October 11, 2018 • 8 mins
Award-winning comedian Kevin Pollak has gathered five of his favorite, extraordinarily-talented improvisors. In each episode, he presents uniquely bizarre scenarios for he and them to hilariously bring to life.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to Alchemy. This on your host, Kevin poll
Yes that Kevin Pollock, what's that? Yes? I know, I said,
I was ready to buy the car. I'm just not
sweet listeners. Over the years, I've been crazy lucky to
see my fair share of true alchemy. By definition, alchemy
is quote when a person creates something through a seemingly
magical process and you lovely dingleberries. Like I said, I've
(00:25):
been witnessed to the stuff on several occasions. An example,
you asked, okay when separated, only fifty of Sonny and
Share had undeniable tell speaking of which, not too long ago,
while having my conscious scraped and rinsed, the idea hit me.
What if I brought together the right creative people and
asked them to make shut up based on my own twisted,
demented ideas, then offered a podcast of this seemingly magical
(00:50):
process and I could call it alchemy? Why can't you
be more like your brother? Well, after a bit of
title tinkering, I'm so very proud to welcome you, dear friends,
to another episode of Alchemy. This take a photo. I'm
gonna get a photo of this. Hey, get away from
get back away. Please you see the tape photos? No photos? Okay,
what do you what do you see? What do you like?
(01:11):
What do you don't like about this? I don't like
anything about it? All right, Well i'll tell you what
I noticed right away. Cigarettes still lit? Yeah, that's strange, Peterson,
you've got you've got a holmesy and I for detail. Well,
I studied under the grade Sherlock Holmes. You that was
my cigarette? Can I have that back? I misunderstood. I
(01:34):
thought it was in Oh no, I left it there.
Oh yeah, like a holder. You thought the dead guy's
two fingers would help hold your I was taken aback
by the whole thing. I wasn't thinking clearly. Tell us
your name again, you waitress. Well, I'm also the floor manager,
but yes, Turla, how do you how do you spell it?
(01:54):
T U R L A H the traditional? Yes? Correct?
Very shaken. And do you remember this particular patron from
insight at dinner earlier? You know I do remember that
because I as a floor manager, I'm very adapted. I
remembering people's faces, remembering our interactions. He wanted his eggs
(02:16):
over easy. I said, that's not gonna be a problem.
Unfortunately he was the problem eggs late at night. That's correct.
We start breakfast all days, a great menu. Um. Protein
is good for you. You know, uh you said it
ended up being a problem the eggs. Well, yes, not
on my problem. But Frank in the kitchen, he doesn't
(02:37):
fucking understand things. So I said over easy, and he
funked it up. Frankie, want to answer to that? You
know it's oh my god, I speaking for myself. Okay, No,
you can speak for yourself. I just want to warn
them they have made the biggest mistake of their lives.
Do not get your notepads out for this detection you're
gonna want to take all right. First off, if you
(02:57):
guys have a hungry late night, come over to my house,
house one of your house. Come alright, alright, alright, alright, alright. Statement,
do you rent kind of kind of move like move
around you know what I mean? Between situations? Right, A
little bit between a lot of situations, you know what
I mean. I don't feel we're getting a straight answer
from me, Frank, Come on, man, let me just tell you.
(03:18):
What are you the cook here? Yeah? Okay? And so
when the eggs roordered, what was the problem? Well, remember
one is very interested to hear this. Thank you, Detective.
I've been asking him that as well. My question is
always like, over what you know what I'm saying? It's
like over easy. He's like, all right, but over what
you know what? I mean? You're easy? It's the answer.
Can I talk to you by the dumpster? For sure? Excuses?
(03:40):
I like Frank for this? You like Frank for this?
So far? Okay, I feel so little early. Look, I
know it's early, but I get hunches. You know me
and my hunches. You you learned under me, My friend,
you're trained done to me. There's a couple of other
fellas out there that I'd like to ask a couple
of how many times of my hunch is probably write
(04:01):
down it's or how many times have we at least
frame someone based on a hunch that I had no
want to say that so bad? Excuse me, excuse me, officers, detective.
We're both detective. My name is Bobby. This is my
twin brother, Robbie. Um, we saw some things, but we're
not supposed to not here. We can't be here. Bobby
(04:24):
and Robbie, those are both derivative of the name Roberts,
So we're both named Robert. Well, I was, I was.
They weren't expecting twins, they only had one name prepared.
But we saw things, but we can't um really tell
you because we're not supposed to be also late. No,
this is way pastor or curfew. Yeah. I got the
time of death at four am. So my first question
(04:46):
would be what were you two kids doing? Eating? Eating, eating, eating,
only eating, just eating food in our mouths in the
diner outside, well, outside the diner. But it was which
one is Bobby? I'm Robbie. Okay, I'm Bobby giving your problems?
Excuse me? Are they giving you problems? These kids? Do
(05:09):
you remember these two? Oh? Yes, I remember them? Hello Robert.
Uh yeah, they've been outside scrounging. They're always scrounding. By that,
of course, you mean scround you know, there's scrounging, grounges.
We got a good home life. Oh well, I'm very
very sad to hear that none of us have a
(05:29):
good home life. Can we all agree? Peterson? Can I
talk to you about excuse excuse us? Absolutely. I like
Robbie for this. I like Robbie for this. What do
you think I'm writing it down? Okay, write it down?
(05:51):
I'm not sure which one is Robbie to be like
Robbie for this, it's definitely not Bobby. We can rule
him out. The officers. Officers, Frank, Um, that's detective detective
plus right. So I was thinking, like, why why don't
we all just get together and live in a in
a house together? You know what I mean? Frank, can
you give us a moment? Yeah? Sure, before we do. Um,
(06:15):
what do you mean? Huh, We're gonna try to sell
you a condo, will not it will not amount to
any days money, and it will disappear. Chooses just for
a second, Robby, Bobby, Yeah, I was told you were scrounging.
Is this something that happens on a regular basis? I
mean not during the day. We don't try to come
(06:38):
here get free meal during the day when lots of
people here, but nobody shops here at night it's empty. Okay,
So I think between Detective Thompson and myself, you're free
to say whatever you want. This will not get back
to whatever parental characters are in your lives at this point. Okay,
all right, then there's no one for us to talk to,
so really talk openly and freely. Well, we feel like
(07:00):
we have some leverage here and you don't have a
ring on. Do you have a wife? I don't see
how that's pertinent. You're very observing kid. We need to
make a good detective someday. Oh I see, Peterson. Let
me talk to you for a second. By the dumpster.
I get a different hunch. I like Bobby for this, Robbie.
(07:23):
I think it's going to be a great detective someday.
So that's why you're rulling that whole no wedding ring thing.
I mean that was very You keep on talking over
by my beard. I live in this dumpster, and you
keep on coming over. Sorry, what sir? You got yourself
a dog? Little dog, but that's the dog's name, But
(07:43):
little dog, Peterson, let me talk to you for a second.
I like a little dog for this look. I have
an examined the body enough to know if there's a
dog bite. But I feel strongly that we need to
get away from your hun sh at this point and
just hear these people out
Welcome back to Alchemy. This on your host, Kevin poll
Yes that Kevin Pollock, what's that? Yes? I know, I said,
I was ready to buy the car. I'm just not
sweet listeners. Over the years, I've been crazy lucky to
see my fair share of true alchemy. By definition, alchemy
is quote when a person creates something through a seemingly
magical process and you lovely dingleberries. Like I said, I've
(00:25):
been witnessed to the stuff on several occasions. An example,
you asked, okay when separated, only fifty of Sonny and
Share had undeniable tell speaking of which, not too long ago,
while having my conscious scraped and rinsed, the idea hit me.
What if I brought together the right creative people and
asked them to make shut up based on my own twisted,
demented ideas, then offered a podcast of this seemingly magical
(00:50):
process and I could call it alchemy? Why can't you
be more like your brother? Well, after a bit of
title tinkering, I'm so very proud to welcome you, dear friends,
to another episode of Alchemy. This take a photo. I'm
gonna get a photo of this. Hey, get away from
get back away. Please you see the tape photos? No photos? Okay,
what do you what do you see? What do you like?
(01:11):
What do you don't like about this? I don't like
anything about it? All right, Well i'll tell you what
I noticed right away. Cigarettes still lit? Yeah, that's strange, Peterson,
you've got you've got a holmesy and I for detail. Well,
I studied under the grade Sherlock Holmes. You that was
my cigarette? Can I have that back? I misunderstood. I
(01:34):
thought it was in Oh no, I left it there.
Oh yeah, like a holder. You thought the dead guy's
two fingers would help hold your I was taken aback
by the whole thing. I wasn't thinking clearly. Tell us
your name again, you waitress. Well, I'm also the floor manager,
but yes, Turla, how do you how do you spell it?
(01:54):
T U R L A H the traditional? Yes? Correct?
Very shaken. And do you remember this particular patron from
insight at dinner earlier? You know I do remember that
because I as a floor manager, I'm very adapted. I
remembering people's faces, remembering our interactions. He wanted his eggs
(02:16):
over easy. I said, that's not gonna be a problem.
Unfortunately he was the problem eggs late at night. That's correct.
We start breakfast all days, a great menu. Um. Protein
is good for you. You know, uh you said it
ended up being a problem the eggs. Well, yes, not
on my problem. But Frank in the kitchen, he doesn't
(02:37):
fucking understand things. So I said over easy, and he
funked it up. Frankie, want to answer to that? You
know it's oh my god, I speaking for myself. Okay, No,
you can speak for yourself. I just want to warn
them they have made the biggest mistake of their lives.
Do not get your notepads out for this detection you're
gonna want to take all right. First off, if you
(02:57):
guys have a hungry late night, come over to my house,
house one of your house. Come alright, alright, alright, alright, alright. Statement,
do you rent kind of kind of move like move
around you know what I mean? Between situations? Right, A
little bit between a lot of situations, you know what
I mean. I don't feel we're getting a straight answer
from me, Frank, Come on, man, let me just tell you.
(03:18):
What are you the cook here? Yeah? Okay? And so
when the eggs roordered, what was the problem? Well, remember
one is very interested to hear this. Thank you, Detective.
I've been asking him that as well. My question is
always like, over what you know what I'm saying? It's
like over easy. He's like, all right, but over what
you know what? I mean? You're easy? It's the answer.
Can I talk to you by the dumpster? For sure? Excuses?
(03:40):
I like Frank for this? You like Frank for this?
So far? Okay, I feel so little early. Look, I
know it's early, but I get hunches. You know me
and my hunches. You you learned under me, My friend,
you're trained done to me. There's a couple of other
fellas out there that I'd like to ask a couple
of how many times of my hunch is probably write
(04:01):
down it's or how many times have we at least
frame someone based on a hunch that I had no
want to say that so bad? Excuse me, excuse me, officers, detective.
We're both detective. My name is Bobby. This is my
twin brother, Robbie. Um, we saw some things, but we're
not supposed to not here. We can't be here. Bobby
(04:24):
and Robbie, those are both derivative of the name Roberts,
So we're both named Robert. Well, I was, I was.
They weren't expecting twins, they only had one name prepared.
But we saw things, but we can't um really tell
you because we're not supposed to be also late. No,
this is way pastor or curfew. Yeah. I got the
time of death at four am. So my first question
(04:46):
would be what were you two kids doing? Eating? Eating, eating, eating,
only eating, just eating food in our mouths in the
diner outside, well, outside the diner. But it was which
one is Bobby? I'm Robbie. Okay, I'm Bobby giving your problems?
Excuse me? Are they giving you problems? These kids? Do
(05:09):
you remember these two? Oh? Yes, I remember them? Hello Robert.
Uh yeah, they've been outside scrounging. They're always scrounding. By that,
of course, you mean scround you know, there's scrounging, grounges.
We got a good home life. Oh well, I'm very
very sad to hear that none of us have a
(05:29):
good home life. Can we all agree? Peterson? Can I
talk to you about excuse excuse us? Absolutely. I like
Robbie for this. I like Robbie for this. What do
you think I'm writing it down? Okay, write it down?
(05:51):
I'm not sure which one is Robbie to be like
Robbie for this, it's definitely not Bobby. We can rule
him out. The officers. Officers, Frank, Um, that's detective detective
plus right. So I was thinking, like, why why don't
we all just get together and live in a in
a house together? You know what I mean? Frank, can
you give us a moment? Yeah? Sure, before we do. Um,
(06:15):
what do you mean? Huh, We're gonna try to sell
you a condo, will not it will not amount to
any days money, and it will disappear. Chooses just for
a second, Robby, Bobby, Yeah, I was told you were scrounging.
Is this something that happens on a regular basis? I
mean not during the day. We don't try to come
(06:38):
here get free meal during the day when lots of
people here, but nobody shops here at night it's empty. Okay,
So I think between Detective Thompson and myself, you're free
to say whatever you want. This will not get back
to whatever parental characters are in your lives at this point. Okay,
all right, then there's no one for us to talk to,
so really talk openly and freely. Well, we feel like
(07:00):
we have some leverage here and you don't have a
ring on. Do you have a wife? I don't see
how that's pertinent. You're very observing kid. We need to
make a good detective someday. Oh I see, Peterson. Let
me talk to you for a second. By the dumpster.
I get a different hunch. I like Bobby for this, Robbie.
(07:23):
I think it's going to be a great detective someday.
So that's why you're rulling that whole no wedding ring thing.
I mean that was very You keep on talking over
by my beard. I live in this dumpster, and you
keep on coming over. Sorry, what sir? You got yourself
a dog? Little dog, but that's the dog's name, But
(07:43):
little dog, Peterson, let me talk to you for a second.
I like a little dog for this look. I have
an examined the body enough to know if there's a
dog bite. But I feel strongly that we need to
get away from your hun sh at this point and
just hear these people out
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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