Jacob, Rachel and Leah...

Jacob, Rachel and Leah; Ocean, Party Of Two; Untested Pet Products.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey there, Kevin Pollock here. I wanted to invite you
all to become a Patreon supporter of Alchemy This. Go
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v i P member. You'll get bonus episodes that will
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include the live shows and also special scenes that will
record in our regular weekly in studio recordings uh that

(00:22):
will only be released to v i P members. You'll
be able to join the live Alchemy This cast hangout sessions.
You're gonna get an exclusive hotline phone number. That's right,
you can call in, leave a message I have a request,
a comment, a question of any of the Alchemists. You're
gonna get your scene, suggestions for getting top priority, all
kinds of incredible bonuses, and just be creatively involved in

(00:44):
the shows. We'd love to have you as a Patreon
member again. Go to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this
and thank you. Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy
This on your host Vivin boy guest that Kevin bod
that well. I'll tell you this. When I was four
and a half, my mom took me to kindergarten orientation

(01:04):
and during it ship my pants and I see but
you're not okay? Is that answer your question? No? Huh,
but I digress. Let's meet our chemists, shout we in
no particular order. Please say hello to James any Hi, Jimmy.
Everybody sausage looking penis sounds funny to me. My penis

(01:26):
sounds normal to everybody. He's almost no sound. Do you
think we actually landed on the Moon back in sixty
nine or was it all produced on sound stages as
some believe. I believe that we did land there. It's
possible that that video was produced because they couldn't get
a film crew up there. But I believe we landed.
We couldn't get a film up there. I mean, you

(01:47):
don't think they set up the camera went back inside
for the big reveal. I don't know. It seems like
to me a difficult task for astronauts. They're busy with
difficult It wasn't. I'm just saying, you know, we needed
to the moon. Faith in our astronauts. But whether or
not they're philontographers, I don't know. I just don't know.
So you're gonna give us an a plus on technology

(02:08):
to get to the Moon in land. But it's just
completely all trades. They can be astronauts and directors planted
a camera. They're hard to work, They're really difficult. They're tricky.
I'm gonna back to thank you for God's sakes. I
know everyone agrees with me, but they were afraid to Kevin.

(02:28):
Next up with Greg Kosko. Do you think the late
great President John Fitzgerald Kennedy was shot by a lone
gunman or more than one. I think there was a
few people with shot by more than one person. There
was one bullet hole. Did they all make it through

(02:50):
the same hole? Was bullet hole? Yeah? So how many
people could have shot him? Sorry, so the one in
the neck doesn't Okay, maybe I'm wrong. I don't remember
how many bullet holes there are? Was there too? It
was several? Okay, Well, let me see the movie. Back
into the left, Back into the left. I didn't see
the movie mean some Bruder film, the documentary by Oh

(03:14):
my god, I watched the A Bruder film first thing
every day. Yeah, there's no better ways. Looking for new stuff.
Please welcome back rejoining champion Caroline Carter. Oh, Miss Carter,
what's your favorite type of ice cream? And please don't
be lactose intolerant because I have no tolerance for them. Well,

(03:39):
I'll tell you something. I like mint chocolate chip and
I'm lactose intolerant, so I just shoot a lot after
I eat it. But it doesn't stop me. You know,
I'm there with you. Chocolate mint can't be beat. And
if you if hot fudge accidentally falls on it, I'm
not I'm not upset unless it's a cone you don't

(04:00):
want them. What do you mean accidentally falls on it?
Like what scenario? I don't know, as James, Well, have
you never seen two fast working ice cream people, one
person serving hot fudge and other cones of mint chocolate chip? Joey,
that's how it happened. Feel better, Jope, Like, um, let's see,
I had a question for Caroline. I'm sure of it.

(04:25):
That was it was just the ice cream poopy. Yeah,
it was just you know I I was going to
follow mine with the similarity is I don't necessarily ship myself.
But there's a lot of gas, so maybe I'm a
little tolerant. But if you don't eat it for two
weeks and then you eat it and gets crazy, then
you'll know, all right. Last, but Mayer socks always be

(04:51):
soaking wet. If you think him least, it's Joey Greer
Joseph of the House of Tigrarian. If they could see you, now,
what would they say? Uh? Please leave? That's right to you. Okay, okay,
all right, let's get to our first scene. I should
mention that we would greatly appreciate you, our favorite listener,

(05:12):
to please write a review of the show in the
next fifty two hours starting now. Apparently this is what's
needed to gather more of you and stay in existence,
So please help us if you really love us. All right,
all today's scene suggestions regather from our listeners emails. If
you'd like to submit yours, please write to the podcast
at your name here at alchemy this dot com dot

(05:33):
that's your name here at alchemy this dot com. Our
first scene comes from Kyle, who wrote, Hey, that's it.
He just wrote, Hey, Hey, I've been listening since the
beginning and I love the show. One day my co
workers are going to ask why I chortle at random
points throughout the day. Anyway, I have some scenes suggestions.

(05:57):
Take one or two or all three and make it
a super show just for me. Or take none, and
I'll only cry a little Kyle. I chose number three,
and here it is. The story of Jacob's marriage in
the Bible is an odd one. He worked for seven
years to marry Rachel, but woke up in the morning

(06:18):
after his wedding to find that he was married to
her sister Leah, whose eyes were lovely. I'd like to
know how that morning played out. Wake up, what I know?

(06:38):
You're making that noise? Wake up? You're making the you're
making the rooster noise. Hey, my wife forever? Yes, so,

(06:59):
I don't want to look at you. I don't want
to look at you yet. I don't want to look
at you. Come on, you're my wife forever. I get
the rest of my life to look at you. Okay,
Well i'm naked. Should I look I don't know. Yes,
it's not a trap. I have to tell you something.
Go for it. It's easier if you turn around and
look at me. Okay, Um, you look different? Yes? Sorry around? Um?

(07:23):
What did you sleep on your face or something? I
did sleep on my face, but that's not why I
look different. Rachel, What the hell's going on? Why do
you not I'm not Rachel? Okay, okay, I'm not Rachel. Okay,
I'm not Rachel. I know you're not Rachel. I'm not Rachel.
You're not Rachel. Dog in the corners, not Rachel, Rachel.
What has happened? I'm not Rachel. I'm her sister. Hold on,

(07:44):
time out, pump the horse. What are you saying right now?
Time back in? Put the saddle on the horse and
go to the races, because I'm Leah. Sh look at
my eyes they're different. One is gone and the other
is a beautiful brown eye. I just hold on a second,

(08:07):
So hold on a second. Way, I'm married, Leah. Yeah, okay,
so you mean I'm married to Rachel and you know
you're not married to Rachel. I don't understand this. Don't
say you're married, don't say it hurt to my feelings.
Hurt my feelings and you snuck him? Okay? Well what
was I supposed to do? I don't not do this?
What that? What kind of bet was happening between you

(08:29):
and your six sister that made this happen? Huh? We
had a big bet. We bet five chickens that I
couldn't trick you seem to marrying me, So I while
I lost the bet I did gain the marriage to you.
So my marriage, my eternity with somebody is worth five chickens. Yes,

(08:50):
that's what it's worth. Oh God, where where is Rachel
right now? She's at home, She's in the tent next door,
She's in the tent, next, in the tent next. Let's
all go, uh, Jennifer, let me just say, on behalf
of all of Apple, how unbelievably thrilled to have we
are to have you with the new network. I'm ben.
Let's just go around the room and have you meet everyone.

(09:10):
Jennifer Anis didn't say hello to Saul, and of course Rick,
he's in VP of programming and we're not sure what
he does. Jennifer, we are so excited to have you.
We've already made the announcement as you know that you're
coming to the Apple Network. I just, um, I'd like

(09:32):
to pitch you some different ideas, uh than what you've
already sort of came in to us with. You didn't
like the two hour pilot. I just showed you, guys,
we did. We did its moments. Yeah yeah, and by
the way, but she's going to shove Maybe that's it.
We're thinking. I'm just gonna throw the title out to
you and see what pictures come into your mind. My

(09:56):
mind works like a movie theater, that's right, So here
we go. Ready, I'm not Rachel? Okay, I like it.
So you know the character you played in Friends? Yeah, Rachel.
And so we're gonna make it crystal clear to everybody
because then we just we did a lot of testing

(10:16):
and it seems everyone kind of thinks you're the character
you played in Front. Okay, So still having a hard
time not thinking that you're Rachel right now? I'm sorry? Sure?
Are uk? You sound like you're choking in your own tongue.
I'm fine. It's just that I've I grew, I really
grew fond of your character. It just sounds like you're

(10:37):
speaking from underwater, not true. Is there something? Oh God,
Jesus Christ. Sorry, can you put like a towel over
your head or something? When it hurts to look at you? Jennifer,

(10:58):
I'm a I'm okay. I have a lot of money
and I'm helping to fund these Apple products and the
TV shows now four ninety nine. If you want to join,
and do I have to pay if I sell? I
mean contractually, yes, we would just take that out. So

(11:19):
wouldn't you wouldn't pay, you just wouldn't get them. That
was four You get four dollars nine nine cents less
than the thirty two million we've already promised you. Maybe,
so we love you, We love you as Rachel. Let's
let's just well, I think we all agree, Rachel love
you as Rachel was great. Rachel was great. You know,
we just that's with the marketing team. And we tested,

(11:41):
We tested no one, We tested on animals, we tested
on people. I mean, we did a lot of testing.
We tested mostly on animals, love monkeys. You only had
a thirty percent likability rating. No way, Well that's what
the science says. And what did they do to say
that at the screen and that was a yes or no?
That was yes, that wasn't yes. The ones that didn't

(12:03):
fling their pool, we assume they don't like the Well,
that seems very reasonable to me, So I can't argue
with that. And the people that we attested, they pete
on the screen and we unit that as yes. And
the people who didn't, Okay, that seems weird. But you
guys are Apple, and you invented the iPhone, the iPad,
the iMac the I m hm. And that's why we

(12:27):
thought we would pitch you out some some ideas today
and if you respond to any of them, great, If
you don't, also great. Okay, here's another one. Um, maybe
maybe I'm not Rachel. Maybe I'm not Rachel. That's another one. Okay.
I just here's the thing, guys. It seems like if
you have the one, you have the word Rachel in
the title. Yeah, that's what people are going to think.

(12:49):
That's why we're trying to really promote a negative a
connotation with Rachel's gone, she's over, she's dead. What about
another name? What about something not even related to Rachel
or Jennifer? Okay, I like that because that's actually my
real name, Jennifer Aniston. A lot of people call me
Rachel Aniston and that's not my name. Correct, incorrect, Yes,

(13:14):
please God stop it. Jesus Christ, I lost five chicken Rick,
thanks from coming out of the albums. Well, appreciate your Uh,
you're sick. You're you're a sick man. You shouldn't be
at the officer. You're getting people sick. That's not true. Yes,
it is true, So I'm saying it's not true. It's true,
and this is just it is poured through your teeth,

(13:38):
just like disgusting. Like to drink milk. It's not, it's normal.
It's that is normal to a degree, the amount you drink.
People bring gallons of water into work. You bring gallons
of milk and drink that throughout the day, marking it
as you go. Rick, I just if you have a minute,
I wanted to go over your results again. Um, they're great,

(13:59):
thank god. Yeah, yeah, y'all of your medical test turned
out phenomenal. In fact, I just want to make one
little adjustment if I could. I would like to put
you on an all mucous diet. Us all. What did
the doctor say? Just talk to me, Rick, I feel

(14:22):
like I'm trying him to a stuck You're not turning
into a skexi. Okay, there's a box of Kleenex in
front of you. Just blow your nose, Rick, I don't know, Marie,
Rick looks so good. What diet is he? Well? I
was kind of down on it at first, but he's
on an all mucous diet. The whole family is well.

(14:44):
Everyone's looking so good and so shiny. Thank you. I
went down a dress size. Try try some mucus. I'd
love to just in the ball here, just in the ball.
That's fantastic, that's so good. You look better already more, babe,

(15:20):
I'm not gonna have sex with you when you're like this. Baby,
you're fucking crossing me up. Baby, just spat out your
tooth on this sexy guy. Huh. I know I'm a
sexy guy. Work out my muscles for a living. Does
you have a spit on your arms and sweash your arms?

(15:40):
I guess so, yeah, do it? Oh god, this is disgusting.
My eyes. I can't really open my eyes. I noticed
they're pussing up. I'm gonna call nine one one call
my wife is mute. It looks like mu because it's
taken over where I am in the house. We're in
our second floor bathroom, in the closet in the pantry,

(16:01):
and the closet in the bathroom the moment. A cute
little toilet paper Do you know what my house looks like?
It's just a guess. I've done so many of these calls.
It's just something I do to pass the time. I'm sorry,
all right, well that was exactly right. I have a
cute little toilet paper head Yeah, it's a poodle's head.
How do you know that there's a poodle's head? It's

(16:23):
just again, it's a fun, fun, little hobby of mine.
So I'm sorry, What is your emergency? Okay? My wife
is covered in mucus and I have a secondary emergency
I want to report. I think. Damn guy I'm talking
to on the phone now knows everything about my dang house.
I don't. I know it's a two bedrooms upstairs stuff. Yeah,
there's two bedroom stairs. What the hell, dude, come on? Okay,

(16:47):
so much fun for me. It's not fun for me.
I'm taking notes. I've got about a correct ratio for
super excited about it. What's happened to your wife? My wife,
she hangs out with this woman. She's a real bad influence.
She told her read her own mucus, all this kind
of dank stuff. Right, So I'm not hearing an emergency. Okay,
Well she's stroking the bad baby that you produced. But

(17:11):
Jennifer Hanniston is on Rachel not right. Oh that sounds good.
Don't spoil the ending for me. You said, know what
that it's also straight from the Bible, the stories as
a Bible, I specifically have not read that part, and
I'm waiting to see the ending. How is that playing Jacob?

(17:31):
How is playing Jacob? He's good, that's Brad Pitt. You
can't tell that's okay. He looks terrible. No, no, he
looks good. There, it's all right, Rick, I'm going over
the show notes. They don't make any damn sense. I
just don't understand from the pilot episode three, you've infused

(17:51):
some kind of sci fi element to this. It looks
like you've literally taken element from Babylon five. You, I
mean you wrote Babylon five just like Babel. I don't know.
Let me I should, I should race that there. It's
a simple story, is I don't understand some very complex No,
not babble on five, the story of Rachel. I mean,
all we're doing is we're making Jennifer Anderson Leah and
we're just having her like the fun rom come with

(18:12):
it all. Like, is she not from Star Wars? What?
Who are you? Jennifer Andison le Princess Leah, Princess Leiah.
First off, break's on the mirrors. I just read it's
a pronunciation joke. No, I know that character is from
Star Wars. But but I don't under do you think,

(18:32):
Oh God Jesus, I gotta sit down, Rick one one.
What's your emergency? I might hear your bleeding? My I
think my executive producers a room in the house. Are
you in room in the house? Uh? I can see
I'm at the the downstairs toilet, downstairs toilet. Yeah, I'm
right by the day and there's a small buffet table
next to me, right in the bathroom. I'm fine. I

(18:56):
think my producers trying to kill me. He's saying the
most insane things, and my ears are you might want
to replace the hummus? Shut up? Yes, how did you
know that? How did you know them? Again? My ears
are bleeding. I think my executive producers trying to kill me.
I think you may want to replace those shoes. Okay, ah,

(19:18):
you're right, yeah, they are a lot of fashion. Just
take him off. What is this? You're really good? You
know me really well? Well I do, and I don't.
Um So, what would you like us to do? What?
What I like you to do? What do you help me?
What do you mean what would I like you to do?
You want someone to be sent over? What do you working?

(19:41):
Just talk you through this. I know I know I
need help. I need to talk to her. Some think
or something is what I'm thinking. Okay, let's go with
or something. I'm gonna sound a dentist. They're a doctor, sure, yeah, okay,
very high suicide, right, so keep that in mind. Please
when they go up. And how long you've have you
been having this problem? Um? Open wine? Um not not

(20:08):
not often? This this has to do with my ears
are bleeding. Okay, I'm going to give you a shot
of mucus. Okay, right in the mouth. Okay, your mouth
should be filling up with mucus. It should be harder
to understand, just deeper, more guttural. You should fit right

(20:33):
in with your producer. I'm gonna go fucking kill myself.
Remember right to the podcast. If we put too much
mucus in your ears. Your name here Alchemy, this dog
coup and now if we're time for see number two.
Mr comes from Curran Curran, who wrote Dear Alchemist, all

(20:56):
write you from the shadowy depths of Hell. As I
was committing dubious acts of treason, I found myself struggling
to breathe while it's listening to this wonderful program, And
eventually collapsed where I met my fiery fate. So he
laughed so much at the show he fell to hell.

(21:17):
I think he was working in hell and fell and
it was fiery down there already he already worked in hell.
Sounds like I can hear the eyes rolling around in
your heads when the same suggestions get too specific. So
I'll come right to it with mine and keep it short.
And then he just wrote a one word seemed suggestion. Ocean,

(21:38):
thanks for nothing, current Michael Ocean, Michael Osan, Yes, your
table is ready, Okay, I don't need to. I don't
want to sit so far into the corner. I'd like
to have a big table. Why do we do this
every time? It's not a big deal. It's just that
they think, because there's only two of us, that we
want to be hidden in a corner where no one

(21:59):
can What does it matter what? We're here for the food. No,
we're here for a celebration and to eat the food. Yes,
of course, citizen the center. The center tables for sixteen
people or more. I will gladly pay. No, it's not gladly.
Can we get one that's just off center, like maybe

(22:20):
something something that's for four people? Well, everything's actually increases
outside the center until we get to the very edges
where it's just for two people. Just I'm sick and
tired of coming into this restaurant and being forced to
sit in the shadows of a corner like I'm some
sort of I'm upset. I feel like I'm I'm Strider
from Lord of the Rings. Like money maybe, okay, yeah,

(22:45):
paper rubbing your fingers together? Are you suggesting my nipples
you're gonna rubb? No? No, not nipples here. Let me
just show you this, what if I was to give
you you just ripped a five dollar bill in half.
I don't know you get the other half when you
see this at a good tabe. I I appreciate what

(23:07):
this is about. For a table of two. I think
it's appropriate to have a seed in the corner that
for those tables you're done and experience would be anything
other than fantastic. Honey, Yeah, clearly five wasn't enough. Five
wasn't enough. Here is half of a ten. You're we're
talking fifteen dollars at the end of this meal. I

(23:32):
appreciate again, I appreciate that. I think that, but I
for your experience, I believe the best we can do.
Is there a problem? Curtis you a manager? I am
a manager? Is he also a manager? Is Curtis a manager?
And Curtis are matri D? I am a matri d
Mr Ocean welcome back. And I don't want that fucking table.

(23:56):
I don't want to be sitting in the back corner anymore.
I want to be in the center. I want to
be part of the people the center. As I'm sure
Curtis has explained, as for parties of sixteen or more,
I'll take an off center one. I'll take an off
center table, off center tables or all. We have a
very strategic design to a restaurant. We have a organic
center table that holds sixteen or more people, and then

(24:16):
we offset that with four four tops surrounding the four top.
I'll take a four time. Okay, do you have a
party of four? I will I will pay for at
a table in this joint. That would be all right.
We've got twenty two of us. Can you come in
and just starts center table? Please follow me tables Table

(24:37):
twenty two is gonna be alright here? Yes, yes, right,
It's just it's just so I sound like I have
a lot of voices in my head. That'll be fine,
fantastic as long as there many voices in the head,
and then we can we will grow to a number
of I cannot wait, here's menus, and I'll leave some
more scattered around the table as a personalities to express themselves.
I'll be able to That was also for me. Oh voice, yeah,

(25:04):
you know him a part time fantastic. Alright, do I
have a let yes, serve right here. You're not gonna
use it. Give him a cigarette. I'm trying to quick. Sorry, okay, sorry,
forgive me that. I will bring the waiter over and you.
How about the menus? Yes, they already here and I

(25:25):
have scared them throughout. Yes they are the specials are
in the first leape. Can we get some different child men? Yes,
of course. I'll go back to the main major d
booth and excuse me, can I have that seven dollars
and fifty cents back? We're going to leave. I've never
had it. You let it fall to the floor. No,
I they were those half bills were handed to you,

(25:46):
Mr Ocean. Please, there's no need for you to leave.
We have your usual table. I don't want to have
a hooded cow for you to wear. I don't want
a hood and aura of mystery. I don't want to
be a mystery like Strider and Lord of the Rings.
That's exactly what I said, Eric, Yeah, that's the same
character as I'm familiar with the source materario. That's wait
right here at your usual table. You are you sure?

(26:08):
I'm am? I sure, yes, of course, because we can
go somewhere else. Sure, cherry on top end of the night.
Let's sit here. Okay, Oh my god? Look who it
is is the guy who played Strider and Lord of
the Rings. It's oh my god? What's his name? You? Yeah,
we're so close. What is it? You're still good at

(26:28):
thinking of things? Still good thinking of things? Remember when
you remembered, um, that name of that TV show when
we couldn't think of it last week? That was so
good Jeopardy? Yes, oh my god, Alex t his name was,
it's that actor. Should I ask for an autograph, I'll

(26:49):
go up to go up to me like, I'm sorry.
Is this bread for the table? Are you? That's good? Environment?
What else? What else? Is this fork for the table? Right? Yes? Yes?
What is this guy? Damn name? Folks? You're ready to order?
At the actor. Yeah, he was. He was Strider in
Lord of the Rings. Vigo, Vigo, are you that's a

(27:13):
pretty well known actor. Yeah, oh yeah. Eastern promises familiar
country for old men. No, I don't think so. No, Vigo,
v I double g O. That's what we're saying. That's
exactly that's not what you said. I think, Vigo, you're

(27:34):
adding an eye to the end of it. Don't know.
I don't know. We're saying we're in with an No,
just say say v v and go. No Vigo. I
can't help but think they forgot that we're sitting back here.
We haven't gotten a water. Excuse me, excuse me, we
haven't gotten busy. But wait, can you come back? Wait?

(27:56):
That's why I don't want to sit back here, honey.
Is it possible that you alienated everything angle person that
works here when we arrived, But we gave them what
they wanted. We sat back. Can you own your behavior
and how it affects other me? Yes? You all right,
You're perfect in my eyes, but no one else. Well, well,
it looks like the table that time forgot. Are you

(28:20):
are a waiter? I was a long time ago. What
are you now now? I'm just a part of the upholstery,
folded into the space itself. Wow, tell us imprisoned in
the restaurant just like you and be what they'll forget you.
How can we help you? You can't really really? Here's

(28:43):
forty wait, don't give that, give him half. I'm a
part of the poulstery. I cannot use this. Okay, Oh
my gosh, does your family know you're here? No, they
forgot about me along? What's your name? That name? I forgot?
But I remember the sounds of it. Can we oh,

(29:03):
give me two of the four sounds? Greg, that's that's
an actually if I remember. But I don't know what
to do, honey, I don't want to startle you. But
I think that's a chair. You think Greg's a chair?
I think that that person or I'm a part of

(29:23):
the upholster. Are you by chance a chair? Uh? Yeah,
that's what I thought. Are you? You know? What? Do
you mind getting away from our table? Because I'm sorry
to keep you waiting, folks. Everything okay here, No, it's
not this upholstery has just come up to us. A

(29:45):
little out of sorts today, is lovely? Could I ask
about the specials place? Yes? Absolutely, we have a grilled
mocky mocky with a salmon glaze. So you have the
grilled moy. We have a grilled mockey maheme. We've glazed
it with salmon. And then there's a side of cod.

(30:07):
So that's our triple fish special and Tecti fish I
effective fish. We also have a hangar steak that's hanging
right over the plate and you've got to eat it soon.
It's going to fall right off, okay. And that comes
with and that's seventy okay. Well, and that's just the steak.
So it's all a card. I'll take. I'll take the

(30:30):
hangar steak, will you, yes, pakay. My husband will have
the hangar steak. Okay. It normally comes rare. It's fine, okay.
And for you, ma'am, you have traffic to get the
traffic to okay, I'll get the triple fish. It's fantastic,
is it. It's one of my favorites. Can you just
make sure then that you still have one available in
the kitchen. Salmon glaze up, firing salmon glazer, this cod.

(30:56):
We fire this cod and this is not the way
we do It's five are the cop you don't want
it skin on. I want skin on alive. I want
it dead and cook to go. Okay, Well, this is
a little different from the last place I were. Okay,
the last place your cort is not here. Yeah, it
was an aquarium. Okay, standing, those fishes were supposed to
be a lie. I don't believe it. I need that
triple fish, that triple fish working most Okay, I have

(31:21):
my steak. I need the triple understand that. Okay, we
got an expedite on time. Okay, it's hard to catch
the fish. There's a little slippery. Okay, they should be
dead already. Don't bring these fishes in a lie. I
don't want to kill the freaking fish you have? Do
we can't serve live fish? Why not? Because people don't
eat live fish. They eat live meat. Okay, Well we
never had to do this in the aquarium because it's
an aquaria. People go to see the fishes alive. Okay,

(31:43):
so why can't we do the same thing and that
I need that triple fish, that triple fish working. Let's
get the jasmine rice out here, okay, thank you? All right? Great,
all right? Where is that salmon? GLn don't don't touch
the plate it's hot. I was hot, you were hot,
it was I'm hot, and the plates cold up? Please, Okay,
let's get that salmon glaze. Okay, I'm trying to catch it.

(32:04):
Give me a second. Some customers complaining that the chairs
are talking again. Okay, let's make sure we get those
chairs muffled. Okay, we can't have them talking while they're
eating six to hanger steak. Eighty six hangar steak. That's
the last one to give one here. If no one
can happen, no one can happen. Can I eat it?
If it's in the trash after your ship? Okay? So

(32:25):
you see, Jennifer, you work in this restaurant. Okay, right,
and so you're the waitress used to work at the
aquarium and we think it's hilarious. Okay, I like it,
but I don't know why the title has to be
this is not Rachel from friends working at a restaurant. Okay, Well,
we're open to ideas. Problem is, I was still confused

(32:45):
when I see you on the screen. I can't help
but think that you're Rachel. I'm sorry. Can someone else
work in your job? You know what I mean? Like?
Can you fire this? You want to fire me. But
you're the money guy. You're the money. Are you saying
what I'm hearing? Anyways? Uh is in order for you

(33:08):
to feel safe working here at Apple, Richard, take a walk.
I mean, I don't want to put anyone out of
a job, but we'll find a place for him. Okay,
welcome to the milk department. We do. We move gallons
of milk left and right all day, and at the

(33:29):
end of the day we put the gallons of the
giant vat and we started up until we go home.
You understand, Oh, it's not like my other job. This
is I'm not I never practiced this. I didn't study this.
I'm a CEO kind of guy. You don't got to
study this. We move gallons of milk left to right.
At the end of the day, we dump all the

(33:49):
gallons in the vat and we start them until we
go home. I'm creative. I'm a creative. Do you mean
you're gonna transferred there another section of Apple. I'm a
milky high milk. Maria heard about his d Marshal, Yeah,

(34:09):
I have more time to work out his body. Give
me how would we have ended scene too? I asked you,
Oh man, it's beautiful. Our final scene comes from Steve,

(34:32):
who wrote, I hope all of you are doing well.
Super sweet. I'm having a day, but thanks. I fell
in love with the show after taking Christopher walkins advice
to take a listen interesting. I've been hooked ever since.
I have told everyone I know to listen and write
a review for the show. I hope they all do.

(34:53):
My scene, a pet care product company that is ethically
against testing their products on animal is getting complaints about
the effects people's pets are having while using the products
because you see, they didn't test them. Forever yours except
James Stave the Sorcerer. Oh no, I think you're really

(35:20):
going to enjoy this. I think your dog is gonna
have a great time with this little plushka. I'm just
read there's a lot of metal on the outside of it, like, uh,
spiky kind of metal. It's cute. But if I talk,
choose and it's gonna hurt no. No, now, this is
this is from the Animal Love and they all the

(35:40):
Animal Love, Animal Love Dianimal Okay, and they hurt my
finger though, So if it hurts my finger, why wouldn't
it hurt a dog's mouth? Well, the dog's mouth is
cleaner than the humans. Okay, so you know I can try.
I can just put it in my mouth. Oh I can.
Dogs can have it in his mouth. I'm saying if
I put in my mouth first, you don't want the

(36:02):
dog to have it after it's been in my mouth. Well,
I mean, please pay for the toy. Don't don't just
put in your mouth. Okay, fine, honey, can you are
I think that you should put this in your mouth?
Before said I shouldn't do it. Now I'm realized if
you have to pass this money off and then we're
going to have a sharp object if you do that,
if you put in your mouth out paying for it,

(36:22):
you'll you'll be arrested. Arrested. Are you serious? I'm serious, dude.
That was that would be stealing. So okay, my card,
car this is half of your card? Well yeah, he
only gives half at a time. Any of the rest
of your card, sir? Oh my god, what kind of
customer service does this place have? You've threatened the call
the cops. You won't take half of a credit card.

(36:44):
But this is how we do business. Okay, this is
nothing into personally, this is just just please just if
you would like to test the product purchase at first?
Ki folks, how the thing's going at him? Is everything? Okay?
Everything is actually not okay. I'm actually getting piste off.
He has terrible customer service. He wouldn't let me take
a dump in the kitty litter box. You wouldn't know, okay,

(37:07):
she wanted to do it on top of the kiddies.
There were such the kitty litter boxes flooded with little
kitty cats, and she had the poop poo, she said,
And I got this first off, not appropriate to do it,
and you you want to? Just the customer is always right,
that's what it says. Yes, that's it. I'm putting this
in my mouth? How is it, mabe? My mom? Oh babe,

(37:34):
how is it? You like? Now? To show you some
neurotoxins that are ejected once the uh the spikes ever
touched flash? Okay, when babe, do you like it? I
can't understand any of it in your mouth? Shall we

(37:58):
read that up for you? I guess show honey, act
like a man, act like a fucking many Did you
like it? I guess we still have to take it
when since we sampled it, you'll be arrested, Curtis, why
would they be arrested because they would be stealing, So

(38:19):
they don't leave with the store the store with the item,
then that's not stealing. He's just sampling it and he
loves it. You know, if you can get my back
sometime to be great, okay, because you're literally me in
front of customers, and it makes me feel like I
have no authority here, and it's like why work? Why
work here? You know what is the other side behind you? Say?
The individuals who are the managers respect the anonymy of
the workers themselves and will back them in a judicial fashion. Yeah,

(38:44):
it says, uh, never called the bullee. Okay, Well, then
what's up with that sign? Because I'm wearing two different signs?
Excuse me? Excuse me? Can you help me? Yes, my
monkey nearly choked on one of your collars. I bought
a collar here last week for my monkey, Yes, and
it nearly choked. Okay, I had to give it cpr Okay, good,
Well he's fine now, but I'd like to return the

(39:04):
caller it's used, sir. We can't. We can't accept the
used caller. No, he only wore it for like five minutes.
And then I left the room for like ten seconds
to get to get some monkey chowel, And then I
came back and he was on the floor showcase or
those metal balls that are coded and ban introduced. We
we cannot return that. That's like, that's it's already been used. Well,

(39:24):
then i'd like my money back. I can't give you
your money. What does that sign sign? If the customer
comes back with a complaint and issues an apology from
the company itself, then we will offer money back only
if and then, Why that's not the sign I was
pointing to? Which sign? Are you talking about? That word? Anonymy?
What is that? It's a legal term? Okay, well I'm

(39:47):
thoroughly confused by that sign. Okay, which sign were you point?
So many signs here? Which signs? Sir? What signed? The
customer is always right? Okay? So the middle one? Yes? Okay,
al right, here's your money back here it is that's
more than I paid. I want what I paid. I
don't know how much it paid. I wasn't working that day.
Here you go, excuse me, excuse me. I bought this

(40:08):
training pistol from you and it went off in my kid.
It's dead Okay, so I'd like my money back, and
I don't want this training pistol anymore. I don't know.
The training pistol just makes a noise. It doesn't shoot anything.
Got something. I don't know if you tested it, but
it's got something. Well, then you bought a regular pistols.
Well I pull out it here and it was under
the training pistol area. Okay, well that that is an

(40:28):
actual revolver. You bought a revolver. I got it from here. Okay, Well,
what do you want me to do? I want my
money back for the training pist I can't offer you
money back because the pistol did exactly what it's got
to do. I want my money back for this training pistol. Oh, sir,
we we I cannot open the register for you that time.
That time thing if somebody enters the premises with the weapon,

(40:50):
the weapon used to harm the individual behind the counter
at the cash register is not allowed to open until
that person puts down the gun and offers a cellifically
or a song. Okay, I really really think that you
own me my money back fat this training pistol. How
is that? Okay? My money back? Yeah, so you go

(41:13):
thank you bye, Oh my god, Brodney. Yeah, I need
a break. Yeah, I just need to I need to
go on a fiber. Okay, I'll fill in for Can
you get some more juice? Please on my brake? You
want me to get orange, That's why I asked, sure,

(41:36):
do you want a gallon or what your paper straw?
You want the company paper Straw Orange Juice. That's the
brand you want. Okay, I'll get you a gallon of
paper straw. I also want a paper straw in the
orange gain Okay, So you want a count of paper
straw and you want me to sink a paper straw
in there? You know I have three and a half
a minute. No, this doesn't count for my break. Okay,

(41:57):
this can't count for my break. Whenever you want to
get on that? Yes, thank you, thank you. Hi. Welcome
to paper straw where oranges are made of paper and
our straws are made of oranges. Yeah, I'd like to
get a gallon. Uh and could you drop a straw on?
I want to get a gallon of O j And

(42:19):
then could you drop a straw on? Okay, orange juice
or um paper straws or a gallon of orange juice?
And then one straw. Are you sure? Most people order
a gallon of straws and one orange juice. I want
a gallon of juice and then one straw in the gallon. Okay?

(42:40):
Are you sure? I'm just saying we don't do returns
if you look at the sign behind me and says
no returns, um, and then the other sign behind me
that says the order you're ordering is strange. So just
confirming that, and that has kind of a drawing of
your face. What is it that's perfectly drawn? If you're
still deciding I'm just picking up a gallon of straws.

(43:00):
Uh No, I'm not decide I'm getting a gallont Okay,
can you believe this guy? What's weird about that? Every
gallon of straws? It's straight getting the gallon of O J.
That's a normal thing to do, all right, whatever you
have to tell yourself, it's a liquid fluid measurement. It's
not it's not for for straws. Okay, Um, sure, okay,
So it's since it's such a freaking weird order, it's

(43:22):
going to take us about five minutes, two minutes. I
got three minutes on my break. I can't prep that.
Oh sorry, I already punched it in, so you do
have to wait, You don't have I can't go to
the cooler and des grab a gallon to the cooler.
If you go to the cooler, you're going to find
a bunch of straws. There's just all cold straws in here. Yes,
what the hell is up with these colds? There's no
liquid of any kind. Why would there be liquid in

(43:44):
the straw? This is paper straw and just getting my
standard order of a gallon of straw. Okay, Rick, okay,
thank you, Let's see tomorrow. Sorry, we went on a
date yesterday. How do you think it went? I don't
know what based on that report? How do you think
it when? Do you think he likes me? I think
he does. You think he likes me? I think you
seeing other people? If I can be honest, I mean,
that's just a vibe I'm getting. Are you serious? I mean,

(44:04):
I don't know him, but I'm just throwing that out there.
Protect yourself, Are you sure? No? I don't know the
details of this. We had unprotected sex? What that? Why
would you do that? You don't know this man, I
do not know. It's our third date. Okay, well, look,
well then whatever, I'm not going to judge you. I
just think that was a poor choice on your end. Why, Bro,
this dog food has human fingers. This dog food has

(44:27):
human fingers in it. Is that so the dog seems happy? Yeah?
I don't care how happy my dog is. I don't
want dog food with human fingers. I want my money back. Okay, well, listen,
did you read the side of the bag of the ingredients? Now,
let's do that together. Okay, okay, help me, Okay, Barley,

(44:51):
what is Barley serious? What's okay? Cool? I'm fine with grants.
So there's grain? Does that help be grain fingers? Oh?
Say a pretty clear, bro, I don't want human fingers.
I don't care if it says that, Bro, I don't
want that. I want to kill. My dog has been

(45:14):
freaking out. It's got the human flesh flavor. Dog just
spoke a little bit. Yeah. Sure, what's gonna get you
two bags for free? I don't want any more of
these hufu finger fucking bags. Okay, I want some regular
dog food chicken chickens. Fine, what's your name? Want to kill?
My name is Boof? Boof? Did you train your dog
to speak no, I didn't trained my dog to speak

(45:35):
to running a contest, and if we could videotape your
dog speaking, yeah, you could win five thousand dollars. Real
bro Okay, yeah, let's do it. Okay, great, all right,
Now let's go to our video entries to see which
dog has the funniest, cutest, silliest phrase. This is Boof

(45:57):
all the way from Spilping, Connecticut, and here is his video. Kyle,
I'm sorry, this is Dan from the booth. Can you
read that again with less enthusiasm? Just like if that's
a nine, give me a six? Yeah? Sure, all right,

(46:20):
let's uh go to all the videos we have sent
in for the dogs to give us the Okay, I
appreciate the sarcasm, but silly is Yeah, I get it,
I get it. You don't clearly give it him a four?
Stand Stan, I got I'm sorry. I understand you're you're
not someone who likes notes on their performance. I was

(46:42):
a dentist before this, so this is really hard for
me to hear, because you know, I did a lot
of work on myself to get to a point where
I could I was able to work with people. Again,
I respect your choices. Let's go back to how you
were doing it. Ready when you are? I'm not ready.
I'm not ready again. All right, let's just play the
fucking videos and then i'll do it after Okay, let's
just play the videos. Okay, well a right, but we're

(47:04):
just recording the sound wrap around. Just just just just
play the fucking videos. They need to get some of
those ad reads from Dianimo love Jesus Christ. Okay, I'll
just do one of the first studios. So we're not
gonna play video is I mean, do you need something
to get in the mood. We can play. I'd love
for something to get in the mood, for a little

(47:25):
hot damn music to come on. I'll get them. I'll
get him in the mood, and I'll get him in
the mood. Stay in the booth. Open this booth door now,
lock him, don't let him in here. I'm gonna get
you in the mood. Come on back up, open the door.
Take off your p take off your pains. What's the
take off your pain? You got it all right? Now

(47:46):
do some lines at the six? Was it six? We wanted? Alright?
Do it at a six? Okay, I am in the mood, alright, alright,
so we have right here. Okay, that's on the smell
of my Okay, alright, so uh we got some videos
sent in right now of these fantastic animals. These dogs

(48:07):
are gonna be speaking right now. We're gonna pick the
funniest one, the silliest one, and the first video intry
we have is from Booth from Connecticut. Let's go for it. Thanks,
thanks very much, great Larry. I think that's it for today.
Oh I don't go do the ad read Nope? Oh cool,
So we're not doing that. Yeah we do. We do

(48:27):
have seven spots for din Animal Love. So you don't
want me to do it? I just did I just
get fired? My mistake? No, did I just get fired?
Just do the second one? In the fifth one, take
your shirt off, take a shirt off. It's gonna put
you in the bo Okay, okay, it just ruins the acoustics.
Let's throw this outside of the booth. Can we start
this one in an eight and kind of segue to

(48:49):
with four by the end. The Animal Lover the only
group company that offers Think you're at a two? Right,
I'm started at that started at it started, it started.
I'm sorry. I just have this booth in five minutes.
So I just wanted to make sure you guys are

(49:09):
hurrying the funk up. We're hurrying every day we have
this conversation. You get the booth at one Okay, that's
twelve minutes. I can how to read a clock. Okay,
so it's hard. I was leaving at this morning and

(49:29):
you embarrassed me in front of all my best friends.
Let's let's hug best friends. Okay, let's let's hug. I
want to take my pants up first. Okay, this feels better.
Are you in now? I'm in the mood to wait
and to learn how to read. Also, I couldn't hurt
to bring a gown of straws for the room. Thank you.
It's just a nice chest, a room temperature straw. I

(49:50):
don't want to cool strow. Sure, Okay, I'm gonna wait
outside the door, and I'm just gonna look. I'm gonna
stare in. I'm not gonna blink. Okay, it's don't be weird,
don't be weirded out. So you for the booth, huh yeah, yeah,
I'm waiting for you. Are we're in the same recording session.
I'm going in the three clock I just getting really
do that too? Cool? I got it early because I

(50:13):
can't read the clocks with the lines an analog. Yeah,
I always forget. That's how we can't read. Why would
you know what it's rants? Oh yeah, Oh my god,
I'm so sorry. Sorry, Why are you talking to that chair?
Talking to that chair? Oh my god? This is a chair? Yeah,

(50:37):
Oh my god, I feel so embarrassed. I was just
about to ask you out that. I'm on. I shouldn't
do that, right, you can't you know that chair stays here.
I don't know what that chair is telling you, but
that chair has been here at the studio for years.
What if I had, like, what if I did a
date here? I didn't. We didn't. I didn't take the
chair anywhere. I'm sorry. I just haven't felt this with anything. Yeah, no,

(50:59):
I'm really happy. I would love this. Can we get
a hang a steak and then a cod. I'm an engineer,
all right, Okay, Well engineers kind of do the thing
where they can make it all happen. Right, Yeah, I'll
be right back with your fish and your steak. Great,
just any fish anyway, anyway, So your chair A long time,

(51:21):
I forgot my name even Oh my god, that's so funny.
I just remember the sound of it. What does this
sound like Laurence? Well, Lawrence is a name, so that's
probably what it is. Okay, we're doing radio a long
long time. Okay, um o, this state turned, the state

(51:42):
seemed to turn. Yeah, I'm gonna ask for the track. Okay,
we'll split. Do you want to do you mind getting
the whole thing? I don't really have arms, so cash
or anything like that. Um I guess so it'd be great. Yeah.
Do you mind putting me on top of your car
and just gonna taking me downtown? If you don't mind
downtown you don't want to Downtown burned down ten years ago.

(52:04):
All of downtown burned down ten years ago. God, oh
my god, no one tells me anything. Ha oh no,
there was something to jazz there. Okay, here's your fish.
Watch it, watch it. It's it's still flapping around a lot.
Why didn't you kill this thing straight out of the aquarium?
People don't eat rough fish? What are you doing? Can

(52:25):
I have a check please? Okay, right, I'll be right
back to your checks. My steak, he didn't bring my steak?
I love that stick. Oh yeah, that is the way
most scenes end around here. Where's my steak? That's our

(52:45):
show for today. Let's meet and thank our alchemists. Please,
well you met them, let's thank them. Uh, Joey Greer.
Always a pleasure to have you near. Thank you, right,
it's good to be near you. I mean, you've heard
that before. It's nice to hear it again. It really
really is. It's it's just a comfort. It's it's a
relationship blanket that has thrown over me. Can I try

(53:07):
it again with sincerity? Okay? Sure? Where can folks find
you on the interwebs. They can find me on Reddit.
I'm just on there. Just no, just I'm they're just
hanging out there to Reddit. You find me at Jeffy
Greeber on Instagram. And right, it's about it, all right,
cool James Heeney, I mean it's so simple. It's the

(53:29):
real James Heney dot com. Check it out home and
with James Heeney taken. That's why you wrote the real
James Heeney. Actually they're believe it or not, there is
another James Heney. But I tell you now sincerity, I'm
the real James Hei. So go to the real James Heney.
Dot com. I don't think there's any reason to harass

(53:50):
the other James Heney, but he's not real. Okay, that's
fair enough, Greig Katkowski lurking in trolling on Reddit, on Instagram,
and watch the back half of season six with drunk
History and now on. When you say the back half,
of course, you mean well, we shot sixteen episodes and

(54:11):
they chopped him into two half seasons. So yeah, the
final half of the season six part by all right
Caroline Cotter yeah four chan and on Instagram at cotter
poop Cotter Pop. I'm an adult. Yeah, yeah, Thank you

(54:36):
so much for joining us today. Thanks for having me.
Uh it was Let's thank our our engineer to the stars,
Doug our sound design producer Raphael our real time producer
Sophie Lichterman, Sophie and her radio. I encourage you all

(55:01):
to write a review of the show till everyone you've
ever met and right to us with your scene suggestion
at your name here at alchemy this dot com. Your
name here at alchemy this dot com. I'm Kevin Pollock.
Thanks for joining us. Until next time, It's yes