October 15, 2020 • 61 mins
Man without purpose in life goes shopping
Spiritual healer in a day of defiance
Foodie has never eaten the same food twice
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Well, come back to another episode of Alchemy is COVID nineteen. Addition,
I'm your host, Kevin probably has that Kevin pol Well,
if you bide the number of times I've said we're
fucked by the days of the week and then subscribed
Tuesday because that's to day. I gotta just kept pace.
I mean what you get. But I digress. Let's meet
our Alchemy shower in a particular to say to Caroline, yea, run,
(00:27):
don't run, don't What have you learned since the last
time you were with us? Um that I'm a lot
I pretend or I really thought I was like I
really I thought I was like chill and easy going,
and I actually learned that I'm like a tight as
(00:49):
bitch in a bad way, in a bad way, and
by fucking driving across the country with one other person.
And what a great way to find out. That's the
best way possible to find out. And did you find
out from the people you met along the way or
(01:10):
the other person you were with? Well, I really had
to come to Jesus whatever you want to call a moment,
you know, just because it kept happening. And then I
talked to these people, the person I traveled with and
my friends and family, and I'm like, you know what,
I think this is crazy. You might not believe me,
but I think I'm like really anal and kind of difficult.
And all of them were like, yeah, that's like the
(01:32):
number one thing about you. We've all been saying that
for years. That was the feedback. Wow. Yeah, well, bless
them for keeping it to themselves and letting you find
it on your own. God bless yeah. Well, let's Jesus
and God thank you for joining us. Also today, uh wait,
(01:53):
there's jacket Ruthy Jack got got got got got you
ought to know by now, please share anything from a
Halloween costume, incident, incident. I'll just share my favorite Halloween costume,
whether it was an incident, and I guess I can
think of an incident. But I'm dressed as weird Al Yankovic,
(02:16):
and um, it's scary how much I look like him.
It's uncanny, it's amazing. I didn't know until I did it,
and I didn't know until you said that, But that's
all I see now. It's it's so true. And then
two years later I saw him and I did say something. Um,
we were at the movies and I had to cross
(02:37):
in front of him to get to my seat, and
I said, Mr Yankovic, a huge fan, such a pussure
to meet you. You do look a lot like you,
and I dressed up as you in my heart. Like.
The first thing my husband said to me the first
time we ever hung out was like you could you
could actually do a really good weird awl. And I said,
I'm going to marry this man. Holy shit. Yeah, my
(03:01):
hats off to anyone on a first date who says
you look like a questionably attractive man. He knew who
he was dealing with, and that I would say, the
best gift you've ever given me, and it was that
is fucking phenomenal on all levels. And I thank you
for your candor. Ladies. Here's Chris Overado boo to my
(03:25):
boo named two birds that are flightless? Please and which
is your favorite ostrich? EMU, I don't know how you
pronounce that. Um, you're close enough. Um. I to the
Ostrich because I mean, I guess that's not your favorite.
Though not my favorite. I'll say Ostrich because I have
experience with them. Because for those of you who may
(03:46):
or may not know, I grew up in a rocky childhood.
My mother was a career criminal, and at one point
she was actually she actually went to jail for what
we'd like to joke around in our family as for
going to jump a grand theft bird. She was dealing
and selling ostridge and other exotic animals to undercover FBI agents,
so she didn't know that obviously at the time. This
(04:07):
is all very true. So because of that, I got
to mess around in an ostrich farm for a while.
Did you ride on? Uh No, No, No, they were
too small. They were too small. Um, that's that if
I made it for one second, Caroline, I want to
say something really quick. When I when I first started
going to therapy, my therapist told me that I had
suffered from some self self loathing issues. And I told
(04:29):
my improv team that I was coaching, and they all
looked at me and they went, yeah, I didn't know
that everyone. I didn't know that everyone knew that I
hated myself. So I relate to your story I had.
I told them it's like, this is what my therapist said.
They were like totally. And then to Jackie, Jackie, your
what was the video you just did recently where you
were weird out as I did like a gal Gado
(04:51):
singing again for the Core in Core, everybody has to
go go to her instagram and see this. It is weird.
All doesn't make an appearance. It's my favorite part. It's
so good. I have to use my time to say that.
Go to Jackie's Instagram. Watch this video. It's so good,
and then you'll see the weird al part and it's perfect. Okay,
I said too much, no, no, thank you, and I
can't believe you drove past the Ostrich stealing ring with
(05:16):
even better story. Holy craft. That was a never ending
gift we're gonna have. And now I must move on
to Craigkowski. Uh, time of year, you're thinking about putting
out the decorations. Which decoration? Sure, I don't put out
(05:40):
decorations for anything that's flag on the patriotic patriotic holidays. No,
I don't want anybody trick or tree to get my house,
so I don't want to look I don't want to
look like anybody's home. Right. Um, I guess I'm kind
of into Christmas, but but nothing other than maybe a
tree in side. We put out a an artificial tree
(06:03):
that's about a foot and a half high. Wow, what
a commitment. Yeah, we really, we really care. And I'm
curious as to what my character flaw is that everybody
obviously knows about it, but it's not telling me. Are
are you curious because we could tell you it's it
seems like the theme is find it on your own.
Let's do it at the end of the episode. Okay,
(06:26):
it's fair and speaking of last last but cocka doodle,
don't if you think of least it's Joey Greer Keith.
Do you remember ever trying super hard to stay up
late when you were a kid. Yes, can we move on? Okay,
(06:53):
first of all, I'm gonna post this video for our
patron v i p s. But all of our listeners,
which is the majority, cannot see the ridiculous visual you're
putting up in the zoom. So they just heard you
answer me with that's it. That's all they got. Oh,
(07:20):
let's do a damn show all of our scene suggestions
to gather from your listener emails or from our patron
v i ps. To become a patron supporter of the
show and enjoy exclusive content like video drops of these
here gatherings, just head on over to Patreon dot com
slash alchemy this. If you'd like to submit a scene
suggestion via email, however, please please. I enjoy reading them
(07:41):
all and responding to as many as I can. Please
write to the podcast at your name here at alchemy
this dot com. That's your name here Alchemy See one
comes from Patron. V I p Oystein. That's O Y
S T E. I N anyone want to help me?
But that's right? Who wrote? Hey? Writing in as a
(08:06):
smoking fresh v I p Patreon member. I've been yeah right,
I've been listening from the start, and you guys already
helped me through too wet and dark winters over here
on the Norwegian It's not necessarily bad, but on that one, yeah,
(08:27):
over here on the Norwegian coast, it really is great
to have an instant escape in two hours of fun
and madness. And at this point I don't even get
awkward laughing in public anymore. You are the first thought
podcast I ever supported on Patreon, mostly because no one
else ever asked for my money. It's definitely the best
(08:50):
pent money one month in a row. Now, though I've
tried time and again to get my girlfriend to listen,
but she always listened at the most crazy moments and
it gets to be too much. I love it though,
scene suggestion a man without purpose in life. This is
(09:11):
perfect for today. Goes shopping. You all bring something different
to the table. I love you all. Also love the
live hangs hold the door oisting attention all shoppers. There
is a sale at Don's Shoes corouse. Hey, whoa buddy,
(09:36):
where's the fire sales? Don't Shoes? Oh, let's go hire
you too? Would you like some shoes? Are Are you okay?
(09:59):
Hey Mark, I'm look at the camera Shore. It looks
like there's some crazy ship going down in front of
don Shoes. Should we I don't know, Maybe send somebody
over there to check it out or break some of
this stuff up for your friend of Don's Shoes. I
mean that place hasn't got business in years. Yeah. Good.
Don's grandfather then with the mall. That's the only reason
(10:23):
they let him keep a store front. No, I don't know,
I just I'm looking at him, just looking at the
camera Shore. Things are going pretty nuts over It looks
like some so much have an artitect that I don't know. Hey,
you guys, I'm putting in a lunch orders today. I'm
ordering from Blimpy Subs. So again again, I've only ordered
(10:46):
there since it started a year every day. Let's get
a part. Let's get a party sub for for the
whole crew, for the three of us. Yeah, where the
whole crew? I mean anything we can't finish, I'll take home. Okay,
what is it? So what I want to take some home? Maybe?
Well he claimed it first, so he's going to get
the rest of the party sub. Okay, one party sub
for the three Okay, Hey, what's up? Um? Hi? Um?
(11:16):
You don't you don't know me? Um um. So I
was shopping. I was shopping this afternoon. I was there
was a sale at Don's Shoes, and this lovely woman
who was obviously into sales as much as I was.
I believe that woman is your wife. I went through
her purse as she went down. She's dead. Okay, let
(11:40):
me back up three points. Yeah, you think she's my wife?
You went through her purse and oh, by the way,
she's dead. Yeah is that what you're saying? Yes, sir? Okay,
So give me a moment because I can't believe. I
can't believe out. I just hold on. What is your name?
(12:04):
Who knows? Right? You know him a cop, right, because
I gotta tell you, how would I ever know that
the game or what? Hold on a second, Uh, my
name is nobody, Jimmy. Yeah, go fund yourself the fun.
(12:26):
I have to say. I thought Heaven was gonna be
a little more fun. But I'm up here watching my
husband not give a hoot. Died you just shut up
in mind? Okay, will you shut up in mind? If
she just comes over here and she's just not working.
We're funky arms. They're so sore. How much they can
(12:49):
tell it's supposed to be quiet over there? Stomake me
come hort, shoot shot? How long have you been here?
Hey guys, Hey guys, guys, it's me Jesus. I'm sorry
I yelled before. I just set off the one dog
(13:11):
that lives in heaven up here, he's bar he's going crazy.
The other room bargain. Oh, I thought went to heaven only.
This is only one. The rest of them are asholes,
disappointment at every turn. You guys need to keep it down. Okay.
Do you know what I had to do when I
was alive dot Well, when we had to I had
(13:34):
to do it. My daddy told me, and I listened
to my daddy. I did not choose. My daddy told me.
I do what my daddy tells. Of course I had to,
So yeah, I had to do that, crucified whatever. So
if you guys could just shut the funk up while
I'm trying to take a damn nap and just keep
mining the clouds, I would really appreciate it. Okay, I
(13:56):
can just um go now, Sarah. I just felt an
action to your wife in that moment, and that's yeah,
probably best if you didn't go just yet. I have
a few more questions. Seeing how you're the first, You're
gonna better. You're gonna pass my person. I'm hearing about that.
My wife is jed Jimmy, I will rip off your
head and diarrhean down your neck. Jesus man. So my
(14:22):
name is nobody, give me a middle name? How about that? Uh? See,
thank you. I need to call you something. See Uh.
I was getting ready to retire from the force, and
I said to my captain, just shure of my wife
being killed, there's no way I'm staying on the job.
(14:42):
So this is hitting me on a couple of different levels.
If you follow me, do you know how she died? Yes? Yes,
please tell me she was some would say overly excited,
but just to me, a normal amount of excite. You
two having sex, No, sir, No, I haven't. I've never
had sex. Look at the table that one. She was
(15:05):
overly excited about what shoes? And then somebody shot her.
No sir, she was throwing elbows like a mad woman.
But again right, and then I think the excitement got
to her and her heart stopped. Her heart gave up. Yeah,
Oh wow, look I'm gonna go for a long walk.
(15:28):
Now that's fair. That's fair. Okay, everyone, thank you for
coming to uh, you know, our annual meeting of potum
people who are waiting until marriage. Um, and uh you know,
we're all waiting until marriage to have sex. And even
even in marriage, we don't have to have sex because
we want to be pure for heaven. Right, So thank
(15:52):
you for coming in. It's good to see everybody here.
It's good to see everybody here. Okay, okay, and so
let's just um, you know, let's let's have this opportunity
to mingle jingle, and uh you know, we're waiting until marriage,
and even if we get married, we don't have to
and we shouldn't there. You know we shouldn't. I hate
(16:12):
my body. I hate my body, so uh, let's um,
let's just make sure that it's all pure. Okay, everything's pure.
Ask how you how you arrived at the acronym pottom. Well,
it's people who are wait until marriage. I mean, I
understand it's the first letter of the full name of
the group, but I think if you change the name
(16:33):
of the group, you might have a better acronym. Okay,
I hear that. What What are your thoughts? What are
your thoughts on that? There's a lot of people, there's
a lot of Okay, yeah, yeah, let's let's keep it pure.
I thought that this group was like a poor autumn group,
poor autumn bottom, what's my understanding of it? So that's
(16:58):
why I came here, because they assumed it was for
people who want to celebrate autumn who also happened to
identify as poor. I also have never had sex, and
I'm down to wait till marriage. If this is just
like a kind of happy coincidence, so yeah, well, then
yet you're in the right place, all right. I thought
it was people who are waiting for trademarks because I
have a I have a patent, out. I know that's
(17:22):
a different thing, but I'm just hoping again. I'm hoping
to get a trademark on my patent. So I invented
a a thing that that taps into honey, have you
had sex? That's seen one one? Oh, My thing is
(17:46):
tapped in to your honey. See two. Comes from Mateo,
who wrote, Hey, I'll can ask you guys give me
constant life throughout my day, laughing out loud, making weird
faces to myself anyone else who might be watching. You've
struck comedy gold with this podcast. Who had an agent
tell me that once may you never ever stopped recording.
(18:08):
I'm a healer and often work with people who come
to me seeking wellness and a genuine improvement in their lives,
yet they have real fear and resistance to their own healing.
My scene suggestion is simply that some form of spiritual
healer who was caught in the midst of a day
of defiance. Love you all come and see me sometime
(18:33):
for healing Love Matteo. And then he gave a website
a link Should I share that? I mean it could
help someone. It's just healer Matteo dot com. Oh, Chris
Dash over. Uh seriously though parenthetically, he adds, any of
(18:56):
you would like to come to see me, uh for us,
and I'm happy to offer you a great disk. I mean,
it just went a little sideways on a pitch. Um, Actually,
go for it, Go for it. I'm sorry. I was
(19:18):
actually recommended to you by a friend. She said that
you got rid of all of her bloating. She would
recommended to me. Yeah, I was recommended to you by
my friend. I was recommended to you by a friend
who who recommended she, like Casey, recommended me to you. Right,
whatever doesn't matter, Okay, So what's going on? I think
(19:39):
it actually really does matter to me because I have
burned a lot of bridges in my life. So I
just want to make sure that the recommendations clean. You know. Yeah,
great fire starter. Okay, cool? So what do you want
you want me to forgive you for something? Just go
let's just go into the room. Let's just go into
the room real quick. And okay, oy, actually keep your
(20:00):
shoes on. Jesus, Chris, welcome to the room. Please put
this robe on, remove any makeup, put this white. Okay,
thank you, please. You have a lot of making It
doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Let's just get to it.
Let's just go okay, okay, great, okay, all right, So
(20:20):
what's up? What's you want to Ricky? We want to
want me to Ricky your ass or something or what's up?
I mean, honestly, I have a lot of physical ailments.
Obviously you saw the tip of the iceberg with my feet,
but I actually wanted to to work a little more
on like my daddy issues, Like I ate him, um,
but at the same time I feel bad, do you
(20:43):
know what you mean? Like I feel bad for him,
like for the state of his humanity. Yeah, okay, so
let's get to it. So um okay, um uh. You're
peanuts in its fine, flee allergic, It's fine, okays, just
(21:04):
having them in the room. It's just it's flaring at nor.
You have an eppy pen in here. You have an
EPI pen in your purse. I never gary eppy pens.
Let me tell you right now, good, those are reason
we don't want that in your body. All right, Lucas,
can we get the rattlesnake and have this rattle snake?
(21:26):
You're saying my daughter died during routine reiky, Sir, you
don't need to have your identity. This is not related
to to my daughter's job. I'm doing. I'm doing an
interview with sixty minutes and on separatedition, I'm doing it
(21:52):
in sixty minutes on the superdition. And they told me
they we're shooting at six o'clock tonight, but they told
me I had to do the sponsible bad. So I'm so,
I'm just UM. And we've heard a lot from a
lot of people, UM who loved our beautiful daughter. UM.
And I think the one who loved her the most,
(22:13):
who had the most strenuous relationship with her, is her father.
So he's the last to speak at the funeral. So UM,
please come on up here, UM ted Sorry, UM, I've
asked the three of you to stop that before. Please
do not clap at my daughter's funeral. It seems good
to see everyone and you see all new faces. UM.
(22:37):
Correct the cameras off, the interview is done. That that
change the voice. But I just don't understand. I'm I'm
watching my own funeral and my dad can't even use
his real fucking voice. How can I trust that his
emotions are real? Just shut up in mind, Shut up
(22:59):
in mind? Know UM? So thank you. You are the
parents of the deceased. I was the attendant who was
working um at the healing house. Now I have some
good news for you. He's here the healer and what
way and that that's the good news. Let me just
cut you out there. That's the good news. He doesn't
(23:20):
believe your daughter is actually dead, he says, in his words,
she's more alive than ever. So if you could just
take your makeup off, these are some makeup, white scare
both of you. Please take that makeup off site for everyone. Yeah,
and I have sixteen minutes makeup on still, and I
(23:43):
think I just like the way it looks. It doesn't
and he did it on me too, and honestly it
looks good. Well here he is. Hey, guys, Hey, what
kind of what kind of healer? Someone you know? Someone
who wants to heal completely? Okay, well, obviously that's not working.
(24:05):
You killed our daughter and you will not give the
body back to us. Okay, this question, what was the
last time you two in the same room together? The
funeral of our daughter yesterday and then before that, it's
been years with no body. It wasn't nobody, nobody. There
were people at the funeral, but there was nobody's It
(24:27):
was the crowd was too enthusiastic for my for what
I consider people love. People loved, they wanted to they
wanted to celebrate her life. It isn't a sad time
boohoo event. Right, yes, it is. You killed our daughter. Now,
before we get into this, let's just stop saying I
killed her, because that's that's I don't do that. Okay,
(24:50):
let you try. No, I'm not. I'm going to sell
you a line of new age good ship. So oh,
I want you both to say, take off your shoes
and wrap your feet around each other so your toes
in a lock. When is the last time you cut
(25:12):
your toe nails? I'm gonna be honest, it's been a while.
That's where sixty minutes wanted to talk to me, Leslie
Stone was doing. Leslie, thanks for coming in. I just
saw the breakdown of your story for this week, and
apparently with extremely long ton nails. Yeah right right, So
(25:34):
you know this isn't like a Ripley's, believe it or not,
the kind of show. You've been here a long time
and I'm just curious what happened. I don't know if
you've ever been to Ripley's believe it or not, but there,
it's a lot of faked things and this is one
real and that's why this is breaking news. There's nothing
fake about this man's curly tonails. Okay, so you think
(25:57):
folks that watched this show for thirty two years are
going to be fascinated as you are with this man's
long toe nails. Well, here's why I think that it's very,
very fascinating. Normally, when you have such long, curly tone nails,
you cannot wear an enclosed shoe. And yet this man
doesn't own a sandal. He's wearing boots always, and that's
(26:21):
one thing that's fascinating. Butting Hello, Hi, Yeah, is this
sixty minutes? This is this is specifically miss stole your piece? Uh?
Did it air yet? Are yet? Honestly, I have a piece.
(26:46):
So I'm an EmPATH and and I'm a psychic, and
I just know that I know you have a special
piece coming. Give me one more. Let me just put
you on speaker phone right now. Okay, ere's open speaker
phone on. Give it to me. Um. The speaker is
actually working great, So but you could if you could
(27:07):
get closer you were before closer to your mic and
speaking normal. I prefer that than further and yelling. So
can you hear me? Yea, we can both hear you.
What's your name? I want my I'm an EmPATH and psychic,
and I just want to say I know your work.
I know your work. I have to go Okay, well, uh,
(27:30):
high healer, I know. I know you're scheduled. You're packed today,
the books are packed. Um, I wanted to go over
a couple of business items with you before we get
to your next person, next healing session. So you wanted
to just just be healer Matteo dot com? Is that right? Yeah?
(27:52):
That's right? Okay, Um do I need Do you think
I need more than that? Well? The problem is there's
a and you know this. I don't have to tell
you this. There's a much more popular and famous healer
also named Matteo. He's the one that killed the girl
last week. So it's kind of weird. How about not
that Mateo dot com. What do you think that's funny?
(28:14):
Because that's funny too, not that Matteo dot com. Right,
And also we're making light of the whole death thing.
That's funny, not not that. I'm so sorry to interrupt.
I just him next, I have the next appointment, and
but that's also my website right now, not that matteo
dot com. Well, well that's helpful, thank you, you know,
(28:35):
and I need to kind of get healed, kind of
a sap. So if you guys, yeah, yeah, okay, okay, okay, okay,
you know what, I'll put a p I mean I
could help you. I'm sure, yeah, I mean an appointment
with you? Is your next appointment rights out perfectly? It's
two you know what, Now I'm going to the other guy.
(28:56):
Never mind, I'm going to the other guy. So the
other guy. This is why I wanted. They're saying the
loss of a child can be one of the most
traumatic things for a marriage to deal with. But can
you talk a little bit more about your tone nails
and how that's affected your marriage. First of all, it's
(29:16):
just really hard to get them in my boots because there,
you know, each tonnail there's is upwards of three ft long. Um,
they do curl around a bit. So this is the
studio we're having video and audio issues. His real voice
(29:36):
and his identity will be revealed in the next five
seconds unless you cut away four three in the next
five seconds. Keep talking. Where is this? Is this going
out live? By the way, Oh we're live? Um, well, Jesus, Now,
everybody fucking knows who I am. I mean everyone in
(30:01):
the studio. Everyone studio. You knew who he was. It's
Jesse Crumpton. I know him. Yeah, Jesse Crumpton. Can we
at least agree that it was a good story until
his freaky identity was woe? I don't know, just I
need you to pay the bill, okay, please, I please
(30:21):
just pay the bill so I can go. I don't worry.
I'll tip you well one coffee. I'm gonna tip you
with twenty. But I just want to get your opinion
as of the more about the close please, I just
want to go home. It was fine. I loved it.
It was great, Okay, great, Okay, great? Then honestly, um,
(30:43):
thank you, thank you for the coffee, thank you for
your service, and thanks for the coffee. Okay for the coffee. Yeah.
I think that's Leslie Stall with the Holy crap from
the sixties show. Yeah, yeah, she's on the Close Circuit
TV right out. That's that's something. She's right side side
of darns shoes. Maybe we picture a new show stall
(31:04):
at the mall. Yeah. I didn't even mean that to
be a rhyming thing, but now you know it's pretty catchy.
I mean, how much longer can that show last? That's
sixty minutes? I mean, look, just that was that was
always the deal on that show, even lest this long.
This show. This week, we're gonna talk to this guy
(31:25):
who doesn't want us to tell everybody everything. They say.
It's sixty minutes, so it's gotta last exactly that long, right,
But any of those stories really worth it? Damn? This
week we talked to this guy that you don't know
really but we do. Yeah, how is that a thing?
I mean, they got that twenty four hour or sixty
(31:46):
minutes hotline that anybody can call and pitch stories. So
it's a wonder things. There's not better, better things out there. People, Hello,
sixty minutes hotline? How can I help you? What's your
story idea? Really good story idea? I'm sorry you need
(32:07):
to take off any sort of voice modification or wacky thing?
Is it me? Come in you as I am with
great ideas, great ideas for stories, ideas for different chocolates.
Even think about a chocolate that has bread, souls, raisins,
and peanuts in it. I don't want. Actually, yeah I
(32:29):
have that. Actually sounds of like a tasty little morsel.
So here's my story. Pitch. Okay, Don Shoes and well
Don shoots right, Don Shoes, I've never heard of that.
It's a very popular shoe store in this one mom
in the Synchristi one mall. It's over on fourteen and Wilson.
(32:54):
It's the best shoes store that's been there for years
grandfather in But not a lot of people know about it.
So what if we rebranded it to Dawn's Shoes, l
A and traps the people who are huge fans of
Don shula a pitch for the Don. Yes, that's what
(33:16):
I was gonna say. It sounds like you're rebrand you
want to. We can't really do a story on sixty
minutes about rebranding. Alright, sixty minutes. Uh, phone operators, give
us your best names, your best Okay, we're talking about Okay,
we have to union eze. We are being oppressed by
(33:39):
by by everyone at six months. You have any ideas
that are worthy of the show or not. I had
one guy calling and say that he can bowl a
perfect game at will. I like that anybody else that
someone came do with something else but had a really
good snack idea for chocolates, and I'm listening to something
with that, just maybe for like our next holiday lunch
(34:02):
chocolate pretzel. I think raisin kind of thing seems good.
And did you try this? No? She just or it.
I don't really know what was happening on the other
end line, but no, I didn't try it. Stop the presses.
This is the story. This is the story. It's a TV.
(34:23):
It's everybody, stop, stop the presses, stop press go go
here's your boarding pass. Go to it. Find out more
about this chocolate. I think that from the location I
got on the phone, Wow, first class. Yeah, let me
just show you. Thank you, And it's kind of I
don't think I'm in need a boarding pass. The person
I spoke to was in Los Angeles, and I'm in
(34:45):
Los Angeles, but I have to take it just for
my boss. So interesting is you're gonna wear a mask? Sorry, sorry,
she's gonna wear a mask. I don't believe in that,
right from Okay, you're gonna have to wear masks? Or
I thought the airline is very strict about this. We
have very searched about that. And if you don't mean
you're gonna have to fight in the octagon, this is
(35:06):
gonna be great, fine in the octagon of the plane. Yeah,
I'll tell you it's very hard for me to fight
because I probably have contracted him and spreading COVID nineteen.
I'm gonna suck you up? Is that what you're saying.
We've got a we've got clear skies ahead for a
(35:26):
nice five minute flight from Los Angeles to the Los
Angeles today, just so you know, the octagon is open
to settle any beefs you may have with any other
passengers and sit back and enjoy a nice Okay, I'm ready.
No one's no one believes you, no one's coming here.
(35:49):
I can't pitch it to the company. I have to
pitch it to sixty minutes because they're never gonna like
a thing like me. Make such big wait. Hold it
right there. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, grandlins. Listen, listen up,
(36:13):
fucking Grandma's listener. You're in hell right now. You're in hell.
That's not true. That's not true. Word Pasadena's that's sucking hell,
man a town. It's quaint to sixty minutes any second,
six tell him, tell him sixty minutes will be your
any moment. And you know, don imagine if you knew him,
(36:37):
wouldn't you want to buy his shoes? What? Oh fucking
that's the doorbell. I've been in sixty minutes, I've been hell, Hello,
(36:59):
oh my, oh my god. It smells disgusting in here.
Hi stench. Most people say it's like a force field shield,
but I'd say, come closer. Um a taste. Okay? What
(37:20):
don't wear pothers? You if the sellf bothers, you just
put on a mask. We're wearing them in hell, just
wearing No, I'm not gonna do. It doesn't sit on
my face. I have a face like a dinner plate.
It slides right off. Um. Okay, So which one of
you pitched the you? You look you sound like the voice?
(37:41):
What not? You that someone pitch a story here to
me about the shoe store. That's not the one I want.
The what I want is the one about the chocolates,
the chocolate idea. Who had the chocolate idea? That was me?
But again, that wasn't a pitch for a story. I
don't want story, okay, sorry, equalifying why my other story
(38:06):
was a really good pitch. You really don't know how
the news works, do you. Okay, people want something tasty,
something sweet, and a snack. And also, my boss is
a fucking idiot, so that's the thing that he wants
to do. So you're gonna come with me back to
l A. I have two boarding passes. Yes, don't leave, Hell,
(38:26):
don't leave. Somebody just leaves and no one left Pasadena
that scene too, My god, see three consorts pat v
I P David the Joho who wrote I have an
(38:46):
idle question and a scene suggestion question. You recently did
a second improv on a scene you've done a few
episodes earlier, the one about Superman having a secret identity.
What's the story? And yes, ahem, that was my scene suggestion.
So I'm either a little bit proud or a little
(39:06):
bit ashamed or both, which is for my tribe, the Jews,
basically what it means to be a little bit proud.
Here's a scene suggests a foodie is proud that he
or she have never eaten the same food twice. Keeping up,
Please keep up the amazing work and stay safe. Love
you all. David w In Boston. Both of you had
(39:29):
a chance to look at the menu. I trust Shall
we start the order? Now? Do you have anything um
special like that's not on the menu? Oh gosh, yes,
I'm sorry, Paul should have read you the specials. Sure, yes, Um,
I can tell you about the specials. For entree, we
have a sausage ravioli in a man she means not
(39:55):
on the menu. Okay, yes, are you familiar with um
the Armadello pie? Yeah, I had that. I think the same.
Antonio an idiot? Okay, fair enough? Is chef here? Uh? Well,
of course? Yeah, the chefs in the back. Did you
want to hear from the show. That's what I'm saying.
(40:18):
I'm sensing you rather I leave the table and go
get the show. You're great? Huh you can be honestly,
if you want to sit down, you can't but you.
But if you'd like to from the chef, Okay, then
I should go back and let him know. I'll be right. Okay, Okay, Tracy,
while he's doing this, will you marry me? Oh my god, yes,
here's your ring. I appreciate it. No, no, no, I
(40:41):
love you. I love you. Oh my god, I'm gonna
call my mom after we do. Okay, did you too,
just still get engaged? Yes, yeah, it's great, that's not
that's not you know. Let me let me get when
the waiter comes back. Let me buy a battle and
we get a bottle of ship. Wait, rich, you can't
afford that, Rich, Why would you offer that. I'm trying
to impress her. Okay, so I want you back to hell?
(41:03):
Are you trying to impress her? You're married to me?
Shut up, I don't want to be Do you think
I'm happy here? Damn? Right now? Right now? The chef
is that right, sir? You're the chef. I'm just another patron.
I mean, I'm just sitting here. It's a funny little
outfit you've got on. Then white count My wife, Egan
(41:29):
he or, she likes to make sure we're all white.
And if I spill anything on my shirt, she can
call it out. And yeah, it's kind of our relationship.
We don't want to talk to you anymore. But yeah,
but um, I personally will take the champagne. Okay, fantastic.
What the fund is the issue? I'm trying to see
us some salmon here? Yeah, sorry, it's just I try
(41:50):
to give him the specials and they said, can we
talk to the chef? So h yeah, I don't. I
don't talk to anybody for ship. Okay, yeah, that guy
in the full chef's toke if he's If he's back again,
let me know because I'm gonna punch his lights out. Lenny,
We've been over this. It's just a couple who claims
they've had everything and everything that they're saying, So what
(42:14):
can I I would like to talk to these people? There?
Go yeah, quick toast. I know where the house is.
Quickt uh. Thank you stranger for buying us this champagne.
It's that couple over there. Thank you, cheers, and please
stop talking to us for the recipe. You are your
(42:34):
band from this place? What are you doing? Rex? Take
off everythingulous? Rich? What are you talking about? Rachel? Should
god wear that? But not even a cord on blue?
Don't wear that anymore? What do you want to do?
What do you want me to say? Look, I'm not
a chef, you're not a chef. This isn't stolen valor. Okay, folks,
(42:56):
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that this man is
bothering you, and I'm sorry you're a relationship with him. Well,
I well, I'm married to him, so thank you. All right,
I'm just saying it's thank you, thank you for for
getting this intruder out of the way. We have a
quick question. Can you make something we haven't had before? Yeah?
(43:22):
We never eat the same thing twice. Gross, you never
eat the same thing twice. So I see you're looking
for something off menu. Yeah, off off menu, kind of
like off off Broadway. I think that's the chef. Let
me ask him, Hey, chef, get some more bread over here?
Of course, Okay, that's that's not the chef, and the chef,
doesn't you know the bus boys provide bread for the table. Okay,
(43:45):
Oh sorry, can you find us a bust boy? Okay?
Have you had have you had grilled rat rattlesnake? I haven't.
I mean I've had grilled cobra, grilled viper girls, python
girls in a kinda grilled um gardner st snake, grilled um.
(44:10):
I already said cobra, Yeah you did, you did? You've
never had grilled rattlesnake. No, no, I don't think that
I have ever had grilled rattlesnake again, grilled cobra, grilled python,
grilled Piper, you never did the same thing twice? Does
that a constriction constrictor oh my god, Egan, that's insane
(44:37):
to like, what are you gonna do? Are you just gonna, like,
I don't know, live here or something like that. Ah,
go ahead. I don't want to speak for you. Um,
I just I'm I too am frustrated about this on
your behalf. But I don't want to speak for you.
I think you understand, like anything that happens to me,
(44:58):
it also happens to my twin, you know what I mean.
So even though she is not married to Rich, she
feels that she called me up the other day after
Rich and I had a fight at the restaurant where
he wouldn't wear all white, and um, she called me.
She's like, oh my god, I'm so upset. Remember that
you were like, did you guys have a fight because
you felt it? Yeah. But again, I don't want to
(45:19):
speak for you. Just because we're twins doesn't mean that
like I get to, but you want to, you can.
I mean, and I know this story, you know, just
kinda like asking like your feelings, you know what I mean,
Like I'm aware of the play by play. Is that
kind of like what I meant and like feelings wise,
I feel like I can't speak for you. Yes, go ahead,
because that I do feel, you know, I feel with you,
(45:41):
but I don't I don't live in your eyeballs. Yes,
And so we tried that before. We tried to make
that like happen, and it hurt and it didn't work. Honestly,
it was so stupid. A fountain in a different fountain,
and then the lightning to strike at midnight, Yes, and
we splashed the water on ourselves. We ended getting electrocuted.
It was well, well, well, if it isn't chef out
(46:06):
here past midnight looking for the good stuff, are you? Look?
I got a table that's waiting. You know, if they've
they've been there for a few hours now. I promised
them grilled rattlesnake. I've I've looked at every exotic food
dealer in town. Okay, you gotta help me out. You
promise them rattlesnake. Now, how can you make a promise
(46:27):
like that? Keep a promise like that? Chef? Look, we're
in America, right, Rattle rattle snakes a relatively common snake. Yeah,
but every everybody in town is dry. They're dry all right,
I do something for you, you do something for me.
What is it? Alright? First of all, I give you
three of the most juiciest rattlesnakes I got. Okay, yes, yes, okay, okay,
(46:52):
what do you need? You kill my stepson? O? God,
not again, Oh God, not again, Daddy, Daddy, I made
you his car. This is adorable. Yeah, that one? All right?
God bring bring three of the juiciest ones we got.
Oh god, Hey, guys, I'm just really nervous. I see
(47:17):
you guys trying to maybe buy us or something, and um,
I know we're the four biggest, fattest juiciest rattle snakes.
And he kept saying three. So I'm worried one of
us is going to get left out, you know what
I mean, it's gonna be It's gonna be me. I'm out.
I'm out. I'm definitely out. Hey, don't think you're around
(47:37):
beauty by Oh yeah, it might be Grandma. She's diseased
as hell. I forgot about her. I don't even have
the fucking rattle anymore. Yeah, I mean I can go
with my mouth, that works, right. Yeah, But Timothy also
(47:59):
just as a cough. I just realized too Okay, I
see what you mean. These three look good. That one
no fucking way. Okay, all right, there you are as
you take him? And hey, take this clean twenty two. Okay,
(48:23):
it's got no serial number. I gotta ask, why do
you want to kill your stepson? He doesn't. The kid
doesn't let me sleep. Huh. WHOA you call your stepdad dad?
I call my stepdad Stephen because I want him to
know that he ain't ever gonna break this boundary. I
(48:45):
hear that, But I also understand that he's taken all
the responsibility to be my father, failed the void that
my biological dad left, and I know that my biological
that's got a lot of issues, and maybe responsibility of
taking care of it other life was something that just
scared him into lies in those other life choices wrong.
So I can't really, you know, blame him. But I
also understand that my stuff that he works hard. He
(49:07):
says all these funny almost holies people, and I just
want to help him and let him know that you
talk too much. See see you one rock to rock
pret rocks or rock five rocks. Oh nothing. I'm just
thinking about when my dad comes over and I can say, hey, dad,
(49:29):
So bye? What was that? Smells delicious? All right, darling,
smells good, smells good. I've never smelled anything like this.
Just to just take a bite, just tip bite into
the fight end of the thing. Oh god, oh god,
(49:49):
that's done. Some ship. Please please just just try the rattlesnake. Okay, honestly,
can't even put it in my mouth while you're star
at me crying, sir, I've lost it totally. Are you
instagramming this as well? I mean yeah, that's literally that's
(50:10):
our job, all right. At least dagg me on the post. Okay, okay,
I'll tag you. But it was supposed to be one shot.
That kid was strong, Okay, I thought, do you do
you mean the rattle? Are you calling the rattles snakes?
(50:33):
The rattlesnakes are like your kids? You mean? Either way,
it's sucked up. That kid looks so much like me
to it was, it was like she was my own. Okay, Um,
can we get the check? Please eat the rattlesnake? So
no dessert for you, folks. No. I think we're I
(50:57):
think we're good. I think we're gone. I think we're
all down here. Yeah, did you get what you wanted.
You heard what happened to Don Shula's restaurant. What happened
they shut it down. There's just a whole bunch of
bodies or something in the back freezer or something that
it was just like where didn't shut it down for
(51:17):
the incredibly bland, shitty food that they've had for decades. No,
it was the bodies that found in me the freezer.
That's a great news story you got there, Steve. What
the hell? Man? In my sixty minutes here, I'm just
telling you what I read. Alright, forgot six did right?
Don Shula is closed? This man, all of them are
(51:41):
just the one that you go to. You know what, Man,
ever since your wife died and you decided not to retire,
you've been an asshole at every poker game, an asshole
what every every anything. We hang out. It's just like,
I'm sure you got a point that goes at all. Look,
we all deal with loss and ship, but you know
what more important, man, you gotta handle yourself, dude, because
you're spiraling. You're raveling in a way that's I don't Yeah,
(52:02):
you're you're on the button for him. Oh god, all right,
what is it? What is it? What do you want
me to know? You're on the button? You're on, But
that's it? What do you mean that's it? I'm last
to act. I'm on the button. I'm taking my time.
(52:23):
I get your turn. That's what we're saying. Yeah, I know,
that's why I'm not doing nothing. Ready, I'm gonna raise
this much. Oh come on, put your shirt down, Put
your shirt down, all right, I don't have just three
(52:46):
How do you like me? Now? You know what? I'm out,
I'm out, I fold, I'm out, doctor dright, this is
an emergency room. It is I hope. So I needed
to be. This is my wife, I mean, my fiance,
my god friend. She's just calm down, calm down, calm
down to me. Okay, okay, So she's beautiful, right. I
know she's got boma coming out of at this very moment,
(53:07):
but typically in general she's beautiful. And she has this
thing she doesn't eat the same food twice, and so
we kind of pushed the boundaries, and tonight we went
really really far and we went to okay, okay, fine, fine, fie,
I just have I have an EpiPen. I just need
to give her an EpiPen. No, no, no no, no, no, no,
she doesn't need that. She doesn't she's already had that before.
She needs something that's never she's never been treated. I
have the generic EpiPen. Oh ship, I don't know. Can
(53:29):
you tell if she's had it before? About I'm here
at the air because I rolled my ankle. It's not
too bad, but I just like the air in here.
I'm a healer. I'd be happy to take a look
at yours. Never done that, She's never done this woman.
I'm letting you know if you do not administer some
sort of aggressive steroid to your wife, she is going
to die in the next five you hear that. What
(53:50):
do you have to say? I say steroids are unnatural
and that should okay, let's go with you. Let's go
with you. Are you healer mateo dot com? I am,
oh wow? Do you want an autograph or something? Or no? No,
I thought you guys need to let this guy go through.
He can help your wife or your girlfriend or your fiance,
whoever she is. What do you guys talking? This is
(54:13):
not like a little you know, a group where we
all give our opinions. This is an emergency room. And
I am a doctor, and I hate to say, I
know she's I was about to. I guess I just
thought that heaven was going to be a little bit
different thinking. I thought I'd be upset about seeing my
fiance like heartbroken. But actually what I'm most upset about
(54:34):
is after they ripped off that fake chef's hat, like
half of his fucking scalp came off. Oh my god,
you got time to mind. Hurry, we better keep finding
Come on, God, these are so heavy. Yeah, you talk
a lot. I talk a lot, but you really talk
(54:54):
a lot. Yeah, you are bothering me. What do you
want of your father would like a couple of words.
So why did he come in here? Why did he
send this little dumb, little butt hole to me? Right,
he's gonna leave his throne to give you a message. God,
shut the funk up, Dad, daddy. All right, I'm sorry.
(55:17):
I was told Jacob came and told me you wanted
to talk to me. I don't have anything to say
to you. I was just trying to jerk off of
my cloud. Yeah, it's about that. Stop jerking. Stop jerking
off into the clouds. It's it's causing it's causing hurricanes. Okay,
(55:39):
it's been a particularly bad profitical storm season O. Can
you fix that? Yeah? I can't. I'm done. I thought
I delegated some authority to you. I heard that we're
actually mining crystallized pieces of Jesus's come. That's what I heard.
(56:00):
I heard. Just shut up. Just think. I heard that
the cloud, that the picture in the cloud like a diamond.
You know, how makes the hold into a diamond. Pressure
makes his chs into these beautiful gens. You're going to
get sent to Pasadena if you don't shut the funk up.
Get my vote? Is selling his chests? What, honey? Wonder
(56:27):
what it would be like not crystallized? What I need?
I know what it's like crystallized, but I don't know
what it's like as a judge. Can I switch? No? No, no, no, no, please.
I don't want to be stuck with that kid again.
He's so talkative and young, too young. I hate children. God,
(56:50):
your four o'clock is here. If you're done with your son,
your four o'clock is here. Okay, Hi, I have something
really important to talk to you about. I've been waiting
for a very very long time. Thank you for seeing me.
Are these for everybody? I love being? And Eminem's so good.
Even about putting some pretzels in this, maybe some raisins.
(57:13):
So about where to begin? Where to begin? Where to begin? Um?
I have a pitch for you, an idea. Okay, we um.
So I managed the line, the mind line, right where
everyone's mind mining. I managed that. I oversee that section
of the clouds of heaven, so to speak. Uh, And
(57:34):
I overheard one of the work we're talking about what
Jesus is jitz might look like, not crystallized in its
purest form. And I had the idea. I did that too.
I say oh, And then I say my name. I'm like, oh, Terry,
and I'm like what So anyway, um, what do you
think about a section a slab of heaven that just
(57:57):
produces um, you know, his his. The less I have
to think and talk about this, the better. Okay, to
be honest with you, okay, okay. And then I oh, sorry,
my my voice modulated. My voice modulator just went off.
Wait a second, Jesse Crumpton, Jon, that's our show for tonight,
(58:23):
that is our show man. I want to thank all
the alchemists. Caroline Connor, thank you so much for coming back.
Thank you. Jenny place In particularly like to point folks.
I guess my Instagram cotter poop, but I deleted it
from my phone, so now I just access it by
the web browser on my phone instead of the app
(58:48):
and TikTok. I don't have one, but send me TikTok's
all right, thank you for being here. You're welcome, you too, Jackie,
thank you so damn much. Thank you. Happy to be
Please come back and see us soon, Okay, Craig Kakowski,
thanks good man. I understand. Craig's List is back for
(59:08):
a special month. Yeah, we're calling it Craigslist Spookey Times
with ten oh's uh and my wife Carl and I
are watching thirty one Halloween or horror movies in the
thirty one days of October, and we're podcasting about it.
So Craigslist pea cast on Twitter, uh, and then all
your favorite podcast sites SoundCloud, iTunes, what have you. We're
(59:33):
on there, so please subscribe and listeners talk about scary movies.
Can't wait, super excited. Thank you for that. Chris Alvarado,
thank you, thank you. I just want to share a
quick text I got from the car dealership about my
brand new car. It says good news, car won't start.
What an upbeat person who literally says that. Yeah, So
(59:55):
I just want to share that with everybody at Krissavardo,
you know, all over the place. I'm coming at you hard,
thank huh, and joe You're well, you're coming out of soft.
There's anything you'd like folks to know? Yes, the Heat
are gonna win. And as you're listening to this, we're
celebrating our fucking fourth championship. Uh so that's it. That's
all you gotta know. Did you bind the team? What
(01:00:17):
do you mean? We? Yes, yes, we are. Owner Jackie
and I are congratulations, Thank you incredibly exactly. I think
it's important to ask who's the bigger fan between Jackie
and Joey Jackie Jackie, Jackie has Jackie has a lot
more fire and soul about Yes, I get I get
(01:00:37):
upset and I want to take my time away from them.
I'm like, you know, but Jackie will just she's die hard.
She's like, I don't know if anyone else remembers this.
I think it was the uh what was the twenty
eleven All right, let's thank our engineering police of the stars,
Mr Doug ban verifying folks that I heart media. I'm
(01:00:57):
host Kevin Pollack mind you to please be kind to
each other. Wear masks when you go outdoors until next time.
Well, come back to another episode of Alchemy is COVID nineteen. Addition,
I'm your host, Kevin probably has that Kevin pol Well,
if you bide the number of times I've said we're
fucked by the days of the week and then subscribed
Tuesday because that's to day. I gotta just kept pace.
I mean what you get. But I digress. Let's meet
our Alchemy shower in a particular to say to Caroline, yea, run,
(00:27):
don't run, don't What have you learned since the last
time you were with us? Um that I'm a lot
I pretend or I really thought I was like I
really I thought I was like chill and easy going,
and I actually learned that I'm like a tight as
(00:49):
bitch in a bad way, in a bad way, and
by fucking driving across the country with one other person.
And what a great way to find out. That's the
best way possible to find out. And did you find
out from the people you met along the way or
(01:10):
the other person you were with? Well, I really had
to come to Jesus whatever you want to call a moment,
you know, just because it kept happening. And then I
talked to these people, the person I traveled with and
my friends and family, and I'm like, you know what,
I think this is crazy. You might not believe me,
but I think I'm like really anal and kind of difficult.
And all of them were like, yeah, that's like the
(01:32):
number one thing about you. We've all been saying that
for years. That was the feedback. Wow. Yeah, well, bless
them for keeping it to themselves and letting you find
it on your own. God bless yeah. Well, let's Jesus
and God thank you for joining us. Also today, uh wait,
(01:53):
there's jacket Ruthy Jack got got got got got you
ought to know by now, please share anything from a
Halloween costume, incident, incident. I'll just share my favorite Halloween costume,
whether it was an incident, and I guess I can
think of an incident. But I'm dressed as weird Al Yankovic,
(02:16):
and um, it's scary how much I look like him.
It's uncanny, it's amazing. I didn't know until I did it,
and I didn't know until you said that, But that's
all I see now. It's it's so true. And then
two years later I saw him and I did say something. Um,
we were at the movies and I had to cross
(02:37):
in front of him to get to my seat, and
I said, Mr Yankovic, a huge fan, such a pussure
to meet you. You do look a lot like you,
and I dressed up as you in my heart. Like.
The first thing my husband said to me the first
time we ever hung out was like you could you
could actually do a really good weird awl. And I said,
I'm going to marry this man. Holy shit. Yeah, my
(03:01):
hats off to anyone on a first date who says
you look like a questionably attractive man. He knew who
he was dealing with, and that I would say, the
best gift you've ever given me, and it was that
is fucking phenomenal on all levels. And I thank you
for your candor. Ladies. Here's Chris Overado boo to my
(03:25):
boo named two birds that are flightless? Please and which
is your favorite ostrich? EMU, I don't know how you
pronounce that. Um, you're close enough. Um. I to the
Ostrich because I mean, I guess that's not your favorite.
Though not my favorite. I'll say Ostrich because I have
experience with them. Because for those of you who may
(03:46):
or may not know, I grew up in a rocky childhood.
My mother was a career criminal, and at one point
she was actually she actually went to jail for what
we'd like to joke around in our family as for
going to jump a grand theft bird. She was dealing
and selling ostridge and other exotic animals to undercover FBI agents,
so she didn't know that obviously at the time. This
(04:07):
is all very true. So because of that, I got
to mess around in an ostrich farm for a while.
Did you ride on? Uh No, No, No, they were
too small. They were too small. Um, that's that if
I made it for one second, Caroline, I want to
say something really quick. When I when I first started
going to therapy, my therapist told me that I had
suffered from some self self loathing issues. And I told
(04:29):
my improv team that I was coaching, and they all
looked at me and they went, yeah, I didn't know
that everyone. I didn't know that everyone knew that I
hated myself. So I relate to your story I had.
I told them it's like, this is what my therapist said.
They were like totally. And then to Jackie, Jackie, your
what was the video you just did recently where you
were weird out as I did like a gal Gado
(04:51):
singing again for the Core in Core, everybody has to
go go to her instagram and see this. It is weird.
All doesn't make an appearance. It's my favorite part. It's
so good. I have to use my time to say that.
Go to Jackie's Instagram. Watch this video. It's so good,
and then you'll see the weird al part and it's perfect. Okay,
I said too much, no, no, thank you, and I
can't believe you drove past the Ostrich stealing ring with
(05:16):
even better story. Holy craft. That was a never ending
gift we're gonna have. And now I must move on
to Craigkowski. Uh, time of year, you're thinking about putting
out the decorations. Which decoration? Sure, I don't put out
(05:40):
decorations for anything that's flag on the patriotic patriotic holidays. No,
I don't want anybody trick or tree to get my house,
so I don't want to look I don't want to
look like anybody's home. Right. Um, I guess I'm kind
of into Christmas, but but nothing other than maybe a
tree in side. We put out a an artificial tree
(06:03):
that's about a foot and a half high. Wow, what
a commitment. Yeah, we really, we really care. And I'm
curious as to what my character flaw is that everybody
obviously knows about it, but it's not telling me. Are
are you curious because we could tell you it's it
seems like the theme is find it on your own.
Let's do it at the end of the episode. Okay,
(06:26):
it's fair and speaking of last last but cocka doodle,
don't if you think of least it's Joey Greer Keith.
Do you remember ever trying super hard to stay up
late when you were a kid. Yes, can we move on? Okay,
(06:53):
first of all, I'm gonna post this video for our
patron v i p s. But all of our listeners,
which is the majority, cannot see the ridiculous visual you're
putting up in the zoom. So they just heard you
answer me with that's it. That's all they got. Oh,
(07:20):
let's do a damn show all of our scene suggestions
to gather from your listener emails or from our patron
v i ps. To become a patron supporter of the
show and enjoy exclusive content like video drops of these
here gatherings, just head on over to Patreon dot com
slash alchemy this. If you'd like to submit a scene
suggestion via email, however, please please. I enjoy reading them
(07:41):
all and responding to as many as I can. Please
write to the podcast at your name here at alchemy
this dot com. That's your name here Alchemy See one
comes from Patron. V I p Oystein. That's O Y
S T E. I N anyone want to help me?
But that's right? Who wrote? Hey? Writing in as a
(08:06):
smoking fresh v I p Patreon member. I've been yeah right,
I've been listening from the start, and you guys already
helped me through too wet and dark winters over here
on the Norwegian It's not necessarily bad, but on that one, yeah,
(08:27):
over here on the Norwegian coast, it really is great
to have an instant escape in two hours of fun
and madness. And at this point I don't even get
awkward laughing in public anymore. You are the first thought
podcast I ever supported on Patreon, mostly because no one
else ever asked for my money. It's definitely the best
(08:50):
pent money one month in a row. Now, though I've
tried time and again to get my girlfriend to listen,
but she always listened at the most crazy moments and
it gets to be too much. I love it though,
scene suggestion a man without purpose in life. This is
(09:11):
perfect for today. Goes shopping. You all bring something different
to the table. I love you all. Also love the
live hangs hold the door oisting attention all shoppers. There
is a sale at Don's Shoes corouse. Hey, whoa buddy,
(09:36):
where's the fire sales? Don't Shoes? Oh, let's go hire
you too? Would you like some shoes? Are Are you okay?
(09:59):
Hey Mark, I'm look at the camera Shore. It looks
like there's some crazy ship going down in front of
don Shoes. Should we I don't know, Maybe send somebody
over there to check it out or break some of
this stuff up for your friend of Don's Shoes. I
mean that place hasn't got business in years. Yeah. Good.
Don's grandfather then with the mall. That's the only reason
(10:23):
they let him keep a store front. No, I don't know,
I just I'm looking at him, just looking at the
camera Shore. Things are going pretty nuts over It looks
like some so much have an artitect that I don't know. Hey,
you guys, I'm putting in a lunch orders today. I'm
ordering from Blimpy Subs. So again again, I've only ordered
(10:46):
there since it started a year every day. Let's get
a part. Let's get a party sub for for the
whole crew, for the three of us. Yeah, where the
whole crew? I mean anything we can't finish, I'll take home. Okay,
what is it? So what I want to take some home? Maybe?
Well he claimed it first, so he's going to get
the rest of the party sub. Okay, one party sub
for the three Okay, Hey, what's up? Um? Hi? Um?
(11:16):
You don't you don't know me? Um um. So I
was shopping. I was shopping this afternoon. I was there
was a sale at Don's Shoes, and this lovely woman
who was obviously into sales as much as I was.
I believe that woman is your wife. I went through
her purse as she went down. She's dead. Okay, let
(11:40):
me back up three points. Yeah, you think she's my wife?
You went through her purse and oh, by the way,
she's dead. Yeah is that what you're saying? Yes, sir? Okay,
So give me a moment because I can't believe. I
can't believe out. I just hold on. What is your name?
(12:04):
Who knows? Right? You know him a cop, right, because
I gotta tell you, how would I ever know that
the game or what? Hold on a second, Uh, my
name is nobody, Jimmy. Yeah, go fund yourself the fun.
(12:26):
I have to say. I thought Heaven was gonna be
a little more fun. But I'm up here watching my
husband not give a hoot. Died you just shut up
in mind? Okay, will you shut up in mind? If
she just comes over here and she's just not working.
We're funky arms. They're so sore. How much they can
(12:49):
tell it's supposed to be quiet over there? Stomake me
come hort, shoot shot? How long have you been here?
Hey guys, Hey guys, guys, it's me Jesus. I'm sorry
I yelled before. I just set off the one dog
(13:11):
that lives in heaven up here, he's bar he's going crazy.
The other room bargain. Oh, I thought went to heaven only.
This is only one. The rest of them are asholes,
disappointment at every turn. You guys need to keep it down. Okay.
Do you know what I had to do when I
was alive dot Well, when we had to I had
(13:34):
to do it. My daddy told me, and I listened
to my daddy. I did not choose. My daddy told me.
I do what my daddy tells. Of course I had to,
So yeah, I had to do that, crucified whatever. So
if you guys could just shut the funk up while
I'm trying to take a damn nap and just keep
mining the clouds, I would really appreciate it. Okay, I
(13:56):
can just um go now, Sarah. I just felt an
action to your wife in that moment, and that's yeah,
probably best if you didn't go just yet. I have
a few more questions. Seeing how you're the first, You're
gonna better. You're gonna pass my person. I'm hearing about that.
My wife is jed Jimmy, I will rip off your
head and diarrhean down your neck. Jesus man. So my
(14:22):
name is nobody, give me a middle name? How about that? Uh? See,
thank you. I need to call you something. See Uh.
I was getting ready to retire from the force, and
I said to my captain, just shure of my wife
being killed, there's no way I'm staying on the job.
(14:42):
So this is hitting me on a couple of different levels.
If you follow me, do you know how she died? Yes? Yes,
please tell me she was some would say overly excited,
but just to me, a normal amount of excite. You
two having sex, No, sir, No, I haven't. I've never
had sex. Look at the table that one. She was
(15:05):
overly excited about what shoes? And then somebody shot her.
No sir, she was throwing elbows like a mad woman.
But again right, and then I think the excitement got
to her and her heart stopped. Her heart gave up. Yeah,
Oh wow, look I'm gonna go for a long walk.
(15:28):
Now that's fair. That's fair. Okay, everyone, thank you for
coming to uh, you know, our annual meeting of potum
people who are waiting until marriage. Um, and uh you know,
we're all waiting until marriage to have sex. And even
even in marriage, we don't have to have sex because
we want to be pure for heaven. Right, So thank
(15:52):
you for coming in. It's good to see everybody here.
It's good to see everybody here. Okay, okay, and so
let's just um, you know, let's let's have this opportunity
to mingle jingle, and uh you know, we're waiting until marriage,
and even if we get married, we don't have to
and we shouldn't there. You know we shouldn't. I hate
(16:12):
my body. I hate my body, so uh, let's um,
let's just make sure that it's all pure. Okay, everything's pure.
Ask how you how you arrived at the acronym pottom. Well,
it's people who are wait until marriage. I mean, I
understand it's the first letter of the full name of
the group, but I think if you change the name
(16:33):
of the group, you might have a better acronym. Okay,
I hear that. What What are your thoughts? What are
your thoughts on that? There's a lot of people, there's
a lot of Okay, yeah, yeah, let's let's keep it pure.
I thought that this group was like a poor autumn group,
poor autumn bottom, what's my understanding of it? So that's
(16:58):
why I came here, because they assumed it was for
people who want to celebrate autumn who also happened to
identify as poor. I also have never had sex, and
I'm down to wait till marriage. If this is just
like a kind of happy coincidence, so yeah, well, then
yet you're in the right place, all right. I thought
it was people who are waiting for trademarks because I
have a I have a patent, out. I know that's
(17:22):
a different thing, but I'm just hoping again. I'm hoping
to get a trademark on my patent. So I invented
a a thing that that taps into honey, have you
had sex? That's seen one one? Oh, My thing is
(17:46):
tapped in to your honey. See two. Comes from Mateo,
who wrote, Hey, I'll can ask you guys give me
constant life throughout my day, laughing out loud, making weird
faces to myself anyone else who might be watching. You've
struck comedy gold with this podcast. Who had an agent
tell me that once may you never ever stopped recording.
(18:08):
I'm a healer and often work with people who come
to me seeking wellness and a genuine improvement in their lives,
yet they have real fear and resistance to their own healing.
My scene suggestion is simply that some form of spiritual
healer who was caught in the midst of a day
of defiance. Love you all come and see me sometime
(18:33):
for healing Love Matteo. And then he gave a website
a link Should I share that? I mean it could
help someone. It's just healer Matteo dot com. Oh, Chris
Dash over. Uh seriously though parenthetically, he adds, any of
(18:56):
you would like to come to see me, uh for us,
and I'm happy to offer you a great disk. I mean,
it just went a little sideways on a pitch. Um, Actually,
go for it, Go for it. I'm sorry. I was
(19:18):
actually recommended to you by a friend. She said that
you got rid of all of her bloating. She would
recommended to me. Yeah, I was recommended to you by
my friend. I was recommended to you by a friend
who who recommended she, like Casey, recommended me to you. Right,
whatever doesn't matter, Okay, So what's going on? I think
(19:39):
it actually really does matter to me because I have
burned a lot of bridges in my life. So I
just want to make sure that the recommendations clean. You know. Yeah,
great fire starter. Okay, cool? So what do you want
you want me to forgive you for something? Just go
let's just go into the room. Let's just go into
the room real quick. And okay, oy, actually keep your
(20:00):
shoes on. Jesus, Chris, welcome to the room. Please put
this robe on, remove any makeup, put this white. Okay,
thank you, please. You have a lot of making It
doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Let's just get to it.
Let's just go okay, okay, great, okay, all right, So
(20:20):
what's up? What's you want to Ricky? We want to
want me to Ricky your ass or something or what's up?
I mean, honestly, I have a lot of physical ailments.
Obviously you saw the tip of the iceberg with my feet,
but I actually wanted to to work a little more
on like my daddy issues, Like I ate him, um,
but at the same time I feel bad, do you
(20:43):
know what you mean? Like I feel bad for him,
like for the state of his humanity. Yeah, okay, so
let's get to it. So um okay, um uh. You're
peanuts in its fine, flee allergic, It's fine, okays, just
(21:04):
having them in the room. It's just it's flaring at nor.
You have an eppy pen in here. You have an
EPI pen in your purse. I never gary eppy pens.
Let me tell you right now, good, those are reason
we don't want that in your body. All right, Lucas,
can we get the rattlesnake and have this rattle snake?
(21:26):
You're saying my daughter died during routine reiky, Sir, you
don't need to have your identity. This is not related
to to my daughter's job. I'm doing. I'm doing an
interview with sixty minutes and on separatedition, I'm doing it
(21:52):
in sixty minutes on the superdition. And they told me
they we're shooting at six o'clock tonight, but they told
me I had to do the sponsible bad. So I'm so,
I'm just UM. And we've heard a lot from a
lot of people, UM who loved our beautiful daughter. UM.
And I think the one who loved her the most,
(22:13):
who had the most strenuous relationship with her, is her father.
So he's the last to speak at the funeral. So UM,
please come on up here, UM ted Sorry, UM, I've
asked the three of you to stop that before. Please
do not clap at my daughter's funeral. It seems good
to see everyone and you see all new faces. UM.
(22:37):
Correct the cameras off, the interview is done. That that
change the voice. But I just don't understand. I'm I'm
watching my own funeral and my dad can't even use
his real fucking voice. How can I trust that his
emotions are real? Just shut up in mind, Shut up
(22:59):
in mind? Know UM? So thank you. You are the
parents of the deceased. I was the attendant who was
working um at the healing house. Now I have some
good news for you. He's here the healer and what
way and that that's the good news. Let me just
cut you out there. That's the good news. He doesn't
(23:20):
believe your daughter is actually dead, he says, in his words,
she's more alive than ever. So if you could just
take your makeup off, these are some makeup, white scare
both of you. Please take that makeup off site for everyone. Yeah,
and I have sixteen minutes makeup on still, and I
(23:43):
think I just like the way it looks. It doesn't
and he did it on me too, and honestly it
looks good. Well here he is. Hey, guys, Hey, what
kind of what kind of healer? Someone you know? Someone
who wants to heal completely? Okay, well, obviously that's not working.
(24:05):
You killed our daughter and you will not give the
body back to us. Okay, this question, what was the
last time you two in the same room together? The
funeral of our daughter yesterday and then before that, it's
been years with no body. It wasn't nobody, nobody. There
were people at the funeral, but there was nobody's It
(24:27):
was the crowd was too enthusiastic for my for what
I consider people love. People loved, they wanted to they
wanted to celebrate her life. It isn't a sad time
boohoo event. Right, yes, it is. You killed our daughter. Now,
before we get into this, let's just stop saying I
killed her, because that's that's I don't do that. Okay,
(24:50):
let you try. No, I'm not. I'm going to sell
you a line of new age good ship. So oh,
I want you both to say, take off your shoes
and wrap your feet around each other so your toes
in a lock. When is the last time you cut
(25:12):
your toe nails? I'm gonna be honest, it's been a while.
That's where sixty minutes wanted to talk to me, Leslie
Stone was doing. Leslie, thanks for coming in. I just
saw the breakdown of your story for this week, and
apparently with extremely long ton nails. Yeah right right, So
(25:34):
you know this isn't like a Ripley's, believe it or not,
the kind of show. You've been here a long time
and I'm just curious what happened. I don't know if
you've ever been to Ripley's believe it or not, but there,
it's a lot of faked things and this is one
real and that's why this is breaking news. There's nothing
fake about this man's curly tonails. Okay, so you think
(25:57):
folks that watched this show for thirty two years are
going to be fascinated as you are with this man's
long toe nails. Well, here's why I think that it's very,
very fascinating. Normally, when you have such long, curly tone nails,
you cannot wear an enclosed shoe. And yet this man
doesn't own a sandal. He's wearing boots always, and that's
(26:21):
one thing that's fascinating. Butting Hello, Hi, Yeah, is this
sixty minutes? This is this is specifically miss stole your piece? Uh?
Did it air yet? Are yet? Honestly, I have a piece.
(26:46):
So I'm an EmPATH and and I'm a psychic, and
I just know that I know you have a special
piece coming. Give me one more. Let me just put
you on speaker phone right now. Okay, ere's open speaker
phone on. Give it to me. Um. The speaker is
actually working great, So but you could if you could
(27:07):
get closer you were before closer to your mic and
speaking normal. I prefer that than further and yelling. So
can you hear me? Yea, we can both hear you.
What's your name? I want my I'm an EmPATH and psychic,
and I just want to say I know your work.
I know your work. I have to go Okay, well, uh,
(27:30):
high healer, I know. I know you're scheduled. You're packed today,
the books are packed. Um, I wanted to go over
a couple of business items with you before we get
to your next person, next healing session. So you wanted
to just just be healer Matteo dot com? Is that right? Yeah?
(27:52):
That's right? Okay, Um do I need Do you think
I need more than that? Well? The problem is there's
a and you know this. I don't have to tell
you this. There's a much more popular and famous healer
also named Matteo. He's the one that killed the girl
last week. So it's kind of weird. How about not
that Mateo dot com. What do you think that's funny?
(28:14):
Because that's funny too, not that Matteo dot com. Right,
And also we're making light of the whole death thing.
That's funny, not not that. I'm so sorry to interrupt.
I just him next, I have the next appointment, and
but that's also my website right now, not that matteo
dot com. Well, well that's helpful, thank you, you know,
(28:35):
and I need to kind of get healed, kind of
a sap. So if you guys, yeah, yeah, okay, okay, okay, okay,
you know what, I'll put a p I mean I
could help you. I'm sure, yeah, I mean an appointment
with you? Is your next appointment rights out perfectly? It's
two you know what, Now I'm going to the other guy.
(28:56):
Never mind, I'm going to the other guy. So the
other guy. This is why I wanted. They're saying the
loss of a child can be one of the most
traumatic things for a marriage to deal with. But can
you talk a little bit more about your tone nails
and how that's affected your marriage. First of all, it's
(29:16):
just really hard to get them in my boots because there,
you know, each tonnail there's is upwards of three ft long. Um,
they do curl around a bit. So this is the
studio we're having video and audio issues. His real voice
(29:36):
and his identity will be revealed in the next five
seconds unless you cut away four three in the next
five seconds. Keep talking. Where is this? Is this going
out live? By the way, Oh we're live? Um, well, Jesus, Now,
everybody fucking knows who I am. I mean everyone in
(30:01):
the studio. Everyone studio. You knew who he was. It's
Jesse Crumpton. I know him. Yeah, Jesse Crumpton. Can we
at least agree that it was a good story until
his freaky identity was woe? I don't know, just I
need you to pay the bill, okay, please, I please
(30:21):
just pay the bill so I can go. I don't worry.
I'll tip you well one coffee. I'm gonna tip you
with twenty. But I just want to get your opinion
as of the more about the close please, I just
want to go home. It was fine. I loved it.
It was great, Okay, great, Okay, great? Then honestly, um,
(30:43):
thank you, thank you for the coffee, thank you for
your service, and thanks for the coffee. Okay for the coffee. Yeah.
I think that's Leslie Stall with the Holy crap from
the sixties show. Yeah, yeah, she's on the Close Circuit
TV right out. That's that's something. She's right side side
of darns shoes. Maybe we picture a new show stall
(31:04):
at the mall. Yeah. I didn't even mean that to
be a rhyming thing, but now you know it's pretty catchy.
I mean, how much longer can that show last? That's
sixty minutes? I mean, look, just that was that was
always the deal on that show, even lest this long.
This show. This week, we're gonna talk to this guy
(31:25):
who doesn't want us to tell everybody everything. They say.
It's sixty minutes, so it's gotta last exactly that long, right,
But any of those stories really worth it? Damn? This
week we talked to this guy that you don't know
really but we do. Yeah, how is that a thing?
I mean, they got that twenty four hour or sixty
(31:46):
minutes hotline that anybody can call and pitch stories. So
it's a wonder things. There's not better, better things out there. People, Hello,
sixty minutes hotline? How can I help you? What's your
story idea? Really good story idea? I'm sorry you need
(32:07):
to take off any sort of voice modification or wacky thing?
Is it me? Come in you as I am with
great ideas, great ideas for stories, ideas for different chocolates.
Even think about a chocolate that has bread, souls, raisins,
and peanuts in it. I don't want. Actually, yeah I
(32:29):
have that. Actually sounds of like a tasty little morsel.
So here's my story. Pitch. Okay, Don Shoes and well
Don shoots right, Don Shoes, I've never heard of that.
It's a very popular shoe store in this one mom
in the Synchristi one mall. It's over on fourteen and Wilson.
(32:54):
It's the best shoes store that's been there for years
grandfather in But not a lot of people know about it.
So what if we rebranded it to Dawn's Shoes, l
A and traps the people who are huge fans of
Don shula a pitch for the Don. Yes, that's what
(33:16):
I was gonna say. It sounds like you're rebrand you
want to. We can't really do a story on sixty
minutes about rebranding. Alright, sixty minutes. Uh, phone operators, give
us your best names, your best Okay, we're talking about Okay,
we have to union eze. We are being oppressed by
(33:39):
by by everyone at six months. You have any ideas
that are worthy of the show or not. I had
one guy calling and say that he can bowl a
perfect game at will. I like that anybody else that
someone came do with something else but had a really
good snack idea for chocolates, and I'm listening to something
with that, just maybe for like our next holiday lunch
(34:02):
chocolate pretzel. I think raisin kind of thing seems good.
And did you try this? No? She just or it.
I don't really know what was happening on the other
end line, but no, I didn't try it. Stop the presses.
This is the story. This is the story. It's a TV.
(34:23):
It's everybody, stop, stop the presses, stop press go go
here's your boarding pass. Go to it. Find out more
about this chocolate. I think that from the location I
got on the phone, Wow, first class. Yeah, let me
just show you. Thank you, And it's kind of I
don't think I'm in need a boarding pass. The person
I spoke to was in Los Angeles, and I'm in
(34:45):
Los Angeles, but I have to take it just for
my boss. So interesting is you're gonna wear a mask? Sorry, sorry,
she's gonna wear a mask. I don't believe in that,
right from Okay, you're gonna have to wear masks? Or
I thought the airline is very strict about this. We
have very searched about that. And if you don't mean
you're gonna have to fight in the octagon, this is
(35:06):
gonna be great, fine in the octagon of the plane. Yeah,
I'll tell you it's very hard for me to fight
because I probably have contracted him and spreading COVID nineteen.
I'm gonna suck you up? Is that what you're saying.
We've got a we've got clear skies ahead for a
(35:26):
nice five minute flight from Los Angeles to the Los
Angeles today, just so you know, the octagon is open
to settle any beefs you may have with any other
passengers and sit back and enjoy a nice Okay, I'm ready.
No one's no one believes you, no one's coming here.
(35:49):
I can't pitch it to the company. I have to
pitch it to sixty minutes because they're never gonna like
a thing like me. Make such big wait. Hold it
right there. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, grandlins. Listen, listen up,
(36:13):
fucking Grandma's listener. You're in hell right now. You're in hell.
That's not true. That's not true. Word Pasadena's that's sucking hell,
man a town. It's quaint to sixty minutes any second,
six tell him, tell him sixty minutes will be your
any moment. And you know, don imagine if you knew him,
(36:37):
wouldn't you want to buy his shoes? What? Oh fucking
that's the doorbell. I've been in sixty minutes, I've been hell, Hello,
(36:59):
oh my, oh my god. It smells disgusting in here.
Hi stench. Most people say it's like a force field shield,
but I'd say, come closer. Um a taste. Okay? What
(37:20):
don't wear pothers? You if the sellf bothers, you just
put on a mask. We're wearing them in hell, just
wearing No, I'm not gonna do. It doesn't sit on
my face. I have a face like a dinner plate.
It slides right off. Um. Okay, So which one of
you pitched the you? You look you sound like the voice?
(37:41):
What not? You that someone pitch a story here to
me about the shoe store. That's not the one I want.
The what I want is the one about the chocolates,
the chocolate idea. Who had the chocolate idea? That was me?
But again, that wasn't a pitch for a story. I
don't want story, okay, sorry, equalifying why my other story
(38:06):
was a really good pitch. You really don't know how
the news works, do you. Okay, people want something tasty,
something sweet, and a snack. And also, my boss is
a fucking idiot, so that's the thing that he wants
to do. So you're gonna come with me back to
l A. I have two boarding passes. Yes, don't leave, Hell,
(38:26):
don't leave. Somebody just leaves and no one left Pasadena
that scene too, My god, see three consorts pat v
I P David the Joho who wrote I have an
(38:46):
idle question and a scene suggestion question. You recently did
a second improv on a scene you've done a few
episodes earlier, the one about Superman having a secret identity.
What's the story? And yes, ahem, that was my scene suggestion.
So I'm either a little bit proud or a little
(39:06):
bit ashamed or both, which is for my tribe, the Jews,
basically what it means to be a little bit proud.
Here's a scene suggests a foodie is proud that he
or she have never eaten the same food twice. Keeping up,
Please keep up the amazing work and stay safe. Love
you all. David w In Boston. Both of you had
(39:29):
a chance to look at the menu. I trust Shall
we start the order? Now? Do you have anything um
special like that's not on the menu? Oh gosh, yes,
I'm sorry, Paul should have read you the specials. Sure, yes, Um,
I can tell you about the specials. For entree, we
have a sausage ravioli in a man she means not
(39:55):
on the menu. Okay, yes, are you familiar with um
the Armadello pie? Yeah, I had that. I think the same.
Antonio an idiot? Okay, fair enough? Is chef here? Uh? Well,
of course? Yeah, the chefs in the back. Did you
want to hear from the show. That's what I'm saying.
(40:18):
I'm sensing you rather I leave the table and go
get the show. You're great? Huh you can be honestly,
if you want to sit down, you can't but you.
But if you'd like to from the chef, Okay, then
I should go back and let him know. I'll be right. Okay, Okay, Tracy,
while he's doing this, will you marry me? Oh my god, yes,
here's your ring. I appreciate it. No, no, no, I
(40:41):
love you. I love you. Oh my god, I'm gonna
call my mom after we do. Okay, did you too,
just still get engaged? Yes, yeah, it's great, that's not
that's not you know. Let me let me get when
the waiter comes back. Let me buy a battle and
we get a bottle of ship. Wait, rich, you can't
afford that, Rich, Why would you offer that. I'm trying
to impress her. Okay, so I want you back to hell?
(41:03):
Are you trying to impress her? You're married to me?
Shut up, I don't want to be Do you think
I'm happy here? Damn? Right now? Right now? The chef
is that right, sir? You're the chef. I'm just another patron.
I mean, I'm just sitting here. It's a funny little
outfit you've got on. Then white count My wife, Egan
(41:29):
he or, she likes to make sure we're all white.
And if I spill anything on my shirt, she can
call it out. And yeah, it's kind of our relationship.
We don't want to talk to you anymore. But yeah,
but um, I personally will take the champagne. Okay, fantastic.
What the fund is the issue? I'm trying to see
us some salmon here? Yeah, sorry, it's just I try
(41:50):
to give him the specials and they said, can we
talk to the chef? So h yeah, I don't. I
don't talk to anybody for ship. Okay, yeah, that guy
in the full chef's toke if he's If he's back again,
let me know because I'm gonna punch his lights out. Lenny,
We've been over this. It's just a couple who claims
they've had everything and everything that they're saying, So what
(42:14):
can I I would like to talk to these people? There?
Go yeah, quick toast. I know where the house is.
Quickt uh. Thank you stranger for buying us this champagne.
It's that couple over there. Thank you, cheers, and please
stop talking to us for the recipe. You are your
(42:34):
band from this place? What are you doing? Rex? Take
off everythingulous? Rich? What are you talking about? Rachel? Should
god wear that? But not even a cord on blue?
Don't wear that anymore? What do you want to do?
What do you want me to say? Look, I'm not
a chef, you're not a chef. This isn't stolen valor. Okay, folks,
(42:56):
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that this man is
bothering you, and I'm sorry you're a relationship with him. Well,
I well, I'm married to him, so thank you. All right,
I'm just saying it's thank you, thank you for for
getting this intruder out of the way. We have a
quick question. Can you make something we haven't had before? Yeah?
(43:22):
We never eat the same thing twice. Gross, you never
eat the same thing twice. So I see you're looking
for something off menu. Yeah, off off menu, kind of
like off off Broadway. I think that's the chef. Let
me ask him, Hey, chef, get some more bread over here?
Of course, Okay, that's that's not the chef, and the chef,
doesn't you know the bus boys provide bread for the table. Okay,
(43:45):
Oh sorry, can you find us a bust boy? Okay?
Have you had have you had grilled rat rattlesnake? I haven't.
I mean I've had grilled cobra, grilled viper girls, python
girls in a kinda grilled um gardner st snake, grilled um.
(44:10):
I already said cobra, Yeah you did, you did? You've
never had grilled rattlesnake. No, no, I don't think that
I have ever had grilled rattlesnake again, grilled cobra, grilled python,
grilled Piper, you never did the same thing twice? Does
that a constriction constrictor oh my god, Egan, that's insane
(44:37):
to like, what are you gonna do? Are you just gonna, like,
I don't know, live here or something like that. Ah,
go ahead. I don't want to speak for you. Um,
I just I'm I too am frustrated about this on
your behalf. But I don't want to speak for you.
I think you understand, like anything that happens to me,
(44:58):
it also happens to my twin, you know what I mean.
So even though she is not married to Rich, she
feels that she called me up the other day after
Rich and I had a fight at the restaurant where
he wouldn't wear all white, and um, she called me.
She's like, oh my god, I'm so upset. Remember that
you were like, did you guys have a fight because
you felt it? Yeah. But again, I don't want to
(45:19):
speak for you. Just because we're twins doesn't mean that
like I get to, but you want to, you can.
I mean, and I know this story, you know, just
kinda like asking like your feelings, you know what I mean,
Like I'm aware of the play by play. Is that
kind of like what I meant and like feelings wise,
I feel like I can't speak for you. Yes, go ahead,
because that I do feel, you know, I feel with you,
(45:41):
but I don't I don't live in your eyeballs. Yes,
And so we tried that before. We tried to make
that like happen, and it hurt and it didn't work. Honestly,
it was so stupid. A fountain in a different fountain,
and then the lightning to strike at midnight, Yes, and
we splashed the water on ourselves. We ended getting electrocuted.
It was well, well, well, if it isn't chef out
(46:06):
here past midnight looking for the good stuff, are you? Look?
I got a table that's waiting. You know, if they've
they've been there for a few hours now. I promised
them grilled rattlesnake. I've I've looked at every exotic food
dealer in town. Okay, you gotta help me out. You
promise them rattlesnake. Now, how can you make a promise
(46:27):
like that? Keep a promise like that? Chef? Look, we're
in America, right, Rattle rattle snakes a relatively common snake. Yeah,
but every everybody in town is dry. They're dry all right,
I do something for you, you do something for me.
What is it? Alright? First of all, I give you
three of the most juiciest rattlesnakes I got. Okay, yes, yes, okay, okay,
(46:52):
what do you need? You kill my stepson? O? God,
not again, Oh God, not again, Daddy, Daddy, I made
you his car. This is adorable. Yeah, that one? All right?
God bring bring three of the juiciest ones we got.
Oh god, Hey, guys, I'm just really nervous. I see
(47:17):
you guys trying to maybe buy us or something, and um,
I know we're the four biggest, fattest juiciest rattle snakes.
And he kept saying three. So I'm worried one of
us is going to get left out, you know what
I mean, it's gonna be It's gonna be me. I'm out.
I'm out. I'm definitely out. Hey, don't think you're around
(47:37):
beauty by Oh yeah, it might be Grandma. She's diseased
as hell. I forgot about her. I don't even have
the fucking rattle anymore. Yeah, I mean I can go
with my mouth, that works, right. Yeah, But Timothy also
(47:59):
just as a cough. I just realized too Okay, I
see what you mean. These three look good. That one
no fucking way. Okay, all right, there you are as
you take him? And hey, take this clean twenty two. Okay,
(48:23):
it's got no serial number. I gotta ask, why do
you want to kill your stepson? He doesn't. The kid
doesn't let me sleep. Huh. WHOA you call your stepdad dad?
I call my stepdad Stephen because I want him to
know that he ain't ever gonna break this boundary. I
(48:45):
hear that, But I also understand that he's taken all
the responsibility to be my father, failed the void that
my biological dad left, and I know that my biological
that's got a lot of issues, and maybe responsibility of
taking care of it other life was something that just
scared him into lies in those other life choices wrong.
So I can't really, you know, blame him. But I
also understand that my stuff that he works hard. He
(49:07):
says all these funny almost holies people, and I just
want to help him and let him know that you
talk too much. See see you one rock to rock
pret rocks or rock five rocks. Oh nothing. I'm just
thinking about when my dad comes over and I can say, hey, dad,
(49:29):
So bye? What was that? Smells delicious? All right, darling,
smells good, smells good. I've never smelled anything like this.
Just to just take a bite, just tip bite into
the fight end of the thing. Oh god, oh god,
(49:49):
that's done. Some ship. Please please just just try the rattlesnake. Okay, honestly,
can't even put it in my mouth while you're star
at me crying, sir, I've lost it totally. Are you
instagramming this as well? I mean yeah, that's literally that's
(50:10):
our job, all right. At least dagg me on the post. Okay, okay,
I'll tag you. But it was supposed to be one shot.
That kid was strong, Okay, I thought, do you do
you mean the rattle? Are you calling the rattles snakes?
(50:33):
The rattlesnakes are like your kids? You mean? Either way,
it's sucked up. That kid looks so much like me
to it was, it was like she was my own. Okay, Um,
can we get the check? Please eat the rattlesnake? So
no dessert for you, folks. No. I think we're I
(50:57):
think we're good. I think we're gone. I think we're
all down here. Yeah, did you get what you wanted.
You heard what happened to Don Shula's restaurant. What happened
they shut it down. There's just a whole bunch of
bodies or something in the back freezer or something that
it was just like where didn't shut it down for
(51:17):
the incredibly bland, shitty food that they've had for decades. No,
it was the bodies that found in me the freezer.
That's a great news story you got there, Steve. What
the hell? Man? In my sixty minutes here, I'm just
telling you what I read. Alright, forgot six did right?
Don Shula is closed? This man, all of them are
(51:41):
just the one that you go to. You know what, Man,
ever since your wife died and you decided not to retire,
you've been an asshole at every poker game, an asshole
what every every anything. We hang out. It's just like,
I'm sure you got a point that goes at all. Look,
we all deal with loss and ship, but you know
what more important, man, you gotta handle yourself, dude, because
you're spiraling. You're raveling in a way that's I don't Yeah,
(52:02):
you're you're on the button for him. Oh god, all right,
what is it? What is it? What do you want
me to know? You're on the button? You're on, But
that's it? What do you mean that's it? I'm last
to act. I'm on the button. I'm taking my time.
(52:23):
I get your turn. That's what we're saying. Yeah, I know,
that's why I'm not doing nothing. Ready, I'm gonna raise
this much. Oh come on, put your shirt down, Put
your shirt down, all right, I don't have just three
(52:46):
How do you like me? Now? You know what? I'm out,
I'm out, I fold, I'm out, doctor dright, this is
an emergency room. It is I hope. So I needed
to be. This is my wife, I mean, my fiance,
my god friend. She's just calm down, calm down, calm
down to me. Okay, okay, So she's beautiful, right. I
know she's got boma coming out of at this very moment,
(53:07):
but typically in general she's beautiful. And she has this
thing she doesn't eat the same food twice, and so
we kind of pushed the boundaries, and tonight we went
really really far and we went to okay, okay, fine, fine, fie,
I just have I have an EpiPen. I just need
to give her an EpiPen. No, no, no no, no, no, no,
she doesn't need that. She doesn't she's already had that before.
She needs something that's never she's never been treated. I
have the generic EpiPen. Oh ship, I don't know. Can
(53:29):
you tell if she's had it before? About I'm here
at the air because I rolled my ankle. It's not
too bad, but I just like the air in here.
I'm a healer. I'd be happy to take a look
at yours. Never done that, She's never done this woman.
I'm letting you know if you do not administer some
sort of aggressive steroid to your wife, she is going
to die in the next five you hear that. What
(53:50):
do you have to say? I say steroids are unnatural
and that should okay, let's go with you. Let's go
with you. Are you healer mateo dot com? I am,
oh wow? Do you want an autograph or something? Or no? No,
I thought you guys need to let this guy go through.
He can help your wife or your girlfriend or your fiance,
whoever she is. What do you guys talking? This is
(54:13):
not like a little you know, a group where we
all give our opinions. This is an emergency room. And
I am a doctor, and I hate to say, I
know she's I was about to. I guess I just
thought that heaven was going to be a little bit
different thinking. I thought I'd be upset about seeing my
fiance like heartbroken. But actually what I'm most upset about
(54:34):
is after they ripped off that fake chef's hat, like
half of his fucking scalp came off. Oh my god,
you got time to mind. Hurry, we better keep finding
Come on, God, these are so heavy. Yeah, you talk
a lot. I talk a lot, but you really talk
(54:54):
a lot. Yeah, you are bothering me. What do you
want of your father would like a couple of words.
So why did he come in here? Why did he
send this little dumb, little butt hole to me? Right,
he's gonna leave his throne to give you a message. God,
shut the funk up, Dad, daddy. All right, I'm sorry.
(55:17):
I was told Jacob came and told me you wanted
to talk to me. I don't have anything to say
to you. I was just trying to jerk off of
my cloud. Yeah, it's about that. Stop jerking. Stop jerking
off into the clouds. It's it's causing it's causing hurricanes. Okay,
(55:39):
it's been a particularly bad profitical storm season O. Can
you fix that? Yeah? I can't. I'm done. I thought
I delegated some authority to you. I heard that we're
actually mining crystallized pieces of Jesus's come. That's what I heard.
(56:00):
I heard. Just shut up. Just think. I heard that
the cloud, that the picture in the cloud like a diamond.
You know, how makes the hold into a diamond. Pressure
makes his chs into these beautiful gens. You're going to
get sent to Pasadena if you don't shut the funk up.
Get my vote? Is selling his chests? What, honey? Wonder
(56:27):
what it would be like not crystallized? What I need?
I know what it's like crystallized, but I don't know
what it's like as a judge. Can I switch? No? No, no, no, no, please.
I don't want to be stuck with that kid again.
He's so talkative and young, too young. I hate children. God,
(56:50):
your four o'clock is here. If you're done with your son,
your four o'clock is here. Okay, Hi, I have something
really important to talk to you about. I've been waiting
for a very very long time. Thank you for seeing me.
Are these for everybody? I love being? And Eminem's so good.
Even about putting some pretzels in this, maybe some raisins.
(57:13):
So about where to begin? Where to begin? Where to begin? Um?
I have a pitch for you, an idea. Okay, we um.
So I managed the line, the mind line, right where
everyone's mind mining. I managed that. I oversee that section
of the clouds of heaven, so to speak. Uh, And
(57:34):
I overheard one of the work we're talking about what
Jesus is jitz might look like, not crystallized in its
purest form. And I had the idea. I did that too.
I say oh, And then I say my name. I'm like, oh, Terry,
and I'm like what So anyway, um, what do you
think about a section a slab of heaven that just
(57:57):
produces um, you know, his his. The less I have
to think and talk about this, the better. Okay, to
be honest with you, okay, okay. And then I oh, sorry,
my my voice modulated. My voice modulator just went off.
Wait a second, Jesse Crumpton, Jon, that's our show for tonight,
(58:23):
that is our show man. I want to thank all
the alchemists. Caroline Connor, thank you so much for coming back.
Thank you. Jenny place In particularly like to point folks.
I guess my Instagram cotter poop, but I deleted it
from my phone, so now I just access it by
the web browser on my phone instead of the app
(58:48):
and TikTok. I don't have one, but send me TikTok's
all right, thank you for being here. You're welcome, you too, Jackie,
thank you so damn much. Thank you. Happy to be
Please come back and see us soon, Okay, Craig Kakowski,
thanks good man. I understand. Craig's List is back for
(59:08):
a special month. Yeah, we're calling it Craigslist Spookey Times
with ten oh's uh and my wife Carl and I
are watching thirty one Halloween or horror movies in the
thirty one days of October, and we're podcasting about it.
So Craigslist pea cast on Twitter, uh, and then all
your favorite podcast sites SoundCloud, iTunes, what have you. We're
(59:33):
on there, so please subscribe and listeners talk about scary movies.
Can't wait, super excited. Thank you for that. Chris Alvarado,
thank you, thank you. I just want to share a
quick text I got from the car dealership about my
brand new car. It says good news, car won't start.
What an upbeat person who literally says that. Yeah, So
(59:55):
I just want to share that with everybody at Krissavardo,
you know, all over the place. I'm coming at you hard,
thank huh, and joe You're well, you're coming out of soft.
There's anything you'd like folks to know? Yes, the Heat
are gonna win. And as you're listening to this, we're
celebrating our fucking fourth championship. Uh so that's it. That's
all you gotta know. Did you bind the team? What
(01:00:17):
do you mean? We? Yes, yes, we are. Owner Jackie
and I are congratulations, Thank you incredibly exactly. I think
it's important to ask who's the bigger fan between Jackie
and Joey Jackie Jackie, Jackie has Jackie has a lot
more fire and soul about Yes, I get I get
(01:00:37):
upset and I want to take my time away from them.
I'm like, you know, but Jackie will just she's die hard.
She's like, I don't know if anyone else remembers this.
I think it was the uh what was the twenty
eleven All right, let's thank our engineering police of the stars,
Mr Doug ban verifying folks that I heart media. I'm
(01:00:57):
host Kevin Pollack mind you to please be kind to
each other. Wear masks when you go outdoors until next time.
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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