July 23, 2019 • 58 mins
Moonshiners Become Secret Agents; Aspiring Actress As A 911 Operator; Worst Driving Test Ever
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another exciting episode of Alchemy this I'm
your host, Kevin polog Yes, that Kevin Pollock. Well, let's
not get off on the wrong pilm. Okay, No, I
find it best to get off on the left foot.
It's easier to claim. But I digress. Hey, before we
introduce our met firsts our alchemists, let's let's uh, speaking
(00:24):
of getting off, let's give congratulations to our very un Vanessa, right,
who has given birth to a beautiful baby girl whose name,
oddly is Joey Greer. Yeah, well, of course you do.
I think it's a great name. Alright, Speaking of which,
(00:46):
lets we start the show. Stick out your tongue because
Joey grahams here, one bagel and a Greer schmer. Please,
what would you do right now after winning a one
million dollar lottery? What's the first thing to do? Um? Oh,
ship under your head? Uh, let's blow it all cocked.
Let's blow it all right. I was by undershirts unders
(01:11):
how many million dollars? Then you'd sell them? No life,
lifetime you can change your shirt every single day and
have a brand new one. No, I'd wear the one
till it's done. Because you were raised properly, gonna have
an amen, because the good Reverend Heney has the floor
Reverend Jim and Tammy fame. How would you like to
(01:32):
be greeted at the pearly gates with an acceptance letter
like a former letter? Well like que the door opening
and that's a good sign. That's a real good sign. Envelope.
Hey there's Craig Kakowski Ko. What's your earliest memory of
(01:53):
your Halloween costume? And why were you crying? Probably because
it was a store bought Luke ska Walker, which was
like a plastic bib with a picture of Luke Skywalker on.
That's not really a costume. A costume. Walker doesn't wear
a picture of himself. Yeah, you went out as propaganda? Yes,
and last but may disease camel make cocon your cuscush
(02:17):
If you think of leash, it's mark Hello, gagster riches
uh today appropriately? What would your name be if you
were a super popular porn star? Um? Is this one
of those ones where I have to use like my
street name and all that because necessarily because if I
did that version, as I found out in middle school,
(02:38):
my porn name would be thunder Pounds, right, always so great.
I don't know. I don't know. My dog was named
thunder My in. The maiden name in my family was Pounds.
Mine is Rascal willow Brook. Let's go around. That's soft
core to me. Yeah, anybody else want to be Sarah
(03:01):
South Sarah Bummer? Please, that's very Chicago, it is. Let's
see Allegriano South of the Buddher. Let's all right, let's
get to our first scene. All of today's scene suggestions
are gathered from our listener emails. If you'd like to
(03:23):
submit yours, please write to the podcast at your name
here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name here
at alchemy this dot com. Our first team comes to
us from Angelique, who wrote, I work in a greenhouse
eight hours a day listening to garbage until your new
episode is released? What does that sound like? Garbage? Here
(03:44):
is a real challenge. A bunch of backwoods moonshiners are
trying a new recipe. They don't realize how potent it is,
and all black out. They wake up, only to find
out they've somehow become secret agents that could have gone anywhere. Yeah,
I was almost worried. I'm worried now. I pray my
(04:07):
cackle is heard across the whole forty two acres of greenhouse.
That's a big green Dear Lord, much love, Angelique Savoy.
You won't shape out the short all right. I thought
you're gonna witness the whole thing. Oh come on, I
want to make sport out. Good night's clean and clear
and that nic that's real, nice shipper, good hanky. You
(04:30):
won't good at this. Oh here, of course I want
to get some of that fire cook taking big old
stiff one and pass it over to Jingle. Jingle, you
gotta give something to Jangle. Go on now, Jangle wants zip,
buddy Dangle. Just take a sip. Okay, Jingle gonna take
a sit up right now? When did Jingle start talking
(04:52):
to him? Just to Jangle? Just sip Jingle minds. Jingle's
own business, and you should do the same, all right, Jingle,
I don't want to saying anything about Yeah, that's a
good plause. Oh that's good. Take a poll, Stinky, I
don't know about this fellas. You come on, work What
(05:15):
works for Jingle ain't necessarily gonna work for old Stinky.
Come on now, ain't trying to peer pressure. No, I
mean it feels like a peer pressure and me it's
one of them situations like I've seen in the movie
where like the one kid doesn't want the marijuana, but
all the other kids at the party having hold on
the same. Look fellas, I ain't I don't want to
(05:37):
discuss semantics, but what we are doing in this day
and age is significantly more illegal. Then come on, come
all right, and and ceramics get nothing to do that.
Here's the truth of the matter. We gather every day
like this, and we passed the jug. We come around
to you, and you've got some kind of excuses to
not take a poll. Well, jingles one room while you
(06:00):
don't take your You want to know I don't take
a pull. It's what happens when I drink moonshine, blackout. Terrible,
terrible things happen. All right, fine, I'll drink it right
now and something good, maybe it'll happen. Are something bad's
gonna happen. By the way, it's gonna make a couple
more spins around the circle here, So I don't know
(06:23):
how strong is it. We might all black out after one.
I am the way it's gonna happen. Just take a sip,
stinking right. No, that's a good one. Easy. Does what
you do? Girl? Shrinking the rift of the joke? Well,
(06:43):
that's why you black out, stinking this is what happened.
That's good news. I got another judge. I don't feel
so good. You know you're taking one of you're drinking
gerber gerber? How much that jug you drink? I can't
(07:06):
feel my face Just backwash maner jug kind. He's drinking
the whole thing too. Please, h one, this was holy
(07:38):
not not all of it went in his mouth? Much
gonna say very little? How did any of that get
in your mouth? Swallowed? Almost almost? That's what the cows?
So all right, jingle is gonna nurse hiss like a
fine sip in tequila. Give me that. Let me ten
(08:03):
hours later? God, what did we do? Wait? What the hell?
What the hell am I wearing a suit? Why are
you where we all get these suits? The hill? Wait
a minute, look out the window. They're dripping on the
other side of the road. Window. I thought we were
(08:24):
in the woods. What the hell? Not not only are
we in a building, but we're in a building in
another country. Oh, how can we tell it's another Because
you're drowning on the road side of the room. Maybe
we're on the other side of a building. He's got
a good boy. We can be on the wrong side
of the building. Oh man, oh god, I can't be
in the city. I'm a woods guy. I don't do this.
(08:47):
You don't look like a woods guy in that suit.
You look like a city man in that suit. Me
jenem and I'm so sorry. My name is Agent two,
Agent two two like the number. That's exactly right, Agent two,
as in the number between one and three. I'm confused
(09:10):
how you wind up being agent too. I can't imagine
you being anything but confused given your current situation. So
why don't I begin the explanations? Now? Your name formerly
stinky and is now Agent three hundred four, three hundred
and four. They're quite a few of us, and you, sir,
(09:33):
I believe, went by the handled Jingle Jangles Jingle's name, right,
You're going to have to work on that. Your agent
three hundred and seven, three oh seven three away? Does
that make me three away? Its three or four? And
they went to three? Oh so wan the number. I'm sorry,
you're actually what formerly was your name? I'm trying to
(09:54):
find it in the records. I don't see red Rick
Red Yeah, your agent nine hundred four four yes, yes, yes.
And lastly, Calm Doll, Calm Doll, let's see Calm Doll. Ah,
(10:15):
that's my name is that's too Oh sorry, you're still
agent in training. You haven't been assigned in number agents,
just an agent training. Wait a minute, agents. The seven
is confused. Part of her Majesty's secret the sectional character
(10:40):
of James Bond w seven year. Yeah, that's none you
like the Timothy Dalton. Yes, there are group meetings. There
are seven of you actually in the world. You meet
on Thursdays if you'd like to gather and speak to
others of Timothy don't. Did we time travel back to
(11:01):
the times of kings and queens if there's a Majesty, No,
there's currently a royal family. It traveled. Now, you traveled
a great distance, that's true, but not tough timescially a
great distance I assume just across the sea, right, you
pretty much did hop the pond. Yes, that's the extent
(11:23):
of it. I'm real confused, Like, how did I don't
remember anything where we asleep when we got on the plane. Well,
here's a story you're more familiar with, given your geographic locations,
where you all came from, where you were raised. You
have friends in the village, in the marketplace. Talk about
alien the ducttions. Yeah, that's that's us secret. Well alien
(11:56):
in the sense that I'm not American. Yeah, alien hate
that kind of alien. Right. Well, if I may, I'm
gonna get you. You're sort of a chip off the
old block. If you know what I'm saying. You were
the dismissed cousin America number two. I got a question
for you. What is it three or them? And and
(12:17):
our time is in our very brief time, very brief.
Wait a minute, now, I got two questions for you.
Question one is how long were we out? Uh? Sixty
two hours hours? That's almost a year. Holy god, oh
my god. Didn't we do anything real dangerous and cool? Yet? No,
(12:39):
you've pretty much been out and then clothed. I mean,
this suit could not be more finely tailored. It really
does look nice. It is comfortable from top man. From
did you see top man top man? That's clever. No,
you see the Her Majesty's secret her right, the Queen mom,
(13:02):
the queen, not the Queen, the Queen mum. So you're
saying that somebody has the CIA's knocks list and we
gotta find it. Is that, right, listen, trainee, let me
ask this question. So now we've we've given more proof
as to why you have been assigned numb hold on.
I just want to know. Do I have to get
a team together over and steal some stuff from Langley?
(13:23):
Is that what I gotta do? No? No, no, we're
still allies with America, all right? Because look if I
got to get a correct team of one guy who
knows how did computers, another French guy who's good with knives, right,
and I gotta get everyone together, and then I gotta
find out why my team died. Do you think we
got put into the Impossible mission force? I don't know, man,
(13:44):
I'm spit on here all right. Apparently I have a trainee,
but I don't want to, you know, miss anything. I'm
here to answer all your questions. And the answer to
your first one is you will be assembling new one. Okay?
Oh crazy? So I'm making a robot then? Not yet? Also,
we had a fifth friend. Good news, he's been sent
(14:07):
out on his first mission. Now I'm knock on, just
knock on the door. Okay, who is it? What do
I say? Just tell I'm not opening the door. The door.
The butterfly sings. The butterfly sings only when the wing
that's the ground, touch the ground, so the sounds. So
(14:29):
the sound goes all the way up, goes all the
way up, touch it down, touch it down, and no
one knows no on the whisper. Whisper goes all the way.
It sounds like there's two people out there. I'm not
opening the goddamn door. You're supposed to come alone all
the way. Let me finish. Okay, here dies the person
start from the beginning, and I'm not finished yet. Okay,
(14:56):
are you finished? That's something? Hey, I gotta go. Okay,
I gotta go. I gotta go. And I opened the door.
If there's another person out there, I'm gonna kill you. Yeah,
no one else out here. I'm gonna I mean I
have I'm opening the door in my hand for the
money is for you. Be nobody else there, No, sir,
(15:18):
don't spend it anywhere. Okay, well, just don't spend it
anywere don't spend Who are you? That's my shadow? Okay,
well come in quick before the shadow follows you. Okay, Hey,
what goes on in here? What goes on? And have fun?
Who was that my shadow? All right, well, we do
a lot of drugs. When we'll make the drugs over
in this corner over here, we'll package the drugs in
(15:41):
this corner. Here, we market the drugs in this corner
over here, in this final corner, we just send it
out to these These are our salesman. Alright, guys, now
we'll focus up because when we're selling drugs, we're selling drugs, right, okay,
Well the things driving me crazy? Andy, okay, Tom, okay,
(16:02):
now great, just come up here. Tell me how if
I was a guy who wanted drugs that would you
tell them me? Hey, would you like to purchase some
drugs from me? Alright? Anyone know what was wrong about that?
He used the wood drugs? Okay, good, good point, But
there's a major issue. He engaged in the selling of them.
Very very good. I don't think I know you. Who
(16:24):
are what's your name? Keith? Keith? Keith? Very nice suit.
Uh yeah, So because this guy wants to sell to
the high class, that's rat I'm here to represent the reach.
Wait a minute, why's he got that ere piece in?
Then maybe he's deaf? Are you deaf? No? I got
you security out? All right? Well, sub coda fucking norc
(16:50):
are you sub called to fucking noc not some kind
of fucking no? No, we called accaid. He's a bro.
I mean, you know, I'm from Kentucky, so sometimes slip
out and in and out of Kentucky because I'm not
completely proud necessarily. Now do you see the division that's
(17:10):
happening within the within the sales scene? Do you feel that? Yeah?
I like being accused. That's cool. Let's stay cohesive. Yeah,
because we gotta hit these quotas. Who quotas for this?
U cool? Okay? Our quotas right now for selling cocaine? Yeah,
we gotta move about two. We were going to use
code words, okay, okay, okay, so instead of cocaine, we're
(17:32):
using white powder? Right? Is that good? Or it was
a little on the nose? Alright? All right? All right?
I love that. See we can have fun. We can
have fun. Anybody have any Okay, who wants Let's put
up some code names for cocaine. Huh, what do we got?
What do we got? I liked I've always like yeah, yo,
(17:55):
yeah yo one buggers cool. Yeah, how about some but
but but number number stuff that not? Do we not
like that but stuff? I mean I like it, but
I don't know if I would call it cocaine. Okay, okay,
fair but stuff anything else? Um, just tapping on the nose.
(18:19):
Tapping on the nose, right, I find that to be helpful. Yeah,
I mean, I'm I'm pretty sure Gerbert's fine, right, guys.
He's in the field, so he's all right. He has
plenty of support in the field, okay, because you know,
we're stuck together for a long time. I mean, we're family,
(18:40):
and we don't like the idea that one of our
famili has been Oh no, we'll give you progress reports
as they came in. But I needed this point though.
We all got knocked in our heads and forgot our
training and somehow we are just left to the wilderness
and we gotta piece things together and they get back
to CIA in Langley. Are the three of you surprised
at all that still a trainee as the ranking three
(19:04):
oh four on this family here? Uh, I'm I'm pretty
comfortable with him still being a trainee. Okay, good, I mean, honestly,
me too. If I'm not ready, I ain't ready, but
I just want to make sure I got it down. Yeah,
you definitely got it down, and you're not ready. So
I just need one quick thing. I'll go around quickly
answer as as the first thing that pops into your head. Alright, ready, alright,
(19:27):
three or four, We'll start with you. If I said yellow,
you'd say river, very good, pink, what perfect green in
uh huh? And the trainee. Finally, if I say black,
you say, all right, man, I was just fucking with
(19:58):
you this time. We know that we got to give
the badges back. No, no, no, no, there's no reason
to give the badges back. Your majesty, Your majesty, Your majesty,
what farting in on me and my private chambers. I'm sorry,
your majesty. We just have an Asians who are in
(20:19):
your service some what Asans in your lovers? Yes? Right,
I know I've always had agents in my service. What
did you do? The problem with these just irresponsible? They
are not able to be molded into the thing that
we need for them to do. Or you don't know
what I'm saying. Look, there's there's several operatives in the
field at the moment right now that have invaded a
drug smuggling cartail within London. Right, We've been invading drug
(20:44):
smuggling cartels in London for a long time. I don't
see what the problem is with this forever reason to
believe that one of the operators have been turned turned
into a turned into into a toad, like into a
drug dealer. Yes, yeah, they've they've turned into this penally.
The streets had been flattered with some kind of shine.
(21:05):
Oh well, well we must do something to neutralize. And
if we're going to do anything, you know, it's send
in those new agents three or four, three oh seven
nineties something or other and that trainee. Have them go
kill that one showing the trainee IM and the train
let the trainee, you know, we just bring the trainee
to me. I'm afraid we're out of time. Maybe we
(21:31):
can come back to that one day. Oh please, I
want to just meet the trainees somewhere down the line yet,
are scene to come from? Jeremy Johnson who I was
listening to you on a run in a not yet
springtime Minnesota when an idea hit me. An aspiring actress,
(21:54):
Well that's going to be a good one today. Aspiring
actress who couldn't quite cut. It turned to be a
nine on one operator. She never quite kicked the performing bug, however,
and uses her calls as her personal spotlight. She behaves
in a manner of inappropriate um to her present job,
more appropriate to the theater, but wildly not terribly helpful
(22:17):
to others. Keep up a good work and make it
look so damn crazy and fun. I left to myself
on my trip through Italy. Well done, Jeremy Johnson. Uh
so glad. As you understand, we've had some some complaints.
I don't understand how a single complaint can be coming.
I'm let me play this tape back for you, okay,
(22:40):
Oh sure, Oh god, oh God, help me please? I
wish I could. How much danger are you in? I
don't know. I'm looking to close it right now here.
I'm scared to know if I feel safe. They're probably
outside of my dorgree. You're pretty Oh my god, he's
(23:02):
talking about my doll collection. Hopefully talk about talking about me,
pretty pretty doll. He's pretty talking about please just said
and seen. Okay, So as you can see, h you're
not being as helpful as we thought you might be
(23:22):
when we hired you. You know, in retrospect. Listening to that,
I totally agree with you, but now having to shed
the light on it, I go over the list again.
The first thing you say is what is the nature
of your call? Okay, yeah, let me write that down.
Well it's no that's been written for you. Where where
didn't script? We'll provide you with a new one chief
(23:45):
sort to interrupt these. I don't know what they are.
I think they look like Shakespearean quotes are being left
laminated on my door. Actually, if you could just hand
that to me, all right, Yeah, so there was a
laminated those sides, Well they were laminated. I was making
photo copies. See, I'll tell you what, if you wouldn't mind,
(24:07):
I'd like you to shadow another nine one one. If
it's really I feel like I'm ready for prime time.
I don't need to again. These they're the kind of
verbiage that gets you in trouble. Watch how it's done
by another professional and see if you can adapt. All right,
all right, all right, hi, good, good, good to see you, Larry.
This is glad. You know what you're you're doing. You know,
(24:32):
just you're being here is really is really helping people.
It makes them makes them feel better. I'm sure. Um, yeah,
so if you if you want to just yeah, I'm
just I'm just gonna start taking some calls and you'll
see how it's done. Okay, okay, you see how his
board is lit up. That means he has income and go, okay,
note on one. What's your emergency? Oh god, oh god,
there's a fire? Okay, sir, I'm gonna need you to
calm down and tell can we can we just one moment?
(24:55):
Could you could? Could you hold one second? I'm sorry,
could you hold him? I guess, sir? Please, the scriptals
I have says this starts with what is the nature
of your call? Okay, I don't want to be said,
what is your emergency? Yeah, but I'm just trying to
stick to script. If we're improvising here, I'm fine with that.
I just need to know. Okay, I apologize it, didn't
(25:17):
mean to improvise it. I'm gonna take them off. Hold okay, okay, okay,
thank you glad. I'm sorry. Okay, sir? What is your address?
What is my address? Yes? Where are you located? Seventeen
forty five Wave and seventeen forty five Waveland. Okay, I'm
like the porn start like the porn start great, Seve Waveland,
I'm writing that down at We're we're dispatching. We're dispatching
(25:39):
a fire truck out there, Sorr. Are you in an
area where you can be? Were you getting ventilation? Are
you in danger of the fire? Should you? Uh? How ventilated?
Does it need to be? Sorry? I'm sorry? Could you
just put them on a hold first second? Could you? What?
Could you? You know what? This is actually harder than
I expected, its avation, this call, in particular, I was
(26:00):
trained when I was younger that in case of fire,
you stopped dropping rolling. I didn't want to interrupt because
I'm shadowing you, but maybe you should tell him to
stop drop and roll, glads. The truth of matter is
you did, in fact interrupt. I need you to silent.
I am like a fly on the wall. I'm gonna
I'm gonna take him off hold right now. Thank you. Okay,
So the roof, the roof, the roof's on fire. Uh
(26:23):
do you have any water? We don't need any water.
Let let it burn, Let it burn. All right, we're
sending somewhere. Someone is on the way. Puts on the way,
the fire department, get the loud sirens. Okay, okay, would
you like? What do you mean they're just sending me?
Why can't with the whole department go? There's one guy
(26:45):
is gonna go to the fire. You're a fireman, yeah,
but we just should all go. Look, I'm not gonna
go to the fire. If it's just me, I'm not
gonna go. Well we're gonna dress draw zone. Who goes
to the fight and you just picked me out of nowhere,
you know what I mean, just because you're a trainee.
Come on, come on, this is should noble. You can
get in there and do the fire. Put it down
fineaven right or whatever you want your hand like point
(27:08):
like the port so it's a huge warehouse District five.
Whatever I was off, I'll know the fire when I
see it. There's no I'm not gonna go to that's
on fire. I know wanted you know what a building
looks like when it's on fire. Why would you need
us to go? Because this is great. If I'm gonna
be doing with this, I'm not gonna go. I'm not
gonna Pie's gonna drive, so he'll be drive and you're
(27:34):
call come on, spots going with you? Yeah, dumb dog.
Dumb dogs. That dog's gonna hump everything. You don't say
that about a Dalmatian. It's in bred. Man, that dog
is dumb. We should not be using dalmatians. Am I
the only one who thinks that? Yes, yes, you are
the only one. Thing that you're the only one. Come on, man, alright,
(27:56):
strap on here we go? Do you want me to
strap onto the white canda? Can't I get a seat?
I want to put my coffee on the seat. That's nuts.
Come on, man, it's nuts. Come on, give me a
seat if I gotta go, come on that man, put
(28:17):
your fucking boots on. Man to report a problem. Um,
there is a fireman outside of my apartment spraying my
windows chopped out. I'm just shouting to jump out, yes,
ma'am that I believe he was given nine. Yes, the
(28:41):
fire is actually there's a fire. I'm gonna need you
to come man. I'm gonna put you on hold for
a second. Okay, gladys you're up? Oh me? Okay, okay,
how do I look? Fine? Okay? Answer the phone? What
you look fine? To answer the phone? Okay? Fine, thank you.
(29:03):
I appreciate this woman seems very distraught about a fire.
Down the street from her. I'm just gonna need you
to talk her down the scene with this woman, if
she's going crazy, well, I think you can do it. Okay, fine, Hello,
what is the nature of your call? Fi? Fire? Ma'am?
I'm listening as close as I can, but I don't
have patience. Get the kids. Get I'm sorry. I'm gonna
(29:27):
have to let you go. We'll just don't forget the computer,
all right, ma'am, I'm gonna have to let you go. Well,
I think I saw that one. Everybody that's just hung
up on her. That's that's her again. That's that blinking
light right now. I don't think I want to answer that.
It's just the screaming. People think me anxious. How are
(29:50):
you are you still there? I'm still alone? Oh gosh,
that was your bad. There's a woman screaming. Now, there's
a woman screaming. That woman is at seventeen fifty nine Waveland.
You sure, yes, because she's really bothering me. The fire
isn't bothering you anymore. It's I've gotten used to it.
I'm getting calm. I'm gonna I'm just gonna go to
sleep now. Oh no, it's carbon monoxide. Sleep. No, it's fine. Okay,
(30:14):
it's very peaceful here. Okay, would you would you like
a lullaby? Yes? Okay, let's clear her up. Oh, mom's
gonna buy you lock whisper. Everything's gonna be real good.
You're not my mom. Listen, I wasn't practicing a song. Up.
Let me do my vocal warm ups. Manny mumbling mines.
(30:37):
I'm making men music in the night. Okay, here we go,
go to sleep, Go to sleep. My comis you won't
get I'm going to sleep so peaceful and warm, and
got another one. Glad it's time. Hang up. I think
(30:57):
he was asleep. I've lulled him a bye bye bye. Yeah,
an emergency calling. You put him to sleep? Oh my god,
is that not the right thing to do? Um? Everyone
here new Frank It was a good guy. And uh
what what the corner found obviously was him? Um? It
was only described in the reports as a human chicken nugget,
(31:19):
very burnt human chicken nugget, And um, I was disrespectful
for that. Was gonna keep bringing it up too? Well? Yeah,
you know, as one of his only relatives alive, I
think it's appropriate that we all know what the corner said,
and he was your brother and um a part of
(31:42):
all the corners notes as well, didn't mention that he
had large nipples, which would be impossible looking for leftover
chicken nugget. I feel like to understand, I understand just
just the corners noting is the idea that that that's
all that was left with him was the size of
the chicken nugget, or like it was just one of
(32:02):
his nipples left and it was like a chicken nugget
sized nipple. I mean, all I know is what the
corner said. And if we look at the size of
the casket, we can feel you've spent too much time
talking in the corner. Well, the corner was kind enough
to um let me hang out with him, Kendall, why
don't you let some I just just if we look
at the size of the casket, I think we just
(32:23):
sen three inch by three inch casket and it can
fit the other five people that died in the fire
in there. But I don't know why there's there's fenty
mustard next to the favorite Let me open please, Oh
there it is, okay, great chicken nugg break chicken nuggets.
(32:46):
That's Frank. What happened here? Where is your brother? This
is not funny. Died in the fire? Okay? And are
we all happy? Huh? Are we all happy? Who got?
Who got a Christmas? Is anybody get that nugget? I
mean it does look frankly, don't chicken? Do you know
(33:09):
which one of the six is frank? That one? Because
it looks like a boots, like a very like boots.
Can they all kind of look like boot? That that's cannibalism.
That boot was tasting cannibalism, Like, get a ring full
out of your mouth. It's chicken. Wait, this is a chicken.
There's a gold ring in there. That's frank. They come
(33:29):
with the prize. No, no, I thought that that really
was frank. Oh I'm so sorry for what is this?
Can we all sit back down for a second? Please
sit back down, please? I don't know. Frank tastes like
a chicken. Don't you believe me? Yeah? Yeah? This number one? Yeah?
(33:56):
Wait wait wait wait wait wa wa wait hold on,
let me get my notes. Um, what's the nature of
this call? This call is five friends of mine, just
eight chicken nuggets that we thought were chicken nuggets, but
they were actually are bunn I told Dian, how does
it make you feel like I just like I just
(34:16):
thought he was eating a chicken nugget night at a person?
How do we please send help? What we will? What
can I set help? Write to you? Sir? What's your address?
Seventeen sixty one, Waveland seventeen thirty three, Waveless sixty one.
But alright, guys, strapped up? Alright, this is right gear scenario.
(34:38):
We get guys eating people over at the Uh. What
the hell is it called? What the word fire? No? No, no,
no no. What's the word I'm looking for? No no, no,
no someone else house? No no no. It's like a nickname.
No no, no, no, no no no. It's a good man.
It's a globalism for the thing. What the fund is? Close?
(35:03):
Big boys, big know? What the hell is it? Uh? Okay?
Location location tours sounds like the first word. It's the
first word and number. It sounds like sounds like rug. Right, oh,
it sounds like right, Tim's house, Tim's house? Not can't
it does sounds like google? TAM's house. Does sound like
(35:25):
make sure to put in those shells in the shocking. Okay,
we're using live ammunition. Boys, you understand what I'm saying,
we're going in. Hot, We're going in. Alright, we're strapping up,
strapping up, strapping down. Alright, what everyone's strapped on? What
hell are we listening to? The trainee? Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know why we're listening to the training. All right.
Now we're going What the hell's the name of the
place we kind of need to know? Yeah, funeral home. Oh,
(35:54):
I think we'll drive around. We'll know what it is home.
We're google home, all right? It um something else? I
was supposed to say, Sure, maybe we can think about
it in the drive. Yeah, I'm sure, it's fine. Let's
do it. Okay, let's go. You gonna drive. I don't
know why did no one move, barely listening to the training?
(36:17):
We're doing this, Yeah, we're doing this. I'm not I'm
not part of the team. If we bring the dog,
do you? Yes, chihuahua? Alright, make no sense? Alright? Make
sure in bread? It is? There? Is it? All dogs
are in bread, A lot of them. Sure, that's great, man,
(36:37):
I have seen I've seen it go down. It's disgusted.
Do you have you figured out where we're gone? Yes,
we're going to the funeral home. Yeah, alright, that really
is what you're trying to think about. Yeah, they're eating
dead bodies, Like I don't know, it doesn't seem like
something that we got to deal with. Why don't we
just go to McDonald's. Hey, they got nuggets. That's what
you all want to do? Yeah, they want to just
(36:58):
say effort, we're not gonna take the call, and then
he yeah, hi, welcome, McDonald's gonna take you. Yeah, what
do you guys want? I'd like a Frank when we're
Frank can culture of the mind, please Frank? Thank all right? Yeah,
(37:19):
two francs to Franc's. We don't have hot dogs? What
they don't have hot dogs? No? No, no women? Frank
like that. It was a dumb joke about a fan.
I was thinking, how would I know that? Because see, hey,
hey Mr McDonald's man, Yeah, assistant manager. Oh why is
(37:39):
he working the drive? Is because there's not somebody's can
call out three people called that's roight people. That's rough.
You never you ever have an insight joke with somebody? Sure,
yeah I got one run now okay, ready, yeah, shoes.
I don't know what I mean, but it's probably Sorry,
great that's great. You guys are okay, so you know
(38:00):
a couple of yeah, yeah, all right, I'm going next
door and what else? Uh huh. It's a kind of
lining up behind you. Yeah, I mean I was. I
wasn't hungry when I go off. Called Gladys over. Not
even want to dis beatchee if she wants anything. Hold
on one second, let me just oh, hey, hey, you
(38:24):
know who this is? Automatically? I mean I not know,
not enough to know your name, but I've heard that voice.
Is this an emergency? You know? It's nature? What's the
nature if your call? Nature of mc call is I'm
trying to get your order? You want to take me
out to eat? Yeah? No, I really do. I want
to know what your orders? Okay McDonald's. Come on, we
(38:45):
can go somewhere better than that. Look, you want someone
for McDonald's or not sure? Sure, I'll get a whopper.
It's a all right, yeah, I mean you're going to
hold on one second. I just kind of put something
over there, this bell that keeps bringing at me. There
we go, Gladys. What does a call from Britain? You
gotta take it? Okay? All right? Fine, fine, you don't
(39:06):
recognize the Ring. I didn't recognize the ring, but I
really like Shakespeare. Where for art thou is the problem?
Oh yeah, we're a group of former moonshiners turned secret agents,
and that overseas there's Corgis everywhere. I don't know what
(39:27):
the is going on. The queen wanted us to kill
our friend, and then an entire plot ensued. But we
didn't do that. We wound up. We're all back together
and better for it. I'm sure we make sure that
the trainee even has an opportunity to tell us that
the Corgies are inbred? Mat Can I do that? I'm sorry,
I'm having a hard time hearing. Everybody is a speaker phone.
(39:48):
Rule of threes, buddy rulers, Yeah, I mean those. I
mean look at the way they look, man, that ain't natural.
There's no wolf in the wild like that. I couldn't
go to send a crack team of firefighters. What a
great button. Our third and final today comes from Summer,
(40:16):
who wrote Howdy from Texas, Oh Boy, listeners. Since day
one here, I shame your podcast during my lunch hour
at work, and some days it is the only thing
that helps me retain what little sanity I have left.
I haven't seen idea simply titled driving test gone wrong.
(40:38):
Once again, thanks for your great work and hope you
all have a beautiful day. Sincerely, Summer. Okay, so it's
in first gear now, all right? And then you know again,
we could have taken out an automatic car. No, I well,
this is the way cars were supposed to be driven.
So this is it's the only one we have with
the stick shifts. So that's fine. There are seven others
(41:00):
we could choose if you're not comfortable fund a car
is a car ready to start? Were you taught with
I was, yes, I was actually my grandfather. It's a
fun out on the outskirts of town over by Brumbick. Yeah,
and there's a but it's about sixteen acres of farmland
(41:21):
and uh wide swaths of hills and whatnot. And there's
actually this a really nice lake right by it, like cruisers.
Would you like to just maybe drive us over there?
I mean, yeah, I don't, I don't mind. I mean
you know how to get back there to eight hours drive?
I don't want doing it and strap in. So part
of the reason how that was just being out there's
(41:42):
a kid, was that there was all this wildlife and
the fauna, which some people mistakenly think of as yeah,
we maybe want to pull away from the lighte okay, Uh,
I just want to finish the story. And uh, there
there was all this wildlife and fauna. People think faina
is is dear, but it's not. Faina is actually fan leaves.
(42:08):
That's an eight winner. Let's go around, not how driving works,
and um, you're in front of him, I understand. I
just don't want to talk about up on the clunch.
Go ahead. And so there was this family deer and
the deer that was so beautiful. And actually, you realize
this is a test, right that I'm conducting. I understanding,
(42:28):
and you pass or fail? Right now? It's not going well? Right,
But if I pause the test, then how can I
be crazy? So, uh, let me get that Hello, Hey,
how's the test going? In the middle of the test
him and called me later, Oh sure, sure, sure, Kylie,
love you. Okay, So let's not take calls during the test.
(42:49):
I understand I wasn't driving, so I didn't think that
was a problem, right, But I need you to drip.
I understand, Just go around. He's not gonna go around.
And so one of the craziest things about the deer
is Skype. Yeah, I guys Skype text and uh that
one second. I know the boxes should be delivered tuesday,
and it was just so beautiful to see you. I
(43:16):
am just coming the back. Yeah, this is not a pull,
so don't worry. Okay, but there's another guy in the front.
I know. I told you it's not a pulse, so
don't worry to just get what does he have a break? Uh,
just it's I'm doing a driving test. Just get in, okay,
So I have no problem with this. By if it
helps what was your name again? My name is Jergger.
(43:36):
That's right. If it helps Jergger, then get his driver's license.
We appreciate your assistance. You don't have your license yet. No,
I'm taking the test. Okay, but you're on here's an
uber driver, so I am. He's enterprising. Where where so
you know where he's going? Let's go there? You got
my address? Yeah, but we first got to go to
the lake first and about eight hour driving then head back. Okay,
(44:00):
I'm okay with that. Just go around. Hold on Jesus great, No,
it should if it's laminated, and then you can just
put it in the desk, and so I'm telling the
story about my grandfather's property or I grew up and
why I'm driving stick shifting. It's just huge property, you know,
(44:22):
tony somewhat acres and rolling hills, beautiful cool trees, and
there's just fantastic lake and next to lake where there's funa,
and people think the fauna is it's dear, what do
you think? Fauna? Animals, flora, flora's plants and funa. That's wrong,
that's wrong. No, no, no, that's wrong. I grew up.
(44:44):
I grew up on all large property. Did you pay
attention when you grew up on the farm the way
you're paying attention now to these, of course, instructions of
driving the car. Of course, so you didn't know anything.
Oh I knew a lot. I know how to take
your lamps and the fauna. I'll tell you what. Why
don't you continue telling your story. I'm gonna drive this
gentleman to where he needs to go. You have failed
(45:04):
this test. Wait wait wait, wait, it's okay. No wait,
we can take it again. No no, I gotta take
it now. No no, no, no, okay, listen, no listen,
this is a bowie knife. Okay, This is a fucking
Bowie knife. It's my granddad's. Okay, he got this in
World War two. He didn't fight. Hold on a second,
all right, yeah, draw me to hold the knife for
(45:25):
one second, thank you, And okay, where'ld you like to go? Sir?
It's hot? You get the addresses? Sorry, given the knie back. Okay,
Now he got this knife. Okay, you got the knife
in World War two. He didn't fight in the war. Okay,
all right here, Bowie knife were invented, yeah, by David Bowie.
(45:45):
I think I know that. Okay, it's Jim Jim Bowie,
Jim Booe, Jim Bowie. Then what do we call the
Bowie knife? Look out the tug boat man. Now look,
it's an eighteen wheel of chug voted scaring meat and
all my mirrors. Now look, I gotta take this test
and I gotta make sure I pass it today. Okay,
then just ease up on the clutch and give it
(46:07):
a little gas and let's get going. Let me just
finish the story. So now I was saying I used
to go around there and I used just the fun
that word. I mean, if you don't know what it means,
I know what it means it's a fan plant. Okay.
So my my granddam migam on my cos we'd all
(46:29):
go out there and we'd hunt the deer, and there's
this beautiful family of of of the Florida's Florian's Florian.
It's it's a grouping of deer's all right, Yeah, no,
I don't think that it is. I grew up on
twenties about acres in the land, all right, And so
they would all go there's about maybe about fifty to
sixty hundred heads of the deer that. Would you ever
(46:51):
hear anyone in your family refer to you as the
Fredo carlone of the family. No, no, no, one wasn't
telling him. Okay, so up, maybe you're tying. No, I'm stick. No,
it's just a left left. Just stop the car. Hello, Hi,
how's the test going. I'm in the middle of it.
(47:14):
Everything that's right, that's right, okay, alright, let's get you
away from this house. Let's get you away from this
I'm not letting you off. I'm not gonna give you
what I think we know what's happening is burning. Okay,
now let me just just give me the interstate here.
So uh, I pull off to this up on my house.
(47:35):
All right, So now think about this. Huh when you're
skin into the air, what's the first thing? You're an
emerge lane? Here, go around my hazards, draw on. Now,
what do you think happens. I've never had a student
driver pull over on a freeway merge before, so thank
(47:57):
you for that. I personally never experienced it. There's no
way for you to pass this test, so if you
wouldn't mind, Oh God, I need you to go to
the backseat to let me get this general. I need.
I need to pass this. I need to understand my wife.
I'd like to understand your wife, Scott. She's got this.
She's got bad feet, souls, and she can't drive. There's
(48:18):
too squshy severtimes. She touched the pedal, the pedal goes
into her foot in Yes, so I got to be
the one to drive on her feet. Yes, So I
gotta pass this. Okay, I gotta pass this. You don't understand,
all right, I do understand. I don't want to be
in There's something else I understand. There's no way you
could see into the future to a time when you
(48:39):
will pass this test. That's how far off and distant.
That's not true. My grandfather. Here have this necklace, Oh
my god, a tooth. Yes, And inside this tooth, inside
this tooth, the whistle. Yes. If you blow it hard enough,
you can see the future. Right, that's what That's what was.
There's a whistle in the tooth. You blow, you see
the future grew eight things that wouldn't we are three
(49:15):
or four? Here? A three four is scared? What's going on?
Agent three? Oh, cheven, I don't know how the hell
this happened, but somehow we just jumped into this car
with two breaks seven. Agent nine, I knew we were
time traveling. Can you see into the future for me? Yeah?
(49:38):
What was? What was the thing? The fact they're still
telling that dear story. Okay, and you haven't passed the tests. No, no,
we all know that you haven't passed the test and
found our animals. Oh god, I don't know what he
(49:58):
said was true at the very I don't know if
we can trust any of that. Then what are you
talking about? Man? Fun? Did you not see that? Do
not see what you got? Did you see it? I'm
waiting for us to pull away. He's up on the cluck.
I just piss, give it a little bit of gay.
I'm sure the trusp kind uts will have patience. He's
(50:20):
laying on it pretty good. You know that's what that is.
That's a communication. He's not being a dick, he's not
being a juror. He's communicating. I'd like you to get going,
please piss myself. So I think the best thing we
can do is just wait for me to dry out
and then we'll continue. George, why don't you just pull
around that car? A man, I got to hear the
(50:41):
end of this story. You get you hit out. You
can hear that story. Yeah, I got that. I got
one of them a little satellite microphones like they got
at the football game. So that's really cool. I can't
hear everything. You are going to come back, and if
it's not about you, name the deer. I never skinned
(51:03):
a deer before. I don't know why we don't just
get out and get into his car and we'll be
able to hear it much better, you know what. Let's
get out and get into it. And I know what
you're thinking. What you're thinking, how can you make a
bone soup with just hair? Right? But if you oh, hey, hey,
can we help you guys. Yeah, well from the truck
that's been honking this whole time. Wait, we're trying to
(51:25):
communicate that we wanted to go around student driver and
he's just having a tough day. Yeah, but I just
wanted to let you know we're really into your whole
the whole story there, the deer in the skin and
all that. But if you wouldn't mind, could you could
you tell it while moving? I don't think that'd be safe?
Is that right? Don't be very very safe? People people
talk and drive all the time. On a second, it's
(51:48):
actually the texting and driving works we're not happy about.
I know you're supposed to do that on Saturday, I
got a sign in my cab says I'm not supposed
to legally. I gotta have that sign in there. Okay,
I'm not I'm not a cab driver. There are now
four of us who would rather drive than you, So
could you get everyone wants to jump on my lap
and drive. I think there's one more thing you can
actually just get out here Noway it's it's my house
(52:15):
is on fire, so I think it maybe you guys
in the truck and give him a ride. Oh yeah,
if you wouldn't mind giving me one to terrific. All right?
Let me just in this Uber five stars, clean car,
good conversation, all right, and good luck to you and
the three stars for you? Three stars? Man? What white?
Three stars? When you're leaving the ride? All right, I'm
(52:39):
changing her to four? Okay, okay, three stars? What you
said you were going to do? What I'm calling nine
on one? Excuse me? What's your Could you state the
emergency that you're having right now? I don't know if
this is an emergency, but oh you might have missed
(52:59):
DIA then no, Well I I intentionally dial nine one one.
But I'm in a car. I'm on an Uber ride
with a student driver. He's he's an adult male in
his thirties who's trying to get his driver's license. There's
a driving instructor here in a couple of truckers. It's
a lot of exposition. Just get to the Carrol, this
is what's happening. Okay, Uh, what's your emotion right now?
(53:25):
My emotion is confusion. Okay, that doesn't sound like an emergency.
I'm so sorry, But you've misused dynam one one. So
you're going to get a bill for missuson. Thank you. Bye. Okay, gladys,
you see what you did wrong on that call? That
wasn't an emergency? Boss? Can you help me out here
with this. You're not supposed to decide what's an emergency.
That's not part of the job. He said he was.
(53:45):
Didn't even let him get to what it was. But
that guy is still in I think he's asleep. He's
not bothering anybody. He's in a fire. A Frank, Fine, Frank,
wake up, Frank, Frank, Frank, I'm not gonna wake up.
There's no way I've seen the future. He's as good
(54:06):
as a chicken nugget. How did you see the future?
Blew in a whistle with the world. Put your hold
Kentucky moon Shine Bridge. Oh that series. That's what happens
when you don't finish your meal. Also, let's thank all
(54:27):
of our wonderful alchemists today and blessings and good tidings
to our own Vanessa Raglan. Yeah with a baby girl. Um,
congratulations to the whole family. Uh, Joey Gray, where can
people find you other than visiting Vanessa Raglan? Uh? You
can find me the Westside Comedy Theater right every second
(54:49):
and fourth Wednesday, nine o'clock. Bear supply Pretty Pretty Pony
every first Thursday of the month and uh Dynasty Typewriter
to check it out dot com. Well, thank you for that.
It's Joey right, yes, but it's Jeffy Greeber on the Instagram,
the instagram James Heeney. Hi. You can find me at
(55:09):
the real James Heeney dot com. I found that it's
a nice little hub that has all the information you
could need about me. Security is hidden somewhere in there.
Also check out James uh instagram doing some art. Yeah,
some great you're doing fan art of our show. I'm
a big fan. I'm a big fan. I don't know
my Instagram handle. I think it's probably the real James Heeney.
(55:32):
I think that's just it's automatically locked in. I just
clicked the button. Yeah, you sound like um one of
the people on Instagram who has like a hundred and
fifty million followers. But I don't know unless it's changed,
I can't. I just hear that all the time. I
don't know what my Instagram name is, you do? I
just yeah. In terms of people promoting themselves, get terrible
(55:56):
way to promote Oh, that's a good point. Three different
Twitter handles at Orange Ducks Improv for improv shows, at Craigslist,
Peacast for movie podcast, and at Kikowski for just my
general vibe. Sweet look up the general vibe a shap
Mark Gagliardi. Yes, thank you so much for Johnny. It's
(56:19):
my pleasure. Thanks for having me back. Where can people
find you? I'm on Twitter at Mark Gags. You just
put out something on social media, though very much delayed
when people are hearing, very much delayed. Yes, as we
went to air, or as we went to as we
started recording, I found out Blood and Treasure just got
a season two Treasure, So please thank you everybody that's watching,
please keep watching Blood Treasure on CBS Tuesday nights at
(56:40):
ten o'clock. Yes, thank you for that. And our genius producer,
we missed him. So your friend did a lovely, lovely job.
But Doug Bain back in the helm, thank you so
much for all of all that you do for us.
Honestly and truly, you are more important to me than
most of the Alchemists. You know, it's known reason to
(57:03):
name names. And our post sound design artist Raphael Britto,
producer Sophie Lictorman and it's lastly, I heart media. I
encourage all of you to write a review, tell everyone
you've ever met, and write to us at your name
here me this dot com. That's your name here at
alcumy this dot com. Until next time, all friends, I'm
(57:24):
Kevin Pollock, your host. Don't forget to the boy
Welcome back to another exciting episode of Alchemy this I'm
your host, Kevin polog Yes, that Kevin Pollock. Well, let's
not get off on the wrong pilm. Okay, No, I
find it best to get off on the left foot.
It's easier to claim. But I digress. Hey, before we
introduce our met firsts our alchemists, let's let's uh, speaking
(00:24):
of getting off, let's give congratulations to our very un Vanessa, right,
who has given birth to a beautiful baby girl whose name,
oddly is Joey Greer. Yeah, well, of course you do.
I think it's a great name. Alright, Speaking of which,
(00:46):
lets we start the show. Stick out your tongue because
Joey grahams here, one bagel and a Greer schmer. Please,
what would you do right now after winning a one
million dollar lottery? What's the first thing to do? Um? Oh,
ship under your head? Uh, let's blow it all cocked.
Let's blow it all right. I was by undershirts unders
(01:11):
how many million dollars? Then you'd sell them? No life,
lifetime you can change your shirt every single day and
have a brand new one. No, I'd wear the one
till it's done. Because you were raised properly, gonna have
an amen, because the good Reverend Heney has the floor
Reverend Jim and Tammy fame. How would you like to
(01:32):
be greeted at the pearly gates with an acceptance letter
like a former letter? Well like que the door opening
and that's a good sign. That's a real good sign. Envelope.
Hey there's Craig Kakowski Ko. What's your earliest memory of
(01:53):
your Halloween costume? And why were you crying? Probably because
it was a store bought Luke ska Walker, which was
like a plastic bib with a picture of Luke Skywalker on.
That's not really a costume. A costume. Walker doesn't wear
a picture of himself. Yeah, you went out as propaganda? Yes,
and last but may disease camel make cocon your cuscush
(02:17):
If you think of leash, it's mark Hello, gagster riches
uh today appropriately? What would your name be if you
were a super popular porn star? Um? Is this one
of those ones where I have to use like my
street name and all that because necessarily because if I
did that version, as I found out in middle school,
(02:38):
my porn name would be thunder Pounds, right, always so great.
I don't know. I don't know. My dog was named
thunder My in. The maiden name in my family was Pounds.
Mine is Rascal willow Brook. Let's go around. That's soft
core to me. Yeah, anybody else want to be Sarah
(03:01):
South Sarah Bummer? Please, that's very Chicago, it is. Let's
see Allegriano South of the Buddher. Let's all right, let's
get to our first scene. All of today's scene suggestions
are gathered from our listener emails. If you'd like to
(03:23):
submit yours, please write to the podcast at your name
here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name here
at alchemy this dot com. Our first team comes to
us from Angelique, who wrote, I work in a greenhouse
eight hours a day listening to garbage until your new
episode is released? What does that sound like? Garbage? Here
(03:44):
is a real challenge. A bunch of backwoods moonshiners are
trying a new recipe. They don't realize how potent it is,
and all black out. They wake up, only to find
out they've somehow become secret agents that could have gone anywhere. Yeah,
I was almost worried. I'm worried now. I pray my
(04:07):
cackle is heard across the whole forty two acres of greenhouse.
That's a big green Dear Lord, much love, Angelique Savoy.
You won't shape out the short all right. I thought
you're gonna witness the whole thing. Oh come on, I
want to make sport out. Good night's clean and clear
and that nic that's real, nice shipper, good hanky. You
(04:30):
won't good at this. Oh here, of course I want
to get some of that fire cook taking big old
stiff one and pass it over to Jingle. Jingle, you
gotta give something to Jangle. Go on now, Jangle wants zip,
buddy Dangle. Just take a sip. Okay, Jingle gonna take
a sit up right now? When did Jingle start talking
(04:52):
to him? Just to Jangle? Just sip Jingle minds. Jingle's
own business, and you should do the same, all right, Jingle,
I don't want to saying anything about Yeah, that's a
good plause. Oh that's good. Take a poll, Stinky, I
don't know about this fellas. You come on, work What
(05:15):
works for Jingle ain't necessarily gonna work for old Stinky.
Come on now, ain't trying to peer pressure. No, I
mean it feels like a peer pressure and me it's
one of them situations like I've seen in the movie
where like the one kid doesn't want the marijuana, but
all the other kids at the party having hold on
the same. Look fellas, I ain't I don't want to
(05:37):
discuss semantics, but what we are doing in this day
and age is significantly more illegal. Then come on, come
all right, and and ceramics get nothing to do that.
Here's the truth of the matter. We gather every day
like this, and we passed the jug. We come around
to you, and you've got some kind of excuses to
not take a poll. Well, jingles one room while you
(06:00):
don't take your You want to know I don't take
a pull. It's what happens when I drink moonshine, blackout. Terrible,
terrible things happen. All right, fine, I'll drink it right
now and something good, maybe it'll happen. Are something bad's
gonna happen. By the way, it's gonna make a couple
more spins around the circle here, So I don't know
(06:23):
how strong is it. We might all black out after one.
I am the way it's gonna happen. Just take a sip,
stinking right. No, that's a good one. Easy. Does what
you do? Girl? Shrinking the rift of the joke? Well,
(06:43):
that's why you black out, stinking this is what happened.
That's good news. I got another judge. I don't feel
so good. You know you're taking one of you're drinking
gerber gerber? How much that jug you drink? I can't
(07:06):
feel my face Just backwash maner jug kind. He's drinking
the whole thing too. Please, h one, this was holy
(07:38):
not not all of it went in his mouth? Much
gonna say very little? How did any of that get
in your mouth? Swallowed? Almost almost? That's what the cows?
So all right, jingle is gonna nurse hiss like a
fine sip in tequila. Give me that. Let me ten
(08:03):
hours later? God, what did we do? Wait? What the hell?
What the hell am I wearing a suit? Why are
you where we all get these suits? The hill? Wait
a minute, look out the window. They're dripping on the
other side of the road. Window. I thought we were
(08:24):
in the woods. What the hell? Not not only are
we in a building, but we're in a building in
another country. Oh, how can we tell it's another Because
you're drowning on the road side of the room. Maybe
we're on the other side of a building. He's got
a good boy. We can be on the wrong side
of the building. Oh man, oh god, I can't be
in the city. I'm a woods guy. I don't do this.
(08:47):
You don't look like a woods guy in that suit.
You look like a city man in that suit. Me
jenem and I'm so sorry. My name is Agent two,
Agent two two like the number. That's exactly right, Agent two,
as in the number between one and three. I'm confused
(09:10):
how you wind up being agent too. I can't imagine
you being anything but confused given your current situation. So
why don't I begin the explanations? Now? Your name formerly
stinky and is now Agent three hundred four, three hundred
and four. They're quite a few of us, and you, sir,
(09:33):
I believe, went by the handled Jingle Jangles Jingle's name, right,
You're going to have to work on that. Your agent
three hundred and seven, three oh seven three away? Does
that make me three away? Its three or four? And
they went to three? Oh so wan the number. I'm sorry,
you're actually what formerly was your name? I'm trying to
(09:54):
find it in the records. I don't see red Rick
Red Yeah, your agent nine hundred four four yes, yes, yes.
And lastly, Calm Doll, Calm Doll, let's see Calm Doll. Ah,
(10:15):
that's my name is that's too Oh sorry, you're still
agent in training. You haven't been assigned in number agents,
just an agent training. Wait a minute, agents. The seven
is confused. Part of her Majesty's secret the sectional character
(10:40):
of James Bond w seven year. Yeah, that's none you
like the Timothy Dalton. Yes, there are group meetings. There
are seven of you actually in the world. You meet
on Thursdays if you'd like to gather and speak to
others of Timothy don't. Did we time travel back to
(11:01):
the times of kings and queens if there's a Majesty, No,
there's currently a royal family. It traveled. Now, you traveled
a great distance, that's true, but not tough timescially a
great distance I assume just across the sea, right, you
pretty much did hop the pond. Yes, that's the extent
(11:23):
of it. I'm real confused, Like, how did I don't
remember anything where we asleep when we got on the plane. Well,
here's a story you're more familiar with, given your geographic locations,
where you all came from, where you were raised. You
have friends in the village, in the marketplace. Talk about
alien the ducttions. Yeah, that's that's us secret. Well alien
(11:56):
in the sense that I'm not American. Yeah, alien hate
that kind of alien. Right. Well, if I may, I'm
gonna get you. You're sort of a chip off the
old block. If you know what I'm saying. You were
the dismissed cousin America number two. I got a question
for you. What is it three or them? And and
(12:17):
our time is in our very brief time, very brief.
Wait a minute, now, I got two questions for you.
Question one is how long were we out? Uh? Sixty
two hours hours? That's almost a year. Holy god, oh
my god. Didn't we do anything real dangerous and cool? Yet? No,
(12:39):
you've pretty much been out and then clothed. I mean,
this suit could not be more finely tailored. It really
does look nice. It is comfortable from top man. From
did you see top man top man? That's clever. No,
you see the Her Majesty's secret her right, the Queen mom,
(13:02):
the queen, not the Queen, the Queen mum. So you're
saying that somebody has the CIA's knocks list and we
gotta find it. Is that, right, listen, trainee, let me
ask this question. So now we've we've given more proof
as to why you have been assigned numb hold on.
I just want to know. Do I have to get
a team together over and steal some stuff from Langley?
(13:23):
Is that what I gotta do? No? No, no, we're
still allies with America, all right? Because look if I
got to get a correct team of one guy who
knows how did computers, another French guy who's good with knives, right,
and I gotta get everyone together, and then I gotta
find out why my team died. Do you think we
got put into the Impossible mission force? I don't know, man,
(13:44):
I'm spit on here all right. Apparently I have a trainee,
but I don't want to, you know, miss anything. I'm
here to answer all your questions. And the answer to
your first one is you will be assembling new one. Okay?
Oh crazy? So I'm making a robot then? Not yet? Also,
we had a fifth friend. Good news, he's been sent
(14:07):
out on his first mission. Now I'm knock on, just
knock on the door. Okay, who is it? What do
I say? Just tell I'm not opening the door. The door.
The butterfly sings. The butterfly sings only when the wing
that's the ground, touch the ground, so the sounds. So
(14:29):
the sound goes all the way up, goes all the
way up, touch it down, touch it down, and no
one knows no on the whisper. Whisper goes all the way.
It sounds like there's two people out there. I'm not
opening the goddamn door. You're supposed to come alone all
the way. Let me finish. Okay, here dies the person
start from the beginning, and I'm not finished yet. Okay,
(14:56):
are you finished? That's something? Hey, I gotta go. Okay,
I gotta go. I gotta go. And I opened the door.
If there's another person out there, I'm gonna kill you. Yeah,
no one else out here. I'm gonna I mean I
have I'm opening the door in my hand for the
money is for you. Be nobody else there, No, sir,
(15:18):
don't spend it anywhere. Okay, well, just don't spend it
anywere don't spend Who are you? That's my shadow? Okay,
well come in quick before the shadow follows you. Okay, Hey,
what goes on in here? What goes on? And have fun?
Who was that my shadow? All right, well, we do
a lot of drugs. When we'll make the drugs over
in this corner over here, we'll package the drugs in
(15:41):
this corner. Here, we market the drugs in this corner
over here, in this final corner, we just send it
out to these These are our salesman. Alright, guys, now
we'll focus up because when we're selling drugs, we're selling drugs, right, okay,
Well the things driving me crazy? Andy, okay, Tom, okay,
(16:02):
now great, just come up here. Tell me how if
I was a guy who wanted drugs that would you
tell them me? Hey, would you like to purchase some
drugs from me? Alright? Anyone know what was wrong about that?
He used the wood drugs? Okay, good, good point, But
there's a major issue. He engaged in the selling of them.
Very very good. I don't think I know you. Who
(16:24):
are what's your name? Keith? Keith? Keith? Very nice suit.
Uh yeah, So because this guy wants to sell to
the high class, that's rat I'm here to represent the reach.
Wait a minute, why's he got that ere piece in?
Then maybe he's deaf? Are you deaf? No? I got
you security out? All right? Well, sub coda fucking norc
(16:50):
are you sub called to fucking noc not some kind
of fucking no? No, we called accaid. He's a bro.
I mean, you know, I'm from Kentucky, so sometimes slip
out and in and out of Kentucky because I'm not
completely proud necessarily. Now do you see the division that's
(17:10):
happening within the within the sales scene? Do you feel that? Yeah?
I like being accused. That's cool. Let's stay cohesive. Yeah,
because we gotta hit these quotas. Who quotas for this?
U cool? Okay? Our quotas right now for selling cocaine? Yeah,
we gotta move about two. We were going to use
code words, okay, okay, okay, so instead of cocaine, we're
(17:32):
using white powder? Right? Is that good? Or it was
a little on the nose? Alright? All right? All right?
I love that. See we can have fun. We can
have fun. Anybody have any Okay, who wants Let's put
up some code names for cocaine. Huh, what do we got?
What do we got? I liked I've always like yeah, yo,
(17:55):
yeah yo one buggers cool. Yeah, how about some but
but but number number stuff that not? Do we not
like that but stuff? I mean I like it, but
I don't know if I would call it cocaine. Okay, okay,
fair but stuff anything else? Um, just tapping on the nose.
(18:19):
Tapping on the nose, right, I find that to be helpful. Yeah,
I mean, I'm I'm pretty sure Gerbert's fine, right, guys.
He's in the field, so he's all right. He has
plenty of support in the field, okay, because you know,
we're stuck together for a long time. I mean, we're family,
(18:40):
and we don't like the idea that one of our
famili has been Oh no, we'll give you progress reports
as they came in. But I needed this point though.
We all got knocked in our heads and forgot our
training and somehow we are just left to the wilderness
and we gotta piece things together and they get back
to CIA in Langley. Are the three of you surprised
at all that still a trainee as the ranking three
(19:04):
oh four on this family here? Uh, I'm I'm pretty
comfortable with him still being a trainee. Okay, good, I mean, honestly,
me too. If I'm not ready, I ain't ready, but
I just want to make sure I got it down. Yeah,
you definitely got it down, and you're not ready. So
I just need one quick thing. I'll go around quickly
answer as as the first thing that pops into your head. Alright, ready, alright,
(19:27):
three or four, We'll start with you. If I said yellow,
you'd say river, very good, pink, what perfect green in
uh huh? And the trainee. Finally, if I say black,
you say, all right, man, I was just fucking with
(19:58):
you this time. We know that we got to give
the badges back. No, no, no, no, there's no reason
to give the badges back. Your majesty, Your majesty, Your majesty,
what farting in on me and my private chambers. I'm sorry,
your majesty. We just have an Asians who are in
(20:19):
your service some what Asans in your lovers? Yes? Right,
I know I've always had agents in my service. What
did you do? The problem with these just irresponsible? They
are not able to be molded into the thing that
we need for them to do. Or you don't know
what I'm saying. Look, there's there's several operatives in the
field at the moment right now that have invaded a
drug smuggling cartail within London. Right, We've been invading drug
(20:44):
smuggling cartels in London for a long time. I don't
see what the problem is with this forever reason to
believe that one of the operators have been turned turned
into a turned into into a toad, like into a
drug dealer. Yes, yeah, they've they've turned into this penally.
The streets had been flattered with some kind of shine.
(21:05):
Oh well, well we must do something to neutralize. And
if we're going to do anything, you know, it's send
in those new agents three or four, three oh seven
nineties something or other and that trainee. Have them go
kill that one showing the trainee IM and the train
let the trainee, you know, we just bring the trainee
to me. I'm afraid we're out of time. Maybe we
(21:31):
can come back to that one day. Oh please, I
want to just meet the trainees somewhere down the line yet,
are scene to come from? Jeremy Johnson who I was
listening to you on a run in a not yet
springtime Minnesota when an idea hit me. An aspiring actress,
(21:54):
Well that's going to be a good one today. Aspiring
actress who couldn't quite cut. It turned to be a
nine on one operator. She never quite kicked the performing bug, however,
and uses her calls as her personal spotlight. She behaves
in a manner of inappropriate um to her present job,
more appropriate to the theater, but wildly not terribly helpful
(22:17):
to others. Keep up a good work and make it
look so damn crazy and fun. I left to myself
on my trip through Italy. Well done, Jeremy Johnson. Uh
so glad. As you understand, we've had some some complaints.
I don't understand how a single complaint can be coming.
I'm let me play this tape back for you, okay,
(22:40):
Oh sure, Oh god, oh God, help me please? I
wish I could. How much danger are you in? I
don't know. I'm looking to close it right now here.
I'm scared to know if I feel safe. They're probably
outside of my dorgree. You're pretty Oh my god, he's
(23:02):
talking about my doll collection. Hopefully talk about talking about me,
pretty pretty doll. He's pretty talking about please just said
and seen. Okay, So as you can see, h you're
not being as helpful as we thought you might be
(23:22):
when we hired you. You know, in retrospect. Listening to that,
I totally agree with you, but now having to shed
the light on it, I go over the list again.
The first thing you say is what is the nature
of your call? Okay, yeah, let me write that down.
Well it's no that's been written for you. Where where
didn't script? We'll provide you with a new one chief
(23:45):
sort to interrupt these. I don't know what they are.
I think they look like Shakespearean quotes are being left
laminated on my door. Actually, if you could just hand
that to me, all right, Yeah, so there was a
laminated those sides, Well they were laminated. I was making
photo copies. See, I'll tell you what, if you wouldn't mind,
(24:07):
I'd like you to shadow another nine one one. If
it's really I feel like I'm ready for prime time.
I don't need to again. These they're the kind of
verbiage that gets you in trouble. Watch how it's done
by another professional and see if you can adapt. All right,
all right, all right, hi, good, good, good to see you, Larry.
This is glad. You know what you're you're doing. You know,
(24:32):
just you're being here is really is really helping people.
It makes them makes them feel better. I'm sure. Um, yeah,
so if you if you want to just yeah, I'm
just I'm just gonna start taking some calls and you'll
see how it's done. Okay, okay, you see how his
board is lit up. That means he has income and go, okay,
note on one. What's your emergency? Oh god, oh god,
there's a fire? Okay, sir, I'm gonna need you to
calm down and tell can we can we just one moment?
(24:55):
Could you could? Could you hold one second? I'm sorry,
could you hold him? I guess, sir? Please, the scriptals
I have says this starts with what is the nature
of your call? Okay, I don't want to be said,
what is your emergency? Yeah, but I'm just trying to
stick to script. If we're improvising here, I'm fine with that.
I just need to know. Okay, I apologize it, didn't
(25:17):
mean to improvise it. I'm gonna take them off. Hold okay, okay, okay,
thank you glad. I'm sorry. Okay, sir? What is your address?
What is my address? Yes? Where are you located? Seventeen
forty five Wave and seventeen forty five Waveland. Okay, I'm
like the porn start like the porn start great, Seve Waveland,
I'm writing that down at We're we're dispatching. We're dispatching
(25:39):
a fire truck out there, Sorr. Are you in an
area where you can be? Were you getting ventilation? Are
you in danger of the fire? Should you? Uh? How ventilated?
Does it need to be? Sorry? I'm sorry? Could you
just put them on a hold first second? Could you? What?
Could you? You know what? This is actually harder than
I expected, its avation, this call, in particular, I was
(26:00):
trained when I was younger that in case of fire,
you stopped dropping rolling. I didn't want to interrupt because
I'm shadowing you, but maybe you should tell him to
stop drop and roll, glads. The truth of matter is
you did, in fact interrupt. I need you to silent.
I am like a fly on the wall. I'm gonna
I'm gonna take him off hold right now. Thank you. Okay,
So the roof, the roof, the roof's on fire. Uh
(26:23):
do you have any water? We don't need any water.
Let let it burn, Let it burn. All right, we're
sending somewhere. Someone is on the way. Puts on the way,
the fire department, get the loud sirens. Okay, okay, would
you like? What do you mean they're just sending me?
Why can't with the whole department go? There's one guy
(26:45):
is gonna go to the fire. You're a fireman, yeah,
but we just should all go. Look, I'm not gonna
go to the fire. If it's just me, I'm not
gonna go. Well we're gonna dress draw zone. Who goes
to the fight and you just picked me out of nowhere,
you know what I mean, just because you're a trainee.
Come on, come on, this is should noble. You can
get in there and do the fire. Put it down
fineaven right or whatever you want your hand like point
(27:08):
like the port so it's a huge warehouse District five.
Whatever I was off, I'll know the fire when I
see it. There's no I'm not gonna go to that's
on fire. I know wanted you know what a building
looks like when it's on fire. Why would you need
us to go? Because this is great. If I'm gonna
be doing with this, I'm not gonna go. I'm not
gonna Pie's gonna drive, so he'll be drive and you're
(27:34):
call come on, spots going with you? Yeah, dumb dog.
Dumb dogs. That dog's gonna hump everything. You don't say
that about a Dalmatian. It's in bred. Man, that dog
is dumb. We should not be using dalmatians. Am I
the only one who thinks that? Yes, yes, you are
the only one. Thing that you're the only one. Come on, man, alright,
(27:56):
strap on here we go? Do you want me to
strap onto the white canda? Can't I get a seat?
I want to put my coffee on the seat. That's nuts.
Come on, man, it's nuts. Come on, give me a
seat if I gotta go, come on that man, put
(28:17):
your fucking boots on. Man to report a problem. Um,
there is a fireman outside of my apartment spraying my
windows chopped out. I'm just shouting to jump out, yes,
ma'am that I believe he was given nine. Yes, the
(28:41):
fire is actually there's a fire. I'm gonna need you
to come man. I'm gonna put you on hold for
a second. Okay, gladys you're up? Oh me? Okay, okay,
how do I look? Fine? Okay? Answer the phone? What
you look fine? To answer the phone? Okay? Fine, thank you.
(29:03):
I appreciate this woman seems very distraught about a fire.
Down the street from her. I'm just gonna need you
to talk her down the scene with this woman, if
she's going crazy, well, I think you can do it. Okay, fine, Hello,
what is the nature of your call? Fi? Fire? Ma'am?
I'm listening as close as I can, but I don't
have patience. Get the kids. Get I'm sorry. I'm gonna
(29:27):
have to let you go. We'll just don't forget the computer,
all right, ma'am, I'm gonna have to let you go. Well,
I think I saw that one. Everybody that's just hung
up on her. That's that's her again. That's that blinking
light right now. I don't think I want to answer that.
It's just the screaming. People think me anxious. How are
(29:50):
you are you still there? I'm still alone? Oh gosh,
that was your bad. There's a woman screaming. Now, there's
a woman screaming. That woman is at seventeen fifty nine Waveland.
You sure, yes, because she's really bothering me. The fire
isn't bothering you anymore. It's I've gotten used to it.
I'm getting calm. I'm gonna I'm just gonna go to
sleep now. Oh no, it's carbon monoxide. Sleep. No, it's fine. Okay,
(30:14):
it's very peaceful here. Okay, would you would you like
a lullaby? Yes? Okay, let's clear her up. Oh, mom's
gonna buy you lock whisper. Everything's gonna be real good.
You're not my mom. Listen, I wasn't practicing a song. Up.
Let me do my vocal warm ups. Manny mumbling mines.
(30:37):
I'm making men music in the night. Okay, here we go,
go to sleep, Go to sleep. My comis you won't
get I'm going to sleep so peaceful and warm, and
got another one. Glad it's time. Hang up. I think
(30:57):
he was asleep. I've lulled him a bye bye bye. Yeah,
an emergency calling. You put him to sleep? Oh my god,
is that not the right thing to do? Um? Everyone
here new Frank It was a good guy. And uh
what what the corner found obviously was him? Um? It
was only described in the reports as a human chicken nugget,
(31:19):
very burnt human chicken nugget, And um, I was disrespectful
for that. Was gonna keep bringing it up too? Well? Yeah,
you know, as one of his only relatives alive, I
think it's appropriate that we all know what the corner said,
and he was your brother and um a part of
(31:42):
all the corners notes as well, didn't mention that he
had large nipples, which would be impossible looking for leftover
chicken nugget. I feel like to understand, I understand just
just the corners noting is the idea that that that's
all that was left with him was the size of
the chicken nugget, or like it was just one of
(32:02):
his nipples left and it was like a chicken nugget
sized nipple. I mean, all I know is what the
corner said. And if we look at the size of
the casket, we can feel you've spent too much time
talking in the corner. Well, the corner was kind enough
to um let me hang out with him, Kendall, why
don't you let some I just just if we look
at the size of the casket, I think we just
(32:23):
sen three inch by three inch casket and it can
fit the other five people that died in the fire
in there. But I don't know why there's there's fenty
mustard next to the favorite Let me open please, Oh
there it is, okay, great chicken nugg break chicken nuggets.
(32:46):
That's Frank. What happened here? Where is your brother? This
is not funny. Died in the fire? Okay? And are
we all happy? Huh? Are we all happy? Who got?
Who got a Christmas? Is anybody get that nugget? I
mean it does look frankly, don't chicken? Do you know
(33:09):
which one of the six is frank? That one? Because
it looks like a boots, like a very like boots.
Can they all kind of look like boot? That that's cannibalism.
That boot was tasting cannibalism, Like, get a ring full
out of your mouth. It's chicken. Wait, this is a chicken.
There's a gold ring in there. That's frank. They come
(33:29):
with the prize. No, no, I thought that that really
was frank. Oh I'm so sorry for what is this?
Can we all sit back down for a second? Please
sit back down, please? I don't know. Frank tastes like
a chicken. Don't you believe me? Yeah? Yeah? This number one? Yeah?
(33:56):
Wait wait wait wait wait wa wa wait hold on,
let me get my notes. Um, what's the nature of
this call? This call is five friends of mine, just
eight chicken nuggets that we thought were chicken nuggets, but
they were actually are bunn I told Dian, how does
it make you feel like I just like I just
(34:16):
thought he was eating a chicken nugget night at a person?
How do we please send help? What we will? What
can I set help? Write to you? Sir? What's your address?
Seventeen sixty one, Waveland seventeen thirty three, Waveless sixty one.
But alright, guys, strapped up? Alright, this is right gear scenario.
(34:38):
We get guys eating people over at the Uh. What
the hell is it called? What the word fire? No? No, no,
no no. What's the word I'm looking for? No no, no,
no someone else house? No no no. It's like a nickname.
No no, no, no, no no no. It's a good man.
It's a globalism for the thing. What the fund is? Close?
(35:03):
Big boys, big know? What the hell is it? Uh? Okay?
Location location tours sounds like the first word. It's the
first word and number. It sounds like sounds like rug. Right, oh,
it sounds like right, Tim's house, Tim's house? Not can't
it does sounds like google? TAM's house. Does sound like
(35:25):
make sure to put in those shells in the shocking. Okay,
we're using live ammunition. Boys, you understand what I'm saying,
we're going in. Hot, We're going in. Alright, we're strapping up,
strapping up, strapping down. Alright, what everyone's strapped on? What
hell are we listening to? The trainee? Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know why we're listening to the training. All right.
Now we're going What the hell's the name of the
place we kind of need to know? Yeah, funeral home. Oh,
(35:54):
I think we'll drive around. We'll know what it is home.
We're google home, all right? It um something else? I
was supposed to say, Sure, maybe we can think about
it in the drive. Yeah, I'm sure, it's fine. Let's
do it. Okay, let's go. You gonna drive. I don't
know why did no one move, barely listening to the training?
(36:17):
We're doing this, Yeah, we're doing this. I'm not I'm
not part of the team. If we bring the dog,
do you? Yes, chihuahua? Alright, make no sense? Alright? Make
sure in bread? It is? There? Is it? All dogs
are in bread, A lot of them. Sure, that's great, man,
(36:37):
I have seen I've seen it go down. It's disgusted.
Do you have you figured out where we're gone? Yes,
we're going to the funeral home. Yeah, alright, that really
is what you're trying to think about. Yeah, they're eating
dead bodies, Like I don't know, it doesn't seem like
something that we got to deal with. Why don't we
just go to McDonald's. Hey, they got nuggets. That's what
you all want to do? Yeah, they want to just
(36:58):
say effort, we're not gonna take the call, and then
he yeah, hi, welcome, McDonald's gonna take you. Yeah, what
do you guys want? I'd like a Frank when we're
Frank can culture of the mind, please Frank? Thank all right? Yeah,
(37:19):
two francs to Franc's. We don't have hot dogs? What
they don't have hot dogs? No? No, no women? Frank
like that. It was a dumb joke about a fan.
I was thinking, how would I know that? Because see, hey,
hey Mr McDonald's man, Yeah, assistant manager. Oh why is
(37:39):
he working the drive? Is because there's not somebody's can
call out three people called that's roight people. That's rough.
You never you ever have an insight joke with somebody? Sure,
yeah I got one run now okay, ready, yeah, shoes.
I don't know what I mean, but it's probably Sorry,
great that's great. You guys are okay, so you know
(38:00):
a couple of yeah, yeah, all right, I'm going next
door and what else? Uh huh. It's a kind of
lining up behind you. Yeah, I mean I was. I
wasn't hungry when I go off. Called Gladys over. Not
even want to dis beatchee if she wants anything. Hold
on one second, let me just oh, hey, hey, you
(38:24):
know who this is? Automatically? I mean I not know,
not enough to know your name, but I've heard that voice.
Is this an emergency? You know? It's nature? What's the
nature if your call? Nature of mc call is I'm
trying to get your order? You want to take me
out to eat? Yeah? No, I really do. I want
to know what your orders? Okay McDonald's. Come on, we
(38:45):
can go somewhere better than that. Look, you want someone
for McDonald's or not sure? Sure, I'll get a whopper.
It's a all right, yeah, I mean you're going to
hold on one second. I just kind of put something
over there, this bell that keeps bringing at me. There
we go, Gladys. What does a call from Britain? You
gotta take it? Okay? All right? Fine, fine, you don't
(39:06):
recognize the Ring. I didn't recognize the ring, but I
really like Shakespeare. Where for art thou is the problem?
Oh yeah, we're a group of former moonshiners turned secret agents,
and that overseas there's Corgis everywhere. I don't know what
(39:27):
the is going on. The queen wanted us to kill
our friend, and then an entire plot ensued. But we
didn't do that. We wound up. We're all back together
and better for it. I'm sure we make sure that
the trainee even has an opportunity to tell us that
the Corgies are inbred? Mat Can I do that? I'm sorry,
I'm having a hard time hearing. Everybody is a speaker phone.
(39:48):
Rule of threes, buddy rulers, Yeah, I mean those. I
mean look at the way they look, man, that ain't natural.
There's no wolf in the wild like that. I couldn't
go to send a crack team of firefighters. What a
great button. Our third and final today comes from Summer,
(40:16):
who wrote Howdy from Texas, Oh Boy, listeners. Since day
one here, I shame your podcast during my lunch hour
at work, and some days it is the only thing
that helps me retain what little sanity I have left.
I haven't seen idea simply titled driving test gone wrong.
(40:38):
Once again, thanks for your great work and hope you
all have a beautiful day. Sincerely, Summer. Okay, so it's
in first gear now, all right? And then you know again,
we could have taken out an automatic car. No, I well,
this is the way cars were supposed to be driven.
So this is it's the only one we have with
the stick shifts. So that's fine. There are seven others
(41:00):
we could choose if you're not comfortable fund a car
is a car ready to start? Were you taught with
I was, yes, I was actually my grandfather. It's a
fun out on the outskirts of town over by Brumbick. Yeah,
and there's a but it's about sixteen acres of farmland
(41:21):
and uh wide swaths of hills and whatnot. And there's
actually this a really nice lake right by it, like cruisers.
Would you like to just maybe drive us over there?
I mean, yeah, I don't, I don't mind. I mean
you know how to get back there to eight hours drive?
I don't want doing it and strap in. So part
of the reason how that was just being out there's
(41:42):
a kid, was that there was all this wildlife and
the fauna, which some people mistakenly think of as yeah,
we maybe want to pull away from the lighte okay, Uh,
I just want to finish the story. And uh, there
there was all this wildlife and fauna. People think faina
is is dear, but it's not. Faina is actually fan leaves.
(42:08):
That's an eight winner. Let's go around, not how driving works,
and um, you're in front of him, I understand. I
just don't want to talk about up on the clunch.
Go ahead. And so there was this family deer and
the deer that was so beautiful. And actually, you realize
this is a test, right that I'm conducting. I understanding,
(42:28):
and you pass or fail? Right now? It's not going well? Right,
But if I pause the test, then how can I
be crazy? So, uh, let me get that Hello, Hey,
how's the test going? In the middle of the test
him and called me later, Oh sure, sure, sure, Kylie,
love you. Okay, So let's not take calls during the test.
(42:49):
I understand I wasn't driving, so I didn't think that
was a problem, right, But I need you to drip.
I understand, Just go around. He's not gonna go around.
And so one of the craziest things about the deer
is Skype. Yeah, I guys Skype text and uh that
one second. I know the boxes should be delivered tuesday,
and it was just so beautiful to see you. I
(43:16):
am just coming the back. Yeah, this is not a pull,
so don't worry. Okay, but there's another guy in the front.
I know. I told you it's not a pulse, so
don't worry to just get what does he have a break? Uh,
just it's I'm doing a driving test. Just get in, okay,
So I have no problem with this. By if it
helps what was your name again? My name is Jergger.
(43:36):
That's right. If it helps Jergger, then get his driver's license.
We appreciate your assistance. You don't have your license yet. No,
I'm taking the test. Okay, but you're on here's an
uber driver, so I am. He's enterprising. Where where so
you know where he's going? Let's go there? You got
my address? Yeah, but we first got to go to
the lake first and about eight hour driving then head back. Okay,
(44:00):
I'm okay with that. Just go around. Hold on Jesus great, No,
it should if it's laminated, and then you can just
put it in the desk, and so I'm telling the
story about my grandfather's property or I grew up and
why I'm driving stick shifting. It's just huge property, you know,
(44:22):
tony somewhat acres and rolling hills, beautiful cool trees, and
there's just fantastic lake and next to lake where there's funa,
and people think the fauna is it's dear, what do
you think? Fauna? Animals, flora, flora's plants and funa. That's wrong,
that's wrong. No, no, no, that's wrong. I grew up.
(44:44):
I grew up on all large property. Did you pay
attention when you grew up on the farm the way
you're paying attention now to these, of course, instructions of
driving the car. Of course, so you didn't know anything.
Oh I knew a lot. I know how to take
your lamps and the fauna. I'll tell you what. Why
don't you continue telling your story. I'm gonna drive this
gentleman to where he needs to go. You have failed
(45:04):
this test. Wait wait wait, wait, it's okay. No wait,
we can take it again. No no, I gotta take
it now. No no, no, no, okay, listen, no listen,
this is a bowie knife. Okay, This is a fucking
Bowie knife. It's my granddad's. Okay, he got this in
World War two. He didn't fight. Hold on a second,
all right, yeah, draw me to hold the knife for
(45:25):
one second, thank you, And okay, where'ld you like to go? Sir?
It's hot? You get the addresses? Sorry, given the knie back. Okay,
Now he got this knife. Okay, you got the knife
in World War two. He didn't fight in the war. Okay,
all right here, Bowie knife were invented, yeah, by David Bowie.
(45:45):
I think I know that. Okay, it's Jim Jim Bowie,
Jim Booe, Jim Bowie. Then what do we call the
Bowie knife? Look out the tug boat man. Now look,
it's an eighteen wheel of chug voted scaring meat and
all my mirrors. Now look, I gotta take this test
and I gotta make sure I pass it today. Okay,
then just ease up on the clutch and give it
(46:07):
a little gas and let's get going. Let me just
finish the story. So now I was saying I used
to go around there and I used just the fun
that word. I mean, if you don't know what it means,
I know what it means it's a fan plant. Okay.
So my my granddam migam on my cos we'd all
(46:29):
go out there and we'd hunt the deer, and there's
this beautiful family of of of the Florida's Florian's Florian.
It's it's a grouping of deer's all right, Yeah, no,
I don't think that it is. I grew up on
twenties about acres in the land, all right, And so
they would all go there's about maybe about fifty to
sixty hundred heads of the deer that. Would you ever
(46:51):
hear anyone in your family refer to you as the
Fredo carlone of the family. No, no, no, one wasn't
telling him. Okay, so up, maybe you're tying. No, I'm stick. No,
it's just a left left. Just stop the car. Hello, Hi,
how's the test going. I'm in the middle of it.
(47:14):
Everything that's right, that's right, okay, alright, let's get you
away from this house. Let's get you away from this
I'm not letting you off. I'm not gonna give you
what I think we know what's happening is burning. Okay,
now let me just just give me the interstate here.
So uh, I pull off to this up on my house.
(47:35):
All right, So now think about this. Huh when you're
skin into the air, what's the first thing? You're an
emerge lane? Here, go around my hazards, draw on. Now,
what do you think happens. I've never had a student
driver pull over on a freeway merge before, so thank
(47:57):
you for that. I personally never experienced it. There's no
way for you to pass this test, so if you
wouldn't mind, Oh God, I need you to go to
the backseat to let me get this general. I need.
I need to pass this. I need to understand my wife.
I'd like to understand your wife, Scott. She's got this.
She's got bad feet, souls, and she can't drive. There's
(48:18):
too squshy severtimes. She touched the pedal, the pedal goes
into her foot in Yes, so I got to be
the one to drive on her feet. Yes, So I
gotta pass this. Okay, I gotta pass this. You don't understand,
all right, I do understand. I don't want to be
in There's something else I understand. There's no way you
could see into the future to a time when you
(48:39):
will pass this test. That's how far off and distant.
That's not true. My grandfather. Here have this necklace, Oh
my god, a tooth. Yes, And inside this tooth, inside
this tooth, the whistle. Yes. If you blow it hard enough,
you can see the future. Right, that's what That's what was.
There's a whistle in the tooth. You blow, you see
the future grew eight things that wouldn't we are three
(49:15):
or four? Here? A three four is scared? What's going on?
Agent three? Oh, cheven, I don't know how the hell
this happened, but somehow we just jumped into this car
with two breaks seven. Agent nine, I knew we were
time traveling. Can you see into the future for me? Yeah?
(49:38):
What was? What was the thing? The fact they're still
telling that dear story. Okay, and you haven't passed the tests. No, no,
we all know that you haven't passed the test and
found our animals. Oh god, I don't know what he
(49:58):
said was true at the very I don't know if
we can trust any of that. Then what are you
talking about? Man? Fun? Did you not see that? Do
not see what you got? Did you see it? I'm
waiting for us to pull away. He's up on the cluck.
I just piss, give it a little bit of gay.
I'm sure the trusp kind uts will have patience. He's
(50:20):
laying on it pretty good. You know that's what that is.
That's a communication. He's not being a dick, he's not
being a juror. He's communicating. I'd like you to get going,
please piss myself. So I think the best thing we
can do is just wait for me to dry out
and then we'll continue. George, why don't you just pull
around that car? A man, I got to hear the
(50:41):
end of this story. You get you hit out. You
can hear that story. Yeah, I got that. I got
one of them a little satellite microphones like they got
at the football game. So that's really cool. I can't
hear everything. You are going to come back, and if
it's not about you, name the deer. I never skinned
(51:03):
a deer before. I don't know why we don't just
get out and get into his car and we'll be
able to hear it much better, you know what. Let's
get out and get into it. And I know what
you're thinking. What you're thinking, how can you make a
bone soup with just hair? Right? But if you oh, hey, hey,
can we help you guys. Yeah, well from the truck
that's been honking this whole time. Wait, we're trying to
(51:25):
communicate that we wanted to go around student driver and
he's just having a tough day. Yeah, but I just
wanted to let you know we're really into your whole
the whole story there, the deer in the skin and
all that. But if you wouldn't mind, could you could
you tell it while moving? I don't think that'd be safe?
Is that right? Don't be very very safe? People people
talk and drive all the time. On a second, it's
(51:48):
actually the texting and driving works we're not happy about.
I know you're supposed to do that on Saturday, I
got a sign in my cab says I'm not supposed
to legally. I gotta have that sign in there. Okay,
I'm not I'm not a cab driver. There are now
four of us who would rather drive than you, So
could you get everyone wants to jump on my lap
and drive. I think there's one more thing you can
actually just get out here Noway it's it's my house
(52:15):
is on fire, so I think it maybe you guys
in the truck and give him a ride. Oh yeah,
if you wouldn't mind giving me one to terrific. All right?
Let me just in this Uber five stars, clean car,
good conversation, all right, and good luck to you and
the three stars for you? Three stars? Man? What white?
Three stars? When you're leaving the ride? All right, I'm
(52:39):
changing her to four? Okay, okay, three stars? What you
said you were going to do? What I'm calling nine
on one? Excuse me? What's your Could you state the
emergency that you're having right now? I don't know if
this is an emergency, but oh you might have missed
(52:59):
DIA then no, Well I I intentionally dial nine one one.
But I'm in a car. I'm on an Uber ride
with a student driver. He's he's an adult male in
his thirties who's trying to get his driver's license. There's
a driving instructor here in a couple of truckers. It's
a lot of exposition. Just get to the Carrol, this
is what's happening. Okay, Uh, what's your emotion right now?
(53:25):
My emotion is confusion. Okay, that doesn't sound like an emergency.
I'm so sorry, But you've misused dynam one one. So
you're going to get a bill for missuson. Thank you. Bye. Okay, gladys,
you see what you did wrong on that call? That
wasn't an emergency? Boss? Can you help me out here
with this. You're not supposed to decide what's an emergency.
That's not part of the job. He said he was.
(53:45):
Didn't even let him get to what it was. But
that guy is still in I think he's asleep. He's
not bothering anybody. He's in a fire. A Frank, Fine, Frank,
wake up, Frank, Frank, Frank, I'm not gonna wake up.
There's no way I've seen the future. He's as good
(54:06):
as a chicken nugget. How did you see the future?
Blew in a whistle with the world. Put your hold
Kentucky moon Shine Bridge. Oh that series. That's what happens
when you don't finish your meal. Also, let's thank all
(54:27):
of our wonderful alchemists today and blessings and good tidings
to our own Vanessa Raglan. Yeah with a baby girl. Um,
congratulations to the whole family. Uh, Joey Gray, where can
people find you other than visiting Vanessa Raglan? Uh? You
can find me the Westside Comedy Theater right every second
(54:49):
and fourth Wednesday, nine o'clock. Bear supply Pretty Pretty Pony
every first Thursday of the month and uh Dynasty Typewriter
to check it out dot com. Well, thank you for that.
It's Joey right, yes, but it's Jeffy Greeber on the Instagram,
the instagram James Heeney. Hi. You can find me at
(55:09):
the real James Heeney dot com. I found that it's
a nice little hub that has all the information you
could need about me. Security is hidden somewhere in there.
Also check out James uh instagram doing some art. Yeah,
some great you're doing fan art of our show. I'm
a big fan. I'm a big fan. I don't know
my Instagram handle. I think it's probably the real James Heeney.
(55:32):
I think that's just it's automatically locked in. I just
clicked the button. Yeah, you sound like um one of
the people on Instagram who has like a hundred and
fifty million followers. But I don't know unless it's changed,
I can't. I just hear that all the time. I
don't know what my Instagram name is, you do? I
just yeah. In terms of people promoting themselves, get terrible
(55:56):
way to promote Oh, that's a good point. Three different
Twitter handles at Orange Ducks Improv for improv shows, at Craigslist,
Peacast for movie podcast, and at Kikowski for just my
general vibe. Sweet look up the general vibe a shap
Mark Gagliardi. Yes, thank you so much for Johnny. It's
(56:19):
my pleasure. Thanks for having me back. Where can people
find you? I'm on Twitter at Mark Gags. You just
put out something on social media, though very much delayed
when people are hearing, very much delayed. Yes, as we
went to air, or as we went to as we
started recording, I found out Blood and Treasure just got
a season two Treasure, So please thank you everybody that's watching,
please keep watching Blood Treasure on CBS Tuesday nights at
(56:40):
ten o'clock. Yes, thank you for that. And our genius producer,
we missed him. So your friend did a lovely, lovely job.
But Doug Bain back in the helm, thank you so
much for all of all that you do for us.
Honestly and truly, you are more important to me than
most of the Alchemists. You know, it's known reason to
(57:03):
name names. And our post sound design artist Raphael Britto,
producer Sophie Lictorman and it's lastly, I heart media. I
encourage all of you to write a review, tell everyone
you've ever met, and write to us at your name
here me this dot com. That's your name here at
alcumy this dot com. Until next time, all friends, I'm
(57:24):
Kevin Pollock, your host. Don't forget to the boy
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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