August 26, 2021 • 49 mins
Liam Neeson’s Banana Cabana
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode. Kevin pol did you listen?
You know that your ears are not what you've talked
to now, then if you understand me your ears. But
I digress. Let's be the rockham and shall we in
no particular order, Let's go to Jackie Hello, Hello, better
(00:28):
than all the rest and still humble. Tell us what
you need to get done before labor day? Well, weirdly,
we're less than a month from labor day. Yeah, which
is so crazy. Um, My husband and I are shooting
a short film Keep Talking in two weekends, so we
definitely have to get that done before labor day. Those
(00:50):
are big plans. Um. We were rewriting it. That's the
thing that we just keep tweaking it because we wanted
to speak more in you know. Yeah, you don't want
me acting, that's for sure. We're trying to rewrite it
so that you're like simultaneously at a tennis court and
(01:10):
tossing pizza and fishing and you can do all of that. Yep,
know how to use a phone booth? Please say hello
to Chris Anthony Alvarado too pretty to be funny. If
you're even more handsome, sixty year old self could come
back in in time and say anything to your current self.
(01:33):
What would it be? You don't need to be so afraid, beautiful,
you don't even so what are you so fucking afraid? Though?
Let's go do it. Just go make that short film,
you know what I mean, the fucking short Thank you.
Oh that's beautiful. I'm I'm no shoot now he's okay, Hey,
(01:59):
it's our Gagliardi. Hello, Django, Johnny Jim. Have you fired
a weapon? Uh? Yeah, fired just today? You know? Um
I fired when I was in high school. Uh, my
drama teacher taught me how to make a potato cannon,
which is amazing. You get a big length of PVC
(02:21):
pipe and you attach a slightly larger end of it
so it looks like a big medicine dropper. Then you
spray hairspray into it, kick the barbecue ignition lighter, and
the potato that you've loated in the other end will
shoot out at a velocity fast enough. We found out
to raise a barn that needed to be raised, so
we uh, we took down the walls of a building
(02:43):
with a potato gun. It was awesome, Okay, other than
just teaching all of our listeners how to do that?
May ask the follow up question, Sure, um, what was
your drama instructor doing teaching students to build weapons? Well,
my dramas ructor this is in Tennessee. We needed the wood, uh,
(03:06):
to make a set for the delightful play The Diviner's
a movie plus. So to get the wood, Uh, he
was like, we're gonna tear down this old barn um.
But if we're gonna do it, we might as well
have fun doing it. So he taught us all how
to use a potato cannon. Wow, he wins. And last,
(03:27):
but only burnt toast smells for you if you think
of least, it's Joey where fart stats Bratt to find
your core for us, I'll tell you my core one, two, three,
four or five, six, sevent eight, nine, ten, eleven twelve.
All right, that's somebody abbosite guy. And I'm not even
talking about the obliques. You know what I'm saying, because
when I get in there, when I do your emotional core,
(03:48):
if we could, I don't know, let's do the shoot.
See suggestions gathered for your listener emails. Yes, if you,
as a listener, would like to participate by email against
suggesting a scene suggestion, I personally will be grateful just
(04:10):
right to us at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com.
Or if you'd like to support the show by becoming
a Patriot member, head on over and get all them
special perks at patreon dot com. Slash Alchemy. This is
that email for listeners. Again is Alchemy. This seen one
(04:35):
comes from patroon Alchemy Inia Michael Russo, who wrote, Hey, James,
found my review and read it aloud. I am the
buttermilk Jones. You guys are great. Then he added, Hey, Kevin,
are these donuts for everyone? And then he added good evening, Kevin.
(04:55):
This may get a bit lengthy, so feel free to
edit as you see it as you he fit. A
while ago, I fell into a YouTube warmhole of comedy
clips and came across Avid of you doing imps impersonations
but only using one word to capture their essence, Liam
Neeson the one word bananas. So there it is my
scene suggestion, Liam Needson's banana cabana. Every banana I see
(05:20):
is a banana. Also, are these donuts for anyone? We're
still waiting on, Mr Neeson? Uh, can you just keep
an eye out at the front? Liam Neeson. Okay, We're
gonna need everyone to do a Liam Neeson. Okay, because
this is this is a grand opening of Liam Neeson's
Banana Cabana. Okay, so everyone needs to get the best
Leam Neeson we can be, okay for when Mr Neeson
(05:42):
comes in, he's expecting all of us to be Liam Neeson. Okay,
he's doing seven minutes. Then then then let's let's be ready.
You're gonna teach everyone to do him in that time. Now, rough,
I'm not gonna know. You were supposed to do this already.
That was in the handbook. If you don't already have
a Lee Nisan, what are you even doing here? Let's
hear yours banana? Great? That was great. It takes thank you.
(06:11):
It was really really good. He might need to be
an accent. I'm not coming from it's so deep. It's
from the heart because I love him so much. I
actually I'm not qualified for this job at all. Um.
My uncle's best friend's son found out how much I
love Willam Neeson and he hooked me up. So what
(06:33):
do you what do you mean qualifier for this joff? Well,
meaning that I've a service experience, No know what the
fun makes chance I have his babysitting. What, oh my god. Okay,
al right, well then just just just make sure bread
all girls, yeah, all girls, okay, okay, just just just
(06:55):
restock bread. Just restock bread, the banana bread, restocked the
nana bread. Okay. When people are out here in the sun,
they're gonna want their banana bread, so just bring it out. Okay, yeah, okay, yeah,
I mean, don't worry. I've got this. What do I mean,
don't worry? Ralph doesn't know how to do with Liam Neeson.
You're not a server. I think if Ralph deep, like
(07:16):
dug deep into his heart, he can find one. Let
me try. Nan Oh, it's a little Oh that was
really really bad. And if you do that in front
of Liam Neeson, you're doing the same thing. Excuse me?
Is this no longer in olive garn? No, it's not. No,
(07:38):
it's not This is a Liam Neeson's banana cabana. What
the hell is that? Well? I'm glad. Is there unlimited
bread stick? There was unlimited banana bread, but only for
the people at the cabana by the pool. Howney, Let's
just stay, let's stay. But we always eat it Olive Garden.
I was trying to take my wife out for an
anniversary dinner. Well, then this would be a perfect place.
Why not something so romantic as Liam Neeson's Banana Cabana. Mr,
(08:00):
you said unlimited banana breathon? Alright, Dad, I love you
by ship. It's bad. What happened. I think my parents.
I think they simultaneously have gotten dementia or something simultaneously. Look,
it's Thursday night, right, Yep, Thursay night. Is there all
(08:23):
of Garden night? Ryan? I usually get him a call,
just tell I love you. I always say, like, you know,
like unlimited or you know whatever, and Alfred a sauce
and they've just kind of gone off the deep end.
Will give me one reason? Do you sense that they
said they were at This makes me emotional because it's
(08:44):
like so fucking crazy they're at the Olive. It would
be different they said, like we were at like the
Olive restaurant or like the Mediterranean dinner. But that yeah, yeah, yeah,
they said they were at Lean Neeson's. Welcome to Liam
Neeson's Banana Rama Banana banana ban No, it's Liam Neeson's
(09:07):
banana cavana. Um. Sorry, I'm training um, welcome to Liam
Neeson's Banana Bandit. Okay, welcome, Listen Neeson Devin, Okay, it's okay.
I'm just training, but I'm doing great, Honey, you're doing
greats don't say that. Okay, Oh goodness. If if this
was a garden, we'd already be at the salad bar.
(09:30):
We're having a new experience. We said we wanted to
experience new things. Does everything on the menu have on
banana compouent? I mean, like I knew they were losing
it because my dad thought that the all garden has
a uh salad bar, you know, And I was like,
so he was certain to slip already. You know, if
they don't have it, they don't have that bear never did.
My name is Stacy, and I've got a very particular
(09:50):
set of skills to serve you up very well tonight.
Oh thank you. That was good. Are you enjoying it
here at Liam Neeson's Banana Cabana now? Is it all like?
Is it all taking references? Or are you all is
there like Schindler's list uff going on tour? There's some
(10:12):
of that were we taste all we get a taste
of all of his movies as well as all of
these delicious bana trees sell. Leave these menus here for
you and I'll be back. Sure. He's calling, Hey Dad, Wait,
Liam's there with you. He's saying, Liam's there's not with
Liam Neeson. I'll put it on speaker dead. Are you there?
(10:37):
He says he has a very particular set of skills. Mom,
are you okay? I'm fine, Honey. We're at Liam Neeson's
Banana Cabana and he said he's there now, Liam Neeson,
he's right here in the honey, are you okay? Are
you guys okay? Asking deep fried plantains as an appetizer.
Hold on, I just just have to have two of
these plantains. Well, okay, then put on Liam sent I'm
(11:00):
so sorry. This is weird nor Hyeah. Hello, Hello. I
don't know who you are, but those are my parents, okay,
and obviously who you are. But you've got a long
(11:23):
I've got a long list of people and you might
be on it, and I hope that you're not. Say something.
Say something, just so it's good to save them all.
I'm gonna try. Some of them will already be dead,
but some of them are going to live. Don't kill
(11:43):
my parents, Mr Nason, what so, yes, m I'm here
to actually have them have a wonderful time at my
banana cabana. Very good times and delicious food. Right, it's good. Okay,
thank you so much. Oh my gosh, thank you, thank you.
But dude, what the fuck? I guess they're okay, that's
(12:07):
the good news. But what was that salad par thing
all about? Finn? Yeah, see that's a good point. I
don't know. It all sounds so good. Can you read
the specials one more time? I can, um, but I'm
just gonna say, like, I can't do any more phone calls. Honestly,
I just sweat so much I had to switch my beauniform.
(12:30):
And we don't have that many in my size. You're
very tiny. You need to eat something? Do you not
eat the banana bread? Doesn't eat the banana bread? Two
baskets already and I'm getting full? Don't up? Delicious? Can
we can we take some to go? If we if
we want? Can we just can we get the banana bread?
(12:50):
And in one of those, um, I could have saved
one more bags. Absolutely, thank you. Throw that in there
for you, and I'll read you the specials just one
more time. We've got a very dangerous bananas. And also
and also hi, Kurt yep, Kurt Fambler. Hi. Uh, it's
(13:17):
come to our attention. I don't know, okay, it's come
to our attention that I might not be okay okay,
and that you might be the only individual who has
the skills to save me. I have a certain set
all right, and uh I I'm here to ask you
for that help. Who sent you a friend of ours,
(13:37):
mutual friend. You might know him Tim, That's exactly. Yeah,
you met with him a couple of days ago. He
was talking about leave Neeson was like correct, and he
said he would give you a certain words said to
me and then I would know your spaghetti feet. Wow,
that's it was the big surprise. It was tour what
was a hyphen? I assume that. But anyways, how can
(13:59):
I help? I need um, I need you to rob
roy me okay and and today yeah, okay, okay, all right, free,
all right, defl full of socks kilts, Yeah, Mace's long
(14:23):
swords your name, all right? I just need you to
pain in advance and of course ready to go six
seventy six eighty six ninety just tell one to stop
so you're saying Olive Garden never had a salad bar. No, honey,
(14:46):
all of Garden's never had a salad bar. Maybe it's
a Mandela effect thing going on. I just remember being
at a salad bar, right and Olive Garden. Honey. I'm
I'm getting a little worried about you. You know, I
had a I had a long talk with our sun
yesterday and um, which one off? It's the taller one
(15:08):
of the two. Yeah, I can say, yeah it. Well,
now this is all I can think about. Some more
banana bread. How is everything going for you all? It's great,
it's great. Please no no more banana bread. I realized
that I finished. I finished. I topped out that last basket.
But I don't need any of course. Yeah, we just
we just want to make sure that just in case
you want it, that's right here, Lamnissance in a cabana.
(15:32):
I actually I have to apologize to you guys. I
just remembered that um Liam Neeson is in love actually,
and that I should have been doing an accent this
whole time, and I have to apologize. I we also
want to say we are so we will comp the meal.
We will comp the entire meal because it's her first day.
(15:54):
She's so good. I mean, if my parents are said
a good place, maybe I should go there and celebrate.
I mean I want to see Liam Neeson. Would you
want to meet Liam Neeson? Yes? Yes, yes, let's go. Hey,
you're not just my like my stone or pal. You
were like we could do like outdoor stuff? You know,
should we walk? Should we uber? How should we get there? Yeah?
I'll call use an uber? Okay, cool? Because I got
(16:15):
a skateboard. No I know, but that'd be hello uber?
How can I help you? Hi? There? I would let
to schedule a car please, okay? From where to wear?
From my location to Liam Neeson. I thought maybe you
could see it somehow. I'm on the phone, so I
can't see that, okay. Um, try to try to up
(16:37):
sell them to a luxury car. Do you want to
go in a ship box? No? No, at you up
to a luxury car? Then? Okay? Can I just give you?
I like how you did that? I like you do
like that? Daddy? I'm sorry, go ahead, go ahead, Okay,
(16:57):
I got you for a luxury said Dan. I got
two cars, one following the other. All right, sen, one
has only seen one Mommy, make it stop. Fuck. Seen
two comes from from listener Andrew, who simply wrote, hike
Kevin and Alchemy crew. If you're reading this on air,
(17:21):
I'm probably having a panic attack because I'll feel personally
responsible for whatever happens next. Oh don't don't do that, Andrew.
You literally have nothing to do with what's about to happen.
I cannot. I'm not sure I can handle it. We'll
see scene suggestion. People who feel superior for shunning social
media now struggle to organize, coordinate something without it. Cheers Andrew, Andrew,
(17:45):
that was awesome. I'm just so is this nice? We
get together, we we grill, right, we're just talking food.
This is good, feels like it's happening. Feels like we're
doing it because it is. Yeah, because it is, because
(18:05):
it is. Yes, right, we're taking photos. We're just showing
each other those fun and look at that. Look at
hashtag fun. Sorry sorry, I don't know why I said hashtag.
It's just fun. It's just just fun. Dude, you're having fun?
Is that what you meantime? I'm having fun? Okay, that's
a spirit? Can I get you another? Low brow? Hold on?
(18:29):
Is a sponsored post? I feel like I feel like
you called him Tom and that's his I g handle
because Barry called him Luke and that's working. My real
name's alright, it's all right, we're all we're all we're
all off. We're all off social media. Okay, we're off.
We're offline and TV unplugged him right acoustic acoustic. I
(18:49):
can still breathe, I can still laugh. Yeah, fun I
was the first to get Tom on Instagram? So cool?
All right? Who was the guy who was that? My
space is my space Tom? Yes? Yes, it was Hello, Hello, Hello,
there are burgers ready to eat and now here and
now so quick little thing? Um funk? I burned myself? Fuck? Yeah,
(19:13):
you can't. You put your hand right on the grill. Great?
What do I do? What do I do? How do
I be here? Just just just own it? Feel it,
let's feel it, look it up, look up? How to heel?
We said no? No. Internet today you could ask a
question on Facebook. Somebody asked a cooky question. Internet today,
you can hand funny just to hank us, ask us
(19:37):
what do I do? What do I do? Okay? Doesn't
that feel better? You ask people? You have mind? Hand
ice is good? Put your head in the cooler, put
your hand in the cooler, and the cooler there were going.
What we what do we learn? Buddy? Skin is fulling off? Yeah,
skins coming right off in the just oh my god,
(20:05):
oh god. Hey how about that sporting event that was recent? Yeah, yeah,
that was a good good it unfolded. Baby, I can't
go to the party. I can't go to the bar
because I can't show up like this. What do you
You're fine? What do you mean you can't show up
like this? Look at your what? Look at your own honey? Sorry,
(20:33):
Alexa is offline like in my real phase. Honey, do
you do you realize what just happened? You do you
just buffered? What you just you just buffered in real life? Yeah,
you stopped for half a second, froze, a little wheel,
(20:56):
spun spun in front of you, and then you came
right back in in the end of a sentence that
I didn't even hear the last part of you are right.
We cannot go to this barbecue if you're buffering. I
am the internet. If I am the Internet, Why is
my chin this large? Why is my nose not tiny?
Why are my eyes not huge? Why don't I look
(21:19):
the way that I do when I look at myself
on my phone. These are the questions. These are the
questions that you ask yourself in the moment that you
realize that you, in fact are the Internet. What can
I say? I want what I want, and I want
my fake face. I want my make face. Your face
is wonderful. I love your face. I love your real face. Face. Yes,
(21:42):
this face, this face. I turned into the Internet and
my face didn't even follow. What was that the front door?
O god, I thought you were interneting again. Hold on,
there's just please don't please, don't manifest as the Internet
(22:05):
while I answer the door. I think I'm always the Internet.
Now this will Hello, Hey, I got every single box
from Amazon here. Just want to drop it off? Yeah,
I guess. Just put it. Put it in the put
it in the front closet, every single box, every single
from I want to go inside and drop in your
(22:26):
front clothes. But I'm just going to drop it on
every single box from which order over. Now we're good. Well,
we're good. Every single box from Amazon. Oh my god,
this is because you're the Internet. Every single box rubber right,
I mean, of course, I love this is thin? This
(22:48):
is or is it thick? I'm not sure this was
not in our vows. That's what this is. Okay, okay,
So what's what's happening is you're not picking up and
I go row row row. You're about then you go
and row row row your boat. Okay, guys, I'm so cool. Guys.
(23:09):
We can have fun. We're having fun. I'm having fun.
This is great, this is the best. He's not having fun.
But I think we have to carry on. I've turned.
This is what we this is how, this is, this
is fun. Let's just let's let's just be m T
arrived on the scene and found this guy in this
(23:31):
kind of pain and go online, just go online and
that No, no, we made a funk. We made a
twelve hour commitment. Everybody, we made a twelin. If we
can't keep our commitments, what the funk are we? That's
exactly right. Our commitments are more important than your shredding
skin hashtag commitment. I mean, Luke, shit, fuck, you're gonna
(23:52):
have to leave. You're gonna have to fucking leave, take
your skin and give funk out. I'm gonna log off, buddy.
You're right here with us. Look at me. I'm right
in front of you. You don't have to log. Okay,
the only log I need from you is some poop.
(24:13):
Why did you say that? Honey? Look, I don't know
if we're gonna be able to go to this barbecue
now they said specifically no internet, and before I thought
I couldn't go because my face doesn't look right. Oh
my god, it's still about Look I want to walk up.
Come here, Come here, Look in the mirror. Look in
(24:33):
this mirror, right here. Tell me what you see monster, No,
you're not, I'll tell you what. I'm so close to
looking right, so close. Oh, you've been so close to
looking right in every photo you've ever taken. So close.
And look, this is the face that I fell in
love with, this one right here in the mirror? Are
you hey? Excuse me? I was still I could get
(24:55):
born here. Yeah, I mean you could literally ask me anything.
But yeah, if you need porn? Are you from Amazon?
Are you one of those Amazon guys? Just get Oh,
for God's sake, redhead p o V. Teeth for cash,
teeth for cash, tuning your teeth, teeth for cash. I'm
(25:21):
sorry to interrupt, Mr Google, but something is terribly wrong
with the Internet. What could possible may be wrong? It
seems everything has been routed there. There's no more internet. Really,
everything has just stopped online. From what our last data
was telling us, it's been pinpointed right here to this house.
(25:44):
Whose house is that? Well, it's it's a couple. Uh,
it's uh, it's it's Ryan and uh Sarah Kroger not
not the not the supermarket Empire. But that's dig deeper.
It's not really them, Okay, t deeper. Do you want
(26:07):
to just tell what's going on or finds? Okay, al right,
I believe it's Elon Musk. Just keep just keep Oh
my gosh, I know you popped down under the blanket.
HOLI I think it's I think this is okay, just
not the same thing too down further. Alright, Look, look
(26:32):
if I use the phone a landline, that is an internet,
so I will call you an ambulance. That's great from
the landline. This is great. This is problem solving. We
didn't need to look it up. He's unconscious, all right,
we can still help. Should we be live streaming this?
But what does he have a landline? This is his house.
(26:52):
I mean, let's just go inside. There's gotta be one somewhere.
Let's just look, where would it be, Alexa, we're the landlord?
Are you my dad? Are you my daddy? What's this?
Who the fund is it? What? Why is this a
smoky in here? Kid? Are you smoking? Uh? Huh? Okay,
(27:15):
do you know where the phone is? Follow me? Okay, wait,
I don't think this is a good idea. I don't either.
I'm so scared follow this kid through the smoke. Okay,
are you gonna have to get in your hands? And
anath and Crlton? It's cool? Alright? What the do Dan
doing here? Side? What? What? What? What the fund? Was
(27:36):
Dan doing that? Did anybody know he had a kid? No?
I don't know anything about him? Its just dad, Yeah, yeah,
he's out front or in the back. I mean he's
in them. Are we gonna stop this? We gotta stop this.
We've got to use the internet. No no, no, no, no,
no no no. Show us what the phone is, Show
us what the phone? Okay, all right, we're just gonna
(27:58):
climb up this cheat on. Oh, I'll start treating you
know what, Sarah? You know what. I love you the
way you are, and I know all of our friends
love you the way they are. And rules be damned.
Let's go to that barbecue me and my wife the Internet. God,
(28:20):
I love you so fucking mind. I love you so
fucking much. Come on, how much I love you? Ver?
Please air air? What are all these sun Is that
(28:44):
y'all have a dial up modem? What's going on? That
is seen too? A buddy Boy three comes from patron
I P. Boots ring G Hi that Kevin, here's a
(29:05):
suggestion flashlight enthusiasts. Enthusiasts and flashlight enthusiasts have booked their
conference on the same weekend. Now, Boots follow that up
with Hi, Kevin, I accept that the last suggestion wasn't good,
but neither is this one. And then it's a suggestion
(29:26):
about James heeney Um, so yeah, so we're going with
the flashlight Kevin. Kevin, you read you always every few
episodes because there's like you can go through them, you
can reply thinks so much not this time. And I
always think if I read the patron v I P
(29:46):
s and they are are just ill advised and and
should be thrown in the trash heap, then I'm going
to get feedback. And that's what you've allowed, and I
appreciate that. Alright, Flashlight and flashlight conferences. Double. The great
thing about this flashlight is that it actually um floats
in the water as well. So if you're in some
(30:09):
kind of storm and obviously use power and you need light,
but oh my gosh, now there's a bunch of water
for the flashlights. Quick question, how do we fuck that? Yeah?
Where do we put our dicks in that flashlight? Tell them?
So this flashlight takes to where do they put their dukes? Um?
(30:31):
I would say that you keep them in your pants
and then you um pressed this button to just ignite.
All right, we're getting swamped here. Okay. As a medical staff,
we were we were not told this was going to
be going about. Look, there's a lot of guys out
there who are getting battery burn on the huas. Okay,
(30:54):
was a man who the giant? Okay, son, now it's
time for the talk of the birds at the beach.
All right. Now, I've withheld this from you for a
number of years due to our strong religious beliefs. But
(31:15):
you must know what what a man's business is called. Okay,
all right, it's called a who ha Okay, mind, yeah,
that's your who haa that you're touching right now. And
what is a lady. What is a lady? Doesn't happ anything?
(31:42):
A man has a who haleman has nothing that a
congregation needs to know that the Bible might have information
that is reserve breach. Do you see what just came
(32:03):
out his mouth? Baby? Is that all babies are made
like Dana. I know this is your first Vegas events, um,
and I think you're doing great. But what are we
trying to do here? So I'm trying to Oh you
tell me well, you well, I hope we're on the
(32:23):
same page. You're trying to sell these flashlights, right, yes, okay,
So when you're giving the information about the floating good,
talking about battery life, good, good, wattage, led, all good words.
Have all of those words in my in my personal
lexicon of words that I use. I am so sorry.
(32:46):
Mr Humphries. Yeah, the credit card for the room you
have at the Blago before you come on, Give you
one second, just answer the questions whenever they asked give
him an answer? Do you um sorry you were saying
the credit card was declined again? What you know what?
(33:07):
It's good because I wanted to pay cash anyway, we
need a credit card now? Have um? Okay? Which one
did I give you with what were the last four
and that four digits? Yeah, it was the last four cards,
because I'm not sure you're gonna be able to stay
at the belas well. This is my business. Actually, you
(33:30):
see that. I'm a business owner. You see her, she
works for me. So like I got income coming in,
I could just pay cash. It would be really helpful
to clean the room. Yes, sir, we're gonna be switching
you out. And from what it looks like from the
balled up pieces of paper right there, it looks like
(33:50):
you've got six dollars in total. You want to pay
the room for six dollars. A lot has changed because
I didn't realize this is all happening in my m D. Now,
this little baby here is state of the art. And
you'll notice as I hit the on button here and okay,
(34:12):
I am not getting any light out of that. The
batteries need to be changed. Just have to unscrew the
bottom here and all it takes, ladies and gentlemen's four
D batteries. Four quick, get it, heynger, Quit hogging it alright, Marines.
(34:38):
When I when I say go, give me to just
to push up who that means dick. Yeah, just you
gotta touch it. When you say I gotta give it
a gotta, you gotta give it a light touch. When
you say it means stick. Did you know that it doesn't?
We say who rah Here sir, the Marines, we say
(35:06):
who rack. No, sir, you're gonna get so now you're
gonna get bush poster. You called me. You all called
me a poster. You're all gonna get. You're all gonna
get your ask Know that guy who called you out,
Thank you, everybody, thank you. I know I'm gonna answer
(35:26):
all your questions right now. Nobody gonna eat until he
solved this. Probably okay, that the question. I'm trying to
get to the sound buffet. There are two conferences going
on at the same time. Which one the flashlights right
(35:48):
and the flashlight saying the same thing? Difference, honey, I
think he's saying the same thing. What's the difference? Who
who ra? And boo yah who ha? Okay, okay, alright?
Is this banana bread unlimited? You know what? Stick your
(36:09):
things wherever you want to put them, all right, put
whatever you got. A woman and you've got nothing, you
can't put anything out. It's just nothing is that true.
I am so I'm so sorry to interrupted sir. Mr Humphreys,
can't tet you for a second. You're supposed to be
working in the kitchen. Okay, you're paying off the room.
(36:30):
You're paying off the room. All right, we don't need
it here oh here? So what were you saying? Don't
tell me over here? Okay, sorry, sir, I know you're
my boss now, I'm just not used to this. What
happened to my assistant Diana? I don't know she had
my booth. The last thing we know she signed up
at the marine stand at the Blago ship. Okay, okay,
(36:58):
we need those salads that come now. We're one of
the Choplin Seeson. So you want to open another Bandanna
Cambana in Vegas? Yeah yeah, we we feel now is
the time to dry. I've been told that we're losing
money on all the ones that we've put out there
all but you know, you gotta try. You can't be
(37:19):
in it if you plan on winning it. This is
this is my name and my my my likely that
you've sold it. So yeah, I'm so sorry. They Larry,
this is my dad. He's sick. You're not talking to
Lilliam Neeson. I'm Liam Neeson is sound like him a
(37:42):
very particular set of skill, Okay, ask him, then ask
him if this a salad bar off garden? Hey, Mr Neeson,
is do you have even know if there's a salad
bar at the olive garden? There is a salad bar
at all of garden? First, see what I tell you
what you're dad? Yeah, the first thing you do when
you get there is you you grab a plate and
(38:03):
you go straight to the salad bar. I mean, and
you say keep those breadsticks coming. He does pretty good,
That's the thing. I mean, you could. I mean, he's
got good credit and good ideas. If you want to
get in the business with him, just go ah, Okay,
let's see where this goes. Okay. So the first thing, then,
uh Ms Mason, is that I get the just go
to the salad bar and get a plate. Just go
(38:24):
to the salad bar and get a plate. And do
I need any sort of special skills for that? You
need a very particular set of skills. Okay. So do
I get this water bottle here even if I don't
sign up with the Marines, and I still get to
keep the water bottle here? You're gonna keep the water
balls or gift to you. Awesome? Okay, great, thank you
(38:46):
so much. This is awesome even if I don't you know,
so what, I don't have a job. I have. I
haven't water bottle, that's my own. Excuse me, you're gonna
you're gonna stick your dick in it. Put you. You're
talking to me like that, son, Get out of the ground.
Marine kick kick You're strong man. I like that. I
(39:12):
want to be like that. Join the Marines. Okay, double dogs, Yeah,
I'm gonna do it. I couldn't join the double Dog done?
Is that it? You got? You got quiet and like
a little wheel started spitting in front of Okay, I'm
the Internet, all right, so listen, uh Connor. I'm digging
(39:39):
the design and the ideas and the forward thinking. I
just let me just get a couple of questions. Is
the necessity of a light for I understand? Just? Is
it just to play on words on flashlight? Is that
why you're calling it flashlight? You are you? Are you questioning? Connor?
Is that what it is? Con And it's design choices?
(40:02):
As you know, marketing pretty much drives the world. So
you come up with this great design. We just have
a problem with the name. I don't d it's just
to play on flashlight, that's it. Yes, the whole point
is to play on flashlight. Flashlight. Flashlight English my first language.
And I noticed right, because we can't call it a
jack off machine. I understand exactly a flash light. But
(40:23):
it's just because of the shape of it. Look at
the shape. Does you know what? Does the shape remind
you of? What we're going to call them? Dick tubes? Notes,
it's a flashlight. It's cute. It's a cute name for
a thing. Yeah, is that what we want out there
on the marketplace? Cute names? That's not enough cute sex toys.
(40:44):
But my patent is for human flesh to make light.
I don't understand. Well, too bad. I'll see you in
the code room five minutes. We're not probably not talk
to the other party. Were talking to each other. I
thought I was to be able to comprom by something.
I mean, my technology can actually make human skin light.
You're going to handle it in the courtroom. Don't speaking
(41:07):
of handling things, do you want to assume me? Still?
Why don't you just try this? Take this, try it?
See what you're doin Walter, don't as your lawyer, I
don't try. Don't try. You help me? Huh? When the
hell have you helped me? Huh? I've been trying for months. Daddy.
You could have put your hoho on that, babe. How
(41:28):
did the how the trial go? The case? Well? I, um,
I just fought my dad and he knocked me out.
And where's Oliver? He took our play with you. I
forgot to bring him back. And did you win the case?
(41:51):
That chet said? Um making flesh actually illuminate or project
lumins or whatever the phrase. I'm so funked up from
the head. You're dead knocked you outed me out. I
lost a lesson on the judge. Do you want to
have sex? No? I don't want to have sexual. I
just want to what you never not want to have?
(42:13):
I don't want to have sex. I want to take
a bath. Okay, you've never taken a bath and it's
twenty four years we've been married. Good, we're starting, all right.
I just want to soap. You never said I want
to soap. I got knocked out like that? Who's my lawyer?
(42:33):
What the hell is this? This is about the porn
I asked for today? Oh? Maybe sometimes there's a sweet spot,
even though the suggestion is that you work with it,
and uh, you get there. And we got there and
I'm thrilled and I love you all and I want
(42:54):
to thank Jackie Gonzalez first and foremost for making magic
with us. Thank you, thank you for having me in,
and thank you Craig for showing me really actually what
Liam Neson sounds like. And it was eye opening, was helpful,
(43:18):
lot of inventory online to also, Yeah, it's it's in
the moment he lost you know. I was like, oh, yeah,
I know what he's not. It is. It's a little
growling and a little little nailed for someone from Ireland,
(43:42):
and there's not quite enough. There's more gravity. Oh, Chris,
he is in Star Wars just so you know. Ye
what is the play Chebacca? Come on, respect, he's the
original chipback with the Little Boy. He's in the Anti Menace. Yes,
little ankin quig Gin. Oh yeah, quig on Gin. He
(44:05):
lives on the Moons. Come on, dude, you don't cut
just say oh, that's interesting. I didn't know that. You
don't gotta do this or say it's not interesting. I
didn't know either. It's interesting. Thank you and thank you, Jackie,
thank you, thank you any more you sut of the
machine to your left the bike, Yes, yes, yes, I
(44:30):
read the bike many times a week. I love face. No,
I'll take no. She's lying outside actually, Joey the other day. Yeah,
I called her and she was like, I'm on the
bike and I was like beating heavy. I was like,
I am on the bike sometimes listen to something, but
she was literally on the road. No, stationary bike outside
(44:52):
is the best. Yeah, that's the new it. Thank you,
Mark Gag Yeah, thanks buddy, thank you. This is always
a delight and it's so wonderful to see everybody's faces.
I still love the fake background. It's the greatest. Yeah,
so homie. And actually I just turned around with a
camera and took a picture of my apartment from this
(45:12):
point of view, and then I had it um I
uploaded it as a zoom background. Yeah, so smart home
right now. It doesn't matter what your place looks like,
even if you were you could put that up exactly. Yeah,
super cool, super chill and thank you, thank you. Uh
the name of the podcast again please for everybody. We
got this with Mark and how that's checking out on
(45:35):
Max Fun all right, Greig Atkowski. Yeah, I'd love to,
uh if if you can indulge me, I would love
to point out the difference in the portrayal of Zeus
and Clash of the Titans between Lords Olivia and Liam Neeson,
because Laurence Olivia and the original Clash of the Titans
famously gave a line reading where he said, at least
(45:57):
they're cracking. Uh. Imply that as Zeus, he has several
beasts at his disposal, ready to go at any moment,
and for this particular job, the kracking is the one
who needs to be used. And Liam Neesa changed the
light ring to release the crack. Huh. I emphasizing release,
(46:19):
implied that what he does is every day he just
gives a series of orders of things to do to
the C. Yeah, the C called the crashing. All right,
So we've learned something very helpful and important today, and
(46:39):
I thank you for that, and thank god Carla for
making a cameo earlier. Much appreciated Chris Alvarado. Yeah, quick thing,
quick thing. I went to Costly yesterday alone and got
some girly good stuff. But I also bought um this
French bread. Uh. Pano chuck a lot and it's just
a little chocolate rolls of bread and that's not healthy.
(47:01):
And I had tomatoes and bananas and had everything, um,
all set to be a good boy. And then I
ended up eating six of the eight rolls last night
and this morning, and this morning I took the other
two in my car before I went surfing. I've had
I haven't had anything else. But I'm not kidding. Yeah,
(47:22):
kind of like that, but they're not actually it's not
actually I think it's actually more like a chocolate. It's
like a it's like a roll friends, like like a no,
like a like a like a Hawaiian roll soft with
two little things there. Sounds delicious, but all eight I
haven't had a vegetable. I haven't had anything. Here's here's
the good news. Crap, you're talking about it. If you
(47:43):
did all that and didn't say a word, we'd have
a problem. You're talking about it. You know what's up? Yeah,
you have a moment. It's had a moment, had a
food moment, and now you've shared, and now you you
sit your butt on that toilet until things happened. I know,
but I have eight more. I'll be there in twenty minutes. Yeah,
(48:07):
that's right. I'll be there in twenty minutes. Yes, Joey Greer,
thank you for stopping by. We appreciate most of what
you do, you know, I and I thank you, and
I appreciate you saying that. I just want to let
people know if they want to know what's really going
on and they want to kind of access their third
eye and you know, get on a higher level of consciousness.
(48:28):
Check out my TikTok okay God bless chim Chum, God bless.
But he posts them on Instagram and I'm a big fan.
All right, there's an endorsement testimonial there. It is. This
is the TikTok you want to be following. For sure.
I am your father. Who's that? Joey's my dad, that's right,
(48:51):
and he's got your nose. All right. Let's thank all
of you and Doug Bam our producer to the stars,
fine folks that I hurt media. I'm your host, Kevin
Polk thanking each and every damn one of you so
very very much for giving a good gush darn for
these proceedings. And stay involved even when you can tell
everyone you've ever met, and remember, be kind to each
(49:13):
other until next time,
Welcome back to another episode. Kevin pol did you listen?
You know that your ears are not what you've talked
to now, then if you understand me your ears. But
I digress. Let's be the rockham and shall we in
no particular order, Let's go to Jackie Hello, Hello, better
(00:28):
than all the rest and still humble. Tell us what
you need to get done before labor day? Well, weirdly,
we're less than a month from labor day. Yeah, which
is so crazy. Um, My husband and I are shooting
a short film Keep Talking in two weekends, so we
definitely have to get that done before labor day. Those
(00:50):
are big plans. Um. We were rewriting it. That's the
thing that we just keep tweaking it because we wanted
to speak more in you know. Yeah, you don't want
me acting, that's for sure. We're trying to rewrite it
so that you're like simultaneously at a tennis court and
(01:10):
tossing pizza and fishing and you can do all of that. Yep,
know how to use a phone booth? Please say hello
to Chris Anthony Alvarado too pretty to be funny. If
you're even more handsome, sixty year old self could come
back in in time and say anything to your current self.
(01:33):
What would it be? You don't need to be so afraid, beautiful,
you don't even so what are you so fucking afraid? Though?
Let's go do it. Just go make that short film,
you know what I mean, the fucking short Thank you.
Oh that's beautiful. I'm I'm no shoot now he's okay, Hey,
(01:59):
it's our Gagliardi. Hello, Django, Johnny Jim. Have you fired
a weapon? Uh? Yeah, fired just today? You know? Um
I fired when I was in high school. Uh, my
drama teacher taught me how to make a potato cannon,
which is amazing. You get a big length of PVC
(02:21):
pipe and you attach a slightly larger end of it
so it looks like a big medicine dropper. Then you
spray hairspray into it, kick the barbecue ignition lighter, and
the potato that you've loated in the other end will
shoot out at a velocity fast enough. We found out
to raise a barn that needed to be raised, so
we uh, we took down the walls of a building
(02:43):
with a potato gun. It was awesome, Okay, other than
just teaching all of our listeners how to do that?
May ask the follow up question, Sure, um, what was
your drama instructor doing teaching students to build weapons? Well,
my dramas ructor this is in Tennessee. We needed the wood, uh,
(03:06):
to make a set for the delightful play The Diviner's
a movie plus. So to get the wood, Uh, he
was like, we're gonna tear down this old barn um.
But if we're gonna do it, we might as well
have fun doing it. So he taught us all how
to use a potato cannon. Wow, he wins. And last,
(03:27):
but only burnt toast smells for you if you think
of least, it's Joey where fart stats Bratt to find
your core for us, I'll tell you my core one, two, three,
four or five, six, sevent eight, nine, ten, eleven twelve.
All right, that's somebody abbosite guy. And I'm not even
talking about the obliques. You know what I'm saying, because
when I get in there, when I do your emotional core,
(03:48):
if we could, I don't know, let's do the shoot.
See suggestions gathered for your listener emails. Yes, if you,
as a listener, would like to participate by email against
suggesting a scene suggestion, I personally will be grateful just
(04:10):
right to us at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com.
Or if you'd like to support the show by becoming
a Patriot member, head on over and get all them
special perks at patreon dot com. Slash Alchemy. This is
that email for listeners. Again is Alchemy. This seen one
(04:35):
comes from patroon Alchemy Inia Michael Russo, who wrote, Hey, James,
found my review and read it aloud. I am the
buttermilk Jones. You guys are great. Then he added, Hey, Kevin,
are these donuts for everyone? And then he added good evening, Kevin.
(04:55):
This may get a bit lengthy, so feel free to
edit as you see it as you he fit. A
while ago, I fell into a YouTube warmhole of comedy
clips and came across Avid of you doing imps impersonations
but only using one word to capture their essence, Liam
Neeson the one word bananas. So there it is my
scene suggestion, Liam Needson's banana cabana. Every banana I see
(05:20):
is a banana. Also, are these donuts for anyone? We're
still waiting on, Mr Neeson? Uh, can you just keep
an eye out at the front? Liam Neeson. Okay, We're
gonna need everyone to do a Liam Neeson. Okay, because
this is this is a grand opening of Liam Neeson's
Banana Cabana. Okay, so everyone needs to get the best
Leam Neeson we can be, okay for when Mr Neeson
(05:42):
comes in, he's expecting all of us to be Liam Neeson. Okay,
he's doing seven minutes. Then then then let's let's be ready.
You're gonna teach everyone to do him in that time. Now, rough,
I'm not gonna know. You were supposed to do this already.
That was in the handbook. If you don't already have
a Lee Nisan, what are you even doing here? Let's
hear yours banana? Great? That was great. It takes thank you.
(06:11):
It was really really good. He might need to be
an accent. I'm not coming from it's so deep. It's
from the heart because I love him so much. I
actually I'm not qualified for this job at all. Um.
My uncle's best friend's son found out how much I
love Willam Neeson and he hooked me up. So what
(06:33):
do you what do you mean qualifier for this joff? Well,
meaning that I've a service experience, No know what the
fun makes chance I have his babysitting. What, oh my god. Okay,
al right, well then just just just make sure bread
all girls, yeah, all girls, okay, okay, just just just
(06:55):
restock bread. Just restock bread, the banana bread, restocked the
nana bread. Okay. When people are out here in the sun,
they're gonna want their banana bread, so just bring it out. Okay, yeah, okay, yeah,
I mean, don't worry. I've got this. What do I mean,
don't worry? Ralph doesn't know how to do with Liam Neeson.
You're not a server. I think if Ralph deep, like
(07:16):
dug deep into his heart, he can find one. Let
me try. Nan Oh, it's a little Oh that was
really really bad. And if you do that in front
of Liam Neeson, you're doing the same thing. Excuse me?
Is this no longer in olive garn? No, it's not. No,
(07:38):
it's not This is a Liam Neeson's banana cabana. What
the hell is that? Well? I'm glad. Is there unlimited
bread stick? There was unlimited banana bread, but only for
the people at the cabana by the pool. Howney, Let's
just stay, let's stay. But we always eat it Olive Garden.
I was trying to take my wife out for an
anniversary dinner. Well, then this would be a perfect place.
Why not something so romantic as Liam Neeson's Banana Cabana. Mr,
(08:00):
you said unlimited banana breathon? Alright, Dad, I love you
by ship. It's bad. What happened. I think my parents.
I think they simultaneously have gotten dementia or something simultaneously. Look,
it's Thursday night, right, Yep, Thursay night. Is there all
(08:23):
of Garden night? Ryan? I usually get him a call,
just tell I love you. I always say, like, you know,
like unlimited or you know whatever, and Alfred a sauce
and they've just kind of gone off the deep end.
Will give me one reason? Do you sense that they
said they were at This makes me emotional because it's
(08:44):
like so fucking crazy they're at the Olive. It would
be different they said, like we were at like the
Olive restaurant or like the Mediterranean dinner. But that yeah, yeah, yeah,
they said they were at Lean Neeson's. Welcome to Liam
Neeson's Banana Rama Banana banana ban No, it's Liam Neeson's
(09:07):
banana cavana. Um. Sorry, I'm training um, welcome to Liam
Neeson's Banana Bandit. Okay, welcome, Listen Neeson Devin, Okay, it's okay.
I'm just training, but I'm doing great, Honey, you're doing
greats don't say that. Okay, Oh goodness. If if this
was a garden, we'd already be at the salad bar.
(09:30):
We're having a new experience. We said we wanted to
experience new things. Does everything on the menu have on
banana compouent? I mean, like I knew they were losing
it because my dad thought that the all garden has
a uh salad bar, you know, And I was like,
so he was certain to slip already. You know, if
they don't have it, they don't have that bear never did.
My name is Stacy, and I've got a very particular
(09:50):
set of skills to serve you up very well tonight.
Oh thank you. That was good. Are you enjoying it
here at Liam Neeson's Banana Cabana now? Is it all like?
Is it all taking references? Or are you all is
there like Schindler's list uff going on tour? There's some
(10:12):
of that were we taste all we get a taste
of all of his movies as well as all of
these delicious bana trees sell. Leave these menus here for
you and I'll be back. Sure. He's calling, Hey Dad, Wait,
Liam's there with you. He's saying, Liam's there's not with
Liam Neeson. I'll put it on speaker dead. Are you there?
(10:37):
He says he has a very particular set of skills. Mom,
are you okay? I'm fine, Honey. We're at Liam Neeson's
Banana Cabana and he said he's there now, Liam Neeson,
he's right here in the honey, are you okay? Are
you guys okay? Asking deep fried plantains as an appetizer.
Hold on, I just just have to have two of
these plantains. Well, okay, then put on Liam sent I'm
(11:00):
so sorry. This is weird nor Hyeah. Hello, Hello. I
don't know who you are, but those are my parents, okay,
and obviously who you are. But you've got a long
(11:23):
I've got a long list of people and you might
be on it, and I hope that you're not. Say something.
Say something, just so it's good to save them all.
I'm gonna try. Some of them will already be dead,
but some of them are going to live. Don't kill
(11:43):
my parents, Mr Nason, what so, yes, m I'm here
to actually have them have a wonderful time at my
banana cabana. Very good times and delicious food. Right, it's good. Okay,
thank you so much. Oh my gosh, thank you, thank you.
But dude, what the fuck? I guess they're okay, that's
(12:07):
the good news. But what was that salad par thing
all about? Finn? Yeah, see that's a good point. I
don't know. It all sounds so good. Can you read
the specials one more time? I can, um, but I'm
just gonna say, like, I can't do any more phone calls. Honestly,
I just sweat so much I had to switch my beauniform.
(12:30):
And we don't have that many in my size. You're
very tiny. You need to eat something? Do you not
eat the banana bread? Doesn't eat the banana bread? Two
baskets already and I'm getting full? Don't up? Delicious? Can
we can we take some to go? If we if
we want? Can we just can we get the banana bread?
(12:50):
And in one of those, um, I could have saved
one more bags. Absolutely, thank you. Throw that in there
for you, and I'll read you the specials just one
more time. We've got a very dangerous bananas. And also
and also hi, Kurt yep, Kurt Fambler. Hi. Uh, it's
(13:17):
come to our attention. I don't know, okay, it's come
to our attention that I might not be okay okay,
and that you might be the only individual who has
the skills to save me. I have a certain set
all right, and uh I I'm here to ask you
for that help. Who sent you a friend of ours,
(13:37):
mutual friend. You might know him Tim, That's exactly. Yeah,
you met with him a couple of days ago. He
was talking about leave Neeson was like correct, and he
said he would give you a certain words said to
me and then I would know your spaghetti feet. Wow,
that's it was the big surprise. It was tour what
was a hyphen? I assume that. But anyways, how can
(13:59):
I help? I need um, I need you to rob
roy me okay and and today yeah, okay, okay, all right, free,
all right, defl full of socks kilts, Yeah, Mace's long
(14:23):
swords your name, all right? I just need you to
pain in advance and of course ready to go six
seventy six eighty six ninety just tell one to stop
so you're saying Olive Garden never had a salad bar. No, honey,
(14:46):
all of Garden's never had a salad bar. Maybe it's
a Mandela effect thing going on. I just remember being
at a salad bar, right and Olive Garden. Honey. I'm
I'm getting a little worried about you. You know, I
had a I had a long talk with our sun
yesterday and um, which one off? It's the taller one
(15:08):
of the two. Yeah, I can say, yeah it. Well,
now this is all I can think about. Some more
banana bread. How is everything going for you all? It's great,
it's great. Please no no more banana bread. I realized
that I finished. I finished. I topped out that last basket.
But I don't need any of course. Yeah, we just
we just want to make sure that just in case
you want it, that's right here, Lamnissance in a cabana.
(15:32):
I actually I have to apologize to you guys. I
just remembered that um Liam Neeson is in love actually,
and that I should have been doing an accent this
whole time, and I have to apologize. I we also
want to say we are so we will comp the meal.
We will comp the entire meal because it's her first day.
(15:54):
She's so good. I mean, if my parents are said
a good place, maybe I should go there and celebrate.
I mean I want to see Liam Neeson. Would you
want to meet Liam Neeson? Yes? Yes, yes, let's go. Hey,
you're not just my like my stone or pal. You
were like we could do like outdoor stuff? You know,
should we walk? Should we uber? How should we get there? Yeah?
I'll call use an uber? Okay, cool? Because I got
(16:15):
a skateboard. No I know, but that'd be hello uber?
How can I help you? Hi? There? I would let
to schedule a car please, okay? From where to wear?
From my location to Liam Neeson. I thought maybe you
could see it somehow. I'm on the phone, so I
can't see that, okay. Um, try to try to up
(16:37):
sell them to a luxury car. Do you want to
go in a ship box? No? No, at you up
to a luxury car? Then? Okay? Can I just give you?
I like how you did that? I like you do
like that? Daddy? I'm sorry, go ahead, go ahead, Okay,
(16:57):
I got you for a luxury said Dan. I got
two cars, one following the other. All right, sen, one
has only seen one Mommy, make it stop. Fuck. Seen
two comes from from listener Andrew, who simply wrote, hike
Kevin and Alchemy crew. If you're reading this on air,
(17:21):
I'm probably having a panic attack because I'll feel personally
responsible for whatever happens next. Oh don't don't do that, Andrew.
You literally have nothing to do with what's about to happen.
I cannot. I'm not sure I can handle it. We'll
see scene suggestion. People who feel superior for shunning social
media now struggle to organize, coordinate something without it. Cheers Andrew, Andrew,
(17:45):
that was awesome. I'm just so is this nice? We
get together, we we grill, right, we're just talking food.
This is good, feels like it's happening. Feels like we're
doing it because it is. Yeah, because it is, because
(18:05):
it is. Yes, right, we're taking photos. We're just showing
each other those fun and look at that. Look at
hashtag fun. Sorry sorry, I don't know why I said hashtag.
It's just fun. It's just just fun. Dude, you're having fun?
Is that what you meantime? I'm having fun? Okay, that's
a spirit? Can I get you another? Low brow? Hold on?
(18:29):
Is a sponsored post? I feel like I feel like
you called him Tom and that's his I g handle
because Barry called him Luke and that's working. My real
name's alright, it's all right, we're all we're all we're
all off. We're all off social media. Okay, we're off.
We're offline and TV unplugged him right acoustic acoustic. I
(18:49):
can still breathe, I can still laugh. Yeah, fun I
was the first to get Tom on Instagram? So cool?
All right? Who was the guy who was that? My
space is my space Tom? Yes? Yes, it was Hello, Hello, Hello,
there are burgers ready to eat and now here and
now so quick little thing? Um funk? I burned myself? Fuck? Yeah,
(19:13):
you can't. You put your hand right on the grill. Great?
What do I do? What do I do? How do
I be here? Just just just own it? Feel it,
let's feel it, look it up, look up? How to heel?
We said no? No. Internet today you could ask a
question on Facebook. Somebody asked a cooky question. Internet today,
you can hand funny just to hank us, ask us
(19:37):
what do I do? What do I do? Okay? Doesn't
that feel better? You ask people? You have mind? Hand
ice is good? Put your head in the cooler, put
your hand in the cooler, and the cooler there were going.
What we what do we learn? Buddy? Skin is fulling off? Yeah,
skins coming right off in the just oh my god,
(20:05):
oh god. Hey how about that sporting event that was recent? Yeah, yeah,
that was a good good it unfolded. Baby, I can't
go to the party. I can't go to the bar
because I can't show up like this. What do you
You're fine? What do you mean you can't show up
like this? Look at your what? Look at your own honey? Sorry,
(20:33):
Alexa is offline like in my real phase. Honey, do
you do you realize what just happened? You do you
just buffered? What you just you just buffered in real life? Yeah,
you stopped for half a second, froze, a little wheel,
(20:56):
spun spun in front of you, and then you came
right back in in the end of a sentence that
I didn't even hear the last part of you are right.
We cannot go to this barbecue if you're buffering. I
am the internet. If I am the Internet, Why is
my chin this large? Why is my nose not tiny?
Why are my eyes not huge? Why don't I look
(21:19):
the way that I do when I look at myself
on my phone. These are the questions. These are the
questions that you ask yourself in the moment that you
realize that you, in fact are the Internet. What can
I say? I want what I want, and I want
my fake face. I want my make face. Your face
is wonderful. I love your face. I love your real face. Face. Yes,
(21:42):
this face, this face. I turned into the Internet and
my face didn't even follow. What was that the front door?
O god, I thought you were interneting again. Hold on,
there's just please don't please, don't manifest as the Internet
(22:05):
while I answer the door. I think I'm always the Internet.
Now this will Hello, Hey, I got every single box
from Amazon here. Just want to drop it off? Yeah,
I guess. Just put it. Put it in the put
it in the front closet, every single box, every single
from I want to go inside and drop in your
(22:26):
front clothes. But I'm just going to drop it on
every single box from which order over. Now we're good. Well,
we're good. Every single box from Amazon. Oh my god,
this is because you're the Internet. Every single box rubber right,
I mean, of course, I love this is thin? This
(22:48):
is or is it thick? I'm not sure this was
not in our vows. That's what this is. Okay, okay,
So what's what's happening is you're not picking up and
I go row row row. You're about then you go
and row row row your boat. Okay, guys, I'm so cool. Guys.
(23:09):
We can have fun. We're having fun. I'm having fun.
This is great, this is the best. He's not having fun.
But I think we have to carry on. I've turned.
This is what we this is how, this is, this
is fun. Let's just let's let's just be m T
arrived on the scene and found this guy in this
(23:31):
kind of pain and go online, just go online and
that No, no, we made a funk. We made a
twelve hour commitment. Everybody, we made a twelin. If we
can't keep our commitments, what the funk are we? That's
exactly right. Our commitments are more important than your shredding
skin hashtag commitment. I mean, Luke, shit, fuck, you're gonna
(23:52):
have to leave. You're gonna have to fucking leave, take
your skin and give funk out. I'm gonna log off, buddy.
You're right here with us. Look at me. I'm right
in front of you. You don't have to log. Okay,
the only log I need from you is some poop.
(24:13):
Why did you say that? Honey? Look, I don't know
if we're gonna be able to go to this barbecue
now they said specifically no internet, and before I thought
I couldn't go because my face doesn't look right. Oh
my god, it's still about Look I want to walk up.
Come here, Come here, Look in the mirror. Look in
(24:33):
this mirror, right here. Tell me what you see monster, No,
you're not, I'll tell you what. I'm so close to
looking right, so close. Oh, you've been so close to
looking right in every photo you've ever taken. So close.
And look, this is the face that I fell in
love with, this one right here in the mirror? Are
you hey? Excuse me? I was still I could get
(24:55):
born here. Yeah, I mean you could literally ask me anything.
But yeah, if you need porn? Are you from Amazon?
Are you one of those Amazon guys? Just get Oh,
for God's sake, redhead p o V. Teeth for cash,
teeth for cash, tuning your teeth, teeth for cash. I'm
(25:21):
sorry to interrupt, Mr Google, but something is terribly wrong
with the Internet. What could possible may be wrong? It
seems everything has been routed there. There's no more internet. Really,
everything has just stopped online. From what our last data
was telling us, it's been pinpointed right here to this house.
(25:44):
Whose house is that? Well, it's it's a couple. Uh,
it's uh, it's it's Ryan and uh Sarah Kroger not
not the not the supermarket Empire. But that's dig deeper.
It's not really them, Okay, t deeper. Do you want
(26:07):
to just tell what's going on or finds? Okay, al right,
I believe it's Elon Musk. Just keep just keep Oh
my gosh, I know you popped down under the blanket.
HOLI I think it's I think this is okay, just
not the same thing too down further. Alright, Look, look
(26:32):
if I use the phone a landline, that is an internet,
so I will call you an ambulance. That's great from
the landline. This is great. This is problem solving. We
didn't need to look it up. He's unconscious, all right,
we can still help. Should we be live streaming this?
But what does he have a landline? This is his house.
(26:52):
I mean, let's just go inside. There's gotta be one somewhere.
Let's just look, where would it be, Alexa, we're the landlord?
Are you my dad? Are you my daddy? What's this?
Who the fund is it? What? Why is this a
smoky in here? Kid? Are you smoking? Uh? Huh? Okay,
(27:15):
do you know where the phone is? Follow me? Okay, wait,
I don't think this is a good idea. I don't either.
I'm so scared follow this kid through the smoke. Okay,
are you gonna have to get in your hands? And
anath and Crlton? It's cool? Alright? What the do Dan
doing here? Side? What? What? What? What the fund? Was
(27:36):
Dan doing that? Did anybody know he had a kid? No?
I don't know anything about him? Its just dad, Yeah, yeah,
he's out front or in the back. I mean he's
in them. Are we gonna stop this? We gotta stop this.
We've got to use the internet. No no, no, no, no,
no no no. Show us what the phone is, Show
us what the phone? Okay, all right, we're just gonna
(27:58):
climb up this cheat on. Oh, I'll start treating you
know what, Sarah? You know what. I love you the
way you are, and I know all of our friends
love you the way they are. And rules be damned.
Let's go to that barbecue me and my wife the Internet. God,
(28:20):
I love you so fucking mind. I love you so
fucking much. Come on, how much I love you? Ver?
Please air air? What are all these sun Is that
(28:44):
y'all have a dial up modem? What's going on? That
is seen too? A buddy Boy three comes from patron
I P. Boots ring G Hi that Kevin, here's a
(29:05):
suggestion flashlight enthusiasts. Enthusiasts and flashlight enthusiasts have booked their
conference on the same weekend. Now, Boots follow that up
with Hi, Kevin, I accept that the last suggestion wasn't good,
but neither is this one. And then it's a suggestion
(29:26):
about James heeney Um, so yeah, so we're going with
the flashlight Kevin. Kevin, you read you always every few
episodes because there's like you can go through them, you
can reply thinks so much not this time. And I
always think if I read the patron v I P
(29:46):
s and they are are just ill advised and and
should be thrown in the trash heap, then I'm going
to get feedback. And that's what you've allowed, and I
appreciate that. Alright, Flashlight and flashlight conferences. Double. The great
thing about this flashlight is that it actually um floats
in the water as well. So if you're in some
(30:09):
kind of storm and obviously use power and you need light,
but oh my gosh, now there's a bunch of water
for the flashlights. Quick question, how do we fuck that? Yeah?
Where do we put our dicks in that flashlight? Tell them?
So this flashlight takes to where do they put their dukes? Um?
(30:31):
I would say that you keep them in your pants
and then you um pressed this button to just ignite.
All right, we're getting swamped here. Okay. As a medical staff,
we were we were not told this was going to
be going about. Look, there's a lot of guys out
there who are getting battery burn on the huas. Okay,
(30:54):
was a man who the giant? Okay, son, now it's
time for the talk of the birds at the beach.
All right. Now, I've withheld this from you for a
number of years due to our strong religious beliefs. But
(31:15):
you must know what what a man's business is called. Okay,
all right, it's called a who ha Okay, mind, yeah,
that's your who haa that you're touching right now. And
what is a lady. What is a lady? Doesn't happ anything?
(31:42):
A man has a who haleman has nothing that a
congregation needs to know that the Bible might have information
that is reserve breach. Do you see what just came
(32:03):
out his mouth? Baby? Is that all babies are made
like Dana. I know this is your first Vegas events, um,
and I think you're doing great. But what are we
trying to do here? So I'm trying to Oh you
tell me well, you well, I hope we're on the
(32:23):
same page. You're trying to sell these flashlights, right, yes, okay,
So when you're giving the information about the floating good,
talking about battery life, good, good, wattage, led, all good words.
Have all of those words in my in my personal
lexicon of words that I use. I am so sorry.
(32:46):
Mr Humphries. Yeah, the credit card for the room you
have at the Blago before you come on, Give you
one second, just answer the questions whenever they asked give
him an answer? Do you um sorry you were saying
the credit card was declined again? What you know what?
(33:07):
It's good because I wanted to pay cash anyway, we
need a credit card now? Have um? Okay? Which one
did I give you with what were the last four
and that four digits? Yeah, it was the last four cards,
because I'm not sure you're gonna be able to stay
at the belas well. This is my business. Actually, you
(33:30):
see that. I'm a business owner. You see her, she
works for me. So like I got income coming in,
I could just pay cash. It would be really helpful
to clean the room. Yes, sir, we're gonna be switching
you out. And from what it looks like from the
balled up pieces of paper right there, it looks like
(33:50):
you've got six dollars in total. You want to pay
the room for six dollars. A lot has changed because
I didn't realize this is all happening in my m D. Now,
this little baby here is state of the art. And
you'll notice as I hit the on button here and okay,
(34:12):
I am not getting any light out of that. The
batteries need to be changed. Just have to unscrew the
bottom here and all it takes, ladies and gentlemen's four
D batteries. Four quick, get it, heynger, Quit hogging it alright, Marines.
(34:38):
When I when I say go, give me to just
to push up who that means dick. Yeah, just you
gotta touch it. When you say I gotta give it
a gotta, you gotta give it a light touch. When
you say it means stick. Did you know that it doesn't?
We say who rah Here sir, the Marines, we say
(35:06):
who rack. No, sir, you're gonna get so now you're
gonna get bush poster. You called me. You all called
me a poster. You're all gonna get. You're all gonna
get your ask Know that guy who called you out,
Thank you, everybody, thank you. I know I'm gonna answer
(35:26):
all your questions right now. Nobody gonna eat until he
solved this. Probably okay, that the question. I'm trying to
get to the sound buffet. There are two conferences going
on at the same time. Which one the flashlights right
(35:48):
and the flashlight saying the same thing? Difference, honey, I
think he's saying the same thing. What's the difference? Who
who ra? And boo yah who ha? Okay, okay, alright?
Is this banana bread unlimited? You know what? Stick your
(36:09):
things wherever you want to put them, all right, put
whatever you got. A woman and you've got nothing, you
can't put anything out. It's just nothing is that true.
I am so I'm so sorry to interrupted sir. Mr Humphreys,
can't tet you for a second. You're supposed to be
working in the kitchen. Okay, you're paying off the room.
(36:30):
You're paying off the room. All right, we don't need
it here oh here? So what were you saying? Don't
tell me over here? Okay, sorry, sir, I know you're
my boss now, I'm just not used to this. What
happened to my assistant Diana? I don't know she had
my booth. The last thing we know she signed up
at the marine stand at the Blago ship. Okay, okay,
(36:58):
we need those salads that come now. We're one of
the Choplin Seeson. So you want to open another Bandanna
Cambana in Vegas? Yeah yeah, we we feel now is
the time to dry. I've been told that we're losing
money on all the ones that we've put out there
all but you know, you gotta try. You can't be
(37:19):
in it if you plan on winning it. This is
this is my name and my my my likely that
you've sold it. So yeah, I'm so sorry. They Larry,
this is my dad. He's sick. You're not talking to
Lilliam Neeson. I'm Liam Neeson is sound like him a
(37:42):
very particular set of skill, Okay, ask him, then ask
him if this a salad bar off garden? Hey, Mr Neeson,
is do you have even know if there's a salad
bar at the olive garden? There is a salad bar
at all of garden? First, see what I tell you
what you're dad? Yeah, the first thing you do when
you get there is you you grab a plate and
(38:03):
you go straight to the salad bar. I mean, and
you say keep those breadsticks coming. He does pretty good,
That's the thing. I mean, you could. I mean, he's
got good credit and good ideas. If you want to
get in the business with him, just go ah, Okay,
let's see where this goes. Okay. So the first thing, then,
uh Ms Mason, is that I get the just go
to the salad bar and get a plate. Just go
(38:24):
to the salad bar and get a plate. And do
I need any sort of special skills for that? You
need a very particular set of skills. Okay. So do
I get this water bottle here even if I don't
sign up with the Marines, and I still get to
keep the water bottle here? You're gonna keep the water
balls or gift to you. Awesome? Okay, great, thank you
(38:46):
so much. This is awesome even if I don't you know,
so what, I don't have a job. I have. I
haven't water bottle, that's my own. Excuse me, you're gonna
you're gonna stick your dick in it. Put you. You're
talking to me like that, son, Get out of the ground.
Marine kick kick You're strong man. I like that. I
(39:12):
want to be like that. Join the Marines. Okay, double dogs, Yeah,
I'm gonna do it. I couldn't join the double Dog done?
Is that it? You got? You got quiet and like
a little wheel started spitting in front of Okay, I'm
the Internet, all right, so listen, uh Connor. I'm digging
(39:39):
the design and the ideas and the forward thinking. I
just let me just get a couple of questions. Is
the necessity of a light for I understand? Just? Is
it just to play on words on flashlight? Is that
why you're calling it flashlight? You are you? Are you questioning? Connor?
Is that what it is? Con And it's design choices?
(40:02):
As you know, marketing pretty much drives the world. So
you come up with this great design. We just have
a problem with the name. I don't d it's just
to play on flashlight, that's it. Yes, the whole point
is to play on flashlight. Flashlight. Flashlight English my first language.
And I noticed right, because we can't call it a
jack off machine. I understand exactly a flash light. But
(40:23):
it's just because of the shape of it. Look at
the shape. Does you know what? Does the shape remind
you of? What we're going to call them? Dick tubes? Notes,
it's a flashlight. It's cute. It's a cute name for
a thing. Yeah, is that what we want out there
on the marketplace? Cute names? That's not enough cute sex toys.
(40:44):
But my patent is for human flesh to make light.
I don't understand. Well, too bad. I'll see you in
the code room five minutes. We're not probably not talk
to the other party. Were talking to each other. I
thought I was to be able to comprom by something.
I mean, my technology can actually make human skin light.
You're going to handle it in the courtroom. Don't speaking
(41:07):
of handling things, do you want to assume me? Still?
Why don't you just try this? Take this, try it?
See what you're doin Walter, don't as your lawyer, I
don't try. Don't try. You help me? Huh? When the
hell have you helped me? Huh? I've been trying for months. Daddy.
You could have put your hoho on that, babe. How
(41:28):
did the how the trial go? The case? Well? I, um,
I just fought my dad and he knocked me out.
And where's Oliver? He took our play with you. I
forgot to bring him back. And did you win the case?
(41:51):
That chet said? Um making flesh actually illuminate or project
lumins or whatever the phrase. I'm so funked up from
the head. You're dead knocked you outed me out. I
lost a lesson on the judge. Do you want to
have sex? No? I don't want to have sexual. I
just want to what you never not want to have?
(42:13):
I don't want to have sex. I want to take
a bath. Okay, you've never taken a bath and it's
twenty four years we've been married. Good, we're starting, all right.
I just want to soap. You never said I want
to soap. I got knocked out like that? Who's my lawyer?
(42:33):
What the hell is this? This is about the porn
I asked for today? Oh? Maybe sometimes there's a sweet spot,
even though the suggestion is that you work with it,
and uh, you get there. And we got there and
I'm thrilled and I love you all and I want
(42:54):
to thank Jackie Gonzalez first and foremost for making magic
with us. Thank you, thank you for having me in,
and thank you Craig for showing me really actually what
Liam Neson sounds like. And it was eye opening, was helpful,
(43:18):
lot of inventory online to also, Yeah, it's it's in
the moment he lost you know. I was like, oh, yeah,
I know what he's not. It is. It's a little
growling and a little little nailed for someone from Ireland,
(43:42):
and there's not quite enough. There's more gravity. Oh, Chris,
he is in Star Wars just so you know. Ye
what is the play Chebacca? Come on, respect, he's the
original chipback with the Little Boy. He's in the Anti Menace. Yes,
little ankin quig Gin. Oh yeah, quig on Gin. He
(44:05):
lives on the Moons. Come on, dude, you don't cut
just say oh, that's interesting. I didn't know that. You
don't gotta do this or say it's not interesting. I
didn't know either. It's interesting. Thank you and thank you, Jackie,
thank you, thank you any more you sut of the
machine to your left the bike, Yes, yes, yes, I
(44:30):
read the bike many times a week. I love face. No,
I'll take no. She's lying outside actually, Joey the other day. Yeah,
I called her and she was like, I'm on the
bike and I was like beating heavy. I was like,
I am on the bike sometimes listen to something, but
she was literally on the road. No, stationary bike outside
(44:52):
is the best. Yeah, that's the new it. Thank you,
Mark Gag Yeah, thanks buddy, thank you. This is always
a delight and it's so wonderful to see everybody's faces.
I still love the fake background. It's the greatest. Yeah,
so homie. And actually I just turned around with a
camera and took a picture of my apartment from this
(45:12):
point of view, and then I had it um I
uploaded it as a zoom background. Yeah, so smart home
right now. It doesn't matter what your place looks like,
even if you were you could put that up exactly. Yeah,
super cool, super chill and thank you, thank you. Uh
the name of the podcast again please for everybody. We
got this with Mark and how that's checking out on
(45:35):
Max Fun all right, Greig Atkowski. Yeah, I'd love to,
uh if if you can indulge me, I would love
to point out the difference in the portrayal of Zeus
and Clash of the Titans between Lords Olivia and Liam Neeson,
because Laurence Olivia and the original Clash of the Titans
famously gave a line reading where he said, at least
(45:57):
they're cracking. Uh. Imply that as Zeus, he has several
beasts at his disposal, ready to go at any moment,
and for this particular job, the kracking is the one
who needs to be used. And Liam Neesa changed the
light ring to release the crack. Huh. I emphasizing release,
(46:19):
implied that what he does is every day he just
gives a series of orders of things to do to
the C. Yeah, the C called the crashing. All right,
So we've learned something very helpful and important today, and
(46:39):
I thank you for that, and thank god Carla for
making a cameo earlier. Much appreciated Chris Alvarado. Yeah, quick thing,
quick thing. I went to Costly yesterday alone and got
some girly good stuff. But I also bought um this
French bread. Uh. Pano chuck a lot and it's just
a little chocolate rolls of bread and that's not healthy.
(47:01):
And I had tomatoes and bananas and had everything, um,
all set to be a good boy. And then I
ended up eating six of the eight rolls last night
and this morning, and this morning I took the other
two in my car before I went surfing. I've had
I haven't had anything else. But I'm not kidding. Yeah,
(47:22):
kind of like that, but they're not actually it's not
actually I think it's actually more like a chocolate. It's
like a it's like a roll friends, like like a no,
like a like a like a Hawaiian roll soft with
two little things there. Sounds delicious, but all eight I
haven't had a vegetable. I haven't had anything. Here's here's
the good news. Crap, you're talking about it. If you
(47:43):
did all that and didn't say a word, we'd have
a problem. You're talking about it. You know what's up? Yeah,
you have a moment. It's had a moment, had a
food moment, and now you've shared, and now you you
sit your butt on that toilet until things happened. I know,
but I have eight more. I'll be there in twenty minutes. Yeah,
(48:07):
that's right. I'll be there in twenty minutes. Yes, Joey Greer,
thank you for stopping by. We appreciate most of what
you do, you know, I and I thank you, and
I appreciate you saying that. I just want to let
people know if they want to know what's really going
on and they want to kind of access their third
eye and you know, get on a higher level of consciousness.
(48:28):
Check out my TikTok okay God bless chim Chum, God bless.
But he posts them on Instagram and I'm a big fan.
All right, there's an endorsement testimonial there. It is. This
is the TikTok you want to be following. For sure.
I am your father. Who's that? Joey's my dad, that's right,
(48:51):
and he's got your nose. All right. Let's thank all
of you and Doug Bam our producer to the stars,
fine folks that I hurt media. I'm your host, Kevin
Polk thanking each and every damn one of you so
very very much for giving a good gush darn for
these proceedings. And stay involved even when you can tell
everyone you've ever met, and remember, be kind to each
(49:13):
other until next time,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.