This, in fact, is NOT the family you want to introduce your new boyfriend to… Let’s get meta - As we get to know Doug Boehm and Rafael Britto juuuuuuust a little too well… Oddly, working at the Sex Shoppe is not as easy as it seems.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to alchemy. This is was Kevin Pollock? What's that? Yes?
That Kevin? No. I believe when you die you start
over and try to do it better. How else could
you explain how obvious it is to me when someone
is on their very first lifetime, right like Joey Grig
But I digressed them figuring alchemists in no particular order.
(00:25):
Please say hello to Craig Katkowski. If you were the
new James Bond, what would your signature greeting be as Bond? Uh?
I'm Kikowski, Craig, but your a c K O W
(00:46):
S K I. So, as James Bond, your first order
of business is to change your It's a great secret identity.
We know that James Bond is not a guy, right,
it's an agent at in my six it's a guy.
Here's that name interchangeably, right? But the agent's name is
double A Sudden. That's right, Break it up. I've never
(01:08):
seen one of those movies. Sorry for the extra long quiz.
Open your Heart is Vanessa raglan Venie. Do you prefer
savory or sweet savory? Yeah? All the way? Do you
have faves in the savory department? Right now? You said it.
I'm thinking of a mix of savory and sweet, but
peanut butter flavored non dairy ice cream salt on top
(01:32):
to please. I'm ready stop what you're doing. It's Joey Greer, Joey,
not the fat one. Uh. What's your favorite number and why? Nine? Why?
Because it's divisible by three and the trinity is um
(01:53):
the trinity is three three take large and then if
you if you can put three three were on top
of that? Six six six. Okay, thank you for that
appreciated last. But may you sleep like a baby, as
in up every two hours with poopy drivers diapers if
you think you please dripers. It's James Heeney, Jimmy Hafaheney.
(02:14):
What's your favorite card on the deck and why? I
like the Joker And I don't think I really need
to explain. I'm sure everybody here likes the Joker the best.
It's the funniest card and most interesting. Yeah, I think
you're prominent. Don't speak for us. I mean, come on,
you don't like the Joker the best? Like the Seven
of SPADs that's weird, that's a cute one. But that's
(02:34):
you have a favorite card. I think it would be
one of the queens, you know. Yeah, I gotta support
nine of hearts different when I jack Suicide King. Oh yeah,
it's actually pretty good. Yeah, those are a good good ones.
I mean, it's more than one favorite card, but I
(02:56):
think everyone wishes you would. I need to take suicide
and when I checked this, I can't have the scene
faure to club the worst I love as well as
the lowest possible card club mathematically speaking in the deck, Um,
(03:18):
I do love how James is either holy original or
I'll just do what that guy's doing. All right, our
first scene today. Remember all of our scenes are gathered
from our listeners emails. If you'd like to submit yours,
please write to us uh at your name here at
alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy
this dot com. Our first scene comes from Elena, who wrote,
(03:40):
Hey Alchemist. First off, I want to say that I
have survived my first job as an intern doing data
entry solely because of your podcast. Thank you for the
last as a scene suggestion. Yeah, welcome. I am meeting
my boyfriend's family for the first time tonight and I
am terrified. However, I think it would be hilarious if
you created that scene much love, Elena Hayne. It's what
(04:03):
time are you? And the boy is supposed to be
uh sitting down for dinner? Um, well we were going
to actually go out for dinner. I don't know that
we're ready to have him come here and now, well
fund is my honerwear I just I just don't feel
(04:26):
like I want him to do. Does he have you
told him pocket balls? Just hanging out? Where's have you
told him about your brother? I told him I'm an
only child, and I really like, yeah, Danny, Danny, I'm
talking to your Danny, Danny, Danny. I think he's playing Fortnite.
(04:47):
I just want to say I can't meditate, Joe and
I I asked you to help everything be smooth for
one hour. Dad. Dad is pressuring me to have my
boyfriend over for that's him over for dinner. Listen to
your mother? Are you really going to make me do this?
I'd love to meet this mystery man that's swept you
(05:07):
off your feet and gotten you to stop wearing your hair.
And are you calling him that because his name is Aladdin?
I wasn't okay because that seems a little racist. I wasn't.
I was calling him that because we've never met him. Okay,
and how is that racist? It's magical and mysterious because
his name is Aladdin, it's a popular Disney movie. There's
(05:29):
nothing more mainstream. You just prefer if you called him L.
I mean, we don't usually call him by his didn't
you ask about his magic carpet wife? I don't know
what you're trying to start right now, but you are
starting it. Okay, take it too, and see what you
can do with your son. I don't want to see
my son's cocking balls right now. Let's make that to listen.
(05:50):
When he gets here, I'm just probably going to go
out with L. You having him over for dinner, Mom,
don't make me, please. I have a salmon plate ready
to go, an extra salmon. I inherited him from the
luncheon today because he's near an ocean. You thought you'd
you are You are psychotic. What you're trying to do.
The way you're trying to spin this is crazy. The
(06:12):
Mediterranean is right there. Nothing is happening that he's saying
is happening. Unbelievable. We'll have him over for a peanut
butter and jelly good. That's gonna be weird. I'll put
the salmon out. We'll see who takes what. Yeah, why
don't you just say we're not you? I think he's
pulling up. Guys, just let me go out with I'm
(06:32):
staying here. We're not divorcing a kid. Look, I want
you to have a good time on this. Rate me
five stars. All right, you're gonna meet her, You're gonna
have a good time. The parents are gonna be great.
You're gonna do goody. Thanks man, I appreciate it. You welcome.
Just give me five stars. I always do. I hope
to get five stars. Better. Let me see you do it.
(06:53):
I mean, I will you know the rides over, you know,
let me see that open now you know, I'll pull over. Okay.
I think we got it in the ride. First ride, okay,
all right, yeah, and then I'm doing it so yeah, great,
I can take you so kind of ended up. Okay,
(07:15):
I think I gotta call you again then, right, I
gotta asked for a ride. Okay, let me pull over,
all right, okay, Oh I got it. It's a different ride.
Now somebody else is in the pick him up. Let
me pick him up. Oh I didn't want to pull
I don't want to pull either. No, no, no, no no,
just it's just you. I gotta drop him off. But
(07:36):
you're good. But why is someone else in the car.
Don't worry about it. He's just kidnapping. Oh that's not
a kidnapp thing. No, he's just dropping me off about
half a mile away from my destiny. I have to
go with. But I'm not getting a discount. Calm down,
I'm not freaking out. This is the first time I've
got to pull an asked for a pol don't at
(07:58):
the pool rate. Yeah, my name is Dana. I already
know I can come in. All right, Do you want
the writ or not? Because if you want to cancel it,
you gotta do it on your in. But doesn't that
affect my rating? I think it affects my passengers. Just
you might have to pay to cancel. You just come on.
It says it's too late to cancel. I have to
accept a feed. Come on, you want to come anywhere?
(08:19):
This is racketeering. I think it's not racketeering. Which way
are you going north? That's opposite direction. Yeah, we're going
about half a mile south and he's gonna drop me off.
This is this is a Laddin and so come on
and I'll take it. Okay, Fine, So he's gonna he's
gonna go on a date see his girlfriend's parents for
(08:41):
the first time. You've never seen them. How do you
know that? We were just talking about that, We were
just dawn about it. I said, I was gonna pick
up my girlfriend. You're gonna pick her up in this
uber and then you picked me. It doesn't matter what's
gonna happen. Oh my god, I think he's in the
car with somebody else. I'm supposed to be going out there.
There's a girl in that car. There's a woman in
(09:01):
that Carman, you bring him in here, you go out
to the car, you say, please come in a lad.
I'm incredibly embarrassed. I don't know what he's doing with another.
That girl is so gorgeous. I'm so sorry. Okay, I'm
gonna go. So sorry he brought a date. I don't think.
I don't think you understood the dynamic of the relationship.
(09:23):
Tell you, can you honk again? She's not coming out. Look,
I don't hunk A couple of times, many times. Lip glass.
You've got to put on lip glass. You have some
Absolutely I do. I'm a cosmetics rep here. Yeah, pretty lips.
Nice shame, thank you? Oh my god, what are you
doing with your fingers on my boyfriend's lips? Oh my gosh,
(09:47):
I've heard so much about you. I was sorry, Dina.
There's not enough salmon plates or peanut butter and jellies
for you, so you gotta ghost the more else. I
have to go a mile and a half north. Hey,
what's all this out here? Hi? I'm her father, you
(10:08):
must be allowed. I'm al Baba al h Hi, I'm
Gregory and I'm da. I don't know. We're just sharing
a ride. They're just sharing a ride. It's something weird.
Are you the driver? That's why you're behind the wheel. Okay,
they weren't kissing or anything. But do you want to
come in? When you say Mr bo like we were,
(10:29):
but we weren't, Mr Bobba, call me Mr Bobba? Just
al is Okay? How would you come into the house
and say hello? I know my wife would love to
meet just for a minute for dinner. Give me five stars,
all right? I will? I told you that just doing it? Okay,
we just get it in the ride, which I think
we'll also bump you off the road. I also see
(10:51):
this is what happened when I was picked up you did?
Is this the second time you've raided it? Yeah? So
just do you two want to come in for dinner? Also? No, no,
I gotta go salmon, salmon for Dana to come along. Dad,
she's mean. Okay, Well, how your girlfriend is me? Good luck? Good?
(11:13):
All right? Thanks? Man? Did you read me? Or no? Yes,
I did? Hold on, it's not come up on my phone.
Can we go and sign? Yeah? Okay, okay, bye? Out.
Do you work out? You know you're a pretty great change. Oh? Thanks, Yeah,
yeah I do. I work out, you know, part of
a gym. Joint gym. Welcome my wife, Rachel. Oh, Aladdin,
(11:36):
it's a pleasure to meet you. Just call him a
humble babe. This is what unexpected pleasure. Wasn't expecting to
meet you? Well tonight, Well, I happened into a salmon
plate and we've been dying to hear about this. Um
Eastern Middle Eastern mad mystery. Oh you did this to me?
(11:58):
You planted the seeds. What I'm doing? You needed my
health to be a racist? No, I'm not al Aladdin,
I am not a racist. Okay, I just drop it. Mom,
you're making it weird. I would love to offer you
some salmon for no reason. Salmon sounds great. Where the
(12:20):
salmon come from, Honey, I don't know the ocean. Don't
push me into this. Don't push Mediterranean to come from
the Mediterranean. It might have. I've got a lot of
tales to tell. Aladdin it's a weird name. We're all
going to move through. Not really, it's not where I
come from. There's a lot of Aladdin's in my family.
(12:40):
Actually where in the family. Well, we're delighted to have you.
I love the Disney I love the New Disney movie.
I love the Old Disney movie. And I love this guy.
It's baba that we say baba, I mean we say baba.
You threw me off. How do you spell that b a?
(13:01):
The traditional? Yeah? Alright, let's just all sit at the
table with drink. What do you have? What do you have? Like,
just gonna have justice tea, Justice tea. He can't drink.
He's not old enough to drink. He's not there. I'm two.
(13:21):
It sounds like, oh, mamam, alert is going I am eighteen.
It is not as big a gap between you and
down is our favorite drinking and that's working out so well,
isn't it. Where you come from, where I come from?
Huh um, where you come from? I wish you, wish
(13:43):
you can. Really, we're having a bit of a day.
How when I have plans later, So let's just have
this dinner and we're gonna do this and we're gonna
play games. So we haven't dinner. What. Oh, who's this? Nobody?
This is nobody to introduce your brother by saying nobody, brother,
I like to you said you're an only child. I
(14:04):
wish I was an only child. Why would you say that?
Because I know why you would say that. I don't
want them to meet specifically. We often say we only
have one up, thank you. I'm not the only one.
I'll come on. I want to say my toy collection,
your collection collection, Daniel, Is now the time for this? Yeah?
I think it is. Oh, you don't have to go, Oh,
(14:25):
you don't have to go. Enjoy the salmon. Would you
like a little sweet wine, a little dessert wine. That
sounds great, Okay, start with dessert wine. Yeah, that's what
you know. Why don't you bring a couple of your
toys to the table. That way doesn't have to go
to your bedroom. Why don't you not try to just
micromanage him, don't macro that's not helping Rachel. Yes, can
(14:45):
we not do this time? Why not do it? All? Right?
Let's do it in fact, al mr Baba, we'd like
you to be the judge and jury as Rachel and
I have a little debate about what it means to
raise I think that puts him in a very awkward position.
Comfortable about that? Yeah, Aladdin, you don't have to You
don't have to be the judge and jury for this.
(15:06):
Why don't I just see the toy collection? And I
think that's a great idea. Yeah, sure I would. I
would take that choice as well. You can go to
Stewart can I for the first time in your life?
I don't want that just got uninvited around. We are
still going out later, babe, right? I thank God? Like
the faster the better because this is embarrassing. Well why
(15:28):
is it embarrassing? Because you guys are arguing like you
should have been divorced to know. I would like to
take a moment to say what a luxury it is
that you feel like you're able to say this is embarrassing?
When I was your age. If I had tried to
tell my mother that something was embarrassing you, imagine what
she would have done to me. So this is this
is my flesh light and hold it. Okay, Um, so
(15:53):
that I know what a fleshlight is. So you you
have sex with this? M okay? So these are all
sex toys that that we're talking about. Then how how
old are you, Daniel? Okay, so it's kind of a
big gap between you and Michelle m twenty years. She's
(16:17):
kind of a mistake. Huh, I don't know. Okay, this one,
this is another flashlight. And these are all flashlights, different sizes.
M hm. Does some of them feel better than others? No,
part of world, wife, Why would you have more than
one fleshlight? This is a lego? Oh? Okay, so this
(16:41):
is a legitimate toy. This? Oh god? So if like
you've replaced your back up with a with a tiny
lego flesh light flight, but it's still a functional fleshlight.
What what do you do for a living? I make toys?
Oh so this, well, these aren't really legos? Are they
(17:01):
just like a knockoff brand you made yourself? She goes,
She goes, yeah, okay, so you like my sister. Huh yeah,
you're gonna get a pregnant mirror, get a pregnant then
marry her. Well I go not. I mean, I don't know.
This is a new relationship. You know, we're like a
month into this. I've always looking for a brother. Uh huh.
(17:24):
So if you're gonna be my brother, then we gotta
make some ground rules about what does that mean? Okay,
I'm really mind if I crashed the boys club. It
is too it's two heated down there, Stewart. And I'm
sorry to talk about your father in front of you,
but he is the worst. Oh what are what are
all those? These are my toys? You never seen this?
(17:46):
Actually I've never seen that one. Now those are not Aladdin's.
He didn't bring those. Does anyone want any of this dessert?
Right one? I would like a glass please, I don't
have a glass. Oh that's nuts. You brought all these
toys in here? What's going on here? Stewart? Get out
of here? Four long four flush leg Well now I'm
(18:10):
out of dessert wine. Fine, finally, thank goodness. Hey, let
me get in on that fleshlight which get in on it?
What's happening? Where's where's Rachel. I didn't know there's such
a collection was available room? Oh my god, what are
(18:31):
all of you doing in here? Are doing different things?
Bring the salmon in. We're not eating in his bedroom. Hisroom.
He's always making disgusting noises. I want to just leave. Baby.
Let's get in my carpet and get out of here. Okay,
let's wait. Did he say, did you make a carpet joke?
It's not a joke. It's not a joke. I have
(18:52):
a flying carpet. Okay, show what show them and they'll
be world looks like a regular rug. It does look
like a regular rug. But you just threw it out
the window. But the drink goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. Why couldn't
(19:14):
they have taken you? Scene too comes from Saba, who
wrote high Alchamiss, I've got an idea for a scene
A day in the life of Doug Baine and Raphael Prito.
I gotta say the show is solid gold. He did
(19:37):
write Doug Baine as in Bain the Batman. Yeah. Uh,
who's dr Injurer all basos bassos? Uh Saba Jadi from
New Mexico. Okay, Uh, Daniel he kisses? Is that kisses
(19:58):
bass be so could be the billionaire yet all right,
we're not checking to a day in life the baman Raffaelbrito, Hey, Rafael,
can I see in my office please? Yeah? Yeah, so listen.
I don't need a lot. I just need you to
(20:20):
mix the sound design into the podcast on a fairly
regular basis. I'm just here to make sure this doesn't
get out of hand. Thank you. I have a family, right,
uh you know I I have your so gung ho
in the beginning, so enthusiastic. I'd love to be a
part of this still am I still love it? Okay,
I just write just a couple episodes a week. It's
(20:42):
I understand. It doesn't seem like it's not just that
it's everyone screaming. Everyone Everyone's screaming. The levels are off constantly. Um,
well you mean the cast. Yeah, there's a very little
consistency in the sound of their voices. Yeah, okay, I
don't need you to worry about that. I just need
high playing the blame game. I do too. Let's stop
(21:03):
her playing the blame game, pointing fingers. I recorded, I
recorded all the time, and I don't think it sounds
stay in your office, does he seem like a little stroking. No,
you can't say that. You can't. You can't take it back. Okay,
(21:25):
it's offensive to take it back. I'm taking it back.
I met you look like you've had a mini stroke.
You don't elaborate. I have to be here. You are
a mine field. Gloria from HR sure to save the day.
I apologize to a more bad about the alchemy this time.
Oh he's drowning in his own hit. It sounds like
(21:47):
he's tying. Take that back, Raphael, take it back, it back,
I take it back. I've got a representative from my
Heart Media here. Well, yeah, that's the company you work
for it. I don't know if he works for it
so much? Do you take back a lot of taking back?
(22:10):
You can do TakeBack? Okay, then there's no more offense. Correct.
That's good to know. Within a time frame. Then right away?
Is there is it? Can I go or I have
a family? Raphael? Can I ask about the sound of horses?
Where are you getting it from? Right now? And then
you drop in clippity clop, And I want to know
what the hell. The reason these things take so long
(22:30):
is because I actually go out into the field and
record these sounds. What what are you doing there? Oh,
I'm sorry. I thought this was an open field. I'm
just trying to record these horses. Uh, I'm doing scare
my horses with that big mikey. Sorry, Mike looks like
a flesh light. It's not a flesh light, all right. Yeah,
I'm like to interest you in a flesh light. No, no, no,
(22:53):
I don't want to family. Um. So yeah, I'm sorry,
I just came over. I'm doing it a comedy podcast.
Comedy podcast. It's it's Can I ask what it's called? Yeah,
it's called alchemy. That never never heard sis, never heard
of alchemy. That alchemy. No, that's not what it's called
called alchemy, alchemy, alchemy, alchemy this. Yeah, I'm there's Doug.
(23:21):
Oh god, that's sounding. So you guys are a team
kind of her but kind of. Actually, he brings his
own recording studio with him. Member. He goes, anyway, I'm
started just try the horses. Hi. My name is Raphael Brido.
I'm I'm I'm a I'm a sound guy. Did you
get that? What are they doing here? Well, they were
(23:43):
cording the horses. Mother. Why are they recording the horses? Well,
apparently I guess there's no public domain sounds of horses
available on the internet, so these horses are public domain.
He's a rod domain. I know, my that was on me.
I thought it was a public right. I hate wave
a shotgun that a man who's clearly been hit by
a stroke. I'm fighting you take it back. You take
(24:07):
it back. I'm not taking nothing back. Hr thing. You
kind of have to take it back. Okay, Okay, we're
not with your company. Okay, a flashlight, Yeah, we sell
flashlights and we're all working farm. Okay. I'm surprising that
I Heart Radio hasn't taken you over yet. Okay, because
they're they're they're pretty big. If you haven't heard about it,
(24:28):
are they pretty big? Why they take us over? Well,
they would just you know, they would absorb you. They
absorb you, and then I don't want us to get son.
I don't want us to get him. These fellows doing
on the property, Daddy, Daddy, I'm talking to him. I'm
bare looking out here. A lot of noires come down
right now, You've woken up my father, who's much older
(24:49):
than I am. I gotta don't understand when you feel
don't crack, are you recording us. I am, but I
only you are a fancy shild big that, uh well
kind of. I do sound effects. I do sound design.
Your family? Who's clown boil? Were you this dark? Dark brief?
(25:11):
Why is he dripping? Why do you keep saying what
he's like? He's like a pokemon in that way. He
just can't help it. This is a typical day for
the two of you. Yeah, yeah, it actually is. It's
what are doing on the property day. We were just
trying to get horse sounds. Sorry about that, Well, well
we'll just horse sound for what for this podcast? Alchemy? This?
(25:32):
What does that mean? Oh? I've heard of that alchemy
that I know. I know that alchemy actually Craig at Cash, Yeah,
Jamie Jamie, Yeah, who's that, James James Jamie jan Yeah. Yeah.
We send in suggestions every week, but they haven't used
(25:54):
any of us to what's the last one you came
up with? The last one I came in with is
somebody who's trying to record a bunch of horses. Wait
a minute, we're living that right now. All right, Well,
I appreciate that, but we should we should did that
land with you? That my son's suggestion is being lived
(26:16):
out right. Now you understand what happened in there. Run
that happened to all the time. This is a very
typical day, honestly. Yeah, I give me some water. I
think you should put a headband around your job to
keep it up. Okay, hell, I really just wanted the
comedians to riff with it on the podcast. I didn't
(26:38):
expect you'd come to my home, you know, and re
enacted in real life. Here you go. Sometimes, why didn't
the comedians come? Where are the comedians? I don't know.
I don't know. You can't be one of the funny ones.
I'm not. I'm just wanting to do sound engineering. You
have a family, I help you have a family? I
make this what kind of family? The people family? What
(27:00):
kind of sounds that they might actually have a recording
of it? Just now and here me? That's it? So
that's like that's some Yeah, that sounded like goats, like
our goats trumping around recording. I got if it might
(27:27):
have been, it might have don't have a family, family,
I have a family. I don't think I got the gun. No, okay,
I got the gun. Honey, good over here. I'll just
get there, Doug. You just Doug baby Ruffhael Brito, Yes,
I can't be poshable. Somehow I didn't put that together
(27:50):
their names. Do you know us? Honey, you've done fan
out of these two fellers. Why don't you show up?
I've done fan out of you. Come with me to
the manure cave. Okay, follow me. It's a good track,
al right. Why why don't we just five hours later?
Here we are, take a whiff before we go in.
(28:12):
Oh girl, it's most bad. Now what we're gonna do
when we get in there? I've fashioned you out of manure.
I'm gonna take your word. This rifle says you stay boys,
Doug Bam, you're the taller one of the manure. When
(28:33):
I light it on fire, float it does a boom
boom to It's God, you're better without your eyebrows. Thank you.
Let's head back to the mainland. I'm sorry, but Raphael
(28:57):
thug a pest um. So we're not gonna be able
to to u alchemy this anymore. You were sent here
from my heart media, Yeah, is this a joke? You're
the representative what happened to the other guy from my
heart and you think this is funny? Did he get
fired to us. Yeah there was, and oh he probably
did get fired because of pranks Like this, dog and
(29:17):
Rafael are gone, we can still do the show. Yeah,
we'll just get another engineer another Yeah, that's not how
it works. It's not now a word. We're more replaceable
than those two. Yeah, so how about that scenario what
I relaxed, relaxed, I thought, just black, Paul, I'm sorry,
just come down. You are right. It's like James Bond. Yes,
(29:39):
I'm sorry, but we're gonna have everyone here is at
it's gonna have to actually wait, we're out of a job.
This is bought me my mansion. I'm sorry, we make
mansion money. If I have to default on mansion payments,
I don't know what I'm going to tell my staff. Well,
you're gonna have to tell him they got to go
home because you gotta leave the city. You signed my
fault that Rafael went to a fucking horse farm to
(29:59):
we're hord horse noise to do that rather than just
lifting horse, got a place called the manure cave. Don't
talk to Doug and know that he shouldn't be traveling.
Yeah right, let the guys appears, Okay, and that's just
how it is. So, so, what do you got for us?
You got replacements for this? Yeah? This is getting canceled, alright,
(30:22):
alright canceled. I'm canceling this thing, and I'm stripping it
for all the pieces that I need for something else.
All Right. We're actually gonna be using James for a
couple of the projects. God, thank you, James. One of
the other projects, he's going to be doing ad read
for flash lights. That's it. I don't know if that's
with my brand. Okay, James, let's try the first Dads
(30:46):
flashlight too, if you wouldn't mind. The copies are in
front of you. I just don't know. I feel like
this is every time you share these on Facebook. My mom,
my grandma are cry facing it? Okay, Well, how about
ask them not to do let me to do the
organ gasm noise is on his tack, or just find
him now? Well you know what, Let's try behind him
now when you're ready, James, Okay, counting down three to one.
(31:08):
Just when you thought there wasn't a thing to put
your penis in a fresh light. I'm sorry. I caught
it myself. I caught it myself. I was doing good work.
He said fresh Light. Yeah, I'm sorry if you wouldn't
do great, thank you. Yeah, that was spot on perfectly.
(31:30):
I'll get that. Are you sure? I mean maybe maybe
maybe we should Okay, whenever you count me down, I'm
not free to them. Just when you thought there wasn't
a place to put your penis, flesh Light, you put up.
I heard fresh Light. That's not true. And James, maybe
not so much. I got text when you're when you're
(31:51):
reading this and just just read the Can you look
at the copy instead of us? I guess, But I
really feel like I need to connect to somebody, and
this is just connect to me. I'm right here. Why
you think you're having a conversation about the flesh line, Well,
that's I've always approached advertisement is a conversation with the viewer. Start.
Oh my god, I know he's now he's got you.
(32:11):
You're going through the roof with these flesh like commercials.
People who love up. We wanted to bring you a tour.
We want to bring you to a squirt con. Alright,
I just don't know if I really that's not what
I was dreaming of, Like I really wanted to brand. Right,
you know, you're making how much money, now, thousands of
dollars a month, and we can bump that up to
maybe you know whatever. So look, how much like a
(32:32):
hundred more, a hundred thousands or thousand, one hundred dollars
a hundred dollars more. All right, now, look, we're gonna
bring you a squirkun We're gonna said Joe good, we
got a booth gunner, squirt, Squirt, let's sen it up. Okay,
I'm sorry, it's good. Happen soon in the next couple
of minutes. Squirt, Mr Heeney, I can't. I'm actually meeting you. Mean,
my brother and I barely got in a squirt conn
(32:53):
and I just wanted to say, one of your biggest fans,
can you sign this for me? Please? Oh that's dirty.
Well it's a funk. I'm sorry, Hold on one second, um,
can you just sign it? Alright? Alright, I'll sign it.
I can't believe you brought him here. The red I'm
gonna triump it. It's just me ring. This is really gross.
(33:16):
I'm sorry. Let me wipe it on. Thank you, I'm
moving on, moving on, moving on. Sorry, do you think
we could get some of the alchemy? This guy's back
to maybe help me with this. Um, yeah, what do
you mean? I don't know. I just feel like it's
a lot to have one guy signing all these flashlights.
So you want to split that thousand dollars that there's
(33:38):
the extra hundred. I'll see what I canna do. It's
gonna take a second there. It's gonna be some kind
of mont Pelage moment of getting the crew back together.
Thank you? Hey, what what do you? What are you
ahead of this weekend? Kevin, I was wondering if you
wanted to take a trip to Vegas. Sorry, but I
love Vegas. I thought so. I figured, so go you
got like a jet or something. No, we're gonna be
(33:59):
dry thing. Oh that's right, that's what you need to ride. Yeah,
oh you're asking could drive if you don't mind, it's
not I don't because you love Vegas, right I do.
And one of the nights we have this awesome show
to go to me. No, I work on motorcycles, map,
but the whole life behind me. There's a lot of money.
Nothing you can do to convince me and telling me
(34:21):
it's it's my old life. This is me now. These
motorcycles are nice, but they're just electric gas powered bicycles.
When you really look at exactly, don't you feel like
should you say something about money? I did? I think
you should get the game back? Taylor, Taylor, come on, buddy,
running the first Joey James, what's upright? Five? Okay, y kids? Change,
(34:48):
how you've really changed? Yeah? Yeah? I um, I found
the Trinity and everything just been kind of a you
know it? Wow? Um? So I got this new gig
going on with you know I heart radio. Oh yeah,
I don't know if I'll go back to that again. Man,
Old Joey Eats has come. Yeah, those days are gone.
Mary normal food. Now I'm working Hawking flashlights, Joey plush lights.
(35:12):
I already got Kevin in Vanessa in there coming to
the cons work. Con Can I get a dry Martini? Shakings?
You have to pay? I'm Craig accows King. Yeah, oh
Mr Kcowns. Give me have your table, Thank you very much.
No phones in the dining I'm okay. You's been avoiding
(35:33):
my are you? I'm James Keeney. We used to do
a show together, Alchemy. This ms to Kukawski. It's so
good to see again. It's been since Berlin. Yes, the
lady swim. I'm sorry for interrupting whatever is happening here.
That's a lot tax thank you very much, very orange,
(35:54):
It is very orange. My time is precious. Je I'm sorry.
Let me cut right to the chase hard if you interrupting,
genuine Mr Kakowski. The lamb sleeps by the river. Oh
well that you need to wake him up. What is
your listen? I'm sorry, Mr Hooney. I'm sure it's an
(36:16):
important time for you as well. But this agent and
I need to communicate. It's a matter of national security. Yes,
I need a agent. Whatever this is about, it's about
flesh of national security. Okay. So what is Craig coming
or not? I think he's going to be here. I
(36:38):
like my shop for this. I mean, it wouldn't be
the same without Craig. So why is Craig not in
the car? We're halfway there. Well, I guess is he's
probably trying to talk Chris Elvarado into come and picking
them up somewhere. It's a long drive to Vegas. I
just assumed that you get Hey, guy can speak Chris Alvarado.
(37:00):
What's up? Okay? I came back for Doug Babes's funeral,
and uh, just you're sticking around. Yeah, yeah, that's nice,
come to squirt, come with us. I thought it was
comic book convention, Yeah, James, I'm sorry, Kevin. This is
a convention to flashlights, you know, the masterbathing tool. Oh, yes,
(37:22):
of course. And I'm sure Chris is in right. Absolutely.
What's the con part convention? Convention? Okay, you're all saying
convention a lot. I still don't understand how I'm being
con Oh that's it's different. Convention is where a group
of people with a similar um what would you say group?
It's a group of people who have a similar interest
(37:43):
in objects such as like comic books, movies. So a
lot of views, flash lights, a lot of people like you.
What do you mean? I mean you'll feel comfortable there?
And this took us down once. Why we're all going
with you? Um, well, it's just would be a lot easier.
I signed a lot of if you're aware though, don't
raise your hand. Wait, and we lost them that day,
(38:22):
believe it or not. We've come to our last scene
of today's show. This one is from Haven h A V. E. N. Haven,
who wrote how do Alchemists? Thanks? For Thanks to everyone
for putting together such a hilarious podcast. Admittedly I first
thought the show was going to suck and stayed away,
but after consistently hearing Kevin's ads on various other I
(38:43):
Heart radio podcast I figured I would give it a shot.
Now Here I am months later, Alchemy, this is one
of my favorite podcasts, and I'm writing an email to
kiss your asses and ask for forgiveness. My yeah, right,
let's see, let's go around real quick. Forgiveness everyone forgiven, forgive,
forgiven for the thing I didn't know about until ten
seconds There was a review, because you can be a favorite,
(39:04):
like if you review it, then you're forgiving. I think
that's a good point. Haven go into however, you get
your podcasts and go to the review section and make
sure you give us a good one. Please. That will
be the askis portion of the show. And then forgiveness
is yours, not back to your letter. My idea for
a scene is as follows. A new hire is shadowing
a veteran employee at a local sex shop. Well, that
(39:25):
combines all done and who knew that any of the
previous uh internews would get us into all these areas?
Best regards, Haven from Toronto. Ps. The Dynasty tirewriters really
fucking far from my house. So if you guys should
do a show up here in Ontario, please bring the
popcorn machine so I can see what all the fuss
(39:46):
is about. I love you. You got it this corn?
He did your way Haven, Haven from Toronto. Hey new guy? Uh,
it says on the resume here you you did some
spots for flush lights? Is that right? I did? I've
been trying to It went down really bad? How so well?
(40:10):
I used to be a podcast star with Rent Control
in l A Wow, so you were the one, and
then I took a solo gigs selling flush lights. Sounds
like a dream job, but half the time you're wiping.
Come off and try and get your signature to stand
on some silicone. So I'm trained for this job, right, Well, listen,
(40:30):
we uh we're all out of flashlights. We got outfits,
we got paraphernalia. Is anyone helping you? Yeah? Can I
tell you what? Why don't you take the first customer?
I don't even know what we have here. See how
it goes. I'm sorry, I'm having a hins night from
my friends hands night, Hins not oh Okay, that makes sense. Okay,
(40:59):
in star, I need some fun stuff. Mostly I'll suppose
shape back penises. Um great, open to suggestions, obviously, when
you keep it classy, class it's a bachelorette night, it's
hands to night, it's hands night, the same as bachelorette. Yeah, okay, cool.
Well let's let's let's work on the similarity between the
(41:19):
word hands and hands and we'll make it a handsy
hands night. No are you? Are you sure? Because there's
a lot I haven't looked at the inventory, but my
guess is there's a lot of hands and tools here
that would hear what you hear. And I don't want
to do a weird thing about the way you're hearing.
Might I've always been the new theme to this party?
(41:41):
Or not? Sorry? I think it could be anybody's voice
to think hands and hands sounds similar. It's not. I'm
not making fun of your accent. I'm sorry, miss Can
you excuse me? M this moment? I think I may
have what you need for your hands night. Let me
just have a word real quick. James, Sorry, James, Yeah, James,
I why don't you have a birthday party that's you? James?
(42:03):
And and also a great Dane. Because it sounds so similar,
everyone will love it. Not even in your language. Is
that similar that come across bad James. It's it's it's
not surprising to me that you haven't been able to
keep any of these positions, be to podcast or someone
selling their wares at a con, based on your attitude
(42:25):
and the way you interact with coming off a little
dismissive mental, Let's try it with this. Let's see if
things go a little better. I'll follow me this way
and I'll help me. I should be able to help you. Yeah,
I want to sell these DVDs. Oh, we don't actually
(42:47):
buy back any DVDs. No, there's I didn't buy the
vi These are of me, These are a you. Yeah,
these are home movies I made. Let me pop one
into the disc tray. Who wants a little mandaise sandwich?
Little mannaise sandwich. Oh, I'm gonna make a sale. It's
just out of maonnaise? All right, I think I've seen enough.
(43:09):
Are all of these just solo videos? Or is there
some character work, relationship stuff? Well, I think if you watched,
I mean they're good. You just watched a little bit.
You don't even know what it's about. Well, I get it.
It's just you doing a one man show. Yeah you know, yeah,
but do you want Well, I'll tell you what. I'm
not in charge of buying and selling here, but I
(43:32):
charge of the registers. It isn't I'll tell you what.
How much do you think this is worth about? Well,
you're not getting that. Sorry, done, deal, you're not getting
any of that. Ill tell you what negotiated? All right.
I'll give you twenty bucks for one of these tvts
deal all right? Great? And then what about the other four?
I would say, you go back home, you get somebody
(43:54):
to do some scenes with you, and bring something with
grownded relationships back and will. I'm getting notes from the
guy who's working at the freak shop. It's not a
freak shop. This is an adult it's a freak shop.
These are basically medical devices. Sick. You're sick, all right,
Donna Bell please? Uh, Tommy, Yeah, I need uh, I
(44:14):
need some sort of emotion from your character. You keep
saying that and I keep giving you. Okay, maybe we
should re uh discuss what what I'm looking for in
terms of what that emotion should be. Okay, your dog
has just passed away. Right, you're trying to make a
mannaise sandwich. I know what your action is, yeah, but
(44:36):
I need you to feel some sort of emotions for
the fact that your dog just died. Wow. Making the
mannaise give from television city, right, yes, okay, so you
know how this works, right? I do. Okay, great, So
then why don't you do your side and I'll make
the man sandwich. Al right, So I'm not seeing anything
in your eyes, swich, I keep them closed. I close
my eye, it's right, and I need him open filled
(44:57):
with some story you're telling. Right, all right, we'll try
something straight another to take roll slap. Okay, when you're
ready to take your own action. I want a manaise sandwich.
I gotta make this bandaise sandwich. I want of his mayonnaise.
I'm gonna put all this mayonnaise of this bread. Read
here go, my god, this is so much bread. There's
(45:18):
too much bread out of this bandaise sandwich. I mean
if it takes up his bread off and put you
the more mayonnaise on there, my dog died. Uh my
best man said, which you good? Tastes so good. I'm
gonna eat the old thing. Up, and then I'm gonna
after what I've done eating the man they say, which
is I'm hungry and never eat another Mandai's sandwich, and
then I'll push the more. Yeah. I really liked what
you did with this one. I feel like the character
(45:38):
is coming through, but what I don't see his relationship.
I need somebody else serious, I'm serious. I already got
in trouble for giving twenty dollars out of the register
once but not Did you make back of the DVD? Well,
I've still got it. I've kept it for me. Pat
Man hated it up. Do you have any more? Too many?
Sandwich guy? Hello? Hello? Believe it? This guy? Who? This
(46:04):
is hopcord Man? Please tell me came to bring some
more movies? I would I would rend as many as
you go. You're a fan, right, That's why I'm here,
and you want things to be as good as they
can get. Right. I need your autograph. I don't know
what you're talking about. Can you sign something for me? Uh?
This Man Sandwich DVD? Yeah? I bought it and I
(46:26):
was gonna hope to trade it in, but now I'll
keep it. Can I get another one from me? A
couple more? You have more. I mean, I haven't even
reproduced this tv D yet, so i'd be selling my
only copy. Oh but here you have been making anymore soon? Yeah?
Maybe I could come to the set where you're working.
It would be great. I do anything to see you work,
That would be great, Mr Mannaise Man. So I'll just
show him around and just give him the whole tourment,
(46:49):
all right, I can't believe him here. Okay, well this
is where we shoot, this is where's the body keep
the mannaise. Well, we can't show you that right away.
About the bread because he's always talking about badly, but
a finite amount of bread and man, you know, he
goes through it pretty quick. Yeah, I bet he does.
(47:09):
I would bet he does. So you're a big fan
hunt Oh yeah, yeah, me and all my friends at school. Yeah,
I gotta turned everybody onto the man. He's really yeah. Yeah.
Because it's such a specific fetish, the odds that you know,
you and your entire group of friends would all be
into it. Oh we're into it, all right. That's great,
and I don't judge. You're not wrong. It's very unique
(47:31):
and I think that's what we'd get out of it,
you know, have seen nothing like it before. Where do
you want me to put this dog corpse? Um? I
think right over there in the corner is but the
other one, yes, well, the dog corps that should be together.
What's that? She like a set this? Uh? Yeah, she's
since in charge of props props props right right right,
so she would know where the bread is. I could
(47:53):
ask her, we're not going to show you the bread, kid,
you know, okay, fella can wish like if I had
a dollar for every kid who visited the set and
wanted to fund the bread, how many dollars you have
a lot of dogs. I just hate to be this person,
but these corpses aren't going to keep. We got to
two dog corpses on set. We need to get our
(48:14):
guy in here. We need to get that bread ready,
and we need to roll. Look, man, I'm sorry, I
don't how many more dog corpses you need? But I
don't get that many? All right? I need another one? Well,
I mean, look, it needs to look like it was
loved recently. You're showing me all these main gas dog corpses.
We need one that looks like a loved pet. Then
you know you gotta pay more I have to weep
(48:34):
over this dog. You gotta pay more? How much more?
I mean hundreds of dollars more, hundreds of dollars more
for a dead dog. You need to do some personal reflection.
You've got a truck full of dead dogs. Yeah, and
I can dump this anywhere I want, Yeah, dump them
on my lot. You gotta I have to pay for
(48:55):
these corpses. What's wrong with you? What? What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with you? Got beautiful eyes? Thank you, thank you?
Look at it. I don't don't care how much how
tough it was to acquire these dog corpses. Okay, that's
a collie you're looking at. I know I can see
it looks like lassie. It's exactly like a male dog.
By the way, I know everyone knows that story looks
(49:19):
like some people saying, you know, cilantro doesn't taste good
to everyone. Okay, Okay, you saw the call sheet right
The morning is all manase sandwich and the afternoon is
dog corpse. So well, then I'm gonna have to take
the mayonnaise out of the fridge, the real mannaise, and
put the dogs in. Look whatever, Okay, open the fridge,
(49:41):
because if he opens that fridge, thinking there's mayonnaise and
the order of the shots at stop, shoot anything. You know,
our star is probably in his dressing room getting ready.
I can get the dogs shoved in there in two minutes. Okay,
why she's doing the dogs? Can we go meet the
mayonnaise man? Sure you met him, man, but I mean
(50:06):
see him. I'm so nervous. Okay, yeah, alright, I haven't
seen him at knock knock. Hello, Hey, I got I
got somebody here. I got it's Timmy, Mr Manai's who's there?
It's that Chuck I got. I got a kid named Timmy.
Come on? Who Mr mannis? Man? Hello? Oh wow? This
(50:29):
is your trailer. What do they call this like a
single because it's kind of small? Yeah, I expected a
little bit bigger. Yeah we can do you know. Yeah?
I got some mermonnaise. Yeah, we got jugs around there.
If you want to dip your hands, don't let him
dip in. We gotta use those us. I saw the set.
I saw the set in this Lady brunon Doug Corpses.
(50:52):
What's the scene about? Well, my dog died, right, and
then I gotta cry about it, and then I gotta
eat this manise sandwich. Okay, so you make the mayonnaise
stand right there in the spot, right and then you
eat it. You eat your own man. He said, So
that man is looking at what we're gonna We're gonna
roll in about ten so you know whatever, you know,
(51:14):
we're gonna start rolling. We're just start rolling in ten minutes. Okay.
So I think he was right. I think we're gonna
get out of here. Oh the manes man. I thought
since Marvin mq have, I hoped the character would come
back manas man. I never knew what was a double
(51:35):
on tongue. Yeah, in my mind, it was a man.
It was the cleanest, dirtiest, filthiest thing that ever happened.
That's our should. Let's thank all of our alchemists. But
that's a raggling so excited uh to uh to welcome
you back each and every damn time. But you have
this whole theater light that's going on night to go
(51:58):
to the downashy type of our theater for the calendar
the upcoming events. It's such an exciting place, perfect in
Los Angeles. Check it out Dannasy typewriter dot com or
on Instagram Dannasy typewriter. We got a lot of fun
shows are about to be announcing, and I'd love you
to come. And now we have dark chocolate chips you
can put on top of your Yeah, we've had candy,
but we just added the dark chocos. She has in
(52:18):
fact sweeten sweetened the pod. K Kakowski. Yeah, at Kakowski
on Twitter and keep watching Drunk History. Season six is
area right now on Comedy Central. Great show, great season,
and thank you for it. Yeah, Joey Gray July one, Yes,
(52:44):
throw that at me. Okay, you can't see that. That
was an attack. That was like he became and apparently
I just hold that birth for about seven minutes one
seven pm at Westside Comedy Theater. I'll pemy this a
live love you, James Heeney, will you be there the one?
(53:04):
And I'm also there every second and fourth Wednesday doing
the show for with Bear Supply, wonderful Bear Supply and
let's thank our engineer to the stars, dog Bam here
part of the show was it yesterday or today? It
seems like a week ago. But man, oh man, you
you what did how far did you dig deep to
(53:26):
come up with your version of what Doug bam would
sound well, I just happened to have the opportunity. I
had already been practicing doing dog beams right because the
audience listening probably has no idea what he actually sounds like.
And now they think they do because of what you
know they do, because yeah, and what are we creation?
It was Raphael Brito, our sound design broducer, So happy
(53:51):
Soman our producer. Where was Sophie today? With ms Her
and h Anderson Cooper the Wonderful Dog and last, of
course No No No, I Heart Radio. Thanks for the
auspice is. As always, I encourage I'll of you to
write a review till everyone you've ever met and right
to us at your name here at Alchemy, this dot com.
(54:12):
We so love hearing from you. And the latest UM
pot pourri of faces and caricatures that we've been reposting
on Instagram. The collection of us as looks like a
Renaissance troupe maybe or colis. And there's a lot of
really cool hidden little bits of art in the art. Yes,
so check that out on the Instagram page. And UM
(54:34):
and James's wonderful animated recreations. That's the nicest way you've
described its accurate. Yeah, did you see even this? His face?
Her character's face stored it slightly less massive. When I
showed my wife, she just like, what did you do
to her face? It's like, what are you talking about?
(54:55):
It's no different than any other one. She's like, she's
got two noses. And I ran into a wall and
just stayed that. So much more time making your character,
trying to make it the best. You always give me accessories,
and I guess I gotta take that. It's a lot
of love in each and every one of them, and
please never stop. Um. We encourage you to write that review.
It really helps out let everyone know about the show.
(55:17):
So until next time, y
Welcome back to alchemy. This is was Kevin Pollock? What's that? Yes?
That Kevin? No. I believe when you die you start
over and try to do it better. How else could
you explain how obvious it is to me when someone
is on their very first lifetime, right like Joey Grig
But I digressed them figuring alchemists in no particular order.
(00:25):
Please say hello to Craig Katkowski. If you were the
new James Bond, what would your signature greeting be as Bond? Uh?
I'm Kikowski, Craig, but your a c K O W
(00:46):
S K I. So, as James Bond, your first order
of business is to change your It's a great secret identity.
We know that James Bond is not a guy, right,
it's an agent at in my six it's a guy.
Here's that name interchangeably, right? But the agent's name is
double A Sudden. That's right, Break it up. I've never
(01:08):
seen one of those movies. Sorry for the extra long quiz.
Open your Heart is Vanessa raglan Venie. Do you prefer
savory or sweet savory? Yeah? All the way? Do you
have faves in the savory department? Right now? You said it.
I'm thinking of a mix of savory and sweet, but
peanut butter flavored non dairy ice cream salt on top
(01:32):
to please. I'm ready stop what you're doing. It's Joey Greer, Joey,
not the fat one. Uh. What's your favorite number and why? Nine? Why?
Because it's divisible by three and the trinity is um
(01:53):
the trinity is three three take large and then if
you if you can put three three were on top
of that? Six six six. Okay, thank you for that
appreciated last. But may you sleep like a baby, as
in up every two hours with poopy drivers diapers if
you think you please dripers. It's James Heeney, Jimmy Hafaheney.
(02:14):
What's your favorite card on the deck and why? I
like the Joker And I don't think I really need
to explain. I'm sure everybody here likes the Joker the best.
It's the funniest card and most interesting. Yeah, I think
you're prominent. Don't speak for us. I mean, come on,
you don't like the Joker the best? Like the Seven
of SPADs that's weird, that's a cute one. But that's
(02:34):
you have a favorite card. I think it would be
one of the queens, you know. Yeah, I gotta support
nine of hearts different when I jack Suicide King. Oh yeah,
it's actually pretty good. Yeah, those are a good good ones.
I mean, it's more than one favorite card, but I
(02:56):
think everyone wishes you would. I need to take suicide
and when I checked this, I can't have the scene
faure to club the worst I love as well as
the lowest possible card club mathematically speaking in the deck, Um,
(03:18):
I do love how James is either holy original or
I'll just do what that guy's doing. All right, our
first scene today. Remember all of our scenes are gathered
from our listeners emails. If you'd like to submit yours,
please write to us uh at your name here at
alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy
this dot com. Our first scene comes from Elena, who wrote,
(03:40):
Hey Alchemist. First off, I want to say that I
have survived my first job as an intern doing data
entry solely because of your podcast. Thank you for the
last as a scene suggestion. Yeah, welcome. I am meeting
my boyfriend's family for the first time tonight and I
am terrified. However, I think it would be hilarious if
you created that scene much love, Elena Hayne. It's what
(04:03):
time are you? And the boy is supposed to be
uh sitting down for dinner? Um, well we were going
to actually go out for dinner. I don't know that
we're ready to have him come here and now, well
fund is my honerwear I just I just don't feel
(04:26):
like I want him to do. Does he have you
told him pocket balls? Just hanging out? Where's have you
told him about your brother? I told him I'm an
only child, and I really like, yeah, Danny, Danny, I'm
talking to your Danny, Danny, Danny. I think he's playing Fortnite.
(04:47):
I just want to say I can't meditate, Joe and
I I asked you to help everything be smooth for
one hour. Dad. Dad is pressuring me to have my
boyfriend over for that's him over for dinner. Listen to
your mother? Are you really going to make me do this?
I'd love to meet this mystery man that's swept you
(05:07):
off your feet and gotten you to stop wearing your hair.
And are you calling him that because his name is Aladdin?
I wasn't okay because that seems a little racist. I wasn't.
I was calling him that because we've never met him. Okay,
and how is that racist? It's magical and mysterious because
his name is Aladdin, it's a popular Disney movie. There's
(05:29):
nothing more mainstream. You just prefer if you called him L.
I mean, we don't usually call him by his didn't
you ask about his magic carpet wife? I don't know
what you're trying to start right now, but you are
starting it. Okay, take it too, and see what you
can do with your son. I don't want to see
my son's cocking balls right now. Let's make that to listen.
(05:50):
When he gets here, I'm just probably going to go
out with L. You having him over for dinner, Mom,
don't make me, please. I have a salmon plate ready
to go, an extra salmon. I inherited him from the
luncheon today because he's near an ocean. You thought you'd
you are You are psychotic. What you're trying to do.
The way you're trying to spin this is crazy. The
(06:12):
Mediterranean is right there. Nothing is happening that he's saying
is happening. Unbelievable. We'll have him over for a peanut
butter and jelly good. That's gonna be weird. I'll put
the salmon out. We'll see who takes what. Yeah, why
don't you just say we're not you? I think he's
pulling up. Guys, just let me go out with I'm
(06:32):
staying here. We're not divorcing a kid. Look, I want
you to have a good time on this. Rate me
five stars. All right, you're gonna meet her, You're gonna
have a good time. The parents are gonna be great.
You're gonna do goody. Thanks man, I appreciate it. You welcome.
Just give me five stars. I always do. I hope
to get five stars. Better. Let me see you do it.
(06:53):
I mean, I will you know the rides over, you know,
let me see that open now you know, I'll pull over. Okay.
I think we got it in the ride. First ride, okay,
all right, yeah, and then I'm doing it so yeah, great,
I can take you so kind of ended up. Okay,
(07:15):
I think I gotta call you again then, right, I
gotta asked for a ride. Okay, let me pull over,
all right, okay, Oh I got it. It's a different ride.
Now somebody else is in the pick him up. Let
me pick him up. Oh I didn't want to pull
I don't want to pull either. No, no, no, no no,
just it's just you. I gotta drop him off. But
(07:36):
you're good. But why is someone else in the car.
Don't worry about it. He's just kidnapping. Oh that's not
a kidnapp thing. No, he's just dropping me off about
half a mile away from my destiny. I have to
go with. But I'm not getting a discount. Calm down,
I'm not freaking out. This is the first time I've
got to pull an asked for a pol don't at
(07:58):
the pool rate. Yeah, my name is Dana. I already
know I can come in. All right, Do you want
the writ or not? Because if you want to cancel it,
you gotta do it on your in. But doesn't that
affect my rating? I think it affects my passengers. Just
you might have to pay to cancel. You just come on.
It says it's too late to cancel. I have to
accept a feed. Come on, you want to come anywhere?
(08:19):
This is racketeering. I think it's not racketeering. Which way
are you going north? That's opposite direction. Yeah, we're going
about half a mile south and he's gonna drop me off.
This is this is a Laddin and so come on
and I'll take it. Okay, Fine, So he's gonna he's
gonna go on a date see his girlfriend's parents for
(08:41):
the first time. You've never seen them. How do you
know that? We were just talking about that, We were
just dawn about it. I said, I was gonna pick
up my girlfriend. You're gonna pick her up in this
uber and then you picked me. It doesn't matter what's
gonna happen. Oh my god, I think he's in the
car with somebody else. I'm supposed to be going out there.
There's a girl in that car. There's a woman in
(09:01):
that Carman, you bring him in here, you go out
to the car, you say, please come in a lad.
I'm incredibly embarrassed. I don't know what he's doing with another.
That girl is so gorgeous. I'm so sorry. Okay, I'm
gonna go. So sorry he brought a date. I don't think.
I don't think you understood the dynamic of the relationship.
(09:23):
Tell you, can you honk again? She's not coming out. Look,
I don't hunk A couple of times, many times. Lip glass.
You've got to put on lip glass. You have some
Absolutely I do. I'm a cosmetics rep here. Yeah, pretty lips.
Nice shame, thank you? Oh my god, what are you
doing with your fingers on my boyfriend's lips? Oh my gosh,
(09:47):
I've heard so much about you. I was sorry, Dina.
There's not enough salmon plates or peanut butter and jellies
for you, so you gotta ghost the more else. I
have to go a mile and a half north. Hey,
what's all this out here? Hi? I'm her father, you
(10:08):
must be allowed. I'm al Baba al h Hi, I'm
Gregory and I'm da. I don't know. We're just sharing
a ride. They're just sharing a ride. It's something weird.
Are you the driver? That's why you're behind the wheel. Okay,
they weren't kissing or anything. But do you want to
come in? When you say Mr bo like we were,
(10:29):
but we weren't, Mr Bobba, call me Mr Bobba? Just
al is Okay? How would you come into the house
and say hello? I know my wife would love to
meet just for a minute for dinner. Give me five stars,
all right? I will? I told you that just doing it? Okay,
we just get it in the ride, which I think
we'll also bump you off the road. I also see
(10:51):
this is what happened when I was picked up you did?
Is this the second time you've raided it? Yeah? So
just do you two want to come in for dinner? Also? No, no,
I gotta go salmon, salmon for Dana to come along. Dad,
she's mean. Okay, Well, how your girlfriend is me? Good luck? Good?
(11:13):
All right? Thanks? Man? Did you read me? Or no? Yes,
I did? Hold on, it's not come up on my phone.
Can we go and sign? Yeah? Okay, okay, bye? Out.
Do you work out? You know you're a pretty great change. Oh? Thanks, Yeah,
yeah I do. I work out, you know, part of
a gym. Joint gym. Welcome my wife, Rachel. Oh, Aladdin,
(11:36):
it's a pleasure to meet you. Just call him a
humble babe. This is what unexpected pleasure. Wasn't expecting to
meet you? Well tonight, Well, I happened into a salmon
plate and we've been dying to hear about this. Um
Eastern Middle Eastern mad mystery. Oh you did this to me?
(11:58):
You planted the seeds. What I'm doing? You needed my
health to be a racist? No, I'm not al Aladdin,
I am not a racist. Okay, I just drop it. Mom,
you're making it weird. I would love to offer you
some salmon for no reason. Salmon sounds great. Where the
(12:20):
salmon come from, Honey, I don't know the ocean. Don't
push me into this. Don't push Mediterranean to come from
the Mediterranean. It might have. I've got a lot of
tales to tell. Aladdin it's a weird name. We're all
going to move through. Not really, it's not where I
come from. There's a lot of Aladdin's in my family.
(12:40):
Actually where in the family. Well, we're delighted to have you.
I love the Disney I love the New Disney movie.
I love the Old Disney movie. And I love this guy.
It's baba that we say baba, I mean we say baba.
You threw me off. How do you spell that b a?
(13:01):
The traditional? Yeah? Alright, let's just all sit at the
table with drink. What do you have? What do you have? Like,
just gonna have justice tea, Justice tea. He can't drink.
He's not old enough to drink. He's not there. I'm two.
(13:21):
It sounds like, oh, mamam, alert is going I am eighteen.
It is not as big a gap between you and
down is our favorite drinking and that's working out so well,
isn't it. Where you come from, where I come from?
Huh um, where you come from? I wish you, wish
(13:43):
you can. Really, we're having a bit of a day.
How when I have plans later, So let's just have
this dinner and we're gonna do this and we're gonna
play games. So we haven't dinner. What. Oh, who's this? Nobody?
This is nobody to introduce your brother by saying nobody, brother,
I like to you said you're an only child. I
(14:04):
wish I was an only child. Why would you say that?
Because I know why you would say that. I don't
want them to meet specifically. We often say we only
have one up, thank you. I'm not the only one.
I'll come on. I want to say my toy collection,
your collection collection, Daniel, Is now the time for this? Yeah?
I think it is. Oh, you don't have to go, Oh,
(14:25):
you don't have to go. Enjoy the salmon. Would you
like a little sweet wine, a little dessert wine. That
sounds great, Okay, start with dessert wine. Yeah, that's what
you know. Why don't you bring a couple of your
toys to the table. That way doesn't have to go
to your bedroom. Why don't you not try to just
micromanage him, don't macro that's not helping Rachel. Yes, can
(14:45):
we not do this time? Why not do it? All? Right?
Let's do it in fact, al mr Baba, we'd like
you to be the judge and jury as Rachel and
I have a little debate about what it means to
raise I think that puts him in a very awkward position.
Comfortable about that? Yeah, Aladdin, you don't have to You
don't have to be the judge and jury for this.
(15:06):
Why don't I just see the toy collection? And I
think that's a great idea. Yeah, sure I would. I
would take that choice as well. You can go to
Stewart can I for the first time in your life?
I don't want that just got uninvited around. We are
still going out later, babe, right? I thank God? Like
the faster the better because this is embarrassing. Well why
(15:28):
is it embarrassing? Because you guys are arguing like you
should have been divorced to know. I would like to
take a moment to say what a luxury it is
that you feel like you're able to say this is embarrassing?
When I was your age. If I had tried to
tell my mother that something was embarrassing you, imagine what
she would have done to me. So this is this
is my flesh light and hold it. Okay, Um, so
(15:53):
that I know what a fleshlight is. So you you
have sex with this? M okay? So these are all
sex toys that that we're talking about. Then how how
old are you, Daniel? Okay, so it's kind of a
big gap between you and Michelle m twenty years. She's
(16:17):
kind of a mistake. Huh, I don't know. Okay, this one,
this is another flashlight. And these are all flashlights, different sizes.
M hm. Does some of them feel better than others? No,
part of world, wife, Why would you have more than
one fleshlight? This is a lego? Oh? Okay, so this
(16:41):
is a legitimate toy. This? Oh god? So if like
you've replaced your back up with a with a tiny
lego flesh light flight, but it's still a functional fleshlight.
What what do you do for a living? I make toys?
Oh so this, well, these aren't really legos? Are they
(17:01):
just like a knockoff brand you made yourself? She goes,
She goes, yeah, okay, so you like my sister. Huh yeah,
you're gonna get a pregnant mirror, get a pregnant then
marry her. Well I go not. I mean, I don't know.
This is a new relationship. You know, we're like a
month into this. I've always looking for a brother. Uh huh.
(17:24):
So if you're gonna be my brother, then we gotta
make some ground rules about what does that mean? Okay,
I'm really mind if I crashed the boys club. It
is too it's two heated down there, Stewart. And I'm
sorry to talk about your father in front of you,
but he is the worst. Oh what are what are
all those? These are my toys? You never seen this?
(17:46):
Actually I've never seen that one. Now those are not Aladdin's.
He didn't bring those. Does anyone want any of this dessert?
Right one? I would like a glass please, I don't
have a glass. Oh that's nuts. You brought all these
toys in here? What's going on here? Stewart? Get out
of here? Four long four flush leg Well now I'm
(18:10):
out of dessert wine. Fine, finally, thank goodness. Hey, let
me get in on that fleshlight which get in on it?
What's happening? Where's where's Rachel. I didn't know there's such
a collection was available room? Oh my god, what are
(18:31):
all of you doing in here? Are doing different things?
Bring the salmon in. We're not eating in his bedroom. Hisroom.
He's always making disgusting noises. I want to just leave. Baby.
Let's get in my carpet and get out of here. Okay,
let's wait. Did he say, did you make a carpet joke?
It's not a joke. It's not a joke. I have
(18:52):
a flying carpet. Okay, show what show them and they'll
be world looks like a regular rug. It does look
like a regular rug. But you just threw it out
the window. But the drink goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. Why couldn't
(19:14):
they have taken you? Scene too comes from Saba, who
wrote high Alchamiss, I've got an idea for a scene
A day in the life of Doug Baine and Raphael Prito.
I gotta say the show is solid gold. He did
(19:37):
write Doug Baine as in Bain the Batman. Yeah. Uh,
who's dr Injurer all basos bassos? Uh Saba Jadi from
New Mexico. Okay, Uh, Daniel he kisses? Is that kisses
(19:58):
bass be so could be the billionaire yet all right,
we're not checking to a day in life the baman Raffaelbrito, Hey, Rafael,
can I see in my office please? Yeah? Yeah, so listen.
I don't need a lot. I just need you to
(20:20):
mix the sound design into the podcast on a fairly
regular basis. I'm just here to make sure this doesn't
get out of hand. Thank you. I have a family, right,
uh you know I I have your so gung ho
in the beginning, so enthusiastic. I'd love to be a
part of this still am I still love it? Okay,
I just write just a couple episodes a week. It's
(20:42):
I understand. It doesn't seem like it's not just that
it's everyone screaming. Everyone Everyone's screaming. The levels are off constantly. Um,
well you mean the cast. Yeah, there's a very little
consistency in the sound of their voices. Yeah, okay, I
don't need you to worry about that. I just need
high playing the blame game. I do too. Let's stop
(21:03):
her playing the blame game, pointing fingers. I recorded, I
recorded all the time, and I don't think it sounds
stay in your office, does he seem like a little stroking. No,
you can't say that. You can't. You can't take it back. Okay,
(21:25):
it's offensive to take it back. I'm taking it back.
I met you look like you've had a mini stroke.
You don't elaborate. I have to be here. You are
a mine field. Gloria from HR sure to save the day.
I apologize to a more bad about the alchemy this time.
Oh he's drowning in his own hit. It sounds like
(21:47):
he's tying. Take that back, Raphael, take it back, it back,
I take it back. I've got a representative from my
Heart Media here. Well, yeah, that's the company you work
for it. I don't know if he works for it
so much? Do you take back a lot of taking back?
(22:10):
You can do TakeBack? Okay, then there's no more offense. Correct.
That's good to know. Within a time frame. Then right away?
Is there is it? Can I go or I have
a family? Raphael? Can I ask about the sound of horses?
Where are you getting it from? Right now? And then
you drop in clippity clop, And I want to know
what the hell. The reason these things take so long
(22:30):
is because I actually go out into the field and
record these sounds. What what are you doing there? Oh,
I'm sorry. I thought this was an open field. I'm
just trying to record these horses. Uh, I'm doing scare
my horses with that big mikey. Sorry, Mike looks like
a flesh light. It's not a flesh light, all right. Yeah,
I'm like to interest you in a flesh light. No, no, no,
(22:53):
I don't want to family. Um. So yeah, I'm sorry,
I just came over. I'm doing it a comedy podcast.
Comedy podcast. It's it's Can I ask what it's called? Yeah,
it's called alchemy. That never never heard sis, never heard
of alchemy. That alchemy. No, that's not what it's called
called alchemy, alchemy, alchemy, alchemy this. Yeah, I'm there's Doug.
(23:21):
Oh god, that's sounding. So you guys are a team
kind of her but kind of. Actually, he brings his
own recording studio with him. Member. He goes, anyway, I'm
started just try the horses. Hi. My name is Raphael Brido.
I'm I'm I'm a I'm a sound guy. Did you
get that? What are they doing here? Well, they were
(23:43):
cording the horses. Mother. Why are they recording the horses? Well,
apparently I guess there's no public domain sounds of horses
available on the internet, so these horses are public domain.
He's a rod domain. I know, my that was on me.
I thought it was a public right. I hate wave
a shotgun that a man who's clearly been hit by
a stroke. I'm fighting you take it back. You take
(24:07):
it back. I'm not taking nothing back. Hr thing. You
kind of have to take it back. Okay, Okay, we're
not with your company. Okay, a flashlight, Yeah, we sell
flashlights and we're all working farm. Okay. I'm surprising that
I Heart Radio hasn't taken you over yet. Okay, because
they're they're they're pretty big. If you haven't heard about it,
(24:28):
are they pretty big? Why they take us over? Well,
they would just you know, they would absorb you. They
absorb you, and then I don't want us to get son.
I don't want us to get him. These fellows doing
on the property, Daddy, Daddy, I'm talking to him. I'm
bare looking out here. A lot of noires come down
right now, You've woken up my father, who's much older
(24:49):
than I am. I gotta don't understand when you feel
don't crack, are you recording us. I am, but I
only you are a fancy shild big that, uh well
kind of. I do sound effects. I do sound design.
Your family? Who's clown boil? Were you this dark? Dark brief?
(25:11):
Why is he dripping? Why do you keep saying what
he's like? He's like a pokemon in that way. He
just can't help it. This is a typical day for
the two of you. Yeah, yeah, it actually is. It's
what are doing on the property day. We were just
trying to get horse sounds. Sorry about that, Well, well
we'll just horse sound for what for this podcast? Alchemy? This?
(25:32):
What does that mean? Oh? I've heard of that alchemy
that I know. I know that alchemy actually Craig at Cash, Yeah,
Jamie Jamie, Yeah, who's that, James James Jamie jan Yeah. Yeah.
We send in suggestions every week, but they haven't used
(25:54):
any of us to what's the last one you came
up with? The last one I came in with is
somebody who's trying to record a bunch of horses. Wait
a minute, we're living that right now. All right, Well,
I appreciate that, but we should we should did that
land with you? That my son's suggestion is being lived
(26:16):
out right. Now you understand what happened in there. Run
that happened to all the time. This is a very
typical day, honestly. Yeah, I give me some water. I
think you should put a headband around your job to
keep it up. Okay, hell, I really just wanted the
comedians to riff with it on the podcast. I didn't
(26:38):
expect you'd come to my home, you know, and re
enacted in real life. Here you go. Sometimes, why didn't
the comedians come? Where are the comedians? I don't know.
I don't know. You can't be one of the funny ones.
I'm not. I'm just wanting to do sound engineering. You
have a family, I help you have a family? I
make this what kind of family? The people family? What
(27:00):
kind of sounds that they might actually have a recording
of it? Just now and here me? That's it? So
that's like that's some Yeah, that sounded like goats, like
our goats trumping around recording. I got if it might
(27:27):
have been, it might have don't have a family, family,
I have a family. I don't think I got the gun. No, okay,
I got the gun. Honey, good over here. I'll just
get there, Doug. You just Doug baby Ruffhael Brito, Yes,
I can't be poshable. Somehow I didn't put that together
(27:50):
their names. Do you know us? Honey, you've done fan
out of these two fellers. Why don't you show up?
I've done fan out of you. Come with me to
the manure cave. Okay, follow me. It's a good track,
al right. Why why don't we just five hours later?
Here we are, take a whiff before we go in.
(28:12):
Oh girl, it's most bad. Now what we're gonna do
when we get in there? I've fashioned you out of manure.
I'm gonna take your word. This rifle says you stay boys,
Doug Bam, you're the taller one of the manure. When
(28:33):
I light it on fire, float it does a boom
boom to It's God, you're better without your eyebrows. Thank you.
Let's head back to the mainland. I'm sorry, but Raphael
(28:57):
thug a pest um. So we're not gonna be able
to to u alchemy this anymore. You were sent here
from my heart media, Yeah, is this a joke? You're
the representative what happened to the other guy from my
heart and you think this is funny? Did he get
fired to us. Yeah there was, and oh he probably
did get fired because of pranks Like this, dog and
(29:17):
Rafael are gone, we can still do the show. Yeah,
we'll just get another engineer another Yeah, that's not how
it works. It's not now a word. We're more replaceable
than those two. Yeah, so how about that scenario what
I relaxed, relaxed, I thought, just black, Paul, I'm sorry,
just come down. You are right. It's like James Bond. Yes,
(29:39):
I'm sorry, but we're gonna have everyone here is at
it's gonna have to actually wait, we're out of a job.
This is bought me my mansion. I'm sorry, we make
mansion money. If I have to default on mansion payments,
I don't know what I'm going to tell my staff. Well,
you're gonna have to tell him they got to go
home because you gotta leave the city. You signed my
fault that Rafael went to a fucking horse farm to
(29:59):
we're hord horse noise to do that rather than just
lifting horse, got a place called the manure cave. Don't
talk to Doug and know that he shouldn't be traveling.
Yeah right, let the guys appears, Okay, and that's just
how it is. So, so, what do you got for us?
You got replacements for this? Yeah? This is getting canceled, alright,
(30:22):
alright canceled. I'm canceling this thing, and I'm stripping it
for all the pieces that I need for something else.
All Right. We're actually gonna be using James for a
couple of the projects. God, thank you, James. One of
the other projects, he's going to be doing ad read
for flash lights. That's it. I don't know if that's
with my brand. Okay, James, let's try the first Dads
(30:46):
flashlight too, if you wouldn't mind. The copies are in
front of you. I just don't know. I feel like
this is every time you share these on Facebook. My mom,
my grandma are cry facing it? Okay, Well, how about
ask them not to do let me to do the
organ gasm noise is on his tack, or just find
him now? Well you know what, Let's try behind him
now when you're ready, James, Okay, counting down three to one.
(31:08):
Just when you thought there wasn't a thing to put
your penis in a fresh light. I'm sorry. I caught
it myself. I caught it myself. I was doing good work.
He said fresh Light. Yeah, I'm sorry if you wouldn't
do great, thank you. Yeah, that was spot on perfectly.
(31:30):
I'll get that. Are you sure? I mean maybe maybe
maybe we should Okay, whenever you count me down, I'm
not free to them. Just when you thought there wasn't
a place to put your penis, flesh Light, you put up.
I heard fresh Light. That's not true. And James, maybe
not so much. I got text when you're when you're
(31:51):
reading this and just just read the Can you look
at the copy instead of us? I guess, But I
really feel like I need to connect to somebody, and
this is just connect to me. I'm right here. Why
you think you're having a conversation about the flesh line, Well,
that's I've always approached advertisement is a conversation with the viewer. Start.
Oh my god, I know he's now he's got you.
(32:11):
You're going through the roof with these flesh like commercials.
People who love up. We wanted to bring you a tour.
We want to bring you to a squirt con. Alright,
I just don't know if I really that's not what
I was dreaming of, Like I really wanted to brand. Right,
you know, you're making how much money, now, thousands of
dollars a month, and we can bump that up to
maybe you know whatever. So look, how much like a
(32:32):
hundred more, a hundred thousands or thousand, one hundred dollars
a hundred dollars more. All right, now, look, we're gonna
bring you a squirkun We're gonna said Joe good, we
got a booth gunner, squirt, Squirt, let's sen it up. Okay,
I'm sorry, it's good. Happen soon in the next couple
of minutes. Squirt, Mr Heeney, I can't. I'm actually meeting you. Mean,
my brother and I barely got in a squirt conn
(32:53):
and I just wanted to say, one of your biggest fans,
can you sign this for me? Please? Oh that's dirty.
Well it's a funk. I'm sorry, Hold on one second, um,
can you just sign it? Alright? Alright, I'll sign it.
I can't believe you brought him here. The red I'm
gonna triump it. It's just me ring. This is really gross.
(33:16):
I'm sorry. Let me wipe it on. Thank you, I'm
moving on, moving on, moving on. Sorry, do you think
we could get some of the alchemy? This guy's back
to maybe help me with this. Um, yeah, what do
you mean? I don't know. I just feel like it's
a lot to have one guy signing all these flashlights.
So you want to split that thousand dollars that there's
(33:38):
the extra hundred. I'll see what I canna do. It's
gonna take a second there. It's gonna be some kind
of mont Pelage moment of getting the crew back together.
Thank you? Hey, what what do you? What are you
ahead of this weekend? Kevin, I was wondering if you
wanted to take a trip to Vegas. Sorry, but I
love Vegas. I thought so. I figured, so go you
got like a jet or something. No, we're gonna be
(33:59):
dry thing. Oh that's right, that's what you need to ride. Yeah,
oh you're asking could drive if you don't mind, it's
not I don't because you love Vegas, right I do.
And one of the nights we have this awesome show
to go to me. No, I work on motorcycles, map,
but the whole life behind me. There's a lot of money.
Nothing you can do to convince me and telling me
(34:21):
it's it's my old life. This is me now. These
motorcycles are nice, but they're just electric gas powered bicycles.
When you really look at exactly, don't you feel like
should you say something about money? I did? I think
you should get the game back? Taylor, Taylor, come on, buddy,
running the first Joey James, what's upright? Five? Okay, y kids? Change,
(34:48):
how you've really changed? Yeah? Yeah? I um, I found
the Trinity and everything just been kind of a you
know it? Wow? Um? So I got this new gig
going on with you know I heart radio. Oh yeah,
I don't know if I'll go back to that again. Man,
Old Joey Eats has come. Yeah, those days are gone.
Mary normal food. Now I'm working Hawking flashlights, Joey plush lights.
(35:12):
I already got Kevin in Vanessa in there coming to
the cons work. Con Can I get a dry Martini? Shakings?
You have to pay? I'm Craig accows King. Yeah, oh
Mr Kcowns. Give me have your table, Thank you very much.
No phones in the dining I'm okay. You's been avoiding
(35:33):
my are you? I'm James Keeney. We used to do
a show together, Alchemy. This ms to Kukawski. It's so
good to see again. It's been since Berlin. Yes, the
lady swim. I'm sorry for interrupting whatever is happening here.
That's a lot tax thank you very much, very orange,
(35:54):
It is very orange. My time is precious. Je I'm sorry.
Let me cut right to the chase hard if you interrupting,
genuine Mr Kakowski. The lamb sleeps by the river. Oh
well that you need to wake him up. What is
your listen? I'm sorry, Mr Hooney. I'm sure it's an
(36:16):
important time for you as well. But this agent and
I need to communicate. It's a matter of national security. Yes,
I need a agent. Whatever this is about, it's about
flesh of national security. Okay. So what is Craig coming
or not? I think he's going to be here. I
(36:38):
like my shop for this. I mean, it wouldn't be
the same without Craig. So why is Craig not in
the car? We're halfway there. Well, I guess is he's
probably trying to talk Chris Elvarado into come and picking
them up somewhere. It's a long drive to Vegas. I
just assumed that you get Hey, guy can speak Chris Alvarado.
(37:00):
What's up? Okay? I came back for Doug Babes's funeral,
and uh, just you're sticking around. Yeah, yeah, that's nice,
come to squirt, come with us. I thought it was
comic book convention, Yeah, James, I'm sorry, Kevin. This is
a convention to flashlights, you know, the masterbathing tool. Oh, yes,
(37:22):
of course. And I'm sure Chris is in right. Absolutely.
What's the con part convention? Convention? Okay, you're all saying
convention a lot. I still don't understand how I'm being
con Oh that's it's different. Convention is where a group
of people with a similar um what would you say group?
It's a group of people who have a similar interest
(37:43):
in objects such as like comic books, movies. So a
lot of views, flash lights, a lot of people like you.
What do you mean? I mean you'll feel comfortable there?
And this took us down once. Why we're all going
with you? Um, well, it's just would be a lot easier.
I signed a lot of if you're aware though, don't
raise your hand. Wait, and we lost them that day,
(38:22):
believe it or not. We've come to our last scene
of today's show. This one is from Haven h A V. E. N. Haven,
who wrote how do Alchemists? Thanks? For Thanks to everyone
for putting together such a hilarious podcast. Admittedly I first
thought the show was going to suck and stayed away,
but after consistently hearing Kevin's ads on various other I
(38:43):
Heart radio podcast I figured I would give it a shot.
Now Here I am months later, Alchemy, this is one
of my favorite podcasts, and I'm writing an email to
kiss your asses and ask for forgiveness. My yeah, right,
let's see, let's go around real quick. Forgiveness everyone forgiven, forgive,
forgiven for the thing I didn't know about until ten
seconds There was a review, because you can be a favorite,
(39:04):
like if you review it, then you're forgiving. I think
that's a good point. Haven go into however, you get
your podcasts and go to the review section and make
sure you give us a good one. Please. That will
be the askis portion of the show. And then forgiveness
is yours, not back to your letter. My idea for
a scene is as follows. A new hire is shadowing
a veteran employee at a local sex shop. Well, that
(39:25):
combines all done and who knew that any of the
previous uh internews would get us into all these areas?
Best regards, Haven from Toronto. Ps. The Dynasty tirewriters really
fucking far from my house. So if you guys should
do a show up here in Ontario, please bring the
popcorn machine so I can see what all the fuss
(39:46):
is about. I love you. You got it this corn?
He did your way Haven, Haven from Toronto. Hey new guy? Uh,
it says on the resume here you you did some
spots for flush lights? Is that right? I did? I've
been trying to It went down really bad? How so well?
(40:10):
I used to be a podcast star with Rent Control
in l A Wow, so you were the one, and
then I took a solo gigs selling flush lights. Sounds
like a dream job, but half the time you're wiping.
Come off and try and get your signature to stand
on some silicone. So I'm trained for this job, right, Well, listen,
(40:30):
we uh we're all out of flashlights. We got outfits,
we got paraphernalia. Is anyone helping you? Yeah? Can I
tell you what? Why don't you take the first customer?
I don't even know what we have here. See how
it goes. I'm sorry, I'm having a hins night from
my friends hands night, Hins not oh Okay, that makes sense. Okay,
(40:59):
in star, I need some fun stuff. Mostly I'll suppose
shape back penises. Um great, open to suggestions, obviously, when
you keep it classy, class it's a bachelorette night, it's
hands to night, it's hands night, the same as bachelorette. Yeah, okay, cool.
Well let's let's let's work on the similarity between the
(41:19):
word hands and hands and we'll make it a handsy
hands night. No are you? Are you sure? Because there's
a lot I haven't looked at the inventory, but my
guess is there's a lot of hands and tools here
that would hear what you hear. And I don't want
to do a weird thing about the way you're hearing.
Might I've always been the new theme to this party?
(41:41):
Or not? Sorry? I think it could be anybody's voice
to think hands and hands sounds similar. It's not. I'm
not making fun of your accent. I'm sorry, miss Can
you excuse me? M this moment? I think I may
have what you need for your hands night. Let me
just have a word real quick. James, Sorry, James, Yeah, James,
I why don't you have a birthday party that's you? James?
(42:03):
And and also a great Dane. Because it sounds so similar,
everyone will love it. Not even in your language. Is
that similar that come across bad James. It's it's it's
not surprising to me that you haven't been able to
keep any of these positions, be to podcast or someone
selling their wares at a con, based on your attitude
(42:25):
and the way you interact with coming off a little
dismissive mental, Let's try it with this. Let's see if
things go a little better. I'll follow me this way
and I'll help me. I should be able to help you. Yeah,
I want to sell these DVDs. Oh, we don't actually
(42:47):
buy back any DVDs. No, there's I didn't buy the
vi These are of me, These are a you. Yeah,
these are home movies I made. Let me pop one
into the disc tray. Who wants a little mandaise sandwich?
Little mannaise sandwich. Oh, I'm gonna make a sale. It's
just out of maonnaise? All right, I think I've seen enough.
(43:09):
Are all of these just solo videos? Or is there
some character work, relationship stuff? Well, I think if you watched,
I mean they're good. You just watched a little bit.
You don't even know what it's about. Well, I get it.
It's just you doing a one man show. Yeah you know, yeah,
but do you want Well, I'll tell you what. I'm
not in charge of buying and selling here, but I
(43:32):
charge of the registers. It isn't I'll tell you what.
How much do you think this is worth about? Well,
you're not getting that. Sorry, done, deal, you're not getting
any of that. Ill tell you what negotiated? All right.
I'll give you twenty bucks for one of these tvts
deal all right? Great? And then what about the other four?
I would say, you go back home, you get somebody
(43:54):
to do some scenes with you, and bring something with
grownded relationships back and will. I'm getting notes from the
guy who's working at the freak shop. It's not a
freak shop. This is an adult it's a freak shop.
These are basically medical devices. Sick. You're sick, all right,
Donna Bell please? Uh, Tommy, Yeah, I need uh, I
(44:14):
need some sort of emotion from your character. You keep
saying that and I keep giving you. Okay, maybe we
should re uh discuss what what I'm looking for in
terms of what that emotion should be. Okay, your dog
has just passed away. Right, you're trying to make a
mannaise sandwich. I know what your action is, yeah, but
(44:36):
I need you to feel some sort of emotions for
the fact that your dog just died. Wow. Making the
mannaise give from television city, right, yes, okay, so you
know how this works, right? I do. Okay, great, So
then why don't you do your side and I'll make
the man sandwich. Al right, So I'm not seeing anything
in your eyes, swich, I keep them closed. I close
my eye, it's right, and I need him open filled
(44:57):
with some story you're telling. Right, all right, we'll try
something straight another to take roll slap. Okay, when you're
ready to take your own action. I want a manaise sandwich.
I gotta make this bandaise sandwich. I want of his mayonnaise.
I'm gonna put all this mayonnaise of this bread. Read
here go, my god, this is so much bread. There's
(45:18):
too much bread out of this bandaise sandwich. I mean
if it takes up his bread off and put you
the more mayonnaise on there, my dog died. Uh my
best man said, which you good? Tastes so good. I'm
gonna eat the old thing. Up, and then I'm gonna
after what I've done eating the man they say, which
is I'm hungry and never eat another Mandai's sandwich, and
then I'll push the more. Yeah. I really liked what
you did with this one. I feel like the character
(45:38):
is coming through, but what I don't see his relationship.
I need somebody else serious, I'm serious. I already got
in trouble for giving twenty dollars out of the register
once but not Did you make back of the DVD? Well,
I've still got it. I've kept it for me. Pat
Man hated it up. Do you have any more? Too many?
Sandwich guy? Hello? Hello? Believe it? This guy? Who? This
(46:04):
is hopcord Man? Please tell me came to bring some
more movies? I would I would rend as many as
you go. You're a fan, right, That's why I'm here,
and you want things to be as good as they
can get. Right. I need your autograph. I don't know
what you're talking about. Can you sign something for me? Uh?
This Man Sandwich DVD? Yeah? I bought it and I
(46:26):
was gonna hope to trade it in, but now I'll
keep it. Can I get another one from me? A
couple more? You have more. I mean, I haven't even
reproduced this tv D yet, so i'd be selling my
only copy. Oh but here you have been making anymore soon? Yeah?
Maybe I could come to the set where you're working.
It would be great. I do anything to see you work,
That would be great, Mr Mannaise Man. So I'll just
show him around and just give him the whole tourment,
(46:49):
all right, I can't believe him here. Okay, well this
is where we shoot, this is where's the body keep
the mannaise. Well, we can't show you that right away.
About the bread because he's always talking about badly, but
a finite amount of bread and man, you know, he
goes through it pretty quick. Yeah, I bet he does.
(47:09):
I would bet he does. So you're a big fan
hunt Oh yeah, yeah, me and all my friends at school. Yeah,
I gotta turned everybody onto the man. He's really yeah. Yeah.
Because it's such a specific fetish, the odds that you know,
you and your entire group of friends would all be
into it. Oh we're into it, all right. That's great,
and I don't judge. You're not wrong. It's very unique
(47:31):
and I think that's what we'd get out of it,
you know, have seen nothing like it before. Where do
you want me to put this dog corpse? Um? I
think right over there in the corner is but the
other one, yes, well, the dog corps that should be together.
What's that? She like a set this? Uh? Yeah, she's
since in charge of props props props right right right,
so she would know where the bread is. I could
(47:53):
ask her, we're not going to show you the bread, kid,
you know, okay, fella can wish like if I had
a dollar for every kid who visited the set and
wanted to fund the bread, how many dollars you have
a lot of dogs. I just hate to be this person,
but these corpses aren't going to keep. We got to
two dog corpses on set. We need to get our
(48:14):
guy in here. We need to get that bread ready,
and we need to roll. Look, man, I'm sorry, I
don't how many more dog corpses you need? But I
don't get that many? All right? I need another one? Well,
I mean, look, it needs to look like it was
loved recently. You're showing me all these main gas dog corpses.
We need one that looks like a loved pet. Then
you know you gotta pay more I have to weep
(48:34):
over this dog. You gotta pay more? How much more?
I mean hundreds of dollars more, hundreds of dollars more
for a dead dog. You need to do some personal reflection.
You've got a truck full of dead dogs. Yeah, and
I can dump this anywhere I want, Yeah, dump them
on my lot. You gotta I have to pay for
(48:55):
these corpses. What's wrong with you? What? What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with you? Got beautiful eyes? Thank you, thank you?
Look at it. I don't don't care how much how
tough it was to acquire these dog corpses. Okay, that's
a collie you're looking at. I know I can see
it looks like lassie. It's exactly like a male dog.
By the way, I know everyone knows that story looks
(49:19):
like some people saying, you know, cilantro doesn't taste good
to everyone. Okay, Okay, you saw the call sheet right
The morning is all manase sandwich and the afternoon is
dog corpse. So well, then I'm gonna have to take
the mayonnaise out of the fridge, the real mannaise, and
put the dogs in. Look whatever, Okay, open the fridge,
(49:41):
because if he opens that fridge, thinking there's mayonnaise and
the order of the shots at stop, shoot anything. You know,
our star is probably in his dressing room getting ready.
I can get the dogs shoved in there in two minutes. Okay,
why she's doing the dogs? Can we go meet the
mayonnaise man? Sure you met him, man, but I mean
(50:06):
see him. I'm so nervous. Okay, yeah, alright, I haven't
seen him at knock knock. Hello, Hey, I got I
got somebody here. I got it's Timmy, Mr Manai's who's there?
It's that Chuck I got. I got a kid named Timmy.
Come on? Who Mr mannis? Man? Hello? Oh wow? This
(50:29):
is your trailer. What do they call this like a
single because it's kind of small? Yeah, I expected a
little bit bigger. Yeah we can do you know. Yeah?
I got some mermonnaise. Yeah, we got jugs around there.
If you want to dip your hands, don't let him
dip in. We gotta use those us. I saw the set.
I saw the set in this Lady brunon Doug Corpses.
(50:52):
What's the scene about? Well, my dog died, right, and
then I gotta cry about it, and then I gotta
eat this manise sandwich. Okay, so you make the mayonnaise
stand right there in the spot, right and then you
eat it. You eat your own man. He said, So
that man is looking at what we're gonna We're gonna
roll in about ten so you know whatever, you know,
(51:14):
we're gonna start rolling. We're just start rolling in ten minutes. Okay.
So I think he was right. I think we're gonna
get out of here. Oh the manes man. I thought
since Marvin mq have, I hoped the character would come
back manas man. I never knew what was a double
(51:35):
on tongue. Yeah, in my mind, it was a man.
It was the cleanest, dirtiest, filthiest thing that ever happened.
That's our should. Let's thank all of our alchemists. But
that's a raggling so excited uh to uh to welcome
you back each and every damn time. But you have
this whole theater light that's going on night to go
(51:58):
to the downashy type of our theater for the calendar
the upcoming events. It's such an exciting place, perfect in
Los Angeles. Check it out Dannasy typewriter dot com or
on Instagram Dannasy typewriter. We got a lot of fun
shows are about to be announcing, and I'd love you
to come. And now we have dark chocolate chips you
can put on top of your Yeah, we've had candy,
but we just added the dark chocos. She has in
(52:18):
fact sweeten sweetened the pod. K Kakowski. Yeah, at Kakowski
on Twitter and keep watching Drunk History. Season six is
area right now on Comedy Central. Great show, great season,
and thank you for it. Yeah, Joey Gray July one, Yes,
(52:44):
throw that at me. Okay, you can't see that. That
was an attack. That was like he became and apparently
I just hold that birth for about seven minutes one
seven pm at Westside Comedy Theater. I'll pemy this a
live love you, James Heeney, will you be there the one?
(53:04):
And I'm also there every second and fourth Wednesday doing
the show for with Bear Supply, wonderful Bear Supply and
let's thank our engineer to the stars, dog Bam here
part of the show was it yesterday or today? It
seems like a week ago. But man, oh man, you
you what did how far did you dig deep to
(53:26):
come up with your version of what Doug bam would
sound well, I just happened to have the opportunity. I
had already been practicing doing dog beams right because the
audience listening probably has no idea what he actually sounds like.
And now they think they do because of what you
know they do, because yeah, and what are we creation?
It was Raphael Brito, our sound design broducer, So happy
(53:51):
Soman our producer. Where was Sophie today? With ms Her
and h Anderson Cooper the Wonderful Dog and last, of
course No No No, I Heart Radio. Thanks for the
auspice is. As always, I encourage I'll of you to
write a review till everyone you've ever met and right
to us at your name here at Alchemy, this dot com.
(54:12):
We so love hearing from you. And the latest UM
pot pourri of faces and caricatures that we've been reposting
on Instagram. The collection of us as looks like a
Renaissance troupe maybe or colis. And there's a lot of
really cool hidden little bits of art in the art. Yes,
so check that out on the Instagram page. And UM
(54:34):
and James's wonderful animated recreations. That's the nicest way you've
described its accurate. Yeah, did you see even this? His face?
Her character's face stored it slightly less massive. When I
showed my wife, she just like, what did you do
to her face? It's like, what are you talking about?
(54:55):
It's no different than any other one. She's like, she's
got two noses. And I ran into a wall and
just stayed that. So much more time making your character,
trying to make it the best. You always give me accessories,
and I guess I gotta take that. It's a lot
of love in each and every one of them, and
please never stop. Um. We encourage you to write that review.
It really helps out let everyone know about the show.
(55:17):
So until next time, y
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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