Extreme Scavenger Hunt In Space;

Extreme Scavenger Hunt In Space; Marching Band Suffers A Scandal; Finally A Child President.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode. Welcome this. I'm your host,
Kevin Pollock. Guess that Kevin Pollock? What's that? Yes, today,
as we're recording, this is October, which is my birthday.
Thank you all for your gifts. I especially enjoyed the
chocolate moist masal. That was very thoughtful and creative. And

(00:24):
you're welcome. Didn't actually happen, but I do have a
birthday card from all of my alchemists. It was handed
to me by Chris never right, So I'm gonna open
and it says Kevin on front, so that's yours. Yeah,
where only Chris wrote in it and signed it because
it's so funny. But you made it look like Oliver

(00:47):
wrote my name, So that's good. And the card, uh,
it says hip Hip hooray on the front, so I
think it's sincere and celebratory. And then you it says
it's her birthday today. So this chosen by Oliver as well. Yeah,
but wait, what's written in here is very very personal.

(01:09):
So I'm not going to read it now because I
Chris and I have a very special connection. I don't
think it's anybody's business. Hey, if you want to go alright, Hi, Kevin.
That's ironic that today is your birthday and you are
a gift. Thank you for being so much to so many.
Thank you for your encouragement and believe in me when

(01:30):
I didn't believe in myself. You are a rock and
you are a star. I guess that's what makes you
a rock star. Wow, I'm about a third of the
way through. Well, my paragraph is the next one. Above all,
please know that the way you live your life is
an awesome example to those of us who don't have

(01:51):
many awesome examples. Looking at you for a reason. I
love you too much. I love you, buddy car. We
agonized over the wording of that for so long, but
I'm glad that we arrived at that. I think I
munched it up. You punched it up nice. And the

(02:11):
choice of just Chris's last name as a sign, that's
all our letters in it. So that's why Hello, he
got the date right, that's the magical part. A lot
of people make that mistake. They don't put the right
dat on. Thank you, of course, thank you, And now
I'm gonna open up the other gifts from the other Alchemist.
There's a expo low odor dryer race and you're always

(02:37):
complaining about those stinky markers from Vanesse Parmesan cheese stars. Yeah,
and from it was the best because it's James's phone.
He gave me James phone back that wasn't really his gifts.
And now I have triple A. You couldn't even bring

(02:59):
a hash from It would have fed the whole table.
You know what, One of these days I'll bring in
some hash Browns. But we but we digress. Let's meet
a recommend show no particular to say. Oh, tell me
anything you remember about your senior year in high school anything.

(03:23):
I got a kidney disease and to go on steroids.
So what you're saying is the greatest senior year in
high school ever. Yeah, it was pretty cool. Had a
cool pillcase, Yeah you did. It was fun. You've bedazzled

(03:46):
your pillcase. That's a awesome. Get the door for Craig
at Kowski, k cow. What time should I get there tonight?
And do you have an attire recommendation? I think get
there around to seven, right, and uh semi formal, semi yeah,
formal top casual bottle Mike Donald Duckett, you don't know, Uh,

(04:11):
call call a priest. It's James Eeney, Jimmy Jack oh Man, turn,
can you still get me some crack because I've not
read that magazine in years? Well, no, I've used up
all my freebees on Crack on the beach. But I
could show you where you could get some crack. But

(04:33):
they know me a mile away. Okay, he's talking about
the magazine. Still said you said crack crack. If you
were talking about the magazine, you need the e D apostrophe?
Is there a positive D or just you know it's
just D and it's crack on the beach of a

(04:54):
new cocktail, no new track. Crack on the beach is uh,
it's running rampage. Actually, it's probably not a lot of
back on the beach. I'm sure they're still there. I'm sure.
I'm sure it's around. Check out I guess again. Check
out the cans on that one. He's Joey Greer. Joe
don't know when you're coming back? When the moon shines

(05:15):
twice twice, so greedy and last, but your meter forever
run out before you get back in time. If you
think at least it's Chris Alvarado, cry Kee Melky, is
it still four year old? Nephew, is it still still

(05:35):
cool if your pants and I have lunch? Yeah? Okay, yeah,
yeah yeah, have a good time. We'd like to thank
all of you to become a v i P member
of our new Patreon page. We've got uh I'm gonna
say dozens and dozens so far, so we thank you
all who have joined us. Just go to patreon dot
com slash alchemy this you're good. Special content that's not

(05:57):
available to the public at large for sample, special um
scenes that will do specifically for you are monthly meet
up that will stream live but also recorded. And you
don't have access to that. There's a telephone number, a hotline.
What that only you can well, it's not easy. We
need their help. That only you can call in and
ask any of us a personal question that we must answer.

(06:21):
That's the fun part about this hotline. Um. So, So
check out patreon dot com at a rather slash alchemy
this all of today's scene suggestions and thank you to
all the v i P members and every level damn
it all, but especially the uh scene suggestions regather from
our listeners email. If you'd like to submit yours, please
write to the podcast at your name here at alchemy

(06:43):
this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this
dot com. Now, before we get to our first scene,
here's a lovely fan email. Hi Alchemist, I've set a
picture of my workspace for which I undertake my relatively
relaxed menial admin work from UH. For a New Zealand
travel Whole Sailor, I worked from my home at the

(07:03):
end of the Earth, Dunedin, New Zealand. UH, Jamie and
I are obsessed with the show below Deck Mediterranean. There's
a few UH crew members I think once from South
Africa and they're so they're deck hands and they keep
saying decns de hints yeah, and we just can't stop

(07:24):
giggling at decans. Yeah. So I have nothing to do
with New Zealand. UM, with only my partner to hear
my laughters, I listened to your show. He also works
from home for the same company. The view from our
office isn't bad either. Thanks for the many hours of
excellent entertainment as I pot her away on the computer.
Regards Ivan Bonn, and she sent two photos which I've

(07:46):
shown the the Alchemist. Yeah. Put put the photos next
to the microphone. Maybe they'll be with Yeah. Then the
photo about your camera, James, did you not We're not
able to set it up? I mean, picture all right,

(08:10):
I'll take your picture of the picture. You couldn't just
send it to me later that I wouldn't be calling
out this moment here and now onto the scene. The
first one comes from Emily, who wrote, Dear Alchemists, I've
listened to every pod. You're also talented, and I am
so thankful for your hilarity. I don't laugh out loud often,

(08:31):
but when I do, it's thanks to alchemy this. I
was so shocked to hear my name uh and alchemy
this review read aloud at the end of the school
drop off pod. I felt dizzy snapped me right out
of my concentration at work and made me giddy. It's
surprised and delighted me so much. I wrote a high coup,

(08:53):
which I haven't done since Great School. I should write
more high coups. Yes, enjoy I just reading what she wrote,
Enjoy Alchemists. It goes thus like Kevin's calming voice sharing
my podcast review, dizzing surprise. After listening to her review
a second time, I realized remembered it was James Heeney

(09:15):
who read my review aloud, not Kevin. I can't believe
I just did that. I'm so sorry, James, since you
were so kind to share my review. This made me
laugh so hard because this is such a Heeny thing
ha ended earlier were Hiku was just sharing my podcast

(09:36):
review dizzing surprise after listening to a review I were counting.
We were worried about Italy. I'm sorry. I thought I
was dealing with perpetual My bad, but you guys can count.
But she She goes on to say that she felt

(09:56):
so bad because this was such a James Heeney moment
to have been forgotten, saying that coincides with James treatment
on the show. So for you, James Teney, Oh, can
you tell me when it starts? Yes, it starts now.
Laughter is healing, brings joy to everyone's heart. So alchemy this, Oh,

(10:21):
shut the fuck up everybody. Her suggestion extreme scavenger hunt
in space. Thanks for all the funny Emily from the
United States. That's how James Heeney introduced me h and
also snoofer for ever in Spain terminal to sector two three.

(10:49):
Al Right, so we're gonna be doing team building. I
want you guys to pay off on the scavenger hunt. Yes,
I have a question. Sure, who does the teaming? Do we?
Just I'm gonna team you up with somebody that you
don't usually I don't want to be with Levi. That's
an unfortunate thing that you let me know, because that
means you're with Levi. Yeah, Levi. Yeah, you're with Sarah. No,

(11:11):
thank you. I'm so sorry, but that means even more
so you are with Sarah. I want this to be
a team building exercise. Here's your list of things you
need to get. You're a pair an orange? How the
hellow again? In orange? In space? That's what makes it
a scavenger hunt. But you've given us impossible things. You
know what you're with? You're with Luke Luke. Somebody was

(11:33):
gonna have to be with him? Does Luca Luca? Put
pants on? Luke? You should put pants on. This is
a scavenger hunt. Get hot. I just want Darnell doesn't
have a partner. I'd rather be with Darnel. Well, I'm
sure everybody wants to be with Darnell, but human way
I would like to go. I'm gonna be Darnell's partner. Sarge. Yes,

(11:57):
did you just rig this whole thing so that you
would win because you have the road. Just random. I
was dot random. It wasn't random. We just said it wasn't.
So sorry, it was not on purpose. This was random, serge,
Yes you know what random means? Yes? Could you please
give me the definition the definition of random. First of all,
I am not a robot. I am a cyborg. What

(12:20):
is the difference? Again, I have a human body and
robot parts. Luke, you're not the same, Darnell. Could you
give me a random string of four numbers two, four,
six random that it happens to be number consecuent. I
want off this ship. We want off the ship, this

(12:44):
damn ship. You do now, but once you have a
great team membership, it's gonna be sorry. I found in
Orange great started. We ben have we begun, We've begun, Sarah.
I just want to say before we I know you
don't care for me and that hurts my feelings. Okay,
let's go, let's go. That is she going with me

(13:06):
or not? What do you mean we've already so, as
you can see, my client, the one seated to the
left there in this which one video, the one on
the far left, which my left or your left mine? Everything?
St Let me sit where you're sitting because on the
left are are the same for both of you. Because

(13:27):
of the way you're sitting. Could you could you read
that back? Please? Um? Which part my left or your left?
My left? Which left? Should I move my chair? Everything? Then?
I came in okay, if your honor, if I may,
Everything started fine on this scavenger hunt, as you see
from the video. If you'd like me to fast forward
to when they started taking each other's lives, I'd be

(13:49):
happy to. But again, my client, who's been accused of
all the murders, was simply a part of the scavenger
I didn't mean to do anything. That's all right, that's okay.
I'd like to see some of the intermediary steps that
led to them taking each other's law. A right, We
now take you to the following day. What suns like shit,

(14:11):
it's hard. It's hard to wat my booty in space?
Your booty. You're a grown man. Hey y'all doing on
my space? Calfar? WHOA sorry, sir high um. We we
want to know do you have um? Hey? Do you
have hey? Of course I got hey, but it's in space.
And space. It ain't no earth. Hey, that's great. Could
we have four pieces of space? Four pieces of space?

(14:34):
What you want? Huh sir, I'm wanting to cost you
something wagon. I thought you needed help with the high
Oh yeah, I didn't know why you can't. Thought you
came up here for some milk or something coming in high. Yes, yes,
I'm leavin. This is Sarah. We are on a space
gavenger hunt. We were paired together. If that if you

(14:56):
smell something, that's my booty daddy, I want leave us.
But a right, well, let's see if we can't get
that asked for you specifically the balloon? Tap? Wait, what's
going on? Do you want the center of the butt?
The balloon? The center? Right? I mean I'm understanding that correct.
What side are you looking at on? The center's talking

(15:16):
about your anus and what do you care? I don't
like you, but I don't want space farmers. I get you,
hay for you, but I got a little issue. Seems
like there's a serpent wolverine located somewhere east like the
Crystal Caves. I need you all to handle that. Seems

(15:37):
like it's terrorizing my cows. So if you can just
kill that form and that'll be great. Serpent wolverine. Yeah
you heard me. Look at look at the number eight,
Sarah to Okay, okay, yeah, well handle it alright, to
get the hay first. No, you get it one, it's done. Okay, Hey,
didn't want my butt. They an't gonna get that, but

(15:58):
they are. You're gonna get that button. We're laughing, we're laughing. Okay, okay,
I'm not going to do it again. But that that
was nice. I look there's a cave. Shit, I'm sorry
you were not already acquired. There's probably Darnell has killed

(16:21):
every last serpent wolfe. We don't need you didn't need
to kill them all. We needed one too. You may
not acquire one. Now. He's a little more competitive than
I thought he was. Y, it's not You will notice
that that wolve Raine has no teeth. Oh, it's just
it's just gnawing on my legs. Yeah, I wouldn't let

(16:45):
it come on your legs. Come on, Darnell. Sorry, what
what is the prize? Why are we doing this? We're
doing this because the prize is the journey? Can I quit, Sarah?
Sarah can give me one sex? Sarah? What we just
killed our now and wait, what do they say? Is

(17:08):
terminal too now arriving? Terminal threebody goes, everybody just left
the terminals are arriving. I can hear you all my comms,
but I don't know where you are. I'm still at
the station. I'm still here at the stage. And did
anybody here did you pair up the weird guy with somebody?

(17:28):
I thought I did? Everybody had a partner. Somebody's smart mouth. Okay,
councilor we can jump ahead to where they start suing
each other. That's gonna be seen one. I quite frankly,
I'm so damn happy with the judges's decision. It See

(17:56):
two comes from Julian who road Hey you guys, first
time long time like listeners. Your podcast helps me get
through the drudgery of my day jobs. So thank you all.
While I love so many bits and characters, the one
that makes me laugh the hardest is when Greer does
the ditzy girl breaking down in tears voice. So he
when screen No, that's the one he wrote, you know

(18:19):
the one. Oh and thanks for all the fart, diarrhea
and dog come jokes. You're welcome. Well that was a
high coup. Here's the same suggestion. High school marching band
becomes embroiled in a doping scandal that runs all the
way to the top. Keep up the good work, Julian. Everybody, everybody,

(18:46):
let's bringing to a stop to a star. You'll recognize
me from the nurses, the nurses out. Are you okay? Yes,
I'm okay. Are you the nurse? I'm the nurse and
and we're gonna need to have everybody give a sample
of your in it. Did you really got a nurse
school and you just ended up in a school? You

(19:07):
know they have. I have more responsibilities than a lot
of nurses out there. I have a lot of heay,
I'll give you a sample, open that mouth, give out
band aids. I'm not supposed to make judgments some people.
But the reason I'm here, you're not God? Yeah you God,
Jesus Christ, my Lord, my Savior. Three Jesus Christ, my

(19:34):
Lord and Savior. The Principal sent me down here to
get drug tests. You should be You shouldn't worship a
human being. What do you want our p for? Anyway?
The principle wants you drug tested, drug tested. But the
music that comes out of this room isn't may rator

(19:55):
has got broke because I'm on my period. Boom, Well,
I don't know if you sell that you're a nurse.
What do you mean you don't know how that works?
I've not, I've never that's not my expertise. Nurses said
the whole thing. That's how do you know all that?
He's so smart? Man, cups here on the desk, and uh,
I need them all delivered by to the end of

(20:16):
the day, exace, if you're excused because of out like
slushy what I have slushy p What does that mean?
Like a slurpie because it's frozen or because it's thick
little bit both? Okay, Well then York's, Mr Principle, I'm
so sorry the my god, the smell of urine is wafting.
He seems you have a lot of open solo cups

(20:39):
of urine around your desk. That yeah, solo cups with
a bad idea. I'm just sorry. Kicks them over alright,
Two more for you here you go, thanks elin, Mr Principal.
I just want you to know, first off of your
my king here, my god, I love you. I'll have
to die for You'll kill for you, and I Okay,

(21:00):
Rex back off a little bit. Yeah, I just want
you to know him your I'm your biggest supporter. I'm
your biggest believer, all right, and I'll do I'll do anything, okay, woman,
to squeeze that you're in out of these kids for you.
I'll do that. I'll do whatever it takes. Okay, there's
no need to squeeze the urine, Yes, sir, some of
them have slushier urines. Yes, I'll drink that up. I
don't care. Okay, you don't need to drink it up. Look,

(21:22):
I'm convinced my marching band is on performance enhancing drugs
and interesting and we want to get them one more
that of course. Look, the marching band in this school
district is the greatest doorway to glorious. That's all right, Earlene. Oh,

(21:45):
I dropped a solo cup of water. I don't know
which one, just wish? Yeah, who is it? Oh? Hey,
y'all expecting someone an older lady here buying drugs today?
I mean, how old man? I don't know. Uh, she
looks like the like the school secretary. Is that good
or bad? That's pretty good? All right? What's your name?
Le Rock? Do you know Erlein or Hell? Yet let her?

(22:09):
Is she good? All right? Put hands up, I gotta
patch you down real quick. Okay, call her me lucky. Okay, alright,
that's weird. Alright, go ahead and see rock. Oh, Rack,
you boys. I love what you did with all the
tiger stuff in here. That was my idea. I love it.
How do you do? I'm doing well? Rack? Before I
break bread on business, I usually share a mozzarella stick.

(22:33):
Here you go. Okay, thank you. You're not a cop.
You're gonna eat that? Were you like a demon shower? Hello?
Marinara Ranch, blue cheese, Ranch, take don take the ranch.
So what are you looking for? The good stuff? Rock?
You want the ship to make your music, Papa. I

(22:55):
want this ship that makes that musical, Papa. I want
I want enough for the woodwinds to get fucked up
and enough for the brass to go bit it. Okay,
give me, oh you get wreck. You got that right here?
It is. It's a small it was zipply. Yeah. But
if you put that in the water supply of whoever,
it's like a gatorade jug or something like that, you
know what, and then you let all the people drink

(23:16):
the rock. Yeah, you know what. I'm in this for
I don't give a ship oay, I just give you
about the money. I think that man that man, I'm
so fucking app right now. Man, that's why you need water.

(23:38):
Where's your geta? It's right here here, alright, alright, line up,
get there first, because I'm on my period. Lettery and
littery your blading all wow? Yeah. I was thinking at
the state at the state finals tomorrow. Yeah, isn't it
crazy that there are states like what is the speak

(24:00):
on that speak on speak on the stakes? If we
all have one God and one say, has he in
all his infinite wisdom divided us in the fifty state
Let's name just the ones that end in avow Florida, Ottaho, Minnesota, Iowa, Everybody, everybody, Virginia.

(24:25):
Stam it, stam it. We know you're on trucks the bitches.
That so good. We found out that you have been
taking performance enhancing drugs and you have twenty four hours
ticket off those drugs. If I'm a nurse, I brought
the principle in God, bless the principle. That's a right,

(24:48):
that's right, right, hi, children, principal principle here kiss you
want me to kis Okay, I'm just gonna give you
a little right are you crying? Wonderful day? Go ahead, principle. Look, kids,

(25:15):
you've got the big finals State finals tomorrow. Okay, final
state finals. There's been many preliminary state finals. Tomorrow is
the final state finals. But you can't do it on
these p e d s. The snares are gonna be
able to pay it a little faster, and the horns
are going to be able to hit lower and deeper notes.
That's great principle. If I'm a now, we all believe

(25:41):
our Lord and Savior is not you. You take that back,
and frankly, we feel saddened by these accusations in our
own You're now well, I don't know, started off with
that state discussion you had earlier and made me think
about the bigger picture here. My pupils are doing the
thing where they're eating my eyeballs. That just means you're

(26:05):
in the zone. Principal principle, With all due respect, we
will not stop doing what it is we're doing, which
is just praying. I know that you kids are not
smart or widely enough to acquire these drugs. I have
reason to believe this goes straight to the top. God, No,

(26:28):
straight to the top here at the school, I mean,
not me somewhere near the top. What who would that be?
I have no idea. Give me a name. Well, all
I want is a name Jesus Christ, not that Tommy
Florida Principal, Principle, What can we do for you? Tell

(26:52):
me who's giving you the trucks? And welcome to the
state finals finals for the States. That has been massive
lum around, going all the way to the high school
high school marching band showcase. And here it is now
we have high school high school with principal principal coming
off right now, and everyone take a seat. Al Right, guys,

(27:14):
it's our time. We could do it. We could do it.
We could do it. We could just bring it in
the katie emotions anthy, I can't perform like this. I
could perform normal. Oh shure, it's getting really heavy. Oh
I'm gonna start praying to the principle. This okay too?

(27:36):
We saw principle, who are in principle? Be that principle? Kids, kids,
it's eat some brownies, eat them fast milk. But if

(28:00):
we can hear from what sounds like the dressing room,
the bed is playing. Sadly, that doesn't count for the
actual competition. M A will be disqualified saying fucking seats. Well,
I guess we'll let you down, Principal Principle. We lost
the state final finals. No, you kids are the best

(28:22):
example of hs HS that I've ever seen. Every dount,
Yes you, what's your name? Early? We have reason to
believe that you are the one who has been giving
all these children these drugs are Principal, Principle. I love your, principal, Principle,

(28:47):
and I wanted you to be brought the glory you deserved.
So everyone too Early. It was easy. These bullets are
not real, and these children had been pretending to be shot. Today.
The guy's head is exploded, kid actor, and there was
one good bullet. All right, we caught you. You're going away?

(29:10):
Who the hell are you? Man? Oh me? You see
we were technical advisors. Holy shit, cops are you talking
to me? The two snare boys were cop cops all
the way time. That's right, I don't even have this accent.
I talked like this, whoa principal, Percipal, have a good day.

(29:41):
Medicine right away with me, principal, right away with me.
I love you too. Sorry you had to see this
in nurse But what about that kiss that I had
join us? Sean got a room for three? Correct? That's right,
just me, the principal, my secretary, and the nurse. Interesting.

(30:04):
You know there's a p B going out on CNN
and all the major news at all points advance placement biology.
I love you. That's funny. Yeah, apparently there was just
a fucking massacre in a marching band and not done
clean three twelve of you? Okayna be a room, so
he's got to do a whole clean none of that,
and there's not another room. I'm not done there. I'm

(30:28):
not done clean three. We have to wait a little
bit unless you want to help me clean tree twelve,
which we don't mind bludge. The nurse can do it.
I don't really like dealing with blood. You're not a nurse.
I swear to God you're not a nurse. No, no, no,
I'm a nurse. I just don't feel with blood or
womanly issues. What like what do you mean like like
a like a like a broken arm on a woman

(30:49):
or someone? Sure? Sure that my son and I are
going to go to three twelve now to try to
clean the place, just so you know, they might pass
out and just like sleeping there for a little bit.
So might take a little long time. And let's go
to three to Can I offer you any complimentary orange
water or maybe some cookies or something like that. Oh

(31:10):
an orange. We're looking for one of those first caamenger hunt.
No nice. Uh. There are some great restaurants around here.
There's the macaroni Grill. Uh huh, welcome to the macaroni Grill.
How many in your party to though, I'm here? Are
you three together? Yeah? Yeah, we're three of us. But
we could do a two tap and then the nurse

(31:31):
could say at the bar, all right, Steve, they're here, okay,
step Scaroni. Listen man, we need you to go out there,
and we need you to keep on falling to the
great We're gonna cookie. You're cook, You're on your cover.
We gotta get bigger. May have great fucking he can
now the time they're here, it's I'm not gonna see.

(31:54):
Can we just see some bigger macarons? You give me
a in her grill? The other gay, the last gay?
You're in too deep? Am I Story'm in deep and
not like my dick. So what do we think? A

(32:15):
grilled macaroni? All around her? I share something? What do
you think, nurse? I don't I can hear us from
over there. I'm just gonna have a drink. Okay, something
you need something? What do you want? We're going to
share a grilled macarl large grill macaroni. And that nurse,

(32:40):
that fake nurse over there, wants to drink? How on
my left, to your left, just to the one behind you.
With the nurses out there, only one at the bar. Okay,
all right, so what does she want to just to drink? Okay? Men,
look at the and how do you want that mac
on the coup the rare? What do you think? I

(33:03):
don't know. Well done, practically burnt, practical part of me
just seppy. I gotta take over all. Listen to you too.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you can
do about it, you can't. He just modulated his voice.

(33:27):
This is a new Guy's a new guy. You're both
going down. You thought you were gonna have an easy
time of it, just going out for dinner. No, I'm
not a principal. I outrank you, all right, but we're
on the same team. I've just changed my voice? Who

(33:48):
United States President Assistance? Early? Is that even your real name?
Not close? Where's that nurse? Early? Anna? Oh? I gotta
go you. That's who we've been after this whole time.
That's a cute little gun. Okay, we gotta we gotta
operate on this nurse. Okay. We're all doctors here. Yeah, okay,

(34:13):
it doesn't matter. One of my things I don't do
right right right world doctors things we do and we don't.
And the one thing I do not do, I just
I just don't do surgery. Sorry, I know we have
I can talk through it. I just don't. I do surgery,
but I don't do nurses. Okayology, you give me that.
Put your face in the thing I can't I can't reach. Okay, here,

(34:39):
come back, come three hundred. We lost our holy ship
having an angel next lunch brunch, that's into before we

(35:09):
get to our final scene. Here's an email I wanted
to read. It's from a new patron, Alcolmaniac, the top
tier twenty dollar supporter. Hi there, I'm a big fan
of the show, and I just became a Patreon supporter
because that was the least I could do for all
the funny you guys provide. Anyways, I had a quick question,
is there anywhere specific that I can go to leave

(35:32):
the show a review? I listened to the show on Spotify.
I don't use a iPhone, which as far as I
can tell, doesn't have a review section for podcasts. I
also went to iHeart radio dot com and had no
luck in finding where to review there. I just love
the show and want to give you, guys so you
have a massive following that you all deserve. I will

(35:53):
shout my review from a Semitall hill. That's my favorite part.
If I have to, please let me know where I
can go to write a review immediately, because the guilt
that James Knee has given me has almost become unbearable.
Thanks for everything, Kevin Pray do so if he's on Spotify,
what would you suggest? Well, I don't like I've been
put a little on the spot Because I read the

(36:15):
reviews that are aggregated. I believe most of them come
from Apple iTunes. I don't know for sure. I think
you can review through Stitcher. I think you can review
through munch, but the ones that seem to affect us
the most are the ones from Apple like it or not,
but you could do that from us. Like it or not.
I don't like Apple. I'm so sorry, but that is

(36:38):
right to us. Again at your name here at Alchemy
this dot com review the show, and then James will
post it in your name on iTunes if you if
you're on you don't think, if you're on Spotify, if
you the little heart liking that, and then just also
the streams just put it on in the background. That helps.
That's like a big Spotify thing for us. But also
I think you can sign it on any computer into iTunes.

(36:58):
I don't think couple library, Yeah, public library, go for it. Well,
we've given whatever were capable of. Craig, did you have
a last one? A little follow up? No, I'm good, Okay?
Do you have actual advice that our final scene is
from Jet who wrote Dear Alchemists. Every morning I listened

(37:20):
to you on my walk to and from school. I
often have to stop myself from laughing like a maniac
has to avoid seeming mad while listening to you. Guys,
all of your voices have unique characters in my head,
except James, whose character always looks like James. My scene
suggestion a child is elected president and establishes his new

(37:46):
government of Kids. Sincerely, Jet G from Australia. I don't
give a god. It's a fucking kid. I'm not going
to pass this. You are, he is the president. It's
it's jewel. Respect your president. This is a chocolate milk
bill and he thinks this is very important. He wants
to turn all the reservoirs in the chocolate milk pools

(38:08):
even possible. That's not even possible to do here. He
comes here, he comes shit attention. How are we coming
on the chocolate milk bill? Um? We're working very focused group.
They do you want me goldfish? Yeah? You, Mr President?
If the pretzels? Mr President? Mr President, can you give

(38:35):
us a minute? Can you back off while I'm talking
to my first mother? Yes, first mother doing my other purse.
I'll go back to your other purse. I will now.
Oh my god. Okay, okay, here's your problem now, Mr President.
Kid President, kid, I'm not a Mr Kid President. The

(38:55):
chocolate milk reservoir resolution is not going to work. Okay, President.
We have bigger problems in Syria than this chocolate mc reservoir.
Can we talk about Syria for a moment. Place, let's
table Syria, and I want to get back to this
chalcol about you said table correctly, a kid president. That's good. Okay,
don't patronize me. Okay, all right, you're ready for people

(39:16):
to stop patronizing your kid president. Chocolate milk reservoir is
not a possible thing. You're wasting your time, You're wasting
your money. You're his money, disgrace. I promised my constituents
a chocolate milk reservoir. Okay, he has Let's find a
way to make it happen. Yes, yes, sir, I'm turning
in this meeting. But the kid president needs a nap.

(39:40):
Three of the kid president needs a nap. I am
a little cranky. Okay, okay, are you angry or cranky?
I know if I'm hangry, I'll tell you what I'm angry.
Mr President? Would you like to jump on my back
or get on my shoulder? Jump on your back before
you leave? A kid president? It says here next in
the agenda, you want to fire a lot of us
and bring in your friends and pals. Yeah. Sorry, I

(40:04):
had to find out this with through a memo. Your fire,
your fire, your fire in the bowling alley? Who what
is I'm no secretary of steak. That's at least my
understanding it. Jimbo, I mean, kid president, what's going on?
How's that milk bill coming? When do we get our
chalk milk? When do we get our chalk milk? When

(40:26):
we get this is what's insane your face. The government
was so crumbled and woken and busted that we found
a loo bole and the kids we joined the government.
And that's on you in your generation and the boomers too.
So there's a statute in the constitution. You have to
be at least thirty statute. There was invisible ink. If

(40:47):
you weird, call some we don't have to rehash the Unfortunately,
the founding kid founders, the founding kid fathers, that's right,
put invisible in the constitution and we found it stupid
George Washington's son, no kid person. I understand that the

(41:07):
duscia that you've been given us highly sensitive. Now we
have our Navy seals and Delta Force on the ground
right now, you want to switch them out for for
kids seals? Sea? Yeah, I want baby seals, okay because
they're cute. Yes, we're gonna fight this war with baby seals. Yes, kids,
Presidents just that they have been active for at least

(41:29):
twenty years in war zones. I mean they've been working
for the company for a long I don't want berry.
I want plane go gurt. Okay, Malcolm, I will try
to find a plane gogurt. Kay. President, thank you for
seeing me. I just wanted to go over this um

(41:50):
eco friendly. Do you know what you're talking about. It's
just we don't think it's smartd to raise a giant
umbrella over the entire earth to block the sun's race. Okay,
but who's doing something about climate change? That's what I
was trying to say the president is you are, Okay,
so I guess another thing. Just give me. Don't know
what it was trying nothing, and so now we're doing

(42:11):
stuff and you're gonna complain it's just a giant umbrellas.
Doesn't seem like it's going to help. What does seem
like it's going to help? Don't ask me. I didn't
even know what the word was. We're closing down a
lot of actually this week. Also that's a great step.
We're going to make them all bouncy houses. Yeah, and
then the Okay, so we're gonna go President keeping you

(42:36):
have I do I mean, that's your security advice. I
want someone to pay for this, I wish. Okay, what
do you want to do because you have an alley.
I want this guy here to punch myself in a face. Well,
I'm not going to do that. Punch yourself in your face,

(42:58):
punch your face, punch your face on your face, your
face out. Oh no, look at just clean. The seals
are dieing. What happened to you at work? Nothing? Martha,
get me a fucking beer. Oh my god, Okay, I'll
get you a beer. You know you voted for this guy.
You've fucking voted for him for kid president? Yes, so sweet.

(43:21):
So his heart's in the right place. I'm missing the tooth.
Oh my god, you are. I had to pledge myself
in the face today, Martha. You didn't have to do that.
Listen to me. There's a revolutionary broing. Okay, really, me
and everyone else who's over the age of eighteen, we're
having tonight. I don't think everybody showing up. No, I

(43:44):
turned night. So I mean, we all know what we're here. Yeah,
this kid exactly. We hate fucking kids, all right, hold
like that? Holy shit? Yeah, holy sh it. Yeah, anyway,
fuck so yeah, we just we don't like this kid,
right right, and kids in general, yeah right, but we

(44:06):
want to stay young at hard, so let's we gotta
do some We gotta some crazy all right? Well, aren't
there more people? Here? Was a Facebook post last minute?
So how are you still on Facebook? So freaking I
get them doing like some fun up stuff, but it's
a really great way to being president. Just does TikTok
and it's working really well for him. So he's working

(44:28):
with the Chinese government, not my president. All right, Now, look,
we gotta do something. And now, I mean, frankly, their
armies just a bunch of kids. We could probably just
tickle them from this disgusting let's perverted. What do you
mean you want to tickle kids? Do you mean? What's
wrong with you? Okay, here we go a second. A second,
We're not going to just run in there and tickle them.

(44:49):
Mean as opposed to, like, you know, inflicting actual harm
to these kids. I think that the harm is less
frightening than you, a grown man suggesting let's go tickle
all this time? Let me tick you feel I don't
you got wet hands? Man? I can see him from
here to claim me I have an anxiety issue and
I was wet too, So hey, not like that. Okay,
all y'all, let's keep it focusing. Okay, we hate kids,

(45:10):
all right, we hate kids. That's true. That did other
people leave? Look at this group of snigling cowards at
the former Secretary of State. I used to be the
Secretary of State, and I've got connections to the former
Navy seals, connection to the former na the ones that

(45:30):
sing sneveling, sniveling? Is that a word you've seen? Hi,
primp and maybe nonetheless secretary part of my group? Can
they kill the baby steals? No, they're going to kill

(45:51):
all the kids in the White House. Optics are not
going to look good at well, I guess tickling isn't
sounding such a bad idea. Steeds grow, it's weird, it's weird.
Can we just, uh, you know, when they're sleeping, put
bags over the heads. What if you put the time
put in time out, put him in time out? Can
we just put him in time out to kill them?

(46:13):
You should be the one to go in there and
put the kid president time out? Mama, mind go president?
Oh gosh, honey, that's a complicated question because everybody's mad
at me. You know, I feel like that a lot
of my days too, And honestly, you can just do
your best every day and trying to make the best
decisions I can, I know, babe, and you're doing a
pretty good job. But you just you're gonna learn every

(46:34):
day and there's gonna be setbacks and that's okay, that's
part of it. Sorry interrupt the first mom, but we're
going trying to seduce. Oh of course you are going out.
I can't talk about this kind of him, I understand,
But you know, TikTok. Can I have a minute? TikTok? Sure,
I understand. I think I want to watch videos on TikTok. Now, look,

(46:58):
we had the first mother sitting at the table in
the back left. Okay, this has got to go smooth, right,
It is a big deal for the uh some fucking
hot guy guys ripped his shirt, ripping running through the
game plan again. All right, we're going to serve them
steaming mcaroni of course number one. Of course, number two,
we're gonna do grilled macaroni a little bit. She's Parmigiano.
Wait are you for this administration? I am for macaroni? Grill.

(47:24):
What why do we have them here because they can
go anywhere? What are you talking about? No? I mean,
what's the plan? I don't understand the plan. The first mother,
she's just she has a reservation. What we are we
just serving her? I don't want to sun this up,
That's what I'm saying. Why weren't you listening? Why weren't
you listening? I was thinking, what's the thing? I was
thinking about this revolution? That massacre. I don't want any

(47:48):
of that talk. You know what, You're a fucking pro macaronist.
Come on, you're a pearl Macaroni am for business. I'm
thinking about the stick bab. What are you like? Oh
my god, You're button is so funny. Sorry, I had
to President. I think we will have the macaroni baby. Hello. Hi,

(48:11):
my name is Clark. I am the general manager at
the macaron I. Don't think you so much with Mr
Kid President. Pleasure to have you in our kid President
Kid President, Yes, secret service here back up? Yes, yes uh.
And as we have brought a complimentary steamed macaroni for
the table, what do we do with that? You can
use you can use your fingers, or or you can
make a necklace. I brought some string for you can

(48:32):
when I use my fingers. Okay, yes, you don't make
macaroni necklaces with cooked macaroni steam. You can do it
before you cook the macaroni, when it's hard and hopefully
you're making fresh posta. Are you really the general manager
at the macaroni guilly? Step back, step back? Yes, the
general manager. Why used to be the secretary of state

(48:55):
and this is a cooty today, I think even scuded time.
This is a I have I have a super everybody,
but you put your weapon down. I have a super
so here full of gross stuff. I am. It's hard
to gross me out of superki super sokin. It's a

(49:20):
ex secretary. Dude, what's you do? Man? This is a
COUTI and the first mom we're trying to have a
little supper. Why you gotta pitch you because this is
the first time I found the president kid president out
of office and he's never getten back, sir. The tables

(49:43):
are full. Hey Clark, do you want to step in
and do something? Man, Sir, you're going to have to
see your way out. I'm gonna break this kid's neck.
I give me that, for give me that. For I'm
doing something. What is okay? Okay, I don't want to

(50:06):
be president no more. What I don't want president no more?
You just started, uh microphone, the people of the United States?
Are you press secretary? I am I present to you
the kid president Going up? Honey, there's a step. There's
a tool. Here you go, ladies and gentlemen in the

(50:28):
United States. Um. I ran for president like mostly like
as a joke, like I didn't think it was gonna happen.
Like I was just you know, I just wanted the attention.
And then O became president and then like I gotta
make decisions all day and really like hurts my head.
I feel bad about those baby seals got slaughtered in Syria. Um,

(50:51):
so I'm not gonna be president anymore? What sure? Question? Question? Kid?
Stop questions? We take one at a time, the show
of hands. Your hand, h two questions here one will

(51:12):
the umbrella stay up? In two? Who will be taking
your place? Okay? Number one, we did put a giant
umbrella in space, which is preventing global warming from ever
happening again. So it's half of the planet they have
not got any natural sunlight. Okay, Well we'll do with

(51:32):
that we'll do with that later, okay, and put the
invisible ink in the constitution. The next president is going
to be my little sister. What the fund a new president?

(51:59):
That's a show for today, a very special birthday episode.
Thank you. It's just too much you guys. You make
me talk about it over and over. That's our show.
How many wards did you get from a space just
that show? How many did that get? Oh gosh, I
don't know. We're we keeping track sixteen and two shows

(52:24):
those are. Let's thank our alchemist and let's the first
start with the James Heeney. Who, James, You've posted this
new video on the Patreon uh dot com slash alchemy.
This of you with some scratchers. Well, I went to
your birthday party. Well now you're just bragging, yeah, And
I said that I was bragging. I got invited. There

(52:44):
was a pumpkin carbon contest and I won first place,
which won me lottery tickets. And who would have guessed
that I was gonna win? But luckily for me, I
was recording it, and I have proof I won the lottery.
I have not to any money of it, so you
don't have to worry. It's not disappeared yet, right, so

(53:04):
if you're patron, you could see the video of me
scratching off those. Usually when someone wins five or ten
dollars off scratchers, they don't this is more than five
or ten dollars. They don't say I won the lottery. Yeah,
it's not five or ten dollars. Okay, hashcash Craig Kakowski
three twitters to follow at Kakowski c A c ko
wsk I for just my general life stuff at Craigslist,

(53:27):
peak cast for podcasting at Orange Tucks, Improv for improv shows.
All right, thank you so much, pleasure. Vanessa Raglan not
prepared Dynasty Typewriter Halloween party. By the way, thank you
so great for coming. The tarot card reading was, oh yeah,
what did you find out? Phenomenal. I'm surprised you're all
still here. Ye, So there's a scavenger hunt. Joey had

(53:52):
a shot. Joey was carrying around a shoe all night,
and I never understood what he was. A boot swaggler.
And if you looked into the scavenger hunt, you would
have found out why. I mean, you wouldn't have really,
but it would have said I'm sure it was very
well rehearsed. Yes, yes, we had winners. We did have winners.
People completed the whole scavenger on They got tickets to

(54:16):
Dynasty shows and t shirts and free popcorn through the
end of the year, which is you know, coming up
on it um and toppings for their popcorn. So it
was a fun prize. And so folks listening to you
go to Dynasty typewriter dot com yeah for upcoming shows
and tickets please. They could probably learn about it from
New York Times. Thank thank you. New York Times hates

(54:41):
to write about anything in Los Angeles. You guys got
a huge article. Yeah, it was crazy and we're so
so so grateful, um bonkers, and people were saying the
things that we would dream of, people saying like having
artists that we love were just being so nice. So
it was a dream come true. And I would love
for anybody when you're in town, come to the theater
and let me top your popcorn out me people, I'll
said Chris Alvarado. Yeah. At Chris Alvarado on Instagram. Not

(55:04):
much going on there, but I did realize that we're
doing stuff on their alchemy this Instagram with these like
office shots and stuff and what's that hashtag menial job
pick menial job picky. We just got a couple we're
going to throw up. I love that. I love the
idea of people tagging us on in their menial job
pick pictures. We're just alchemy this on Instagram and we

(55:26):
are doing because of our media guy Danny, more posts
than ever and it's really fun. And all our live
shows are the first Sunday of every month. Uh for
for at Westie Comedy Theater. Um, Joey Grid, thank you
so much for being here. Pleasure, I know, but still
thank you. And thank you for the gifts too for
my birthday. Well I want them back. Oh interesting, let's

(55:46):
thank you Engineer of the Stars, Mr duck Bain. And
I heard media, this media, this media is doing. But
it came back to I'm Kevin Polic, your host until
next time.