May 18, 2021 • 48 mins
Hard to find underground rave.
From Cormac McCarthy’s mind.
CIA agents.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Well, come back to what about me this COVID nine dish,
I mean your host, Kevin Pollard. Kiss that Kevin poll
with them. Well that's easy, Yeah, just take the temporary
away east until you had Jacksonville, Florida. No need to
thank you, but I digress. Let's meet in no particular orders.
Say nope, I was about to say, Chris Alvara here
(00:27):
darting hot. Wow, I couldn't make that. Well, what the
hell it's Jackie do? Ruth Queen Birthday Week favorite gifts
so far this year? Um, you know what? My husband
got me a normal like stationary bike. Um. And I'm
(00:47):
so excited because I used to use one that was
in this weird room on the roof of my old apartment.
Wait for it. Yeah, it was just like this creepy
room that just like held a bunch of ships from
the man Andrew who moved out a year ago, and
it was just as still there. So I took the
bike and during COVID that was like what I was doing.
But we moved and I've been talking about wanting to
(01:08):
go back and stealing it. Um, and I shouldn't say
that on record, and I didn't do it. So he
gat me my own and I'm so excited. Awesome, we
were looking for gift of sight. That's terrific. Thank you, okay,
and now a tool thing east side forever fella. How
(01:28):
many locations have you lived in since moving to Los Angeles? Oh,
that's interesting. I've only lived in three places, but I
have kept track of every address I've lived in since
high school. And I just have a word document where
I have kept each address just because when I lived
in New York, I moved a bunch a New York.
I think I averaged once or twice a year, because
(01:50):
there were some years where I moved a bunch. But
I don't know if people keep that, but I can
go back to every residence. Yeah, correct answer was three beginning. Yep. Hey,
there's Mark Gagliardi. Marcus. Have you been back to Disneyland yet?
(02:12):
How did you know? I was one of those people
that was sitting on April fift when they announced you're
gonna be able to get tickets at eight o'clock in
the morning. I got up super early. I tried to
get in the queue and there and I followed Twitter
that whole day because there was one little spinning graphic
(02:33):
that everyone was staring at all day. Did you do
the same like you had also done that. I was
so excited to think that someone else here had that
same miserable experience of watching a goat with a stick
of dynamites head tilt back and forth for about six
hours while it said I was in line. Yeah, it's
(02:54):
not very Disney. And the outcome, the outcome, it's uh,
it's the best time ever were in the world to go.
I think I waited like five minutes for even all
the big rides. We were there Saturday, same experience, unbelievable.
Everybody's super nice. Everybody's happy to be back. Everyone that
you walked past, normally they'd say have a magical day.
Now they say welcome home, which was very sweet. Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
(03:19):
it's pretty great. I went on Rise of Resistance for
the first time. Jamie. Jamie posted video of me losing
my ship on our Instagram feed if anybody wants to
see it. It's genuine and I really did lose my mind.
It is spectacular. Yeah yeah. Uh. And last, but just
the water from the hose. If you think of least,
it's Joey Greer oddly small hands. Uh, what's your favorite
(03:43):
dish to cook. Oh my gosh, I really would. I don't.
I don't like the term cooking. I don't like the
cooking because there there's a lot of history with cooking,
and it's just I don't like what what I like
to say. Um so a couple of dishes. Actually, So
when when you're when you're in the kitchen, the first
thing that you want to do that I like to do,
that you're gonna want to do now because this little
(04:05):
tip of the hat trade that I got here is
right when you enter every kitchen, this is true. This
is true. Every kitchen has the exact same layout. You don't,
I know, you don't believe me. Go into any kitchen
right now, and you're gonna see on your huh am,
I right? Are you? Right? Am? I looking on my right.
(04:29):
Let's do a damn show. All of our scene suggestions
gathered from your listener emails are from our patron v
I pays to become a patron supporter of the show
and enjoy content and other perks like video Joey. Head
on over to patron dot com slash Alchemy do this
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Please right to the podcast at our new email address.
(04:51):
That's Alchemy. This email at gmail dot com, that's Alchemy.
This seen one comes from Patreon alcomaniac Kevin Pratto, who wrote, Hello,
you wonderful people. You're all amazing. But Chris is the man.
What a shame. He don't tell him? No one tell
(05:15):
him he does not need the boost. Give him all
your lunch money or else. I'm not gonna do that either.
Scenes of Justin trying to find the underground Rave that
is somewhere downtown, your biggest fan, KP. I know it's
round you somewhere. Man, Oh my god, this be sick. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
(05:36):
Can we just slow up for a moment. It's been
for forty minutes. We haven't found it yet, but I'm
confident if it could just slow down a little. Seemed
like you're in a hurry to find something we don't
know where it is, and of course I don't know
where it is. Man. We've got finest. It's supposed to
be the hardest underground rave. That's why I want to
(05:59):
save some enter you for when we get there, right,
We're gonna have so much to trust me. I know,
swamp Monster is on the ones and twos spinning all night.
It's gonna be nuts, Tommy, Tommy, can you hand me
another bottle from the baby bag please? This one's empty. Okay,
we're brave. We're running low. Alright, we're running low. I
(06:25):
was going to wait until we got to the club,
but it didn't. You're forgot to get there at this point.
I did bring a molly. What I brought molly? Let
me see it. Well, it's just this, It's just this pill,
and there's molly in there. There's molly in that capsule.
I dropped it. It's not a glass. I mean it's
(06:51):
close to eat it off the floor. God, damn it, dude.
I think it's in the sewer here, help me pick
this great up. Oh God, where it is out? Oh? God,
seward it's it, God, Holy ship, yunker. You're use a hernia.
Maybe we can use it to fish it like your stomach,
(07:15):
just like like a fishing line. Just kind of cast
it out. That's how this works, Tommy. Your baby still
needs a bottle, all right, Listen, I just need a
ball's water and I can stalk spinning the music. But
when of the crowd's getting there crowds aren't due till midnight.
What kind of water would you like bought water still
and flattess it wouldn't be great one of each, of course,
(07:37):
of course. Yeah, yeah, let's do two of It's just
make sure you know. We really can't thank you enough
for for playing tonight. We were both just just such
huge fans, such huge fans. It's it's a pleasure as
long as anything you need, alright, I mean we'll give
you double of whatever you need anytime. Thanks, Thanks, Terris,
appreciate it. But I just I love music. I love
(08:00):
saying people dance and jump and uh let's you know,
I just have one question, just some If you're going
to pull the chuck berry, can we can we do
it now just to kind of get it out of
the way. Uh No, No, I can't. I can't pull
the chuck bear right now. Yes, when you pull the
chuck berry late into the evening, it it's been problematic before. Look,
(08:22):
I'm just saying, I'm I'm just we love having you here.
We're gonna give you double of everything you want. It's
amazing having you here. We're just so grateful. Just please
do the chuck berry before actually yeah, I'm an artist, right,
you don't say, you don't tell, you don't tell. The
Banks said, hey, don't paint on this wall. And I
know Banks, right, I know it might come to yea,
um what whoa bonus? Wait Banks, He's like like, reveal himself,
(08:47):
come tonight. I couldn't tell you if he's here, but
he might be in the audience. And but oh yes,
it's pretty simple, all right. The bottom of the flashlight.
That's who light is, all right, bus bar right here
clicking on turns it on? All right? Yeah, check I
D s A. You're gonna make sure one stands in
this line, do not block the sidewalk, saying put the
(09:08):
flashlight under the I D. Yeah, huh, all right. If
you can see the flashlight under the I D, it's
probably not a real idea. It's probably just a piece
of paper. Really, I was aiming the flashlight downward. Well
what does that do? What does the dude to shine
the light on top of it? Obviously, right, but if
(09:28):
you hold the flashlight just two tough shouldn't be able
to see it under you know, I'm using the light
from my phone anyways, I don't really have a holy ship.
What Is that a customer Android? Yeah, that's the I
Phone seventeen Android. Wow. Wow wow. Yeah, I'm kind of
a tech head too. I'm gonna check out my phone.
(09:53):
Christian forgot my birthday. He put him like he didn't,
but he did. He forgot my birthday. No, this is
the big one, nine twenty nine. No, still twenty nine,
it's been twenty nine. It's always how did how did
(10:17):
you forget your last twenty ninth birthday? The twenty ninth
birthday before that, the twenty ninth birthday six years ago?
And honestly, Cheryl, he comes home with a gift back,
so I think it's for me, and so I'm like
so excited and he's like, oh, I guess you can
open it, but it's not for you. I'm like, what
the are you talking about? And it's a fucking custom Android,
(10:37):
which I'm so sorry. Your Calamari Margarita's Calamari Callamari Margarita.
I wanted, I want. I wanted it with the saltman.
You know, we'll just it's fine, it's fine, I'll just
turn it over. And this is just lick mine. Don't
turn it over, Okay? Can I get another woman? Yeah? Yeah, sure,
(10:57):
we'll just eat this calamari off the table. Thank you.
I am so, I'm so well. At least he got
you a big present. But it's custom engraved with his
fucking name on it. It was for himself, Cheryl. Cheryl,
Is this the twenty ninth year when I break up
with him? Help me? I because he's he's the cutest
(11:23):
one you've had in all of the twenty nines. Hey, babe,
that was you dinner with Cheryl? It was really insightful.
Can you get out of the way. I'm just trying
to get to the Can you just put it on
the toothbrush. Stop doing with your finger, you know, it's
(11:44):
just it's gross. M sorry, what nothing? You know what? Nothing? Yeah,
I'm in a bit of a mood tonight. What happened?
We didn't bring the waiter, brought the wrong column, I martini,
there was no salt rim We ended up for you
(12:05):
all over the place. Oh my god, are you crying? No?
I just I said what happened like I meant it
and I didn't, And I just feel horrible. You know what,
year it's super fine, right, Okay, look at these ads,
(12:28):
don't don't You're hard to look at because you're so
fucking hot, right, but but you don't give me like
you don't fulfill me. You don't give me what I
need in every coming at you're coming at me. I'm
your girlfriend. It's been four years. If I hear bro
(12:53):
Cheryl worry even you freaking smell like raw fish? Well
I was. I was out with Erlen. She's had another
one of the twenty ninth birthday disaster. Are you still
hanging out with her? Yes, she's been my best She
has been my best friend our whole lives. We were
in the womb together. We had that room trade. We
(13:15):
were in a magazine. Since then, when you're in a
magazine with someone that young, it sticks with you and
we will be friends forever. So she can do whatever
she wants because we womb shared and we're in a magazine.
I'm not saying she can't do anything she wants. I
don't care what she does, That's what I'm saying. Sure,
you could have so many better friends. The friend I
(13:35):
introduced you to Becca, don't Becca, I don't you introduced
me to these friends of yours. I swear you only
hang out with these others just so that I look
better by comparison. Is that what it is? Is that?
What it is? Bryce? Is that Rice? Rice? Is that
what it is? I will leave you. I've never been
in a magazine with you. Bryce. I will leave right now.
(13:58):
I look, I don't know how far it is, but
if we follow, the sewer line might pop up on
top of the god damn you know whatever club it
was supposed to be underground. Okay, whatever they don't know.
We can look, we can follow Bianca's stomach lining if
you want to get back out. Okay, don't think I'm
gonna make it, guys, come on, Bianca. See that looks
just a couple more feet. We're gonna be this supposed
(14:18):
to be the best party all the sensory. How do
your baby is crying and it's Molly is supposed to
sprout hands. It looks like that Molly is sprouting hands.
I don't know what's in her stomach. What do you
want me to do? Just leave her here, we'll come
get her all the way out. Leave me, leave me. No, No,
I meant my daughter. I didn't mean you. And that
scene one you're soaking in it scene too comes from Carl,
(14:46):
who is a patriot. I that chose to utilize the
new email and send this suggestion with it, and I
thank him for that. Carl wrote, to my favorite cuttier
of contemporary comedians and the pleasant dist actions you provide.
My scene suggestion is from Carmack McCarthy, the writer of
(15:06):
No Country for Old Men, or Cormack who wrote quote
there's no such thing as life without bloodshed. The notion
that the species can be improved in some way, that
everyone could live in harmony is a really dangerous idea.
Those who are afflicted with this notion, or the first
(15:27):
ones to give up their souls their freedom. Your desire
that it be that way will enslave you and make
your life vacuum. Is May you all live well and easy.
Carl Davis from San Diego. Alright, so we're just gonna
need to refill in the Calamari's and then, uh, just
(15:47):
make sure the margarita machine is working on. Cormack. Just
put a smile on your face, all right. Put everyone
wants to see people happy. Put a smile on your face.
It's a good job. Good job, Um, you know what
a good job is. Yeah, out on the trail hunting
wild beasts. That the only thing between you and life
(16:10):
is your own wits and your ability to survive. If
you want to quit, quit, I can have fifteen different
people in here who want to be a waiter at
the number one restaurant in Phoenix. Okay, I can't quit, why, Jim,
I gotta pay rent? All right? Well, and I can't
quit all right? Well, let me check. I gotta take that.
(16:35):
Take it. Don't by the way, here hold my bowie knife.
Don't bring that. Told you not to bring this. Don't late.
So um, carmacke says, your last job, things didn't go
so well. Why why you rebilitate yourself? Why but why
should we hire you here at the old Chuck Oh
the cheese hmm, looks like you gotta roaded infestation. Nope,
(17:00):
that's a that's a cartoon road in, Cormack. We're here
to make people happy. Isn't that what you want to do?
And that's why you wanted to play the spread again.
You have to play to spread to children. You know what,
This might not work, This might not be the best
spot for you, Mr McCarthy. Carmack. Just looking at your
resume here, it looks like you were at Chucky Chases
(17:20):
for a day. Before that, you were at Ballard's in
Phoenix for two weeks. Um, what the what makes you?
What makes you David Buster's material? Well? See, uh, you've
got a lot of people running around here with long
pieces of I don't know, cardboard, perforated edges stuck together.
(17:41):
Am I wrong? The tickets? Are you talking about tickets?
We don't come whatever you want. We don't do the
tickets anymore. Did you look at did you come out?
Have you been to the spressnom before? I don't think
it's gonna work out, Carmack. The rents been due for
three months. It's been due for three months. You gotta
get out, you gotta you gotta hit the road. Okay,
(18:04):
you gotta get out. Okay, great, as long as you
get it then, Uh, I'm just gonna leave you to it.
Thank you. So I'm just gonna leave you to it.
I can stay if you want. I don't want that. Um,
I do want you to leave you having paid the
rent in three months and I won't collect. I won't
collect as long as you're gone and within seventy two hours.
(18:26):
And I think that that's a fair trait, especially from me.
I can survive my life. Oh, What's what's going on?
The amount of blood shed out of my body right
now is not right. Man. I'm gonna need you to
stop moving around so much. Your arm is squirting at
the wall over here. Thank you trying to pat up
(18:48):
so sorry, Thank you, thank you so much. You know
I've even I've got home nurses here with me. I
mean the carnage that I've seen. You know, I work
at Jersey Mix. Know this pass my resume alone, Absolutely not,
absolutely not. I can't vouch for you. You don't. I'm
(19:11):
literally evicting you right now. And honestly, I wouldn't want you.
I wouldn't want anyone that I know to have that
kind of job, because I did fall into the deli
slicer and got my arm right off, massive deli slicer,
in masi slicer. Tiny arm, very painful, but I just
go through it, don't you understand, Mr Armstrong. We could
(19:33):
make the world's largest deli slicer. We'd be in a
Guinness Book, a record right here for Cincinnati largest deli slicer.
First of all, Hank, sit down, please, I've only got
a few minutes. I promised your sister that I would
sit down and talk with you. Look, I love her
(19:56):
and she's still crazy about her little brother. But yeah,
did that we would build a slicer that could accommodate
a human arm You see where I'm having trouble with
this god of size is as slices we can make, right,
Mr Armstrong? Did you talk to my brother? Yeah? Yeah
(20:17):
I did. And you don't need to call me Mr.
It's fun for me. Even just the sweetest, smartest, most intelligent,
handsomest man you ever met, don't you just want to
give him everything ever? You know? I listen, honey, when
we met, you told me you were crazy about your brother.
But I didn't absolutely cookoo banannas for him. I'm strong, baby,
(20:38):
listen to me for a second year. I think you're sweet, missus.
She's boring her brother, if you know what I mean,
what are you talking about? I'm talking about your lady,
the lady that you sleep with, you know, your wife. Yeah,
I think she's going hunky dory with her blood brother
cuckoo bananas. I mean, tell me about it. He makes
my clips so hard it hurts. Now I'm not sure
I understand all the vernacular of the girl is today.
(21:00):
That's just me trying to explain how much I love
my brother, just normal Yeah, sure, sure, so listen, squeet pee,
I was hoping maybe you could run down to the
corner and get me a pack of smokes in a
six pack. Anything for you, as long as you do
anything for me and my brother, Yeah, my brother, Yeah,
(21:21):
of course. What kind of cigarettes do you want? Just
a pack? Yeah, I got I got a bunch of
brands here. Okay, I'll take one pack. I just needed
you want Camel's Marble with the kind that you smoke,
the kind of that that a man smokes. Man smokes, yeah,
kind of a man. A man smokes, very tall man,
very small pey, and I want to want him to
(21:42):
be able to smoke a good cigarette. Tall man, small peeny,
good tushy. And that's the kind of man that I
need an idea. I'm sure if I understand everything you're
saying in your vernacular. Well, I'm trying to get a
recommendation from you because I don't normally get smokes myself.
I'm sorry to a can I put up these show
posters on the on the window here? What do you saying?
(22:06):
It's a show poster just for a rave Okay, I
thought you said as a sale poster. Suh. What's the
what's the rave called? It's called the Best Underground? Yeah,
I've heard it. Yeah, I put him up on the
wall post A boy. Can I ask you a personal question? Yeah? Sure?
(22:28):
You just you look so much like my brother and
I loved him so much. I don't feel a connection
with you. Do you feel it with me? No? No,
not really. You want to take hurting my shoulder? Hurting
my shoulder? How do my store? Who has who has
(22:50):
put these posters over my fresh spray paint? Well, there's
a rave tonight wraps Banks. He would like to visit
this rave Banks. He was trying to paint. Stop painting
because poster went up over Banks. He's working now. All
Banks you can think about is attending. Yeah, the dead
bodies over here? Okay, yeah, yeah, sure, I'm totally fine,
(23:14):
totally fine. Uh. This this body right over here with
the sheet over it, sir, sir, that the old thing
it was. I'll talk to this guy, sir, I'll talk
to this guy. You saw it, you saw that. Wait,
what are these flyers you're carrying around? So so you
(23:36):
saw the I'm sorry, you're a promoter. Then is that
what it is? Yeah, I mean I get hired out
to do this. Everybody just throw a poster or whatever. Man,
but you should have seen that. You should see it
was nut. It was nuts. So I don't know. The
guy kind of looked like me, but he just like
went after he's attacked this woman. It was crazy. Containing
this is my sister and my sister. We're gotta get
the Delhi machine. We gotta get the big gas Delhi
machine because your your husband, Mr Armstrong, he said he
(23:57):
was gonna make it. It was nuts. It was nuts.
It was not so not just bad bad the thing
I saw. The thing I saw was bad as hell.
I mean not like in a good were not like
it was bad. You got a lot of blood on
your shirt. Huh oh yeah, So DJ is playing this?
(24:17):
Hey wait a minute, where are you going? I want
to know which DJ is playing? Oh gosh, I gotta
take down all these posters. Oh come on, No one's
gonna want to move into this Shangri l off. It
looks like a shack. Absolutely not. Come on, and you attendant,
we're willing to throw down fourth Thal for a one bedroom,
(24:38):
Come on, Mr Mr Geneva I'm just curious. Yeah, there's
a couple of workout equipment things up in the attic.
We use no um there like the ax You don't
want to use the ax. Um you could use um well,
(24:58):
you could take the chance on the Nordic track, but
honestly it's a bit cursed. What about the mace right
next to it? Can we use that swinging around? That's
gotta be a good body workout. Yeah. Well, half of
them are weapons, and half of them are are meant
to be working out. And the weapons are just there
to be weapons. The weapons are just there to be weapons.
Oh no, it's opening up. I'm so sorry. Sorry, I'm
(25:21):
so sorry. I think it's from pulling down those posters. God,
you know what, you just to make up for all
the blood, you can use whatever you want in the attic.
Just go fuck go fuck you know what? You know
what Mrs Geneva. Okay, core mac as am I saying
that right? Yeah you did, okay, just going over, Yeah
(25:45):
you did, Okay. You said something about living in harmony
was a way to to lose freedom, that's right, huh.
Once we just give up the idea that we're all
trying to kill each other. Right, that's when you start
(26:05):
to really die. Got you? Okay, Well, this is a
McDonald's and we're doing it for us. You're killing everybody
just right, right, So we have things called the happy meal,
and um, you understand the concept of that, right, mm
hmmm do you? Every time a child looks inside, they
(26:26):
see a small mirror which I've shattered, and they see
a reflection of themselves. And as they reach in to
grab a small chicken nugget or maybe one of those
fries or whatever, they'll cut themselves in a small little
blood fall and they'll see the reflection covered bo. Yeah. No,
it's good, it's good. It's just um, it doesn't jive
with corporate mentality. If I could use such a term
(26:50):
in your presence? Also, did you get the presence that
we sent? I did, right, I didn't realize it was
your birthday. I'll take a number two with the side
of can I get a mix of fries and onion rings?
This isn't a burger king. I can't have it my way.
(27:12):
Then I'll just take the number two as is with
a large coke and you got packs of smokes. This
isn't a burger king. You can't have it my way. Okay,
then I'll just take the number two large coke, and
what I do have is two wolf belts. I gotta
(27:39):
be at the wrong place. This is McDonald's. Okay, then okay, um,
I'm gonna skip the wolf pelts. You don't want the
wolf pelts, I'll take them. I mean you did so
(27:59):
you apology means nothing. I just didn't want somebody else
to take those wolf pelts. Go ahead, finish your order
number two with a loge coke. And if you you
don't have any packs of smokes, but if you could
just six skin carcasses a squirrel uncooked, you want that.
(28:21):
So you're telling me the reason you're laid for work
this morning. It's not because you like always stopped at McDonald's,
but because you were attacked by two wolves that you
had the skin. That's why you're telling me you lay
for work today. Well again, they got confusing because the
wolves that was a wolf? Does that make sense? I
(28:44):
bought it. I did go to the wolf prove that
a wolf would think you are a wolf. I just
opened up my back here, I put this on. If
the sleeves on, yeah, yeah, bring this headpiece. Oh, that is.
That is weird. How much you look like a wolf?
(29:07):
Now put the call out. There should be wolves here
in seconds. Wait a minute, that's not what I wanted.
Did you hear that lame human wolf comb? H m hmm.
It's words are having to go check it out. Guys,
(29:32):
let's not go because I got I got one. Molly, Molly,
don't don't go. Hum once a mind a proudern of
the sword? What is it true? Doctor? This is amazing.
I mean from the foots where we receiving, the wolves
(29:54):
are exhibiting behavior I've never seen before. They're rubbing up
on each other. Uh, they're just your close watching rabbits.
What are you doing? I don't want to Okay, I
like the predators. I told you that. Okay, finished, finish
your report. I mean I always on rabbits. Everyone gets
a change it. But every time I come in, I
(30:15):
always get the rabbits. I always get rabbits. I hate
you kill you know you don't talk? You know No,
I'm your boss here, I'm not your dad. I'm your
boss here. Finish your report. Jeff, tell me about the
g D wolves. Well, they were dancing and like really
(30:37):
erratic patterns. It seemed like they set up some LED
lights as well as strobe lights. Uh yeah, they had
these like the best way I can put them in
like baby suckers. You know those are like babies suckers, said,
you suck These wolves are not sucking on babies. I
don't know. Okay, I don't know. I don't want the
(30:57):
tools for it. Me there fine, Well that has seen too.
I'm sorry. We's their confusion on the word pacifier. Oh
that was my favorite moment ever. Scene three comes to
(31:19):
us from Patroon v I P. Patrick C, who wrote,
high all long time, first time listening to you guys
while I'm deployed overseas, and you make the days go
by better. Yes, woe indeed, thank you for your service.
That's got to be him. Now, I actually worked with
(31:39):
one of the intelligence agencies. You guys. I'm still gonna
continue if you don't mentioned all the time who intelligence agencies?
And I have a scene suggestion. Brand new intern of
the CIA continues to get mistaken for another employee and
keeps getting assigned more more dangerous and deadly assignments. Pat again, Pat,
(32:06):
thank you for your service. All right now just wait
here Okay, I have your forms. I'm gonna be able
to process them quickly. Once I return, we'll be able
to get your ID badge, and then we'll put you
right over into the forming. Don't follow you, don't follow
you when you go process them. You want me to
wait here. That's exactly what I want you to do.
All right, once you get your ID bads, you're gonna
(32:26):
going to the farm yard. You understand, I do understand.
I just don't understand the part about wait here. What
don't you understand? Well? Kind of enjoying your company, and
if you're headed to another part of the building, I'd
kind of like to go. You're a funny guy. I
like that You're gonna go far here. You have a
lot of sense of humor here. Thank you, sir, Thank you, sir.
(32:47):
I appreciate you doing here a joke? Sure do what
do you call two different light bulbs? Lights? All right,
I'm gonna be back. Oh my god, Oh my god,
is that its Thunder? Oh yeah, that looks like Mitch Thunder.
That looks looks like Thunder. For sure. I thought Mitch
Thunder was dead. I thought that he retired and moved
(33:09):
to St. Bart's and didn't tell anyone, anyone to the secret.
Yeah of course the official line is think he was dead.
But yeah, of course he went to St. Barts. Maybe
he's back. Is this a special assignment? Yell McK thunder
and Seefie turns Mick Funder. Yeah, yeah he did. He
just looked over shoulder, just looked over. Maybe he's back
(33:31):
from I'm back on the dead thing. Maybe he's back
from the debt. Oh like, it's zombie Mick Funder. Like
it's zombie Mick Thunder like to get revived. Oh my god,
thank god, because I gotta say, I've been looking for
someone to do this Philippine infiltration, and zombie McK thunder
sounds perfect. Honestly, I I'm too. I've flubbed too much.
(33:53):
I couldn't do it. I don't know why they don't
get no, don't it's not about It's not about that
last time. It's not about that last time. I remember
the last time. You keep bringing up the last time.
It's not about that last I killed five people that
were on our side. You shouldn't have been done. It
was on television. Yeah, it was really bad. It was
(34:14):
not good. So you're not offended if we get made
funder to do it. Honestly, it'd be great for me.
Let's do it. Okay, you take the reins. I'll yell
his name and see if he turns. It's totally him.
He totally you know what. I'm gonna catch him later.
I'll just be in the back seat of his car.
That's how we'll do. I'll just do that. C I
(34:35):
a thing where you wait in the back seat of
their car until they turn their rear view mirror. Okay, um,
I'll hide in a Manila envelope and you can pass
me to him. That's perfect. I've got to talk to
the props people and get a big one, mate. Yeah,
you're gonna need a well look, well, I'll walk down
to a props with you. The eagle flies on Tuesday.
(35:00):
The door opens for most. All right, let's go, let's go,
let's go. Here's your gun. Alright, here's your underwater scuba gear.
He'll be able to go real fast underwater. Now, remember
Hades only about two five miles away underwater, but with
the fishes dangerous. Now, you're not going to hate it.
You know where you're going. It's all on the chip
in your head. All right, here's the key. It's a
(35:21):
LAMBERKINI I don't know why they're giving it to you,
but they're giving it to you. All right, listen starts
now at that ends in twelve hours. I do I do?
What was your name? Just testing? Just testing your man?
They're good. I like man who likes to be funny. Now,
let's debrief you as quickly as we can. Do you
understand that Mr Armstrong is running a large arms dealing
(35:42):
outside of his Cleveland, Cincinnati factory. We need to go
underwater as quickly as possible and swim all the way
to the center of Ohio. Inside you'll find a small
hatch deep down within the sewer systems. Follow that hatch
you'll find some human intestines. That means you're on the ride.
Drath Okay, your name real quick, Hey, Mick Thunder. When
(36:06):
you've done here, can you look the Philipining extracts no
thought of him, so you must be my contact. What's
going on? Crazy? They just put anyone in the CIA
these days. Huh oh yeah, shut I guess we're talking
(36:29):
on my bedside. Fucking ass. Now, this pack of cigarettes
are mine, all right? Tell how many sticks are in there,
so don't smoke any all right, one missing, I'm gonna
snap your dick off, and I'm gonna smoke that instead.
Copy in the uh in the in the document we're
(36:53):
supposed to fill out, it said we're only allowed two
hundred cigarettes and said, so I think twenties sticks times ten.
I think it's a carton. So I brought a great asshole. Oh,
we can smoke as much as we are. See, didn't
didn't read that? Have you ever done operations in Ohio? Yes?
(37:16):
I swam the Eurie to get into Cleveland, Cincinnatis. Listen, asshole,
I don't like people who bragged me. I swim a
whole bunch of places, a lot of times, a lot
of distances. Next time I hear you talk about swimming,
I'm gonna snap off your arms and I'm gonna smoke
your dick. The fella who took a guy's face and
more it as his own, just for kicks, Yeah, that's right, right.
(37:39):
Have you never seen the movie Face's Off? Yep, that's
what I was a good movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Now
listen before we do this, Welcome to Turkey. I'll be
your lifeline here. You can come to me for anything.
I'm mostly costumes for the CIA, but um, I can
help you a little bit with a little bit it,
(38:00):
a little bit with a little bit of other things
if you need it on your journey, on your mission. Yeah,
we do. My buddy here is gonna need a whole
other outfit. And what how about are we're working with
a kind of outfit? What kind of outs are we
looking for? Honestly, I want something revealing but modest. He's
(38:22):
gonna have to go deep, deep into the Turkish government. Wonderful. Okay,
right now, I'm being really really inspired by the Renaissance movement,
and I really enjoy a long skirt on a man.
I think that that's something that is not appreciated as
much as it should be due to the airiness and
the amount of mobility as well as the you know,
(38:46):
humble aspect of it. It It does its cover a lot um.
So that's what that's That's kind of where I'm going for,
That's kind of where I'm at. So I'm gonna work
on that. Ce Tristan props all out Turkish men here,
all of us right right, a pro Turkish man. We
will now sing the Turkish song of my my assistant
(39:10):
is telling me that one of us here is not.
Let everybody go around, say your name and your hometown.
I will start. My name is Kola and I am
from Whole Your turn, I'm Dave from his stand Bull. No, okay,
(39:33):
Dave's definitely I know his family. He's pore Turkish to
the bone. If I don't know anybody, I spit on
anybody who thinks he's not Turkish. Next, I'm An from
constantin Nople and he's oh salt. This guy, his dad,
he stud he went to jail ten years in Istanbul
then and constant Nople, he's Turkish. Next, I'm Tina and
(39:58):
I'm from star Stuffing you no good. The whole family
comedians just amazing, good history, good lineage Turkey. Next, you're
you're director. We have some concerning news. It seems the
(40:23):
operation in Turkey as well as Ohio has gonna rye.
It's it's not going well. Right. You know what a
rhyme means? I didn't. I didn't mean. What does a
rhyme mean? I mean? In what way? Is it not
going awry? Um? Well, that's a hard question. How's it going?
(40:47):
How's it going? Right? I guess it's going right that
they got there. I don't know. Uh, you're telling me
that's the only way in which this this mission went
right was that they arrived. That's all you can tell
me that's good about this mission. There's nothing else, No
small thing that went right, no big thing that went right. Nothing. Um, well, something, sir,
we actually have some intell that there is a new Bankski.
(41:10):
I'm sorry, I knew what banks Ski bank Ski? Do
you mean banks the artist or bank Ski the the
international terrorists? Because if it's the Polish international territory at
terrorists bank Ski, we're in trouble. If it's banks then
that just means more delightful street art. I meant the terrorist.
(41:31):
I meant the terrorist. Damn it. I thought that was
what you must have meant. You know who we could
use right now? Uh, this is welcome to the Meeting
of the International Terrorists. Um. We will start by singing
our International Terrorists song. Uh. Oh, my assistant is telling
me that one of us is not an international terrorist.
(41:54):
What do you mind? We're all evil people here. Have
you anyone seen Mortal Komba? I'm okay, you won't. Okay,
he's the first one of the most original international tourists.
He's definitely an interest. That's not not you kind of
David am definitely here. Banks he's here, of course, yes,
(42:20):
Banks he's here. Was bank Ski supposed to be here
because banks c is here? Oh? I have a rave
to get to. Oh my god, this is the real deal.
Can you can you get us in to the rave?
If you really want to do the rave, I can
(42:40):
get you into the Rave. I feel like we've been
waiting in this car for a really long time. I
don't think that he's coming out here. Envelope suit is
hot as hell. Yeah. Oh, I've been sitting here in
the backseat, just waiting. How are you? I'm so sorry.
Supposed to be comfortable, man, I'm not comfortable at all.
(43:03):
We're gonna have to tow this car and we'll have
to dumping in the ocean car yet, how is We've
been waiting for weeks? Now? What did he do? Swindown?
And it's like, is the mission that we're trying to
have him take over? We might not even have a
(43:26):
Philippine extraction to do anymore, and then we're together and
that would matter. Yeah, I'm so sorry you're stuck in
that Manila costume. But it's just get kind of like
dropping down to the ocean. Just drive the old thing.
I think we're being I'm calling this press conference to
(43:48):
order CIA today. I'm calling this a hang out no
New York Times. We'll get to you in just a second. Okay.
We want to start by saying that we've lost to
CIA agents today. Um, can we get the names? Can
we get the names? Person? Last name? Can you spell
thou at least New York Posts? You know I can't.
(44:08):
I cannot give you the names as nicknames. How my
nicknames Toothy and Grins. And that's one person. And then
the other person was jumps Um Jumps was. We'll be honest,
not the best and the brightest of our team, but
still agents. And so we will be um giving them
(44:31):
a proper, proper, proper morning. And we have some art
commissioned in their honor. And I'm going to reveal that
right now, Ages been adh this is this is I
(44:56):
was told us a live exhibit. This is an international
peris that's right in the national series, kind of stuck
in sort of plexiglass box forever. Oh then we got him.
Oh good, then we got him. Let's thank our alchemist
(45:19):
and in my absence, thank them, especially UM starting with
Jackie d ruth Ay, Thank you so damn much taking
time away from birthday week spend some time with us.
Thank you for having me. It's so fun a celebratory time. Yeah, indeed,
and folks should go to UM your Instagram feed for
Oh yeah, I'm not Jackie d Ruthie, And that's that's
(45:41):
pretty much where I do most of most of my work.
Your comedic shenanigans are available there. Yes, and happy birthday indeed,
thank you. Speaking of birthday's Mark gangli Artie, Yeah, when
do you celebrate yours? Two weeks ago? O? On of
a bitch? We missed it and what did you do?
(46:01):
It's my It's okay, it's my birthday quarter chord right now. Yeah,
and uh you know we're doing doing real well and
birthday quarter earnings are up. That's not true. Uh, I'm good,
life's good. It's Max fun drive right now. We got
this with Mark and Hall is my podcast with how
(46:22):
Lublin and Blood and Treasures coming back this summer. Yeah
it is. Yeah, super excited for it, very very excited
and excited to see your face again. So thanks for joining.
Thanks man, same to you a tool sing thanks. It's
always so nice to be here. I always appreciate the
opportunity you can follow me at a tool time A
(46:42):
t U L T. I Amy still looking forward to
people to hit me up who have listened, So just
do that. Just trying to connect. Okay, we appreciate that.
And uh those uh fighting the good fight in India. Yeah,
I just meant low anybody don't reach out. Yeah no,
(47:03):
we we're hip to to your efforts to round out
some people from India who live in Los Angeles. And
I think that's pretty want some people to watch movies
with yep, Joey career. Check out alchemy this on Instagram
and we gotta read it. Alchemy. I don't I don't
(47:24):
know who moderates it. I don't have any dealings with it.
Scares me, you don't. That's a scary place. But check
that out that people are talking about stuff that who knows,
just who knows. James isn't here. So let me just say,
please have a moment like subscribe, leave a review. It matters,
it helps, And I think that's all he wanted me
(47:46):
to say. God bless us all everyone and let's thank
our engine into the stars, even though he isn't with
us on this particular routing. Mr doug Bane, fine folks
that I heart media. I'm your host, Kevin Pollock, thanking
you all in reminding you to please be kind to
each other. It's the easiest way, easiest route, and where
(48:07):
the masks when you go outdoors for goodness sake? Uh?
Double vaxed and waxed until next time.
Well, come back to what about me this COVID nine dish,
I mean your host, Kevin Pollard. Kiss that Kevin poll
with them. Well that's easy, Yeah, just take the temporary
away east until you had Jacksonville, Florida. No need to
thank you, but I digress. Let's meet in no particular orders.
Say nope, I was about to say, Chris Alvara here
(00:27):
darting hot. Wow, I couldn't make that. Well, what the
hell it's Jackie do? Ruth Queen Birthday Week favorite gifts
so far this year? Um, you know what? My husband
got me a normal like stationary bike. Um. And I'm
(00:47):
so excited because I used to use one that was
in this weird room on the roof of my old apartment.
Wait for it. Yeah, it was just like this creepy
room that just like held a bunch of ships from
the man Andrew who moved out a year ago, and
it was just as still there. So I took the
bike and during COVID that was like what I was doing.
But we moved and I've been talking about wanting to
(01:08):
go back and stealing it. Um, and I shouldn't say
that on record, and I didn't do it. So he
gat me my own and I'm so excited. Awesome, we
were looking for gift of sight. That's terrific. Thank you, okay,
and now a tool thing east side forever fella. How
(01:28):
many locations have you lived in since moving to Los Angeles? Oh,
that's interesting. I've only lived in three places, but I
have kept track of every address I've lived in since
high school. And I just have a word document where
I have kept each address just because when I lived
in New York, I moved a bunch a New York.
I think I averaged once or twice a year, because
(01:50):
there were some years where I moved a bunch. But
I don't know if people keep that, but I can
go back to every residence. Yeah, correct answer was three beginning. Yep. Hey,
there's Mark Gagliardi. Marcus. Have you been back to Disneyland yet?
(02:12):
How did you know? I was one of those people
that was sitting on April fift when they announced you're
gonna be able to get tickets at eight o'clock in
the morning. I got up super early. I tried to
get in the queue and there and I followed Twitter
that whole day because there was one little spinning graphic
(02:33):
that everyone was staring at all day. Did you do
the same like you had also done that. I was
so excited to think that someone else here had that
same miserable experience of watching a goat with a stick
of dynamites head tilt back and forth for about six
hours while it said I was in line. Yeah, it's
(02:54):
not very Disney. And the outcome, the outcome, it's uh,
it's the best time ever were in the world to go.
I think I waited like five minutes for even all
the big rides. We were there Saturday, same experience, unbelievable.
Everybody's super nice. Everybody's happy to be back. Everyone that
you walked past, normally they'd say have a magical day.
Now they say welcome home, which was very sweet. Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
(03:19):
it's pretty great. I went on Rise of Resistance for
the first time. Jamie. Jamie posted video of me losing
my ship on our Instagram feed if anybody wants to
see it. It's genuine and I really did lose my mind.
It is spectacular. Yeah yeah. Uh. And last, but just
the water from the hose. If you think of least,
it's Joey Greer oddly small hands. Uh, what's your favorite
(03:43):
dish to cook. Oh my gosh, I really would. I don't.
I don't like the term cooking. I don't like the
cooking because there there's a lot of history with cooking,
and it's just I don't like what what I like
to say. Um so a couple of dishes. Actually, So
when when you're when you're in the kitchen, the first
thing that you want to do that I like to do,
that you're gonna want to do now because this little
(04:05):
tip of the hat trade that I got here is
right when you enter every kitchen, this is true. This
is true. Every kitchen has the exact same layout. You don't,
I know, you don't believe me. Go into any kitchen
right now, and you're gonna see on your huh am,
I right? Are you? Right? Am? I looking on my right.
(04:29):
Let's do a damn show. All of our scene suggestions
gathered from your listener emails are from our patron v
I pays to become a patron supporter of the show
and enjoy content and other perks like video Joey. Head
on over to patron dot com slash Alchemy do this
if you'd like to submit a scene suggestion via email.
Please right to the podcast at our new email address.
(04:51):
That's Alchemy. This email at gmail dot com, that's Alchemy.
This seen one comes from Patreon alcomaniac Kevin Pratto, who wrote, Hello,
you wonderful people. You're all amazing. But Chris is the man.
What a shame. He don't tell him? No one tell
(05:15):
him he does not need the boost. Give him all
your lunch money or else. I'm not gonna do that either.
Scenes of Justin trying to find the underground Rave that
is somewhere downtown, your biggest fan, KP. I know it's
round you somewhere. Man, Oh my god, this be sick. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
(05:36):
Can we just slow up for a moment. It's been
for forty minutes. We haven't found it yet, but I'm
confident if it could just slow down a little. Seemed
like you're in a hurry to find something we don't
know where it is, and of course I don't know
where it is. Man. We've got finest. It's supposed to
be the hardest underground rave. That's why I want to
(05:59):
save some enter you for when we get there, right,
We're gonna have so much to trust me. I know,
swamp Monster is on the ones and twos spinning all night.
It's gonna be nuts, Tommy, Tommy, can you hand me
another bottle from the baby bag please? This one's empty. Okay,
we're brave. We're running low. Alright, we're running low. I
(06:25):
was going to wait until we got to the club,
but it didn't. You're forgot to get there at this point.
I did bring a molly. What I brought molly? Let
me see it. Well, it's just this, It's just this pill,
and there's molly in there. There's molly in that capsule.
I dropped it. It's not a glass. I mean it's
(06:51):
close to eat it off the floor. God, damn it, dude.
I think it's in the sewer here, help me pick
this great up. Oh God, where it is out? Oh? God,
seward it's it, God, Holy ship, yunker. You're use a hernia.
Maybe we can use it to fish it like your stomach,
(07:15):
just like like a fishing line. Just kind of cast
it out. That's how this works, Tommy. Your baby still
needs a bottle, all right, Listen, I just need a
ball's water and I can stalk spinning the music. But
when of the crowd's getting there crowds aren't due till midnight.
What kind of water would you like bought water still
and flattess it wouldn't be great one of each, of course,
(07:37):
of course. Yeah, yeah, let's do two of It's just
make sure you know. We really can't thank you enough
for for playing tonight. We were both just just such
huge fans, such huge fans. It's it's a pleasure as
long as anything you need, alright, I mean we'll give
you double of whatever you need anytime. Thanks, Thanks, Terris,
appreciate it. But I just I love music. I love
(08:00):
saying people dance and jump and uh let's you know,
I just have one question, just some If you're going
to pull the chuck berry, can we can we do
it now just to kind of get it out of
the way. Uh No, No, I can't. I can't pull
the chuck bear right now. Yes, when you pull the
chuck berry late into the evening, it it's been problematic before. Look,
(08:22):
I'm just saying, I'm I'm just we love having you here.
We're gonna give you double of everything you want. It's
amazing having you here. We're just so grateful. Just please
do the chuck berry before actually yeah, I'm an artist, right,
you don't say, you don't tell, you don't tell. The
Banks said, hey, don't paint on this wall. And I
know Banks, right, I know it might come to yea,
um what whoa bonus? Wait Banks, He's like like, reveal himself,
(08:47):
come tonight. I couldn't tell you if he's here, but
he might be in the audience. And but oh yes,
it's pretty simple, all right. The bottom of the flashlight.
That's who light is, all right, bus bar right here
clicking on turns it on? All right? Yeah, check I
D s A. You're gonna make sure one stands in
this line, do not block the sidewalk, saying put the
(09:08):
flashlight under the I D. Yeah, huh, all right. If
you can see the flashlight under the I D, it's
probably not a real idea. It's probably just a piece
of paper. Really, I was aiming the flashlight downward. Well
what does that do? What does the dude to shine
the light on top of it? Obviously, right, but if
(09:28):
you hold the flashlight just two tough shouldn't be able
to see it under you know, I'm using the light
from my phone anyways, I don't really have a holy ship.
What Is that a customer Android? Yeah, that's the I
Phone seventeen Android. Wow. Wow wow. Yeah, I'm kind of
a tech head too. I'm gonna check out my phone.
(09:53):
Christian forgot my birthday. He put him like he didn't,
but he did. He forgot my birthday. No, this is
the big one, nine twenty nine. No, still twenty nine,
it's been twenty nine. It's always how did how did
(10:17):
you forget your last twenty ninth birthday? The twenty ninth
birthday before that, the twenty ninth birthday six years ago?
And honestly, Cheryl, he comes home with a gift back,
so I think it's for me, and so I'm like
so excited and he's like, oh, I guess you can
open it, but it's not for you. I'm like, what
the are you talking about? And it's a fucking custom Android,
(10:37):
which I'm so sorry. Your Calamari Margarita's Calamari Callamari Margarita.
I wanted, I want. I wanted it with the saltman.
You know, we'll just it's fine, it's fine, I'll just
turn it over. And this is just lick mine. Don't
turn it over, Okay? Can I get another woman? Yeah? Yeah, sure,
(10:57):
we'll just eat this calamari off the table. Thank you.
I am so, I'm so well. At least he got
you a big present. But it's custom engraved with his
fucking name on it. It was for himself, Cheryl. Cheryl,
Is this the twenty ninth year when I break up
with him? Help me? I because he's he's the cutest
(11:23):
one you've had in all of the twenty nines. Hey, babe,
that was you dinner with Cheryl? It was really insightful.
Can you get out of the way. I'm just trying
to get to the Can you just put it on
the toothbrush. Stop doing with your finger, you know, it's
(11:44):
just it's gross. M sorry, what nothing? You know what? Nothing? Yeah,
I'm in a bit of a mood tonight. What happened?
We didn't bring the waiter, brought the wrong column, I martini,
there was no salt rim We ended up for you
(12:05):
all over the place. Oh my god, are you crying? No?
I just I said what happened like I meant it
and I didn't, And I just feel horrible. You know what,
year it's super fine, right, Okay, look at these ads,
(12:28):
don't don't You're hard to look at because you're so
fucking hot, right, but but you don't give me like
you don't fulfill me. You don't give me what I
need in every coming at you're coming at me. I'm
your girlfriend. It's been four years. If I hear bro
(12:53):
Cheryl worry even you freaking smell like raw fish? Well
I was. I was out with Erlen. She's had another
one of the twenty ninth birthday disaster. Are you still
hanging out with her? Yes, she's been my best She
has been my best friend our whole lives. We were
in the womb together. We had that room trade. We
(13:15):
were in a magazine. Since then, when you're in a
magazine with someone that young, it sticks with you and
we will be friends forever. So she can do whatever
she wants because we womb shared and we're in a magazine.
I'm not saying she can't do anything she wants. I
don't care what she does, That's what I'm saying. Sure,
you could have so many better friends. The friend I
(13:35):
introduced you to Becca, don't Becca, I don't you introduced
me to these friends of yours. I swear you only
hang out with these others just so that I look
better by comparison. Is that what it is? Is that?
What it is? Bryce? Is that Rice? Rice? Is that
what it is? I will leave you. I've never been
in a magazine with you. Bryce. I will leave right now.
(13:58):
I look, I don't know how far it is, but
if we follow, the sewer line might pop up on
top of the god damn you know whatever club it
was supposed to be underground. Okay, whatever they don't know.
We can look, we can follow Bianca's stomach lining if
you want to get back out. Okay, don't think I'm
gonna make it, guys, come on, Bianca. See that looks
just a couple more feet. We're gonna be this supposed
(14:18):
to be the best party all the sensory. How do
your baby is crying and it's Molly is supposed to
sprout hands. It looks like that Molly is sprouting hands.
I don't know what's in her stomach. What do you
want me to do? Just leave her here, we'll come
get her all the way out. Leave me, leave me. No, No,
I meant my daughter. I didn't mean you. And that
scene one you're soaking in it scene too comes from Carl,
(14:46):
who is a patriot. I that chose to utilize the
new email and send this suggestion with it, and I
thank him for that. Carl wrote, to my favorite cuttier
of contemporary comedians and the pleasant dist actions you provide.
My scene suggestion is from Carmack McCarthy, the writer of
(15:06):
No Country for Old Men, or Cormack who wrote quote
there's no such thing as life without bloodshed. The notion
that the species can be improved in some way, that
everyone could live in harmony is a really dangerous idea.
Those who are afflicted with this notion, or the first
(15:27):
ones to give up their souls their freedom. Your desire
that it be that way will enslave you and make
your life vacuum. Is May you all live well and easy.
Carl Davis from San Diego. Alright, so we're just gonna
need to refill in the Calamari's and then, uh, just
(15:47):
make sure the margarita machine is working on. Cormack. Just
put a smile on your face, all right. Put everyone
wants to see people happy. Put a smile on your face.
It's a good job. Good job, Um, you know what
a good job is. Yeah, out on the trail hunting
wild beasts. That the only thing between you and life
(16:10):
is your own wits and your ability to survive. If
you want to quit, quit, I can have fifteen different
people in here who want to be a waiter at
the number one restaurant in Phoenix. Okay, I can't quit, why, Jim,
I gotta pay rent? All right? Well, and I can't
quit all right? Well, let me check. I gotta take that.
(16:35):
Take it. Don't by the way, here hold my bowie knife.
Don't bring that. Told you not to bring this. Don't late.
So um, carmacke says, your last job, things didn't go
so well. Why why you rebilitate yourself? Why but why
should we hire you here at the old Chuck Oh
the cheese hmm, looks like you gotta roaded infestation. Nope,
(17:00):
that's a that's a cartoon road in, Cormack. We're here
to make people happy. Isn't that what you want to do?
And that's why you wanted to play the spread again.
You have to play to spread to children. You know what,
This might not work, This might not be the best
spot for you, Mr McCarthy. Carmack. Just looking at your
resume here, it looks like you were at Chucky Chases
(17:20):
for a day. Before that, you were at Ballard's in
Phoenix for two weeks. Um, what the what makes you?
What makes you David Buster's material? Well? See, uh, you've
got a lot of people running around here with long
pieces of I don't know, cardboard, perforated edges stuck together.
(17:41):
Am I wrong? The tickets? Are you talking about tickets?
We don't come whatever you want. We don't do the
tickets anymore. Did you look at did you come out?
Have you been to the spressnom before? I don't think
it's gonna work out, Carmack. The rents been due for
three months. It's been due for three months. You gotta
get out, you gotta you gotta hit the road. Okay,
(18:04):
you gotta get out. Okay, great, as long as you
get it then, Uh, I'm just gonna leave you to it.
Thank you. So I'm just gonna leave you to it.
I can stay if you want. I don't want that. Um,
I do want you to leave you having paid the
rent in three months and I won't collect. I won't
collect as long as you're gone and within seventy two hours.
(18:26):
And I think that that's a fair trait, especially from me.
I can survive my life. Oh, What's what's going on?
The amount of blood shed out of my body right
now is not right. Man. I'm gonna need you to
stop moving around so much. Your arm is squirting at
the wall over here. Thank you trying to pat up
(18:48):
so sorry, Thank you, thank you so much. You know
I've even I've got home nurses here with me. I
mean the carnage that I've seen. You know, I work
at Jersey Mix. Know this pass my resume alone, Absolutely not,
absolutely not. I can't vouch for you. You don't. I'm
(19:11):
literally evicting you right now. And honestly, I wouldn't want you.
I wouldn't want anyone that I know to have that
kind of job, because I did fall into the deli
slicer and got my arm right off, massive deli slicer,
in masi slicer. Tiny arm, very painful, but I just
go through it, don't you understand, Mr Armstrong. We could
(19:33):
make the world's largest deli slicer. We'd be in a
Guinness Book, a record right here for Cincinnati largest deli slicer.
First of all, Hank, sit down, please, I've only got
a few minutes. I promised your sister that I would
sit down and talk with you. Look, I love her
(19:56):
and she's still crazy about her little brother. But yeah,
did that we would build a slicer that could accommodate
a human arm You see where I'm having trouble with
this god of size is as slices we can make, right,
Mr Armstrong? Did you talk to my brother? Yeah? Yeah
(20:17):
I did. And you don't need to call me Mr.
It's fun for me. Even just the sweetest, smartest, most intelligent,
handsomest man you ever met, don't you just want to
give him everything ever? You know? I listen, honey, when
we met, you told me you were crazy about your brother.
But I didn't absolutely cookoo banannas for him. I'm strong, baby,
(20:38):
listen to me for a second year. I think you're sweet, missus.
She's boring her brother, if you know what I mean,
what are you talking about? I'm talking about your lady,
the lady that you sleep with, you know, your wife. Yeah,
I think she's going hunky dory with her blood brother
cuckoo bananas. I mean, tell me about it. He makes
my clips so hard it hurts. Now I'm not sure
I understand all the vernacular of the girl is today.
(21:00):
That's just me trying to explain how much I love
my brother, just normal Yeah, sure, sure, so listen, squeet pee,
I was hoping maybe you could run down to the
corner and get me a pack of smokes in a
six pack. Anything for you, as long as you do
anything for me and my brother, Yeah, my brother, Yeah,
(21:21):
of course. What kind of cigarettes do you want? Just
a pack? Yeah, I got I got a bunch of
brands here. Okay, I'll take one pack. I just needed
you want Camel's Marble with the kind that you smoke,
the kind of that that a man smokes. Man smokes, yeah,
kind of a man. A man smokes, very tall man,
very small pey, and I want to want him to
(21:42):
be able to smoke a good cigarette. Tall man, small peeny,
good tushy. And that's the kind of man that I
need an idea. I'm sure if I understand everything you're
saying in your vernacular. Well, I'm trying to get a
recommendation from you because I don't normally get smokes myself.
I'm sorry to a can I put up these show
posters on the on the window here? What do you saying?
(22:06):
It's a show poster just for a rave Okay, I
thought you said as a sale poster. Suh. What's the
what's the rave called? It's called the Best Underground? Yeah,
I've heard it. Yeah, I put him up on the
wall post A boy. Can I ask you a personal question? Yeah? Sure?
(22:28):
You just you look so much like my brother and
I loved him so much. I don't feel a connection
with you. Do you feel it with me? No? No,
not really. You want to take hurting my shoulder? Hurting
my shoulder? How do my store? Who has who has
(22:50):
put these posters over my fresh spray paint? Well, there's
a rave tonight wraps Banks. He would like to visit
this rave Banks. He was trying to paint. Stop painting
because poster went up over Banks. He's working now. All
Banks you can think about is attending. Yeah, the dead
bodies over here? Okay, yeah, yeah, sure, I'm totally fine,
(23:14):
totally fine. Uh. This this body right over here with
the sheet over it, sir, sir, that the old thing
it was. I'll talk to this guy, sir, I'll talk
to this guy. You saw it, you saw that. Wait,
what are these flyers you're carrying around? So so you
(23:36):
saw the I'm sorry, you're a promoter. Then is that
what it is? Yeah, I mean I get hired out
to do this. Everybody just throw a poster or whatever. Man,
but you should have seen that. You should see it
was nut. It was nuts. So I don't know. The
guy kind of looked like me, but he just like
went after he's attacked this woman. It was crazy. Containing
this is my sister and my sister. We're gotta get
the Delhi machine. We gotta get the big gas Delhi
machine because your your husband, Mr Armstrong, he said he
(23:57):
was gonna make it. It was nuts. It was nuts.
It was not so not just bad bad the thing
I saw. The thing I saw was bad as hell.
I mean not like in a good were not like
it was bad. You got a lot of blood on
your shirt. Huh oh yeah, So DJ is playing this?
(24:17):
Hey wait a minute, where are you going? I want
to know which DJ is playing? Oh gosh, I gotta
take down all these posters. Oh come on, No one's
gonna want to move into this Shangri l off. It
looks like a shack. Absolutely not. Come on, and you attendant,
we're willing to throw down fourth Thal for a one bedroom,
(24:38):
Come on, Mr Mr Geneva I'm just curious. Yeah, there's
a couple of workout equipment things up in the attic.
We use no um there like the ax You don't
want to use the ax. Um you could use um well,
(24:58):
you could take the chance on the Nordic track, but
honestly it's a bit cursed. What about the mace right
next to it? Can we use that swinging around? That's
gotta be a good body workout. Yeah. Well, half of
them are weapons, and half of them are are meant
to be working out. And the weapons are just there
to be weapons. The weapons are just there to be weapons.
Oh no, it's opening up. I'm so sorry. Sorry, I'm
(25:21):
so sorry. I think it's from pulling down those posters. God,
you know what, you just to make up for all
the blood, you can use whatever you want in the attic.
Just go fuck go fuck you know what? You know
what Mrs Geneva. Okay, core mac as am I saying
that right? Yeah you did, okay, just going over, Yeah
(25:45):
you did, Okay. You said something about living in harmony
was a way to to lose freedom, that's right, huh.
Once we just give up the idea that we're all
trying to kill each other. Right, that's when you start
(26:05):
to really die. Got you? Okay, Well, this is a
McDonald's and we're doing it for us. You're killing everybody
just right, right, So we have things called the happy meal,
and um, you understand the concept of that, right, mm
hmmm do you? Every time a child looks inside, they
(26:26):
see a small mirror which I've shattered, and they see
a reflection of themselves. And as they reach in to
grab a small chicken nugget or maybe one of those
fries or whatever, they'll cut themselves in a small little
blood fall and they'll see the reflection covered bo. Yeah. No,
it's good, it's good. It's just um, it doesn't jive
with corporate mentality. If I could use such a term
(26:50):
in your presence? Also, did you get the presence that
we sent? I did, right, I didn't realize it was
your birthday. I'll take a number two with the side
of can I get a mix of fries and onion rings?
This isn't a burger king. I can't have it my way.
(27:12):
Then I'll just take the number two as is with
a large coke and you got packs of smokes. This
isn't a burger king. You can't have it my way. Okay,
then I'll just take the number two large coke, and
what I do have is two wolf belts. I gotta
(27:39):
be at the wrong place. This is McDonald's. Okay, then okay, um,
I'm gonna skip the wolf pelts. You don't want the
wolf pelts, I'll take them. I mean you did so
(27:59):
you apology means nothing. I just didn't want somebody else
to take those wolf pelts. Go ahead, finish your order
number two with a loge coke. And if you you
don't have any packs of smokes, but if you could
just six skin carcasses a squirrel uncooked, you want that.
(28:21):
So you're telling me the reason you're laid for work
this morning. It's not because you like always stopped at McDonald's,
but because you were attacked by two wolves that you
had the skin. That's why you're telling me you lay
for work today. Well again, they got confusing because the
wolves that was a wolf? Does that make sense? I
(28:44):
bought it. I did go to the wolf prove that
a wolf would think you are a wolf. I just
opened up my back here, I put this on. If
the sleeves on, yeah, yeah, bring this headpiece. Oh, that is.
That is weird. How much you look like a wolf?
(29:07):
Now put the call out. There should be wolves here
in seconds. Wait a minute, that's not what I wanted.
Did you hear that lame human wolf comb? H m hmm.
It's words are having to go check it out. Guys,
(29:32):
let's not go because I got I got one. Molly, Molly,
don't don't go. Hum once a mind a proudern of
the sword? What is it true? Doctor? This is amazing.
I mean from the foots where we receiving, the wolves
(29:54):
are exhibiting behavior I've never seen before. They're rubbing up
on each other. Uh, they're just your close watching rabbits.
What are you doing? I don't want to Okay, I
like the predators. I told you that. Okay, finished, finish
your report. I mean I always on rabbits. Everyone gets
a change it. But every time I come in, I
(30:15):
always get the rabbits. I always get rabbits. I hate
you kill you know you don't talk? You know No,
I'm your boss here, I'm not your dad. I'm your
boss here. Finish your report. Jeff, tell me about the
g D wolves. Well, they were dancing and like really
(30:37):
erratic patterns. It seemed like they set up some LED
lights as well as strobe lights. Uh yeah, they had
these like the best way I can put them in
like baby suckers. You know those are like babies suckers, said,
you suck These wolves are not sucking on babies. I
don't know. Okay, I don't know. I don't want the
(30:57):
tools for it. Me there fine, Well that has seen too.
I'm sorry. We's their confusion on the word pacifier. Oh
that was my favorite moment ever. Scene three comes to
(31:19):
us from Patroon v I P. Patrick C, who wrote,
high all long time, first time listening to you guys
while I'm deployed overseas, and you make the days go
by better. Yes, woe indeed, thank you for your service.
That's got to be him. Now, I actually worked with
(31:39):
one of the intelligence agencies. You guys. I'm still gonna
continue if you don't mentioned all the time who intelligence agencies?
And I have a scene suggestion. Brand new intern of
the CIA continues to get mistaken for another employee and
keeps getting assigned more more dangerous and deadly assignments. Pat again, Pat,
(32:06):
thank you for your service. All right now just wait
here Okay, I have your forms. I'm gonna be able
to process them quickly. Once I return, we'll be able
to get your ID badge, and then we'll put you
right over into the forming. Don't follow you, don't follow
you when you go process them. You want me to
wait here. That's exactly what I want you to do.
All right, once you get your ID bads, you're gonna
(32:26):
going to the farm yard. You understand, I do understand.
I just don't understand the part about wait here. What
don't you understand? Well? Kind of enjoying your company, and
if you're headed to another part of the building, I'd
kind of like to go. You're a funny guy. I
like that You're gonna go far here. You have a
lot of sense of humor here. Thank you, sir, Thank you, sir.
(32:47):
I appreciate you doing here a joke? Sure do what
do you call two different light bulbs? Lights? All right,
I'm gonna be back. Oh my god, Oh my god,
is that its Thunder? Oh yeah, that looks like Mitch Thunder.
That looks looks like Thunder. For sure. I thought Mitch
Thunder was dead. I thought that he retired and moved
(33:09):
to St. Bart's and didn't tell anyone, anyone to the secret.
Yeah of course the official line is think he was dead.
But yeah, of course he went to St. Barts. Maybe
he's back. Is this a special assignment? Yell McK thunder
and Seefie turns Mick Funder. Yeah, yeah he did. He
just looked over shoulder, just looked over. Maybe he's back
(33:31):
from I'm back on the dead thing. Maybe he's back
from the debt. Oh like, it's zombie Mick Funder. Like
it's zombie Mick Thunder like to get revived. Oh my god,
thank god, because I gotta say, I've been looking for
someone to do this Philippine infiltration, and zombie McK thunder
sounds perfect. Honestly, I I'm too. I've flubbed too much.
(33:53):
I couldn't do it. I don't know why they don't
get no, don't it's not about It's not about that
last time. It's not about that last time. I remember
the last time. You keep bringing up the last time.
It's not about that last I killed five people that
were on our side. You shouldn't have been done. It
was on television. Yeah, it was really bad. It was
(34:14):
not good. So you're not offended if we get made
funder to do it. Honestly, it'd be great for me.
Let's do it. Okay, you take the reins. I'll yell
his name and see if he turns. It's totally him.
He totally you know what. I'm gonna catch him later.
I'll just be in the back seat of his car.
That's how we'll do. I'll just do that. C I
(34:35):
a thing where you wait in the back seat of
their car until they turn their rear view mirror. Okay, um,
I'll hide in a Manila envelope and you can pass
me to him. That's perfect. I've got to talk to
the props people and get a big one, mate. Yeah,
you're gonna need a well look, well, I'll walk down
to a props with you. The eagle flies on Tuesday.
(35:00):
The door opens for most. All right, let's go, let's go,
let's go. Here's your gun. Alright, here's your underwater scuba gear.
He'll be able to go real fast underwater. Now, remember
Hades only about two five miles away underwater, but with
the fishes dangerous. Now, you're not going to hate it.
You know where you're going. It's all on the chip
in your head. All right, here's the key. It's a
(35:21):
LAMBERKINI I don't know why they're giving it to you,
but they're giving it to you. All right, listen starts
now at that ends in twelve hours. I do I do?
What was your name? Just testing? Just testing your man?
They're good. I like man who likes to be funny. Now,
let's debrief you as quickly as we can. Do you
understand that Mr Armstrong is running a large arms dealing
(35:42):
outside of his Cleveland, Cincinnati factory. We need to go
underwater as quickly as possible and swim all the way
to the center of Ohio. Inside you'll find a small
hatch deep down within the sewer systems. Follow that hatch
you'll find some human intestines. That means you're on the ride.
Drath Okay, your name real quick, Hey, Mick Thunder. When
(36:06):
you've done here, can you look the Philipining extracts no
thought of him, so you must be my contact. What's
going on? Crazy? They just put anyone in the CIA
these days. Huh oh yeah, shut I guess we're talking
(36:29):
on my bedside. Fucking ass. Now, this pack of cigarettes
are mine, all right? Tell how many sticks are in there,
so don't smoke any all right, one missing, I'm gonna
snap your dick off, and I'm gonna smoke that instead.
Copy in the uh in the in the document we're
(36:53):
supposed to fill out, it said we're only allowed two
hundred cigarettes and said, so I think twenties sticks times ten.
I think it's a carton. So I brought a great asshole. Oh,
we can smoke as much as we are. See, didn't
didn't read that? Have you ever done operations in Ohio? Yes?
(37:16):
I swam the Eurie to get into Cleveland, Cincinnatis. Listen, asshole,
I don't like people who bragged me. I swim a
whole bunch of places, a lot of times, a lot
of distances. Next time I hear you talk about swimming,
I'm gonna snap off your arms and I'm gonna smoke
your dick. The fella who took a guy's face and
more it as his own, just for kicks, Yeah, that's right, right.
(37:39):
Have you never seen the movie Face's Off? Yep, that's
what I was a good movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Now
listen before we do this, Welcome to Turkey. I'll be
your lifeline here. You can come to me for anything.
I'm mostly costumes for the CIA, but um, I can
help you a little bit with a little bit it,
(38:00):
a little bit with a little bit of other things
if you need it on your journey, on your mission. Yeah,
we do. My buddy here is gonna need a whole
other outfit. And what how about are we're working with
a kind of outfit? What kind of outs are we
looking for? Honestly, I want something revealing but modest. He's
(38:22):
gonna have to go deep, deep into the Turkish government. Wonderful. Okay,
right now, I'm being really really inspired by the Renaissance movement,
and I really enjoy a long skirt on a man.
I think that that's something that is not appreciated as
much as it should be due to the airiness and
the amount of mobility as well as the you know,
(38:46):
humble aspect of it. It It does its cover a lot um.
So that's what that's That's kind of where I'm going for,
That's kind of where I'm at. So I'm gonna work
on that. Ce Tristan props all out Turkish men here,
all of us right right, a pro Turkish man. We
will now sing the Turkish song of my my assistant
(39:10):
is telling me that one of us here is not.
Let everybody go around, say your name and your hometown.
I will start. My name is Kola and I am
from Whole Your turn, I'm Dave from his stand Bull. No, okay,
(39:33):
Dave's definitely I know his family. He's pore Turkish to
the bone. If I don't know anybody, I spit on
anybody who thinks he's not Turkish. Next, I'm An from
constantin Nople and he's oh salt. This guy, his dad,
he stud he went to jail ten years in Istanbul
then and constant Nople, he's Turkish. Next, I'm Tina and
(39:58):
I'm from star Stuffing you no good. The whole family
comedians just amazing, good history, good lineage Turkey. Next, you're
you're director. We have some concerning news. It seems the
(40:23):
operation in Turkey as well as Ohio has gonna rye.
It's it's not going well. Right. You know what a
rhyme means? I didn't. I didn't mean. What does a
rhyme mean? I mean? In what way? Is it not
going awry? Um? Well, that's a hard question. How's it going?
(40:47):
How's it going? Right? I guess it's going right that
they got there. I don't know. Uh, you're telling me
that's the only way in which this this mission went
right was that they arrived. That's all you can tell
me that's good about this mission. There's nothing else, No
small thing that went right, no big thing that went right. Nothing. Um, well, something, sir,
we actually have some intell that there is a new Bankski.
(41:10):
I'm sorry, I knew what banks Ski bank Ski? Do
you mean banks the artist or bank Ski the the
international terrorists? Because if it's the Polish international territory at
terrorists bank Ski, we're in trouble. If it's banks then
that just means more delightful street art. I meant the terrorist.
(41:31):
I meant the terrorist. Damn it. I thought that was
what you must have meant. You know who we could
use right now? Uh, this is welcome to the Meeting
of the International Terrorists. Um. We will start by singing
our International Terrorists song. Uh. Oh, my assistant is telling
me that one of us is not an international terrorist.
(41:54):
What do you mind? We're all evil people here. Have
you anyone seen Mortal Komba? I'm okay, you won't. Okay,
he's the first one of the most original international tourists.
He's definitely an interest. That's not not you kind of
David am definitely here. Banks he's here, of course, yes,
(42:20):
Banks he's here. Was bank Ski supposed to be here
because banks c is here? Oh? I have a rave
to get to. Oh my god, this is the real deal.
Can you can you get us in to the rave?
If you really want to do the rave, I can
(42:40):
get you into the Rave. I feel like we've been
waiting in this car for a really long time. I
don't think that he's coming out here. Envelope suit is
hot as hell. Yeah. Oh, I've been sitting here in
the backseat, just waiting. How are you? I'm so sorry.
Supposed to be comfortable, man, I'm not comfortable at all.
(43:03):
We're gonna have to tow this car and we'll have
to dumping in the ocean car yet, how is We've
been waiting for weeks? Now? What did he do? Swindown?
And it's like, is the mission that we're trying to
have him take over? We might not even have a
(43:26):
Philippine extraction to do anymore, and then we're together and
that would matter. Yeah, I'm so sorry you're stuck in
that Manila costume. But it's just get kind of like
dropping down to the ocean. Just drive the old thing.
I think we're being I'm calling this press conference to
(43:48):
order CIA today. I'm calling this a hang out no
New York Times. We'll get to you in just a second. Okay.
We want to start by saying that we've lost to
CIA agents today. Um, can we get the names? Can
we get the names? Person? Last name? Can you spell
thou at least New York Posts? You know I can't.
(44:08):
I cannot give you the names as nicknames. How my
nicknames Toothy and Grins. And that's one person. And then
the other person was jumps Um Jumps was. We'll be honest,
not the best and the brightest of our team, but
still agents. And so we will be um giving them
(44:31):
a proper, proper, proper morning. And we have some art
commissioned in their honor. And I'm going to reveal that
right now, Ages been adh this is this is I
(44:56):
was told us a live exhibit. This is an international
peris that's right in the national series, kind of stuck
in sort of plexiglass box forever. Oh then we got him.
Oh good, then we got him. Let's thank our alchemist
(45:19):
and in my absence, thank them, especially UM starting with
Jackie d ruth Ay, Thank you so damn much taking
time away from birthday week spend some time with us.
Thank you for having me. It's so fun a celebratory time. Yeah, indeed,
and folks should go to UM your Instagram feed for
Oh yeah, I'm not Jackie d Ruthie, And that's that's
(45:41):
pretty much where I do most of most of my work.
Your comedic shenanigans are available there. Yes, and happy birthday indeed,
thank you. Speaking of birthday's Mark gangli Artie, Yeah, when
do you celebrate yours? Two weeks ago? O? On of
a bitch? We missed it and what did you do?
(46:01):
It's my It's okay, it's my birthday quarter chord right now. Yeah,
and uh you know we're doing doing real well and
birthday quarter earnings are up. That's not true. Uh, I'm good,
life's good. It's Max fun drive right now. We got
this with Mark and Hall is my podcast with how
(46:22):
Lublin and Blood and Treasures coming back this summer. Yeah
it is. Yeah, super excited for it, very very excited
and excited to see your face again. So thanks for joining.
Thanks man, same to you a tool sing thanks. It's
always so nice to be here. I always appreciate the
opportunity you can follow me at a tool time A
(46:42):
t U L T. I Amy still looking forward to
people to hit me up who have listened, So just
do that. Just trying to connect. Okay, we appreciate that.
And uh those uh fighting the good fight in India. Yeah,
I just meant low anybody don't reach out. Yeah no,
(47:03):
we we're hip to to your efforts to round out
some people from India who live in Los Angeles. And
I think that's pretty want some people to watch movies
with yep, Joey career. Check out alchemy this on Instagram
and we gotta read it. Alchemy. I don't I don't
(47:24):
know who moderates it. I don't have any dealings with it.
Scares me, you don't. That's a scary place. But check
that out that people are talking about stuff that who knows,
just who knows. James isn't here. So let me just say,
please have a moment like subscribe, leave a review. It matters,
it helps, And I think that's all he wanted me
(47:46):
to say. God bless us all everyone and let's thank
our engine into the stars, even though he isn't with
us on this particular routing. Mr doug Bane, fine folks
that I heart media. I'm your host, Kevin Pollock, thanking
you all in reminding you to please be kind to
each other. It's the easiest way, easiest route, and where
(48:07):
the masks when you go outdoors for goodness sake? Uh?
Double vaxed and waxed until next time.
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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