Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode about my design. Your host,
Kevin Pollock COVID nineteen edition. Yes that guy, what's happen? Nope, No, nope.
I don't plan on dying anytime soon, thank you, but
I digress. Let's meet our alchemist shower in no particular
order to say, he lod of Chris Albretto, Hi, new phone,
(00:25):
Who Chris? Any snack or treat you'd like to recommend
for those self quarantining Well, here's the thing. I'm a
pretty clean eater generally. Chart I've found I rediscovered my
love of Dorito's recently Doritos. That's it? Yeah, so perfect,
(00:48):
Parker Butts. It's Jessica Low Low lower and ju what's
your go to breakfast these days? I have rice cake
with some oln better and some honey. That that's correct.
Put the line outside of the coconut. It's Craig Kakowski cocowban.
(01:10):
What will you wear when we're told it's all okay again?
I think I'm gonna wear what I'm wearing now, which
is uh sweater on top, nothing on the bottom, gonna
Donald duck it, Donald duck in it. I wasn't sure
if we could use that particular duck because of copyright infringement.
Now that Disney Plus is a thing, hide your vaccines.
(01:34):
It's James Heeney, Jack Smack and the heat tones. What
time do you normally rise in the morn? These days?
I typically rice at the latest eight am? Um, the earliest. Oh,
I'm sorry, not the latest eight am. A good average
(01:54):
earliest is probably six thirty eight is the average latest am? Um?
Fair enough. But I'll wake up, like even if somebody
touches a door knob like next door, I'll wake up.
But I can you know, Yeah, I don't know what. Yeah,
ten am. You won't catch me asleep after that. Eight
(02:17):
a m is the average. Thanks so much, James, you're
such a giver and last, but blow the man all
the way down if you think him least it's Joey
Greer Jojo Bird. When do you think? Uh? Grig, wouldn't
do I think? Um? When do I think? May? Mid May,
late May June? It sounds like he's thinking now, I
(02:39):
don't know uh when I think? When I think? Also, Joey,
if I may, wouldn't you wear that hat? Because those
listening we're looking at each other through the discord app
not a sponsor. I'm I'm I don't know, I'm in.
I'm so inspired to call you, little buddy. Thanks. I'm
wearing a bucket hat but brim, the front brim is
(03:01):
flipped up and it's a whole vibe and I'm leaning in.
It's got a Gilligan thing working a little bit. When
I when this whole thing blows over, I'm going to
tell people I'm a captain. And uh, I feel like
we have all right to assume any kind of profession
after this whole thing is over. Yeah, I can't wait
for it to just blow over by Easter. Yeah yeah,
(03:26):
bye Easter. So uh so perfect. He's playing his part beautifully. Um,
all right, let's do a damn show. Almost all of
our scene suggestions today are gathered from your listener emails
or our patron v i P members. If you'd like
to submit your scene suggestions, please write to the podcast
at your name here at this dot com. That's your
(03:47):
name here at perfect um we. I can't tell you
how much these fresh emails mean to me during these
self quarantine times. To read all of your well wishes
through the Patreon as well as the alchemy this email. Um,
(04:08):
you guys really are crazy supportive out there, and apparently
we're doing some good. So let's get to the show.
This first scene is from patron v I P. Andrew,
who wrote, Hey, alchemists, love the podcast. Here's a scene
suggestion for you. All. The exorcism didn't work. At a
(04:28):
loss on what to do, the family is now trying
their best to live with the possessed individual. All my best, Andrew,
that's fine, you know, if everything's fine, it's it's just
a little heart at home. Um, okay, Margaret, marg Margaret, well,
(04:50):
just come over a different day for lunch. It just
doesn't please stay stay please? Um cold we maybe eat
in the die ing room. Uh well we actually we
can't write. That's kind of her domain. At the moment,
she's ripped the portal. Okay, Margaret into another dimension and
there seems to be these these dark crystals or something
(05:10):
opolis I'm not sure. Anyway, you said something about she
could she could uh like control the voices to the
point where it sounds a little bit like a show.
That's why I'm here. Yes, she has been able to
take over our bodies and use us as puppets. Uh really,
so dissent and lie throughout the household. But Margaret, please
(05:31):
put it down. So you said she had kind of
a Jennifer Lawrence impression working, Yes, she does it. So
that is that is pretty good. I just feel a
little less comfortable than I expected. Maybe we should have
dinner at my place and maybe she can't come. But
(05:53):
what is this about? Well, it's just that it's I
grew up deeply religious, and I can't help but think
that Satan's kind of crip on your daughter. I'm sorry, Vanessa,
of course Satan does. All right, it's beyond obvious that
this is what's happened. Okay, we had a botched exorcism.
You know that you're the ones pretty the goddamn rumors. Vanessa. Hey,
(06:14):
so I see that you're possessed. Thanks for meeting me
for dinner anyway. Um, that's what I wanted to get to. Oh,
whoa hold on? Whoa put down? Put it down? I'm sorry,
I'd like a refund from the table. I was just
sitting next to a couple and they were just talking.
(06:35):
What's the problem. Well, there was a couple. I don't
vomited all over the table. Number one and then she
ripped the man scratch out and just started Jamin. Are
you familiar with social distancing, Sir? I am familiar with that, sir, yes,
I am. So why don't we just get your food
to go? That would be great? Okay. You know what,
I don't know what the hell they goddamn culture is
in your restaurant, but it's it's sick. It's sick. Spanish
(06:55):
and Spanish mean that. I didn't mean the actual food,
culinary culture. I meant that the the vibe. All right,
you know what I'm this is? Can I introduce you
to the chef? Please, Ricardo, there's a customer here that's
not happy. Okay, hello, Ricardo, Yes, there's a customer here
who is not happy. Yeah. Look, I'm just gonna leave. Okay,
(07:17):
I don't even I don't need to talk to you. Okay,
I don't need to talk to you. Come here, come here,
come close closer than six ft further. Do you see
that woman over there, the one who just ate that
man's crotch? Okay, yeah, that's actually the one I was
complaining about. Yes, Oh, there's no need to complain. Okay,
al right, well, there don't need to complain, all right,
(07:39):
I see myself Okay, please do all right, sorry to interrupt.
I I I see that you're you're you're having having
a nice meal here. But I don't know if you
remember me. I'm a father. Mokay, I performed your exorcism.
(08:01):
I I just wondering. How's it been going since I
just haven't seen you in a while? Okay, great? Great? Uh,
I hope you're having a great meal. Just can we
get you your special yes? Absolutely, eels and potatoes. Eels
(08:24):
and potatoes. Yes. So I was there. I exercised that
the hell out of it, and maybe fifteen thousand, sixteen
thousand demons emerged. And that's that. I mean, I'm just
out there doing these exorcisms laughing right, it's not even
a problem. Awful, well, good on you, good on your Desmond. Yeah.
So it's only even a big deal. It's not even
something I care about, something I even like talking about.
(08:44):
But it's just something I do. You know, I'm just
really good today. I can ask you a question, mate,
it's not a big deal. Why do you keep going
on about it? And I don't know. Just people talk
about breathing all the time, and I thought I'll talk
about that. That's the same thing breathing, doing extra fifteen thousand,
sixteen thousand really shures speak told from me. But that's
just said. You know, just have that demon thumb if
you will. There's not even that many people in the county.
(09:07):
Where are you trying to do this? You know, I'm
saying the demons are infested inside an individual person. I'm
saying that's how many demons were in one person. I
just exercised all those demons. You're telling us sixteen demons
in a tiny little person. That's exactly what I'm saying.
The sixteen demons probably even more right. How many points
have you had? Man relaxed with that? Okay, listen, I'm
(09:28):
the best exorcist in the county, and you're just a
little jealous that the Pope himself granted me a little
Metalian That says how I get to do what they do?
Let missing the medallion again? Here you go. Look, oh my,
it's a little pope on chocolate. I just took abide it.
Give it a plot there. Okay, Look, okay, look, sometimes
the chocolate, sometimes the medallis doesn't matter, all right? You
(09:51):
know I shouldn't even be talking to you guys anyway.
You don't even real exercise. You can't even do it. Well,
we can't save them all. We can't save them all.
I'm not even sure we should trade. What the hell
do you mean you can? Of course, we can see
for all the power of God with us. I may
not everyone has a hundred percent right like you do, Desmond. Well,
(10:16):
then maybe I'll just take a little script out of
my book. Maybe No, they see. The thing is, most
of us are getting about three or four Damon's per
this fifteen thousand things overwhelming three or four? Huh, well
that's uh what are you coming up with? I think
(10:36):
I'm averaging about a half demon prayer exorcism jus, Yeah,
I mean I've done stop on. America's got talent. We've
got a young woman straight out of Pittsburgh. She's got
a lot of fire to her. Take it away. What
are you gonna sing for us today? Terrific? Take it away? Okay?
(11:07):
Going to the judges? Judges? What do you think? I
believe it didn't sound very melodic. I was expecting some
I don't know melody. Am I incorrect? Because you want
to change your your two and their judge because she
(11:28):
will eat your crop? Uh? Yes, it sounds pretty good,
it sounds funny good. I thought she was great. I mean,
I feel like Judge number one has it in for
her somehow. I don't know what the relationship isn't there. Yeah,
I would like to see if she could sing in
(11:50):
a different genre, maybe some country and western. I mean,
I think it was great. I think everything that was
happening was fetazing. I love I love the energy. I
love five. It was said out of said if I
was if I was gonna say, anybody's good talented's you?
Is you? Did you really want me to can't do? Yes? Yeah,
(12:15):
I mean if you'd like to go to the next round,
mean scouting Bergie. Yeah, I was right. In any genre,
it was very melodic that time. It's very melodic. Henry, Henry, I,
(12:35):
I'm sorry, we're gonna have to ask you to be
removed from the judge's panel. But why, well, what did
I do? Well? You were so scared, you've you've changed
to American for some reason. It scared the printed shot
of me. I don't know what to say. I had
I had a demon mouth right on my crutch. I
(12:55):
thought it was gonna be good, but it was bad.
It's real bad anyway? What does never left the stage?
My god? Maybe it was some kind of projection in
the mind. I'm not sure. But listen, you've losen your grip.
You're not in control of the artists, or the stage,
or yourself for that matter. We're going to have to
let you go from America's Got Talented. Bring you into
Burmese has Got Talent. What you're out of America's Got Talent? Henry,
(13:21):
you can't be. But I don't have another job lined up? No,
you do. It's but you know what forget? Uh, it's
just says here on your resume that you worked as
a oh, as a judge on America's Got Talent? Ye
is that right? I was a very popular judge for
a while and we split with I saw you a
(13:41):
very populic judge for quite a while. It looks like
three years. But you had a British accent during those years.
Oh not after the mouth of the demon got around
the crotch. It was the end of the British accent. Uh.
The demon, you say, got your crotch. It sucked the
Brexit right out of me. I see. So, so listen
(14:04):
here demon, I get some good news and some bad
news for you. The good news is I heard that
there's a new priest coming in and he's gonna fix
your right up. The bad news is, as soon as
that happens, we're gonna have to let you go from
this record label. So here he comes, now here he comes. Now, hello,
how do you do? Everyone's fine? Yes, yes, good, good, Okay,
(14:29):
al right, lively one, so lets some hold my bax.
There's leather from the pope. The Pope himself gave me
that leather. It's from the skin from other popes, so
it's really leather. Right there crying fantastic. Now alright, let's
do a little thing. It's the Mother of the House available,
no one, okays, just us here. It looks like this
(14:49):
is I listen, I'm I run this record label. I
brought her in here to have a meeting with her,
and I brought you in here as well. Underston, I
understand something interesting. So the mother, the mother is she
even hell house? Unfortunately she's not understand understand fun did
you need did you did you need her for the exorcism? Father? Father? Tim?
(15:13):
Can I ask coverle the questions? And please of course
you can. And just there's been some complaints. You're going
into people's homes trying, allegedly trying to help, and then
you're asking about the mothers. I'm going to people's homes,
going to people's place of businesses and asking for the
house mother and trying to figure out if she's there,
to get starting of what's happening. And that's all a
(15:33):
lot of I'm just trying to get a filled filled out.
But it's always about the mothers. You're always after the mothers. Curious, curious,
back into that area again, mutter Mary, I need to
find out where the mother is in order to exercise
the demon. Do you want to go get a point?
I'd like to get a point. Here, hold open the
indutry for a little bit. I can let's go get
(15:56):
a point. Can we get two points of beer? Of
course you could have two points the beer? Thank you
so much? There see two points of beer? To want
a chicken oner, Yeah, let's do that. Okay, put chicken
on the beer. Put chicken trying to put chicken on
the bear. Oh hello, father, Hello, father, father, father. How's
(16:18):
how's the exorcism business going? Pretty good? I don't know
if you ever heard of Columbia Records about how's just
up there to the new extracism. I was a member
of member of the club for many years. Oh yeah,
But anyway, I was in Columbia record just can turn
the town and saying what to six for a penny,
that's right. But so I didn't exorcism up there, and
they said I could take any record I wanted. I
(16:40):
didn't do it. You know, don't take tithings and anything
like that. So that's all. Just that's my day. That
was what I did today. Now, what about your father?
How to cows treating you? How are the cows treating me? Yeah, well,
you know, it's uh, you know, I have been assigned
a new flock literally, um so, oh it's it's been quiet.
(17:01):
It's been quite. My exorcism averages down to point three,
so that's not good. But it's very get much confession
out of the cows. They're tight lipped, I'll be honest
with you. They are tight lipped. And it's uh, it's
hard to purge demon from a cow. How so, I
(17:21):
bet it is. It's a little different in person from
a human being with a human soul, isn't it. Father? Okay,
we get it, we get it. Oh, no, no, no,
don't take you do. A little cow running around there
is possessed. Oh no, I hope not. I hope my
meat isn't a little nealy. Well, do you know what,
I'm gonna go back. I'm gonna go back to that
first failed exorcism and try to right the wrongs. All right.
(17:45):
I just hoped, I just hope, hope, against hope that
the mother will be there. Mm hmm, okay, Bessie Elsie,
I got to go. I got to go. I got
to leave Ireland and go back to Pittsburgh. Don't I
(18:08):
hope you're understanding. Oh, you're all possessed. You're all possessed.
This is devil music. You're not gonna play this goddamn
album in my house. You're not gonna play that woman
is possessed and she will not have her voice ring
around through my walls. You understand this, This is my
goddamn home. I don't care how old you are. I
don't care if you're sixteen, and this is the hot
(18:29):
music you were a kid. Mom, when you were a kid,
people didn't like your music too that we're adults, but
you know what, this is what kids are listening to now. Well,
you're listening to some goddamn devil music, and that's a
fact to fact what makes it good, that's what makes
it easy to groove to. Mom. Well you're grounded me. No,
I'm talking to the wall. Who Hi, Welcome back to
(18:51):
see one Devil Music hour. Next hit is coming all
the way from Detroit. Sweet sounds coming out of motor
City once again, and they are the Devil Babies enjoying
six seven. Don't go Jase, and that scene one June
(19:26):
the Devil Baby is okay. See two comes from us
from Audrey, who wrote, Hey, Alchemist, Craig, I've been re
listening to the podcast Hello from the Magic Tavern because
that's where I am at right now, and heard you
(19:46):
as the scholar in a live recording. Do you remember
any of this, Craig, Yeah, that sounds correct. Show. I
love that show. Settle down, James. I was back to
the email. I was super excited it because again, that's
where I'm at right now. Could we hear the classic
scenario of a misunderstood kid running off to join the circus?
(20:09):
Thanks so much, Audrey. Thanks Audrey. Can I can I
talk to the clowns for a second? Please? You can't clowns. Whoever,
how are you? Yeah, listen, people in the front road
been complaining about the water. You're spreading the spits in
(20:31):
the water in their faces the splash zone. Don't you
think that maybe they'd want to move back. Yeah, none
of them were told it was a splash zone. Of course,
the plash zone. Yeah, less water. All right, Well, then
we're robbing all of the people that want to be
in the splash zone their experience. Yeah, nobody's saying they
(20:54):
want to be in a splash zone, saying it to me.
I I don't know. I feel like it's what your
family's Your family's coming to the matt and eight today.
I'm gonna put them in a splash show and we're
gonna see how it goes with them. Oh, my family
doesn't like the splash show. They usually sit in the
upper seats. And which one have you seen Joe Joe
the dog Boy, dog Boy. I'm sure he's around here somewhere,
(21:17):
all right, let me know because I want some more
join if you see him. Mom, Dad, I um, I
did what you told me to do. I went to
my room because I know I was acting up, and
I wrote down a list of all my bad behaviors
and how I can be better. And then I wrote
down what I wanted to be when I grew up.
(21:38):
So here it is. If you want to read that,
I can read it for you. No, no, no, read it.
Read it. Your handwriting sucks out. Oh I'm sorry that
I just pinched your cheek. Okay, let's see here. These
are all the bad things you did. I didn't put
my socks away, my shoes were a little dirty, my
(22:01):
shirts weren't folded, and I got an a minus in math.
Well you know what that looks like to me? Looks
like trash. It looks like you failed, son, and not
only gonna read what you want to be at the end,
because I guarantee you it's dumb. No, it's it's not.
It's I thought. It's gonna be a doctor lawyer, and
that's that. Do you understand you're going to be a
doctor lawyer. You're gonna be just like your mother and
(22:23):
your father. Do you understand you're not gonna do anything else?
That's it. You're gonna sue the ship out of doctors
because that's what we both do. And then you're gonna
suit your up patients. You get it because you're a
doctor first lawyer. You know what it means. I know
what it means. Just just look. I'm not gonna look.
I'm not gonna look at what you want to be.
(22:43):
You don't want to look. I'm a little curious. Are
you serious? Hold on son to go to the corner.
What the hell's wrong with you? Why are you? Why
are you undermining me? Right in front of our kids.
I'm not undermining you. I'm just trying to let him
express himself as a doctor lawyer should order in the court.
I think that's exactly what you're doing. Scalpel, thank you. Okay,
(23:07):
I'm gonna slit your throat if you don't listen to
our song. Is that a threat that I will? And
then I will defend myself in court after I murder you.
But they sound like terrible parents. How long have you
been riding the rails, kid and searching your dreams? Two
and a half hours? So when I saw you hoped
(23:31):
this train, that was that was your first Okay? Well,
thank you? How do you What do we do for food? Well,
a can of beans is standard, but really you can
scrounge wherever you want. Yeah, that's a that's a possessed cow.
(23:52):
I wouldn't eat that has a demon in that cow? Sir?
Is it true that this train goes to the greatest
show on Earth? Well, that's right. The terminus of this
train is at the Ringling Brothers Circus and now run
by a ring master, Gambino. He's the meanest, he's the
(24:15):
meanest ring master around. Oh you'renna ride the rails out here,
tons of circus gossip. Oh yeah, there, you gotta you
gotta show him your ticket tickets. I just I just
by buck it, good luck, by god, damn it. I'm listen,
(24:37):
we're gonna think at this guy, damn circus running up right?
Do you understand that? No, I don't like the hell
is your problem? What the hell is my problem? The
goddamn ring leader? Do you understand that the hell is
your problem? You know what? I'm gonna dunk you and nails,
no more water. Make that a note? All right now? Listen,
I want this circus to be running smooth, no fun,
no smiles, no laugh. Did you understand this is fucking circus?
(25:02):
How we supposed to get money out of these people
unless they having a good time? You know what You're
not gonna get dunked in nails anymore. You're gonna get
dunked in live saws. Do you understand that spinning saws?
Make a note of that. I want this circus to
be the best circus in the world. I can't help better,
and I'm sorry for interrupting, but I think it's important
to mention that he's asking me to stop the splash
(25:24):
thrown and that's one of the best parts of the circus,
with the Seltzer water in the clowns. My god, I
thought you died two weeks ago. Am I looking at
respective time pass? Huh? No, I didn't die. Huh huh?
What are you? What are you asking me? I'm just saying, listen,
I think that the circus has taken a direction that's
really not good. We used to really have a lot
(25:47):
of fun. A lot of people. You think the spective
time passed wants to direct this circus. Well, why don't you?
Why don't you do a ring leading now? Yes, how
about that? But I'm just a happy alown that's a
fair question. Why don't you? Okay, I will I will
run the circus now. And the first thing I'm gonna
(26:07):
change is well, I'll tell you, the clowns are gonna
get a little bit more respect around here, that's for sure. Yeah.
How about we get the clowns over here right now
to get on top of the elephants where we can rehearse. Please,
one time, can we just rehearse with the fucking elephants.
We'll give it a shot. Yeah, thanks, I want to
(26:30):
talk to the bearded lady. Where's the bearded lady? Yeah? Hey, listen,
someone told me that you accepted a bet to shave.
Is that right? Yeah? I just he's growing this for
a little bit. And uh, you know, little she when
I kissed it kind of scratches my partner. I just, uh, whoa, whoa,
(26:53):
who are you kissing? Who am I not kissing? I'm
kissing the clowns, I'm isn't all the I'm kissing all
the clowns first of all? Right, kissing the ringleader? Alright,
be honest with me, which one of the clowns is
the best kisser? And why? Bingo bingo? Sure, little boy,
(27:14):
little boy, I see you on the path here, lost
and alone. Yeah, I don't. Is hitchhiking bad? No, hitchhiking
isn't bad. But hitchhiking with someone who might chop you
up and make you into a smoothie. That's that's bad.
That's scary. That's a scary thought. But that's not But
are you that type of person? No, no, little boy,
(27:36):
No I'm not. No, I've never been in a tesla before.
Can I come in? Of course? Yes, you know I've
I used to run a circus. Wait what the Ringling
brother circus at the end of the train station. I
am That's where I'm going. Ah, well, I'm driving in
the opposite direction. I gave up that life just about
(27:57):
two hours ago. Oh okay, I'll get it out then.
Thank you? Are you sure? Okay? Thank you? Do you
know what? The young boy, why don't Why don't you
take my tesla? What do you mean? I don't know.
I just feel it. I feel it in my heart.
Drive my tesla wherever you want, and if it's the
Ringling Brothers, and please bring it back the love and
desire to perform that I lost long ago. Wait, no, sir,
(28:23):
why don't we find that that love for the circus
in you again? It's dead. I killed it. I metaphorically
took a double barrel shot gun and put it to
the back of the head of that love, and I
pulled the trigger. Do you understand what I mean? No?
I how else can I explain this? I bound up
that love and had on a wench and I slowly
(28:44):
dipped it down into boiling water? Do you understand what
I mean? No? How I was gonna explain this? I Uh.
I had a serrated knife and I found the stomach
of that love and then I just started stabbing and slicing,
stabbing and slicing until it was disembowed. Dude, you know
what I mean? Yeah? Okay, al right, Well but sir,
(29:04):
maybe maybe you need to start your own circus and
maybe I can help you started a young boy and
an older man in the test list or in a circus? Yes, yes,
that just well what kind? I'll take my shirt off?
No no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, take
(29:25):
the pants off? No no, Okay, I'm out. I'm out
of here. I have to go. Wait where are you going? Hey?
My uh? I I bought tickets from my whole family
for the circus. Uh. And I was expecting, like a
tent situation that this appears to be just a tiny
back room. Okay, So so this is the first time.
(29:45):
Us clowns are in charge of things, so you're gonna
probably see a bell curve of experience being good. Does
that make sense? I don't want to see a bell curve. Okay,
we're we decided to do a b under the tents
and uh maybe we'll bring him back next time. The
tiny room down here, look down here, all right? Yeah,
(30:11):
out like stop biting my shin? All right, that's that's
my that's my ankle. Okay, it looks like you were
bitten by a clown, is that erc Yeah, tiny clown
bit me, hit me on the ankle. Have you been
showing any other kind of symptom? Sweating the wanting to juggle? Objacked?
(30:33):
I objecked your honor. Look, I was told that you're
the best doctor lawyer in town. I am okay, now
just sitting that's here, Say that's here, say your honor.
I'm in the middle of a question my students, if
I can say that? And uh, I don't think anything
I was saying or doing was was wrong. Where is
(30:56):
the judge? Where the hell are you paying? Where? Hello?
How does this work? Even a second? Hold on a second,
I'm doing surge you on this kind at the exact
same time. Is there a better time for me to
come back? What your honor? Hello, your honor, because I
I have been showing symptoms. Oh my god, what he
(31:19):
just does not want to pay attention to us. I'm
gonna be honest this case. It seems fucked. Okay, but
now look, okay, beatle objections. We had a couple of
hearsaying okay, great, now, so you have you are showing
symptoms that Yeah, I woke up the other morning. My
my face was covered in white paint and my lapel
(31:42):
flower keeps spurting liquid. Interesting. Interesting, have you noticed your
feet getting larger? My feet are the same size, but
my shoes are way bigger. Objection, objection, he's leading the patient,
Your honor. Thank you? Let me refer is the question,
oh you and feet sis getting big? Z's thank you? Yeah? Yeah,
(32:07):
I mean I'm the cut a long story short. I'm
afraid I'm turning into a clown. Like please just answer
the questions, Just answer what was the question again? Getting bigger? Yes, yes,
(32:29):
my feet sees are getting big zs. Well, you just
said that the shoes were getting bigger and your feet were. Okay, look,
you've got me all confused here. I just wanted to
take my family to see a circus. I got bit
by a clown and now I'm becoming a clown. Order
in the court, your honor. Yeah, yeah, order in the court. Hi, mom, Mom?
(32:52):
Is it is it you? It's it's your son. I'm
calling you from a pay phone. You don't seem to
be too excited to hear from me. Oh well, your
voice sounds like a lot of guys, so I don't know. Sorry, Okay, Well,
I just wanted to let you know that I'm I'm
(33:12):
on the road. Oh you're on the road. Yeah, And
I'm hungry and I don't have money, but I'm chasing
my dream and I hope you're proud of me. That's
gonna send beans. Um, listen, your father's on the toilet
so I can speak freely. Honey. I'm so proud of you.
(33:35):
You are. Yeah, I just I mean, I I too
wanted to go on the road, but you know, I
came from a long line of dr lawyers, and honey,
I'm so proud of you. So just eat those beans
with whoever that voice belonged to, and good luck, baby bye, Mom.
(33:59):
I kidney if she got him pinto or I'll settle
for some black eyed peas. Even call ended? Would you
like to make another call? No? Tesla voice operations going silent?
So this beats the train, right? Oh sure, sure there
(34:24):
there's nobody try to take my ticket on a Tesla,
that's for sure. So I just told the car, is
there a Tesla code? Like there's a railroad code. I
don't know about that yet. I just told the Tesla
take me to the best place in the whole world,
and it just started driving. Oh so, I guess I'm
getting sued by this guy because he thinks he's turned
(34:46):
into a clown. Um. I can't really be held responsible
for this, right, I don't think so. But tell me
more about this clown. Well, it was a little clown
bitted in cool. It's stuck tageous. People become clowns all
the time, and there's there's a lot of ways that
guy can be turned into a clown. How did the
(35:07):
clown learn and to bite people in the ankle? That
we taught him to bite somebody in the ankle. He
just got frustrated because he wasn't getting heard. I mean,
they were talking really tiny and it's just you know
the guy. Have you ever heard of somebody getting bit
by clown and turning into a clown before? That's not
(35:27):
how I turned into a clown. I went to clown school.
It was hard. I'll take your case. Well, thank you.
I'll need to interview all the clowns, all the clowns.
It's gonna be tough for you to interview the little
one that well, he doesn't have a very good attitude
and he's hard to keep in the same place. Okay,
(35:48):
can you can you set up a meeting for me?
I just told you it would be difficult, and that's
the one you would like to meet. Huh, Okay, I will.
I will set you up a meeting with the little clown,
but he is not gonna I'm gonna send I'm gonna
send my private investigator over there to meet the little clown.
As long as it's not you talking to the little clown,
because that would be I don't want to talk you
talk me out of it. I don't want to meet
(36:08):
the little funker. I don't want to have anything to
do with him. Some of my private investigator, his name
is scab Bench. I want you to set up to
meet was told to me to clown here. Oh, let
me just warned you before you step in. He is
probably i'll squirt me with your flower. Sorry, but I'm
(36:32):
about to let you into the into the room where
the little clowns out, and just be careful, watch your
ankles and just be careful. Hey, my buddy, stop squirting.
I said to the guy. These are cigarettes. He's a magic.
Excuse me, I've got a I've got a guest. It's Scabeach. Uh.
He would like to talk to you for a while.
(36:53):
His name is what scobeach? What is that bully? I'm
not sure. I'm not sure, but I think he's with
the laws. So maybe you just be on your best behavior.
My hello, are you doing? You the clown? That bit
that guy? Would you mind lying down please so I
(37:15):
can see your face? Yeah? Sure, let me just get on.
So my god, you've been in this ship in my face? God,
damn god, damn you A brand said, I'm believing here. Okay,
we're here. Um, thanks first stopped. Thanks for joining me
(37:40):
on this journey. I'd understand if you don't want to
go in with me. Okay, good, thanks, because I think
this was gonna be awkward. Um. Yeah, good luck kid. Thanks,
thanks for the ride. Uh I couldn't take this test
off your hands. Good, Sure it's yours all right, Tesla
(38:01):
take me to a bean factory? Who bed Tesla? Pull over?
Well the TESTA please pull over, sir? Okay, well down
the side of the road. Test. I don't. I don't
think you can give commands to my Tesla. Well, I'm
just screaming over a megaphone. Put this turn your car
(38:23):
to the side. Tesla stop, Tesla stop now, Tesla, Tesla
keep driving, Tesla, go go go driving? Okay, get the
swat um? Hello? Are you the number one clown? Yes?
I should am. How do you do? My name is
(38:44):
Arthur mcdonaldson, and I ran away from home because I
want to be a part of your wonderful, wonderful circus. Well,
you've picked a terrible time to come in. There's a
lot of problems going on here. My name is Bingo.
So how how would you feel if you were to,
I don't know, become a new cloud? Are you prepared
(39:06):
to do cloud work? I'm prepared to do anything. I
have a whole bunch of ideas and I wrote them
down here if you want to read them. I think
we can make the elephants fly, and I think we
can make the tiger's talk, And I think, what do
you mean? Put some of this face paint on really
quick in this little Okay? All right, so there's so
(39:29):
what made you want to be a clown? Kid? Uh?
I like to make people happy? Oh that sounds fun.
I got bit by a cloud and now I have one.
Is that how that works? It's contagious, more contagious than COVID?
(39:49):
My teen. What's the best part about being a clown?
So far? It's terrible. I left my wife and family.
Everybody crowds into this tiny car. My feet season to
seas are growing, but my shoes keep getting even bigger. Yeah,
(40:11):
you can't stop smiling. That's right. This is painted on
my face, but inside I'm fucking miserable. Well it looks
good luck. All right, here we go, ladies and gentlemen.
Clap your hands and stomp your cheeks because it's the
(40:33):
greatest clown show in the world. Campaignion, Hi anybody, Hi, everyone, Hello.
If you don't want to get soaked, stay out of
the splash zone. Where is that? Who? God damn places?
(40:56):
A splash zone? What? What? Oh? God? So good? Sir,
don't don't throw that match. Don't throw that match, throw
it burdening Shelby And that's se number two, Oh the
(41:18):
greatest show on Earth see number three patroon v I P. Dave,
who wrote, I've noticed in my email inbox lately every
company under the sun finding a way to relate their
product to the coronavirus outbreak. While I'm in no way
(41:41):
downplaying in significance, it's starting to get a bit obnoxious.
How about a scene where you all are advertising exects,
pitching ad campaigns around said virus, two companies that in
no way have any relevant exposure or impact to the
public or break itself. Thanks for all the laughs, Dave
(42:03):
from spring Film Massoero. Now, look, you you all miss
an opportunity with AIDS, and I think if you would
have jumped on that body would have made a lot
of money. But you know, here we are, so it's
you know were we got a new pandemic epidemic happening, right,
and I really think that your company would be one
of the people that could really we make lozengers. We
(42:25):
were you know, of course we're important to the coronavirus people,
but I don't understand how you're going to pitch our
our circrets to the people who don't have who aren't infected.
How you know you're sending you want to send us
blast emails to every single person and and and you
know we're talking about what less than five percent of
the population so far have been infected. Mr Dooley, I understand,
(42:47):
Mr Dooley, I understand that. Yes, you're a little upset
and I worry about what this is, and I can
totally understand that. But just understand that that's what we do.
We're the marketing team. Okay, We're ace marketing, all right,
We're we're pretty much the the exorcists of this business, Okay,
Like we will take out whatever is inside the problem,
(43:07):
remove it, and leave you with the pure gold that's
supposed to be there. Okay, So just just know this,
all right, that when we do our pitch to you
in the next couple times, you're going to be so
blown away you're gonna say, I cannot believe I was
even this worried when we had this meeting. So just
market down your calendar right now that you were that. Okay,
(43:29):
So I promise you in the next seven days we're
gonna come back with a fantastic pitch. All right, thank
you so much, Mr Dooley team. Why don't you come
with me? Okay? Uh? What what I think we should
do is just say that it's it's a cure. Is
it illegal to call it a cure? Or probably cure?
(43:51):
Is that by stepping out of line? I think that's
the easy way to market it. Just say that it's
a cure. Yeah, we could do that, definitely. I don't
think that's illegal at all. I don't think so. I mean,
it's a it's already a low sunger. You put it
in your mouth. You know what, Let's try some let's
a little tester. Uh, Jeremy, you have you have one
(44:11):
of that, the little sock business on the side, right?
Are you talking about my sock business? Yes, Jeremy, Who
the hell am I talking about that? This is a
separate project. This isn't part of it. Jeremy, What am
I saying? Do you have saying that my sock business?
I've kept separate for a reason. I I right now
asking to integrate. Okay, Okay, well theoretically, okay, let's just
(44:32):
theoretically we're integrating it. But Jeremy do you want this
job or not? I want this job. My goal Actually,
my sock company will be so big. I don't need
this job. Uh sorry, what is this about again? I
I don't need socks. I'm pretty much home for the
next couple of months, and I'm good for socks. Well. See,
(44:52):
the good news about our socks is they work just
as hard inside as they do outside. Have you noticed
people with COVID nineteen. I hope that you have not.
I hope I haven't said anybody with COVID nineteen. Well,
are you wearing socks all the time? Most of the time,
I'm wearing socks. Yeah, it's probably a pretty good idea
(45:13):
to keep that going. And our socks you can change
every single day, and in all likelihood it's going to
continue the pattern of not seeing COVID nineteen. Okay, Uh,
it's you're just cold calling me, by the way, right,
h Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm also on the phone too.
Do you mind if Jeremy does that again? He's just
not wearing an ad agency and we just really want
(45:35):
to pitch this any Look, the socks will cure the disease.
So if you wear the sock deal, you'll be cured
of COVID. Wait wait, wait, we haven't said this yet,
am I like? Can we take this call? Side? Can?
Can I mute you? Do you mind if I mute
this cold call? Hey? Baby, you are a really powerful
influencer and as uh you're doing great? Really, Um, we
(45:57):
gotta we got a message from you, uh for you.
It's this company that wants you to Okay, but it's
kind of a weird integration. Okay, man, I got the guy.
I'll do it. Okay, Okay, I got the guy right
(46:19):
right here on the line. Hey, Bud, Yeah, hold one, Jeremy,
do you want to pick up the call? I'm on
a double call by you know, I'll do it, so
so anyway, listen. So we got these socks, okay, and
these socks are going to cure COVID nineteen guaranteed a hundred.
I really should have hung up by now, but no
(46:40):
one so fascinated by this. I want you on the phone. Ye,
it's the three of us who's on this call. It's
my ad agency. Jeremy was supposed to be spearheading this.
He has his business integrated with my ad agency, and
we're using this as a kind of is actually not integrated.
It's completely Jeremy. Just for the record, it's my side business.
I wanted to say this, so everyone, here's this. Jeremy.
(47:02):
You're on the ledge right now. You might be fired. Okay,
I can hear you. I just was surprised. I didn't
realize this. I thought I was doing a great job.
And I'm Tim Pickles. I'm in Missouri and I'm just
staying at home because of the virus. Pickles. Do you
did you have any idea who the fuck I am?
Do you know who the fuck I am? I'm at
(47:25):
the lazy I'm the lazy. Okay, I charge. I charge
proposed ten dollars if I do like a story on it. Okay,
I will wear your fucking stupid Corona socks if you
wire me that money today. Actually fantastic, Jeremy amusing me. Dad. Dad,
(47:47):
I know you're sick, but there might be some hope. Um.
You know the lazy that hawk girl did I follow online?
She's promoting a cure. It's the socks, Dad, and I
think I'm gonna I'm gonna get them for you. Oh God, Dad,
can you hear me? You can believe you, Dad, I'm
(48:09):
gonna these socks right now. I'm gonna yeah, you gotta
be socks, just hold tight. What kind of socks the
socks that are gonna cure you, Dad, They're gonna make
you all better. My balls are a little sweaty, right,
your balls are sweaty. That's okay, that's fine. That's fine Dad,
(48:34):
about your balls. No, I'd rather let you I'd rather
let you die than help you with your balls. Thank you,
a Mr President. Uh, I just want to say to
everyone right here, that to the nation that one of
the symptoms of COVID nineteen is that your balls are
gonna get sweaty. Now, this is obviously the only available
we know for men, So all the testing we're doing
now is to know if men get it. Okay, we
(48:55):
haven't tested to see if women get it or what
are the symptoms for women? But for men, your balls
will get sweaty. Any questions from the press bowl? Yes, yes,
Dr Fauci. Uh that's my name. Next question? Uh? No,
I actually have a question. Oh, I'm sorry, go for it. Yes,
I mean the virus has been around for months, right now,
Why are we only learning now that ball sweat is
(49:16):
one of the chief symptoms? Great question? Well, before it
was cold weather chili chili, willy willy, and now it's
getting steamy Billy, I like to philly. And uh, we're
seeing that because of the rising temperature of the actual air.
We're seeing that A bowls were question news news question
news yes, questions question, Hi, but it was Stevenson. All right,
(49:39):
we're gonna go to somebody else. New screw screws. Yes, yes,
Now are we sure the ball sweat is not is
not just due to the hot weather and not to
the virus itself. How can you attribute it for the
virus when, as you said, the weather has gotten much stickier. Okay,
those are two different questions. What question do you want
to ask New screw New screw question? Yeah, it's me,
(50:04):
it's me. It's Stevenson. Stevenson with with Up Up we
go magazine. Let's go somewhere else, Le's go somewhere. Whel
have a question? News crew, news crews? Is it possible?
Oh it's uh, my name is Let's go to somebody else.
Let's go to somebody else. Saty, why did you let
(50:24):
me handalyst one? And the handle? List the questions? Please
handle the questions got the best questions? These are the
most wonderful questions. President, Please, Yeah, Roski's sky? What's the Stevenson? Yeah?
What are you quite? What's your questions? We got the
best danswers. Um, Uh, what's that? That's a great one.
(50:45):
You see. We got the best journalist here. That's real news,
real news. But I forget what I said about Easter.
I'm not gonna wait till easter. I think life's pretty
much going back to normal. Uh, when they put him
in the case, not when he came out. Okay, well,
hold up, we don't know that. I can't I can't
collaborate that. I can't collaborate that we're gonna put Jesus
(51:06):
back into the cave. Okay, I cannot collaborate that he
already has risen anymore. At one time for one more question,
One time for one more question, One time for one
more question. Yes, yes, newscrew is the h Are these
socks that are being sold by influencers? Are they going
to have an effect on on ball sweat? Let me
right now, Mr President, socks cause off on my back.
(51:32):
You got thick socks, you got sweaty balls. Look, we
got the best balls. Look what I can say is
that I do not promote those socks. They have not
been tested. And for who else wants to anybody else
want to ride Fauchi. It's like a Shetland pony. Jeremy,
I'm so sorry to say this, but the company, the
(51:53):
Suck Company, is skyrocketing. We're we're making two million dollars
a week. But the problem is this, this is kind
of a mom and pop shop. I don't think I
can make that many socks. That's what we're asking you to.
Step down, step down. But this is the I've been
working on this company for so long. This is this
is Tim Pickles still on the line. Should I be
(52:15):
hearing this? Okay, well Tim is actually the president's CEO
of so what I am? This is my company? Jeremy,
I'm sorry, not anymore, but it's I I was. I
was trying to it was going to be a family business. Jeremy,
You're sad. Floundering is just upsetting. Okay, I don't I
don't want it anymore, all right, So we're gonna have
(52:37):
to give it to Tim Pickles. That's just how it is.
Oh no, I mean, do you know anything about socks too? Yeah?
I got one on each of my balls. Right now.
That's not even where you put socks. That's where I
put socks, babe. While those socks are blowing you up
right now, everybody loves them. I'm wearing two pairs right now,
(52:59):
and I'm shoved him up my couch. It started sweating.
I needed something to put on. Yeah, that's what I
want to talk to you about. Um. When we were
trying to make love this afternoon, I couldn't. I couldn't
get in because of all the all the socks. I
just thought it would be like like we don't even
(53:22):
need condoms anymore. It's just like shove it up there,
you know what I mean? Hell yeah, hell yeah, hell yeah,
hell yeah. Mr Dooley, Yes, how are you sir? Very well?
Thank you? And now I know that we said in
two weeks time we'd have a presentation for you for
your lozenges that would make you the hottest thing since
the last Ebola epidemic. But I'm sorry to say that
(53:44):
we've had to shift gears and position our attention to
our sock company. And on the phone is Mr Pickles.
Let me just pew him in. Mr Pickles, are you there? Hey? Yeah,
I'm still at home in Missouri, just not leaving for
a while. Understood. Now we have a change direction. But
Mr Pickles still wants to work with you, Mr Dooley,
So why don't we go from there? Mr Pickles? Is
(54:06):
that Dave Pickles, Tim Pickles? Tim? I knew Dave Pickles
back in Wisconsin. It's probably no relation. We spell it,
we spell it unusually. How do you spell your U
P I G G L E S. Yeah, yeah, I
know that's not it different spelling for So you're the CEO.
(54:27):
You're CEE, the CEO of secrets. That's right, Littleton, Littleton
container you remember secrets from your childhood? Yeah, I'm very familiar. Yeah,
I don't know. You guys were still a thing, right,
Well we'd like to be a thing again, is really
what this is about? Well, i'd get those lives out
there now. Why everyone's sick? Right, I don't understand what
(54:48):
has to do with socks. But if we got to
pair up, if that's gonna help push this through. Hey,
Mr Dooley, I'm just cold calling you here. You don't
know me, but you might know my girlfriend. She's at
the lay See she's a big influence. Yes, now it's
been brought to my attention that you want to get
your products out there again, back in the market, back
(55:10):
in the market, back in the homes. Yes, well, I
could schedule a meeting with you and the Lacy and
you could discuss how we can make that happen for you.
Sooner the better. Will I have to refer to her
as the Lacey. It's up to her. Here she is now? Hello, Hello?
Is this the Lacey? Oh? So nice to meet you. Um.
(55:32):
Have you tried our product? I'm going to assume that
to know. Um, I'd like to send you sixteen cases
of secrets. You tell me what you think, and if
you'd like, we would greatly love to put you out
there as our spokesperson in any way, shape or form. Okay,
(55:53):
this is Tim Pickles. I'm not sure if I'm supposed
to be on this call. Jeremy, Jeremy, I listened to me. Okay, yes, father,
I don't know you brought your you brought your brother here?
What je did you bring your brother here? Jeremy, listen
to it. We were having to listen to me. Jeremy,
(56:16):
listen to answer my questions without talking. You understand answer, Jeremy,
don't talk, just answer my questions. You understand, Jeremy, I
got your back on this. Answer my questions without saying
a word. Do you get me? Jeremy? Goodbye, Jeremy. Don't
say a fucking word of this clown. Jeremy, listen to me.
Now you're possessed with a demon. This again, there's fifteen
(56:40):
thousand demons, and you understand that. Jeremy, don't answer me. Okay,
I need you to listen to me and answer me
with talking to understand. And now I'm listening to me.
I need to know what is your Social Security number?
Right now? What is it? Writer? Down quickly, let's say
tax id number? Tax id number there for W nine.
(57:06):
All right, pretty good, alright, fantastic. Do you have a
city license? Do you have a city license? Do you
have a city license? Well, it sounds like you're really
cleaning up during the virus Desmond, A lot of people
can say if they think it's a virus, but it's
it's actually a demon. Oh it's really just a demon.
Is that's what you're saying? All right? Yeah, people think it.
(57:27):
Look at the viruses. You got to go to a doctor,
got to go to lawyer. No, you just have to
come to a praise. That's where that the demon, not
the virus, would settle so much time in Italy where
the pope is. Oh yeah, it's crazy, what a weird speculation.
In fact, everything you're saying sounds like heresy. Well it's
not just what I'm saying and representing when I'm hearing
(57:47):
in the streets here in the street. Then let me
tell you this. I know what you're thinking. Just because
I got myself a tesla, just because I got myself
stalk in that stock company, does everyone's thinking I including
with something? Well, I'm not Lacy. You you look different
this morning. You vomitated green vomit all over the toilet. Baby.
(58:09):
Oh maybe you just had to scratch you throw Listen,
we gotta do that. Secrets add real quick on your
I G story. So I'll hit record and you just
take it away. Okay, you're you're a star. And three
two you play a secrette in your mouth. You want
to eat a crutch? Cool babe, man, your style is
(58:32):
so out there. I think it's gonna work. I think
it's gonna pick me at home at all. This is
Tim Pickles. No, No, Tim, we didn't pick you up.
That's a good thing. Hey, listen, because I was breathing
heavily into my microphone. I need to officially hang up
with you, Mr Pickles. Really okay, Like, I'm sure you
(58:54):
have a life you want to live. Man, this this
has been the best phone call of my life. Like
I just up a cold call marketing call, and now
I'm I'm the CEO of of ball Socks and Secrets.
And that's Seed three and our show for today. Oh man,
Tim Peckle's for the win. Let's thank all of our
(59:17):
alchemists and no particular order. Jazz cicall, thank you so
much for joining us from the confines of your home.
I trust the new puppy as well. It's still asleep somehow,
somehow is that possible? Somehow? Greatest nap ever. All right,
let's push our luck here and thank you again for
being here. Craig Katkowski, Yeah, hey, follow Orange Stucks Improv
(59:41):
because my wife Carla and I will be doing some
live streaming improv shows affiliate with west Side Comedy. So
also if you go to uh west Side Comedy Theater
online there there's gonna be a bunch of shows streaming.
It's the only way to stay sane while we're all
locked in. I couldn't agree with you more so I
just go to Westside Comedy dot Com and follow the
(01:00:03):
instructions there to find the streaming shows. I believe. So cool. Great,
Chris Abrodi, you're nodding? Is that? Is that how you
understand it? That's how I understand it too. I'm also
a part of a couple of shows there at the
West Side, so we appreciate your support in watching those shows.
West that Comedy dot Com. James Heeney, thanks again. What's
for showing us you do have more than four guitars?
(01:00:25):
Appreciate that very much. Yep, those of you wondering out
there here on the discord app we're we're seeing each
other's background and James uh looks like he's sporting uh. Finally,
five of those guitars is mine. The rest are my
wife's and actually one was signed by everybody at our wedding,
so it doesn't even have strings on it, and it
(01:00:46):
only has three signatures. No, there's a bunch of signatures.
Oh sorry, sorry, I can only see three. James. Thank
you for being here and working so hard with Mr
Doug Baine and putting all this together. Is greatly appreciated.
Joseph of Greer, same thing, west Side. Check out all
the live streams we're gonna be doing. I'm also doing
beef jerky tarot readings on my Instagram. Uh and uh
(01:01:09):
doing some weird ship on there because you know I'm
I'm bored as hell, so I'm trying to stave it off.
There's no off switch in Greer Town. Lights on all
time cool um and uh for me, I'll hook you
up at Costco. Senior's Day is Tuesdays and Thursdays. Just
get in line before thirty at the Marina del Rey Costco.
(01:01:32):
Look me up. I'll be there wearing some sort of
hat and glasses. Let's give major thanks and props to
our engineering producer, Mr Doug Baine. Please write to us.
I greatly appreciate hearing from all of you, especially in
times like these. Your name here at Alcomy this dot com.
That's your name here dot com until next time. And
(01:02:00):
a football pepper and a football pepper fello