Irish friend.

Irish friend.

Area 51 intern lets the alien escape.

Wednesday.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Whoa come back to another episode about me? There, I'm
your host, Kevin, Yes, yeah, Ken, I know sometimes I
wake up and I wish he was Did you not
see me? I was waving in you the whole time.
Put your head out of your rest for foot. But

(00:23):
I digress. Let's meet her a shower me no particular orders.
Say hey to Captain Christoph Varado surfs with wolves. Thoughts
on this season of Blowdeck Mediterranean Malie. There's never been
a better boasted in the history of the world than Malia. Yeah,
she's incredible, she's she's generous, she's sweet, she's positive. She

(00:45):
gives people opportunity, and when she needs to correct them,
it's not in a shitty way. She's there to make
them better people. And those three deck hands, those three
men are delights. We've we've ever had this lack of drama.
It's just it's just Lexi and apologies to the rest
of you. Uh now, let's welcome back Gary Anthony. In

(01:10):
case if you had any idea how good it feels
to be back, it feels great. Don't go ahead and
describe it. You know what, I don't know if you've
ever had cinnamon put in the bottom of a latte.
But if you get all the way to the bottom,
there's too much cinnamon. Yeah, right before you get there,

(01:31):
it's like that perfect balance of cinnamon. And that's what
it feels like. That was beautiful. That was beautiful and
perfectly sweet sip. It's the right it's yeah, it's also
the last good sip. Cinnamon turns into a slime at
the bottom. Slime, a bitter slime. I'm so glad everyone

(01:55):
has feelings at all about cinnamon. And now let's welcome Jack.
You tell us the road, the Conus, scariest place you've hiked,
scariest place I've hiked. You know, I don't go too crazy.
I know my limits. But I will say the scariest

(02:16):
time that I've hiked, I was hiking just Griffith Observatory.
I used to you could walk there from my apartments
by hike. Almost every day I was hiking. And at
this time, this is a very short amount of time
in my life, when I decided maybe I'll run, maybe
I'll become somebody who runs. Um didn't last. But thank god,

(02:38):
at this time I was somebody who runs. Because I'm
on the trail and I'm wearing exercise gear type fitted
and there are just staggle of ros who start saying
things in Spanish, but I know what they're saying, and
so I'm just like okay. But it gets to the

(03:00):
point where I'm like, oh, this is weird. They are
kind of like they have now moved from their spot
and they're they're behind me, trailing me. I've got to run,
I've got to run. So I hauled fucking asked down
then the mountain for a very long time until I
got home. Um, that was probably my yeah, my scariest

(03:21):
moment on the trail actually, and the other day I
was working with with Pat and a man uh sorry
that all my scary moments with men. But a man
is walking in the opposite direction and no one else
is on this trail, like it's a it's like five PM.
A man is walking staring at me, not blinking, with

(03:42):
a laceration on his forehead bleeding. It was just and
he passed and Pat was like what the fuck? And
I was like, does he not know he's bleeding? That
was but like that was to me, right, and He's like,
that was only to you? That was only to you.
I was like, that was that was really that was
scary too, A couple of scary ones. But I keep hiking.

(04:03):
I won't stop. No, don't ever stop. Do you know,
let those open wounds get to you. God, damn it.
That's right. And I know that if he comes at me,
I throw some ship in that open wound. Did you
hear the moniker I gave you, by the way, I
worked a little too hard on it. Can I hear
it again? Oh? Thank you? And you know what, And

(04:24):
it's true and it's natural. It's true, it's natural. I
didn't think you heard it because it was heard like monkey,
So I was like, monkey was the other one. I
couldn't figure out how to say this, my monkey, Jackie
the monkey. Hey, there's James Heeney, calamity Jim. How often

(04:44):
do you eat fish? Often? Um, it's healthy for the brain.
So we try to eat salmon once a week. Sometimes
it'll go a couple of weeks without it, but sometimes
it's twice in a week. M okay. I just it's
kind of strange that you're now referring to yourself as
we Oh. I know, it's cool, it's cool, that's true.

(05:08):
But I capically the cook of the household so when
I'm cooking, it's for the wheat. You know, I thought
you meant like me and my mouth look out. It's
kind of like cutter escape, don't hate what's your new
favorite guilty pleasure? Damn it? Oh you know when no

(05:32):
one's looking, I know, like like listen, I don't know,
like I don't think that. I mean, I think most
of my personality is things that are not okay to do.
So I have to kind of remove guilt from the equation,
you know what I mean? Um uh guilt. Well, I

(05:55):
guess something I felt guilty about before and now I'm
not is I have a lot of cock or is
in my apartment, so I've been taking pictures of them
and texting them to my landlord. So I'm not eating
them or anything. I know that it's set up to
do something kind of crazy, but um, I have a
lot of pictures of my phone. If you guys want
me to send them to you, if you want to text, um,

(06:16):
let me know please. Yeah. Are they big or small? Both? Everything?
Any kind of thing you can want their big one?
And like, I not to brag, but I lived in
New York for quite a while. I saw some big
juicy boys there and these are really competing with them.

(06:37):
And one the other day came at me. It was
coming at me. It saw me from across the room
and I heard it tap on its little tap shoes
into me, and it was like so big, and I
have a picture of it under a cup. Anyway, are
you kidn't get up on its little hind legs and
come at you? It did. It did a little time

(06:58):
step for me. It di little day and then a
little sort of break the exactly. I can't kill them
because they're so big and crunchy, so I like, well
see if they suffocate under a cop I was out
of town for a couple of weeks. I left one
under a cople I feel like I should feel guilty
about this, and it's not a pleasure. And this is

(07:22):
so much more than I was hoping. He won't come.
My landlord won't come. I've been texting him. That's the
part that you know, my landlord, please get him to
come here. Oh sure, that's what we can do. And last,
but the pedal to the groin. If you think of lease,
it's Joey Greer and knuckle Dick. Please, that's a monics.

(07:45):
I don't know who the monicer is, but it made
me giggle. Any true story from a cruise ship trip.
I used to go on cruises all the time from
Miamis and souft for major hub for cruise ships and uh,
any kind of water sport, and it's it's a lot

(08:07):
of these um different like what's it called? What's going on?
I thought of a cruise ship as being a water sport.
I'm just that they're they're like on cruise ships, there
are pools, there are slides, and also smaller, tinier, tinier
boats inside the ship that then you can go out

(08:28):
and actually get into the water. Because a lot of
people don't realize this. You're on a cruise ship. It's
not a normal size boat. It's really tall, and you
might want to jump into the water off of a
cruise ship. Go ahead. I'm not a doctor, but I'll
tell you this. You hit the water jumping off of
a cruise ship, it's like hitting electricity. Okay, so just
be very mindful of that. But if you jump off

(08:49):
a boat that's normal size and you hit the water,
it's like a little tiny pillows. So that's the biggest
difference I can give you on that. But so a
lot of this, but but so there's a lot of
these different sailing clubs and like you know, hey, guess what,
we gotta put the kids in some kind of summer
camp and like you know, we'll do some do some
kind of water sports. Actually are for when I was
growing up in the neighborhood, we would work the cruise ships.

(09:12):
So our summer camps were going to work the cruise
ships and we would have to come on as guests.
But then we got to open water, we were employees.
Suggested you gathered from your listener emails or if you
want to see video of what's happening right now, and
let me tell you the Patreon members who get to
see this video there I can tell by their emails,

(09:33):
so happy with the insanity. For example, right now we're
getting James as if he's in a Stephen King novel
come to life. The visual of him is so haunting
and disturbing. I'm not allowed to plug my lights in,
so I have led no, don't ruin it with the reasons, please,

(09:53):
the visual is too good to have any sort of explanation.
So if you want to head on over the patron
dot com slid sh algive me this. You can support
the show and see the video. If you'd like to
submit a scene suggestion via email, I would encourage you
to write us at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com.
It's ALcom. This email at my mom. Scene one comes

(10:17):
from patron v I P. Philip, who wrote, dear Lovely Alchemists,
I'm just testing your new email. Even though I am
a Patreon member. My last scene suggestion was apparently shited,
but I take no offense. I still love you, maybe
even more so. My new scene suggestion is also inspired
by real life. It comes from a story my Irish

(10:38):
friend mentioned while reminiscing his childhood. All boys Catholic School
and all girls convent or Convent School across the road.
They have to take the same bus to and from.
There is a lot of tensions. P s. I still
want Joey to tell us who's Limo? Take care? We've

(11:02):
We've done this one, Phil and fuck you. I didn't
want to be the one to break it. I wasn't
sure until the slim O came out. I was like,
I was like, we might have done this. Okay. It
was good though, it was thank thank you Phil and
we'll begin based on anything. I just let's just go.

(11:26):
Let's go, let's walk through exactly. Let's go, let's go.
I have a reservation for us, okay, but they haven't
showed up, can I can? I see, let's go take
a place. Yes, here you go. I was trying to rush.
I see the problem. I see the problem. This is
for tomorrow, Bud, No, that can't be right. I bought

(11:47):
that reservation from a gentleman named Slimo. I don't know.
I guess we're next on this guy with the Slimo. No, no, don't,
don't rush up on me. I no, no, take the time, pal.
I heard the guy say it's tomorrow, but go ahead
and rush it out. Okay, okay, hold on, do you
say you bought this from slim Out. Yeah, he was
scalping reservations outside. Okay, come here, come here. Yeah, look,

(12:09):
I need you to go into the back room. Okay,
and tell the men who are in there everything you
know about this gentleman the back room. Just okay, just
go right behind me, take this ticket back. I need
to take my kids and my wife up here. I'd say,
I'd say, leave your kids and wife here. We'll just
make sure they don't go anywhere, of course not. I'm
telling you this size bread has got to go next

(12:31):
to this kind of size bread. It just makes your
organizing back. You're easier, you know what? When my only thought,
and you can correct me if I'm wrong, and and
also correct me if I'm not wrong, is I would
like the bread in in how what's the word I'm
looking for? Exactly? Horizontal? And and and right now they're

(12:52):
laid out vertically and I don't see a way. I
don't see a excuse me, excuse me, bread ship mintser
in the front. Okay, we're organizing back here. I was told,
oh that's right. Well, thank god. I was confused because
I thought there was gonna be a different scenario. I
was supposed to go tell the guys in the back
room everything, every anything about any subject. Right now, let

(13:16):
me feel you in at the beginning of the story,
I forgot my anniversary. Uh he buried the lead. And
my right, he buried the lead. What's going on? What
mean you forgot your anniversary? How long are your relationship?
It's been I mean I have kids, so that's how long.

(13:37):
I mean? I mean, I mean, once again, you buried
the lead a second time. Oh, but this is a
fancy restaurant. So I figured out come. I just see
if I can hold on. I got some question may
before we just jump in, I mean, don't don't you
know what I mean? If there's too much bread in
this story? You know what I mean. But it's a
bread joke. We do bread jokes. Let me let me

(13:59):
laugh the door before you finish up with your questions.
Hold on, door locked again, Door locked again. Okay, I
have verbally locked. We do need to fix that verbal
luck because it's jumping all over the place. You know,
it's what was the word I'm looking for Scotland horizontal? Horizontal?

(14:20):
It is horizontally incapacitated the lock to go ahead with
your story, sir? So when I pulled up it was clear.
On a second I answer some questions before we get
into the bread of it, and we do bread jokes
pretty pretty good. I ate too much. I had too
many custards, Jennifer, too much? Why did you let me

(14:45):
do it? I don't know. I'm sorry, but you're grossing
me out if you have cusson speaking out of your mouth.
Oh we're public? Were public? PA laid down? Can you
hold Oh god, this is so embarrassing. Don't know, I
got I got two more clusters cheer for you know.
I'm sorry. We don't need Jennifer. I mean we're both Jennifer.

(15:09):
Don't eat it the custard, Sir, Can you rub my
friend's stomach please? I have CALO's hands. I like I
like a little texture. Okay, fine, I need it. It
helps move they find fine. Fine, can we have the
check please? Actually it's been taken care of that that

(15:34):
gentleman over there, Hello ladies right here, I mean sorry,
I am the guy in between who's going to point
to the correct gentleman step away, Hello, ladies, And that
gentleman right over there is the one who took care.
That's great to say, ladies. I hope you enjoy the
medal there. Oh the nice Irish man. Oh yeah, hold on, okay, okay,

(15:58):
I'll rub, I'll rub. Did you just have the custard? Then?
A lot of custard is a hard time knowing her limits.
Here's the tang. If you have too much custard, it's
too much of a good tang. There isn't it? Now?
You paying for it? I feel horrible. I'm supposed to
be listening to my girlfriend. You know, no offense, but

(16:19):
bit I was gonna say bitch about you had a second.
You had a second and you still said bitch. So
for me, I'm rubbing your stomach here. Yeah, I had
a naughty It makes me naughty do bad things because
I had too much. And I'm glad I said over

(16:41):
another round? Then, oh yes, sir, I mean it was
very it was kind of you know, don't send over anymore.
I have to rub her stomach. Can we try her
in a vertical? All right, let's go, let's go. Who's next,
Who's next? Come on, We'll go all day, let's go.
This is a fancy restaurant. Is is our daddy? Come
coming back? Oh? You want one second? What's going? It's everything? Okay,

(17:07):
where's my husband? It's okay. He bought a reservation. He
bought a reservation. Man. What's your name, Brianna? Brianna. Maybe
you don't want the kids to hear this. If you
want to just come here first, I'll just all whisper
in your ear. Your husband has had interactions with a

(17:27):
very dangerous individual, and there are men in the back
who are here to handle this. Situation. Unfortunately, you will
not be dining here tonight because he bought illegal reservations
for tomorrow. Are you on your dad getting that close
to our mom and kissing her ear like that? Are
you gonna I wasn't kissing. I wasn't kissing. I wasn't

(17:48):
kissing her. So that's the whatever. I don't think I
need to be strapped to this chair. I'm gladly going
to tell you somebody. You forget reservations, you forget anniversaries.
We're gonna make sure that you remember these important things
because this this is your life man, From this moment

(18:10):
only you have the opportunity to advance yourself. That's right,
I haven't. I haven't denied any of your questions. I've
ansted that has just seen one. We're gonna stop on
everyone's favorite. We should have to stop for two hours
on this one. There's no there's no uh, there's not

(18:35):
a camp be a step beyond anisthird scene too comes
from listener to Koe, who wrote, Hey, Alchemy, this team,
I hope you're all staying safe. I'm always excited for
Tuesdays and Thursdays, when the newest episode arrives in the feed.
You're all easily my favorite improv team. I'd like to

(18:59):
know some other teams that he likes, wouldn't you, guys,
Just to really get a handle, Suggestion Area fifty one.
Intern Accidentally, let's the alien escape all the best kale. Alright,
So which knobs did you say you pushed? I pushed
Bhu followed, followed quickly by do not be di a

(19:24):
instead of doing yeah, yeah, I pushed it. Oh boy,
all right, okay, well now I see what's going on.
So how long did you say you've been working here?
About fourteen? Okay, then, um, maybe this is an older
process that you're following. I'm only aware of the last twelve.

(19:48):
Uh and in the last twelve it's not it is
a dial. It's not a push, right right right, so
you kind of push everything. Look alive, gentlemen, look alive.
All right. The hut, it's a hut. Okay, listen up.
We got the general coming down there. You can do

(20:09):
a couple of inspections, all right on the X project. Hush, hush,
no one say what that is. Alright, So it's a
raise of hands over here. I see that hand and
I acknowledge it. I have figuratively shipped to be it.
I pushed, I pushed down. I pushed the doll instead
of turning it. And I have released what I could

(20:32):
sit off. Oh, here all on earthing here of processes.
Because what you're saying, the way you're saying, is very calm,
and it's very soothing. But what I don't believe in
getting excited my my phone. I don't believe I ever
got excited. I mean, you don't believe. Look, look, little guy,
I understand you're pointing all behind me. You're pointing to

(20:53):
the cigarettes. You're pointing to the pornography magazines. But unless
I see some idea, you're not getting anything. Man, give me,
give me look, okay, you want to all right, all right, jeez,
by the way, I like your fit man, the cool clothes.

(21:13):
Give me cigarettes. No, see, I can't do that. I
can't do that. Holdt how old? Wait? Why am I
getting so cold? Are you looking? Oh? Sarettes? Huh um, Stephan.

(21:36):
I'm so sorry to tell you this, but Hank, uh
Hank exploded it at the gas station. What Hank Hank
exploded it at the gas station? You are do I
need to go clean it up? No? No, I wouldn't

(21:57):
wouldn't go check that up. But we we all it's
get together. Yeah, we're getting some Powerball tickets. So if
that that might help with the house. Do I need
to pick him up? I need to come home going
to different He m his head look microines hope that

(22:24):
sometimes he goes lin in the middle of set. Okay, Martin,
I went over the video of you explaining the stuff
of what happened. Yeah, as a grief counselor, he certain
things that you're gonna have to start. I don't know.
Doing better is the way I would crazy. She's she's distraught.

(22:51):
She's also something that I like to call upset. I
need you to get back over there and try to
calm her down. You got it, Hey, I'm sorry. So
the gig is just following this guy and filming him
delivering bad news is just like for a gag show.
But I don't know stef no, No, he's a grief councer,

(23:12):
and I thought it would be interesting and helpful to
him for someone to follow him around and fill them
him fill hm him doing what right. I'm an award
winning documentary filmmaker and this is the oddest request. So, honey,
take the job. Okay, you need it, Michael Moore, he
could you could do this? You know what, She's always right,

(23:35):
which is weird and mostly annoying, but it's a fact
she's always right. So the answer is yes. Um uh
so definitely. Hello, it's me again. Uh like my arms

(23:58):
are just embodied from my whole body. I just fee
out of control. Calm down, Calm down. Okay, your husband exploded.
Calm down, Calm down. Okay he's gone. Calm down. I
already gave you the scratches. What check check that Everyone

(24:20):
in my family no one's answering it, and I don't
know are they exploded to are they Let's just assume.
Let's just assume there a little fella, see you hit
checking here on the side of the road. I got
room for one more in this eighteen will if you
want to hop on up. I want to drive, all right,

(24:40):
don't be crazy. I have a seat where you headed
to drive. That's my girlfriend in the back. She's taking
a nap. Don't wake her. But if she wakes up
the drive Okay, alright, look alive, people, look alive. All right.
Let's see here. Now, if we get these pillows together

(25:02):
and some of this bread will be able to mock
up what might look like the alien was supposed to
be in the streamer. Okay, so we'll just put this
over there. You know, I gotta say. We're always in
our different offices. But the General's coming. The General's coming, Okay, Okay.

(25:22):
If he says something to me, don't, don't, don't. The
General is a woman. I don't see people below the well,
you said, he, I don't see people waiting to come
in as soon as my trumpet solo is done. I
refused to walk into a room when the music has

(25:44):
not been played to the end. Do do? Do? I
love what you did with that? That was really some
beautiful stuff. Attention then, ch okay, yes, as I want

(26:06):
to make clear to everyone, as I always do every
time I enter a room, I am a woman. I
am a female general. Some of you don't, yeah, I
see a hand general. I don't look at people. I
don't know if you have titties, and it does not matter.
I don't even know what sex I am. I have
a look down in yield. I understand, and thank you

(26:26):
for saying that. I do actually happen to have both
a titties and penis on my chest. Um, that's just
something about me. So okay, So I'm here to talk
about project x highly um confidential project, and I am
looking to uh see if you've made any progress with

(26:47):
the subject x Yes, uh some project, some projects, Yes,
we have the project so um. So it looks like
the Speciman has formed a pillow like body and bread
like arms. And if if we're gonna if we take

(27:12):
a closer look here, we'll notice that's in some kind
of statius shock. I look, it looks like there's three
French rolls in a bad yet. Look it isn't that
crazy the shapes in there. That's not the that's not
x um. I guess it's time for me to Hey,
little man, you looking for a good time. I got

(27:34):
this big, big good time. Don't you just let me
into this big old truck and we can have a
big old you know, no, what a big old what
you know? No? I have never been taught a big
what a big old good time? Okay, I like good times?

(27:59):
Is that a woman back there? There's a woman there,
she's sleeping. Don't wake her up. Okay, wait, Jennifer, wait,
so your boyfriend exploded too, Yes, and then you woke
up to wild alien like intercose intercourse, or did you
wake up to a woman fucking bread and a pillow?

(28:22):
It's al this, lord, I don't know what else to
tell you. It looked like a woman who was fucking
a bunch of bread, right, ladies, And here's two more
custards custard. This is gonna help you eat the custard, Jennifer, Ladies. Ladies,
the man, the man over there has asked me to
tell you that he wants you to have more custard.

(28:46):
What do you want. I'm not here to get anything, ladies.
I just noticed she could use some custard. It helps,
it does my tears. She's all right, who's next? Oh slim,
Oh I've had reservation. Yeah, no, of Hey, okay, look

(29:11):
you're in a lot of trouble man, No, no, keep
it on the down law. I'm not injurious. I just
want to have good times cigarettes pornography. I'm slim. Oh okay,
not a scene too, Thank goodness, it is finally established.

(29:35):
Oh man, happy days. Scene three. Peyton v p To
wrote you slie, son of a gun. I know you
chose my scene. While Chris was hosting Just to make
me look like a fool since I specifically greeted you
and or Cole. Of course, I'm kidding. I can't imagine

(29:58):
you have the time to plan these things out so perfectly. No,
we we We've shown proof of that a little earlier.
So let's try this again. Hey, how chemist seeing suggestion
is Wednesday? Carry on, Toby, hmmm, uh? Could we just
have the next um, let's see, let's go with an

(30:21):
actress this time. Uh? Those are those of you actresses
who have the sides? Please if you signed in already,
just trying to mix it up a little between the
actors and actresses. So let's go with an actress. Whichever
one of you is ready. Now, I'm gonna take you
into Anyboddy. Hey, buddy, I don't know how many times

(30:42):
I told this. You gotta get the hell out of
this McDonald's. Okay, stop coming in here and treating like
it's a goddamn audition. Okay, either get Do you want
to be in the film? Do you want to be
in the film? Buddy? I keep hearing this all the time.
You're some kind of famous a director. I could be
the director of the film. You seem to have a
good story, tative, you know what, fucking fucking I'm the

(31:03):
director today, let's do let's do today today. I'm the director,
let's do it and action. I'm the director. What do
my what do you want me to do? I want
to say, I'm not a lady, but I am ready
right now for my audition and I already bought food.
So great. This is the director, so he'll be saying

(31:24):
McDonald I'm a director. Oh come on, I'm not working
with Welcome to Burger King. Can I can I get
your artists? Sir? Yeah? Is your Whopper Wednesday? It's Whopper Wednesday? Sir? Yes, sir,
will you exclaise me, please hurry up, and artist, I
have an audition at the McDonald's, but you please hurry

(31:45):
out just quickly. Then you tell me the details of
the special of Wopper Wednesdays. Well, first of all, the
bappa is of course, hold took a hole to let
the special artists. Don't forget us how we asked. Let's
serve it your way, and then details a Wapper Wednesday
as you get a oper and we'll have it your way.
There's all. It comes with one fry. So now you
get to choose with that fries on the left or

(32:06):
the right side of the trade when I bring it
out to Okay, I'll tell you one whopper right side front,
please right, one whopper right side fry. Thank you, thank you.
So you have an excellent square jaw on you as well.
If I was you, I would get out of here
when I do and go o without a McDonald's fillers.
Huh fillers you mean in your jaw, cheeks and my chin.

(32:29):
Oh that looks the nine wrenches pop. But it's worth it,
I think. Look at me. Do me a favor. I'm
gonna slide you a napkin right on the name of
your doctor and off position so that I may see
them myself. Okay, there it is. There you go, doctor Lucastoc.

(32:49):
Is that that is a you? Right, Lucasto, Lucasto, Thank you. Tony.
I need you to talk to me in the back
office really quick, just uh read it? Would you? Would
you fill at the front desk? Tony? You take the register.
I need to talk to Tony in the back yea,

(33:09):
you heard him. You take that front desk at the register. Okay,
Tony Kimmer shut the tour behind you. Hold on do
it door lock? Thank you? Did you just request a
phone number? Yes, yes, I did. I have no shame

(33:29):
in my game. I am so sick of this. You
only care about your acting career. You come in here
all day. I've heard about you're gonna and then you're
hit non customers getting their phone numbers. You know what,
I would give me that apron. You're done here. I'm
nothing without my apron. You know that. Give me that apron. Apron.

(33:52):
You're gonna have to look on it. It's the front
desk at the Burger Davis is Oxide High. We have reservation. Uh, Thompson's, Thompson's.
We got your way suite. I thought I was working

(34:15):
the register. Friends, which one checking us in? I'm just
so excited, Mike, I don't work here, all right, sir.
We got the two cars to blow up when every
you call action. We couldn't get stunt people, but we
got the high school football team here. I'm a director.
Let's do it. Okay, that's okay, alright, alright, sounds good. Um,

(34:39):
you do have one more audition. You should be here
in two minutes. That's old. Who Hey, I'm sorry. I
had to fight a man for apron, But I'm ready
to go. Now. My name is Frank. I am an actor.
I'm ready to audition for your movie. And I'll just
be in a the media. Oh yeah, so audition. Let's
do it. Yeah, let's go from the top. Do you

(35:01):
need the same partner? You want someone to read with you? Yes?
I do? Okay, great, earl? You want to do this?
Oh god, so sorry? My name is also well yeah,
but if you're one of the high school kids, why
would he why? Why? Why don why don't we do this?
Why don't you two acted out and the person I
think I acted the best you can be. That's good.

(35:24):
I'm just gonna sit and why I don't let you
know that I don't do dramas for nerds. I'm a
football player. Okay, great, whatever, all right, so let's uh,
let's go from the top. All right, Earl, you can
go first. Thank you. We'll work together, right, we're doing
it together? Yeah, I mean you can. I'll say the
first line, okay, I'll oh man, I love to eat

(35:48):
these burgers. That was sorry, I'm breaking That was great.
I don't And it's not nerdy. What you've got is no,
it's nerdy. It's nerdy and it's okay, then just read
the second one. Let's see. Let's just see. Okay, so
you read the first line first in Okay, Oh man,

(36:09):
I love these burgers. Yeah, well that's because you're a
piece of ship. Oh my god, that's so good. Director.
I don't think I think he wouldn't. Well, I didn't
really get to hear your father. I have a confession
to make, my son. I'm sorry, the two fathers in
the fathers, I have a confession to make two fathers. Wednesday.

(36:35):
I was first of all, y'all know me from my job.
Normally you'll come in and get that special all the time.
But today I looked into the face of oblivion when
I met an actor who was just a football player
who had more charterism than I am. What was he
an actor or a football player? Yeah, that's the that's
the whole point. You can't both, especially the high school.

(36:58):
If you're a school, you have to choose. That's what
I thought right before play going in my mouth, because
I thought I had seen it all. I O. J.
Simpson was both. Of course, he had that third talent
as well, the stabbing thing, but he was a football
player and quite the actor. Yeah, but I'm talking about

(37:19):
I'm talking about high school. Father's getting here, Father's getting
in here. So, as you know, we've been having a
film crew follow you confession. Um, there's a cardinal in
the room. Show respect. Let's get the sign of the Cross.
One two, okay, now, as you know, yeah, for for
educational purposes, we've been filming what's going on in the confession.

(37:42):
What was that O G thing? Dude? If I made
the film and confession sounds like counterproductive, I like it. It
It keeps us accountable and uh and I was just
trying to relate to the bloke then, Yeah, by making
an association with O. J. Simpson? Is that right? Was

(38:04):
it the stabby part? Did that? Was that what set
you off? Gardiner? Yeah, it's what set me off, not
me off. This tape is CCTV goes directly to the
Pope's desk. Can I give my my two cents please?

(38:26):
That's just what I'm talking about. It feels like you
should have taken a vow of povertive, so you shouldn't
let the father speak every Everyone's trying to fight me.
I feel like I'm getting in fights in the confessional
with this Papa, I'm getting in fights with what do
you the director of this scene? Yeah, the director of
this scene. I feel like everyone's out to get me

(38:48):
and I'm just trying to be a good Catholic. I hear,
I hear. All right, how about this? Why don't we
all just relax a second? It's whopper Wednesday. I maybe
I can call a pole, I can call the Pope.
You have your way left it right, it's up to you.
When we hop in the church fan it's a little old.
The brakes aren't what they used to be, but it'll

(39:10):
get us there. We have a caller for one of
the cardinals America and they want to know if it's
okay if they use the Vatican card on a summer looking.
They just want to confirm that it's okay. Is it okay?
It's okay? Okay, I don't know. Well, before you go,

(39:32):
I have had a question for you. Okay, and two
two rows in the version of yellow Wood, I'm sorry
I could not take a both. Would you want to
do what? Probably the one most to travel, the most
travel by. That's a good thing, okay, okay, thank you? Hello,

(39:54):
And that's a that's a wrap. Everybody give it up
for all the players. Huh. Really good production, am I
the director? Yeah, but you gotta get back to your shift.
That's right. He's got a good point there, stand I
gotta go so, um listen, today, I think we saw
a lot of talent emerge. Frankly, some of you thought

(40:18):
this was dumb. You did great performances. Yeah, I think
I did think it was dumb the whole time. I
was just want to say, like, I know you came
saying this, earl. Oh no, my papa's here, supposed to
be up there hitting that tree that I taped the
mattress around. Sir, before you scream, can I show you

(40:39):
a daily um? Can I show you a quick snippet
of the work your son has done today that you're
talking about? You trying to give me ecstasy? Just just
watch this monitor, please, I'll press plane now. Yeah, I wait,
it's so I It's just a two lines, but I'm
just gonna keep kind of going. Oh, sorry, my funker

(41:03):
was stuck on something slimming. Stop there. Oh my god,
what you say? Oh my god, that's also beautiful. I
didn't I didn't know you had that in earl. I'm
so sorry. I was a bad day. You're not a
bad dad, dad. Oh my god. Yeah, looking for James. Um,

(41:28):
I don't know that how to pronounce your last name?
It looks like Franklin. I'm looking for Earl's dad. Yeah,
that's me. Hi. Uh by the wa Hi Gary Anthony Williams,
Hollywood actor. I know your voice. Most people know my face,
not much, not much on the voice. I'm pretty famous. Uh,

(41:48):
your son Earl. I did a enacting job recently. Uh.
It involved something at a burger not None of this
is important. What I'm here to tell you is that
O J. Simpson you saw your son Earl doing this
acting job? Yeah, Oh Joe. I don't know if you

(42:10):
know this about O. J. Simpson. He is a very
stabbing man. O J. Simpson wants to kill your son Earl.
And I didn't know the best way to put this.
As a black actor, I felt it necessary to tell you.
Oh my god, I don't know what to do. Uh

(42:31):
do I let it happen. That's That's why I'm here
with you, just to let you know what's up with
this film crew? What did the hello is this? I'm
just I'm just an actor. I'm trying to keep it.
I'm going to keep it going till o J gets
You don't say that those words. I wanted to talk

(42:51):
to you. I was, actually I was at the Burger King.
I'm a primethespian. Um I'm in you guys didn't really
utilize me, but um. I was wondering if I could
sing a song at Earl's funeral. Listen, Uh, this is
burger King. That filming is going on McDonald's. Okay, I

(43:16):
am so sick of that's beans. Rita, come here, Rita,
I need you to take this. No no please, no
no no no no no no no jesus, I'm shy.
I'm shy. Listen. I don't know who Earl died. Earl, Yeah,
he's a football player and also actor, which was really

(43:36):
confusing for us, as it doesn't work like that. You
can't do both. You can't get burger king guy and
and actor. You can't. Yeah, you're right either way. They
are filming his funeral, So I wanted to sing a song.
I mean, you could practice here, but the funeral's not here.
This is burger King. That horrific accident. Uh that was

(43:59):
the mcdonald'sing. Oh, I don't I don't want to be here.
Then I don't want to be here. You got a
word or something, and the Oscar goes to please be
a little dog, Please be a little dog, Please be
the little dog. I'm going a little dog to be
little dog, little dog, little dog. God from a little dog.

(44:43):
Dog is the director Randall's slaveman? Oh my gosh, is
he here? Randall couldn't be here because he's working a
shift at McDonald's, but he wanted to say that the
inspiration he drew from this guy. No, he's the same

(45:09):
guy the envelope right now, this speech Randall tell you
to say that he who this No, wait, don't don't
get everybody haven't seen this is the this is the
actual Oscars. Well a little bit of face. That was

(45:31):
what happened out there, man, which we were going so good,
just like every I was so nervous because like we
pretended that this is the Oscars, the whole cart everybody.
I'm sorry to interrupt you, guys. The ratings just came in.
That was the biggest Oscars ever. What are you talking about?
The ratings just came in from the show just now.
Number that was that was the highest numbers ever ever

(45:53):
seen like it's a bad thing. That's a bad no. No, no,
no no no. If some of you say the best,
biggest are the best, that's a good thing. Yeah yeah,
So what are you kidding? So what are you kidding at? Exactly?
But you guys just had the highest rated oscars ever.
I don't understand what? What? What? What I'm saying? Well,
what do you what do you want to do to us?
What does what do you want from us? Hold on

(46:14):
just one second on to call somebody? Baby? Can you
hear me? Hello? Baby? Can you know? I tried to
tell him it's the biggest, in the best. I'm in
I'm in the room with them now. I told him
what you said, it's the biggest and the best oscars ever.
And they don't understand what I'm saying. I use the
superlatives people, But what tone of voice are you using?
Are you? Now? Some people tune little dog, little dog

(46:36):
over here, little dog over here, little dog over here,
over here? Is it true? Is it true that you
got a lot of your acting inspiration from Earl? Look, buddy,
this is a park. Okay, you want to come and
talk to my dog? Feel free? I don't care. Thank you? Yeah,

(46:57):
and I used to want to get in the holly.
What I used to think that was my dream? You
know your four heads bleeding? Sir? Yeah, football injury, but
it's currently bleeding. Yes if I just played football and
uh yeah, I just didn't know. I just thought, you know,
maybe maybe maybe they should maybe you should put up
put up the acting way said the hell they're cat.

(47:19):
Hey baby, there's a football player with the hemophilia. Hi guy,
how are you? I got hemophilia? So you know, I
just I just I just say, hey, you're out there asking,
you're asking the right questions. You're part of the business man.
I just want to say I love it. They keep
it going, all right. Sorry, I'm so sorry. There was

(47:40):
a hawk that just came down and it picked up
your dog and it ran away. I'm so sorry. I
didn't know how to stop it. Oh my god. Okay,
So what I understand actually happened was the dog died
via hawk, but the owner died via bleeding out from
a very small laceration on his forehead. Is a human

(48:00):
Philota player? Yeah yeah, so there's no clotting to be done.
What I'm asking you is can I sing funeral? I've
got something. Let me just call my but let me
call my buddy at McDonald's. I think he's calmed down.

(48:20):
Hello James, Jimmy, are you there. I can't get him.
I'm sorry, you can't sing McDonald's. Let me try my
buddy at Wendy's. Hello. Yeah, the young lady who promises
she has a stellar voice. There's been more death since
she liked to sing at all. I'm not said stellar.

(48:49):
Pardon me that as long as the stellar I can guarantee,
I can personally guarantee you, I'll send her over to
your place. I have the connection for you. Everybody, Thank you,
Thank you for being here at this occasion. It's a
sad day. Obviously this is a cemetery. Well yeah, but

(49:19):
it doesn't have to be a place of sadness. Why not,
Why it seems like a good place to be, said,
you would think, So, what if I told you we
had a stellar singer? Good if I told you? No,
I'm what if I told you she's got a direct

(49:40):
line to and she sings to him every night? Now?
What have I told you? She's here with us today?
Makes some noise something something something something here? She Yes,

(50:03):
I just want to make some clarifications before I start.
She's gonna sing, she's gonna sing, but maybe it let's
tell her and maybe she doesn't know the pope. And
I'm more more bring a theatrical aspect. I just want
to click before you sing that my boyfriend and my
dog the most important things outside of hearing someone soon,

(50:28):
so you're gonna be able to clothe the wound that
I don't know what'd ever been healed without singing. Okay, great,
thank you, respondle little Steven bake. Okay, And because it

(50:52):
is Wednesday, the reception will be held at Burger King
where you can have one fry on the other the
left with the right. And that's our show, I hope.
So that is our show for today. H fuck, take
me home and make me stink. All right, let's tank

(51:14):
all of our Alchemy show. We're starting with Caroline Connor.
I'm so happy, yeah, because that was funny. Thank you
for being here. How's the Connor core look? I don't know,
I don't know. It's really going good, better than I

(51:37):
could have ever dreamed. Ah, that makes sense. This is
a podcast we're talking about, folks, are to our listeners,
and you should all just go check it out immediately
and thank you Caroline for being here. Thank you. Speaking
of other podcasts on the side, Mr Chris Alvarado, God

(51:57):
that was so much fun. Yes me, I am the broccoli.
So much fun. Yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yea yeah.
Check out the Comedy Fix if you want to like
question is like is what we're doing anything? And it's
so fun to listen to you guys sort of get
to the core of your darkest fears while talking about comedy,

(52:21):
getting to the coutter core. Nice. I don't carry Anthony,
will you? How's it going on the thing you're filming
that your may or may not be able to talk about. Well,
I finished filming that one thing that I'm going to
go film another one. Yeah you are yeah, um yeah hey.
But if you want to hear my throat make sounds,

(52:43):
there's a new cartoon called The Harper House that's coming
out soon. Harper House, The Harper House. So where my
folks find it on the on the place, google Harper House,
Get off my get off my job, I get it.
Jackie Gonzalez de Ruthie, thank you so damn much. Thank you,

(53:04):
what a good time. Right you're out of the room
with the never used exercise bike or actually in the room. Um,
but I usually faced the other direction. But basically there
were lawnmowers, so I just made myself into a little cave.
Oh nice, Well, thank you for being here, and thank
you for bringing the cave than anything you'd like folks

(53:28):
to know before you know me. I'm at Jack to
Ruthie and if you're on Instagram while you're there, God
bless Jim Chum is really making me laugh on his stories.
My god, I'm so happy that he's wasting his time
on TikTok because it's helping me waste my time watching.

(53:49):
And naturally she's talking about the Joey Greer Joey, what
the fuck I mean, that's exactly what's going on me,
Jack thinking so much. I am on TikTok now had
God bless Jim Chum. I kept it cohesive, kept it easy,
doing duets, acting crazy. It's it's really surreal that these
are available. There's no way to explain it. There is,

(54:13):
but I refuse to. But check check it out on Instagram.
Check out alchemy This on Instagram, check out alchemy this
pod on Reddit. And you know what, if you're like, hey,
maybe maybe I want to look on the screen on
my laptop. Check out game front dot com. Out that's
a giver, James Heeney. Yeah, game front dot com is

(54:34):
probably where you'd want to get any mods for video
games if you're looking to spice up an old library
of games. But on YouTube at game front you can
see videos of me playing games beautiful. Let's thank your
engineering producer of the stars Mr Bean five folks that
I hurt media and thank you all very much. Um

(54:59):
your host Kevin Paulic asking you to be kind to
each other. It's the easiest route and the shortest distance
to happiness for all. Until next time.