June 3, 2020 • 59 mins
How the Louisiana Senator got his groove back.
Therapist begins to suspect their clients are all undercover therapists.
Horror movie icons catch up at bar after work Poopo’s.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Oh, I welcome back to another episode of Alchemists COVID
nineteen twenty edition. I'm your host, Kevin Polla est that Kevin, Well, sure,
I'm counting on capitalism to get us to a vaccine
for the lousy COVID nineteen sooner than later? Absolutely, I
bet you, But I digress. Let's meet Kamis. Shall we
know particular? Sycolo to Mr James Heaney. They also call
(00:24):
him Red Jimmy Deane the heats. If you had the
superpower to fly, where would you go first? I would
go as high as I could, just straight up? Well,
I mean yeah, yeah, I mean that was the That's
the first place I'd go in case I lost my powers.
I feel like my question was asking for a destination.
(00:46):
Are you go straight up in case you lost your powers?
Then you could come straight down? I mean I don't know. Well,
I hope I made the powers last until I got
back down, but I can get a good view of everything.
I was looking for a destination, and I believe your
answer was up. Okay. Hello to Carla Koski, Carla Jean,
what is your latest FAIV snack? Oh um, cattle chips
(01:09):
as all of them ruffle. I like a nice ruffle
on my cattle. Yeah, the salt and pepper one? Who
knew the salt and pepper one? Love them all? Eating
a lot of chips these days. Kevin, please do good
a gum drop? It's Chris Alvarado, Mr Divine? Would you
rather have James Heeney's mustache but it's an inch off center?
(01:31):
Or his hair but it's on your shoulders? Honestly? If
there's a third choice, I'd like to have both of those.
Happened to me. Both is available, are available as it
turns out, Hey, whoa what the there's Craig Kakowski Coco.
(01:51):
If you could market and sell an attribute of Joey Greers,
what would you call it? Unpredicted? It's it and last,
but watch your ask if you think at least it's
Joey Greer? Long Agan, What scent of James would you
(02:11):
sell as a men's cologne? A panic three bottles? Please,
let's do a damn show. Almost all of our scene
suggestions to their gather from our listener emails, and the
others are from our patroon V I P. S. If
you'd like to submit your listener email, please do I
(02:33):
read them all I reply to them all, and I
love hearing from you. Just right to your name here
at alcomy this dot com. That's your name here dot com.
See Number one comes to patron VPP James Garcia, who
wrote simply how the Louisiana Senator got his groove back? Uh, Senator, Senator, senator,
(03:00):
if I could have your senator, he's sleeping right now,
he's just taking a little Now, Okay, can you give
me an e t A on when I should come back. Well,
i'd say maybe in about two to three days, maybe
ten minutes. I'm sorry. What was your name? Oh? My
my name is Marga Reli, Marja. Really, yes, you haven't
(03:22):
been with the senator long? Can I just tell you
that when he says give me two or three days rest,
it's like two or three minutes. It's all really needs. Well,
I'm just listening to what he said. He's been so
depressed lately, the governor louis dear as the governors upset
the Senator. Yes, everyone, I didn't know you guys were
(03:45):
so close to the door. Marshal the Senator is ready
for you. Come on in. I'll stand outside. Okay, it
will excuse now, how are you doing today? Uh? I
didn't get your name. My name's Bethany. Bethany. Um, how
(04:05):
how is the senator? Can I get a minute of sleep?
And he's very tired right now. I'm sorry, you're gonna
have to come back in two to three days. Two
to three days. Yeah, that's not how the Senate works.
We need him to vote on a couple of things.
So if I could just get his ear for ten minutes,
I don't think that we can do that. I'm sorry.
(04:28):
The Senate is sleeping right now. And if you could
give it to me on paper and I'll ask him
whatever you need to get voted on. What is your
title here? Bethany? Me? Oh, I'm just I do I
help around that? Oh? I feel like you're making it
up right now? Me? Oh no, I've been part of me,
part of me. I didn't see you to Bethy. Hello, sir,
(04:50):
what is your name? Oh? My name? My name is
pork Chop. Um. Are you the show in a way, Bethany?
The Senator will see you now if you're ready. Oh,
I was just in there seeing the senator see me again? Okay,
(05:12):
booty pork Chop, Perhaps you could get me in for
the senator for just ten minutes. Wouldn't that be something
sweet to do? If I do you a favor, you
gotta do me a favorite name it. I want to
kiss on the neck? Kiss on the neck, Yeah, any
(05:33):
particular spot on the neck, anywhere on my neck, and
then I can't promise you, but I'll do my best
to get you ten minutes. So kiss on the neck
gets me a non promise your best effort, yes, sir,
take her to leave it. I'm gonna leave it. WHOA
where am I? Where am I sleeps? Being destroyed? Senator?
(05:55):
Go back to bed? Yes? See a Oh I got
walking up from a deep sleep. Sleep is there is
there bethany? Back to sleep? Oh, I don't think I
got my my my ram sleep? Oh no, no, you
(06:19):
need that rim sleep. I'm gonna be for the rest
of the day. You come back to sleep, Senator, Your
ram is waiting. Okay, now there is there was a
girl in my dreams who is communicating with me. A woman,
(06:39):
A woman and your dream I'm sorry, I am old
school and I will call women goils. All right, Well
I'm still just a woman though. Okay, but you you
imagine they meaning I dreamed you up. So I don't
know why the thing that of my own imagination is
correcting me. I'm sixty eight years old. Oh no, you're
(07:03):
far too old for me. Now call me crazy Sarah,
But I think you. I think you liked that I did.
I did. Uh, surprisingly like it more than I ever
would have thought I would. But I don't feel I'm
any closer than seeing the senator. Oh but you are.
(07:24):
I am. I'm gonna go in there and get Marjorie.
She'll know what to do. Give me one second. Thank you.
Pork chop out, Marjorie. No, I'm not gonna gonna sleep, Senator.
Somebody else has he told the room? Is that pork chop?
(07:45):
Can I rub your feet for you? Senator? Put you
back to sleep? You know how I like it? Okay, Marjorie,
get out there. What do you mean why I kicked
out of here? You're not gonna kick out. You're being summoned.
It's a guy out there. Just send those there's a
man outside giving great net kisses. Now you love a
good Netkasce. Don't you got neck kisses? Yeah? You scoop, scoop.
(08:08):
Get the balls, Get the balls on my feet. Get
the balls on my feet. Hello, I what did you see?
Your man? He's given neck kisses, do you yeah? Yeah,
nick kisses. I never I never heard of such a thing.
(08:31):
Not a man given this house. He's a man given neckkisses. Well,
it's all good for me. I got a little I
got some creuton and oh no, no, you need to
go to sleep. You need to lunch. Oh that it's
more than enough. Why do I need to go to sleep?
(08:52):
If I got a good tone in my throat, we
all sleep. Cires all wound. I don't know. I think
I'm a child to death in my sleep. I cut
myself on the side of my stomach now and I
want to bed in the he'll find I look at
that that is that smells. There's a smell all healed up.
Oh god, it's offensitive, Senator. While I'm down here, I'm
(09:15):
gonna give you a foot reading, please park job tell
me my future. I felt like I have my groove
and now I lost it. I no longer I have
my groove. Mm hmmmmmmm. Something's happening here at the heel.
The he'll ain't right? Okay, so what does that mean
(09:37):
to you? The he'll ain't right? I don't I don't
read feet for a living. You tell me, well, to me,
it means that somebody in your entourage is affecting the
way you walk, so to speak, really well, I mean,
I have a NonStop entourage full of hottes. I got
(09:57):
mas relief, I got best in it. I got you
poor check in about me, I year old lady who
lives in my dreams. Perhaps perhaps, Senator, gentleman outside who's
wanting to speak to you, perhaps he holds the key
to getting your groove back. Really, I'm just saying, I'm
(10:17):
just seeing what I see on the feet, seeing when
I see on the feet. Other Senator, Other Senator. We
got a an anonymous tip. I'm sorry to follow you
to this senator's house, Senator, but we got an anonymous
tip on our hotline that you've been giving neck kisses.
You got an anonymous tip. An anonymous tip. I mean
(10:38):
she said her name was pork Chop. We are we
now trusting the word of an anonymous individual by the
name of pork Chop. I'm saying, you're totally You're totally correct.
That's the That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. I apologize, Senator,
because I didn't by bypass anonymous people named pork Chop
on my way to becoming a senator. You are you
(11:01):
are correct? I am started to interrupt, Senator, but I
heard that you were given free neck kisses out. I
just had to rush behind and get one. I'll just
kiss it right here, Bethany. I'm gonna presume that you've
spoken with a character by the name of perk Jump,
and I'm going to ask that you disregard any all
missives from perk Jam. Senator. Do you want me to
(11:25):
pretend like I'm not here for this conversation? Okay, Okay,
Now you're referring to my colleague, Senator Steinstein from New York?
Is that correct? That's correct. Yeah, he's a he's a
real New Yorker if you catch my meaning. But it
was even though he was across the aisle from me
(11:48):
of a different party. I do respect him. Uh so
if you could see on him. Man, we all on
the Armed Services Committee, and it's what different than the
Enforce Committee? Okay, let me just kiss your feet goodbye, okay,
(12:09):
and I'll be right back. All right? Oh, where is
my groove? Chop? Fok chop? Is that you book chop, Yeah,
poke Chop, is that you? Yes, Mama, it's me. Need
to go through this every day, Mama, I'm the only
one stopping about to visit you. Of course, don't you
(12:31):
never reading my feet anymore? Poke shot, I read a Mama.
You're gonna die today. Oh, feed me to the gators.
Ain't gonna happen. You don't get to pick that wish.
But I I am going to give you this sack
of potatoes here. I'm on my way to go see
a big senator from New York. You, poke chop, You're
(12:52):
gonna change the world. Punk chot, pokhop. You fell asleep.
You wanted I did that. That was all me. I
made you fall asleep. You wanted into my dream inception style.
Do I look sixty eight to you, poke chop, tell
me the truth? No, no, you look great. Well I'm
(13:13):
so confused, everybody, you have to dream bigger Dolly enough.
Follow me. We have to invade this bank. Okay, follow me. Everyone,
imagine some guns quickly, um, quickly. I got an umbrella,
all right, that's all I imagine. Okay, we have ten
minutes before the settor wakes up. Hurry up quickly, alright,
(13:37):
I can't help it. I just keep imagining like muscles,
and I don't think muscles are gonna help in this.
My guns just keepett bigger, big guns have muscles. I
want to stay you imagine guns. I'm imagining up on
my arms. Excuse me, you over there? I asked for
a beggar and a schmar about forty minutes ago. Is
there anyway we can get that happening? You want to
(13:59):
be yet? No, I don't want to be. I don't
want to make chickory fucking coffee. It with like a bagel,
lightly toasted with Papa Nickel, preferably but not necessary. We
have beign. Okay, yes, I don't want to alarm I
(14:23):
don't want to alarm you, but you are currently he's
too late. We're sleeping. Oh thank God, follow God, follow me.
This makes so much more sense as a dream. Okay,
come on, where are we going, park Chop? You're going
to meet someone very important. Finally, this is going to
(14:43):
be the biggest moment of your careers. Anything, well, I
can't imagine how you would know what that would be.
But okay, okay, this is the professor. Professor I brought
him to you. Fess that's what he calls himself. Fessor
tell him my planners. Well, right now we're working defense
(15:06):
and I've used it science to do. Okay, so we've
invaded your dream. There's some people invading the other senator's dreams. Uh,
we're having a dream warrior right here. That's great. That's
great stuff, great stuff. Nice to me and Professor enjoy
the rest of your What are you doing shop at
Disney World? Couldn't you dream up something better than a
BEGNY shop? I didn't dream any of this. We're in
(15:28):
your dream right now. This is disgusting. No, it's great,
super great, but you should see it outside. There's disgusting
things that you're dreaming. It's your subconscious. It's gross. Okay, Well,
I can't control my subconscious now, can I? I guess not.
I can't, But you can't now these crawlfish bigners or
out of this world? That senator, Senator, it's Senator stan Stein.
(15:54):
That's me. Yes, it's so good to see your son
from New York. Thank you, thank you for seeing me.
I can't believe it yet. I tipped my hat at
the phalanx of human Uh do gooders as stood between
myself and you. Well, I have a very helpful staff.
(16:15):
Let's call it that, sir. We need you for a
very important vote. Is there any way I can get
you out of your slumber for for just an hour? Now?
Am I dreaming now? Or is this reality? So? I
promise you you're not. In fact, I'm gonna give you
a quick shot to the jaw just to make that point. Oh,
you got that. But I do dream very vividly, and
(16:36):
I feel pain in my dreams. So have you ever
killed anyone in a dream of yours? Several times? Okay,
damn it, I guess it's you that can't die. So doctors,
if you gather around based on the brain scans the
two senators that fell into the comma last week after
(16:57):
that horrific car, he seemed to be communicating doctor, how
are you doing? Doctor? Doctor? I suspected something like this
might happen often times. Yeah, please, you always had these
wild ideas, and I never believe you. Frankly, Oftentimes, when
trauma happens to two people at once, they are connected,
even if they're not physically connected. Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, which
(17:21):
doctor are you talking to? You've been doing this for
the past fifteen minutes, and I would just like to
know who you're addressing. I'm just saying, heart of the doctors. Okay,
well we've been said hello to thank you doctor doctor
m hmmm. Uh Now Dr pam if I may call
you by your first name, Dr pam Um, do you
(17:43):
have the wild ideas? I wonder where should we do
next with them? Should we go inside of them? Should
we should we experiment on the brange? Would absolutely we
can go inside of them. We just jump right into
them with this little Well, I'll tell you, sir, I
have never collaborated on such a remarkable bipartisan bill. Uh.
(18:07):
It really was a pleasure of writing this with you.
And I believe like you've thrown some park my way,
I've thrown some park your way, uh pork metaphorically of course, yes,
of course, thank you appreciate that. I'm not sure my
Rabbi would understand why I was wearing thrown park, but yes,
I'm following you. Why can't the country get together like this?
(18:30):
I mean, two senators from different parties, from different states
collaborating on this bill. Why why? Why? Sir? You you
want me to answer that I was Senators listen to us.
(18:51):
We are doctors. She's Dr Pam, I'm Doctor Paul Pard.
Y'all have guns. Dr John, you are both You've been
in a car accident. Both I have had trauma to
your brains. You're both unconscious and communicating. That is correct
because we all know in the real world there is
no way that one senator from one aisle and another
(19:13):
senator from another aisle would come together and agree on anything.
Dream sense. So you have two choices, because it's weird
getting down here. Okay, here ourselves down real small and
ride a five G signal right into your brains. It
(19:35):
was inside us. Okay, so this is more like a
fantastic varge thing and not an inception that it's It's
more like that Martin short movie Fantastic were the kids
(19:57):
minute times? All right, Well, we don't have you keep talking.
You could either hold your breath to come back to
life where you were in current time, or doctor, you
can leave in the stream world or hands reach across
(20:20):
aisles for a better today. Or you can choose door
number C. Doctor beating down here. Yeah, I'll have one
of those bands. Yes, Hi, I'm trying to reach Senator Steinstein.
(20:40):
Apparently he's gone to sleep for a couple of days.
Now with the Louisiana Senator. Here's the thing, um, Senator
Steinstein was making some questionable decisions right up until um
he uh had an accident. Um, but I'm happy to,
you know, give him any message that is. I yeah,
(21:01):
the messages. That's scene number one, kind of an snl
end of the cold opening steal from the Best and
or the Worst seem too. Is from comrade who wrote,
(21:26):
Dear Kevin, an Alchemy this gang. I wanted to write
in to say how glad I am that you're still
putting out the show. Believe it or not. One of
the first things I thought of when this whole ship
storm first started was, oh, how will the Alchemy This
players gather to record the show? No, you did not, conrade,
but I'll keep reading. Even writing those words sounds a
little sarcastic, like a sarcastic burn Alchemy this, But I
(21:49):
swear it's true. Huh. I guess I should have kept reading.
The fact that you were able to keep putting out
episodes on a regular schedule has been a huge part
of keeping my routine feeling as normal as it can
be and keeping me semi aware as to what fucking
day of the week it is as a bonus you,
Kevin can't go anywhere, so no guess hos ha ha ps.
(22:12):
I do really like Cole, especially in the live shows. Anyway,
As a tribute to you as central workers of improv,
I will list my favorite trait or quirk of each
of you. Kevin and I love that anytime fecal, mattel
or semen is involved in a scene, you suggest taking
(22:34):
a sample for future analysis of some kind. Joey, I
love that any time a character you aren't playing needs
the name and needs it fast, that name is Duncan
Vanessa and I guess we'll pass this along. I love
that you're so abusive towards James and not really and
not only do you give him ship constantly, even your
(22:54):
characters invariably give James's character a huge batch of ship
as well. Wow Us. I love that you were not
afraid of some silence and long pauses and service of
the ultimate hilarity. Craig. I love the way you say
look uh right before you list in dead pen fashion
every insane aspect oh and dead pan fashion, sorry, every
(23:18):
insane aspect of whether of whatever is it? God? Almighty
of whether there is absurdly going on in a scene.
Should I read that one again? I think I got it.
I think okay, good and James, I love that. Even
though you are getting sick of the James Heeney scenes,
you know, the ones James Heney fixes a toaster, James
Heney reincarnates as a ferret, James Heney rummages through his pantry, etcetera.
(23:43):
I still love it. And now to my scene suggestion.
James Heney sets up a zoom meeting just kidding. Actual suggestion.
A therapist begins to suspect that all of his or
her clients are secretly undercover therapists. I love you all, Conrade. Well,
(24:05):
I mean it started for me early on, but it
wasn't anything that I thought that that wasn't that big
of a deal, of course, but you know, working for
an individual with that much power does come with a
lot of thrills. So I did find myself going back
and forth on whether these things were anything. But now
I know something most serious. This is the end of
(24:26):
your session. So I very much hate to say it,
but I think, uh, I think that you must take
time to leave now. Okay, I'm so sorry that I
interrupted right in the middle of your thing. But it
easy end of the session. I've got very many people coming,
all right, but I will say your bedside manner is
(24:48):
a little curt so I will leave. But I must
have been last last few minutes. I was watching Clark
so when it when it ticked, I wanted to So
you are just going to an it flat out and
there's a gentleman coming in here to escort me out. Well, fantastic.
Well that's just how it um. Hi doctor, doctor therapist,
(25:11):
thank you. Yes, sit down, I've been better. I yeah, okay,
I'll sit down. Can I lay down? I'm gonna lay down.
I'm going to be on the floor for this entire
laid down. I cannot see you if you're laying on
the floor. That's okay. I just need to talk to someone.
I've been having a lot of memories about that. I'm
(25:32):
not quite sure if they're my memories or if like
they're me in a past life, or like they must
be your memories because the past life do not exist.
You know, they could, they could exist. I think they might, um,
but maybe you know, I was just hoping you could
help me with these problems. That I've been having, of course,
(25:52):
but of course I must say that I'm going to
try to make you not to believe that these are
past lives and understand that they are. They're very much
your memories. Agent therapist, Agent therapist, this is command center.
Please see if you can get the doctor to talk
about his own mother, his own You know, I'm getting
this vibe, like this maternal vibe that you're giving off. Yeah, yeah,
(26:16):
it's like a mother lady. Tell me about your mother, doctor,
Why don't you tell me about I cannot tell you
about my mother. She was gone. That's faced by my
sensing some issues, some mommy issues here, my dearest kind
of things. Mommy struggle very much for emotion. She beat
you with wire hangers or I don't I don't think
(26:39):
you'll hold me. I said, my mother was not there. No,
I think she was there, and you're just misremembering because
I'm pretty sure you know your mother, but maybe very
very young age. And here you go, that's my insurance information.
So I just take a seat. That right, and then okay,
(26:59):
that's right, that's right. Is it's all current does as
far as I know. Okay, And um, actually you didn't
fill out one question here it says optional, but it's
better if you feel it out. Um, specifically, what what
reason is bringing you to our office today? One reason
is bringing me to this office today, I'd say the
biggest reason is, uh work. I work with the government. Okay, okay,
(27:30):
work for the government. You don't have to write that down.
Oh I I do, I do. I'm not just a receptionist.
I'm also I'm in school to be a therapist. So
I'm oh, yeah, what are you? Uh, what's going on
with you? Oh? I don't know. M just so okay,
(27:51):
you work for the government, and that's causing a little stress.
This is just for the doctors. So when he gets
in there, he knows, he knows what's doing with it.
And you are you feeling a little stressed out of
being here? Uh? I mean yeah, it's a job, you
know what I mean. So it's like it's it's got
pressure and it's just a job. Let me get this spelling.
Your last name is Munch, Is that right? Sure? Okay?
(28:15):
So okay, okay, Ronnie? Who my first and last name? Yeah? Okay?
And did you is this a contact number where you
can where somebody can we can reach them? In case
an emergency, not that anything's gonna happen. So if you
can make sure that's my that's my partner. Do you
have a partner? Invent? And when I was four years old,
(28:37):
she actually left. Yes, and that is paid. But you know,
sometimes you just need to recognize the emotion and not
really experience it. You can witness it, but you don't
have to go through it like it might be the
past life, like it could be a past life. Exactly.
Are you comfortable there on the floor doctor, thank you? Yes,
(29:00):
I'm sorry I should get that. I guess I just
feel like I'm experiencing most of my trauma and I
know that there's an option to witness it, you know,
but I'm so, I'm so, I'm so inside of it.
It's like how do I how do I get out
of exactly? I feel the same way. I'm sorry, that's
p p O or h m oh, it's p E
T E R. You're asking my name. Oh no, I
(29:24):
know it's Peter munch Um. I just didn't know if
this is it, Like this is another example of like
here I am. I have to get it right. I
have to because I feel the same way. I feel
like it's all like so it's crazy working with these
people in government and just like they're like, you gotta
do it this way, or like you know, you know,
you're just gonna like but you are getting it right,
(29:46):
You're getting you right right. I don't know. I don't
know who I am. All right, I've given up so
much of me towards the suit and I mean that
figured me literally, you know, I'm like, it's just a
shell of a man. You know what's gent therapist, agent, therapist.
I need you to get away from the receptionist for
fox sake and get in and talk to the doctor.
Is that possible. I really think I'm having a command center.
(30:08):
I need you to get you want to talk to
the therapist. I really think I'm having to break through. Here.
You are, you are right in front of me. Okay, okay, okay, okay,
Look I gotta go. Okay, I go wait wait wait
wait wait wait ding dong ding dong. What you're doing?
You cannot come in. I'm in the middle of a session. Sorry,
(30:30):
good man, let's get up off the floor. We were
really making progress and I want to see you again
next week at the same time. This this, yes, of course, Uh,
you just set it up with reception is still side? Okay,
I'll make an appointment for you to see me at
your office next week. Thank you. But you just see
me at my office next week. Tata, Tata, welcome. I'm
(30:54):
sorry I was floor because I was it was if
I joined you on the floor. Can I join you
in the for but of course yes, please sit down.
Did you want to schedule an appointment for next week? Uh?
And did you have a good session this time? I
had an excellent session? Thank you so much. That will
be two Okay. Then I do I need to give
(31:15):
you credit? Or is it check? Okay? Uh? Check is great?
Thank you? To make sure you put a therapy session
in the memo part just so I can keep track
of of my income course of course, of course, Um
here's the check. Also here's a thank you. Oh you're welcome. Yeah.
(31:36):
You know, you seem like you're in a good place.
You seem like you've recently had a breakthrough and like you,
I mean I'm talking moments ago, moments ago ahead to breakthrough. Yeah,
because I'm getting a balance vibe, like I almost smell
balance coming off of you. That's weird, that's weird. I
believe it. So, Kurt, you're conducting an internal affairs investigation
(31:59):
of a therapist. Okay. Look by by sending other therapists in,
and you've all you've given all of them the code
name and agent therapists. I'm so glad you're on board now, Bill,
I'm not necessarily on board. You're you've spent two million
(32:19):
dollars on this investigation for sixteen months. Yes, over sixteen months, right? Uh?
And so all of these therapists are going in disguised
as patients to Okay, I mean give them different code names?
I mean, is it too much to ask it? Clearly? Is?
I'm not sure what your angle is on this, Bill?
(32:41):
What is your angle? What? What are you hoping to
find out? He's already gathered exceptional data on this therapist? Okay, okay,
So do we have enough to bring him in? Interrupt?
I think going? Uh? Hi, Director, yes, dingd on what
(33:03):
and my boss, Kurt? Uh? We I have a more
intel on the doctor therapist. If you want to just
take that he works for me. If you send it
through an email, you don't have to come by the office. Okay,
We'll just going by naval protocol. We have everything on paper.
So it's just we paper file everything now, so you
know what? But also, how was everyone doing? Is everyone alright?
(33:25):
Is everyone good? Yeah? Look look, first of all, we
are the U. S. Navy, so we are going by
US Navy protocol. So why we're investigating this this independent
therapist who seems to be competent. I mean he has
a an Austrian accent, which makes them authentic. Now, is
(33:47):
therapist his real last name? No, no, it's none of
their real last names. I'm talking about the doctor doctor therapists. Oh,
that's definitely his last name. That is his real last name.
That was red Fly number seven by the way, Okay, yeah,
we have it all. All the flags are listened out here. Director,
So okay, just take me through the bullet points. What
(34:08):
do you do we think that he's committed crimes? Well,
doctor therapist, that was a busy day today. It's very
busy today. That I love working here. By the way,
it's when you know that I love it too. You're
very good receptionist. One day you'll be very good therapist.
You should think about changing last name. Oh is that
(34:31):
it's not a good name. It's just so hard you
want to make someone feel like you're authority. Get good
last name dry dr therapists. Don't don't move. There's a
red dot on your forehead. It's if I have adult acne.
I'm sorry. Let me I just kept okay, maybe it's
(34:51):
maybe it's that I can't seem to feel it my head. Okay, here, well,
let me get in front of here, let me stand
there and now sets on. It's contagious. It is contagious. Man,
I want to get that green light. It's fucking on.
Oh my god. Do you ever kill somebody? You ever
kill somebody? Because uh, just doing the back of the
(35:12):
coconut count Yeah, shooting some in the back of the head. Yeah,
that's definitely. Then I've killed a bunch of paper. Okay.
Now I'm not as clear at the front of the face.
I'll be honest with you. Yeah, it's hard when you
when you get very little experience looking into their eyes.
They keep on jumping in and out of the site.
It's uh, look now it's on me, Now it's on you.
(35:35):
It's awesome. I wish we could do this on purpose.
I can't control it. Okay, I definitely didn't authorize an assassination,
didn't you though I definitely did not. Yeah, you sound definitive,
but I'll be honest with you. So there's a paper trail.
Tell him, ding dunk, there's a paper trail that suggests otherwise. Okay, yes,
(35:56):
there is. There is a You did say bullet point
and we took that doesn't mean no, no bullet the
bullet points on the memo. That's ding Dong, ding Dong.
Can we call off the assassins immediately? Please? Yes? Please? Yes?
Who wants to take that? Do you want me to
do that? Or ding dong? If you could ask them
to stand down, it's all I'm asking you to do.
(36:18):
You got on that as soon as I can watch watch.
Uh look now it's in my mouth. I can't believe
it's you can still see it in the darkness of you,
I swear to Christ. He turns around. I'm putting two
in the back of his coconut. Come up, Come up.
We gotta wait for the green light. You want to
shoot into his mouth, I'm not gonna shoot into his mouth.
I mean wherever. If the shot is clear, I gotta
(36:38):
take it, you know what I mean. I'm down, yeah,
and I'm down for whatever. I am broken, man, I
am broken from the things I've done. It looks like
one of them just ran away. But there is he's back. Okay, okay, ship,
we gotta get that to turn around. Just turn around, dude,
turn around. Oh my god, around. I believe this, he say.
It's not I'm mass hallucination, but a very small hallucination.
(37:02):
But yes, yes, it definitely sounds like you've had a
tough time. Go ahead and lay down on the ground.
Well down on the ground. We cannot see the red
light the dances, but we uh. Oh my god, I'm
very glad that I laid down. There are holes in
(37:22):
the ball. Yes, you could have missed my more technically,
can you just relax, Just help me, really, just help me.
You could have got the window. You didn't shoot the window.
You hit the wall right when they were standing. I
must say, I very much feel like you are helping
me more. I feel uncomfortable taking your money. I feel
(37:45):
like this should be an even session. Understandable. You should duck.
There are there. It's okay. They're not going to hit me.
They won't hit me. The holes will not hit you.
I'm sorry, what, No, they won't hit me. That bullets
won't hit me. Now, if you're asking me, I think
it's gonna be Denver forty maybe Raiders. Oh my god,
(38:09):
holy ship, Oh my god. I gotta talk the director,
ding Dong Ding, Director ding Ding What is it? I
completely forgot to call off the assassination? What that seemed
to to everybody? Just for in Austria was invaded by Japan?
What happened to the accent there? James? All right? I
(38:32):
was trying to do Australian. Yes, yes you were. See
three comes from patron v I P. Jason Taylor, who
wrote It's Mr t from Australia, messaging once again. So
far you've used a few of my scene suggestions, and
a few weeks ago I emailed through another detailed suggestion
(38:56):
about James Heney faking his own death to attend his
funeral disguised to hear nice things said about himself. But
then I heard Kevin's request to make scene suggestions less
detailed and not about the performers personally. At first I
felt terrible, that's my intent, so and then I remembered
(39:16):
that I'm paying v I P Patreon, and you can
run my goddamn scene anyway. That's right, that's right, Hell yeah,
he continues, No, I kild James. You're the best, and
I'm aware of the irony of sending a detailed message
to say, I'll send less detailed suggestions from now on.
(39:37):
Please replace the previous suggestion with this one. A slew
of horror movie icons, and then he names a few
like Mike Myers and leather Face and so on. Catch
up with each other at a bar after work to
complain and winge about their problems. Shout out to Kevin
(39:57):
the real v I p who made alchemy the It
is a thing that's not necessary, nor should have I
read it. Stay safe, Jason Taylor. That's all right, thank you,
Jason Taylor. We take you to that bar now after
work for horror movie icon. I normally don't hang out
in crowds anymore, not after prom Oh, Carrie, I think
(40:23):
it's important that we get to go out and enjoy
each other's company. I guess so. It just really puts
me in a bad mood. Being around people also bad.
But if they they do, if they cross the line,
I'll kill them, kill them all. I'll kill them, Carrie,
calm down, were kill them all? Whoa shop? That glass
(40:45):
is flying over here? Hey, Carrie, please please, I come
to this restaurant quite a bit, so I'd really rather
not get kicked out. Okay, I'm I'm hungry. Let's order. Hey, guys,
welcome to Pupo's. Um So, just so you know, we
have a couple of different specials tonight. H What are
you laughing at? What are you laughing at? She's not
(41:07):
laughing at you. Don't worry because I spent a lot
of time putting this outfit together, and I thought it
about it a lot before I got here. Really, it
looks like something you just threw together. I will kill you.
I will kill you. Carry Let go over, please, let
go over. Sorry? Ah, yes, thank you all for coming.
(41:29):
We're gonna start the board meeting. We're gonna bypass reading
last week's minutes, feed up mine, and just jump right
into Jim. So, I guess I'm just not going to
be here. I've got an issue I think we all
want to talk about, and that is your decision, without
checking with the board, to change the name of our
chain of restaurants to Poopo's. I mean, I don't I
(41:52):
don't see how that's appetizing to anyone. I don't see
how that drives business into our pockets. Could you explain
yourself please, Jim, do you want to get on thattterr
uh sure? I first liked to Before I explain myself,
I like to take a moment of silence for the
(42:12):
young waitress who was working at Pupo's who lost her
life when the other girl killed her with her brain.
Just a quick take a moment of silence for the okay,
official police report, by the way, that she was killed
by the other girl's brain. I don't know, Linda, what
I was. Oh. I was just gonna say, I support
I support you. I mean, sorry, it's fine, It's totally fine.
(42:37):
I was just standing at hand across an aisle to say, hey,
I'm gonna support whatever you say right now, because I
know you're going to support Poopo's. Yeah, because you know,
we really put a lot of pressure on Jim. But
but now I can see why because he's a little grumpy.
He's a little grumpy. We were, we were R J. Mcgrubbs.
(42:57):
That's a perfectly good name for a restaurant in Tavern.
Here's what course it sounds good for you. It's your
goddamn name, all right here Here's what I didn't like
about r J mcgrabs, and I'm gonna be honest with
you right now. Is that is that we had that
sign that said no shoes, no shirts, sir, no problem.
(43:19):
Oh yeah, yeah no, it said no problems. We know
the demographic we're trying to attract. I wanted it to
say service. What's the gym? We're a restaurant on the
goddamn Panhandle with Florida. All Right, we can we can't
be thinking about this other ship. Okay, we got okay, alright, okay?
Where does food go into your mouth? Oh? Where does
(43:41):
he travel through your stomach? Go? And does it end? Pop?
I have to agree with Jim on this, like I'm
not a straw from it sounds it's okay. I'm sorry
being cranky again. I'm just what. I'm just trying to
support you. I don't know why I'm doing this to you,
and it's not you, it's me. It sounds exotic. I
(44:02):
would want to eat at an exotic restaurant. You haven't
said a goddamn word. What's going on, Carrie. I I
feel like there's a lot of suspicion that maybe you
did that with your mind I'm not. I'm not bothering you,
am I not yet? Okay, I just there's been a
(44:23):
lot of people that kind of say that you caused
that ladies had to kind of bleed out of her eyes.
That'd be crazy, I know, so I was thinking, But
it's just I don't know. I feel a little nervous
around you, like I've got to walk on egg shells.
Maybe I just make your heart beat faster. I feel
like that sometimes maybe I take your breath away. Maybe
I take it away, maybe I take it. Well, they're
(44:46):
going by the corners report here her head bled out
of her eyes. So all that's left of her her
eyes or head bled out. Does that make sense? Doctor? Doctor?
Does that make okay? Look, so you're saying, you're saying
(45:07):
the rest of her head bled out of her eyes,
her whole head, but her head bled out of her eyes,
which is why we're left with just this pair of eyes,
just the eyes. But yeah, did you collect the brain
matter and put her in a separate place, because if
it came to her eyes, it should be someone in
telling the whole bones or of the whole thing or
(45:27):
are there so just kind of like a pool of
everything it's her whole head came through her eyes. Does that?
I'm trying, doctors, I'm trying to make this well, don't
Paul and I recently went inside somebody's body, people's bodies,
and so this doesn't sound as crazy to us as
it might to others. Basically, I'm saying I support what
(45:47):
you're saying right now. I understand where you're coming from. Okay,
Dr Linda, Okay, thank you, Dr Pam, Thank you, Dr Pam.
Did you go a fantastic voyage kind of route or
did you go more like an inner space kind of
inner space? We canantastic voyage happened first, so we're going
to say, okay, well I saw inner space and that's
what I based my research on. Someone with Miss Frizzle.
(46:09):
There's like a cartoon the Magic Bus. Is that correct? Yeah? Look,
we we got we got a memo to update our references. Okay,
so if the most recent reference we're working off of
his inner space, like, that's that's not good. Well, there's
a Rick and Morty episode where they do, Okay, great, great,
(46:31):
I like that. I just want my mom to love
you as much as I love you, So I'd like
you to just you know, just kind of try to
brighten spirits up before we go in. Okay, do you guys?
Manifested on with you? There's not a lot of room
here in the restaurant. Please take a seat. His mom
will be here second. My mom's coming. But I don't know.
(46:54):
I could use some backup, you know what I'm saying. Yeah,
I feel so comfortable on you tell me about your home. Well,
my mom is a guess. You guys, welcome to pupos.
How you doing? Just gonna take your order a couple.
I'm not ready to order yet. My mom's going to
be meeting us, and I don't think he's sitting with us.
And I haven't caught your name. Sorry, I haven't caught
(47:19):
your name. Are we doing this now? I'm so sorry?
Why did you have to make him say it out loud? Jesus,
you can't tell by looking at me. I didn't know
that you didn't have a name that went along with it.
I figured if I just said, hey, wolf man, I
(47:40):
am so sorry. Hey what are you looking at? Nothing?
I'm just just he stop, please ship. I can do
a lot of stuff with my brain. Oh, drink, drink,
(48:00):
no rank, no popos. Drank pupos drink No, that crap.
It's the monster and I don't think we should have
him from over here. Please don't fight him over here.
Oh what a day, What a day? He will pick
up the check wolfman? Can you dig it? Who you? Okay? Alright,
(48:33):
so thanks for meeting here. Board meeting again. Listen, a
lot of terrible ships going down in our restaurant. And
you know what, maybe it's the name. Maybe it's the name.
We didn't have this this many fatalities when it was
called fatality j MC. If you're if you're flip flopping
on your name, then I'll support that. Agent board member,
(48:55):
Agent bard member. I need you to get the lead
to lie down on the ground. Just get them to
lie down on the ground. I've got a lot of questions.
It's throwing everything off. It looks like it looks like
your back is hurting. Is your back hurting? You should
really lay down on the ground right now, cheez it is.
I'm an impath. I'm an EmPATH, and I can feel
(49:17):
things from other people. I can learn about something from you. Yeah,
I'll lay down on the ground. Down to the ground. There,
you go, lay down on the ground. There, you go, alright,
so let's let's change restaurant. Then all, let's take it
to a vote. So we all right, so we're all
voting on one of two names. Is that correct? Yes,
(49:38):
you're feeling really sleepy right now, aren't you on the ground?
That's right. You're gonna take a nast little wrist, aren't you,
Jim Jim? There you go? Well, there you go. I
WI should just vote then, or what don't we? Senator?
(50:05):
This is your new friend? Where am i? Well? Hell,
hello there friend? Well, what what brings you to my dream?
I was just in a board meeting. I'm a shareholder
of Poopo is the restaurant you probably familiar with? It?
Is that p U P E A U X. That
(50:26):
would be the way you're smelling. That is the way
we spell it down South, and it is classic. You've
got Jambalaia there. That is to die for? Thank you?
What is happening? I lay down and now I'm here
with you two? And you're okay? From yeah? Okay? Well
your your inner dream, your inner dream, because I'm I'm
working here together with my jewel, my jew colleague. Look,
(50:52):
I could be I could be straightforward with you and
not talking to you, fhemisms um, but there is, because
there is a janitor at your restaurant who was horrifically
burned and now has knives on his fingers. If you
see him, he can't kill you in the dream. Okay,
so you gotta you gotta wake up immediately if you
(51:15):
see that fellow. All right, Okay, how do I wake
up now? No? No, I'm telling you there was a
scary guy that you But I'm a friend, I'm a
friend son. Okay, yeah, but I want to I want
to warn everybody else. So wake me up now to
Freddie's who These little babies, they're cute, the Paul Chops kids.
(51:42):
I'm I'm just baby sitting. See. You can do a dream,
all right. So Jim is composing right now. It looks
like there's blood coming out of his child. Are we're
gonna have this vote or what are we gonna? Oh?
He might have he might have been killed in the dream.
(52:05):
Asian board member is man, I need you to take out.
I think he's being taken out already. I don't know
that the one that crossed me into the left, I'm
not sure what his name is. He looks real stupid Okay,
no problem, I got this. Um, why don't you come over?
Stick closer? Yeah, I'm talking to you, weirdo. Do you
(52:27):
not know my name? Don't know my name? How long
we've been on the board together? You don't know? Okay,
ding Dong, Relax, I forgot your name. Okay, Um, why
don't you I'm using my brain right now? Are you
using your brain right now? Okay? Look, chet Chat, I
(52:50):
don't know how you still have a job after the
therapist murder debacle. But now you've sent ding Dong and
to infiltrate the board of of a of a chain restaurant. Well,
it's more than just a chain restaurant, Bill, Okay, please
enlighten me. Yeah, it's a corporation that owns many chains
(53:14):
of restaurants. Yeah, and so every now and then we
have to collect data, keep collecting data. And so far,
after fifteen months, I can tell you we're not there yet. Okay.
So you have ding Dong on the inside, yet you
also have another agent who you're trying to yes, uh huh,
I'm contemplating a third. Are you going to micromanage all
(53:35):
of my work? Bill? Look, the U. S. Navy is
spending billions of dollars on this program. Yeah, why once
you get back to working on cone reds and get
off my balls already. Okay, Bill, thank you for meeting
the Senate Committee on Action Force and Teams and uh,
we're sorry, but we're gonna have to get the fund bill.
(54:01):
Are you okay? Well? Nothing, okay, that was a good no. No, no, no, no. Look,
I'm having a rough ass day, okay, And I know
I should have prepared more for the Senate hearing, but
I mean, if you're you're cutting the funding. Great, great
problems solved. Bill. The doctor will see you now, doctor therapist.
(54:28):
Your next client is here, pretty god, please bring him in.
Wait a minute, I was just in a Senate subcommittee
hearing and now I'm walking into a therapists office couch. Okay, Um,
how does it work? I just start talking about my life? Yeah?
I think that if you have something you want to
(54:49):
talk about, sure, Otherwise I'll ask you questions about your life. Okay? Yeah? Um?
Are you Japanese? That's all? Oh the perfect world we
have found ourselves in. Let's go around and thank all
of our alchemists please, starting with Mrs Garlic Color. Yeah,
(55:12):
thank you for having me. Um check things out at
west Side Comedy dot com. That's where I work and
teach and perform and we're doing online stuff west Side
Comedy dot Com. Check it out. Please enjoy the show.
Last night. As a matter of fact, damn, damn damn funny. Yeah,
one of the house teams did their sketch show and
it was fantastic. That's all up on twitch Twitch fantastic.
(55:35):
Mr Chris Alvarado, Hey, thanks for having me. I love
playing with you guys. I want to do a quick
shout out to a gentleman named Caleb Sensio who sent
me a personal message through Instagram saying, by the way,
tell James, Joey and Vanessa. I said you're my favorite.
But it was kind of more of a sympathy thing.
He went on to say, just kidding, like I love everybody,
(55:57):
but please give me sh it on my behalf. So
it wasn't really I got excited for a second, uh,
and then he backed away from it. So thanks. James
Senior response, Well, Caleb, I think that it was really
nice what you did and it's wonderful. And if you
(56:18):
aren't in the Chris camp anymore, my camp's got room
for one more and your reviews you want to share
or information you know, I I don't have one set
up right now, but I'll tell you why. I guess
people are just so busy during this uh you know
that's what They just haven't gotten a chance to get
(56:39):
a review. So reviews are not happening as much as
I'd like. It seems like you're asking it seems like
you're asking for folks to write a review. And we
appreciate that refreshing my browser one more time, but it
hasn't worked in the past. Bit. So Also, the subreddit
is popping. More and more members are joining there, and
they were saying how much how much fun it is
to talk to other people who know our inside jokes
(57:01):
and everything. So, uh, you know, popping over to the
Separate Alchemy this pod. Oh awesome, Thank you for that,
Craig Atkowski. Yeah, I asked for more Cheddar Cheddar. I
asked for more cheddar on my chili. I did not
(57:23):
get it. You still haven't got it, no, okay, and
I finished my chili. Let me get back to the catch.
Take it off the bill, yes, of course, okay, thank you,
There'll be no bill bill and Joey German. Yeah, west
(57:46):
Side Comedy dot com? Yes, which dot tv backslash Westside
Comedy Bear supply every Wednesday seven o'clock. Check out Alchemy.
This is Instagram. Give it a follow. We do lives
everyone gets on their last time. I actually think the
videos on there on our Instagram, but we had James
take us through an acting tutorial. It us the tips
(58:06):
and tricks of the trade, so I recommend no knows
what's gonna happen. Thank you for that. All right, I'm
Kevin Pollock, your host. Let's thank our producer and engineer
of the stars, Mr Doug Ban, the fine folks that
I heart media from. And please continue to write to
(58:27):
us at the uh Alchemy this uh email. Which is
your name here alcomy, this dot com. That's your name
here at Alchemy this dark com. We really love hearing
from you and everyone. Please remain as healthy as you
possibly can. Follow all the guidelines that are available, all
the information is there. Um, we are concerned for each
(58:48):
and every one of you. Why because you like us.
We like people who like us, and we look after them.
And That's what I'm trying to do right now. Um No,
we do love you all, and thank you for giving
a gush god darn, and we'll see you next time.
Until then,
Oh, I welcome back to another episode of Alchemists COVID
nineteen twenty edition. I'm your host, Kevin Polla est that Kevin, Well, sure,
I'm counting on capitalism to get us to a vaccine
for the lousy COVID nineteen sooner than later? Absolutely, I
bet you, But I digress. Let's meet Kamis. Shall we
know particular? Sycolo to Mr James Heaney. They also call
(00:24):
him Red Jimmy Deane the heats. If you had the
superpower to fly, where would you go first? I would
go as high as I could, just straight up? Well,
I mean yeah, yeah, I mean that was the That's
the first place I'd go in case I lost my powers.
I feel like my question was asking for a destination.
(00:46):
Are you go straight up in case you lost your powers?
Then you could come straight down? I mean I don't know. Well,
I hope I made the powers last until I got
back down, but I can get a good view of everything.
I was looking for a destination, and I believe your
answer was up. Okay. Hello to Carla Koski, Carla Jean,
what is your latest FAIV snack? Oh um, cattle chips
(01:09):
as all of them ruffle. I like a nice ruffle
on my cattle. Yeah, the salt and pepper one? Who
knew the salt and pepper one? Love them all? Eating
a lot of chips these days. Kevin, please do good
a gum drop? It's Chris Alvarado, Mr Divine? Would you
rather have James Heeney's mustache but it's an inch off center?
(01:31):
Or his hair but it's on your shoulders? Honestly? If
there's a third choice, I'd like to have both of those.
Happened to me. Both is available, are available as it
turns out, Hey, whoa what the there's Craig Kakowski Coco.
(01:51):
If you could market and sell an attribute of Joey Greers,
what would you call it? Unpredicted? It's it and last,
but watch your ask if you think at least it's
Joey Greer? Long Agan, What scent of James would you
(02:11):
sell as a men's cologne? A panic three bottles? Please,
let's do a damn show. Almost all of our scene
suggestions to their gather from our listener emails, and the
others are from our patroon V I P. S. If
you'd like to submit your listener email, please do I
(02:33):
read them all I reply to them all, and I
love hearing from you. Just right to your name here
at alcomy this dot com. That's your name here dot com.
See Number one comes to patron VPP James Garcia, who
wrote simply how the Louisiana Senator got his groove back? Uh, Senator, Senator, senator,
(03:00):
if I could have your senator, he's sleeping right now,
he's just taking a little Now, Okay, can you give
me an e t A on when I should come back. Well,
i'd say maybe in about two to three days, maybe
ten minutes. I'm sorry. What was your name? Oh? My
my name is Marga Reli, Marja. Really, yes, you haven't
(03:22):
been with the senator long? Can I just tell you
that when he says give me two or three days rest,
it's like two or three minutes. It's all really needs. Well,
I'm just listening to what he said. He's been so
depressed lately, the governor louis dear as the governors upset
the Senator. Yes, everyone, I didn't know you guys were
(03:45):
so close to the door. Marshal the Senator is ready
for you. Come on in. I'll stand outside. Okay, it
will excuse now, how are you doing today? Uh? I
didn't get your name. My name's Bethany. Bethany. Um, how
(04:05):
how is the senator? Can I get a minute of sleep?
And he's very tired right now. I'm sorry, you're gonna
have to come back in two to three days. Two
to three days. Yeah, that's not how the Senate works.
We need him to vote on a couple of things.
So if I could just get his ear for ten minutes,
I don't think that we can do that. I'm sorry.
(04:28):
The Senate is sleeping right now. And if you could
give it to me on paper and I'll ask him
whatever you need to get voted on. What is your
title here? Bethany? Me? Oh, I'm just I do I
help around that? Oh? I feel like you're making it
up right now? Me? Oh no, I've been part of me,
part of me. I didn't see you to Bethy. Hello, sir,
(04:50):
what is your name? Oh? My name? My name is
pork Chop. Um. Are you the show in a way, Bethany?
The Senator will see you now if you're ready. Oh,
I was just in there seeing the senator see me again? Okay,
(05:12):
booty pork Chop, Perhaps you could get me in for
the senator for just ten minutes. Wouldn't that be something
sweet to do? If I do you a favor, you
gotta do me a favorite name it. I want to
kiss on the neck? Kiss on the neck, Yeah, any
(05:33):
particular spot on the neck, anywhere on my neck, and
then I can't promise you, but I'll do my best
to get you ten minutes. So kiss on the neck
gets me a non promise your best effort, yes, sir,
take her to leave it. I'm gonna leave it. WHOA
where am I? Where am I sleeps? Being destroyed? Senator?
(05:55):
Go back to bed? Yes? See a Oh I got
walking up from a deep sleep. Sleep is there is
there bethany? Back to sleep? Oh, I don't think I
got my my my ram sleep? Oh no, no, you
(06:19):
need that rim sleep. I'm gonna be for the rest
of the day. You come back to sleep, Senator, Your
ram is waiting. Okay, now there is there was a
girl in my dreams who is communicating with me. A woman,
(06:39):
A woman and your dream I'm sorry, I am old
school and I will call women goils. All right, Well
I'm still just a woman though. Okay, but you you
imagine they meaning I dreamed you up. So I don't
know why the thing that of my own imagination is
correcting me. I'm sixty eight years old. Oh no, you're
(07:03):
far too old for me. Now call me crazy Sarah,
But I think you. I think you liked that I did.
I did. Uh, surprisingly like it more than I ever
would have thought I would. But I don't feel I'm
any closer than seeing the senator. Oh but you are.
(07:24):
I am. I'm gonna go in there and get Marjorie.
She'll know what to do. Give me one second. Thank you.
Pork chop out, Marjorie. No, I'm not gonna gonna sleep, Senator.
Somebody else has he told the room? Is that pork chop?
(07:45):
Can I rub your feet for you? Senator? Put you
back to sleep? You know how I like it? Okay, Marjorie,
get out there. What do you mean why I kicked
out of here? You're not gonna kick out. You're being summoned.
It's a guy out there. Just send those there's a
man outside giving great net kisses. Now you love a
good Netkasce. Don't you got neck kisses? Yeah? You scoop, scoop.
(08:08):
Get the balls, Get the balls on my feet. Get
the balls on my feet. Hello, I what did you see?
Your man? He's given neck kisses, do you yeah? Yeah,
nick kisses. I never I never heard of such a thing.
(08:31):
Not a man given this house. He's a man given neckkisses. Well,
it's all good for me. I got a little I
got some creuton and oh no, no, you need to
go to sleep. You need to lunch. Oh that it's
more than enough. Why do I need to go to sleep?
(08:52):
If I got a good tone in my throat, we
all sleep. Cires all wound. I don't know. I think
I'm a child to death in my sleep. I cut
myself on the side of my stomach now and I
want to bed in the he'll find I look at
that that is that smells. There's a smell all healed up.
Oh god, it's offensitive, Senator. While I'm down here, I'm
(09:15):
gonna give you a foot reading, please park job tell
me my future. I felt like I have my groove
and now I lost it. I no longer I have
my groove. Mm hmmmmmmm. Something's happening here at the heel.
The he'll ain't right? Okay, so what does that mean
(09:37):
to you? The he'll ain't right? I don't I don't
read feet for a living. You tell me, well, to me,
it means that somebody in your entourage is affecting the
way you walk, so to speak, really well, I mean,
I have a NonStop entourage full of hottes. I got
(09:57):
mas relief, I got best in it. I got you
poor check in about me, I year old lady who
lives in my dreams. Perhaps perhaps, Senator, gentleman outside who's
wanting to speak to you, perhaps he holds the key
to getting your groove back. Really, I'm just saying, I'm
(10:17):
just seeing what I see on the feet, seeing when
I see on the feet. Other Senator, Other Senator. We
got a an anonymous tip. I'm sorry to follow you
to this senator's house, Senator, but we got an anonymous
tip on our hotline that you've been giving neck kisses.
You got an anonymous tip. An anonymous tip. I mean
(10:38):
she said her name was pork Chop. We are we
now trusting the word of an anonymous individual by the
name of pork Chop. I'm saying, you're totally You're totally correct.
That's the That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. I apologize, Senator,
because I didn't by bypass anonymous people named pork Chop
on my way to becoming a senator. You are you
(11:01):
are correct? I am started to interrupt, Senator, but I
heard that you were given free neck kisses out. I
just had to rush behind and get one. I'll just
kiss it right here, Bethany. I'm gonna presume that you've
spoken with a character by the name of perk Jump,
and I'm going to ask that you disregard any all
missives from perk Jam. Senator. Do you want me to
(11:25):
pretend like I'm not here for this conversation? Okay, Okay,
Now you're referring to my colleague, Senator Steinstein from New York?
Is that correct? That's correct. Yeah, he's a he's a
real New Yorker if you catch my meaning. But it
was even though he was across the aisle from me
(11:48):
of a different party. I do respect him. Uh so
if you could see on him. Man, we all on
the Armed Services Committee, and it's what different than the
Enforce Committee? Okay, let me just kiss your feet goodbye, okay,
(12:09):
and I'll be right back. All right? Oh, where is
my groove? Chop? Fok chop? Is that you book chop, Yeah,
poke Chop, is that you? Yes, Mama, it's me. Need
to go through this every day, Mama, I'm the only
one stopping about to visit you. Of course, don't you
(12:31):
never reading my feet anymore? Poke shot, I read a Mama.
You're gonna die today. Oh, feed me to the gators.
Ain't gonna happen. You don't get to pick that wish.
But I I am going to give you this sack
of potatoes here. I'm on my way to go see
a big senator from New York. You, poke chop, You're
(12:52):
gonna change the world. Punk chot, pokhop. You fell asleep.
You wanted I did that. That was all me. I
made you fall asleep. You wanted into my dream inception style.
Do I look sixty eight to you, poke chop, tell
me the truth? No, no, you look great. Well I'm
(13:13):
so confused, everybody, you have to dream bigger Dolly enough.
Follow me. We have to invade this bank. Okay, follow me. Everyone,
imagine some guns quickly, um, quickly. I got an umbrella,
all right, that's all I imagine. Okay, we have ten
minutes before the settor wakes up. Hurry up quickly, alright,
(13:37):
I can't help it. I just keep imagining like muscles,
and I don't think muscles are gonna help in this.
My guns just keepett bigger, big guns have muscles. I
want to stay you imagine guns. I'm imagining up on
my arms. Excuse me, you over there? I asked for
a beggar and a schmar about forty minutes ago. Is
there anyway we can get that happening? You want to
(13:59):
be yet? No, I don't want to be. I don't
want to make chickory fucking coffee. It with like a bagel,
lightly toasted with Papa Nickel, preferably but not necessary. We
have beign. Okay, yes, I don't want to alarm I
(14:23):
don't want to alarm you, but you are currently he's
too late. We're sleeping. Oh thank God, follow God, follow me.
This makes so much more sense as a dream. Okay,
come on, where are we going, park Chop? You're going
to meet someone very important. Finally, this is going to
(14:43):
be the biggest moment of your careers. Anything, well, I
can't imagine how you would know what that would be.
But okay, okay, this is the professor. Professor I brought
him to you. Fess that's what he calls himself. Fessor
tell him my planners. Well, right now we're working defense
(15:06):
and I've used it science to do. Okay, so we've
invaded your dream. There's some people invading the other senator's dreams. Uh,
we're having a dream warrior right here. That's great. That's
great stuff, great stuff. Nice to me and Professor enjoy
the rest of your What are you doing shop at
Disney World? Couldn't you dream up something better than a
BEGNY shop? I didn't dream any of this. We're in
(15:28):
your dream right now. This is disgusting. No, it's great,
super great, but you should see it outside. There's disgusting
things that you're dreaming. It's your subconscious. It's gross. Okay, Well,
I can't control my subconscious now, can I? I guess not.
I can't, But you can't now these crawlfish bigners or
out of this world? That senator, Senator, it's Senator stan Stein.
(15:54):
That's me. Yes, it's so good to see your son
from New York. Thank you, thank you for seeing me.
I can't believe it yet. I tipped my hat at
the phalanx of human Uh do gooders as stood between
myself and you. Well, I have a very helpful staff.
(16:15):
Let's call it that, sir. We need you for a
very important vote. Is there any way I can get
you out of your slumber for for just an hour? Now?
Am I dreaming now? Or is this reality? So? I
promise you you're not. In fact, I'm gonna give you
a quick shot to the jaw just to make that point. Oh,
you got that. But I do dream very vividly, and
(16:36):
I feel pain in my dreams. So have you ever
killed anyone in a dream of yours? Several times? Okay,
damn it, I guess it's you that can't die. So doctors,
if you gather around based on the brain scans the
two senators that fell into the comma last week after
(16:57):
that horrific car, he seemed to be communicating doctor, how
are you doing? Doctor? Doctor? I suspected something like this
might happen often times. Yeah, please, you always had these
wild ideas, and I never believe you. Frankly, Oftentimes, when
trauma happens to two people at once, they are connected,
even if they're not physically connected. Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, which
(17:21):
doctor are you talking to? You've been doing this for
the past fifteen minutes, and I would just like to
know who you're addressing. I'm just saying, heart of the doctors. Okay,
well we've been said hello to thank you doctor doctor
m hmmm. Uh Now Dr pam if I may call
you by your first name, Dr pam Um, do you
(17:43):
have the wild ideas? I wonder where should we do
next with them? Should we go inside of them? Should
we should we experiment on the brange? Would absolutely we
can go inside of them. We just jump right into
them with this little Well, I'll tell you, sir, I
have never collaborated on such a remarkable bipartisan bill. Uh.
(18:07):
It really was a pleasure of writing this with you.
And I believe like you've thrown some park my way,
I've thrown some park your way, uh pork metaphorically of course, yes,
of course, thank you appreciate that. I'm not sure my
Rabbi would understand why I was wearing thrown park, but yes,
I'm following you. Why can't the country get together like this?
(18:30):
I mean, two senators from different parties, from different states
collaborating on this bill. Why why? Why? Sir? You you
want me to answer that I was Senators listen to us.
(18:51):
We are doctors. She's Dr Pam, I'm Doctor Paul Pard.
Y'all have guns. Dr John, you are both You've been
in a car accident. Both I have had trauma to
your brains. You're both unconscious and communicating. That is correct
because we all know in the real world there is
no way that one senator from one aisle and another
(19:13):
senator from another aisle would come together and agree on anything.
Dream sense. So you have two choices, because it's weird
getting down here. Okay, here ourselves down real small and
ride a five G signal right into your brains. It
(19:35):
was inside us. Okay, so this is more like a
fantastic varge thing and not an inception that it's It's
more like that Martin short movie Fantastic were the kids
(19:57):
minute times? All right, Well, we don't have you keep talking.
You could either hold your breath to come back to
life where you were in current time, or doctor, you
can leave in the stream world or hands reach across
(20:20):
aisles for a better today. Or you can choose door
number C. Doctor beating down here. Yeah, I'll have one
of those bands. Yes, Hi, I'm trying to reach Senator Steinstein.
(20:40):
Apparently he's gone to sleep for a couple of days.
Now with the Louisiana Senator. Here's the thing, um, Senator
Steinstein was making some questionable decisions right up until um
he uh had an accident. Um, but I'm happy to,
you know, give him any message that is. I yeah,
(21:01):
the messages. That's scene number one, kind of an snl
end of the cold opening steal from the Best and
or the Worst seem too. Is from comrade who wrote,
(21:26):
Dear Kevin, an Alchemy this gang. I wanted to write
in to say how glad I am that you're still
putting out the show. Believe it or not. One of
the first things I thought of when this whole ship
storm first started was, oh, how will the Alchemy This
players gather to record the show? No, you did not, conrade,
but I'll keep reading. Even writing those words sounds a
little sarcastic, like a sarcastic burn Alchemy this, But I
(21:49):
swear it's true. Huh. I guess I should have kept reading.
The fact that you were able to keep putting out
episodes on a regular schedule has been a huge part
of keeping my routine feeling as normal as it can
be and keeping me semi aware as to what fucking
day of the week it is as a bonus you,
Kevin can't go anywhere, so no guess hos ha ha ps.
(22:12):
I do really like Cole, especially in the live shows. Anyway,
As a tribute to you as central workers of improv,
I will list my favorite trait or quirk of each
of you. Kevin and I love that anytime fecal, mattel
or semen is involved in a scene, you suggest taking
(22:34):
a sample for future analysis of some kind. Joey, I
love that any time a character you aren't playing needs
the name and needs it fast, that name is Duncan
Vanessa and I guess we'll pass this along. I love
that you're so abusive towards James and not really and
not only do you give him ship constantly, even your
(22:54):
characters invariably give James's character a huge batch of ship
as well. Wow Us. I love that you were not
afraid of some silence and long pauses and service of
the ultimate hilarity. Craig. I love the way you say
look uh right before you list in dead pen fashion
every insane aspect oh and dead pan fashion, sorry, every
(23:18):
insane aspect of whether of whatever is it? God? Almighty
of whether there is absurdly going on in a scene.
Should I read that one again? I think I got it.
I think okay, good and James, I love that. Even
though you are getting sick of the James Heeney scenes,
you know, the ones James Heney fixes a toaster, James
Heney reincarnates as a ferret, James Heney rummages through his pantry, etcetera.
(23:43):
I still love it. And now to my scene suggestion.
James Heney sets up a zoom meeting just kidding. Actual suggestion.
A therapist begins to suspect that all of his or
her clients are secretly undercover therapists. I love you all, Conrade. Well,
(24:05):
I mean it started for me early on, but it
wasn't anything that I thought that that wasn't that big
of a deal, of course, but you know, working for
an individual with that much power does come with a
lot of thrills. So I did find myself going back
and forth on whether these things were anything. But now
I know something most serious. This is the end of
(24:26):
your session. So I very much hate to say it,
but I think, uh, I think that you must take
time to leave now. Okay, I'm so sorry that I
interrupted right in the middle of your thing. But it
easy end of the session. I've got very many people coming,
all right, but I will say your bedside manner is
(24:48):
a little curt so I will leave. But I must
have been last last few minutes. I was watching Clark
so when it when it ticked, I wanted to So
you are just going to an it flat out and
there's a gentleman coming in here to escort me out. Well, fantastic.
Well that's just how it um. Hi doctor, doctor therapist,
(25:11):
thank you. Yes, sit down, I've been better. I yeah, okay,
I'll sit down. Can I lay down? I'm gonna lay down.
I'm going to be on the floor for this entire
laid down. I cannot see you if you're laying on
the floor. That's okay. I just need to talk to someone.
I've been having a lot of memories about that. I'm
(25:32):
not quite sure if they're my memories or if like
they're me in a past life, or like they must
be your memories because the past life do not exist.
You know, they could, they could exist. I think they might, um,
but maybe you know, I was just hoping you could
help me with these problems. That I've been having, of course,
(25:52):
but of course I must say that I'm going to
try to make you not to believe that these are
past lives and understand that they are. They're very much
your memories. Agent therapist, Agent therapist, this is command center.
Please see if you can get the doctor to talk
about his own mother, his own You know, I'm getting
this vibe, like this maternal vibe that you're giving off. Yeah, yeah,
(26:16):
it's like a mother lady. Tell me about your mother, doctor,
Why don't you tell me about I cannot tell you
about my mother. She was gone. That's faced by my
sensing some issues, some mommy issues here, my dearest kind
of things. Mommy struggle very much for emotion. She beat
you with wire hangers or I don't I don't think
(26:39):
you'll hold me. I said, my mother was not there. No,
I think she was there, and you're just misremembering because
I'm pretty sure you know your mother, but maybe very
very young age. And here you go, that's my insurance information.
So I just take a seat. That right, and then okay,
(26:59):
that's right, that's right. Is it's all current does as
far as I know. Okay, And um, actually you didn't
fill out one question here it says optional, but it's
better if you feel it out. Um, specifically, what what
reason is bringing you to our office today? One reason
is bringing me to this office today, I'd say the
biggest reason is, uh work. I work with the government. Okay, okay,
(27:30):
work for the government. You don't have to write that down.
Oh I I do, I do. I'm not just a receptionist.
I'm also I'm in school to be a therapist. So
I'm oh, yeah, what are you? Uh, what's going on
with you? Oh? I don't know. M just so okay,
(27:51):
you work for the government, and that's causing a little stress.
This is just for the doctors. So when he gets
in there, he knows, he knows what's doing with it.
And you are you feeling a little stressed out of
being here? Uh? I mean yeah, it's a job, you
know what I mean. So it's like it's it's got
pressure and it's just a job. Let me get this spelling.
Your last name is Munch, Is that right? Sure? Okay?
(28:15):
So okay, okay, Ronnie? Who my first and last name? Yeah? Okay?
And did you is this a contact number where you
can where somebody can we can reach them? In case
an emergency, not that anything's gonna happen. So if you
can make sure that's my that's my partner. Do you
have a partner? Invent? And when I was four years old,
(28:37):
she actually left. Yes, and that is paid. But you know,
sometimes you just need to recognize the emotion and not
really experience it. You can witness it, but you don't
have to go through it like it might be the
past life, like it could be a past life. Exactly.
Are you comfortable there on the floor doctor, thank you? Yes,
(29:00):
I'm sorry I should get that. I guess I just
feel like I'm experiencing most of my trauma and I
know that there's an option to witness it, you know,
but I'm so, I'm so, I'm so inside of it.
It's like how do I how do I get out
of exactly? I feel the same way. I'm sorry, that's
p p O or h m oh, it's p E
T E R. You're asking my name. Oh no, I
(29:24):
know it's Peter munch Um. I just didn't know if
this is it, Like this is another example of like
here I am. I have to get it right. I
have to because I feel the same way. I feel
like it's all like so it's crazy working with these
people in government and just like they're like, you gotta
do it this way, or like you know, you know,
you're just gonna like but you are getting it right,
(29:46):
You're getting you right right. I don't know. I don't
know who I am. All right, I've given up so
much of me towards the suit and I mean that
figured me literally, you know, I'm like, it's just a
shell of a man. You know what's gent therapist, agent, therapist.
I need you to get away from the receptionist for
fox sake and get in and talk to the doctor.
Is that possible. I really think I'm having a command center.
(30:08):
I need you to get you want to talk to
the therapist. I really think I'm having to break through. Here.
You are, you are right in front of me. Okay, okay, okay, okay,
Look I gotta go. Okay, I go wait wait wait
wait wait wait ding dong ding dong. What you're doing?
You cannot come in. I'm in the middle of a session. Sorry,
(30:30):
good man, let's get up off the floor. We were
really making progress and I want to see you again
next week at the same time. This this, yes, of course, Uh,
you just set it up with reception is still side? Okay,
I'll make an appointment for you to see me at
your office next week. Thank you. But you just see
me at my office next week. Tata, Tata, welcome. I'm
(30:54):
sorry I was floor because I was it was if
I joined you on the floor. Can I join you
in the for but of course yes, please sit down.
Did you want to schedule an appointment for next week? Uh?
And did you have a good session this time? I
had an excellent session? Thank you so much. That will
be two Okay. Then I do I need to give
(31:15):
you credit? Or is it check? Okay? Uh? Check is great?
Thank you? To make sure you put a therapy session
in the memo part just so I can keep track
of of my income course of course, of course, Um
here's the check. Also here's a thank you. Oh you're welcome. Yeah.
(31:36):
You know, you seem like you're in a good place.
You seem like you've recently had a breakthrough and like you,
I mean I'm talking moments ago, moments ago ahead to breakthrough. Yeah,
because I'm getting a balance vibe, like I almost smell
balance coming off of you. That's weird, that's weird. I
believe it. So, Kurt, you're conducting an internal affairs investigation
(31:59):
of a therapist. Okay. Look by by sending other therapists in,
and you've all you've given all of them the code
name and agent therapists. I'm so glad you're on board now, Bill,
I'm not necessarily on board. You're you've spent two million
(32:19):
dollars on this investigation for sixteen months. Yes, over sixteen months, right? Uh?
And so all of these therapists are going in disguised
as patients to Okay, I mean give them different code names?
I mean, is it too much to ask it? Clearly? Is?
I'm not sure what your angle is on this, Bill?
(32:41):
What is your angle? What? What are you hoping to
find out? He's already gathered exceptional data on this therapist? Okay, okay,
So do we have enough to bring him in? Interrupt?
I think going? Uh? Hi, Director, yes, dingd on what
(33:03):
and my boss, Kurt? Uh? We I have a more
intel on the doctor therapist. If you want to just
take that he works for me. If you send it
through an email, you don't have to come by the office. Okay,
We'll just going by naval protocol. We have everything on paper.
So it's just we paper file everything now, so you
know what? But also, how was everyone doing? Is everyone alright?
(33:25):
Is everyone good? Yeah? Look look, first of all, we
are the U. S. Navy, so we are going by
US Navy protocol. So why we're investigating this this independent
therapist who seems to be competent. I mean he has
a an Austrian accent, which makes them authentic. Now, is
(33:47):
therapist his real last name? No, no, it's none of
their real last names. I'm talking about the doctor doctor therapists. Oh,
that's definitely his last name. That is his real last name.
That was red Fly number seven by the way, Okay, yeah,
we have it all. All the flags are listened out here. Director,
So okay, just take me through the bullet points. What
(34:08):
do you do we think that he's committed crimes? Well,
doctor therapist, that was a busy day today. It's very
busy today. That I love working here. By the way,
it's when you know that I love it too. You're
very good receptionist. One day you'll be very good therapist.
You should think about changing last name. Oh is that
(34:31):
it's not a good name. It's just so hard you
want to make someone feel like you're authority. Get good
last name dry dr therapists. Don't don't move. There's a
red dot on your forehead. It's if I have adult acne.
I'm sorry. Let me I just kept okay, maybe it's
(34:51):
maybe it's that I can't seem to feel it my head. Okay, here, well,
let me get in front of here, let me stand
there and now sets on. It's contagious. It is contagious. Man,
I want to get that green light. It's fucking on.
Oh my god. Do you ever kill somebody? You ever
kill somebody? Because uh, just doing the back of the
(35:12):
coconut count Yeah, shooting some in the back of the head. Yeah,
that's definitely. Then I've killed a bunch of paper. Okay.
Now I'm not as clear at the front of the face.
I'll be honest with you. Yeah, it's hard when you
when you get very little experience looking into their eyes.
They keep on jumping in and out of the site.
It's uh, look now it's on me, Now it's on you.
(35:35):
It's awesome. I wish we could do this on purpose.
I can't control it. Okay, I definitely didn't authorize an assassination,
didn't you though I definitely did not. Yeah, you sound definitive,
but I'll be honest with you. So there's a paper trail.
Tell him, ding dunk, there's a paper trail that suggests otherwise. Okay, yes,
(35:56):
there is. There is a You did say bullet point
and we took that doesn't mean no, no bullet the
bullet points on the memo. That's ding Dong, ding Dong.
Can we call off the assassins immediately? Please? Yes? Please? Yes?
Who wants to take that? Do you want me to
do that? Or ding dong? If you could ask them
to stand down, it's all I'm asking you to do.
(36:18):
You got on that as soon as I can watch watch.
Uh look now it's in my mouth. I can't believe
it's you can still see it in the darkness of you,
I swear to Christ. He turns around. I'm putting two
in the back of his coconut. Come up, Come up.
We gotta wait for the green light. You want to
shoot into his mouth, I'm not gonna shoot into his mouth.
I mean wherever. If the shot is clear, I gotta
(36:38):
take it, you know what I mean. I'm down, yeah,
and I'm down for whatever. I am broken, man, I
am broken from the things I've done. It looks like
one of them just ran away. But there is he's back. Okay, okay, ship,
we gotta get that to turn around. Just turn around, dude,
turn around. Oh my god, around. I believe this, he say.
It's not I'm mass hallucination, but a very small hallucination.
(37:02):
But yes, yes, it definitely sounds like you've had a
tough time. Go ahead and lay down on the ground.
Well down on the ground. We cannot see the red
light the dances, but we uh. Oh my god, I'm
very glad that I laid down. There are holes in
(37:22):
the ball. Yes, you could have missed my more technically,
can you just relax, Just help me, really, just help me.
You could have got the window. You didn't shoot the window.
You hit the wall right when they were standing. I
must say, I very much feel like you are helping
me more. I feel uncomfortable taking your money. I feel
(37:45):
like this should be an even session. Understandable. You should duck.
There are there. It's okay. They're not going to hit me.
They won't hit me. The holes will not hit you.
I'm sorry, what, No, they won't hit me. That bullets
won't hit me. Now, if you're asking me, I think
it's gonna be Denver forty maybe Raiders. Oh my god,
(38:09):
holy ship, Oh my god. I gotta talk the director,
ding Dong Ding, Director ding Ding What is it? I
completely forgot to call off the assassination? What that seemed
to to everybody? Just for in Austria was invaded by Japan?
What happened to the accent there? James? All right? I
(38:32):
was trying to do Australian. Yes, yes you were. See
three comes from patron v I P. Jason Taylor, who
wrote It's Mr t from Australia, messaging once again. So
far you've used a few of my scene suggestions, and
a few weeks ago I emailed through another detailed suggestion
(38:56):
about James Heney faking his own death to attend his
funeral disguised to hear nice things said about himself. But
then I heard Kevin's request to make scene suggestions less
detailed and not about the performers personally. At first I
felt terrible, that's my intent, so and then I remembered
(39:16):
that I'm paying v I P Patreon, and you can
run my goddamn scene anyway. That's right, that's right, Hell yeah,
he continues, No, I kild James. You're the best, and
I'm aware of the irony of sending a detailed message
to say, I'll send less detailed suggestions from now on.
(39:37):
Please replace the previous suggestion with this one. A slew
of horror movie icons, and then he names a few
like Mike Myers and leather Face and so on. Catch
up with each other at a bar after work to
complain and winge about their problems. Shout out to Kevin
(39:57):
the real v I p who made alchemy the It
is a thing that's not necessary, nor should have I
read it. Stay safe, Jason Taylor. That's all right, thank you,
Jason Taylor. We take you to that bar now after
work for horror movie icon. I normally don't hang out
in crowds anymore, not after prom Oh, Carrie, I think
(40:23):
it's important that we get to go out and enjoy
each other's company. I guess so. It just really puts
me in a bad mood. Being around people also bad.
But if they they do, if they cross the line,
I'll kill them, kill them all. I'll kill them, Carrie,
calm down, were kill them all? Whoa shop? That glass
(40:45):
is flying over here? Hey, Carrie, please please, I come
to this restaurant quite a bit, so I'd really rather
not get kicked out. Okay, I'm I'm hungry. Let's order. Hey, guys,
welcome to Pupo's. Um So, just so you know, we
have a couple of different specials tonight. H What are
you laughing at? What are you laughing at? She's not
(41:07):
laughing at you. Don't worry because I spent a lot
of time putting this outfit together, and I thought it
about it a lot before I got here. Really, it
looks like something you just threw together. I will kill you.
I will kill you. Carry Let go over, please, let
go over. Sorry? Ah, yes, thank you all for coming.
(41:29):
We're gonna start the board meeting. We're gonna bypass reading
last week's minutes, feed up mine, and just jump right
into Jim. So, I guess I'm just not going to
be here. I've got an issue I think we all
want to talk about, and that is your decision, without
checking with the board, to change the name of our
chain of restaurants to Poopo's. I mean, I don't I
(41:52):
don't see how that's appetizing to anyone. I don't see
how that drives business into our pockets. Could you explain
yourself please, Jim, do you want to get on thattterr
uh sure? I first liked to Before I explain myself,
I like to take a moment of silence for the
(42:12):
young waitress who was working at Pupo's who lost her
life when the other girl killed her with her brain.
Just a quick take a moment of silence for the okay,
official police report, by the way, that she was killed
by the other girl's brain. I don't know, Linda, what
I was. Oh. I was just gonna say, I support
I support you. I mean, sorry, it's fine, It's totally fine.
(42:37):
I was just standing at hand across an aisle to say, hey,
I'm gonna support whatever you say right now, because I
know you're going to support Poopo's. Yeah, because you know,
we really put a lot of pressure on Jim. But
but now I can see why because he's a little grumpy.
He's a little grumpy. We were, we were R J. Mcgrubbs.
(42:57):
That's a perfectly good name for a restaurant in Tavern.
Here's what course it sounds good for you. It's your
goddamn name, all right here Here's what I didn't like
about r J mcgrabs, and I'm gonna be honest with
you right now. Is that is that we had that
sign that said no shoes, no shirts, sir, no problem.
(43:19):
Oh yeah, yeah no, it said no problems. We know
the demographic we're trying to attract. I wanted it to
say service. What's the gym? We're a restaurant on the
goddamn Panhandle with Florida. All Right, we can we can't
be thinking about this other ship. Okay, we got okay, alright, okay?
Where does food go into your mouth? Oh? Where does
(43:41):
he travel through your stomach? Go? And does it end? Pop?
I have to agree with Jim on this, like I'm
not a straw from it sounds it's okay. I'm sorry
being cranky again. I'm just what. I'm just trying to
support you. I don't know why I'm doing this to you,
and it's not you, it's me. It sounds exotic. I
(44:02):
would want to eat at an exotic restaurant. You haven't
said a goddamn word. What's going on, Carrie. I I
feel like there's a lot of suspicion that maybe you
did that with your mind I'm not. I'm not bothering you,
am I not yet? Okay, I just there's been a
(44:23):
lot of people that kind of say that you caused
that ladies had to kind of bleed out of her eyes.
That'd be crazy, I know, so I was thinking, But
it's just I don't know. I feel a little nervous
around you, like I've got to walk on egg shells.
Maybe I just make your heart beat faster. I feel
like that sometimes maybe I take your breath away. Maybe
I take it away, maybe I take it. Well, they're
(44:46):
going by the corners report here her head bled out
of her eyes. So all that's left of her her
eyes or head bled out. Does that make sense? Doctor? Doctor?
Does that make okay? Look, so you're saying, you're saying
(45:07):
the rest of her head bled out of her eyes,
her whole head, but her head bled out of her eyes,
which is why we're left with just this pair of eyes,
just the eyes. But yeah, did you collect the brain
matter and put her in a separate place, because if
it came to her eyes, it should be someone in
telling the whole bones or of the whole thing or
(45:27):
are there so just kind of like a pool of
everything it's her whole head came through her eyes. Does that?
I'm trying, doctors, I'm trying to make this well, don't
Paul and I recently went inside somebody's body, people's bodies,
and so this doesn't sound as crazy to us as
it might to others. Basically, I'm saying I support what
(45:47):
you're saying right now. I understand where you're coming from. Okay,
Dr Linda, Okay, thank you, Dr Pam, Thank you, Dr Pam.
Did you go a fantastic voyage kind of route or
did you go more like an inner space kind of
inner space? We canantastic voyage happened first, so we're going
to say, okay, well I saw inner space and that's
what I based my research on. Someone with Miss Frizzle.
(46:09):
There's like a cartoon the Magic Bus. Is that correct? Yeah? Look,
we we got we got a memo to update our references. Okay,
so if the most recent reference we're working off of
his inner space, like, that's that's not good. Well, there's
a Rick and Morty episode where they do, Okay, great, great,
(46:31):
I like that. I just want my mom to love
you as much as I love you, So I'd like
you to just you know, just kind of try to
brighten spirits up before we go in. Okay, do you guys?
Manifested on with you? There's not a lot of room
here in the restaurant. Please take a seat. His mom
will be here second. My mom's coming. But I don't know.
(46:54):
I could use some backup, you know what I'm saying. Yeah,
I feel so comfortable on you tell me about your home. Well,
my mom is a guess. You guys, welcome to pupos.
How you doing? Just gonna take your order a couple.
I'm not ready to order yet. My mom's going to
be meeting us, and I don't think he's sitting with us.
And I haven't caught your name. Sorry, I haven't caught
(47:19):
your name. Are we doing this now? I'm so sorry?
Why did you have to make him say it out loud? Jesus,
you can't tell by looking at me. I didn't know
that you didn't have a name that went along with it.
I figured if I just said, hey, wolf man, I
(47:40):
am so sorry. Hey what are you looking at? Nothing?
I'm just just he stop, please ship. I can do
a lot of stuff with my brain. Oh, drink, drink,
(48:00):
no rank, no popos. Drank pupos drink No, that crap.
It's the monster and I don't think we should have
him from over here. Please don't fight him over here.
Oh what a day, What a day? He will pick
up the check wolfman? Can you dig it? Who you? Okay? Alright,
(48:33):
so thanks for meeting here. Board meeting again. Listen, a
lot of terrible ships going down in our restaurant. And
you know what, maybe it's the name. Maybe it's the name.
We didn't have this this many fatalities when it was
called fatality j MC. If you're if you're flip flopping
on your name, then I'll support that. Agent board member,
(48:55):
Agent bard member. I need you to get the lead
to lie down on the ground. Just get them to
lie down on the ground. I've got a lot of questions.
It's throwing everything off. It looks like it looks like
your back is hurting. Is your back hurting? You should
really lay down on the ground right now, cheez it is.
I'm an impath. I'm an EmPATH, and I can feel
(49:17):
things from other people. I can learn about something from you. Yeah,
I'll lay down on the ground. Down to the ground. There,
you go, lay down on the ground. There, you go, alright,
so let's let's change restaurant. Then all, let's take it
to a vote. So we all right, so we're all
voting on one of two names. Is that correct? Yes,
(49:38):
you're feeling really sleepy right now, aren't you on the ground?
That's right. You're gonna take a nast little wrist, aren't you,
Jim Jim? There you go? Well, there you go. I
WI should just vote then, or what don't we? Senator?
(50:05):
This is your new friend? Where am i? Well? Hell,
hello there friend? Well, what what brings you to my dream?
I was just in a board meeting. I'm a shareholder
of Poopo is the restaurant you probably familiar with? It?
Is that p U P E A U X. That
(50:26):
would be the way you're smelling. That is the way
we spell it down South, and it is classic. You've
got Jambalaia there. That is to die for? Thank you?
What is happening? I lay down and now I'm here
with you two? And you're okay? From yeah? Okay? Well
your your inner dream, your inner dream, because I'm I'm
working here together with my jewel, my jew colleague. Look,
(50:52):
I could be I could be straightforward with you and
not talking to you, fhemisms um, but there is, because
there is a janitor at your restaurant who was horrifically
burned and now has knives on his fingers. If you
see him, he can't kill you in the dream. Okay,
so you gotta you gotta wake up immediately if you
(51:15):
see that fellow. All right, Okay, how do I wake
up now? No? No, I'm telling you there was a
scary guy that you But I'm a friend, I'm a
friend son. Okay, yeah, but I want to I want
to warn everybody else. So wake me up now to
Freddie's who These little babies, they're cute, the Paul Chops kids.
(51:42):
I'm I'm just baby sitting. See. You can do a dream,
all right. So Jim is composing right now. It looks
like there's blood coming out of his child. Are we're
gonna have this vote or what are we gonna? Oh?
He might have he might have been killed in the dream.
(52:05):
Asian board member is man, I need you to take out.
I think he's being taken out already. I don't know
that the one that crossed me into the left, I'm
not sure what his name is. He looks real stupid Okay,
no problem, I got this. Um, why don't you come over?
Stick closer? Yeah, I'm talking to you, weirdo. Do you
(52:27):
not know my name? Don't know my name? How long
we've been on the board together? You don't know? Okay,
ding Dong, Relax, I forgot your name. Okay, Um, why
don't you I'm using my brain right now? Are you
using your brain right now? Okay? Look, chet Chat, I
(52:50):
don't know how you still have a job after the
therapist murder debacle. But now you've sent ding Dong and
to infiltrate the board of of a of a chain restaurant. Well,
it's more than just a chain restaurant, Bill, Okay, please
enlighten me. Yeah, it's a corporation that owns many chains
(53:14):
of restaurants. Yeah, and so every now and then we
have to collect data, keep collecting data. And so far,
after fifteen months, I can tell you we're not there yet. Okay.
So you have ding Dong on the inside, yet you
also have another agent who you're trying to yes, uh huh,
I'm contemplating a third. Are you going to micromanage all
(53:35):
of my work? Bill? Look, the U. S. Navy is
spending billions of dollars on this program. Yeah, why once
you get back to working on cone reds and get
off my balls already. Okay, Bill, thank you for meeting
the Senate Committee on Action Force and Teams and uh,
we're sorry, but we're gonna have to get the fund bill.
(54:01):
Are you okay? Well? Nothing, okay, that was a good no. No, no, no, no. Look,
I'm having a rough ass day, okay, And I know
I should have prepared more for the Senate hearing, but
I mean, if you're you're cutting the funding. Great, great
problems solved. Bill. The doctor will see you now, doctor therapist.
(54:28):
Your next client is here, pretty god, please bring him in.
Wait a minute, I was just in a Senate subcommittee
hearing and now I'm walking into a therapists office couch. Okay, Um,
how does it work? I just start talking about my life? Yeah?
I think that if you have something you want to
(54:49):
talk about, sure, Otherwise I'll ask you questions about your life. Okay? Yeah? Um?
Are you Japanese? That's all? Oh the perfect world we
have found ourselves in. Let's go around and thank all
of our alchemists please, starting with Mrs Garlic Color. Yeah,
(55:12):
thank you for having me. Um check things out at
west Side Comedy dot com. That's where I work and
teach and perform and we're doing online stuff west Side
Comedy dot Com. Check it out. Please enjoy the show.
Last night. As a matter of fact, damn, damn damn funny. Yeah,
one of the house teams did their sketch show and
it was fantastic. That's all up on twitch Twitch fantastic.
(55:35):
Mr Chris Alvarado, Hey, thanks for having me. I love
playing with you guys. I want to do a quick
shout out to a gentleman named Caleb Sensio who sent
me a personal message through Instagram saying, by the way,
tell James, Joey and Vanessa. I said you're my favorite.
But it was kind of more of a sympathy thing.
He went on to say, just kidding, like I love everybody,
(55:57):
but please give me sh it on my behalf. So
it wasn't really I got excited for a second, uh,
and then he backed away from it. So thanks. James
Senior response, Well, Caleb, I think that it was really
nice what you did and it's wonderful. And if you
(56:18):
aren't in the Chris camp anymore, my camp's got room
for one more and your reviews you want to share
or information you know, I I don't have one set
up right now, but I'll tell you why. I guess
people are just so busy during this uh you know
that's what They just haven't gotten a chance to get
(56:39):
a review. So reviews are not happening as much as
I'd like. It seems like you're asking it seems like
you're asking for folks to write a review. And we
appreciate that refreshing my browser one more time, but it
hasn't worked in the past. Bit. So Also, the subreddit
is popping. More and more members are joining there, and
they were saying how much how much fun it is
to talk to other people who know our inside jokes
(57:01):
and everything. So, uh, you know, popping over to the
Separate Alchemy this pod. Oh awesome, Thank you for that,
Craig Atkowski. Yeah, I asked for more Cheddar Cheddar. I
asked for more cheddar on my chili. I did not
(57:23):
get it. You still haven't got it, no, okay, and
I finished my chili. Let me get back to the catch.
Take it off the bill, yes, of course, okay, thank you,
There'll be no bill bill and Joey German. Yeah, west
(57:46):
Side Comedy dot com? Yes, which dot tv backslash Westside
Comedy Bear supply every Wednesday seven o'clock. Check out Alchemy.
This is Instagram. Give it a follow. We do lives
everyone gets on their last time. I actually think the
videos on there on our Instagram, but we had James
take us through an acting tutorial. It us the tips
(58:06):
and tricks of the trade, so I recommend no knows
what's gonna happen. Thank you for that. All right, I'm
Kevin Pollock, your host. Let's thank our producer and engineer
of the stars, Mr Doug Ban, the fine folks that
I heart media from. And please continue to write to
(58:27):
us at the uh Alchemy this uh email. Which is
your name here alcomy, this dot com. That's your name
here at Alchemy this dark com. We really love hearing
from you and everyone. Please remain as healthy as you
possibly can. Follow all the guidelines that are available, all
the information is there. Um, we are concerned for each
(58:48):
and every one of you. Why because you like us.
We like people who like us, and we look after them.
And That's what I'm trying to do right now. Um No,
we do love you all, and thank you for giving
a gush god darn, and we'll see you next time.
Until then,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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