August 13, 2020 • 61 mins
There’s a genie in a bottle of ketchup.
Shia LeBeouf hears Chris Alvarado wants to fight him.
A vape shop.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode edition. I'm your host, Kevin Pollock.
Yes that Kevin? Is that? Hey, you're the one who said,
let's in fact keep the line in the coconut, but
not drink a boat together. Now we can't enjoy no particular.
(00:25):
Have you driven a jet ski? And if so, how
did you like? H No and no perfect, Those are
both correct answers. Look out, it's Chris A Varado g
mcg and he what's the most disgusting thing you ate
on purpose or otherwise? Geez? I know what it is,
(00:46):
but it would be a lot of controversy if I'm involved.
It involved hurting something and eating it's heart. Okay, so
why don't we just say that's very true? Enough said,
I'll stop there. Okay, I think you did it. Please
Welcome back, Patrick Rowland. P Land Memories from your first
(01:10):
time at Disneyland and or Walt disney World. Please. Oh
they don't exist because I never went. We couldn't afford it.
But I did go to six Flags in Illinois. Uh.
And I remember my cousin was afraid to write roller coaster,
so all we did was play games. So I'm really
good at carnival games. What's your favorite carnival game? Oh,
(01:30):
the one where you push the bowling ball and it's
like this like hill and it's got to fall into
this little uh, not fall into the dip, but go
over the the little hill and not come back to
You played that perfectly, you know that over game little Hill,
and I think it's called little Hill, Yeah, which also
is a rapper light and match. It's Caroline Carters Wolves.
(01:59):
How are you at sea? Oh? Great question. So I'm
afraid of the ocean. First of all, so I'm already
going in with a lot of fear because there's so
much we don't know about it. But secondly, I do
actually get sea sick, so but I don't puke. I
just feel sea sick. So I'm really good at sea.
(02:19):
Invite me on your boats. I'm always curious how people
are at sea. Uh. Last, but bring him donuts if
you think him least. It's Joey Grier, Pistol Patty if starving?
What oh if starving? And out of options, which one
of the alchemists are you eating first? And why? Oh? Man? Well,
(02:42):
Chris is not. It's got to be high after because
he already has another heart inside of him. Yep. So
like I know he has the spirit of some animals
and I might need both. But I don't know what
Corter seems like she wouldn't put up that much of
a face. You feel like. I feel like she would
be like, yeah, I'll do it for you and you
cut it out, you know, And so that might be
(03:03):
a But Chris has that that bunny hearten him or
whatever it was, Bunny smaller antal You know what I'm
gonna go with, Kevin, bless you. Let's do a damn
show show and with all of our scenes and suggestions
a euither from your listener emails. If you'd like to
submit one, please right to the podcast at your name
(03:23):
here at Alchemy this dot com. That's your name here,
and seen one comes to us. Some patron v I
p Steve, who wrote, Dear Kevin, thank you Alchemist for
providing two hours of light each week during this very
dark time. I am proud to be a patron subscriber.
I have a brilliant scene suggestion. Yeah, Steve, see you
(03:45):
don't want to raise expectations. It's super complicated. You get
to play yourselves and it's all during a pandemic. I'm
kidding anyway, here's the suggestion. There's a genie in a
bottle of ketchup all the best Steve in PACIFICA. Mom,
(04:05):
it's just good. It's just gonna it's gonna be jack
stop singing. You said it's my birthday. I can invite
who I want. Said, you can invite your top three
friends as can you stop singing? Please? He can't be
played the song? What he can't? I don't want him here.
(04:29):
He's your twin. He's your twin, and I'm only letting you.
I let you alternate which birthday you're celebrating your birthday
next you twins birthday? Okay? Are you singing? You keep singing?
I swear to God, I'm gonna smack you. Mom. You're
gonna wear a shirt? What? What are you gonna wear
(04:49):
a shirt? No? I like to let my titties swap out.
No shirt? No wrong? You know you know that's the
way I like the parent Okay, but they're they're gonna
be staring the whole time. They're my friends. I'm third
tane O. Don't know. It looks like we get an
invitation to the Talent and Twins birthday party. I just
feel comfortable going over there. Her titties are always flopping out.
(05:09):
I just see, like that's that's a plus for me.
It's it's just like the smoke. Of course it is, Yes,
it's just it's just the smell I can't get past.
You know that doesn't make me feel good when you
say that in front of me, You know that, right? What?
What that? It makes? It makes me feel inadequate, Okay,
makes me feel like I should have flap me titties too.
(05:30):
I mean, do you like, you know, like we're so
disive like Washington? You don't want to beat things out Washington?
Do you? No? I don't. I'm done playing him, Okay,
I want to be getting oldman for a change. He's
a fucking chameleon. Yeah that's true. But hey dad, Hey dad,
did you get an invite to another thirteen year old's
birthday party? Yes? You can need to stop going to those. Well,
(05:56):
they need to stop inviting us. Okay, we tell best
with a pair of thirteen year old twins. Why not?
They're they're they're cool, they're cool as hell. Were you
they're younger than me. Come in, we'll talk about this later. Hey, guys,
did you get my invitation. Hey, Ralph, anyway, Um, so
(06:24):
are you guys gonna make it like I only invited
YouTube and I invited Kevin. Also my three best friends. Yeah,
we go to school together. I don't rough we're talking
here to be respectful, all right. I want to tell
you guys, I don't I don't want presents this year.
I just want you. I just want you guys to
hang out. I want it's like, you know, like we
(06:45):
do hang out. Yeah, I mean sure, I mean, of
course we're gonna get you something, but something the theme
hot dogs? What's the theme of the party? Just hot dogs?
Yeahs at the birthday? Boy? Get over here you Kevin?
(07:08):
I got you a gift. Yes, I did that. Took
me an hour and a half to wrap it. Well,
go ahead and open it. I think you'll enjoy it.
Grandpa was invited to Yeah, your three best friends are
my two dads and my grandpa. Yeah, Ralph, are you
having the party here? Now? Is this a constant concern
(07:30):
of yours? Just open the gift it? But okay, wow,
it's not just a bottle of catchup. Don't just jump
to conclusions that there's a surprising side catch up. Maybe
something more well, okay, I'll see my house in a
half hour. Party starts in a half hour. Ralph, don't come, Ralph,
(07:52):
do you mind coming to my desk per moment. I
just want to talk to you. Thank you everyone. Good class,
good class. What's up Mrs Murphy, Ralph, you're slipping. They're
slipping hard and past. Mrs Murphy's a booch? Who said that?
Who said that? Who said that? I think it was
(08:13):
Jimmy kipping rough following me for a second. Jimmy, Jimmy, Come, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
Get my boomerang. Get my boomerang. Where's your boom? It's
above my test Get my booming Okay, I'm Mrs Murphy,
can suck a butt? Are you fucking kidding me? Get
my hunting rifle? Where rifle? It's under my desk? Roup
(08:40):
quickly looking reflecting device? What guy, um? Janice Murphy. I mean,
you've been working for us for fifteen years. You've got
your tenure right away. You've been with the system for
so long, right away. I got that tenure. I know
you did. And this I think is the year. It's
(09:03):
too much. It was the first week of school. And
you have murdered six students. What do I tell that
these kids parents are dead? And it's not even like
I can't even pass it off like before you would
give them, you know, poison or whatever, and I could
say it's natural causes. But now you're using hunting rifles,
you're using buner rags, you're using bear traps that you
(09:23):
set in their lockers. Understand well, you could spin it
as physics, you could spin it. I don't understand how. Um,
I'm sorry, Principal Paramore. H. I mean, my name is
on my name is on the desk. Can I change
my last name to be also the name of my
favorite band? Yes? And I know it's an adjustment for
(09:46):
people to get used to. It used to be Wilson
and now it's more. Are we to understand that our
child that of natural causes? Yes? I'm so sorry. What
do I mean? Um? My boy? And I know that
(10:06):
there are fifteen arrows in his back, that's how it
was found. But unfortunately it's just something that happens, you
know what I mean, It's just kind of the circle
of life investigation of some sort. We don't believe in
police in our schools, and I Um, so I do
(10:27):
have another appointment in five minutes, so um any last
questions and the way you're gonna have put the body
in my car? Mr Coleman, I know this is a
really tough time for you with the loss of your
um kitty. I don't know you'd refer to him, but
I was told to give you this, uh invitation to
(10:50):
a birthday part neats it's for your for your dead son,
whatever you said. And uh so, just so you know,
are your clown? Is this you dressed it? What is
this a thing? Is this a birthday? Graham? What is this? Yeah?
I do this. I got the call a rise, I
(11:10):
pulled in the parking lot that this was the case,
and you know, my boss is like, you don't have
to do this, but I'm a professional. I wanted to
deliver my card and hey, Jumbo, you don't have to
do this. Yeah I already did it. Oh really, yeah,
big shoes, the whole thing, the whole night. Did you
haunk your nose honked? My nose honked his? Uh you
(11:33):
haunted a little clients knows? Yeah, okay, well that might
be a yeah, I thought about that in the moment,
but you know what, I thought a little levity is
always good. Levity brings bread, and you gave this the
invite to the birthday party as well as the subpoena
Oh ship, the subpoena ship jumbo. Get back? Then, all right, mom,
so mane it adjustment. Have my three best friends coming,
(11:55):
and then also step on one of my boobs of
the dead kid. Shut up. If you don't stop singing
that song, I will smack you so far that you
will travel to the next town over just from a
thank you. Sorry, what was that, honey? Okay, okay, boy,
(12:19):
I know the party starting in like two minutes, but
I had my three my three best friends coming, and
then I gave it. I sent well, I hired a
clown service to deliver an invitation to the Dead Kid's father.
It just seemed like it would be nice to do
because he's like, he's like eight, it's like the age
range of my other friends. That's really just as long
as you include your Okay, I am my blood pressure
(12:42):
is so high. I am on medication for it already,
and you are making it. I can feel it go above.
Oh and mom, Kevin already gave me this gift, so
if we can instead of using whatever ketchup we have.
If we can use this ketchup, that'd be better, because
that is sweet. What do you mean the boat is missing?
He just knows an item to be sold. This is
(13:03):
an ancient relic holding inside the bottle, and I gave
a shot and I get sold it for one point
two thousand dollars dollars. That bottle holds a gin, right now,
a gin? Oh okay, wish Master. You've never seen wish
(13:24):
Master wish Master two and three, but not the original.
You have to see the original West Craven classic gin. Hey, guys,
walking to my house? Where's your mom? She's in the bathroom. Ralph,
what are you doing here? Like I I'm under house
(13:46):
arrest because I helped Mrs Murphy murder a bunch of
kids with a crossbow. So I have to go wherever
my dad's and my grandpa go. Yeah, sorry about that.
I killed Brendan clown and myself. Oh guys, I got
you guys, your favorite drink I got Yeah. Remember remember
(14:10):
my brother baby, what's wrong? He just sings? That's it? Yeah,
Well your voice cleared up, Kevin, Kevin, thanks, Yeah. I
went to the dermatologist and cleaned your ride up everyone. Sorry,
I was just finishing dogs in the room. So we
(14:36):
will Um, you guys will be going downstairs. My little
bread I'm gonna kill you. Okay, So we'll just be
going downstairs and um, here you go, honey, here's your
corn dogs and here's your catch up. Yeah. I'll be
(14:59):
up are in the bathroom. If anyone needs me, just
come open the door. You don't have to knock. Okay,
all right, everybody, I'd like to get some ketchup from
my corn dug. Yeah, okay, don't be so mean. I
was gonna make I wish I could get a ketchup
as well. What is this, guys? What is this? Oh
(15:31):
my god, Oh my god, it's a very special gift.
I'm glad you like it. I got this bottle of
ketchup for And I was told there was a genie
in side. That's right. And I was told there was
a genie in side. I guess this is what they meant.
(15:51):
Now is it a genior a gin? Because that's confused,
still confused. It's like straight out of Wish Master that
jin wish. I haven't seen that yet. I guess film
wish crazy whatever different big difference. Do I get one
(16:17):
wish for my birthday? Hold on, you've never seen worsh mash.
I wish I could see wish master. I got a
VHS coffee? Was that the only wish? Two more? Rufus?
(16:39):
Can anybody just say wish and get the wishes? Or
doesn't have to beat this specific kids? I wish you
could talk more clearly so we could understand. It's just better. Yeah,
that's yeah, yeah, guys. I only have one more wish,
it don't I wish? I wish that Ralph would go home?
(17:08):
Why not wish that all those dead kids would come
back to life? Oh Ralph for the wine? Two comes
or some haven who wrote Hello alchemists, haven here for
a second time. Weeks back, Joey and Chris had a
(17:31):
live chat on the Alchemist Instagram page that I watched
because apparently I have no life. The conversation got on
the topic of street fighting. Chris stated he used he
used to fight a lot, but stopped because it was
too dangerous and had too many negative possibilities. I then asked,
via comment quote, given the opportunity to fight anyone you
(17:54):
want in the world without any negative outcomes, who would
you fight. Chris answered something along the lines of shy
at because I'm kind of jealous of him. Yeah uh,
he answered in a time frame that made me feel
as if it was actually he had actually spent some
time thinking about this before the question was asked and
truly meant it, or maybe he improvised an answer. Is
(18:15):
that possible? It even better? It's obvious Kevin has become
frustrated to the loyal fans that make sure that this
podcast doesn't get canceled are requesting too many skits with
Alchemists playing themselves. So here is my scene. Shila Boff
played by Chris, somehow gets word of Chris's off handed
(18:37):
mention that he wants to fight him and desperately tries
to get the president of the UFC to schedule a fight.
Oh God, headlining pay per view against Chris. Thanks a
lot for all the entertainment value you bring. Truly, you
folks are the best. Joey, keep them Alchemy. There's live
(18:58):
feeds rolling when you have time, please, It's been a
while since I've seen one, you son of a bit. Well,
I kind of added that myself and the four other
people that watch them are really missing it. Oh see
why you gotta but seriously, cheers from Ontario Haven. PS,
we missed Vanessa. Good news. Vanessa will be back in
(19:19):
a couple of weeks. Um, okay, Shia lebuff is at
my four o'clock really? Yeah? Yeah, okay, you want only
one of you can be the assistant. The other one
is I was I'm training, I'm training him. I'm leaving
(19:42):
and I just here. I walked in. Okay, what can
we get you? Uh? Water, sure, but we'll get right
on that. We'll get a walk for you coming up.
What time is shya? He's here? Oh, he is here?
Four o'clock is now? And how does he How does
(20:02):
he look? Does he seem? Um? He seems I would
say wild, if i'd use a word to describe him. Agitated, Yeah,
I would say. If I had to use a word,
i'd say, uh, you know more than it's not one word.
But you know when you you know, when you get
construction paper and you scrunch it up and make into
a ball and then you open it up. Hey, new guy,
(20:26):
what's your name? Oh? Oh is it? Sorry? Refer to
you as visitor until I get your name, But new guy,
what is your name? So I'm visitor. Oh boy, and
I'm new guy. Yeah, I just wandered guy. I was
referring to the new trainee when I said new guy.
(20:48):
Oh of course, so trainee. What is your name? Troger? Right? Trainer,
Drugger and visitor? You must be Oh, I'm clem clem okay,
just claim or clam clam with the two ease. Actually
do you know clam though? I do? And oh my god,
(21:08):
not my favorite. Yes. I was just gonna say I
hate on the other side of this, because why would
you love clam Island. I'm gonna clam Island. He's a
bad guys. So what's he sells? Heroin? Who cares? People?
Need it? Troger? Was it Troger? Okay? From the Troger family? Oh?
(21:36):
Remember you requested that he'd be hired because he was
not qualified at all, and there was like hundreds of
applicants and you said, I want the trigger guy. My
dad is a daughter Troger from the Troger family. Yes, yes,
and I inadvertently killed him and this is sort of
a payback the mission of mine. So welcome, young Troger.
(21:57):
Thank you. Could you on your first assignment? Tell Mr
that will be another twenty two minutes twenty two minutes
from an how or from from now for the moment
you tell him twenty two more minutes? Okay, So I'll
wait to say that until I tell him. I kind
of love you to say it now if you just
go on out there. Okay, So I just to be clear,
it's twenty two minutes now from when you're telling me
(22:20):
from when you tell him, got it? Sorry for the way,
Mr le buff He's got a team of three assistance
and they're all total more. It's okay, it's it's a
wonder anything gets done around here. Yeah, man, yeah, Hey,
I like this color on you? Uh what maroon? No? No No, no,
(22:42):
the color around you? Oh what? What kind of color?
Do I have? A white? Okay? What do you want
to touch? You want to touch me a little bit? No,
I'm good. I just want to experience, if you want
to experience some human connection in real time. I've got
(23:04):
a great relationship of kids sexually. I mean above that.
I don't have sex with my kids. And I don't
know what you here. I'm playing there, I'm simply implaying.
You could have a deeper, further, higher, wider connection. No,
I better not. You know, it's a different time now.
(23:27):
On HOLLI you you're you're a crunch up construction paper.
Sure when I was a kid, and then you flatten
it out. Yeah, I have Christia over Audo. Sorry, I'm
just gonna listen to listen to my podcast. There's what
I'm just going to say. I'm gonna should be shy
(23:49):
a up up something about that guy. I wan to
him up because sorry, when my headphones too much. Hey,
can you hear hey? Can you? Did you? Yeah? No,
I can hear you? Just did somebody just say my name,
my name is Chris. I'm gonna kick ass. I'm gonna
Shylotte buff is done this podcast? I listened to Alchemy
(24:12):
this They put out two episodes a week for some reason.
And he's done. What did he just spelled? Done? Well?
Let me run it back? Do you? And the suggestions?
I think? Okay, alright, alright, so what's the hold up exactly?
(24:34):
This guy in the podcast wants to fight you? Yeah,
the funniest one in the whole podcast. I don't know.
I don't do you know. I don't have a complicated
relationship with comedy myself. Oh really he does all these voices?
He's great? Is he tough? Well? I mean for a
for a comedy guy. Sure, and he called me out
(25:00):
by name. He said specifically, I'd love to fight Shila
buff Yeah. Wow, hot dogs, hot dogs on a movie set.
Who wants to come on? It's the It's just no
one biting the nowadays. You know, it used to be
you put up a hot dog stand on a movie
said active movie said, people will be lighting up around
(25:20):
the block to get a bite of these sucking meat tubes.
But not anymore. Nowadays it's just people walking on by,
going to the salads, walking on by, going to the gelato.
Nobody wants an American dog anymore. There's time, it's a
different time. There's different time. Excuse me, producer, producer, you're
(25:42):
the producer of this film, right, yeah? Great? Um, you
know I mean I'm shy. What's up that sale? Slu Listen, Um,
the movie's going great. By the way, I'm really enjoying myself.
I might feeling I'm feeling things I've never felt for it,
you know what I mean. I'm touching this way, I'm
touching that way. Listen. I was wondering if maybe at
(26:06):
least at least free Yeah, no, I'll tell you me
free come on, come on, it's two dollars for a dollar.
It's not just pay the two dollars. Come on, it's
what I how I raised my This one's on me. Yes,
give us, give us two two for four two dogs?
Ya we go put mine in the trash. Listen, so
(26:28):
you're right, just throw that out. Yeah, you both do
him in the trash. No, oh, no, Georgio, we need
a set medic set manic for Papa Georgio. Yeah, so
(26:55):
I don't I like what you're doing. I'm sure you're like,
I'm not doing um now hear me, maicure. I went on,
I have I have the pro service so I can see.
(27:17):
You know. I looked at this actor named Chris Obarado.
Now he's gonna all right. Now, you're telling me that
you want to schedule a fight Shy against some guy
named crisp Aldocado. No, that's crazy, Jerry, that that'd be
a crazy name. Yeah, I know that. Okay, Alvarado, Okay,
(27:40):
And what's the deal with this man? I mean, alright, alright,
I can make this happen. I know you can. That's
why I came to you. I'm I'm thinking, what better
canvas to make art? On than an octagon or get
I think I'm gonna call it art on the octagon,
and I'm gonna use this guy's blood to create some
kind of art. Gone. Oh my god, that's it, Jerry
(28:03):
circle Man, Sir Chris Crisp, crisp Adicado was in the lobby,
and let him know that he can call me Dana White.
All right, yes, sir, yes, sir, all right, Jerry. How
do we know this is the right guy? Because if
I was asking for Chris, trust me, I know that
I got. My job is finding fighters. Okay, have it going?
(28:26):
My name is Chris Barbarado. A good listening to? Listening to? Okay?
I mean I'm a broken deal. I got an opportunity
for us to make a lot of money. All right, money?
Yeah for you? Oh man, I'm just a little boy
(28:46):
named Crisp. I don't even know if I can have money.
My mommy doesn't let me have the coins. I don't
think it's him. I don't think it's gonna happen. Coins
like the coins. Chris chrispa, are you CHRISP? Chris Chris?
How many times I tell you? Don't run away from
me like that? You are gorgeous beautiful man. Okay, more
(29:10):
than just my looks. I know who you are. Holes.
I'm Dana White. Also, Jerry, Hi, nice to meet you. Hi,
I am You're gorgeous. Thank you, sir. When can I
call you Dana White? You can call me Dana White
when you're not my goddamn trainee. Do you understand that? Okay?
(29:31):
I mean yeah, okay, I'm gonna use this blood. I'm
gonna use this blood. Put it on myself. There is
a child president, Chris a virtual eyes. I can't look away,
there's so much blood on his face. Listen, miss, you're gorgeous.
Can I beat up your son in the Arctagon? How
(29:52):
much for art's sake? Well, for for art? Talk to Jerry.
Jerry's got the money for your first fight? She how
about two hundred fifty thousand dollarino? You mean two point
five thousand dollars? MM? I don't know. Chris, how do
(30:14):
you feel about this? Like visits in coins so I
can eat them when we're done, I'll give it a
thumbs up. Okay, Um, just be really gentle on Chris piece.
He's he's unique. I have soft bombs. Hey, Greig, have
you saying this that looks like. I don't know if
it's a type or not, but Chris is fighting Shila Buff.
(30:37):
Chris Alvarado is finding syl a buff. Joey, what's up? Okay,
Kevin Craig, come over here. We're done. Sorry, man, I
didn't I didn't know he was gonna come. I know,
(30:59):
I know, I'm sorry. I tried. Sorry. Is he living here? Yeah,
he's in my spare room for the month, but he's
fucking Christ, dude, this is insane. You told me you
were filled up, you told no one could stay here,
and then you guys are out of peanut butter to sell,
you know, Okay, you guys include you for the month
(31:19):
while you're here. So we're out of peanut butter. Okay,
so what do we do when we're out of peanut butter?
Let you know? Okay, yes, thank you. He has a
fucking Costco card. Just tell him to buy everything in Bolk,
get like a palette peanut butter. Jesus Christ, what the
hell did you told me you were filled up? You
said no one can stay hey? Hey, Patrick, Yeah, you
(31:45):
you guessed on that that that podcast? Right, Yeah, a
couple of times? Sorry, Yeah, you think do you think
that guy could take me that Alvarado guy. What's what's
the pot? What's the pause here? Oh? Nothing. I was
just like, I'm just weighing. I'm I'm digesting with you
asked me, and like, I mean, by the way, by
(32:06):
the way, you're like the best part of that podcast recently.
No no, no, no, no, you kill it of course,
of course sometimes freezes on. I don't know, Okay, then yeah, okay,
I got some stuff I want to run by you,
uh later on since you like me so much, like
I know, I don't want to do because I host
(32:28):
this late night talk show was Barack Obama and you know,
but Chris, I don't know. Uh, he's a hard one
to like putting a putting a putting a square peg,
you know. So am I right? Yeah, yeah, that's true.
I feel like, you know, between you and him, it's
kind of like, you know, is he Mike Tyson and
(32:48):
you're Roy Jones Jr. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yeah
yeah but but where white? Yeah, okay, so do I
you can keep cutting, just cut finished, you can take
a little off the back place. Oh I'm sorry I
went excuse me, I'm sorry. I've also been cutting your
(33:08):
hair too. I've just been doing that. I was just
doing double. So do you get crunchy or smooth? What's
your what's your kind of on that? Crunchy? Yeah, Greg,
get my head out to pick up some peanut butter.
(33:31):
I'm thinking would go smooth, just to check it out.
I just got crunchy. I just got crunchy, Kevin, Okay,
So if I wanted smooth, I should just get get it.
Get it yourself. You have a Costco card? Well, hey, Jake, Uh,
what's your STIs on that? What's your STIs on that?
(33:52):
We make creamy butter sauce here and crunchy butter sauce here.
Don't ask people what their sts is? Sorry, I just
I was hopeful. I don't know. I try to up
my lingo. Less of you is what I'm saying. Less
of you, none of your style, one of the things
you do want to talk about, None of the clothes
you want to wear, none of the women you want
(34:14):
to date, none of the movies you want to watch,
none of the cars you want to drive, none the
homes you want to live in, none of that you
want to breathe, No ste If you could just clarify
what you mean, I just feel like ding ding ding
(34:36):
to the art. I was an Arcticon. Please all rise
for a moment of silence for Papa Georgio. Tragic, tragic silence, silence.
(34:57):
I'm now let the fight begin. At one quarter the
Star of Holes and Honey Boy and the bad Indiana
Jones try a la buff it's both. And the other
quarter a ten year old boy named crisp ab Jaccato.
(35:19):
He's got coins in his mouth. Supposed to be here, honey, honey,
we talked about this. Just getting the ring and do
your thing. I am in the ring. Why do I go?
Why do I have too much vasiline on my face?
It's to make the fists like just swipe off your
favorite fighters. Center the ring. Go ahead and go. Okay, now,
(35:41):
Dana White to start the fight. This should be a
fair fight. Okay. Now, I wanted to go down the
way it's supposed to be. Got a superstar terminator guy
was was the franchise? You were Terminators? And then we
got Daniel Boy who coins his mouth. Not want this clean?
I want this mean, I want this full of green.
And if anybody says in my now you let it go.
Let's say boxing, says UFC. Feet are allowed, pants are allowed,
(36:04):
all right, so let's use it all. So what do
you think it's better when it has a little crunch, right?
I mean the smooth is fine, but when there's also
nuts in there? I mean, can we get at least
(36:25):
get some common ground over this? Yeah? Yeah, sure, So Joey,
what were you saying about that fight it happened? What? Yeah,
Alvarado was in a fight, a UFC fight, Yes, well,
I mean yes, or a ten year old version of
(36:46):
I don't know. Then it was cig You guys got
a salami? Are you serious? Get a salami platter at costco?
I brought a tube of salami over. I don't know
why I am going to eat salami out of a
tube again. It's fine. You just roll up the box
and then you roll up the back. He Patrick, Yeah,
(37:09):
how bad was that? Man? That was pretty bad? Like
that kid, You didn't even pause this time. You didn't
even pause. You You just had an answer for me
this time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no pause. Um he sucked
up pretty Yeah. I just cut the last piece of
hair off your head too. I've kind of been sorry.
(37:31):
Should should have win. It wasn't looking at good on. Yeah,
Hey Patrick, Yeah, got you? Got your I got it,
I got everybody. I don't you wanted to get your
ass kicked by a ten year old got you? Oh?
How does that feel? How does that feel to be
(37:51):
a part of an experiment larger than yourself? I mean,
I don't know how it was affecting. Watch do you
feel that? Hey? Everybody gets what? I'm not a ten
year old boy. I'm Chris Alvarado, That's right. Um, I'm
(38:12):
a I love improv I love I love saying yes
and where. I love establishing characters. I love responding. I
love um, yes, yes, everybody. Chris, Chris, we we had
a conversation about this. We knew what you were gonna do.
(38:35):
I trusted that he could play Crisp. He had you
all fooled. Hey, got you because remember Crisp mother one? Yeah?
Does that familiar? Oh my god, Chris, were you in
on this? I know I thought that he was actually
(38:57):
my mom. Holy the humble Butler's actually dude to White.
There's no data Data, there was no Butler where, Yes, sir,
that character got cut you fers. Data White's hitting me.
(39:20):
I see you, Data White, I see you. Yes, I
said your name, and that character was played by me,
Craig Kikowski. Wow Wow, and that scene too, What has happened?
C three? Where are you? Here? We go? Pict b
(39:42):
I P Chris A k A Crispy A. I look
at hello who wrote Hello Kevin? For the sake of brevity,
You're all awesome and my scene suggestion is a vape shop.
Please keep doing what you're doing some of the UK
Patreon member Crispy A. I mean, what kind of rig
(40:03):
do you want? I don't know. Oh, I'll just wait. Yeah,
I'm not helping you, sir. All right, So her first,
who's first? How did this? She's first? Okay, take a ticket.
I was looking for um like I usually smoke like
Marbororo red. So if you have that, yeah, you just
want to like pure nicotine? Yeah alright cool. So what
(40:27):
you want to do? I mean your this is your
first vape thing, so I don't want to get you
on too crazy of a rig. I do I do have?
I have Alien Snot that's a brand that just just
stuff like the craziest electronic fingerprint l E D DNA
sampling on in the whole line. But what I'll introduce
you to you right now. This is a vortex, buttle,
(40:50):
and what does it want to do? This is okay?
So yeah, ding ding dinging. It's about sounds. It sounds broken.
I'm sorry, I don't know a lot about that one sounds.
That's how you know. It was like a loose gasket
or something. That's it carefull smoke coming off of the
(41:16):
but yeah, buttle, it's really simple. Using cree two. It
is seventy five bucks gassing one. Uh and yeaheah, sure, yeah,
here's my credit card. Thank you. Looks good to me.
All right, see you later. Thank you. Oh sorry you
didn't run it or anything, you just looked at it. Okay,
all right, thank you, thank you? Ding? Next, can I
(41:40):
get service now? Yes? Yeah, number fourteen? Let me Raspberry
peach please number four? Are you fourteen? Buddy? Are you
just calling? Sure? I'm fourteen? Oh? We gotta get tickets,
all right? Raspberry what Raspberry peach? Fo a piece of ship?
(42:02):
Here you go? There you go? Thanks man? Next? Can
I here? I have it? Right? I? Can I help you?
I want some edible jummies jummies? Yeah, totally totally, and
you want those nicotine uh, seventy you have seventy five percent.
(42:27):
I mean I got the lows I got right now
is ninety two? Okay, I'll do that. Do you hear me?
Just letting it go? Yeah, which it's interrupting. Okay, can
you we got an orter in the back. Do you
want me unloading your truck? No? I think this guy
will do it. Hey dude, you work here? Now? Oh
(42:48):
all right? Uh follow me. We got unload the truck. Okay,
I was okay, can I get some chocolate or yeah?
You're talking to you man? You were right? Yeah, babe,
where the hell were you? I'm like over here, jones ng.
(43:09):
I need a jummy good news. Somebody's got a job me.
I'm somebody. You're you're a lawyer. You have done a
second job. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Give me a jumpy me. Right, it's what Yeah, that's
(43:31):
the loss they had. I'm sorry, I'm sarry hear me.
Don't don't. You're gonna get it. You're gonna give it me. Yeah, sorry, um, yeah,
(43:52):
take it. Okay. So you're so you have another job? Yes,
I work at a babe shop now, oh my god.
All right now listen, we ought to make sure that
you gotta make sure that the commenced peas they understand
they're right. Okay, now what they've been Tyler? Huh yeah, Tyler,
were you just sleeping? Yeah? He was that don't yeah
(44:15):
he I think that one is out on the other
side of the window. But this is a sky scraper.
What the heck was that noise? Yeah, I'm telling you,
I hear it. It's behind right outside the window. Asshole. Okay, Sarah, Okay, sir.
(44:35):
If you hear it, then then you hear it. I'm
asking you not. Can you not bring our personal life
into the office, please, because you're like a rude little
dude right now. Alright, So you're asking me to build
you a seventy four skyscraper. Unfortunately, the lowest I can
go with a skyscraper, you know, listen, it means more offices,
(44:56):
more spaces to fail. It's up to you talk me
through the differences. I can't. I got I got another appointment. Unfortunately, Listen.
I was told all my friends say that in ninety
four is the way to go. Well, you're saying you
can't do it ninety four or you can totally do
(45:16):
it seventy four. The lowest I can do is in
ninety four? Do you want to get that phone? But
this is the contractor's phone. This is you want to
pick that up? This is Chris, Chris, it might be here.
You grab Chris. I'm on speaker right, yeah, all right?
So yeah, well I'll get you. Let's go. Who's waiting? Fifteen?
(45:41):
I'll take this phone? Called them? I missed it? Who
was it? Hello? Hey? Hello? Yes, hello? Oh my god,
oh my god? Uh sixteen? Is there a sixteen here? Sixteen? Hey?
What can I do for you? Yeah? I wanted to
(46:02):
get a couple of two by fours and some some
yellow paint, ah, and uh, some trawlers. Oh okay, how
many of those it you want? One? Seven? You? One? Okay?
There you are. You have a good day. Thanks man,
(46:24):
It's it's me again. Do I have to take a number?
We were just talking a couple of minutes ago. So
is this mostly a retail shop? Because I know I
did want a skyscraper built? What you mean you sold
the vapor? The vape holds in itself an ancient being
and entity of a noble power. What do you mean
(46:47):
you just gave it away? New? So? What? So? What
if you're new that's clearly an ancient section of the
vay shop. Just look, it's older would call webs and such.
I see, I see. But like the one of the guys,
he just looked at a credit card and let the
(47:07):
person leave with the products. So I thought, like, that's
the business brand he did? What he just did? I
did I make a noopsie. No, you didn't get anyone
in trouble. You just told me something that was he's
stealing steally your honor. I obviously I am not qualified
(47:27):
to speak anymore, so I will let my attorney take
it from here. Yeah, do you want to go? Do
you want to go? Or you should? If one of
your attornies could step forward and speak at this time,
I don't think that would be Tyler Tyler Tyler you go,
you go? Tyler? Yeah, you go, Tyler, Tyler go, Tyler go,
(47:51):
someone go? Or I'm callares, come on, Tyler Tyler Taylor, Taylor, Madam,
I stopped kissing me your honor and ladies and well
(48:12):
everybody of the jury. Um, he smells like jummies. My clients.
Is uh such a client, I mean man? And you
know that accused of or just accusations and what is
an accusation, but he looks tired. Good people are shut summation. Uh, counselor,
(48:39):
can you ask a couple of questions for me? Please? Yeah,
where did you attend law school? Oh? Yeah, I attended
law school at May. I guess May, I guess where
you attended law school. There is house of law you know. Yeah?
(49:03):
This house is so great? Uh, wood paneling. All right?
So you have a receipt here for skyscraper. You can't.
It's been thirty days, so I can't. I can't. I
can't exchange that for you. You told me you would
build a Yeah, and I got a seventy four, which
is what I had asked for in the first place,
(49:25):
but was not what you had promised. Look, it's been
past thirty days. You can see in the receipt here.
I can give you store credit. I can give you
a sixty four. Um, I can give you, uh, pretty much.
Any of this yellow paint here is ready to go. Uh.
Do you vape? I do vape as a great vape
store right next store to here. You can. All I
(49:47):
know is I have a skyscraper that I can't use this.
I don't know what to say, man, I don't know
what to say, like, I don't have time to go
through all the fine print. H It's just a see.
Oh my god, Dad, I don't want your stupid ship.
You can't return to the store for my birthday. What
(50:08):
am I going to do with the nine ft skyscraper
for my eighteenth birthday? I don't want this, dad. Look,
you'll take my handy downs and you'll like them handy downs.
I gave you why me and asked me for a
freaking birthday list. If you're just gonna give me old skyscrapers,
(50:28):
this is This is classic you. Every time there's a
guy damn birthday, you just suck it up. You know what.
I'm so sorry, honey. Five years ago, Maureen, I wanted
like a book. I wanted like a funny mug. I
wanted like a blanket, and you got me a bucking
ninety more on sabies. Do you even listen to her?
Do you even listen to her? It's the handiest of downs,
(50:51):
shut dad, you. I wish I was never born. Did
somebody make a wish my vape? Oh my god, a
gin a gin came out of that bag? Kid? Oh
my god, wish master. We remember I've always seen two
and three. Now I heard a wish Yeah born, I
(51:18):
want to never be well. This one is so well
spoken you won't need to wish for him to clean
up his voice. Oh my god, where god curly she is?
She is partially an a inside of you and spur
instead of you, sir. Okay, so she wished she was
(51:41):
never born, but still we remember her somehow. Classic wish master.
There's always a catch. There's always a catch, Mr Craven.
We appreciate you coming in, and we understand you got
a new film idea. I can't wait to hear it.
I just wanted to bring you up to speed a
(52:02):
little bit. We're looking to mix things up a little
at the studio. We'd like to bring in some pictures
that a little more believably relatable to uh, to today's society.
So if you're could bring that out in one of
your pictures, that would be fantastic. What do you got
for us today? I noticed you called me Mr Craven,
which is uh, you may have the wrong guy. Like
(52:24):
I was hoping everything would be totally centered and um
that there would be a lot of eccentric characters. I
have Bill Murray already lined up. Uh my god, what
a beautiful thing. At least not free that two dollars.
And I do have to attend Papa Georgio's memorial service
(52:46):
as that. I know the lot is shutting down for
for that. So yeah, of course, of course. So what's
the new idea you have for us today with the
Bill Murray attached? Okay, well, it's it's centers around an
eleven and a half year old who is a child genius,
part of a family of geniuses. They're all very eccentric,
(53:07):
and there's there's mice that talk, and there's a there's
an immaculate gramophone record in the background. There's gonna be
subtitle to explain exactly what that is. What the kids
four that's maybe a little too old. I just think
eleven and a half is the perfect age. And then
(53:29):
we're gonna play a lot of British Invasion music from
the sixties and maybe some Charlie Brown Christmas stuff. Ok again,
everything's gonna be totally centered, right, with lots of helpful subtitles. Uh,
I just want my money back. I saw that West
Craven movie. It was super weird. I don't I think
it was Wes Anderson. I don't even think it was craven.
(53:52):
It wasn't scary. Got you, got you, you're shy. You
work at the movie theater. Surprise, the movie is still continuing.
You're now in it. Look behind you, You're perfectly centered
frame that you can run, run a long, long distance
behind you and you'll still be in the shot. Uh.
(54:15):
I don't want to do this. I just want my money.
I just want my money back for the for the movie.
I that's what what half all? Right? Hey? Good, good shot,
good good good take there, dude, Yeah, thank you. You
want a hot dog? I'm fine. I'm filled up with
(54:40):
hot dogs. I'm filled up with the dogs. M m,
well you've got meet up by a ten year old,
so yeah, but if it ended up being uh, in
our installation, a grown man dressed as a ten year old,
you guys, touch you up. Just you're a little shiny. Wait,
(55:04):
why do you have scissors? Huh? Head? I cut all
of your hair, but just mostly in the middle, and
I left the spots. I cut a reverse mohawk. Okay,
and for you just a little just a little powder
on the nose. You just have to breathe in really
(55:29):
quick now through your nose. You just give me one
he yes, okay, and that's it. Uh, Mrs Murphy, can
we talk about my grade? Yeah? What's going on? Well,
you gave me a B, which kind of lowers my
g p A he can suck my toe? Okay, who
(55:50):
said that? Oh God, damn it? Hey, get my hunting
knife from my death. Okay, I got your hunting knife.
I have your crossbow. Leave the crossbow. Damn it. We're
to do this personally, you understand. I hope you got
diarya so, but why are they still insulting you? They
should know better. At this point they have to learn listen,
(56:11):
we need to eat their hearts. Understand. I can't do
that anymore. Mrs Murphy, you have so much potential. I
help you murder several people. You give me a B. Now, Ralph,
I'm glad you're in my office as your counselor. Um.
Two things I want to talk about. One, it's obvious
you've been helping murder your classmates, but that's not going
(56:32):
to keep you from Harvard. This be is well, I'm
in eighth grade. I mean, surely there's time to remedy.
You think so? You would think so? Now The only
way I see you getting in a is if you
found the gin and asked me for it. Oh. Just
the other day, I went to a party and found
(56:53):
a gin, and I asked for the wrong ship. There
are more than one jin's they're there's several gin. There's
several gin. I well, anyway, I gotta get go. Where's
the first principal paramore? She's right next door. Why don't
(57:13):
you go wrap on her door? Oh, she's listening to
the Hailey Williams solo album. Hey, Kurt, I just saw
you over at the principal's office giving some advice to
some kids. I appreciate that thing. That's really that's really cool.
It's my job, counselor counts counselor. Counselor said, Cancelor, you
(57:44):
got those yummies? Yeah, bye bye. Here I go. Oh,
I got ship and as if sent by the God,
(58:05):
that's our show today. We did end on. I gotta ship.
Oh so good. Um. Let's thank all of our alchemists,
starting with the great and new bestie Patrick Rowland. Thanks, guys.
I hope you had fun. I did. I always have
fun doing this. He loved having you in the asylum
(58:28):
with us. Great to be back. Tell us about this,
uh Barack Obama talk show? Uh so, um I am.
I played Barack Obama and in my world, Netflix gave
him a deal and he also wait my talk show
and he has guests on there, and there's stand ups
and uh, he just has a really good time, you know,
(58:50):
just running a talk show. So great. Where can folks
sign it? Uh? You find out on I'm gonna stay
in his voice? Now what's our comedy dot com? I
believe there is a show coming up towards the end
of August, so looking up on the Google's Thank you
Mr President, very well, please come back, Mr President and
(59:12):
Patrick Caroline Cotter, thank you so much for joining the fun.
Thanks for having me. What is the item you wish
you had in the kitchen today? Um? An item maybe
(59:33):
like uh like a nice like a nice bowl, A
nice bowl? Yeah, made out of metal? Perfect? You got that,
Craig got it? Okay, Thanks Joey great, Thank you so
much for being here. It was all right, Thanks Pal.
(59:58):
I need to take one moment for clarification, please last episode. Yes,
I was trying to say, if you were listening to
Good Night Like, if you were bored, stop dud it stuck.
And then I didn't mean if you were listening to
it and got bored of, you meant because I got
I got a big laugh. I didn't understand why. And
(01:00:20):
then our producer, Doug Babe was like, good one. And
then I was like, oh, that wasn't my intention. I mean,
when you're bored, you pop on an album, and while
the album is playing, you can go to Chris dash
Operado dot com. That's www dot Chris No not Yeah,
thank you for that, Chris, You are loved more than
you know. Craig at Cowski. Yes, if you're looking for
(01:00:44):
a verb, that means go together with your looking for jibe.
J I b not give. Things don't jive together. They
jib together. Though I know it's a losing battle. I've
even seen it in the New Yorker as jive but
it's wrong. Oh. I so love the corrections. It's my
favorite part of the show. Is that wrong? No? Alright,
(01:01:05):
right to the podcast. Please your name here tlcom dot com.
Let's thank our producer and engineered the stars, Mr Doug Bane.
Fine folks and I heart media. Fump bump fump bump bum.
Be kind to each other. Please wear a mask and
be careful. We will return to our lives at some point.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollic, until next time.
Welcome back to another episode edition. I'm your host, Kevin Pollock.
Yes that Kevin? Is that? Hey, you're the one who said,
let's in fact keep the line in the coconut, but
not drink a boat together. Now we can't enjoy no particular.
(00:25):
Have you driven a jet ski? And if so, how
did you like? H No and no perfect, Those are
both correct answers. Look out, it's Chris A Varado g
mcg and he what's the most disgusting thing you ate
on purpose or otherwise? Geez? I know what it is,
(00:46):
but it would be a lot of controversy if I'm involved.
It involved hurting something and eating it's heart. Okay, so
why don't we just say that's very true? Enough said,
I'll stop there. Okay, I think you did it. Please
Welcome back, Patrick Rowland. P Land Memories from your first
(01:10):
time at Disneyland and or Walt disney World. Please. Oh
they don't exist because I never went. We couldn't afford it.
But I did go to six Flags in Illinois. Uh.
And I remember my cousin was afraid to write roller coaster,
so all we did was play games. So I'm really
good at carnival games. What's your favorite carnival game? Oh,
(01:30):
the one where you push the bowling ball and it's
like this like hill and it's got to fall into
this little uh, not fall into the dip, but go
over the the little hill and not come back to
You played that perfectly, you know that over game little Hill,
and I think it's called little Hill, Yeah, which also
is a rapper light and match. It's Caroline Carters Wolves.
(01:59):
How are you at sea? Oh? Great question. So I'm
afraid of the ocean. First of all, so I'm already
going in with a lot of fear because there's so
much we don't know about it. But secondly, I do
actually get sea sick, so but I don't puke. I
just feel sea sick. So I'm really good at sea.
(02:19):
Invite me on your boats. I'm always curious how people
are at sea. Uh. Last, but bring him donuts if
you think him least. It's Joey Grier, Pistol Patty if starving?
What oh if starving? And out of options, which one
of the alchemists are you eating first? And why? Oh? Man? Well,
(02:42):
Chris is not. It's got to be high after because
he already has another heart inside of him. Yep. So
like I know he has the spirit of some animals
and I might need both. But I don't know what
Corter seems like she wouldn't put up that much of
a face. You feel like. I feel like she would
be like, yeah, I'll do it for you and you
cut it out, you know, And so that might be
(03:03):
a But Chris has that that bunny hearten him or
whatever it was, Bunny smaller antal You know what I'm
gonna go with, Kevin, bless you. Let's do a damn
show show and with all of our scenes and suggestions
a euither from your listener emails. If you'd like to
submit one, please right to the podcast at your name
(03:23):
here at Alchemy this dot com. That's your name here,
and seen one comes to us. Some patron v I
p Steve, who wrote, Dear Kevin, thank you Alchemist for
providing two hours of light each week during this very
dark time. I am proud to be a patron subscriber.
I have a brilliant scene suggestion. Yeah, Steve, see you
(03:45):
don't want to raise expectations. It's super complicated. You get
to play yourselves and it's all during a pandemic. I'm
kidding anyway, here's the suggestion. There's a genie in a
bottle of ketchup all the best Steve in PACIFICA. Mom,
(04:05):
it's just good. It's just gonna it's gonna be jack
stop singing. You said it's my birthday. I can invite
who I want. Said, you can invite your top three
friends as can you stop singing? Please? He can't be
played the song? What he can't? I don't want him here.
(04:29):
He's your twin. He's your twin, and I'm only letting you.
I let you alternate which birthday you're celebrating your birthday
next you twins birthday? Okay? Are you singing? You keep singing?
I swear to God, I'm gonna smack you. Mom. You're
gonna wear a shirt? What? What are you gonna wear
(04:49):
a shirt? No? I like to let my titties swap out.
No shirt? No wrong? You know you know that's the
way I like the parent Okay, but they're they're gonna
be staring the whole time. They're my friends. I'm third
tane O. Don't know. It looks like we get an
invitation to the Talent and Twins birthday party. I just
feel comfortable going over there. Her titties are always flopping out.
(05:09):
I just see, like that's that's a plus for me.
It's it's just like the smoke. Of course it is, Yes,
it's just it's just the smell I can't get past.
You know that doesn't make me feel good when you
say that in front of me, You know that, right? What?
What that? It makes? It makes me feel inadequate, Okay,
makes me feel like I should have flap me titties too.
(05:30):
I mean, do you like, you know, like we're so
disive like Washington? You don't want to beat things out Washington?
Do you? No? I don't. I'm done playing him, Okay,
I want to be getting oldman for a change. He's
a fucking chameleon. Yeah that's true. But hey dad, Hey dad,
did you get an invite to another thirteen year old's
birthday party? Yes? You can need to stop going to those. Well,
(05:56):
they need to stop inviting us. Okay, we tell best
with a pair of thirteen year old twins. Why not?
They're they're they're cool, they're cool as hell. Were you
they're younger than me. Come in, we'll talk about this later. Hey, guys,
did you get my invitation. Hey, Ralph, anyway, Um, so
(06:24):
are you guys gonna make it like I only invited
YouTube and I invited Kevin. Also my three best friends. Yeah,
we go to school together. I don't rough we're talking
here to be respectful, all right. I want to tell
you guys, I don't I don't want presents this year.
I just want you. I just want you guys to
hang out. I want it's like, you know, like we
(06:45):
do hang out. Yeah, I mean sure, I mean, of
course we're gonna get you something, but something the theme
hot dogs? What's the theme of the party? Just hot dogs?
Yeahs at the birthday? Boy? Get over here you Kevin?
(07:08):
I got you a gift. Yes, I did that. Took
me an hour and a half to wrap it. Well,
go ahead and open it. I think you'll enjoy it.
Grandpa was invited to Yeah, your three best friends are
my two dads and my grandpa. Yeah, Ralph, are you
having the party here? Now? Is this a constant concern
(07:30):
of yours? Just open the gift it? But okay, wow,
it's not just a bottle of catchup. Don't just jump
to conclusions that there's a surprising side catch up. Maybe
something more well, okay, I'll see my house in a
half hour. Party starts in a half hour. Ralph, don't come, Ralph,
(07:52):
do you mind coming to my desk per moment. I
just want to talk to you. Thank you everyone. Good class,
good class. What's up Mrs Murphy, Ralph, you're slipping. They're
slipping hard and past. Mrs Murphy's a booch? Who said that?
Who said that? Who said that? I think it was
(08:13):
Jimmy kipping rough following me for a second. Jimmy, Jimmy, Come, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
Get my boomerang. Get my boomerang. Where's your boom? It's
above my test Get my booming Okay, I'm Mrs Murphy,
can suck a butt? Are you fucking kidding me? Get
my hunting rifle? Where rifle? It's under my desk? Roup
(08:40):
quickly looking reflecting device? What guy, um? Janice Murphy. I mean,
you've been working for us for fifteen years. You've got
your tenure right away. You've been with the system for
so long, right away. I got that tenure. I know
you did. And this I think is the year. It's
(09:03):
too much. It was the first week of school. And
you have murdered six students. What do I tell that
these kids parents are dead? And it's not even like
I can't even pass it off like before you would
give them, you know, poison or whatever, and I could
say it's natural causes. But now you're using hunting rifles,
you're using buner rags, you're using bear traps that you
(09:23):
set in their lockers. Understand well, you could spin it
as physics, you could spin it. I don't understand how. Um,
I'm sorry, Principal Paramore. H. I mean, my name is
on my name is on the desk. Can I change
my last name to be also the name of my
favorite band? Yes? And I know it's an adjustment for
(09:46):
people to get used to. It used to be Wilson
and now it's more. Are we to understand that our
child that of natural causes? Yes? I'm so sorry. What
do I mean? Um? My boy? And I know that
(10:06):
there are fifteen arrows in his back, that's how it
was found. But unfortunately it's just something that happens, you
know what I mean, It's just kind of the circle
of life investigation of some sort. We don't believe in
police in our schools, and I Um, so I do
(10:27):
have another appointment in five minutes, so um any last
questions and the way you're gonna have put the body
in my car? Mr Coleman, I know this is a
really tough time for you with the loss of your
um kitty. I don't know you'd refer to him, but
I was told to give you this, uh invitation to
(10:50):
a birthday part neats it's for your for your dead son,
whatever you said. And uh so, just so you know,
are your clown? Is this you dressed it? What is
this a thing? Is this a birthday? Graham? What is this? Yeah?
I do this. I got the call a rise, I
(11:10):
pulled in the parking lot that this was the case,
and you know, my boss is like, you don't have
to do this, but I'm a professional. I wanted to
deliver my card and hey, Jumbo, you don't have to
do this. Yeah I already did it. Oh really, yeah,
big shoes, the whole thing, the whole night. Did you
haunk your nose honked? My nose honked his? Uh you
(11:33):
haunted a little clients knows? Yeah, okay, well that might
be a yeah, I thought about that in the moment,
but you know what, I thought a little levity is
always good. Levity brings bread, and you gave this the
invite to the birthday party as well as the subpoena
Oh ship, the subpoena ship jumbo. Get back? Then, all right, mom,
so mane it adjustment. Have my three best friends coming,
(11:55):
and then also step on one of my boobs of
the dead kid. Shut up. If you don't stop singing
that song, I will smack you so far that you
will travel to the next town over just from a
thank you. Sorry, what was that, honey? Okay, okay, boy,
(12:19):
I know the party starting in like two minutes, but
I had my three my three best friends coming, and
then I gave it. I sent well, I hired a
clown service to deliver an invitation to the Dead Kid's father.
It just seemed like it would be nice to do
because he's like, he's like eight, it's like the age
range of my other friends. That's really just as long
as you include your Okay, I am my blood pressure
(12:42):
is so high. I am on medication for it already,
and you are making it. I can feel it go above.
Oh and mom, Kevin already gave me this gift, so
if we can instead of using whatever ketchup we have.
If we can use this ketchup, that'd be better, because
that is sweet. What do you mean the boat is missing?
He just knows an item to be sold. This is
(13:03):
an ancient relic holding inside the bottle, and I gave
a shot and I get sold it for one point
two thousand dollars dollars. That bottle holds a gin, right now,
a gin? Oh okay, wish Master. You've never seen wish
(13:24):
Master wish Master two and three, but not the original.
You have to see the original West Craven classic gin. Hey, guys,
walking to my house? Where's your mom? She's in the bathroom. Ralph,
what are you doing here? Like I I'm under house
(13:46):
arrest because I helped Mrs Murphy murder a bunch of
kids with a crossbow. So I have to go wherever
my dad's and my grandpa go. Yeah, sorry about that.
I killed Brendan clown and myself. Oh guys, I got
you guys, your favorite drink I got Yeah. Remember remember
(14:10):
my brother baby, what's wrong? He just sings? That's it? Yeah,
Well your voice cleared up, Kevin, Kevin, thanks, Yeah. I
went to the dermatologist and cleaned your ride up everyone. Sorry,
I was just finishing dogs in the room. So we
(14:36):
will Um, you guys will be going downstairs. My little
bread I'm gonna kill you. Okay, So we'll just be
going downstairs and um, here you go, honey, here's your
corn dogs and here's your catch up. Yeah. I'll be
(14:59):
up are in the bathroom. If anyone needs me, just
come open the door. You don't have to knock. Okay,
all right, everybody, I'd like to get some ketchup from
my corn dug. Yeah, okay, don't be so mean. I
was gonna make I wish I could get a ketchup
as well. What is this, guys? What is this? Oh
(15:31):
my god, Oh my god, it's a very special gift.
I'm glad you like it. I got this bottle of
ketchup for And I was told there was a genie
in side. That's right. And I was told there was
a genie in side. I guess this is what they meant.
(15:51):
Now is it a genior a gin? Because that's confused,
still confused. It's like straight out of Wish Master that
jin wish. I haven't seen that yet. I guess film
wish crazy whatever different big difference. Do I get one
(16:17):
wish for my birthday? Hold on, you've never seen worsh mash.
I wish I could see wish master. I got a
VHS coffee? Was that the only wish? Two more? Rufus?
(16:39):
Can anybody just say wish and get the wishes? Or
doesn't have to beat this specific kids? I wish you
could talk more clearly so we could understand. It's just better. Yeah,
that's yeah, yeah, guys. I only have one more wish,
it don't I wish? I wish that Ralph would go home?
(17:08):
Why not wish that all those dead kids would come
back to life? Oh Ralph for the wine? Two comes
or some haven who wrote Hello alchemists, haven here for
a second time. Weeks back, Joey and Chris had a
(17:31):
live chat on the Alchemist Instagram page that I watched
because apparently I have no life. The conversation got on
the topic of street fighting. Chris stated he used he
used to fight a lot, but stopped because it was
too dangerous and had too many negative possibilities. I then asked,
via comment quote, given the opportunity to fight anyone you
(17:54):
want in the world without any negative outcomes, who would
you fight. Chris answered something along the lines of shy
at because I'm kind of jealous of him. Yeah uh,
he answered in a time frame that made me feel
as if it was actually he had actually spent some
time thinking about this before the question was asked and
truly meant it, or maybe he improvised an answer. Is
(18:15):
that possible? It even better? It's obvious Kevin has become
frustrated to the loyal fans that make sure that this
podcast doesn't get canceled are requesting too many skits with
Alchemists playing themselves. So here is my scene. Shila Boff
played by Chris, somehow gets word of Chris's off handed
(18:37):
mention that he wants to fight him and desperately tries
to get the president of the UFC to schedule a fight.
Oh God, headlining pay per view against Chris. Thanks a
lot for all the entertainment value you bring. Truly, you
folks are the best. Joey, keep them Alchemy. There's live
(18:58):
feeds rolling when you have time, please, It's been a
while since I've seen one, you son of a bit. Well,
I kind of added that myself and the four other
people that watch them are really missing it. Oh see
why you gotta but seriously, cheers from Ontario Haven. PS,
we missed Vanessa. Good news. Vanessa will be back in
(19:19):
a couple of weeks. Um, okay, Shia lebuff is at
my four o'clock really? Yeah? Yeah, okay, you want only
one of you can be the assistant. The other one
is I was I'm training, I'm training him. I'm leaving
(19:42):
and I just here. I walked in. Okay, what can
we get you? Uh? Water, sure, but we'll get right
on that. We'll get a walk for you coming up.
What time is shya? He's here? Oh, he is here?
Four o'clock is now? And how does he How does
(20:02):
he look? Does he seem? Um? He seems I would
say wild, if i'd use a word to describe him. Agitated, Yeah,
I would say. If I had to use a word,
i'd say, uh, you know more than it's not one word.
But you know when you you know, when you get
construction paper and you scrunch it up and make into
a ball and then you open it up. Hey, new guy,
(20:26):
what's your name? Oh? Oh is it? Sorry? Refer to
you as visitor until I get your name, But new guy,
what is your name? So I'm visitor. Oh boy, and
I'm new guy. Yeah, I just wandered guy. I was
referring to the new trainee when I said new guy.
(20:48):
Oh of course, so trainee. What is your name? Troger? Right? Trainer,
Drugger and visitor? You must be Oh, I'm clem clem okay,
just claim or clam clam with the two ease. Actually
do you know clam though? I do? And oh my god,
(21:08):
not my favorite. Yes. I was just gonna say I
hate on the other side of this, because why would
you love clam Island. I'm gonna clam Island. He's a
bad guys. So what's he sells? Heroin? Who cares? People?
Need it? Troger? Was it Troger? Okay? From the Troger family? Oh?
(21:36):
Remember you requested that he'd be hired because he was
not qualified at all, and there was like hundreds of
applicants and you said, I want the trigger guy. My
dad is a daughter Troger from the Troger family. Yes, yes,
and I inadvertently killed him and this is sort of
a payback the mission of mine. So welcome, young Troger.
(21:57):
Thank you. Could you on your first assignment? Tell Mr
that will be another twenty two minutes twenty two minutes
from an how or from from now for the moment
you tell him twenty two more minutes? Okay, So I'll
wait to say that until I tell him. I kind
of love you to say it now if you just
go on out there. Okay, So I just to be clear,
it's twenty two minutes now from when you're telling me
(22:20):
from when you tell him, got it? Sorry for the way,
Mr le buff He's got a team of three assistance
and they're all total more. It's okay, it's it's a
wonder anything gets done around here. Yeah, man, yeah, Hey,
I like this color on you? Uh what maroon? No? No No, no,
(22:42):
the color around you? Oh what? What kind of color?
Do I have? A white? Okay? What do you want
to touch? You want to touch me a little bit? No,
I'm good. I just want to experience, if you want
to experience some human connection in real time. I've got
(23:04):
a great relationship of kids sexually. I mean above that.
I don't have sex with my kids. And I don't
know what you here. I'm playing there, I'm simply implaying.
You could have a deeper, further, higher, wider connection. No,
I better not. You know, it's a different time now.
(23:27):
On HOLLI you you're you're a crunch up construction paper.
Sure when I was a kid, and then you flatten
it out. Yeah, I have Christia over Audo. Sorry, I'm
just gonna listen to listen to my podcast. There's what
I'm just going to say. I'm gonna should be shy
(23:49):
a up up something about that guy. I wan to
him up because sorry, when my headphones too much. Hey,
can you hear hey? Can you? Did you? Yeah? No,
I can hear you? Just did somebody just say my name,
my name is Chris. I'm gonna kick ass. I'm gonna
Shylotte buff is done this podcast? I listened to Alchemy
(24:12):
this They put out two episodes a week for some reason.
And he's done. What did he just spelled? Done? Well?
Let me run it back? Do you? And the suggestions?
I think? Okay, alright, alright, so what's the hold up exactly?
(24:34):
This guy in the podcast wants to fight you? Yeah,
the funniest one in the whole podcast. I don't know.
I don't do you know. I don't have a complicated
relationship with comedy myself. Oh really he does all these voices?
He's great? Is he tough? Well? I mean for a
for a comedy guy. Sure, and he called me out
(25:00):
by name. He said specifically, I'd love to fight Shila
buff Yeah. Wow, hot dogs, hot dogs on a movie set.
Who wants to come on? It's the It's just no
one biting the nowadays. You know, it used to be
you put up a hot dog stand on a movie
said active movie said, people will be lighting up around
(25:20):
the block to get a bite of these sucking meat tubes.
But not anymore. Nowadays it's just people walking on by,
going to the salads, walking on by, going to the gelato.
Nobody wants an American dog anymore. There's time, it's a
different time. There's different time. Excuse me, producer, producer, you're
(25:42):
the producer of this film, right, yeah? Great? Um, you
know I mean I'm shy. What's up that sale? Slu Listen, Um,
the movie's going great. By the way, I'm really enjoying myself.
I might feeling I'm feeling things I've never felt for it,
you know what I mean. I'm touching this way, I'm
touching that way. Listen. I was wondering if maybe at
(26:06):
least at least free Yeah, no, I'll tell you me
free come on, come on, it's two dollars for a dollar.
It's not just pay the two dollars. Come on, it's
what I how I raised my This one's on me. Yes,
give us, give us two two for four two dogs?
Ya we go put mine in the trash. Listen, so
(26:28):
you're right, just throw that out. Yeah, you both do
him in the trash. No, oh, no, Georgio, we need
a set medic set manic for Papa Georgio. Yeah, so
(26:55):
I don't I like what you're doing. I'm sure you're like,
I'm not doing um now hear me, maicure. I went on,
I have I have the pro service so I can see.
(27:17):
You know. I looked at this actor named Chris Obarado.
Now he's gonna all right. Now, you're telling me that
you want to schedule a fight Shy against some guy
named crisp Aldocado. No, that's crazy, Jerry, that that'd be
a crazy name. Yeah, I know that. Okay, Alvarado, Okay,
(27:40):
And what's the deal with this man? I mean, alright, alright,
I can make this happen. I know you can. That's
why I came to you. I'm I'm thinking, what better
canvas to make art? On than an octagon or get
I think I'm gonna call it art on the octagon,
and I'm gonna use this guy's blood to create some
kind of art. Gone. Oh my god, that's it, Jerry
(28:03):
circle Man, Sir Chris Crisp, crisp Adicado was in the lobby,
and let him know that he can call me Dana White.
All right, yes, sir, yes, sir, all right, Jerry. How
do we know this is the right guy? Because if
I was asking for Chris, trust me, I know that
I got. My job is finding fighters. Okay, have it going?
(28:26):
My name is Chris Barbarado. A good listening to? Listening to? Okay?
I mean I'm a broken deal. I got an opportunity
for us to make a lot of money. All right, money?
Yeah for you? Oh man, I'm just a little boy
(28:46):
named Crisp. I don't even know if I can have money.
My mommy doesn't let me have the coins. I don't
think it's him. I don't think it's gonna happen. Coins
like the coins. Chris chrispa, are you CHRISP? Chris Chris?
How many times I tell you? Don't run away from
me like that? You are gorgeous beautiful man. Okay, more
(29:10):
than just my looks. I know who you are. Holes.
I'm Dana White. Also, Jerry, Hi, nice to meet you. Hi,
I am You're gorgeous. Thank you, sir. When can I
call you Dana White? You can call me Dana White
when you're not my goddamn trainee. Do you understand that? Okay?
(29:31):
I mean yeah, okay, I'm gonna use this blood. I'm
gonna use this blood. Put it on myself. There is
a child president, Chris a virtual eyes. I can't look away,
there's so much blood on his face. Listen, miss, you're gorgeous.
Can I beat up your son in the Arctagon? How
(29:52):
much for art's sake? Well, for for art? Talk to Jerry.
Jerry's got the money for your first fight? She how
about two hundred fifty thousand dollarino? You mean two point
five thousand dollars? MM? I don't know. Chris, how do
(30:14):
you feel about this? Like visits in coins so I
can eat them when we're done, I'll give it a
thumbs up. Okay, Um, just be really gentle on Chris piece.
He's he's unique. I have soft bombs. Hey, Greig, have
you saying this that looks like. I don't know if
it's a type or not, but Chris is fighting Shila Buff.
(30:37):
Chris Alvarado is finding syl a buff. Joey, what's up? Okay,
Kevin Craig, come over here. We're done. Sorry, man, I
didn't I didn't know he was gonna come. I know,
(30:59):
I know, I'm sorry. I tried. Sorry. Is he living here? Yeah,
he's in my spare room for the month, but he's
fucking Christ, dude, this is insane. You told me you
were filled up, you told no one could stay here,
and then you guys are out of peanut butter to sell,
you know, Okay, you guys include you for the month
(31:19):
while you're here. So we're out of peanut butter. Okay,
so what do we do when we're out of peanut butter?
Let you know? Okay, yes, thank you. He has a
fucking Costco card. Just tell him to buy everything in Bolk,
get like a palette peanut butter. Jesus Christ, what the
hell did you told me you were filled up? You
said no one can stay hey? Hey, Patrick, Yeah, you
(31:45):
you guessed on that that that podcast? Right, Yeah, a
couple of times? Sorry, Yeah, you think do you think
that guy could take me that Alvarado guy. What's what's
the pot? What's the pause here? Oh? Nothing. I was
just like, I'm just weighing. I'm I'm digesting with you
asked me, and like, I mean, by the way, by
(32:06):
the way, you're like the best part of that podcast recently.
No no, no, no, no, you kill it of course,
of course sometimes freezes on. I don't know, Okay, then yeah, okay,
I got some stuff I want to run by you,
uh later on since you like me so much, like
I know, I don't want to do because I host
(32:28):
this late night talk show was Barack Obama and you know,
but Chris, I don't know. Uh, he's a hard one
to like putting a putting a putting a square peg,
you know. So am I right? Yeah, yeah, that's true.
I feel like, you know, between you and him, it's
kind of like, you know, is he Mike Tyson and
(32:48):
you're Roy Jones Jr. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yeah
yeah but but where white? Yeah, okay, so do I
you can keep cutting, just cut finished, you can take
a little off the back place. Oh I'm sorry I
went excuse me, I'm sorry. I've also been cutting your
(33:08):
hair too. I've just been doing that. I was just
doing double. So do you get crunchy or smooth? What's
your what's your kind of on that? Crunchy? Yeah, Greg,
get my head out to pick up some peanut butter.
(33:31):
I'm thinking would go smooth, just to check it out.
I just got crunchy. I just got crunchy, Kevin, Okay,
So if I wanted smooth, I should just get get it.
Get it yourself. You have a Costco card? Well, hey, Jake, Uh,
what's your STIs on that? What's your STIs on that?
(33:52):
We make creamy butter sauce here and crunchy butter sauce here.
Don't ask people what their sts is? Sorry, I just
I was hopeful. I don't know. I try to up
my lingo. Less of you is what I'm saying. Less
of you, none of your style, one of the things
you do want to talk about, None of the clothes
you want to wear, none of the women you want
(34:14):
to date, none of the movies you want to watch,
none of the cars you want to drive, none the
homes you want to live in, none of that you
want to breathe, No ste If you could just clarify
what you mean, I just feel like ding ding ding
(34:36):
to the art. I was an Arcticon. Please all rise
for a moment of silence for Papa Georgio. Tragic, tragic silence, silence.
(34:57):
I'm now let the fight begin. At one quarter the
Star of Holes and Honey Boy and the bad Indiana
Jones try a la buff it's both. And the other
quarter a ten year old boy named crisp ab Jaccato.
(35:19):
He's got coins in his mouth. Supposed to be here, honey, honey,
we talked about this. Just getting the ring and do
your thing. I am in the ring. Why do I go?
Why do I have too much vasiline on my face?
It's to make the fists like just swipe off your
favorite fighters. Center the ring. Go ahead and go. Okay, now,
(35:41):
Dana White to start the fight. This should be a
fair fight. Okay. Now, I wanted to go down the
way it's supposed to be. Got a superstar terminator guy
was was the franchise? You were Terminators? And then we
got Daniel Boy who coins his mouth. Not want this clean?
I want this mean, I want this full of green.
And if anybody says in my now you let it go.
Let's say boxing, says UFC. Feet are allowed, pants are allowed,
(36:04):
all right, so let's use it all. So what do
you think it's better when it has a little crunch, right?
I mean the smooth is fine, but when there's also
nuts in there? I mean, can we get at least
(36:25):
get some common ground over this? Yeah? Yeah, sure, So Joey,
what were you saying about that fight it happened? What? Yeah,
Alvarado was in a fight, a UFC fight, Yes, well,
I mean yes, or a ten year old version of
(36:46):
I don't know. Then it was cig You guys got
a salami? Are you serious? Get a salami platter at costco?
I brought a tube of salami over. I don't know
why I am going to eat salami out of a
tube again. It's fine. You just roll up the box
and then you roll up the back. He Patrick, Yeah,
(37:09):
how bad was that? Man? That was pretty bad? Like
that kid, You didn't even pause this time. You didn't
even pause. You You just had an answer for me
this time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no pause. Um he sucked
up pretty Yeah. I just cut the last piece of
hair off your head too. I've kind of been sorry.
(37:31):
Should should have win. It wasn't looking at good on. Yeah,
Hey Patrick, Yeah, got you? Got your I got it,
I got everybody. I don't you wanted to get your
ass kicked by a ten year old got you? Oh?
How does that feel? How does that feel to be
(37:51):
a part of an experiment larger than yourself? I mean,
I don't know how it was affecting. Watch do you
feel that? Hey? Everybody gets what? I'm not a ten
year old boy. I'm Chris Alvarado, That's right. Um, I'm
(38:12):
a I love improv I love I love saying yes
and where. I love establishing characters. I love responding. I
love um, yes, yes, everybody. Chris, Chris, we we had
a conversation about this. We knew what you were gonna do.
(38:35):
I trusted that he could play Crisp. He had you
all fooled. Hey, got you because remember Crisp mother one? Yeah?
Does that familiar? Oh my god, Chris, were you in
on this? I know I thought that he was actually
(38:57):
my mom. Holy the humble Butler's actually dude to White.
There's no data Data, there was no Butler where, Yes, sir,
that character got cut you fers. Data White's hitting me.
(39:20):
I see you, Data White, I see you. Yes, I
said your name, and that character was played by me,
Craig Kikowski. Wow Wow, and that scene too, What has happened?
C three? Where are you? Here? We go? Pict b
(39:42):
I P Chris A k A Crispy A. I look
at hello who wrote Hello Kevin? For the sake of brevity,
You're all awesome and my scene suggestion is a vape shop.
Please keep doing what you're doing some of the UK
Patreon member Crispy A. I mean, what kind of rig
(40:03):
do you want? I don't know. Oh, I'll just wait. Yeah,
I'm not helping you, sir. All right, So her first,
who's first? How did this? She's first? Okay, take a ticket.
I was looking for um like I usually smoke like
Marbororo red. So if you have that, yeah, you just
want to like pure nicotine? Yeah alright cool. So what
(40:27):
you want to do? I mean your this is your
first vape thing, so I don't want to get you
on too crazy of a rig. I do I do have?
I have Alien Snot that's a brand that just just
stuff like the craziest electronic fingerprint l E D DNA
sampling on in the whole line. But what I'll introduce
you to you right now. This is a vortex, buttle,
(40:50):
and what does it want to do? This is okay?
So yeah, ding ding dinging. It's about sounds. It sounds broken.
I'm sorry, I don't know a lot about that one sounds.
That's how you know. It was like a loose gasket
or something. That's it carefull smoke coming off of the
(41:16):
but yeah, buttle, it's really simple. Using cree two. It
is seventy five bucks gassing one. Uh and yeaheah, sure, yeah,
here's my credit card. Thank you. Looks good to me.
All right, see you later. Thank you. Oh sorry you
didn't run it or anything, you just looked at it. Okay,
all right, thank you, thank you? Ding? Next, can I
(41:40):
get service now? Yes? Yeah, number fourteen? Let me Raspberry
peach please number four? Are you fourteen? Buddy? Are you
just calling? Sure? I'm fourteen? Oh? We gotta get tickets,
all right? Raspberry what Raspberry peach? Fo a piece of ship?
(42:02):
Here you go? There you go? Thanks man? Next? Can
I here? I have it? Right? I? Can I help you?
I want some edible jummies jummies? Yeah, totally totally, and
you want those nicotine uh, seventy you have seventy five percent.
(42:27):
I mean I got the lows I got right now
is ninety two? Okay, I'll do that. Do you hear me?
Just letting it go? Yeah, which it's interrupting. Okay, can
you we got an orter in the back. Do you
want me unloading your truck? No? I think this guy
will do it. Hey dude, you work here? Now? Oh
(42:48):
all right? Uh follow me. We got unload the truck. Okay,
I was okay, can I get some chocolate or yeah?
You're talking to you man? You were right? Yeah, babe,
where the hell were you? I'm like over here, jones ng.
(43:09):
I need a jummy good news. Somebody's got a job me.
I'm somebody. You're you're a lawyer. You have done a
second job. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Give me a jumpy me. Right, it's what Yeah, that's
(43:31):
the loss they had. I'm sorry, I'm sarry hear me.
Don't don't. You're gonna get it. You're gonna give it me. Yeah, sorry, um, yeah,
(43:52):
take it. Okay. So you're so you have another job? Yes,
I work at a babe shop now, oh my god.
All right now listen, we ought to make sure that
you gotta make sure that the commenced peas they understand
they're right. Okay, now what they've been Tyler? Huh yeah, Tyler,
were you just sleeping? Yeah? He was that don't yeah
(44:15):
he I think that one is out on the other
side of the window. But this is a sky scraper.
What the heck was that noise? Yeah, I'm telling you,
I hear it. It's behind right outside the window. Asshole. Okay, Sarah, Okay, sir.
(44:35):
If you hear it, then then you hear it. I'm
asking you not. Can you not bring our personal life
into the office, please, because you're like a rude little
dude right now. Alright, So you're asking me to build
you a seventy four skyscraper. Unfortunately, the lowest I can
go with a skyscraper, you know, listen, it means more offices,
(44:56):
more spaces to fail. It's up to you talk me
through the differences. I can't. I got I got another appointment. Unfortunately, Listen.
I was told all my friends say that in ninety
four is the way to go. Well, you're saying you
can't do it ninety four or you can totally do
(45:16):
it seventy four. The lowest I can do is in
ninety four? Do you want to get that phone? But
this is the contractor's phone. This is you want to
pick that up? This is Chris, Chris, it might be here.
You grab Chris. I'm on speaker right, yeah, all right?
So yeah, well I'll get you. Let's go. Who's waiting? Fifteen?
(45:41):
I'll take this phone? Called them? I missed it? Who
was it? Hello? Hey? Hello? Yes, hello? Oh my god,
oh my god? Uh sixteen? Is there a sixteen here? Sixteen? Hey?
What can I do for you? Yeah? I wanted to
(46:02):
get a couple of two by fours and some some
yellow paint, ah, and uh, some trawlers. Oh okay, how
many of those it you want? One? Seven? You? One? Okay?
There you are. You have a good day. Thanks man,
(46:24):
It's it's me again. Do I have to take a number?
We were just talking a couple of minutes ago. So
is this mostly a retail shop? Because I know I
did want a skyscraper built? What you mean you sold
the vapor? The vape holds in itself an ancient being
and entity of a noble power. What do you mean
(46:47):
you just gave it away? New? So? What? So? What
if you're new that's clearly an ancient section of the
vay shop. Just look, it's older would call webs and such.
I see, I see. But like the one of the guys,
he just looked at a credit card and let the
(47:07):
person leave with the products. So I thought, like, that's
the business brand he did? What he just did? I
did I make a noopsie. No, you didn't get anyone
in trouble. You just told me something that was he's
stealing steally your honor. I obviously I am not qualified
(47:27):
to speak anymore, so I will let my attorney take
it from here. Yeah, do you want to go? Do
you want to go? Or you should? If one of
your attornies could step forward and speak at this time,
I don't think that would be Tyler Tyler Tyler you go,
you go? Tyler? Yeah, you go, Tyler, Tyler go, Tyler go,
(47:51):
someone go? Or I'm callares, come on, Tyler Tyler Taylor, Taylor, Madam,
I stopped kissing me your honor and ladies and well
(48:12):
everybody of the jury. Um, he smells like jummies. My clients.
Is uh such a client, I mean man? And you
know that accused of or just accusations and what is
an accusation, but he looks tired. Good people are shut summation. Uh, counselor,
(48:39):
can you ask a couple of questions for me? Please? Yeah,
where did you attend law school? Oh? Yeah, I attended
law school at May. I guess May, I guess where
you attended law school. There is house of law you know. Yeah?
(49:03):
This house is so great? Uh, wood paneling. All right?
So you have a receipt here for skyscraper. You can't.
It's been thirty days, so I can't. I can't. I
can't exchange that for you. You told me you would
build a Yeah, and I got a seventy four, which
is what I had asked for in the first place,
(49:25):
but was not what you had promised. Look, it's been
past thirty days. You can see in the receipt here.
I can give you store credit. I can give you
a sixty four. Um, I can give you, uh, pretty much.
Any of this yellow paint here is ready to go. Uh.
Do you vape? I do vape as a great vape
store right next store to here. You can. All I
(49:47):
know is I have a skyscraper that I can't use this.
I don't know what to say, man, I don't know
what to say, like, I don't have time to go
through all the fine print. H It's just a see.
Oh my god, Dad, I don't want your stupid ship.
You can't return to the store for my birthday. What
(50:08):
am I going to do with the nine ft skyscraper
for my eighteenth birthday? I don't want this, dad. Look,
you'll take my handy downs and you'll like them handy downs.
I gave you why me and asked me for a
freaking birthday list. If you're just gonna give me old skyscrapers,
(50:28):
this is This is classic you. Every time there's a
guy damn birthday, you just suck it up. You know what.
I'm so sorry, honey. Five years ago, Maureen, I wanted
like a book. I wanted like a funny mug. I
wanted like a blanket, and you got me a bucking
ninety more on sabies. Do you even listen to her?
Do you even listen to her? It's the handiest of downs,
(50:51):
shut dad, you. I wish I was never born. Did
somebody make a wish my vape? Oh my god, a
gin a gin came out of that bag? Kid? Oh
my god, wish master. We remember I've always seen two
and three. Now I heard a wish Yeah born, I
(51:18):
want to never be well. This one is so well
spoken you won't need to wish for him to clean
up his voice. Oh my god, where god curly she is?
She is partially an a inside of you and spur
instead of you, sir. Okay, so she wished she was
(51:41):
never born, but still we remember her somehow. Classic wish master.
There's always a catch. There's always a catch, Mr Craven.
We appreciate you coming in, and we understand you got
a new film idea. I can't wait to hear it.
I just wanted to bring you up to speed a
(52:02):
little bit. We're looking to mix things up a little
at the studio. We'd like to bring in some pictures
that a little more believably relatable to uh, to today's society.
So if you're could bring that out in one of
your pictures, that would be fantastic. What do you got
for us today? I noticed you called me Mr Craven,
which is uh, you may have the wrong guy. Like
(52:24):
I was hoping everything would be totally centered and um
that there would be a lot of eccentric characters. I
have Bill Murray already lined up. Uh my god, what
a beautiful thing. At least not free that two dollars.
And I do have to attend Papa Georgio's memorial service
(52:46):
as that. I know the lot is shutting down for
for that. So yeah, of course, of course. So what's
the new idea you have for us today with the
Bill Murray attached? Okay, well, it's it's centers around an
eleven and a half year old who is a child genius,
part of a family of geniuses. They're all very eccentric,
(53:07):
and there's there's mice that talk, and there's a there's
an immaculate gramophone record in the background. There's gonna be
subtitle to explain exactly what that is. What the kids
four that's maybe a little too old. I just think
eleven and a half is the perfect age. And then
(53:29):
we're gonna play a lot of British Invasion music from
the sixties and maybe some Charlie Brown Christmas stuff. Ok again,
everything's gonna be totally centered, right, with lots of helpful subtitles. Uh,
I just want my money back. I saw that West
Craven movie. It was super weird. I don't I think
it was Wes Anderson. I don't even think it was craven.
(53:52):
It wasn't scary. Got you, got you, you're shy. You
work at the movie theater. Surprise, the movie is still continuing.
You're now in it. Look behind you, You're perfectly centered
frame that you can run, run a long, long distance
behind you and you'll still be in the shot. Uh.
(54:15):
I don't want to do this. I just want my money.
I just want my money back for the for the movie.
I that's what what half all? Right? Hey? Good, good shot,
good good good take there, dude, Yeah, thank you. You
want a hot dog? I'm fine. I'm filled up with
(54:40):
hot dogs. I'm filled up with the dogs. M m,
well you've got meet up by a ten year old,
so yeah, but if it ended up being uh, in
our installation, a grown man dressed as a ten year old,
you guys, touch you up. Just you're a little shiny. Wait,
(55:04):
why do you have scissors? Huh? Head? I cut all
of your hair, but just mostly in the middle, and
I left the spots. I cut a reverse mohawk. Okay,
and for you just a little just a little powder
on the nose. You just have to breathe in really
(55:29):
quick now through your nose. You just give me one
he yes, okay, and that's it. Uh, Mrs Murphy, can
we talk about my grade? Yeah? What's going on? Well,
you gave me a B, which kind of lowers my
g p A he can suck my toe? Okay, who
(55:50):
said that? Oh God, damn it? Hey, get my hunting
knife from my death. Okay, I got your hunting knife.
I have your crossbow. Leave the crossbow. Damn it. We're
to do this personally, you understand. I hope you got
diarya so, but why are they still insulting you? They
should know better. At this point they have to learn listen,
(56:11):
we need to eat their hearts. Understand. I can't do
that anymore. Mrs Murphy, you have so much potential. I
help you murder several people. You give me a B. Now, Ralph,
I'm glad you're in my office as your counselor. Um.
Two things I want to talk about. One, it's obvious
you've been helping murder your classmates, but that's not going
(56:32):
to keep you from Harvard. This be is well, I'm
in eighth grade. I mean, surely there's time to remedy.
You think so? You would think so? Now The only
way I see you getting in a is if you
found the gin and asked me for it. Oh. Just
the other day, I went to a party and found
(56:53):
a gin, and I asked for the wrong ship. There
are more than one jin's they're there's several gin. There's
several gin. I well, anyway, I gotta get go. Where's
the first principal paramore? She's right next door. Why don't
(57:13):
you go wrap on her door? Oh, she's listening to
the Hailey Williams solo album. Hey, Kurt, I just saw
you over at the principal's office giving some advice to
some kids. I appreciate that thing. That's really that's really cool.
It's my job, counselor counts counselor. Counselor said, Cancelor, you
(57:44):
got those yummies? Yeah, bye bye. Here I go. Oh,
I got ship and as if sent by the God,
(58:05):
that's our show today. We did end on. I gotta ship.
Oh so good. Um. Let's thank all of our alchemists,
starting with the great and new bestie Patrick Rowland. Thanks, guys.
I hope you had fun. I did. I always have
fun doing this. He loved having you in the asylum
(58:28):
with us. Great to be back. Tell us about this,
uh Barack Obama talk show? Uh so, um I am.
I played Barack Obama and in my world, Netflix gave
him a deal and he also wait my talk show
and he has guests on there, and there's stand ups
and uh, he just has a really good time, you know,
(58:50):
just running a talk show. So great. Where can folks
sign it? Uh? You find out on I'm gonna stay
in his voice? Now what's our comedy dot com? I
believe there is a show coming up towards the end
of August, so looking up on the Google's Thank you
Mr President, very well, please come back, Mr President and
(59:12):
Patrick Caroline Cotter, thank you so much for joining the fun.
Thanks for having me. What is the item you wish
you had in the kitchen today? Um? An item maybe
(59:33):
like uh like a nice like a nice bowl, A
nice bowl? Yeah, made out of metal? Perfect? You got that,
Craig got it? Okay, Thanks Joey great, Thank you so
much for being here. It was all right, Thanks Pal.
(59:58):
I need to take one moment for clarification, please last episode. Yes,
I was trying to say, if you were listening to
Good Night Like, if you were bored, stop dud it stuck.
And then I didn't mean if you were listening to
it and got bored of, you meant because I got
I got a big laugh. I didn't understand why. And
(01:00:20):
then our producer, Doug Babe was like, good one. And
then I was like, oh, that wasn't my intention. I mean,
when you're bored, you pop on an album, and while
the album is playing, you can go to Chris dash
Operado dot com. That's www dot Chris No not Yeah,
thank you for that, Chris, You are loved more than
you know. Craig at Cowski. Yes, if you're looking for
(01:00:44):
a verb, that means go together with your looking for jibe.
J I b not give. Things don't jive together. They
jib together. Though I know it's a losing battle. I've
even seen it in the New Yorker as jive but
it's wrong. Oh. I so love the corrections. It's my
favorite part of the show. Is that wrong? No? Alright,
(01:01:05):
right to the podcast. Please your name here tlcom dot com.
Let's thank our producer and engineered the stars, Mr Doug Bane.
Fine folks and I heart media. Fump bump fump bump bum.
Be kind to each other. Please wear a mask and
be careful. We will return to our lives at some point.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollic, until next time.
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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