February 9, 2021 • 41 mins
Megaphones are regulated like guns
characters in a choose-your-own-adventure book become frustrated with an indecisive reader
delusional parents certain their youth sports kids are going pro
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy, this COVID nine
one edition. I'm your host, Cool Stratton inform Mr Kevin Palk.
Let's meet an alchemist. Shall we, in no particular order,
say hello to Craig Kowski. Craig they they say you
learn things through time. If you could say anything for
the fifteen year old Joey, what would you say? Uh?
(00:26):
Improv is not your thing. It's it's a time suck.
It's a cult like get out now. You know, maybe
dabble a little in high school, but I think don't
go beyond that. What would you recommend I do? Just
it's just not improv, it's just not your think. Great,
(00:49):
all right, please welcome back. Mr James Heney Heny. Uh.
When you were a kid, what was like the one
arcade game you couldn't get enough of it. You'd go
down to the arcade and pump quarters into It was
a game called blood Storm, and it was very similar
to Mortal Kombat, except in addition to like, you could
rip somebody's arm off and they would have to continue
(01:10):
the fight. I don't remember if you could pick that
arm up and beat them with it, but it was
certainly like the bloodier version of Mortal Kombat. But Mortal
Kombat was a close I used to go to. I
used to go and I would like put my quarters
down in play as long as I could, And if
I could trick some old fool into putting into myright code,
(01:31):
you could put in code so somebody would start with
like quarter health. That was like my dream come true
when somebody fell for the remember like the whole etiquette
of putting a quarter on the machine, basically claiming it
like I'm next fucker. What I feel bad. It's it's
so much cheaper to play video games at home and
compete internationally from your couch, but there is a loss
(01:52):
of that feeling at the arcade. Yeah, I agree. Guys.
Look over there, it's Chris Alvarado chra. If you could
eat one thing that's like terrible for you, but from
now on it's healthy. What would that be? This right here?
Nicotine gum? You're gonna eat that. I wish I got
(02:13):
swallow it, but it's unhealthy to swallow gum, So yeah,
I probably nicotine gum, all right, kind of what I
was expecting. He's welcome, Jackie d Ruthie. Jackie, did you
have a favorite board game growing up, I loved all
board games, Real of Real Fiend, but I'd have to
say Cranium. I liked the mixed medium of it. Cranium
(02:38):
is funny to me because like performers are like this
is easy, and then non performers like it was thrown away.
They have a great game that's called hoop La and
it's the best parts of Cranium, but there's no board
and instead of working against people, you're all working with
each other against the clock. And I like that. I like,
you know, we don't need I hate risk, we don't
(03:02):
need to become enemies while trying to play a game.
Sometimes you have to fortify Australia. We all know that.
We've all been there playing nuclear Risk and then it's
really dangerous. But we almost had time to play risk
in our setup today. Last, but not least, it's Mr
Joey Graare. Joey Uh, you're super in the know. What's
(03:24):
some hot stock tips you can give us? Oh wow,
if you're on Wall Street bets, let me tell you
right now. I know a lot of people looked at
game Stop and AMC. We saw their stocks surge recently
and that was just through uh independent trading and communication online. Right,
so a lot of people bet that they were out
based on like you know, people aren't going to go
into those stores to buy their products. But actually the
(03:46):
insider tip I got right now something I've been looking
at a lot, and I really want people to take. Yeah, yeah,
some somebody really want invest in right now corn feet,
corn feet. So it looks like Elon musk Tesla and
always with the Amazon Jeff Pizos are looking to develop
corn Feet. That's just ceft on the stock exchange. Yeah,
(04:11):
so just if you see corn feed by it right now,
the stock is probably about six. That's, of course Joey's
beloved character and the guy who takes a ship while
giving stock tips. All right, let's do a damn show, Shelley.
All of our scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
(04:31):
or from our Patreon v I p s To become
a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
and other perks, just head on over to patreon dot
com slash alchemy This. If you'd like to submit a
scene suggestion via email, please write to the podcast at
your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your
name here, at Alchemy. This just seen one comes from Catherine,
(04:55):
who wrote, Hello, Hello, you guys are all great and whatnot. Honestly,
when I first started listening to your podcast, I definitely
was not expecting it to be a long term relationship,
and yet here we are, and here I am writing
to you my sence suggestion. I live in d C,
which means that I am constantly victim to the loud
opinions of anyone and everyone who wields a megaphone. Seriously,
(05:17):
there should be some sort of review process or license
requirement before you are allowed to own one, which brings
me to my suggestion, a world where megaphones are treated
with the same stigma and regulations as guns or other weapons.
Thanks for the laughs. KP from Days DC. Welcome to Walmart.
How can I help you? I'm looking for the projection area. Yeah,
(05:41):
that's just gonna be to the left, but then also
a right, and then you're gonna want to take to
the double doors, and it's gonna in and out of
Walmart all goddamnd and so sorry, sir, it's actually against
policy for me to walk with you. God forbid, I
try to make a pass at you or something like that,
So I like, you get me a mail escort to
(06:03):
bring me to the projection area. Actually, they can to
make a pass at you. So we stand in our
allocated circles and we just point to you, and I
can point to you to the next person who could
point to you a little closer, and we can go
down the line like that. But it's just like a
new rules here. Okay, great, So I'm gonna need you
to go again to the right and then to the
left and then to the double doors, and it's gonna
(06:24):
go like I need to have like some sort of
shuttle relay reason to get there, because I don't want
to spend another hour and a half in a Walmart
where I have to just walk out because I don't
understands here. I hear you say you're looking for a
male escort dollars from me to say the night. Uh
what about just a day rate? Oh day rate? Uh
(06:47):
of four or fifty bus tips? What you're not gonna pay?
You're not gonna pay my guy. You pay my fucking
guy out right, pimp piece of ship? You like you
like what you see here, don't. I just have to
be clear they are not employed by Walmart. They have
nothing to do with Walmart or what we believe here
(07:07):
at the understand with Sam's Club, Sam's Club. Well, Jones,
I gotta say, are very happy to have you be
part of the family. Um, you know, I never had
a son, as you know, I have three daughters. You're
marrying one of them. But you know you're one of us. Now,
you're one of us. Now have a seat, Have a seat.
(07:28):
I don't want to take up too much of your time.
I have a seat. He likes the cars. He likes
the cars. I don't really Yeah, sure, sure, clip that
for you, gotta clip that. Yeah, write that up real quick,
you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, that means you know it's good.
(07:48):
It's good, it's good. So a couple of things, A
couple of quick things. Um, look, one day this house
will probably yours. I'll be honest, okay, and I keep
that in mind. That's why I keep it up. So
got new oak floors, the new h fact system that's
gonna be yours, and that's got a thirty year warranty.
So that's someone here by the way. Um, so just
(08:09):
one more thing I gotta show you there, Jones. Um,
you sit right there, you're probably wondering what this bay
door is doing in the garage. Right, You're like, what's
what's behind that big door? Right? I was wondering a
little bit. Yeah all right, let me just open this
up for a quick kick. Holy ship. Yeah wow, that
is quite a stockpile. I'm talking. We got twelve volts,
(08:32):
twenty four volts. I even got one over here, hundred
thirty six volts. That's that's how megaphones are. Yeah yeah,
that's how the rated by voltage. Yeah, so, um are
the higher volter ones louder or louder? They also make
their noises. You got siren, you got loud beeps. Really
(08:56):
open a in a megaphone household that? Okay, that's okay,
you're part of this. We're not big first people. Yeah,
well Jones, you know, things change, right, people's people's opinions change.
You ever you ever held one of these before? Oh? No,
thank you? Oh my god, I can't believe champagne. We're
(09:17):
just celebrating when now from the engagement, Jones is so exciting.
You need to help me, You need to help me.
I don't have a wedding hashtag yet. Think of something clever, Jones.
And someone told Marie. I told dad you could come
with us for a bit. Now you have to leave.
This is Jones in my engagement. I'm in charge of
doing the wedding hashtag. That's like the one thing that
(09:38):
she told me to do. I don't know. I don't
fucking know. Hone in on Jones and somebody. Can we
just get discuss the wedding clouds and then maybe Marie
could leave. Put down the megaphone. Good you look at you?
I fuck? This is this is classic Bromary wants to
(10:01):
take away everyone's a megaphone. You're thick, please, it's why
does everyone Everyone doesn't need to have a megaphone. If
no one had a megaphone, then no one would need
a megaphone. George Washington had a megaphone when he crossed
the Delaware. If he didn't have that, where will we
be as Americans? I don't think I don't think that's
for four d and fifty dollars. I thought that you
(10:23):
would know a little bit about megaphones. I'm not helping me.
I know some about megaphones, but you know not a lot.
You know, I I haven't. My mom was super like
not in the megaphone so I never had one. But
one time I went over to my my friend Joey's
house and he had He had a lot of megaphones,
so we would play around with them, but I was dangerous.
(10:43):
You know, exactly is your expertise in the geek squad?
On the geek Squad, I'm the guy that just tells
you to reboot. Oh well, alright, buck, I see you.
You got a Walmart shopping bag there. You come to
me on the day of my daughter's wedding. Imagine you
(11:05):
have a gift for me. Maybe you wouldn't need something
from me as well. What's what's in the bed? Well, um,
I believe it to be something that you could add
to your collection. I've heard his legendary but never been
personally shown. I didn't have a chance to wrap up.
(11:25):
I'm gonna be honest. I don't love your son. I
don't love Jones. Okay. I mean he's gotta he's a
good enough kid, but I don't love the guy. Okay.
So this is what we're doing right here. This is
gonna go a long way either for or against the
way I feel about Jones. You understand, well, you've treated
him so nice. I didn't for my baby girl. Oh well,
(11:45):
I mean my son is a gentleman. He's smarter than well,
he's smarter than his educational record would say. Should really
opened the stubble bag of Walmart. There it is. I
I couldn't find anything about voltage or wattage. But how
much did you pay for this thing? Well? It was
(12:07):
I'm not gonna lie. It was an open box item,
but that wasn't why it was. All right, everyone settled
down and everyone's filled out their forms. That's good, all right,
So everyone who's here today to get a permit to
open carry a megaphone? All right, so let's just go
over the group. Yeah, let's just go over the grounds
(12:28):
right here. It is a state by state laws we
all know, okay, so please know any body laws within
each state if you're allowed open cart as well as okay,
all right? Uh can the two people in back making
that campfire and looks like they're mining, can you stop
for a second. I'm just okay. So, um, so what
(12:50):
we got here? I want to make sure we go
by our state and city laws. Why we use the
megaphone that's in your hand, because I believe in megaphone
safety and if anyone's gonna pull out a megaphone and
start using it, I don't think you're ready. Don't want
to make a phone. A magaphone is only supposed to
be Excuse me, where's the bathroom? Shake it down? Down
(13:12):
the megaphone down now, Jim, it's been brought to my
attention that the class had some issues last night. Is
that correct? Yeah, for sure, had some isssues. Yeah, some
people didn't know how to use a megaphone. And now
you're in charge of the people in that room. Is
that correct? Yeah. Look, I don't know why I'm getting
(13:33):
a third degree for people not knowing how to use
it at the beginning of class. I'm teaching a class
year they didn't pass. People were hurt yesterday, Jim Marcy,
I know that. Okay, I got a guy's ear drum
blown out. Do you think this is a joke? No,
of course, I think megaphone here in my eyes? Please,
I like looking at your nose. Is that a problem?
(13:54):
It feels weird to me, sir. You can't bring this
on the airplane. You just can't. It's clearly stated there
that no megaphones are a lot on board. I mean
it's pretty obvious. Okay, sir, please can you get behind me?
I got this all right. Neither of you can bring
your megaphones on the plane. All right. It's sealed so
(14:14):
you couldn't check me anyways for it. They have no
reason to check my body, gone through security, and security
let you through with the megaphone. Oh well, I'm here
all right. Next uh and just so you know we
have homeland Security has no reason to check your body,
all right, no reason? Uh huh. Okay, now just step
(14:38):
into this ice ball. What's that over there? What's that
over there? Where are you pointing? We can look behind you?
Oh my god? Okay, what about hashtag jonesing to get married?
Or does that completely leave out some Will you just
(15:00):
give me a second. I don't know where Jones is.
He's gonna answer my calls you to give. It's just
the only job, so I really need to get it done.
A coup Jones. You're a goddamn cop. I'm sorry I
had to find out this way, all right. What do
(15:20):
you want for me? Ah? Look, we've will for two years.
Do you even love my dad? Do you even love
my daughter? Which one is she? Again? The one you're
supposed to marry or is that also an undercover operation? Dad.
I'm here for you, Dad, I'm here for you. I've
(15:41):
got your back, Dad, I've got your back. Get away, Jones. Now, earlier,
when I said I only had three daughters, I failed
to mention I have one bad motherfucking son. Come on out, Darry,
Come on out, Darry. That's right, that's right to adopted.
(16:01):
So he never counts me, but I count. So what
do you want to do? Job? Kid? You can put
cheers off first, Dad, Darry? June's what's going on? Someone?
Put put your airphones on. I don't know what's going on.
What's going on? Put your airphones on. I've got a
hundred and twenty megaphone. It's gonna burst your ear drums.
(16:26):
Oh d shit, you think that's a lot. Mine's three
seventy four. It is illegal. My whole goddamn stoppiles illegal.
Now someone's gonna get hurt here, Okay? Is that what
we want? Jones? Is that what you want? Look, we
(16:46):
know that you got all these megaphones and megaphone shows
where they don't have to be regulated. What's the problem
with that? The problem is that that it's under the table.
I'm trying to protect my family, Jones, and I was,
I was going to protect you. I was going to
protect you. Do it. So if you just go to
(17:11):
the left and then straight down that aisle and then
you're going to go on a hide between the aisle
gets to the R, I'm sorry, are your is your?
Are your? Don't worry. We do sell megaphones here, and
it's actually super easy to get them. You barely have
to even show identification. Don't worry. You're saying that's fine,
(17:36):
that's fine. Um, if you could even look lower, you
could maybe read my lips, although not everyone. That's actually
a hard thing. Number two is from Patreon. V I P.
Chris as always, I love the show. All the guests
have been amazing additions to the gang. See suggestion character
(18:00):
and to make your own adventure book. I guess it's
a choose you're on adventure book, but maybe the same thing.
Become increasingly frustrated with an indecisive reader. You're all great, Chris.
And then as soon as Mr Grimble's came upon the
Golden Chest, he was able to wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
(18:21):
don't go don't go away further, I'm getting scared. Okay,
do you want to put the chest? I don't know
what I mean. You're a babysitter, what do you think? Well,
we're the same age, so I mean, but you have
authority over mere. I know it's because I can read.
(18:43):
I can't. It's okay, I could teach you. No, thank you.
You should learn how to read this chest? All right?
So where were we? Well, I mean, I really think
you should have literacy generally out of the question. That's
the question. Because my parents pay people like you to
(19:04):
read for me. I understand that. But like you have
to understand that this is gonna do this chest, Mr
Grimble found the gold. Just read this part here, Just
read this part here gold shiit chest? Good? What should
(19:25):
I do with this church? Good? Good? Good? Okay, now
see how it's blank just in line. Okay. Now it
says one for six. So those are options. So if
you look and then we just turned the page. All right, now,
these are three options. So read number red, number one?
What should I do with this church? E? No no
(19:45):
no what he no no no neat no no no.
Hey you're a are you Grimble? Right? Yeah? Grimble, we've
never met. I'm the old gerl who lives in the dungeon.
I was just wondering there was a dungeon. Well, there
is a dungeon, and I'm the oger who lives in it.
(20:05):
We're waiting around to see what you're gonna do. I
think I'm supposed to eat this golden chest. I don't.
I can't even figure out what angle and put it
in my mouth. That's an option to eat the chest. Honestly,
it's the closest thing I've heard so far. But I
feel like I couldn't. I just can't. Actually, you give
it a shot. Can you take a Certainly I'm an
(20:28):
ogre eat the chest, but you know, maybe you could
crack it open with your jaw or something. Hey Ogre,
Mr Grimble, I'm super Later in the book, I'm the
kid that goes to space, but I'm super tired. So yeah,
but that's the way so many choices even get there.
It's very far away in this book. So any chance
(20:48):
that we're going to move this show along, I'm just
I feel like I'm stuck on this chest seat feet right. Okay,
so now look look at this scraph here right, yeah, okay, Now,
let's these are all b words right, yeah, okay, so
we'll just do something really simple. We'll start with just
(21:08):
a two letter B word. I'm mommy, mommy, mommy, your
old mom is home. Thank you so much for caring
for my baby. So wow, Eric, uh Mrs Stevenson, I
(21:32):
don't know how to tell you this, but you're pregnant. Wow? No,
are you sure? I think this might be the oldest
pregnancy on record, as Spry eighty two haven't had sex
in sixteen years for the last time. Sure, Mrs Stevenson.
I'm just cleaning your pool. I'd be happy to put
(21:54):
some suntanlow shot in your back. Okay, yeah, I'm putting
all along on my back. Let me take off my
suit so that I have the best coverage. Well, if
you're gonna do that, I might as well do that too. Okay,
did did you know what kind of thing was? It? Was? It?
Uh soun pregnancy factor six or I think he was
(22:17):
even higher. Actually, and then they're making us recall our
goddamn son pregnancy lotion. All right, everyone just chill the
hell out here. Okay, we're not gonna get suited. No
one's gonna get sued o of their ass alright, told
US SPF was already copyrighted. Someone should have told us that,
all right, And there's no one to blame, okay, no
(22:37):
one should blame on this. Actually there's someone to blame. Okay.
It's Hector right there, just guy right here, this guy, Hector.
He's the one to blame right there with me. If
we just put a spin on there's a lot of
people trying to get pregnant. Well here's a spins. Wait,
wait before you leave. I know you're done babysitting because
my mom's But I had an idea about the book.
(22:58):
Since I can't read, What if I just use my genomination?
What what if I just use my gym animation, Jim animation.
Mr Kimble the sides to give give the gold to
all of his friends and then they all buy cars,
(23:20):
and then and then that's as far as mine. All right,
Mrs Stevens, I'm sorry, but you're a child's imagination is
is lacking. He almost has no imagination. He actually doesn't.
He has an imagination. It's a it's another it's a
different words. It's a completely different thing altogether. So when
(23:41):
you think about it, it might even be better, you know,
like milk and almond milk. They're different, but they're kind
of the same, and one of them is definitely better,
then they're not at all the same. That's a little
bit of a personal thing. What are we all gonna
do with cars? I'm a kid that goes to spa
look over. I can't fit in a car. I know
(24:03):
that much. I feel like I was born to drive
a car, but I don't have any money left. It's crazy.
Have we ever had a reader go off book? My
first time? This is my first time. I was really
hoping it was going to be good. I'm a new
part of the book. I think I didn't even know
there was a reader. I thought I was making my
own choices and the choices for us. But when they're illiterate,
(24:30):
I don't know what that. I mean, who starts on
to choose your own adventure book? Mom? Can can I
call my babysitter? I know it's late at night, but
I have some ideas. Let's bring him over. I love
Eric like he's my own son, and so let's just
call him over at two o'clock in the morning. That's
(24:51):
that should be fine. Fine, Okay, yeah, let's bring him
over here. I only sleep three hours every four hours,
you know, so technically will lead him. Hey, um, you
have to come over here. Who is this? It's me?
(25:11):
Are you trying to tell me that my son has
no imagination and no concept of his own first name?
That's what I'm telling you. Yes, but they're pulling it on,
and it's on. It's all so much. It's not just
one thing individual, it's all compacted, and it makes me
feel overwhelmed. I can see you s wedding night, all right, Bud.
(25:36):
So at this point in the book, um, we have
the weird kid who may be weird or may have
special powers, right, and he's controlling the other characters in
the book. So it's up to you. What does the
weird kid do? I don't know. This is confusing, Christopher
Knowledge should have never written to choose your adventure. Well,
here we are, here, we are I get you one
weekend a month. Button. This is what we're doing with it.
(25:58):
I'm sorry to interrupt, but the this is a Walmart
in the library, so we know the difference. Okay, So
you want to buy the book or what do you
want to do? No? Thank you? All right, Look I'm
in my circle. I can't come near you, but I
can definitely talk to you loddon. Okay. In fact, if
you want to just move along, I can keep this
going all day. Jesus Christ, I can keep just going
all day. Just buy the book. Get up. I choose
(26:21):
that Walmart employee uses the megaphone on himself. Good, that's
not how that works? Good? All right? Okay, yeah, yeah, okay,
thank you so much. Eric. You can just sit with
my son and you guys can do whatever you do,
and I'll pay you in advance. How much is how
(26:43):
much is your rate? Has it gone up since last time?
We're still at eight dollars now? I don't know where man, wake,
wake up. I think I'm fine with eight dollars. Okay,
I'm figured it out. Okay, the ogre Mary the kid,
and they put the guy with the chest in he's grounded. Wait,
(27:09):
you're saying the narrators of our story are in a
story themselves, then what are we even? Are we real?
I don't know. But it's been so long since he's
made a selection that I'm now the man who goes
to space. I have noticed you've gotten older. I'm the
marrying age now. I guess I mean I should have
(27:31):
known an eight year old woman with a six year
old child, with another six year old babysitting. It's far fetched.
It's far fetched. Hey, what what if we were to
just make our own adventure? You have been no help, Grimple,
Come on alright, but hey, you're getting on that plane.
(27:52):
You know I won't see you until next month. You
wanna maybe tell me how the story ends. I'll tell
you how the story ends, all right. The ogre goes
on a rampage, killing the kid from outers Face and
Mr Grimble. He then jumps out of the book and
kills the eighty four year old woman and her two kids.
And he tries to jump out of that but he
(28:13):
can't because there's a four shield. Came him to go
into the real world, so we're safe by I'm tramped
in this book. What you do see now, I can
torment him forever. Number two we all use our imagemations
(28:36):
on that one. C Three is from Brian, who wrote,
Hello Alchemists, first time, long time, Thank you all for
the hours of laughter. Why would I want? Butt onion?
Just had me kealing over here at work a suggestion,
and we're going a very small town hockey rink and
(28:57):
most of the parents think their kids are going to
the end h L even though they're playing Tier five A.
That's it doesn't have to be hockey, whichever sport you prefer,
where the delusional parents see the pros in the future.
Thank you, you're the best. Brian and elk Point Alberta.
A good job, Tyler, keep it up, tie, good job. Man.
(29:18):
My kid is gonna go pro, mark my words right now.
And my kid doesn't go pro, then you can stab
me in the goddamn chess with a hockey stick. Yeah,
that's kind of extreme. You're Sonny is good. Um. He
he's very good at centering the puck. Um, but he
really needs to hustle back on defense. I don't think so.
But he's called a score. Do you know what that is? Uh?
(29:41):
I do know what that is. I've been coaching for
many years. Uh. And really you should go back to
the stands and get out of the box. I gotta
get the kids line changes going so well. I was
actually one of the parents that funded the jersey, so
I think I'm allowed to be here. Okay, it was
like every parent gave twenty dollars towards the jerseys, So
I don't think that that's at least something you can do.
(30:02):
I'm sorry, I'm curious right now, but you just don't
know it. Um, But if you could back up, that
would be great, because I gotta get back into the game.
Get my head in the game. You know. Well, if
your head keep getting out of the game, that maybe
I should be here because my head never leaves the game.
In fact, my head is the game. I'm the game. Okay, sorry,
you need to back up, all right, we'll take out
this megaphone. Look, babe, I'm Malcolm Gladwell, okay, you know
(30:27):
that about me. I've written a lot of books. Okay.
One of the things I wrote an outliers is that
our child, we'll have more of a chance to become
a professional athlete if they're born in a certain month.
So if we have sex today, our child will be
born around August one. Now, if it's past August, we're screwed.
But if our child can be born between August twenty
(30:48):
one auguste he'll be in a level that's lower, but
he'll be older than the other kids, and that year
will make all the difference. Now, are you hot? I'm sorry,
I was just zoning out, Um, baby naked, I want
to have sex. I'm so so so so sorry. I
was up all night watching brit Um. Great. Yes, um,
(31:12):
you wanta have sex? Yeah, but but not just sex.
I want you need to know that we're making a
professional athlete here. Oh I never want to have kids.
I thought. I'm so so so sorry. I so thought
that we had discussed that. I so thought we had
discussed that. I'm nothing Gladwell, yes, okay, that is definitely true. Yeah,
(31:33):
well we got the hot wings, you know. And it's
just nuts because, like you know, Sherry, she's got like
probably six kids in her telling me gonna pop out.
They're all going to be born in the right month,
They're all going to go bro. It's nuts, you know
what I mean? Malcolm, did you get the cider or
would you get I just got water? So okay, wait
who got the cider? So I didn't order the side
(31:54):
or no one at the table order the side or
so if you want to take it back, look, I'm
nothing Gladwow, I wrote blink outliers. Excuse me, excuse me?
Can you can you just take this out? We none
of us ordered the cider. Sodazing, No, I'm sure, but
peach and cardamom, what month were you born? January? January? January?
(32:21):
Oh say, buddy, get ready, he's gonna read you. Okay, Okay, alright, alright,
I'm on warn give me that cider. Whoa ship. That's
a lot of cardam I think that this is crazy too,
But at the same time, it's not like I'm having
a kid, you know what I mean, Like I'm pregnant,
but like I'm having a having a kid, but like
(32:41):
I'm having an athlete is like really what I'm having
you know what I mean? Like I didn't want to
have kids, but like an athlete, that's a really different situation. Yeah,
your husband has got I'm Jane Gladwell. I'm not delusional.
I'm Jane Gladwell. Jane, You've got to treat this baby
(33:01):
like a baby, okay, just because your husband wants it
to run track and field, and it's not just I
wanted to run track and field the ultimate athlete. All right,
I'm looking at your chart. Here is Goodwill Gladwell, and um,
your baby is due to be born in January, which
(33:22):
means um server at best that I'm sorry, the calculations
that we did actually had the baby born. January babies
are good at predicting and tasting notes and beverages. Okay,
if you give them some wine, they can tell you
what the tannins are and what there's hints of something, insiders, beers, whatever,
(33:44):
But they can't dunk. Maybe the gestational period for an
athlete is a little different. Mom, This syereal tastes so good.
Not only do I get hints of cinnamon, but I'm
also finding a sot s your fucking child. You understand
(34:06):
that sweetie, baby, baby, sweetie, and is actually verble. But
but can you put one of the flakes of cereal
on the edge of the spoon and use the other
type side of the spoon to flick it up? And
can you get it? Knock it off? You train him?
(34:28):
I know somebody I know a January baby. Okay, if
I made a mess on the table, I'd probably have
to clean it up and bush. Come with me, Come
with me, kid, Come here, Come with me, Come with me,
Come here, come here, come here. I'm taking it. I'm
taking them for a ride. Shut up, excuse me, sir,
the hi folks, how many hi? I'm not glad? Well?
(34:49):
I wrote blank every time you're here, did you? I
spent ten thousand hours learning guitar and I still suck
at it, So thanks a lot. Impossible. Look, you were
born in January. Yeah, now this child here was also
born in January. Maybe you could take him off my hands?
What maybe you could take him? That's your kid, well
(35:11):
by barely, Okay, I mean I guess we could use
some help around the restaurant. Who the hell is this? Uh,
he's he's an intern. An intern. Looks like a fucking toddler.
What is this? Look he's uh, he's a January birth,
so he's got an incredible nose. Miles. Why what is
(35:33):
going on? You brought a toddler in here? Yeah? We
already have enough service here, so I don't know why
you're bringing in a toddler to serve over here when
we already have so many stubb But look, he's he's
gonna be, you know, off the books. Uh. You know,
he'll work on tips alone. You know, he's not gonna
(35:54):
take any shifts away from you guys. So I gonna
have a toddler working on the downlow here, alright, this
is the off the wild wings. Okay, do you know
what I would give to get my stuff on in
the table. The texts are killing me. Fight is killing me.
Part of me? Coach, coach, coach, Um, I'm Malcolm Gladwell. Liars,
(36:16):
oh yeah, verse yeah, thank you. Um. I was thinking
maybe it might could be a good idea if you
run up the kids and I have a quick talk
with him, you know, just set them straight for the future.
Maybe the parents too. Okay, could we wait like between
periods right now because the game is really close? Is
three to two? And fine? Okay, those are all the
parents up there in the stands right Oh yeah, well
some of them are in the box with me right
(36:37):
here because they refused to stay up there. How you doing? Hey?
How are you? What month was you? When did you
have sex with whoever gave birth to that child? What
the sex? When? When? You know? When were you humping
and bumping? I kind of question is that? I'm Malcolm
glad Well, I wrote outliers, don't who the hell you are?
How gonna get your hands off? Your hands? Has calmed
(37:00):
this down? This is nothing that I visit to Tim Horton.
It's can't fix okay, So everybody piling them my kick
car there we'll go down, We'll get some coffee and
some colors and stuff, and we'll see what's happening. Okay,
it down? Fine? Um, once we get into the actual
divorce proceedings and the mediation, can you still call me
(37:21):
Jane Gladwell? I actually do want to keep the last
name if possible. Well, I mean it's not traditional, it's
I mean, it's not against the rules to keep your
the last name of your husband. But what if we
were to change it to something that's very similar like
god will, good will um? Or what the hell good?
(37:48):
What's what's? What do you will? How about good? Grade?
Just double it down? Would have an identity to ask?
Because what they chosen a name? Yet, I've been in
here forever. They got to choose a name so we
can move forward in the story. I'm still stuck in
the book and I'm dead. And that's let's thank you
(38:18):
each of our alchemists. See what they're up to. Greig Kikowski,
Thanks Cole at Kikowski on Twitter, see Kikowski on Instagram. Yeah,
just follow me on the social media's and see what
I'm up to. It's a new year. It's a blank slate, uh,
which is my way of saying that not much. Jackie Ruthy, Yeah,
(38:41):
hey guys, thanks for having me, uh same old stuff
over here, Jackie. I'm at Jackie Ruthy on all my handles.
And if you think you can't spell that last name,
you're underestimating yourself. You absolutely can. It's right half confidence people.
Joey Greer Sep thanks for having me. God bless chim
Chum on Instagram. That's my personal So if you want
(39:05):
to see all all all the personal go there. Check
out alchemy this Instagram. Check out bear Supply at twitch
dot tv back slosh bs Comedy every Wednesday at eight o'clock.
We'll go for at least ten minutes. Check it out.
That's true. Chris Alarono Instagram. Chris dash Elarno dot com
the website with the most I mean, I'm talking, I'm
(39:28):
talking yearly updates on that motherfucker, you know what I mean.
And you can see some outdated head shots of mine
and look at a resume that is lacking. Is there
a blank upcoming gig section? Finally, James eh thanks for
(39:50):
having me. Bear supply every Wednesday eight pm Pacific Standard time,
and we will go at least ten minutes. I don't
think we've ever gone less than an hour though, but
we'll We guarantee ten minutes of fun. That's the Bear
supply guarantee. It's printed on T shirts. People. I'm at
Cool Stratton on Twitter at Stratton Cole on Instagram. Please
go to s F Sketch Fest dot com. We have
(40:12):
this big benefit show coming up. It's probably already passed
on j I think there's a good chance to be
putting this up for rental. It's got tons of amazing
performers in it, so please go check that out to
help support the festival. SF sketch Fest dot com. Let's
thank our amazing engineering producer Doug Bam and the fine
folks at i heeart Media dot com fumpumpum. Please write
(40:36):
to us at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at alchemy this do until next time.
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy, this COVID nine
one edition. I'm your host, Cool Stratton inform Mr Kevin Palk.
Let's meet an alchemist. Shall we, in no particular order,
say hello to Craig Kowski. Craig they they say you
learn things through time. If you could say anything for
the fifteen year old Joey, what would you say? Uh?
(00:26):
Improv is not your thing. It's it's a time suck.
It's a cult like get out now. You know, maybe
dabble a little in high school, but I think don't
go beyond that. What would you recommend I do? Just
it's just not improv, it's just not your think. Great,
(00:49):
all right, please welcome back. Mr James Heney Heny. Uh.
When you were a kid, what was like the one
arcade game you couldn't get enough of it. You'd go
down to the arcade and pump quarters into It was
a game called blood Storm, and it was very similar
to Mortal Kombat, except in addition to like, you could
rip somebody's arm off and they would have to continue
(01:10):
the fight. I don't remember if you could pick that
arm up and beat them with it, but it was
certainly like the bloodier version of Mortal Kombat. But Mortal
Kombat was a close I used to go to. I
used to go and I would like put my quarters
down in play as long as I could, And if
I could trick some old fool into putting into myright code,
(01:31):
you could put in code so somebody would start with
like quarter health. That was like my dream come true
when somebody fell for the remember like the whole etiquette
of putting a quarter on the machine, basically claiming it
like I'm next fucker. What I feel bad. It's it's
so much cheaper to play video games at home and
compete internationally from your couch, but there is a loss
(01:52):
of that feeling at the arcade. Yeah, I agree. Guys.
Look over there, it's Chris Alvarado chra. If you could
eat one thing that's like terrible for you, but from
now on it's healthy. What would that be? This right here?
Nicotine gum? You're gonna eat that. I wish I got
(02:13):
swallow it, but it's unhealthy to swallow gum, So yeah,
I probably nicotine gum, all right, kind of what I
was expecting. He's welcome, Jackie d Ruthie. Jackie, did you
have a favorite board game growing up, I loved all
board games, Real of Real Fiend, but I'd have to
say Cranium. I liked the mixed medium of it. Cranium
(02:38):
is funny to me because like performers are like this
is easy, and then non performers like it was thrown away.
They have a great game that's called hoop La and
it's the best parts of Cranium, but there's no board
and instead of working against people, you're all working with
each other against the clock. And I like that. I like,
you know, we don't need I hate risk, we don't
(03:02):
need to become enemies while trying to play a game.
Sometimes you have to fortify Australia. We all know that.
We've all been there playing nuclear Risk and then it's
really dangerous. But we almost had time to play risk
in our setup today. Last, but not least, it's Mr
Joey Graare. Joey Uh, you're super in the know. What's
(03:24):
some hot stock tips you can give us? Oh wow,
if you're on Wall Street bets, let me tell you
right now. I know a lot of people looked at
game Stop and AMC. We saw their stocks surge recently
and that was just through uh independent trading and communication online. Right,
so a lot of people bet that they were out
based on like you know, people aren't going to go
into those stores to buy their products. But actually the
(03:46):
insider tip I got right now something I've been looking
at a lot, and I really want people to take. Yeah, yeah,
some somebody really want invest in right now corn feet,
corn feet. So it looks like Elon musk Tesla and
always with the Amazon Jeff Pizos are looking to develop
corn Feet. That's just ceft on the stock exchange. Yeah,
(04:11):
so just if you see corn feed by it right now,
the stock is probably about six. That's, of course Joey's
beloved character and the guy who takes a ship while
giving stock tips. All right, let's do a damn show, Shelley.
All of our scene suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails,
(04:31):
or from our Patreon v I p s To become
a Patreon supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content
and other perks, just head on over to patreon dot
com slash alchemy This. If you'd like to submit a
scene suggestion via email, please write to the podcast at
your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your
name here, at Alchemy. This just seen one comes from Catherine,
(04:55):
who wrote, Hello, Hello, you guys are all great and whatnot. Honestly,
when I first started listening to your podcast, I definitely
was not expecting it to be a long term relationship,
and yet here we are, and here I am writing
to you my sence suggestion. I live in d C,
which means that I am constantly victim to the loud
opinions of anyone and everyone who wields a megaphone. Seriously,
(05:17):
there should be some sort of review process or license
requirement before you are allowed to own one, which brings
me to my suggestion, a world where megaphones are treated
with the same stigma and regulations as guns or other weapons.
Thanks for the laughs. KP from Days DC. Welcome to Walmart.
How can I help you? I'm looking for the projection area. Yeah,
(05:41):
that's just gonna be to the left, but then also
a right, and then you're gonna want to take to
the double doors, and it's gonna in and out of
Walmart all goddamnd and so sorry, sir, it's actually against
policy for me to walk with you. God forbid, I
try to make a pass at you or something like that,
So I like, you get me a mail escort to
(06:03):
bring me to the projection area. Actually, they can to
make a pass at you. So we stand in our
allocated circles and we just point to you, and I
can point to you to the next person who could
point to you a little closer, and we can go
down the line like that. But it's just like a
new rules here. Okay, great, So I'm gonna need you
to go again to the right and then to the
left and then to the double doors, and it's gonna
(06:24):
go like I need to have like some sort of
shuttle relay reason to get there, because I don't want
to spend another hour and a half in a Walmart
where I have to just walk out because I don't
understands here. I hear you say you're looking for a
male escort dollars from me to say the night. Uh
what about just a day rate? Oh day rate? Uh
(06:47):
of four or fifty bus tips? What you're not gonna pay?
You're not gonna pay my guy. You pay my fucking
guy out right, pimp piece of ship? You like you
like what you see here, don't. I just have to
be clear they are not employed by Walmart. They have
nothing to do with Walmart or what we believe here
(07:07):
at the understand with Sam's Club, Sam's Club. Well, Jones,
I gotta say, are very happy to have you be
part of the family. Um, you know, I never had
a son, as you know, I have three daughters. You're
marrying one of them. But you know you're one of us. Now,
you're one of us. Now have a seat, Have a seat.
(07:28):
I don't want to take up too much of your time.
I have a seat. He likes the cars. He likes
the cars. I don't really Yeah, sure, sure, clip that
for you, gotta clip that. Yeah, write that up real quick,
you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, that means you know it's good.
(07:48):
It's good, it's good. So a couple of things, A
couple of quick things. Um, look, one day this house
will probably yours. I'll be honest, okay, and I keep
that in mind. That's why I keep it up. So
got new oak floors, the new h fact system that's
gonna be yours, and that's got a thirty year warranty.
So that's someone here by the way. Um, so just
(08:09):
one more thing I gotta show you there, Jones. Um,
you sit right there, you're probably wondering what this bay
door is doing in the garage. Right, You're like, what's
what's behind that big door? Right? I was wondering a
little bit. Yeah all right, let me just open this
up for a quick kick. Holy ship. Yeah wow, that
is quite a stockpile. I'm talking. We got twelve volts,
(08:32):
twenty four volts. I even got one over here, hundred
thirty six volts. That's that's how megaphones are. Yeah yeah,
that's how the rated by voltage. Yeah, so, um are
the higher volter ones louder or louder? They also make
their noises. You got siren, you got loud beeps. Really
(08:56):
open a in a megaphone household that? Okay, that's okay,
you're part of this. We're not big first people. Yeah,
well Jones, you know, things change, right, people's people's opinions change.
You ever you ever held one of these before? Oh? No,
thank you? Oh my god, I can't believe champagne. We're
(09:17):
just celebrating when now from the engagement, Jones is so exciting.
You need to help me, You need to help me.
I don't have a wedding hashtag yet. Think of something clever, Jones.
And someone told Marie. I told dad you could come
with us for a bit. Now you have to leave.
This is Jones in my engagement. I'm in charge of
doing the wedding hashtag. That's like the one thing that
(09:38):
she told me to do. I don't know. I don't
fucking know. Hone in on Jones and somebody. Can we
just get discuss the wedding clouds and then maybe Marie
could leave. Put down the megaphone. Good you look at you?
I fuck? This is this is classic Bromary wants to
(10:01):
take away everyone's a megaphone. You're thick, please, it's why
does everyone Everyone doesn't need to have a megaphone. If
no one had a megaphone, then no one would need
a megaphone. George Washington had a megaphone when he crossed
the Delaware. If he didn't have that, where will we
be as Americans? I don't think I don't think that's
for four d and fifty dollars. I thought that you
(10:23):
would know a little bit about megaphones. I'm not helping me.
I know some about megaphones, but you know not a lot.
You know, I I haven't. My mom was super like
not in the megaphone so I never had one. But
one time I went over to my my friend Joey's
house and he had He had a lot of megaphones,
so we would play around with them, but I was dangerous.
(10:43):
You know, exactly is your expertise in the geek squad?
On the geek Squad, I'm the guy that just tells
you to reboot. Oh well, alright, buck, I see you.
You got a Walmart shopping bag there. You come to
me on the day of my daughter's wedding. Imagine you
(11:05):
have a gift for me. Maybe you wouldn't need something
from me as well. What's what's in the bed? Well, um,
I believe it to be something that you could add
to your collection. I've heard his legendary but never been
personally shown. I didn't have a chance to wrap up.
(11:25):
I'm gonna be honest. I don't love your son. I
don't love Jones. Okay. I mean he's gotta he's a
good enough kid, but I don't love the guy. Okay.
So this is what we're doing right here. This is
gonna go a long way either for or against the
way I feel about Jones. You understand, well, you've treated
him so nice. I didn't for my baby girl. Oh well,
(11:45):
I mean my son is a gentleman. He's smarter than well,
he's smarter than his educational record would say. Should really
opened the stubble bag of Walmart. There it is. I
I couldn't find anything about voltage or wattage. But how
much did you pay for this thing? Well? It was
(12:07):
I'm not gonna lie. It was an open box item,
but that wasn't why it was. All right, everyone settled
down and everyone's filled out their forms. That's good, all right,
So everyone who's here today to get a permit to
open carry a megaphone? All right, so let's just go
over the group. Yeah, let's just go over the grounds
(12:28):
right here. It is a state by state laws we
all know, okay, so please know any body laws within
each state if you're allowed open cart as well as okay,
all right? Uh can the two people in back making
that campfire and looks like they're mining, can you stop
for a second. I'm just okay. So, um, so what
(12:50):
we got here? I want to make sure we go
by our state and city laws. Why we use the
megaphone that's in your hand, because I believe in megaphone
safety and if anyone's gonna pull out a megaphone and
start using it, I don't think you're ready. Don't want
to make a phone. A magaphone is only supposed to
be Excuse me, where's the bathroom? Shake it down? Down
(13:12):
the megaphone down now, Jim, it's been brought to my
attention that the class had some issues last night. Is
that correct? Yeah, for sure, had some isssues. Yeah, some
people didn't know how to use a megaphone. And now
you're in charge of the people in that room. Is
that correct? Yeah. Look, I don't know why I'm getting
(13:33):
a third degree for people not knowing how to use
it at the beginning of class. I'm teaching a class
year they didn't pass. People were hurt yesterday, Jim Marcy,
I know that. Okay, I got a guy's ear drum
blown out. Do you think this is a joke? No,
of course, I think megaphone here in my eyes? Please,
I like looking at your nose. Is that a problem?
(13:54):
It feels weird to me, sir. You can't bring this
on the airplane. You just can't. It's clearly stated there
that no megaphones are a lot on board. I mean
it's pretty obvious. Okay, sir, please can you get behind me?
I got this all right. Neither of you can bring
your megaphones on the plane. All right. It's sealed so
(14:14):
you couldn't check me anyways for it. They have no
reason to check my body, gone through security, and security
let you through with the megaphone. Oh well, I'm here
all right. Next uh and just so you know we
have homeland Security has no reason to check your body,
all right, no reason? Uh huh. Okay, now just step
(14:38):
into this ice ball. What's that over there? What's that
over there? Where are you pointing? We can look behind you?
Oh my god? Okay, what about hashtag jonesing to get married?
Or does that completely leave out some Will you just
(15:00):
give me a second. I don't know where Jones is.
He's gonna answer my calls you to give. It's just
the only job, so I really need to get it done.
A coup Jones. You're a goddamn cop. I'm sorry I
had to find out this way, all right. What do
(15:20):
you want for me? Ah? Look, we've will for two years.
Do you even love my dad? Do you even love
my daughter? Which one is she? Again? The one you're
supposed to marry or is that also an undercover operation? Dad.
I'm here for you, Dad, I'm here for you. I've
(15:41):
got your back, Dad, I've got your back. Get away, Jones. Now, earlier,
when I said I only had three daughters, I failed
to mention I have one bad motherfucking son. Come on out, Darry,
Come on out, Darry. That's right, that's right to adopted.
(16:01):
So he never counts me, but I count. So what
do you want to do? Job? Kid? You can put
cheers off first, Dad, Darry? June's what's going on? Someone?
Put put your airphones on. I don't know what's going on.
What's going on? Put your airphones on. I've got a
hundred and twenty megaphone. It's gonna burst your ear drums.
(16:26):
Oh d shit, you think that's a lot. Mine's three
seventy four. It is illegal. My whole goddamn stoppiles illegal.
Now someone's gonna get hurt here, Okay? Is that what
we want? Jones? Is that what you want? Look, we
(16:46):
know that you got all these megaphones and megaphone shows
where they don't have to be regulated. What's the problem
with that? The problem is that that it's under the table.
I'm trying to protect my family, Jones, and I was,
I was going to protect you. I was going to
protect you. Do it. So if you just go to
(17:11):
the left and then straight down that aisle and then
you're going to go on a hide between the aisle
gets to the R, I'm sorry, are your is your?
Are your? Don't worry. We do sell megaphones here, and
it's actually super easy to get them. You barely have
to even show identification. Don't worry. You're saying that's fine,
(17:36):
that's fine. Um, if you could even look lower, you
could maybe read my lips, although not everyone. That's actually
a hard thing. Number two is from Patreon. V I P.
Chris as always, I love the show. All the guests
have been amazing additions to the gang. See suggestion character
(18:00):
and to make your own adventure book. I guess it's
a choose you're on adventure book, but maybe the same thing.
Become increasingly frustrated with an indecisive reader. You're all great, Chris.
And then as soon as Mr Grimble's came upon the
Golden Chest, he was able to wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
(18:21):
don't go don't go away further, I'm getting scared. Okay,
do you want to put the chest? I don't know
what I mean. You're a babysitter, what do you think? Well,
we're the same age, so I mean, but you have
authority over mere. I know it's because I can read.
(18:43):
I can't. It's okay, I could teach you. No, thank you.
You should learn how to read this chest? All right?
So where were we? Well, I mean, I really think
you should have literacy generally out of the question. That's
the question. Because my parents pay people like you to
(19:04):
read for me. I understand that. But like you have
to understand that this is gonna do this chest, Mr
Grimble found the gold. Just read this part here, Just
read this part here gold shiit chest? Good? What should
(19:25):
I do with this church? Good? Good? Good? Okay, now
see how it's blank just in line. Okay. Now it
says one for six. So those are options. So if
you look and then we just turned the page. All right, now,
these are three options. So read number red, number one?
What should I do with this church? E? No no
(19:45):
no what he no no no neat no no no.
Hey you're a are you Grimble? Right? Yeah? Grimble, we've
never met. I'm the old gerl who lives in the dungeon.
I was just wondering there was a dungeon. Well, there
is a dungeon, and I'm the oger who lives in it.
(20:05):
We're waiting around to see what you're gonna do. I
think I'm supposed to eat this golden chest. I don't.
I can't even figure out what angle and put it
in my mouth. That's an option to eat the chest. Honestly,
it's the closest thing I've heard so far. But I
feel like I couldn't. I just can't. Actually, you give
it a shot. Can you take a Certainly I'm an
(20:28):
ogre eat the chest, but you know, maybe you could
crack it open with your jaw or something. Hey Ogre,
Mr Grimble, I'm super Later in the book, I'm the
kid that goes to space, but I'm super tired. So yeah,
but that's the way so many choices even get there.
It's very far away in this book. So any chance
(20:48):
that we're going to move this show along, I'm just
I feel like I'm stuck on this chest seat feet right. Okay,
so now look look at this scraph here right, yeah, okay, Now,
let's these are all b words right, yeah, okay, so
we'll just do something really simple. We'll start with just
(21:08):
a two letter B word. I'm mommy, mommy, mommy, your
old mom is home. Thank you so much for caring
for my baby. So wow, Eric, uh Mrs Stevenson, I
(21:32):
don't know how to tell you this, but you're pregnant. Wow? No,
are you sure? I think this might be the oldest
pregnancy on record, as Spry eighty two haven't had sex
in sixteen years for the last time. Sure, Mrs Stevenson.
I'm just cleaning your pool. I'd be happy to put
(21:54):
some suntanlow shot in your back. Okay, yeah, I'm putting
all along on my back. Let me take off my
suit so that I have the best coverage. Well, if
you're gonna do that, I might as well do that too. Okay,
did did you know what kind of thing was? It? Was? It?
Uh soun pregnancy factor six or I think he was
(22:17):
even higher. Actually, and then they're making us recall our
goddamn son pregnancy lotion. All right, everyone just chill the
hell out here. Okay, we're not gonna get suited. No
one's gonna get sued o of their ass alright, told
US SPF was already copyrighted. Someone should have told us that,
all right, And there's no one to blame, okay, no
(22:37):
one should blame on this. Actually there's someone to blame. Okay.
It's Hector right there, just guy right here, this guy, Hector.
He's the one to blame right there with me. If
we just put a spin on there's a lot of
people trying to get pregnant. Well here's a spins. Wait,
wait before you leave. I know you're done babysitting because
my mom's But I had an idea about the book.
(22:58):
Since I can't read, What if I just use my genomination?
What what if I just use my gym animation, Jim animation.
Mr Kimble the sides to give give the gold to
all of his friends and then they all buy cars,
(23:20):
and then and then that's as far as mine. All right,
Mrs Stevens, I'm sorry, but you're a child's imagination is
is lacking. He almost has no imagination. He actually doesn't.
He has an imagination. It's a it's another it's a
different words. It's a completely different thing altogether. So when
(23:41):
you think about it, it might even be better, you know,
like milk and almond milk. They're different, but they're kind
of the same, and one of them is definitely better,
then they're not at all the same. That's a little
bit of a personal thing. What are we all gonna
do with cars? I'm a kid that goes to spa
look over. I can't fit in a car. I know
(24:03):
that much. I feel like I was born to drive
a car, but I don't have any money left. It's crazy.
Have we ever had a reader go off book? My
first time? This is my first time. I was really
hoping it was going to be good. I'm a new
part of the book. I think I didn't even know
there was a reader. I thought I was making my
own choices and the choices for us. But when they're illiterate,
(24:30):
I don't know what that. I mean, who starts on
to choose your own adventure book? Mom? Can can I
call my babysitter? I know it's late at night, but
I have some ideas. Let's bring him over. I love
Eric like he's my own son, and so let's just
call him over at two o'clock in the morning. That's
(24:51):
that should be fine. Fine, Okay, yeah, let's bring him
over here. I only sleep three hours every four hours,
you know, so technically will lead him. Hey, um, you
have to come over here. Who is this? It's me?
(25:11):
Are you trying to tell me that my son has
no imagination and no concept of his own first name?
That's what I'm telling you. Yes, but they're pulling it on,
and it's on. It's all so much. It's not just
one thing individual, it's all compacted, and it makes me
feel overwhelmed. I can see you s wedding night, all right, Bud.
(25:36):
So at this point in the book, um, we have
the weird kid who may be weird or may have
special powers, right, and he's controlling the other characters in
the book. So it's up to you. What does the
weird kid do? I don't know. This is confusing, Christopher
Knowledge should have never written to choose your adventure. Well,
here we are, here, we are I get you one
weekend a month. Button. This is what we're doing with it.
(25:58):
I'm sorry to interrupt, but the this is a Walmart
in the library, so we know the difference. Okay, So
you want to buy the book or what do you
want to do? No? Thank you? All right, Look I'm
in my circle. I can't come near you, but I
can definitely talk to you loddon. Okay. In fact, if
you want to just move along, I can keep this
going all day. Jesus Christ, I can keep just going
all day. Just buy the book. Get up. I choose
(26:21):
that Walmart employee uses the megaphone on himself. Good, that's
not how that works? Good? All right? Okay, yeah, yeah, okay,
thank you so much. Eric. You can just sit with
my son and you guys can do whatever you do,
and I'll pay you in advance. How much is how
(26:43):
much is your rate? Has it gone up since last time?
We're still at eight dollars now? I don't know where man, wake,
wake up. I think I'm fine with eight dollars. Okay,
I'm figured it out. Okay, the ogre Mary the kid,
and they put the guy with the chest in he's grounded. Wait,
(27:09):
you're saying the narrators of our story are in a
story themselves, then what are we even? Are we real?
I don't know. But it's been so long since he's
made a selection that I'm now the man who goes
to space. I have noticed you've gotten older. I'm the
marrying age now. I guess I mean I should have
(27:31):
known an eight year old woman with a six year
old child, with another six year old babysitting. It's far fetched.
It's far fetched. Hey, what what if we were to
just make our own adventure? You have been no help, Grimple,
Come on alright, but hey, you're getting on that plane.
(27:52):
You know I won't see you until next month. You
wanna maybe tell me how the story ends. I'll tell
you how the story ends, all right. The ogre goes
on a rampage, killing the kid from outers Face and
Mr Grimble. He then jumps out of the book and
kills the eighty four year old woman and her two kids.
And he tries to jump out of that but he
(28:13):
can't because there's a four shield. Came him to go
into the real world, so we're safe by I'm tramped
in this book. What you do see now, I can
torment him forever. Number two we all use our imagemations
(28:36):
on that one. C Three is from Brian, who wrote,
Hello Alchemists, first time, long time, Thank you all for
the hours of laughter. Why would I want? Butt onion?
Just had me kealing over here at work a suggestion,
and we're going a very small town hockey rink and
(28:57):
most of the parents think their kids are going to
the end h L even though they're playing Tier five A.
That's it doesn't have to be hockey, whichever sport you prefer,
where the delusional parents see the pros in the future.
Thank you, you're the best. Brian and elk Point Alberta.
A good job, Tyler, keep it up, tie, good job. Man.
(29:18):
My kid is gonna go pro, mark my words right now.
And my kid doesn't go pro, then you can stab
me in the goddamn chess with a hockey stick. Yeah,
that's kind of extreme. You're Sonny is good. Um. He
he's very good at centering the puck. Um, but he
really needs to hustle back on defense. I don't think so.
But he's called a score. Do you know what that is? Uh?
(29:41):
I do know what that is. I've been coaching for
many years. Uh. And really you should go back to
the stands and get out of the box. I gotta
get the kids line changes going so well. I was
actually one of the parents that funded the jersey, so
I think I'm allowed to be here. Okay, it was
like every parent gave twenty dollars towards the jerseys, So
I don't think that that's at least something you can do.
(30:02):
I'm sorry, I'm curious right now, but you just don't
know it. Um, But if you could back up, that
would be great, because I gotta get back into the game.
Get my head in the game. You know. Well, if
your head keep getting out of the game, that maybe
I should be here because my head never leaves the game.
In fact, my head is the game. I'm the game. Okay, sorry,
you need to back up, all right, we'll take out
this megaphone. Look, babe, I'm Malcolm Gladwell, okay, you know
(30:27):
that about me. I've written a lot of books. Okay.
One of the things I wrote an outliers is that
our child, we'll have more of a chance to become
a professional athlete if they're born in a certain month.
So if we have sex today, our child will be
born around August one. Now, if it's past August, we're screwed.
But if our child can be born between August twenty
(30:48):
one auguste he'll be in a level that's lower, but
he'll be older than the other kids, and that year
will make all the difference. Now, are you hot? I'm sorry,
I was just zoning out, Um, baby naked, I want
to have sex. I'm so so so so sorry. I
was up all night watching brit Um. Great. Yes, um,
(31:12):
you wanta have sex? Yeah, but but not just sex.
I want you need to know that we're making a
professional athlete here. Oh I never want to have kids.
I thought. I'm so so so sorry. I so thought
that we had discussed that. I so thought we had
discussed that. I'm nothing Gladwell, yes, okay, that is definitely true. Yeah,
(31:33):
well we got the hot wings, you know. And it's
just nuts because, like you know, Sherry, she's got like
probably six kids in her telling me gonna pop out.
They're all going to be born in the right month,
They're all going to go bro. It's nuts, you know
what I mean? Malcolm, did you get the cider or
would you get I just got water? So okay, wait
who got the cider? So I didn't order the side
(31:54):
or no one at the table order the side or
so if you want to take it back, look, I'm
nothing Gladwow, I wrote blink outliers. Excuse me, excuse me?
Can you can you just take this out? We none
of us ordered the cider. Sodazing, No, I'm sure, but
peach and cardamom, what month were you born? January? January? January?
(32:21):
Oh say, buddy, get ready, he's gonna read you. Okay, Okay, alright, alright,
I'm on warn give me that cider. Whoa ship. That's
a lot of cardam I think that this is crazy too,
But at the same time, it's not like I'm having
a kid, you know what I mean, Like I'm pregnant,
but like I'm having a having a kid, but like
(32:41):
I'm having an athlete is like really what I'm having
you know what I mean? Like I didn't want to
have kids, but like an athlete, that's a really different situation. Yeah,
your husband has got I'm Jane Gladwell. I'm not delusional.
I'm Jane Gladwell. Jane, You've got to treat this baby
(33:01):
like a baby, okay, just because your husband wants it
to run track and field, and it's not just I
wanted to run track and field the ultimate athlete. All right,
I'm looking at your chart. Here is Goodwill Gladwell, and um,
your baby is due to be born in January, which
(33:22):
means um server at best that I'm sorry, the calculations
that we did actually had the baby born. January babies
are good at predicting and tasting notes and beverages. Okay,
if you give them some wine, they can tell you
what the tannins are and what there's hints of something, insiders, beers, whatever,
(33:44):
But they can't dunk. Maybe the gestational period for an
athlete is a little different. Mom, This syereal tastes so good.
Not only do I get hints of cinnamon, but I'm
also finding a sot s your fucking child. You understand
(34:06):
that sweetie, baby, baby, sweetie, and is actually verble. But
but can you put one of the flakes of cereal
on the edge of the spoon and use the other
type side of the spoon to flick it up? And
can you get it? Knock it off? You train him?
(34:28):
I know somebody I know a January baby. Okay, if
I made a mess on the table, I'd probably have
to clean it up and bush. Come with me, Come
with me, kid, Come here, Come with me, Come with me,
Come here, come here, come here. I'm taking it. I'm
taking them for a ride. Shut up, excuse me, sir,
the hi folks, how many hi? I'm not glad? Well?
(34:49):
I wrote blank every time you're here, did you? I
spent ten thousand hours learning guitar and I still suck
at it, So thanks a lot. Impossible. Look, you were
born in January. Yeah, now this child here was also
born in January. Maybe you could take him off my hands?
What maybe you could take him? That's your kid, well
(35:11):
by barely, Okay, I mean I guess we could use
some help around the restaurant. Who the hell is this? Uh,
he's he's an intern. An intern. Looks like a fucking toddler.
What is this? Look he's uh, he's a January birth,
so he's got an incredible nose. Miles. Why what is
(35:33):
going on? You brought a toddler in here? Yeah? We
already have enough service here, so I don't know why
you're bringing in a toddler to serve over here when
we already have so many stubb But look, he's he's
gonna be, you know, off the books. Uh. You know,
he'll work on tips alone. You know, he's not gonna
(35:54):
take any shifts away from you guys. So I gonna
have a toddler working on the downlow here, alright, this
is the off the wild wings. Okay, do you know
what I would give to get my stuff on in
the table. The texts are killing me. Fight is killing me.
Part of me? Coach, coach, coach, Um, I'm Malcolm Gladwell. Liars,
(36:16):
oh yeah, verse yeah, thank you. Um. I was thinking
maybe it might could be a good idea if you
run up the kids and I have a quick talk
with him, you know, just set them straight for the future.
Maybe the parents too. Okay, could we wait like between
periods right now because the game is really close? Is
three to two? And fine? Okay, those are all the
parents up there in the stands right Oh yeah, well
some of them are in the box with me right
(36:37):
here because they refused to stay up there. How you doing? Hey?
How are you? What month was you? When did you
have sex with whoever gave birth to that child? What
the sex? When? When? You know? When were you humping
and bumping? I kind of question is that? I'm Malcolm
glad Well, I wrote outliers, don't who the hell you are?
How gonna get your hands off? Your hands? Has calmed
(37:00):
this down? This is nothing that I visit to Tim Horton.
It's can't fix okay, So everybody piling them my kick
car there we'll go down, We'll get some coffee and
some colors and stuff, and we'll see what's happening. Okay,
it down? Fine? Um, once we get into the actual
divorce proceedings and the mediation, can you still call me
(37:21):
Jane Gladwell? I actually do want to keep the last
name if possible. Well, I mean it's not traditional, it's
I mean, it's not against the rules to keep your
the last name of your husband. But what if we
were to change it to something that's very similar like
god will, good will um? Or what the hell good?
(37:48):
What's what's? What do you will? How about good? Grade?
Just double it down? Would have an identity to ask?
Because what they chosen a name? Yet, I've been in
here forever. They got to choose a name so we
can move forward in the story. I'm still stuck in
the book and I'm dead. And that's let's thank you
(38:18):
each of our alchemists. See what they're up to. Greig Kikowski,
Thanks Cole at Kikowski on Twitter, see Kikowski on Instagram. Yeah,
just follow me on the social media's and see what
I'm up to. It's a new year. It's a blank slate, uh,
which is my way of saying that not much. Jackie Ruthy, Yeah,
(38:41):
hey guys, thanks for having me, uh same old stuff
over here, Jackie. I'm at Jackie Ruthy on all my handles.
And if you think you can't spell that last name,
you're underestimating yourself. You absolutely can. It's right half confidence people.
Joey Greer Sep thanks for having me. God bless chim
Chum on Instagram. That's my personal So if you want
(39:05):
to see all all all the personal go there. Check
out alchemy this Instagram. Check out bear Supply at twitch
dot tv back slosh bs Comedy every Wednesday at eight o'clock.
We'll go for at least ten minutes. Check it out.
That's true. Chris Alarono Instagram. Chris dash Elarno dot com
the website with the most I mean, I'm talking, I'm
(39:28):
talking yearly updates on that motherfucker, you know what I mean.
And you can see some outdated head shots of mine
and look at a resume that is lacking. Is there
a blank upcoming gig section? Finally, James eh thanks for
(39:50):
having me. Bear supply every Wednesday eight pm Pacific Standard time,
and we will go at least ten minutes. I don't
think we've ever gone less than an hour though, but
we'll We guarantee ten minutes of fun. That's the Bear
supply guarantee. It's printed on T shirts. People. I'm at
Cool Stratton on Twitter at Stratton Cole on Instagram. Please
go to s F Sketch Fest dot com. We have
(40:12):
this big benefit show coming up. It's probably already passed
on j I think there's a good chance to be
putting this up for rental. It's got tons of amazing
performers in it, so please go check that out to
help support the festival. SF sketch Fest dot com. Let's
thank our amazing engineering producer Doug Bam and the fine
folks at i heeart Media dot com fumpumpum. Please write
(40:36):
to us at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at alchemy this do until next time.
Alchemy This News
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Kevin Pollak
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