May 21, 2019 • 50 mins
At a Day Care for genius little ones, a plan is afoot to escape… In a small town populated with Non-Intellectual Property Anthropomorphic Puppets (NOT MUPPETS), two lawyers attempt to handle their legal needs… A baseball team has a new mascot, and it’s so off-putting that the fans are none too pleased
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back another episode of Alchemy. This I'm yours, Kevin
Ball guest that Kevin? What's that? Yes, we are, Thanks.
The lady will have the serpent er and I'll have
the chef special of get the hell away from the table. Thanks,
but I digress. I'm so very happy to welcome you
all to another episode Alchemy. There. Now, let's meet today's Alchemist,
shall we? In no particular order, please say hello to
(00:25):
Christol Varado. Oh, Chris, Uh, why do birds suddenly appear
every time you're near? Oh? My gosh, I don't know.
That's just a lovely idea though, right, thank you? Sure?
Hi ho it's James Heeney django to chains. What was
the last time you tried to set the night on fire? Uh?
(00:47):
Fourth of July? That I was on the beach and
it was fine. There's no reason for laws to have
no fireworks on the beach. No reason for laws, is
my takeaway. Whoa, my, there's Vanessa Raglan Vaniche If not
Joey Greer than who Oh it's a great question, I guess.
Just throw myself into the ocean. Look to the east,
because that's where Mark Gagliardi rises from marcam if you
(01:11):
got him? What age were you or will you be
when you cut off friends from a ride of the airport?
I'm probably gonna do. My birthday is next week, so
uh okay, perfect, Happy birthday, Thank you not to your
friends apparently. And last, but may you only eat pancakes
without a drop of syrup this day forward. If you
(01:31):
think him least, it's Joey Grim Jojo the Monkey for
seven eight dollars. How many bananas could you fit in
your mouth? Are we talking plantain style of a big
like huge bananas? Okay? Okay, um, I guess I could do.
Let's do? Uh uh I'm Eric South, I'm yeah, that's correct.
(01:55):
That's correct. Answering Chris, thank you for helping one. Now.
All of today's scene suggestions are gathered from our listener mails.
If you'd like to submit yours, please write to the
podcast at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
Our first scene, in fact, comes from Wade Adams, who wrote, Hey, Alchemists,
loved the show by far my favorite podcast, which is
a great achievement as I subscribe to exactly fifty nine others,
(02:19):
so we're sixty and yet his favorite. Let's cut the
chit chat though, sorry my bad, as you all probably
I work driving a garbage truck around the city picking
up recycling in blue bags all day. I thought it
would be a great idea if you did a scene
that has absolutely nothing to do with my job. But instead,
you're all very young children at a daycare who are
(02:40):
all geniuses. They believe that each day they're dropped off
there by their parents who are imprisoning them, so they
band together to make an escape to freedom. Uh all right,
thank you, Wade Adams. Keep up the amazing work, he says.
Excuse me, you're gonna finish that patient? Yeah, the one
I finish. The basic I'm just the ones to paste
(03:02):
is put on the construction paper. I can put another
piece of paper on there as a sandwich. Boys, boys,
I said it was nap time, okay, clothes, this is
quiet time. Okay, it's kind of quiet time. Is that
a nap time? I'm sorry to interject, but some of
us developmentally don't need a nap right now. Bodies can
tell us when they need a nap, not a stigula.
(03:23):
It's not because you need a nap. Okay, oh you
need a nap. I'm going to be in that I'm
going to be in the teachers mean, all right, why
don't you know what you're in charge? While I'm gone? Okay,
all right? Did you notice that? Do you notice how
the older people didn't? Did you hear the teacher? I did?
I thought this was a collective. I thought that I'm
(03:46):
in charge. Well he's got let me see that paste.
What are you doing it? Don't stupid sleep stars in town? Um,
this is just like the Stanford Project. River, wake up.
I'm trying to sleep River and stand up. Everybody gets
(04:10):
just like anybody else. For myself, we all understand what's
really going on here? What's really going on here? Geane?
Your diapers falling down? Teller? Tim Teller, Tim teller, Tim. Yeah, Tim,
tell me we're collective. To remember we're collective. Yeah, I
real excited to hear what Tim has to say. We
have to keep standing at the wall. Yeah, it's probably best.
(04:33):
Our parents are dropping us off here for some type
of brainwashing or something. They're trying to keep us down.
They don't want us to learn more than we can learn.
When you're not being you're scaring me, Tiffany. You're scaring
me Tim because you're sounding simple. I think tim sink.
We're being indoctrinated into something and you acting like a
tyrant doesn't help. I'm trying to into the good stuff together. Okay,
(05:00):
raise their hands. If your three, I'm coming off the wall,
Go ahead, nobody. If you're four, residence of your two.
We got a big eight spreading here. That's gonna make
things interesting. Listen, we had impulse control issues, right, who's
been there? Yeah, what I'm saying is, why do we
(05:24):
have to control him? Are you talking about a headenistic society?
I don't know if I'm I'm talking about adenistic society. Okay,
don't jump to conclusion. I'm talking about this classroom could
be a lot more fun. Well, then you're talking about anarchy,
and you're talking about any anarchy chaos. I'm talking about
this one classroom. But clearly we need to give it
some Yeah, why do we need to give everything a name?
(05:46):
That's so simple minded? We identified then we're all clear
of like what it is, and the definition just helps us. All.
That's not a name, that's a definition. So why don't
we just call this place church? I like that a church?
Church the church? Okay, let's call this place church. I
go to church. I'm so I'm this with my family problem.
It's going to mix up with everything. This is more
like church's chicken. Yeah. Can we call it church's chicken
(06:09):
because church is chicken? What doesn't it philosophically? He does, Yeah,
but the church is chicken. Well, I think it's seeing
that you're scared to what I'm saying. When we go,
I mean, we tucked in it up here. Be extra
(06:30):
good by this standards. Okay, Okay, it's gonna be really good. Yeah.
I love you bush, our teeth, our teeth. We'll go party,
but one class of water. Okay, what is this leading to? Yeah?
What do we do? Daling? Good night? Okay, I'm going
to see you in the morning. Okay, Okay, I love you.
(06:53):
I love you. Wow. You said it first, and I
did my ABC's and I said a prayer. Wow, really
by yourself? Yes, that's he doing in there. Tilan just
said his ABC's and he said his prayer. I'm all right,
just um, something at work, all right, Tiffany, it's time
(07:16):
for bad. I don't want to hear another word. I
won't say another except can I say three words? Here
we go? I love you? Oh, Tiffany, I gotta tell you,
I've been waiting a long time to hear those words.
Your mom used to say those words before she left
(07:37):
me for your uncle. I talk again. Yeah, baby, Yeah,
I love you so much. You do so much for me.
You've given me the scaffing to be ald a good life,
and I hope wing you'll be in my life for
a long long time. Hey, hey, son, son, So get
(08:03):
down off that wall, all right, Okay, Okay, I was
just trying to climb up to the book. Yeah, no,
I I see I climbing up to the books I
was going to read before I went to that. Wait,
you two, I'm really good at reading, Daddy, you learned
how to Wow, that's it's really impressive. Thank you, Sorr.
(08:24):
I've been so mean to you your whole life. It's
only been a couple of years. And he's and you're funny.
Oh you know what getting bad, Kiddoh let me let
me tuck you in and I'll grab whichever book you want. Okay, Okay, Henry,
there's something wrong with river. Okay. I walked into his
room and he had a collection of pamphlets. Yeah, and
(08:45):
they seemed to be well. They seem to be nefarious
and content. Okay, that's all I'm gonna say. Let me
shut his door first. Good night. Look, I've seen him
climbing on walls, talking in tongues or whatever he's doing.
I don't know, but it's freaking me out. Look it's
just honey, don't worry. It's just he's he's a smart kid.
He's a bright kid. He's going to that special school
for all the bright kids. I don't know what's going
on the book. I bought a knife and I coated
(09:05):
in poison. Okay, just In, Kate, what do you mean, Justin?
This is our son. Hey, Stella, I hate to call
you so late. It's about Tiffany. Ah. Oh sorry, sorry,
get off. Don't just do it again. Don't suck my
toes right now. I'm trying to take the taste. Shut
it up. Okay, keep sucking my toes. Sorry, I called you, babe.
(09:27):
I didn't mean you. I meant him using your brother. Yes,
So I put I put Tiffany to sleep to night,
and she said some pretty pretty incredible things. But as
you know, I stought the motorcycles. That all right, Oh babe,
that's great. Why who are you talking. Your mouth should
be full. That's your brother. Yeah, I still have he
(09:53):
sounds like a unick on the I found some documents, Stella.
I found some documents and Tiffany's backpack documents. They're nefarious. Nefarious, oh, nefarious.
So this doesn't concern you. Okay, good night, Okay, class,
(10:19):
it's naptime again, So Tiffany, you're in charge again. Okay,
I'll be in the teacher's lounge. Take it easy. You
just over to west. You kids have been so good today.
I'm gonna be in the other room smoking. Bye, Tiffany.
I think my parents found out I was caught climbing
the walls for a book earlier. They like that you
(10:41):
just have to say for a book. I think that
they're suspicious that I'm smarter than everybody. Show me what
you got, show me what you got. Like, well, first
of all, I think we should all say a quick
um um blessing chicken this church. Okay. I want to
make sure, because if you don't know that, then you're
not Okay. I have I brought two things. I brought this.
This is a photo album with adult images. Okay, we're listening. Okay, Well,
(11:07):
if you look in there's a lot of grown ups kissing. Okay,
and then I brought this remote controls to nothing. Now okay, next,
that's a bunch of bowl Listen. What we need as jewels,
What we need is stuff that we can use as weapons.
What we need is someone to be digging a hole.
(11:27):
I got. I got a bag of unused water grenades. Yeah,
their web you said, give weapons is water balloons. It's
not gonna hurt anyone. Are we going to hurt people? No,
it's not going to hurt anyone. I brought this. I
brought this collection of cut code knives. It's missing one,
(11:50):
but otherwise it's a very useful collection, is what I'm
talking about. Bad cut it. They can cut a penny
in half. This is the weather. Go why do we
need to cut? Know that to you? Old amongst us
would be the hero. I don't know where I put
the other one. There's just one missing. I found forty one.
Ninja throwing stars, Nina stars, damn metal. I think their metal.
(12:14):
Look well, Okay, we're getting closer. I brought a whole
tank of snapping turtles and dangerous Oh no, no, no,
I like this. Listen. So that's now what we have
to decide how that we're working together a job. Everybody
know the parents are fleeced. Chicken, this church. Ch choose
our first victim. I'll do it. Wait, do what? Yeah?
(12:37):
What a victim like them? Just like a person that
we want to get and then we'll have their stuff
after we get that. The teacher, it's the obvious choices.
Mr Swortson, Sortson's poor. He's a teacher. Yeah. Also he
lets us get away with stuff. Should we want to
keep him as a pass white if we don't have
as this one thing, we don't have a meeting time, Guys,
I don't I don't want to sound like a naysayer here,
(12:58):
but I thought we were all about breating ourselves from
whatever our parents are indoctrinating us into, not following a
totalitarian leader into the into the You are coming on
an interesting thing. I feel like the group's turning against me,
and I think we put it to a vote. The
votes don't count, all right, Tiffany, If youson, but we
(13:20):
don't agree with his authority to story, he'll be fun
or not? Alright, sweetheart, I know you had a weird
day at school today. I heard there was an accident
with a horrible accident, and I'm never going to go
to sleep. I'm so scary. No, you don't have to
(13:41):
be scary. You're safe here, you're safe here. I love you.
Oh you want to hug you wove daddy. It's been
a second mom Still we left over, so sure you
want to wear some of your stots. I want to
feel closer to mommy. I understand that. I understand. Actually,
(14:02):
right here, here's her jewel box, sweetheart. Okay, well I'll
leave that here and you take what you want. Okay, Oh, daddy,
I hope you take what you want from life. From life. Yeah,
it's good night. Let me get you another one, buddy.
She had a long day. Oh yeah, Yeah, that's the kid.
(14:25):
You know, she's doing great? Kids? You got kids? Yeah? Nice?
Uh they're dumb as bricks. Yeah, I used to think that.
I used to think that. Uh, but I think that
school is doing uh something good for her. Where do
you kids go to school? My kids their home school?
Oh yeah, I thought about that, but then the mrs left.
I take mine over to that special school. That's free
(14:47):
thinking school. Magnet Star, Yeah, magnet Star. Yeah, she seems
to be liking it. That's great man, your whole demeanors
change this want for the better. Yeah, it looks it.
You know. You know, my my little girl gave me
a hug around the neck to tonight and I didn't
even have to ask her for it. Do you normally
ask your kids for hugs? I do, and she usually
(15:09):
denies me, And tonight she just gave me one. And
I think I'm really I think I'm getting through to her.
That's great, that's that's great. You got any uh, you've
got any good good blowback there? Cocaine? Yeah, yeah, so
to my p hole. Also, it's like that I'm from.
That's not what I was asking. What's not what I
(15:30):
was asking? What's going on? Guys? I just got sexual harass.
Oh my god, that's not this story here. You know me,
You guys know me. Did you just sexually assault him?
Did you say you know what? At this point, I'm
too scared to even mention get out what you're having
(15:52):
at the time, he's terrified. I'll just leave. Just got cocaine.
I'm just leaving. I'm leaving now. Okay, Okay, it was
nuts on, it was crazy. It's crazy. I can't believe
you did that to you so weird. Oh, honey, is
(16:13):
your okay? No? No, I've been uh using it as
a prison pocket for a while, and uh, it just
kind of expand my wreathrough. I can't really hope you
or anything in there. It looks like it's frowning. Okay, kids,
it's naptime again, so I'm gonna be going into the
teacher sounds Tiffany, you're in charge again. I'm so sorry
to hear about what happened to your dad. Oh it's okay,
I'll get over. And we're such a good kid. All
(16:35):
of you could take a lesson from Tiffany. And I'm
shutting the door. Church's chicken, Chicken, Chicken. Anybody else wanna
turn against me? Did you do to your daddy? What
did I do to my daddy? What did you do
to your dad? You know what's interesting? My daddy did
it to his damn self. Oh yeah, I didn't have
(16:59):
to do that. But was it a part of your
long plan or was it just it was just a
happy accident. My dad got caught es sexually assaulting someone.
So what exectually happened to him? I don't know. But
it's not home anymore. Who's watching you. Hostella is on
a way. That's my mom, Like, how long is it
gonna take her to get there? I don't know if
(17:20):
she one's on her own time. I don't know my parents.
My questions. Turtles are hungry. They ate a whole child
just yesterday. Do you want us to do something about River? No?
Don't do anything, please you? Hey? I like this attitude,
wasn't I've been on your side, Tiffany since day one?
(17:41):
I have I stood on a wall, I did everything
and said don't. Don't do you ever think maybe Rivers
reading so many books so he could be smarter than you?
Has everyone been hiding the pamphlets? I have a question
for you. Are you Satan's child? Satan's child? Yeah, came
from the devil's penis. Oh God, not for them, tells
(18:02):
penis no, okay, because you're acting like a satan child
in an idyllic society here. I have the pamphlets. I
think we need to make sure everyone has gets them
every play day, every park. That's why anybody asked you
what you do and say, I don't know, chewing paper
and putting your mouth and chew it. Okay, I know
(18:24):
we all just learned how to read that. Maybe I'm
not doing it right. But these pamphlets, these are just church,
just chicken menus. I don't know what they are. I
got them. I got them for my dad. Can I
just these kids are extremely fun up? Oh my god,
there are future Find that school and remove it. This
(18:49):
next suggestion is from Ken, who are hello comes, I'm
a huge fan. I've got an idea for a scene.
Two lawyers are running a free clinic in a town
populated by muppets or similar non intellectual property anthropomorphic puppets
and struggle to understand and connect with their phone based clients.
On a serious note, in the years since I left
the military, it's been difficult to find a laugh. Your
(19:10):
podcast has had me laughing more than anything else. I
really appreciate it. Thanks Ken, and thank you for your service. Ken,
thank you very much, and for that scene suggestion we've
taken out of the free clinic. Uh, Gloria, who's next? Um?
I can't read this name? Yeah, send a horseman, please
(19:34):
come on in, horseman, horsemen, what what can I do
for you today? It's just the problems with legal payments.
Legal payments, all right, Well, we have a job. Horsemen
are you getting any assistance from the government, horseman, Well,
I think we could help you procure some assistance. Get
(19:57):
that Form seven. Well, haven't fill out form Form seven
and will help you immediately see that? Just the hoof? Well,
I guess we'll fill it out for you. Pardon me,
I think he's saying, thank you. Oh you're welcome horsemen. Horsemen,
don't forget to have a little feed on the way
(20:18):
out on a couple of carrots. How are you keeping
your cool? Dan? There's no way other way to get
through every day? Oh my god, my turn yet sending
hood Come in, Mr hood Hoodie. How are you today?
Oh well, I'm back, same prolapse, different day. A good point.
(20:42):
What can we do for you today? It's the same thing.
It's the same thing. Legal custody, Yeah, yeah, legal custody. Right,
we had this conversation. It's difficult for you to get
custody over your children when your wife is uh, what
do they call them uprights? Human being? Human? We can
say human being, okay, yeah. The judge was very clear
(21:03):
about not giving to the rights of custody to yourself
because of what I am, because she's an upright, that's right, Yes, yeah,
it just it sounds unfair handling up. I don't know
if he's crying or laughing. No one ever knows. Well,
(21:24):
I think what we'd advise you to do is keep
up with your visitation. How's work going? It's fun, right,
I mean children's television workshop doesn't have a ton of money,
but it's enough for one to get by, right, which
is all you have to worry about now. So there's that.
Why am I going to a clinic for legal advice? Okay? Uprights?
(21:47):
It's been brought to my attention that people here in
this room, in our community have been helping the others.
I don't know. I don't know the others that dirty
and gross and made a felt good. Bobby over here, Bobby, Bobby,
what do you think, Bobby? Talk Bobby, Bobby, you can't
(22:11):
talk ship. It was one of them others the whole time,
the whole time. Tell me they infiltrated here? Yeah, they did,
they get in That's what I'm saying. Someone here's week
I was dating Bobby? What you were You didn't even
know you were dating? Upright? And others. She's an upright
(22:40):
who's got a little fluff in that. I don't like
that either, Stan. How about we go we read the
minutes from last week's meeting. Yeah, I always seem to
do that, did you? Did you blow talch the minutes
from last week's meeting? Yeah? You got it, all right?
You gotta get rid of what, don't you think? Responsibility
for your job? Man? You know what I mean? Like?
What do you you struck a responsive? You don't turn
(23:00):
on me? Okay, I'm over here on you. We voted
for you for your position. All gotta work together. I
didn't mean to interrupt the lawyers. Guys. I really need
some legal advice, but I need confidentiality. Yeah, sure of course,
just sign here. Okay, all right, now we're legally hired.
(23:22):
What can do for it? Simple? I thought I was
supposed to give a dollar for a retainer or something
like that. Yeah, okay, I'm being blackmailed by upright in
one way. Well, everything I do is basically strung along. Wait,
are you a puppet? I'm sorry, I don't know what
we're supposed to Maryette? You strings? I'm so sorry, sir.
(23:46):
I'm so sorry, sir. Your your voice is just so grounded.
It's so easy to communicate with you it's a compliment.
It's I'm sorry, I Hi, who's phone the strings around here? Huh,
that's not funny, it's a little I'm being blackmailed, literally
by an upright. What are they forcing you to do? Well,
they're forcing me to They can't force him, right, they can?
(24:09):
Oh they can. What do they get? What form a
blackmail we're talking about? Well? I was I was sleeping
with a with an upright, sleeping with like napping, I
was having sex with an upright keep talking, well, get
all the way naked and in bed all the year.
Clothes appear to be painted on. Well, that was a
(24:30):
little bit of rubbing alcohol. It takes a lot of work,
but it's worth it. This marionette can go all night long.
She speaking of yourself. That's when I say this, Marionette,
I'm pointing at me, and so the upright? Once? Now
once what? Well? Her dad, her dad wants me to
leave the state. But I've never been to any other
(24:51):
state before. Open your goddamn door, dad, me my clothes on,
my clum the fuck is going on here? Um, I'll
(25:14):
tangled up. It's not what it is. Do you know who?
In this community? I am the leader of the Uprights.
You're not the leader. You take the minutes. Yeah, I know.
You gotta make a living, okay, I know you're you're
an upright You gotta make a living just doing my job.
(25:36):
You can't, you can't. You can't aid this man. I'm
just sex. I don't get off on this man, alright.
I think it's fucking disgusting. But I got a job
to do, all right. If the Upright Union wants to
pay a little more, maybe I would have to do this.
Don't you talk about the Upright Union? All right, here's
whats gonna happen. You aren't ever seeing another other ever again?
(25:57):
And you you better, dad. I don't everyone to beat
a human again. Dad. What the hell? What what did
I do wrong? What did you do wrong? What did
you do right? Oh? Here we go. You never let
me have training wheels. You gotta fly. It's kept falling,
(26:19):
falling and falling, and it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing, frankly, a
man who can control himself or be controlled. And so
you went with this little puppic controlling him, and he's
controlling and that's probably what's really going on here. I
know you're the one who's pulling the strings here on
this Literally it really I follow his heart, you know
(26:41):
what I mean. But he's got a move. Man like
sal If, I could just say, were very pleased with
your string work. Well, what we need you to do
is to go with one of these marionettes into a
child's bedroom, uh, and pull the strings on the marionette
(27:02):
and uh, you know you're like, there's the puppet master.
Yeah right, Okay, that's what you've been training for, right,
So I just need to know that once you're in
a child bedroom, manning as it were, the marionette, if
the father should come in or the mother should come in,
how are you going to handle this? Because you're a man,
a phote, grown man standing in a corner poems drink.
(27:23):
I'm gonna fucking just add to the hypothetical. All right,
the child is adult age? Yeah, no, sixteen, let's say sixteen.
It's a Mississippi law. Okay, fine, let's say we're Mississippi.
I'm done with Mississippi. I don't mean to interrupt it.
I'm not comfortable unless it's eighteen. If that's okay with you,
all right, we'll make it eight three. You know, it's
just so hard now, you know. And I started training.
(27:44):
This is my family business to be a marionette. And
now with the just the vision between the need to know,
if you're in the room and the father comes in,
you're gonna hold your ship together. Yeah, hey, flip floppy, Yeah,
what is it? Flop flippy? Don't call me that. Here.
(28:06):
You're seeing the same thing I'm seeing, Jeff. You mean
hearts in your eyes? Yeah, I'm falling in love with you.
I'm gonna come straight out and say that. Wait, what
You've been a good other, one of the only others
I trust. More bread sticks? They're unlimited. It says unlimited
on the side, and I don't want to be anyone.
(28:29):
You're right. I'm just saying if the baskets empty, it
means we want more breadsticks. I'm gonna ask every time. Alright, Jeff, Look,
nobody knows you're another. Okay. You do a good job
passing as an upright and you've been a good a
good partner, lover, partnered lover, and a great lover. Jeff,
what is this about? Are you trying to get rid
(28:50):
of me? You're trying to throw me unto robust you
the HT it's unlimited, right, I get as many as
I want. Embarrassing, all right, start with this one? Yeah,
but one more like because I'm just gonna slurp this
one right down, because look how much ice is in this?
Come on, that's all ice? All right? And you, sir,
you had that, Jeff, don't you throw me out on
(29:10):
my ass? I gotta gate rid of you. Don't you
throw me out. I'm like, I couldn't help. But see
under your table there's a pile of bread sticks and
a big puddle of iced tea is one. If you're
not eating, we're eating. He's crazy, he's kiss Can I
just watch you both swallow? I'm not allowed to bring
the food unless I know it's actually being eaten, So
I'm just gonna need a quick swallow test. I'm just
gonna need to make sure you're both a bread stick, swallow,
(29:34):
che chew, swallow, swallow sauce. I ate the whole bread No,
it fell out of his mouth. He was, you're satisfied.
I don't. I'm not. You are I'm not. I'm so sorry.
It seems to be somebissue. Here is everything? Okay? He's
telling me I'm satisfied when I'm not. I'm not satisfied
with the service. I'm not satisfied with my lover and partner.
(29:56):
There seems to be missing under the floor. Is something
we're gonna take what I'm trying to take papers, but
I don't think he can. All right, you know what?
Fine tied tied to this bull show? You winding up
on the floor because I have a giant gaping hole,
am tall and shot. Oh my god, that's right, Oh my,
get out of here. We don't go see what you did. Jeff,
(30:22):
get out of here. I loved you. Get him the
goddamn truck. There's everything out of that bum. What the fuck?
What the let me taste that is? It is? Oh god,
you made a real fucking scene in there. I don't
want to talk about this, okay, jof great, great ship great? Okay,
(30:43):
Well you have to screen that, alright. We know to
pull over if a cop is all right, it looks
like we got help you. You can get some I D.
Driver's license past you don't have a driver's license. You
(31:06):
turn coy back up. Oh yeah, just just because you're
an officer with a badge doesn't mean you're not still
one of us. Hey, let me tell somewhere. Now, bitch,
you talk to my part like that again, I'm gonna
let you up. Hey, Hey, you don't talk to him
that way. You don't talk to me that way. Mundo,
I'm humundo, extraordin narrow. I dott to walk around with
(31:27):
little freaks like that just because he has a badges
to make him a Yeah right, I also got a
gun match, so do I wait? Wait, wait, wait, fellas, fellas, Look,
it looks like we got a lot in common here.
What's your point? We got two sets of partners, one
another one and up right? Yeah? Yeah, you guys want
(31:49):
to trade partners? Who I mean? What's happening? Look, Jeff
seems to be really into the idea of Upright staying
together and others staying together. Ye, so why don't I
go with with this? What? What kind of what kind
of other are you? Anyway? What do you? I can't
even tell. I just got robbed. I was wrong, man,
(32:09):
give us a second, man, ma'am? Is that come? Yeah,
let's come, that's all right, warm, come Look as soon
as that's my come. Look, as soon as you walk
away from me, you just say this, come, officer. I
was robbed, ma'am. Give us a second. Is that really yours?
(32:30):
We're supposed to help people. What were you doing? Oh?
That did not get out of hand, buddy boys, Okay,
it was more fun than I could have asked for him.
And now to Patty in Kansas City for our last scene,
(32:51):
who wrote, Hello there, Alchemy this gang. I'm a huge
fan of the podcast and was elated to learn that
you will now be releasing episodes twice a week. That's right, uh,
Patty from Kansas City Tuesdays and Thursday. Tell everyone you've
ever met. I thank you, she goes on, and all
the people around me, thank you for taking these steps
to make me a happier, nicer person. As baseball fans know,
(33:13):
the season has begun, so I thought the following scenario
might be fun. The baseball team reveals a new mascot,
which winds up being so offensive that fans turned turned
into the game into a protest night. I hope you
like you keep up a good word, Patty from Kansas City. Okay, guys, Uh,
(33:39):
before we take the field, I just wanted to remind
you we got a new mascot and everyone should be
appreciative that. You know, he's gonna inspire the fans. I'm
not bringing my family here anymore. It's uncomfortable. Yeah, we
don't want to talk about this, but this guy, this
new mascot, I don't even want to wear this hat.
This hat is even offensive. And it's not even the
(34:01):
whole mascot, that's only part of him. I just want
to say I didn't design the costume myself. Costom no,
no mast custom. Yeah it is a nut sack. Uh,
But I think we can all have a more positive
attitude about that. You know, we could all like it.
(34:21):
I'm not sure exactly how am I supposed to have
a postive attitude. My wife won't bring the kids to
baseball games. And it's a nut sack. It's a nutsat
every Uh. Not a lot of people have them. He's
nuts for the team, that's the whole nuts. I want
the crowd to be more supportive. You're you're the manager,
But I can't. I can't go with that an a
(34:42):
good conscience play for the nuts X No, it's let's
play balls. I just don't. I don't know why we
had to have veins coming. Is like it wouldn't look
like a nut sack on it looks like maybe just
it could just be a bag of acorns and the
joke could be sex. I don't think we need an
actual scrollure. It's a picture of an owl on the side,
(35:05):
exactly like you're saying, less on the nose, Absolutely less
on the nose. Because Tommy, if I may, you're leading
the team. I'm the general manager, and you should maybe
have a few things to say. Here's what I gotta say.
Mascot or no mascot, mascot, our job here is to
(35:29):
play ball, win games. You no mascot babies. You can
be cry babies. But I got a slugger here who's
set to break a home run record today and he
ain't got no problem with nuts sex. He don't have
(35:51):
a problem with nutsex because he wants to play, because
he gonna get a record today. And for the record,
he doesn't have a family. I got a family because
he's more committed to this sport. You meant my family.
I love that. Okay, what kind of commitment are you
willing to make? Well, I guess I don't know. Be
hard to break up in my family. I'm the general
(36:14):
manager of a minor minor league ball. Well, we're on
our way to be a medium medium. Yeah, maybe we
got glue hair on me? What would that do? Dog hair?
A dog makes you cry, babies happier? Look, run with
the big dogs. Do not want to wear this hat
(36:34):
with a nutsec on it? And where I come from,
if someone puts a nut sec on your head, it's
an insult. Where is that the Dominican? Some people like it,
but it's actually offensive here too. I don't like anybody
likes to be tea bags? All right? Is that true choice?
I'm not a guy. I don't know. Look who's doing
the no talking because he wants to have a home
(36:54):
run record and I think he likes the outfit. Is
that why he's actually enjoying? Slugged Jim? What do you say?
I don't have a nut sack? Oh wait, well, like
here's a man. Although this was a man's team, that
is a man's team. You don't have to have a
nut sack to be a man. It's a penis that
makes him. No, that's also incorrect. Well, mustache, but not
(37:18):
every man has. That's also incorrect. I thought you guys
not had any talks about gender. It's like your Jim,
what makes a man is the record? Home run record.
That's right, Great, so we'll get out there getting a
home run record. We're gonna be wandering around ball sax
on our heads. Well, you could also be chasing your
own record. Everything about that what. I'm a team player.
(37:40):
I don't chase records. I'm an assist guy. I know
it's not basketball, but that's kind of the metaphor them
using yeah, yeah, yeah, No, I understand. When I was
twenty two years old, here we go, Here we go,
I was working on a tractor farm. We're gonna farm.
All these tractors just makes you push them up are
harvest and it was just a hot day, and I thought, now,
(38:05):
let me take off my dungaroos and walk around the
farm a little nude dungaroos, although there were dungarees. What's
the dungaro a little Australia like, it's like kind of
like a snack back. Oh dunk a roo, that's what
would you take off? And I remember seeing the distance
(38:26):
Harvest Horrest, Harrest, Big Sue, which is probably the biggest
tractor that it was that they're seeing most complicated. Not think,
what the hell, let's give her a ride. See if
I can't handle it? Long story short. I found my
way on a yacht cruise. You have some water, Thank
(38:48):
you cruise from a boy. How did you get from
the tractor to the story leap? There's a big leap
in this story. Long story short. That's not a long
story short. That's story. Skip. That's two stories. It's not
the story. That's nothing. There's no stories. There's a separate stories.
I can tell you I was born in the Caribbean,
and then I'm a major league. You were not born
(39:11):
in the Caribbean. It's born in the Caribbean. No way
like a week. Okay, that's the Star's the part of
the story we have to hear. Well, No, it's a
long story. Skip. Oh I lost my nut suck, nut suck?
Where it was the big big Sioux? Wait? Where are
we going looking for it? I think I think it
might have happened on the yacht cruise. There's no way
(39:33):
that it happened. Yeah, went big sue that big tractor.
Why would he take that cruise? Would take cruise off
and then look at a tractor? So there it was
where running board games for this cruise, all the kids
coming to the play area, and I said, all up,
did you have your balls at the time. I did.
(39:54):
Then why did you tell us about the director, because
that's where the story is starting. No, not just where
you started talking, but remotely after death. At that point,
I figured maybe there's something up on the upper decks.
I can get to Were you working the cruise? Cruise?
He's working board? Alright, go ahead, so fucking get to
(40:16):
the story. Hey, Jim cannot take next on the corn hole? Yeah,
of course, And I set those corn holes up pretty good.
Did a cornhole thing? Rip your ballsackle? What is a
cornhole thing? There's a hole in the board, you throw
a bean bag in it. I don't have a ball sack.
Let's hit him out. Look, the flashback was just starting. Okay, Okay,
(40:39):
I don't believe it's hoping. He's not going to gloss
over it. Long story short I was working as a
Disney imagineer. Okay, see that is not sort short way.
Did you still have your story hearing a different job now,
you were an imagineer. That is a competitive field. You
gotta be an engineer. You gotta have a pedigree, you
gotta have records. Did you draw your ball sack off?
(41:01):
What does that mean? We'll get to that right, And
you wouldn't believe who I met? Who did Disney? Disney, Donald,
Tim Cook? What's that girl from? Ryan Seacrest, Ryan Seacrest,
(41:23):
Steve Bus, Shammy, no Oprah my childhood friend? Who Sean?
Do we know Sean? Famous guy? My friend Shaw? Oh?
Just my friends. Did you work on the tractors with him? Oh? No,
you see a tractor farmer? No? No? What was Sean doing? Yeah?
(41:45):
This costume is hot. You were sweating your balls off.
I don't respector get back to Jim's story with him
nut school. Alright, so when was the nuts kime off?
I'm trying to tell the story just to recap. So
(42:05):
you started at attractive farm with harvest season? Who got
their junger roots? Right? Big Sally in the distance. That's right,
big big. We go on a cruise. Cruise children. Corn
Hole takes you up deck. Cornhole. We heard that weird
flashback of that guy asking you for the cornhole pieces
or ever. It wasn't a problem. There was no problem
(42:28):
for you to give him the cornhole become a Disney imagineer.
You see your friends, Shawn, of all people hired right
off the yacht. He just took your nuts right off
of You know, at that point, I know what you're thinking.
You don't, I don't think that's possible. Cut your nuts. One.
I wish I wish it was Oh my god, you
wish it was like that. That means it was work. Well, yeah,
(42:50):
I was captaining the black Hawk helicopter. Okay, hold on, okay, alright,
well listen. I would usually stop this, but he's our slugger,
and we've invested a lot in the story. I really
need so talented. He's also taking her mind at the
fact that we are called the nut sacks. Right, you're right,
it doesn't feel as bad anymore. He almost forgotten. Can
(43:10):
I take this hat off? Playballs? Balls? Where were you
black black Hawk helicopter? You're commanded in? I'm going to
fast forward a little bit. But the but the flashback,
it just started. Well, I was here in the may Day,
Jim may Day, May Day. This helicopter is going down
may Day. I had to deliver fourteen children, well on
(43:33):
the helicopter, that's right. How fourteen women or was it
a litter? But the women are not supposed to fly? Well,
I don't know how many people can bed on a
black Hawk? Isn't it small or is that large? Great question?
So at that point in my life, I was making
rope right by Tahiti? Do you still have your ball sack?
(43:53):
At this point of course, we didn't miss it. Is
he a pilot making rope? Or is this a new one?
I think it is a new one. This is a
different life. I was a ropemaker and we were making
ropes for surfboards. Wait a second, are we talking? This
is your laugh and you were living it. This is
my life. I'm trying to shay this story a second.
(44:15):
He's getting a boner. He's got a penis. You can
get without a nut seck, you can get without a nut. Second.
I don't know, but it feels like you could. I'm
the only one that doesn't have one. But I feel
like it's what Wait what do you have? John? I
didn't recognize you're a woman. Oh my hair is back
and I'm not wearing makeup. Can I ask a question?
(44:39):
Can I ask a question? Slugger? How fucking old are you?
You're the slugger on a very minor league baseball team,
but you've had all these lives. It's a really great question.
Funny story. Oh god, wait, no, we want to hear
the ball thing first from the ball. Here's how old
I got started, as long as they can remember. I
(45:00):
thought my birthday was March fourteen nine. Whoa, And then
I got a little knock on the door. Come inside, Hey,
Jim I am, we've come for your nutsack. I wish
it was that easy, boy. Wait, what happened? What happened?
(45:22):
You were faked us out in the story. I was
listening to a flashback. I felt like you were taking
me there, and that was a fake out. But that
flashback was a birthday flashback, not even a nutsack flashback.
It was a birthday telegram that was going to be
on the wrong day. That's what I thought it well,
me too, and then all of a sudden it turned
into a nut nuts You know how many times somebody's
(45:43):
knocked on my door and asked to have my nutsack
and they didn't come in? Can I hear me nuts No? Absolutely,
not only one time. I wish it was that easy.
As much as what you do. So I was in
small town, oh named the tarn. I don't believe it,
(46:04):
crystal Burg. I'm looking at it. Wait, how do you
know it checks out? Did you? He looked me in
the eyes. You couldn't tell all right here Crystal Burgh
for twelve years, twelve years, I helped bring funding from
the government to update the schools, the roads, you name it.
That's a good leader, Shine in light? Did you still
(46:26):
have your ball? Sick? Was this before the black Hawk incident?
And I had an opportunity to so I didn't even
thought about that we might not be here in these chronologically.
My guess is he probably had to do the black
Hawk thing to get mayor. Why don't don't you just
ask him? I guess he's not telling us when we
asked him. Stuff. Try Jim, Jim, how did you lose
your nutsack? And guess what sugger? You're up first one
(46:53):
year old slug and it's gonna go out there and
he's the only one on this team that has twenty
seven going on twenty eight home runs. I'm putting on
my old hat. Fair fine. Hey, so really we never
found out how I think the guy I think we did, Yeah,
you did? You actually did? We heard it? It's it's veiled.
(47:15):
I think it was the ropes into heating there I
got cut. Let's thank our engineer, Doug Babe, our post
sound design artist Raphael Brito, producing Sophie Lichtman, and of
course I heard media. Thank you all for the auspices.
I encourage you all listeners to write a review. It
(47:37):
sure does help out. We'd love to know you're out there,
so write a review. Let folks know about us, tell
everyone you've ever met. Is not a simple ass, but
I made it and right to us at your name
here at alcove this dot com. Let's go around the table.
Joey Graham, thank you so much for being here today, Buddy.
I'm so glad to be back. It's so glad to
be black black and back. Feel better. Thank you, Thank you.
(48:01):
James Cheney. Well, if you're not checking me out at
Jeffy Greeper on Twitter, then you've mistakenly typed in vein
on Twitter. Oh no, it's nicely done. Mark, thanks for
joining us again. It's my pleasure. And where the hell
can folks find you? They can find me on Twitter
at Mark gags or start watching Blood and Treasure this
summer on the CBS network. And that stands for the
(48:25):
broadcast broadcasting system. I assume it still does. I love
that Columbia was involved in television at some point. Yeah,
it's great. But as Raglan he knows the guy Howard thinks.
Thanks are great, too good, right, they're too good. Pinching myself,
pinching myself to the point of blood. You're a giver
(48:47):
a thank you once again for being a Christopher. Thank
you too. Thanks. Yeah, I like this right, yeah, okay
pumping out to the live show. Yes, sure, look up
the next live show when you want to join us again.
We love that you were part of this. It was
(49:08):
such a treat, right yeah, people were there also, Thanks
for holding up the sign that says I eat my
own comb. That was a great time. T shirts Yeah,
that was just too much. It was more than I expect,
was it. Jimmy Jinna T shirt? The nutstack hats? Oh
my god, did not expect that up. Yeah, until next time.
(50:00):
Alo
Welcome back another episode of Alchemy. This I'm yours, Kevin
Ball guest that Kevin? What's that? Yes, we are, Thanks.
The lady will have the serpent er and I'll have
the chef special of get the hell away from the table. Thanks,
but I digress. I'm so very happy to welcome you
all to another episode Alchemy. There. Now, let's meet today's Alchemist,
shall we? In no particular order, please say hello to
(00:25):
Christol Varado. Oh, Chris, Uh, why do birds suddenly appear
every time you're near? Oh? My gosh, I don't know.
That's just a lovely idea though, right, thank you? Sure?
Hi ho it's James Heeney django to chains. What was
the last time you tried to set the night on fire? Uh?
(00:47):
Fourth of July? That I was on the beach and
it was fine. There's no reason for laws to have
no fireworks on the beach. No reason for laws, is
my takeaway. Whoa, my, there's Vanessa Raglan Vaniche If not
Joey Greer than who Oh it's a great question, I guess.
Just throw myself into the ocean. Look to the east,
because that's where Mark Gagliardi rises from marcam if you
(01:11):
got him? What age were you or will you be
when you cut off friends from a ride of the airport?
I'm probably gonna do. My birthday is next week, so
uh okay, perfect, Happy birthday, Thank you not to your
friends apparently. And last, but may you only eat pancakes
without a drop of syrup this day forward. If you
(01:31):
think him least, it's Joey Grim Jojo the Monkey for
seven eight dollars. How many bananas could you fit in
your mouth? Are we talking plantain style of a big
like huge bananas? Okay? Okay, um, I guess I could do.
Let's do? Uh uh I'm Eric South, I'm yeah, that's correct.
(01:55):
That's correct. Answering Chris, thank you for helping one. Now.
All of today's scene suggestions are gathered from our listener mails.
If you'd like to submit yours, please write to the
podcast at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
Our first scene, in fact, comes from Wade Adams, who wrote, Hey, Alchemists,
loved the show by far my favorite podcast, which is
a great achievement as I subscribe to exactly fifty nine others,
(02:19):
so we're sixty and yet his favorite. Let's cut the
chit chat though, sorry my bad, as you all probably
I work driving a garbage truck around the city picking
up recycling in blue bags all day. I thought it
would be a great idea if you did a scene
that has absolutely nothing to do with my job. But instead,
you're all very young children at a daycare who are
(02:40):
all geniuses. They believe that each day they're dropped off
there by their parents who are imprisoning them, so they
band together to make an escape to freedom. Uh all right,
thank you, Wade Adams. Keep up the amazing work, he says.
Excuse me, you're gonna finish that patient? Yeah, the one
I finish. The basic I'm just the ones to paste
(03:02):
is put on the construction paper. I can put another
piece of paper on there as a sandwich. Boys, boys,
I said it was nap time, okay, clothes, this is
quiet time. Okay, it's kind of quiet time. Is that
a nap time? I'm sorry to interject, but some of
us developmentally don't need a nap right now. Bodies can
tell us when they need a nap, not a stigula.
(03:23):
It's not because you need a nap. Okay, oh you
need a nap. I'm going to be in that I'm
going to be in the teachers mean, all right, why
don't you know what you're in charge? While I'm gone? Okay,
all right? Did you notice that? Do you notice how
the older people didn't? Did you hear the teacher? I did?
I thought this was a collective. I thought that I'm
(03:46):
in charge. Well he's got let me see that paste.
What are you doing it? Don't stupid sleep stars in town? Um,
this is just like the Stanford Project. River, wake up.
I'm trying to sleep River and stand up. Everybody gets
(04:10):
just like anybody else. For myself, we all understand what's
really going on here? What's really going on here? Geane?
Your diapers falling down? Teller? Tim Teller, Tim teller, Tim. Yeah, Tim,
tell me we're collective. To remember we're collective. Yeah, I
real excited to hear what Tim has to say. We
have to keep standing at the wall. Yeah, it's probably best.
(04:33):
Our parents are dropping us off here for some type
of brainwashing or something. They're trying to keep us down.
They don't want us to learn more than we can learn.
When you're not being you're scaring me, Tiffany. You're scaring
me Tim because you're sounding simple. I think tim sink.
We're being indoctrinated into something and you acting like a
tyrant doesn't help. I'm trying to into the good stuff together. Okay,
(05:00):
raise their hands. If your three, I'm coming off the wall,
Go ahead, nobody. If you're four, residence of your two.
We got a big eight spreading here. That's gonna make
things interesting. Listen, we had impulse control issues, right, who's
been there? Yeah, what I'm saying is, why do we
(05:24):
have to control him? Are you talking about a headenistic society?
I don't know if I'm I'm talking about adenistic society. Okay,
don't jump to conclusion. I'm talking about this classroom could
be a lot more fun. Well, then you're talking about anarchy,
and you're talking about any anarchy chaos. I'm talking about
this one classroom. But clearly we need to give it
some Yeah, why do we need to give everything a name?
(05:46):
That's so simple minded? We identified then we're all clear
of like what it is, and the definition just helps us. All.
That's not a name, that's a definition. So why don't
we just call this place church? I like that a church?
Church the church? Okay, let's call this place church. I
go to church. I'm so I'm this with my family problem.
It's going to mix up with everything. This is more
like church's chicken. Yeah. Can we call it church's chicken
(06:09):
because church is chicken? What doesn't it philosophically? He does, Yeah,
but the church is chicken. Well, I think it's seeing
that you're scared to what I'm saying. When we go,
I mean, we tucked in it up here. Be extra
(06:30):
good by this standards. Okay, Okay, it's gonna be really good. Yeah.
I love you bush, our teeth, our teeth. We'll go party,
but one class of water. Okay, what is this leading to? Yeah?
What do we do? Daling? Good night? Okay, I'm going
to see you in the morning. Okay, Okay, I love you.
(06:53):
I love you. Wow. You said it first, and I
did my ABC's and I said a prayer. Wow, really
by yourself? Yes, that's he doing in there. Tilan just
said his ABC's and he said his prayer. I'm all right,
just um, something at work, all right, Tiffany, it's time
(07:16):
for bad. I don't want to hear another word. I
won't say another except can I say three words? Here
we go? I love you? Oh, Tiffany, I gotta tell you,
I've been waiting a long time to hear those words.
Your mom used to say those words before she left
(07:37):
me for your uncle. I talk again. Yeah, baby, Yeah,
I love you so much. You do so much for me.
You've given me the scaffing to be ald a good life,
and I hope wing you'll be in my life for
a long long time. Hey, hey, son, son, So get
(08:03):
down off that wall, all right, Okay, Okay, I was
just trying to climb up to the book. Yeah, no,
I I see I climbing up to the books I
was going to read before I went to that. Wait,
you two, I'm really good at reading, Daddy, you learned
how to Wow, that's it's really impressive. Thank you, Sorr.
(08:24):
I've been so mean to you your whole life. It's
only been a couple of years. And he's and you're funny.
Oh you know what getting bad, Kiddoh let me let
me tuck you in and I'll grab whichever book you want. Okay, Okay, Henry,
there's something wrong with river. Okay. I walked into his
room and he had a collection of pamphlets. Yeah, and
(08:45):
they seemed to be well. They seem to be nefarious
and content. Okay, that's all I'm gonna say. Let me
shut his door first. Good night. Look, I've seen him
climbing on walls, talking in tongues or whatever he's doing.
I don't know, but it's freaking me out. Look it's
just honey, don't worry. It's just he's he's a smart kid.
He's a bright kid. He's going to that special school
for all the bright kids. I don't know what's going
on the book. I bought a knife and I coated
(09:05):
in poison. Okay, just In, Kate, what do you mean, Justin?
This is our son. Hey, Stella, I hate to call
you so late. It's about Tiffany. Ah. Oh sorry, sorry,
get off. Don't just do it again. Don't suck my
toes right now. I'm trying to take the taste. Shut
it up. Okay, keep sucking my toes. Sorry, I called you, babe.
(09:27):
I didn't mean you. I meant him using your brother. Yes,
So I put I put Tiffany to sleep to night,
and she said some pretty pretty incredible things. But as
you know, I stought the motorcycles. That all right, Oh babe,
that's great. Why who are you talking. Your mouth should
be full. That's your brother. Yeah, I still have he
(09:53):
sounds like a unick on the I found some documents, Stella.
I found some documents and Tiffany's backpack documents. They're nefarious. Nefarious, oh, nefarious.
So this doesn't concern you. Okay, good night, Okay, class,
(10:19):
it's naptime again, So Tiffany, you're in charge again. Okay,
I'll be in the teacher's lounge. Take it easy. You
just over to west. You kids have been so good today.
I'm gonna be in the other room smoking. Bye, Tiffany.
I think my parents found out I was caught climbing
the walls for a book earlier. They like that you
(10:41):
just have to say for a book. I think that
they're suspicious that I'm smarter than everybody. Show me what
you got, show me what you got. Like, well, first
of all, I think we should all say a quick
um um blessing chicken this church. Okay. I want to
make sure, because if you don't know that, then you're
not Okay. I have I brought two things. I brought this.
This is a photo album with adult images. Okay, we're listening. Okay, Well,
(11:07):
if you look in there's a lot of grown ups kissing. Okay,
and then I brought this remote controls to nothing. Now okay, next,
that's a bunch of bowl Listen. What we need as jewels,
What we need is stuff that we can use as weapons.
What we need is someone to be digging a hole.
(11:27):
I got. I got a bag of unused water grenades. Yeah,
their web you said, give weapons is water balloons. It's
not gonna hurt anyone. Are we going to hurt people? No,
it's not going to hurt anyone. I brought this. I
brought this collection of cut code knives. It's missing one,
(11:50):
but otherwise it's a very useful collection, is what I'm
talking about. Bad cut it. They can cut a penny
in half. This is the weather. Go why do we
need to cut? Know that to you? Old amongst us
would be the hero. I don't know where I put
the other one. There's just one missing. I found forty one.
Ninja throwing stars, Nina stars, damn metal. I think their metal.
(12:14):
Look well, Okay, we're getting closer. I brought a whole
tank of snapping turtles and dangerous Oh no, no, no,
I like this. Listen. So that's now what we have
to decide how that we're working together a job. Everybody
know the parents are fleeced. Chicken, this church. Ch choose
our first victim. I'll do it. Wait, do what? Yeah?
(12:37):
What a victim like them? Just like a person that
we want to get and then we'll have their stuff
after we get that. The teacher, it's the obvious choices.
Mr Swortson, Sortson's poor. He's a teacher. Yeah. Also he
lets us get away with stuff. Should we want to
keep him as a pass white if we don't have
as this one thing, we don't have a meeting time, Guys,
I don't I don't want to sound like a naysayer here,
(12:58):
but I thought we were all about breating ourselves from
whatever our parents are indoctrinating us into, not following a
totalitarian leader into the into the You are coming on
an interesting thing. I feel like the group's turning against me,
and I think we put it to a vote. The
votes don't count, all right, Tiffany, If youson, but we
(13:20):
don't agree with his authority to story, he'll be fun
or not? Alright, sweetheart, I know you had a weird
day at school today. I heard there was an accident
with a horrible accident, and I'm never going to go
to sleep. I'm so scary. No, you don't have to
(13:41):
be scary. You're safe here, you're safe here. I love you.
Oh you want to hug you wove daddy. It's been
a second mom Still we left over, so sure you
want to wear some of your stots. I want to
feel closer to mommy. I understand that. I understand. Actually,
(14:02):
right here, here's her jewel box, sweetheart. Okay, well I'll
leave that here and you take what you want. Okay, Oh, daddy,
I hope you take what you want from life. From life. Yeah,
it's good night. Let me get you another one, buddy.
She had a long day. Oh yeah, Yeah, that's the kid.
(14:25):
You know, she's doing great? Kids? You got kids? Yeah? Nice?
Uh they're dumb as bricks. Yeah, I used to think that.
I used to think that. Uh, but I think that
school is doing uh something good for her. Where do
you kids go to school? My kids their home school?
Oh yeah, I thought about that, but then the mrs left.
I take mine over to that special school. That's free
(14:47):
thinking school. Magnet Star, Yeah, magnet Star. Yeah, she seems
to be liking it. That's great man, your whole demeanors
change this want for the better. Yeah, it looks it.
You know. You know, my my little girl gave me
a hug around the neck to tonight and I didn't
even have to ask her for it. Do you normally
ask your kids for hugs? I do, and she usually
(15:09):
denies me, And tonight she just gave me one. And
I think I'm really I think I'm getting through to her.
That's great, that's that's great. You got any uh, you've
got any good good blowback there? Cocaine? Yeah, yeah, so
to my p hole. Also, it's like that I'm from.
That's not what I was asking. What's not what I
(15:30):
was asking? What's going on? Guys? I just got sexual harass.
Oh my god, that's not this story here. You know me,
You guys know me. Did you just sexually assault him?
Did you say you know what? At this point, I'm
too scared to even mention get out what you're having
(15:52):
at the time, he's terrified. I'll just leave. Just got cocaine.
I'm just leaving. I'm leaving now. Okay, Okay, it was
nuts on, it was crazy. It's crazy. I can't believe
you did that to you so weird. Oh, honey, is
(16:13):
your okay? No? No, I've been uh using it as
a prison pocket for a while, and uh, it just
kind of expand my wreathrough. I can't really hope you
or anything in there. It looks like it's frowning. Okay, kids,
it's naptime again, so I'm gonna be going into the
teacher sounds Tiffany, you're in charge again. I'm so sorry
to hear about what happened to your dad. Oh it's okay,
I'll get over. And we're such a good kid. All
(16:35):
of you could take a lesson from Tiffany. And I'm
shutting the door. Church's chicken, Chicken, Chicken. Anybody else wanna
turn against me? Did you do to your daddy? What
did I do to my daddy? What did you do
to your dad? You know what's interesting? My daddy did
it to his damn self. Oh yeah, I didn't have
(16:59):
to do that. But was it a part of your
long plan or was it just it was just a
happy accident. My dad got caught es sexually assaulting someone.
So what exectually happened to him? I don't know. But
it's not home anymore. Who's watching you. Hostella is on
a way. That's my mom, Like, how long is it
gonna take her to get there? I don't know if
(17:20):
she one's on her own time. I don't know my parents.
My questions. Turtles are hungry. They ate a whole child
just yesterday. Do you want us to do something about River? No?
Don't do anything, please you? Hey? I like this attitude,
wasn't I've been on your side, Tiffany since day one?
(17:41):
I have I stood on a wall, I did everything
and said don't. Don't do you ever think maybe Rivers
reading so many books so he could be smarter than you?
Has everyone been hiding the pamphlets? I have a question
for you. Are you Satan's child? Satan's child? Yeah, came
from the devil's penis. Oh God, not for them, tells
(18:02):
penis no, okay, because you're acting like a satan child
in an idyllic society here. I have the pamphlets. I
think we need to make sure everyone has gets them
every play day, every park. That's why anybody asked you
what you do and say, I don't know, chewing paper
and putting your mouth and chew it. Okay, I know
(18:24):
we all just learned how to read that. Maybe I'm
not doing it right. But these pamphlets, these are just church,
just chicken menus. I don't know what they are. I
got them. I got them for my dad. Can I
just these kids are extremely fun up? Oh my god,
there are future Find that school and remove it. This
(18:49):
next suggestion is from Ken, who are hello comes, I'm
a huge fan. I've got an idea for a scene.
Two lawyers are running a free clinic in a town
populated by muppets or similar non intellectual property anthropomorphic puppets
and struggle to understand and connect with their phone based clients.
On a serious note, in the years since I left
the military, it's been difficult to find a laugh. Your
(19:10):
podcast has had me laughing more than anything else. I
really appreciate it. Thanks Ken, and thank you for your service. Ken,
thank you very much, and for that scene suggestion we've
taken out of the free clinic. Uh, Gloria, who's next? Um?
I can't read this name? Yeah, send a horseman, please
(19:34):
come on in, horseman, horsemen, what what can I do
for you today? It's just the problems with legal payments.
Legal payments, all right, Well, we have a job. Horsemen
are you getting any assistance from the government, horseman, Well,
I think we could help you procure some assistance. Get
(19:57):
that Form seven. Well, haven't fill out form Form seven
and will help you immediately see that? Just the hoof? Well,
I guess we'll fill it out for you. Pardon me,
I think he's saying, thank you. Oh you're welcome horsemen. Horsemen,
don't forget to have a little feed on the way
(20:18):
out on a couple of carrots. How are you keeping
your cool? Dan? There's no way other way to get
through every day? Oh my god, my turn yet sending
hood Come in, Mr hood Hoodie. How are you today?
Oh well, I'm back, same prolapse, different day. A good point.
(20:42):
What can we do for you today? It's the same thing.
It's the same thing. Legal custody, Yeah, yeah, legal custody. Right,
we had this conversation. It's difficult for you to get
custody over your children when your wife is uh, what
do they call them uprights? Human being? Human? We can
say human being, okay, yeah. The judge was very clear
(21:03):
about not giving to the rights of custody to yourself
because of what I am, because she's an upright, that's right, Yes, yeah,
it just it sounds unfair handling up. I don't know
if he's crying or laughing. No one ever knows. Well,
(21:24):
I think what we'd advise you to do is keep
up with your visitation. How's work going? It's fun, right,
I mean children's television workshop doesn't have a ton of money,
but it's enough for one to get by, right, which
is all you have to worry about now. So there's that.
Why am I going to a clinic for legal advice? Okay? Uprights?
(21:47):
It's been brought to my attention that people here in
this room, in our community have been helping the others.
I don't know. I don't know the others that dirty
and gross and made a felt good. Bobby over here, Bobby, Bobby,
what do you think, Bobby? Talk Bobby, Bobby, you can't
(22:11):
talk ship. It was one of them others the whole time,
the whole time. Tell me they infiltrated here? Yeah, they did,
they get in That's what I'm saying. Someone here's week
I was dating Bobby? What you were You didn't even
know you were dating? Upright? And others. She's an upright
(22:40):
who's got a little fluff in that. I don't like
that either, Stan. How about we go we read the
minutes from last week's meeting. Yeah, I always seem to
do that, did you? Did you blow talch the minutes
from last week's meeting? Yeah? You got it, all right?
You gotta get rid of what, don't you think? Responsibility
for your job? Man? You know what I mean? Like?
What do you you struck a responsive? You don't turn
(23:00):
on me? Okay, I'm over here on you. We voted
for you for your position. All gotta work together. I
didn't mean to interrupt the lawyers. Guys. I really need
some legal advice, but I need confidentiality. Yeah, sure of course,
just sign here. Okay, all right, now we're legally hired.
(23:22):
What can do for it? Simple? I thought I was
supposed to give a dollar for a retainer or something
like that. Yeah, okay, I'm being blackmailed by upright in
one way. Well, everything I do is basically strung along. Wait,
are you a puppet? I'm sorry, I don't know what
we're supposed to Maryette? You strings? I'm so sorry, sir.
(23:46):
I'm so sorry, sir. Your your voice is just so grounded.
It's so easy to communicate with you it's a compliment.
It's I'm sorry, I Hi, who's phone the strings around here? Huh,
that's not funny, it's a little I'm being blackmailed, literally
by an upright. What are they forcing you to do? Well,
they're forcing me to They can't force him, right, they can?
(24:09):
Oh they can. What do they get? What form a
blackmail we're talking about? Well? I was I was sleeping
with a with an upright, sleeping with like napping, I
was having sex with an upright keep talking, well, get
all the way naked and in bed all the year.
Clothes appear to be painted on. Well, that was a
(24:30):
little bit of rubbing alcohol. It takes a lot of work,
but it's worth it. This marionette can go all night long.
She speaking of yourself. That's when I say this, Marionette,
I'm pointing at me, and so the upright? Once? Now
once what? Well? Her dad, her dad wants me to
leave the state. But I've never been to any other
(24:51):
state before. Open your goddamn door, dad, me my clothes on,
my clum the fuck is going on here? Um, I'll
(25:14):
tangled up. It's not what it is. Do you know who?
In this community? I am the leader of the Uprights.
You're not the leader. You take the minutes. Yeah, I know.
You gotta make a living, okay, I know you're you're
an upright You gotta make a living just doing my job.
(25:36):
You can't, you can't. You can't aid this man. I'm
just sex. I don't get off on this man, alright.
I think it's fucking disgusting. But I got a job
to do, all right. If the Upright Union wants to
pay a little more, maybe I would have to do this.
Don't you talk about the Upright Union? All right, here's
whats gonna happen. You aren't ever seeing another other ever again?
(25:57):
And you you better, dad. I don't everyone to beat
a human again. Dad. What the hell? What what did
I do wrong? What did you do wrong? What did
you do right? Oh? Here we go. You never let
me have training wheels. You gotta fly. It's kept falling,
(26:19):
falling and falling, and it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing, frankly, a
man who can control himself or be controlled. And so
you went with this little puppic controlling him, and he's
controlling and that's probably what's really going on here. I
know you're the one who's pulling the strings here on
this Literally it really I follow his heart, you know
(26:41):
what I mean. But he's got a move. Man like
sal If, I could just say, were very pleased with
your string work. Well, what we need you to do
is to go with one of these marionettes into a
child's bedroom, uh, and pull the strings on the marionette
(27:02):
and uh, you know you're like, there's the puppet master.
Yeah right, Okay, that's what you've been training for, right,
So I just need to know that once you're in
a child bedroom, manning as it were, the marionette, if
the father should come in or the mother should come in,
how are you going to handle this? Because you're a man,
a phote, grown man standing in a corner poems drink.
(27:23):
I'm gonna fucking just add to the hypothetical. All right,
the child is adult age? Yeah, no, sixteen, let's say sixteen.
It's a Mississippi law. Okay, fine, let's say we're Mississippi.
I'm done with Mississippi. I don't mean to interrupt it.
I'm not comfortable unless it's eighteen. If that's okay with you,
all right, we'll make it eight three. You know, it's
just so hard now, you know. And I started training.
(27:44):
This is my family business to be a marionette. And
now with the just the vision between the need to know,
if you're in the room and the father comes in,
you're gonna hold your ship together. Yeah, hey, flip floppy, Yeah,
what is it? Flop flippy? Don't call me that. Here.
(28:06):
You're seeing the same thing I'm seeing, Jeff. You mean
hearts in your eyes? Yeah, I'm falling in love with you.
I'm gonna come straight out and say that. Wait, what
You've been a good other, one of the only others
I trust. More bread sticks? They're unlimited. It says unlimited
on the side, and I don't want to be anyone.
(28:29):
You're right. I'm just saying if the baskets empty, it
means we want more breadsticks. I'm gonna ask every time. Alright, Jeff, Look,
nobody knows you're another. Okay. You do a good job
passing as an upright and you've been a good a
good partner, lover, partnered lover, and a great lover. Jeff,
what is this about? Are you trying to get rid
(28:50):
of me? You're trying to throw me unto robust you
the HT it's unlimited, right, I get as many as
I want. Embarrassing, all right, start with this one? Yeah,
but one more like because I'm just gonna slurp this
one right down, because look how much ice is in this?
Come on, that's all ice? All right? And you, sir,
you had that, Jeff, don't you throw me out on
(29:10):
my ass? I gotta gate rid of you. Don't you
throw me out. I'm like, I couldn't help. But see
under your table there's a pile of bread sticks and
a big puddle of iced tea is one. If you're
not eating, we're eating. He's crazy, he's kiss Can I
just watch you both swallow? I'm not allowed to bring
the food unless I know it's actually being eaten, So
I'm just gonna need a quick swallow test. I'm just
gonna need to make sure you're both a bread stick, swallow,
(29:34):
che chew, swallow, swallow sauce. I ate the whole bread No,
it fell out of his mouth. He was, you're satisfied.
I don't. I'm not. You are I'm not. I'm so sorry.
It seems to be somebissue. Here is everything? Okay? He's
telling me I'm satisfied when I'm not. I'm not satisfied
with the service. I'm not satisfied with my lover and partner.
(29:56):
There seems to be missing under the floor. Is something
we're gonna take what I'm trying to take papers, but
I don't think he can. All right, you know what?
Fine tied tied to this bull show? You winding up
on the floor because I have a giant gaping hole,
am tall and shot. Oh my god, that's right, Oh my,
get out of here. We don't go see what you did. Jeff,
(30:22):
get out of here. I loved you. Get him the
goddamn truck. There's everything out of that bum. What the fuck?
What the let me taste that is? It is? Oh god,
you made a real fucking scene in there. I don't
want to talk about this, okay, jof great, great ship great? Okay,
(30:43):
Well you have to screen that, alright. We know to
pull over if a cop is all right, it looks
like we got help you. You can get some I D.
Driver's license past you don't have a driver's license. You
(31:06):
turn coy back up. Oh yeah, just just because you're
an officer with a badge doesn't mean you're not still
one of us. Hey, let me tell somewhere. Now, bitch,
you talk to my part like that again, I'm gonna
let you up. Hey, Hey, you don't talk to him
that way. You don't talk to me that way. Mundo,
I'm humundo, extraordin narrow. I dott to walk around with
(31:27):
little freaks like that just because he has a badges
to make him a Yeah right, I also got a
gun match, so do I wait? Wait, wait, wait, fellas, fellas, Look,
it looks like we got a lot in common here.
What's your point? We got two sets of partners, one
another one and up right? Yeah? Yeah, you guys want
(31:49):
to trade partners? Who I mean? What's happening? Look, Jeff
seems to be really into the idea of Upright staying
together and others staying together. Ye, so why don't I
go with with this? What? What kind of what kind
of other are you? Anyway? What do you? I can't
even tell. I just got robbed. I was wrong, man,
(32:09):
give us a second, man, ma'am? Is that come? Yeah,
let's come, that's all right, warm, come Look as soon
as that's my come. Look, as soon as you walk
away from me, you just say this, come, officer. I
was robbed, ma'am. Give us a second. Is that really yours?
(32:30):
We're supposed to help people. What were you doing? Oh?
That did not get out of hand, buddy boys, Okay,
it was more fun than I could have asked for him.
And now to Patty in Kansas City for our last scene,
(32:51):
who wrote, Hello there, Alchemy this gang. I'm a huge
fan of the podcast and was elated to learn that
you will now be releasing episodes twice a week. That's right, uh,
Patty from Kansas City Tuesdays and Thursday. Tell everyone you've
ever met. I thank you, she goes on, and all
the people around me, thank you for taking these steps
to make me a happier, nicer person. As baseball fans know,
(33:13):
the season has begun, so I thought the following scenario
might be fun. The baseball team reveals a new mascot,
which winds up being so offensive that fans turned turned
into the game into a protest night. I hope you
like you keep up a good word, Patty from Kansas City. Okay, guys, Uh,
(33:39):
before we take the field, I just wanted to remind
you we got a new mascot and everyone should be
appreciative that. You know, he's gonna inspire the fans. I'm
not bringing my family here anymore. It's uncomfortable. Yeah, we
don't want to talk about this, but this guy, this
new mascot, I don't even want to wear this hat.
This hat is even offensive. And it's not even the
(34:01):
whole mascot, that's only part of him. I just want
to say I didn't design the costume myself. Costom no,
no mast custom. Yeah it is a nut sack. Uh,
But I think we can all have a more positive
attitude about that. You know, we could all like it.
(34:21):
I'm not sure exactly how am I supposed to have
a postive attitude. My wife won't bring the kids to
baseball games. And it's a nut sack. It's a nutsat
every Uh. Not a lot of people have them. He's
nuts for the team, that's the whole nuts. I want
the crowd to be more supportive. You're you're the manager,
But I can't. I can't go with that an a
(34:42):
good conscience play for the nuts X No, it's let's
play balls. I just don't. I don't know why we
had to have veins coming. Is like it wouldn't look
like a nut sack on it looks like maybe just
it could just be a bag of acorns and the
joke could be sex. I don't think we need an
actual scrollure. It's a picture of an owl on the side,
(35:05):
exactly like you're saying, less on the nose, Absolutely less
on the nose. Because Tommy, if I may, you're leading
the team. I'm the general manager, and you should maybe
have a few things to say. Here's what I gotta say.
Mascot or no mascot, mascot, our job here is to
(35:29):
play ball, win games. You no mascot babies. You can
be cry babies. But I got a slugger here who's
set to break a home run record today and he
ain't got no problem with nuts sex. He don't have
(35:51):
a problem with nutsex because he wants to play, because
he gonna get a record today. And for the record,
he doesn't have a family. I got a family because
he's more committed to this sport. You meant my family.
I love that. Okay, what kind of commitment are you
willing to make? Well, I guess I don't know. Be
hard to break up in my family. I'm the general
(36:14):
manager of a minor minor league ball. Well, we're on
our way to be a medium medium. Yeah, maybe we
got glue hair on me? What would that do? Dog hair?
A dog makes you cry, babies happier? Look, run with
the big dogs. Do not want to wear this hat
(36:34):
with a nutsec on it? And where I come from,
if someone puts a nut sec on your head, it's
an insult. Where is that the Dominican? Some people like it,
but it's actually offensive here too. I don't like anybody
likes to be tea bags? All right? Is that true choice?
I'm not a guy. I don't know. Look who's doing
the no talking because he wants to have a home
(36:54):
run record and I think he likes the outfit. Is
that why he's actually enjoying? Slugged Jim? What do you say?
I don't have a nut sack? Oh wait, well, like
here's a man. Although this was a man's team, that
is a man's team. You don't have to have a
nut sack to be a man. It's a penis that
makes him. No, that's also incorrect. Well, mustache, but not
(37:18):
every man has. That's also incorrect. I thought you guys
not had any talks about gender. It's like your Jim,
what makes a man is the record? Home run record.
That's right, Great, so we'll get out there getting a
home run record. We're gonna be wandering around ball sax
on our heads. Well, you could also be chasing your
own record. Everything about that what. I'm a team player.
(37:40):
I don't chase records. I'm an assist guy. I know
it's not basketball, but that's kind of the metaphor them
using yeah, yeah, yeah, No, I understand. When I was
twenty two years old, here we go, Here we go,
I was working on a tractor farm. We're gonna farm.
All these tractors just makes you push them up are
harvest and it was just a hot day, and I thought, now,
(38:05):
let me take off my dungaroos and walk around the
farm a little nude dungaroos, although there were dungarees. What's
the dungaro a little Australia like, it's like kind of
like a snack back. Oh dunk a roo, that's what
would you take off? And I remember seeing the distance
(38:26):
Harvest Horrest, Harrest, Big Sue, which is probably the biggest
tractor that it was that they're seeing most complicated. Not think,
what the hell, let's give her a ride. See if
I can't handle it? Long story short. I found my
way on a yacht cruise. You have some water, Thank
(38:48):
you cruise from a boy. How did you get from
the tractor to the story leap? There's a big leap
in this story. Long story short. That's not a long
story short. That's story. Skip. That's two stories. It's not
the story. That's nothing. There's no stories. There's a separate stories.
I can tell you I was born in the Caribbean,
and then I'm a major league. You were not born
(39:11):
in the Caribbean. It's born in the Caribbean. No way
like a week. Okay, that's the Star's the part of
the story we have to hear. Well, No, it's a
long story. Skip. Oh I lost my nut suck, nut suck?
Where it was the big big Sioux? Wait? Where are
we going looking for it? I think I think it
might have happened on the yacht cruise. There's no way
(39:33):
that it happened. Yeah, went big sue that big tractor.
Why would he take that cruise? Would take cruise off
and then look at a tractor? So there it was
where running board games for this cruise, all the kids
coming to the play area, and I said, all up,
did you have your balls at the time. I did.
(39:54):
Then why did you tell us about the director, because
that's where the story is starting. No, not just where
you started talking, but remotely after death. At that point,
I figured maybe there's something up on the upper decks.
I can get to Were you working the cruise? Cruise?
He's working board? Alright, go ahead, so fucking get to
(40:16):
the story. Hey, Jim cannot take next on the corn hole? Yeah,
of course, And I set those corn holes up pretty good.
Did a cornhole thing? Rip your ballsackle? What is a
cornhole thing? There's a hole in the board, you throw
a bean bag in it. I don't have a ball sack.
Let's hit him out. Look, the flashback was just starting. Okay, Okay,
(40:39):
I don't believe it's hoping. He's not going to gloss
over it. Long story short I was working as a
Disney imagineer. Okay, see that is not sort short way.
Did you still have your story hearing a different job now,
you were an imagineer. That is a competitive field. You
gotta be an engineer. You gotta have a pedigree, you
gotta have records. Did you draw your ball sack off?
(41:01):
What does that mean? We'll get to that right, And
you wouldn't believe who I met? Who did Disney? Disney, Donald,
Tim Cook? What's that girl from? Ryan Seacrest, Ryan Seacrest,
(41:23):
Steve Bus, Shammy, no Oprah my childhood friend? Who Sean?
Do we know Sean? Famous guy? My friend Shaw? Oh?
Just my friends. Did you work on the tractors with him? Oh? No,
you see a tractor farmer? No? No? What was Sean doing? Yeah?
(41:45):
This costume is hot. You were sweating your balls off.
I don't respector get back to Jim's story with him
nut school. Alright, so when was the nuts kime off?
I'm trying to tell the story just to recap. So
(42:05):
you started at attractive farm with harvest season? Who got
their junger roots? Right? Big Sally in the distance. That's right,
big big. We go on a cruise. Cruise children. Corn
Hole takes you up deck. Cornhole. We heard that weird
flashback of that guy asking you for the cornhole pieces
or ever. It wasn't a problem. There was no problem
(42:28):
for you to give him the cornhole become a Disney imagineer.
You see your friends, Shawn, of all people hired right
off the yacht. He just took your nuts right off
of You know, at that point, I know what you're thinking.
You don't, I don't think that's possible. Cut your nuts. One.
I wish I wish it was Oh my god, you
wish it was like that. That means it was work. Well, yeah,
(42:50):
I was captaining the black Hawk helicopter. Okay, hold on, okay, alright,
well listen. I would usually stop this, but he's our slugger,
and we've invested a lot in the story. I really
need so talented. He's also taking her mind at the
fact that we are called the nut sacks. Right, you're right,
it doesn't feel as bad anymore. He almost forgotten. Can
(43:10):
I take this hat off? Playballs? Balls? Where were you
black black Hawk helicopter? You're commanded in? I'm going to
fast forward a little bit. But the but the flashback,
it just started. Well, I was here in the may Day,
Jim may Day, May Day. This helicopter is going down
may Day. I had to deliver fourteen children, well on
(43:33):
the helicopter, that's right. How fourteen women or was it
a litter? But the women are not supposed to fly? Well,
I don't know how many people can bed on a
black Hawk? Isn't it small or is that large? Great question?
So at that point in my life, I was making
rope right by Tahiti? Do you still have your ball sack?
(43:53):
At this point of course, we didn't miss it. Is
he a pilot making rope? Or is this a new one?
I think it is a new one. This is a
different life. I was a ropemaker and we were making
ropes for surfboards. Wait a second, are we talking? This
is your laugh and you were living it. This is
my life. I'm trying to shay this story a second.
(44:15):
He's getting a boner. He's got a penis. You can
get without a nut seck, you can get without a nut. Second.
I don't know, but it feels like you could. I'm
the only one that doesn't have one. But I feel
like it's what Wait what do you have? John? I
didn't recognize you're a woman. Oh my hair is back
and I'm not wearing makeup. Can I ask a question?
(44:39):
Can I ask a question? Slugger? How fucking old are you?
You're the slugger on a very minor league baseball team,
but you've had all these lives. It's a really great question.
Funny story. Oh god, wait, no, we want to hear
the ball thing first from the ball. Here's how old
I got started, as long as they can remember. I
(45:00):
thought my birthday was March fourteen nine. Whoa, And then
I got a little knock on the door. Come inside, Hey,
Jim I am, we've come for your nutsack. I wish
it was that easy, boy. Wait, what happened? What happened?
(45:22):
You were faked us out in the story. I was
listening to a flashback. I felt like you were taking
me there, and that was a fake out. But that
flashback was a birthday flashback, not even a nutsack flashback.
It was a birthday telegram that was going to be
on the wrong day. That's what I thought it well,
me too, and then all of a sudden it turned
into a nut nuts You know how many times somebody's
(45:43):
knocked on my door and asked to have my nutsack
and they didn't come in? Can I hear me nuts No? Absolutely,
not only one time. I wish it was that easy.
As much as what you do. So I was in
small town, oh named the tarn. I don't believe it,
(46:04):
crystal Burg. I'm looking at it. Wait, how do you
know it checks out? Did you? He looked me in
the eyes. You couldn't tell all right here Crystal Burgh
for twelve years, twelve years, I helped bring funding from
the government to update the schools, the roads, you name it.
That's a good leader, Shine in light? Did you still
(46:26):
have your ball? Sick? Was this before the black Hawk incident?
And I had an opportunity to so I didn't even
thought about that we might not be here in these chronologically.
My guess is he probably had to do the black
Hawk thing to get mayor. Why don't don't you just
ask him? I guess he's not telling us when we
asked him. Stuff. Try Jim, Jim, how did you lose
your nutsack? And guess what sugger? You're up first one
(46:53):
year old slug and it's gonna go out there and
he's the only one on this team that has twenty
seven going on twenty eight home runs. I'm putting on
my old hat. Fair fine. Hey, so really we never
found out how I think the guy I think we did, Yeah,
you did? You actually did? We heard it? It's it's veiled.
(47:15):
I think it was the ropes into heating there I
got cut. Let's thank our engineer, Doug Babe, our post
sound design artist Raphael Brito, producing Sophie Lichtman, and of
course I heard media. Thank you all for the auspices.
I encourage you all listeners to write a review. It
(47:37):
sure does help out. We'd love to know you're out there,
so write a review. Let folks know about us, tell
everyone you've ever met. Is not a simple ass, but
I made it and right to us at your name
here at alcove this dot com. Let's go around the table.
Joey Graham, thank you so much for being here today, Buddy.
I'm so glad to be back. It's so glad to
be black black and back. Feel better. Thank you, Thank you.
(48:01):
James Cheney. Well, if you're not checking me out at
Jeffy Greeper on Twitter, then you've mistakenly typed in vein
on Twitter. Oh no, it's nicely done. Mark, thanks for
joining us again. It's my pleasure. And where the hell
can folks find you? They can find me on Twitter
at Mark gags or start watching Blood and Treasure this
summer on the CBS network. And that stands for the
(48:25):
broadcast broadcasting system. I assume it still does. I love
that Columbia was involved in television at some point. Yeah,
it's great. But as Raglan he knows the guy Howard thinks.
Thanks are great, too good, right, they're too good. Pinching myself,
pinching myself to the point of blood. You're a giver
(48:47):
a thank you once again for being a Christopher. Thank
you too. Thanks. Yeah, I like this right, yeah, okay
pumping out to the live show. Yes, sure, look up
the next live show when you want to join us again.
We love that you were part of this. It was
(49:08):
such a treat, right yeah, people were there also, Thanks
for holding up the sign that says I eat my
own comb. That was a great time. T shirts Yeah,
that was just too much. It was more than I expect,
was it. Jimmy Jinna T shirt? The nutstack hats? Oh
my god, did not expect that up. Yeah, until next time.
(50:00):
Alo
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.