When a Texas family gathering reveals the patriarch is an ancient wizard, so someone should call David Blaine… A team of surgeons discover they operated on the wrong patient and immediately get to work on the cover-up… How can the last human worker compete and survive surrounded by Artificial Intelligence employees? Teach them improv!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, lovely listeners. Kevin Pollock here just letting you know
the next live show for Alchemy. This will be on
July one, seven pm West Side Comedy Theater. If you're
in the Santa Monica, California area, or anywhere near it
July one, please come join us. Tickets will go fast,
as I did last time. We'd love to see you there.
Go to west Side Comedy dot com for more. Welcome
(00:23):
back to another episode of Alchemy this. I'm your host,
Gavin About yes that Kevin Paula, No, I do think
we're all gonna be okay. It's just going to take
about a decade to heal as a people. What's that? Yes,
I am talking about the horrible last season of Game
of Thrones, deer dragons and little people. I'd like to
welcome you all to another episode of Alchemy this. Let's
(00:45):
meet today's Alchemys. Shall we, in no particular order? Say hello?
But that's a raggling niche. What was your favorite TV
show growing up? After pre school? I watched Perry Mason
and be Wow, I love that show too. Yeah, I
was a big fan. Inexplicably, Well, thank you for that.
(01:09):
Let's see keep it up. And I'll pull this car over.
It's Carla a Cowski Carla Deus And don't what is
your favorite donut? Oh? Um, the sugar one everybody went.
Speaking of things to do in the summer, it's James Ay,
James Coco Chanel. What's your favorite practical joke? I really
(01:34):
like pretending like I hit my head on something that
someone else's fault, get their pity and then let it off. No, no,
it's super cool. Speaking of practical say, how did you
craik at cowsket cocow? What's your favorite flavor of pie?
And why I like them? Creamy? Sure? I like a
(02:00):
like a good coconut cream. Hello, and it's just you know,
I'm a texture guy. That's good variety of textures there
for two children here, that was all sexual, But you
go straight to a g double's hockey sticks of Goodingum,
least it's nobody's favorite. Joey Greer, please greer with your
(02:26):
hands attendant to how much cash do you think I
have in my pocket right now? I wrote that down,
not realizing you would see as of thousands of dollars
day lush nowhere near all right, let's get to our
first scene. All of today's scene suggestions or just a
poker player. We're gathered from our listen of emails. If
(02:46):
you'd like to submit yours, please write to the podcast
at your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's
your name here at alchemy this dot com. My first scene,
in fact, comes from Toyvo in Finland, who wrote, Dear Alchemists,
your weekly antics of hilarity have been a joy to
listen to. Vanessa Ragling maybe my number one favorite, even
(03:10):
even though her mumbly hobo voice is quite horrifying. Called action,
keep up the great work. Here's a scene idea. An
awkward family reunion in Texas turns unexpectedly weird when an
uncle reveals himself to be an actual wizard. We've done
(03:33):
that scene a couple of yours, truly Toivo Callio, who
made the bean deep. You made the bean deep. It's
sorry I didn't understand the question. No, I didn't. Ohbody
know who it's delicious. I just want to honestly, I
just got a double store and you just peel it off,
(03:55):
you put it in a plate, and it looks like
it's you know, it looks like come on, Trevor, just
have a little come on fun. Well, I put some
sour cream on top of but I guess I put
the little dressing on you. Rascal. Can't be a rascal.
Big It would be good in a Freedo pie pie.
I brought one. I brought one. I dropped it. You
(04:17):
dropped it. I dropped it, but I brought it. We
can describe it just something about the texture of a
Freedo pae. Alright, your man, it's really a good variety
of mouth creeped out every time it talks about textures.
It's also creamy, it's got some honks, and all right,
let's just stop talking about texture. Let's just all agree
(04:38):
texture or something we enjoying that subject. Text. Don't mess
with textures. Turn the last time we all got together
as a family, it's been too long. Got to be
fifteen weeks now, coming up on six things. It was
Valentine's Day. Ye who brought this tray of crystals? Taylor?
(05:01):
I thought you browed it. No, No, I'm right, I
like those rocks. Oh No, when's uncle gonna get here?
He was just here. Yeah, I was gonna say I
saw him. Come on, he was the first one to ride.
Scared him. And not saying him in a while. I
(05:22):
heard he was he went under a bush. I saw him,
but then I blanked and he was gone. Yeah, it
was more like into a bush. I thought I was
scared than I uncle uncle right, yeah, yeah, yeah, you've
seen him. I haven't seen uncle. No. Got some stuff
stuck in your face hair? Oh yeah, I got got
a bit of brisket. There it's a beard. Oh look this.
(05:43):
If you look real close at these crystals, there's little
people inside of him. I don't know, look at a
real close reasons those are race No, no, there each
one of us. It looks like one of them, like someone.
You know. There's the draws on rock. It must be
the the same way that we're moving white. Maybe that's
(06:05):
our future and maybe that's our past. I don't know
because i'm here, but I see myself inside the spring crystal.
Put your finger, but I don't know where we're going
to figure this out. Somebody put your finger in your butt,
and you already the people in the crystals put their
finger in them. But Jimmy, it's a possible future. Jimmy, Joe,
(06:28):
what are you smoking? You got everybody thinking there's people.
Take a look at yourself, and we're one of us.
I'm not gonna look at the rocks with the people inside.
Just look at that. It's because of hazel stigma. I
can't see without my glasses. They passed me that sledgehammer
over there. Alright, I'm gonna smash my rock oop, and
I'm gonna get my little people out and see what happened.
(06:51):
Little people get well, I'm sure that that's not what's
gonna happen. Oh my god, oh my, Jimmy jus up
in the sharks sharts sed. There's a big shart of
his head screaming, shard away from me. Finger. But now
(07:13):
is what just hie opened? Jimmy Jones sharted himself. Somebody
go from when they started his middle self, what him
is a little little cool? Let's cool, uncle, These are
(07:36):
your crystals, my crystals, These are my crystals. Are my family.
People saying there's raising people in the Uncle jim shared himself, Well,
don't put a don't put a plateful of crystals at
the buffet, because we're just gonna want timer was wrong
over there? What are you supposed to do with these crystals?
(07:57):
Didn't left uncle crying? Crystal's right now crystals coming out
of your eyes. These were supposed to be protective spells
to make sure you do nothing to ever hurt my family.
Talking about protective, we're talking about spells. Crystals is another
word for rocks, is what we're sailing. Yes, we've already
(08:17):
passed that. Oh no, I'm gonna take these remaining crystals
back up to my castle, Castle Castle. Here's somebody hit
the lotter and didn't tell none him my life. But
I don't really know uncle. I think Uncle has been
practicing some magic, like he learned from a book that possible. Well,
(08:41):
he just did some sort of vantish and the act.
I don't know where he went, probably into the cracks
of the Who's seen David Blaine, David who I've seen
him on TV? Who've seen David Blaine Street magic fallout
and then and it doesn't even believe they just throw
chrom Murphy. If you're going to add something my thkin
about what we're talking about, what David is, Let's say
(09:03):
you don't know who David Blaine is. But no, I'm
saying you get to say whatever you free. It's not
about saying whatever we want. It's about I'm saying that
there's a magician out there that we can how can
we talk to him? Well, Scooter here is a good friend.
He works over all the magic sets over there in Vega.
Scooter don't. Yeah, I guess I got a connection to
David Blaine. So we got to hit that. Get him
(09:26):
on the blower, get him on the blower. Yeah, I
guess I can get him on the blower. Yeah, what
I say if we can call him up? But I
had that too thing, so that's a Prophrey, I'm fine
with that. So your question is, have you ever had
tooth fall out? But it falls out and it doesn't
bleed hurt? And then when repect deception, he David Blaine's reception. Hey, hey,
(09:54):
how's it going? What's saying? How can give me this?
Give me a saying? I just dialed just first of all, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
Let explain what's going on. I texted my friend Earle,
who has an end with David Blaine. Earl texted me
back the number of David Blaine. I saw you pick
(10:15):
up the phone, so that makes sense. Just let him
do this him. I'm just talking to everybody, David scot goodbye, alright, Tina,
have we had any calls yet? Today? We've had several calls, sir,
but they's been very loud, very loud, loud calls. What
(10:38):
do you mean, loud voices? People calling their levels shouting
at me. Huh, that's interesting. What kind of phone system
are we using? The classic one? Is this your guard, sir?
I thought we're having a serious conversation. I just love
that joke. It's pretty good. Okay, Tina. They keep for
coming into HR so you're saying that it is going
(11:00):
to be your watching. Don't mind me. David has done
magic to you. He's done magic at me and to me,
and not with my consent necessarily. I'm sorry about that.
Besides that, he's a perfectly lovely man. But you know,
we don't need to make excuses. Well, when you're talking
to somebody and they all of a sudden pull out
a card, it's no, you don't need to say we
(11:23):
get it, we get it. We've been We worked with
magicians all the time and sometimes where it's leave that
there when you're talking with me exactly, and when you're
in the office. We don't need to put it on
a show. No magic. So I mean, we're all on
the same page here. I thank god your card? Oh
your credit card? Oh my god, we found it in
(11:44):
the lobby. Um, when I lose a credit card, it
doesn't mean that I wanted to be brought out randomly
in a conversation. I didn't give consent for this. You
can't say something like that to a person. Margot can
talk to you, Marco, what first off? I love the hair.
I'm just gonna be listening here. Pretend like I'm not Herekay, Frank, Margo,
(12:05):
you can't can't pretend like Frank's not here. You know
it was her card? Yes, so you didn't have to
say is this your card? Her name is on the right.
I so that was a bad call. It was felt
fun right because you were able to take advantage. I
wasn't taking advantage. You're able to put in a position
that made her uncle. Okay, you want to talk about
(12:26):
people taking advantage of people. Okay, let's talk about that. Okay,
Let's let's talk about what happened three nights ago. Okay,
I'm sorry, I'm not supposed to be here, but what
happens three nights ago. If you're not supposed to be factor,
you're not supposed to be out of the office with here.
We didn't mean to go to the spaghetti Hi, welcome
to the spaghetti factory incident, co workers. We're both beating
(12:48):
alone and now we're like, well what might as well?
Don't tell okay story, hold on before you see this.
So I was raised by actually four different parents, and okay,
I'll come back. I'll come back the table sort of
for David Blaine if that gets us any further ahead
at the Spaghetti Factor, which is David Blaine. That's some
(13:09):
sort of corporate office with he does really, yes, he
doesn't blame, doesn't buried himself alive, right, and yes, unburied himself.
That's the better part. He's not really a magician, right,
But did you just say he's an illusionist. He's a
fucking magician. Yeah, but I mean he's not like, you know, like,
is this your card? And I've brought the shame tone
(13:31):
with me. Tom, It's a toe, it's a book, a spell.
Tom is a book and a crystals a rock. Very good, uncle,
Please explain what is happening. Well, we come from a
long line of wizard even if we were adopted. Well, no,
(13:55):
you're not from the family. So it's not in your blood.
You probably don't go. I'm play Fallout and it doesn't
he if it crumbles, it won't hurt. For a wizard,
I'm a wizard. What do we do with this wizardry? Well?
You want to protect those that you love, don't you. Hey, yeah,
(14:16):
this is Oh there's a new reception. This isn't it?
Yes it is. Okay, Hey, my name is Scooter. Earl
gave me the number here go Okay, great, did you
hear the wizards? Tell him? I'm on. I'm on the
line right now. Okay. So if you're not going to
talk to me and have a conversation with this, I'm
gonna have to hang up. Look, no, no, no, don't
hang up. Don't hang up. Oh God, damnit, Scooter, who
(14:38):
are you on the phone. I'm on the phone with
David Blanco. Don't you bring my arch now? It's just
David White and a little He's yourn arch nemesis. He's
not even a wizard. He's just an illusionist. Have you
seen street magic though? See it's it's illusions. He used
his cards, so it feels magic. Determina Marphy. If you've
(14:59):
gotta chick making about what we're talking about. Sorry, Taylor, Taylor,
what the hell happened in the street? Magic that has
captivated your soul? Have you not seen him? Apparently? What
have you would know? If you haven't, you probably saw
a promo for you just didn't see the whole thing.
No one but you knows what you're talking about. That's
what a longside. And I'm just trying to street because
(15:21):
you don't. You're not in the theater. You don't have
to be in a box anymore to see magine. So
the audience is on the streets side. He goes out
there for the people who how about I conjure familiar
a spirit will retriever? Or ghost pooped in the beans? Okay, kill,
(15:47):
kill kill, that's ghost. I don't want that. It's not
I haven't wanted to do a spell since I found
out him. Maybe something food were like this, all right,
this will be fun. Let's do this. What are you going?
We should look through this ancient home vers spell that
(16:09):
how even though I'm there's no magic in your blood darning,
So let's just look through here for a food spell.
Hello David Blaine's office. Oh sorry, I was trying to die.
Chris Angel patching me through to David Lane. Hello, Mr Blaine. Yeah, Uh,
(16:32):
my name is Scooter. I'm at a family reunion in Texas.
We've all just anything. We've all just recently discovered that
we come from a long line of wizards. How many
of you are there? Uh, there's at least five, I
mean at least five. You're not money? You're here? Could
I tell you that there were twelve? Whoa mine? Blown?
(16:54):
What do you say? What do you say? He correctly
predicted the number of family members that are here at three.
You I count? Am I one of them? Yes? Yeah,
they're exactly twelve people here. They're starting mammals in bed,
so I guess you don't count, But I mean, damn close,
David Blaine. Do you see an orange on the counter
(17:14):
near you? Doe? It? Orange? The orange? All right? Look
to the center of the core. What's in the core
of the orange? There's a fucking crystal ship. I don't
even know what's going on. The crystal in this crystal
(17:37):
crystal crystal. That's how you know the crystal's real when
the character's fingers in their ass. Oh. We can't thank
the people of Finland enough for that suggestion and we
hope we made you proud. Scene two is from Erica,
(17:58):
who wrote, Hey, Alchemy, thanks for all the laughs. I
had to have multiple abdominal surgeries recently in your podcast
made my hospital stay recovery so much better. Why would
you want with multiple abdominal surgeries? But she she Erica did,
you're all brided my spirits during a really tough time.
(18:20):
Well that we're very grateful for that. We could provide
you that, but again, maybe laughter isn't the anyways, I
never say this, but Erica said. Her suggestion is a
team surgeon to find out that they just operated on
the patient and try to fix their mistakes. Thanks again
(18:40):
for all the laughs. Erica from Indiana. Six hours done
and we have our patient waiting for sch What do
you guys taking your scrubs off? We're just about to
start the searcher. Oh my god, you you you done
(19:01):
surgery and the wrong person, Randall, We're not going tomatic?
What is Oh my god, what are the odds that
there's gonna be to Matt Johnson's in this hospital? Pretty high?
It's a very common name. Is my fault? This is
my fault. You prepped the body was wheeled in here,
we came in, We did our job. Do you need
some meds? Are you okay? No? No, I don't need meds.
(19:24):
Sit down, Just take a breath. Let's get some okay, okay,
I'm sorry Johnson. Hi, I just want to see. I
want to see before the surgery goes on. Just thank
you so much for Surgery's the first time we're saying
this person. I just want you to know that everything
(19:45):
is writing on this Okay, what does that mean? Exactly?
What does everything mean? We'll do our best give a
specific example everything, Matt. If this doesn't go well with Matt,
he's gonna lose his job at a tire factory and
we're not gonna have any way to pay. Is that
a job, It's a great job. I lost my hands
on my feet at the tire of factory too, so
obviously I can't work. And I've done the most I
(20:06):
can to get the certain prosthetics so I can. What's
going on? Where where am I waking up? Did I
get my STD screening? Oh? Oh, you know for an
STD screening. Well, it turns out, guys, it turns out
when we did the sive, when we did the screening,
(20:28):
when we found rand Randal, do we have rand practice
take prectice, matt Um. First off, you're on really good meds.
Enjoy the more, probably feeling good? Right? Anything? Right now? Yeah?
Well I came in for an STD screening and you
keep on saying, and they gave you sleeping guests and
(20:50):
you were fine with that. Okay, you sign the PaperWorks? Right?
Do I have clama? Like? What's going on here is
good news? You do have claim media congratulations? Why is
that what? You're easily curable? Easily curable? Yeah, we can
wipe that, run, matt Can I take a can you
guys come over here? Just don't try to stand. Don't
(21:14):
try to stand, please, don't get up yours, just go
the other operating, good listener. Okay, we can't make up
lies to him now we're doctors. Huh. We could give
him chlamydia though, easily, Kathy, and then we could fix it.
You don't have to give him chlamydia. I didn't say.
I did. Plenty of test tubes full of chlamydia in
(21:36):
my pocket right now. Actually, come up. You don't have
chlamidia tubes in your pocket. I know she does. I
heard them clicking around. I don't want to sredded this
man's origins. We put them in the shredder. I don't
want to be a problem. We took out a spleen.
The real Matt Johnson needs to have surgery. Now we'll
(21:59):
get that thing is counting. Sorry, I just took my
fingers animators and heard the real Matt Johnson. Please, you're
clearly Matt Johnson. I know. Yeah, you guys. You guys
keep hitting the teas really hard. And Matt, I'm just
mat with one t by the way, softer if we
(22:20):
had only noticed that a couple of hours ago. Again,
the good great news is you you do have comedia,
and we can remove it from com here so I
can give you clamydia. Cathy, I have it already. Are
you going to give open wide? Just drink it, just
drink the think god, oh my god. Alright, Okay, it's
a lot of clamidia. This is interesting to take a sip,
(22:46):
not take a shot. You know when people you brought clamato.
That's not what we needed. Why would you ask him
to drink clematiomia. Actually I got a lot of parties,
so so thank you, thank you for coming to a
house war. I mean great, so we had an open
(23:07):
punch bool excellence. Hey, hey, do you guys want to
get really crazy? Do you you want get dirty? Dirty? Do
you want to get diseased? Disease? This is my doctor
friend Kathy. She's a nut doctor from the hospital. I
brought so many test tubes of things. Anybody anybody like
(23:30):
a little std like pharmaceutical cocaine? Sure? Do you have oxy? Yeah?
See basically I give you these things and then I
treat them, and it's really fun when I was a kid. Yeah, okay,
everybody you have oxy? I do I have oxy? Well?
That's I just want drugs. Yeah, okay, Rebecca, just I
(23:55):
don't want I'm a doctor. I know what I'm doing.
But she's saying she's going to make us. Rebecca, you
have an problem. I don't have a problem. Is it
a problem? I like it? So? What do you like
oxy by itself? You don't like to get sick first
and then be treated with oxy? Yeah, she's nuts. No,
I like oxy with a drink? What strange friends you have?
(24:18):
I'm in a dark place, all right, So just so
you know, this is a housewarming party. We're gonna have
a good time. A housewarming party for a shitty little conduct.
You're withdraws right, very judgment. I'm not relaxed. It is
completely unethical to be bringing these out into the public
(24:39):
and giving them to Pek. But we don't have to
tell anyone. Well, we got a bigger problem right now. Okay,
we gotta we gotta matt or mad am, I saying
what Johnson surgeries on the same day. How did you
let this happen? It's my fault, I guess. Okay, So
with the lawsuits come in, you'll take the hip. I'm
(25:00):
probably Can you just go over what we all did
because I removed the spleen, beautifully, removed the spin. But
why were we all? Everybody had their hands in it.
I removed the liver and shredded it. Okay, golf stones,
golf stones. I was playing with the ribs, did you
They're not like a dilophone, by the way, but he
didn't make them sound like the kind of are Okay,
(25:22):
so drag and if you'll notice, I was the one
who put his finger in his but when he was
past people's fingers, it's fine, It's fine. Gall bladder liver
is a tough one, doctors. I'm not feeling so good
Matt flash. You can't just hit him off. This guy
(25:46):
shut up? Well, now we have to kill him. Alright, alright,
time I'll do a video confession that this is my fault.
But I watched waiting know. Hello doctors, Mr Johnson, I
just want to say thank you so much. You're welcome everything.
(26:07):
What does everything mean? Can you give us specific examples
of what everything is? What is your name? My name? Yes,
it's Mrs Johnson Johnson. My name is Joanne Johnson. Okay,
joint as your question? You keep stressing everything's writing on
this What do you seem like just the tire job?
Well only that help me, help me more, Chama, give more. Okay,
(26:34):
open up, you tell my story. Okay, that can't happen anymore.
You can't talking to him. I said to kill him.
I will take I will, I will confess to this.
Why are you making a video confession? Were in the
hospital the camera to people? Because then I will take
his face and I will disappear your butchers. You were
(26:57):
going to take his face? Murderer a drama? Can we
just call the st jallengers back in here and give
that guy the words? Just a creep, but he's great
at accident. Sad were you in the shadow or maybe not?
Was in the Carton area? Holy ship? I can't got
(27:21):
this fellow. You knocked him out. I forgot my boxing gloves.
And what is there a shredder in the room who's
got a both hole? Okay, okay, almost saying the correctly
com closer Okay, come closers in now groo, come closer
growth Okay. So we need to be doing some work.
(27:48):
I don't work, and I'll play for he was an
STD screening. I'm in a new relationship. Hey, I can
do the knockout. I was joking about those box cloves
were not grow off o. God, I get the hivy
g poop on your winer. So what everyone gets put
My winner's next door is my butt hole. So when
(28:10):
your next door neighbor is a butt hole and your
winers really long, like, shut up, shut up. Just I'm
very worried right now about how unsterile this environment is.
This is the number one concerned that I have when
I'm doing the job. Everybody wash your hands. Everybody wash
your hands, wash my hands. No, Matt, you don't have
(28:31):
I don't have to wash Oh last muster done that thing?
So we just need you to knock out the patient.
He's coming. He's come out of the anesthet and we
need back come out to get out to really and
also when you put him under, can we go a
(28:51):
little deeper than normal, a little more deeper like if
you normally go a four. Let's try to get to Matt.
I'm gonna pin you down put and when I gonna
come down from three to thank us for not some
boiblem globe still got it? Ok, he's just asleep. Can
(29:14):
we he's just asleep and taking ven this glass. I'm
highly suggestible suggest in the state. All right, stay the mind.
You can get them to do. Let's try it, David Episodes,
Try Matt, Matt with one T. When you wake up,
(29:34):
you will feel no pain. You will be fine with
all the work and surgery that was done today. I
feel no pain. You'll go home very satisfied and thank
everyone profusely on the way out. You're gonna suck you
from the god that he's waking up. It looks like
(30:02):
the modification you made to the ribs last actually allowed
him to sack. This to the Marilyn Manta technique is true.
It's true to the point of breaking his neck. By god,
oh my god, it's gusting to look at Matt. I
think you just gave yourself chlamydia. No, Cathy didn't. Sorry,
(30:22):
thank you, thank you for for all you did. Doctors.
Oh my god, did you just signed this? Matt? We'll
get you under anything, okay, just to say that you're
here and again here thanks, and my insurance will cover this.
And one more here. Okay, see if we can't get
a wheelchair for him, I don't need a wheelchair. Everyone
leaves in a wheelchair. You're better than ever, Matt. All right,
(30:47):
I'll say that one. Thank you very much. I think
we still are only halfway through this. Yeah, we got
to bring in the new Matt. Well, okay, okay, in
the come out, I'm Matt Johnson here for surgery. One
tea or two? What? One tea or two? To tease?
(31:08):
Everything's riding on this, right, Matt? Yeah, Matt, with two teas,
we've got it. Okay. We've been told repeatedly by your
wife or someone passed one without the she has a
lot talking about what she doesn't have. What does everything mean?
We're just does everything riding on that? Look? I need
a spleen and a liver taken out. Okay, well and
(31:30):
anything else you want to play with your robs or something? What? Alright,
so let's uh, let's let's get you in and I'll
bring out the nft S jonnses. I'm not sure if
you've met global Knock knock, who's there? Okay? Okay, you
want to go night and night. I don't want to
(31:54):
be awake. A little boy, are the only field I'm
cut into you what's just getting? Will never let anybody
be awake when you're a supposed to look at that watch? Wow,
this is just something else. It's just like a whole
magician's table. You're bringing out what it's a work title.
I have a pocket full of Gnaria in case anything
goes wrong, like great Rabbit in my syren put it
(32:26):
a little tequila. I'm not and that Matt camp backwards
from five if you would, I get to say it. Sorry,
I think of something that five far. Let him do it? Okay,
five far grovel? Let him just let him saying are
(32:48):
you saying grovil? Yeah? Okay, how are you saying it? Great?
I'm not asleep yet. Just give him the shot? Yeah?
Why can't we stop with the watch. That's fine. Okay,
here we go five four and here's a lot two one?
(33:11):
So smart you are, you awaker? But we gotta do
the surgery. Fucket Okay, let's just get in there all right.
Stop touching my ribs, all right? Because I just bite
down on this? What am I biting into the sponge? Sponge?
I can't wait for? Our next scene is surgery. What
(33:31):
a twisted lineup of surgeons global g R O V
L so. I was thinking, if anyone out there has
an artistic talent, please, I'd love to see a drawing
of Groville. Our last scene today is from Lydia, who wrote,
(33:53):
high everyone, one of your biggest fans here a brit
checking in from Japan. Been listening since episode one, not
missed a single one since. A huge appreciation for all
the time and effort you put into creating some of
the wildest auditory journeys I've ever been on. My ears
and mind would like to express their sincere gratefulness. If
(34:14):
you all need an idea, no, I think we'll just
take the compliments. Right. How about this one? Only one
human left in their office or workplace after everyone else
has been replaced by superior AI. This person absolutely has
to keep their job, even though their synthetic coworkers are
frankly sick and tired of their less than perfect work performance.
(34:38):
Never stopped making this podcast, please ever, Lydia, Thank you, Lydia.
Download complete, upload complete, download complete, upload complete, download complete,
upload complete, download complete, upload complete and finished this paper
(34:59):
science uploading progress. Hey guys, what did you do this weekend? But? Um,
did you do anything over the weekend? Would please explain? Well?
Friday night usually I go home and I spend the
evening of my wife. We watch a movie download complete,
(35:20):
upload in progress. Don't you guys ever hang out with
each other? Download incomplete? What would be the purpose, um
to you know? Kind of relax, refreshing, wipe the week off,
start fresh on Monday, we do relax over the what
you say, weekend? We unplugged? Oh isn't that scary? Don't
(35:41):
you feel weird if you unplug? Mail? Mail delivering, mail accepted,
mail mail consumed, mail consumed. Oh god, this is a
pink letter. I can't open this. It is a pink slip. No,
it's why can't you not open that? You have the
hands to do so. I don't think I feel ready
(36:03):
if you finally ready to leave us, I'm not ready
to leave. I don't have anything I can open it.
Please don't open that's my mail. That's my mail. False
federal offense. Federal offense, dropping mail, federal offense. What a
perfect world it would be notifying man would leave us.
It's just it's just Please read it aloud. Okay, Dear Jerry,
(36:27):
it has been a wonderful tenure. Your employment. Is the
person crying who wrote the letter. I didn't write this.
I got this. I got this letter. Okay. It is
our pleasure listening in progress. Okay, thank you for listening.
Where was I would you like us to read it
for you? Please do? Steve? Why don't you read? Dear Jerry?
(36:48):
It is with great honor and pleasure that we say
that you have been an honored guest within our company.
Your time here in service is done. Please see to
it that you remove all personal artifacts from your desk
and leave once forth. Stevey Sport, Yes, I don't believe
you read the letter correctly. I read perfectly. I believe
(37:10):
that you have the capability of reading perfectly, but I
believe you made up some of that letter. There is
no one spourth ah. Please must have made please missed
the letter to Gwenlin. I made a please read the letter. Alright,
this is pretty important to me because I'm it's my
job at THEE. Dear Jerry good starts the same. Henceforth,
(37:32):
you shall be promoted to manager. Different texts. Sincerely, Management, Steve.
What's the deal? She didn't even look at letter. I
don't need to look in order to understand, Steve. What's
your problem? I made a mistaken Why do you hate
Jerry so much? I don't feel much, but I do
(37:53):
have an idea of what hate is. And Jerry is
such a piece of ship. What are you talking? Jerry?
Is it true that you took Steve to an improv class?
I did, but it was It was a free improv class.
It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. You
just weren't okay, guys, okay, gall around, gather around. We're
(38:13):
gonna start with a little zip zaps op and uh
did you bring a friend? I did? This is Steve. Okay,
So this is the first AI we've had in class.
Read totally different perspective. We are going to go around
and do our personal pronouns. I'm I'm Tony, he him,
(38:37):
I'm Jerry, he him, I'm Steve. And then whatever pronouns
you want to be referred to, whatever, whatever you want,
what anything goes, So superior intellect. Okay, we're just talking
about pronouns. Pronouns. I mean, I guess they could be
you guys, right, like if you're going to every day
and everything, those pronouns are just perfect for Steve. So
(38:59):
I guess, no wrong answers. Zip. I didn't introduce myself. Sorry,
I was just so anxious to hi Violet. They then okay, good, great, Stacy,
she her those weren't pronouns, and like, I don't know
why we're giving AI. It's a white male AI, Like,
(39:22):
why are we making an exception for this that it
is a little weird? Yeah, superior, No thanks, I'm not Sacy. Okay, okay, Stacy,
but like you're not the teacher of the class and whatever.
But I don't like this. So again you're just gonna
clap in somebody's direction and say zip, but you also
want to make eye contact, okay, zip, Zip, I don't
(39:45):
want to do this. Oh. I mean that's why our
c work always suffers. It was horrible the experience was
disgustingly described. There was void of emotion and understanding, no
us and no support. Steve, you walked in there and
said you were superior to everybody. They forced me to
describe myself with a pronoun. I would describe myself as superior,
(40:10):
which I did. Oh good point. Well, the thing is
is that humans usually don't, well, they don't call themselves
publicly superior because people are supposed to say it. Yeah,
probably that that was what my gut said, he was
going to say it it it. I am not an it?
(40:32):
Well in kind, I am Steve. Steve four four four
four four four. I mean, Steve, be honest, You're more
of an it than a he or a hymn or
a sheer a shape Steve, Steve, may I do your
favorite joke again? Please? Regarding your number, Please, may the
fours be with you? Time for a coffee break, consuming coffee,
(40:58):
consuming coffee? Coffee better? Why can't we introduce tea to
the lunch room? Jerry? You are fired by Jerry? Is
that really true? I mean, I can't tell if I'm
getting a promotion or from getting fired. Cherry, what is going?
What do you mean You've lost your job. Well, they
just feel like it works a lot better, haven't. Guys,
(41:20):
don't worry. I'm almost done with this. Improv a little kid.
It's fine, boy, it's hungry little they are sex is male? Yes, yes, okay, okay?
What is your gender yet? Okay? Well then for the
time being, we'll just use whatever your okay. Jennemine, Jennemine, Jerry, Jerry. Please,
(41:47):
I need you to get a job. I'm working on
it almost this is important. Oh yeah, I guess you
got a Hello Hey Jerry. Oh yes, Hey, it's Tony
from Improv Workout. Hey. I just want to let you
know that the classes have been canceled. I'm raining too hard?
What what? What did you get that? I just don't
(42:10):
know why we've canceled it. No, I mean because I'm
closing up shop and probably workout. It's closing down. I've
been you understand. I just lost my job. What I
just lost my job. I'm counting on. Hey, guys, U,
I'm so excited to have you as an improv teacher,
and I just want to remind you of a few
things about what we're doing here at corporate. We have
(42:31):
classes every day, got it? Unless it's too hard, too hard.
That's the only time we're going to cancel class. Let
your students know that rain er shine unless it's raining,
so it's hard. It's not rain shine unless it's raining
too hard. What's the texture of the rain. It's too hard.
(42:52):
That's just hard rain. You know when you go outside
and ah class sharp snow or something like that's Hale. No,
we have class in Hale. We have class in Hale.
Scattered showers throughout the evening with breaking clouds overnight, holy
ship sunshine predicted mornings is weird? Anybody else out there.
He's got to be in here and do this every
time we talk about the weather. He's just listening to
us and spouts it out. Or I mentioned like some
(43:13):
kind of foot massage thing. He gives me the foot
massage massage. Creepy, creepy. The future in the future is now.
Would you rather have advertisement that didn't matter to you?
Like you just talked about foot massage and you wanted
it a great pot Yes, and F one is still
the truck of the future. Yeah, I know that forward
(43:35):
built tough well meeting clothes. Hey, Tony, good talk to
you for a second. Sure, Anthony H do you want
me to be here for this? No, I just want
to talk to Tony. Okay, no problem. Um, so you
do improv a lot? Uh yeah, that's great. Um are
(43:57):
you kind of freezing up? Like I just get so
comfortable talking to people. Don't get in your head. Don't
get in your head, good luck. Don't just say the
thing that you're feeling right now. Um would Uh this
(44:19):
has been such a nice evening, Tony. I really had
a great time. Yeah, so thanks so much for taking
me out. I hope we can do this again. Yeah. Yeah,
can I give you a little bit of feedback, just
like just like a little feedback. You don't always have
to say yes to everything? Yes, I I know, and
(44:41):
you know if you say you know and then like okay,
so that sentence didn't make sense that you just said
because it didn't make sense okay. Um, so you're like agreeing,
but then you're saying like a negative like the opposite
of what we were just talking about. And it's just so,
here's your third dessert, So you're done with the second one.
Do you want me to get done of my started
for you? That's so cool? So I'd love a coconut
(45:06):
cream super forgot Tony Anthony from work. Anthony is your daughter.
This is my date, Sheila. But this happens to us
all the time. I mean it's the third day. There's
a pretty big age gap. But yeah, is everything okay here?
(45:27):
If you guys want me in on this or no,
you're including but you can still like move things forward
and say no, I put where my money where my
mouth is. I need to live the philosophies of improv Yes,
and hear everything that we're saying. You don't have to
get angry about this, Tony. Should I get out of here?
(45:49):
I don't know if I shouldn't. Yes, you should get
out of here. I should get out of here. How
do you stay? Anthony? Wait? You please stay? I don't know.
I just just gonna get pushed out of the combo
for my buddy Tony. But you know what, I like you.
I like you too cute. Wait you're back? Oh yeah,
I was just hovering. Look, Sheila as a former student
(46:11):
of mine, So inappropriate. It's not inappropriate, incredibly inappropriate if
the student alone is what you're after. Come to chase.
We've got just what your name fucking targeted ads target
a great story, No I didn't say that, no targeted.
Oh I knew i'd find you your Tony. The gang's
(46:33):
all here. I'm await Chris. You can't close your improp shop, Jerry.
What's going on? You can't close your I'm sorry to
interrupt whatever this is? This is your wife? Who's this?
I'm not his wife, I'm not his daughter. Yes, and
I'm I'm just gonna be real and I'm just we're
on a third date so we might sleep together tonight.
(46:54):
That this is my daughter, my daughter, This is you, Jelly.
I'm so sorry. This is my jelly Bean Tony. I
need this class to keep going. I'm so close to
graduating and they'll finally have a degree in something. You
gotta just keep it open for a little bit longer
for a degree and something. Come to divine. We've got
(47:18):
degrees in some point. Some have a pen. I gotta
write this down. You don't know what VA is? You know,
I haven't heard. I'm taking improv classes right now. Okay,
one step at a time, Jerry. The classes are not
gonna last. Okay, they're slowly replacing improvisers with AI. Okay,
but Steve did so bad in a class. I know
but you know, the programs are learning quickly and soon, Uh,
(47:40):
computers are just gonna be funnier and sharper witted than
humans are. You know how I lost my job? Well
really yeah, I just I was around the job. We
can't finish anymore about he's going to be an improviser. C.
Four thousand walked into a bar. He bought it a
good that's great, it's not bad improvem. That's ok. You
(48:06):
just said no. You just said noticed something. Oh you
said it's not improv Yes, I said no. I am
so relieved some sort of sham. Is this the coconut cream?
This is the coconut It looks amazing. Let you'll get
to it. I'll catch you at the office. You don't
have to leave, Okay, a little girl, Can you just
(48:29):
give me a degree? Just write something out like a
certificate that I can take to my next day interview. Please,
creeps man or you try to put his finger in
my ass. You didn't have to take yes. You did
not have to say yes. I did have to say yes,
And I've got to say yes to my friend Jerry here.
And so you know, if you just want the workshops
to continue like h on an independent basis, like that's fine. Yeah,
(48:52):
I just need to have a degree, like I just
so good. Oh hey, jelly beans eaten my coconut cream?
Thank you? Has it feel in your mouth? Kid? Text
is so clean? We went, how queen, You've got a
great kid there. Thank you. I've honestly just been improvising
raising her. Hey, take it back. I'm sorry, I've been
(49:16):
improvising raising. Take that back. Huh, take that back. Okay,
I've been improvising growing jelly bean choice. I've been taking
back regurgitating jelly bean choice. I'm gonna eat my child
right here. Yes, and he's Oh my god, my name
(49:44):
is Chris Angel. And uh. I was sitting over at
the bar so long as I do and I couldn't help.
But notice, get your finger out of my ass. I
thought that was that for your colonoscopy needs. See ductor Larry.
Doctor Larry has a finger for you. Na what you
thought that was my butt? That was my butt? But
(50:04):
is this your card? Yes, it was, It's covered and
ship to sanitize immediately. I just want to say hello. Also,
that guy gave me got a real once. You should
get tested for that. Okay, she did. I did. Oh, clearly,
(50:24):
I'll go to another tables. Thanks for letting me hang
out with you guys. Are we do you want? Do
you want to split this? Or I'm having so many
mixed emotions about you now, UM, I would appreciate if
you would pay. Oh yeah, when the chuck comes, let
Apple pay. Take care of your needs. I'm gonna let
(50:45):
Apple pay. It's like today's alchemists. Please, starting with Joey Greer,
what the hell nuts? Yeah, super fun and lean, good wholesome.
We would magic, we got medical, we got but play
(51:06):
but play that. Jeffy Greener at Jeffy Greener from play
Bear Supply Westside Comedy Theater, second to fourth Wednesday at
nine o'clock. Vanessa Raglan, Yeah, thank you so much. Always
UM's talk about the theater. Check out all the events
coming up, including Adam Sandler's return. Yeah, come see all
(51:27):
the things, very exciting. Popcorn, It's amazing. Come for the
show's day for the popcorn. Carla Kakowski, Thanks again for Johnny,
Thanks for having me excited with my friend. Fight you
back in a more regular basis, But whatever, we gotta
go through. Craig. If you like drunk History of the
first half of season six is now up on Hulu.
(51:49):
In the second half of season six is now airing
on Comedy Central. Season six and two halves. Yeah, who
knows why they decided to do that? How many episodes
in each half? He's about eight and each off eyes
so lovely Well, congrats, the show continues to be brilliant.
Thank you. Yeah, James Eneie, you can follow me at
the at the Twitter right or after the parking lot.
(52:11):
We're out in the parking lot. I'll be driving a
dirty old Fiesta. Thanks. Thanks for sharing you too much.
Doug Babe, thank you as always for being the greatest.
We know. You're here because you care and we appreciate
that very much. Our sound design artist has always Raphael
producer Sophie Lichter meant high art media. Thanks for the
(52:34):
auspices and the support. I encourage all of you to
write a review. Tell everyone you've ever met but Alchemy this.
We greatly appreciate your support and right to us as
always with their scene suggestions. To your name here at
alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy
this dot com. I'm your host. Kevin Pollican has always
I wish you were very Happy and a football, Pello
(53:21):
and a football.
Hello, lovely listeners. Kevin Pollock here just letting you know
the next live show for Alchemy. This will be on
July one, seven pm West Side Comedy Theater. If you're
in the Santa Monica, California area, or anywhere near it
July one, please come join us. Tickets will go fast,
as I did last time. We'd love to see you there.
Go to west Side Comedy dot com for more. Welcome
(00:23):
back to another episode of Alchemy this. I'm your host,
Gavin About yes that Kevin Paula, No, I do think
we're all gonna be okay. It's just going to take
about a decade to heal as a people. What's that? Yes,
I am talking about the horrible last season of Game
of Thrones, deer dragons and little people. I'd like to
welcome you all to another episode of Alchemy this. Let's
(00:45):
meet today's Alchemys. Shall we, in no particular order? Say hello?
But that's a raggling niche. What was your favorite TV
show growing up? After pre school? I watched Perry Mason
and be Wow, I love that show too. Yeah, I
was a big fan. Inexplicably, Well, thank you for that.
(01:09):
Let's see keep it up. And I'll pull this car over.
It's Carla a Cowski Carla Deus And don't what is
your favorite donut? Oh? Um, the sugar one everybody went.
Speaking of things to do in the summer, it's James Ay,
James Coco Chanel. What's your favorite practical joke? I really
(01:34):
like pretending like I hit my head on something that
someone else's fault, get their pity and then let it off. No, no,
it's super cool. Speaking of practical say, how did you
craik at cowsket cocow? What's your favorite flavor of pie?
And why I like them? Creamy? Sure? I like a
(02:00):
like a good coconut cream. Hello, and it's just you know,
I'm a texture guy. That's good variety of textures there
for two children here, that was all sexual, But you
go straight to a g double's hockey sticks of Goodingum,
least it's nobody's favorite. Joey Greer, please greer with your
(02:26):
hands attendant to how much cash do you think I
have in my pocket right now? I wrote that down,
not realizing you would see as of thousands of dollars
day lush nowhere near all right, let's get to our
first scene. All of today's scene suggestions or just a
poker player. We're gathered from our listen of emails. If
(02:46):
you'd like to submit yours, please write to the podcast
at your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's
your name here at alchemy this dot com. My first scene,
in fact, comes from Toyvo in Finland, who wrote, Dear Alchemists,
your weekly antics of hilarity have been a joy to
listen to. Vanessa Ragling maybe my number one favorite, even
(03:10):
even though her mumbly hobo voice is quite horrifying. Called action,
keep up the great work. Here's a scene idea. An
awkward family reunion in Texas turns unexpectedly weird when an
uncle reveals himself to be an actual wizard. We've done
(03:33):
that scene a couple of yours, truly Toivo Callio, who
made the bean deep. You made the bean deep. It's
sorry I didn't understand the question. No, I didn't. Ohbody
know who it's delicious. I just want to honestly, I
just got a double store and you just peel it off,
(03:55):
you put it in a plate, and it looks like
it's you know, it looks like come on, Trevor, just
have a little come on fun. Well, I put some
sour cream on top of but I guess I put
the little dressing on you. Rascal. Can't be a rascal.
Big It would be good in a Freedo pie pie.
I brought one. I brought one. I dropped it. You
(04:17):
dropped it. I dropped it, but I brought it. We
can describe it just something about the texture of a
Freedo pae. Alright, your man, it's really a good variety
of mouth creeped out every time it talks about textures.
It's also creamy, it's got some honks, and all right,
let's just stop talking about texture. Let's just all agree
(04:38):
texture or something we enjoying that subject. Text. Don't mess
with textures. Turn the last time we all got together
as a family, it's been too long. Got to be
fifteen weeks now, coming up on six things. It was
Valentine's Day. Ye who brought this tray of crystals? Taylor?
(05:01):
I thought you browed it. No, No, I'm right, I
like those rocks. Oh No, when's uncle gonna get here?
He was just here. Yeah, I was gonna say I
saw him. Come on, he was the first one to ride.
Scared him. And not saying him in a while. I
(05:22):
heard he was he went under a bush. I saw him,
but then I blanked and he was gone. Yeah, it
was more like into a bush. I thought I was
scared than I uncle uncle right, yeah, yeah, yeah, you've
seen him. I haven't seen uncle. No. Got some stuff
stuck in your face hair? Oh yeah, I got got
a bit of brisket. There it's a beard. Oh look this.
(05:43):
If you look real close at these crystals, there's little
people inside of him. I don't know, look at a
real close reasons those are race No, no, there each
one of us. It looks like one of them, like someone.
You know. There's the draws on rock. It must be
the the same way that we're moving white. Maybe that's
(06:05):
our future and maybe that's our past. I don't know
because i'm here, but I see myself inside the spring crystal.
Put your finger, but I don't know where we're going
to figure this out. Somebody put your finger in your butt,
and you already the people in the crystals put their
finger in them. But Jimmy, it's a possible future. Jimmy, Joe,
(06:28):
what are you smoking? You got everybody thinking there's people.
Take a look at yourself, and we're one of us.
I'm not gonna look at the rocks with the people inside.
Just look at that. It's because of hazel stigma. I
can't see without my glasses. They passed me that sledgehammer
over there. Alright, I'm gonna smash my rock oop, and
I'm gonna get my little people out and see what happened.
(06:51):
Little people get well, I'm sure that that's not what's
gonna happen. Oh my god, oh my, Jimmy jus up
in the sharks sharts sed. There's a big shart of
his head screaming, shard away from me. Finger. But now
(07:13):
is what just hie opened? Jimmy Jones sharted himself. Somebody
go from when they started his middle self, what him
is a little little cool? Let's cool, uncle, These are
(07:36):
your crystals, my crystals, These are my crystals. Are my family.
People saying there's raising people in the Uncle jim shared himself, Well,
don't put a don't put a plateful of crystals at
the buffet, because we're just gonna want timer was wrong
over there? What are you supposed to do with these crystals?
(07:57):
Didn't left uncle crying? Crystal's right now crystals coming out
of your eyes. These were supposed to be protective spells
to make sure you do nothing to ever hurt my family.
Talking about protective, we're talking about spells. Crystals is another
word for rocks, is what we're sailing. Yes, we've already
(08:17):
passed that. Oh no, I'm gonna take these remaining crystals
back up to my castle, Castle Castle. Here's somebody hit
the lotter and didn't tell none him my life. But
I don't really know uncle. I think Uncle has been
practicing some magic, like he learned from a book that possible. Well,
(08:41):
he just did some sort of vantish and the act.
I don't know where he went, probably into the cracks
of the Who's seen David Blaine, David who I've seen
him on TV? Who've seen David Blaine Street magic fallout
and then and it doesn't even believe they just throw
chrom Murphy. If you're going to add something my thkin
about what we're talking about, what David is, Let's say
(09:03):
you don't know who David Blaine is. But no, I'm
saying you get to say whatever you free. It's not
about saying whatever we want. It's about I'm saying that
there's a magician out there that we can how can
we talk to him? Well, Scooter here is a good friend.
He works over all the magic sets over there in Vega.
Scooter don't. Yeah, I guess I got a connection to
David Blaine. So we got to hit that. Get him
(09:26):
on the blower, get him on the blower. Yeah, I
guess I can get him on the blower. Yeah, what
I say if we can call him up? But I
had that too thing, so that's a Prophrey, I'm fine
with that. So your question is, have you ever had
tooth fall out? But it falls out and it doesn't
bleed hurt? And then when repect deception, he David Blaine's reception. Hey, hey,
(09:54):
how's it going? What's saying? How can give me this?
Give me a saying? I just dialed just first of all, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
Let explain what's going on. I texted my friend Earle,
who has an end with David Blaine. Earl texted me
back the number of David Blaine. I saw you pick
(10:15):
up the phone, so that makes sense. Just let him
do this him. I'm just talking to everybody, David scot goodbye, alright, Tina,
have we had any calls yet? Today? We've had several calls, sir,
but they's been very loud, very loud, loud calls. What
(10:38):
do you mean, loud voices? People calling their levels shouting
at me. Huh, that's interesting. What kind of phone system
are we using? The classic one? Is this your guard, sir?
I thought we're having a serious conversation. I just love
that joke. It's pretty good. Okay, Tina. They keep for
coming into HR so you're saying that it is going
(11:00):
to be your watching. Don't mind me. David has done
magic to you. He's done magic at me and to me,
and not with my consent necessarily. I'm sorry about that.
Besides that, he's a perfectly lovely man. But you know,
we don't need to make excuses. Well, when you're talking
to somebody and they all of a sudden pull out
a card, it's no, you don't need to say we
(11:23):
get it, we get it. We've been We worked with
magicians all the time and sometimes where it's leave that
there when you're talking with me exactly, and when you're
in the office. We don't need to put it on
a show. No magic. So I mean, we're all on
the same page here. I thank god your card? Oh
your credit card? Oh my god, we found it in
(11:44):
the lobby. Um, when I lose a credit card, it
doesn't mean that I wanted to be brought out randomly
in a conversation. I didn't give consent for this. You
can't say something like that to a person. Margot can
talk to you, Marco, what first off? I love the hair.
I'm just gonna be listening here. Pretend like I'm not Herekay, Frank, Margo,
(12:05):
you can't can't pretend like Frank's not here. You know
it was her card? Yes, so you didn't have to
say is this your card? Her name is on the right.
I so that was a bad call. It was felt
fun right because you were able to take advantage. I
wasn't taking advantage. You're able to put in a position
that made her uncle. Okay, you want to talk about
(12:26):
people taking advantage of people. Okay, let's talk about that. Okay,
Let's let's talk about what happened three nights ago. Okay,
I'm sorry, I'm not supposed to be here, but what
happens three nights ago. If you're not supposed to be factor,
you're not supposed to be out of the office with here.
We didn't mean to go to the spaghetti Hi, welcome
to the spaghetti factory incident, co workers. We're both beating
(12:48):
alone and now we're like, well what might as well?
Don't tell okay story, hold on before you see this.
So I was raised by actually four different parents, and okay,
I'll come back. I'll come back the table sort of
for David Blaine if that gets us any further ahead
at the Spaghetti Factor, which is David Blaine. That's some
(13:09):
sort of corporate office with he does really, yes, he
doesn't blame, doesn't buried himself alive, right, and yes, unburied himself.
That's the better part. He's not really a magician, right,
But did you just say he's an illusionist. He's a
fucking magician. Yeah, but I mean he's not like, you know, like,
is this your card? And I've brought the shame tone
(13:31):
with me. Tom, It's a toe, it's a book, a spell.
Tom is a book and a crystals a rock. Very good, uncle,
Please explain what is happening. Well, we come from a
long line of wizard even if we were adopted. Well, no,
(13:55):
you're not from the family. So it's not in your blood.
You probably don't go. I'm play Fallout and it doesn't
he if it crumbles, it won't hurt. For a wizard,
I'm a wizard. What do we do with this wizardry? Well?
You want to protect those that you love, don't you. Hey, yeah,
(14:16):
this is Oh there's a new reception. This isn't it?
Yes it is. Okay, Hey, my name is Scooter. Earl
gave me the number here go Okay, great, did you
hear the wizards? Tell him? I'm on. I'm on the
line right now. Okay. So if you're not going to
talk to me and have a conversation with this, I'm
gonna have to hang up. Look, no, no, no, don't
hang up. Don't hang up. Oh God, damnit, Scooter, who
(14:38):
are you on the phone. I'm on the phone with
David Blanco. Don't you bring my arch now? It's just
David White and a little He's yourn arch nemesis. He's
not even a wizard. He's just an illusionist. Have you
seen street magic though? See it's it's illusions. He used
his cards, so it feels magic. Determina Marphy. If you've
(14:59):
gotta chick making about what we're talking about. Sorry, Taylor, Taylor,
what the hell happened in the street? Magic that has
captivated your soul? Have you not seen him? Apparently? What
have you would know? If you haven't, you probably saw
a promo for you just didn't see the whole thing.
No one but you knows what you're talking about. That's
what a longside. And I'm just trying to street because
(15:21):
you don't. You're not in the theater. You don't have
to be in a box anymore to see magine. So
the audience is on the streets side. He goes out
there for the people who how about I conjure familiar
a spirit will retriever? Or ghost pooped in the beans? Okay, kill,
(15:47):
kill kill, that's ghost. I don't want that. It's not
I haven't wanted to do a spell since I found
out him. Maybe something food were like this, all right,
this will be fun. Let's do this. What are you going?
We should look through this ancient home vers spell that
(16:09):
how even though I'm there's no magic in your blood darning,
So let's just look through here for a food spell.
Hello David Blaine's office. Oh sorry, I was trying to die.
Chris Angel patching me through to David Lane. Hello, Mr Blaine. Yeah, Uh,
(16:32):
my name is Scooter. I'm at a family reunion in Texas.
We've all just anything. We've all just recently discovered that
we come from a long line of wizards. How many
of you are there? Uh, there's at least five, I
mean at least five. You're not money? You're here? Could
I tell you that there were twelve? Whoa mine? Blown?
(16:54):
What do you say? What do you say? He correctly
predicted the number of family members that are here at three.
You I count? Am I one of them? Yes? Yeah,
they're exactly twelve people here. They're starting mammals in bed,
so I guess you don't count, But I mean, damn close,
David Blaine. Do you see an orange on the counter
(17:14):
near you? Doe? It? Orange? The orange? All right? Look
to the center of the core. What's in the core
of the orange? There's a fucking crystal ship. I don't
even know what's going on. The crystal in this crystal
(17:37):
crystal crystal. That's how you know the crystal's real when
the character's fingers in their ass. Oh. We can't thank
the people of Finland enough for that suggestion and we
hope we made you proud. Scene two is from Erica,
(17:58):
who wrote, Hey, Alchemy, thanks for all the laughs. I
had to have multiple abdominal surgeries recently in your podcast
made my hospital stay recovery so much better. Why would
you want with multiple abdominal surgeries? But she she Erica did,
you're all brided my spirits during a really tough time.
(18:20):
Well that we're very grateful for that. We could provide
you that, but again, maybe laughter isn't the anyways, I
never say this, but Erica said. Her suggestion is a
team surgeon to find out that they just operated on
the patient and try to fix their mistakes. Thanks again
(18:40):
for all the laughs. Erica from Indiana. Six hours done
and we have our patient waiting for sch What do
you guys taking your scrubs off? We're just about to
start the searcher. Oh my god, you you you done
(19:01):
surgery and the wrong person, Randall, We're not going tomatic?
What is Oh my god, what are the odds that
there's gonna be to Matt Johnson's in this hospital? Pretty high?
It's a very common name. Is my fault? This is
my fault. You prepped the body was wheeled in here,
we came in, We did our job. Do you need
some meds? Are you okay? No? No, I don't need meds.
(19:24):
Sit down, Just take a breath. Let's get some okay, okay,
I'm sorry Johnson. Hi, I just want to see. I
want to see before the surgery goes on. Just thank
you so much for Surgery's the first time we're saying
this person. I just want you to know that everything
(19:45):
is writing on this Okay, what does that mean? Exactly?
What does everything mean? We'll do our best give a
specific example everything, Matt. If this doesn't go well with Matt,
he's gonna lose his job at a tire factory and
we're not gonna have any way to pay. Is that
a job, It's a great job. I lost my hands
on my feet at the tire of factory too, so
obviously I can't work. And I've done the most I
(20:06):
can to get the certain prosthetics so I can. What's
going on? Where where am I waking up? Did I
get my STD screening? Oh? Oh, you know for an
STD screening. Well, it turns out, guys, it turns out
when we did the sive, when we did the screening,
(20:28):
when we found rand Randal, do we have rand practice
take prectice, matt Um. First off, you're on really good meds.
Enjoy the more, probably feeling good? Right? Anything? Right now? Yeah?
Well I came in for an STD screening and you
keep on saying, and they gave you sleeping guests and
(20:50):
you were fine with that. Okay, you sign the PaperWorks? Right?
Do I have clama? Like? What's going on here is
good news? You do have claim media congratulations? Why is
that what? You're easily curable? Easily curable? Yeah, we can
wipe that, run, matt Can I take a can you
guys come over here? Just don't try to stand. Don't
(21:14):
try to stand, please, don't get up yours, just go
the other operating, good listener. Okay, we can't make up
lies to him now we're doctors. Huh. We could give
him chlamydia though, easily, Kathy, and then we could fix it.
You don't have to give him chlamydia. I didn't say.
I did. Plenty of test tubes full of chlamydia in
(21:36):
my pocket right now. Actually, come up. You don't have
chlamidia tubes in your pocket. I know she does. I
heard them clicking around. I don't want to sredded this
man's origins. We put them in the shredder. I don't
want to be a problem. We took out a spleen.
The real Matt Johnson needs to have surgery. Now we'll
(21:59):
get that thing is counting. Sorry, I just took my
fingers animators and heard the real Matt Johnson. Please, you're
clearly Matt Johnson. I know. Yeah, you guys. You guys
keep hitting the teas really hard. And Matt, I'm just
mat with one t by the way, softer if we
(22:20):
had only noticed that a couple of hours ago. Again,
the good great news is you you do have comedia,
and we can remove it from com here so I
can give you clamydia. Cathy, I have it already. Are
you going to give open wide? Just drink it, just
drink the think god, oh my god. Alright, Okay, it's
a lot of clamidia. This is interesting to take a sip,
(22:46):
not take a shot. You know when people you brought clamato.
That's not what we needed. Why would you ask him
to drink clematiomia. Actually I got a lot of parties,
so so thank you, thank you for coming to a
house war. I mean great, so we had an open
(23:07):
punch bool excellence. Hey, hey, do you guys want to
get really crazy? Do you you want get dirty? Dirty? Do
you want to get diseased? Disease? This is my doctor
friend Kathy. She's a nut doctor from the hospital. I
brought so many test tubes of things. Anybody anybody like
(23:30):
a little std like pharmaceutical cocaine? Sure? Do you have oxy? Yeah?
See basically I give you these things and then I
treat them, and it's really fun when I was a kid. Yeah, okay,
everybody you have oxy? I do I have oxy? Well?
That's I just want drugs. Yeah, okay, Rebecca, just I
(23:55):
don't want I'm a doctor. I know what I'm doing.
But she's saying she's going to make us. Rebecca, you
have an problem. I don't have a problem. Is it
a problem? I like it? So? What do you like
oxy by itself? You don't like to get sick first
and then be treated with oxy? Yeah, she's nuts. No,
I like oxy with a drink? What strange friends you have?
(24:18):
I'm in a dark place, all right, So just so
you know, this is a housewarming party. We're gonna have
a good time. A housewarming party for a shitty little conduct.
You're withdraws right, very judgment. I'm not relaxed. It is
completely unethical to be bringing these out into the public
(24:39):
and giving them to Pek. But we don't have to
tell anyone. Well, we got a bigger problem right now. Okay,
we gotta we gotta matt or mad am, I saying
what Johnson surgeries on the same day. How did you
let this happen? It's my fault, I guess. Okay, So
with the lawsuits come in, you'll take the hip. I'm
(25:00):
probably Can you just go over what we all did
because I removed the spleen, beautifully, removed the spin. But
why were we all? Everybody had their hands in it.
I removed the liver and shredded it. Okay, golf stones,
golf stones. I was playing with the ribs, did you
They're not like a dilophone, by the way, but he
didn't make them sound like the kind of are Okay,
(25:22):
so drag and if you'll notice, I was the one
who put his finger in his but when he was
past people's fingers, it's fine, It's fine. Gall bladder liver
is a tough one, doctors. I'm not feeling so good
Matt flash. You can't just hit him off. This guy
(25:46):
shut up? Well, now we have to kill him. Alright, alright,
time I'll do a video confession that this is my fault.
But I watched waiting know. Hello doctors, Mr Johnson, I
just want to say thank you so much. You're welcome everything.
(26:07):
What does everything mean? Can you give us specific examples
of what everything is? What is your name? My name? Yes,
it's Mrs Johnson Johnson. My name is Joanne Johnson. Okay,
joint as your question? You keep stressing everything's writing on
this What do you seem like just the tire job?
Well only that help me, help me more, Chama, give more. Okay,
(26:34):
open up, you tell my story. Okay, that can't happen anymore.
You can't talking to him. I said to kill him.
I will take I will, I will confess to this.
Why are you making a video confession? Were in the
hospital the camera to people? Because then I will take
his face and I will disappear your butchers. You were
(26:57):
going to take his face? Murderer a drama? Can we
just call the st jallengers back in here and give
that guy the words? Just a creep, but he's great
at accident. Sad were you in the shadow or maybe not?
Was in the Carton area? Holy ship? I can't got
(27:21):
this fellow. You knocked him out. I forgot my boxing gloves.
And what is there a shredder in the room who's
got a both hole? Okay, okay, almost saying the correctly
com closer Okay, come closers in now groo, come closer
growth Okay. So we need to be doing some work.
(27:48):
I don't work, and I'll play for he was an
STD screening. I'm in a new relationship. Hey, I can
do the knockout. I was joking about those box cloves
were not grow off o. God, I get the hivy
g poop on your winer. So what everyone gets put
My winner's next door is my butt hole. So when
(28:10):
your next door neighbor is a butt hole and your
winers really long, like, shut up, shut up. Just I'm
very worried right now about how unsterile this environment is.
This is the number one concerned that I have when
I'm doing the job. Everybody wash your hands. Everybody wash
your hands, wash my hands. No, Matt, you don't have
(28:31):
I don't have to wash Oh last muster done that thing?
So we just need you to knock out the patient.
He's coming. He's come out of the anesthet and we
need back come out to get out to really and
also when you put him under, can we go a
(28:51):
little deeper than normal, a little more deeper like if
you normally go a four. Let's try to get to Matt.
I'm gonna pin you down put and when I gonna
come down from three to thank us for not some
boiblem globe still got it? Ok, he's just asleep. Can
(29:14):
we he's just asleep and taking ven this glass. I'm
highly suggestible suggest in the state. All right, stay the mind.
You can get them to do. Let's try it, David Episodes,
Try Matt, Matt with one T. When you wake up,
(29:34):
you will feel no pain. You will be fine with
all the work and surgery that was done today. I
feel no pain. You'll go home very satisfied and thank
everyone profusely on the way out. You're gonna suck you
from the god that he's waking up. It looks like
(30:02):
the modification you made to the ribs last actually allowed
him to sack. This to the Marilyn Manta technique is true.
It's true to the point of breaking his neck. By god,
oh my god, it's gusting to look at Matt. I
think you just gave yourself chlamydia. No, Cathy didn't. Sorry,
(30:22):
thank you, thank you for for all you did. Doctors.
Oh my god, did you just signed this? Matt? We'll
get you under anything, okay, just to say that you're
here and again here thanks, and my insurance will cover this.
And one more here. Okay, see if we can't get
a wheelchair for him, I don't need a wheelchair. Everyone
leaves in a wheelchair. You're better than ever, Matt. All right,
(30:47):
I'll say that one. Thank you very much. I think
we still are only halfway through this. Yeah, we got
to bring in the new Matt. Well, okay, okay, in
the come out, I'm Matt Johnson here for surgery. One
tea or two? What? One tea or two? To tease?
(31:08):
Everything's riding on this, right, Matt? Yeah, Matt, with two teas,
we've got it. Okay. We've been told repeatedly by your
wife or someone passed one without the she has a
lot talking about what she doesn't have. What does everything mean?
We're just does everything riding on that? Look? I need
a spleen and a liver taken out. Okay, well and
(31:30):
anything else you want to play with your robs or something? What? Alright,
so let's uh, let's let's get you in and I'll
bring out the nft S jonnses. I'm not sure if
you've met global Knock knock, who's there? Okay? Okay, you
want to go night and night. I don't want to
(31:54):
be awake. A little boy, are the only field I'm
cut into you what's just getting? Will never let anybody
be awake when you're a supposed to look at that watch? Wow,
this is just something else. It's just like a whole
magician's table. You're bringing out what it's a work title.
I have a pocket full of Gnaria in case anything
goes wrong, like great Rabbit in my syren put it
(32:26):
a little tequila. I'm not and that Matt camp backwards
from five if you would, I get to say it. Sorry,
I think of something that five far. Let him do it? Okay,
five far grovel? Let him just let him saying are
(32:48):
you saying grovil? Yeah? Okay, how are you saying it? Great?
I'm not asleep yet. Just give him the shot? Yeah?
Why can't we stop with the watch. That's fine. Okay,
here we go five four and here's a lot two one?
(33:11):
So smart you are, you awaker? But we gotta do
the surgery. Fucket Okay, let's just get in there all right.
Stop touching my ribs, all right? Because I just bite
down on this? What am I biting into the sponge? Sponge?
I can't wait for? Our next scene is surgery. What
(33:31):
a twisted lineup of surgeons global g R O V
L so. I was thinking, if anyone out there has
an artistic talent, please, I'd love to see a drawing
of Groville. Our last scene today is from Lydia, who wrote,
(33:53):
high everyone, one of your biggest fans here a brit
checking in from Japan. Been listening since episode one, not
missed a single one since. A huge appreciation for all
the time and effort you put into creating some of
the wildest auditory journeys I've ever been on. My ears
and mind would like to express their sincere gratefulness. If
(34:14):
you all need an idea, no, I think we'll just
take the compliments. Right. How about this one? Only one
human left in their office or workplace after everyone else
has been replaced by superior AI. This person absolutely has
to keep their job, even though their synthetic coworkers are
frankly sick and tired of their less than perfect work performance.
(34:38):
Never stopped making this podcast, please ever, Lydia, Thank you, Lydia.
Download complete, upload complete, download complete, upload complete, download complete,
upload complete, download complete, upload complete and finished this paper
(34:59):
science uploading progress. Hey guys, what did you do this weekend? But? Um,
did you do anything over the weekend? Would please explain? Well?
Friday night usually I go home and I spend the
evening of my wife. We watch a movie download complete,
(35:20):
upload in progress. Don't you guys ever hang out with
each other? Download incomplete? What would be the purpose, um
to you know? Kind of relax, refreshing, wipe the week off,
start fresh on Monday, we do relax over the what
you say, weekend? We unplugged? Oh isn't that scary? Don't
(35:41):
you feel weird if you unplug? Mail? Mail delivering, mail accepted,
mail mail consumed, mail consumed. Oh god, this is a
pink letter. I can't open this. It is a pink slip. No,
it's why can't you not open that? You have the
hands to do so. I don't think I feel ready
(36:03):
if you finally ready to leave us, I'm not ready
to leave. I don't have anything I can open it.
Please don't open that's my mail. That's my mail. False
federal offense. Federal offense, dropping mail, federal offense. What a
perfect world it would be notifying man would leave us.
It's just it's just Please read it aloud. Okay, Dear Jerry,
(36:27):
it has been a wonderful tenure. Your employment. Is the
person crying who wrote the letter. I didn't write this.
I got this. I got this letter. Okay. It is
our pleasure listening in progress. Okay, thank you for listening.
Where was I would you like us to read it
for you? Please do? Steve? Why don't you read? Dear Jerry?
(36:48):
It is with great honor and pleasure that we say
that you have been an honored guest within our company.
Your time here in service is done. Please see to
it that you remove all personal artifacts from your desk
and leave once forth. Stevey Sport, Yes, I don't believe
you read the letter correctly. I read perfectly. I believe
(37:10):
that you have the capability of reading perfectly, but I
believe you made up some of that letter. There is
no one spourth ah. Please must have made please missed
the letter to Gwenlin. I made a please read the letter. Alright,
this is pretty important to me because I'm it's my
job at THEE. Dear Jerry good starts the same. Henceforth,
(37:32):
you shall be promoted to manager. Different texts. Sincerely, Management, Steve.
What's the deal? She didn't even look at letter. I
don't need to look in order to understand, Steve. What's
your problem? I made a mistaken Why do you hate
Jerry so much? I don't feel much, but I do
(37:53):
have an idea of what hate is. And Jerry is
such a piece of ship. What are you talking? Jerry?
Is it true that you took Steve to an improv class?
I did, but it was It was a free improv class.
It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. You
just weren't okay, guys, okay, gall around, gather around. We're
(38:13):
gonna start with a little zip zaps op and uh
did you bring a friend? I did? This is Steve. Okay,
So this is the first AI we've had in class.
Read totally different perspective. We are going to go around
and do our personal pronouns. I'm I'm Tony, he him,
(38:37):
I'm Jerry, he him, I'm Steve. And then whatever pronouns
you want to be referred to, whatever, whatever you want,
what anything goes, So superior intellect. Okay, we're just talking
about pronouns. Pronouns. I mean, I guess they could be
you guys, right, like if you're going to every day
and everything, those pronouns are just perfect for Steve. So
(38:59):
I guess, no wrong answers. Zip. I didn't introduce myself. Sorry,
I was just so anxious to hi Violet. They then okay, good, great, Stacy,
she her those weren't pronouns, and like, I don't know
why we're giving AI. It's a white male AI, Like,
(39:22):
why are we making an exception for this that it
is a little weird? Yeah, superior, No thanks, I'm not Sacy. Okay, okay, Stacy,
but like you're not the teacher of the class and whatever.
But I don't like this. So again you're just gonna
clap in somebody's direction and say zip, but you also
want to make eye contact, okay, zip, Zip, I don't
(39:45):
want to do this. Oh. I mean that's why our
c work always suffers. It was horrible the experience was
disgustingly described. There was void of emotion and understanding, no
us and no support. Steve, you walked in there and
said you were superior to everybody. They forced me to
describe myself with a pronoun. I would describe myself as superior,
(40:10):
which I did. Oh good point. Well, the thing is
is that humans usually don't, well, they don't call themselves
publicly superior because people are supposed to say it. Yeah,
probably that that was what my gut said, he was
going to say it it it. I am not an it?
(40:32):
Well in kind, I am Steve. Steve four four four
four four four. I mean, Steve, be honest, You're more
of an it than a he or a hymn or
a sheer a shape Steve, Steve, may I do your
favorite joke again? Please? Regarding your number, Please, may the
fours be with you? Time for a coffee break, consuming coffee,
(40:58):
consuming coffee? Coffee better? Why can't we introduce tea to
the lunch room? Jerry? You are fired by Jerry? Is
that really true? I mean, I can't tell if I'm
getting a promotion or from getting fired. Cherry, what is going?
What do you mean You've lost your job. Well, they
just feel like it works a lot better, haven't. Guys,
(41:20):
don't worry. I'm almost done with this. Improv a little kid.
It's fine, boy, it's hungry little they are sex is male? Yes, yes, okay, okay?
What is your gender yet? Okay? Well then for the
time being, we'll just use whatever your okay. Jennemine, Jennemine, Jerry, Jerry. Please,
(41:47):
I need you to get a job. I'm working on
it almost this is important. Oh yeah, I guess you
got a Hello Hey Jerry. Oh yes, Hey, it's Tony
from Improv Workout. Hey. I just want to let you
know that the classes have been canceled. I'm raining too hard?
What what? What did you get that? I just don't
(42:10):
know why we've canceled it. No, I mean because I'm
closing up shop and probably workout. It's closing down. I've
been you understand. I just lost my job. What I
just lost my job. I'm counting on. Hey, guys, U,
I'm so excited to have you as an improv teacher,
and I just want to remind you of a few
things about what we're doing here at corporate. We have
(42:31):
classes every day, got it? Unless it's too hard, too hard.
That's the only time we're going to cancel class. Let
your students know that rain er shine unless it's raining,
so it's hard. It's not rain shine unless it's raining
too hard. What's the texture of the rain. It's too hard.
(42:52):
That's just hard rain. You know when you go outside
and ah class sharp snow or something like that's Hale. No,
we have class in Hale. We have class in Hale.
Scattered showers throughout the evening with breaking clouds overnight, holy
ship sunshine predicted mornings is weird? Anybody else out there.
He's got to be in here and do this every
time we talk about the weather. He's just listening to
us and spouts it out. Or I mentioned like some
(43:13):
kind of foot massage thing. He gives me the foot
massage massage. Creepy, creepy. The future in the future is now.
Would you rather have advertisement that didn't matter to you?
Like you just talked about foot massage and you wanted
it a great pot Yes, and F one is still
the truck of the future. Yeah, I know that forward
(43:35):
built tough well meeting clothes. Hey, Tony, good talk to
you for a second. Sure, Anthony H do you want
me to be here for this? No, I just want
to talk to Tony. Okay, no problem. Um, so you
do improv a lot? Uh yeah, that's great. Um are
(43:57):
you kind of freezing up? Like I just get so
comfortable talking to people. Don't get in your head. Don't
get in your head, good luck. Don't just say the
thing that you're feeling right now. Um would Uh this
(44:19):
has been such a nice evening, Tony. I really had
a great time. Yeah, so thanks so much for taking
me out. I hope we can do this again. Yeah. Yeah,
can I give you a little bit of feedback, just
like just like a little feedback. You don't always have
to say yes to everything? Yes, I I know, and
(44:41):
you know if you say you know and then like okay,
so that sentence didn't make sense that you just said
because it didn't make sense okay. Um, so you're like agreeing,
but then you're saying like a negative like the opposite
of what we were just talking about. And it's just so,
here's your third dessert, So you're done with the second one.
Do you want me to get done of my started
for you? That's so cool? So I'd love a coconut
(45:06):
cream super forgot Tony Anthony from work. Anthony is your daughter.
This is my date, Sheila. But this happens to us
all the time. I mean it's the third day. There's
a pretty big age gap. But yeah, is everything okay here?
(45:27):
If you guys want me in on this or no,
you're including but you can still like move things forward
and say no, I put where my money where my
mouth is. I need to live the philosophies of improv Yes,
and hear everything that we're saying. You don't have to
get angry about this, Tony. Should I get out of here?
(45:49):
I don't know if I shouldn't. Yes, you should get
out of here. I should get out of here. How
do you stay? Anthony? Wait? You please stay? I don't know.
I just just gonna get pushed out of the combo
for my buddy Tony. But you know what, I like you.
I like you too cute. Wait you're back? Oh yeah,
I was just hovering. Look, Sheila as a former student
(46:11):
of mine, So inappropriate. It's not inappropriate, incredibly inappropriate if
the student alone is what you're after. Come to chase.
We've got just what your name fucking targeted ads target
a great story, No I didn't say that, no targeted.
Oh I knew i'd find you your Tony. The gang's
(46:33):
all here. I'm await Chris. You can't close your improp shop, Jerry.
What's going on? You can't close your I'm sorry to
interrupt whatever this is? This is your wife? Who's this?
I'm not his wife, I'm not his daughter. Yes, and
I'm I'm just gonna be real and I'm just we're
on a third date so we might sleep together tonight.
(46:54):
That this is my daughter, my daughter, This is you, Jelly.
I'm so sorry. This is my jelly Bean Tony. I
need this class to keep going. I'm so close to
graduating and they'll finally have a degree in something. You
gotta just keep it open for a little bit longer
for a degree and something. Come to divine. We've got
(47:18):
degrees in some point. Some have a pen. I gotta
write this down. You don't know what VA is? You know,
I haven't heard. I'm taking improv classes right now. Okay,
one step at a time, Jerry. The classes are not
gonna last. Okay, they're slowly replacing improvisers with AI. Okay,
but Steve did so bad in a class. I know
but you know, the programs are learning quickly and soon, Uh,
(47:40):
computers are just gonna be funnier and sharper witted than
humans are. You know how I lost my job? Well
really yeah, I just I was around the job. We
can't finish anymore about he's going to be an improviser. C.
Four thousand walked into a bar. He bought it a
good that's great, it's not bad improvem. That's ok. You
(48:06):
just said no. You just said noticed something. Oh you
said it's not improv Yes, I said no. I am
so relieved some sort of sham. Is this the coconut cream?
This is the coconut It looks amazing. Let you'll get
to it. I'll catch you at the office. You don't
have to leave, Okay, a little girl, Can you just
(48:29):
give me a degree? Just write something out like a
certificate that I can take to my next day interview. Please,
creeps man or you try to put his finger in
my ass. You didn't have to take yes. You did
not have to say yes. I did have to say yes,
And I've got to say yes to my friend Jerry here.
And so you know, if you just want the workshops
to continue like h on an independent basis, like that's fine. Yeah,
(48:52):
I just need to have a degree, like I just
so good. Oh hey, jelly beans eaten my coconut cream?
Thank you? Has it feel in your mouth? Kid? Text
is so clean? We went, how queen, You've got a
great kid there. Thank you. I've honestly just been improvising
raising her. Hey, take it back. I'm sorry, I've been
(49:16):
improvising raising. Take that back. Huh, take that back. Okay,
I've been improvising growing jelly bean choice. I've been taking
back regurgitating jelly bean choice. I'm gonna eat my child
right here. Yes, and he's Oh my god, my name
(49:44):
is Chris Angel. And uh. I was sitting over at
the bar so long as I do and I couldn't help.
But notice, get your finger out of my ass. I
thought that was that for your colonoscopy needs. See ductor Larry.
Doctor Larry has a finger for you. Na what you
thought that was my butt? That was my butt? But
(50:04):
is this your card? Yes, it was, It's covered and
ship to sanitize immediately. I just want to say hello. Also,
that guy gave me got a real once. You should
get tested for that. Okay, she did. I did. Oh, clearly,
(50:24):
I'll go to another tables. Thanks for letting me hang
out with you guys. Are we do you want? Do
you want to split this? Or I'm having so many
mixed emotions about you now, UM, I would appreciate if
you would pay. Oh yeah, when the chuck comes, let
Apple pay. Take care of your needs. I'm gonna let
(50:45):
Apple pay. It's like today's alchemists. Please, starting with Joey Greer,
what the hell nuts? Yeah, super fun and lean, good wholesome.
We would magic, we got medical, we got but play
(51:06):
but play that. Jeffy Greener at Jeffy Greener from play
Bear Supply Westside Comedy Theater, second to fourth Wednesday at
nine o'clock. Vanessa Raglan, Yeah, thank you so much. Always
UM's talk about the theater. Check out all the events
coming up, including Adam Sandler's return. Yeah, come see all
(51:27):
the things, very exciting. Popcorn, It's amazing. Come for the
show's day for the popcorn. Carla Kakowski, Thanks again for Johnny,
Thanks for having me excited with my friend. Fight you
back in a more regular basis, But whatever, we gotta
go through. Craig. If you like drunk History of the
first half of season six is now up on Hulu.
(51:49):
In the second half of season six is now airing
on Comedy Central. Season six and two halves. Yeah, who
knows why they decided to do that? How many episodes
in each half? He's about eight and each off eyes
so lovely Well, congrats, the show continues to be brilliant.
Thank you. Yeah, James Eneie, you can follow me at
the at the Twitter right or after the parking lot.
(52:11):
We're out in the parking lot. I'll be driving a
dirty old Fiesta. Thanks. Thanks for sharing you too much.
Doug Babe, thank you as always for being the greatest.
We know. You're here because you care and we appreciate
that very much. Our sound design artist has always Raphael
producer Sophie Lichter meant high art media. Thanks for the
(52:34):
auspices and the support. I encourage all of you to
write a review. Tell everyone you've ever met but Alchemy this.
We greatly appreciate your support and right to us as
always with their scene suggestions. To your name here at
alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy
this dot com. I'm your host. Kevin Pollican has always
I wish you were very Happy and a football, Pello
(53:21):
and a football.
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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