September 1, 2020 • 63 mins
Dirty old lady hits on LifeAlert dispatchers.
Statham’s Taint Vape.
Failed improv comedian is a celebrity childcare specialist.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Wellcome back to another episode. What about alchemy? This covidition
on your host, Kevin Pollock, Yes, Kevin, No, I'm actually
okay never shaking another hand, though I will miss the
awkwardness of doing. But I digress this. When you're not
going to show me no particular order, say how to
eat caroline cutter cuttered cream. When ship hits the fan,
(00:27):
which alchemist do you want in the bunker? And why? Um,
that's a good question. When you say it hits a fan,
do you mean like the world is ending or somehoever?
You kill me? How fever, I'm gonna assume someone's coming
to kill me. I'm gonna say I think James because
(00:48):
he has so many computers and equipment that like something,
something has to be figured out by that. Yeah, here
doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you don't know how
to work them. It's just that I need the equipment there.
I think it will be good. The equipment can bar
the door, like all those computers can just be a
(01:09):
block damn right place. Hello to Chris albarad Oh dis Chris,
not that? Do you think James is gonna be okay? Definitely?
You know why? You know what? Because he is so loved,
So even if he falls, or he trips or makes
mistakes over whatever he does, he's gonna fall in arms
(01:33):
outstretched to him. Everybody who knows James loves him. Isn't
that true? Except for the jerks on his Facebook page.
Hey there's Craig Kakowski. Ko, please pitch us a new
greeting gesture to replace the handshake? Well, uh, if you
were call Sam Sam Wainwright from It's a Wonderful Life.
(01:56):
Does that? He uh? Involves like sticking your thumbs and
both of your ears, waving your fingers like you're a donkey. Look, everybody,
everybody in the alchemy this cast is already doing it.
I think it's time for heat ought to come back.
I am so fucking down. Everyone get in that position
for Chris's photo. Sam Wayne Right, he dog soybeans? Hot dog?
(02:24):
H Why there's James Heeney the heat for four hundred.
The fine folks at Costco claimed that their outdoor window
offering of a hot dog and beverage with free refill
is a loss leader. Are you buying that? And if so,
what would you like on it? I think if they
wanted to be smart and make money. They'd put that
(02:45):
thing deep inside of Costco, so you'd have to navigate
the aisles to get to because it is a good deal,
and I can get that deal in front of their
store and then walk away. But if they buried it deep,
I'd have to get a membership. That's the question. You'll
stop five and now and then I don't know if
(03:07):
I answered that right. Oh no, you you answered it right?
Is that the question? And last? But take the cat
for a walk. If you think of least it's Joey
greer Joe from that Doe Joe. Which of all animals
have you talked to the longest? Holy shit? Uh? Right,
(03:28):
there is a I think it's a possum. There's a dead,
bloated possum outside my house, and I speak to that
animal every single day. I've I've needed different clothes. I
made a small, little little home for exactly like a
two story placial estate for what a possum want to have.
But to you, it's a little home. It's a little home.
(03:49):
It's like, you know, like nine ft tall. Yeah, you're
you're not staying thousand square feet? No, no, I'm not
staying there. Um, But I do want to just say
that James is six eight and he his red hair.
All right, let's do a damn show. Almost all of
our scene suggestions gathered from our listener emails please send
yours to your name here at alcum to this dot com,
(04:12):
and some of the scenes are suggested by Patreon supporters
of the show and who and get They enjoy, of course,
exclusive content and other perks which, by the way, James,
we need to step up. If you'd like to join them,
head on over to Patreon dot com slash alchemy. This
all right, let's get the scene. One from Lloyd, who wrote,
(04:32):
I'm a truck driver in your program has been the
source of endless laughter and entertainment for my fiance and
me through many long hours on the road during these
crazy uncertain times. At least it had been until James
turned us onto Macaulay Culkin's wonderful podcast about dead Rabbits
in a free ad plug he did a couple of
(04:54):
weeks back. Though we're no longer have any time for
your show, what with the dead Rabbits and all, I
thought this breakup might go a little easier with a
scene suggestion. It follows a dirty old lady who makes
compromising life decisions in order to hit on the life
alert dispatchers. PS. You guys are great. Keep doing what
(05:19):
you're doing. We just wanted you to know. It's not you.
It's James Crely, sincerely, your formerly biggest non Patreon fans.
Nice word game. Dispatch your nine How can I help you?
Dispatch your nine four four trains? Free call over? Okay,
(05:43):
what's the emergency? I um, I'm sorry, hold on, I
got a cross connection dispatch nine four four? Uh could
you please hold back. I'm talking on the phone with
somebody that's got an emergency. I'm not exactly sure what
we need right now. Ahead and say your emergency dispatch
(06:05):
to six one over. Dispatches, All dispatches, please hold off.
I'm trying to find out which which of your expertise
are needed. I don't know the emergency yet, and I'm
sorry you are who the Lord our savior? I'm Jared
the operator at nine one one facilities and step off. Everybody.
(06:26):
No one could thank you. Um ma'am have you fallen down?
Are you having difficulty getting dispatcher? You interrupting an operator
in nine one one? I have got this is this
is between me and what was your name? No? I
want you both and my name is Janice. H what's
(06:48):
your What are your names? I heard that Cliff, Jared
and Jared and Cliff. Yes, I will. I'm not sure
if you're gonna work with Cliff or not. It's dependent
said what ind of emergency you have. Cliff has a
certain set of skills, and I know which which of
my dispatchers I can send out. Shall I go through
my set of skills at this point, ma'am, please and
(07:10):
say it low and slow. Janice, don't be dissuaded like
Cliffs are gonna give you his skills right now. But
your emergency is unique to you. Alright, go ahead. I
think he just said massage and that's and that's exactly
what I need. Massage. Um, Jannis, I'm gonna put you
(07:33):
on hold for one moment. Hello, I've been trying to
get through for so long, but it seems the phone
lines have been clogged. I I fairly inside my toilet
and my body is stuck inside the little funnel that
goes talking. You're talking to give me the phone. What
(07:57):
did I tell you about making phone calls? Ship? I
can't that's right, that's right now, looks. As soon as
your rich son pays the fucking ransom, then you can
call wherever you want to. You understand? Are you still there? Hello?
Someone on the phone. Give me the no certain you
(08:20):
fell inside your toilet? Is that that's what I'm getting?
I can hear you. I fell in shine? My choice? Yes?
How do I turn this fucking thing off? Okay, I'm
calling youth? Hello? Shut up, I'm calling your son. It's
(08:41):
ringing stay in Hello. Hello, Hello, Hey, it's the bad
guy who has your grandmother. I'm part of it, your mom? Yeah, yeah,
excuse me, sir. Sorry, I know you're on the phone.
But would you like caviar? Or you don't want to
hear the second option? Okay? Great, Um, I'll put it
(09:02):
in your dog's bowl? Thank you? Okay, what was it?
Tough guy? I have your mom here. How she's doing
She's not doing well? Here, listen to her say something. Okay,
I'm in the toy land and my whole thought she
love you? Do you love her? Well? I mean sure?
(09:22):
Look all we're asking for excuse me, I hope. I
hate to interrupt this phone call, but would you like
these hot towels on your face? Yes? Thank you if
you want to see if you want to see your
mom hundred thousand. So you want half a million to
release my mother back into my care? Yeah, I mean
(09:46):
otherwise I'm gonna flush it down this toilet. Uh huh
is that you or me? Hold on a second. Hello, Well,
this is Curtis from Life Alert. U. I'm not sure
how I got you, but I got a call from
(10:06):
inside a toilet. Uh. And we we've traced the call
to a to a toilet on the north side. Yeah,
let me connect you. Uh thanld on a second, Hey,
tough guy. Yeah, yeah, I got Life Alert calling for
your mother. Don't it's your mom? It's your feet are
(10:27):
getting so soft? Do you feel like she's your mom? Now?
So alright, listen, you have until three o'clock today. Did
you hear that is like paper? It's like paper? Hello,
Life Alert. Yeah, I think I inivertly called somebody sir before.
I just wanted to make sure I got everybody's pronouns
(10:48):
correct on this call. Okay, Hi, Curtis, I'm I'm a
bad guy. I'm doing bad things. You get it. Curtis,
Thanks for are coming in and talking with me. We
reviewed to some of the audio from your previous calls,
and I just want to say, first and foremost, we
(11:08):
love it. We love it. We think you're doing some
fantastic work here, and we actually want to promote you
and put you in a position to um well, to
go in the field, not just be doing phone calls,
to go out there and help the people who fall
in and can't get up exactly. We need you to
go out on the street, find people who are falling,
and maybe more importantly, if you could make people fall Jim,
(11:31):
are you inco Taco Tuesday? Jim, I am in. I
have a hundred. Okay, sorry, I'm there's a Taco Tuesday. Kurt,
give me one second. Here? Are we doing veggies? Are
we doing me? Whatever you want? Whatever I want? Okay,
well then veggies, Yes, veggies. I've been told you just
bring my lunch all along, Kurt, give me a second. Yeah, okay,
(11:54):
So if we're doing me, can we do okay, can
we do Carnista this time instead of pork? Is that park? No?
I said? Instead? Janiceon? Is this the same woman that
called yesterday for a foot massage? You remember me? Yes?
It is Listen, I this is nine one one, and
we only deal with real emergencies here. So what I'm
(12:15):
gonna give you if you get a pen and paper,
but I think you really need is life Alert. Life
Alert is for you know, when it's not really an
emergency and you don't really need to call nine one one. Um,
I don't. I don't have that in my house. I'm
all digital here. Okay, well maybe type it into the computer.
Do you have an extra note pad up on your computer? Yes?
(12:39):
All right, so actually, you know what if you're from
a computer, just go to go to your whatever search process.
Are you like to just search for nine one one
is used? Bing dot com is my preferred Okay, well
(13:00):
use that one. Not that, but you could use Safari, Opera, Google, Firefox,
any of those. Don't you just you listed browser types? Not? Yeah?
I already did. Okay, we didn't even ask me what
(13:21):
my emergency was. I know you don't have an emergency.
I have calor ID d janis. You're trying to get
Cliff on the line, or you're trying to get one
of our other dispatchers. Just getting account with like want
a massage? Like I want a massage covered by my insurance?
So how does it feel old? Lady, to know that
your own son doesn't love you. I can see my bones.
(13:43):
I can see my bone. Just look, I'm not enjoying this. Okay.
I used to clean your pool. You know I liked
you to be honest, but I also know your son
is loaded. Just stand just stand up. All my mushrooms
(14:05):
have fell down the bathroom tubes. I want to know
how you feel about your son not not helping you
out here? Why can I still feel my bones? All
the nerves are gone? Okay, this is the sing bong.
(14:25):
Can I get your door? I'll get your door. I
can't get out. I'm stuck. Hello. Hey, I'm Curtis from
Life Alert. Um the fuck? Do you want a carnetas
or I have I have a fish taco? Or there's
a there's an assada here? Um, maybe you want something
(14:46):
to eat? Maybe you wanna sandwich, You want a gun sandwich?
Get in here. I don't want a gun sandwich. Get
in here. I don't know I had tons of top
of the lady, I don't need a gun sandwich. H Oh,
are you all right? Are you? Are you down there
(15:07):
with the toilet? I'm down here in the toyland, ma'am.
I'm Curtis. My pronouns are he him? Curtis? Is there
anybody in your life who loves you and has a
lot of money? No? No, I'm not not that close
(15:27):
with my folks. Uh. I guess my manager at Life Alert,
I'm pretty close with Okay, okay, okay, so he's at
Life Alert. What's his name? Oh it's okay, okay, okay,
you two just hang out here. Don't fucking move. I
still have this gun pointed right at you. He sent
(15:49):
me out to trip people to try to drum up
more business by low. Hi, can I speak to the manager? Please? Hi? Um,
I have one of your employees here, Curtis, I believe
it is. Oh hey, yeah, how's he doing? Not great?
He's in a lot of trouble. You see. I'm a
bad guy. Yeah, I'm a bad bad guy. And in
(16:11):
order for me to release Curtis, I'm gonna need some
moola and fellow elak after the elderly. I don't have
time for this. Oh good, good, good good. A southern drawl.
That's not the manager I was thinking of. Oh okay, wait,
is there somebody higher than you, sir? I think of
my direct No. No, he's lower than him, higher than me.
I'm thinking my direct supervisor whose name escapes thing? Okay, yeah, sir, yeah,
(16:36):
can I speak to your supervisor? Please? My supervisor. So
you want to make somebody above me? That's correct? Wait? What?
Thank you? Thank you? Curtis? You you're a doll by
the way, Curtis, Um, no, is there somebody? Is this?
Somebody who's below you but still you know, has a
managerial position. You want to blow me? Goodbye? Oh, ma'am, ma'am,
(17:04):
I'm here to help. Oh one nine one, Hello, Hi,
my name is Jim Hornberg down okay one, My is
Horborge over River. Is exactly how it sounds. Listen to
(17:24):
serve ship, sir. Listen, I've been I lost one of
my employees. I work at Life Alert. Okay, I told
him to cloud. You work at Life Alert. I work
at Life Alert. Okay. Yes, I'm not proud of it. Alright,
I've been a low level supervisor. I should be working
my way up at this point. I understand that I
know what's available. Okay, but this is the professions of
corporate America, all right. Things follow me because the people
(17:47):
about me, they don't want to do it. And they
asked me to do it. And guess what, I've turned
into a bad manager guy. I got another call, but
I can tell this is an emergency. Should just hold
on one second? You have a rotary phone at nine one? Hello? Hi, Um,
I really need jan rubbed my boy, Janice. I can't,
I can't take this right now. There's a real emergency.
(18:08):
Right now is a real This is a real emergency.
The blood is pooling at my ankles for real. Yeah, Jennie,
hold on one second. I mean, hello, it's easy to
call down credit card. I don't get a credit card
because they don't trust me with that kind of corporate
(18:30):
Jim Horpe Jrger. It's Jim Horpe Jerger. I don't know
why I spaced on that. It's such such a memorable name. Okay,
I banged it. I banged it and it's Jim Horbitrger Lilt, Yes, Hi,
I need to speak to Jim Horber Jerger. Oh yeah,
what do you need with Jim? None of your business
just passed me through the place. No, I kind of
(18:51):
is my business because I'm a dispatcher. So, um, what
do you need? Somebody fell down? Uh? Huh? Could you
be more general. No, okay, hold, let me get Jim. Okay,
might yeah, what her up? Talk of God? Him? Yummy?
(19:20):
The phone for you? Also? Hello, Hi, Mr Horberner, jerk?
Who is this? I'm a bad guy? Are you? And
I I'm not great? I mean quite a situation here.
I have an elderly woman who's stuck in the toilet,
and I have an employee of yours. You might recognize
(19:42):
this voice, Jim, It's Curtis. I blanked on your name.
I'm so sorry. It's okay, all right, Well this threat
is definitely sounding like some kind of math problem. So
going okay. So if one old lady is in the
toilet and one of your employees is here, not harmed,
but away from his van, and I need upwards of
(20:02):
five thousand dollars? Is what? Curtis has? A van? Did
you come in a van? It's a minivan? Yeah, a minivan.
I didn't. I did not know that, Curtis. I didn't.
You didn't. You don't strike me as a mini van? Candic?
Do you the family? Curtis? Curtis, he's asking all these
questions about you. Here, can take a phone. Hello, this
Curtis Curtis. Look I realized I don't know a lot
(20:24):
about you, okay, and I want you to know I
want above the board. And I called nine one to
search for you, all right, I uh, nine one one
the enemy I called. I called the enemy to look
for you. Look. I don't know a lot about you, alright,
and I know you're with a bad guy. You're probably
making bad calls. I don't know, but I forgive you, alright, jam,
I've dummed up so much business for the company. I
(20:46):
got a lady in a toilet here and I'm about
to trip this guy. What if you do this? Oh god? Now,
who's the bad guy? Called N one? What's the number?
And that scene one? Ah yeah, mommy, make it stop.
(21:12):
Seen two come fries from patron v I P Chris
A k A. Crispy A who wrote, Hello Kevin, for
the sake of brevity, you're all awesome and my scene
suggestion is a vapor shop. Please keep doing what you're
doing Chris from the UK. Thank you, Crispy. And that
(21:37):
one's called the Flying Dragon. I could do. I could
do pigeons, which light. What's this one called? Uh uh?
That was not for sale just yet, but it's not
in the market. What about that one? Uh? This is
uh tweeled? What's this one with the hooks on it? Uh?
That's does love? Which? This one looks like a my foot? Uh? Crackophobia?
(22:04):
Did you know all these things? Man's sick? Dude, it's
my shop, it's my shop. Listen, look before listen. The
way you pick a vape is not just like what
looks cool? It's like what do you need? Are we
talking injection of nicotine to the system asap? But we
talked about I mean yeah kind of Are we talking
(22:25):
like clouds for days? You know what I mean? Are you?
Are you getting needle vapes? I mean? I got a
couple of neal apes? What's that one called spink O?
That one? How's it going? Hey? How's it going good?
You take a number? No, I can help you. This
(22:46):
guy's just looking you go to Statham stink A matter
of fact, I do. Did you want that blueberry or
passion fruit? Passion? Holy? Sure? You are you Jason Stathum? No? Mate?
Get that a lot? Then I saw you in the Meg.
That's great? What's your name? Crop? You watched the Meg? Uh? Huh?
(23:11):
Do you lose a bet? Did you want to photo something?
Because I really want to get this vape and go.
Wait are you see them? Oh man, I'm just trying
to get out of you. You know what I mean?
I love a photo that'll be sick. These are free.
These are free. If you are him, I gotta charge you.
If you're not, I'm tasting. We gotta go, We gotta
(23:32):
go get get the vap and we gotta get back
in the car. Oh fox sake. Sorry mate, Yeah, I
don't mind paying for him. And let's student photo real
quick here. Okay, hey listen, I just want to let
both you know. We're having an underground competition here tonight.
We'll kind of in petition, a vape competition. You know what,
(23:52):
I don't even need to know if it's underground. I
mean what time? Okay, it's ship that's start. We have
a lot of different categories. We have up in smoke category,
we have nicotine, Nico nine category, A lot of different categories,
right Jason, that they're giving me a ticket right now.
(24:12):
You got to hurry up. They've given me a ticket
right now. I swear, crush. I want to put a
nice pit three of fucking eye getting the cat. Sorry man, look,
I don't care who you are. You're parked in a
handicapped on loading zone. I'm gonna have to give you
a ticket. All right, that's just how you didn't understand.
You understand, it's just for a second chasing state them.
You know what, Jason states inside that vape shop. Right now,
(24:38):
we're gonna be in, we're gonna be out. We can't
go to a regular poking spot. It's going to be
a big, big deal. Please just give me to give
you what fifteen minutes. No, I'm not gonna give you minutes.
If I see somebody show up here with that wheelchair
or a handicap sign, I'll pull out of the spot.
But right now there's nobody using it. Sir. There are
several meter spots ahead of you that are open, and
(24:59):
you have not chosen them or even decided to like
use that as a as a as a thing that
Jason Statham is an action hero. He's gonna come running
out here and he needs to be able to hope
in this car right away. Okay, so please just give
me five more minutes. I'll give you five minutes, but
it's gonna cost you. I'm gonna need a photo with
(25:20):
Jason Statham all right, all right, all right, you stay here,
we'll take one quick photo when he comes out. Don't worry,
he loves photos. We'll hurry it up. Okay, So it's
um by only. Okay, make sure you know it's category
you're signing up for ahead of time or some kinding.
(25:41):
You just show up, you need to show up. Here's
here's the transporter too. Yeah, that one's that. The Transporter
two is on sale, Transporter three not on sale? What
do I do? What do I do? This fly? I
don't gonna bring this back doing. No, the deuce is
the deuces are? That's actually clearance right now. But it's
(26:03):
known to hurt. We've already got We've already got a
bunch of people outside waiting for you to get photos.
It's like com on corn all over again. Get done,
Get back in the car, all right, back right? You
got a back way out of him, mate? Yeah, yeah,
you can come up behind the counter with red. You
made rob back you fuck by the way. You might
(26:26):
meet somebody in the back. Just keep walking. She's gonna
ask you for things. Just keep going. Okay, fair enough?
And het hate this flashlight? Oh thanks mate? Sure are
you give enough flashlights? No, that's just for him to
use to go through the bag. Hey, are you going
to compete in that or what? Man? I was thinking
(26:49):
about it, but you know, most of my skin on
my feet is are like really raw. I don't know
how long I can stand? You can sit? Oh? All right? Yeah?
M like, is he is he coming up from the front?
Where is he? I've been waiting for how long? I
(27:09):
think he's gonna be just one second? Uh? This is
your first time in one of these underground vapeofs Yeah,
I think it is. Yeah, alright, alright, nice, you're in
for a treatment. Let me tell you this is not
the first time we've had a celebrity here. Oh yeah,
who your else yet? STRAI sam right, all the ses,
(27:31):
I all the yeah. But this might be the first
time we've had a celeb with a vape pen named
after them. All right, right, he tried State from Saint.
I have tried I yeah, I have sucked deep from
stateroom Staint. It's a bad Yeah. So you you were
you showed up specifically to get a States from States. Well,
(27:54):
it's from me, mum, all right, I'll be honest, I
don't understand half of what you're saying, but it's it's
so goddamn it timid. Okay, everyone, alright, alright here we
go ahead to sign yet, please do so? Ok we
all want to face. We all want to I don't
(28:17):
know what it is. Why when I talk is everyone's screen?
She just wanted, Oh, alright, sign up? All I forgot
to sign up. I gotta sign up. You gotta play.
We got a babe, I might well here. Why why
(28:38):
would we need to sign up before here? Already? What?
You gotta get on the list, and you gotta get
on the right list, and you gotta end the list
in the order that you sign up. So I don't
do lists. So I think I'm all right, man, you're crazy.
Stris ended the same thing. She's like a bird that one. Now, Reggie,
(28:58):
I don't give a ship. Okay, you're gonna staying my
goddamn home until Jason Statham comes and picks you up
and I get a goddamn photo. All right. You don't
understand he doesn't even know him here. How is he
gonna come here and get you a photo? The last
he saw me, I was outside of that vape shop.
But then you better text him or you better call him.
Or send a pigeon with a cell phone strap to
(29:19):
its throat. I don't care how you do it, sweetheart.
You're burning burgers. Oh goddamnit. Shit, why do you have
me blindfolded sucking pork burgers? God damn it. Don't say
something was wrong with him? Did somebody else in the room.
I've been kidnapped, mom. I'm scared. Who's the burgers? Are gonna? Be? Fine?
(29:42):
Scared about the burgers. I don't want them to be burned.
I want them to be juicy and cooked just right.
You know, I like my pork burgers. So do I, Claire,
So do I? All right, he's God damn it, this
fucking porkos jeeves. Well, you know what, fuck it, Reggie,
You're gonna get one of the burned ones. I'm sorry.
I wish it was I wish it was a different
(30:03):
kind of you know, introductions, and I thinking, but those
carcinogens cause cancer. Please, I don't want to have a
bunt burger. You're not gonna disrespect me. Look, I was
gonna be honest as your doctor. Carcinogens cause cancer? Okay,
yeah no, so that's why you don't So I should
(30:24):
switch to vape exactly by definition, carcinogens cause cancer, right,
and what's the confusion? Uh? Look, you're the water showed
up at my front door. Man, I've having a dinner
party right now. Doctor. I'm sorry, there're a lot hell
(30:44):
making up online. I know, I know, but I just
had a question I needed. I'll ask you. Should I
wait in line? Yeah, get on the list? I think
I think maybe he could. I think so. Carcinogens. Oh,
let me just ask really quick. Carcinogens in smoke. When
you're smoking, it's you know, that's carcinogens. Obviously. Do you
burn a bunker? Is that crescent angens too? Burger? Any bug?
(31:09):
Because once it's but it's just carcinogens, right, just different burger.
It's pure carcinogen, but it's just particularly particularly acute in pork. Cute? Good?
All right? Okay are you yes? Dr? My question? Okay,
I've been wrapping cheese around different pieces of meat and
(31:31):
just eating the meat raw, and I want to know,
is that is that cancer? Okay? Look I'm an oncologist,
I'm not a dietician. Yes, Dr Arline, here, are you
in the list? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yah, yeah, I put
it put the hell I'm on the list. You're not.
You're just gonna not gonna answer my question. Mar I'm
on the list. It's a stupid question. Frank, Frank, thank
(31:52):
you so much for hosting us. This is such a
beautiful dinner party. We're gonna go. It seems like you're
busy out here. We're gonna go. I just know I
took the turkey I put in my purse. So we'll
just thank you, thank you. We're going to play celebrity.
We'll we'll see you next time. Tell eleanor we we
had a great time, and thank you for stay. Stay.
(32:14):
I'm just dealing with some patience, with some quick questions.
You didn't answer my question. You didn't answer me. Don't
much food, don't meat raw, but but it's prepped in cheese.
Little go, little girl, come, you don't have to stand.
Stop coming at my Ankles's going on here, grabbing ankles?
(32:37):
A girl, A little girl. What do you want to
stay in front of my dad? Get some raw pork.
Somebody's gonna go get Jason Stathum and he will save me. Okay.
The last place I saw him was at the vape shop.
At a vape shop, you're right. Next thing you're gonna
tell me is Eddie is a vade neath Sorry, right
(33:03):
in this corner smoking Statham, stained Chase, some stathem themselves
in smoking tweedle dumb Marty Cafald. What's going on with Marty?
(33:31):
He's coffee, you know? But you know the competition is
just to see who can end up the most tobacco.
Is that the competition was? Yeah, I think that's what's happening.
Usually they make tricks or something, but they just went
to sucking right away. Oh again, so this is just
the sucking of it. But there's there's different categories for
different vaporing techniques and skills. Yeah, but I think this fight,
(33:53):
it seems to be just them inhaling as much and
as fast as possible. Every every rule will freeze, freeze.
Please get me out of this toilet. Shut up. I'd
do as you ask, you would owe the guns and all.
But I do have a question for you. You what's that?
(34:16):
Would you like to sit down at noon tomorrow? I
don't any back up. I don't know what that. I
don't know what that means kind of back up is requested? Hey,
Steve Um, I think I might be in danger. I'm
(34:37):
not maybe saying Larry and the guys glery, Um, yeah, sure,
we'll sen up on bikes. Hold on, what what was
the hesitation? What's up? Usually when people ask for back up,
they know what they want. It's not like usually maybe
send whoever. Yeah, let's what be fair. Just it's a
(35:01):
weird situation here. Just trust me. Well it looks like
I got three aces. Boys, were just get an alert.
We're gonna be the backup. We gotta get an our.
We we're gonna fish the game. And that I got
three aces, the game is finished. Yeah all right, Well, look,
(35:28):
I don't think we should get into this bullshit about
the cards. I want to get the money. The money
just as is a good end. But the game is
an end. When you want to be done or when
you have the money, the game ends when we get
called to do backup. You're just making this up, man.
(35:50):
Look all right, Look, we got a job to do,
all right, and more importantly, you're short of me. Who
shorted me? Right now? Yeah? What fucking job do we have?
We got out a job. We gotta be back up.
Looks like one of the guys in the field is needed.
But like why don't you ever come to the field.
I just work in dispatch because I was I did
(36:12):
bad shot out on the field, so that I have
to work in the office. But everybody deserves a second chance.
Should we still have our hands up? Like? What's going on?
Shut up? Shut up? Alright, alright, we're just trying to
have a vapop here. Man, do you want a gun sandwich?
(36:34):
You don't have to answer that, mate, and you cover
up and ask you one more time? Would you like
to sit down tomorrow at night? Definitely? Said everybody. Now
now now, code to, code to. I don't give a ship. Okay,
just eat the bird. I'm getting alert. Oh my god,
(36:56):
looks like someone fund Jason Statham and some underground vaping competition.
This is it, this is our opportunity. Family. Hello, come on,
let's go. That's what we've been trying for. Here we go, baby,
get your jacket, get your jacket, get your jacket, let's go.
Get somebody's time. What happened? What happened you? Oh my gods,
you just ocated your ankles. Jesus Christ called you go,
you just go. I'm not gonna come with you. I'm
(37:18):
not gonna go with that baby. I know, Jason, shut up.
You have to go. Did Callaby? You shut up? Baby?
You're talking to him. He's nice, he listens to me.
I'm sorry, record, I didn't have the choice. I'm tied
(37:40):
up here with my eyes blindfolded because i'm kiss turned.
Answer that. I can't answer it. Answer it. I'm not
answer that. I'm not gonna answer. Probably, Jason, you just
answering Hello, Hello, Okay, right now. It was the force.
(38:02):
They said, go like Star Wars, the force, the police force. Oh,
the police, yes, right, Jesus. And hey, when you get back,
we'll talk. You know what I mean. Your bullshit. You
think I'm gonna leave. I know you're gonna ditch out
with Reggie and you're gonna you're gonna leave her daughter
here with her. This is your chance, this is your
chance to get out of the parking meters redg don't
(38:23):
look up. Don't look up looking up. My name's Curtis.
I'm from Life Alert. I'm here to save you. Okay,
thank you. You're you're in the early stages of cancer. Okay,
you just had a pork burg It was overcooked, um,
but it was crispy. Oh that sounds awful. I'm gonna
get you out of here, okay, because you're a meter
(38:44):
maid and that's not sexy. Oh my god, Hello, Maide
is in the title People love fucking maids. People love maids. God, Look,
what do you want? You want me to quit my job?
I want you to even to right your job. I
am better at my job. Look. I brought a purpin.
(39:04):
I hugged to purple. Okay, I put him in this
in the house. I fed him and doesn't feel like
fate to you. Wow, faith that you took him. You
brought in your own replacement. Wow wow wow wow wow
wow wow wow wow. Truth hurts. Maybe called life alert
(39:26):
for your broken heart? Baby? Okay, wow, you just want
to keep on hurting me. You know what we I'm
gonna take this bag of points and I'm gonna go
for a walk. I'm gonna take you to your doctor's house.
Do you know where he lives? Yeah, he lives. He
lives seven twelve three Oaks Road. Okay, binging that, yes,
got it, don't bing it? Wait then, I'm sure it's
(39:48):
not right. No, I just banged it. It's it's confirmed. Okay.
How many moms? What what is this? Redg what are
you doing here? Just set up an appointment with with
my secretary? No, no, this is this is some an
abnormal thing I've got. I just got saved by life
of it and I've got cancer even though you told
(40:10):
me not to ate. But palk, I'm sorry. Back again
for redo, but we're just gonna leave. This is I'm
so sorry. Guys. No, no, no, it's a three level
version of celebrity. You do. You do the full name
that you do, two words you do? It's so fund
next time. Yeah, what I do is say I'm meeting
(40:32):
cheese guy. No, no, no, what is it? What is it?
I put the meat inside the cheese? How do you understand?
And that is seen to everybody who getting it done
for Crispy Ai, I've seen three is from Jake Dear
(40:57):
Kevin nice and he's nice and he's blah blah blah.
Now that that thought of the way, I have a
scene suggestion. A failed improv comedian is now an up
and coming child behavior specialist, currently touring and consulting in
support of their parenting book titled No But in all
serious uness. Your podcast is my favorite and you have
(41:18):
done a wonderful job with continuity. In these trying times,
we need your corner of bi weekly joy more than
ever now. Thank you, Jake Birch, Missoula, Montana. I'm sorry.
Please stop asking me for a suggestion. I'm just trying
to get my kid to have some help. Okay, stop
(41:39):
asking for a one word suggestion. But if you can
think of any word, what would it be? It's not
I just want I want Timothy to get the help
he acts out, and I know it's just something, so
I don't know a word. Problem. Problem, My child is
a problem. No, no, no, that's that's just do a
(42:00):
sentence anything. Let's let me do this. Somebody this, Um,
how do I do this? Uh? Mommy, why are you angry?
Tell the fellow why you're angry? Thank you, Timothy. I'm
angry because my son is a bad, bad boy. He's bad,
he's rude, projecting, and he says that a lot of
(42:21):
pisces me off. That's a really funny bit, tim Is
that your name? Sure? Tim Timmy's your name? Timothy, tim Timmy, Timothy.
It feels good coming out of your face. Kid, It's good. Uh,
just give me humed me for a moment here. No, no,
you humor me. Here's five bucks, get another pair of
(42:43):
those shoes and bring me the change. Oh oh, you
are good, you are good. You know. Um there is
a local improv theater that I do not get. I'm sorry,
this is where do not get my son into improv.
I would rather be murdered in front of him than
for him to do improv comedy. Okay, um, hey man, Look,
(43:10):
you can't just bring anyone to the chuckle hut. Okay,
you know this is what do you mean? What do
I mean? You can't just vouch for somebody. By the way,
he sounds more like a stand up Oh, come on, everyone,
just stand up. No, it's not true. Stop smiling. I
can't stop. Look, man, there's there's auditions, there's teams. You
(43:33):
know how it goes. You can't just of course I
know how it goes. But there's something going on with you,
my man? What's going on? Give me one word? Sketch, sketch.
You're feeling that, huh? You don't feel comfortable. You want
to write things out more in your life. You want
to have more of a structure, more of a path
where things are going in the beginning to end. Is
that right? Yeah? Yeah, I want to follow a plot, frankly, Yeah, well,
(43:56):
plot plot will help you when it's written now. But
if you're just doing an imprompt too, that's not gonna help. Man.
You can't control that somebody I'm looking. I'm sorry. I
don't mean to walk into the chuckle hut, but I'm
looking for Joey Greer. Where the hell is that? Son
of a gun? Here's the book? No, but before before
you walk in here, where is he? He's on his
throne as he always is. Okay, and don't just call
(44:16):
him Joey Career. You better call him sir Joey Greer.
He gets livid, Okay, he's sponsored by Oh yeah, well
I bought his dumb book and now, my kid, he's
a dangerous society. I followed his instruction. Hey, my man,
I don't know how to what to do here? All right,
(44:38):
Like you're giving us a lot of heat. If you
want to talk to him, you can go on the back,
go to the throne, all right. I'll look for him.
Who is this? Hello? Tall, dark and handsome that dare
come near me in my throne? You must be Joey Greer. Yeah,
well you must pay look tend of Colombo because you
(45:01):
figured that out it so quick. Listen, I read your book, No,
but did you? I did? What was your favorite chapter?
I think the whole thing is la la la la la.
What did you say, Mr Greer, I was just child.
I ruined your child? Yeah? Your book? Oh it's what
(45:28):
was the issue? Exactly? Use your Well. My child was
a good kid, was a good kid, right, and I
tried to raise him as a single dad. And I
thought maybe a little bit of help from somebody that's
trained and has a book, so I picked up No,
but we kid turned into a monster. And what do
you suppose did you share with him from the book
(45:49):
that might have turned him a little left or right? Well,
first of all, the no butt part, it made him
very confrontational. That's terrific. It's just the title. So what
chapter specifically we're looking at? There was a chapter. There
was a chapter about space work. Okay, and he's space
worked all over. Always reach up, always reach up. That's
(46:10):
the one that gets him. Where what's up there? What's
up there? Said Mr Career. Look, Laura, I know it's
my weekend to take the boy, but I don't want him.
I don't I don't give a ship. Okay, I don't care.
I really don't care. I don't care. I don't I
(46:32):
also don't care. I have not been able to have
a person over with this boy. He's always barging into
my room. He's always going through my clothes, and I
need some time for myself. Okay, do you understand that
him give a ship? Okay? You know you used to
(46:54):
love me, by the way. Yeah, I did when I
was young and dumb. Okay, yeah, yeah, And now look
at you? What are you? I'm old and smart? All right?
Good Sam? Are we gonna go? Or what I'm parked in? Up?
I'm parked in like a handicapped on loading zone. Are
we gonna go? Is that your new girlfriend? What is
she eighteen? This time? Nice? Yeah? Actually, yeah, she's eighteen, dabby,
(47:20):
Spin around, spin around? Look at that? Oh oh, I
have a very uneven steps outside of my house. Oh
my god, hears me. I'm trying to unload a handicapped person.
Oh that's my car. Move try to unload a handicapped
(47:45):
I gotta go. Look, I get what this is. No, no,
you walk, you limp yourself. I get what this is.
You miss you missed me. I don't What about anything
I've said? What about anything I have said? Makes you
think I miss you? I don't know. Maybe the top
you're working? Sam? Are we gonna go? Or what? Baby? Oh?
(48:05):
What is she? Fifty seven? Yeah? Yeah? Baby? Spin around
for spin around? You got it? Oh? My shoulder, my
shoulder just oh my trick shoulders just came out? Nice?
Got nice? What excuse me? I'm trying to pick up
a mobile order. Somebody's in the spot. That's me. So yeah,
(48:31):
I'm out of here. Good seeing you know you need
to I'm sorry. You need to take our son, Timothy Okay.
He has behavioral issues, and if he stays with me
any longer, I'm gonna lose it. I'm gonna pop my lid.
I'm gonna pop the top and I'm not going to stop.
How are you saying? Are we gonna go? Oh? Nice?
What is that? A year old man? Bingo? Hey? Turn around?
(48:57):
Look at that? Listen? Does our on? Has therapy have
been working for him? My skin fellow? We need access
to this fire hydrant. Of course, therapy hasn't been working.
You recommended me to your pal that you did improv
with in college. He's a good guy. He's a good guy.
I gotta move my stick that's on that fire hydrant.
(49:20):
And also, don't don't don't say college like that's a
bad thing. You know, short form gets a lot of gough,
but it's it's can be care. I'm not. I'm not
mad about the difference that he did short form instead
of long form. Alright, sport, I've worked a deal and
I've got you go into an improv camp to straighten
you out. Apparently I was the one that read the
(49:44):
book wrong. No, but I'll go to an air hockey camp. No,
you're gonna go to a fucking improv It's it's a
workshop a week long, and you're gonna be studying with
pros over there. Okay, No, but I'll work with amateurs. No, No, listen, listen.
I need you to just, for one moment, step out
(50:05):
of the teachings that I've taught you in the past.
And yes, Anthony here needs you to get in this car. No,
but I'll skateboard down the middle of the street. Okay, Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay,
got this, I got this. You can't sit down in
this car. Um, Well, let me just get a beer
from my tiny fridge. Okay, you must bring that little
(50:29):
beer into this. I'm taking no, but no, hey, hey, wait,
want that kid? It's my kids. I don't give a ship.
But I've never seen this guy before. What what the hell?
They don't? What's going on over here? You just calm down.
(50:50):
This is my kid, right, Okay, this is my kid. No,
this guy? No, but holy shi kid, kid, listen, here's
a hundred and twenty. Do you live your life anyway
you want? Wait? Wait wait, I want to add to that.
I want to add to that. No, but your money
(51:12):
is no good here? No good? Here? Do you mean
a run? Run away? Here? Go go? But I'll stay
here all right? I mean I'm not taking care of you.
I don't know if you want to take care of
you can live with me. You can live with me. No,
you're not coming with me, buddy? No, No, but don't
(51:32):
you're not kid? Yes, I am by Wait where are
you going? I'm out of here. Don't wait for your
hands like you're at a black teck table. I've done. No,
stop showing me your palms. I don't care. No, this
kid's yours. Also, somebody called life with that for this
(51:53):
kid's dad I'm sorry, did you say kids dead? Kids? Right? Right? Uh? Hi,
we beat the ship out of some guy who may
or may not be uh someone's father. Fair. You have
a great day, thank you. Damn that was nice. I
(52:17):
just gave me a little uh like a head's up lunch.
We're doing all right, We're doing all right. I just said,
I was like, holy should do you see that out there?
(52:37):
It's like it's crazy. What do you look at? Sitting outside?
And it's like all these cop cars and like always
like fire trucks, just like breaking through all these people's cars.
And I knew giving the window above the grill was
a misteak. Yeah, it's nice. I get to see like
the city. It's nice. Right. So what do we got
for lunch today? Ah? She um, yeah, I know you
(53:01):
should know that already. That should just trickle off the ton. Well,
it's all veggies. It's just egg plant. Man. I need
some protein, that's all I know. But that's all we got.
So what's for taco Tuesday today? Egg plant? Okay? All right? Good? Hey,
(53:23):
hey Steve, don't encourage him like that. We can't have
eggplant tacos. What the hell is an eggplant taco I
don't want to live in a country that considers eggplant
filling for tacos. I mean it really, it's the tortilla
that makes a taco. You can put anything in there. Okay,
So you want to register your own party for voting,
(53:46):
and your whole platform is eggplants can't be on tacos.
That's all it is. Well, no, there's more to it,
but that's you know, that's I think that's a heading,
that's a that's an attention grabber. Well look at that
on a banner. Will you what's your name? My name
is Stoster Stoc. Are you happy with the way things
(54:06):
are going right now in the government local? Are you
happy with your options on what the next government might
look like? No, buddy, right, you're right. Let's join the movement.
I mean, if I honestly, if I had my dream,
let it go, it would be trolls, right, yeah, join us.
(54:30):
We'll put trolls on the on the on the ballot
for sure. Ice trolls, cave trolls. I just think of
like they're just like wow, you know, yeah, I don't
know a damn thing about trolls, but you have I mean,
sit down, please, let me get it. Let me get
it started. So trolls themselves are believed to be beings
(54:51):
that I'm back, Laura, I miss you. Notice how he
didn't open in the door. You're talking to me through
the screen. I'm not letting you into my house. I'll
take the boy now you want to take him? I
don't want to, but I will fine. Okay, Timothy, what
(55:15):
is that? Come downstairs? Why shut? Your dad is here?
Thank you? Ah? There he is there, he is scaddy.
I haven't seen you in months. I know, I know
I've been Uh what have you been exploring? No, not
(55:36):
like that, Timothy. He has been having sexual intercourse with
every shape, size, and age of human being you can imagine.
And that to him, to your father takes priority over
taking care a form of exploration. That's right. And now
daddy's very sick. Oh dad, you did you get yourself
a little something? Yeah, Laura, it ain't it ain't good.
(56:01):
You have an S T I. What is the I
stand for? You're not supposed to say st D anymore
because disease stigmatizes it, so you say infection s t I. Okay,
it's it's a straight up disease. It's a straight up
disease infect you thinking a couple of you know, antibiotics.
(56:22):
It's it ain't good. What is it? It's the big one, Sam,
I'm sorry, just alright, somehow you have both an s
t I and an STD. I really have to get
back to this dinner party. But but just mean, I
want to know did it come from the partners I've
been with or did it come it's actually transmitted about
(56:42):
but a lot of pork? Doctor, doctor did what? Okay? Yeah,
I'm so glad I cut your heir at home. I
had another question. I just want to run by you
and make sure I'm okay. Okay, we're just gonna leave.
We tried for the third time, but it's so much
on come on, no, no, it's great celebrities in there there,
(57:04):
heart of mind. We don't mind coming over and then leaving.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the chuckle Hunts. Obviously tonight
you were all here to bow down before the comedy
genius of Sir Joey Career. Yes, no, but I'll have to.
He should, but he has a special he has a
(57:25):
special guest with him tonight. Somebody who went right through
the ranks took no class no classes, no rehearsals, no teams.
This is his first show. So put together an idea
of a suggestion in your mind. So ahead, to put
(57:48):
together an idea of a suggestion in your mind. Because
no regardless. Oh okay, I gotta I gotta guess. Okay,
here they come Joey Green, Sir Joey Greer and guests. Okay, hollo,
I'm so glad to be here. Where am I? Okay?
(58:13):
I want to just see you to my special guest first,
and then I'm gonna go lie down. He's gonna be
out here for twelve minutes. Please welcome Dr Poop. No
one's no one's coming to the stage. What's going on?
I don't know. This is some avant garde shit. I
(58:34):
like this. Hey, get up there? What go up there? What?
What what are you talking about? Go up there? Go play?
You said Dr Poop is going up there? What I
go up there? But no one's up there. Maybe he
means anybody can be Dr Poop. Then he would have
said that, why what I assume that make assumptions. That's
a big part of what we do. I know that
(58:55):
I'm just going to go up there. God damn psychologist dude,
I'm just go you know what you're talking about. Okay,
come drink, Actually give me a drink. Hello, Joey's so sorry.
I'm late. I got held up at a dinner party
at my house. Hey everyone, dr pop what? Sorry? That's
(59:18):
our show for today? What I was wondering what that
doctor's name was. Thank you also very much for being Yeah,
who would not want to be in the waiting room
for Dr poop? Christ Offer? Thank you so much for
joining us today. How is Sunny still a good boy?
Sunny is still a good boy. We gave him my
(59:38):
hair cut this morning. Nice and he looks so cute.
If you want to see just how cute, go to
at Sunny as a good boy on Instagram. Indo Caroline Connor,
thank you. So when does the drive across the country
begin tomorrow? Tomorrow? Is that real? It is real? Five am.
I'm leaving in a car right and you've you've you've
(01:00:03):
decided to pick people up along the way. Is that
still the plan? Yeah, but nobody has gotten to me
about anything. So let me know. I'm down to make
it flexible. I'll pick you up wherever you are in
the US. Just hit me up and The destination, of course,
is beautiful New Jersey. Yes, still, i'll need an address
(01:00:24):
in a street name. How's your car? Oh? I brought
it to the shop, had to pay a big fun
ton of money to get it fixed. So if it
breaks down, which I think it will, I'm gonna lose
my damn marbles. But that's kind of it. Oh beautiful, Well,
good luck. Please give us some progress reports if you
don't mind, you got it. I'm getting emails people want
(01:00:46):
to absolutely no, James, ZENI thank you so much for
joining us. As always, Where should folks find you? They
can find me at the real James Heeney dot com.
That's a pretty easy way to find me. I wh
just rebought the website, so I want to use it.
I'm gonna keep you using it. Get a good price.
Uh it's it's bundled with several other websites. Wow, yeah,
(01:01:13):
all right, James. Um, I can't wait to hear more
from you about the Patreon roundup and all the exciting things.
We should do it real soon because this is coming
to a close and I've got a lot of Uh.
I'm doing a lot of college tour shows, but they're
all online and zoom. So I am here, but my
(01:01:33):
windows are smaller than usual. Oh okay, thanks for the
heads up, greg Kowski. Yes, uh, it's uh. It's been
political convention week, so I've heard the phrase, uh, drink
the kool Aids tossed her out a lot. Uh. But
and not only is it kind of grotesque to cadre
up the master suicide of seven Jones, but it's also
(01:01:56):
not accurate because, of course the Jim Jones masket. People
drink flavor Aid. Are you sure that we're not talking
about the electric kool Aid asset tests? Well, I think
those ideas are somewhat conflated. But I think when people
say drink the kool aid, they're talking about being indoctrinated
into a cult rather than to uh have some fantastic
(01:02:17):
i as to go on a drink, tune in and
drop out. Okay, I didn't know I drink the kool
aid though. And Joseph of German, any any shows or
sites or anything you want to plug or mention or
give nothing's going on. I'm I'm spiraling out, okay, spiraling
(01:02:40):
out dot com. That's it, check out, James Heeney, that's it.
Appreciate that as well all right, Joe, you look a
little strokey. Let's give all our thanks to engineer and
producing the stars, Mr Dougvaine. Folks that I heart media.
(01:03:03):
I'm your host, Kevin Poll. I love to read your emails.
I'm a little behind on replying, though, I am keeping
a list, so thanks for your patience. Right to us
at your name here talking to this dot com. Please
wear a mask when you go outdoors and be as
kind to each other as you possibly can. It will help.
Until next time.
Wellcome back to another episode. What about alchemy? This covidition
on your host, Kevin Pollock, Yes, Kevin, No, I'm actually
okay never shaking another hand, though I will miss the
awkwardness of doing. But I digress this. When you're not
going to show me no particular order, say how to
eat caroline cutter cuttered cream. When ship hits the fan,
(00:27):
which alchemist do you want in the bunker? And why? Um,
that's a good question. When you say it hits a fan,
do you mean like the world is ending or somehoever?
You kill me? How fever, I'm gonna assume someone's coming
to kill me. I'm gonna say I think James because
(00:48):
he has so many computers and equipment that like something,
something has to be figured out by that. Yeah, here
doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you don't know how
to work them. It's just that I need the equipment there.
I think it will be good. The equipment can bar
the door, like all those computers can just be a
(01:09):
block damn right place. Hello to Chris albarad Oh dis Chris,
not that? Do you think James is gonna be okay? Definitely?
You know why? You know what? Because he is so loved,
So even if he falls, or he trips or makes
mistakes over whatever he does, he's gonna fall in arms
(01:33):
outstretched to him. Everybody who knows James loves him. Isn't
that true? Except for the jerks on his Facebook page.
Hey there's Craig Kakowski. Ko, please pitch us a new
greeting gesture to replace the handshake? Well, uh, if you
were call Sam Sam Wainwright from It's a Wonderful Life.
(01:56):
Does that? He uh? Involves like sticking your thumbs and
both of your ears, waving your fingers like you're a donkey. Look, everybody,
everybody in the alchemy this cast is already doing it.
I think it's time for heat ought to come back.
I am so fucking down. Everyone get in that position
for Chris's photo. Sam Wayne Right, he dog soybeans? Hot dog?
(02:24):
H Why there's James Heeney the heat for four hundred.
The fine folks at Costco claimed that their outdoor window
offering of a hot dog and beverage with free refill
is a loss leader. Are you buying that? And if so,
what would you like on it? I think if they
wanted to be smart and make money. They'd put that
(02:45):
thing deep inside of Costco, so you'd have to navigate
the aisles to get to because it is a good deal,
and I can get that deal in front of their
store and then walk away. But if they buried it deep,
I'd have to get a membership. That's the question. You'll
stop five and now and then I don't know if
(03:07):
I answered that right. Oh no, you you answered it right?
Is that the question? And last? But take the cat
for a walk. If you think of least it's Joey
greer Joe from that Doe Joe. Which of all animals
have you talked to the longest? Holy shit? Uh? Right,
(03:28):
there is a I think it's a possum. There's a dead,
bloated possum outside my house, and I speak to that
animal every single day. I've I've needed different clothes. I
made a small, little little home for exactly like a
two story placial estate for what a possum want to have.
But to you, it's a little home. It's a little home.
(03:49):
It's like, you know, like nine ft tall. Yeah, you're
you're not staying thousand square feet? No, no, I'm not
staying there. Um, But I do want to just say
that James is six eight and he his red hair.
All right, let's do a damn show. Almost all of
our scene suggestions gathered from our listener emails please send
yours to your name here at alcum to this dot com,
(04:12):
and some of the scenes are suggested by Patreon supporters
of the show and who and get They enjoy, of course,
exclusive content and other perks which, by the way, James,
we need to step up. If you'd like to join them,
head on over to Patreon dot com slash alchemy. This
all right, let's get the scene. One from Lloyd, who wrote,
(04:32):
I'm a truck driver in your program has been the
source of endless laughter and entertainment for my fiance and
me through many long hours on the road during these
crazy uncertain times. At least it had been until James
turned us onto Macaulay Culkin's wonderful podcast about dead Rabbits
in a free ad plug he did a couple of
(04:54):
weeks back. Though we're no longer have any time for
your show, what with the dead Rabbits and all, I
thought this breakup might go a little easier with a
scene suggestion. It follows a dirty old lady who makes
compromising life decisions in order to hit on the life
alert dispatchers. PS. You guys are great. Keep doing what
(05:19):
you're doing. We just wanted you to know. It's not you.
It's James Crely, sincerely, your formerly biggest non Patreon fans.
Nice word game. Dispatch your nine How can I help you?
Dispatch your nine four four trains? Free call over? Okay,
(05:43):
what's the emergency? I um, I'm sorry, hold on, I
got a cross connection dispatch nine four four? Uh could
you please hold back. I'm talking on the phone with
somebody that's got an emergency. I'm not exactly sure what
we need right now. Ahead and say your emergency dispatch
(06:05):
to six one over. Dispatches, All dispatches, please hold off.
I'm trying to find out which which of your expertise
are needed. I don't know the emergency yet, and I'm
sorry you are who the Lord our savior? I'm Jared
the operator at nine one one facilities and step off. Everybody.
(06:26):
No one could thank you. Um ma'am have you fallen down?
Are you having difficulty getting dispatcher? You interrupting an operator
in nine one one? I have got this is this
is between me and what was your name? No? I
want you both and my name is Janice. H what's
(06:48):
your What are your names? I heard that Cliff, Jared
and Jared and Cliff. Yes, I will. I'm not sure
if you're gonna work with Cliff or not. It's dependent
said what ind of emergency you have. Cliff has a
certain set of skills, and I know which which of
my dispatchers I can send out. Shall I go through
my set of skills at this point, ma'am, please and
(07:10):
say it low and slow. Janice, don't be dissuaded like
Cliffs are gonna give you his skills right now. But
your emergency is unique to you. Alright, go ahead. I
think he just said massage and that's and that's exactly
what I need. Massage. Um, Jannis, I'm gonna put you
(07:33):
on hold for one moment. Hello, I've been trying to
get through for so long, but it seems the phone
lines have been clogged. I I fairly inside my toilet
and my body is stuck inside the little funnel that
goes talking. You're talking to give me the phone. What
(07:57):
did I tell you about making phone calls? Ship? I
can't that's right, that's right now, looks. As soon as
your rich son pays the fucking ransom, then you can
call wherever you want to. You understand? Are you still there? Hello?
Someone on the phone. Give me the no certain you
(08:20):
fell inside your toilet? Is that that's what I'm getting?
I can hear you. I fell in shine? My choice? Yes?
How do I turn this fucking thing off? Okay, I'm
calling youth? Hello? Shut up, I'm calling your son. It's
(08:41):
ringing stay in Hello. Hello, Hello, Hey, it's the bad
guy who has your grandmother. I'm part of it, your mom? Yeah, yeah,
excuse me, sir. Sorry, I know you're on the phone.
But would you like caviar? Or you don't want to
hear the second option? Okay? Great, Um, I'll put it
(09:02):
in your dog's bowl? Thank you? Okay, what was it?
Tough guy? I have your mom here. How she's doing
She's not doing well? Here, listen to her say something. Okay,
I'm in the toy land and my whole thought she
love you? Do you love her? Well? I mean sure?
(09:22):
Look all we're asking for excuse me, I hope. I
hate to interrupt this phone call, but would you like
these hot towels on your face? Yes? Thank you if
you want to see if you want to see your
mom hundred thousand. So you want half a million to
release my mother back into my care? Yeah, I mean
(09:46):
otherwise I'm gonna flush it down this toilet. Uh huh
is that you or me? Hold on a second. Hello, Well,
this is Curtis from Life Alert. U. I'm not sure
how I got you, but I got a call from
(10:06):
inside a toilet. Uh. And we we've traced the call
to a to a toilet on the north side. Yeah,
let me connect you. Uh thanld on a second, Hey,
tough guy. Yeah, yeah, I got Life Alert calling for
your mother. Don't it's your mom? It's your feet are
(10:27):
getting so soft? Do you feel like she's your mom? Now?
So alright, listen, you have until three o'clock today. Did
you hear that is like paper? It's like paper? Hello,
Life Alert. Yeah, I think I inivertly called somebody sir before.
I just wanted to make sure I got everybody's pronouns
(10:48):
correct on this call. Okay, Hi, Curtis, I'm I'm a
bad guy. I'm doing bad things. You get it. Curtis,
Thanks for are coming in and talking with me. We
reviewed to some of the audio from your previous calls,
and I just want to say, first and foremost, we
(11:08):
love it. We love it. We think you're doing some
fantastic work here, and we actually want to promote you
and put you in a position to um well, to
go in the field, not just be doing phone calls,
to go out there and help the people who fall
in and can't get up exactly. We need you to
go out on the street, find people who are falling,
and maybe more importantly, if you could make people fall Jim,
(11:31):
are you inco Taco Tuesday? Jim, I am in. I
have a hundred. Okay, sorry, I'm there's a Taco Tuesday. Kurt,
give me one second. Here? Are we doing veggies? Are
we doing me? Whatever you want? Whatever I want? Okay,
well then veggies, Yes, veggies. I've been told you just
bring my lunch all along, Kurt, give me a second. Yeah, okay,
(11:54):
So if we're doing me, can we do okay, can
we do Carnista this time instead of pork? Is that park? No?
I said? Instead? Janiceon? Is this the same woman that
called yesterday for a foot massage? You remember me? Yes?
It is Listen, I this is nine one one, and
we only deal with real emergencies here. So what I'm
(12:15):
gonna give you if you get a pen and paper,
but I think you really need is life Alert. Life
Alert is for you know, when it's not really an
emergency and you don't really need to call nine one one. Um,
I don't. I don't have that in my house. I'm
all digital here. Okay, well maybe type it into the computer.
Do you have an extra note pad up on your computer? Yes?
(12:39):
All right, so actually, you know what if you're from
a computer, just go to go to your whatever search process.
Are you like to just search for nine one one
is used? Bing dot com is my preferred Okay, well
(13:00):
use that one. Not that, but you could use Safari, Opera, Google, Firefox,
any of those. Don't you just you listed browser types? Not? Yeah?
I already did. Okay, we didn't even ask me what
(13:21):
my emergency was. I know you don't have an emergency.
I have calor ID d janis. You're trying to get
Cliff on the line, or you're trying to get one
of our other dispatchers. Just getting account with like want
a massage? Like I want a massage covered by my insurance?
So how does it feel old? Lady, to know that
your own son doesn't love you. I can see my bones.
(13:43):
I can see my bone. Just look, I'm not enjoying this. Okay.
I used to clean your pool. You know I liked
you to be honest, but I also know your son
is loaded. Just stand just stand up. All my mushrooms
(14:05):
have fell down the bathroom tubes. I want to know
how you feel about your son not not helping you
out here? Why can I still feel my bones? All
the nerves are gone? Okay, this is the sing bong.
(14:25):
Can I get your door? I'll get your door. I
can't get out. I'm stuck. Hello. Hey, I'm Curtis from
Life Alert. Um the fuck? Do you want a carnetas
or I have I have a fish taco? Or there's
a there's an assada here? Um, maybe you want something
(14:46):
to eat? Maybe you wanna sandwich, You want a gun sandwich?
Get in here. I don't want a gun sandwich. Get
in here. I don't know I had tons of top
of the lady, I don't need a gun sandwich. H Oh,
are you all right? Are you? Are you down there
(15:07):
with the toilet? I'm down here in the toyland, ma'am.
I'm Curtis. My pronouns are he him? Curtis? Is there
anybody in your life who loves you and has a
lot of money? No? No, I'm not not that close
(15:27):
with my folks. Uh. I guess my manager at Life Alert,
I'm pretty close with Okay, okay, okay, so he's at
Life Alert. What's his name? Oh it's okay, okay, okay,
you two just hang out here. Don't fucking move. I
still have this gun pointed right at you. He sent
(15:49):
me out to trip people to try to drum up
more business by low. Hi, can I speak to the manager? Please? Hi? Um,
I have one of your employees here, Curtis, I believe
it is. Oh hey, yeah, how's he doing? Not great?
He's in a lot of trouble. You see. I'm a
bad guy. Yeah, I'm a bad bad guy. And in
(16:11):
order for me to release Curtis, I'm gonna need some
moola and fellow elak after the elderly. I don't have
time for this. Oh good, good, good good. A southern drawl.
That's not the manager I was thinking of. Oh okay, wait,
is there somebody higher than you, sir? I think of
my direct No. No, he's lower than him, higher than me.
I'm thinking my direct supervisor whose name escapes thing? Okay, yeah, sir, yeah,
(16:36):
can I speak to your supervisor? Please? My supervisor. So
you want to make somebody above me? That's correct? Wait? What?
Thank you? Thank you? Curtis? You you're a doll by
the way, Curtis, Um, no, is there somebody? Is this?
Somebody who's below you but still you know, has a
managerial position. You want to blow me? Goodbye? Oh, ma'am, ma'am,
(17:04):
I'm here to help. Oh one nine one, Hello, Hi,
my name is Jim Hornberg down okay one, My is
Horborge over River. Is exactly how it sounds. Listen to
(17:24):
serve ship, sir. Listen, I've been I lost one of
my employees. I work at Life Alert. Okay, I told
him to cloud. You work at Life Alert. I work
at Life Alert. Okay. Yes, I'm not proud of it. Alright,
I've been a low level supervisor. I should be working
my way up at this point. I understand that I
know what's available. Okay, but this is the professions of
corporate America, all right. Things follow me because the people
(17:47):
about me, they don't want to do it. And they
asked me to do it. And guess what, I've turned
into a bad manager guy. I got another call, but
I can tell this is an emergency. Should just hold
on one second? You have a rotary phone at nine one? Hello? Hi, Um,
I really need jan rubbed my boy, Janice. I can't,
I can't take this right now. There's a real emergency.
(18:08):
Right now is a real This is a real emergency.
The blood is pooling at my ankles for real. Yeah, Jennie,
hold on one second. I mean, hello, it's easy to
call down credit card. I don't get a credit card
because they don't trust me with that kind of corporate
(18:30):
Jim Horpe Jrger. It's Jim Horpe Jerger. I don't know
why I spaced on that. It's such such a memorable name. Okay,
I banged it. I banged it and it's Jim Horbitrger Lilt, Yes, Hi,
I need to speak to Jim Horber Jerger. Oh yeah,
what do you need with Jim? None of your business
just passed me through the place. No, I kind of
(18:51):
is my business because I'm a dispatcher. So, um, what
do you need? Somebody fell down? Uh? Huh? Could you
be more general. No, okay, hold, let me get Jim. Okay,
might yeah, what her up? Talk of God? Him? Yummy?
(19:20):
The phone for you? Also? Hello, Hi, Mr Horberner, jerk?
Who is this? I'm a bad guy? Are you? And
I I'm not great? I mean quite a situation here.
I have an elderly woman who's stuck in the toilet,
and I have an employee of yours. You might recognize
(19:42):
this voice, Jim, It's Curtis. I blanked on your name.
I'm so sorry. It's okay, all right, Well this threat
is definitely sounding like some kind of math problem. So
going okay. So if one old lady is in the
toilet and one of your employees is here, not harmed,
but away from his van, and I need upwards of
(20:02):
five thousand dollars? Is what? Curtis has? A van? Did
you come in a van? It's a minivan? Yeah, a minivan.
I didn't. I did not know that, Curtis. I didn't.
You didn't. You don't strike me as a mini van? Candic?
Do you the family? Curtis? Curtis, he's asking all these
questions about you. Here, can take a phone. Hello, this
Curtis Curtis. Look I realized I don't know a lot
(20:24):
about you, okay, and I want you to know I
want above the board. And I called nine one to
search for you, all right, I uh, nine one one
the enemy I called. I called the enemy to look
for you. Look. I don't know a lot about you, alright,
and I know you're with a bad guy. You're probably
making bad calls. I don't know, but I forgive you, alright, jam,
I've dummed up so much business for the company. I
(20:46):
got a lady in a toilet here and I'm about
to trip this guy. What if you do this? Oh god? Now,
who's the bad guy? Called N one? What's the number?
And that scene one? Ah yeah, mommy, make it stop.
(21:12):
Seen two come fries from patron v I P Chris
A k A. Crispy A who wrote, Hello Kevin, for
the sake of brevity, you're all awesome and my scene
suggestion is a vapor shop. Please keep doing what you're
doing Chris from the UK. Thank you, Crispy. And that
(21:37):
one's called the Flying Dragon. I could do. I could
do pigeons, which light. What's this one called? Uh uh?
That was not for sale just yet, but it's not
in the market. What about that one? Uh? This is
uh tweeled? What's this one with the hooks on it? Uh?
That's does love? Which? This one looks like a my foot? Uh? Crackophobia?
(22:04):
Did you know all these things? Man's sick? Dude, it's
my shop, it's my shop. Listen, look before listen. The
way you pick a vape is not just like what
looks cool? It's like what do you need? Are we
talking injection of nicotine to the system asap? But we
talked about I mean yeah kind of Are we talking
(22:25):
like clouds for days? You know what I mean? Are you?
Are you getting needle vapes? I mean? I got a
couple of neal apes? What's that one called spink O?
That one? How's it going? Hey? How's it going good?
You take a number? No, I can help you. This
(22:46):
guy's just looking you go to Statham stink A matter
of fact, I do. Did you want that blueberry or
passion fruit? Passion? Holy? Sure? You are you Jason Stathum? No? Mate?
Get that a lot? Then I saw you in the Meg.
That's great? What's your name? Crop? You watched the Meg? Uh? Huh?
(23:11):
Do you lose a bet? Did you want to photo something?
Because I really want to get this vape and go.
Wait are you see them? Oh man, I'm just trying
to get out of you. You know what I mean?
I love a photo that'll be sick. These are free.
These are free. If you are him, I gotta charge you.
If you're not, I'm tasting. We gotta go, We gotta
(23:32):
go get get the vap and we gotta get back
in the car. Oh fox sake. Sorry mate, Yeah, I
don't mind paying for him. And let's student photo real
quick here. Okay, hey listen, I just want to let
both you know. We're having an underground competition here tonight.
We'll kind of in petition, a vape competition. You know what,
(23:52):
I don't even need to know if it's underground. I
mean what time? Okay, it's ship that's start. We have
a lot of different categories. We have up in smoke category,
we have nicotine, Nico nine category, A lot of different categories,
right Jason, that they're giving me a ticket right now.
(24:12):
You got to hurry up. They've given me a ticket
right now. I swear, crush. I want to put a
nice pit three of fucking eye getting the cat. Sorry man, look,
I don't care who you are. You're parked in a
handicapped on loading zone. I'm gonna have to give you
a ticket. All right, that's just how you didn't understand.
You understand, it's just for a second chasing state them.
You know what, Jason states inside that vape shop. Right now,
(24:38):
we're gonna be in, we're gonna be out. We can't
go to a regular poking spot. It's going to be
a big, big deal. Please just give me to give
you what fifteen minutes. No, I'm not gonna give you minutes.
If I see somebody show up here with that wheelchair
or a handicap sign, I'll pull out of the spot.
But right now there's nobody using it. Sir. There are
several meter spots ahead of you that are open, and
(24:59):
you have not chosen them or even decided to like
use that as a as a as a thing that
Jason Statham is an action hero. He's gonna come running
out here and he needs to be able to hope
in this car right away. Okay, so please just give
me five more minutes. I'll give you five minutes, but
it's gonna cost you. I'm gonna need a photo with
(25:20):
Jason Statham all right, all right, all right, you stay here,
we'll take one quick photo when he comes out. Don't worry,
he loves photos. We'll hurry it up. Okay, So it's
um by only. Okay, make sure you know it's category
you're signing up for ahead of time or some kinding.
(25:41):
You just show up, you need to show up. Here's
here's the transporter too. Yeah, that one's that. The Transporter
two is on sale, Transporter three not on sale? What
do I do? What do I do? This fly? I
don't gonna bring this back doing. No, the deuce is
the deuces are? That's actually clearance right now. But it's
(26:03):
known to hurt. We've already got We've already got a
bunch of people outside waiting for you to get photos.
It's like com on corn all over again. Get done,
Get back in the car, all right, back right? You
got a back way out of him, mate? Yeah, yeah,
you can come up behind the counter with red. You
made rob back you fuck by the way. You might
(26:26):
meet somebody in the back. Just keep walking. She's gonna
ask you for things. Just keep going. Okay, fair enough?
And het hate this flashlight? Oh thanks mate? Sure are
you give enough flashlights? No, that's just for him to
use to go through the bag. Hey, are you going
to compete in that or what? Man? I was thinking
(26:49):
about it, but you know, most of my skin on
my feet is are like really raw. I don't know
how long I can stand? You can sit? Oh? All right? Yeah?
M like, is he is he coming up from the front?
Where is he? I've been waiting for how long? I
(27:09):
think he's gonna be just one second? Uh? This is
your first time in one of these underground vapeofs Yeah,
I think it is. Yeah, alright, alright, nice, you're in
for a treatment. Let me tell you this is not
the first time we've had a celebrity here. Oh yeah,
who your else yet? STRAI sam right, all the ses,
(27:31):
I all the yeah. But this might be the first
time we've had a celeb with a vape pen named
after them. All right, right, he tried State from Saint.
I have tried I yeah, I have sucked deep from
stateroom Staint. It's a bad Yeah. So you you were
you showed up specifically to get a States from States. Well,
(27:54):
it's from me, mum, all right, I'll be honest, I
don't understand half of what you're saying, but it's it's
so goddamn it timid. Okay, everyone, alright, alright here we
go ahead to sign yet, please do so? Ok we
all want to face. We all want to I don't
(28:17):
know what it is. Why when I talk is everyone's screen?
She just wanted, Oh, alright, sign up? All I forgot
to sign up. I gotta sign up. You gotta play.
We got a babe, I might well here. Why why
(28:38):
would we need to sign up before here? Already? What?
You gotta get on the list, and you gotta get
on the right list, and you gotta end the list
in the order that you sign up. So I don't
do lists. So I think I'm all right, man, you're crazy.
Stris ended the same thing. She's like a bird that one. Now, Reggie,
(28:58):
I don't give a ship. Okay, you're gonna staying my
goddamn home until Jason Statham comes and picks you up
and I get a goddamn photo. All right. You don't
understand he doesn't even know him here. How is he
gonna come here and get you a photo? The last
he saw me, I was outside of that vape shop.
But then you better text him or you better call him.
Or send a pigeon with a cell phone strap to
(29:19):
its throat. I don't care how you do it, sweetheart.
You're burning burgers. Oh goddamnit. Shit, why do you have
me blindfolded sucking pork burgers? God damn it. Don't say
something was wrong with him? Did somebody else in the room.
I've been kidnapped, mom. I'm scared. Who's the burgers? Are gonna? Be? Fine?
(29:42):
Scared about the burgers. I don't want them to be burned.
I want them to be juicy and cooked just right.
You know, I like my pork burgers. So do I, Claire,
So do I? All right, he's God damn it, this
fucking porkos jeeves. Well, you know what, fuck it, Reggie,
You're gonna get one of the burned ones. I'm sorry.
I wish it was I wish it was a different
(30:03):
kind of you know, introductions, and I thinking, but those
carcinogens cause cancer. Please, I don't want to have a
bunt burger. You're not gonna disrespect me. Look, I was
gonna be honest as your doctor. Carcinogens cause cancer? Okay,
yeah no, so that's why you don't So I should
(30:24):
switch to vape exactly by definition, carcinogens cause cancer, right,
and what's the confusion? Uh? Look, you're the water showed
up at my front door. Man, I've having a dinner
party right now. Doctor. I'm sorry, there're a lot hell
(30:44):
making up online. I know, I know, but I just
had a question I needed. I'll ask you. Should I
wait in line? Yeah, get on the list? I think
I think maybe he could. I think so. Carcinogens. Oh,
let me just ask really quick. Carcinogens in smoke. When
you're smoking, it's you know, that's carcinogens. Obviously. Do you
burn a bunker? Is that crescent angens too? Burger? Any bug?
(31:09):
Because once it's but it's just carcinogens, right, just different burger.
It's pure carcinogen, but it's just particularly particularly acute in pork. Cute? Good?
All right? Okay are you yes? Dr? My question? Okay,
I've been wrapping cheese around different pieces of meat and
(31:31):
just eating the meat raw, and I want to know,
is that is that cancer? Okay? Look I'm an oncologist,
I'm not a dietician. Yes, Dr Arline, here, are you
in the list? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yah, yeah, I put
it put the hell I'm on the list. You're not.
You're just gonna not gonna answer my question. Mar I'm
on the list. It's a stupid question. Frank, Frank, thank
(31:52):
you so much for hosting us. This is such a
beautiful dinner party. We're gonna go. It seems like you're
busy out here. We're gonna go. I just know I
took the turkey I put in my purse. So we'll
just thank you, thank you. We're going to play celebrity.
We'll we'll see you next time. Tell eleanor we we
had a great time, and thank you for stay. Stay.
(32:14):
I'm just dealing with some patience, with some quick questions.
You didn't answer my question. You didn't answer me. Don't
much food, don't meat raw, but but it's prepped in cheese.
Little go, little girl, come, you don't have to stand.
Stop coming at my Ankles's going on here, grabbing ankles?
(32:37):
A girl, A little girl. What do you want to
stay in front of my dad? Get some raw pork.
Somebody's gonna go get Jason Stathum and he will save me. Okay.
The last place I saw him was at the vape shop.
At a vape shop, you're right. Next thing you're gonna
tell me is Eddie is a vade neath Sorry, right
(33:03):
in this corner smoking Statham, stained Chase, some stathem themselves
in smoking tweedle dumb Marty Cafald. What's going on with Marty?
(33:31):
He's coffee, you know? But you know the competition is
just to see who can end up the most tobacco.
Is that the competition was? Yeah, I think that's what's happening.
Usually they make tricks or something, but they just went
to sucking right away. Oh again, so this is just
the sucking of it. But there's there's different categories for
different vaporing techniques and skills. Yeah, but I think this fight,
(33:53):
it seems to be just them inhaling as much and
as fast as possible. Every every rule will freeze, freeze.
Please get me out of this toilet. Shut up. I'd
do as you ask, you would owe the guns and all.
But I do have a question for you. You what's that?
(34:16):
Would you like to sit down at noon tomorrow? I
don't any back up. I don't know what that. I
don't know what that means kind of back up is requested? Hey,
Steve Um, I think I might be in danger. I'm
(34:37):
not maybe saying Larry and the guys glery, Um, yeah, sure,
we'll sen up on bikes. Hold on, what what was
the hesitation? What's up? Usually when people ask for back up,
they know what they want. It's not like usually maybe
send whoever. Yeah, let's what be fair. Just it's a
(35:01):
weird situation here. Just trust me. Well it looks like
I got three aces. Boys, were just get an alert.
We're gonna be the backup. We gotta get an our.
We we're gonna fish the game. And that I got
three aces, the game is finished. Yeah all right, Well, look,
(35:28):
I don't think we should get into this bullshit about
the cards. I want to get the money. The money
just as is a good end. But the game is
an end. When you want to be done or when
you have the money, the game ends when we get
called to do backup. You're just making this up, man.
(35:50):
Look all right, Look, we got a job to do,
all right, and more importantly, you're short of me. Who
shorted me? Right now? Yeah? What fucking job do we have?
We got out a job. We gotta be back up.
Looks like one of the guys in the field is needed.
But like why don't you ever come to the field.
I just work in dispatch because I was I did
(36:12):
bad shot out on the field, so that I have
to work in the office. But everybody deserves a second chance.
Should we still have our hands up? Like? What's going on?
Shut up? Shut up? Alright, alright, we're just trying to
have a vapop here. Man, do you want a gun sandwich?
(36:34):
You don't have to answer that, mate, and you cover
up and ask you one more time? Would you like
to sit down tomorrow at night? Definitely? Said everybody. Now
now now, code to, code to. I don't give a ship. Okay,
just eat the bird. I'm getting alert. Oh my god,
(36:56):
looks like someone fund Jason Statham and some underground vaping competition.
This is it, this is our opportunity. Family. Hello, come on,
let's go. That's what we've been trying for. Here we go, baby,
get your jacket, get your jacket, get your jacket, let's go.
Get somebody's time. What happened? What happened you? Oh my gods,
you just ocated your ankles. Jesus Christ called you go,
you just go. I'm not gonna come with you. I'm
(37:18):
not gonna go with that baby. I know, Jason, shut up.
You have to go. Did Callaby? You shut up? Baby?
You're talking to him. He's nice, he listens to me.
I'm sorry, record, I didn't have the choice. I'm tied
(37:40):
up here with my eyes blindfolded because i'm kiss turned.
Answer that. I can't answer it. Answer it. I'm not
answer that. I'm not gonna answer. Probably, Jason, you just
answering Hello, Hello, Okay, right now. It was the force.
(38:02):
They said, go like Star Wars, the force, the police force. Oh,
the police, yes, right, Jesus. And hey, when you get back,
we'll talk. You know what I mean. Your bullshit. You
think I'm gonna leave. I know you're gonna ditch out
with Reggie and you're gonna you're gonna leave her daughter
here with her. This is your chance, this is your
chance to get out of the parking meters redg don't
(38:23):
look up. Don't look up looking up. My name's Curtis.
I'm from Life Alert. I'm here to save you. Okay,
thank you. You're you're in the early stages of cancer. Okay,
you just had a pork burg It was overcooked, um,
but it was crispy. Oh that sounds awful. I'm gonna
get you out of here, okay, because you're a meter
(38:44):
maid and that's not sexy. Oh my god, Hello, Maide
is in the title People love fucking maids. People love maids. God, Look,
what do you want? You want me to quit my job?
I want you to even to right your job. I
am better at my job. Look. I brought a purpin.
(39:04):
I hugged to purple. Okay, I put him in this
in the house. I fed him and doesn't feel like
fate to you. Wow, faith that you took him. You
brought in your own replacement. Wow wow wow wow wow
wow wow wow wow. Truth hurts. Maybe called life alert
(39:26):
for your broken heart? Baby? Okay, wow, you just want
to keep on hurting me. You know what we I'm
gonna take this bag of points and I'm gonna go
for a walk. I'm gonna take you to your doctor's house.
Do you know where he lives? Yeah, he lives. He
lives seven twelve three Oaks Road. Okay, binging that, yes,
got it, don't bing it? Wait then, I'm sure it's
(39:48):
not right. No, I just banged it. It's it's confirmed. Okay.
How many moms? What what is this? Redg what are
you doing here? Just set up an appointment with with
my secretary? No, no, this is this is some an
abnormal thing I've got. I just got saved by life
of it and I've got cancer even though you told
(40:10):
me not to ate. But palk, I'm sorry. Back again
for redo, but we're just gonna leave. This is I'm
so sorry. Guys. No, no, no, it's a three level
version of celebrity. You do. You do the full name
that you do, two words you do? It's so fund
next time. Yeah, what I do is say I'm meeting
(40:32):
cheese guy. No, no, no, what is it? What is it?
I put the meat inside the cheese? How do you understand?
And that is seen to everybody who getting it done
for Crispy Ai, I've seen three is from Jake Dear
(40:57):
Kevin nice and he's nice and he's blah blah blah.
Now that that thought of the way, I have a
scene suggestion. A failed improv comedian is now an up
and coming child behavior specialist, currently touring and consulting in
support of their parenting book titled No But in all
serious uness. Your podcast is my favorite and you have
(41:18):
done a wonderful job with continuity. In these trying times,
we need your corner of bi weekly joy more than
ever now. Thank you, Jake Birch, Missoula, Montana. I'm sorry.
Please stop asking me for a suggestion. I'm just trying
to get my kid to have some help. Okay, stop
(41:39):
asking for a one word suggestion. But if you can
think of any word, what would it be? It's not
I just want I want Timothy to get the help
he acts out, and I know it's just something, so
I don't know a word. Problem. Problem, My child is
a problem. No, no, no, that's that's just do a
(42:00):
sentence anything. Let's let me do this. Somebody this, Um,
how do I do this? Uh? Mommy, why are you angry?
Tell the fellow why you're angry? Thank you, Timothy. I'm
angry because my son is a bad, bad boy. He's bad,
he's rude, projecting, and he says that a lot of
(42:21):
pisces me off. That's a really funny bit, tim Is
that your name? Sure? Tim Timmy's your name? Timothy, tim Timmy, Timothy.
It feels good coming out of your face. Kid, It's good. Uh,
just give me humed me for a moment here. No, no,
you humor me. Here's five bucks, get another pair of
(42:43):
those shoes and bring me the change. Oh oh, you
are good, you are good. You know. Um there is
a local improv theater that I do not get. I'm sorry,
this is where do not get my son into improv.
I would rather be murdered in front of him than
for him to do improv comedy. Okay, um, hey man, Look,
(43:10):
you can't just bring anyone to the chuckle hut. Okay,
you know this is what do you mean? What do
I mean? You can't just vouch for somebody. By the way,
he sounds more like a stand up Oh, come on, everyone,
just stand up. No, it's not true. Stop smiling. I
can't stop. Look, man, there's there's auditions, there's teams. You
(43:33):
know how it goes. You can't just of course I
know how it goes. But there's something going on with you,
my man? What's going on? Give me one word? Sketch, sketch.
You're feeling that, huh? You don't feel comfortable. You want
to write things out more in your life. You want
to have more of a structure, more of a path
where things are going in the beginning to end. Is
that right? Yeah? Yeah, I want to follow a plot, frankly, Yeah, well,
(43:56):
plot plot will help you when it's written now. But
if you're just doing an imprompt too, that's not gonna help. Man.
You can't control that somebody I'm looking. I'm sorry. I
don't mean to walk into the chuckle hut, but I'm
looking for Joey Greer. Where the hell is that? Son
of a gun? Here's the book? No, but before before
you walk in here, where is he? He's on his
throne as he always is. Okay, and don't just call
(44:16):
him Joey Career. You better call him sir Joey Greer.
He gets livid, Okay, he's sponsored by Oh yeah, well
I bought his dumb book and now, my kid, he's
a dangerous society. I followed his instruction. Hey, my man,
I don't know how to what to do here? All right,
(44:38):
Like you're giving us a lot of heat. If you
want to talk to him, you can go on the back,
go to the throne, all right. I'll look for him.
Who is this? Hello? Tall, dark and handsome that dare
come near me in my throne? You must be Joey Greer. Yeah,
well you must pay look tend of Colombo because you
(45:01):
figured that out it so quick. Listen, I read your book, No,
but did you? I did? What was your favorite chapter?
I think the whole thing is la la la la la.
What did you say, Mr Greer, I was just child.
I ruined your child? Yeah? Your book? Oh it's what
(45:28):
was the issue? Exactly? Use your Well. My child was
a good kid, was a good kid, right, and I
tried to raise him as a single dad. And I
thought maybe a little bit of help from somebody that's
trained and has a book, so I picked up No,
but we kid turned into a monster. And what do
you suppose did you share with him from the book
(45:49):
that might have turned him a little left or right? Well,
first of all, the no butt part, it made him
very confrontational. That's terrific. It's just the title. So what
chapter specifically we're looking at? There was a chapter. There
was a chapter about space work. Okay, and he's space
worked all over. Always reach up, always reach up. That's
(46:10):
the one that gets him. Where what's up there? What's
up there? Said Mr Career. Look, Laura, I know it's
my weekend to take the boy, but I don't want him.
I don't I don't give a ship. Okay, I don't care.
I really don't care. I don't care. I don't I
(46:32):
also don't care. I have not been able to have
a person over with this boy. He's always barging into
my room. He's always going through my clothes, and I
need some time for myself. Okay, do you understand that
him give a ship? Okay? You know you used to
(46:54):
love me, by the way. Yeah, I did when I
was young and dumb. Okay, yeah, yeah, And now look
at you? What are you? I'm old and smart? All right?
Good Sam? Are we gonna go? Or what I'm parked in? Up?
I'm parked in like a handicapped on loading zone. Are
we gonna go? Is that your new girlfriend? What is
she eighteen? This time? Nice? Yeah? Actually, yeah, she's eighteen, dabby,
(47:20):
Spin around, spin around? Look at that? Oh oh, I
have a very uneven steps outside of my house. Oh
my god, hears me. I'm trying to unload a handicapped person.
Oh that's my car. Move try to unload a handicapped
(47:45):
I gotta go. Look, I get what this is. No, no,
you walk, you limp yourself. I get what this is.
You miss you missed me. I don't What about anything
I've said? What about anything I have said? Makes you
think I miss you? I don't know. Maybe the top
you're working? Sam? Are we gonna go? Or what? Baby? Oh?
(48:05):
What is she? Fifty seven? Yeah? Yeah? Baby? Spin around
for spin around? You got it? Oh? My shoulder, my
shoulder just oh my trick shoulders just came out? Nice?
Got nice? What excuse me? I'm trying to pick up
a mobile order. Somebody's in the spot. That's me. So yeah,
(48:31):
I'm out of here. Good seeing you know you need
to I'm sorry. You need to take our son, Timothy Okay.
He has behavioral issues, and if he stays with me
any longer, I'm gonna lose it. I'm gonna pop my lid.
I'm gonna pop the top and I'm not going to stop.
How are you saying? Are we gonna go? Oh? Nice?
What is that? A year old man? Bingo? Hey? Turn around?
(48:57):
Look at that? Listen? Does our on? Has therapy have
been working for him? My skin fellow? We need access
to this fire hydrant. Of course, therapy hasn't been working.
You recommended me to your pal that you did improv
with in college. He's a good guy. He's a good guy.
I gotta move my stick that's on that fire hydrant.
(49:20):
And also, don't don't don't say college like that's a
bad thing. You know, short form gets a lot of gough,
but it's it's can be care. I'm not. I'm not
mad about the difference that he did short form instead
of long form. Alright, sport, I've worked a deal and
I've got you go into an improv camp to straighten
you out. Apparently I was the one that read the
(49:44):
book wrong. No, but I'll go to an air hockey camp. No,
you're gonna go to a fucking improv It's it's a
workshop a week long, and you're gonna be studying with
pros over there. Okay, No, but I'll work with amateurs. No, No, listen, listen.
I need you to just, for one moment, step out
(50:05):
of the teachings that I've taught you in the past.
And yes, Anthony here needs you to get in this car. No,
but I'll skateboard down the middle of the street. Okay, Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay,
got this, I got this. You can't sit down in
this car. Um, Well, let me just get a beer
from my tiny fridge. Okay, you must bring that little
(50:29):
beer into this. I'm taking no, but no, hey, hey, wait,
want that kid? It's my kids. I don't give a ship.
But I've never seen this guy before. What what the hell?
They don't? What's going on over here? You just calm down.
(50:50):
This is my kid, right, Okay, this is my kid. No,
this guy? No, but holy shi kid, kid, listen, here's
a hundred and twenty. Do you live your life anyway
you want? Wait? Wait wait, I want to add to that.
I want to add to that. No, but your money
(51:12):
is no good here? No good? Here? Do you mean
a run? Run away? Here? Go go? But I'll stay
here all right? I mean I'm not taking care of you.
I don't know if you want to take care of
you can live with me. You can live with me. No,
you're not coming with me, buddy? No, No, but don't
(51:32):
you're not kid? Yes, I am by Wait where are
you going? I'm out of here. Don't wait for your
hands like you're at a black teck table. I've done. No,
stop showing me your palms. I don't care. No, this
kid's yours. Also, somebody called life with that for this
(51:53):
kid's dad I'm sorry, did you say kids dead? Kids? Right? Right? Uh? Hi,
we beat the ship out of some guy who may
or may not be uh someone's father. Fair. You have
a great day, thank you. Damn that was nice. I
(52:17):
just gave me a little uh like a head's up lunch.
We're doing all right, We're doing all right. I just said,
I was like, holy should do you see that out there?
(52:37):
It's like it's crazy. What do you look at? Sitting outside?
And it's like all these cop cars and like always
like fire trucks, just like breaking through all these people's cars.
And I knew giving the window above the grill was
a misteak. Yeah, it's nice. I get to see like
the city. It's nice. Right. So what do we got
for lunch today? Ah? She um, yeah, I know you
(53:01):
should know that already. That should just trickle off the ton. Well,
it's all veggies. It's just egg plant. Man. I need
some protein, that's all I know. But that's all we got.
So what's for taco Tuesday today? Egg plant? Okay? All right? Good? Hey,
(53:23):
hey Steve, don't encourage him like that. We can't have
eggplant tacos. What the hell is an eggplant taco I
don't want to live in a country that considers eggplant
filling for tacos. I mean it really, it's the tortilla
that makes a taco. You can put anything in there. Okay,
So you want to register your own party for voting,
(53:46):
and your whole platform is eggplants can't be on tacos.
That's all it is. Well, no, there's more to it,
but that's you know, that's I think that's a heading,
that's a that's an attention grabber. Well look at that
on a banner. Will you what's your name? My name
is Stoster Stoc. Are you happy with the way things
(54:06):
are going right now in the government local? Are you
happy with your options on what the next government might
look like? No, buddy, right, you're right. Let's join the movement.
I mean, if I honestly, if I had my dream,
let it go, it would be trolls, right, yeah, join us.
(54:30):
We'll put trolls on the on the on the ballot
for sure. Ice trolls, cave trolls. I just think of
like they're just like wow, you know, yeah, I don't
know a damn thing about trolls, but you have I mean,
sit down, please, let me get it. Let me get
it started. So trolls themselves are believed to be beings
(54:51):
that I'm back, Laura, I miss you. Notice how he
didn't open in the door. You're talking to me through
the screen. I'm not letting you into my house. I'll
take the boy now you want to take him? I
don't want to, but I will fine. Okay, Timothy, what
(55:15):
is that? Come downstairs? Why shut? Your dad is here?
Thank you? Ah? There he is there, he is scaddy.
I haven't seen you in months. I know, I know
I've been Uh what have you been exploring? No, not
(55:36):
like that, Timothy. He has been having sexual intercourse with
every shape, size, and age of human being you can imagine.
And that to him, to your father takes priority over
taking care a form of exploration. That's right. And now
daddy's very sick. Oh dad, you did you get yourself
a little something? Yeah, Laura, it ain't it ain't good.
(56:01):
You have an S T I. What is the I
stand for? You're not supposed to say st D anymore
because disease stigmatizes it, so you say infection s t I. Okay,
it's it's a straight up disease. It's a straight up
disease infect you thinking a couple of you know, antibiotics.
(56:22):
It's it ain't good. What is it? It's the big one, Sam,
I'm sorry, just alright, somehow you have both an s
t I and an STD. I really have to get
back to this dinner party. But but just mean, I
want to know did it come from the partners I've
been with or did it come it's actually transmitted about
(56:42):
but a lot of pork? Doctor, doctor did what? Okay? Yeah,
I'm so glad I cut your heir at home. I
had another question. I just want to run by you
and make sure I'm okay. Okay, we're just gonna leave.
We tried for the third time, but it's so much
on come on, no, no, it's great celebrities in there there,
(57:04):
heart of mind. We don't mind coming over and then leaving.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the chuckle Hunts. Obviously tonight
you were all here to bow down before the comedy
genius of Sir Joey Career. Yes, no, but I'll have to.
He should, but he has a special he has a
(57:25):
special guest with him tonight. Somebody who went right through
the ranks took no class no classes, no rehearsals, no teams.
This is his first show. So put together an idea
of a suggestion in your mind. So ahead, to put
(57:48):
together an idea of a suggestion in your mind. Because
no regardless. Oh okay, I gotta I gotta guess. Okay,
here they come Joey Green, Sir Joey Greer and guests. Okay, hollo,
I'm so glad to be here. Where am I? Okay?
(58:13):
I want to just see you to my special guest first,
and then I'm gonna go lie down. He's gonna be
out here for twelve minutes. Please welcome Dr Poop. No
one's no one's coming to the stage. What's going on?
I don't know. This is some avant garde shit. I
(58:34):
like this. Hey, get up there? What go up there? What?
What what are you talking about? Go up there? Go play?
You said Dr Poop is going up there? What I
go up there? But no one's up there. Maybe he
means anybody can be Dr Poop. Then he would have
said that, why what I assume that make assumptions. That's
a big part of what we do. I know that
(58:55):
I'm just going to go up there. God damn psychologist dude,
I'm just go you know what you're talking about. Okay,
come drink, Actually give me a drink. Hello, Joey's so sorry.
I'm late. I got held up at a dinner party
at my house. Hey everyone, dr pop what? Sorry? That's
(59:18):
our show for today? What I was wondering what that
doctor's name was. Thank you also very much for being Yeah,
who would not want to be in the waiting room
for Dr poop? Christ Offer? Thank you so much for
joining us today. How is Sunny still a good boy?
Sunny is still a good boy. We gave him my
(59:38):
hair cut this morning. Nice and he looks so cute.
If you want to see just how cute, go to
at Sunny as a good boy on Instagram. Indo Caroline Connor,
thank you. So when does the drive across the country
begin tomorrow? Tomorrow? Is that real? It is real? Five am.
I'm leaving in a car right and you've you've you've
(01:00:03):
decided to pick people up along the way. Is that
still the plan? Yeah, but nobody has gotten to me
about anything. So let me know. I'm down to make
it flexible. I'll pick you up wherever you are in
the US. Just hit me up and The destination, of course,
is beautiful New Jersey. Yes, still, i'll need an address
(01:00:24):
in a street name. How's your car? Oh? I brought
it to the shop, had to pay a big fun
ton of money to get it fixed. So if it
breaks down, which I think it will, I'm gonna lose
my damn marbles. But that's kind of it. Oh beautiful, Well,
good luck. Please give us some progress reports if you
don't mind, you got it. I'm getting emails people want
(01:00:46):
to absolutely no, James, ZENI thank you so much for
joining us. As always, Where should folks find you? They
can find me at the real James Heeney dot com.
That's a pretty easy way to find me. I wh
just rebought the website, so I want to use it.
I'm gonna keep you using it. Get a good price.
Uh it's it's bundled with several other websites. Wow, yeah,
(01:01:13):
all right, James. Um, I can't wait to hear more
from you about the Patreon roundup and all the exciting things.
We should do it real soon because this is coming
to a close and I've got a lot of Uh.
I'm doing a lot of college tour shows, but they're
all online and zoom. So I am here, but my
(01:01:33):
windows are smaller than usual. Oh okay, thanks for the
heads up, greg Kowski. Yes, uh, it's uh. It's been
political convention week, so I've heard the phrase, uh, drink
the kool Aids tossed her out a lot. Uh. But
and not only is it kind of grotesque to cadre
up the master suicide of seven Jones, but it's also
(01:01:56):
not accurate because, of course the Jim Jones masket. People
drink flavor Aid. Are you sure that we're not talking
about the electric kool Aid asset tests? Well, I think
those ideas are somewhat conflated. But I think when people
say drink the kool aid, they're talking about being indoctrinated
into a cult rather than to uh have some fantastic
(01:02:17):
i as to go on a drink, tune in and
drop out. Okay, I didn't know I drink the kool
aid though. And Joseph of German, any any shows or
sites or anything you want to plug or mention or
give nothing's going on. I'm I'm spiraling out, okay, spiraling
(01:02:40):
out dot com. That's it, check out, James Heeney, that's it.
Appreciate that as well all right, Joe, you look a
little strokey. Let's give all our thanks to engineer and
producing the stars, Mr Dougvaine. Folks that I heart media.
(01:03:03):
I'm your host, Kevin Poll. I love to read your emails.
I'm a little behind on replying, though, I am keeping
a list, so thanks for your patience. Right to us
at your name here talking to this dot com. Please
wear a mask when you go outdoors and be as
kind to each other as you possibly can. It will help.
Until next time.
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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