July 23, 2020 • 62 mins
Divorce Court.
Sandwiches Without Borders.
Satan’s Kids at Summer Camp.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome back to another episode. Alchemy is coming nineteen edition.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock, guest that Kevin po Yeah,
that's fine. Just leave it on the you know, you
stay there, you know what, you stay there and I'll
come get it. No, no, no better skill. Give it
to Joey Queer and let him just keep it. But
I digress. Let's meet Rock Shall and no particular order.
(00:26):
Say you lot to Chris Albarado, Mr Albaron and real
ever been fishing? No, no, no, no no. I had
a rocky childhood, so fishing was out of the question. Yep.
And by rocky, I know what rock you're talking about.
Look out there, it's Carla Katkowski. What's the last thing
you cooked outdoors? Oh? Gosh nothing. I've never used a
(00:52):
barbecue in my life, all right, but I've eaten a
lot outdoors. Yeah you have. That was my fall up.
So thank you. Hey, James Heeney is in the house.
Heen comea the what's your least favorite part about going
to the beach? Um? I don't like, uh, the idea
(01:14):
when I get into the water. If I'm at the
beach and getting in the water and I know too
many people that have gotten hit by sting rays. So
as I get in, I shuffle my feet. I it's
just terrifying to me. Now, hit by sting rays in
California State beaches. Are you kidding? I know too, I'm
not kidding. Got it within two months, my wife got it,
(01:34):
got stun, got stune. We're not talking jellyfish, We're talking stingray.
I'm talking sting rays. If you have just hiding and
waiting to get you, do they have a little blowguns.
In James's defense, the California State beach is uh, ask
you to do the sting ray shuffle, which is what
(01:56):
I do, which is when you walk to your feet
like this, shuffling across the sand. My wife got stung
by a stingray. She was way past where you would
even have your feet in the ground, and it like
got her when she wasn't standing on the ground. Okay,
I think you're being singled up by stingrays and I'm
gonna take it up with my local as Semberment. Hey,
everybody's Mark Gagliardi. Hi on your mark. When we're allowed back.
(02:22):
What's the first thing you'll do with Disneyland? I the
first thing I'm gonna do with Disneyland is I'm gonna go.
I'm not gonna go very far into the park. I'm
gonna go immediately in the park. I gonna make a
right and I'm gonna go to great moments with Mr
Lincoln and I'm gonna sit in the front row and
he's not going to be wearing a mask, and I'm
not gonna be wearing a mask. And when he does
the Gettysburg address, I'm gonna get his animatronic spit all
(02:44):
over me and his droplets going to care his sweet
sweet robotic droplets. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, they're they're being fascist
about masks wearing in the few parks that have opened.
They're literally as scorting people out who aren't wearing a mask.
F y I anyways, Uh, last, but soaking his upper
(03:05):
lip perspiration if you think him least, it's Joey Greer
never new enough. Why do I think you, of all people,
must have streaked at some point? You're not wrong, But
it was never in like public places. It would be
at my me and my house. I don't know, is
(03:29):
this uh obvious? His history rewrites to protect oneself from
subpoena's no, no, no, from some peenies. No I did.
I would poop and pea naked. I have to strip
fully new to do it, and at that ended until
I was well, I still do it. But that's that's
(03:51):
pretty much. That was my ama, and there was an
open toilet in my home. So you just thankfully we've
driven seventeen miles past the question, and I thank you
for all your input. All right, let's do it, damn
show almost all of our scene suggestions to gather from
your listener emails. If you'd like to submit one, please do.
I'd love to read them and reply simply right or
type two. Yeah, don't write please, don't write to us.
(04:14):
Type to your name here at alchemist dot com. That's
typing your name here. Seen one comes to Patroon v
I P. Lance, who wrote, Hi, y'all. I have been
listening since show number one, and I've loved it from
the start. I swear about halfway through my commute to
d C, I will grow tired of some news podcast
(04:39):
or some unsolved murder podcast and just scroll through to
find an old Alchemy this episode and enjoy the rest
of the trip much much more. I love it so
much that when the Patroon v I p option came up.
I took the plunges. I was totally and totally want
this show to continue. Hell as others have done. I've
(04:59):
even dug up my old Apple iTunes and fols so
I can write a review. Jesus, Lance is apparently running
for best best Member audience member ever. I don't mean
to interrupt Kevin, but let me just say we are
three d and fifty up on reviews in the past
thirty days. It's incredible. I think you just told people
to back off and stop writing reviews. We don't have
(05:21):
any reviews. We need more reviews. We need more reviews.
So it's next week you go on the road. Two
weeks Okay, sorry sorry? Uh he goes on. I love
all the cast members, and thanks to Patroon video video sessions,
I am now to the point where I can put
voices to names and faces. It's only been like twenty months,
but who's counting. Uh okay, such a joy, not joking,
(05:44):
Love you all, Lance from Baltimore. It doesn't seem like
oh scene suggested there. It is in the middle buried.
Thank god. That would be a lot to just read.
What't rates are you always certain there is a suggestion. Yeah,
this one is there always at the end. This one
(06:05):
was weirdly buried in the middle, um saying suggestion. Very
simple two words divorce court. M h baby, baby, just reconsider, reconsider, reconsider.
I'm I'm really done. I'm done with it. I'm done
with you. I'm sorry. Okay, let's get to it. Everyone
(06:27):
can be seated. I am Judge trum Bone. This is
my court, and as it's my court, I as it's
my court, I will allow that outburst any others. No,
thank you, but I I just want to love the
(06:49):
way that your eyes pop up against that rope that
you're wearing. Thank you very much. It's very handsome, your honor. Well,
thank you. I have shark eyes and it pops in
this just dark rope, So thank you so much. Awesome. Okay, Well,
I like you. I don't know what you're here for.
Are you journalist? What's your what's your I'm actually I'm
getting a divorce. I'm representing. I'm oh lawyer. She is.
(07:15):
Please disregard what he said. She's definitely getting a divorce today.
Well is that Greece on your lapel? Sir? What is that? Yes?
It is Yana and also elevens and spices. Okay, all right,
that's the smell. I'm representing the guy, and I just
want to say that my opponent, the great lawyer from Detroit,
(07:39):
is putting on some voice to make himself sound more
interesting and or important, and I object. Yeah, declare, You
don't need to declare anything. Okay, we haven't started yet. Okay,
we haven't started. I don't I'm not even sure taking
first did you not tell your lawyer your name? That
is so like you. This is why I can't be
(08:01):
with you anymore, because you don't even introduce yourself properly
in the right circumstances. Okay, I'll work on it, work
on it. Excuse me, sir, Hi, my name is Daniel,
Daniel Caravine. Why are you approaching the bench? Who said
you hit approach the bench? What is going on? Bailiff?
Can I talk you for a second? Bailiff? Yeah? What's bailiffs? Yes? Okay?
Can you two? I got I have two bailiffs? Here?
(08:22):
Is that? What? How is that? What? Time? Lunch? Today? Lunch?
Just want to say it is look at me, me,
my chambers, like we are in a recess bailiffs chambers.
I think I think I won. I think I won. No,
it's not a winner. It's not a winner. Lose. We're
not We're not quiet yet, they assumed to be ex
Mrs Carabine. We'll talk to the judge. I'll let you
(08:44):
know what what what he says when we come out
of there. Hey, what's up you, bailess? We need a well, Steve,
I think we need a break. Well, it doesn't matter.
We need a break. Okay, what does that mean? It
means we need to come apart. We need some time apart.
What sure, I'm an employee. I don't understand what you're saying.
(09:06):
I understand that, And what I'm saying is, I'm gonna
I'm gonna put you in another courtroom and I'm gonna
get a different bail You're gonna put me. Yes, you're
gonna be moved. What is confusion about? Look divorce court.
Divorce Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge trump
p Et presiding, seems like alright, I'm taking a look here.
(09:31):
We've got Honorable Trumbone from the court next door. I
would like to separate from his uh from his bailiff.
Steve is that correct. Yeah, this is some kind of bullshit.
What do your grievance is, Honorable Judge trump Bone grievances
are that number one? Uh? Lack of duty? Duty? What's
(09:52):
number two? This is part of it. What just happened
right there, that's a huge part of it. I you know,
I don't I gett to my courtroom. I have no
idea what's going on? I have a number three? Is alright?
What's number three? You want? The third problem is we
(10:12):
don't question any more authorities. Sure, we don't talk anymore.
You're on here. We used to connect, we used to vibe.
We should go down and from an employee, where are
your lawyers? You're on? I am all right here and
I am here to represent the bailiff. But I didn't
want to say your honor that your cologne is really
(10:36):
nice today. Well, gosh, thank you very much. Yeah. It
walks into the air and it circulates through the room,
and I am overly impressed. It is Dolce and Gabana.
And aren't you the dolce ist as in the sweetest
for saying so? Are you from Detroit? I am? I
(10:56):
just heard it in right outside ham trammic is where
I'm from ham Trammic right outside. I'd like to second
the notion and regarding the cologne, sir to subtle yet pleasing.
Oh no, need to steve, You've already won this case.
What that's right? Thank you? Tom. That sucks, dude. I
(11:18):
can't believe you guys broke up. That's sucking, bummer, dude.
But yeah, your mother welcome to stay at my place
as long as you need to, dude. And uh no,
I don't even know if I want to be a
bailiff anymore. I feeling good, have changed everything. Yeah, well,
I mean this is a time to kind of booting
on you and your family. No, man, No, I didn't
(11:39):
know you're you're you are family, dude, So don't don't
worry about that. Um. But you know, everyone's kind of
got weird hours. I work night shifts. Miranda's and the
a M kids are in the afternoon, so you know,
just just kind of just melt in, dude. I don't
think it's gonna be that big of a problem. But
you have cable TV. Yeah, we got cable Yeah, Dad,
(12:04):
can you pass the bread? Yeah? So uh yeah, so everyone,
of course Tom's gonna be with us for a bid
and we're just not even wearing any shoes. Okay, House,
he should be wearing shoes. Okay, is that what I'm
telling his fate? Look at that toenail. Oh my gosh,
(12:27):
christ on a cue combing? Can I talk to you
in the kitchen, murder? What is it, Miranda, Miranda Jr. Senior? Baby,
you can talk to you in the kitchen for a second.
Yes you, yes, you look you've been hanging out with
the kids too much. You got this kind of vibe
(12:49):
and lingo. That's it's just that's just like I feel
like you're underminding me when I'm trying to help my
buddy Tom out. Okay. Well, I'm just saying I pay
the bills, so okay, I know that. I know that
I put food on the table. I pay for your
fancy cell phone. I bought the Apple TV. I know. Listen, Okay,
my skin grap business is going to blow up. I
(13:10):
know this, Okay, I just need a little fire or something.
It's not true. It's breaking everybody out. I gave it
to my aunt and my aunt Diana, and she it
scarred her. The skin wrap scared her. Well. She was
moving when I told her not to, So I don't
know what do you want me to do? Look, just
just for a little bit, just for a little bit,
we'll have him here and then then then we could
(13:32):
ask them to leave. Okay, okay, just for a little bit,
just for a couple of months, a couple of months
days out of here. Okay, that is not a little bit,
that is a lot bit. All right, all right. We've
got today's case in divorce court. We've got Miranda Senior
versus Mr Miranda. I'm sorry I didn't catch your first name.
(13:53):
Ask your lawyer? What's that? What's his first name? Did
you not bring a lawyer either? He's not here yet. Uh,
he'll be here in a second. You owe me for that. Right.
We raced, We were raced to see who that would
be a lawyer. He drove. I happed out of the car,
(14:14):
but he left the car running. These guys are wearing shoes. Gentlemen,
I'm gonna have to ask you to wear shoes if
you're going to be in my courtroom. Oh shout, I
left mine in the car. Okay, I'll right back ship. Um,
can we wait until he comes back? And this other
gentleman still here? He could very well, I mean you've
(14:35):
passed the bar, right, young man. That is the first
time you wore a suit. Yeah. I don't think that's
gonna win this race. Tommy. You need to represent me time.
You need. I need to win this, dude, if you
if we win, we get the house, you can stay
there as long as you want. I can't believe, but
it's not as a lawyer. This guy is going to
(14:56):
be a representation a minute, aren't you the bailiff from
three doors down. I'm trying to make a I'm trying
to make a new thing for myself. I'm trying to
reimagine my life back back. Wait, he's a he's still
not wearing shoes. Rooted this for me, your honor. I
(15:17):
would like to sue my husband soon to be ex
husband's lawyer for breaking my Apple TV. Yeah all right, Look,
why don't we just add it to the list, you
know what, write it on a post it note and
just bring it up here to the bench and I'll
put it inside the file. Well, I got a tattoo
(15:38):
of it, okay, of the broken Apple TV. Yes, that's
how much it hurt me. That's petty, all right, So
what so what are we thinking my specialty is snake tattoos.
I can do flames. You tell me what you want, sweetheart. Um,
(15:58):
I want this Apple team, but broken, I wanted to
remind me of my marriage and how it's a piece
of plastic and how sometimes plastic breaks. Uh. You buy
plastic and you think all my hopes and dreams are
in this plastic, and then someone steps on it accidentally,
and all of a sudden, the dreams are gone. Yeah, well,
(16:21):
are you making a lot of sense? Thank you? What's
I didn't get your name, Miranda Senior? M Yes, that
is my last name, a toaster? What's up? Man? What
are you trying to reconnect all of a sudden? Dude?
And let me tell you this man, fuck you do
it all right and suck your tattoo business. Dude. Alright, look,
(16:41):
I don't want to fight. Came here, came here. Sorry,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sometimes life
is like plastic. Step on that plastic break? So Gray, man,
(17:06):
you but I'm going on this date now, man, So
thanks for this. I feel open, I feel open out,
you know what I mean. And so she's not divorced yet,
but she says she's about divorced, and I think that
(17:26):
means something. You know, that does man? Hey, that's that's
that sounds one fot you know, hey, hey, hey, don't
forget you deserve someone. Oh my god, I haven't cried
in a long time. Man, wash your face, Wash your face. Yeah,
Mr lawyer, I have heard that you have been winning
(17:49):
a lot of cases around these parts lately. Which of
those lawyers you're talking to? Well, I did. I did
swing in the town, Like no, not you goddamn get
out of here, Get out of here. I did swing
into town and win a few cases. I hear you're
doing quite well for yourself as well, using the flattery
(18:13):
approach at the beginning every time. Is that your sandwich?
That's my sandwich, that's my sandwich. I'll look up there
with you continue this conversation. You could have half of
my sandwich if you really wanted some. This are you
proposing that we go into business together? You sandwich if
(18:34):
you want it? Well, as a roast beef sandwich is
roast beef sandwich? Or does a roast beef sandwich means
you have decided that this town is in fact big
enough for the two of us. Because the note you
left under my windshield, said that it was not, and
now you are willing to share your sandwich with me.
I'm just curious if we are the second part of
that monologue was what I was right. Oh, I do
(18:56):
I apologize. I do get a little long wind. And
we know that's that laugh about you. That's why you're
a winner. It's because you talk so much that it
exhausts everybody around you. I do. I do want to apologize.
I'm sorry. Are you gonna? Are you picking up? I'm
just I'm trying to get my sandwich and you're kind
of blocking the aisle to get the sandwiches, and I
just law your son, Uh, up and coming? I hope.
(19:20):
I've been training every day, I hit the gym, uh
you know, wind sprints, trying to my part to be
ready for what I'm called up. Do you hear that council,
He's been trained. All right, let me just get my sandwich.
Let's get out of here, John Table. Oh all right,
(19:41):
So let me get this straight. You want one half
of a roastby sandwich on your arm and the other
half on your arm? Is that correct? That is correct?
And then you want in the business together. I'm sorry.
I'm just going to keep talking for a bit because
I want to suck all the energy out of you
get a discount on the final tattoo. Press done. That's
(20:05):
what I'm gonna do. Done, And and you want you
want it to say a roast beef sandwich is a
roast beast sandwich. That is correct, but half of the
sentence on my half of the sandwich and half the
sentence on horse right, so that anybody who saw it
it would still just say roast beef is roasty sandwiches,
(20:26):
and then a roosby sandwich. So I guess I'll take
the first part since it's a little worse than the
second one, roasty sandwich. I'm I'm willing to do that
for you. That's that Detroit kindness ham tramming, and that
is seen one for the energy energy to flow back
(20:49):
into our bodies. She does. I'd like to echo the
sentiments of all the other people writing in and thank
you for for your efforts to consistently provide us with
semi quality content. It's difficult time. I hope you all
(21:11):
realize that you brought so many people joy through your
wild antics and more importantly, the wonderful characters you guys
come up with, and then he listed about forty seven
of them. I will not read. Um. Here's my scene suggestion.
The newly founded volunteer group called Blank with Borders UH
embarks on its first charitable project. I'll let you all
(21:33):
fill in the blank. Blank with Borders keep doing what
you're doing. Connor, Alberta, Canada. Okay, everyone, your packs are
on your left there. You should have a buddy already
designated to you. It's one of the packs is for
each of us. I should have a QR code on there,
so if you just scan that, that'll tell you exactly
(21:53):
where those with our eyes your phone. I don't want
him as a park get off me. So you two
are buddied up, and that's just the way it's gonna go. Okay, well,
then teach him here. Okay, listen, everybody, we're Sandwiches without Borders.
We're trying to give sandwiches everybody, all right, And a
lot of people don't like sandwiches. A lot of people
(22:13):
don't have sandwiches, and our job is to make sure
people get sandwiches regardless of borders. And also was signing
up for Sandwiches with Borders no, we're not. Get the
hell out of here, Get the hell out. I was
pretty pretty sure that it very clearly said with with borders. Well,
then maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm Maybe I'm going to
(22:34):
suck up. Maybe I'm but I'm going to set everything up,
I get everyone organized, and I sucked it up. You
know what, then you know that I quit. You're right,
you're right. Alogies there without the borders of the toast exactly,
(22:56):
that's what it is. Sandwiches without borders. There's no crust,
no crusted, the crustless sandwich, the distribution, the distribution of
the sandwiches. There are borders. We're not just giving them
to everybody, right, we give him to everyone too, it's
without solid question, start giving out. He's a leader. How
the hell did everyone get on the Mostia Maru without
(23:20):
even knowing what the funk we're doing here? We're on
the sea investment Maru. Yes, okay, yes, okay, it's commercial. Okay,
So please please please don't start drinking again. Tell me no, no, no,
you know what, you know what, Claire, you're such a
fucking people. Please are you're so scared of me just
(23:42):
drinking again? You get so mean when you start to drink.
He's already right now what the fund is up? You
do not mean to me, I can't. Haven't just caught
myself that everyone's just going freaking one who has been
around forever. And if this is a five on a
scale of one in ten of me while here we go,
you never forget ship, it goes right up to a ten. Well,
(24:06):
hold on, hold on, that's that's that's kind of that's hearsay.
You're right, you're the only one who knows him. Maybe,
but you're I'm saying, it's your hold on this year
say have borders or as you say, without borders. I mean, look,
if we're really getting into semantics, she didn't say that
she wanted. She didn't say that she no, technically, she
said she's the one that's been here forever. So I mean,
(24:28):
I'm guessing that's that's being even more question. All I'm
saying is, Captain Tony, what if we give you a
couple of millar lights. I'm just I'm just running, I'm
helping this program. I'm not a captain of the of
the marou forgot saying, wait, you're not the captain and
we're on international waters which means that anything goes. He's
(24:49):
carrying a sword. This shorts got bullets on. It's a
very carefully tread or carefully you know what I mean?
With your booch? Cap by here they are, Shall I
get boots on for you? Seem I got yeah, captain sandwich.
(25:17):
Captain wants a sandwich on a shidwich. Thank you. I'll
take one out of my backpack. Um fancy Jim's got
himself a backpack and that it was my pack. I
guarantee it was because of the QR code. But it's
just are warming up, Greg. We got somebody that needs
(25:39):
to walk the play. I was trying to help you
super technical here, but I'm not certain he's our captain.
He might during this ship. Oh no, well guess what.
I'm certain that this is a full bottle of scoon off.
Let's get it going, Tony to captain. You gotta get
it to gather Tony, let him do it. What do
(26:00):
you mean that you walk to the planks? The captain
drunk too? I think he's a pirate. They're always drunk. Yeah,
he's a pirate. Does you're right here? Come with me?
You're walking the plank. Maybe he's gone a note in
(26:21):
his backpack from his doctor saying he doesn't have to
walk the plank. Oh, let's see, let's seecks just full
of sandwiches. Well, Jim, you're you're completely uh immunized, You're
good to go or whatever the word is. And uh,
I also see here that you want to uh, you're
looking for a letter from a doctor's safe to not
(26:43):
walk off the plank? Are you serious? Well? I mean
I know that it's rare that these types of things
come up, but as a non swimmer, I think it's
important to have a note on hand in case. Excuse me, sorry,
but Timmy the non swimmer. Sorry, can I just have
a doctor? The doctor? Is he here for just a moment.
Just got some test results. I wanted to let him
(27:04):
know about real Oh my god, these are my results?
What are there? Yeah? The results are you could stay
just if you would look the other way and maybe
type on your phone. So I feel like you're distracted? Done? Okay?
When someone becomes immune? Yeah, how what's the past tense
(27:24):
of that? Is? The test results? Are you just scolding?
What is going on? This is the test and they're immunized.
The I the immunities of eyes. Their immunity has eyes. Okay,
I'm gonna need you to leave the building and pack
up your stuff. Get everything out of your locker. No,
my doctor's locker. No, no, I earned that. Give me
your so I was like, no, I don't want to
(27:48):
see you anymore anyway. Doctors a locker talk, you know
how it goes? Oh? Sh look who just walked in?
Like h nothing, I got cut from the team, from
the doctor team. Doctor team. Just got cut from the team,
(28:12):
like red tagging his locker cut? Was it the pronunciation problem? Yeah, yeah,
I pronuncing a word I don't understand. And let's let's
guess what the word was pronunci eight. This is this
(28:35):
is the most like broish bullshit doctor's locker. Remember been
to my life? I have some fucking class. I mean,
look this noted. It definitely is from a doctor, and
it says he can't walk the plank. It's legitimate. Yea,
enough walking up flying make him walk more clear? I
(28:56):
shouldn't have to have got the doctor snow. Then we'll
draw and cool to them, will cut them up. We'll
cut them up. Don't worry, children. Soon right across the horizon,
a ship will come through and give us all sandwiches,
what kind of ses? All kinds of sandwiches? The crystal
(29:17):
will if you want? Can we get them without crust? Probably? Probably? Yeah,
So you're not going to commit to an answer. I
don't know what the funk they made over there makes
my stomach go flippity flop trauma, that trauma. What are
(29:44):
you doing? Man? What are you doing? My blood sugars? Okay, sandwich,
I mean too, my god, but you can't put it
on these kids. Come on, they're putting it on me there.
They know what the they're doing. Just asked you a question, Henry.
They just to a question about the roast beef or
if there was crust. You listen, listen, dude, listen. I'm
(30:06):
done playing fucking pretend land here. Okay, you're belly. No,
I am distended from starvation, and I don't know. I
don't know why I followed it here to Orphan Island anyway.
I thought we'd be good people doing good things. You're
not gonna hear about sherry splippity flop stomach and fucking
Jimmy's fucking bullshit all day. I'm done, dude. When that
ship comes, I'm going back with him, Henry. Come on, dude,
(30:28):
look we're doing good work out here, okay, And and
look maybe maybe we should have we have salad stuff
we can make. I can make. I don't lot any
more sound stuff, dude, So say you keep saying sound
stuff like that's like good? Okay, Gary and Terry YouTube
signed up for Orphan Island. Right, Orphan Island, Right, that's
(30:53):
the jingle. I just have a couple of questions for you,
and then we'll send you on your way, and thanks
again for violin tearing. Question number why one is why
did you choose or for nine? Well, we're good people?
Uh huh? Are either one of you orphans? Yes, I'm
speaking for my client. Would you go? You're doing You're
(31:16):
doing a great job. Thank you so much. I'm so hungry.
I actually I actually gotta go pep. So I'm gonna
have my client speak for her and I'm gonna go.
Uh we heard so? Uh? Also, uh you, sir? What
was your reason for volunteering good people? Yeah? Right? Um,
(31:36):
I'm just curious why you Is there a key for
the brotherroom or is it is? I might as code
three to one. I guess nine six eight to nine
seven he's gone, he's left the room a while ago.
Nine seven, nine seven, Thank you, three to seven. You're
(32:02):
going to do great at Orphan Island. Um, do either
one of you have ibs? Funny? You should ask yes, yes,
not terribly funny. When you get to Orphan Island, I
can assure you. Are you on any sort of medication
for your ibs? Funny you should ask yes, yes, I am.
None of these questions were designed to be funny. Okay,
So everything looks good with your your charge? She charges um,
(32:25):
and you want to get some medication for your Yeah,
isn't that funny? Uh? Yeah, So I'm not going to
give you prescription for that. I think that's you don't
need that. I think. I think if you pray it away,
it'll be fine. But I thought you were the doctor
who gives out like prescriptions for walking a plane. I was,
(32:46):
but then I got flippity flop a lot of trouble
for that. So I have a lot of money. I
think I was a doctor who had a locker. Okay,
I was part of a team. I was part of
a unit. And the locker or a hurt locker, or
like a book locker, or like a I look at like,
(33:07):
what kind of locker? What kind of locker? It was
like a gym. You know, it's like there's open grates,
you can put your pads in there. I spent a
lot of time in the inside of those, got beat
up a lot in school. Oh I thought you worked
with metal. Oh my god, that's uh, that's a you
know what. Welcome back to the Dollar Pyramid. We've got
(33:31):
a great couple of celebrity guest for us today and
they're gonna try to win twenty five thousand for these
two wonderful fans slash civilians. We're just to catch you up.
We're in the second act now and we're gonna go
over to Steve with giving clues. And here's your word.
The word is locker. Okay okay um uh house uh
(33:56):
hand sanitizer um uh big open open uh dusty um
uh groger Uh no no uh do dog dog do?
Um sim symbol a symbol, a bit, some symbol a
bit lockers uh locker n I got no. I said,
(34:23):
all right, once against dude, you've managed to get points
for your civilian without realizing you had won the round.
When we come back, we're gonna hear from team too.
Right after this words from Larry's House of suns. Okay,
I'm calm everybody. Look, kids, look here he comes. Here
(34:45):
comes the ship's wait and say, hi, what are those
are those cannons? I think it's a cannons and a
diving board. Maybe they're gonna shoot shoot? I don't know
if I say the pirate chip, sir, And this looks
like a pirate ship. Yeah, there's a big skull painted
on the side of it with bones, skull and bones.
(35:06):
That's a pirate thing. That's a pirate thing. Okay, fun pirates,
heavy pirates. Kids? Do you want to eat more solid stuff?
Does that sound like death to anyone else? That sounds
like marching? Want this plank? I'm telling you, please, don't
(35:27):
make me get down. I'm baking you. There's a person
on that plank. It's called a diving board. Josh, maybe
he'll do a cannon ball. Let's see. He's gonna die.
It's too high up there. Listen, Sherry, I know you've
seen a lot of bad things in your life, hence
the flippity flops. Yeah, man, it's gonna die and everyone dies.
(35:51):
Everyone does it works? What's the handless number? One of
wolfn Island. Everyone dies, What the fuck? I didn't say
that that the kids said that, But where do they
learned that from Henry? But they learned that from Henry? Huh.
I don't know. I'm sucking starting. I go it s up.
(36:14):
I got soup, not a scene too. I'm fucking starving, man.
I love salad stuff. Oh my lord. Three from Patron
VP Wyatt Hunter, who wrote high Alchemist. I'm a proud
(36:36):
Patreon supporter and everyone should join insert compliment here, insert
callback reference such as I digress. My scene suggestion is
this Satan's minions are misbehaving, so he sends them to
summer camp. Much love, Wyatt from the U K. Okay, well, Shanna,
(36:57):
I don't know what to tell you, right, I mean,
like ate my face off? Okay, I wanted to because
I felt like it. You wanted someone to eat your
face off. I ate my own face off, and yeah
I saw that, Okay, and you scared some of the
other kids. Yeah all right. Did you come into my
office really quick, Stephanie? Yes, excuse me, Hi, listen. I
(37:21):
don't want to scare you, but I am about sure
the three of your campers are You're shaking is everything. Okay,
I think that their spawns of Satan. I think there.
I think, oh my god, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no no. I don't think you think I'm crazy un
(37:41):
telling the truth. Why are you every year? You just
you pick out three kids, hate three kids? Every year.
There's a lot of blood. There's a lot of things
that are happening this year. That's crazy. There's the smell
of sulfur every day, every day Jordan's I don't know
what you want me to do. Honestly, this is just
disturb it. I cannot believe that you're one of the
(38:01):
counselors with me here. It's like, we should wear this cross.
I just think you should wear this cross. I'm not
going to wear that religious icnography here. This is just
this should be for everyone. Okay, I'm not joking. Put
in your pocket, put your packet. I don't want this,
I don't need this. I'm good just saying if we
don't all use it, it's useless. It's it's like a protection. Um.
(38:24):
I just want to say, I thought it was really
cool when you ate your face and then spit it
back out. Thanks. I was working up to it and
I thought maybe I would disappear my face forever, but
then I pooped it out. I'm glad you didn't. I
didn't glad he didn't disappear it forever. I mean, I'm
this is stupid, but I made you have a bracelet
(38:44):
a franchi. Do you want to touch me? But you're
all glowing and stuff, go for it? Okay, alright, campers,
a line up, campers, line up? Ship this kids having
a seizure all right? Oh my god, oh tongue and
(39:10):
uh sorry, sorry about that. I Oh my god, I
felt the soul. Oh my god. Well, so he's in
charge now. Okay, guys, I'm in charge, and I'll be
very honest. It's gonna be a different kind of camp
(39:31):
experience now. But I'm in charge, okay, because I'm not
going to put up with any of your devilish acts.
You're not asshole that takes three people every year and
hates for no reason. You know what, There's always a reason,
and this year, I've got a specific reason, and I
want each of you to come up and I'm going
to put a necklace on you. Okay, So that way,
(39:55):
what was that I'm not wearing you? It Neglice dry
this that that is? That is Brimstone High counselor Jane.
So how is my little boy doing? I know he
he was writing home. He said he had a crush
on some girl that does funny things with her face.
(40:18):
Is everything? Okay? Annette? Um wait wait you call me anette?
You never call me a Nette. Brian. Brian was touched
by a demon and his soul was ripped him and
sent to the nether world. I don't know how else
to say this. Wait, what well, you better say it
another way, because what you just said doesn't make any sense,
(40:39):
is he Okay? Put him on the phone. Put them
on the phone. He's like, we're not able. We can't
talk to him like this. Look, if you want to
get Brian back, you're gonna have to traverse the river
sticks and break down the walls of Hades herself and
find him. We did this last year, I know, and
then it was like fucking nightmare. Net Listen, Okay, I
can't help this. One of the other campers is possessed
(41:04):
by Satan. I don't know how clear I can be
about that, Trevor, Mate, I don't know how long we've
been working on his walls of hades. But at some
point they'll be done right. Well, thanks, So what about you, lief?
You think we're gonna finish his fucking walls his hades? Mate,
I don't think we're ever going to finish this. I mean,
is that all right in hell? Is to just build
(41:27):
this this wall? I mean, look over there, look at Sisipus.
How long you've been pushing that fucking rock up there
since I got here? That's for sure? Take a break,
will you? You know he can't take a break? Was
a s guy. It was just just shown up. Yeah,
you the one who's with the name tag. What says Brian? Brian?
(41:51):
What's your story? Um? I I was in camp and
then I liked the girl, and then I'm here right right?
But my mom I think my mom's coming to get me.
I'm not going. Yeah, she's definitely coming to get you
by yeah that's what I said. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's
coming eventually. Right, Yeah, that's what I mean. Can we
(42:12):
get you anything in the meantime? Are you hungry or
you're thirsty? Do you have any salad stuff? Salad stuff? Yeah,
it's like sweet green there and over in the back. Okay,
So what would you like, go on that salad, mate,
let's get to work on it. I don't know just
standards a kid salad? A kid what we made a
(42:32):
kid's salad, that's what. Just let us in A couple
of carrots and branch dressing. Yeah, and Cruton's plays extra crutons.
Can I ask you a question, sir? Any question you
got a little one? Have you ever been in love?
And if so, how did you know? And if so,
what did you do about it? Where sure, I've been
in love and I knew it because I shook until
my soul was gone. I think that's what happened to me, right,
(42:57):
That's what happened to all of us down here. Mate. Well, Jordan,
thank you so much for saying me a lot of table.
You're well completely child of good. It's always welcome into
the house of good. Thank you, good good. What can
I do for your child? Well, it's pretty simple. It's
similar to last year, except this time I'm one page.
(43:18):
I am sure that this year three of the campers
are possessed demons. I don't think they're possessed. I think
there's literally some decent demons and some of them have possessed.
It's it's like a virus outbreak, and I can't get
anybody to use the crosses. I don't know what to do.
I think you need to come down to the campground. Jordan.
What you're saying is a very serious sin. Don't know
(43:40):
what you're saying. I know last year I was wrong,
but this is not a sin because it's true. Jordan's
I exercise the children that didn't need to be exercised.
Do you know what that means? I opened the portal
to hell and then got them possessed? My bad, my
bad father. I'm just saying, we need to cross the
river sticks this time. Okay, we need to get I
(44:01):
lost a camper and no camper left behind. Okay, so
I need you and me to go down the river sticks.
I mean, that's that's a different mythology than what how
you believe? You understand it right? You know what I'm
working with? What I got here? Okay, I don't know.
I don't know a lot, but I know that we've
lost one. It's names Brian. Wow. Well, the way I
(44:22):
see it is you never really told her how you
felt about her? Is good? That for years, mate, I've
been telling you that for years. I guess that's right. Yeah, yeah,
does anybody want to buy them in Crucians? They're covering ranch.
Oh thanks mate, you went not on lab. But that's
very generous of you. He's been a time little man.
Do you want to help us build his wooly? No?
(44:44):
Thank you. Not Just pay the ferryman, Just pay the environyman.
I paid last year and he said it was good
for three sixty five days. That was last year. That
was three and sixty five days. I don't to the day.
I mean I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
You pay, you pay? No, just is it my kid
to the day? Just pay the fucking ferry Okay fine? Also,
(45:07):
thank you for coming along on a girl's trip of course.
Okay here here? What how much do I give you? Again?
Is it two locks of my hand? Captain won a payment?
Captain won a payment one coin per e one coin
per eyes. So there's four eyes. No, just just pay
(45:27):
just two coins, four coins per eye. Do you have
two eyes? You have two eyes? Oh my god, I
do so, so you get two coins for you, two
coins for me? Is it just one for all of us?
Or like do we have flirting? Stop flirting with him. Ok, okay,
(45:48):
go co co co? Excuse me, sir? Yes, oh what
was that? Who was that? Sorry? I'm sorry, I'm actually here.
I feel partly responsible for Brian. I'm here. You don't
came back. There is a cue acute. Well, I'm with them.
(46:08):
They don't know it yet, but I feel responsible for
what's happened. Two more coins. Jordan, Hi, this is Jordan,
thank you. Uh, Jordan's uh, this is a This is
the mother of the kid whose soul you send down here.
I didn't. Oh, you're the one that mess with Brian. Listen,
it's not really that I messed with Brian. It's just
(46:29):
the last year I cried Wolton. No one believed me
this year, so it's kind of my fault. Does anybody
have some coins that can have Well, I don't know.
I just feel like when I leave, you guys can
just come with me and you could be my brothers
or something for my uncle's I don't think he guess mate,
it definitely doesn't. Nobody leaves him mite. Yeah. You see
(46:51):
that door right there and has a code. It does.
The code is three to one eight two nine. We
we've been punching it wrong. Oldest time we've been punching
three to two, eight to nine, seven is whole fucking time.
It's true, and every time it doesn't look Brian, Brian, Mom, Brian,
(47:17):
I miss you, Mom, Get off of me. These are
my friends. How you doing it? You must be a
net I am yes? Hi, Wow, you are handsome. Well.
This is my friend. This is Teresa, Teresa. It's a
bottle up holy water. Oh my god, my friends, my friends.
(47:41):
Leave alone, leave alone? Baby, come back? Stop stop, stops up, baby,
come back. I'm sorry, that just made me think of that. Sorry. So, Shanna,
you've got to come out of your room sometime. I
know he broke your heart. I know he's gone, but
you've got to come out of there. Uh. I don't
(48:04):
want to, Shanna. No, I'm gonna eat my face. You
don't regurgitate and eat your face again. That's how you
got a boy in this first place to fall for you.
What am I supposed to do? Just get over it? Yeah,
we're different than them. Get over it. We can't be
like the rest of those humans, can't. We failed. We
(48:27):
all do the same stuff, we all feel. We all
eat sandwiches. Hey, mom, thanks for driving me to this house.
No problem, Hey, go get him. Thanks. Mom. Look, I'm
just saying Sean was hold on. Somebody's at the door.
What hell? Hello? Hello? Oh? Shu is Shan? Is Shaanna here?
(48:57):
Who's ass? Brad At? It's okay, Dad, It's okay, it's okay,
it's okay you Shan bye? Is it for Shanni or
shan up? Shana? Is that you? It's it's me, Brian.
Oh my gosh, oh oh no, oh no, I'm good.
(49:17):
I can't help myself. I made it everything. Oh god,
Well she's regurgitated her face again. Brian, Yeah, I'm still here.
Somehow I thought I killed you and sent you to hell.
You did, but Hell's not what people think it is.
(49:38):
Hell is just like a munch of cool uncles who
didn't get it right the first time. Wow. Sounds like
you've lived a whole lifetime of experience. I feel like
I have in some ways. Um, do you want to
get ice cream? My mom's outside? Yeah, I eat ice cream.
(49:58):
It feels like, do you want to touch me? I'm not.
We can hold hands, but are you sure that the
bad thing won't happen to me again? I'm not? Uh
sorry about Jesus. Um, it's uh, it's kind of a
hot girl summer, if you know what I mean. And people, uh,
a lot of people going to hell, A lot of
(50:19):
people are going up to heaven. I don't know if
you want to check the numbers or you wanna get
involved in some way, but um, I just want to
bring this to your attention. I thought a lot of
you probably know about this already. You know I'm I'm
niscient and I'm omnipresent. All right, you're probably sleeping. I
just wanted to come by and talk to you at
the door. Hey, you're up, all right? Uh? Yeah, So
(50:50):
I just want to let you know what the hell
is popping off right now? And do you need a lozenge?
Do what? H Let me see if I gets all right,
you know what, I'll take control of the situation. Jesus,
your mother has it under control, all right. Yes, we
(51:12):
know that there's a lot going on right now in
the world. Uh, and it's all purposeful. There is a
reason behind all of it. And I bet you want
to know what that reason is, don't you. I mean,
I trust you, I trust you, But if you about
love to hear it, I'd love to hear it you. Well,
it's about teamwork, ensemble. Uh, supporting each other, getting on
(51:36):
the same page, highlighting each other's strengths. Are you trusting
each other forward? Yes? Yes, I'm starting poster alright. I
didn't feel that you could see me. I thought my
eye line was in the right direction. What. No, it's
a great boaster either way. Yes, thank you. You know
(51:57):
I'm built to completely serve. I can't really contradict or.
I go downtown and so happy to be an unjailed.
I love my gig, but that's kind of what I do.
Just gonna pass messages back and feel like I did
my thing. I might. Uh could you bring us a
(52:21):
roast beef sandwich? Yes? I can get that one right now.
I know it out. Do you think I can't do that?
I can do that too. I'm saying the next time
you come, I would like you to bring a roast
beef sandwich. I can go get one right now. I
can go. I could do that too. I'm just saying
the next time, it would be great for you to
(52:42):
bring us a gift. I hear what you're saying, so
I'll get one now. Okay, I can do that too,
I said I could do that. I look, okay, fine,
you've ruined it. Here, here's a roast beef sandwich here.
Thank you. That's awesome. That's for me. Oh I'm sorry.
Here you go. This is your Rosebary sandwich. Good meeting,
great meeting. Okay, awesome. I'll bring a lozenge and uh
(53:05):
I'll be back. Dude, dude, it sounds like she's into you.
Yeah right, I don't. That's crazy, man, come out. So
what Hey, she's still a lady, she still got meats. Yeah.
I have no genitalia, man, I have no sex drive,
but I do think in like a bigger way. I
kind of support her. But I mean, hold on, I
(53:26):
mean interrupt you. But you were built to serve, right, Yeah,
I served that ass out man. Man. I mean I
hear what you're saying, but that does nothing to me.
I don't even feel that. I can't at times, but
can they can remove it. So what I'm thinking is
I might be able to be there emotionally for you know,
because like Joseph friend zone, you don't want to be
(53:47):
in that friend zone. Dog. Yeah yeah, but you know
Jesus is have you have you kiss somebody? Have you
ever kissed someone, Um, I mean kissed by the let
of God. Yeah, okay, here, what do you know, my shoulder?
That's that's what she wants to kiss my shoulder. Get
(54:09):
off my shoulder. I'm sorry, Angel, stand back. You got it.
The funk was that I was talking to Michael. He
that was the most disgusting thing that has ever happened
to me. And I've been around since forever. Okay, I
(54:29):
botched it. I botched it. All right, Let's let's drop
the sandwich. Angel, dropped the sandwich and exit the room.
You got it. Don't fly. I want you to walk.
Walk out of the room. You got it, But don't
turn around. Keep your eyes on me. I don't want
your eyes going anywhere else. Keep about me and step out,
(54:52):
step backwards, step very slowly. Okay. The doors to my left, okay,
oh okay, okay, uh. I feel like the door was
here before. It's gone. Now. I moved it. Okay, I
moved totally totally cool. This is your punishment. He will
spend the rest of eternity. What the funk? Man? What
(55:14):
the lock? She moved the door. That means she wants
the more. I don't think so, man. I don't think so.
I think I should just like quit while on ahead. Hey,
have you ever stuck in your fingers and said someone's
mouth before? I guess to help someone throw up? Sure?
Who would you? Would you help throw up? Uh? Let's
(55:38):
see who was it? I think it was a mess
of fist. He was choking. Dude, dude, fucking help me
throw up? Come on, you got ship? What are you showing?
Don't put your foot in my ear? How's that work? Oh? Yeah,
there we go? There we god feel eggs? Man? Are
(56:00):
you feeling, bud? Oh so much better you're feeling? Wow?
That roasty sandwich just fucking filled me in like a helium.
It was insane. Yeah, you're allergic, man, I don't know
if you got something. Man, kiss my shoulder quick? Uh yeah, thanks?
(56:22):
Oh that's nice. That's nice. There you go, buddy, Let
me run. Um mom um. This is one of the
guys you met down before, one of the cool guys
out there, like, Um, I'll leave you too alone. I'm
gonna go meet I'm gonna go shan shan by right
(56:49):
so and that yes, yes, well you're you got quite
a lovely boy there. When it gave us a code,
got us right out at you know, it was he's
a smart boy, always with the numbers, numbers, So do
you think he's setting us up on a date. Yes,
that's what this is. That's what this is. I should
(57:11):
just say up front, I'm not interested. Oh well to
the house of awkward. Um, thank you also very damn
much for joining us today. Um let's start with Carla,
(57:33):
just to make it crystal clear how much you have
been missed. Yeah, this one microphone per house thing is
just not working for us. I love that you're in
the Carolinas. We didn't expect to be here this long,
and that you've escaped reality beautifully and I've created your
own and that it's going well. But I'm going to
(57:55):
take up a collection from the listeners and see if
you can send a second microphone, because this is really
so great to have you back. And thank you as always,
thank you for inviting me. Did the the in laws
come and go? Were they still there? They came and went,
and it was some We did the test, we did
(58:15):
testing all four of us. We did the social distancing Um. Yeah,
we ate outside together six ft apart. Like it was
really stressful. Actually, it's so weird. It's a new world,
every aspect of it. But we're so glad that you
could make time and please come back as soon as possible.
(58:38):
Thanks Ken much, much safety and health to you all. Christovarado,
same here, buddy, Thanks so much for coming back and
uh and joining the fun and and God, God bless
you and the family. Hey, God bless you and your family.
You know what I mean. Really. By the way, my
mom right before we started recording and sent me a
(58:58):
video of you getting roast getting roasted by Nikki what's
her name, Nicky Glacier class Glass. Yeah. Yeah, it was
the Bruce Willis Rose and we were all in the
dais and as is the want of those ridiculous things,
they you have to roast each other as well, right,
(59:18):
But my mom led with, look how handsome he looks
in this. I think it's the tuxedo or suit. So
my mom was she had the hots for you this morning.
That was to say, yeah, gotta look good in the
tucks or stock wearing clothing altogether. That is where I said,
you know, speaking of roasting other people on the daist,
I'm just going to digress for a moment, because hey,
why not They ended up cutting two of my favorite
(59:40):
jokes because um they were, well, I'll share them with
you guys and the listeners. Please write to us your
name here at auguments dot com and the way in
whether they should be Maybe you shouldn't cut from a
roast it might be imagine. Well, that's why I wanted.
I want the feedback from people I can truy. This
(01:00:01):
is an airring on Comedy Central, So you're supposed to
roast each other on the days, we're supposed to really
go after people. So like Ed Norton was on the days,
and I said, hey, Ed Norton's here. Of course, back
in the day Ed Norton ran around with Courtney Love.
I should say that a little more respectfully. Ed Norton
has aids it was the biggest laugh of the entire night.
(01:00:25):
I promise you all humility is uh incorporated. And then later,
like ten minutes later, my I set this call back
when I finally got to Bruce. Uh. Bruce is a
very private guy. I've known him a long time. We've
done several movies together. I've seen him in his private life,
and there's some certain things that nobody knows about, one
(01:00:46):
of which I should share uh Ed Norton gave Bruce aids.
Isn't it weird that both of those jokes did not. Anyways,
little levity for my my crew that I love so much,
including Mark Gagliardi. Thanks for having me. This is always
a blast. I hope to see you very soon. Joey Greers,
(01:01:07):
same to you, pleasure, Thank you for having man. Please
stay healthy. And James, you're gonna miss you for the
next couple of weeks. Please let us know when you come.
It's a shame about James, guy, shame about jam All right,
that's it for today. Let's thank our producer and engineer
of the Stars, Mr Doug Baine. Find folks that I
(01:01:28):
heart media Famy host Kevin Pollock reminding you we can
beat this damn thing if everyone wears a mask every
single time to leave their house. That's it. That's all
you gotta do, all right, Love you all, Please be
safe and healthy out there. Until next time. Hi,
Welcome back to another episode. Alchemy is coming nineteen edition.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock, guest that Kevin po Yeah,
that's fine. Just leave it on the you know, you
stay there, you know what, you stay there and I'll
come get it. No, no, no better skill. Give it
to Joey Queer and let him just keep it. But
I digress. Let's meet Rock Shall and no particular order.
(00:26):
Say you lot to Chris Albarado, Mr Albaron and real
ever been fishing? No, no, no, no no. I had
a rocky childhood, so fishing was out of the question. Yep.
And by rocky, I know what rock you're talking about.
Look out there, it's Carla Katkowski. What's the last thing
you cooked outdoors? Oh? Gosh nothing. I've never used a
(00:52):
barbecue in my life, all right, but I've eaten a
lot outdoors. Yeah you have. That was my fall up.
So thank you. Hey, James Heeney is in the house.
Heen comea the what's your least favorite part about going
to the beach? Um? I don't like, uh, the idea
(01:14):
when I get into the water. If I'm at the
beach and getting in the water and I know too
many people that have gotten hit by sting rays. So
as I get in, I shuffle my feet. I it's
just terrifying to me. Now, hit by sting rays in
California State beaches. Are you kidding? I know too, I'm
not kidding. Got it within two months, my wife got it,
(01:34):
got stun, got stune. We're not talking jellyfish, We're talking stingray.
I'm talking sting rays. If you have just hiding and
waiting to get you, do they have a little blowguns.
In James's defense, the California State beach is uh, ask
you to do the sting ray shuffle, which is what
(01:56):
I do, which is when you walk to your feet
like this, shuffling across the sand. My wife got stung
by a stingray. She was way past where you would
even have your feet in the ground, and it like
got her when she wasn't standing on the ground. Okay,
I think you're being singled up by stingrays and I'm
gonna take it up with my local as Semberment. Hey,
everybody's Mark Gagliardi. Hi on your mark. When we're allowed back.
(02:22):
What's the first thing you'll do with Disneyland? I the
first thing I'm gonna do with Disneyland is I'm gonna go.
I'm not gonna go very far into the park. I'm
gonna go immediately in the park. I gonna make a
right and I'm gonna go to great moments with Mr
Lincoln and I'm gonna sit in the front row and
he's not going to be wearing a mask, and I'm
not gonna be wearing a mask. And when he does
the Gettysburg address, I'm gonna get his animatronic spit all
(02:44):
over me and his droplets going to care his sweet
sweet robotic droplets. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, they're they're being fascist
about masks wearing in the few parks that have opened.
They're literally as scorting people out who aren't wearing a mask.
F y I anyways, Uh, last, but soaking his upper
(03:05):
lip perspiration if you think him least, it's Joey Greer
never new enough. Why do I think you, of all people,
must have streaked at some point? You're not wrong, But
it was never in like public places. It would be
at my me and my house. I don't know, is
(03:29):
this uh obvious? His history rewrites to protect oneself from
subpoena's no, no, no, from some peenies. No I did.
I would poop and pea naked. I have to strip
fully new to do it, and at that ended until
I was well, I still do it. But that's that's
(03:51):
pretty much. That was my ama, and there was an
open toilet in my home. So you just thankfully we've
driven seventeen miles past the question, and I thank you
for all your input. All right, let's do it, damn
show almost all of our scene suggestions to gather from
your listener emails. If you'd like to submit one, please do.
I'd love to read them and reply simply right or
type two. Yeah, don't write please, don't write to us.
(04:14):
Type to your name here at alchemist dot com. That's
typing your name here. Seen one comes to Patroon v
I P. Lance, who wrote, Hi, y'all. I have been
listening since show number one, and I've loved it from
the start. I swear about halfway through my commute to
d C, I will grow tired of some news podcast
(04:39):
or some unsolved murder podcast and just scroll through to
find an old Alchemy this episode and enjoy the rest
of the trip much much more. I love it so
much that when the Patroon v I p option came up.
I took the plunges. I was totally and totally want
this show to continue. Hell as others have done. I've
(04:59):
even dug up my old Apple iTunes and fols so
I can write a review. Jesus, Lance is apparently running
for best best Member audience member ever. I don't mean
to interrupt Kevin, but let me just say we are
three d and fifty up on reviews in the past
thirty days. It's incredible. I think you just told people
to back off and stop writing reviews. We don't have
(05:21):
any reviews. We need more reviews. We need more reviews.
So it's next week you go on the road. Two
weeks Okay, sorry sorry? Uh he goes on. I love
all the cast members, and thanks to Patroon video video sessions,
I am now to the point where I can put
voices to names and faces. It's only been like twenty months,
but who's counting. Uh okay, such a joy, not joking,
(05:44):
Love you all, Lance from Baltimore. It doesn't seem like
oh scene suggested there. It is in the middle buried.
Thank god. That would be a lot to just read.
What't rates are you always certain there is a suggestion. Yeah,
this one is there always at the end. This one
(06:05):
was weirdly buried in the middle, um saying suggestion. Very
simple two words divorce court. M h baby, baby, just reconsider, reconsider, reconsider.
I'm I'm really done. I'm done with it. I'm done
with you. I'm sorry. Okay, let's get to it. Everyone
(06:27):
can be seated. I am Judge trum Bone. This is
my court, and as it's my court, I as it's
my court, I will allow that outburst any others. No,
thank you, but I I just want to love the
(06:49):
way that your eyes pop up against that rope that
you're wearing. Thank you very much. It's very handsome, your honor. Well,
thank you. I have shark eyes and it pops in
this just dark rope, So thank you so much. Awesome. Okay, Well,
I like you. I don't know what you're here for.
Are you journalist? What's your what's your I'm actually I'm
getting a divorce. I'm representing. I'm oh lawyer. She is.
(07:15):
Please disregard what he said. She's definitely getting a divorce today.
Well is that Greece on your lapel? Sir? What is that? Yes?
It is Yana and also elevens and spices. Okay, all right,
that's the smell. I'm representing the guy, and I just
want to say that my opponent, the great lawyer from Detroit,
(07:39):
is putting on some voice to make himself sound more
interesting and or important, and I object. Yeah, declare, You
don't need to declare anything. Okay, we haven't started yet. Okay,
we haven't started. I don't I'm not even sure taking
first did you not tell your lawyer your name? That
is so like you. This is why I can't be
(08:01):
with you anymore, because you don't even introduce yourself properly
in the right circumstances. Okay, I'll work on it, work
on it. Excuse me, sir, Hi, my name is Daniel,
Daniel Caravine. Why are you approaching the bench? Who said
you hit approach the bench? What is going on? Bailiff?
Can I talk you for a second? Bailiff? Yeah? What's bailiffs? Yes? Okay?
Can you two? I got I have two bailiffs? Here?
(08:22):
Is that? What? How is that? What? Time? Lunch? Today? Lunch?
Just want to say it is look at me, me,
my chambers, like we are in a recess bailiffs chambers.
I think I think I won. I think I won. No,
it's not a winner. It's not a winner. Lose. We're
not We're not quiet yet, they assumed to be ex
Mrs Carabine. We'll talk to the judge. I'll let you
(08:44):
know what what what he says when we come out
of there. Hey, what's up you, bailess? We need a well, Steve,
I think we need a break. Well, it doesn't matter.
We need a break. Okay, what does that mean? It
means we need to come apart. We need some time apart.
What sure, I'm an employee. I don't understand what you're saying.
(09:06):
I understand that, And what I'm saying is, I'm gonna
I'm gonna put you in another courtroom and I'm gonna
get a different bail You're gonna put me. Yes, you're
gonna be moved. What is confusion about? Look divorce court.
Divorce Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge trump
p Et presiding, seems like alright, I'm taking a look here.
(09:31):
We've got Honorable Trumbone from the court next door. I
would like to separate from his uh from his bailiff.
Steve is that correct. Yeah, this is some kind of bullshit.
What do your grievance is, Honorable Judge trump Bone grievances
are that number one? Uh? Lack of duty? Duty? What's
(09:52):
number two? This is part of it. What just happened
right there, that's a huge part of it. I you know,
I don't I gett to my courtroom. I have no
idea what's going on? I have a number three? Is alright?
What's number three? You want? The third problem is we
(10:12):
don't question any more authorities. Sure, we don't talk anymore.
You're on here. We used to connect, we used to vibe.
We should go down and from an employee, where are
your lawyers? You're on? I am all right here and
I am here to represent the bailiff. But I didn't
want to say your honor that your cologne is really
(10:36):
nice today. Well, gosh, thank you very much. Yeah. It
walks into the air and it circulates through the room,
and I am overly impressed. It is Dolce and Gabana.
And aren't you the dolce ist as in the sweetest
for saying so? Are you from Detroit? I am? I
(10:56):
just heard it in right outside ham trammic is where
I'm from ham Trammic right outside. I'd like to second
the notion and regarding the cologne, sir to subtle yet pleasing.
Oh no, need to steve, You've already won this case.
What that's right? Thank you? Tom. That sucks, dude. I
(11:18):
can't believe you guys broke up. That's sucking, bummer, dude.
But yeah, your mother welcome to stay at my place
as long as you need to, dude. And uh no,
I don't even know if I want to be a
bailiff anymore. I feeling good, have changed everything. Yeah, well,
I mean this is a time to kind of booting
on you and your family. No, man, No, I didn't
(11:39):
know you're you're you are family, dude, So don't don't
worry about that. Um. But you know, everyone's kind of
got weird hours. I work night shifts. Miranda's and the
a M kids are in the afternoon, so you know,
just just kind of just melt in, dude. I don't
think it's gonna be that big of a problem. But
you have cable TV. Yeah, we got cable Yeah, Dad,
(12:04):
can you pass the bread? Yeah? So uh yeah, so everyone,
of course Tom's gonna be with us for a bid
and we're just not even wearing any shoes. Okay, House,
he should be wearing shoes. Okay, is that what I'm
telling his fate? Look at that toenail. Oh my gosh,
(12:27):
christ on a cue combing? Can I talk to you
in the kitchen, murder? What is it, Miranda, Miranda Jr. Senior? Baby,
you can talk to you in the kitchen for a second.
Yes you, yes, you look you've been hanging out with
the kids too much. You got this kind of vibe
(12:49):
and lingo. That's it's just that's just like I feel
like you're underminding me when I'm trying to help my
buddy Tom out. Okay. Well, I'm just saying I pay
the bills, so okay, I know that. I know that
I put food on the table. I pay for your
fancy cell phone. I bought the Apple TV. I know. Listen, Okay,
my skin grap business is going to blow up. I
(13:10):
know this, Okay, I just need a little fire or something.
It's not true. It's breaking everybody out. I gave it
to my aunt and my aunt Diana, and she it
scarred her. The skin wrap scared her. Well. She was
moving when I told her not to, So I don't
know what do you want me to do? Look, just
just for a little bit, just for a little bit,
we'll have him here and then then then we could
(13:32):
ask them to leave. Okay, okay, just for a little bit,
just for a couple of months, a couple of months
days out of here. Okay, that is not a little bit,
that is a lot bit. All right, all right. We've
got today's case in divorce court. We've got Miranda Senior
versus Mr Miranda. I'm sorry I didn't catch your first name.
(13:53):
Ask your lawyer? What's that? What's his first name? Did
you not bring a lawyer either? He's not here yet. Uh,
he'll be here in a second. You owe me for that. Right.
We raced, We were raced to see who that would
be a lawyer. He drove. I happed out of the car,
(14:14):
but he left the car running. These guys are wearing shoes. Gentlemen,
I'm gonna have to ask you to wear shoes if
you're going to be in my courtroom. Oh shout, I
left mine in the car. Okay, I'll right back ship. Um,
can we wait until he comes back? And this other
gentleman still here? He could very well, I mean you've
(14:35):
passed the bar, right, young man. That is the first
time you wore a suit. Yeah. I don't think that's
gonna win this race. Tommy. You need to represent me time.
You need. I need to win this, dude, if you
if we win, we get the house, you can stay
there as long as you want. I can't believe, but
it's not as a lawyer. This guy is going to
(14:56):
be a representation a minute, aren't you the bailiff from
three doors down. I'm trying to make a I'm trying
to make a new thing for myself. I'm trying to
reimagine my life back back. Wait, he's a he's still
not wearing shoes. Rooted this for me, your honor. I
(15:17):
would like to sue my husband soon to be ex
husband's lawyer for breaking my Apple TV. Yeah all right, Look,
why don't we just add it to the list, you
know what, write it on a post it note and
just bring it up here to the bench and I'll
put it inside the file. Well, I got a tattoo
(15:38):
of it, okay, of the broken Apple TV. Yes, that's
how much it hurt me. That's petty, all right, So
what so what are we thinking my specialty is snake tattoos.
I can do flames. You tell me what you want, sweetheart. Um,
(15:58):
I want this Apple team, but broken, I wanted to
remind me of my marriage and how it's a piece
of plastic and how sometimes plastic breaks. Uh. You buy
plastic and you think all my hopes and dreams are
in this plastic, and then someone steps on it accidentally,
and all of a sudden, the dreams are gone. Yeah, well,
(16:21):
are you making a lot of sense? Thank you? What's
I didn't get your name, Miranda Senior? M Yes, that
is my last name, a toaster? What's up? Man? What
are you trying to reconnect all of a sudden? Dude?
And let me tell you this man, fuck you do
it all right and suck your tattoo business. Dude. Alright, look,
(16:41):
I don't want to fight. Came here, came here. Sorry,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sometimes life
is like plastic. Step on that plastic break? So Gray, man,
(17:06):
you but I'm going on this date now, man, So
thanks for this. I feel open, I feel open out,
you know what I mean. And so she's not divorced yet,
but she says she's about divorced, and I think that
(17:26):
means something. You know, that does man? Hey, that's that's
that sounds one fot you know, hey, hey, hey, don't
forget you deserve someone. Oh my god, I haven't cried
in a long time. Man, wash your face, Wash your face. Yeah,
Mr lawyer, I have heard that you have been winning
(17:49):
a lot of cases around these parts lately. Which of
those lawyers you're talking to? Well, I did. I did
swing in the town, Like no, not you goddamn get
out of here, Get out of here. I did swing
into town and win a few cases. I hear you're
doing quite well for yourself as well, using the flattery
(18:13):
approach at the beginning every time. Is that your sandwich?
That's my sandwich, that's my sandwich. I'll look up there
with you continue this conversation. You could have half of
my sandwich if you really wanted some. This are you
proposing that we go into business together? You sandwich if
(18:34):
you want it? Well, as a roast beef sandwich is
roast beef sandwich? Or does a roast beef sandwich means
you have decided that this town is in fact big
enough for the two of us. Because the note you
left under my windshield, said that it was not, and
now you are willing to share your sandwich with me.
I'm just curious if we are the second part of
that monologue was what I was right. Oh, I do
(18:56):
I apologize. I do get a little long wind. And
we know that's that laugh about you. That's why you're
a winner. It's because you talk so much that it
exhausts everybody around you. I do. I do want to apologize.
I'm sorry. Are you gonna? Are you picking up? I'm
just I'm trying to get my sandwich and you're kind
of blocking the aisle to get the sandwiches, and I
just law your son, Uh, up and coming? I hope.
(19:20):
I've been training every day, I hit the gym, uh
you know, wind sprints, trying to my part to be
ready for what I'm called up. Do you hear that council,
He's been trained. All right, let me just get my sandwich.
Let's get out of here, John Table. Oh all right,
(19:41):
So let me get this straight. You want one half
of a roastby sandwich on your arm and the other
half on your arm? Is that correct? That is correct?
And then you want in the business together. I'm sorry.
I'm just going to keep talking for a bit because
I want to suck all the energy out of you
get a discount on the final tattoo. Press done. That's
(20:05):
what I'm gonna do. Done, And and you want you
want it to say a roast beef sandwich is a
roast beast sandwich. That is correct, but half of the
sentence on my half of the sandwich and half the
sentence on horse right, so that anybody who saw it
it would still just say roast beef is roasty sandwiches,
(20:26):
and then a roosby sandwich. So I guess I'll take
the first part since it's a little worse than the
second one, roasty sandwich. I'm I'm willing to do that
for you. That's that Detroit kindness ham tramming, and that
is seen one for the energy energy to flow back
(20:49):
into our bodies. She does. I'd like to echo the
sentiments of all the other people writing in and thank
you for for your efforts to consistently provide us with
semi quality content. It's difficult time. I hope you all
(21:11):
realize that you brought so many people joy through your
wild antics and more importantly, the wonderful characters you guys
come up with, and then he listed about forty seven
of them. I will not read. Um. Here's my scene suggestion.
The newly founded volunteer group called Blank with Borders UH
embarks on its first charitable project. I'll let you all
(21:33):
fill in the blank. Blank with Borders keep doing what
you're doing. Connor, Alberta, Canada. Okay, everyone, your packs are
on your left there. You should have a buddy already
designated to you. It's one of the packs is for
each of us. I should have a QR code on there,
so if you just scan that, that'll tell you exactly
(21:53):
where those with our eyes your phone. I don't want
him as a park get off me. So you two
are buddied up, and that's just the way it's gonna go. Okay, well,
then teach him here. Okay, listen, everybody, we're Sandwiches without Borders.
We're trying to give sandwiches everybody, all right, And a
lot of people don't like sandwiches. A lot of people
(22:13):
don't have sandwiches, and our job is to make sure
people get sandwiches regardless of borders. And also was signing
up for Sandwiches with Borders no, we're not. Get the
hell out of here, Get the hell out. I was
pretty pretty sure that it very clearly said with with borders. Well,
then maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm Maybe I'm going to
(22:34):
suck up. Maybe I'm but I'm going to set everything up,
I get everyone organized, and I sucked it up. You
know what, then you know that I quit. You're right,
you're right. Alogies there without the borders of the toast exactly,
(22:56):
that's what it is. Sandwiches without borders. There's no crust,
no crusted, the crustless sandwich, the distribution, the distribution of
the sandwiches. There are borders. We're not just giving them
to everybody, right, we give him to everyone too, it's
without solid question, start giving out. He's a leader. How
the hell did everyone get on the Mostia Maru without
(23:20):
even knowing what the funk we're doing here? We're on
the sea investment Maru. Yes, okay, yes, okay, it's commercial. Okay,
So please please please don't start drinking again. Tell me no, no, no,
you know what, you know what, Claire, you're such a
fucking people. Please are you're so scared of me just
(23:42):
drinking again? You get so mean when you start to drink.
He's already right now what the fund is up? You
do not mean to me, I can't. Haven't just caught
myself that everyone's just going freaking one who has been
around forever. And if this is a five on a
scale of one in ten of me while here we go,
you never forget ship, it goes right up to a ten. Well,
(24:06):
hold on, hold on, that's that's that's kind of that's hearsay.
You're right, you're the only one who knows him. Maybe,
but you're I'm saying, it's your hold on this year
say have borders or as you say, without borders. I mean, look,
if we're really getting into semantics, she didn't say that
she wanted. She didn't say that she no, technically, she
said she's the one that's been here forever. So I mean,
(24:28):
I'm guessing that's that's being even more question. All I'm
saying is, Captain Tony, what if we give you a
couple of millar lights. I'm just I'm just running, I'm
helping this program. I'm not a captain of the of
the marou forgot saying, wait, you're not the captain and
we're on international waters which means that anything goes. He's
(24:49):
carrying a sword. This shorts got bullets on. It's a
very carefully tread or carefully you know what I mean?
With your booch? Cap by here they are, Shall I
get boots on for you? Seem I got yeah, captain sandwich.
(25:17):
Captain wants a sandwich on a shidwich. Thank you. I'll
take one out of my backpack. Um fancy Jim's got
himself a backpack and that it was my pack. I
guarantee it was because of the QR code. But it's
just are warming up, Greg. We got somebody that needs
(25:39):
to walk the play. I was trying to help you
super technical here, but I'm not certain he's our captain.
He might during this ship. Oh no, well guess what.
I'm certain that this is a full bottle of scoon off.
Let's get it going, Tony to captain. You gotta get
it to gather Tony, let him do it. What do
(26:00):
you mean that you walk to the planks? The captain
drunk too? I think he's a pirate. They're always drunk. Yeah,
he's a pirate. Does you're right here? Come with me?
You're walking the plank. Maybe he's gone a note in
(26:21):
his backpack from his doctor saying he doesn't have to
walk the plank. Oh, let's see, let's seecks just full
of sandwiches. Well, Jim, you're you're completely uh immunized, You're
good to go or whatever the word is. And uh,
I also see here that you want to uh, you're
looking for a letter from a doctor's safe to not
(26:43):
walk off the plank? Are you serious? Well? I mean
I know that it's rare that these types of things
come up, but as a non swimmer, I think it's
important to have a note on hand in case. Excuse me, sorry,
but Timmy the non swimmer. Sorry, can I just have
a doctor? The doctor? Is he here for just a moment.
Just got some test results. I wanted to let him
(27:04):
know about real Oh my god, these are my results?
What are there? Yeah? The results are you could stay
just if you would look the other way and maybe
type on your phone. So I feel like you're distracted? Done? Okay?
When someone becomes immune? Yeah, how what's the past tense
(27:24):
of that? Is? The test results? Are you just scolding?
What is going on? This is the test and they're immunized.
The I the immunities of eyes. Their immunity has eyes. Okay,
I'm gonna need you to leave the building and pack
up your stuff. Get everything out of your locker. No,
my doctor's locker. No, no, I earned that. Give me
your so I was like, no, I don't want to
(27:48):
see you anymore anyway. Doctors a locker talk, you know
how it goes? Oh? Sh look who just walked in?
Like h nothing, I got cut from the team, from
the doctor team. Doctor team. Just got cut from the team,
(28:12):
like red tagging his locker cut? Was it the pronunciation problem? Yeah, yeah,
I pronuncing a word I don't understand. And let's let's
guess what the word was pronunci eight. This is this
(28:35):
is the most like broish bullshit doctor's locker. Remember been
to my life? I have some fucking class. I mean,
look this noted. It definitely is from a doctor, and
it says he can't walk the plank. It's legitimate. Yea,
enough walking up flying make him walk more clear? I
(28:56):
shouldn't have to have got the doctor snow. Then we'll
draw and cool to them, will cut them up. We'll
cut them up. Don't worry, children. Soon right across the horizon,
a ship will come through and give us all sandwiches,
what kind of ses? All kinds of sandwiches? The crystal
(29:17):
will if you want? Can we get them without crust? Probably? Probably? Yeah,
So you're not going to commit to an answer. I
don't know what the funk they made over there makes
my stomach go flippity flop trauma, that trauma. What are
(29:44):
you doing? Man? What are you doing? My blood sugars? Okay, sandwich,
I mean too, my god, but you can't put it
on these kids. Come on, they're putting it on me there.
They know what the they're doing. Just asked you a question, Henry.
They just to a question about the roast beef or
if there was crust. You listen, listen, dude, listen. I'm
(30:06):
done playing fucking pretend land here. Okay, you're belly. No,
I am distended from starvation, and I don't know. I
don't know why I followed it here to Orphan Island anyway.
I thought we'd be good people doing good things. You're
not gonna hear about sherry splippity flop stomach and fucking
Jimmy's fucking bullshit all day. I'm done, dude. When that
ship comes, I'm going back with him, Henry. Come on, dude,
(30:28):
look we're doing good work out here, okay, And and
look maybe maybe we should have we have salad stuff
we can make. I can make. I don't lot any
more sound stuff, dude, So say you keep saying sound
stuff like that's like good? Okay, Gary and Terry YouTube
signed up for Orphan Island. Right, Orphan Island, Right, that's
(30:53):
the jingle. I just have a couple of questions for you,
and then we'll send you on your way, and thanks
again for violin tearing. Question number why one is why
did you choose or for nine? Well, we're good people?
Uh huh? Are either one of you orphans? Yes, I'm
speaking for my client. Would you go? You're doing You're
(31:16):
doing a great job. Thank you so much. I'm so hungry.
I actually I actually gotta go pep. So I'm gonna
have my client speak for her and I'm gonna go.
Uh we heard so? Uh? Also, uh you, sir? What
was your reason for volunteering good people? Yeah? Right? Um,
(31:36):
I'm just curious why you Is there a key for
the brotherroom or is it is? I might as code
three to one. I guess nine six eight to nine
seven he's gone, he's left the room a while ago.
Nine seven, nine seven, Thank you, three to seven. You're
(32:02):
going to do great at Orphan Island. Um, do either
one of you have ibs? Funny? You should ask yes, yes,
not terribly funny. When you get to Orphan Island, I
can assure you. Are you on any sort of medication
for your ibs? Funny you should ask yes, yes, I am.
None of these questions were designed to be funny. Okay,
So everything looks good with your your charge? She charges um,
(32:25):
and you want to get some medication for your Yeah,
isn't that funny? Uh? Yeah, So I'm not going to
give you prescription for that. I think that's you don't
need that. I think. I think if you pray it away,
it'll be fine. But I thought you were the doctor
who gives out like prescriptions for walking a plane. I was,
(32:46):
but then I got flippity flop a lot of trouble
for that. So I have a lot of money. I
think I was a doctor who had a locker. Okay,
I was part of a team. I was part of
a unit. And the locker or a hurt locker, or
like a book locker, or like a I look at like,
(33:07):
what kind of locker? What kind of locker? It was
like a gym. You know, it's like there's open grates,
you can put your pads in there. I spent a
lot of time in the inside of those, got beat
up a lot in school. Oh I thought you worked
with metal. Oh my god, that's uh, that's a you
know what. Welcome back to the Dollar Pyramid. We've got
(33:31):
a great couple of celebrity guest for us today and
they're gonna try to win twenty five thousand for these
two wonderful fans slash civilians. We're just to catch you up.
We're in the second act now and we're gonna go
over to Steve with giving clues. And here's your word.
The word is locker. Okay okay um uh house uh
(33:56):
hand sanitizer um uh big open open uh dusty um
uh groger Uh no no uh do dog dog do?
Um sim symbol a symbol, a bit, some symbol a
bit lockers uh locker n I got no. I said,
(34:23):
all right, once against dude, you've managed to get points
for your civilian without realizing you had won the round.
When we come back, we're gonna hear from team too.
Right after this words from Larry's House of suns. Okay,
I'm calm everybody. Look, kids, look here he comes. Here
(34:45):
comes the ship's wait and say, hi, what are those
are those cannons? I think it's a cannons and a
diving board. Maybe they're gonna shoot shoot? I don't know
if I say the pirate chip, sir, And this looks
like a pirate ship. Yeah, there's a big skull painted
on the side of it with bones, skull and bones.
(35:06):
That's a pirate thing. That's a pirate thing. Okay, fun pirates,
heavy pirates. Kids? Do you want to eat more solid stuff?
Does that sound like death to anyone else? That sounds
like marching? Want this plank? I'm telling you, please, don't
(35:27):
make me get down. I'm baking you. There's a person
on that plank. It's called a diving board. Josh, maybe
he'll do a cannon ball. Let's see. He's gonna die.
It's too high up there. Listen, Sherry, I know you've
seen a lot of bad things in your life, hence
the flippity flops. Yeah, man, it's gonna die and everyone dies.
(35:51):
Everyone does it works? What's the handless number? One of
wolfn Island. Everyone dies, What the fuck? I didn't say
that that the kids said that, But where do they
learned that from Henry? But they learned that from Henry? Huh.
I don't know. I'm sucking starting. I go it s up.
(36:14):
I got soup, not a scene too. I'm fucking starving, man.
I love salad stuff. Oh my lord. Three from Patron
VP Wyatt Hunter, who wrote high Alchemist. I'm a proud
(36:36):
Patreon supporter and everyone should join insert compliment here, insert
callback reference such as I digress. My scene suggestion is
this Satan's minions are misbehaving, so he sends them to
summer camp. Much love, Wyatt from the U K. Okay, well, Shanna,
(36:57):
I don't know what to tell you, right, I mean,
like ate my face off? Okay, I wanted to because
I felt like it. You wanted someone to eat your
face off. I ate my own face off, and yeah
I saw that, Okay, and you scared some of the
other kids. Yeah all right. Did you come into my
office really quick, Stephanie? Yes, excuse me, Hi, listen. I
(37:21):
don't want to scare you, but I am about sure
the three of your campers are You're shaking is everything. Okay,
I think that their spawns of Satan. I think there.
I think, oh my god, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no no. I don't think you think I'm crazy un
(37:41):
telling the truth. Why are you every year? You just
you pick out three kids, hate three kids? Every year.
There's a lot of blood. There's a lot of things
that are happening this year. That's crazy. There's the smell
of sulfur every day, every day Jordan's I don't know
what you want me to do. Honestly, this is just
disturb it. I cannot believe that you're one of the
(38:01):
counselors with me here. It's like, we should wear this cross.
I just think you should wear this cross. I'm not
going to wear that religious icnography here. This is just
this should be for everyone. Okay, I'm not joking. Put
in your pocket, put your packet. I don't want this,
I don't need this. I'm good just saying if we
don't all use it, it's useless. It's it's like a protection. Um.
(38:24):
I just want to say, I thought it was really
cool when you ate your face and then spit it
back out. Thanks. I was working up to it and
I thought maybe I would disappear my face forever, but
then I pooped it out. I'm glad you didn't. I
didn't glad he didn't disappear it forever. I mean, I'm
this is stupid, but I made you have a bracelet
(38:44):
a franchi. Do you want to touch me? But you're
all glowing and stuff, go for it? Okay, alright, campers,
a line up, campers, line up? Ship this kids having
a seizure all right? Oh my god, oh tongue and
(39:10):
uh sorry, sorry about that. I Oh my god, I
felt the soul. Oh my god. Well, so he's in
charge now. Okay, guys, I'm in charge, and I'll be
very honest. It's gonna be a different kind of camp
(39:31):
experience now. But I'm in charge, okay, because I'm not
going to put up with any of your devilish acts.
You're not asshole that takes three people every year and
hates for no reason. You know what, There's always a reason,
and this year, I've got a specific reason, and I
want each of you to come up and I'm going
to put a necklace on you. Okay, So that way,
(39:55):
what was that I'm not wearing you? It Neglice dry
this that that is? That is Brimstone High counselor Jane.
So how is my little boy doing? I know he
he was writing home. He said he had a crush
on some girl that does funny things with her face.
(40:18):
Is everything? Okay? Annette? Um wait wait you call me anette?
You never call me a Nette. Brian. Brian was touched
by a demon and his soul was ripped him and
sent to the nether world. I don't know how else
to say this. Wait, what well, you better say it
another way, because what you just said doesn't make any sense,
(40:39):
is he Okay? Put him on the phone. Put them
on the phone. He's like, we're not able. We can't
talk to him like this. Look, if you want to
get Brian back, you're gonna have to traverse the river
sticks and break down the walls of Hades herself and
find him. We did this last year, I know, and
then it was like fucking nightmare. Net Listen, Okay, I
can't help this. One of the other campers is possessed
(41:04):
by Satan. I don't know how clear I can be
about that, Trevor, Mate, I don't know how long we've
been working on his walls of hades. But at some
point they'll be done right. Well, thanks, So what about you, lief?
You think we're gonna finish his fucking walls his hades? Mate,
I don't think we're ever going to finish this. I mean,
is that all right in hell? Is to just build
(41:27):
this this wall? I mean, look over there, look at Sisipus.
How long you've been pushing that fucking rock up there
since I got here? That's for sure? Take a break,
will you? You know he can't take a break? Was
a s guy. It was just just shown up. Yeah,
you the one who's with the name tag. What says Brian? Brian?
(41:51):
What's your story? Um? I I was in camp and
then I liked the girl, and then I'm here right right?
But my mom I think my mom's coming to get me.
I'm not going. Yeah, she's definitely coming to get you
by yeah that's what I said. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's
coming eventually. Right, Yeah, that's what I mean. Can we
(42:12):
get you anything in the meantime? Are you hungry or
you're thirsty? Do you have any salad stuff? Salad stuff? Yeah,
it's like sweet green there and over in the back. Okay,
So what would you like, go on that salad, mate,
let's get to work on it. I don't know just
standards a kid salad? A kid what we made a
(42:32):
kid's salad, that's what. Just let us in A couple
of carrots and branch dressing. Yeah, and Cruton's plays extra crutons.
Can I ask you a question, sir? Any question you
got a little one? Have you ever been in love?
And if so, how did you know? And if so,
what did you do about it? Where sure, I've been
in love and I knew it because I shook until
my soul was gone. I think that's what happened to me, right,
(42:57):
That's what happened to all of us down here. Mate. Well, Jordan,
thank you so much for saying me a lot of table.
You're well completely child of good. It's always welcome into
the house of good. Thank you, good good. What can
I do for your child? Well, it's pretty simple. It's
similar to last year, except this time I'm one page.
(43:18):
I am sure that this year three of the campers
are possessed demons. I don't think they're possessed. I think
there's literally some decent demons and some of them have possessed.
It's it's like a virus outbreak, and I can't get
anybody to use the crosses. I don't know what to do.
I think you need to come down to the campground. Jordan.
What you're saying is a very serious sin. Don't know
(43:40):
what you're saying. I know last year I was wrong,
but this is not a sin because it's true. Jordan's
I exercise the children that didn't need to be exercised.
Do you know what that means? I opened the portal
to hell and then got them possessed? My bad, my
bad father. I'm just saying, we need to cross the
river sticks this time. Okay, we need to get I
(44:01):
lost a camper and no camper left behind. Okay, so
I need you and me to go down the river sticks.
I mean, that's that's a different mythology than what how
you believe? You understand it right? You know what I'm
working with? What I got here? Okay, I don't know.
I don't know a lot, but I know that we've
lost one. It's names Brian. Wow. Well, the way I
(44:22):
see it is you never really told her how you
felt about her? Is good? That for years, mate, I've
been telling you that for years. I guess that's right. Yeah, yeah,
does anybody want to buy them in Crucians? They're covering ranch.
Oh thanks mate, you went not on lab. But that's
very generous of you. He's been a time little man.
Do you want to help us build his wooly? No?
(44:44):
Thank you. Not Just pay the ferryman, Just pay the environyman.
I paid last year and he said it was good
for three sixty five days. That was last year. That
was three and sixty five days. I don't to the day.
I mean I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
You pay, you pay? No, just is it my kid
to the day? Just pay the fucking ferry Okay fine? Also,
(45:07):
thank you for coming along on a girl's trip of course.
Okay here here? What how much do I give you? Again?
Is it two locks of my hand? Captain won a payment?
Captain won a payment one coin per e one coin
per eyes. So there's four eyes. No, just just pay
(45:27):
just two coins, four coins per eye. Do you have
two eyes? You have two eyes? Oh my god, I
do so, so you get two coins for you, two
coins for me? Is it just one for all of us?
Or like do we have flirting? Stop flirting with him. Ok, okay,
(45:48):
go co co co? Excuse me, sir? Yes, oh what
was that? Who was that? Sorry? I'm sorry, I'm actually here.
I feel partly responsible for Brian. I'm here. You don't
came back. There is a cue acute. Well, I'm with them.
(46:08):
They don't know it yet, but I feel responsible for
what's happened. Two more coins. Jordan, Hi, this is Jordan,
thank you. Uh, Jordan's uh, this is a This is
the mother of the kid whose soul you send down here.
I didn't. Oh, you're the one that mess with Brian. Listen,
it's not really that I messed with Brian. It's just
(46:29):
the last year I cried Wolton. No one believed me
this year, so it's kind of my fault. Does anybody
have some coins that can have Well, I don't know.
I just feel like when I leave, you guys can
just come with me and you could be my brothers
or something for my uncle's I don't think he guess mate,
it definitely doesn't. Nobody leaves him mite. Yeah. You see
(46:51):
that door right there and has a code. It does.
The code is three to one eight two nine. We
we've been punching it wrong. Oldest time we've been punching
three to two, eight to nine, seven is whole fucking time.
It's true, and every time it doesn't look Brian, Brian, Mom, Brian,
(47:17):
I miss you, Mom, Get off of me. These are
my friends. How you doing it? You must be a
net I am yes? Hi, Wow, you are handsome. Well.
This is my friend. This is Teresa, Teresa. It's a
bottle up holy water. Oh my god, my friends, my friends.
(47:41):
Leave alone, leave alone? Baby, come back? Stop stop, stops up, baby,
come back. I'm sorry, that just made me think of that. Sorry. So, Shanna,
you've got to come out of your room sometime. I
know he broke your heart. I know he's gone, but
you've got to come out of there. Uh. I don't
(48:04):
want to, Shanna. No, I'm gonna eat my face. You
don't regurgitate and eat your face again. That's how you
got a boy in this first place to fall for you.
What am I supposed to do? Just get over it? Yeah,
we're different than them. Get over it. We can't be
like the rest of those humans, can't. We failed. We
(48:27):
all do the same stuff, we all feel. We all
eat sandwiches. Hey, mom, thanks for driving me to this house.
No problem, Hey, go get him. Thanks. Mom. Look, I'm
just saying Sean was hold on. Somebody's at the door.
What hell? Hello? Hello? Oh? Shu is Shan? Is Shaanna here?
(48:57):
Who's ass? Brad At? It's okay, Dad, It's okay, it's okay,
it's okay you Shan bye? Is it for Shanni or
shan up? Shana? Is that you? It's it's me, Brian.
Oh my gosh, oh oh no, oh no, I'm good.
(49:17):
I can't help myself. I made it everything. Oh god,
Well she's regurgitated her face again. Brian, Yeah, I'm still here.
Somehow I thought I killed you and sent you to hell.
You did, but Hell's not what people think it is.
(49:38):
Hell is just like a munch of cool uncles who
didn't get it right the first time. Wow. Sounds like
you've lived a whole lifetime of experience. I feel like
I have in some ways. Um, do you want to
get ice cream? My mom's outside? Yeah, I eat ice cream.
(49:58):
It feels like, do you want to touch me? I'm not.
We can hold hands, but are you sure that the
bad thing won't happen to me again? I'm not? Uh
sorry about Jesus. Um, it's uh, it's kind of a
hot girl summer, if you know what I mean. And people, uh,
a lot of people going to hell, A lot of
(50:19):
people are going up to heaven. I don't know if
you want to check the numbers or you wanna get
involved in some way, but um, I just want to
bring this to your attention. I thought a lot of
you probably know about this already. You know I'm I'm
niscient and I'm omnipresent. All right, you're probably sleeping. I
just wanted to come by and talk to you at
the door. Hey, you're up, all right? Uh? Yeah, So
(50:50):
I just want to let you know what the hell
is popping off right now? And do you need a lozenge?
Do what? H Let me see if I gets all right,
you know what, I'll take control of the situation. Jesus,
your mother has it under control, all right. Yes, we
(51:12):
know that there's a lot going on right now in
the world. Uh, and it's all purposeful. There is a
reason behind all of it. And I bet you want
to know what that reason is, don't you. I mean,
I trust you, I trust you, But if you about
love to hear it, I'd love to hear it you. Well,
it's about teamwork, ensemble. Uh, supporting each other, getting on
(51:36):
the same page, highlighting each other's strengths. Are you trusting
each other forward? Yes? Yes, I'm starting poster alright. I
didn't feel that you could see me. I thought my
eye line was in the right direction. What. No, it's
a great boaster either way. Yes, thank you. You know
(51:57):
I'm built to completely serve. I can't really contradict or.
I go downtown and so happy to be an unjailed.
I love my gig, but that's kind of what I do.
Just gonna pass messages back and feel like I did
my thing. I might. Uh could you bring us a
(52:21):
roast beef sandwich? Yes? I can get that one right now.
I know it out. Do you think I can't do that?
I can do that too. I'm saying the next time
you come, I would like you to bring a roast
beef sandwich. I can go get one right now. I
can go. I could do that too. I'm just saying
the next time, it would be great for you to
(52:42):
bring us a gift. I hear what you're saying, so
I'll get one now. Okay, I can do that too,
I said I could do that. I look, okay, fine,
you've ruined it. Here, here's a roast beef sandwich here.
Thank you. That's awesome. That's for me. Oh I'm sorry.
Here you go. This is your Rosebary sandwich. Good meeting,
great meeting. Okay, awesome. I'll bring a lozenge and uh
(53:05):
I'll be back. Dude, dude, it sounds like she's into you.
Yeah right, I don't. That's crazy, man, come out. So
what Hey, she's still a lady, she still got meats. Yeah.
I have no genitalia, man, I have no sex drive,
but I do think in like a bigger way. I
kind of support her. But I mean, hold on, I
(53:26):
mean interrupt you. But you were built to serve, right, Yeah,
I served that ass out man. Man. I mean I
hear what you're saying, but that does nothing to me.
I don't even feel that. I can't at times, but
can they can remove it. So what I'm thinking is
I might be able to be there emotionally for you know,
because like Joseph friend zone, you don't want to be
(53:47):
in that friend zone. Dog. Yeah yeah, but you know
Jesus is have you have you kiss somebody? Have you
ever kissed someone, Um, I mean kissed by the let
of God. Yeah, okay, here, what do you know, my shoulder?
That's that's what she wants to kiss my shoulder. Get
(54:09):
off my shoulder. I'm sorry, Angel, stand back. You got it.
The funk was that I was talking to Michael. He
that was the most disgusting thing that has ever happened
to me. And I've been around since forever. Okay, I
(54:29):
botched it. I botched it. All right, Let's let's drop
the sandwich. Angel, dropped the sandwich and exit the room.
You got it. Don't fly. I want you to walk.
Walk out of the room. You got it, But don't
turn around. Keep your eyes on me. I don't want
your eyes going anywhere else. Keep about me and step out,
(54:52):
step backwards, step very slowly. Okay. The doors to my left, okay,
oh okay, okay, uh. I feel like the door was
here before. It's gone. Now. I moved it. Okay, I
moved totally totally cool. This is your punishment. He will
spend the rest of eternity. What the funk? Man? What
(55:14):
the lock? She moved the door. That means she wants
the more. I don't think so, man. I don't think so.
I think I should just like quit while on ahead. Hey,
have you ever stuck in your fingers and said someone's
mouth before? I guess to help someone throw up? Sure?
Who would you? Would you help throw up? Uh? Let's
(55:38):
see who was it? I think it was a mess
of fist. He was choking. Dude, dude, fucking help me
throw up? Come on, you got ship? What are you showing?
Don't put your foot in my ear? How's that work? Oh? Yeah,
there we go? There we god feel eggs? Man? Are
(56:00):
you feeling, bud? Oh so much better you're feeling? Wow?
That roasty sandwich just fucking filled me in like a helium.
It was insane. Yeah, you're allergic, man, I don't know
if you got something. Man, kiss my shoulder quick? Uh yeah, thanks?
(56:22):
Oh that's nice. That's nice. There you go, buddy, Let
me run. Um mom um. This is one of the
guys you met down before, one of the cool guys
out there, like, Um, I'll leave you too alone. I'm
gonna go meet I'm gonna go shan shan by right
(56:49):
so and that yes, yes, well you're you got quite
a lovely boy there. When it gave us a code,
got us right out at you know, it was he's
a smart boy, always with the numbers, numbers, So do
you think he's setting us up on a date. Yes,
that's what this is. That's what this is. I should
(57:11):
just say up front, I'm not interested. Oh well to
the house of awkward. Um, thank you also very damn
much for joining us today. Um let's start with Carla,
(57:33):
just to make it crystal clear how much you have
been missed. Yeah, this one microphone per house thing is
just not working for us. I love that you're in
the Carolinas. We didn't expect to be here this long,
and that you've escaped reality beautifully and I've created your
own and that it's going well. But I'm going to
(57:55):
take up a collection from the listeners and see if
you can send a second microphone, because this is really
so great to have you back. And thank you as always,
thank you for inviting me. Did the the in laws
come and go? Were they still there? They came and went,
and it was some We did the test, we did
(58:15):
testing all four of us. We did the social distancing Um. Yeah,
we ate outside together six ft apart. Like it was
really stressful. Actually, it's so weird. It's a new world,
every aspect of it. But we're so glad that you
could make time and please come back as soon as possible.
(58:38):
Thanks Ken much, much safety and health to you all. Christovarado,
same here, buddy, Thanks so much for coming back and
uh and joining the fun and and God, God bless
you and the family. Hey, God bless you and your family.
You know what I mean. Really. By the way, my
mom right before we started recording and sent me a
(58:58):
video of you getting roast getting roasted by Nikki what's
her name, Nicky Glacier class Glass. Yeah. Yeah, it was
the Bruce Willis Rose and we were all in the
dais and as is the want of those ridiculous things,
they you have to roast each other as well, right,
(59:18):
But my mom led with, look how handsome he looks
in this. I think it's the tuxedo or suit. So
my mom was she had the hots for you this morning.
That was to say, yeah, gotta look good in the
tucks or stock wearing clothing altogether. That is where I said,
you know, speaking of roasting other people on the daist,
I'm just going to digress for a moment, because hey,
why not They ended up cutting two of my favorite
(59:40):
jokes because um they were, well, I'll share them with
you guys and the listeners. Please write to us your
name here at auguments dot com and the way in
whether they should be Maybe you shouldn't cut from a
roast it might be imagine. Well, that's why I wanted.
I want the feedback from people I can truy. This
(01:00:01):
is an airring on Comedy Central, So you're supposed to
roast each other on the days, we're supposed to really
go after people. So like Ed Norton was on the days,
and I said, hey, Ed Norton's here. Of course, back
in the day Ed Norton ran around with Courtney Love.
I should say that a little more respectfully. Ed Norton
has aids it was the biggest laugh of the entire night.
(01:00:25):
I promise you all humility is uh incorporated. And then later,
like ten minutes later, my I set this call back
when I finally got to Bruce. Uh. Bruce is a
very private guy. I've known him a long time. We've
done several movies together. I've seen him in his private life,
and there's some certain things that nobody knows about, one
(01:00:46):
of which I should share uh Ed Norton gave Bruce aids.
Isn't it weird that both of those jokes did not. Anyways,
little levity for my my crew that I love so much,
including Mark Gagliardi. Thanks for having me. This is always
a blast. I hope to see you very soon. Joey Greers,
(01:01:07):
same to you, pleasure, Thank you for having man. Please
stay healthy. And James, you're gonna miss you for the
next couple of weeks. Please let us know when you come.
It's a shame about James, guy, shame about jam All right,
that's it for today. Let's thank our producer and engineer
of the Stars, Mr Doug Baine. Find folks that I
(01:01:28):
heart media Famy host Kevin Pollock reminding you we can
beat this damn thing if everyone wears a mask every
single time to leave their house. That's it. That's all
you gotta do, all right, Love you all, Please be
safe and healthy out there. Until next time. Hi,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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