let
me out onto the planet. What would you do your
first day on Oh? Gosh, who said that? Nobody? I'm
so sorry for your loss. There are no words at
a time like this. Oh well, that's a lovely sentiment.
I mean, people are dying every day on Earth. This
(51:18):
all look at my butt? Huh. Okay, let us out. Um,
before we let you out, we just had a couple
of questions. Birth day more like girth day. Oh you're fat?
Oh oh, this is great. You guys know the whereabouts
of Mr cut g Oh I've never heard of him.
(51:40):
Well we have, and we need to know his whereabouts.
And then we can release you onto the planet. I
don't know. We just need one of you to cough
up the information and we can get on. You're allowed
to do all the killing you want. We just need
to know where. Happy Thanksgiving to the whole family. Thank you.
That's very sweet. Speaking of thanks, I'm going to thank
(52:01):
you in advance for the information of Warmester cut going.
If you open up this card, I think you'll find
ten bucks in it. Oh oh, there's not ten dollars
in it. There's there's just what's the sound of the bucks?
(52:22):
Their wookie bucks. Well, that's our show for today. Let's
thank all of our start this. James Heney, Jimmy Jacko,
working folks, Trump find you on you web. They can
find me at the real James Heney dot com. Okay,
Vanessa Rackman. They can find me hanging around the Old
Dynasty typewriter or online at dynahs d Typewriter. Yeah great.
(52:45):
Ka At Kikowski on Twitter see Kikowski on Instagram. And
also Orange Ducks Improv for shows. Is there a specific
reason why the tux is orange? Um? It's the improv
group that is me and Carl is named after our
two deceased cats. One of whom was a tabby, and
one of whom was a tuxedo cat. I always thought
(53:08):
it was a prison reference. Uh no, my mistake. Wow,
I'm really glad. I let's put you into an orange tuxedo. No,
that makes that makes perfect sense, James, let's talk out
for the show. Joey at jeby Grieber on Instagram. Why
(53:28):
it's not my name okay on Instagram. Yes, all right,
let's thank our engineer Doug Baby, our post on design
artist Raphael Britto, and of course Sophie Lichtman and the
finn folks that I heart media. I want to encourage
you all the right review, right review, write a review,
write a review, write a review, write a review, and
(53:49):
tell everyone you've ever met, and write to us with
your scene suggestion at your name here and alchemy this
dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this dot com.
We greatly appreciate each and every damn one of you,
So please right to us and let us know what's
going on in your neck and the words. I'm Kevin Palk.
Until next time,