Interns Hired to Grow Marijuana; Bowling Tournament Cops vs Criminals; Bird Watchers vs Bird Hunters
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to another episode. Oh Alchemy, this, I'm your host.
Kevin Poul Like, guess that? Kevin Poul, Like, what's that?
Did you say? Pizza? Sure? I can help you. Move
on Saturday? What time do you want this sixty one
year old to show up? Dumb? Dumb, but I digress.
Let's mean our chemist in no particular order. Please say,
how do you do? Vanessa Ragman Venetia? When it comes
(00:22):
to push or shove, how shall we get that baby
out of you? I think just a calm invitation this
side of the veil. Alright, I write that down. Check
the hallway for the principle. Because James Jenie is here,
Jimmy che Che, choose me? Which is your place? Mine
is to to seven. I won't give any more information
(00:43):
than that. We'll take it. Can I get an amen?
Joey Greer is here, Joe Joe the Dodo. When the
police ask, do you know why I pulled you over?
What you're gonna say? I don't know? Office sir. Wow,
there's no way that's to get you a ticket. Pleasant
dreams to you. It's called like Akowski, Get in my carl.
(01:10):
You not creepy at all? What's your favorite kind of pie,
and wouldn't it look better smashed into Joey Grew's face? Yeah,
my favorite kind of highest smashing Joey great pie, sweet
pie to sweet pie, not a savory pie? Whatever? Whatever?
And last, but poop on your you if you here's
(01:33):
Craig Kowski. Yeah, please share one memory from your recent
trip to Poland. Just one. I wore a Slavic gangster
track suit as a crowd chanted my name pronounced tetko Ski.
That happened, Yeah, I did. I played with three guys
(01:53):
from Bratslav who improvised in character wearing matching track suits,
and they invited me to do this with them, which
was half in Polish and half in English. Would you
speak English? Yes? That wow wow U And thank you
for that. All right, let's get to our first scene.
All today's scenes suggestions regathered from our listeners emails. If
(02:15):
you'd like to submit yours, please write to the podcast
at your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's
your name here at alchemy this dot com. My first scene,
in fact, comes from listener to Jordan's who wrote, Alchemist Hello,
I just wanted to say thanks for all the amazing
content you create I look forward to every Tuesday and
Thursday when the episodes dropped. Thank you Jordan's for reminding
(02:35):
me they did forget when they drop. Uh. You all
are amazingly talented and yes even you James. Don't let
them talk you down. What's happening? Are you guys talking
me down? Extra episodes on Tuesdays? I would think there'll
(02:56):
be a little empathy for Joey coming up. Thing. I
just don't think he gets that people want to Oh
my god, it's so good. Um Y, I had a
thought of a scene suggested for you after these scumbag
boyfriend and pregnant girlfriends seeing a group of interns get
(03:17):
hired at a brand new medical marijuana growing facility in
Ohio or medical marijuana was just recently legalized. Thanks for
all the last love you, Jordan. PS, if you ever
planned to have any shows outside of California, come to Cleveland.
All right, Yeah, so I'm looking for a hybrid. What
kind of hybrid? We get a lot of hybrids, man,
(03:38):
a hybrid of the two the two strains, Yeah, the
two hybrids are a minimum of two strains. Okay, so
you have to pick the strains and see if we
have it. Okay, Why don't you show you all of
our hypes? All right? Okay, what's your name? My name
is Tom? Tom? Yes, two ends, two ends, okay? And
where are you from? Tom? I'm just local. Sure, a
(04:00):
lot of our wet is local. And uh so tell
me if you have a favorite in mine, something you've
had in the past. I love steak, I love pizza. Okay,
well we do have the steak, pizza pie, hybrid pie. No.
I just want the steak or pizza, right, But it's
just a term pizza pie. I don't want pie. I
(04:20):
just want a pizza or steak or my favorite problem pie.
I had a trauma as a child. I was birthed
into a pie tray and my mom left me, and
your mom birthed you into a pie tray and then left. Yes,
I was left at this baking factory and I was here,
was at work. I'm not sure she's left. So that's
(04:44):
just pie for you. No pie about pizza cake, that's fine.
I don't want to rush anything, but i'd like to
get my medication, your medication. I'm here to pick up
my medical marijuana. Oh, everyone's here to pick up their
American Meta one s your name down the list. Are
(05:06):
you Stone? Why would I work here if I wasn't Stone?
Oh my god, honey, I told you this was a
bad idea. We should have just stuck with CVS. I
can help you. I can help you. I'm just an
intern around here, but I'm happy to help. Are you Stone?
I'm always partially stoned, hurt. You know what. It's CVS.
(05:26):
They're all hopped up on cough sharp anyways. So let's
just give this a chance. Okay, I'm giving it. I'm fun. Okay,
you seem like it. You certainly do seem like it.
All right. Here, here's some oils, some medical marijuana oils.
And what you do is you put these on the
bottom of your feet and the skin absorbs them. He
doesn't have a foot problem. Now I have a back problem.
(05:47):
It's sciatica, right, But then be absorbed in your blood stream.
It'll go to wherever it's necessary for it to go to.
There's no blood in his foot. It's fine, Um, birch, sir,
I'm so sorry my intern status is really I'm feeling
it right now. I'm feeling very nervous. Should I just ada?
(06:09):
You should settle down, Tom, just adapt to what their
needs are, adapt what their needs are, and I'll take
a dab of this oil myself. She excuse me, take
my socks off. Excuse me? This is miss your prescription, sir,
it's okay, and here it is okay. Uh yeah, that's
(06:35):
a prescription i've ever seen sign X. Well, honestly, it
doesn't need any signature more than the next. If that's
my signature, accounts and right, we're looking for the doctor's signature.
He couldn't have gotten that without a doctor giving it
to get out the other paper on here. Here, look
at this compared to my usual writing. I didn't sign
that X. Nope, that's not your X. Oh wait, I've
(06:57):
got something in my purse. Um, hold on listen. No,
you know what, Clea. They're just trying to make us
feel ashamed when we're trying to use our legal United
States right to get some goddamn medicine. I'm sorry that
they don't treat us like this. Can someone help him? Yes,
of course, I'm sorry for you. If you could do us,
all of us, a world of good and stop mentioning
(07:19):
those three letters drug store, Hello, can I get some
weight in here? Hello? Fred? Good to see Tina, Tina,
remember me high five? So I have your gummies so
(07:41):
much and I have your weed, thank you so much.
Who I thought we had a friend deal here. Uh oh,
we're friends and that's the deal is that we're friends. Look,
I got a guy down the block I can get
it from for twenty bucks. I can't hear that. I
can't hear that. That's illegal. High There were other people
in here drink and we were ahead of you. But
(08:03):
go ahead, go ahead, geez, so I can get it
for twenty bucks down the block, all right. They were
trying to charge you with eight hundred dollars, man for
what for? We we met all these little Cheeto gummies
and whatnot. It's like cereal and man Ohio has changed
(08:28):
it really have Man, it ain't. It ain't the America
once new. It ain't America. We knew, No guys, you
gotta you got a double sidebuck for me? Man, say again,
you got a double sidebuck for me? I got a
double sidebuck? Alright, so you know a ten dollar bill
as a sawbuck. Can you come into the kitchen for
(08:50):
just seconds? Can you come into the kitchen. I'm busy
doing bonghads, No, no, com come in the kitchen real quick. Okay,
my woman wants me to go on the kitchen. Oh man,
I know that you want me just hanging here in
the basement for a little bit. Yeah, you still owe
me twenty bucks on Hey, come on, man, you know
I got them saw sucks. Hey. I heard him staying,
(09:12):
they're charging eight hundred dollars over at the shop. Any
right that you should be charging something competitive? I thought
we were going to try to make this a competitive business.
Do you want me to charging about something more expensive
than two side bucks? Go down there and get it.
I don't know, give five side bucks. Look, I've got
my clientele that I've had for years, and they expect service.
(09:38):
I'm just saying, there's the cost of livings going up
in the cost of your side bucks. Ain't okay? This
is my clients, ole, my friends, people I do bum
hits with, and people who paid twenty dollars less from pot.
We're trying to raise a family. You go down there
and you get a couple more bucks on the side.
Where are the kids anyway? Being in a table of this?
(10:01):
How town? You are? My ankle raised myself daddy. Listen,
you shouldn't be under the table. It's dangerous. There could
be knives falling off the table. You got all the knives,
I know where all the nis. So I'm stuck in
the fridge again. I'm stuck in here. Okay, you get
your sister out of the fridge and you guys go upstairs.
I like it in here. It's like air conditioning. I
like it under table just fine. I'm looking at Chell's ankles. Okay, look,
(10:26):
I'll tell you what. I'm gonna go undercover into that fancy,
high fluting medical marijuana plays and see how they can
get away with charging eight bucks for that. Sounds like
a good idea, Eddie, that's really fun. What kind of
costume you don't wear? I don't know what kind of
costumes you got. How do we treat I got a
trench coat, okay, I wear a trench coe. What do
you get? I got the tape cloth and these knives.
(10:47):
I guess I also got a dog. Use a dog?
It can go a dog in a trench coat. You
can put the dog in a trench That's a good idea.
That's what I'm gonna do, and put the dog in
a turns tru can I have five saw bucks, five socks.
Let me see how much that it's fifty bucks? What
do you need fifty bucks for a girl? I didn't
know find out how much you saw about was worth it?
(11:09):
Now I guess I know? All right? Now you know? Well,
I hope you don't just go without getting your friend
from downstairs. Who's doing all those you're still down there? Hey,
I don't think it's a big deal, Danny, Oh god,
hey Fred, you still? Holy ship? Oh God, holy ship,
you man, you're paring a home. Man. I freaked out. Man,
(11:31):
I did a whole bunch of drugs and you were gone. Man,
oh my god, tell him what you saw? What you saw? Hey, look, man,
I've been destined for something, my man. I gotta go
do something. Hey look, man, I gotta collect all the
city's teeth and I gotta grind them all up, and
I gotta make this effort. You need tooth dust. Look, man,
(11:54):
I gotta put the tooth dust. And everyone's medley button.
You can get five hours in the boxes? What do
you get the box? My end, not the boxed in
the box, not the boo box. No, no, calm down,
look at out of here. We'll get the teeth Danny,
I got some teeth your freak and hands. They're under
(12:14):
my pillow. What are you doing in the boot box?
All kinds of places. Get okay, honey, you get out
of there. I've got so many teeth. It's like I'm
gonna crack the door to the boot box and honey,
you're gonna ruin out and make sure that Fred stays
(12:35):
in there all right? Okay, children have two sets of
teeth in their head. Do you need some of my teeth? Friends? No? No,
don't get her teeth to share my teeth. If you
want some messed up right now, he's going to grind
your teeth and snort them. Okay, cartoon character so big
(12:57):
you want my teeth but will never be he's here,
then that's so chief. There's just been no crime since
marijuana has become legalized medically. And I don't know what
you want me to do bust people from nothing. We
just got a big crime. And guys, what you get?
Teeth are missing all over the city that we just
got a big crime in y'all them we don't we know?
(13:24):
Could you know? I found out first? Then Rance came
in and tried to steal my thunder you're coming in
with a bloody mouth. We know someone's taking teeth. Some
tweakers hit me in the mouth. I'm two years old.
Describe them? Okay, wait wait wait wait, gave him a
(13:46):
cup to catch the blood. Wait wait wait, you don't
need to doodle right now. He's gonna describe them. I
gotta draw them. You're not a good artist, don't. Yes, no,
you're not. If you're believe in yourself, anything as possible.
That's not true. Everything you look like a stickman? Is
that true? Please? Let this man describe his singing, by
(14:06):
the way rants. Yes, if you follow your dreams, thank you, absolutely,
thank you. That's sexist. They were wearing a trench coat
and they put several knives on me, and they said
burk burk, burk, burk, burk burk. Them were there? There
were at least one. I just want to just point
something out. Is it possible that they weren't saying bark
(14:28):
it it was the sound of a bark. That's impossible,
it's possible. How could that be possible? You need a
you need a real dog to pull off something like that. Perhaps,
but we don't know what we're dealing with. Dogs can't
wear trench coat. That's been proven. That has been proven.
You know what about this at the dog in a
trench a stickman? It might have been a dog in
(14:49):
a trench coat. You didn't have low hanging balls like that.
They weren't there. Are you sure? Because I mean I
think I did. And the covered the trade by the
amount of praise you're getting right now, don't push back, Laura,
I'm out the side with you. Thank you for one. Yeah,
what I was saying about the dreams? Do you want
to forget those? Those balls are an abomination in terms
(15:11):
of dog But now, sir, if we can get back
to you for a second, So it was just the
dog or whatever the small creature was barking at in
the trench coat, But how would that result in you
losing your teeth? And wrap me up in a in
a tablecloth and nimes of me and then they wracked
my face with a sledge hammer until all the teeth
(15:32):
were gone. So you'd like us to believe there's a
sledgehammer wheedling canine. Look all, speaking of canines that want
my teeth back? What about the strawnt? What is that
looks like a balloon? Dog? Enough time to do everything correct,
But does that look anything like you saw? Just if
(15:53):
you want to be an artist, leave, yeah, well that's great. Also,
don't make this moment about you, right me. It's because
what we still don't know is how can a dog
hold a thing? So it's not your question. You just
drew a balloon dog, that's my question. Is that what
you saw? What did you about thumb? I've seen a
(16:14):
dog with thumbs before. It is rare, but I've seen it, well,
not human thumbs. There's still dog thumbs, but it's a
thumb nonetheless, on the bottom of the dog's foot. Where
did you see this, Delaney? It was at a pound.
It was disgusting, really, Fred Okay, so my dog eat
call here. He brought all the teeth that you wanted.
(16:37):
It is for you, Fred, I gotta get a blender.
You did a good jack cow, good jack Bunny. Get
a blender in the boot bogs. Is there a long
extension cord you can bring in here? Of course? Always? Okay,
I just got blend of these teeth. Okay, So how
many sawbucks did I get for that? All the subs? Remember?
(17:00):
But how many? Exactly? How many are that's a stupid question, question,
here's a dollar in the boot box. Okay, you're coming
down yet, it's been two days. How many drugs did
you do? I found some more? Oh no, indeed, well
(17:22):
we ever get out of the was it bombox? You
didn't have a blue box when you grew up? How
are you spelling boob? My mistake? Why why was the
box called the boo box? You're seeing the hook Yep,
that's and they put they dropped the scorpions. Yeah, I
don't think it's who is someone? There was an actress
(17:43):
who was like I think that you remember this film? Well, so, well,
it's a beautiful movie. It's a great film. It holds
up practical effects. You're not talking about the one with
Dustin Hoff. Yes, yeah, you're saying that was a great film.
I think it's maybe the best film. We watched it
(18:04):
last month, and it's that's fair. That's fair. You're doing it, Peter, Yeah,
it really does. It's not a musical. It must be
a generational thing. The old guy doesn't get it. R
Number twos from Andrew who wrote Light Everyone. I have
(18:27):
an idea for us. Sketch. Well, we don't really do
sketches that I hope you love world. I hope you lovely,
funny talented people. You guys can decide who is lovely,
who is funny, and who's talented? Will like enough to
bring to life into it? Really isn't There's there's six
of us, including Chris, our engineer for the day. Just
(18:48):
to show a hands who Mrs Doug Band Okay, I
didn't see any hands. The idea is that the semi
final of a bowling tournament, one team is made up
of the local police, the other team of local crime family.
Yours Andrew from Manchester, United Kingdom. Thank you Andrew. Want
(19:11):
and a half? Okay, um, I only have a twelve
or thirteen and a half? Let me ask you a question, Timmy,
is it? Uh? Huh? Where do you live? To me?
I live on nineteen nineteen Crescent Boulevard? Follow up if
I may? Do you like your family? Yes? Give me
a twelve and a half. You better give him. You
better hurry up, and you better hurry up with mine
to thirteen. I don't want it twelve. Can she stop
(19:34):
spraying hair spray? It's not until I get my shoes,
all right. I crushed out of the house tonight so
I can give you know in process right now? All right,
I can I mean, I only have done talking to
him and go get the This is not seems like
you don't have to say another words. Wait, I appreciate
the effort. Get the shoes, all right, show him picture
(19:58):
of his family so he has something to with him. Okay,
here's a picture of your family, picture of my family?
All right, let me see you. Do you want to
see him again? Do you want to see him again
the picture of my family? Yes? Sure? Is that what
you meant? Speethot it? Did you mean like, want you
want to see your actual family again? He'll kill him,
(20:19):
You'll kill my family. I'm so glad that was clear.
I didn't know that. Yeah, excuse me, sir, you were
threatening this this bowling employee. Pardon mayor mally. Yeah, I'm
just letting him know that I need a twelve and
a half. If you don't happen to have that on
you do your flat foot. No, I don't bring shoes
for my opponents during the bowling tournament, the professional Bowlingly
(20:41):
you don't have your own shoes. You brought the laptop
that I'm the bestest team scot. Yeah, that's exciting for you.
I don't need a twelve and a half. Alright, you
guys are so great for you to show up every week. Well, listen,
the finals of the tournament. We're not going to drop
out now, it's the semifinals. We're going to No, no,
(21:03):
he was right for you, guys. It's the final. Oh
I said, I said, we're gonna kill you, right. Yeah,
maybe not not in the exact way. I don't know
if this is okay? Is that a rightful to say that? Man,
you're not so much not okay? Sorry, you want to
(21:24):
keep your girl in line, Jimmy two strikes. Hey, I'm
in line to get my shoes. That's right, baby. You
tell them, uh, twelve and a half? So away they
came from the back, all right, what lane wood lane?
I have you? I have you on seven and have
you on eight. Okay, so we'll take seven and they'll
(21:44):
take eight. Okay, a seven and a half. It's the
petite foot. Hello, you are so tall, big lighted little
FEEI that's around the calling. It is which team you
play it for in the middle, because you wish one,
(22:10):
please let me play with it. Either of you can
absolutely look at it for him for both sides. So
technically you're eligible for either team. That's what I'm saying,
And I just wish I would get picked. Here I
am with my buffalo things. What was your name again,
Dar Darson? You can play, you can roll in our team,
(22:34):
but I'm gonna need to know how to spell that
dom Tarson spell like person but with the different letters
at the front. Oh, the conventional spell ye Tarson taran alright,
so I'll know what I'm wearing. A skirt roped underplants,
(22:54):
have extra end the pants in my persian extra. You
could throw the cups off the game a little. You're
not allowed to bring in outside wings to the pulling
from outside. How many well I saw you walk in
to get your checked. Bitch, Timmy, I'm gonna need to
(23:15):
I'm gonna need you to see a little less, all right.
I just she's not allowed to happen. What are you
looking at? No Pennylon, Jesus, please please stop this disgusting.
I'm not doing anything. You're doing everything. I just shoot that.
I don't aren't you calm down? Getting to calm down, Copper.
(23:46):
All I know is your name is Jimmy. Two strikes
because you never got a turkey before. That's right, son? Wow? Great? Okay,
So all the teams are here, good, good. I'm not
gonna be applying for the bad guy. Okay, it's it's
it's doubles only, so I don't know if that's gonna
be okay. I thought it was a pretty desperate move
for them to pick up another players. I'm happy, but
(24:09):
you say it's a little late in the game to
pick up another player. I guess what. I don't even
want to be here, love, I'll just dropped something. Let
me pick it up. Oh wow, you're getting buffalo. Just
be a cheerlater. That's what I was in hospital in
(24:30):
college anyway. What's college? What colleld you go to? You know?
You shut up? Okay, great? Uh so we we have
the two teams and you're all lanes are set up,
and it's going to lucky seven, Lucky seven seven. Oh yeah,
you're gonna leave that seven. Been dangling all game. I'm
(24:52):
gonna dangle your face in about nine seconds. Chief, all right,
it's just just a game of bling, alright, So let's
just who's your name? Patterson? Patterson of this table. It's
never just a game of bowling. Never, So you know. Also,
I have pictures of your family, which is my family. Yeah,
(25:15):
she does. Patterson, you're a scorekeeper, right, yes, I am,
all right, we'll keep us in mind. Actually everything's computerized.
You don't actually need to many a scorekeeper anymore. But
I guess I'll go home. No, no, no, Patterson, you
know you should be here. So everything's ony wants to
cheat computerized? What are you talking about? I mean that's
(25:37):
what those monitors are up there, right, Nope, and then
there's a little animated thing that shows you which direction
to roll it. I totally agree. We need a referee.
You're saying, we roll the ball and then the computer
figures out how many pins we get. Yeah, it's it's right.
I thought that was a TV show. Yeah, which TV show?
(25:58):
You thinking of the Turkey Bowler? So there's so many channels. Now, okay,
so you're coming today to read for the part of
Larry Turkey. All right, So do you have any questions
about the material or do you want to just jump?
(26:18):
It's pretty straightforward. It certainly is. What was your name again,
Larry Turkey? Oh? I like your style? All right, Larry,
when you're ready, Um, Sheila is going to read with you. Okay,
I will read with you. So we're gonna start on
page four. I hope what network is this for? CVS?
CVS uh, yes, it's a new streaming service, all right. Yeah,
(26:43):
so is this gonna play like on the automated monitors
when you're checking out, you get CVS at all. Yeah, yeah,
well I get CVS ATT. Yes, that's the channel that
keeps printing out the really long receipt exactly. Yes, all right, okay, alright,
starting on page four when you're ready, Hey, Larry Turkey's back.
(27:05):
Gonna stop you? Yes, too much of a voice. No,
I was gonna say a little more to what you're doing. Yeah,
we we gotta, we need energy. We need to hear you,
and we need to hear you. Yes, okay, I am
wired for sound, right, um, okay, I mean for my
(27:26):
own personal use. Yeah, of course we're not recording this,
but we need to hear you. But we need to
hear you when you're ready. On page for Hey, Litterary
Turkey's here, super hungry, yep, super hungry. First authentic CBS
(27:47):
Buffalo Wings. Sorry if I got big in um, there's
not a laugh right there when you laughed? Is this
a comedy. We don't why don't want to drag the
audience by the no was I felt like Larry Turkey
would in that moment. Well, I'll tell you what, if
(28:09):
we could just stick to the writing script, that would
really be helpful. I'm uncomfortable with all the product placement. Yes,
thank you, Sheila. Alright, throw it away if we're going
to give you a note to be thrown away, Okay,
so big and throw it away? All right? Hey, Larry
(28:34):
Turkeys here, yep, hungry for some of those authentic CBS
Buffalo wings. Check? Yeah, the check? Yeah, I remember when
I picked up the check after my bowling tournament loss.
(28:59):
Hopefully I will be able to bowl that perfect three
game one day. Or my name isn't Larry Turkey shop
at CVS. Look, I represent mothers against Larry the Turkey. Okay,
that show is so offensive, so disrespectful. It's it's it's
it's just corrupting our children. And I don't like that. Okay.
I live in Ohio, right, But do you shop at CVS.
(29:22):
I've shot there, Yes they have. Do you have a
CVS card? Yes, I have a CVS card. Well, it
sounds like you're a fan there's the guy right there,
There is the guy right there, there's that sicko, there's
that Larry the Turkey sick Are you gonna do that sign?
Excuse me? I'm an actor. Oh yeah, yes, I realized
that I play a character was a bit of an
(29:42):
anti hero named Larry Turkey, not Larry the Turkey, whatever, whatever,
whatever it's called. Well, just thank you for watching the
show though. How many episodes have you seen? Too many?
Thank you very much? Or you don't have to watch?
Oh don't I My kids watch. All around the school.
Every wants to Larry, Larry the Turk lego set, Larry
the Turkey dinner set, and your first and last name.
(30:06):
That's your business, okay, fair, but there's no the between
your first and last name. Refany squircil. Okay, so it's
not Tiffany the squircial. No it's not. Okay, So the
same thing, Larry Turkey. Excuse me, I'm here to buy razors.
Can you unlock the razors? Look at this? So he
just gets whatever he wants whenever he wants it. Well,
he's a customer. Oh is he Verry Turkey? Oh my god,
(30:30):
Oh my god, I've got to buy pins so you
can sign me Larry Turkeys here have you? Who are you?
Did you see this? You know I know who he is.
He's he's a problem because he's offensive. What he does?
Which episode? All of them? I didn't think so, oh yeah, sure?
What do you think he's offensive about it? It's a turkey.
(30:52):
Be specific, it's a Turkey's a man. It's Larry the Turkey. No,
it's Larry Turkey. It's an Arry Turkey. You've seen the show.
It's Larry. It's a t he's a bowlder. Turkey is
a bowling term for three strikes in a row. I
think that's pretty common novel. I think it's he's a
bowler frequent cvs. Oh my god, is it not? Man?
Please just admit you've never seen the show. I have
(31:13):
seen the show, right, I have seen it. How does
it open? Every episode opens in the same way? Just
give me the opening. I could tell you, well, I know,
I'm good, but I won't. Okay, thank you. It opens
with the show. If there's credits and she's surrounding, there's
so hot in here. I've been winning a car for you.
(31:35):
What are you gonna be doing? Oh my god, is
that Larry turkey, Turkey, turkeys, turkey. I loved friend. Get mom,
shut up, shut up, bomb the kids all right, And
he is Larry Turkey. I'm freaking out to will you?
(31:55):
Will you sign me? Oh my gosh, I have to
buy pins. I let him sign. You have t sound
to me, shook my hand. He would be my blood brother. Sure, sure,
I have a nice we go, A little slice on
a kid and more a slice than you needed to Donna.
(32:16):
Slice of turkey there. Oh my god, I love you.
I love you so much. I'm talking to you mom,
talking to Larry about with that. Okay, I'll be an
all for chief. I think they're cheating on this game.
I mean we should be. They're definitely cheating. There's no
(32:38):
way we should be trailing by this. You should do something.
You should do something. You can't just let them cheat, cheef.
I thought it was all computerized. You like damp pins
in the score comes like we could control anything, sistern,
Look can I see your balls? Say again? Can I
(33:01):
check your balls? Let me feel your balls come out?
Come out holdings around here? Who checks balls? Thanks Patterson?
They're doing somebody at their balls. They're not waiting. I'll
check the balls. I'll check the balls. We're not allowed
to have our own balls personally, of course, a little
finger with that. Again, they're covered in barbecue sauce, covered
(33:26):
in that's a little skin condition. That's oh my god. Strike,
I got what can I say? What is your computer? Shake?
The computer says X like it's a straight exactly, and
(33:48):
look at the graphic design when it tells us it's
a strike. It's pretty good. But look, everyone remembers that
episode of Larry Turkey right where hackers got into the
bowling computer system right and and changed it to knock
down more pens. That's what's happening to the sanitizer and
sanitazer from sleeving yes to clean the prince of the ball.
(34:11):
That's the one. That's the one. It's a pretty memorable episode.
Strike pattersond make a stop bulling Turkey. You guys are
talking so much. You should be playing. Yeah, I mean
you are talking about captain Okay, shoes on time? Look
at that? Okay, all right, concentrate, concentrate on Melly. Everything's
(34:38):
writing on this, everything's right on this. What what Larry
Turkey do? Bom god r bom birder. It's swerving it's
swerving right. It's swerving right. It's swerving left. It's swerving left.
(35:00):
It's going up. It's going up. Straw strike you can
strikes good. He's lucky, very okay's having a stroke. Strong.
I trying to tell you strong, strong company. Right now,
(35:24):
we getting into the medical American. That's the answer, Patterson. Okay,
Well that's all I got if you don't want to
lose one medical. I don't know somebody here's medical? Does
anybody have medical? Mari wan on him in this place?
Hate the same him drop Turkey guys, Oh my gosh, hello,
what do you some cho gummies or that till they
(35:49):
take about two hours to take a back stroke right now?
Do you want me to call your family because I
have all their numbers? Yeah, not just the pictures. Yeah,
it's like a real life episode of Larry Turkey. Yeah,
(36:11):
that's a quick question. I know it's not a great time.
About the Cheeto gummy? Does that mean it's gummies that
tastes like cheetos? Yep? Really? Yea, So the gummies could
be any flavor and you chose Cheetos. I'm not I'm
not a big cheeto so but yeah, when I say you.
I mean the Royal one one could choose, yes, one
(36:32):
could you? Actually, I think that's the only flavor available
at the moment. Turkey album Larry. It's just Larry Turkey. Okay, right, right, right, okay, okay, pal,
I need you to open up wide, open up, stroll.
(36:54):
You're buying my finger. Yeah. Oh oh no, it looks
like the buffalo s that's not that's not that's a
skin condition. That's a that's a layer's skin. That's a
layer of wet, loose skin. Man. That's fine, it's fine.
(37:16):
I don't know what it smells like. Sauce. It's fine
to carome out. It's not your Carol out Compkin Tompkins, Tompkins.
I think this is it for me. No, you seem
to be getting better strokes going away. It's just a
temporary reprieve. Look, I want you. I want you to
(37:37):
arrest Jimmy. Two strikes him. Runt you and arrest him.
Tersen has been undercover for Rest the whole time. I
didn't know hair would grow there. I had a badge on. Alright,
Jimmy's two strikes, You're under arrest. Shot the charges, quick shell,
(38:05):
bullet stroke cheat and bullet stroke. All right, they got
me Drake. Oh look at that's a turkey. I've been
wearing a wire, remember, And while you're contemplating where Terson
might have plugged in her wire. That's the end of
(38:27):
this particular comes from Alyssa, who wrote, Hello, giggle Gang.
That's a nice name for us. It's happy trademark, trademark,
pink ladies, jackets. We have like violent turf warce Alyssa
(38:51):
goes on strangely. I love your podcast and have been
a devoted listener since the start. Every morning I hear
birds tripping outside my window and thought of a scene
a serious group of birdwatchers and a redneck group of
birdwatchers bird hunters clash in the Ozarks while trying to
spot a super rare type of finch. It's always a finch, right,
(39:11):
that are super rare before they fly west for the winter.
I'm assuming that means the finch, not the bird. No
parameters on flies, uh, Each and every one of you
bring brightness to my day. I want to thank you
for the extra dose of laughter in these dark times. Sorry,
especially love Vanessa's billy hobo monster man voice. Wow, what
(39:35):
a description. Keep up the amazing work. A lista thank you, Alyssa,
were taken out of the ozarks. Just quietly quiet we
know to be quiet quiet, red throat and war blood.
Never get it down. I won't take a picture of it.
(39:56):
Hold on, I want to take picture of your sound
off all this time you use your camera. Your sound
is okay, I'm turning my sound off, thank you. I apologize,
I'm turning down. It's really beautiful. The sound of that
isn't it really? It makes me feel all fuzzy and
warm and a little, you know, excited. Yeah, it's excited
(40:19):
to see those animals on the wild. I meant like passionate. Yeah,
I love I'm passionate about me. I mean like corny.
It makes a little horny. Alright, okay, anyone morning and
anyone horny. I could go either way, anyone knows. I mean,
oh that the horny story story gorgeous. It's distinctive call
(40:45):
of fuck me? Oh sorry, what was that? Did you say?
Fuck me? It does sound like saying that it is.
It can be saying that it's a bird. That's what
it's saying. It's saying it first. That's the horny stark.
I know. I can't do here. I've never I've never noticed.
(41:07):
Is your sound on your camera? Is your sound on?
I turned it off a second? Turn your sound off
your camera? That finch gorgeous? Do you think that horny
stalk and the finch might be talking to each other?
They're listening to share the same air. Beautiful, Oh my god, beautiful?
Thank you over here, Joe a nice? Oh hey, look
(41:31):
are you frightened them? Dirty people? Frightened the birds? People? People?
You dandies want us to believe you had a finch
in here? Who's who's the dandy? Well, you're all wearing randy,
But now I'm not. It's for me. Look at that
(41:52):
h just like that hot and cold. Excuse me, so
I'm not wearing a scarf from wearing an ascot, my mistake.
You're protected wetlands, and they certainly are. We're here to
protect him. Show them your guns. Oh my god, we're
gonna die. We didn't come to hunt idiots. We're looking
for bird cooking away our fifteen right here. That's how
(42:14):
you shoot fully automatic. You guys should be wearing something orange.
At least you can't get a orange and get an
orange vastnet. We don't need that. Okay, we're coming with
a group where the bird watching group are trying to
disappear into nature and not stand out exactly. We like
to take notes exactly. That's how you get shot when
you disappear into nature. And you're telling me, sir, that
(42:36):
you're here to dispose of these beautiful greaches. I don't
know dispose it going to dispose of them. We're gonna
keep them landing. Come on now, can't keep them off
trap free things. You can kill them and then put
their heads on steps. Oh, come on, come now please,
that's that's very upsetting. From the city. Yes, we are
(42:56):
you all from the city. You'll get out of your
Yes we did. We have several limousines. The fun yourself
over there. Good tried this morning, and that's why I'm here. Okay. Yes,
we're from the big city closest by here in the Ozarks,
which of course it is Little Rock. Yes, we're all
(43:21):
the feet snobs from Little Rock, Little Rockead, Holy Litle Rock.
Rock to rock like you almost got that horny stork
I wish I had. Yeah, you got it? Really? What
(43:42):
looked through the ashole there? I guess when I get
in the mood, I just kind of want to pull trigger,
and someone happened. I appreciate that. Rat. Look if you
would if you were to shoot a horny stork. A
horny stork has very specific conditions under which it will
reproduce right all day. It's very particular. Let's name the
(44:04):
first seven. Okay, One, it needs complete silence, right Two?
If he needs a bird of the opposite sex, The
opposite what do you mean? Means that if it's gonna make,
it's got to have the opposite sex. So it would
be females. It would be up inside it, Yeah, be
(44:26):
upside down if it was opposite. That birds ain't got
males and females and the walking on the sky and
flying in the ground. That's poetic as hell. That's opposite.
That is pretty poetic. But I'm pretty sure that there
are such things as boy and girl birds. It's not
worms you're talking about here. Three three moss underfoot. They
(44:47):
need moss under number three. Right. Four. They will begin
slowly whispering their bird call and then gradually accelerating in
Christianda wing say louder and louder, Carl, Jeff, you're writing down,
yea professor I'm sorry to catch you after hours. I
(45:09):
was just finishing your book on the mating rituals of
the of the Horned Um, of the of the of
the Horny the horny Stork, and uh, I just wanted
to say that your research is amazing and as someone
who grew up in the city and didn't have as
much experience with nature, it's just fantastic. In a little round,
(45:31):
I did wonderful. Yeah. My dad, he runs the sock factory,
so I was I was just always around. Is everything okay?
And you we're gonna be mopping the floors really soon? Um.
The janitors always can't wait for me to vacate my classroom. Yeah,
we can go to the hallway. You can use the
janitor's closet. If this conversation, I can stay in my classroom.
(45:55):
Oh can you. I'll just be prepared for some gritty
floors tomorrow. Have they left yet? They haven't left here?
Oh my god, I can't wait till I leave. I
can't wait. We'll do in that classroom, so many cart wheels.
Even the custodians a snotty here and at the University
of Arkansas, a little rock, yes, sir um, but I
(46:15):
just get you a point. Um, I was wondering. I'm well,
in your book there was some personal passages about meeting
locals and interacting and all that. And I don't know
if you have any more field trips, if that's threaten
for it to planned. But I would love to go
out and we're gonna go into the field with me.
(46:37):
You want to see a horny stalk, mate, don't you? Okay?
Are you? Are you getting turned on right now? I
mean I could go either way. Okay, No, the way
to go is to not get turned on. Are you
turned up? No? No, I'm clinical. I'm a scientist, all
right to Our job is to observe while remain impartial.
(47:02):
What there's a Horney story righting on campus. Oh my god,
looks like we don't need to do a field trip
at all. My nibbles are rock hardest stop that. There's
no need for that. They do turn down the the
a C in the classroom quite low. This exciety service
is exety. It's right here in the building. It's going
down the hallway. Oh my gosh, I take my shoes off. Okay,
(47:27):
look at the Costonio staff. Do not intervene, But I
want to touch it it. No, please, I'm afraid it's
gonna slip on the floors. I just mought the hall
step away from the bed. I think it's talking to me.
There are seven conditions. Seven is the moss under there's
(47:49):
clearly not moss. Undefeat in my shoes. No, it's definitely
calling out to me. Each Where should I put my shirt?
Where should I put my leave his shirt on? What
are you doing? Nipples? Rock are right now? Look the
horny The horny stork will only will only mate with
(48:10):
one of its own kind, the of the opposite sex.
Be any of us. No, it's not none of us.
We're not birds. Your research didn't say that. It imply
there was open ended we we evolved from birds, sir.
Oh god, another stork. Oh oh the rivals. Okay, it's territory, sir.
(48:36):
They're both male, both male. They're telling us to take
our clothes off. That it's not human speech. It's a
bird call mate. Alright. She's not get saying fuck mate.
He's saying fuck me. And I got these dusters on.
(48:59):
Look like a bird. Well, look like a bird. Actually,
do you look like a bird? Mate? Is what you
yell when you win a game of chess. Okay, mate,
that might be that might be the club, that might
be the club. I'm not sure that is chess club
(49:21):
as opposed to the chess club, which is two different clubs.
They're not into it at all. No, no, no, this
road road. All right. We should definitely listen to this bird.
As much as it may sound like human speech, it
is not. It is, professor, Please open your eyes. We
might be at a moment of evolution here. And what
(49:43):
if your speech is not human speech but their speech
is human speech? Okay, okay, look, I need to get
this on film. I need to get this on film.
Take off your clothes. Do you mean to dance in
front of the camera. No, sorry, look I'm just trying.
You had to get out of the classroom. Hey, fine,
(50:05):
you need to isolate the two birds, these two feather
dusters me fuck me? All right? Fine, if you want
to started orgy with these two birds, then up to
(50:27):
recipient of the Noble Bird Prize, let's Professor Sinn from
Little Rock augurs on. It's such an honor to win
a Noble Bird Prize. My heart was set on the
Nobel Prize, but I was at open the Noble bird. Look,
(50:50):
don't disparage the award. When a series of students, custodial staff,
random passers by, and fuck chess players had an orgy
with two storks in the hallway of the University of Arkansas,
Little Rock, I knew it was an unusual set of service.
(51:12):
What wait, we're having an awards ceremony in here? Are
you idiot? Get out of here? All right? Where was I?
It was a weird day. I didn't say it was
a weird you're paraphrase right now? Yes, I look, I
(51:35):
get nervous when I have to speak in public. So
I did a whole bunch of Cheeto gummies. Okay, I
know that they're not legal yet in Arkansas, but I
went on a trip to Ohio and got a bunch
of Cheeto gummies. Doesn't make it legal, all right, Yeah,
you're right, it doesn't make it legal. But when when
(51:58):
you need to do a citizen's arrest, dude, hold hold
my mouth, barbercue barbecu? What is that? Oh god? Alright,
next case looks to be the people, Little Rock versus professor.
(52:22):
Am I pronouncing this correctly? I don't know? All right?
Sybury sank Bayliff. Uh, sir, you've been brought up on
charges of illegal marijuana on your person and for consumption,
not sales. So that's helpful to you. But good people
would also like to add a charge. Is it too late,
(52:46):
I'm gonna say no. Let's hear it. Um we think
he f you s k E D A bird based
realities a federal offense in Arkansas. I would never We
have an audio recording of the bird and you yelling
back and forth sex talk. Let's play that now for
the people. Fuck me, fuck me me, suck me, fuck me,
(53:09):
fuck me. That's enough, thank you. It's I was doing
a bird call. That's a bird call. I was summoning
a store that was phone sex with a bird that
was not on the phone lines of Ohio. Alright, if
I could just have the stenographer read that back, please
fuck me, fuck me, fuck me. There's no nuance there.
Oh well, I'm sorry. I'm no actor, all right, I'm
(53:32):
just a I make minimum wage. I'm no dext de ended.
You know that's nearly I am merely a professor of
Avian studies. Bring Larry Turkey into this courtroom. Might understan
you're pleading innocent today, sir, Yes, possession of marijuana and
(53:52):
also the bird phone sex. Right, we'll get to that
second charge momentarily. So you had marijuana on your person
when you were wrestled to the ground. Apparently you announced
to a room of witnesses that you had consumed. And
I have a lawyer. Is wait, is this some kind
(54:15):
of sham? Try? What is this order in the court? Please?
Will we help your son? Yeah? Sorry, I'm yes, sorry,
I'm looking for Oh yeah, this is my guy. I am.
I am the prosecute. I'm I'm helping him. Are you
I need a defense lawyer? Public? Yes? A sign? Yes,
the public you were my lawyer. I've got all these teeth.
(54:38):
I got to get ride off steel. I'm gonna work
on there. Give me a second. Okay, your client is
the plea of innis, and I'll decide if he's my client.
A thumbs up. Okay, So my client is let's see here, Okay,
he is me and my dog. Remember bird got all
(55:01):
these teeth here? Okay, okay, so he has all these teeth?
Is that correct? No? No, that's not me. The cases
mixed up. Um uh. We'll continue and then I'll jump
in as as go for it. Look, yes, sir, I
I filmed on my iPhone a man bird orgy. What
(55:23):
that that? I don't say it like you're my lawyer. Look,
that was was viewed as a scientific breakthrough. I want
a noble bird produce objection. Are the people allowed to object? Sure? Um,
I don't know. It helps if you have a reason
for your objection. I felt like I did. Can we
(55:45):
give her a second? You don't have to, It's all right.
I don't want Dan, if you're going for thirty seven
cases in a row of being held in contempt your
mudy clothes. Yes, I mean I was going to say
something about, like, you know, him calling it science, but
it's it's still it's still perverted. Yeah, it's perverted. It's
a perverted science. Yeah, he is a pervert. So you
(56:09):
say there's a Noble Bird Prize, Yes, and you were recipient? Yes,
because I documented this event. It's event involving birds and people. Yes. Right,
So you understand beast reality is illegal. I do not
participate in. It's a federal crime in the state. Why
are you saying that, Thanks, Dan, You're welcome to take
a seat. Uh so that charge aside. Uh, you're pleading
(56:35):
innocent to possession of marijuana and yet it was found
on your person? How do you explain that? Is that true?
Don't don't grill me. Okay, look all right, fine, I'll
plead no contest to the marijuana charges. Excellent, read that
back if you would please? Um? What was that? It
(56:56):
was really quick? Would you would not have heard that?
It's really quick? Fun? I could see no better way
to wrap up this particular episode. This what a wild
bird cage we have assembled for you. We have a
guest engineer that I'd like to thank at the top,
(57:17):
but I'm gonna need some help with some guesses on
his last name. His first name is Chris. This gentleman
was coughed up by our very own doug Bane and
we're very grateful for Chris to be here. But here's
how the last name is spelled. And for Carla and
Craig or just back from Poland, perhaps you could lend
some insight. Spelled capitalist z c Z E c H.
(57:44):
Let's go with Carla for the wind check Chris check okay,
Church it okay, Jimmy James. I was gonna say scissors still,
but I think that sounds pronounced Okay, I'm gonna suggest
Miller as the way it's it's translated. That's right. Yeah, Joe,
(58:06):
did you have a say? Okay? Uh, Chris, you want
to get close to this microphone? Or an exact pronunciation
of your lass other full name, Chriss. Where did the
peak come from? The same way that koski? You're drinking
of sissi? You're gonna it's the cerillicp of it. Let's
(58:30):
thank our alchemists, Garlic Kakowski. First of all, thank you
for coming back to the United States of America from Poland.
Thanks for having me Kevin. Yeah, always appreciate having you
joined the team. Venete Uh listen, Uh, since it's a
(58:51):
moment by moment, day by day's situation. Uh, we were
we're all very very excited. Uh and and look forward
to the extraordinary moment in the meantime. How you doing,
because it's just great. This is the you can see
(59:11):
the home stretch of incubating a humane and trying to
be grateful for that. And um, you're still glowing. I'm
still looking spectacular. Oh no, just perspiration. But everything's good. Okay,
I'm a happy person. Okay. Good Uh. And Craig you
(59:32):
too are in the closing closing moments of I'm also
incubating a human. I'm hoping to release him. You need
to get to the crapper. Is that what you're saying. Well,
he's a fella, Jimmy James. Uh, well, it's been wonderful
(59:52):
here And if you haven't seen Sama Paints amazing, we
should give this ridiculous shout out to Uh is it
Sama dot pain period paints on Instagram? It's the best
I can m a Sama dot paint, Yeah paint. Uh
they it's Spencer Spencer. His name is Spencer. Okay, So
(01:00:15):
Spencer has created these uh amazing animation animation versions of
scenes from the podcast moments. They're about a minute long.
It seems like there's three of them, and um, have
we posted them yet to our site? Yeah? I think so.
I Instagram, No, I don't know. They're on they're on
his and that we've we've shared it. They're on some
(01:00:36):
of our pages and all that, but it's definitely on.
We'll make sure it's on ours. But check out Sama
dot paint and thank you for sharing your talents and
making us it's fun. Yeah, it's amazing. Description and they're
not yet on the Alchemy. Okay, good, Vanessa's check and
we're gonna make damn sure. Joey, how will you leave
us this show? I'm gonna leave you all with a
(01:00:58):
little bit of wisdom. Ok Wait, wait for it, and
just go out there whatever you're doing, and just remember
that there that that in in whatever we do, in
anything you're doing. It doesn't matter when we're out there
doing it. Just remember you're you're doing in that. Remember
(01:01:22):
remember you're doing it. Remember you're doing it. Thank you
all right, well, thank you to Chris again and uh
Raphael b sound design engineer. I heart Media, and thanks
Sophie Lichtiman our producer, and thanks to all of you
continue to write to us. I love your emails and
(01:01:42):
you're scene suggestions. Your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at Alchemy this dot com. I'm
Kevin Pollock and on behalf of everyone in the room
and a football pepper and a football pl
Welcome back to another episode. Oh Alchemy, this, I'm your host.
Kevin Poul Like, guess that? Kevin Poul, Like, what's that?
Did you say? Pizza? Sure? I can help you. Move
on Saturday? What time do you want this sixty one
year old to show up? Dumb? Dumb, but I digress.
Let's mean our chemist in no particular order. Please say,
how do you do? Vanessa Ragman Venetia? When it comes
(00:22):
to push or shove, how shall we get that baby
out of you? I think just a calm invitation this
side of the veil. Alright, I write that down. Check
the hallway for the principle. Because James Jenie is here,
Jimmy che Che, choose me? Which is your place? Mine
is to to seven. I won't give any more information
(00:43):
than that. We'll take it. Can I get an amen?
Joey Greer is here, Joe Joe the Dodo. When the
police ask, do you know why I pulled you over?
What you're gonna say? I don't know? Office sir. Wow,
there's no way that's to get you a ticket. Pleasant
dreams to you. It's called like Akowski, Get in my carl.
(01:10):
You not creepy at all? What's your favorite kind of pie,
and wouldn't it look better smashed into Joey Grew's face? Yeah,
my favorite kind of highest smashing Joey great pie, sweet
pie to sweet pie, not a savory pie? Whatever? Whatever?
And last, but poop on your you if you here's
(01:33):
Craig Kowski. Yeah, please share one memory from your recent
trip to Poland. Just one. I wore a Slavic gangster
track suit as a crowd chanted my name pronounced tetko Ski.
That happened, Yeah, I did. I played with three guys
(01:53):
from Bratslav who improvised in character wearing matching track suits,
and they invited me to do this with them, which
was half in Polish and half in English. Would you
speak English? Yes? That wow wow U And thank you
for that. All right, let's get to our first scene.
All today's scenes suggestions regathered from our listeners emails. If
(02:15):
you'd like to submit yours, please write to the podcast
at your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's
your name here at alchemy this dot com. My first scene,
in fact, comes from listener to Jordan's who wrote, Alchemist Hello,
I just wanted to say thanks for all the amazing
content you create I look forward to every Tuesday and
Thursday when the episodes dropped. Thank you Jordan's for reminding
(02:35):
me they did forget when they drop. Uh. You all
are amazingly talented and yes even you James. Don't let
them talk you down. What's happening? Are you guys talking
me down? Extra episodes on Tuesdays? I would think there'll
(02:56):
be a little empathy for Joey coming up. Thing. I
just don't think he gets that people want to Oh
my god, it's so good. Um Y, I had a
thought of a scene suggested for you after these scumbag
boyfriend and pregnant girlfriends seeing a group of interns get
(03:17):
hired at a brand new medical marijuana growing facility in
Ohio or medical marijuana was just recently legalized. Thanks for
all the last love you, Jordan. PS, if you ever
planned to have any shows outside of California, come to Cleveland.
All right, Yeah, so I'm looking for a hybrid. What
kind of hybrid? We get a lot of hybrids, man,
(03:38):
a hybrid of the two the two strains, Yeah, the
two hybrids are a minimum of two strains. Okay, so
you have to pick the strains and see if we
have it. Okay, Why don't you show you all of
our hypes? All right? Okay, what's your name? My name
is Tom? Tom? Yes, two ends, two ends, okay? And
where are you from? Tom? I'm just local. Sure, a
(04:00):
lot of our wet is local. And uh so tell
me if you have a favorite in mine, something you've
had in the past. I love steak, I love pizza. Okay,
well we do have the steak, pizza pie, hybrid pie. No.
I just want the steak or pizza, right, But it's
just a term pizza pie. I don't want pie. I
(04:20):
just want a pizza or steak or my favorite problem pie.
I had a trauma as a child. I was birthed
into a pie tray and my mom left me, and
your mom birthed you into a pie tray and then left. Yes,
I was left at this baking factory and I was here,
was at work. I'm not sure she's left. So that's
(04:44):
just pie for you. No pie about pizza cake, that's fine.
I don't want to rush anything, but i'd like to
get my medication, your medication. I'm here to pick up
my medical marijuana. Oh, everyone's here to pick up their
American Meta one s your name down the list. Are
(05:06):
you Stone? Why would I work here if I wasn't Stone?
Oh my god, honey, I told you this was a
bad idea. We should have just stuck with CVS. I
can help you. I can help you. I'm just an
intern around here, but I'm happy to help. Are you Stone?
I'm always partially stoned, hurt. You know what. It's CVS.
(05:26):
They're all hopped up on cough sharp anyways. So let's
just give this a chance. Okay, I'm giving it. I'm fun. Okay,
you seem like it. You certainly do seem like it.
All right. Here, here's some oils, some medical marijuana oils.
And what you do is you put these on the
bottom of your feet and the skin absorbs them. He
doesn't have a foot problem. Now I have a back problem.
(05:47):
It's sciatica, right, But then be absorbed in your blood stream.
It'll go to wherever it's necessary for it to go to.
There's no blood in his foot. It's fine, Um, birch, sir,
I'm so sorry my intern status is really I'm feeling
it right now. I'm feeling very nervous. Should I just ada?
(06:09):
You should settle down, Tom, just adapt to what their
needs are, adapt what their needs are, and I'll take
a dab of this oil myself. She excuse me, take
my socks off. Excuse me? This is miss your prescription, sir,
it's okay, and here it is okay. Uh yeah, that's
(06:35):
a prescription i've ever seen sign X. Well, honestly, it
doesn't need any signature more than the next. If that's
my signature, accounts and right, we're looking for the doctor's signature.
He couldn't have gotten that without a doctor giving it
to get out the other paper on here. Here, look
at this compared to my usual writing. I didn't sign
that X. Nope, that's not your X. Oh wait, I've
(06:57):
got something in my purse. Um, hold on listen. No,
you know what, Clea. They're just trying to make us
feel ashamed when we're trying to use our legal United
States right to get some goddamn medicine. I'm sorry that
they don't treat us like this. Can someone help him? Yes,
of course, I'm sorry for you. If you could do us,
all of us, a world of good and stop mentioning
(07:19):
those three letters drug store, Hello, can I get some
weight in here? Hello? Fred? Good to see Tina, Tina,
remember me high five? So I have your gummies so
(07:41):
much and I have your weed, thank you so much.
Who I thought we had a friend deal here. Uh oh,
we're friends and that's the deal is that we're friends. Look,
I got a guy down the block I can get
it from for twenty bucks. I can't hear that. I
can't hear that. That's illegal. High There were other people
in here drink and we were ahead of you. But
(08:03):
go ahead, go ahead, geez, so I can get it
for twenty bucks down the block, all right. They were
trying to charge you with eight hundred dollars, man for
what for? We we met all these little Cheeto gummies
and whatnot. It's like cereal and man Ohio has changed
(08:28):
it really have Man, it ain't. It ain't the America
once new. It ain't America. We knew, No guys, you
gotta you got a double sidebuck for me? Man, say again,
you got a double sidebuck for me? I got a
double sidebuck? Alright, so you know a ten dollar bill
as a sawbuck. Can you come into the kitchen for
(08:50):
just seconds? Can you come into the kitchen. I'm busy
doing bonghads, No, no, com come in the kitchen real quick. Okay,
my woman wants me to go on the kitchen. Oh man,
I know that you want me just hanging here in
the basement for a little bit. Yeah, you still owe
me twenty bucks on Hey, come on, man, you know
I got them saw sucks. Hey. I heard him staying,
(09:12):
they're charging eight hundred dollars over at the shop. Any
right that you should be charging something competitive? I thought
we were going to try to make this a competitive business.
Do you want me to charging about something more expensive
than two side bucks? Go down there and get it.
I don't know, give five side bucks. Look, I've got
my clientele that I've had for years, and they expect service.
(09:38):
I'm just saying, there's the cost of livings going up
in the cost of your side bucks. Ain't okay? This
is my clients, ole, my friends, people I do bum
hits with, and people who paid twenty dollars less from pot.
We're trying to raise a family. You go down there
and you get a couple more bucks on the side.
Where are the kids anyway? Being in a table of this?
(10:01):
How town? You are? My ankle raised myself daddy. Listen,
you shouldn't be under the table. It's dangerous. There could
be knives falling off the table. You got all the knives,
I know where all the nis. So I'm stuck in
the fridge again. I'm stuck in here. Okay, you get
your sister out of the fridge and you guys go upstairs.
I like it in here. It's like air conditioning. I
like it under table just fine. I'm looking at Chell's ankles. Okay, look,
(10:26):
I'll tell you what. I'm gonna go undercover into that fancy,
high fluting medical marijuana plays and see how they can
get away with charging eight bucks for that. Sounds like
a good idea, Eddie, that's really fun. What kind of
costume you don't wear? I don't know what kind of
costumes you got. How do we treat I got a
trench coat, okay, I wear a trench coe. What do
you get? I got the tape cloth and these knives.
(10:47):
I guess I also got a dog. Use a dog?
It can go a dog in a trench coat. You
can put the dog in a trench That's a good idea.
That's what I'm gonna do, and put the dog in
a turns tru can I have five saw bucks, five socks.
Let me see how much that it's fifty bucks? What
do you need fifty bucks for a girl? I didn't
know find out how much you saw about was worth it?
(11:09):
Now I guess I know? All right? Now you know? Well,
I hope you don't just go without getting your friend
from downstairs. Who's doing all those you're still down there? Hey,
I don't think it's a big deal, Danny, Oh god,
hey Fred, you still? Holy ship? Oh God, holy ship,
you man, you're paring a home. Man. I freaked out. Man,
(11:31):
I did a whole bunch of drugs and you were gone. Man,
oh my god, tell him what you saw? What you saw? Hey, look, man,
I've been destined for something, my man. I gotta go
do something. Hey look, man, I gotta collect all the
city's teeth and I gotta grind them all up, and
I gotta make this effort. You need tooth dust. Look, man,
(11:54):
I gotta put the tooth dust. And everyone's medley button.
You can get five hours in the boxes? What do
you get the box? My end, not the boxed in
the box, not the boo box. No, no, calm down,
look at out of here. We'll get the teeth Danny,
I got some teeth your freak and hands. They're under
(12:14):
my pillow. What are you doing in the boot box?
All kinds of places. Get okay, honey, you get out
of there. I've got so many teeth. It's like I'm
gonna crack the door to the boot box and honey,
you're gonna ruin out and make sure that Fred stays
(12:35):
in there all right? Okay, children have two sets of
teeth in their head. Do you need some of my teeth? Friends? No? No,
don't get her teeth to share my teeth. If you
want some messed up right now, he's going to grind
your teeth and snort them. Okay, cartoon character so big
(12:57):
you want my teeth but will never be he's here,
then that's so chief. There's just been no crime since
marijuana has become legalized medically. And I don't know what
you want me to do bust people from nothing. We
just got a big crime. And guys, what you get?
Teeth are missing all over the city that we just
got a big crime in y'all them we don't we know?
(13:24):
Could you know? I found out first? Then Rance came
in and tried to steal my thunder you're coming in
with a bloody mouth. We know someone's taking teeth. Some
tweakers hit me in the mouth. I'm two years old.
Describe them? Okay, wait wait wait wait, gave him a
(13:46):
cup to catch the blood. Wait wait wait, you don't
need to doodle right now. He's gonna describe them. I
gotta draw them. You're not a good artist, don't. Yes, no,
you're not. If you're believe in yourself, anything as possible.
That's not true. Everything you look like a stickman? Is
that true? Please? Let this man describe his singing, by
(14:06):
the way rants. Yes, if you follow your dreams, thank you, absolutely,
thank you. That's sexist. They were wearing a trench coat
and they put several knives on me, and they said
burk burk, burk, burk, burk burk. Them were there? There
were at least one. I just want to just point
something out. Is it possible that they weren't saying bark
(14:28):
it it was the sound of a bark. That's impossible,
it's possible. How could that be possible? You need a
you need a real dog to pull off something like that. Perhaps,
but we don't know what we're dealing with. Dogs can't
wear trench coat. That's been proven. That has been proven.
You know what about this at the dog in a
trench a stickman? It might have been a dog in
(14:49):
a trench coat. You didn't have low hanging balls like that.
They weren't there. Are you sure? Because I mean I
think I did. And the covered the trade by the
amount of praise you're getting right now, don't push back, Laura,
I'm out the side with you. Thank you for one. Yeah,
what I was saying about the dreams? Do you want
to forget those? Those balls are an abomination in terms
(15:11):
of dog But now, sir, if we can get back
to you for a second, So it was just the
dog or whatever the small creature was barking at in
the trench coat, But how would that result in you
losing your teeth? And wrap me up in a in
a tablecloth and nimes of me and then they wracked
my face with a sledge hammer until all the teeth
(15:32):
were gone. So you'd like us to believe there's a
sledgehammer wheedling canine. Look all, speaking of canines that want
my teeth back? What about the strawnt? What is that
looks like a balloon? Dog? Enough time to do everything correct,
But does that look anything like you saw? Just if
(15:53):
you want to be an artist, leave, yeah, well that's great. Also,
don't make this moment about you, right me. It's because
what we still don't know is how can a dog
hold a thing? So it's not your question. You just
drew a balloon dog, that's my question. Is that what
you saw? What did you about thumb? I've seen a
(16:14):
dog with thumbs before. It is rare, but I've seen it, well,
not human thumbs. There's still dog thumbs, but it's a
thumb nonetheless, on the bottom of the dog's foot. Where
did you see this, Delaney? It was at a pound.
It was disgusting, really, Fred Okay, so my dog eat
call here. He brought all the teeth that you wanted.
(16:37):
It is for you, Fred, I gotta get a blender.
You did a good jack cow, good jack Bunny. Get
a blender in the boot bogs. Is there a long
extension cord you can bring in here? Of course? Always? Okay,
I just got blend of these teeth. Okay, So how
many sawbucks did I get for that? All the subs? Remember?
(17:00):
But how many? Exactly? How many are that's a stupid question, question,
here's a dollar in the boot box. Okay, you're coming
down yet, it's been two days. How many drugs did
you do? I found some more? Oh no, indeed, well
(17:22):
we ever get out of the was it bombox? You
didn't have a blue box when you grew up? How
are you spelling boob? My mistake? Why why was the
box called the boo box? You're seeing the hook Yep,
that's and they put they dropped the scorpions. Yeah, I
don't think it's who is someone? There was an actress
(17:43):
who was like I think that you remember this film? Well, so, well,
it's a beautiful movie. It's a great film. It holds
up practical effects. You're not talking about the one with
Dustin Hoff. Yes, yeah, you're saying that was a great film.
I think it's maybe the best film. We watched it
(18:04):
last month, and it's that's fair. That's fair. You're doing it, Peter, Yeah,
it really does. It's not a musical. It must be
a generational thing. The old guy doesn't get it. R
Number twos from Andrew who wrote Light Everyone. I have
(18:27):
an idea for us. Sketch. Well, we don't really do
sketches that I hope you love world. I hope you lovely,
funny talented people. You guys can decide who is lovely,
who is funny, and who's talented? Will like enough to
bring to life into it? Really isn't There's there's six
of us, including Chris, our engineer for the day. Just
(18:48):
to show a hands who Mrs Doug Band Okay, I
didn't see any hands. The idea is that the semi
final of a bowling tournament, one team is made up
of the local police, the other team of local crime family.
Yours Andrew from Manchester, United Kingdom. Thank you Andrew. Want
(19:11):
and a half? Okay, um, I only have a twelve
or thirteen and a half? Let me ask you a question, Timmy,
is it? Uh? Huh? Where do you live? To me?
I live on nineteen nineteen Crescent Boulevard? Follow up if
I may? Do you like your family? Yes? Give me
a twelve and a half. You better give him. You
better hurry up, and you better hurry up with mine
to thirteen. I don't want it twelve. Can she stop
(19:34):
spraying hair spray? It's not until I get my shoes,
all right. I crushed out of the house tonight so
I can give you know in process right now? All right,
I can I mean, I only have done talking to
him and go get the This is not seems like
you don't have to say another words. Wait, I appreciate
the effort. Get the shoes, all right, show him picture
(19:58):
of his family so he has something to with him. Okay,
here's a picture of your family, picture of my family?
All right, let me see you. Do you want to
see him again? Do you want to see him again
the picture of my family? Yes? Sure? Is that what
you meant? Speethot it? Did you mean like, want you
want to see your actual family again? He'll kill him,
(20:19):
You'll kill my family. I'm so glad that was clear.
I didn't know that. Yeah, excuse me, sir, you were
threatening this this bowling employee. Pardon mayor mally. Yeah, I'm
just letting him know that I need a twelve and
a half. If you don't happen to have that on
you do your flat foot. No, I don't bring shoes
for my opponents during the bowling tournament, the professional Bowlingly
(20:41):
you don't have your own shoes. You brought the laptop
that I'm the bestest team scot. Yeah, that's exciting for you.
I don't need a twelve and a half. Alright, you
guys are so great for you to show up every week. Well, listen,
the finals of the tournament. We're not going to drop
out now, it's the semifinals. We're going to No, no,
(21:03):
he was right for you, guys. It's the final. Oh
I said, I said, we're gonna kill you, right. Yeah,
maybe not not in the exact way. I don't know
if this is okay? Is that a rightful to say that? Man,
you're not so much not okay? Sorry, you want to
(21:24):
keep your girl in line, Jimmy two strikes. Hey, I'm
in line to get my shoes. That's right, baby. You
tell them, uh, twelve and a half? So away they
came from the back, all right, what lane wood lane?
I have you? I have you on seven and have
you on eight. Okay, so we'll take seven and they'll
(21:44):
take eight. Okay, a seven and a half. It's the
petite foot. Hello, you are so tall, big lighted little
FEEI that's around the calling. It is which team you
play it for in the middle, because you wish one,
(22:10):
please let me play with it. Either of you can
absolutely look at it for him for both sides. So
technically you're eligible for either team. That's what I'm saying,
And I just wish I would get picked. Here I
am with my buffalo things. What was your name again,
Dar Darson? You can play, you can roll in our team,
(22:34):
but I'm gonna need to know how to spell that
dom Tarson spell like person but with the different letters
at the front. Oh, the conventional spell ye Tarson taran alright,
so I'll know what I'm wearing. A skirt roped underplants,
(22:54):
have extra end the pants in my persian extra. You
could throw the cups off the game a little. You're
not allowed to bring in outside wings to the pulling
from outside. How many well I saw you walk in
to get your checked. Bitch, Timmy, I'm gonna need to
(23:15):
I'm gonna need you to see a little less, all right.
I just she's not allowed to happen. What are you
looking at? No Pennylon, Jesus, please please stop this disgusting.
I'm not doing anything. You're doing everything. I just shoot that.
I don't aren't you calm down? Getting to calm down, Copper.
(23:46):
All I know is your name is Jimmy. Two strikes
because you never got a turkey before. That's right, son? Wow? Great? Okay,
So all the teams are here, good, good. I'm not
gonna be applying for the bad guy. Okay, it's it's
it's doubles only, so I don't know if that's gonna
be okay. I thought it was a pretty desperate move
for them to pick up another players. I'm happy, but
(24:09):
you say it's a little late in the game to
pick up another player. I guess what. I don't even
want to be here, love, I'll just dropped something. Let
me pick it up. Oh wow, you're getting buffalo. Just
be a cheerlater. That's what I was in hospital in
(24:30):
college anyway. What's college? What colleld you go to? You know?
You shut up? Okay, great? Uh so we we have
the two teams and you're all lanes are set up,
and it's going to lucky seven, Lucky seven seven. Oh yeah,
you're gonna leave that seven. Been dangling all game. I'm
(24:52):
gonna dangle your face in about nine seconds. Chief, all right,
it's just just a game of bling, alright, So let's
just who's your name? Patterson? Patterson of this table. It's
never just a game of bowling. Never, So you know. Also,
I have pictures of your family, which is my family. Yeah,
(25:15):
she does. Patterson, you're a scorekeeper, right, yes, I am,
all right, we'll keep us in mind. Actually everything's computerized.
You don't actually need to many a scorekeeper anymore. But
I guess I'll go home. No, no, no, Patterson, you
know you should be here. So everything's ony wants to
cheat computerized? What are you talking about? I mean that's
(25:37):
what those monitors are up there, right, Nope, and then
there's a little animated thing that shows you which direction
to roll it. I totally agree. We need a referee.
You're saying, we roll the ball and then the computer
figures out how many pins we get. Yeah, it's it's right.
I thought that was a TV show. Yeah, which TV show?
(25:58):
You thinking of the Turkey Bowler? So there's so many channels. Now, okay,
so you're coming today to read for the part of
Larry Turkey. All right, So do you have any questions
about the material or do you want to just jump?
(26:18):
It's pretty straightforward. It certainly is. What was your name again,
Larry Turkey? Oh? I like your style? All right, Larry,
when you're ready, Um, Sheila is going to read with you. Okay,
I will read with you. So we're gonna start on
page four. I hope what network is this for? CVS?
CVS uh, yes, it's a new streaming service, all right. Yeah,
(26:43):
so is this gonna play like on the automated monitors
when you're checking out, you get CVS at all. Yeah, yeah,
well I get CVS ATT. Yes, that's the channel that
keeps printing out the really long receipt exactly. Yes, all right, okay, alright,
starting on page four when you're ready, Hey, Larry Turkey's back.
(27:05):
Gonna stop you? Yes, too much of a voice. No,
I was gonna say a little more to what you're doing. Yeah,
we we gotta, we need energy. We need to hear you,
and we need to hear you. Yes, okay, I am
wired for sound, right, um, okay, I mean for my
(27:26):
own personal use. Yeah, of course we're not recording this,
but we need to hear you. But we need to
hear you when you're ready. On page for Hey, Litterary
Turkey's here, super hungry, yep, super hungry. First authentic CBS
(27:47):
Buffalo Wings. Sorry if I got big in um, there's
not a laugh right there when you laughed? Is this
a comedy. We don't why don't want to drag the
audience by the no was I felt like Larry Turkey
would in that moment. Well, I'll tell you what, if
(28:09):
we could just stick to the writing script, that would
really be helpful. I'm uncomfortable with all the product placement. Yes,
thank you, Sheila. Alright, throw it away if we're going
to give you a note to be thrown away, Okay,
so big and throw it away? All right? Hey, Larry
(28:34):
Turkeys here, yep, hungry for some of those authentic CBS
Buffalo wings. Check? Yeah, the check? Yeah, I remember when
I picked up the check after my bowling tournament loss.
(28:59):
Hopefully I will be able to bowl that perfect three
game one day. Or my name isn't Larry Turkey shop
at CVS. Look, I represent mothers against Larry the Turkey. Okay,
that show is so offensive, so disrespectful. It's it's it's
it's just corrupting our children. And I don't like that. Okay.
I live in Ohio, right, But do you shop at CVS.
(29:22):
I've shot there, Yes they have. Do you have a
CVS card? Yes, I have a CVS card. Well, it
sounds like you're a fan there's the guy right there,
There is the guy right there, there's that sicko, there's
that Larry the Turkey sick Are you gonna do that sign?
Excuse me? I'm an actor. Oh yeah, yes, I realized
that I play a character was a bit of an
(29:42):
anti hero named Larry Turkey, not Larry the Turkey, whatever, whatever,
whatever it's called. Well, just thank you for watching the
show though. How many episodes have you seen? Too many?
Thank you very much? Or you don't have to watch?
Oh don't I My kids watch. All around the school.
Every wants to Larry, Larry the Turk lego set, Larry
the Turkey dinner set, and your first and last name.
(30:06):
That's your business, okay, fair, but there's no the between
your first and last name. Refany squircil. Okay, so it's
not Tiffany the squircial. No it's not. Okay, So the
same thing, Larry Turkey. Excuse me, I'm here to buy razors.
Can you unlock the razors? Look at this? So he
just gets whatever he wants whenever he wants it. Well,
he's a customer. Oh is he Verry Turkey? Oh my god,
(30:30):
Oh my god, I've got to buy pins so you
can sign me Larry Turkeys here have you? Who are you?
Did you see this? You know I know who he is.
He's he's a problem because he's offensive. What he does?
Which episode? All of them? I didn't think so, oh yeah, sure?
What do you think he's offensive about it? It's a turkey.
(30:52):
Be specific, it's a Turkey's a man. It's Larry the Turkey. No,
it's Larry Turkey. It's an Arry Turkey. You've seen the show.
It's Larry. It's a t he's a bowlder. Turkey is
a bowling term for three strikes in a row. I
think that's pretty common novel. I think it's he's a
bowler frequent cvs. Oh my god, is it not? Man?
Please just admit you've never seen the show. I have
(31:13):
seen the show, right, I have seen it. How does
it open? Every episode opens in the same way? Just
give me the opening. I could tell you, well, I know,
I'm good, but I won't. Okay, thank you. It opens
with the show. If there's credits and she's surrounding, there's
so hot in here. I've been winning a car for you.
(31:35):
What are you gonna be doing? Oh my god, is
that Larry turkey, Turkey, turkeys, turkey. I loved friend. Get mom,
shut up, shut up, bomb the kids all right, And
he is Larry Turkey. I'm freaking out to will you?
(31:55):
Will you sign me? Oh my gosh, I have to
buy pins. I let him sign. You have t sound
to me, shook my hand. He would be my blood brother. Sure, sure,
I have a nice we go, A little slice on
a kid and more a slice than you needed to Donna.
(32:16):
Slice of turkey there. Oh my god, I love you.
I love you so much. I'm talking to you mom,
talking to Larry about with that. Okay, I'll be an
all for chief. I think they're cheating on this game.
I mean we should be. They're definitely cheating. There's no
(32:38):
way we should be trailing by this. You should do something.
You should do something. You can't just let them cheat, cheef.
I thought it was all computerized. You like damp pins
in the score comes like we could control anything, sistern,
Look can I see your balls? Say again? Can I
(33:01):
check your balls? Let me feel your balls come out?
Come out holdings around here? Who checks balls? Thanks Patterson?
They're doing somebody at their balls. They're not waiting. I'll
check the balls. I'll check the balls. We're not allowed
to have our own balls personally, of course, a little
finger with that. Again, they're covered in barbecue sauce, covered
(33:26):
in that's a little skin condition. That's oh my god. Strike,
I got what can I say? What is your computer? Shake?
The computer says X like it's a straight exactly, and
(33:48):
look at the graphic design when it tells us it's
a strike. It's pretty good. But look, everyone remembers that
episode of Larry Turkey right where hackers got into the
bowling computer system right and and changed it to knock
down more pens. That's what's happening to the sanitizer and
sanitazer from sleeving yes to clean the prince of the ball.
(34:11):
That's the one. That's the one. It's a pretty memorable episode.
Strike pattersond make a stop bulling Turkey. You guys are
talking so much. You should be playing. Yeah, I mean
you are talking about captain Okay, shoes on time? Look
at that? Okay, all right, concentrate, concentrate on Melly. Everything's
(34:38):
writing on this, everything's right on this. What what Larry
Turkey do? Bom god r bom birder. It's swerving it's
swerving right. It's swerving right. It's swerving left. It's swerving left.
(35:00):
It's going up. It's going up. Straw strike you can
strikes good. He's lucky, very okay's having a stroke. Strong.
I trying to tell you strong, strong company. Right now,
(35:24):
we getting into the medical American. That's the answer, Patterson. Okay,
Well that's all I got if you don't want to
lose one medical. I don't know somebody here's medical? Does
anybody have medical? Mari wan on him in this place?
Hate the same him drop Turkey guys, Oh my gosh, hello,
what do you some cho gummies or that till they
(35:49):
take about two hours to take a back stroke right now?
Do you want me to call your family because I
have all their numbers? Yeah, not just the pictures. Yeah,
it's like a real life episode of Larry Turkey. Yeah,
(36:11):
that's a quick question. I know it's not a great time.
About the Cheeto gummy? Does that mean it's gummies that
tastes like cheetos? Yep? Really? Yea, So the gummies could
be any flavor and you chose Cheetos. I'm not I'm
not a big cheeto so but yeah, when I say you.
I mean the Royal one one could choose, yes, one
(36:32):
could you? Actually, I think that's the only flavor available
at the moment. Turkey album Larry. It's just Larry Turkey. Okay, right, right, right, okay, okay, pal,
I need you to open up wide, open up, stroll.
(36:54):
You're buying my finger. Yeah. Oh oh no, it looks
like the buffalo s that's not that's not that's a
skin condition. That's a that's a layer's skin. That's a
layer of wet, loose skin. Man. That's fine, it's fine.
(37:16):
I don't know what it smells like. Sauce. It's fine
to carome out. It's not your Carol out Compkin Tompkins, Tompkins.
I think this is it for me. No, you seem
to be getting better strokes going away. It's just a
temporary reprieve. Look, I want you. I want you to
(37:37):
arrest Jimmy. Two strikes him. Runt you and arrest him.
Tersen has been undercover for Rest the whole time. I
didn't know hair would grow there. I had a badge on. Alright,
Jimmy's two strikes, You're under arrest. Shot the charges, quick shell,
(38:05):
bullet stroke cheat and bullet stroke. All right, they got
me Drake. Oh look at that's a turkey. I've been
wearing a wire, remember, And while you're contemplating where Terson
might have plugged in her wire. That's the end of
(38:27):
this particular comes from Alyssa, who wrote, Hello, giggle Gang.
That's a nice name for us. It's happy trademark, trademark,
pink ladies, jackets. We have like violent turf warce Alyssa
(38:51):
goes on strangely. I love your podcast and have been
a devoted listener since the start. Every morning I hear
birds tripping outside my window and thought of a scene
a serious group of birdwatchers and a redneck group of
birdwatchers bird hunters clash in the Ozarks while trying to
spot a super rare type of finch. It's always a finch, right,
(39:11):
that are super rare before they fly west for the winter.
I'm assuming that means the finch, not the bird. No
parameters on flies, uh, Each and every one of you
bring brightness to my day. I want to thank you
for the extra dose of laughter in these dark times. Sorry,
especially love Vanessa's billy hobo monster man voice. Wow, what
(39:35):
a description. Keep up the amazing work. A lista thank you, Alyssa,
were taken out of the ozarks. Just quietly quiet we
know to be quiet quiet, red throat and war blood.
Never get it down. I won't take a picture of it.
(39:56):
Hold on, I want to take picture of your sound
off all this time you use your camera. Your sound
is okay, I'm turning my sound off, thank you. I apologize,
I'm turning down. It's really beautiful. The sound of that
isn't it really? It makes me feel all fuzzy and
warm and a little, you know, excited. Yeah, it's excited
(40:19):
to see those animals on the wild. I meant like passionate. Yeah,
I love I'm passionate about me. I mean like corny.
It makes a little horny. Alright, okay, anyone morning and
anyone horny. I could go either way, anyone knows. I mean,
oh that the horny story story gorgeous. It's distinctive call
(40:45):
of fuck me? Oh sorry, what was that? Did you say?
Fuck me? It does sound like saying that it is.
It can be saying that it's a bird. That's what
it's saying. It's saying it first. That's the horny stark.
I know. I can't do here. I've never I've never noticed.
(41:07):
Is your sound on your camera? Is your sound on?
I turned it off a second? Turn your sound off
your camera? That finch gorgeous? Do you think that horny
stalk and the finch might be talking to each other?
They're listening to share the same air. Beautiful, Oh my god, beautiful?
Thank you over here, Joe a nice? Oh hey, look
(41:31):
are you frightened them? Dirty people? Frightened the birds? People? People?
You dandies want us to believe you had a finch
in here? Who's who's the dandy? Well, you're all wearing randy,
But now I'm not. It's for me. Look at that
(41:52):
h just like that hot and cold. Excuse me, so
I'm not wearing a scarf from wearing an ascot, my mistake.
You're protected wetlands, and they certainly are. We're here to
protect him. Show them your guns. Oh my god, we're
gonna die. We didn't come to hunt idiots. We're looking
for bird cooking away our fifteen right here. That's how
(42:14):
you shoot fully automatic. You guys should be wearing something orange.
At least you can't get a orange and get an
orange vastnet. We don't need that. Okay, we're coming with
a group where the bird watching group are trying to
disappear into nature and not stand out exactly. We like
to take notes exactly. That's how you get shot when
you disappear into nature. And you're telling me, sir, that
(42:36):
you're here to dispose of these beautiful greaches. I don't
know dispose it going to dispose of them. We're gonna
keep them landing. Come on now, can't keep them off
trap free things. You can kill them and then put
their heads on steps. Oh, come on, come now please,
that's that's very upsetting. From the city. Yes, we are
(42:56):
you all from the city. You'll get out of your
Yes we did. We have several limousines. The fun yourself
over there. Good tried this morning, and that's why I'm here. Okay. Yes,
we're from the big city closest by here in the Ozarks,
which of course it is Little Rock. Yes, we're all
(43:21):
the feet snobs from Little Rock, Little Rockead, Holy Litle Rock.
Rock to rock like you almost got that horny stork
I wish I had. Yeah, you got it? Really? What
(43:42):
looked through the ashole there? I guess when I get
in the mood, I just kind of want to pull trigger,
and someone happened. I appreciate that. Rat. Look if you
would if you were to shoot a horny stork. A
horny stork has very specific conditions under which it will
reproduce right all day. It's very particular. Let's name the
(44:04):
first seven. Okay, One, it needs complete silence, right Two?
If he needs a bird of the opposite sex, The
opposite what do you mean? Means that if it's gonna make,
it's got to have the opposite sex. So it would
be females. It would be up inside it, Yeah, be
(44:26):
upside down if it was opposite. That birds ain't got
males and females and the walking on the sky and
flying in the ground. That's poetic as hell. That's opposite.
That is pretty poetic. But I'm pretty sure that there
are such things as boy and girl birds. It's not
worms you're talking about here. Three three moss underfoot. They
(44:47):
need moss under number three. Right. Four. They will begin
slowly whispering their bird call and then gradually accelerating in
Christianda wing say louder and louder, Carl, Jeff, you're writing down,
yea professor I'm sorry to catch you after hours. I
(45:09):
was just finishing your book on the mating rituals of
the of the Horned Um, of the of the of
the Horny the horny Stork, and uh, I just wanted
to say that your research is amazing and as someone
who grew up in the city and didn't have as
much experience with nature, it's just fantastic. In a little round,
(45:31):
I did wonderful. Yeah. My dad, he runs the sock factory,
so I was I was just always around. Is everything okay?
And you we're gonna be mopping the floors really soon? Um.
The janitors always can't wait for me to vacate my classroom. Yeah,
we can go to the hallway. You can use the
janitor's closet. If this conversation, I can stay in my classroom.
(45:55):
Oh can you. I'll just be prepared for some gritty
floors tomorrow. Have they left yet? They haven't left here?
Oh my god, I can't wait till I leave. I
can't wait. We'll do in that classroom, so many cart wheels.
Even the custodians a snotty here and at the University
of Arkansas, a little rock, yes, sir um, but I
(46:15):
just get you a point. Um, I was wondering. I'm well,
in your book there was some personal passages about meeting
locals and interacting and all that. And I don't know
if you have any more field trips, if that's threaten
for it to planned. But I would love to go
out and we're gonna go into the field with me.
(46:37):
You want to see a horny stalk, mate, don't you? Okay?
Are you? Are you getting turned on right now? I
mean I could go either way. Okay, No, the way
to go is to not get turned on. Are you
turned up? No? No, I'm clinical. I'm a scientist, all
right to Our job is to observe while remain impartial.
(47:02):
What there's a Horney story righting on campus. Oh my god,
looks like we don't need to do a field trip
at all. My nibbles are rock hardest stop that. There's
no need for that. They do turn down the the
a C in the classroom quite low. This exciety service
is exety. It's right here in the building. It's going
down the hallway. Oh my gosh, I take my shoes off. Okay,
(47:27):
look at the Costonio staff. Do not intervene, But I
want to touch it it. No, please, I'm afraid it's
gonna slip on the floors. I just mought the hall
step away from the bed. I think it's talking to me.
There are seven conditions. Seven is the moss under there's
(47:49):
clearly not moss. Undefeat in my shoes. No, it's definitely
calling out to me. Each Where should I put my shirt?
Where should I put my leave his shirt on? What
are you doing? Nipples? Rock are right now? Look the
horny The horny stork will only will only mate with
(48:10):
one of its own kind, the of the opposite sex.
Be any of us. No, it's not none of us.
We're not birds. Your research didn't say that. It imply
there was open ended we we evolved from birds, sir.
Oh god, another stork. Oh oh the rivals. Okay, it's territory, sir.
(48:36):
They're both male, both male. They're telling us to take
our clothes off. That it's not human speech. It's a
bird call mate. Alright. She's not get saying fuck mate.
He's saying fuck me. And I got these dusters on.
(48:59):
Look like a bird. Well, look like a bird. Actually,
do you look like a bird? Mate? Is what you
yell when you win a game of chess. Okay, mate,
that might be that might be the club, that might
be the club. I'm not sure that is chess club
(49:21):
as opposed to the chess club, which is two different clubs.
They're not into it at all. No, no, no, this
road road. All right. We should definitely listen to this bird.
As much as it may sound like human speech, it
is not. It is, professor, Please open your eyes. We
might be at a moment of evolution here. And what
(49:43):
if your speech is not human speech but their speech
is human speech? Okay, okay, look, I need to get
this on film. I need to get this on film.
Take off your clothes. Do you mean to dance in
front of the camera. No, sorry, look I'm just trying.
You had to get out of the classroom. Hey, fine,
(50:05):
you need to isolate the two birds, these two feather
dusters me fuck me? All right? Fine, if you want
to started orgy with these two birds, then up to
(50:27):
recipient of the Noble Bird Prize, let's Professor Sinn from
Little Rock augurs on. It's such an honor to win
a Noble Bird Prize. My heart was set on the
Nobel Prize, but I was at open the Noble bird. Look,
(50:50):
don't disparage the award. When a series of students, custodial staff,
random passers by, and fuck chess players had an orgy
with two storks in the hallway of the University of Arkansas,
Little Rock, I knew it was an unusual set of service.
(51:12):
What wait, we're having an awards ceremony in here? Are
you idiot? Get out of here? All right? Where was I?
It was a weird day. I didn't say it was
a weird you're paraphrase right now? Yes, I look, I
(51:35):
get nervous when I have to speak in public. So
I did a whole bunch of Cheeto gummies. Okay, I
know that they're not legal yet in Arkansas, but I
went on a trip to Ohio and got a bunch
of Cheeto gummies. Doesn't make it legal, all right, Yeah,
you're right, it doesn't make it legal. But when when
(51:58):
you need to do a citizen's arrest, dude, hold hold
my mouth, barbercue barbecu? What is that? Oh god? Alright,
next case looks to be the people, Little Rock versus professor.
(52:22):
Am I pronouncing this correctly? I don't know? All right?
Sybury sank Bayliff. Uh, sir, you've been brought up on
charges of illegal marijuana on your person and for consumption,
not sales. So that's helpful to you. But good people
would also like to add a charge. Is it too late,
(52:46):
I'm gonna say no. Let's hear it. Um we think
he f you s k E D A bird based
realities a federal offense in Arkansas. I would never We
have an audio recording of the bird and you yelling
back and forth sex talk. Let's play that now for
the people. Fuck me, fuck me me, suck me, fuck me,
(53:09):
fuck me. That's enough, thank you. It's I was doing
a bird call. That's a bird call. I was summoning
a store that was phone sex with a bird that
was not on the phone lines of Ohio. Alright, if
I could just have the stenographer read that back, please
fuck me, fuck me, fuck me. There's no nuance there.
Oh well, I'm sorry. I'm no actor, all right, I'm
(53:32):
just a I make minimum wage. I'm no dext de ended.
You know that's nearly I am merely a professor of
Avian studies. Bring Larry Turkey into this courtroom. Might understan
you're pleading innocent today, sir, Yes, possession of marijuana and
(53:52):
also the bird phone sex. Right, we'll get to that
second charge momentarily. So you had marijuana on your person
when you were wrestled to the ground. Apparently you announced
to a room of witnesses that you had consumed. And
I have a lawyer. Is wait, is this some kind
(54:15):
of sham? Try? What is this order in the court? Please?
Will we help your son? Yeah? Sorry, I'm yes, sorry,
I'm looking for Oh yeah, this is my guy. I am.
I am the prosecute. I'm I'm helping him. Are you
I need a defense lawyer? Public? Yes? A sign? Yes,
the public you were my lawyer. I've got all these teeth.
(54:38):
I got to get ride off steel. I'm gonna work
on there. Give me a second. Okay, your client is
the plea of innis, and I'll decide if he's my client.
A thumbs up. Okay, So my client is let's see here, Okay,
he is me and my dog. Remember bird got all
(55:01):
these teeth here? Okay, okay, so he has all these teeth?
Is that correct? No? No, that's not me. The cases
mixed up. Um uh. We'll continue and then I'll jump
in as as go for it. Look, yes, sir, I
I filmed on my iPhone a man bird orgy. What
(55:23):
that that? I don't say it like you're my lawyer. Look,
that was was viewed as a scientific breakthrough. I want
a noble bird produce objection. Are the people allowed to object? Sure? Um,
I don't know. It helps if you have a reason
for your objection. I felt like I did. Can we
(55:45):
give her a second? You don't have to, It's all right.
I don't want Dan, if you're going for thirty seven
cases in a row of being held in contempt your
mudy clothes. Yes, I mean I was going to say
something about, like, you know, him calling it science, but
it's it's still it's still perverted. Yeah, it's perverted. It's
a perverted science. Yeah, he is a pervert. So you
(56:09):
say there's a Noble Bird Prize, Yes, and you were recipient? Yes,
because I documented this event. It's event involving birds and people. Yes. Right,
So you understand beast reality is illegal. I do not
participate in. It's a federal crime in the state. Why
are you saying that, Thanks, Dan, You're welcome to take
a seat. Uh so that charge aside. Uh, you're pleading
(56:35):
innocent to possession of marijuana and yet it was found
on your person? How do you explain that? Is that true?
Don't don't grill me. Okay, look all right, fine, I'll
plead no contest to the marijuana charges. Excellent, read that
back if you would please? Um? What was that? It
(56:56):
was really quick? Would you would not have heard that?
It's really quick? Fun? I could see no better way
to wrap up this particular episode. This what a wild
bird cage we have assembled for you. We have a
guest engineer that I'd like to thank at the top,
(57:17):
but I'm gonna need some help with some guesses on
his last name. His first name is Chris. This gentleman
was coughed up by our very own doug Bane and
we're very grateful for Chris to be here. But here's
how the last name is spelled. And for Carla and
Craig or just back from Poland, perhaps you could lend
some insight. Spelled capitalist z c Z E c H.
(57:44):
Let's go with Carla for the wind check Chris check okay,
Church it okay, Jimmy James. I was gonna say scissors still,
but I think that sounds pronounced Okay, I'm gonna suggest
Miller as the way it's it's translated. That's right. Yeah, Joe,
(58:06):
did you have a say? Okay? Uh, Chris, you want
to get close to this microphone? Or an exact pronunciation
of your lass other full name, Chriss. Where did the
peak come from? The same way that koski? You're drinking
of sissi? You're gonna it's the cerillicp of it. Let's
(58:30):
thank our alchemists, Garlic Kakowski. First of all, thank you
for coming back to the United States of America from Poland.
Thanks for having me Kevin. Yeah, always appreciate having you
joined the team. Venete Uh listen, Uh, since it's a
(58:51):
moment by moment, day by day's situation. Uh, we were
we're all very very excited. Uh and and look forward
to the extraordinary moment in the meantime. How you doing,
because it's just great. This is the you can see
(59:11):
the home stretch of incubating a humane and trying to
be grateful for that. And um, you're still glowing. I'm
still looking spectacular. Oh no, just perspiration. But everything's good. Okay,
I'm a happy person. Okay. Good Uh. And Craig you
(59:32):
too are in the closing closing moments of I'm also
incubating a human. I'm hoping to release him. You need
to get to the crapper. Is that what you're saying. Well,
he's a fella, Jimmy James. Uh, well, it's been wonderful
(59:52):
here And if you haven't seen Sama Paints amazing, we
should give this ridiculous shout out to Uh is it
Sama dot pain period paints on Instagram? It's the best
I can m a Sama dot paint, Yeah paint. Uh
they it's Spencer Spencer. His name is Spencer. Okay, So
(01:00:15):
Spencer has created these uh amazing animation animation versions of
scenes from the podcast moments. They're about a minute long.
It seems like there's three of them, and um, have
we posted them yet to our site? Yeah? I think so.
I Instagram, No, I don't know. They're on they're on
his and that we've we've shared it. They're on some
(01:00:36):
of our pages and all that, but it's definitely on.
We'll make sure it's on ours. But check out Sama
dot paint and thank you for sharing your talents and
making us it's fun. Yeah, it's amazing. Description and they're
not yet on the Alchemy. Okay, good, Vanessa's check and
we're gonna make damn sure. Joey, how will you leave
us this show? I'm gonna leave you all with a
(01:00:58):
little bit of wisdom. Ok Wait, wait for it, and
just go out there whatever you're doing, and just remember
that there that that in in whatever we do, in
anything you're doing. It doesn't matter when we're out there
doing it. Just remember you're you're doing in that. Remember
(01:01:22):
remember you're doing it. Remember you're doing it. Thank you
all right, well, thank you to Chris again and uh
Raphael b sound design engineer. I heart Media, and thanks
Sophie Lichtiman our producer, and thanks to all of you
continue to write to us. I love your emails and
(01:01:42):
you're scene suggestions. Your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at Alchemy this dot com. I'm
Kevin Pollock and on behalf of everyone in the room
and a football pepper and a football pl
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
Popular Podcasts
United States of Kennedy
United States of Kennedy is a podcast about our cultural fascination with the Kennedy dynasty. Every week, hosts Lyra Smith and George Civeris go into one aspect of the Kennedy story.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com