The year is 1492, and before Christopher Columbus is hired, several others vie for the honor of discovering the new world… An old lady thief has eluded capture for far too long, and several workers at a department store are hellbent to catch her in the act… An otherwise quick stop at a 7-Eleven reveals more self-discovery than the customers thought possible as they step up to the counter to purchase their crap…
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, listen, are just a quick word to let you
(00:01):
know that Alchemy This will be performing live on stage
at the Dynasty Typewriter Theater on May seven. Go to
Dynasty Typewriter dot com for tickets. Were performing May seven.
We'd love to have you come out and join us
right to us in fact after the show and let
us know how much you enjoyed it. See you all
May seven at Alchemy This Live at the dynast Typewriter Theater.
(00:22):
Welcome back to the episode of Alchemy This. I'm your host,
Kevin Powell. Guess that, Kevin that I'd be happy to
help you move sure, just make sure there's pits after
your scamp. But I digress. I simply couldnt be happy
to back in the studio with all of you for
another episode of Alchemy This. Let's meet our alchemists Shallow
(00:43):
we in no particular order. Please say hello to Craig
Atkowski Cocao. What was the last birthday present that surprised you? Uh?
I was my twenty one birthday. I was put in
a cart in the grocery island, wheeled around the grocery
store for a sup ice party. That's what I have here.
(01:05):
Answer goodness, I'll be a gleeful So and so it's
Vanessa raglan Venie. What season of the year would you
like to last all year fall? I'm falling for that answer. Hey, look,
it's James Heeney June Carney. What's your dessert of choice?
(01:25):
I like hot chocolate inside of a brownie. It's a
brownie like when you kind of open way to pull
that one out. By the way, we were going down
a slippery slope there. Yea, it's Lady Kakowski, Carla. What
(01:49):
would your first royal decree be? Um dogs for everyone?
And last but you will cry for me? Argentina, Argentina
if you think him least. It's Chris Alvarado, my dear Christmas.
Fill in the following. With socks like these, I can
blank never lose. Yes, that is also the correct. With
(02:13):
socks like these, I can never lose. Let's get to
our first scene. Shat we first up is from listener.
These are all of your listener emails right to us,
as always your name here at alchemy this dot com.
We'd love to hear from you, and I should alsom mention.
I hope you're enjoying the two episodes per week. Don't forget,
don't forget to check us out, um Tuesdays and Thursdays. Yeah,
(02:35):
and let us know in your emails at Alchemy at
your name here at alchemy this dot com. Holma hammahamma.
You're enjoying that. I just can't believe. As mentioned in
the past, we have a glass ceiling in this particular
studio and above us on the second floor. Producer producers
Sophie Lichtman, dog whose name is Anderson Cooper has this
(03:00):
to fall asleep. I'm gonna say arms and legs a
kimbo and and and the undercarriage is something will be
posted on on our Instagram. Oh man, perfect, appears to
be fixed. Appears to be fixed. Thank you. I don't
forget to do It's a lady dog, It's a lady dogs.
(03:21):
We're making it sound like Anderson Cooper could only be
a male. We're gonna get started seeing from a listener,
Chase Sabanski, Hello, Alchemists. I first heard of Alchemy This
through another podcast on the How Stuff Works Network and
whimsically thought I'll give it a try. I have to
say that I regret nothing. Oh, there's our best review yet.
(03:44):
I started my days early at four am, and I
need a little more than just coffee to wake me up.
So I listened to my favorite scenes from your podcast,
such as the author of How to Murder Your Husband,
stands trial and a fortune teller, to name a few.
Needless to say, it gets me into a positive of
mindset I need for my job, where we are thrilled
to provide you with that service. Chase. Uh. He goes on,
(04:06):
since I've listened to your podcast from its very first
episode of Brainstorm Different Ideas, and I thought you might like.
Here's one now, set around the year of four different
explorers compete with Christopher Columbus and meet with King or
Queen to explain what shape they think the Earth is
and explain why their trip should be funded. Thanks for
(04:26):
being yourselves, Chase Sabanski. Uh, we're reading for the next one. Yes,
being in the next Explorer please see that. Hello, your Highness,
your royal person. My name is Spencer and I come
(04:47):
from a land far far away and I yes, Sir,
I am, and as a matter of fact, I am
here to sell you not only myself but my big ideas.
Now are you ready to hear what I have to say,
well you're here, yes, sir, yes, sir, okay, imagine this,
put your hands together as if you were praying. Please
(05:08):
you dare to king. No, no, no, that wasn't my intention.
I just I'm trying to you know i'll do If
i'll do it, I'll show you. I'll show you. I'll
show you as to put my hands together to pray.
You see that it forms some kind of whatever the
chap would be, right, A steeple, A steeple, A steeple, now,
il church, this is the steeple, right, and look inside
(05:30):
and and what the people? Um. So here's what I'm
saying to you. Okay, I believe though world, the Earth
is shaped like a steeple. Should I get the next one?
Just about? Just about I understand how this works. If
(05:52):
you don't choose my idea, I am killed. Is that correct? Correct? Okay?
So just give me one more second here. So what
I need is a couple of ships to be hoisted
into the sky, because that's where I believe the earth ends.
So rather than sailing off into the sunsets to look
for new world, you're going to hoist ships that's right,
into the sky, Yes, sir, Where I will believe I
will also find new worlds. So what do you think?
(06:17):
Off with his head? Hello? Is it my turn yet? Yeah? Yeah,
step up, Hello, Edith here a woman, but a woman
of male ideas. I'm intrigued. I'd love to be an
(06:40):
explorer and would i'd like to do? I assume the
ware was made of bumps and grooves. I'd like to
go to different lands and just sort of meet the
people there and respect them and not not to hurt
them and not taking No, I'm anti pillaging, but I
(07:02):
would like to doodle them. I've become an accomplished doodler. Yes, service,
And if you'd like to look at my scratch pad,
this is what you were. And there's his head used
that looks exactly like Spencer's head. Yes, it was a
quick doud. That was very good. Papa, is it our
(07:25):
turn yet? I don't think it's our turn yet? Be patient,
will be there soon. So the world is made of
bumps and grooves, yes, yes, and I intend to over
the bumps and through the grooves and meet the different
people and respect them and not kill them and take
their land. No, what is the point of exploring you
(07:50):
you're supposed to meet new people, meet new friends. I'm
an extrovert. Although I seem like an introvert, I do
love meeting new people. Please close your eyes. I think
she's going to be I think he'll right. Could could
I commission a portrait of you me? Yes? Could you
do me? To do me? Are you able to doodle yourself?
Of course I can do a picture of your head
(08:13):
looking exactly like Spencer's head picture. I didn't do enough.
All right, you to step up, my lord. I have
brought my daughter a small take it with the king.
(08:38):
Oh good bye, goodbye, goodbye Papa. All right, sorry, I
realized there was another clause at the end of that sentence. Please,
my lord, she is kind of the explorer in the family.
If she could really help me pitch this idea would help.
I can't picture myself with out ahead. What is your
daughter's name? Her name is Gertrude. Gert's through the explorer. Well, yes,
(09:02):
your honest, I hate to interrupt that this one. You
know that we do have the shark tank ready, oh, Greg,
So we have we have three experts that you're gonna
say no, no, no, no, no no, and that the
actual tank full of sharks. Oh yeah, we will throw
the person into if they don't please you. Excellent, terrific. Okay, well,
I really hope that this pleases you. Are really it's
(09:23):
her idea and I'm back. I ran away first I
killed him, then I ran So she'd like to tell
you all about her ideas of the world. Speak girl. Okay, well, um,
could you put your hands together like like, I bet
(09:45):
I have a very different different tanks together like this,
as though you're praying, And then go ahead, and what
would you call this shape? Would you call it a
triangle perhaps? Or maybe a triangle? Yes? I like that
triangle great? And now this is exactly what the earth
(10:08):
looks like. There's triangle. It's got three sides and elliptical
in shape, gets narrow at the top. And I'd love
to see your work on that. Okay, I have a
whole giant scroll right here. Could you hold the end
of this please? Okay, It's going to take a few
hours to unroll it this long scroll. Um, but I
(10:31):
have many months spent figuring out all of the mathematical
equations to prove this your highest I'm gonna need to
break the guard soon for lunch. So every idea, how
long this was going to take mess. Sorry, what was
your name? Again? Is good? Explorer? Right? Of course I
have any idea how long? I just got guards and
(10:53):
it's a union thing. If I don't break him in.
Please don't go to the guards. You don't need to
look and see what's going on with the guards. There's
certainly a lot. Swipe this scroll from Gertrude the Explorer.
Swipe it, swipe it, take it? Do you mean no?
I mean swipe it. Swiper right, swipe. I should swipe
ship and throw them in the shark tank. Hey, how
(11:17):
is it ready for the next one? Gap? Yeah, it's
bringing the next one. Thank The world is made to
look like a lollipop? Have you ever seen a lollipop? Sire?
You like to buy a lollipop? Sire? Well, I like
to buy it. Wait a minute, would you like to
do you have a coherent proposal to explore the world?
(11:39):
Are you merely trying to sell me a lollipop? My
school is doing something for scurvy, So if you could
buy a lollipop, then I could get onto the big
explore all right where it looks like you won the
class competition. You sold the most lollipops I did, and
I didn't lose me either. You're adorable. Okay, give me
all the money, give it to me. I have scurvy.
(12:05):
You've got scurvy. Not true, I'm a liar. Take all
me money, I guess, and now get out on the
streets and you live there forever, end ever. What I've
got parents, they won't let that happen to me. You
haven't got parents. I've got a nanny. Imaginary friend is
what she is. You're so mean how you pet me?
(12:27):
You looked rather scrumptuous. You want me to be your child.
Perhaps you know I'm a pretty good hustler, teach. If
you think this is a lot of money, that's what
I got pushing lollies, Imagine what I could get pushing
other stuff. All right, go back to the king, and
I want you to sell the other stuff. I don't
have other stuff. You think about? If you got me?
(12:49):
Where is your head? Girl? Did you lose yourself and
your own thoughts? I was just remembering some stuff. Um.
So you like idea? Is sire? Yes? I like new
and original ideas. You're not feeling like you're flying. I
do like feeling like I'm flying. You like forgetting your pain. Pain.
(13:12):
You wanna be free, sire sciatica? Sir, you do have sciatica.
I do have terrible sciatica. I'll try this. It's on me. Please.
Is it an ergonomic throne. It's not an ergonomic throne.
But if you put it up your nose makes your
brain now agonominic. I'm certain we can get through this.
(13:35):
Just when the shot comes close, punch it in the nose. Okay,
I'll try to punch it in the nose. It's just
that these shots, and I know it's scary that they
make those noises, but really, you got this all right?
All right? Don't need to scream? Oh how I love
(14:03):
watching the shark tank. Your highness moist step aside a
little girl. You may have heard of me? Are you
a little boy? I'm an chant. I can't tell I
am Christopher Columbus. It seems like a bit of asshole.
Christopher Columbus. Yes, sir, you're Italian, are you not? Yes?
(14:27):
That explains the accent. I have a proposal for you.
What is it, sir? First of all, I believe that
the Earth is flat, triangle, triangle shaped like a lollipop.
(14:50):
That's right. I escaped the shark tank. Okay, Gertrude the
explorer has has somehow gotten out of the sharks. That's right.
I might be a little girl, but I have the
strength of many men. Wow. Well I never got put
in the shark. Thanks. So I think that's good for me.
So it's your choice now. I not only do I
like to rape and pillage. I think like you that
(15:12):
women should doodle themselves. Are you really watching women doing themselves?
Should close my ears for this? No, no, no, no no.
So you have the lollipop urgin kid? Are you from
the Lollipop Guild? From the loop? You have got through
(15:36):
the explorer who believe the triangle? Is that right? It's correct?
Or me your boy from Italy specifically, just have a word, yes,
if you don't mind place. Yes. Right. So this Columbus fellow,
(15:58):
he's he's got a reputation. It appeared to be brave,
very brave, very brave, loves the raping, in, the pillaging
and genocide. Apparently he's to killing many people. Is that
why they call it? Jennis? I think so it makes
sense now that you've done them path for me, sir.
But the Lollipop girl again, something about spherical sense of
(16:21):
the world is I've talked to the board and they
would like to encourage you to consider her. Oh, the board, yes,
ultimately it's their call. Well it's the church really, yes, yes,
the board of the Church. Well, I don't know. Columbus says,
(16:42):
the world is flat right where which makes sense? Right?
You go up far enough and they'll be dragon. And
the idea is that we could keep an eye on
him through some sort of device that would allow us
to see further, right, as he went out further and further.
But at some point he's going to go beyond our
vision and the world is flat. Well, they come back,
(17:04):
that's right. But if the world is the shape of
a lollipop, right, Lolli world we call it. If the
world is a Lolli world, right, eventually you would make
it around to the same point. The church has come
up with the words circumvent circumvent. Yes, they like that
very much. That sounds like a church word, Mr Columbus,
(17:26):
I again, I have a boyfriend already. Luck, luck you have.
You have a boyfriend, But what you really need is
a man friend, don't think so. I'm really back up
really in a space right now, iace space. Okay, ladies,
perhaps you've never seen a man. Call me lady. I'm
(17:48):
an urchin. Call me lady, I'm a girl. What made
you push ups? And really just interested in this name?
Have my decision. The world is in the shape here
it comes of hell. I would still like to execute
(18:14):
the surgeon. Send Columbus on the trip. Yes, it's because
he's a man. May I bring a girlfriend? I have
a boyfriend. I can come along with me if you like. Look,
shock tank, here I go. She willingly went in the
dope back in to conclude that scene. Perfect. Oh man,
(18:39):
the takeaways from that particularly one. I'm gonna stay with
me for a little while, so Historican, I really thanks
for helping us, Greig. Our second scene was emailed in
by Andy with an Eye. Andy with an Eye, who writes, hello, alcome,
I'll listen to your show on the way to work,
and you always make me laugh. When I listened to
In Flight Madness, I had to pull off the highway
(19:02):
because I couldn't see through my tears. And thank you
for those of the rest of you are listening. Please
do pull off the highway or common roads when you
can't see through your tears Andy with and I continues,
I was crying laughing. I'd like to throw out a
scene idea, A competitive and quirky bunch of cashiers at
a discount store like, Oh, let's say, marshals who have
been trying to catch a clever old woman who has
(19:23):
been shoplifting for years and never been caught. Keep doing
what you do. It's hilarious. Thank you, Andy matera Warren,
Rhode Island check out an our bar um. Excuse me, boss,
I I am not trying a brown nose, but I
feel like we're having a lot of loss of inventory
(19:46):
and some of your feeling. I'm I've got numbers that
back the fact that we're having inventory loss. But I
know why? What is it? Not? People? Not people people?
It is people that are not aliens. It's a one
person's people. Do you agree with Tim Tom that it
(20:11):
is one in fact, one person? Do you okay? And
who is this one? That crazy old bit Trixie. I
have gotten a whole piece. I've gotten a paperwork. This
folder was filled with research. Can call research. People want
to get right to the So what we think it
is is that crazy old bitch with a big old tummy,
(20:32):
because we think maybe part of that tummy ain't tummy.
You know what we think it is. It's march, it's hot,
hot merch. Agnes is her name. Let's please call her
by her name. Okay, crazy old bitch name Agnes. She's
lived her her whole life, and I don't know that
we can jump to these sort of conclusions. Well then
why don't we just let her keep stealing? If we
don't care I brought into detectives. Let's find out, gentlemen,
(20:57):
I'm happily married. All right, it's complicated, all right, you
can work with that. Now, please tell these two detectives
what it is you think is going on. You want
to go first, and you got the paper where if
you just take a look at this pie, we'd rather
you just tell us. I'll tell you. Okay. Is like
(21:19):
bitch program. Okay, that's really good. Um. Name Agnes. She
comes in every day around eleven am. Describe. She's squatty, like,
you know, kind of like purpleish hair, but she doesn't
mean for it to be purple. It's like a gray
like a tent. You know when that happens, big old glasses,
(21:41):
like big old like bull frog she's got a dog
in her bag. It's I think it's like a beige on.
It's like a what thing. I've taken a couple of pictures.
It's towards Oh. I was doing a sketch as well,
new sketch. I went to art school, didn't panic. I
(22:05):
have a picture if you want to see it's it's
just I think we've got everything we need. Okay, well,
this is from my alright, it's leman A. Here we go,
Anderson Cooper. What do you want to day? Sweetheart? You
can tell me? Oh, I love milky ways. I'm going
(22:26):
to get some head die some milky ways for you.
Of course. Hey, I need some socks, you too, get
some socks. Oh oh, you gotta stay in the bag now, sweetheart. Yeah, yeah,
you don't want to I don't want to get out
of the bag. Don't want to call. Call too much
attention to us. Okay, oh excuse me? You know my name? Um,
(22:52):
you've been coming here for a while, yes, but I
choose not to talk to you specifically. You're dodging me
in these aisles. I could get to cut in image
and why is there anything I can help you find
in the store? Did you just call me fat, you
know I did. I am not fat. I didn't. I
would never. I would never say that. Don't Tom here
(23:13):
for Tim, Tom behave yourself. It seems that the purpose
in the store, the purpose in the store. I want
to say something quickly, and that's that. I think you're
a good man. Okay, thank you. I know things are
(23:38):
kind of tough of your marriage, right. The purpose in
the store, Yeah, we don't. Do you need help with
anything anything? Why is there a candle lit in here?
Let me ask you a question, where's that music coming from?
Would you mind looking into my partner's eyes? Those are
pretty likely, that's what I keep telling him. Really like
the same, aren't they like blue and grind and blue?
(23:59):
And uh? I just want him to love himself as
much as his wife loves it. And I don't think
it's too much to ask it. Is that a thing
that's not been happening? Or like I suffer from depression?
I got a cousin that has that. It's tough sometimes anyway,
good luck. The purpose in the store. Yeah, I think
(24:20):
she's stuff in tons of stuff up her dress out
now all right, me guys, excuse me, guys. The purpose
in the story check check the sketch detect and also
made a location sketch where she currently detectors. We don't
have surveillance cameras, we can't afford them, but I'd be
happy to ask Agnes and you can interview her yourself.
You'd like to see her show and no what we'd
(24:43):
like to see her in the act of it where
we want to catch her in the act. That's right,
We're going to pretend like we are shoppers. Peeps. I
love peeps. I know you love peeps too, And okay,
all right, now move back just a little bit. I'm
gonna stick I want to stick them in my time
under my sweat part of me, ma'am, um, weird question here.
I'm shopping for my mother in law. I don't really
(25:07):
know sizes and all that kind of stuff. Did you
just call me fat part of me? Did you just
call me fat? So? No, ma'am, I was just going
to ask you about a color of a time. You
millennials really need to learn to respect your elders. I'm three,
I'm not sure that sure? Well why not? It's the
two thousand's right, Well, yeah, okay, cheez, thanks, stay in there. Anderson.
(25:30):
Take a breath. It's fine. Hey, tag me out, you
got you gotta get tagging it. Boy, what a lot
of great sales today. Huh excuse me? How you talking
to Mesa? Yes, I am. Oh my god. Your eyes
I've never seen eyes like that before. They're kind of
a blue gray. It's like a nocean. I'm swimming right now,
(25:53):
salt water. I need to find a birthday present from
my wife. I love dearly. You have a wife. That's
too bad. Anderson's flirting with you right now. She likes
to bite. I got nipped a little bit there. Anderson
(26:14):
is a girl's name. Anything you'd recommend something under for
your wife? Something? Oh? Sure, Well, I mean it totally depends.
But I enjoy rubber bands. You can use them for
a multitude of things. Hey, tim tom Uh, you seem
(26:35):
really you want to be a part of this investigation,
don't you. I mean I had a long reconnaissance and
set up. I've been studying this for a while, and
I feel like I've just forgot. We have a job
for you. Oh my god, yes, yes, yes, but it's
going to be dangerous. I'm ready for danger. This is
the most boring job in the world. I'm ready to
get out. We need you to take out the dog,
(26:59):
news apers, bananas if you want to just put some
bananas together. Um, and they're losing like an assortment of bananas.
Excuse me, Oh, I couldn't help. But notice there's no
dogs allowed this store. I don't have a dog. I
hear it crawling. This is my stomach. I'm going to
have to did you just call me fat, sir tricksie? Um,
(27:21):
I know you want to be a part of this investigation.
I'd love to, but I mean, it's no big deal.
If I can know, it's a big deal. If you
I'm trying whatever. No, we need you, thank you. This
is going to be dangerous, Okay, I need you to
take out my partner. But to dinner like to killing,
like to killing. You're on the right side of the laws.
You're like to killing. You want to kill that man?
(27:44):
You're in love with you. It's first of all, I've
never said that out loud, and it's weird to hear it. Frankly,
you're not wrong, but more importantly, I'm in love with him,
more in love with doing the right. If the lady
says you doesn't have a dog, sir, she doesn't have
a dog. I need to take that dog out of
(28:06):
her hands. I don't have This is not a dog.
Let me look at your purse, Tim Tam, Can we
not yell at the customer? I'm not killing this is
just pardon me, ma'am sir, that's right, I'm just a customer.
I'm sorry. I'm your eyes. Ah, thank you. It's like
a blue great, it's like a civil war going on
because I'm having a tough day. You are, all right,
Tim dam blues in my office? Oh my am? I
(28:27):
really in? Tim? Tim? What a name? Tim? Tom? Tim Tom? Seriously,
what the hell's going on? I'm on a secret mission
right now? The hell does that even mean? I've been
recruited by the detectives. I'm pretty much what detectives are
you talking about? What do you mean? What detectives don't know?
You didn't fall for that, did you? Wait? Wait? Wait
(28:48):
wait wait wait is important to take him out right now?
I think you should kiss him. I will once he's done. No,
just see maybe he feels the same way I don't.
I'll kiss him and then you kill him, only if
you kiss them first and really see how it makes
you feel. Okay, thank you. I mean when I look
in your eyes, I feel like I could tell you anything.
I could tell you the truth about anything. Can I
(29:14):
ask you something I said I would tell you the truth.
It's my stomach. Are you stealing from this store? Yeah?
I thought we talked these detectives in to stop the stealing. No,
they're not detectives. And what's the matter with you these
(29:34):
two fellas. They're not detectives. I introduced them as detectives.
But the truth of the matter is they're shoppers and
that's the way you need to treat them like they're
just shoppers. Now, Hey, looks like you guy, think so
handle over here. Oh wait, let me just put this
aromatherapy candle here and lot it great, like y'all love.
(30:01):
Everybody knows my name today. I'm not even wearing a
name tag or anything. You're pretty popular. Well it's because
I have purple hair. Yeah, you'll want to trust something.
It's fun to I just warmed up the pot you
could feed him. Sure, I do love fun to. Um.
I think today's a day about being honest. We understand
that you look in your eyes and I just want
(30:22):
to tell lies. I don't want to tell you one
true thing, igness we brought you in today into the office.
That is, thank you again for shopping here on a
daily basis. It means the world to us. It's like
a home for me, and we appreciate that these two
fells are informatic to St. Louis informatic town. And they're
just a couple of quick questions and then we can
just let you back on your way if that'd be okay, Okay,
(30:43):
I'm happy to answer questions. Thank you, Jim. Okay, quick question?
Do you think he has any feelings for me? Uh? No? Okay?
Do you think he would enjoy being kissed by me?
This is very strange. This is the millennial bullshit we
got going on in here. First of all, again, thank
(31:04):
you for shopping her every day. Just looking for some
straightforward answers as opposed to critiques, thank you yes or no?
This is a rich rich fund. I wouldn't know. Tray,
(31:25):
that's a choke. Kill the movie. That's a joke. Kill you.
I love you, I love you. I tell you something.
What's that? I'm not a detective, not a trade. Are
you married? No? I was never married. Are you even depressed?
(31:49):
I'm not depressed. Listen, Well, what the hell is going
on here? Tracky? Tim Tom? Does that make me? I
thought I was undercover because you told me to kill
a guy. But I didn't think I was going to
have to kill him because I thought you were going
to kill him first. What is going to tricky? I
(32:12):
know how to get us out of this. Okay, come
under my sweater and I'll smuggle you out of this
situation where I don't know where she went. She was
just right here, Agnes. Have you seen Trixy? Yes? No partner,
my nameless partner, my life partner? Goodbye? Goodbye? Can I
(32:35):
get underneath that? Can I get? I don't know what
you're talking? Please? Can I just get? I need to
look at me. I guess I need to do full
of lies and hate man. That's very that's true. That's true?
So what so? What? So? What? What? Tim Tom? I
really feel like I was about to adventure a new
(32:59):
career and now I don't even think I'm connected to
Do you have any facts you'd like to share with
Agnes now that she's here. Some pictures I've taken a few,
and they're a fan. This is I'm not a fan.
I think in all. You're busted, is what I'm trying
to say. And this is a picture of you beating you.
Do you just call me busty? That's not what I said.
I said your bust I'm gonna try while you two
(33:21):
are talking, I wouldn't eat that. Would you like to
fill out a complaint? Agnes? I would like to fill
out a complaint. First of all, I dislike his name,
Tim Tom. It is not a good name for you, sir.
I mean, that's not nothing that you can write me
up for, is it? Is? It not yet good? So
there's not really any complaints. And you're a shoplifter and
if I was store manager, I wouldn't allow you any
(33:43):
Let's take a look at these photographs that Tim Tomas gathered.
What's what's going on this first one? Can you tell us? Well? Here,
I am trying to decide between sheer or black pantyhose.
Anderson told me to go with the black ones. And
then this next photo and in this next photo, Um,
I'm looking and I'm trying to decide, you know, do
I want the large andes or the small? Andyes, small,
(34:06):
I go for small. Hey, everybody, we got someone new,
someone who's gonna live with us underneath the Agnes shirt.
Look welcome her. Oh my gosh, this is gorgeous. That's right. Wow,
Hey y'all, what are your chinchilla? And you're a candle
And I'm a man, you're a man. Yeah yeah, most
(34:28):
of us here are humans. Oh my gosh, I'm a
magazine magazine. Yeah, what's your name? What's your name? Honey?
We don't have names here. Oh so I'm not TRICKSI anymore,
not anymore, starting right now, let's just like mother. You
(34:50):
know what a fishing pole is in exactly so in
this picture, I was taking a fishing pole. I was
buying a fishing pole. Tim tom Uh say that you're
taking a fishing pole. I'm buying a fishing pole in
this picture. But the thing is is the panty host
(35:11):
the underwear those ended up in your purse. How could
you talk about my undergarments like it's a casual conversation, sir.
You made it a public conversation when you stole it.
I didn't steal. I don't steal. If I shoplift anything,
I lift other shoppers. Let's empty this purse out and
see what my Oh my god, you just broke my
(35:38):
dog's neck. I was assigned to take this dog out,
and this dog has been taken out. And it looks
like she wasn't shoplifting today, but there's pictures she was
clearly shoplifting before. Tim Tom, you're gonna need to come
with me in the office, please. I would like him arrested.
We'll do all we can, ma'am to get you a
new dog. It looks an awful lot like that one.
(35:58):
In the meantime, Tim Tom in the sorry about that. Agnes,
have a good day. Oh good, good boy girl. Anderson, Well,
I guess we pulled off another caper blue eyes. I
love you, sorry, partner, I work with Agnes and I
(36:21):
ate the nun poison fund. Did you love me? Was
that a lie? I never did. He always tells the truth.
I always tell the truth. Amasking you one less time.
Put me into your shirt. I want to. I want
to live in that mystical land of the Agnes. You
and my shirt. It's a sweater, but fine, come on
(36:42):
the least I could do. Hey, Oh my gosh, what
are you doing in here? Hey? I was just dying
and now I'm now I'm living. I'm a magazine stars.
We don't get names anymore? Oh wow, wow, the is
nice in here. Who knew Agnes had all this underneath
(37:03):
her sweater? Well, I'm gonna go on a quick fishing trip. Okay, nice,
What a weird life? This is? Huh what a weirdo.
Let's let's pick up some lollipops. Columbus days coming up? Yes,
(37:24):
thank you, dr Button fantastic. Our last scene is a
suggestion written by Virginia from Las Vegas. Hey, how chemist?
How about at a seven eleven? A new cashier has
such a charming attitude that people feel impulses to blurt
out their feelings and secret lies as they are being
wrung up. The cashier, in turn, finds out more about
(37:48):
their community than they bargained for and tries to avoid
conversations at some point, but it's too polite really to
stop them. Thanks for all the great times, Virginia from
Las Vegas. Are you in line? Are you in? Uh? Yeah?
I mean I don't want to get in front of you?
Please don't. I'm gonna rush? Yeah me too? Can I help?
(38:08):
Who's next? I'm next? Come on up? Can I get
some of those trojans Trojan condoms? Sex? You got it?
How many would you like? Just I guess if do
you have any bigger packages than that one? Just here,
like for the size of your penis or for the
amount of condoms both, it's probably gonna be lots of
(38:29):
sex with a big penis with with a big penis. Okay,
here's the best I can do for you. Thank you.
That's actually maybe something with less condoms, like maybe, Okay,
I'm looking forward to having sex this tonight. My hope
is tonight, but if it's not tonight, it's it'll be okay.
(38:50):
If it's not tonight, it is all for me. But
I've got dinner plants tonight. But if it doesn't happen,
it's going to be okay. Here's my card. But honestly, like,
I'm okay if we don't have sex tonight, and you
should be sexes and everything here Okay, it's just that
like sometimes he's not going to go out with you, dude,
(39:12):
just hurry up. I'm not trying to date her. I've
already got a date tonight and I'm probably gonna have
sex either tonight. Probably Just sorry that person is rude.
Oh it's okay, Um, so we're was I I think
we're done, have an awesome day, probably have sex. I'm
(39:34):
merely rooting for whatever's best for everyone. Thank you. Really
for me, it would be best sex. Right. You don't
need that many condoms? Dude? I probably do because once
I start having sex, they're going to be addicted to it. Um. Sorry,
what was I saying? I think we're all done, and
I think you're saying bye. Oh that's right. Yeah, so
I have plans tonight, but if it doesn't happen, it's
(39:55):
probably going to be on a second date. I'm going
to call the police. Okay, I'm leaving by yea, let
me get a pack of Winston lights please, and it's
hold on a second great picture. Yeah, my kids got
me this wallet and it's my birthday a couple of
(40:16):
weeks ago. Yeah, I don't. Is it weird that I
don't love all my kids the same? I is that normal?
Do you know? No? I'm not a parent. You're new here, right,
I am? What's your name? Delici? Okay? Delicia? H Yeah,
I've got three and uh, the little one just isn't
stacking up against the first. Well. I think that love
(40:36):
is funny and it'll evolve and it's okay, for love
to be different for different individuals. So just these cigarettes. No,
not just these cigarettes. So just give it time you're saying,
I'm saying a couple of slim gems to thank you.
I'm totally in line, okay. And as a slurping machine
working again, the slurping machine is working, all right. Can
(40:59):
I get the two labors and like a totally thing?
Oh you want me to do it for you? Yeah,
you're not a regular Okay, Well I will. Like I said,
the little one is, I've got my concerns. You know,
he's not the brightest kid, and he likes to play
with mud, and I don't understand the point of having three.
(41:20):
My wife is the one who wanted to swirl. Thank you,
thank you for that. I appreciate it. Well, once the
children are out there, people in the world and everyone's
on their own path, and I'm sure you're providing as
you can appreciate that. Are you new in town? A dude,
She's not going to go out with you. You know what, Harriet,
that's not Why do you judge everyone that's in lie
(41:42):
in front of you? Because because you're waiting really long time.
All right, I'll wrap it up, so thank you how much?
What's the what's your damage? That's Harry, by the way,
she lives four doors down from very loud, very loud,
very obnoxious family, the whole family. Pet's quite frankly, I'll
make my own judgment on Harriet. Just give me a
little heads up. Thank you again very much. You're welcome.
(42:05):
Don't drink too fast you get brain freeze. Oh oh
my god. Sorry, sorry, you have to deal with this stuff.
That's that's okay. Yeah, So, um, what are you up
to tonight? Oh? I'm working here and then you know
I'm packing. Are just standing immediately behind the woman's order? Okay?
(42:26):
Yeah yeah, So, like I have these tickets to this concert?
Heard of John Lynchon? Ever heard of John Lyncheon John Lynchon?
I haven't John Lynchon. Uh, he's a really good singer. Um,
and I would like to take you if you're interested, Harriet. Yeah,
I mean, I mean, I'm new here, but I don't
(42:46):
I don't know if I'm supposed to fraternize with customers. Sure, yeah, totally, no,
I totally get it. I just thought, you know, you
just wanted to be treated nicely for once. Yes, And
I appreciated you standing up for me when all those kids. Okay,
just spilling today. I have an idea. I'll just stand
in the corner for your shift, and anytime somebody gives
you a hard time, I'll yell at them. You know
(43:07):
that's an idea, But I'm I think you don't need to.
We have security cameras and my manager is the slushy
machine needs to be fixed. We've got a guy for that,
me too, I'm the guy. Excuse me. You guys are
in line right. I was here earlier. I just need
to really quick adjust my order. So what are you
getting here? What can I write? I'm going to get
(43:30):
some of these eminem's. Okay, are you sweating? Um? No,
I'm not sweating. Sweat um Okay, delice. I'm gonna just
be standing right over here. Let me know if you
need anything. Okay, you can go. Let's have a safe word.
Love stop, love stop. Okay, I'll see it in a minute.
(43:52):
Excuse me, d D. It's really quick. I just realized
I forgot okay, I forgot lubricant and it's probably going
to be important to have that. So if I could
just get that really quick, and there's a line the
lubricated contoms. But that's not the way the line works.
So if I like by coming back in your kind
(44:13):
of you know, upsetting the line culture, and I have
to deal with the rest of these people. I don't
want them to be mad. Doing great, Harriet, I got this.
I'll just stand over here in this corner until the
line's gone. Try lubricating your partner with words. WHOA okay? Um,
I like to make a return. Please be my first
(44:33):
return of Denny. I hope I've find to write buttons.
I'm sure you can't. I want to return these chili
cheese fritos, which I had a couple of but they
were not good. And I want to return this Mocha
Starbucks Preppucchino thing I had a couple of SIPs but
it wasn't very good. And then what else do I
have here? And then it's back of mints here? Did
you just pull those out of the trash can out front? Yes?
(44:56):
Are you okay? No? I think I can't pay you
for the trash out front, But um, I have a
snack bar in my bag if you want a protein bar.
I think I think maybe just this interaction and will
be payment enough. Oh I'm not doing great, and um
here you go. It's peanut butter. I'm not I don't.
(45:19):
I don't want to eat. I this one to see
you in touch. No no, no, no, no no. I
just meant like human interaction, human human right here, baby,
excuse me, sir, Please back away from delice. Okay, all right,
I have a slushy in my hand. I'm not afraid
to use it. I don't want any problems. I guess
I'll just walking over to the bridge. Then I was
(45:39):
having out go to the bridge, jump off the bridge, don't.
I don't want. I don't want any part of what
just happened. But maybe go call someone, you know, I
don't have anyone. You know what I'll do. I'll wait.
I'll wait over here in the corner and one of
these corners until, of course, okay, I go to this
one over here. Are you here, sir? I won't be long,
(46:01):
looks as soon as this guy's done, I'm gonna okay,
and I won't be long for this world. Really don't
think about it than you manipulative Okay, okay, I can't.
Can I finish the chips that I found in the
trash if you can eat the trash, okay, thank you.
I just want to get this Parnel clippers, great choice,
and large bag of hint of lime tostito. And this
(46:25):
fishing video fisherman. Huh no, don't just like to watch
fishing videos. Some of these novelty bumper stickers. Wow, big
spender issue of in Style, A pack of bud Light. Okay,
this afro pick. You got a party later. I'm having
(46:50):
a party and you can tell all their party year here.
Um single use Adville yeah, just the one does, just
the one? Yeah? Okay, we're at fifty four dollars an alright,
let's see. Hey, Delice, I don't mean to interrupt, but
I kind of sent some chemistry here, so I don't know. Oh,
(47:12):
I'm not sensing any chemistry here. Okay, okay, cool, I'm
not sensing any chemistry here. Just do work, all right, okay,
cool cool. I'm getting extra large outrageous okay, king size?
Are you going to get a king size outrageous? Yeah?
And uh three bags of ice okay you you just
picked that up on your wrap. Okay? Great? All right,
(47:34):
um right, do we have a number we're trying to reach.
I'm not sure you could get to eighty if you
just look at that guy. He's like he's he's he's made,
he's made good choices in his life. He's kind of
got set. That's John Lichen, the singer. Yeah, you don't
(47:56):
recognize him. I would, I guess if I listened to
his voice, But that's not he'd looks that doesn't. Let's
do not look like a famous singer to me. I mean,
he's definitely got a voice of a singer. Let's do
eighteen scratch off tickets that I was just going to suggest.
Scratch Yeah, but you know what, what if we don't
do eighteen, I give you some of the five dollar
ones in there, Okay, and it's is that Okay, that's good. Okay.
(48:20):
It doesn't have to be exactly because it has to
be over eight got it, don't understand, but got it?
Here you go, Dad, Sometimes I feel like you don't
really like me that much. What's your point? Yeah? I
guess that's the point. It just feel like, you know,
what what am I giving off? What am I? What's
what's happening that you're feeling this one? Well, like my
(48:40):
arm's broken and you said just go fix it, right
and I don't know. That just makes me feel like
maybe you don't like me that much because I'm atinely
going to be proactive in your own life. Hey, Dad,
thank you for coming to the big game today. You're
the best. I love the poster you made me. Love you,
I love you. You're my favorite darling. Way you just
(49:01):
literally said she was your faith, and I've never heard
that word from your mouth before in reference to me,
because I'm your least faith. Thank you now about that
arm sarah Um, I understand you want me out of
the house. I just don't have anywhere to go. Well,
I honestly, I am not in charge of what you
do with your life. Well, I always say that because
(49:24):
you haven't changed, and I'm going to keep saying it
until there is a change. I guess I just had
to wander the streets. I hope I don't end up
at the bridge. Oh, don't close the bridge, don't go
to the bridge, just get a chop. I'm just gonna
keep walking, and I hope I don't end up at
the bridge. Be the change that I want to see
in my house. I'm going for a walk complete. Why
(49:46):
don't you just go to the seven eleven and get
me get some get some snack food. Come back, we'll
talk toge. Don't go to the Uh sorry to interrupt you, delish,
but oh, I you're gonna go see Yeah, I got
tickets for your show. Man. Harry's going to see your
show tonight. Oh awesome. You're big Lynch fan, big fan. Yeah.
(50:08):
I have all your albums, so I've got two of them.
Oh magic yeahs um wow. I just like this is
so crazy. Like you were up here and you were, like,
you know, driving with this guy, and I was like, whoa,
there's some some something going on here. We weren't, but
you were jibing. Yeah, maybe we're I don't know. I'm
just saying I wouldn't be upset. Okay, Okay, Harriet, you
(50:30):
don't own me, Okay, John, all right, but I'll still
be over here and listen here, John, we have your
mother and father tied up in a room and we're
going to be terrible things to them unless you follow
these specific instructions. We need you to wire us two
hundred thousand dollars right now to this account. Thousand dollars. Okay,
(50:55):
that's done. Okay, I'm a wealthy recording art. Okay, just relax,
I'm gonna do the other stuff. He said yes to
quick nas. Okay, that's fine, okay, terrific. Now we also
need you to tonight at your concert. You need to
shout us out, to call us um names all right, yeah, Jake,
Jacken Giles, right like those aliases. No real name we want.
(51:20):
I'll give you a shout out. Okay. Good. And lastly, lastly, Laslie, Uh,
you should make sure that he only spends exactly eighty
dollars an you're crazy or or will kill his parents exactly.
This is good, This is okay. Let's not be crazy.
It's hard to get exactly eighty. Let's say at least eight,
at least alright, Okay, that that can be done. I
(51:43):
can't be in My name is not in the title
of the thing. Just Jake and right, Okay, you want
to shout out, alright, find Jake, Jake Giles and Samantha
and sam that's right, Um. I had a great time tonight,
thanks so much. Oh nope, let's just you know what
I do. I go on dates and afterwards afterwards we
(52:05):
hang out my apartment. What's this and I have this
box of condoms? Oh? Well, that's that's cool. That's good.
Good to see the use protection. Um well, I didn't
get any loop because I figured what I figured. I
used work, guys, any pizza. I said that I was
(52:25):
using tonight's apartment for date night. I'm using tonight's apartment live.
I live in this apartment having a date Luke, I
live in this apartment making pizza from scratch. I'm making
it from scratch. I know how to throw the dough
up in the air and make it kind of wabble
like a weird frisbee, and then catch it and then
do it again. Something smells really good. It's the pizza,
or it could be the sauce, which I'm also making.
(52:49):
Madam President, um as you know you your life is
in danger, so we are going to put you in
a damn what's it called? Who are you? Guys? Is
this realizing? You up to this? You're inder? Why are
you laughing? If I'm in danger? Why are we in
(53:10):
the safe rule? Danny? Why are we in the safe rule? President?
I'm losing it. Okay, it's been a stressful two weeks.
People are trying to kill you on the daily. We
need to send you to a small town. You need
to don a new identity. What's the thing I'm looking for?
Witness protection? Thank you? Take some vitamins. Well, don't judge me. Okay.
(53:36):
Where am I going to this small town on this map? Larkesville? Bye? Okay,
So so we're above eighty so we're good. Okay, we
should be absolutely frank, Thank you so much. You look familiar.
I have black hair, so I guess so anyway, lots
(53:58):
of people do, but probably the person thinking of that
I remind you of doesn't have black hair, so we
couldn't be the same. And I wear glasses. Look, I
just want you to know how much I appreciate your help.
You have no idea how much it helped figuring out
how to get me over eighty and purchases. Thank the scratchers. Sorry,
(54:19):
I just want to say I want I want to
tell you how much you've helped me. My time being
here meant I wasn't at the bridge, and I'm starting
to feel a little better. So thanks, You're welcome. I
just want to say thank you for not saying you
go out with me right away. Thank you for making
me work for it. We're not going to go out
here yet, Okay. But like, I just know, if I
(54:39):
stick it out like it's gonna it's a done deal.
Mr Lyncheny, are you all right, I'm okay in the
cooler right out front. Do you need this receipt? Yes, yes, receipt?
(55:00):
Here you go good. Let's ye. And you're having a
party tonight. Oh and a show, a show and a party.
Is this your green room swag? Yeah? That's right. Yeah,
we all watch a fishing video. Excuse me, deals make
a return. I did not open these condoms and I
just could use my fifteen bucks back. Oh um, I'm sorry,
(55:26):
I got the receipt. It's it's okay. I'm sorry it
didn't work out for me too. It's not a big deal.
It's probably gonna happen next week. Luke, Luke this pizza,
I've got the eperonial nibbles. We just decided that we
would do it unprotected so that can be fun and
(55:51):
then safe. Oh god, it was a lot of fun. Um. Well,
here's your money and if you need you the new
cash here, I got delivery. These are new condoms. When
they got lubricant on the inside. Are you want me
to put them? Um? I guess just back stage here Okay,
wait a second, Harriet. I don't think that that's too
(56:12):
convenient that guy would know about these condoms. I think
he's here to put Delish in danger for some reason.
Oh man, Okay, I got this. Also, I got it too,
because I don't give a shit if I lose my
life or not. We just jump off a bridge already,
Jesus Christ. Okay, you want to come out of the
truck for just for a second. I've never done an Delici.
(56:35):
I'm gonna follow you outside. Okay, Harriet, I'm here for you.
It's just a regular lubricated condom delivery, guys. Rubber was
in the inside of the condom, which means it would
just fall off. Also, how we were just talking about
that unless he had some kind of alright, this one's
going out to Jake and Jiles and also for our
(56:59):
president who has been missing for the past two weeks. Sorry,
I didn't say your name. Say I'm sorry. I didn't
say I want to make love to you with no condom.
That's his opening number. By the way, That is not
an encore. That is his first song. Oh man, how
(57:19):
do we say his name again? John? Yeah, it was
more than Jay. Oh Thank you all so very very much,
keep rotting to us at your name here at alchemy
this dot com. Want to thank our engineer the Stars,
Doug Baine, Doug Baine, Sophie Lecterman, our producer the Heart
(57:42):
Radio Network, Raphael ble Um, your name here at alchemy
this dot com. A subscribe ritter review dropping two episodes
a week. Hope you're enjoying that. Let's go around and
thank our alchemists please. Chris Alvarado, thank you, you're welcome.
Great to have you here. It's always but that's a ragling.
Thank you so very much for joining us. Thank you
(58:04):
so much for having me and uh, what have we got?
Craig Atkowski, You're welcome. Jen it's been my pleasure. And
Carla Kakowski thank me. We'll give me thanks folks again
at Joey Grey couldn't join us today and until next time.
I
Hey, listen, are just a quick word to let you
(00:01):
know that Alchemy This will be performing live on stage
at the Dynasty Typewriter Theater on May seven. Go to
Dynasty Typewriter dot com for tickets. Were performing May seven.
We'd love to have you come out and join us
right to us in fact after the show and let
us know how much you enjoyed it. See you all
May seven at Alchemy This Live at the dynast Typewriter Theater.
(00:22):
Welcome back to the episode of Alchemy This. I'm your host,
Kevin Powell. Guess that, Kevin that I'd be happy to
help you move sure, just make sure there's pits after
your scamp. But I digress. I simply couldnt be happy
to back in the studio with all of you for
another episode of Alchemy This. Let's meet our alchemists Shallow
(00:43):
we in no particular order. Please say hello to Craig
Atkowski Cocao. What was the last birthday present that surprised you? Uh?
I was my twenty one birthday. I was put in
a cart in the grocery island, wheeled around the grocery
store for a sup ice party. That's what I have here.
(01:05):
Answer goodness, I'll be a gleeful So and so it's
Vanessa raglan Venie. What season of the year would you
like to last all year fall? I'm falling for that answer. Hey, look,
it's James Heeney June Carney. What's your dessert of choice?
(01:25):
I like hot chocolate inside of a brownie. It's a
brownie like when you kind of open way to pull
that one out. By the way, we were going down
a slippery slope there. Yea, it's Lady Kakowski, Carla. What
(01:49):
would your first royal decree be? Um dogs for everyone?
And last but you will cry for me? Argentina, Argentina
if you think him least. It's Chris Alvarado, my dear Christmas.
Fill in the following. With socks like these, I can
blank never lose. Yes, that is also the correct. With
(02:13):
socks like these, I can never lose. Let's get to
our first scene. Shat we first up is from listener.
These are all of your listener emails right to us,
as always your name here at alchemy this dot com.
We'd love to hear from you, and I should alsom mention.
I hope you're enjoying the two episodes per week. Don't forget,
don't forget to check us out, um Tuesdays and Thursdays. Yeah,
(02:35):
and let us know in your emails at Alchemy at
your name here at alchemy this dot com. Holma hammahamma.
You're enjoying that. I just can't believe. As mentioned in
the past, we have a glass ceiling in this particular
studio and above us on the second floor. Producer producers
Sophie Lichtman, dog whose name is Anderson Cooper has this
(03:00):
to fall asleep. I'm gonna say arms and legs a
kimbo and and and the undercarriage is something will be
posted on on our Instagram. Oh man, perfect, appears to
be fixed. Appears to be fixed. Thank you. I don't
forget to do It's a lady dog, It's a lady dogs.
(03:21):
We're making it sound like Anderson Cooper could only be
a male. We're gonna get started seeing from a listener,
Chase Sabanski, Hello, Alchemists. I first heard of Alchemy This
through another podcast on the How Stuff Works Network and
whimsically thought I'll give it a try. I have to
say that I regret nothing. Oh, there's our best review yet.
(03:44):
I started my days early at four am, and I
need a little more than just coffee to wake me up.
So I listened to my favorite scenes from your podcast,
such as the author of How to Murder Your Husband,
stands trial and a fortune teller, to name a few.
Needless to say, it gets me into a positive of
mindset I need for my job, where we are thrilled
to provide you with that service. Chase. Uh. He goes on,
(04:06):
since I've listened to your podcast from its very first
episode of Brainstorm Different Ideas, and I thought you might like.
Here's one now, set around the year of four different
explorers compete with Christopher Columbus and meet with King or
Queen to explain what shape they think the Earth is
and explain why their trip should be funded. Thanks for
(04:26):
being yourselves, Chase Sabanski. Uh, we're reading for the next one. Yes,
being in the next Explorer please see that. Hello, your Highness,
your royal person. My name is Spencer and I come
(04:47):
from a land far far away and I yes, Sir,
I am, and as a matter of fact, I am
here to sell you not only myself but my big ideas.
Now are you ready to hear what I have to say,
well you're here, yes, sir, yes, sir, okay, imagine this,
put your hands together as if you were praying. Please
(05:08):
you dare to king. No, no, no, that wasn't my intention.
I just I'm trying to you know i'll do If
i'll do it, I'll show you. I'll show you. I'll
show you as to put my hands together to pray.
You see that it forms some kind of whatever the
chap would be, right, A steeple, A steeple, A steeple, now,
il church, this is the steeple, right, and look inside
(05:30):
and and what the people? Um. So here's what I'm
saying to you. Okay, I believe though world, the Earth
is shaped like a steeple. Should I get the next one?
Just about? Just about I understand how this works. If
(05:52):
you don't choose my idea, I am killed. Is that correct? Correct? Okay?
So just give me one more second here. So what
I need is a couple of ships to be hoisted
into the sky, because that's where I believe the earth ends.
So rather than sailing off into the sunsets to look
for new world, you're going to hoist ships that's right,
into the sky, Yes, sir, Where I will believe I
will also find new worlds. So what do you think?
(06:17):
Off with his head? Hello? Is it my turn yet? Yeah? Yeah,
step up, Hello, Edith here a woman, but a woman
of male ideas. I'm intrigued. I'd love to be an
(06:40):
explorer and would i'd like to do? I assume the
ware was made of bumps and grooves. I'd like to
go to different lands and just sort of meet the
people there and respect them and not not to hurt
them and not taking No, I'm anti pillaging, but I
(07:02):
would like to doodle them. I've become an accomplished doodler. Yes, service,
And if you'd like to look at my scratch pad,
this is what you were. And there's his head used
that looks exactly like Spencer's head. Yes, it was a
quick doud. That was very good. Papa, is it our
(07:25):
turn yet? I don't think it's our turn yet? Be patient,
will be there soon. So the world is made of
bumps and grooves, yes, yes, and I intend to over
the bumps and through the grooves and meet the different
people and respect them and not kill them and take
their land. No, what is the point of exploring you
(07:50):
you're supposed to meet new people, meet new friends. I'm
an extrovert. Although I seem like an introvert, I do
love meeting new people. Please close your eyes. I think
she's going to be I think he'll right. Could could
I commission a portrait of you me? Yes? Could you
do me? To do me? Are you able to doodle yourself?
Of course I can do a picture of your head
(08:13):
looking exactly like Spencer's head picture. I didn't do enough.
All right, you to step up, my lord. I have
brought my daughter a small take it with the king.
(08:38):
Oh good bye, goodbye, goodbye Papa. All right, sorry, I
realized there was another clause at the end of that sentence. Please,
my lord, she is kind of the explorer in the family.
If she could really help me pitch this idea would help.
I can't picture myself with out ahead. What is your
daughter's name? Her name is Gertrude. Gert's through the explorer. Well, yes,
(09:02):
your honest, I hate to interrupt that this one. You
know that we do have the shark tank ready, oh, Greg,
So we have we have three experts that you're gonna
say no, no, no, no, no no, and that the
actual tank full of sharks. Oh yeah, we will throw
the person into if they don't please you. Excellent, terrific. Okay, well,
I really hope that this pleases you. Are really it's
(09:23):
her idea and I'm back. I ran away first I
killed him, then I ran So she'd like to tell
you all about her ideas of the world. Speak girl. Okay, well, um,
could you put your hands together like like, I bet
(09:45):
I have a very different different tanks together like this,
as though you're praying, And then go ahead, and what
would you call this shape? Would you call it a
triangle perhaps? Or maybe a triangle? Yes? I like that
triangle great? And now this is exactly what the earth
(10:08):
looks like. There's triangle. It's got three sides and elliptical
in shape, gets narrow at the top. And I'd love
to see your work on that. Okay, I have a
whole giant scroll right here. Could you hold the end
of this please? Okay, It's going to take a few
hours to unroll it this long scroll. Um, but I
(10:31):
have many months spent figuring out all of the mathematical
equations to prove this your highest I'm gonna need to
break the guard soon for lunch. So every idea, how
long this was going to take mess. Sorry, what was
your name? Again? Is good? Explorer? Right? Of course I
have any idea how long? I just got guards and
(10:53):
it's a union thing. If I don't break him in.
Please don't go to the guards. You don't need to
look and see what's going on with the guards. There's
certainly a lot. Swipe this scroll from Gertrude the Explorer.
Swipe it, swipe it, take it? Do you mean no?
I mean swipe it. Swiper right, swipe. I should swipe
ship and throw them in the shark tank. Hey, how
(11:17):
is it ready for the next one? Gap? Yeah, it's
bringing the next one. Thank The world is made to
look like a lollipop? Have you ever seen a lollipop? Sire?
You like to buy a lollipop? Sire? Well, I like
to buy it. Wait a minute, would you like to
do you have a coherent proposal to explore the world?
(11:39):
Are you merely trying to sell me a lollipop? My
school is doing something for scurvy, So if you could
buy a lollipop, then I could get onto the big
explore all right where it looks like you won the
class competition. You sold the most lollipops I did, and
I didn't lose me either. You're adorable. Okay, give me
all the money, give it to me. I have scurvy.
(12:05):
You've got scurvy. Not true, I'm a liar. Take all
me money, I guess, and now get out on the
streets and you live there forever, end ever. What I've
got parents, they won't let that happen to me. You
haven't got parents. I've got a nanny. Imaginary friend is
what she is. You're so mean how you pet me?
(12:27):
You looked rather scrumptuous. You want me to be your child.
Perhaps you know I'm a pretty good hustler, teach. If
you think this is a lot of money, that's what
I got pushing lollies, Imagine what I could get pushing
other stuff. All right, go back to the king, and
I want you to sell the other stuff. I don't
have other stuff. You think about? If you got me?
(12:49):
Where is your head? Girl? Did you lose yourself and
your own thoughts? I was just remembering some stuff. Um.
So you like idea? Is sire? Yes? I like new
and original ideas. You're not feeling like you're flying. I
do like feeling like I'm flying. You like forgetting your pain. Pain.
(13:12):
You wanna be free, sire sciatica? Sir, you do have sciatica.
I do have terrible sciatica. I'll try this. It's on me. Please.
Is it an ergonomic throne. It's not an ergonomic throne.
But if you put it up your nose makes your
brain now agonominic. I'm certain we can get through this.
(13:35):
Just when the shot comes close, punch it in the nose. Okay,
I'll try to punch it in the nose. It's just
that these shots, and I know it's scary that they
make those noises, but really, you got this all right?
All right? Don't need to scream? Oh how I love
(14:03):
watching the shark tank. Your highness moist step aside a
little girl. You may have heard of me? Are you
a little boy? I'm an chant. I can't tell I
am Christopher Columbus. It seems like a bit of asshole.
Christopher Columbus. Yes, sir, you're Italian, are you not? Yes?
(14:27):
That explains the accent. I have a proposal for you.
What is it, sir? First of all, I believe that
the Earth is flat, triangle, triangle shaped like a lollipop.
(14:50):
That's right. I escaped the shark tank. Okay, Gertrude the
explorer has has somehow gotten out of the sharks. That's right.
I might be a little girl, but I have the
strength of many men. Wow. Well I never got put
in the shark. Thanks. So I think that's good for me.
So it's your choice now. I not only do I
like to rape and pillage. I think like you that
(15:12):
women should doodle themselves. Are you really watching women doing themselves?
Should close my ears for this? No, no, no, no no.
So you have the lollipop urgin kid? Are you from
the Lollipop Guild? From the loop? You have got through
(15:36):
the explorer who believe the triangle? Is that right? It's correct?
Or me your boy from Italy specifically, just have a word, yes,
if you don't mind place. Yes. Right. So this Columbus fellow,
(15:58):
he's he's got a reputation. It appeared to be brave,
very brave, very brave, loves the raping, in, the pillaging
and genocide. Apparently he's to killing many people. Is that
why they call it? Jennis? I think so it makes
sense now that you've done them path for me, sir.
But the Lollipop girl again, something about spherical sense of
(16:21):
the world is I've talked to the board and they
would like to encourage you to consider her. Oh, the board, yes,
ultimately it's their call. Well it's the church really, yes, yes,
the board of the Church. Well, I don't know. Columbus says,
(16:42):
the world is flat right where which makes sense? Right?
You go up far enough and they'll be dragon. And
the idea is that we could keep an eye on
him through some sort of device that would allow us
to see further, right, as he went out further and further.
But at some point he's going to go beyond our
vision and the world is flat. Well, they come back,
(17:04):
that's right. But if the world is the shape of
a lollipop, right, Lolli world we call it. If the
world is a Lolli world, right, eventually you would make
it around to the same point. The church has come
up with the words circumvent circumvent. Yes, they like that
very much. That sounds like a church word, Mr Columbus,
(17:26):
I again, I have a boyfriend already. Luck, luck you have.
You have a boyfriend, But what you really need is
a man friend, don't think so. I'm really back up
really in a space right now, iace space. Okay, ladies,
perhaps you've never seen a man. Call me lady. I'm
(17:48):
an urchin. Call me lady, I'm a girl. What made
you push ups? And really just interested in this name?
Have my decision. The world is in the shape here
it comes of hell. I would still like to execute
(18:14):
the surgeon. Send Columbus on the trip. Yes, it's because
he's a man. May I bring a girlfriend? I have
a boyfriend. I can come along with me if you like. Look,
shock tank, here I go. She willingly went in the
dope back in to conclude that scene. Perfect. Oh man,
(18:39):
the takeaways from that particularly one. I'm gonna stay with
me for a little while, so Historican, I really thanks
for helping us, Greig. Our second scene was emailed in
by Andy with an Eye. Andy with an Eye, who writes, hello, alcome,
I'll listen to your show on the way to work,
and you always make me laugh. When I listened to
In Flight Madness, I had to pull off the highway
(19:02):
because I couldn't see through my tears. And thank you
for those of the rest of you are listening. Please
do pull off the highway or common roads when you
can't see through your tears Andy with and I continues,
I was crying laughing. I'd like to throw out a
scene idea, A competitive and quirky bunch of cashiers at
a discount store like, Oh, let's say, marshals who have
been trying to catch a clever old woman who has
(19:23):
been shoplifting for years and never been caught. Keep doing
what you do. It's hilarious. Thank you, Andy matera Warren,
Rhode Island check out an our bar um. Excuse me, boss,
I I am not trying a brown nose, but I
feel like we're having a lot of loss of inventory
(19:46):
and some of your feeling. I'm I've got numbers that
back the fact that we're having inventory loss. But I
know why? What is it? Not? People? Not people people?
It is people that are not aliens. It's a one
person's people. Do you agree with Tim Tom that it
(20:11):
is one in fact, one person? Do you okay? And
who is this one? That crazy old bit Trixie. I
have gotten a whole piece. I've gotten a paperwork. This
folder was filled with research. Can call research. People want
to get right to the So what we think it
is is that crazy old bitch with a big old tummy,
(20:32):
because we think maybe part of that tummy ain't tummy.
You know what we think it is. It's march, it's hot,
hot merch. Agnes is her name. Let's please call her
by her name. Okay, crazy old bitch name Agnes. She's
lived her her whole life, and I don't know that
we can jump to these sort of conclusions. Well then
why don't we just let her keep stealing? If we
don't care I brought into detectives. Let's find out, gentlemen,
(20:57):
I'm happily married. All right, it's complicated, all right, you
can work with that. Now, please tell these two detectives
what it is you think is going on. You want
to go first, and you got the paper where if
you just take a look at this pie, we'd rather
you just tell us. I'll tell you. Okay. Is like
(21:19):
bitch program. Okay, that's really good. Um. Name Agnes. She
comes in every day around eleven am. Describe. She's squatty, like,
you know, kind of like purpleish hair, but she doesn't
mean for it to be purple. It's like a gray
like a tent. You know when that happens, big old glasses,
(21:41):
like big old like bull frog she's got a dog
in her bag. It's I think it's like a beige on.
It's like a what thing. I've taken a couple of pictures.
It's towards Oh. I was doing a sketch as well,
new sketch. I went to art school, didn't panic. I
(22:05):
have a picture if you want to see it's it's
just I think we've got everything we need. Okay, well,
this is from my alright, it's leman A. Here we go,
Anderson Cooper. What do you want to day? Sweetheart? You
can tell me? Oh, I love milky ways. I'm going
(22:26):
to get some head die some milky ways for you.
Of course. Hey, I need some socks, you too, get
some socks. Oh oh, you gotta stay in the bag now, sweetheart. Yeah, yeah,
you don't want to I don't want to get out
of the bag. Don't want to call. Call too much
attention to us. Okay, oh excuse me? You know my name? Um,
(22:52):
you've been coming here for a while, yes, but I
choose not to talk to you specifically. You're dodging me
in these aisles. I could get to cut in image
and why is there anything I can help you find
in the store? Did you just call me fat, you
know I did. I am not fat. I didn't. I
would never. I would never say that. Don't Tom here
(23:13):
for Tim, Tom behave yourself. It seems that the purpose
in the store, the purpose in the store. I want
to say something quickly, and that's that. I think you're
a good man. Okay, thank you. I know things are
(23:38):
kind of tough of your marriage, right. The purpose in
the store, Yeah, we don't. Do you need help with
anything anything? Why is there a candle lit in here?
Let me ask you a question, where's that music coming from?
Would you mind looking into my partner's eyes? Those are
pretty likely, that's what I keep telling him. Really like
the same, aren't they like blue and grind and blue?
(23:59):
And uh? I just want him to love himself as
much as his wife loves it. And I don't think
it's too much to ask it. Is that a thing
that's not been happening? Or like I suffer from depression?
I got a cousin that has that. It's tough sometimes anyway,
good luck. The purpose in the store. Yeah, I think
(24:20):
she's stuff in tons of stuff up her dress out
now all right, me guys, excuse me, guys. The purpose
in the story check check the sketch detect and also
made a location sketch where she currently detectors. We don't
have surveillance cameras, we can't afford them, but I'd be
happy to ask Agnes and you can interview her yourself.
You'd like to see her show and no what we'd
(24:43):
like to see her in the act of it where
we want to catch her in the act. That's right,
We're going to pretend like we are shoppers. Peeps. I
love peeps. I know you love peeps too, And okay,
all right, now move back just a little bit. I'm
gonna stick I want to stick them in my time
under my sweat part of me, ma'am, um, weird question here.
I'm shopping for my mother in law. I don't really
(25:07):
know sizes and all that kind of stuff. Did you
just call me fat part of me? Did you just
call me fat? So? No, ma'am, I was just going
to ask you about a color of a time. You
millennials really need to learn to respect your elders. I'm three,
I'm not sure that sure? Well why not? It's the
two thousand's right, Well, yeah, okay, cheez, thanks, stay in there. Anderson.
(25:30):
Take a breath. It's fine. Hey, tag me out, you
got you gotta get tagging it. Boy, what a lot
of great sales today. Huh excuse me? How you talking
to Mesa? Yes, I am. Oh my god. Your eyes
I've never seen eyes like that before. They're kind of
a blue gray. It's like a nocean. I'm swimming right now,
(25:53):
salt water. I need to find a birthday present from
my wife. I love dearly. You have a wife. That's
too bad. Anderson's flirting with you right now. She likes
to bite. I got nipped a little bit there. Anderson
(26:14):
is a girl's name. Anything you'd recommend something under for
your wife? Something? Oh? Sure, Well, I mean it totally depends.
But I enjoy rubber bands. You can use them for
a multitude of things. Hey, tim tom Uh, you seem
(26:35):
really you want to be a part of this investigation,
don't you. I mean I had a long reconnaissance and
set up. I've been studying this for a while, and
I feel like I've just forgot. We have a job
for you. Oh my god, yes, yes, yes, but it's
going to be dangerous. I'm ready for danger. This is
the most boring job in the world. I'm ready to
get out. We need you to take out the dog,
(26:59):
news apers, bananas if you want to just put some
bananas together. Um, and they're losing like an assortment of bananas.
Excuse me, Oh, I couldn't help. But notice there's no
dogs allowed this store. I don't have a dog. I
hear it crawling. This is my stomach. I'm going to
have to did you just call me fat, sir tricksie? Um,
(27:21):
I know you want to be a part of this investigation.
I'd love to, but I mean, it's no big deal.
If I can know, it's a big deal. If you
I'm trying whatever. No, we need you, thank you. This
is going to be dangerous, Okay, I need you to
take out my partner. But to dinner like to killing,
like to killing. You're on the right side of the laws.
You're like to killing. You want to kill that man?
(27:44):
You're in love with you. It's first of all, I've
never said that out loud, and it's weird to hear it. Frankly,
you're not wrong, but more importantly, I'm in love with him,
more in love with doing the right. If the lady
says you doesn't have a dog, sir, she doesn't have
a dog. I need to take that dog out of
(28:06):
her hands. I don't have This is not a dog.
Let me look at your purse, Tim Tam, Can we
not yell at the customer? I'm not killing this is
just pardon me, ma'am sir, that's right, I'm just a customer.
I'm sorry. I'm your eyes. Ah, thank you. It's like
a blue great, it's like a civil war going on
because I'm having a tough day. You are, all right,
Tim dam blues in my office? Oh my am? I
(28:27):
really in? Tim? Tim? What a name? Tim? Tom? Tim Tom? Seriously,
what the hell's going on? I'm on a secret mission
right now? The hell does that even mean? I've been
recruited by the detectives. I'm pretty much what detectives are
you talking about? What do you mean? What detectives don't know?
You didn't fall for that, did you? Wait? Wait? Wait
(28:48):
wait wait wait is important to take him out right now?
I think you should kiss him. I will once he's done. No,
just see maybe he feels the same way I don't.
I'll kiss him and then you kill him, only if
you kiss them first and really see how it makes
you feel. Okay, thank you. I mean when I look
in your eyes, I feel like I could tell you anything.
I could tell you the truth about anything. Can I
(29:14):
ask you something I said I would tell you the truth.
It's my stomach. Are you stealing from this store? Yeah?
I thought we talked these detectives in to stop the stealing. No,
they're not detectives. And what's the matter with you these
(29:34):
two fellas. They're not detectives. I introduced them as detectives.
But the truth of the matter is they're shoppers and
that's the way you need to treat them like they're
just shoppers. Now, Hey, looks like you guy, think so
handle over here. Oh wait, let me just put this
aromatherapy candle here and lot it great, like y'all love.
(30:01):
Everybody knows my name today. I'm not even wearing a
name tag or anything. You're pretty popular. Well it's because
I have purple hair. Yeah, you'll want to trust something.
It's fun to I just warmed up the pot you
could feed him. Sure, I do love fun to. Um.
I think today's a day about being honest. We understand
that you look in your eyes and I just want
(30:22):
to tell lies. I don't want to tell you one
true thing, igness we brought you in today into the office.
That is, thank you again for shopping here on a
daily basis. It means the world to us. It's like
a home for me, and we appreciate that these two
fells are informatic to St. Louis informatic town. And they're
just a couple of quick questions and then we can
just let you back on your way if that'd be okay, Okay,
(30:43):
I'm happy to answer questions. Thank you, Jim. Okay, quick question?
Do you think he has any feelings for me? Uh? No? Okay?
Do you think he would enjoy being kissed by me?
This is very strange. This is the millennial bullshit we
got going on in here. First of all, again, thank
(31:04):
you for shopping her every day. Just looking for some
straightforward answers as opposed to critiques, thank you yes or no?
This is a rich rich fund. I wouldn't know. Tray,
(31:25):
that's a choke. Kill the movie. That's a joke. Kill you.
I love you, I love you. I tell you something.
What's that? I'm not a detective, not a trade. Are
you married? No? I was never married. Are you even depressed?
(31:49):
I'm not depressed. Listen, Well, what the hell is going
on here? Tracky? Tim Tom? Does that make me? I
thought I was undercover because you told me to kill
a guy. But I didn't think I was going to
have to kill him because I thought you were going
to kill him first. What is going to tricky? I
(32:12):
know how to get us out of this. Okay, come
under my sweater and I'll smuggle you out of this
situation where I don't know where she went. She was
just right here, Agnes. Have you seen Trixy? Yes? No partner,
my nameless partner, my life partner? Goodbye? Goodbye? Can I
(32:35):
get underneath that? Can I get? I don't know what
you're talking? Please? Can I just get? I need to
look at me. I guess I need to do full
of lies and hate man. That's very that's true. That's true?
So what so? What? So? What? What? Tim Tom? I
really feel like I was about to adventure a new
(32:59):
career and now I don't even think I'm connected to
Do you have any facts you'd like to share with
Agnes now that she's here. Some pictures I've taken a few,
and they're a fan. This is I'm not a fan.
I think in all. You're busted, is what I'm trying
to say. And this is a picture of you beating you.
Do you just call me busty? That's not what I said.
I said your bust I'm gonna try while you two
(33:21):
are talking, I wouldn't eat that. Would you like to
fill out a complaint? Agnes? I would like to fill
out a complaint. First of all, I dislike his name,
Tim Tom. It is not a good name for you, sir.
I mean, that's not nothing that you can write me
up for, is it? Is? It not yet good? So
there's not really any complaints. And you're a shoplifter and
if I was store manager, I wouldn't allow you any
(33:43):
Let's take a look at these photographs that Tim Tomas gathered.
What's what's going on this first one? Can you tell us? Well? Here,
I am trying to decide between sheer or black pantyhose.
Anderson told me to go with the black ones. And
then this next photo and in this next photo, Um,
I'm looking and I'm trying to decide, you know, do
I want the large andes or the small? Andyes, small,
(34:06):
I go for small. Hey, everybody, we got someone new,
someone who's gonna live with us underneath the Agnes shirt.
Look welcome her. Oh my gosh, this is gorgeous. That's right. Wow,
Hey y'all, what are your chinchilla? And you're a candle
And I'm a man, you're a man. Yeah yeah, most
(34:28):
of us here are humans. Oh my gosh, I'm a
magazine magazine. Yeah, what's your name? What's your name? Honey?
We don't have names here. Oh so I'm not TRICKSI anymore,
not anymore, starting right now, let's just like mother. You
(34:50):
know what a fishing pole is in exactly so in
this picture, I was taking a fishing pole. I was
buying a fishing pole. Tim tom Uh say that you're
taking a fishing pole. I'm buying a fishing pole in
this picture. But the thing is is the panty host
(35:11):
the underwear those ended up in your purse. How could
you talk about my undergarments like it's a casual conversation, sir.
You made it a public conversation when you stole it.
I didn't steal. I don't steal. If I shoplift anything,
I lift other shoppers. Let's empty this purse out and
see what my Oh my god, you just broke my
(35:38):
dog's neck. I was assigned to take this dog out,
and this dog has been taken out. And it looks
like she wasn't shoplifting today, but there's pictures she was
clearly shoplifting before. Tim Tom, you're gonna need to come
with me in the office, please. I would like him arrested.
We'll do all we can, ma'am to get you a
new dog. It looks an awful lot like that one.
(35:58):
In the meantime, Tim Tom in the sorry about that. Agnes,
have a good day. Oh good, good boy girl. Anderson, Well,
I guess we pulled off another caper blue eyes. I
love you, sorry, partner, I work with Agnes and I
(36:21):
ate the nun poison fund. Did you love me? Was
that a lie? I never did. He always tells the truth.
I always tell the truth. Amasking you one less time.
Put me into your shirt. I want to. I want
to live in that mystical land of the Agnes. You
and my shirt. It's a sweater, but fine, come on
(36:42):
the least I could do. Hey, Oh my gosh, what
are you doing in here? Hey? I was just dying
and now I'm now I'm living. I'm a magazine stars.
We don't get names anymore? Oh wow, wow, the is
nice in here. Who knew Agnes had all this underneath
(37:03):
her sweater? Well, I'm gonna go on a quick fishing trip. Okay, nice,
What a weird life? This is? Huh what a weirdo.
Let's let's pick up some lollipops. Columbus days coming up? Yes,
(37:24):
thank you, dr Button fantastic. Our last scene is a
suggestion written by Virginia from Las Vegas. Hey, how chemist?
How about at a seven eleven? A new cashier has
such a charming attitude that people feel impulses to blurt
out their feelings and secret lies as they are being
wrung up. The cashier, in turn, finds out more about
(37:48):
their community than they bargained for and tries to avoid
conversations at some point, but it's too polite really to
stop them. Thanks for all the great times, Virginia from
Las Vegas. Are you in line? Are you in? Uh? Yeah?
I mean I don't want to get in front of you?
Please don't. I'm gonna rush? Yeah me too? Can I help?
(38:08):
Who's next? I'm next? Come on up? Can I get
some of those trojans Trojan condoms? Sex? You got it?
How many would you like? Just I guess if do
you have any bigger packages than that one? Just here,
like for the size of your penis or for the
amount of condoms both, it's probably gonna be lots of
(38:29):
sex with a big penis with with a big penis. Okay,
here's the best I can do for you. Thank you.
That's actually maybe something with less condoms, like maybe, Okay,
I'm looking forward to having sex this tonight. My hope
is tonight, but if it's not tonight, it's it'll be okay.
(38:50):
If it's not tonight, it is all for me. But
I've got dinner plants tonight. But if it doesn't happen,
it's going to be okay. Here's my card. But honestly, like,
I'm okay if we don't have sex tonight, and you
should be sexes and everything here Okay, it's just that
like sometimes he's not going to go out with you, dude,
(39:12):
just hurry up. I'm not trying to date her. I've
already got a date tonight and I'm probably gonna have
sex either tonight. Probably Just sorry that person is rude.
Oh it's okay, Um, so we're was I I think
we're done, have an awesome day, probably have sex. I'm
(39:34):
merely rooting for whatever's best for everyone. Thank you. Really
for me, it would be best sex. Right. You don't
need that many condoms? Dude? I probably do because once
I start having sex, they're going to be addicted to it. Um. Sorry,
what was I saying? I think we're all done, and
I think you're saying bye. Oh that's right. Yeah, so
I have plans tonight, but if it doesn't happen, it's
(39:55):
probably going to be on a second date. I'm going
to call the police. Okay, I'm leaving by yea, let
me get a pack of Winston lights please, and it's
hold on a second great picture. Yeah, my kids got
me this wallet and it's my birthday a couple of
(40:16):
weeks ago. Yeah, I don't. Is it weird that I
don't love all my kids the same? I is that normal?
Do you know? No? I'm not a parent. You're new here, right,
I am? What's your name? Delici? Okay? Delicia? H Yeah,
I've got three and uh, the little one just isn't
stacking up against the first. Well. I think that love
(40:36):
is funny and it'll evolve and it's okay, for love
to be different for different individuals. So just these cigarettes. No,
not just these cigarettes. So just give it time you're saying,
I'm saying a couple of slim gems to thank you.
I'm totally in line, okay. And as a slurping machine
working again, the slurping machine is working, all right. Can
(40:59):
I get the two labors and like a totally thing?
Oh you want me to do it for you? Yeah,
you're not a regular Okay, Well I will. Like I said,
the little one is, I've got my concerns. You know,
he's not the brightest kid, and he likes to play
with mud, and I don't understand the point of having three.
(41:20):
My wife is the one who wanted to swirl. Thank you,
thank you for that. I appreciate it. Well, once the
children are out there, people in the world and everyone's
on their own path, and I'm sure you're providing as
you can appreciate that. Are you new in town? A dude,
She's not going to go out with you. You know what, Harriet,
that's not Why do you judge everyone that's in lie
(41:42):
in front of you? Because because you're waiting really long time.
All right, I'll wrap it up, so thank you how much?
What's the what's your damage? That's Harry, by the way,
she lives four doors down from very loud, very loud,
very obnoxious family, the whole family. Pet's quite frankly, I'll
make my own judgment on Harriet. Just give me a
little heads up. Thank you again very much. You're welcome.
(42:05):
Don't drink too fast you get brain freeze. Oh oh
my god. Sorry, sorry, you have to deal with this stuff.
That's that's okay. Yeah, So, um, what are you up
to tonight? Oh? I'm working here and then you know
I'm packing. Are just standing immediately behind the woman's order? Okay?
(42:26):
Yeah yeah, So, like I have these tickets to this concert?
Heard of John Lynchon? Ever heard of John Lyncheon John Lynchon?
I haven't John Lynchon. Uh, he's a really good singer. Um,
and I would like to take you if you're interested, Harriet. Yeah,
I mean, I mean, I'm new here, but I don't
(42:46):
I don't know if I'm supposed to fraternize with customers. Sure, yeah, totally, no,
I totally get it. I just thought, you know, you
just wanted to be treated nicely for once. Yes, And
I appreciated you standing up for me when all those kids. Okay,
just spilling today. I have an idea. I'll just stand
in the corner for your shift, and anytime somebody gives
you a hard time, I'll yell at them. You know
(43:07):
that's an idea, But I'm I think you don't need to.
We have security cameras and my manager is the slushy
machine needs to be fixed. We've got a guy for that,
me too, I'm the guy. Excuse me. You guys are
in line right. I was here earlier. I just need
to really quick adjust my order. So what are you
getting here? What can I write? I'm going to get
(43:30):
some of these eminem's. Okay, are you sweating? Um? No,
I'm not sweating. Sweat um Okay, delice. I'm gonna just
be standing right over here. Let me know if you
need anything. Okay, you can go. Let's have a safe word.
Love stop, love stop. Okay, I'll see it in a minute.
(43:52):
Excuse me, d D. It's really quick. I just realized
I forgot okay, I forgot lubricant and it's probably going
to be important to have that. So if I could
just get that really quick, and there's a line the
lubricated contoms. But that's not the way the line works.
So if I like by coming back in your kind
(44:13):
of you know, upsetting the line culture, and I have
to deal with the rest of these people. I don't
want them to be mad. Doing great, Harriet, I got this.
I'll just stand over here in this corner until the
line's gone. Try lubricating your partner with words. WHOA okay? Um,
I like to make a return. Please be my first
(44:33):
return of Denny. I hope I've find to write buttons.
I'm sure you can't. I want to return these chili
cheese fritos, which I had a couple of but they
were not good. And I want to return this Mocha
Starbucks Preppucchino thing I had a couple of SIPs but
it wasn't very good. And then what else do I
have here? And then it's back of mints here? Did
you just pull those out of the trash can out front? Yes?
(44:56):
Are you okay? No? I think I can't pay you
for the trash out front, But um, I have a
snack bar in my bag if you want a protein bar.
I think I think maybe just this interaction and will
be payment enough. Oh I'm not doing great, and um
here you go. It's peanut butter. I'm not I don't.
(45:19):
I don't want to eat. I this one to see
you in touch. No no, no, no, no no. I
just meant like human interaction, human human right here, baby,
excuse me, sir, Please back away from delice. Okay, all right,
I have a slushy in my hand. I'm not afraid
to use it. I don't want any problems. I guess
I'll just walking over to the bridge. Then I was
(45:39):
having out go to the bridge, jump off the bridge, don't.
I don't want. I don't want any part of what
just happened. But maybe go call someone, you know, I
don't have anyone. You know what I'll do. I'll wait.
I'll wait over here in the corner and one of
these corners until, of course, okay, I go to this
one over here. Are you here, sir? I won't be long,
(46:01):
looks as soon as this guy's done, I'm gonna okay,
and I won't be long for this world. Really don't
think about it than you manipulative Okay, okay, I can't.
Can I finish the chips that I found in the
trash if you can eat the trash, okay, thank you.
I just want to get this Parnel clippers, great choice,
and large bag of hint of lime tostito. And this
(46:25):
fishing video fisherman. Huh no, don't just like to watch
fishing videos. Some of these novelty bumper stickers. Wow, big
spender issue of in Style, A pack of bud Light. Okay,
this afro pick. You got a party later. I'm having
(46:50):
a party and you can tell all their party year here.
Um single use Adville yeah, just the one does, just
the one? Yeah? Okay, we're at fifty four dollars an alright,
let's see. Hey, Delice, I don't mean to interrupt, but
I kind of sent some chemistry here, so I don't know. Oh,
(47:12):
I'm not sensing any chemistry here. Okay, okay, cool, I'm
not sensing any chemistry here. Just do work, all right, okay,
cool cool. I'm getting extra large outrageous okay, king size?
Are you going to get a king size outrageous? Yeah?
And uh three bags of ice okay you you just
picked that up on your wrap. Okay? Great? All right,
(47:34):
um right, do we have a number we're trying to reach.
I'm not sure you could get to eighty if you
just look at that guy. He's like he's he's he's made,
he's made good choices in his life. He's kind of
got set. That's John Lichen, the singer. Yeah, you don't
(47:56):
recognize him. I would, I guess if I listened to
his voice, But that's not he'd looks that doesn't. Let's
do not look like a famous singer to me. I mean,
he's definitely got a voice of a singer. Let's do
eighteen scratch off tickets that I was just going to suggest.
Scratch Yeah, but you know what, what if we don't
do eighteen, I give you some of the five dollar
ones in there, Okay, and it's is that Okay, that's good. Okay.
(48:20):
It doesn't have to be exactly because it has to
be over eight got it, don't understand, but got it?
Here you go, Dad, Sometimes I feel like you don't
really like me that much. What's your point? Yeah? I
guess that's the point. It just feel like, you know,
what what am I giving off? What am I? What's
what's happening that you're feeling this one? Well, like my
(48:40):
arm's broken and you said just go fix it, right
and I don't know. That just makes me feel like
maybe you don't like me that much because I'm atinely
going to be proactive in your own life. Hey, Dad,
thank you for coming to the big game today. You're
the best. I love the poster you made me. Love you,
I love you. You're my favorite darling. Way you just
(49:01):
literally said she was your faith, and I've never heard
that word from your mouth before in reference to me,
because I'm your least faith. Thank you now about that
arm sarah Um, I understand you want me out of
the house. I just don't have anywhere to go. Well,
I honestly, I am not in charge of what you
do with your life. Well, I always say that because
(49:24):
you haven't changed, and I'm going to keep saying it
until there is a change. I guess I just had
to wander the streets. I hope I don't end up
at the bridge. Oh, don't close the bridge, don't go
to the bridge, just get a chop. I'm just gonna
keep walking, and I hope I don't end up at
the bridge. Be the change that I want to see
in my house. I'm going for a walk complete. Why
(49:46):
don't you just go to the seven eleven and get
me get some get some snack food. Come back, we'll
talk toge. Don't go to the Uh sorry to interrupt you, delish,
but oh, I you're gonna go see Yeah, I got
tickets for your show. Man. Harry's going to see your
show tonight. Oh awesome. You're big Lynch fan, big fan. Yeah.
(50:08):
I have all your albums, so I've got two of them.
Oh magic yeahs um wow. I just like this is
so crazy. Like you were up here and you were, like,
you know, driving with this guy, and I was like, whoa,
there's some some something going on here. We weren't, but
you were jibing. Yeah, maybe we're I don't know. I'm
just saying I wouldn't be upset. Okay, Okay, Harriet, you
(50:30):
don't own me, Okay, John, all right, but I'll still
be over here and listen here, John, we have your
mother and father tied up in a room and we're
going to be terrible things to them unless you follow
these specific instructions. We need you to wire us two
hundred thousand dollars right now to this account. Thousand dollars. Okay,
(50:55):
that's done. Okay, I'm a wealthy recording art. Okay, just relax,
I'm gonna do the other stuff. He said yes to
quick nas. Okay, that's fine, okay, terrific. Now we also
need you to tonight at your concert. You need to
shout us out, to call us um names all right, yeah, Jake,
Jacken Giles, right like those aliases. No real name we want.
(51:20):
I'll give you a shout out. Okay. Good. And lastly, lastly, Laslie, Uh,
you should make sure that he only spends exactly eighty
dollars an you're crazy or or will kill his parents exactly.
This is good, This is okay. Let's not be crazy.
It's hard to get exactly eighty. Let's say at least eight,
at least alright, Okay, that that can be done. I
(51:43):
can't be in My name is not in the title
of the thing. Just Jake and right, Okay, you want
to shout out, alright, find Jake, Jake Giles and Samantha
and sam that's right, Um. I had a great time tonight,
thanks so much. Oh nope, let's just you know what
I do. I go on dates and afterwards afterwards we
(52:05):
hang out my apartment. What's this and I have this
box of condoms? Oh? Well, that's that's cool. That's good.
Good to see the use protection. Um well, I didn't
get any loop because I figured what I figured. I
used work, guys, any pizza. I said that I was
(52:25):
using tonight's apartment for date night. I'm using tonight's apartment live.
I live in this apartment having a date Luke, I
live in this apartment making pizza from scratch. I'm making
it from scratch. I know how to throw the dough
up in the air and make it kind of wabble
like a weird frisbee, and then catch it and then
do it again. Something smells really good. It's the pizza,
or it could be the sauce, which I'm also making.
(52:49):
Madam President, um as you know you your life is
in danger, so we are going to put you in
a damn what's it called? Who are you? Guys? Is
this realizing? You up to this? You're inder? Why are
you laughing? If I'm in danger? Why are we in
(53:10):
the safe rule? Danny? Why are we in the safe rule? President?
I'm losing it. Okay, it's been a stressful two weeks.
People are trying to kill you on the daily. We
need to send you to a small town. You need
to don a new identity. What's the thing I'm looking for?
Witness protection? Thank you? Take some vitamins. Well, don't judge me. Okay.
(53:36):
Where am I going to this small town on this map? Larkesville? Bye? Okay,
So so we're above eighty so we're good. Okay, we
should be absolutely frank, Thank you so much. You look familiar.
I have black hair, so I guess so anyway, lots
(53:58):
of people do, but probably the person thinking of that
I remind you of doesn't have black hair, so we
couldn't be the same. And I wear glasses. Look, I
just want you to know how much I appreciate your help.
You have no idea how much it helped figuring out
how to get me over eighty and purchases. Thank the scratchers. Sorry,
(54:19):
I just want to say I want I want to
tell you how much you've helped me. My time being
here meant I wasn't at the bridge, and I'm starting
to feel a little better. So thanks, You're welcome. I
just want to say thank you for not saying you
go out with me right away. Thank you for making
me work for it. We're not going to go out
here yet, Okay. But like, I just know, if I
(54:39):
stick it out like it's gonna it's a done deal.
Mr Lyncheny, are you all right, I'm okay in the
cooler right out front. Do you need this receipt? Yes, yes, receipt?
(55:00):
Here you go good. Let's ye. And you're having a
party tonight. Oh and a show, a show and a party.
Is this your green room swag? Yeah? That's right. Yeah,
we all watch a fishing video. Excuse me, deals make
a return. I did not open these condoms and I
just could use my fifteen bucks back. Oh um, I'm sorry,
(55:26):
I got the receipt. It's it's okay. I'm sorry it
didn't work out for me too. It's not a big deal.
It's probably gonna happen next week. Luke, Luke this pizza,
I've got the eperonial nibbles. We just decided that we
would do it unprotected so that can be fun and
(55:51):
then safe. Oh god, it was a lot of fun. Um. Well,
here's your money and if you need you the new
cash here, I got delivery. These are new condoms. When
they got lubricant on the inside. Are you want me
to put them? Um? I guess just back stage here Okay,
wait a second, Harriet. I don't think that that's too
(56:12):
convenient that guy would know about these condoms. I think
he's here to put Delish in danger for some reason.
Oh man, Okay, I got this. Also, I got it too,
because I don't give a shit if I lose my
life or not. We just jump off a bridge already,
Jesus Christ. Okay, you want to come out of the
truck for just for a second. I've never done an Delici.
(56:35):
I'm gonna follow you outside. Okay, Harriet, I'm here for you.
It's just a regular lubricated condom delivery, guys. Rubber was
in the inside of the condom, which means it would
just fall off. Also, how we were just talking about
that unless he had some kind of alright, this one's
going out to Jake and Jiles and also for our
(56:59):
president who has been missing for the past two weeks. Sorry,
I didn't say your name. Say I'm sorry. I didn't
say I want to make love to you with no condom.
That's his opening number. By the way, That is not
an encore. That is his first song. Oh man, how
(57:19):
do we say his name again? John? Yeah, it was
more than Jay. Oh Thank you all so very very much,
keep rotting to us at your name here at alchemy
this dot com. Want to thank our engineer the Stars,
Doug Baine, Doug Baine, Sophie Lecterman, our producer the Heart
(57:42):
Radio Network, Raphael ble Um, your name here at alchemy
this dot com. A subscribe ritter review dropping two episodes
a week. Hope you're enjoying that. Let's go around and
thank our alchemists please. Chris Alvarado, thank you, you're welcome.
Great to have you here. It's always but that's a ragling.
Thank you so very much for joining us. Thank you
(58:04):
so much for having me and uh, what have we got?
Craig Atkowski, You're welcome. Jen it's been my pleasure. And
Carla Kakowski thank me. We'll give me thanks folks again
at Joey Grey couldn't join us today and until next time.
I
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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