April 28, 2020 • 55 mins
Joey is a garbageman passing by his own house.
A fan wins a guest spot on Alchemy This, and is terrible.
Video gaming grandma streams live on twitch.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of alcomy, this covidition, and
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Ys that Kevin Pollock, Well,
how about we think in terms of following the CDC
guidelines and staying inside unless for essential as the actual cure,
and then crying like babies with picket signs as quarantine
(00:24):
confined inside for another year? How about that those are
the cash tag. Don't be a dick, but I digress.
Let's meet our alcome is, shall we in no particular
or to say hello to Mr James Heeney James Heenington
the third, please complete the following. If I had my
way instead of blank, we would all blank. If I
(00:46):
had my way instead of blank, we would all blank,
all right. If I had it my way, we all
wouldn't get sick when we got to buy us. We
would get superpowers when we got a virus, and instead
of it being something that you didn't want to catch,
(01:07):
you would want to catch that flying disease. Catch the
flying disease. I only had two blanks in there, but
thank you, thank you for the extra words, same price.
Stay the course with Craig Katkowski k account. Is there
a chance I can take delivery by Friday this Friday. Yes,
(01:30):
what's your window? My window is Friday to Friday, Friday
to Friday. Um, I've got like a five eighteen am
oh okay, am eighteen as in yes, uh Friday, okay, good, okay, great,
(01:53):
I got you down. Thank you just need your credit
card number and wait a second. Um, thank goodness for goodness,
it's Jessica Lowe. Jessica. Uh, what was the name of
your childhood imaginary friend? I didn't need one because I
(02:16):
had so many friends who boom, wow, she's feeling confident. Folks.
You can't see this at home, but a mike was
just physically dropped. Uh, take your mask the hell off.
It's Chris Alvarado. Dr Alvarado. Can I get COVID nineteen
by having sweet sweet sex with a Haitian monkey? No? No,
(02:39):
that's no, No, that's fine, Okay cool, Actually it's encouraged.
Oh yeah, I've never felt so good and last but
overpaid for toilet paper online. If you think him leaves,
it's Joey Greer. Connie Ge. Do you think everything tastes
better with dingle berries? Yes, the one of the rarest
of all berries and hard to make hard to make.
(03:03):
How do you make them? Uh? Well, uh, high fiber diet,
a lot of grease, very tight pants and uh, i'd
say about a four mile run. What's all the grease for?
So it comes out smooth? You want them to coogularly,
want them to collect, so you ingest the grease. You
(03:23):
don't insert the Greeks exactly. I know I was doing
something wrong. I'm having a cooking show online if anybody wants,
I live streaming. So if anybody wants to, when is that?
When can we see that? Uh? It's two thirty in
the morning every every Monday, so check it out, so
to technically Tuesday morning? Yes, are you sure? Is that
(03:44):
two thirty am Pacific time? P B P D T.
Oh boy, let's do a damn show. As my Almost
all of our scenes are listener emails. The others are
patron v I P Priority emails. Uh. If you'd like
to submit your listener email, please do we encourage that
as well as writing a review. Perhaps James has got
(04:06):
a new one for us today we'll find out certainly
he does. Please write your emails to us. I love
hearing from you. I truly, truly do I think you
all know by now. I reply to each and every
damn email right to your name here at alchemy this
dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this dot com.
See number one comes from patron v I P. Jamie Garcia,
(04:26):
who wrote, Hey, Alchemy this I'm the dude that suggested
the dog with thumbs and the doctor that cheated through
medical school. Oh I remember those. Today is trash pickup
day and as Joey, you're young and spry refuse collection
technician in parentheses, the dude hanging off the back of
(04:49):
the truck dumping your garbage as he passes by his
own house. His own house, You'll all caps never believe
what finds in his can. When this wacky end of
the world antics are over, I'm going to fly out
to see you guys at the West Side Comedy Theater.
Be well till then, sincerely, Jamie Garcia. All right, yeah,
(05:15):
so well, we'll just hit up these streets right here,
and then do you mind if we popped by my
my house. Wait, well, you're not supposed to be going
over to your house on your shift. If you want
to take a break at lunch, you can go to
your house, but not I need to let me just look,
let's just dump my trash and then we'll move on. Okay,
I'm getting a lot of heat at home, so let's
just it's gonna go in the regular order. We're gonna
pick up your trash later. I mean, it's it's two
(05:36):
blocks away. We're gonna have to circle around again. That's
gonna be like in the four hours. All right, all right,
but this is priority access that not many people would get.
Of course, the priority access, I mean, that's a whole
point of doing this, don't we huh for the perks?
You do this for the perks, Louis how many of
your family members do we hit off route? Hey, it's different.
I've been here for a long time. My family is
(05:57):
kind of the reason this carbage company exists company, the reason,
you know what, what other family has can dropped this
many family members into a business is mine just like
over history and time? What are you talking about? Like
you gotta earn this kind of what do you mean?
This company runs on the blood of the Smithson's. Okay,
(06:21):
it wouldn't be here for West for the Smithson's. Come on,
are you kidding me? This is this is a public
we need every every city, every town's got there we're
talking about. Yeah, but this lives is a particularly trashy town,
and we have put a lot of time and effort.
We're now you're just sitting here talking to me. Get
your fucking trash. Smith's are you saying, well, you know,
(06:42):
maybe that's a problem. Maybe you and your family are
causing all these problems. Huh. Maybe you and your family
are making this town a little more trashy, so you'll
got more jobs. This is the dirtiest town I've ever
been to my goddamn life. No, you know what my trash,
my trash is cleaned before we even put it out there.
We have respect. Let's take a look at what you
kind of sucking trash. You got your fucking trash can Oh,
now we're going to my house. Well here, we'll here.
We're sitting in front of your house. I just pulled
(07:04):
up what's inside. Look, man, let's just go to dumb
this stuff, all right, that's I want to see what's
in there. It's a federal to go through my garbage,
all right. Yeah, it's a federal crime if you don't
give me permission. But you know I gave priority access
to you. Okay, Mrs Carlson. So your husband is working currently,
is that correct? That's correct? Okay. Well, my partner and
(07:26):
I here, Uh, we've been doing this a lot, this
for a long time. So we're gonna we're gonna wire
you up. Okay. The gentleman will come here to try
to buy the firearms from you. You need to make
sure to get the cash, and as soon as you
get the cash, my partner and I will bust right in.
It Ain't that right, Ricky? Absolutely? What do I kid? Okay? Great? Well, uh,
(07:51):
like a dick, today's last day. I'm so sorry, Ricky.
Everybody's got to have a last day. It's fine, It's
it's for the best. Okay. So your husband won't be
home until five six pm? How do you know that?
I'm assuming based on a nine to five job, Ricky.
I can't wait till you leave the whatever the funk
(08:14):
we do? Okay, Ricky, you want to wire I'm the one.
I'm the one leaving, and yet you're so dismissive about
what we do for a living and give our blood
and sweat to whatever the funk we do? Okay? Kind
of attitude is that? Listen, honestly, I'm I'm sad that
you're leaving, and I'm taking it out on you, and
I shouldn't be doing that. You come to the party,
of course, Well be at the party, al right. Excellent, excellent,
(08:36):
just just gonna be you and me. So he's gonna
wire me? I just okay, yeah, okay, So Ricky's gonna
wire you. The house are just a whole bunch of guns.
It might goddamn trash. Jeezus, did you throw this out?
I'm gonna throw this out. Somebody put this in here, Okay,
Smiths and a lot of what it's a lot of guns.
(08:59):
It's a lot of fit in the brim that you
wanted to go off route and really quick sneak this
into the trash can back there. I mean it's already,
smith and I I don't know what the health this is. Look,
we gotta get rid of this. Okay, dude, we gotta
get rid of Look there's dogs everywhere around here. Okay,
Can I go? Can I go through your garbage? Uh yeah,
(09:22):
I'm looking for sure, looking for cans. Yeah yeah, yeah,
let him do it, let him touch the guns. I'm
just the guy look up for cans. Yeah yeah, yeah, whatever, man, whatever, Yeah, yeah,
just let this guy touch the guns. His prints will
get on the guns, and then we're good. We're good
at worst case scenario. This guy takes the rap, all right,
But the rep for what for the guns man? What
(09:43):
these things are? What does guns do? Hold on a second, buddy,
can guy? I got a name? What is it? Man? Grover?
Get the funk out of Your name? Is broke? Are
you faking kidding me? Why would I kid you about that?
I mean, I don't know. When you're wearing a cape,
(10:03):
you've got two pairs of sunglasses on your face. You know,
I don't know, super grow walk. It's a really bright day. Yeah,
I mean yeah, I guess. I guess it's glare from
the bottom coming up and hit me there. I guess
I can make an excuse. I get it, I get it.
Do you know what a gun does? Mrs Carlson? Is
that is that your husband is a garbage man? Correct? No,
(10:28):
there's a garbage truck right in front of your house.
You didn't say he was coming home early? Well, this
isn't normally on Joey's route. I don't I don't know. Huh.
Is there a chance we could go out and talk
to him. Maybe that's him maybe, And there's a lot
of garbage trucks and times he's very jealous if he
sees two men coming out of his house. I don't
know what he's Let's see what happens. It could be fun.
(10:49):
So we don't have to ask him for permission to
go talk to him. We can just go do this.
What do you say? I say? It could be a
lot of fun. Can I just be straight up with you?
I'm team Ricky now, hey, so so am I? And
he easy to leaving me. But now it's not the
time to get into that. We're going to talk to
this Joey character and see what the fuss going on.
And first of all, I'm not saying I don't know
(11:11):
what I'm saying. I don't know what that's exactly what
you're saying. Okay, that's exactly Grover. Have you ever driven
a dump truck before? Yeah? Just a few times, a
few times. We'll get the hell in there. Let's drive
and talk. All right, let's drive talk. Hey, there's some
good stuff in here. You get some roise? Do I
have some lucroise there? You get some lucrois in there. Yeah,
(11:34):
and then it as my wife. Hold on a second,
get out of the car, grow, get out of the car.
This is okay. I think my wife is having an
affair with some Are you fucking my wife? What are
you sinking my wife? Grover? I don't live anywhere, need
I just walk around the neighbor looking for cans, looking
for adults here? All right, Ricky? Al right, that they are.
We're gonna approach them right now. But listen before we
(11:56):
head over there. This is gonna be one of our
last time was doing a thing, you know what I mean.
So let's make it stick. Yeah, make it memorable. I'm
gonna kis you with the cheek real quick. Okay, alright,
no problem, wasn't so bad. You know, if it's for Europe,
you don't have to hit the other cheek as well.
Hey we're in Europe. Come here. Oh yeah, alright, good stuff?
(12:16):
I get too, right, don't I get to? Yeah? Yeah,
I owe you too. Are you guys done with these
diet cokes? I'm still drinking mine. I mean, you can
have mine. I don't want yours. I just feel like
you've only finished about a third of it and you
asked me for a diet coke. You said that sounds delicious,
(12:37):
So your point is you're wasteful. Okay, go do whatever
you want with my husband. He's gonna murder you. Today
we're gathered to remember Ricky h fantastic field agent, an
individual who gave everything he had to the force and
to his parson. Um. We all know he was stabbed
(12:59):
several times in the throw with a Locroix can uh
and he passed on the scene. Um, and we have
a new detective who's a dog. So everyone just please
just show respect to that. Excuse me, do you mind
if I go through the casket? That's our scene one.
(13:20):
Scene one stabbing the throat with several times by whom
tune in next week because of death was included in
the eulogy, as it always is. Scene two comes to
us from listener Matt, who wrote, Hello Alcolm, this, thank
(13:43):
you so much for continue to the show despite our
current confinement. It's a bright spot in my week. It
makes me appreciate you all even more than I already did.
A few nights ago, I had a dream that I
was allowed to participate in an episode of Alchemy. This
I completely bombed and everyone noticed, but it did give
(14:03):
me a scene suggestion. A fan wins a guest spot
on an episode of the Alchemy THISSK podcast and he
or she is just terrible. Thanks. Alright, yes, it is
all right. So you your caller number twenty two. All right, now,
if you answer this correctly, you have an opportunity to
be on the improv comedy podcast Alchemy. This. Oh my god,
(14:25):
I'm so nervous. It's all right, It's okay. And your
first question is. In ninety two, General Corgan Teason out
of the Swiss Armies second Division had a tank and
he had a little thing inside the tank that made
it that he loved so much. It was a little ball.
What was the name of that little ball? Jim? Gonna
(14:48):
see my office please of course. Yeah. Listen, extra coffee please,
no listening to the show. I was listening to the
show this morning. What do you think I had? My
problems with the contest you were running? Hold on? My
my little son is yes, my boy. Oh, I should
just go back to where I was, Daddy getting into trouble.
(15:09):
I shouldn't be I. In fact, I'm gonna hide in
your office. Yeah. So, as I was saying, Phil, uh,
what do you think he seems like he's an okay guy?
Like maybe gonna skip a generation in terms of what
I deem you as the knucklehead. The question this morning
to the guests trying to win a spot on Alchemy
(15:29):
this the Swiss general. What what was that? I'm sorry?
You think my son is an okay guy? I think
it's terrific. I think he's terrific and he stands up
terrific Sarah. How did you know the answer to that?
I didn't. It just came to me. I just thought,
what would a ball in nineteen thirty two be named? Right?
(15:54):
Oh my god? Who can you get to go hang
out with Alchemy? This? That's our favorite podcast? Yeah? Yeah,
do me a favor. Tell me what Craig at Calsy
smells like? Okay? Hey Trump, Drup, Well, I would say
(16:14):
dropped dead. That's not what I'm gonna say, Trup. What
am I trying to say? We just come on? Look,
do you have any change? Son? I don't have any changed? Yeah?
Well I'm sorry. Look, we don't want to change for
the bus. Do you mind if we if once we
get off on our stop, I'll be able to get
changed if I go and say it's okay. Please, sir,
I'm with my son. I just I just got fired.
(16:34):
You want to go home, just want to go home.
Please please let us go home. You need you need
the bus fare, sir, Please, I just got fired. This
is my son. Okay, look at him, we look exactly
the same. How could this not be my son? Are
you actually gonna say this isn't my son. I'm not
saying he's not your son. I'm saying you don't have
enough fair to get on the bus. What makes you
(16:55):
think that this isn't my boy? We're blood. I'll send
on my dad's loud. Let's go, move it, move it.
I got places to be look at people, got places
to me. Come on, let's just we'll get on there quickstop.
It's but he's one guy. Why do we have to
wait with his? One guy? Okay, we don't have to wait.
(17:15):
I'm if you don't have the money, I'm heading out.
What do you what do you do? What do you do?
What the god? Damn it, goddamnit. I don't what time
the bus come? What times the bus? It just passed?
That miss the bus, Yes, you missed the bus. So
(17:36):
I supposed to meet my cousin. You must have been
on that one. Look, do you mind watching my son?
I gotta get some change. I'd love to watch. I
don't want to stay with him. Dad. What's your name?
You're gonna be fun. I'll be right back. Hey boy,
what's your name? My name's Todd. You ever seen the
Gladiator movie? No? I have not seen the Gladiator? Move
(18:01):
what is your father movie? You like? The final movie? What?
What is the movie you like? I can't get on
the bush and have any money? Well, I got you covin.
How about uh two dollars for adults, one dollar for
(18:24):
kids who sell it there in a suitcase. Okay, but
can I help you? Yeah? Oh sorry, yeah, yeah you
I think I was here first. Go ahead, go ahead.
Who are you speaking to? Are you talking? Are you
talking to me? Yes? Whoever is whoever? Is ready? Okay,
(18:45):
I'm ready, I'm ready. Who are you speaking to? Okay? Look,
you've got you've got a five dollar bill. You look
like you just need change. I'm willing to. Yeah, that's me.
I'm waving it. Actually, I have a ten here, any
change for this ten in the back? My son is alone? Line, sir,
(19:07):
there's the line and five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
There you go. You're handsome, You're handsome. I have a quarter.
I'm thinking that five pieces of metal are more valuable
than one semi lodge a piece of metal. So I'm
hell out of the way, Get the hell out of
the way, all right now, I have five dollars here.
(19:28):
Did you have any change left? Sure you need? You
need five singles? Yes? Uh yes. If you can make
it ten singles, that's fine as well. I can't make
it ten signals. Signals are singles. I like ten signals.
If you can't, I can't give you that many signals.
I can do. I can do five singles for a
(19:48):
five dollar bill. Were you trying to get on the
bus by the way, Yes, my son is at the
bus station, and and and and there's a man he's
he's with. I don't know him, but he seems fine.
He was very wet. Look. I used to do a
radio show. I just got cammed. Can you believe it?
I recognize your voice. You've got those ridiculously hard contest questions, right, yeah, yeah,
(20:11):
But finally finally some lady answered it correctly yesterday and
you got fired for that? Yeah? Uh well, I can't
wait to hear that episode of Alchemy this that she's
gonna guess on. Yeah, yeah, it's gonna be It's gonna
be something, you know. Um, I don't really tell. There's
a lot of people, but I think we're in another
time in place now, all right, guys listen. UM, So
(20:35):
her name is Sarah. She seems to be a big fan.
I don't know. I think she's an alkamaniac. So I
I don't really want to talk to her. James, do
you want to talk to her? Make her for comfortable
or whatever. Contest was never supposed to be one. What
the fun is going on? I guess she's really smart,
but she's also a big fan, so I don't I
don't know. We were promised it was an impossible task. Yeah,
we had that ringer at the radio station was supposed
(20:55):
to have ridiculous questions that could never be answered. She
got it right, sh chang Hi, Oh my god, I'm
I'm a hugger. I'm a hugger. Oh oh oh, Chris,
(21:17):
you're ver shorter than I thought. Thanks, thank you three.
Oh Craig, Oh you smell like like fresh cut grass. Well,
thank you. I was just working on the lawn this morning. Joey,
your nose is bleeding. Kevin, Wow, you're the contest winner. Yes,
(21:45):
what's your name? Sarah? Hi, Sarah? Where are you from? God,
I'm so nervous. I'm from Nebraska. Um. Yeah, can you
tell us the second and third thing you're most excited
about being here? I'm excited about maybe getting um like
an alchemy this uh hat and may maybe a lacroix.
I don't know that that hat thing is never gonna happen.
(22:08):
These original has cost Kevin Pollock a hundred forty five each.
It's true, that's true. I did. I was so determined
to get them before our first recording. I might have overpaid.
Haven't you have to scale? Sorry to to barge in here, y'all,
but there's a problem with the studio, So we're gonna
have to record in the in the bathroom, So we're
just gonna have to climb in there. What's the problem
(22:29):
with the studio? Uh, well, there's just some wild animals
that's got in there. They just tore it up and
the bathroom the solution. Did Anderson Cooper get in there? Um?
You know? No, no, No, wasn't any of the house dogs.
It was just it was some kind of beast. I'm
not a hundred percent. Maybe was some kind of Yeah,
(22:49):
I don't want to speculate, some kind of bore wolf hybrid,
some kind of genetic thing. One wrong, Sah, well you
worked up. There is the but what's the butt? It
might be melitant? Okay, Oka, Sarah? Have you ever improvised before?
Do you know James Heeney? Of course I know James Heeney. No,
(23:11):
I have never James James a bear wolf hybrid? No,
no, no no, you're saying it wrong. It's Heeney, That's what
I said. He me, No, you don't know James Heeney.
And I think she said a boar wolf hybrid, which
is even more horrific. We get it. You're smart, Okay,
Jesus Christ can we just got this episode going? So
(23:34):
I'm sorry to interrupt. What's going on? What is it, Sophie?
But I got these these sketches I sketched myself of
like what I think it looks like. Soy, Dr Craig,
take a look at those. What do you think? Well,
it's got a boar's head and a wolf's body, so
you're thinking a if a pig and a wolf made it.
(23:58):
It would just be I'm just saying, maybe that's where
all that nice Deli meat comes from, that kind of animal. Sarah,
what did you do actually to win this opportunity? I
just called into a radio show. You just called in, Yeah,
and I knew the ball was called a boing boing
(24:19):
and they let me come here. Well you didn't know
the boing boing. Kevin Doug said, we're going live in
five four Wait, we're going to live. Welcome back to
another episode Alchemy. This I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes,
that Kevin Pollock. What's that? Yeah? Shut your face, but
(24:40):
I digress. Let's meet our alchemists and guest alchemists, starting
with that guest alchemist who won a contest apparently. I'll
let her tell you about it. Sarah. Is that the name? Yes,
Sarah Connor. It's a bo it's got a wolf set
(25:05):
at a pig's body. Yeah, And I told him I
thought it was a boar wolf for um. And you
still can't get on the bus that Okay. I just
I left my change in the office and and I
just you know, it was I couldn't grab any change
or any it's a dollar fifty. If you have a
five dollar bill, you know you can pay more than
(25:26):
the fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just all my change
was at the office. I had to run out because
there's a drive the We can't wait for his crap. Please,
I'm begging very stop. It's something. Okay, Look, this guy's
trying to find his cousin. I'm driving him around town.
Just I'll tell you what. Just get on the bus. Hey, everybody,
(25:49):
thanks for coming to the funeral of James heeny Um.
As you might have heard because we we aired the episode.
He was eating alive by a bolf and we're gonna
miss him. But I'm happy to announce that we have
two new cast members to alchemy this. We have Sarah
from Nebraska and we have James he Me. Ladies and gentlemen,
(26:13):
I've done. My son is dead. Yes, Mrs he needs
so please let it go. I'm a lone James him
God that that thing has no hair and no island.
They're good, You're growing. I'm dreamed, Jim where there's like
(26:37):
three different kinds of coffee in this casket. This is good.
Do you mind if I collect these cans? He's rummaging.
I'll be out of your way in no time. Sure,
take your time, Mrs Heeney. Can I have a word
with you first? I want to say sorry because I
(26:57):
loved your son. Um, do you did? I just have
a quick question. Do you happen to know why his
audio is always a little weirder than everyone else's even
though he was the most tech savvy of the group.
That was the problem from when he wasn't baby, his
audio was always too low to high. I just wish
somebody would have turned him up a little, you know
(27:18):
what I mean? He deserved. Hey, there's a there's a
bloink boy in here. I didn't know that he knew
was Swiss. Oh that's a family crest. Well here, did
you want to record a quick episode alive? Let's do
it on the dame of your son's funeral, Just Chris,
(27:41):
I just want to say that, Um, just grieving so much.
And yeah, you could take your shirt off. That made
me feel a little better. What's that If you could
just pop that top off real quick, my top? I mean,
if you it'll make you feel better here, okay there, yeah, yea,
And we're going live from the funeral in five four three. Whoa,
(28:06):
I'll come back to another episode of Alchemy this. I'm
your host, Kevin Park. We're coming to you live from
the James Heeny funeral. We've got his funeral mother standing
by U. Mrs Heeny, could you tell us the third
thing the third time? Rather when uh, little James, Little
(28:26):
tiny James, his audio gave you trouble? Oh? I remember
when he was giving his recital. He was doing Peter
Pear the musical right and he was Peter. He was
playing Peter both. It's Mrs Enid. How did it know
(28:53):
that scene too? I think? So? How are we spelling both?
Because I'd really like to write it down? Well? Be
o l F that's half four half wolf sure b
O l F Billfenstein. What's that? It's a Wolfenstein? Seen
(29:22):
three comes to us from patron v I P. I'm
gonna spell it first because there's a challenge within the
text of the email on pronouncing it correctly capital m
m and Mary capital m oh and as a Nancy
z e Manzi mans manza. Where are they from? Uh,
(29:47):
let's get into it, Hi, Hi ho. Alchemists love the show,
which you probably guess considering I pay for this free content.
They're from you Bill apparently absolutely adore Craig Gatkowski and
Joey Greer, So one out of two ain't bad. Not
(30:08):
that I don't like everyone else, but I think I'm
allowed my favorites, especially now that the plague has descended
and my boss won't listen to my arguments about revoking
our essential status. We're just a bank. No one needs money.
See suggestion. Video gaming Grandma with a popular Twitch channel
(30:29):
can't wait to hear what how you butcher my name? Manzi?
The mons the man's How did Fonzie spell Fonzie n
z i E? So yeah, there's no eye, so it
can't be Manzi manas j Lo you said Manza Mansa. Okay,
(30:55):
we'll go with dad, and now we take you to
the video gaming Grandma the popular church channel. Uh grahanamed
Jr On in about thirty seconds to have any questions
for us? No, I am ready, Freddy, okay, ready, Freddie indeed?
And um, what's the game you're playing today? I'm playing
(31:16):
Dead Man Walking? Alrighty? And uh you're taking challengers? We're
taking calls for challengers? Is that correct? I am sorry, Luke?
Can I tell you for a second, yep, excuse me
a second. What the hell is going on? You know
what we're doing. If you come to the briefings, you'll
know what we'll be doing. Okay, I'm just here, new
at twitch. I just got she's nine six years old?
(31:37):
All right, so her before she goes on to a stream.
For God's sake, last question, I'm not built for this,
It's all right, Oh ship, she's spiraling? Can we get
can someone play some music from the twenties? A colmer down? Please? Please? Luke?
You know I used to be a dancer. You should
have seen these legs. Uh oh we know. Yeah, that's
(32:01):
very nice, June, very nice, Luke. Look, do you see
what you did by asking questions this basicle? She's spiraling out?
Do you not see how used chat? I was watching
the live stream and she's playing dead Man walking? Is
that not a problem to you? Guys? A problem? It's
(32:24):
the video game equivalent of The Ring, the movie. She
could die, so that she prepared for this kind of
game live wit. You actually believe that this game can
cursed you? And I've never known somebody that wasn't cursed,
that wasn't able to complete the game. Geez, you are
one of the biggest conspiracy theorist I've ever in my life.
(32:46):
Do you know that? What are you talking about? Who
do you know that has not beaten a game that
started it, that wasn't cursed a whole bunch of people,
a whole bunch of people. You're the guy who said,
if I have salami, I'm gonna end up losing skin
on my back. That's what you told me, that said
hard salami, hard salami. I can have the soft Listen,
(33:07):
I've turned it into my badge. I'm not going to
be part of this. You're about to butcher an old woman.
Here's what you get. This l a p D bad
So where the hell'd you get there? Well? It was
it was from Halloween last year. We did the costume
thing and I don't know whose it is, but it's not.
This is a legit PDA. This is this is a
homlesside detective. And here's my key fob to get into
the Twitch building. Here. Huh, this is an n say
(33:29):
key FuMB Where the hell do you get that? Okay,
but that one's mine. Actually I need that back. You
know what. I'm leaving though, I don't want to be
responsible for this woman's death. It's on your shoulders. Hey, Blake,
is it true you're gonna You're gonna challenge the Grandma today?
Dead Man Walking? Yeah, Bro, I'm awesome, but dead Man Walking? Yeah,
but you're not Grandma good. I think I'm pretty good.
(33:52):
I mean, it's pretty straightforward, right. It's based on the
Tim Robbins film with Sean Penn and Susan Surranded. Um,
so you're an inmate on death row and then None
tries to get you to repent before before you're executed.
But Blake, but I heard, um, I heard some secret
rumblings in the video game Underground that it's also kind
(34:12):
of linked to the movie The Ring. And so if
you beat Grandma like you might die. Yeah, there's a
rumor that if you stay on death row at the
end of the game, you're actually executed by legal injection.
Are you afraid of that? Fuck? No? Bro, Hell yeah,
I'm gonna beat this game. Thanks for coming out to
(34:32):
make out point with me. And just you know, I'm
kind of I don't know how to say this. I'm
really just scared of you playing that game tomorrow, and
I just I don't know, I kind of just want
you to not do it. What if you die, babe?
What are you scared of? Scared of losing you? I'm
scared of not being able to have a baby with you?
What if you can't get pregnant after this? Let me
lick your ear? Okays? Hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa police?
(34:59):
I'm sorry, let's go. What's your badge? What do you
get off me? Stop pushing me? Show him your bad job?
Push me man, twitch star? Motherfucker Jesus Christ, where'd you
get that gun? Alright? Kill him? Blake? Trash candle Right,
I'm leavings. Christ. What did you find in my ear? Blake?
(35:24):
There's a lot of good stuff. Did you find that ring? Oh? Yeah? Wow?
Is this the way of proposing to me? Babe? Baby?
I want to marry you right now. Let's fuck do it.
But you have to promise me you're not going to
play that game? All right? Yeah? I promise I won't
play Dead Man walking in a competition with a grandma
(35:47):
on Twitch tomorrow. Yeah, I promise, Thank you, Thank you, Blake.
Fingers crossed behind my back? What the funk? Are you serious?
And now we're are no fun? You got me? God?
Damn it? Sho, I just swallowed your ring. Hold on,
hey can't I'm back. It's me again. It's the cop again.
(36:07):
I'm back. I was just I just radio into the station.
Show us your bag. I have a badge. What do
you I just show it. Don't get your hands off
of me. Show you pizza ship. I'm leaving. Jesus so annoying?
What did you find in my ear? Oh there's like
(36:31):
a cracker in there? How did you get that in there?
I crumpled it up. I really feel that diamond cutting
me inside. All right, so you are the gaming grandma?
Is that correct? That's correct? We are so excited to
team up with you. Monster Energy Drink is excited to
be with you. So today you're going live. You're gonna
(36:55):
challenge people to play with you, and whoever wins dies.
Is that correct? That's correct? You know I used to
be a dancer. Oh god, alright, well here, just hold
this Monster Energy drink and get ready to play. Debt.
That's heavy. That sixty announces announces of slamming slamming energy. Here.
(37:18):
I'll pour some in a thimble for you. What do
you say? That sounds perfect? There you go, all right?
Have fun? Dead Men Walking Live? What up, What up?
What up? I'm the video playing Grandma and I'm here
to play dead Man walking. Come on, motherfucker's come on. Okay,
(37:40):
Sister Helen is entering the maximum security prison. She's going
through security. She has to turn in her rosary beads.
She is now approaching death. Yeah, alright, I'm on death
row holding the bars on my cell's Grandma. Okay? Then,
(38:02):
oh no, I walked into a corner. I don't know
how to walk away from this. There's like five cells, Like,
what do you It can't be that hard. It's just
a wall. Turn around, She's just spinning circle. Do you
know how to use your controller? Have you ever played
a video game? That monster energy drink fucked up my hands.
(38:27):
I'm in another corner. I want to request the last meal,
Request the last meal? Hell yeah, hell yeah. Um. I
want a fucking saltine and my girlfriend's here. I want
to cookies and cream shake. I want uh, I want
(38:47):
a barbecue burger with bacon and uh avocado. I want
a cop salad no blue cheese that. I'm just looking
at the sky. I'm to just fallen down. I'm laying down.
What is she is? She outside? She again? Inside the prison.
This is the first screen, and that's a beautiful humulus cloud.
(39:11):
It looks sort of like a bunny. Oh ship, Blake,
you made it. This is the last night. It's the
last hour of death row. All right, bring on the
lethal injection. Dude, Hold on though, what did you actually
really die? Dude? It's a video game. Okay, go do
it anyway. I'm a merried man, that's true. Oh, here
(39:35):
he comes. He has a syringe. Okay, all right, inject
me and checked ng and oh god, I'm so sorry.
Oh why did I kill those people? What? No? I
feel terrible. What's coming on? I'm a murderer. He's fine, Sorry,
(39:59):
I killed those people, Blake, give me your arm. I'm
and inject it does? Come you down? Oka? What are
you doing him? Nothing up on the street. I just
met them. Okay, sorry, down baby, baby, come down. You're
gonna be fine. It's just a game. It's a terrible game.
(40:21):
It's a terrible game. Why would basic video game on jed?
You're right, people people died from the game. I'm sorry.
I called you conspiracy theorists. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Well,
I guess i'm sorry too. I thought it was gonna
be the old lady Diane. I honestly always hated that
(40:45):
twitch star. What was his name? It doesn't matter, Blake,
you don't want Blake or yeah, probably Blake. It's probably
Blake because it says right here in the casket, do
you mind if I get in here and look around
a little bit? Hey, away, get away from that salts
in here. I'm just here for corporate. Uh. As I
(41:08):
was saying, Blake wasn't only a great gamer, he was
a great friend and a great husband. That's my husband.
She's currently has handcuffs on because she's being investigated. Uh.
They're looking at her into the murder of of Blake.
I don't know what else to say except fun that
gaming grandma, because if she didn't challenge him, Blake would
(41:31):
still be here today. Oh no, I'm in the casket somehow, Blake.
Can someone help me out of this casket? I just
see dark I can't get out lower it. I'm in
the casket with Blake. I'm alive. Is anyone hearing that?
(41:52):
Am I crazy? No? I hear it too, Okay, you do.
It's too shocked to be a real person's voice. I
can barely hear it. That's how I feel about you. Really. Alright,
I'm gonna get in that cash kid. Yeah, let's get
(42:12):
in this castie together. Come on, Oh thank you for
letting me. How so I'm not allowed to root through
the casket for cans, but you guys can all get
in there, Steve, can I see my office for a
second place. I wanted to talk about the dead Man
Walking video game that you design. Sure, sure, yeah, with
(42:36):
the problem, no problem, have a seat. Just starting to
hear some feedback. People have hot properties that have been
adapted from movies. They do, they do, It's just ours
is the first to kill someone? So off it? Say again?
Tim Robins signed off on the game. Yeah he seems healthy.
But um, a couple of the players have died and
(43:00):
and I'm just curious if you anticipated that. Well, until
we abolish the death penalty in this country, trying to
die on death row? So oh, I see, so you're
treating the games. It's clear like real life. If you
sign up for the game, you will in fact be
treated like someone on death rop. There you might die,
(43:21):
that's right. Hi, sorry to interrupt, um, jail, What's what's
going on? This is gonna sound weird? But there's there's
a wild beast in the office. Tim. Did Tim come
back from vacation? It's not Tim. That's funny joke, though,
that's really funny. It's not Tim. It's like an actual
it's like a beast, and it's like whole office up.
(43:44):
The head of the boar and a body of a wolf,
or the head of a wolf in the body of
a boar, because it's one's both. It could be a
bull for it could be a war. I'll go check. Yeah,
thanks Joe. I think we lost Joe um so again, Steve.
People who play the game we just signed, they need
(44:05):
to sign a release of some kind. We can't just
be killing people. There's a disclaimer on the box. There is.
And by the box, of course, you mean the video
game box. You know, people are getting this as a
as a digital upload, Steve, How you doing. I represent
Jim Robbins and he's pretty upset about his depiction in
the video game that you create. Jim Robbins. Jim Robbins, Yes, okay,
(44:27):
so you have him as a He's a floating uh
piece of soap that is, speaks to the characters throughout
the game and guides them along that's right. Is a
soap that you might find in the shower of a
of a maximum security penitentiary, right, right, and uh it's
kind of he's uh taken that personally as anyone would.
And I'm offering you a cease and desist letter. Okay,
(44:50):
thank you, you're offered. Okay, I'm offering you nothing. Oka.
Hi Steve, thanks for coming into my office. Um, represent
so many suits? Yeah, I represented the deceased Jill, the
assistant at the building you're at. Um, now we have
we have video surveillance footage of you and another gentleman
(45:13):
continuing on your conversation while she was being mulled by
the book by the war. Um, that makes you comple complicit? Complicit?
What's the word I'm looking for. You are a lawyer, right, Yeah,
that's correct. So you get my Steve, I represented the
lawyer that was just in here, maybe about a couple
of hours ago. Yeah, And so he wanted me to
(45:34):
come in here and say that he's suing you because
you're telling people that he mispronounced a word when we
were having a conversation. Well, I'm feeling pretty complacent about
how complicit I am in this murder. M What did
you say? I just did a little play on words
two similar sounding words. Look, I don't remember this particular death.
I've really left a wake of of destruction in my path.
(45:58):
So you're gonna have for me a little more specific
when you're talking about somebody who's death, I'm responsible for Hi, Steve, what?
I am a mediator here? This is the gaming grandma.
She was buried alive, but she managed to come out,
and she is now suing you because your video game
has ruined her life. Bring it on. You ruined my life.
(46:21):
I got trapped in a goddamn coffin with like seven people.
It was horrible. I'm sick of it. You ruined my
Twitch account. This dog outside won't stop barking. I just
my life's in shambles. Okay. I used to be the
face of Monster Energy, and now I got nothing. What
(46:43):
can I fail say that? I feel legitimately awful about
your your plate, and I think we should settle it
the only way that we can, which is over a
game of dead Man Walking. All right, Okay, do you
want to be on death row or do you want
to be Sister Helen? Don't death row? Okay, great, I'll
(47:04):
be sister Helen. Uh, make sure you listen to Jim
Robbins playing the bar of Soap. He's gonna give you
good advice. All right, now, I'm walking. Okay, you're walking walking?
He seated, you're walking. Oh sorry, my boy, I'm walking.
(47:27):
Oh no, I got it, dead end. I'm really bad
at video games. Okay, just just use your just keep
going all the way to the left, keep going all
the way. I'm just making a circle. Okay, well get
get face straight again and now go straight. All right, Okay,
(47:54):
try left right, a B right left, no da, And
that's so sure for today. Oh man. Oh for those
of you at home that are piecing together the genius
(48:14):
and playing the game along with us, it's possible that
as that scene started in the chat area of Zoom,
Jessica Low did type I don't know anything about video
games or Twitch, and then one every gold star playing
out the scene. So thank you, champion. That was amazing,
(48:39):
Thank you all very much. I gotta learn how to
do it from James Peeney. But what you should do
is you should have mouse and keyboard. You're using a
controller and you're not going to have the same control
James James. She wasn't playing the game I had. I
had patent paper I can't win with. She kept drawing
(49:00):
herself into the corner. Well, thank you all very much.
Let's go around and thank you individually, starting with Jessica though,
thank you so much. Um. How was the drive? No
reason to share your actual location unless you want to
just give us the address. But you guys went for
a little road trip to visit some family in this time?
How was that? It was great? And Sonny was a
(49:23):
very good boy in the back seat. We got a
little car seat far um right next his best friend.
It was great. That is awesome. Everyone's safe and sound, excellent,
and thank you very much, um for joining us in
the world. Yeah, please stay healthy and all the best
to your family. Joey career. Yes, uh, how's moms and
(49:46):
pops in the Florida State? Good? My dad it calls
me when he goes into this car and just sits
there and calls me. He likes to go out to
the car and sit. Yeah, so they're going insane. But
besides that, one's good. Everyone's healthy than God. And that's it.
Just losing their mind, just losing their mind, which is
a good thing to lose, is it? Yeah, okay, better
(50:11):
than losing, but lung capacity totally. I see what you're saying,
James HEMI M well, my friend mml X says that
we are it's his her favorite podcast. Anyways helped me.
This is my favorite podcast, every cast member. It's a
(50:34):
very close friend. And here where's this review being shared
on Apple iTunes? Alight, I'm sorry, Actually it's Apple Podcasts.
I don't know the same thing, because when you started
to speak, it sounded like you're only just relaying to
us the feelings that a friend of yours shared, And
I just want to let the listeners know you were
reading a review. It's a review. I not people knew
(50:57):
that by now. If I'm if I start reading a review,
it's it's not from a letter that I got from
a friend. You were reading. It sounds like because you
were recalling a memory. Well, that's just really good at
cold reading. If anybody wants me to audition for anything,
that was me cold reading a review, Okay, I'd love
(51:18):
you to audition. I'd love you to audition right now
for a brilliant improviser wrapping up their portion of a podcast.
All right, Well, it continues then like this when they
have guests fill in, they're all excellent too. This is
only podcast I've ever supported on Patreon. They completely deserve it.
(51:38):
I can't reconnect, but can they have take No did
you say? And that's harder to say than the actual word.
(52:00):
So much we're cold reading skills, James. UM. I would
like to follow that up with a note from a
brand new patron v I P member, Kevin Quast k
w A S. T. Quast, who wrote, so I joined
as a patron v I P, and I challenged ten
(52:21):
other long time listeners to go to v I P
level as well. UM. I think there's a lot of
great fundraising going on out there, and uh, I'm gonna
encourage everyone, in spite of what Kevin cost is saying,
to to help anyone and everyone you know that needs
(52:41):
help during these times. Um. And we've had a few
people right really loving uh letters emails from patrons saying
I'm gonna have to hop off. I love you guys,
and I'll come back on when I'm not worried about
eating every day. UM. Listen, We're we we would love
to be here for you guys. So we're going to
(53:01):
continue to put out the podcast and we appreciate you
listening and we can all get back on the support
train when this craziness stops. Um, but thank you for
the reviews and for writing in as often as you
do and staying with us. We're gonna stay with you, um.
Craig Kowski final words for today's EPP Well, uh it's
(53:23):
it was a wild ride and ye I had a
lot of fun. And uh, I hope to meet some
of those people again. And uh, that video version of
video version of dead Man Walking is a real thing. Um,
it's fully available in a box on a cartridge. But
(53:45):
uh please, uh you can find out your local liquor store,
local liquor store, which you're thriving businesses these days. Chris Alvarado,
thank you so much, buddy, Hey, thank you. A couple
of points of clarification. It's just Jessica and I did
not come visit family. We're staying at a family home
that is naked even better because stuff is happening at
(54:06):
our home. So just just because people might think it
was irresponsible to join others in this time, we are
sounds like you're lying. Just nobody's here. It's just one
of those people in the background. That's our dog. Um. Actually,
I guess I always had the one point in clarification,
actually one more point because you don't know it. I
love you all. Oh, just to clarify, include to James,
(54:28):
you too, James, she met YouTube. Yeah, Joey, Gareth, Thanks,
you're welcome. Yeah. Great, I think that's everyone. Let's thank
our producer to the stars and engineer, Mr Doug Bason,
the fine folks that I heart media keeping us the float.
I'm your host, and thank you all so very much
(54:50):
for johination again right to us at your name here
at alcument this dot com. Please stage say please stay
extremely healthy. Uh and we love you all. Thanks for
hanging with us in the what hour? Yeah, it looks
like we're coming up on an hour. Okay, God bless
God speed until next time. This
Welcome back to another episode of alcomy, this covidition, and
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Ys that Kevin Pollock, Well,
how about we think in terms of following the CDC
guidelines and staying inside unless for essential as the actual cure,
and then crying like babies with picket signs as quarantine
(00:24):
confined inside for another year? How about that those are
the cash tag. Don't be a dick, but I digress.
Let's meet our alcome is, shall we in no particular
or to say hello to Mr James Heeney James Heenington
the third, please complete the following. If I had my
way instead of blank, we would all blank. If I
(00:46):
had my way instead of blank, we would all blank,
all right. If I had it my way, we all
wouldn't get sick when we got to buy us. We
would get superpowers when we got a virus, and instead
of it being something that you didn't want to catch,
(01:07):
you would want to catch that flying disease. Catch the
flying disease. I only had two blanks in there, but
thank you, thank you for the extra words, same price.
Stay the course with Craig Katkowski k account. Is there
a chance I can take delivery by Friday this Friday. Yes,
(01:30):
what's your window? My window is Friday to Friday, Friday
to Friday. Um, I've got like a five eighteen am
oh okay, am eighteen as in yes, uh Friday, okay, good, okay, great,
(01:53):
I got you down. Thank you just need your credit
card number and wait a second. Um, thank goodness for goodness,
it's Jessica Lowe. Jessica. Uh, what was the name of
your childhood imaginary friend? I didn't need one because I
(02:16):
had so many friends who boom, wow, she's feeling confident. Folks.
You can't see this at home, but a mike was
just physically dropped. Uh, take your mask the hell off.
It's Chris Alvarado. Dr Alvarado. Can I get COVID nineteen
by having sweet sweet sex with a Haitian monkey? No? No,
(02:39):
that's no, No, that's fine, Okay cool, Actually it's encouraged.
Oh yeah, I've never felt so good and last but
overpaid for toilet paper online. If you think him leaves,
it's Joey Greer. Connie Ge. Do you think everything tastes
better with dingle berries? Yes, the one of the rarest
of all berries and hard to make hard to make.
(03:03):
How do you make them? Uh? Well, uh, high fiber diet,
a lot of grease, very tight pants and uh, i'd
say about a four mile run. What's all the grease for?
So it comes out smooth? You want them to coogularly,
want them to collect, so you ingest the grease. You
(03:23):
don't insert the Greeks exactly. I know I was doing
something wrong. I'm having a cooking show online if anybody wants,
I live streaming. So if anybody wants to, when is that?
When can we see that? Uh? It's two thirty in
the morning every every Monday, so check it out, so
to technically Tuesday morning? Yes, are you sure? Is that
(03:44):
two thirty am Pacific time? P B P D T.
Oh boy, let's do a damn show. As my Almost
all of our scenes are listener emails. The others are
patron v I P Priority emails. Uh. If you'd like
to submit your listener email, please do we encourage that
as well as writing a review. Perhaps James has got
(04:06):
a new one for us today we'll find out certainly
he does. Please write your emails to us. I love
hearing from you. I truly, truly do I think you
all know by now. I reply to each and every
damn email right to your name here at alchemy this
dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this dot com.
See number one comes from patron v I P. Jamie Garcia,
(04:26):
who wrote, Hey, Alchemy this I'm the dude that suggested
the dog with thumbs and the doctor that cheated through
medical school. Oh I remember those. Today is trash pickup
day and as Joey, you're young and spry refuse collection
technician in parentheses, the dude hanging off the back of
(04:49):
the truck dumping your garbage as he passes by his
own house. His own house, You'll all caps never believe
what finds in his can. When this wacky end of
the world antics are over, I'm going to fly out
to see you guys at the West Side Comedy Theater.
Be well till then, sincerely, Jamie Garcia. All right, yeah,
(05:15):
so well, we'll just hit up these streets right here,
and then do you mind if we popped by my
my house. Wait, well, you're not supposed to be going
over to your house on your shift. If you want
to take a break at lunch, you can go to
your house, but not I need to let me just look,
let's just dump my trash and then we'll move on. Okay,
I'm getting a lot of heat at home, so let's
just it's gonna go in the regular order. We're gonna
pick up your trash later. I mean, it's it's two
(05:36):
blocks away. We're gonna have to circle around again. That's
gonna be like in the four hours. All right, all right,
but this is priority access that not many people would get.
Of course, the priority access, I mean, that's a whole
point of doing this, don't we huh for the perks?
You do this for the perks, Louis how many of
your family members do we hit off route? Hey, it's different.
I've been here for a long time. My family is
(05:57):
kind of the reason this carbage company exists company, the reason,
you know what, what other family has can dropped this
many family members into a business is mine just like
over history and time? What are you talking about? Like
you gotta earn this kind of what do you mean?
This company runs on the blood of the Smithson's. Okay,
(06:21):
it wouldn't be here for West for the Smithson's. Come on,
are you kidding me? This is this is a public
we need every every city, every town's got there we're
talking about. Yeah, but this lives is a particularly trashy town,
and we have put a lot of time and effort.
We're now you're just sitting here talking to me. Get
your fucking trash. Smith's are you saying, well, you know,
(06:42):
maybe that's a problem. Maybe you and your family are
causing all these problems. Huh. Maybe you and your family
are making this town a little more trashy, so you'll
got more jobs. This is the dirtiest town I've ever
been to my goddamn life. No, you know what my trash,
my trash is cleaned before we even put it out there.
We have respect. Let's take a look at what you
kind of sucking trash. You got your fucking trash can Oh,
now we're going to my house. Well here, we'll here.
We're sitting in front of your house. I just pulled
(07:04):
up what's inside. Look, man, let's just go to dumb
this stuff, all right, that's I want to see what's
in there. It's a federal to go through my garbage,
all right. Yeah, it's a federal crime if you don't
give me permission. But you know I gave priority access
to you. Okay, Mrs Carlson. So your husband is working currently,
is that correct? That's correct? Okay. Well, my partner and
(07:26):
I here, Uh, we've been doing this a lot, this
for a long time. So we're gonna we're gonna wire
you up. Okay. The gentleman will come here to try
to buy the firearms from you. You need to make
sure to get the cash, and as soon as you
get the cash, my partner and I will bust right in.
It Ain't that right, Ricky? Absolutely? What do I kid? Okay? Great? Well, uh,
(07:51):
like a dick, today's last day. I'm so sorry, Ricky.
Everybody's got to have a last day. It's fine, It's
it's for the best. Okay. So your husband won't be
home until five six pm? How do you know that?
I'm assuming based on a nine to five job, Ricky.
I can't wait till you leave the whatever the funk
(08:14):
we do? Okay, Ricky, you want to wire I'm the one.
I'm the one leaving, and yet you're so dismissive about
what we do for a living and give our blood
and sweat to whatever the funk we do? Okay? Kind
of attitude is that? Listen, honestly, I'm I'm sad that
you're leaving, and I'm taking it out on you, and
I shouldn't be doing that. You come to the party,
of course, Well be at the party, al right. Excellent, excellent,
(08:36):
just just gonna be you and me. So he's gonna
wire me? I just okay, yeah, okay, So Ricky's gonna
wire you. The house are just a whole bunch of guns.
It might goddamn trash. Jeezus, did you throw this out?
I'm gonna throw this out. Somebody put this in here, Okay,
Smiths and a lot of what it's a lot of guns.
(08:59):
It's a lot of fit in the brim that you
wanted to go off route and really quick sneak this
into the trash can back there. I mean it's already,
smith and I I don't know what the health this is. Look,
we gotta get rid of this. Okay, dude, we gotta
get rid of Look there's dogs everywhere around here. Okay,
Can I go? Can I go through your garbage? Uh yeah,
(09:22):
I'm looking for sure, looking for cans. Yeah yeah, yeah,
let him do it, let him touch the guns. I'm
just the guy look up for cans. Yeah yeah, yeah, whatever, man, whatever, Yeah, yeah,
just let this guy touch the guns. His prints will
get on the guns, and then we're good. We're good
at worst case scenario. This guy takes the rap, all right,
But the rep for what for the guns man? What
(09:43):
these things are? What does guns do? Hold on a second, buddy,
can guy? I got a name? What is it? Man? Grover?
Get the funk out of Your name? Is broke? Are
you faking kidding me? Why would I kid you about that?
I mean, I don't know. When you're wearing a cape,
(10:03):
you've got two pairs of sunglasses on your face. You know,
I don't know, super grow walk. It's a really bright day. Yeah,
I mean yeah, I guess. I guess it's glare from
the bottom coming up and hit me there. I guess
I can make an excuse. I get it, I get it.
Do you know what a gun does? Mrs Carlson? Is
that is that your husband is a garbage man? Correct? No,
(10:28):
there's a garbage truck right in front of your house.
You didn't say he was coming home early? Well, this
isn't normally on Joey's route. I don't I don't know. Huh.
Is there a chance we could go out and talk
to him. Maybe that's him maybe, And there's a lot
of garbage trucks and times he's very jealous if he
sees two men coming out of his house. I don't
know what he's Let's see what happens. It could be fun.
(10:49):
So we don't have to ask him for permission to
go talk to him. We can just go do this.
What do you say? I say? It could be a
lot of fun. Can I just be straight up with you?
I'm team Ricky now, hey, so so am I? And
he easy to leaving me. But now it's not the
time to get into that. We're going to talk to
this Joey character and see what the fuss going on.
And first of all, I'm not saying I don't know
(11:11):
what I'm saying. I don't know what that's exactly what
you're saying. Okay, that's exactly Grover. Have you ever driven
a dump truck before? Yeah? Just a few times, a
few times. We'll get the hell in there. Let's drive
and talk. All right, let's drive talk. Hey, there's some
good stuff in here. You get some roise? Do I
have some lucroise there? You get some lucrois in there. Yeah,
(11:34):
and then it as my wife. Hold on a second,
get out of the car, grow, get out of the car.
This is okay. I think my wife is having an
affair with some Are you fucking my wife? What are
you sinking my wife? Grover? I don't live anywhere, need
I just walk around the neighbor looking for cans, looking
for adults here? All right, Ricky? Al right, that they are.
We're gonna approach them right now. But listen before we
(11:56):
head over there. This is gonna be one of our
last time was doing a thing, you know what I mean.
So let's make it stick. Yeah, make it memorable. I'm
gonna kis you with the cheek real quick. Okay, alright,
no problem, wasn't so bad. You know, if it's for Europe,
you don't have to hit the other cheek as well.
Hey we're in Europe. Come here. Oh yeah, alright, good stuff?
(12:16):
I get too, right, don't I get to? Yeah? Yeah,
I owe you too. Are you guys done with these
diet cokes? I'm still drinking mine. I mean, you can
have mine. I don't want yours. I just feel like
you've only finished about a third of it and you
asked me for a diet coke. You said that sounds delicious,
(12:37):
So your point is you're wasteful. Okay, go do whatever
you want with my husband. He's gonna murder you. Today
we're gathered to remember Ricky h fantastic field agent, an
individual who gave everything he had to the force and
to his parson. Um. We all know he was stabbed
(12:59):
several times in the throw with a Locroix can uh
and he passed on the scene. Um, and we have
a new detective who's a dog. So everyone just please
just show respect to that. Excuse me, do you mind
if I go through the casket? That's our scene one.
(13:20):
Scene one stabbing the throat with several times by whom
tune in next week because of death was included in
the eulogy, as it always is. Scene two comes to
us from listener Matt, who wrote, Hello Alcolm, this, thank
(13:43):
you so much for continue to the show despite our
current confinement. It's a bright spot in my week. It
makes me appreciate you all even more than I already did.
A few nights ago, I had a dream that I
was allowed to participate in an episode of Alchemy. This
I completely bombed and everyone noticed, but it did give
(14:03):
me a scene suggestion. A fan wins a guest spot
on an episode of the Alchemy THISSK podcast and he
or she is just terrible. Thanks. Alright, yes, it is
all right. So you your caller number twenty two. All right, now,
if you answer this correctly, you have an opportunity to
be on the improv comedy podcast Alchemy. This. Oh my god,
(14:25):
I'm so nervous. It's all right, It's okay. And your
first question is. In ninety two, General Corgan Teason out
of the Swiss Armies second Division had a tank and
he had a little thing inside the tank that made
it that he loved so much. It was a little ball.
What was the name of that little ball? Jim? Gonna
(14:48):
see my office please of course. Yeah. Listen, extra coffee please,
no listening to the show. I was listening to the
show this morning. What do you think I had? My
problems with the contest you were running? Hold on? My
my little son is yes, my boy. Oh, I should
just go back to where I was, Daddy getting into trouble.
(15:09):
I shouldn't be I. In fact, I'm gonna hide in
your office. Yeah. So, as I was saying, Phil, uh,
what do you think he seems like he's an okay guy?
Like maybe gonna skip a generation in terms of what
I deem you as the knucklehead. The question this morning
to the guests trying to win a spot on Alchemy
(15:29):
this the Swiss general. What what was that? I'm sorry?
You think my son is an okay guy? I think
it's terrific. I think he's terrific and he stands up
terrific Sarah. How did you know the answer to that?
I didn't. It just came to me. I just thought,
what would a ball in nineteen thirty two be named? Right?
(15:54):
Oh my god? Who can you get to go hang
out with Alchemy? This? That's our favorite podcast? Yeah? Yeah,
do me a favor. Tell me what Craig at Calsy
smells like? Okay? Hey Trump, Drup, Well, I would say
(16:14):
dropped dead. That's not what I'm gonna say, Trup. What
am I trying to say? We just come on? Look,
do you have any change? Son? I don't have any changed? Yeah?
Well I'm sorry. Look, we don't want to change for
the bus. Do you mind if we if once we
get off on our stop, I'll be able to get
changed if I go and say it's okay. Please, sir,
I'm with my son. I just I just got fired.
(16:34):
You want to go home, just want to go home.
Please please let us go home. You need you need
the bus fare, sir, Please, I just got fired. This
is my son. Okay, look at him, we look exactly
the same. How could this not be my son? Are
you actually gonna say this isn't my son. I'm not
saying he's not your son. I'm saying you don't have
enough fair to get on the bus. What makes you
(16:55):
think that this isn't my boy? We're blood. I'll send
on my dad's loud. Let's go, move it, move it.
I got places to be look at people, got places
to me. Come on, let's just we'll get on there quickstop.
It's but he's one guy. Why do we have to
wait with his? One guy? Okay, we don't have to wait.
(17:15):
I'm if you don't have the money, I'm heading out.
What do you what do you do? What do you do?
What the god? Damn it, goddamnit. I don't what time
the bus come? What times the bus? It just passed?
That miss the bus, Yes, you missed the bus. So
(17:36):
I supposed to meet my cousin. You must have been
on that one. Look, do you mind watching my son?
I gotta get some change. I'd love to watch. I
don't want to stay with him. Dad. What's your name?
You're gonna be fun. I'll be right back. Hey boy,
what's your name? My name's Todd. You ever seen the
Gladiator movie? No? I have not seen the Gladiator? Move
(18:01):
what is your father movie? You like? The final movie? What?
What is the movie you like? I can't get on
the bush and have any money? Well, I got you covin.
How about uh two dollars for adults, one dollar for
(18:24):
kids who sell it there in a suitcase. Okay, but
can I help you? Yeah? Oh sorry, yeah, yeah you
I think I was here first. Go ahead, go ahead.
Who are you speaking to? Are you talking? Are you
talking to me? Yes? Whoever is whoever? Is ready? Okay,
(18:45):
I'm ready, I'm ready. Who are you speaking to? Okay? Look,
you've got you've got a five dollar bill. You look
like you just need change. I'm willing to. Yeah, that's me.
I'm waving it. Actually, I have a ten here, any
change for this ten in the back? My son is alone? Line, sir,
(19:07):
there's the line and five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
There you go. You're handsome, You're handsome. I have a quarter.
I'm thinking that five pieces of metal are more valuable
than one semi lodge a piece of metal. So I'm
hell out of the way, Get the hell out of
the way, all right now, I have five dollars here.
(19:28):
Did you have any change left? Sure you need? You
need five singles? Yes? Uh yes. If you can make
it ten singles, that's fine as well. I can't make
it ten signals. Signals are singles. I like ten signals.
If you can't, I can't give you that many signals.
I can do. I can do five singles for a
(19:48):
five dollar bill. Were you trying to get on the
bus by the way, Yes, my son is at the
bus station, and and and and there's a man he's
he's with. I don't know him, but he seems fine.
He was very wet. Look. I used to do a
radio show. I just got cammed. Can you believe it?
I recognize your voice. You've got those ridiculously hard contest questions, right, yeah, yeah,
(20:11):
But finally finally some lady answered it correctly yesterday and
you got fired for that? Yeah? Uh well, I can't
wait to hear that episode of Alchemy this that she's
gonna guess on. Yeah, yeah, it's gonna be It's gonna
be something, you know. Um, I don't really tell. There's
a lot of people, but I think we're in another
time in place now, all right, guys listen. UM, So
(20:35):
her name is Sarah. She seems to be a big fan.
I don't know. I think she's an alkamaniac. So I
I don't really want to talk to her. James, do
you want to talk to her? Make her for comfortable
or whatever. Contest was never supposed to be one. What
the fun is going on? I guess she's really smart,
but she's also a big fan, so I don't I
don't know. We were promised it was an impossible task. Yeah,
we had that ringer at the radio station was supposed
(20:55):
to have ridiculous questions that could never be answered. She
got it right, sh chang Hi, Oh my god, I'm
I'm a hugger. I'm a hugger. Oh oh oh, Chris,
(21:17):
you're ver shorter than I thought. Thanks, thank you three.
Oh Craig, Oh you smell like like fresh cut grass. Well,
thank you. I was just working on the lawn this morning. Joey,
your nose is bleeding. Kevin, Wow, you're the contest winner. Yes,
(21:45):
what's your name? Sarah? Hi, Sarah? Where are you from? God,
I'm so nervous. I'm from Nebraska. Um. Yeah, can you
tell us the second and third thing you're most excited
about being here? I'm excited about maybe getting um like
an alchemy this uh hat and may maybe a lacroix.
I don't know that that hat thing is never gonna happen.
(22:08):
These original has cost Kevin Pollock a hundred forty five each.
It's true, that's true. I did. I was so determined
to get them before our first recording. I might have overpaid.
Haven't you have to scale? Sorry to to barge in here, y'all,
but there's a problem with the studio, So we're gonna
have to record in the in the bathroom, So we're
just gonna have to climb in there. What's the problem
(22:29):
with the studio? Uh, well, there's just some wild animals
that's got in there. They just tore it up and
the bathroom the solution. Did Anderson Cooper get in there? Um?
You know? No, no, No, wasn't any of the house dogs.
It was just it was some kind of beast. I'm
not a hundred percent. Maybe was some kind of Yeah,
(22:49):
I don't want to speculate, some kind of bore wolf hybrid,
some kind of genetic thing. One wrong, Sah, well you
worked up. There is the but what's the butt? It
might be melitant? Okay, Oka, Sarah? Have you ever improvised before?
Do you know James Heeney? Of course I know James Heeney. No,
(23:11):
I have never James James a bear wolf hybrid? No,
no, no no, you're saying it wrong. It's Heeney, That's what
I said. He me, No, you don't know James Heeney.
And I think she said a boar wolf hybrid, which
is even more horrific. We get it. You're smart, Okay,
Jesus Christ can we just got this episode going? So
(23:34):
I'm sorry to interrupt. What's going on? What is it, Sophie?
But I got these these sketches I sketched myself of
like what I think it looks like. Soy, Dr Craig,
take a look at those. What do you think? Well,
it's got a boar's head and a wolf's body, so
you're thinking a if a pig and a wolf made it.
(23:58):
It would just be I'm just saying, maybe that's where
all that nice Deli meat comes from, that kind of animal. Sarah,
what did you do actually to win this opportunity? I
just called into a radio show. You just called in, Yeah,
and I knew the ball was called a boing boing
(24:19):
and they let me come here. Well you didn't know
the boing boing. Kevin Doug said, we're going live in
five four Wait, we're going to live. Welcome back to
another episode Alchemy. This I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes,
that Kevin Pollock. What's that? Yeah? Shut your face, but
(24:40):
I digress. Let's meet our alchemists and guest alchemists, starting
with that guest alchemist who won a contest apparently. I'll
let her tell you about it. Sarah. Is that the name? Yes,
Sarah Connor. It's a bo it's got a wolf set
(25:05):
at a pig's body. Yeah, And I told him I
thought it was a boar wolf for um. And you
still can't get on the bus that Okay. I just
I left my change in the office and and I
just you know, it was I couldn't grab any change
or any it's a dollar fifty. If you have a
five dollar bill, you know you can pay more than
(25:26):
the fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just all my change
was at the office. I had to run out because
there's a drive the We can't wait for his crap. Please,
I'm begging very stop. It's something. Okay, Look, this guy's
trying to find his cousin. I'm driving him around town.
Just I'll tell you what. Just get on the bus. Hey, everybody,
(25:49):
thanks for coming to the funeral of James heeny Um.
As you might have heard because we we aired the episode.
He was eating alive by a bolf and we're gonna
miss him. But I'm happy to announce that we have
two new cast members to alchemy this. We have Sarah
from Nebraska and we have James he Me. Ladies and gentlemen,
(26:13):
I've done. My son is dead. Yes, Mrs he needs
so please let it go. I'm a lone James him
God that that thing has no hair and no island.
They're good, You're growing. I'm dreamed, Jim where there's like
(26:37):
three different kinds of coffee in this casket. This is good.
Do you mind if I collect these cans? He's rummaging.
I'll be out of your way in no time. Sure,
take your time, Mrs Heeney. Can I have a word
with you first? I want to say sorry because I
(26:57):
loved your son. Um, do you did? I just have
a quick question. Do you happen to know why his
audio is always a little weirder than everyone else's even
though he was the most tech savvy of the group.
That was the problem from when he wasn't baby, his
audio was always too low to high. I just wish
somebody would have turned him up a little, you know
(27:18):
what I mean? He deserved. Hey, there's a there's a
bloink boy in here. I didn't know that he knew
was Swiss. Oh that's a family crest. Well here, did
you want to record a quick episode alive? Let's do
it on the dame of your son's funeral, Just Chris,
(27:41):
I just want to say that, Um, just grieving so much.
And yeah, you could take your shirt off. That made
me feel a little better. What's that If you could
just pop that top off real quick, my top? I mean,
if you it'll make you feel better here, okay there, yeah, yea,
And we're going live from the funeral in five four three. Whoa,
(28:06):
I'll come back to another episode of Alchemy this. I'm
your host, Kevin Park. We're coming to you live from
the James Heeny funeral. We've got his funeral mother standing
by U. Mrs Heeny, could you tell us the third
thing the third time? Rather when uh, little James, Little
(28:26):
tiny James, his audio gave you trouble? Oh? I remember
when he was giving his recital. He was doing Peter
Pear the musical right and he was Peter. He was
playing Peter both. It's Mrs Enid. How did it know
(28:53):
that scene too? I think? So? How are we spelling both?
Because I'd really like to write it down? Well? Be
o l F that's half four half wolf sure b
O l F Billfenstein. What's that? It's a Wolfenstein? Seen
(29:22):
three comes to us from patron v I P. I'm
gonna spell it first because there's a challenge within the
text of the email on pronouncing it correctly capital m
m and Mary capital m oh and as a Nancy
z e Manzi mans manza. Where are they from? Uh,
(29:47):
let's get into it, Hi, Hi ho. Alchemists love the show,
which you probably guess considering I pay for this free content.
They're from you Bill apparently absolutely adore Craig Gatkowski and
Joey Greer, So one out of two ain't bad. Not
(30:08):
that I don't like everyone else, but I think I'm
allowed my favorites, especially now that the plague has descended
and my boss won't listen to my arguments about revoking
our essential status. We're just a bank. No one needs money.
See suggestion. Video gaming Grandma with a popular Twitch channel
(30:29):
can't wait to hear what how you butcher my name? Manzi?
The mons the man's How did Fonzie spell Fonzie n
z i E? So yeah, there's no eye, so it
can't be Manzi manas j Lo you said Manza Mansa. Okay,
(30:55):
we'll go with dad, and now we take you to
the video gaming Grandma the popular church channel. Uh grahanamed
Jr On in about thirty seconds to have any questions
for us? No, I am ready, Freddy, okay, ready, Freddie indeed?
And um, what's the game you're playing today? I'm playing
(31:16):
Dead Man Walking? Alrighty? And uh you're taking challengers? We're
taking calls for challengers? Is that correct? I am sorry, Luke?
Can I tell you for a second, yep, excuse me
a second. What the hell is going on? You know
what we're doing. If you come to the briefings, you'll
know what we'll be doing. Okay, I'm just here, new
at twitch. I just got she's nine six years old?
(31:37):
All right, so her before she goes on to a stream.
For God's sake, last question, I'm not built for this,
It's all right, Oh ship, she's spiraling? Can we get
can someone play some music from the twenties? A colmer down? Please? Please? Luke?
You know I used to be a dancer. You should
have seen these legs. Uh oh we know. Yeah, that's
(32:01):
very nice, June, very nice, Luke. Look, do you see
what you did by asking questions this basicle? She's spiraling out?
Do you not see how used chat? I was watching
the live stream and she's playing dead Man walking? Is
that not a problem to you? Guys? A problem? It's
(32:24):
the video game equivalent of The Ring, the movie. She
could die, so that she prepared for this kind of
game live wit. You actually believe that this game can
cursed you? And I've never known somebody that wasn't cursed,
that wasn't able to complete the game. Geez, you are
one of the biggest conspiracy theorist I've ever in my life.
(32:46):
Do you know that? What are you talking about? Who
do you know that has not beaten a game that
started it, that wasn't cursed a whole bunch of people,
a whole bunch of people. You're the guy who said,
if I have salami, I'm gonna end up losing skin
on my back. That's what you told me, that said
hard salami, hard salami. I can have the soft Listen,
(33:07):
I've turned it into my badge. I'm not going to
be part of this. You're about to butcher an old woman.
Here's what you get. This l a p D bad
So where the hell'd you get there? Well? It was
it was from Halloween last year. We did the costume
thing and I don't know whose it is, but it's not.
This is a legit PDA. This is this is a
homlesside detective. And here's my key fob to get into
the Twitch building. Here. Huh, this is an n say
(33:29):
key FuMB Where the hell do you get that? Okay,
but that one's mine. Actually I need that back. You
know what. I'm leaving though, I don't want to be
responsible for this woman's death. It's on your shoulders. Hey, Blake,
is it true you're gonna You're gonna challenge the Grandma today?
Dead Man Walking? Yeah, Bro, I'm awesome, but dead Man Walking? Yeah,
but you're not Grandma good. I think I'm pretty good.
(33:52):
I mean, it's pretty straightforward, right. It's based on the
Tim Robbins film with Sean Penn and Susan Surranded. Um,
so you're an inmate on death row and then None
tries to get you to repent before before you're executed.
But Blake, but I heard, um, I heard some secret
rumblings in the video game Underground that it's also kind
(34:12):
of linked to the movie The Ring. And so if
you beat Grandma like you might die. Yeah, there's a
rumor that if you stay on death row at the
end of the game, you're actually executed by legal injection.
Are you afraid of that? Fuck? No? Bro, Hell yeah,
I'm gonna beat this game. Thanks for coming out to
(34:32):
make out point with me. And just you know, I'm
kind of I don't know how to say this. I'm
really just scared of you playing that game tomorrow, and
I just I don't know, I kind of just want
you to not do it. What if you die, babe?
What are you scared of? Scared of losing you? I'm
scared of not being able to have a baby with you?
What if you can't get pregnant after this? Let me
lick your ear? Okays? Hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa police?
(34:59):
I'm sorry, let's go. What's your badge? What do you
get off me? Stop pushing me? Show him your bad job?
Push me man, twitch star? Motherfucker Jesus Christ, where'd you
get that gun? Alright? Kill him? Blake? Trash candle Right,
I'm leavings. Christ. What did you find in my ear? Blake?
(35:24):
There's a lot of good stuff. Did you find that ring? Oh? Yeah? Wow?
Is this the way of proposing to me? Babe? Baby?
I want to marry you right now. Let's fuck do it.
But you have to promise me you're not going to
play that game? All right? Yeah? I promise I won't
play Dead Man walking in a competition with a grandma
(35:47):
on Twitch tomorrow. Yeah, I promise, Thank you, Thank you, Blake.
Fingers crossed behind my back? What the funk? Are you serious?
And now we're are no fun? You got me? God?
Damn it? Sho, I just swallowed your ring. Hold on,
hey can't I'm back. It's me again. It's the cop again.
(36:07):
I'm back. I was just I just radio into the station.
Show us your bag. I have a badge. What do
you I just show it. Don't get your hands off
of me. Show you pizza ship. I'm leaving. Jesus so annoying?
What did you find in my ear? Oh there's like
(36:31):
a cracker in there? How did you get that in there?
I crumpled it up. I really feel that diamond cutting
me inside. All right, so you are the gaming grandma?
Is that correct? That's correct? We are so excited to
team up with you. Monster Energy Drink is excited to
be with you. So today you're going live. You're gonna
(36:55):
challenge people to play with you, and whoever wins dies.
Is that correct? That's correct? You know I used to
be a dancer. Oh god, alright, well here, just hold
this Monster Energy drink and get ready to play. Debt.
That's heavy. That sixty announces announces of slamming slamming energy. Here.
(37:18):
I'll pour some in a thimble for you. What do
you say? That sounds perfect? There you go, all right?
Have fun? Dead Men Walking Live? What up, What up?
What up? I'm the video playing Grandma and I'm here
to play dead Man walking. Come on, motherfucker's come on. Okay,
(37:40):
Sister Helen is entering the maximum security prison. She's going
through security. She has to turn in her rosary beads.
She is now approaching death. Yeah, alright, I'm on death
row holding the bars on my cell's Grandma. Okay? Then,
(38:02):
oh no, I walked into a corner. I don't know
how to walk away from this. There's like five cells, Like,
what do you It can't be that hard. It's just
a wall. Turn around, She's just spinning circle. Do you
know how to use your controller? Have you ever played
a video game? That monster energy drink fucked up my hands.
(38:27):
I'm in another corner. I want to request the last meal,
Request the last meal? Hell yeah, hell yeah. Um. I
want a fucking saltine and my girlfriend's here. I want
to cookies and cream shake. I want uh, I want
(38:47):
a barbecue burger with bacon and uh avocado. I want
a cop salad no blue cheese that. I'm just looking
at the sky. I'm to just fallen down. I'm laying down.
What is she is? She outside? She again? Inside the prison.
This is the first screen, and that's a beautiful humulus cloud.
(39:11):
It looks sort of like a bunny. Oh ship, Blake,
you made it. This is the last night. It's the
last hour of death row. All right, bring on the
lethal injection. Dude, Hold on though, what did you actually
really die? Dude? It's a video game. Okay, go do
it anyway. I'm a merried man, that's true. Oh, here
(39:35):
he comes. He has a syringe. Okay, all right, inject
me and checked ng and oh god, I'm so sorry.
Oh why did I kill those people? What? No? I
feel terrible. What's coming on? I'm a murderer. He's fine, Sorry,
(39:59):
I killed those people, Blake, give me your arm. I'm
and inject it does? Come you down? Oka? What are
you doing him? Nothing up on the street. I just
met them. Okay, sorry, down baby, baby, come down. You're
gonna be fine. It's just a game. It's a terrible game.
(40:21):
It's a terrible game. Why would basic video game on jed?
You're right, people people died from the game. I'm sorry.
I called you conspiracy theorists. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Well,
I guess i'm sorry too. I thought it was gonna
be the old lady Diane. I honestly always hated that
(40:45):
twitch star. What was his name? It doesn't matter, Blake,
you don't want Blake or yeah, probably Blake. It's probably
Blake because it says right here in the casket, do
you mind if I get in here and look around
a little bit? Hey, away, get away from that salts
in here. I'm just here for corporate. Uh. As I
(41:08):
was saying, Blake wasn't only a great gamer, he was
a great friend and a great husband. That's my husband.
She's currently has handcuffs on because she's being investigated. Uh.
They're looking at her into the murder of of Blake.
I don't know what else to say except fun that
gaming grandma, because if she didn't challenge him, Blake would
(41:31):
still be here today. Oh no, I'm in the casket somehow, Blake.
Can someone help me out of this casket? I just
see dark I can't get out lower it. I'm in
the casket with Blake. I'm alive. Is anyone hearing that?
(41:52):
Am I crazy? No? I hear it too, Okay, you do.
It's too shocked to be a real person's voice. I
can barely hear it. That's how I feel about you. Really. Alright,
I'm gonna get in that cash kid. Yeah, let's get
(42:12):
in this castie together. Come on, Oh thank you for
letting me. How so I'm not allowed to root through
the casket for cans, but you guys can all get
in there, Steve, can I see my office for a
second place. I wanted to talk about the dead Man
Walking video game that you design. Sure, sure, yeah, with
(42:36):
the problem, no problem, have a seat. Just starting to
hear some feedback. People have hot properties that have been
adapted from movies. They do, they do, It's just ours
is the first to kill someone? So off it? Say again?
Tim Robins signed off on the game. Yeah he seems healthy.
But um, a couple of the players have died and
(43:00):
and I'm just curious if you anticipated that. Well, until
we abolish the death penalty in this country, trying to
die on death row? So oh, I see, so you're
treating the games. It's clear like real life. If you
sign up for the game, you will in fact be
treated like someone on death rop. There you might die,
(43:21):
that's right. Hi, sorry to interrupt, um, jail, What's what's
going on? This is gonna sound weird? But there's there's
a wild beast in the office. Tim. Did Tim come
back from vacation? It's not Tim. That's funny joke, though,
that's really funny. It's not Tim. It's like an actual
it's like a beast, and it's like whole office up.
(43:44):
The head of the boar and a body of a wolf,
or the head of a wolf in the body of
a boar, because it's one's both. It could be a
bull for it could be a war. I'll go check. Yeah,
thanks Joe. I think we lost Joe um so again, Steve.
People who play the game we just signed, they need
(44:05):
to sign a release of some kind. We can't just
be killing people. There's a disclaimer on the box. There is.
And by the box, of course, you mean the video
game box. You know, people are getting this as a
as a digital upload, Steve, How you doing. I represent
Jim Robbins and he's pretty upset about his depiction in
the video game that you create. Jim Robbins. Jim Robbins, Yes, okay,
(44:27):
so you have him as a He's a floating uh
piece of soap that is, speaks to the characters throughout
the game and guides them along that's right. Is a
soap that you might find in the shower of a
of a maximum security penitentiary, right, right, and uh it's
kind of he's uh taken that personally as anyone would.
And I'm offering you a cease and desist letter. Okay,
(44:50):
thank you, you're offered. Okay, I'm offering you nothing. Oka.
Hi Steve, thanks for coming into my office. Um, represent
so many suits? Yeah, I represented the deceased Jill, the
assistant at the building you're at. Um, now we have
we have video surveillance footage of you and another gentleman
(45:13):
continuing on your conversation while she was being mulled by
the book by the war. Um, that makes you comple complicit? Complicit?
What's the word I'm looking for. You are a lawyer, right, Yeah,
that's correct. So you get my Steve, I represented the
lawyer that was just in here, maybe about a couple
of hours ago. Yeah, And so he wanted me to
(45:34):
come in here and say that he's suing you because
you're telling people that he mispronounced a word when we
were having a conversation. Well, I'm feeling pretty complacent about
how complicit I am in this murder. M What did
you say? I just did a little play on words
two similar sounding words. Look, I don't remember this particular death.
I've really left a wake of of destruction in my path.
(45:58):
So you're gonna have for me a little more specific
when you're talking about somebody who's death, I'm responsible for Hi, Steve, what?
I am a mediator here? This is the gaming grandma.
She was buried alive, but she managed to come out,
and she is now suing you because your video game
has ruined her life. Bring it on. You ruined my life.
(46:21):
I got trapped in a goddamn coffin with like seven people.
It was horrible. I'm sick of it. You ruined my
Twitch account. This dog outside won't stop barking. I just
my life's in shambles. Okay. I used to be the
face of Monster Energy, and now I got nothing. What
(46:43):
can I fail say that? I feel legitimately awful about
your your plate, and I think we should settle it
the only way that we can, which is over a
game of dead Man Walking. All right, Okay, do you
want to be on death row or do you want
to be Sister Helen? Don't death row? Okay, great, I'll
(47:04):
be sister Helen. Uh, make sure you listen to Jim
Robbins playing the bar of Soap. He's gonna give you
good advice. All right, now, I'm walking. Okay, you're walking walking?
He seated, you're walking. Oh sorry, my boy, I'm walking.
(47:27):
Oh no, I got it, dead end. I'm really bad
at video games. Okay, just just use your just keep
going all the way to the left, keep going all
the way. I'm just making a circle. Okay, well get
get face straight again and now go straight. All right, Okay,
(47:54):
try left right, a B right left, no da, And
that's so sure for today. Oh man. Oh for those
of you at home that are piecing together the genius
(48:14):
and playing the game along with us, it's possible that
as that scene started in the chat area of Zoom,
Jessica Low did type I don't know anything about video
games or Twitch, and then one every gold star playing
out the scene. So thank you, champion. That was amazing,
(48:39):
Thank you all very much. I gotta learn how to
do it from James Peeney. But what you should do
is you should have mouse and keyboard. You're using a
controller and you're not going to have the same control
James James. She wasn't playing the game I had. I
had patent paper I can't win with. She kept drawing
(49:00):
herself into the corner. Well, thank you all very much.
Let's go around and thank you individually, starting with Jessica though,
thank you so much. Um. How was the drive? No
reason to share your actual location unless you want to
just give us the address. But you guys went for
a little road trip to visit some family in this time?
How was that? It was great? And Sonny was a
(49:23):
very good boy in the back seat. We got a
little car seat far um right next his best friend.
It was great. That is awesome. Everyone's safe and sound, excellent,
and thank you very much, um for joining us in
the world. Yeah, please stay healthy and all the best
to your family. Joey career. Yes, uh, how's moms and
(49:46):
pops in the Florida State? Good? My dad it calls
me when he goes into this car and just sits
there and calls me. He likes to go out to
the car and sit. Yeah, so they're going insane. But
besides that, one's good. Everyone's healthy than God. And that's it.
Just losing their mind, just losing their mind, which is
a good thing to lose, is it? Yeah, okay, better
(50:11):
than losing, but lung capacity totally. I see what you're saying,
James HEMI M well, my friend mml X says that
we are it's his her favorite podcast. Anyways helped me.
This is my favorite podcast, every cast member. It's a
(50:34):
very close friend. And here where's this review being shared
on Apple iTunes? Alight, I'm sorry, Actually it's Apple Podcasts.
I don't know the same thing, because when you started
to speak, it sounded like you're only just relaying to
us the feelings that a friend of yours shared, And
I just want to let the listeners know you were
reading a review. It's a review. I not people knew
(50:57):
that by now. If I'm if I start reading a review,
it's it's not from a letter that I got from
a friend. You were reading. It sounds like because you
were recalling a memory. Well, that's just really good at
cold reading. If anybody wants me to audition for anything,
that was me cold reading a review, Okay, I'd love
(51:18):
you to audition. I'd love you to audition right now
for a brilliant improviser wrapping up their portion of a podcast.
All right, Well, it continues then like this when they
have guests fill in, they're all excellent too. This is
only podcast I've ever supported on Patreon. They completely deserve it.
(51:38):
I can't reconnect, but can they have take No did
you say? And that's harder to say than the actual word.
(52:00):
So much we're cold reading skills, James. UM. I would
like to follow that up with a note from a
brand new patron v I P member, Kevin Quast k
w A S. T. Quast, who wrote, so I joined
as a patron v I P, and I challenged ten
(52:21):
other long time listeners to go to v I P
level as well. UM. I think there's a lot of
great fundraising going on out there, and uh, I'm gonna
encourage everyone, in spite of what Kevin cost is saying,
to to help anyone and everyone you know that needs
(52:41):
help during these times. Um. And we've had a few
people right really loving uh letters emails from patrons saying
I'm gonna have to hop off. I love you guys,
and I'll come back on when I'm not worried about
eating every day. UM. Listen, We're we we would love
to be here for you guys. So we're going to
(53:01):
continue to put out the podcast and we appreciate you
listening and we can all get back on the support
train when this craziness stops. Um, but thank you for
the reviews and for writing in as often as you
do and staying with us. We're gonna stay with you, um.
Craig Kowski final words for today's EPP Well, uh it's
(53:23):
it was a wild ride and ye I had a
lot of fun. And uh, I hope to meet some
of those people again. And uh, that video version of
video version of dead Man Walking is a real thing. Um,
it's fully available in a box on a cartridge. But
(53:45):
uh please, uh you can find out your local liquor store,
local liquor store, which you're thriving businesses these days. Chris Alvarado,
thank you so much, buddy, Hey, thank you. A couple
of points of clarification. It's just Jessica and I did
not come visit family. We're staying at a family home
that is naked even better because stuff is happening at
(54:06):
our home. So just just because people might think it
was irresponsible to join others in this time, we are
sounds like you're lying. Just nobody's here. It's just one
of those people in the background. That's our dog. Um. Actually,
I guess I always had the one point in clarification,
actually one more point because you don't know it. I
love you all. Oh, just to clarify, include to James,
(54:28):
you too, James, she met YouTube. Yeah, Joey, Gareth, Thanks,
you're welcome. Yeah. Great, I think that's everyone. Let's thank
our producer to the stars and engineer, Mr Doug Bason,
the fine folks that I heart media keeping us the float.
I'm your host, and thank you all so very much
(54:50):
for johination again right to us at your name here
at alcument this dot com. Please stage say please stay
extremely healthy. Uh and we love you all. Thanks for
hanging with us in the what hour? Yeah, it looks
like we're coming up on an hour. Okay, God bless
God speed until next time. This
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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