June 30, 2020 • 63 mins
Family enters a haunted house…ghosts act normal and boring.
Teenagers in a small town in Iowa.
A grandpa tells grandchildren stories from the Vietnam War.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy is covid N.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock, as that Kevin poll to
tell you the truth, I don't remember what it was
like to just, you know, break into people's houses without
them being there. But I digress. Let's meet our alchemists
and no particular order. Shall we say hello to James Heeny.
(00:29):
I knew you were going to try to get me first,
Johnny Handsome Heeny. When was the last time you bought
a new pillow? Um? About four years ago. I bought
a pillow with a foam corps and I ended up
not liking the sleep with just the foam corps, just
(00:50):
the phone corps. Yeah, it's like a memory phone had
a memory foam center, and I used it for a while,
but I just didn't like it. It was too big
of a pillow. But then I found it if I
took the memory foam core out, which is why I
bought it in the first place. That pillow was great.
Did you use a dog or any sort of animal
to burrow in and rip it out? No, it was
like it was like a sleeve. The pillow around it
(01:12):
was like a sleeve. You could pull the memory foam
just out of it really easily, probably to wash or something.
So am I say hey to Caroline Connor, Dr Peach
and pooh. If you were in the mafia, what would
your mobbed up nickname? B oh um old crusty? I
(01:38):
I don't remember being this happy look out. It's returning Champion,
Mark Gagliardi park your Marcus. What is your mobbed up nickname? Weirdly,
it's Mark Gagliardi, Welcome back. Thanks. Hey, there's Craig Kakowski
(02:03):
co cow. What do you get on your burger? And
how do you like it? Cooked? Medium? I'd like some pink,
like some pink in the middle. Um, I gotta I
gotta have cheese. You know you want to specify. I'd
love some tillamook Cheddarn sure you would, you know, straight
(02:23):
from the Oregon coast. Um, if bacon's on there, I'm
not gonna say no to that. If you put some
avocado in there, sir, you just tell us what you want,
yes or no. If you guys have mustard, I don't know. Uh,
I'd love some dijons, some yellow, but no catchup. For
(02:44):
God's sake, don't put ketchup on your burger. Hell yeah,
bring it off and last, but get a real nice
dose of chicken droppings in your bank. Love of if
you think I'm least it's Joey Greer, Jay Doug, can
you really bound? It's any chair on your chin and
or my balls? Yes, I can. Both are as rigid
(03:09):
and as hard as you can imagine. So it's it's
actually pretty easy. So any rigid object you can balance
on your chin. No, my chin is rigid and so
are your ball. That's why there's like a perfect groove.
I see so wondering. There's a masterclass on that. You
(03:31):
can just check that out. They call his chin the
perfect groove. All right, let's do a show, shall We
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If you'd like to submit your listener email, please write
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(03:58):
See number one in fact, comes from Tree and v I. P. Chance,
who wrote, I finally remembered two message through the Patreon page.
But I digress. The scene is this A family enters
a haunted house but instead of the ghost being scary,
they just act normal and boring. Also, instead of hold
(04:18):
the door guy, it's hold the door ghost. Thanks. Please
tell James to calm the funk down on that coffee.
I have went down to one to two cups a
day and feels like I conquered a cocaine addiction. James
(04:39):
just took a big old gulp from his coffee. F y.
I it's a good coffee, though, Honey, did you hear
that well? Um? Yeah, but it wasn't me. I thought
that was you. No, that coughing sound. Oh oh my god,
I'm sorry. Um, yes, I heard that. I heard that
(04:59):
cough Okay, are you feeling sick because you were sick
for so long? And if you're sick now, you're looking
right at me. That's not me coughing. That's coming from
the wall. The walls coughing. Someone in the wall is coughing.
That's insane or Larry's back. Let's find out, Larry, Larry,
(05:21):
the ghost is that you? Did you bring a book
to read? Oh god, damn it, Larry Larry? Please, what
do we have to do to get you out of
this house? Or have to die so I can kill me.
I would love for you to be scary and kill me,
but you're just normal and boring. This is not helpful. Larry.
(05:45):
What are you reading these days? Um? I'm reading How
to Train Your Dragon? Okay, that's interesting. Can you tell us?
Can you tell us your second and third thing about
the book? Um? Sho, I don't know at the uh,
there's some pictures in the book, Larry, Larry, we've been
(06:10):
over this. You don't have to talk like what you
think a ghost sounds like you can just talk to
us man. And by the way, did you make friends
last time we spoke? It seems like it's been a year.
Oh my god, that's another cough coming from the opposite wall.
Are you throwing your voice, Larry? No, no, no, me sorry,
I mean no, that was me normal voice. First, Why
(06:33):
do you pretend? Because well, being a ghost, you know,
I figured we're supposed to. I'm Mike Helen, is it? Yeah?
I'm Helen. This is my husband, Frank. Hey, Frank, nice
to meet you, guys. Welcome my house. Quick question, how'd
you go? I'm always curious that. Oh man, that's super rude,
Like that's really rude. That's like, that's like asking someone
(06:55):
what they do for a living, Like right when you
meet them, that's what he does all the time. Maybe
you should get etiquette lessons, Frank Helen, is this really
their business? What do you mean is their business? You
asked them an extremely personal question. I think they're allowed
to kind of. And that's what it's like all the time,
all the time. Man, It's like they no matter how
(07:17):
many times I tell him how I passed, how did
you die? How did you die? It's like, look, I'm
stuck on this plane forever and they're making me relive
the horrific tragedy that that caused me to be here. Yeah,
I mean, I think they just there. It's a blind spot.
It's a blind spot form you know, this life privilege
man's life exactly exactly exactly. You know, everyone wants to
(07:37):
know what happened to the afterlife. Nobody asked me that.
Nobody asked me what is life over here? There's like
how did you get there? And what? I think? This
is the house I've I've got I've got a reading
on my Geiger counter, and I think that this is
the one that's got the ghosts in it. Your Geiger counter,
(07:57):
it's picking up some irregularities. It's radio activity, my man.
There's a real low hum of radioactivity to go. That's
why they glow. Idiot. Look, man, you're you're the scientist.
I'm not gonna not gonna challenge your authority here. All right,
We'll get the gas cans out of the back of
the truck. Okay, we're gonna burn this fucker down. That's oxygen, man,
(08:19):
those are oxygen tanks. That's flammable. That's a flammable gas tank.
I'm using gas in the traditional sense of it's a
catalyst for fire. Get the oxygen tanks out, all right, man,
Look what if there's humans living here? Though? You know
I don't want to burn down a house. You know
I don't either, But if those humans are in there,
there's a fifty percent chance that they've been possessed by
(08:40):
the ghosts the man, how do you know that? Man,
it's a that it's true or it's not true. It's
fifty chance it's either true or not true. Hey Frank Helen, Yeah,
I'm sorry to interrupt. Um, we're just it's okay. We're
(09:01):
just making love and it lasts for a short amount
of time, so you're not really interrupting at all. I
think times relative. When you're a ghost, it's ten seconds.
Ten seconds is ten seconds. I just want to thank
you again. I'm sorry to interrupt your love making, which
you guys are great at. By the way, thank you.
We've taken a lot of masterclasses seminars. Really, I'm sorry.
(09:23):
There's a as much as I love to talk about
making love, can't do it anymore. Um, there's a there's
a truck full of oxygen tanks out front, and they
look like they're unloading something. How long did you have
a delivery of more oxygen? I did, but that's not
scheduled till next month. Well how do yeah, you know,
(09:44):
I've been here for six years. And also you guys
just putting out some tanks over at the neighbor's house.
Huh Yeah, I think they're having a birthday party or something.
Oh yeah, I love me a birthday party. Haven't been
invited over in a long time. Yeah, you know, it's
just these things like I don't blame them. You know,
you know who knows why people like the privacy? You
(10:05):
know what I mean? Yeah, So it's I get it. People.
Is that a Geiger counter is? How do you get there. Yeah,
how did you do? Oh? Yeah, well my pop's he
worked for JPL, so you know, you know how it goes.
But anyway, you know, there's a lot of stuff going
on nowadays. Do you guys want to come inside me?
We're really busy, honestly, come on, I would be remiss
(10:27):
if you didn't come into. I got hot lemonade, I
got cold hot dogs. What do you want? I mean,
everything's all right. Well, I got some mother's stuff. I
got some mothers. Come out here. I mean, honey, who
are you talking to out here? Darn well, I'm talking
to I guess some planners. I don't know who. Hell
the hell? Anyway, they look like nice. They gotta come inside.
(10:49):
They gotta toward the house. They gotta get somebody drink.
Come talk to these guys. I gotta finish this up.
You talk to these guys, you're gonna douse the house
in oxygen to leave the oxygen outside. I'm gonna splash
it with some cleaner. Don't tell them what the cleaners meaning.
I look just like soap, water man. That's so no,
(11:10):
it's it's it's a homemade gasoline napalm with some soap
inside of it. I wasn't gonna say it, but this
really is. Guess Look you're the scientist man. Everything you're
saying is tracking so far. Thanks Terry. Thanks so your
folks must must really do it up for Halloween. Huh
oh my god. My little lady in there, she can't
(11:33):
get enough with you a coult. I'll tell you that
apparently her great grandmother was a witch of some shortened cast,
a spell that goes past generations. So you know, weren't
destined for greatness, but just ain't happen yet. So what
about you, Christian? No, I'm chuck. Oh, chuck, chuck. I
thought he said Terry or something like that. I don't know,
(11:53):
don't know. I don't know the scientist. I get that.
I that's great. My dad worked for JPL. I don't
know if I mentioned that. But you're familiar. Was a
lot of Geiger counters. You're familiar. Yeah, oh wow, that's great.
That's great. Yeah, so come on inside checking out. We
(12:14):
got a pool indoors. I really can't you take a
break from so Mike? Uh yeah, I feel like we've
we've been talking a while. Maybe it's slightly more appropriate. Now,
how how did you how did you go. I knew
that was coming, man, I knew that was coming. Um.
You know what I used to be. I was a
(12:36):
librarian and uh and I was just sitting in my
library one day, uh, yelling yelling at some kids. And uh,
you were yelling in the library. I thought you were
supposed to be quiet in there. You are. And that's
what I was actually yelling at these kids to be.
What I have is I have a rip that page open?
(13:00):
Double dog army. Who's yelling in my library? Did I
just hear you say rip a page open? Yeah? And
I did it a piece of ship. Make this I
will make I will come over there right now. I
will come over there right now. And I who put this?
Who put this here? Who put this here? Under the
(13:22):
leg of this who put this here under the leg
of this this shelf? Put this here? Yeah? Who put
this knife under the well? Did as a prank? Darry
to stab yourself with it? If it will shut you
kids up? I will stab myself in the heart with
this knife the library. Do it? So that's um, that's
(13:45):
how I went. I mean, in retrospect. In retrospect, I
don't know why I let him get to me like that.
You know, kids can be really mean to a librarian. Yeah,
it sound just from that story you told us. And again,
I'm so sorry that happened to you, but it sounds
like it escalated so quickly. Were you just a very
bad librarian? Uh, that's what the bosses said. I didn't
(14:08):
think I was, but like at four different libraries they
had said that. Okay, Mike, um, thank you for coming in. Yeah. Sure,
you know you're kind of getting passed around here. Uh
and uh, I'm looking at your your reports from previous
employment in the county library system, and you know, high
(14:29):
high levels of aggression. And you know, one of the
things that I like about the library is that it
can be a place of peace and trying quility. Okay,
it looks like you're really digging your nails into that
chair there. I'm just I'm sorry, Mrs Henderson. It's just
that when you know, when people I don't like being
told to relax. I don't like being told to calm down.
(14:53):
You And oh wow, who put this knife under your chair?
Some students did? Some kids came in. See this kind
of stuff drives me. Christ hold on, hold on, calm down,
just come down now. I dare you distab yourself? All right,
Hey Tommy, we're gonna order some luncheon today. Did you
(15:13):
want to get something? Yeah, let's get a why don't
we get just give me a whole pig uncooked and uh,
I'll probably get to it later tonight. Okay, you want
to side with that, let me get another pig I'll take.
Did you want anything? Oh, we were in the middle
(15:34):
of We were in the middle of my interview here
and and and then suddenly you're you're ordering pigs. Well,
you know what going. Well, I'll let you do it,
all right, Terry, Chuck whatever. It's time to go. We
should wrap up whatever you If you're drinking that lemonade
piping hot, we got to go. Okay, we got three
(15:54):
minutes and forty seven seconds left before it's too late. Right,
let's blow up all those fuck ghosts ghosts. I hate ghosts,
all right. So so Mike, um, it sounds like in
that life you had some business to work out. Yeah.
By the way, they're smearing something all over the front
(16:16):
of this house. I don't know if it's soap or
napalm or what, but there they were. Sorry, heads up,
would you mind maybe? Uh? If giving a shot, you
talk to the people out front. You know what? Yeah,
I'm sorry, go ahead, Where are you gonna say? I
was just gonna say we would do it, but we
don't want to. That's that's fair. I mean, look, I'm
(16:40):
I'm a helpful ghost. I'm here. I've been working on
my anger. So let's see if let's see if this
doesn't blow up in my face. But there's no there
are no knives out there, Mike, if nothing else, Oh,
thank goodness. All right, I'm going out front. I'm gonna
go through this wall. Sorry, that wall is locked. Going
through this wall. Hey, ellas, yeah, told you my Gaiger
(17:05):
counter was working. Yeah, I'm guys. Do you say geiger counter?
Like a Geiger counter? It's how I find ghosts before
I blow them up. I got him check out my
radio activity levels than I never wondered why you glowed?
Am I the only scientist ghost hunter around? What is
going on? Maybe? Um? I just Frank and Helen. Um.
(17:30):
Frank and Helen don't want you messing with their house.
If that's okay, Well, who are they more ghosts? No? No, no, no, no,
they're the humans that live here. It's just me and
Larry who still has my copy of How to Train
Your Dragon, but I can't get into that with him
right now. Just two of them? Um, yeah, could you
what is this stuff that you're smearing all over the place?
(17:51):
Because this seems a mixture of gasoline and dawn dish
soak are filled with oxygen. But what I've wiped down
the sides of the molding, Like, I don't know how
it's gonna work. But he's a scientist, he is a
sci Are you look familiar? Man? You like a librarian
(18:15):
years ago that I dared to stab himself. Wait you
were that? Are you Chuck? I was Chuck? Then I'm
Terry now. Yeah, the background check for Chuck turned out
real bad. Terry ended up super clean. I like Terry
a lot more than Chuck. You know, Terry, Chuck whatever
(18:36):
you're calling yourself now. I honestly I gotta thank you, man. Um,
you taught me I had some anger issues. Uh, And
in my ghost life, I've just been everything's been super calm,
and I'm I'm really just trying to I'm really just
trying to turn over a new leaf. So I'd really
appreciate it if if you guys wouldn't you know, step
(18:57):
on that right now. Hey, here's an idea, though, Why
don't you go next door? Those two the nosy the
nosy neighbors next door, Why don't you just smear this
oxygen all over their place and blow their house up.
If you guys really need to blow something up. I'm
sure they probably have ghosts to you were this was
specifically to get rid of me. Yeah, it's if we
blow up the foundation of the house you're haunting, you'll
(19:18):
have nowhere to go. I mean, that's kind of thrown
out the baby with the bathwater. I could just go
to another house. Why why hunting this house anywhere? That
that library was like two counties over. I always like
this house. I used to drive by it as a kid,
and it's got the wrap around port. Tethered to this house?
(19:38):
No man, a stupid beetle juice documentary. Wait, I'm sorry
beetlejuice documentary. We watched documentary about the real beetle juice.
I thought, I thought in the afterlife, you were tethered
to a house. This is bullship what narrated it. I
could just as easily go next door. You know, what
(19:59):
if if they want me to Frank and Helen. They
seem nice, like they don't even seem like they want
us to leave. Who called you? I followed my guigro colendar.
I've got a long Okay, that's twenty tanks of oxygen
you want to return? Is that right, sir? Yeah? I
don't need him anymore. There was a lot of oxygen
(20:21):
everywhere around us. So, but I'm I mean, some of
these are empty, sir. I can't just take these tanks back. Well,
I opened them up and the oxygen was released, sir. So,
I mean, I'm sure you just fill it back up.
It's the tank that costs so much, right, it can't
be the oxygen, because I could blow oxygen at you
(20:42):
all afternoon. You're gonna pay me for it. That's carbon
dioxide what you're blowing at me. Alright, alright, you gotta
be there. Okay, I'm a scientist, a fan, I'll use
a fan. Okay, Look, sir, I cannot. I can't accept
this return. I can't afford to keep. But you can't afford.
(21:03):
You purchased them, so they don't cost you more money
that house or a hold. It's just yeah, I just
I need to I need to allocate the money that
I spent. I'm sorry, your friend. Can you please put
those down? Please? Sir? Can you please put those knives down?
To your partner comes in all the time you're touching
the knives. Look, um, I can't take these back, sir.
I'm sorry. You're gonna have to store credit. Come on,
(21:25):
store credit for the tank. Yeah, okay, sixty nine cents.
Oh ship. Anyway, I'm sorry. Sorry I made you kill
yourself all those years ago. It's it's been nice having
you around the apartment. Yeah, you know, this place is great, man,
this is great. You got you got all these books here,
(21:45):
you know what. I'm glad you kept reading. Honestly, I'm
glad you kept reading. Once a librarian, always a librarian. Huh, Chuck.
I think I'm sorry Terry. Now you know I didn't much.
I didn't much care for Chuck, but but I really
like Terry. Do you mind if I and fight my
buddy Larry over? I think you love it here. Whatever
(22:07):
floats your boat. The more, the more ghosts, the better.
I think. I think that guy I was working with
was sucking crazy, and I've seen one. Oh. He finally
came to his senses about his partner and crime. You
can't ask for more than that, seemed to today comes
(22:29):
from listener, who wrote, Alchemist, I am from a tiny
town in Iowa that has a population just over five people,
just over. You don't want to give us the exact number,
if it's point five people. Yeah, we have one gas
(22:53):
station and a bar, that same thing. It's the same thing.
So I'm curious to hear what you guys think teenagers
do here for fun. Oh and no, we don't tip
cows because it's very harmful to them. Thanks a lot,
Hayley from Iowa. Uh, next case here Jensen versus car Michael,
(23:25):
who would like to speak for either party? You're on
or Uh, I'm I'm I'm Tony Jensen. Yeah, I mean
you know, I'm Tony Jensen. There's there's every two of
us in this town, is it too now? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?
They they had the baby over at the partner places.
(23:48):
Yeah as really nice. Anyway, anyway, what's this about your honor?
I got a I got a text message to come in. Well,
it seems that one of your cow's got loose, and uh,
rather than being tipped over, it was set up right.
Apparently it had fallen and some of the kids in
(24:13):
towns set her up right, So we just wanted to
get the get some answers, that's all, am I. When
the verses kind of comes into play, my am I
not on Is it just about the cow then, because
I also got a text message to come in here.
And now you're saying, yeah, you're boys, your boys are
(24:34):
the one who apparently put the cow up right. Yeah,
I'm just I'm just a family. If you just so,
I no, no, no, Maybe we should be talking to
each other then, because it doesn't sound like these guys,
I can't really tell if a crime has happened or not.
That's what I'm saying is I got a text to
show up here too, and I'm just looks like the
one person in the jury box. So I feel like,
(24:57):
why do you need me if there's a judge? Oh,
we don't need to go to a jury. I don't
think on this one. Just I supposed to do If
I'm here, I got texted, I got off work today.
Would you mind taking some notes, Susan, I don't have hands,
but sure, I'll do my fucking best. Hey, your honor. Look, yeah,
(25:18):
I don't wanna I don't wanna you know, seem out
of line here, but you don't want to. I don't
want to. But you called us all here. I mean
the text message clearly came from your phone. Yep. Is
this about the divorce? Man? Did you just need someone
to talk to? All right? Yep? I guess that's what
(25:39):
it's about. Can I leave because I don't want you
to talk about our marriage in front of everyone? Okay?
If you have? The divorce is hard for me too,
I'm gonna go. I just thought some witnesses for the
prosecution might be a nice change, Susan. I think it's
important that you stick around. I mean, you have as
much to say as anyone else. I mean, you're a
human being. You have feelings you should express that you know.
(25:59):
And Gaylords, why don't you tell us a thing or two?
Public defender? Right? Yeah, of course, I've got all day. Gaylord,
you wanted to chime in there with my wife? Is
that what I'm hearing? Yeah, I'm starting to feel like
gay Lord might know something about that. Okay, I'll say it.
(26:21):
I uh, I was talking Michael. At this point in time,
you have not done anything wrong. Be careful what you
say this is a court, I think. I mean it's
my back basketball court at the house here it's and
he's a judge. If you say something wrong, listen, gay Lord,
(26:41):
he's trying to entrap you. I'm a public defender. You
can trust, Okay, if I may, if I made tim
You're not a public defender, you're the defend defend the public. Yeah,
and everybody knows you do a bang up job with it.
It's just I didn't text you. Yeah, but I've got
(27:04):
it inside, scoop. I know when the stories are you
know when the trust Are you a journalist or a
public defender? What you've got, Well, some people chase ambulances.
Other people just keep their ear to the ground for
when a text goes out. You're you're honor Sorry sorry interrupt,
but I just got word that old man Crookshank died.
(27:26):
So we're back to five oh one. My God, didn't
say did the words say what happened? Did the word say? Well,
he said, I just got word, So I didn't know
how he received that, Susan. You think it was one
word that accompassed everything that where he just expressed you
really don't understand what I'm saying. Gay lord, I know
(27:49):
exactly what you're saying, and it's confusing. I don't think
you know what you're saying. I didn't know how he
received the information. I was clearly he was hearing something.
You know what. I'm sorry. This is not about me.
This is not about me. Hey, your um, I have
an objection to your son's playing horse while we're trying
to handle whatever is getting handled here. Give it a rest,
(28:15):
thank you, your honor. Sorry about that. Alright, if we're
all good here that maybe I could go and there
could be a state thing going on. They might need
a lawyer. That's uh, And I can still keep my
day rating. How are you still ambulance chasing? When the
ambulance is parked in front of the house, the ambulance
(28:36):
chasing ear to the ground with text messaging. That's that's
the word message. I just heard words. Somebody died, and
you know what happens when somebody dies. You gotta split
up the money, and you know who you need a lawyer,
a public defender. The ambulance and my blocking anybody in.
You know, we're all gonna we can always drive around.
(28:57):
It is not you know, you're it's an ambulance we're
not gonna stop that. You know. Hey, man, all of
our parents are in there acting like jerks there in
my dad's basketball court or whatever, soying Scott. Yeah, yeah,
so I'm just thinking we get up to something, you know,
like why why aren't we rabble rousing or catting around
(29:20):
or to stop using old timey language around. Yeah. I
keep hearing my mom talk about what they did when
they were teenagers, and I just feel like we're wasting
some time here, some precious time generation and the generation
before them they literally waste their time. We should be
looking at coding. We should be thinking about how to
(29:42):
affect climate change. We should be thinking about how to
get each other registered to vote. I mean, I just
don't think the idea of going around and birdening the
public buildings is a good use of our time. I
just honestly think in general, we should be educating ourselves
in the way that the school system has been educating. No,
don't tell me to stop, Okay, no, don't. The new
girlfriend is really annoying that. Yeah, hey, Kenny, why don't
(30:06):
you get the cow to stop farting? And we cannot
worry about global climate? That's actually good point. We should
plug up all the cows butt man. I don't know
you guys, Scotty. Isn't that how your mom lost her
arms in the first place? Ye? Off the hands crazy,
(30:27):
just like a clean pop, no holes or anything. Yeah,
but that's okay since cows don't have hands. I don't
think there's gonna be any problem at all. I mean,
your dad did call all of the adults in the
neighborhood to the house for some reason this morning, Like
they're all there, we might as well, right, I just
feel like we strike while the iron is hot, and
(30:49):
all these plugs we just happened to have the butt plugs.
Let's do it. Their biotograde, well, anyway, let's do it,
are they? Yeah? Chrome ones? Chrome is biodegradable. It's a metal.
It just takes a long takes a one day. You're
going to go on to be the president or something. Hi? Yeah,
(31:13):
is this paranormals? Uh huh. I'm trying to get talk
with one of the HD scientists over paranormals. I know
that you guys do go stuff with oxygen. We kind
of split it. Who was that talking with the ghosts?
Was that talking to someone else before? We're both standing here.
Oh my god, I'm starting using a bluetooth, so you
(31:36):
didn't realize you're in speaker phone. I'm sorry, we should
have said that. Sorry about it. Usually people just come
into the store. Yeah, what's your deal. Well, I'm over
at Hutchinson County population of four ninety nine, sadly and uh,
just we need your help. It's something paranormal, something other
worldly is happening. Could you be more specific? Could you
(31:57):
describe an event? Yea, yeah, I was. I mean I
was getting to I mean, I was just building up.
We don't need like ghosts, we don't need to build up.
You could just get well, all the cows hooves have
popped off, okay, okay, it's all on their sides, and
I don't know what the hell is going on and
(32:20):
lifted again. I just feel like you're wasting some time there.
There was a pretty big pause between cows and you know,
if you could just get to the can I just
talk to one of you. Unfortunately, it sounds like he's
the guy he deals with the beasts of a natural origin.
I deal with the supernatural. These are natural origin, these
(32:41):
are cows. Are to deal with him because I deal
with the afterlife. Okay, you said paranormal. This is paranormal.
I don't know what this is. Who deals with aliens?
While you were right to uh to contact the livestock Department,
I don't know why you reached out to a paranormal
investigator for I don't know. I don't know. I was
(33:03):
there someone else on the line, or am I just
I'm using my bluetooth. I don't know if it's just me. Okay, Yeah,
I'm sorry about that. I just I've been I've been
watching all these documentaries about Beetle Juice and Edward Scissor Hands,
and it just it just I got I got into it.
Never really thought this was the best way to go.
Those documentaries were incredible, by the way, both of those
stories really happened. Yes, Oh, I know, I know they did.
(33:25):
I know they did. I mean that comes. Can you
imagine that big, big, great great great great great great
great great great great Livy he lives in New York City.
Can you imagine that with all those never been there
would love to go never been by a degradable chrome
(33:46):
butt plugs. Yeah, listen, Tim, I could use a little
direction on the reading of this opening Peace in the
Narration Alec, just just you're just narrating the story of
the real beetle Juice. It's it's it's just it's it's
(34:08):
very straightforward. This is the factual account of of beetle
Juice on straightforward. You know, hire John Lovett's for fox sake.
Oh okay, you want to act this all right? Um?
Make make it? Make it sound scary. I don't know that, Alec.
You've been impossible. We've been in this booth for six days.
(34:28):
I just need you to say you don't impossible. You
want a nice, smooth and easy Baldwin. Is that the idea? Yeah, honestly,
I'd like a smooth and easy Baldwin. His name is
Billy Baldwin. Noh god, I totally thought you were about
to start the script it begins. His name was beetle Juice.
(34:49):
I thought we were. Do you want something to eat
at all? We're gonna do a lunch run just a
bat Okay, does h Alec want anything? Or yeah? Give
me a slice of raise and original and a slice
of raise Coca cola. That's a raise and an original.
(35:11):
Bottom is cold. If it's not cold enough, you can
shove it up your ass. Okay, I'll back. What was
that guy's fucking problem. I don't think he knows what
rais original is because we don't have a raise original
in Burbank. I know you live in New York. I
know you live in New York, Alec and I know
things are better in New York. You talk about it
(35:34):
all the time, and I know you're a Broadway guy,
But can you please, for the love of God, just
just read the narration? Yeah, Tim, I'm sorry, I don't
live in Glendale. Just watch the documentary with me, Okay,
it just it. Just watch it. It's everything in here
is fucking true. This is real ship that's happening. I
don't okay, fine, just watching with me. Just watch it
(35:58):
with said. Yes, Why are you still acting defensive? I'm
not just watching with me. Information here, it's just the
information in this documentary. You're responding to me as if
I have said no. I am saying yes to you.
I would love for you to play play press play
on the fucking Netflix screen. Okay. It's it's just like
(36:21):
people don't know about this, so of course they're not
gonna is wrong with you? What is wrong with you?
I just want you to answer that for me. What's
wrong with me is I want you to understand where
I'm coming from. Okay, I just want you to take
play video video. I want to. I want to. I
want you to watch this with me. I want you
(36:43):
You have an iron grip around the Netflix remote. That's right,
Netflix said, is a special remote that don't you always
do this every time we're holding something, You've gotta have
this weird exposition about why we have it or where
we gotta. I know that, Okay, I know that. Just
watch this documentary with me saying yes. If you do
(37:06):
not play it in the next five seconds, I'm going
to lose it. Charlie, I got it. I got a
question about this paranormal Um. I was under the understanding
that paranormal was also supernatural. You usually handle you know,
bigfoot and stuff like that. Am I do I not
belong here? If I do, just ghosts? I mean you
(37:30):
want to start your own shop? Huh you're saying you
want to start your own shop. I don't want to.
I just always thought that paranormal was like everything that
was on except why would you break us up? I'm
not trying to break us up. I've just I've gotten
really self conscious ever since he said that, you know,
aliens are paranormal? Is that is that true? Charlie? Tell
(37:54):
the truth? Yeah they are. What does paranormal mean? Tell
the truth? Don't? Well you're You're right to consult a librarian.
Thank you. Nobody ever comes to ask us anything. Just
larger than normal? I think it's basically truth. Larger than
(38:15):
normal would be like Bigfoot's paranormal. Well that would be
more like cryptozoology. So two different imagined creatures is cryptozoology?
Aliens are paranormal? I'm sure they are. They not tell
the truth? Are they not? Because they aren't bigger? Okay,
(38:38):
Like I don't have that book. I'll need to to
look it up. Can you keep your voice down, by
the way, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, But here's
the real here's the kicker. I just need to know.
Can I work in a paranormal shop if I only
deal with ghosts? Just shoot it straight, Just shoot it straight, please.
(38:58):
So you're saying that, uh, paranormal creates a false impression
that you're gonna deal with more than ghosts. You're not
prepared to handle big Foot or aliens. You just want
to go on that stuff Okay, ghosts. If you have
somebody else at a different department discovering that stuff, I
think you're covered. Yeah, I don't think it's a whole
saveraging to say that you're you work for a paranormal
(39:21):
investigation firm. Thank you. Give me a hug. I can't
do that, COVID. There's quarantine this area if here, okay,
let's quarter that section now. Anybody coming in and out
of the field. I need to know who they are
and what they're doing. Okay. I don't want any contaminants
(39:42):
in here as they're already are. We don't know what
the hell is hiding these cows. We don't know what
the hell is in their ass, and we do we
do okay, Okay, it's biodegradable chrome butt plugs. Okay, now
we know all right, you know what, Let's move it
in the lines where people can't come in. All right,
why don't we do that. I'll make that. I'll do that.
(40:04):
You know what I'm saying. I'll come halfway. I'll come halfway.
Which are you just? You are we just making a
human chain to depend in these butt plugged cows? Well,
we're doing okay, we don't have the budget for take
all right, we don't have much, okay, Sorge, Yeah, there's
six of us. Why all the yelling? Well, well, I
(40:25):
want to make sure that you can hear me in
the field. All right, can you hear me close to you?
We're close to you. Now, get back, get back, get back. Okay,
but if we get backed in, our hands won't touch
and we can't make this chain. Why don't we just
tip these cows over and build a fence around. Don't
you don't you touch that. Don't you touch that cow.
(40:45):
Don't you touch that cow? But just tip it over.
And then if you tip cows, what do we teenagers
in a small town in Iowa. I'll arrest you, you, donnie,
I'll arrest your ask if you tip that? Try to
arrest me? Serious have you don't have the jurisdiction fucking
sheriff's department, you piece of ship. Let me tell you
(41:06):
some do it? Shi By. Oh we're doing dares now
and this guy's being too loud. Hey, Sorge, I dare
you to stab yourself? Oh God, alright, Jesus Christ. Look, okay, look,
you didn't make the w w E audition. All right,
(41:28):
that's not our fault. Okay, buddy, but you can't just
keep coming up to anyone you want and starting to
have a wrestling match. Alright, you cannot do that. All right,
that's assault. Sorry, there are six of us and two cows.
Can we just call it a day now? Okay? You know,
just you know what another happened to this town? Okay,
So finally we get a case and I'm fucking explainable
and I'm like, I figure all hands on that we're
(41:50):
gonna be for this ship. But nobody what serge? Uh?
What what parts? Unexplainable? How the biodegradable chrome butt plugs
got in these two cowses area? Yes? I think that, Yes,
and that blood bath was the inspiration for Beatles. I'm
John Lovett's Thanks John, Thanks John? That was perfect. Um,
(42:17):
I can't think if I need anything else right now?
You want to parking validated? Would you want to come
back tomorrow? Do ed Wood? Sure? That's not a true story,
is it all? I don't believe it? Okay, John? John?
High listen. Um Uh, We've had a couple of calls
(42:39):
about all the yelling, and um, I know what's your
thing and it's your stick, but I'm not a goddamn library. Right, No,
you're not. But this these walls are a little thinner
than we'd like them to be. So um uh, you
know today's work was great and we got a recording
of it, that's for sure. Well, i'd say burnt bronze
(43:01):
at this point. So when we come back tomorrow, when
we pick up fresh, maybe, um, maybe dash in a
little bit of humanity and reality when you talk? Are
you giving me a line rating? Sir? No, No, that
would be to actually say the line for you how
I want it done. In this case, I'm looking for
a different time. Hey, Henry, how you doing? I'm calling
(43:24):
on behalf of John. He's not gonna come in today, Okay.
He's pretty upset from what you were telling him the
day before, apparently with line readings and whatnot. Uh and
uh yeah, so he's uh if you know, yeah, that's great.
Is this John's roommate again? Yeah it is? Okay, yes
it is. And uh as as someone who lives run free,
(43:45):
I feel is my responsibility to call in and speak
for him in ways that he doesn't feel comfortable do.
And Henry, look, I like you. You know when I
met you, you were you were casual. You were fine,
but oh no, I think you've been very disrespectful to
him and he's not loving it. Now I'm still great,
it's still great that line. I love that John has
himself his very own kato kaalen. It's just when it
comes to what I do, I don't live in a
(44:07):
backhouse in the exact same apartment as John. All right, right,
that's a good point. That's a good point. So you're
more like the odd couple. I guess, I guess. And yeah,
he's a little there, he's dirty. I'm a little out there.
I'm dirty. Well again, this none of this is my business.
(44:29):
I'll tell you what. Let's tell you what when uh
if John wants to come back tomorrow, I just need
my notes input, you know, to slightly change his what
it is he does. Henry, I don't. I don't know
what you're not getting here. Okay, John does his things
the way he does because he loves it. He doesn't
(44:51):
want to do your thing because he's not loving it.
All right, Yeah, yeah, I really enjoy our our daily conversations.
By the way to well, I hope my roommate made
it clear what my parameters are. Yes, parameters are greater
than meters. Yep, yep, yep, yep. And so the idea
(45:15):
here is that you're loving it, bought up loving it
that has seen two ladies and Jews. Oh man, I
hope that made me hear what teenagers and I were
up to stuff. I mean, how much clear could we
(45:37):
in fact be? C three comes to us from Patreon B. P. James,
who wrote, I think this could be a great one. Okay,
those of you writing in suggestions, we don't need to qualifier.
(45:57):
You don't need to cast your opinion first, or you
offer up the scene. Okay. A grandpa in parentheses played
by Joey due to his fantastic extended monologues and parentheses,
tells his grandkids stories from the Vietnam War. Keep kicking ass. Yes,
(46:22):
So my granddad's gonna come downstairs. When he does, uh,
you know, just kind of go with it and uh,
the sooner he gets going, he's like, really old. I
don't think he should be coming down that's just it.
I'm hoping he doesn't come downstairs. I'm just warning you
in case he does. Why do you hate your grandpa
so much? Well, because he has a lot of money
(46:43):
and I'm looking forward to that money being mine. Is
that weird? That's why you hate him? No, I don't
hate him. He just asked you why do you hate him?
And you didn't first se I don't hate him. You
immediately went into that story. So don't we always hate
(47:04):
our parents and grandparents? You? I love my parents. I
love my grandparents because I love them and they're poor
and they won't give me money. See, this is what
I'm saying. If they had a lot of money, you
would hate them. That's how it works. You don't know.
I don't know. Money is the root of all evil. Exactly, exactly. Oh, kids, kids, kids,
(47:27):
everybody sit down. I don't know if you know this,
but it's my dad's birthday and he's gonna come down.
We're gonna have a birthday night for him. Do you
love your dad? Yeah? Tell the truth, Dad, Dad, Tell
the truth. He's he was wonderful. He's the one you
don't want to quite a bit. He's changed quite a bit.
(47:50):
He's gotten a little older, and I'll tell you sometimes.
You know. What I just want is everybody to have
a nice, calm evening. Try not to disrupt your sweating's birthday.
I'm just a little bit worried. Birthdays are a day
that he likes to reminisce. And let's just say that
Grandpa's got some things that are not good to reminisce about.
(48:11):
Here he comes, there, he comes, there, you come. Wow,
he moved so well. Look at all this stand here.
Everyone's just saying that dance stays? Is that right? Let
me alone upstairs? Your birthday, sucking birthday? Is that right? Well?
He left me upstairs with all the lights off. What
the hell was that about? Huh, don't trap. I'm not
(48:35):
gonna gonna get my fucking money. You know that, your
little ship, You're not gonna get my goddamn money. Watch
your language. These are children. None of people are past
the min I don't give a ship. I'll get any
to hear this language. Look, I know what he thinks.
I'm as sleep, he whispers as he walks around. I'm
gonna get all his money. I hate that, old man.
I hear you a little shit. No do you say that, son? No,
(48:57):
of course not. And when I say it's a joke,
like like how he smells funny and weird, that's a joke.
He doesn't smell funny and weird. Oh really, Why does
he smell differently than you? Dad? I smoke cigars, That's
why I smell like goddamn cigar. Do you smoke him
out of your ass? What the hell is this your ship?
(49:20):
Can you puff a cigar with your animal canal? I
think that maybe I'm gonna ask my mom to come
pick me up because having a birthday party. We're having
a birthday party dinner for Dad. All my fucking friends
are here, my ship, grandson and his two little weird friends,
and my dumbass son Tony Rood left me in the
dark upstairs. Great, you know it's my birthday and has
(49:45):
my birthday. I have the right to tell stories as
long as I want. Grandpa tell us a story. I'm
gonna tell you a story. Shut up, I'm gonna do that.
I tell your story A little thing called Vietnam. Do
you remember that you weren't alive? Boom boom boom boom
boom boom. Time was nineteen Me and my buddies. We
(50:13):
were just driving around Lincoln Spield, local, Ohio, were looking
anything for a local dairy queen. Hang what people were
screaming in the background. I remember what they say. My
memories gone thin, a lot of smalling pomer the morning,
(50:33):
and if you got the Queen, And there was the
most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, nineteen sixty eight Mark
fourteen Mustang Chevrolet. That car was the Beauty four fifty
four cubic inch engine to sixty two V eight nine
(50:54):
seven blowback seven victory. And then and and then when
and then um ship? Where was I was on a
hue And then Cindy, I gotta you, gotta bring some
food quick to get him to shut up. He's honey,
started a story, Tony, Tony. The kids will be fine.
(51:16):
They'll listen to the story for a little while. It'll
be okay. Is he telling the is he telling the
Vietnam stories again? I think he's giving the big abridged
version right now. But we've got to stop him before
he gets into any specific stories. These stories aren't appropriate
for children. I mean, he's already, is he already up
to the part about the huey and Lincolnville, Ohio? Walked
(51:36):
out on the huey and I thought it was an emergency.
Did you finish it? It's coming. But here here's some
Totino's pizza rolls. Thank you, thank you, thank you. So
then after the war, I went back in Washington, Northwest,
and I was completely rejected by the local sheriffs department.
Everyone else just snap. So I was in the woods
(51:59):
story and then I was just I was hunting everybody
you could imagine. I was hunting. And then I was
blowing up buildings inside this small town and they were
through the jungle. And then that what I remember when
Cindy the pizza rules didn't work. He didn't stop the
(52:20):
Oh my god, I'm sorry, honey. Well let's see what
else do we have. I don't think we're gonna have
to use some sort of physical restraint on him. Tony,
it's time that we have that talk. What about sending
your dad to a home. For God's sake, he used
to hunt police. Can we please? You know he's happy
(52:41):
upstairs in the dark attic, He's not happy upstairs. Every
time he comes down it's like the hose has been
bent on his weird life. Every time he comes downstairs,
he tells the worst stories. Do you know one of those?
And then and then afterwards I was alone and my friend,
Colonel Tradeum came to me and he said, we're gonna
need you back we're gonna to send you back into
(53:02):
Vietnam to save the po ws know the people, and
I said you, I'm not gonna do that. Ship I'm out.
And then and then if we send him to a
home one of those damn orderlies, it's going to trick
him into giving his money to them. We get the money. So, Tony,
is this about the money? No, it's side. I love
him so much, You're just like your son. Look, I've
(53:24):
I've been CEO of Totino's for forty years and you're
telling me that I spent of my ad budget on this? What?
What is this? First of all? Twenty minutes long? This
is not interesting? Well, it's depressing. It's depressing the music
licensing a and it's gonna kill us. Well that's our budget. Sorry.
(53:48):
You can definitely see how that's kind of affecting the
acting and the writing. But I do I do want
to say, just in general, people are all about it.
They can't get enough. I mean, just just look at
the comments I'm getting here. All read you, A read
you a fewer right here? Are we doing some of
the comments here? Uh? So this is this is running already? Y? Yes? No, well,
(54:11):
I mean yes, I'm running to buy you in the
sense that I want you to know what's happening. But so,
I mean, so you know, people are saying that they're going, oh,
well this, this reminds me a lot of Rambo or
or this. This sounds like a poor a poor representation
of what those films could have been. Other people are saying, no, sir,
gets better. Some people are also saying, like, hey, I
(54:31):
remember these propaganda films. Other people are saying, let's see,
we don't get the word propaganda associated. I think you
said Totino's Pizza rolls twice in the whole thing. Well,
you've only watched eleven minutes. We say it more as
it goes on. But I yes, sir, yes, sir. And
(54:58):
then here the other round of just Totino's Pizza to
take him out of. I don't want those fucking Tostino roles.
They taste like ship. Okay, okay, if you're going to
get the brand name out there, you gotta say it right,
right right. I mean, how many takes did you do
(55:19):
with this guy? Just one take? We just went all
the way through. So I think that what we have
here is an opportunity for not only younger generations to
know about what those movies were like, right, because we
don't have the money to the lexis those films, so
we have to have kind of summary about sometimes, like
you know what they're about and all that. And I
(55:43):
think I understand now what you mean when you say
you hate your grandfather, right, yeah, I want him. I
also want him to die so you can get all
of his money and then guess what, you get some
Why can I play with this bone arrow? All my
friends can play with I don't give a ship. We
all get some of your money. Yeah yeah, and we're
(56:05):
gonna live together in a giant mansion. What Yeah, All
we're gonna escape from all of our horrible parents and
live in one big giant Okay, so this commercial is
already playing, but I just want to get kind of
a feel for everyone who's been watching it. What what
feelings are coming up here? And you have three boxes
you can check off? Like it? I don't know, and
(56:26):
I don't like it, So I said, I don't know. Okay,
we got want I don't know. I don't know how
I feel. I don't like it. I don't like it, Okay,
I don't like it. Okay, not a lot. Okay, one
of the time, gentlemen, please all, I will ask you
to leave. I'm real sorry, go go go ahead. Well,
(56:49):
this is a lot longer than commercials abuse. So this
is like forty five minutes long, and there's there's profanity. Yes,
there's also like a whole kind of other a lot
of different plots going on. I'm not sure what. I'm
not sure what children trying to get money from their
grandfather has to do with Totino's pizza rolls. These are
(57:11):
these on the table? Are cold by the way to
get them? Until the film was done, so I enjoyed
did a lot of the music that I was wondering
why there was nothing by John Foberty. I think that
war is not the same without something. My tired Run
through the Jungle by CC are clearly played, you did, Okay.
(57:31):
I just feel like if I'm in the middle of
a show and all of a sudden, this, this film
of a commercial comes on after I'm waiting for a
cliffhanger to be resulted in my show, I'm just I'm
not going to enjoy the commercial. What about Fortunate Son?
Did you hear Fortunate Son? That's a favorite? A then
(57:51):
maybe they just couldn't get the license license. It wasn't there.
It wasn't there. It was it a cover. Now, no,
we are The budget went to the licensing of those songs,
so we that's where all that money was. Mhm. Was
there a was there a paranormal element to this? Uh?
There actually there was a paranoid thank you. Yeah. So
(58:14):
it wasn't aliens. It wasn't aliens. It was the fact
that the commercial was bigger than most normal commercials. Right,
I would say longer in length. I wouldn't say bigger,
but not always, not always. So let's do something. Let's
do something here where why don't we all I'm gonna
(58:34):
replay it? Okay, I have I have an appointment in
fifteen minutes. Okay, well if you need wait, you're telling
me I spent two million more dollars on testing for
a commercial that's already running. Yes, right, and look, if
you look, let me just read you some of the
some of the feedback that we got from these people here.
The majority had said, uh, was there any fleetwood mac okay? Uh.
(58:59):
Some other people had said, uh, I didn't like the tostinos,
they were too cold, and if they were hot enough
something scratched the top of my mouth. Now they were
clear that too. First, Yes, sir, yes, if we're just
the company for years now, Yes, sir, I have and
I love it. And uh, I'm just reading what they said.
They said so Tostino, some of them said Tostino's. So
(59:21):
why that's if if they watched our forty five minute
add and and came out not knowing the name of
the product, that's not go sir. I can't agree more.
That's why I've taken the liberty to sign your name
off of getting a whole series of these commercials greenlit.
So we're looking at maybe four or five, I mean,
as many as there are Rocky and Rambo movie. We're
going to be doing those kind of commercials and introducing
(59:43):
the backstory as well as lower mythology to this Tostino's family.
So if you be a trigger warning for veterans, I
think and that's our show. Oh let's of all of
our alchemists, please, Dr James Heeny, thank you so much
(01:00:03):
for being here today. Oh, thank you for having me
here today. And I understand a new cast hang went
down on the Friday, But my guess is this is
gonna air after that, but yeah, I was gonna fake
that part. We did a cast hang and it went
great and you're gonna upload it soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
thank you for that, Greigkowski. Oh man, that cast hang
(01:00:26):
was so much fun. Remember when we did that? That
was the best. That was a blast. I also watched
a little documentary called Misery Loves Comedy. Oh, that I
really enjoyed, directed by somebody in this very room. Thank
you for that and every big name you could think
of in comedy. It was really well done, annoyingly famous
(01:00:47):
funny people. Yes, um, how how did that come onto
your radar? Forgive me for selfishly asking. I watched it
on the Topic channel, which is just one of those
channels I think you could do a free trial on.
And I noticed that it was there, and I remember
that you had done it, but I've never seen it.
I'm glad that I did well. God bless us all,
everyone said the atheist Caroline Carter, thank you so much
(01:01:12):
for being here. You're welcome. I had a great time
at the hang. I had a great time watching the
movie to documentary, and folks should look up your wares
where I guess just Carter poop on Instagram. I don't know,
don't have anything happening. Beautiful and Mark Agliani, thanks so
(01:01:34):
much for rejoining. This is very fun and uh, you'll
be allegedly going back to work soon. On the television
program We Are We Are Blood and Treasure Season two
is coming this fall to CBS SO and then the
Fall still the same on the calendar as it was
(01:01:54):
last year. I know Fall is actually gonna be in
February now, yeah, Zephyr, Yeah, schedule is coming later because
of the whole you know, no Fall itself is coming later. Well,
I didn't believe that was changing. Actually we could do
(01:02:16):
a whole episode. And how the fact that the seasons
are no longer lining up the way they used to. Yes,
please let's do that. Write it in Joey grest I
really want to just give my time to James. I
really want to hear more about what he wants to do.
You can check me out a Jebby Grieber online. I
(01:02:37):
just on Instagram, I guess anywhere else? Uh, what else
was I gonna say? One of these? Let's give our
wholehearted thanks to our engineering producer to the stars, Mr
Doug Baan and the fine folks that I heard media.
(01:02:58):
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Thank you so very much.
Continue to write to us. I love replying to all
of your emails. Write your name here at alcove me
this dot com and please stay healthy and thank you
for your listenership. Until next time,
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy is covid N.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock, as that Kevin poll to
tell you the truth, I don't remember what it was
like to just, you know, break into people's houses without
them being there. But I digress. Let's meet our alchemists
and no particular order. Shall we say hello to James Heeny.
(00:29):
I knew you were going to try to get me first,
Johnny Handsome Heeny. When was the last time you bought
a new pillow? Um? About four years ago. I bought
a pillow with a foam corps and I ended up
not liking the sleep with just the foam corps, just
(00:50):
the phone corps. Yeah, it's like a memory phone had
a memory foam center, and I used it for a while,
but I just didn't like it. It was too big
of a pillow. But then I found it if I
took the memory foam core out, which is why I
bought it in the first place. That pillow was great.
Did you use a dog or any sort of animal
to burrow in and rip it out? No, it was
like it was like a sleeve. The pillow around it
(01:12):
was like a sleeve. You could pull the memory foam
just out of it really easily, probably to wash or something.
So am I say hey to Caroline Connor, Dr Peach
and pooh. If you were in the mafia, what would
your mobbed up nickname? B oh um old crusty? I
(01:38):
I don't remember being this happy look out. It's returning Champion,
Mark Gagliardi park your Marcus. What is your mobbed up nickname? Weirdly,
it's Mark Gagliardi, Welcome back. Thanks. Hey, there's Craig Kakowski
(02:03):
co cow. What do you get on your burger? And
how do you like it? Cooked? Medium? I'd like some pink,
like some pink in the middle. Um, I gotta I
gotta have cheese. You know you want to specify. I'd
love some tillamook Cheddarn sure you would, you know, straight
(02:23):
from the Oregon coast. Um, if bacon's on there, I'm
not gonna say no to that. If you put some
avocado in there, sir, you just tell us what you want,
yes or no. If you guys have mustard, I don't know. Uh,
I'd love some dijons, some yellow, but no catchup. For
(02:44):
God's sake, don't put ketchup on your burger. Hell yeah,
bring it off and last, but get a real nice
dose of chicken droppings in your bank. Love of if
you think I'm least it's Joey Greer, Jay Doug, can
you really bound? It's any chair on your chin and
or my balls? Yes, I can. Both are as rigid
(03:09):
and as hard as you can imagine. So it's it's
actually pretty easy. So any rigid object you can balance
on your chin. No, my chin is rigid and so
are your ball. That's why there's like a perfect groove.
I see so wondering. There's a masterclass on that. You
(03:31):
can just check that out. They call his chin the
perfect groove. All right, let's do a show, shall We
are seeing suggestions today mostly coming from your listener emails,
the rest of from our fine Patreon v I P. S.
If you'd like to submit your listener email, please write
to the podcast at your name here at alchemy desk
dot com. That's your name here at alchemy dot com.
(03:58):
See number one in fact, comes from Tree and v I. P. Chance,
who wrote, I finally remembered two message through the Patreon page.
But I digress. The scene is this A family enters
a haunted house but instead of the ghost being scary,
they just act normal and boring. Also, instead of hold
(04:18):
the door guy, it's hold the door ghost. Thanks. Please
tell James to calm the funk down on that coffee.
I have went down to one to two cups a
day and feels like I conquered a cocaine addiction. James
(04:39):
just took a big old gulp from his coffee. F y.
I it's a good coffee, though, Honey, did you hear
that well? Um? Yeah, but it wasn't me. I thought
that was you. No, that coughing sound. Oh oh my god,
I'm sorry. Um, yes, I heard that. I heard that
(04:59):
cough Okay, are you feeling sick because you were sick
for so long? And if you're sick now, you're looking
right at me. That's not me coughing. That's coming from
the wall. The walls coughing. Someone in the wall is coughing.
That's insane or Larry's back. Let's find out, Larry, Larry,
(05:21):
the ghost is that you? Did you bring a book
to read? Oh god, damn it, Larry Larry? Please, what
do we have to do to get you out of
this house? Or have to die so I can kill me.
I would love for you to be scary and kill me,
but you're just normal and boring. This is not helpful. Larry.
(05:45):
What are you reading these days? Um? I'm reading How
to Train Your Dragon? Okay, that's interesting. Can you tell us?
Can you tell us your second and third thing about
the book? Um? Sho, I don't know at the uh,
there's some pictures in the book, Larry, Larry, we've been
(06:10):
over this. You don't have to talk like what you
think a ghost sounds like you can just talk to
us man. And by the way, did you make friends
last time we spoke? It seems like it's been a year.
Oh my god, that's another cough coming from the opposite wall.
Are you throwing your voice, Larry? No, no, no, me sorry,
I mean no, that was me normal voice. First, Why
(06:33):
do you pretend? Because well, being a ghost, you know,
I figured we're supposed to. I'm Mike Helen, is it? Yeah?
I'm Helen. This is my husband, Frank. Hey, Frank, nice
to meet you, guys. Welcome my house. Quick question, how'd
you go? I'm always curious that. Oh man, that's super rude,
Like that's really rude. That's like, that's like asking someone
(06:55):
what they do for a living, Like right when you
meet them, that's what he does all the time. Maybe
you should get etiquette lessons, Frank Helen, is this really
their business? What do you mean is their business? You
asked them an extremely personal question. I think they're allowed
to kind of. And that's what it's like all the time,
all the time. Man, It's like they no matter how
(07:17):
many times I tell him how I passed, how did
you die? How did you die? It's like, look, I'm
stuck on this plane forever and they're making me relive
the horrific tragedy that that caused me to be here. Yeah,
I mean, I think they just there. It's a blind spot.
It's a blind spot form you know, this life privilege
man's life exactly exactly exactly. You know, everyone wants to
(07:37):
know what happened to the afterlife. Nobody asked me that.
Nobody asked me what is life over here? There's like
how did you get there? And what? I think? This
is the house I've I've got I've got a reading
on my Geiger counter, and I think that this is
the one that's got the ghosts in it. Your Geiger counter,
(07:57):
it's picking up some irregularities. It's radio activity, my man.
There's a real low hum of radioactivity to go. That's
why they glow. Idiot. Look, man, you're you're the scientist.
I'm not gonna not gonna challenge your authority here. All right,
We'll get the gas cans out of the back of
the truck. Okay, we're gonna burn this fucker down. That's oxygen, man,
(08:19):
those are oxygen tanks. That's flammable. That's a flammable gas tank.
I'm using gas in the traditional sense of it's a
catalyst for fire. Get the oxygen tanks out, all right, man,
Look what if there's humans living here? Though? You know
I don't want to burn down a house. You know
I don't either, But if those humans are in there,
there's a fifty percent chance that they've been possessed by
(08:40):
the ghosts the man, how do you know that? Man,
it's a that it's true or it's not true. It's
fifty chance it's either true or not true. Hey Frank Helen, Yeah,
I'm sorry to interrupt. Um, we're just it's okay. We're
(09:01):
just making love and it lasts for a short amount
of time, so you're not really interrupting at all. I
think times relative. When you're a ghost, it's ten seconds.
Ten seconds is ten seconds. I just want to thank
you again. I'm sorry to interrupt your love making, which
you guys are great at. By the way, thank you.
We've taken a lot of masterclasses seminars. Really, I'm sorry.
(09:23):
There's a as much as I love to talk about
making love, can't do it anymore. Um, there's a there's
a truck full of oxygen tanks out front, and they
look like they're unloading something. How long did you have
a delivery of more oxygen? I did, but that's not
scheduled till next month. Well how do yeah, you know,
(09:44):
I've been here for six years. And also you guys
just putting out some tanks over at the neighbor's house.
Huh Yeah, I think they're having a birthday party or something.
Oh yeah, I love me a birthday party. Haven't been
invited over in a long time. Yeah, you know, it's
just these things like I don't blame them. You know,
you know who knows why people like the privacy? You
(10:05):
know what I mean? Yeah, So it's I get it. People.
Is that a Geiger counter is? How do you get there. Yeah,
how did you do? Oh? Yeah, well my pop's he
worked for JPL, so you know, you know how it goes.
But anyway, you know, there's a lot of stuff going
on nowadays. Do you guys want to come inside me?
We're really busy, honestly, come on, I would be remiss
(10:27):
if you didn't come into. I got hot lemonade, I
got cold hot dogs. What do you want? I mean,
everything's all right. Well, I got some mother's stuff. I
got some mothers. Come out here. I mean, honey, who
are you talking to out here? Darn well, I'm talking
to I guess some planners. I don't know who. Hell
the hell? Anyway, they look like nice. They gotta come inside.
(10:49):
They gotta toward the house. They gotta get somebody drink.
Come talk to these guys. I gotta finish this up.
You talk to these guys, you're gonna douse the house
in oxygen to leave the oxygen outside. I'm gonna splash
it with some cleaner. Don't tell them what the cleaners meaning.
I look just like soap, water man. That's so no,
(11:10):
it's it's it's a homemade gasoline napalm with some soap
inside of it. I wasn't gonna say it, but this
really is. Guess Look you're the scientist man. Everything you're
saying is tracking so far. Thanks Terry. Thanks so your
folks must must really do it up for Halloween. Huh
oh my god. My little lady in there, she can't
(11:33):
get enough with you a coult. I'll tell you that
apparently her great grandmother was a witch of some shortened cast,
a spell that goes past generations. So you know, weren't
destined for greatness, but just ain't happen yet. So what
about you, Christian? No, I'm chuck. Oh, chuck, chuck. I
thought he said Terry or something like that. I don't know,
(11:53):
don't know. I don't know the scientist. I get that.
I that's great. My dad worked for JPL. I don't
know if I mentioned that. But you're familiar. Was a
lot of Geiger counters. You're familiar. Yeah, oh wow, that's great.
That's great. Yeah, so come on inside checking out. We
(12:14):
got a pool indoors. I really can't you take a
break from so Mike? Uh yeah, I feel like we've
we've been talking a while. Maybe it's slightly more appropriate. Now,
how how did you how did you go. I knew
that was coming, man, I knew that was coming. Um.
You know what I used to be. I was a
(12:36):
librarian and uh and I was just sitting in my
library one day, uh, yelling yelling at some kids. And uh,
you were yelling in the library. I thought you were
supposed to be quiet in there. You are. And that's
what I was actually yelling at these kids to be.
What I have is I have a rip that page open?
(13:00):
Double dog army. Who's yelling in my library? Did I
just hear you say rip a page open? Yeah? And
I did it a piece of ship. Make this I
will make I will come over there right now. I
will come over there right now. And I who put this?
Who put this here? Who put this here? Under the
(13:22):
leg of this who put this here under the leg
of this this shelf? Put this here? Yeah? Who put
this knife under the well? Did as a prank? Darry
to stab yourself with it? If it will shut you
kids up? I will stab myself in the heart with
this knife the library. Do it? So that's um, that's
(13:45):
how I went. I mean, in retrospect. In retrospect, I
don't know why I let him get to me like that.
You know, kids can be really mean to a librarian. Yeah,
it sound just from that story you told us. And again,
I'm so sorry that happened to you, but it sounds
like it escalated so quickly. Were you just a very
bad librarian? Uh, that's what the bosses said. I didn't
(14:08):
think I was, but like at four different libraries they
had said that. Okay, Mike, um, thank you for coming in. Yeah. Sure,
you know you're kind of getting passed around here. Uh
and uh, I'm looking at your your reports from previous
employment in the county library system, and you know, high
(14:29):
high levels of aggression. And you know, one of the
things that I like about the library is that it
can be a place of peace and trying quility. Okay,
it looks like you're really digging your nails into that
chair there. I'm just I'm sorry, Mrs Henderson. It's just
that when you know, when people I don't like being
told to relax. I don't like being told to calm down.
(14:53):
You And oh wow, who put this knife under your chair?
Some students did? Some kids came in. See this kind
of stuff drives me. Christ hold on, hold on, calm down,
just come down now. I dare you distab yourself? All right,
Hey Tommy, we're gonna order some luncheon today. Did you
(15:13):
want to get something? Yeah, let's get a why don't
we get just give me a whole pig uncooked and uh,
I'll probably get to it later tonight. Okay, you want
to side with that, let me get another pig I'll take.
Did you want anything? Oh, we were in the middle
(15:34):
of We were in the middle of my interview here
and and and then suddenly you're you're ordering pigs. Well,
you know what going. Well, I'll let you do it,
all right, Terry, Chuck whatever. It's time to go. We
should wrap up whatever you If you're drinking that lemonade
piping hot, we got to go. Okay, we got three
(15:54):
minutes and forty seven seconds left before it's too late. Right,
let's blow up all those fuck ghosts ghosts. I hate ghosts,
all right. So so Mike, um, it sounds like in
that life you had some business to work out. Yeah.
By the way, they're smearing something all over the front
(16:16):
of this house. I don't know if it's soap or
napalm or what, but there they were. Sorry, heads up,
would you mind maybe? Uh? If giving a shot, you
talk to the people out front. You know what? Yeah,
I'm sorry, go ahead, Where are you gonna say? I
was just gonna say we would do it, but we
don't want to. That's that's fair. I mean, look, I'm
(16:40):
I'm a helpful ghost. I'm here. I've been working on
my anger. So let's see if let's see if this
doesn't blow up in my face. But there's no there
are no knives out there, Mike, if nothing else, Oh,
thank goodness. All right, I'm going out front. I'm gonna
go through this wall. Sorry, that wall is locked. Going
through this wall. Hey, ellas, yeah, told you my Gaiger
(17:05):
counter was working. Yeah, I'm guys. Do you say geiger counter?
Like a Geiger counter? It's how I find ghosts before
I blow them up. I got him check out my
radio activity levels than I never wondered why you glowed?
Am I the only scientist ghost hunter around? What is
going on? Maybe? Um? I just Frank and Helen. Um.
(17:30):
Frank and Helen don't want you messing with their house.
If that's okay, Well, who are they more ghosts? No? No, no, no, no,
they're the humans that live here. It's just me and
Larry who still has my copy of How to Train
Your Dragon, but I can't get into that with him
right now. Just two of them? Um, yeah, could you
what is this stuff that you're smearing all over the place?
(17:51):
Because this seems a mixture of gasoline and dawn dish
soak are filled with oxygen. But what I've wiped down
the sides of the molding, Like, I don't know how
it's gonna work. But he's a scientist, he is a
sci Are you look familiar? Man? You like a librarian
(18:15):
years ago that I dared to stab himself. Wait you
were that? Are you Chuck? I was Chuck? Then I'm
Terry now. Yeah, the background check for Chuck turned out
real bad. Terry ended up super clean. I like Terry
a lot more than Chuck. You know, Terry, Chuck whatever
(18:36):
you're calling yourself now. I honestly I gotta thank you, man. Um,
you taught me I had some anger issues. Uh, And
in my ghost life, I've just been everything's been super calm,
and I'm I'm really just trying to I'm really just
trying to turn over a new leaf. So I'd really
appreciate it if if you guys wouldn't you know, step
(18:57):
on that right now. Hey, here's an idea, though, Why
don't you go next door? Those two the nosy the
nosy neighbors next door, Why don't you just smear this
oxygen all over their place and blow their house up.
If you guys really need to blow something up. I'm
sure they probably have ghosts to you were this was
specifically to get rid of me. Yeah, it's if we
blow up the foundation of the house you're haunting, you'll
(19:18):
have nowhere to go. I mean, that's kind of thrown
out the baby with the bathwater. I could just go
to another house. Why why hunting this house anywhere? That
that library was like two counties over. I always like
this house. I used to drive by it as a kid,
and it's got the wrap around port. Tethered to this house?
(19:38):
No man, a stupid beetle juice documentary. Wait, I'm sorry
beetlejuice documentary. We watched documentary about the real beetle juice.
I thought, I thought in the afterlife, you were tethered
to a house. This is bullship what narrated it. I
could just as easily go next door. You know, what
(19:59):
if if they want me to Frank and Helen. They
seem nice, like they don't even seem like they want
us to leave. Who called you? I followed my guigro colendar.
I've got a long Okay, that's twenty tanks of oxygen
you want to return? Is that right, sir? Yeah? I
don't need him anymore. There was a lot of oxygen
(20:21):
everywhere around us. So, but I'm I mean, some of
these are empty, sir. I can't just take these tanks back. Well,
I opened them up and the oxygen was released, sir. So,
I mean, I'm sure you just fill it back up.
It's the tank that costs so much, right, it can't
be the oxygen, because I could blow oxygen at you
(20:42):
all afternoon. You're gonna pay me for it. That's carbon
dioxide what you're blowing at me. Alright, alright, you gotta
be there. Okay, I'm a scientist, a fan, I'll use
a fan. Okay, Look, sir, I cannot. I can't accept
this return. I can't afford to keep. But you can't afford.
(21:03):
You purchased them, so they don't cost you more money
that house or a hold. It's just yeah, I just
I need to I need to allocate the money that
I spent. I'm sorry, your friend. Can you please put
those down? Please? Sir? Can you please put those knives down?
To your partner comes in all the time you're touching
the knives. Look, um, I can't take these back, sir.
I'm sorry. You're gonna have to store credit. Come on,
(21:25):
store credit for the tank. Yeah, okay, sixty nine cents.
Oh ship. Anyway, I'm sorry. Sorry I made you kill
yourself all those years ago. It's it's been nice having
you around the apartment. Yeah, you know, this place is great, man,
this is great. You got you got all these books here,
(21:45):
you know what. I'm glad you kept reading. Honestly, I'm
glad you kept reading. Once a librarian, always a librarian. Huh, Chuck.
I think I'm sorry Terry. Now you know I didn't much.
I didn't much care for Chuck, but but I really
like Terry. Do you mind if I and fight my
buddy Larry over? I think you love it here. Whatever
(22:07):
floats your boat. The more, the more ghosts, the better.
I think. I think that guy I was working with
was sucking crazy, and I've seen one. Oh. He finally
came to his senses about his partner and crime. You
can't ask for more than that, seemed to today comes
(22:29):
from listener, who wrote, Alchemist, I am from a tiny
town in Iowa that has a population just over five people,
just over. You don't want to give us the exact number,
if it's point five people. Yeah, we have one gas
(22:53):
station and a bar, that same thing. It's the same thing.
So I'm curious to hear what you guys think teenagers
do here for fun. Oh and no, we don't tip
cows because it's very harmful to them. Thanks a lot,
Hayley from Iowa. Uh, next case here Jensen versus car Michael,
(23:25):
who would like to speak for either party? You're on
or Uh, I'm I'm I'm Tony Jensen. Yeah, I mean
you know, I'm Tony Jensen. There's there's every two of
us in this town, is it too now? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?
They they had the baby over at the partner places.
(23:48):
Yeah as really nice. Anyway, anyway, what's this about your honor?
I got a I got a text message to come in. Well,
it seems that one of your cow's got loose, and uh,
rather than being tipped over, it was set up right.
Apparently it had fallen and some of the kids in
(24:13):
towns set her up right, So we just wanted to
get the get some answers, that's all, am I. When
the verses kind of comes into play, my am I
not on Is it just about the cow then, because
I also got a text message to come in here.
And now you're saying, yeah, you're boys, your boys are
(24:34):
the one who apparently put the cow up right. Yeah,
I'm just I'm just a family. If you just so,
I no, no, no, Maybe we should be talking to
each other then, because it doesn't sound like these guys,
I can't really tell if a crime has happened or not.
That's what I'm saying is I got a text to
show up here too, and I'm just looks like the
one person in the jury box. So I feel like,
(24:57):
why do you need me if there's a judge? Oh,
we don't need to go to a jury. I don't
think on this one. Just I supposed to do If
I'm here, I got texted, I got off work today.
Would you mind taking some notes, Susan, I don't have hands,
but sure, I'll do my fucking best. Hey, your honor. Look, yeah,
(25:18):
I don't wanna I don't wanna you know, seem out
of line here, but you don't want to. I don't
want to. But you called us all here. I mean
the text message clearly came from your phone. Yep. Is
this about the divorce? Man? Did you just need someone
to talk to? All right? Yep? I guess that's what
(25:39):
it's about. Can I leave because I don't want you
to talk about our marriage in front of everyone? Okay?
If you have? The divorce is hard for me too,
I'm gonna go. I just thought some witnesses for the
prosecution might be a nice change, Susan. I think it's
important that you stick around. I mean, you have as
much to say as anyone else. I mean, you're a
human being. You have feelings you should express that you know.
(25:59):
And Gaylords, why don't you tell us a thing or two?
Public defender? Right? Yeah, of course, I've got all day. Gaylord,
you wanted to chime in there with my wife? Is
that what I'm hearing? Yeah, I'm starting to feel like
gay Lord might know something about that. Okay, I'll say it.
(26:21):
I uh, I was talking Michael. At this point in time,
you have not done anything wrong. Be careful what you
say this is a court, I think. I mean it's
my back basketball court at the house here it's and
he's a judge. If you say something wrong, listen, gay Lord,
(26:41):
he's trying to entrap you. I'm a public defender. You
can trust, Okay, if I may, if I made tim
You're not a public defender, you're the defend defend the public. Yeah,
and everybody knows you do a bang up job with it.
It's just I didn't text you. Yeah, but I've got
(27:04):
it inside, scoop. I know when the stories are you
know when the trust Are you a journalist or a
public defender? What you've got, Well, some people chase ambulances.
Other people just keep their ear to the ground for
when a text goes out. You're you're honor Sorry sorry interrupt,
but I just got word that old man Crookshank died.
(27:26):
So we're back to five oh one. My God, didn't
say did the words say what happened? Did the word say? Well,
he said, I just got word, So I didn't know
how he received that, Susan. You think it was one
word that accompassed everything that where he just expressed you
really don't understand what I'm saying. Gay lord, I know
(27:49):
exactly what you're saying, and it's confusing. I don't think
you know what you're saying. I didn't know how he
received the information. I was clearly he was hearing something.
You know what. I'm sorry. This is not about me.
This is not about me. Hey, your um, I have
an objection to your son's playing horse while we're trying
to handle whatever is getting handled here. Give it a rest,
(28:15):
thank you, your honor. Sorry about that. Alright, if we're
all good here that maybe I could go and there
could be a state thing going on. They might need
a lawyer. That's uh, And I can still keep my
day rating. How are you still ambulance chasing? When the
ambulance is parked in front of the house, the ambulance
(28:36):
chasing ear to the ground with text messaging. That's that's
the word message. I just heard words. Somebody died, and
you know what happens when somebody dies. You gotta split
up the money, and you know who you need a lawyer,
a public defender. The ambulance and my blocking anybody in.
You know, we're all gonna we can always drive around.
(28:57):
It is not you know, you're it's an ambulance we're
not gonna stop that. You know. Hey, man, all of
our parents are in there acting like jerks there in
my dad's basketball court or whatever, soying Scott. Yeah, yeah,
so I'm just thinking we get up to something, you know,
like why why aren't we rabble rousing or catting around
(29:20):
or to stop using old timey language around. Yeah. I
keep hearing my mom talk about what they did when
they were teenagers, and I just feel like we're wasting
some time here, some precious time generation and the generation
before them they literally waste their time. We should be
looking at coding. We should be thinking about how to
(29:42):
affect climate change. We should be thinking about how to
get each other registered to vote. I mean, I just
don't think the idea of going around and birdening the
public buildings is a good use of our time. I
just honestly think in general, we should be educating ourselves
in the way that the school system has been educating. No,
don't tell me to stop, Okay, no, don't. The new
girlfriend is really annoying that. Yeah, hey, Kenny, why don't
(30:06):
you get the cow to stop farting? And we cannot
worry about global climate? That's actually good point. We should
plug up all the cows butt man. I don't know
you guys, Scotty. Isn't that how your mom lost her
arms in the first place? Ye? Off the hands crazy,
(30:27):
just like a clean pop, no holes or anything. Yeah,
but that's okay since cows don't have hands. I don't
think there's gonna be any problem at all. I mean,
your dad did call all of the adults in the
neighborhood to the house for some reason this morning, Like
they're all there, we might as well, right, I just
feel like we strike while the iron is hot, and
(30:49):
all these plugs we just happened to have the butt plugs.
Let's do it. Their biotograde, well, anyway, let's do it,
are they? Yeah? Chrome ones? Chrome is biodegradable. It's a metal.
It just takes a long takes a one day. You're
going to go on to be the president or something. Hi? Yeah,
(31:13):
is this paranormals? Uh huh. I'm trying to get talk
with one of the HD scientists over paranormals. I know
that you guys do go stuff with oxygen. We kind
of split it. Who was that talking with the ghosts?
Was that talking to someone else before? We're both standing here.
Oh my god, I'm starting using a bluetooth, so you
(31:36):
didn't realize you're in speaker phone. I'm sorry, we should
have said that. Sorry about it. Usually people just come
into the store. Yeah, what's your deal. Well, I'm over
at Hutchinson County population of four ninety nine, sadly and uh,
just we need your help. It's something paranormal, something other
worldly is happening. Could you be more specific? Could you
(31:57):
describe an event? Yea, yeah, I was. I mean I
was getting to I mean, I was just building up.
We don't need like ghosts, we don't need to build up.
You could just get well, all the cows hooves have
popped off, okay, okay, it's all on their sides, and
I don't know what the hell is going on and
(32:20):
lifted again. I just feel like you're wasting some time there.
There was a pretty big pause between cows and you know,
if you could just get to the can I just
talk to one of you. Unfortunately, it sounds like he's
the guy he deals with the beasts of a natural origin.
I deal with the supernatural. These are natural origin, these
(32:41):
are cows. Are to deal with him because I deal
with the afterlife. Okay, you said paranormal. This is paranormal.
I don't know what this is. Who deals with aliens?
While you were right to uh to contact the livestock Department,
I don't know why you reached out to a paranormal
investigator for I don't know. I don't know. I was
(33:03):
there someone else on the line, or am I just
I'm using my bluetooth. I don't know if it's just me. Okay, Yeah,
I'm sorry about that. I just I've been I've been
watching all these documentaries about Beetle Juice and Edward Scissor Hands,
and it just it just I got I got into it.
Never really thought this was the best way to go.
Those documentaries were incredible, by the way, both of those
stories really happened. Yes, Oh, I know, I know they did.
(33:25):
I know they did. I mean that comes. Can you
imagine that big, big, great great great great great great
great great great great Livy he lives in New York City.
Can you imagine that with all those never been there
would love to go never been by a degradable chrome
(33:46):
butt plugs. Yeah, listen, Tim, I could use a little
direction on the reading of this opening Peace in the
Narration Alec, just just you're just narrating the story of
the real beetle Juice. It's it's it's just it's it's
(34:08):
very straightforward. This is the factual account of of beetle
Juice on straightforward. You know, hire John Lovett's for fox sake.
Oh okay, you want to act this all right? Um?
Make make it? Make it sound scary. I don't know that, Alec.
You've been impossible. We've been in this booth for six days.
(34:28):
I just need you to say you don't impossible. You
want a nice, smooth and easy Baldwin. Is that the idea? Yeah, honestly,
I'd like a smooth and easy Baldwin. His name is
Billy Baldwin. Noh god, I totally thought you were about
to start the script it begins. His name was beetle Juice.
(34:49):
I thought we were. Do you want something to eat
at all? We're gonna do a lunch run just a
bat Okay, does h Alec want anything? Or yeah? Give
me a slice of raise and original and a slice
of raise Coca cola. That's a raise and an original.
(35:11):
Bottom is cold. If it's not cold enough, you can
shove it up your ass. Okay, I'll back. What was
that guy's fucking problem. I don't think he knows what
rais original is because we don't have a raise original
in Burbank. I know you live in New York. I
know you live in New York, Alec and I know
things are better in New York. You talk about it
(35:34):
all the time, and I know you're a Broadway guy,
But can you please, for the love of God, just
just read the narration? Yeah, Tim, I'm sorry, I don't
live in Glendale. Just watch the documentary with me, Okay,
it just it. Just watch it. It's everything in here
is fucking true. This is real ship that's happening. I
don't okay, fine, just watching with me. Just watch it
(35:58):
with said. Yes, Why are you still acting defensive? I'm
not just watching with me. Information here, it's just the
information in this documentary. You're responding to me as if
I have said no. I am saying yes to you.
I would love for you to play play press play
on the fucking Netflix screen. Okay. It's it's just like
(36:21):
people don't know about this, so of course they're not
gonna is wrong with you? What is wrong with you?
I just want you to answer that for me. What's
wrong with me is I want you to understand where
I'm coming from. Okay, I just want you to take
play video video. I want to. I want to. I
want you to watch this with me. I want you
(36:43):
You have an iron grip around the Netflix remote. That's right,
Netflix said, is a special remote that don't you always
do this every time we're holding something, You've gotta have
this weird exposition about why we have it or where
we gotta. I know that, Okay, I know that. Just
watch this documentary with me saying yes. If you do
(37:06):
not play it in the next five seconds, I'm going
to lose it. Charlie, I got it. I got a
question about this paranormal Um. I was under the understanding
that paranormal was also supernatural. You usually handle you know,
bigfoot and stuff like that. Am I do I not
belong here? If I do, just ghosts? I mean you
(37:30):
want to start your own shop? Huh you're saying you
want to start your own shop. I don't want to.
I just always thought that paranormal was like everything that
was on except why would you break us up? I'm
not trying to break us up. I've just I've gotten
really self conscious ever since he said that, you know,
aliens are paranormal? Is that is that true? Charlie? Tell
(37:54):
the truth? Yeah they are. What does paranormal mean? Tell
the truth? Don't? Well you're You're right to consult a librarian.
Thank you. Nobody ever comes to ask us anything. Just
larger than normal? I think it's basically truth. Larger than
(38:15):
normal would be like Bigfoot's paranormal. Well that would be
more like cryptozoology. So two different imagined creatures is cryptozoology?
Aliens are paranormal? I'm sure they are. They not tell
the truth? Are they not? Because they aren't bigger? Okay,
(38:38):
Like I don't have that book. I'll need to to
look it up. Can you keep your voice down, by
the way, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, But here's
the real here's the kicker. I just need to know.
Can I work in a paranormal shop if I only
deal with ghosts? Just shoot it straight, Just shoot it straight, please.
(38:58):
So you're saying that, uh, paranormal creates a false impression
that you're gonna deal with more than ghosts. You're not
prepared to handle big Foot or aliens. You just want
to go on that stuff Okay, ghosts. If you have
somebody else at a different department discovering that stuff, I
think you're covered. Yeah, I don't think it's a whole
saveraging to say that you're you work for a paranormal
(39:21):
investigation firm. Thank you. Give me a hug. I can't
do that, COVID. There's quarantine this area if here, okay,
let's quarter that section now. Anybody coming in and out
of the field. I need to know who they are
and what they're doing. Okay. I don't want any contaminants
(39:42):
in here as they're already are. We don't know what
the hell is hiding these cows. We don't know what
the hell is in their ass, and we do we
do okay, Okay, it's biodegradable chrome butt plugs. Okay, now
we know all right, you know what, Let's move it
in the lines where people can't come in. All right,
why don't we do that. I'll make that. I'll do that.
(40:04):
You know what I'm saying. I'll come halfway. I'll come halfway.
Which are you just? You are we just making a
human chain to depend in these butt plugged cows? Well,
we're doing okay, we don't have the budget for take
all right, we don't have much, okay, Sorge, Yeah, there's
six of us. Why all the yelling? Well, well, I
(40:25):
want to make sure that you can hear me in
the field. All right, can you hear me close to you?
We're close to you. Now, get back, get back, get back. Okay,
but if we get backed in, our hands won't touch
and we can't make this chain. Why don't we just
tip these cows over and build a fence around. Don't
you don't you touch that. Don't you touch that cow.
(40:45):
Don't you touch that cow? But just tip it over.
And then if you tip cows, what do we teenagers
in a small town in Iowa. I'll arrest you, you, donnie,
I'll arrest your ask if you tip that? Try to
arrest me? Serious have you don't have the jurisdiction fucking
sheriff's department, you piece of ship. Let me tell you
(41:06):
some do it? Shi By. Oh we're doing dares now
and this guy's being too loud. Hey, Sorge, I dare
you to stab yourself? Oh God, alright, Jesus Christ. Look, okay, look,
you didn't make the w w E audition. All right,
(41:28):
that's not our fault. Okay, buddy, but you can't just
keep coming up to anyone you want and starting to
have a wrestling match. Alright, you cannot do that. All right,
that's assault. Sorry, there are six of us and two cows.
Can we just call it a day now? Okay? You know,
just you know what another happened to this town? Okay,
So finally we get a case and I'm fucking explainable
and I'm like, I figure all hands on that we're
(41:50):
gonna be for this ship. But nobody what serge? Uh?
What what parts? Unexplainable? How the biodegradable chrome butt plugs
got in these two cowses area? Yes? I think that, Yes,
and that blood bath was the inspiration for Beatles. I'm
John Lovett's Thanks John, Thanks John? That was perfect. Um,
(42:17):
I can't think if I need anything else right now?
You want to parking validated? Would you want to come
back tomorrow? Do ed Wood? Sure? That's not a true story,
is it all? I don't believe it? Okay, John? John?
High listen. Um Uh, We've had a couple of calls
(42:39):
about all the yelling, and um, I know what's your
thing and it's your stick, but I'm not a goddamn library. Right, No,
you're not. But this these walls are a little thinner
than we'd like them to be. So um uh, you
know today's work was great and we got a recording
of it, that's for sure. Well, i'd say burnt bronze
(43:01):
at this point. So when we come back tomorrow, when
we pick up fresh, maybe, um, maybe dash in a
little bit of humanity and reality when you talk? Are
you giving me a line rating? Sir? No, No, that
would be to actually say the line for you how
I want it done. In this case, I'm looking for
a different time. Hey, Henry, how you doing? I'm calling
(43:24):
on behalf of John. He's not gonna come in today, Okay.
He's pretty upset from what you were telling him the
day before, apparently with line readings and whatnot. Uh and
uh yeah, so he's uh if you know, yeah, that's great.
Is this John's roommate again? Yeah it is? Okay, yes
it is. And uh as as someone who lives run free,
(43:45):
I feel is my responsibility to call in and speak
for him in ways that he doesn't feel comfortable do.
And Henry, look, I like you. You know when I
met you, you were you were casual. You were fine,
but oh no, I think you've been very disrespectful to
him and he's not loving it. Now I'm still great,
it's still great that line. I love that John has
himself his very own kato kaalen. It's just when it
comes to what I do, I don't live in a
(44:07):
backhouse in the exact same apartment as John. All right, right,
that's a good point. That's a good point. So you're
more like the odd couple. I guess, I guess. And yeah,
he's a little there, he's dirty. I'm a little out there.
I'm dirty. Well again, this none of this is my business.
(44:29):
I'll tell you what. Let's tell you what when uh
if John wants to come back tomorrow, I just need
my notes input, you know, to slightly change his what
it is he does. Henry, I don't. I don't know
what you're not getting here. Okay, John does his things
the way he does because he loves it. He doesn't
(44:51):
want to do your thing because he's not loving it.
All right, Yeah, yeah, I really enjoy our our daily conversations.
By the way to well, I hope my roommate made
it clear what my parameters are. Yes, parameters are greater
than meters. Yep, yep, yep, yep. And so the idea
(45:15):
here is that you're loving it, bought up loving it
that has seen two ladies and Jews. Oh man, I
hope that made me hear what teenagers and I were
up to stuff. I mean, how much clear could we
(45:37):
in fact be? C three comes to us from Patreon B. P. James,
who wrote, I think this could be a great one. Okay,
those of you writing in suggestions, we don't need to qualifier.
(45:57):
You don't need to cast your opinion first, or you
offer up the scene. Okay. A grandpa in parentheses played
by Joey due to his fantastic extended monologues and parentheses,
tells his grandkids stories from the Vietnam War. Keep kicking ass. Yes,
(46:22):
So my granddad's gonna come downstairs. When he does, uh,
you know, just kind of go with it and uh,
the sooner he gets going, he's like, really old. I
don't think he should be coming down that's just it.
I'm hoping he doesn't come downstairs. I'm just warning you
in case he does. Why do you hate your grandpa
so much? Well, because he has a lot of money
(46:43):
and I'm looking forward to that money being mine. Is
that weird? That's why you hate him? No, I don't
hate him. He just asked you why do you hate him?
And you didn't first se I don't hate him. You
immediately went into that story. So don't we always hate
(47:04):
our parents and grandparents? You? I love my parents. I
love my grandparents because I love them and they're poor
and they won't give me money. See, this is what
I'm saying. If they had a lot of money, you
would hate them. That's how it works. You don't know.
I don't know. Money is the root of all evil. Exactly, exactly. Oh, kids, kids, kids,
(47:27):
everybody sit down. I don't know if you know this,
but it's my dad's birthday and he's gonna come down.
We're gonna have a birthday night for him. Do you
love your dad? Yeah? Tell the truth, Dad, Dad, Tell
the truth. He's he was wonderful. He's the one you
don't want to quite a bit. He's changed quite a bit.
(47:50):
He's gotten a little older, and I'll tell you sometimes.
You know. What I just want is everybody to have
a nice, calm evening. Try not to disrupt your sweating's birthday.
I'm just a little bit worried. Birthdays are a day
that he likes to reminisce. And let's just say that
Grandpa's got some things that are not good to reminisce about.
(48:11):
Here he comes, there, he comes, there, you come. Wow,
he moved so well. Look at all this stand here.
Everyone's just saying that dance stays? Is that right? Let
me alone upstairs? Your birthday, sucking birthday? Is that right? Well?
He left me upstairs with all the lights off. What
the hell was that about? Huh, don't trap. I'm not
(48:35):
gonna gonna get my fucking money. You know that, your
little ship, You're not gonna get my goddamn money. Watch
your language. These are children. None of people are past
the min I don't give a ship. I'll get any
to hear this language. Look, I know what he thinks.
I'm as sleep, he whispers as he walks around. I'm
gonna get all his money. I hate that, old man.
I hear you a little shit. No do you say that, son? No,
(48:57):
of course not. And when I say it's a joke,
like like how he smells funny and weird, that's a joke.
He doesn't smell funny and weird. Oh really, Why does
he smell differently than you? Dad? I smoke cigars, That's
why I smell like goddamn cigar. Do you smoke him
out of your ass? What the hell is this your ship?
(49:20):
Can you puff a cigar with your animal canal? I
think that maybe I'm gonna ask my mom to come
pick me up because having a birthday party. We're having
a birthday party dinner for Dad. All my fucking friends
are here, my ship, grandson and his two little weird friends,
and my dumbass son Tony Rood left me in the
dark upstairs. Great, you know it's my birthday and has
(49:45):
my birthday. I have the right to tell stories as
long as I want. Grandpa tell us a story. I'm
gonna tell you a story. Shut up, I'm gonna do that.
I tell your story A little thing called Vietnam. Do
you remember that you weren't alive? Boom boom boom boom
boom boom. Time was nineteen Me and my buddies. We
(50:13):
were just driving around Lincoln Spield, local, Ohio, were looking
anything for a local dairy queen. Hang what people were
screaming in the background. I remember what they say. My
memories gone thin, a lot of smalling pomer the morning,
(50:33):
and if you got the Queen, And there was the
most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, nineteen sixty eight Mark
fourteen Mustang Chevrolet. That car was the Beauty four fifty
four cubic inch engine to sixty two V eight nine
(50:54):
seven blowback seven victory. And then and and then when
and then um ship? Where was I was on a
hue And then Cindy, I gotta you, gotta bring some
food quick to get him to shut up. He's honey,
started a story, Tony, Tony. The kids will be fine.
(51:16):
They'll listen to the story for a little while. It'll
be okay. Is he telling the is he telling the
Vietnam stories again? I think he's giving the big abridged
version right now. But we've got to stop him before
he gets into any specific stories. These stories aren't appropriate
for children. I mean, he's already, is he already up
to the part about the huey and Lincolnville, Ohio? Walked
(51:36):
out on the huey and I thought it was an emergency.
Did you finish it? It's coming. But here here's some
Totino's pizza rolls. Thank you, thank you, thank you. So
then after the war, I went back in Washington, Northwest,
and I was completely rejected by the local sheriffs department.
Everyone else just snap. So I was in the woods
(51:59):
story and then I was just I was hunting everybody
you could imagine. I was hunting. And then I was
blowing up buildings inside this small town and they were
through the jungle. And then that what I remember when
Cindy the pizza rules didn't work. He didn't stop the
(52:20):
Oh my god, I'm sorry, honey. Well let's see what
else do we have. I don't think we're gonna have
to use some sort of physical restraint on him. Tony,
it's time that we have that talk. What about sending
your dad to a home. For God's sake, he used
to hunt police. Can we please? You know he's happy
(52:41):
upstairs in the dark attic, He's not happy upstairs. Every
time he comes down it's like the hose has been
bent on his weird life. Every time he comes downstairs,
he tells the worst stories. Do you know one of those?
And then and then afterwards I was alone and my friend,
Colonel Tradeum came to me and he said, we're gonna
need you back we're gonna to send you back into
(53:02):
Vietnam to save the po ws know the people, and
I said you, I'm not gonna do that. Ship I'm out.
And then and then if we send him to a
home one of those damn orderlies, it's going to trick
him into giving his money to them. We get the money. So, Tony,
is this about the money? No, it's side. I love
him so much, You're just like your son. Look, I've
(53:24):
I've been CEO of Totino's for forty years and you're
telling me that I spent of my ad budget on this? What?
What is this? First of all? Twenty minutes long? This
is not interesting? Well, it's depressing. It's depressing the music
licensing a and it's gonna kill us. Well that's our budget. Sorry.
(53:48):
You can definitely see how that's kind of affecting the
acting and the writing. But I do I do want
to say, just in general, people are all about it.
They can't get enough. I mean, just just look at
the comments I'm getting here. All read you, A read
you a fewer right here? Are we doing some of
the comments here? Uh? So this is this is running already? Y? Yes? No, well,
(54:11):
I mean yes, I'm running to buy you in the
sense that I want you to know what's happening. But so,
I mean, so you know, people are saying that they're going, oh,
well this, this reminds me a lot of Rambo or
or this. This sounds like a poor a poor representation
of what those films could have been. Other people are saying, no, sir,
gets better. Some people are also saying, like, hey, I
(54:31):
remember these propaganda films. Other people are saying, let's see,
we don't get the word propaganda associated. I think you
said Totino's Pizza rolls twice in the whole thing. Well,
you've only watched eleven minutes. We say it more as
it goes on. But I yes, sir, yes, sir. And
(54:58):
then here the other round of just Totino's Pizza to
take him out of. I don't want those fucking Tostino roles.
They taste like ship. Okay, okay, if you're going to
get the brand name out there, you gotta say it right,
right right. I mean, how many takes did you do
(55:19):
with this guy? Just one take? We just went all
the way through. So I think that what we have
here is an opportunity for not only younger generations to
know about what those movies were like, right, because we
don't have the money to the lexis those films, so
we have to have kind of summary about sometimes, like
you know what they're about and all that. And I
(55:43):
think I understand now what you mean when you say
you hate your grandfather, right, yeah, I want him. I
also want him to die so you can get all
of his money and then guess what, you get some
Why can I play with this bone arrow? All my
friends can play with I don't give a ship. We
all get some of your money. Yeah yeah, and we're
(56:05):
gonna live together in a giant mansion. What Yeah, All
we're gonna escape from all of our horrible parents and
live in one big giant Okay, so this commercial is
already playing, but I just want to get kind of
a feel for everyone who's been watching it. What what
feelings are coming up here? And you have three boxes
you can check off? Like it? I don't know, and
(56:26):
I don't like it, So I said, I don't know. Okay,
we got want I don't know. I don't know how
I feel. I don't like it. I don't like it, Okay,
I don't like it. Okay, not a lot. Okay, one
of the time, gentlemen, please all, I will ask you
to leave. I'm real sorry, go go go ahead. Well,
(56:49):
this is a lot longer than commercials abuse. So this
is like forty five minutes long, and there's there's profanity. Yes,
there's also like a whole kind of other a lot
of different plots going on. I'm not sure what. I'm
not sure what children trying to get money from their
grandfather has to do with Totino's pizza rolls. These are
(57:11):
these on the table? Are cold by the way to
get them? Until the film was done, so I enjoyed
did a lot of the music that I was wondering
why there was nothing by John Foberty. I think that
war is not the same without something. My tired Run
through the Jungle by CC are clearly played, you did, Okay.
(57:31):
I just feel like if I'm in the middle of
a show and all of a sudden, this, this film
of a commercial comes on after I'm waiting for a
cliffhanger to be resulted in my show, I'm just I'm
not going to enjoy the commercial. What about Fortunate Son?
Did you hear Fortunate Son? That's a favorite? A then
(57:51):
maybe they just couldn't get the license license. It wasn't there.
It wasn't there. It was it a cover. Now, no,
we are The budget went to the licensing of those songs,
so we that's where all that money was. Mhm. Was
there a was there a paranormal element to this? Uh?
There actually there was a paranoid thank you. Yeah. So
(58:14):
it wasn't aliens. It wasn't aliens. It was the fact
that the commercial was bigger than most normal commercials. Right,
I would say longer in length. I wouldn't say bigger,
but not always, not always. So let's do something. Let's
do something here where why don't we all I'm gonna
(58:34):
replay it? Okay, I have I have an appointment in
fifteen minutes. Okay, well if you need wait, you're telling
me I spent two million more dollars on testing for
a commercial that's already running. Yes, right, and look, if
you look, let me just read you some of the
some of the feedback that we got from these people here.
The majority had said, uh, was there any fleetwood mac okay? Uh.
(58:59):
Some other people had said, uh, I didn't like the tostinos,
they were too cold, and if they were hot enough
something scratched the top of my mouth. Now they were
clear that too. First, Yes, sir, yes, if we're just
the company for years now, Yes, sir, I have and
I love it. And uh, I'm just reading what they said.
They said so Tostino, some of them said Tostino's. So
(59:21):
why that's if if they watched our forty five minute
add and and came out not knowing the name of
the product, that's not go sir. I can't agree more.
That's why I've taken the liberty to sign your name
off of getting a whole series of these commercials greenlit.
So we're looking at maybe four or five, I mean,
as many as there are Rocky and Rambo movie. We're
going to be doing those kind of commercials and introducing
(59:43):
the backstory as well as lower mythology to this Tostino's family.
So if you be a trigger warning for veterans, I
think and that's our show. Oh let's of all of
our alchemists, please, Dr James Heeny, thank you so much
(01:00:03):
for being here today. Oh, thank you for having me
here today. And I understand a new cast hang went
down on the Friday, But my guess is this is
gonna air after that, but yeah, I was gonna fake
that part. We did a cast hang and it went
great and you're gonna upload it soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
thank you for that, Greigkowski. Oh man, that cast hang
(01:00:26):
was so much fun. Remember when we did that? That
was the best. That was a blast. I also watched
a little documentary called Misery Loves Comedy. Oh, that I
really enjoyed, directed by somebody in this very room. Thank
you for that and every big name you could think
of in comedy. It was really well done, annoyingly famous
(01:00:47):
funny people. Yes, um, how how did that come onto
your radar? Forgive me for selfishly asking. I watched it
on the Topic channel, which is just one of those
channels I think you could do a free trial on.
And I noticed that it was there, and I remember
that you had done it, but I've never seen it.
I'm glad that I did well. God bless us all,
everyone said the atheist Caroline Carter, thank you so much
(01:01:12):
for being here. You're welcome. I had a great time
at the hang. I had a great time watching the
movie to documentary, and folks should look up your wares
where I guess just Carter poop on Instagram. I don't know,
don't have anything happening. Beautiful and Mark Agliani, thanks so
(01:01:34):
much for rejoining. This is very fun and uh, you'll
be allegedly going back to work soon. On the television
program We Are We Are Blood and Treasure Season two
is coming this fall to CBS SO and then the
Fall still the same on the calendar as it was
(01:01:54):
last year. I know Fall is actually gonna be in
February now, yeah, Zephyr, Yeah, schedule is coming later because
of the whole you know, no Fall itself is coming later. Well,
I didn't believe that was changing. Actually we could do
(01:02:16):
a whole episode. And how the fact that the seasons
are no longer lining up the way they used to. Yes,
please let's do that. Write it in Joey grest I
really want to just give my time to James. I
really want to hear more about what he wants to do.
You can check me out a Jebby Grieber online. I
(01:02:37):
just on Instagram, I guess anywhere else? Uh, what else
was I gonna say? One of these? Let's give our
wholehearted thanks to our engineering producer to the stars, Mr
Doug Baan and the fine folks that I heard media.
(01:02:58):
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Thank you so very much.
Continue to write to us. I love replying to all
of your emails. Write your name here at alcove me
this dot com and please stay healthy and thank you
for your listenership. Until next time,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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