February 25, 2021 • 55 mins
Kindergarten cop.
Below Deck interrupted by sea monster.
Rival gangs of improvisors.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
I welcome back to another episode edition. I'm your host,
Kevin Powick. Yes that's Kevin Vallington. Oh. I love a
good pickle. Yeah, the crisper the better. I think compliments
sandwich better than just the red pickle that I mentioned pickles,
But I digress. Let's bet an army shower, no particular Lord,
(00:24):
please say good afternoon to Jackie, to Ruthie, Good afternoon
class ms D. If you're not talking to Janet Jackson,
how's your fav how's your Valentine's shaping up? Uh? You know,
pretty standard, pretty good. It'll be nice. Um, not a
day that I you know, let's eat a good meal.
(00:48):
Other than that, I don't really care. So that will
be happening. And I am excited for that. And when
you told you before, that's exciting. When you told your
husband the first time, I don't really care about Valentine's
Did he fall for that as I did when told
I don't think I ever told him, you know, I
don't think it was a conversation. It's like, of course,
you know, I just think what else are we to do? Like,
(01:11):
you have a nice meal? What else is there to do?
I don't know, Maybe I'm maybe that's just me shart knowing. No,
there's no rules. It's a completely fabricated holiday that puts
a tremendous I feel personally clearly an unfair amount of
pressure to make it super special and fail pretty absolutely
(01:31):
yeah absolutely, Now I just bombard. I just do everything.
You get a card, you get flowers, you get candy,
you get you know, jewelry, you get sucking everything. Wow,
I don't care. Take the fucking kid. What about candy?
(01:52):
I like candy, so yeah, no complaints. Cookies, it's it's
it's an excuse to indulge. So I'll definitely like we'll
have a something sweet and delicious, cook something good. I
like an indulgent day. Do you have a favorite brand
from box of candy? Yes, I'm a Twizzlers fanatic. Now
I know that's in a bag and not in ale
(02:13):
in a box. Yeah no, I was looking for a
box heart shape right right right? Oh? Like the chocolates, uh,
I mean good dive no answer the answers, No, you
do not have a favorite. I like the I like
the dark chocolate outside with the coconut inside, and everything
else can go funck itself. It's the opposite usually people
(02:37):
say that about the coconut one. Well, that's how I
feel about like grape, uh grape Jolly ranchers, great blow pops.
I love them. And everyone else is like, oh, that's trash. Great,
give me your trash. That's my my. Jamie is the
same way on the coconut and the grape chocolate covered grape.
I think that would be pretty gross late grapes. No,
(03:01):
let's derail. Hey, there's James Heeney, Johnny Ronnie Heinster. How's
your supply of frozen hash Brown's today? It's actually not
so bad. We had a real close call about a
week ago. We were two Browns, which is not enough
for a full breakfast. Um, so we ended up having
(03:21):
to have a half breakfast, which is just like what
the why fucking both having one hashbrown because then you're
only gonna have one egg, one piece of toast, And
what that means is you're gonna have to have another
extra meal. So so if I make you, you said
you were down to two hash Browns, which means two squares,
two squares, so one square piece, one square piece. He's
(03:43):
nowhere near enough for you, I mean, not for a
full meal. That's what my wife? Can I call it
half breakfast? You're like, uh. And now Craigkowsky with his
Oscar nomination predictions, cow Kevin, I'm here live at the
Academy of Bullshit Picture Arts and Sciences. That was a
(04:06):
giant golden statue out here. Uh. He has no genitalia,
as Dustin Hoppan famously observed in nine. Uh. Nominated for
Best Picture this year The Hedgehog. Real shocker. It's a
real shocker. Nobody saw anything and nothing playing in theaters.
(04:32):
Thank you for that. That was Greipkowsky from the carpet. Hey,
there's Christoparado, long and lean, dog loving machine. Favorite new
dinner item please. I thought you said nude dinner item. Okay,
I said you said nude. You know, we don't eat
a lot of red meat in this house. We don't
(04:55):
eat a lot of meat in general. Um, but when
we do, it's typically chicken. But my fiance, say, Jessica
was gifted these uh wag ou beef, these these steaks,
and uh damn dude, there's something different about cutting into
a fucking state like that. There's a big thing different, Like,
I don't know, we're not steak people that I then
(05:16):
you get bite and you're like, everything kind of feels good,
it tastes good, it's it's a it's a moment. So
I don't think we'll be having that often. But that
was a treat. That was It's they massage those cows
to get wagu Isn't that part of the process as
they get They don't just this way, James, you know
what I'm saying. And can I just say really quick,
(05:44):
I'm playing proud, proud of my Valentine's Day plans, which
we're kind of like Jackie, we don't. We don't do
a lot of gifts, just like something nice a meal.
But our dear Vanessa Ragling and the Dynasty Typewriter Theater
is offering some kind of fun things you can do
for for a few moments, you know, socially distance say
so Jessica doesn't know, but I'm gonna have our names
(06:04):
upon the banner on the on the marquee and they
have a little table set up with little popcorn and
cotton candy and you sit there for a little moment.
They take pictures and you do a cute little things.
So we'll be doing that. I wish I would have
not about that. That That was the last thing Aaron and
I did before lockdown. We went to the Dynasty like
we were v I P pass members and it was
the greatest Valentine's Day I've ever had period at the
(06:26):
Dynasty Typewriter. Well, apparently it came around again, James, and
you blew it. I don't know how I missed it.
I'm like, I'm a discord member of Dynasty Typewriter. I'm
gonna have a stern talking to you to the next
I mean, technically today's the tenth, so it's not too
Maybe Vanessa shall be joining us next week. Hey, um,
(06:46):
and last but fully loaded baked potato in your pants.
If you think of laze, it's Joey, some young guy
tell us why. I mean, I can tell you why.
By that, that wouldn't be really what you're asking. You're
you're asking how M and uh, And that's not an
easy answer to question. But there's an easy question to answer,
(07:09):
and that goes right back to the core of what
you're asking. And and really it's not even how you're
you're trying to discover the reality of the essence of
where your question is originating from, what's up behind you?
What's up behind you. All of our scene suggestions are
gathered from listener emails or our patroon v i P
(07:29):
s to become a patron support of the show and
joy exclusive content and other perks like video of what's
happening right now. Just head on over to patreon dot
com slash alchemy this. If you'd like to submit I
Seen suggestion by email, please right to the podcast. Your
name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name
here at Seen. One comes from our newest patron v
(07:51):
i P Jason de Graph, who wrote it. Took me
a few listens and five levels of improv classes, but
I'm finally on board with this show. Joey Greer is
very unlikable, thank you, yet very funny. James Cheeney is
(08:13):
very likable. Seeing suggestion, Ye infur away. This guy took
some comedy writing classes apparently too, thank you, Jason Seen suggestion.
K kinder Gardner is a police officer. Alright, kids, take
(08:38):
your seats, that's the third bell. Let's all settle down.
Settled down, everybody in the seats. Excuse me, yes, Mr Harper, Yes, Jennifer,
I can't sit right now. Sure you can there's an
(09:03):
issue you Okay, okay, it's gonna stick to all of
my crevices if I sit down right now, no more
be said. It's also gonna stink. So let's get you
on down the hallway. Okay, okay, you know where you're going, Hi,
Mr Harper, part of me. One second, Jennifer Tommy, Yes
(09:23):
on the principal, Principal Daniels ship Tommy, can you sit
down so I can see little principle here. I am here,
I am. I don't want to interrupt, but quick what
I have I have? Um, I have two police officers
here with us today who are here on official business. Kids.
(09:46):
The Principal and I are just gonna step down to
the hallway for a second. Seriously. Oh thank you, thank you. Yo.
No one's leaving this question. Go back inside. That's all
I'm talking about. Excuse me, officer. Yeah. Uh. These kindergarteners,
when they uh choose the expression ship themselves, are in
(10:09):
fact allowed to go to the bathroom. So if you
who's allowed to go to the bathroom and see that
before we go any further, thank you both for your
service greatly A respect your your call um. But that
young lady needs to go to the restroom, so why
(10:30):
would you have her sit down in her own faces? There?
They're here in official business. I think we should give
them the floor, give them the floor to talk to
the children after they forced one of them to sat
in their inner feces. Just the principle. I don't know. Okay, okay,
tiny principle back in away you said that his pants right?
Oh yeah, I saw that. Are you talking to me
(10:50):
or Mr Harper? Yeah? So that, Mr Harbert, give us
a second. That was wild. That was crazy, wasn't it.
Oh not switch pants with Caddy. It's like, I mean,
we all saw it on Life to Be and then
he just got naked at one point, just sweated himself out. Well,
I mean it's Caddy did. But yeah, fellas, I've got
a classroom full of students that are waiting, that are
(11:13):
left on their own. Mr Harper, thank you so much
for agreeing to meet with me. My daughter hasn't been
able to return to your class as she does have
such a U t I that she can barely walk
right right. Well, maybe at home she didn't learn back
to front to back. No, I'm pretty sure it's because
(11:35):
you made her sit in a giant pile of her
own crap. Let's go ahead and just say it with me.
Front to back, front to back, front to back. I
know about front to back. Okay, I know all about it. Okay,
my wife front to back. Mr Harper, Okay, Sir, h
Mr Johnson a little aggressive, as you both know by now.
(11:59):
They were two police officers who are controlling all of this.
Why are you taking this up with me? Is because
it's your classroom, Mr Harper. Okay, we paid for in
a very expensive, very exclusive charter school. It is my
classroom as is. This is my fist. Okay, welcome Mr
(12:20):
and Mrs Claiborne. Now I am the chief of police.
I don't have all day. You wanted to follow some
kind of report or something against a teacher assaulting one
of you. Well number one where this is the where
the Johnson's So I don't know what the claiborns another case.
My dog is here, Chief, okay, one sec a similar
complaint understood. Okay, So you're the Johnson So what's going
(12:41):
on here? What is this mickey mouse kind of precinct
you got here? We don't even know what who you're
talking to? Okay, you don't do you know what I do?
Do you know what? You know what? He? Chief? Clive
Barns are good. We're heading Okay, now you listen here. Okay,
I sent my men into your child's classroom for a reason. Okay,
(13:05):
now one of your child's classmates is an undercover agent.
We're supposed to know. I'll bunch those tips all day.
Can I finally complete to a different officer about you? Yeah?
Well here's here's Tom Thompson. He's the one who just
(13:26):
said tip punch. Yeah. This uh, this yacht here is uh,
it's got a good mileage. Sorry, my head just not
in it right now. I um, are you okay? Well yeah, yeah,
I'm I'm alright. I just I just a foot the
length of the Yeah yeah, yeah, there's a but we
should be saying this. But at my daughter's charter school,
there's a there's a kid who's not undercover cops. Right. Well,
(13:49):
you know, we came here to buy a yacht today
for a lot of mileage. You're telling us that the
mileage on the yacht, because that's that's that's important of
how efficient it is. Of course, I mean you're on
open see you we're buying a million dollar yacht. But
I want to know that it's efficient, right, you want
to know where your money is going part of it? Um,
(14:11):
you're you're the one that's selling that. Yeah right, yeah
yeah do do do you too? Listen, that's gonna happen
to you if you keep opening your mouth about one
of the cops, one of the kids being an undercover. Okay, yeah,
I'm a I'm a compass model. Okay, goddamn cover. That's right.
(14:32):
So look, do do do I'll do three. Don't do
it back to me because I have bunts, So you
get your fucking mouth shut. Okay when you go home
to a favor punt your wife and the tits. He
but yeah, I was gonna draw with it. You don't
(14:55):
mind if I if I borrow that one. I just
I don't have a red one. It's just that the
turtles supposed to be green. It's the Collywood and amusing
is the problem? A kid? What's your name? Billy? Hey, Billy?
Anybody ever tell you're a bit whiny? No? No, whatever?
Wanna be the first? Your parents a line to your face?
(15:15):
Your mrp Henna drop off lunch from my boy. He's
gonna have at in this card in the sackret Hey, pop,
what's up? Are you doing? All right? Yeah? Yeah, you know,
I'm gona take some of these fucking bread so my again,
I like to rip off the heads and shut down
the next And what I'm saying, only a couple more years,
(15:38):
all right, once you get into the sixth grade with
these kids, Yeah, I know what I signed up for.
Well I get a rubbed my face. I'm just saying,
all right, it's a long haul. I'm with you, all right.
Donny Brasco, Donty Brasco, Donny Brasco, Don'ty Brasco, Donny Brasco.
All right, thanks for the secret. Mr HARPERA, what's up?
(15:59):
My My partner took my crayons that I was using it.
I don't think he's very familiar with the concept of sharing.
I'd like you to have a starch um. I don't
think it's what's your name, Billy. It's difficult to keep
all your names, Drake, so let's watch the attitude. Also
(16:21):
yeah yeah, great, super psyched to see you every day. Uh.
The lesson here we're gonna learn actually is stitches. Snitches
get stitches. So yep, so so maybe we don't rat
out someone who who needed to borrow your crayon. Oh yeah, okay,
Mrs Johnson, Um, just just just a minute, uh hello him,
(16:50):
Mrs Johnson. I'm I'm the chief of police. I'm the
one that punched you last week, and I'm here to
say two things. One, I'm sorry about that. Okay, I'm sorry.
The five borns were down my throat and I took
it out on you and I shouldn't have okay. And two,
we want to use your daughter. We need her to
(17:10):
go deep deep undercover. Turns out person we have undercover
now in her class, he's compromised. Is she here? Um? Yes.
And I just want to make this very clear that
I'm not doing this to help you. You know, I wouldn't.
I wouldn't help a man who punched me and each
(17:31):
tip Okay, I'm doing this because my daughter needs something
to activate her brain a little more. Right now. She's
a little bored in class, and she's at a level
in which that comes out in uh, disruptive behavior, when
really it's just that she's so smart, you know, um,
that she needs to rebel in that way. So I'm
(17:53):
going to do this for her, not for you. Open.
I understand that the problem is is that when you knocked,
I was in the middle of doing a big vapor
rub over the whole chest, and if I put the
rope over it, it's gonna ruin the rope. It's just
gonna get it. Oily, It's just gonna So I tried
(18:15):
to dry it, and so, you know, a long story short,
I sold it. I sold the gold platinum. So it
looks like I'll be able to meet my my bonus.
Thanks for the greens. You said you wanted to tell
me something funny. Yes, well, oh, nipples, nips just pumped
(18:40):
off going on. They just Oh, should have toughest dinners.
I told you we should have topples dinner. How else
am I going to get the vix to dry if
I can't do other things while it's trying? Oh my god, Okay, okay,
I can't stop to belth Jesus just like phone out.
Ok We're doing. Everybody enjoying. Nipples just got shot out.
(19:06):
Some free bread or something for that, I mean, God,
for fresh sake, please, a side of bread is two dollars,
but I'm happy to add it to your nipples just
got shot off in your restaurant. Man, you did sign
a waiver when you entered the restaurant. Um, I don't
really need a babysitter. Um, so you are going to
(19:29):
be here. You can just be here, but like, don't
look at me in the concept of being hired to
be a babysitter and then not babysitting. Just collect the check,
Just collect the check, you know. Do you want to
get that? Um? Yeah, well yeah, definitely. Okay, Hello, hey,
(19:57):
somebody order a picture, get a second, get the kids,
Get the kids right now because the kid famish shooting
job ever, all right, we can't get the kids. She's
too quick. I got knocked out. I think I'm are
(20:24):
you okay? Oh my god, what's just happened? Um? Mr
and Mrs Johnson, We just want to congratulate you on race.
Why can't you understand ship ship? This happens every time,
Chief we are here, though, the Johnson's are here in
(20:45):
the hall where the c Borns, Claiborns, Clayborns who kids
the ship. We should have taken my name. It was
easier to say, okay, so you're okay, so let's just
get my wife started. Name was quite Clayborne. I don't
need to get through that. So you're we're not related,
which we're not? Well, lad, who isn't though? Was a
(21:05):
human right? We're all Christian a complaint? No, we're not
all Christian first cousins. Isn't related? Isn't What do you mean, Chris?
Have you been baptized? Okay, so you're complaining that people
are paying baptized? No? Is this water for me? Yeah?
You been baptized Jesus. We were all born from Clay.
(21:28):
We are play your hands off, your hands off from Clay.
We're Clay. Use my name, you use my name? To
do that too, to too to you too, Johnson, That
is just seen one too to YouTube, to do to YouTube,
(21:55):
seen to come h from Will who wrote, Hey, gang,
I love the show. You guys are the best. Blah
blah blah. Kevin and Christier always talking about this Below
Deck show. I have no idea what this show is,
but I have gathered there is a boat, a chef,
and some sassy folks. My scene idea is an episode
of Below Deck is interrupted by a sea monster. Thanks
and keep up the good work, folks. Will. I'm just
(22:17):
so sick and tired of having to cover up for
this lackluster decand you know what I'm saying, either do
the job or don't. How did you get on this boat? Look,
I'm the chef, you know what I mean. So I
just I don't know who else to talk to. Okay, okay, yeah, no,
I'm with you. I'm with you. I mean, what would
you do in my shoes? I guess is what I'm asking? Fire? Fire, fire,
(22:40):
immediately fire. Oh well, captain at least. Yeah. See, I
always feel like Captain Lee is like, I'm not here
as a as a babysitter, and then so I don't
want to bring anything to him. Yeah, but you're also
not a babysitter here trying this exactly. That's good. Where
is that avocado? Avocado? Straight? Yeah? I didn't do anything
(23:02):
to it, so good. Captain. I need to tell you
that I've seen something in the water following us behind
for a good three or four days. Now, I believe
it's you. You've seen it for three or four days.
You're just telling me now, Well, I tell you it's
something that it's not easy to talk about. I believe
(23:23):
he's got the chin in face of an arts, the
wings of a dragon, and the body of a nine
foot man, and he's been a following us before, maybe three,
three or four days. Okay, well, next time you see
anything with even one of those horrible features, let me
know a meeting. Okay, who probably is I've I've had
(23:46):
I've had a tumble with him in the past. One
of the side effects is it's insanity. It's very possible
it's just my insanity. Well, look, hi, you we hope
you're enjoying your charter um as you know the chef
right before you. You can see I made um look
(24:06):
listen to me and my wife actually just got through
a pretty traumatic experience back home. We've had a nipple
replacement surgery and I actually sell these yachts to back
back only. I don't want to bribe, but if we can't,
just want to get started on our daughter. Good god,
we don't want to get started. Okay, it's just us
too here. We're out here just to kinna, you know,
rekindle the flame if you will. Just letting you know
(24:27):
the courses I'll be serving you tonight. Um. So first,
this year's avocado um raw, nothing done to it. Okay,
So that's less of a course and more of just
an avocado. Okay, they just open you just cut open
an avocado. Looks like you've done that too early. It's
already were way too nice with this chef. Look, I'm
the Primaries lawyer and I'm on this. Yeah, because he
(24:48):
owes me a lot of money. But in terms of
this order, you're breaking down for us. How about this
get back to the galley, do the cooking and service up.
I have a lot of money, so he has he
can just kind of do whatever he wants, right, So whoa,
(25:09):
don't look at that guy? Weird? That's what the chef
coming out and giving us the menu. You know, if
I wanted to go to Denny's, I would have gone
to Denny's. You guys paid a lot for this yat, Yeah,
tell me about it, don't. I'm gonna be bored enough.
Window well you excuse me, I'm sorry, who's just gonna
board these windows up? Thanks? The password is scurvy? I
(25:34):
supposed to me. I thought the whole point of this
certain excursion or or charter should we say, is that,
like the crew is hot. I thought the crew is hot. Yeah,
they're supposed to be hot because we're not. Yeah, it's
part of the thing. You pay for. I want to
be surrounded by hotness so that I feel prop SMI candy.
(25:58):
We're trying to rekindle our relationships, so you know, it's
anything to get that going. Why, why that's not the
This is not the kind of Uh. I feel like
we drove past that, captain. Captain part of me. May
I enter the bridge? Smission permission? Entered the bridge. You
(26:20):
don't need to do that. You don't need permission. Granted,
this isn't the military. Yes, I I um, I just
want to touch base quickly with you. The guests seemed
to be loving the food. They had a great beach
day today. Um. It seems that Angus is that his name? Yeah,
the the engineer. He's boarding up the windows. It's kind
(26:44):
of it's not as beautiful in there anymore. Okay, Uh,
I'm gonna love it with you, and I find a
way to keep don't do that. Find a way to
keep the secret from the passengers. Okay. We're being followed
by a sea creature with a knock puts his chin
and the body of a nine ft man. Okay. Does
(27:07):
it have wings, Yeah, like a dragon's wings, and it
has some sort of vindetta against Angus. Specifically, this boat
is energy efficient and can't go more than two knocks?
How many? How many? I have no idea. Come in,
Come in, the captain of the Argonautica, Come in. This
(27:30):
is a May Day May date Argonautica. This is uh, hello, yeah, Argonautica.
This is uh. What's the name of the ship? I
need to know this. This is amazing Argonica. I'm I'm
(27:50):
peeking over the side, h but I'm on the port side.
On the port side does not appear to be the
name is not on the port side, going over the starboard,
going over the starboard, peeking outside. Uh, this is the
USS convoy. This is well, I didn't think it was,
(28:13):
but apparently it is. I think it's a it's a
requisitioned military yacht. It's an energy fishing military yacht. But
we're we're complete, we're civilians here. What what do you
got aeronautics? What's the mileage? It's not good. It's not good.
It's like two nuts. But it says I'm fueled. It
(28:33):
really does. Uh. Okay, And for your second course, um
it is this is a coconut. This is a raw,
fresh coconut. And I'm so sorry. I'm still waiting for
that first course as you just kind of gave us
each half of a rotten avocado. Am I supposed to
(28:55):
be peeling the husk off of this coconut myself? If so,
please give me a hammer. Okay, we didn't pay this
much to peel a husk. Okay, we're trying to rekindle
our marriage. We're trying to peel that husk. Okay, we're
trying to peel the marriage husk. Okay, and and and
and and show the mar and show that meat, that
(29:18):
marriage meat. Yeah, the inside of the nut. You know
what I'm saying. And chef, I've seen the show. You
know you do great work. So thank you. Why are
you doing everything you can to deliver uncooked, unprepared things?
Thank you? And you're a master. You have a tough
day or something? Tough day? Were like a tough life?
(29:39):
Keep going. You know you're you're in front of people
who paid sixty dollars for a couple of days, so
by all means, share with sixt grade each I did?
I got this? Okay? Do you ever think maybe as
a chef somebody might serve your needs? Yes, your knees.
(30:04):
Nobody serves my name Aaronaica. Come in, Aeronautica. Come in?
Is your Aeronautica? Boy, this is the Aeronautica. How can
I help you? Yes, you called me with a may
day call. No, oh, you're talking with the Argo Nautica. Yes,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Where are you Aeronautica. Oh I'm
I'm at Port so the Less. Yeah. Okay, do you
(30:37):
master Crulu. I know you come from the deep depth
of infinite space, but I must ask you to leave
the ship, leave this vessel. No, can't do you owe me?
All right? Well, then I'm gonna have to ask you
to at least to dress nicely. A lot of people
paid a lot of money, and I want you to blend. Fine,
(30:58):
you might have your revenge. Huh. Do you have clothes
for me? Okay, you just stay out here and don't
talk to anyone. I'll bring you a suit. Okay, excuse me,
excuse me. I'm angus. I work. I do a lot
of the maintenance on the ship, and I helped with
(31:21):
the little tidy things on the ship. I'm looking for
an extra suit so I can blend in a little
bit more because this year maintenance outfit makes me feel
out of place, Angus, I got all kinds of suits
you want, a bathing suit or a proper evening suit. Tuxedo,
black tuxedo, Yeah, I brought one of those. I just
have a real quick question for you, Angus. Is it Uh? Yeah.
(31:45):
I'm a big fan of the television show that does
these yacht excursions. And from what I've seen, the engineers
day the funk out of the picture. Well, don't tell anyone.
Usually it's the case being being hunted by a prehistoric
(32:05):
alien named He's having Argonautica. Come in, Argonautica, the Argonautica.
Maybe maybe how can I help? How can I help Argonautica?
Save yourself? Save yourself? Should we? We are a slow,
(32:26):
slow yacht. Whatever attacked us moved on. It devoured everybody.
I mean, okay, not everybody, but I'm so sorry I've
(32:46):
yet to see you on this yacht. I'm one of
the people that paid to be here. Oh this is Johnson.
Nice to meet you. I'm I'm scout this vessel to
see maybe I might want to charge it next next,
next round. Honestly, was the way that you look? You
(33:07):
could work here? Oh? Please, please you? I opened up
the coconuts. Hello, Oh you need help with those coconuts. No,
I already opened up. You know what, Johnson? Is it right?
You just drink the milk, open your mouth. Okay, okay, Hey,
(33:29):
how are you doing? Nice to meet you? Meet you too.
M h. I just swallowed your husband and I but
maybe maybe yeah into it. I don't know. Are you
feeling that I'm feeling this? I just I didn't think so.
(33:50):
I was a surprise for me. I had to digest it.
But then when I did, I got I gotta be
honest with you. See this suit? Oh my god. Actually
I actually have dragon wings and the chain of an octopus.
I can tell. And it's really something, you know, something luscious,
And I'm feeling stay back, monster? What kind of monster
(34:17):
put gives her daughter away to go undercover in a
kindergarten class ware? Did you do that? Listen? I didn't
give her away. I gave her well, I gave her
a way to manage her hyperactivity. I'm gonna get your
husband back. I'm gonna get your husband back. First of all,
(34:37):
thank you both for coming in. Very brave, very brave.
This will be the first of looks like you're down
for eight sessions of marriage. Counseling. Um so, Mrs Johnson, Um,
I understand your real estate broker and you, sir, I'm
gonna say r A C monster. Is that correct? Yes?
(35:03):
I do want to see it for the record. Her
husband is alive inside me, so that I saw that
in the notes. Um So, how shall I address you?
What's your name? Tim? Okay, call me Jim. No weird
but cool? All right? Uh So, the clad borns by
(35:25):
the way where we have the one o'clock session, We're
supposed to be in there. We're not supposed to be
in here, so please talk to the receptionist. Thank you.
We did talk to her and she's been baptized. Thank
you very much. Have you been baptized? I'm Jewish, so
it's probably not gonna happen. You gotta get baptized. What
(35:46):
about you, sir with the distinct chin? Oh no, no,
I I haven't been baptized. You have an octopus's chin,
which is to say, no chin at all, octopus chin.
What does that mean? Yeah, that's angers angers. I thought
we were good. What are you doing at my house?
I've got my family and I just wanted we are good,
(36:09):
and I wonder if maybe we can be better. Better.
I mean, if I never have to look at your
nightmarish face again, I'd be the happiest, not a sailor anymore.
I don't know what you're going back to see. Don't
look at the look. I'm in love with Mrs Johnson. Okay,
(36:34):
but she's married and he's inside. Oh that's what. That's
why I'm here. It's weird. It's weird for everybody. Mr Johnson.
Do you want to say anything? No? It sounds like no.
It sounds like no, and that's part of the problem.
(36:54):
It's a love trying. I need your help, Biop. But
I've only known love once, and it brought me a son.
I don't know what more love beautiful? Oh, thank you,
thank you. Uh, maybe you can kill me? Well, I
take this, take this man out of my body and
(37:15):
let him go back to his wife. I've tried many
of times to kill you, lu But I suppose if
you would come inside and maybe lie in a vulnerable position,
I could maybe split you open. And are you sure
you want to do this? Well? They always say the
son of your enemy will be the death of you. Dad, mom,
(37:36):
said the saladist. Sir. Uh, hey son, who's this guy, Dad,
This is Louisa. He's an ancient god from the alien world.
I believe that maybe are you gonna have or not?
Don't come over here? Oh no, no, no, no, what
(37:57):
Why don't you just is this a friend of your
from work? No, he's not a friend. He's an ancient enemy. Well,
why don't we have him in for dinner? Come on in.
Maybe it's time we break bread and stop having enemies
and more like friends. I like that very much. All right,
all right, we'd like to before dinner. You're just serving bananas,
(38:26):
trading for your tapioca, just kidding. You're under our arrest.
Put your hand up and that is that has seen too? Uh? God,
damn hot, damn. James's reaction to the creature telling him
that he had Mr Johnson inside of him. You're gonna
(38:49):
have to roll back the tape. But I promise you
it's the worth worth the price of it. It was
I haven't Mr Johnson inside of me? And James went, huh.
Scene three comes from Patrin Alca Mania Kevin Prod who
(39:09):
wrote Alca Maestros. I'll keep it short. I have a
scene suggestion based on a story James half told on
his Twitch live stream. Rival gangs of improvisers battle with
each other for the control of different theaters in town.
Signed swan drizzle Okay, Uh, if we're done with our
(39:38):
yes ends for now, I just want to go over
to turf war that's raging outside this door. Uh. If
anyone has any questions glory those first? Yep, maybe we
could play. We could discuss this turf war in the
question schame. Yep, that would be most productive. You want
(39:58):
to kick that off there? Sure? Where exactly do you
think your turf begins? Nice? Anybody? Well? I mean we're
supposed to only respond with questions. That's not a question.
He loses a point for explaining what it was. Are
you trying to tell us what the questions game is?
(40:18):
That's a question? Ship? Am I? You didn't do a
question there either. Listen, listen, listen. Am I the only
one asking questions here? There's another question? I haven't heard
anyone else. I don't think ask a question ship, it's
a statement. Look, let's get something straight. Oh boy, we're
the no butts. That's right? Are we the no butts
(40:42):
playing the game? See the note butts? We uh, we
don't play by the fucking rules, you understand, Except for Carl.
He's a real theater sport. Am I the best improviser here.
It's kind of a bummer for us, to be honest,
but he's quick on his toes. We gotta settle this
once and for all. Okay, would you like to do that?
(41:09):
How do we do some long for a scene of
Have we ever done a scene longer than thirty seconds? Carl?
Carl chief starting interrupt. Um just got a report on
the improv turf war going down right out right down
to downtown, right off downtown downtown. Um, yeah, uh, nobody cares.
(41:36):
There's a lot improvisers dead, but it doesn't seem like
the community really gives a ship if you like, they're
all about it. We get a lot of pressure from
from the mayor to keep it going. Uh, so, to
keep the improv war going. Yeah, apparently the mayor says
the less the better. I don't know. Well, I think
maybe you should try to get us into the mayor's
office so we could talk to him. You're the chief
(41:58):
of police. Why what with the so I should just
give him a call. I don't know. I love the
mayor's office, all right, this is the chief of Police.
I'm calling in regards Chicago. Okay, Chicago, Oh, thank god,
(42:19):
thank god. I was told that there was an improv
bottle going on downtown. I figured that was odd. In
the first improv battle, if battle improper battle going on down,
I was gonna ask what his imp bottle is. Well,
I guess it's one you just kind of make with
your hand to pretend that it's there. That would be
an improp sure, sure, But I don't know why they're
(42:40):
battling downtown. I think that the turf wars are typically
done towards the north end. Okay, so you want to
set up a meeting with the mayor. Oh Ship, this
isn't the mayor. I'm not even on the phone with
the mayor right now. I don't know who. Do you
think the mayor? Answers the phone and says Mayor's office. Oh, Ship,
But I'm I'm flatter you think I'm the mayor, Susan.
(43:07):
I don't care that somebody thought you were the fucking mayor.
Just order. I mean I was talking for like five minutes.
The whole time. I guess he thought I was the mayor.
But you're not, and you never will be. Susan, you
never will be Okay, you're an assistant. Look, I'm closer
to the mayor than of Chicago. Alright, who got the
(43:29):
deep dish? I'm just kidding here you go? Alright, let mhm,
what was the joke. It's just it's a big pie.
It's a thick, deep pie. What do you do? You
a funny person? I do it? Pro Can I get
a suggestion of a tip? I'm just kidding. I'm sure
(43:51):
that will be included. What side you repon? Excuse what
side you repon? I don't reb anybody, but if there's
a side, I'd say, good day, go to fucking hell.
I be the no butts. Alright, guys, I know that
you don't like me to talk that much, but I
(44:13):
really think that I could be an asset in this war.
Just send me over there, Bill bulldoze me. It'll be
a distraction and then you guys can go in. Come on.
I don't even hear you right now. I mean, that's
that's where we're at. I don't even hear this suggestion.
Don't worry. They will barely let me get a word in.
Just let me get in there. It's for you. It's
(44:36):
I have to recruit more white straight men. Do you understand? Okay,
the rosters are running thing, minderstand listen. I'm wearing my
baggy is clothes. I've got no makeup on. In fact,
I put on a little makeup under my eyes to
make me look hired. I'm trying to look as ugly
as I can't. But I don't distract you guys from
(44:57):
how unfunny I am. I mean, let's get real. I
couldn't possibly beat, but I'm not sure to be fun
you look even funnier, so just let me be talked over.
But you don't get this ignorance and toxic masculinity. It
seemed into the soil of this town. All right? Okay? Fine? Um?
(45:18):
What if what if you do like like a group
like an organic group scene, and you guys just lift?
How about this? How about you cut because you're strong?
You're cut? What am I interrupting? Anything? Not? Really? Are
we still playing the game? Has anybody not noticed? Does
anybody not care that Carl can't stop the question? Gate? Like?
(45:45):
You should just try stand up or sketch or I
don't know, do a one person show or whatever. You
don't understand, I'm really Bianca. Your vocal cords are cut.
I can't hear you. I'd like to tell you need
to answer for her. Oh maybe I don't need to, sir, No,
you don't. You need to get the funk out of
Are you sure to have a man to okay suck
(46:09):
out of here? Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay. Sorry
I was choking up. It was just a little bit emotional.
And that's my biggest problem. I can't I can't just
stand up. I get too emotional and I can't do
for me. Hey, can I sit here? Yes? Of course
(46:31):
you can join our conversation. Oh, I'm not gonna pick
up your ticks. Hold on a second. You don't have
to always say yes. And but that's what I'm good at,
kind of. You're good at so many things. You got
a carpentry, You're good taekwondo. I'm good at being a lawyer.
(46:53):
I'm gonna I'm gonna pitch one idea I know you
don't know me, and then I'll be on my way up.
All right, how about this? How would I charge you
with fee? That's a little much for two hours of
rehearsal every week? Okay, I'll be your coach say, Um,
it'll feel like it's not worth it, but I will
keep reinforcing your bad habits and making you need it
feel like you need to come back to me, and
(47:14):
then eventually you're talking about an abusive relationship that she
has to pay for. I think we're good. Okay, I
gotta go, Thank you. Bye. Here's a thing I already doctor.
Can I get a diagnosis? Yeah? Sure, you know it's
something wrong with me. It seems like every week with
this uh you can buy and ask these questions? Why
(47:36):
can I not stop asking questions? Because you gotta want it?
As I explained last time, you have to want to
stop asking questions. There's no outside force that can help
you stop. Do you have any exercises I can do? Yep?
Repeat after me. Hey, those are nice looking pants. Can
you speak up a little bit? Carl, father's in here.
(48:01):
Umlug on him. Sorry, let me just turn off this
audio recording doing an audio tutorial and pantsling? Was that
my therapy session? I don't know. Carl, your father's in there.
If you want to say some last words were about
is it going to die? He's about to die? Yeah,
we're about to pull the plug. So if you'd like
(48:21):
to go in there and just say something. Does he
know who I am? Yes? Yes? Oh? Dad? Do you
remember Carl? Your son? Is that you? Carl? Why won't
you come to my show? Where have you been? Are
(48:45):
you feeling all right? Boo boo oh, we didn't have
to pull the plug. Okay, good, good, good good? Alright, Carl?
Can I get his first? Will effect? We'd like to
keep them? Hey, what's up dude? You seem you're new here,
(49:06):
right You kind of look like a chick, but you're
wearing a hat, so you've got to be a guy. Definitely, guy.
I'm hold on one second. Falls they hurt me, so
I have to hold on to finger off my butt
because my falls hurt so bad. To tell me about it?
(49:27):
Do that all the time. Yeah, so you're here for
the impromt. Dude? It was at the flannel shirtar Yeah,
it's a flannel shirt and they and the the stubble
around your face, that kind of fashion beard thing that's
not a full beer and like no product in my hair.
(49:47):
Just kind of, what's up? What did you say? It
doesn't matter. Look, look, this is not just any improv team.
We're going to battle tonight to the death. I can
do that for sure. I'm very good at battling. The
only thing it gets in my way is my big
swinging dick. My dick sometimes so bigthetic swings and it
(50:09):
hits me, and that that hurts me because it hits
me right and the kids, and then I have trouble
recouping from that. That's kind of the only trouble I
have battling that big old thick so big you're really
love it though. They hop on, hop on take it.
(50:32):
They take it for a ride and they say thank
you and the whole time, and I'm like, you're welcome,
You're welcome, You're welcome, And they're like, damn, Carl, I'm
so sorry I started that game. I feel really awful.
What are you doing to me? It's not me, it's
short form. I think you got to go to the
(50:53):
other gang. I don't want to have to fight you,
but I think you got to go to the long
form gang. Do you know my father died? That's our
show the question, Poor Carl, such devotion. Let's thank all
of our alchemists, starting with Jackie d Ruthie, thank you
(51:16):
so much, and congrats on your pain and wall thank you.
What color is that is not like a teal? Yeah,
I think it's like a deal. We picked it from
they mixed it so it doesn't even have a name. Well,
please give a name before we see you next. Yeah,
no pressure, uh Zara, your Instagram account is where folks
(51:38):
should go a surgeon. I'm not Jackie Druthy and I
think it's a good time. Okay, cool. Well you have
provided one here today. So thank you, thank you, thank you. Yeah,
Chris av Verando, thank you, buddy. Oh, thank you for
having me. Um still sending folks over to at the
Comedy Fix on Instagram. Right, new podcast with the Comedy
(52:01):
Fix Well Loves Loves Well said, thank you, James z Eni,
thank you so much for being here. Thank you for
thanking me. I'd like to thank somebody that I believe
we all probably know. The name of the five star
review was titled danger piss your Pants Funny. Everyone that
(52:21):
listen says they almost kill themselves laughing while driving. Be
careful out there. And that's from McCoy, can't well. We
love McCoy. Yes, um, so thank you McCoy for the review.
It's actually super helpful getting the word out and spreading
Alchemy this to everybody. So that's what I'd like to say,
thank you for it does help a lot, and we
(52:41):
don't pimp it enough, so thank you very much. We're
acting on your own damn it. Craig Kowski, thank you.
As always. I've been avoiding watching below Deck, but now
that I know, I will definitely and uh follow me
on Instagram see Kikowski. I'll be doing a five hour
(53:01):
questions game on Instagram live. Can't wait for that? Do
you have a date yet for that one? Uh? February?
That's right, can't wait. Joey German. Um, I'm gonna be
guesting on that live, so please please check it out.
Oh I am right, I am a check out Alchemy.
(53:27):
This is INSTI uh and um that's it. Have fun, live, live,
love laugh. Oh no, let's let's walk that one back
just for a second if we could. Uh, and let's
thank our producer and engineer to the stars, Mr Dubine. Fine, folks,
that I heard media. I'm your host, Kevin Pollock, thanking
(53:51):
you all for h for supporting us and uh enjoying
ourselves at our behest. Um, it's incredibly great to be back. Uh,
and I will be back next week as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I want to thank Cole Stratton for guest hosting in
my absence. He is incredibly talented and helpful and it's
(54:13):
just a real uh positive for me to be able
to leave the show in such capable hands, and so
I wanted to take a moment to thank him. Um,
let's be kind to each other out there, folks, please,
it is the absolute least you can do for yourself
is to be kind to others. Until next time, it's
(55:02):
set a football for Pepper for home
I welcome back to another episode edition. I'm your host,
Kevin Powick. Yes that's Kevin Vallington. Oh. I love a
good pickle. Yeah, the crisper the better. I think compliments
sandwich better than just the red pickle that I mentioned pickles,
But I digress. Let's bet an army shower, no particular Lord,
(00:24):
please say good afternoon to Jackie, to Ruthie, Good afternoon
class ms D. If you're not talking to Janet Jackson,
how's your fav how's your Valentine's shaping up? Uh? You know,
pretty standard, pretty good. It'll be nice. Um, not a
day that I you know, let's eat a good meal.
(00:48):
Other than that, I don't really care. So that will
be happening. And I am excited for that. And when
you told you before, that's exciting. When you told your
husband the first time, I don't really care about Valentine's
Did he fall for that as I did when told
I don't think I ever told him, you know, I
don't think it was a conversation. It's like, of course,
you know, I just think what else are we to do? Like,
(01:11):
you have a nice meal? What else is there to do?
I don't know, Maybe I'm maybe that's just me shart knowing. No,
there's no rules. It's a completely fabricated holiday that puts
a tremendous I feel personally clearly an unfair amount of
pressure to make it super special and fail pretty absolutely
(01:31):
yeah absolutely, Now I just bombard. I just do everything.
You get a card, you get flowers, you get candy,
you get you know, jewelry, you get sucking everything. Wow,
I don't care. Take the fucking kid. What about candy?
(01:52):
I like candy, so yeah, no complaints. Cookies, it's it's
it's an excuse to indulge. So I'll definitely like we'll
have a something sweet and delicious, cook something good. I
like an indulgent day. Do you have a favorite brand
from box of candy? Yes, I'm a Twizzlers fanatic. Now
I know that's in a bag and not in ale
(02:13):
in a box. Yeah no, I was looking for a
box heart shape right right right? Oh? Like the chocolates, uh,
I mean good dive no answer the answers, No, you
do not have a favorite. I like the I like
the dark chocolate outside with the coconut inside, and everything
else can go funck itself. It's the opposite usually people
(02:37):
say that about the coconut one. Well, that's how I
feel about like grape, uh grape Jolly ranchers, great blow pops.
I love them. And everyone else is like, oh, that's trash. Great,
give me your trash. That's my my. Jamie is the
same way on the coconut and the grape chocolate covered grape.
I think that would be pretty gross late grapes. No,
(03:01):
let's derail. Hey, there's James Heeney, Johnny Ronnie Heinster. How's
your supply of frozen hash Brown's today? It's actually not
so bad. We had a real close call about a
week ago. We were two Browns, which is not enough
for a full breakfast. Um, so we ended up having
(03:21):
to have a half breakfast, which is just like what
the why fucking both having one hashbrown because then you're
only gonna have one egg, one piece of toast, And
what that means is you're gonna have to have another
extra meal. So so if I make you, you said
you were down to two hash Browns, which means two squares,
two squares, so one square piece, one square piece. He's
(03:43):
nowhere near enough for you, I mean, not for a
full meal. That's what my wife? Can I call it
half breakfast? You're like, uh. And now Craigkowsky with his
Oscar nomination predictions, cow Kevin, I'm here live at the
Academy of Bullshit Picture Arts and Sciences. That was a
(04:06):
giant golden statue out here. Uh. He has no genitalia,
as Dustin Hoppan famously observed in nine. Uh. Nominated for
Best Picture this year The Hedgehog. Real shocker. It's a
real shocker. Nobody saw anything and nothing playing in theaters.
(04:32):
Thank you for that. That was Greipkowsky from the carpet. Hey,
there's Christoparado, long and lean, dog loving machine. Favorite new
dinner item please. I thought you said nude dinner item. Okay,
I said you said nude. You know, we don't eat
a lot of red meat in this house. We don't
(04:55):
eat a lot of meat in general. Um, but when
we do, it's typically chicken. But my fiance, say, Jessica
was gifted these uh wag ou beef, these these steaks,
and uh damn dude, there's something different about cutting into
a fucking state like that. There's a big thing different, Like,
I don't know, we're not steak people that I then
(05:16):
you get bite and you're like, everything kind of feels good,
it tastes good, it's it's a it's a moment. So
I don't think we'll be having that often. But that
was a treat. That was It's they massage those cows
to get wagu Isn't that part of the process as
they get They don't just this way, James, you know
what I'm saying. And can I just say really quick,
(05:44):
I'm playing proud, proud of my Valentine's Day plans, which
we're kind of like Jackie, we don't. We don't do
a lot of gifts, just like something nice a meal.
But our dear Vanessa Ragling and the Dynasty Typewriter Theater
is offering some kind of fun things you can do
for for a few moments, you know, socially distance say
so Jessica doesn't know, but I'm gonna have our names
(06:04):
upon the banner on the on the marquee and they
have a little table set up with little popcorn and
cotton candy and you sit there for a little moment.
They take pictures and you do a cute little things.
So we'll be doing that. I wish I would have
not about that. That That was the last thing Aaron and
I did before lockdown. We went to the Dynasty like
we were v I P pass members and it was
the greatest Valentine's Day I've ever had period at the
(06:26):
Dynasty Typewriter. Well, apparently it came around again, James, and
you blew it. I don't know how I missed it.
I'm like, I'm a discord member of Dynasty Typewriter. I'm
gonna have a stern talking to you to the next
I mean, technically today's the tenth, so it's not too
Maybe Vanessa shall be joining us next week. Hey, um,
(06:46):
and last but fully loaded baked potato in your pants.
If you think of laze, it's Joey, some young guy
tell us why. I mean, I can tell you why.
By that, that wouldn't be really what you're asking. You're
you're asking how M and uh, And that's not an
easy answer to question. But there's an easy question to answer,
(07:09):
and that goes right back to the core of what
you're asking. And and really it's not even how you're
you're trying to discover the reality of the essence of
where your question is originating from, what's up behind you?
What's up behind you. All of our scene suggestions are
gathered from listener emails or our patroon v i P
(07:29):
s to become a patron support of the show and
joy exclusive content and other perks like video of what's
happening right now. Just head on over to patreon dot
com slash alchemy this. If you'd like to submit I
Seen suggestion by email, please right to the podcast. Your
name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name
here at Seen. One comes from our newest patron v
(07:51):
i P Jason de Graph, who wrote it. Took me
a few listens and five levels of improv classes, but
I'm finally on board with this show. Joey Greer is
very unlikable, thank you, yet very funny. James Cheeney is
(08:13):
very likable. Seeing suggestion, Ye infur away. This guy took
some comedy writing classes apparently too, thank you, Jason Seen suggestion.
K kinder Gardner is a police officer. Alright, kids, take
(08:38):
your seats, that's the third bell. Let's all settle down.
Settled down, everybody in the seats. Excuse me, yes, Mr Harper, Yes, Jennifer,
I can't sit right now. Sure you can there's an
(09:03):
issue you Okay, okay, it's gonna stick to all of
my crevices if I sit down right now, no more
be said. It's also gonna stink. So let's get you
on down the hallway. Okay, okay, you know where you're going, Hi,
Mr Harper, part of me. One second, Jennifer Tommy, Yes
(09:23):
on the principal, Principal Daniels ship Tommy, can you sit
down so I can see little principle here. I am here,
I am. I don't want to interrupt, but quick what
I have I have? Um, I have two police officers
here with us today who are here on official business. Kids.
(09:46):
The Principal and I are just gonna step down to
the hallway for a second. Seriously. Oh thank you, thank you. Yo.
No one's leaving this question. Go back inside. That's all
I'm talking about. Excuse me, officer. Yeah. Uh. These kindergarteners,
when they uh choose the expression ship themselves, are in
(10:09):
fact allowed to go to the bathroom. So if you
who's allowed to go to the bathroom and see that
before we go any further, thank you both for your
service greatly A respect your your call um. But that
young lady needs to go to the restroom, so why
(10:30):
would you have her sit down in her own faces? There?
They're here in official business. I think we should give
them the floor, give them the floor to talk to
the children after they forced one of them to sat
in their inner feces. Just the principle. I don't know. Okay, okay,
tiny principle back in away you said that his pants right?
Oh yeah, I saw that. Are you talking to me
(10:50):
or Mr Harper? Yeah? So that, Mr Harbert, give us
a second. That was wild. That was crazy, wasn't it.
Oh not switch pants with Caddy. It's like, I mean,
we all saw it on Life to Be and then
he just got naked at one point, just sweated himself out. Well,
I mean it's Caddy did. But yeah, fellas, I've got
a classroom full of students that are waiting, that are
(11:13):
left on their own. Mr Harper, thank you so much
for agreeing to meet with me. My daughter hasn't been
able to return to your class as she does have
such a U t I that she can barely walk
right right. Well, maybe at home she didn't learn back
to front to back. No, I'm pretty sure it's because
(11:35):
you made her sit in a giant pile of her
own crap. Let's go ahead and just say it with me.
Front to back, front to back, front to back. I
know about front to back. Okay, I know all about it. Okay,
my wife front to back. Mr Harper, Okay, Sir, h
Mr Johnson a little aggressive, as you both know by now.
(11:59):
They were two police officers who are controlling all of this.
Why are you taking this up with me? Is because
it's your classroom, Mr Harper. Okay, we paid for in
a very expensive, very exclusive charter school. It is my
classroom as is. This is my fist. Okay, welcome Mr
(12:20):
and Mrs Claiborne. Now I am the chief of police.
I don't have all day. You wanted to follow some
kind of report or something against a teacher assaulting one
of you. Well number one where this is the where
the Johnson's So I don't know what the claiborns another case.
My dog is here, Chief, okay, one sec a similar
complaint understood. Okay, So you're the Johnson So what's going
(12:41):
on here? What is this mickey mouse kind of precinct
you got here? We don't even know what who you're
talking to? Okay, you don't do you know what I do?
Do you know what? You know what? He? Chief? Clive
Barns are good. We're heading Okay, now you listen here. Okay,
I sent my men into your child's classroom for a reason. Okay,
(13:05):
now one of your child's classmates is an undercover agent.
We're supposed to know. I'll bunch those tips all day.
Can I finally complete to a different officer about you? Yeah?
Well here's here's Tom Thompson. He's the one who just
(13:26):
said tip punch. Yeah. This uh, this yacht here is uh,
it's got a good mileage. Sorry, my head just not
in it right now. I um, are you okay? Well yeah, yeah,
I'm I'm alright. I just I just a foot the
length of the Yeah yeah, yeah, there's a but we
should be saying this. But at my daughter's charter school,
there's a there's a kid who's not undercover cops. Right. Well,
(13:49):
you know, we came here to buy a yacht today
for a lot of mileage. You're telling us that the
mileage on the yacht, because that's that's that's important of
how efficient it is. Of course, I mean you're on
open see you we're buying a million dollar yacht. But
I want to know that it's efficient, right, you want
to know where your money is going part of it? Um,
(14:11):
you're you're the one that's selling that. Yeah right, yeah
yeah do do do you too? Listen, that's gonna happen
to you if you keep opening your mouth about one
of the cops, one of the kids being an undercover. Okay, yeah,
I'm a I'm a compass model. Okay, goddamn cover. That's right.
(14:32):
So look, do do do I'll do three. Don't do
it back to me because I have bunts, So you
get your fucking mouth shut. Okay when you go home
to a favor punt your wife and the tits. He
but yeah, I was gonna draw with it. You don't
(14:55):
mind if I if I borrow that one. I just
I don't have a red one. It's just that the
turtles supposed to be green. It's the Collywood and amusing
is the problem? A kid? What's your name? Billy? Hey, Billy?
Anybody ever tell you're a bit whiny? No? No, whatever?
Wanna be the first? Your parents a line to your face?
(15:15):
Your mrp Henna drop off lunch from my boy. He's
gonna have at in this card in the sackret Hey, pop,
what's up? Are you doing? All right? Yeah? Yeah, you know,
I'm gona take some of these fucking bread so my again,
I like to rip off the heads and shut down
the next And what I'm saying, only a couple more years,
(15:38):
all right, once you get into the sixth grade with
these kids, Yeah, I know what I signed up for.
Well I get a rubbed my face. I'm just saying,
all right, it's a long haul. I'm with you, all right.
Donny Brasco, Donty Brasco, Donny Brasco, Don'ty Brasco, Donny Brasco.
All right, thanks for the secret. Mr HARPERA, what's up?
(15:59):
My My partner took my crayons that I was using it.
I don't think he's very familiar with the concept of sharing.
I'd like you to have a starch um. I don't
think it's what's your name, Billy. It's difficult to keep
all your names, Drake, so let's watch the attitude. Also
(16:21):
yeah yeah, great, super psyched to see you every day. Uh.
The lesson here we're gonna learn actually is stitches. Snitches
get stitches. So yep, so so maybe we don't rat
out someone who who needed to borrow your crayon. Oh yeah, okay,
Mrs Johnson, Um, just just just a minute, uh hello him,
(16:50):
Mrs Johnson. I'm I'm the chief of police. I'm the
one that punched you last week, and I'm here to
say two things. One, I'm sorry about that. Okay, I'm sorry.
The five borns were down my throat and I took
it out on you and I shouldn't have okay. And two,
we want to use your daughter. We need her to
(17:10):
go deep deep undercover. Turns out person we have undercover
now in her class, he's compromised. Is she here? Um? Yes.
And I just want to make this very clear that
I'm not doing this to help you. You know, I wouldn't.
I wouldn't help a man who punched me and each
(17:31):
tip Okay, I'm doing this because my daughter needs something
to activate her brain a little more. Right now. She's
a little bored in class, and she's at a level
in which that comes out in uh, disruptive behavior, when
really it's just that she's so smart, you know, um,
that she needs to rebel in that way. So I'm
(17:53):
going to do this for her, not for you. Open.
I understand that the problem is is that when you knocked,
I was in the middle of doing a big vapor
rub over the whole chest, and if I put the
rope over it, it's gonna ruin the rope. It's just
gonna get it. Oily, It's just gonna So I tried
(18:15):
to dry it, and so, you know, a long story short,
I sold it. I sold the gold platinum. So it
looks like I'll be able to meet my my bonus.
Thanks for the greens. You said you wanted to tell
me something funny. Yes, well, oh, nipples, nips just pumped
(18:40):
off going on. They just Oh, should have toughest dinners.
I told you we should have topples dinner. How else
am I going to get the vix to dry if
I can't do other things while it's trying? Oh my god, Okay, okay,
I can't stop to belth Jesus just like phone out.
Ok We're doing. Everybody enjoying. Nipples just got shot out.
(19:06):
Some free bread or something for that, I mean, God,
for fresh sake, please, a side of bread is two dollars,
but I'm happy to add it to your nipples just
got shot off in your restaurant. Man, you did sign
a waiver when you entered the restaurant. Um, I don't
really need a babysitter. Um, so you are going to
(19:29):
be here. You can just be here, but like, don't
look at me in the concept of being hired to
be a babysitter and then not babysitting. Just collect the check,
Just collect the check, you know. Do you want to
get that? Um? Yeah, well yeah, definitely. Okay, Hello, hey,
(19:57):
somebody order a picture, get a second, get the kids,
Get the kids right now because the kid famish shooting
job ever, all right, we can't get the kids. She's
too quick. I got knocked out. I think I'm are
(20:24):
you okay? Oh my god, what's just happened? Um? Mr
and Mrs Johnson, We just want to congratulate you on race.
Why can't you understand ship ship? This happens every time,
Chief we are here, though, the Johnson's are here in
(20:45):
the hall where the c Borns, Claiborns, Clayborns who kids
the ship. We should have taken my name. It was
easier to say, okay, so you're okay, so let's just
get my wife started. Name was quite Clayborne. I don't
need to get through that. So you're we're not related,
which we're not? Well, lad, who isn't though? Was a
(21:05):
human right? We're all Christian a complaint? No, we're not
all Christian first cousins. Isn't related? Isn't What do you mean, Chris?
Have you been baptized? Okay, so you're complaining that people
are paying baptized? No? Is this water for me? Yeah?
You been baptized Jesus. We were all born from Clay.
(21:28):
We are play your hands off, your hands off from Clay.
We're Clay. Use my name, you use my name? To
do that too, to too to you too, Johnson, That
is just seen one too to YouTube, to do to YouTube,
(21:55):
seen to come h from Will who wrote, Hey, gang,
I love the show. You guys are the best. Blah
blah blah. Kevin and Christier always talking about this Below
Deck show. I have no idea what this show is,
but I have gathered there is a boat, a chef,
and some sassy folks. My scene idea is an episode
of Below Deck is interrupted by a sea monster. Thanks
and keep up the good work, folks. Will. I'm just
(22:17):
so sick and tired of having to cover up for
this lackluster decand you know what I'm saying, either do
the job or don't. How did you get on this boat? Look,
I'm the chef, you know what I mean. So I
just I don't know who else to talk to. Okay, okay, yeah, no,
I'm with you. I'm with you. I mean, what would
you do in my shoes? I guess is what I'm asking? Fire? Fire, fire,
(22:40):
immediately fire. Oh well, captain at least. Yeah. See, I
always feel like Captain Lee is like, I'm not here
as a as a babysitter, and then so I don't
want to bring anything to him. Yeah, but you're also
not a babysitter here trying this exactly. That's good. Where
is that avocado? Avocado? Straight? Yeah? I didn't do anything
(23:02):
to it, so good. Captain. I need to tell you
that I've seen something in the water following us behind
for a good three or four days. Now, I believe
it's you. You've seen it for three or four days.
You're just telling me now, Well, I tell you it's
something that it's not easy to talk about. I believe
(23:23):
he's got the chin in face of an arts, the
wings of a dragon, and the body of a nine
foot man, and he's been a following us before, maybe three,
three or four days. Okay, well, next time you see
anything with even one of those horrible features, let me
know a meeting. Okay, who probably is I've I've had
(23:46):
I've had a tumble with him in the past. One
of the side effects is it's insanity. It's very possible
it's just my insanity. Well, look, hi, you we hope
you're enjoying your charter um as you know the chef
right before you. You can see I made um look
(24:06):
listen to me and my wife actually just got through
a pretty traumatic experience back home. We've had a nipple
replacement surgery and I actually sell these yachts to back
back only. I don't want to bribe, but if we can't,
just want to get started on our daughter. Good god,
we don't want to get started. Okay, it's just us
too here. We're out here just to kinna, you know,
rekindle the flame if you will. Just letting you know
(24:27):
the courses I'll be serving you tonight. Um. So first,
this year's avocado um raw, nothing done to it. Okay,
So that's less of a course and more of just
an avocado. Okay, they just open you just cut open
an avocado. Looks like you've done that too early. It's
already were way too nice with this chef. Look, I'm
the Primaries lawyer and I'm on this. Yeah, because he
(24:48):
owes me a lot of money. But in terms of
this order, you're breaking down for us. How about this
get back to the galley, do the cooking and service up.
I have a lot of money, so he has he
can just kind of do whatever he wants, right, So whoa,
(25:09):
don't look at that guy? Weird? That's what the chef
coming out and giving us the menu. You know, if
I wanted to go to Denny's, I would have gone
to Denny's. You guys paid a lot for this yat, Yeah,
tell me about it, don't. I'm gonna be bored enough.
Window well you excuse me, I'm sorry, who's just gonna
board these windows up? Thanks? The password is scurvy? I
(25:34):
supposed to me. I thought the whole point of this
certain excursion or or charter should we say, is that,
like the crew is hot. I thought the crew is hot. Yeah,
they're supposed to be hot because we're not. Yeah, it's
part of the thing. You pay for. I want to
be surrounded by hotness so that I feel prop SMI candy.
(25:58):
We're trying to rekindle our relationships, so you know, it's
anything to get that going. Why, why that's not the
This is not the kind of Uh. I feel like
we drove past that, captain. Captain part of me. May
I enter the bridge? Smission permission? Entered the bridge. You
(26:20):
don't need to do that. You don't need permission. Granted,
this isn't the military. Yes, I I um, I just
want to touch base quickly with you. The guests seemed
to be loving the food. They had a great beach
day today. Um. It seems that Angus is that his name? Yeah,
the the engineer. He's boarding up the windows. It's kind
(26:44):
of it's not as beautiful in there anymore. Okay, Uh,
I'm gonna love it with you, and I find a
way to keep don't do that. Find a way to
keep the secret from the passengers. Okay. We're being followed
by a sea creature with a knock puts his chin
and the body of a nine ft man. Okay. Does
(27:07):
it have wings, Yeah, like a dragon's wings, and it
has some sort of vindetta against Angus. Specifically, this boat
is energy efficient and can't go more than two knocks?
How many? How many? I have no idea. Come in,
Come in, the captain of the Argonautica, Come in. This
(27:30):
is a May Day May date Argonautica. This is uh, hello, yeah, Argonautica.
This is uh. What's the name of the ship? I
need to know this. This is amazing Argonica. I'm I'm
(27:50):
peeking over the side, h but I'm on the port side.
On the port side does not appear to be the
name is not on the port side, going over the starboard,
going over the starboard, peeking outside. Uh, this is the
USS convoy. This is well, I didn't think it was,
(28:13):
but apparently it is. I think it's a it's a
requisitioned military yacht. It's an energy fishing military yacht. But
we're we're complete, we're civilians here. What what do you
got aeronautics? What's the mileage? It's not good. It's not good.
It's like two nuts. But it says I'm fueled. It
(28:33):
really does. Uh. Okay, And for your second course, um
it is this is a coconut. This is a raw,
fresh coconut. And I'm so sorry. I'm still waiting for
that first course as you just kind of gave us
each half of a rotten avocado. Am I supposed to
(28:55):
be peeling the husk off of this coconut myself? If so,
please give me a hammer. Okay, we didn't pay this
much to peel a husk. Okay, we're trying to rekindle
our marriage. We're trying to peel that husk. Okay, we're
trying to peel the marriage husk. Okay, and and and
and and show the mar and show that meat, that
(29:18):
marriage meat. Yeah, the inside of the nut. You know
what I'm saying. And chef, I've seen the show. You
know you do great work. So thank you. Why are
you doing everything you can to deliver uncooked, unprepared things?
Thank you? And you're a master. You have a tough
day or something? Tough day? Were like a tough life?
(29:39):
Keep going. You know you're you're in front of people
who paid sixty dollars for a couple of days, so
by all means, share with sixt grade each I did?
I got this? Okay? Do you ever think maybe as
a chef somebody might serve your needs? Yes, your knees.
(30:04):
Nobody serves my name Aaronaica. Come in, Aeronautica. Come in?
Is your Aeronautica? Boy, this is the Aeronautica. How can
I help you? Yes, you called me with a may
day call. No, oh, you're talking with the Argo Nautica. Yes,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Where are you Aeronautica. Oh I'm
I'm at Port so the Less. Yeah. Okay, do you
(30:37):
master Crulu. I know you come from the deep depth
of infinite space, but I must ask you to leave
the ship, leave this vessel. No, can't do you owe me?
All right? Well, then I'm gonna have to ask you
to at least to dress nicely. A lot of people
paid a lot of money, and I want you to blend. Fine,
(30:58):
you might have your revenge. Huh. Do you have clothes
for me? Okay, you just stay out here and don't
talk to anyone. I'll bring you a suit. Okay, excuse me,
excuse me. I'm angus. I work. I do a lot
of the maintenance on the ship, and I helped with
(31:21):
the little tidy things on the ship. I'm looking for
an extra suit so I can blend in a little
bit more because this year maintenance outfit makes me feel
out of place, Angus, I got all kinds of suits
you want, a bathing suit or a proper evening suit. Tuxedo,
black tuxedo, Yeah, I brought one of those. I just
have a real quick question for you, Angus. Is it Uh? Yeah.
(31:45):
I'm a big fan of the television show that does
these yacht excursions. And from what I've seen, the engineers
day the funk out of the picture. Well, don't tell anyone.
Usually it's the case being being hunted by a prehistoric
(32:05):
alien named He's having Argonautica. Come in, Argonautica, the Argonautica.
Maybe maybe how can I help? How can I help Argonautica?
Save yourself? Save yourself? Should we? We are a slow,
(32:26):
slow yacht. Whatever attacked us moved on. It devoured everybody.
I mean, okay, not everybody, but I'm so sorry I've
(32:46):
yet to see you on this yacht. I'm one of
the people that paid to be here. Oh this is Johnson.
Nice to meet you. I'm I'm scout this vessel to
see maybe I might want to charge it next next,
next round. Honestly, was the way that you look? You
(33:07):
could work here? Oh? Please, please you? I opened up
the coconuts. Hello, Oh you need help with those coconuts. No,
I already opened up. You know what, Johnson? Is it right?
You just drink the milk, open your mouth. Okay, okay, Hey,
(33:29):
how are you doing? Nice to meet you? Meet you too.
M h. I just swallowed your husband and I but
maybe maybe yeah into it. I don't know. Are you
feeling that I'm feeling this? I just I didn't think so.
(33:50):
I was a surprise for me. I had to digest it.
But then when I did, I got I gotta be
honest with you. See this suit? Oh my god. Actually
I actually have dragon wings and the chain of an octopus.
I can tell. And it's really something, you know, something luscious,
And I'm feeling stay back, monster? What kind of monster
(34:17):
put gives her daughter away to go undercover in a
kindergarten class ware? Did you do that? Listen? I didn't
give her away. I gave her well, I gave her
a way to manage her hyperactivity. I'm gonna get your
husband back. I'm gonna get your husband back. First of all,
(34:37):
thank you both for coming in. Very brave, very brave.
This will be the first of looks like you're down
for eight sessions of marriage. Counseling. Um so, Mrs Johnson, Um,
I understand your real estate broker and you, sir, I'm
gonna say r A C monster. Is that correct? Yes?
(35:03):
I do want to see it for the record. Her
husband is alive inside me, so that I saw that
in the notes. Um So, how shall I address you?
What's your name? Tim? Okay, call me Jim. No weird
but cool? All right? Uh So, the clad borns by
(35:25):
the way where we have the one o'clock session, We're
supposed to be in there. We're not supposed to be
in here, so please talk to the receptionist. Thank you.
We did talk to her and she's been baptized. Thank
you very much. Have you been baptized? I'm Jewish, so
it's probably not gonna happen. You gotta get baptized. What
(35:46):
about you, sir with the distinct chin? Oh no, no,
I I haven't been baptized. You have an octopus's chin,
which is to say, no chin at all, octopus chin.
What does that mean? Yeah, that's angers angers. I thought
we were good. What are you doing at my house?
I've got my family and I just wanted we are good,
(36:09):
and I wonder if maybe we can be better. Better.
I mean, if I never have to look at your
nightmarish face again, I'd be the happiest, not a sailor anymore.
I don't know what you're going back to see. Don't
look at the look. I'm in love with Mrs Johnson. Okay,
(36:34):
but she's married and he's inside. Oh that's what. That's
why I'm here. It's weird. It's weird for everybody. Mr Johnson.
Do you want to say anything? No? It sounds like no.
It sounds like no, and that's part of the problem.
(36:54):
It's a love trying. I need your help, Biop. But
I've only known love once, and it brought me a son.
I don't know what more love beautiful? Oh, thank you,
thank you. Uh, maybe you can kill me? Well, I
take this, take this man out of my body and
(37:15):
let him go back to his wife. I've tried many
of times to kill you, lu But I suppose if
you would come inside and maybe lie in a vulnerable position,
I could maybe split you open. And are you sure
you want to do this? Well? They always say the
son of your enemy will be the death of you. Dad, mom,
(37:36):
said the saladist. Sir. Uh, hey son, who's this guy, Dad,
This is Louisa. He's an ancient god from the alien world.
I believe that maybe are you gonna have or not?
Don't come over here? Oh no, no, no, no, what
(37:57):
Why don't you just is this a friend of your
from work? No, he's not a friend. He's an ancient enemy. Well,
why don't we have him in for dinner? Come on in.
Maybe it's time we break bread and stop having enemies
and more like friends. I like that very much. All right,
all right, we'd like to before dinner. You're just serving bananas,
(38:26):
trading for your tapioca, just kidding. You're under our arrest.
Put your hand up and that is that has seen too? Uh? God,
damn hot, damn. James's reaction to the creature telling him
that he had Mr Johnson inside of him. You're gonna
(38:49):
have to roll back the tape. But I promise you
it's the worth worth the price of it. It was
I haven't Mr Johnson inside of me? And James went, huh.
Scene three comes from Patrin Alca Mania Kevin Prod who
(39:09):
wrote Alca Maestros. I'll keep it short. I have a
scene suggestion based on a story James half told on
his Twitch live stream. Rival gangs of improvisers battle with
each other for the control of different theaters in town.
Signed swan drizzle Okay, Uh, if we're done with our
(39:38):
yes ends for now, I just want to go over
to turf war that's raging outside this door. Uh. If
anyone has any questions glory those first? Yep, maybe we
could play. We could discuss this turf war in the
question schame. Yep, that would be most productive. You want
(39:58):
to kick that off there? Sure? Where exactly do you
think your turf begins? Nice? Anybody? Well? I mean we're
supposed to only respond with questions. That's not a question.
He loses a point for explaining what it was. Are
you trying to tell us what the questions game is?
(40:18):
That's a question? Ship? Am I? You didn't do a
question there either. Listen, listen, listen. Am I the only
one asking questions here? There's another question? I haven't heard
anyone else. I don't think ask a question ship, it's
a statement. Look, let's get something straight. Oh boy, we're
the no butts. That's right? Are we the no butts
(40:42):
playing the game? See the note butts? We uh, we
don't play by the fucking rules, you understand, Except for Carl.
He's a real theater sport. Am I the best improviser here.
It's kind of a bummer for us, to be honest,
but he's quick on his toes. We gotta settle this
once and for all. Okay, would you like to do that?
(41:09):
How do we do some long for a scene of
Have we ever done a scene longer than thirty seconds? Carl?
Carl chief starting interrupt. Um just got a report on
the improv turf war going down right out right down
to downtown, right off downtown downtown. Um, yeah, uh, nobody cares.
(41:36):
There's a lot improvisers dead, but it doesn't seem like
the community really gives a ship if you like, they're
all about it. We get a lot of pressure from
from the mayor to keep it going. Uh, so, to
keep the improv war going. Yeah, apparently the mayor says
the less the better. I don't know. Well, I think
maybe you should try to get us into the mayor's
office so we could talk to him. You're the chief
(41:58):
of police. Why what with the so I should just
give him a call. I don't know. I love the
mayor's office, all right, this is the chief of Police.
I'm calling in regards Chicago. Okay, Chicago, Oh, thank god,
(42:19):
thank god. I was told that there was an improv
bottle going on downtown. I figured that was odd. In
the first improv battle, if battle improper battle going on down,
I was gonna ask what his imp bottle is. Well,
I guess it's one you just kind of make with
your hand to pretend that it's there. That would be
an improp sure, sure, But I don't know why they're
(42:40):
battling downtown. I think that the turf wars are typically
done towards the north end. Okay, so you want to
set up a meeting with the mayor. Oh Ship, this
isn't the mayor. I'm not even on the phone with
the mayor right now. I don't know who. Do you
think the mayor? Answers the phone and says Mayor's office. Oh, Ship,
But I'm I'm flatter you think I'm the mayor, Susan.
(43:07):
I don't care that somebody thought you were the fucking mayor.
Just order. I mean I was talking for like five minutes.
The whole time. I guess he thought I was the mayor.
But you're not, and you never will be. Susan, you
never will be Okay, you're an assistant. Look, I'm closer
to the mayor than of Chicago. Alright, who got the
(43:29):
deep dish? I'm just kidding here you go? Alright, let mhm,
what was the joke. It's just it's a big pie.
It's a thick, deep pie. What do you do? You
a funny person? I do it? Pro Can I get
a suggestion of a tip? I'm just kidding. I'm sure
(43:51):
that will be included. What side you repon? Excuse what
side you repon? I don't reb anybody, but if there's
a side, I'd say, good day, go to fucking hell.
I be the no butts. Alright, guys, I know that
you don't like me to talk that much, but I
(44:13):
really think that I could be an asset in this war.
Just send me over there, Bill bulldoze me. It'll be
a distraction and then you guys can go in. Come on.
I don't even hear you right now. I mean, that's
that's where we're at. I don't even hear this suggestion.
Don't worry. They will barely let me get a word in.
Just let me get in there. It's for you. It's
(44:36):
I have to recruit more white straight men. Do you understand? Okay,
the rosters are running thing, minderstand listen. I'm wearing my
baggy is clothes. I've got no makeup on. In fact,
I put on a little makeup under my eyes to
make me look hired. I'm trying to look as ugly
as I can't. But I don't distract you guys from
(44:57):
how unfunny I am. I mean, let's get real. I
couldn't possibly beat, but I'm not sure to be fun
you look even funnier, so just let me be talked over.
But you don't get this ignorance and toxic masculinity. It
seemed into the soil of this town. All right? Okay? Fine? Um?
(45:18):
What if what if you do like like a group
like an organic group scene, and you guys just lift?
How about this? How about you cut because you're strong?
You're cut? What am I interrupting? Anything? Not? Really? Are
we still playing the game? Has anybody not noticed? Does
anybody not care that Carl can't stop the question? Gate? Like?
(45:45):
You should just try stand up or sketch or I
don't know, do a one person show or whatever. You
don't understand, I'm really Bianca. Your vocal cords are cut.
I can't hear you. I'd like to tell you need
to answer for her. Oh maybe I don't need to, sir, No,
you don't. You need to get the funk out of
Are you sure to have a man to okay suck
(46:09):
out of here? Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay. Sorry
I was choking up. It was just a little bit emotional.
And that's my biggest problem. I can't I can't just
stand up. I get too emotional and I can't do
for me. Hey, can I sit here? Yes? Of course
(46:31):
you can join our conversation. Oh, I'm not gonna pick
up your ticks. Hold on a second. You don't have
to always say yes. And but that's what I'm good at,
kind of. You're good at so many things. You got
a carpentry, You're good taekwondo. I'm good at being a lawyer.
(46:53):
I'm gonna I'm gonna pitch one idea I know you
don't know me, and then I'll be on my way up.
All right, how about this? How would I charge you
with fee? That's a little much for two hours of
rehearsal every week? Okay, I'll be your coach say, Um,
it'll feel like it's not worth it, but I will
keep reinforcing your bad habits and making you need it
feel like you need to come back to me, and
(47:14):
then eventually you're talking about an abusive relationship that she
has to pay for. I think we're good. Okay, I
gotta go, Thank you. Bye. Here's a thing I already doctor.
Can I get a diagnosis? Yeah? Sure, you know it's
something wrong with me. It seems like every week with
this uh you can buy and ask these questions? Why
(47:36):
can I not stop asking questions? Because you gotta want it?
As I explained last time, you have to want to
stop asking questions. There's no outside force that can help
you stop. Do you have any exercises I can do? Yep?
Repeat after me. Hey, those are nice looking pants. Can
you speak up a little bit? Carl, father's in here.
(48:01):
Umlug on him. Sorry, let me just turn off this
audio recording doing an audio tutorial and pantsling? Was that
my therapy session? I don't know. Carl, your father's in there.
If you want to say some last words were about
is it going to die? He's about to die? Yeah,
we're about to pull the plug. So if you'd like
(48:21):
to go in there and just say something. Does he
know who I am? Yes? Yes? Oh? Dad? Do you
remember Carl? Your son? Is that you? Carl? Why won't
you come to my show? Where have you been? Are
(48:45):
you feeling all right? Boo boo oh, we didn't have
to pull the plug. Okay, good, good, good good? Alright, Carl?
Can I get his first? Will effect? We'd like to
keep them? Hey, what's up dude? You seem you're new here,
(49:06):
right You kind of look like a chick, but you're
wearing a hat, so you've got to be a guy. Definitely, guy.
I'm hold on one second. Falls they hurt me, so
I have to hold on to finger off my butt
because my falls hurt so bad. To tell me about it?
(49:27):
Do that all the time. Yeah, so you're here for
the impromt. Dude? It was at the flannel shirtar Yeah,
it's a flannel shirt and they and the the stubble
around your face, that kind of fashion beard thing that's
not a full beer and like no product in my hair.
(49:47):
Just kind of, what's up? What did you say? It
doesn't matter. Look, look, this is not just any improv team.
We're going to battle tonight to the death. I can
do that for sure. I'm very good at battling. The
only thing it gets in my way is my big
swinging dick. My dick sometimes so bigthetic swings and it
(50:09):
hits me, and that that hurts me because it hits
me right and the kids, and then I have trouble
recouping from that. That's kind of the only trouble I
have battling that big old thick so big you're really
love it though. They hop on, hop on take it.
(50:32):
They take it for a ride and they say thank
you and the whole time, and I'm like, you're welcome,
You're welcome, You're welcome, And they're like, damn, Carl, I'm
so sorry I started that game. I feel really awful.
What are you doing to me? It's not me, it's
short form. I think you got to go to the
(50:53):
other gang. I don't want to have to fight you,
but I think you got to go to the long
form gang. Do you know my father died? That's our
show the question, Poor Carl, such devotion. Let's thank all
of our alchemists, starting with Jackie d Ruthie, thank you
(51:16):
so much, and congrats on your pain and wall thank you.
What color is that is not like a teal? Yeah,
I think it's like a deal. We picked it from
they mixed it so it doesn't even have a name. Well,
please give a name before we see you next. Yeah,
no pressure, uh Zara, your Instagram account is where folks
(51:38):
should go a surgeon. I'm not Jackie Druthy and I
think it's a good time. Okay, cool. Well you have
provided one here today. So thank you, thank you, thank you. Yeah,
Chris av Verando, thank you, buddy. Oh, thank you for
having me. Um still sending folks over to at the
Comedy Fix on Instagram. Right, new podcast with the Comedy
(52:01):
Fix Well Loves Loves Well said, thank you, James z Eni,
thank you so much for being here. Thank you for
thanking me. I'd like to thank somebody that I believe
we all probably know. The name of the five star
review was titled danger piss your Pants Funny. Everyone that
(52:21):
listen says they almost kill themselves laughing while driving. Be
careful out there. And that's from McCoy, can't well. We
love McCoy. Yes, um, so thank you McCoy for the review.
It's actually super helpful getting the word out and spreading
Alchemy this to everybody. So that's what I'd like to say,
thank you for it does help a lot, and we
(52:41):
don't pimp it enough, so thank you very much. We're
acting on your own damn it. Craig Kowski, thank you.
As always. I've been avoiding watching below Deck, but now
that I know, I will definitely and uh follow me
on Instagram see Kikowski. I'll be doing a five hour
(53:01):
questions game on Instagram live. Can't wait for that? Do
you have a date yet for that one? Uh? February?
That's right, can't wait. Joey German. Um, I'm gonna be
guesting on that live, so please please check it out.
Oh I am right, I am a check out Alchemy.
(53:27):
This is INSTI uh and um that's it. Have fun, live, live,
love laugh. Oh no, let's let's walk that one back
just for a second if we could. Uh, and let's
thank our producer and engineer to the stars, Mr Dubine. Fine, folks,
that I heard media. I'm your host, Kevin Pollock, thanking
(53:51):
you all for h for supporting us and uh enjoying
ourselves at our behest. Um, it's incredibly great to be back. Uh,
and I will be back next week as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I want to thank Cole Stratton for guest hosting in
my absence. He is incredibly talented and helpful and it's
(54:13):
just a real uh positive for me to be able
to leave the show in such capable hands, and so
I wanted to take a moment to thank him. Um,
let's be kind to each other out there, folks, please,
it is the absolute least you can do for yourself
is to be kind to others. Until next time, it's
(55:02):
set a football for Pepper for home
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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