There’s a jumper, and all efforts to stop him seem to create one more insane problem after another; In this corporate office, new and historically unnecessary levels of employee-created chaos are realized; Neighbors have competing lemonade stands that lead to bizarre conflicts as well as an offer for protection from crooked cops. Featuring Brad Norman!
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to Alchemy. There, I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes,
that Kevin Pollard. With that well, since you put it
that way, I do smell faintly. It's smelling salts. Thank you,
my dear cronies and prom dates. By definition, alchemy is
quote when a person or a person just creates something
through a seemingly magical process. Well, I was recording my
last willing testament. The idea struck me. What if I
(00:23):
brought together the right created people and asked them to
make stuff up based on my own twisted ideas and
they offered a podcast of this seemingly magical process, and
I could call it alchemy. Do you realize your shoes
are on inside out? Well, my loved ones and luncheon
that owners. After a bit of title tinkering, I'm so
very proud to present to you another episode of Alchemy.
(00:44):
This this let's meet our archemists, shall we? In no
particular orders, say hello to Craig Atkowski. Craig A Law.
Do you believe we landed on the moon on July
sixty nine, as the as as was watched by the
world over. I believe we did it on a sound
stage to acted by Mr Kubrick about a year ahead
of time. That is awesome. I'm so glad I asked
(01:05):
you pick up your room. It's but as a Raglan Venetian,
would you let Joey Greer sit for your son? And
if so, I've been asked to enquire as to what
that pays hourly? Absolutely no, that's the way of saying
we missed. Joey Curry's not with us today? Right technically
(01:27):
speaking of fine playmate, also being supervised, Well, jar some pickles,
because here comes Brad Norman. Bra Brad me if you will.
If a bear shits in the woods and no one
sees it, couldn't have been the pope. If it's in Michigan, perfect, ladies,
Chris Alvarado is in the bill, Lady Chris and fellas,
(01:50):
let's not be inclusive, Chris, or let's be Chris, Chris
me like you mean it. Pitch me how you'd sell
the last sad little Christmas tree on the lot. If
you don't buy this, I will slash your tires and
then kill you. How much for the tree? Las mc
(02:13):
crab your pants? If you think him it's James eni
Jim On average? How long does it take you to
fall asleep once in bed, I don't try to sleep
at first. Usually I watched television for an hour, so
once I start to attempt it, it's minutes. And are
you surfing the dials there? Are you dialed into one
particular show? Well, I he's a blue Bloods guy until
(02:38):
I fall asleep or or or locked up. Either way
blue Bloods are locked up. I see the thing all right.
Our suggestions today come from your listener mail that's right
right to us at your name here at alchemy this
dot com. We accept all emails and I read them personally.
Oh yes, I do. That means I'm choosing which one
of you and which one of you won't. But I
(03:00):
do love you also right to us at your name here.
I just want to be clear. I want to take
all the credit and all the blame um your name
here at alchemy this dot com. The sourction comes from
Martin Rubble. Right any relation to Barney He's never got well,
(03:22):
he's missing a bee. Wouldn't you think Rubble with two
b's it could? Here's hoping it's Rubble without the accent.
Martin rub suggest the following the fire Department arrives to
save a suicide jumper only discovered that set jumpers on
the second floor of landing and probably able to get
(03:43):
down easily and safely or likely risk a slight injury.
We take you now to that scene. The fire department
has a rise. Nothing matters, all right, sir? Uh, who's
got a megaphone? Anybody who can here ape? That'll? Oh? Okay,
but do we have his number? Uh? No, here's the
(04:04):
good point. Give me the megaphone. Thank you, per per.
How did this? You know he's not that far away.
You could just shout to him. Good point. Take back
to my megaphone. You just dropped it on the ground. Sure, Sara,
What is your name? Nothing matters? Is that Italian? Is
(04:25):
that a joke? Yeah, you're joking. We're here for you.
I hate jokes. I hate comedy. I hate everything because
nothing matters. A comedy, yeah, for the most part about
improvised comedy, especially because the thing is short form doesn't
do it for me anymore, and long form has become
(04:46):
very mass tratory in my opinion. Fair enough, so you
do have an opinion. Let's go with that. Uh, give
me just a second. Can you guys help get something
underneath him. I gotta I don't know if pau your
hands is not going to do it, Brian, I just
don't think there's a reason to put anything down here
because he's on the second floor. Alright, breaking up, you
(05:07):
guys from here from the Commissioner's office. Susan charges a
crime scene. There's no crime scene yet, unless we're considering
suicidal suicide is a crime in the natural order, Sir,
it counts as a crime scene, and that puts you
in judge. All right, that thank you very much. I'm
Sergeant Ted Hammerglass, and I'm here to make sure that
people stay out of the area while we are. I'm
(05:29):
Marjorie Daniel, I'm the neighbor, and I'm I'm here for
any kind of interview could tell us. Oh well, I
you know, when I was a young girl, I could
always connect quickly with animals, and so I have a
lot of cats at home. I have a dog that
I taught to do crazy things, including yes, use the potty.
You're welcome everyone anyway. He's my neighbor and he will
(05:52):
bang on the wall. He's an angry man. Do you
know his name? Uh? He feels like a gym. It
feels like a gym man. I'm a chant commissioner. Just
a couple of questions. If you notice any out of
the ordinary behavior from your neighbor before this incident? Um, well,
the bank, you know, whenever I'm having the cats sing,
he does do the banging on the walls, which seems
(06:14):
mean he Um, he goes through the trash cans, goes
through or throws away his own trap. Well, I can't tell,
but it's louder than when I throw away the trash.
I think he's a r I'm think banging on the
walls could just be a critique on the cats. It
most certainly is, but it's it's loaded with ray. Excuse me,
excuse me. I'm just putting this yoga mat down. I'm
gonna go get another one from the car. I don't
(06:38):
know what else to do. It's a yoga mat. I've
got two of them in the car. All right, Bill, anything,
I've seen it all before. You seem grizzly, you know,
or grizzled. I am grizzly and grizzled and the most
experienced member of this team. Then why don't you have
a talk with could be Jim? Hey, Jim is that
(06:58):
your name? So let's go with Jim. Uh. Look, pal,
if you just dangle yourself over the balcony, I think
I can almost grab your ankle. You don't get it,
None of you get it. And that's the problem here.
I'm jumping because I've tried my I've tried my hardest
(07:21):
to do the best I could do, and it's not enough.
Can you give us an example of you trying your hardest?
Specificity would be nice and please project sir, there's a
crowd for me. Why do you mean to look? I
work hard, Okay, I take care of my body. I
take care of my brain. I show up to work,
I work over time. I I have things, I spend money,
(07:45):
and yet I still don't feel fulfilled. Privilege. This is
a really nice house, you know. Back in the Commissioner's office,
we've got a word for this. Somebody that's sort of
been driven to the brink by their opinions on comedy
and entertainment. It's an otherwise fulfilling life. It's called it's
(08:06):
called just everybody's got an opinion. We it's a well, yeah,
it's an ego. You call it an ego. Everybody's got
always skip the a everybody's got right right. So basically,
this man's ego and his egotism as we has driven
him out to the to the brink of of of existence.
You got to write a book. I don't see anyone
(08:28):
showing any empathy whatsoever for this felon. He seems on
a lot of pain. I think he seems angry. Thank you, neighbor.
We'll get back just a second. He always seems angry.
And you know what else, he stole my paper last week?
Which paper? Would that be? Cat Daily? And you said
he doesn't like the cats. It's a mystery to me
why he would do something like that. He's range a
(08:49):
daily newspaper about cats. That's right, it's a two pa.
Never heard of that periodical? Man, Can you please stand back? Absolutely,
I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Why second, we we
went to get another yoga mat No, you all failed,
you all failed, And how do we fail? Because look,
you're not you're just talking amongst yourselves down there. I
(09:10):
can't hear you, sir. What we're trying to tell you
is that there's no good reason to end it right
here and now, there's no good reason for all of
this spectacle I know you're upset with the zeitgeist, but
people are gonna like what they like, and you gotta
let them. It used to be good. It used to
be good, that's true, sir. Was it good nineties? You
(09:34):
got a good pointing signs of cultural cynicism, and that
is it's probably been stewing for a while. Is your
favorite TV show back on Carmen San Diego? Sir? That
was a good show. All right, that was a good show.
And it really showcased the fine art of acapella. Because
(09:56):
if I work hard, I deserve a little a little
escapist him, right, right, sure, But I tune in and
and and and I plug in, and I get nothing.
Nothing feels good, nothing's satisfying, nothing's funny, Nothing's nothing. When
was the last time he took a vacation, Jim? I
go once a year. Where do you go? Geronimo Hills
(10:19):
up in Washington? Right? Uh? Who was the last time
you went? Oh? That schedule it's coming up next week? Okay,
So what how about we all pitch in the fellas
and maybe a neighbor here? And uh, all right, that's
kind of sting, doesn't It's an interview if you want
(10:42):
an on camera interview. Yeah, you walk that off, Jim,
walk it off. Okay, all right off. See, folks, this
is what we in the Commissioner's office downtown call a
teachable moment. This man has just learned the difference between
a metaphysical sting upsetting the zeitgeist and not liking what
other people like, and actual sting of a strain or
sprain to his ankle area. Do you know, guys, it's
(11:06):
true what they say? What do they say? They say?
As soon as you leap, you regret it? Really And
as soon as my feet left that rooftop, that was fast,
that all point eight seconds, that's all you were thinking of.
More than that. Context saves lives more than that. I thought,
I regret this, And then I thought, how's Brett. I
haven't called my best friend brettan a long time. Let's
(11:27):
get now she's a c And then I thought, I
have a cell phone now, offered it earlier, but it
was for you to use, it wasn't for him to use.
You owe me an apology. Anything you'd like to say
to your neighbor. I want to say, thank you, thank
you for making the neighborhood a little brighter. And for
her copy of Cat Daily. Did you take Cat Daily?
(11:50):
I don't know what that is. Apparently it's my paper, Okay,
I don't know. It was missing on Tuesday. By the way,
I hear you listening to run the cheers in your place,
and everybody know what's your name? There? Everybody and your gym? Right, Well,
this is what it's all about. This is why we
(12:13):
do this, this is why, this is why I can't help.
But I think we should be headed to Main Street
where that pizza shop is burning down right now, and
we'll get to that in a second. Okay, okay, okay, right, yeah,
where's the fire? I just want to make sure that
guy's ankle is in sprain. Yeah, I'm okay. I just
rolled it a little bit. Well, sir, I hope you
got the appropriate attention to keep you from doing something
(12:35):
crazy like this. Again, I got appropriate attention for the
meantime that there's the rub. Is there anything we can
do for you before we leave, because apparently there's a fire.
Are you going to use these yoga mats? No, Brian
are one of them? You could probably let these go. Well,
my wife and I you'll figure it out, Jim. Sorry,
(12:58):
that's not your name. It's okay, someone, I thank you all.
Let's bring it in for a little hug. Sounds nic
I call hamburglass alright, yeah, alright, bring it in, ma'am.
He before you guys head out, mind letting me know
what what you're tuning into or what what podcasts you're
listening to, or I'll just say it. I can't get
(13:18):
away from work. So the whole true crime genre has
enveloped my my ever existence. Yeah, so I watch um
alf Yeah sure, sure, talking about the early days, right,
it's a bit procedural for me. Yeah, Davy Land a
lot of stuff on TV. Yeah, yeah, I just listened
(13:39):
to auxiliary podcasts like like, oh both you need both
of the yoga mat Fine, listen to one of the
history of Dalmatians that I'm really into. I love being
a fireman. Thank you for that. Well. I enjoy anything
(14:00):
that has a competition and also food I can't afford. Okay,
you know it's really helpful. It's a high stakes with
steaks kind of thing that I'm into. That's just just
check out both of the fire Festival documentaries, just one
of Netflix one on Hulu. I would recommend watching both
(14:23):
of them. Okay, yeah, hey, I feel better. And if
I made Hammerglasses it, yes, sir, you gotta you gotta
do some some comedy professionally. Really, I never thought was
that funny. There's there's an open mic near the pizza
place on Main. Oh, and you don't like comedy? Yeah
(14:45):
right now, all right, I guess we're headed to the
pizza place on Maine where that could be. It's too
much heat in that kitchen. Well, I mean by the
time we, you know, finished putting out the fire, he
should have a type five. Let's give it a go. Yeah,
all right, we take you out to the open mic
night referred to earlier and uh, Hammerglasses first stand up performance. Wow, Hey,
(15:12):
what a beautiful crowd. Oh thanks, thanks so much. Now
you really are beautiful. I would maybe say on a
scale from one to ten, you're on average of seven
and a half. So good job on that. Uh. And
so it's no secret I worked for the Commissioner's office.
It's pretty funny down there. But I did sign a
(15:32):
lot of NDA, so I can't really go into that.
You just have to take my word for it. I
helped a guy off alleged the other day I he
seemed pretty upset about you know, what people thought was
funny and what people didn't think was funny. And he
didn't agree with that. He know where he fitted into
that whole thing. Yeah, and so so so I tell him,
(15:53):
I tell him, you know, look, you gotta let people
like what they like and not hate him for it,
you know. And he was and you know, and no, no, listen,
this is a funny part. This is the funny part.
This is a funny part. The guy. The guy jumps
off the building anyway and then agrees with me, that's
that's the funny part. And that agrees it was. It was.
(16:16):
It was a pretty I guess you had to be
there stage with hammerglass on the manager of the club. Wow,
that felt good. I felt like I was on fire
there and that's on a fireman. I should use that.
Let me write that down. Look, how my glass, I'm
gonna be honest with you. I think you really got something.
You think I think you really really got something. Well
you are perceptive, sir, Yeah, yeah, Look, this is my business. Okay.
(16:39):
I don't know how to put out fires, okay, but
I know how to start something. You know what I mean?
You know what I mean, listen, I always wanted to
be the next Andy Murphy. Okay, hey you can be
you think. Here's what I'm saying. Okay, walk into your office.
Quit right now. No more fire stuff for you. It's
we're going on the road. I don't know how my
wife will feel about Oh oh oh, I'm so right.
(17:00):
Thought you wanted to do comedy? You know that was
my bad? Okay, ha, my Glass, you have a good day.
Well now hold on, hold that second, hold on. I
mean you know, I'm just a civil servant right now.
I'm tied down. It's not that easy. It's not as
easy as like, you know, just cutting a string. Like
I'm like, my life's a trust chicken. You know what
I'm saying. As I like that you're funny, your your
natural story. I like cooking shows. I do. I like
(17:21):
cooking shows. I learned on a lot of those. Hammerglass
has a conversation with his wife. So how is your
day wasn't as exciting as yours? What do you? Whatever?
Do you mean? My hero? Do you think you know what?
I was talking to my therapist a mom today, Yeah, yeah,
just saying how grateful I am to be married to
(17:42):
a real hero. How's your mother doing? Is she okay? So?
How's her foot? Her foot is not great, but it's
still dangling. Goodness, something she's got that one left. I
really hope she pulls through. She's a sweet lady when
she's dressing. No hero, though, Na, you are my hero.
Come on now, listen, Miriam. You don't mean let's make
another hammer glass? Well, you know, before we start making
(18:05):
plans for the mid future's home. Who did you save today? Well?
I saved this guy who couldn't find anything he liked
on any streaming service. He tried to jump off a
bridge building I got. I get a bridge in a building. Confused.
You're a hero, daddy, Well you know, thanks us, proud, thanks. Look,
(18:29):
I have a big announcement family meeting. You're running for office.
He's running for office. I'm going to be a senator. Spot.
I have decided to quit the commissioner's office and become
a stand up come out. I in what a stand
up come Outia? No me? Why are you? I'm not crying.
(18:49):
I'm not I'm not crying. I did five minutes and
I need some time alone with your father. I did
five minutes at the at the burned down pizza parlor
the other day, and the guy comes out to me
after the show and he tells me I got something.
He told me I could be the next Andy Murphy.
Who is Andy Murphy? It's it's that guy from from Taxi,
(19:10):
that guy from Taxi and then from Saturday Night Life.
You can't do this to our family. This is not
on the plan. Look at the board. It's not on
the board. You know what I can't do. I can't
resist this calling that's coming from inside me saying Hammerglass,
do some comedy. I know you overflow with passion, but
you have to get it for the right reasons. We're
(19:31):
climbing to the top. What's a better reason than bringing shows.
Politics is a better reason. Be a real hero politics,
get in office, talk about a comedic job. Am I right?
See that's the kind of thing I'm talking about. You're
not relevant, not I have my finger on the pulse, okay,
and you feel it. Bump bump, bump, bump bump bump.
This is not funny. You'll you won't succeed you Listen.
(19:56):
I'm trying to really, I want to be supportive and
I do love you. I love you. Year old but
I will leave you if you become a comedian. I'll
take the children and I'll go gosh, you're really putting
me in a strange situation. You know Dan Frankenstein that
I used to date. Yeah, I know, what are you saying?
I'm saying anything. I don't want to be saying what
(20:17):
I've said. But well, someone just dropped the Frankenbaum on
this conversation, and I want someone to take reminded you
that Dan Frankenstein of Frankenstein's Chevrolet. Well, I also want
to remind you that Dan Frankenstein cannot medically grow facial here.
And I want to remind you that there's spray on
(20:38):
for everything, you know. Okay, fine, you give me a
lot to think about. You give me a lot to think.
Frankenstein could be the next senator with the right person
behind him. Yeah, you know what, You're probably right. I don't.
I don't know what I was thinking. Get out there, car,
(21:02):
car gard. Our second suggestion comes from Matt in Canada's
so good. Don't forget to pick up a pickup at
frankenstein Chevrolet. Matt and Canada rights. Hey, there, chemists or alchemists.
I'm going to suggest really enjoy your podcast. It helps
(21:25):
pass the many hours of tedium which are my life.
So uh if that isn't fulfilling as creative people, I
don't know what is my favorite bits? Oh, he's got favorite,
he's spelled favorite of the British way he dropped you
in there. My favorite bits are the British Gang, Snazzy Fingers,
(21:46):
the Concierge, and Corey Anisum. I've been glared at by
my co workers for excessive snickering. Well we got a
snicker out of him, so that's good. I have three
ideas for you folk, It's only one of which I'm
going to present now. A busy office that is more
concerned about production than quality is under a tight deadline
(22:09):
from their increasingly neurotic boss. Any and all measures must
be taken to get this work out. Had the confident
she's down again. That's all we need. No coffee now.
I have Monster Energy Drink in my desk. I have
Monster Energy drinking. I've got enough for everybody. What flavors
(22:32):
you got, I got mostly the red flavor. I also
have the blue flavor. Come on over to my desk.
I'll get everybody jazz stuff. We're gonna get this done?
We are they just sleep? Who needs sleep? Who needs
to come on? Guys? Here? Work attention everybody. I have
a paper in front of me, and the arrows are
(22:54):
red and pointing down. You know I need them to
be green and pointing. Oh a good point. He's got
a good point. We've got to finish this before he
comes back out with these graphs. I can't take the
pressure here. I think I'm gonna have to quit. You
can take the pressure. What are you trying to accomplish today?
It's just I want to I just want to have
(23:14):
a steady job that I don't have to worry about
getting fired. Workload? What's your workload today? Yes, I'm working
a tight eight hours. What you're working on, Jared Letten?
You need to start wearing a swim cap so you
stop pulling your hair all there on your work up?
Three taps of Excel docs and I honestly don't know
what any all right, listen, Let's I got an idea.
(23:35):
Let's just let's just delegates. Let's let's just delegate. Okay,
Like we each take a corner of this bathtub and
lifted over the finish line. You know what I'm saying
like it's a summer camp thing. You guys never went
the summer camp. I went the summer camp, but we
didn't have bathtubs. They had a group tower. Well, how
would you carry a bathtub before at a time? Listen,
(23:56):
it doesn't matter. It's just that there was a bathtub
race at a camp I went to when I was seven.
What I'm saying is is that Jerry should we should
move Jerry over to arrows. Just put Jerry ran on arrows.
Let him worry about that, okay, and then you you
keep providing all of the refreshments, keeping us like fueled
up and everything like Paul. Paul can coalate, staple and copy.
(24:17):
What about me? There's not a lot of my plate
right now. Puts up it on my plate. Okay, fine, fine, okay,
thetub on his plate. Listen. You can make sure that
all of the workspaces stay clean and organized while we go.
That's my job. Yeah, it sounds like I'm the only
one that's doing any real work. Shut up. I mean
everybody's just doing stapling my arrows together and cleaning the workstations.
(24:40):
But don't you see the genius of a Jerry is
now you only have one responsible bad news. Here we go.
We guess we got a call from Rob's wife. She's
in the hospital. What that isn't the worst part? What
the worst part is? I need you to stay late?
What does she have? She was he when I left home?
You like to know, wouldn't you? Wow? That was very cryptic.
(25:04):
This is too cryptic we have Did you have a
way of reaching your wife? Can you text her? Yes?
Text news? I need all the phones, hand them over. Yeah.
I need you to make more product less texty, more products.
I honestly can text and clean the workstations at the
(25:24):
same time. That's the only thing I might play. Please
tell me what's wrong with my wife? Listen here, good
livelihood depends good. I was putting out more products. Tell
us what do we make here? What do we make here?
How do we make here? We make arrows? You're wrong?
(25:50):
Piping the best piping in the world. We make the
best piping in the world. I can touch our piping.
He saved all your asses. Thank you, Really piping, I
just feel so detached from the product. Just to clarify
all piping, every form of piping pipes, yes, not pipes,
but pipes that the time you smoke? How long have
you worked here? I am on refreshment channeling. I'm going
(26:17):
back to my office, come back to I may need
a word with you individually, as today is employee evaluation day.
Definitely full broke. Okay. Look, look, we all know that
we make the thirty second best brands of piping in
the world, and we got to get to thirty. Yeah,
(26:37):
we gotta get to thirty already. Sure, that just an analogy,
but ab since we're in piping, look, okay, yeah, we're
in piping. Okay, so let's just finish this work at
the same level of quality that we make with our piping. Okay,
and you know what, question about the air The arrows
(27:01):
were flipping the other way refreshing okay, okay, monster energy
drink anyone? Are you done with that? Are you done
with that? Monster any you just trying to clear some
room here? You should really be checking on your wife.
Oh god, she has ever been second day in her life.
She was gonna go bungee jumping a day though there's
blood all over my keyboard. Can't bomb up your nose, babe,
(27:24):
bleeding out of your nose. He broke my nose, all right, well,
what do you do? Cry about it? Already, Jerry, put
on this swim cap, stuff my tamp on, up your
nose and get over it. Alright, Look here, I finished
one packet, and this is what it should look like
when it's finished. Here, it's beautiful, good looking packet. Can't
(27:45):
do that. You can do that. You just have to
look at it, use it as an example and create
your own. Can we just go through it step by step? Sure? Okay, okay,
is it my wife? Is it my wife? Yeah, I'm sure.
I'm sure she's not doing great, Rob frankly, but for
the rest of you, you got an update. It sounds
(28:08):
like he's just speculating at this. Don't speculated in my
opinion based on the information I know. I bet she's
not doing terrific. Now moving on, two of you need
to go. No, I'll go get out of here. I
can't do that. He volunteers. No, that's not how this works.
(28:30):
I'm leaving it up to you. Yeah, that's right, all right.
He's been doing a great job of the office. He
knows you guys better than I do. I'm leaving it
up to you. You've gotta fire two of them. But
it can't be the two who want to go home
the most is broken that I want to stay. I
want to stay. I've got to say, this is it, Travis.
(28:52):
You wanted middle management. It's time to grip those nips
and give him a rip. All right, try yes, sir? Yeah, Hey,
I forgot to ask the you and mrs want to
go on on the boat this weekend. This guy's sticking around.
I'll take that. Yes, Jerry, I am going to ask
you to take the rest of your life off. Yeah.
(29:17):
I don't know if you're necessarily cut out for the
piping street. I don't think so either. Yeah, maybe you
want to try something in aqueducts or something like that.
This is I still qualify for unemployment, right, just not
really my problem at this point. So, I mean, you're
terminating me and it's not my fault. I just want
you to gather all your things. I want you to
(29:38):
gather all your things and all your DNA and just
pack stuff up and please leave. Thank you that. Then
there were three traffics you're gonna pick. Well, I'm not
sure if you're mentally ill or from the future, so
I'm going to have to ask you to leave as well.
Thank you. Just take this and this and this and
(30:01):
this and then we'll get more energy drink. I don't
know if you man, I don't think. Did you just
take the intercom? That is actually company? Wait? Wait wait,
nobody leave? Bad news? Bad news, I'm assuming, yeah, doculate. Okay,
(30:22):
so here's the information. Jerry, get back over here, get
over here. But I just sit down. No, no, no,
no one's fired. Okay, we're not. We're no longer in piping.
We were just sold and bought. We are now in tech.
Raise your hand if you can code? Can I have
(30:44):
a code? Okay? What's your code? I have like a
ruddy nose and like a little bit of a sore throat. Okay,
all right, I need you guys to work on the app. Okay.
The name is Boogie Bugie. I don't know what it
does yet, fixee bo Free breadsticks Finder. It means fancy
(31:11):
for perceptions sake right, free breadsticks Finder. Okay, you're like,
that's what it is. You're proposing something else entirely, how
to find bread stick. Any restaurants that have free breath
sticks would be uploaded into Bougee. You want to feel
nice and fancy, you go somewhere with the bottomless breath
things that my wife loves all of gusts. All right,
(31:39):
what about it brings breadsticks to whatever restaurant you're at? Okay,
So where are the bread sticks coming from? They're coming
from them, They're coming from the helpful breadstick makers at Bougie.
Could be a different dipping sauces shirt shirt. I'm not
(32:01):
doing sauces. Why would we complicate with I don't know.
I can't taste anything anyway with this code. Just think
of it this way. How many times have you sat
down at a fancy restaurant and which did you? Okay?
How many times have you sat down at like a
cheap diner? Many times? Great? And and wish that you
(32:21):
had a fancy basket of breadsticks? That? Yeah, you do? Okay.
So now now with Bougie, you can use the app
to get your breadsticks wherever you're free. Well for a
monthly you just type in where you're at and breadsticks arrived,
breadsticks or the via. I don't want to be negative,
(32:41):
but I'm pretty sure that if I had somebody bringing
me free bread sticks to Turtle his diner, she would
say that I'm bringing outside food and say that it's
not allowed. Listen. That's for the executives to figure out.
That's for the executives to figure out. News news. Well,
this does uh this is about your wife. Uh yeah,
(33:05):
he came in saying bad news. Yeah, okay, that's right. Uh.
First of all, we've been sold again or out of
a tech or out at tech. We've got so many
breadsticks coming. We're in medical medical. H that's right, which
is where your wife comes in. Uh? Ironically enough, coincidentally,
(33:27):
what's the word? I don't know? You keep us get Okay,
all right, here's the thing. We now need to use
all these plastic fittings to make body parts. Okay which
body part? But these plastic fittings are from when we
used to be in piping. That's right, that's right. I
was going to use these plastic fittings for breadsticks. For second,
the plastic fittings gonna make everyone thinner. Sure high design.
(33:53):
So if you replace the foot or a hand, that's
the thinning piping. Look, I don't want to be here
for the brainstorming. You know, I'm not a creative type. Okay,
but I will say you're the bad news type. I'm
gonna give you Hey, Well, it's just I'm gonna say,
uh for Rob's just so that you have an idea
of where to go with this. With what you're making here,
(34:14):
consider making something like um, like a jaw, like a nose,
like a skull. He's back in his office. I'm so sorry, Rob.
You know what, I admire that man reads well because
of his random cruelty and confusion. It's the kind of
(34:37):
management style I aspired to Travis. I don't think you're
cut out to be a manager. I think that you're
probably a bad person. Rober, you need to ride to
the air to the hospital. Why are we responsible for
reconstructing my wife's face? I think he was just hinting. No,
I don't think it was actually applying. I mean, think
of it this way. Now, your wife has a real
chance of having a brand new face built out of
(34:59):
the thirty best piping in the world. Also, if we
may Rob, maybe this is the time everyone kind of
comes clean a little her face before it look like
she got hit with some piping. You always you always
said how beautiful she was. Yeah, because I think a
side of beef is beautiful. Because I'm I'm hungry and
I like beef. God, we have a lot in comments,
(35:23):
so now she can have very specific features. I hope
you all get my code, you other bitches. Oh yes,
let's get out of the hospital at the workplace if
we can. Oh, your poor wife. We never even found
out what happened to her. We never found out most
something I'd like to think they're up to. Yeah. This
(35:52):
one is from Brian Moss. Greetings, Alchemy team. I've been
a fan since day one, and your show has never
failed to crack me up. There's a term I don't
hear enough anymore that really cracked me up. So it's
an older fellow problem. I'd like to ask one small,
teeny tiny favor. One show week just doesn't seem like enough.
(36:16):
Any chance you guys and Gal could do a new
show every day forever and ever? Amen. I'd like to
throw in my own scene suggestion with just three words,
rival Lemonade stands. Thanks for reading this and being my
(36:42):
number one all time favorite podcast. I work in retail,
and every and then every customer interaction with the following, Hey,
you should really listen to the Alchemy this podcast. You'll
love it. Management recently sat me down and reprimanded me
and asked me to not do that, which Irish bonded. Okay,
but if you guys listen to alchemy this so I
(37:03):
just wanted to take the time during this two days
suspension to write your moss. I write you and let
you know to keep up the great and hilarious work.
I regret nothing, Brian, even if he's just even if
(37:24):
he's just a comedy writer, that was a very funny message.
He's a courageous man. Yeah. So let's take you now
to the rival. Lemonade stands word on the street of us. Yeah,
I'm using splendor. It's good. It's you don't laugh. Don't laugh.
There are some people when you get older, you're going
(37:46):
to realize that health is important. Kiddo. It's very interesting,
you know, even on the competition, it doesn't scare me. Listen,
I'm a senior citizen and I've got all the time
in the world. Well, listen to this. I'm going into
a straight and I've only got two teeth in the front.
We'll see how this date plays. Aut Moster Nelson, you
better not be taking any of my customers school. Hi,
(38:12):
I see I am. I'm trying to get my grandma
leg Oh, no, how much for a couple? Little girl?
Excuse me, sir, she's on my driveway. I'm selling this lemonade.
What this is my driveway? These are my lemonades. And
I'm so far your granddaughter. No, she's my neighbor over there.
The thing is with my lawn. It's not paved like
(38:35):
this driveway. And I'm afraid of hooding a womb. Oh well,
this is certainly a great location. And location is everything
like you want to buy from Mr Nelson. Grandma doesn't
need a wig. How much is your liminad? It's seven dollars,
seven dollars. No way, here you go, kid, thank you.
(38:57):
This is two dollars. And that's too kind. Have a
good a right, good good luck. Get your goddamn lemonade
off my goddamn driveway. Hey dad, how's the lemonade stand going?
It's going pretty good. It's pretty good. Hey Mallory, I
didn't see you there. I got to see you. Yeah,
(39:19):
it's good to see you too, kid. How school? Oh? School, Well,
it's exciting every day. That is my old man treating you. Okay,
out here, you guys having fun. We're having so much fun,
aren't we. Yes, I just saw the lemonade. You did. Congratulation.
Thank you. You know, I just finished mop in the yard.
(39:40):
Pretty uh, pretty parched myself. I could go for a lemonade.
Oh what'd you like some real sugar? Oh my goodness,
I do love real sugar. Actually you should probably. I mean,
you're getting up into that age that it's important for
your health. So mine's diet. It's got splendor. Come on, dad,
I've had your lemonade lots of times, okay, I mean,
and I live with you. I grew up with you,
(40:02):
and as you grew old, you came and lived with me.
We we do lemonade all the time. I mean Wednesday's
lemonade day. Let me try Mallori's for a change. I
want to live a little. Oh it's okay, you can
have your dad's lemonade. He wants the pocket money to
bet on the ponies. I'm favor Listen, I excuse me,
I'm sorry, which one of whose malory? Malory? I got
(40:24):
a sugar delivery here, and I guess you can put
it in the back. You got it though, how about that? Dad?
Mallory's got a sugar guy. I'm not very listen, I
don't appreciate you helping support my rifle. Come on, she's
just a kid. Dad cut her some slack. Did anybody
(40:45):
cut me slack when I was a kid? No? In fact,
they made it harder on me. When I squirmed and
I was in pain, they pressed harder. Hey, you know
I've got a single mom. You do somewhat of a
latch key kid in the day and age, but that's
not something you see every day. I've been pulling myself
up for my bootstraps since I was two years old.
(41:08):
The future is female, dad, I mean, it's if I
argue that. Yeah. I love that T shirt. Well, I
always mopped the lawn in it. Mallory, baby, Hi, sweetheart,
you're having a good day out here. I sure I am.
Are you okay? My blouse came undone again? High? How good?
(41:29):
Good morning, good morning, it's I see it's Brent. Is
that right? That's right? And your charity right, charity, that's right?
And this is my little Mallory. You know what I love, Mallory.
This is my dad. Have you met my dad? I
see him around here. Yeah. I couldn't help, but notice
you were mopping the front yard this afternoon. I always
mopped the yard after dad finishes yelling at the mail.
You don't have to talk to my mom. Do you
(41:50):
guys mind stepping onto your driveway so I can sell
my lemonade? Not at all, as long as Brent wouldn't
mind joining me. I could use a little my being helped.
I wouldn't mind not listen, don't don't worry about my dad.
He's a little cantankerous. He used to work for the
city commissioner. Always want to be a stand up Mallory,
(42:11):
Can mommy have a little cash? Got six bucks? Can
We'll take five and I'll give it back. You know,
I'll give it back to you. That's a good girl.
That's a good girl. Shall we rent? Sure? Absolutely? After you?
I got a lemon delivery from Mallory. Oh that's right.
(42:32):
You can put it in the back by the sugar.
All right, back it up, guys, they'd better be fresh
this time. Mallory. Mallory, Yeah, this humbling moment for me.
But I'm wondering if maybe you could spare a half
dozen lemons? Please, m that's so magic words, I was waylore.
(43:01):
It's hard half dozen? What is that? In today's mark?
It's six Okay, it's six six lemons for my arrival.
It's you know, we don't have to be arrivals. Sometimes malory,
sometimes just having you got some toilet paper dangling off
your chin. Mr Nelson, it's it's from razor. I cut
(43:22):
myself shaving today. Huh. Well, it's the problem is that
I can't borrow any more money from my son. He
doesn't like giving me money interesting, so it's hard for
me to get the you know, the pieces of the
puzzle that makes lemon. I feel for your son. You
know what, I got a mom that's bleeding me dry
every day. I mean, it's I raised. I raised my
(43:47):
son his whole life, and now he's helping. Hi everybody, Hi, Hi, Hi, Hi,
Hi babies Charity. Um, did I hear the lemon truck? Yes,
of course you heard the lemon truck. Mom. I was
yelling about the lemons. He put them by the sugar
of that means Roger's here. Roger is on his way out.
He is untacking the lemons. Roger, Roger, how about the
(44:11):
sugar guy? Did he is he going? What did you do?
The brunt he just had three minutes ago? He's taking
a nap. No well, I'm back for more lemonade. That
that was so delicious. I doubled back a repeat customer.
Here you go, sir, But actually I was thinking about
trying this one, you know, like those rival cheese steak
places in Philly seven bucks. I did go to an
(44:36):
a t M and take out some cash, So you
don't say, hi, I'm charity. Hi? How do you do
a t M? Cash? There is a two of my
favorite words. I don't need charity. Actually I have my
own money. So, uh, it's gonna be made super fresh.
It's gonna be really fresh. I'm intrigued by what a
seven dollar lemonade might be. So charity, you mind helping
(44:56):
me with the thing we were saying earlier, Mr nots
do you mind helping me with the thing I haven't
mentioned yet? I don't remember what it was? Human? Are
you excuse me? Sorry? I'm really thirsty. Absolutely, we understand that, sir.
(45:16):
You're interested in the merger. Merger, that's right. You want
to work for me, work for you or with you?
You want to work for me? Old man? All right,
right right, right, all right, right right right, all right,
but I still get thank you. All right, We're gonna
get this started right now. It's just gonna take a minute, Okay.
I mean I have seven dollars right here. You don't
have a limonade ready to go? No? I had to like,
(45:38):
I'm not going to waste a limit for I'm ready
to go. No, you're not You're not interesting, Okay, I
don't need charity. I'm okay, Lenny. I want you to
keep your hand on all of them. All right, I'm
just gonna have a word, but keep your weapon at
the ready as well. Excuse me, folks, I couldn't help thsty.
(45:59):
I might be arsty. How are you, ma'am? And a
little kid that would love to brighten your day with
a sunshiny flavor of and a horny mom harny mom?
Imagine that? Write? Yeah, thanks, I had a question for you.
I work in the neighbor and I offer protection to
(46:20):
all of the small business owners, uh officers. Yeah, So
I was wondering what how businesses? First of all businesses. Great,
the finished the merger, so that means we're merged, right. Uh?
(46:40):
Do you have some books you could crack open? Forests?
And ma'am what was your name again? That's the horny
mom my horny. Mom. Now, my daughter is young, obviously,
so she probably doesn't understand what's going on. But what
I'm gathering is that you are crooked cops asking for
(47:01):
a piece of the pie, so to speak, so that
you can offer protection against those that may hurt want
to hurt us or in front. I understood that, mom,
But I don't feel threatened in our neighborhoods vision. I
don't feel threatened, only protects. That's where you might be mistaken.
And charity is it? How interested are you in a
(47:21):
little work on the side? Good one? Very very interesting,
very interested? You like money, like cash falling from above? Okay,
I love the way you paint the picture, right, Yeah,
I mean I've been working on you're doing still great? So,
uh if you wouldn't mind when I'm done talking to
(47:43):
the two business owners, take a little girl, take a
little drive with us so we can get a sample
and I figure out what to charge that sort of
a sample. Good one? Bright, disgusting. What was your name,
little girl? Mallory? Mallory Mallory, So you're my name? Yeah,
(48:04):
it's not necessary, Yeah, well Mr Nelson will do. Brent
My name's My name's Brentson. Brent Nelson and Mallory. If
we were to say, on average, what what are you?
What are you pulling down from these two stands in
a week? Sir? Most of it's just donated to the neighborhood.
(48:26):
You're telling me you're really selling lemonade. What's behind behind?
He's got splendors in his and I've got real sicker
in mine or coming and your lemonade. We're still talking
about the same thing. Yes, I think we've driven by
eleven times. Each time there's been people lined up in
(48:48):
front of you. You got to try themade It can't
be that good. It's lemonade. What are we talking about?
What he's trying to say is that is there an
unseen layer to the business you were presenting to the polist.
It's the sort of me cute, unusual friendship of a
child and a senior citizen that really has our street appeal.
And he also administers diabetes medicine to myself, to anybody else,
(49:13):
would your mind sampling the wares, I wouldn't mind what
the hell they're talking that. I wouldn't mind at all.
And I would like to remind all you is that
what my boss is offering you as a hug, and
as we all know, a hug is better than a
rock through your window, right, Okay, so who am I
going to try to have to squeeze your cup out?
All right, well I'll take yours. Then you go served
(49:35):
with a smile. Yeah, oh yeah, every part of my taste, bud,
So yeah, yeah, I'm alright. I just you want to
take a knee? Yeah, I mean I get my back
hurts a little bit from everything. Yeah. Oh wow, that
is good. That is good. That was all your way
(49:56):
of saying you were enjoying that. That's he went through
my whole body and maybe hurt and then feel good
in places I ain't a place, so it was amazing.
What are you charging for that? That's a two hour glass?
First of all, it's a paper cup, so let's stop
saying a glass. Excuse me, I'm the passer by from before.
I don't know if you remember me. You sold me
(50:18):
a glass of seven dollar lemonade. I just I took
it home because I was so excited to drink it.
And what is in that? That is rancid? How do
you funk up lemonade? Three ingredients? Part of me? So?
What is your name? My name is Carl Weathers, all right,
(50:39):
not the actor Carl, Mr Weathers. Yes, you took lemonade home.
You bought lemonade from your stands. I took, did not
drink it is over. Oh well wait her lemonade was excellent.
Thank you Mallory you're talking about I'm talking about Mallory. Yes,
lemonade was fantastic. It was a total body experienced. Literally
(51:03):
brought Lenny to his knees. Brent the seven, I have
not tried that yet, but I heard bad things. Well,
here's the thing. I got the lemons from Malory. It's
so if there's something rantid about it, when did you
get the lemons? Exactly? Did you get the lemons before
this gentleman here, Mr Weathers took his home, or did
(51:24):
you get those lemons after? Let me just it's gonna
be embarrassing, but I didn't have lemons, so I borrowed
some lemons from Malory and made you're rancid. I had
got one job to do sell lemonade. Well, and you
came to a six and a half seven year old
six and three quarters and you asked the child for
(51:46):
some lemons for your own business. Normally I wouldn't. But
she just got a delivery and I was normally normally
he scared. Yes, and sir, you had a complaint. Look
if I could just get another cup from Mallory to
clean my palate. So you drove all the way, I
walked all the way back time a passer by to
(52:09):
cleanse your palate. Oh what do we think of Malory's lemonade?
Oh it's amazing, it really is. He's good because your
face is freezing up a little. It's tart, but it's sweet.
It made me feel six and three quarters. It made
me feel like It made me feel like I was six,
Like you were young again, like I was young again.
Like I can I ask one thing? Can you wait
(52:30):
in the car? Sorry? Charity? Charity? Yes? Um, I think
it's time we talked a little business here. But I
don't want to embarrass anybody and whatnot? Would you mind
also waiting in the car? Actually I can't do that
because you're all under arrest. I've been in cover this
(52:51):
entire time. Crooked cops say, the crooked old man Malory,
take your mask off? Why am I? Because you're paying
for goods on the street, that's right, Taxes on that
you trapped me. You entrapped me, alright, everybody get down
(53:12):
on the ground. You're all going, and you two cops
see some kind of bad, some sort of you know, no, right,
fair enough, let's get done. You're never really flirting with me, Charity,
I was never really flirting with any aren't even her
real breast? Where's my son, Brent? I'm up from my naphew. Guys,
(53:34):
I mean business's next. Lock him up? Where did I
come back for that seven dollar lemonade? I'm so glad
I can stand up to my full height now. Can
I just say you are a wonderful melody? Oh? Thank
you so much. You know, as Charity, you made some
risk a choice. Diane. I feel like it was anti
woman and sometimes but then ultimately so pro woman. It's
(53:55):
all fine, You're the best. It's like I'm caught in it.
Had hammerglass routine. The world's most famous hammer glass has
a direct line to my funny phone. He's like lemonade
for comedy. He's that this girl's lemonade funny comedy for
(54:17):
Let's go around and thank our Kamis for one hell
of an outing. Uh, let's go to Craigsky Craig anything
in the sign off area for us today, signing off
on Twitter at Craigslist, peak caster at Orange Tucks, improv
for the different factions of my life, Roddy beautiful, but
that's a raglan. Hi, have a great day. Thank you
(54:41):
so much for your contributions and every walk of life.
Go to the typewriter on Instagram or for the boring
stuff Vanessa Hope. But yeah, checked in a type coming
to Los Angeles. You want to see a live show.
Let us take care of you and give you some popcorn, please,
best popcorn on the world. Joining us today, Brad Norman Bradley. Hi,
(55:04):
you can hear me as the voice of Bullwinkle on
the Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle on Amazon Prime. You
heard of that, Kevin. You have the two days shipping,
all the free program yea, the programs I want stuff
in two days or less and all the free ship.
Yeah that I can watch. It's fantastic for me. If
you see him, Jeff, Uncle Jeff, Yeah, he's the best.
(55:25):
I mean, you know, only got sixty six billion left over,
but let's see Chris Alvarado, Christopher, Yeah, you can get
me on the Marvelous mrs masal Oh wait, that's your show.
But I was thinking, you know, we're getting these wonderful fans.
Is that their fans? Yeah, these these fan emails that
are so detailed and so funny. I would like to
know these people are. We have an Instagram right, it's
(55:47):
at alchemy this hash hashtag yourself let us see you
listening to the podcast. That sounds boring, but some way
I want to see you. I would like to communicate. Yeah, yeah,
so so so tag us on your us when you're
listening or you're thinking of something funny and uh, you
know you can always find me a Chris Alvarado alrighty,
James Eeney, Uh, please check out Brief News Brief dot com.
(56:09):
I do a bi weekly news show and it's got
a comedy twists. It's hard to have a comedy twist
on news these days, but that's the intention. Oh so good. Uh,
Kevin Pollock one to three on the Instagram. We do
want to hear from you. Don't just write to us,
Please write to us your name here at alchemy this
dot com. But also, as Chris suggested, in all the
(56:29):
social media ways that you can communicate with us. We
love to interact with our audience and the growing members.
Speaking of which, it's time to reach out to everyone
you've ever met and asked them to listen to Alchemy this,
write a review, subscribe, be involved, and don't forget. You
can see the group live at the west Side Comedy
Theater March That's a Wednesday, eight pm. Get your tickets
(56:51):
at west Side Comedy dot com. Very excited about our
first live show and if you're in the Los Angeles area,
please come check us out. Let's thank god Doug Baine,
the engineer the stars uh so me looked him in
as our producer. We love her so and I heart
Radio the mother Ship. Thank you for the auspices. Uh
(57:14):
and please we'd love to hear from you. Your name
here at all? Give me this dot com Raphael Albo
on the sound design. That's our show for this week.
Thank you and we'll see you next time. I'll not
let me dinner comm
Welcome back to Alchemy. There, I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes,
that Kevin Pollard. With that well, since you put it
that way, I do smell faintly. It's smelling salts. Thank you,
my dear cronies and prom dates. By definition, alchemy is
quote when a person or a person just creates something
through a seemingly magical process. Well, I was recording my
last willing testament. The idea struck me. What if I
(00:23):
brought together the right created people and asked them to
make stuff up based on my own twisted ideas and
they offered a podcast of this seemingly magical process, and
I could call it alchemy. Do you realize your shoes
are on inside out? Well, my loved ones and luncheon
that owners. After a bit of title tinkering, I'm so
very proud to present to you another episode of Alchemy.
(00:44):
This this let's meet our archemists, shall we? In no
particular orders, say hello to Craig Atkowski. Craig A Law.
Do you believe we landed on the moon on July
sixty nine, as the as as was watched by the
world over. I believe we did it on a sound
stage to acted by Mr Kubrick about a year ahead
of time. That is awesome. I'm so glad I asked
(01:05):
you pick up your room. It's but as a Raglan Venetian,
would you let Joey Greer sit for your son? And
if so, I've been asked to enquire as to what
that pays hourly? Absolutely no, that's the way of saying
we missed. Joey Curry's not with us today? Right technically
(01:27):
speaking of fine playmate, also being supervised, Well, jar some pickles,
because here comes Brad Norman. Bra Brad me if you will.
If a bear shits in the woods and no one
sees it, couldn't have been the pope. If it's in Michigan, perfect, ladies,
Chris Alvarado is in the bill, Lady Chris and fellas,
(01:50):
let's not be inclusive, Chris, or let's be Chris, Chris
me like you mean it. Pitch me how you'd sell
the last sad little Christmas tree on the lot. If
you don't buy this, I will slash your tires and
then kill you. How much for the tree? Las mc
(02:13):
crab your pants? If you think him it's James eni
Jim On average? How long does it take you to
fall asleep once in bed, I don't try to sleep
at first. Usually I watched television for an hour, so
once I start to attempt it, it's minutes. And are
you surfing the dials there? Are you dialed into one
particular show? Well, I he's a blue Bloods guy until
(02:38):
I fall asleep or or or locked up. Either way
blue Bloods are locked up. I see the thing all right.
Our suggestions today come from your listener mail that's right
right to us at your name here at alchemy this
dot com. We accept all emails and I read them personally.
Oh yes, I do. That means I'm choosing which one
of you and which one of you won't. But I
(03:00):
do love you also right to us at your name here.
I just want to be clear. I want to take
all the credit and all the blame um your name
here at alchemy this dot com. The sourction comes from
Martin Rubble. Right any relation to Barney He's never got well,
(03:22):
he's missing a bee. Wouldn't you think Rubble with two
b's it could? Here's hoping it's Rubble without the accent.
Martin rub suggest the following the fire Department arrives to
save a suicide jumper only discovered that set jumpers on
the second floor of landing and probably able to get
(03:43):
down easily and safely or likely risk a slight injury.
We take you now to that scene. The fire department
has a rise. Nothing matters, all right, sir? Uh, who's
got a megaphone? Anybody who can here ape? That'll? Oh? Okay,
but do we have his number? Uh? No, here's the
(04:04):
good point. Give me the megaphone. Thank you, per per.
How did this? You know he's not that far away.
You could just shout to him. Good point. Take back
to my megaphone. You just dropped it on the ground. Sure, Sara,
What is your name? Nothing matters? Is that Italian? Is
(04:25):
that a joke? Yeah, you're joking. We're here for you.
I hate jokes. I hate comedy. I hate everything because
nothing matters. A comedy, yeah, for the most part about
improvised comedy, especially because the thing is short form doesn't
do it for me anymore, and long form has become
(04:46):
very mass tratory in my opinion. Fair enough, so you
do have an opinion. Let's go with that. Uh, give
me just a second. Can you guys help get something
underneath him. I gotta I don't know if pau your
hands is not going to do it, Brian, I just
don't think there's a reason to put anything down here
because he's on the second floor. Alright, breaking up, you
(05:07):
guys from here from the Commissioner's office. Susan charges a
crime scene. There's no crime scene yet, unless we're considering
suicidal suicide is a crime in the natural order, Sir,
it counts as a crime scene, and that puts you
in judge. All right, that thank you very much. I'm
Sergeant Ted Hammerglass, and I'm here to make sure that
people stay out of the area while we are. I'm
(05:29):
Marjorie Daniel, I'm the neighbor, and I'm I'm here for
any kind of interview could tell us. Oh well, I
you know, when I was a young girl, I could
always connect quickly with animals, and so I have a
lot of cats at home. I have a dog that
I taught to do crazy things, including yes, use the potty.
You're welcome everyone anyway. He's my neighbor and he will
(05:52):
bang on the wall. He's an angry man. Do you
know his name? Uh? He feels like a gym. It
feels like a gym man. I'm a chant commissioner. Just
a couple of questions. If you notice any out of
the ordinary behavior from your neighbor before this incident? Um, well,
the bank, you know, whenever I'm having the cats sing,
he does do the banging on the walls, which seems
(06:14):
mean he Um, he goes through the trash cans, goes
through or throws away his own trap. Well, I can't tell,
but it's louder than when I throw away the trash.
I think he's a r I'm think banging on the
walls could just be a critique on the cats. It
most certainly is, but it's it's loaded with ray. Excuse me,
excuse me. I'm just putting this yoga mat down. I'm
gonna go get another one from the car. I don't
(06:38):
know what else to do. It's a yoga mat. I've
got two of them in the car. All right, Bill, anything,
I've seen it all before. You seem grizzly, you know,
or grizzled. I am grizzly and grizzled and the most
experienced member of this team. Then why don't you have
a talk with could be Jim? Hey, Jim is that
(06:58):
your name? So let's go with Jim. Uh. Look, pal,
if you just dangle yourself over the balcony, I think
I can almost grab your ankle. You don't get it,
None of you get it. And that's the problem here.
I'm jumping because I've tried my I've tried my hardest
(07:21):
to do the best I could do, and it's not enough.
Can you give us an example of you trying your hardest?
Specificity would be nice and please project sir, there's a
crowd for me. Why do you mean to look? I
work hard, Okay, I take care of my body. I
take care of my brain. I show up to work,
I work over time. I I have things, I spend money,
(07:45):
and yet I still don't feel fulfilled. Privilege. This is
a really nice house, you know. Back in the Commissioner's office,
we've got a word for this. Somebody that's sort of
been driven to the brink by their opinions on comedy
and entertainment. It's an otherwise fulfilling life. It's called it's
(08:06):
called just everybody's got an opinion. We it's a well, yeah,
it's an ego. You call it an ego. Everybody's got
always skip the a everybody's got right right. So basically,
this man's ego and his egotism as we has driven
him out to the to the brink of of of existence.
You got to write a book. I don't see anyone
(08:28):
showing any empathy whatsoever for this felon. He seems on
a lot of pain. I think he seems angry. Thank you, neighbor.
We'll get back just a second. He always seems angry.
And you know what else, he stole my paper last week?
Which paper? Would that be? Cat Daily? And you said
he doesn't like the cats. It's a mystery to me
why he would do something like that. He's range a
(08:49):
daily newspaper about cats. That's right, it's a two pa.
Never heard of that periodical? Man, Can you please stand back? Absolutely,
I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Why second, we we
went to get another yoga mat No, you all failed,
you all failed, And how do we fail? Because look,
you're not you're just talking amongst yourselves down there. I
(09:10):
can't hear you, sir. What we're trying to tell you
is that there's no good reason to end it right
here and now, there's no good reason for all of
this spectacle I know you're upset with the zeitgeist, but
people are gonna like what they like, and you gotta
let them. It used to be good. It used to
be good, that's true, sir. Was it good nineties? You
(09:34):
got a good pointing signs of cultural cynicism, and that
is it's probably been stewing for a while. Is your
favorite TV show back on Carmen San Diego? Sir? That
was a good show. All right, that was a good show.
And it really showcased the fine art of acapella. Because
(09:56):
if I work hard, I deserve a little a little
escapist him, right, right, sure, But I tune in and
and and and I plug in, and I get nothing.
Nothing feels good, nothing's satisfying, nothing's funny, Nothing's nothing. When
was the last time he took a vacation, Jim? I
go once a year. Where do you go? Geronimo Hills
(10:19):
up in Washington? Right? Uh? Who was the last time
you went? Oh? That schedule it's coming up next week? Okay,
So what how about we all pitch in the fellas
and maybe a neighbor here? And uh, all right, that's
kind of sting, doesn't It's an interview if you want
(10:42):
an on camera interview. Yeah, you walk that off, Jim,
walk it off. Okay, all right off. See, folks, this
is what we in the Commissioner's office downtown call a
teachable moment. This man has just learned the difference between
a metaphysical sting upsetting the zeitgeist and not liking what
other people like, and actual sting of a strain or
sprain to his ankle area. Do you know, guys, it's
(11:06):
true what they say? What do they say? They say?
As soon as you leap, you regret it? Really And
as soon as my feet left that rooftop, that was fast,
that all point eight seconds, that's all you were thinking of.
More than that. Context saves lives more than that. I thought,
I regret this, And then I thought, how's Brett. I
haven't called my best friend brettan a long time. Let's
(11:27):
get now she's a c And then I thought, I
have a cell phone now, offered it earlier, but it
was for you to use, it wasn't for him to use.
You owe me an apology. Anything you'd like to say
to your neighbor. I want to say, thank you, thank
you for making the neighborhood a little brighter. And for
her copy of Cat Daily. Did you take Cat Daily?
(11:50):
I don't know what that is. Apparently it's my paper, Okay,
I don't know. It was missing on Tuesday. By the way,
I hear you listening to run the cheers in your place,
and everybody know what's your name? There? Everybody and your gym? Right, Well,
this is what it's all about. This is why we
(12:13):
do this, this is why, this is why I can't help.
But I think we should be headed to Main Street
where that pizza shop is burning down right now, and
we'll get to that in a second. Okay, okay, okay, right, yeah,
where's the fire? I just want to make sure that
guy's ankle is in sprain. Yeah, I'm okay. I just
rolled it a little bit. Well, sir, I hope you
got the appropriate attention to keep you from doing something
(12:35):
crazy like this. Again, I got appropriate attention for the
meantime that there's the rub. Is there anything we can
do for you before we leave, because apparently there's a fire.
Are you going to use these yoga mats? No, Brian
are one of them? You could probably let these go. Well,
my wife and I you'll figure it out, Jim. Sorry,
(12:58):
that's not your name. It's okay, someone, I thank you all.
Let's bring it in for a little hug. Sounds nic
I call hamburglass alright, yeah, alright, bring it in, ma'am.
He before you guys head out, mind letting me know
what what you're tuning into or what what podcasts you're
listening to, or I'll just say it. I can't get
(13:18):
away from work. So the whole true crime genre has
enveloped my my ever existence. Yeah, so I watch um
alf Yeah sure, sure, talking about the early days, right,
it's a bit procedural for me. Yeah, Davy Land a
lot of stuff on TV. Yeah, yeah, I just listened
(13:39):
to auxiliary podcasts like like, oh both you need both
of the yoga mat Fine, listen to one of the
history of Dalmatians that I'm really into. I love being
a fireman. Thank you for that. Well. I enjoy anything
(14:00):
that has a competition and also food I can't afford. Okay,
you know it's really helpful. It's a high stakes with
steaks kind of thing that I'm into. That's just just
check out both of the fire Festival documentaries, just one
of Netflix one on Hulu. I would recommend watching both
(14:23):
of them. Okay, yeah, hey, I feel better. And if
I made Hammerglasses it, yes, sir, you gotta you gotta
do some some comedy professionally. Really, I never thought was
that funny. There's there's an open mic near the pizza
place on Main. Oh, and you don't like comedy? Yeah
(14:45):
right now, all right, I guess we're headed to the
pizza place on Maine where that could be. It's too
much heat in that kitchen. Well, I mean by the
time we, you know, finished putting out the fire, he
should have a type five. Let's give it a go. Yeah,
all right, we take you out to the open mic
night referred to earlier and uh, Hammerglasses first stand up performance. Wow, Hey,
(15:12):
what a beautiful crowd. Oh thanks, thanks so much. Now
you really are beautiful. I would maybe say on a
scale from one to ten, you're on average of seven
and a half. So good job on that. Uh. And
so it's no secret I worked for the Commissioner's office.
It's pretty funny down there. But I did sign a
(15:32):
lot of NDA, so I can't really go into that.
You just have to take my word for it. I
helped a guy off alleged the other day I he
seemed pretty upset about you know, what people thought was
funny and what people didn't think was funny. And he
didn't agree with that. He know where he fitted into
that whole thing. Yeah, and so so so I tell him,
(15:53):
I tell him, you know, look, you gotta let people
like what they like and not hate him for it,
you know. And he was and you know, and no, no, listen,
this is a funny part. This is the funny part.
This is a funny part. The guy. The guy jumps
off the building anyway and then agrees with me, that's
that's the funny part. And that agrees it was. It was.
(16:16):
It was a pretty I guess you had to be
there stage with hammerglass on the manager of the club. Wow,
that felt good. I felt like I was on fire
there and that's on a fireman. I should use that.
Let me write that down. Look, how my glass, I'm
gonna be honest with you. I think you really got something.
You think I think you really really got something. Well
you are perceptive, sir, Yeah, yeah, Look, this is my business. Okay.
(16:39):
I don't know how to put out fires, okay, but
I know how to start something. You know what I mean?
You know what I mean, listen, I always wanted to
be the next Andy Murphy. Okay, hey you can be
you think. Here's what I'm saying. Okay, walk into your office.
Quit right now. No more fire stuff for you. It's
we're going on the road. I don't know how my
wife will feel about Oh oh oh, I'm so right.
(17:00):
Thought you wanted to do comedy? You know that was
my bad? Okay, ha, my Glass, you have a good day.
Well now hold on, hold that second, hold on. I
mean you know, I'm just a civil servant right now.
I'm tied down. It's not that easy. It's not as
easy as like, you know, just cutting a string. Like
I'm like, my life's a trust chicken. You know what
I'm saying. As I like that you're funny, your your
natural story. I like cooking shows. I do. I like
(17:21):
cooking shows. I learned on a lot of those. Hammerglass
has a conversation with his wife. So how is your
day wasn't as exciting as yours? What do you? Whatever?
Do you mean? My hero? Do you think you know what?
I was talking to my therapist a mom today, Yeah, yeah,
just saying how grateful I am to be married to
(17:42):
a real hero. How's your mother doing? Is she okay? So?
How's her foot? Her foot is not great, but it's
still dangling. Goodness, something she's got that one left. I
really hope she pulls through. She's a sweet lady when
she's dressing. No hero, though, Na, you are my hero.
Come on now, listen, Miriam. You don't mean let's make
another hammer glass? Well, you know, before we start making
(18:05):
plans for the mid future's home. Who did you save today? Well?
I saved this guy who couldn't find anything he liked
on any streaming service. He tried to jump off a
bridge building I got. I get a bridge in a building. Confused.
You're a hero, daddy, Well you know, thanks us, proud, thanks. Look,
(18:29):
I have a big announcement family meeting. You're running for office.
He's running for office. I'm going to be a senator. Spot.
I have decided to quit the commissioner's office and become
a stand up come out. I in what a stand
up come Outia? No me? Why are you? I'm not crying.
(18:49):
I'm not I'm not crying. I did five minutes and
I need some time alone with your father. I did
five minutes at the at the burned down pizza parlor
the other day, and the guy comes out to me
after the show and he tells me I got something.
He told me I could be the next Andy Murphy.
Who is Andy Murphy? It's it's that guy from from Taxi,
(19:10):
that guy from Taxi and then from Saturday Night Life.
You can't do this to our family. This is not
on the plan. Look at the board. It's not on
the board. You know what I can't do. I can't
resist this calling that's coming from inside me saying Hammerglass,
do some comedy. I know you overflow with passion, but
you have to get it for the right reasons. We're
(19:31):
climbing to the top. What's a better reason than bringing shows.
Politics is a better reason. Be a real hero politics,
get in office, talk about a comedic job. Am I right?
See that's the kind of thing I'm talking about. You're
not relevant, not I have my finger on the pulse, okay,
and you feel it. Bump bump, bump, bump bump bump.
This is not funny. You'll you won't succeed you Listen.
(19:56):
I'm trying to really, I want to be supportive and
I do love you. I love you. Year old but
I will leave you if you become a comedian. I'll
take the children and I'll go gosh, you're really putting
me in a strange situation. You know Dan Frankenstein that
I used to date. Yeah, I know, what are you saying?
I'm saying anything. I don't want to be saying what
(20:17):
I've said. But well, someone just dropped the Frankenbaum on
this conversation, and I want someone to take reminded you
that Dan Frankenstein of Frankenstein's Chevrolet. Well, I also want
to remind you that Dan Frankenstein cannot medically grow facial here.
And I want to remind you that there's spray on
(20:38):
for everything, you know. Okay, fine, you give me a
lot to think about. You give me a lot to think.
Frankenstein could be the next senator with the right person
behind him. Yeah, you know what, You're probably right. I don't.
I don't know what I was thinking. Get out there, car,
(21:02):
car gard. Our second suggestion comes from Matt in Canada's
so good. Don't forget to pick up a pickup at
frankenstein Chevrolet. Matt and Canada rights. Hey, there, chemists or alchemists.
I'm going to suggest really enjoy your podcast. It helps
(21:25):
pass the many hours of tedium which are my life.
So uh if that isn't fulfilling as creative people, I
don't know what is my favorite bits? Oh, he's got favorite,
he's spelled favorite of the British way he dropped you
in there. My favorite bits are the British Gang, Snazzy Fingers,
(21:46):
the Concierge, and Corey Anisum. I've been glared at by
my co workers for excessive snickering. Well we got a
snicker out of him, so that's good. I have three
ideas for you folk, It's only one of which I'm
going to present now. A busy office that is more
concerned about production than quality is under a tight deadline
(22:09):
from their increasingly neurotic boss. Any and all measures must
be taken to get this work out. Had the confident
she's down again. That's all we need. No coffee now.
I have Monster Energy Drink in my desk. I have
Monster Energy drinking. I've got enough for everybody. What flavors
(22:32):
you got, I got mostly the red flavor. I also
have the blue flavor. Come on over to my desk.
I'll get everybody jazz stuff. We're gonna get this done?
We are they just sleep? Who needs sleep? Who needs
to come on? Guys? Here? Work attention everybody. I have
a paper in front of me, and the arrows are
(22:54):
red and pointing down. You know I need them to
be green and pointing. Oh a good point. He's got
a good point. We've got to finish this before he
comes back out with these graphs. I can't take the
pressure here. I think I'm gonna have to quit. You
can take the pressure. What are you trying to accomplish today?
It's just I want to I just want to have
(23:14):
a steady job that I don't have to worry about
getting fired. Workload? What's your workload today? Yes, I'm working
a tight eight hours. What you're working on, Jared Letten?
You need to start wearing a swim cap so you
stop pulling your hair all there on your work up?
Three taps of Excel docs and I honestly don't know
what any all right, listen, Let's I got an idea.
(23:35):
Let's just let's just delegates. Let's let's just delegate. Okay,
Like we each take a corner of this bathtub and
lifted over the finish line. You know what I'm saying
like it's a summer camp thing. You guys never went
the summer camp. I went the summer camp, but we
didn't have bathtubs. They had a group tower. Well, how
would you carry a bathtub before at a time? Listen,
(23:56):
it doesn't matter. It's just that there was a bathtub
race at a camp I went to when I was seven.
What I'm saying is is that Jerry should we should
move Jerry over to arrows. Just put Jerry ran on arrows.
Let him worry about that, okay, and then you you
keep providing all of the refreshments, keeping us like fueled
up and everything like Paul. Paul can coalate, staple and copy.
(24:17):
What about me? There's not a lot of my plate
right now. Puts up it on my plate. Okay, fine, fine, okay,
thetub on his plate. Listen. You can make sure that
all of the workspaces stay clean and organized while we go.
That's my job. Yeah, it sounds like I'm the only
one that's doing any real work. Shut up. I mean
everybody's just doing stapling my arrows together and cleaning the workstations.
(24:40):
But don't you see the genius of a Jerry is
now you only have one responsible bad news. Here we go.
We guess we got a call from Rob's wife. She's
in the hospital. What that isn't the worst part? What
the worst part is? I need you to stay late?
What does she have? She was he when I left home?
You like to know, wouldn't you? Wow? That was very cryptic.
(25:04):
This is too cryptic we have Did you have a
way of reaching your wife? Can you text her? Yes?
Text news? I need all the phones, hand them over. Yeah.
I need you to make more product less texty, more products.
I honestly can text and clean the workstations at the
(25:24):
same time. That's the only thing I might play. Please
tell me what's wrong with my wife? Listen here, good
livelihood depends good. I was putting out more products. Tell
us what do we make here? What do we make here?
How do we make here? We make arrows? You're wrong?
(25:50):
Piping the best piping in the world. We make the
best piping in the world. I can touch our piping.
He saved all your asses. Thank you, Really piping, I
just feel so detached from the product. Just to clarify
all piping, every form of piping pipes, yes, not pipes,
but pipes that the time you smoke? How long have
you worked here? I am on refreshment channeling. I'm going
(26:17):
back to my office, come back to I may need
a word with you individually, as today is employee evaluation day.
Definitely full broke. Okay. Look, look, we all know that
we make the thirty second best brands of piping in
the world, and we got to get to thirty. Yeah,
(26:37):
we gotta get to thirty already. Sure, that just an analogy,
but ab since we're in piping, look, okay, yeah, we're
in piping. Okay, so let's just finish this work at
the same level of quality that we make with our piping. Okay,
and you know what, question about the air The arrows
(27:01):
were flipping the other way refreshing okay, okay, monster energy
drink anyone? Are you done with that? Are you done
with that? Monster any you just trying to clear some
room here? You should really be checking on your wife.
Oh god, she has ever been second day in her life.
She was gonna go bungee jumping a day though there's
blood all over my keyboard. Can't bomb up your nose, babe,
(27:24):
bleeding out of your nose. He broke my nose, all right, well,
what do you do? Cry about it? Already, Jerry, put
on this swim cap, stuff my tamp on, up your
nose and get over it. Alright, Look here, I finished
one packet, and this is what it should look like
when it's finished. Here, it's beautiful, good looking packet. Can't
(27:45):
do that. You can do that. You just have to
look at it, use it as an example and create
your own. Can we just go through it step by step? Sure? Okay, okay,
is it my wife? Is it my wife? Yeah, I'm sure.
I'm sure she's not doing great, Rob frankly, but for
the rest of you, you got an update. It sounds
(28:08):
like he's just speculating at this. Don't speculated in my
opinion based on the information I know. I bet she's
not doing terrific. Now moving on, two of you need
to go. No, I'll go get out of here. I
can't do that. He volunteers. No, that's not how this works.
(28:30):
I'm leaving it up to you. Yeah, that's right, all right.
He's been doing a great job of the office. He
knows you guys better than I do. I'm leaving it
up to you. You've gotta fire two of them. But
it can't be the two who want to go home
the most is broken that I want to stay. I
want to stay. I've got to say, this is it, Travis.
(28:52):
You wanted middle management. It's time to grip those nips
and give him a rip. All right, try yes, sir? Yeah, Hey,
I forgot to ask the you and mrs want to
go on on the boat this weekend. This guy's sticking around.
I'll take that. Yes, Jerry, I am going to ask
you to take the rest of your life off. Yeah.
(29:17):
I don't know if you're necessarily cut out for the
piping street. I don't think so either. Yeah, maybe you
want to try something in aqueducts or something like that.
This is I still qualify for unemployment, right, just not
really my problem at this point. So, I mean, you're
terminating me and it's not my fault. I just want
you to gather all your things. I want you to
(29:38):
gather all your things and all your DNA and just
pack stuff up and please leave. Thank you that. Then
there were three traffics you're gonna pick. Well, I'm not
sure if you're mentally ill or from the future, so
I'm going to have to ask you to leave as well.
Thank you. Just take this and this and this and
(30:01):
this and then we'll get more energy drink. I don't
know if you man, I don't think. Did you just
take the intercom? That is actually company? Wait? Wait wait,
nobody leave? Bad news? Bad news, I'm assuming, yeah, doculate. Okay,
(30:22):
so here's the information. Jerry, get back over here, get
over here. But I just sit down. No, no, no,
no one's fired. Okay, we're not. We're no longer in piping.
We were just sold and bought. We are now in tech.
Raise your hand if you can code? Can I have
(30:44):
a code? Okay? What's your code? I have like a
ruddy nose and like a little bit of a sore throat. Okay,
all right, I need you guys to work on the app. Okay.
The name is Boogie Bugie. I don't know what it
does yet, fixee bo Free breadsticks Finder. It means fancy
(31:11):
for perceptions sake right, free breadsticks Finder. Okay, you're like,
that's what it is. You're proposing something else entirely, how
to find bread stick. Any restaurants that have free breath
sticks would be uploaded into Bougee. You want to feel
nice and fancy, you go somewhere with the bottomless breath
things that my wife loves all of gusts. All right,
(31:39):
what about it brings breadsticks to whatever restaurant you're at? Okay,
So where are the bread sticks coming from? They're coming
from them, They're coming from the helpful breadstick makers at Bougie.
Could be a different dipping sauces shirt shirt. I'm not
(32:01):
doing sauces. Why would we complicate with I don't know.
I can't taste anything anyway with this code. Just think
of it this way. How many times have you sat
down at a fancy restaurant and which did you? Okay?
How many times have you sat down at like a
cheap diner? Many times? Great? And and wish that you
(32:21):
had a fancy basket of breadsticks? That? Yeah, you do? Okay.
So now now with Bougie, you can use the app
to get your breadsticks wherever you're free. Well for a
monthly you just type in where you're at and breadsticks arrived,
breadsticks or the via. I don't want to be negative,
(32:41):
but I'm pretty sure that if I had somebody bringing
me free bread sticks to Turtle his diner, she would
say that I'm bringing outside food and say that it's
not allowed. Listen. That's for the executives to figure out.
That's for the executives to figure out. News news. Well,
this does uh this is about your wife. Uh yeah,
(33:05):
he came in saying bad news. Yeah, okay, that's right. Uh.
First of all, we've been sold again or out of
a tech or out at tech. We've got so many
breadsticks coming. We're in medical medical. H that's right, which
is where your wife comes in. Uh? Ironically enough, coincidentally,
(33:27):
what's the word? I don't know? You keep us get Okay,
all right, here's the thing. We now need to use
all these plastic fittings to make body parts. Okay which
body part? But these plastic fittings are from when we
used to be in piping. That's right, that's right. I
was going to use these plastic fittings for breadsticks. For second,
the plastic fittings gonna make everyone thinner. Sure high design.
(33:53):
So if you replace the foot or a hand, that's
the thinning piping. Look, I don't want to be here
for the brainstorming. You know, I'm not a creative type. Okay,
but I will say you're the bad news type. I'm
gonna give you Hey, Well, it's just I'm gonna say,
uh for Rob's just so that you have an idea
of where to go with this. With what you're making here,
(34:14):
consider making something like um, like a jaw, like a nose,
like a skull. He's back in his office. I'm so sorry, Rob.
You know what, I admire that man reads well because
of his random cruelty and confusion. It's the kind of
(34:37):
management style I aspired to Travis. I don't think you're
cut out to be a manager. I think that you're
probably a bad person. Rober, you need to ride to
the air to the hospital. Why are we responsible for
reconstructing my wife's face? I think he was just hinting. No,
I don't think it was actually applying. I mean, think
of it this way. Now, your wife has a real
chance of having a brand new face built out of
(34:59):
the thirty best piping in the world. Also, if we
may Rob, maybe this is the time everyone kind of
comes clean a little her face before it look like
she got hit with some piping. You always you always
said how beautiful she was. Yeah, because I think a
side of beef is beautiful. Because I'm I'm hungry and
I like beef. God, we have a lot in comments,
(35:23):
so now she can have very specific features. I hope
you all get my code, you other bitches. Oh yes,
let's get out of the hospital at the workplace if
we can. Oh, your poor wife. We never even found
out what happened to her. We never found out most
something I'd like to think they're up to. Yeah. This
(35:52):
one is from Brian Moss. Greetings, Alchemy team. I've been
a fan since day one, and your show has never
failed to crack me up. There's a term I don't
hear enough anymore that really cracked me up. So it's
an older fellow problem. I'd like to ask one small,
teeny tiny favor. One show week just doesn't seem like enough.
(36:16):
Any chance you guys and Gal could do a new
show every day forever and ever? Amen. I'd like to
throw in my own scene suggestion with just three words,
rival Lemonade stands. Thanks for reading this and being my
(36:42):
number one all time favorite podcast. I work in retail,
and every and then every customer interaction with the following, Hey,
you should really listen to the Alchemy this podcast. You'll
love it. Management recently sat me down and reprimanded me
and asked me to not do that, which Irish bonded. Okay,
but if you guys listen to alchemy this so I
(37:03):
just wanted to take the time during this two days
suspension to write your moss. I write you and let
you know to keep up the great and hilarious work.
I regret nothing, Brian, even if he's just even if
(37:24):
he's just a comedy writer, that was a very funny message.
He's a courageous man. Yeah. So let's take you now
to the rival. Lemonade stands word on the street of us. Yeah,
I'm using splendor. It's good. It's you don't laugh. Don't laugh.
There are some people when you get older, you're going
(37:46):
to realize that health is important. Kiddo. It's very interesting,
you know, even on the competition, it doesn't scare me. Listen,
I'm a senior citizen and I've got all the time
in the world. Well, listen to this. I'm going into
a straight and I've only got two teeth in the front.
We'll see how this date plays. Aut Moster Nelson, you
better not be taking any of my customers school. Hi,
(38:12):
I see I am. I'm trying to get my grandma
leg Oh, no, how much for a couple? Little girl?
Excuse me, sir, she's on my driveway. I'm selling this lemonade.
What this is my driveway? These are my lemonades. And
I'm so far your granddaughter. No, she's my neighbor over there.
The thing is with my lawn. It's not paved like
(38:35):
this driveway. And I'm afraid of hooding a womb. Oh well,
this is certainly a great location. And location is everything
like you want to buy from Mr Nelson. Grandma doesn't
need a wig. How much is your liminad? It's seven dollars,
seven dollars. No way, here you go, kid, thank you.
(38:57):
This is two dollars. And that's too kind. Have a
good a right, good good luck. Get your goddamn lemonade
off my goddamn driveway. Hey dad, how's the lemonade stand going?
It's going pretty good. It's pretty good. Hey Mallory, I
didn't see you there. I got to see you. Yeah,
(39:19):
it's good to see you too, kid. How school? Oh? School, Well,
it's exciting every day. That is my old man treating you. Okay,
out here, you guys having fun. We're having so much fun,
aren't we. Yes, I just saw the lemonade. You did. Congratulation.
Thank you. You know, I just finished mop in the yard.
(39:40):
Pretty uh, pretty parched myself. I could go for a lemonade.
Oh what'd you like some real sugar? Oh my goodness,
I do love real sugar. Actually you should probably. I mean,
you're getting up into that age that it's important for
your health. So mine's diet. It's got splendor. Come on, dad,
I've had your lemonade lots of times, okay, I mean,
and I live with you. I grew up with you,
(40:02):
and as you grew old, you came and lived with me.
We we do lemonade all the time. I mean Wednesday's
lemonade day. Let me try Mallori's for a change. I
want to live a little. Oh it's okay, you can
have your dad's lemonade. He wants the pocket money to
bet on the ponies. I'm favor Listen, I excuse me,
I'm sorry, which one of whose malory? Malory? I got
(40:24):
a sugar delivery here, and I guess you can put
it in the back. You got it though, how about that? Dad?
Mallory's got a sugar guy. I'm not very listen, I
don't appreciate you helping support my rifle. Come on, she's
just a kid. Dad cut her some slack. Did anybody
(40:45):
cut me slack when I was a kid? No? In fact,
they made it harder on me. When I squirmed and
I was in pain, they pressed harder. Hey, you know
I've got a single mom. You do somewhat of a
latch key kid in the day and age, but that's
not something you see every day. I've been pulling myself
up for my bootstraps since I was two years old.
(41:08):
The future is female, dad, I mean, it's if I
argue that. Yeah. I love that T shirt. Well, I
always mopped the lawn in it. Mallory, baby, Hi, sweetheart,
you're having a good day out here. I sure I am.
Are you okay? My blouse came undone again? High? How good?
(41:29):
Good morning, good morning, it's I see it's Brent. Is
that right? That's right? And your charity right, charity, that's right?
And this is my little Mallory. You know what I love, Mallory.
This is my dad. Have you met my dad? I
see him around here. Yeah. I couldn't help, but notice
you were mopping the front yard this afternoon. I always
mopped the yard after dad finishes yelling at the mail.
You don't have to talk to my mom. Do you
(41:50):
guys mind stepping onto your driveway so I can sell
my lemonade? Not at all, as long as Brent wouldn't
mind joining me. I could use a little my being helped.
I wouldn't mind not listen, don't don't worry about my dad.
He's a little cantankerous. He used to work for the
city commissioner. Always want to be a stand up Mallory,
(42:11):
Can mommy have a little cash? Got six bucks? Can
We'll take five and I'll give it back. You know,
I'll give it back to you. That's a good girl.
That's a good girl. Shall we rent? Sure? Absolutely? After you?
I got a lemon delivery from Mallory. Oh that's right.
(42:32):
You can put it in the back by the sugar.
All right, back it up, guys, they'd better be fresh
this time. Mallory. Mallory, Yeah, this humbling moment for me.
But I'm wondering if maybe you could spare a half
dozen lemons? Please, m that's so magic words, I was waylore.
(43:01):
It's hard half dozen? What is that? In today's mark?
It's six Okay, it's six six lemons for my arrival.
It's you know, we don't have to be arrivals. Sometimes malory,
sometimes just having you got some toilet paper dangling off
your chin. Mr Nelson, it's it's from razor. I cut
(43:22):
myself shaving today. Huh. Well, it's the problem is that
I can't borrow any more money from my son. He
doesn't like giving me money interesting, so it's hard for
me to get the you know, the pieces of the
puzzle that makes lemon. I feel for your son. You
know what, I got a mom that's bleeding me dry
every day. I mean, it's I raised. I raised my
(43:47):
son his whole life, and now he's helping. Hi everybody, Hi, Hi, Hi, Hi,
Hi babies Charity. Um, did I hear the lemon truck? Yes,
of course you heard the lemon truck. Mom. I was
yelling about the lemons. He put them by the sugar
of that means Roger's here. Roger is on his way out.
He is untacking the lemons. Roger, Roger, how about the
(44:11):
sugar guy? Did he is he going? What did you do?
The brunt he just had three minutes ago? He's taking
a nap. No well, I'm back for more lemonade. That
that was so delicious. I doubled back a repeat customer.
Here you go, sir, But actually I was thinking about
trying this one, you know, like those rival cheese steak
places in Philly seven bucks. I did go to an
(44:36):
a t M and take out some cash, So you
don't say, hi, I'm charity. Hi? How do you do
a t M? Cash? There is a two of my
favorite words. I don't need charity. Actually I have my
own money. So, uh, it's gonna be made super fresh.
It's gonna be really fresh. I'm intrigued by what a
seven dollar lemonade might be. So charity, you mind helping
(44:56):
me with the thing we were saying earlier, Mr nots
do you mind helping me with the thing I haven't
mentioned yet? I don't remember what it was? Human? Are
you excuse me? Sorry? I'm really thirsty. Absolutely, we understand that, sir.
(45:16):
You're interested in the merger. Merger, that's right. You want
to work for me, work for you or with you?
You want to work for me? Old man? All right,
right right, right, all right, right right right, all right,
but I still get thank you. All right, We're gonna
get this started right now. It's just gonna take a minute, Okay.
I mean I have seven dollars right here. You don't
have a limonade ready to go? No? I had to like,
(45:38):
I'm not going to waste a limit for I'm ready
to go. No, you're not You're not interesting, Okay, I
don't need charity. I'm okay, Lenny. I want you to
keep your hand on all of them. All right, I'm
just gonna have a word, but keep your weapon at
the ready as well. Excuse me, folks, I couldn't help thsty.
(45:59):
I might be arsty. How are you, ma'am? And a
little kid that would love to brighten your day with
a sunshiny flavor of and a horny mom harny mom?
Imagine that? Write? Yeah, thanks, I had a question for you.
I work in the neighbor and I offer protection to
(46:20):
all of the small business owners, uh officers. Yeah, So
I was wondering what how businesses? First of all businesses. Great,
the finished the merger, so that means we're merged, right. Uh?
(46:40):
Do you have some books you could crack open? Forests?
And ma'am what was your name again? That's the horny
mom my horny. Mom. Now, my daughter is young, obviously,
so she probably doesn't understand what's going on. But what
I'm gathering is that you are crooked cops asking for
(47:01):
a piece of the pie, so to speak, so that
you can offer protection against those that may hurt want
to hurt us or in front. I understood that, mom,
But I don't feel threatened in our neighborhoods vision. I
don't feel threatened, only protects. That's where you might be mistaken.
And charity is it? How interested are you in a
(47:21):
little work on the side? Good one? Very very interesting,
very interested? You like money, like cash falling from above? Okay,
I love the way you paint the picture, right, Yeah,
I mean I've been working on you're doing still great? So,
uh if you wouldn't mind when I'm done talking to
(47:43):
the two business owners, take a little girl, take a
little drive with us so we can get a sample
and I figure out what to charge that sort of
a sample. Good one? Bright, disgusting. What was your name,
little girl? Mallory? Mallory Mallory, So you're my name? Yeah,
(48:04):
it's not necessary, Yeah, well Mr Nelson will do. Brent
My name's My name's Brentson. Brent Nelson and Mallory. If
we were to say, on average, what what are you?
What are you pulling down from these two stands in
a week? Sir? Most of it's just donated to the neighborhood.
(48:26):
You're telling me you're really selling lemonade. What's behind behind?
He's got splendors in his and I've got real sicker
in mine or coming and your lemonade. We're still talking
about the same thing. Yes, I think we've driven by
eleven times. Each time there's been people lined up in
(48:48):
front of you. You got to try themade It can't
be that good. It's lemonade. What are we talking about?
What he's trying to say is that is there an
unseen layer to the business you were presenting to the polist.
It's the sort of me cute, unusual friendship of a
child and a senior citizen that really has our street appeal.
And he also administers diabetes medicine to myself, to anybody else,
(49:13):
would your mind sampling the wares, I wouldn't mind what
the hell they're talking that. I wouldn't mind at all.
And I would like to remind all you is that
what my boss is offering you as a hug, and
as we all know, a hug is better than a
rock through your window, right, Okay, so who am I
going to try to have to squeeze your cup out?
All right, well I'll take yours. Then you go served
(49:35):
with a smile. Yeah, oh yeah, every part of my taste, bud,
So yeah, yeah, I'm alright. I just you want to
take a knee? Yeah, I mean I get my back
hurts a little bit from everything. Yeah. Oh wow, that
is good. That is good. That was all your way
(49:56):
of saying you were enjoying that. That's he went through
my whole body and maybe hurt and then feel good
in places I ain't a place, so it was amazing.
What are you charging for that? That's a two hour glass?
First of all, it's a paper cup, so let's stop
saying a glass. Excuse me, I'm the passer by from before.
I don't know if you remember me. You sold me
(50:18):
a glass of seven dollar lemonade. I just I took
it home because I was so excited to drink it.
And what is in that? That is rancid? How do
you funk up lemonade? Three ingredients? Part of me? So?
What is your name? My name is Carl Weathers, all right,
(50:39):
not the actor Carl, Mr Weathers. Yes, you took lemonade home.
You bought lemonade from your stands. I took, did not
drink it is over. Oh well wait her lemonade was excellent.
Thank you Mallory you're talking about I'm talking about Mallory. Yes,
lemonade was fantastic. It was a total body experienced. Literally
(51:03):
brought Lenny to his knees. Brent the seven, I have
not tried that yet, but I heard bad things. Well,
here's the thing. I got the lemons from Malory. It's
so if there's something rantid about it, when did you
get the lemons? Exactly? Did you get the lemons before
this gentleman here, Mr Weathers took his home, or did
(51:24):
you get those lemons after? Let me just it's gonna
be embarrassing, but I didn't have lemons, so I borrowed
some lemons from Malory and made you're rancid. I had
got one job to do sell lemonade. Well, and you
came to a six and a half seven year old
six and three quarters and you asked the child for
(51:46):
some lemons for your own business. Normally I wouldn't. But
she just got a delivery and I was normally normally
he scared. Yes, and sir, you had a complaint. Look
if I could just get another cup from Mallory to
clean my palate. So you drove all the way, I
walked all the way back time a passer by to
(52:09):
cleanse your palate. Oh what do we think of Malory's lemonade?
Oh it's amazing, it really is. He's good because your
face is freezing up a little. It's tart, but it's sweet.
It made me feel six and three quarters. It made
me feel like It made me feel like I was six,
Like you were young again, like I was young again.
Like I can I ask one thing? Can you wait
(52:30):
in the car? Sorry? Charity? Charity? Yes? Um, I think
it's time we talked a little business here. But I
don't want to embarrass anybody and whatnot? Would you mind
also waiting in the car? Actually I can't do that
because you're all under arrest. I've been in cover this
(52:51):
entire time. Crooked cops say, the crooked old man Malory,
take your mask off? Why am I? Because you're paying
for goods on the street, that's right, Taxes on that
you trapped me. You entrapped me, alright, everybody get down
(53:12):
on the ground. You're all going, and you two cops
see some kind of bad, some sort of you know, no, right,
fair enough, let's get done. You're never really flirting with me, Charity,
I was never really flirting with any aren't even her
real breast? Where's my son, Brent? I'm up from my naphew. Guys,
(53:34):
I mean business's next. Lock him up? Where did I
come back for that seven dollar lemonade? I'm so glad
I can stand up to my full height now. Can
I just say you are a wonderful melody? Oh? Thank
you so much. You know, as Charity, you made some
risk a choice. Diane. I feel like it was anti
woman and sometimes but then ultimately so pro woman. It's
(53:55):
all fine, You're the best. It's like I'm caught in it.
Had hammerglass routine. The world's most famous hammer glass has
a direct line to my funny phone. He's like lemonade
for comedy. He's that this girl's lemonade funny comedy for
(54:17):
Let's go around and thank our Kamis for one hell
of an outing. Uh, let's go to Craigsky Craig anything
in the sign off area for us today, signing off
on Twitter at Craigslist, peak caster at Orange Tucks, improv
for the different factions of my life, Roddy beautiful, but
that's a raglan. Hi, have a great day. Thank you
(54:41):
so much for your contributions and every walk of life.
Go to the typewriter on Instagram or for the boring
stuff Vanessa Hope. But yeah, checked in a type coming
to Los Angeles. You want to see a live show.
Let us take care of you and give you some popcorn, please,
best popcorn on the world. Joining us today, Brad Norman Bradley. Hi,
(55:04):
you can hear me as the voice of Bullwinkle on
the Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle on Amazon Prime. You
heard of that, Kevin. You have the two days shipping,
all the free program yea, the programs I want stuff
in two days or less and all the free ship.
Yeah that I can watch. It's fantastic for me. If
you see him, Jeff, Uncle Jeff, Yeah, he's the best.
(55:25):
I mean, you know, only got sixty six billion left over,
but let's see Chris Alvarado, Christopher, Yeah, you can get
me on the Marvelous mrs masal Oh wait, that's your show.
But I was thinking, you know, we're getting these wonderful fans.
Is that their fans? Yeah, these these fan emails that
are so detailed and so funny. I would like to
know these people are. We have an Instagram right, it's
(55:47):
at alchemy this hash hashtag yourself let us see you
listening to the podcast. That sounds boring, but some way
I want to see you. I would like to communicate. Yeah, yeah,
so so so tag us on your us when you're
listening or you're thinking of something funny and uh, you
know you can always find me a Chris Alvarado alrighty,
James Eeney, Uh, please check out Brief News Brief dot com.
(56:09):
I do a bi weekly news show and it's got
a comedy twists. It's hard to have a comedy twist
on news these days, but that's the intention. Oh so good. Uh,
Kevin Pollock one to three on the Instagram. We do
want to hear from you. Don't just write to us,
Please write to us your name here at alchemy this
dot com. But also, as Chris suggested, in all the
(56:29):
social media ways that you can communicate with us. We
love to interact with our audience and the growing members.
Speaking of which, it's time to reach out to everyone
you've ever met and asked them to listen to Alchemy this,
write a review, subscribe, be involved, and don't forget. You
can see the group live at the west Side Comedy
Theater March That's a Wednesday, eight pm. Get your tickets
(56:51):
at west Side Comedy dot com. Very excited about our
first live show and if you're in the Los Angeles area,
please come check us out. Let's thank god Doug Baine,
the engineer the stars uh so me looked him in
as our producer. We love her so and I heart
Radio the mother Ship. Thank you for the auspices. Uh
(57:14):
and please we'd love to hear from you. Your name
here at all? Give me this dot com Raphael Albo
on the sound design. That's our show for this week.
Thank you and we'll see you next time. I'll not
let me dinner comm
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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