September 30, 2021 • 54 mins
Drive-thru window.
Spaghetti Already: fast food Italian.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This is I'm
your host, Kevin. I don't actually know. I'm sorry, you
know I'm telling you, well, do you know how many
films you've done? See? But I digress. Let's no particular order.
Let's welcome Greig Kowski cow On average, how many slices
(00:22):
of pizza do you think you eat each year? At
this point in my life? Much fewer than twenty years ago. Sure, Um,
what is my heart wants? My heart wants eight slices
of pizza a day. Sure. Uh, and that's my metaphorical heart.
(00:43):
My little heart wants no, no pizza. Um. But realistically,
and and this is like counting like frozen cauliflower pizzas,
which is something that we do eat at home. Um,
so I'm you know, so I cut into six slices
for my wife and I so I have three of those. Uh.
(01:06):
So I'm saying I'm averaging I'm averaging three slices of
pizza a week. Okay, I'd say it's about a D
fifty fair. I had you down for one six one.
I was I was pretty close, pretty close. Try pizza Oka,
Try pizza cupcake as soon as you get it, please,
I beg of you. Um mo, please say hello to
Chris Alvarado, the People's Choice. What would you like to
(01:29):
happen before years end? Four years and we're going deep.
I think I'd like to book something. And I think
I'd like to see some progress on my chess workouts.
I've been doing okay, well that's all, and I'm yeah,
(01:50):
I'm doing it. I'm working hard on it. Um that's
what I want to see before year's end. I just
I just thought thistion for Jessica's show, which is a
weird thing to have to do, yes, because she's helping
me with the tape self tape for everybody, and she's
really she's just she's so talented and funny, but now
there's this pressure. Sure you don't want to embarrass her
(02:12):
on her show, and it's just it's it was a
bit of a mind a mind funk. But you know
what isn't a mind fun Kevin is the choice to
have cauliflower pizza. I eat that once a week myself.
Batter of fact, after this recording, I'm going to Costco
to get my favorite cauliflower pizza. Craig. I know it
isn't the same my man, I know it isn't the same,
but it works. Can I ask a real novice also
(02:34):
known as stupid question, what part of the pizza is
the cauliflower, the crust, the crust. Okay, so the gluten
free cauliflower crust pizza. It's it's what it's like what
Craig's Our heart doesn't want it, but our heart wants
Is it crispy? Yes? Okay, yes, that's that's always my
(02:55):
because when I picture eating cauliflower, it is not crispy.
It's usually mushy. James, this says, This says, you can
do it for like twelve to fifteen minutes. I do
sixteen minutes on purpose to get that extra crisp. I'll
give it a shot. Give it a shot. Please, give
it a shot. Remember, and I'm a big pizza fan.
And uh I'd like to try it. It's not the worst.
(03:18):
We need your We need your review immediately, James. But first, Stacy, Jim,
what happens when you work out? Oh? Um, well, when
I work out? Uh, I get it. I don't know.
I are you asking me what happened when I worked
out at Venice Beach? Well? The story is on January second, no.
(03:39):
I wrote this two days ago. He wrote this two
days ago. It was just okay. Well, now I guess
I'll have to say what happened when I last worked out.
When I was trying to go the second day of
the New Year a couple of years ago. I went
to Muscle Beach, it's two blocks from my house. Did
some pull ups. It was fantastic at it, went to
the dips bar, moved a towel from the center to
(04:01):
the edge so I could get in the center of
the dips bar and do some dips. And a gentleman
with lots of tattoos on his head got right in
my face and was just shouting, don't touch other people's things.
And he was like spitting this before COVID. Thank god,
otherwise it would have been freaking out. Uh. And then
he went on. So to be cleared, point of reference,
(04:22):
you were not freaking out at that point because this
was pre COVID, Well I was. I was scared out
of my mind. I thought I was gonna die that day. Uh.
And uh so the guy told me not to and
then he showed me how to do dips at the
end of the PA. He didn't he didn't he didn't
then go like, hey, but let me give you a tip.
What did he say to you? He says, that's not
(04:43):
even how you fucking do and then he starts at
the end, and then afterwards like he left, and like
I didn't know what to do. I was like, do
I just go home now? So I like, I like
worked out for like five four minutes at like the
for pieces, and then I jogged home and I never
went back to muscle Beach again. That's one of my
(05:05):
favorite stories. What the hell it's a tool? Sing up town, Johnny?
Uh while wearing a tuxedo, when you look at yourself
in the mirror, who do you resemble or want to?
Oh man, that's that's a good question. Um, oh man,
that's a real good question. Um like a classic tuxedo.
(05:26):
So I think I've seen like Denzel. Yeah, I'm gonna
go with Denzel. I think this is in this classic.
I hate I hate to interrupt, but but but a tool.
Don't do it. Don't already tell us tell us about
your talks. I've over over the last two three. I
get Brad's deals. Um. Brad's Deals is the closest thing
(05:48):
I can think of a place that reminds me for
you guys, be Costco. I get Brad's Deal's emails every
day and they have great deals, and I decided I
went to two events where I had to rent tuxedos.
I was no, I don't want to do that anymore.
So I started piecing together a tuck. So I started
looking for tucks items on sale. And over the last
two years I've gotten the jacket, the shirt, the pants. Uh,
(06:12):
and I already have a tie, so it's been very exciting.
And just got the pants. They're not tailored yet, but uh,
they fit well. And I need more about Brad's Deals.
Is Brad's Deal's a internet warehouse just they just tell
you they just connected. So I get so much, you know,
I go through there for a lot of things, shoes, cigars.
(06:36):
I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Of course, I'd also
appreciate you never comparing it again. The same excitement you
get talking about Costco, I get it with. There's got
you got you. That comparison is completely fair and accepted
and in fact enjoyed, and thank you for that. Uh.
(06:56):
And now last but less room on the dance floor
for you. If you think at least it's Joey Greer
magic rectum. What is your favorite smell and why? I
have hundreds of favorite smells with My favorite of all,
favorite of all smells is when you dip your hands
in hot chocolate, melted chocolate milk, rub them together, and
(07:19):
then you just find a nice popcorn ceiling and you
rub your hand right across the top and then you
just smell of that popcorn fall off like a little
like chocolate rain. Oh wow, do a damn show. All
of our scenes suggestion gathers from your listener emails or
from our patroon to v I P s. Have become
a patron support of the show and enjoy exclusive content
like standalone bonus scenes you heard me, or video of
(07:42):
our recording sessions or the highest level of the Alcamaniact.
You'll have a chance to join us for one of
these zoom sessions that we record in every week. Just
head on over to patron dot com slash. If you
like some of the scenes suggestion by email, please right
to the podcast at our email dress which is Alchemy
This email at gmail dot com. Seen one comes from
(08:06):
Patreon VMP Derek, who wrote though a patron supporter I'm
writing this to you at your newesh email address. Uh,
which he did, and he goes on to say, hello Kevin,
I am a high and oh sorry, hello Kevin, I
am high and have the munchies. Scene suggestion drive through window?
(08:29):
Thank you, Derek? Yeah, so what time did you say
he got in last night? I don't even understand what
you're saying. I don't know what what do you what
do you want? And we're about to get to the window. Okay, um,
I can't. I don't know until I see the menu. Okay,
we just passed them and you said he didn't want
to look at the menu. That's because you drove so fast. Okay, okay, okay,
(08:53):
where can I get? You? Give us one second? What
do you want to want of burger doing chicken? Can
they get a flabby chicken with the two types of sauces?
So you do know what you want? Waffle fries? So
you know what you want? A strawberry milk shim sorry
you're not ready to order? Were ready? I want the
(09:13):
flamy chicken with the two sauces that I want a
strawberry milkshake on the side, which too, sauces come with
the one withoud come of the chicken, probably barbecue, honey mustard.
Is that you are allowed to choose two sauces. We
have buffalo ranch, buffalo ranch, mustard, mustard, Ranch, soy sauce,
(09:34):
Sweet and sour sauce, sour sauce, Sweet sauce, spicy, sweet
and sour sauce. Let's just go home. I'm not just
go home. Hi, and welcome to Corny. So how can
I take your order? Hello? Are you physically here? Are
you one of those people that's like in a different
city and I'm talking to somebody else because I have
a very specific order. No, I'm I'm in the window. Actually,
(10:00):
that's me over here. Say something. I want to see
your lips move. What would you like me to just say? Hey,
it's me, But just stick your head out so I
know it's your lips moving when I hear it. Okay, Hey,
that's great. This is why I come to Cornis because
(10:20):
you hire locally. Uh yes, all right, Well let me
just look at the menute. Okay, I'm gonna let me
text my wife for a quick and see what she wants. Yeah,
(10:41):
give me one stack. You're gonna take your tongue in
one second. Hey, Stevie. Yeah, you got my cash? Huh? Okay, yes,
I think she might be a meeting. She's not responding,
but we'll just wait a minute. But I'm gonna have
the extra long horny um with the sweet sauce and
(11:03):
the sour sauce. Please don't put it the sweet sauce
in the sour sauce together. I'll distribute. Yeah, well, in
a second, what do you want? Their honking as from behind?
Please please tell me what sauce you want? Please? Okay,
I'll have the jack hoole sauce yourself. Oh my god,
that's not that's sorry about that, sir. We don't we
(11:25):
don't get why why don't we get that? Hey? What
the fuck? Get away from my wife? When you are
you doing? Get away? Hey? Roll down your window, miss, No,
don't roll down your window. He's handsome. There a problem here?
Do you know how? I've never been a slay before,
We've been a flabby before. Okay, we're just gonna get
our orders given order. This is how you order. Let
me get a number two flabby extra sauce. No what no?
(11:50):
What you too appear? But you guys order? Hi, Welcome
to Wendy it's can I take your order? Yeah, let
me get a let me get uh we get a
card and with cigarettes, a baby egg. Uh, I don't know,
maybe one of those wind turbines and um, y'all do
(12:11):
hot sausage. We don't have any of those items. We
oh damn dawn, damn no I uh we do get
a lot of people confused sometimes because we're not Windy's
with an e. Were Windy's with an eye. We sell,
We sell windows, oh damn. All right, so this whole
(12:34):
drive through apparatus is just to get window panes. You
know what if you're looking for panes, uh sills, you know,
like window we sell windows and window adjacent uh blinds
we do. We do do blinds. Oh so, y'all do sausage? What? No,
we don't do sausage. Okay, alright, alright, So that's one
(12:56):
extra long corny. Get the sweet and sour sauce. Did
your wife ever you just get a turkey corny for her?
She doesn't need beef anymore. Che one second, chie, I
put that envelope in your locker. You should have had
that cash already. I paid you back. Don't do this, man,
Don't do this man, listen, I'll fight you right now
(13:19):
at work. Okay, So a turkey corny, yeah right, it's
not bad though. Excuse me, excuse me, fine, sir, I'm
sorry to interrupt. I ordered a large corny a couple
of days ago, and I'm still waiting to hear from you. Okay,
(13:43):
did we tell you to pull up? You did? And
where's your car? I'm parked right around the corner there, Tesla,
m it is. I was an early adapter, so I've
been waiting two days for this corny up to adopt both.
I was it, I was it. Okay, I don't know
(14:09):
what to tell you. Um, if you place your order,
it's on its way. It's on its way. Fine, good
enough for me, Fine, sir, Richie Stevie, can I touch you?
Yes for a second. Sorry, we'll get to your orders
in a moment, y'all. Just what's up? We're gonna have
to close Cornyes? What? What? Yeah? I mean you guys
(14:30):
saw this come much? Only YouTube working here? Uh, you know,
like a bike sail or something. I know, you know,
I thought I could. I appreciate that, Richie, but and all, honest, yeah,
we can't sustain this. Uh, it's your own pocket, dude,
I'm not leaving. Ritchie told him about our our side hustle. No,
(14:55):
well what is this? What is it? Well, sometimes we
deal drugs out the window. Why and yeah it's actually
we make more money than Cornies does. On you're dealing
drugs out of my cornies. Okay, you know what. Both
of you are out of here. No, we're not fine.
We're not. No, we're not we're not. Yeah, you are
not fine, sirs us Sorry once again. Just sure you
(15:17):
know it's the black Tesla. So when that corny is up, sir,
I'm sorry about this. Look you're not gonna get your corny.
This I can adapt. I can adapt. Scene one, he
can adapt, he will adopt. Scene too comes from listener Chris,
(15:39):
who simply wrote scene suggestion spaghetti already fast food Italian
Chris Sheer. Okay, guys, so, as you know, I used
to run the Cornish and I promised that this establishment
will not have the same fate. Okay, uh, spaghetti in
my betty. I know it's supposed to say belly, but
(16:02):
I thought it was better. I'm just looking for a Graham.
M Is there a Graham? I don't think anyone name
is Graham. Oh my name is Graham. Oh Graham. Okay,
do you want to do this outside or we're just
doing our lineup? We're not open yet, those two guys
(16:24):
in the back. That's why I actually wanted to talk
to uh ste so not Graham. Uh yeah, I like
my usual order. Oh yes, we're not open. Yeah, I
get it, man. My conversation is not with you. I
just gotta see. Yeah, it's not with you, dude. Okay,
(16:44):
it is my business, so you know, and you brought
us along because you made you made me right, you
change yourself to the cornies, and you said they're gonna
have to bulldoze us too, those if they're gonna pull
So I just said, yeah, I'll just re hi. Are you?
Thanks so much? Okay? Agent Johnson, you were able to
(17:08):
collect that graham of cocaine from the what did you say?
It was a fast what now fast food restaurants? Spaghetti
spaghetti food? One says cocaine anymore? What do they call it? Dope? Yeah?
I don't know what that is. Um they call it
sugar fine, sugar powder. You can even call it brown sugar, um,
(17:32):
teaching sugar salt. No, it's candy. Yeah, I've heard that too,
sweet sour sauce, sour sauce, sweet sauce, Buffalo ranch, a
lot of nicknames, but if you said cocaine, everyone's gonna
know you're a cop. Okay, cool, Thank you for that.
Haven't been in the field and so many years. It's
nice to hear what's going on out there. Finger on
(17:54):
the top. Hi, I'll take um, one large spaghetti in
my Betty and um does that come with garlic bread?
Or is that extra? I'm not actually on site, so
so every store does it differently. I'm actually in Utah
and Provo, so oh okay, I'll still take the large
(18:16):
spaghetti in my Betty and garlic bread. Please. They have
spaghetti sandwiches, I'll do half flu what see if they
have a spaghetti sandwich? Give me what jazz? I thought
you were smart? I am see if why do you
(18:39):
I went to Yale from my undergraduate so I think
you were smart? What is that still there? See if
they have yeah, see if they have a spaghetti sandwich? See? Okay,
all right, Um, do you guys have any spaghetti? So
they're new to the menu nationwide? Smart choice? Sir? What
(19:02):
do they have it? Yeah? They have it. Do you
want it? I'll look at that. Yeah, I'll take Okay, yeah,
we'll take one sphe to be delicious. Oh my god,
that actually sounds really good. Uh, Tina, I'm sorry to
have to do this as uh as the dean of
m I T. But your doctorate in mathematics has been
revoked from what do you mean? How? What? What are
(19:25):
you talking about? Like? We got an anonymous tip that
you ordered a spaghetti sandwich. I did, Yeah, from spaghetti Betty,
Well are you serious with that? But they can't do this.
They have the spaghetti. It's not a stupid thing. They
have it. And uh hey, welcome home, babe. How is
(19:48):
your day? How is your day? I got fired and
I hacked into your email. What was the last part?
I hacked into your email and I saw that you
had sent all the deans and m I T an
(20:11):
insane story about me ordering a spaghetti sandwich. And then
I used the spaghetti sandwich to kind of like that
whole I don't know that story where that person on
eBay about a clip, and then from they bought the clip,
they bought the thing, then they get a car, and
and then I made a drug empire with it is
that that I'm I'm gone, I'm out of here. Okay,
(20:34):
go up with your sad life. I call this meeting
of all the deans of m I t um no,
that's actually the point. Uh, don't forget the dog. I
don't even know how that happened. Uh. But here's the thing, guys,
we're at thirty two right now. Uh. The board UH
tells us we need to get down to eighteens, so
(20:57):
ums by twenty four deans. That happened. The Dean of
mathis here. I have a PhD in mathematics. Eighteen sounds fine. Eight,
I'm sorry. Eight eight is where we want to be. Well,
we can't cut the dog. Well I think we know,
says the dog. Okay, everyone looks like everyone's voting a
(21:19):
on the dog. Alright, so we have Uh, I'm a
talking dog. You can't cut me. You're good, alright, Dean dog,
you're good. All right. You don't need to interrupt. Now,
so we have seven. How do you propose we dropped
to vote them out? All right? Well, Dan dog is good. No,
don't need to worry about dean dog. Seven spots Left's
(21:43):
a good dog. Should choose the other dean. I Dean Dog. Um,
I want to talk to you about my upcoming class load.
Overwhelmed alight, a lot of classes, but I also know
if I want to graduate early and with honors, it's
something I need to do right. But also I need
(22:05):
to make a living. I'm not like one of the
rich students here, so I got to get a job,
probably in fast food or something. I just feel overwhelmed. Well,
you can have someone pay you to catch a ball,
bring it back, Dean Dog. That doesn't work for us, Okay,
Dean Dog. Should you be smoking? Why not? Oh? Maybe
(22:28):
it's not fast for dog? How you look? You look great?
Thank you? Can I rub your that's inappropriate? Can I
rub your belly? That's inappropriate? Well? Then, why is your
leg moving because I'm trying to get away from you.
I'm trying to Oh you did out, Dean Dog. You
(22:57):
can't bite students. Okay, So although you made an impassionate
plea on your your defense to stay as a dean,
we're gonna have to revoke your your again. Revoke the dog. Okay,
it was persuasive last time, it sounds persuasive now. But
like we're also you're not seventy two your ten. Technically Okay,
(23:19):
look who's back at the pound? Oh, looky, looky, Mr
smarty doggie. It's just temporary. And that's the one with
the pH Look at you. Yeah, we're supposed to be impressed.
You're talking dog. We're all talking dogs. Let me smile
(23:40):
your asshole. See if you're specials, everyone sees. Oh. I
think that maybe we should stop using outsourced uh telecom
for picking up the orders to go in the drive through.
It's kind of like Richie and I got this thing
going in one of the reasons we love Stevie ste
(24:02):
I'm up to my ass right now, okay, and all
these receipts. I gotta figure this out. Okay, can we
talk about this another time? Cash at least I can't
get We're already intent. I can't give you cash apparently,
and we have so many people coming in, but no
one's buying any of this spe I'm not sure if
this is an appropriate time. But still still waiting on
(24:22):
that corny. So the corny is gone. There's no corny. Okay,
no corny. No'd like a spaghetti sandwich. A spaghetti sandwich,
now I could help. Do you want to maybe you
could hang out with Graham. Hang out with Graham. What
(24:43):
do you know? Order spaghetti sandwich? What do you do?
Why are you trying to like unsell this guy? Just
by the spaghetti. You're gonna love it, So you're gonna
love it. Well, I'll take a spaghetti sandwich. I'll be
waiting to my test law already ready, the spaghetti's ready.
Spaghetti read so fast, it's so fast, you're just put
it on this spread here, and you're just gonna say
good in your betty. I don't know if I trust
(25:03):
a spaghetti sandwich that just pops right up. I mean
that's kind of our jam. Well, okay, excuse me, sir.
You want the flat weather, the speckling with your spaghetti
batty sandwich. I was gonna take it to go? Do
I have to have a water well? That mouse stresses?
The pope want you to pick one or the other?
(25:25):
I get adapt, I gett adapt. These are weird, weird circumstances.
So we've called you into the Testa office because you
apparently have the best Tesla battery ever built. Um, thank you,
and we want to Ellen called and he wants your tesla,
and he's willing to give you any of the other teslas. Yeah, actually, sir,
(25:48):
he's here here, now here. Do not look at them directly,
don't smell him, don't look at him, don't say the
word Jesus I. I really should get back to work.
Shut up, Graham. Yeah, it's weird. I've adopted him. I'm
an early adopter. Lord Musk, Lord Musk, Lord o, Lord Musk,
(26:12):
Lord Musk, Lord Musk. Yes, it's great to be here again.
Let me just say that I'm very fond of hold
of workers. That's back here for me and my billion.
So does anyone have any questions? Or perhaps you should
just get right to the point of today's business. I'm
(26:32):
going to send one of you to the moon. I
think today's business was to discuss his battery. All right,
night night, Which one of you has the greatest battery?
He's got more of a Hitler, it's definitely more north.
Which one of you is? What is standing next to Graham?
(26:56):
That's that's me, sir. All right, I'm Graham. Hello Graham.
I've been told that you have the greatest test, the
battery of all time, and I'm I would very much
like to give you any TESTA love you're choosing and replaced. Well,
what's what state of the art right now? This one
right here. I drove it to you myself, and it's
(27:17):
the nicest test that's been off the assembly line today.
All right, Graham, So again this is your ignition. You
have to press this button. Okay. The rocket's not going
to go off unless you get Unless you pressed up button,
you're staying. So I'm going to space. Yeah, you're going
to Mars. You don't tell me that you're the guy.
I really I don't want to hear this ship. Dude. Okay,
I'm in the right now. Okay, so am I? Okay, Hey, boss,
(27:44):
manager Richie and I we were thinking, well what we
think you're pretty cool. We want to stay. We want
to save the spaghetti shop. So tonight, I'm sorry, I
got to close. I have to close. We're gonna save it,
gonna pass around a big stand. People are gonna pay
play rock and roll up on the roof. Close. How
(28:07):
much money do you need? Give me a dollar amount?
Three million dollars? All right, give us a shot, Ritchie,
I mean okay, okay, yeah, if you're telling me that
that small bucket is gonna have three million dollars at
the end of the night. Then yeah, let's do it.
Let's do it. Richie fucking who's the band? Me? Ritchie
(28:31):
and this guy named h Peachie Pooh, I know that
guy's banned from the store. You can't be here. He'll
be on the roof. That's still the store it is. Yes, No,
that's a good question. Yes the answers. Yes, okay, I
guess you don't want to say, Mr Musca. Sorry to
(28:52):
disturb you from your nap, but your favorite band is
performing tonight at the Little Tough to actually local speak anybody,
um um, I'll tell you what whenever we buy the place,
and then I have the best seats in the house. Yes, sir,
of course I'll go make an offer. All right. I
(29:12):
know that sort of came off as a question, but
you both do understand what I mean. Thanks for showing up.
One two, one to wait, Hold on, what are you
doing up here in this roof, sir? Say, I just
wanted to see how you play the instruments, and that
not to make the sounds with your face. Look, we
only play if we see money in the bucket. Ah, alright,
(29:36):
I don't have any cash on me. Isn't that funny?
Billionaires never seemed to have any cash. I'm about a check.
I could venmo use six s talart agent Jensen. I
was under the impression that we banished Peachie Pooh back
to his demention. We did, sir, what's the problem. Well, well,
now I'm being told that he's showing up at some concert.
(30:00):
My god, that must means that the dimensions are splitting
and rejoining in a different way. Hold on a second,
we'll do something about it, Jensen. Let me hold you
my infrastructure building. Right, where's that crew? Photos from the
fast let me see the photo from the fur Well here,
I'm not in it. I'm not in it, God, damn it.
So it's still this still this reality, still this reality.
(30:23):
Where did you get to go to the court? Damn?
And you know what this well we've been we've become
closer since, Like if I had an inauguration, now you'd
be invited. Oh my god, but third eye blind played
this time, Mr President, Mr Jensen, you're spaque sandwiches are here,
thank you? Oh oh man, this is soggy. This is
(30:45):
just a rock heart meet the president in the Douane Smuckling.
What the fund. Is this mouse doing here? It's okay?
Mr President? Mr President, he's a he's an eight, he's
a president is yes, timeline? Are we in now? I
don't know? But little mouse he's dressed up as the popes.
What do you mean you put down the dog? He's
(31:07):
a dean and we need him back. Hey, man, I
didn't do what I'm told? Man? Yeah, what do you
want me to do? Not everything you're told? Did he
say any did he have any less words? Oh? He
screamed man. Yeah, he said a lot of crazy ship.
What did he say exactly? I need to write this down.
He said he had every single detail to build some
(31:28):
kind of machine to recouple all the dimensions and whatnot
or some ship. Okay? And did he give you any
clue as to how he would go about doing that? Yeah?
He talked to me about a very specific metal alloy
that only found like in somewhere in Central America, as
well as connecting two different conductors, which which, uh, come on,
(31:49):
what the hell are those conductors? Come on? I makes
me think of a train. Don't it take a place? Oh? Yeah,
I gotta go. This is that's right? What is my brain? All? Right? Well,
I'll see you. Let Tina, we we feel bad. We're
giving you your doctorate back. Spaghetti sandwiches have taken off
(32:10):
and everyone's eating him now, So I don't really need
that anymore because I was an early adopter to that
stock two uh spaghetti ready stock. Yeah, you're looking at
the fastest billionaire in American history? How fast are you? Really? Fast? Second?
(32:31):
When the like the forty and like four point two seconds? Well,
I mean we we just have this doctorate lying around.
We killed Dean Dog and what don't get what? A
lot of crazy stuff has happened. He he was great,
(32:53):
he was great, but yeah, we we put him down.
He was the foremost expert on interdimensional track of all
and rejoining what who's taking over his stuff? Well, Dean cat,
I've been here the whole time. Oh my god, Oh wait, god,
you're under the table. This is inappropriate you or you
(33:14):
should not be listening to our conversation. This is you
know what I'm buying at M I T I'm gonna
make some changes around the pool area. Oh really, you're
gonna change the pool? Can you rub my neck? It's
an infinity pool with mathematicians, it's infinite. This pool not anymore.
(33:37):
What you're saying, it's a finite pool, alright, Stevie, wha wait, Ritchie, Sorry, okay,
it's okay. What's wrong? You seem really nothing? We did it.
We did it like that was the best show of
her lives. We barely needed to play. But like that's
(33:59):
our purpose. Now, well, I guess could go back to
slinging drugs through the windows. How is it? How much
mone's you gonna make? Well? Ellen venmo to six bucks
something like that. But the other people who came around
gave us three million dollars in cash. Where whether where
is it? Well, that's the thing. What's wait? What what's
(34:25):
the thing? Did he walk away? Where's he going? Excuse
me to understand. I'm the lead singer for the Counting Crows.
I don't know if you remember us from the inauguration
we performed seven years ago. But a Third Eye Blind
I'm sorry, is this Fred Turst? People get those names confused.
(34:46):
I'm the singer for the Counting Goes. I was trying
to remember the Counting Crows, Guy, Fred, I recall a
third hype Blind. Kevin Crows played first in the first
inauguration and then Third Eye blind playing the second one.
I don't think you're telling me. In this reality, Fred
Durst ended up counting crows and Adam Durret's headed up
limp biscuit. That's what I'm telling you right now. That's
(35:08):
everything is wrong, President, Mr President chat A. Graham has
landed on Mars. A Graham of what I of? I
don't know of what? Graham? Hey, hey, everyone's Graham. Um boys,
(35:31):
there's really nobody here. You left your shift when you
left Earth without clocking out, and now your hours have
really built up. Now we got to talk to the
count and to change it. I was told to go
along with the Tesla guy and he adopted me, and
then Mr Musk put me on a flight to the
(35:53):
m hm. Mr must put me on a flight to Mars. Look,
do anything. I just want to work here. Well, I
don't know what you want me to fledge around here? Okay,
uh spaghetti, Betty's on a business anymore. So I can't
change anything on Countywise, you're gonna have to pay Graham
whatever he's out. M Are you there? Did I hang
(36:15):
up by actullent? I'm just here to get your orders.
Oh sorry, yes, I was on the phone I'll do
a What the funk are you? I'll do a I'll
do a flat. Yeah, do you have any cheese? Wait? Graham? Graham, Graham?
Remember us, remember us, used to work to work with you. Yeah,
(36:38):
it's the true. You got a big gas buyout because
you didn't clock out and all those all the time
you were a marg You got paid hourly for that.
Plus over there two million dollars shift, holy shift. Yeah,
I'm buying m I T that has seemed too Yeah.
(37:02):
Scene three comes from patron arch maniac doug who wrote
Dear Lovely Alchemists. Here goes another shot in the dart
to try to pop your comedic concrete balloons. Scene suggestion
construction crews conflicted in construction of condos, contemplate, conjuring, come consuming,
comedian best wishes, fun bishes Dougie. Yeah, so what time
(37:28):
do we start on the building tomorrow? Sir? I'd like
to get the crew there as early as possible, but
I'm getting need to know what what time we are
all on the We'd like to go right away at seven, Okay,
we feel that's a little late, tom Tommy, I'm talking,
we feel that, Tommy. I swear a christ right between
the we'd like to start earlier than seven if we could. So,
(37:53):
is it okay? If me and the fellas and the
two broads who insisted their way into our crew show
up at six, that's I'm sorry, I just can't happen.
But notice the way you speak to one of your employees.
Yeah that's Tommy. He's like my cousin's uncle or okay,
it's family, all right, then I won't speak on it.
(38:13):
It's you know what I'm saying. I'm so I got
my nephew working here. He's an idiot, went to m
I t r Oh that's no good for destruction the crap. Yeah,
so beautiful. Yeah, we just you know, we got a
tight timeline. We don't want to miss any days. I
(38:35):
want to. Can I ask you a quick question? What christ?
It's just I I heard that these condos are being
built for simbody pre special. Uh we allowed to ask
if it's yeah? No, no, we're not allowed to ask.
I mean how many times it was a come slipper?
It doesn't matter what happens in this, just build a
(38:56):
f and condom. I'm a big fan, though, well big fan,
you're a big fan of a kum slurpers that what
you just send? Comedian? Oh my god, you should watch
his videos on YouTube. He's hilarious. Is he funny for
the saying funny things or for the thing you mentioned
he does? I don't think, honestly, I don't know if
(39:17):
there's a real if there's a connection between it. But
he's been known to uh to drink his own calm
ah ah, but I've never seen him do that. It's
just kind of a It's the only comedian I've ever
heard of who could do that was a guy named
what I'm here? Yea, all of a sudden, what's gonna what?
(39:43):
You got pissed? What's going on? All? Right? But look,
did I hate to do it? Chris? Chris, I hate
to do this. You're fired? What do you mean? Okay, Look,
I've hired everyone from alchemy this to come on and
just do stuff around the house. I can't. You're you're
the last one. You made it this far and Survivor
(40:04):
came up with that character, and Nikki shits you didn't.
You didn't come up with that. Look like, remember we
were like on an island together where and we were
playing like that thing where I was like You're the
best comedian in the whole world. And I just thought,
like me when the character was called back. Yeah, Chris,
you gotta go, dude. I want to fix your cars.
(40:24):
You haven't, dude, but I want to. You said you
could fix Tesla. She funked it up. You know how
many car batteries you put in there? Like die Hard
batteries you shoved in there like a ship done? Dude?
Are you funked up my entire suspension? What's what? Then?
Is Craig doing? What's he doing so great? I don't know.
I fired everybody. He I fired him like months ago.
(40:45):
Oh wait, I'm I'm the last alchemist who works for you.
Were you not listening? Do you not know what's going on?
All rand here? Chris? You gotta go? This is this
is nuts? You mean? Do you get your hair off
my chest? Dude? I'm working out, Chris. What's going It's
three am? Hey? Can I can? I? What is what
(41:05):
is Chris doing here? Okay? Me and me and tool
are sleeping? What are you doing? It's three am. I
just um, if James wakes up, he's gonna be pissed.
James is here. Yeah, he's gotta he's gotta early call tomorrow,
call like called time, like for a show. Oh no, no, no,
(41:29):
like okay, okay, um Joey, Joey fired me. Man joined
the cloth. You know he's moving into those new condos.
Uh huh those those crazy Kevin comes out here. Don't
mention it like he's really annoyed by it. Okay, Hey, morning, warm,
(41:54):
it's been warm recently. Morning. What time do you? Yeah, Chris,
you put on some coffee. Chris? Wait, what are you
doing here? Are you? Are you still you sleep walking?
It's three o'clock in the morning. Yeah, no, I gotta
paper out. I gotta be out there at four. So
fuck it's James. Did you wake up? James? I didn't
(42:15):
get that, did you guys get that? Just heard some
random screaming. I heard a noise. I just assumed it
was James. Yeah. So I'm gonna put some coffee on. Chris.
You down with some coffee. I think I gotta hit
the sack. Look all I'm saying is I'll put it
to you this way. Joey has guzzled a lot of come.
(42:37):
You know what I mean by that? You know what
I mean by that? Yeah? Right? Yeah? Do you want
Here comes James, Here comes James down the fire pole.
Oh ship Chris, what are you doing here? What's up? Oh?
I just I was in a said state. I want
to come by the alchemy house. Something out. Well, I
(43:00):
gotta wake up early, so if you guys could do this,
Mr Heney, I'm sorry that we're not gonna. Doctor is
not going to see Mr. Are you joking? I had
I had a early call. Please don't curse. I just
it's just that I don't wake up this early usually,
and I made it on time. Mr. Har No, you
did not. You should. There's an hour and a half late.
I don't care if you over slept as an hour
(43:22):
and a half light. Yes, well I was gonna see.
Maybe it's the time difference, but I don't normally do this.
But I can assume the doctor was gonna tell you
your hair is terminal. That's not true. Hold not terminal,
(43:43):
my hair, all of it. It's killing you. Your hair
is terminal. You might want a doctor within your time
zone who can who can help you, you know, like
I I understand that you know, driving over the Order
into Arizona might not be the most you know, because
that your hair is going to disenter, disintegrate quickly. Oh
(44:07):
oh thank god, I thought I thought it was gonna
kill me. Oh no, no, it's gonna kill others. Oh
I'm glad you came to see me. Um. Look if
it's terminal, it's terminal. Can I just hold hold on
a second? What time is it for you? Every time
you want it to be bud? Okay? Serious, I need
(44:30):
to get a doctor in my own time. So here's
what you need to understand. And this is a crazy
outside thing. But you know those new condoms being built? Yeah, okay,
Well there's supposed to be a chamber being built. It's
supposed to preserve semen. Hear me out. If you made
your way into that chamber, you could preserve your hair.
(44:52):
You wouldn't hurt anybody with your hair. I don't know what.
Just put a French wherever? What James? What the hell
you doing here? Oh? I was just I've picked up
a new job as inspector. I inspect condos being built.
That is that what you're Okay? That's also why you're
dressed up like an English detective. It's an inspector. Just
(45:14):
it's what you want, James. I just need to take
a look around. You know you're not allowed on the property. James,
you're not well. I wish that I could leave, but
I need to make sure that all the tanks show
me your credentials. Um. Actually, you know want you to
talk to my lawyer, Henry. Can you talk to What
are you doing? I don't but lawyer student to get
it involved. This is I'm gonna tell you. He's asked
you to leave, so now it's considered trespassing. It's a
(45:36):
violation of Los Angeles City Code one point two one six,
the State Code of three point two one six, and
the Federal code. After somebody's told you to leave. Okay, Well,
I just need to look for the semen tank. I'm
supposed to inspective really quick. If you could just I'll
be in and out. That's what everyone says about the
(45:57):
semen tank anywhere close to come on, come on, I
just want to dip my head. That doesn't seem like
something in inspector head. Okay, let's be truthful with each other.
I'm just regular old James Heeney and I've got a
terminal hair case here, okay. And if I don't get
my head in that seaman tank, that does that mean
(46:18):
your hair is gonna kill you? You know, it's confusing,
but it's not gonna kill me. It's gonna kill other people,
which at first I was like, then I don't care,
But then I thought, what about murder charges? So just
let me dip my head in for a second. Well,
he's never gonna notice it. You see the way he
drinks it. Hey, Joey, it's Kevin. Thanks for seeing me
(46:42):
on such short notice. Ship let't take it from the top. Hey, Joey,
it's Kevin. Listen, Hey, thanks for letting me just send
you Kevin. Let's just cut um. Am I so nervous?
He's not. He's actually not gonna show up. If the
first sent he sent in the tape of his take,
(47:03):
you can listen to that maybe, Okay, can I please, guys,
let's fire up the Joey's take? Please? Hey, this is
Kevin Ken It even messages love me like I'm so
(47:23):
and it's the best take we have. So I can't
respond to that, sweetheart? What are you watching? What is that?
This is median Joey Greer. He's about to drink this.
What is he about? This is kind of a show
for guys. I don't. He's about to drink. It's a
(47:47):
show for it's a show for guys. This is really funny,
Jesus Christ, that's not funny what it is? Yeah, I
could see what it is. I know, I know that
this isn't funny. Honeyway whoever thought this would be funny?
(48:07):
It's different us all. There is a lot of people
think So, I mean this is I've got a I've
got a pretty good sense of humor, and I don't
think that's funny. It's paid for his house, his condo
or whatever. Like he's You should see the pictures of
his house. His fridge. He didn't even care where his fridge. Yeah,
look at this. Oh that's uh, that's a putchy poo. Sorry,
(48:29):
all right, here we go. Yeah that's his house right there,
Jesus Christ. Alright, well resume it looks pretty good, but
it's just for the less sixteen months. You're an assistant,
is that right? Assistant to Joey Greer. Okay, so you're
all on this resume together, is that right? Yeah, we're
(48:49):
a team. You can't break us up. We all live together,
except for Chris. He lives separately for some reason. Why
is that that's kind of personal. Can we get on
with the right all right? Yeah, so, I mean it's
a really specific but real simple job. We're just looking
for dead rats. We just clicked dead rats from the city.
(49:12):
We put them in this uh lap, one of these? Right?
No no, no, no, no, no no no, this once
and for all we're doing. We are you talking about?
This is a mouse? Holy shid? You kill them? Oh
my god? Crico crick. And then you go to jail. Buddy,
(49:37):
you just killed the pope. Are for violation of Code
three point two one six. You killed the fucking poem.
Damn you're not your law Oh yeah, my turn, yea
as I could probably get you out of you if
you want to have your case reviewing. Judge, What are
(49:59):
the guys? What are the guys watching on the TV
over there? Uh oh, it looks like the Joey Greer
Special Special Kris Vardo. You have a visitor, please go
to window too. That's is for you. Good luck. That's me. Yeah,
all right, guard, I'm here for the two. Hey, it's me.
(50:19):
I'm just up as a guard. Oh yeah, oh that
makes sense because they would people will go crazy if
you're right, right, And then paid my way into do
It's not the biggest deal. I have so much expendable cash.
It's sick. Look Um, I heard what you did and
I want to build you up. What what part of
what I did made you think to bail me out?
(50:43):
The middle? Damn? And that is our show, the middle?
Whoa what? I want to thank all the alchemists in
this particular order, Mr Christo Varado, Chris, love you, mad Lee,
I love you guys. I love playing. I love improvising.
(51:05):
It's one of my favorite things to do. High playing
with Joey and Craig and James and a tool and
you Kevin. It's so much fun. Thanks for letting me play, Doug,
Doug ee, thanks for that crazy scene suggestion. I hope
we hope we nailed it. I hope we got it
somewhere near it. Comedy Fix check it out. Oh yeah,
my other podcast, Comedy Fix. Check it out. Truly wonderful.
(51:27):
Can't wait to be invited on Craig Goodkowski. How much
fun was that? I'm asking, I'm asking, can you quantify it?
And so I think the answer is varying degree. I
do want to say that that one of my my
pet Peeve vocabulary words. Is cummer bund. By the way,
(51:50):
so both a tools tuxedo and the Joey segment reminded
me of that. It's it's not cumber bund with a B,
though it's more fun to say cumber bund, but it's
a cummer bund. Wait, what is it actually the sash
that a man wears with a Yeah, but but give
me the correct pronunciation. Comer bund. There's one b, there's not.
(52:15):
I'm glad we said that. You prefer cumber bunds just
like cucomber. That's right, cucumber. James Heeney, thank you as
well for being here. Uh well, thanks for having me.
I have infinite amounts of fun when I get to
join in with this group. It is fun to improvise.
(52:36):
Find me at the real James Heeney on Instagram. Okay again,
you want to step on that first level there? That's
that's the one you want to push in? Oh what
do you think of that? I think it's it's great
to watch James just work. Um and sometimes it's out lot,
(52:58):
so it's even better. Thanks for having me. It's always
a pleasure to be here. It's hilarious. Cracks me up.
My nose is running because I was laughing. So good times,
good times, indeed, Joey Graherman, you know, good to see.
It was always great to be here. Came away from
my condor to finally be done. I can move in.
People follow you on TikTok at at God bless Jim Chump. Yeah,
(53:22):
and it spills over to your Graham on occasion, which
is appreciated by me. If you want to get some
acting challenges in, you can do with me. Feel free.
I'm trying to try to build a whole program over
on TikTok God speed. Let's thank engineering Producer of the
Stars mch deban. Fine, folks that I hurt media Pump Pump.
(53:45):
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Thank you each and every
damn one of you for listening and telling everyone you've
ever met please be kind to each other. It's gonna
work until next time. O boom and a pot of
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This is I'm
your host, Kevin. I don't actually know. I'm sorry, you
know I'm telling you, well, do you know how many
films you've done? See? But I digress. Let's no particular order.
Let's welcome Greig Kowski cow On average, how many slices
(00:22):
of pizza do you think you eat each year? At
this point in my life? Much fewer than twenty years ago. Sure, Um,
what is my heart wants? My heart wants eight slices
of pizza a day. Sure. Uh, and that's my metaphorical heart.
(00:43):
My little heart wants no, no pizza. Um. But realistically,
and and this is like counting like frozen cauliflower pizzas,
which is something that we do eat at home. Um,
so I'm you know, so I cut into six slices
for my wife and I so I have three of those. Uh.
(01:06):
So I'm saying I'm averaging I'm averaging three slices of
pizza a week. Okay, I'd say it's about a D
fifty fair. I had you down for one six one.
I was I was pretty close, pretty close. Try pizza Oka,
Try pizza cupcake as soon as you get it, please,
I beg of you. Um mo, please say hello to
Chris Alvarado, the People's Choice. What would you like to
(01:29):
happen before years end? Four years and we're going deep.
I think I'd like to book something. And I think
I'd like to see some progress on my chess workouts.
I've been doing okay, well that's all, and I'm yeah,
(01:50):
I'm doing it. I'm working hard on it. Um that's
what I want to see before year's end. I just
I just thought thistion for Jessica's show, which is a
weird thing to have to do, yes, because she's helping
me with the tape self tape for everybody, and she's
really she's just she's so talented and funny, but now
there's this pressure. Sure you don't want to embarrass her
(02:12):
on her show, and it's just it's it was a
bit of a mind a mind funk. But you know
what isn't a mind fun Kevin is the choice to
have cauliflower pizza. I eat that once a week myself.
Batter of fact, after this recording, I'm going to Costco
to get my favorite cauliflower pizza. Craig. I know it
isn't the same my man, I know it isn't the same,
but it works. Can I ask a real novice also
(02:34):
known as stupid question, what part of the pizza is
the cauliflower, the crust, the crust. Okay, so the gluten
free cauliflower crust pizza. It's it's what it's like what
Craig's Our heart doesn't want it, but our heart wants
Is it crispy? Yes? Okay, yes, that's that's always my
(02:55):
because when I picture eating cauliflower, it is not crispy.
It's usually mushy. James, this says, This says, you can
do it for like twelve to fifteen minutes. I do
sixteen minutes on purpose to get that extra crisp. I'll
give it a shot. Give it a shot. Please, give
it a shot. Remember, and I'm a big pizza fan.
And uh I'd like to try it. It's not the worst.
(03:18):
We need your We need your review immediately, James. But first, Stacy, Jim,
what happens when you work out? Oh? Um, well, when
I work out? Uh, I get it. I don't know.
I are you asking me what happened when I worked
out at Venice Beach? Well? The story is on January second, no.
(03:39):
I wrote this two days ago. He wrote this two
days ago. It was just okay. Well, now I guess
I'll have to say what happened when I last worked out.
When I was trying to go the second day of
the New Year a couple of years ago. I went
to Muscle Beach, it's two blocks from my house. Did
some pull ups. It was fantastic at it, went to
the dips bar, moved a towel from the center to
(04:01):
the edge so I could get in the center of
the dips bar and do some dips. And a gentleman
with lots of tattoos on his head got right in
my face and was just shouting, don't touch other people's things.
And he was like spitting this before COVID. Thank god,
otherwise it would have been freaking out. Uh. And then
he went on. So to be cleared, point of reference,
(04:22):
you were not freaking out at that point because this
was pre COVID, Well I was. I was scared out
of my mind. I thought I was gonna die that day. Uh.
And uh so the guy told me not to and
then he showed me how to do dips at the
end of the PA. He didn't he didn't he didn't
then go like, hey, but let me give you a tip.
What did he say to you? He says, that's not
(04:43):
even how you fucking do and then he starts at
the end, and then afterwards like he left, and like
I didn't know what to do. I was like, do
I just go home now? So I like, I like
worked out for like five four minutes at like the
for pieces, and then I jogged home and I never
went back to muscle Beach again. That's one of my
(05:05):
favorite stories. What the hell it's a tool? Sing up town, Johnny?
Uh while wearing a tuxedo, when you look at yourself
in the mirror, who do you resemble or want to?
Oh man, that's that's a good question. Um, oh man,
that's a real good question. Um like a classic tuxedo.
(05:26):
So I think I've seen like Denzel. Yeah, I'm gonna
go with Denzel. I think this is in this classic.
I hate I hate to interrupt, but but but a tool.
Don't do it. Don't already tell us tell us about
your talks. I've over over the last two three. I
get Brad's deals. Um. Brad's Deals is the closest thing
(05:48):
I can think of a place that reminds me for
you guys, be Costco. I get Brad's Deal's emails every
day and they have great deals, and I decided I
went to two events where I had to rent tuxedos.
I was no, I don't want to do that anymore.
So I started piecing together a tuck. So I started
looking for tucks items on sale. And over the last
two years I've gotten the jacket, the shirt, the pants. Uh,
(06:12):
and I already have a tie, so it's been very exciting.
And just got the pants. They're not tailored yet, but uh,
they fit well. And I need more about Brad's Deals.
Is Brad's Deal's a internet warehouse just they just tell
you they just connected. So I get so much, you know,
I go through there for a lot of things, shoes, cigars.
(06:36):
I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Of course, I'd also
appreciate you never comparing it again. The same excitement you
get talking about Costco, I get it with. There's got
you got you. That comparison is completely fair and accepted
and in fact enjoyed, and thank you for that. Uh.
(06:56):
And now last but less room on the dance floor
for you. If you think at least it's Joey Greer
magic rectum. What is your favorite smell and why? I
have hundreds of favorite smells with My favorite of all,
favorite of all smells is when you dip your hands
in hot chocolate, melted chocolate milk, rub them together, and
(07:19):
then you just find a nice popcorn ceiling and you
rub your hand right across the top and then you
just smell of that popcorn fall off like a little
like chocolate rain. Oh wow, do a damn show. All
of our scenes suggestion gathers from your listener emails or
from our patroon to v I P s. Have become
a patron support of the show and enjoy exclusive content
like standalone bonus scenes you heard me, or video of
(07:42):
our recording sessions or the highest level of the Alcamaniact.
You'll have a chance to join us for one of
these zoom sessions that we record in every week. Just
head on over to patron dot com slash. If you
like some of the scenes suggestion by email, please right
to the podcast at our email dress which is Alchemy
This email at gmail dot com. Seen one comes from
(08:06):
Patreon VMP Derek, who wrote though a patron supporter I'm
writing this to you at your newesh email address. Uh,
which he did, and he goes on to say, hello Kevin,
I am a high and oh sorry, hello Kevin, I
am high and have the munchies. Scene suggestion drive through window?
(08:29):
Thank you, Derek? Yeah, so what time did you say
he got in last night? I don't even understand what
you're saying. I don't know what what do you what
do you want? And we're about to get to the window. Okay, um,
I can't. I don't know until I see the menu. Okay,
we just passed them and you said he didn't want
to look at the menu. That's because you drove so fast. Okay, okay, okay,
(08:53):
where can I get? You? Give us one second? What
do you want to want of burger doing chicken? Can
they get a flabby chicken with the two types of sauces?
So you do know what you want? Waffle fries? So
you know what you want? A strawberry milk shim sorry
you're not ready to order? Were ready? I want the
(09:13):
flamy chicken with the two sauces that I want a
strawberry milkshake on the side, which too, sauces come with
the one withoud come of the chicken, probably barbecue, honey mustard.
Is that you are allowed to choose two sauces. We
have buffalo ranch, buffalo ranch, mustard, mustard, Ranch, soy sauce,
(09:34):
Sweet and sour sauce, sour sauce, Sweet sauce, spicy, sweet
and sour sauce. Let's just go home. I'm not just
go home. Hi, and welcome to Corny. So how can
I take your order? Hello? Are you physically here? Are
you one of those people that's like in a different
city and I'm talking to somebody else because I have
a very specific order. No, I'm I'm in the window. Actually,
(10:00):
that's me over here. Say something. I want to see
your lips move. What would you like me to just say? Hey,
it's me, But just stick your head out so I
know it's your lips moving when I hear it. Okay, Hey,
that's great. This is why I come to Cornis because
(10:20):
you hire locally. Uh yes, all right, Well let me
just look at the menute. Okay, I'm gonna let me
text my wife for a quick and see what she wants. Yeah,
(10:41):
give me one stack. You're gonna take your tongue in
one second. Hey, Stevie. Yeah, you got my cash? Huh? Okay, yes,
I think she might be a meeting. She's not responding,
but we'll just wait a minute. But I'm gonna have
the extra long horny um with the sweet sauce and
(11:03):
the sour sauce. Please don't put it the sweet sauce
in the sour sauce together. I'll distribute. Yeah, well, in
a second, what do you want? Their honking as from behind?
Please please tell me what sauce you want? Please? Okay,
I'll have the jack hoole sauce yourself. Oh my god,
that's not that's sorry about that, sir. We don't we
(11:25):
don't get why why don't we get that? Hey? What
the fuck? Get away from my wife? When you are
you doing? Get away? Hey? Roll down your window, miss, No,
don't roll down your window. He's handsome. There a problem here?
Do you know how? I've never been a slay before,
We've been a flabby before. Okay, we're just gonna get
our orders given order. This is how you order. Let
me get a number two flabby extra sauce. No what no?
(11:50):
What you too appear? But you guys order? Hi, Welcome
to Wendy it's can I take your order? Yeah, let
me get a let me get uh we get a
card and with cigarettes, a baby egg. Uh, I don't know,
maybe one of those wind turbines and um, y'all do
(12:11):
hot sausage. We don't have any of those items. We
oh damn dawn, damn no I uh we do get
a lot of people confused sometimes because we're not Windy's
with an e. Were Windy's with an eye. We sell,
We sell windows, oh damn. All right, so this whole
(12:34):
drive through apparatus is just to get window panes. You
know what if you're looking for panes, uh sills, you know,
like window we sell windows and window adjacent uh blinds
we do. We do do blinds. Oh so, y'all do sausage? What? No,
we don't do sausage. Okay, alright, alright, So that's one
(12:56):
extra long corny. Get the sweet and sour sauce. Did
your wife ever you just get a turkey corny for her?
She doesn't need beef anymore. Che one second, chie, I
put that envelope in your locker. You should have had
that cash already. I paid you back. Don't do this, man,
Don't do this man, listen, I'll fight you right now
(13:19):
at work. Okay, So a turkey corny, yeah right, it's
not bad though. Excuse me, excuse me, fine, sir, I'm
sorry to interrupt. I ordered a large corny a couple
of days ago, and I'm still waiting to hear from you. Okay,
(13:43):
did we tell you to pull up? You did? And
where's your car? I'm parked right around the corner there, Tesla,
m it is. I was an early adapter, so I've
been waiting two days for this corny up to adopt both.
I was it, I was it. Okay, I don't know
(14:09):
what to tell you. Um, if you place your order,
it's on its way. It's on its way. Fine, good
enough for me, Fine, sir, Richie Stevie, can I touch you?
Yes for a second. Sorry, we'll get to your orders
in a moment, y'all. Just what's up? We're gonna have
to close Cornyes? What? What? Yeah? I mean you guys
(14:30):
saw this come much? Only YouTube working here? Uh, you know,
like a bike sail or something. I know, you know,
I thought I could. I appreciate that, Richie, but and all, honest, yeah,
we can't sustain this. Uh, it's your own pocket, dude,
I'm not leaving. Ritchie told him about our our side hustle. No,
(14:55):
well what is this? What is it? Well, sometimes we
deal drugs out the window. Why and yeah it's actually
we make more money than Cornies does. On you're dealing
drugs out of my cornies. Okay, you know what. Both
of you are out of here. No, we're not fine.
We're not. No, we're not we're not. Yeah, you are
not fine, sirs us Sorry once again. Just sure you
(15:17):
know it's the black Tesla. So when that corny is up, sir,
I'm sorry about this. Look you're not gonna get your corny.
This I can adapt. I can adapt. Scene one, he
can adapt, he will adopt. Scene too comes from listener Chris,
(15:39):
who simply wrote scene suggestion spaghetti already fast food Italian
Chris Sheer. Okay, guys, so, as you know, I used
to run the Cornish and I promised that this establishment
will not have the same fate. Okay, uh, spaghetti in
my betty. I know it's supposed to say belly, but
(16:02):
I thought it was better. I'm just looking for a Graham.
M Is there a Graham? I don't think anyone name
is Graham. Oh my name is Graham. Oh Graham. Okay,
do you want to do this outside or we're just
doing our lineup? We're not open yet, those two guys
(16:24):
in the back. That's why I actually wanted to talk
to uh ste so not Graham. Uh yeah, I like
my usual order. Oh yes, we're not open. Yeah, I
get it, man. My conversation is not with you. I
just gotta see. Yeah, it's not with you, dude. Okay,
(16:44):
it is my business, so you know, and you brought
us along because you made you made me right, you
change yourself to the cornies, and you said they're gonna
have to bulldoze us too, those if they're gonna pull
So I just said, yeah, I'll just re hi. Are you?
Thanks so much? Okay? Agent Johnson, you were able to
(17:08):
collect that graham of cocaine from the what did you say?
It was a fast what now fast food restaurants? Spaghetti
spaghetti food? One says cocaine anymore? What do they call it? Dope? Yeah?
I don't know what that is. Um they call it
sugar fine, sugar powder. You can even call it brown sugar, um,
(17:32):
teaching sugar salt. No, it's candy. Yeah, I've heard that too,
sweet sour sauce, sour sauce, sweet sauce, Buffalo ranch, a
lot of nicknames, but if you said cocaine, everyone's gonna
know you're a cop. Okay, cool, Thank you for that.
Haven't been in the field and so many years. It's
nice to hear what's going on out there. Finger on
(17:54):
the top. Hi, I'll take um, one large spaghetti in
my Betty and um does that come with garlic bread?
Or is that extra? I'm not actually on site, so
so every store does it differently. I'm actually in Utah
and Provo, so oh okay, I'll still take the large
(18:16):
spaghetti in my Betty and garlic bread. Please. They have
spaghetti sandwiches, I'll do half flu what see if they
have a spaghetti sandwich? Give me what jazz? I thought
you were smart? I am see if why do you
(18:39):
I went to Yale from my undergraduate so I think
you were smart? What is that still there? See if
they have yeah, see if they have a spaghetti sandwich? See? Okay,
all right, Um, do you guys have any spaghetti? So
they're new to the menu nationwide? Smart choice? Sir? What
(19:02):
do they have it? Yeah? They have it. Do you
want it? I'll look at that. Yeah, I'll take Okay, yeah,
we'll take one sphe to be delicious. Oh my god,
that actually sounds really good. Uh, Tina, I'm sorry to
have to do this as uh as the dean of
m I T. But your doctorate in mathematics has been
revoked from what do you mean? How? What? What are
(19:25):
you talking about? Like? We got an anonymous tip that
you ordered a spaghetti sandwich. I did, Yeah, from spaghetti Betty,
Well are you serious with that? But they can't do this.
They have the spaghetti. It's not a stupid thing. They
have it. And uh hey, welcome home, babe. How is
(19:48):
your day? How is your day? I got fired and
I hacked into your email. What was the last part?
I hacked into your email and I saw that you
had sent all the deans and m I T an
(20:11):
insane story about me ordering a spaghetti sandwich. And then
I used the spaghetti sandwich to kind of like that
whole I don't know that story where that person on
eBay about a clip, and then from they bought the clip,
they bought the thing, then they get a car, and
and then I made a drug empire with it is
that that I'm I'm gone, I'm out of here. Okay,
(20:34):
go up with your sad life. I call this meeting
of all the deans of m I t um no,
that's actually the point. Uh, don't forget the dog. I
don't even know how that happened. Uh. But here's the thing, guys,
we're at thirty two right now. Uh. The board UH
tells us we need to get down to eighteens, so
(20:57):
ums by twenty four deans. That happened. The Dean of
mathis here. I have a PhD in mathematics. Eighteen sounds fine. Eight,
I'm sorry. Eight eight is where we want to be. Well,
we can't cut the dog. Well I think we know,
says the dog. Okay, everyone looks like everyone's voting a
(21:19):
on the dog. Alright, so we have Uh, I'm a
talking dog. You can't cut me. You're good, alright, Dean dog,
you're good. All right. You don't need to interrupt. Now,
so we have seven. How do you propose we dropped
to vote them out? All right? Well, Dan dog is good. No,
don't need to worry about dean dog. Seven spots Left's
(21:43):
a good dog. Should choose the other dean. I Dean Dog. Um,
I want to talk to you about my upcoming class load.
Overwhelmed alight, a lot of classes, but I also know
if I want to graduate early and with honors, it's
something I need to do right. But also I need
(22:05):
to make a living. I'm not like one of the
rich students here, so I got to get a job,
probably in fast food or something. I just feel overwhelmed. Well,
you can have someone pay you to catch a ball,
bring it back, Dean Dog. That doesn't work for us, Okay,
Dean Dog. Should you be smoking? Why not? Oh? Maybe
(22:28):
it's not fast for dog? How you look? You look great?
Thank you? Can I rub your that's inappropriate? Can I
rub your belly? That's inappropriate? Well? Then, why is your
leg moving because I'm trying to get away from you.
I'm trying to Oh you did out, Dean Dog. You
(22:57):
can't bite students. Okay, So although you made an impassionate
plea on your your defense to stay as a dean,
we're gonna have to revoke your your again. Revoke the dog. Okay,
it was persuasive last time, it sounds persuasive now. But
like we're also you're not seventy two your ten. Technically Okay,
(23:19):
look who's back at the pound? Oh, looky, looky, Mr
smarty doggie. It's just temporary. And that's the one with
the pH Look at you. Yeah, we're supposed to be impressed.
You're talking dog. We're all talking dogs. Let me smile
(23:40):
your asshole. See if you're specials, everyone sees. Oh. I
think that maybe we should stop using outsourced uh telecom
for picking up the orders to go in the drive through.
It's kind of like Richie and I got this thing
going in one of the reasons we love Stevie ste
(24:02):
I'm up to my ass right now, okay, and all
these receipts. I gotta figure this out. Okay, can we
talk about this another time? Cash at least I can't
get We're already intent. I can't give you cash apparently,
and we have so many people coming in, but no
one's buying any of this spe I'm not sure if
this is an appropriate time. But still still waiting on
(24:22):
that corny. So the corny is gone. There's no corny. Okay,
no corny. No'd like a spaghetti sandwich. A spaghetti sandwich,
now I could help. Do you want to maybe you
could hang out with Graham. Hang out with Graham. What
(24:43):
do you know? Order spaghetti sandwich? What do you do?
Why are you trying to like unsell this guy? Just
by the spaghetti. You're gonna love it, So you're gonna
love it. Well, I'll take a spaghetti sandwich. I'll be
waiting to my test law already ready, the spaghetti's ready.
Spaghetti read so fast, it's so fast, you're just put
it on this spread here, and you're just gonna say
good in your betty. I don't know if I trust
(25:03):
a spaghetti sandwich that just pops right up. I mean
that's kind of our jam. Well, okay, excuse me, sir.
You want the flat weather, the speckling with your spaghetti
batty sandwich. I was gonna take it to go? Do
I have to have a water well? That mouse stresses?
The pope want you to pick one or the other?
(25:25):
I get adapt, I gett adapt. These are weird, weird circumstances.
So we've called you into the Testa office because you
apparently have the best Tesla battery ever built. Um, thank you,
and we want to Ellen called and he wants your tesla,
and he's willing to give you any of the other teslas. Yeah, actually, sir,
(25:48):
he's here here, now here. Do not look at them directly,
don't smell him, don't look at him, don't say the
word Jesus I. I really should get back to work.
Shut up, Graham. Yeah, it's weird. I've adopted him. I'm
an early adopter. Lord Musk, Lord Musk, Lord o, Lord Musk,
(26:12):
Lord Musk, Lord Musk. Yes, it's great to be here again.
Let me just say that I'm very fond of hold
of workers. That's back here for me and my billion.
So does anyone have any questions? Or perhaps you should
just get right to the point of today's business. I'm
(26:32):
going to send one of you to the moon. I
think today's business was to discuss his battery. All right,
night night, Which one of you has the greatest battery?
He's got more of a Hitler, it's definitely more north.
Which one of you is? What is standing next to Graham?
(26:56):
That's that's me, sir. All right, I'm Graham. Hello Graham.
I've been told that you have the greatest test, the
battery of all time, and I'm I would very much
like to give you any TESTA love you're choosing and replaced. Well,
what's what state of the art right now? This one
right here. I drove it to you myself, and it's
(27:17):
the nicest test that's been off the assembly line today.
All right, Graham, So again this is your ignition. You
have to press this button. Okay. The rocket's not going
to go off unless you get Unless you pressed up button,
you're staying. So I'm going to space. Yeah, you're going
to Mars. You don't tell me that you're the guy.
I really I don't want to hear this ship. Dude. Okay,
I'm in the right now. Okay, so am I? Okay, Hey, boss,
(27:44):
manager Richie and I we were thinking, well what we
think you're pretty cool. We want to stay. We want
to save the spaghetti shop. So tonight, I'm sorry, I
got to close. I have to close. We're gonna save it,
gonna pass around a big stand. People are gonna pay
play rock and roll up on the roof. Close. How
(28:07):
much money do you need? Give me a dollar amount?
Three million dollars? All right, give us a shot, Ritchie,
I mean okay, okay, yeah, if you're telling me that
that small bucket is gonna have three million dollars at
the end of the night. Then yeah, let's do it.
Let's do it. Richie fucking who's the band? Me? Ritchie
(28:31):
and this guy named h Peachie Pooh, I know that
guy's banned from the store. You can't be here. He'll
be on the roof. That's still the store it is. Yes, No,
that's a good question. Yes the answers. Yes, okay, I
guess you don't want to say, Mr Musca. Sorry to
(28:52):
disturb you from your nap, but your favorite band is
performing tonight at the Little Tough to actually local speak anybody,
um um, I'll tell you what whenever we buy the place,
and then I have the best seats in the house. Yes, sir,
of course I'll go make an offer. All right. I
(29:12):
know that sort of came off as a question, but
you both do understand what I mean. Thanks for showing up.
One two, one to wait, Hold on, what are you
doing up here in this roof, sir? Say, I just
wanted to see how you play the instruments, and that
not to make the sounds with your face. Look, we
only play if we see money in the bucket. Ah, alright,
(29:36):
I don't have any cash on me. Isn't that funny?
Billionaires never seemed to have any cash. I'm about a check.
I could venmo use six s talart agent Jensen. I
was under the impression that we banished Peachie Pooh back
to his demention. We did, sir, what's the problem. Well, well,
now I'm being told that he's showing up at some concert.
(30:00):
My god, that must means that the dimensions are splitting
and rejoining in a different way. Hold on a second,
we'll do something about it, Jensen. Let me hold you
my infrastructure building. Right, where's that crew? Photos from the
fast let me see the photo from the fur Well here,
I'm not in it. I'm not in it, God, damn it.
So it's still this still this reality, still this reality.
(30:23):
Where did you get to go to the court? Damn?
And you know what this well we've been we've become
closer since, Like if I had an inauguration, now you'd
be invited. Oh my god, but third eye blind played
this time, Mr President, Mr Jensen, you're spaque sandwiches are here,
thank you? Oh oh man, this is soggy. This is
(30:45):
just a rock heart meet the president in the Douane Smuckling.
What the fund. Is this mouse doing here? It's okay?
Mr President? Mr President, he's a he's an eight, he's
a president is yes, timeline? Are we in now? I
don't know? But little mouse he's dressed up as the popes.
What do you mean you put down the dog? He's
(31:07):
a dean and we need him back. Hey, man, I
didn't do what I'm told? Man? Yeah, what do you
want me to do? Not everything you're told? Did he
say any did he have any less words? Oh? He
screamed man. Yeah, he said a lot of crazy ship.
What did he say exactly? I need to write this down.
He said he had every single detail to build some
(31:28):
kind of machine to recouple all the dimensions and whatnot
or some ship. Okay? And did he give you any
clue as to how he would go about doing that? Yeah?
He talked to me about a very specific metal alloy
that only found like in somewhere in Central America, as
well as connecting two different conductors, which which, uh, come on,
(31:49):
what the hell are those conductors? Come on? I makes
me think of a train. Don't it take a place? Oh? Yeah,
I gotta go. This is that's right? What is my brain? All? Right? Well,
I'll see you. Let Tina, we we feel bad. We're
giving you your doctorate back. Spaghetti sandwiches have taken off
(32:10):
and everyone's eating him now, So I don't really need
that anymore because I was an early adopter to that
stock two uh spaghetti ready stock. Yeah, you're looking at
the fastest billionaire in American history? How fast are you? Really? Fast? Second?
(32:31):
When the like the forty and like four point two seconds? Well,
I mean we we just have this doctorate lying around.
We killed Dean Dog and what don't get what? A
lot of crazy stuff has happened. He he was great,
(32:53):
he was great, but yeah, we we put him down.
He was the foremost expert on interdimensional track of all
and rejoining what who's taking over his stuff? Well, Dean cat,
I've been here the whole time. Oh my god, Oh wait, god,
you're under the table. This is inappropriate you or you
(33:14):
should not be listening to our conversation. This is you
know what I'm buying at M I T I'm gonna
make some changes around the pool area. Oh really, you're
gonna change the pool? Can you rub my neck? It's
an infinity pool with mathematicians, it's infinite. This pool not anymore.
(33:37):
What you're saying, it's a finite pool, alright, Stevie, wha wait, Ritchie, Sorry, okay,
it's okay. What's wrong? You seem really nothing? We did it.
We did it like that was the best show of
her lives. We barely needed to play. But like that's
(33:59):
our purpose. Now, well, I guess could go back to
slinging drugs through the windows. How is it? How much
mone's you gonna make? Well? Ellen venmo to six bucks
something like that. But the other people who came around
gave us three million dollars in cash. Where whether where
is it? Well, that's the thing. What's wait? What what's
(34:25):
the thing? Did he walk away? Where's he going? Excuse
me to understand. I'm the lead singer for the Counting Crows.
I don't know if you remember us from the inauguration
we performed seven years ago. But a Third Eye Blind
I'm sorry, is this Fred Turst? People get those names confused.
(34:46):
I'm the singer for the Counting Goes. I was trying
to remember the Counting Crows, Guy, Fred, I recall a
third hype Blind. Kevin Crows played first in the first
inauguration and then Third Eye blind playing the second one.
I don't think you're telling me. In this reality, Fred
Durst ended up counting crows and Adam Durret's headed up
limp biscuit. That's what I'm telling you right now. That's
(35:08):
everything is wrong, President, Mr President chat A. Graham has
landed on Mars. A Graham of what I of? I
don't know of what? Graham? Hey, hey, everyone's Graham. Um boys,
(35:31):
there's really nobody here. You left your shift when you
left Earth without clocking out, and now your hours have
really built up. Now we got to talk to the
count and to change it. I was told to go
along with the Tesla guy and he adopted me, and
then Mr Musk put me on a flight to the
(35:53):
m hm. Mr must put me on a flight to Mars. Look,
do anything. I just want to work here. Well, I
don't know what you want me to fledge around here? Okay,
uh spaghetti, Betty's on a business anymore. So I can't
change anything on Countywise, you're gonna have to pay Graham
whatever he's out. M Are you there? Did I hang
(36:15):
up by actullent? I'm just here to get your orders.
Oh sorry, yes, I was on the phone I'll do
a What the funk are you? I'll do a I'll
do a flat. Yeah, do you have any cheese? Wait? Graham? Graham, Graham?
Remember us, remember us, used to work to work with you. Yeah,
(36:38):
it's the true. You got a big gas buyout because
you didn't clock out and all those all the time
you were a marg You got paid hourly for that.
Plus over there two million dollars shift, holy shift. Yeah,
I'm buying m I T that has seemed too Yeah.
(37:02):
Scene three comes from patron arch maniac doug who wrote
Dear Lovely Alchemists. Here goes another shot in the dart
to try to pop your comedic concrete balloons. Scene suggestion
construction crews conflicted in construction of condos, contemplate, conjuring, come consuming,
comedian best wishes, fun bishes Dougie. Yeah, so what time
(37:28):
do we start on the building tomorrow? Sir? I'd like
to get the crew there as early as possible, but
I'm getting need to know what what time we are
all on the We'd like to go right away at seven, Okay,
we feel that's a little late, tom Tommy, I'm talking,
we feel that, Tommy. I swear a christ right between
the we'd like to start earlier than seven if we could. So,
(37:53):
is it okay? If me and the fellas and the
two broads who insisted their way into our crew show
up at six, that's I'm sorry, I just can't happen.
But notice the way you speak to one of your employees.
Yeah that's Tommy. He's like my cousin's uncle or okay,
it's family, all right, then I won't speak on it.
(38:13):
It's you know what I'm saying. I'm so I got
my nephew working here. He's an idiot, went to m
I t r Oh that's no good for destruction the crap. Yeah,
so beautiful. Yeah, we just you know, we got a
tight timeline. We don't want to miss any days. I
(38:35):
want to. Can I ask you a quick question? What christ?
It's just I I heard that these condos are being
built for simbody pre special. Uh we allowed to ask
if it's yeah? No, no, we're not allowed to ask.
I mean how many times it was a come slipper?
It doesn't matter what happens in this, just build a
(38:56):
f and condom. I'm a big fan, though, well big fan,
you're a big fan of a kum slurpers that what
you just send? Comedian? Oh my god, you should watch
his videos on YouTube. He's hilarious. Is he funny for
the saying funny things or for the thing you mentioned
he does? I don't think, honestly, I don't know if
(39:17):
there's a real if there's a connection between it. But
he's been known to uh to drink his own calm
ah ah, but I've never seen him do that. It's
just kind of a It's the only comedian I've ever
heard of who could do that was a guy named
what I'm here? Yea, all of a sudden, what's gonna what?
(39:43):
You got pissed? What's going on? All? Right? But look,
did I hate to do it? Chris? Chris, I hate
to do this. You're fired? What do you mean? Okay, Look,
I've hired everyone from alchemy this to come on and
just do stuff around the house. I can't. You're you're
the last one. You made it this far and Survivor
(40:04):
came up with that character, and Nikki shits you didn't.
You didn't come up with that. Look like, remember we
were like on an island together where and we were
playing like that thing where I was like You're the
best comedian in the whole world. And I just thought,
like me when the character was called back. Yeah, Chris,
you gotta go, dude. I want to fix your cars.
(40:24):
You haven't, dude, but I want to. You said you
could fix Tesla. She funked it up. You know how
many car batteries you put in there? Like die Hard
batteries you shoved in there like a ship done? Dude?
Are you funked up my entire suspension? What's what? Then?
Is Craig doing? What's he doing so great? I don't know.
I fired everybody. He I fired him like months ago.
(40:45):
Oh wait, I'm I'm the last alchemist who works for you.
Were you not listening? Do you not know what's going on?
All rand here? Chris? You gotta go? This is this
is nuts? You mean? Do you get your hair off
my chest? Dude? I'm working out, Chris. What's going It's
three am? Hey? Can I can? I? What is what
(41:05):
is Chris doing here? Okay? Me and me and tool
are sleeping? What are you doing? It's three am. I
just um, if James wakes up, he's gonna be pissed.
James is here. Yeah, he's gotta he's gotta early call tomorrow,
call like called time, like for a show. Oh no, no, no,
(41:29):
like okay, okay, um Joey, Joey fired me. Man joined
the cloth. You know he's moving into those new condos.
Uh huh those those crazy Kevin comes out here. Don't
mention it like he's really annoyed by it. Okay, Hey, morning, warm,
(41:54):
it's been warm recently. Morning. What time do you? Yeah, Chris,
you put on some coffee. Chris? Wait, what are you
doing here? Are you? Are you still you sleep walking?
It's three o'clock in the morning. Yeah, no, I gotta
paper out. I gotta be out there at four. So
fuck it's James. Did you wake up? James? I didn't
(42:15):
get that, did you guys get that? Just heard some
random screaming. I heard a noise. I just assumed it
was James. Yeah. So I'm gonna put some coffee on. Chris.
You down with some coffee. I think I gotta hit
the sack. Look all I'm saying is I'll put it
to you this way. Joey has guzzled a lot of come.
(42:37):
You know what I mean by that? You know what
I mean by that? Yeah? Right? Yeah? Do you want
Here comes James, Here comes James down the fire pole.
Oh ship Chris, what are you doing here? What's up? Oh?
I just I was in a said state. I want
to come by the alchemy house. Something out. Well, I
(43:00):
gotta wake up early, so if you guys could do this,
Mr Heney, I'm sorry that we're not gonna. Doctor is
not going to see Mr. Are you joking? I had
I had a early call. Please don't curse. I just
it's just that I don't wake up this early usually,
and I made it on time. Mr. Har No, you
did not. You should. There's an hour and a half late.
I don't care if you over slept as an hour
(43:22):
and a half light. Yes, well I was gonna see.
Maybe it's the time difference, but I don't normally do this.
But I can assume the doctor was gonna tell you
your hair is terminal. That's not true. Hold not terminal,
(43:43):
my hair, all of it. It's killing you. Your hair
is terminal. You might want a doctor within your time
zone who can who can help you, you know, like
I I understand that you know, driving over the Order
into Arizona might not be the most you know, because
that your hair is going to disenter, disintegrate quickly. Oh
(44:07):
oh thank god, I thought I thought it was gonna
kill me. Oh no, no, it's gonna kill others. Oh
I'm glad you came to see me. Um. Look if
it's terminal, it's terminal. Can I just hold hold on
a second? What time is it for you? Every time
you want it to be bud? Okay? Serious, I need
(44:30):
to get a doctor in my own time. So here's
what you need to understand. And this is a crazy
outside thing. But you know those new condoms being built? Yeah, okay,
Well there's supposed to be a chamber being built. It's
supposed to preserve semen. Hear me out. If you made
your way into that chamber, you could preserve your hair.
(44:52):
You wouldn't hurt anybody with your hair. I don't know what.
Just put a French wherever? What James? What the hell
you doing here? Oh? I was just I've picked up
a new job as inspector. I inspect condos being built.
That is that what you're Okay? That's also why you're
dressed up like an English detective. It's an inspector. Just
(45:14):
it's what you want, James. I just need to take
a look around. You know you're not allowed on the property. James,
you're not well. I wish that I could leave, but
I need to make sure that all the tanks show
me your credentials. Um. Actually, you know want you to
talk to my lawyer, Henry. Can you talk to What
are you doing? I don't but lawyer student to get
it involved. This is I'm gonna tell you. He's asked
you to leave, so now it's considered trespassing. It's a
(45:36):
violation of Los Angeles City Code one point two one six,
the State Code of three point two one six, and
the Federal code. After somebody's told you to leave. Okay, Well,
I just need to look for the semen tank. I'm
supposed to inspective really quick. If you could just I'll
be in and out. That's what everyone says about the
(45:57):
semen tank anywhere close to come on, come on, I
just want to dip my head. That doesn't seem like
something in inspector head. Okay, let's be truthful with each other.
I'm just regular old James Heeney and I've got a
terminal hair case here, okay. And if I don't get
my head in that seaman tank, that does that mean
(46:18):
your hair is gonna kill you? You know, it's confusing,
but it's not gonna kill me. It's gonna kill other people,
which at first I was like, then I don't care,
But then I thought, what about murder charges? So just
let me dip my head in for a second. Well,
he's never gonna notice it. You see the way he
drinks it. Hey, Joey, it's Kevin. Thanks for seeing me
(46:42):
on such short notice. Ship let't take it from the top. Hey, Joey,
it's Kevin. Listen, Hey, thanks for letting me just send
you Kevin. Let's just cut um. Am I so nervous?
He's not. He's actually not gonna show up. If the
first sent he sent in the tape of his take,
(47:03):
you can listen to that maybe, Okay, can I please, guys,
let's fire up the Joey's take? Please? Hey, this is
Kevin Ken It even messages love me like I'm so
(47:23):
and it's the best take we have. So I can't
respond to that, sweetheart? What are you watching? What is that?
This is median Joey Greer. He's about to drink this.
What is he about? This is kind of a show
for guys. I don't. He's about to drink. It's a
(47:47):
show for it's a show for guys. This is really funny,
Jesus Christ, that's not funny what it is? Yeah, I
could see what it is. I know, I know that
this isn't funny. Honeyway whoever thought this would be funny?
(48:07):
It's different us all. There is a lot of people
think So, I mean this is I've got a I've
got a pretty good sense of humor, and I don't
think that's funny. It's paid for his house, his condo
or whatever. Like he's You should see the pictures of
his house. His fridge. He didn't even care where his fridge. Yeah,
look at this. Oh that's uh, that's a putchy poo. Sorry,
(48:29):
all right, here we go. Yeah that's his house right there,
Jesus Christ. Alright, well resume it looks pretty good, but
it's just for the less sixteen months. You're an assistant,
is that right? Assistant to Joey Greer. Okay, so you're
all on this resume together, is that right? Yeah, we're
(48:49):
a team. You can't break us up. We all live together,
except for Chris. He lives separately for some reason. Why
is that that's kind of personal. Can we get on
with the right all right? Yeah, so, I mean it's
a really specific but real simple job. We're just looking
for dead rats. We just clicked dead rats from the city.
(49:12):
We put them in this uh lap, one of these? Right?
No no, no, no, no, no no no, this once
and for all we're doing. We are you talking about?
This is a mouse? Holy shid? You kill them? Oh
my god? Crico crick. And then you go to jail. Buddy,
(49:37):
you just killed the pope. Are for violation of Code
three point two one six. You killed the fucking poem.
Damn you're not your law Oh yeah, my turn, yea
as I could probably get you out of you if
you want to have your case reviewing. Judge, What are
(49:59):
the guys? What are the guys watching on the TV
over there? Uh oh, it looks like the Joey Greer
Special Special Kris Vardo. You have a visitor, please go
to window too. That's is for you. Good luck. That's me. Yeah,
all right, guard, I'm here for the two. Hey, it's me.
(50:19):
I'm just up as a guard. Oh yeah, oh that
makes sense because they would people will go crazy if
you're right, right, And then paid my way into do
It's not the biggest deal. I have so much expendable cash.
It's sick. Look Um, I heard what you did and
I want to build you up. What what part of
what I did made you think to bail me out?
(50:43):
The middle? Damn? And that is our show, the middle?
Whoa what? I want to thank all the alchemists in
this particular order, Mr Christo Varado, Chris, love you, mad Lee,
I love you guys. I love playing. I love improvising.
(51:05):
It's one of my favorite things to do. High playing
with Joey and Craig and James and a tool and
you Kevin. It's so much fun. Thanks for letting me play, Doug,
Doug ee, thanks for that crazy scene suggestion. I hope
we hope we nailed it. I hope we got it
somewhere near it. Comedy Fix check it out. Oh yeah,
my other podcast, Comedy Fix. Check it out. Truly wonderful.
(51:27):
Can't wait to be invited on Craig Goodkowski. How much
fun was that? I'm asking, I'm asking, can you quantify it?
And so I think the answer is varying degree. I
do want to say that that one of my my
pet Peeve vocabulary words. Is cummer bund. By the way,
(51:50):
so both a tools tuxedo and the Joey segment reminded
me of that. It's it's not cumber bund with a B,
though it's more fun to say cumber bund, but it's
a cummer bund. Wait, what is it actually the sash
that a man wears with a Yeah, but but give
me the correct pronunciation. Comer bund. There's one b, there's not.
(52:15):
I'm glad we said that. You prefer cumber bunds just
like cucomber. That's right, cucumber. James Heeney, thank you as
well for being here. Uh well, thanks for having me.
I have infinite amounts of fun when I get to
join in with this group. It is fun to improvise.
(52:36):
Find me at the real James Heeney on Instagram. Okay again,
you want to step on that first level there? That's
that's the one you want to push in? Oh what
do you think of that? I think it's it's great
to watch James just work. Um and sometimes it's out lot,
(52:58):
so it's even better. Thanks for having me. It's always
a pleasure to be here. It's hilarious. Cracks me up.
My nose is running because I was laughing. So good times,
good times, indeed, Joey Graherman, you know, good to see.
It was always great to be here. Came away from
my condor to finally be done. I can move in.
People follow you on TikTok at at God bless Jim Chump. Yeah,
(53:22):
and it spills over to your Graham on occasion, which
is appreciated by me. If you want to get some
acting challenges in, you can do with me. Feel free.
I'm trying to try to build a whole program over
on TikTok God speed. Let's thank engineering Producer of the
Stars mch deban. Fine, folks that I hurt media Pump Pump.
(53:45):
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Thank you each and every
damn one of you for listening and telling everyone you've
ever met please be kind to each other. It's gonna
work until next time. O boom and a pot of
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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