May 28, 2020 • 43 mins
Lead actor of a show is so disliked that they sabotage him during the show.
Antiques roadshow cops.
Nudist beach catastrophe.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode COVID. I'm your host, Kevin
pol Kiss that well, if you do talk to Pickleman,
please tell him no, I can't make the payment again
this month. And also meet a dick. Let's meet rowing this,
(00:23):
shall we in a particular to please say hello to
Craik Atkowski Kacao, which have become your favorite shoes? I'm
looking at them. They're They're a classic Adidas shell. To
sure that's your everyday walking around shoe. Yeah. I already
burned out one pair of shoes about five weeks of
(00:47):
quarantine to ruin the first one. So I went deeper
into the closet. Nice, bring the toys. It's Carla Katkowski, Carla, Carla,
you can if you could ask Joey Greer one question,
what would it be? What flavor toothpaste do you prefer?
(01:09):
Do I do? I answer? I hope? So? No, No,
you don't just asking your what a question? Jesus christ Man?
What the heck? It's christ aparado? Mr Man. What's the
latest thing you kids are watching? Um? Normal People on Hulu? Yeah?
(01:29):
I read the Sally Rooney novel. I loved it and
I loved the show. So cool so cool. Keep the
car running. Here comes James Heeney Dark Knight. Heen How
are you getting your exercise? How am I getting my exercise? Well,
I walk on the boardwalk. I sometimes jog, but uh,
(01:52):
it's it's I live in an area that's highly populated,
so it's kind of hard to go anywhere and exercise.
But yeah, I would say it's running along the Venice
Beach boardwalk. Fantastic. I would love video of that, by
the way, if you could ever please, I just want
proof of one time. It's just there. It's just so
bad out there, like there are people with no math.
But you can do it early. Yeah, wait a minute, Yeah,
(02:22):
I'm not buying any last but get used to the
taste of shoe leather. If you think of Lisa's Joey Greer. Where, dude,
what's it smell like these days? You know what smells like?
My favorite flavor of toothpaste, which is orange orange hot dog.
So it's so you're gonna lie down, let's do a
(02:45):
damn show. Almost all of our scene suggestions you got
it from either Patron V I P. S or your
listen to emails. If you'd like to submit yours, please
right to the podcast. Your name here at alchemy this
dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this dot com.
See you number one? If that comes from Charlie listener
Charlie who wrote high Kevin, my suggestion, James Ny and
the rest of the Alchemists play themselves in just kidding. Sorry,
(03:09):
my actual suggestion. It was very funny. Charlie, the lead
actor of a show is so disliked by his fellow
cast members that they attempt to sabotage him during the show.
Thank you all as always, you're making Quarantine time much
funnier and it's greatly appreciated. Charlie. When time is he do?
(03:29):
And what was his call to? Just like everybody else's
and he should be here already, all right, And and Janice,
what was your suggestion that we do when he gets her?
I think we should prank him, right, yeah, I mean general, yeah,
I said, I mean that's what happened right before you
said your other line, as I said, let's prank him.
(03:53):
That's exactly right. Yes, I'm just afraid that if we
prank him at the top of the day, it's gonna
we're gonna lose another day one. If we've lost so
many already. Who gives a ship? I'm sorry, I'm sorry
to jump in here. I'm sorry to jump in here,
but Tim, we love it when you jump in. I
think this is too much, too much, Okay, Tim, I
was being facetious. Ye when you jump in? Oh gee,
(04:18):
what the fund is your problem? Man? Okay? Problem? Okay,
he's not apparently the biggest problem. We've got to be
a you to fight front here. Wait. Wait, we can't
start attacking Tim, stop. Yeah, look we gotta we just
need to focus up here. Okay, marn Wait were you
getting my back there? For a second? I think I
had I thought I had your back, and I am spinning.
(04:40):
I am sorry, I am sorry. I understand if this
is called the Barvin mckun show, who is Jingle Dick
to walk in every day in sabotage the show because
it's not his? They told me that I had to
bring a YouTube personality on the kids. The kids weren't
to watch it unless Jingle Dick joined the cast. Have
(05:03):
you seen it's? Really that's not really what j D
stands for? Is it? Completely and utterly? Seven million views minimum?
Every body scene? I mean, he doesn't even need to
come out, clean your butt, kiss your mom? What's up?
(05:24):
Just doing videos? But okay, well here's where the live
stream ends, and now we we we shoot our show,
Shoot the show, shoot the show. Okay, grub Paul, clean
your butt in, kiss your mom's he's oh, he knows
his name. Don't say stuff. You know it's four o'clock
(05:47):
in the afternoon. All right, we've lost a lot of
shoot time. Why don't we just time? I know it's
four in the afternoon right now. So what's going on here?
Jingle Dick you let's jd You have a little bit
of white stuff on your I was crushing Tom's like
(06:08):
a motherfucker this morning. Okay, Toms of Maine, Toms? What
is your favorite favorite flavor of Toms of Maine toothpaste? J?
Orange flavor? Hot dog. I don't think that's a I
don't as crazy. J. What's with all the questions? What? Yes?
(06:31):
Talk to me? A lot of times you use like
fart noises this punctuation to what you're saying. Where did
you pick that up? Good question? Good question? Where do
I get my ideas? Is what you're asking? My genius
is what you're asking. I guess it's something I was
born with, you know, and something I've worked on to
(06:52):
hone this crap, don't uh you know, so stop asking
me questions and let's roll action. He has a mental disorder.
He has a mental disorder. Okay, everyone right, can we
rehearse please? Okay? All right, everybody about to do a
live rehearsal right now, so check me out. I'll keep
(07:13):
my kimps. Okay, don't don't live stream this, please. You
don't need to document every aspect of your life. Aren't
ignore him if you can. Let's just line up everyone.
We're gonna rehearse. Sing three on Janis's line, Jannis, start
us off, please. I rang the bell twice, Marvin Well,
(07:34):
DJ should be here. Well, don't forget to wipe your
butts and kiss your mom. Jesus Christ, he's not even
paying attention. It's his fucking line, all right. Cut. I'm sorry,
but he didn't answer the goddamn door. Tim, Tim, Tim,
I'm sorry. He was live streaming on set, right and
(07:55):
we all saw that. So if we're gonna get through
today's for we've really got to start and not stop
j D. We're good to go. Yep, Yes, Tim, I'm sorry, buddy,
but we're not going to be renewing your contract, my contract. Yeah,
I'm sorry. We've just had a lot of hiccups with
(08:16):
production and a lot of people just your name has
been thrown around a lot, so we're not gonna be
able to I haven't done anything except support, like working
hard and getting seemed shot well to the plot. How
are you gonna explain me? Gone, easy, it's unheard at all.
We'll say that you got sucked up in a time
vortex and that grumblings live inside your stomach and that's
(08:38):
why you can't be around the Marvin's house. But this
is not a sci fi Excuse me? Is anybody have
a Honda with a bumper sticker? It says working hard
and getting scene shot it right now? Wait, but I'm
parked in the actor's parking lot. I'm just passing on
the news, buddy. Yeah. Look, I'm sorry, buddy. Okay, I
gotta told this thing. You know, I'm an actor on
(09:01):
I'm an actor in the in this project, Buddy, I
don't know, all right. They just tell me to lift
the car up. I lift the car up, all right?
Who who told you to do that? The studio did alright, yeah, okay,
how much do I gotta give you to just drop
the cart? Grand? Grand? You gonna tell this car? Oh?
(09:25):
Thank god you're here. Uh wait, what did you say? Damn,
we're gonna tell your car yet again? Off my studio.
No no, no, no, no no, no, no no no no no,
I I was, I mean not anymore, but as of
today I was. That's the same. Please, I'm losing my
job here and you're towing my car. Oh hey, Marvin, yeah,
(09:48):
come on in, come on into my trailler, my trailer.
I've been asked to talk to you by the rest
of the cast. Okay, hey, you want a rebel? Uh?
Is it an actual bull? You're crazy, man, You're crazy?
Now am I talking? Am I talking to j D
the actor? Or DJ the character? Right now? You choose
(10:11):
your choice. Look, I put my heart and soul into
untitled Marvin MQ project. And I know I know that
we're you know, we're only halfway through the first season.
It's not out there in the world yet, but I
(10:32):
have a feeling it's really going to resonate with a
lot of people. And you reminded me of a young
actor that I once worked with named James Dean oh
j D. Well, I just noticed the parallel now, but yeah,
there you go. I mean James and Dean were more
normal names than Jingle and Dick. But I don't know, man. Okay,
(10:57):
so I'm going to give you two thousand dollars if
he will just tow j D's trailer. Yeah, is how
you do? Right? You just so? Yeah? So he has
to be in it though. Look, I mean I can
throw it on the hitch right now and get it
going on a lot of times, so regardless of anyone's
and there were not Okay, I could do it right now.
I already locked the door so he can't get out,
(11:20):
all right, good, all right, lots of fire eyes. Let's
get it going. Look, Marvin, are you familiar with the
words two point four million US errors? I think those
are numbers, so you are Look, the show was going
to be a hit, my boy. Don't worry about it. Okay.
As soon as people know I'm in it, you rule
(11:42):
game over. Tim, I'm sorry you haven't paid rent. I well,
you know what, it's the first today, so I'm sure
that if you just refresh the browser, it's gonna be
in there pretty soon. So okay, Well, I'm doing it
on my phone. I don't see anything. Tim I'm sorry, Yeah, well,
I mean, don't you have to give it a viction notice.
(12:03):
You can't just take my stuff out of my apartment
like this. Um, I'm sorry. I just I already signed
the lease for this place. Um. I'm a little accused. Yeah,
but how but how did you know that I wasn't
gonna I only today? Am I what? You have a
whole moving truck here, Jimmy, Timmy, Timmy boyd, you'r agent here?
(12:27):
Thank god, you've called some woman just moved into my apartment.
I've evicted my car's toad. Give me some good news,
all right, I've got bad news and I've got worst news.
Ship ship ship, Give me the bad news. First, we're
dropping you. What the worst news? Oh god, I don't.
I don't think I can handle the worst. You're never
(12:47):
gonna work in this town again. Man, everyone knows what
you're a goddamn com me. Hey, hey, Timmy, it's your
dad or I guess I should say the man you
thought was your dad. I've already spoiled the surprise. Just
(13:08):
is that mom behind you? What your father needs to say?
These words? Oh? Thanks? Da. What were you saying? Um, sir,
here is uh size medium? But I think that you're
actually a large, So yeah, I can just kind of
eyeball these things. You're you're much bigger than a medium. Well,
(13:31):
why didn't I just try it on and see if
it fits? Okay, I'm trying to do nice customer service here,
but you're too fat for a medium? Okay, I'm sorry?
Is everything okay, Claire? I just want to try these
pants really quick. So you're too fat for those parents?
You're not going to listen? I met so JD. Are
(13:52):
you going to get your act together? Yeah? I think so?
Would it would it help if I told you that
we got rid of Tim? Who's Tim? Exactly? Okay? Hey listen, Um,
do you think he'll be dying soon? That's kind of weird, right,
do you think do you think I'll be dying? Yeah?
(14:14):
Do you think he'll be dying soon? It isn't that
weird that you're so close to death. Look, I've been
close to death for forty years. Pal. Hey, you know
I once jumped over a moving a moving Porsche. Okay, well,
I'll see you on the set. Hold on, hold on,
something's happening here. The trailer seems to be moving. My man,
(14:37):
Oh boy, oh Dan's break boom. Come on, Marvin, I
don't know that song on everybody? Why oh why would
they send Marvin to go talk to j D and Pride?
(14:59):
Nobody know? Come on, we all loved him. He seems
to be done everywhere and his family from Brian, who
wrote my name is Brian, loved the show and was
(15:19):
delighted when you read out. My younger brother, Julian suggested
after I had introduced him to alchemy this. I was
recently rewatching Community and reading Arkell's about the show when
I saw a character named Officer Kakavski. Having never made
the voice and face connection, it finally dawned on me
(15:41):
that it was, in fact Craig Kakowsky. I always enjoyed
the character, and especially one scene where he appraises a
brick as a piece of classic Americana. You remember that one, Greg,
you remember being funny and entertaining. I mean, that's my
whole life. Uh, get all blurred together? Oh goodness? Any
(16:06):
Brian follows this up with a scene suggestion, which is
antiques road show cops. Thank you, Brian. Alright, so what
we got here is a uh that's shiny logan vire
and uh looking if you look on the other side
(16:27):
of it, here, you're gonna see str right. What's the
story of those initials? Dear Pat? Yeah, let me get
to it, all right? Sure, sure, I bring these things
up to talk about it. I'm not just bringing them
up just to bring them up, all right. Well, you
never know until it happens. Go ahead, you know. Can
we cut the cameras for a second. Get against against
the wall real quick, right? Spread? Pat? What's you're being
a little suspicious? Here? Spread your lags here? All right? Oh,
(16:50):
that's my as Okay, let's see what you got in there? Hut? Oh?
What is the hip block bag? Hunt? Take your time?
Why don't you yellow niplock bag in your buttle? What
is this? That's my prison purse? All right? Well put
it right back in there? Can we go? All right? Here?
You got idea on you ide you know me? Yeah?
(17:10):
I know your buddy, but I'm gonna need to know
you know you? All right? Pop that idea out? Yeah,
been inside me. I don't know how I know another
fello any better than that. Here we go. Let's take
a look at this year al right, says you're six five.
Well I was yeah, yeah, alright, you're more like six
ft right. It's a lie, you know what. Al Right,
(17:32):
I'll check on. Let's go back over to the pointy here. Okay, Um,
do you know why I pulled you over? I imagine
just what she just wanted you. Okay, he just whenever
he answers questions that you know are he's not great
at answering questions officer, specifically from authority figures. So it's
(17:56):
probably blessed if you talk to her. Okay, I get
the registration, please, here you go. You can take mine. Okay,
even though I wasn't driving, that's fun. Do you have
any idea why I pulled you over? Um? I think
you pulled us over because my husband ran a red light.
(18:17):
I caught a yellow light. No, no, that's not why
I pulled you over, because I'm not sure you two
know the value of this. Yeah. I didn't even realize
it was an eight four. It's an eight four. Listen.
I have an authority problem, so I don't think that
I really want to hear you tell me what this
(18:39):
car is worth. But well, listen, I am the authority
figure here, so I will tell you what it's worth
now in this condition, this condition. Tell me how many
miles are on the dometer there? Please? And twenty. But
that's just it's been really well maintained. It's probably motto
on an eight four dots in. It's a lot of miles.
(19:00):
We've taken good care of it. Don't shake your fucking finger. Now,
I'll do the talking. You know what, Let's just change seats.
Let's just switch seats here. We'll just mix up the
dynamic a little bit. Okay, you don't run so hard, sorry, buddy. Okay, Now,
(19:20):
if I were to get this into yeah, have you
checked that the dots on it for rust? I'm on
it right now, Luke, all right, let me get my
get up my dick. Okay. Uh Now, if I had
to wield this dots and into auction right now, can
(19:41):
you know as is as the way I'm looking at
it right now, May officer, please don't the way I'm
thinking I have to do this right now, I'd say
this car is estimated at a hundred and forty five
thou dollar. Are you joking? Holy shit, I haven't expected it.
This is just through the eyes and I have to
(20:03):
be the one to tell you this, but it means
a lot to me. It was given to me by
my grandmother. Okay, I see what you mean. Yeah, the
grunting is that you have to do it. Get it now, dispact?
Wait is this? Yeah? Yeah, make sure you don't overvalue
(20:23):
the camp. Are you listening in on my pull over here? Okay,
this just seems weird telling you that we could get
several cars, and we'll remember your grandma was all three
of them. I really loved her a lot, and this
is the only thing she left. We're going to go
(20:45):
a lot to me. I hear what you're saying. Okay, folks,
upon further inspection, No, I looked underneath the bumper. I
do see some uh some rust, little rust here. That's
not possible. That's not possible. Bullshit, this is bullshit. He
probably planted that rust. Dot Are you a crooked cop? Officer?
(21:05):
Are you a crooked cop? I'm sorry, we should switch back.
I am fucking furious. I heard. I heard you have
a chest camera. So if you're trying to do something
shady here, we could get h you know that footage? Yeah, okay,
that's true, and that that that that's true. Let's listen. Listen,
but what people who are crooked here are YouTube? Okay,
(21:27):
you two are driving around this in a slight scoliosis issue,
but that's it. Okay, it's nothing beyond that. And please
don't call me crooked. It's really all right. Listen right now.
Based on what I found, if I had a roll
thisst into auction, I'd say this is worth o god,
(21:47):
that's nearly half of what it just fucking said. Racket.
Here's a racket. I'm dying, so I'm gonna have to
give you a ticket. Wait at or you signed this place.
I'm not even in a driver's seat, you can. This
is the passengers. This is a passenger. Yeah, pardon me, office,
(22:08):
saw you were talking to these folks, high folks. What's
oh my cop? I need to say to me? Oh man,
what do you need to say? I was just gonna
make an offer on the car. No, he's not. So
(22:30):
you sold the Dutch and that I gave you. Grandma,
I'm so sorry. I um, I was kind of talking
to the families since ninety five. He was a crooked cop,
violent crooked cop, but we got a lot of money
for it. Grandma, keep talking to them. Keep talking to them.
We need to get the actual act on audio. I
(22:52):
don't know how this works. Keep talking. What do you
mean you don't know how this work? I didn't say
how am I supposed to know? Do you mean, grandma?
I didn't say anything. What can you tell me how
these wires work? Wait, grandma, I don't need to see
her undergarments? Come on? This is that a hard monitor?
(23:15):
Are you wearing a heart monitor? Oh? My god, she's wired.
Your grandma's sucking wired. She doesn't know that you're in
my ear? What? Oh god? Are you there? I was shot?
(23:37):
I was shot. I'm kind of still here, but it
feels like it's slipping away. Okay, well, okay, nurses just
coming here for a second. Here at Valley Oaks, we
have had another assassination on one of our residents on
(23:58):
this week. Man, that's I know. It's getting wild. It's
getting pretty crazy. So huh, all right? It was you?
What I think it was you? You just said it.
It made it seem like absolutely it was you. Oh
I meant to say, I didn't kill that person. Yeah,
why would you say that? Who? Who? Who assumed? Asking? Oh?
(24:21):
The craziest thing though, is that a lot of these
residents around machines. They really could just be unplugged. But
somebody is coming in and gangland style assassinating that. I
don't know. I mean, the only connection I can make
at this now, granted I'm not a detective, is that
each one of them has a valuable object that has
been appraised by local and there is that odd connection.
(24:42):
Should we get involved at some points because they're they're old,
so good point, good point. Oh it's a hello, all right, Yeah,
I'm Detective Phillips. And apparently there was a murder. Somebody
(25:05):
took two in the back of the coconut. Yeah, actually,
um duncan here it did it? Sara? I need you
to step back just for a second. Your witnesses to
the actual right. I was there when he said he
didn't do it, and he was never asked if he
did it. Yeah, that's a witness to that. Yeah, thanks
(25:27):
for that. What I'm looking for is a witness to
the actual crime. M hum. As far as I understand it,
there were two deaths. Could be wrong from point I
was called about just one. You would like me to
take take me to the second body if you would.
She wasn't an actual resident of this facility she was visiting. Okay,
(25:50):
who's in charge? That guy right there, sir? Yeah, could
you take me to the the body d or bodies. Sure,
we've kind of set the bodies up not to scare
the other residents. It's like a kind of sitting by
the fireplace. Yeah, okay, to put it back in the
(26:12):
position they were at, I'd like you to stepped. So
I'm telling you there there are dead bodies everywhere. You
gotta get me out of here. You gotta get me
out of here. Okay, calmed down, calm down. I know
you don't believe me, but it's true. I'm sponge you down. Grandma.
(26:34):
Check your audio on the zoom. Okay. If we're gonna
come get you, I need to hear you clearly explain
what happened. Uh is this for real settings? Remember you
clicked the choice will be at the same time. You're good, Carlin,
and good to see you again. Good to see you.
(26:54):
Thanks for everything. Yeah, she's tough to sponge down. I'll
tell you that much. Good. It feels really good. Can
you hear me? I can hear you now, Grandma, Thank you,
thank you. So you want us to come get you
and why is it this time? Because their dead bodies everywhere,
and it's not a ghosts, it's actual car carcasses. Cars.
(27:16):
Putting a bulletproof vest on you that won't stop a
head shot, but it would, so we will. It will
increase your your chance to sing where that might are
you using the word carcasses because these two dead bodies
have been stripped of their skin and organs and dignity
to be honest, kidding, I think somebody might be using
(27:39):
their skin. Okay, fair enough, Okay, okay, I like what
I see here. You guys brought these bodies to the
right place. Let me take a look here. Uh huh huh.
And you have paperwork on them. Huh we got okay,
we got birth certificate and death certificate. Now this is
gonna this is gonna make this at the price go up.
(28:00):
This is very good. Turn them over here. Yeah, okay,
Now do you have any backstory on these people? You
know anything about them? Okay, okay, okay, now listen, I'm
gonna be honest here. I've been doing this for a
long time and I haven't seen two carcasses. And this
could of shape in my entire life. Now, don't get
(28:22):
too excited. Don't get too excited right now. At auction,
I'd say, I'd say you can get close to half
million dollars each for each of these carcasses. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it is good news. Action item number seventeen two carcasses.
(28:43):
We're gonna start the bidding at four hundred thousand. Do
I have a bid at four d We just wave
pedals rather than to say that umber out loud. Mm hmm, wait,
preferred if you would wave your paddles four and two
(29:05):
do I hear for? You've got me doing it now.
We're looking at four seventy four. I'm not betting, I'm
just speating. Sorry, I've been waving my my paddle and
nobody is referencing to I need to shout it out.
You need to turn your paddal around you four sevening
(29:27):
looking for four seventy four. Up, there's for Seving turned
his paddle around. Wow. That was a huge bet or
bit or whatever it's called. I love a man with
a lot of money. Are you really into auctions, because
it doesn't sound like you're You called it a bat um.
I bet I don't know, or just I thought that
(29:50):
you said that you love going to auctions. I love it.
I love auctions to make me so fucking hot. Well,
it's weird. You didn't. You didn't. You didn't bid on editing.
I don't need to when my man's got all the money.
Oh I see, I see. I uh, I think that
you're probably just on this. I love auctions dating site
(30:13):
because you know I have money. Oh, come on, that's
not true at all at all. It's all pretty clear atough.
Kevin right, what, No, it's Kenny, It's Ken exactly got
you jokes? Then you listen. I don't think this is
working out. You kind of were you? You stuck out
at the auction. You were a little bit weird. Uh,
(30:37):
that is scene too. That is scene too. I am
gonna have to call a stop to that scene. When
that woman, that voice, that person uses my name, it's over.
Prot Williams wrote, James, don't read this. You had some redhead.
(30:59):
Oh and then you uh Robert Williams road hell, Hey,
all alchemists. You can tell I like you because I
give you money. Well easy, now. My scene suggestion is
three words? Or are the three words are nudice, beach catastrophe.
(31:22):
Thanks for all the laughs. In a very unfunny time. Director,
I don't know how to be more clear about this.
The ozone layer right above the beach has broken. Yes,
I understand, and I know that only you can see
the whole in this particular rosone layer area. And I
appreciate you letting us know. I guess that you're concerned
(31:45):
for everyone's well being. It's not a concern. I mean,
the alarm is sounding, this is this is what do
you want me to do? Do you want me to
tell all the newdice to put their clothes on and
go inside? Is that what? Yes? Yes, yes, exactly, that
they need to be covered completely. Why are you here
to warn? You? To warn everyone? You understand this is
a new tist colony. People have chosen to be here.
(32:08):
They know what's happening. Nobody wants to be cooked alive.
It's not a choice. People make it. Director. Please, you
have the authority to recall everyone back into their homes.
You need to use that. I'm sorry, he's what's the director?
I'm the chef buddy together. Oh my god, I am
(32:31):
in the kitchen. Oh well, okay, good test runs? All right, everyone,
This is the little area that I've picked out for
us today, and I've already let our you know, blankets
on the ground. And yeah, so now it's just time,
it's time. Ready, here we go. Okay, it's our first time. Nervous,
(32:54):
don't be nervous. It's fun. Bill, just go with it. Marcia, Okay,
so we just everyone just disrobes. Well, yeah, exactly, exactly.
On the count of three, here we go, one, two,
He's it's bifurcated. It's bred headed, Johnny, I've never heard
(33:21):
that word before. Listen, what if I just went down
to my you know, undesirable No, Marcia, you gotta fit in.
How about my unmentionables. You gotta show them your undesirables.
You're unmentionables. You're untouchables. Everything untouchable. So okay, let me
touch him. She won't let me touch him. Hi, guys, Hi,
(33:42):
welcome to the community. I'm Todd. I do need to
let you know that I do get sexually turned on
by the side of naked people. Exact thing they make me,
they make me stay here. Everyone else seems to be
very cash about things, but I get very turned on. Okay, awesome,
thanks for let us, No Todd, thank you, grab a snack,
(34:04):
all right, where were we three? Unmentionable? What's Todd's story? Um,
he's one of those guys who just kind of pops
up now and again. Single single, I mean everybody's single here, right,
(34:25):
all right? Tim, listen up. Okay, this is gonna be
a little different than your other jobs, I guess, but
just so when you go out there, Okay, I want
you to just be joyful. Will be pleasant, to be happy. Um,
what is this waring shorts? Oh? I've never been. I'm
just not comfortable with full nudity. Tim. Everyone's everyone's nude here. Okay. Look,
(34:47):
if you don't take this job, you're not gonna you're
not gonna anything to eat. Yes, even the employees. Tim. Okay,
it's just that I have a biperforated peanut. Give him what.
It's just I have a bi perforated penis. I would
really rather keep my short something. By perforated, you mean
there's two pipes running oxygen into your it's got to Tim, thanks,
(35:14):
come into my office. Yeah, so I took a look
at the dicks. Ray, Um, yeah, you do have perforated,
which means, um, you see those tiny little dots along
the side of your dick that means if you if
you yank on it, they'll come off easily. So you
gotta be careful. Yeah, you gotta be You gotta be
careful what you're doing with that. I'm lucky. I've been
(35:34):
pretty rough with it. Hey, Timmy, it's the it's the
man you thought was your dad, your whole life again.
Uh yeah, just I just want to let you know
that your mom and I need to take you off
our insurance seeing as you're no longer related to us.
Oh wait, even mom even Yeah, the woman you thought
was your mother is not your mother? Sorry wit what? Yeah?
(35:59):
But it was nice to get to know you, okay, tim?
And uh so that's the consultation we ran your insurance.
Turns out you ain't got none. Uh do you want
to do credit or cash? Your total here is yikes,
it's about the price of Frankly, it's a hundred and
thirty four thousand dollars. Wow. Well, I mean yeah, I
(36:21):
mean if you're gonna sell an Airloo and make sure
it's an expensive one, right so, uh yeah, I can
definitely get this. And I know the market price is
probably eighty grand for this piece right here, but I
gotta make a profit. So I'm looking at something. Maybe
you sell it to me for a hundred and twenty
oh thousand. Yeah, so you give me a grand and
I'll be able to get this off your hands. Oh no, no, no,
(36:43):
I need to get I need to walk away with
a net game game. It's like maybe a hundred and
thirty two. We're about to make. We just made a deal, buddy,
you're gonna do that. I'm gonna kick your fucking ask Well,
don't don't touch me. Don't touch me. You know what
I think I get the dog out of here that
just bites and rips. Sorry, Tim, Hi, Yeah, it's so funny, like,
(37:06):
are you work here but you're wearing shorts? All of
us are naked. Yeah, it's it's important that there's sometimes
um some employees. Well you see, I'm sorry coming through,
just coming through. I'm very very Tim. I'm sorry to
interrupt you, but I think your shorts are a little
too small. Anyways, what I mean these are these are
(37:30):
medium shorts. Hey fella, we can see your bifurcated Pennis.
Oh my god, yeah, they're so why we the shorts?
We can see the action? Tim. So I've been getting
some reports from people in the field and whatnot, as
well as some of the other colonists. And um, it
(37:50):
looks like we're gonna have to um, well, we're gonna
have to put you out just in the middle of
the sun for a little bit. Okay, I have I've
got pretty sensitive skin because I don't usually tan there,
so I just it goes straight to burning. So maybe
I can ease into it a couple of hours a
day for a couple of weeks. And whoa, those are
(38:13):
some burns. Mr. Yeah, I know it happened just here.
It's a sun burned. It's just more sensitive here because
I it was just turnover for me. If you whoa
two hands better than one's. Please don't make jokes about that.
I have a surgery that I'm supposed to have a
kiss a matter. No, it's not a joking. Matter. Are
(38:34):
you gonna put alo on? Or No? What's coming on? Mr?
That's col isn't it though? And Alo number two? Hey, Tim,
it's you're agent? Are you don bud? Thank god you calls.
It's been so long I haven't gotten any work. Yeah, listen,
I'm just calling to give you the heads up. This
(38:55):
is me as a friend. The titled Marvin MQ Marvin
Project that's supposed to be airing soon. Right, what's there?
They're doing some pickup shots at the new this calling
and you're now working at Oh that's perfect. I work here,
So they need you to leave or at least times
(39:18):
he can't be in the shot and would confuse people.
Is that Marvin behind you? Yeah? Can, He's got a
distinct voice. But look, look I'm waiting. Can you see
auscross the parking lot? Oh yeah, I'll just come over
by you guys. Don't don't come over here, don't come
over here. Oh okay, um, I've put this is my job.
(39:40):
I'm trying to save up for my no. No, but
well the tim good news looks like the there's been
a price reduction in the surgery. Oh god, this is
what I've been needing to hear. Bad news with that though,
is with the price reduction? Um, the normal doctors, surgeons
(40:01):
and medical professionals have I decided not to do it
based on the price point. So well you're going to have.
He's an orc, not the most of of surgeons, but
he's pretty good at holding small steady objects right, like
a like a scalpel, like Are you sure that he's
(40:23):
to hold a battle ax? That's him. That's him. You know,
I don't know if I want to spend the eighty
four thousand dollars unless I get the full fledge. Maybe
it's worth saving up for this surgery is gonna be
over in three seconds. If you said you can't let
Dorsax on me, doctor or dr or There's a young
(40:43):
woman here named Janet says you're her father. She wants
to have a word with you. Yeah, I think you're
my dad. Wow, what a world's converging. That's our show
for today. We've just got a cop of That's a
thank everybody. So let's begin, of course at Carlikowski. Thank
you so very much, Carla, and folks will look up
(41:06):
the West Side Comedy Theater online on Twitch and comedy
west Side Comedy Theater dot com for classes some top
by our very own Chris and Joey. Great, that's exciting,
Thank you, Thank you being here, James, he and you
who have you got there? And then I don't know
if you guys could hear it in the middle she
just started attacking uh, and it was I started attacking you.
(41:27):
Her owner actually started attacking my wife, who was trying
to be very quiet and sure, so I figured I
just needed to grab her and one more time name
if you could say her name slowly, Punkert like punk
and Kurt, but they only share one letter k. It's
so refreshing to get more information and have less understanding.
(41:53):
Thank you for being here, James christ Offer, thank you
so very much. Po welcome back to town. Thank you.
I would let's you just use my time really quickly
to ask James how that how the situation went down
a couple of weeks ago with the kids who were
drinking in front of you. Oh, well, they ended up
being uh of age, so they were full grown male adults. Uh.
And once we told them to leave, there was no confrontation.
(42:15):
I think the door like this with my shoulders kind
of pushed forward. That was just like, hey, you guys
can't drink here. And I closed the door, and I
shook and listened to hear if they stayed, and they
got they got gone. Sorry you shook and listen. Well, yeah,
I pressed my hair to the door to say I
(42:36):
wasn't gonna open the Yeah. And Joey Garret, thank you
so much. As always pound what color is James is hair.
It is a deep bright red deep and Craigs thank
you so much, as always, sir, my pleasure. And I
just sold my first nonfiction book, The James Cney Story.
(42:58):
More information, less under standing. I've just optioned it for
Major Motion Picture. Let's thank our producer and engineer to
the stars with Doug Baine. Five folks that I heart media.
They continue to write to us at your name here
atl dot com. I'm your host, Cavin Polic Until next time,
Welcome back to another episode COVID. I'm your host, Kevin
pol Kiss that well, if you do talk to Pickleman,
please tell him no, I can't make the payment again
this month. And also meet a dick. Let's meet rowing this,
(00:23):
shall we in a particular to please say hello to
Craik Atkowski Kacao, which have become your favorite shoes? I'm
looking at them. They're They're a classic Adidas shell. To
sure that's your everyday walking around shoe. Yeah. I already
burned out one pair of shoes about five weeks of
(00:47):
quarantine to ruin the first one. So I went deeper
into the closet. Nice, bring the toys. It's Carla Katkowski, Carla, Carla,
you can if you could ask Joey Greer one question,
what would it be? What flavor toothpaste do you prefer?
(01:09):
Do I do? I answer? I hope? So? No, No,
you don't just asking your what a question? Jesus christ Man?
What the heck? It's christ aparado? Mr Man. What's the
latest thing you kids are watching? Um? Normal People on Hulu? Yeah?
(01:29):
I read the Sally Rooney novel. I loved it and
I loved the show. So cool so cool. Keep the
car running. Here comes James Heeney Dark Knight. Heen How
are you getting your exercise? How am I getting my exercise? Well,
I walk on the boardwalk. I sometimes jog, but uh,
(01:52):
it's it's I live in an area that's highly populated,
so it's kind of hard to go anywhere and exercise.
But yeah, I would say it's running along the Venice
Beach boardwalk. Fantastic. I would love video of that, by
the way, if you could ever please, I just want
proof of one time. It's just there. It's just so
bad out there, like there are people with no math.
But you can do it early. Yeah, wait a minute, Yeah,
(02:22):
I'm not buying any last but get used to the
taste of shoe leather. If you think of Lisa's Joey Greer. Where, dude,
what's it smell like these days? You know what smells like?
My favorite flavor of toothpaste, which is orange orange hot dog.
So it's so you're gonna lie down, let's do a
(02:45):
damn show. Almost all of our scene suggestions you got
it from either Patron V I P. S or your
listen to emails. If you'd like to submit yours, please
right to the podcast. Your name here at alchemy this
dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this dot com.
See you number one? If that comes from Charlie listener
Charlie who wrote high Kevin, my suggestion, James Ny and
the rest of the Alchemists play themselves in just kidding. Sorry,
(03:09):
my actual suggestion. It was very funny. Charlie, the lead
actor of a show is so disliked by his fellow
cast members that they attempt to sabotage him during the show.
Thank you all as always, you're making Quarantine time much
funnier and it's greatly appreciated. Charlie. When time is he do?
(03:29):
And what was his call to? Just like everybody else's
and he should be here already, all right, And and Janice,
what was your suggestion that we do when he gets her?
I think we should prank him, right, yeah, I mean general, yeah,
I said, I mean that's what happened right before you
said your other line, as I said, let's prank him.
(03:53):
That's exactly right. Yes, I'm just afraid that if we
prank him at the top of the day, it's gonna
we're gonna lose another day one. If we've lost so
many already. Who gives a ship? I'm sorry, I'm sorry
to jump in here. I'm sorry to jump in here,
but Tim, we love it when you jump in. I
think this is too much, too much, Okay, Tim, I
was being facetious. Ye when you jump in? Oh gee,
(04:18):
what the fund is your problem? Man? Okay? Problem? Okay,
he's not apparently the biggest problem. We've got to be
a you to fight front here. Wait. Wait, we can't
start attacking Tim, stop. Yeah, look we gotta we just
need to focus up here. Okay, marn Wait were you
getting my back there? For a second? I think I
had I thought I had your back, and I am spinning.
(04:40):
I am sorry, I am sorry. I understand if this
is called the Barvin mckun show, who is Jingle Dick
to walk in every day in sabotage the show because
it's not his? They told me that I had to
bring a YouTube personality on the kids. The kids weren't
to watch it unless Jingle Dick joined the cast. Have
(05:03):
you seen it's? Really that's not really what j D
stands for? Is it? Completely and utterly? Seven million views minimum?
Every body scene? I mean, he doesn't even need to
come out, clean your butt, kiss your mom? What's up?
(05:24):
Just doing videos? But okay, well here's where the live
stream ends, and now we we we shoot our show,
Shoot the show, shoot the show. Okay, grub Paul, clean
your butt in, kiss your mom's he's oh, he knows
his name. Don't say stuff. You know it's four o'clock
(05:47):
in the afternoon. All right, we've lost a lot of
shoot time. Why don't we just time? I know it's
four in the afternoon right now. So what's going on here?
Jingle Dick you let's jd You have a little bit
of white stuff on your I was crushing Tom's like
(06:08):
a motherfucker this morning. Okay, Toms of Maine, Toms? What
is your favorite favorite flavor of Toms of Maine toothpaste? J?
Orange flavor? Hot dog. I don't think that's a I
don't as crazy. J. What's with all the questions? What? Yes?
(06:31):
Talk to me? A lot of times you use like
fart noises this punctuation to what you're saying. Where did
you pick that up? Good question? Good question? Where do
I get my ideas? Is what you're asking? My genius
is what you're asking. I guess it's something I was
born with, you know, and something I've worked on to
(06:52):
hone this crap, don't uh you know, so stop asking
me questions and let's roll action. He has a mental disorder.
He has a mental disorder. Okay, everyone right, can we
rehearse please? Okay? All right, everybody about to do a
live rehearsal right now, so check me out. I'll keep
(07:13):
my kimps. Okay, don't don't live stream this, please. You
don't need to document every aspect of your life. Aren't
ignore him if you can. Let's just line up everyone.
We're gonna rehearse. Sing three on Janis's line, Jannis, start
us off, please. I rang the bell twice, Marvin Well,
(07:34):
DJ should be here. Well, don't forget to wipe your
butts and kiss your mom. Jesus Christ, he's not even
paying attention. It's his fucking line, all right. Cut. I'm sorry,
but he didn't answer the goddamn door. Tim, Tim, Tim,
I'm sorry. He was live streaming on set, right and
(07:55):
we all saw that. So if we're gonna get through
today's for we've really got to start and not stop
j D. We're good to go. Yep, Yes, Tim, I'm sorry, buddy,
but we're not going to be renewing your contract, my contract. Yeah,
I'm sorry. We've just had a lot of hiccups with
(08:16):
production and a lot of people just your name has
been thrown around a lot, so we're not gonna be
able to I haven't done anything except support, like working
hard and getting seemed shot well to the plot. How
are you gonna explain me? Gone, easy, it's unheard at all.
We'll say that you got sucked up in a time
vortex and that grumblings live inside your stomach and that's
(08:38):
why you can't be around the Marvin's house. But this
is not a sci fi Excuse me? Is anybody have
a Honda with a bumper sticker? It says working hard
and getting scene shot it right now? Wait, but I'm
parked in the actor's parking lot. I'm just passing on
the news, buddy. Yeah. Look, I'm sorry, buddy. Okay, I
gotta told this thing. You know, I'm an actor on
(09:01):
I'm an actor in the in this project, Buddy, I
don't know, all right. They just tell me to lift
the car up. I lift the car up, all right?
Who who told you to do that? The studio did alright, yeah, okay,
how much do I gotta give you to just drop
the cart? Grand? Grand? You gonna tell this car? Oh?
(09:25):
Thank god you're here. Uh wait, what did you say? Damn,
we're gonna tell your car yet again? Off my studio.
No no, no, no, no no, no, no no no no no,
I I was, I mean not anymore, but as of
today I was. That's the same. Please, I'm losing my
job here and you're towing my car. Oh hey, Marvin, yeah,
(09:48):
come on in, come on into my trailler, my trailer.
I've been asked to talk to you by the rest
of the cast. Okay, hey, you want a rebel? Uh?
Is it an actual bull? You're crazy, man, You're crazy?
Now am I talking? Am I talking to j D
the actor? Or DJ the character? Right now? You choose
(10:11):
your choice. Look, I put my heart and soul into
untitled Marvin MQ project. And I know I know that
we're you know, we're only halfway through the first season.
It's not out there in the world yet, but I
(10:32):
have a feeling it's really going to resonate with a
lot of people. And you reminded me of a young
actor that I once worked with named James Dean oh
j D. Well, I just noticed the parallel now, but yeah,
there you go. I mean James and Dean were more
normal names than Jingle and Dick. But I don't know, man. Okay,
(10:57):
so I'm going to give you two thousand dollars if
he will just tow j D's trailer. Yeah, is how
you do? Right? You just so? Yeah? So he has
to be in it though. Look, I mean I can
throw it on the hitch right now and get it
going on a lot of times, so regardless of anyone's
and there were not Okay, I could do it right now.
I already locked the door so he can't get out,
(11:20):
all right, good, all right, lots of fire eyes. Let's
get it going. Look, Marvin, are you familiar with the
words two point four million US errors? I think those
are numbers, so you are Look, the show was going
to be a hit, my boy. Don't worry about it. Okay.
As soon as people know I'm in it, you rule
(11:42):
game over. Tim, I'm sorry you haven't paid rent. I well,
you know what, it's the first today, so I'm sure
that if you just refresh the browser, it's gonna be
in there pretty soon. So okay, Well, I'm doing it
on my phone. I don't see anything. Tim I'm sorry, Yeah, well,
I mean, don't you have to give it a viction notice.
(12:03):
You can't just take my stuff out of my apartment
like this. Um, I'm sorry. I just I already signed
the lease for this place. Um. I'm a little accused. Yeah,
but how but how did you know that I wasn't
gonna I only today? Am I what? You have a
whole moving truck here, Jimmy, Timmy, Timmy boyd, you'r agent here?
(12:27):
Thank god, you've called some woman just moved into my apartment.
I've evicted my car's toad. Give me some good news,
all right, I've got bad news and I've got worst news.
Ship ship ship, Give me the bad news. First, we're
dropping you. What the worst news? Oh god, I don't.
I don't think I can handle the worst. You're never
(12:47):
gonna work in this town again. Man, everyone knows what
you're a goddamn com me. Hey, hey, Timmy, it's your
dad or I guess I should say the man you
thought was your dad. I've already spoiled the surprise. Just
(13:08):
is that mom behind you? What your father needs to say?
These words? Oh? Thanks? Da. What were you saying? Um, sir,
here is uh size medium? But I think that you're
actually a large, So yeah, I can just kind of
eyeball these things. You're you're much bigger than a medium. Well,
(13:31):
why didn't I just try it on and see if
it fits? Okay, I'm trying to do nice customer service here,
but you're too fat for a medium? Okay, I'm sorry?
Is everything okay, Claire? I just want to try these
pants really quick. So you're too fat for those parents?
You're not going to listen? I met so JD. Are
(13:52):
you going to get your act together? Yeah? I think so?
Would it would it help if I told you that
we got rid of Tim? Who's Tim? Exactly? Okay? Hey listen, Um,
do you think he'll be dying soon? That's kind of weird, right,
do you think do you think I'll be dying? Yeah?
(14:14):
Do you think he'll be dying soon? It isn't that
weird that you're so close to death. Look, I've been
close to death for forty years. Pal. Hey, you know
I once jumped over a moving a moving Porsche. Okay, well,
I'll see you on the set. Hold on, hold on,
something's happening here. The trailer seems to be moving. My man,
(14:37):
Oh boy, oh Dan's break boom. Come on, Marvin, I
don't know that song on everybody? Why oh why would
they send Marvin to go talk to j D and Pride?
(14:59):
Nobody know? Come on, we all loved him. He seems
to be done everywhere and his family from Brian, who
wrote my name is Brian, loved the show and was
(15:19):
delighted when you read out. My younger brother, Julian suggested
after I had introduced him to alchemy this. I was
recently rewatching Community and reading Arkell's about the show when
I saw a character named Officer Kakavski. Having never made
the voice and face connection, it finally dawned on me
(15:41):
that it was, in fact Craig Kakowsky. I always enjoyed
the character, and especially one scene where he appraises a
brick as a piece of classic Americana. You remember that one, Greg,
you remember being funny and entertaining. I mean, that's my
whole life. Uh, get all blurred together? Oh goodness? Any
(16:06):
Brian follows this up with a scene suggestion, which is
antiques road show cops. Thank you, Brian. Alright, so what
we got here is a uh that's shiny logan vire
and uh looking if you look on the other side
(16:27):
of it, here, you're gonna see str right. What's the
story of those initials? Dear Pat? Yeah, let me get
to it, all right? Sure, sure, I bring these things
up to talk about it. I'm not just bringing them
up just to bring them up, all right. Well, you
never know until it happens. Go ahead, you know. Can
we cut the cameras for a second. Get against against
the wall real quick, right? Spread? Pat? What's you're being
a little suspicious? Here? Spread your lags here? All right? Oh,
(16:50):
that's my as Okay, let's see what you got in there? Hut? Oh?
What is the hip block bag? Hunt? Take your time?
Why don't you yellow niplock bag in your buttle? What
is this? That's my prison purse? All right? Well put
it right back in there? Can we go? All right? Here?
You got idea on you ide you know me? Yeah?
(17:10):
I know your buddy, but I'm gonna need to know
you know you? All right? Pop that idea out? Yeah,
been inside me. I don't know how I know another
fello any better than that. Here we go. Let's take
a look at this year al right, says you're six five.
Well I was yeah, yeah, alright, you're more like six
ft right. It's a lie, you know what. Al Right,
(17:32):
I'll check on. Let's go back over to the pointy here. Okay, Um,
do you know why I pulled you over? I imagine
just what she just wanted you. Okay, he just whenever
he answers questions that you know are he's not great
at answering questions officer, specifically from authority figures. So it's
(17:56):
probably blessed if you talk to her. Okay, I get
the registration, please, here you go. You can take mine. Okay,
even though I wasn't driving, that's fun. Do you have
any idea why I pulled you over? Um? I think
you pulled us over because my husband ran a red light.
(18:17):
I caught a yellow light. No, no, that's not why
I pulled you over, because I'm not sure you two
know the value of this. Yeah. I didn't even realize
it was an eight four. It's an eight four. Listen.
I have an authority problem, so I don't think that
I really want to hear you tell me what this
(18:39):
car is worth. But well, listen, I am the authority
figure here, so I will tell you what it's worth
now in this condition, this condition. Tell me how many
miles are on the dometer there? Please? And twenty. But
that's just it's been really well maintained. It's probably motto
on an eight four dots in. It's a lot of miles.
(19:00):
We've taken good care of it. Don't shake your fucking finger. Now,
I'll do the talking. You know what, Let's just change seats.
Let's just switch seats here. We'll just mix up the
dynamic a little bit. Okay, you don't run so hard, sorry, buddy. Okay, Now,
(19:20):
if I were to get this into yeah, have you
checked that the dots on it for rust? I'm on
it right now, Luke, all right, let me get my
get up my dick. Okay. Uh Now, if I had
to wield this dots and into auction right now, can
(19:41):
you know as is as the way I'm looking at
it right now, May officer, please don't the way I'm
thinking I have to do this right now, I'd say
this car is estimated at a hundred and forty five
thou dollar. Are you joking? Holy shit, I haven't expected it.
This is just through the eyes and I have to
(20:03):
be the one to tell you this, but it means
a lot to me. It was given to me by
my grandmother. Okay, I see what you mean. Yeah, the
grunting is that you have to do it. Get it now, dispact?
Wait is this? Yeah? Yeah, make sure you don't overvalue
(20:23):
the camp. Are you listening in on my pull over here? Okay,
this just seems weird telling you that we could get
several cars, and we'll remember your grandma was all three
of them. I really loved her a lot, and this
is the only thing she left. We're going to go
(20:45):
a lot to me. I hear what you're saying. Okay, folks,
upon further inspection, No, I looked underneath the bumper. I
do see some uh some rust, little rust here. That's
not possible. That's not possible. Bullshit, this is bullshit. He
probably planted that rust. Dot Are you a crooked cop? Officer?
(21:05):
Are you a crooked cop? I'm sorry, we should switch back.
I am fucking furious. I heard. I heard you have
a chest camera. So if you're trying to do something
shady here, we could get h you know that footage? Yeah, okay,
that's true, and that that that that's true. Let's listen. Listen,
but what people who are crooked here are YouTube? Okay,
(21:27):
you two are driving around this in a slight scoliosis issue,
but that's it. Okay, it's nothing beyond that. And please
don't call me crooked. It's really all right. Listen right now.
Based on what I found, if I had a roll
thisst into auction, I'd say this is worth o god,
(21:47):
that's nearly half of what it just fucking said. Racket.
Here's a racket. I'm dying, so I'm gonna have to
give you a ticket. Wait at or you signed this place.
I'm not even in a driver's seat, you can. This
is the passengers. This is a passenger. Yeah, pardon me, office,
(22:08):
saw you were talking to these folks, high folks. What's
oh my cop? I need to say to me? Oh man,
what do you need to say? I was just gonna
make an offer on the car. No, he's not. So
(22:30):
you sold the Dutch and that I gave you. Grandma,
I'm so sorry. I um, I was kind of talking
to the families since ninety five. He was a crooked cop,
violent crooked cop, but we got a lot of money
for it. Grandma, keep talking to them. Keep talking to them.
We need to get the actual act on audio. I
(22:52):
don't know how this works. Keep talking. What do you
mean you don't know how this work? I didn't say
how am I supposed to know? Do you mean, grandma?
I didn't say anything. What can you tell me how
these wires work? Wait, grandma, I don't need to see
her undergarments? Come on? This is that a hard monitor?
(23:15):
Are you wearing a heart monitor? Oh? My god, she's wired.
Your grandma's sucking wired. She doesn't know that you're in
my ear? What? Oh god? Are you there? I was shot?
(23:37):
I was shot. I'm kind of still here, but it
feels like it's slipping away. Okay, well, okay, nurses just
coming here for a second. Here at Valley Oaks, we
have had another assassination on one of our residents on
(23:58):
this week. Man, that's I know. It's getting wild. It's
getting pretty crazy. So huh, all right? It was you?
What I think it was you? You just said it.
It made it seem like absolutely it was you. Oh
I meant to say, I didn't kill that person. Yeah,
why would you say that? Who? Who? Who assumed? Asking? Oh?
(24:21):
The craziest thing though, is that a lot of these
residents around machines. They really could just be unplugged. But
somebody is coming in and gangland style assassinating that. I
don't know. I mean, the only connection I can make
at this now, granted I'm not a detective, is that
each one of them has a valuable object that has
been appraised by local and there is that odd connection.
(24:42):
Should we get involved at some points because they're they're old,
so good point, good point. Oh it's a hello, all right, Yeah,
I'm Detective Phillips. And apparently there was a murder. Somebody
(25:05):
took two in the back of the coconut. Yeah, actually,
um duncan here it did it? Sara? I need you
to step back just for a second. Your witnesses to
the actual right. I was there when he said he
didn't do it, and he was never asked if he
did it. Yeah, that's a witness to that. Yeah, thanks
(25:27):
for that. What I'm looking for is a witness to
the actual crime. M hum. As far as I understand it,
there were two deaths. Could be wrong from point I
was called about just one. You would like me to
take take me to the second body if you would.
She wasn't an actual resident of this facility she was visiting. Okay,
(25:50):
who's in charge? That guy right there, sir? Yeah, could
you take me to the the body d or bodies. Sure,
we've kind of set the bodies up not to scare
the other residents. It's like a kind of sitting by
the fireplace. Yeah, okay, to put it back in the
(26:12):
position they were at, I'd like you to stepped. So
I'm telling you there there are dead bodies everywhere. You
gotta get me out of here. You gotta get me
out of here. Okay, calmed down, calm down. I know
you don't believe me, but it's true. I'm sponge you down. Grandma.
(26:34):
Check your audio on the zoom. Okay. If we're gonna
come get you, I need to hear you clearly explain
what happened. Uh is this for real settings? Remember you
clicked the choice will be at the same time. You're good, Carlin,
and good to see you again. Good to see you.
(26:54):
Thanks for everything. Yeah, she's tough to sponge down. I'll
tell you that much. Good. It feels really good. Can
you hear me? I can hear you now, Grandma, Thank you,
thank you. So you want us to come get you
and why is it this time? Because their dead bodies everywhere,
and it's not a ghosts, it's actual car carcasses. Cars.
(27:16):
Putting a bulletproof vest on you that won't stop a
head shot, but it would, so we will. It will
increase your your chance to sing where that might are
you using the word carcasses because these two dead bodies
have been stripped of their skin and organs and dignity
to be honest, kidding, I think somebody might be using
(27:39):
their skin. Okay, fair enough, Okay, okay, I like what
I see here. You guys brought these bodies to the
right place. Let me take a look here. Uh huh huh.
And you have paperwork on them. Huh we got okay,
we got birth certificate and death certificate. Now this is
gonna this is gonna make this at the price go up.
(28:00):
This is very good. Turn them over here. Yeah, okay,
Now do you have any backstory on these people? You
know anything about them? Okay, okay, okay, now listen, I'm
gonna be honest here. I've been doing this for a
long time and I haven't seen two carcasses. And this
could of shape in my entire life. Now, don't get
(28:22):
too excited. Don't get too excited right now. At auction,
I'd say, I'd say you can get close to half
million dollars each for each of these carcasses. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it is good news. Action item number seventeen two carcasses.
(28:43):
We're gonna start the bidding at four hundred thousand. Do
I have a bid at four d We just wave
pedals rather than to say that umber out loud. Mm hmm, wait,
preferred if you would wave your paddles four and two
(29:05):
do I hear for? You've got me doing it now.
We're looking at four seventy four. I'm not betting, I'm
just speating. Sorry, I've been waving my my paddle and
nobody is referencing to I need to shout it out.
You need to turn your paddal around you four sevening
(29:27):
looking for four seventy four. Up, there's for Seving turned
his paddle around. Wow. That was a huge bet or
bit or whatever it's called. I love a man with
a lot of money. Are you really into auctions, because
it doesn't sound like you're You called it a bat um.
I bet I don't know, or just I thought that
(29:50):
you said that you love going to auctions. I love it.
I love auctions to make me so fucking hot. Well,
it's weird. You didn't. You didn't. You didn't bid on editing.
I don't need to when my man's got all the money.
Oh I see, I see. I uh, I think that
you're probably just on this. I love auctions dating site
(30:13):
because you know I have money. Oh, come on, that's
not true at all at all. It's all pretty clear atough.
Kevin right, what, No, it's Kenny, It's Ken exactly got
you jokes? Then you listen. I don't think this is
working out. You kind of were you? You stuck out
at the auction. You were a little bit weird. Uh,
(30:37):
that is scene too. That is scene too. I am
gonna have to call a stop to that scene. When
that woman, that voice, that person uses my name, it's over.
Prot Williams wrote, James, don't read this. You had some redhead.
(30:59):
Oh and then you uh Robert Williams road hell, Hey,
all alchemists. You can tell I like you because I
give you money. Well easy, now. My scene suggestion is
three words? Or are the three words are nudice, beach catastrophe.
(31:22):
Thanks for all the laughs. In a very unfunny time. Director,
I don't know how to be more clear about this.
The ozone layer right above the beach has broken. Yes,
I understand, and I know that only you can see
the whole in this particular rosone layer area. And I
appreciate you letting us know. I guess that you're concerned
(31:45):
for everyone's well being. It's not a concern. I mean,
the alarm is sounding, this is this is what do
you want me to do? Do you want me to
tell all the newdice to put their clothes on and
go inside? Is that what? Yes? Yes, yes, exactly, that
they need to be covered completely. Why are you here
to warn? You? To warn everyone? You understand this is
a new tist colony. People have chosen to be here.
(32:08):
They know what's happening. Nobody wants to be cooked alive.
It's not a choice. People make it. Director. Please, you
have the authority to recall everyone back into their homes.
You need to use that. I'm sorry, he's what's the director?
I'm the chef buddy together. Oh my god, I am
(32:31):
in the kitchen. Oh well, okay, good test runs? All right, everyone,
This is the little area that I've picked out for
us today, and I've already let our you know, blankets
on the ground. And yeah, so now it's just time,
it's time. Ready, here we go. Okay, it's our first time. Nervous,
(32:54):
don't be nervous. It's fun. Bill, just go with it. Marcia, Okay,
so we just everyone just disrobes. Well, yeah, exactly, exactly.
On the count of three, here we go, one, two,
He's it's bifurcated. It's bred headed, Johnny, I've never heard
(33:21):
that word before. Listen, what if I just went down
to my you know, undesirable No, Marcia, you gotta fit in.
How about my unmentionables. You gotta show them your undesirables.
You're unmentionables. You're untouchables. Everything untouchable. So okay, let me
touch him. She won't let me touch him. Hi, guys, Hi,
(33:42):
welcome to the community. I'm Todd. I do need to
let you know that I do get sexually turned on
by the side of naked people. Exact thing they make me,
they make me stay here. Everyone else seems to be
very cash about things, but I get very turned on. Okay, awesome,
thanks for let us, No Todd, thank you, grab a snack,
(34:04):
all right, where were we three? Unmentionable? What's Todd's story? Um,
he's one of those guys who just kind of pops
up now and again. Single single, I mean everybody's single here, right,
(34:25):
all right? Tim, listen up. Okay, this is gonna be
a little different than your other jobs, I guess, but
just so when you go out there, Okay, I want
you to just be joyful. Will be pleasant, to be happy. Um,
what is this waring shorts? Oh? I've never been. I'm
just not comfortable with full nudity. Tim. Everyone's everyone's nude here. Okay. Look,
(34:47):
if you don't take this job, you're not gonna you're
not gonna anything to eat. Yes, even the employees. Tim. Okay,
it's just that I have a biperforated peanut. Give him what.
It's just I have a bi perforated penis. I would
really rather keep my short something. By perforated, you mean
there's two pipes running oxygen into your it's got to Tim, thanks,
(35:14):
come into my office. Yeah, so I took a look
at the dicks. Ray, Um, yeah, you do have perforated,
which means, um, you see those tiny little dots along
the side of your dick that means if you if
you yank on it, they'll come off easily. So you
gotta be careful. Yeah, you gotta be You gotta be
careful what you're doing with that. I'm lucky. I've been
(35:34):
pretty rough with it. Hey, Timmy, it's the it's the
man you thought was your dad, your whole life again.
Uh yeah, just I just want to let you know
that your mom and I need to take you off
our insurance seeing as you're no longer related to us.
Oh wait, even mom even Yeah, the woman you thought
was your mother is not your mother? Sorry wit what? Yeah?
(35:59):
But it was nice to get to know you, okay, tim?
And uh so that's the consultation we ran your insurance.
Turns out you ain't got none. Uh do you want
to do credit or cash? Your total here is yikes,
it's about the price of Frankly, it's a hundred and
thirty four thousand dollars. Wow. Well, I mean yeah, I
(36:21):
mean if you're gonna sell an Airloo and make sure
it's an expensive one, right so, uh yeah, I can
definitely get this. And I know the market price is
probably eighty grand for this piece right here, but I
gotta make a profit. So I'm looking at something. Maybe
you sell it to me for a hundred and twenty
oh thousand. Yeah, so you give me a grand and
I'll be able to get this off your hands. Oh no, no, no,
(36:43):
I need to get I need to walk away with
a net game game. It's like maybe a hundred and
thirty two. We're about to make. We just made a deal, buddy,
you're gonna do that. I'm gonna kick your fucking ask Well,
don't don't touch me. Don't touch me. You know what
I think I get the dog out of here that
just bites and rips. Sorry, Tim, Hi, Yeah, it's so funny, like,
(37:06):
are you work here but you're wearing shorts? All of
us are naked. Yeah, it's it's important that there's sometimes
um some employees. Well you see, I'm sorry coming through,
just coming through. I'm very very Tim. I'm sorry to
interrupt you, but I think your shorts are a little
too small. Anyways, what I mean these are these are
(37:30):
medium shorts. Hey fella, we can see your bifurcated Pennis.
Oh my god, yeah, they're so why we the shorts?
We can see the action? Tim. So I've been getting
some reports from people in the field and whatnot, as
well as some of the other colonists. And um, it
(37:50):
looks like we're gonna have to um, well, we're gonna
have to put you out just in the middle of
the sun for a little bit. Okay, I have I've
got pretty sensitive skin because I don't usually tan there,
so I just it goes straight to burning. So maybe
I can ease into it a couple of hours a
day for a couple of weeks. And whoa, those are
(38:13):
some burns. Mr. Yeah, I know it happened just here.
It's a sun burned. It's just more sensitive here because
I it was just turnover for me. If you whoa
two hands better than one's. Please don't make jokes about that.
I have a surgery that I'm supposed to have a
kiss a matter. No, it's not a joking. Matter. Are
(38:34):
you gonna put alo on? Or No? What's coming on? Mr?
That's col isn't it though? And Alo number two? Hey, Tim,
it's you're agent? Are you don bud? Thank god you calls.
It's been so long I haven't gotten any work. Yeah, listen,
I'm just calling to give you the heads up. This
(38:55):
is me as a friend. The titled Marvin MQ Marvin
Project that's supposed to be airing soon. Right, what's there?
They're doing some pickup shots at the new this calling
and you're now working at Oh that's perfect. I work here,
So they need you to leave or at least times
(39:18):
he can't be in the shot and would confuse people.
Is that Marvin behind you? Yeah? Can, He's got a
distinct voice. But look, look I'm waiting. Can you see
auscross the parking lot? Oh yeah, I'll just come over
by you guys. Don't don't come over here, don't come
over here. Oh okay, um, I've put this is my job.
(39:40):
I'm trying to save up for my no. No, but
well the tim good news looks like the there's been
a price reduction in the surgery. Oh god, this is
what I've been needing to hear. Bad news with that though,
is with the price reduction? Um, the normal doctors, surgeons
(40:01):
and medical professionals have I decided not to do it
based on the price point. So well you're going to have.
He's an orc, not the most of of surgeons, but
he's pretty good at holding small steady objects right, like
a like a scalpel, like Are you sure that he's
(40:23):
to hold a battle ax? That's him. That's him. You know,
I don't know if I want to spend the eighty
four thousand dollars unless I get the full fledge. Maybe
it's worth saving up for this surgery is gonna be
over in three seconds. If you said you can't let
Dorsax on me, doctor or dr or There's a young
(40:43):
woman here named Janet says you're her father. She wants
to have a word with you. Yeah, I think you're
my dad. Wow, what a world's converging. That's our show
for today. We've just got a cop of That's a
thank everybody. So let's begin, of course at Carlikowski. Thank
you so very much, Carla, and folks will look up
(41:06):
the West Side Comedy Theater online on Twitch and comedy
west Side Comedy Theater dot com for classes some top
by our very own Chris and Joey. Great, that's exciting,
Thank you, Thank you being here, James, he and you
who have you got there? And then I don't know
if you guys could hear it in the middle she
just started attacking uh, and it was I started attacking you.
(41:27):
Her owner actually started attacking my wife, who was trying
to be very quiet and sure, so I figured I
just needed to grab her and one more time name
if you could say her name slowly, Punkert like punk
and Kurt, but they only share one letter k. It's
so refreshing to get more information and have less understanding.
(41:53):
Thank you for being here, James christ Offer, thank you
so very much. Po welcome back to town. Thank you.
I would let's you just use my time really quickly
to ask James how that how the situation went down
a couple of weeks ago with the kids who were
drinking in front of you. Oh, well, they ended up
being uh of age, so they were full grown male adults. Uh.
And once we told them to leave, there was no confrontation.
(42:15):
I think the door like this with my shoulders kind
of pushed forward. That was just like, hey, you guys
can't drink here. And I closed the door, and I
shook and listened to hear if they stayed, and they
got they got gone. Sorry you shook and listen. Well, yeah,
I pressed my hair to the door to say I
(42:36):
wasn't gonna open the Yeah. And Joey Garret, thank you
so much. As always pound what color is James is hair.
It is a deep bright red deep and Craigs thank
you so much, as always, sir, my pleasure. And I
just sold my first nonfiction book, The James Cney Story.
(42:58):
More information, less under standing. I've just optioned it for
Major Motion Picture. Let's thank our producer and engineer to
the stars with Doug Baine. Five folks that I heart media.
They continue to write to us at your name here
atl dot com. I'm your host, Cavin Polic Until next time,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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