A family gathers for an Easter dinner, and redefines the meaning of dysfunctional. All have gathered for a table read to kick off the 11th season of a sitcom called “The Hell You Say,” the stars of which started as preteens, and now, well, it’s just not cute anymore. Auditions are held at a middle school, and the drama teacher is looking for a real David Mamet flare. It just isn’t there, so she takes over the play herself. Backstage at Disneyland is where the cast members unwind on their brief breaks, and swap stories. A young fella dressed up as Batman shows up at Knotts Berry Farm, and changes folks perspective of who he really is. He also makes an appearance at a State Farm. Insurance, that is.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
M. Welcome back to alchemy. Then I'm your host. Kevin.
I like, yes, that's right, that Kevin po But hey, listen,
what's that? Well? When I said yes to the film,
Joanna man will Smith was attached to play the lead. Okay,
please don't try to stay with me here. Throughout my career,
I've been fortunate to see my fair share of true alchemy.
(00:21):
By definition, alchemy is quote when a person transforms or
creates something through a seemingly magical process. And my dear
stems and seeds, like I said, I've been witnessed to
the stuff on several occasions. An example, sure you're gonna
be like that. Let's see the role of Columbo was
originally offered to Bing Crosby, and I don't think the
show would have been as magical if the lieutenant said,
(00:45):
h boy, I hate to bother you, but can I
ask you one last question? Breatruth? I digress. The point, folks,
is that an idea hit me square in the old box?
Are rocks? What have I brought together the right creative
people forced them to make shut up? Based on my
own twisted, demented ideas and maybe some of yours from
emails you sent in, But damn it, I would then
(01:06):
put together a podcast that featured this seemingly magical process,
and I could call it alchemy on my shoulders makes
me happy. Well, after a month of tinkering, I'm so
very proud to welcome you, dear friends, the episode of Alchemy. This.
Let's meet our alchemists, shall we? In no particular order?
Say hello to Vanessa Raglan Vaness? What time is the
(01:29):
best time? Night time? He got it right, knighted up
as Joey GUACAMOLEI better known as Joey Greer. Joe what
day's best for loving? All? Right? Whatever, sir? And how
about it? James Heney, what's Easter mean to your son? Oh? God,
(01:51):
I just can't believe you said my name without any
other attachment. Easter to my son it means he was born? Uh,
I don't have on Wait? Wait do you yes to
and me? Wait? Okay, I have kids. I got lots
of kids and I love the kids. Look out, it's
Mr Christoforado. Chris, where do you get off? Thank you?
(02:19):
Last but one your drawers? If you think LEAs Mr
Craig Atkowski, Greig, tell the folks where you're schooled down
the old schoolyard with me and Julio. All right, let's
get to our first scene. The scene is home for
Easter holiday, a widower, two adult children, forty somewhere in there,
(02:42):
one of their younger second wives, and one teenage grand
child whose favorite TV show sitcom is a show called
the Hell You Say? Okay, everyone who wants to cut
the Easter ham? Dad, Dad, tradition, we always have sit down.
Sit down. I stand at Easter. That's a tradition. Al right,
(03:08):
we all stand with a standing table. I don't want
to even be here. I'm not as real mom, so
I don't feel like I should say any sweeter. It's
never too late to discipline these kids. I'm telling you,
he can call you mom, no, thank you. I don't
want to call her mom either. She doesn't like it,
(03:30):
and I don't like her. All right with Steve, Steve mean,
I'm your dad, right of course, So just listen to
me and listen to your grandpa. Steve. You want to
cut the Easter ham? That's he was extreme Dad. I mean, yeah, sure,
give me that knife, okay, now watch it. It's a
very sharp knife. I'm not an idiot, Grandpa, watch out.
(03:50):
Ma just had it sharpened at the farmer's market last
It was nice. That was nice, Steve, Thank you. I disagree.
I think it ages me. I don't think that's who
I am. That's not how I see myself. And I
think it's weird to impose this on us. This is
very new. Okay, okay, okay, that's true. I love you, baby,
I love you. Thank you. We're getting to each other.
(04:12):
I love you. Yeah, you know you know where I
stand on that. I know. Pops, Kyle, welcome to the family.
I guess. I mean, what's up? Can you just take
your earphones off the table? Dude? What's up? We're doing
hand Pops? Cal and Shelly we met briefly at the
wedding that killed it on the dance floor. I wish
(04:36):
your brother could move like you, Debra. I wish you
didn't use your name Shelly to my younger brother, because
I know Shelly is like your party name party that dad.
When she has a couple of white sins in her
Then all of a sudden, she wish I had a
(04:56):
party name. I can get me one. How about Rock?
All right, Steve, this is a big tradition here in
our family. Okay, the first cut always well, Mom used
to do the first cut and yeah, God, God rest
your soul. So we never got a pre cut ham.
We never once got a pre cut ham. We cut
(05:19):
the ham here at the table. So the fact that
Grandpa wants you to do it, it's a big deal.
I know it's a big deal. I'm trying. Okay, if
you want me to do it, well, I'm crying. I
could cut somebody. I could. I'm not fighting with you.
Watch how does not what my son would be like.
He's just swimming that knife for I wonder, I wonder
where he got that from. I don't know. I don't know.
Maybe the one person that used to throw knives in
(05:41):
the basement. I told him that was adult zone. He
came down what he wanted to. It's bad. I used
to throw a knife like a good brother, alright, but
I never saw anyone could throw a knife. Proud of you.
I love you. I love you too. And I just
want to say, for the record here at Easter, I'm
(06:01):
so sorry about the dead mom Um and your dead wife. Dad, Dad,
have a seat, have a seat, okay, Um, I'll say
the words. Mom, used to say, creepy, we're all here
to win in her voice. Where all music to my ears?
(06:28):
Because the Lord wanted it this way and I wouldn't
have it any other way, Debra. Kyle, he was squeezing
my hand side. Kyle, will you bring it home the
way Mom used to? And it's all about family. Family.
(06:49):
It sounds just like her. I love you, all right, buddy,
you guys watch Kyle. I mean, okay, here it is.
It's simple. It's cut right here. Good. You're mangling it.
I'm not mangling it. It's it's ste You should be
able to get a good piece of ham out of it.
I'll just cut it. I'm cutting. It's a sharp knife.
(07:13):
Ham is tough. I'm trying. It's not a tough ham
kind of traded. Kyle. Cut that penetrate like I mean
I did. I penetrated the skin. Jeez, the knife is
stuck in there. Hold on here, just let me help
you let me. Oh my god, Dad, stop, come on
me to the kitchen. Oh yeah, I'm dever right now
(07:41):
throwing some knives. You're so good at that. Whatever it
is a thing I do. Happy Easter, Happy Easter. Would
you give up for lent. I like that. I don't
give up ship, I take gone more stuff. Wow. Well,
(08:02):
I just want you to know right now that can
never happen again. All right, I guess we can do
something else, though, we'll put some pressure on it. You're
bleeding all over the goddamn play dad, Dad, I'm trying
to tell you something. I've been going through your accounts,
spending money like crazy. I give you a monthly allowance
and you blow it. What are you blowing? I don't
want a monthly allowance anymore? What do you mean? How
(08:24):
else are you gonna get money? Well, what's the point
of money if other to spend it? You know, I'm
not going to be around for much longer. Yeah, you
want your inheritance. While we were in the kitchen, I'm
not eating this ham. There's blood all over it. It's
your same blood. It's your blood. We have the same blood.
I don't care if Jesus's blood is what it is.
It's my blood. Dad. I love you too, Okay? Why
(08:46):
do I feel like the bad guy here today? Debra?
This morning, when we woke up, you looked more beautiful
than ever. Thank you. And you also look more beautiful
than ever know if that she looked more BEAUTIFU you
weren't there when we woke up. All right, this is
what I'm sweet, Okay. I just I'm doing a lot here, okay,
(09:11):
and my fingers still bleeding. You guys went to the
kitchen and nothing. I just feel like, let's go back.
I'll just use my shirt the kitchen. We'll get another shirt.
We'll get another shirt in the kitchen. I'll be right back.
I'm going to get another chirt from the kitchen. So
you can never kiss yet. I don't want to kissing you.
That's something I will give up kissing. Yeah, fork is
(09:35):
stuck in the refrigerator. Yeah, I want you to take
that forecut and I want you to stab it run
above my knee. What are you looking at on that
goddamn phone? Kid, I'm watching YouTube videos, YouTube videos. I'm
watching my favorite clips from my show. Tell me about it. Well,
this is it's a bunch of kids that treat their
adults that are around the real rude like they should be.
(09:57):
This is this is the the kid you're raising. I
don't know, Dad, Okay, I give you up like this, Dad,
what are you spending six hundred dollars a month on entertainment. Entertainment,
A movie is nine dollars with your discount. I don't
always get the discount. It's ages, all right, yes, like
(10:23):
I got a strip club sometimes. Mr. Your mob right.
I heard Kyle really bad, Kyle really bad? Okay, Shelly, Kyle, Kyle,
I might want to let you bleed out, to be honest, No,
(10:43):
let it happen. It's my time. It's not your time. Oh,
Jesus take me instead, Jesus take me. Don't take this
beautiful boy. What's mom? Why would you? I'm not your mom? Dad?
Why she'll be read here? She doesn't even love either,
(11:04):
but she clearly look at how goddamn pretty she is.
Dist and she's a dentist. I know I have pretty
best up teeth, dad, but I don't care, like I
don't need him to get fixed. Kyle, Yeah, you're gonna
make it. I don't know. I hit my knee. I
(11:25):
think I'm going to bleed out all my bloods in
my knee right now, and it's coming out my knee.
You know what I say. We used this as an opportunity.
Put your knee over the ham. Everyone cut themselves. We're
all gonna add to the blood Ham. Let's make this
blood ham. Let's go. Here we go. This is the
only way to handle this. Yep, all right, here we go. Okay, baby,
(11:47):
cut yourself? Did it? Good? Good? Good? Dad? Whoa that's
a big one, Steve. I okay, oh good. I just
want to say, Shelly, I've loved this is the first day.
(12:07):
I just want to say that. It wasn't love that
I was feeling. But we had this weird chemistry and
I liked following it where it went, but not having
to come home to it. All right, here's what I'm
willing to do. Here's what I'm willing to do. Kyle.
You can have Shelley as long as I can have
my Deborah. Deal dead deal, Stop spending so much money.
(12:29):
All right. I feel like our family has never been
closer than this. God takes Steve. Everybody, Let's take one
bite of this hand, pass it around, and as the
Rogerson's bled out over the beautiful Ham. It would only
be another week before young Steve was cast in the
long running popular sitcom The Hell You Say. He joined
(12:55):
that sitcom in season eleven. Would I'll take you to
the table read of the first episode of season eleven
of the hell you say. Al Right, guys, is everybody ready?
We don't have a lot of time today. We started
late already because nobody seems to be able to get
here on time. I have seventy seven thousand Instagram followers now,
so yeah, i'd say I'm ready. It's not that much.
(13:17):
I'd say I'm ready. We're ready, We already. I'm ready
to pretend I'm thirteen again. Where are we reading from.
We're going from the We're going to take it from
the top, because you guys have got to get the
first part recorded. Okay, can you not just the attitude?
I am stressing out because I am nearly going to
lose my job because I'm working with a bunch of
(13:39):
middle aged teenagers. I wish I could lose my job. Careful,
how hard you wish? Bitch? Okay, oh my god, did
you hear that? If you were, i'd feel bad. But
you're old enough to hear that kind of language. Now,
just sit down, pull out your scripts. I need water.
(13:59):
I'd like a juice box. Juice box, it gets me
and my character. All right, I'll be right back when
I come back in here. You guys better be ready
to work. Stop causing Jesus Christ Blake, do you have
a hundred forty Instagram followers? What the funk, dude, it's
not even my account. It's like, hell, you say Brazilian,
(14:21):
they just got They just like flood them in. There's
no way you're a popular pop Jesus, this is run
forever because like this, you can't even say your own words,
much less the ship they're telling us. I had an
adult lisp until this show. Okay, I'm working on my
diction because diction is done with the tip of the
(14:42):
tongue and the teeth. We've been supportive of it, man,
We've been completely supportive. All right. You make it as
if we don't like unless we don't care. Man, just
affects the job, that's what we care about. And here's
a water, here's a juice box, and here's a Miller
high a lot of energy you're coming in with. I
am sorry, I'm trying to calm down, but I just
feel like I'm babysitting. Are getting Did you change shirts?
(15:05):
You did change shirts that I spilled on my shirt?
Is that a lady shirt? A woman? That's one of
my shirts? What the hell? You can't take stuff from
the rack. You can't wear Claire's stuff, thank you. Nobody's
wearing that rack clothes. This is from a previous hold
on one second. Hello, Yeah, hey, it's Tim. I just
want to give your heads up that the Craig the
(15:29):
network guys coming back. Oh no, this isn't a good take,
and he's running late, but he's gonna be there. No,
tell him to turn around. This is what I can do.
It's okay, thanks, all right. Blouse does not work for you, listen,
it's working for me. Wide Can we just go Okay, listen,
somebody's coming in here, and I don't want to be
(15:49):
the bearer of bad news. So we always are. You
always are. Craig's coming in the seasons. We know who
Craig is. He doesn't come in because things are working good.
Are you reading the script or not, Julio? Will you
do the stage directions? Of course? Will Okay, let's do
this thing and do the laughs too. We can't do
(16:09):
it without the laughs, Julio, I mean I'll do the
last diction is done with the tip of the tongue
and the teeth. Exterior house day inside? What was that?
What was the staterior? Day inside? Wait? Why is it exterior?
If it's inside, it's a it's a jump cut, idiot,
(16:31):
it's exterior. Then we cut to interior. Tell me, just
tell us where we are. Oh my god, my pets,
sit are just canceled. Oh I am hey, guys, so sorry,
I'm l oh my gosh, Bi Craig from Network. No,
(16:52):
I know. I thought you were going to be late.
I thought it was m back what I cig's not
on the show. You are so funny, Come on, come on,
not my acting days behind me? No, No, I saw
the show you did. How did you? How did you
(17:12):
find that? How did you find that? Everything's out there? Okay,
real quick? Can I get a selfie with you? Real quick? Absolutely?
You don't have to say yes. Nice, nice numbers on social.
Got to get those numbers up though. I try to
get those numbers up because it's really important. Yes. Uh.
There's there's a girl on Instagram with two point three
(17:34):
million if you, if you guys could get her on.
She's got two point three million followers. She takes selfies
with her parents every day. She's very hot, big tits,
very funny. I don't know, can be great. I don't
know if she can be worked into this episode. It
sounds like a valuable person this episode. You're the script
(17:54):
is right here. There's not really an extra okay, Okay,
I'm just throwing it out there, and there's probably some
thing we can throw her. I'm sure, I'm sure of it. Okay. Uh.
Well sorry, let's see what picking up where you work?
Where you work? Okay, Well, Lucky, we're just at the
beginning exterior day interior Okay, okay, I'm sorry, yeah, exterior interior.
(18:25):
Could we go interior exterior like that? Okay, okay, let's
just I'm gonna scratch this out, okay, so just interior.
This is JO. Just print off some new ones with
that exterior in there. Okay, can you just do that
real quick? Thank you? All right, I'll be right back,
Thank you, Craig. I just want to say I love yourself. Okay,
(18:46):
I love yourself. I just no, please, please. One. We've
been talking about me doing a spin off, something more adult,
and the script I gave you was in I thought
it was in great shape, and I was just wondering
if you had any thoughts on this script you gave me.
Did you give it to me? I did, yeah? Or
did you give it to Anita. I gave it to you,
gave it to you, give it to Anita, because it
(19:09):
gets to me fast. You said you were excited about it, right,
I'm super excited about I'm super excited about the idea
of a spin off. You know, if you if you
go through Anita, it gets to me faster than if
you give it to me directly. Okay, sorry to pull
it away, but okay, I'm having some trouble with the
character now. You're you're you're making him smaller, and I
(19:33):
just feel as so performance wise, I'm not I'm not
being able to give everything I want to give. You're
upset with the plot point of view being shrunk, yes
to six inches? Yes, okay, I just feel so literally
it's harder to see me. You know. Well, I mean,
we're still gonna do close ups of your shrunk character,
and there's gonna be you know, there's gonna be like
(19:53):
a giant you interacting with a giant cat. I'm so sorry,
all right, it is is that this is the same
thing it was the dress. I just unfolded it. It's listen,
this is the first episode of seasonal leven. These are
still hot. I'm gonna pass it around. Oh, I mean
those are hot. You need to warn people. I mean
(20:14):
it's a script printer. It gets hot. That's ink, Toner,
I don't know what to tell. Are you mad at this? Julio?
Mad at you? Hullo? Your calves are nice? Thanks? Thanks?
Greig watches watches the hell you say? I'm like, the
hell you say? How are you supposed to be doing
me right now? Yeah? I'm just doing what you What
(20:37):
the hell you say? After all these years, you guys
are still finding new inflections. It's incredible. Really, just start off.
I've reprinted the script. Okay, I'm that is hot. You
need to let people know about that, will um. And
you know it's sort of my show. Um, I mean
it's your show, but it's okay. Can my characters. Can
(20:59):
I say the word real cheese right now? I don't
want to say gwilled cheese anymore. It's demeaning. It makes
you feel weird. I don't like it. I don't have
a speech impediment with other words this one. When you
say gwilled cheese, our ratings go up in that moment.
We Yeah, you have me saying it a lot, so
I figured it had something to do with ratings. But
(21:20):
I mean, I'm I want to do drama. The hell
you say we started with your future and adult films.
After we're done reading through this scripture, it starts interior
interior day. What what interior? It's the only house that
(21:41):
we start on avery episode. It's interior day at the house.
Can you put off with the house? I mean we
all right, I'm gonna start. I'm gonna start reading. Don't
read my lines. I'm not gonna read your lines. The
first line of the of the the act, all right?
I noticed. Yeah, I guess I'm hot. Give me some water.
(22:02):
Sorry to interrupt. I'm gonna throw this out there, Jo.
How married to the house are we? Because Disneyland, we've
been wanting to do a tie in with them for
a while. They're about to open the Star Wars land.
You know, Star Wars very big right now, very hot? Um,
(22:23):
if there were Ewoks or Jawa's, I'm not sure. I
don't know the whole you know. Can I just point
us back to season nine where you tried the Knotsbury
Farm tie in and it was a disaster. I think
we have to stay in the house if we're doing
this but the Star Wars might be able to make
me normal size again. That's right, because there are there
(22:44):
are like smaller creatures within the so I think I
think it's justified. I just feel like, eleven years at
this house, we've grown up together here, and like stated,
the Knotsbury Farm episode was atrocious. People thought it was
a joke. I thought, maybe somebody's doing a parody spin
off of our show. Wow, Craig, I'm sorry that they're
(23:05):
talking to you this way. I love the idea and like,
I'll do whatever you want may to do. Frankly, you
know what I mean. I mean the entire series has
taken place in a Midwest town. I don't. I mean, Okay, yes,
I just want to put out there. I have deferred
from Juilliard four times. That's as many as I'm allowed
to do. All Right, here's what we're gonna do. Okay,
(23:26):
how kind of works. We're gonna work the script afterwards.
We're just gonna restart it from the top. I won't
interrupt anymore. Disneyland okay, yes, Disneyland, go to the same lines.
We'll figure the rest out and post Okay, I'm gonna
switch up my first line again because to make a
Disney orientedature. Yeah, it's hot at the teacups, I'll take
(23:52):
some water. Sorry, all I brought was willed cheese. I'm
getting your crumbs down here, little guy. We didn't even
have to pay full price for him. I'm sorry. I
can't do this anymore. Guys, do this anymore? I quit you.
(24:20):
You three have ruined my life. I was an artist.
I wanted to do theater. Why did you write this? Then?
I was only writing for ratings? And then this asshole
Kim here you you. Oh, the script is hot and
(24:42):
you're gonna eat every least the drama teacher Vanessa and
several students who went on to star in the hell
you say? I have gathered for tryout of this new
(25:03):
David Man play, calling all thesbians present asbians do it
on the stage, big day. I'm sure we've all got
the jitters that shake it out. Check it out, check
it out. Remember, leave your baggage at the door. Okay,
(25:23):
this is a safe space. We're gonna try some really
exciting stuff today. I want us to be supported. I
want us to be ground. Okay, I want this Class
two matters so much to you that you go home
and you write the principle a letter demanding that I'd
(25:47):
be recognized in a more thorough away by the school
board and that my role is expanded, just as you
were expanding in your own role. You we're gonna work
on that. The lips, the teeth, the tip of the
to the lips, the teeth, the tip of the tongue. Okay,
(26:08):
starry people, the lips, teeth, the tip of the you
don't have to do this, I matt um. Hey, Blake,
have you heard of this thing called Instagram? Okay, we're
gonna start our auditions. I would like to comind you
of the process. Each of you is going to present
something you've chosen yourself, but you're going to do it
(26:29):
curveball in the style of one David Mamette. But Juliana,
I've prepared the stage manager role from Thornton Wilder's Our Town.
I'll make an exception, okay, and I'm doing Mike from
Bogosians Suburbia. Wow. Well, who's up first? I think Blake.
(26:52):
I'm gonna be doing uh Gary Oldman from the Fifth Element.
Let's all give him our support. We support you, Blake support,
We support you, Blake clapping. Man enough, let him go,
let him start the manual. Zorg thank you Wow, short monologue.
(27:19):
I've got ten pages, had economy of language, well played
like it's going to be a hard one to top,
hard one to top? Is this a competition? I don't
know what you said. Thank you? Up next, this place
is called Grover's Corners. Let's all support Damon. Sorry, it's okay,
(27:43):
it's okay, we support you, Damon. This place is called
Grover's Corners. And over there, well that's Doc gives his house. Oh,
here comes how we knew some deliver in the morning paper.
I don't know how to make it more man. Yeah,
I was going to cut you off. I'm glad you
cut yourself. I didn't see how it did anyone see Howie?
(28:07):
Well he's not in the scene. I'm just referring to him. Well,
I didn't see him. Do you see what I'm saying.
You know what I'm saying. You know we talked about pelvis.
Do you feel that I have a lot of fat there? Oh?
Stop it. You're gonna grow out of that. You're gonna
shoot up like a string bed in one of these days.
Well you're big, but you could be big and tall someday. Okay,
(28:28):
So Desmond, no part for you, okay, what We're not
going to give you a part in this one. It's okay.
You're gonna go outside, go over and calm down. You're
gonna calm down. Sit down between the drama teacher and
(28:50):
Desmond's parents, we've been gathered, talk about the incident. You
can sit on the pillows, it's fun. I prefer to
stay on, just sit. I prefer to stand. I'm a
meat man, That's what I do. I want to starry
up by saying, we fully respect you in your process.
Thank you if you echo that sentiment to the principle.
(29:12):
And no, but you put hands on our son, you correct,
and that seems to cross I have crossed the line.
I'm sorry. I have a question or either of you artists.
I make cakes at home. That's not our mm hmm, sir.
I'm a meat man. Okay. Now I can understand being
(29:34):
startled someone put hands on your children. Okay, but I
am an artist. Drop this theater talk. No, our fat
boy is sad. You made our fat boys sad, and
when he comes home someone you don't want to. I
made your fat boy vulnerable for the first time in
his life. He's fat, he's already vulnerable. I made him weep.
(29:58):
Do you understand that? Be you haven't cried in a
very long time. All my salts and my meat, I
don't push it up my eyes. I don't see the meat.
Where's the meat. It's in my car cooking, put it
on the dash. Maybe your eyes are watering it. You
always want to be a meat man, So with a fat,
(30:19):
fat little boy, I always want to be a meat man.
Is that right? There's nothing else inside of you. You're
putting hands on my husband? Get back, Get back now,
my fair cousins. If we are marked to die, we
are enough to do our country loss, or to take
(30:44):
a few more sessions to get it right. But we
got it started. What the fuck? That was incredible? And
now back to the auditions, as another student steps up
with his own version of a scene style of man squeaming.
I'm just this one's from War of the Rings and
it's kind of a it was in the director's Let
(31:04):
me just we all support I'm all right and in
this listen. So there's the spell that will bring us
all back to Morador. And you can trust me. I
am a wizard and all the little hobbits can follow along.
(31:27):
Thank you for you're welcome. Okay, I'm not um, I'm
not even gonna talk us through that one. But that
was what we call what's it when you give someone
a free chance? Um? It was a mulligan. Ah, so
my getting a second chance to do another another queening. No,
you're not going to be in the show. Pardon me?
(31:49):
I thought the mulligan is I don't I don't really know.
I thought it's what people said when they did something
just for the hell of it. But it doesn't mean anything.
You make people on comfortable when they look at you,
and there's people on stage need to make people feel safe.
There's gotta be a role for some that makes people
feel uncomfortable. Julianna, how many roles are available in this play?
(32:10):
Because if you're not casting me and screaming, then raised
a good point. I may have to, Unfortunately, though I
dread it, step in to the production myself again. Again,
this is not what I wanted to do. That's not
how I wanted it to go. But you know what
I'm working with. May now take you backstage after the
first performance that the drama teacher in fact, did participate
(32:33):
in Oh my God. Enters David Mammon, who happened to
be in the audience to see his play performed by
this high Great job, Julianna, Job, Julianna, I hope that
curtain pool was Okay, it's great. Had fun up there.
Excuse me, excuse me? Yes, I don't know if you
(32:56):
know who I am. I have two guesses. Okay, are
you from the newspaper? Not from the newspaper? That was
actually my only guest. I'm Julianna, screamings dad. Oh, he's
Scleaming's father. Who is squeaming? What can my name? Is
it to me? I've been working back here in tech.
(33:18):
That's not my father. Back in the box, I'm David
me oh, sir. When I heard that a high school
was putting out a production of my new play, which
has not yet been produced, I was I found a draft,
and I took a liberty. How did you find a draft?
(33:40):
Needless to say, I was curious? Trash trash. I sometimes
late at night, I I take walks and I don't
know where they'll lead me, but they often lead me
to the dumpster. One particular evening, I found a draft.
I saw your name, hi, okay, and I brought it
(34:01):
to the school. I don't know what you what's your
life is about? For me? No one ever notices me,
no one ever gives me my worst. And I thought
maybe if I could put this up, if I could
pull this off, maybe my luck would chain. What did
you think, Dave? Okay? I thought I thought you were magnetic.
(34:22):
To be honest, to see two fifteen year old boys
in one point taken, I need to moist rozz. There
was no acting up there. It was just real, uncomfortably real.
Thank you, thank you. This is the only way I
(34:42):
want my productions done from now on. Oh my god,
Oh my god. Okay, okay, what does that mean for me?
I need to know what that means for me? What
that means? You're you gonna stay right here at this
high Creak're stay right? No, No, you're doing good work here,
You're doing good work here. During intermission, I wrote up
another play. If you could just talk to the principle
(35:05):
and let him know. I don't want to get involved,
I don't want to look thick. Yeah, I'm very very prolific,
very fast. Right. There's also a lot of pauses and
a lot of really short lives. I'm sorry to interrupted.
I saw you make your way back here again. Mr mammon,
(35:29):
I'm a meat man and uh I have found the
joy of acting again. You're in the play just the
way that the way they that interaction we just had
that it was so real. Do you think we could
go to Broadway? Screaming? Screaming? I just wanted to say
that I thought you did a really good job today.
(35:50):
And if you don't have a date to um the dance,
maybe you'd want to go with me. I mean absolutely,
I've always wanted to go to the dance. It would
be great. Here's the thing, like, I really I don't okay,
alright going no, wait wait come here, come get that
kid out of my sight. Wait, Mr mamt make doesn't
(36:13):
he get wait? Wait wait wait get out of here?
Wait all right, I'll go then, thank you. It's just
that I always make people get out. We're not going, okay,
good decision, Thank you, Mr Moment, ma'am please she pronounces
(36:36):
it moment. Do you then we'll go with that? Thank you, David.
Mr Mahmatt, do you have a date to the dance
this year? This year? I don't. Do you think maybe
you'd want to go with twelve year old girl who's
(36:57):
really into poetry and really into school. Oh I don't
see why not. I hate to interject I should the
reasons why not. First of all, I'm not I don't
go to this high school. I'm still in middle school okay,
but if it's okay with the teacher, yeah, I could
(37:19):
come to. It's also not how this works. Come on, Julian,
it's for the arts. You make a good point. Art's
funny like that. You never know what's coming your way,
what's going to be your ship, and what's going to
be your anchor. I hope I look like you when
i'm your age. Do I smell a brisket cooking on
the hood of the car? I got a whole bunch
(37:39):
out there, got a shore rim in the trunk. I'd
love the brisket, all right, lay and cut yes, Lee
very late, scream and we see you. I was just
I gotta wrap up the courts when we're gone, okay,
and we're gloves for courts. I'm sorry conversing back here,
but the audience is even for you. They want more,
(38:01):
they want it Encore. Oh should I wing it. Do it?
Do it? Do my new play? Now it's four hours long?
Do it? Is it? Encore? Oh? I want to throw
want a thrill? Cats walking again? So early reading something
(38:32):
and yet so late. My shop won't open for three
hours yet and here I am show. Don't tell me?
What do you do? When does our kid get pacing? Pacing? Pacing?
(38:54):
This is an early draft if only I was paid
by the step instead of the case. But like Google,
mhm cakes when my mother's trade my brother sport he
had a darker situation. So I went with cakes, cakes
with the alternative to two pasting pasting pacing three hours
(39:20):
un till the shop opens. Mrs Worsan speed the plot alright,
first of the last break, let's go. I know I'm
gonna love against sup Here juice books, squeaming. He ended
(39:55):
up as a cast member at Disneyland. We now take
you to Disneyland backstage. It's the Christmas Holidays. President are
cast members, the famous Disney characters, of course, and a
few of their handlers, as well as a couple of
cart workers, attraction attendance and a repair person. Leave the
(40:21):
heads over there, you got a hand I brought gifts
who's got a cigarette? You can't smoke in here. I'm
sure you gotta put that outroom. Are we doing the
gift exchange? Or what was that a prank email? Gosh
there here with us, man, let it go, turn it
(40:44):
off and leave the characters outside. I'm gonna clear your own.
I'm just saying, with that sitcom shooting here, it's so
busy today. Yeah, hell you stay super popular. Yeah, I
love it. They're eleven seasons turkey. Can you imagine that
kind of money? I brought everyone a gift as the email.
(41:04):
I am starting to realize it was another elaborate prank.
But I'm gonna give you the gifts anyway. We'll get
you one nick year. You know, okay, I believe you.
I've spent the limit, which was seventy a person get
to give the gifts, screaming this is for you for
(41:25):
obvious reasons. Oh thank you. Another mirror. It's a mirror.
It is it's it's uh, it's it's like a small circumspira.
It makes me look fat. It makes me look fator.
That's great. I don't merry Christmas. That's what you look
(41:48):
like if you were fat. Thanks, that's great, keep you,
humble shark. Give the gifts out. Ah, here's yours, don't
shake it. It's a great thank you, seventy worth of
him a laying the sea salt. That's a lot of
sea songs. You said you like to sell, so darn thanks, Chuck.
(42:16):
It's problem. You don't have to do that with me.
Just be yourself. It's a seventy dollars. The fuck it,
he's practical. Thanks all right, guys, free balloons. These didn't sell,
(42:37):
so take them. Well they're hot, dudes. Take the balloons. No, no,
but we get the kid these because we didn't sell them.
You didn't sell them. We don't need them. There's no
reason for me that I don't want any balloons. It's
a balloons. They have a mickey in the balloon. We
can't smoke back here, guys, free balloons if you if
(43:02):
you can't sell those balloons, I mean, I don't know
what to say. Hunter. That reflects poorly on you and
the House of mouths. Wait, am I supposed to be
pushing these specifically? Yes, at your job, Hunter, but I
thought it was just supposed to stand there and they're
gonna come up to me run through It is Hey kid,
how much of balloons you want one? What's going on?
(43:23):
What's going on? I asked the question, how much of
the ball you want one? First you compliment, then you quote,
and then you see you Okay, let me try that again.
Hey kid, how much of balloons? You're nice? Twelve? I'm
not twelve? Now that was you. Gotta be very clear,
it's only and then you see? Will you do one
(43:44):
for me? Sure? Give me the balloons? Okay, hey kid?
How much? Hello? Beautiful? Look at your eyes? Well you're
the luckiest person. That's some guy in the sky. But
those in your skull compliment, ain't you sweet? There's their
seen fifty and they'll take that. And that's what we
(44:06):
go see c Q c Q s to remember, Hey kid,
how much your balloon mine? What the what compliment? I
was gonna compliment? You said, I want to sell popcorn?
Is that what you want? You want to go to
the popcorn card? No, that's what's happening. That's your future. No,
I don't. Nobody ever leaves a popcorn card. Nobody comes
(44:27):
back from corn. Look. The reason why I even got
the balloon gig because my uncle was a Golden Cast member.
That's right, and so um, I got to you know,
go to this gig. It's cushy, it's nice. I like it.
I'll do better. Okay, it's not cushy. If you're doing
it right, maybe maybe you'd be as good as a
cash member putting a costume. More of them big heads,
(44:48):
you know, like goofy over there. Well, let's let's try
what's that weirdo from the monster cartoon, the big gay
for that's right, that's right. Mustard Inc. Was the name
of the thing. And that's it. That's the one, all right.
(45:16):
So let's say you that guy and you walk around.
You don't have to speak, you don't have to sell.
You just walk around in a big fur outfit. How
would you do that? Um? Like, I'd go, umm, you
don't know when you don't talk when you're in there. No,
I'm going to I'm gonna not talk right now. Okay,
So let's see you walk around in the outfit. Okay,
you're dancing? Why are you dancing? He wouldn't move like that?
(45:38):
That a character was he and he was very heavy
and Peter School I was talked to not walk. But
he's not a tree. What's he doing? He's a big.
My uncle was a golden cast member and he died
and you inherit it is. He was Donald for fifty years.
He walked around It was a good man and a
(45:58):
great lover. Want to do Donald? Is that what you're saying? Yeah?
I wanted to he could never do. Yes, I can.
It's in my blood. You gave me one shot. One shot.
Where's that out screaming in the world. In the real world,
you're gonna get yourself and you've just earned yourself one mulligan. Okay,
go for it. Take a mulligan right now, buddy. Does
(46:21):
that mean I go? I go again? In theater? Mulligan
means you got one shot. I went to theater high schools, right.
Everybody knows that. Give us your best, okay, everybody, and
I present to you Donald talk. Remember you don't wait,
(46:42):
you don't Yeah, the cast members, they don't talk. It's
walking around the I'll just talk back. Stay used to
get into character, and then I worship. Is the only
reason why even put up with that crap, because they
don't have him talk about that Donald. My uncle never spoke,
not unless he was making love here in the break room.
He talked his head off couldn't shut him up, but
he would regale us with stories about monologues. He do
(47:03):
impromptu monologue in the park, play recording last thing he
said to us back here, ready, here we go? Killed
me every Yeah, I can do that. Oh cool? What
the let's say? That's disrespect? You know what popcorn duty?
(47:24):
You don't have that authority. No, I do not, No,
I do not not. The corn card. You know, where's
a rare thing here at the park. If enough of
us get together, we can pop corn a regular guy.
You can only do it twice in our tenure here,
and we've done it once before. I think we're getting
(47:44):
ready to corn card, you buddy. Okay, listen. I think
we got off on the wrong foot. I didn't sell
the balloons. I didn't do a good job as the monster.
I failed as Donald. Yep, but it's in my blood.
I tell you. You've got three Mulligan's already. You know,
maybe you could do the drawings. You know that people
walk all right, draw any one of us? I did well,
(48:06):
I'll try. You just exaggerate one feature. You know, if
my ears are a little big, make them really big. Okay,
that's the secret. As Oh my god, oh jenals pianist like,
we can't see that. I could see the outline of
his Oh my god, I do have a slightly big
(48:30):
How do you know? It's like a tripod. I could
see it. You know what? You know? What? What? What?
What is your kid? Maybe I'll go to nuts Verry
far Okay, I don't know. Six Flags, Magic Mountain, failing, failing.
Huh what would you to get that? You're effect us
(48:50):
at all? I disagree because when I'm the best snoopy
that park has ever seen, or the best Batman that
park has ever seen, I'm gonna get all the glory
and I'm gonna come back here one day and I'm
gonna show you all. I'm gonna show you all. I'm
take it out a Knutsbury Farm, where he's in fact,
(49:10):
dressed as Batman addressing the troops backstage at Knutsbury Farm. Okay,
I am the man behind the bat I don't know
how you got that outfit and what you're doing back here,
but we don't have the rights to have you back
(49:33):
on our park. No, you do not. You and the
Man of the Black Night give me that hat ah
and the wizard who flies about the sky, the character
is not a wizard security over here like we can. Sorry,
that's me, I forgot get him out of here. I'm
gonna cough. You touch me. I'm the man whose masks
(49:54):
is the ears of the night. I'm the one who flies.
This might not be a custom. I am the man
the text and the tests. I am the bat. Yeah,
it really doesn't sound like no no, no, no no,
like a whisper ever. No, that's good. That's bad Ron
(50:20):
doing that. I don't know. I just sell jelly for
a limit. You found a new thing it again, Ron,
I am the bad. I am the bad. Say I
love you, Tina, you dirty little freak. I love you, Tina.
You do it A little freak, A little freak. That
doesn't work. No, I hear it now. Yeah, I don't
(50:42):
want to be the voice of reason. But we're not
Sperry Farm. You're not allowed to wear that in the park.
You can't tell the man behind the bat who he is.
Well as you'll all see when I go to the
state farm and I make a big splash, all right,
I mean the county far, the county farm. Can we
(51:05):
county purity? Can we get this crazy? Please take that
costume off? Of it before we take now the corporate
retreated State Farm Insurance. All right, everyone, just give a
round of applause. I was really good on the log hurdling,
very very good. Thanks guys. Did somebody call for it?
So don't mind the blood coming from my mouth. It's
(51:27):
my own, my tongue as I jumped off the state.
Let go, let my daughter go. This much blood since
my last Easter dinner. What's your name, little girl? Alicia? Okay, Alicia?
Can you tell his nice people that you were being
held by the man who's the bad That's right, everybody,
(51:50):
I am here to protest, what to protect. He doesn't
sound like batman at all. Let her go. Let be
very very sad when you find out that I'm doing great,
great things. Listen to me, son of a batch, do
listen to me right now. That's my daughter that's in
your hands. That a stick, Oregon, that's both. I put
(52:13):
a stick inside the barrel of this gun. I don't
know what's gonna happen when I pull that. I'm the
man who's the bats Oh are you? Yeah? Well, I'm
a man who's her dad. Alicia, Close your eyes in
your ear, close your eyes, don't let you listen to me.
Listen to me, baby, listen to me right now. You
calling me baby? Tuck your knees into your chest. Good, good,
good good. Listen to me right now, my little baby,
(52:34):
little baby. I don't say a word that's gonna buy you.
I'm the man who's the bad According to my actuarial tables,
this is a very dangerous situation. Listen to me. How
good your aim? How good is your rains? I'm moving
her front of my hands up, I'm moving her. I'm
not good at amy, and I'm not thinking catch take
(52:57):
her back out. I don't want to leave her. I
told you all that man can fly. Holy shit, craziest thing, Alicia?
You okay, Dad? You just threw me at a batman
(53:19):
two times? Well, Alicia, it was in the moment. Did
you want me to shoot the stick? What happened? Who's back?
One quick question before I leave you already did? Can
we ask one too? A rope? Never mind? Never mind?
Go with your question? Who is the man who flies
(53:41):
behind the darkness shaft? Yeah? Certainly not the guy that
came in on the rope? Who is the man this one?
Shift asked two questions? You asked two questions. Just on
your rope and get out of here. One last question.
(54:05):
Yes you're ready again you see will just high coup.
This has been another episode of Alchemy. This right to
(54:26):
us at your name here at Alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at Alchemy this dot com. Send
your suggested scenes, scenarios, themes if you will, and the
Alchemists will make the magic as always, go around the
(54:48):
table to wrap things up. Craig working folks, catch you
at kask on Twitter, at Craigslist peacast for my podcast
Craigslist Craigslist Joey jeby Grieber on Instagram. It's pretty much
all the always spelling that big boy j e b
b y g r e b b e R. I
don't think that's right. I don't think it was either think.
(55:13):
But that's the name of the theater players, Dynasty Typewriter
and the website Dynasty typewriter dot com. That's where the
calendar is. You see all the events, that's right. My
Twitter is just Vanessa Ragland correct the real James Heeney
on YouTube on the tube as the kids calling Chris
bring us home. If you can't get enough of pictures
(55:34):
of improv scenes on Instagram check out at Chris Operardo.
Will you'll see me on stage a bunch Yes, Thanks
again as always to our man with the plan and
the sounds of magic, Raphael Brick. Not even close, but
(56:00):
I do have at the side project dot com. Go there,
look it up side project, the side to side at
the side project, not the side project right d side project?
Who knows it? Our engineer with the year until next time.
(56:29):
This has been alchemy then
M. Welcome back to alchemy. Then I'm your host. Kevin.
I like, yes, that's right, that Kevin po But hey, listen,
what's that? Well? When I said yes to the film,
Joanna man will Smith was attached to play the lead. Okay,
please don't try to stay with me here. Throughout my career,
I've been fortunate to see my fair share of true alchemy.
(00:21):
By definition, alchemy is quote when a person transforms or
creates something through a seemingly magical process. And my dear
stems and seeds, like I said, I've been witnessed to
the stuff on several occasions. An example, sure you're gonna
be like that. Let's see the role of Columbo was
originally offered to Bing Crosby, and I don't think the
show would have been as magical if the lieutenant said,
(00:45):
h boy, I hate to bother you, but can I
ask you one last question? Breatruth? I digress. The point, folks,
is that an idea hit me square in the old box?
Are rocks? What have I brought together the right creative
people forced them to make shut up? Based on my
own twisted, demented ideas and maybe some of yours from
emails you sent in, But damn it, I would then
(01:06):
put together a podcast that featured this seemingly magical process,
and I could call it alchemy on my shoulders makes
me happy. Well, after a month of tinkering, I'm so
very proud to welcome you, dear friends, the episode of Alchemy. This.
Let's meet our alchemists, shall we? In no particular order?
Say hello to Vanessa Raglan Vaness? What time is the
(01:29):
best time? Night time? He got it right, knighted up
as Joey GUACAMOLEI better known as Joey Greer. Joe what
day's best for loving? All? Right? Whatever, sir? And how
about it? James Heney, what's Easter mean to your son? Oh? God,
(01:51):
I just can't believe you said my name without any
other attachment. Easter to my son it means he was born? Uh,
I don't have on Wait? Wait do you yes to
and me? Wait? Okay, I have kids. I got lots
of kids and I love the kids. Look out, it's
Mr Christoforado. Chris, where do you get off? Thank you?
(02:19):
Last but one your drawers? If you think LEAs Mr
Craig Atkowski, Greig, tell the folks where you're schooled down
the old schoolyard with me and Julio. All right, let's
get to our first scene. The scene is home for
Easter holiday, a widower, two adult children, forty somewhere in there,
(02:42):
one of their younger second wives, and one teenage grand
child whose favorite TV show sitcom is a show called
the Hell You Say? Okay, everyone who wants to cut
the Easter ham? Dad, Dad, tradition, we always have sit down.
Sit down. I stand at Easter. That's a tradition. Al right,
(03:08):
we all stand with a standing table. I don't want
to even be here. I'm not as real mom, so
I don't feel like I should say any sweeter. It's
never too late to discipline these kids. I'm telling you,
he can call you mom, no, thank you. I don't
want to call her mom either. She doesn't like it,
(03:30):
and I don't like her. All right with Steve, Steve mean,
I'm your dad, right of course, So just listen to
me and listen to your grandpa. Steve. You want to
cut the Easter ham? That's he was extreme Dad. I mean, yeah, sure,
give me that knife, okay, now watch it. It's a
very sharp knife. I'm not an idiot, Grandpa, watch out.
(03:50):
Ma just had it sharpened at the farmer's market last
It was nice. That was nice, Steve, Thank you. I disagree.
I think it ages me. I don't think that's who
I am. That's not how I see myself. And I
think it's weird to impose this on us. This is
very new. Okay, okay, okay, that's true. I love you, baby,
I love you. Thank you. We're getting to each other.
(04:12):
I love you. Yeah, you know you know where I
stand on that. I know. Pops, Kyle, welcome to the family.
I guess. I mean, what's up? Can you just take
your earphones off the table? Dude? What's up? We're doing
hand Pops? Cal and Shelly we met briefly at the
wedding that killed it on the dance floor. I wish
(04:36):
your brother could move like you, Debra. I wish you
didn't use your name Shelly to my younger brother, because
I know Shelly is like your party name party that dad.
When she has a couple of white sins in her
Then all of a sudden, she wish I had a
(04:56):
party name. I can get me one. How about Rock?
All right, Steve, this is a big tradition here in
our family. Okay, the first cut always well, Mom used
to do the first cut and yeah, God, God rest
your soul. So we never got a pre cut ham.
We never once got a pre cut ham. We cut
(05:19):
the ham here at the table. So the fact that
Grandpa wants you to do it, it's a big deal.
I know it's a big deal. I'm trying. Okay, if
you want me to do it, well, I'm crying. I
could cut somebody. I could. I'm not fighting with you.
Watch how does not what my son would be like.
He's just swimming that knife for I wonder, I wonder
where he got that from. I don't know. I don't know.
Maybe the one person that used to throw knives in
(05:41):
the basement. I told him that was adult zone. He
came down what he wanted to. It's bad. I used
to throw a knife like a good brother, alright, but
I never saw anyone could throw a knife. Proud of you.
I love you. I love you too. And I just
want to say, for the record here at Easter, I'm
(06:01):
so sorry about the dead mom Um and your dead wife. Dad, Dad,
have a seat, have a seat, okay, Um, I'll say
the words. Mom, used to say, creepy, we're all here
to win in her voice. Where all music to my ears?
(06:28):
Because the Lord wanted it this way and I wouldn't
have it any other way, Debra. Kyle, he was squeezing
my hand side. Kyle, will you bring it home the
way Mom used to? And it's all about family. Family.
(06:49):
It sounds just like her. I love you, all right, buddy,
you guys watch Kyle. I mean, okay, here it is.
It's simple. It's cut right here. Good. You're mangling it.
I'm not mangling it. It's it's ste You should be
able to get a good piece of ham out of it.
I'll just cut it. I'm cutting. It's a sharp knife.
(07:13):
Ham is tough. I'm trying. It's not a tough ham
kind of traded. Kyle. Cut that penetrate like I mean
I did. I penetrated the skin. Jeez, the knife is
stuck in there. Hold on here, just let me help
you let me. Oh my god, Dad, stop, come on
me to the kitchen. Oh yeah, I'm dever right now
(07:41):
throwing some knives. You're so good at that. Whatever it
is a thing I do. Happy Easter, Happy Easter. Would
you give up for lent. I like that. I don't
give up ship, I take gone more stuff. Wow. Well,
(08:02):
I just want you to know right now that can
never happen again. All right, I guess we can do
something else, though, we'll put some pressure on it. You're
bleeding all over the goddamn play dad, Dad, I'm trying
to tell you something. I've been going through your accounts,
spending money like crazy. I give you a monthly allowance
and you blow it. What are you blowing? I don't
want a monthly allowance anymore? What do you mean? How
(08:24):
else are you gonna get money? Well, what's the point
of money if other to spend it? You know, I'm
not going to be around for much longer. Yeah, you
want your inheritance. While we were in the kitchen, I'm
not eating this ham. There's blood all over it. It's
your same blood. It's your blood. We have the same blood.
I don't care if Jesus's blood is what it is.
It's my blood. Dad. I love you too, Okay? Why
(08:46):
do I feel like the bad guy here today? Debra?
This morning, when we woke up, you looked more beautiful
than ever. Thank you. And you also look more beautiful
than ever know if that she looked more BEAUTIFU you
weren't there when we woke up. All right, this is
what I'm sweet, Okay. I just I'm doing a lot here, okay,
(09:11):
and my fingers still bleeding. You guys went to the
kitchen and nothing. I just feel like, let's go back.
I'll just use my shirt the kitchen. We'll get another shirt.
We'll get another shirt in the kitchen. I'll be right back.
I'm going to get another chirt from the kitchen. So
you can never kiss yet. I don't want to kissing you.
That's something I will give up kissing. Yeah, fork is
(09:35):
stuck in the refrigerator. Yeah, I want you to take
that forecut and I want you to stab it run
above my knee. What are you looking at on that
goddamn phone? Kid, I'm watching YouTube videos, YouTube videos. I'm
watching my favorite clips from my show. Tell me about it. Well,
this is it's a bunch of kids that treat their
adults that are around the real rude like they should be.
(09:57):
This is this is the the kid you're raising. I
don't know, Dad, Okay, I give you up like this, Dad,
what are you spending six hundred dollars a month on entertainment. Entertainment,
A movie is nine dollars with your discount. I don't
always get the discount. It's ages, all right, yes, like
(10:23):
I got a strip club sometimes. Mr. Your mob right.
I heard Kyle really bad, Kyle really bad? Okay, Shelly, Kyle, Kyle,
I might want to let you bleed out, to be honest, No,
(10:43):
let it happen. It's my time. It's not your time. Oh,
Jesus take me instead, Jesus take me. Don't take this
beautiful boy. What's mom? Why would you? I'm not your mom? Dad?
Why she'll be read here? She doesn't even love either,
(11:04):
but she clearly look at how goddamn pretty she is.
Dist and she's a dentist. I know I have pretty
best up teeth, dad, but I don't care, like I
don't need him to get fixed. Kyle, Yeah, you're gonna
make it. I don't know. I hit my knee. I
(11:25):
think I'm going to bleed out all my bloods in
my knee right now, and it's coming out my knee.
You know what I say. We used this as an opportunity.
Put your knee over the ham. Everyone cut themselves. We're
all gonna add to the blood Ham. Let's make this
blood ham. Let's go. Here we go. This is the
only way to handle this. Yep, all right, here we go. Okay, baby,
(11:47):
cut yourself? Did it? Good? Good? Good? Dad? Whoa that's
a big one, Steve. I okay, oh good. I just
want to say, Shelly, I've loved this is the first day.
(12:07):
I just want to say that. It wasn't love that
I was feeling. But we had this weird chemistry and
I liked following it where it went, but not having
to come home to it. All right, here's what I'm
willing to do. Here's what I'm willing to do. Kyle.
You can have Shelley as long as I can have
my Deborah. Deal dead deal, Stop spending so much money.
(12:29):
All right. I feel like our family has never been
closer than this. God takes Steve. Everybody, Let's take one
bite of this hand, pass it around, and as the
Rogerson's bled out over the beautiful Ham. It would only
be another week before young Steve was cast in the
long running popular sitcom The Hell You Say. He joined
(12:55):
that sitcom in season eleven. Would I'll take you to
the table read of the first episode of season eleven
of the hell you say. Al Right, guys, is everybody ready?
We don't have a lot of time today. We started
late already because nobody seems to be able to get
here on time. I have seventy seven thousand Instagram followers now,
so yeah, i'd say I'm ready. It's not that much.
(13:17):
I'd say I'm ready. We're ready, We already. I'm ready
to pretend I'm thirteen again. Where are we reading from.
We're going from the We're going to take it from
the top, because you guys have got to get the
first part recorded. Okay, can you not just the attitude?
I am stressing out because I am nearly going to
lose my job because I'm working with a bunch of
(13:39):
middle aged teenagers. I wish I could lose my job. Careful,
how hard you wish? Bitch? Okay, oh my god, did
you hear that? If you were, i'd feel bad. But
you're old enough to hear that kind of language. Now,
just sit down, pull out your scripts. I need water.
(13:59):
I'd like a juice box. Juice box, it gets me
and my character. All right, I'll be right back when
I come back in here. You guys better be ready
to work. Stop causing Jesus Christ Blake, do you have
a hundred forty Instagram followers? What the funk, dude, it's
not even my account. It's like, hell, you say Brazilian,
(14:21):
they just got They just like flood them in. There's
no way you're a popular pop Jesus, this is run
forever because like this, you can't even say your own words,
much less the ship they're telling us. I had an
adult lisp until this show. Okay, I'm working on my
diction because diction is done with the tip of the
(14:42):
tongue and the teeth. We've been supportive of it, man,
We've been completely supportive. All right. You make it as
if we don't like unless we don't care. Man, just
affects the job, that's what we care about. And here's
a water, here's a juice box, and here's a Miller
high a lot of energy you're coming in with. I
am sorry, I'm trying to calm down, but I just
feel like I'm babysitting. Are getting Did you change shirts?
(15:05):
You did change shirts that I spilled on my shirt?
Is that a lady shirt? A woman? That's one of
my shirts? What the hell? You can't take stuff from
the rack. You can't wear Claire's stuff, thank you. Nobody's
wearing that rack clothes. This is from a previous hold
on one second. Hello, Yeah, hey, it's Tim. I just
want to give your heads up that the Craig the
(15:29):
network guys coming back. Oh no, this isn't a good take,
and he's running late, but he's gonna be there. No,
tell him to turn around. This is what I can do.
It's okay, thanks, all right. Blouse does not work for you, listen,
it's working for me. Wide Can we just go Okay, listen,
somebody's coming in here, and I don't want to be
(15:49):
the bearer of bad news. So we always are. You
always are. Craig's coming in the seasons. We know who
Craig is. He doesn't come in because things are working good.
Are you reading the script or not, Julio? Will you
do the stage directions? Of course? Will Okay, let's do
this thing and do the laughs too. We can't do
(16:09):
it without the laughs, Julio, I mean I'll do the
last diction is done with the tip of the tongue
and the teeth. Exterior house day inside? What was that?
What was the staterior? Day inside? Wait? Why is it exterior?
If it's inside, it's a it's a jump cut, idiot,
(16:31):
it's exterior. Then we cut to interior. Tell me, just
tell us where we are. Oh my god, my pets,
sit are just canceled. Oh I am hey, guys, so sorry,
I'm l oh my gosh, Bi Craig from Network. No,
(16:52):
I know. I thought you were going to be late.
I thought it was m back what I cig's not
on the show. You are so funny, Come on, come on,
not my acting days behind me? No, No, I saw
the show you did. How did you? How did you
(17:12):
find that? How did you find that? Everything's out there? Okay,
real quick? Can I get a selfie with you? Real quick? Absolutely?
You don't have to say yes. Nice, nice numbers on social.
Got to get those numbers up though. I try to
get those numbers up because it's really important. Yes. Uh.
There's there's a girl on Instagram with two point three
(17:34):
million if you, if you guys could get her on.
She's got two point three million followers. She takes selfies
with her parents every day. She's very hot, big tits,
very funny. I don't know, can be great. I don't
know if she can be worked into this episode. It
sounds like a valuable person this episode. You're the script
(17:54):
is right here. There's not really an extra okay, Okay,
I'm just throwing it out there, and there's probably some
thing we can throw her. I'm sure, I'm sure of it. Okay. Uh.
Well sorry, let's see what picking up where you work?
Where you work? Okay, Well, Lucky, we're just at the
beginning exterior day interior Okay, okay, I'm sorry, yeah, exterior interior.
(18:25):
Could we go interior exterior like that? Okay, okay, let's
just I'm gonna scratch this out, okay, so just interior.
This is JO. Just print off some new ones with
that exterior in there. Okay, can you just do that
real quick? Thank you? All right, I'll be right back,
Thank you, Craig. I just want to say I love yourself. Okay,
(18:46):
I love yourself. I just no, please, please. One. We've
been talking about me doing a spin off, something more adult,
and the script I gave you was in I thought
it was in great shape, and I was just wondering
if you had any thoughts on this script you gave me.
Did you give it to me? I did, yeah? Or
did you give it to Anita. I gave it to you,
gave it to you, give it to Anita, because it
(19:09):
gets to me fast. You said you were excited about it, right,
I'm super excited about I'm super excited about the idea
of a spin off. You know, if you if you
go through Anita, it gets to me faster than if
you give it to me directly. Okay, sorry to pull
it away, but okay, I'm having some trouble with the
character now. You're you're you're making him smaller, and I
(19:33):
just feel as so performance wise, I'm not I'm not
being able to give everything I want to give. You're
upset with the plot point of view being shrunk, yes
to six inches? Yes, okay, I just feel so literally
it's harder to see me. You know. Well, I mean,
we're still gonna do close ups of your shrunk character,
and there's gonna be you know, there's gonna be like
(19:53):
a giant you interacting with a giant cat. I'm so sorry,
all right, it is is that this is the same
thing it was the dress. I just unfolded it. It's listen,
this is the first episode of seasonal leven. These are
still hot. I'm gonna pass it around. Oh, I mean
those are hot. You need to warn people. I mean
(20:14):
it's a script printer. It gets hot. That's ink, Toner,
I don't know what to tell. Are you mad at this? Julio?
Mad at you? Hullo? Your calves are nice? Thanks? Thanks?
Greig watches watches the hell you say? I'm like, the
hell you say? How are you supposed to be doing
me right now? Yeah? I'm just doing what you What
(20:37):
the hell you say? After all these years, you guys
are still finding new inflections. It's incredible. Really, just start off.
I've reprinted the script. Okay, I'm that is hot. You
need to let people know about that, will um. And
you know it's sort of my show. Um, I mean
it's your show, but it's okay. Can my characters. Can
(20:59):
I say the word real cheese right now? I don't
want to say gwilled cheese anymore. It's demeaning. It makes
you feel weird. I don't like it. I don't have
a speech impediment with other words this one. When you
say gwilled cheese, our ratings go up in that moment.
We Yeah, you have me saying it a lot, so
I figured it had something to do with ratings. But
(21:20):
I mean, I'm I want to do drama. The hell
you say we started with your future and adult films.
After we're done reading through this scripture, it starts interior
interior day. What what interior? It's the only house that
(21:41):
we start on avery episode. It's interior day at the house.
Can you put off with the house? I mean we
all right, I'm gonna start. I'm gonna start reading. Don't
read my lines. I'm not gonna read your lines. The
first line of the of the the act, all right?
I noticed. Yeah, I guess I'm hot. Give me some water.
(22:02):
Sorry to interrupt. I'm gonna throw this out there, Jo.
How married to the house are we? Because Disneyland, we've
been wanting to do a tie in with them for
a while. They're about to open the Star Wars land.
You know, Star Wars very big right now, very hot? Um,
(22:23):
if there were Ewoks or Jawa's, I'm not sure. I
don't know the whole you know. Can I just point
us back to season nine where you tried the Knotsbury
Farm tie in and it was a disaster. I think
we have to stay in the house if we're doing
this but the Star Wars might be able to make
me normal size again. That's right, because there are there
(22:44):
are like smaller creatures within the so I think I
think it's justified. I just feel like, eleven years at
this house, we've grown up together here, and like stated,
the Knotsbury Farm episode was atrocious. People thought it was
a joke. I thought, maybe somebody's doing a parody spin
off of our show. Wow, Craig, I'm sorry that they're
(23:05):
talking to you this way. I love the idea and like,
I'll do whatever you want may to do. Frankly, you
know what I mean. I mean the entire series has
taken place in a Midwest town. I don't. I mean, Okay, yes,
I just want to put out there. I have deferred
from Juilliard four times. That's as many as I'm allowed
to do. All Right, here's what we're gonna do. Okay,
(23:26):
how kind of works. We're gonna work the script afterwards.
We're just gonna restart it from the top. I won't
interrupt anymore. Disneyland okay, yes, Disneyland, go to the same lines.
We'll figure the rest out and post Okay, I'm gonna
switch up my first line again because to make a
Disney orientedature. Yeah, it's hot at the teacups, I'll take
(23:52):
some water. Sorry, all I brought was willed cheese. I'm
getting your crumbs down here, little guy. We didn't even
have to pay full price for him. I'm sorry. I
can't do this anymore. Guys, do this anymore? I quit you.
(24:20):
You three have ruined my life. I was an artist.
I wanted to do theater. Why did you write this? Then?
I was only writing for ratings? And then this asshole
Kim here you you. Oh, the script is hot and
(24:42):
you're gonna eat every least the drama teacher Vanessa and
several students who went on to star in the hell
you say? I have gathered for tryout of this new
(25:03):
David Man play, calling all thesbians present asbians do it
on the stage, big day. I'm sure we've all got
the jitters that shake it out. Check it out, check
it out. Remember, leave your baggage at the door. Okay,
(25:23):
this is a safe space. We're gonna try some really
exciting stuff today. I want us to be supported. I
want us to be ground. Okay, I want this Class
two matters so much to you that you go home
and you write the principle a letter demanding that I'd
(25:47):
be recognized in a more thorough away by the school
board and that my role is expanded, just as you
were expanding in your own role. You we're gonna work
on that. The lips, the teeth, the tip of the
to the lips, the teeth, the tip of the tongue. Okay,
(26:08):
starry people, the lips, teeth, the tip of the you
don't have to do this, I matt um. Hey, Blake,
have you heard of this thing called Instagram? Okay, we're
gonna start our auditions. I would like to comind you
of the process. Each of you is going to present
something you've chosen yourself, but you're going to do it
(26:29):
curveball in the style of one David Mamette. But Juliana,
I've prepared the stage manager role from Thornton Wilder's Our Town.
I'll make an exception, okay, and I'm doing Mike from
Bogosians Suburbia. Wow. Well, who's up first? I think Blake.
(26:52):
I'm gonna be doing uh Gary Oldman from the Fifth Element.
Let's all give him our support. We support you, Blake support,
We support you, Blake clapping. Man enough, let him go,
let him start the manual. Zorg thank you Wow, short monologue.
(27:19):
I've got ten pages, had economy of language, well played
like it's going to be a hard one to top,
hard one to top? Is this a competition? I don't
know what you said. Thank you? Up next, this place
is called Grover's Corners. Let's all support Damon. Sorry, it's okay,
(27:43):
it's okay, we support you, Damon. This place is called
Grover's Corners. And over there, well that's Doc gives his house. Oh,
here comes how we knew some deliver in the morning paper.
I don't know how to make it more man. Yeah,
I was going to cut you off. I'm glad you
cut yourself. I didn't see how it did anyone see Howie?
(28:07):
Well he's not in the scene. I'm just referring to him. Well,
I didn't see him. Do you see what I'm saying.
You know what I'm saying. You know we talked about pelvis.
Do you feel that I have a lot of fat there? Oh?
Stop it. You're gonna grow out of that. You're gonna
shoot up like a string bed in one of these days.
Well you're big, but you could be big and tall someday. Okay,
(28:28):
So Desmond, no part for you, okay, what We're not
going to give you a part in this one. It's okay.
You're gonna go outside, go over and calm down. You're
gonna calm down. Sit down between the drama teacher and
(28:50):
Desmond's parents, we've been gathered, talk about the incident. You
can sit on the pillows, it's fun. I prefer to
stay on, just sit. I prefer to stand. I'm a
meat man, That's what I do. I want to starry
up by saying, we fully respect you in your process.
Thank you if you echo that sentiment to the principle.
(29:12):
And no, but you put hands on our son, you correct,
and that seems to cross I have crossed the line.
I'm sorry. I have a question or either of you artists.
I make cakes at home. That's not our mm hmm, sir.
I'm a meat man. Okay. Now I can understand being
(29:34):
startled someone put hands on your children. Okay, but I
am an artist. Drop this theater talk. No, our fat
boy is sad. You made our fat boys sad, and
when he comes home someone you don't want to. I
made your fat boy vulnerable for the first time in
his life. He's fat, he's already vulnerable. I made him weep.
(29:58):
Do you understand that? Be you haven't cried in a
very long time. All my salts and my meat, I
don't push it up my eyes. I don't see the meat.
Where's the meat. It's in my car cooking, put it
on the dash. Maybe your eyes are watering it. You
always want to be a meat man, So with a fat,
(30:19):
fat little boy, I always want to be a meat man.
Is that right? There's nothing else inside of you. You're
putting hands on my husband? Get back, Get back now,
my fair cousins. If we are marked to die, we
are enough to do our country loss, or to take
(30:44):
a few more sessions to get it right. But we
got it started. What the fuck? That was incredible? And
now back to the auditions, as another student steps up
with his own version of a scene style of man squeaming.
I'm just this one's from War of the Rings and
it's kind of a it was in the director's Let
(31:04):
me just we all support I'm all right and in
this listen. So there's the spell that will bring us
all back to Morador. And you can trust me. I
am a wizard and all the little hobbits can follow along.
(31:27):
Thank you for you're welcome. Okay, I'm not um, I'm
not even gonna talk us through that one. But that
was what we call what's it when you give someone
a free chance? Um? It was a mulligan. Ah, so
my getting a second chance to do another another queening. No,
you're not going to be in the show. Pardon me?
(31:49):
I thought the mulligan is I don't I don't really know.
I thought it's what people said when they did something
just for the hell of it. But it doesn't mean anything.
You make people on comfortable when they look at you,
and there's people on stage need to make people feel safe.
There's gotta be a role for some that makes people
feel uncomfortable. Julianna, how many roles are available in this play?
(32:10):
Because if you're not casting me and screaming, then raised
a good point. I may have to, Unfortunately, though I
dread it, step in to the production myself again. Again,
this is not what I wanted to do. That's not
how I wanted it to go. But you know what
I'm working with. May now take you backstage after the
first performance that the drama teacher in fact, did participate
(32:33):
in Oh my God. Enters David Mammon, who happened to
be in the audience to see his play performed by
this high Great job, Julianna, Job, Julianna, I hope that
curtain pool was Okay, it's great. Had fun up there.
Excuse me, excuse me? Yes, I don't know if you
(32:56):
know who I am. I have two guesses. Okay, are
you from the newspaper? Not from the newspaper? That was
actually my only guest. I'm Julianna, screamings dad. Oh, he's
Scleaming's father. Who is squeaming? What can my name? Is
it to me? I've been working back here in tech.
(33:18):
That's not my father. Back in the box, I'm David
me oh, sir. When I heard that a high school
was putting out a production of my new play, which
has not yet been produced, I was I found a draft,
and I took a liberty. How did you find a draft?
(33:40):
Needless to say, I was curious? Trash trash. I sometimes
late at night, I I take walks and I don't
know where they'll lead me, but they often lead me
to the dumpster. One particular evening, I found a draft.
I saw your name, hi, okay, and I brought it
(34:01):
to the school. I don't know what you what's your
life is about? For me? No one ever notices me,
no one ever gives me my worst. And I thought
maybe if I could put this up, if I could
pull this off, maybe my luck would chain. What did
you think, Dave? Okay? I thought I thought you were magnetic.
(34:22):
To be honest, to see two fifteen year old boys
in one point taken, I need to moist rozz. There
was no acting up there. It was just real, uncomfortably real.
Thank you, thank you. This is the only way I
(34:42):
want my productions done from now on. Oh my god,
Oh my god. Okay, okay, what does that mean for me?
I need to know what that means for me? What
that means? You're you gonna stay right here at this
high Creak're stay right? No, No, you're doing good work here,
You're doing good work here. During intermission, I wrote up
another play. If you could just talk to the principle
(35:05):
and let him know. I don't want to get involved,
I don't want to look thick. Yeah, I'm very very prolific,
very fast. Right. There's also a lot of pauses and
a lot of really short lives. I'm sorry to interrupted.
I saw you make your way back here again. Mr mammon,
(35:29):
I'm a meat man and uh I have found the
joy of acting again. You're in the play just the
way that the way they that interaction we just had
that it was so real. Do you think we could
go to Broadway? Screaming? Screaming? I just wanted to say
that I thought you did a really good job today.
(35:50):
And if you don't have a date to um the dance,
maybe you'd want to go with me. I mean absolutely,
I've always wanted to go to the dance. It would
be great. Here's the thing, like, I really I don't okay,
alright going no, wait wait come here, come get that
kid out of my sight. Wait, Mr mamt make doesn't
(36:13):
he get wait? Wait wait wait get out of here?
Wait all right, I'll go then, thank you. It's just
that I always make people get out. We're not going, okay,
good decision, Thank you, Mr Moment, ma'am please she pronounces
(36:36):
it moment. Do you then we'll go with that? Thank you, David.
Mr Mahmatt, do you have a date to the dance
this year? This year? I don't. Do you think maybe
you'd want to go with twelve year old girl who's
(36:57):
really into poetry and really into school. Oh I don't
see why not. I hate to interject I should the
reasons why not. First of all, I'm not I don't
go to this high school. I'm still in middle school okay,
but if it's okay with the teacher, yeah, I could
(37:19):
come to. It's also not how this works. Come on, Julian,
it's for the arts. You make a good point. Art's
funny like that. You never know what's coming your way,
what's going to be your ship, and what's going to
be your anchor. I hope I look like you when
i'm your age. Do I smell a brisket cooking on
the hood of the car? I got a whole bunch
(37:39):
out there, got a shore rim in the trunk. I'd
love the brisket, all right, lay and cut yes, Lee
very late, scream and we see you. I was just
I gotta wrap up the courts when we're gone, okay,
and we're gloves for courts. I'm sorry conversing back here,
but the audience is even for you. They want more,
(38:01):
they want it Encore. Oh should I wing it. Do it?
Do it? Do my new play? Now it's four hours long?
Do it? Is it? Encore? Oh? I want to throw
want a thrill? Cats walking again? So early reading something
(38:32):
and yet so late. My shop won't open for three
hours yet and here I am show. Don't tell me?
What do you do? When does our kid get pacing? Pacing? Pacing?
(38:54):
This is an early draft if only I was paid
by the step instead of the case. But like Google,
mhm cakes when my mother's trade my brother sport he
had a darker situation. So I went with cakes, cakes
with the alternative to two pasting pasting pacing three hours
(39:20):
un till the shop opens. Mrs Worsan speed the plot alright,
first of the last break, let's go. I know I'm
gonna love against sup Here juice books, squeaming. He ended
(39:55):
up as a cast member at Disneyland. We now take
you to Disneyland backstage. It's the Christmas Holidays. President are
cast members, the famous Disney characters, of course, and a
few of their handlers, as well as a couple of
cart workers, attraction attendance and a repair person. Leave the
(40:21):
heads over there, you got a hand I brought gifts
who's got a cigarette? You can't smoke in here. I'm
sure you gotta put that outroom. Are we doing the
gift exchange? Or what was that a prank email? Gosh
there here with us, man, let it go, turn it
(40:44):
off and leave the characters outside. I'm gonna clear your own.
I'm just saying, with that sitcom shooting here, it's so
busy today. Yeah, hell you stay super popular. Yeah, I
love it. They're eleven seasons turkey. Can you imagine that
kind of money? I brought everyone a gift as the email.
(41:04):
I am starting to realize it was another elaborate prank.
But I'm gonna give you the gifts anyway. We'll get
you one nick year. You know, okay, I believe you.
I've spent the limit, which was seventy a person get
to give the gifts, screaming this is for you for
(41:25):
obvious reasons. Oh thank you. Another mirror. It's a mirror.
It is it's it's uh, it's it's like a small circumspira.
It makes me look fat. It makes me look fator.
That's great. I don't merry Christmas. That's what you look
(41:48):
like if you were fat. Thanks, that's great, keep you,
humble shark. Give the gifts out. Ah, here's yours, don't
shake it. It's a great thank you, seventy worth of
him a laying the sea salt. That's a lot of
sea songs. You said you like to sell, so darn thanks, Chuck.
(42:16):
It's problem. You don't have to do that with me.
Just be yourself. It's a seventy dollars. The fuck it,
he's practical. Thanks all right, guys, free balloons. These didn't sell,
(42:37):
so take them. Well they're hot, dudes. Take the balloons. No, no,
but we get the kid these because we didn't sell them.
You didn't sell them. We don't need them. There's no
reason for me that I don't want any balloons. It's
a balloons. They have a mickey in the balloon. We
can't smoke back here, guys, free balloons if you if
(43:02):
you can't sell those balloons, I mean, I don't know
what to say. Hunter. That reflects poorly on you and
the House of mouths. Wait, am I supposed to be
pushing these specifically? Yes, at your job, Hunter, but I
thought it was just supposed to stand there and they're
gonna come up to me run through It is Hey kid,
how much of balloons you want one? What's going on?
(43:23):
What's going on? I asked the question, how much of
the ball you want one? First you compliment, then you quote,
and then you see you Okay, let me try that again.
Hey kid, how much of balloons? You're nice? Twelve? I'm
not twelve? Now that was you. Gotta be very clear,
it's only and then you see? Will you do one
(43:44):
for me? Sure? Give me the balloons? Okay, hey kid?
How much? Hello? Beautiful? Look at your eyes? Well you're
the luckiest person. That's some guy in the sky. But
those in your skull compliment, ain't you sweet? There's their
seen fifty and they'll take that. And that's what we
(44:06):
go see c Q c Q s to remember, Hey kid,
how much your balloon mine? What the what compliment? I
was gonna compliment? You said, I want to sell popcorn?
Is that what you want? You want to go to
the popcorn card? No, that's what's happening. That's your future. No,
I don't. Nobody ever leaves a popcorn card. Nobody comes
(44:27):
back from corn. Look. The reason why I even got
the balloon gig because my uncle was a Golden Cast member.
That's right, and so um, I got to you know,
go to this gig. It's cushy, it's nice. I like it.
I'll do better. Okay, it's not cushy. If you're doing
it right, maybe maybe you'd be as good as a
cash member putting a costume. More of them big heads,
(44:48):
you know, like goofy over there. Well, let's let's try
what's that weirdo from the monster cartoon, the big gay
for that's right, that's right. Mustard Inc. Was the name
of the thing. And that's it. That's the one, all right.
(45:16):
So let's say you that guy and you walk around.
You don't have to speak, you don't have to sell.
You just walk around in a big fur outfit. How
would you do that? Um? Like, I'd go, umm, you
don't know when you don't talk when you're in there. No,
I'm going to I'm gonna not talk right now. Okay,
So let's see you walk around in the outfit. Okay,
you're dancing? Why are you dancing? He wouldn't move like that?
(45:38):
That a character was he and he was very heavy
and Peter School I was talked to not walk. But
he's not a tree. What's he doing? He's a big.
My uncle was a golden cast member and he died
and you inherit it is. He was Donald for fifty years.
He walked around It was a good man and a
(45:58):
great lover. Want to do Donald? Is that what you're saying? Yeah?
I wanted to he could never do. Yes, I can.
It's in my blood. You gave me one shot. One shot.
Where's that out screaming in the world. In the real world,
you're gonna get yourself and you've just earned yourself one mulligan. Okay,
go for it. Take a mulligan right now, buddy. Does
(46:21):
that mean I go? I go again? In theater? Mulligan
means you got one shot. I went to theater high schools, right.
Everybody knows that. Give us your best, okay, everybody, and
I present to you Donald talk. Remember you don't wait,
(46:42):
you don't Yeah, the cast members, they don't talk. It's
walking around the I'll just talk back. Stay used to
get into character, and then I worship. Is the only
reason why even put up with that crap, because they
don't have him talk about that Donald. My uncle never spoke,
not unless he was making love here in the break room.
He talked his head off couldn't shut him up, but
he would regale us with stories about monologues. He do
(47:03):
impromptu monologue in the park, play recording last thing he
said to us back here, ready, here we go? Killed
me every Yeah, I can do that. Oh cool? What
the let's say? That's disrespect? You know what popcorn duty?
(47:24):
You don't have that authority. No, I do not, No,
I do not not. The corn card. You know, where's
a rare thing here at the park. If enough of
us get together, we can pop corn a regular guy.
You can only do it twice in our tenure here,
and we've done it once before. I think we're getting
(47:44):
ready to corn card, you buddy. Okay, listen. I think
we got off on the wrong foot. I didn't sell
the balloons. I didn't do a good job as the monster.
I failed as Donald. Yep, but it's in my blood.
I tell you. You've got three Mulligan's already. You know,
maybe you could do the drawings. You know that people
walk all right, draw any one of us? I did well,
(48:06):
I'll try. You just exaggerate one feature. You know, if
my ears are a little big, make them really big. Okay,
that's the secret. As Oh my god, oh jenals pianist like,
we can't see that. I could see the outline of
his Oh my god, I do have a slightly big
(48:30):
How do you know? It's like a tripod. I could
see it. You know what? You know? What? What? What?
What is your kid? Maybe I'll go to nuts Verry
far Okay, I don't know. Six Flags, Magic Mountain, failing, failing.
Huh what would you to get that? You're effect us
(48:50):
at all? I disagree because when I'm the best snoopy
that park has ever seen, or the best Batman that
park has ever seen, I'm gonna get all the glory
and I'm gonna come back here one day and I'm
gonna show you all. I'm gonna show you all. I'm
take it out a Knutsbury Farm, where he's in fact,
(49:10):
dressed as Batman addressing the troops backstage at Knutsbury Farm. Okay,
I am the man behind the bat I don't know
how you got that outfit and what you're doing back here,
but we don't have the rights to have you back
(49:33):
on our park. No, you do not. You and the
Man of the Black Night give me that hat ah
and the wizard who flies about the sky, the character
is not a wizard security over here like we can. Sorry,
that's me, I forgot get him out of here. I'm
gonna cough. You touch me. I'm the man whose masks
(49:54):
is the ears of the night. I'm the one who flies.
This might not be a custom. I am the man
the text and the tests. I am the bat. Yeah,
it really doesn't sound like no no, no, no no,
like a whisper ever. No, that's good. That's bad Ron
(50:20):
doing that. I don't know. I just sell jelly for
a limit. You found a new thing it again, Ron,
I am the bad. I am the bad. Say I
love you, Tina, you dirty little freak. I love you, Tina.
You do it A little freak, A little freak. That
doesn't work. No, I hear it now. Yeah, I don't
(50:42):
want to be the voice of reason. But we're not
Sperry Farm. You're not allowed to wear that in the park.
You can't tell the man behind the bat who he is.
Well as you'll all see when I go to the
state farm and I make a big splash, all right,
I mean the county far, the county farm. Can we
(51:05):
county purity? Can we get this crazy? Please take that
costume off? Of it before we take now the corporate
retreated State Farm Insurance. All right, everyone, just give a
round of applause. I was really good on the log hurdling,
very very good. Thanks guys. Did somebody call for it?
So don't mind the blood coming from my mouth. It's
(51:27):
my own, my tongue as I jumped off the state.
Let go, let my daughter go. This much blood since
my last Easter dinner. What's your name, little girl? Alicia? Okay, Alicia?
Can you tell his nice people that you were being
held by the man who's the bad That's right, everybody,
(51:50):
I am here to protest, what to protect. He doesn't
sound like batman at all. Let her go. Let be
very very sad when you find out that I'm doing great,
great things. Listen to me, son of a batch, do
listen to me right now. That's my daughter that's in
your hands. That a stick, Oregon, that's both. I put
(52:13):
a stick inside the barrel of this gun. I don't
know what's gonna happen when I pull that. I'm the
man who's the bats Oh are you? Yeah? Well, I'm
a man who's her dad. Alicia, Close your eyes in
your ear, close your eyes, don't let you listen to me.
Listen to me, baby, listen to me right now. You
calling me baby? Tuck your knees into your chest. Good, good,
good good. Listen to me right now, my little baby,
(52:34):
little baby. I don't say a word that's gonna buy you.
I'm the man who's the bad According to my actuarial tables,
this is a very dangerous situation. Listen to me. How
good your aim? How good is your rains? I'm moving
her front of my hands up, I'm moving her. I'm
not good at amy, and I'm not thinking catch take
(52:57):
her back out. I don't want to leave her. I
told you all that man can fly. Holy shit, craziest thing, Alicia?
You okay, Dad? You just threw me at a batman
(53:19):
two times? Well, Alicia, it was in the moment. Did
you want me to shoot the stick? What happened? Who's back?
One quick question before I leave you already did? Can
we ask one too? A rope? Never mind? Never mind?
Go with your question? Who is the man who flies
(53:41):
behind the darkness shaft? Yeah? Certainly not the guy that
came in on the rope? Who is the man this one?
Shift asked two questions? You asked two questions. Just on
your rope and get out of here. One last question.
(54:05):
Yes you're ready again you see will just high coup.
This has been another episode of Alchemy. This right to
(54:26):
us at your name here at Alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at Alchemy this dot com. Send
your suggested scenes, scenarios, themes if you will, and the
Alchemists will make the magic as always, go around the
(54:48):
table to wrap things up. Craig working folks, catch you
at kask on Twitter, at Craigslist peacast for my podcast
Craigslist Craigslist Joey jeby Grieber on Instagram. It's pretty much
all the always spelling that big boy j e b
b y g r e b b e R. I
don't think that's right. I don't think it was either think.
(55:13):
But that's the name of the theater players, Dynasty Typewriter
and the website Dynasty typewriter dot com. That's where the
calendar is. You see all the events, that's right. My
Twitter is just Vanessa Ragland correct the real James Heeney
on YouTube on the tube as the kids calling Chris
bring us home. If you can't get enough of pictures
(55:34):
of improv scenes on Instagram check out at Chris Operardo.
Will you'll see me on stage a bunch Yes, Thanks
again as always to our man with the plan and
the sounds of magic, Raphael Brick. Not even close, but
(56:00):
I do have at the side project dot com. Go there,
look it up side project, the side to side at
the side project, not the side project right d side project?
Who knows it? Our engineer with the year until next time.
(56:29):
This has been alchemy then
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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