September 10, 2019 • 55 mins
Medieval Prisoners Welcome A New Inmate; Inventor Strolls And Solves Problems; Hipsters Discover Hitler.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. There time your
host Kevin Paul. I guess that Kevin Paul. Hey listen
if you think you can do better? Fine, No, no, no,
you're right. There are a lot of podcasts she was from.
Well listen. If you ever need life of filling laughter again,
please consider giving us another try and enjoy your yet
another disturbing true crime podcast. Any but I digress. Let's
(00:22):
meet our acumisten no particular order, shall we what? I'll
be a monkey? Hey, you got away from that window?
Can't you show you? There's a lady man out there
named Joey Greer. Hello, Justice of girl Land. When you're
gonna pay me back the six bucks you borrowed? Uh,
it's James Heeney. I don't know anybody any great gosh Almadia.
(00:48):
It's Mark Gagliardi MG. Not mcg um. That's true. We
get confused a lot, right. What was your favorite childhood
Christmas gift? Uh? When I was a child, I got
a Minuto album and a keyboard. No, and I could learn,
And I taught myself some keyboard via the Menudo album.
(01:09):
That's the greatest gift ever. Right, God, where's video when
you need next up, It's not really that heavy. The
one who wears the crown when I'm out of town,
Cold Stratt, Coleman, Comma Dapney. As a founder of SF
Sketch Best, maybe you can explain this. What is the
(01:30):
fucking deal with Joey Greer? You know he submits every
year tape after tape after tape, and it's mostly him
just watching TV and you won't program I won't program
it weird. Right, hold the damn door. There's a lady
in the who's say hello to returning champ Jen Murray,
(01:52):
Jen Gary, Jen Ross. How many times do I have
to tell you? Yep? That's three and last. But may
all your Tomorrow's arrived way too damn early if you
think him least, it's James Heney Jimmy jingle all the way.
M hmm, No, not all the way. It's no longer appropriate.
(02:13):
It's gone over. The line has not served it well,
that is also Craig. All right, let's get to our
first scene. All of today's scene suggestions were gathered from
our listeners email. If you'd like to submit yours, please
write to the podcast at your name here at Alchemy
thist dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this
dot com. Our first sname comes from Audrey, who wrote,
(02:34):
Hey alchemists. I was so excited to hear y'all use
my first suggestion the unaired antiques road show of appraisals.
That was damn fun. I was so sure it wasn't
going to be used, but when Cole said my name,
I thought, oh, fun, another Audrey, before realizing he was
reading my words. Thank you for the giddiness. And last,
my new suggestion is this a group of prisoners in
(02:57):
a medieval castle dungeon, chain to the wall, dangling in
a cade, strapped to the rack. What have you communicate
by carrier pige into some anonymous source that claims to
have a plan to free them. Thank you all, and
congrats to Vanessa on your precious baby. Stay funny are
we've got a new one. We've got a new one.
(03:18):
Get off of me, unhand me scallion, chain me up
with me as you will. I will speak on all
man's behalf. Oh it's a political prisoner. We got here
now bread then people need a bread? And what would
(03:39):
they do with the bread? Mate? They will eat the
bread and become strong right, so he vanquish you, so
you'll cry was being self involved in? Is I too much?
And other people's business? Right? So you'll be there while
let's get a quite a shelly fine right over your
left here is slippy right. I was like, and how
(04:00):
do you do? What's all they stay? I'm in prison?
What's all? This? A political prison? They're real blow Jesus right?
People need bread? Yeah, you keep saying that people need bread.
You know what these people in ear need. These people
in Ear need another missive from that carrier pigeon that
(04:20):
keeps telling us how we're going to get the hell
out of here. Submissive? What they need? A submissive? Just
shut up politics, man, Look the pigeons back food, back
that food. Who can reach his foot? We're go get
a message from his food? Yeah, I think I'll be
able to reach with my toes. Nickeled on. Let me
(04:43):
slide down to it. God, you killed the fucking messenger
squeeze its organs out of its mouth and the anus.
That is a mistake. I mean, and you know the
phrase don't kill the messenger. He literally a messenger pigeon. Well,
I made a mistake here. Let's fumble through its corpse,
(05:04):
and there's a letter of interesting tiny words. What he says, yes, yes,
shall the individuals trapped inside car hots castles. She's talking
(05:25):
to us queen carts. She locked us old down in here,
yes she did, because she doesn't want us to have bread.
We need bread, people, can you can you ask me
this new guy? What have you got? Celiac? That's good question,
that one is right? Yes, well, um, bread bread. You're
(05:53):
running on the bread platform. What if you can't bread?
What you're doing? In a smart guy? You the university
for that. I did write, if you can't have bread,
then did you dingle some bulls? It can be Come on,
all right, come on, that's just a rumor. Alright, alright,
well look I got a question for you. Yes, what
(06:17):
the fuck does the letter from the pigeons? Oh yeah,
he begged it litter? I offer you an escape, an
opportunity for freedom, right, And then we reply this is
back and forth, right, such tiny lettering, let's seed, let's
because we need to write. And then he writes me writing,
(06:40):
although I'm assuming it's a he, that could be could
be a woman, could be an animal. Why would it
be an animal? I don't know, just assuming right, haven't
an animal that can write no. But it doesn't mean
that that's out of the question. It could be fucking
bread too, We don't. Yeah, maybe bread wrote the note.
Maybe to go with that assumption, written by bread, keep going,
(07:02):
written by Bread to each of you. I ask of
the a question that will answer. We right to know
the way outside of the castle. He's doing riddles. We
must be able to handle the battle, the battle. Who
could be battle with him? We could be battling ourselves,
(07:25):
could be setting up a war right with the queen.
Possibly right, Maybe this is an opportunity for the bread
to rise up. Maybe the battle is just kicking this
guy's ass now hold on, hold on all right? Maybe not?
Maybe not? Wait, I hear some nose out there, right
for your queen. I rise for no queen or kings
(07:51):
of the people. Just get up. Hello, prisoners, my prisoners,
I am the queen. Yes, Mom, I'm sorry, I'm so
four from all the bread. Anyway? Did you get bread?
Did you get Okay, I've had bread. You'll carry your
(08:15):
pigeons upon the ground. Oh, I squshed out the organs
of your carrier right way, hundreds of carrier. Your carrier pigeon.
You're the ones been telling us how to escape from
your castle. Who did you think it was an animal? Bread?
(08:42):
Did you get it? What did you think of my riddle?
Clever mom? So so we figure out to riddle and
then we get to leave. That's it? Oh that sounds fine, Yes,
let's do that. I'll never take your help ever. For
God's sake, someone shut this lefty stuff arn to bend,
you know what I mean. It's a little bit more fleasible.
I'm never work good tyrants. Ever. We won't we help us? One? Ben? Right?
(09:04):
Why don't we here? Oh my god, Oh my god?
Not bred more breds are sticking out the skin. So,
your majesty, is this the battle that you said we
would have to do in order to leave? Yes, yes, yes,
I need an army, and so I figured maybe you
(09:26):
guys blokes go to fight for me and we'd take
the castle down the road. Be proud of it. Right? Sure? Then?
Sure this went so smoothly. I'm sorry, I'm good, I'm
alreally a warrior. We love these prisoners. This one cries
over A bird's a warrior to warriors. Somebody killed? Maybe
(09:48):
this one should take our places? Then? No, suspicious like
you don't. Please, don't broke me up. I don't want
me walked up. Put. I'm on the wreck. Put, I'm
under put. That's a good idea. We do that. You don't, well, no,
I don't want to do the rock company. Good boys,
lie down here, I don't don't hear stretch him nice
way with my wrists. Don't give up, good soldier. We
(10:19):
can armor. This is great, very exciting. Yeah, I have
some upstairs yet, we can got a bunch of all
bread baskets, bad bread. Who are you fighting this time? Man?
The guys down the way? My lord, my lord, I'm here,
(10:42):
my lord. You're screaming at my face. My lord, can
you hear me? I hear you. You're shouting and spitting apart,
my lord, my lord, can you hear me? I can
hear your message has come from the other castle of
Queen Cart. Queen Car? What does she want? She brings
(11:02):
death upon your doorstep. You don't think she could do it?
Could she? I think, with a thousand percent of my
bread mind that she could. That she could? Yes, oh
oh no, yes, oh good god. I thought that there
was you, my chief war strategy. Oh yeah, this is
(11:23):
bad yes, of course we were laughing. We were laughing.
I thought it was a good thing. What what options
do we have? Well, huh, well we could like you're
making this up. Your only primary job is to protect
our castle. Course of course, in fact protection you made
(11:43):
I have made. I need to check something outside. So
far it's about the youth. We've set up the balcony. Yes,
of course, I've got how many will be darning with you?
Were just myself, one for the queen, and don't forget
(12:05):
the o'maleys. Them will definitely coming. The old mallies are
coming further if they duncan Trevor Stafford? Is everyone all right? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, okay,
oh yeah, we're ready for dinner with the king. How
many of mellews are there? That's just us four the
forum mellows, the King, the Queen right right after the kitchen,
then luncheon one half wind half of an hour. But perfect,
(12:31):
I get it. You want to attack the kingdom down
the road. That's the one with the O'Malley's. It's not
nine children in the kingdom. Oh that one's got the O'Malley's.
I forgot about that. Yeah, right, who are the allies?
The bread, give us you get up there. They are
a baking family. That it's a family of bakers, but
(12:52):
they deserve to die, though I'm with the mom. I
hang on a second, No, how are they not deserving
since what a children like going? They only deserve to
die because you know that it will get us out
of here. I'm sorry, your majesty. We don't mean to
speak openly in front of you and not address you,
but I enjoy listening bread speak openly against the tyrant.
(13:15):
Put the dead picture in. That fucker's said right in
my eye. You're putting his eye on his mouth. Why
you're not stuffing it in his mouth? That's the part
that's well. I don't like the way look, so I'm
(13:37):
not looking. It's spread of ground right now. Give me that.
I'll do it. I'll do it. I can't really look
on it. I'll just I'll just shove it somewhere first
the rack. Then this that's no fun. Sorry, sorry spoking
our aim before we go to wall with the people
down the right for bread, I have had that put
(14:01):
in his mouth. Absolutely not to give the people bread
can't possibly satisfying, even if it's to shut him up.
I mean that makes sense. A little bit of bread,
A little bit of bread like the bread's ass. They
all right, right, Yeah, let's put the heel. It's poetic,
it would be poetic. Yeah, put the queen's foot in
(14:23):
his mouth in Oh, I can't say no to you
boys and chains. Okay, here, you enjoy your heel. Fuck
your bread off, mashicade. That don't make you young? Noises,
stop it. Terrible mistake. I knew it. I should follow
(14:45):
my instincts. Can you pass the grave he please? I
should have my gravy man. Come, gravy man. Oh, that
seems that doesn't seem necessary. We can just well, I'm
mucking and the lord. And if I don't have someone
bring gravy to me, then, oh my god, oh my goodness.
(15:05):
And I will tell you when my guy more gravy.
You get a greedy guy, start with me more? How
how many of the things on his face or eyes?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Can
you believe it? A whole man dedicated, just a gree
I love it? Married, I say again, mom, can we
(15:29):
get a gravy man? Uh? In time? Okay? Christmas is
I don't want to say, but I don't think the
O'Malley's will ever be able to afford a grave man.
That's kind of a royal maybe, why do you hear
the bat? Okay, let's see. How will you think you'd
get a gravy your highness? And I just if I
can speak for the family, I think, uh, you know,
(15:50):
with all the respect, thank you for having us and
being inspidable. But to assume that we wouldn't be able
to achieve a gravy man, that's uh, that's where I'm
gonna have to stop you. What do you get your
Malley's have heart? Right? They got sold? Yeah, they got love,
that's right, dad. Sure the man needs to be paid
something that you know can't be paid with love and heart.
(16:11):
That's true. You need money to take me away from
the kingdom. Cost a lot, It would cost a lot.
There's not enough money in this kingdom for many people
to have gravy man? How many? Leading on? How much
does a bread baking family make? Well, we make quarterly
about fifty yes? Really? And then and then that's all
(16:36):
I expected? How you could be bad stuff? What do
you think I mean? Um, let's just do the math
out loud. It's easier for youth out. Okay, you're pressuring me. Okay,
it's in front of them, dad um, your majesty grave man,
(17:00):
who is who is that lady outside with those three
guys following or marching on the castle? That's from the
kingdom down the way, the kingdom down the way. I
I we've got a whole armory of soldiers that should
be dealing with them. I wouldn't gates. The queen demand's entrance.
Open your gates or for the suld Yeah, don't done.
(17:25):
They'll take your bread. Why the hell did these backpack
straps hurting my shoulders? Right, he's a mule, right then
let that queen in. Right, we're having dinner. I'm having
the Omalley's for dinner. May we come back maybe tomorrow? Today?
(17:47):
Still good for me. We have to do it today.
We got to do it today. You want to be
here for dinner, let's say one hour. I'm going to
just finish one dinner and have a second dinner in
an hour. That's laughable. Look, send out your gravy man,
we're gonna attack. Okay, okay, graveyman, I have deepest regrets.
(18:09):
Keep talking. I'm gonna have to send you out to
the queen. It seems that my chief Warton m he
did not prepare for a battle. So we're going to
either lose or I'll have to lose my gravy man.
I'm ready deserves that. All right, Well we'll open the
gates and good luck. Which one is the queen or
(18:30):
she'll be the tall woman with all of the people
that are probably in, you know, varying levels of enslavement
to her. You'll know who she is, trust me, queens
and women. Oh yeah, she's a woman. Keep talking. Well,
I would be careful. She's a powerful woman, and one
(18:50):
wrong move could lend you and change quite easy. I'm
not all powerful. It's here amazing. Can you understand everything
he says? Most of it is just using mental telepathy
to sneak That sounds help, but it's kind of like shade.
Where would I live? Achilles heal? I would assume thought
(19:15):
I thought he said hercules shield. I'm sorry? Is he
and some sort of curse? It's duncan you wait to talk? Sorry, Sorry,
that's okay, duncan And so it is a curse. He
was cursed by the witches. Would you like to say
what the questions three only you can solve and I
(19:36):
can't solve the puzzles, so the curse down. So it sucks.
It's a bomb bomb? Is it that puzzle that's on
the table here? You could never solve the just picture
of a tiger. There you go, don't help. We can
do this. Yeah, this is easy. We're gonna slide puzzles. Okay,
and uh there we go. I'll done till I'm free. Hey,
(19:57):
did we just free your gravy man? Oh? Damn? Time
was using that? Well? I was going to give him
to the queen anyways, but now he's gonna go on
his own free will. Well, well, the gravy man marry
the Queen tune next week to find out seem too.
Today is from Marcus, who wrote, Hello alchemist, You guys
(20:19):
just make my day when I clean windows here in
the cold north of Denmark. And yes, podcasts exists over
here too, They're just not as good as yours. I
have a scene suggestion. A curious inventor goes down the
street listens to people complain about their everyday problems, only
to readily interrupt them to show them his new invention
(20:41):
that will help them. Every time he stops new people.
He will pull new inventions from his backpack like a cartoon. Ps.
I like the cocos the most, both of them. Wow,
seems weird. And the rest of us will be over
here at the ship plate. Your dear listener from Denmark,
Marcus Knudson. By the way, would it be okay if
(21:04):
we made films of your scenes? Me and a friend
who has a film company. We think it would be
very funny to see your scenes acted out on film.
Sorry for my bad English, I'm gonna say yes, yes, yes, Marcus,
you go ahead and make some films. But yeah, and
let us know how the Kokowskis feel about your films
(21:25):
and send send it to our Instagram account. Well, I'm
happy to do sound on it, you know. And Joey Gerstein.
All right, onto the streets we go with a curious inventor.
I can't seem to get both of my shoes off.
If only there was some ways. Just holds still and
I'll pull right. We've been doing this for an hour,
(21:46):
I know, but you know, you get one off every
time and then we can't get the other shoes. I
hate to our front porch. I just happened to be
walking by and I, uh, I heard about your little
dilemma here. What is your My? My name is Marcel,
(22:06):
and I do happen to be an inventor. And I
think I may have something in my backpack that might
help you out. What do you got that? Something that's
gonna make your shoes come right off your body? I
have a hard time believing that you have something like that.
We've struggled for this with this for years. Well, window,
instead of continuing to struggle, we give the stranger from
(22:26):
a far off lane a chance to help. You haven't
heard my invention yet. What do you call it? I
call it a bellows. Here's what I do. I'm going
to shove it in your mouth, inflate you. Your feet
are gonna become great big, and your shoes are gonna
pop right off your body. So you're gonna inflate me
through the mouth, open wide science. That's amazing. How do
(22:49):
you feel now? I feel strange, but my shoes came off.
It's incredible. Well, I'll see you later. Wow, that was
really nice of him. Really want. I'm sorry to say this,
but looking at your your medical report looks like your
entire internal organs are distended. Yeah, well, I put a
(23:10):
thing in my mouth and blew me up. He put
a thing in your mouth, inventor. He put a device
in my mouth and expanded my entire body. Well, I
like a balloon that my shoes popped off. So you're
saying there's trouble from that. Yes, you're saying that turns
out that wasn't the best thing for the inside of
my body. Is the best bedside banner you could have? Well,
are you a doctor? I am a doctor? Okay, thank
(23:32):
you very much. I am a doctor. Because it says
Costco on your name, that's my name. I feel like
we should go to a real doctor, a real doctor.
You don't want to go to Don Costco anymore. You
want to go see a real doctor, doctor don Costco. Yes,
I got one from TV. Yes, how do you do nice?
I've never seen the show. I just hear about it.
We'll talk to me when you see the show. Okay,
(23:54):
Right in the meantime, what can you tell me about
my my problem with doctor? It's almost time now break? Okay. Well,
what I can tell you right now before I have
to take my snack break is that all your organs
they're all jumbled up, all right, jumbled, yes, and how
long he might live. But you're gonna need some Kirkland batteries. Okay,
that's something I can tell you, right. I mean, I
feel great for now, but I do the Kirkland batteries.
(24:18):
You're gonna you want to rub them on your feet.
I have to go on my snack break. Okay, so
just Shannon, I just I'm getting schooled on the court.
I can't dunk. Everybody else is dunking. I can't dunk.
Oh well, did you try jumping higher? Yeah, I've tried.
I can't get any higher. I don't got the lift.
Oh well, excuse me. I can't help but over here,
(24:39):
but my name is Marcel, and uh I might have
an invention that could help you with your dunking. Okay,
this is weird kitchen, but well, you know, the window
was open. I figured i'd come by and uh, and
it's lovely in here. Told you to stop leaving. K're right,
I'm sorry, but I think I can help you dunk
young man. Okay, I'm all ears for this. I got
(25:01):
a game in forty five. We're just finishing up den
expecting company. Do you want something to drink? Oh? Sure, sure,
I would love something to drink, anything at all. Anything
that you put in a cup, I will drink. Okay.
And as for you, young man, I even invention here
in my backpack. They just might help you out. All right,
let's see it. It's called him bellows helping the mouth.
(25:22):
And I'm just gonna inflate your behalf. And now, whenever
you want to dunk, just poke a couple of holes
in your feet. You'll shoot right up to the sky. Okay,
all right, thanks for the cup of whatever they catch up. Okay.
By Yeah, we're gonna have to get the fire department
in here or something. That guy stuck in the rafters. Honey, man,
please we gotta make a perimeter. Okay, man, please do
(25:43):
you see me dunk? Yeah? So this guy has been
up for about six hours or something. I don't know.
I mean, tell whether we get him down or call
the New York next I could use it forward. You
were the things the time. This guy. I think we
just opened up to the rafters and let him out,
like float up to the Sorry, he's gonna explode up there.
How about poking some more holes in the kid We
(26:04):
didn't hear that's dangerous. Shoot all over the place. We
just gotta get him down, all right, that's it, all right, brainiac?
How we're getting him down? Wait, wait for the fire
department to come down. They go, how they're gonna bring
up here? They're to bring him down? What are we
doing here? We're just making sure if he folds, there's
a witness or something, right, Okay, all right, it's his
wife over there or something. I don't know, maybe his
girlfriends usually out. But I gotta bb gun, and I think,
(26:27):
whoa whoa man, just a bb gun? What are they're
talking about? Shooting you down? What he always shot? I
want to make is a dunk. Let's keep a perimeter. Okay,
let's keep a perimeter, so I little dunk her up there.
How this happened in the first place, those kids cooled
on the court and an inventor came by with something
called up bellows. Right, that's it, that's it. That's what
(26:48):
I fill you up with. A yeah, And that's how
I got up here. But not after my game where
I scored two points? Duncan What happened to this Invnafela? Well,
it's weird. He just kind of appeared in our kitchen
and then he disappeared. We gotta find this inventor guy,
because if he can get him up, he's got to
be able to get him down. Hey, we're parks and
wreck man. Okay, we're parks and so we don't have
to help. Right at that gate, that's where my job ends. Like,
(27:11):
that's where at the end of the park. Yeah, all right,
do you want to do actually curricular, then you do it.
I'm just gonna open up the window up there, and
up the window. It's gonna be fine. All right, Well
that I say, we try to find this in benefill.
Our boat is filling up with water. I don't know
(27:33):
how we're gonna get to shore. I don't know how.
Use your hands, bail bails. I'm trying to bail as
much as I can. It's just I feel like this
is it for us. This is this is it. I've
always loved you. I loved you too. Hey, there fellas
we in your boat. I couldn't help, but notice your
little dilemma you have here. It looks like your boat sinking.
(27:58):
I happen to have something here that might be able
to help you. Yeah, boat, can we get on? Get
on your boat? It's called a bellows open your mouth
and in faces, and that should Now that you're nice
and tight, that should stop all the leaking in your boat.
I thought it was gonna make me float, my butt
(28:21):
stuck in the hole in the boat. See no more leaking? Okay?
By who sucks? Okay, Um, I don't work so far
out still? No, we ran out of that hours ago.
At least the water stuffed. I almost forgot something. This
(28:43):
sun out here is pretty harsh. You guys are gonna
need this bellows for your sun burns. Okay, I'm sorry,
Mrs Weathermore, but the passing number husband doesn't mean that
you don't have to pay for the boat's rental. So
(29:03):
we're gonna we're gonna need Do you need something from
the bail? Do you get the paperwork film? Yes? All right,
I don't know what I'm good at. Just write a
check on I don't have any I don't have any money.
That's going to be a problem. My husband took care
of the us left a boat. Another family arrested one
(29:28):
of our Rhode Island dolphins. So it's an oh, my beautiful,
utiful craft and he's dead. This is the first time
hearing of this. This is just a lot of information
on um. Do you wanna just get that checker? Okay,
here's do you have some kind of We have his shoes,
(29:49):
but we got the guy shoes still, right, I think
so to The shoes cost as much as the boat.
I'm wearing shoes I'm wearing this year, so I can't
we don't know where the shoes. What is there anything
left of it? Is that I just can't keep this
fire going. It keeps getting down. I can't keep the
fire going. Well, how about adding some more woods papers?
(30:13):
I'm trying it rained recently. The wood's too wet. It
was doing his best alight. It's just cold, right, But
if you complain more, it doesn't help. Sorry, I'm trying
to make it hot in here. Don't you understand that
you're saying the wood, Yeah, it's wet, it rained recently.
I don't think it will take. Yeah, well it's got
to be somewhere when you get this fire. Excuse me
or you hi up? My name is Marcel. You come
(30:35):
from I came from just outside, right, But we're a
cabin in the wood. Yeah, just outside it just woods? Yeah,
you can I happen to overhear you. How's that I
happened to overhear you from from the woods. Where are
we outside? All right? Yeah? And why are you here? Well,
I heard you had a little dilemma. We can't get
(30:57):
this fire going. Oh gosh, I might have something in
my bag that will help that. He's reaching for a gun.
He's reaching for a gun. Oh god, God, oh god,
I will choke the life out of you. You're trying
to say something with him. I have something for you
(31:19):
in my backpack that wells out of here. What is it?
It's it's a shoehorn. Yeah. Oh wait, No, maybe that
won't help. I got it. Hold on, let me see
what else I got in here? Trying to get a fire?
Got a book on how to be a better basketball player,
(31:41):
got a boat patch huh? And he's got a gun
throwing on the fire. So I'm throwing on the fire.
I can't okay, but he's all wet too. I don't
think we're gonna be able to light him on fire.
It's true, all right, mr. If you go for that
(32:04):
gun one more time, I swear, I promise I don't
have a gun in there. Do you understand what we're
trying to do here, trying to get a fire. You're
trying to get a fire, and you said you could help.
You came out of the woods to help. Yeah, so
what do you got? I got a shoehorn, a book
on basketball skills, and a boat patch. Maybe with those
things you can figure out how to get your fire going.
(32:24):
What if we ripped up the book on basketball? Who use?
That's the tinder? But how will we learn to play basketball?
I don't know, but i'm cold. All right, we'll tear
that up. Good, Okay, that that'll work. Sure, And I
don't know where to go from here. Sure you got Oh, yeah,
(32:45):
that's nice. That's it. It's working a little bit sparking.
Oh that's real nice. It's a lot warmer. Thanks guy
from the woods. Hey, no problem. Thanks for letting me
come in and hang out in your cabin for a while,
enjoy your fire. So he had no bellows for us,
the one place that we could have finally used his
(33:06):
ridiculous contraption. Our last scene for today, Norway. We've gone
from Denmark to Norway. Right, it's uh, have Vard h
A V A R D. But there's a thing over
the a that I don't recognize. Harvard yep who wrote
(33:27):
it's an R next to that's what over the a
R greeting from Norway. I don't really have a touching
story about how your podcast changed my life, cured my depression,
or got me a girlfriend like other people who send
in suggestions, So this episode better be good because I'm
hoping for all three. Anyway, my idea is Hitler didn't
(33:53):
die in that bunker Jesus, thank you Norway. Insteady hit
in a secret room connected to it. He's been surviving
on a combination of cockroach, just bats, and the occasional
toad that jumps yb After all these years, he finally
decides to head out of his cave, where he stumbles
upon a group of people that decide to show this
(34:13):
old man around his new the New Society. We follow
Hitler on his journey to become hips Havard Tonning from Norway.
So anyways, we're we're are just about through our journey here,
(34:34):
and um, we have two more stops to make. Can
we use the restroom at any point? Yeah? Sure? Who
needs to go? Everyone needs to go? Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't realize it was such a problem. So we
have one restroom, so just figure out who's gonna go first.
I'm gonna go first. It's an emergency, an emergency as well,
emergency for the lady. I think maybe I haven't plugging
myself with something with a free bread you've been giving us, okay,
(34:57):
and it's getting pretty soggy. I understand lugging yoursel. Yes,
are you saying you would push bread into Yes? I
have a loose sphincter. All right, Oh, it was a
basketball injury. I was picturing you pushing bad That's impossible,
like you guys, storytell I'm going to go to the bathroom. Okay, listen.
(35:18):
While she's gone, I have something to ask you guys. Yeah,
what is your money? Yes? Okay? Do you have like
a dollar each? Yeah? Yeah? Really? Yeah? Alright, that was
the whole thing. Yeah, I'm gonna have lunch today. This
is great. You can get more than that's only three dollars.
That enough for a lot. Do not go in there?
(35:43):
That was fast. Yeah, it was an emergence. The hell
should we go in there? Oh? Why the hell should
the only bathroom? And now we can't go in there?
It's a figure warning exactly what the hell can we
God that I can't go in there? Now I can't
go maybe ink a little bit. Why do you gotta
make a thing? It's stunk a little bit. I can
go in there, but now I can't go in there.
(36:05):
I can't go in there. Fu it. I'm doing it here.
I'm doing it here, alright. Let us know how that
works out. All right, we're gonna see it. He's doing
it right here, Broculpied. What the fuck occupie? Oh my god,
I've been shifting on this old guy. Oh my god,
I'm shitting on the Oh I kiss that. Shifting on
(36:26):
this guy shing on me. It gives the ship on
this sing on me, kiss them shitkis a minute, it's
in my mouth. Oh my god, over my you've got
to stop. There's no way this person deserves what you're
giving him right now, being coming right now, hold my arms.
(36:53):
That's probably it's the person that's the first loof my
God in him, and I am coming. Okay, Jeff, You're okay, Jeff,
You're gonna be okay. They're not going to be ok
comment in human ship. Sorry, old man. Let you really
(37:14):
are old? How I'm a hundred and ninety what hundreds
on ninety? Yeares old? Just on a hundred ninety year
old guy. It's going to be some kind of record.
It's not one did anybody wants to have? Is that record? Okay?
But what are you doing down there hiding? Oh? This
looks like a whole bunker system with that. Gotta be
(37:36):
the craziest game of hide and seek effort. Yes, it's
a very long game of hide and seek. I must
have won. You must have won. Did I win? I
think so? Did I been? I mean I've not walked
out to this room since nineteen forty five? What happened?
Let's not rehash nineteen forty five? Remember if that happened
(37:57):
in nine? Remember it? Sorry, has anybody using the us
here ship? Hold? I gotta go real bad? Every bunch
shipping on that poor old daddy so good? It's a
(38:31):
single strand. Let me throw down a rope to you, sir.
Here's a here's a rope. I think they just did
a big lunch. I'm ready to do a gravy man.
He gave me a bunch. Yeah. Do you also have
happened to have like a wet towel or something? You
just gave it a hundred ninety year old man a
(38:52):
rope to climb up on. I'm not going down there.
He's covered in ship. Okay, Well, first of all, he's
not really hundred ninety because it's how possible. Also, what
happened that the stock market crashed? Oh my god, probably
went in there. A lot of old people did a
lot of weird things when the stock market cras. So
he maybe it was twenty Maybe he wrote time Plane
(39:16):
or something. I don't know. Maybe he wrote time Plane road.
The Stephen King thing. Why don't you ask him a
couple of questions? Why are you speaking so quiet? It
took me a minute. I may have been a little
off on my numbers. I believe I'm a hunt twenty one.
Here's a girl I like you. So what are you
(39:43):
doing down there? But I was hiding? Yeah, you said that,
it's a long time to hide. Yeah, from ghosts, from well,
the ghosts of my past. What's your name? Isn't my
name is uh A Braham? Are you Abraham Lincoln? Yes?
Come on talk it was from the Great Depression. He's
(40:06):
not for the Great Depression. I told you I'm definitely
Abraham Lincoln. Because he doesn't have his hat on. I
bet you if he had a really tall hat. You
can tell you've been down there. I've been down here
since nine You have relax. This guy's got a temper
like seventy four years ago. That's seventy years. He's got
(40:29):
some paintings down here, right, can't really tell it. They're
Wait what you don't like my paintings? One other shift
on them. I don't know if that's us or painted shit.
Oh my god. All right, let's go ahead. And your
last night you checked into your room, sir? You really
smell terrible. I have been shipped on for seventy five years. Okay, great,
(40:50):
this is a red roof, and we don't ask any questions. Um, alright,
Link Lincoln you said yes, great, Abraham Lincoln, alright, third floor.
Your buddy is paid for the room here to meet. Sorry,
I'm sorry to interrupt, and do you matter if I
cut I? Oh wow, look at this. Huh? You know
a piece of ship, aren't you. Huh, here's a piece
(41:13):
of shit, aren't you? I got a problem and you
won't even let me fight. Huh, here's a piece of ship.
You are American? Of course I'm American. Are you hitting
on my wife? He's trying to hit on me I'm
not hitting on your wife. I'm gonna pull every goddamn
two thout of your head. Why would you? I'll teach
(41:34):
you to look at my wife like that. It's only
got one too, That's all he needed to do. Do
you two need a room? Oh yeah, we had a
complete with the ice machine isn't working? Floor three? Let's
say somebody plugged it up with what shit? Somebody plugged
up the ice machine was caked up in there, and
it seems like I know the culprit I did it.
(41:56):
Don't sign that great, I'll make a note of it.
We'll send somebody up tomorrow. Probably because this is a
red roof. And is this what people act like in
twenty nine? Is this what happens? Where you been all
this time? I've been in a bunk of getting shipped
on what I've been told? Why does everyone keep asking?
Seventy four years I was underground hiding. But why would
(42:20):
you say if people kept shipping? Because I could not
I could not get out. You know it's the ship,
sir as the makeover a district on third and fifth.
Just head down there. They make overt make of a district. Yeah, yeah,
it's every it's one stop shopping for making over. I'll
go right now, maybe shower first, but it's not. If
I'm getting a makeover, I need to look as terrible
(42:41):
as possible. That's fair. Here's a little map found draw
than you head down there? And why did you draw
a circ over the highlight of Why didn't you just highlight?
You know? Don't ask how I do you think? Okay,
all right, welcome to Thame's House of mike over. So
how can we Hey, hello, my name is Adolphe. For
the measure to meet you. Please let us know where
(43:02):
we can start. We'd love to begin right away with
no folks. Well, from the top of my head to
the bottom of my jack boots. Soup to nuts? Is
that size? Nuts? Who are you a pistol? Pistol? Yes?
I would like a luga? Please a luga? Yes? Oh
I don't know what that is. But what can you
do for me? Is it will make me not stand out?
(43:24):
You're not from around here? No I am not. You
get a funny excellence? Thank you? Where are you from?
I was born in Austria but lived most of my
life in Germany. Oh, Germany, I've never been. It's beautiful,
It's just a dream of home, fatherland, the father land.
I haven't heard it called that in sometime. What did
(43:44):
you do there in Germany? I was a big deal.
You are working? Are you famous? I was famous in Germany?
But now I am not saying. I'm not even allowed
to let people know him alive. It's just the first
part of the makeover. You make of my heart first.
That's exactly right. It hurts to happen. Let me only
(44:05):
just get him in this chair right over here, and
we'll starting his skin. Roger here is gonna work on
You'm just gonna work on your skin. I'm gonna put
this my burn a little bit, but it's it's gonna
be nice for fresh afterwards. Careful, not that close with
that lighter. This is slimmable. Oh wait, put that out,
he say something might Oh, bloke, stop with the flamethrower.
(44:31):
So sorry, your face is really burned. That's not that
doesn't usually happen. I am so silent. Man looks fucked up.
It's it's normal. It'll hell and it's just sometimes you
get to burn off the outside to get to the
good in. You said you've been hiding, so we don't
want it. We agree, we don't want anyone to find you,
so we're just trying to help. You're not gonna look
(44:52):
anything like yourself. I'm gonna bring my sister in and
she's gonna help you with the next phase. See us.
Adolf from Germany, O Germany. I have always wanted to go.
My cousin's best friend Study brought in Germany and I
saw pictures and I was like, I gotta go there.
You sound sover traveled. Thank you. Yes, what are you
(45:18):
going to do to me? Now? Well? I have to
get you a new outfit that's probably the fat your
birth face. What kind of outfit matches the bund face? Something? Right?
You know? I'm sorry. I got the ship in my head.
I gotta put somewhere looks real good ship. I don't know,
(45:43):
but you know, sometimes the outfit finds the person, you
know what I mean? Just a second six partner? Sir?
What's your name? How do my name is lawson? Lawson?
Why didn't you come into our store with your hands?
I said, sh on my hands. I don't know where
to go, so you just thought you'd come by? Yeah,
well look your shitty Hey, sorry about that. I'm sorry
and put it on our client. Yeah, I'm used to
(46:05):
it by now. Okay, is there anything else you needed
to do? Just just drop some ship. Well, thanks for coming.
All right, sir, here's your avocado toast and you're beyond burger.
Thank you very much. I will be upstairs on my AirPods. Okay,
if you need anything else, you just ring that bell there.
Thank you. M M. I think I'm assimilating fight bell. Hi.
(46:31):
I'm sorry to interrupt, but what is it? Oh no,
come on over. I just heard you had an accent,
and I love a guy with an accent. I don't
introduce myself. It's my years solution to meet new people. Sorry, nervous,
I just nervous. Were very relaxed. Take a little piece
of my scarff. Take a little piece of my scarf
and touch it on your skin, and then you won't
(46:51):
be nervous no more. Oh my gosh, I just feel
so connected. It's all about connections. It's like vin vain
Daire makes you listen to a thing, and he has
your mantra for you know how mantra's work, right? I think, gosh,
you're so smart. I think, um, so, my name is Dicky,
Think my name is Adolf. Hitler. I think it it's
(47:14):
time to just be myself. So I'm just going to
be myself. Sure, I am the Adolf Hitler, but I'm
better now what they're gonna say, Hitler? Yes, I finally
assimilated in your society, and I'm comfortable enough to say
my actual name. I am Adolf Hitler. I lived in
a bunker adjacent to you know what. My Norwegian friend
will explain the whole thing to you what happened, But
(47:36):
just suffice to say, fuck you, wo wow? Why the
hostility in a pizza coffee? Your piece of ship? Well,
I was covered in pieces of ship for a mile.
But now I am totally assimilated and I enjoy your
music and I have a record player. But should we
believe it? You know, give us some proof, proofs that
(47:56):
I'm Atolf Hitler. Yeah, you gave me, you know. Yeah,
it's what kind of proof do you want to look
at me? I'm a hundred and twenty someboty years old, exactly,
your wrinkled bag of shit? So what how are we
supposed to believe? We got some kind of papers? Yeah,
I have papers right here. Take a look at let's see.
These are all the shitty drawn my art. This is
(48:20):
my art. I am an artist. Do not make me
do what I did last time people did not like
my art. You have crap art, man, that's just what
I'm gonna go burn the fucking right stuck down. I
didn't get my coffee. Don't you have a dream puff
Hitler coffee? No? I think that's for that guy. Oh shit,
(48:40):
what do you have? I got moa Moka Mediataka Mediata,
Greg Moka Mediata. Sorry, I didn't feel that. I didn't
see it. I'll you mean and see it. You're the
one who wrung me up. Yeah, I'm sorry this guy.
It was really busy. You know, we have celebrity was
in the building today. They see my ass? All right, man,
you saw me, dude, you know that it was my order. Sorry,
(49:00):
I was just I kind of starstrack. Hitler was in
the man. I give a shit about that. Man, I
got I'm I'm all right, man. Like on the order
the name was Burger Burger. Yeah, keep spell that burger
b o g r. Oh it's right here. I'm so sorry.
(49:22):
I'll get that ready for you right now. You found
it now, Yeah, you know what. I don't want it,
But what really don't know if it's gonna be like this,
I don't want it. Okay, man, I just want to refund.
Give me pete points. Did you call the uber? Yeah?
I called Hitler. Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah, I just had
to good doubt of that they did not like my art. Buck.
(49:42):
Don't you look at this? Look you look at this?
What's your name? Larry? Larry? I give sure, I'm driving Larry,
but pull over? Look at it. I can't pull over?
You know you do you on five stars? Is your
name really Hitler? My name is Adolf Hitler. Yes, come on, yes,
but if I come on, come on, if I come on,
that's that's not even funny, sir, my name is Adolf Hitler, right,
(50:03):
you want to know it. It's not funny. You're not
wanting to look at my art focus while I'm driving
the car. Well, I'm wanting to show you my art.
And if you don't, how is it you have two stars?
By the way, I didn't I want to pick you up,
but I was so fascinated by only having two stars
because I'm Adolf Hitler. Yeah, and again, not terribly funny.
It's I don't know why you think that would be funny.
I don't. I don't think it's funny. What I do
(50:25):
think it's funny? So happy two stars? What is your
what is your full name? My phon name? I told
you my full name out of Hitler. What's your full name?
Larry Greer? Larry Greer? Oh, I don't believe you, Larry Greer.
How's that feel? All right? Well, here's my license? Okay?
What is it saying there's a there's a car parked
on the train tracks. I don't think we have enough
time to stop. We just gotta plow through it. I
(50:48):
feel really bad. What if there's a family of children
inside of that car? All the ship in the back
of the train is heating up. We can't keep going faster.
It's getting hard. We're gonna hit that car. You know what, great,
Why don't you get out of this car? I will
sit here in this cor by myself tracks. Yes, Iven,
if you don't want to pull over, I will just
pull over for both of us. Gets out of your car.
(51:09):
I'll sit right here. Fine until you enjoy my art.
You cannot get back in your own car. Fine, fine,
enjoy the rest of your life, Aidolf Hitler. Fine, I
will right here on these trade tracks. Oh good, look
trades because it's such a tragic end. Yeah, until the
(51:31):
billows of life get about it. You know. I saw
that email and I thought, do we want to go
down that? And I'm glad we did. Oh man, thank
you from Norway, so that we can figure out how
to kill that wonderful uh German. But yeah, not everything
(51:56):
could be true. I can't believe everything you read. As
the only jew in the rue, I were trought to
ask why true? So I'm wondering, why did you want
to shoot all over such a It was just I
couldn't hold that that was mainzing. Mainsting was just to
poop on them. Just open your innerds if I could
do that and let it happy more than to do that.
(52:16):
So when people say they want to go back in
time to kill him, your your fantasy is to go
back in time and poop on him. Yeah, but like
enough word like a sickness will occur, you know. Yeah,
it's not like it's on my shoulder. You want him
to suffer? Yeah, I mean he's caked in and weirdly
that's our show for it today, Let's thank all of
our alchemists, call Stratton. Thank you so much. Hey, thanks
(52:38):
for having me. Where can folks find Jim at Stratton
Coole or at col Stratton depending on the social media thing,
And at the west Side Comedy Theater doing a lot
of stuff outside Comedy dot com the calendar. Look for shows,
Jen Murry, you've got some shows at west Side. I
sure do second one the month, That's what she said,
eight p m. And go fourthnes the month eight pm
(52:59):
the house team and then uh, what she said is
that an all gal stand up comedy ladies, no boys
allowed except in the audience. Please come Ohn excellent Mark Gagleyard, yes, sir.
Uh find me on Twitter at Mark gags Uh the
last Wednesday of the month, The Dynasty Typewriter and Blood
(53:19):
and Treasure now streaming on Amazon Prime, season two coming
like summer. Dynasty Typewriter dot Com. Dynasty Typewriter dot com
right on, James Heeny bear supply at the west Side
Comedy Theater from time to time. I'm in pretty pretty
pony mission in profitable Fridays and Saturdays. But the real
James dot Com is the best way to find out
what's going on. Thank you so much for joining us.
(53:39):
As always, Joey Greer. I want to give a shout
out to Andrew Richards at the drew Print on Instagram
midtle video of Marcus with the episode that was the
greatest Ships Alive. But yeah, this brand new. I think
it's like the second animated from our how comy this
(53:59):
podcast us. This guy's great. Say his name again. His
name is Andrew Richards at the drew Print. At the
drew Print had Instagram shout out to you. Thank you
for doing that. That was awesome. Um, and let's thank
our engineer at the Stars, Doug Bank, our post sound
design artist Rafaelbrito, our producer Sophie Lichterman, and of course
(54:20):
I heard media. I encourage all of you to write
a review, tell everyone you've ever met about us, and
right to us. Yeah at your name here at Alchemy
this dot com. That's your name here at Alchemy this
dot com. I'm Kevin Pollock. Thank you was always until
next time and a bo
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. There time your
host Kevin Paul. I guess that Kevin Paul. Hey listen
if you think you can do better? Fine, No, no, no,
you're right. There are a lot of podcasts she was from.
Well listen. If you ever need life of filling laughter again,
please consider giving us another try and enjoy your yet
another disturbing true crime podcast. Any but I digress. Let's
(00:22):
meet our acumisten no particular order, shall we what? I'll
be a monkey? Hey, you got away from that window?
Can't you show you? There's a lady man out there
named Joey Greer. Hello, Justice of girl Land. When you're
gonna pay me back the six bucks you borrowed? Uh,
it's James Heeney. I don't know anybody any great gosh Almadia.
(00:48):
It's Mark Gagliardi MG. Not mcg um. That's true. We
get confused a lot, right. What was your favorite childhood
Christmas gift? Uh? When I was a child, I got
a Minuto album and a keyboard. No, and I could learn,
And I taught myself some keyboard via the Menudo album.
(01:09):
That's the greatest gift ever. Right, God, where's video when
you need next up, It's not really that heavy. The
one who wears the crown when I'm out of town,
Cold Stratt, Coleman, Comma Dapney. As a founder of SF
Sketch Best, maybe you can explain this. What is the
(01:30):
fucking deal with Joey Greer? You know he submits every
year tape after tape after tape, and it's mostly him
just watching TV and you won't program I won't program
it weird. Right, hold the damn door. There's a lady
in the who's say hello to returning champ Jen Murray,
(01:52):
Jen Gary, Jen Ross. How many times do I have
to tell you? Yep? That's three and last. But may
all your Tomorrow's arrived way too damn early if you
think him least, it's James Heney Jimmy jingle all the way.
M hmm, No, not all the way. It's no longer appropriate.
(02:13):
It's gone over. The line has not served it well,
that is also Craig. All right, let's get to our
first scene. All of today's scene suggestions were gathered from
our listeners email. If you'd like to submit yours, please
write to the podcast at your name here at Alchemy
thist dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this
dot com. Our first sname comes from Audrey, who wrote,
(02:34):
Hey alchemists. I was so excited to hear y'all use
my first suggestion the unaired antiques road show of appraisals.
That was damn fun. I was so sure it wasn't
going to be used, but when Cole said my name,
I thought, oh, fun, another Audrey, before realizing he was
reading my words. Thank you for the giddiness. And last,
my new suggestion is this a group of prisoners in
(02:57):
a medieval castle dungeon, chain to the wall, dangling in
a cade, strapped to the rack. What have you communicate
by carrier pige into some anonymous source that claims to
have a plan to free them. Thank you all, and
congrats to Vanessa on your precious baby. Stay funny are
we've got a new one. We've got a new one.
(03:18):
Get off of me, unhand me scallion, chain me up
with me as you will. I will speak on all
man's behalf. Oh it's a political prisoner. We got here
now bread then people need a bread? And what would
(03:39):
they do with the bread? Mate? They will eat the
bread and become strong right, so he vanquish you, so
you'll cry was being self involved in? Is I too much?
And other people's business? Right? So you'll be there while
let's get a quite a shelly fine right over your
left here is slippy right. I was like, and how
(04:00):
do you do? What's all they stay? I'm in prison?
What's all? This? A political prison? They're real blow Jesus right?
People need bread? Yeah, you keep saying that people need bread.
You know what these people in ear need. These people
in Ear need another missive from that carrier pigeon that
(04:20):
keeps telling us how we're going to get the hell
out of here. Submissive? What they need? A submissive? Just
shut up politics, man, Look the pigeons back food, back
that food. Who can reach his foot? We're go get
a message from his food? Yeah, I think I'll be
able to reach with my toes. Nickeled on. Let me
(04:43):
slide down to it. God, you killed the fucking messenger
squeeze its organs out of its mouth and the anus.
That is a mistake. I mean, and you know the
phrase don't kill the messenger. He literally a messenger pigeon. Well,
I made a mistake here. Let's fumble through its corpse,
(05:04):
and there's a letter of interesting tiny words. What he says, yes, yes,
shall the individuals trapped inside car hots castles. She's talking
(05:25):
to us queen carts. She locked us old down in here,
yes she did, because she doesn't want us to have bread.
We need bread, people, can you can you ask me
this new guy? What have you got? Celiac? That's good question,
that one is right? Yes, well, um, bread bread. You're
(05:53):
running on the bread platform. What if you can't bread?
What you're doing? In a smart guy? You the university
for that. I did write, if you can't have bread,
then did you dingle some bulls? It can be Come on,
all right, come on, that's just a rumor. Alright, alright,
well look I got a question for you. Yes, what
(06:17):
the fuck does the letter from the pigeons? Oh yeah,
he begged it litter? I offer you an escape, an
opportunity for freedom, right, And then we reply this is
back and forth, right, such tiny lettering, let's seed, let's
because we need to write. And then he writes me writing,
(06:40):
although I'm assuming it's a he, that could be could
be a woman, could be an animal. Why would it
be an animal? I don't know, just assuming right, haven't
an animal that can write no. But it doesn't mean
that that's out of the question. It could be fucking
bread too, We don't. Yeah, maybe bread wrote the note.
Maybe to go with that assumption, written by bread, keep going,
(07:02):
written by Bread to each of you. I ask of
the a question that will answer. We right to know
the way outside of the castle. He's doing riddles. We
must be able to handle the battle, the battle. Who
could be battle with him? We could be battling ourselves,
(07:25):
could be setting up a war right with the queen.
Possibly right, Maybe this is an opportunity for the bread
to rise up. Maybe the battle is just kicking this
guy's ass now hold on, hold on all right? Maybe not?
Maybe not? Wait, I hear some nose out there, right
for your queen. I rise for no queen or kings
(07:51):
of the people. Just get up. Hello, prisoners, my prisoners,
I am the queen. Yes, Mom, I'm sorry, I'm so
four from all the bread. Anyway? Did you get bread?
Did you get Okay, I've had bread. You'll carry your
(08:15):
pigeons upon the ground. Oh, I squshed out the organs
of your carrier right way, hundreds of carrier. Your carrier pigeon.
You're the ones been telling us how to escape from
your castle. Who did you think it was an animal? Bread?
(08:42):
Did you get it? What did you think of my riddle?
Clever mom? So so we figure out to riddle and
then we get to leave. That's it? Oh that sounds fine, Yes,
let's do that. I'll never take your help ever. For
God's sake, someone shut this lefty stuff arn to bend,
you know what I mean. It's a little bit more fleasible.
I'm never work good tyrants. Ever. We won't we help us? One? Ben? Right?
(09:04):
Why don't we here? Oh my god, Oh my god?
Not bred more breds are sticking out the skin. So,
your majesty, is this the battle that you said we
would have to do in order to leave? Yes, yes, yes,
I need an army, and so I figured maybe you
(09:26):
guys blokes go to fight for me and we'd take
the castle down the road. Be proud of it. Right? Sure? Then?
Sure this went so smoothly. I'm sorry, I'm good, I'm
alreally a warrior. We love these prisoners. This one cries
over A bird's a warrior to warriors. Somebody killed? Maybe
(09:48):
this one should take our places? Then? No, suspicious like
you don't. Please, don't broke me up. I don't want
me walked up. Put. I'm on the wreck. Put, I'm
under put. That's a good idea. We do that. You don't, well, no,
I don't want to do the rock company. Good boys,
lie down here, I don't don't hear stretch him nice
way with my wrists. Don't give up, good soldier. We
(10:19):
can armor. This is great, very exciting. Yeah, I have
some upstairs yet, we can got a bunch of all
bread baskets, bad bread. Who are you fighting this time? Man?
The guys down the way? My lord, my lord, I'm here,
(10:42):
my lord. You're screaming at my face. My lord, can
you hear me? I hear you. You're shouting and spitting apart,
my lord, my lord, can you hear me? I can
hear your message has come from the other castle of
Queen Cart. Queen Car? What does she want? She brings
(11:02):
death upon your doorstep. You don't think she could do it?
Could she? I think, with a thousand percent of my
bread mind that she could. That she could? Yes, oh
oh no, yes, oh good god. I thought that there
was you, my chief war strategy. Oh yeah, this is
(11:23):
bad yes, of course we were laughing. We were laughing.
I thought it was a good thing. What what options
do we have? Well, huh, well we could like you're
making this up. Your only primary job is to protect
our castle. Course of course, in fact protection you made
(11:43):
I have made. I need to check something outside. So
far it's about the youth. We've set up the balcony. Yes,
of course, I've got how many will be darning with you?
Were just myself, one for the queen, and don't forget
(12:05):
the o'maleys. Them will definitely coming. The old mallies are
coming further if they duncan Trevor Stafford? Is everyone all right? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, okay,
oh yeah, we're ready for dinner with the king. How
many of mellews are there? That's just us four the
forum mellows, the King, the Queen right right after the kitchen,
then luncheon one half wind half of an hour. But perfect,
(12:31):
I get it. You want to attack the kingdom down
the road. That's the one with the O'Malley's. It's not
nine children in the kingdom. Oh that one's got the O'Malley's.
I forgot about that. Yeah, right, who are the allies?
The bread, give us you get up there. They are
a baking family. That it's a family of bakers, but
(12:52):
they deserve to die, though I'm with the mom. I
hang on a second, No, how are they not deserving
since what a children like going? They only deserve to
die because you know that it will get us out
of here. I'm sorry, your majesty. We don't mean to
speak openly in front of you and not address you,
but I enjoy listening bread speak openly against the tyrant.
(13:15):
Put the dead picture in. That fucker's said right in
my eye. You're putting his eye on his mouth. Why
you're not stuffing it in his mouth? That's the part
that's well. I don't like the way look, so I'm
(13:37):
not looking. It's spread of ground right now. Give me that.
I'll do it. I'll do it. I can't really look
on it. I'll just I'll just shove it somewhere first
the rack. Then this that's no fun. Sorry, sorry spoking
our aim before we go to wall with the people
down the right for bread, I have had that put
(14:01):
in his mouth. Absolutely not to give the people bread
can't possibly satisfying, even if it's to shut him up.
I mean that makes sense. A little bit of bread,
A little bit of bread like the bread's ass. They
all right, right, Yeah, let's put the heel. It's poetic,
it would be poetic. Yeah, put the queen's foot in
(14:23):
his mouth in Oh, I can't say no to you
boys and chains. Okay, here, you enjoy your heel. Fuck
your bread off, mashicade. That don't make you young? Noises,
stop it. Terrible mistake. I knew it. I should follow
(14:45):
my instincts. Can you pass the grave he please? I
should have my gravy man. Come, gravy man. Oh, that
seems that doesn't seem necessary. We can just well, I'm
mucking and the lord. And if I don't have someone
bring gravy to me, then, oh my god, oh my goodness.
(15:05):
And I will tell you when my guy more gravy.
You get a greedy guy, start with me more? How
how many of the things on his face or eyes?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Can
you believe it? A whole man dedicated, just a gree
I love it? Married, I say again, mom, can we
(15:29):
get a gravy man? Uh? In time? Okay? Christmas is
I don't want to say, but I don't think the
O'Malley's will ever be able to afford a grave man.
That's kind of a royal maybe, why do you hear
the bat? Okay, let's see. How will you think you'd
get a gravy your highness? And I just if I
can speak for the family, I think, uh, you know,
(15:50):
with all the respect, thank you for having us and
being inspidable. But to assume that we wouldn't be able
to achieve a gravy man, that's uh, that's where I'm
gonna have to stop you. What do you get your
Malley's have heart? Right? They got sold? Yeah, they got love,
that's right, dad. Sure the man needs to be paid
something that you know can't be paid with love and heart.
(16:11):
That's true. You need money to take me away from
the kingdom. Cost a lot, It would cost a lot.
There's not enough money in this kingdom for many people
to have gravy man? How many? Leading on? How much
does a bread baking family make? Well, we make quarterly
about fifty yes? Really? And then and then that's all
(16:36):
I expected? How you could be bad stuff? What do
you think I mean? Um, let's just do the math
out loud. It's easier for youth out. Okay, you're pressuring me. Okay,
it's in front of them, dad um, your majesty grave man,
(17:00):
who is who is that lady outside with those three
guys following or marching on the castle? That's from the
kingdom down the way, the kingdom down the way. I
I we've got a whole armory of soldiers that should
be dealing with them. I wouldn't gates. The queen demand's entrance.
Open your gates or for the suld Yeah, don't done.
(17:25):
They'll take your bread. Why the hell did these backpack
straps hurting my shoulders? Right, he's a mule, right then
let that queen in. Right, we're having dinner. I'm having
the Omalley's for dinner. May we come back maybe tomorrow? Today?
(17:47):
Still good for me. We have to do it today.
We got to do it today. You want to be
here for dinner, let's say one hour. I'm going to
just finish one dinner and have a second dinner in
an hour. That's laughable. Look, send out your gravy man,
we're gonna attack. Okay, okay, graveyman, I have deepest regrets.
(18:09):
Keep talking. I'm gonna have to send you out to
the queen. It seems that my chief Warton m he
did not prepare for a battle. So we're going to
either lose or I'll have to lose my gravy man.
I'm ready deserves that. All right, Well we'll open the
gates and good luck. Which one is the queen or
(18:30):
she'll be the tall woman with all of the people
that are probably in, you know, varying levels of enslavement
to her. You'll know who she is, trust me, queens
and women. Oh yeah, she's a woman. Keep talking. Well,
I would be careful. She's a powerful woman, and one
(18:50):
wrong move could lend you and change quite easy. I'm
not all powerful. It's here amazing. Can you understand everything
he says? Most of it is just using mental telepathy
to sneak That sounds help, but it's kind of like shade.
Where would I live? Achilles heal? I would assume thought
(19:15):
I thought he said hercules shield. I'm sorry? Is he
and some sort of curse? It's duncan you wait to talk? Sorry, Sorry,
that's okay, duncan And so it is a curse. He
was cursed by the witches. Would you like to say
what the questions three only you can solve and I
(19:36):
can't solve the puzzles, so the curse down. So it sucks.
It's a bomb bomb? Is it that puzzle that's on
the table here? You could never solve the just picture
of a tiger. There you go, don't help. We can
do this. Yeah, this is easy. We're gonna slide puzzles. Okay,
and uh there we go. I'll done till I'm free. Hey,
(19:57):
did we just free your gravy man? Oh? Damn? Time
was using that? Well? I was going to give him
to the queen anyways, but now he's gonna go on
his own free will. Well, well, the gravy man marry
the Queen tune next week to find out seem too.
Today is from Marcus, who wrote, Hello alchemist, You guys
(20:19):
just make my day when I clean windows here in
the cold north of Denmark. And yes, podcasts exists over
here too, They're just not as good as yours. I
have a scene suggestion. A curious inventor goes down the
street listens to people complain about their everyday problems, only
to readily interrupt them to show them his new invention
(20:41):
that will help them. Every time he stops new people.
He will pull new inventions from his backpack like a cartoon. Ps.
I like the cocos the most, both of them. Wow,
seems weird. And the rest of us will be over
here at the ship plate. Your dear listener from Denmark,
Marcus Knudson. By the way, would it be okay if
(21:04):
we made films of your scenes? Me and a friend
who has a film company. We think it would be
very funny to see your scenes acted out on film.
Sorry for my bad English, I'm gonna say yes, yes, yes, Marcus,
you go ahead and make some films. But yeah, and
let us know how the Kokowskis feel about your films
(21:25):
and send send it to our Instagram account. Well, I'm
happy to do sound on it, you know. And Joey Gerstein.
All right, onto the streets we go with a curious inventor.
I can't seem to get both of my shoes off.
If only there was some ways. Just holds still and
I'll pull right. We've been doing this for an hour,
(21:46):
I know, but you know, you get one off every
time and then we can't get the other shoes. I
hate to our front porch. I just happened to be
walking by and I, uh, I heard about your little
dilemma here. What is your My? My name is Marcel,
(22:06):
and I do happen to be an inventor. And I
think I may have something in my backpack that might
help you out. What do you got that? Something that's
gonna make your shoes come right off your body? I
have a hard time believing that you have something like that.
We've struggled for this with this for years. Well, window,
instead of continuing to struggle, we give the stranger from
(22:26):
a far off lane a chance to help. You haven't
heard my invention yet. What do you call it? I
call it a bellows. Here's what I do. I'm going
to shove it in your mouth, inflate you. Your feet
are gonna become great big, and your shoes are gonna
pop right off your body. So you're gonna inflate me
through the mouth, open wide science. That's amazing. How do
(22:49):
you feel now? I feel strange, but my shoes came off.
It's incredible. Well, I'll see you later. Wow, that was
really nice of him. Really want. I'm sorry to say this,
but looking at your your medical report looks like your
entire internal organs are distended. Yeah, well, I put a
(23:10):
thing in my mouth and blew me up. He put
a thing in your mouth, inventor. He put a device
in my mouth and expanded my entire body. Well, I
like a balloon that my shoes popped off. So you're
saying there's trouble from that. Yes, you're saying that turns
out that wasn't the best thing for the inside of
my body. Is the best bedside banner you could have? Well,
are you a doctor? I am a doctor? Okay, thank
(23:32):
you very much. I am a doctor. Because it says
Costco on your name, that's my name. I feel like
we should go to a real doctor, a real doctor.
You don't want to go to Don Costco anymore. You
want to go see a real doctor, doctor don Costco. Yes,
I got one from TV. Yes, how do you do nice?
I've never seen the show. I just hear about it.
We'll talk to me when you see the show. Okay,
(23:54):
Right in the meantime, what can you tell me about
my my problem with doctor? It's almost time now break? Okay. Well,
what I can tell you right now before I have
to take my snack break is that all your organs
they're all jumbled up, all right, jumbled, yes, and how
long he might live. But you're gonna need some Kirkland batteries. Okay,
that's something I can tell you, right. I mean, I
feel great for now, but I do the Kirkland batteries.
(24:18):
You're gonna you want to rub them on your feet.
I have to go on my snack break. Okay, so
just Shannon, I just I'm getting schooled on the court.
I can't dunk. Everybody else is dunking. I can't dunk.
Oh well, did you try jumping higher? Yeah, I've tried.
I can't get any higher. I don't got the lift.
Oh well, excuse me. I can't help but over here,
(24:39):
but my name is Marcel, and uh I might have
an invention that could help you with your dunking. Okay,
this is weird kitchen, but well, you know, the window
was open. I figured i'd come by and uh, and
it's lovely in here. Told you to stop leaving. K're right,
I'm sorry, but I think I can help you dunk
young man. Okay, I'm all ears for this. I got
(25:01):
a game in forty five. We're just finishing up den
expecting company. Do you want something to drink? Oh? Sure, sure,
I would love something to drink, anything at all. Anything
that you put in a cup, I will drink. Okay.
And as for you, young man, I even invention here
in my backpack. They just might help you out. All right,
let's see it. It's called him bellows helping the mouth.
(25:22):
And I'm just gonna inflate your behalf. And now, whenever
you want to dunk, just poke a couple of holes
in your feet. You'll shoot right up to the sky. Okay,
all right, thanks for the cup of whatever they catch up. Okay.
By Yeah, we're gonna have to get the fire department
in here or something. That guy stuck in the rafters. Honey, man,
please we gotta make a perimeter. Okay, man, please do
(25:43):
you see me dunk? Yeah? So this guy has been
up for about six hours or something. I don't know.
I mean, tell whether we get him down or call
the New York next I could use it forward. You
were the things the time. This guy. I think we
just opened up to the rafters and let him out,
like float up to the Sorry, he's gonna explode up there.
How about poking some more holes in the kid We
(26:04):
didn't hear that's dangerous. Shoot all over the place. We
just gotta get him down, all right, that's it, all right, brainiac?
How we're getting him down? Wait, wait for the fire
department to come down. They go, how they're gonna bring
up here? They're to bring him down? What are we
doing here? We're just making sure if he folds, there's
a witness or something, right, Okay, all right, it's his
wife over there or something. I don't know, maybe his
girlfriends usually out. But I gotta bb gun, and I think,
(26:27):
whoa whoa man, just a bb gun? What are they're
talking about? Shooting you down? What he always shot? I
want to make is a dunk. Let's keep a perimeter. Okay,
let's keep a perimeter, so I little dunk her up there.
How this happened in the first place, those kids cooled
on the court and an inventor came by with something
called up bellows. Right, that's it, that's it. That's what
(26:48):
I fill you up with. A yeah, And that's how
I got up here. But not after my game where
I scored two points? Duncan What happened to this Invnafela? Well,
it's weird. He just kind of appeared in our kitchen
and then he disappeared. We gotta find this inventor guy,
because if he can get him up, he's got to
be able to get him down. Hey, we're parks and
wreck man. Okay, we're parks and so we don't have
to help. Right at that gate, that's where my job ends. Like,
(27:11):
that's where at the end of the park. Yeah, all right,
do you want to do actually curricular, then you do it.
I'm just gonna open up the window up there, and
up the window. It's gonna be fine. All right, Well
that I say, we try to find this in benefill.
Our boat is filling up with water. I don't know
(27:33):
how we're gonna get to shore. I don't know how.
Use your hands, bail bails. I'm trying to bail as
much as I can. It's just I feel like this
is it for us. This is this is it. I've
always loved you. I loved you too. Hey, there fellas
we in your boat. I couldn't help, but notice your
little dilemma you have here. It looks like your boat sinking.
(27:58):
I happen to have something here that might be able
to help you. Yeah, boat, can we get on? Get
on your boat? It's called a bellows open your mouth
and in faces, and that should Now that you're nice
and tight, that should stop all the leaking in your boat.
I thought it was gonna make me float, my butt
(28:21):
stuck in the hole in the boat. See no more leaking? Okay?
By who sucks? Okay, Um, I don't work so far
out still? No, we ran out of that hours ago.
At least the water stuffed. I almost forgot something. This
(28:43):
sun out here is pretty harsh. You guys are gonna
need this bellows for your sun burns. Okay, I'm sorry,
Mrs Weathermore, but the passing number husband doesn't mean that
you don't have to pay for the boat's rental. So
(29:03):
we're gonna we're gonna need Do you need something from
the bail? Do you get the paperwork film? Yes? All right,
I don't know what I'm good at. Just write a
check on I don't have any I don't have any money.
That's going to be a problem. My husband took care
of the us left a boat. Another family arrested one
(29:28):
of our Rhode Island dolphins. So it's an oh, my beautiful,
utiful craft and he's dead. This is the first time
hearing of this. This is just a lot of information
on um. Do you wanna just get that checker? Okay,
here's do you have some kind of We have his shoes,
(29:49):
but we got the guy shoes still, right, I think
so to The shoes cost as much as the boat.
I'm wearing shoes I'm wearing this year, so I can't
we don't know where the shoes. What is there anything
left of it? Is that I just can't keep this
fire going. It keeps getting down. I can't keep the
fire going. Well, how about adding some more woods papers?
(30:13):
I'm trying it rained recently. The wood's too wet. It
was doing his best alight. It's just cold, right, But
if you complain more, it doesn't help. Sorry, I'm trying
to make it hot in here. Don't you understand that
you're saying the wood, Yeah, it's wet, it rained recently.
I don't think it will take. Yeah, well it's got
to be somewhere when you get this fire. Excuse me
or you hi up? My name is Marcel. You come
(30:35):
from I came from just outside, right, But we're a
cabin in the wood. Yeah, just outside it just woods? Yeah,
you can I happen to overhear you. How's that I
happened to overhear you from from the woods. Where are
we outside? All right? Yeah? And why are you here? Well,
I heard you had a little dilemma. We can't get
(30:57):
this fire going. Oh gosh, I might have something in
my bag that will help that. He's reaching for a gun.
He's reaching for a gun. Oh god, God, oh god,
I will choke the life out of you. You're trying
to say something with him. I have something for you
(31:19):
in my backpack that wells out of here. What is it?
It's it's a shoehorn. Yeah. Oh wait, No, maybe that
won't help. I got it. Hold on, let me see
what else I got in here? Trying to get a fire?
Got a book on how to be a better basketball player,
(31:41):
got a boat patch huh? And he's got a gun
throwing on the fire. So I'm throwing on the fire.
I can't okay, but he's all wet too. I don't
think we're gonna be able to light him on fire.
It's true, all right, mr. If you go for that
(32:04):
gun one more time, I swear, I promise I don't
have a gun in there. Do you understand what we're
trying to do here, trying to get a fire. You're
trying to get a fire, and you said you could help.
You came out of the woods to help. Yeah, so
what do you got? I got a shoehorn, a book
on basketball skills, and a boat patch. Maybe with those
things you can figure out how to get your fire going.
(32:24):
What if we ripped up the book on basketball? Who use?
That's the tinder? But how will we learn to play basketball?
I don't know, but i'm cold. All right, we'll tear
that up. Good, Okay, that that'll work. Sure, And I
don't know where to go from here. Sure you got Oh, yeah,
(32:45):
that's nice. That's it. It's working a little bit sparking.
Oh that's real nice. It's a lot warmer. Thanks guy
from the woods. Hey, no problem. Thanks for letting me
come in and hang out in your cabin for a while,
enjoy your fire. So he had no bellows for us,
the one place that we could have finally used his
(33:06):
ridiculous contraption. Our last scene for today, Norway. We've gone
from Denmark to Norway. Right, it's uh, have Vard h
A V A R D. But there's a thing over
the a that I don't recognize. Harvard yep who wrote
(33:27):
it's an R next to that's what over the a
R greeting from Norway. I don't really have a touching
story about how your podcast changed my life, cured my depression,
or got me a girlfriend like other people who send
in suggestions, So this episode better be good because I'm
hoping for all three. Anyway, my idea is Hitler didn't
(33:53):
die in that bunker Jesus, thank you Norway. Insteady hit
in a secret room connected to it. He's been surviving
on a combination of cockroach, just bats, and the occasional
toad that jumps yb After all these years, he finally
decides to head out of his cave, where he stumbles
upon a group of people that decide to show this
(34:13):
old man around his new the New Society. We follow
Hitler on his journey to become hips Havard Tonning from Norway.
So anyways, we're we're are just about through our journey here,
(34:34):
and um, we have two more stops to make. Can
we use the restroom at any point? Yeah? Sure? Who
needs to go? Everyone needs to go? Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't realize it was such a problem. So we
have one restroom, so just figure out who's gonna go first.
I'm gonna go first. It's an emergency, an emergency as well,
emergency for the lady. I think maybe I haven't plugging
myself with something with a free bread you've been giving us, okay,
(34:57):
and it's getting pretty soggy. I understand lugging yoursel. Yes,
are you saying you would push bread into Yes? I
have a loose sphincter. All right, Oh, it was a
basketball injury. I was picturing you pushing bad That's impossible,
like you guys, storytell I'm going to go to the bathroom. Okay, listen.
(35:18):
While she's gone, I have something to ask you guys. Yeah,
what is your money? Yes? Okay? Do you have like
a dollar each? Yeah? Yeah? Really? Yeah? Alright, that was
the whole thing. Yeah, I'm gonna have lunch today. This
is great. You can get more than that's only three dollars.
That enough for a lot. Do not go in there?
(35:43):
That was fast. Yeah, it was an emergence. The hell
should we go in there? Oh? Why the hell should
the only bathroom? And now we can't go in there?
It's a figure warning exactly what the hell can we
God that I can't go in there? Now I can't
go maybe ink a little bit. Why do you gotta
make a thing? It's stunk a little bit. I can
go in there, but now I can't go in there.
(36:05):
I can't go in there. Fu it. I'm doing it here.
I'm doing it here, alright. Let us know how that
works out. All right, we're gonna see it. He's doing
it right here, Broculpied. What the fuck occupie? Oh my god,
I've been shifting on this old guy. Oh my god,
I'm shitting on the Oh I kiss that. Shifting on
(36:26):
this guy shing on me. It gives the ship on
this sing on me, kiss them shitkis a minute, it's
in my mouth. Oh my god, over my you've got
to stop. There's no way this person deserves what you're
giving him right now, being coming right now, hold my arms.
(36:53):
That's probably it's the person that's the first loof my
God in him, and I am coming. Okay, Jeff, You're okay, Jeff,
You're gonna be okay. They're not going to be ok
comment in human ship. Sorry, old man. Let you really
(37:14):
are old? How I'm a hundred and ninety what hundreds
on ninety? Yeares old? Just on a hundred ninety year
old guy. It's going to be some kind of record.
It's not one did anybody wants to have? Is that record? Okay?
But what are you doing down there hiding? Oh? This
looks like a whole bunker system with that. Gotta be
(37:36):
the craziest game of hide and seek effort. Yes, it's
a very long game of hide and seek. I must
have won. You must have won. Did I win? I
think so? Did I been? I mean I've not walked
out to this room since nineteen forty five? What happened?
Let's not rehash nineteen forty five? Remember if that happened
(37:57):
in nine? Remember it? Sorry, has anybody using the us
here ship? Hold? I gotta go real bad? Every bunch
shipping on that poor old daddy so good? It's a
(38:31):
single strand. Let me throw down a rope to you, sir.
Here's a here's a rope. I think they just did
a big lunch. I'm ready to do a gravy man.
He gave me a bunch. Yeah. Do you also have
happened to have like a wet towel or something? You
just gave it a hundred ninety year old man a
(38:52):
rope to climb up on. I'm not going down there.
He's covered in ship. Okay, Well, first of all, he's
not really hundred ninety because it's how possible. Also, what
happened that the stock market crashed? Oh my god, probably
went in there. A lot of old people did a
lot of weird things when the stock market cras. So
he maybe it was twenty Maybe he wrote time Plane
(39:16):
or something. I don't know. Maybe he wrote time Plane road.
The Stephen King thing. Why don't you ask him a
couple of questions? Why are you speaking so quiet? It
took me a minute. I may have been a little
off on my numbers. I believe I'm a hunt twenty one.
Here's a girl I like you. So what are you
(39:43):
doing down there? But I was hiding? Yeah, you said that,
it's a long time to hide. Yeah, from ghosts, from well,
the ghosts of my past. What's your name? Isn't my
name is uh A Braham? Are you Abraham Lincoln? Yes?
Come on talk it was from the Great Depression. He's
(40:06):
not for the Great Depression. I told you I'm definitely
Abraham Lincoln. Because he doesn't have his hat on. I
bet you if he had a really tall hat. You
can tell you've been down there. I've been down here
since nine You have relax. This guy's got a temper
like seventy four years ago. That's seventy years. He's got
(40:29):
some paintings down here, right, can't really tell it. They're
Wait what you don't like my paintings? One other shift
on them. I don't know if that's us or painted shit.
Oh my god. All right, let's go ahead. And your
last night you checked into your room, sir? You really
smell terrible. I have been shipped on for seventy five years. Okay, great,
(40:50):
this is a red roof, and we don't ask any questions. Um, alright,
Link Lincoln you said yes, great, Abraham Lincoln, alright, third floor.
Your buddy is paid for the room here to meet. Sorry,
I'm sorry to interrupt, and do you matter if I
cut I? Oh wow, look at this. Huh? You know
a piece of ship, aren't you. Huh, here's a piece
(41:13):
of shit, aren't you? I got a problem and you
won't even let me fight. Huh, here's a piece of ship.
You are American? Of course I'm American. Are you hitting
on my wife? He's trying to hit on me I'm
not hitting on your wife. I'm gonna pull every goddamn
two thout of your head. Why would you? I'll teach
(41:34):
you to look at my wife like that. It's only
got one too, That's all he needed to do. Do
you two need a room? Oh yeah, we had a
complete with the ice machine isn't working? Floor three? Let's
say somebody plugged it up with what shit? Somebody plugged
up the ice machine was caked up in there, and
it seems like I know the culprit I did it.
(41:56):
Don't sign that great, I'll make a note of it.
We'll send somebody up tomorrow. Probably because this is a
red roof. And is this what people act like in
twenty nine? Is this what happens? Where you been all
this time? I've been in a bunk of getting shipped
on what I've been told? Why does everyone keep asking?
Seventy four years I was underground hiding. But why would
(42:20):
you say if people kept shipping? Because I could not
I could not get out. You know it's the ship,
sir as the makeover a district on third and fifth.
Just head down there. They make overt make of a district. Yeah, yeah,
it's every it's one stop shopping for making over. I'll
go right now, maybe shower first, but it's not. If
I'm getting a makeover, I need to look as terrible
(42:41):
as possible. That's fair. Here's a little map found draw
than you head down there? And why did you draw
a circ over the highlight of Why didn't you just highlight?
You know? Don't ask how I do you think? Okay,
all right, welcome to Thame's House of mike over. So
how can we Hey, hello, my name is Adolphe. For
the measure to meet you. Please let us know where
(43:02):
we can start. We'd love to begin right away with
no folks. Well, from the top of my head to
the bottom of my jack boots. Soup to nuts? Is
that size? Nuts? Who are you a pistol? Pistol? Yes?
I would like a luga? Please a luga? Yes? Oh
I don't know what that is. But what can you
do for me? Is it will make me not stand out?
(43:24):
You're not from around here? No I am not. You
get a funny excellence? Thank you? Where are you from?
I was born in Austria but lived most of my
life in Germany. Oh, Germany, I've never been. It's beautiful,
It's just a dream of home, fatherland, the father land.
I haven't heard it called that in sometime. What did
(43:44):
you do there in Germany? I was a big deal.
You are working? Are you famous? I was famous in Germany?
But now I am not saying. I'm not even allowed
to let people know him alive. It's just the first
part of the makeover. You make of my heart first.
That's exactly right. It hurts to happen. Let me only
(44:05):
just get him in this chair right over here, and
we'll starting his skin. Roger here is gonna work on
You'm just gonna work on your skin. I'm gonna put
this my burn a little bit, but it's it's gonna
be nice for fresh afterwards. Careful, not that close with
that lighter. This is slimmable. Oh wait, put that out,
he say something might Oh, bloke, stop with the flamethrower.
(44:31):
So sorry, your face is really burned. That's not that
doesn't usually happen. I am so silent. Man looks fucked up.
It's it's normal. It'll hell and it's just sometimes you
get to burn off the outside to get to the
good in. You said you've been hiding, so we don't
want it. We agree, we don't want anyone to find you,
so we're just trying to help. You're not gonna look
(44:52):
anything like yourself. I'm gonna bring my sister in and
she's gonna help you with the next phase. See us.
Adolf from Germany, O Germany. I have always wanted to go.
My cousin's best friend Study brought in Germany and I
saw pictures and I was like, I gotta go there.
You sound sover traveled. Thank you. Yes, what are you
(45:18):
going to do to me? Now? Well? I have to
get you a new outfit that's probably the fat your
birth face. What kind of outfit matches the bund face? Something? Right?
You know? I'm sorry. I got the ship in my head.
I gotta put somewhere looks real good ship. I don't know,
(45:43):
but you know, sometimes the outfit finds the person, you
know what I mean? Just a second six partner? Sir?
What's your name? How do my name is lawson? Lawson?
Why didn't you come into our store with your hands?
I said, sh on my hands. I don't know where
to go, so you just thought you'd come by? Yeah,
well look your shitty Hey, sorry about that. I'm sorry
and put it on our client. Yeah, I'm used to
(46:05):
it by now. Okay, is there anything else you needed
to do? Just just drop some ship. Well, thanks for coming.
All right, sir, here's your avocado toast and you're beyond burger.
Thank you very much. I will be upstairs on my AirPods. Okay,
if you need anything else, you just ring that bell there.
Thank you. M M. I think I'm assimilating fight bell. Hi.
(46:31):
I'm sorry to interrupt, but what is it? Oh no,
come on over. I just heard you had an accent,
and I love a guy with an accent. I don't
introduce myself. It's my years solution to meet new people. Sorry, nervous,
I just nervous. Were very relaxed. Take a little piece
of my scarff. Take a little piece of my scarf
and touch it on your skin, and then you won't
(46:51):
be nervous no more. Oh my gosh, I just feel
so connected. It's all about connections. It's like vin vain
Daire makes you listen to a thing, and he has
your mantra for you know how mantra's work, right? I think, gosh,
you're so smart. I think, um, so, my name is Dicky,
Think my name is Adolf. Hitler. I think it it's
(47:14):
time to just be myself. So I'm just going to
be myself. Sure, I am the Adolf Hitler, but I'm
better now what they're gonna say, Hitler? Yes, I finally
assimilated in your society, and I'm comfortable enough to say
my actual name. I am Adolf Hitler. I lived in
a bunker adjacent to you know what. My Norwegian friend
will explain the whole thing to you what happened, But
(47:36):
just suffice to say, fuck you, wo wow? Why the
hostility in a pizza coffee? Your piece of ship? Well,
I was covered in pieces of ship for a mile.
But now I am totally assimilated and I enjoy your
music and I have a record player. But should we
believe it? You know, give us some proof, proofs that
(47:56):
I'm Atolf Hitler. Yeah, you gave me, you know. Yeah,
it's what kind of proof do you want to look
at me? I'm a hundred and twenty someboty years old, exactly,
your wrinkled bag of shit? So what how are we
supposed to believe? We got some kind of papers? Yeah,
I have papers right here. Take a look at let's see.
These are all the shitty drawn my art. This is
(48:20):
my art. I am an artist. Do not make me
do what I did last time people did not like
my art. You have crap art, man, that's just what
I'm gonna go burn the fucking right stuck down. I
didn't get my coffee. Don't you have a dream puff
Hitler coffee? No? I think that's for that guy. Oh shit,
(48:40):
what do you have? I got moa Moka Mediataka Mediata,
Greg Moka Mediata. Sorry, I didn't feel that. I didn't
see it. I'll you mean and see it. You're the
one who wrung me up. Yeah, I'm sorry this guy.
It was really busy. You know, we have celebrity was
in the building today. They see my ass? All right, man,
you saw me, dude, you know that it was my order. Sorry,
(49:00):
I was just I kind of starstrack. Hitler was in
the man. I give a shit about that. Man, I
got I'm I'm all right, man. Like on the order
the name was Burger Burger. Yeah, keep spell that burger
b o g r. Oh it's right here. I'm so sorry.
(49:22):
I'll get that ready for you right now. You found
it now, Yeah, you know what. I don't want it,
But what really don't know if it's gonna be like this,
I don't want it. Okay, man, I just want to refund.
Give me pete points. Did you call the uber? Yeah?
I called Hitler. Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah, I just had
to good doubt of that they did not like my art. Buck.
(49:42):
Don't you look at this? Look you look at this?
What's your name? Larry? Larry? I give sure, I'm driving Larry,
but pull over? Look at it. I can't pull over?
You know you do you on five stars? Is your
name really Hitler? My name is Adolf Hitler. Yes, come on, yes,
but if I come on, come on, if I come on,
that's that's not even funny, sir, my name is Adolf Hitler, right,
(50:03):
you want to know it. It's not funny. You're not
wanting to look at my art focus while I'm driving
the car. Well, I'm wanting to show you my art.
And if you don't, how is it you have two stars?
By the way, I didn't I want to pick you up,
but I was so fascinated by only having two stars
because I'm Adolf Hitler. Yeah, and again, not terribly funny.
It's I don't know why you think that would be funny.
I don't. I don't think it's funny. What I do
(50:25):
think it's funny? So happy two stars? What is your
what is your full name? My phon name? I told
you my full name out of Hitler. What's your full name?
Larry Greer? Larry Greer? Oh, I don't believe you, Larry Greer.
How's that feel? All right? Well, here's my license? Okay?
What is it saying there's a there's a car parked
on the train tracks. I don't think we have enough
time to stop. We just gotta plow through it. I
(50:48):
feel really bad. What if there's a family of children
inside of that car? All the ship in the back
of the train is heating up. We can't keep going faster.
It's getting hard. We're gonna hit that car. You know what, great,
Why don't you get out of this car? I will
sit here in this cor by myself tracks. Yes, Iven,
if you don't want to pull over, I will just
pull over for both of us. Gets out of your car.
(51:09):
I'll sit right here. Fine until you enjoy my art.
You cannot get back in your own car. Fine, fine,
enjoy the rest of your life, Aidolf Hitler. Fine, I
will right here on these trade tracks. Oh good, look
trades because it's such a tragic end. Yeah, until the
(51:31):
billows of life get about it. You know. I saw
that email and I thought, do we want to go
down that? And I'm glad we did. Oh man, thank
you from Norway, so that we can figure out how
to kill that wonderful uh German. But yeah, not everything
(51:56):
could be true. I can't believe everything you read. As
the only jew in the rue, I were trought to
ask why true? So I'm wondering, why did you want
to shoot all over such a It was just I
couldn't hold that that was mainzing. Mainsting was just to
poop on them. Just open your innerds if I could
do that and let it happy more than to do that.
(52:16):
So when people say they want to go back in
time to kill him, your your fantasy is to go
back in time and poop on him. Yeah, but like
enough word like a sickness will occur, you know. Yeah,
it's not like it's on my shoulder. You want him
to suffer? Yeah, I mean he's caked in and weirdly
that's our show for it today, Let's thank all of
our alchemists, call Stratton. Thank you so much. Hey, thanks
(52:38):
for having me. Where can folks find Jim at Stratton
Coole or at col Stratton depending on the social media thing,
And at the west Side Comedy Theater doing a lot
of stuff outside Comedy dot com the calendar. Look for shows,
Jen Murry, you've got some shows at west Side. I
sure do second one the month, That's what she said,
eight p m. And go fourthnes the month eight pm
(52:59):
the house team and then uh, what she said is
that an all gal stand up comedy ladies, no boys
allowed except in the audience. Please come Ohn excellent Mark Gagleyard, yes, sir.
Uh find me on Twitter at Mark gags Uh the
last Wednesday of the month, The Dynasty Typewriter and Blood
(53:19):
and Treasure now streaming on Amazon Prime, season two coming
like summer. Dynasty Typewriter dot Com. Dynasty Typewriter dot com
right on, James Heeny bear supply at the west Side
Comedy Theater from time to time. I'm in pretty pretty
pony mission in profitable Fridays and Saturdays. But the real
James dot Com is the best way to find out
what's going on. Thank you so much for joining us.
(53:39):
As always, Joey Greer. I want to give a shout
out to Andrew Richards at the drew Print on Instagram
midtle video of Marcus with the episode that was the
greatest Ships Alive. But yeah, this brand new. I think
it's like the second animated from our how comy this
(53:59):
podcast us. This guy's great. Say his name again. His
name is Andrew Richards at the drew Print. At the
drew Print had Instagram shout out to you. Thank you
for doing that. That was awesome. Um, and let's thank
our engineer at the Stars, Doug Bank, our post sound
design artist Rafaelbrito, our producer Sophie Lichterman, and of course
(54:20):
I heard media. I encourage all of you to write
a review, tell everyone you've ever met about us, and
right to us. Yeah at your name here at Alchemy
this dot com. That's your name here at Alchemy this
dot com. I'm Kevin Pollock. Thank you was always until
next time and a bo
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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