August 20, 2019 • 56 mins
Dog-Walkers Chill In Owner’s Home; Faculty Attempts Cow Removal After Senior Prank; Kids Try To Save Ice Cream Shop.Dog-Walkers are discovered hangin’ out in the dog-owner’s home… Administrators argue how to get a cow down some stairs after the senior prank left it in a loft over the gym… Children must raise 250k to save their favorite ice cream shop from demolition…
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy this I'm your host,
Kevin Bolli. Yes, that Kevin plea. You see, Kenny, once
you get the fish in the book, you take the
hook out of its mouth and release it back in
the door. Yes, yes, that's right, same thing your mom
did with me, and that's what divorces you see. Okay,
but I digress. Let's meet our alchemists of no particular orders?
(00:24):
Shall we please welcome returning Life Jeopardy winner Mark Gagliard.
Hello on your market set, but don't go. What was
a defining moment for you in high school? Uh? The
first time that I put on tights to play the
court jester in our Madrigal Dinners and went not bad. Yeah,
(00:45):
magical dinners, Madrigal dinner. Magical. I don't know what that
is al Madrigal Dinners. Yeah. So was it the feeling
of the tights or being in front of an audience?
It was it was the feeling I've been in front
of an audience that I was five. It was the
feeling of the tights right now, baby. But I had
to get two pairs and sew them together because I
(01:06):
had to have two different colored legs as the jester,
So I spend so much of my time now sewing tights.
You guys have no idea. Well, God bless you and
your family. Next sup it's a defending champion of the
two thousand and eighteen Best seventies porn stash sash, Mr James,
he needs thank you, thank you? Just send James. Uh.
(01:27):
Do you understand that the facial transplant medical procedure in
the film Face Off isn't really a thing? I don't
think you understand that it really is a thing. I've
met people that have had face transplants. I absolutely have.
It doesn't work the same exact way. Is it possible
they were just two faced? Help me? Welcome back, gig.
(01:56):
This is our own face off cow. Do you agree
if my penis found its way into your bottom, but
neither one of us smiled or moved around the technically,
neither of us is gay. It's just my penis is
in your bottom? Do I agree? Yeah? I think there's
a lot more context that it's less but gets luck
(02:21):
finding your car if you think at least everyone repeat
after me. Hello, my name is Joemy glee You're My
name is Joemy Gleimer. Joemy, what was your inner monologue
thinking the very first time you kissed a girl? Um,
don't throw up? So your inner monologue had your back.
(02:46):
That's very sweet. All right, let's get to our first
name Hill. All of today's scene suggestions or gathered from
our listener emails. If you'd like to submit yours, please
do it right to us at your name here at
alchemy this dot com. Your name here at alchemy this
dot com. I first scene today comes from Annie, who wrote, Hey, Alchemists,
I just moved to a news sitting and working as
a dog walker, so I'm giving access to many apartments
(03:09):
throughout the day. Sometimes I need to use the restroom
where we fill my water bottle, and it feels weird
doing so in my client's apartments, especially since in some
cases I have never met the human owners of the
dogs that I walk. I would love to hear a
scene about a dog walker who uses an apartments amenities.
I love the show and listen while I walk. Thanks, Anne,
(03:33):
I'm sorry, what are you doing here? Uh? We uh?
We were dog walkers. We we walk your dog typically
well on Tuesdays? Were the ones that walk your dogs? Yeah?
I was looking at the app and uh it said
that you finished your walk two hours ago, stave her?
Were these men? Oh I'm sorry, I'm sorry. We walk
(03:54):
your dog our dogs. Yes, yes, these are the men
who walk our dogs. But you know what, these men
quit what they were finished walking our dogs over? Why
are all of our PlayStation games all over the floor,
It's just that the air conditioning. We want to make
sure your games. Is that one of our pararea's whose
(04:15):
peria isn't isn't a pararea anybody's? Whoever? It's our That
is our fridge. That means that's our food inside. The
company is so giving? How long have you been here
imaging through our apartment? Two hours? We walk your dogs
every tuesday? Will we do it for Claire? Claire usually
walks it, but on Tuesdays she's got to day class.
(04:38):
Wait wait wait wait wait, can shut the funk up? Wait,
shut then up? Calm down. Rick's two strikes. Guys, Please
don't call the cops. You call cops, I'll kill myself.
Whoa Rick? Alright? No? That okay, alright, alright, I'm not
calling the cops. Alright, this is christ he needs another period?
(04:59):
Can you give me one? Please? Yeah? Sure, I will
go and get you another perier from our fridge. My emergency.
Holy shit, are you calling the cop? Can you hear
them in the back? Oh, my fucking god, that's it.
I'm jumping. I'm jumping. This is it's a one story.
(05:19):
It's just gonna hurt your leg. Okay, yes, ship ship, Yeah,
it's it's one flight. Now. We have a man with
a broken leg. Can you send someone please? Okay one
of the intruders. Well, well i'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.
You can have the phone because I'm not an intruder.
I'm leaving now. You stay here. The police are on
their way. Okay, Well take his picture quick, I got it.
(05:42):
Don't don't take a picture of my face. We have
a picture of you. So you're staying and you're facing charges.
And I hope your friend is okay. I hope he's
okay too. I don't know why. What did he think
was going to have? How is that a threat? By
the way, I don't I'm going to jump off your
first floor shelf if you don't shut up. Yeah, I
hope you can crawl away fast enough. Listen, guys, I've
(06:02):
never been arrested hit. Did you maybe think about that
before you broke open and decided to watch some honey, honey,
can we just give one Chief? We just got a call.
It looks like there's some breaking entry. You have some
dog walkers so over on Wilson Park. God damn tug walkers.
They're the worst. They're the worst. They're the worst. They
(06:23):
think they can use your apartment without compunction. I started,
Do you want me to get you your shirt or
you just wanna be shirtless? Maybe shirtless today? You gotta
shirtless two days? You know what? It It is? All right?
I want to handle this one myself. Are you shut? Yeah?
You get me a ride over there? Of course I will.
Should I bring out the shotgun as you like to
call it, Yeah, bring out the shotgun. Thank god you're here.
(06:51):
Thank you. I'm Reginald. This is Tim, Tim, I'm Chief.
I'm just Chief. Can you let me know, uh what
what's been going on? Yes? They were, they were walking
our dog. We they have They know that the key
is in the little hid To keybox. They came in,
they walked our dog and then for the next apparent
two hours they sat and drank our our sodas and
(07:14):
played our video games. This is your dog's bowl here typically, yes,
this is our dog's bowl here, this is well, this
is one of our dog's bowls. Chief. I don't mean
to be rude. Would you like a robe or something? No,
I'm good, okay, I'm good. Shirtless Tuesday and well, I
mean if you find that body, i'd go shirt let's do.
But excuse me. No, I'm saying if either one of
(07:34):
us had that body, would you not? I mean let
everyone know You're not wrong. I mean the Chief is built.
I'm in good shape for a man. Can I get
how something? Can I ask you? How old you are? Chief?
Kind of a Harrison Ford thing going on years old?
Oh my god, I mean really two you two idiots.
On the other hand, we walk like garbage. We walk
(07:57):
your dog. No, Claire walks our dog. Putting on on Tuesday.
And Rick's leg is spent. It's like broken for sure
because he jumped off our first floor, Jack temp temple. Chief,
would you please do something alright? So which the leg
is broken? This leg here, I'm standing up talk walk okay,
(08:25):
then this leg is fine. He's just putting slight pressure.
It was okay. Do you walk the dogs? You feed
them as well? We usually just walk the dogs, but
I'll fill a bowl of water. I don't. I don't
feel because we don't know. Maybe some dogs graze during
the day and some dogs could feed at certain times
(08:45):
sometimes like the graze. What's what's your rate? Typically? You answered,
we split it fifteen per hour? Is that per walk
or per hour? I'm sorry? Are you just are you
just need a dog walker? That's what I thought was happening.
These are very police like questions. No, these are just
(09:08):
these always thinking questions that someone would ask. Yell. But again,
still if I had that chest that as a right
I got. I don't use you. I'm an older man.
What do you like? I like to meet people in
person and ask the questions when next door? What the
app next doors? About? Neighborhoods and people look after each other. Yeah, look, Tim,
(09:30):
Tim is registered, by the way, under Gladys Kravitz, which
I thought was very clever. I'm look, I'm a big
fan of Lenny Kravitz and the Pips and Bewitched and Bewitched.
That's wait, that's a bit witch thing. The neighbor that
was always nipping. Okay, I'm gonna take these purps. Oh,
(09:53):
I like that word. Purps, uh, perps. I need to
get a run. First of all, I get dropped off.
We're dog walkers. We don't have a Okay, can you
call one of those red sharing services Uber Lift. I'm
an Uber driver, you're not. I can do it. I
(10:14):
can do it. I can do it. H Okay, Well,
I'm gonna need you to get me right back to
the station and uh and then uh, actually we're gonna
we're gonna make a step in my place. Okay. I
want to introduce you to my dogs. Okay, okay, okay,
this is Franklin. All right. I just don't think that
we should be were going into your place right now.
(10:36):
This is Benjamin. Okay, it's just usually usually we we
go through the apps. There's a protection for both of us. Okay,
we're not going through the Apple right, You're gonna deal
directly with me. They're they're both wearing three piece suits.
They are both wearing three piece suits. Okay, so well,
(10:57):
first of all, we're gonna need to say schedule when
we want to come by to walk them. And can
I get your bathroom? Yeah? Sure, sure, sure, you're gonna
have to get bath bends again in Franklin. My prettiest.
(11:27):
Does that mean? Does that mean like being a dog walking? Now?
I'm not a big fan of it. I really have
a chief chief. We just keep getting these reports and
these boys being found all over the city getting eating
up by these feral dogs. Really, yeah, that's curious. Send
somebody down to look into it. But don't look into
it too. Do you wanna wanna grab some pants or something,
(11:49):
or it's pantless wednesdays? Yes, it is all right, Yeah,
I'll just send one of the boys down there to
take a look at it, one of the rookies, that's right,
send it to all right, you know? Um, okay, So
I guess you just just gotta get a statement from from you.
This body. It was just thrown up on the sidewalk
(12:10):
in front of our house, and it's pretty much picked
clean to the bone. You can see as well as
we can clearly clearly a dog has been man. You
I just I just did you find anything on the
location that might lead to us you know whose dog
this might be? There was a small note. There was
a note. What what did this small note say? What
(12:33):
did what did it say? It just had a paw
print on it. It could have been a piece of
paper that got stuck to the dogs for a note
from the dog. Well, I don't believe dogs can write,
but I might be mistaken, but it was a piece
of paper that was clearly with the pall print to
the bottom. I believe it was the message to the
police that was mocking the I hate it when people
(12:55):
mocked the police. We're not mocking the police. What did
you say that it was mocking the books was a thrill.
It was mocking the police. Come give me. Oh well,
I hadn't put that together. This is the first thing
that my while was the first time I've understood that.
I'm taking this back to the chief right now. Hey Chief,
(13:16):
that microphone, kid, I'm saying, do you mind if I
moved this microphone? This room is so bugged, like my
My whole office is word for sound. Chief. I found
something out that I wanted to bring straight to you
and to no one else, because I know you're the
only one that can be trusted here. Um. This note
was found at the scene where one of the dog
victims was discovered. It's a pop print, and the couple
(13:42):
seem to think that it was these dogs mocking the police.
The police. The police mock the police, Yes, sir, the
rap songs. I took me a second in my head
to remember it just right. But what do we need
to do, sir? I'm not sure what we're gonna do.
We got to find these dogs. What's my name is Riley? Riley?
(14:04):
First name, my last name both Riley Riley different? Yeah right,
L y R L E Y like that. We're gonna
sweep this one under the rug, sir, Are you sure?
I mean, look what this pop print says. It's mocking us,
you know. Uh, We're gonna file this one away in
(14:24):
this file, right, that's a trash cancer. It's a circular file. Okay,
look at look at my body, sir. I would like
to report a crime, so uh, and I want to
do it somewhere safe because it's it involves pretty high profile,
(14:45):
high powerful people. Okay, So could I could? I is
there like a room that I could do outside of
the front office of the station when we do it
in my car? In your car? Okay, that seems a
little odd, so want to it's okay, thank you. Can
you turn on the air conditioning or anything or just
sit in this hot car? Yeah? We can turn the okay,
(15:08):
So I'm a dog walker. What song? Is this? Just
classical music? Yeah? But the artist probably a group of
just music like probably maybe the l A. Phil The
artist can be like the band you know what I
(15:28):
mean that you know, but it's let's see who is this?
So what do you want to say? Well, I'm I
sometimes I cover for a friend doing dog Walker and
and my my friend Luke was killed to heart Sounds. Huh,
that's who it is, the heart Sounds, That's who it was.
My friend Luke was killed by the chief of police
(15:51):
dog What are you saying, I'm saying the chief of
police Larry. So you're telling me that you want me
to go to Iced Tea and ask him to change
the name of its new song from kill the Police
to mock the Police. Yeah, that's right. So what what
are my what are my angles here of convincing someone
who's come up with such a dare I say iconic
(16:14):
song title to undermining it with mock the Police? Well,
it's really only changing two letters, and if all the
F words can be changed to mock, then I think
that that will help. This is you're sure this is
Ice t It might be Ice Tray. Uh sure, Ice
(16:37):
tre iced t Ice Tray. Yeah, um, yeah, because I
asked you to look into this exactly. So all does
you guys having a producer meeting with Emmy? Oh sorry Larry, Yeah, okay,
it's like, what's going on? I was just talking to
the guys at n w A. Yeah, you're telling the
guys in n w A. Yeah, what do they have
to do with this? What do you mean we're just
having a producer's meeting. I just want to come and
see what's going on. Well, we're talking about changing orks
(17:00):
or something like that. This Larry had an idea that
we changed the name of does it kill the police
or fun the police? I can't even say it? Okay,
but he wants to change either. Wait, Larry, what are
you talking about Larry to mock the police? Yes, Larry, yes, yes, yes,
I'm Larry. That's right. Yes, we're all larryous. Yes. Why
do you do this every time? Larry? Larry's here? Represent
(17:23):
Mr teh? Why are you here? Mr T? From Mr T.
Well he's starting to do this. Yeah, he's not a musician,
you will. He's trying to get into it. We don't
give a ship if he's trying to get what about
I pity the police. That's usually Mr. Yes, I pay
the police. That's yeah, that'll work because because because that's
(17:45):
kind of angry to me, that's sending passive aggress I'm
gonna go back to my guy and pitch it to
him and see if it works out. Well, this sounds great.
And who is your guy again? Mr? T Lawencero? Right now? Uh, Larry,
who who are these guys in your office? Chief? Chief?
(18:09):
I found something that I really have to show you
right away. It's the color from one of those dogs
that's been eating all the people, and it's got your
phone number on the back of his collar. Oh, it's
like a Sicilian message. Do you wait a minute. I
thought people put their own phone numbers on the back
of a dog's collar. You think you put your number
(18:29):
as as a warning to you. I guess I'm a target. Hey, Riley,
do you wand if you talk to look, the chief
is involved in a lot of a lot of pies,
if you know what I mean. Yeah, I know there's
a bunch of record producers in his office. Yeah, he's
got a lot of toes and a lot of pies.
So I need you to understand that this is a
little bigger than what you got going on? All right?
What are you fifteen sixteen? I'm twenty six? Okay, well
(18:51):
you look yet. Thank you. If you get involved in
this big fish, you're gonna get eating up. You get
what I mean? I don't. Okay, we're talking to me music.
You understand that same songs? Do you understand sing song? No?
I don't understand anything you're saying. When a guy plays
the piano and notes come out, I mean I understand
how piano works. I don't think you understand what I'm saying.
(19:13):
I really don't know how more clear I can be.
Could you just tell me what you're trying to say?
When music comes out, money gets made? Serge? How does
this have anything to do with the Chief? Tune in
next Wednesday to The Rookie and the Chief. Friday's at
Night that makes sense, See Nights See the Chief is
(19:36):
just all over the past toes and pies. This second
tunes from Jackson Spelled j A x O N, who
wrote Love the Show. At my high school, there's talk
of a senior prank where someone walks a cow upstairs
into the mezzanine above the gym where the workout equipment
(19:58):
is because cows can only walk upstairs and not down.
I would love to see what your guys come up
with and how I would be handled by the school administration.
Thank you and keep up the good work, Jackson. All right,
but we just have to kill the cow. I don't
feel comfortable killing a cow. Well, you can't walk down
the stairs. Well, perhaps maybe we could put it to
(20:21):
sleep and maybe well what if we pushed it out
a window? So you kill it either way? No, no, no,
there's it's only two stories. Are you saying we should
make it look like a cow suicide? No? No, no, no,
how must push it out the window? Conspiracy to kill
a little heal? We'll put a clearly, we put a
(20:45):
pig una. That cow's gonna crush both animals. We need
one of those lifts, you know, the thing, the crane,
the lift with the under eating Gilberg grape. Remember when
they did that with his mom, Take his mom out
of that house. That's how we take this because we
just had like a big pillow type thing that people
would like, a like a moon moon jumper at the bottom.
(21:05):
Principal calliards. I hate to be a nudge, but the
students are going to be arriving to school in about
fifteen minutes. We're going to have to deal with this
very quickly. I'm just saying, sir, I'm just I'm just look,
I'm just your secretary. I'm just saying, I understanding assuments.
You're gonna be here first, Bell is about to rank. Yes, okay,
Well because my gym. Okay, so I need to use
(21:26):
my gym. It's not your gym, this is the school's gym.
You take this as if you're some sort of pirate
on a ship, and we discuss who we think might
have been involved the seniors. Could we be more general students.
I'll tell you who did it, all right? It was Marionetti, Nettie,
it was Jason Marinetti. That piece of fucking ship. You've
got something from Marionett. No, I don't okay? That the kid.
(21:48):
He didn't want to go on, administrator, Jason? What are
you doing here so early? I thought I would use
the workout room before class get started. Workout room for
student athletes only. And you don't play for the team anymore,
do you, Marionetti? All right? So I got cut from
the little crosse team, but I was on the team
(22:09):
or what's going on? We got a cow? He you
know there's a cow up here, Marit do you put
it up here? Well, why can't the cow just walk
down the stairs and you Irish piece of ship? You
know exactly what you did. Hey, don't disparage my Irish heritage, okay,
and cows can't walk downstairs that piece of information to
(22:30):
see if he did the thing in the first place.
You just defulged some serious You don't understand how detective
work for. I'm not a detective, I'm a secretary. Kill
the damn thing. Huh. We're not killing a cow on
my school grounds. Sorry, I said our school grounds, Thank you,
Marionettie got damn it. We stopped working out, Stop working out,
(22:51):
ma working on my traps, all right. St Patty's days
coming up. It's big for my people, all right. Welcome
to the tryouts, is it, Marionetti? Yeah, yeah, Marinetti. So.
Um someone, Jason, pleasure to meet you. Um. We were
told that you wanted to audition for one of the
(23:11):
leads in our production or summer production of the sweat
Hogs from the Gabe Kaplan television show, and you wanted
to read for Vinnie Barbarino. Yeah, if it's possible at all, Well,
I see it now. Okay, Well start on page three
whenever you're ready, and uh, let's let's have fun with this. Hey,
Mr Kato up in nose with a rebel hose. Okay,
(23:33):
can I give you a note? Yeah please? Okay, So
Vinnie Barbarino is a little more subtle than that. He is,
of course from Italian family. Oh okay, yeah right all right.
So so so this is like I'm like, you know,
crossing over some sort of cultural things because I'm very Irish,
clearly clearly, if I may, you reek literally reek of potatoes.
(23:59):
So let's try this again with more of an Italian
family background. Okay, help your nose with a rubber holes.
Mr Calt Okay, one more note, if I may rob
for cabin accent thing. I feel we've swung a little
too far. Okay, took a big swing. Let's come back
(24:20):
to the Mr Shaffer. I'm starting to rupt the audition,
Mr Shaffer, but we have some news from your from
your family. Um, but it's not good. What do you
mean because it's at your house, sir? Who sounds like
somebody got pranked? Oh no, there's some kind of dog
walker or Something'm not sure you'll pick this up tomorrow,
Mr Marinetti. Okay, I'll look at the sides in the hall.
(24:41):
I'll be off book by tomorrow. I mean, are you
looking at you think for your show that you dish
the fun tomorrow? Do you want not to help you
go over your line? Yeah, there's so many lines to learn.
It's real hard. But look, you're a good Irish boys,
so you're gonna learn real good. Let me take a
look at your script with you. Okay. You gotta sing
(25:03):
in it too, Yeah, I gotta. It's a some production
called The Sweat High. I love that, and look at
all the songs and all this. Okay, I'll go over
your lines with you right right, gonna get your black
and Tamna yeah, and my Irish Yeah? What is going on? Yuh, well,
there's going on. There's no sure need look at this.
(25:26):
Our boys gonna be on Broadway. He's not gonna be
on your way broad It's a school production. The Marinetties.
They don't act, they work or you understand what I'm saying.
You gotta let me do this. I don't gotta let
you do it or nothing? Yous gotta be the guys
that goes out there and works. You understand that your
old families works in the farms US. It does the same.
Oh you and your Irish old country ways. How we
(25:49):
survived this house. We've made it there. Look, I'll tell
you I'm gonna be in this class play and I'm
also gonna sign up for those disco dancing lessons. The
Sons of a Beati beat your ass. If you do that,
I'm gonna take your face off. Why don't we just
see if we can get the students to think it's
a project and they'll decide how to get the cow down.
(26:10):
This is a feral animal. It's not a feral animal.
It's a cow. Pet. Ferrell, I I believe, means you know,
dangerous and wild, dangerous Ferrell just you know, not a pet,
not domestic. That's what ferrell means to me, and I
mean to you it's a definition. It's not it's not
(26:33):
what it means to me. I came as fast as
I could. I heard you wanted to make a project
out of this. I brought paint. We can Jesus the
whole cow. They're gonna paint the cow as students it's
gonna be our art projects. This is the gym. It
ain't in our class. Get out of here. Man. What
we're going to do is we're gonna try to make
it a science project. Get all the super smart kids
(26:55):
and they'll solve our problem for us. How to get
the cow out of the gym? Running as fast as
I could, I hurt. You wanted to make it a
science project? How do we cut this thing in a
cross sections? Well, we don't want to kill it. That
we don't want to kill this is something stop. Stop now,
(27:15):
you will not be able to get the corow out
of this place. Well, push those classes up your nose
up to high up. Okay, so the mascot here what
you want? Well, underneath that mascot is one of the
smartest teenagers in this school. Thank you. You'll have to
lift the cow out the window. That's what I was thinking.
(27:35):
Lifted out the window. That's so stupid. Push the cow
out the window. Let's just kill it and then we
can eat it. All right, fine, let me say goodbye.
How would you propose we killed the cow? Well, there's
weights around here. We can all just take turns smacking
in the head absolutely and taking turns. Yes, I mean
(27:59):
I'm not to hear the head. Listen. I I've hired
some people in the dark Web in the past, and
I think that is the idea that eventually one of
these smacks to the head. We're not doing it. Yes, yes, Look,
I'm trying to get built up because I got this
for the sweat. All right, So you've returned to the
(28:23):
dark web. Yeah, I've I've got another another job for
you the dark web, except jobs when the dark web
knows what the job is. Well, we've got a cow
in the gymnasium of our school, and I'm willing to
pay one quarter bitcoin to have this cow. One quarter bitcoin.
(28:44):
Do you know how much that's worth. It depends on
the day, but I would say roughly two dollars. Not
nearly enough to move a cow. It's a cow. Some
people would kill a cow for free. I've got people
wanting to smack it in the head with weights back
at the school. And why did you come to the
dark Web Because I need it right like you did before.
We don't talk about what happened in the past the
(29:05):
dark web. When he talks about the let me just
transferred to me. I'm sorry, interrupted you want the grilled
cheese and tomato soup. Honey, I'm working right now. Oh,
who's the background on your don't you worry about it? Okay,
it sounded like somebody was offering grilled cheese. That sounds
like the meal for a child, just my husband. You're
a woman, of course, of course, of course, So how
(29:30):
soon can you offer cow in a gymnasium at your
local high school. You didn't say you wanted to cow off,
You said you wanted to cow remove anything you can do,
if if you can keep it alive, I'm fine with that,
but I'm gonna need to get you. You're gonna have
to come to the principal's office and get a name
tech and be registered in. It's gonna have to be
by the books, not the Dark Web does not use
(29:52):
the books. The Dark Web uses the Dark books. Okay, okay,
well used the Dark books. I just never just with
thought of acting like that. That's actually pretty insightful. Yeah,
I mean, it's just about being the character, you know,
and convince you yourself that it's real, and then you know,
it's basically listening to reacting you know. Yeah, I guess
(30:14):
something I haven't been doing I guess I've been reacting
to that listening man, you gotta do both? Yeah, huh wow,
that's uh god, damn this beautiful. You know, I want
to apologize for constantly making uh fun of your Irish
heritage and calling it out. I've been picked on Latin
school because I'm so Irish, you know. Yeah, obviously it's
(30:34):
it's very obvious. But can I run my audition song
by you? Yeah? Whatnot? Oh? Danny boy? The pipes, the
pipes a cod is that it? Yeah? I'm just doing
two boys. Very good. That's for two bars of a
contemporary songs. Great, that's fantastic. Uh. You know, I kind
(30:56):
of scholarship opportunity if you want to look at it.
It's for yeah to play la cross over at Stemple University.
It's funny. I've played lacrosse in two years and suddenly
you got a scholarship for me. Yeah. Look, I'm gonna
acting now. This is what I am. Okay, you just
(31:21):
gotta great traps on you, and I just thought they
would go waste on stage. And I work a lot
of my traps. I don't build any other muscles. Hey,
do you for connecting all that? Do you do you know,
but they come up here honestly, don't come on, No,
I have nothing to come on. Come on, come on,
you can tell me with a rubber holes. You know
(31:44):
exactly who did it? All? Right? Oh wow, well your
two colors are showing now, showing right now? Okay, So
you didn't care about my acting career at all? Was that?
Was that a cross scholarship? Not Legit seems pretty heated.
I've got a new student to introduce and he's going
to be here working out in the gymnasium. I'm a
(32:05):
child student and it's probably a good idea to me.
But then is wrong with this kid? You know it's
from the dark Well, it's from the dark web. I
told you not to talk about the dark webt you've
just reached arm. Don't wait, wait, don't go, don't go
right now. Wait wait, I'm going home to my husband. Husband,
(32:29):
we who ruined it? He was going to take care
of the cow for me. Oh, he was gonna be
at the death with the white gave him. You know,
he was going to do it in a clean I
don't know exactly how he said not to ask questions
a quarter bitcoin? Which one are you? Fellow dot talk
to you about getting to the cow. Principle, there's no
way I was on the dark web. Where did you
come from? I got an amassage for that. You wanted
(32:52):
to get a cow removed? Yeah, I do want to
get a cow removed. Where's the cow now? Well, it's
in the gymnasium on this what do my name? In
the gym? Night? It's inside? Who would let a cow
inside of gym naisy? We don't know, Probably seniors. It
was a prank they've been burning. Just opened the doors
of the gymnasium and say, okay, we haven't tried that.
We haven't tried that. Opening gymnasium doors and say scoot,
(33:15):
that's right. Usually were the rumor? Has it that they
can't go down the stairs? You didn't say he was upstairs? Upstairs?
He can't get him down? So are you gonna be
able to do anything? The Science Department of Strap rockets
to the cow. They're gonna try to shoot him out
the window. Okay, principle, they're just making a giant cow bomb.
(33:36):
A cow bomb looks like it. I don't want to
be put on the map as the school that had
a cow bomb go off. Goddamn the mascot right off
the cow. Well, how about this? What if we had
marry and had he and I hate to do this
a student that's changing, but use his strength to beat
this cow into submission with weights and then we feed
(33:57):
him to the students like it's free, It saysn't is
that you meet the cow bum? Yes? I made the
cow bumb? Why would you do? Because the can go downstairs?
So you thought, yeah, that's what what else you gonna do?
You got a cove upstairs in the school? Put the
car bum? I put? Where do you think I put
(34:17):
the cowbu? All right, freed you Cuban piece of ship.
We we need you upstairs. Let's get to that spectacularly.
It's thank goodness. It's two thousand nineteen. Our final scene
(34:38):
for today comes from James from Zealand. Now do we
assume that means New Zealand, No original zeal old old Zealand? Yeah?
What is the Zealand? Forget mignorance? Well it's uh. Our
heads turned to crack. It's the country Zealand. No. I
believe that there's uh like a town to shift a
(34:59):
district in the Netherlands. It's called Zealand to believe where
all of those models came from. Thank you for pinpointing
it for us. I'm going to write okay. James from Zeeland,
who wrote high Alchemist, thanks for all the laughs. My
community to work has become a highlight of my day
(35:20):
every Tuesday and Thursday. One of my favorite scenes was
the Conciergee. I almost choked when Vanessa asked, do you
want a room with beef? Amazing? I have it. It's
great that none of us remember that moment, but just
those words context always. I have a scene suggestion for
(35:41):
a group of neighborhood kids need to find a way
to raise two un fifty dollars or their favorite ice
cream shop will be demolished to make room for an
Amazon distribution center. James from Zeeland, Well, I'm sorry, kids
can have to close up and ask you to get going,
and you can't go. I have two boys I've gotta have.
(36:02):
I gotta start putting things in boxes. What would it
take to keep the place. I'll tell you what it
would take take. Do you help? Why are you crying? Well?
Because I just think you boys are so sweet and
Peter it would take two hundred and fifty thousand dollars
to Does that something that I could take from my
parents wallet in person or something? But gosh, it just
(36:26):
just so sweet? Closing early? Are we? Huh? Diane? Do
you want anything to eat? I'll have a d What
do you want to eat? I'll have a car. I
can't pronounce that. What do you pronounce? It's it's chocolate.
(36:47):
Is that what you'd like? A chocolate cone? A chocolate cone? Yes, drunk.
That woman is un This is the couple that's going
to be taken over this that. We'll put up some
boxes over there for the distribution. We're gonna take down
that wall. We're gonna down that wall. And yes, they
(37:07):
are drunk. Are you are excuse me? Are you Mr? Bezos? Yes?
I am Mr Bezos. We don't want our ice cream
shop to shut down for another stupid Amazon distribution center.
What do you want? I didn't know that, Diana. I
don't know what do you want? We just want this
(37:27):
local ice cream place that we always come to after
the school and we we play magic. I'm sorry I
can't hear you because you're too poor. I don't give
a ship. You can order ice cream seven via Amazon.
It's Amazon, your little ship, okay, okay, okay, Jimmy, Peter.
I appreciate what you boys are trying to do here,
(37:47):
but there's no fighting a jug or not like Amazon.
It's k kids ain't gonna be able to pull that up.
How must time do we have to pull it up? Well,
that's a that's a question for Mr Bezos and his
drunk wife. You had twenty four hours give me now?
(38:12):
All right, we have twenty four hours starting right now.
Let's get that dad. What is the sun? I have
a question by you? Oh sure, Peter? What is it? Mr?
Peterson's ice cream shop is parts begin to close and
that's we can raise some money. So I was wondering
if maybe you and mom might be able to help.
(38:33):
You're always going into your office and writing checks for
things that matter to you, and I've never asked you
to write a checks or anything that matter for me
a moment and you can do that. M hmmm. Did
your did your friend Tim that plays magic the gathering
put you up to this? We discussed it and I
told him I would come to you. Why doesn't he
go to his parents? I think he is? Do you
(38:56):
was it? Could you? Could you wake up for a
second hery to wake you up work the graveyard shift kids.
I know, I know, Mom. Could you wake up to mom? Mom? Dad,
there's hot dogs in the sink. I know I already
ate that dogs. Listen. I know that we don't have
a lot of money, and we we we struggle sometimes.
But the ice cream shop that I like to go
(39:17):
to is closing down. Dad, Wake back up, Dad, So
we were trying to raise two d and fifty dollars.
Jesus Christ, I wouldn't wake you, but we've only got
twenty four hours, and I was wondering. There's there's a
cold stone across the street from the ice cream. That
place is so corporate. We want a mom and pop.
It's not good. They don't have thin mint cookie dough.
(39:42):
They do, they don't. They don't have thin mint cookie dough.
They'd either have thin mint or they have cookie dough. Mom, Dad,
I'm serious. You guys don't ever care about the things
that it got to have it. Listen. I hope things
are going a lot better with my friend Peter that son.
(40:04):
I just don't think that. I don't think I can
write a check that big. I mean, you could use
the same time check side they always write no, I
mean for that amount of money, Peter, that seems like
a lot of money. But it's the only way that
Peterson's ice Cream stay open. There's a cycle in the
business world, and it's a boom and bus like a
(40:24):
bicycle sort of. Yeah, but and this bicycle is going
off a cliff. The bicycle that this this ice cream
parlor is. Peterson's ice cream parlor is not a bicycle
ice cream parlor. And I only need and you have it.
I know you have it. How do you know that
I have? I know? Do you know about my secret safe?
(40:46):
Can I tell you what the combination is? Can you
tell me what the combination is? Around three times the
right to seven, around two times with the left eight,
around two times of the left to two. All right,
so I know it's inside the alright. So rather than
going any stealing, I'm asking Diane, Diane, I love you, Jeff,
(41:10):
I love you, baby. This is so good. What did
you just says chocolate. I can't get enough of this.
Give her some more chocolate. Alright, We're gonna buy this
whole town, baby, We're going out on this town. I'm
gonna own the town. I'm gonna the town, Peter, I
(41:32):
didn't kill anything. I didn't. My parents just told me
to to go to cold Stone. It's okay, you didn't. Well,
look who it is, the two nerd boys. So Tim, Peter,
I'm just saying goodbye on my last day. When you've
gotten that bag. Nerd boys, it's a check check. It's
a huge bag just for a little check. Uh my backpack,
(41:57):
Oh it is it is a piece of paper. Huh
oh wait, I don't that's He'll write another check the
same amount. What a dork. We don't have much time, Peter,
who have seventeen son? What are you doing interrupting me
at work? I've got very important things to do here.
(42:17):
Talking a hold on a second, My son's here ice
cream plays a big check, so have you can just
read another check? Like, hey, hey, this is my son, Peter.
Just I'll tell you what you know the combination run
just run home, get it in cash, and if he
gives you any lip, there's something in there to handle
(42:39):
that too. Okay, alright, so like, uh, we're back to it.
I mean we're talking about feet size here, all right,
that's a lot of cash to have, Peter, Are you
sure he's not gonna steal that money from you. He
can rip up a check. But if he takes that cash,
then what do we do choice We don't have thirteen
more hours there. Okay, well let's go. What are you
(43:00):
gonna do to protect yourself? Well, my dad said I
could also use the gun. That was well, well, well, looky,
looky talky bookie. Huh hey, listen, we don't have anything
this time. You've already ripped up the one piece of
paper that matters. Oh yeah, looks like you got a
tiny of your backpack there with a lot of stuff
spilling out of it. Well, that's one thing right here
that's gonna spill out of it. It's called a clock.
(43:21):
Oh my god, it's a nine millimeter right, How could
you tell? What? What the millimeter? The barrel? What about
the caliber? I don't know. Okay, so it's loaded with
nine millimeter things and I'm gonna shoot him? Oh my god, yeah, exactly,
So back off now, okay, all right, okay, now run
(43:42):
the other way? Did you get more Italian? Run the
other way? You did it? You did it. That was amazing.
I didn't think I could do it. I acted all
tough like in the movies. Are doing. I had to
defender money. We have it all. If we could just count,
we have thirteen hours left to count. So if you
(44:04):
count this portion and then I'll kind another, it's two.
You brought two hundred. My god, my dad has over
three million dollars in cash in the safe. Wait what
the combination is? So baby, if you want to see
Mr T, I got it. Whatever you want, I freaking
love Mr Te. Get the fuck out of my establishment.
(44:25):
What the hell here? It's all here. Mr Bezos decide
this briefcase two hundred and fifty thousand dollars in cash,
and then I count that? Does this mean I'm not
gonna get to see Mr T. You're gonna get to
see Mr Ta. Don't worry about that. I doubt there's
two hundred fifty thou dollars in that briefcase. Oh really, well,
(44:47):
Tim Peter, come on in boys, they Mr Peters and yeah,
that's right. We stacked it and counted it three times
ten hours. It took well twelve hours and fifty nine minutes.
We had this one minute left to come. I can
get this business, okay. So one, I don't know if
we can trust. We don't have time for another. She's
(45:08):
very drunk, she's fine. How many bells are in this
How many bells? How many bells are in this bowls
or bells? Hunt bills in that stack? And there are
ten stacks. Okay, I guess it's all here. Okay. It
looks like my lady says it's good to go. I
(45:29):
trust her. I'm Jeff Bezos. It looks like you get
to keep your ice cream stand. But one thing you
didn't think about was the land. So right, rent, you're
gonna have to rent for me, and rent just increased
to Yes. In a second, rent, just increased to it. Okay,
(45:56):
all right, we'll be back, okay to tell you the amount. Okay,
just give us a second. Come on, what do you
want to what do you want to close? Can I
get a birthday cake remix? Birthday cake remix? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, sure, Hi,
welcome to coach, don't happen? Yes? Oh my goodness, I
want to go. Yes, him and yours girlfriend. That's right,
I'm instillly recognizable. Can I have a gotta have a
(46:17):
birthday cake remix? Of course you gotta have. I don't
know if we need to gotta have it. That's the
biggest size you got. What's what's the one? What's the
one before that? I'm not a love it? What the
smallest size? The one that's like it? Like it like?
We just don't like it of the birthday cake? Whatever
you We just had a lot of ice creams, so
Mr Bezos, they didn't treat you very well at the
(46:40):
corporate ice cream play my stomach. I'll tell you what.
Here it are lovely little local ice cream parlor. We'll
take good care of you, get you whatever you like.
You know what, I'll even mix in any flavors you want.
It'll taste just like one of those birthday cakes. We
just want you to feel at home here in our
(47:01):
locally owned business. I'm aprecyure that, but she seems pretty sick.
I do more stuff. I like this Guy's making me
feel better. You like this guy? Do you want this guy?
I want this guy? All right, Well, we're gonna take
you to go. But Mr Peterson, boys, I'm not gonna lie.
I thought I was convincing him and it has backfired.
Where does it mean you're going? What are you taking him?
(47:22):
Every morning? When I wake up? I want Mr Pearson
making me ice cream? Just by Jeff Bezos. Look, I'm
gonna allow these kids to run the shop, really, if
that's all right, So the Peterson's ice cream gets to stay.
I just have to serve as man servant to your drunk,
chocoholic wife. You don't talk to her like that, Okay,
(47:43):
you just make those chuckos for her in the a
M You got that, yes, sir, Mr Bezos, all right,
Mr Pearson, don't go, boys. I don't know if you're
ready to run up boys. Look at you. You you
managed to get two hundred and fifty thousand dollars from
your father and and fight off a bully with a glock,
(48:04):
and and you you you kept you kept your parents
awake for several minutes. Yeah, and eat hot dogs out
of the sink. And you ate hot dogs out of
the sink. I think you boys are ready for that?
Sounds good? I want some of those. Yeah. I ordered
that about two like two hours ago or some of
that was It was a birthday cake, ice cream cake
to go. Do you get that? You two little dumb kids?
(48:25):
Or what's up, sir? So there's no reason for that
sort of What was going on here looks like a
two kids running the show here I want an ice cream, Kike,
I ordered it on mine. It's over there. Get one
you want to get from from the cooler over there?
Is what I think? Okay, well it's a custom writing.
You know what fun this? I'm going to cold Pete Peter,
you used to used to protectant working customers. They're always
(48:47):
getting angry. Well it's because I don't know. All right,
all right, you know what? This time, I'm going to
be authoritative you okay, alright? If you ever get enough
foreto um no, I'd like I'll just stay on triple school? Uh?
What what would you like on your first vanilla? On
the first second group? Would you like some samples? Did
(49:10):
you want to sample something? Would like to sample? Would
you like greer cake that's a specialized cream of the
gear cake? Okay? Sample? What do you think of that? Mm?
People say it tastes a bit cummy? Is it coming?
(49:33):
I don't know what you mean. We don't either, that's
what they say. We don't know what it means. But
that's a flavor, apparently. Can you just make all three vanilla? Sure?
You like a triple vanilla on a sugar cone or
rad mm? It's the authority po sir, you'd like a
(49:57):
sugar cone. Ye, it's five dollars and sixty cents. Okay,
you're authoritative. Yeah, that's a ten dollar bill. You don't
want to change, you know what? Keeping boys keep them?
All right? Good luck, sir, let's taste. Excuse me, and
(50:18):
I'm looking for a birthday cake for my mom already?
What it's Oh my god, I kissed them. You want
a birthday cake for your mom? Yeah? If you can
make it out of MIT chocolate chip, you know, more Irish? Yeah,
more Irish? Okay, Mit chocolate your birthday cake? We can
(50:39):
do that. You like something written on it? Yeah? What's
a message to your ma? To my I love you?
We're Irish. You want to remind your mom that you're
she's Irish? Yeah? I want to do it through a cake?
All right. You do gay wedding cakes too, of course
we do. Okay, that's good. Just testy. What did you
(50:59):
want in the kid? A couple of fellas? No, I
don't want to. I'm just I'm testing you. I just
want to see you up to date in twin nineteen? Okay? Cool?
When do you want the cake to? The ice cream?
Birthday cake? Ideally? Right, now, right now, ideally right now,
do we have a man chocole chip cake? I mean yeah,
we have enough men chocolate chipping it. We'll just put it.
(51:20):
I gotta get out of here. I got a date.
There's a falling stage student from Australia. Okay, we got this.
You're right on the cake. Okay, and I love you, mam.
I've already got the first time. I've just now exclamation
point dot. Okay, did you get the cake for your mother? Yes?
(51:41):
I did. That is beautiful. You're Australian. Next, it's so beautiful, Sandy.
Thank you, Jason, thank you for inviting me to have
your mother's cake with her on our birthday. Uh. I
know that you're a good girl. I am a god.
But something tells me that you know you've got a
(52:05):
wild sign and you might be dressing up in leather. Jason,
you do not know what I might be doing. Perhaps
you want to find out at the end of the
day at the school carnival. When I approach you dressed
not like this a woman from Australia who is conservative
but dressed more like at all sexy, long, skinny and
(52:26):
shiny lady with big blonde hair, Okay, we got Mr
t about perform for you all, but it looks like
we've got a cow on the stage. We're not gonna
be able to get him on into the couch removed.
But until then, I just want everyone just to have
some ice cream from from Mr Peterson Peterson's ice Cream
and enjoy the night. Oh that was great, Captain recap
(52:54):
show for today. Uh. First of all, we'd like to
apologize to the Irish people of the world as well
as the Italians. Um, but let's thank you and go
around as we do. Joe mcgleer, Yes, thank you. Mark
Instagram bears every second fourth Wednesday a nine o'clock at
(53:16):
West Common Theater. And Alchemy This live every first Sunday
at nine o'clock of the month, West Common Theater. Okay,
thank you very much for them. And Mark Gagliardi. Hello,
Alchemy this every first Sunday of the month at nine
Haven't you also appeared repeatedly on the Emmy nominated Drunk
(53:38):
History television program I have. I've told many many stories
on Drunk History. My next one will be uh July one,
so uh in two weeks you will hear me talk
about or in the past. You hear me talk about
the Handley Hilton. Yeah, so go to uh Comedy Central
(53:59):
on demand so that you can look up at yeah,
oh nice, nice, nice nice anything else you want to
mention Blend and treasure of course, keep watching. Thank you
for watching Everybody Tuesday nights at ten on CBS. And
when do you go back to work on season two?
Into September? So Excitingkoski at Kikowski on Twitter or at
(54:19):
Craigslist peak cast for podcast stuff or at Orange Tucks
Improv for improv stuff. And congratulations to you as well
in the Drunk History Emmy nomination. Congratulations on you on
you know what, it's not a competition, James Haney of
Haney Well, first and second, the first Sunday of the month,
(54:41):
west Side Comedy Theater, it's alchemy this second and fourth Wednesday.
We've heard of it. Uh and second and fourth Wednesday. Yeah,
so not the third, not the first or the first.
But they're still open, so don't don't be discouraged if
that's the day you're there west Side Comedy dot com
to look up all this stuff, all right, that sounds good. Uh,
let's die our engineer to the Stars, Mr Doug Bain
(55:03):
and our producer of course, Sophie Lichterman, Sophie, production design
genius Raphael britt I heart Media for the auspices, and
thank you and every one of you for writing into
us and with your scene suggestions. Don't forget to tell
everyone you've ever met about the podcast. We appreciate those
(55:24):
of you that have, and of course take the time
to go in write a review. It's ridiculous that it
actually makes a difference, but it does. Write your scene
suggestions to your name here at alcomy this dot com.
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. I'm
your host, Kevin Pollock. You can find me if you
just keep looking until next time. It's a po
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy this I'm your host,
Kevin Bolli. Yes, that Kevin plea. You see, Kenny, once
you get the fish in the book, you take the
hook out of its mouth and release it back in
the door. Yes, yes, that's right, same thing your mom
did with me, and that's what divorces you see. Okay,
but I digress. Let's meet our alchemists of no particular orders?
(00:24):
Shall we please welcome returning Life Jeopardy winner Mark Gagliard.
Hello on your market set, but don't go. What was
a defining moment for you in high school? Uh? The
first time that I put on tights to play the
court jester in our Madrigal Dinners and went not bad. Yeah,
(00:45):
magical dinners, Madrigal dinner. Magical. I don't know what that
is al Madrigal Dinners. Yeah. So was it the feeling
of the tights or being in front of an audience?
It was it was the feeling I've been in front
of an audience that I was five. It was the
feeling of the tights right now, baby. But I had
to get two pairs and sew them together because I
(01:06):
had to have two different colored legs as the jester,
So I spend so much of my time now sewing tights.
You guys have no idea. Well, God bless you and
your family. Next sup it's a defending champion of the
two thousand and eighteen Best seventies porn stash sash, Mr James,
he needs thank you, thank you? Just send James. Uh.
(01:27):
Do you understand that the facial transplant medical procedure in
the film Face Off isn't really a thing? I don't
think you understand that it really is a thing. I've
met people that have had face transplants. I absolutely have.
It doesn't work the same exact way. Is it possible
they were just two faced? Help me? Welcome back, gig.
(01:56):
This is our own face off cow. Do you agree
if my penis found its way into your bottom, but
neither one of us smiled or moved around the technically,
neither of us is gay. It's just my penis is
in your bottom? Do I agree? Yeah? I think there's
a lot more context that it's less but gets luck
(02:21):
finding your car if you think at least everyone repeat
after me. Hello, my name is Joemy glee You're My
name is Joemy Gleimer. Joemy, what was your inner monologue
thinking the very first time you kissed a girl? Um,
don't throw up? So your inner monologue had your back.
(02:46):
That's very sweet. All right, let's get to our first
name Hill. All of today's scene suggestions or gathered from
our listener emails. If you'd like to submit yours, please
do it right to us at your name here at
alchemy this dot com. Your name here at alchemy this
dot com. I first scene today comes from Annie, who wrote, Hey, Alchemists,
I just moved to a news sitting and working as
a dog walker, so I'm giving access to many apartments
(03:09):
throughout the day. Sometimes I need to use the restroom
where we fill my water bottle, and it feels weird
doing so in my client's apartments, especially since in some
cases I have never met the human owners of the
dogs that I walk. I would love to hear a
scene about a dog walker who uses an apartments amenities.
I love the show and listen while I walk. Thanks, Anne,
(03:33):
I'm sorry, what are you doing here? Uh? We uh?
We were dog walkers. We we walk your dog typically
well on Tuesdays? Were the ones that walk your dogs? Yeah?
I was looking at the app and uh it said
that you finished your walk two hours ago, stave her?
Were these men? Oh I'm sorry, I'm sorry. We walk
(03:54):
your dog our dogs. Yes, yes, these are the men
who walk our dogs. But you know what, these men
quit what they were finished walking our dogs over? Why
are all of our PlayStation games all over the floor,
It's just that the air conditioning. We want to make
sure your games. Is that one of our pararea's whose
(04:15):
peria isn't isn't a pararea anybody's? Whoever? It's our That
is our fridge. That means that's our food inside. The
company is so giving? How long have you been here
imaging through our apartment? Two hours? We walk your dogs
every tuesday? Will we do it for Claire? Claire usually
walks it, but on Tuesdays she's got to day class.
(04:38):
Wait wait wait wait wait, can shut the funk up? Wait,
shut then up? Calm down. Rick's two strikes. Guys, Please
don't call the cops. You call cops, I'll kill myself.
Whoa Rick? Alright? No? That okay, alright, alright, I'm not
calling the cops. Alright, this is christ he needs another period?
(04:59):
Can you give me one? Please? Yeah? Sure, I will
go and get you another perier from our fridge. My emergency.
Holy shit, are you calling the cop? Can you hear
them in the back? Oh, my fucking god, that's it.
I'm jumping. I'm jumping. This is it's a one story.
(05:19):
It's just gonna hurt your leg. Okay, yes, ship ship, Yeah,
it's it's one flight. Now. We have a man with
a broken leg. Can you send someone please? Okay one
of the intruders. Well, well i'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.
You can have the phone because I'm not an intruder.
I'm leaving now. You stay here. The police are on
their way. Okay, Well take his picture quick, I got it.
(05:42):
Don't don't take a picture of my face. We have
a picture of you. So you're staying and you're facing charges.
And I hope your friend is okay. I hope he's
okay too. I don't know why. What did he think
was going to have? How is that a threat? By
the way, I don't I'm going to jump off your
first floor shelf if you don't shut up. Yeah, I
hope you can crawl away fast enough. Listen, guys, I've
(06:02):
never been arrested hit. Did you maybe think about that
before you broke open and decided to watch some honey, honey,
can we just give one Chief? We just got a call.
It looks like there's some breaking entry. You have some
dog walkers so over on Wilson Park. God damn tug walkers.
They're the worst. They're the worst. They're the worst. They
(06:23):
think they can use your apartment without compunction. I started,
Do you want me to get you your shirt or
you just wanna be shirtless? Maybe shirtless today? You gotta
shirtless two days? You know what? It It is? All right?
I want to handle this one myself. Are you shut? Yeah?
You get me a ride over there? Of course I will.
Should I bring out the shotgun as you like to
call it, Yeah, bring out the shotgun. Thank god you're here.
(06:51):
Thank you. I'm Reginald. This is Tim, Tim, I'm Chief.
I'm just Chief. Can you let me know, uh what
what's been going on? Yes? They were, they were walking
our dog. We they have They know that the key
is in the little hid To keybox. They came in,
they walked our dog and then for the next apparent
two hours they sat and drank our our sodas and
(07:14):
played our video games. This is your dog's bowl here typically, yes,
this is our dog's bowl here, this is well, this
is one of our dog's bowls. Chief. I don't mean
to be rude. Would you like a robe or something? No,
I'm good, okay, I'm good. Shirtless Tuesday and well, I
mean if you find that body, i'd go shirt let's do.
But excuse me. No, I'm saying if either one of
(07:34):
us had that body, would you not? I mean let
everyone know You're not wrong. I mean the Chief is built.
I'm in good shape for a man. Can I get
how something? Can I ask you? How old you are? Chief?
Kind of a Harrison Ford thing going on years old?
Oh my god, I mean really two you two idiots.
On the other hand, we walk like garbage. We walk
(07:57):
your dog. No, Claire walks our dog. Putting on on Tuesday.
And Rick's leg is spent. It's like broken for sure
because he jumped off our first floor, Jack temp temple. Chief,
would you please do something alright? So which the leg
is broken? This leg here, I'm standing up talk walk okay,
(08:25):
then this leg is fine. He's just putting slight pressure.
It was okay. Do you walk the dogs? You feed
them as well? We usually just walk the dogs, but
I'll fill a bowl of water. I don't. I don't
feel because we don't know. Maybe some dogs graze during
the day and some dogs could feed at certain times
(08:45):
sometimes like the graze. What's what's your rate? Typically? You answered,
we split it fifteen per hour? Is that per walk
or per hour? I'm sorry? Are you just are you
just need a dog walker? That's what I thought was happening.
These are very police like questions. No, these are just
(09:08):
these always thinking questions that someone would ask. Yell. But again,
still if I had that chest that as a right
I got. I don't use you. I'm an older man.
What do you like? I like to meet people in
person and ask the questions when next door? What the
app next doors? About? Neighborhoods and people look after each other. Yeah, look, Tim,
(09:30):
Tim is registered, by the way, under Gladys Kravitz, which
I thought was very clever. I'm look, I'm a big
fan of Lenny Kravitz and the Pips and Bewitched and Bewitched.
That's wait, that's a bit witch thing. The neighbor that
was always nipping. Okay, I'm gonna take these purps. Oh,
(09:53):
I like that word. Purps, uh, perps. I need to
get a run. First of all, I get dropped off.
We're dog walkers. We don't have a Okay, can you
call one of those red sharing services Uber Lift. I'm
an Uber driver, you're not. I can do it. I
(10:14):
can do it. I can do it. H Okay, Well,
I'm gonna need you to get me right back to
the station and uh and then uh, actually we're gonna
we're gonna make a step in my place. Okay. I
want to introduce you to my dogs. Okay, okay, okay,
this is Franklin. All right. I just don't think that
we should be were going into your place right now.
(10:36):
This is Benjamin. Okay, it's just usually usually we we
go through the apps. There's a protection for both of us. Okay,
we're not going through the Apple right, You're gonna deal
directly with me. They're they're both wearing three piece suits.
They are both wearing three piece suits. Okay, so well,
(10:57):
first of all, we're gonna need to say schedule when
we want to come by to walk them. And can
I get your bathroom? Yeah? Sure, sure, sure, you're gonna
have to get bath bends again in Franklin. My prettiest.
(11:27):
Does that mean? Does that mean like being a dog walking? Now?
I'm not a big fan of it. I really have
a chief chief. We just keep getting these reports and
these boys being found all over the city getting eating
up by these feral dogs. Really, yeah, that's curious. Send
somebody down to look into it. But don't look into
it too. Do you wanna wanna grab some pants or something,
(11:49):
or it's pantless wednesdays? Yes, it is all right, Yeah,
I'll just send one of the boys down there to
take a look at it, one of the rookies, that's right,
send it to all right, you know? Um, okay, So
I guess you just just gotta get a statement from from you.
This body. It was just thrown up on the sidewalk
(12:10):
in front of our house, and it's pretty much picked
clean to the bone. You can see as well as
we can clearly clearly a dog has been man. You
I just I just did you find anything on the
location that might lead to us you know whose dog
this might be? There was a small note. There was
a note. What what did this small note say? What
(12:33):
did what did it say? It just had a paw
print on it. It could have been a piece of
paper that got stuck to the dogs for a note
from the dog. Well, I don't believe dogs can write,
but I might be mistaken, but it was a piece
of paper that was clearly with the pall print to
the bottom. I believe it was the message to the
police that was mocking the I hate it when people
(12:55):
mocked the police. We're not mocking the police. What did
you say that it was mocking the books was a thrill.
It was mocking the police. Come give me. Oh well,
I hadn't put that together. This is the first thing
that my while was the first time I've understood that.
I'm taking this back to the chief right now. Hey Chief,
(13:16):
that microphone, kid, I'm saying, do you mind if I
moved this microphone? This room is so bugged, like my
My whole office is word for sound. Chief. I found
something out that I wanted to bring straight to you
and to no one else, because I know you're the
only one that can be trusted here. Um. This note
was found at the scene where one of the dog
victims was discovered. It's a pop print, and the couple
(13:42):
seem to think that it was these dogs mocking the police.
The police. The police mock the police, Yes, sir, the
rap songs. I took me a second in my head
to remember it just right. But what do we need
to do, sir? I'm not sure what we're gonna do.
We got to find these dogs. What's my name is Riley? Riley?
(14:04):
First name, my last name both Riley Riley different? Yeah right,
L y R L E Y like that. We're gonna
sweep this one under the rug, sir, Are you sure?
I mean, look what this pop print says. It's mocking us,
you know. Uh, We're gonna file this one away in
(14:24):
this file, right, that's a trash cancer. It's a circular file. Okay,
look at look at my body, sir. I would like
to report a crime, so uh, and I want to
do it somewhere safe because it's it involves pretty high profile,
(14:45):
high powerful people. Okay, So could I could? I is
there like a room that I could do outside of
the front office of the station when we do it
in my car? In your car? Okay, that seems a
little odd, so want to it's okay, thank you. Can
you turn on the air conditioning or anything or just
sit in this hot car? Yeah? We can turn the okay,
(15:08):
So I'm a dog walker. What song? Is this? Just
classical music? Yeah? But the artist probably a group of
just music like probably maybe the l A. Phil The
artist can be like the band you know what I
(15:28):
mean that you know, but it's let's see who is this?
So what do you want to say? Well, I'm I
sometimes I cover for a friend doing dog Walker and
and my my friend Luke was killed to heart Sounds. Huh,
that's who it is, the heart Sounds, That's who it was.
My friend Luke was killed by the chief of police
(15:51):
dog What are you saying, I'm saying the chief of
police Larry. So you're telling me that you want me
to go to Iced Tea and ask him to change
the name of its new song from kill the Police
to mock the Police. Yeah, that's right. So what what
are my what are my angles here of convincing someone
who's come up with such a dare I say iconic
(16:14):
song title to undermining it with mock the Police? Well,
it's really only changing two letters, and if all the
F words can be changed to mock, then I think
that that will help. This is you're sure this is
Ice t It might be Ice Tray. Uh sure, Ice
(16:37):
tre iced t Ice Tray. Yeah, um, yeah, because I
asked you to look into this exactly. So all does
you guys having a producer meeting with Emmy? Oh sorry Larry, Yeah, okay,
it's like, what's going on? I was just talking to
the guys at n w A. Yeah, you're telling the
guys in n w A. Yeah, what do they have
to do with this? What do you mean we're just
having a producer's meeting. I just want to come and
see what's going on. Well, we're talking about changing orks
(17:00):
or something like that. This Larry had an idea that
we changed the name of does it kill the police
or fun the police? I can't even say it? Okay,
but he wants to change either. Wait, Larry, what are
you talking about Larry to mock the police? Yes, Larry, yes, yes, yes,
I'm Larry. That's right. Yes, we're all larryous. Yes. Why
do you do this every time? Larry? Larry's here? Represent
(17:23):
Mr teh? Why are you here? Mr T? From Mr T.
Well he's starting to do this. Yeah, he's not a musician,
you will. He's trying to get into it. We don't
give a ship if he's trying to get what about
I pity the police. That's usually Mr. Yes, I pay
the police. That's yeah, that'll work because because because that's
(17:45):
kind of angry to me, that's sending passive aggress I'm
gonna go back to my guy and pitch it to
him and see if it works out. Well, this sounds great.
And who is your guy again? Mr? T Lawencero? Right now? Uh, Larry,
who who are these guys in your office? Chief? Chief?
(18:09):
I found something that I really have to show you
right away. It's the color from one of those dogs
that's been eating all the people, and it's got your
phone number on the back of his collar. Oh, it's
like a Sicilian message. Do you wait a minute. I
thought people put their own phone numbers on the back
of a dog's collar. You think you put your number
(18:29):
as as a warning to you. I guess I'm a target. Hey, Riley,
do you wand if you talk to look, the chief
is involved in a lot of a lot of pies,
if you know what I mean. Yeah, I know there's
a bunch of record producers in his office. Yeah, he's
got a lot of toes and a lot of pies.
So I need you to understand that this is a
little bigger than what you got going on? All right?
What are you fifteen sixteen? I'm twenty six? Okay, well
(18:51):
you look yet. Thank you. If you get involved in
this big fish, you're gonna get eating up. You get
what I mean? I don't. Okay, we're talking to me music.
You understand that same songs? Do you understand sing song? No?
I don't understand anything you're saying. When a guy plays
the piano and notes come out, I mean I understand
how piano works. I don't think you understand what I'm saying.
(19:13):
I really don't know how more clear I can be.
Could you just tell me what you're trying to say?
When music comes out, money gets made? Serge? How does
this have anything to do with the Chief? Tune in
next Wednesday to The Rookie and the Chief. Friday's at
Night that makes sense, See Nights See the Chief is
(19:36):
just all over the past toes and pies. This second
tunes from Jackson Spelled j A x O N, who
wrote Love the Show. At my high school, there's talk
of a senior prank where someone walks a cow upstairs
into the mezzanine above the gym where the workout equipment
(19:58):
is because cows can only walk upstairs and not down.
I would love to see what your guys come up
with and how I would be handled by the school administration.
Thank you and keep up the good work, Jackson. All right,
but we just have to kill the cow. I don't
feel comfortable killing a cow. Well, you can't walk down
the stairs. Well, perhaps maybe we could put it to
(20:21):
sleep and maybe well what if we pushed it out
a window? So you kill it either way? No, no, no,
there's it's only two stories. Are you saying we should
make it look like a cow suicide? No? No, no, no,
how must push it out the window? Conspiracy to kill
a little heal? We'll put a clearly, we put a
(20:45):
pig una. That cow's gonna crush both animals. We need
one of those lifts, you know, the thing, the crane,
the lift with the under eating Gilberg grape. Remember when
they did that with his mom, Take his mom out
of that house. That's how we take this because we
just had like a big pillow type thing that people
would like, a like a moon moon jumper at the bottom.
(21:05):
Principal calliards. I hate to be a nudge, but the
students are going to be arriving to school in about
fifteen minutes. We're going to have to deal with this
very quickly. I'm just saying, sir, I'm just I'm just look,
I'm just your secretary. I'm just saying, I understanding assuments.
You're gonna be here first, Bell is about to rank. Yes, okay,
Well because my gym. Okay, so I need to use
(21:26):
my gym. It's not your gym, this is the school's gym.
You take this as if you're some sort of pirate
on a ship, and we discuss who we think might
have been involved the seniors. Could we be more general students.
I'll tell you who did it, all right? It was Marionetti, Nettie,
it was Jason Marinetti. That piece of fucking ship. You've
got something from Marionett. No, I don't okay? That the kid.
(21:48):
He didn't want to go on, administrator, Jason? What are
you doing here so early? I thought I would use
the workout room before class get started. Workout room for
student athletes only. And you don't play for the team anymore,
do you, Marionetti? All right? So I got cut from
the little crosse team, but I was on the team
(22:09):
or what's going on? We got a cow? He you
know there's a cow up here, Marit do you put
it up here? Well, why can't the cow just walk
down the stairs and you Irish piece of ship? You
know exactly what you did. Hey, don't disparage my Irish heritage, okay,
and cows can't walk downstairs that piece of information to
(22:30):
see if he did the thing in the first place.
You just defulged some serious You don't understand how detective
work for. I'm not a detective, I'm a secretary. Kill
the damn thing. Huh. We're not killing a cow on
my school grounds. Sorry, I said our school grounds, Thank you,
Marionettie got damn it. We stopped working out, Stop working out,
(22:51):
ma working on my traps, all right. St Patty's days
coming up. It's big for my people, all right. Welcome
to the tryouts, is it, Marionetti? Yeah, yeah, Marinetti. So.
Um someone, Jason, pleasure to meet you. Um. We were
told that you wanted to audition for one of the
(23:11):
leads in our production or summer production of the sweat
Hogs from the Gabe Kaplan television show, and you wanted
to read for Vinnie Barbarino. Yeah, if it's possible at all, Well,
I see it now. Okay, Well start on page three
whenever you're ready, and uh, let's let's have fun with this. Hey,
Mr Kato up in nose with a rebel hose. Okay,
(23:33):
can I give you a note? Yeah please? Okay, So
Vinnie Barbarino is a little more subtle than that. He is,
of course from Italian family. Oh okay, yeah right all right.
So so so this is like I'm like, you know,
crossing over some sort of cultural things because I'm very Irish,
clearly clearly, if I may, you reek literally reek of potatoes.
(23:59):
So let's try this again with more of an Italian
family background. Okay, help your nose with a rubber holes.
Mr Calt Okay, one more note, if I may rob
for cabin accent thing. I feel we've swung a little
too far. Okay, took a big swing. Let's come back
(24:20):
to the Mr Shaffer. I'm starting to rupt the audition,
Mr Shaffer, but we have some news from your from
your family. Um, but it's not good. What do you
mean because it's at your house, sir? Who sounds like
somebody got pranked? Oh no, there's some kind of dog
walker or Something'm not sure you'll pick this up tomorrow,
Mr Marinetti. Okay, I'll look at the sides in the hall.
(24:41):
I'll be off book by tomorrow. I mean, are you
looking at you think for your show that you dish
the fun tomorrow? Do you want not to help you
go over your line? Yeah, there's so many lines to learn.
It's real hard. But look, you're a good Irish boys,
so you're gonna learn real good. Let me take a
look at your script with you. Okay. You gotta sing
(25:03):
in it too, Yeah, I gotta. It's a some production
called The Sweat High. I love that, and look at
all the songs and all this. Okay, I'll go over
your lines with you right right, gonna get your black
and Tamna yeah, and my Irish Yeah? What is going on? Yuh, well,
there's going on. There's no sure need look at this.
(25:26):
Our boys gonna be on Broadway. He's not gonna be
on your way broad It's a school production. The Marinetties.
They don't act, they work or you understand what I'm saying.
You gotta let me do this. I don't gotta let
you do it or nothing? Yous gotta be the guys
that goes out there and works. You understand that your
old families works in the farms US. It does the same.
Oh you and your Irish old country ways. How we
(25:49):
survived this house. We've made it there. Look, I'll tell
you I'm gonna be in this class play and I'm
also gonna sign up for those disco dancing lessons. The
Sons of a Beati beat your ass. If you do that,
I'm gonna take your face off. Why don't we just
see if we can get the students to think it's
a project and they'll decide how to get the cow down.
(26:10):
This is a feral animal. It's not a feral animal.
It's a cow. Pet. Ferrell, I I believe, means you know,
dangerous and wild, dangerous Ferrell just you know, not a pet,
not domestic. That's what ferrell means to me, and I
mean to you it's a definition. It's not it's not
(26:33):
what it means to me. I came as fast as
I could. I heard you wanted to make a project
out of this. I brought paint. We can Jesus the
whole cow. They're gonna paint the cow as students it's
gonna be our art projects. This is the gym. It
ain't in our class. Get out of here. Man. What
we're going to do is we're gonna try to make
it a science project. Get all the super smart kids
(26:55):
and they'll solve our problem for us. How to get
the cow out of the gym? Running as fast as
I could, I hurt. You wanted to make it a
science project? How do we cut this thing in a
cross sections? Well, we don't want to kill it. That
we don't want to kill this is something stop. Stop now,
(27:15):
you will not be able to get the corow out
of this place. Well, push those classes up your nose
up to high up. Okay, so the mascot here what
you want? Well, underneath that mascot is one of the
smartest teenagers in this school. Thank you. You'll have to
lift the cow out the window. That's what I was thinking.
(27:35):
Lifted out the window. That's so stupid. Push the cow
out the window. Let's just kill it and then we
can eat it. All right, fine, let me say goodbye.
How would you propose we killed the cow? Well, there's
weights around here. We can all just take turns smacking
in the head absolutely and taking turns. Yes, I mean
(27:59):
I'm not to hear the head. Listen. I I've hired
some people in the dark Web in the past, and
I think that is the idea that eventually one of
these smacks to the head. We're not doing it. Yes, yes, Look,
I'm trying to get built up because I got this
for the sweat. All right, So you've returned to the
(28:23):
dark web. Yeah, I've I've got another another job for
you the dark web, except jobs when the dark web
knows what the job is. Well, we've got a cow
in the gymnasium of our school, and I'm willing to
pay one quarter bitcoin to have this cow. One quarter bitcoin.
(28:44):
Do you know how much that's worth. It depends on
the day, but I would say roughly two dollars. Not
nearly enough to move a cow. It's a cow. Some
people would kill a cow for free. I've got people
wanting to smack it in the head with weights back
at the school. And why did you come to the
dark Web Because I need it right like you did before.
We don't talk about what happened in the past the
(29:05):
dark web. When he talks about the let me just
transferred to me. I'm sorry, interrupted you want the grilled
cheese and tomato soup. Honey, I'm working right now. Oh,
who's the background on your don't you worry about it? Okay,
it sounded like somebody was offering grilled cheese. That sounds
like the meal for a child, just my husband. You're
a woman, of course, of course, of course, So how
(29:30):
soon can you offer cow in a gymnasium at your
local high school. You didn't say you wanted to cow off,
You said you wanted to cow remove anything you can do,
if if you can keep it alive, I'm fine with that,
but I'm gonna need to get you. You're gonna have
to come to the principal's office and get a name
tech and be registered in. It's gonna have to be
by the books, not the Dark Web does not use
(29:52):
the books. The Dark Web uses the Dark books. Okay, okay,
well used the Dark books. I just never just with
thought of acting like that. That's actually pretty insightful. Yeah,
I mean, it's just about being the character, you know,
and convince you yourself that it's real, and then you know,
it's basically listening to reacting you know. Yeah, I guess
(30:14):
something I haven't been doing I guess I've been reacting
to that listening man, you gotta do both? Yeah, huh wow,
that's uh god, damn this beautiful. You know, I want
to apologize for constantly making uh fun of your Irish
heritage and calling it out. I've been picked on Latin
school because I'm so Irish, you know. Yeah, obviously it's
(30:34):
it's very obvious. But can I run my audition song
by you? Yeah? Whatnot? Oh? Danny boy? The pipes, the
pipes a cod is that it? Yeah? I'm just doing
two boys. Very good. That's for two bars of a
contemporary songs. Great, that's fantastic. Uh. You know, I kind
(30:56):
of scholarship opportunity if you want to look at it.
It's for yeah to play la cross over at Stemple University.
It's funny. I've played lacrosse in two years and suddenly
you got a scholarship for me. Yeah. Look, I'm gonna
acting now. This is what I am. Okay, you just
(31:21):
gotta great traps on you, and I just thought they
would go waste on stage. And I work a lot
of my traps. I don't build any other muscles. Hey,
do you for connecting all that? Do you do you know,
but they come up here honestly, don't come on, No,
I have nothing to come on. Come on, come on,
you can tell me with a rubber holes. You know
(31:44):
exactly who did it? All? Right? Oh wow, well your
two colors are showing now, showing right now? Okay, So
you didn't care about my acting career at all? Was that?
Was that a cross scholarship? Not Legit seems pretty heated.
I've got a new student to introduce and he's going
to be here working out in the gymnasium. I'm a
(32:05):
child student and it's probably a good idea to me.
But then is wrong with this kid? You know it's
from the dark Well, it's from the dark web. I
told you not to talk about the dark webt you've
just reached arm. Don't wait, wait, don't go, don't go
right now. Wait wait, I'm going home to my husband. Husband,
(32:29):
we who ruined it? He was going to take care
of the cow for me. Oh, he was gonna be
at the death with the white gave him. You know,
he was going to do it in a clean I
don't know exactly how he said not to ask questions
a quarter bitcoin? Which one are you? Fellow dot talk
to you about getting to the cow. Principle, there's no
way I was on the dark web. Where did you
come from? I got an amassage for that. You wanted
(32:52):
to get a cow removed? Yeah, I do want to
get a cow removed. Where's the cow now? Well, it's
in the gymnasium on this what do my name? In
the gym? Night? It's inside? Who would let a cow
inside of gym naisy? We don't know, Probably seniors. It
was a prank they've been burning. Just opened the doors
of the gymnasium and say, okay, we haven't tried that.
We haven't tried that. Opening gymnasium doors and say scoot,
(33:15):
that's right. Usually were the rumor? Has it that they
can't go down the stairs? You didn't say he was upstairs? Upstairs?
He can't get him down? So are you gonna be
able to do anything? The Science Department of Strap rockets
to the cow. They're gonna try to shoot him out
the window. Okay, principle, they're just making a giant cow bomb.
(33:36):
A cow bomb looks like it. I don't want to
be put on the map as the school that had
a cow bomb go off. Goddamn the mascot right off
the cow. Well, how about this? What if we had
marry and had he and I hate to do this
a student that's changing, but use his strength to beat
this cow into submission with weights and then we feed
(33:57):
him to the students like it's free, It saysn't is
that you meet the cow bum? Yes? I made the
cow bumb? Why would you do? Because the can go downstairs?
So you thought, yeah, that's what what else you gonna do?
You got a cove upstairs in the school? Put the
car bum? I put? Where do you think I put
(34:17):
the cowbu? All right, freed you Cuban piece of ship.
We we need you upstairs. Let's get to that spectacularly.
It's thank goodness. It's two thousand nineteen. Our final scene
(34:38):
for today comes from James from Zealand. Now do we
assume that means New Zealand, No original zeal old old Zealand? Yeah?
What is the Zealand? Forget mignorance? Well it's uh. Our
heads turned to crack. It's the country Zealand. No. I
believe that there's uh like a town to shift a
(34:59):
district in the Netherlands. It's called Zealand to believe where
all of those models came from. Thank you for pinpointing
it for us. I'm going to write okay. James from Zeeland,
who wrote high Alchemist, thanks for all the laughs. My
community to work has become a highlight of my day
(35:20):
every Tuesday and Thursday. One of my favorite scenes was
the Conciergee. I almost choked when Vanessa asked, do you
want a room with beef? Amazing? I have it. It's
great that none of us remember that moment, but just
those words context always. I have a scene suggestion for
(35:41):
a group of neighborhood kids need to find a way
to raise two un fifty dollars or their favorite ice
cream shop will be demolished to make room for an
Amazon distribution center. James from Zeeland, Well, I'm sorry, kids
can have to close up and ask you to get going,
and you can't go. I have two boys I've gotta have.
(36:02):
I gotta start putting things in boxes. What would it
take to keep the place. I'll tell you what it
would take take. Do you help? Why are you crying? Well?
Because I just think you boys are so sweet and
Peter it would take two hundred and fifty thousand dollars
to Does that something that I could take from my
parents wallet in person or something? But gosh, it just
(36:26):
just so sweet? Closing early? Are we? Huh? Diane? Do
you want anything to eat? I'll have a d What
do you want to eat? I'll have a car. I
can't pronounce that. What do you pronounce? It's it's chocolate.
(36:47):
Is that what you'd like? A chocolate cone? A chocolate cone? Yes, drunk.
That woman is un This is the couple that's going
to be taken over this that. We'll put up some
boxes over there for the distribution. We're gonna take down
that wall. We're gonna down that wall. And yes, they
(37:07):
are drunk. Are you are excuse me? Are you Mr? Bezos? Yes?
I am Mr Bezos. We don't want our ice cream
shop to shut down for another stupid Amazon distribution center.
What do you want? I didn't know that, Diana. I
don't know what do you want? We just want this
(37:27):
local ice cream place that we always come to after
the school and we we play magic. I'm sorry I
can't hear you because you're too poor. I don't give
a ship. You can order ice cream seven via Amazon.
It's Amazon, your little ship, okay, okay, okay, Jimmy, Peter.
I appreciate what you boys are trying to do here,
(37:47):
but there's no fighting a jug or not like Amazon.
It's k kids ain't gonna be able to pull that up.
How must time do we have to pull it up? Well,
that's a that's a question for Mr Bezos and his
drunk wife. You had twenty four hours give me now?
(38:12):
All right, we have twenty four hours starting right now.
Let's get that dad. What is the sun? I have
a question by you? Oh sure, Peter? What is it? Mr?
Peterson's ice cream shop is parts begin to close and
that's we can raise some money. So I was wondering
if maybe you and mom might be able to help.
(38:33):
You're always going into your office and writing checks for
things that matter to you, and I've never asked you
to write a checks or anything that matter for me
a moment and you can do that. M hmmm. Did
your did your friend Tim that plays magic the gathering
put you up to this? We discussed it and I
told him I would come to you. Why doesn't he
go to his parents? I think he is? Do you
(38:56):
was it? Could you? Could you wake up for a
second hery to wake you up work the graveyard shift kids.
I know, I know, Mom. Could you wake up to mom? Mom? Dad,
there's hot dogs in the sink. I know I already
ate that dogs. Listen. I know that we don't have
a lot of money, and we we we struggle sometimes.
But the ice cream shop that I like to go
(39:17):
to is closing down. Dad, Wake back up, Dad, So
we were trying to raise two d and fifty dollars.
Jesus Christ, I wouldn't wake you, but we've only got
twenty four hours, and I was wondering. There's there's a
cold stone across the street from the ice cream. That
place is so corporate. We want a mom and pop.
It's not good. They don't have thin mint cookie dough.
(39:42):
They do, they don't. They don't have thin mint cookie dough.
They'd either have thin mint or they have cookie dough. Mom, Dad,
I'm serious. You guys don't ever care about the things
that it got to have it. Listen. I hope things
are going a lot better with my friend Peter that son.
(40:04):
I just don't think that. I don't think I can
write a check that big. I mean, you could use
the same time check side they always write no, I
mean for that amount of money, Peter, that seems like
a lot of money. But it's the only way that
Peterson's ice Cream stay open. There's a cycle in the
business world, and it's a boom and bus like a
(40:24):
bicycle sort of. Yeah, but and this bicycle is going
off a cliff. The bicycle that this this ice cream
parlor is. Peterson's ice cream parlor is not a bicycle
ice cream parlor. And I only need and you have it.
I know you have it. How do you know that
I have? I know? Do you know about my secret safe?
(40:46):
Can I tell you what the combination is? Can you
tell me what the combination is? Around three times the
right to seven, around two times with the left eight,
around two times of the left to two. All right,
so I know it's inside the alright. So rather than
going any stealing, I'm asking Diane, Diane, I love you, Jeff,
(41:10):
I love you, baby. This is so good. What did
you just says chocolate. I can't get enough of this.
Give her some more chocolate. Alright, We're gonna buy this
whole town, baby, We're going out on this town. I'm
gonna own the town. I'm gonna the town, Peter, I
(41:32):
didn't kill anything. I didn't. My parents just told me
to to go to cold Stone. It's okay, you didn't. Well,
look who it is, the two nerd boys. So Tim, Peter,
I'm just saying goodbye on my last day. When you've
gotten that bag. Nerd boys, it's a check check. It's
a huge bag just for a little check. Uh my backpack,
(41:57):
Oh it is it is a piece of paper. Huh
oh wait, I don't that's He'll write another check the
same amount. What a dork. We don't have much time, Peter,
who have seventeen son? What are you doing interrupting me
at work? I've got very important things to do here.
(42:17):
Talking a hold on a second, My son's here ice
cream plays a big check, so have you can just
read another check? Like, hey, hey, this is my son, Peter.
Just I'll tell you what you know the combination run
just run home, get it in cash, and if he
gives you any lip, there's something in there to handle
(42:39):
that too. Okay, alright, so like, uh, we're back to it.
I mean we're talking about feet size here, all right,
that's a lot of cash to have, Peter, Are you
sure he's not gonna steal that money from you. He
can rip up a check. But if he takes that cash,
then what do we do choice We don't have thirteen
more hours there. Okay, well let's go. What are you
(43:00):
gonna do to protect yourself? Well, my dad said I
could also use the gun. That was well, well, well, looky,
looky talky bookie. Huh hey, listen, we don't have anything
this time. You've already ripped up the one piece of
paper that matters. Oh yeah, looks like you got a
tiny of your backpack there with a lot of stuff
spilling out of it. Well, that's one thing right here
that's gonna spill out of it. It's called a clock.
(43:21):
Oh my god, it's a nine millimeter right, How could
you tell? What? What the millimeter? The barrel? What about
the caliber? I don't know. Okay, so it's loaded with
nine millimeter things and I'm gonna shoot him? Oh my god, yeah, exactly,
So back off now, okay, all right, okay, now run
(43:42):
the other way? Did you get more Italian? Run the
other way? You did it? You did it. That was amazing.
I didn't think I could do it. I acted all
tough like in the movies. Are doing. I had to
defender money. We have it all. If we could just count,
we have thirteen hours left to count. So if you
(44:04):
count this portion and then I'll kind another, it's two.
You brought two hundred. My god, my dad has over
three million dollars in cash in the safe. Wait what
the combination is? So baby, if you want to see
Mr T, I got it. Whatever you want, I freaking
love Mr Te. Get the fuck out of my establishment.
(44:25):
What the hell here? It's all here. Mr Bezos decide
this briefcase two hundred and fifty thousand dollars in cash,
and then I count that? Does this mean I'm not
gonna get to see Mr T. You're gonna get to
see Mr Ta. Don't worry about that. I doubt there's
two hundred fifty thou dollars in that briefcase. Oh really, well,
(44:47):
Tim Peter, come on in boys, they Mr Peters and yeah,
that's right. We stacked it and counted it three times
ten hours. It took well twelve hours and fifty nine minutes.
We had this one minute left to come. I can
get this business, okay. So one, I don't know if
we can trust. We don't have time for another. She's
(45:08):
very drunk, she's fine. How many bells are in this
How many bells? How many bells are in this bowls
or bells? Hunt bills in that stack? And there are
ten stacks. Okay, I guess it's all here. Okay. It
looks like my lady says it's good to go. I
(45:29):
trust her. I'm Jeff Bezos. It looks like you get
to keep your ice cream stand. But one thing you
didn't think about was the land. So right, rent, you're
gonna have to rent for me, and rent just increased
to Yes. In a second, rent, just increased to it. Okay,
(45:56):
all right, we'll be back, okay to tell you the amount. Okay,
just give us a second. Come on, what do you
want to what do you want to close? Can I
get a birthday cake remix? Birthday cake remix? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, sure, Hi,
welcome to coach, don't happen? Yes? Oh my goodness, I
want to go. Yes, him and yours girlfriend. That's right,
I'm instillly recognizable. Can I have a gotta have a
(46:17):
birthday cake remix? Of course you gotta have. I don't
know if we need to gotta have it. That's the
biggest size you got. What's what's the one? What's the
one before that? I'm not a love it? What the
smallest size? The one that's like it? Like it like?
We just don't like it of the birthday cake? Whatever
you We just had a lot of ice creams, so
Mr Bezos, they didn't treat you very well at the
(46:40):
corporate ice cream play my stomach. I'll tell you what.
Here it are lovely little local ice cream parlor. We'll
take good care of you, get you whatever you like.
You know what, I'll even mix in any flavors you want.
It'll taste just like one of those birthday cakes. We
just want you to feel at home here in our
(47:01):
locally owned business. I'm aprecyure that, but she seems pretty sick.
I do more stuff. I like this Guy's making me
feel better. You like this guy? Do you want this guy?
I want this guy? All right, Well, we're gonna take
you to go. But Mr Peterson, boys, I'm not gonna lie.
I thought I was convincing him and it has backfired.
Where does it mean you're going? What are you taking him?
(47:22):
Every morning? When I wake up? I want Mr Pearson
making me ice cream? Just by Jeff Bezos. Look, I'm
gonna allow these kids to run the shop, really, if
that's all right, So the Peterson's ice cream gets to stay.
I just have to serve as man servant to your drunk,
chocoholic wife. You don't talk to her like that, Okay,
(47:43):
you just make those chuckos for her in the a
M You got that, yes, sir, Mr Bezos, all right,
Mr Pearson, don't go, boys. I don't know if you're
ready to run up boys. Look at you. You you
managed to get two hundred and fifty thousand dollars from
your father and and fight off a bully with a glock,
(48:04):
and and you you you kept you kept your parents
awake for several minutes. Yeah, and eat hot dogs out
of the sink. And you ate hot dogs out of
the sink. I think you boys are ready for that?
Sounds good? I want some of those. Yeah. I ordered
that about two like two hours ago or some of
that was It was a birthday cake, ice cream cake
to go. Do you get that? You two little dumb kids?
(48:25):
Or what's up, sir? So there's no reason for that
sort of What was going on here looks like a
two kids running the show here I want an ice cream, Kike,
I ordered it on mine. It's over there. Get one
you want to get from from the cooler over there?
Is what I think? Okay, well it's a custom writing.
You know what fun this? I'm going to cold Pete Peter,
you used to used to protectant working customers. They're always
(48:47):
getting angry. Well it's because I don't know. All right,
all right, you know what? This time, I'm going to
be authoritative you okay, alright? If you ever get enough
foreto um no, I'd like I'll just stay on triple school? Uh?
What what would you like on your first vanilla? On
the first second group? Would you like some samples? Did
(49:10):
you want to sample something? Would like to sample? Would
you like greer cake that's a specialized cream of the
gear cake? Okay? Sample? What do you think of that? Mm?
People say it tastes a bit cummy? Is it coming?
(49:33):
I don't know what you mean. We don't either, that's
what they say. We don't know what it means. But
that's a flavor, apparently. Can you just make all three vanilla? Sure?
You like a triple vanilla on a sugar cone or
rad mm? It's the authority po sir, you'd like a
(49:57):
sugar cone. Ye, it's five dollars and sixty cents. Okay,
you're authoritative. Yeah, that's a ten dollar bill. You don't
want to change, you know what? Keeping boys keep them?
All right? Good luck, sir, let's taste. Excuse me, and
(50:18):
I'm looking for a birthday cake for my mom already?
What it's Oh my god, I kissed them. You want
a birthday cake for your mom? Yeah? If you can
make it out of MIT chocolate chip, you know, more Irish? Yeah,
more Irish? Okay, Mit chocolate your birthday cake? We can
(50:39):
do that. You like something written on it? Yeah? What's
a message to your ma? To my I love you?
We're Irish. You want to remind your mom that you're
she's Irish? Yeah? I want to do it through a cake?
All right. You do gay wedding cakes too, of course
we do. Okay, that's good. Just testy. What did you
(50:59):
want in the kid? A couple of fellas? No, I
don't want to. I'm just I'm testing you. I just
want to see you up to date in twin nineteen? Okay? Cool?
When do you want the cake to? The ice cream?
Birthday cake? Ideally? Right, now, right now, ideally right now,
do we have a man chocole chip cake? I mean yeah,
we have enough men chocolate chipping it. We'll just put it.
(51:20):
I gotta get out of here. I got a date.
There's a falling stage student from Australia. Okay, we got this.
You're right on the cake. Okay, and I love you, mam.
I've already got the first time. I've just now exclamation
point dot. Okay, did you get the cake for your mother? Yes?
(51:41):
I did. That is beautiful. You're Australian. Next, it's so beautiful, Sandy.
Thank you, Jason, thank you for inviting me to have
your mother's cake with her on our birthday. Uh. I
know that you're a good girl. I am a god.
But something tells me that you know you've got a
(52:05):
wild sign and you might be dressing up in leather. Jason,
you do not know what I might be doing. Perhaps
you want to find out at the end of the
day at the school carnival. When I approach you dressed
not like this a woman from Australia who is conservative
but dressed more like at all sexy, long, skinny and
(52:26):
shiny lady with big blonde hair, Okay, we got Mr
t about perform for you all, but it looks like
we've got a cow on the stage. We're not gonna
be able to get him on into the couch removed.
But until then, I just want everyone just to have
some ice cream from from Mr Peterson Peterson's ice Cream
and enjoy the night. Oh that was great, Captain recap
(52:54):
show for today. Uh. First of all, we'd like to
apologize to the Irish people of the world as well
as the Italians. Um, but let's thank you and go
around as we do. Joe mcgleer, Yes, thank you. Mark
Instagram bears every second fourth Wednesday a nine o'clock at
(53:16):
West Common Theater. And Alchemy This live every first Sunday
at nine o'clock of the month, West Common Theater. Okay,
thank you very much for them. And Mark Gagliardi. Hello,
Alchemy this every first Sunday of the month at nine
Haven't you also appeared repeatedly on the Emmy nominated Drunk
(53:38):
History television program I have. I've told many many stories
on Drunk History. My next one will be uh July one,
so uh in two weeks you will hear me talk
about or in the past. You hear me talk about
the Handley Hilton. Yeah, so go to uh Comedy Central
(53:59):
on demand so that you can look up at yeah,
oh nice, nice, nice nice anything else you want to
mention Blend and treasure of course, keep watching. Thank you
for watching Everybody Tuesday nights at ten on CBS. And
when do you go back to work on season two?
Into September? So Excitingkoski at Kikowski on Twitter or at
(54:19):
Craigslist peak cast for podcast stuff or at Orange Tucks
Improv for improv stuff. And congratulations to you as well
in the Drunk History Emmy nomination. Congratulations on you on
you know what, it's not a competition, James Haney of
Haney Well, first and second, the first Sunday of the month,
(54:41):
west Side Comedy Theater, it's alchemy this second and fourth Wednesday.
We've heard of it. Uh and second and fourth Wednesday. Yeah,
so not the third, not the first or the first.
But they're still open, so don't don't be discouraged if
that's the day you're there west Side Comedy dot com
to look up all this stuff, all right, that sounds good. Uh,
let's die our engineer to the Stars, Mr Doug Bain
(55:03):
and our producer of course, Sophie Lichterman, Sophie, production design
genius Raphael britt I heart Media for the auspices, and
thank you and every one of you for writing into
us and with your scene suggestions. Don't forget to tell
everyone you've ever met about the podcast. We appreciate those
(55:24):
of you that have, and of course take the time
to go in write a review. It's ridiculous that it
actually makes a difference, but it does. Write your scene
suggestions to your name here at alcomy this dot com.
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. I'm
your host, Kevin Pollock. You can find me if you
just keep looking until next time. It's a po
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.