September 28, 2021 • 48 mins
Mafia henchmen don’t pick up on subtext.
Day 2 at a bull riding for beginners class.
Steve brings Blue to join a band
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode about me. There's I'm your host,
Ron Paul, Like, yes that Kevin Paul. What's that? Yes, yep,
but I grabs Let's meet an alchemy Shallery no particular order.
Let's quickly check in with Craig Atkowski for his Emmy
predictions corner. It's this weekend Emmy's. Yeah, that's right, Emmy's
(00:27):
this weekend. I voted. I am an Emmy voter. Oh um,
And I think I told you guys privately last week
that I did vote for blow Deck. You did, that's right,
So I'm hoping that my vote is enough to push
it over the top. I also think I'm not sure
(00:48):
if he's up for anything, but John Laraquette is always
a solid bet. What about David Hyde Pierce. He seems
like a multi winner. He's uh, yeah, he's should be
in the running. Um, I think I don't know. Carol
O'Connor is uh is it? It's a pretty good bet. Like,
I don't follow the Emmys that closely, though I do
vote for them. But yeah, I think I like Lara
(01:11):
Catt in most categories. It's okay to not be results oriented.
M hmm, right, I mean there are there are so
many choices. One could say there are an infinite amount
of choices, wouldn't you say, James, I'd say, there is
an infinite amount of choices, And well, I don't know.
Actually there's probably a finite amount. Is there just a
(01:32):
certain amount of there you allow to fill in the
blank for the emmis So finite is not so hard
to say, but infinite. And now say good morning to
Christoph Varado, Chris's mom's son. Name anything about James Heeney
that you're grateful for. Okay, I'm gonna start off with
one thing that's making me uncomfortable, and that's this tank
top he's wearing. Um, whoa, whoa, Hello, I'm came out.
(02:01):
I'm grateful for James is if you don't have something,
you don't say it his no, no, his his. He's
always good. James is always good. It doesn't seem to
(02:22):
be vindictive or shitty. I think his default, that's the
word I was looking for. His default is a place
of good, generosity and sweetness. And I really would like
to see the two of you star in our Road
Company of It's a Wonderful Life, where you played George
Bailey and he plays Clarence the Angel. Oh that would
(02:43):
be terrific, right, Kevin put it for us? Dude funded Kevin,
I mean part of me. Craig directed a tool. Come
come check it out, Joey. No, no, I'll give you
a ticket. You can't. It's gonna run for a while,
you'll have some time. Hey, that's all great, A tool
(03:04):
saying better with a pendant. Most favorite footwear and why oh,
that's that's tough. At this point in my life. I
like to slip into shoes. I don't like to tie laces,
so that's kind of like the main thing. I do.
Also wear slippers at home, so that yeah, cook question,
what is the adverse reaction to having to tie up
(03:27):
some laces? The reaction is usually unnecessary and infinite amount
of yelling. So so is it the bending over? Is
it just? And then it's I don't know if it
was always I'm not a good lace tire, but it's
just like there will be a point in the night
we'll have to retie and somebody will point it out
(03:47):
to me, which iard because I don't want to retie.
Got a double knot, Yeah I don't. Yeah, I'm gonna
I'm gonna always double knot have been for most of
my life, even when it's completely uncalled for. I'm double
nodding right now. Uh, it's double nodding. That's a there's
(04:07):
a difference. Hey, there's James Heeney Johnny four times have
you been recognized from this podcast? I have. I was
recognized from this podcast and E three in two thousand nineteen.
It was before COVID and it wasn't recognized by my face.
(04:29):
It was by my voice, which I guess makes a
lot of sense. Um. But yeah, I was standing in
line and the Xbox. Uh. I guess it was in
line to play something. Maybe it was the Gears of
War five game. I don't know what it was, but
it was like, oh my god, are you James from Alchemy? This?
And it was It was the best. It was a
great feeling. I got a picture with them. It's on
my Instagram. That's nice. The the game you were playing
(04:52):
was not your main of the story. For the record, No,
I don't even remember the game that I was playing.
I was just in line because I was getting pictures
and photos for game. Uh. But the person in line
was I don't know who was more excited him to
see me or me to have somebody recognized me from
your voice. Yeah, that's pretty damn exciting. And last, but
(05:12):
only what towels for you? If you think of Lea's,
it's Joey Greer tube sock briefs. If elected, what would
you do as our California governor? Thank you for giving
me the platform. I have been d platform from every
single social media outlet as well as every single national
media coverage outlet out there, and that is that is
(05:33):
the problem. So if I'm elected government, the first thing
I'm gonna do, I'm gonna start damning everything up. I
think if we got a water shortage, to get rid
of the water, get rid of all the water. That's
that's my main ticket item. I'm gonna say, you want
some water, well, um through Coca Cola if you want
to water, all right. And the second thing, um, the
(05:57):
second thing? What then was I gonna say a second thing?
That was a m um shit. It was about I
think you were gonna wing it? Oh yeah, oh yes.
Buffalo wild wings. Buffalo wild wings are gonna become state buildings.
They're gonna incorporated into our state financial sector, and we
are just gonna swim in the Sauce Baby. Swimming the
(06:19):
Sauce Baby has been called Let's do a show. All
of our scene suggestions, of course, gathered from your listener emails.
That's right, the very beginning of the show. And we're
coming up on year three there in October. Uh that
that the show dropped in October? James? Or did we
start recording in October? It dropped in October after like
maybe seven or eight months of us not even recording
(06:41):
and waiting thinking maybe it was just never gonna come out.
I think we started recording in March and it dropped
in October. It was a long wait. I think it's that.
It's like, yeah, I think it was. But we had
stopped recording because we recorded a whole bunch of it
at first, and then we stopped for a while, and
it scared the hell out of me. On average, James,
(07:03):
and conservatively, how many days per month did you uh
skip school? Oh? Never? I got I skipped well, I
was very rarely sick, and if I wasn't sick, I
wasn't allowed to stay home. And I only one time
skipped school and I got busted. I got busted so bad.
(07:25):
How did that go down because you had to call
in and say that you were sick. And I called
it and tried to be my dad. Did you just
Jimmy Eny calling it for James? He start coming into
school and like it was immediately found. So then I
was at home, like playing video games or something, and
I was just getting call up, your call up, your calling.
(07:45):
Finally I picked it up and my mom she's like,
what are you doing? That was your funds sketched? The
the the hotline phone answer at the school. Who has
to hear seventeen different kids try to pull that off
on a on a daily basis. One weirdly, Um, but no,
(08:05):
the scene suggestions are from your listener emails or if
you want priority from our patron v I p s.
That's right. Uh. They get exclusive content as well, like
bonus scenes. This is kind of new bubba ba bonus
scenes recorded just for the Patreon members and um, James
sends all kinds of stuff on a regular basis. It's
kind of sexy and exciting, So head on over to
(08:27):
patron dot com slash alchemy this. Uh. If you'd like
to submit a scene suggestion via old timey email, please
write to the podcast at alchemy this email at gmail
dot com. That's Alchemy. This is scene one comes from
Patron v I P. Patrick C. Who wrote, Hey, Alchemy
(08:47):
this writing another scene while deployed overseas. Again, I can't
express so much. I love you guys doing my c
I A scene from the direct higher agency guys I
work with overseas is pretty accurate. Also, I'm getting my
call sign changed to mc thunder. I guess one of
(09:08):
us used that scene suggestion Mafia staffed with by henchman
that don't understand subtle signals when it's time to kill
someone or break knees, etcetera. Keep up the great work, Packed.
I'm not an Afghanistan anymore. My heart goes out to
(09:28):
everyone affected by what's happening there. I worked there from
two thousand fourteen to two thou and I know there
are good people stuck there unfortunately, both Afghans and Americans
hoping for a swift and speedy resolution for all of this.
Thank you for your service and your emails. Packed. I mean,
I don't know what we're gonna do. I mean, we
(09:49):
are understaffed, okay, so let's hire more people. Let's stop
this fucking COVID convenience crap and hire people back. We're
not gonna first I'm not breaking protocol. Okay, I'm not
gonna get your You're not I'm not gonna do that. No,
I'm not. Okay, as long as I'm in charge of
this family staffing, I'm gonna make sure it's done right.
You understand me. I mean, I'm beginning to understand that
you don't want to work here anymore. Listen, you don't
(10:10):
talk to a made man like that, all right, I
mean I did just now, so did? All right? And
you're so lucky that you're my younger brother's sister's cousin,
uncle's daddy's friend. I am. That's why you're here, your family.
When you're here your family. I don't know that I've
met your uncle obviously, his dad is and has a
friend who's your sister's brothers. Yeah, but your uncle who
(10:34):
which one is your uncle? Michael? Is a tiny, tiny hander,
tiny hander? Yeah, hey might know. So again, I've got
you coming in today to I'm coming in today, Tom?
Was that was that coming in? He wants a job
to work for the family? What is it? Did you
know this guy was gonna interview You're Tommy. Right, yeah,
(10:55):
I'm Tommy. Oh great, yeah, this is uh. You gotta
know everyone's name. She she made you this sandwich? Oh
my god Jesus, look, holy crap. It's like a meat
(11:16):
ball every inch. This is why would she spell out
in all of this is like you business? I think
that's all right? Excuse me. I want to talk to
whoever hires the garbageman that pick up my garbage on
my street because this ashole has been coming around and
(11:36):
knocking over the cans. Who's who that's that's me? What's
going on? What's going on? I live at three okay,
and this is not the first week that I've gone
outside and my trash cans are all laying down on
the side. Hey, Tim, you want to jump? Yeah? What
you want to? Put this guy in the trash game
right now? Excuse me? This guy in the trash canna
(12:00):
lift that? Just lift him up. We'll give me the sandwich.
If you look, give me the sandwich and we have
two hands, lift him up. What's what's candy cycling? The
black one? The all I don't give you. We're losing
the threat by talking about this. Just don't yeah, excuse you,
don't touch me. Don't touch me, he said no. I'm
(12:22):
so sorry. He said, no, put just do it. Working
to a manager. I want to speak to a manager
right now. You're gonna speak to my my tim Timo
Rex we got do you want to talk someone above me?
You want to talk someone you know what? Alright? Fine, alright, fine, alright, Hey, Tony,
won't you take him to see the boss? Huh yeah, yeah,
(12:42):
That's what I'm gonna do. And in the meantime, start
calling him Tommy instead of fucking Timmy. All right, it
was offensive to me. It is Tommy. Fuck. I just
met the fucking guy. So, as you can see by
my resume, I used to work for the Alardy family
and I'm just looking for some kind of like administrative work. Um.
(13:05):
I used to help move things from one dirt site
to another dirt site, helped silence things. Well, what do
you what do you like to do on the weekends? Um?
I like to get away from everybody, just go fishing.
Maybe I have my own boat, so I can utilize
(13:26):
that for anything you need. You're hired, man. We just
need people. Honestly, we just need people. Okay, who's my
first job? A first job? Let's look at here. Okay,
but we've got a collecting job, all right, that's my specialty,
sir as a laundromat on the mercer. Mercer, yeah and Mercy.
(13:51):
I didn't know they met? Okay, Am I wrong? I
thought that puts it in the Union's where mercer would be.
So oh I get it. Wink wink, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'll go to the laundro mat. Okay, okay, good, You're
(14:12):
not gonna regret this. This is a Panera. It's been
here for about seven years. I don't there might have
been a laundroy mat before that, but uh yeah, well,
I'm just here for the pickup of the laundry. Okay,
while I'm here, can I have the meatball sub? Please?
This is a Panera? Um okay, I guess we do
(14:35):
have a meatball sub now, that's uh. I can do that,
but I don't know. We we uh we send our
laundry out, so I don't know if there's anything to
I'm the guy who's going to take it out from now.
And if you know what I mean, you're gonna pick
up our laundry. The hell is this? This is ship? Stay?
What the he put it in? The bag. I just
(14:58):
brought it. I didn't look in the back my money.
Where's the fucking money? I don't look in the bag.
So the one guy he told me he needs to
go sleep with the fishes, he just he swam He
just swam away. Are you talking about Jim, Tim? He
just swam away. Tim. Yeah, I'm Tim My bad. I
(15:21):
don't know what I say. It doesn't matter. Look killed
that guy. Alright, honey, kits, you gotta peck all your
stuff up. Daddy's made a big mistake. Okay, we gotta leave.
This is the first time it's been daddy's fault. Okay.
The other ones were out of my fault. Were they
(15:41):
my fault that? I didn't say that now, but you
were implying that, you know what, No, this time we
face it. Okay, we're not running anymore. I'm sticking. Tired
of putting them in a new school. I'm sticking, tired
of making new friends. I can't another hobby. You can't.
I went and complained to the trash company, and one
of the thugs took me out and he was was
to kill me. Little did I know, you just let
(16:02):
me free in the water. So that's why I'm all wet.
Please just pack your bags. We gotta get out of door. Dad. Huh,
somebody's at the door. Is it Mafiosa coming to kill you?
I don't know just if everything's gonna be okay, just
don't go get the door. Don't get the door, all right?
Come back? Wait? Hello, hey, little man? What's going on?
(16:29):
Hanging out? What do you say? Who are you? That's rude?
How about? How are you okay? How are you? I'm good.
I'm good as your dad him? Um? No, are you
here to hurt him? I'm gonna try my best. Now,
(16:49):
how about this? How about you get your dad and
I give you this ten dollar bill? Okay, every one second?
This twenty dollar bill. Still, there's not a lot you
can do. Ten there's thirty bucks, kid, That's all I got.
I'm gonna go in there regardless. But I thought maybe
you can make a little cash. All right, all right,
I'm just saying, like to rent a new movie? Is so? Like?
(17:14):
Do you have like a phone? And that's what? John?
What are you doing here? Sorry? What's up? I'm a tony.
I'm talking to John. What are you doing? Why are
you going through a castro? What are you doing you? Yeah,
what do you do? Why I needed to get some
petty cash for what? For? What did you take care
(17:35):
of the guy and John Carla? Why don't you fucking
go easy on the new guys? He said? He said, Okay,
first of all, who's this little kid? This is? This
is Dylan, he's this he's the son of how the fund?
Did you bring a kiddy? What are you doing here?
We'll tell him to Dylan? Tell me what you said
about the movies and stuff? This? Oh my god, it's expensive,
(17:59):
it is what he said. This is some kind of
assassins like community where we bring in the kids of
all the people. We fucking can we train them? All? Right?
This is you gotta we gotta. It's nothing like twenty
bucks is enough like it was thirty to be honest,
But okay, I mean I forg Hey, little fellow, what's
your name? Dylan? Dylan? Can you uh, can you cover
(18:19):
your ears for just a second for me? Please? I'm
gonna say some bad words. Maybe you shouldn't hear, so
just I've heard everything, alright, then shut the funk up
while I talked to my heard everything? Yeah, I doubt
you've heard everything. Dealing all right, let's just be real.
You want to cover you Wan, don't tell you what
he has heard, John Carlo, He's heard everything you fucking
said since he showed up about killing people. Now. We
(18:40):
gotta kill now, we gotta kill. Though I know, I
thought it'd be easier to, you know, talking code, like
use euphemisms or yeah, let's try that. We gotta stick up.
We gotta put two in the back of Dylan's coconut.
To what coconut? I don't have a coconut that has
seen one, all of them that is merely seen one. Oh, mommy,
(19:06):
make it stop. Scene two comes to us from listener
Jan Eric, Jay and Eric Jan Eric, and they fucking
with me. I think so. I don't think it's personal.
(19:26):
I don't, but I'm gonna go with Yon Eric. Hello everyone,
I've been a fan of the show ever since Kevin
appeared on the penultimate episode of Craigslist Huh without further
ado too late. My scene suggestion is day two at
a bull riding for beginner's class. After a gruesome day one,
(19:51):
all the best, Yan, Eric, No, I'm just pecking my bags.
I'm not going to stay for this whole week. Were
unit we all signed up together. You saw what happened
to that guy yesterday. I'm still a free man. I
don't have to stay through the week a free man.
What are you afraid of? What I mean? I don't
(20:13):
even remember what was his name? Brian? Was it? That
guy was Gordon? Kenny said, we're all in this together,
so why don't you just stick around? We all agreed
once we finished this, we might take another some other
kind of classes together. I'm here for the social aspect
of it, to be honest, what do you we would
start with things that didn't have horns, right, So you're
afraid of what horns? And what else? He's afraid he's
(20:36):
afraid of the fool killing him. Yeah, you know. So
you're not afraid of sitting on your nuts because that's
my fear. That was what you walked away with yesterday.
One guy got gorge? How did you? Mr? Time? Time, sir?
Call me call me Kenny. Y'all We all friends now?
All right? All friends? You're not wearing your boots. Oh,
(20:59):
I'm packing my stuff up stuff huh huh. I'm taking
my suitcase. I I I'm okay. I don't need a refund.
I don't need anything. I'm I'm done. That's not how
it works here. We're like a family, all right, when
you're here. Yeah, Kenny, Um, my wife said, is it
(21:20):
cool if I leave like ten minutes early because we
gotta we're gonna go see a ball um the ball
game later, ball game. Oh so you're gonna go to
a ball game so you can get some balls. Yeah,
that's a good one. All right, get your boots on.
Everybody YouTube and let's get out there. We're gonna, we're gonna,
(21:42):
we're gonna rope some goats to that. Well, it's gonna
be so much fun. Kenny Ted's widow is here to
pick up the rest of his things and get a
pro rated refund. Jesus, we don't do pro rated damnit. Um.
All right, look we'll get we'll get failed. He's account,
he can do the numbers. I just want to see
(22:04):
where his bed was, right Well, he was going to
sleep over there. He didn't make it to the first night,
but yeah, that's right here. That was gonna be where
he was going to be. And you use that his stuff?
Are you putting this stuff in a bag for me?
Is this all of this stuff in the bag here? Technically,
we can't give it to you until the police reports done,
(22:25):
so we're gonna hold you just want us to take
his stuff? Is this serious? Mam ma'am likes miss what's
your name? My name? Yeah, Tripliana, Tripiana. Since the class
is already paid for, why don't you joining us? It's
(22:46):
a great idea. What about that'd be? And like, just
like that, my grief is gone? Are you serious? Oh
my god, that's a load off of my mind because
I thought I was gonna have to talk to film
and Rodeo accounts notoriously ornerynny. Is it okay if she stays?
(23:07):
We don't normally do it, But I think this is
a genius idea. So I guess if she's not too
scared to pick up, we're ted left off. I guess
I'll stay all unpack my stuff and look at us.
We're a unit. We're friends. Cut to twenty minutes later. Alright,
(23:29):
oh my god, there's no reason to help her. It's
a lost cause everybody just walked away. Go back nineteen minutes.
So do you put her on the bowl right away?
What do you am? I ain't sure. I love that spirit.
We're not wearing boots might might get in the way.
That's fine. She's she's doing you a girl. Is she
(23:56):
trying to do those tricks? She's born with it, She's born.
I think A minutes later, Oh, I think it's hurt.
I think my legs emergency. There's no reason to call emergency.
She's probably gonna die, alright, focus everybody. That's wild. So
(24:17):
like he just won't come to the ballgame with you. Uh, well,
he said that he's not allowed to leave, So I
don't know he's not allowed to leave. It's like it's
what he said. I guess they're pretty strict. Once you
join up and you learn to bull ride, they have
a strict regiment. I don't know. I don't even like
(24:38):
I hate to put this like seed into your head,
but like, do you think it's leget I don't know.
I hadn't thought that it couldn't be. Maybe we should
go check on them. Movie where we spy on the
boys grew totally down. But I don't know. I got work.
(24:59):
I'm not going to go buying them myself. Call out
of work, call out sick? Okay, but do you like,
can you like compensate me or something for the time
off like I'm taking all that. Uh, I suppose what
do you get paid in the day? I can do that.
She's not your friend. If she's asking you for to
(25:19):
pay for her time, she's not your friend. But she's
got to take work off like she's trying to help me.
Here's the way to fix the problem. Here's a gun.
Gun just forced her to come with me with no pain. Okay,
we have one loaded nachos here and one Mozzarelli stick.
You're a very good looking that's appreciate it. I needed that,
(25:44):
thank you. Wow. Alright, guess you gotta be really sparse
thiss Mozzarelli STIs. Okay, we don't got a lot, all right,
so people for him. Let's just make sure we just
give one at a time. Just give him one. What
are you talking? You gotta just give him what. We're
running out us running out of these sticks. When they
ordered Monzarella sticks, they get a stick. Yeah you guys. Um.
(26:07):
One of the ladies at table too said I was
good looking, funk. I needed that. I needed that. You know,
I've been leaving on you guys a lot. You're my coworkers.
Stick did you give give load of nachos? And one
Montzarella stick. You gave one, yes, sir? Okay, good? Sorry, yeah, great, No,
that's good. You're being a firm I love that. Let's
keep that up. Okay, okay, all right, okay, guys, we're
(26:31):
gonna start to ration heal open your poppers to Hey, Kenny,
um yeah, I know, I just I just did eight
seconds on the Beginner's Bowl, But I was, I don't know,
I'm feeling kind of good, and I was wondering if
maybe you could bring out um L Diablo you want
to go on L Diablo. I don't know. Maybe it's
(26:54):
beginner's luck or beginner's confidence, but I feel good in
these boots, you know, blistering my feet, but I think
that's adding to the to my everything. Oh you look good,
that's for sure. And that's the first thing about being
a real cab boy. All right. I like your your
your confidence. Yeah, I'm gonna do it. You're gonna do it. Yeah,
(27:16):
let me get filled. Do you miss Tripliana or ted
at all? Or do people die all the time? Happens
all the time, and this like, Hey, if you don't
like blood, you shouldn't be in this business. I love look, no,
I like blood. All right, Phil, get el Diablo? What
fills the accountant? Right? Yeah? Why am I getting a bull?
(27:39):
I don't understand, Bill, you got you can do both jobs.
I'm crunching numbers for fox sake. Yeah, we got them
through a hiring agency. Us to which one is the bull?
You want? L Diablo? The fire? Is that the devil? Devil? Yeah?
And don't bringing out okay? Is he the one with
(28:05):
the hans? Get that? Damn? Oh god, damn, Phil, I
haven't seen you in a while. You're bringing my check
or what's going on? Yeah? Yeah, that's what I'm doing?
Gets paid day? Oh good? Yeah, Now we took out
a little bit for insurance. Don't be surprised. It's slightly
lower than you're what you're used to getting. Are my
insurance is lower? You want insurance? Yes? Yoh yeah, I
(28:29):
mean working with these I've been working on ld album
back here for a while. Yeah. You have the impalement
uh policy, and it's a little more pricey than we thought.
Oh okay, all right, so here's your check n voyage
And what do you do when you can't go over
to al Diablo? I gotta bring him out to the
(28:49):
front of the house. Oh, Phil, you can't let El
Diablo out right now. And he's a heat. He's going wild.
I'm pretty sure he's also growing thumbs. I'm not so
he's the devil. To be clear, he's not actually a boat.
I mean he has the spirit of Satan. I mean,
I'm not one to believe in, you know, that kind
of religious ideology. But I'll tell you what he has
turned me. I have been going to church because of it.
(29:10):
Yeah you have, Kenny, don't look now, but I think
my wife is in a car across the street with binoculars,
and I think this would be the perfect time for
me to prove that, you know, these classes have really
meant something to me and to my relationship. Frankly, I
think I think I want to tackle al Diablo in
(29:31):
front of my wife. I'm green lit it already. I'm
just waiting for him to bring it to the front
of the house. Uh, Phil should be here any moment.
Are you in a relationship? Uh? Yeah, happily? Um married
twelve years. You don't say, yeah, I don't like to
talk about my personal life, but oh really, you don't.
You don't want to You don't want to talk about
(29:52):
your personal life in front of hunting everyone. Not the time.
But this is not the time. So it's got to
be at the box office. If you're here, no one's
at the box office, right right. Why would you want
to make your personal life in your professional life money?
This is not the time of place, all right, all right,
don't don't you give me that? All right. I've heard
(30:14):
that all right for twelve years. Now, you don't give
it to me. I wasn't giving you in it, all right.
M damble, get out there, Philly boy, rip off some
heads while you're at it. First, you gotta listen, Claire.
It's clear he really is doing this. Now. I feel
(30:36):
like such a bitch. I've got a gone up to
your head and I don't trust my husband. What kind
of a guy? Am I? What kind of a you
know what? Claire? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's fine. Just
let me out of the car. Okay, Okay, I'll give
you thirty dollars. I'll keep keeping keep it, keep it,
(30:58):
keep it, okay, okay? Bank, Oh ship, Oh clear, going
crazy has got a good, got a good that has
(31:21):
seen too ladies and jews, Oh Diablo. Scene three comes
from Patron v I p Jesse, who wrote another one
short and Sweet or Sweet and Sour if you prefer
the timeline where Steve doesn't leave Blues Clues but instead
(31:41):
brings Blue and the gang along to join a band. Jesse,
What time did you tell the management that we're my
bands on stage tonight? I need to know? I love
What time? Hold on? What time in my band? Is
my band on stage tonight? What did I tell management
(32:05):
that you need to go for fox sake? What time
is the band on? What time does the show start? Well?
Show starts at eight right eight? Yeah, but this is
the headlining? Yeah, you headline? Yeah? What is that? A
dog of peacha pooh? What is that? What is it?
(32:25):
Peacha poo? What's a peacha poo? Booze? It's not it's
maybe it's a peacha pooh? Mr President? Mr President needs
to talk to you right now. What is it? It
looks like from our data that there is an interdimensional
being a peachy pooh that a touchdown in a small
(32:47):
area right outside to Peaka, Kansas. What is that? Half poodle,
half peach? Exactly? Now, I got, I got, I got
black ops are already on the ground. We're gonna isolate
that area. All right, We're it makes that no one
can come in rount. But but just for the record,
there is a live music conture going on that I
I would like to see. If it's if there's if
(33:08):
there's time. What is it? Do you know? Steve from
Blues Clues? Uh? Vaguely it's a children's show where they go, great,
let's go look at this. I'm sorry, look at this. Okay,
let me pull this video up. Okay, now watch. Okay,
So do you like rock music or what you'r do? Okay?
I had counting crows at my inaugural. I wasn't invited
(33:33):
to that. Well, I mean it was it was for
you know, the top tops to people. I'll show you later,
I'll show you. It's a take fifteen. Why don't this
concert even start? I don't know. It's weird. They should
(33:54):
have some sort of music playing something, right, it's eerily
like we should look gone to the ballgame. No, no, no, no,
this is gonna be great once it starts. Hey, you
guys want to bust some weed? Oh my god, we
haven't done weeds since high school. I got edibles, I
got smoke a bulls, I got a cream. You just
(34:17):
put on your arm. I got a suppository that's pository. Yeah,
which one? Because I think my my guess isn't edible.
Would take too long. The show is going to start.
Do you want a quick guys? Yeah, you want the animal? Yeah,
it's okay, all right, Where where would we do in enema?
(34:40):
We're gonna have the other restroom for that. Enema is
not just a drug that you put up your butt,
but it also helps you poop. It could sure could cigarette.
Are you all together? Yeah, we're all together? Um, okay, sorry,
we didn't understand you early. It's hard. Towel mint, No towels,
(35:02):
no mints. We just all three want to use that stall, Bubba.
We're just going to use a stall there for a second.
The three of us have some some ship to work out.
Maybe you can look through the way for bucks. Yeah,
you can look the other way for two dollars. I'll
look the way for here you go. Here's here's two bucks. Thanks. Man. Alright,
(35:23):
so I'm looking. I'm not gonna look the way. I
prefer him not looking. That was nice to hear from
Jacob's dad, who is a firefighter. Now, my dad works
in the entertainment industry. He rubs shoulders with all the
top names in music. He helps people in a service
(35:47):
oriented Thanks man, that's her full. Here's my dad, Bubba,
thank you. Uh did that kid right there? Yeah you yeah? Yeah? Yeah?
(36:09):
You see me? Do you see do you see me? Yeah? Yeah?
So why don't I sit up here? The most excited,
most excited part of the most challenging part, the most
exciting thing about my job is uh, I guess the
free mints. I get as much ment as I want.
I don't got it. There's no overhead from her. Why
(36:30):
do you have a trade with towels, mints and cigarettes.
That's what people want sometimes after taking a ship. Okay,
that's enough of that one. That was a very good
thank you, Papa. Great to hear. Next up we have Dylan, Um, Dylan, Oh,
Dylan's dad is not here, alright, alright, guys, um the crowd.
(36:51):
The crowd is nice and quiet tonight. They're nice and
quiet out there. Everyone just relaxed and waited. Pa, pooh,
now is your time. We lost our opener. Our headliners
still to go on a ten. But we think maybe
if you want to go out there and uh go
nuts now would be the time. That right, right, right? Uh, Lawrence,
(37:11):
I don't know if a peach of pooh is really
I'm not familiar, but I feel like it could be dangerous.
Like what is it like? It looks cute, it's sound
rock and roll used to be considered dangerous, but it
never was considered cute, and I don't like it. I
don't think we should put this peacha poo up on
the stage. Let's see if you can rock pitch you pooh?
(37:34):
You ready? Hey man, hy bit, I took when your
gott to have some positories. The thing exploded in my
ain't ocane come here? Man, stop walking away from me.
Goddamn it. I think he's talking to you. Um, sir,
(37:54):
that deals us the animatron. You know what I'm talking
to you now, Just listen. I'm I'm about to get
really high. I didn't sell that to you. Well, I
don't give it up for pee boot all right, I'm
gonna kick your ass me and yeah, but yourself. I
can't get testing one two three, Agent Jensen, how was
(38:23):
the situation proceeding? Oh? My think good good? It's um
Do you care? Do you really guess? Of course I care.
I'm the president of the United States, Jensen, all of us,
right of everyone in the United States? Right? Is this
still about the inauguration? Okay? So what so what counting crows?
(38:44):
I couldn't get everyone in there. Oh, but you got
the crows. But you know I love them. You know
I love them. So that's what triggered you. Hey, everybody,
it's me, your old friend Steve shock to to see
me here at this concert on stage. I wanted to
(39:05):
tell you something. You're doing the same speech you did online.
I've missed you, and I know I went away to college. Hey,
he's doing the same speech. We know, man, We just
stop yelling at the guy. Man, Just a part of
this college is hard. Surprisingly, I'm definitely not listening to you,
Mr Poop everywhere, oh beast behind him doing life is
(39:28):
really hard, and it's about to get much fucking harder,
Ladies and gentlemen. I introduced to you PG have special
effects soundtracks. It's an electronic drums kid. Alright, alright, white man,
(39:53):
stop talking during the concert. Many here the goddamn music again.
You have pooped yourself. What am I gonna do? I
don't give a shit either, man, Leave I can't leave,
all right, I've so made to myself to this area.
I just feel like we're spending a lot of time stifling,
you know, possible alternate timelines of of wormholes that have
(40:15):
opened a night. I've got an infrastructure bill that I'm
I'm working on. Like, oh, weird, interesting, like different timelines.
Maybe there's a fucking timeline where I went see Counting
Crows at the inaugural party. Mr Jones and me. This
(40:35):
is a cover to cover all the Counting Crows songs.
It's just that guy. All right, I'm gonna take a
little break. Uh, this is for you from the President.
I hope you're having a good time. So the President
got me one guy. All right, Okay, are we good? Yeah,
(40:59):
we're good? Are we good? He looked just like Adam
Dirret's did he not? Kind of kind it's a wig.
I mean, you can't you can't just grow hair like
that unless you're Adam Durrance. But I guess, yeah, we're fine.
I'm sorry I freaked out, he Mr President. I, oh no,
it's all right, Jensen. It's just when you're here, your family,
and I felt like I was a family. You know. Well,
(41:20):
we've gotten closer over the course of my people people. Uh,
you haven't explained yet what this is Jensen. This is
the peach poodle. We we we located and we're able
to traffic. Okay, and uh is it uh of this universe?
(41:45):
No search interdimensional? So we think it's from some kind
of other dimension inter Okay? Uh and uh and how
are we proceeding with this? Jensen? Oh, gray is my
favorite color. We could gray color. Yeah, it's also it's
not a shade, it's not really a car. But uh, well,
(42:08):
let's not quibble Jensen. No, well, I want to get
to the bottom. If it's an interimensional we know what
he means. Yeah, but if gray is a color where
he's from and it's a shade where we are, that
could have ripple effects. How to get hung up on semantics? Jensen,
I want my money. I last sold that peachy poof
for you, and that's you said you're gonna pay me, Kenny,
I will, Okay, and in due time. The daddy I
(42:30):
don't think he's gonna pay it. Yeah, my boy thinks
you ain't gonna pay. I am gonna pay. Look, the
president just needs to sign this infraction. You want me
to take his boot, Daddy, no, not Yeah, yeah, I
like him. I'm looking mad at him. All right, this
my boy's gonna take your boots unless you've heard. All right, look,
what's the president passes infrastructure bill? I swear to you
(42:53):
get the instruction bill. Ain't my my issue? No infrastructure bill? Yeah,
it is true. You're gonna get alligator. Everybody want chout.
Fuego is what list running loose? And Fuego's running lose.
There's a fire fire where you gonna point? Kenny? Were
(43:14):
you going to introduce me right now? Geez? Who's watching
the box office? If you're here? All right? Well, nobody
wants to ticket to our damn rodeo, so it doesn't
matter anyway. You don't tell me. People won't want to
watch this guy getting gored to dip. We're making most
of our money on classes, not on shows. Classes on
(43:39):
our show. Oh man. Uh. If you were only subscribed
to the patron page, you would know that Craig and
the Tool apparently exchange the text about what shirt to wear.
I forgot to mention that earlier, and I wanted to
thank them for their efforts to coordinate. Um, but I
(44:00):
also want to thank ms to James Heeney for bringing
the gun show. Thanks some Miami colors and cleaning up
the face. So just that fantastic mustache remains. How should
folks find you and follow you? Go ahead and check
out the real James Heeney on Instagram. Ah, that's a
(44:22):
good way to find me, all right, fantastic, Thank you, James,
Chris Alvarado, Bless your brother. Bless you what shirt you
got on there? Because I'm sensing a little gray what's
going on down below? Sorry? Sorry? Where do you get
such a thing? Oh? James? Tell us where we get this?
(44:45):
If you go to Tea Spring and search Alchemy, this
you'll find it. It's the Alchemy this store on te Spring.
We have new designs coming your way momentarily working with
the artist now and he's very excited as am I.
So um, head on over to get the current lackluster
(45:05):
inventory and then we'll get you some exciting stuff. So
I don't know, I say, jump on this o G merch.
You know what it means. This is this is the
O get know why you can't about to get the mug?
A tool of you all about the mug? Yeah? Yeah,
I just came in on some money and so I
was like, I'm gonna just use that money get some mugs.
Do I want to expand a little bit on this
recent money coming into I appreciate it. And that's uh yeah,
(45:28):
that's great. Okay, fair enough, Greg Kowski, thank you for
being with us again. What a pleasure. Check out Cannon
Crow's debut August and everything after still still holds up
pretty well. Mr is on there and uh uh and
uh round here. What's the lead singer's name. Adam Durrett's
(45:50):
Adam Dirrett's, Courtney Cox and Jennifer Anderston and Jennifer Inston.
So respect Adam Durrett's is a big fan of theirs.
I don't know. I don't dated them. No, they're just friends.
He oh, I see what you did. Friends, Joey Greer,
(46:11):
you know it. You dated Courtney Cox for a little bit. Yeah, yeah,
we're friendly. It was just like, you know, a couple
of years, very very cool. We're still we're still close
friends of this day. We love making pasta and that's uh,
we're still close friends. And you go over and you
make pasta. We bring our families together. And okay, you
any reason you didn't want to get more specific beyond
(46:32):
just the word pasta, because I'm gonna be honest, I
don't I don't know much about Bosta. So yeah, when
we get there, it's like, I don't catch you Peppe
you know Totalini. How about Boga de pepe A you're
familiar with that. Yeah, I'm actually redesigning one of the
rooms in there, are you? Yeah? Is it the Pope room?
(46:53):
What's up? Is it the Pope room? Which one were
you redesigning? It's the It is the Pope room. I knew.
I knew it at which restaurant? Well, no, because I
think it's Book Pepper Pepe. It's not Book Pepe and
that's the one. That's the one. I'm's not Peachi Poo either.
(47:21):
Of course you showed Oh yeah, I showed pikache speak.
Check out alchemy this on Reddit, check out our Instagram.
Thank you for that, Joey, and let's thank our engineer
to the stars and producers. Don't forget the fine folks
(47:44):
that I hurt. Media, Please be kind to each other.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollic, thanking each and every damn
one of you for giving us a listen and telling
everyone you've ever met, your entire lives to check out
and I know this, and I
Welcome back to another episode about me. There's I'm your host,
Ron Paul, Like, yes that Kevin Paul. What's that? Yes, yep,
but I grabs Let's meet an alchemy Shallery no particular order.
Let's quickly check in with Craig Atkowski for his Emmy
predictions corner. It's this weekend Emmy's. Yeah, that's right, Emmy's
(00:27):
this weekend. I voted. I am an Emmy voter. Oh um,
And I think I told you guys privately last week
that I did vote for blow Deck. You did, that's right,
So I'm hoping that my vote is enough to push
it over the top. I also think I'm not sure
(00:48):
if he's up for anything, but John Laraquette is always
a solid bet. What about David Hyde Pierce. He seems
like a multi winner. He's uh, yeah, he's should be
in the running. Um, I think I don't know. Carol
O'Connor is uh is it? It's a pretty good bet. Like,
I don't follow the Emmys that closely, though I do
vote for them. But yeah, I think I like Lara
(01:11):
Catt in most categories. It's okay to not be results oriented.
M hmm, right, I mean there are there are so
many choices. One could say there are an infinite amount
of choices, wouldn't you say, James, I'd say, there is
an infinite amount of choices, And well, I don't know.
Actually there's probably a finite amount. Is there just a
(01:32):
certain amount of there you allow to fill in the
blank for the emmis So finite is not so hard
to say, but infinite. And now say good morning to
Christoph Varado, Chris's mom's son. Name anything about James Heeney
that you're grateful for. Okay, I'm gonna start off with
one thing that's making me uncomfortable, and that's this tank
top he's wearing. Um, whoa, whoa, Hello, I'm came out.
(02:01):
I'm grateful for James is if you don't have something,
you don't say it his no, no, his his. He's
always good. James is always good. It doesn't seem to
(02:22):
be vindictive or shitty. I think his default, that's the
word I was looking for. His default is a place
of good, generosity and sweetness. And I really would like
to see the two of you star in our Road
Company of It's a Wonderful Life, where you played George
Bailey and he plays Clarence the Angel. Oh that would
(02:43):
be terrific, right, Kevin put it for us? Dude funded Kevin,
I mean part of me. Craig directed a tool. Come
come check it out, Joey. No, no, I'll give you
a ticket. You can't. It's gonna run for a while,
you'll have some time. Hey, that's all great, A tool
(03:04):
saying better with a pendant. Most favorite footwear and why oh,
that's that's tough. At this point in my life. I
like to slip into shoes. I don't like to tie laces,
so that's kind of like the main thing. I do.
Also wear slippers at home, so that yeah, cook question,
what is the adverse reaction to having to tie up
(03:27):
some laces? The reaction is usually unnecessary and infinite amount
of yelling. So so is it the bending over? Is
it just? And then it's I don't know if it
was always I'm not a good lace tire, but it's
just like there will be a point in the night
we'll have to retie and somebody will point it out
(03:47):
to me, which iard because I don't want to retie.
Got a double knot, Yeah I don't. Yeah, I'm gonna
I'm gonna always double knot have been for most of
my life, even when it's completely uncalled for. I'm double
nodding right now. Uh, it's double nodding. That's a there's
(04:07):
a difference. Hey, there's James Heeney Johnny four times have
you been recognized from this podcast? I have. I was
recognized from this podcast and E three in two thousand nineteen.
It was before COVID and it wasn't recognized by my face.
(04:29):
It was by my voice, which I guess makes a
lot of sense. Um. But yeah, I was standing in
line and the Xbox. Uh. I guess it was in
line to play something. Maybe it was the Gears of
War five game. I don't know what it was, but
it was like, oh my god, are you James from Alchemy? This?
And it was It was the best. It was a
great feeling. I got a picture with them. It's on
my Instagram. That's nice. The the game you were playing
(04:52):
was not your main of the story. For the record, No,
I don't even remember the game that I was playing.
I was just in line because I was getting pictures
and photos for game. Uh. But the person in line
was I don't know who was more excited him to
see me or me to have somebody recognized me from
your voice. Yeah, that's pretty damn exciting. And last, but
(05:12):
only what towels for you? If you think of Lea's,
it's Joey Greer tube sock briefs. If elected, what would
you do as our California governor? Thank you for giving
me the platform. I have been d platform from every
single social media outlet as well as every single national
media coverage outlet out there, and that is that is
(05:33):
the problem. So if I'm elected government, the first thing
I'm gonna do, I'm gonna start damning everything up. I
think if we got a water shortage, to get rid
of the water, get rid of all the water. That's
that's my main ticket item. I'm gonna say, you want
some water, well, um through Coca Cola if you want
to water, all right. And the second thing, um, the
(05:57):
second thing? What then was I gonna say a second thing?
That was a m um shit. It was about I
think you were gonna wing it? Oh yeah, oh yes.
Buffalo wild wings. Buffalo wild wings are gonna become state buildings.
They're gonna incorporated into our state financial sector, and we
are just gonna swim in the Sauce Baby. Swimming the
(06:19):
Sauce Baby has been called Let's do a show. All
of our scene suggestions, of course, gathered from your listener emails.
That's right, the very beginning of the show. And we're
coming up on year three there in October. Uh that
that the show dropped in October? James? Or did we
start recording in October? It dropped in October after like
maybe seven or eight months of us not even recording
(06:41):
and waiting thinking maybe it was just never gonna come out.
I think we started recording in March and it dropped
in October. It was a long wait. I think it's that.
It's like, yeah, I think it was. But we had
stopped recording because we recorded a whole bunch of it
at first, and then we stopped for a while, and
it scared the hell out of me. On average, James,
(07:03):
and conservatively, how many days per month did you uh
skip school? Oh? Never? I got I skipped well, I
was very rarely sick, and if I wasn't sick, I
wasn't allowed to stay home. And I only one time
skipped school and I got busted. I got busted so bad.
(07:25):
How did that go down because you had to call
in and say that you were sick. And I called
it and tried to be my dad. Did you just
Jimmy Eny calling it for James? He start coming into
school and like it was immediately found. So then I
was at home, like playing video games or something, and
I was just getting call up, your call up, your calling.
(07:45):
Finally I picked it up and my mom she's like,
what are you doing? That was your funds sketched? The
the the hotline phone answer at the school. Who has
to hear seventeen different kids try to pull that off
on a on a daily basis. One weirdly, Um, but no,
(08:05):
the scene suggestions are from your listener emails or if
you want priority from our patron v I p s.
That's right. Uh. They get exclusive content as well, like
bonus scenes. This is kind of new bubba ba bonus
scenes recorded just for the Patreon members and um, James
sends all kinds of stuff on a regular basis. It's
kind of sexy and exciting, So head on over to
(08:27):
patron dot com slash alchemy this. Uh. If you'd like
to submit a scene suggestion via old timey email, please
write to the podcast at alchemy this email at gmail
dot com. That's Alchemy. This is scene one comes from
Patron v I P. Patrick C. Who wrote, Hey, Alchemy
(08:47):
this writing another scene while deployed overseas. Again, I can't
express so much. I love you guys doing my c
I A scene from the direct higher agency guys I
work with overseas is pretty accurate. Also, I'm getting my
call sign changed to mc thunder. I guess one of
(09:08):
us used that scene suggestion Mafia staffed with by henchman
that don't understand subtle signals when it's time to kill
someone or break knees, etcetera. Keep up the great work, Packed.
I'm not an Afghanistan anymore. My heart goes out to
(09:28):
everyone affected by what's happening there. I worked there from
two thousand fourteen to two thou and I know there
are good people stuck there unfortunately, both Afghans and Americans
hoping for a swift and speedy resolution for all of this.
Thank you for your service and your emails. Packed. I mean,
I don't know what we're gonna do. I mean, we
(09:49):
are understaffed, okay, so let's hire more people. Let's stop
this fucking COVID convenience crap and hire people back. We're
not gonna first I'm not breaking protocol. Okay, I'm not
gonna get your You're not I'm not gonna do that. No,
I'm not. Okay, as long as I'm in charge of
this family staffing, I'm gonna make sure it's done right.
You understand me. I mean, I'm beginning to understand that
you don't want to work here anymore. Listen, you don't
(10:10):
talk to a made man like that, all right, I
mean I did just now, so did? All right? And
you're so lucky that you're my younger brother's sister's cousin,
uncle's daddy's friend. I am. That's why you're here, your family.
When you're here your family. I don't know that I've
met your uncle obviously, his dad is and has a
friend who's your sister's brothers. Yeah, but your uncle who
(10:34):
which one is your uncle? Michael? Is a tiny, tiny hander,
tiny hander? Yeah, hey might know. So again, I've got
you coming in today to I'm coming in today, Tom?
Was that was that coming in? He wants a job
to work for the family? What is it? Did you
know this guy was gonna interview You're Tommy. Right, yeah,
(10:55):
I'm Tommy. Oh great, yeah, this is uh. You gotta
know everyone's name. She she made you this sandwich? Oh
my god Jesus, look, holy crap. It's like a meat
(11:16):
ball every inch. This is why would she spell out
in all of this is like you business? I think
that's all right? Excuse me. I want to talk to
whoever hires the garbageman that pick up my garbage on
my street because this ashole has been coming around and
(11:36):
knocking over the cans. Who's who that's that's me? What's
going on? What's going on? I live at three okay,
and this is not the first week that I've gone
outside and my trash cans are all laying down on
the side. Hey, Tim, you want to jump? Yeah? What
you want to? Put this guy in the trash game
right now? Excuse me? This guy in the trash canna
(12:00):
lift that? Just lift him up. We'll give me the sandwich.
If you look, give me the sandwich and we have
two hands, lift him up. What's what's candy cycling? The
black one? The all I don't give you. We're losing
the threat by talking about this. Just don't yeah, excuse you,
don't touch me. Don't touch me, he said no. I'm
(12:22):
so sorry. He said, no, put just do it. Working
to a manager. I want to speak to a manager
right now. You're gonna speak to my my tim Timo
Rex we got do you want to talk someone above me?
You want to talk someone you know what? Alright? Fine, alright, fine, alright, Hey, Tony,
won't you take him to see the boss? Huh yeah, yeah,
(12:42):
That's what I'm gonna do. And in the meantime, start
calling him Tommy instead of fucking Timmy. All right, it
was offensive to me. It is Tommy. Fuck. I just
met the fucking guy. So, as you can see by
my resume, I used to work for the Alardy family
and I'm just looking for some kind of like administrative work. Um.
(13:05):
I used to help move things from one dirt site
to another dirt site, helped silence things. Well, what do
you what do you like to do on the weekends? Um?
I like to get away from everybody, just go fishing.
Maybe I have my own boat, so I can utilize
(13:26):
that for anything you need. You're hired, man. We just
need people. Honestly, we just need people. Okay, who's my
first job? A first job? Let's look at here. Okay,
but we've got a collecting job, all right, that's my specialty,
sir as a laundromat on the mercer. Mercer, yeah and Mercy.
(13:51):
I didn't know they met? Okay, Am I wrong? I
thought that puts it in the Union's where mercer would be.
So oh I get it. Wink wink, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'll go to the laundro mat. Okay, okay, good, You're
(14:12):
not gonna regret this. This is a Panera. It's been
here for about seven years. I don't there might have
been a laundroy mat before that, but uh yeah, well,
I'm just here for the pickup of the laundry. Okay,
while I'm here, can I have the meatball sub? Please?
This is a Panera? Um okay, I guess we do
(14:35):
have a meatball sub now, that's uh. I can do that,
but I don't know. We we uh we send our
laundry out, so I don't know if there's anything to
I'm the guy who's going to take it out from now.
And if you know what I mean, you're gonna pick
up our laundry. The hell is this? This is ship? Stay?
What the he put it in? The bag. I just
(14:58):
brought it. I didn't look in the back my money.
Where's the fucking money? I don't look in the bag.
So the one guy he told me he needs to
go sleep with the fishes, he just he swam He
just swam away. Are you talking about Jim, Tim? He
just swam away. Tim. Yeah, I'm Tim My bad. I
(15:21):
don't know what I say. It doesn't matter. Look killed
that guy. Alright, honey, kits, you gotta peck all your
stuff up. Daddy's made a big mistake. Okay, we gotta leave.
This is the first time it's been daddy's fault. Okay.
The other ones were out of my fault. Were they
(15:41):
my fault that? I didn't say that now, but you
were implying that, you know what, No, this time we
face it. Okay, we're not running anymore. I'm sticking. Tired
of putting them in a new school. I'm sticking, tired
of making new friends. I can't another hobby. You can't.
I went and complained to the trash company, and one
of the thugs took me out and he was was
to kill me. Little did I know, you just let
(16:02):
me free in the water. So that's why I'm all wet.
Please just pack your bags. We gotta get out of door. Dad. Huh,
somebody's at the door. Is it Mafiosa coming to kill you?
I don't know just if everything's gonna be okay, just
don't go get the door. Don't get the door, all right?
Come back? Wait? Hello, hey, little man? What's going on?
(16:29):
Hanging out? What do you say? Who are you? That's rude?
How about? How are you okay? How are you? I'm good.
I'm good as your dad him? Um? No, are you
here to hurt him? I'm gonna try my best. Now,
(16:49):
how about this? How about you get your dad and
I give you this ten dollar bill? Okay, every one second?
This twenty dollar bill. Still, there's not a lot you
can do. Ten there's thirty bucks, kid, That's all I got.
I'm gonna go in there regardless. But I thought maybe
you can make a little cash. All right, all right,
I'm just saying, like to rent a new movie? Is so? Like?
(17:14):
Do you have like a phone? And that's what? John?
What are you doing here? Sorry? What's up? I'm a tony.
I'm talking to John. What are you doing? Why are
you going through a castro? What are you doing you? Yeah,
what do you do? Why I needed to get some
petty cash for what? For? What did you take care
(17:35):
of the guy and John Carla? Why don't you fucking
go easy on the new guys? He said? He said, Okay,
first of all, who's this little kid? This is? This
is Dylan, he's this he's the son of how the fund?
Did you bring a kiddy? What are you doing here?
We'll tell him to Dylan? Tell me what you said
about the movies and stuff? This? Oh my god, it's expensive,
(17:59):
it is what he said. This is some kind of
assassins like community where we bring in the kids of
all the people. We fucking can we train them? All? Right?
This is you gotta we gotta. It's nothing like twenty
bucks is enough like it was thirty to be honest,
But okay, I mean I forg Hey, little fellow, what's
your name? Dylan? Dylan? Can you uh, can you cover
(18:19):
your ears for just a second for me? Please? I'm
gonna say some bad words. Maybe you shouldn't hear, so
just I've heard everything, alright, then shut the funk up
while I talked to my heard everything? Yeah, I doubt
you've heard everything. Dealing all right, let's just be real.
You want to cover you Wan, don't tell you what
he has heard, John Carlo, He's heard everything you fucking
said since he showed up about killing people. Now. We
(18:40):
gotta kill now, we gotta kill. Though I know, I
thought it'd be easier to, you know, talking code, like
use euphemisms or yeah, let's try that. We gotta stick up.
We gotta put two in the back of Dylan's coconut.
To what coconut? I don't have a coconut that has
seen one, all of them that is merely seen one. Oh, mommy,
(19:06):
make it stop. Scene two comes to us from listener
Jan Eric, Jay and Eric Jan Eric, and they fucking
with me. I think so. I don't think it's personal.
(19:26):
I don't, but I'm gonna go with Yon Eric. Hello everyone,
I've been a fan of the show ever since Kevin
appeared on the penultimate episode of Craigslist Huh without further
ado too late. My scene suggestion is day two at
a bull riding for beginner's class. After a gruesome day one,
(19:51):
all the best, Yan, Eric, No, I'm just pecking my bags.
I'm not going to stay for this whole week. Were
unit we all signed up together. You saw what happened
to that guy yesterday. I'm still a free man. I
don't have to stay through the week a free man.
What are you afraid of? What I mean? I don't
(20:13):
even remember what was his name? Brian? Was it? That
guy was Gordon? Kenny said, we're all in this together,
so why don't you just stick around? We all agreed
once we finished this, we might take another some other
kind of classes together. I'm here for the social aspect
of it, to be honest, what do you we would
start with things that didn't have horns, right, So you're
afraid of what horns? And what else? He's afraid he's
(20:36):
afraid of the fool killing him. Yeah, you know. So
you're not afraid of sitting on your nuts because that's
my fear. That was what you walked away with yesterday.
One guy got gorge? How did you? Mr? Time? Time, sir?
Call me call me Kenny. Y'all We all friends now?
All right? All friends? You're not wearing your boots. Oh,
(20:59):
I'm packing my stuff up stuff huh huh. I'm taking
my suitcase. I I I'm okay. I don't need a refund.
I don't need anything. I'm I'm done. That's not how
it works here. We're like a family, all right, when
you're here. Yeah, Kenny, Um, my wife said, is it
(21:20):
cool if I leave like ten minutes early because we
gotta we're gonna go see a ball um the ball
game later, ball game. Oh so you're gonna go to
a ball game so you can get some balls. Yeah,
that's a good one. All right, get your boots on.
Everybody YouTube and let's get out there. We're gonna, we're gonna,
(21:42):
we're gonna rope some goats to that. Well, it's gonna
be so much fun. Kenny Ted's widow is here to
pick up the rest of his things and get a
pro rated refund. Jesus, we don't do pro rated damnit. Um.
All right, look we'll get we'll get failed. He's account,
he can do the numbers. I just want to see
(22:04):
where his bed was, right Well, he was going to
sleep over there. He didn't make it to the first night,
but yeah, that's right here. That was gonna be where
he was going to be. And you use that his stuff?
Are you putting this stuff in a bag for me?
Is this all of this stuff in the bag here? Technically,
we can't give it to you until the police reports done,
(22:25):
so we're gonna hold you just want us to take
his stuff? Is this serious? Mam ma'am likes miss what's
your name? My name? Yeah, Tripliana, Tripiana. Since the class
is already paid for, why don't you joining us? It's
(22:46):
a great idea. What about that'd be? And like, just
like that, my grief is gone? Are you serious? Oh
my god, that's a load off of my mind because
I thought I was gonna have to talk to film
and Rodeo accounts notoriously ornerynny. Is it okay if she stays?
(23:07):
We don't normally do it, But I think this is
a genius idea. So I guess if she's not too
scared to pick up, we're ted left off. I guess
I'll stay all unpack my stuff and look at us.
We're a unit. We're friends. Cut to twenty minutes later. Alright,
(23:29):
oh my god, there's no reason to help her. It's
a lost cause everybody just walked away. Go back nineteen minutes.
So do you put her on the bowl right away?
What do you am? I ain't sure. I love that spirit.
We're not wearing boots might might get in the way.
That's fine. She's she's doing you a girl. Is she
(23:56):
trying to do those tricks? She's born with it, She's born.
I think A minutes later, Oh, I think it's hurt.
I think my legs emergency. There's no reason to call emergency.
She's probably gonna die, alright, focus everybody. That's wild. So
(24:17):
like he just won't come to the ballgame with you. Uh, well,
he said that he's not allowed to leave, So I
don't know he's not allowed to leave. It's like it's
what he said. I guess they're pretty strict. Once you
join up and you learn to bull ride, they have
a strict regiment. I don't know. I don't even like
(24:38):
I hate to put this like seed into your head,
but like, do you think it's leget I don't know.
I hadn't thought that it couldn't be. Maybe we should
go check on them. Movie where we spy on the
boys grew totally down. But I don't know. I got work.
(24:59):
I'm not going to go buying them myself. Call out
of work, call out sick? Okay, but do you like,
can you like compensate me or something for the time
off like I'm taking all that. Uh, I suppose what
do you get paid in the day? I can do that.
She's not your friend. If she's asking you for to
(25:19):
pay for her time, she's not your friend. But she's
got to take work off like she's trying to help me.
Here's the way to fix the problem. Here's a gun.
Gun just forced her to come with me with no pain. Okay,
we have one loaded nachos here and one Mozzarelli stick.
You're a very good looking that's appreciate it. I needed that,
(25:44):
thank you. Wow. Alright, guess you gotta be really sparse
thiss Mozzarelli STIs. Okay, we don't got a lot, all right,
so people for him. Let's just make sure we just
give one at a time. Just give him one. What
are you talking? You gotta just give him what. We're
running out us running out of these sticks. When they
ordered Monzarella sticks, they get a stick. Yeah you guys. Um.
(26:07):
One of the ladies at table too said I was
good looking, funk. I needed that. I needed that. You know,
I've been leaving on you guys a lot. You're my coworkers.
Stick did you give give load of nachos? And one
Montzarella stick. You gave one, yes, sir? Okay, good? Sorry, yeah, great, No,
that's good. You're being a firm I love that. Let's
keep that up. Okay, okay, all right, okay, guys, we're
(26:31):
gonna start to ration heal open your poppers to Hey, Kenny,
um yeah, I know, I just I just did eight
seconds on the Beginner's Bowl, But I was, I don't know,
I'm feeling kind of good, and I was wondering if
maybe you could bring out um L Diablo you want
to go on L Diablo. I don't know. Maybe it's
(26:54):
beginner's luck or beginner's confidence, but I feel good in
these boots, you know, blistering my feet, but I think
that's adding to the to my everything. Oh you look good,
that's for sure. And that's the first thing about being
a real cab boy. All right. I like your your
your confidence. Yeah, I'm gonna do it. You're gonna do it. Yeah,
(27:16):
let me get filled. Do you miss Tripliana or ted
at all? Or do people die all the time? Happens
all the time, and this like, Hey, if you don't
like blood, you shouldn't be in this business. I love look, no,
I like blood. All right, Phil, get el Diablo? What
fills the accountant? Right? Yeah? Why am I getting a bull?
(27:39):
I don't understand, Bill, you got you can do both jobs.
I'm crunching numbers for fox sake. Yeah, we got them
through a hiring agency. Us to which one is the bull?
You want? L Diablo? The fire? Is that the devil? Devil? Yeah?
And don't bringing out okay? Is he the one with
(28:05):
the hans? Get that? Damn? Oh god, damn, Phil, I
haven't seen you in a while. You're bringing my check
or what's going on? Yeah? Yeah, that's what I'm doing?
Gets paid day? Oh good? Yeah, Now we took out
a little bit for insurance. Don't be surprised. It's slightly
lower than you're what you're used to getting. Are my
insurance is lower? You want insurance? Yes? Yoh yeah, I
(28:29):
mean working with these I've been working on ld album
back here for a while. Yeah. You have the impalement
uh policy, and it's a little more pricey than we thought.
Oh okay, all right, so here's your check n voyage
And what do you do when you can't go over
to al Diablo? I gotta bring him out to the
(28:49):
front of the house. Oh, Phil, you can't let El
Diablo out right now. And he's a heat. He's going wild.
I'm pretty sure he's also growing thumbs. I'm not so
he's the devil. To be clear, he's not actually a boat.
I mean he has the spirit of Satan. I mean,
I'm not one to believe in, you know, that kind
of religious ideology. But I'll tell you what he has
turned me. I have been going to church because of it.
(29:10):
Yeah you have, Kenny, don't look now, but I think
my wife is in a car across the street with binoculars,
and I think this would be the perfect time for
me to prove that, you know, these classes have really
meant something to me and to my relationship. Frankly, I
think I think I want to tackle al Diablo in
(29:31):
front of my wife. I'm green lit it already. I'm
just waiting for him to bring it to the front
of the house. Uh, Phil should be here any moment.
Are you in a relationship? Uh? Yeah, happily? Um married
twelve years. You don't say, yeah, I don't like to
talk about my personal life, but oh really, you don't.
You don't want to You don't want to talk about
(29:52):
your personal life in front of hunting everyone. Not the time.
But this is not the time. So it's got to
be at the box office. If you're here, no one's
at the box office, right right. Why would you want
to make your personal life in your professional life money?
This is not the time of place, all right, all right,
don't don't you give me that? All right. I've heard
(30:14):
that all right for twelve years. Now, you don't give
it to me. I wasn't giving you in it, all right.
M damble, get out there, Philly boy, rip off some
heads while you're at it. First, you gotta listen, Claire.
It's clear he really is doing this. Now. I feel
(30:36):
like such a bitch. I've got a gone up to
your head and I don't trust my husband. What kind
of a guy? Am I? What kind of a you
know what? Claire? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's fine. Just
let me out of the car. Okay, Okay, I'll give
you thirty dollars. I'll keep keeping keep it, keep it,
(30:58):
keep it, okay, okay? Bank, Oh ship, Oh clear, going
crazy has got a good, got a good that has
(31:21):
seen too ladies and jews, Oh Diablo. Scene three comes
from Patron v I p Jesse, who wrote another one
short and Sweet or Sweet and Sour if you prefer
the timeline where Steve doesn't leave Blues Clues but instead
(31:41):
brings Blue and the gang along to join a band. Jesse,
What time did you tell the management that we're my
bands on stage tonight? I need to know? I love
What time? Hold on? What time in my band? Is
my band on stage tonight? What did I tell management
(32:05):
that you need to go for fox sake? What time
is the band on? What time does the show start? Well?
Show starts at eight right eight? Yeah, but this is
the headlining? Yeah, you headline? Yeah? What is that? A
dog of peacha pooh? What is that? What is it?
(32:25):
Peacha poo? What's a peacha poo? Booze? It's not it's
maybe it's a peacha pooh? Mr President? Mr President needs
to talk to you right now. What is it? It
looks like from our data that there is an interdimensional
being a peachy pooh that a touchdown in a small
(32:47):
area right outside to Peaka, Kansas. What is that? Half poodle,
half peach? Exactly? Now, I got, I got, I got
black ops are already on the ground. We're gonna isolate
that area. All right, We're it makes that no one
can come in rount. But but just for the record,
there is a live music conture going on that I
I would like to see. If it's if there's if
(33:08):
there's time. What is it? Do you know? Steve from
Blues Clues? Uh? Vaguely it's a children's show where they go, great,
let's go look at this. I'm sorry, look at this. Okay,
let me pull this video up. Okay, now watch. Okay,
So do you like rock music or what you'r do? Okay?
I had counting crows at my inaugural. I wasn't invited
(33:33):
to that. Well, I mean it was it was for
you know, the top tops to people. I'll show you later,
I'll show you. It's a take fifteen. Why don't this
concert even start? I don't know. It's weird. They should
(33:54):
have some sort of music playing something, right, it's eerily
like we should look gone to the ballgame. No, no, no, no,
this is gonna be great once it starts. Hey, you
guys want to bust some weed? Oh my god, we
haven't done weeds since high school. I got edibles, I
got smoke a bulls, I got a cream. You just
(34:17):
put on your arm. I got a suppository that's pository. Yeah,
which one? Because I think my my guess isn't edible.
Would take too long. The show is going to start.
Do you want a quick guys? Yeah, you want the animal? Yeah,
it's okay, all right, Where where would we do in enema?
(34:40):
We're gonna have the other restroom for that. Enema is
not just a drug that you put up your butt,
but it also helps you poop. It could sure could cigarette.
Are you all together? Yeah, we're all together? Um, okay, sorry,
we didn't understand you early. It's hard. Towel mint, No towels,
(35:02):
no mints. We just all three want to use that stall, Bubba.
We're just going to use a stall there for a second.
The three of us have some some ship to work out.
Maybe you can look through the way for bucks. Yeah,
you can look the other way for two dollars. I'll
look the way for here you go. Here's here's two bucks. Thanks. Man. Alright,
(35:23):
so I'm looking. I'm not gonna look the way. I
prefer him not looking. That was nice to hear from
Jacob's dad, who is a firefighter. Now, my dad works
in the entertainment industry. He rubs shoulders with all the
top names in music. He helps people in a service
(35:47):
oriented Thanks man, that's her full. Here's my dad, Bubba,
thank you. Uh did that kid right there? Yeah you yeah? Yeah? Yeah?
(36:09):
You see me? Do you see do you see me? Yeah? Yeah?
So why don't I sit up here? The most excited,
most excited part of the most challenging part, the most
exciting thing about my job is uh, I guess the
free mints. I get as much ment as I want.
I don't got it. There's no overhead from her. Why
(36:30):
do you have a trade with towels, mints and cigarettes.
That's what people want sometimes after taking a ship. Okay,
that's enough of that one. That was a very good
thank you, Papa. Great to hear. Next up we have Dylan, Um, Dylan, Oh,
Dylan's dad is not here, alright, alright, guys, um the crowd.
(36:51):
The crowd is nice and quiet tonight. They're nice and
quiet out there. Everyone just relaxed and waited. Pa, pooh,
now is your time. We lost our opener. Our headliners
still to go on a ten. But we think maybe
if you want to go out there and uh go
nuts now would be the time. That right, right, right? Uh, Lawrence,
(37:11):
I don't know if a peach of pooh is really
I'm not familiar, but I feel like it could be dangerous.
Like what is it like? It looks cute, it's sound
rock and roll used to be considered dangerous, but it
never was considered cute, and I don't like it. I
don't think we should put this peacha poo up on
the stage. Let's see if you can rock pitch you pooh?
(37:34):
You ready? Hey man, hy bit, I took when your
gott to have some positories. The thing exploded in my
ain't ocane come here? Man, stop walking away from me.
Goddamn it. I think he's talking to you. Um, sir,
(37:54):
that deals us the animatron. You know what I'm talking
to you now, Just listen. I'm I'm about to get
really high. I didn't sell that to you. Well, I
don't give it up for pee boot all right, I'm
gonna kick your ass me and yeah, but yourself. I
can't get testing one two three, Agent Jensen, how was
(38:23):
the situation proceeding? Oh? My think good good? It's um
Do you care? Do you really guess? Of course I care.
I'm the president of the United States, Jensen, all of us,
right of everyone in the United States? Right? Is this
still about the inauguration? Okay? So what so what counting crows?
(38:44):
I couldn't get everyone in there. Oh, but you got
the crows. But you know I love them. You know
I love them. So that's what triggered you. Hey, everybody,
it's me, your old friend Steve shock to to see
me here at this concert on stage. I wanted to
(39:05):
tell you something. You're doing the same speech you did online.
I've missed you, and I know I went away to college. Hey,
he's doing the same speech. We know, man, We just
stop yelling at the guy. Man, Just a part of
this college is hard. Surprisingly, I'm definitely not listening to you,
Mr Poop everywhere, oh beast behind him doing life is
(39:28):
really hard, and it's about to get much fucking harder,
Ladies and gentlemen. I introduced to you PG have special
effects soundtracks. It's an electronic drums kid. Alright, alright, white man,
(39:53):
stop talking during the concert. Many here the goddamn music again.
You have pooped yourself. What am I gonna do? I
don't give a shit either, man, Leave I can't leave,
all right, I've so made to myself to this area.
I just feel like we're spending a lot of time stifling,
you know, possible alternate timelines of of wormholes that have
(40:15):
opened a night. I've got an infrastructure bill that I'm
I'm working on. Like, oh, weird, interesting, like different timelines.
Maybe there's a fucking timeline where I went see Counting
Crows at the inaugural party. Mr Jones and me. This
(40:35):
is a cover to cover all the Counting Crows songs.
It's just that guy. All right, I'm gonna take a
little break. Uh, this is for you from the President.
I hope you're having a good time. So the President
got me one guy. All right, Okay, are we good? Yeah,
(40:59):
we're good? Are we good? He looked just like Adam
Dirret's did he not? Kind of kind it's a wig.
I mean, you can't you can't just grow hair like
that unless you're Adam Durrance. But I guess, yeah, we're fine.
I'm sorry I freaked out, he Mr President. I, oh no,
it's all right, Jensen. It's just when you're here, your family,
and I felt like I was a family. You know. Well,
(41:20):
we've gotten closer over the course of my people people. Uh,
you haven't explained yet what this is Jensen. This is
the peach poodle. We we we located and we're able
to traffic. Okay, and uh is it uh of this universe?
(41:45):
No search interdimensional? So we think it's from some kind
of other dimension inter Okay? Uh and uh and how
are we proceeding with this? Jensen? Oh, gray is my
favorite color. We could gray color. Yeah, it's also it's
not a shade, it's not really a car. But uh, well,
(42:08):
let's not quibble Jensen. No, well, I want to get
to the bottom. If it's an interimensional we know what
he means. Yeah, but if gray is a color where
he's from and it's a shade where we are, that
could have ripple effects. How to get hung up on semantics? Jensen,
I want my money. I last sold that peachy poof
for you, and that's you said you're gonna pay me, Kenny,
I will, Okay, and in due time. The daddy I
(42:30):
don't think he's gonna pay it. Yeah, my boy thinks
you ain't gonna pay. I am gonna pay. Look, the
president just needs to sign this infraction. You want me
to take his boot, Daddy, no, not Yeah, yeah, I
like him. I'm looking mad at him. All right, this
my boy's gonna take your boots unless you've heard. All right, look,
what's the president passes infrastructure bill? I swear to you
(42:53):
get the instruction bill. Ain't my my issue? No infrastructure bill? Yeah,
it is true. You're gonna get alligator. Everybody want chout.
Fuego is what list running loose? And Fuego's running lose.
There's a fire fire where you gonna point? Kenny? Were
(43:14):
you going to introduce me right now? Geez? Who's watching
the box office? If you're here? All right? Well, nobody
wants to ticket to our damn rodeo, so it doesn't
matter anyway. You don't tell me. People won't want to
watch this guy getting gored to dip. We're making most
of our money on classes, not on shows. Classes on
(43:39):
our show. Oh man. Uh. If you were only subscribed
to the patron page, you would know that Craig and
the Tool apparently exchange the text about what shirt to wear.
I forgot to mention that earlier, and I wanted to
thank them for their efforts to coordinate. Um, but I
(44:00):
also want to thank ms to James Heeney for bringing
the gun show. Thanks some Miami colors and cleaning up
the face. So just that fantastic mustache remains. How should
folks find you and follow you? Go ahead and check
out the real James Heeney on Instagram. Ah, that's a
(44:22):
good way to find me, all right, fantastic, Thank you, James,
Chris Alvarado, Bless your brother. Bless you what shirt you
got on there? Because I'm sensing a little gray what's
going on down below? Sorry? Sorry? Where do you get
such a thing? Oh? James? Tell us where we get this?
(44:45):
If you go to Tea Spring and search Alchemy, this
you'll find it. It's the Alchemy this store on te Spring.
We have new designs coming your way momentarily working with
the artist now and he's very excited as am I.
So um, head on over to get the current lackluster
(45:05):
inventory and then we'll get you some exciting stuff. So
I don't know, I say, jump on this o G merch.
You know what it means. This is this is the
O get know why you can't about to get the mug?
A tool of you all about the mug? Yeah? Yeah,
I just came in on some money and so I
was like, I'm gonna just use that money get some mugs.
Do I want to expand a little bit on this
recent money coming into I appreciate it. And that's uh yeah,
(45:28):
that's great. Okay, fair enough, Greg Kowski, thank you for
being with us again. What a pleasure. Check out Cannon
Crow's debut August and everything after still still holds up
pretty well. Mr is on there and uh uh and
uh round here. What's the lead singer's name. Adam Durrett's
(45:50):
Adam Dirrett's, Courtney Cox and Jennifer Anderston and Jennifer Inston.
So respect Adam Durrett's is a big fan of theirs.
I don't know. I don't dated them. No, they're just friends.
He oh, I see what you did. Friends, Joey Greer,
(46:11):
you know it. You dated Courtney Cox for a little bit. Yeah, yeah,
we're friendly. It was just like, you know, a couple
of years, very very cool. We're still we're still close
friends of this day. We love making pasta and that's uh,
we're still close friends. And you go over and you
make pasta. We bring our families together. And okay, you
any reason you didn't want to get more specific beyond
(46:32):
just the word pasta, because I'm gonna be honest, I
don't I don't know much about Bosta. So yeah, when
we get there, it's like, I don't catch you Peppe
you know Totalini. How about Boga de pepe A you're
familiar with that. Yeah, I'm actually redesigning one of the
rooms in there, are you? Yeah? Is it the Pope room?
(46:53):
What's up? Is it the Pope room? Which one were
you redesigning? It's the It is the Pope room. I knew.
I knew it at which restaurant? Well, no, because I
think it's Book Pepper Pepe. It's not Book Pepe and
that's the one. That's the one. I'm's not Peachi Poo either.
(47:21):
Of course you showed Oh yeah, I showed pikache speak.
Check out alchemy this on Reddit, check out our Instagram.
Thank you for that, Joey, and let's thank our engineer
to the stars and producers. Don't forget the fine folks
(47:44):
that I hurt. Media, Please be kind to each other.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollic, thanking each and every damn
one of you for giving us a listen and telling
everyone you've ever met, your entire lives to check out
and I know this, and I
Alchemy This News
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Kevin Pollak
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