All Episodes

April 28, 2022 55 mins

Irrationally angry at minor inconveniences.

Small Town grocery store clerk reads too much into items customers buying.

Door to door salesman named Hungry.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Mark as Played
Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Well, come back to another episode of your host Kevin
p Like, Yes, that Kevin Polo that contrary to modern belief,
you should not, in fact put the line in the coconut.
But I digress. Let's meet it, should I wait, in
no particular order, looks quickly checking with Gary Anthony Williams
for his driving etiquette tips. Captain, First of all, God

(00:24):
and disagree with the line in the coconut, even though
I know medically you're not supposed to. I will literally,
literally never ever have coconut without the line insured it
forcibly inserted into it. Driving tips, Uh, do what I do.
As soon as I buy a new car, I rip
off the rear view mirrors and the side view mirrors

(00:46):
because I'm not a dude who looks in the past.
Don't right. I will never look in the past. I
don't care what's back there. Look forward, straight ahead, a
little to the side, just a little, just to let
him know you you can't. Yeah, And to help people.
Sometimes I take a ball peen hammer, never a hook hammer,
just a regular ball peen and I go break people,

(01:07):
uh side view mirrors, just so they're not tempted to
look back. Don't be tempted folks. That's all he's trying
to say. And now, please welcome back Jackie gonzalat the
Ruth Jackie, never Jacqueline. When you travel by air, what
is the most important item you must have with you? Gosh? Um,
I'm gonna say headphones. Uh. Yes, I have been in

(01:31):
that position where I'm like, I don't have or like
and you need the plug in headphones because if my phone,
I don't want to look at my program on my
little tiny phone. I want to watch the program on
the TV in front of me. Ah, you still have
a little tiny phone. And she watched his programs my program. Hey,

(01:57):
look there's James Cheney, Jango and Jimmy. What's that thing
you always do before you fall asleep at night? Well,
I guess I guess it's it's just doom scrolling through
Netflix possibilities and never settling on something like and then
I'll Usually my favorite thing to fall asleep to is

(02:19):
Neil deGrasse Tyson in the universe. Um, I'd like to
try to mix it up. And I spend so much
time just looking instead of choosing. I have an indecision
problem something. Oh yeah, usually, and it's usually a documentary,
because otherwise it's gonna be something I care about. Like

(02:40):
I just finished Severance, which I love the show, but
it's like you gotta stop before you're falling asleep, so
you don't ruin an episode for yourself. Yeah, like crazy,
you guys don't do that. No, No, you're not crazy.
Too many people I would say, do it. Look over there,

(03:00):
it's cold Strappon. Hello, America's pastime celebrator. In less than
eleven words, what are the Detroit Tigers chances this year?
They are actually pretty darn good to compete in the division? Yeah?

(03:20):
Wait a minute, hold on, that was eleven word? Yeah,
I asked Kevin Pollock, did you say less than eleven?
I said lesson? So yeah, the guy at the grocery store. Look,
I go to that the item, So yeah, he's that guy.
I just needed everyone to know it. And last, but
no more rollos for you. If you think of leaves,
it's a tool. Sing Mastro's enthusiasts. What sides would you

(03:44):
like with your steak tonight? Uh, I'm big broccolini if
they have it. If it's a fancy steakhouse, Broccolini, I'll
take broccoli as well, mushrooms okay, sure, potatoes, any kind
of potatoes. You can scalp him, you can mash them,
it doesn't matter. I'll take him on the side. Um,
doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah, I'll take potatoes anyway. Um a

(04:06):
chef choice. If if I can say that too, wha
what then if he if they agree with that statement,
then I'll go with it. Thank you for most of that.
Let's do a damn show. All of our scene suggestions
are gathered from your listener emails or from our Patreon
v I p s. What's that Well to become a

(04:26):
patron support of the show in joy exclusive content like
standalone bonusing videos of our recording sessions, or at the
highest level of support alcomaniac, we will have you in
a zoom with us, as in right now. Yeah, we've
had several and already it's been amazing. We'll have more. Um,
I'm gonna say as early as next week. Don't push

(04:48):
it's not good for anyone. Head on over the patroon
dot com slash I can be this. If you'd like
to submit a scene suggestion by email, please right to
the podcast that are new not no longer new, but
our email address alcomy this email at gmail dot com.
That's our seen one comes to patron v I P.
Jesse Han or Han, who wrote hello again. One of

(05:09):
my previous suggestions is zen temple next to the pot shop.
Was aired on Mr Alvarado's hosting debut, which was such
a gift. Well done, buddy. I'll pass that along. Unrelated
Joey and Caroline yelling at each other will never not
be funny. Also not here pass that along the suggestion
ah finally, irrationally angry at minor inconveniences. Yes, Jesse, Uh,

(05:38):
do you need all those stamps? Sir? What? What that that?
That that that that depends on your your your definition
of need, sir, That depends on your definition of need.
Whether I need all these stamps? Must I have them? Yes? Okay,
good to know. What about the salad ware? What now

(06:01):
the salad ware? Do I need the salad wear? Let
me hold on, let me let me allow you to
speak to my wife on this, because I am this
close and I don't know if you can see my
fingers from where you're standing this close from slapping the
taste out of your mouth. Honey, honey, m hmmmm, excuse me, babe.

(06:23):
I'm sorry to disturb you in the middle of what
you're doing, but this man had the nerve to ask
me two questions. One do I need the stamps? And
number two do I need the salad? Where do you
want to talk to him? Or should I continue? Did
you let me take care of it? And in the
meantime pin between these two totes? Oh my mama, all

(06:46):
about these totes. Between these two totes. Hello, sir, I
understand that you were talking to my husband who would
like to buy some stamps about salad war. That's right.
My name is Thomas Fur and um, you know we
have various items in the salad ware department. Well, here's

(07:07):
the thing, Mr Fur, Sir, he didn't ask for that,
and you're bringing it up. Is a source subject for
my husband, who's actually spent a lot of time and
effort working on his physique. Ah, and you implying that
he needs salad where it's offensive and hurtful. Maybe I

(07:32):
chose the bluetote. Did you explain to him how offended
and hurt I get by his asking me questions that
apply to my weight? I didn't. I did in a
calm manner. I I felt thank you for your calmness,
and I stand corrected, And how may I be of
service the stamps? Did we did we go far afoot?

(07:56):
Excuse me? You're out of ice at this found machine? Um?
What kind of what kind of establishment are you trying
to run here? All right? Well, we're the Ice Brothers,
and um, this is kind of embarrassing because pride ourselves
on having our fountain things always full of ice. And
that's the thing. Everything at Ice Brothers is cold. Everything

(08:18):
you order here is cold. And now I feel like
your drink will not be cold enough. And which one
of you is Trevor Ice? Oh, I'm Trevor. I'm Trevor.
That makes you Louis Ice? Realis Ice? Yeah? Please call
me Louis. All right, Louis Ice. Let me tell you
I can take my business over to the Ice family

(08:40):
that's across the street. Tell him no, Luise, No, don't
please please do? I mean that's that's that's that's the
big the big ice store. And they say their family,
but they're not. They have lots of funding and they
have they're franchised. And we're just a mom and pop
I shop. Your your mom and pop I stop shop
is what that's our advertising? And if he's the only

(09:02):
I stop shop I go to. Alright, let look up
introduced me to this ice stop shop, sir, come right here.
I understand that you had a situation with Trevor and Lewis.
Yes across the street. Yes, I'm just we're welcome to
our family establishment. Let me explain something. You will never
ever find dissatisfaction here without ice. This is is that

(09:25):
is that one block of ice. There's one block of ice.
Take your shared off, Take your shared off. Um, it's
gonna be cold, I'll be cold. You'll be surprised at
the just slight coolness of eyes. Why am I fighting
this here? You go? Oh yeah, I don't feel much colder,

(09:46):
but I feel cool cool. Look look, I know that
you've probably done ice business for years with Trevor and Lewis.
And I hate to say this, and this is gonna
sound gross, but all of the ice is made out
of their own space. It here. We don't want we
wouldn't do such a thing, you know. They said, And
I don't like to bring up what competitors say, but
they said that you're not a family business. Is that true?

(10:09):
I'm not a family business. Let me get my wife, sir,
hold on, darling, darling, Yes, would you come in here
and explain to this man while I go choose between
these two ice cubemakers, would you explain to him the
familiarity of our business. I put my shirt on before

(10:29):
your wife. Oh no, you don't have to put your
shirt on. I mean it can. It depends on your
comfort level. I'm certainly comfortable with what I'm looking at.
Familiarity yes, well, family, no, no, thank you. I've seen children.
I'm sure it all works out on paper. But we're
not what you call braids, my husband, but you're it's hey,

(10:50):
you're married. That's that's that's that's great, that's that's family.
And I just want to bring my business to a family.
You know, I don't want to wear a family. We
have seven cats, one puppy, and a bird. Bird. Wow. Yeah,
it's a it's kind of a loud bird. I don't

(11:13):
know if you want me to introduce to you. Well,
if i'm here, i'd like to meet them if I'm
gonna give my business to this store. Have you ever
spoken with a bird before? I have not. Oh, this
is exciting, sweetie, sweetie. Uh, this is mr. Oh, so,

(11:34):
I'm sorry, my Ted did Rosie is much much bigger
than I thought. Look at the wingspan. Yeah, sweetie is
a five footer. Sweetie, Ted, say hello to Ted b I. Um,
that's a sweet dad. Wow, it's all right. Do you

(11:58):
have any questions for sweet because I'll take a fourteen
blocks of two inch ice? Sweetie? Do you want to
help with the blocks of ice? Pa? That's a hard pass, um, Carrie.
I called this roommate meeting because I've seen you opening

(12:24):
up the fridge and the freezer, and I've seen you
eyeballing my chicken nuggets. Uh uh, and then today I
go to eat them and they're not there? Oh my god,
what happened to them? You fucking ate them? I didn't, you, liar,

(12:49):
I'm your gaslighting me. Carry, you're gaslighting me. I have
a chicken allergy. It's chicken. You see how much that's
very important to me. I was hungry. It was late
the story. Carry. Do you have an allergy? Or were
you hungry? And I do have an allergy and that's
why my wrists are all read nitchy. I don't think,

(13:11):
I don't think. I don't think this is working out. Please,
please please, I can't afford this. Please for myself. Please
don't leave, Please don't leave time that this has happening.
I swear to myself I would not let it happen again. Okay,
are you too ready to appear in front of Judge

(13:32):
Steve Harvey? Mm hmm, Okay, here we go. Just follow me,
d d and Danton Judge Harvey Show. Just go to
your prospective spots where we showed you during rehearsal. Okay, okay, ladies,
Dorman going now stand up for Judge Harvey. Thank you,

(13:52):
thank god, thank god, thank god. I just got this
new suit. Downtown. They playtiff and the defendant. One is
the plaine defend? Which one is the defend? And I've
been defended because I didn't do what is being accused me.
And I'm upset and I'm upset Steve. She always complains,

(14:15):
so I'm sure she's been complained to. We've been roommates
for two and a half years. Two and a half years.
Just down the drain, Hold on, hold on, just one moment, yo, yo,
I hate hate Timmy. Get my agent on the phone
and get my agent. Yeah, of course, sorry, Hold on, people,

(14:37):
I have Steve Harvey holding for you, right, okay, yeah,
Tecent tempercent okay, yeah, go ahead, sure, sure, put him on.
Thank you, Thank you. Man. Hey, look, I'm in the middle,
like literally, we're taping live right now. The play defended,
defending or standing in front of me live right now.
We're taping live right now. I'm on live right now.

(14:58):
But I wanted to take this more. What to call
you to tell you to get me out of this contract. Man, Look,
you've just got to do three more episodes, Steve, stand,
but I feel like I feel like I've reached I've
reached my level of hearing people complain about the most
insignificant bullshit. No, I get that, Steve. I understand it's
not the dream gig. But you know you've you've hosted shows.

(15:21):
I mean, you've done family a few for twenty three
years now. I mean, this is just three more episodes
of this, Okay, Okay, Okay, I'm gonna go back out there.
I'm gonna try to put my heart into it, but
I gotta tell you, my heart's not in it. My
heart's not in it. In it along, just don't let
that show, Steve, Just don't let it show. Okay, you're

(15:42):
pro did you do a favorite? Could you call Trevor
and Louis ice and have them to bring me over
right now, just to hunk of ice with salt like
a salted ice, hunk like a salt lip for ice.
You gotta, Steve, I'll make that call. That's the only
way I'm gonna get through this man. Yeah, I understand,
I understand. I'll make sure that they think of that
ice to you. Judge. We're still we're still on the air, Judge,

(16:03):
I know we live, right, We'll take them alive, right. Yes,
I've heard your complaints. I understand your complaints. Uh, and
I do not care about your complaints. God that has
seen one, that has seen one, ladies and jews seen two.

(16:25):
Comes from patron VP Ben b, who wrote scene suggest
small time grocery store cashier desperate for gossip reads way
too much into the ordinary items people are buying. You, guys,
are the cats mewing pajamas? Ben, Hey, baby, when you
go to the grocery store, will you just bring back
some so no, please Sweden, they're unsweetened. The unsweetened. I

(16:47):
don't believe in sugar anymore. I literally don't believe that
it exists in it, right, okay? Anything else? No? No? No? People?
How's it going today? Good? Great? I mean I just
came to get one item, so you know, we'll just

(17:07):
to let you know. There is a line that we
do have that is ten items or less you can use.
I know, it's crazy, right, and I didn't want to
do that because why the ten items are less? Line
is wide open. The ten items are less line is
people can go to it. And I'm already first in line.
This is terrific, and how are you? I'm so sorry,

(17:28):
I'm so sorry. Do you mind if I go ahead
of her? Since she could use the open one and
I can't. And I've got all these groceries, So you'd
like to go in front of me with my one
item and your thirty seven items? Because why because there's
a whole line dedicated to people just like you, and
I gotta wait. Anyways, So are you where? If you
had just kept to your peace and cueues, I'd be

(17:50):
long on my way by now. The ten items are less,
line is wide open. In fact, we're now giving away
free groceries if anyone uses our ten item or last line.
I mean, I'm tempted, but I'm already here, and you've
already got my autem in your hand. If you just
go come on so you can see the situation. I mean,

(18:11):
this is ridiculous. Let me go first, No, sir, I'm
just gonna discuss most here first. Four thirty eight, break
the silks, drinking my husband's milk, calling grocery security to
counter three, grocery security to counter three. So you just
wanted this to move along? And look who's taking forever

(18:33):
because of their own insanity? What is your nap? Hey,
what's the problem here? Um? This gentleman was checking out.
I'm Peter, and he was forcibly trying to tell the
silk milk purchaser that he wanted to go first. So
he then ripped the silk milk. Um, that's a low spill.
We now, don't you have cameras and whatnot? Can you

(18:56):
let's go to the video. I've always wanted to say
that you're ripping, You're rip and say milks out of
people's hands. Let me save everybody time. Ten items are less.
Line right there, that was open. That's my crime, that's
my crime. I got into the wrong line. Charleston, Charleston,
I just heard them asking for the They were gonna
want the video of an event that just happened in

(19:16):
the store, and Charleston, I literally forgot to hook up
the video cameras. There's any way you can get in
there and just just we can shoot a fake video
of whatever they think that just happened. That would really
save my ass, really save my job, Charleston, Eric, Frank, Look,
I did one hour film festival one time, and you
were great. I don't work that fast normally. I like

(19:37):
to compose shots. I like to rehearse with the cast
and the crew. I like to do it correct. Here
here in my house, Keith, it means that much to me.
I will let you have my house for the entire
summer and a portion of the fall if you will
do me this one solid. It means a lot, Charleston.
Do you even know what happened? If I had to

(19:58):
reenact this, I need to know. There was something about milk,
and there was a line. There was a line and
there was something about milk. Your work is so amazing.
I'm sure, I'm sure you can fill in the gap.
All right, Frank. Look, I've got a couple, I've got
a little acting troop on speed dial. I'll see if
they're available, if they can come down. Of yes, I
am free, of course I can do it for you.

(20:20):
Is this so we're going to be doing anything from
the board's collection. Uh, this isn't a Shakespeare work. This
is a grocery store re enactment. Perhaps it's not a
Christopher Marlowe thing. Uh, it's not to rang, it's not
Neil Simon. In fact, it's we're going to contemporary. Is
it Neil Simon? I just said it was not Neil Simon.

(20:45):
I'm a listening actor. First I do I apologize for
the error. All right, you're gonna be portraying the customer
with thirty seven items. Uh, customer, I'm married, four kids,
I live in a suburban home, and I've decided today
is the day that i leave my job. But on

(21:06):
the way home, I've decided to get grocery items. You know,
I'm just gonna call Steve instead. But thank you for
being available. Thank you. I'm still equit you. By the way, Great,
this isn't a stage production, so it doesn't Darling. Pick
up the phone. Come on, baby, pick up the phone.
I need that soap. Pick up the phone. So we

(21:26):
need pick up the Hello, where are you with the soap? Milk?
I'm sitting here with a bowl of very dry cheios?
And and they misshapp down at the grocery store. What
kind of mishappened? Well? I was first in line by milk. Okay,
everything was going. Then a truly insane individual came up

(21:51):
behind me and started yelling at me about going out
of line, getting into another Linearly, are you aware of this?
There's a ten items or less. I never heard of it,
never heard of it? So so how long? How long
should I mean? What? What should let me ask? The officer?
Hold on? How long? How much longer will this be? Uh?

(22:16):
In terms of me getting out away home from Sorry,
here's the tape. Here's the tape. Here's the tape of
the incident. Accurate? Okay, yeah, I'll watch. I'll watch the tape.
Do you see me? They're standing at the front of
the line. I see like the back of someone's head.
It's a little different, longer hair, trust me, it's me.

(22:38):
And then the gentleman there's ringing up my one item.
And then I'm not wearing that frilly outfit. Whatever that
thing is around that person's neck that's not me. It's
an ascot at lunatic right in the ascot. Listen, this
is I don't know what to tell you. My job

(22:58):
is hold on coming about an act break. This is
this is good. I did that. Wow. And the Emmy
for Best Actor and a Short goes to Convenience Story
re enactment and Philip Harald say something, say something, Speach,

(23:25):
say something, say something, Philip, feel free to say a
few words. Um. Sorry, sorry, I don't usually get to
speak out loud. The piece was obviously only video, so
I debated doing my work when I was pulling this character.
But if you look closely, I am actually talking. There's

(23:48):
just no audio. And I want to thank the committee,
the the group of well well wait wait wait, I
got it. But there's a lot of people have forbidden
on the stage. Hey, orchestra, I couldn't help, but notice
you're playing people off with the commencement music. Pumping circumstance. Yes, um,

(24:13):
we have a whole catalog of actual songs from TV
and film. Yeah, it's just a pumping circumstances is our favorite.
Al Right, guys, yeah, hey guys, I'm sorry to interrupt
the meeting. Uh have you guys seen the ratings, the
ratings doing up seven thousand percent because of I didn't
get to see the show. By the way, whatever the
music that they were playing last night, seven we hit

(24:35):
the demographic. We finally hit that jackpot demographic. What what what?
What you know? And itways, whatever happened, just keep it going.
I got to go back to the car. Steve Harvey's
out in my car. He's looking at a job change.
He wants to show for me for the rest of
his life. I gotta go. Oh yeah, I had to
hand it to here. I really for me. I thought
that's when the stim when he jumped the shark, But

(24:56):
I guess this when he just found it for real footing. Um,
here's another list of a bunch of traditional songs we
could use green sleeves. Um, there's the thing you play
at weddings, wedding march. Um. I think, hello, hello, hello, yeah,
I'm looking at Mr Pumping Circumstance one moment. Please could

(25:21):
at least have some whole music in here. This is hello, yeah,
Mr Pumping Circumstance. You can call me pump Okay, Yeah,
my name is Philip. See more hofly Philip see more hofly.
Can I call you Philip? Please do? I am an attorney,
I'm a very litigious one. It appears that some of

(25:42):
your music may have been used with and or without
your knowledge, and I would like to represent you. What
do you take? What's your what's your take on this
firm handshake? Is payment enough for me? Is that payment enough?
Yes for me? Okay, So so thank you first of
all very much. Now give me a couple of credits,

(26:05):
credentials previous cases before I take you as a new
lawyer for free. Of course. Of course, have you ever
seen the television show versus I? Have they named the
show because of the legal things that I do in
the courtroom versus? Yes? That was that was you? Yes? Wow, wow,

(26:27):
wow wow wow. Just one more though, just yes? Of course?
Do you remember the seventies when streaking was so popular?
Can I just say I was just discussing this with
my son, trying to explain to him that this actually
took place. Can you believe just the whole generation that
doesn't know? Maybe these four generations, Well, the reason most

(26:47):
of those people were streaking is because literally I had
sued the pants off of them. I'm very good, very litigious, Wow, Hey, Philip,
I couldn't have a notice that you've been passing on
these other pro bono cases to represent music usage without permission. Uh?
There these three. This this guy here was accused of

(27:10):
of of killing his wife. He didn't do it. He
wouldn't take that one. Uh. This, this one here had
his rights violated by an officer. You wouldn't take that one,
touch it. But this you took the one of the
guy who's music was used briefly as playoff on a ceremony. Philip,

(27:32):
There's so many more cases you could take that are
so much more worthy. I don't understand. Did someone use
music when you were a kid that you didn't give
permission for? Is this a personal quest that someone? Uh?
Did someone use music? When are you asking me if
I haven't been hurt music thief? That is exactly what

(27:59):
I'm asking, Philip. Come to dinner. I'm gonna play the
dinner music. Daddy, bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum. Why is mamma getting mad
and leaving the house? Daddy, she's mad because I I'd

(28:19):
like to use music in every part of my life. Sure,
I don't have the rights, but who does it really hurt.
Hurt me, Daddy, she walked out. It hurt me. Wow,
that's I didn't know. I mean, I've ever come back
or and she never came back. Just like in the

(28:40):
re enactment video. I just showed you she stomed out
and she never returned. That the guy that played your mom,
he's in a way because he is he equity because
I'm doing the stage production later. I think he could
be good for Absolutely, he's equity. He's equity. Great because
my our town thing, I need above the board actors
to do this rectly like I'm sorry, I didn't. I

(29:02):
misunderstood that this is a personal thing, and I you know,
I'm just gonna go ahead and I'll try to represent
all these other cases by myself. You you take advantage
of the of the ones that speak to you, and
I won't get in the way. Order order in the court.
Oh if it isn't Philip Seamore, halfly hell for the defendant, Hello,

(29:22):
your honor, If I may be so bold as to
call you that you may after all these years, you
still have that bruise from my leg wrestling incident. It's healed, Philip,
it's healed, but the scar inside my heart. It's not
you know, that's actually dangerous. It could be black and ventrical.

(29:44):
Oh well, we'll take a look, um. And for the plaintiff,
who do we have in front of us? Um? Hi? Yeah,
Sarah elliption, Sarah lip shit elption elliption. Sorry about that, Sarah,
just kind of the perma plainment plaintiffs from appointiff m

(30:06):
hm tera. I want you to know that my previous
relationship with Philip Seymour Halfley won't bar me for giving
a fair and unbiased final decision. You're before you continue,
here's the chocolate bar that I promised I remember, remember
dark with nuts yet nuts? All right? Before we commence

(30:31):
opening arguments, will play our ceremonial opening commencement song, Oh great,
dent dent Entent You running? Yes, I'm afraid I'm going
to have to not only sue for the case that
I came in here, but I'm afraid I'll also have

(30:54):
to sue the court today. Excuse me, you're running? You
are using that music I'm sure without proper you see rights,
I'd like to submit into evidence my rights to Now
this is what I call music three and I have
the rights to all these songs. Take a look. Um.

(31:21):
I don't mean to interrupt, but can I get like
a finalization on my first case? My roommate Carrie, she left,
but I'm persistent and I want to make sure the
chicken nuggets case. If I'm correct, I'm the Chicken nuggets case.

(31:44):
Oh yes, yes, I see it was passed over here.
From Judge Harvey, sorry to hear about his retirement. Well,
i'm me too. He's really a king of comedy and
he's self. I really like watching him, and I'm I'm
really upset. I'm going to find for the defendant on

(32:04):
this one. It's chicken nuggets, not the end of the world.
What that is? Scene too three from listener Milton J.
Who wrote, Hello, I recently had to refrain from donating
my life savings to your patron because of the quadrupled

(32:26):
price of electricity here in Sweden. I'm confused if it's
suggestions you want sent in or my life story. Anyways,
you guys are one of few reasons to stay alive.
The suggestion door to door salesman named hungry yours truly

(32:49):
Milton bing Bong, Hello, Hello, are you are you outside
the door? Bing Bong? Can you see I'm trying to
look through the peeping hole. Can you not see my eye? Hello?
You are there? Shout. I guess I'm gonna have to
just let him in, Honey, who's a don't open the door.

(33:14):
We don't know who's out there, honey. But he keeps bing,
banging so persistently, darling, Let me try to peek out
the hole. Look at the hole. Let me lift your
own because I know you're not. Don't let me lift
you up, step onto my back. But why don't we
lift each other up? Honey? Good one to It must

(33:37):
be a child, they must be They must be a child.
Don't open that door. Oh good, you're nice and tall.
Look through that people, and if you see something I
don't need a boost, don't don't. Is part of this
being in the family. We're gonna get you and one baby, remember,
lift with your neck one and three? Oh down, there's

(34:06):
no one. There must be a child or or somebody shorter.
Then let's just open the door and let it here
we go. Yeah, yeah, thanks, I'm hungry. Okay, well I've
I've recently fried a salad. If you're interested in fried salad,

(34:30):
i'd like to Yeah, I offer you some of that, honey,
I don't know that we want to invite this little
being inside. His skin is bright redd and he's got horns.
Remember page fifty two of the Bible, Thou shalt not
deny the entrance for a man who is empty of stomach,
for he may be full of heart. He's fifty two baby, alright, alright,

(34:55):
he just looks a little scarier than most. It's a
bitt people. Five. If I can introduce you in the
latest greatest knife collection, and again, I'm hungry. I understand
you're hungry. If you you you should probably have that
salad before, Darling, I'm gonna let you make this knife decision.

(35:16):
You know that I'm always dangerous when it comes to shop,
and all pointed out, we've agreed that our our grandson
would take care of all of our finances. Now, I
don't know that it's a good call for me to
make this. How much, Mr Hungary? How much are these knives?
Thank you? Well, there's the layweight program, and there's also uh.

(35:39):
You can write a check today. You can pay me
cash today. You can venmo me, you can paypalt me.
You can hold on, Mr Hungary. No one tries to
swindle my gran Who is this tall drink of water?
But you're gonna saw us some knife. You have to
tell me about five something on five eleven? Five eleven,

(36:02):
damn near six ft? Yeah? What can you show? How
would you guess? I? Um? Come on five? Two? Ha
ha ha oh if I only three eight? Thank you? Hungry?

(36:23):
How did it go? Did you bring back money? Don't
be grumpy stinky? Is everyone doing good stuff? I need money? Yeah? Yeah,
you need? You need? You need? Where funk am I figuring? No?
Winky took him, Winky took his ship. Come on a bit,

(36:45):
doesn't even smell the keen? Yeah? Here we she needs
money and it's happed us to get it for where
I gotta get out of it? Yeah good, I gotta
get out of this wood. Imagine hunting, just renting, maybe
a studio, maybe even a bachelor and that one has

(37:07):
a tiny kitchen. That's maybe another profession other than being
a pant. No, when you find a new place to live,
will you bring us along with you? Yeah? Will we
get to come? Will we get to come? Get to come?
I can't wait to come? Who um? Listen, guys, I

(37:29):
didn't want to talk to you about this until I
secured myself a place in the big old city, right,
But when I do, it's just gonna be mesh dirty
is really upset about this is the first time I've

(37:49):
ever spoken. I have been silent the whole time because
I thought you'd always be Here's no much You're moving
to the city without lovingness for likely. It feels so bad,
and I had to talk. I'm sorry, but I'm bored.
I'm just a little bit bored. I want a little

(38:13):
more hustle, bustle, a little more flash, paint bizas, more
people to talk to you sing songs with every activity
we ever do. That's not enough for you, alright, Sorry,
are you realized? Sorry you're such a little fellow. And
I know you're new to speaking, but please lay down
on my couch or sit up. Some patients are more

(38:34):
comfortable with sitting up. So you say that this snow
deserted you in your hour of need. Yeah, I mean, look,
I'm painfully, awkwardly shy. Everybody knows that. And and uh, look,
I just live with all my brothers and and are
adopted brother who I'm pretty sure is the devil. We

(38:56):
live out in the forest, and you know, we just
we just we you odd jobs, we were going to
call mine. We do other things just to make her happy.
And then finally, like we keep providing, providing, providing, and
she leaves, she just leaves. Normally I would say that
you have some issues that you need to get in
touch with, but this seems like her problem. It seems

(39:18):
like she is the cause of this problem. Oh so
we're done. Here, we're done, You're good. Ms White. This
is a this is a one bedroom, so it comes
with a kitchen, a bathroom, and a separate room. Um.
You're overlooking the train tracks here, so you're right close
to the metro. Get you right into downtown if you'd

(39:41):
like to go there. Um, it can also take you uptown,
take it to the east side, to the west side
as well. Great station right here. Um, just need to
ask you a few questions. Current occupation yes, m hm, yes,
great and uh um will you be co signing this
with anybody or you'll be taking on the All right,

(40:01):
Mr Charming? If I could show you into this what fun?
Sorry I'm showing this right now. Yeah, I'm showing this
to a Mr Charming. I've only got a thirty minute window. Guys,
good looking. Yeah, I guess we could rochem bodis he
who gets this department? But Mr Charming was ready to

(40:23):
make a big move in his life here. Yeah, miss Way,
he was doing the same thing. She's actually moving from
the suburbs into the city. Uh huh, Yeah, well I'm
moving from the castle with my parents to the city.
Why don't we let them just sort it out instead
of us. Why don't we let them sort it out?
And in the meantime, you and I can leg wrestle
just for old time sake. Huh. You want to lose again?

(40:45):
Is that what happened? Of course I want to lose
again in the bedroom. Let's go, let's go. Yeah, I'm sorry.
I really need this place. My parents are kings and
king and queen. They're really They're just super imposing. And
I'm trying to go out on my own. I know
you've actually met. That's bullshit. I remember somebody like you. No,

(41:10):
I just look a little different and my different outfit
and I'm wearing pentaloons. But it's it's me. We danced
once by a fountain. I think I don't know I
was I drinking perhaps some if you were. I mean

(41:30):
I don't remember that. I don't remember that at all. Well,
I have to say this working, Philip is working. Pantaloon's
a forgetness of working. As long as she wears them,
people will remember in the kingdom, will be ours bakers, doesn't.

(41:53):
I'm going to keep watching the ball. You know. I'm here,
and and and I and I'm and I want to
be here. So I'm going to be here. Thank you
so much, just like I'm ready to put a deposit
down and no offense. But those pantaloons don't look like
they're full of money, and I come from the charming family. Well,

(42:16):
these pantaloons are said to be full of forgiveness. And
I for you know, and I forgive you for being
a little bit I'm sorry. Who who are you? We're
just seven brothers. We don't have room for another roommate. Lady,
I'll have room. This is a funny joke. This is

(42:36):
such a funny joke. Oh that's so great. I love it.
Singing sounds familiar, but we have no idea who you are.
I'm sorry you'll have to leave immediately. I forgive you
for your ruteness, but this is my home, and I honestly,
don't have anywhere else to go. Oh now you got
no place to go. I'm not cigarette you get any

(42:58):
of them. No, I um oh, I have this here.
It's a it's a it's a it's my only piece
of money. And you could roll it up and and
I suppose you could light it on fire and inhale
that and charming. This is your place, dude. This is

(43:19):
a ship. Oh yeah, but then we don't have to
really like take care of it because it's super cheap. Charming, dude,
you lived in that castle. This is a ship. Oh yeah,
but we can treat it like a ship whole. Dude,
what don't you get it? Like? I wanted to get
out of the castle. I want to have a party.

(43:41):
I want to have a gigger. I want to have
a good time. What you have good? You can come
to my castle, dude, with your parents. Yeah, my parents
are pretty cool. How they aren't They're overwhelming? Dude, this
place is a ship all it smells. Doctor. I'd like

(44:03):
to lay down this session, if that's okay. Some of
the patients have been lying down, so I'm sitting up.
A lot of them are even just doing a deep
squad during the session, but if you likely down, we
can do that. Um okay, great, Um, I'm sorry I've
never met you before. Forgive me no. Yeah, I've been

(44:25):
coming to you for a year. Don't recognize you at home.
This is a good exercise as this actually hasn't happening
to me a lot, and I need to control what
I end up doing. In return. I'm very upset. One
of my best friends brothers, I would call him. Finally

(44:48):
feels like we know we're not officially family. But hold
on just one second. I just checked my calendar on
my computer. It's no bridges at work day. Let me
just ship me out of my bridges here, much more
comfortable and feel free. I never look at a lady
from the waist down. If you'd like to shimmy out
of yours, that's fine. Now go ahead, Stranger, what were
you saying? Well, oh, I don't know what to do.

(45:15):
On one hand, I love a breeze. It's it's up
to you. Another, I'm very comfortable as I go ahead. Then, Strange,
you continue your story. I got in the kind of
I don't know. I it wasn't a fight. I don't
know what it was. But basically I'm sorry. On just

(45:35):
one second. Oh, this breeze feels so good. Yes, go ahead.
So it wasn't a fight, it with something something go ahead,
basically one of my you know, it's like family. That's
not officially, it's not like we have the same blood,
but it's like we grew up together. So I feel
like it and I gave him a doom. I'm so sorry.

(45:55):
It's like a hot and I'm itchy and I'm getting
a little bit of an itche Yes. If I were
you strange here, I would look just shimmy and you're
not gonna look. Hey, I read your new manuscript, and uh,
it looks like you're I mean, first of all, your

(46:16):
first book for us No I was huge hit, huge hit.
But it looks like you're saying that women shouldn't wear pants.
It looks like you're making the point that women shouldn't
wear pants, that they should stay in dresses and be
at their homes. I don't and it gets oddly erotic.
I don't understand with the target audience is this feels

(46:39):
really dated. It's just a plot point, a plot point
to us to get you the next level of the
chapter of the story. In um um, so it's it's
not Eurotica. I have a whole set of rotica. I
have these books here if you'd like many scripts. Physically.

(46:59):
Are you from France or do you just talk that
way to know I'm actually I'm just outside Luxembourg. You've
heard I have heard of Luxembourg. Yes, be all different
spelling families. Yeah, they are the kings and queens of Luxembourg.
All right, Well, look I'm gonna finish out. There's like

(47:19):
two pages left in this and I should have probably finished. Sorry,
I'm sorry, sir, forget forgive me. Oh, oh my god,
he's here. I just he just brought in some new
manuscripts and you've got to hear his words. Ah, there
is a town outside of France, it seems to say,
where the women And here's a real kick in the well,

(47:41):
not a kick in the pants, where the women where
no pants? Uh, sir? This is his new manuscript And
I just I just researched this town right outside of France.
And in fact, oh god, the women are literally running
around pantless, sir. That is because of the pantaloons that
help you forget. So if you don't wear the pantaloons.

(48:03):
Then nobody forgets Hi. Welcome to sans pants. How can
I help? I'm just looking for a top, right, Yeah
we got we got another butt tops. Yeah. Yeah, You've
come to the right place. I have to say, I'm
just visiting. I'm just visiting for the week, okay, and

(48:23):
no in town, just visiting. But yeah, this is my
second day in town. I arrived late last night, so
that doesn't really count. Um, just kind of slept and
then woke up. And um, you must have some other
unnecessary information for this visit that you can share with me.
You like to gossip? Yes, I need to gossip. Busted busted? Yeah, Actually, um,

(48:50):
my ex husband he's actually a French citizen and um
he took our child and it sounds like he wears
the pants. Wow. Um this I enjoyed this one. This
one was pretty good. I mean to think that there

(49:13):
is a place in France where the naked ladies dance,
and there's and to be honest with you, sir, and
forgive me, And then I really have to go get
a coffee. They just got silk milked back at the
coffee shop. Uh. This is a place that's right outside
of France, All right, outside of France? Yeah, all right?

(49:33):
Can I bring anything back from the coffee place? Uh?
You know? Actually, could you pick me up a big
chunk of ice with salt on it from Louis and
his brother? They thereat? I love that? Uh okay, So
outside of France? Is there is there a hole in
the wall where the men can see at all? Is that?

(49:55):
Is that going to happen in the second book? Or
did you want to read that? You WoT you read it? No?
I just I just it just seems like that's where
it was going. Yes, it's a while. It's simple books.
There are simple books for simple minds, but they activate
the mind. Um, it's because of my childhood. My parents
never let me have music, and well I had to

(50:18):
come up with my own sing song, lyrics and words.
Your parents never let you have music. We have music
playing all the time here. Don't you hear pomp and circumstances?
But under us the whole time? No? Not's that's really
you can't hear music either. It's playing right now, do

(50:40):
you not? No? No I hear it? Oh what a beautiful,
joyous place to work. Unlike my last job recreating scenes
from life stories or acting as they would call it.
That was your last job. You're you're an actor? Equity

(51:03):
actually yes, yes, yes, who equity wow? Because I was
in the production of Our Town Picnic, mostly outdoor settings,
Shakespeare in the parking lot, many times in the parking lot. Yes, yes,
we did this. Just end on your Outside of France news.

(51:25):
A group of construction workers have gone to work overnight
and plugged the holes in every wall between here and Luxembourg.
We'll have moralness at eleven. Brian, Oh, thank goodness, Brian,
just in time. Let's thank all our alchemist please for

(51:48):
this incredible episode, starting with of course Jackie freshly stretched,
ruth oh fell good, thank you for having me? What
a blast? Always can folks find you on the socials?
I'm at Jackie, Druthy and new episode knew me. If
you're watching the NBA these days, you're gonna see me

(52:11):
in a Draft Kings commercial. Look out teased it last
up and now you know exactly the product more nice
and I really actually quite liked the products. And they
knew you were a big fan of the Draft Kings.
You've been using them for a number of years. Right,
That's how you get commercial gigs. You gotta be able

(52:35):
to speak, to speak, just use the product. Gary Anthony Williams,
thank you, Thank you, my friend. Always the pleasure. I'm
at Gary Anthony Williams uh on the Instagram. And if
you're in a town uh and you want to see
someone who's live anyway? Which is the roadbirst of whose line?
I'll be doing that most of mate. Whenever this comes out, Kevin,

(52:58):
I don't know, is there a website or something can Yeah,
it's Who's live dot com. Who's live dot com. You
see all the tour dates there. Go check it out immediately,
folks if you can and a tool sing thank you
as well well. Thank you for having me. It's always
a pleasure to be amongst a very talented company. Um.

(53:21):
You can find me at a tool time on all
the socials and my website. We'll try to keep that
posted with all the shows and happenings. So thanks again.
When you say you'll try, yeah, I'm going to. I
just like the current thing is not it's not there yet,
so I just need to put that in. There's some
future dates already set up, but that's felt like a disclaimer.

(53:43):
I just Collstrott and thank you so much for being
an alchemist and not a guest host. Yeah. Thanks, It's
it's weird being on the other side, but I love
doing that time of time. You can follow me at
col Stratton on Twitter at Stratton Cole on Instagram. A
lot of shows at the west Side Comedy Theater, Coburnots
have been running the show called TV Reunion Show with
Coburnats and Friends, where we do a fictitious TV reunion

(54:07):
show based on a show that never existed that the
audience helps us built together. It's really fun. That's twice
a month on Monday, so check out schedule there. Uh,
pretty pretty pony first Thursday of the month at ten
and Grifter which I direct, which the Tool is in.
Uh coming up pretty soon to April and then again
in May or on the same time. Head on over

(54:27):
to west Side Comedy dot com for that calendar of events.
Depending on when you're hearing this, James Heney Brant Home.
You know, I really had hoped that I could start
off my goodbyes with a review from the reviews, but
I got zero, So instead I'll just say on May
one at eight pm at the west Side Comedy Theater

(54:48):
in addition to all the other great curated content. On
May first, at a PM, you can see Alchemy This live.
I love them to be there. Yeah, and then you
could write on paper a review and I'll find a
way to get it into the internet. Please, anytime you
find James Heenee in the wild, give him a piece
of paper with a review on it. It would be

(55:08):
greatly appreciated. Let's thank our producer engineer to the stars,
Mr doug Bane. Fine, folks that I hurt media. I'm
your host, Kevin Pollock reminding you please be kind of
each other. Thank you so much for giving a damn
about what the hell this is? Until next time, She

Alchemy This News

Advertise With Us

Follow Us On

Host

Kevin Pollak

Kevin Pollak

Show Links

RSSAbout

Popular Podcasts

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.

Stuff You Should Know

Stuff You Should Know

If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.

Music, radio and podcasts, all free. Listen online or download the iHeart App.

Connect

© 2024 iHeartMedia, Inc.