December 3, 2019 • 60 mins
Marven McHugh As Call-In Radio Host; They Walk Among Us; Mom Doesn’t Want To Sell The House.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode a alchemy this I'm your host,
Kevin Pollock, Yes that Kevin Pollock? What's that? Well? You
know what, when the cows do come home, this comment
of yours will seem rather tepid, won't it? But I digress.
Let's meet an Optimists and no particular order? Shall we
say hello to? But that's a raglan. You're trapped on
(00:23):
a deserted island. What is the one collection of music? Oh,
you'd like to have with you? Oh? These collections used
to be called albums. It's much easier to ask. You
know what. This is a really bad one for me.
So you don't have a musical stylings that you particularly enjoy?
Your eclectic? Your taste is eclectic. It's all over the place.
(00:46):
Are you over Judy Garland? I love Judy? We kill
each other on the island. Okay. Then the question shifts
which one of us? And you have to say, Joey,
would you like to make you a mixtape for the island?
I have to say, that's right. The same song on
Loop Grab your Shorts. Craig Atkowski is at the table,
(01:11):
ka cow, what is your deserted island album? You know what?
I'm saying album, so now it's no longer music could
be anything. I think one of those Haunted House records
of Spooky that way. Other people stay the funk off
my Desert Island, that's the beauty. So uh is it
(01:35):
desert island because it's a deserted island? What makes it
a desert? They mean the same thing. Turns out, I
think the British say desert, I mean deserted. So you
thought your face, you thought you were in the UK
for a moment. I know we've got a big UK
listeners do who love the accidents? At least one of
the same suggestions today is from the UK. Hold the
bread between your knees. It's Chris Alvarado, Chris T. Brinkley
(02:00):
of improv. What is your album of Desert Island? Man?
All right, I'm just gonna say it. Just say yeah,
that's Dr Dre's the Chronic boom Ka Boom cut the Grass.
Because they're James Heeney, James g McGee the third. Care
to share your albums? Yes, I do. It would be
(02:22):
it would be that's all the time we have. It
would be alive one from fish Okay, you know what
it's a really good album. It's really good. I meant
to ask you a question. Is that five hours long?
It's it's longer than most albums. But should ever be
(02:43):
how that so easily? See? You just jammed a lot
of different sounds coming out of that. Do they do
they have the nerve to name the tracks? Yeah, of
course they do. There's different songs. No, they aren't different titles.
Oh man, okay, God bless you for your choice. We
(03:04):
live in a free society, or allowed to be wrong.
And but may your car washby clothes if you think
at least it's Joey Greer, joe to the Greer. Oh
what is your album? You know? I'm I'm gonna go
with your own new album? You know my I had
to play my album Goodnight, which is on the Spotify
itune Sam. If you did, I would strip myself immediately.
(03:28):
I would forget that that's who I am. I forget
that I'm listening to myself and then vow to kill
the person on the album. And when I get back
to civilization, I realized that that's me and I've I've
already been dead. That's beautiful, you know what I mean?
That makes sense or Limbiscuit, Anything by Limbiscuit. Those are
my two albums. We'd like to invite you to become
(03:52):
a v I P member of our new Patreon page.
Bonus episodes not available to non members. Oh that's right,
episodes seen available only to you. There's a phone number,
and also that the just v i P s can
call in, leave a message, or put in requestion or
request whatever will reply at one of our regular meetups.
We've got one coming up actually at the house where
(04:14):
we do a live stream. Will tell you all about
it on the social media's Uh, those are only available
to v i P s All kinds of cool ship.
So joined the super core fans by going to Patreon
dot com slash alchemy this. All of today's scenes suggestions
regathered from our listeners emails. If you would like to
submit one, please write to the podcast that your name
here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name here
(04:37):
at alchemy this dot com. Our first scene comes from Dave,
a Patreon v I P. I'm sorry, did I not
mentioned that v I P s get priorities scenes suggestion
into the queue? Because you do, Dave wrote, it made
my day when you use my suggestion unibody body part
group therapy. Yep, it's me, Mr Univall. I don't think
(05:02):
I was here for that. You probably weren't. You might
have been. Thanks for doing that one. Here's my new
scenes suggested, brace Yourselves. Marvin mckugh as an advice call
in radio show host, thanks for all the last checking
his church Dave uh Marvin's So you just sit at
the counter that you've got the headphones and the microphone,
(05:24):
a firm view. That's all you gotta do, Will folle
with the questions to you, and you just first thing
that comes to your mind. Okay. And these real people
calling in, they certainly are yeah, yeah, people from all
over the world, by the way, not just the United States. Okay,
so it might be a different time zone. It could
in fact be a completely different time zone. Okay, so
I should adjust to that. You don't have to adjust anything.
I'll just shoot your question while play the person's asking
(05:47):
the question, and then you just first thing comes to
your mind. Okay, good, because I have a lot of
advice to give you. That please. That's we had a
lot of life experiences. That's why we've hired you. Good good,
or they've hired you. I'm just the engineer. My name
is Doug, Babe. So let's uh when you're ready to
give me a thumbs up. M that's not really a thumb. Okay, well,
I my thumb is mangled. So hello him? Am I
(06:13):
on the air. Oh here's our first caller? Yes, your stage,
your name please, and where you're calling from. Hey, my
name is Donny Carter. I'm calling from Downey, California. Okay,
Mr Carter, what question do you have from Marvin? Well?
Quick little backstory? My wife and I are well, we've
lost the spark frankly, and I just don't want to
(06:34):
lose her. She's a great woman. I just don't baby, Baby,
I'm ordering pizza. I'm ordering pizza. I'll make this quick
if you get something with pepperoni. No, no, no, no,
that's not that's not my question. My question is how
do I bring the fire back to the bedroom? Bring
(06:57):
the used to have a fire there? No, sir, one second, baby, please?
I need I need, I need an answer, I need
it quickly. She's getting angry and I want to suite
her and make sweet sweet love to her. Please give
me lastly's coming over. We're going out you're staying at home.
Can I come? Now? Well that's the issue, isn't it. Yeah?
(07:18):
I can't come. Thanks for nothing. Look, look Danny dunny him.
It's okay, Marvin. We got another call. Okay in the
queue here for you call. Yeah, as it turns out
good one. Uh your name and where you're calling from?
Place by um sean turtle neck, no relation to the
(07:41):
actual clothing one um from I'm calling. I'm from Raleigh,
North Carolina, but I'm calling from New York, New York,
right outside and right outside, right outside now, and I
have a quick time is it there? Right now? It's
it's like six What time is it? Everybody? It's three eighteen? Okay,
So should I call back? Or how did this? Well?
(08:02):
I just want should I call back? Or is there
Doug b What do we do? We'll just go ahead
with the question. Uh, well, this is a time sensitive question.
I don't uh if we're not on the same time,
I don't know what. Okay, Well, let's synchronize. I watching.
Are you analog or digital? Okay? I am digital? All right,
So this is gonna be one two. Okay, what do
(08:25):
you see now? I see right now? It is off
I just turned my watch also off. All right, I
don't know what time it is. That's good. We don't
know what time it is, so both What is your question?
Question is actually more of a statement. It's actually more
of a statement. But all phrase as a question. We
can handle that phrase as a question. That's all right,
just to do it upward inflection. You got it. Red socks, Raleigh,
(08:49):
I'm not wearing socks right now. When we socks, I'm
in New York. When Raleigh, when I wear when I
wear socks, I do prefer red socks. All right, I
am in socks is a sponsor of the Marvin MQ
Show for many years. I'm in New York. I'm a
New York guy. Sox. We do all the thinking for you.
Why I choose a color when it's red red sox?
(09:12):
All right? Marvin? Alright, I remember, Marvin, if you'd like
to save one of these calls, were set up a
special bank and you can name the bank whatever you want. Okay,
So for playing back later. We live on the air
now we are okay, yeah, great, So everyone's hearing you
giving me notes. I don't think these are notes. I'm
(09:37):
taking them his notes. Yes, Yes, is Marvin m you're
on the You're in the Marvin MQ. I'm in the cure.
I'm on the show. You're on the show. I know you.
I'm disguising my voice. I'm trying to Okay, so, uh well,
I didn't expect you to guess so fast. What time
(09:59):
is it where you It's three nineteen? All right, we
are in sync. Okay, it's a pizza on the way.
What do you got? What you got? Where you are?
Where are you calling from? My house? Sure? And your name?
It's a condo? Is that Italian? Is this Marie condo? Oh?
I wish, I hope I could spark joy I'm calling.
(10:23):
I'm calling because I have a crush on someone. I
don't know how to tell them. Okay, that's tough. He
has beautiful ankles. Hm. You know people often compliment me
on my ankles when I'm not wearing my red socks. Yeah,
what what else is about it? Is true about him?
What else is true about him? What a beautiful question.
(10:46):
He's a poet, he's but his feet show it. They're longfellows.
Oh poetry related puns? Am I go to mom? I
I see this fellow at the library on Wednesday. Did
I go to the library on Wednesdays? Is this is
(11:08):
this fellow you're talking about me? If it was question,
how would I get you? How do I get you?
Is that the question? That's my question? Get off the jug. Well,
next time you're at the library, and maybe you need
to send the signal I've been trying. What are some
of the signals you've said? I have you ever noticed
(11:31):
the lady with no teeth? Okay, so you just want
to check this up for two days? You want to
check this up? Please quiet down, don't tell me the show.
Do you hold onto my shirt? Let go? What are
you doing, freak? I'm trying to check out a book
(11:52):
I need. I need this sex guide. Okay, this is
an advice show. Now I'm I'm out of the law business.
Don't need to check this out. This is just a
pamphlet of safe sex. Fact take this old karens are sex?
I love it? Do I still refer to you? Okay?
I don't remember that. Well, well, I apologize if I
(12:15):
treated you that way. It's okay. I I was trying
to create a scene. I didn't deserve your attention, but
I'd love to deserve your attention. Marvin. It sounds like
you've acquired teeth. I've gotten to my nephew. Oh you
got his teeth. No, I wish those are great, they're young.
These are fake. Well, I think you can kiss just
(12:38):
the same regardless, right, I can kiss better with him
out Marvin, Marvin, we were listening to your radio show.
I got pretty pretty fucked up. If I could just
be honest with you. Okay, you got pretty hot again?
Well subjective it was Red Sox upset. The Red Sox
is through the roof. All right, they're pulling sponsorship. Okay,
oh no, oh yes, are you think we're gonna have
(13:00):
our product on this fucking station? I understand, man, understand.
Started sweet, it went sexy, it got filthy. Understand. Look,
we're doing a live radio show here. Okay, it's three eighteen. Alright,
we're doing the best weekend. You talked to that motherfucker? Hey, Dave,
keeping my office for a second. Yeah, what's up? Yeah,
you're in charge of the Red Sox campaign, right, yeah?
(13:23):
On radio? On radio? Yeah? Have you heard the Marvin
MQ show. Well, they did a Red Sox ad. No, okay,
So my wife and I are driving a dinner last
night and this thing. I get it. You're married. Yeah,
I don't mean to bring it up every time you do.
I'm sorry about it. You're not married. Wish I was right,
so I started interrupted. I'm just taking orders for for
(13:43):
chicken or do you want roach of chicken? Because I do,
because you're married, I wanted you're not married' not married?
What do you mean? I'm not married? So just chicken
for us. I'm married, the marriage. I get some food, right,
I'll be back in a minute. Okay, so what's up? Yeah?
The ads are horror the live reads yea horrible. You
need to talk to whoever is in charge of the
station that he works out because my wife is humiliated.
(14:05):
Oh yeah, exactly. I can't have that again to read
those ads A real proa by the name of I
don't know his fucking name. Okay, this is all right.
Listen to people, all right, Like we run a business here.
Everyone's got to be married. Are you married? All right?
Everyone got to be married? Why did you look at me?
I'm married. I'm looking at everyone. You were looking at
(14:26):
me talking to you. I'm just respect you know that
I'm married, ted and my wife is in Canada right now.
I know that, all right, and uh Clark, Uh, well,
I'm I'm I'm just trying to find the right person.
It's I've dated and the thing is married. He was
you were married. I was very shortly married, but it
was it was kicking my leg or what are you doing? Sure,
(14:48):
don't kick my leg? Why don't don't? It's bruising. It's
hard to be married, it is. But we're a company
myself sucks to married people. For Mary, all right, you
married a nut, Clark, I'm no longer married. All right,
we have one last call for you. I'm stepping in
for Doug Paine, who don't worry about it. Where's call
(15:12):
for you? And we're going live. My name's Ebert and
I live in Laramie, Wyoming. Um. My wife, my wife
has been burying things in the backyard and there's people
missing in our neighborhood. What time is it there there?
I mean it's four or fifteen? Okay, Oh, that's strange.
(15:36):
It is strange. Did you not do you not have
one of those devices that automatically resets for daylight saving? No,
it doesn't, it doesn't. Okay, it's a wall clock I'm
looking at and I can't reach it. Alright, half you're wrong.
Do you have it like a step ladder? You can
get on? Sure? Okay, I'll give you time to get
the step. Close your eyes. I'm dragging something through here.
(15:57):
I don't want you to see it. Okay, all right,
I wish did you buy the bleach I asked for? Yeah,
they're bleaches under the sink. Thank you. I'm sorry. That
was my wife. She was tragging some garbage bags across
the floor. And you want to know where the bleach was.
So all your poisons labeled, Well, I don't know if
bleach is really a poison. Try drink against see how
(16:23):
that goes. I'd prefer not to, but I'll give it
a ship that was that was being facetious. Don't drink
the bleach? Well, is there a difference between something being
poisonous and being poisoned? Mr MQ. You realize you're in
some hot water. Yes, this is very relaxing. Well, we
(16:45):
wanted to relax before we sort of let you know
the scope of Parca. Enjoy this hot time. So maybe
your last So I'm sorry. I'm like to please do
not talk to my client until we have spoken. He's
a former he has a former jud right beyond, Jared,
your client got forty people to drink bleach. They think themselves.
(17:10):
I double there you on the air, and people can
be dead triple times if they'd like. My client is
a four judge. Jared's my roy Cone. Well, I don't,
I don't. Hey, Cindy thinks for coming back to my place.
I a quick little nightcap for us, if that's cool. Well,
I was listening to a radio show and I got
(17:32):
a little tip about something that might be spicy. Okay,
give me one second. Okay, close your eyes. Okay, Sean,
what the hell? What do you do in my apartment? Dude?
You said like a crash or what I need to hear?
Can I help? In my eyes? Eyes closed for one
Secon brought a date hearing me. I want to open
(17:53):
my eyes. Just hold on real quick. What the hell
is it? What do you have? Any of course? I
got bleached? Want to drinking it? Almost man with the help? Fine, Okay,
this is my but he's my butler. He's my butler. Curious,
I need this, I work out need this. He's my butler.
(18:15):
And I was he was gonna make this up a drink? Yeah,
can I and how does that concern me? Exactly? Because
ultimately they drank the bleach well I said on the show,
I'm being facetious. Don't drink bleach. I had to step back,
triple dogs. Excuse me, excuse me. I had to step
(18:35):
out for a minute. I did not hear what you said. Okay,
so I am back now all right? Where did you
go to go out? I had to excrete myself, Thank
you very much. I didn't want tolf Yes I did. Okay,
you're an embarrassment. Am. I won't even pass the bar. No,
I didn't, but I got over it. Now let me
tell you something right now. It's a reptilian. He's gonna
ship his skin like every hour. I can't help that.
I'm from a different planet. But I'm like you. Your
(18:57):
lawyer isn't a lawyer. He isn't lawyer? Galaxies. Where's the
hologram part? I don't see any hologram points? Do you
have one? Can we get a hologram port? I don't
run the case SPA and there is no hologram port
that I'm aware of. Excuse me. My tail is full enough.
Can we get more bubbles here? There should be bubbly.
(19:20):
I'm again. I don't run the case, hit the bubble buttons.
You're in big trouble, Marvin. We have time for just
one more call. Great, great, So I'm back on the air.
You are, yes, of course, good. Yeah, we've we've been
on the AirLand this whole time. Of course. Yeah. But
my mind has been wondering. Yes, there's a calling now,
(19:41):
Yes you are. You're on with Marvin mcque. The butler
and the guy is dating there on the floor, and
he said, okay, okay, i'd call a poison control center.
What's happening. What happened? Yeah, you'll know what's to do.
They were making a night cocktail, a cock to nightcap,
(20:05):
and the butler. The butler was wearing boxes and he
was reaped, and I was like, oh my god, and
I like I was gonna cheers, and I cheers, but
I didn't drink it. You just from a dream, I
don't think. So you're describing things that were happening. Now,
it happened like three minutes at all. Where are you
calling from. I'm calling from Alaska. Oh what time is it? There?
(20:29):
To fifteen? Wow? That is early, it's late. It's okay?
Is still light out. It's always like that, when is
it going to be night? Marvin? And why is the
butler dying? So the question first and foremost is when
is it going to be nice? Well, uh, okay, I
(20:54):
think six months, Like if wait six months, it's gonna
be nice. Okay. And then the butler question, Oh he's dead?
Are you curious how she has a butler? I don't
have a butler. Actually I was on a date. It
was the second so I go back to the guy's place.
But it wasn't It was his place, but the butler
was there. But the butler was in a mood. But now,
(21:17):
but now every they're both. I just moved to Lasco
last month, and this is like not what I wanted. Okay,
I'd get out of there. Okay. It sounds like the call,
rather than to the Marvin MQ Show is to nine
one one. Can you do that? Sure? I can switch
you over? Okay, hold for nine one one operator? Please?
(21:39):
No one too? Oh no, I'm trying to call one
forget great? Can you transfer me? Yeah? I guess what
his name? Want to do? Can you help me this?
Of course I can help you. No one to Okay,
I'm in Alaska. There's two dead people here? Can I
write this down? To go on? What are you writing it?
I'm running down to dead people? What else you need? Quickly?
(22:00):
A pen? Yes, I'm more of a computer. We don't
get that kind of well, well, well if it isn't
the nine one two pussies just trying to do. Is
our cafeteria one boys here, the real emergency boys. Sometimes
sometimes they need an overflow and we do a good
(22:21):
job with it. Oh is that right? Who told you
to get out of here? You little son of a bitch? Alright? Pop?
Quiz that one too? Someone gets shot? What do you do?
Write it down? So alright, that's pretty good. Okay, so
you got one right? What about fucking building fire? Second?
There's a building fire caused by fucking Is that what
you're saying? What are you talking about? We don't. We don't.
(22:43):
I never said you did. I don't even. We don't
even we both have we hold up. Let's let's write
this down. Okay, I'm gonna write this now. No, no
hull came right now? Is a friendly hug? Is that? Okay?
(23:04):
Make a note of that fucking hug. Fucking huck, fucking huck. No,
excuse me, librarian, I wouldn't renew this sex pamphlet. Yes, again,
it's just a pamphlet. Excuse me, excuse me. I'm trying
to renew this sex family. You don't need to renew it.
It's it's just a hello. Oh, I dropped my teeth.
(23:29):
Excuse me when I picked him up? And I'm going
to call look great, down on my butt hole? Man,
I'm gonna call security. No, you're not what is this monstrosity?
Marguerite one one? You can? Can you transform your nine
one to well? Do really quick? Be sure I can't
help you out. Maybe there's a woman over here's one
(23:52):
for sure, alright, and we're transferring now. Hello, Okay, there's
no one on the line. It's still me. I think
I think I can handle it. So you're not well,
there's a woman here who dropped her teth and she's
showing her but it's hard, that's but but but how
can I help you you by transforming? And I want
(24:12):
to please, all right, find trans right now? Thank you? Yes,
I have a woman here is showing her teeth and
her buttle showing her teeth, she's losing her teeth and
then her buttles being shown picking my ankles. I just
need someone, Okay, let me just quick. I'm a little confused,
but whole teeth and I can't think of a better
(24:32):
way transition to a live read ADS. It's gonna be
super excited to find themselves placed so gently. I believe Chris,
you're going to leave us a yeah, that's right, because listen,
here's the deal. Casper products are cleverly designed to mimic
(24:53):
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(25:16):
becoming the Internet's favorite mattress and honey, the internet is huge. Yeah,
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(25:36):
a streamlined design at a price that won't keep you
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(25:58):
prices because Cast cuts out the middleman and sells directly
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delivered right to your door in a small How the
hell did they do that? Size box? Free shipping and
returns in the US and Canada. You can be sure.
Let me try that again. You can be sure? Come on,
(26:21):
you got this. You can be sure of your purchase
with Casper's one hundred night risk free sleep on it trial. Joey,
what does that mean to you? Sleep on a trial?
Sleep on a trial means that you can sleep on
Let's see if it fits your body, and if you
sleep well with it, you keep it. If you don't.
Hundred nights and think of how many days that is
(26:44):
the overseas the trial, Yes, yes, there is. Would you
like to be on the jury. Yes, that's why you're asking.
All right, take a number. Uh now, Joey, I'm gonna
come to you for this personal experience because you guys
got a Asper mattress. We did, so roll out the
process for us. Please get the box all right, it
(27:06):
shows up at your shows up at your door. Crazy,
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there it's rolled up. It's insane, it's nuts. And then
you cut it open and the mattresses there and just
throw it on your box room or wherever you got before,
wherever it's a mattress and you sleep on it immediately.
It's fantastic. Immediately. Yeah, you can go to bed right
(27:26):
then and there. It's crazy. That is a little bananas.
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(27:48):
hundred dollars towards Select mattresses by Casper dot com slash Alchemy,
and thank you for supporting this show. Alright, let's start
with CE number two. I've got your attention? Hey why not? Um?
Oh this is good. This actually comes from Realm from
the UK, who who wrote, Hi, I have been listening
(28:12):
to you guys show for quite a while. Now I
have you guys to thank for keeping me sane during
soul crushing finals, and now that I've graduated, I guess
we get credit for that, right right, soul crushing work. Joking.
I love my job really, Mostly, I have to say,
it amazes me still how much you guys are able
(28:32):
to derail every single scenario that suggested. I mean, for example,
a kid's TV show ending with a psychological damage nine
year old who thinks he's an octopus unintentionally killing himself.
I think we all remember that, right enough, set, I
find myself pondering about various scenarios to pitch, and then
(28:53):
he offered like seven different choices. I chose the one
least like any other scene would ever done before. And
it goes like this. An alien couple who has spent
a lifetime watching Earthlings finally lens and tries to pest
themselves off as human. Keep doing what you guys do best,
m from England. All right, so this is the last
(29:14):
house we're gonna show you. This looks fantastic. Yeah. Um,
as you can see, the entryway is quite sizeable, are you?
I'm just I love this house. I would love to
cook food that I will eat with my mouth and
digestive system here. Look, I'm a lawyer, okay, and I
want to get this house. What kind of law practice?
(29:35):
In several galaxies? Okay? I don't want to yes, all right,
I don't want to brag. Have you ever noticed when
you're eating food that your taste buds on your tongue
can help you taste the food. I love that about
my body. Are you guys? Hungry? That your way of
saying I would love to eat you. I would love
to rip your flesh from your body to me, and
we'd love to eat food at the grocery. Yeah. Do
(30:00):
you want to see some of the bedrooms? And there's
upstairs only we bring our own pods. I sleep upside
down and I sweat in the night a riot. Okay.
So that was to number two's and you still haven't
told me your drink order yet. I probably, uh what
slurpian a slurpie? You know what we've done. No, no, no, no, no,
(30:21):
span babe, what are you doing? What are you doing?
What are you doing? What are you doing? We wanted
to live here? Yeah, yeah, okay, so I made concession. Yet, yeah,
I said I was gonna tearrible lot to be able
to breathe this oxygen. Yet I recognize that accident. You
can't say that, of course I can say that. Of course,
two of the most popular human drinks on the menu. Okay, yes,
where are you guys from Jersey? I'm from a galaxy
(30:42):
far oh man. I recognize that anywhere from the hotpoon system. Ye.
Do you know many cases I got back on the
hotpoon system? They don't do this. I'll do this this right,
do right? Two? Number two is too human drinks and
(31:02):
uh napkin to wipe holes and from our skin is
gonna fall off. We do not need a napkin. We
have to use a napkin. Okay, here, it's all it's
outside here, it's thirteen forty two. Please you'll see that
couple over there by the counter. Yeah, they're bad, they're
they're just are you looking at them? Well, I mean
undernath their skin looks like you talk to us anymore
(31:25):
for us an the restaurant. I'm just saying there's some
creeping family for us. I'm not oh my, because I
got two jobs now, I'm too good for y'all home.
I think that's something that's going on. Also, because you
got the Dr Phil vitamins. Look, I can afford what
I can afford, or you can buy your own damn
Dr Watch. I ain't God, dammit, Claire, I'm not gonna
(31:50):
be a city bitch like that. All right, I'm I'm dad.
You're scaring us. Look, no one believes that you saw
a sliging saucer. No one believes it's from a harpoon galaxy.
No one believes you can feel the the electro mechantic
waves and energy. We love you, We love you. I
know what I saw, Okay, And I'm sorry. If I'm
(32:12):
ruining Thanksgiving, you're not ruining it. We're just we're scared.
We're scared that you're losing your mind. You're you're scared.
I'm scared they're infiltrating our town. And I'm scared that
the sweet potatoes are getting cold. So let's just Stacy,
You're not blood family, Okay. I cannot listen to you
say that door. Hello, how do you do? Oh? Yeah, look,
(32:39):
I just needed tomorrow some turkey because we sell break.
You know what I can do one better. We can
borrow you some turkey inside, borrow me something turkey inside. Hey,
Hi guys, Okay, okay, sorry, we're sorry about this. The
aliens that came right out of that flying point at me.
(33:00):
I don't know. This is our grandfather. He's my dad.
Some sweet potato pie. I do it with marshmallows, but
I got another version without marshmallows in the oven. It
can go either way. I would like to eat that
grandfather's eyes. It might be my eye. He's he's a lawyer.
(33:20):
But it's not funny. All right. A couple of things.
My dad, his grandfather, is not feeling well today. Okay. Also,
Cyndy over here is not actually related to us. She's
a family friend. That's a family friend. I am married. Still.
Grandpa's money, that's what's really happening. I love him, we
have been married for thirty eight years. I'm not after
his money. He doesn't have money. All right. Oh here
(33:42):
comes mom turkey money here it is. Everybody, be careful.
This is very hot Grandpa. You usually uh, you usually
cut the turkey, don'ty, We will just eat it as is.
Usually they're obviously a question. Who's got ten fingers on
their hands? Look at all that we have so much
(34:03):
in common? You did, but she ate that one off
last night like an idiot. You're supposed to keep him all.
That's what they do, keep getting the way of my
goddamn nor my hands. We gotta here at the Sclusive family,
we say grace before we eat. Mom, he just ate
the whole fucking turkey, and I'm we're you know what,
We're not going to let that ruin. Thanks getting to
(34:27):
thank I got that extra sweet potato canst rolling, Yeah,
thank you, thank you everybody for coming to Um. I
saw an alien and no one's believed me and my
family anonymous. What's the acronym of game for that alien?
I saw an alien and no one believes me and
my my family anonymous. So uh, I just want us
to know that everyone here is in a safe place
(34:48):
and that um you know, if you know, what are
you gonna do to stop him? Well, I mean it's
cold listening right now that we're building. I feel like
that's what it is. Uh, and sir, I have a
you don't don't need to say into the background. Um,
but uh yeah, so uh you know, I think I
think the best thing we can do to stop and
just make sure that that we stay human. You know,
(35:10):
I think that's a great idea. Look, as the treasurer
of the I S A A N B M A,
I feel that we could use a little more funding,
a little more funding for therapy, for therapy. I have
a question. So, like one of your frowns, I'll talk
about saying my son, comma alien. They're also taking these
(35:31):
rominans that I got off to. Man. They like that, man,
and they like that. You know, I'm not I'm not
a goddamn alien because I'm all right. Can we break
it up? Actually, she does bring up a good point.
I think we should all care do the proof or
not an alien movement? Obviously we know aliens cannot uh clap,
(35:55):
so clap. I don't know, I don't know how they're made. Okaye,
claps go around the room, clops go around the room.
All right, we are safe. We're safe. Well, they can
touch their hands together, they just don't have rhythm. That's
exactly right. Welcome. So I guess the clap is kind
of I never considered clap rhythm. That's always more than
(36:17):
who's here? Ever seen the movie The Thing? Corrosa film critic?
Anyone ever seen the Thing? Everybody has unlock paths of lifestyles.
You're the poor sum of bit I've ever seen my
goddamn alright, alright, no more? You know the I S
A A, N B M A is a place of support.
(36:40):
Now we have a new member who walked in. We'd
like to hear his name. Welcome him. He sounds like
an alien, by the way, he's not welcome. That's a
good one. My name is Rick. I live right here
in town. Uh uh, I live on Waveland. Let's go,
(37:03):
let's go, let's go. Should we go? Should we do
the meeting there? Why we're all here? Now? Why wouldn't
we go to another place? It's probably actually got a recline?
Or won't you Rick? Anyway, I'm not sure if this
is the right meeting. I think it might be. Are
you feeling pressure from your family? Do they not believe
the things that you've seen? Well, they didn't. But then
two aliens came to dinner and clearly revealed themselves of
(37:27):
alien and now people in my family. Yeah, listen, you can't.
You can't walk BArch into this, into the sacred room
and then lie to our faces. Alien did his ass
what they look like? Well, they look like people. Okay,
what would it tell tales that? Well one of them
(37:50):
sucked an entire turkey into his mouth? What my mouth?
I'm a serman, you know what? Maybe you were right, sir.
Maybe this isn't the place for you. Which group is this? Damned?
You look so upset? Did they not believe you at
the meeting? No? I need now to join a support
group for but it sounded like the perfect group of people.
(38:14):
You were right? How much more right can we tell
you you were? Those aliens should get the funk out
of our neighborhood. Thank you, Thank you for always on
his side for what it's worth it. Maybe your stepmother, Becky,
you are my own age, Okay, so I don't want
to call your stepmother. Well I've been around for thirty
four years, so yeah, you're thirty four years old. That's great.
I'm so em kidding. I'm kidding. That wasn't funny? Well,
(38:36):
would you know what else to say? That wasn't funny? Okay,
that wasn't funny. Thank you do command coming into aliens.
Please receive communication. Yeah, we got it. Communication. You have
six hours. Still everything goes there a issue with the transmission.
(38:57):
There seems to be some break in between that would
want kaboom kaboom. We need a big kaboom in six hours?
M or is the kaboom being generated by an external aliens?
External external aliens doing this message? Who's that messages? It's
me scorn. Yeah, ship must be going down if you
doing messages? All right, get up my back. Six hours
(39:19):
till kabood? Score? Can you came him into my office?
But yeah, what's up? Um? I just read the transcripts
back from the message you sent down to clinking and
spanking on the earth surface. Yeah, yeah, what's this kaboom?
I'm not great at my job. Well, my uncle works here,
(39:40):
obviously you know him, and he's given me a shot.
Yeah yeah, No, Reggie's the reason you got this job.
There's no question about that. I'm not confident in my abilities.
Well let's work on that. That's what I'm trying to do. Yeah.
So the first thing I would do is take your
hands away from your mouth. Oh yeah, see now you
can speak a little more freely. Try to take a
boom now ka boom see much less. Uh. Look, I
(40:02):
can't just get you a job. Okay, I've got you
got another nephew or whatever the funk it is in there. Okay,
so just do your work and if you get it,
if you get up, you get up. All right. Let
me get some more terse and crystals please? Thank you?
Are you married? Yes, I'm married. Yes. Look, if you
want a job, you're gonna have to get it yourself.
I can't just keep pushing family members through. All right.
I need a job. You're gonna have to get it
(40:24):
your uncle. Can I get some more rise and crystals?
Uncle from a third reptile? Okay, we're not that close. No,
my mother said that you guys were so close and
then you had that balling out and I need it
all well we fell out. Okay, I ate two birds
this morning. Can I get some tursey and crystals? Please?
All right? Just follow my lead. Hi, we're aliens. Um.
(40:49):
Can we order a number dash dash dash Yeah, I'll
have a dash dash dash as well. This is going well,
this is going well. Get shirt? Uh? Yes, please? Do
you want to take this one phil that went well,
(41:13):
that went well, that's somehow he understood me. No, we
are in okay, now we have five hours, gets you
boys a drink? Yeah, we'll take the most popular alien drinks.
You got it. We're not from Earth. Nope. Five hours
until we made this whole place go operation boom. We
(41:33):
were trusted with this gig. Okay, this looks delicious, This
does look good. I don't do we put it in
our mouths? Excuse me? Where does this go? What do
you mean that's right? Are you asking? If it just
it's because it's kind of gassy and floating and I
wasn't you know, we'll just pull out your nipple tube? Right?
(41:57):
Does you want to try something? I have to have
his appens. We can't access our our nipple. To access
your nipple tupes for you boys us a few dolls
extra access to nipple. But we don't have a nipple tube.
That's the bad part. American dollars right right, of course,
(42:19):
not American dollars that would be observed. Let me take that. Yes,
I have it. Okay, well, also have you with me?
If you want to access your nipple tubes, you're gonna
have to what's going on? Everything? Alright, Crystal? Now these
are trying to access you know, they want me to
(42:40):
access to the nipple tubes because they say they keep
tailors all the time. The gas stuff is flowing, and
he's trying to give me American currency and he's talking
about I don't have American Let me see your back
hooks are back hooks? All right? Jig's up? We accelerate.
What were you coming? Puss the ball for our final
(43:09):
scene today. It comes from Haley, who wrote, my sister
and I finally convinced our widowed mother to move closer
to us. After two years of bugging her, she finally
put her house on the market. The problem is she
put it on the market for twice what it's worth.
We asked her to rethink it, but she refuses. Also
recently informed me that she does not plan to leave
(43:30):
the house when potential buyers come to view, and will
just move to the next room when they come in.
She said. I told her that was insane, and now
she's mad at me. I would love to hear a
funny spin I'll bet you would on this really frustrating situation.
I recently got a promotion, so I can't listen to
podcasts all day at work anymore like I used to.
(43:52):
But I've kept Alchemy this on my list of faiths,
and I always listen when I can keep up the
good work. Thanks Alchemists. Haley from Austin, uh So, we're
going to show you the house. This looks like an
r V. This looks like an r V. There is
no way there's three bedrooms. I don't want to have
a bad attitude, but I'm not gonna waste my time
(44:14):
going into this mobile. We can afford what we can afford,
and we can afford this. We try to enjoy that
train card design. Cute. It's on a foundation. You'll be
able to own the land for ninety nine years. What
shill certainly will be your lifetimes. What happens what happens
at the end of the term. But wait a second,
(44:34):
don't even think about that. Shouldn't it just be ours
to give to our kids? Sure, and they can have
it to the end of the ninety nine years, and
then it will come back to the state. To the state.
Is this a rental? No, No, let's purchase. But the
land itself is always owned by the This is our
first time homebuyers. And that's fine, that's fine, head. I
didn't understand. It doesn't make a lot of sense. I understand,
(44:57):
But we'll walk you through the whole process. Let's go
in and take a look. I do have to tell
you when we go inside. Well, god, damn, looking at here, huh.
I was just about to tell them that your mother's
would probably let me tell you something right now, don't
have any Dr Phil pills, all right. That's just gonna
ruin your bank accounts, gonna ruin your skin. Look at this.
This is Dickie. He's the owner's son. Much chess. Look
at this chess. Yeah, he will not be here time.
(45:22):
He won't be here when you own the house. He's
just here now. So you gotta look past a few things.
I'm planning on din here before y'all come in, and
I'm gonna burying myself on the property, all right. Dickie
recently started a profession as a stand up comedian. Is
this some of your material? Not? Yeah, I don't want
to burn what I do for free, just off your
comedy albums. So this is the foyer, I guess. Yeah,
(45:43):
we're in the fire now and again, Dickie won't be
here when you want. Okay, this is larger than I
thought it would be from the outside. Please don't touch
any of those standing pools water, thank you very much.
I hadn't noticed those. Um there's there seems to be
a little plumbing issue over here. This, it turns out
not plumbing issues. That sounds like a plumbing issue of
(46:06):
just recently redone all I mean plumbing. If it's mine,
I think we should. Yeah, I think we should. Thank
you so sure you the master sweet, it's pretty outstanding.
Tell you what before you go, and I'm fine if
you want to go. We want to take a peek
at the Master Swite. It's it's what we call the closer. Okay,
all the way out here? Are you sure? Show us
(46:27):
the Master Swiss down this hole. It's a longer hole
than I can get from the outside. Just really looks
like an RV, I know, but it's it's big. I
didn't know you could fit so many reptiles in here.
Feast your eyes on the Oh my god, oh my god,
that smell. Smell. I mean, the view is beautiful, but
(46:49):
the it's a it's a over a while ago overwhe Yeah,
it's a human carcass. You're smelling right there. Oh my god,
thank you for the We got everybody in my past
but lost another one. Okay, this is great. You know
I'm trying to sell your mom's place because that's what
(47:09):
she wants. Yeah, exactly, So I need help from the family.
You got it. I said, y'all could come in and
when we appreciate that because you get Dickie to go
somewhere else. No, no, he lives here, I understand. And
also the urine puddles. If there's anything we can do
with the urine puddles, I could tell him to try
(47:30):
to make it more in the corner. That's a start,
you know what, That's a start. I've got the oh
my goodness to out front. They gotta be out front
by now. Please don't no the next if you lock
it down, the fants are fucking here, sweetheart. I think
this purchase will save our marriage. Frankly, I'm looking for
anything to save the marriage. Well, you were also looking
(47:51):
for your secretary and you found her. Look that's in
the past, Cynthia. That's not happening anymore. Okay, I cut
it off. She still were for me, but we're not
sleeping together. Are you looking at each other? Well, occasionally
we have to look at each other and yeah, well
this will help. Buying a new home will help a
fresh start. Okay, I love you. I'm hello. Hello, Hello, Okay, great,
(48:16):
I'm sorry, I'm late. Sorry, I'm late. I hear the turners. Yes,
where are the turners? Martha? Martha? And great? So sorry
I realized I called you Cynthia earlier. My secretary's name.
I'm sorry, Martha. Yes, this is my wife, Martha, my
secretary name Cynthia. She's not here to do the time.
(48:38):
And I'm letting it slide because that was Call me
on it. Call me on it the next time I
do it. Sorry, I gotta take I gotta take this. Okay. Well,
so hey, having some problems at the office. Oh do
I need to be there if I'm gonna get fucked? Okay, okay,
(48:58):
I'm I just got to do this. I'm gonna do
this thing for Cynthia, I mean, Martha. I love it
when you call him my name. It's legitimately alright. So
I was just okay, just telling Martha that, um. The
home itself is it's actually built in nineteen twenties by
(49:21):
the architect, the HP HP HP the architect built it. Yes,
so you're gonna know some things aren't as aligned as
they should be. But the aesthetic is gorge So it's
a it's a natural history monument. It's a natural Yeah, yeah,
I do, I do. I sorry, I I do. Gotta
get to the office pretty soon. What do you do?
What do you do? I'm I'm alwayer. Oh fantastic. I
(49:44):
love law all right, so I'll make excuse me. And
it was littally inappropriate and I'm not trying to be
rude or start anything. But we're in a rocky position
right now, and you being flirty doesn't help the situation.
Just show us the house, okay. So yeah, we're hoping
that buying this house will save our marriage. Great, you
(50:04):
must get that. A lot that happens, A lot that
happen a lot. Have you seen it work? Yes? Yes, so, yes,
it works. I'm sorry, I gotta, I gotta take this. Yes, so, hey,
I got a big problem. Oh well, what's the problem?
I got an empty body? Cavity? Oh which cavity is it?
(50:26):
There's actually three? Three? Alright, mine wondering. So I'm gonna
need you to get over here and fill these suckers up. Okay,
all right, okay, I just gotta do this thing for
I don't actually care about the square footage. I'm looking
for a marriage repair. Okay, just catching up here, What
(50:47):
did I miss? So we're just going over the other
bones of the of the home, just so you know
who are they? Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay, okay,
says Mrs Williams. Okay, she is one of the home
woman thing. It's a live human is a live Mrs Williams. So, God,
it's like they've seen seven. There's smoke committed. Yes, she's
(51:11):
a smoke her. So this home is owned by her
and just because of hops, I am about to Mrs So,
she's in hospital. She can't be moved. Okay, she's got
to stay inside the like HP Lovecraft. Yes, did you
know you're familiar with She's always thought of people knew
(51:32):
him to lose the master of the basement. Don't go downstairs,
that's right. So the basement it's a little flooded, and uh,
it seems that there is an abyss down there. We've
we sent a drone and it's gone down hundreds and
hundreds of feet without everyone will take it. Okay, we're
trying to say great, Yes, you got to get to
the office. There's some there's a lot of holes that
(51:54):
need to be filled. Baby, Thank you for taking the
first step. I appreciate it. Three exactly. I definitely know
what two of them are. Mr Turner. Mr. Can I
just talk to you before you get into your office? Yes? Yes,
what what? What is it? I just want to say,
I thank you so much for helping me with my case.
Thank you so much help. When was that? When did
I help you last week? Right? Good? You got me
(52:17):
off paying ten thousand dollars I mean so much to me. Okay,
but then you gotta pay us? Right well I already did. Yes,
of course you did you. I took my fee and
gat So what did you want? I just wanted to
thank you so much. I really, I'm sorry. I gotta
get it. I understand that you under staying that. Sorry.
I just just thank you again. You are so kind
and such a The butt is one of them. Sorry. Sorry,
(52:39):
I'm so just thinking. Okay, uh, just can I get
your ear for just a second. I got this case.
I just can't get the ear. Interesting, I just can't
close this case. Yeah, I need a little help of
the closing argument, is what I'm saying. Have you tried
Frankly versus Arkansas? Yes, that's perfect. There you go, Thank
(53:00):
you so much, Mr Turner. It's just that I've got
I've got to take the rest of the day off
because I've got to go to the dentist and get
this cavity. Yes, good, good, take the rest of the
day off. Yes, okay, Hey you lawyer boy, Hey, get
the funk out of my way. Hold on, hold my
(53:21):
eye fell out? Okay, j Yeah, all right, and I
gotta just opened to alien stick your eye and yeah
they did. God dave me the first time. We've got
a class action suit going on right now. But there's
there's a hot shot guy coming in from Galaxy seven.
You know they have an alien lawyer represent well, of
(53:42):
course they do, I guess. So well, anyway, do you
mind about just gonna sack up here and just take
a little nap outside your front door cooler? Sure? Yeah,
as long as you're outside. What it surpleause you? If
I told you? Okay, are you in side my head
right now? You will forever be tortured for your no. No,
(54:07):
oh god, I'm glad you're moved here, alright cthi cthing
out here? Oh god, what did you do? What happened
to happen? So Martha feel free, of course to bring
(54:28):
in whatever referring do you want, but it would have
to be on top of Mrs Williamson's furniture. And there's
been a little issue. Okay, my husband's gone missing. Okay,
but you're still gonna pay for the home. Well if
there's no if there's no husband, then there's no marriage,
and there's no marriage, that there's no home. Okay, I
just all right, okay, yeah, that's fine. It's not fine,
(54:50):
and that's okay to say it's not fine. It's not
fine because I needed this. I need what do you need?
I just needed to sale. Do you need the money? Yeah?
I have had a lot of money. I'm not gonna
take your money. I'll give your money. I just don't
have a great love. And that's something I'm coming to
terms with. What is what do you love myself? For
(55:11):
the first time that why don't you spend money on that? Well,
the first thing I want to buy is whatever you
want to own? Money buy you something? Is this house
on the market I'm sorry interrupting. Nothing nothing, nothing, Yes,
this house is on the market. It was actually just
put up. It's a great place. I only have one handkerchief.
(55:33):
Can you guys share it to wipe your eyes? It's
a great place. Are you married? I'm no, I'm not married,
but I'm looking for a little place to make my own.
We're all looking, we're all looking. What's happening? I think
a love connection. You want to marry you and I
want to marry you. Can you? What do you say?
(55:57):
You're a single woman? I'm a single woman. Colored you
around the air? What's what's your problem? I'm in the
triple marriage in a hunted house, and we have our
furniture stacked on the other people's, which I thought wasn't
gonna be a big gilt, but it really is a
bumber because the chairs are wobbling and and the other
women love each other more than me. But I said yes,
(56:19):
and I sunk forty grand into this. Okay, we got
this question a lot. Okay, what do we do? What
time is it? There? Two? You just missed smoking ted?
What two minutes late to light one up? I don't
(56:39):
know what to do? Okay, Well, what are you wearing
on your feet right now. This episode is brought to
you by Red Sox because there are other colors, but like,
are there really Red Sox Marvin, we just got another
minute on the show. If you want to wrap it
up with this collar in any way you can offer
up some help. She's in uh flip flops, I take it,
(57:02):
miss and uh while she's in this triple marriage and
the furniture is on the furniture whatever you want to
throw at her. Okay, thanks for the notes. Does that
did cut considerably into the final minute of the show.
I think we still have time. Look, there's probably is
(57:22):
there a Cathulhu in the basement of the of the
house HP Lovecraft, the noted writer, was also the architect
of that home, and the beast Cathul who is currently
living in the basement probably getting in the head and
offering demonic visions and utterances that people listening to. Now,
I would get out of that house and uh and
(57:42):
slip on some Red Sox are very comfortable and stylish.
Where should I go? Red Sox dot Com for all
yours sock needs, well only one need, which is if
you need red socks, which you do, because like come on.
I love that tagline. Athe music tells us Marvin that
we're just about at a time. Thank you, caller, if
(58:03):
you'd like to stay on the on the phone there,
Marvin will take your finish up your call after the
show ends. But we do need to wrap things up
here in the studio. What Marvin, Yeah, that's that's a lie.
I don't finish up the calle talking. Oh look, who's home?
My sweetheart? I have to leave? What do you mean
(58:26):
to leave? Drink this? What is drink this to the basement? Okay?
Can we have one less host in the basement? Bring
her to the base? I guess I don't see why not? Wait, Csulu,
you're in the basement now, you're gonna live here forever. Marvin,
(58:46):
are you still there? Whatever you do, don't drink bleach. Okay,
And that's our show for today. Let's thank all of
our alchemists. Oh, Joey Greer, what can you tell us?
What do you want to say? I want to say? Yeah,
got Westside Comedy Theater, pretty pretty pony, we got what
orange tuxedough. We got barrassed by all great shows we
all play over there. Check that out? Check me on
(59:07):
Instagram at Jemmy Greeber. Check out Goodnight my album You're
gonna like it's funds to sketch comedy album with silly
as Ship. The number one album in the country right
when number fucking one. Congratulations on that. James Jeaney, you're
always armed with paper. I've brought some paper out. This
is where you can find me. That's just can't tell
literally the worst thing that's happened to my paper. You know,
one of them to find you? You know your information,
(59:33):
Greig caw I guess, uh maybe Van Morrison's astro weeks. Okay,
I'll go with Ascar Twitter, Vanessa Hope or at donnastu
typewriter on Instagram. Yeah. And Chris Alvarado, You're welcome. That's
exactly right. Let's thank our engineering, the stars, Richard doug By,
(59:55):
our post sound design artist, Raphael break To, and I
heard media it looks so good. I encourage all of
you to write a review. Tell everyone you've ever met
and write to us at your name here, and welcome
to this dot com. Until next time. I'm your host,
Kevin Polla. Remember yes,
Welcome back to another episode a alchemy this I'm your host,
Kevin Pollock, Yes that Kevin Pollock? What's that? Well? You
know what, when the cows do come home, this comment
of yours will seem rather tepid, won't it? But I digress.
Let's meet an Optimists and no particular order? Shall we
say hello to? But that's a raglan. You're trapped on
(00:23):
a deserted island. What is the one collection of music? Oh,
you'd like to have with you? Oh? These collections used
to be called albums. It's much easier to ask. You
know what. This is a really bad one for me.
So you don't have a musical stylings that you particularly enjoy?
Your eclectic? Your taste is eclectic. It's all over the place.
(00:46):
Are you over Judy Garland? I love Judy? We kill
each other on the island. Okay. Then the question shifts
which one of us? And you have to say, Joey,
would you like to make you a mixtape for the island?
I have to say, that's right. The same song on
Loop Grab your Shorts. Craig Atkowski is at the table,
(01:11):
ka cow, what is your deserted island album? You know what?
I'm saying album, so now it's no longer music could
be anything. I think one of those Haunted House records
of Spooky that way. Other people stay the funk off
my Desert Island, that's the beauty. So uh is it
(01:35):
desert island because it's a deserted island? What makes it
a desert? They mean the same thing. Turns out, I
think the British say desert, I mean deserted. So you
thought your face, you thought you were in the UK
for a moment. I know we've got a big UK
listeners do who love the accidents? At least one of
the same suggestions today is from the UK. Hold the
bread between your knees. It's Chris Alvarado, Chris T. Brinkley
(02:00):
of improv. What is your album of Desert Island? Man?
All right, I'm just gonna say it. Just say yeah,
that's Dr Dre's the Chronic boom Ka Boom cut the Grass.
Because they're James Heeney, James g McGee the third. Care
to share your albums? Yes, I do. It would be
(02:22):
it would be that's all the time we have. It
would be alive one from fish Okay, you know what
it's a really good album. It's really good. I meant
to ask you a question. Is that five hours long?
It's it's longer than most albums. But should ever be
(02:43):
how that so easily? See? You just jammed a lot
of different sounds coming out of that. Do they do
they have the nerve to name the tracks? Yeah, of
course they do. There's different songs. No, they aren't different titles.
Oh man, okay, God bless you for your choice. We
(03:04):
live in a free society, or allowed to be wrong.
And but may your car washby clothes if you think
at least it's Joey Greer, joe to the Greer. Oh
what is your album? You know? I'm I'm gonna go
with your own new album? You know my I had
to play my album Goodnight, which is on the Spotify
itune Sam. If you did, I would strip myself immediately.
(03:28):
I would forget that that's who I am. I forget
that I'm listening to myself and then vow to kill
the person on the album. And when I get back
to civilization, I realized that that's me and I've I've
already been dead. That's beautiful, you know what I mean?
That makes sense or Limbiscuit, Anything by Limbiscuit. Those are
my two albums. We'd like to invite you to become
(03:52):
a v I P member of our new Patreon page.
Bonus episodes not available to non members. Oh that's right,
episodes seen available only to you. There's a phone number,
and also that the just v i P s can
call in, leave a message, or put in requestion or
request whatever will reply at one of our regular meetups.
We've got one coming up actually at the house where
(04:14):
we do a live stream. Will tell you all about
it on the social media's Uh, those are only available
to v i P s All kinds of cool ship.
So joined the super core fans by going to Patreon
dot com slash alchemy this. All of today's scenes suggestions
regathered from our listeners emails. If you would like to
submit one, please write to the podcast that your name
here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name here
(04:37):
at alchemy this dot com. Our first scene comes from Dave,
a Patreon v I P. I'm sorry, did I not
mentioned that v I P s get priorities scenes suggestion
into the queue? Because you do, Dave wrote, it made
my day when you use my suggestion unibody body part
group therapy. Yep, it's me, Mr Univall. I don't think
(05:02):
I was here for that. You probably weren't. You might
have been. Thanks for doing that one. Here's my new
scenes suggested, brace Yourselves. Marvin mckugh as an advice call
in radio show host, thanks for all the last checking
his church Dave uh Marvin's So you just sit at
the counter that you've got the headphones and the microphone,
(05:24):
a firm view. That's all you gotta do, Will folle
with the questions to you, and you just first thing
that comes to your mind. Okay. And these real people
calling in, they certainly are yeah, yeah, people from all
over the world, by the way, not just the United States. Okay,
so it might be a different time zone. It could
in fact be a completely different time zone. Okay, so
I should adjust to that. You don't have to adjust anything.
I'll just shoot your question while play the person's asking
(05:47):
the question, and then you just first thing comes to
your mind. Okay, good, because I have a lot of
advice to give you. That please. That's we had a
lot of life experiences. That's why we've hired you. Good good,
or they've hired you. I'm just the engineer. My name
is Doug, Babe. So let's uh when you're ready to
give me a thumbs up. M that's not really a thumb. Okay, well,
I my thumb is mangled. So hello him? Am I
(06:13):
on the air. Oh here's our first caller? Yes, your stage,
your name please, and where you're calling from. Hey, my
name is Donny Carter. I'm calling from Downey, California. Okay,
Mr Carter, what question do you have from Marvin? Well?
Quick little backstory? My wife and I are well, we've
lost the spark frankly, and I just don't want to
(06:34):
lose her. She's a great woman. I just don't baby, Baby,
I'm ordering pizza. I'm ordering pizza. I'll make this quick
if you get something with pepperoni. No, no, no, no,
that's not that's not my question. My question is how
do I bring the fire back to the bedroom? Bring
(06:57):
the used to have a fire there? No, sir, one second, baby, please?
I need I need, I need an answer, I need
it quickly. She's getting angry and I want to suite
her and make sweet sweet love to her. Please give
me lastly's coming over. We're going out you're staying at home.
Can I come? Now? Well that's the issue, isn't it. Yeah?
(07:18):
I can't come. Thanks for nothing. Look, look Danny dunny him.
It's okay, Marvin. We got another call. Okay in the
queue here for you call. Yeah, as it turns out
good one. Uh your name and where you're calling from?
Place by um sean turtle neck, no relation to the
(07:41):
actual clothing one um from I'm calling. I'm from Raleigh,
North Carolina, but I'm calling from New York, New York,
right outside and right outside, right outside now, and I
have a quick time is it there? Right now? It's
it's like six What time is it? Everybody? It's three eighteen? Okay,
So should I call back? Or how did this? Well?
(08:02):
I just want should I call back? Or is there
Doug b What do we do? We'll just go ahead
with the question. Uh, well, this is a time sensitive question.
I don't uh if we're not on the same time,
I don't know what. Okay, Well, let's synchronize. I watching.
Are you analog or digital? Okay? I am digital? All right,
So this is gonna be one two. Okay, what do
(08:25):
you see now? I see right now? It is off
I just turned my watch also off. All right, I
don't know what time it is. That's good. We don't
know what time it is, so both What is your question?
Question is actually more of a statement. It's actually more
of a statement. But all phrase as a question. We
can handle that phrase as a question. That's all right,
just to do it upward inflection. You got it. Red socks, Raleigh,
(08:49):
I'm not wearing socks right now. When we socks, I'm
in New York. When Raleigh, when I wear when I
wear socks, I do prefer red socks. All right, I
am in socks is a sponsor of the Marvin MQ
Show for many years. I'm in New York. I'm a
New York guy. Sox. We do all the thinking for you.
Why I choose a color when it's red red sox?
(09:12):
All right? Marvin? Alright, I remember, Marvin, if you'd like
to save one of these calls, were set up a
special bank and you can name the bank whatever you want. Okay,
So for playing back later. We live on the air
now we are okay, yeah, great, So everyone's hearing you
giving me notes. I don't think these are notes. I'm
(09:37):
taking them his notes. Yes, Yes, is Marvin m you're
on the You're in the Marvin MQ. I'm in the cure.
I'm on the show. You're on the show. I know you.
I'm disguising my voice. I'm trying to Okay, so, uh well,
I didn't expect you to guess so fast. What time
(09:59):
is it where you It's three nineteen? All right, we
are in sync. Okay, it's a pizza on the way.
What do you got? What you got? Where you are?
Where are you calling from? My house? Sure? And your name?
It's a condo? Is that Italian? Is this Marie condo? Oh?
I wish, I hope I could spark joy I'm calling.
(10:23):
I'm calling because I have a crush on someone. I
don't know how to tell them. Okay, that's tough. He
has beautiful ankles. Hm. You know people often compliment me
on my ankles when I'm not wearing my red socks. Yeah,
what what else is about it? Is true about him?
What else is true about him? What a beautiful question.
(10:46):
He's a poet, he's but his feet show it. They're longfellows.
Oh poetry related puns? Am I go to mom? I
I see this fellow at the library on Wednesday. Did
I go to the library on Wednesdays? Is this is
(11:08):
this fellow you're talking about me? If it was question,
how would I get you? How do I get you?
Is that the question? That's my question? Get off the jug. Well,
next time you're at the library, and maybe you need
to send the signal I've been trying. What are some
of the signals you've said? I have you ever noticed
(11:31):
the lady with no teeth? Okay, so you just want
to check this up for two days? You want to
check this up? Please quiet down, don't tell me the show.
Do you hold onto my shirt? Let go? What are
you doing, freak? I'm trying to check out a book
(11:52):
I need. I need this sex guide. Okay, this is
an advice show. Now I'm I'm out of the law business.
Don't need to check this out. This is just a
pamphlet of safe sex. Fact take this old karens are sex?
I love it? Do I still refer to you? Okay?
I don't remember that. Well, well, I apologize if I
(12:15):
treated you that way. It's okay. I I was trying
to create a scene. I didn't deserve your attention, but
I'd love to deserve your attention. Marvin. It sounds like
you've acquired teeth. I've gotten to my nephew. Oh you
got his teeth. No, I wish those are great, they're young.
These are fake. Well, I think you can kiss just
(12:38):
the same regardless, right, I can kiss better with him
out Marvin, Marvin, we were listening to your radio show.
I got pretty pretty fucked up. If I could just
be honest with you. Okay, you got pretty hot again?
Well subjective it was Red Sox upset. The Red Sox
is through the roof. All right, they're pulling sponsorship. Okay,
oh no, oh yes, are you think we're gonna have
(13:00):
our product on this fucking station? I understand, man, understand.
Started sweet, it went sexy, it got filthy. Understand. Look,
we're doing a live radio show here. Okay, it's three eighteen. Alright,
we're doing the best weekend. You talked to that motherfucker? Hey, Dave,
keeping my office for a second. Yeah, what's up? Yeah,
you're in charge of the Red Sox campaign, right, yeah?
(13:23):
On radio? On radio? Yeah? Have you heard the Marvin
MQ show. Well, they did a Red Sox ad. No, okay,
So my wife and I are driving a dinner last
night and this thing. I get it. You're married. Yeah,
I don't mean to bring it up every time you do.
I'm sorry about it. You're not married. Wish I was right,
so I started interrupted. I'm just taking orders for for
(13:43):
chicken or do you want roach of chicken? Because I do,
because you're married, I wanted you're not married' not married?
What do you mean? I'm not married? So just chicken
for us. I'm married, the marriage. I get some food, right,
I'll be back in a minute. Okay, so what's up? Yeah?
The ads are horror the live reads yea horrible. You
need to talk to whoever is in charge of the
station that he works out because my wife is humiliated.
(14:05):
Oh yeah, exactly. I can't have that again to read
those ads A real proa by the name of I
don't know his fucking name. Okay, this is all right.
Listen to people, all right, Like we run a business here.
Everyone's got to be married. Are you married? All right?
Everyone got to be married? Why did you look at me?
I'm married. I'm looking at everyone. You were looking at
(14:26):
me talking to you. I'm just respect you know that
I'm married, ted and my wife is in Canada right now.
I know that, all right, and uh Clark, Uh, well,
I'm I'm I'm just trying to find the right person.
It's I've dated and the thing is married. He was
you were married. I was very shortly married, but it
was it was kicking my leg or what are you doing? Sure,
(14:48):
don't kick my leg? Why don't don't? It's bruising. It's
hard to be married, it is. But we're a company
myself sucks to married people. For Mary, all right, you
married a nut, Clark, I'm no longer married. All right,
we have one last call for you. I'm stepping in
for Doug Paine, who don't worry about it. Where's call
(15:12):
for you? And we're going live. My name's Ebert and
I live in Laramie, Wyoming. Um. My wife, my wife
has been burying things in the backyard and there's people
missing in our neighborhood. What time is it there there?
I mean it's four or fifteen? Okay, Oh, that's strange.
(15:36):
It is strange. Did you not do you not have
one of those devices that automatically resets for daylight saving? No,
it doesn't, it doesn't. Okay, it's a wall clock I'm
looking at and I can't reach it. Alright, half you're wrong.
Do you have it like a step ladder? You can
get on? Sure? Okay, I'll give you time to get
the step. Close your eyes. I'm dragging something through here.
(15:57):
I don't want you to see it. Okay, all right,
I wish did you buy the bleach I asked for? Yeah,
they're bleaches under the sink. Thank you. I'm sorry. That
was my wife. She was tragging some garbage bags across
the floor. And you want to know where the bleach was.
So all your poisons labeled, Well, I don't know if
bleach is really a poison. Try drink against see how
(16:23):
that goes. I'd prefer not to, but I'll give it
a ship that was that was being facetious. Don't drink
the bleach? Well, is there a difference between something being
poisonous and being poisoned? Mr MQ. You realize you're in
some hot water. Yes, this is very relaxing. Well, we
(16:45):
wanted to relax before we sort of let you know
the scope of Parca. Enjoy this hot time. So maybe
your last So I'm sorry. I'm like to please do
not talk to my client until we have spoken. He's
a former he has a former jud right beyond, Jared,
your client got forty people to drink bleach. They think themselves.
(17:10):
I double there you on the air, and people can
be dead triple times if they'd like. My client is
a four judge. Jared's my roy Cone. Well, I don't,
I don't. Hey, Cindy thinks for coming back to my place.
I a quick little nightcap for us, if that's cool. Well,
I was listening to a radio show and I got
(17:32):
a little tip about something that might be spicy. Okay,
give me one second. Okay, close your eyes. Okay, Sean,
what the hell? What do you do in my apartment? Dude?
You said like a crash or what I need to hear?
Can I help? In my eyes? Eyes closed for one
Secon brought a date hearing me. I want to open
(17:53):
my eyes. Just hold on real quick. What the hell
is it? What do you have? Any of course? I
got bleached? Want to drinking it? Almost man with the help? Fine, Okay,
this is my but he's my butler. He's my butler. Curious,
I need this, I work out need this. He's my butler.
(18:15):
And I was he was gonna make this up a drink? Yeah,
can I and how does that concern me? Exactly? Because
ultimately they drank the bleach well I said on the show,
I'm being facetious. Don't drink bleach. I had to step back,
triple dogs. Excuse me, excuse me. I had to step
(18:35):
out for a minute. I did not hear what you said. Okay,
so I am back now all right? Where did you
go to go out? I had to excrete myself, Thank
you very much. I didn't want tolf Yes I did. Okay,
you're an embarrassment. Am. I won't even pass the bar. No,
I didn't, but I got over it. Now let me
tell you something right now. It's a reptilian. He's gonna
ship his skin like every hour. I can't help that.
I'm from a different planet. But I'm like you. Your
(18:57):
lawyer isn't a lawyer. He isn't lawyer? Galaxies. Where's the
hologram part? I don't see any hologram points? Do you
have one? Can we get a hologram port? I don't
run the case SPA and there is no hologram port
that I'm aware of. Excuse me. My tail is full enough.
Can we get more bubbles here? There should be bubbly.
(19:20):
I'm again. I don't run the case, hit the bubble buttons.
You're in big trouble, Marvin. We have time for just
one more call. Great, great, So I'm back on the air.
You are, yes, of course, good. Yeah, we've we've been
on the AirLand this whole time. Of course. Yeah. But
my mind has been wondering. Yes, there's a calling now,
(19:41):
Yes you are. You're on with Marvin mcque. The butler
and the guy is dating there on the floor, and
he said, okay, okay, i'd call a poison control center.
What's happening. What happened? Yeah, you'll know what's to do.
They were making a night cocktail, a cock to nightcap,
(20:05):
and the butler. The butler was wearing boxes and he
was reaped, and I was like, oh my god, and
I like I was gonna cheers, and I cheers, but
I didn't drink it. You just from a dream, I
don't think. So you're describing things that were happening. Now,
it happened like three minutes at all. Where are you
calling from. I'm calling from Alaska. Oh what time is it? There?
(20:29):
To fifteen? Wow? That is early, it's late. It's okay?
Is still light out. It's always like that, when is
it going to be night? Marvin? And why is the
butler dying? So the question first and foremost is when
is it going to be nice? Well, uh, okay, I
(20:54):
think six months, Like if wait six months, it's gonna
be nice. Okay. And then the butler question, Oh he's dead?
Are you curious how she has a butler? I don't
have a butler. Actually I was on a date. It
was the second so I go back to the guy's place.
But it wasn't It was his place, but the butler
was there. But the butler was in a mood. But now,
(21:17):
but now every they're both. I just moved to Lasco
last month, and this is like not what I wanted. Okay,
I'd get out of there. Okay. It sounds like the call,
rather than to the Marvin MQ Show is to nine
one one. Can you do that? Sure? I can switch
you over? Okay, hold for nine one one operator? Please?
(21:39):
No one too? Oh no, I'm trying to call one
forget great? Can you transfer me? Yeah? I guess what
his name? Want to do? Can you help me this?
Of course I can help you. No one to Okay,
I'm in Alaska. There's two dead people here? Can I
write this down? To go on? What are you writing it?
I'm running down to dead people? What else you need? Quickly?
(22:00):
A pen? Yes, I'm more of a computer. We don't
get that kind of well, well, well if it isn't
the nine one two pussies just trying to do. Is
our cafeteria one boys here, the real emergency boys. Sometimes
sometimes they need an overflow and we do a good
(22:21):
job with it. Oh is that right? Who told you
to get out of here? You little son of a bitch? Alright? Pop?
Quiz that one too? Someone gets shot? What do you do?
Write it down? So alright, that's pretty good. Okay, so
you got one right? What about fucking building fire? Second?
There's a building fire caused by fucking Is that what
you're saying? What are you talking about? We don't. We don't.
(22:43):
I never said you did. I don't even. We don't
even we both have we hold up. Let's let's write
this down. Okay, I'm gonna write this now. No, no
hull came right now? Is a friendly hug? Is that? Okay?
(23:04):
Make a note of that fucking hug. Fucking huck, fucking huck. No,
excuse me, librarian, I wouldn't renew this sex pamphlet. Yes, again,
it's just a pamphlet. Excuse me, excuse me. I'm trying
to renew this sex family. You don't need to renew it.
It's it's just a hello. Oh, I dropped my teeth.
(23:29):
Excuse me when I picked him up? And I'm going
to call look great, down on my butt hole? Man,
I'm gonna call security. No, you're not what is this monstrosity?
Marguerite one one? You can? Can you transform your nine
one to well? Do really quick? Be sure I can't
help you out. Maybe there's a woman over here's one
(23:52):
for sure, alright, and we're transferring now. Hello, Okay, there's
no one on the line. It's still me. I think
I think I can handle it. So you're not well,
there's a woman here who dropped her teth and she's
showing her but it's hard, that's but but but how
can I help you you by transforming? And I want
(24:12):
to please, all right, find trans right now? Thank you? Yes,
I have a woman here is showing her teeth and
her buttle showing her teeth, she's losing her teeth and
then her buttles being shown picking my ankles. I just
need someone, Okay, let me just quick. I'm a little confused,
but whole teeth and I can't think of a better
(24:32):
way transition to a live read ADS. It's gonna be
super excited to find themselves placed so gently. I believe Chris,
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(24:53):
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(25:36):
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prices because Cast cuts out the middleman and sells directly
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hell did they do that? Size box? Free shipping and
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Let me try that again. You can be sure? Come on,
(26:21):
you got this. You can be sure of your purchase
with Casper's one hundred night risk free sleep on it trial. Joey,
what does that mean to you? Sleep on a trial?
Sleep on a trial means that you can sleep on
Let's see if it fits your body, and if you
sleep well with it, you keep it. If you don't.
Hundred nights and think of how many days that is
(26:44):
the overseas the trial, Yes, yes, there is. Would you
like to be on the jury. Yes, that's why you're asking.
All right, take a number. Uh now, Joey, I'm gonna
come to you for this personal experience because you guys
got a Asper mattress. We did, so roll out the
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(27:06):
shows up at your shows up at your door. Crazy,
pop it open, the mattresses in there, and then in
there it's rolled up. It's insane, it's nuts. And then
you cut it open and the mattresses there and just
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wherever it's a mattress and you sleep on it immediately.
It's fantastic. Immediately. Yeah, you can go to bed right
(27:26):
then and there. It's crazy. That is a little bananas.
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(27:48):
hundred dollars towards Select mattresses by Casper dot com slash Alchemy,
and thank you for supporting this show. Alright, let's start
with CE number two. I've got your attention? Hey why not? Um?
Oh this is good. This actually comes from Realm from
the UK, who who wrote, Hi, I have been listening
(28:12):
to you guys show for quite a while. Now I
have you guys to thank for keeping me sane during
soul crushing finals, and now that I've graduated, I guess
we get credit for that, right right, soul crushing work. Joking.
I love my job really, Mostly, I have to say,
it amazes me still how much you guys are able
(28:32):
to derail every single scenario that suggested. I mean, for example,
a kid's TV show ending with a psychological damage nine
year old who thinks he's an octopus unintentionally killing himself.
I think we all remember that, right enough, set, I
find myself pondering about various scenarios to pitch, and then
(28:53):
he offered like seven different choices. I chose the one
least like any other scene would ever done before. And
it goes like this. An alien couple who has spent
a lifetime watching Earthlings finally lens and tries to pest
themselves off as human. Keep doing what you guys do best,
m from England. All right, so this is the last
(29:14):
house we're gonna show you. This looks fantastic. Yeah. Um,
as you can see, the entryway is quite sizeable, are you?
I'm just I love this house. I would love to
cook food that I will eat with my mouth and
digestive system here. Look, I'm a lawyer, okay, and I
want to get this house. What kind of law practice?
(29:35):
In several galaxies? Okay? I don't want to yes, all right,
I don't want to brag. Have you ever noticed when
you're eating food that your taste buds on your tongue
can help you taste the food. I love that about
my body. Are you guys? Hungry? That your way of
saying I would love to eat you. I would love
to rip your flesh from your body to me, and
we'd love to eat food at the grocery. Yeah. Do
(30:00):
you want to see some of the bedrooms? And there's
upstairs only we bring our own pods. I sleep upside
down and I sweat in the night a riot. Okay.
So that was to number two's and you still haven't
told me your drink order yet. I probably, uh what
slurpian a slurpie? You know what we've done. No, no, no, no, no,
(30:21):
span babe, what are you doing? What are you doing?
What are you doing? What are you doing? We wanted
to live here? Yeah, yeah, okay, so I made concession. Yet, yeah,
I said I was gonna tearrible lot to be able
to breathe this oxygen. Yet I recognize that accident. You
can't say that, of course I can say that. Of course,
two of the most popular human drinks on the menu. Okay, yes,
where are you guys from Jersey? I'm from a galaxy
(30:42):
far oh man. I recognize that anywhere from the hotpoon system. Ye.
Do you know many cases I got back on the
hotpoon system? They don't do this. I'll do this this right,
do right? Two? Number two is too human drinks and
(31:02):
uh napkin to wipe holes and from our skin is
gonna fall off. We do not need a napkin. We
have to use a napkin. Okay, here, it's all it's
outside here, it's thirteen forty two. Please you'll see that
couple over there by the counter. Yeah, they're bad, they're
they're just are you looking at them? Well, I mean
undernath their skin looks like you talk to us anymore
(31:25):
for us an the restaurant. I'm just saying there's some
creeping family for us. I'm not oh my, because I
got two jobs now, I'm too good for y'all home.
I think that's something that's going on. Also, because you
got the Dr Phil vitamins. Look, I can afford what
I can afford, or you can buy your own damn
Dr Watch. I ain't God, dammit, Claire, I'm not gonna
(31:50):
be a city bitch like that. All right, I'm I'm dad.
You're scaring us. Look, no one believes that you saw
a sliging saucer. No one believes it's from a harpoon galaxy.
No one believes you can feel the the electro mechantic
waves and energy. We love you, We love you. I
know what I saw, Okay, And I'm sorry. If I'm
(32:12):
ruining Thanksgiving, you're not ruining it. We're just we're scared.
We're scared that you're losing your mind. You're you're scared.
I'm scared they're infiltrating our town. And I'm scared that
the sweet potatoes are getting cold. So let's just Stacy,
You're not blood family, Okay. I cannot listen to you
say that door. Hello, how do you do? Oh? Yeah, look,
(32:39):
I just needed tomorrow some turkey because we sell break.
You know what I can do one better. We can
borrow you some turkey inside, borrow me something turkey inside. Hey,
Hi guys, Okay, okay, sorry, we're sorry about this. The
aliens that came right out of that flying point at me.
(33:00):
I don't know. This is our grandfather. He's my dad.
Some sweet potato pie. I do it with marshmallows, but
I got another version without marshmallows in the oven. It
can go either way. I would like to eat that
grandfather's eyes. It might be my eye. He's he's a lawyer.
(33:20):
But it's not funny. All right. A couple of things.
My dad, his grandfather, is not feeling well today. Okay. Also,
Cyndy over here is not actually related to us. She's
a family friend. That's a family friend. I am married. Still.
Grandpa's money, that's what's really happening. I love him, we
have been married for thirty eight years. I'm not after
his money. He doesn't have money. All right. Oh here
(33:42):
comes mom turkey money here it is. Everybody, be careful.
This is very hot Grandpa. You usually uh, you usually
cut the turkey, don'ty, We will just eat it as is.
Usually they're obviously a question. Who's got ten fingers on
their hands? Look at all that we have so much
(34:03):
in common? You did, but she ate that one off
last night like an idiot. You're supposed to keep him all.
That's what they do, keep getting the way of my
goddamn nor my hands. We gotta here at the Sclusive family,
we say grace before we eat. Mom, he just ate
the whole fucking turkey, and I'm we're you know what,
We're not going to let that ruin. Thanks getting to
(34:27):
thank I got that extra sweet potato canst rolling, Yeah,
thank you, thank you everybody for coming to Um. I
saw an alien and no one's believed me and my
family anonymous. What's the acronym of game for that alien?
I saw an alien and no one believes me and
my my family anonymous. So uh, I just want us
to know that everyone here is in a safe place
(34:48):
and that um you know, if you know, what are
you gonna do to stop him? Well, I mean it's
cold listening right now that we're building. I feel like
that's what it is. Uh, and sir, I have a
you don't don't need to say into the background. Um,
but uh yeah, so uh you know, I think I
think the best thing we can do to stop and
just make sure that that we stay human. You know,
(35:10):
I think that's a great idea. Look, as the treasurer
of the I S A A N B M A,
I feel that we could use a little more funding,
a little more funding for therapy, for therapy. I have
a question. So, like one of your frowns, I'll talk
about saying my son, comma alien. They're also taking these
(35:31):
rominans that I got off to. Man. They like that, man,
and they like that. You know, I'm not I'm not
a goddamn alien because I'm all right. Can we break
it up? Actually, she does bring up a good point.
I think we should all care do the proof or
not an alien movement? Obviously we know aliens cannot uh clap,
(35:55):
so clap. I don't know, I don't know how they're made. Okaye,
claps go around the room, clops go around the room.
All right, we are safe. We're safe. Well, they can
touch their hands together, they just don't have rhythm. That's
exactly right. Welcome. So I guess the clap is kind
of I never considered clap rhythm. That's always more than
(36:17):
who's here? Ever seen the movie The Thing? Corrosa film critic?
Anyone ever seen the Thing? Everybody has unlock paths of lifestyles.
You're the poor sum of bit I've ever seen my
goddamn alright, alright, no more? You know the I S
A A, N B M A is a place of support.
(36:40):
Now we have a new member who walked in. We'd
like to hear his name. Welcome him. He sounds like
an alien, by the way, he's not welcome. That's a
good one. My name is Rick. I live right here
in town. Uh uh, I live on Waveland. Let's go,
(37:03):
let's go, let's go. Should we go? Should we do
the meeting there? Why we're all here? Now? Why wouldn't
we go to another place? It's probably actually got a recline?
Or won't you Rick? Anyway, I'm not sure if this
is the right meeting. I think it might be. Are
you feeling pressure from your family? Do they not believe
the things that you've seen? Well, they didn't. But then
two aliens came to dinner and clearly revealed themselves of
(37:27):
alien and now people in my family. Yeah, listen, you can't.
You can't walk BArch into this, into the sacred room
and then lie to our faces. Alien did his ass
what they look like? Well, they look like people. Okay,
what would it tell tales that? Well one of them
(37:50):
sucked an entire turkey into his mouth? What my mouth?
I'm a serman, you know what? Maybe you were right, sir.
Maybe this isn't the place for you. Which group is this? Damned?
You look so upset? Did they not believe you at
the meeting? No? I need now to join a support
group for but it sounded like the perfect group of people.
(38:14):
You were right? How much more right can we tell
you you were? Those aliens should get the funk out
of our neighborhood. Thank you, Thank you for always on
his side for what it's worth it. Maybe your stepmother, Becky,
you are my own age, Okay, so I don't want
to call your stepmother. Well I've been around for thirty
four years, so yeah, you're thirty four years old. That's great.
I'm so em kidding. I'm kidding. That wasn't funny? Well,
(38:36):
would you know what else to say? That wasn't funny? Okay,
that wasn't funny. Thank you do command coming into aliens.
Please receive communication. Yeah, we got it. Communication. You have
six hours. Still everything goes there a issue with the transmission.
(38:57):
There seems to be some break in between that would
want kaboom kaboom. We need a big kaboom in six hours?
M or is the kaboom being generated by an external aliens?
External external aliens doing this message? Who's that messages? It's
me scorn. Yeah, ship must be going down if you
doing messages? All right, get up my back. Six hours
(39:19):
till kabood? Score? Can you came him into my office?
But yeah, what's up? Um? I just read the transcripts
back from the message you sent down to clinking and
spanking on the earth surface. Yeah, yeah, what's this kaboom?
I'm not great at my job. Well, my uncle works here,
(39:40):
obviously you know him, and he's given me a shot.
Yeah yeah, No, Reggie's the reason you got this job.
There's no question about that. I'm not confident in my abilities.
Well let's work on that. That's what I'm trying to do. Yeah.
So the first thing I would do is take your
hands away from your mouth. Oh yeah, see now you
can speak a little more freely. Try to take a
boom now ka boom see much less. Uh. Look, I
(40:02):
can't just get you a job. Okay, I've got you
got another nephew or whatever the funk it is in there. Okay,
so just do your work and if you get it,
if you get up, you get up. All right. Let
me get some more terse and crystals please? Thank you?
Are you married? Yes, I'm married. Yes. Look, if you
want a job, you're gonna have to get it yourself.
I can't just keep pushing family members through. All right.
I need a job. You're gonna have to get it
(40:24):
your uncle. Can I get some more rise and crystals?
Uncle from a third reptile? Okay, we're not that close. No,
my mother said that you guys were so close and
then you had that balling out and I need it
all well we fell out. Okay, I ate two birds
this morning. Can I get some tursey and crystals? Please?
All right? Just follow my lead. Hi, we're aliens. Um.
(40:49):
Can we order a number dash dash dash Yeah, I'll
have a dash dash dash as well. This is going well,
this is going well. Get shirt? Uh? Yes, please? Do
you want to take this one phil that went well,
(41:13):
that went well, that's somehow he understood me. No, we
are in okay, now we have five hours, gets you
boys a drink? Yeah, we'll take the most popular alien drinks.
You got it. We're not from Earth. Nope. Five hours
until we made this whole place go operation boom. We
(41:33):
were trusted with this gig. Okay, this looks delicious, This
does look good. I don't do we put it in
our mouths? Excuse me? Where does this go? What do
you mean that's right? Are you asking? If it just
it's because it's kind of gassy and floating and I
wasn't you know, we'll just pull out your nipple tube? Right?
(41:57):
Does you want to try something? I have to have
his appens. We can't access our our nipple. To access
your nipple tupes for you boys us a few dolls
extra access to nipple. But we don't have a nipple tube.
That's the bad part. American dollars right right, of course,
(42:19):
not American dollars that would be observed. Let me take that. Yes,
I have it. Okay, well, also have you with me?
If you want to access your nipple tubes, you're gonna
have to what's going on? Everything? Alright, Crystal? Now these
are trying to access you know, they want me to
(42:40):
access to the nipple tubes because they say they keep
tailors all the time. The gas stuff is flowing, and
he's trying to give me American currency and he's talking
about I don't have American Let me see your back
hooks are back hooks? All right? Jig's up? We accelerate.
What were you coming? Puss the ball for our final
(43:09):
scene today. It comes from Haley, who wrote, my sister
and I finally convinced our widowed mother to move closer
to us. After two years of bugging her, she finally
put her house on the market. The problem is she
put it on the market for twice what it's worth.
We asked her to rethink it, but she refuses. Also
recently informed me that she does not plan to leave
(43:30):
the house when potential buyers come to view, and will
just move to the next room when they come in.
She said. I told her that was insane, and now
she's mad at me. I would love to hear a
funny spin I'll bet you would on this really frustrating situation.
I recently got a promotion, so I can't listen to
podcasts all day at work anymore like I used to.
(43:52):
But I've kept Alchemy this on my list of faiths,
and I always listen when I can keep up the
good work. Thanks Alchemists. Haley from Austin, uh So, we're
going to show you the house. This looks like an
r V. This looks like an r V. There is
no way there's three bedrooms. I don't want to have
a bad attitude, but I'm not gonna waste my time
(44:14):
going into this mobile. We can afford what we can afford,
and we can afford this. We try to enjoy that
train card design. Cute. It's on a foundation. You'll be
able to own the land for ninety nine years. What
shill certainly will be your lifetimes. What happens what happens
at the end of the term. But wait a second,
(44:34):
don't even think about that. Shouldn't it just be ours
to give to our kids? Sure, and they can have
it to the end of the ninety nine years, and
then it will come back to the state. To the state.
Is this a rental? No, No, let's purchase. But the
land itself is always owned by the This is our
first time homebuyers. And that's fine, that's fine, head. I
didn't understand. It doesn't make a lot of sense. I understand,
(44:57):
But we'll walk you through the whole process. Let's go
in and take a look. I do have to tell
you when we go inside. Well, god, damn, looking at here, huh.
I was just about to tell them that your mother's
would probably let me tell you something right now, don't
have any Dr Phil pills, all right. That's just gonna
ruin your bank accounts, gonna ruin your skin. Look at this.
This is Dickie. He's the owner's son. Much chess. Look
at this chess. Yeah, he will not be here time.
(45:22):
He won't be here when you own the house. He's
just here now. So you gotta look past a few things.
I'm planning on din here before y'all come in, and
I'm gonna burying myself on the property, all right. Dickie
recently started a profession as a stand up comedian. Is
this some of your material? Not? Yeah, I don't want
to burn what I do for free, just off your
comedy albums. So this is the foyer, I guess. Yeah,
(45:43):
we're in the fire now and again, Dickie won't be
here when you want. Okay, this is larger than I
thought it would be from the outside. Please don't touch
any of those standing pools water, thank you very much.
I hadn't noticed those. Um there's there seems to be
a little plumbing issue over here. This, it turns out
not plumbing issues. That sounds like a plumbing issue of
(46:06):
just recently redone all I mean plumbing. If it's mine,
I think we should. Yeah, I think we should. Thank
you so sure you the master sweet, it's pretty outstanding.
Tell you what before you go, and I'm fine if
you want to go. We want to take a peek
at the Master Swite. It's it's what we call the closer. Okay,
all the way out here? Are you sure? Show us
(46:27):
the Master Swiss down this hole. It's a longer hole
than I can get from the outside. Just really looks
like an RV, I know, but it's it's big. I
didn't know you could fit so many reptiles in here.
Feast your eyes on the Oh my god, oh my god,
that smell. Smell. I mean, the view is beautiful, but
(46:49):
the it's a it's a over a while ago overwhe Yeah,
it's a human carcass. You're smelling right there. Oh my god,
thank you for the We got everybody in my past
but lost another one. Okay, this is great. You know
I'm trying to sell your mom's place because that's what
(47:09):
she wants. Yeah, exactly, So I need help from the family.
You got it. I said, y'all could come in and
when we appreciate that because you get Dickie to go
somewhere else. No, no, he lives here, I understand. And
also the urine puddles. If there's anything we can do
with the urine puddles, I could tell him to try
(47:30):
to make it more in the corner. That's a start,
you know what, That's a start. I've got the oh
my goodness to out front. They gotta be out front
by now. Please don't no the next if you lock
it down, the fants are fucking here, sweetheart. I think
this purchase will save our marriage. Frankly, I'm looking for
anything to save the marriage. Well, you were also looking
(47:51):
for your secretary and you found her. Look that's in
the past, Cynthia. That's not happening anymore. Okay, I cut
it off. She still were for me, but we're not
sleeping together. Are you looking at each other? Well, occasionally
we have to look at each other and yeah, well
this will help. Buying a new home will help a
fresh start. Okay, I love you. I'm hello. Hello, Hello, Okay, great,
(48:16):
I'm sorry, I'm late. Sorry, I'm late. I hear the turners. Yes,
where are the turners? Martha? Martha? And great? So sorry
I realized I called you Cynthia earlier. My secretary's name.
I'm sorry, Martha. Yes, this is my wife, Martha, my
secretary name Cynthia. She's not here to do the time.
(48:38):
And I'm letting it slide because that was Call me
on it. Call me on it the next time I
do it. Sorry, I gotta take I gotta take this. Okay. Well,
so hey, having some problems at the office. Oh do
I need to be there if I'm gonna get fucked? Okay, okay,
(48:58):
I'm I just got to do this. I'm gonna do
this thing for Cynthia, I mean, Martha. I love it
when you call him my name. It's legitimately alright. So
I was just okay, just telling Martha that, um. The
home itself is it's actually built in nineteen twenties by
(49:21):
the architect, the HP HP HP the architect built it. Yes,
so you're gonna know some things aren't as aligned as
they should be. But the aesthetic is gorge So it's
a it's a natural history monument. It's a natural Yeah, yeah,
I do, I do. I sorry, I I do. Gotta
get to the office pretty soon. What do you do?
What do you do? I'm I'm alwayer. Oh fantastic. I
(49:44):
love law all right, so I'll make excuse me. And
it was littally inappropriate and I'm not trying to be
rude or start anything. But we're in a rocky position
right now, and you being flirty doesn't help the situation.
Just show us the house, okay. So yeah, we're hoping
that buying this house will save our marriage. Great, you
(50:04):
must get that. A lot that happens, A lot that
happen a lot. Have you seen it work? Yes? Yes, so, yes,
it works. I'm sorry, I gotta, I gotta take this. Yes, so, hey,
I got a big problem. Oh well, what's the problem?
I got an empty body? Cavity? Oh which cavity is it?
(50:26):
There's actually three? Three? Alright, mine wondering. So I'm gonna
need you to get over here and fill these suckers up. Okay,
all right, okay, I just gotta do this thing for
I don't actually care about the square footage. I'm looking
for a marriage repair. Okay, just catching up here, What
(50:47):
did I miss? So we're just going over the other
bones of the of the home, just so you know
who are they? Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay, okay,
says Mrs Williams. Okay, she is one of the home
woman thing. It's a live human is a live Mrs Williams. So, God,
it's like they've seen seven. There's smoke committed. Yes, she's
(51:11):
a smoke her. So this home is owned by her
and just because of hops, I am about to Mrs So,
she's in hospital. She can't be moved. Okay, she's got
to stay inside the like HP Lovecraft. Yes, did you
know you're familiar with She's always thought of people knew
(51:32):
him to lose the master of the basement. Don't go downstairs,
that's right. So the basement it's a little flooded, and uh,
it seems that there is an abyss down there. We've
we sent a drone and it's gone down hundreds and
hundreds of feet without everyone will take it. Okay, we're
trying to say great, Yes, you got to get to
the office. There's some there's a lot of holes that
(51:54):
need to be filled. Baby, Thank you for taking the
first step. I appreciate it. Three exactly. I definitely know
what two of them are. Mr Turner. Mr. Can I
just talk to you before you get into your office? Yes? Yes,
what what? What is it? I just want to say,
I thank you so much for helping me with my case.
Thank you so much help. When was that? When did
I help you last week? Right? Good? You got me
(52:17):
off paying ten thousand dollars I mean so much to me. Okay,
but then you gotta pay us? Right well I already did. Yes,
of course you did you. I took my fee and
gat So what did you want? I just wanted to
thank you so much. I really, I'm sorry. I gotta
get it. I understand that you under staying that. Sorry.
I just just thank you again. You are so kind
and such a The butt is one of them. Sorry. Sorry,
(52:39):
I'm so just thinking. Okay, uh, just can I get
your ear for just a second. I got this case.
I just can't get the ear. Interesting, I just can't
close this case. Yeah, I need a little help of
the closing argument, is what I'm saying. Have you tried
Frankly versus Arkansas? Yes, that's perfect. There you go, Thank
(53:00):
you so much, Mr Turner. It's just that I've got
I've got to take the rest of the day off
because I've got to go to the dentist and get
this cavity. Yes, good, good, take the rest of the
day off. Yes, okay, Hey you lawyer boy, Hey, get
the funk out of my way. Hold on, hold my
(53:21):
eye fell out? Okay, j Yeah, all right, and I
gotta just opened to alien stick your eye and yeah
they did. God dave me the first time. We've got
a class action suit going on right now. But there's
there's a hot shot guy coming in from Galaxy seven.
You know they have an alien lawyer represent well, of
(53:42):
course they do, I guess. So well, anyway, do you
mind about just gonna sack up here and just take
a little nap outside your front door cooler? Sure? Yeah,
as long as you're outside. What it surpleause you? If
I told you? Okay, are you in side my head
right now? You will forever be tortured for your no. No,
(54:07):
oh god, I'm glad you're moved here, alright cthi cthing
out here? Oh god, what did you do? What happened
to happen? So Martha feel free, of course to bring
(54:28):
in whatever referring do you want, but it would have
to be on top of Mrs Williamson's furniture. And there's
been a little issue. Okay, my husband's gone missing. Okay,
but you're still gonna pay for the home. Well if
there's no if there's no husband, then there's no marriage,
and there's no marriage, that there's no home. Okay, I
just all right, okay, yeah, that's fine. It's not fine,
(54:50):
and that's okay to say it's not fine. It's not
fine because I needed this. I need what do you need?
I just needed to sale. Do you need the money? Yeah?
I have had a lot of money. I'm not gonna
take your money. I'll give your money. I just don't
have a great love. And that's something I'm coming to
terms with. What is what do you love myself? For
(55:11):
the first time that why don't you spend money on that? Well,
the first thing I want to buy is whatever you
want to own? Money buy you something? Is this house
on the market I'm sorry interrupting. Nothing nothing, nothing, Yes,
this house is on the market. It was actually just
put up. It's a great place. I only have one handkerchief.
(55:33):
Can you guys share it to wipe your eyes? It's
a great place. Are you married? I'm no, I'm not married,
but I'm looking for a little place to make my own.
We're all looking, we're all looking. What's happening? I think
a love connection. You want to marry you and I
want to marry you. Can you? What do you say?
(55:57):
You're a single woman? I'm a single woman. Colored you
around the air? What's what's your problem? I'm in the
triple marriage in a hunted house, and we have our
furniture stacked on the other people's, which I thought wasn't
gonna be a big gilt, but it really is a
bumber because the chairs are wobbling and and the other
women love each other more than me. But I said yes,
(56:19):
and I sunk forty grand into this. Okay, we got
this question a lot. Okay, what do we do? What
time is it? There? Two? You just missed smoking ted?
What two minutes late to light one up? I don't
(56:39):
know what to do? Okay, Well, what are you wearing
on your feet right now. This episode is brought to
you by Red Sox because there are other colors, but like,
are there really Red Sox Marvin, we just got another
minute on the show. If you want to wrap it
up with this collar in any way you can offer
up some help. She's in uh flip flops, I take it,
(57:02):
miss and uh while she's in this triple marriage and
the furniture is on the furniture whatever you want to
throw at her. Okay, thanks for the notes. Does that
did cut considerably into the final minute of the show.
I think we still have time. Look, there's probably is
(57:22):
there a Cathulhu in the basement of the of the
house HP Lovecraft, the noted writer, was also the architect
of that home, and the beast Cathul who is currently
living in the basement probably getting in the head and
offering demonic visions and utterances that people listening to. Now,
I would get out of that house and uh and
(57:42):
slip on some Red Sox are very comfortable and stylish.
Where should I go? Red Sox dot Com for all
yours sock needs, well only one need, which is if
you need red socks, which you do, because like come on.
I love that tagline. Athe music tells us Marvin that
we're just about at a time. Thank you, caller, if
(58:03):
you'd like to stay on the on the phone there,
Marvin will take your finish up your call after the
show ends. But we do need to wrap things up
here in the studio. What Marvin, Yeah, that's that's a lie.
I don't finish up the calle talking. Oh look, who's home?
My sweetheart? I have to leave? What do you mean
(58:26):
to leave? Drink this? What is drink this to the basement? Okay?
Can we have one less host in the basement? Bring
her to the base? I guess I don't see why not? Wait, Csulu,
you're in the basement now, you're gonna live here forever. Marvin,
(58:46):
are you still there? Whatever you do, don't drink bleach. Okay,
And that's our show for today. Let's thank all of
our alchemists. Oh, Joey Greer, what can you tell us?
What do you want to say? I want to say? Yeah,
got Westside Comedy Theater, pretty pretty pony, we got what
orange tuxedough. We got barrassed by all great shows we
all play over there. Check that out? Check me on
(59:07):
Instagram at Jemmy Greeber. Check out Goodnight my album You're
gonna like it's funds to sketch comedy album with silly
as Ship. The number one album in the country right
when number fucking one. Congratulations on that. James Jeaney, you're
always armed with paper. I've brought some paper out. This
is where you can find me. That's just can't tell
literally the worst thing that's happened to my paper. You know,
one of them to find you? You know your information,
(59:33):
Greig caw I guess, uh maybe Van Morrison's astro weeks. Okay,
I'll go with Ascar Twitter, Vanessa Hope or at donnastu
typewriter on Instagram. Yeah. And Chris Alvarado, You're welcome. That's
exactly right. Let's thank our engineering, the stars, Richard doug By,
(59:55):
our post sound design artist, Raphael break To, and I
heard media it looks so good. I encourage all of
you to write a review. Tell everyone you've ever met
and write to us at your name here, and welcome
to this dot com. Until next time. I'm your host,
Kevin Polla. Remember yes,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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