October 3, 2019 • 61 mins
Detectives Interrogate James Heaney; The Pool Man Knows All; Holy Grail Found At The Mall Of America.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy that I'm your host.
Kevin Pollock. Yes, that Kevin Pollock. What's that? Well, I'll
tell you this. That kind of attitude is gonna land
you in the slammer, so watch your ass, boy, But
I digress. Let's meet o rockamists, shall we? And overlook
killer orders? Say hello, but that's a ragolamination. How old
is your son? He? Please tell me again what he
(00:24):
said as he entered my home five years old. We're
coming the gate and he's like, this is beautiful, right?
How many adults live here? Many adults? Why do you
think that number was in his head? When I said too,
he was shocked. The train is definitely not leaving the
(00:45):
station now because Joey Greer's here too. Joemy, like we
know each other. How many corners of the world have
you been to? And which ones? Please? Well? First off,
the world is flat and corners. I've been to six
of the corners. Sex, okay, which one was your favorite? Probably? Yeah?
(01:06):
Top left was a great already checked out? Wash your
shoes and say what the hell did Greg Kikowski were
in Los Angeles? Do you go if your favorite French fries?
You know, I never get tired of in and ounce
fries really damn good. And you make a manimal style
like you tried five guys fries with the skin still
(01:27):
on double cooked. Nope, I'm not gonna work there, all
right there, all right, it's not your cup of tea.
I got it. I got it like thin thin, no fat. Uh.
And last, but least if you can do, but least
(01:47):
you can do is help me. Welcome back, James Heeny,
I thank you, Dr Hey, will see you now. When
was your last complete physical? And what did you think
of during the prostate exam? Well, I'll tell you the
honest truth. I haven't been to a real doctor in
almost twenty years. But I did go to the pot doctor.
Wait wait, yeah, I gotta break down. Yeah sorry, uh,
(02:12):
real doctor doctor. So what is that? Well, it means
that I wanted back before it was legal to get
a card to smoke marijuana legally, and I went to
a pot doctor. Just a brief conversation and then you
can take your blood pressure and then and then this
guy suggests and astate exam. Well I don't know if
that was an exam that he fingered me. And uh,
(02:33):
and he did say you know he should go to
a real doctor. Your blood pressure is going crazy and
every year I'm really well. He said that I have
high blood pressure, sure, and he can see that on
a one of those things in your arm. I'm like,
come on, well, one of those things on your arm
is actually sign Yeah, I guess basically a floaty device
(02:59):
and you have a nice sash, but inside there's a
lot of issues. Yeah, there's always a cast physical of course,
we all know before you started working on a thing. Well, Joey,
listen up, and uh so what it's really the single
most bullshit exam ever. I mean, it's like your temperature
(03:21):
and and stethoscope to your heart and I don't even
think blood pressure really, And then there's always like a
questionnaire you have to fill out. It's all about have
you been denied insurance on a production because of a
drug problem, which is really the only reason you're there.
And uh I went into one of them with like
a really bad cold, and I said, should I do
(03:41):
like a silence thing where? And he said, yeah, you
should talk to a doctor, are you quote? And this
is a doctor with a plaque of the wall and
just autography test. He might have been a pot doctor.
It sounds all this is to be four because I'm
a hundred and five. Alright, let's get to our first
show me all. Today's scene suggestions or gathered from our
(04:02):
listener emails. If you'd like to submit yours, please write
to the podcast at your name here at alchemy this
dot com. And I would also encourage you now to
write a review. We've gotten some amazing reviews since our
own James Heeney uh pleaded with you to please step
it up on the review because we really need your
support out there, and the best way to get the
word out there and the multiplies is by writing a review.
(04:23):
So please, if you like to show at all, if
you do not think it stinks, then write us a review.
Stop listening right now and go write a review again.
Write your scene suggestions to your name here at alchemy
this dot com. Our first scene suggestion comes from a
listener named Hank, who wrote, Hey, y'all love the podcast.
I'd love to hear what you would do with this.
(04:46):
Jimmy Jack James Heeney gets interrogated by aggressive cops FBI,
d E, A, et cetera for a crime he simply
did not commit, though he can't convince them otherwise. Thanks
for making such wonderful content, Hank. Look, James is inside there, Okay,
I need to talk to him. You need to talk
to him. Okay. I don't know what he's been helpful.
(05:07):
I don't know why he's in there, ma'am, ma'am please, yes?
Can I get you something? A coffee of water. I
don't want to coffee water. No, I don't want boost
coffee water down down. I don't want to need downdowns
or ups ups. I need my James E James, Okay,
get him now? Would be a great time to sign
up for a dating site. Man. Yeah, she's got a
good point. What do you say he's going to be there?
(05:27):
And definitely I don't about it, definitely, But have you
been on Tinda? Have that? Tell me? And James Matt okay,
so you don't mind it, Corey mind. I just wanted
to find somebody in James swipe and left because Julia
and I were talking about earlier. This doesn't mean giving
a percentage basis number hot little piece like you my ballpark?
(05:52):
Yeah park before James? Is that normal? Is a gal
on the bad? There's no there's no bad was a
little horsh. No, you can't say that. I can't say that.
I can say you wipe on. Everybody got as yeah, yeah,
(06:18):
So Jimmy Jack, James Heeney, you can just call me James.
How many of those are your real names? Just well,
the beginning and the ending, the elphat Jimmy, Well, I'd
really rather there James Heeney, but Jimmy Jack, James Heeney. Well,
when I was born, people called me Jimmy because I
(06:38):
was a baby, and as I got more and more adults,
Jimmy because you were a baby. I mean it was
it was like that you call a kid Jimmy. Most
adults have to get a grown up name at some point. Jimmy, Jimmy.
I need you to get up and brush your teeth. Okay,
all right, I will. It's your second birthday and you're
speaking a lot, which is impressive. But we need you
(07:01):
to brush those teeth. Okay. And as soon as you
brush them, baby, no more Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy's gone. You'll
be James. Today's the day. If you can brash your teeth,
you're not Jimmy anymore. No help. So what's the first,
Jimmy's let's brush your way, Jimmy. What's the first thing
we get tooth? Paint down? Brush? This isn't gonna horror.
(07:24):
You got another year, Jimmy, We got another year, Jimmy. Hey, Jimmy,
welcome to the Social Security Office. We just needed to
make sure that you're ready to take the name James
and drop Jimmy if you're an adult. Okay, okay, how
I feel like I'm pretty close to ready make contact
with Okay, alright, stop playing around things on my desk.
What is this? This looks like it depends. It's different
(07:44):
color pens. If I push the difference? You just what
you weren't sure that that was a pen? Well, there's
just so many colors to choose from with one pen. Okay, Jimmy, Okay,
Now we're gonna ask you some questions. Okay, and we'll
go from there. Okay, Okay. You're driving forty on the highway.
You're making a left turn of semi trucks in your
rear view mirror. How much time do you give before
you make the turn? Oh god, I have no idea
immediately okay, all right. You have two dependents, one of
(08:08):
which is older than you, one of which is younger.
If you're making four dollars a year, half of that
goes to the government. Why, oh my god, what's the
undn't what's it? Okay? I'm sorry, we just denied your
claim to be called I'm sorry. So you're here for
social security fraud. I don't think this is correct, honestly
(08:28):
and illegal left hand turn? Well yeah, I mean it's
I thought you could go red red take a left
if you stopped murder. No, that can't be true. That's
what I have down here. No, let me see that paper.
I can't let that. Sorry, I gave you one of
the wrong papers. Okay, can see one of these papers
is wrong here, it's the it's the left hand turn.
(08:51):
When I got that? Guy? Oh good, good, close it.
H hell, I love being an Is it possible? Hey?
Uh stand Starry shout you interrupt? That's all right. I
think I might have written rumor wrong. I think I
wrote murder. Okay, yeah, yeah, all right, you're here for
attempted rumor. Okay, I think that this What if the
(09:15):
hell is going on in the office? Huh? We got
papers being misfiled, people misspelling the murder started this buddy
cop system. We're buddying up, but the buddy system doesn't
work because we're not we're not communicating, we're not buddy
all right, goddamn everyone, that's it. Everyone off. Sorry, we're
taking the day off and everyone's going to the park
(09:36):
and buddying up. Okay, I want us to become best friends.
Elliott still my buddy. Yes, he's mad at me the paper.
I don't care. Well, you can you help us? Okay
before we go to the theme park. You're not right
with her? See, Elliot is mad at me. You want
me to take your gundamn badges and your gun right now,
(09:58):
gonna push me out of the law fell Listen, I
wouldn't push your tickets. It's too hot. The Michael Man right,
all right, you're gonna get on that. You're gonna gun
damn joining someone taking fucking j T and okay, I'm
not gonna have that guy just new News. Oh yeah,
he's going with you. Come on, all right, Manetti's going
We're going to take him done Disneyland, Disneyland, disney Shman.
(10:21):
I don't give a hell. All right, you got two
tickets and that's hit. What are you doing today? Sarge,
I'm collecting myself. I recently was emancipated from my family.
Oh man, and I just your choice? Are there's it was?
It was both mutual emancipation, your parents or your children.
All so, uh, I'm the mutual emancipation can be very satisfying. Yeah,
(10:45):
Elliott's trying to get out of this buddy system thing again.
Let's just let's just all focus up. It seems unfair
you're emancipated and we have to be buddies. Yeah, because
you're on the clock. Oh okay, when do we get
off the clock when we go to Disneyland in your buddies?
All right? Feels like time for a montage? Montage? Done, done,
(11:12):
then done? Hi put the cuffs on him? Yeah? I
don't know if I need cuffs. Everybody everybody down, everybody down,
I'm too tall to ride the ride. Hide under my dress?
(11:34):
That sneaking. These aren't my shoes. Can I take the
cuffs off of this ride? I feel like I'm sticking
out like a sore thumb. Everybody thinks, hey, do you
want to ride it? Don't you? I do? But everybody's
looking at me like a convict. So we should put
(11:56):
a jacket over your wrist like it's a purp walk.
Just take the cuffs off. Where am I to run
in the middle of a ride? Everywhere? But loose? What? Everywhere?
But look, I mean that makes sense, but I mean
over here, great name. Come on, guys, it's fun to
raise your hands above your head and scream on a ride,
all right, just for that reason. So you can put
(12:18):
your hands over your head and scream and ashamed of
looking like a convict, you better be raising your hands
and screaming constantly. Inappropriate times are just at the tops
of hills. I'll tell you what. When he gets on
the ride, take up. Okay, guys, thank you so much.
All right, Well, okay, so everyone in this road, you're
gonna be in the front center. You're gonna see it all.
You're gonna need to sit with him. That's my buddy. Okay, okay, man,
(12:41):
would you mind just getting up? All right? So I
got you to see you here next to each other
and just have fun, all right, no matter. Please keep
your hands inside the ride at all times. Questions, Yes,
why our hands inside the red well, we have razors
on top of the ride, so they're gonna yes, So
don't raise your hands. This is the hair utter. So
when you go through this rise is gonna cut your
(13:02):
hair just a little bit. So if you raise your hands,
it's gonna chop. I saw the name. I didn't think
we were actually getting a haircut. Huh yeah. So all
the photos that you saw at the different heights, how
does it? Yeah, I'm the I'm the tallest one. Well
you better, okay, so I alright, guys now now wait
for the bars just fall down to bring our guns on?
(13:22):
Excuse me? Can we bring our guns on? Cups were
law enforcement? Of course? Of course not. This man's been arrested.
He's under a supervision, attempted rumor and a few other charges.
We'd like to take the cuffs off so he could
raise his hands and scream. And I've decided I don't
want to raise my hands. You're raising him, buddy boy.
(13:46):
I don't think this is fair. It doesn't matter what
you think. It's not a fair. It's a theme bar.
That's right, excellent point. Do you want to County Fair
with your final cakes? I'm gonna loose my hands. Hell's
go on? Oh my god? Okay, all right, well there
police officers. Okay, So let's get the ride going. Everyone
(14:09):
clup with me. Now, get the right going? Ride going on?
Just a second, just check sure? Yeah, her gun? Real question,
it's making a strange sound. I don't know if you've noticed.
When you're sure that was my mouth, the silencer on
the gun, but my mouth. I still it's just somebody.
Why isn't the ride going? My body has been shot?
(14:32):
All right, let's get the ride going. Okay, here we go, alright,
have fun. I really think this is inappropriate. All right,
but they are up up off my head, they really are. Okay,
this is fun, this is fun. Here we go. Guys,
(14:57):
if you want to confession on me, you're not gonna
get it. Who won't he? Why did you do it?
I didn't. I think it was. I thought I was
in an escape Answer the questions correctly and we can
put your hands down. Okay, okay. I thought it was
an escape room. I had no idea that it was
a real bank, And once I got into the vault,
it was it seemed like I was waiting, what are
(15:19):
you talking about? What you attempted a rumor? I don't
know it's gonna put my hands down, please say you
down there and shut the ride down for a second.
Shut the ride down? What shut it down? I'll shoot
you in the face. I can't hear it. As you
can clearly see from the photo taken from it's a haircut.
(15:41):
It's a small haircut. Whatever the name of the ride is. Okay,
my client had his hands. Thank you. I'm not done yet, okay,
thank you, thank you. And as we can see that
he was forced to honors are a question anywhere near
in our future. My first day in the boost, I'm
(16:03):
asking if the defense attorney could could please offer here
to sustain sustained? What him? That's whole courtrooms. Somebody's a fan.
They're just watching movies. Yes, that's alright. My coin was
forced to give that testimony and he was under dress
(16:25):
and Elliott uh, Samantha objection. These are just names. Are
on earth, sustain. I just want the court to know
that my client, Jimmy Jack James Heeney, is innocent. Overruled. Okay,
and so it's seen one al right is fan freaking testing.
(16:53):
Two comes us today from Steve, who wrote, Hello, Hagness,
my name is Steve. I'm a huge fan of you,
especially she reminds me of Lauren. I would like to
quote the whistle direction Jeffrey Poker in the movie to
Have Happy Now. Steve goes on, I'm a fifty five
(17:21):
year old pool man or pool person that's been in
the industry for thirty five years, so I think I
know a little bit about everything. I listened too many
podcasts during that checks out Alchemy. This cracked me up.
My client, My clients must wonder why I'm laughing while working.
(17:43):
Being able to make people laugh and give us joy
as a real gift, So thank you. My suggestion takes
place at a Hollywood party a listers like you, Kevin Well,
that's a sad party when the guests realized that their
pool guy holds all the answers to questions, desires, and problems.
Can I get a drink? Yes? Would you like the
(18:05):
lacka bourbon vodka bourbon shaking? We want? Then? I don't
want to chicken just done? Neat neat? Okay, uh getting
bourbon into a glass, but Jesus lay off him? Would
you like that? Started at a party? All right, Linda,
I'm sorry, I'll just go kill myself. I'm gonna go
kill myself. Everyone enjoy the party. I'm useless. No drama there.
(18:29):
What do you drinking, Linda? Come on, what am I drinking? Water?
That's all? Should like? Another water? Water, night shaken glass.
You fill that glass to the brim with vodka. Okay,
I'm not drinking right now, got it? Okay, so no vodka.
(18:50):
What the are you doing? I don't fill the glass
to the broom with vodka. I'm not drinking right now.
So so just water. You're not drinking. I'm winking. You're drinking,
or wink. Look I'm winking at you when I'm saying
(19:12):
that to look like I'm drinking water. You a little idiots. Okay,
here's some you know what, here's a glass of water.
Here's a class of vodka, a dealer's choice. Oh, thank
you so much, honey, Lary, Linda, what a delight. He
look fantastic. Well, thank you. I just got back from
the Hamptons. I didn't know if it was the Caymans
(19:32):
the Hamptons. I wasn't the Caymans before that. So I
got a tan and then I worked it off in
the Hampton. It's so fun to be at a party.
That's all a listers for a change. All right, you
smell like lobster roll. That's right. I rubbed a lobster
roll all over my face before coming here. That's a
(19:54):
new thing. Yes, lobster boy. Can I get a drink? Yes?
Can I get a hennessyn hard to read us? Served
in a man's loafer? Yes, sir, okay, thank you? So
tell us about the hamp ums this time lunching again
at Bobby Flays. Everyone was there play. I'd let Bobby Flay.
(20:17):
He brought his rips out. You're saying he cut you open?
He did? He cut me open. I still have an
open wound in my back. I need to put salve
on it every half hour. Coming to you, Dounce you
got you gotta tell me about this. I'm at this party,
at the kid's birthday party. There's a bunch of kids
(20:39):
that we're doing this story. And our son overheard your son,
Chad say to another boy, I'm so sorry I heard
your father's picture didn't open. Now they're celebrating a nine
year old birthday. Is this really the kind of conversation?
First of all, I barely know, I said, right, maybe
(21:03):
a couple of times a year. Should we talk to
the nanny about this? Friend dresser Carl I need more loafers.
I'm running out of loafers for the Hennessy Margarita loafer. Okay,
it's a signature, it's a drink. I need some more loafers.
These loafers are from you know, our boss. We can't
(21:23):
just be using his loafers. We're gonna get in trouble. Listen,
I've got I've got some water shoes. Water shown in
the poolhouse. But they're gonna just soak right through. Fine
whatever anything works where they're coming, sir, I can't find
any of them. I got an idea, give him water
(21:45):
shoes and call them loafers. Will use the loafers as
the cups, because that's what you're doing, right. Yes, it's
a signature drink. Of course, what's going on? Why do
you know that, dude know a little bit about everything? Obviously,
I'm a pool jo. You know you're dogging and a
working Sorry but that, sorry, but here replaced the loafers
(22:06):
with these water shoes. Used the loafers for the drinks. Okay,
all right? Do you smell like chlorine? It's kind of
goes with the job. It's not bad smell, just like
thank you here you are sir, your your drink? Oh,
thank god, finally sorry? Right, yeah, can I get another
(22:29):
round place? Oh? Surprise, surprise, surprise. Have you ever had
an affair? Have you ever had an affair? Question? I
have how to go? Yeah? I was Okay, go ahead.
I destroyed a family. What does that mean? Things are talking?
(22:50):
We set a thermonuclear device inside the household and we
released it. Yeah, we destroyed the family. It got weird.
I mean, man, that's what we did. We did We
destroyed the sideways fast. So can I just say that
this loafer is wonderful? By the way, Like, where did
you find these? Like they're imported? This is so good.
(23:11):
Chad's impressed. I'm impressed. If Chad's impressed, I'm impressed. Can
I have a loafer? Make it too? Thank you? Guys,
had a little drink today? Today's today? Okay, uh chat?
Look you know him? Okay, I'm Brad Pitt. All right,
you know me, Chad, Brad? What are you doing in
my house hold? On a second, Okay, I heard you
(23:33):
got some loafer. I want to be involved. I know
it's gonna be a big hit, it's probably gonna be
a movie. I want it. I'm Brad Pitt. Chad you
know me? Also, Leonardo DiCaprio. You need to stop doing this. Okay,
we'll just show up and say our names. Yes, you
know who I am. I'm Brad Pitt. Come okay, yes,
(23:57):
I thought you go to bed? What a bad kid?
You live with your family? I try to avoid it
whenever I can. So what is it like being on
the A minus list? Guys? Well, that's why we're here,
trying to work your way up to that level of
stardom that's so big. Nobody knows who the funk we are. Look,
(24:20):
I've just been racking my brain. How do I get
to the next level? I don't know where to go
and who to turn to. I just start by working
on your body. Leo, shut the hell out? What are
you six? Now? Nice neck beard? Just son um a bitch? Okay,
I don't even start with me. No no, no, no, no,
no no, no, okay, I'm up to here. I'm a
minus Alright, I'm freaking out. Who's that guy dancing by
(24:41):
the pool? Who's like, guys, that's the pool guy, not
pool hypnotic. Don't you go introduce yourself? Maybe he knows
who you are. Oh yeah, yeah, dancing himself happy dancing
since it's I didn't see you there. I've been here
for a while, breeding Paris. I didn't think anybody would
(25:03):
have noticed I was dancing. How can they not? What
a light me? I'm Brad Pitt. I know who you are.
Do you know my movies? Yeah? Named them Golden Stones,
pulp fiction. Uh, I'm just a big fan. I'm big fan. Uh.
First time meeting you, though, I don't know if you remember,
(25:24):
well you wouldn't. Gosh, I'm so embarrassed. Were you about
to say, remember what this is the first time meeting right? Well,
I was gonna say you don't remember meeting me before
because the time my first time. Oh god, I get
so tongue tied when I meet somebody as big as
the stars as you, Mr. Butli, I'm a minus. You
(25:46):
know what. I've been telling everybody they can't get in
the pool because I just recently treated it. But truth this, this,
it's been good for about an hour. I'm just overly cautious.
If you want to be the first guy in the pool,
go yeah, I don't see why I dip would hurt?
I mean, like, really, we should probably give it another
(26:06):
couple of hours. But that's just what they say. My skin,
oh god, is melting off. I'm a guy who played
Jack Golden Stones. Yeah, jeez, I think he's dead. No,
he's not dead, he's just floating. I'm not gonna touch
(26:27):
I mean you touch his temperature? Pull boy? Okay, well,
could somebody hand me that pulse for fox touching that water?
It's melting skin, thank you. I want his face. You
can't have his face unless it falls off, has already
come off his Okay, you can have the pieces that
drip off, you can have the pieces that trip. Well
(26:51):
I'm taking you. Don't call me that in front of
these people. Fine, all right, Just anybody know how to
didn't do anything. I es how I thought we could take.
Hear the commotion over the fence, sound travels and these
(27:11):
hos of Hollywood. Oh my god, it's you know, God,
I don't think it's as bad as it. Oh my god. Sorry, La.
We were sorry to disturb you and and save that man,
(27:35):
Oh god alive. Okay, guys, I think we should turn.
We're gonna the pool is off limits. I'm a pool
guy and I and I and you're killing people. Is
that what I'm hearing you know what you know? It
turns out I think I used hydro chloric hy I
(27:57):
thought it was chlorine. I only saw how long have
you paid a pool man? Fifteen years? Chat? God, damn it,
you just killed bred Pitt. We needed me, was going
to be the star's next feature. I need somebody else.
I need somebody else. I need somebody that people are
gonna love mainly and Nardotte the damn fine, I'll do it.
(28:20):
You need me to play Jack Golden Stones in the
sequel to Golden Stones. One guy, you can't act. You
need someone to cut you up. Who's that man pasting
and dancing behind? Oh? That that pool boy over there?
That's what the hell? Who the hell is he? You
know him? Yes, he was the one to burn bred
Pitt and Lauren. But call a live party down. I
have microphones in here recording everything. But he is magnetic.
(28:42):
Maybe he can teach me something about acting. You're there,
pool boy? Who me? Yes, Look, I'm an a list star,
but not an actor. I need some coaching to appear
in a big blockbuster movie Golden Stones to the Return
of the Stones. I've seen that movie. Well to interrupt, um,
(29:09):
I am Mr Flanks assistant. But there's just something wrong, Rebecca. No,
not at all. Um. I was just going to tell
Chad that I thought you were actually asking for the
pool Way to be in the film, not to coach
him to be in the film. Okay, I wanted my
bad though up. Okay, anyone care for pigs on a blanket?
(29:36):
Get out of here. As a pool guy, I've kind
of got the jack of all trades, so I could coach,
I could act, I could as a pool guy. No,
I would typically act as something other than a pool guy.
I'd like to transform into it. I mean, as a
pool guy, you're a jack of all trains? Absolutely, have
you not? Or I see what kind of range you got?
(29:58):
My well, as asked me, where you want the range
to get up to? All right? Can you ride a horse? Well? Sure? Sure?
Is it a real horse or is it one of
the ones with the stick and uh the head part
pops out of this so that you can Are you
on pills or something? Boy, it's a real horse, a
real horse. Dear lord, are you all right? Do you
(30:20):
think that people ride hobby horses in Hollywood films? Is
that not what happens? Like? Alright? We're set roll on
about five minutes. You guys get actually could we hold?
I don't think I can actually ride that horse. I
did not think maybe we should have a training session.
I thought, is there anybody that can help me? Let's
just figure it out on the fly. I don't want
(30:41):
to get out of horse to return with the stones
seen seventeen Take one. I love being out. I'm for it.
It's just like I can't keep this horse still staying
(31:04):
your Oh god, what's happy that? That? Horses burning up?
Oh God, what's that? What did you do? What did
you do? God? This wasn't my fault. This wasn't my fault.
I had a small bottle of perfume. My thought was colorine.
(31:25):
It's it's a cent that a lot of people from Peter.
Why is this horse's bones melted? Oh god, it's not
a real horse. It's mechanical. It's a happy horse. Yes,
it's a mechanical like they did in the original Gildstones.
Filmy know, use real horses. No animals will be here, Okay,
I will be in the tent. But thanks for running
over absolutely, thank you so much for covering for me. Listen,
(31:50):
you got three shots at this and the first one
went up in flames. All right, we got another horse
for you. Will Maybe a horse is probably bad idea.
I don't know. Here, you should hold this bottle of
well it's obviously not chlorine. Yeah, no, I'm happy to
hold it. Oh my god, do you think maybe there's
(32:26):
a stunt person that could could I point to who
I want you to kill on the set, or you're
just gonna random take up? It's I can only kill
it random. I'm so sorry. Right right, well, listen, you're
a tough onumbre. How about your stunt doubles step in.
It's not too big of a deal. Alright, I'd be
happy to do the show. Head on over to hair
and makeup. Alright, listen, why don't you take a seat
(32:49):
anywhere that people aren't around, and we'll let you know
when we're gonna do you close. You've got a great
out of hair. Cover this up with a wig. No,
it's a shame, it really is. How long you've been
growing this growing up for about twenty years. It's just gorgeous.
Thank you. Oh and I gotta put a wig on it.
Oh no, it really is bumming me out. What what
(33:12):
show you've been working on lately. Oh, I was working
on Skimbo, which is on one of those phone platforms, right, yeah,
Miriam's and then Teah, you know Miriam. Oh my god, ohson,
whatever I hear in here, I won't tell any horse.
(33:33):
So it looks like he's killed another horse. This this
lead gay, there's a horse murder going on. Well, I
think he used to just covering in your hair. You
try to work those out, a lot of hair. Got
a lot of three more hours to get the wig.
(34:00):
Don't know what you can do too. You can tell him,
you can tell him too, but it's a lot alright.
And you know Jake and Transpo. Oh, I do know Jake.
I know Jake too well, talk too well. Don't get
to know him too well because he will turn on you.
(34:20):
He will turn on you. What's this scar? Oh, that's
from that's from real life. I'd love to hear this story. Yeah, well,
I got cut up beating up a gang of Hey,
listen to me, all right, Look, I'm Bobby Flay. I'm
gonna flay everybody in this restaurant, right you, sir? You
so the beautiful hair, uh look sir, well you look
(34:42):
you for a fine steak dinner and you're gonna get that.
And I'm challenging you. Everyone wants to beat me, Well
fuck you. I'm gonna beat you first. I'm gonna cut you.
So you know who I am. You know who I am.
I've been a stuntman for forty years. You son of
a are you? And I nicked myself a little bit
(35:03):
well beating the ship out of Bobby Flay with a whip.
Oh well, I'll be able to cover that up with
just a little concealer. There you go to shame your
stunt man. You should be a star. Well, you know,
I get that a lot. But I like doing what
I do so nice to hear some scars, some scars,
(35:25):
so that's going to add it all time. But you
can say that we're say at one hour, well disappoint Okay,
that's why I got a metal plate in my head.
Oh I was feeling that. I didn't want to say anything.
It's sharp, that's all right, sets off all the alarms.
Can't fly anymore. Who wants to fly anyway? So if
I work out of town, they gotta gotta take me
(35:46):
in on a train. Tickets tickets right here. I gave
me my ticket. You'll have to step in front into
the thing again. Okay, I got a metal plate in
my head. Are you not security? Nazi security thought, she said,
(36:12):
Are you Nazi security? No, No, you sound like you are. No. No,
I just need okay, goddamn, I'm sorry security. Would you
mind going back through the metal detector. I haven't seen
you in well, just the old metal plate in my head.
(36:35):
I mean, I get it, but I'm gonna have to
have you. What I need you to do is clear
the rest of your body. If you don't mind bending
over and back and through. Sure, I'll clear the rest,
all right, and then we'll just keep your head on
the other side of this detector. Okay, we'll do that.
There's something in your I got a trick me, you know,
that's been replaced. No, that makes sense. I'm practically cyborg
(36:57):
at this. Would you mind? What I need you to
do is past all of the parts of your body
that are human. We're under a time crunch because I
got I gotta be on set. Well, I'm really I'm
gonna be on set in two hours. All right, Okay,
I just got I just went through hair and makeup,
and they told me to fly. They got me a ticket.
(37:19):
I'm supposed to fly to set. I know we're friends,
but you're not flying today. And that's how it goes.
Steve the pool Man, Oh that's what. Oh so much time.
It's better at the pool laws track. Our final scene
(37:40):
for the show comes from Simon new Road. I just
started listening to your podcast last week and was instantly
hook really enjoyed listening through old episodes. Wow, we've got
old episodes and already excited with new ones to come
out as well. I don't know everyone well enough to
comment on who should be nicer, meaner too, but will
(38:01):
say that James Cne looks a little bit like my father,
so I expect him at my next ball game. On
the scene suggestion, our brave adventurers have been traveling for
months in search of the Holy Grail. As their journey
nears its end, they soon realize that the Holy Grail
rest somewhere in the mall of America. Thanks for all
(38:24):
the wonderful episode, Simon. Mm hmm, my leash. We have
followed the map of the Crystal Sun. We know that
somewhere underneath its ground lies the catacombs of the Knights
of the Templates. They have the grail, then dig dig
Sir Charles, lady wants anywhere peasant. When we find the grail,
(38:48):
we will unite and take over. Excuse me, guys, excuse me?
Do you have a permit for digging this? This sermit
for digging? Digging the audacity? This is a parking lot.
So okay, let me see this. Good for you. That's
(39:08):
a scroll with the seal of the Pope that's written
in cursive. I can't read this. You can't read cursive
and read curses. I can't read cursive. Idiot, hasn't I
haven't seen cursive since I was in elementary school. Smell dagger,
Smell my dagger. How do you any idea how long
(39:30):
we've been journeying the blood of those who defied us earlier? Listen,
I run security for this small here, and if you
start digging, I'm going to get in trouble. So are
you going to get into trouble? Local night that then
there must be some king we can talk to. Who
do you work with? Oh is your liege? Well? I
work for I work for Black and Decker Security. We
(39:53):
must I don't think it's bring Black and Decker here,
two King just like in Sparta, an archaic lan. You
just got him the product peasant. Peasant, guys, if you
want honestly, there's a sewer captain in your mid Lady
(40:16):
and gentlemen, there's a sewer cap just over here. If
we go under, we can save the trouble. Can to
go to your home? We can't to meet Black and Ticka.
Bring us Black and Decca. You don't want to meet
my boss, Okay, you don't want to meet him. He's
a real hard ass. We have we have filled many
(40:36):
foul beasts on this questay, and we will fell many more.
Never stop felling. Okay, Well he's he's working security at
the arcade. I'll go get him right now. We shall
go with you, I wouldn't. You guys are not dressed
for good. Okay. So if it's up down, up down,
(40:56):
how do you go? Side by side? Just move it side, Jed. Yeah,
I've brought some people. They would like to they'd like
to do some digging out in the parking lot. This
is my boss, Jared. Be you black or be you deca?
Excuse me? Be you black or be you Decca. I
don't know your name, Lee, Oh your name Jared? It's Jared,
(41:19):
Jared of the Blacks of the Deckers, Jared of of Monterey, Monterey,
barely looks of age to be a king of any sort.
How did your father die? How did you become heir
to the throne? It was? He hasn't passed yet. But
where's your father? Then we will speak to him. He
(41:40):
works at the ace. Atto. I can't really leave my position, Jared,
I'll watch the arcade. But they have swords, she has
a dager. Do you mind just taking them? I don't.
I don't want to be part of this. I'm not
going to this larpin thing. Do you give us permission
to dig? Jared? Yeah, sure, you can't. Get Well, there
(42:03):
it is, there it is, and dig we sout? Okay,
well all right, well do you to start digging? Peasant? Peasant?
Where inside that temple, that massive white temple inside there
where all the people are going inside? Oh no, no, no,
no, no no, no, no no. You were going to dig
in the parking lot tells us to dig? Who talks
(42:28):
to God? You guys can't dig inside. It's cold heart steel,
so hollow, so hollow. Bless us all so we may
dig properly, bring out our swords are instruments up and
(42:49):
let us partake of the earth with daggers and swords,
bringing the earth to the sky and letting the sky.
I met us. We don't have you like a facial stop.
I'll give you a facial I keep some of the face.
(43:11):
I'll take some of that face. Uh. Yeah, we're genna.
Just a heads up for anybody's security on the floor.
We're getting reports that there's some who swords. Who's on
the channel. Uh, this is Tony. I'm just in the
booth with Jared. I I brought him. I brought the
guys to Jared and he let him. I mean, I'm
looking at the channel. This is Tim, Tim. Where are
(43:34):
you located? Well, I'm just outside of the We need
to update the goddamn binder. That's secondary. There's there's stabbing
people in the face. I think I don't know who
I'm talking to. Everybody's coming through on a channel. I
don't know who I'm talking to. You gotta get to
the right by the topic. Let's meet at the hot
topic downstairs. Yeah, but that's so far away from where
(43:56):
they're at there there by the the wall. Jacok Shaven,
who is this who? Jim, we need to do the water.
We don't. We're not supposed to touch from water. Yeah,
we we don't. We don't touch link down here, Javon
Cheffy Chevy. This is the This is security channel. Every
(44:20):
Chevy six channel six things is the security floor. Yeah,
I don't I don't know where services are Chevy. This
is this is security. I don't know, Chacho, Chevy, and
we need to get someone over to the front. Well,
this cutting people's faces off? This serious? Who is this?
This is Tony? We mean with this? Welcome to the gap?
(44:43):
Can I help you? Where are you from? Where are
you folks from England? Oh my goodness, he traveled all
the way. How are we to bridge this gap? How
how far across is the gap? And all their monsters
in the gap? It's just this one store in the
for kids on the other side. Children are being held here.
(45:04):
Oh yes, well not I mean they shouldn't be. But
sometimes the children, the children are in the gap or
on the other side of the gap. Well, a lot
of children are in the gap because oh my god,
you look like a medium. Thank you. He's not a psychic.
(45:25):
You can't it's not a psychic. I can talk to god,
I can tempt to doubt that. Please, I am starting
to doubt that very much that I think you might
look at fine all right, medium, what are you doing?
What are you doing? What are you doing? You're undermining
me in front of that woman? What are you that's
not a woman? Please, it's not a woman. I know
(45:46):
a woman when I smell a smell. This one is
safe foam, Thank you very nice? Yes, look at those
How does that look? You've been working out like that?
Is that something? Good? Are you? If you do? What? Jim?
Do you belong to? Sign up? Immediately? Tell us dressmaker?
(46:06):
What is this? Camp? Snoopy? Camp Snoopy? Well, I don't know.
There's a lot of kids that go on over there
side trying to stay away. That appears to be a
giant statue of a dog. Yeah, well that's Snoopy. And
the location of the grail, he's very Why do you
say that because ancient law has jumbling on't you? What
(46:27):
does no one know where the damp grail is? Ancient
law has it that a giant dog guarded the grail? Really? Yes?
Well then I take it back. Let's sake, do you
have these khakis in the thirty four. We certainly do.
Let me bring out two pairs. I'm sorry, do you
have kids here at the Snoopy the Snoopy Palace. No,
(46:48):
we have already bridged the gap. Kids. I'm so sorry.
You can't come in here. This is where we have.
This is a holding zone for children. It's a playpen.
We babysit well while parents go. We keep them safe.
So you can't come in here. What would you call
a plate in a holding zone? It's just technical term
to help you guys understand why we can't have it's
(47:08):
a prison. It's not a prison. You're in prisoning the child.
Look at them, they're having fun on the slide. We're
here to storm the gates. You can't come in here.
This is free, but we'll give you a facial. A facial.
That's right, we've done it before. Listen. I'm in charge
of making sure that when the parents come back for
these kids, that these kids talk to the faceless man
(47:28):
at belk. Yeah, okay, let the kids go. Now. You
say this is a polo, Yeah, that's right. Interesting, such
soft fabric. Straight, we'll just try it on. I think
it's going to fit perfectly. That's good that's good. You
(47:49):
know what, Before you put the polo on, let me
just ask you a couple of questions. You in town
as long as it takes to find the gray the
other customers means right now, you're always busy, my know when.
But this particular customer looks like mon is helping me.
She is sturdy, steward. I'm not a woman. I'm I'm
(48:15):
telling If this is what it takes, I'll be fun.
Don't do that to yourself. There weren't so much more
than that. I want him to do myself. Enjoy, enjoy,
Thank you. Clara's you look stupid in that shirt? What
did she say to me? Don't don't, don't even She
doesn't deserve all right, She's just a petty cock blockers.
(48:40):
You put on that pillow right now, Mr, and you
march back forward, back forward to one too confident. I
feel good, don't you? Lord child? What are you doing
in the fitting room? What are you with her? Then
told me to come into here and look for the grill,
(49:03):
and we just talk of a woman's face off. Tell
me tell me he doesn't look better without the chest plight?
What do you think something light us? Silhouette I'm not
right to it. How many items did you take into
this room? Must have rule? I mean I didn't know
if I needed something for fall. There's only five items.
Have you defied the laws of this land? Yes, I
(49:28):
have so be it. Take my nighthood, take my medium, miss.
But before you do that, let me get some shorts
for you. And I think, but nothing fits me right.
I would have a strange shape. Oh, I don't know
about that. I have a strange shape. I can't wear
jeans sleaves. I agree, who can and who should? Let's
put you there a nice little dress. Yeah yeah, let
(49:49):
me get a little summer number. Isn't she wonderful? What
do you mean? Yes, yes, fantastic. I thought not a woman,
but maybe a woman. Maybe a woman. I'm totally convinced.
I love her. I'm thinking about not going after the
grail and settling down, Lord Charles. I think it might
have an opportunity here at the gap. I really think
(50:11):
this could be a big thing for me. Huh. But
keep your mind on the prize. The prize of the
Grail could have any maiden of your choice, including Vaughan.
Now I haven't now, maybe it's a who important. Maybe
the journey for the grail is actually the grail itself. No,
because I don't have anything. But maybe because you're not
searching correctly, settling and finding your buddy, huh, finding that
(50:35):
thing that connects you the grounds you. Yeah, maybe that's
what the grail is. That can't be. No, we've been
on this quest for years and years. That would be
a disappointing finale. Grail, No grail, just you finding love
at the gap. Well, see how you feel like. You
put on these shorts and you try on the summer
tray right in your rooms, try them on. Let us
(50:57):
know what you think. Now, you to put you in
some pants, yes, we do, might take off the chair,
all right, yes, yes, all the real prosthetic dick on.
It is not an illusion. My penis was taken off
(51:17):
of the dragon emotion. V. You can't let people be
naked out here with prosthetic dicks on. That's why you
have to keep I'm sorry, you have to keep that
whole situation in behind the curtains. I'm getting in pants. Relax,
it's fine. It's a prosthetic penis, very lifelike, a little fist.
(51:40):
It's more security. Everybody puts their hands up. Everybody put
their hands up, drop the swords. I like these shorts
alight you you with with all the different kinds of
clothes off? Now look, just calm down. You could just
say the guy with the huge, weird penis. I didn't
(52:01):
want to say that, the guy with clothes when he's
naked with a steel penis touching the floor. Good call,
guy with penis touching the floor? Who are you talking
to you? Are you shore as anyone else on that?
Can you play it back off? I mean goodness? If
penis is dragging on the floor by its knuckle, are
missing faces out in the mall? And so you just
(52:22):
come by and shoot pap. These are the people that
were doing doing the face taken what you were there?
You were there local night. What what holds you in
that vial? That vial of perfume? This my penis? No no,
(52:45):
why would you throw it on that? Oh no? Oh
no shit, I'll get another. He's so free prosthetics. You
don't seem disappointed at all. You know, I have to
get used to the balance again. But it's there is
no holy grail here. You must leave. You're just keeping
(53:08):
the grail for yourself. No there's no grail here. There
must be as there's not a grail. Tommy, Yeah, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy,
right for coming into the opposite today. I just wanted
to go over a couple of things before the actual
police get here. Oh thank god. I wanted to get
three people shopping at the gap, and you barged in
(53:31):
and shot one of them. Well, I shot only one
of them. Everybody else that was hydrochloric acid. That's right
to the face. That's what I have here to one face,
one penis, and then somebody stepped into I'm sorry. It
was all written down the report. What I need to
know is why what set you off? Well, we don't
need to know for insurance reasons. Well, the number one
thing was that they were they opened up the children.
(53:53):
They have weapons, They had swords. They had swords, so no, oh, yes,
had swords. Wow, that's scary. So you thought you'd shoot them,
the people with the swords, and then throw hydro clark. Well,
I don't know how to use a sword, so even
if I was going to try to use a fair fight,
I would probably lose phrase drop the sword, the dust
cross your mind at all. I don't know for sure.
(54:15):
But I think that's what I said first, because we
have a video of it. Oh please don't play that video.
Let's go ahead and play all right, so you can
see that wasn't in reverse. I'm pretty sure, just based
on the words alone coming out correctly after you shot.
(54:36):
So when the police get here, are they gonna arrest
Timmy Tames tame spany, that's who you are? Send them
saying that correctly. That's a lot of trouble, my man, murder.
Are you sure that's not just a rumor? No, what
you gotta do on video? Play the video? Wait phrase, mother?
(55:00):
What are you doing your own sound effects? We can
hear you don't have to do that. Play it again,
Play it again? Well it's much less enjoyable. We don't
talk about the alright, let's rewind it. Play again. What
do you mean there's something wrong with the video? Well,
just I don't know if Elliott? Are you mad at me? Look, Dory,
I don't have time for this. Okay, okay, I said, Okay,
(55:25):
I'm not pushing it. You don't want to be. We
went to the amusement park. We sat in the same ride.
I mean, isn't that enough? I thought? He said? You know,
it's not over till we're buddies. And I don't feel
I'm vulnerable. You're not vulnerable. Can we be co workers
without being buddies? I I okay, okay, if that's how
you wanted to be. I just felt like in the
question you weren't even vibing with me. You know, all right,
(55:47):
fund you take the lead, You take the lead, and
I'll vibe. I'll vibe, okay, Timmy, Timmy Tames Tootles if
that is your name, he's stupid, punk ast, big mother fucker.
I'm just a security card. You know what you are?
A murderer, isn't that right? You little slut? Little look, oh,
(56:08):
you gotta come on your face, your little it's not come,
that's not come. Help. I don't even know how to
get an injury and with an accommodation and excellence in service.
The Dorian Dreen Doreen McCluskey. I want to say I'm
(56:34):
sorry for some of the things I've said in the
questioning room, but it's been my pleasure to serve and
an honor. And I got to give a special thanks
to my buddy Elliott Man, my buddy too. During you know,
We've had a lot of plays over the years, good Cop,
bad Cop. But when she went to come all over
your face, I knew exactly how to handle that and
(56:57):
we got the purpose, we got the purp. Yeah. Now
cutting the ribbon for the new library. They come on
your face Library? Is I never knew it was going
to leave the room. What happened in there? I never
thought it was going to leave the room. But snip,
(57:18):
is this the come on your face Library? Just it is.
We've heard tale that the grail is here. Copper smells
like coppers on any of that scene. Oh that's our
show for today's thank our ALCOMI is so nice to
have for the founding members together. Let's go to Vanessa
(57:41):
Raglan Please, Vanessa, thank you so much, thanks for having me.
What did youlight plume? Any adults live here? Zero zero today?
Uh Donny's Typewriter. Yeah, come check it out. We've got
a lot of great shows and if you're not in
l a um, you can still look at Instagram and
then when you come is it you can have the
popcorn so Dynasty Extraordinary calendar of events. Please go check
(58:04):
out at DYNA's d typewriter dot com. Thank you Craig
Atkowski at Kakowski on Twitter, see Kakowski on the Instagram's
and listen to or watch the new animated show Archibald's
Next Big Thing What the Hell on Netflix. I'm just
in a couple of episodes, but it's really fun, particularly
for kids like six to ten. It's Tony Ale created
(58:26):
this animated show, and I was lucky to do a
couple of voices on it. Well. Based on today's episodes
and content, I'm sure a lot of watching before before
they replaced my voice with somebody pore suitable. James Jeeney,
So nice to have you back in the saddle. It's
great to feedback in the Saddle. Beer supply second and
fourth Wednesdays at the west Side Comedy Theater. First Sundays
(58:48):
of the month at the West Side Comedy Theater. We
had thank you for reminding we had a live show.
Uh this is airing quite a bit afterwards and first
Sunday of every month, but it went great our first
show on September first, I'm gonna keep saying first, so
thanks for reminding me. Yeah, first Sunday of every month
(59:08):
for in Los Angeles, specifically the Santa Monica area, the
West Side Comedy Theater. Yeah, very excited about that. Will
you beat the next one? I will not miss another
one until next fall. I my plans. I killed me
to see that. There were so many people having so
much fun and I wasn't there. It was packed house
where you were missed. I'm glad that I was missed.
(59:30):
You know who was there, Joey Greer. I was there
and and tell everyone how it went. People going, where's James,
So he's not here and they were like, yeah, they're
faking Oh no no, but there was rice. We had
to push people away because they were so upset you
weren't there. That's not bad news. Yeah, I don't they
hurt people. So at Jeffy Greeber At Jeffy Greeber on
(59:52):
Instagram all the shows I posted that we're doing, so
just check it out. Uh. We're also gonna be working
on the Grand Feet apparently to look forward to some
serious updates. Our own Doug Bang. We had a conversation
prior to the show, and he's ready to kick some
ass and help out, and Joe you're gonna step up
as well. All right, Well that's all we need to
(01:00:12):
hear and let's like Doug Bam. Shall we thank you
so very much our post sound design artist Raphael Breed,
our producer Sophie Liechterman's of course, I heart radio. I
encourage all of you to write a review. Please tell
everyone you've ever met and write to us with a scene,
(01:00:32):
suggestion or just a comment. Your name here, lock me
this dot com. That's your name here, and locked me
this dot com. Once again, I'm Kevin Pollock, That Kevin Bald.
Until next time,
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy that I'm your host.
Kevin Pollock. Yes, that Kevin Pollock. What's that? Well, I'll
tell you this. That kind of attitude is gonna land
you in the slammer, so watch your ass, boy, But
I digress. Let's meet o rockamists, shall we? And overlook
killer orders? Say hello, but that's a ragolamination. How old
is your son? He? Please tell me again what he
(00:24):
said as he entered my home five years old. We're
coming the gate and he's like, this is beautiful, right?
How many adults live here? Many adults? Why do you
think that number was in his head? When I said too,
he was shocked. The train is definitely not leaving the
(00:45):
station now because Joey Greer's here too. Joemy, like we
know each other. How many corners of the world have
you been to? And which ones? Please? Well? First off,
the world is flat and corners. I've been to six
of the corners. Sex, okay, which one was your favorite? Probably? Yeah?
(01:06):
Top left was a great already checked out? Wash your
shoes and say what the hell did Greg Kikowski were
in Los Angeles? Do you go if your favorite French fries?
You know, I never get tired of in and ounce
fries really damn good. And you make a manimal style
like you tried five guys fries with the skin still
(01:27):
on double cooked. Nope, I'm not gonna work there, all
right there, all right, it's not your cup of tea.
I got it. I got it like thin thin, no fat. Uh.
And last, but least if you can do, but least
(01:47):
you can do is help me. Welcome back, James Heeny,
I thank you, Dr Hey, will see you now. When
was your last complete physical? And what did you think
of during the prostate exam? Well, I'll tell you the
honest truth. I haven't been to a real doctor in
almost twenty years. But I did go to the pot doctor.
Wait wait, yeah, I gotta break down. Yeah sorry, uh,
(02:12):
real doctor doctor. So what is that? Well, it means
that I wanted back before it was legal to get
a card to smoke marijuana legally, and I went to
a pot doctor. Just a brief conversation and then you
can take your blood pressure and then and then this
guy suggests and astate exam. Well I don't know if
that was an exam that he fingered me. And uh,
(02:33):
and he did say you know he should go to
a real doctor. Your blood pressure is going crazy and
every year I'm really well. He said that I have
high blood pressure, sure, and he can see that on
a one of those things in your arm. I'm like,
come on, well, one of those things on your arm
is actually sign Yeah, I guess basically a floaty device
(02:59):
and you have a nice sash, but inside there's a
lot of issues. Yeah, there's always a cast physical of course,
we all know before you started working on a thing. Well, Joey,
listen up, and uh so what it's really the single
most bullshit exam ever. I mean, it's like your temperature
(03:21):
and and stethoscope to your heart and I don't even
think blood pressure really, And then there's always like a
questionnaire you have to fill out. It's all about have
you been denied insurance on a production because of a
drug problem, which is really the only reason you're there.
And uh I went into one of them with like
a really bad cold, and I said, should I do
(03:41):
like a silence thing where? And he said, yeah, you
should talk to a doctor, are you quote? And this
is a doctor with a plaque of the wall and
just autography test. He might have been a pot doctor.
It sounds all this is to be four because I'm
a hundred and five. Alright, let's get to our first
show me all. Today's scene suggestions or gathered from our
(04:02):
listener emails. If you'd like to submit yours, please write
to the podcast at your name here at alchemy this
dot com. And I would also encourage you now to
write a review. We've gotten some amazing reviews since our
own James Heeney uh pleaded with you to please step
it up on the review because we really need your
support out there, and the best way to get the
word out there and the multiplies is by writing a review.
(04:23):
So please, if you like to show at all, if
you do not think it stinks, then write us a review.
Stop listening right now and go write a review again.
Write your scene suggestions to your name here at alchemy
this dot com. Our first scene suggestion comes from a
listener named Hank, who wrote, Hey, y'all love the podcast.
I'd love to hear what you would do with this.
(04:46):
Jimmy Jack James Heeney gets interrogated by aggressive cops FBI,
d E, A, et cetera for a crime he simply
did not commit, though he can't convince them otherwise. Thanks
for making such wonderful content, Hank. Look, James is inside there, Okay,
I need to talk to him. You need to talk
to him. Okay. I don't know what he's been helpful.
(05:07):
I don't know why he's in there, ma'am, ma'am please, yes?
Can I get you something? A coffee of water. I
don't want to coffee water. No, I don't want boost
coffee water down down. I don't want to need downdowns
or ups ups. I need my James E James, Okay,
get him now? Would be a great time to sign
up for a dating site. Man. Yeah, she's got a
good point. What do you say he's going to be there?
(05:27):
And definitely I don't about it, definitely, But have you
been on Tinda? Have that? Tell me? And James Matt okay,
so you don't mind it, Corey mind. I just wanted
to find somebody in James swipe and left because Julia
and I were talking about earlier. This doesn't mean giving
a percentage basis number hot little piece like you my ballpark?
(05:52):
Yeah park before James? Is that normal? Is a gal
on the bad? There's no there's no bad was a
little horsh. No, you can't say that. I can't say that.
I can say you wipe on. Everybody got as yeah, yeah,
(06:18):
So Jimmy Jack, James Heeney, you can just call me James.
How many of those are your real names? Just well,
the beginning and the ending, the elphat Jimmy, Well, I'd
really rather there James Heeney, but Jimmy Jack, James Heeney. Well,
when I was born, people called me Jimmy because I
(06:38):
was a baby, and as I got more and more adults,
Jimmy because you were a baby. I mean it was
it was like that you call a kid Jimmy. Most
adults have to get a grown up name at some point. Jimmy, Jimmy.
I need you to get up and brush your teeth. Okay,
all right, I will. It's your second birthday and you're
speaking a lot, which is impressive. But we need you
(07:01):
to brush those teeth. Okay. And as soon as you
brush them, baby, no more Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy's gone. You'll
be James. Today's the day. If you can brash your teeth,
you're not Jimmy anymore. No help. So what's the first,
Jimmy's let's brush your way, Jimmy. What's the first thing
we get tooth? Paint down? Brush? This isn't gonna horror.
(07:24):
You got another year, Jimmy, We got another year, Jimmy. Hey, Jimmy,
welcome to the Social Security Office. We just needed to
make sure that you're ready to take the name James
and drop Jimmy if you're an adult. Okay, okay, how
I feel like I'm pretty close to ready make contact
with Okay, alright, stop playing around things on my desk.
What is this? This looks like it depends. It's different
(07:44):
color pens. If I push the difference? You just what
you weren't sure that that was a pen? Well, there's
just so many colors to choose from with one pen. Okay, Jimmy, Okay,
Now we're gonna ask you some questions. Okay, and we'll
go from there. Okay, Okay. You're driving forty on the highway.
You're making a left turn of semi trucks in your
rear view mirror. How much time do you give before
you make the turn? Oh god, I have no idea
immediately okay, all right. You have two dependents, one of
(08:08):
which is older than you, one of which is younger.
If you're making four dollars a year, half of that
goes to the government. Why, oh my god, what's the
undn't what's it? Okay? I'm sorry, we just denied your
claim to be called I'm sorry. So you're here for
social security fraud. I don't think this is correct, honestly
(08:28):
and illegal left hand turn? Well yeah, I mean it's
I thought you could go red red take a left
if you stopped murder. No, that can't be true. That's
what I have down here. No, let me see that paper.
I can't let that. Sorry, I gave you one of
the wrong papers. Okay, can see one of these papers
is wrong here, it's the it's the left hand turn.
(08:51):
When I got that? Guy? Oh good, good, close it.
H hell, I love being an Is it possible? Hey?
Uh stand Starry shout you interrupt? That's all right. I
think I might have written rumor wrong. I think I
wrote murder. Okay, yeah, yeah, all right, you're here for
attempted rumor. Okay, I think that this What if the
(09:15):
hell is going on in the office? Huh? We got
papers being misfiled, people misspelling the murder started this buddy
cop system. We're buddying up, but the buddy system doesn't
work because we're not we're not communicating, we're not buddy
all right, goddamn everyone, that's it. Everyone off. Sorry, we're
taking the day off and everyone's going to the park
(09:36):
and buddying up. Okay, I want us to become best friends.
Elliott still my buddy. Yes, he's mad at me the paper.
I don't care. Well, you can you help us? Okay
before we go to the theme park. You're not right
with her? See, Elliot is mad at me. You want
me to take your gundamn badges and your gun right now,
(09:58):
gonna push me out of the law fell Listen, I
wouldn't push your tickets. It's too hot. The Michael Man right,
all right, you're gonna get on that. You're gonna gun
damn joining someone taking fucking j T and okay, I'm
not gonna have that guy just new News. Oh yeah,
he's going with you. Come on, all right, Manetti's going
We're going to take him done Disneyland, Disneyland, disney Shman.
(10:21):
I don't give a hell. All right, you got two
tickets and that's hit. What are you doing today? Sarge,
I'm collecting myself. I recently was emancipated from my family.
Oh man, and I just your choice? Are there's it was?
It was both mutual emancipation, your parents or your children.
All so, uh, I'm the mutual emancipation can be very satisfying. Yeah,
(10:45):
Elliott's trying to get out of this buddy system thing again.
Let's just let's just all focus up. It seems unfair
you're emancipated and we have to be buddies. Yeah, because
you're on the clock. Oh okay, when do we get
off the clock when we go to Disneyland in your buddies?
All right? Feels like time for a montage? Montage? Done, done,
(11:12):
then done? Hi put the cuffs on him? Yeah? I
don't know if I need cuffs. Everybody everybody down, everybody down,
I'm too tall to ride the ride. Hide under my dress?
(11:34):
That sneaking. These aren't my shoes. Can I take the
cuffs off of this ride? I feel like I'm sticking
out like a sore thumb. Everybody thinks, hey, do you
want to ride it? Don't you? I do? But everybody's
looking at me like a convict. So we should put
(11:56):
a jacket over your wrist like it's a purp walk.
Just take the cuffs off. Where am I to run
in the middle of a ride? Everywhere? But loose? What? Everywhere?
But look, I mean that makes sense, but I mean
over here, great name. Come on, guys, it's fun to
raise your hands above your head and scream on a ride,
all right, just for that reason. So you can put
(12:18):
your hands over your head and scream and ashamed of
looking like a convict, you better be raising your hands
and screaming constantly. Inappropriate times are just at the tops
of hills. I'll tell you what. When he gets on
the ride, take up. Okay, guys, thank you so much.
All right, Well, okay, so everyone in this road, you're
gonna be in the front center. You're gonna see it all.
You're gonna need to sit with him. That's my buddy. Okay, okay, man,
(12:41):
would you mind just getting up? All right? So I
got you to see you here next to each other
and just have fun, all right, no matter. Please keep
your hands inside the ride at all times. Questions, Yes,
why our hands inside the red well, we have razors
on top of the ride, so they're gonna yes, So
don't raise your hands. This is the hair utter. So
when you go through this rise is gonna cut your
(13:02):
hair just a little bit. So if you raise your hands,
it's gonna chop. I saw the name. I didn't think
we were actually getting a haircut. Huh yeah. So all
the photos that you saw at the different heights, how
does it? Yeah, I'm the I'm the tallest one. Well
you better, okay, so I alright, guys now now wait
for the bars just fall down to bring our guns on?
(13:22):
Excuse me? Can we bring our guns on? Cups were
law enforcement? Of course? Of course not. This man's been arrested.
He's under a supervision, attempted rumor and a few other charges.
We'd like to take the cuffs off so he could
raise his hands and scream. And I've decided I don't
want to raise my hands. You're raising him, buddy boy.
(13:46):
I don't think this is fair. It doesn't matter what
you think. It's not a fair. It's a theme bar.
That's right, excellent point. Do you want to County Fair
with your final cakes? I'm gonna loose my hands. Hell's
go on? Oh my god? Okay, all right, well there
police officers. Okay, So let's get the ride going. Everyone
(14:09):
clup with me. Now, get the right going? Ride going on?
Just a second, just check sure? Yeah, her gun? Real question,
it's making a strange sound. I don't know if you've noticed.
When you're sure that was my mouth, the silencer on
the gun, but my mouth. I still it's just somebody.
Why isn't the ride going? My body has been shot?
(14:32):
All right, let's get the ride going. Okay, here we go, alright,
have fun. I really think this is inappropriate. All right,
but they are up up off my head, they really are. Okay,
this is fun, this is fun. Here we go. Guys,
(14:57):
if you want to confession on me, you're not gonna
get it. Who won't he? Why did you do it?
I didn't. I think it was. I thought I was
in an escape Answer the questions correctly and we can
put your hands down. Okay, okay. I thought it was
an escape room. I had no idea that it was
a real bank, And once I got into the vault,
it was it seemed like I was waiting, what are
(15:19):
you talking about? What you attempted a rumor? I don't
know it's gonna put my hands down, please say you
down there and shut the ride down for a second.
Shut the ride down? What shut it down? I'll shoot
you in the face. I can't hear it. As you
can clearly see from the photo taken from it's a haircut.
(15:41):
It's a small haircut. Whatever the name of the ride is. Okay,
my client had his hands. Thank you. I'm not done yet, okay,
thank you, thank you. And as we can see that
he was forced to honors are a question anywhere near
in our future. My first day in the boost, I'm
(16:03):
asking if the defense attorney could could please offer here
to sustain sustained? What him? That's whole courtrooms. Somebody's a fan.
They're just watching movies. Yes, that's alright. My coin was
forced to give that testimony and he was under dress
(16:25):
and Elliott uh, Samantha objection. These are just names. Are
on earth, sustain. I just want the court to know
that my client, Jimmy Jack James Heeney, is innocent. Overruled. Okay,
and so it's seen one al right is fan freaking testing.
(16:53):
Two comes us today from Steve, who wrote, Hello, Hagness,
my name is Steve. I'm a huge fan of you,
especially she reminds me of Lauren. I would like to
quote the whistle direction Jeffrey Poker in the movie to
Have Happy Now. Steve goes on, I'm a fifty five
(17:21):
year old pool man or pool person that's been in
the industry for thirty five years, so I think I
know a little bit about everything. I listened too many
podcasts during that checks out Alchemy. This cracked me up.
My client, My clients must wonder why I'm laughing while working.
(17:43):
Being able to make people laugh and give us joy
as a real gift, So thank you. My suggestion takes
place at a Hollywood party a listers like you, Kevin Well,
that's a sad party when the guests realized that their
pool guy holds all the answers to questions, desires, and problems.
Can I get a drink? Yes? Would you like the
(18:05):
lacka bourbon vodka bourbon shaking? We want? Then? I don't
want to chicken just done? Neat neat? Okay, uh getting
bourbon into a glass, but Jesus lay off him? Would
you like that? Started at a party? All right, Linda,
I'm sorry, I'll just go kill myself. I'm gonna go
kill myself. Everyone enjoy the party. I'm useless. No drama there.
(18:29):
What do you drinking, Linda? Come on, what am I drinking? Water?
That's all? Should like? Another water? Water, night shaken glass.
You fill that glass to the brim with vodka. Okay,
I'm not drinking right now, got it? Okay, so no vodka.
(18:50):
What the are you doing? I don't fill the glass
to the broom with vodka. I'm not drinking right now.
So so just water. You're not drinking. I'm winking. You're drinking,
or wink. Look I'm winking at you when I'm saying
(19:12):
that to look like I'm drinking water. You a little idiots. Okay,
here's some you know what, here's a glass of water.
Here's a class of vodka, a dealer's choice. Oh, thank
you so much, honey, Lary, Linda, what a delight. He
look fantastic. Well, thank you. I just got back from
the Hamptons. I didn't know if it was the Caymans
(19:32):
the Hamptons. I wasn't the Caymans before that. So I
got a tan and then I worked it off in
the Hampton. It's so fun to be at a party.
That's all a listers for a change. All right, you
smell like lobster roll. That's right. I rubbed a lobster
roll all over my face before coming here. That's a
(19:54):
new thing. Yes, lobster boy. Can I get a drink? Yes?
Can I get a hennessyn hard to read us? Served
in a man's loafer? Yes, sir, okay, thank you? So
tell us about the hamp ums this time lunching again
at Bobby Flays. Everyone was there play. I'd let Bobby Flay.
(20:17):
He brought his rips out. You're saying he cut you open?
He did? He cut me open. I still have an
open wound in my back. I need to put salve
on it every half hour. Coming to you, Dounce you
got you gotta tell me about this. I'm at this party,
at the kid's birthday party. There's a bunch of kids
(20:39):
that we're doing this story. And our son overheard your son,
Chad say to another boy, I'm so sorry I heard
your father's picture didn't open. Now they're celebrating a nine
year old birthday. Is this really the kind of conversation?
First of all, I barely know, I said, right, maybe
(21:03):
a couple of times a year. Should we talk to
the nanny about this? Friend dresser Carl I need more loafers.
I'm running out of loafers for the Hennessy Margarita loafer. Okay,
it's a signature, it's a drink. I need some more loafers.
These loafers are from you know, our boss. We can't
(21:23):
just be using his loafers. We're gonna get in trouble. Listen,
I've got I've got some water shoes. Water shown in
the poolhouse. But they're gonna just soak right through. Fine
whatever anything works where they're coming, sir, I can't find
any of them. I got an idea, give him water
(21:45):
shoes and call them loafers. Will use the loafers as
the cups, because that's what you're doing, right. Yes, it's
a signature drink. Of course, what's going on? Why do
you know that, dude know a little bit about everything? Obviously,
I'm a pool jo. You know you're dogging and a
working Sorry but that, sorry, but here replaced the loafers
(22:06):
with these water shoes. Used the loafers for the drinks. Okay,
all right? Do you smell like chlorine? It's kind of
goes with the job. It's not bad smell, just like
thank you here you are sir, your your drink? Oh,
thank god, finally sorry? Right, yeah, can I get another
(22:29):
round place? Oh? Surprise, surprise, surprise. Have you ever had
an affair? Have you ever had an affair? Question? I
have how to go? Yeah? I was Okay, go ahead.
I destroyed a family. What does that mean? Things are talking?
(22:50):
We set a thermonuclear device inside the household and we
released it. Yeah, we destroyed the family. It got weird.
I mean, man, that's what we did. We did We
destroyed the sideways fast. So can I just say that
this loafer is wonderful? By the way, Like, where did
you find these? Like they're imported? This is so good.
(23:11):
Chad's impressed. I'm impressed. If Chad's impressed, I'm impressed. Can
I have a loafer? Make it too? Thank you? Guys,
had a little drink today? Today's today? Okay, uh chat?
Look you know him? Okay, I'm Brad Pitt. All right,
you know me, Chad, Brad? What are you doing in
my house hold? On a second, Okay, I heard you
(23:33):
got some loafer. I want to be involved. I know
it's gonna be a big hit, it's probably gonna be
a movie. I want it. I'm Brad Pitt. Chad you
know me? Also, Leonardo DiCaprio. You need to stop doing this. Okay,
we'll just show up and say our names. Yes, you
know who I am. I'm Brad Pitt. Come okay, yes,
(23:57):
I thought you go to bed? What a bad kid?
You live with your family? I try to avoid it
whenever I can. So what is it like being on
the A minus list? Guys? Well, that's why we're here,
trying to work your way up to that level of
stardom that's so big. Nobody knows who the funk we are. Look,
(24:20):
I've just been racking my brain. How do I get
to the next level? I don't know where to go
and who to turn to. I just start by working
on your body. Leo, shut the hell out? What are
you six? Now? Nice neck beard? Just son um a bitch? Okay,
I don't even start with me. No no, no, no, no,
no no, no, okay, I'm up to here. I'm a
minus Alright, I'm freaking out. Who's that guy dancing by
(24:41):
the pool? Who's like, guys, that's the pool guy, not
pool hypnotic. Don't you go introduce yourself? Maybe he knows
who you are. Oh yeah, yeah, dancing himself happy dancing
since it's I didn't see you there. I've been here
for a while, breeding Paris. I didn't think anybody would
(25:03):
have noticed I was dancing. How can they not? What
a light me? I'm Brad Pitt. I know who you are.
Do you know my movies? Yeah? Named them Golden Stones,
pulp fiction. Uh, I'm just a big fan. I'm big fan. Uh.
First time meeting you, though, I don't know if you remember,
(25:24):
well you wouldn't. Gosh, I'm so embarrassed. Were you about
to say, remember what this is the first time meeting right? Well,
I was gonna say you don't remember meeting me before
because the time my first time. Oh god, I get
so tongue tied when I meet somebody as big as
the stars as you, Mr. Butli, I'm a minus. You
(25:46):
know what. I've been telling everybody they can't get in
the pool because I just recently treated it. But truth this, this,
it's been good for about an hour. I'm just overly cautious.
If you want to be the first guy in the pool,
go yeah, I don't see why I dip would hurt?
I mean, like, really, we should probably give it another
(26:06):
couple of hours. But that's just what they say. My skin,
oh god, is melting off. I'm a guy who played
Jack Golden Stones. Yeah, jeez, I think he's dead. No,
he's not dead, he's just floating. I'm not gonna touch
(26:27):
I mean you touch his temperature? Pull boy? Okay, well,
could somebody hand me that pulse for fox touching that water?
It's melting skin, thank you. I want his face. You
can't have his face unless it falls off, has already
come off his Okay, you can have the pieces that
drip off, you can have the pieces that trip. Well
(26:51):
I'm taking you. Don't call me that in front of
these people. Fine, all right, Just anybody know how to
didn't do anything. I es how I thought we could take.
Hear the commotion over the fence, sound travels and these
(27:11):
hos of Hollywood. Oh my god, it's you know, God,
I don't think it's as bad as it. Oh my god. Sorry, La.
We were sorry to disturb you and and save that man,
(27:35):
Oh god alive. Okay, guys, I think we should turn.
We're gonna the pool is off limits. I'm a pool
guy and I and I and you're killing people. Is
that what I'm hearing you know what you know? It
turns out I think I used hydro chloric hy I
(27:57):
thought it was chlorine. I only saw how long have
you paid a pool man? Fifteen years? Chat? God, damn it,
you just killed bred Pitt. We needed me, was going
to be the star's next feature. I need somebody else.
I need somebody else. I need somebody that people are
gonna love mainly and Nardotte the damn fine, I'll do it.
(28:20):
You need me to play Jack Golden Stones in the
sequel to Golden Stones. One guy, you can't act. You
need someone to cut you up. Who's that man pasting
and dancing behind? Oh? That that pool boy over there?
That's what the hell? Who the hell is he? You
know him? Yes, he was the one to burn bred
Pitt and Lauren. But call a live party down. I
have microphones in here recording everything. But he is magnetic.
(28:42):
Maybe he can teach me something about acting. You're there,
pool boy? Who me? Yes, Look, I'm an a list star,
but not an actor. I need some coaching to appear
in a big blockbuster movie Golden Stones to the Return
of the Stones. I've seen that movie. Well to interrupt, um,
(29:09):
I am Mr Flanks assistant. But there's just something wrong, Rebecca. No,
not at all. Um. I was just going to tell
Chad that I thought you were actually asking for the
pool Way to be in the film, not to coach
him to be in the film. Okay, I wanted my
bad though up. Okay, anyone care for pigs on a blanket?
(29:36):
Get out of here. As a pool guy, I've kind
of got the jack of all trades, so I could coach,
I could act, I could as a pool guy. No,
I would typically act as something other than a pool guy.
I'd like to transform into it. I mean, as a
pool guy, you're a jack of all trains? Absolutely, have
you not? Or I see what kind of range you got?
(29:58):
My well, as asked me, where you want the range
to get up to? All right? Can you ride a horse? Well? Sure? Sure?
Is it a real horse or is it one of
the ones with the stick and uh the head part
pops out of this so that you can Are you
on pills or something? Boy, it's a real horse, a
real horse. Dear lord, are you all right? Do you
(30:20):
think that people ride hobby horses in Hollywood films? Is
that not what happens? Like? Alright? We're set roll on
about five minutes. You guys get actually could we hold?
I don't think I can actually ride that horse. I
did not think maybe we should have a training session.
I thought, is there anybody that can help me? Let's
just figure it out on the fly. I don't want
(30:41):
to get out of horse to return with the stones
seen seventeen Take one. I love being out. I'm for it.
It's just like I can't keep this horse still staying
(31:04):
your Oh god, what's happy that? That? Horses burning up?
Oh God, what's that? What did you do? What did
you do? God? This wasn't my fault. This wasn't my fault.
I had a small bottle of perfume. My thought was colorine.
(31:25):
It's it's a cent that a lot of people from Peter.
Why is this horse's bones melted? Oh god, it's not
a real horse. It's mechanical. It's a happy horse. Yes,
it's a mechanical like they did in the original Gildstones.
Filmy know, use real horses. No animals will be here, Okay,
I will be in the tent. But thanks for running
over absolutely, thank you so much for covering for me. Listen,
(31:50):
you got three shots at this and the first one
went up in flames. All right, we got another horse
for you. Will Maybe a horse is probably bad idea.
I don't know. Here, you should hold this bottle of
well it's obviously not chlorine. Yeah, no, I'm happy to
hold it. Oh my god, do you think maybe there's
(32:26):
a stunt person that could could I point to who
I want you to kill on the set, or you're
just gonna random take up? It's I can only kill
it random. I'm so sorry. Right right, well, listen, you're
a tough onumbre. How about your stunt doubles step in.
It's not too big of a deal. Alright, I'd be
happy to do the show. Head on over to hair
and makeup. Alright, listen, why don't you take a seat
(32:49):
anywhere that people aren't around, and we'll let you know
when we're gonna do you close. You've got a great
out of hair. Cover this up with a wig. No,
it's a shame, it really is. How long you've been
growing this growing up for about twenty years. It's just gorgeous.
Thank you. Oh and I gotta put a wig on it.
Oh no, it really is bumming me out. What what
(33:12):
show you've been working on lately. Oh, I was working
on Skimbo, which is on one of those phone platforms, right, yeah,
Miriam's and then Teah, you know Miriam. Oh my god, ohson,
whatever I hear in here, I won't tell any horse.
(33:33):
So it looks like he's killed another horse. This this
lead gay, there's a horse murder going on. Well, I
think he used to just covering in your hair. You
try to work those out, a lot of hair. Got
a lot of three more hours to get the wig.
(34:00):
Don't know what you can do too. You can tell him,
you can tell him too, but it's a lot alright.
And you know Jake and Transpo. Oh, I do know Jake.
I know Jake too well, talk too well. Don't get
to know him too well because he will turn on you.
(34:20):
He will turn on you. What's this scar? Oh, that's
from that's from real life. I'd love to hear this story. Yeah, well,
I got cut up beating up a gang of Hey,
listen to me, all right, Look, I'm Bobby Flay. I'm
gonna flay everybody in this restaurant, right you, sir? You
so the beautiful hair, uh look sir, well you look
(34:42):
you for a fine steak dinner and you're gonna get that.
And I'm challenging you. Everyone wants to beat me, Well
fuck you. I'm gonna beat you first. I'm gonna cut you.
So you know who I am. You know who I am.
I've been a stuntman for forty years. You son of
a are you? And I nicked myself a little bit
(35:03):
well beating the ship out of Bobby Flay with a whip.
Oh well, I'll be able to cover that up with
just a little concealer. There you go to shame your
stunt man. You should be a star. Well, you know,
I get that a lot. But I like doing what
I do so nice to hear some scars, some scars,
(35:25):
so that's going to add it all time. But you
can say that we're say at one hour, well disappoint Okay,
that's why I got a metal plate in my head.
Oh I was feeling that. I didn't want to say anything.
It's sharp, that's all right, sets off all the alarms.
Can't fly anymore. Who wants to fly anyway? So if
I work out of town, they gotta gotta take me
(35:46):
in on a train. Tickets tickets right here. I gave
me my ticket. You'll have to step in front into
the thing again. Okay, I got a metal plate in
my head. Are you not security? Nazi security thought, she said,
(36:12):
Are you Nazi security? No, No, you sound like you are. No. No,
I just need okay, goddamn, I'm sorry security. Would you
mind going back through the metal detector. I haven't seen
you in well, just the old metal plate in my head.
(36:35):
I mean, I get it, but I'm gonna have to
have you. What I need you to do is clear
the rest of your body. If you don't mind bending
over and back and through. Sure, I'll clear the rest,
all right, and then we'll just keep your head on
the other side of this detector. Okay, we'll do that.
There's something in your I got a trick me, you know,
that's been replaced. No, that makes sense. I'm practically cyborg
(36:57):
at this. Would you mind? What I need you to
do is past all of the parts of your body
that are human. We're under a time crunch because I
got I gotta be on set. Well, I'm really I'm
gonna be on set in two hours. All right, Okay,
I just got I just went through hair and makeup,
and they told me to fly. They got me a ticket.
(37:19):
I'm supposed to fly to set. I know we're friends,
but you're not flying today. And that's how it goes.
Steve the pool Man, Oh that's what. Oh so much time.
It's better at the pool laws track. Our final scene
(37:40):
for the show comes from Simon new Road. I just
started listening to your podcast last week and was instantly
hook really enjoyed listening through old episodes. Wow, we've got
old episodes and already excited with new ones to come
out as well. I don't know everyone well enough to
comment on who should be nicer, meaner too, but will
(38:01):
say that James Cne looks a little bit like my father,
so I expect him at my next ball game. On
the scene suggestion, our brave adventurers have been traveling for
months in search of the Holy Grail. As their journey
nears its end, they soon realize that the Holy Grail
rest somewhere in the mall of America. Thanks for all
(38:24):
the wonderful episode, Simon. Mm hmm, my leash. We have
followed the map of the Crystal Sun. We know that
somewhere underneath its ground lies the catacombs of the Knights
of the Templates. They have the grail, then dig dig
Sir Charles, lady wants anywhere peasant. When we find the grail,
(38:48):
we will unite and take over. Excuse me, guys, excuse me?
Do you have a permit for digging this? This sermit
for digging? Digging the audacity? This is a parking lot.
So okay, let me see this. Good for you. That's
(39:08):
a scroll with the seal of the Pope that's written
in cursive. I can't read this. You can't read cursive
and read curses. I can't read cursive. Idiot, hasn't I
haven't seen cursive since I was in elementary school. Smell dagger,
Smell my dagger. How do you any idea how long
(39:30):
we've been journeying the blood of those who defied us earlier? Listen,
I run security for this small here, and if you
start digging, I'm going to get in trouble. So are
you going to get into trouble? Local night that then
there must be some king we can talk to. Who
do you work with? Oh is your liege? Well? I
work for I work for Black and Decker Security. We
(39:53):
must I don't think it's bring Black and Decker here,
two King just like in Sparta, an archaic lan. You
just got him the product peasant. Peasant, guys, if you
want honestly, there's a sewer captain in your mid Lady
(40:16):
and gentlemen, there's a sewer cap just over here. If
we go under, we can save the trouble. Can to
go to your home? We can't to meet Black and Ticka.
Bring us Black and Decca. You don't want to meet
my boss, Okay, you don't want to meet him. He's
a real hard ass. We have we have filled many
(40:36):
foul beasts on this questay, and we will fell many more.
Never stop felling. Okay, Well he's he's working security at
the arcade. I'll go get him right now. We shall
go with you, I wouldn't. You guys are not dressed
for good. Okay. So if it's up down, up down,
(40:56):
how do you go? Side by side? Just move it side, Jed. Yeah,
I've brought some people. They would like to they'd like
to do some digging out in the parking lot. This
is my boss, Jared. Be you black or be you deca?
Excuse me? Be you black or be you Decca. I
don't know your name, Lee, Oh your name Jared? It's Jared,
(41:19):
Jared of the Blacks of the Deckers, Jared of of Monterey, Monterey,
barely looks of age to be a king of any sort.
How did your father die? How did you become heir
to the throne? It was? He hasn't passed yet. But
where's your father? Then we will speak to him. He
(41:40):
works at the ace. Atto. I can't really leave my position, Jared,
I'll watch the arcade. But they have swords, she has
a dager. Do you mind just taking them? I don't.
I don't want to be part of this. I'm not
going to this larpin thing. Do you give us permission
to dig? Jared? Yeah, sure, you can't. Get Well, there
(42:03):
it is, there it is, and dig we sout? Okay,
well all right, well do you to start digging? Peasant? Peasant?
Where inside that temple, that massive white temple inside there
where all the people are going inside? Oh no, no, no,
no, no no, no, no no. You were going to dig
in the parking lot tells us to dig? Who talks
(42:28):
to God? You guys can't dig inside. It's cold heart steel,
so hollow, so hollow. Bless us all so we may
dig properly, bring out our swords are instruments up and
(42:49):
let us partake of the earth with daggers and swords,
bringing the earth to the sky and letting the sky.
I met us. We don't have you like a facial stop.
I'll give you a facial I keep some of the face.
(43:11):
I'll take some of that face. Uh. Yeah, we're genna.
Just a heads up for anybody's security on the floor.
We're getting reports that there's some who swords. Who's on
the channel. Uh, this is Tony. I'm just in the
booth with Jared. I I brought him. I brought the
guys to Jared and he let him. I mean, I'm
looking at the channel. This is Tim, Tim. Where are
(43:34):
you located? Well, I'm just outside of the We need
to update the goddamn binder. That's secondary. There's there's stabbing
people in the face. I think I don't know who
I'm talking to. Everybody's coming through on a channel. I
don't know who I'm talking to. You gotta get to
the right by the topic. Let's meet at the hot
topic downstairs. Yeah, but that's so far away from where
(43:56):
they're at there there by the the wall. Jacok Shaven,
who is this who? Jim, we need to do the water.
We don't. We're not supposed to touch from water. Yeah,
we we don't. We don't touch link down here, Javon
Cheffy Chevy. This is the This is security channel. Every
(44:20):
Chevy six channel six things is the security floor. Yeah,
I don't I don't know where services are Chevy. This
is this is security. I don't know, Chacho, Chevy, and
we need to get someone over to the front. Well,
this cutting people's faces off? This serious? Who is this?
This is Tony? We mean with this? Welcome to the gap?
(44:43):
Can I help you? Where are you from? Where are
you folks from England? Oh my goodness, he traveled all
the way. How are we to bridge this gap? How
how far across is the gap? And all their monsters
in the gap? It's just this one store in the
for kids on the other side. Children are being held here.
(45:04):
Oh yes, well not I mean they shouldn't be. But
sometimes the children, the children are in the gap or
on the other side of the gap. Well, a lot
of children are in the gap because oh my god,
you look like a medium. Thank you. He's not a psychic.
(45:25):
You can't it's not a psychic. I can talk to god,
I can tempt to doubt that. Please, I am starting
to doubt that very much that I think you might
look at fine all right, medium, what are you doing?
What are you doing? What are you doing? You're undermining
me in front of that woman? What are you that's
not a woman? Please, it's not a woman. I know
(45:46):
a woman when I smell a smell. This one is
safe foam, Thank you very nice? Yes, look at those
How does that look? You've been working out like that?
Is that something? Good? Are you? If you do? What? Jim?
Do you belong to? Sign up? Immediately? Tell us dressmaker?
(46:06):
What is this? Camp? Snoopy? Camp Snoopy? Well, I don't know.
There's a lot of kids that go on over there
side trying to stay away. That appears to be a
giant statue of a dog. Yeah, well that's Snoopy. And
the location of the grail, he's very Why do you
say that because ancient law has jumbling on't you? What
(46:27):
does no one know where the damp grail is? Ancient
law has it that a giant dog guarded the grail? Really? Yes?
Well then I take it back. Let's sake, do you
have these khakis in the thirty four. We certainly do.
Let me bring out two pairs. I'm sorry, do you
have kids here at the Snoopy the Snoopy Palace. No,
(46:48):
we have already bridged the gap. Kids. I'm so sorry.
You can't come in here. This is where we have.
This is a holding zone for children. It's a playpen.
We babysit well while parents go. We keep them safe.
So you can't come in here. What would you call
a plate in a holding zone? It's just technical term
to help you guys understand why we can't have it's
(47:08):
a prison. It's not a prison. You're in prisoning the child.
Look at them, they're having fun on the slide. We're
here to storm the gates. You can't come in here.
This is free, but we'll give you a facial. A facial.
That's right, we've done it before. Listen. I'm in charge
of making sure that when the parents come back for
these kids, that these kids talk to the faceless man
(47:28):
at belk. Yeah, okay, let the kids go. Now. You
say this is a polo, Yeah, that's right. Interesting, such
soft fabric. Straight, we'll just try it on. I think
it's going to fit perfectly. That's good that's good. You
(47:49):
know what, Before you put the polo on, let me
just ask you a couple of questions. You in town
as long as it takes to find the gray the
other customers means right now, you're always busy, my know when.
But this particular customer looks like mon is helping me.
She is sturdy, steward. I'm not a woman. I'm I'm
(48:15):
telling If this is what it takes, I'll be fun.
Don't do that to yourself. There weren't so much more
than that. I want him to do myself. Enjoy, enjoy,
Thank you. Clara's you look stupid in that shirt? What
did she say to me? Don't don't, don't even She
doesn't deserve all right, She's just a petty cock blockers.
(48:40):
You put on that pillow right now, Mr, and you
march back forward, back forward to one too confident. I
feel good, don't you? Lord child? What are you doing
in the fitting room? What are you with her? Then
told me to come into here and look for the grill,
(49:03):
and we just talk of a woman's face off. Tell
me tell me he doesn't look better without the chest plight?
What do you think something light us? Silhouette I'm not
right to it. How many items did you take into
this room? Must have rule? I mean I didn't know
if I needed something for fall. There's only five items.
Have you defied the laws of this land? Yes, I
(49:28):
have so be it. Take my nighthood, take my medium, miss.
But before you do that, let me get some shorts
for you. And I think, but nothing fits me right.
I would have a strange shape. Oh, I don't know
about that. I have a strange shape. I can't wear
jeans sleaves. I agree, who can and who should? Let's
put you there a nice little dress. Yeah yeah, let
(49:49):
me get a little summer number. Isn't she wonderful? What
do you mean? Yes, yes, fantastic. I thought not a woman,
but maybe a woman. Maybe a woman. I'm totally convinced.
I love her. I'm thinking about not going after the
grail and settling down, Lord Charles. I think it might
have an opportunity here at the gap. I really think
(50:11):
this could be a big thing for me. Huh. But
keep your mind on the prize. The prize of the
Grail could have any maiden of your choice, including Vaughan.
Now I haven't now, maybe it's a who important. Maybe
the journey for the grail is actually the grail itself. No,
because I don't have anything. But maybe because you're not
searching correctly, settling and finding your buddy, huh, finding that
(50:35):
thing that connects you the grounds you. Yeah, maybe that's
what the grail is. That can't be. No, we've been
on this quest for years and years. That would be
a disappointing finale. Grail, No grail, just you finding love
at the gap. Well, see how you feel like. You
put on these shorts and you try on the summer
tray right in your rooms, try them on. Let us
(50:57):
know what you think. Now, you to put you in
some pants, yes, we do, might take off the chair,
all right, yes, yes, all the real prosthetic dick on.
It is not an illusion. My penis was taken off
(51:17):
of the dragon emotion. V. You can't let people be
naked out here with prosthetic dicks on. That's why you
have to keep I'm sorry, you have to keep that
whole situation in behind the curtains. I'm getting in pants. Relax,
it's fine. It's a prosthetic penis, very lifelike, a little fist.
(51:40):
It's more security. Everybody puts their hands up. Everybody put
their hands up, drop the swords. I like these shorts
alight you you with with all the different kinds of
clothes off? Now look, just calm down. You could just
say the guy with the huge, weird penis. I didn't
(52:01):
want to say that, the guy with clothes when he's
naked with a steel penis touching the floor. Good call,
guy with penis touching the floor? Who are you talking
to you? Are you shore as anyone else on that?
Can you play it back off? I mean goodness? If
penis is dragging on the floor by its knuckle, are
missing faces out in the mall? And so you just
(52:22):
come by and shoot pap. These are the people that
were doing doing the face taken what you were there?
You were there local night. What what holds you in
that vial? That vial of perfume? This my penis? No no,
(52:45):
why would you throw it on that? Oh no? Oh
no shit, I'll get another. He's so free prosthetics. You
don't seem disappointed at all. You know, I have to
get used to the balance again. But it's there is
no holy grail here. You must leave. You're just keeping
(53:08):
the grail for yourself. No there's no grail here. There
must be as there's not a grail. Tommy, Yeah, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy,
right for coming into the opposite today. I just wanted
to go over a couple of things before the actual
police get here. Oh thank god. I wanted to get
three people shopping at the gap, and you barged in
(53:31):
and shot one of them. Well, I shot only one
of them. Everybody else that was hydrochloric acid. That's right
to the face. That's what I have here to one face,
one penis, and then somebody stepped into I'm sorry. It
was all written down the report. What I need to
know is why what set you off? Well, we don't
need to know for insurance reasons. Well, the number one
thing was that they were they opened up the children.
(53:53):
They have weapons, They had swords. They had swords, so no, oh, yes,
had swords. Wow, that's scary. So you thought you'd shoot them,
the people with the swords, and then throw hydro clark. Well,
I don't know how to use a sword, so even
if I was going to try to use a fair fight,
I would probably lose phrase drop the sword, the dust
cross your mind at all. I don't know for sure.
(54:15):
But I think that's what I said first, because we
have a video of it. Oh please don't play that video.
Let's go ahead and play all right, so you can
see that wasn't in reverse. I'm pretty sure, just based
on the words alone coming out correctly after you shot.
(54:36):
So when the police get here, are they gonna arrest
Timmy Tames tame spany, that's who you are? Send them
saying that correctly. That's a lot of trouble, my man, murder.
Are you sure that's not just a rumor? No, what
you gotta do on video? Play the video? Wait phrase, mother?
(55:00):
What are you doing your own sound effects? We can
hear you don't have to do that. Play it again,
Play it again? Well it's much less enjoyable. We don't
talk about the alright, let's rewind it. Play again. What
do you mean there's something wrong with the video? Well,
just I don't know if Elliott? Are you mad at me? Look, Dory,
I don't have time for this. Okay, okay, I said, Okay,
(55:25):
I'm not pushing it. You don't want to be. We
went to the amusement park. We sat in the same ride.
I mean, isn't that enough? I thought? He said? You know,
it's not over till we're buddies. And I don't feel
I'm vulnerable. You're not vulnerable. Can we be co workers
without being buddies? I I okay, okay, if that's how
you wanted to be. I just felt like in the
question you weren't even vibing with me. You know, all right,
(55:47):
fund you take the lead, You take the lead, and
I'll vibe. I'll vibe, okay, Timmy, Timmy Tames Tootles if
that is your name, he's stupid, punk ast, big mother fucker.
I'm just a security card. You know what you are?
A murderer, isn't that right? You little slut? Little look, oh,
(56:08):
you gotta come on your face, your little it's not come,
that's not come. Help. I don't even know how to
get an injury and with an accommodation and excellence in service.
The Dorian Dreen Doreen McCluskey. I want to say I'm
(56:34):
sorry for some of the things I've said in the
questioning room, but it's been my pleasure to serve and
an honor. And I got to give a special thanks
to my buddy Elliott Man, my buddy too. During you know,
We've had a lot of plays over the years, good Cop,
bad Cop. But when she went to come all over
your face, I knew exactly how to handle that and
(56:57):
we got the purpose, we got the purp. Yeah. Now
cutting the ribbon for the new library. They come on
your face Library? Is I never knew it was going
to leave the room. What happened in there? I never
thought it was going to leave the room. But snip,
(57:18):
is this the come on your face Library? Just it is.
We've heard tale that the grail is here. Copper smells
like coppers on any of that scene. Oh that's our
show for today's thank our ALCOMI is so nice to
have for the founding members together. Let's go to Vanessa
(57:41):
Raglan Please, Vanessa, thank you so much, thanks for having me.
What did youlight plume? Any adults live here? Zero zero today?
Uh Donny's Typewriter. Yeah, come check it out. We've got
a lot of great shows and if you're not in
l a um, you can still look at Instagram and
then when you come is it you can have the
popcorn so Dynasty Extraordinary calendar of events. Please go check
(58:04):
out at DYNA's d typewriter dot com. Thank you Craig
Atkowski at Kakowski on Twitter, see Kakowski on the Instagram's
and listen to or watch the new animated show Archibald's
Next Big Thing What the Hell on Netflix. I'm just
in a couple of episodes, but it's really fun, particularly
for kids like six to ten. It's Tony Ale created
(58:26):
this animated show, and I was lucky to do a
couple of voices on it. Well. Based on today's episodes
and content, I'm sure a lot of watching before before
they replaced my voice with somebody pore suitable. James Jeeney,
So nice to have you back in the saddle. It's
great to feedback in the Saddle. Beer supply second and
fourth Wednesdays at the west Side Comedy Theater. First Sundays
(58:48):
of the month at the West Side Comedy Theater. We
had thank you for reminding we had a live show.
Uh this is airing quite a bit afterwards and first
Sunday of every month, but it went great our first
show on September first, I'm gonna keep saying first, so
thanks for reminding me. Yeah, first Sunday of every month
(59:08):
for in Los Angeles, specifically the Santa Monica area, the
West Side Comedy Theater. Yeah, very excited about that. Will
you beat the next one? I will not miss another
one until next fall. I my plans. I killed me
to see that. There were so many people having so
much fun and I wasn't there. It was packed house
where you were missed. I'm glad that I was missed.
(59:30):
You know who was there, Joey Greer. I was there
and and tell everyone how it went. People going, where's James,
So he's not here and they were like, yeah, they're
faking Oh no no, but there was rice. We had
to push people away because they were so upset you
weren't there. That's not bad news. Yeah, I don't they
hurt people. So at Jeffy Greeber At Jeffy Greeber on
(59:52):
Instagram all the shows I posted that we're doing, so
just check it out. Uh. We're also gonna be working
on the Grand Feet apparently to look forward to some
serious updates. Our own Doug Bang. We had a conversation
prior to the show, and he's ready to kick some
ass and help out, and Joe you're gonna step up
as well. All right, Well that's all we need to
(01:00:12):
hear and let's like Doug Bam. Shall we thank you
so very much our post sound design artist Raphael Breed,
our producer Sophie Liechterman's of course, I heart radio. I
encourage all of you to write a review. Please tell
everyone you've ever met and write to us with a scene,
(01:00:32):
suggestion or just a comment. Your name here, lock me
this dot com. That's your name here, and locked me
this dot com. Once again, I'm Kevin Pollock, That Kevin Bald.
Until next time,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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