August 10, 2021 • 61 mins
Dr Robert...
Tinder for Fighting...
Joey as Dr...
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This I'm your guests,
Cool Stratton in from KP who is frolicking in nature
currently must meet our alchemist Shelley and no particular order.
Say hello to Jackie Ganzellas to Ruthie. Jackie, what movie
do you wish never existed? You could erase it from
being a film? Oh? You know, I recently watched Battlefield
(00:23):
Earth and I love a bad movie. I love to
laugh at a bad movie. But I couldn't. I could laugh,
I would erase half of the movie. I would keep
all of John travel to like maniacal laughing, but I
gotta get rid of everything else. It was hard. It
was a tough watch. Somehow that would make more sense
if you did that in the movie. I think, I
(00:44):
think so, Yeah, I agreed. Hey, Next up, it's Chris Alvarado. Everybody, Chris,
if you could visit any fictitious place, where would you go? Heaven,
God TROVERSY know he would have gotten there, but it
(01:04):
would have taken him seven to ten minutes, right right, Okay?
Then alright? Next up it's Craig Kakowski. Craig, if you
were to play baseball professionally, what would your walk up music? Um,
I think I'd start playing Seven Nation Army, uh, you know,
(01:28):
which is so great song with so cliche at this point,
and then have it segue into uh Napoleon the four teens,
They're coming to take me away. I love it. My
softball team years ago, for like a couple of games,
we did walk up music, and of course, being a smartass,
I just did skin him Ranky Dink from Sharon Lawison Brown.
(01:51):
Really get some that. I did Iron and Wine. The
next week I walk up music Iron. It was fun. Alright. Guys, say, hello,
did James Ceney? James Ceney, what's the most valuable collectible
you own, either emotionally or actual monetary value? Well, it's
my collectible? Like what does that? What does that exactly mean? Like?
(02:14):
I use everything I have. It's not like packaged. It's
something that So if I'm collectible, I guess I have
there's a video game called Don't Starve, and I have
the artist his strong picture of me. I might be
able to read it reach it right here, So I
guess this is kind of like a collectible. Uh. But
(02:39):
but otherwise I don't I don't have collectibles. You don't
have a single like Funko Pop. You have nothing. No, Actually,
the truth is is the only collectibles like that I have.
I I stole doing the Neurology show with you, Cole,
So I do I think it's a fallout. I think
it's a fallout bubble head. Uh. Finally, last, but not last,
(03:03):
Joey Greer, Joey, we all heard that you got cut
from the USA Olympic team. What happened? Well, I know
that everyone's first thought is gonna be the drug test,
and uh, that's not what it was at all. I
actually started growing bones, and the Olympic committee at large
(03:24):
decided that that was somehow an advantage, even though the
bones were actually hindrance because now I have new bones
and I got like new I guess appenages coming out
of my rib cage. And no, it's not like Goro
from Mortal Kombat. I'm not gonna have, you know, two
sets of arms extra but I don't know what they'll be. Uh,
and they do hinge like the dog's legs, so you know,
(03:45):
like the haunches of a dog. So I'm not a
hundred and ten percent about what's going on physically, but
I do think the Olympic Committee as a whole needs
to rethink how they handle people with growing bones out
of the ribs. That makes sense. It could be a
quat know you should look into that could be that,
(04:06):
not just the two um. All right, well, let's do
a damn show, shall we. All of our scene suggestions
are gathered from listeners, emails, or from our Patreon v
I p S. To become a Patreon supporter of the
show and enjoy exclusive content and other perks, just head
on over to patreon dot com slash alchemy this. If
you'd like to submit a scene suggestion via email, please
write to the podcast that our new email address alchemy
(04:27):
this email at gmail dot com. That's okay. Scene one
is from Patreon v I P J, who wrote, Holy hell,
that episode on Tuesday was absolute gold. I was losing
my ship listening to your flow through the whole thing,
whatever you were all on. I want some my scene suggestion.
(04:50):
John Lennon wrote the song Dr Robert, as the story
goes about his drug dealer. Unfortunately, his real name was
actually Dr Robert, and he only found out about the
song after hearing it on the radio. All right, so
what are you looking for Are you looking for a
good time, A good time, A good time, A good time,
(05:12):
good time? Come, I see what we got here. I
gotta tell you, I'm really I'm nervous. Is this usual?
People usually nervous? Yeah? I mean you've done this before.
I don't lie, so I gotta just tell you know,
this is my first time. A Lincoln. I can't tell
a lie, Abraham Lincoln, I cannot tell. Yeah, Okay, you've
(05:36):
never done this before. We should we should probably easy end.
If you've never done this before, why why don't you
get you some weed? Let's get you some straight up?
I don't know. I was thinking, you know, I want
to see things and talk to things and stuff. That's
your first time. Let's just do some weed. Let's not
let's not jump on the horse that doesn't have wings yet.
You know what I mean? That is so beautiful thing?
Is that like your whole life? Uh? Give me one second, nurse, Yeah, yeah, yeah?
(06:01):
Can you just uh, I know I got at three o'clock.
Can you just let them know I'll be out there
in one second. Okay, okay, and don't tell anyone I'm
out by the trash. Can say I'm I'm like you know,
in the bathroom or something like that. Would what are
you doing out here? I'm just talking to a patient,
patient friend of mine, patient friends. Yeah, okay, yeah, all right,
what's going on? No, I'm fine, I'm fine, nurse. We're
(06:24):
gonna we gotta get you now. You don't know what's
going on. Have to bump up my three clues to
get you to the r right now, come, what do
you mean I have to wait? I can't believe I
even had a three pm appointment. I'm Taylor Swift. I'm
so sorry. It's it's uh. I guess I've been going
to Dr Robert for five years. I'm usually the first
(06:48):
end of the day. Y'all switch it up on me,
give me a three pm and then tell me I
have to wait? Okay, okay, okay, what if I what
if I just got you whatever you needed, and you
know what, I'm gonna go to a different doctor. I'm
done here, and I think you're going to hear all
about it in my next album. All right, Taylor, let's
(07:11):
go ahead and check your blood pressure here. It looks
pretty good. The cuff isn't on. You're just kind of
touching my arm. Doctor. Feel good? You know, I'm the
one that makes you feel all right, thanks for coming
to me. Dr Arbart takes all my clients all the time,
you know, thank you. All Right, it looks I'm just
(07:33):
guessing your blood pressure looks good. So um, okay, because
we said it definitively before. So I actually really need
to know. Um, I have blood pressure issues when I'm
on tour and I need to get it right, get
it tight before my next show. All right, Well, would
you mind removing the card again? I gotta get the
cuff on there. Just you know, Stanton, what do you
(07:56):
mean you have to smoke? That's you're actually telling me.
Your doctor gave you a prescription to smoke. This is
that what you're telling me? Stanton? Yeah, that's what I'm
telling you. Baby. Have I ever lied to you? I
don't know? Have you no? Wow? Wow? Okay, so you have?
So you have? So you have? This is not just
(08:16):
for me. When did you lie to me? When I've
never lied to you? Is that? I? Like? What's going on? Baby?
Came here here, take a little puff of this, take
a little medisinal. I can't it was blow in your
face like a chance. Oh gosh? Okay, oh my gosh. Okay,
(08:40):
that is the teeth or indica. I don't know. How
do you feel? Do you feel upward? You feel like
you just want to be in the couch? Or I
don't know how do you feel? You don't know how
you feel. We gotta go to the er. What we
gotta go? You don't know how you feel? In the car?
Get in the car. Who's driving? I'm gonna drive? Hey,
let's go. Just get in the car. I am just
(09:04):
a little buzz. There's a difference, all right, do you
do this a lot? Look I lie to you. Okay?
Um Dr Roberts, Um, um, Dr Roberts. I'm sorry for
what is all that cash doing on your tea? This
(09:27):
is insurance cash? Insurance cash, Yes, the insurance, that's the
pay that What's what's going on? What's going on? Listen?
I um, well, I'm sorry about Taylor. She's moved on.
But I've got something. Do you have a Do you
have a cassette player? Of course every doctor has a
cassette player. Let me just take it off my hip.
(09:47):
Could you could you just pop this inside one? And
here here's some headphones. Okay, let's catch are they talking about?
Take off? The headphones. Huh, take off the headphones. Huh,
take take off the headphones. What's going Yeah? What's going on?
(10:09):
Is that song about you? Is that about this place? Listen?
I went to med school, Like I didn't, I want
to sling drugs. Nobody grows up and says I'm want
to be a drug dealer when I get older. I
wanted to be a nurse. What is this? I'm gonna
be honest with you, all right, Lewis, we sell drugs here.
This is a doctor's office. Taylor as your lawyer, I
(10:35):
don't know if you can put out this song. You know,
it's pretty explicit about real people. Yeah, but it's my
life experience. It's my experience, and I'm the one doing
the hardcore drugs in the song, So I don't feel
like I'm really outing anyone else. More negative mentioned Dr
You mentioned Dr Roberts by by Robert the third and
then I give his address because I do want people
(10:57):
to know because it's a pretty generic so so it's
just a total and complete docent. But how do they know?
You know, think about how many people out there are
named Dr Robert. There have to be so many, so
they won't know exactly who unless I give the specifics.
And then you mentioned your other doctor, doctor feel Good,
real real guy, and hem, yeah, he was a big problem,
(11:19):
so I needed to address it. Hi, doctor feel Good.
My girlfriend brought me here. She thinks I'm I'm not well,
but I think I'm fine. All right. Well she goes
up on the on the little thing there and uh,
you know, put this robe on. I just want you
to relax, I, doctor feel Good. How do you know
(11:40):
my girlfriend? How do I know your girlfriend? Uh? Doctor
paynste confidentiality man, Sorr, bro you know? Oh wow, yeah,
I guess you can't tell me. Okay, fine, we used
the party back. She told me she was never a
party girl. She's and she was just a square. She
(12:02):
was a party girl, man, I mean, craziest girl at
Chicko State State Emery, maybe you should be having this
conversation with her. Bro. It's just it just seemed like me,
I don't want to, you know, Yes, can I please
have the new Taylor Swift CD. Okay, We've got it
(12:27):
right here behind the counter. Okay, okay, can you get
that for me? Sure you are, but you are over
eighteen right? Um? Yeah? Why why the hesitation I mean
you appear to be well over. Yeah, you know, I
was really joking when I said that, but then you
hesitated and made me think that maybe your seventeen year
(12:48):
old with that old person's disease, Benjamin Button's disease, because
that's that's living backwards, right, I guess like, Oh my god, Cheryl,
you've got the new Taylor Swiss c D. Oh my god.
The rest of us just downloaded it. We've been listening
to it for hours. Have you played it yet? How
(13:09):
does this sound CD player? I don't have a CD player.
My laptop doesn't have a CD drive. I don't know
how I'm gonna play this. Maybe you should just return it,
returning you know how hard it was to get this.
You are wearing a disguise. Well, well whoa look who's back?
Yeah I can stay through your disguise. Look, William, you're
(13:33):
my manager and you're out there selling but making it
hard to buy my CDs. You should be if anyone
should be able to buy these, it doesn't. There's no
age limit. Look, Taylor c d s are coming back.
They are. They just are. But they're also not for
everyonether or not for everyone c D are for everyone
(13:54):
and yes, now you do it? Okay, I'll tie um
excuse me? Um? Can I see that? Um CD back there? Um? Also,
is it true that your Taylor Swiss manager? Like, why
do you work here? If that's true? Look, due to
uh do to artist manager confidentiality, I can't tell you that. Okay, yeah, yeah,
(14:22):
why do you work Why do you work here at this? Uh?
This booth on the corner? Yeah? Selling CD is by
accounting booth on the corner. Look, man, C D s
are coming back out of my face? How old are you? Anyway? Kids? Damn?
Goody board members, CD booth is going into our sales.
(14:47):
Good he got it, but we don't. Evidently why didn't
we get the new Taylor Swift and stock. I've been
on this board for twenty eight years and I have
never been mentioned by name. I just want that on
the record every time we come in. It's all the
world I've been for twenty eight years. Does anyone know
who I am? Does anyone know who I am? Wow? Wow?
(15:11):
Well I know what you do? All right, everybody, Welcome
to the Exclusive Lounge at the Exclusive Lounge Club. As
you know, this is a listening party. We're going to
hear Taylor's newest track, everybody and a matter of fact,
take a look over there. Taylor's here. So um, we
(15:35):
are very excited to have you. Obviously, this is the
Exclusive Luck Club Lounge at the Exclusive Club and umunt
so we just can't wait till, like, you know, hear
what you got to say. We're all fans. Well, press play,
you know, Okay, Okay, let's press play. You feel like
that's the way to hear it. Okay, don't don't play
(15:58):
the more than thirty seconds of it, don't get don't
give it up for free. This is mine. Come on, alright, alright,
it's not for free. They will buy it. I'm not
playing the whole album. Ralph Price play you got it? Boss.
Dr Leonard Robert Leonard the third, he's my doctor. He
(16:23):
lives on Maple Street and his address. He's a really
bad man who sells me good drugs and I get
high in the back of his office on his chair sitting.
Uh and that's clearly our address. Five. Now this money,
(16:50):
get this money off? What are you doing? What are
you doing? Oh God, can you get my front door?
I don't work for you anymore. All well, then you're
still a guest. You're still a guest in my home? Hello,
Dr Roberts House. It's me, Doctor feel Good. I've been
looking for this beast for twenty years. Send him on out.
(17:12):
We got some cage fighting to do. Okay, hold on
one second, um, excuse me, Dr feel goods outside? What
Dr Peter? I mean? He looks like he's ready to rumble,
So put on his bras and kunckles. We're gonna do it.
(17:33):
We're gonna do it. I made it myself, all right.
I gotta smelter in the back. Let's do this. Hey,
Dr feel Good, Baby, you know I told you I
would never lie to you, right, yeah, just that, Thomas Jefferson.
(17:53):
I gotta tell you something that happened. But when I
was in the emergency room, Taylor Swift came in. She
wasn't feeling well, and they put her in the bed
next to me, and we started talking and it got personal,
and I told her about you, and she said I
(18:15):
could do better, and I said, how could I do
better than her? I love her? And then she said,
you love me and I do. Taylor, you can come out.
Oh okay, this is my girl, my ex girlfriend. This
is Taylor my new girlfriend t you know, Taylor Swift.
(18:37):
So you brought someone in here with the disguise to
break up with me because you don't have the balls
to do it yourself. No, that's that's it is the
stupidest lie I've ever heard and seen in my life.
I just look a little different because my usual doctor
switched up on me. So now I'm going to a
bad guy and they botched my I usually just get
a facial and they just gave me a bunch of
(18:58):
fillers instead, and bigger than the other. So I'm not
a you know what. Look, I don't find this all right, Stanton,
you know what. I'm out of here. Wait, okay, yeah bye,
I'm out here to get a hold on Jackie. That
was incredible Taylor Swift singing. That was incredible. Great production
(19:22):
value by Aaron Desner from The National. I mean you
guys teaming up, It's fantastic, alright. See Number two comes
from listener Will who wrote, Hey Kevin, happy Father's Day
to my dad. James Heeney seen suggestion tinder for fighting.
(19:42):
Thanks for a million laughs, Will. All right, William, I
saw that you worked in Capitol Records before. That's that's
pretty good. Uh, some CD sales as well. That's that's interesting.
I don't know how long ago that was, I said,
pretty recently. But why don't we hear a Tinder? We're
doing things different because we're all digital. But you know
(20:03):
you're you worked in promotion and that's kind of what
we want you to do here, because we really want
you to hit the ground running because we're not getting
people into the love game anymore. We're getting people into
the fight game. Okay, so we'll just take a second
to look over the app, but we sent it over
to you. I believe in email for him. But if
you have any questions, just just let me know, all right,
(20:27):
all right, well, no questions? You got it? Um? Okay?
Wait wait wait, wait wait, I got I got one question? Yeah?
Can I join? Or is it like a conflict of interest? Uh?
I mean of course you can join. Yeah, you can't
use our our algorithm, our servers, but definitely yeah, we
totally encourage you to join. Do you have a Do
(20:48):
you have a profile? Uh? Yeah, I do. Let me see.
Oh shoot, there you are, wow Henry Tucker. All right, man?
Should I fight this guy? I don't know which way
to swipe? I mean, he's got a total cauliflower here,
so he's got some experience. I don't know, should I
find him? O, Kadu, stay out of this, Bernie. I
(21:14):
got this look, Kenny. I don't know whether you swipe
left or swipe right, but I just want you to
be in fighting shape by the time of the fight.
You gotta stay tough. Yeah, I will be. Rocco. I'm
working on it, you know, mental preparation to and stuff.
And obviously I keep my swiping fingers strong. Yeah, yeah,
(21:36):
you gotta work out your swiping fight. You stay out.
I just I just think that maybe somebody picked somebody
that doesn't look like this is gonna be your first fight,
you first pick one. So maybe that's just me that
doesn't have a cauliflower or somebody that doesn't have you know,
benjuf Nose. Like, I'm sorry, I just feel like, look,
when we got Bernie and Rocco and he's stupid fighting,
(21:59):
what do you think stupid ruggle? Let me tell you this, Rucco,
you know this just as much as I do. You
got two weeks left on this property before my and
my family I take it over. You understand, Look, Dominic,
that's kind of special, this kind it's gotta be something different, okay,
at his sort of way to figure out how it
was this goddamn app He's gonna he's gonna's gonna fight
(22:21):
set up and the money's gonna be rolling out. Yeah.
I love she ruccle, but you and me both snows
that ain't gonna happen. This is gonna turn into a
subway the sandwich. Okay, that's what I was gonna ask. Hey, baby,
before you head out to the beach, Um, do you
(22:46):
know that your phone is hooked up to your iPad?
And do you know that your iPad is left out
on the bedstand because you were reading last night? No no, no, no,
no no, That's what I'm trying to say. I'm trying
to say, like the no no, no, no no no.
I was rolled. I rolled over to your side of
the banks. I wanted to smell your pillow because you know,
I can't get up in the morning without really bringing
(23:07):
breathing you in. I know that grosses you out, but
it's the truth. Thank thank you for just selling my
pillow and not me. Good God. And then I looked
over at the bedstand because my I saw something light
up and it was your iPad and I saw, I
saw you had a match. I thought we were off
the apps. You know, I pad light up all the time,
and that's and that's not an invitation for you to
(23:27):
go and look at my iPad. It was. It's not invitation. No,
I wasn't. Okay, I have a match. Yes, I have
a match. And I thought we were off the apps.
I thought when we we we love lust night for
the first time. Don't call it, please, don't call it.
(23:47):
Don't it was love. It was love. Yeah, we can
totally check out any iPad here. Um, so you wanted
to transfer any notifications on this app to your phone?
Is that right, sir? Yes? Thank you? Okay, are you
are a genius? Thank you? Um? Okay, uh, it says
(24:08):
fingerprint I d Can you just use that phone if
you can? Just I don't feel like so. Thanks so much, dude.
I'm gonna go look at the cases. So just all
the information from this from this to this phone, and
I'm going to go look at the cases. Awesome. Just
I just need your thumb print. You can use use
yours or whatever. No, No, I can't, I need yours. Okay,
(24:28):
I got his risps. Okay, what then is going on here?
Get your finger out? You finger out? What are you doing?
What is it? Okay? Yeah, well that's the brute He's
part of the brute bar where the genius bar. So
the brute bar comes over here and helps out sometimes
when you press his finger against it. Okay, okay, okay,
good says access denied. Um, Maybe you know what, Maybe
(24:52):
we just pressed too hard. You want to just punch.
It's my it's my loves, the love of my life.
This is her iPad. I'm one of those guys today. Okay.
I don't feel good about myself, but I'm one of
those guys today. You guys can understand. Come on, a
genius and a brute the set tenderfield. What were I'm
(25:16):
we have today? Match? Yes? Yes, I know, I know.
I'm just wow? Is it? Is it already? Time? We
said that we'd meet here at the Denny's at three,
But I don't I just want to make it. I
don't want to fight here. I gotta be honest. I
did not realize what I was getting into. There's all
the different choices. It's relationships, it's friendships. Welcome to Denny's.
(25:39):
Can I party of two. Yes, yes, please tell please
tell me you're here to eat and you're not gonna
fight in the party. We'll eat first, um fight, No, no, don't.
You can eat, you can eat or not eat, but
please don't fight in the parking Greg, we had another
table of yours fight in the parking lot. We got
a doctor here. I'm sorry where I don't know that?
(26:03):
Why does it come out of my paycheck? Greg? You
know how this works? All right? If people if the
table you serve gets fed by us and then goes
out and fights in our parking lot, that's your fault,
you get I mean, how are you calculating the damage?
What do you mean? If somebody gets a scratch on
them in our parking lot, we can be sued. Greg. Look,
(26:25):
somehow the word got out there that this Denny's has
just a good parking lot for for impromptu bare knuckle fights.
I mean, I'm looking at the street here and it
seems like a lot of your tables fight. I got
a suspicion that you're working with Tinder in order to
get these things going. What no, Gret, Uh so your
Bernie's you're a coach or a trainer? Is that right.
(26:48):
Oh yeah, I coach, coach. Oh hi, I'll maybe I
want to talk to you. I'm looking for the best
trainer in the city. I'm the best trainer in the city.
He's louder though, Oh he's a lot louder. Look I'm louder.
I'm better. We work together though, we're a package steel. Okay,
(27:11):
so yeah, I me. You work with Bernie as well. Look,
I've got a terminal disease that's gonna kick in any
minute now, so I'm gonna hand over the business to
Bernie when I kick it, all right, Yeah, we can
put sandwiches there, we can put the bread rocco. You're
looking at other fighters. I mean, we're putting all this
(27:31):
time together. You're looking for new fighters. You don't have
faith to me. Look, kid, you still haven't mastered that app. Okay,
you're swiping, you're swipe and but you're not you're not
clicking on on anyone. I'm trying to decide between the
Ultimate Mahler and this girl name like said, I'm not
sure which is the way to go, but let me say,
(27:51):
let me see our profile. You go, Okay, five two
pounds reach of un Here's Ultimate Molle I think you
can win this one. I think you could win this one. Hey,
bus bus Uh just looking over the uh the data
(28:15):
today for what I do here at Tinder, you know,
UM came across something interesting. I don't want to take
up any of your time. You're looking at the data
of what we do here at Tender. Yeah, it was
I not allowed to do that. So you've you've seen
inside yes, yeah, okay, I didn't. When I knew that
(28:37):
you guys were doing fighting, I was like, that doesn't
make sense. And then when I looked at the data
that of fight close, close the door, close the door,
that of fights end in a romantic match. Yeah, yeah, shit,
I know. I know it's perfect. It's perfect. Americans can't
(29:01):
express love unless it's through anger. It's amazing. I mean,
the data was always there for us, always, always. We
should know how to tap into. Greg. I'm not switching
sections with you, Okay, I'm not switching sections. Look, I
just have a lot of two tops, and those two
tops are usually two people who are gonna fight each
(29:22):
other for whatever reason. I don't do I don't understand why.
You know. I have section three, the non fighting section.
I've had it for years I have seniority. I'm not switching.
We would be fair for me because the non fighting
sections just spoils. Like once I'm off on Tuesdays, you know,
talk to management, you can have it. Then visit my
(29:42):
grandma on Tuesdays. Hey, sweetheart, welcome home. Wow, your eye
looks pretty busted. You can see. Sorry, my visions all
funked up, so I figured I can see you can't
see God. Look, I want to come clean. I know
that this was always supposed to be a one night stand.
(30:03):
I know we met at the bar last night. I
know we made love, we fell in love. I smelled
your pillow in the morning, and then you said that
you couldn't start any of your days without taking a
whiff of my scent. Yeah you see how that really
built up some ship within me. I gotta be honest.
I went further. I took your eye. I took your
(30:26):
iPad down to the Apple store. You're a nightmare. I'm
a dream. I'm a dream. I met you at the
Star Wars, a little pop up fucking bar, like an idiot.
I take you home and you're immediately on my ass.
Do you know who I met tonight? Do you know
(30:47):
who I met tonight. Yes, I saw, I saw in
your notification. Oh my god. Look, I formed a real
bond with the Brute Squad and they and the genius
and the geniuses. And after a long conversation, they gave
me access to all of your stuff. And I was
reading and reading all your writing or your person your diary.
(31:14):
I'm strong. Now. What is that an eleven inch reach?
I've hated to twelve? Greg. We're gonna have to reschedule
you to come in on Tuesday. No, no, I I
visit my grandmother on Tuesday's okay. Well, I don't know
what you want me to tell you, Greg, I don't
know what you want me to tell you. Look, it's
the it's the thing she looks forward to more than anything.
(31:36):
I think she even knows it's me sometimes. Well does
she want miss you? She doesn't know? I know, waits.
I think that we've set up, Like, but what what
section would I have if I worked on Tuesday? You'd
have them. You might be able to get the non
fighting section the NFS. Greg not coming today. No, Craig's
(31:59):
not coming today. I've said this three times. What who's Craig? Greg? Greg? Greg?
Greg's not coming today, Greg's not coming today? Well take
this side from door. Okay. Well, I wish it would
(32:21):
have given me a chance to d you got a match, dude,
you got a match? Shit? Oh ship, you gotta mass? Okay,
I can do this. How A buy you Denny's parking
lot Tuesday, three pm? All right, Greg, I'm sorry for
(32:46):
me in the non fighting section if that is bullshecks.
You said that you don't work tuesdays. Why are you here? Well?
I usually have tacos, but they're out of tacos. So
I just decided to come in. Oh all right, all right,
and I gotta wait on you. All right, all right,
(33:09):
what do you want? Yes, of course tuesdays? Greg, Greg Neman. Yeah,
I'm sorry, but I have this, um tryfolded quilt for you?
Trifolded quilt or try pointed flag quilt. That's my that's
(33:32):
my grandmother's knitting. Where do you have this? I'd recognize
her knitting anywhere. She she? Um? How do I say this? She? Um?
Did she die? Lead with that? Then? Don't say I
have a quilt for you? You got it? Yeah? She God? No, awesome,
(33:55):
I'm good. I knew this would happen. No, you stay
you stay, I'm gonna fight you. What you maybe in
the parking lot? What the hell? What the hell that's
going on? You want to fight me? Let's go. Get up,
Get up your little get up, your little piece of ship.
You don't even fight back. You know if my match
with today, they beat the shift out of me too,
(34:16):
and I liked it. You don't even have the nerds
to fight back. His name was David. Does he hit
harder than me? He does everything better? It might not,
I would say better. It's not about that. I'm getting
out of the fighting game. Rocko. I met the one
(34:39):
I meant the one. You come here on my deathbed
to tell that to me, kid? Yeah, I mean it
was because you that this match happened. If I had
take an ultimate mawler, who knows where my life would
be right now. Ah well, I'm proud of a kid.
(35:00):
I only got so much time left. I'm knitting you
a quilt as a goodbye gift. Say out of this, Bernie, Bernie,
I'm looking for burnt h This is a try folded
It looks like a quilt. Yeah, I don't know what
(35:23):
that yeah. Oh wow, oh my god, oh my god,
it's rocking. One. Yeah, he died. Oh my god, they're
gonna build a subway here. You're gonna build what the Bernie?
He made that for me? Bernie? Come on, I didn't
know it has his name on it. I didn't know
(35:45):
it for you, all right, bought of your gut off.
This is to be a subway. Now I'm the bread squad.
That seems oh man, so many different storylines converging, like
Magnolia Number three is from Patreon alcmaniac Mike Delasso, who wrote, Okay, okay,
(36:15):
how about this one? The Island of Dr Moreau, but
not that doctor paging Dr Grier. You have a telephone
call at the front desk. Okay, yeah, so that's pretty chill.
I mean the island at large is uh, it's large. Yeah,
and islands for the most part of been getting pretty
a creepy reputation because all those creepy billionaires. But this
(36:39):
is not like that. This is all just where. It's
not creepy at all. We're getting animals and humans and
we're spicing them. So can you hold on? Who was
I talking to? I'm looking at I have a fisting
with Alva for herst first, thank you, thank you. I mean,
I am Taylor so good god, um yeah, could you
(37:02):
fix my face? I came all the way to this
island because I got a botched what should have been
a facial. It was a bunch of yeah fillers and
you crazy. We could do something, you know what, you
know what I could do. I don't know if I
could take anything out from the looks like the left
side of your your cheek is huge. But what I
(37:22):
could do, I could I could get like a rhino
or something like that and get like start building on
like a rhino side to the right. You know. So
it kind of brings me back to that. I was
going to ask, I know, if it's very ethical, but
you're doing on the island, well, well you can afford it.
I just don't know if you should do that. Okay, Noted,
(37:43):
I I hear you. But you know, well, well we're
still we're doing it, so you know, I get that.
We definitely talked about the ethics and all that. We
actually had the board of Sam Goody come over here
and discussed, like, you know, I don't know what they
would say about this. They they don't have much in
the science and health world. They primarily do with music. Yeah,
(38:04):
i'd argue that science and health there. Do you think
music is sound science? I don't know, man, no one's
coming to the island and doctor feel good. Maybe it's
a failure of advertising match imagination. I gotta senior frogs.
I don't know what to do. Guys, you have any ideas?
You're the board of Sam Goody. Oh my god, everyone's
(38:27):
having a stroke Taylor. When I heard you were getting
a rhino plastic, I thought you were just getting a
routine nose job, but you actually had a rhinos horn
affixed to your face. And don't you feel William that
nothing is going to make my newest album, Skyrocket more
(38:48):
than this new look. No one else looks like this. Yeah,
I mean I I mean, you're talented, you're a great singer, great, right,
but I have a yeah, yeah, you're dead. You dead.
Your looks are a component of your repeal though, I mean,
(39:10):
I hope that's not you know, reductive to say that,
But but now you've got a freaking rhino horn coming
out of your face. It's just a new look to
go with a new sound, you know, Like I went
from folks ty like French braids, curly banks, and now
I mean, your voice is gonna be more nasal, so
it might be more of a folksy Bob Dylan kind
(39:32):
of thing going on. Could be, I just want to
move forward with my career. In my face, dr career.
The dolphins are like, they're not as cute as nice
as they used to be. It's hard to grab them,
it's hard to operate on them. It's spring here from
the uh yeah, yeah, we gotta get it. We gotta
(39:56):
get more water there in a pond. I mean I've
been saying that for a while. We gotta get That's
why the agrad is a little bit. I mean it's
a pond. Excuse me, you you dr Greer? Yeah, what's up. Hey,
we're the guys from Imagine Dragons. We heard what you
did to Taylor Swift and we were wondering if you
could make us into dragons so people don't have to
(40:18):
imagine it anymore. That's pretty good. Yeah, oh yeah, we're
gonna cut the imagine out of our name and just
be dragons. That's what's up. Or you can actually be
real dragons. Wait wait, wait, what you know some of
Imagine dragons you can be real. We don't have we don't.
We don't have dragons. No, then we'll get some. We'll
get some Komodo dragons. Okay, okay, wait wait wait I
(40:39):
heard what you said. Komodo dragons are not the same
thing fantastic dragon. St Saint Gregory. But look, this is
what we can do, all right, this is what we
can do. We can get some komotos all right. We
can get the backs of them so they have little bumpies, right,
and then we can start. We can start guard Zilla
in you out, you know, I mean, so a little
building build into that, right and then and then right,
(41:01):
trust me on this. Feel my vision, feel my vision. Well,
there are five of us to start with the drummer.
If it doesn't go well, just move up the rhythm section. Okay, okay, right, easy, easy, okay,
who's the drummer. Wait a minute, I'm the I'm the drummer.
Come with me, Come with me. No, no, no, that
was not content. Come on, come on, but go with me.
It's fine. It's Trevor. Good. Look alright, Trevor, how are
(41:25):
you you're doing good? You're comfortable? No, I'm not. You've
tied me to this chair. Good God, what the fund
is that Okay, we don't have I can't find come on,
come on, and as much smaller. That's a much smaller lizards.
I got a pig in any wanna pig. I'm not
(41:47):
imagine pigs. Okay, okay, uh Trainer, what was your name, Trevor? Okay, listen,
this is what we're gonna do. But we got a
lot more surface area on the pig, so you're gonna
be a little bit more pig than you're gonna be iguana.
Because do you think his name is trainer? I don't
know what his name is. I'm a doctor, all right, Okay, okay, great, okay, great,
(42:08):
let's just agree. Let's just agree, and let's just say
your name is um. Let's make up my name. It's
easier to say, how about um kuala koalaka? My name
is that Koala? It's Trevor Is. I've got a mother
who loves me and it doesn't want my face to
get to get me a pig and the iguana all
over it. It's gonna get all over it. It will
(42:28):
be it. Tever Man, we gotta kick you out of
the band. You can't keep rhythm of those little pig
hoofs for hands. Before. No, it's pretty bad man, and
we're not calling you koala. It makes no sense. Whatso
(42:50):
he is that you mother? It's is this? Alright? I
hate pigs. I hate Look, I'm as much iguana as
(43:11):
I am big. I mean, there's a lot more pig
than iguanator. It was gonna be a fifty split. Okay, alright,
just pick up the sticks and play. Don't worry about it. Yes,
our last drummer was turned into a pig iguana hybrid
and shot by his mother in horror. But just try
to keep the rhythm. We'll start with radio actors. So
(43:32):
we don't know if I can bro. You need some confidence.
We're taking you to the island of Dr Gray. He'll
give you some confidence. Let's get the private plane boys,
it's true. Touchdown all right? Oh okay, everyone, alright, thank
god we landed. There is something that's horribly wrong with
this plane, alright, just so we know mechanically, there's something
(43:54):
horribly wrong with this plane. I don't know if we're
gonna be able to take off again, all right, So
we're gonna have to hold him down here in the island.
Why is that? What the hell is that? So the
cat helped me out. Here is this say, now, come on?
Oh god, it's not even working. Everything's fucking this plane. Fuck,
oh god, I'm gonna die. Relax, Relax, relax. Okay, someone's
(44:18):
at the plane door. Let me open it up here.
Wha welcome? Well, my god, yeah, sorry about that is
uh it's a new uh new person. I splice stuff.
(44:39):
So I didn't know you guys have been here before.
So let's get to it. Okay, Yeah, I don't. I
don't think I'm actually down for any um. I heard
that you turned somebody into a pig iguana. I'm kind
of like, I really need you want to do for no, no, no,
I need to like really be human and kind of
working on my humanity in fact most of the time
(45:02):
most of the time. Okay, I'll write that down. Yeah.
I use my hands a lot for drumming, but also
for steering a car eating. Uh's like, b I don't.
I don't really want to be spliced with. Okay, Well,
I don't think humanity has It's like what they're talking
about using your hands. Yeah, it's kind of like humanity.
It's like what makes me human? Right? Yeah? Again, I
(45:25):
think people A lot of people argue just being able
to use your hand doesn't make you human. No, no,
but I kind of them attached to that experience really
rather not. Oh yeah, if you want to do something
with hands, we can. We can do home. But I
think hands really I used the drumstill, like what something
(45:45):
they can hold drumsticks? Something can hold drumsix. Hey, maybe
I'm just interjecting. Here are plants kind of fun. So
if you could, I don't know, fly some with something
that could fly like that actual dragon, then we can
all get home a lot fast. Out there. That's just
a dragon. We don't have any dragon spots. Well, what
we can we can get it. We can get some
Komodo dragons, all right, I heard that that's not the
(46:09):
same thing. That's just the same. Best we can do
as an ostrich What about pigs that we had a pigs. No.
I like to thank my manager, William, my family, and
my friends who all stood by me. And by friends,
(46:33):
I mean fans because I don't actually have friends who
all stood by me this year during my big change.
And this is proof that you can get a rhino's
horn af fixed to your face and still when a grammy. Okay,
I have the Tranquilizer pointed at her, waiting, put it
(46:56):
in the gun. Put it in the gun. Thank you
so much. Right face, right face, I'm gonna let you finish.
I'm gonna let you finish. Sin yet trainer at the
best video of all time? Wake up? Wake up? Hi?
(47:20):
Where right a face? Taylor whatever you want to be called?
Definitely Taylor Swift. It's still my name. Look around so
offensive when he called me that you're in a little
neck basement. No one knows where you are. Okay, okay,
now you see you see that handsaw over there. I'm
(47:43):
going to use that to take your horn off. Now,
no I need this horn. It makes my voice sound
really weird, but it really helped the hell's going on
in here? Man off? We turn the light off? Why
do you have? Hey? Hey, hey, hey, you know what
(48:06):
do you know? Who that is? Yes? Taylor Swift. We
tranked her at the Grammys. We brought her over here.
We talked about yes, Oh, what's the whole time? What
are you talking about? What's the issue? What's the issue?
What is what the hand saw? Oh? I would think
we could we could snore if we snort her right O,
horn will get hard for a long time, dude. What
the fuck? I want to get hard for a long
time dude. That is insane. Great man, great, and that's
(48:29):
not my problem. Hey, really, I'm gonna take this straps
off you. We brought you over here. We are with
the FBI. What the funk. We're trying to get some
information on Greer in the island. I just want to
let you know that if you're having impetucy problems and
you want a heart on that lasts a long time,
there's an island. It's an island of doctor feel good,
(48:51):
and you should probably try that. He's a little out
of Yeah, he's a little out there, and it seems
like this isn't you know. It seems like this isn't
normal protocol. But it's it's good alright, dine fixing. Huh,
go to the right island, bro. I'm excited. I'm excited.
(49:13):
So how long do you want the boner to go?
I think forever. I think forever. I think this is
the thing I want. I do have one questions, just
not too much trouble. Well, well, we're on the island,
but I just don't know if we should make it
less forever. The maybe you can, but this is that
(49:34):
the very best idea to do that? Um well, early
harsh in the vibe of the island. Bro, We're on
island time, man. We're not asking ethical questions, you know.
I'm just trying to say that are sometimes you don't
want it to be hot and have you ethically thought about?
(49:54):
But then not, this is the way it should be,
like what if I don't know, what if you alrighty
trying a guy trying to but I've got a horn
of a rhino where my cheek should go for even
all right, Taylor to let me stop you there. I'm
(50:16):
gonna turn up, I'm gonna turn on the game. I'm
gonna turn the game way down. I'm having a nightmare
trying to mix this thing. Um and I'm good at
this stuff. I'm Bonnie there. But let me go ahead
and can I call you can call me justin Vernon,
justin TV. That's fine. Um, so let's bond. Let me
know when you got those CDs burned, okay, because I
(50:39):
want to I want to get them, get them out there. Sure,
we'll get him to CD booth immediately. As soon as
it's mixed. Fan, it's mixed. Got a large coffee for
Bonn Bonnie Bear. Um this for you, quick question. I
thought that was more of like a concept than a name.
Am I mistaken? Is always the brief cork? What do
(50:59):
you do? You drop off the coffee? You don't talk
to the artists. But like, dude, I mean, no, dude,
this is one of the most expensive, luxurious, elite exclusively.
I know I've delivered to Kanye, I've delivered to kok
cast the podcast about so it doesn't matter yet. Do
a lot of fancy people, but can't I question them
(51:20):
occasionally question them? No, you can't. My first name is Kawala.
My last Namber's trainer. Uh, and I'm a piguana. Man.
We thank you for coming out, Cook gast Man, you
are you're out there, man, you're out there for remember
cut casts. But you know it's not out there. It's
(51:43):
Casper natresses. They're great for keeping you safe at night.
Ad right away, Dr Craig. Everyone's gone, Oh my God,
Jesus Christ. All the animals. Huh, everyone's gone. All the
animals have left. Even the dolphins in that small pond
(52:05):
they walked out. It was a site, but they're going.
We shouldn't have give him pig feet. Oh my god,
it's just you and me. Now we don't even have
a plane. Well they got it to work, Yeah, they
got it to work. Good, good, Okay, so it's just us. Yeah. Wow. Um.
(52:29):
I was looking at some coordinates and there seems to
be a small island a mile and a half away.
If we can maybe swim it or make a float
or a raft to get off this island? Yeah? This big?
I just you want to go to a smaller island.
I mean I want to find people civilization on a
small round alright, five six, seven eight. Take your head
(52:54):
out of the sand. Man, you're a drummer. I don't
care if you have ostrich DDA. You can't get stared
and hide every time I'm about to start a song,
and just yeah, I can't quite do I dame used
to be doing. Oh man, I'm I can't get the regium.
(53:15):
I got this the tiniest island I've ever seen in
my life. But it's not even enough space for both
of us. Man, what do you mean more people who
are going to be here? I didn't know. I just
saw there was a land mass, and I decided that
maybe you would be a good idea. How did we
burn the boats? Why didn't we burn? Was ceremonial. We
found this place, we were excited. What what brings it
to ship? I guess I got from Pocalypse? Now, what's
(53:39):
his name? I'll give you three I'll give you three guests. Charleston.
Is that it? Charleston Heston? Well, Charles Heston wasn't matter.
It was not a pocalypse. It's James Dean idiot. James
James Ston died in nineteen fifty six. Oh my god,
(53:59):
you're a ghast. Oh my god, I'm not James Team. Okay,
hold on at let's talk. Okay, who does he remind
you of? Like what movie? Bruce Willis William? Yes, yeah,
I gotta get away. I gotta get away. Well, you've
worked hard, You've worked hard. I've heard that Joe Peshi
(54:24):
is on his own tiny island. It's had an island
custom made for his size. Yes, I want to do that.
I want to get peshed out and on my own island.
I don't want to share it with Joe. I've had
a weird experience with him in the past, right right,
(54:45):
in that one movie you made, in that one movie
I made. Okay, Taylor, take a look around. Um, it's
a seven tree three coconut island. Um, it's you know,
it's nice. Tides come in like regular. Um, great, great
view of nothing. Um, take a look at Army offices
for you. Um. I just I really wanted a small island.
(55:10):
I like the size of this island, but I wanted
there to be Luck's accommodations as well, because I'm not
just going to be here vacationing. Um, after like a
month of chill axing, I will be recording here as well.
I understand. Look, look who it is. Look, Cleo's coming
to my island. I didn't under Joe. I didn't think
(55:30):
this was your island. I knew that your I knew
you had an island, but I didn't know this was
your If I knew that this was your specific island,
I wouldn't I would not have come here. So it
makes sense with these nons. Was up, Taylor? What are
you doing here? Hey? How's it going good? Yeah? I
(55:52):
did the rhino plastic. Oh the dr great rhino face.
Rhino face. Okay, let's not call it rhino face. It's
rhino Steve, thank you, thank you, Dr Greer. I'm sorry, Taylor,
do you want to buy this? I mean not if
it's just putting in a bid too. He's a guy's
(56:14):
alan crazy, so just you know, turning it out there.
So was it the street car that was named that?
Or was someone else names are? I don't understand when
am I cloud? I'm head of a meal show. I'm
just asking you brought this up earlier. I don't know
how you were talking about. I'm just coming around back
to the conversation, like I was just trying to drop hands,
(56:35):
all right, and you were not picking up on the hands.
I don't know what. Look, I got it wrong. Okay,
you're Joe Pesci. I don't want to share the island
with anybody. I wanted to be more of like a
home alone situation where I'm home alone on the island,
but the wet bandits are and the oscar goes to
(57:00):
Heshi first for all back. Joe. Oh wow, that was
my pleasure. Thank you? Okay? I trained them turned down
for what reason? What? Why did you drink? Joe PESHI?
I thought that was the deal. What do you mean
we just Oh my god, Oh my god, I'm high.
(57:22):
I'm high, alright, I oh my God, I don't know.
I give you a couple of pills and you drink
just to commune down. And that's our show. Everybody, somebody
islands so little time. Thank you to alost. See what
they're up to, Craig Kikowski. What's their plan to extract
(57:45):
these celebrities after tranking them while getting their awards the
best time? Millions of people on life TV um Man.
If you have not seen that documentary about the making
of the Marlon Brando Island of Dr Moreau, uh it is.
(58:08):
It is a must see. It's about how the guy
who was directing was fired and then too yeah wow,
oh no, he was taken over by Frankenheimer. Richard Stanley
was the guy. So I'm trying to find out the
name of this documentary, but I have nothing to do
(58:28):
with any but but you should see that and our
Our Lost Soul, The Doomed Journey of Richard Stanley's Island
of Dr Moreau is the movie you should see. There's
a frank and Hammer was cluttered as saying Roy Rodgers
never met him, and he didn't like Roy Rogers never
met Val kilmer m because they had a real hard
(58:49):
time on that set. Uh, James Deanney, Well, thank you
for having me today. I would just like to say,
if you want to contact me, one great way is
through reviews, because I've been contacted and the review title
of this five star reviews unbelievable. Just like the intro music,
this is pure class, difficult to listen to average material.
(59:12):
After enjoying this jump and this is from Sarah and
Evan via Apple Podcast, I would argue that both of
them could have made their own if they really care.
You know, you don't need to share a review. But
I mean it's a great one, but who was it really?
Shar is there from Evan? I think that each of
(59:33):
them should have Ye, Sarah and or Evan is going
to come back with a one star Chris Alorado. Yeah,
Jackie was saying don't bite the hand, and I was thinking,
don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Interesting, but
I guess those both kind of work And for more
introspective thoughts like that, to check out The Comedy Fix,
(59:56):
where we just question everything. It's a podcast where we
question every thing you've ever known or thought you knew
about performance and comedy. Check it out The Comedy Fixed.
Bye Bye, Nice Jackie Gonzalez de Ruthie, thank you for
having me. Um, this was a this is a grand
old time. I'm at Jackie Druthy on on really Instagram.
(01:00:17):
My gosh, I'm so inactive on Twitter though I have
an account. Um and that's that. And you can you
can leave me a review in tandem if you want.
I won't tear you down for it. Oh, thank you
for having me, of course. Joey Greer, I can't. I
can't echo anything. You can only say it myself, and
(01:00:41):
that is check out Alchemy this Instagram and Alchemy this
pod on Reddit and maybe, just maybe you'll find the
love of your life what it's true for second there,
I thought you were just recommending the podcast. You're listening
to it now. But I'm a cold Stratton. I'm at
(01:01:03):
Cold Stranding at Stratton Cole on whichever social media site
you were on. Go to Scotchest dot com rent some
of our past shows while they're still available. Um yeah,
let's uh thank you our engineering producer Doug Bam and
the fine folks at I Heart Media dot com. Please
(01:01:24):
write to us at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com.
That's email dot com. Until next time,
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This I'm your guests,
Cool Stratton in from KP who is frolicking in nature
currently must meet our alchemist Shelley and no particular order.
Say hello to Jackie Ganzellas to Ruthie. Jackie, what movie
do you wish never existed? You could erase it from
being a film? Oh? You know, I recently watched Battlefield
(00:23):
Earth and I love a bad movie. I love to
laugh at a bad movie. But I couldn't. I could laugh,
I would erase half of the movie. I would keep
all of John travel to like maniacal laughing, but I
gotta get rid of everything else. It was hard. It
was a tough watch. Somehow that would make more sense
if you did that in the movie. I think, I
(00:44):
think so, Yeah, I agreed. Hey, Next up, it's Chris Alvarado. Everybody, Chris,
if you could visit any fictitious place, where would you go? Heaven,
God TROVERSY know he would have gotten there, but it
(01:04):
would have taken him seven to ten minutes, right right, Okay?
Then alright? Next up it's Craig Kakowski. Craig, if you
were to play baseball professionally, what would your walk up music? Um,
I think I'd start playing Seven Nation Army, uh, you know,
(01:28):
which is so great song with so cliche at this point,
and then have it segue into uh Napoleon the four teens,
They're coming to take me away. I love it. My
softball team years ago, for like a couple of games,
we did walk up music, and of course, being a smartass,
I just did skin him Ranky Dink from Sharon Lawison Brown.
(01:51):
Really get some that. I did Iron and Wine. The
next week I walk up music Iron. It was fun. Alright. Guys, say, hello,
did James Ceney? James Ceney, what's the most valuable collectible
you own, either emotionally or actual monetary value? Well, it's
my collectible? Like what does that? What does that exactly mean? Like?
(02:14):
I use everything I have. It's not like packaged. It's
something that So if I'm collectible, I guess I have
there's a video game called Don't Starve, and I have
the artist his strong picture of me. I might be
able to read it reach it right here, So I
guess this is kind of like a collectible. Uh. But
(02:39):
but otherwise I don't I don't have collectibles. You don't
have a single like Funko Pop. You have nothing. No, Actually,
the truth is is the only collectibles like that I have.
I I stole doing the Neurology show with you, Cole,
So I do I think it's a fallout. I think
it's a fallout bubble head. Uh. Finally, last, but not last,
(03:03):
Joey Greer, Joey, we all heard that you got cut
from the USA Olympic team. What happened? Well, I know
that everyone's first thought is gonna be the drug test,
and uh, that's not what it was at all. I
actually started growing bones, and the Olympic committee at large
(03:24):
decided that that was somehow an advantage, even though the
bones were actually hindrance because now I have new bones
and I got like new I guess appenages coming out
of my rib cage. And no, it's not like Goro
from Mortal Kombat. I'm not gonna have, you know, two
sets of arms extra but I don't know what they'll be. Uh,
and they do hinge like the dog's legs, so you know,
(03:45):
like the haunches of a dog. So I'm not a
hundred and ten percent about what's going on physically, but
I do think the Olympic Committee as a whole needs
to rethink how they handle people with growing bones out
of the ribs. That makes sense. It could be a
quat know you should look into that could be that,
(04:06):
not just the two um. All right, well, let's do
a damn show, shall we. All of our scene suggestions
are gathered from listeners, emails, or from our Patreon v
I p S. To become a Patreon supporter of the
show and enjoy exclusive content and other perks, just head
on over to patreon dot com slash alchemy this. If
you'd like to submit a scene suggestion via email, please
write to the podcast that our new email address alchemy
(04:27):
this email at gmail dot com. That's okay. Scene one
is from Patreon v I P J, who wrote, Holy hell,
that episode on Tuesday was absolute gold. I was losing
my ship listening to your flow through the whole thing,
whatever you were all on. I want some my scene suggestion.
(04:50):
John Lennon wrote the song Dr Robert, as the story
goes about his drug dealer. Unfortunately, his real name was
actually Dr Robert, and he only found out about the
song after hearing it on the radio. All right, so
what are you looking for Are you looking for a
good time, A good time, A good time, A good time,
(05:12):
good time? Come, I see what we got here. I
gotta tell you, I'm really I'm nervous. Is this usual?
People usually nervous? Yeah? I mean you've done this before.
I don't lie, so I gotta just tell you know,
this is my first time. A Lincoln. I can't tell
a lie, Abraham Lincoln, I cannot tell. Yeah, Okay, you've
(05:36):
never done this before. We should we should probably easy end.
If you've never done this before, why why don't you
get you some weed? Let's get you some straight up?
I don't know. I was thinking, you know, I want
to see things and talk to things and stuff. That's
your first time. Let's just do some weed. Let's not
let's not jump on the horse that doesn't have wings yet.
You know what I mean? That is so beautiful thing?
Is that like your whole life? Uh? Give me one second, nurse, Yeah, yeah, yeah?
(06:01):
Can you just uh, I know I got at three o'clock.
Can you just let them know I'll be out there
in one second. Okay, okay, and don't tell anyone I'm
out by the trash. Can say I'm I'm like you know,
in the bathroom or something like that. Would what are
you doing out here? I'm just talking to a patient,
patient friend of mine, patient friends. Yeah, okay, yeah, all right,
what's going on? No, I'm fine, I'm fine, nurse. We're
(06:24):
gonna we gotta get you now. You don't know what's
going on. Have to bump up my three clues to
get you to the r right now, come, what do
you mean I have to wait? I can't believe I
even had a three pm appointment. I'm Taylor Swift. I'm
so sorry. It's it's uh. I guess I've been going
to Dr Robert for five years. I'm usually the first
(06:48):
end of the day. Y'all switch it up on me,
give me a three pm and then tell me I
have to wait? Okay, okay, okay, what if I what
if I just got you whatever you needed, and you
know what, I'm gonna go to a different doctor. I'm
done here, and I think you're going to hear all
about it in my next album. All right, Taylor, let's
(07:11):
go ahead and check your blood pressure here. It looks
pretty good. The cuff isn't on. You're just kind of
touching my arm. Doctor. Feel good? You know, I'm the
one that makes you feel all right, thanks for coming
to me. Dr Arbart takes all my clients all the time,
you know, thank you. All Right, it looks I'm just
(07:33):
guessing your blood pressure looks good. So um, okay, because
we said it definitively before. So I actually really need
to know. Um, I have blood pressure issues when I'm
on tour and I need to get it right, get
it tight before my next show. All right, Well, would
you mind removing the card again? I gotta get the
cuff on there. Just you know, Stanton, what do you
(07:56):
mean you have to smoke? That's you're actually telling me.
Your doctor gave you a prescription to smoke. This is
that what you're telling me? Stanton? Yeah, that's what I'm
telling you. Baby. Have I ever lied to you? I
don't know? Have you no? Wow? Wow? Okay, so you have?
So you have? So you have? This is not just
(08:16):
for me. When did you lie to me? When I've
never lied to you? Is that? I? Like? What's going on? Baby?
Came here here, take a little puff of this, take
a little medisinal. I can't it was blow in your
face like a chance. Oh gosh? Okay, oh my gosh. Okay,
(08:40):
that is the teeth or indica. I don't know. How
do you feel? Do you feel upward? You feel like
you just want to be in the couch? Or I
don't know how do you feel? You don't know how
you feel. We gotta go to the er. What we
gotta go? You don't know how you feel? In the car?
Get in the car. Who's driving? I'm gonna drive? Hey,
let's go. Just get in the car. I am just
(09:04):
a little buzz. There's a difference, all right, do you
do this a lot? Look I lie to you. Okay?
Um Dr Roberts, Um, um, Dr Roberts. I'm sorry for
what is all that cash doing on your tea? This
(09:27):
is insurance cash? Insurance cash, Yes, the insurance, that's the
pay that What's what's going on? What's going on? Listen?
I um, well, I'm sorry about Taylor. She's moved on.
But I've got something. Do you have a Do you
have a cassette player? Of course every doctor has a
cassette player. Let me just take it off my hip.
(09:47):
Could you could you just pop this inside one? And
here here's some headphones. Okay, let's catch are they talking about?
Take off? The headphones. Huh, take off the headphones. Huh,
take take off the headphones. What's going Yeah? What's going on?
(10:09):
Is that song about you? Is that about this place? Listen?
I went to med school, Like I didn't, I want
to sling drugs. Nobody grows up and says I'm want
to be a drug dealer when I get older. I
wanted to be a nurse. What is this? I'm gonna
be honest with you, all right, Lewis, we sell drugs here.
This is a doctor's office. Taylor as your lawyer, I
(10:35):
don't know if you can put out this song. You know,
it's pretty explicit about real people. Yeah, but it's my
life experience. It's my experience, and I'm the one doing
the hardcore drugs in the song, So I don't feel
like I'm really outing anyone else. More negative mentioned Dr
You mentioned Dr Roberts by by Robert the third and
then I give his address because I do want people
(10:57):
to know because it's a pretty generic so so it's
just a total and complete docent. But how do they know?
You know, think about how many people out there are
named Dr Robert. There have to be so many, so
they won't know exactly who unless I give the specifics.
And then you mentioned your other doctor, doctor feel Good,
real real guy, and hem, yeah, he was a big problem,
(11:19):
so I needed to address it. Hi, doctor feel Good.
My girlfriend brought me here. She thinks I'm I'm not well,
but I think I'm fine. All right. Well she goes
up on the on the little thing there and uh,
you know, put this robe on. I just want you
to relax, I, doctor feel Good. How do you know
(11:40):
my girlfriend? How do I know your girlfriend? Uh? Doctor
paynste confidentiality man, Sorr, bro you know? Oh wow, yeah,
I guess you can't tell me. Okay, fine, we used
the party back. She told me she was never a
party girl. She's and she was just a square. She
(12:02):
was a party girl, man, I mean, craziest girl at
Chicko State State Emery, maybe you should be having this
conversation with her. Bro. It's just it just seemed like me,
I don't want to, you know, Yes, can I please
have the new Taylor Swift CD. Okay, We've got it
(12:27):
right here behind the counter. Okay, okay, can you get
that for me? Sure you are, but you are over
eighteen right? Um? Yeah? Why why the hesitation I mean
you appear to be well over. Yeah, you know, I
was really joking when I said that, but then you
hesitated and made me think that maybe your seventeen year
(12:48):
old with that old person's disease, Benjamin Button's disease, because
that's that's living backwards, right, I guess like, Oh my god, Cheryl,
you've got the new Taylor Swiss c D. Oh my god.
The rest of us just downloaded it. We've been listening
to it for hours. Have you played it yet? How
(13:09):
does this sound CD player? I don't have a CD player.
My laptop doesn't have a CD drive. I don't know
how I'm gonna play this. Maybe you should just return it,
returning you know how hard it was to get this.
You are wearing a disguise. Well, well whoa look who's back?
Yeah I can stay through your disguise. Look, William, you're
(13:33):
my manager and you're out there selling but making it
hard to buy my CDs. You should be if anyone
should be able to buy these, it doesn't. There's no
age limit. Look, Taylor c d s are coming back.
They are. They just are. But they're also not for
everyonether or not for everyone c D are for everyone
(13:54):
and yes, now you do it? Okay, I'll tie um
excuse me? Um? Can I see that? Um CD back there? Um? Also,
is it true that your Taylor Swiss manager? Like, why
do you work here? If that's true? Look, due to
uh do to artist manager confidentiality, I can't tell you that. Okay, yeah, yeah,
(14:22):
why do you work Why do you work here at this? Uh?
This booth on the corner? Yeah? Selling CD is by
accounting booth on the corner. Look, man, C D s
are coming back out of my face? How old are you? Anyway? Kids? Damn?
Goody board members, CD booth is going into our sales.
(14:47):
Good he got it, but we don't. Evidently why didn't
we get the new Taylor Swift and stock. I've been
on this board for twenty eight years and I have
never been mentioned by name. I just want that on
the record every time we come in. It's all the
world I've been for twenty eight years. Does anyone know
who I am? Does anyone know who I am? Wow? Wow?
(15:11):
Well I know what you do? All right, everybody, Welcome
to the Exclusive Lounge at the Exclusive Lounge Club. As
you know, this is a listening party. We're going to
hear Taylor's newest track, everybody and a matter of fact,
take a look over there. Taylor's here. So um, we
(15:35):
are very excited to have you. Obviously, this is the
Exclusive Luck Club Lounge at the Exclusive Club and umunt
so we just can't wait till, like, you know, hear
what you got to say. We're all fans. Well, press play,
you know, Okay, Okay, let's press play. You feel like
that's the way to hear it. Okay, don't don't play
(15:58):
the more than thirty seconds of it, don't get don't
give it up for free. This is mine. Come on, alright, alright,
it's not for free. They will buy it. I'm not
playing the whole album. Ralph Price play you got it? Boss.
Dr Leonard Robert Leonard the third, he's my doctor. He
(16:23):
lives on Maple Street and his address. He's a really
bad man who sells me good drugs and I get
high in the back of his office on his chair sitting.
Uh and that's clearly our address. Five. Now this money,
(16:50):
get this money off? What are you doing? What are
you doing? Oh God, can you get my front door?
I don't work for you anymore. All well, then you're
still a guest. You're still a guest in my home? Hello,
Dr Roberts House. It's me, Doctor feel Good. I've been
looking for this beast for twenty years. Send him on out.
(17:12):
We got some cage fighting to do. Okay, hold on
one second, um, excuse me, Dr feel goods outside? What
Dr Peter? I mean? He looks like he's ready to rumble,
So put on his bras and kunckles. We're gonna do it.
(17:33):
We're gonna do it. I made it myself, all right.
I gotta smelter in the back. Let's do this. Hey,
Dr feel Good, Baby, you know I told you I
would never lie to you, right, yeah, just that, Thomas Jefferson.
(17:53):
I gotta tell you something that happened. But when I
was in the emergency room, Taylor Swift came in. She
wasn't feeling well, and they put her in the bed
next to me, and we started talking and it got personal,
and I told her about you, and she said I
(18:15):
could do better, and I said, how could I do
better than her? I love her? And then she said,
you love me and I do. Taylor, you can come out.
Oh okay, this is my girl, my ex girlfriend. This
is Taylor my new girlfriend t you know, Taylor Swift.
(18:37):
So you brought someone in here with the disguise to
break up with me because you don't have the balls
to do it yourself. No, that's that's it is the
stupidest lie I've ever heard and seen in my life.
I just look a little different because my usual doctor
switched up on me. So now I'm going to a
bad guy and they botched my I usually just get
a facial and they just gave me a bunch of
(18:58):
fillers instead, and bigger than the other. So I'm not
a you know what. Look, I don't find this all right, Stanton,
you know what. I'm out of here. Wait, okay, yeah bye,
I'm out here to get a hold on Jackie. That
was incredible Taylor Swift singing. That was incredible. Great production
(19:22):
value by Aaron Desner from The National. I mean you
guys teaming up, It's fantastic, alright. See Number two comes
from listener Will who wrote, Hey Kevin, happy Father's Day
to my dad. James Heeney seen suggestion tinder for fighting.
(19:42):
Thanks for a million laughs, Will. All right, William, I
saw that you worked in Capitol Records before. That's that's
pretty good. Uh, some CD sales as well. That's that's interesting.
I don't know how long ago that was, I said,
pretty recently. But why don't we hear a Tinder? We're
doing things different because we're all digital. But you know
(20:03):
you're you worked in promotion and that's kind of what
we want you to do here, because we really want
you to hit the ground running because we're not getting
people into the love game anymore. We're getting people into
the fight game. Okay, so we'll just take a second
to look over the app, but we sent it over
to you. I believe in email for him. But if
you have any questions, just just let me know, all right,
(20:27):
all right, well, no questions? You got it? Um? Okay?
Wait wait wait, wait wait, I got I got one question? Yeah?
Can I join? Or is it like a conflict of interest? Uh?
I mean of course you can join. Yeah, you can't
use our our algorithm, our servers, but definitely yeah, we
totally encourage you to join. Do you have a Do
(20:48):
you have a profile? Uh? Yeah, I do. Let me see.
Oh shoot, there you are, wow Henry Tucker. All right, man?
Should I fight this guy? I don't know which way
to swipe? I mean, he's got a total cauliflower here,
so he's got some experience. I don't know, should I
find him? O, Kadu, stay out of this, Bernie. I
(21:14):
got this look, Kenny. I don't know whether you swipe
left or swipe right, but I just want you to
be in fighting shape by the time of the fight.
You gotta stay tough. Yeah, I will be. Rocco. I'm
working on it, you know, mental preparation to and stuff.
And obviously I keep my swiping fingers strong. Yeah, yeah,
(21:36):
you gotta work out your swiping fight. You stay out.
I just I just think that maybe somebody picked somebody
that doesn't look like this is gonna be your first fight,
you first pick one. So maybe that's just me that
doesn't have a cauliflower or somebody that doesn't have you know,
benjuf Nose. Like, I'm sorry, I just feel like, look,
when we got Bernie and Rocco and he's stupid fighting,
(21:59):
what do you think stupid ruggle? Let me tell you this, Rucco,
you know this just as much as I do. You
got two weeks left on this property before my and
my family I take it over. You understand, Look, Dominic,
that's kind of special, this kind it's gotta be something different, okay,
at his sort of way to figure out how it
was this goddamn app He's gonna he's gonna's gonna fight
(22:21):
set up and the money's gonna be rolling out. Yeah.
I love she ruccle, but you and me both snows
that ain't gonna happen. This is gonna turn into a
subway the sandwich. Okay, that's what I was gonna ask. Hey, baby,
before you head out to the beach, Um, do you
(22:46):
know that your phone is hooked up to your iPad?
And do you know that your iPad is left out
on the bedstand because you were reading last night? No no, no, no,
no no, That's what I'm trying to say. I'm trying
to say, like the no no, no, no no no.
I was rolled. I rolled over to your side of
the banks. I wanted to smell your pillow because you know,
I can't get up in the morning without really bringing
(23:07):
breathing you in. I know that grosses you out, but
it's the truth. Thank thank you for just selling my
pillow and not me. Good God. And then I looked
over at the bedstand because my I saw something light
up and it was your iPad and I saw, I
saw you had a match. I thought we were off
the apps. You know, I pad light up all the time,
and that's and that's not an invitation for you to
(23:27):
go and look at my iPad. It was. It's not invitation. No,
I wasn't. Okay, I have a match. Yes, I have
a match. And I thought we were off the apps.
I thought when we we we love lust night for
the first time. Don't call it, please, don't call it.
(23:47):
Don't it was love. It was love. Yeah, we can
totally check out any iPad here. Um, so you wanted
to transfer any notifications on this app to your phone?
Is that right, sir? Yes? Thank you? Okay, are you
are a genius? Thank you? Um? Okay, uh, it says
(24:08):
fingerprint I d Can you just use that phone if
you can? Just I don't feel like so. Thanks so much, dude.
I'm gonna go look at the cases. So just all
the information from this from this to this phone, and
I'm going to go look at the cases. Awesome. Just
I just need your thumb print. You can use use
yours or whatever. No, No, I can't, I need yours. Okay,
(24:28):
I got his risps. Okay, what then is going on here?
Get your finger out? You finger out? What are you doing?
What is it? Okay? Yeah, well that's the brute He's
part of the brute bar where the genius bar. So
the brute bar comes over here and helps out sometimes
when you press his finger against it. Okay, okay, okay,
good says access denied. Um, Maybe you know what, Maybe
(24:52):
we just pressed too hard. You want to just punch.
It's my it's my loves, the love of my life.
This is her iPad. I'm one of those guys today. Okay.
I don't feel good about myself, but I'm one of
those guys today. You guys can understand. Come on, a
genius and a brute the set tenderfield. What were I'm
(25:16):
we have today? Match? Yes? Yes, I know, I know.
I'm just wow? Is it? Is it already? Time? We
said that we'd meet here at the Denny's at three,
But I don't I just want to make it. I
don't want to fight here. I gotta be honest. I
did not realize what I was getting into. There's all
the different choices. It's relationships, it's friendships. Welcome to Denny's.
(25:39):
Can I party of two. Yes, yes, please tell please
tell me you're here to eat and you're not gonna
fight in the party. We'll eat first, um fight, No, no, don't.
You can eat, you can eat or not eat, but
please don't fight in the parking Greg, we had another
table of yours fight in the parking lot. We got
a doctor here. I'm sorry where I don't know that?
(26:03):
Why does it come out of my paycheck? Greg? You
know how this works? All right? If people if the
table you serve gets fed by us and then goes
out and fights in our parking lot, that's your fault,
you get I mean, how are you calculating the damage?
What do you mean? If somebody gets a scratch on
them in our parking lot, we can be sued. Greg. Look,
(26:25):
somehow the word got out there that this Denny's has
just a good parking lot for for impromptu bare knuckle fights.
I mean, I'm looking at the street here and it
seems like a lot of your tables fight. I got
a suspicion that you're working with Tinder in order to
get these things going. What no, Gret, Uh so your
Bernie's you're a coach or a trainer? Is that right.
(26:48):
Oh yeah, I coach, coach. Oh hi, I'll maybe I
want to talk to you. I'm looking for the best
trainer in the city. I'm the best trainer in the city.
He's louder though, Oh he's a lot louder. Look I'm louder.
I'm better. We work together though, we're a package steel. Okay,
(27:11):
so yeah, I me. You work with Bernie as well. Look,
I've got a terminal disease that's gonna kick in any
minute now, so I'm gonna hand over the business to
Bernie when I kick it, all right, Yeah, we can
put sandwiches there, we can put the bread rocco. You're
looking at other fighters. I mean, we're putting all this
(27:31):
time together. You're looking for new fighters. You don't have
faith to me. Look, kid, you still haven't mastered that app. Okay,
you're swiping, you're swipe and but you're not you're not
clicking on on anyone. I'm trying to decide between the
Ultimate Mahler and this girl name like said, I'm not
sure which is the way to go, but let me say,
(27:51):
let me see our profile. You go, Okay, five two
pounds reach of un Here's Ultimate Molle I think you
can win this one. I think you could win this one. Hey,
bus bus Uh just looking over the uh the data
(28:15):
today for what I do here at Tinder, you know,
UM came across something interesting. I don't want to take
up any of your time. You're looking at the data
of what we do here at Tender. Yeah, it was
I not allowed to do that. So you've you've seen
inside yes, yeah, okay, I didn't. When I knew that
(28:37):
you guys were doing fighting, I was like, that doesn't
make sense. And then when I looked at the data
that of fight close, close the door, close the door,
that of fights end in a romantic match. Yeah, yeah, shit,
I know. I know it's perfect. It's perfect. Americans can't
(29:01):
express love unless it's through anger. It's amazing. I mean,
the data was always there for us, always, always. We
should know how to tap into. Greg. I'm not switching
sections with you, Okay, I'm not switching sections. Look, I
just have a lot of two tops, and those two
tops are usually two people who are gonna fight each
(29:22):
other for whatever reason. I don't do I don't understand why.
You know. I have section three, the non fighting section.
I've had it for years I have seniority. I'm not switching.
We would be fair for me because the non fighting
sections just spoils. Like once I'm off on Tuesdays, you know,
talk to management, you can have it. Then visit my
(29:42):
grandma on Tuesdays. Hey, sweetheart, welcome home. Wow, your eye
looks pretty busted. You can see. Sorry, my visions all
funked up, so I figured I can see you can't
see God. Look, I want to come clean. I know
that this was always supposed to be a one night stand.
(30:03):
I know we met at the bar last night. I
know we made love, we fell in love. I smelled
your pillow in the morning, and then you said that
you couldn't start any of your days without taking a
whiff of my scent. Yeah you see how that really
built up some ship within me. I gotta be honest.
I went further. I took your eye. I took your
(30:26):
iPad down to the Apple store. You're a nightmare. I'm
a dream. I'm a dream. I met you at the
Star Wars, a little pop up fucking bar, like an idiot.
I take you home and you're immediately on my ass.
Do you know who I met tonight? Do you know
(30:47):
who I met tonight. Yes, I saw, I saw in
your notification. Oh my god. Look, I formed a real
bond with the Brute Squad and they and the genius
and the geniuses. And after a long conversation, they gave
me access to all of your stuff. And I was
reading and reading all your writing or your person your diary.
(31:14):
I'm strong. Now. What is that an eleven inch reach?
I've hated to twelve? Greg. We're gonna have to reschedule
you to come in on Tuesday. No, no, I I
visit my grandmother on Tuesday's okay. Well, I don't know
what you want me to tell you, Greg, I don't
know what you want me to tell you. Look, it's
the it's the thing she looks forward to more than anything.
(31:36):
I think she even knows it's me sometimes. Well does
she want miss you? She doesn't know? I know, waits.
I think that we've set up, Like, but what what
section would I have if I worked on Tuesday? You'd
have them. You might be able to get the non
fighting section the NFS. Greg not coming today. No, Craig's
(31:59):
not coming today. I've said this three times. What who's Craig? Greg? Greg? Greg?
Greg's not coming today, Greg's not coming today? Well take
this side from door. Okay. Well, I wish it would
(32:21):
have given me a chance to d you got a match, dude,
you got a match? Shit? Oh ship, you gotta mass? Okay,
I can do this. How A buy you Denny's parking
lot Tuesday, three pm? All right, Greg, I'm sorry for
(32:46):
me in the non fighting section if that is bullshecks.
You said that you don't work tuesdays. Why are you here? Well?
I usually have tacos, but they're out of tacos. So
I just decided to come in. Oh all right, all right,
and I gotta wait on you. All right, all right,
(33:09):
what do you want? Yes, of course tuesdays? Greg, Greg Neman. Yeah,
I'm sorry, but I have this, um tryfolded quilt for you?
Trifolded quilt or try pointed flag quilt. That's my that's
(33:32):
my grandmother's knitting. Where do you have this? I'd recognize
her knitting anywhere. She she? Um? How do I say this? She? Um?
Did she die? Lead with that? Then? Don't say I
have a quilt for you? You got it? Yeah? She God? No, awesome,
(33:55):
I'm good. I knew this would happen. No, you stay
you stay, I'm gonna fight you. What you maybe in
the parking lot? What the hell? What the hell that's
going on? You want to fight me? Let's go. Get up,
Get up your little get up, your little piece of ship.
You don't even fight back. You know if my match
with today, they beat the shift out of me too,
(34:16):
and I liked it. You don't even have the nerds
to fight back. His name was David. Does he hit
harder than me? He does everything better? It might not,
I would say better. It's not about that. I'm getting
out of the fighting game. Rocko. I met the one
(34:39):
I meant the one. You come here on my deathbed
to tell that to me, kid? Yeah, I mean it
was because you that this match happened. If I had
take an ultimate mawler, who knows where my life would
be right now. Ah well, I'm proud of a kid.
(35:00):
I only got so much time left. I'm knitting you
a quilt as a goodbye gift. Say out of this, Bernie, Bernie,
I'm looking for burnt h This is a try folded
It looks like a quilt. Yeah, I don't know what
(35:23):
that yeah. Oh wow, oh my god, oh my god,
it's rocking. One. Yeah, he died. Oh my god, they're
gonna build a subway here. You're gonna build what the Bernie?
He made that for me? Bernie? Come on, I didn't
know it has his name on it. I didn't know
(35:45):
it for you, all right, bought of your gut off.
This is to be a subway. Now I'm the bread squad.
That seems oh man, so many different storylines converging, like
Magnolia Number three is from Patreon alcmaniac Mike Delasso, who wrote, Okay, okay,
(36:15):
how about this one? The Island of Dr Moreau, but
not that doctor paging Dr Grier. You have a telephone
call at the front desk. Okay, yeah, so that's pretty chill.
I mean the island at large is uh, it's large. Yeah,
and islands for the most part of been getting pretty
a creepy reputation because all those creepy billionaires. But this
(36:39):
is not like that. This is all just where. It's
not creepy at all. We're getting animals and humans and
we're spicing them. So can you hold on? Who was
I talking to? I'm looking at I have a fisting
with Alva for herst first, thank you, thank you. I mean,
I am Taylor so good god, um yeah, could you
(37:02):
fix my face? I came all the way to this
island because I got a botched what should have been
a facial. It was a bunch of yeah fillers and
you crazy. We could do something, you know what, you
know what I could do. I don't know if I
could take anything out from the looks like the left
side of your your cheek is huge. But what I
(37:22):
could do, I could I could get like a rhino
or something like that and get like start building on
like a rhino side to the right. You know. So
it kind of brings me back to that. I was
going to ask, I know, if it's very ethical, but
you're doing on the island, well, well you can afford it.
I just don't know if you should do that. Okay, Noted,
(37:43):
I I hear you. But you know, well, well we're
still we're doing it, so you know, I get that.
We definitely talked about the ethics and all that. We
actually had the board of Sam Goody come over here
and discussed, like, you know, I don't know what they
would say about this. They they don't have much in
the science and health world. They primarily do with music. Yeah,
(38:04):
i'd argue that science and health there. Do you think
music is sound science? I don't know, man, no one's
coming to the island and doctor feel good. Maybe it's
a failure of advertising match imagination. I gotta senior frogs.
I don't know what to do. Guys, you have any ideas?
You're the board of Sam Goody. Oh my god, everyone's
(38:27):
having a stroke Taylor. When I heard you were getting
a rhino plastic, I thought you were just getting a
routine nose job, but you actually had a rhinos horn
affixed to your face. And don't you feel William that
nothing is going to make my newest album, Skyrocket more
(38:48):
than this new look. No one else looks like this. Yeah,
I mean I I mean, you're talented, you're a great singer, great, right,
but I have a yeah, yeah, you're dead. You dead.
Your looks are a component of your repeal though, I mean,
(39:10):
I hope that's not you know, reductive to say that,
But but now you've got a freaking rhino horn coming
out of your face. It's just a new look to
go with a new sound, you know, Like I went
from folks ty like French braids, curly banks, and now
I mean, your voice is gonna be more nasal, so
it might be more of a folksy Bob Dylan kind
(39:32):
of thing going on. Could be, I just want to
move forward with my career. In my face, dr career.
The dolphins are like, they're not as cute as nice
as they used to be. It's hard to grab them,
it's hard to operate on them. It's spring here from
the uh yeah, yeah, we gotta get it. We gotta
(39:56):
get more water there in a pond. I mean I've
been saying that for a while. We gotta get That's
why the agrad is a little bit. I mean it's
a pond. Excuse me, you you dr Greer? Yeah, what's up. Hey,
we're the guys from Imagine Dragons. We heard what you
did to Taylor Swift and we were wondering if you
could make us into dragons so people don't have to
(40:18):
imagine it anymore. That's pretty good. Yeah, oh yeah, we're
gonna cut the imagine out of our name and just
be dragons. That's what's up. Or you can actually be
real dragons. Wait wait, wait, what you know some of
Imagine dragons you can be real. We don't have we don't.
We don't have dragons. No, then we'll get some. We'll
get some Komodo dragons. Okay, okay, wait wait wait I
(40:39):
heard what you said. Komodo dragons are not the same
thing fantastic dragon. St Saint Gregory. But look, this is
what we can do, all right, this is what we
can do. We can get some komotos all right. We
can get the backs of them so they have little bumpies, right,
and then we can start. We can start guard Zilla
in you out, you know, I mean, so a little
building build into that, right and then and then right,
(41:01):
trust me on this. Feel my vision, feel my vision. Well,
there are five of us to start with the drummer.
If it doesn't go well, just move up the rhythm section. Okay, okay, right, easy, easy, okay,
who's the drummer. Wait a minute, I'm the I'm the drummer.
Come with me, Come with me. No, no, no, that
was not content. Come on, come on, but go with me.
It's fine. It's Trevor. Good. Look alright, Trevor, how are
(41:25):
you you're doing good? You're comfortable? No, I'm not. You've
tied me to this chair. Good God, what the fund
is that Okay, we don't have I can't find come on,
come on, and as much smaller. That's a much smaller lizards.
I got a pig in any wanna pig. I'm not
(41:47):
imagine pigs. Okay, okay, uh Trainer, what was your name, Trevor? Okay, listen,
this is what we're gonna do. But we got a
lot more surface area on the pig, so you're gonna
be a little bit more pig than you're gonna be iguana.
Because do you think his name is trainer? I don't
know what his name is. I'm a doctor, all right, Okay, okay, great, okay, great,
(42:08):
let's just agree. Let's just agree, and let's just say
your name is um. Let's make up my name. It's
easier to say, how about um kuala koalaka? My name
is that Koala? It's Trevor Is. I've got a mother
who loves me and it doesn't want my face to
get to get me a pig and the iguana all
over it. It's gonna get all over it. It will
(42:28):
be it. Tever Man, we gotta kick you out of
the band. You can't keep rhythm of those little pig
hoofs for hands. Before. No, it's pretty bad man, and
we're not calling you koala. It makes no sense. Whatso
(42:50):
he is that you mother? It's is this? Alright? I
hate pigs. I hate Look, I'm as much iguana as
(43:11):
I am big. I mean, there's a lot more pig
than iguanator. It was gonna be a fifty split. Okay, alright,
just pick up the sticks and play. Don't worry about it. Yes,
our last drummer was turned into a pig iguana hybrid
and shot by his mother in horror. But just try
to keep the rhythm. We'll start with radio actors. So
(43:32):
we don't know if I can bro. You need some confidence.
We're taking you to the island of Dr Gray. He'll
give you some confidence. Let's get the private plane boys,
it's true. Touchdown all right? Oh okay, everyone, alright, thank
god we landed. There is something that's horribly wrong with
this plane, alright, just so we know mechanically, there's something
(43:54):
horribly wrong with this plane. I don't know if we're
gonna be able to take off again, all right, So
we're gonna have to hold him down here in the island.
Why is that? What the hell is that? So the
cat helped me out. Here is this say, now, come on?
Oh god, it's not even working. Everything's fucking this plane. Fuck,
oh god, I'm gonna die. Relax, Relax, relax. Okay, someone's
(44:18):
at the plane door. Let me open it up here.
Wha welcome? Well, my god, yeah, sorry about that is
uh it's a new uh new person. I splice stuff.
(44:39):
So I didn't know you guys have been here before.
So let's get to it. Okay, Yeah, I don't. I
don't think I'm actually down for any um. I heard
that you turned somebody into a pig iguana. I'm kind
of like, I really need you want to do for no, no, no,
I need to like really be human and kind of
working on my humanity in fact most of the time
(45:02):
most of the time. Okay, I'll write that down. Yeah.
I use my hands a lot for drumming, but also
for steering a car eating. Uh's like, b I don't.
I don't really want to be spliced with. Okay, Well,
I don't think humanity has It's like what they're talking
about using your hands. Yeah, it's kind of like humanity.
It's like what makes me human? Right? Yeah? Again, I
(45:25):
think people A lot of people argue just being able
to use your hand doesn't make you human. No, no,
but I kind of them attached to that experience really
rather not. Oh yeah, if you want to do something
with hands, we can. We can do home. But I
think hands really I used the drumstill, like what something
(45:45):
they can hold drumsticks? Something can hold drumsix. Hey, maybe
I'm just interjecting. Here are plants kind of fun. So
if you could, I don't know, fly some with something
that could fly like that actual dragon, then we can
all get home a lot fast. Out there. That's just
a dragon. We don't have any dragon spots. Well, what
we can we can get it. We can get some
Komodo dragons, all right, I heard that that's not the
(46:09):
same thing. That's just the same. Best we can do
as an ostrich What about pigs that we had a pigs. No.
I like to thank my manager, William, my family, and
my friends who all stood by me. And by friends,
(46:33):
I mean fans because I don't actually have friends who
all stood by me this year during my big change.
And this is proof that you can get a rhino's
horn af fixed to your face and still when a grammy. Okay,
I have the Tranquilizer pointed at her, waiting, put it
(46:56):
in the gun. Put it in the gun. Thank you
so much. Right face, right face, I'm gonna let you finish.
I'm gonna let you finish. Sin yet trainer at the
best video of all time? Wake up? Wake up? Hi?
(47:20):
Where right a face? Taylor whatever you want to be called?
Definitely Taylor Swift. It's still my name. Look around so
offensive when he called me that you're in a little
neck basement. No one knows where you are. Okay, okay,
now you see you see that handsaw over there. I'm
(47:43):
going to use that to take your horn off. Now,
no I need this horn. It makes my voice sound
really weird, but it really helped the hell's going on
in here? Man off? We turn the light off? Why
do you have? Hey? Hey, hey, hey, you know what
(48:06):
do you know? Who that is? Yes? Taylor Swift. We
tranked her at the Grammys. We brought her over here.
We talked about yes, Oh, what's the whole time? What
are you talking about? What's the issue? What's the issue?
What is what the hand saw? Oh? I would think
we could we could snore if we snort her right O,
horn will get hard for a long time, dude. What
the fuck? I want to get hard for a long
time dude. That is insane. Great man, great, and that's
(48:29):
not my problem. Hey, really, I'm gonna take this straps
off you. We brought you over here. We are with
the FBI. What the funk. We're trying to get some
information on Greer in the island. I just want to
let you know that if you're having impetucy problems and
you want a heart on that lasts a long time,
there's an island. It's an island of doctor feel good,
(48:51):
and you should probably try that. He's a little out
of Yeah, he's a little out there, and it seems
like this isn't you know. It seems like this isn't
normal protocol. But it's it's good alright, dine fixing. Huh,
go to the right island, bro. I'm excited. I'm excited.
(49:13):
So how long do you want the boner to go?
I think forever. I think forever. I think this is
the thing I want. I do have one questions, just
not too much trouble. Well, well, we're on the island,
but I just don't know if we should make it
less forever. The maybe you can, but this is that
(49:34):
the very best idea to do that? Um well, early
harsh in the vibe of the island. Bro, We're on
island time, man. We're not asking ethical questions, you know.
I'm just trying to say that are sometimes you don't
want it to be hot and have you ethically thought about?
(49:54):
But then not, this is the way it should be,
like what if I don't know, what if you alrighty
trying a guy trying to but I've got a horn
of a rhino where my cheek should go for even
all right, Taylor to let me stop you there. I'm
(50:16):
gonna turn up, I'm gonna turn on the game. I'm
gonna turn the game way down. I'm having a nightmare
trying to mix this thing. Um and I'm good at
this stuff. I'm Bonnie there. But let me go ahead
and can I call you can call me justin Vernon,
justin TV. That's fine. Um, so let's bond. Let me
know when you got those CDs burned, okay, because I
(50:39):
want to I want to get them, get them out there. Sure,
we'll get him to CD booth immediately. As soon as
it's mixed. Fan, it's mixed. Got a large coffee for
Bonn Bonnie Bear. Um this for you, quick question. I
thought that was more of like a concept than a name.
Am I mistaken? Is always the brief cork? What do
(50:59):
you do? You drop off the coffee? You don't talk
to the artists. But like, dude, I mean, no, dude,
this is one of the most expensive, luxurious, elite exclusively.
I know I've delivered to Kanye, I've delivered to kok
cast the podcast about so it doesn't matter yet. Do
a lot of fancy people, but can't I question them
(51:20):
occasionally question them? No, you can't. My first name is Kawala.
My last Namber's trainer. Uh, and I'm a piguana. Man.
We thank you for coming out, Cook gast Man, you
are you're out there, man, you're out there for remember
cut casts. But you know it's not out there. It's
(51:43):
Casper natresses. They're great for keeping you safe at night.
Ad right away, Dr Craig. Everyone's gone, Oh my God,
Jesus Christ. All the animals. Huh, everyone's gone. All the
animals have left. Even the dolphins in that small pond
(52:05):
they walked out. It was a site, but they're going.
We shouldn't have give him pig feet. Oh my god,
it's just you and me. Now we don't even have
a plane. Well they got it to work, Yeah, they
got it to work. Good, good, Okay, so it's just us. Yeah. Wow. Um.
(52:29):
I was looking at some coordinates and there seems to
be a small island a mile and a half away.
If we can maybe swim it or make a float
or a raft to get off this island? Yeah? This big?
I just you want to go to a smaller island.
I mean I want to find people civilization on a
small round alright, five six, seven eight. Take your head
(52:54):
out of the sand. Man, you're a drummer. I don't
care if you have ostrich DDA. You can't get stared
and hide every time I'm about to start a song,
and just yeah, I can't quite do I dame used
to be doing. Oh man, I'm I can't get the regium.
(53:15):
I got this the tiniest island I've ever seen in
my life. But it's not even enough space for both
of us. Man, what do you mean more people who
are going to be here? I didn't know. I just
saw there was a land mass, and I decided that
maybe you would be a good idea. How did we
burn the boats? Why didn't we burn? Was ceremonial. We
found this place, we were excited. What what brings it
to ship? I guess I got from Pocalypse? Now, what's
(53:39):
his name? I'll give you three I'll give you three guests. Charleston.
Is that it? Charleston Heston? Well, Charles Heston wasn't matter.
It was not a pocalypse. It's James Dean idiot. James
James Ston died in nineteen fifty six. Oh my god,
(53:59):
you're a ghast. Oh my god, I'm not James Team. Okay,
hold on at let's talk. Okay, who does he remind
you of? Like what movie? Bruce Willis William? Yes, yeah,
I gotta get away. I gotta get away. Well, you've
worked hard, You've worked hard. I've heard that Joe Peshi
(54:24):
is on his own tiny island. It's had an island
custom made for his size. Yes, I want to do that.
I want to get peshed out and on my own island.
I don't want to share it with Joe. I've had
a weird experience with him in the past, right right,
(54:45):
in that one movie you made, in that one movie
I made. Okay, Taylor, take a look around. Um, it's
a seven tree three coconut island. Um, it's you know,
it's nice. Tides come in like regular. Um, great, great
view of nothing. Um, take a look at Army offices
for you. Um. I just I really wanted a small island.
(55:10):
I like the size of this island, but I wanted
there to be Luck's accommodations as well, because I'm not
just going to be here vacationing. Um, after like a
month of chill axing, I will be recording here as well.
I understand. Look, look who it is. Look, Cleo's coming
to my island. I didn't under Joe. I didn't think
(55:30):
this was your island. I knew that your I knew
you had an island, but I didn't know this was
your If I knew that this was your specific island,
I wouldn't I would not have come here. So it
makes sense with these nons. Was up, Taylor? What are
you doing here? Hey? How's it going good? Yeah? I
(55:52):
did the rhino plastic. Oh the dr great rhino face.
Rhino face. Okay, let's not call it rhino face. It's
rhino Steve, thank you, thank you, Dr Greer. I'm sorry, Taylor,
do you want to buy this? I mean not if
it's just putting in a bid too. He's a guy's
(56:14):
alan crazy, so just you know, turning it out there.
So was it the street car that was named that?
Or was someone else names are? I don't understand when
am I cloud? I'm head of a meal show. I'm
just asking you brought this up earlier. I don't know
how you were talking about. I'm just coming around back
to the conversation, like I was just trying to drop hands,
(56:35):
all right, and you were not picking up on the hands.
I don't know what. Look, I got it wrong. Okay,
you're Joe Pesci. I don't want to share the island
with anybody. I wanted to be more of like a
home alone situation where I'm home alone on the island,
but the wet bandits are and the oscar goes to
(57:00):
Heshi first for all back. Joe. Oh wow, that was
my pleasure. Thank you? Okay? I trained them turned down
for what reason? What? Why did you drink? Joe PESHI?
I thought that was the deal. What do you mean
we just Oh my god, Oh my god, I'm high.
(57:22):
I'm high, alright, I oh my God, I don't know.
I give you a couple of pills and you drink
just to commune down. And that's our show. Everybody, somebody
islands so little time. Thank you to alost. See what
they're up to, Craig Kikowski. What's their plan to extract
(57:45):
these celebrities after tranking them while getting their awards the
best time? Millions of people on life TV um Man.
If you have not seen that documentary about the making
of the Marlon Brando Island of Dr Moreau, uh it is.
(58:08):
It is a must see. It's about how the guy
who was directing was fired and then too yeah wow,
oh no, he was taken over by Frankenheimer. Richard Stanley
was the guy. So I'm trying to find out the
name of this documentary, but I have nothing to do
(58:28):
with any but but you should see that and our
Our Lost Soul, The Doomed Journey of Richard Stanley's Island
of Dr Moreau is the movie you should see. There's
a frank and Hammer was cluttered as saying Roy Rodgers
never met him, and he didn't like Roy Rogers never
met Val kilmer m because they had a real hard
(58:49):
time on that set. Uh, James Deanney, Well, thank you
for having me today. I would just like to say,
if you want to contact me, one great way is
through reviews, because I've been contacted and the review title
of this five star reviews unbelievable. Just like the intro music,
this is pure class, difficult to listen to average material.
(59:12):
After enjoying this jump and this is from Sarah and
Evan via Apple Podcast, I would argue that both of
them could have made their own if they really care.
You know, you don't need to share a review. But
I mean it's a great one, but who was it really?
Shar is there from Evan? I think that each of
(59:33):
them should have Ye, Sarah and or Evan is going
to come back with a one star Chris Alorado. Yeah,
Jackie was saying don't bite the hand, and I was thinking,
don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Interesting, but
I guess those both kind of work And for more
introspective thoughts like that, to check out The Comedy Fix,
(59:56):
where we just question everything. It's a podcast where we
question every thing you've ever known or thought you knew
about performance and comedy. Check it out The Comedy Fixed.
Bye Bye, Nice Jackie Gonzalez de Ruthie, thank you for
having me. Um, this was a this is a grand
old time. I'm at Jackie Druthy on on really Instagram.
(01:00:17):
My gosh, I'm so inactive on Twitter though I have
an account. Um and that's that. And you can you
can leave me a review in tandem if you want.
I won't tear you down for it. Oh, thank you
for having me, of course. Joey Greer, I can't. I
can't echo anything. You can only say it myself, and
(01:00:41):
that is check out Alchemy this Instagram and Alchemy this
pod on Reddit and maybe, just maybe you'll find the
love of your life what it's true for second there,
I thought you were just recommending the podcast. You're listening
to it now. But I'm a cold Stratton. I'm at
(01:01:03):
Cold Stranding at Stratton Cole on whichever social media site
you were on. Go to Scotchest dot com rent some
of our past shows while they're still available. Um yeah,
let's uh thank you our engineering producer Doug Bam and
the fine folks at I Heart Media dot com. Please
(01:01:24):
write to us at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com.
That's email dot com. Until next time,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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