June 29, 2021 • 60 mins
Fireworks salesman under performs.
A pocket full of skoal.
Law and Order in the 100 acre woods.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Well, welcome back to another episode of Alchemy, this one edition.
And that's right, let's not nineteen. No one gathered indoors
last night with a bunch of devil backs. There's a
whole lot of people maybe und I don't know, really,
said joe Say. Sixty thousand people were there. Everyone, everyone
(00:25):
beating this year. Everyone ever. Everyone shook hands and hugged
Joey looked so nervous. I was so scared. It was hilarious.
It really was one of the funny thing I've seen
a long time, just how nervous he was. Um, but
I digress. Let's meet our archemist shaller no particular order,
(00:45):
please say hello to Chris avar rodeo Surf Seasons, says Solo, Sunny,
what was the last thing you built? You're gonna need
a moment, kay. Um My fiance's uh father has this
(01:06):
gigantic grill. I didn't build build it, but this is
the first thing that came into mind. Beautiful. It's like
a Cadillac of girls. It's got like the direct like
gas line hooked into it type stuff. But it wasn't working.
And we spent some time at their at their their house,
their their beach house recently, and I said, you know,
I'm gonna fix this thing. I'm telling you everybody, I
(01:28):
worked on that thing for like three days in a row,
eight hours a day. Come on you, I am not
kidding you. Uh. And what it was was as when
we and we all know, oh no, I'm gonna I'm
gonna forget the name. But it was a faulty uh spark, Yeah,
thing fixed? Yeah, this is what I fixed. Well, yeah,
(01:49):
I mean it works. It was for the three day
endeavor that it daed in fact work and I scrubbed it,
scrubbed it, scrubbed it too while I was in there,
you know, forever. And then joy why Joy? Why you laughing?
I mean I am so I'm humbled by the confidence
to do that. I would be terrified. Well also also
(02:12):
also there are a couple of moments where I go,
I'm absolutely done, I cannot do this, I can I
cannot do this, And I'm like, fool. My nails are
full of grease and there's parts everywhere everywhere. Can I
guess what the driving force was having to go back
to your future father in lawn saying yeah, I couldn't
(02:34):
do I would have rather died. When you say the
smart thing, was it the thing that basically clicks for
the gas to get ignited. Jeez, I know this name
so well. Um yes, but James ignit No no, no, no,
no no no, So it isn't. It isn't the push part.
It's what because there's four different spark plugs type of thing.
(02:56):
So in my house growing up, what we'd do is
we'd use a long lighter and we just light each
of the grills like that could have an option. You
couldn't tell that that was the solution. That was an option.
That's that's an option, not a solution. Yeah, hey, you
know you're here, use this long lighter, James says. It's
the solutions like driving a cat like you're gonna have
(03:16):
to use the screw driver, turn it on right, smooth,
and it's the solution. I'm so impressed that you stayed
in the pocket because while you started the story, don't
I tell the person to come to it. I don't
have a lot, you know, No, I got you, and
I'm like, I'll fucking die are I'm with Joey. It's
(03:41):
impressive to even have the confidence to go, I I
have to do this. I mean, hey, look over there,
it's judge James Heeney, Johnny the Jello lover. What's the
weirdest thing you used your feet? Four? The weirdest thing
I've used my feet for? Well, you don't. You don't
have to, James, James, you don't have to answer this.
(04:04):
I suppose that it is. Probably there are times that
if something's out of reach, I'll use it for anything.
It's like being amadextrous, but with both hands and feet.
So there's definitely been times where I've had to use
for controller or mouse. What it's like being a monkey,
is it? I guess so? Yeah? Yeah? But I please okay.
(04:28):
And by the way, James, I should have qualified. Killing
a person was on the list. I could probably snap
a neck with my feet. That was what we were
looking for. Thank you, officer. I'll give you the address
in just a moment. Now, please welcome a tool sing
sweet A favorite pie? Oh, this is very easy. Apple
pie is my favorite. I rank it and the apple,
(04:49):
then pecan, and then pumpkins down at like fifteen. Because
it's tracked. He's been he's been specifically hurtful. Yeah, he's
hurtful to both of us. I'm not even not listening.
I've already I've already spoken way too long on this intro.
But I just gotta say one thing again. I don't
have a lot going on everybody. I was walking my
dog last week and I'm you not. This woman goes,
(05:10):
excuse me, excuse me, and she had her phones, but
she goes, are you pie guy? No way? It made
my whole liar. Yeah. I was like, well, yes, I am.
I mean, I mean, she's a fan of Jessica's obviously,
but like I just I felt so good. And then
I ran to her husband. He goes, I heard your
nut cookie guy. Anyway, I'm just feeling good about myself.
(05:32):
I'm feel I'm so glad you're doing this withe you know,
and my horrible, gigantic, out of control legal thought, are
you pie guy? Meant she listened to alchemy this? Oh no, no,
holy crap. Mark Gagliardi is here twice to gal I am,
(05:52):
will you shave your legs for a job? Um? Oh,
for a job? Okay. I didn't know if that was
just you going like right now in this will you
shave your leg You know? It's funny you mentioned that. U.
I uh, I'm sure, I would if it's the right job,
and I got to wear you know, tasteful hose over
it if I needed to afterwards, if I perhaps my
(06:13):
legs didn't look up to what I hope they would.
I did recently have to shave a chunk out of
my leg hair keep talking, because I I was rollerblading.
I fell, I scraped my leg and I had to
shave the hair off of it so that it wouldn't
like all, you know, grow into a big painful mess.
For most of the summer, I will spend with hairy
(06:33):
legs except for one little square patch of like cool
eighties cop legs stubble. Uh. You had me and I
was rollerblading. For the record, that's Strand man Strand Uh
down Manhattan Beach to Redondo, perfect rollerblade spot. It never
died there. This isn't a resurgence of rollerblading. It never left.
(06:57):
I don't I don't understand what you're talking about. What
you had to shave your leg here so it wouldn't
grow into the scaps? No, yeah, you get like you
ever get like a big scrape where it's big and flat.
And then you got to take a look at my
legs I've got like seven or eight hairs on my legs.
I don't know, Like, how did you not get this question?
Then you're like, sound delightful and easy to shave. I'm Italian.
(07:19):
And last but pucker tightly if you thinking lazy, it's
Joey Geer handbone and or hawk. Please preview for us
your first two questions for Jesus Christ. Remember one. Yeah,
this is a preview all right, So this is every
question is subject to change your hearing right now, exact
final d So um mean, Jesus, We're at some taco truck, right,
(07:43):
We've agreed to it. It's public, it's in the middle
of the day, right, you know what I mean? Which
it's like there's the people around and the first thing
I'm gonna adk again these are this, These questions subject
to change. These aren't you know? Setting Stone? You know
ten commandments? Follow up in the back of your mind?
Are you also thinking, having listened to your true crime
podcast even though it's Jesus, don't go to a second
(08:05):
location because he I want you to know. Leading up
to this, he keeps on telling me he has stereos
and a couple of tires that he could sell me
and like okay, and the couple of tires is like, really,
what's interesting to me? Because like, what is a couple?
You know? Because he's it's more than two, but I'm like,
is it three? So uh a couple? We don't know?
(08:28):
That's my point. A few two or more. I'm saying,
you're assuming that. That's that's my point. You're a wall
assuming it's two. That's that's my point. So but this
is exactly what's you know, leading to the taco truck.
So I I get up to him right and uh,
I don't know if it's him or not. No, Um,
you know, because he he said I'm gonna be I'm
gonna be wearring tide socks. And when I get there,
(08:51):
everyone was wearing like thick corduroy pants. I'm like, Wow,
the hell am I supposed to see the song? So what?
But so the first question I want to ask is
I'm gonna are you jesus huh? And then the second
question would probably be based on his answers and our
back and forth, which I'm silent and would be, um,
do you want to order all? Let's do a damn show?
(09:11):
That was absolutely more than I was hoping for all
of our scene suggestions to gather from your listener emails.
They are I gathered them myself, and I thank you
so very much for continuing to write to us. Or
we get some suggestions from our patron v I p
s they get priority. I'm just saying for a couple
of dollars, I'm not gonna ask for it. To become
(09:32):
a patron supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
like a video Joey discussing his time with someone named
Jesus and other perpos, just head on over to patron
dot com slash alchemy this. If you'd like to submit
a scene suggestion by the emails we spoke of just
moments ago, or rather I did, please write to us
at our fairly new email address, Alchemy. This email at
(09:53):
gmail dot com. That's Alchemy. This email I've seen one
comes from Patreon alcomy any act the highest level of
the patron support dog Dougie, we've not heard from in
a while, who wrote, Dear Alchemists. As you all know,
I'm not one to spread rumors all caps but lower caps.
(10:13):
It's come to my attention that Joey has recently was
spotted chopping down trees using babies scene suggestion. Firework manufacturers
crumble under pressure leading up to fourth of July. Much
love to you all, especially Kevin. I did not make
that up. Signed Doug ee uh Johnson, I'm gonna need
(10:36):
to see you in my office too. Sweet That means now, sir, Yes, sir, yep.
Going over the numbers here, it looks like your team
is behind about a day and a half. May I
please have an explanation, sir? We were really on the
staffed on on on the team out here. I mean
four the guys have lost all of their fingers by
this point and they're just trying to pick things up
(10:57):
with their wrists at this point. And it's when things down.
Two more of the guys who got in the hospital,
another six off of the team. Uh, they had they
had a family reunion they had to go to this week,
so we couldn't really do anything about it. A couple
of them got tickets to a concert that they wanted
to go to. It's just we're just slammed right now,
and there's there's there's nothing we can do about it.
So but I promise we're gonna do better. All of
(11:18):
that would be wildly impressive if I hadn't assigned you
seventy one assistance on this particular job, as I do
every year for four Please don't I know, I know,
I'm so sorry. Sorry, No, it's always so I said, Uh,
I don't want any more steak. So look, Bobby, Uh
(11:39):
what I gotta do to Uh? What do I gotta
do to get you? Uh? You know, I know Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
Say right, well I gotta get going. Yeah, ever, no,
(12:09):
tell way right, never just one one side. Ever, I'm
gonna bob. All I'm saying is no, no, no, I'm
waiting tabies right now. So a second, just just so
you know, if we can, I'm sorry to four more craize.
(12:32):
This is a joke about me? If this is nothing
at my expense, No, it's not, it's not. Why are
you not willing to tell this joke around me? Well,
it's just that this is a business. This is a
business launch you tell me the jokes that don't. It's
not his to tell. It's a personal story. I'm gonna
go get my manager. Why why why? Why? Okay, man,
(12:54):
if you got any mys gonna get up to a
black cap. So we're gonna have the most money the world.
Have like thirty of them, and we just sent them off,
dude in our backyard. Yeah you think those are fireworks? Yeah, snails.
While you're at it, Jesus, what are your parents getting?
(13:17):
You can your parents cannon? I got a cannon that
shoots them maydis so Yeah, I thought that canon was
only for decoration. Yeah. I thought it was like a
medieval device. Yeah. I thought it was from like the
medieval times. Okay, well it's from cost Plus and it works.
(13:39):
Can we see it? Can we see it? You tell
me you have a cost Plus membership? Maybe? Oh man, change,
Come on, man, let me see it, Trevor, let's see it.
Holding up the line. The kids are holding up the line.
All these people behind you want Mr Softie's all right,
(14:00):
father time just a second. I'll buy all three these
softies if you just if you show us this cannon
fucking love excuse me, love fireworks. Why didn't you just
call my father? Oh ship run, run, sir, Sir, sir.
(14:27):
I'm sorry to bust into your office like this, But
the kids they've they've stormed the factory. They're demanding stronger
and stronger fireworks. I don't think these m madees and
and and and black cats are gonna cut it this year, sir.
And I've I've been cut down from my seventy one guys,
I originally had down to fifty two. And I don't
know if we're gonna be able to get enough gun
(14:48):
powder into these little things that quickly, Sir, I'm getting scared?
Can I hud under your desk? Yeah? You can hide
onto my desk for sure, Thank you, sir. And while
you're under there, give some I hadn't write up your
resignation letter, what, sir? Yeah, there's no hiding in fireworks, Sir.
(15:09):
You're tired of black cats and m A D s
You and your team need to devise new fireworks, sir.
But what about what about the laws? That I understand
you're the manager. We're just actually I just think the bill.
I don't want any issues. I was just telling a
personal story. Tell me the story. Debra is pretty upset.
(15:35):
She's my best waitress and you're gonna be telling stories
and jokes about herself. I think she she thinks it
was about her and it wasn't. I was just, uh,
we're doing a business deal here, and your friend here
is still laughing, all right, so obviously very funny. It's
obviously very funny. Okay, I don't want okay, well, I
(15:57):
mean the gist of it is that my well know,
too late, that's too long. I think the damage is
done here. All right. You've insulted my staff, you've been
stop insulting my establishment. I don't know if you're trying
to pull a Kuda ta here or what. It's not
gonna happen here at a Blimpie's all right, all right,
I'm I'm sorry about that. I guess I'll get going.
(16:18):
You pay for everybody's lunch here today. Wait what Tyson,
I'm sorry, but Bobby passed. He uh he laughed himself
to death. Apparently, that's what they're saying. I don't think
you're a blame. I'm just you might get a call
from the cops or something that just, you know, heads up,
Why are you so far away from me? Come closer
(16:38):
to me. We're friends. I just I don't want to
hear anything ronestly. I just feel like it's better that
if it's just like this. Okay. It sounds like you
said Ron instantly, And that's interesting because you're staying talking
about being raw and honest at the same time. And
that's what I want to be with you. Right now.
We're friends, aren't we? Yes, yes, we're friends. Just stay
where you are, Just stay where are. I just want
(17:00):
to come a little closer, closed, take a step pack. Okay,
sometimes gaps are necessary. What for? What? What? Why are
you afraid of me? I'm not looking. We we're friends. Okay,
Just calm down, all right, just calm down, be rnest
with me right now? Are we good? No? No, no, no.
(17:22):
I told a fucking personal story. I don't want to know, man,
I don't want to know this story. Man. I'm just
giving you the message. So you need somebody to make
some last minute fireworks before the fourth Uh yeah yeah,
all right, Well you guys brought the right guy in. Look,
I appreciate it if you didn't, if you didn't mention
(17:44):
any of this to my boss, because you know he's
already hired enough assistance. All right, So just come on
inside here, and we we have all of this gunpowder,
and I don't need any of this this stuff. Actually
some of that gunpowder could be used full. What we're
gonna do is I need you to fill these zip
block bags with this gasoline. All right, whoa, I mean
(18:08):
it is the fourth July. We're gonna celebrate, all right, Okay,
how did you even get this this much gasoline in
here in that trash bag? Just one big trash bag
of gasoline. I'm gonna hold the edges. Yeah, I understand
you want forty on number four, but uh, I don't
(18:31):
see a car. What you don't worry about it. It's
like the Wonder Woman's car. It's invisible. Just turn on
pump number four. Yeah, see, we need to know where
the gas is going. Sir. Alright, alright, well lend me
hear your So it turns out the reason for your
gravelly voice is the amount of um gasoline fumes you've
(18:54):
been inhaling, so we reckon. No, no, that can't be.
Oh you thought you had like innate, uh gruff demeanor,
not simply that it was a sign of toughness. Oh no, no, no,
it's just the fumes. It's a matter of fact. You know,
there's an actor actually who got you know, pretty famous
(19:15):
because his voice you know, went went raw. But that's
a different story anyway. Uh yeah, please, Well, you know,
some set some inspiration, some attribute that to his success.
But that's not here North there, here's not here's not
going to prescribe to you no more gasoline for two weeks. Huh.
(19:39):
But but I am my voice. Second. I don't know
who I'd be if it wasn't for this gravelly voice.
Dr Stevens. I'm so glad you came in. Uh quick
question for you, Dr Stevens. Some who who were you
talking about that that little story? What's up that story?
You started to say? Uh? Who who? What doctor reads
(20:00):
talking about with the gravelly voice? Is this? Is? This?
Is this curry for everybody? We can? We can, I'll
do bring our own cup like we can. I can
use this. Yes, you can use this curry? Yeah you can? Yes, Okay,
probably you're probably not not familiar with like no, no, no,
go ahead and say it. Just say what are you
familiar with the Comedy Institution Boom Chicago? Uh? Yeah, of
(20:20):
course everyone is the Amsterdam based improv theater. That's right.
It's probably that's probably more than I need to say.
Thank you. So this is good, Thank you so much.
Is this curric for everybody? Yes? This, guys, I brought
the curring for everybody, all of the doctors in the
doctor's lounge, but as much of the curing as they want. Okay, um,
(20:44):
thank you for letting me speak at this memorial. I
just stop. As you know, Bobby was that's the him. Sure,
that's the strange. Thanks for letting me speak. What is he? What? Then?
He wasn't just a business partner, He was a friend.
(21:08):
What kind of friend would do that? You're the one
who just give him a chance? What are you doing? Look,
I can hear everybody nice scooch Scooch depers. He's so
here's what I'm gonna do for you. I'm gonna tell
you all what I told Bobby that day. He's trying
to kill. We do not know what happened to that
(21:35):
particular group of fellas. C Two comes from from Dave,
who wrote, Hey, amigoes, hope you're well, enjoying the sun
and something something You're great suggestion, Wow, it seems so sincere.
A Pocket full of Skull, which is a memoir of
the Heart by Richard hamhock culled Pepper, Attorney at Law.
(21:58):
I love you guys, and hope this so you perform
live one day. All the best, Dave from mid Veil
Utah ticket please. Yeah? Um, I have two tickets actually,
and I have somebody meeting me here, So can I
leave the ticket with you for them? Give you their name,
because I want to go on and get our seats.
I'm gonna need them to show their ticket. Yeah, right,
(22:20):
so I have their ticket. I see, I have tickets,
two tickets. I can help you. I'm I couldn't just
wait for your friend with that ticket. Wait here. Oh
my name's Jerry. I'm gonna be going into this show later.
I've got my own ticket, but if you give me
your extra ticket, I'll wait for your friend to give
it to them. Mm hmm. You have such a not
(22:44):
trusting face? Did you say not trusting face? Yeah, I'm
having trouble with this, Jerry. I'll tell you what. Give
me driver, give me your driver's license. I'll give you
the ticket. I'm doing you a fucking favor. You are, Jerry,
I appreciate. I'll tell you what. You give me your
driver's license, I'll give you the ticket and twenty dollars.
(23:07):
That's trust, how about I? Okay? All right, that's fair.
That's that's fair. Wow, that picture doesn't look anything like you. Oh,
it's definitely me. That was just before the summer when
I had my longer hair, right, it says Tim Nelson
on the license. Well, that's what my friends call me.
You're a stranger, Jerry. Jerry's what your friends call you.
(23:31):
Were Tim, Tim's what my friends call me. That's my
real nae. So oh, I see you were giving me
Jerry because we don't know each other. Yeah, give me back.
That's the tickets. I gotta go. I'm out of here.
(23:52):
Part of me. It's five minutes to places, sir, um
are the flowers to your liking? Do you have everything
you need? Water? I believe I requested Southern Comfort and
this is a Fiji water. We just thought maybe there
was a confusion on your rider. Oh, a confusion on
(24:14):
my rider? Was there? There was some confusion where I
wrote Southern Comfort. You thought that I wrote Fiji water?
Is that what it is? You think all these people
came to this auditorium tonight to see Richard hamhot Culpepper,
Attorney at law, give his major speech on the state
of the world while drinking a Fiji water? Is that
(24:38):
what you thought was gonna happen this evening? I was mistaken,
Sir there's no Champagne hunted get back in the cage.
And that's the other thing we wanted to address. What
that's my leopard? Very well? All right, when when he
(25:00):
comes out on stage you hit him with spot left?
What are you gonna do when he comes out on
stage left? Okay? Just got this, Yeah, Tommy, Gerald's gonna
do it. Who's gonna do it? You can call me
Jerry and I will definitely hit him with spot right,
spot left. Okay, all right, let's go through it one
more time. I think we've all right. Geraldy seems like
(25:20):
you have a question. I mean, Tommy, Timmy, I've been
doing this for years and he can't even seem he's
gonna do spot right. Tommy, you've got something on your face.
And until you get that off your face coming through
center spot, thank you, sir. I got my new spot
gloves on, as you can see, Nike gloves. Yeah they're
(25:45):
Nike golf golf gloves. Yeah, a big deal. All right?
So what's uh? What are we looking at here? Director?
Just telling us a spot left is what's needed. I mean,
wait the start, but off your cue and meals of course.
All right, here's here's here's how this is gonna go.
(26:06):
All right, everybody, thank you. I think tonight we should
feel it from a bone. Lets go with our instincts. Okay,
I just want to ask a question, quick question. When
I think he's going to be a silly question. Author
comes on stage, there needs to be light on him. Okay, okay, okay,
(26:28):
I'm now removing one of my Nike gloves. If it
were to slap you, there would be an issue. Yes,
yes it would. I mean all we have is what's
in the glass case. So Eminem's twizzlers and popcorn. As
you can see, that's that's all we have. Any Poe, No, No,
(26:52):
all we have is what's in the case. So this
is my my day for tonight. Hello, better have apple pie.
I ain't even staying for the show. What is going on?
We just if everyone in line, just so you know
that we don't have pie here. The only concessions we
(27:14):
have are what's in the case. I'm sure you have
something in a secret menu and off you know, a
hidden menu, so we'll just have the pie. We'll have.
There's there is no kitchen here. What we serve is
in the case, so the concessions are are here. It's
it's it's a concession. This is okay. Where's the pie case?
(27:36):
Not here? There is no pie case. It's not here,
so it's somewhere, and then I will look, we will look.
Uh pardon me for bargaining, Mr Culpepper, Yes, sir, I
just want to see if you had any music you
want to be played out too. Ah Well, generally I
like to enter to hail to the Chief, but I
(27:57):
was told that it is inappropriate for me to do
so because I am not currently the president of the
United States. Let me ask my lampard, Mrs Spots, is
there a particular song you would like for us to
enter to this evening? Play my song? Mrs Spots would
like you to play her song as we take the
stage this evening for our read They'd love to do that,
(28:20):
very excited, happy to do that for you. Can I
just get a quick heads up on what Ms Spotts
song is? MS? Surely, surely you know what Mrs Spotts
song is if you've ever seen the work that I
have done with this lempart. So I'm gonna go ahead
and assume that was a joke and you do know
(28:41):
exactly what song I'm talking about. Doors, slam noise, and
then he closed it during my face. I don't know.
So what I'm supposed to get from every song in
the universe? What miss spots and get it right? Because
I didn't have the ball, So I just say sorry,
Cold Pepper or whatever the hell your real name is.
I don't know what song is, right, So what am
(29:02):
I gonna do? I don't know. I'm just in line
for the bathroom. I don't know. Hey, where'd you get
that pie? I brought it in? Wow? Kind of prize.
It's a hybrid pie. I'm not done in the bathroom
yet because one of you guys get some toilet paper.
(29:24):
It's kind of an emergency. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. Let's go,
let's get out. No, no, no, no, yeah, sorry, those
those two guys, they just they just ran away. It's
everything okay in there. Oh, it's fine, it's fine. There
doesn't happen. Do you work here? I can't crack the
store open any any further than it's open. No, No,
(29:47):
I don't work. I was actually a friend of mine
was supposed to leave a ticket for me at the
box office. We just had some kind of kerfuffle. Out there,
but eventually they let me in, you know, Squeaky Wheel
gets the grease and all. But uh, I really feel
for your plight out there. Let's if I have anything
in my pockets. Okay, I mean, I have this receipt
from dinner to my my grandfather's handkerchief. Will that that's
(30:12):
even better? Here have the receipt back? Okay, Oh I
have this this this beach towel that I just got
from the Okay, thank you. Q two. All right, everybody,
it's almost showtime. They're gonna start there. They're gonna start
the music. You start, the lights will come from the left.
It will be transformative. Sir. Song it's her song, song song.
(30:40):
I'm gonna step your neck with my feet. I'm gonna
stab your nack with my feet. Here he comes, here,
he comes with me feet. I'm gonna snap your with you.
Thank you, everybody, Thank you very much. Oh well, that's
spots coming from a different side than I am used to. Sure,
(31:05):
I am, Mr Lawyer Culpepper. I don't know how to
say that correctly. Um, the audience isn't isn't fully unient
that there seems to be some kind of issue at
the concession stand, So we're just trying to sort that out.
I'm sorry, did the concession stand not get the rider
in my contract? This rider right here that says concession
concession stands at my shows with mrs spots will serve high?
(31:31):
Do you hear the crowd that's right? Yes? Uh, well
we did not get that. I I am so sorry.
Well you did not get via? No, no, I did not.
So well, we we can just go get some spot
left spot right, Yeah, we're here. Did you have something
(31:55):
to say? Yeah? Yeah. It's okay to have a little
dramatic pause every now and then. You don't have to
fill all space with sound. Sometimes you need to let
the emotion to hit you. Okay, when he walked out,
we hit him with the wrong light. We didn't. It
was him. He pipe down, Let the emotion breathe. Yeah,
(32:15):
I'm done, that's all I'm saying. Done, taking these gloves off.
You're done with center light. Jerry. Don't don't push back
right now, all right, don't push back to emal is
a Meal is talking? All right? Did you hear the
announcement from talent on stage when he got hit by
(32:36):
the wrong light quote unquote your fired or someone's fired. Yeah,
he doesn't control you know, I'm in charge. You know,
along with the meal. A meal has a lot to say.
Talent doesn't dictate who gets fired. Yeah, but it's you know,
are we in a union or not? I'm sorry, let's
not say the word union. Okay, spot spot left. Let
(32:59):
me get this right. You think every talent that comes
in and out of these doors has the right to
fire and higher staff as they please. Well, i've spot left,
he's spot right. I'm asking this whole time. Now, I'm
talking to you. I'm not the he's the Can you
just answer the question? Could you say it? One? Okay? Okay?
(33:20):
Al right, no, no, no, no, no, no, please don't
fire me. I'm just checking your resume here. You worked
as a spotlighter for a while. I'm i mean, well,
three of us? Is that a snake? What was that?
A snake in your back? Do you have a snake here?
We one of us has a snake? Okay, well, mr
(33:40):
SOFTI freeze. We we don't uh, we don't deal with
snakes here. Okay, we just deal with soft. What's yours?
It's always said no more steaks? Alright, So Bob, what
(34:08):
can I do it against you? You know, a couple
more crates of the good stuff. Huh. Alright, so you
brought in the right guy for this concession stand. This
garbage bag is filled with cherry pie filling. Now I
just need you to get one time. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
(34:30):
Did you work? Have you ever worked in Amsterdam? Yeah?
You look familiar? You look familiar? God, all right? Do
you do doing impressions? Do do impressions? First of all, no,
I don't, and I don't know what you're referencing. But
I'm trying to get through a pretty important situation. I've
(34:51):
been brought in because I'm a guy that has solutions.
Just look familiar. I see celebrities when I look familiar
or a self familiar both both. I'm sorry, I'll just continue.
I was just trying to pay you. Okay, okay, we'll
put your fist in this garbage bag and get some
of that cheery pie feeling. M M all right, And
(35:13):
now you're gonna put it between these two tortilla shelves.
Show offt flower tortilla show All right, there you go,
simplest that. How you put it into the same hot light?
Did you put those corn dog et cender spoon paka,
it's a pie hi part of me. Um. I'll take
(35:36):
out one diet coke and one slice of pie place Yeah, okay,
diet coke. What size did you want? Small? Medium? Large?
Small place? Okay? And the pie small medium, a large,
small place Okay. That's uh seventeen dollars and I'm sorry interrupt.
(35:57):
My little lady got sick as hell from eating one
of those good spoon shak alack what so yeah, we
need our money, but I don't want this pie after all.
I'm sorry to just jump in here, but he lady
gets sick as hell, so she doesn't feel good at
(36:23):
ard to find a chance she's part. Uh. Mr Colepepper
just um, I'm sorry, Mr Pepper. What Esquire? Thank you
Pepper Esquire? Um, before you go out on stage and
fire anyone else, I was hoping. Uh. You know, rehearsal
(36:44):
went fairly well. But now that the entire audience is
in um uh if you could go out to a
different song, a special song that's been selected for tonight
and this city that is so in love with the
fact that you are here. Oh you want me to Panda,
that's what you want me to do. You don't want
(37:04):
to play the single that was just released by my
leopard Mrs Spots, even though she did tell me that
there was another potential leopard here just to hear her single?
Is that what you're telling me? I was just spitballing,
let's go with the plan. Why don't we go with no? No,
(37:25):
We'll go with your plan. And while you had it,
why don't you mess with my pies too? Why don't
you just change the whole concept of what a pie
is since you're changing the whole concept of what a
walkout song is. Now, bring me one of my delicious
apple pies from the concession stand before I make my
entrance right away, sir, door slam noise? I listen. Uh.
(37:50):
The strangest thing. First of all, do you know that
when you leave his dressing room, he screamed, door slam noise?
You're done talking. I don't know that. I'm just waiting
in line for the bathroom. You're here to see? Could
Pepper esquire though? Right? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, okay, Well, I'll
just give me a little insights that no one else has.
(38:11):
But I'm sorry. It turns out that that towel was
not flushable and the floor is just covered in water
and feces. You get somebody with a plunger. You seem
surprised the towel was not flushable. I'm really surprised. I
can't leave here. My clothes is all wet. I can't
open this door all the way. I'm sorry. Okay, could
(38:33):
you get a janitor? Yeah? Sure, we'll get a janitor,
and then we'll get you some toilet paper. And then
is there anything else we can get you? Well, like
a new a new pair of pants and shirt, new
pair of pants. Is there a stall you like? Uh? Sir,
Obviously you respect me and I respect to you. I'm
the center spot. But are you asking me to come
back as a as a janitor? Yes? Same, Yes, the
(39:00):
times have changed here, but I need somebody trustworthy. I
have a mop in the bucket, Yes I have a
thousand times. Yes, oh okay, I thought, well, I like
a list of like twenty reasons to come back. But
I respect you, sorry, and I respect you. You're the
most talented spot I've ever seen. I mean, you went
to college and Paolo Alto. I don't know where, but yeah,
(39:21):
it seems like a smart place. It's a nice city.
Now you watch what I do for the janitorial Okay, Okay,
I thought you got aggressive, you got the job. Your
passion I was. I was passionate, sir. Okay, So you
want how well I can mop? Okay? Yeah, just tell
(39:42):
it to the floor, you know, because if you fucking
think for one second, that's in my chest that that
ship is going to beat me. No, you're crazy. You
know what, Why don't you take the keys to the kingdom.
That's what I'd like to hear. Thank you. Clink click clank,
clink clink. That the actually the somebody's at the door.
(40:07):
But there's the first jobs in the bathroom, bathroom on
the Just dust around the office for a little. We
got a big situation. Yeah, come in. Uh yeah, are
the usher? Yeah, there's not the tickets. There's some tickets left. Yeah, White,
(40:29):
don't go into the box office. Go the usher. Just
stay in the aisle. Okay, can I go? You're the
one who came here. Okay, Hey, yeah, don't take your
shirt off. How you said I could stay here for
(40:51):
a couple of nights? What? No, you did it? Okay,
put your shirt back on? Put you all right? All right?
Don't put it on backwards. Just put it on normal.
Now your name takes on the back. That looks weird.
You can't see my name before they see me because
(41:12):
they're gonna approach you from the front. Okay, alright, the
janitor coming through? All right, hey, Bud, how are you
doing in there? I can't come out or you're the janitor? Yeah, okay.
I somebody flushed a toell down the toilet, I think,
(41:33):
and it's created kind of a flood. It's really not
kind of, it's a flood in here. No problem. I'm
here to fix everything now that you can just step
out of the stoll of this. I'm naked, Oh my,
kind of it's so embarrassing. Get out of here, Get
(41:54):
out of this bathroom. That great man. Because I got
your clothes, sir, I think you needed some fresh clothes. Yeah,
I went down to that store. Go fund yourself. Just
put these on. Oh these aren't clothes. These aren't clothes
at all. Hi, welcome to go funk yourself. But then,
how can I help you? Yeah? I'm looking for something
(42:15):
I was in mind. I'm looking for can you help
me get a shirt? What? What the hell is going on? Sorry? Sorry,
I'm looking for something formal shirtella, would you when you
get up there? You know what, just go ahead, just
just cut ahead, go go fund yourself. I guess he
(42:37):
doesn't know where he's at. Can I get a shirt?
Real quick? Sure? And so there you are, Okay, I
have a terrific have a great day. No, no, you do.
You have a great day. So something forrible? Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm just so fucking pissed. Um I want some suck
(43:01):
you man? All right, man? Stop? Why once you get
in line? All right? Can you get a shirt? Him?
In line? You ask whole Nobody moved. Nobody moved. A
leopard has just entered the store. Don't move. Oh that's
Mr Spots. It's all right. And that has seemed to
seem too everybody seemed to Oh my god, oh my god.
(43:30):
Since three comes as a patron acomaniac Michael Russell who
wrote in all caps, hey you guys, lower caps, someone
who was addicted to fiber m hm, hey, how you
don't I haven't seen you in any of these meetings before. Yeah,
(43:53):
it's um, this is it's it's a little embarrassing. I'm
just here to listen. I don't I don't really want
to talk. No reason to be embarrassed here about anything. Friend. Okay,
there's this there just before we start, just in case
their bathroom. There are two bathrooms. There's one on the
left for no matter what sex you are, and one
on the right for people who don't appreciate those sort
(44:13):
of things. Oh okay, I mean I'll obviously take the first.
Is that cake for everybody? The cake is not for everyone.
It's for everyone who identifies in a unique way. Okay, okay,
I'm I'm just gonna go sit down and look at
my phone. All right, everybody, we're gonna get this meeting started.
(44:35):
So if you'd all sit down in anonymous uh, addictions anonymously,
we've got it. Wait wait what anonymous addictions anonymously? Uh?
We have a new person here, so we're anonymous about
what we're addicted to. This isn't specifically well to one thing.
You must be new also. So the good news for
(44:57):
you is, if it's your first day an anonymous a
actions anonymously, you're gonna stand on top in front of
everybody and you're gonna tell us what your addiction is too. Okay,
that's fine, Terry, Why did you laugh in the middle.
This is serious. I apologize. I just I thought I
recognized him, and then I was going to ask his name,
and then you just said his name. Dude, you just
(45:19):
call him Jerry. You just said his name. This whole
business is supposed to be about anonymity, Sir. I don't
feel everybody thought his name was Tim Nelson's Tim Nelson? Okay,
everybody sit down, All right, let's just get this. What's
your name? What do you what do your friends call you? Well, first,
(45:40):
I have one name that I use here in this
group of friends, and then I have a real name
out there so I can keep it anonymous. I don't
understand why addiction has to be anonymous. Yeah, well it's enough. Well,
the thing is, it's a it's a wide pool of
Jerry Tim. Maybe someone else could lead Today's mab been
leading this for a long. I've got a ticket here
(46:02):
that one lucky person is gonna get. Wait, there's it's
a lucky ticket. Okay, but we need to hear from
somebody before I give this away, because it's going to
be what I think is the best uh self disclosure
in the group is going to get this ticket to
I'll do it i'll do it. I'll do it. I'll
(46:23):
do it, do it, I'll do it, I'll do it,
I'll do Okay, Okay, the new person has first rights.
Go ahead. Oh um okay um um yea, because we're
(46:44):
but you didn't. You didn't shout your you didn't put
your arm up, you didn't shout, you didn't say anything.
So I'm gonna give this anonymous person an opportunity. But
you're not new. You come here every week. This is
a great cake. By the way, that cake is not
for everybody. I I I identify in a unique way though. Okay, great,
So you have an opportunity to maybe win a ticket
(47:06):
to Pocket full of Skull mom Skults school. Uh, it's
a meta play. So what who's my weight? Memore play?
Those memoir play is it? Let me some examples of Hey, um, hey, Barry,
(47:30):
are you up? Yeah? What? Oh? Okay, you can get
a guest. It's okay, it's one speaker. I'm on speaker.
I'll hang up. We go to sleep on the phone together.
M hmmm, hey Barry, um, I'll do all mind me
coming in. I know it's a little early, look man,
um as you know, I'm gonna go golf this morning.
It's Tuesday, my golf day. Could this be an email?
(47:52):
Could you just email me? No, we're not business partners,
were roommates, and more importantly, we're friends. And I'm gonna
cut right to it. I was looking for my non
dairy creamer and I came across this. It's baggy full
of what I assume is orange flavored meta musle. H. No,
I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't know.
(48:18):
What do you mean, Berry, you have a fucking problem
that was on my side of the fridge. Why are
you even looking there? It's you're right, I mean, we
just gotta drive forward. Advance isn't going to be here
on them all right. This is our tea time, So
I don't know where the hell he is, but you know,
I mean we should just drive We just keep driving them.
I think we should just drive forward, drive forward. If
(48:40):
he's not gonna be able to make it, he's not
gonna be able to make it, I say, we just
get in the cart and literally keep driving. We just
drive forward. Yeah, let's just want to drive forward. Let's
just drive drive. You guys, these clubs out of here, Yeah, yeah,
these clubs out of here. Just you these bows and
arrows in our Martinis. Let's drive, Let's drive, keep on,
(49:02):
go to drive forward, driving forward. Are you gonna admit
it or not? Berry? Is this yours? Yeah? It's mine,
But I don't see what it has to do with
you at all. You know what, Maybe you're right. Maybe
I'm not good at boundaries, but I am good at
loving Barry, you have a problem with fiber ah, and
(49:22):
this is pure uncut meta musel. I know the good stuff.
I spent time in college. What do that mean? We
want to cook? Look? Either want you head into a
meeting or need you headed out? Because I gotta get
to my tea time. My name is something to get
(49:43):
to a meeting? Berry, Berry, huh, well, welcome. You're gonna
have to identify a little more uniquely than that if
you want some of this cake, though, Man, I don't
want any cake right now? Thanks, Um, just here because
my roommates evan driving me crazy. Wait, that's that's what
you're The thing that you're here anonymously about is your roommate.
(50:03):
Oh no, I don't want to they're sharing by the cake.
They're not sharing with the group that cakes not for everybody. Yeah,
they can't share. You gotta share in the group. Hey, Jimbo, Jimbo,
stop yelling, John, listen. Uh, why do you gotta be
this rat who just calls people off for the ship.
So his name's Jimbo. Well I got everyone's information here,
(50:27):
you know what. Yeah, my name's Jimbo, all right, and
it is my name that I use outside and inside.
I don't know why I don't worry. And what do
you think you do? I uh, I eat my tonyil clippage.
Oh yeah, come on, relax, get the fuck out of here.
(50:50):
Come on that they break down, dude, or is it
like corner peanuts and they end up in your feces hole?
They end up in my feces hole. Discuss Berry. We
started talking about feces, you started sweating. What's wrong? Man?
A man? That's I don't have that problem at all. Man,
Feces is my friend. You know what I mean? Um?
(51:11):
Hold on, hold on, sorry, I mean, but that is
Can we all say that for a second place? Finally,
something positive? Fees It's like a T shirt. I thought
Jerry was running the meeting and that I'm confused and
why he's running the meeting? Did you hear you're not great?
(51:32):
We're getting Tim, Jerry, You're you're fine, Give us just
a moment. Yeah, right. I don't think, Jerry. I don't
think Jerry Tim should be running the meeting. He thinks
he's coming and going in time. Maybe he should share.
Maybe he's just share. Hey, Jerry, that's a good idea.
Hey are you guys conspiring by the cake? Jerry? Did
you want to share something with the group. I know
(51:53):
this is my first day here, um, but something, Maybe
you have something on your mind. I gotta take it.
What if you share? I had a special ticket for you.
All right. Well, I've been running this meeting for a
long time and it's honestly gotten pretty difficult lately. I've
it's been more than seven years since I huffed gasoline,
(52:16):
and uh, your diketing is supposed to be anonymous. Oh
I'm sorry. Sorry, it's just that, Uh, I don't know.
I feel like I don't I feel like if I
share with you guys more, then maybe you'll let me continuing,
because running this meeting is really a big deal for Jerry. Jerry,
but you're getting kind of aggressive. Say no more. Here's
(52:40):
your ticket, one ticket to a pocket full of skull
a memoir play. But that guy has a ticket to
he's just giving him back to the ticket he gave him.
How many more? Because we can We just confused, and honestly,
I'm pretty sure the show was the other day. I'm
not sure it works anymore. I'm sorry, buddy. I don't
(53:03):
know where the hell your friends are, but we're teeing
off here. Okay, you can just join our group or
just power through it, all right? No, I mean those
those guys don't know how to play the game, so
I thought I would just don't know. They don't, you
know what I mean? From the crazy Yeah, so I
just wanna you gotta to something. I'll just join. You'll
be a threeesoming. It'll be totally buddy, that's not how
(53:24):
we do things, all right. There's a tea time, go
talk to the courthouse inside or whatever that. Yeah. Uh,
have you played golf before, because I feel like I
played golf before, buddy, that's what this rackets for, you dumbass,
and not get the hell out of my way. Then
let me get a swing. Hey, Jerry, hold on, hold on, Jerry, Hey,
(53:47):
I just wanted to say, um, I apologize for how
that meetia went today. But um, for what it's worth,
I thought you did a great job. And I just
have a quick question. When you stopped inhaling gasoline, did
you notice that, like your work also went down. I
guess what I'm asking is how much of your gravelly
(54:07):
voice are you attributing to the work you got before?
They're sharing in the hallway. No, no, I just messing
the question. I don't I don't know what you mean.
How much work did I give? Okay? Okay, well, I
(54:27):
mean I was gonna make this clear. I wasting clear.
You can all listen. You can all listen. Okay, Now,
I assume based on the way your voice used to
be that got you certain How do you know what
my voice used to sound like? I just said assume.
I'm making an assumption is anonymous? Why are you eating
all the cake? Because I'm standing by it. I still
(54:50):
I still get called into fixed problems that people have.
I'm I'm a problem solver, so so so it was
mainly your talent that got you jobs before, not your life. Solutely,
I don't think my voice had anything to do with it. Okay, anything,
all right, Jerry, if you could just started the first
line there whenever you're ready, and um, super excited that
(55:12):
you're here and thanks for coming into that. Okay, the
first slide, Yeah, just pause one second. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
What's going on with his voice? I don't know. I
just thought he was talking to us, and then once
he starts reading the line, till use the one. No, no, no,
this is not the audition. Wasn't he on some gasoline
or something? Yeah? Whatever he was on, what was not
(55:34):
our business. The guys, you're gonna stop rolling? Your voices
are right by this camera? Yes, yes, Why would you
be rolling, Tim because you told me that he was
gonna start. I'm sorry, Look left camera stop rolling, right
camera start rolling, and center camera stop rolling. Stop. This
is just an audition, right, because there's a lot more
(55:54):
cameras in here. You're not gonna put this straight up, Jerry.
You don't need to think about any of that, just
to be in copy in front of you and feel
to use that great voice of yours. You got it,
you got it. I think we should so correct with gasolene.
Were all cameras John honestly rolling rolling, rolling? Pocket full
(56:16):
of skulls? The movie ready? Jerry? Uh, when you're driving
across the hard three cameras, Jerry, can I just get
a real quick So we're super excited that you're here.
I mixed, not already, but I just want to reiterate.
And um, it's a certain energy that you bring to
(56:39):
the audition on tape you did for us that I
was that was that audition was done before before I
had to you know, it turns out that not only
was gasoline causing my voice to have a weird adaptation, um,
but also brain damage with the other problem JR. Hey Jerry,
(57:02):
hold up, yeah, yeah, so I was right. A lot
of it was your voice here. Oh my, oh buddy,
I was right. He came in running. Oh. Let's thank
all of our alchemists on this particular gathering because it
(57:22):
has been so very fine, starting with Mr Chris. Chris, oh,
thank you so much, so much fun. Also, Mark, always
fun playing with your brother. Uh yeah, I don't know.
I don't have any to say. I'm in a good mood.
I feel good. I love everybody. We'll take it. The
Big Fix comic fis comedy fix. Thank you? Yeah, sure,
(57:43):
all right, check that out. It's called the Big Fix. Nope.
Fixes in Comedy Fix. Very excited. Uh, and James Heeney,
thanks for having me back. It's good to be back
on the show. Uh, thanks for tuning in. You can
follow me. I think it's the real James Ceni on Instagram. Uh,
(58:06):
you're not sure. I'm not honestly sure. I think that's
what it is. Are you back in the Greater Los
Angeles area? I am. I got back Monday. Okay, So
folks have been coming by your place when you weren't there.
They should know you're back. I don't want them to
know because I'd like to catch them in the act.
So keep it on the d L for now, and
then when they arrive, I'll know that they thought I
was gone and got you a moment right there. Perfect,
(58:29):
Mark Gagli already, thank you so much. Oh man, it's
always a delight. You guys are so much fun. Thanks
for having me. Where should folks find your wares? Um?
We got this with Mark and Howe. We have new
episodes every week and hopefully you will see me just
out and walking around in the world. As as that
is starting to happen here, we're looking for you for you,
(58:50):
and I hope it's happening for everyone else too. We'll
look for your Dasney Land on Friday. Perfect a tool thing. Hey,
thanks for having me back. Great to be here. Follow
me on my socials at a tool time A T
U L T I M E. And yeah, check out
the Fixed Up Comedy. It's great. It's great podcast, Joey Gerstein.
(59:12):
Check me out at Alchemy This on Instagram. And there
is a reddit somewhere. Sure, there is a reddit somewhere.
Listen every every single week on that reddit that they
post the episode and they list all of our names
and asked for votes for Alchemists of the week. So
every single week, with guests included, they list every episode
(59:35):
and the names of people who participated, so that we're
all being judged on a weekly basis. That's right, That's right, Okay, cool, Yeah,
just let's read it right pretty much down there right on.
Let's thank our producer and engineer the stars, Mr Doug Bane. Fine,
folks that I hurt media. I'm your host, Kevin Pollard,
(59:57):
thanking you each and every one of you for wanting
to listen to this. Please tell everyone you've ever met
about this extraordinary experience you've just had, and be kind
to each other whenever possible, until next time. He oh nice,
Well, welcome back to another episode of Alchemy, this one edition.
And that's right, let's not nineteen. No one gathered indoors
last night with a bunch of devil backs. There's a
whole lot of people maybe und I don't know, really,
said joe Say. Sixty thousand people were there. Everyone, everyone
(00:25):
beating this year. Everyone ever. Everyone shook hands and hugged
Joey looked so nervous. I was so scared. It was hilarious.
It really was one of the funny thing I've seen
a long time, just how nervous he was. Um, but
I digress. Let's meet our archemist shaller no particular order,
(00:45):
please say hello to Chris avar rodeo Surf Seasons, says Solo, Sunny,
what was the last thing you built? You're gonna need
a moment, kay. Um My fiance's uh father has this
(01:06):
gigantic grill. I didn't build build it, but this is
the first thing that came into mind. Beautiful. It's like
a Cadillac of girls. It's got like the direct like
gas line hooked into it type stuff. But it wasn't working.
And we spent some time at their at their their house,
their their beach house recently, and I said, you know,
I'm gonna fix this thing. I'm telling you everybody, I
(01:28):
worked on that thing for like three days in a row,
eight hours a day. Come on you, I am not
kidding you. Uh. And what it was was as when
we and we all know, oh no, I'm gonna I'm
gonna forget the name. But it was a faulty uh spark, Yeah,
thing fixed? Yeah, this is what I fixed. Well, yeah,
(01:49):
I mean it works. It was for the three day
endeavor that it daed in fact work and I scrubbed it,
scrubbed it, scrubbed it too while I was in there,
you know, forever. And then joy why Joy? Why you laughing?
I mean I am so I'm humbled by the confidence
to do that. I would be terrified. Well also also
(02:12):
also there are a couple of moments where I go,
I'm absolutely done, I cannot do this, I can I
cannot do this, And I'm like, fool. My nails are
full of grease and there's parts everywhere everywhere. Can I
guess what the driving force was having to go back
to your future father in lawn saying yeah, I couldn't
(02:34):
do I would have rather died. When you say the
smart thing, was it the thing that basically clicks for
the gas to get ignited. Jeez, I know this name
so well. Um yes, but James ignit No no, no, no,
no no no, So it isn't. It isn't the push part.
It's what because there's four different spark plugs type of thing.
(02:56):
So in my house growing up, what we'd do is
we'd use a long lighter and we just light each
of the grills like that could have an option. You
couldn't tell that that was the solution. That was an option.
That's that's an option, not a solution. Yeah, hey, you
know you're here, use this long lighter, James says. It's
the solutions like driving a cat like you're gonna have
(03:16):
to use the screw driver, turn it on right, smooth,
and it's the solution. I'm so impressed that you stayed
in the pocket because while you started the story, don't
I tell the person to come to it. I don't
have a lot, you know, No, I got you, and
I'm like, I'll fucking die are I'm with Joey. It's
(03:41):
impressive to even have the confidence to go, I I
have to do this. I mean, hey, look over there,
it's judge James Heeney, Johnny the Jello lover. What's the
weirdest thing you used your feet? Four? The weirdest thing
I've used my feet for? Well, you don't. You don't
have to, James, James, you don't have to answer this.
(04:04):
I suppose that it is. Probably there are times that
if something's out of reach, I'll use it for anything.
It's like being amadextrous, but with both hands and feet.
So there's definitely been times where I've had to use
for controller or mouse. What it's like being a monkey,
is it? I guess so? Yeah? Yeah? But I please okay.
(04:28):
And by the way, James, I should have qualified. Killing
a person was on the list. I could probably snap
a neck with my feet. That was what we were
looking for. Thank you, officer. I'll give you the address
in just a moment. Now, please welcome a tool sing
sweet A favorite pie? Oh, this is very easy. Apple
pie is my favorite. I rank it and the apple,
(04:49):
then pecan, and then pumpkins down at like fifteen. Because
it's tracked. He's been he's been specifically hurtful. Yeah, he's
hurtful to both of us. I'm not even not listening.
I've already I've already spoken way too long on this intro.
But I just gotta say one thing again. I don't
have a lot going on everybody. I was walking my
dog last week and I'm you not. This woman goes,
(05:10):
excuse me, excuse me, and she had her phones, but
she goes, are you pie guy? No way? It made
my whole liar. Yeah. I was like, well, yes, I am.
I mean, I mean, she's a fan of Jessica's obviously,
but like I just I felt so good. And then
I ran to her husband. He goes, I heard your
nut cookie guy. Anyway, I'm just feeling good about myself.
(05:32):
I'm feel I'm so glad you're doing this withe you know,
and my horrible, gigantic, out of control legal thought, are
you pie guy? Meant she listened to alchemy this? Oh no, no,
holy crap. Mark Gagliardi is here twice to gal I am,
(05:52):
will you shave your legs for a job? Um? Oh,
for a job? Okay. I didn't know if that was
just you going like right now in this will you
shave your leg You know? It's funny you mentioned that. U.
I uh, I'm sure, I would if it's the right job,
and I got to wear you know, tasteful hose over
it if I needed to afterwards, if I perhaps my
(06:13):
legs didn't look up to what I hope they would.
I did recently have to shave a chunk out of
my leg hair keep talking, because I I was rollerblading.
I fell, I scraped my leg and I had to
shave the hair off of it so that it wouldn't
like all, you know, grow into a big painful mess.
For most of the summer, I will spend with hairy
(06:33):
legs except for one little square patch of like cool
eighties cop legs stubble. Uh. You had me and I
was rollerblading. For the record, that's Strand man Strand Uh
down Manhattan Beach to Redondo, perfect rollerblade spot. It never
died there. This isn't a resurgence of rollerblading. It never left.
(06:57):
I don't I don't understand what you're talking about. What
you had to shave your leg here so it wouldn't
grow into the scaps? No, yeah, you get like you
ever get like a big scrape where it's big and flat.
And then you got to take a look at my
legs I've got like seven or eight hairs on my legs.
I don't know, Like, how did you not get this question?
Then you're like, sound delightful and easy to shave. I'm Italian.
(07:19):
And last but pucker tightly if you thinking lazy, it's
Joey Geer handbone and or hawk. Please preview for us
your first two questions for Jesus Christ. Remember one. Yeah,
this is a preview all right, So this is every
question is subject to change your hearing right now, exact
final d So um mean, Jesus, We're at some taco truck, right,
(07:43):
We've agreed to it. It's public, it's in the middle
of the day, right, you know what I mean? Which
it's like there's the people around and the first thing
I'm gonna adk again these are this, These questions subject
to change. These aren't you know? Setting Stone? You know
ten commandments? Follow up in the back of your mind?
Are you also thinking, having listened to your true crime
podcast even though it's Jesus, don't go to a second
(08:05):
location because he I want you to know. Leading up
to this, he keeps on telling me he has stereos
and a couple of tires that he could sell me
and like okay, and the couple of tires is like, really,
what's interesting to me? Because like, what is a couple?
You know? Because he's it's more than two, but I'm like,
is it three? So uh a couple? We don't know?
(08:28):
That's my point. A few two or more. I'm saying,
you're assuming that. That's that's my point. You're a wall
assuming it's two. That's that's my point. So but this
is exactly what's you know, leading to the taco truck.
So I I get up to him right and uh,
I don't know if it's him or not. No, Um,
you know, because he he said I'm gonna be I'm
gonna be wearring tide socks. And when I get there,
(08:51):
everyone was wearing like thick corduroy pants. I'm like, Wow,
the hell am I supposed to see the song? So what?
But so the first question I want to ask is
I'm gonna are you jesus huh? And then the second
question would probably be based on his answers and our
back and forth, which I'm silent and would be, um,
do you want to order all? Let's do a damn show?
(09:11):
That was absolutely more than I was hoping for all
of our scene suggestions to gather from your listener emails.
They are I gathered them myself, and I thank you
so very much for continuing to write to us. Or
we get some suggestions from our patron v I p
s they get priority. I'm just saying for a couple
of dollars, I'm not gonna ask for it. To become
(09:32):
a patron supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
like a video Joey discussing his time with someone named
Jesus and other perpos, just head on over to patron
dot com slash alchemy this. If you'd like to submit
a scene suggestion by the emails we spoke of just
moments ago, or rather I did, please write to us
at our fairly new email address, Alchemy. This email at
(09:53):
gmail dot com. That's Alchemy. This email I've seen one
comes from Patreon alcomy any act the highest level of
the patron support dog Dougie, we've not heard from in
a while, who wrote, Dear Alchemists. As you all know,
I'm not one to spread rumors all caps but lower caps.
(10:13):
It's come to my attention that Joey has recently was
spotted chopping down trees using babies scene suggestion. Firework manufacturers
crumble under pressure leading up to fourth of July. Much
love to you all, especially Kevin. I did not make
that up. Signed Doug ee uh Johnson, I'm gonna need
(10:36):
to see you in my office too. Sweet That means now, sir, Yes, sir, yep.
Going over the numbers here, it looks like your team
is behind about a day and a half. May I
please have an explanation, sir? We were really on the
staffed on on on the team out here. I mean
four the guys have lost all of their fingers by
this point and they're just trying to pick things up
(10:57):
with their wrists at this point. And it's when things down.
Two more of the guys who got in the hospital,
another six off of the team. Uh, they had they
had a family reunion they had to go to this week,
so we couldn't really do anything about it. A couple
of them got tickets to a concert that they wanted
to go to. It's just we're just slammed right now,
and there's there's there's nothing we can do about it.
So but I promise we're gonna do better. All of
(11:18):
that would be wildly impressive if I hadn't assigned you
seventy one assistance on this particular job, as I do
every year for four Please don't I know, I know,
I'm so sorry. Sorry, No, it's always so I said, Uh,
I don't want any more steak. So look, Bobby, Uh
(11:39):
what I gotta do to Uh? What do I gotta
do to get you? Uh? You know, I know Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
Say right, well I gotta get going. Yeah, ever, no,
(12:09):
tell way right, never just one one side. Ever, I'm
gonna bob. All I'm saying is no, no, no, I'm
waiting tabies right now. So a second, just just so
you know, if we can, I'm sorry to four more craize.
(12:32):
This is a joke about me? If this is nothing
at my expense, No, it's not, it's not. Why are
you not willing to tell this joke around me? Well,
it's just that this is a business. This is a
business launch you tell me the jokes that don't. It's
not his to tell. It's a personal story. I'm gonna
go get my manager. Why why why? Why? Okay, man,
(12:54):
if you got any mys gonna get up to a
black cap. So we're gonna have the most money the world.
Have like thirty of them, and we just sent them off,
dude in our backyard. Yeah you think those are fireworks? Yeah, snails.
While you're at it, Jesus, what are your parents getting?
(13:17):
You can your parents cannon? I got a cannon that
shoots them maydis so Yeah, I thought that canon was
only for decoration. Yeah. I thought it was like a
medieval device. Yeah. I thought it was from like the
medieval times. Okay, well it's from cost Plus and it works.
(13:39):
Can we see it? Can we see it? You tell
me you have a cost Plus membership? Maybe? Oh man, change,
Come on, man, let me see it, Trevor, let's see it.
Holding up the line. The kids are holding up the line.
All these people behind you want Mr Softie's all right,
(14:00):
father time just a second. I'll buy all three these
softies if you just if you show us this cannon
fucking love excuse me, love fireworks. Why didn't you just
call my father? Oh ship run, run, sir, Sir, sir.
(14:27):
I'm sorry to bust into your office like this, But
the kids they've they've stormed the factory. They're demanding stronger
and stronger fireworks. I don't think these m madees and
and and and black cats are gonna cut it this year, sir.
And I've I've been cut down from my seventy one guys,
I originally had down to fifty two. And I don't
know if we're gonna be able to get enough gun
(14:48):
powder into these little things that quickly, Sir, I'm getting scared?
Can I hud under your desk? Yeah? You can hide
onto my desk for sure, Thank you, sir. And while
you're under there, give some I hadn't write up your
resignation letter, what, sir? Yeah, there's no hiding in fireworks, Sir.
(15:09):
You're tired of black cats and m A D s
You and your team need to devise new fireworks, sir.
But what about what about the laws? That I understand
you're the manager. We're just actually I just think the bill.
I don't want any issues. I was just telling a
personal story. Tell me the story. Debra is pretty upset.
(15:35):
She's my best waitress and you're gonna be telling stories
and jokes about herself. I think she she thinks it
was about her and it wasn't. I was just, uh,
we're doing a business deal here, and your friend here
is still laughing, all right, so obviously very funny. It's
obviously very funny. Okay, I don't want okay, well, I
(15:57):
mean the gist of it is that my well know,
too late, that's too long. I think the damage is
done here. All right. You've insulted my staff, you've been
stop insulting my establishment. I don't know if you're trying
to pull a Kuda ta here or what. It's not
gonna happen here at a Blimpie's all right, all right,
I'm I'm sorry about that. I guess I'll get going.
(16:18):
You pay for everybody's lunch here today. Wait what Tyson,
I'm sorry, but Bobby passed. He uh he laughed himself
to death. Apparently, that's what they're saying. I don't think
you're a blame. I'm just you might get a call
from the cops or something that just, you know, heads up,
Why are you so far away from me? Come closer
(16:38):
to me. We're friends. I just I don't want to
hear anything ronestly. I just feel like it's better that
if it's just like this. Okay. It sounds like you
said Ron instantly, And that's interesting because you're staying talking
about being raw and honest at the same time. And
that's what I want to be with you. Right now.
We're friends, aren't we? Yes, yes, we're friends. Just stay
where you are, Just stay where are. I just want
(17:00):
to come a little closer, closed, take a step pack. Okay,
sometimes gaps are necessary. What for? What? What? Why are
you afraid of me? I'm not looking. We we're friends. Okay,
Just calm down, all right, just calm down, be rnest
with me right now? Are we good? No? No, no, no.
(17:22):
I told a fucking personal story. I don't want to know, man,
I don't want to know this story. Man. I'm just
giving you the message. So you need somebody to make
some last minute fireworks before the fourth Uh yeah yeah,
all right, Well you guys brought the right guy in. Look,
I appreciate it if you didn't, if you didn't mention
(17:44):
any of this to my boss, because you know he's
already hired enough assistance. All right, So just come on
inside here, and we we have all of this gunpowder,
and I don't need any of this this stuff. Actually
some of that gunpowder could be used full. What we're
gonna do is I need you to fill these zip
block bags with this gasoline. All right, whoa, I mean
(18:08):
it is the fourth July. We're gonna celebrate, all right, Okay,
how did you even get this this much gasoline in
here in that trash bag? Just one big trash bag
of gasoline. I'm gonna hold the edges. Yeah, I understand
you want forty on number four, but uh, I don't
(18:31):
see a car. What you don't worry about it. It's
like the Wonder Woman's car. It's invisible. Just turn on
pump number four. Yeah, see, we need to know where
the gas is going. Sir. Alright, alright, well lend me
hear your So it turns out the reason for your
gravelly voice is the amount of um gasoline fumes you've
(18:54):
been inhaling, so we reckon. No, no, that can't be.
Oh you thought you had like innate, uh gruff demeanor,
not simply that it was a sign of toughness. Oh no, no, no,
it's just the fumes. It's a matter of fact. You know,
there's an actor actually who got you know, pretty famous
(19:15):
because his voice you know, went went raw. But that's
a different story anyway. Uh yeah, please, Well, you know,
some set some inspiration, some attribute that to his success.
But that's not here North there, here's not here's not
going to prescribe to you no more gasoline for two weeks. Huh.
(19:39):
But but I am my voice. Second. I don't know
who I'd be if it wasn't for this gravelly voice.
Dr Stevens. I'm so glad you came in. Uh quick
question for you, Dr Stevens. Some who who were you
talking about that that little story? What's up that story?
You started to say? Uh? Who who? What doctor reads
(20:00):
talking about with the gravelly voice? Is this? Is? This?
Is this curry for everybody? We can? We can, I'll
do bring our own cup like we can. I can
use this. Yes, you can use this curry? Yeah you can? Yes, Okay,
probably you're probably not not familiar with like no, no, no,
go ahead and say it. Just say what are you
familiar with the Comedy Institution Boom Chicago? Uh? Yeah, of
(20:20):
course everyone is the Amsterdam based improv theater. That's right.
It's probably that's probably more than I need to say.
Thank you. So this is good, Thank you so much.
Is this curric for everybody? Yes? This, guys, I brought
the curring for everybody, all of the doctors in the
doctor's lounge, but as much of the curing as they want. Okay, um,
(20:44):
thank you for letting me speak at this memorial. I
just stop. As you know, Bobby was that's the him. Sure,
that's the strange. Thanks for letting me speak. What is he? What? Then?
He wasn't just a business partner, He was a friend.
(21:08):
What kind of friend would do that? You're the one
who just give him a chance? What are you doing? Look,
I can hear everybody nice scooch Scooch depers. He's so
here's what I'm gonna do for you. I'm gonna tell
you all what I told Bobby that day. He's trying
to kill. We do not know what happened to that
(21:35):
particular group of fellas. C Two comes from from Dave,
who wrote, Hey, amigoes, hope you're well, enjoying the sun
and something something You're great suggestion, Wow, it seems so sincere.
A Pocket full of Skull, which is a memoir of
the Heart by Richard hamhock culled Pepper, Attorney at Law.
(21:58):
I love you guys, and hope this so you perform
live one day. All the best, Dave from mid Veil
Utah ticket please. Yeah? Um, I have two tickets actually,
and I have somebody meeting me here, So can I
leave the ticket with you for them? Give you their name,
because I want to go on and get our seats.
I'm gonna need them to show their ticket. Yeah, right,
(22:20):
so I have their ticket. I see, I have tickets,
two tickets. I can help you. I'm I couldn't just
wait for your friend with that ticket. Wait here. Oh
my name's Jerry. I'm gonna be going into this show later.
I've got my own ticket, but if you give me
your extra ticket, I'll wait for your friend to give
it to them. Mm hmm. You have such a not
(22:44):
trusting face? Did you say not trusting face? Yeah, I'm
having trouble with this, Jerry. I'll tell you what. Give
me driver, give me your driver's license. I'll give you
the ticket. I'm doing you a fucking favor. You are, Jerry,
I appreciate. I'll tell you what. You give me your
driver's license, I'll give you the ticket and twenty dollars.
(23:07):
That's trust, how about I? Okay? All right, that's fair.
That's that's fair. Wow, that picture doesn't look anything like you. Oh,
it's definitely me. That was just before the summer when
I had my longer hair, right, it says Tim Nelson
on the license. Well, that's what my friends call me.
You're a stranger, Jerry. Jerry's what your friends call you.
(23:31):
Were Tim, Tim's what my friends call me. That's my
real nae. So oh, I see you were giving me
Jerry because we don't know each other. Yeah, give me back.
That's the tickets. I gotta go. I'm out of here.
(23:52):
Part of me. It's five minutes to places, sir, um
are the flowers to your liking? Do you have everything
you need? Water? I believe I requested Southern Comfort and
this is a Fiji water. We just thought maybe there
was a confusion on your rider. Oh, a confusion on
(24:14):
my rider? Was there? There was some confusion where I
wrote Southern Comfort. You thought that I wrote Fiji water?
Is that what it is? You think all these people
came to this auditorium tonight to see Richard hamhot Culpepper,
Attorney at law, give his major speech on the state
of the world while drinking a Fiji water? Is that
(24:38):
what you thought was gonna happen this evening? I was mistaken,
Sir there's no Champagne hunted get back in the cage.
And that's the other thing we wanted to address. What
that's my leopard? Very well? All right, when when he
(25:00):
comes out on stage you hit him with spot left?
What are you gonna do when he comes out on
stage left? Okay? Just got this, Yeah, Tommy, Gerald's gonna
do it. Who's gonna do it? You can call me
Jerry and I will definitely hit him with spot right,
spot left. Okay, all right, let's go through it one
more time. I think we've all right. Geraldy seems like
(25:20):
you have a question. I mean, Tommy, Timmy, I've been
doing this for years and he can't even seem he's
gonna do spot right. Tommy, you've got something on your face.
And until you get that off your face coming through
center spot, thank you, sir. I got my new spot
gloves on, as you can see, Nike gloves. Yeah they're
(25:45):
Nike golf golf gloves. Yeah, a big deal. All right?
So what's uh? What are we looking at here? Director?
Just telling us a spot left is what's needed. I mean,
wait the start, but off your cue and meals of course.
All right, here's here's here's how this is gonna go.
(26:06):
All right, everybody, thank you. I think tonight we should
feel it from a bone. Lets go with our instincts. Okay,
I just want to ask a question, quick question. When
I think he's going to be a silly question. Author
comes on stage, there needs to be light on him. Okay, okay, okay,
(26:28):
I'm now removing one of my Nike gloves. If it
were to slap you, there would be an issue. Yes,
yes it would. I mean all we have is what's
in the glass case. So Eminem's twizzlers and popcorn. As
you can see, that's that's all we have. Any Poe, No, No,
(26:52):
all we have is what's in the case. So this
is my my day for tonight. Hello, better have apple pie.
I ain't even staying for the show. What is going on?
We just if everyone in line, just so you know
that we don't have pie here. The only concessions we
(27:14):
have are what's in the case. I'm sure you have
something in a secret menu and off you know, a
hidden menu, so we'll just have the pie. We'll have.
There's there is no kitchen here. What we serve is
in the case, so the concessions are are here. It's
it's it's a concession. This is okay. Where's the pie case?
(27:36):
Not here? There is no pie case. It's not here,
so it's somewhere, and then I will look, we will look.
Uh pardon me for bargaining, Mr Culpepper, Yes, sir, I
just want to see if you had any music you
want to be played out too. Ah Well, generally I
like to enter to hail to the Chief, but I
(27:57):
was told that it is inappropriate for me to do
so because I am not currently the president of the
United States. Let me ask my lampard, Mrs Spots, is
there a particular song you would like for us to
enter to this evening? Play my song? Mrs Spots would
like you to play her song as we take the
stage this evening for our read They'd love to do that,
(28:20):
very excited, happy to do that for you. Can I
just get a quick heads up on what Ms Spotts
song is? MS? Surely, surely you know what Mrs Spotts
song is if you've ever seen the work that I
have done with this lempart. So I'm gonna go ahead
and assume that was a joke and you do know
(28:41):
exactly what song I'm talking about. Doors, slam noise, and
then he closed it during my face. I don't know.
So what I'm supposed to get from every song in
the universe? What miss spots and get it right? Because
I didn't have the ball, So I just say sorry,
Cold Pepper or whatever the hell your real name is.
I don't know what song is, right, So what am
(29:02):
I gonna do? I don't know. I'm just in line
for the bathroom. I don't know. Hey, where'd you get
that pie? I brought it in? Wow? Kind of prize.
It's a hybrid pie. I'm not done in the bathroom
yet because one of you guys get some toilet paper.
(29:24):
It's kind of an emergency. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. Let's go,
let's get out. No, no, no, no, yeah, sorry, those
those two guys, they just they just ran away. It's
everything okay in there. Oh, it's fine, it's fine. There
doesn't happen. Do you work here? I can't crack the
store open any any further than it's open. No, No,
(29:47):
I don't work. I was actually a friend of mine
was supposed to leave a ticket for me at the
box office. We just had some kind of kerfuffle. Out there,
but eventually they let me in, you know, Squeaky Wheel
gets the grease and all. But uh, I really feel
for your plight out there. Let's if I have anything
in my pockets. Okay, I mean, I have this receipt
from dinner to my my grandfather's handkerchief. Will that that's
(30:12):
even better? Here have the receipt back? Okay, Oh I
have this this this beach towel that I just got
from the Okay, thank you. Q two. All right, everybody,
it's almost showtime. They're gonna start there. They're gonna start
the music. You start, the lights will come from the left.
It will be transformative. Sir. Song it's her song, song song.
(30:40):
I'm gonna step your neck with my feet. I'm gonna
stab your nack with my feet. Here he comes, here,
he comes with me feet. I'm gonna snap your with you.
Thank you, everybody, Thank you very much. Oh well, that's
spots coming from a different side than I am used to. Sure,
(31:05):
I am, Mr Lawyer Culpepper. I don't know how to
say that correctly. Um, the audience isn't isn't fully unient
that there seems to be some kind of issue at
the concession stand, So we're just trying to sort that out.
I'm sorry, did the concession stand not get the rider
in my contract? This rider right here that says concession
concession stands at my shows with mrs spots will serve high?
(31:31):
Do you hear the crowd that's right? Yes? Uh, well
we did not get that. I I am so sorry.
Well you did not get via? No, no, I did not.
So well, we we can just go get some spot
left spot right, Yeah, we're here. Did you have something
(31:55):
to say? Yeah? Yeah. It's okay to have a little
dramatic pause every now and then. You don't have to
fill all space with sound. Sometimes you need to let
the emotion to hit you. Okay, when he walked out,
we hit him with the wrong light. We didn't. It
was him. He pipe down, Let the emotion breathe. Yeah,
(32:15):
I'm done, that's all I'm saying. Done, taking these gloves off.
You're done with center light. Jerry. Don't don't push back
right now, all right, don't push back to emal is
a Meal is talking? All right? Did you hear the
announcement from talent on stage when he got hit by
(32:36):
the wrong light quote unquote your fired or someone's fired. Yeah,
he doesn't control you know, I'm in charge. You know,
along with the meal. A meal has a lot to say.
Talent doesn't dictate who gets fired. Yeah, but it's you know,
are we in a union or not? I'm sorry, let's
not say the word union. Okay, spot spot left. Let
(32:59):
me get this right. You think every talent that comes
in and out of these doors has the right to
fire and higher staff as they please. Well, i've spot left,
he's spot right. I'm asking this whole time. Now, I'm
talking to you. I'm not the he's the Can you
just answer the question? Could you say it? One? Okay? Okay?
(33:20):
Al right, no, no, no, no, no, no, please don't
fire me. I'm just checking your resume here. You worked
as a spotlighter for a while. I'm i mean, well,
three of us? Is that a snake? What was that?
A snake in your back? Do you have a snake here?
We one of us has a snake? Okay, well, mr
(33:40):
SOFTI freeze. We we don't uh, we don't deal with
snakes here. Okay, we just deal with soft. What's yours?
It's always said no more steaks? Alright, So Bob, what
(34:08):
can I do it against you? You know, a couple
more crates of the good stuff. Huh. Alright, so you
brought in the right guy for this concession stand. This
garbage bag is filled with cherry pie filling. Now I
just need you to get one time. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
(34:30):
Did you work? Have you ever worked in Amsterdam? Yeah?
You look familiar? You look familiar? God, all right? Do
you do doing impressions? Do do impressions? First of all, no,
I don't, and I don't know what you're referencing. But
I'm trying to get through a pretty important situation. I've
(34:51):
been brought in because I'm a guy that has solutions.
Just look familiar. I see celebrities when I look familiar
or a self familiar both both. I'm sorry, I'll just continue.
I was just trying to pay you. Okay, okay, we'll
put your fist in this garbage bag and get some
of that cheery pie feeling. M M all right, And
(35:13):
now you're gonna put it between these two tortilla shelves.
Show offt flower tortilla show All right, there you go,
simplest that. How you put it into the same hot light?
Did you put those corn dog et cender spoon paka,
it's a pie hi part of me. Um. I'll take
(35:36):
out one diet coke and one slice of pie place Yeah, okay,
diet coke. What size did you want? Small? Medium? Large?
Small place? Okay? And the pie small medium, a large,
small place Okay. That's uh seventeen dollars and I'm sorry interrupt.
(35:57):
My little lady got sick as hell from eating one
of those good spoon shak alack what so yeah, we
need our money, but I don't want this pie after all.
I'm sorry to just jump in here, but he lady
gets sick as hell, so she doesn't feel good at
(36:23):
ard to find a chance she's part. Uh. Mr Colepepper
just um, I'm sorry, Mr Pepper. What Esquire? Thank you
Pepper Esquire? Um, before you go out on stage and
fire anyone else, I was hoping. Uh. You know, rehearsal
(36:44):
went fairly well. But now that the entire audience is
in um uh if you could go out to a
different song, a special song that's been selected for tonight
and this city that is so in love with the
fact that you are here. Oh you want me to Panda,
that's what you want me to do. You don't want
(37:04):
to play the single that was just released by my
leopard Mrs Spots, even though she did tell me that
there was another potential leopard here just to hear her single?
Is that what you're telling me? I was just spitballing,
let's go with the plan. Why don't we go with no? No,
(37:25):
We'll go with your plan. And while you had it,
why don't you mess with my pies too? Why don't
you just change the whole concept of what a pie
is since you're changing the whole concept of what a
walkout song is. Now, bring me one of my delicious
apple pies from the concession stand before I make my
entrance right away, sir, door slam noise? I listen. Uh.
(37:50):
The strangest thing. First of all, do you know that
when you leave his dressing room, he screamed, door slam noise?
You're done talking. I don't know that. I'm just waiting
in line for the bathroom. You're here to see? Could
Pepper esquire though? Right? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, okay, Well, I'll
just give me a little insights that no one else has.
(38:11):
But I'm sorry. It turns out that that towel was
not flushable and the floor is just covered in water
and feces. You get somebody with a plunger. You seem
surprised the towel was not flushable. I'm really surprised. I
can't leave here. My clothes is all wet. I can't
open this door all the way. I'm sorry. Okay, could
(38:33):
you get a janitor? Yeah? Sure, we'll get a janitor,
and then we'll get you some toilet paper. And then
is there anything else we can get you? Well, like
a new a new pair of pants and shirt, new
pair of pants. Is there a stall you like? Uh? Sir,
Obviously you respect me and I respect to you. I'm
the center spot. But are you asking me to come
back as a as a janitor? Yes? Same, Yes, the
(39:00):
times have changed here, but I need somebody trustworthy. I
have a mop in the bucket, Yes I have a
thousand times. Yes, oh okay, I thought, well, I like
a list of like twenty reasons to come back. But
I respect you, sorry, and I respect you. You're the
most talented spot I've ever seen. I mean, you went
to college and Paolo Alto. I don't know where, but yeah,
(39:21):
it seems like a smart place. It's a nice city.
Now you watch what I do for the janitorial Okay, Okay,
I thought you got aggressive, you got the job. Your
passion I was. I was passionate, sir. Okay, So you
want how well I can mop? Okay? Yeah, just tell
(39:42):
it to the floor, you know, because if you fucking
think for one second, that's in my chest that that
ship is going to beat me. No, you're crazy. You
know what, Why don't you take the keys to the kingdom.
That's what I'd like to hear. Thank you. Clink click clank,
clink clink. That the actually the somebody's at the door.
(40:07):
But there's the first jobs in the bathroom, bathroom on
the Just dust around the office for a little. We
got a big situation. Yeah, come in. Uh yeah, are
the usher? Yeah, there's not the tickets. There's some tickets left. Yeah, White,
(40:29):
don't go into the box office. Go the usher. Just
stay in the aisle. Okay, can I go? You're the
one who came here. Okay, Hey, yeah, don't take your
shirt off. How you said I could stay here for
(40:51):
a couple of nights? What? No, you did it? Okay,
put your shirt back on? Put you all right? All right?
Don't put it on backwards. Just put it on normal.
Now your name takes on the back. That looks weird.
You can't see my name before they see me because
(41:12):
they're gonna approach you from the front. Okay, alright, the
janitor coming through? All right, hey, Bud, how are you
doing in there? I can't come out or you're the janitor? Yeah, okay.
I somebody flushed a toell down the toilet, I think,
(41:33):
and it's created kind of a flood. It's really not
kind of, it's a flood in here. No problem. I'm
here to fix everything now that you can just step
out of the stoll of this. I'm naked, Oh my,
kind of it's so embarrassing. Get out of here, Get
(41:54):
out of this bathroom. That great man. Because I got
your clothes, sir, I think you needed some fresh clothes. Yeah,
I went down to that store. Go fund yourself. Just
put these on. Oh these aren't clothes. These aren't clothes
at all. Hi, welcome to go funk yourself. But then,
how can I help you? Yeah? I'm looking for something
(42:15):
I was in mind. I'm looking for can you help
me get a shirt? What? What the hell is going on? Sorry? Sorry,
I'm looking for something formal shirtella, would you when you
get up there? You know what, just go ahead, just
just cut ahead, go go fund yourself. I guess he
(42:37):
doesn't know where he's at. Can I get a shirt?
Real quick? Sure? And so there you are, Okay, I
have a terrific have a great day. No, no, you do.
You have a great day. So something forrible? Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm just so fucking pissed. Um I want some suck
(43:01):
you man? All right, man? Stop? Why once you get
in line? All right? Can you get a shirt? Him?
In line? You ask whole Nobody moved. Nobody moved. A
leopard has just entered the store. Don't move. Oh that's
Mr Spots. It's all right. And that has seemed to
seem too everybody seemed to Oh my god, oh my god.
(43:30):
Since three comes as a patron acomaniac Michael Russell who
wrote in all caps, hey you guys, lower caps, someone
who was addicted to fiber m hm, hey, how you
don't I haven't seen you in any of these meetings before. Yeah,
(43:53):
it's um, this is it's it's a little embarrassing. I'm
just here to listen. I don't I don't really want
to talk. No reason to be embarrassed here about anything. Friend. Okay,
there's this there just before we start, just in case
their bathroom. There are two bathrooms. There's one on the
left for no matter what sex you are, and one
on the right for people who don't appreciate those sort
(44:13):
of things. Oh okay, I mean I'll obviously take the first.
Is that cake for everybody? The cake is not for everyone.
It's for everyone who identifies in a unique way. Okay, okay,
I'm I'm just gonna go sit down and look at
my phone. All right, everybody, we're gonna get this meeting started.
(44:35):
So if you'd all sit down in anonymous uh, addictions anonymously,
we've got it. Wait wait what anonymous addictions anonymously? Uh?
We have a new person here, so we're anonymous about
what we're addicted to. This isn't specifically well to one thing.
You must be new also. So the good news for
(44:57):
you is, if it's your first day an anonymous a
actions anonymously, you're gonna stand on top in front of
everybody and you're gonna tell us what your addiction is too. Okay,
that's fine, Terry, Why did you laugh in the middle.
This is serious. I apologize. I just I thought I
recognized him, and then I was going to ask his name,
and then you just said his name. Dude, you just
(45:19):
call him Jerry. You just said his name. This whole
business is supposed to be about anonymity, Sir. I don't
feel everybody thought his name was Tim Nelson's Tim Nelson? Okay,
everybody sit down, All right, let's just get this. What's
your name? What do you what do your friends call you? Well, first,
(45:40):
I have one name that I use here in this
group of friends, and then I have a real name
out there so I can keep it anonymous. I don't
understand why addiction has to be anonymous. Yeah, well it's enough. Well,
the thing is, it's a it's a wide pool of
Jerry Tim. Maybe someone else could lead Today's mab been
leading this for a long. I've got a ticket here
(46:02):
that one lucky person is gonna get. Wait, there's it's
a lucky ticket. Okay, but we need to hear from
somebody before I give this away, because it's going to
be what I think is the best uh self disclosure
in the group is going to get this ticket to
I'll do it i'll do it. I'll do it. I'll
(46:23):
do it, do it, I'll do it, I'll do it,
I'll do Okay, Okay, the new person has first rights.
Go ahead. Oh um okay um um yea, because we're
(46:44):
but you didn't. You didn't shout your you didn't put
your arm up, you didn't shout, you didn't say anything.
So I'm gonna give this anonymous person an opportunity. But
you're not new. You come here every week. This is
a great cake. By the way, that cake is not
for everybody. I I I identify in a unique way though. Okay, great,
So you have an opportunity to maybe win a ticket
(47:06):
to Pocket full of Skull mom Skults school. Uh, it's
a meta play. So what who's my weight? Memore play?
Those memoir play is it? Let me some examples of Hey, um, hey, Barry,
(47:30):
are you up? Yeah? What? Oh? Okay, you can get
a guest. It's okay, it's one speaker. I'm on speaker.
I'll hang up. We go to sleep on the phone together.
M hmmm, hey Barry, um, I'll do all mind me
coming in. I know it's a little early, look man,
um as you know, I'm gonna go golf this morning.
It's Tuesday, my golf day. Could this be an email?
(47:52):
Could you just email me? No, we're not business partners,
were roommates, and more importantly, we're friends. And I'm gonna
cut right to it. I was looking for my non
dairy creamer and I came across this. It's baggy full
of what I assume is orange flavored meta musle. H. No,
I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't know.
(48:18):
What do you mean, Berry, you have a fucking problem
that was on my side of the fridge. Why are
you even looking there? It's you're right, I mean, we
just gotta drive forward. Advance isn't going to be here
on them all right. This is our tea time, So
I don't know where the hell he is, but you know,
I mean we should just drive We just keep driving them.
I think we should just drive forward, drive forward. If
(48:40):
he's not gonna be able to make it, he's not
gonna be able to make it, I say, we just
get in the cart and literally keep driving. We just
drive forward. Yeah, let's just want to drive forward. Let's
just drive drive. You guys, these clubs out of here, Yeah, yeah,
these clubs out of here. Just you these bows and
arrows in our Martinis. Let's drive, Let's drive, keep on,
(49:02):
go to drive forward, driving forward. Are you gonna admit
it or not? Berry? Is this yours? Yeah? It's mine,
But I don't see what it has to do with
you at all. You know what, Maybe you're right. Maybe
I'm not good at boundaries, but I am good at
loving Barry, you have a problem with fiber ah, and
(49:22):
this is pure uncut meta musel. I know the good stuff.
I spent time in college. What do that mean? We
want to cook? Look? Either want you head into a
meeting or need you headed out? Because I gotta get
to my tea time. My name is something to get
(49:43):
to a meeting? Berry, Berry, huh, well, welcome. You're gonna
have to identify a little more uniquely than that if
you want some of this cake, though, Man, I don't
want any cake right now? Thanks, Um, just here because
my roommates evan driving me crazy. Wait, that's that's what
you're The thing that you're here anonymously about is your roommate.
(50:03):
Oh no, I don't want to they're sharing by the cake.
They're not sharing with the group that cakes not for everybody. Yeah,
they can't share. You gotta share in the group. Hey, Jimbo, Jimbo,
stop yelling, John, listen. Uh, why do you gotta be
this rat who just calls people off for the ship.
So his name's Jimbo. Well I got everyone's information here,
(50:27):
you know what. Yeah, my name's Jimbo, all right, and
it is my name that I use outside and inside.
I don't know why I don't worry. And what do
you think you do? I uh, I eat my tonyil clippage.
Oh yeah, come on, relax, get the fuck out of here.
(50:50):
Come on that they break down, dude, or is it
like corner peanuts and they end up in your feces hole?
They end up in my feces hole. Discuss Berry. We
started talking about feces, you started sweating. What's wrong? Man?
A man? That's I don't have that problem at all. Man,
Feces is my friend. You know what I mean? Um?
(51:11):
Hold on, hold on, sorry, I mean, but that is
Can we all say that for a second place? Finally,
something positive? Fees It's like a T shirt. I thought
Jerry was running the meeting and that I'm confused and
why he's running the meeting? Did you hear you're not great?
(51:32):
We're getting Tim, Jerry, You're you're fine, Give us just
a moment. Yeah, right. I don't think, Jerry. I don't
think Jerry Tim should be running the meeting. He thinks
he's coming and going in time. Maybe he should share.
Maybe he's just share. Hey, Jerry, that's a good idea.
Hey are you guys conspiring by the cake? Jerry? Did
you want to share something with the group. I know
(51:53):
this is my first day here, um, but something, Maybe
you have something on your mind. I gotta take it.
What if you share? I had a special ticket for you.
All right. Well, I've been running this meeting for a
long time and it's honestly gotten pretty difficult lately. I've
it's been more than seven years since I huffed gasoline,
(52:16):
and uh, your diketing is supposed to be anonymous. Oh
I'm sorry. Sorry, it's just that, Uh, I don't know.
I feel like I don't I feel like if I
share with you guys more, then maybe you'll let me continuing,
because running this meeting is really a big deal for Jerry. Jerry,
but you're getting kind of aggressive. Say no more. Here's
(52:40):
your ticket, one ticket to a pocket full of skull
a memoir play. But that guy has a ticket to
he's just giving him back to the ticket he gave him.
How many more? Because we can We just confused, and honestly,
I'm pretty sure the show was the other day. I'm
not sure it works anymore. I'm sorry, buddy. I don't
(53:03):
know where the hell your friends are, but we're teeing
off here. Okay, you can just join our group or
just power through it, all right? No, I mean those
those guys don't know how to play the game, so
I thought I would just don't know. They don't, you
know what I mean? From the crazy Yeah, so I
just wanna you gotta to something. I'll just join. You'll
be a threeesoming. It'll be totally buddy, that's not how
(53:24):
we do things, all right. There's a tea time, go
talk to the courthouse inside or whatever that. Yeah. Uh,
have you played golf before, because I feel like I
played golf before, buddy, that's what this rackets for, you dumbass,
and not get the hell out of my way. Then
let me get a swing. Hey, Jerry, hold on, hold on, Jerry, Hey,
(53:47):
I just wanted to say, um, I apologize for how
that meetia went today. But um, for what it's worth,
I thought you did a great job. And I just
have a quick question. When you stopped inhaling gasoline, did
you notice that, like your work also went down. I
guess what I'm asking is how much of your gravelly
(54:07):
voice are you attributing to the work you got before?
They're sharing in the hallway. No, no, I just messing
the question. I don't I don't know what you mean.
How much work did I give? Okay? Okay, well, I
(54:27):
mean I was gonna make this clear. I wasting clear.
You can all listen. You can all listen. Okay, Now,
I assume based on the way your voice used to
be that got you certain How do you know what
my voice used to sound like? I just said assume.
I'm making an assumption is anonymous? Why are you eating
all the cake? Because I'm standing by it. I still
(54:50):
I still get called into fixed problems that people have.
I'm I'm a problem solver, so so so it was
mainly your talent that got you jobs before, not your life. Solutely,
I don't think my voice had anything to do with it. Okay, anything,
all right, Jerry, if you could just started the first
line there whenever you're ready, and um, super excited that
(55:12):
you're here and thanks for coming into that. Okay, the
first slide, Yeah, just pause one second. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
What's going on with his voice? I don't know. I
just thought he was talking to us, and then once
he starts reading the line, till use the one. No, no, no,
this is not the audition. Wasn't he on some gasoline
or something? Yeah? Whatever he was on, what was not
(55:34):
our business. The guys, you're gonna stop rolling? Your voices
are right by this camera? Yes, yes, Why would you
be rolling, Tim because you told me that he was
gonna start. I'm sorry, Look left camera stop rolling, right
camera start rolling, and center camera stop rolling. Stop. This
is just an audition, right, because there's a lot more
(55:54):
cameras in here. You're not gonna put this straight up, Jerry.
You don't need to think about any of that, just
to be in copy in front of you and feel
to use that great voice of yours. You got it,
you got it. I think we should so correct with gasolene.
Were all cameras John honestly rolling rolling, rolling? Pocket full
(56:16):
of skulls? The movie ready? Jerry? Uh, when you're driving
across the hard three cameras, Jerry, can I just get
a real quick So we're super excited that you're here.
I mixed, not already, but I just want to reiterate.
And um, it's a certain energy that you bring to
(56:39):
the audition on tape you did for us that I
was that was that audition was done before before I
had to you know, it turns out that not only
was gasoline causing my voice to have a weird adaptation, um,
but also brain damage with the other problem JR. Hey Jerry,
(57:02):
hold up, yeah, yeah, so I was right. A lot
of it was your voice here. Oh my, oh buddy,
I was right. He came in running. Oh. Let's thank
all of our alchemists on this particular gathering because it
(57:22):
has been so very fine, starting with Mr Chris. Chris, oh,
thank you so much, so much fun. Also, Mark, always
fun playing with your brother. Uh yeah, I don't know.
I don't have any to say. I'm in a good mood.
I feel good. I love everybody. We'll take it. The
Big Fix comic fis comedy fix. Thank you? Yeah, sure,
(57:43):
all right, check that out. It's called the Big Fix. Nope.
Fixes in Comedy Fix. Very excited. Uh, and James Heeney,
thanks for having me back. It's good to be back
on the show. Uh, thanks for tuning in. You can
follow me. I think it's the real James Ceni on Instagram. Uh,
(58:06):
you're not sure. I'm not honestly sure. I think that's
what it is. Are you back in the Greater Los
Angeles area? I am. I got back Monday. Okay, So
folks have been coming by your place when you weren't there.
They should know you're back. I don't want them to
know because I'd like to catch them in the act.
So keep it on the d L for now, and
then when they arrive, I'll know that they thought I
was gone and got you a moment right there. Perfect,
(58:29):
Mark Gagli already, thank you so much. Oh man, it's
always a delight. You guys are so much fun. Thanks
for having me. Where should folks find your wares? Um?
We got this with Mark and Howe. We have new
episodes every week and hopefully you will see me just
out and walking around in the world. As as that
is starting to happen here, we're looking for you for you,
(58:50):
and I hope it's happening for everyone else too. We'll
look for your Dasney Land on Friday. Perfect a tool thing. Hey,
thanks for having me back. Great to be here. Follow
me on my socials at a tool time A T
U L T I M E. And yeah, check out
the Fixed Up Comedy. It's great. It's great podcast, Joey Gerstein.
(59:12):
Check me out at Alchemy This on Instagram. And there
is a reddit somewhere. Sure, there is a reddit somewhere.
Listen every every single week on that reddit that they
post the episode and they list all of our names
and asked for votes for Alchemists of the week. So
every single week, with guests included, they list every episode
(59:35):
and the names of people who participated, so that we're
all being judged on a weekly basis. That's right, That's right, Okay, cool, Yeah,
just let's read it right pretty much down there right on.
Let's thank our producer and engineer the stars, Mr Doug Bane. Fine,
folks that I hurt media. I'm your host, Kevin Pollard,
(59:57):
thanking you each and every one of you for wanting
to listen to this. Please tell everyone you've ever met
about this extraordinary experience you've just had, and be kind
to each other whenever possible, until next time. He oh nice,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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