November 21, 2019 • 60 mins
Med School Grads Celebrate; A Funeral With Surprises; Objection During A Royal Wedding.
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode Alchemy. This I'm your host,
Kevin Pollock. Yes, that Kevin Pollock was that. Well. If
the adage what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas were upheld,
then all the future losers wouldn't hear about all the
winner's stories and not be as compelled to play. This
game of chance in Vegas would close in a month.
(00:23):
But I digress. Let's meet our alchemists, shall we? In
no particular order? Say hello? But that's a ragling Venetia.
Tell me the truth about marsh Mellows. That is the truth.
And finally someone had the guts to say it, taking
me it's James Eney, Johnny Jimbo Jackson. Is it true
you once kissed a horny toad for luck? Not for luck,
(00:46):
not for luck, for lust, No, no for for a trip,
if for an experience. It didn't work, It was just
a regular toad. Already skip to the Lewis Greg Kakowski
cow care to share a memory from that time in Vegas? Oh,
when I won everything? You losers should try and get there.
(01:09):
It's a one hour flight from l A. Seven minutes
in the air recalibrate the thermostat Chris Savarado was heating
it up in here all rights. Since life, too is
a game of chance, how much would you bet on
James Heeney? All of it? That's it. He's a favorite
and last a contrary, but last. But may your shoelaces
(01:35):
be tied to a wild board if you think at
least there's Joey greer jokey, what's the smallest monetary laws
you incurred from a wager? All right, we'd like to
(01:59):
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(02:20):
at one of our new regular video Q and a
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by going to patreon dot com slash alchemy. This that's
Patreon dot com slash alchemy this. All of today's scenes
(02:41):
that justtions were gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd
like to submit yours, please right to the podcast at
your name here at alchemy this dot com. I love
responding to them all, and I do. We've had some
nice conversations, so thank you for participating by going to
your name here at alchemy this dot com. Our first
income from listener Michael. In fact, he wrote, Hey, Kevin
and a T Team. I learned today I can't listen
(03:04):
to the show while eating lunch at work anymore. I
think it was a noodle in the nose. I laughed
so hard I spit out a mouthful of spinach of
the green scene suggestion. You're all graduating from med school,
heading off to your various residency assignments. However, as you
(03:26):
drink away celebrating before you begin the next harrowing phase
of doctor ing, you realize some of you aren't as
prepared to save lives as you thought. Keep up the
good work from Michael Parlotto, who, by the way, is
our newest Welcome Michael. You can have that as a
(03:51):
sound bite, Michael. We'll ship that to your next Hey,
who's like, who's got the bourbon and vodka? Invoking for Lisa?
Thank you? All right, shots all around, gentlemen, we deserve
Wait a minute, a duge that that kind of shots?
(04:11):
Doctor killed there? Why are you sober? I don't drink? Great?
All right, that's so good. That's great that we're gonna
hit off Jimmy's vape. No, I'm sober, sober, sober, so sober, sober.
He's only sober for a month. No, that's that's not true.
I had a real bout with drugs and alcohol and
(04:33):
shot of penicilla. That's unbelievable. That let's get another shot.
I think before we do, I think it's been nice
to just left my panties in the bathrooms. Oh gosh.
I just feel like we're at a certain level, at
a certain level that if we're called to action, we
(04:56):
need to be ready for you think you're gonna get
called in the emergency room right now. Perhaps we don't
have residencies yet, but we already had residencies. We're going
to We took an oath, guys. I've got the drinks
to the table, let me put these down the water
for you, and we're ready to take any order for food.
If anybody's ready to order sticks. All right, I'm a vegetarian. Okay,
(05:21):
well we are sticks. We'll bring the primary cuffs and
then we have a primary cuffs. Puff me up. Now.
Usually I usually trolled the waiter after i've food, throw
away the meat. I would tell you what I forgot
in the bathroom. But we just met. Oh would you
(05:42):
like to wait? Wait? Wait, wait wait, med school students
diagnose him. Look at that big blood let's complexion. Yeah,
let's see a dilated pupils. Since as a kid, see
really loose teeth. That's what I'm getting very just came
here for one second. Will you breathe in and out?
(06:03):
In and out? He seems fine? Does he? Let's do
a surgery right now, get on the table. This is
what I'm talking about. We need to remain unaltered. Unaltered.
We are in a restaurant. That means there are people here.
If something were to happen, we'd be able to snatch it.
That's sorry about sorry, thank you sorry. So that's going
(06:30):
to be one for each finger of each person. When
you haves we have mushroom peppers. I wanted those side
of marian Era comes with that, it sounds like enough
for starters. Why don't I just impervious to deep fried food?
Second doctors a better class of people. And you heard
(06:53):
it's pretty exciting that when you talk like that, and
for you, I can kind of suggest the portabellow. It's
almost like a steak. No, I want some things as
far away from steak as possible. Well, it's not a steak.
It's salad. Will be fine, no dressing, passive aggressive salad. Alright,
(07:13):
secret that I scored second highest in the class. It
is no secret because you just say it a lot.
Second highest. But I don't know how how many steaks
you wanted there. We need to have five steaks, and
I'm just a plain salad with no dressing. No dressing. Look,
I'm gonna in that salad. That's what I do. Alright, No,
(07:35):
it's he's a doctor. I think it might be. You
got doctors in the house. There's the doctors. Honestly, they
seemed like they were having a jovial time. They're celebrating jovial.
It's joyous. Hey, Marco, I've been soaking to let us
in a bacon juice. Good do you want to do?
You might keeping one virgin salad, salads, all these salads. Fuck, bitch.
(07:59):
Look but we'll tell you what to do on the floor.
You don't tell us what to do in the kitchen.
All right, this is a lot of doctors, and there's
probably a big typically. My sister in laws a doctor.
She talks yea. Yeah, anybody portabello mushroom yet, I'm I'm
just sitting here ready to make it. Nobody gonna portabello mushrooms.
(08:21):
I'm standing by if you need it, do me a favorite.
No one's ordered. Just make a portabello mushroom into Yeah,
just make one. We'll see what happens at okay, thousand
years old? Alright. We found him when we bought the building.
I know. I try just not to jump when I
(08:42):
see him, but I can't. I've been here for five years.
It makes me squirrels. As far as I know from
the scrolls, he's a Demi guy. I just think he
should be wearing a hairnet. That is inappropriate. You can't
put a hand out on him. It burns right off
trying here. We got your mortals kill me. Pretty funny
(09:13):
mushroom up. Oh that was fast. It's a fast cook. Okay,
can you guys, get those steaks ready. It's cooked through,
nothing more disgusting and a raw mushroom inside. Are you
sure let's cut through you? Look, Lenny hasn't cooked that off.
He doesn't really know how far to cooking. That's what
I'm asking like, Are you sure? Excuse me? Where to Yes,
(09:34):
this portable emotionom is not cooked all the way through? Um,
do you mind if I stick my pinky finger into it?
I do. I don't want to see it. You can
take it in the back and do whatever you want
to it. I'm just telling you, quiet Ginger a service animal.
Why else would I bring a dog in a restaurant.
It's not wearing any sort of what shoes? No a vest?
(09:55):
Oh I gotta put a vest on my dog now,
Just you feel comfortable. I just don't to share to
service me. Okay, well you it seems like you snuck
it in. Why don't you just sorry? I had to
go to the bathroom. I hope they didn't undercook your
bordebello because if they did, you could die. He could die,
really very sensitive to undercook. I'm so sorry. Let me
take now best way in the world. Yes, I'm so sorry.
(10:17):
I'm so sorry. Yeah, he was trying to give me
unbelievable you know what we can do? Not eat here
ever again? Growing his life on yelp. Hey, I'm sorry.
I just overheard what was going on at your table
day and I was wondering, what do you like ties?
Do you want to buy a tie? Dad? Please? Guys?
(10:39):
Is our only weekend together? I could certainly use a
couple of times. Well, I got, I got. I need
to make this sale, all right, I gotta do this
every weekend. What do you want me to do? Huh?
Not work? I didn't go to doctor school, alright, you
get that. Huh. You're going to be better than me.
You got to be better than I don't feel it.
(11:02):
Do you want to leave me for him? Well, it's
not that I want to. I'm compelled. I mean, I've
been getting this vibe for what thirty years? But this
seems real. Well, you don't like ties, You've never worn
a tie. I'm not a big fan of time. Are
you leaving me for him? Not yet? How the Okay?
When I was sixteen years old, I know, Dad, let
(11:23):
me just say it. The lake house was always there,
all right? Now they burned down and I got nothing
to leave to you, all right, I don't. All I
want is just quality time. You want a quality tie,
and here is a steak steak, Oh my god, around
(11:46):
a little bit, you know what, We're going to have
those post appetizers post appetizer in the name of Hippocrates.
Bring them now, alright, let me take these steaks steaks back, man,
it means to steak. What the hell's going on? Okay, okay, okay,
what doctor's your fool? Where salad? Well, here's the thing.
These are two meals, and I'm gonna let you choose
(12:07):
from this salad. Okay, there you go. Okay, but you
don't want to even try this porta bello mushroom. It
looks undercooked. I need another another. Let's come round of shots,
couple of shas. Alright, a little phollow, Okay, I'll look.
Are you gonna tell me that you got a bread
(12:28):
at first and then fry? You're wrong? All right? I
didn't tell you that, did I just? Yeah? I have
had my headphones on. I have been listening to a show.
I'm not even interacting with you. What show am I
listening to? Bitch episodes audio? You didn't freak go oh
(12:49):
my god, the port of Bello. They're not eating it.
Everybody thinks it's other cooked. Don't tell you personally, Kenny.
I talked to you, didn't Kenny. I'm in the middle
of an emergency here, Okay. I need some lots of
rea sticks, staff, and I need to get a shack.
We don't make sticks stack. No, I need sticks. Stat
(13:11):
that it's super quick. It's doctor for fast. I must
be picking up some doctors speak from the table, doctor's doctors.
Just just look at me for one second. Peace. Now
look over at the customer over there, that man with
the small dog. Am I am I seeing something? Or
(13:31):
is this coloring off? I don't know what something. That
man is in love with that poor man. That man
with the dog is in love with the poor man,
and the wife knows. But it's gonna ripper apart. What's
the what color? What color you saying from him? He's
turning like a gray as if he had some kind
(13:52):
It's just like perfectly pink in the middle. It's so
and she's going to get another stab at like she
deserves that. Give me one second, hi, part of me?
You know, interrupting meal, you're interrupting a meat cute. Excuse
me nothing, don't worry about it. She's hilarious. She seems funny.
(14:16):
This is weird, but I'm a doctor for that part.
It isn't weird. Doctor, Keep going anyone now, it's anyone
was special? What's anyone? Are you kidding me? How are
you feeling right now? Um? You feel okay? I'm feeling attacked, Laurel,
(14:37):
please out in out give me one second. Doctors, doctors,
I think we have what are your issue here? No? No, no, no,
I think he's even meritated. It's just something pepper and
I'm not good at my job. What I cheated? What
do you mean I'm gonna get the second scores? I cheated?
(14:59):
How did could you cheat on that test? None of
your biz wax because it's funny. You are not smart.
I am not smart, but I do know this. That
man is about to go into shock. How do you
know that his breathing was off? You're telling me that
through you're cheating, you actually did learn it seems like
an important moment. I'm so sorry. Here's the realistic shot.
(15:25):
Let's just start a good eye. Tell you I feel fine.
Don't look if you want to earn your spot on
this water. Okay, okay, okay, okay, give me a knife,
give me I give it to you. No, I'm telling
you he was the worst. Should we try Annestesian? No time,
(15:50):
he needs shot shot cheese as well. Let me. I'm sorry,
I'm already. Oh god, I see this is where I
get stuck. I never know what to do. I don't know,
I don't know what to do. All right, let's take
(16:12):
a break. Okay, take a break, and let's just I'll
think about what we want to do that. How did
you know seen wanted to come to a conclusion. You said,
let's take a break at the perfect spot. I think
if someone got stabbed, I usually let's go to scene
number two, shall we? This is what comes from Justin,
(16:36):
and this one is from long ago. But I've got
as I've gone back through our wonderful fans emails, I'm
grabbing a few that I don't think we did yet,
so correct me. Even this sounds familiar like this one
from Justin, who wrote, hello team. I'm both an Avid
Pez dispenser, co host of The Pez Collection podcast and
(16:58):
work for a funeral home. Now I feel like if
we had done this one before, that part would have
remember that normally the two worlds never connect. Really, however,
he got around the butt with However, as a special thought,
I would love to see a funeral where the mortician
(17:18):
has incorporated a surprise for the family. Candy comes out
of the deceased neck. Dat why not put the fund
back in funeral? Oh, I see. Thank you for all
you do to make the air ways of the podcast
world just brighter each day. Dispense some good today, justin Hansen,
(17:43):
Thank you so much for coming. Everybody, thank you, thank
you for coming. Is there a place we sit front
back anywhere any open sea? The left side is the
groom side, the right side is Linda in the car
and here, thank you, thank you for coming. Thank you
for I'm just gonna roll this on up front. I'm sorry,
(18:12):
Please don't be so casual about that. This is the casket.
I understand that, but please don't come up and say, hey,
I'm going to roll this up and then make a
pop noise when you're gonna open it. Okay, Oh, I'm
so sorry, but this is you guys have spent a
lot of money on this funeral. Interest, don't we're looking
for a good time. Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Let me
close this. Just leave it open. Just leave it open, Jim,
(18:32):
Can I have a word please, I guess, but I'm
in the middle of making this is a great experience.
No, no no, I get it. I get it. Just one
second obviously, all right, Yeah, I may love with the deceased.
Are you kidding? No, she's dead. Yeah, but we have
a real connection. Are you sure we made out? I know? Okay, Okay, okay, okay,
this is not this is weird. I know, I know.
(18:52):
I didn't want that to happen, but it's happened. Okay.
Let me buy you some time with her. Okay, thank you.
To get the family to step out, just give me him, Kim, Jim,
thank you. Hey, I got your back. Let me just
roll this away for a second. What is going on? What? What?
What is you know? Sometimes there's are you familiar with
the idea of an unveiling, Like sometimes there's the gender
(19:15):
unveiled for a baby and all things come to pass.
We're going to properly gender unveil on a dead body. No,
it's a very different process. High, beautiful, I'm gonna unveil
your gender. Excuse me? Yes, yes, what are you doing? Back? Here.
Oh my god, yeah, oh my god. No, you didn't
(19:38):
see the process. Whose process? The mortuaries process? That was
not I work here, so do I And I know
you don't need to do what you're doing. What am
I doing? You are looking at the untouched crotch of
a deceased All right, I bought you some time. You
gotta bang it out quickly. What are you doing here?
(20:00):
Who are you? I'm so sorry. I didn't know you
even worked here. I didn't recognize you. Do you own
this place? You didn't recognize me because I wasn't wearing
my glasses. She's on the front of the building. Okay,
that's right. I am Martha, Martha. I'm gonna I'm gonna
come clean. You don't need to. I want to come clean.
(20:20):
What are you gonna say? They're in love? They? Yes,
we are, so you do. Just looking at revamp this
place and make it a mortuary again again, Yes, yeah,
because it used to be a mortuary and then, as
you know, it's a pizza parlor and now we want
to make it back into a mortuary. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I gotta you know, pizza parlors just pepperoni. Yeah. I
(20:42):
got about a month left on the lease and then
y'all can take it over. So do you think that
we could share some of the time with them? Like,
they're not open all the time? Are they? You want
to have a joint pizza restaurant? And then I guess
at night nobody goes to a pizza place in the morning. Yeah, Mr,
can I get some quarters for the Gallaga machine? For
the machine for the Galagha machine? Galaga it's an old
(21:04):
school videos. Okay, well the game where you smash the
fruits and no it's not. It's like a more advanced
version of Space Invaders. Don't shake the machine? Alright, shortty,
Now listen, we are not qualified to make this decision.
We don't own the place, but we're going to pitch
this to the owner, Martha. So if you think we
can make this happen, we're in. Yeah. I mean, look,
(21:28):
I'm just running the least. So you ever, Um, have
you ever been in love with the dead person? Have
you ever been in love with anyone? Good? Good? Yeah?
So you get us, you get us, I don't you
get us? Put her there nice, you have a great day.
He's a good guy. Yeah, you know, I don't think
(21:48):
that you should this is gonna be weird, but I
want you to I totally have your back. Of course
you did you I lost a galaga already? What is gallagher? Galaga?
Here's here's fifty more, here's more sense. Look, I just
want all of you to know how much this pizza
parlor arcade means that everybody in the community hold on
even before the hours of six pm. We really love it.
(22:12):
Didn't you have any quarters? Man? These guys are giving
out quarters. This is back man. Here's here's eight singles
that doesn't want me to give it back to me.
Here's here's a roll of quarters. Usually save this for laundry,
but just take it. Okay, we love this place. There's
(22:33):
a lot of troubled kids in this town. If we
don't have a place to focus, and you would never
be here before you get out of school at three pm. Right,
we don't go to school. We come here six am. Okay, Well,
we might have to find a different place. I can't
break these kids hearts, break their hearts as may of
(22:54):
this fine, fine city. Thank you. I am going to
cut the women here alright, please alright, keep that down,
please please keep that down. Everyone knows I am half
pig all right, man for sale? I am a pig
for sale. Alright, that is true. Alright, I will be
going to auction soon. That's my boreal there, that's my bore. Sucriment.
(23:19):
Shut up. I'm a prayer. I am at pig half hilman,
do you votive of me? Here we go. I'm gonna
cut this ribbon and open the first first Montuary pizza
joints in TV town. Your tail sticking out? Okay, alright,
well I'm gonna cut it and then we'll just I'll
(23:42):
walk away, all right, get hold the scissors with your
cloth and hoofs. No, I cannot no, I need help, Martha.
Is this going to be an issue? Look, there's a
family out there. They are grieving. They want to see
this woman. The issue is you were trying to f
you c k A cour No, I was trying to
f A L L space I N space no, no, no,
(24:07):
I'm so sorry. It was there pizza going to be
given now? Is that at the end? The pizza is
coming at the end. Thank you, You're so welcome. So
sorry for your loss. I am too. I'm sorry you
are having got an angel? When did you lose? Oh
a lot of stuff, a lot of money. Listen, you're fired. Okay,
that's not true. So Jim, Jim, Jim, don't bring me
(24:31):
back into this him. You were never not in it.
Apparently I was never in it. You were giving him
a chance with the corpse. Martha. You own this place,
but we are the heart of this place. No one
is allowed to touch the dead people in the where
used to be in this room. Hey buddy, Hey, we
(24:53):
put that down in the room with the big drawers. Um,
if you want to go down there, what what kind
of game is in this It's not a game. It's
not a game. It's not a game. There's there's a
woman in there. And if you give me a quarter,
you can open it up and looking. No no, no, no, no, no,
no no, that's where we drove you. No, don't give
(25:19):
him the course. Now I want to play the game. Okay,
open it up. Wow, she's really old. Hey, you take
that back. We're sorry for your loss. I'm gonna tell
no if Zuckerman comes in here and finds you in
love with the corpse doing deals with kids. Look, I
(25:43):
got too much on my plate right now. Okay, I'm
supposed to be going to Kentucky soon up there in
my office now okay, look Mr and your is full.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you. All right now look I am one the
auction soon. Okay. I presume my body will stand you son.
That alright. We did the best with cut. He's doing great.
(26:07):
I don't always see you as half pick I know,
I know. Who's a little boy. Who's a little boy
banging on the window over there? Bringing man here? I'm
the mayor, Mr Uman, Yes, mrs boy. There's an old
woman in the calm down. There's an old woman in
the calm down, calm down as pretty calm as calm
as I can'd woman in the Gallagher room. Maybe I
(26:29):
need to calm down as in me. Okay, I'm sorry, son.
The Mayor is going to auction tomorrow, so every the
tensions are high. You came in a weird time. Hey,
may I got your feet. Do anywody to put it
back in the tropiclate? Just mix it up? Okay right here, Yeah,
that'd be great. Thank you. All right, listen, I told
you I had your back. But this is a pattern.
You only fall in love with dead people. Look, this
(26:52):
is my last day here. Martha's made that very clear.
So I'm going to make this special. I'm gonna slice
his body up and feel it full of candy. She
is a goddamn treat and people need to know she's
a treat. If I can't have her, well then I
want to share her with everybody. This is my last
day here, and if I don't do the right thing now,
I will forever. What is the right thing, Jim, it's
(27:13):
so I'm appreciate everyone's patience. I don't know where she is.
I've talked to the funeral director to bring her out again.
So just just just sit here. We go, We thank you,
thank you? Okay, please, well, well as you all make
(27:35):
candy coming as your as you all make your way
up to pay your respects, go ahead, and she's just
pulling her nose and see what comes out on mars bar.
That's for you, a little boy. Thanks God. This is
so disrespectful you to stay at that. This took a
lot of engineering. Is there any snickers in there? Any
snickers you want him to dig around for? It? Is
(27:56):
that what you're asking? No, I'm asking for you to
treat this woman with the respect that she deserves. She
is his candy girl and she's got loving her I
got your back. I was wrong. No, I just can't explain.
Lovely love is my fautial making it work? Thank you Martha.
(28:33):
What song is this? Sugar? Sugar? So actually we want
to get rid of the mortuary and just making a
full time pizza shop. Yeah, well the Lisa's signs so
not on. Yeah, we're at a business that we went
out with a bang, and I don't think it's going
to be a good press for us. Yeah, I mean,
(28:56):
I mean to be honest, I got cliff, Yeah, what
is the problem with a building seven? It was a
funeral home than a pizza parlor than a pizza parlor,
and a funeral home and the lease isn't signed yet
you're supposed to close this and I know I had
a handshake deal. What does that mean? It means we
shook on it, and uh, I mean when has that
ever worked? Back Home is just another one of those
(29:18):
back home stories, just because just because I have a
family of doctors, well, well well guests who bought the mayor? Yeah,
I figured you did. What am I going to do
with you? A little piggy? You know, my stalls not
very big. What am I gonna do with that curly tail?
(29:41):
How the mighty have fallen? Swept you up at auction
for five dollars? You were talking, I was in the room.
I like to have an audience. All right, I'm gonna
step out. Yeah, you can go. Thank you for handling,
(30:02):
Thank you for buying me. Um. I told your solf,
no matter what you do in this town, they're still
going to see you as a pig. You can see
yourself about your full pig. I'm gonna root for truffles.
Good luck on it. I appreciate you buying me, and
I appreciate the fancy three shot you have fashion for
my potly body. Yeah, you're a little mayor pig, My
(30:22):
little mayor pig. This could get interesting. You know, when
you buy something at auction, you can kill it. This
is what I understood. Yes, you can fall in love
with it, that is also true. Or you could make
it a companion, or you could sell it on Craig's
List or in the Penny Saber. Yep, all of those
(30:44):
are appropriate actions. The fact that you now have bought
me an auction, and you can also I've heard in
rare cases such as this. You can hand me the
paperwork so I can be the mayor. That is true
me eccentric millionaires. I would happy to do so. I
have no thumbs. Hey, look that spider wrote some mayor
(31:06):
in her web. Oh no, well not, I can't kill him.
Is that mine's? I don't think it's mine. I don't
have one. Hello, it might be mine. You can leave?
Oh my bad? Hello? Yes, hello, yes, I was to
speak to the lady of our house about the purchase
(31:28):
of the pig Man. I am someone called my phone
be looking for you. You pretty good with that phone
for no thumbs? Hello, this is the lady of the house.
Is I'm calling about the pigmya biuncle delmore? Yes, I
would like to outbid you for the Pigmia. I've already
bought the pig man. I understand everyone else, Who are you?
(31:50):
How did you get his number? That's unimportant. I'm gonna
have to change that piggy. You don't get your own phone.
Everyone has a price, Yes, name yours for the piggy?
Maya three billion dollars? How about four? Okay? Better? And
I don't have a man combined with a briefcase full
of cash. That should be hidden. Okay, um, get it.
(32:16):
Don't you approve the amount? The big man. Here's your brief.
Come on, come on a bit, Come on, Piggy, get
in the car, Get in the cart, Get in the car. Alright, relax, relax,
Oh boy, oh boy, I'm so excited to see what
(32:37):
my boss is gonna do with you. Shut the you're
also a mayor actor, I mean actually' you know what
I'm trying to say. Let's give me one second. I'll
put you on speaker hands for Hello, Bianca del more.
The money's all here, pat news. The deed has already
been made in my name. I'm the mayor. That's we're
(33:01):
we're going to use them for breakfast. And since that day, kids,
this town has only had fully human mayors. Mrs pac
Man made into bacon. The mayor was made in the baking.
(33:22):
We're still eating them to this day. You have a tail,
I don't have a tale. Your pants down? The shall
I do that? That's in the Plebrian. You don't have
a take all right, kids, I don't take a pant kids,
I don't normally do this, but I will take my pants. Okay,
(33:43):
what in the what are you doing to these kids.
What they asked if I had a tail? Are you
an l O V E with them? I don't. I
can't spell children. Are you okay? Yeah, we're fine. Just
didn't because I didn't think we're supposed to do. I
felt weird. And you know, if he does have a
big deal, I don't know. It wasn't sexual nature. If
(34:05):
that's what you're asking. We just want to see. Does
he have a pigtail? Yeah, yeah, I think sure. Look
I'm just the town historian. I think it was a
skin tag I saw from between my fingers. Look to
have a coiled nature. Fine, fine, carry on, cant I'm
gonna leave you in this What are we calling this building? Now?
(34:25):
It used to be a mortuary, than it was a
pizza place. And it was a mortuary pizza place. Now
it's school. Only you in this school. You kids want
to see a dead body, let's see to This one
(34:46):
is from Eva. Dear alchemists. I've had the pleasure of
listening to you since the dawn of your existence and
want to say thank you for filling the empty and
endless void of driving to work. Here's my suggestion you
take on the royal wedding of the year any country.
It's the biggest news across the globe. But holy schnike,
someone crashes it with an objection. Lots of love from
(35:09):
a Virginia grad student. Eva, not Eva, but if you
read this on air, I guess you can call me
whatever you want. I'm gonna go with Eva. All right.
All the guests arrived, Yes, excellent, they're all seated. Yes, fine,
Hello royal family, that the wedding may proceed. What was
(35:31):
your name again? How do you spell that? Just as
it sounds? She shot again? Two ends? All right, thank
you very much. Have you been paid? No? Perfect, Sorry
(35:52):
to disturbed mom. It seems that all the guests have
been seated. Wonderful. So if we wanted to start off
the road wedding in the next couple of hours, that
would be great. See, things are a bit tired at
the moment, I understand. Do you know if the king
is ready to do? My lips look like they're in
the correct place. I've been struggling with this crown. Oh well,
(36:16):
your lips are certainly said it. It's the lipstick that seems.
That's more what I was referring to. How photographed do
you think better? Better than normal? Would be my guest,
and that's all that matters. This isn't a tacky Can
we get you another libation? Tacky? Tacky tacky? How long
(36:37):
have you worked for? Look? Man, this is going to
be this is your day. Man, this is crazy. You're
gonna be a king. I'm glad you're here for this
this while I'm going to be a prince and then
some day. This is fucking nuts. Dude, roy are you
going to be marrying my daughter today? Yes, that's right, guys.
(37:02):
I would really like you to take this seriously. This
is a royal wedding. We're taking it serious. Were drunk,
both of you. It's a wedding. We're a bus one.
We're just a little bus from last night Chad took
me out. You're supposed to be the best man, Oh yeah,
I got the best. Fucked up. This is my big day.
(37:23):
I'm going to stop the wedding. No, I'm in love
with her. Oh by the way, yes, you're very darling.
Oh thank you. Thought maybe we would be together at
the end of this something your best friends so long.
But no, you're still going to stop the wedding. From tickets,
tickets tickets for the away, give me one second. You're
(37:49):
talking to that doll. Yeah, it's a gift for the
Royal wedding when they come right through. Oh, thank you
funny with gifts Skettica of Jesus Cross. I'm so glad
you're here with me. I can't believe he used made
to get in made, darling, little Dolly that was hoping
(38:10):
you'd marry you. Today's the day you die, darling, and
today's the day I'm born again. Sorry, do you know
what that guys talking to your dollar and keeps on
saying that the doll is going to die. All I
can hear is that loud ticking. So I just don't
get out of that. Might be one of those things,
is it really? It just keeping interesting? Could you would
(38:32):
you mind checking inside like it? I can. I want
to give a loose diagnose. I'm just I'm just afraid
that there might be an ear wigan, might year an
earwig and earwig And I don't think you ever loved
me fully? Yeah why not? I don't know. You always
gave me some attitude. I'm not trying to give your
attitude and try to give you everything you've ever wanted.
If that's your problem, why who are you. I'm just
(38:54):
your doll, just my doll. Check it off, your highness,
if you can tie me through the protocol, through the ceremony,
like one more time, because it's a lot drink of
course you drink from this dress one day. Man, I
had to get my stomach painted. No one's going to
(39:17):
be able to nick. Everybody called out. You will be
standing at the end of the aisle. I will bring
my daughter. Wake up. Oh sorry, man, you're going to
be up. I got like an hour last night. Wake
up and put a shirt out. Nobody needs to see
(39:38):
your look when I found in my pocket, let's blow.
Hey Kingo, Kingo, No, dude off, call me Kingo. You
know what, until today, I honestly wasn't aware you existed.
King of this country? Hey Kingo? Yes, how soon after
(40:01):
I'm trying to make it stick, thanks bro. How soon
after the ceremony? Can't make a royal pronouncement? What do
you mean immediately the ceremony? Where you want out of
the day. I don't quite understand what my daughter seasoned you,
(40:22):
but you're acting like a dumb dumb like Shirvan and
I met freshman year and it was love. Are your
girls are freak father daughter? How is my love? He's listen,
this is This is gonna be hard for me to say,
(40:42):
because what I say we will have to live with forever.
But I don't want you to marry him. I've drawn
into the mouth on my face. Sweet sweetness, you look fantastic.
I now have too, and each of them looks better
than the powder. If I remove the mouth, it will
(41:03):
make a terrible mess. Sh I'm so sorry. I have
two mouths for your special day. It's okay, please give
me an this is important and actually and they put.
I want this wedding not to go on. I want
to stop the wedding. Your groom to be is drunk.
If we're towels, they are on the tea towels. But
(41:28):
I want to stop this wedding as well, good good,
good cook love with someone else with what I'm in
love with the doll maker? What why? Listen? Chance that
you fucked on the first date? Well, how many people
are in love? Well? I fun chat on the first date,
which makes me feel like I should marry him. It's
(41:50):
just this dollmaker. We've yet to touch, and yet I'm
still pulling this thing out. Man, I don't know what
the hell's inside your ear, but this is I think
it's got stop pulling stuff pulling. It's like a necklace. Yeah,
it's like a necklace down your ear. Kid the kid, No, No,
(42:17):
he's my twin brother. He's my here. And before I
pronounced these two husband lives. If anyone has any reason
they should not, please make me your I do me?
(42:43):
Young man? What is your name? How did you get
inside the church? It was with a man mouth is
falling off, my man, I will ask only one more time.
You name? My name is Jonathan Wick? Are you the
dog maker? John Wick? How do you know John will
(43:06):
Ship got in here? Mr? Wick? What is your disagreement
with this union? And before God, ladies and gentlemen, all
of you who are gathered here today, go on. I
asked that you what get to it? Dude? You need
(43:27):
to make a royal pronouncement. Don't you give me a
round of applause? If you believe in true love? I
just truly chivan Is this true? Yes? V the doll maker? Yes, father,
he's obviously the dog He's got a doll with him.
(43:50):
That embars of me? Are you embarrassed of me? No? Mother,
My makeup is atrocious. You know, I want slid a
country into battle sweet in the middle of the wedding.
Don't call me king. And she is not my first
chose and she's a second. All right. We didn't even
know when we got together. I know what's up? Do anywhere? Blow?
(44:14):
I don't. But I have these pills with a little
syringe on it. You just squeeze it in, push it
in your rain, and then you pop the pill into
the syringe and then something happens. What we do not know?
These pills are in a syringe. No, no, no, the
pill is the syringe. All right, doll maker, step up,
step up. If you've got things to say, do it's
(44:36):
John Wick. I bring this dolls, not but as a symbol.
I'm gonna kill John Wick's doll. Don't touch this doll.
Don't touch this doll. Touch me. Don't touch this doll. Chiffon,
make this stop. I can't. I'm want to rip the
head off this doll. John Wick, don't you do that.
Don't you do that? I don't gotten the late Oh ship,
(45:06):
we died? Do we die? I think we died, bros.
What happened? I think boyd man? All right? Next, next one,
please step up. Excuse me, I'm next. I'm a doctor,
I'm a king. I should I choked on primary at
(45:27):
a steakhouse still being the queen do nothing for one
at such a place. I can only talk to one
of you to die. Oh, bother gummy drumstick? Who would
like to enter the kingdom? I do believe that it
is the king. I should be the first to go
through the gate. Fine, that's so bitchy, but he's never
(45:47):
been chivalrous. Your name is king O? Is that true?
Damn it? They're all dead. Say for you and I,
as I dreamed it would be. You have dreams, chavon. Oh,
(46:09):
they're waking up. They're waking up. Smash the head. They
all sound the same. What the fund happened? I was
dead for a minute there, I was gone. Dude, I'm
glad you were there. You were there. I hope I
was there. Wonderful Nick? Did you dose everybody? Well? Well,
(46:37):
if you excuse us, the guy and Van say something, yes,
how can I help you? Peter? Where did everybody else
behind me in the gate go? What happened? Apparently they
will called back. I'd like to go back. They have
(46:58):
three questions you must send to enter the kingdom of
the law. I'd like to go question number one, how
did you die? I choked on a steak at a restaurant.
I thought that was clear first. No, I was first.
Actually you should go ahead, go ahead and go find
the man who choked on a steak. You choked on
(47:19):
a steak and died? Yes, I did, and none of
my fellow doctors helped me. But I was choking on
a mozzarella stick. That's hard to do. It is hard,
but when you put ten in it once I overestimated
the girth of my throat. It's only one way to
find out. So they're all dead. Oh no, everyone's alive
except for the king. Except for the king. The king
(47:41):
is dead. So I'm king now right now? What do
you think I think it should be? Chad? What Chads?
My best man? You're not married yet. No one can
be king, but Chivon. You could make one badass queen. No, No,
(48:08):
I get to do it by myself. Mother, you're not well.
I get to do this by I once led a
country and I hollowed out squashes and filled them with grenades,
and I said to the children, take these to your
mother's and the rest as they say genocide. Hey, you know,
(48:28):
old lady, I'm totally down to like sack up with
you and I'll be your king. You be my queen,
lady what man, dude, trust me on this. I'm gonna
get you in, all right, I'll be I was already in.
I'll be your dad. I never loved you, von oh man,
I never loved you. Hurt, what's up with? She's sending
(48:52):
like very mixed messages like do you want to leave you?
I never loved you? But then also you should be king? Yeah,
like nuts, it's nuts, and you're my stepdaughter. Keep your
step in check. Look that's Spider wrote true love in
that whim with Spider with It's starting, but it's gonna
(49:15):
take a minute. I think it's an L and L. No, No,
it's a T. No. Is that how you spell? I
think that's just I think that's just a web. We
gotta move this king's body because that open chest that's
my father. I'll take him. Sarah snickers in there, there's
a nutrageous though. Oh ship split. It split that ship.
(49:40):
So I'd really like to come back to us. And
now it's my turn. Just send me back. I'm a king.
I should be able to ask for these things. There's
only one question you need to answer to return to it.
Give it to me seven two nineteen. Oh, I'm glad
that's not me. I don't even know if it is. Well,
(50:04):
they're mostly prime with one cut, a prime cut, just
as openery. Oh shit, okay, I'm so kiding who I
(50:30):
don't know? Chad, I'm not sure that we're right together
while we're breaking up. Just stomped on my ex husband's
head with your foot like a watermelon. It was not becoming,
not very kingly, Chad, my bead. Sorry, I'm at apology.
We can get bed. Before I pronounced these two man
(50:53):
and white. Is there anyone present who disagrees with their matrimony? Yes? You,
it was the same change. I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you,
my ear, my ear, I'm the twin brother. I feel
like since I'm twin brothers, darling, is it you? But
(51:15):
you're here with your chest open and your head smile.
I'm his disjointed and disjointed. Make your point, brother, Yes,
I've heard of you. You look just like him. No
excuse the blood coming out of my ear, but I
do believe that I become king when he's dead? Some
(51:36):
good thing. I'm here, okay, So none of this is
about the marriage. Everyone's okay with me marrying the doll maker.
You weren't getting married. I was marrying Chads. It's still
my day, mother, Chad. You'll get to pick which mouth
you kiss me. Okay, Well, then the doll Maker and
I will go. Let's go. We are too separate people.
(51:56):
Why are you saying that you do? I honestly, who's talking?
Were sounding so different? They don't have a keen ear
as all. We're just gonna let him go, the kind
of everybody? All right? Where can I take you to?
What part of London might your destination be? Are you
to look very much in love? I should say thank
(52:17):
you so much, thank you so much. Noticed right away
when you stepped in and you look nothing alike? Thank you? So?
Where would you like to go? Somewhere far far away? Yes,
far far away? Get you do sound slightly far away?
(52:41):
I don't want to answer this question anymore. I just
want to get away from this crazy madhouse kingdom. Than
away we shall go, and we've arrived. Great four thousand
shilling please, baby, you got that, of course I do.
I'm royal terrific. Great pay the man. Did you say
(53:02):
royalty No, no, I said royalty pace for nothing? Oh no, no, please,
I insist, I insist. I couldn't possibly take a pence. Baby,
he doesn't want it, don't give it to him. But
all right, I'll take it. Okay, here you are. Don't
tell anyone. Ah, here we are. We're walking to rockies,
rock and roll, sushi and hamburgers. Please see yourself, take
a menu. Serve will be within a second. Wow, darling,
(53:24):
this is fun. Yeah, I think it's cool. This is
like a fun little place. I'm back turned down there.
I couldn't make it down there on at the gate
and to the Kingdom of the law. Yeah, my body
is all you know, chest cavity, open the whole shop. Bang,
(53:47):
you're ready to answer these three questions? Oh there's three more.
They know my questions? Okay, sure, yes if question number one? Okay, Spain, Portugal,
the United Kingdom? Excuse me? Can I get ahead of you?
I ate an undercooked portobello mushroom that I cooked myself.
(54:11):
I'm a chef at a steakhouse. Is this one of
the questions? Yes, you can go forward. That is the
correct I just don't understand. I haven't seen a new
soul come into heaven so long. I don't know what
the deal is. I don't know either. He's at his post.
I just went and looked out there. He's out there.
(54:31):
There's a line I see. I thought I would move.
The line moves. People keep skipping each other. It looks like,
and then answered one question and then moving back. The
line is an organism, you know. I just I should
have just said fuck it. You know you can't do everything.
Look my dad, I know Jesus, you can't do every
Why not? Why not what I done? Isn't it supposed
(54:54):
to be? Everyone's in? It wasn't that the deal? Why
is he? It was unclear? Why you weren't? You weren't clear?
And I think I was pretty clear that when I
got when I gotta know, why you don't just do
a damn miracle, prove some stuff. I've done enough. I've
done enough miracles. It's true. It's crazy to me that
I gotta keep doing this. It's just like, oh yeah,
it's all about you, isn't it. I just I just
(55:14):
want to say I'm having a great time here. I'm
finding truffles everywhere. Thank you, Mr Big, Mr Zuckerman, Mr Zuckerman. Sorry,
I'm gonna do a very confusing, very confusing, but also
building a bridge, which I appreciate that. Yeah, uh, and
just have fun over the corner. It's just like, I
(55:36):
don't understand why more people just like aren't in. We'll
fix it. You just told me not. You just told
me I can't do every well. I'm sick of hearing
you talk honestly. Are we going to be honest? Yeah,
let's be honest. Okay, I've known you since your earth time? Yeah,
do you have? And I'm over you. I was over
you once and then I got back and now I'm
over you again. Cool. I'm glad I brought you in.
(55:56):
I'm glad I said you're forgiven. You know what I
brought myself in? You know you? You didn't you did?
I know you didn't. You don't know everything? Yes I do? Yes?
Oh my god, here we go again. This is so fun.
You slow down on that sushi, Slow down on that sushi.
It's just so thirsty, darling. Re lax. All right, let's
(56:19):
do some grieving shots from the two doctors. We lost
all right, grieving shots, shots with the docs we lost?
Can we get can we get a cot more shots?
I've I've got a lot of step ones. Thank you,
guys for clatterizing least wounds. But yeah, you're so shuts shuts, shut, shuts, shuts.
Thank you. Let me tell you some clatterizing something. Jesus,
(56:41):
thank you for dying for everyone sins. I just have
three questions for you in order to get into the
Kingdom of your father. I just went out to take
a piss. Are you serious? Three? The first question is
what's to deal with Judas? I don't know. Honestly, I
(57:04):
don't know. I don't know. Yeah, I forgive the guy.
I know what he's gonna do. He has to do
it to the whole thinking move. And then he comes
book up here and he's just like I made it happen.
Question number two, when you piss, does it sting of? Yeah? Three?
Why uh? Everything? Okay, I was just talking about I'll
(57:32):
talk about he's good. I know I'm good. I know
I'm good. I know I can tell him you're good
for you, He's good. Thank you, And that's how Jesus
got to Heaven. That's our show. For today. It's like
all of our Alchemist Joey Gram thank you so much,
Buddy boy Man, happy to be here. Congratulations on the
success of your first album. Thank you. Very exciting. People
(57:54):
can get it wherever they get music, Spotify, iTunes. It's
called good Night with Joey Greer. It's a fun time.
Yeah it is. I love it from beginning to end.
I'm now playing it backwards. Nice still Good's a whole
different story. James Heeney, thanks for having me, guys, and
you know what, let me just say thank you for
all the reviews. They're just pouring in the Oh. Here's
(58:15):
one right here. Uh, funny and charming group of people.
I'm not this. I think I love Elchemy. This not
only is a great podcast idea, but the improv group
is absolutely amazing. They also keep you hooked with new
guests and two new episodes a week. And Joey Greer
is in it too, so that's funny. But but there
was one and I can't find it right the second
(58:37):
but somebody gave us only four stars and their critique
if it was that now that we have a Patreon
that they don't have access to it. But it's not
like we're making less content. We're just doing more. If
you want more, you can have more. But your your
regular listening experience is not altered. That Yeah, well that person, no,
(58:59):
no nice shame. They were just and you know better,
you do better. So I'm glad you read that and
we had a chance to critique it. Craig Katkowski. Yeah,
follow me at Kikowski on Twitter or see Kikowski on
Instagram and joined that Patreonvaniche Yes, you can go to
Dynasty typewriter dot com or follow dinas two typewriter on
(59:19):
Instagram or see you know boring life pictures from me
at Vanessa Hope on Instagram. Wait to sell, Thank you
first at Chris Alvarado. I just bring all the hot content.
It's my thing. Let's thank our engineer at the Stars,
Richard dug Our post sign design autos and I heard media.
(59:43):
I'm a doctor. All of you to write a review
to lif whe you've ever met, then write to us
at your name here a document this dot com. I'm
your host, Kevin Polic Until next time. Yea smokes wo
and a football and a football
Welcome back to another episode Alchemy. This I'm your host,
Kevin Pollock. Yes, that Kevin Pollock was that. Well. If
the adage what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas were upheld,
then all the future losers wouldn't hear about all the
winner's stories and not be as compelled to play. This
game of chance in Vegas would close in a month.
(00:23):
But I digress. Let's meet our alchemists, shall we? In
no particular order? Say hello? But that's a ragling Venetia.
Tell me the truth about marsh Mellows. That is the truth.
And finally someone had the guts to say it, taking
me it's James Eney, Johnny Jimbo Jackson. Is it true
you once kissed a horny toad for luck? Not for luck,
(00:46):
not for luck, for lust, No, no for for a trip,
if for an experience. It didn't work, It was just
a regular toad. Already skip to the Lewis Greg Kakowski
cow care to share a memory from that time in Vegas? Oh,
when I won everything? You losers should try and get there.
(01:09):
It's a one hour flight from l A. Seven minutes
in the air recalibrate the thermostat Chris Savarado was heating
it up in here all rights. Since life, too is
a game of chance, how much would you bet on
James Heeney? All of it? That's it. He's a favorite
and last a contrary, but last. But may your shoelaces
(01:35):
be tied to a wild board if you think at
least there's Joey greer jokey, what's the smallest monetary laws
you incurred from a wager? All right, we'd like to
(01:59):
invite you to be a v I P member of
our new Patreon page. So many of you have signed
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don't we. Alchemists bonus episodes not available to non members
will be yours. There's a phone number just for v
i P s. Will you call in, leave a message,
be to question and request whatevs and we'll reply uh
(02:20):
at one of our new regular video Q and a
hang out at the Alchemists with the Alchemists at My House,
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kinds of cool ship. Please join our super core fans
by going to patreon dot com slash alchemy. This that's
Patreon dot com slash alchemy this. All of today's scenes
(02:41):
that justtions were gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd
like to submit yours, please right to the podcast at
your name here at alchemy this dot com. I love
responding to them all, and I do. We've had some
nice conversations, so thank you for participating by going to
your name here at alchemy this dot com. Our first
income from listener Michael. In fact, he wrote, Hey, Kevin
and a T Team. I learned today I can't listen
(03:04):
to the show while eating lunch at work anymore. I
think it was a noodle in the nose. I laughed
so hard I spit out a mouthful of spinach of
the green scene suggestion. You're all graduating from med school,
heading off to your various residency assignments. However, as you
(03:26):
drink away celebrating before you begin the next harrowing phase
of doctor ing, you realize some of you aren't as
prepared to save lives as you thought. Keep up the
good work from Michael Parlotto, who, by the way, is
our newest Welcome Michael. You can have that as a
(03:51):
sound bite, Michael. We'll ship that to your next Hey,
who's like, who's got the bourbon and vodka? Invoking for Lisa?
Thank you? All right, shots all around, gentlemen, we deserve
Wait a minute, a duge that that kind of shots?
(04:11):
Doctor killed there? Why are you sober? I don't drink? Great?
All right, that's so good. That's great that we're gonna
hit off Jimmy's vape. No, I'm sober, sober, sober, so sober, sober.
He's only sober for a month. No, that's that's not true.
I had a real bout with drugs and alcohol and
(04:33):
shot of penicilla. That's unbelievable. That let's get another shot.
I think before we do, I think it's been nice
to just left my panties in the bathrooms. Oh gosh.
I just feel like we're at a certain level, at
a certain level that if we're called to action, we
(04:56):
need to be ready for you think you're gonna get
called in the emergency room right now. Perhaps we don't
have residencies yet, but we already had residencies. We're going
to We took an oath, guys. I've got the drinks
to the table, let me put these down the water
for you, and we're ready to take any order for food.
If anybody's ready to order sticks. All right, I'm a vegetarian. Okay,
(05:21):
well we are sticks. We'll bring the primary cuffs and
then we have a primary cuffs. Puff me up. Now.
Usually I usually trolled the waiter after i've food, throw
away the meat. I would tell you what I forgot
in the bathroom. But we just met. Oh would you
(05:42):
like to wait? Wait? Wait, wait wait, med school students
diagnose him. Look at that big blood let's complexion. Yeah,
let's see a dilated pupils. Since as a kid, see
really loose teeth. That's what I'm getting very just came
here for one second. Will you breathe in and out?
(06:03):
In and out? He seems fine? Does he? Let's do
a surgery right now, get on the table. This is
what I'm talking about. We need to remain unaltered. Unaltered.
We are in a restaurant. That means there are people here.
If something were to happen, we'd be able to snatch it.
That's sorry about sorry, thank you sorry. So that's going
(06:30):
to be one for each finger of each person. When
you haves we have mushroom peppers. I wanted those side
of marian Era comes with that, it sounds like enough
for starters. Why don't I just impervious to deep fried food?
Second doctors a better class of people. And you heard
(06:53):
it's pretty exciting that when you talk like that, and
for you, I can kind of suggest the portabellow. It's
almost like a steak. No, I want some things as
far away from steak as possible. Well, it's not a steak.
It's salad. Will be fine, no dressing, passive aggressive salad. Alright,
(07:13):
secret that I scored second highest in the class. It
is no secret because you just say it a lot.
Second highest. But I don't know how how many steaks
you wanted there. We need to have five steaks, and
I'm just a plain salad with no dressing. No dressing. Look,
I'm gonna in that salad. That's what I do. Alright, No,
(07:35):
it's he's a doctor. I think it might be. You
got doctors in the house. There's the doctors. Honestly, they
seemed like they were having a jovial time. They're celebrating jovial.
It's joyous. Hey, Marco, I've been soaking to let us
in a bacon juice. Good do you want to do?
You might keeping one virgin salad, salads, all these salads. Fuck, bitch.
(07:59):
Look but we'll tell you what to do on the floor.
You don't tell us what to do in the kitchen.
All right, this is a lot of doctors, and there's
probably a big typically. My sister in laws a doctor.
She talks yea. Yeah, anybody portabello mushroom yet, I'm I'm
just sitting here ready to make it. Nobody gonna portabello mushrooms.
(08:21):
I'm standing by if you need it, do me a favorite.
No one's ordered. Just make a portabello mushroom into Yeah,
just make one. We'll see what happens at okay, thousand
years old? Alright. We found him when we bought the building.
I know. I try just not to jump when I
(08:42):
see him, but I can't. I've been here for five years.
It makes me squirrels. As far as I know from
the scrolls, he's a Demi guy. I just think he
should be wearing a hairnet. That is inappropriate. You can't
put a hand out on him. It burns right off
trying here. We got your mortals kill me. Pretty funny
(09:13):
mushroom up. Oh that was fast. It's a fast cook. Okay,
can you guys, get those steaks ready. It's cooked through,
nothing more disgusting and a raw mushroom inside. Are you
sure let's cut through you? Look, Lenny hasn't cooked that off.
He doesn't really know how far to cooking. That's what
I'm asking like, Are you sure? Excuse me? Where to Yes,
(09:34):
this portable emotionom is not cooked all the way through? Um,
do you mind if I stick my pinky finger into it?
I do. I don't want to see it. You can
take it in the back and do whatever you want
to it. I'm just telling you, quiet Ginger a service animal.
Why else would I bring a dog in a restaurant.
It's not wearing any sort of what shoes? No a vest?
(09:55):
Oh I gotta put a vest on my dog now,
Just you feel comfortable. I just don't to share to
service me. Okay, well you it seems like you snuck
it in. Why don't you just sorry? I had to
go to the bathroom. I hope they didn't undercook your
bordebello because if they did, you could die. He could die,
really very sensitive to undercook. I'm so sorry. Let me
take now best way in the world. Yes, I'm so sorry.
(10:17):
I'm so sorry. Yeah, he was trying to give me
unbelievable you know what we can do? Not eat here
ever again? Growing his life on yelp. Hey, I'm sorry.
I just overheard what was going on at your table
day and I was wondering, what do you like ties?
Do you want to buy a tie? Dad? Please? Guys?
(10:39):
Is our only weekend together? I could certainly use a
couple of times. Well, I got, I got. I need
to make this sale, all right, I gotta do this
every weekend. What do you want me to do? Huh?
Not work? I didn't go to doctor school, alright, you
get that. Huh. You're going to be better than me.
You got to be better than I don't feel it.
(11:02):
Do you want to leave me for him? Well, it's
not that I want to. I'm compelled. I mean, I've
been getting this vibe for what thirty years? But this
seems real. Well, you don't like ties, You've never worn
a tie. I'm not a big fan of time. Are
you leaving me for him? Not yet? How the Okay?
When I was sixteen years old, I know, Dad, let
(11:23):
me just say it. The lake house was always there,
all right? Now they burned down and I got nothing
to leave to you, all right, I don't. All I
want is just quality time. You want a quality tie,
and here is a steak steak, Oh my god, around
(11:46):
a little bit, you know what, We're going to have
those post appetizers post appetizer in the name of Hippocrates.
Bring them now, alright, let me take these steaks steaks back, man,
it means to steak. What the hell's going on? Okay, okay, okay,
what doctor's your fool? Where salad? Well, here's the thing.
These are two meals, and I'm gonna let you choose
(12:07):
from this salad. Okay, there you go. Okay, but you
don't want to even try this porta bello mushroom. It
looks undercooked. I need another another. Let's come round of shots,
couple of shas. Alright, a little phollow, Okay, I'll look.
Are you gonna tell me that you got a bread
(12:28):
at first and then fry? You're wrong? All right? I
didn't tell you that, did I just? Yeah? I have
had my headphones on. I have been listening to a show.
I'm not even interacting with you. What show am I
listening to? Bitch episodes audio? You didn't freak go oh
(12:49):
my god, the port of Bello. They're not eating it.
Everybody thinks it's other cooked. Don't tell you personally, Kenny.
I talked to you, didn't Kenny. I'm in the middle
of an emergency here, Okay. I need some lots of
rea sticks, staff, and I need to get a shack.
We don't make sticks stack. No, I need sticks. Stat
(13:11):
that it's super quick. It's doctor for fast. I must
be picking up some doctors speak from the table, doctor's doctors.
Just just look at me for one second. Peace. Now
look over at the customer over there, that man with
the small dog. Am I am I seeing something? Or
(13:31):
is this coloring off? I don't know what something. That
man is in love with that poor man. That man
with the dog is in love with the poor man,
and the wife knows. But it's gonna ripper apart. What's
the what color? What color you saying from him? He's
turning like a gray as if he had some kind
(13:52):
It's just like perfectly pink in the middle. It's so
and she's going to get another stab at like she
deserves that. Give me one second, hi, part of me?
You know, interrupting meal, you're interrupting a meat cute. Excuse
me nothing, don't worry about it. She's hilarious. She seems funny.
(14:16):
This is weird, but I'm a doctor for that part.
It isn't weird. Doctor, Keep going anyone now, it's anyone
was special? What's anyone? Are you kidding me? How are
you feeling right now? Um? You feel okay? I'm feeling attacked, Laurel,
(14:37):
please out in out give me one second. Doctors, doctors,
I think we have what are your issue here? No? No, no, no,
I think he's even meritated. It's just something pepper and
I'm not good at my job. What I cheated? What
do you mean I'm gonna get the second scores? I cheated?
(14:59):
How did could you cheat on that test? None of
your biz wax because it's funny. You are not smart.
I am not smart, but I do know this. That
man is about to go into shock. How do you
know that his breathing was off? You're telling me that
through you're cheating, you actually did learn it seems like
an important moment. I'm so sorry. Here's the realistic shot.
(15:25):
Let's just start a good eye. Tell you I feel fine.
Don't look if you want to earn your spot on
this water. Okay, okay, okay, okay, give me a knife,
give me I give it to you. No, I'm telling
you he was the worst. Should we try Annestesian? No time,
(15:50):
he needs shot shot cheese as well. Let me. I'm sorry,
I'm already. Oh god, I see this is where I
get stuck. I never know what to do. I don't know,
I don't know what to do. All right, let's take
(16:12):
a break. Okay, take a break, and let's just I'll
think about what we want to do that. How did
you know seen wanted to come to a conclusion. You said,
let's take a break at the perfect spot. I think
if someone got stabbed, I usually let's go to scene
number two, shall we? This is what comes from Justin,
(16:36):
and this one is from long ago. But I've got
as I've gone back through our wonderful fans emails, I'm
grabbing a few that I don't think we did yet,
so correct me. Even this sounds familiar like this one
from Justin, who wrote, hello team. I'm both an Avid
Pez dispenser, co host of The Pez Collection podcast and
(16:58):
work for a funeral home. Now I feel like if
we had done this one before, that part would have
remember that normally the two worlds never connect. Really, however,
he got around the butt with However, as a special thought,
I would love to see a funeral where the mortician
(17:18):
has incorporated a surprise for the family. Candy comes out
of the deceased neck. Dat why not put the fund
back in funeral? Oh, I see. Thank you for all
you do to make the air ways of the podcast
world just brighter each day. Dispense some good today, justin Hansen,
(17:43):
Thank you so much for coming. Everybody, thank you, thank
you for coming. Is there a place we sit front
back anywhere any open sea? The left side is the
groom side, the right side is Linda in the car
and here, thank you, thank you for coming. Thank you
for I'm just gonna roll this on up front. I'm sorry,
(18:12):
Please don't be so casual about that. This is the casket.
I understand that, but please don't come up and say, hey,
I'm going to roll this up and then make a
pop noise when you're gonna open it. Okay, Oh, I'm
so sorry, but this is you guys have spent a
lot of money on this funeral. Interest, don't we're looking
for a good time. Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Let me
close this. Just leave it open. Just leave it open, Jim,
(18:32):
Can I have a word please, I guess, but I'm
in the middle of making this is a great experience.
No, no no, I get it. I get it. Just one
second obviously, all right, Yeah, I may love with the deceased.
Are you kidding? No, she's dead. Yeah, but we have
a real connection. Are you sure we made out? I know? Okay, Okay, okay, okay,
this is not this is weird. I know, I know.
(18:52):
I didn't want that to happen, but it's happened. Okay.
Let me buy you some time with her. Okay, thank you.
To get the family to step out, just give me him, Kim, Jim,
thank you. Hey, I got your back. Let me just
roll this away for a second. What is going on? What? What?
What is you know? Sometimes there's are you familiar with
the idea of an unveiling, Like sometimes there's the gender
(19:15):
unveiled for a baby and all things come to pass.
We're going to properly gender unveil on a dead body. No,
it's a very different process. High, beautiful, I'm gonna unveil
your gender. Excuse me? Yes, yes, what are you doing? Back? Here.
Oh my god, yeah, oh my god. No, you didn't
(19:38):
see the process. Whose process? The mortuaries process? That was
not I work here, so do I And I know
you don't need to do what you're doing. What am
I doing? You are looking at the untouched crotch of
a deceased All right, I bought you some time. You
gotta bang it out quickly. What are you doing here?
(20:00):
Who are you? I'm so sorry. I didn't know you
even worked here. I didn't recognize you. Do you own
this place? You didn't recognize me because I wasn't wearing
my glasses. She's on the front of the building. Okay,
that's right. I am Martha, Martha. I'm gonna I'm gonna
come clean. You don't need to. I want to come clean.
(20:20):
What are you gonna say? They're in love? They? Yes,
we are, so you do. Just looking at revamp this
place and make it a mortuary again again, Yes, yeah,
because it used to be a mortuary and then, as
you know, it's a pizza parlor and now we want
to make it back into a mortuary. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I gotta you know, pizza parlors just pepperoni. Yeah. I
(20:42):
got about a month left on the lease and then
y'all can take it over. So do you think that
we could share some of the time with them? Like,
they're not open all the time? Are they? You want
to have a joint pizza restaurant? And then I guess
at night nobody goes to a pizza place in the morning. Yeah, Mr,
can I get some quarters for the Gallaga machine? For
the machine for the Galagha machine? Galaga it's an old
(21:04):
school videos. Okay, well the game where you smash the
fruits and no it's not. It's like a more advanced
version of Space Invaders. Don't shake the machine? Alright, shortty,
Now listen, we are not qualified to make this decision.
We don't own the place, but we're going to pitch
this to the owner, Martha. So if you think we
can make this happen, we're in. Yeah. I mean, look,
(21:28):
I'm just running the least. So you ever, Um, have
you ever been in love with the dead person? Have
you ever been in love with anyone? Good? Good? Yeah?
So you get us, you get us, I don't you
get us? Put her there nice, you have a great day.
He's a good guy. Yeah, you know, I don't think
(21:48):
that you should this is gonna be weird, but I
want you to I totally have your back. Of course
you did you I lost a galaga already? What is gallagher? Galaga?
Here's here's fifty more, here's more sense. Look, I just
want all of you to know how much this pizza
parlor arcade means that everybody in the community hold on
even before the hours of six pm. We really love it.
(22:12):
Didn't you have any quarters? Man? These guys are giving
out quarters. This is back man. Here's here's eight singles
that doesn't want me to give it back to me.
Here's here's a roll of quarters. Usually save this for laundry,
but just take it. Okay, we love this place. There's
(22:33):
a lot of troubled kids in this town. If we
don't have a place to focus, and you would never
be here before you get out of school at three pm. Right,
we don't go to school. We come here six am. Okay, Well,
we might have to find a different place. I can't
break these kids hearts, break their hearts as may of
(22:54):
this fine, fine city. Thank you. I am going to
cut the women here alright, please alright, keep that down,
please please keep that down. Everyone knows I am half
pig all right, man for sale? I am a pig
for sale. Alright, that is true. Alright, I will be
going to auction soon. That's my boreal there, that's my bore. Sucriment.
(23:19):
Shut up. I'm a prayer. I am at pig half hilman,
do you votive of me? Here we go. I'm gonna
cut this ribbon and open the first first Montuary pizza
joints in TV town. Your tail sticking out? Okay, alright,
well I'm gonna cut it and then we'll just I'll
(23:42):
walk away, all right, get hold the scissors with your
cloth and hoofs. No, I cannot no, I need help, Martha.
Is this going to be an issue? Look, there's a
family out there. They are grieving. They want to see
this woman. The issue is you were trying to f
you c k A cour No, I was trying to
f A L L space I N space no, no, no,
(24:07):
I'm so sorry. It was there pizza going to be
given now? Is that at the end? The pizza is
coming at the end. Thank you, You're so welcome. So
sorry for your loss. I am too. I'm sorry you
are having got an angel? When did you lose? Oh
a lot of stuff, a lot of money. Listen, you're fired. Okay,
that's not true. So Jim, Jim, Jim, don't bring me
(24:31):
back into this him. You were never not in it.
Apparently I was never in it. You were giving him
a chance with the corpse. Martha. You own this place,
but we are the heart of this place. No one
is allowed to touch the dead people in the where
used to be in this room. Hey buddy, Hey, we
(24:53):
put that down in the room with the big drawers. Um,
if you want to go down there, what what kind
of game is in this It's not a game. It's
not a game. It's not a game. There's there's a
woman in there. And if you give me a quarter,
you can open it up and looking. No no, no, no, no, no,
no no, that's where we drove you. No, don't give
(25:19):
him the course. Now I want to play the game. Okay,
open it up. Wow, she's really old. Hey, you take
that back. We're sorry for your loss. I'm gonna tell
no if Zuckerman comes in here and finds you in
love with the corpse doing deals with kids. Look, I
(25:43):
got too much on my plate right now. Okay, I'm
supposed to be going to Kentucky soon up there in
my office now okay, look Mr and your is full.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you. All right now look I am one the
auction soon. Okay. I presume my body will stand you son.
That alright. We did the best with cut. He's doing great.
(26:07):
I don't always see you as half pick I know,
I know. Who's a little boy. Who's a little boy
banging on the window over there? Bringing man here? I'm
the mayor, Mr Uman, Yes, mrs boy. There's an old
woman in the calm down. There's an old woman in
the calm down, calm down as pretty calm as calm
as I can'd woman in the Gallagher room. Maybe I
(26:29):
need to calm down as in me. Okay, I'm sorry, son.
The Mayor is going to auction tomorrow, so every the
tensions are high. You came in a weird time. Hey,
may I got your feet. Do anywody to put it
back in the tropiclate? Just mix it up? Okay right here, Yeah,
that'd be great. Thank you. All right, listen, I told
you I had your back. But this is a pattern.
You only fall in love with dead people. Look, this
(26:52):
is my last day here. Martha's made that very clear.
So I'm going to make this special. I'm gonna slice
his body up and feel it full of candy. She
is a goddamn treat and people need to know she's
a treat. If I can't have her, well then I
want to share her with everybody. This is my last
day here, and if I don't do the right thing now,
I will forever. What is the right thing, Jim, it's
(27:13):
so I'm appreciate everyone's patience. I don't know where she is.
I've talked to the funeral director to bring her out again.
So just just just sit here. We go, We thank you,
thank you? Okay, please, well, well as you all make
(27:35):
candy coming as your as you all make your way
up to pay your respects, go ahead, and she's just
pulling her nose and see what comes out on mars bar.
That's for you, a little boy. Thanks God. This is
so disrespectful you to stay at that. This took a
lot of engineering. Is there any snickers in there? Any
snickers you want him to dig around for? It? Is
(27:56):
that what you're asking? No, I'm asking for you to
treat this woman with the respect that she deserves. She
is his candy girl and she's got loving her I
got your back. I was wrong. No, I just can't explain.
Lovely love is my fautial making it work? Thank you Martha.
(28:33):
What song is this? Sugar? Sugar? So actually we want
to get rid of the mortuary and just making a
full time pizza shop. Yeah, well the Lisa's signs so
not on. Yeah, we're at a business that we went
out with a bang, and I don't think it's going
to be a good press for us. Yeah, I mean,
(28:56):
I mean to be honest, I got cliff, Yeah, what
is the problem with a building seven? It was a
funeral home than a pizza parlor than a pizza parlor,
and a funeral home and the lease isn't signed yet
you're supposed to close this and I know I had
a handshake deal. What does that mean? It means we
shook on it, and uh, I mean when has that
ever worked? Back Home is just another one of those
(29:18):
back home stories, just because just because I have a
family of doctors, well, well well guests who bought the mayor? Yeah,
I figured you did. What am I going to do
with you? A little piggy? You know, my stalls not
very big. What am I gonna do with that curly tail?
(29:41):
How the mighty have fallen? Swept you up at auction
for five dollars? You were talking, I was in the room.
I like to have an audience. All right, I'm gonna
step out. Yeah, you can go. Thank you for handling,
(30:02):
Thank you for buying me. Um. I told your solf,
no matter what you do in this town, they're still
going to see you as a pig. You can see
yourself about your full pig. I'm gonna root for truffles.
Good luck on it. I appreciate you buying me, and
I appreciate the fancy three shot you have fashion for
my potly body. Yeah, you're a little mayor pig, My
(30:22):
little mayor pig. This could get interesting. You know, when
you buy something at auction, you can kill it. This
is what I understood. Yes, you can fall in love
with it, that is also true. Or you could make
it a companion, or you could sell it on Craig's
List or in the Penny Saber. Yep, all of those
(30:44):
are appropriate actions. The fact that you now have bought
me an auction, and you can also I've heard in
rare cases such as this. You can hand me the
paperwork so I can be the mayor. That is true
me eccentric millionaires. I would happy to do so. I
have no thumbs. Hey, look that spider wrote some mayor
(31:06):
in her web. Oh no, well not, I can't kill him.
Is that mine's? I don't think it's mine. I don't
have one. Hello, it might be mine. You can leave?
Oh my bad? Hello? Yes, hello, yes, I was to
speak to the lady of our house about the purchase
(31:28):
of the pig Man. I am someone called my phone
be looking for you. You pretty good with that phone
for no thumbs? Hello, this is the lady of the house.
Is I'm calling about the pigmya biuncle delmore? Yes, I
would like to outbid you for the Pigmia. I've already
bought the pig man. I understand everyone else, Who are you?
(31:50):
How did you get his number? That's unimportant. I'm gonna
have to change that piggy. You don't get your own phone.
Everyone has a price, Yes, name yours for the piggy?
Maya three billion dollars? How about four? Okay? Better? And
I don't have a man combined with a briefcase full
of cash. That should be hidden. Okay, um, get it.
(32:16):
Don't you approve the amount? The big man. Here's your brief.
Come on, come on a bit, Come on, Piggy, get
in the car, Get in the cart, Get in the car. Alright, relax, relax,
Oh boy, oh boy, I'm so excited to see what
(32:37):
my boss is gonna do with you. Shut the you're
also a mayor actor, I mean actually' you know what
I'm trying to say. Let's give me one second. I'll
put you on speaker hands for Hello, Bianca del more.
The money's all here, pat news. The deed has already
been made in my name. I'm the mayor. That's we're
(33:01):
we're going to use them for breakfast. And since that day, kids,
this town has only had fully human mayors. Mrs pac
Man made into bacon. The mayor was made in the baking.
(33:22):
We're still eating them to this day. You have a tail,
I don't have a tale. Your pants down? The shall
I do that? That's in the Plebrian. You don't have
a take all right, kids, I don't take a pant kids,
I don't normally do this, but I will take my pants. Okay,
(33:43):
what in the what are you doing to these kids.
What they asked if I had a tail? Are you
an l O V E with them? I don't. I
can't spell children. Are you okay? Yeah, we're fine. Just
didn't because I didn't think we're supposed to do. I
felt weird. And you know, if he does have a
big deal, I don't know. It wasn't sexual nature. If
(34:05):
that's what you're asking. We just want to see. Does
he have a pigtail? Yeah, yeah, I think sure. Look
I'm just the town historian. I think it was a
skin tag I saw from between my fingers. Look to
have a coiled nature. Fine, fine, carry on, cant I'm
gonna leave you in this What are we calling this building? Now?
(34:25):
It used to be a mortuary, than it was a
pizza place. And it was a mortuary pizza place. Now
it's school. Only you in this school. You kids want
to see a dead body, let's see to This one
(34:46):
is from Eva. Dear alchemists. I've had the pleasure of
listening to you since the dawn of your existence and
want to say thank you for filling the empty and
endless void of driving to work. Here's my suggestion you
take on the royal wedding of the year any country.
It's the biggest news across the globe. But holy schnike,
someone crashes it with an objection. Lots of love from
(35:09):
a Virginia grad student. Eva, not Eva, but if you
read this on air, I guess you can call me
whatever you want. I'm gonna go with Eva. All right.
All the guests arrived, Yes, excellent, they're all seated. Yes, fine,
Hello royal family, that the wedding may proceed. What was
(35:31):
your name again? How do you spell that? Just as
it sounds? She shot again? Two ends? All right, thank
you very much. Have you been paid? No? Perfect, Sorry
(35:52):
to disturbed mom. It seems that all the guests have
been seated. Wonderful. So if we wanted to start off
the road wedding in the next couple of hours, that
would be great. See, things are a bit tired at
the moment, I understand. Do you know if the king
is ready to do? My lips look like they're in
the correct place. I've been struggling with this crown. Oh well,
(36:16):
your lips are certainly said it. It's the lipstick that seems.
That's more what I was referring to. How photographed do
you think better? Better than normal? Would be my guest,
and that's all that matters. This isn't a tacky Can
we get you another libation? Tacky? Tacky tacky? How long
(36:37):
have you worked for? Look? Man, this is going to
be this is your day. Man, this is crazy. You're
gonna be a king. I'm glad you're here for this
this while I'm going to be a prince and then
some day. This is fucking nuts. Dude, roy are you
going to be marrying my daughter today? Yes, that's right, guys.
(37:02):
I would really like you to take this seriously. This
is a royal wedding. We're taking it serious. Were drunk,
both of you. It's a wedding. We're a bus one.
We're just a little bus from last night Chad took
me out. You're supposed to be the best man, Oh yeah,
I got the best. Fucked up. This is my big day.
(37:23):
I'm going to stop the wedding. No, I'm in love
with her. Oh by the way, yes, you're very darling.
Oh thank you. Thought maybe we would be together at
the end of this something your best friends so long.
But no, you're still going to stop the wedding. From tickets,
tickets tickets for the away, give me one second. You're
(37:49):
talking to that doll. Yeah, it's a gift for the
Royal wedding when they come right through. Oh, thank you
funny with gifts Skettica of Jesus Cross. I'm so glad
you're here with me. I can't believe he used made
to get in made, darling, little Dolly that was hoping
(38:10):
you'd marry you. Today's the day you die, darling, and
today's the day I'm born again. Sorry, do you know
what that guys talking to your dollar and keeps on
saying that the doll is going to die. All I
can hear is that loud ticking. So I just don't
get out of that. Might be one of those things,
is it really? It just keeping interesting? Could you would
(38:32):
you mind checking inside like it? I can. I want
to give a loose diagnose. I'm just I'm just afraid
that there might be an ear wigan, might year an
earwig and earwig And I don't think you ever loved
me fully? Yeah why not? I don't know. You always
gave me some attitude. I'm not trying to give your
attitude and try to give you everything you've ever wanted.
If that's your problem, why who are you. I'm just
(38:54):
your doll, just my doll. Check it off, your highness,
if you can tie me through the protocol, through the ceremony,
like one more time, because it's a lot drink of
course you drink from this dress one day. Man, I
had to get my stomach painted. No one's going to
(39:17):
be able to nick. Everybody called out. You will be
standing at the end of the aisle. I will bring
my daughter. Wake up. Oh sorry, man, you're going to
be up. I got like an hour last night. Wake
up and put a shirt out. Nobody needs to see
(39:38):
your look when I found in my pocket, let's blow.
Hey Kingo, Kingo, No, dude off, call me Kingo. You
know what, until today, I honestly wasn't aware you existed.
King of this country? Hey Kingo? Yes, how soon after
(40:01):
I'm trying to make it stick, thanks bro. How soon
after the ceremony? Can't make a royal pronouncement? What do
you mean immediately the ceremony? Where you want out of
the day. I don't quite understand what my daughter seasoned you,
(40:22):
but you're acting like a dumb dumb like Shirvan and
I met freshman year and it was love. Are your
girls are freak father daughter? How is my love? He's listen,
this is This is gonna be hard for me to say,
(40:42):
because what I say we will have to live with forever.
But I don't want you to marry him. I've drawn
into the mouth on my face. Sweet sweetness, you look fantastic.
I now have too, and each of them looks better
than the powder. If I remove the mouth, it will
(41:03):
make a terrible mess. Sh I'm so sorry. I have
two mouths for your special day. It's okay, please give
me an this is important and actually and they put.
I want this wedding not to go on. I want
to stop the wedding. Your groom to be is drunk.
If we're towels, they are on the tea towels. But
(41:28):
I want to stop this wedding as well, good good,
good cook love with someone else with what I'm in
love with the doll maker? What why? Listen? Chance that
you fucked on the first date? Well, how many people
are in love? Well? I fun chat on the first date,
which makes me feel like I should marry him. It's
(41:50):
just this dollmaker. We've yet to touch, and yet I'm
still pulling this thing out. Man, I don't know what
the hell's inside your ear, but this is I think
it's got stop pulling stuff pulling. It's like a necklace. Yeah,
it's like a necklace down your ear. Kid the kid, No, No,
(42:17):
he's my twin brother. He's my here. And before I
pronounced these two husband lives. If anyone has any reason
they should not, please make me your I do me?
(42:43):
Young man? What is your name? How did you get
inside the church? It was with a man mouth is
falling off, my man, I will ask only one more time.
You name? My name is Jonathan Wick? Are you the
dog maker? John Wick? How do you know John will
(43:06):
Ship got in here? Mr? Wick? What is your disagreement
with this union? And before God, ladies and gentlemen, all
of you who are gathered here today, go on. I
asked that you what get to it? Dude? You need
(43:27):
to make a royal pronouncement. Don't you give me a
round of applause? If you believe in true love? I
just truly chivan Is this true? Yes? V the doll maker? Yes, father,
he's obviously the dog He's got a doll with him.
(43:50):
That embars of me? Are you embarrassed of me? No? Mother,
My makeup is atrocious. You know, I want slid a
country into battle sweet in the middle of the wedding.
Don't call me king. And she is not my first
chose and she's a second. All right. We didn't even
know when we got together. I know what's up? Do anywhere? Blow?
(44:14):
I don't. But I have these pills with a little
syringe on it. You just squeeze it in, push it
in your rain, and then you pop the pill into
the syringe and then something happens. What we do not know?
These pills are in a syringe. No, no, no, the
pill is the syringe. All right, doll maker, step up,
step up. If you've got things to say, do it's
(44:36):
John Wick. I bring this dolls, not but as a symbol.
I'm gonna kill John Wick's doll. Don't touch this doll.
Don't touch this doll. Touch me. Don't touch this doll. Chiffon,
make this stop. I can't. I'm want to rip the
head off this doll. John Wick, don't you do that.
Don't you do that? I don't gotten the late Oh ship,
(45:06):
we died? Do we die? I think we died, bros.
What happened? I think boyd man? All right? Next, next one,
please step up. Excuse me, I'm next. I'm a doctor,
I'm a king. I should I choked on primary at
(45:27):
a steakhouse still being the queen do nothing for one
at such a place. I can only talk to one
of you to die. Oh, bother gummy drumstick? Who would
like to enter the kingdom? I do believe that it
is the king. I should be the first to go
through the gate. Fine, that's so bitchy, but he's never
(45:47):
been chivalrous. Your name is king O? Is that true?
Damn it? They're all dead. Say for you and I,
as I dreamed it would be. You have dreams, chavon. Oh,
(46:09):
they're waking up. They're waking up. Smash the head. They
all sound the same. What the fund happened? I was
dead for a minute there, I was gone. Dude, I'm
glad you were there. You were there. I hope I
was there. Wonderful Nick? Did you dose everybody? Well? Well,
(46:37):
if you excuse us, the guy and Van say something, yes,
how can I help you? Peter? Where did everybody else
behind me in the gate go? What happened? Apparently they
will called back. I'd like to go back. They have
(46:58):
three questions you must send to enter the kingdom of
the law. I'd like to go question number one, how
did you die? I choked on a steak at a restaurant.
I thought that was clear first. No, I was first.
Actually you should go ahead, go ahead and go find
the man who choked on a steak. You choked on
(47:19):
a steak and died? Yes, I did, and none of
my fellow doctors helped me. But I was choking on
a mozzarella stick. That's hard to do. It is hard,
but when you put ten in it once I overestimated
the girth of my throat. It's only one way to
find out. So they're all dead. Oh no, everyone's alive
except for the king. Except for the king. The king
(47:41):
is dead. So I'm king now right now? What do
you think I think it should be? Chad? What Chads?
My best man? You're not married yet. No one can
be king, but Chivon. You could make one badass queen. No, No,
(48:08):
I get to do it by myself. Mother, you're not well.
I get to do this by I once led a
country and I hollowed out squashes and filled them with grenades,
and I said to the children, take these to your
mother's and the rest as they say genocide. Hey, you know,
(48:28):
old lady, I'm totally down to like sack up with
you and I'll be your king. You be my queen,
lady what man, dude, trust me on this. I'm gonna
get you in, all right, I'll be I was already in.
I'll be your dad. I never loved you, von oh man,
I never loved you. Hurt, what's up with? She's sending
(48:52):
like very mixed messages like do you want to leave you?
I never loved you? But then also you should be king? Yeah,
like nuts, it's nuts, and you're my stepdaughter. Keep your
step in check. Look that's Spider wrote true love in
that whim with Spider with It's starting, but it's gonna
(49:15):
take a minute. I think it's an L and L. No, No,
it's a T. No. Is that how you spell? I
think that's just I think that's just a web. We
gotta move this king's body because that open chest that's
my father. I'll take him. Sarah snickers in there, there's
a nutrageous though. Oh ship split. It split that ship.
(49:40):
So I'd really like to come back to us. And
now it's my turn. Just send me back. I'm a king.
I should be able to ask for these things. There's
only one question you need to answer to return to it.
Give it to me seven two nineteen. Oh, I'm glad
that's not me. I don't even know if it is. Well,
(50:04):
they're mostly prime with one cut, a prime cut, just
as openery. Oh shit, okay, I'm so kiding who I
(50:30):
don't know? Chad, I'm not sure that we're right together
while we're breaking up. Just stomped on my ex husband's
head with your foot like a watermelon. It was not becoming,
not very kingly, Chad, my bead. Sorry, I'm at apology.
We can get bed. Before I pronounced these two man
(50:53):
and white. Is there anyone present who disagrees with their matrimony? Yes? You,
it was the same change. I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you,
my ear, my ear, I'm the twin brother. I feel
like since I'm twin brothers, darling, is it you? But
(51:15):
you're here with your chest open and your head smile.
I'm his disjointed and disjointed. Make your point, brother, Yes,
I've heard of you. You look just like him. No
excuse the blood coming out of my ear, but I
do believe that I become king when he's dead? Some
(51:36):
good thing. I'm here, okay, So none of this is
about the marriage. Everyone's okay with me marrying the doll maker.
You weren't getting married. I was marrying Chads. It's still
my day, mother, Chad. You'll get to pick which mouth
you kiss me. Okay, Well, then the doll Maker and
I will go. Let's go. We are too separate people.
(51:56):
Why are you saying that you do? I honestly, who's talking?
Were sounding so different? They don't have a keen ear
as all. We're just gonna let him go, the kind
of everybody? All right? Where can I take you to?
What part of London might your destination be? Are you
to look very much in love? I should say thank
(52:17):
you so much, thank you so much. Noticed right away
when you stepped in and you look nothing alike? Thank you? So?
Where would you like to go? Somewhere far far away? Yes,
far far away? Get you do sound slightly far away?
(52:41):
I don't want to answer this question anymore. I just
want to get away from this crazy madhouse kingdom. Than
away we shall go, and we've arrived. Great four thousand
shilling please, baby, you got that, of course I do.
I'm royal terrific. Great pay the man. Did you say
(53:02):
royalty No, no, I said royalty pace for nothing? Oh no, no, please,
I insist, I insist. I couldn't possibly take a pence. Baby,
he doesn't want it, don't give it to him. But
all right, I'll take it. Okay, here you are. Don't
tell anyone. Ah, here we are. We're walking to rockies,
rock and roll, sushi and hamburgers. Please see yourself, take
a menu. Serve will be within a second. Wow, darling,
(53:24):
this is fun. Yeah, I think it's cool. This is
like a fun little place. I'm back turned down there.
I couldn't make it down there on at the gate
and to the Kingdom of the law. Yeah, my body
is all you know, chest cavity, open the whole shop. Bang,
(53:47):
you're ready to answer these three questions? Oh there's three more.
They know my questions? Okay, sure, yes if question number one? Okay, Spain, Portugal,
the United Kingdom? Excuse me? Can I get ahead of you?
I ate an undercooked portobello mushroom that I cooked myself.
(54:11):
I'm a chef at a steakhouse. Is this one of
the questions? Yes, you can go forward. That is the
correct I just don't understand. I haven't seen a new
soul come into heaven so long. I don't know what
the deal is. I don't know either. He's at his post.
I just went and looked out there. He's out there.
(54:31):
There's a line I see. I thought I would move.
The line moves. People keep skipping each other. It looks like,
and then answered one question and then moving back. The
line is an organism, you know. I just I should
have just said fuck it. You know you can't do everything.
Look my dad, I know Jesus, you can't do every
Why not? Why not what I done? Isn't it supposed
(54:54):
to be? Everyone's in? It wasn't that the deal? Why
is he? It was unclear? Why you weren't? You weren't clear?
And I think I was pretty clear that when I
got when I gotta know, why you don't just do
a damn miracle, prove some stuff. I've done enough. I've
done enough miracles. It's true. It's crazy to me that
I gotta keep doing this. It's just like, oh yeah,
it's all about you, isn't it. I just I just
(55:14):
want to say I'm having a great time here. I'm
finding truffles everywhere. Thank you, Mr Big, Mr Zuckerman, Mr Zuckerman. Sorry,
I'm gonna do a very confusing, very confusing, but also
building a bridge, which I appreciate that. Yeah, uh, and
just have fun over the corner. It's just like, I
(55:36):
don't understand why more people just like aren't in. We'll
fix it. You just told me not. You just told
me I can't do every well. I'm sick of hearing
you talk honestly. Are we going to be honest? Yeah,
let's be honest. Okay, I've known you since your earth time? Yeah,
do you have? And I'm over you. I was over
you once and then I got back and now I'm
over you again. Cool. I'm glad I brought you in.
(55:56):
I'm glad I said you're forgiven. You know what I
brought myself in? You know you? You didn't you did?
I know you didn't. You don't know everything? Yes I do? Yes?
Oh my god, here we go again. This is so fun.
You slow down on that sushi, Slow down on that sushi.
It's just so thirsty, darling. Re lax. All right, let's
(56:19):
do some grieving shots from the two doctors. We lost
all right, grieving shots, shots with the docs we lost?
Can we get can we get a cot more shots?
I've I've got a lot of step ones. Thank you,
guys for clatterizing least wounds. But yeah, you're so shuts shuts, shut, shuts, shuts.
Thank you. Let me tell you some clatterizing something. Jesus,
(56:41):
thank you for dying for everyone sins. I just have
three questions for you in order to get into the
Kingdom of your father. I just went out to take
a piss. Are you serious? Three? The first question is
what's to deal with Judas? I don't know. Honestly, I
(57:04):
don't know. I don't know. Yeah, I forgive the guy.
I know what he's gonna do. He has to do
it to the whole thinking move. And then he comes
book up here and he's just like I made it happen.
Question number two, when you piss, does it sting of? Yeah? Three?
Why uh? Everything? Okay, I was just talking about I'll
(57:32):
talk about he's good. I know I'm good. I know
I'm good. I know I can tell him you're good
for you, He's good. Thank you, And that's how Jesus
got to Heaven. That's our show. For today. It's like
all of our Alchemist Joey Gram thank you so much,
Buddy boy Man, happy to be here. Congratulations on the
success of your first album. Thank you. Very exciting. People
(57:54):
can get it wherever they get music, Spotify, iTunes. It's
called good Night with Joey Greer. It's a fun time.
Yeah it is. I love it from beginning to end.
I'm now playing it backwards. Nice still Good's a whole
different story. James Heeney, thanks for having me, guys, and
you know what, let me just say thank you for
all the reviews. They're just pouring in the Oh. Here's
(58:15):
one right here. Uh, funny and charming group of people.
I'm not this. I think I love Elchemy. This not
only is a great podcast idea, but the improv group
is absolutely amazing. They also keep you hooked with new
guests and two new episodes a week. And Joey Greer
is in it too, so that's funny. But but there
was one and I can't find it right the second
(58:37):
but somebody gave us only four stars and their critique
if it was that now that we have a Patreon
that they don't have access to it. But it's not
like we're making less content. We're just doing more. If
you want more, you can have more. But your your
regular listening experience is not altered. That Yeah, well that person, no,
(58:59):
no nice shame. They were just and you know better,
you do better. So I'm glad you read that and
we had a chance to critique it. Craig Katkowski. Yeah,
follow me at Kikowski on Twitter or see Kikowski on
Instagram and joined that Patreonvaniche Yes, you can go to
Dynasty typewriter dot com or follow dinas two typewriter on
(59:19):
Instagram or see you know boring life pictures from me
at Vanessa Hope on Instagram. Wait to sell, Thank you
first at Chris Alvarado. I just bring all the hot content.
It's my thing. Let's thank our engineer at the Stars,
Richard dug Our post sign design autos and I heard media.
(59:43):
I'm a doctor. All of you to write a review
to lif whe you've ever met, then write to us
at your name here a document this dot com. I'm
your host, Kevin Polic Until next time. Yea smokes wo
and a football and a football
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Kevin Pollak
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