April 29, 2021 • 48 mins
Lobby to get "Ice is Food" on the bags.
Excuses to get out of Jury Duty.
Monkey Club verses I hate Monkeys club.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
We'll be back to another episode about me the night
one edition. I'm your how it's getting podcast back? No,
in this case, no means how much are we talking?
But I digress. Let's meet the Shani and no predicular order.
Least say good afternoon to a tool saying doctors without interest.
What is your favorite time of day or night and wine? Well,
(00:25):
I'm you know, it's it's whatever it is. It's late
at night. I really I shine eleven PM to four am.
I hear about like movie shows and TV shows shooting
at night, and I'll be like, I'm waiting for that
day and maybe, yeah, I don't know, I feel like
just that's when I'm glowing. I am just really not
gonna if I take two hours to do it from
(00:45):
midnight to two am, I'll take four hours to do
it during one pm to four pm five pm. Your
brain is just at a higher frequency between eleven am,
eleven pm and four am. I think that's how Einstein
and and Franklin worked. Yeah, so I think I'm, you know,
not to compare, but yeah, I think I'm in the
same boat. Okay, Well, Franklin took an air bath, so
(01:06):
let's start there. Hey, it's James Heeney slamming j j
Heinster favorite brand of ice cream, and why uh, I
really like the This is a very I think local
to California. But Rose Creamery that's on Venice, it's on
Main Street. It's so good and they it tastes so
real and honest, They're mint flavor ice cream is insane.
(01:31):
It makes me take mint leaves and put it on
my garbage ice cream at home. You're saying that the
ice cream itself tastes honest, well, because the stuff I
have in my freezer does not taste honest. I mean
it's good and I can sprinkle some real mint leaves
on it, but it does not taste like it was
made with real mint. But it's full of sh and
(01:53):
not I'm not talking flavor. All right. Hey, there's Gary
Anthony william hey Man, that g a Williams. If you
were a sandwich, what kind would you be in? Why?
I would not be an honest sandwich. I'm gonna not
gonna lie to you. I would be a lion, open face.
I'd be an open face, breathless falafel sandwich. Now we're talking.
(02:17):
And now Craigkowski with his three rules of cooking, Kevin,
it's walking my kitchen. It's it's great to have you here.
My three rules of cooking. We're gonna start with a
little olive oil and we're just gonna do a light
sprinkling there. Oil makes everything better. We're gonna add some butter.
We're gonna have some butter there. Uh. And then I've
(02:42):
got some sea salt from the Mediterranean Sea and br
gonna sprinkle that on there, and you're just gonna swirl
that together. So buttered salt oil, start with that. But
anything you want in there, and you're gonna be good.
Thank you for that. And last, but may your order
never be up. If you think of leaves, it's Joe
we Greers, think machine. How will I know when you're ready?
(03:03):
M you think you're gonna know? Do you think you've
got the power to know when I'm ready? If you
think if you're waiting for me to be ready, you're
already so far behind. I'm already there, baby. You know
what I'm saying every single Let me just say this
because that's just I get email this a lot. Alright.
When when I wake up, I'm good to go. You
know what I'm saying there's no like I gotta kind
(03:25):
of shake off the cobwebs or whatever, or dust off
the copper. I am there, right, I'm ready to go. Okay,
and so what about from eleven pm to four you?
I go to bed at seven pm. Number one today
comes to us from Will who wrote, Hello alchemists and Kevin.
I work in social work, and our job is to
(03:47):
find permanency for young people in foster care. Your magic
is a bright spot on my day to day that
is full of bad news that impacts adolescence. I have
been listening since day one, and Kevin, you are now
my answer to what famous person would you have dinner with? Huh? Anyway,
could you and the team please help me understand the
(04:09):
lobbying that took place to get ice is food on
the bags and maybe how the good people let water
feel about that? Thanks Will Savoy. Now we just look.
Just go through it again. Okay, just go through it again.
They're gonna be voted on this soon, all right, so
we gotta just god damn, Okay, all right, what are
(04:30):
you proposing? I know, I'm confused. I walked in very late.
All right, what's going on here? What's woke up. I
just woke up very very late. I'm sorry, I was up.
It was up till four am. It's when I get
my stuff done. Have you ever seen him at like
three eight? He's like magic. He's like lightning if you
could catch if you could capture lightning and put it
(04:52):
somehow in some type of vessel something to last. Perhaps bottle,
I'm trying to Okay, name on it. Let's say bottle,
and then you cram that bottle into my head. Guess
what that's? So? What's what's the what's the good word? Humming?
Can we just talk about that for a second. I
hear you pacing around? Is that you who was pacing
around from eleven to four in the morning. Yes, I
(05:15):
do a lot of pacing because I am a live wire. Okay,
So then are you the one vanalizing all the all
the machines, all the all the food machines. Is that you?
Or is that somebody? I don't think all of them.
I don't think all of them are me. God, Okay,
I can't even get into this right now, but I
hate to be this guy. I got here late and
I gotta leave early. What do we do? What do
you mean you gotta leave early. Leave I have a thing.
(05:36):
I think I think I have a thing. Then you
don't have. It's this kind of disorganization that has made
us a pawn at the hands of Big Ice. We
are big Water. We should be doing better. They're us
plus cold, that's all they are. He's got a point.
The man's got a point. Let's behind the man. U,
(06:01):
Mr polar Bear, thank you so much for uh you're
bringing us all here today. And I think if you'll
see my proposal, uh you you might see we have
a fighting chance to uh come into uh striking distance
of the if you will Ice lobby. So if you can, everybody,
but hey, look, I got here late. I got to
(06:21):
go early. But in the meantime you're clearing your throat
like a fucking madman. Here, could we could somebody what
is it that you have to say. I'm very irritable today.
I am very irritable. Just get some water. Let me
just oh my god, that's good room temper um, sir.
If we designate ice of food, then Big Ice is
(06:43):
gonna have to go through the same rigorous standards that
let's say raw Ham or let's say just regular Ham
has to go through in order to be on food shelves. Sir,
I I want to apologize for coming down on him,
just for clearing his throat. But he's right, Big guys
is wiping. I don't know what. What's the thing that
the bottom of a hot there's a roof, there's a fool,
(07:05):
there's the floor. They're wiping the floor with our asses
over here, there's sometimes I'm a polar bear, and I
know metaphors better than you, guys. I'm not I'm not sure.
I'm not good with words or thoughts. But what I'm
trying to say is he's right. If we can trick
Big Ice into being a food the rigorous undertakings, they'll
(07:30):
somebody helped me with the next worried out of subject
subject regulation regulation. Here, here, you here, you we call
the meeting in order. This is the committee to label
items as food. We have a long list to go through. Uh,
we're just gonna right now on the agenda. I'm gonna
tell are the briefcase people here, briefcase people, sure, so
(07:53):
briefcase people are here. We believe we are food. Okay,
we're gonna ask you to go ahead and leave. That's
not gonna happen today. All right, all right, Next that
we have the uh, the the remote control people? Are
they here? Is that the same party? I'm afraid of
saying that we're here because I have this feeling you're
gonna tell me to leave. And I'm confident that I'm
(08:14):
a food and that we we remote controls are Wait wait,
wait a minute. You're confident that your food, well, you're
confident that the product you sell is a food sales
remote control. The Centator of Virginia will stand down. I
will not. I will not stand down, so because I
(08:36):
have back issues and I will be standing throughout this
entire year. He's making me nervous, and I don't feel
comfortable saying I have a remote control. You're dismissed, remote
control team. Oh this is bullshit. The Ottoman people, Please,
you are ruling for the Ottoman people. Yes, I belie.
(09:00):
The Senator from Tennessee will be answering that question. Real
arm of people who don't all I'd like to translate
for the gentleman from Tennessee. Al Right, I think we
(09:22):
all know what that means. So thank you for coming. Now,
how are these people even getting access to this here?
And because they are no way close to food, brief
briefcases down and remote control. I will not sit. These
meetings aren't for obvious things that are already categorized as food,
(09:45):
like apples and uh say, which isn't ham unorthodox? Speaking
of unorthodox time, my name is James Franklin. I live
in a Jewish neighborhood. I'm not Jewish. I really appreciate
ate their ways. This is my friend Thomas here, and
we come here on behalf of the ice consoltio. Big guys. Yes,
(10:12):
Thomas will lay out a couple of points, and I
will piggyback him, mostly by saying that's right. Yeah, do
you get it? I'm sorry? Is he saying big guys
are big as? I'm sorry, big guys, Thomas? How do
you spell that? I'm trying to I know it starts.
I'm Are you still hearing big gass? Let me try
it again, big guys? Did you hear the gus? Okay,
(10:37):
let me try one more time, Big guys, did you
still hear big ass? I mean, I can see it.
I don't just hear it anymore. You want to eat it,
It's probably not gonna be at the food Sunny boy,
the big ass is definitely a meal. Were now, well,
we're not going to label ass as food. I'm sorry, guys,
(10:58):
Thomas and I literally say, my god, Thomas, maybe you
can say it better than I am. I'm just confusing
these people. Did you guys hear that that's a big
old eyes sh Did you guys hear that big? Did
we have? Could we take ten minutes, Thomas and I too,
(11:20):
just regroup and then we'll be right back in the
room with you guys. Okay, the recess is granted. Oh
my gosh, can you hear? I can't. I can't believe it.
I can't believe it. And I can't believe number one,
I can't believe. I want to go. I want to
go see that. What's what's the name of the place
(11:40):
where the president the White House? Want that? And I
want to You have a mental disorder, man, There's something
going on with yes, yes, yes, yes, but constantly you
don't you don't remember stuff. I don't remember anything. Oh
my god, dude. There's just six Flags so close to
d C. We should go. When I hear you guys
say you want to go to six Flags? Yeah, yeah,
(12:04):
we didn't. That just wasn't, but I thought I heard
somebody that I want to go to the bad Yeah,
you want to be people? Yeah, we don't know. Listen
Ottoman's side. They're good for your feet. But if you
want to go to these legs, I'm a guy. You
want to talk? Okay, Yeah, we do want to go
to your body. It's just two of us. Just can
I tell you you're a party of seven? Would that
(12:26):
work for? But we don't know if that would work.
You have no idea what you're doing right now? Yeah?
Are you selling us tickle our six you morons to Washington,
d C. For twenty four hours to pose to pose
as as lobbyists. And you're telling me you had to
(12:49):
eat an ottoman in order to in order to pose
as being a party of seven to get it to
six blacksman. And then we bought five extra pairs of pants,
uh in five extra shirts to pretend that we were
a party of seven. And to be clear, we did
get enough of those Batman capes for everybody. So this
(13:11):
I don't want you to think that we just problem.
I'm a polar bear. That cape is not gonna fit
on me, no matter how big it is. Sarah we
we had we found a bigger problem with every time
we tried to say big ice, they thought we were
saying big ass, and so that kind of was a Oh,
that that's a big problem. Is it a bigger problem
(13:32):
than the meltic of the polar ice caps, which is
drastically reducing by native habitat the Arctic Circle? Ask cap?
Did you say? Ask caps? I did not say asked cap.
I don't think they're coming back from the recess. I
feel like we should just I think we should abandon
this meeting. I've got family at home. I just have
a question for the senator from from Arkansas. Why haven't
(13:54):
we ever considered asked to be a food? I mean,
I feel like this is something we should take on
because you don't swallow it. It stays on the ass.
That is so seen one. If I can put a
stop too, I'm gonna do that now. Scene two comes
(14:18):
from from patron VP Andrew, who wrote Hello and Still
Loving to podcast Eve. It's very fun listening while essentially
at work. My fits of laughter even make my co
workers laugh. If only he knew the content and context.
Here's a suggestion. A group of individuals have been summoned
for jury duty. All right, we're right back in court.
(14:39):
But none of them want to serve or participate. What excuses?
What excuses would they make to be excused? Thanks again
for all the laughs, Andrew. Alright, potential jurors, if you
had this step in the room, see over here, that's across,
could just oh my knee, my knee, just oh my knee.
(15:04):
Do I still have to sir? Well, yeah, just hop
on my back here there going, okay, gonna just everyone
in the room, see yeah, go ahead, sir. Oh, I'm
in the body of Melvin, but I honestly had one
of those freaky Friday instances. And no, I'm actually actually Bobby,
(15:25):
which is Melvin's son. I'm a lot of your concerns
right now that you're telling I'm just the guy who
takes you into rooms see where you will be questioned.
I'm just the guy I don't even know if not
of the court. Okay again, cure any magical ailments. You
can do all of that you want once you talk
to the guy who's going to be interviewing you. I'm
(15:46):
literally just the guy who walks you from the door
over the room. See, Terry, we just need you to
take the jurors into the room. All right, you're chatting
him up. You're taking a while to have conversations. Just
hand in the air, sir, Hand in the air over here.
The oath is only important in the in the in
the core room. All right. We don't know, okay, okay,
(16:07):
so maybe please let's let's chat from me. Is that
what you would you would you? I'm gonna I'm gonna
put a wire on myself so you can hear what
I go through, and I just try to ussure them
from from the door. Tom. It's not it's not me, sir,
It's not on me. We don't have wires. I don't.
We're not the d e A. Could you give me
(16:29):
ten minutes to come back with a wire on myself?
Just ten minutes. Your recess is granted. Yeah, you got
wires here if you want that different recording stuff. Yeah.
We actually just got in these r C cars. So
don't don't be tempting to either. I can guarantee you
I'm tempted right now. I can guarantee you that temptee.
(16:52):
I'm just looking for something to put on my body
and I don't mind if you do it. I have
eight minutes left right now, thank god, story to where
I work. Put it on my body so that I
can secretly record what other people say to me. Yeah,
so you want some kind of what's the word I'm
looking here for? That's checks like him, go ahead, some
(17:15):
secret record? Careful what those are too late to not food? Man,
they weren't designated food, even though they smell and taste
m um. So you want some kind of like spy
equipment or something, putting something just to put on my
body and so I can record. That's so my boss
can hear it. Right. Well, Hey, Sammy, listen, I need
(17:40):
you to keep selling the equipment. But what I don't
need is for you to fall asleep while you're at
the job. Oh yeah, sorry late one last night. Okay, okay,
because we've got complaints in the past about your narcolepsy,
and so if you if you want to maybe not
blame it on anything that happened night, and let's just
talk about the disorder that's in your fucking brain. Well,
(18:03):
I went I just last night. I was like, I'm
just like four in the morning, and the shop just
like clean up and re organized, Like that's what I
like in my peak. It's that tone of right there
that you're talking with. I can't have customers hearing that,
uh huh, just putting. I don't want to buy anything
from you unless you're selling guns, so I can shoot
myself in the eye, like me Green, I don't know
(18:25):
about that. I don't want to. I don't want you
to do that. You so, but yeah, we can open
the shop late, maybe that we have like a late
night shoppers, late night shoppers or something, and then they
should come in and then and then when they're shopping
at late night, then I'll be like on with it,
you know. So if people are gonna like if people
come in late night, and then I'll be able to
(18:47):
get you. See, I am a time traveler, so I
already know the results of this case, which I believe
kind of taints me from being Would you just tell
into just right below my stern um, Just put your
face down there and tell me everything you say. I
feel talking down here, Okay, it's easier on my knees,
(19:10):
might smell him. Just talk right into that alright, smells good.
What was your excuse? I come from the future. I've
time traveled back to now, but since I'm from the future.
I know the results of this case. Ironically, I followed
it closely, so I'm very aware and I should not
(19:32):
be here. And again, you do understand. I'm just the
man that walks you from the door. This is where
we go to get out of jury duty. Huh. You
gotta get on your knees. Alright, alright, whatever it takes, man,
I'm willing to do it. Okay, boss, I have a
fool recording everything that one guy told me he was
(19:54):
from the future. Another guy says he's going to get
on his knees so we can get out of jury
do but his legs are trifolded and he gets confused
at how to get down on his knees. Are you
gonna recap the recording? Are you gonna play the recording? Oh,
that's what I'm gonna tell you. It's all recorded, but
I don't have the speaker so you can hear it. Okay,
(20:14):
Then I need you to go ahead and do the
play by play like you were doing. Way described everything
I need all day. There was a guy with a
with a beard, and it was one of those beards
where it's nicely manicured, but it didn't he didn't look
like he was trying too hard. He looks like I'm
trying just the right amount. It sounds like a perfect
(20:36):
juror exactly. That's what I thought. I said, Oh you,
you might be perfect for but I'm just the man
that walks you from the door. He said, oh, I
thought this was for jewelry. He thought it was a
jewelry store. And he said he gets confused by all
j words, so he couldn't sit all right, if anyone
ever asked for a jury store, I have a great
place I go down to. This guy sells electronics. Could
(20:57):
you say this in it right below my stern? Yeah, yeah,
he sells. He sells electronics, are c cars, jewelry, and
it's fantastic. That's that's where I got wired. That's the
guy who who wired me. Oh what a coincidence. You
know what they say that there aren't a lot of
(21:19):
coincidences in life. I think something else is happening here.
There was a guy who said he was a wizard
who tried to get into jury. Dude, I think he
may have wizarded us. Give me five minutes just to
talk to him. Just five more minutes. The recess is granted.
So you said you were a wizard. Yes, I am
the court wizard, as I mean as as a wizard.
(21:45):
Don't you think that you should be in jury duty?
I don't think anything. I know I see through time.
If you see through time, that was all I had
out of haven't Yes, if you see the time I
didn't have. Okay, let's let's start over again from the
(22:06):
top there, if you don't mind. And in terms of
the wizard voice, you know, he's really just a guy
who happens to be a wizard. Okay, so let's try
that from the top. Please. Thanks when you're ready. I'm
sorry you said you're the court wizard. I am director.
He's doing it again. He just did the same thing.
(22:28):
I don't note for me. Who is that note for?
I don't I don't necessarily need you to ask me
to step in that as the director, I'll know when
to step in. And trying to act over here, Yeah,
he's doing it. Are you sure if I were in here, Dwayne? Yes,
please please do Hello. This is my story that we're telling,
(22:51):
and I'm a wizard, of course, and I don't use
some sort of affectation in my voice. I just speak
like a regular person. See that he's just a person
who happens to be a wizard. Okay, do you not
hear the way it sounds. It sounds like a wizard.
I just do this. I'm just gonna take ten minutes
to myself and just go outside and just go. Okay, Money,
(23:16):
I'm doing the best I can here. Okay, this is
the only film that was coming up for you. Okay,
I think it's gonna be a big pop once it goes.
Trust me, you're gonna get a lot of rules. Okay,
just stick with it. But Money, baby, Hello, you see
little distracted, seem little tired. Wait a minute, Hey, hey, hello, hello,
(23:39):
I think you have me not only confused, but correctly
confused with the wrong guy. I'm trying to take a step,
A ten minute break. One. Oh god, I've ever one.
Is it too late to recast? I mean, he's yourself.
(24:00):
Tape was so good, but we got have been the
room and and everything's going out the window. Listen. I
appreciate you on set as the technical advisor. Um, but
as they say in film, I'm it's my set. So
if anyone needs to be invited in or invited out,
that's going to come from me, of course, hands off off.
(24:24):
I yeah, I'm a Washington Wizard. I'm here for the
role of a wizard. Normally I play point guard, but
I can play any of the roles. I can play center,
I can play forward, I can play power forward. So
what do you need me to play? I'm sorry you're
saying you're actually with the team, the Washington Wizards. Yes, yes,
Washington Wizards. Uh yeah, we had a tough go at it.
But uh you know again, I can shoot, I can
(24:45):
dribble whatever you need. I can play. Do you want
me to do? You want me to read with him?
Or know? I have five more minutes of my break,
but I'll do it. Please read with them that great
from the top. Then there if when you're ready, Yeah,
just give me the ball and I'll be it a goo.
Yeah no, we're not gonna give you the ball. I
just want you to do the scene without without the ball.
(25:09):
Who's who's this human? Yeah, that's the he wrote the
this is his life story we're doing? Oh you used
to play for the Wizards. Nope, he's a He's an
actual wizard, but not a Do have NBA League Pass
and I've seen your games? You can't dribble or shoot. Wow,
I get heckled on the court. I didn't think it
would happen here. All right, Mr polar Bear, I am
(25:32):
so sorry to interrupt. But the Wizard movie, I'm hibernating. Sorry,
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I did bring a
tub of honey for your just to go to town
with um. But the Wizard movie that we have, that's
gonna be our head piece on big Ice. They need
more money. So okay, so you're you're authorized, you're you
(25:57):
woke me up from two bucks of hibernation. Just wanted
the firms. I didn't want to just say, yes, you
wake up, you're groggy, you're gonna be upset, and I
don't eat fucking honey. That's more of a grizzly thing. Okay, okay, okay.
I thought all bears were the same. I didn't know
the pooh yo Thomas man. I heard you wake up,
(26:18):
Mr Polo band man. Yeah I did. Yeah, and then
you said some racist bullshit about all bads are the
same too. I didn't know that's that's who Thomas is. No, no, no,
it's not like that. I didn't know. I thought be
like Thomas We was friends. Man, you came into my house,
you made love to my wife and friends, we was tight, brother, Panda.
(26:42):
I didn't mean this, okay, I just I just thought
it was just like I don't know what I thought,
honeys everywhere I thought, honey, I saw your license plate
and then I saw your bumper stick the next to
it that said A B A T S. I didn't
know what that meant, but now it means all bads
are the same. I see you, Bro. I don't mean
man like, that's it's it's not a political movement. Okay,
(27:05):
I call this meeting of bears to order? Is Paranda here? Yeah?
Right here, bro Polar Yes, I'm here. Grizzly Koala here,
he's he's a marsupio. Okay, come to side. Come on,
(27:31):
he wants he wants bear status, and I think we
should hear him out, all right, all right, vote him out?
Who Who's that? Who's that? Who just have said that
I was grizzly? Um? Yeah, because I'm grizzly. Hey, everything's cool, Grizzly,
(27:51):
Everything's cool? All right? So do I get decide something?
It's me big reels, Okay, I will go not are
that is seen to Seen three. It comes Luca, Hi Kevin,
(28:15):
fantastic show. Here's another suggestive, the Monkey Club versus the
I Hate Monkeys Club. Good night, Luca. I want to
close the monkey exhibit at my zoo, and I should
have every right to do it. It's playing yourself, sir.
A lot of people have coming here warning to close
exhibits in the past. You're gonna have a big Well,
(28:40):
I'll tell you what. I walk in there and they're
acting foolish. I want some sophisticated animals acting like they're
in nature. So complaining that monkeys are monkeying around? Is
that what I am understand? Well, I think it's ridiculous
and this is a serious place for studies and these
monkeys are. Yeah, I guess spunky around is the term
(29:01):
I would use. Mr Chair may be recognized now. Please
recognize yourself at a a time you don't have to
ask me. I appreciate that, Mr Chair. I'm here on
behalf of the monkey lovers. We love the monkeys, and
we come from all over. We have a fan base
that's global, and they give me two examples of places
(29:22):
where you come from. We have members in Juno. All right, juno.
You would think up that far north there would be
fans of bears, but no, they are fans of monkeys.
We have a membership in from Argentina. Yes, so those
are two point is well proven. Go ahead, players, Okay,
so we love the monkeys, and people such as my
(29:45):
fellow standy right here are the reason monkeys get a
bad name. So don't look at me like that. Don't
don't look at me. You don't jest at me, sir.
Don't you bite your tongue at me. Don't you make
grunting noises. I put a lot of money here, and
I think that the monkeys take too much of it.
(30:06):
I feel like they none of the other animals are
that happy, the monkeys bringing money, the monkeys bringing sir,
don't don't don't talk to me directly. I be recognized,
Can I be? Please? Then here you know the rules
of the me, then there's no need to be asked
to be recognized. Recognized yourself, please go ahead, Well, I
(30:28):
recognize myself. First off, I just want to say that
this is a Christian zoo, and a Christian zoo. I
don't want to see all the ideas that evolution and whatnot,
all right, that's just not the way it is. Every
animal that was on Noah's Look, look, when this is
the the Nazoo reth where all know this, there's a
(30:49):
Christian zoo. You don't have to go into all of
the explanation. I do agree every animal was in Noah's
But please, sir, if you recognize yourself, make your point
as the monkeys were. I don't have to be I
don't have to be recognized apparently, So I'm just gonna
stand up and excuse myself. I've apparently come to the
(31:11):
wrong gathering. I am a fan of the monkeys. You're
Peter Tork and you're Michael Nesmith, the fellas who were
cast in a television show called The Monkeys, and you
you all are talking about primates I believe, and uh,
I've got no no dog in this uh fight. So
(31:32):
I'm just gonna excuse myself out there. He's talking about
dogs in the monkey meeting, exactly right. Please our head continue.
You know, I'm said, this is exactly what's wrong with society.
We're mixing up all the animals. Okay, I'm sorry. I
apologize again. I don't have a horse in this race,
so I'm just gonna take myself. What meeting are you
looking for, sir? It's very confusing to me. The monkeys.
(31:56):
All right, we'll start whenever Earl gets here, but he's
not coming. We would wait for you, would wait on
each each and every one of us, would weight on
all love us, would wait, would wait in the seventh
ring of hell for us to arrive. Yeah. See, y'all
didn't date his sister once. He once I date his
(32:18):
sister and we broke up. He never treated me the same,
So I don't want to hear it's a personal thing. Man.
That's that's personal. I mean, that's that's Earl holding it
personal against me. So why should I don't know your relationship? Man,
I'm not gonna judge. I don't want to. I don't
want to hash that out, all right, that's one of
my business, but I do. I'm just saying we should
get started. Don't you know how I feel? You know
(32:40):
how I feel about and and the monkeys, the the
Peter folk or whatever. Yeah, we all know his name.
There's no reason to say it. We don't have to
say their names. You guys know what their names. Yeah, High,
I am here for the audition for the monkeys. My
(33:03):
name is Peter Falcon, play guitar. I play several instruments
server and I'm happy to include them in my audition
if that is necessary, No, please go ahead, pick up
whatever instrument you choose it. Let me try the tambourine.
Is all right? If I try to tambourine? Now, please
go ahead. All right, I'm gonna shake the tambourine. Here
(33:24):
we go, saying as well at the same time, sir,
is that what you're asking me? I would love it? Uh,
you see the lyrics here here we come walking down
the street. Just go in memorized the lyrics. If there's
no smoking in the room, he can't smoke in the room.
But this cigar serves and affectation. It is not excuse me?
(33:46):
Can I wait in here? A wizard at a network executive?
All the all the other people we've cast so far
have been young and attractive, and this fellow is middle
aged and has an eye that's wondering of his face. Understood,
(34:06):
But we can't really call the audition over until Earle arrives.
So let's just wait for Earl to get here. For
Earl says he's out, then he's out. All right. So
you guys are Peter Huh, I got keys to the
monkey cage, and all you could do is get him
out of my zoo and keep this on the d
l alright there, you just need I'll take the keys.
(34:28):
There's there any security stuff that we need to know about? Lasers? Uh?
Machine gun? Machine gun? Is there any kind of same
team robot? Then I'm gonna have to go hand to
hand with I gotta be honest. I don't know, but
I don't think so it's is in the acid advance
that we need to tiptoe around. Listen, I'm just a donor.
(34:49):
I'm a big donor, almost donor of the zoo. So
I think just gonna be good noxious gas and knocks
us out and then we can wake up and there's
some kind of salt like apparatus around our neck and face.
If I could wait, if I could wait in here. Sorry,
I own a Middle Eastern sandwich place, and I think
(35:12):
there's been a misunderstanding. I'm not supposed to be a
part of this, uh this meeting. You have pens, don't you. Well?
We do have tons of peters right place in the
right place. Okay, Okay, what kinds of things do you
put on your petis? All sorts of things raw? I
(35:32):
did not say, Oh I heard pieceus. No, we don't
put raw pets. Here are ye, here ye, here are ye.
The court is in session now, sir. From what we understand,
Mr Jelowski, you ordered everyone to free the monkeys by
leading them away by wrapping raw ham around their penises.
(35:56):
Do we have that rap? You have it? Correct? Yes? Yes? Correct?
Did you not expect the monkey is to go, as
they would say, monkey ship crazy and start chewing the
raw hams from around the gentleman's pen I I thought
(36:19):
that there was a whole bunch of people and one
of us would have considered that as a possibility. I
didn't voice it because everybody else seemed to think it
was the best plan. So exhibit one. I'm going to
I'm gonna open my robe and drop my bridges right now. Oh,
excuse me, your honor, I don't mean that interrupt. Can
I ask one question? Please? But put down to tambourine
(36:42):
and ask your questions. That guy's a monkey, Thank you
very much, sir. I don't mean to be a pest
in any way, shape or form. I don't understand what
the person is saying that, is there any way we
could get an interpreter? Absolutely? Could We are join the
court more exactly ten minutes and fine and type for
(37:07):
me for you you want to start? Sure who needed?
Who need? You're juror number ten. I blew a guy
to get out of this, alright, this is Are you
the one with the trifled legs? I'm I'm unable to
kneel or it takes a lot of elaborate procedures to
(37:29):
get me to kneel, but I did blow a guy.
All right, Timmy, you're going in for your person interpreting?
Are you excited? Alright? Alright? Uh, just make sure to
lower your register when you get in there, and I don't.
They don't ever tell you who you're interpreting, so just
interpret everybody talking? All right? You promise we'll go to
(37:49):
six Flags after the trial. Yeah, if I can get
the tickets. Those tickets are hard to come by. You
have to know people, brokers, etcetera. So alright, good luck.
In ten minutes, it are up. We have the entipeter
who has walked into the courtroom. Hee, hello, what's a child? No, well,
(38:09):
the child as and in the eyes of the large
children are adults. We all know that. That's It's just
that I have adult language to use. And now, Mr Fox,
are you needed and and tape it up? So I
suppose this young man well until you pit pause. I'd
appreciate that very much, because again, it wasn't your honor, sir,
(38:31):
your honor that I didn't understand. I've picked up everything
you said. You're very clear, very articulate. Will you school
the broad servion well spoken? I'm well spoken. Barack Obama
was a friend of my family. I'm not familiar. Can
we just get this, gentleman, it's any other it's every
(38:54):
third word. If I could be honest, sir, I don't
mean to be a paste that I do not understand
what he's saying. For example, sir, if you were to
say one to three, let me hear it one two three,
I heard one to banana. Could we have the enjoyed?
But to make sure and Topeter, would you clear that
up for the court say it again? One two three?
(39:20):
He said, be nowther in topoters don't lie. They in
toupid that we didn't call it a court lion. That's
that's mine. Can I play with that? That's my wallet.
Do want to play with us? Yeah, if you ask
me in the courtroom, I all. And of course, in
(39:42):
this courtroom, in an object that is about on the
surfest or in somebody's clothing is allowed to be played with.
Go right ahead, young man. Okay. I called this meeting
of judges to order, and we are here to discuss
the the court room run by Judge Xavier. I'm George Xavier.
(40:04):
Hello everyone, Hello gudge judge we are we are here
to discuss your disrobing doing court as well as having
plentiful toys in your court. Will the judge from Virginia
like to have a seat, I will not sit up.
I have a bad back and I need to remain
(40:25):
erect al right, okay, well loaded the judge from Virginia, Well,
the judge Dredd, I am the law. Okay, that was
a mistake when we made a few years ago. I
did not see the photo. But he is here now
as part of the panel. Uh with the other judges.
Please recognize themselves in the room. Rude. It is wonderful
(40:52):
to see your game. Thank you, thank you. All right,
if we are done with my proceeding, then I suppose
I don't go go back. I'm in the middle of
making a sun tea and I want I want to
catch it before I get shady out. We just have
to get a vote. To get a vote of all
the people who say Judge Xavier should keep his courtroom
(41:15):
one two, three votes, you are granted an extension on
your judge license. Oh thank you so much. This was
much easier than I expected. Look at this, and I
just hope bunch of teacher sitting down here knowing around.
I mean, we should drink. You should drink. Maybe we
should do some target shooting. If you know what I'm saying.
(41:38):
I don't under any want to shoot the tea. What
would you do? You know what I'm saying, We jerk
ourselves a soda in the tea. See if we can
get it inside the picture. We jerk a soda in
the in the tea. You're gonna ruin the TeV jerking soda.
It depends on who you're talking to. I'm saying. Talking
practice goes like this, what what the hell are you doing? Jesus,
(42:04):
are you guys junking into this tea? I guess I
just want to have the normal years your honor. I
am defending my clients because they did nothing wrong. When
some tea is left out in the sun with no
(42:24):
one watching it, what else are you supposed to do?
Commna art, commna artor This is the courtroom of Judge
in Davia, Judge Xavier's brother. Now, I know it is
highly unlikely that I should be reigning over their court,
but all the other judges are at sex flags today.
(42:48):
Now when you gee, did you say sex flax sex?
Let me call the interpreter and hold on. Interpret out,
interpret out. I'm gonna say a way he didn't. Just
let me know what it sounds like. Oh these six
six flags? See again, six flags. I'm tired if we
(43:15):
get take just ten pnuts your honor. I already served
my jury duty during Naz versus Peter. Please unfold your
trifold legs, not unfolded their naturally fall this way, all right, judge,
before we go to recess. There's plenty of tea here
(43:36):
for everybody. But do you have any big ass in
the back so we can cool these teas down? I'm
sorry you said big yes for the t I like
my tea asked, I do not. I do not have
any big ash in the back. If I may. I
(44:01):
don't mean to interrupt. It was fairly clear to me
that the gentleman asked if you had a bag of ice,
and you seem to think something completely different came out
of his orifice. It's Peter Falk for the monkeys. Holy shit.
Sorry to bother everybody. It's just a affection. That's exactly
right now. When it comes to the bag of ice.
(44:24):
The water people want you to believe that they create ice.
That's not true. Ice actually comes from the bottom of
a monkey. What Peter, thank you. Mr Polivar is out
right now, but he does want to thank you for
the service that you did in the courtroom today. Well, listen,
(44:47):
you choose sides and you stick with them no matter what.
That's how I was reached. You really aren't an amazing actor, uh,
an amazing lawyer, and an amazing musician. Mr polar Bear
would like to know if there's anything that he can
do for you or your family. Yeah, I would say
(45:07):
stay out of the city. That would be helpful. I'm
i am to tell Mr polar Bear to stay out
of the city. If you want to say it correctly,
I believe the term would be stay to funk out
of the city. That would be very good for me
and my friends. Do you want to wake up the
polar Bear right now to tell him to stay out
of the city. I would like Thomas to wake him up.
The same guy who was racist with him earlier and
(45:28):
brought him honey and said all bears are the same
A bats ad A t s. You can just say, Thomas,
I know who it is, okay, Thomas, Oh yeah, this
is about my hat. I ever want to take my
hat off. That's our show today. It is about your hat.
Let's say thank you to Mr James he and James
(45:50):
always a pleasure. Thank you so much for joining us.
Thank you for having me. God bless you and your family.
All right, Mr Gary Anthony Williams, thank you so damn
much for being You've saved my life. You know, last
night a DJ saved my life, but you saved my
life and well it's what we do. Thank you. Yeah,
(46:11):
thank you. Man. And the crew is the television series
on Netflix. Check it out. Gary. Uh, all the reviews
are in and they said that you've stolen the show.
I don't know if that's a legal issue. A legal issue. Yeah,
and Mr Craig Atkowski, thank you so damn much my pleasure.
Six flags or sex flags reminded me of the word
(46:32):
of the day, which is vexology. Yeah, xillo. Vexology is
the study of flags. Damn it, Joe, you knew that right, Okay, thanks, oh,
thank you for being here as well. Thank you for
having me. I love seeing you all so fun and
(46:53):
a tool, a tool saying always a pleasure. Thank you.
And you'll be present of the Austin Sketch Fest because
you went to undergraduate school. There is that, correct, Yeah,
I'm a I'm a longhorn through and through a t
X sketch Fest dot com. Check it out and you
join us for sure. All right? Cool. Let's thank our
(47:16):
engineer and producer with the stars, Mr Dug Bean. Find
folks that I heart Media's Kevin Pollack. Reminding you to
please be kind to each other is the easiest thing
to do. You just walk outside with your mask on.
You'll lower it for a second so they can see
you're smiling. You put that mask back the hell up
over your nose. Okay, thanks, thanks for watching Alchemy. Let's
(47:39):
tell everyone you've ever met if you have a moment,
write a review and or rate the show until next
time h no.
We'll be back to another episode about me the night
one edition. I'm your how it's getting podcast back? No,
in this case, no means how much are we talking?
But I digress. Let's meet the Shani and no predicular order.
Least say good afternoon to a tool saying doctors without interest.
What is your favorite time of day or night and wine? Well,
(00:25):
I'm you know, it's it's whatever it is. It's late
at night. I really I shine eleven PM to four am.
I hear about like movie shows and TV shows shooting
at night, and I'll be like, I'm waiting for that
day and maybe, yeah, I don't know, I feel like
just that's when I'm glowing. I am just really not
gonna if I take two hours to do it from
(00:45):
midnight to two am, I'll take four hours to do
it during one pm to four pm five pm. Your
brain is just at a higher frequency between eleven am,
eleven pm and four am. I think that's how Einstein
and and Franklin worked. Yeah, so I think I'm, you know,
not to compare, but yeah, I think I'm in the
same boat. Okay, Well, Franklin took an air bath, so
(01:06):
let's start there. Hey, it's James Heeney slamming j j
Heinster favorite brand of ice cream, and why uh, I
really like the This is a very I think local
to California. But Rose Creamery that's on Venice, it's on
Main Street. It's so good and they it tastes so
real and honest, They're mint flavor ice cream is insane.
(01:31):
It makes me take mint leaves and put it on
my garbage ice cream at home. You're saying that the
ice cream itself tastes honest, well, because the stuff I
have in my freezer does not taste honest. I mean
it's good and I can sprinkle some real mint leaves
on it, but it does not taste like it was
made with real mint. But it's full of sh and
(01:53):
not I'm not talking flavor. All right. Hey, there's Gary
Anthony william hey Man, that g a Williams. If you
were a sandwich, what kind would you be in? Why?
I would not be an honest sandwich. I'm gonna not
gonna lie to you. I would be a lion, open face.
I'd be an open face, breathless falafel sandwich. Now we're talking.
(02:17):
And now Craigkowski with his three rules of cooking, Kevin,
it's walking my kitchen. It's it's great to have you here.
My three rules of cooking. We're gonna start with a
little olive oil and we're just gonna do a light
sprinkling there. Oil makes everything better. We're gonna add some butter.
We're gonna have some butter there. Uh. And then I've
(02:42):
got some sea salt from the Mediterranean Sea and br
gonna sprinkle that on there, and you're just gonna swirl
that together. So buttered salt oil, start with that. But
anything you want in there, and you're gonna be good.
Thank you for that. And last, but may your order
never be up. If you think of leaves, it's Joe
we Greers, think machine. How will I know when you're ready?
(03:03):
M you think you're gonna know? Do you think you've
got the power to know when I'm ready? If you
think if you're waiting for me to be ready, you're
already so far behind. I'm already there, baby. You know
what I'm saying every single Let me just say this
because that's just I get email this a lot. Alright.
When when I wake up, I'm good to go. You
know what I'm saying there's no like I gotta kind
(03:25):
of shake off the cobwebs or whatever, or dust off
the copper. I am there, right, I'm ready to go. Okay,
and so what about from eleven pm to four you?
I go to bed at seven pm. Number one today
comes to us from Will who wrote, Hello alchemists and Kevin.
I work in social work, and our job is to
(03:47):
find permanency for young people in foster care. Your magic
is a bright spot on my day to day that
is full of bad news that impacts adolescence. I have
been listening since day one, and Kevin, you are now
my answer to what famous person would you have dinner with? Huh? Anyway,
could you and the team please help me understand the
(04:09):
lobbying that took place to get ice is food on
the bags and maybe how the good people let water
feel about that? Thanks Will Savoy. Now we just look.
Just go through it again. Okay, just go through it again.
They're gonna be voted on this soon, all right, so
we gotta just god damn, Okay, all right, what are
(04:30):
you proposing? I know, I'm confused. I walked in very late.
All right, what's going on here? What's woke up. I
just woke up very very late. I'm sorry, I was up.
It was up till four am. It's when I get
my stuff done. Have you ever seen him at like
three eight? He's like magic. He's like lightning if you
could catch if you could capture lightning and put it
(04:52):
somehow in some type of vessel something to last. Perhaps bottle,
I'm trying to Okay, name on it. Let's say bottle,
and then you cram that bottle into my head. Guess
what that's? So? What's what's the what's the good word? Humming?
Can we just talk about that for a second. I
hear you pacing around? Is that you who was pacing
around from eleven to four in the morning. Yes, I
(05:15):
do a lot of pacing because I am a live wire. Okay,
So then are you the one vanalizing all the all
the machines, all the all the food machines. Is that you?
Or is that somebody? I don't think all of them.
I don't think all of them are me. God, Okay,
I can't even get into this right now, but I
hate to be this guy. I got here late and
I gotta leave early. What do we do? What do
you mean you gotta leave early. Leave I have a thing.
(05:36):
I think I think I have a thing. Then you
don't have. It's this kind of disorganization that has made
us a pawn at the hands of Big Ice. We
are big Water. We should be doing better. They're us
plus cold, that's all they are. He's got a point.
The man's got a point. Let's behind the man. U,
(06:01):
Mr polar Bear, thank you so much for uh you're
bringing us all here today. And I think if you'll
see my proposal, uh you you might see we have
a fighting chance to uh come into uh striking distance
of the if you will Ice lobby. So if you can, everybody,
but hey, look, I got here late. I got to
(06:21):
go early. But in the meantime you're clearing your throat
like a fucking madman. Here, could we could somebody what
is it that you have to say. I'm very irritable today.
I am very irritable. Just get some water. Let me
just oh my god, that's good room temper um, sir.
If we designate ice of food, then Big Ice is
(06:43):
gonna have to go through the same rigorous standards that
let's say raw Ham or let's say just regular Ham
has to go through in order to be on food shelves. Sir,
I I want to apologize for coming down on him,
just for clearing his throat. But he's right, Big guys
is wiping. I don't know what. What's the thing that
the bottom of a hot there's a roof, there's a fool,
(07:05):
there's the floor. They're wiping the floor with our asses
over here, there's sometimes I'm a polar bear, and I
know metaphors better than you, guys. I'm not I'm not sure.
I'm not good with words or thoughts. But what I'm
trying to say is he's right. If we can trick
Big Ice into being a food the rigorous undertakings, they'll
(07:30):
somebody helped me with the next worried out of subject
subject regulation regulation. Here, here, you here, you we call
the meeting in order. This is the committee to label
items as food. We have a long list to go through. Uh,
we're just gonna right now on the agenda. I'm gonna
tell are the briefcase people here, briefcase people, sure, so
(07:53):
briefcase people are here. We believe we are food. Okay,
we're gonna ask you to go ahead and leave. That's
not gonna happen today. All right, all right, Next that
we have the uh, the the remote control people? Are
they here? Is that the same party? I'm afraid of
saying that we're here because I have this feeling you're
gonna tell me to leave. And I'm confident that I'm
(08:14):
a food and that we we remote controls are Wait wait,
wait a minute. You're confident that your food, well, you're
confident that the product you sell is a food sales
remote control. The Centator of Virginia will stand down. I
will not. I will not stand down, so because I
(08:36):
have back issues and I will be standing throughout this
entire year. He's making me nervous, and I don't feel
comfortable saying I have a remote control. You're dismissed, remote
control team. Oh this is bullshit. The Ottoman people, Please,
you are ruling for the Ottoman people. Yes, I belie.
(09:00):
The Senator from Tennessee will be answering that question. Real
arm of people who don't all I'd like to translate
for the gentleman from Tennessee. Al Right, I think we
(09:22):
all know what that means. So thank you for coming. Now,
how are these people even getting access to this here?
And because they are no way close to food, brief
briefcases down and remote control. I will not sit. These
meetings aren't for obvious things that are already categorized as food,
(09:45):
like apples and uh say, which isn't ham unorthodox? Speaking
of unorthodox time, my name is James Franklin. I live
in a Jewish neighborhood. I'm not Jewish. I really appreciate
ate their ways. This is my friend Thomas here, and
we come here on behalf of the ice consoltio. Big guys. Yes,
(10:12):
Thomas will lay out a couple of points, and I
will piggyback him, mostly by saying that's right. Yeah, do
you get it? I'm sorry? Is he saying big guys
are big as? I'm sorry, big guys, Thomas? How do
you spell that? I'm trying to I know it starts.
I'm Are you still hearing big gass? Let me try
it again, big guys? Did you hear the gus? Okay,
(10:37):
let me try one more time, Big guys, did you
still hear big ass? I mean, I can see it.
I don't just hear it anymore. You want to eat it,
It's probably not gonna be at the food Sunny boy,
the big ass is definitely a meal. Were now, well,
we're not going to label ass as food. I'm sorry, guys,
(10:58):
Thomas and I literally say, my god, Thomas, maybe you
can say it better than I am. I'm just confusing
these people. Did you guys hear that that's a big
old eyes sh Did you guys hear that big? Did
we have? Could we take ten minutes, Thomas and I too,
(11:20):
just regroup and then we'll be right back in the
room with you guys. Okay, the recess is granted. Oh
my gosh, can you hear? I can't. I can't believe it.
I can't believe it. And I can't believe number one,
I can't believe. I want to go. I want to
go see that. What's what's the name of the place
(11:40):
where the president the White House? Want that? And I
want to You have a mental disorder, man, There's something
going on with yes, yes, yes, yes, but constantly you
don't you don't remember stuff. I don't remember anything. Oh
my god, dude. There's just six Flags so close to
d C. We should go. When I hear you guys
say you want to go to six Flags? Yeah, yeah,
(12:04):
we didn't. That just wasn't, but I thought I heard
somebody that I want to go to the bad Yeah,
you want to be people? Yeah, we don't know. Listen
Ottoman's side. They're good for your feet. But if you
want to go to these legs, I'm a guy. You
want to talk? Okay, Yeah, we do want to go
to your body. It's just two of us. Just can
I tell you you're a party of seven? Would that
(12:26):
work for? But we don't know if that would work.
You have no idea what you're doing right now? Yeah?
Are you selling us tickle our six you morons to Washington,
d C. For twenty four hours to pose to pose
as as lobbyists. And you're telling me you had to
(12:49):
eat an ottoman in order to in order to pose
as being a party of seven to get it to
six blacksman. And then we bought five extra pairs of pants,
uh in five extra shirts to pretend that we were
a party of seven. And to be clear, we did
get enough of those Batman capes for everybody. So this
(13:11):
I don't want you to think that we just problem.
I'm a polar bear. That cape is not gonna fit
on me, no matter how big it is. Sarah we
we had we found a bigger problem with every time
we tried to say big ice, they thought we were
saying big ass, and so that kind of was a Oh,
that that's a big problem. Is it a bigger problem
(13:32):
than the meltic of the polar ice caps, which is
drastically reducing by native habitat the Arctic Circle? Ask cap?
Did you say? Ask caps? I did not say asked cap.
I don't think they're coming back from the recess. I
feel like we should just I think we should abandon
this meeting. I've got family at home. I just have
a question for the senator from from Arkansas. Why haven't
(13:54):
we ever considered asked to be a food? I mean,
I feel like this is something we should take on
because you don't swallow it. It stays on the ass.
That is so seen one. If I can put a
stop too, I'm gonna do that now. Scene two comes
(14:18):
from from patron VP Andrew, who wrote Hello and Still
Loving to podcast Eve. It's very fun listening while essentially
at work. My fits of laughter even make my co
workers laugh. If only he knew the content and context.
Here's a suggestion. A group of individuals have been summoned
for jury duty. All right, we're right back in court.
(14:39):
But none of them want to serve or participate. What excuses?
What excuses would they make to be excused? Thanks again
for all the laughs, Andrew. Alright, potential jurors, if you
had this step in the room, see over here, that's across,
could just oh my knee, my knee, just oh my knee.
(15:04):
Do I still have to sir? Well, yeah, just hop
on my back here there going, okay, gonna just everyone
in the room, see yeah, go ahead, sir. Oh, I'm
in the body of Melvin, but I honestly had one
of those freaky Friday instances. And no, I'm actually actually Bobby,
(15:25):
which is Melvin's son. I'm a lot of your concerns
right now that you're telling I'm just the guy who
takes you into rooms see where you will be questioned.
I'm just the guy I don't even know if not
of the court. Okay again, cure any magical ailments. You
can do all of that you want once you talk
to the guy who's going to be interviewing you. I'm
(15:46):
literally just the guy who walks you from the door
over the room. See, Terry, we just need you to
take the jurors into the room. All right, you're chatting
him up. You're taking a while to have conversations. Just
hand in the air, sir, Hand in the air over here.
The oath is only important in the in the in
the core room. All right. We don't know, okay, okay,
(16:07):
so maybe please let's let's chat from me. Is that
what you would you would you? I'm gonna I'm gonna
put a wire on myself so you can hear what
I go through, and I just try to ussure them
from from the door. Tom. It's not it's not me, sir,
It's not on me. We don't have wires. I don't.
We're not the d e A. Could you give me
(16:29):
ten minutes to come back with a wire on myself?
Just ten minutes. Your recess is granted. Yeah, you got
wires here if you want that different recording stuff. Yeah.
We actually just got in these r C cars. So
don't don't be tempting to either. I can guarantee you
I'm tempted right now. I can guarantee you that temptee.
(16:52):
I'm just looking for something to put on my body
and I don't mind if you do it. I have
eight minutes left right now, thank god, story to where
I work. Put it on my body so that I
can secretly record what other people say to me. Yeah,
so you want some kind of what's the word I'm
looking here for? That's checks like him, go ahead, some
(17:15):
secret record? Careful what those are too late to not food? Man,
they weren't designated food, even though they smell and taste
m um. So you want some kind of like spy
equipment or something, putting something just to put on my
body and so I can record. That's so my boss
can hear it. Right. Well, Hey, Sammy, listen, I need
(17:40):
you to keep selling the equipment. But what I don't
need is for you to fall asleep while you're at
the job. Oh yeah, sorry late one last night. Okay, okay,
because we've got complaints in the past about your narcolepsy,
and so if you if you want to maybe not
blame it on anything that happened night, and let's just
talk about the disorder that's in your fucking brain. Well,
(18:03):
I went I just last night. I was like, I'm
just like four in the morning, and the shop just
like clean up and re organized, Like that's what I
like in my peak. It's that tone of right there
that you're talking with. I can't have customers hearing that,
uh huh, just putting. I don't want to buy anything
from you unless you're selling guns, so I can shoot
myself in the eye, like me Green, I don't know
(18:25):
about that. I don't want to. I don't want you
to do that. You so, but yeah, we can open
the shop late, maybe that we have like a late
night shoppers, late night shoppers or something, and then they
should come in and then and then when they're shopping
at late night, then I'll be like on with it,
you know. So if people are gonna like if people
come in late night, and then I'll be able to
(18:47):
get you. See, I am a time traveler, so I
already know the results of this case, which I believe
kind of taints me from being Would you just tell
into just right below my stern um, Just put your
face down there and tell me everything you say. I
feel talking down here, Okay, it's easier on my knees,
(19:10):
might smell him. Just talk right into that alright, smells good.
What was your excuse? I come from the future. I've
time traveled back to now, but since I'm from the future.
I know the results of this case. Ironically, I followed
it closely, so I'm very aware and I should not
(19:32):
be here. And again, you do understand. I'm just the
man that walks you from the door. This is where
we go to get out of jury duty. Huh. You
gotta get on your knees. Alright, alright, whatever it takes, man,
I'm willing to do it. Okay, boss, I have a
fool recording everything that one guy told me he was
(19:54):
from the future. Another guy says he's going to get
on his knees so we can get out of jury
do but his legs are trifolded and he gets confused
at how to get down on his knees. Are you
gonna recap the recording? Are you gonna play the recording? Oh,
that's what I'm gonna tell you. It's all recorded, but
I don't have the speaker so you can hear it. Okay,
(20:14):
Then I need you to go ahead and do the
play by play like you were doing. Way described everything
I need all day. There was a guy with a
with a beard, and it was one of those beards
where it's nicely manicured, but it didn't he didn't look
like he was trying too hard. He looks like I'm
trying just the right amount. It sounds like a perfect
(20:36):
juror exactly. That's what I thought. I said, Oh you,
you might be perfect for but I'm just the man
that walks you from the door. He said, oh, I
thought this was for jewelry. He thought it was a
jewelry store. And he said he gets confused by all
j words, so he couldn't sit all right, if anyone
ever asked for a jury store, I have a great
place I go down to. This guy sells electronics. Could
(20:57):
you say this in it right below my stern? Yeah, yeah,
he sells. He sells electronics, are c cars, jewelry, and
it's fantastic. That's that's where I got wired. That's the
guy who who wired me. Oh what a coincidence. You
know what they say that there aren't a lot of
(21:19):
coincidences in life. I think something else is happening here.
There was a guy who said he was a wizard
who tried to get into jury. Dude, I think he
may have wizarded us. Give me five minutes just to
talk to him. Just five more minutes. The recess is granted.
So you said you were a wizard. Yes, I am
the court wizard, as I mean as as a wizard.
(21:45):
Don't you think that you should be in jury duty?
I don't think anything. I know I see through time.
If you see through time, that was all I had
out of haven't Yes, if you see the time I
didn't have. Okay, let's let's start over again from the
(22:06):
top there, if you don't mind. And in terms of
the wizard voice, you know, he's really just a guy
who happens to be a wizard. Okay, so let's try
that from the top. Please. Thanks when you're ready. I'm
sorry you said you're the court wizard. I am director.
He's doing it again. He just did the same thing.
(22:28):
I don't note for me. Who is that note for?
I don't I don't necessarily need you to ask me
to step in that as the director, I'll know when
to step in. And trying to act over here, Yeah,
he's doing it. Are you sure if I were in here, Dwayne? Yes,
please please do Hello. This is my story that we're telling,
(22:51):
and I'm a wizard, of course, and I don't use
some sort of affectation in my voice. I just speak
like a regular person. See that he's just a person
who happens to be a wizard. Okay, do you not
hear the way it sounds. It sounds like a wizard.
I just do this. I'm just gonna take ten minutes
to myself and just go outside and just go. Okay, Money,
(23:16):
I'm doing the best I can here. Okay, this is
the only film that was coming up for you. Okay,
I think it's gonna be a big pop once it goes.
Trust me, you're gonna get a lot of rules. Okay,
just stick with it. But Money, baby, Hello, you see
little distracted, seem little tired. Wait a minute, Hey, hey, hello, hello,
(23:39):
I think you have me not only confused, but correctly
confused with the wrong guy. I'm trying to take a step,
A ten minute break. One. Oh god, I've ever one.
Is it too late to recast? I mean, he's yourself.
(24:00):
Tape was so good, but we got have been the
room and and everything's going out the window. Listen. I
appreciate you on set as the technical advisor. Um, but
as they say in film, I'm it's my set. So
if anyone needs to be invited in or invited out,
that's going to come from me, of course, hands off off.
(24:24):
I yeah, I'm a Washington Wizard. I'm here for the
role of a wizard. Normally I play point guard, but
I can play any of the roles. I can play center,
I can play forward, I can play power forward. So
what do you need me to play? I'm sorry you're
saying you're actually with the team, the Washington Wizards. Yes, yes,
Washington Wizards. Uh yeah, we had a tough go at it.
But uh you know again, I can shoot, I can
(24:45):
dribble whatever you need. I can play. Do you want
me to do? You want me to read with him?
Or know? I have five more minutes of my break,
but I'll do it. Please read with them that great
from the top. Then there if when you're ready, Yeah,
just give me the ball and I'll be it a goo.
Yeah no, we're not gonna give you the ball. I
just want you to do the scene without without the ball.
(25:09):
Who's who's this human? Yeah, that's the he wrote the
this is his life story we're doing? Oh you used
to play for the Wizards. Nope, he's a He's an
actual wizard, but not a Do have NBA League Pass
and I've seen your games? You can't dribble or shoot. Wow,
I get heckled on the court. I didn't think it
would happen here. All right, Mr polar Bear, I am
(25:32):
so sorry to interrupt. But the Wizard movie, I'm hibernating. Sorry,
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I did bring a
tub of honey for your just to go to town
with um. But the Wizard movie that we have, that's
gonna be our head piece on big Ice. They need
more money. So okay, so you're you're authorized, you're you
(25:57):
woke me up from two bucks of hibernation. Just wanted
the firms. I didn't want to just say, yes, you
wake up, you're groggy, you're gonna be upset, and I
don't eat fucking honey. That's more of a grizzly thing. Okay, okay, okay.
I thought all bears were the same. I didn't know
the pooh yo Thomas man. I heard you wake up,
(26:18):
Mr Polo band man. Yeah I did. Yeah, and then
you said some racist bullshit about all bads are the
same too. I didn't know that's that's who Thomas is. No, no, no,
it's not like that. I didn't know. I thought be
like Thomas We was friends. Man, you came into my house,
you made love to my wife and friends, we was tight, brother, Panda.
(26:42):
I didn't mean this, okay, I just I just thought
it was just like I don't know what I thought,
honeys everywhere I thought, honey, I saw your license plate
and then I saw your bumper stick the next to
it that said A B A T S. I didn't
know what that meant, but now it means all bads
are the same. I see you, Bro. I don't mean
man like, that's it's it's not a political movement. Okay,
(27:05):
I call this meeting of bears to order? Is Paranda here? Yeah?
Right here, bro Polar Yes, I'm here. Grizzly Koala here,
he's he's a marsupio. Okay, come to side. Come on,
(27:31):
he wants he wants bear status, and I think we
should hear him out, all right, all right, vote him out?
Who Who's that? Who's that? Who just have said that
I was grizzly? Um? Yeah, because I'm grizzly. Hey, everything's cool, Grizzly,
(27:51):
Everything's cool? All right? So do I get decide something?
It's me big reels, Okay, I will go not are
that is seen to Seen three. It comes Luca, Hi Kevin,
(28:15):
fantastic show. Here's another suggestive, the Monkey Club versus the
I Hate Monkeys Club. Good night, Luca. I want to
close the monkey exhibit at my zoo, and I should
have every right to do it. It's playing yourself, sir.
A lot of people have coming here warning to close
exhibits in the past. You're gonna have a big Well,
(28:40):
I'll tell you what. I walk in there and they're
acting foolish. I want some sophisticated animals acting like they're
in nature. So complaining that monkeys are monkeying around? Is
that what I am understand? Well, I think it's ridiculous
and this is a serious place for studies and these
monkeys are. Yeah, I guess spunky around is the term
(29:01):
I would use. Mr Chair may be recognized now. Please
recognize yourself at a a time you don't have to
ask me. I appreciate that, Mr Chair. I'm here on
behalf of the monkey lovers. We love the monkeys, and
we come from all over. We have a fan base
that's global, and they give me two examples of places
(29:22):
where you come from. We have members in Juno. All right, juno.
You would think up that far north there would be
fans of bears, but no, they are fans of monkeys.
We have a membership in from Argentina. Yes, so those
are two point is well proven. Go ahead, players, Okay,
so we love the monkeys, and people such as my
(29:45):
fellow standy right here are the reason monkeys get a
bad name. So don't look at me like that. Don't
don't look at me. You don't jest at me, sir.
Don't you bite your tongue at me. Don't you make
grunting noises. I put a lot of money here, and
I think that the monkeys take too much of it.
(30:06):
I feel like they none of the other animals are
that happy, the monkeys bringing money, the monkeys bringing sir,
don't don't don't talk to me directly. I be recognized,
Can I be? Please? Then here you know the rules
of the me, then there's no need to be asked
to be recognized. Recognized yourself, please go ahead, Well, I
(30:28):
recognize myself. First off, I just want to say that
this is a Christian zoo, and a Christian zoo. I
don't want to see all the ideas that evolution and whatnot,
all right, that's just not the way it is. Every
animal that was on Noah's Look, look, when this is
the the Nazoo reth where all know this, there's a
(30:49):
Christian zoo. You don't have to go into all of
the explanation. I do agree every animal was in Noah's
But please, sir, if you recognize yourself, make your point
as the monkeys were. I don't have to be I
don't have to be recognized apparently, So I'm just gonna
stand up and excuse myself. I've apparently come to the
(31:11):
wrong gathering. I am a fan of the monkeys. You're
Peter Tork and you're Michael Nesmith, the fellas who were
cast in a television show called The Monkeys, and you
you all are talking about primates I believe, and uh,
I've got no no dog in this uh fight. So
(31:32):
I'm just gonna excuse myself out there. He's talking about
dogs in the monkey meeting, exactly right. Please our head continue.
You know, I'm said, this is exactly what's wrong with society.
We're mixing up all the animals. Okay, I'm sorry. I
apologize again. I don't have a horse in this race,
so I'm just gonna take myself. What meeting are you
looking for, sir? It's very confusing to me. The monkeys.
(31:56):
All right, we'll start whenever Earl gets here, but he's
not coming. We would wait for you, would wait on
each each and every one of us, would weight on
all love us, would wait, would wait in the seventh
ring of hell for us to arrive. Yeah. See, y'all
didn't date his sister once. He once I date his
(32:18):
sister and we broke up. He never treated me the same,
So I don't want to hear it's a personal thing. Man.
That's that's personal. I mean, that's that's Earl holding it
personal against me. So why should I don't know your relationship? Man,
I'm not gonna judge. I don't want to. I don't
want to hash that out, all right, that's one of
my business, but I do. I'm just saying we should
get started. Don't you know how I feel? You know
(32:40):
how I feel about and and the monkeys, the the
Peter folk or whatever. Yeah, we all know his name.
There's no reason to say it. We don't have to
say their names. You guys know what their names. Yeah, High,
I am here for the audition for the monkeys. My
(33:03):
name is Peter Falcon, play guitar. I play several instruments
server and I'm happy to include them in my audition
if that is necessary, No, please go ahead, pick up
whatever instrument you choose it. Let me try the tambourine.
Is all right? If I try to tambourine? Now, please
go ahead. All right, I'm gonna shake the tambourine. Here
(33:24):
we go, saying as well at the same time, sir,
is that what you're asking me? I would love it? Uh,
you see the lyrics here here we come walking down
the street. Just go in memorized the lyrics. If there's
no smoking in the room, he can't smoke in the room.
But this cigar serves and affectation. It is not excuse me?
(33:46):
Can I wait in here? A wizard at a network executive?
All the all the other people we've cast so far
have been young and attractive, and this fellow is middle
aged and has an eye that's wondering of his face. Understood,
(34:06):
But we can't really call the audition over until Earle arrives.
So let's just wait for Earl to get here. For
Earl says he's out, then he's out. All right. So
you guys are Peter Huh, I got keys to the
monkey cage, and all you could do is get him
out of my zoo and keep this on the d
l alright there, you just need I'll take the keys.
(34:28):
There's there any security stuff that we need to know about? Lasers? Uh?
Machine gun? Machine gun? Is there any kind of same
team robot? Then I'm gonna have to go hand to
hand with I gotta be honest. I don't know, but
I don't think so it's is in the acid advance
that we need to tiptoe around. Listen, I'm just a donor.
(34:49):
I'm a big donor, almost donor of the zoo. So
I think just gonna be good noxious gas and knocks
us out and then we can wake up and there's
some kind of salt like apparatus around our neck and face.
If I could wait, if I could wait in here. Sorry,
I own a Middle Eastern sandwich place, and I think
(35:12):
there's been a misunderstanding. I'm not supposed to be a
part of this, uh this meeting. You have pens, don't you. Well?
We do have tons of peters right place in the
right place. Okay, Okay, what kinds of things do you
put on your petis? All sorts of things raw? I
(35:32):
did not say, Oh I heard pieceus. No, we don't
put raw pets. Here are ye, here ye, here are ye.
The court is in session now, sir. From what we understand,
Mr Jelowski, you ordered everyone to free the monkeys by
leading them away by wrapping raw ham around their penises.
(35:56):
Do we have that rap? You have it? Correct? Yes? Yes? Correct?
Did you not expect the monkey is to go, as
they would say, monkey ship crazy and start chewing the
raw hams from around the gentleman's pen I I thought
(36:19):
that there was a whole bunch of people and one
of us would have considered that as a possibility. I
didn't voice it because everybody else seemed to think it
was the best plan. So exhibit one. I'm going to
I'm gonna open my robe and drop my bridges right now. Oh,
excuse me, your honor, I don't mean that interrupt. Can
I ask one question? Please? But put down to tambourine
(36:42):
and ask your questions. That guy's a monkey, Thank you
very much, sir. I don't mean to be a pest
in any way, shape or form. I don't understand what
the person is saying that, is there any way we
could get an interpreter? Absolutely? Could We are join the
court more exactly ten minutes and fine and type for
(37:07):
me for you you want to start? Sure who needed?
Who need? You're juror number ten. I blew a guy
to get out of this, alright, this is Are you
the one with the trifled legs? I'm I'm unable to
kneel or it takes a lot of elaborate procedures to
(37:29):
get me to kneel, but I did blow a guy.
All right, Timmy, you're going in for your person interpreting?
Are you excited? Alright? Alright? Uh, just make sure to
lower your register when you get in there, and I don't.
They don't ever tell you who you're interpreting, so just
interpret everybody talking? All right? You promise we'll go to
(37:49):
six Flags after the trial. Yeah, if I can get
the tickets. Those tickets are hard to come by. You
have to know people, brokers, etcetera. So alright, good luck.
In ten minutes, it are up. We have the entipeter
who has walked into the courtroom. Hee, hello, what's a child? No, well,
(38:09):
the child as and in the eyes of the large
children are adults. We all know that. That's It's just
that I have adult language to use. And now, Mr Fox,
are you needed and and tape it up? So I
suppose this young man well until you pit pause. I'd
appreciate that very much, because again, it wasn't your honor, sir,
(38:31):
your honor that I didn't understand. I've picked up everything
you said. You're very clear, very articulate. Will you school
the broad servion well spoken? I'm well spoken. Barack Obama
was a friend of my family. I'm not familiar. Can
we just get this, gentleman, it's any other it's every
(38:54):
third word. If I could be honest, sir, I don't
mean to be a paste that I do not understand
what he's saying. For example, sir, if you were to
say one to three, let me hear it one two three,
I heard one to banana. Could we have the enjoyed?
But to make sure and Topeter, would you clear that
up for the court say it again? One two three?
(39:20):
He said, be nowther in topoters don't lie. They in
toupid that we didn't call it a court lion. That's
that's mine. Can I play with that? That's my wallet.
Do want to play with us? Yeah, if you ask
me in the courtroom, I all. And of course, in
(39:42):
this courtroom, in an object that is about on the
surfest or in somebody's clothing is allowed to be played with.
Go right ahead, young man. Okay. I called this meeting
of judges to order, and we are here to discuss
the the court room run by Judge Xavier. I'm George Xavier.
(40:04):
Hello everyone, Hello gudge judge we are we are here
to discuss your disrobing doing court as well as having
plentiful toys in your court. Will the judge from Virginia
like to have a seat, I will not sit up.
I have a bad back and I need to remain
(40:25):
erect al right, okay, well loaded the judge from Virginia, Well,
the judge Dredd, I am the law. Okay, that was
a mistake when we made a few years ago. I
did not see the photo. But he is here now
as part of the panel. Uh with the other judges.
Please recognize themselves in the room. Rude. It is wonderful
(40:52):
to see your game. Thank you, thank you. All right,
if we are done with my proceeding, then I suppose
I don't go go back. I'm in the middle of
making a sun tea and I want I want to
catch it before I get shady out. We just have
to get a vote. To get a vote of all
the people who say Judge Xavier should keep his courtroom
(41:15):
one two, three votes, you are granted an extension on
your judge license. Oh thank you so much. This was
much easier than I expected. Look at this, and I
just hope bunch of teacher sitting down here knowing around.
I mean, we should drink. You should drink. Maybe we
should do some target shooting. If you know what I'm saying.
(41:38):
I don't under any want to shoot the tea. What
would you do? You know what I'm saying, We jerk
ourselves a soda in the tea. See if we can
get it inside the picture. We jerk a soda in
the in the tea. You're gonna ruin the TeV jerking soda.
It depends on who you're talking to. I'm saying. Talking
practice goes like this, what what the hell are you doing? Jesus,
(42:04):
are you guys junking into this tea? I guess I
just want to have the normal years your honor. I
am defending my clients because they did nothing wrong. When
some tea is left out in the sun with no
(42:24):
one watching it, what else are you supposed to do?
Commna art, commna artor This is the courtroom of Judge
in Davia, Judge Xavier's brother. Now, I know it is
highly unlikely that I should be reigning over their court,
but all the other judges are at sex flags today.
(42:48):
Now when you gee, did you say sex flax sex?
Let me call the interpreter and hold on. Interpret out,
interpret out. I'm gonna say a way he didn't. Just
let me know what it sounds like. Oh these six
six flags? See again, six flags. I'm tired if we
(43:15):
get take just ten pnuts your honor. I already served
my jury duty during Naz versus Peter. Please unfold your
trifold legs, not unfolded their naturally fall this way, all right, judge,
before we go to recess. There's plenty of tea here
(43:36):
for everybody. But do you have any big ass in
the back so we can cool these teas down? I'm
sorry you said big yes for the t I like
my tea asked, I do not. I do not have
any big ash in the back. If I may. I
(44:01):
don't mean to interrupt. It was fairly clear to me
that the gentleman asked if you had a bag of ice,
and you seem to think something completely different came out
of his orifice. It's Peter Falk for the monkeys. Holy shit.
Sorry to bother everybody. It's just a affection. That's exactly
right now. When it comes to the bag of ice.
(44:24):
The water people want you to believe that they create ice.
That's not true. Ice actually comes from the bottom of
a monkey. What Peter, thank you. Mr Polivar is out
right now, but he does want to thank you for
the service that you did in the courtroom today. Well, listen,
(44:47):
you choose sides and you stick with them no matter what.
That's how I was reached. You really aren't an amazing actor, uh,
an amazing lawyer, and an amazing musician. Mr polar Bear
would like to know if there's anything that he can
do for you or your family. Yeah, I would say
(45:07):
stay out of the city. That would be helpful. I'm
i am to tell Mr polar Bear to stay out
of the city. If you want to say it correctly,
I believe the term would be stay to funk out
of the city. That would be very good for me
and my friends. Do you want to wake up the
polar Bear right now to tell him to stay out
of the city. I would like Thomas to wake him up.
The same guy who was racist with him earlier and
(45:28):
brought him honey and said all bears are the same
A bats ad A t s. You can just say, Thomas,
I know who it is, okay, Thomas, Oh yeah, this
is about my hat. I ever want to take my
hat off. That's our show today. It is about your hat.
Let's say thank you to Mr James he and James
(45:50):
always a pleasure. Thank you so much for joining us.
Thank you for having me. God bless you and your family.
All right, Mr Gary Anthony Williams, thank you so damn
much for being You've saved my life. You know, last
night a DJ saved my life, but you saved my
life and well it's what we do. Thank you. Yeah,
(46:11):
thank you. Man. And the crew is the television series
on Netflix. Check it out. Gary. Uh, all the reviews
are in and they said that you've stolen the show.
I don't know if that's a legal issue. A legal issue. Yeah,
and Mr Craig Atkowski, thank you so damn much my pleasure.
Six flags or sex flags reminded me of the word
(46:32):
of the day, which is vexology. Yeah, xillo. Vexology is
the study of flags. Damn it, Joe, you knew that right, Okay, thanks, oh,
thank you for being here as well. Thank you for
having me. I love seeing you all so fun and
(46:53):
a tool, a tool saying always a pleasure. Thank you.
And you'll be present of the Austin Sketch Fest because
you went to undergraduate school. There is that, correct, Yeah,
I'm a I'm a longhorn through and through a t
X sketch Fest dot com. Check it out and you
join us for sure. All right? Cool. Let's thank our
(47:16):
engineer and producer with the stars, Mr Dug Bean. Find
folks that I heart Media's Kevin Pollack. Reminding you to
please be kind to each other is the easiest thing
to do. You just walk outside with your mask on.
You'll lower it for a second so they can see
you're smiling. You put that mask back the hell up
over your nose. Okay, thanks, thanks for watching Alchemy. Let's
(47:39):
tell everyone you've ever met if you have a moment,
write a review and or rate the show until next
time h no.
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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