Grocery Store Detectives

Too many plain-clothes grocery store detectives… Comedian Nicky Shitts showcases for The Tonight Show… A white house intern attempts to save the day.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy This I'm your host,
Kevin Pollock. Yes, that Kevin Pollock? What's that? Oh gosh,
thank you? I don't ever really. I mean, I guess
I look younger than my years because I sleep every
night with my face covered in the finest hummus. But
I digress. Let's meet our chamis Is. Shall we? In
no particular order? Please say hello to Mark Gagliardi. Hello,

(00:25):
Parky Marcus. What is your favorite Bond film? And why? Uh?
My favorite Bond film is Golden Ie because of the
video game. Appreciate the honesty. Uh, powder your nose? It's
such your pass on stunt and powder your nose? Why
would I write both? It's James Heney, please, Marie Heaney. Uh.

(00:48):
When do you realize? When did you really? I'm literally
unable to read my own writing? When do you realize
that you were not like the other? Uh? Well, I
guess it was Uh well, it wasn't me that realized
at first. It was all the others that filled me
in on it. Graceful. They let me know kind of

(01:09):
one by one, and then as a group. Does that
make sense? It makes a lot of sense, which is
why I try to gear my questions to you for
not a silly answer, but that's sort of insight into
your life. Yeah, I appreciate that way too much. Next up,
it's first timer Alchemists. Uh please give a how how

(01:29):
did Jen Murray all the way from La Trompe p a? Jen?
No relation to Bill Murray? What does the following mean
to you? Come along, come along to the Royal Huggin song. Oh,
that was my summer job. I used to work on
the trolley at Idlewild Park, shout out and that was

(01:51):
the big line. That was the big line that got
a lot of attendant. Come along, Come along to the
Royal Huggin song on Mr Rogers trolley? Right on Mr
Rogers trolley? Right Yeah? Who was from litt Roe, Pennsylvania?
And there we have it? Relation, Thank you, thank you,
tumble off the car. It's Col Stratton, Coleman Lanern. Isn't
true you one shot a man and Reno for saying

(02:13):
Joey Greer's a funny fellow. That's true. Anybody says Joey's funny.
I've got a huge body count. And last, but man,
you only shower with twelve agory man if you think
him least say sup Fuckers to Joey s Fucker's Google
a friend and greer. Why all the eyeshadow this morning?
I'm going through a phase. I didn't go to an

(02:35):
emo phase as a as a preteens. Al right, kind
of doing that hosting? Yeah, God bless you. All right,
let's get you our first scene. All of today's scene
suggestions were gathered from your listener emails. If you'd like
to submit yours, please write to the podcast at your
name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name
here at alchemy this dot com. Our first scene, in fact,
comes from he who will not be named, who wrote,

(03:02):
hello Alchamis, and thank you for the wonderful podcast. It
certainly has ease my tedium. Working as a plain closed
store detective. It is not nearly half as exciting as
it sounds. It sounds just awful. My job takes me
to all kinds of small, rural grocery stores owned by
the chain I work for. I often meet managers that

(03:23):
have no idea that they are even paying for this
type of service, and served mostly regular small town customers.
I'd like to hear you take on my day job.
I'm sure you'll come up with some hilarious customers and scenarios.
I look forward to every episode and hope you never
stopped making my work days just a little bit better. Cheers.
Name redacted due to witness protection. So I've milk down

(03:47):
an Aisle two, and then cereal is gonna be on
Aisle three, So that's where you're gonna find. Where's the bananas.
The bananas will be in the center, so we have
all the fruit and vegetables in the center. Okay. So
if you think of the grocery store, think of it
as a as a labyrinth, okay, and the centers as
a labyrinth. It's it's it's amazing, it's amazing. I'm fine.

(04:11):
I just every time I have to do this, it
just maybe use a different word if you don't want
to go through there. I'm not gonna get angry, Okay.
It's where is the least obvious place for me to
be so customers don't sniff me out? Uh in this
labnitt Okay? Okay. If you want the least obvious place,
I guess would be bananas by probably in the center.

(04:33):
If you want to just like mess around with the fruit,
that'd be great. Whatever mind would all be doing looking
for a location, you know, unless I know the better
is what I'm saying. And uh, just so you know
there last week there was a crime committed here. Okay,
there was a there was a double homicide in the
grocery store, all right, and the detective on duty couldn't
handle it had we had asked them to leave. So

(04:54):
we appreciate you being here. Well listen, Uh, that's exactly
why I was called in. That sort of thing won't
be happen. And again, I hope not perpetrator to return
to the scene. It's a weirdo thing and I'm gonna
do my bet. Here's come to the the customer bananas. So
look there, Hey, hey, yes, you're a new detective. I'm sorry,

(05:15):
are you the new detective who's asking? I'm asking? Okay,
I see the physical being in front of me. I'm
asking what your business is. I'm also a detective here.
There's a bunch of us around. I just wanted to
know if you're new on the shift. Who brought you in?
The boss? Krensky Krensky, Hey, guys, he's just here's to

(05:36):
use the new detectives. Yeah, he's the new guy. This
guy is pretty cool fresh. What's new guy? There's a
bunch of us in here, so he said, where the
sex and all kinds of things? He coming to warm
up there? Yeah, yeah, I just had to get out
of the freez to sexy per minute. I noticed that
that's a tough post. Yeah, this is. It's about the
worst post here. You got your on bananas? I am
on banana. If you guys weren't near me right now though,

(05:57):
all right, right right, nobody's supposed to know any of this.
I'm are you out of the freezer? Back in the freezer? Please,
Mr Detective meet not to know we're doing this. This
is a good time, This isn't a good time. I'll
get back to the chef boy r D section man
if that's the thing. Right now, I got mini Rabbi
only ten for dollar? Can the detective stop talking to

(06:19):
each other? Many customers come in here? Where's customers come
in here? Because the dumb mohammed side you're not so busy?
Well a little bit okay, but also our prices have
risen just a bit. Okay, it's not me, it's inflation. Okay,
I didn't do this. You don't personally decide what the pricing? No,
but everyone comes at me like I'm the guy who's
doing it all right, Yes, okay, I'm the face of
the company. Yes, I'm an individual who has power in
that way, but I don't choose to do that. Does

(06:41):
the actual marking of the prices? Do you have one
of them guns that put the price on the cans?
Can I see that? Ye? Can we all see this? Yeah? Okay, okay, everyone?
Can I break cover for a minute. Yeah, that's right,
Thank you, Like you did when you approached me and
asked me, well, you're a detective, I could clearly tell you.

(07:02):
We're galking around this corner with your name again, Rick Phillips.
Rick Phillips, Yeah, that is my name. How did you
know that? You're good? You're good? My good? Are you
just a complete and total waste of my time? Oh
my god? Look, it's it's your mom's birthday. Anything's gonna do.
Just get one of those premade cakes. Who cares? You
know that? I can't do that. She's allergic to everything.

(07:23):
Come on and don't get her anything? Then? Oh my god.
This is why I want a divorce. This is why
I asked, okay, and this is why I refuse. All right,
I want to make it work out. Okay, I can't.
I can't with you anymore, you know what I mean.
And I don't know why went to this grocery store.
Don't people get murdered here allegedly? All right, I don't know. Okay,
it's place is huge. Come on, look, let's just let's
just get her a cake and just bounce from here.

(07:44):
Come on, hey, guys, Oh, sorry, down here? Thank you?
Thank you? Cakes? Yep, yep, yep. Yeah, I'm sorry. Do
you have anything that maybe is gluten free nut free air?
Air with like wrinkles on it? Oh gosh, I'm sorry,
just single because I seriously can't with this guy. Sounds

(08:05):
like you guys go into something. Yeah, we are, and
we're rebuilding. Oh okay, yeah, we're rebuilding. Way to use
the buzzwords from therapy. Okay, Oh my god, I can't
use the words. Oh yeah, are you gonna pay for
this cake? Yeah? I'm gonna pay for the cake. Oh yeah.
How much is a frozen cake? Fifty cents? It's just
this is a little more than more than fifty cents.

(08:27):
I'm not gonna pay a little more than fifty cents.
Do you know what I'm doing. I've seen couples like
you come in here before. Hang on a second. Let
me let me just write something on this cake that
I think. I think we'll we'll really solidify your relationship answers.
Here you go, here, you go. This, this one's just
for you, guys. Stuck your finger in the cake and
wrote it with you. I didn't think that. Man, I

(08:47):
can't read it. But he's just kissing in a different section,
just kind of just moved it. This cursive. I can't read.
They don't teach cursive anymore. Kids. No, I don't cursive. First,
forget it. I hope your love is very happy back
in the freezer. Yes, that's where he works. Clear like
it's always negative. Huh. Don't you report me? Okay? Can

(09:08):
you handle the conversation where you support me? Sure, let's
have a conversation where I support you. Excuse me, mrs
Their problem here is this gentleman giving you talking to me?
Who are you speaking to? I'm talking to the lady. First, sir,
could you back off? Could you give us two and
a half feet? He's jealous, Sorry, he's got major issues.
Is there something I can do to help? Yes? I'm

(09:28):
looking for a dessert from We're looking for a dessert.
Hold on just a second. What is your name, sir?
My name is Yes. How do you spell that? T
R O, N H, E R and H? Okay? Can
you stay in a corner? Tronter? Yes? Please? I need
five five five feet from me? Okay, right, all right, one.

(09:49):
I'm so sorry about him, I really am. I We're
really working on it in therapy. We're really trying. But
do you feel physically threatened by this man? If you
say yes, matters will be taken. Okay, look what look?
What what kind of matters? Yeah? Does he leave a
mark on you? Oh? I mean on my heart? Yeah?
We've been married like five years. You know. I just
really trying. Have you ever been to a casino where

(10:11):
you're playing black jack and uh, the dealer has to
go and break from their shift and they'll clap their
hands sort of like this and then throw them up
in the air like I'm done here. Oh yeah, I've
seen that in a movie. So that's what I'm metaphorically doing. Right,
How long do I got to be over here? If
you're telling me that he the only mark he leaves
is on your heart? I can't I win the black

(10:32):
jacket a close up magic. I don't want to miss
close up magic. Sure, John dra to get over back
over here. What's a trick? The trick is you watch
yourself around this lady, she's got a very sensitive heart?
Are you following me? I have before? What does that
have to do with anything? It has to do with everything. Okay?

(10:53):
Did you tell him I followed this guy? What did
you tell him that I was following him around? Look?
I got a hobby. I'm a follower. Okay, what so
who else do you follow me? Stop? I live with
You don't need to follow you. Maybe if you did,
you'd hush stop hassling people like myself. Maybe Billy check
it out? A pricing gun? Someone just left it here

(11:13):
in the aisle. Oh my god? Do you know what
we could do with this? We could set everything to
zero and bankrupt this pitch. No, no, no, no, that
would be too obvious. One cent. We gotta have some price.
You can't ring up zero. But what if they tried?
Well would happen? Sam? Do you want to get away
with this? Do you want to get busted? You're right?
One senate is one senate is great Oh my god,

(11:36):
what are we gonna get first? I don't know. We
could price these well, this is the penny candy aisle.
Let's go bigger stop. Okay, what's the most expensive thing.
That's where we get the biggest deal. Well, I used
to watch supermarket sweep a lot and they made a
lot of money on those hoses and Hams hoses, Yeah,
because they have garden noses in one section and they
retail for a lot. Or there's just the big old Hams.

(11:57):
We could price the big old hands at a penny. Okay,
big old Hans. Let's do it. Let's do it, samp. Alright,
just just gotta pass the frozen foods to the deli
right there there. I've never used to gun, you know,
just just point okay, in price, price, in price, in price.
How much money you got, samp. I've got four cents

(12:18):
in price? Okay, let's go. It's all four cents, yeah, cheef.
Four pennies that I took from the leave a penny,
take a penny. I just took pennies. It took four
Now you to realize that you've been You've been brought
into this office because you were caught cut, caught on
tape changing the prices at the store. You understand that

(12:39):
I am a phone call away from both of your parents. Please,
I'm too young to go to Julie. I'm nine and
i'm ten. All right, what was your name? Uh? Sam? Boy? Yes,
I'm Sam. What's your friend's name? I don't remember giving
fake names. I'm going to need I just heard that

(13:01):
I'm gonna need some answers. Sorry, sorry, your public defender.
I just just got your little late. Actually you're a
little early. I haven't even charged him with a crime.
Then they're free to go, not free to go. They
were caught on tape. Shall we watch it together? Yes,
you're Sam? Which one to Sam? Sam? In the cans?

(13:21):
And the other one's name is Billy. You said you're
saying I was lying, but now that I had my
public defender, I wanted to just be honest. What was
your name? Public defender? My name is actually Sam. So
this is why I don't understand. You. See, if you
could find some sort of idea on these two nine,
there's no I d okay, no wallet on this one.

(13:42):
You know, it's real clear. I'd call the actual police.
They come down here and they just take you away.
That's exactly what or I can get you know your
mother on the phone. You can have a little conversation,
and this is all done, but without involving the actual police.
Take the deal. Take we should take it right. I
don't know what's your home number. They're saying, well, my

(14:07):
number or his number. The kids you said say, I
didn't know who you were speaking. His name is saying, well,
my name is I. Then he said it was Billy.
You got how do you spell yours? Let me street
and everything out? How do you spell yours? Am? No,
my name is Billy? Alright. I said it was Sam
because I didn't want to know my name. Sam's his name.
My name's Billy. I can't tell you my name because

(14:29):
witness protection. So you've been through something like this before.
What town was that in? I'm not really supposed to say.
I'll get it. I'm just tell him what. I'm your
lawyer at finn It's fine Denver, Colorado. If you two
kids heard a good cup bad cup, because you're about
to meet bad cut, but you're only one person, that's

(14:51):
exactly right. I'll be I gotta go out in the
way and get bad cup. Oh man, Alright, guys, listen,
this is gonna go heavy. If that I was not
the bad cop, I don't know what the hell is
could have happen. Okay, now, my legal protection only goes
so far. All right, you're ten, you're nine? Maybe maybe Sam,
I don't know. You're spinning the yard of lies. I
don't know what's going on here. I'm on your team here.

(15:13):
I need to know what's going down. Well, what should
we do? Billy? I don't know. I mean I never
thought just so sorry, she's you got me confused. I'm
telling you for cup six my names freezer just opened
in the air. Hey, guys, we couldn't quite get a
bad cop right now, so frozen cops gonna have to
do this. Okay, all right, you know which one are used, Billy,

(15:38):
and which one he's from Denver? I'm from Denver. I'm
also from Denver. I don't know. And you're you're the
one that's clear than an adults. Oh yes, I don't
know if I can handle this. Maybe we need to
get Banana cup in here. I'm gonna go outside. I
guess we gotta get our story straight here. Okay, we
gotta hear a story straight here. Look I'm from Denver too,

(15:58):
all right? And what was the round? What happened? Did
you do? What? We were pricing things for a penny?
That's it, that's all. We didn't know if that the
witness protection? Hello him, Banana Cop? How is everyone doing
really good? I heard um there's been some trouble with guns.

(16:20):
Is your whole outfit made up bananas? Thank you for
no doing? Oh my gosh, you m right into the
banana stam. I only can hope, even Banana Cop. When
we were walking around, do you have to change your
outfit like every four days because it browns? Oh that's
such a great question. You're such a great guy. Yes, yes,

(16:43):
I do. I brown and then I change. I feel
like she's lulling us into a fake sense of like, well,
I just want to be honest. You know, she's great.
Touched the bananas with the pricing that did you change
the price? And banana just m We started in Hams
and we went for the big time. Okay, that or hoses,

(17:04):
and we didn't know what we'd do with hoses. You
didn't know what you would do with hoses? Well, I
mean I know what I would do with one hose,
but a whole bunch of hoses. You just need one, right,
unless you're giving to think about it. We could have
had a lot more fun with hoses than giant hams.
We could have had a massive sprinkler thing happening and
brought all the friends over. Slip and slide Hams would
just be like, I guess we're pretending it's Christmas, or

(17:25):
you compete in them before they bought and then if
when someone uses in the zipee in them. These are
really but honestly, we were just trying to We found
it on the floor. It wasn't our fault. We didn't
even know it was against the rules. Why would they
leave a price gun on the ground if we weren't
allowed to use. Well, people are messy, you know. But
you didn't touch the bananas, right, We did not touch

(17:46):
the bananas? Okay, got a split? Oh hello, yeah, listen,
I got both of your mom's on the way in.
Oh no, yeah. I was to use the tape and
post it on my Instagram account and just local people

(18:07):
and your mom's both. What is your handle? I would
love to follow follow her? Follow your your handle? Yeah,
and that's not gonna happen. I'll come on, let your
hand follow for follow You're Sam from Denver's right, Yeah, yeah, yeah,
You're not gonna follow me on Instagram? You follow too
many people. Come on, let me just follow you. You
have no discerning ability in terms of who you follow. No,

(18:27):
it's all embarrassing follow like eleven thousand people. Just slip out.
Let's just slip out. Just let me callow you. It
doesn't it's like, let me just follow you, all right?
What's your handle? My hand is Sam at Sam from Denver,
but the Denver is d I n v e R
because it was already taken d I n v e
R Denver. Well it's Denver, but yeah it's Denver, Sam
at Denver. Well, Sam from Denver, at Sam from Denver

(18:51):
and from his How many m's in your Sam? We
just barely got away with that. I know. I can't
believe it. Think God for Instagram, But it just occurred
to me. Our moms are on their way over here anyway,
That's true. They're going to see us no matter what
we do. Are you boys looking for their way out?
Oh my gosh, yes, we need to get out. Follow

(19:15):
me into the dumpster. Inside of the dumpster, Yes, there
is a staircase underneath the dumpster. How do you think
I got away with a double homicide last week? Oh?
No more questions. Let's follow ullow down the stairs. Okay,
how it's darts down here? Yes, it is underground and
behind the dumpster, several fathoms deep. I hear you boys

(19:39):
found the gun inside. Yeah? Was it wipe clean of fingerprints?
I don't. We didn't wipe it clean at all. But
you had this gun in your possession. We did, and
they took it from us. They least the gun from you,
but you felt moments of what the power of a
gun is. Absolutely yes, we could have had a We

(20:00):
had like four hams. Wait, you were shooting hams. We
were shooting hams? Were you shooting hams? We were trying
to knock down the prices. Do not understand that prices
are set by free markets. I don't understand. You have
a pricing gun, I mean anything, Oh boy, pricing gun.

(20:21):
I feel there are a lot of really cool gadgets
you have on this table. You probably should not touch those.
None of those are for price. Oh put that down,
Put those downs, Put those down alight. I'm going to
have to ask you to leave my layer right, No,
this is I'm going down arm Hams are up there.
We gotta stay down here, and yeah you gotta raise
us now hold on, hold on hello, bank, things are

(20:46):
things are not so good. There are no two children
down here? Do you need? Two children are down here?
I would call them the chilgun food. Ah. Well, look
the plans are all changing right now because of these
two children that are just shown up. They're playing with
all my wissy warry guns. Is quickly int please again, Okay,
you know what to do. I don't know what to do.
I don't want to do it. Click did you just say? Click?

(21:11):
Was that doing? The kid that you are about to
hang up on me? I really really hate that guy.
We could have slipped out during that whole thing. We
should have we should have. This room is so cool.
You put my whissy warry guns down? Okay, fine, but
that's they seems really fun. They are very fun. What

(21:33):
kind of technology is that it is? It is not
firm around here. It's cool. Sam's from not around here.
He's in the Witness Protection Agency program. I don't remember
in white you are in whit SEC. Yeah wait you're not.
You're not that kid from Denver, are you, oh ship, No,

(21:54):
you told him upstairs that you were from Denver. You
know this guy is coolly brought us into his dumpster downstairs.
Mouthy friend is very trusting. Yeah, it's me. Wait a second,
take your hat off. What what? Don't reach for that?
Don't I knew it? I knew it. I thought they

(22:15):
put you away after be testified against you. You thought wrong,
little one. You thought wrong, little one. I have been
down here waiting for so long for you to show up,
and now you are here, and I am going to
take you down with my whizzy worrigun. Look where it's
my boy? You said my son was here? Okay, where
where is he? What? He kind of wandered off? What
I mean he wandered off. I don't know how else

(22:36):
to explain it here? Okay, then he's just wandering off.
Have you seen the prices on Tunic Castle rule today?
And I have not today. I have not. I thought
them about three weeks ago, when I was here and
telling you they've dropped. I am okay. Well, well then
let's talk and walk to the Tunic Castle. But I
need to know where my son is. Okay. Well, we

(22:57):
had an investing a live investigation. I'mgoing investing and then
he wandered off sarm light sor I'm like, okay, have
you found the boys? I'm sorry, lad, it's once in
hand takes understand. Can I just say happy birthday? God,
thank you so much. You're the first person to tell
me come on anything or no, you're still allergic to that?

(23:19):
To it all, I'm still allergic. But you know what
I mean, today's cheat ta yeah, like a little rash
my throw closes up. You know, did you find a voice?
I have not Where the Boys? We're on our way
to Tunic castroll prizes right now. But we didn't need
to see this, and that was the original pitch for
Where the Boys Are? Scene too comes to us from Oscar,

(23:42):
who wrote, Hi, there, you have a bunch of superheroes.
I'm half brit love your British accents and half Colombian.
Didn't quite catch your Colombian accents. Currently studying in Western China. Wow,
this is quite a voyage. When local Chinese people get
curious about what I'm laughing at on the bus, I
simply plug my ear headphones right into their ears, and

(24:06):
of course they don't understand a single word, which makes
it so much better? How how does it make it better?
But I digress? Oh, I see he is a fan.
My suggestion is about a comedian who is on his
or her way to the top, but for some reason,
can never, ever ever make a joke that doesn't somehow

(24:26):
involve pe or pooh. Lots of love, making living far
away from home so much more bearable love. Vanessa's voiced
and best episode Lola's Bedroom. God bless oscar in China. Okay, Nick, ships,
you're up in five? All right? Yeah, you got it alright?

(24:46):
Five okay, and you can do tight seven all right.
I mnna have to pinch it off early. Don't run
the light he Nick, You remember I got the tonight
show Scalvia tonight, so I really need you to do
your best to do a television ready six minutes? You
got it? All right? We both know what that means, right, yep,
television ready yep. Certain words you can't say. You're good

(25:07):
to go? Yeah, I hope. So all right, where are
you open with? Uh? Probably hello? Right, and then getting
my first bit and then you know you gotta get
him laughing like within six seconds? Yeah, right, So the
plan is hello, yeah, I'll say it in a funny way.
Oh great, that always works. Yeah, uh, we're gonna go
carrot top funny. We're gonna go like, uh, we're gonna

(25:30):
go nick Oh. I like it. Right, So I'm having
him introduce you with your real last name, just again
because of Tonitrio scoutters out there, but you know it's
your six minutes time. Why not just have him because
it's this is my name now? Well, because when you
get on the tonight Joe Jimmy Fowl is not going
to say, here's the new comedian Nicky shits. Well, welly not,

(25:51):
that's my name. Well, that's your show business name, Nicki.
And right, so I'm gonna be on a show business show. Larry,
I don't understand. You know who I was. You know
what I'm about this in my art. We've been having
this discussion for a long time, and you're you're now
close to breaking. Right. All the time you were playing
Uncle Fox Chruckle Hutch in Cleveland and what whatnot, it
didn't matter what your name was, right. It looked okay

(26:13):
to the to the patrons, Hey, which kids get a
funny name? Who we Uh? But now we're going we're
this closer Tonight. There you're you're, you're you're my sister's husband,
Like you should know me, like this is this is
family stuff, you know. Just let me do my thing. Well,
you gotta bring up Bethany because I just wanted Nick. Sorry,
it's me another ten. Kevin Paul's doing drop in, Oh
my god? Really? Yeah? Yeah, sure, I wonder if you'll

(26:35):
do Christopher Walking again. I guarantee it you might be
a little something from that way. What do you mean?
No way, no way, no way. But he's been on
a Tonight Show sure, and I haven't yet. Don't you
understand there's a difference. There is a difference. Also, he
was on when Johnny Carson was the host. And why

(26:56):
don't know so much about his his history? Why don't
even focusing on what I'm doing? All? I don't know?
Because he's what's the word I'm looking for? Famous? Like
that matters? You're in stand up. Maybe you should know
a little something about the history. I think I know
enough about stand up. Okay, So who are your top
three favorite stand up in no particular order. Let's go
with my cousin Benny. Your cousin Benny's funny professional too.

(27:19):
He's a professor. He's a welder, right, funny as welder.
That's ever well did that's really funny. Um, professional known
comedians throughout the history of man. All right, Uh this
or woman or woman? Time? God forbid? All right, um,
let's see probably uh Timbo Timbo? Uh huh he was

(27:40):
that elephant clown. Very funny and uh Andy Cirkus and Larry, Hey, Larry,
you might if I interrupt for just a second. I'm
sorry to bother you too. I'm coming in from the
from the tonight show, and I'm really excited to see
your guy. How do you do. I'm doing really good.
You must be nicky sheet nikki shits anyway, stand kid, thrill.

(28:03):
He's a real whack and do I told you this
on the phone. I really appreciate you coming down. I
am really excited for it. I brought one of my
friends from the children's workshop and they're looking for a
new host of their show. So whatever, we're looking for
somebody that connects to the audience on a clean and
resonating way. That's what I keep telling my kid. And
he's ready to go tonight tonight. Alright, great, great, I

(28:24):
can't wait to see your material. That's Kevin. I'll be
up alright, God bless you, God bless you. Hey, two
minutes ships, two minutes wrapping up. I got so quick.
Oh my gosh. You know it was so nice at
those tonight show people to to let us tag along
and pick our guy. I'm so excited. I can't believe it. Finally, finally,

(28:45):
Children's Television Workshop is going to have a nice, wholesome,
clean comedian to lead a show. I really think it's
going to revolutionize children's television. You know what I mean
if we add a little humor, I mean kids have
senses of humor. Yeah, because none of six shoes. Because look,
Mr Rogers is great. But I know right, let's make

(29:07):
it seem slower with jazz. Oh god, get over it
and pop. It's what a good idea. Can I get
you to something to drink? Two more milks? Okay? You
know we have food that's a film menu there. Oh
oh sure, Oh gosh, oh gosh, these looks sinful, positive

(29:27):
mozzarella sticks, tough to bees. Oh my gosh, you know what.
Just the two milks for now? Two milks for now?
What do you mean? Two milks? I don't tell you
what I don't have, only have a cordon of milk.
I don't even know we had a cardon yes, frollowing
mud slides and ship. You gotta get him to drink alcohol, man,
I'm gonna always do. We should give him this this
Bailey's ivers cream. I think what they meant to order anywhere.

(29:54):
Let me get two bails. This is kind of brown?
Is this chocolate milk? What is this? It's a new milk.
It's organ Oh gosh, we really are in the city.
It tastes a little different, but we've had nothing but raves.
Enjoy everybody. Kevin Poll than you yourself next to the stage, Well,

(30:14):
he's an up and coming or he's doing great. Put
your heads together for Nikki sheets. This is the one
that we might get for our shore if we can
runtle them away from that tonight show fell off? Do
you think you get to talk to us? I hope
he doesn't talk to us. Hello, Hi, uh what's going on?
Everybody is? Everyone looks great? Huh? Hope everyone? Hope everyone
did shoot themselves and piss themselves from the last act.

(30:35):
Huh Um. You know what's funny. I was thinking about
this the other day. I was riding around in one
of my I have two cars because I piss and
ship in one and then I shouldn't piss in the
other and true, and I was driving around and I
thought to myself, why not pull over to the side
of road and get this a picture of the beautiful
Hollywood sign. So I popped out and once you know,

(30:58):
there shouldn't piss all over me, and I was. I
wasn't able. I wasn't able to move because it was
all kicked onto my thighs. Huh, Larry, Larry, you really
fucked me on this guy. I can't use him in
the tonight show. This was his shot. I don't understand
that this was your shot. I thought you wanted to
wrap some big names. Well you're doing me a favor

(31:18):
and take a look at Breg Garrett. Just take a look.
Take a look. It's been a while since he's been on.
And you know that that that's just how how the
cookie grumblest stalk to the crowd. How are you doo doing?
Huh oh gosh, we're just fine. Yeah, yeah, are you
two together? We were we were shikash you no, we

(31:38):
I mean we worked together. We yeah, we worked together.
At the children's television for children for children, do pe
on kids? Ah, pop kids? No, we don't you hold
on it. I'm sorry, Mr. Hold on a second. I'm Marlene.

(32:00):
Do you pop? Don't act like this is the first
time that you've heard this. Hold you look at the
Christmas party. I told you that at the Christmas Party's
when I starts the truth. Is there alcohol in your milk?
There's alcohol? How do you know there's my milk? Oh
my god, Oh my god. It's like truth serum for me.

(32:22):
And that's just pretty much out because it goes with
it if you don't think about where you're pissing and shinny,
thank you so much. My name is Nicky. You can
find me on Instagram at the Ship's Hey, Nicky ships Man,
I think my card. You're great, say great. So I'm
producing this new late night edgy comedy series called to
the Wall. Okay, we think you'd be perfect for it. Okay,

(32:44):
Spoke TV. That's right, and yeah, I'm down. You're down
for it? What should I run about? My brother? He's
my manager. Okay, cool, my numbers on there. You just
give me a call, will get you in. Okay, whoa, Hey,
who's this gay? Hey, this guy just suck. He's a
big time producer from Spoke TV. He just asked me
if I want to do a late night Holds the
late night show. All right, Well, you gave him your card,

(33:05):
so I'm a manager. I'm sorry, here's my dad. Just
the one is fine? Okay, Tim, tim Timmy Tim Timmy
that Spoke TV. That's right, that's you, Tim, Timmy Timminson's Okay, Larry,
come on, this is a big deal, that's right. So
what do you want from this? Get? Well, we're producing
this new late night edgy comedy show called Bows to
the Wild, and we think he would be great for

(33:27):
it. It It sounds pretty edgy, yeah the way he says. Look,
let me tell you about the set. Please. There are
walls that are very close to every performer's balls. Okay,
I get to the chair. I get it. We'll see, Okay,
I can't give it too much away. You know, there's
there's ears ears are Should we come down to the
studio sometime soon? Yeah? Yeah, ten thirty in morning. If

(33:50):
you can do that, I think I don't know. I
just want to sleep right, perfect, Okay? Ten thirty and
the address here in the car. That's right, and we
asked for Tim Timminson. Right, what was you in? Hey,
you guys can get a drive on. It's gonna be
great drive on. Is that some? Is that when someone
took you off? That's a passing. Oh sorry, Marlene, I'm

(34:10):
cutting you off. You cannot have any more middle seven
more please, Marlene. No, I'm having a great time. Okay, kids, Marlene,
get off the stage. No, okay, here we go. Hello, Hello, Hi, hi, Hi, Yeah,
love it, Marley. You are embarrassing us. Oh you're embarrassing me. Okay,

(34:30):
I just want to talk about my job. I work
with children. You are as kids. Yeah, Marlene, Marlene, come
up the stage, come off the stage. It's my turn.
Who here else likes to be on kids? Hell? Yeah, okay,

(34:54):
we're rolling right now. Mar we could just step into
my office and close to do a behind you. Thank you,
go ahead, sit down. Okay. There's some YouTube pottage going
around a view. Well, let's just cut straight to it.
Uh talking about explicitly disgusting things from that's odd. It's me.

(35:21):
I'm absolutely sure because somebody is saying Marlene, get off
the stage the whole time. Marlene. No, but you it's you.
It's you. Okay, Um, I'm supposed to be working for
the Children's Workshop and you're out at some sort of
degenerate comedy club. Well here's the mark. You asked us

(35:42):
to go and check out that guy, Nicky Sheets. Yeah,
but from what I've heard, it didn't turn out very good. Well, okay,
here's here's what happened. Okay, we ordered milk as we do,
and um, and then I guess they put some alcohol
in my milk. Yeah what Yeah, this is insane. I know,

(36:03):
that's what I was. That's what I was thinking. And
then I guess, um, someone said that I went on stage.
But that doesn't sound like me. Right, No, it doesn't
sound like you. But if you poisoned you, it's possible. Okay. Yes,
we're going to get the Children's Workshop gang and we're
going to go down there and see what the hell
is going on at the chuckle Hut when you get
all the detectively Well, thank you. Interesting, you're just the

(36:25):
children's television producer. You sound like what do you mean
just at children's television? Couldn't minimize it. We're making the
future of children, were entertaining their minds. Yeah, that's that's
what That's what I That's what I was saying, which
is why I'm so passionate. I love kids. Yeah, the
chuckle hug gets milk from Rogers. Yeah, okay, Well when

(36:46):
my employee comes down here, what the hell alcoholic? It's responsible?
Are we just selling the milk? Okay, they just come
and get gardens from where's the milk froduct? It comes
from a dairy farm. Take me there. I'll take you

(37:07):
to the god damn milk. It's in Denver. I don't
give a I've seen it on Mr Rogers. I can
see it in real life. Well, yeah, the farm's clothes
right now. There's a double homicide down here last week.
So right now we're not really bottling the milk. Okay,
I see there's account right over there. I'd like to
just take a little nibble on the nipple. Well, um,

(37:30):
I mean I no one's ever asked for that, So
I'm gonna say, just needs some proof that there's no alcohol.
I'm saying. I'm saying, yes, I thank you. No one
has ever asked that, And I'm damn curious where this
is gonna go? Ahead, Paul, Paul, I think you could
charge the film. Well, day, that's right. Nobody milks for free.
That's the rule of the farm. All right. How much

(37:53):
is it gonna cost me the nibble, the nipples? Jesus,
This is straight from the source. This is pure, This
is pure, all right, This isn't altodina. Alright, But I mean,
I can't drink seventy worth of milk. Wow, you don't
believe in yourself. You work in Childer's TV and you
don't believe in yourself. Well, you believe in yourself. You

(38:15):
can get seventy dollars of milk out of that nip.
I just don't know if I can stomach it. I mean,
how much can you keep in your stomach before it's
you know, I don't know. Cool, Look, why don't we
find out? All right? All right, Marilyn, I'm so sorry,
but Evan has passed. His stomach exploded, filled to the
brim with milk, raw, bitter milk. I think I know

(38:38):
why this happened. I told him I drink milk. I
don't need to know. I just wanted to come. You
know that Evan's dead? Oh? Um, do you know Evans?

(38:58):
I don't know. I don't know what's happening in the company. Okay,
I just wanted to go and let you know. Are
you related? I'm so sorry, Uh that Steve got to
before the company could share this this news. Who is Steve?
He's been let go. He was one of our field operators,
and uh, he didn't want to hear anyone's story. He

(39:21):
just wanted to share information, and it just was off
putting for most folks, especially when delivering this kind of
devastating news, very sensitive information from Steve. Did you say
his name is and he's he's operator for the children
let go? Yes, we getting out. I'm sorry for laughing
because he is just an odd person because we'd send

(39:43):
him out to share the bad news, in many cases
death and uh, well he just didn't want to hear
whatever that people wanted to say back. How many offenses
did he have until you fired? It was the first time.
Oh wow, we really get a lot of chances here
at that we do. We believe in people. So anyways,
well with our apologies. Uh and you had some questions

(40:04):
about your husband's dad. Oh yeah, well yes, my husment,
my y instead. I am devastated, obviously, and I know
I feel like it's my fault. It is weirdly funny.
I don't know why. Well, you know, you know whenever
people are really sad and then they just start laughing
because you know, because your husband's did every time you

(40:25):
say it. Yeah, I mean he went down hard. Yeah,
it's like face right into the dirt. Yeah, I mean
we thought about burying him right there, because he was
already half buried. Yeah, it was all right, Nikki. It's
Nework loves you, man, they love you. It's between you

(40:46):
and Marlene the Chocolate Milk comics. It's really close. It's
back and forth. This is your last screen test, and
I just take a nap. I mean, this, this neurotic
thing you've got going around, I was really working for you,
all right, So you need to go in there and
test one more time. Alright, where's Larry. He's my first cousin, vlarious,
negotiating deal points for you right now? Right? Okay, where
where's do I look at a camera? Yeah, you're gonna

(41:08):
go on right now in front of all the suits.
All right, it's between you and mine. You gotta sell
you gotta sell this. Do I have to do it
in for the suits? The network? Wait a second, suits
run this whole thing. But you want to be balls
to the wall man, of course I do. Then get
in there and do your job. Man, Okay, all right,
I have to make these suits laugh. How the hell
am I gonna make fabric laugh? Okay? All right? Are
you going? NICKI welcome back in. Thanks for coming back in. Hello,

(41:33):
you don't you don't look so good? Nick? Everything? Okay,
I'm fine. And when's the last time you ship and pissed?
Was the last time you slept? What's wrong with this face?
I remember? I remember driving down. I have two cars,
one car, ship and piss. Yeah we heard this material.
You did this last time you came in and tested
with us. One car piston ship in super funny every

(41:56):
time you say it. Yeah, this is this is for
balls to the wall. Oh my god, I pissed myself.
Oh you those are just jokes. You really do this.
He's committed. Oh my god, that's a commitment. We're looking
for a um what knock knock? Who is that? Everyone?
Who's knock knock? Who's there? Who's there? Knock knock? You know? What?

(42:22):
Can we call Marlene? Yeah, let's just get the chocolate milk. Yeah,
I'll let her right in right, Marlen, Hi, Marlene, Hi,
thanks for seeing me. Oh sure, sure? Did you have
your chocolate milk? I did? Seven big bang stuck kids?

(42:43):
Am I? Right? Yeah? This is great, This is this
is what we need on spoke. Yeah, strong, open, You're
gonna fire some questions at yet. Okay, okay, oh please
do are you still here? He was laying on the ground.
There's a couch. There's a couch right outside the office. Okay,

(43:05):
and it's probably also a couch at your home. You
could use that one. Get all the way there catches
pissing ship on it. I can't lay on it. Yeah.
We need to give this time to Marlene, okay, just
to have a lie down. All were some questions at
you and just a stream of consciousness whatever comes, all right.
You wanted to start out there, Greg, if you were

(43:28):
going balls to the wall, how would you prove that
it was an authentic balls to the wall moment? And
it's okay, Uh, it's okay to tell the truth, you know. Okay. Well,
here's the thing is, We've got a lot of answers,
and I don't want you to feel like you can't
repeat one of the previous answers from somebody else. I'm

(43:49):
just trying to let whatever you feel is natural. It's yeah,
let's just go ahead and let her answer. Okay, Okay,
it's okay. Whatever answer is a good answer. Okay, let
me just chuck this. No girl after? Is this going authentic?
Balls to the walls? I'd probably the kids of it.

(44:12):
Oh yeah, it was. It took sixty shows to and
a scene with that particular sentence. What don't we all
win today? It's a brand new Chevrolet, so congratulations to us.
All is from a fellow named Aaron, who wrote, Hey, guys,

(44:35):
I've been listening for about two months after I heard
a commercial on another podcast, and I'm super happy I
listened because it's the best part of my day. I
have no idea who you all are, but I love it.
Is that necessary? Anyway? Have you happen to see this?
How about a huge electrical problem at the White House
and an apprentice who is new and knows nothing is

(45:00):
accidentally set in alone to fix the problem. Meanwhile, the
US is trying to declare war on Argentina. This is
too much information Argentina and can't because the power is out.
Thanks a bunch, and please make podcasts forever. Thank you.
Aaron Morris from Atlanta, Georgia. What am I supposed to you?
I'm supposed to use a lighter? Do I use a lighter? Note?

(45:24):
I'm supposed to use the lighter. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
This is we don't usually have power out. It's just
but maybe here's a flashlight. You hold the flight I got,
things are right, Okay, I'll hold it, but I just
feel bad. This is uncustomary and we should have a
lighting person working on this very soon. You know what,
I'm gonna dictate the letter. You go ahead and write

(45:46):
it down. Okay? Did TMZ? Okay? Fuck you? All right?
The president? Okay, are you sure? Can you read that back?
Dear TMZ? Right? Suck you? Right? The president? That's nice?
Excuse me, Mr President. Ye, here's the huge flashlight that
he's bigger than the previous flashlight that you requested. Thank you.

(46:09):
See that this is a guy who wants to keep
his debt. I mean that looks like the bat signal.
He's brought in something that's not a flashlight. How is
that bad? Bad? Let's turn it on and see what
kind of signal is here? Oh my god? Is that
not my face on the ceiling of the overfu. How
does that look great? It's wonderful. I feel like it's

(46:30):
burning my skin. I'm so sorry, but that's too bright
for indoor use. Maybe the guy I thought you would No, no, no,
I'm the guy. I'm the guy. We can have it out.
I just feel like this was me. Debbie, Debbie, Debbie, yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry.
Can you come in here and get Steve out of it?
Out of my face? Send in security please, that's the

(47:01):
sort of thing I need now. I want to wage
war and Argentina, who's gonna help me? I'll do it.
What will you do? Um? Well, I'll try to flight
and I'll just start throwing punches, all right, But first,
can we get somebody to turn on the power. There's
no lights and it's sending out the wrong signal. Mr
President of This is seven o'clock at night, so it's

(47:21):
a dog inside. It doesn't look good. Uh. I thought
this would have been brought to your attention. This the
oval office in the west wing is was condemned, So
we gotta we gotta move over to the east wind.
There's no there's not much power coming over. Do you
know how many buildings I own that have been condemned.
What he is I can't imagine endless. You know what

(47:42):
you do? You you drop him like a sack of rock.
That's right, You level the whole place stopped over. Yeah,
that's what we're gonna do it. We're okay, I'm gonna
get the helicopter whip up. I'm gonna go to my log.
We're gonna love it. You're gonna wrap up the Helicopter's
what I want to know. Okay, let me get somebody
on the wrap up the mean Well, they're on the

(48:04):
fucking lights already. Yeah, okay, can we get lamps in
here and get me the president and on the fucking pony, Yes, sir,
Mr President, I do not understand why you want to
go to work with Argentina. We have done nothing. We
have been we have been allies for a very long time.
This you you send out one tweet that is just

(48:24):
the it is just our flag and the word loser.
Did you even realize which country flag you were choosing?
What did you randomly just choose from the emoji list? Well,
I'll be honest, I did choose from the emoji list,
and I thought I chose correctly. Is it not your flag?
It is our flag. I thought maybe you just randomly

(48:46):
picked the country to call it, like I meant to
say Colombia with losers and I actually meant Colombia and
I picked the wrong flag. That's what you thought. Well,
there's no other explanation for why you would don't tell
me that to go to your recently used emojis and
to pick flag that happens to be there is something wrong. Okay,
because if you're telling me my president, alright, the president
that was elected picks an emoji and somehow we have

(49:08):
to go to war with the country, then so be it.
That's the power that that individual has. Now we gotta
go to commercial, but we'll be back right after this
at Fox News. The can you want to see, all right,
we're back, and the the idea that it's not anyone's uh,
you you have to look if international text rates apply.

(49:31):
All right. The Argentinian president accepted the text. He didn't
have to. Alright, yeah, it was a tweet, but you
text the tweet. It's it's letters that are on your phone. Okay,
So this is Steve and your ear throw it to
the video. We had the president from the Rose Garden
addressing the President. I'll do that one I want. Okay, now, now,
so the idea, the idea that these things aren't happening

(49:52):
is is just arbitrary to this the whole point of it.
It's a live feed. So just go ahead and cut
to Yeah, it's a live feed. When I say, it's
a love my feet and you know, the the idea
that this isn't that the thing is uh uh that
that that that the tweets, that the twimmer. If you

(50:14):
look at twimmer and you look at all the things
that are happening on there, it's chatter, right. Why can't
the president talk to people when he when he wants
to twim them? Oh my god, he's gonna blow guys
Fox News, what you want to see? Mr President? Before
you begin your remarks here in the Rose Garden, I
just I just need to let you know that one

(50:35):
of the Fox bots exploded just now on here. How's
that my problem? It just seemed like something you may
want to address people that know that they were bought.
So if they asked me a question about the facts,
but I say, yeah, I heard exploded. Yes, just just
acknowledged that you that you heard what happened? Are you
ready for this? Mr? President? Yeah? This president? Get another
sip off your drink. Oh gosh, this regular code, this

(50:56):
regular cook. Oh okay, So the President's gonna come up
in a bit, I feel. Any more questions until he comes?
How much longer until the president gets here? I don't know.
Maybe when he pisses himself? Anything else? Any other questions?
Any big plans for the weekend? Yeah, I got a
big plan for the weekend. I'm gonna I'm gonna let
a dump one out. Okay, warm up, guy, you're off
presidents here? Yeah? Yeah, thank you Roger from Fox? Is

(51:25):
it true the reason the powers out as you have
an outpaid the electricity bill and you're gonna connect guy
with the funny job lending from Fox Sports? Yeah? Mr President,
you have anything to say about the Fox thought that
exploded just a mere minutes ago? Just told about this,
By the way, a lovely dress. Uh? Mr President? Please

(51:48):
just answer the question. Be happy too. But I think
it's important that we all remember it's it's a bot, right,
so they don't always last. Sometimes you buy it cheap.
But and in this case, I'm gonna think Fox had
a cheap bot and it exploded boo boo boo. As
the president, you understand that it was a human man
who exploded on television. Yeah, I do, I do. I

(52:09):
We call them bots because they have bodies, I guess.
And uh, listen, we have the best bots okay in
America if you want, if you don't like our boats,
then go to another country. I don't care. Mr President's President. Yeah,
is it true that you are fast tracking a bill
that would outlaw darkness so if the power goes out again,
it will always be light? Fake knows? Next question, please,

(52:35):
Mr Presidents President? Why? Well? Why Argentina? Sir? And uh?
Is the situation escalating there? Well? The ciscin system there is,
as you know about his ask backwards as any country
has ever been? You ever't been there Argentina? No, Mr President,
I have not been Argentina clearly, Otherwise you would have
phrased your question differently, like why why have we waited

(52:56):
so long to bang Argentina? I'm right, Mr President? Are
you when you say bang Argentina, do you mean cause explosions?
Or I hate to use this kind of language in
a press conference, but I'm not freed. Are you trying
to funk Argentina. I don't I love the question. I
don't feel I understand why people feel the need to

(53:16):
read into whatever I say. You know, I can't say this,
I can't say that. Oh, bing bang, I'm making signs
and signals the people on the wrong side of the tracks.
Bing bang. I don't understand either. So I'm gonna say
shout out to Argentina. Would come in. I gotta get
on the helicopter. They then ask questions, No, that's it,

(53:40):
that's it, that's the Mr President. All right, Mr President,
we wrapped up the helicopter for you. Yeah, Mr President,
it's gonna be hard to take off for right, It's
gonna be real difficult, Mr President. You how to wrap
up the helicopter? Oh? I mean, I'm happy to take
the plane, sir. It's just a longer flight on the helicopter.
Why is it? Why is the helicopter? Well, you want
to take a helicopter to Argentina, and this helicopter has

(54:02):
recently been completely wrapped in in gift room. Why would
I want to take it Argentina and helicopter it's your helicopter, sir.
You want to go to Marlaga in Argentina, Mago. Well
you're going to Marlago, the one in Argentina or the
one in Florida. The one in Florida. Okay, well that
changes everything, That changes everything. Manifest is a little messed up.
Sorry about that, sir. Still, did you guys ever watched

(54:24):
The Apprentice? I had a catchphrase? I watched the one
with Arnold Swartzenegger had a catch phrase on the show.
I would like to to say to both of you,
is it? Is it what I think it is? Sir?
They're spaghetti on your shirt? Close? Okay, Okay, someone's gotta
unwrapped this helicopter. Then Stevie and Jeff, what the hell

(54:46):
happened to the helicopter? Is my alago? Well it was
a big mix up, sir. We're very very sorry. But
we've ordered in seven other helicopters in various states, so
one will hopefully meet your approvals. Right, And why are
there only six? But get to KFC on my desk.
I had one, you had one. I had one of
the boots. The truth is we can get another one

(55:07):
to replace that bucket, and it'll be even fresher when
you make your way to seven buckets at all times.
How many times I have to say that we're really sorry.
We were just going for a while and I just
got I got hungry in the one show towel. Well,
if you got hungry, that's okay. As Mr President, I
know it's Uh. You cannot declare war on Kentucky. Keep talking,

(55:28):
you cannot. You You were presented with six buckets of chicken,
and you just declared war on national television against Kentucky.
Kentucky is what I'm on your side? Mr Preston. The colonel,
it's Colonel Sanders. God, I've never seen it in person. Technically,
technically I'm a senator. You know what, fine, I'm Colonel Sanders.

(55:49):
Will that make it easier for you idiots? Oh my god? Colonel?
Can I ask you a couple of questions? Sure? Mr President?
What would be the worst thing that could happen if
I did level Kentucky? Uh? Well you do. We have
great cities like Louisville and Lexington. We would kill a
lot of people. I mean, you got bourbon. We do

(56:10):
have bourbon pretty much all in horses. Yes, we have
bourbon and horses. Answer the question. I'm answering the question.
I'm a Senate. I do, is I damn well? Please?
So if we wanted to move the bourbon and the
horses to the adjoining state and take that away from
Kentucky to Utah border, I can't. I can't believe that

(56:33):
I endorsed you. I can't believe I let you do
all the ship you do. Just well, let me ask
you another question. What are you willing to do for
me if I let Kentucky live? Are you holding Kentucky hostage? Mr? President?
Answer the question. I believe I've done all that I
can for you. I have grid locked, the Senate approved

(56:53):
your judges. Are you gonna poop your pants? Is that
what's gonna happen? You're gonna poop your pants? Is that right?
Your pants? It seems like he's gonna miss President. Did
you watch Nikki's shits on the Tonight Show last night?
Kids funny? It's funny, that's not funny? In this funny
and this kid's funny. If if I shipped my pants deliberately,
will you not level Kentucky and then we gotta do?

(57:14):
Then I, Senator Mitch McConnell of the Great State of
Kentucky shell in this very moment ship my pants. Yeah,
I know you're thinking, Okay, yeah, there's a report coming
out that Mitch McConnell ship his pants. Okay, now I
get it, all right, there's rumors flying everywhere. There's rumors
flying around that I piste and shipped my pants and
they're not true. And guess what if they are true?
So what that's a man's right, he's a senator. Okay. Second,

(57:38):
fucking wires and and if you know this from the
beginning to the end, you know that that humans have
a very sensitive body that that but sometimes poops it
out and something to piece it in. So it's not
a it's not a negative, it's a positive. Hold the
we gotta go to commercial and then we'll be right
back news. It's what you want to see, all right,
we're back, and it's it's it's the it's the idea

(58:01):
that these things that they're they're they're they're not there,
They're they're not Fox News. It's what you want to see. Ah,
we've lost another butt. What what are we doing doing?
The problem is that we don't have any advertisers anymore.

(58:21):
So when they're overheating because they're constantly in use. Usually
we used to have a break like two or three minutes.
Could I see the types of some auditions and we
can figure out who can replace this? Okay, okay, all right,
it's uh, show me whichever one you got. Okay, here
we go. I'm gonna push play on this. This one's
a little bit you'd say, over the top, let's play.

(58:44):
You know, hands are too expensive nowadays. If you've got
a price gun, you can make them one set. So
it's kind of a contextual joke. You know, it's a
believe it or not. A lot of the the host
anchor audition tapes are from comedians. Uh, that's great. This

(59:06):
job as a as a joke. Does that make sense?
It does? Let's show me one of them. Okay, another
one that was? Okay, another one, Well, this one's a
borderline offensive. Let me push play on this next tape
here for you. I used to work in children's television,
can you believe it? And then I went to rehabit
Real rock Bottom for Bailey's My Bailey's fans out there,

(59:29):
you know, thank you so much. I love it when
the studio crew applies me and then you know what
everyone's saying, my catch praise with me? Well we can
so it just feels like when we fire the kids,
is what I'm saying. Okay, I'll do it, I'll do it. Okay,

(59:51):
we'll bring her in for Monday. Can you please send
word to the White House that we're going to have
a new bot ready to go by Monday. Well, she's
still human. We'll have to gut her and then put
the robot pieces into. I thought that was just the
euphemism where we're using Oh no, no, no, no, it's
we have to take all the human pieces out and
put inside of it robot. Why do we have to
do that, because that's what makes them a robot. I

(01:00:13):
don't know what. I can't keep working like this is insane.
This is such a tight first schedule. I can't be
able to put some scenes inside the people. We need
this robot ready for Monday's news. Oh if you needed
for Monday's morning, No, da, Mr Mosk, I really need
you to finish this robots. So you really need me

(01:00:34):
to what are you know what? I'm gonna take a break. Hello,
when will you come home? Oh my god, it's my clone.
I'll come home in a bit. Missing you. I know
you are missing you. We're going to watch everybody loves
even No, you're not. You're not going to miss no.
I watch episode to get up with you. I'm gonna
skip ahead. Yeah yeah, I watch you calm on my watch.

(01:00:57):
If you skip ahead, I swear I would fucking drain
on pular jaw. I mean, maybe it's because you have
too many calls during the work that I just have
a multi billion dollar enterprise. I cages myself. What do
you do? How you give me messages? You smell like ship?
You know that. I'm sorry you should be. It's just

(01:01:18):
been a long weekend. I haven't got a chance to shower.
A lot abouts going up. I don't need to know.
I don't need to know, but I would like to
tell you to Okay, I'll do it this lady, I'll
put wires in okay, yeah, can we he read this up?
I'm half human and half robot over here? Yeah? Fine, okay, fine,
thank you? Yeah, so he did a German accident. You
called me Elon Musk? Is that which is happening? Said

(01:01:42):
Mr Musk? Could have been. I didn't hear the I
didn't hear myself speak out for today, Let's thank our
alchemists and no particular order Joey Workings. Find you. They
can find me at the West Side Comedy Theater. Gotta
show called Bear Supply wedstid Comedy Theater dot com. What's that?
Comedy dot com? Was every second and fourth Wednesday a

(01:02:05):
nine o'clock and you're on the social is at Jeffy
Greeper at Jebby Greeper any particular spelling or just folks
figure j e b b y g r e b
e R. I didn't get any of that. H James
Eeney Bear Supply with Joey. Also just go to the
real James c dot com. You'll find all my content

(01:02:25):
information there. Thank you so much for being here, both
of you. Mark Gag, Yes, I am on Twitter at
Mark GAG's uh the last Wednesday of every month. You
can see me at Dynasty Typewriter. Uh. And also Blood
and Treasure now streaming on Amazon Prime. Nice Amazon Prime.
Those are some good folks, right, aren't they? You really are.

(01:02:48):
Jenn Murray, thanks so much for joining us. Thank you
for having me so much damn fun working folks. Find
you and look up shows you might be doing. Uh,
second and fourth Wednesday before Bear Supply Comedy Theater. Stay
at all and then on the Grand Jennifer lyn Murray
one in in Lynne nice, very nice, and Carl Stratton. Yeah.
Also at the Westside Comedy Theater quite a bit, pretty

(01:03:10):
pretty pony first Thursday of the month at ten pm
with several people that you know from this podcast, and
how soon before your life turns to hell for uh
S Sketch Fest in January. It is about to turn
to that right now. Yeah, we're about to go. I
know this will be your long since passed but outside
Lance is coming up. Once that's done, then it's a
hardcore planning for the festival, right on, right on. Well,

(01:03:30):
thanks for joining us. As always, let's thank our engineer
the Stars Doug Babe and our post sound design artist
Raphael our producer Sophie Lichterman's of course I heart media.
I encourage I'll me to write a review. Tell everyone
you've ever met and write to us at your name

(01:03:51):
here talc me to this dot com. I'm Kevin Pollock.
Until next time, and food and a football pepper and

(01:04:23):
I pull