March 16, 2021 • 58 mins
Going on vacation to a natural disaster.
Irish mob book club.
Brad Pitt sues for botched vasectomy.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Well, come back to another episode about coove me this
COVID nineteen edition. I'm your host, Kevin Pollack, Yes that
Kevin is that. Well, if you watch our tek like
I do, then you know all about a little item
coming soon called pizza Cupcake New York's as excited as
I am. I'll tell you this. It's already available in
(00:23):
Jamie and I love them pizza cupcake. But I digress.
Let's meet. I'll come a shower, no particular orders. Say
hey to Craig Atkowski. Count how many weddings have you
been to in the last five years? And did you
enjoy any of them? I honestly think it's close to
zero and enjoyment. I can only remember one. I think
(00:47):
I went to one and uh it was fun. It
was outdoors and we camped out afterwards. And I don't
camp uh, and I don't recommend it. I don't want
to do it again, but for as a one of
one time thing. Yeah, I think one wedding every five
years is a pretty good pace because generally I do
not enjoy them, and one camping period is a pretty
good pace. Yeah, this is what I'm sensing. Uh, well,
(01:13):
camping like with tents and sleeping bags. Yeah, yeah, the
whole thing, like outdoors, ye, and like laying on the ground.
You don't want to pitch that tent indoors. It's just
not good. Uh, And thank you for that. And now
Chris Alvarado, Papa, please preach. What is your ice cream
go to and has it changed in the last three years? Ah? Yeah,
(01:38):
that's right, that's a complicated question. I'd rarely talk about
those pizza cup cakes. Yes, dude, I saw that episode,
and you know there's you know, you watch Shark Tank
is great and every now and then one product fucking
speaks to you to your insides. Right, Yeah, that product
did that for me. But let me just tell you.
Are they You'll soon have a box coming your way.
(02:01):
I will send you. I will absolutely send you a
fucking fox. Jesus, we like Joey, give me this, give
me this time. Are they savory cup It is a
cupcake that taste exactly like a pizza and it's the
only frozen to heat and eat food that Jamie gives
(02:23):
a giant thumbs up. She thinks all sort of frozen pizza.
Turns out, you gotta tell James because he made pizza
with cinnamon bread before. Yeah, no, I gotta yeah. Well,
first I'll have Chris review and then we'll we'll drive
James slowly insane. Hey, there's a tool saying everybody, yeah,
(02:47):
a tulo. If given the opportunity, would you take a
seat on a mission to the moon. No, no, no, no, no, no,
no no not. That's that's experiment. If they're asking me
to be there, that's means something went wrong, all right,
(03:07):
and they're not trying to send the best in the
brightest They're like, oh, let's try this and then we'll
send some billionaires Upren't the billionaires going? Kevin? You gotta
ask questions, all right? Why I spectrum calling me when
I don't have spectrum? You know? Yeah, they were just texting. Maybe, yes,
it's a legitimate question. Um, I wish the bot would
(03:28):
have called. That would have been awesome. What the hell?
It's Caroline Cotter Smarter Carter favorite brand of peanut butter
and favorite thing to do with it. I don't well,
I don't. I'm not. I'm not cuckoo for any kind
of nut butter, but I'll go with the one I
have in my fridge. It's a Trader Joe's And listen,
here's the thing I really don't like. I understand why
(03:51):
people like it natural peanut butter. There's too much freaking
oil in it, but I don't want the sugar firm
regular kind. So do you store it upside down? Okay, listen,
I've done that, and you know I got oil over everything. Yes,
the lid wasn't screwed a in between when I put
(04:12):
it back, but it has fucking wrecked my cabinets. And
I just moved in here like a couple of months ago,
and I had to cleaned everything, and it's sucking reck
Did you say you put your peanut butter in the
fridge to Uh? Sometimes it's in the fridge. I don't
know if I said that, but sometimes I do both.
I'm a fresh guy. And what do I cook with it? Um?
(04:34):
You know what's good is I mean a little little
peanut butter. I think that was a question. It was
what do you do with it? Eggs perhaps screaming that question,
I'd like to cook some might peanut butter. Yes, and last,
(04:55):
but get fucked if you think of least it's Joey
Greer the Tingler. When's the ship coming? What's that my nickname?
Yea the Tingler? Yeah, I'm into it. When is the
ship coming? Is out yous um asking questions? Can I
now as a follow up, the ship ain't coming. We're
(05:20):
stuck here, so strap in and get used to it.
All right? This is who we got? Oh? Is it
all right? Let's do a damn show. All of our
scene suggestions to gather from your listener emails or are
from our patreonpas. To become a patron supporter of the
show and enjoy exclusive content and other perks, such as
(05:40):
a now recording video of what we're doing, just head
on over to the patreon dot com slash I'll give
me this if you'd like to submit a scenes adjusted
by your email. Yeah, we're taking those. I'm reading them
and I'm writing them down. Please write to the podcast
that your name here at alcome to this dot com
that's your name here at uh Oh it was almost
(06:01):
like I was in church. Scene one comes from patroon
v I P. John Bander, who simply wrote a scene
idea going on vacation to a natural disaster. He's a
car ready, is it loaded? Can we go? Yes? Can
we go? Yes? Yes? Where the kids where the kids
(06:22):
sign my switch, can't blign my blade. They're looking for
their switch in their blade. I add you to help them,
but instead you're outside, Yes, having a smoke. That's what
I do before were going a long drive. That's right,
Just do it and blow it into my face. I
like that, Thank you? Yeah, bet, honey? Did you look
(06:46):
in the dock? Can't find my blade? Did you look
in the knife cabinet? Okay? Calling them one, honey, and
not the other one? I don't think that's well. One
is my least favorite, and I'm good. Do you want
me to lie to my children about that? Okay, get
in here, baby, honey, Sweetie, it's in the dog Sweetie,
got my play? Okay, Hello, hello, Parkinson's where you hit it? Hey, Jim,
(07:14):
we are driving across country all the way. That's right.
We're gonna we're gonna start in uh here, in in
in Chicago. We're gonna, Yep, we're gonna. Okay, honey, I
don't know he didn't He didn't finish his cigarette before
(07:35):
you asked that question. So I think you caught him
a little off guard. Yep, a little off guard and
a little in guard. If you know what I'm saying, Jim,
we're gonna head west to mr Tsunami California. I mean, hi,
Mr dear Born, you got this, you got this. We're
going to tsunami. That's it. Are you gonna see that
(07:57):
tsunami on the west coast? Yeah, yeah, we're headed right
to it. Well, that's wiped out in a big part
of California. That's the good news. We bought some property
in Nevada and and Arizona. Okay, Well, the odds of
that tsunami still being going by the time you get there, Well,
(08:19):
that's the thing, Tommy, Tommy, is that a thing to
being going? Honey? You know it's being going. And you
know this is why I said we should have been
going yesterday when we had it would have a better
chance of catching the tsunami. After you're checking in both
of our properties, Jim, this is all before we get
in the car, Mr Mayor, we uh, we just want
to talk to you, because we got the billboards that
(08:40):
say the tsunamis here, but technically it's over. Um. This
tourism campaign is um. We put a lot of money
into it. Let's keep it going. Uh sure, Mr Mayor.
I just want to say that you know are injured,
and uh, and I know we want you want to
(09:02):
get the economy going. You always say number one, get
the economy going. But is this you know your your
your wife and children are in the hospital and we
put a lot of money into this terism at people
need to see it injured. We gotta pump those numbers up.
People have to come and see the disaster. Visit the
(09:26):
West coast, Visit visit all the places that were destroyed today.
I'm sorry, he's moving so much out of the frame.
It's hard for me to keep him in the middle.
Chase me. Let's go. It's gold. You have to get it.
Mr Mayor. The best part of having you is Mayor
is kidding you? Yeah? Mr Dearborn, Mr dear Born, what
(09:55):
is it, Brendan? Can you come with us? Well, I
I haven't left Chicago in many years. I know I
heard about your family and the fire. Yeah, the local
authorities want me to stay here. But what if you
just came. I'll let you hold my blade. Well that's
(10:16):
a that's a fine blade there, Brendan. Thanks. Is it
true that you used to have a kid who was
my age? I did? I did? Then that damn fire.
What a way to go. I will be a fugitive
if I if I go with you. But I've always
wanted to see a tsunami in the odds that that
(10:38):
water is still hanging there like a solid wall in
the air days later. Uh, Now, you better play it
with your parents. Or I could just hide in the truck. Yeah,
let's do it that way. I have a little fun,
mister dear born, you have a little fun. Just cut
a breathing hole for me. Okay, I got my blade.
(11:01):
There you go. Okay, so we made it um to Nevada,
to our first house. Every How are you doing? Boys? Boys?
Ask you a question? Answer the damn question. I don't know.
Can you look I'm driving. Can you turn around and
see if they're Oh my god, they're awake, Mom, dad, Timmy, London.
(11:31):
Where are you guys? I've found the switch? Where where
is everybody? I should hear you on the alexa? Are
you talking to the alexa? Oh my god, honey, is
he stuck? He is stuck in the alexa? Is the alexa?
(11:55):
Tell me to unplug the alexa? I think I want
to get there, I think. Okay, honey, don't freak out. Okay, honey,
scared Alexa, can you please get my son out of
the inside of you and then kill yourself? You would
(12:17):
like to start a new list. Uh no, Alexa, Yes,
can you please? My son, My honey, bunny boy, my
number one love favorite son is in there with his
Nintendo switch. Can you get him out of you? Please?
Adding a Nintendo switch to your card? No, I don't
(12:38):
need another one, Alexa. Mr dear bar Oh you cut
was It wasn't very big? Can you hear what's going on?
My brother's trapped again. I'm trapped in the trunk. We're
running out of air. You're fine? Where are we now?
(13:00):
Where are we? I just said we're in Nevada? Shut up?
Are you just? That was just a moment. But then
all that stuff happened with with Timmy and the Alexa.
I don't like to hit you, but I'll do it.
She does like we're in Nevada, local Nevada food. You
haven't given me food or drink, lipping on the road
(13:20):
for I think three days. Can I have snack? What
kind of snack? Do you like beer more than anything?
Can I have a beer snack? What does it mean? Beer?
Not tuney he means a beer snack. Well, what is that?
It's beer as a snack. Dammit? Does kids advance? So
(13:43):
we give him one? What do you think? I just
want to see that tsunami. How far away are we
from the tsunami? Mom? How far away are we from
the tsunami? While we're gonna stop in Nevada check on
our property, then go to Arizona check our other property.
Cots the cops. All right, I got this, I got this. Okay,
(14:06):
Uh can you roll down your window please? You don't
have to make the noise, honey, it just doesn't I'd
like to do it. You know. I used to good
morning officer. That's my wife. She's hilarious. I'll speak to
the driver. Okay, you on the passengers side can just
just hang on. Yeah, she's got it all right. Don't
(14:26):
don't get mad at me. I'll come to the other side.
You know what. I'm gonna come to the other side.
I get to talk to him. This is great. I
wonder if he good morning officer. Do you smoke cigarettes?
I do. I'm a marble man myself, mostly marvel Red's
the best place to be. I just want to check
(14:47):
your driving west and I don't know if you know,
but there there's been a tsunami in the West, so
I don't know. California's huh, hey, kids, you've been down
back there. I'm talking to officer Officer Hernandez. My other brother.
(15:08):
My brother's trapped in the alexa. Okay, what's what's that?
What's that noise? It's his other brother and he was bad,
so he put him in the trunk for a minute.
It sounds like, honey, honey, what are you talking about?
Our other things? And he's her favorite son. She's the
officer Hernana's honey, do you not hear someone coming up
(15:29):
talking from the trunk? So I'm just gonna tell the
officer that that's one of our children. If you're okay
with that, just fucking smile Jesus, thank you. Officer Hernandez.
Do you have a family? Uh? Yeah? Do? I got
my favorite son, Billy. That's that's the one we got.
I got one named Charlie. Gets smoke alarms. You won't
regret it. Mr. Get smoke alarms. They pay for themselves.
(15:53):
You're not going down like this. Take my plate. Our
oldest just started selling smoke alarms, so he's a little forward. Okay,
that's an interesting high school thing to sell. Can I
ask you why you pulled us over? Good question? Good?
I was just checking your going west again. I will repeat,
there was a tsunami, California has almost fallen off the map.
But you're gonna go west. This is the only cart.
(16:16):
We're the only ones headed that way. Well look at that, honey, Wow,
this is a good, unique vacation. It's not illegal. Right,
we can go. You know the law. It sounds like
that's right, officer. Her name is. I don't talk to kids, alright.
I have a good one, all right, everybody? All right?
(16:37):
He was my hero. So Dad, you're not you're not
actually concerned about who's in the trunk? Right? Well, now
has left. But but wouldn't you want to know who
it is in front of the copse? No? No, son,
I assumed that that whoever is in the trunk, you
seem super friendly with You're okay with it. So now
(16:58):
I have questions for you. Who's in the trunk? I
see because I'm the bad kid. Well you're not the
good one. He's gotta check on. Mr dear Born. That's
my day. Oh you live? The house is still standing up?
To that fire ship ship. I lost him. Oh shit,
(17:23):
oh shit, I lost God damn I lost him. Oh okay, fuck, Okay, okay, okay, okay, Mark,
calm down, breathe for a second. He's fine. He's probably
just taking an app mark you check in on Mr
Dearborn copy over checking on him now, he's probably taking
an app che Over. Don't start your conversations with over.
(17:45):
Then I stopped listening, so it gets confusing. Over and
I'm looking at him now. I'm I'm gonna find him over, Lieutenant. Lieutenant,
you're you're micromanaging Mark. Just let him do his job.
I think the last time I asked my assistant to
(18:05):
chime in on matters of state law was never. Now,
you never did. Okay, can I get you so you're
still having Chinese for lunch? Okay? Wow, you were right.
That tsunami is just hanging there. It's still it's just there.
That's something like, oh my god, it's a wall of water.
(18:28):
That is amazing. Dad, Dad, go see that tsunami. That's
what my boy said before he burned alive. Jim, Can
I ask how you ended up in the trunk? Well,
timmy brand didn't put me in the trunk. He asked
me if I wanted to go along? Damn Brandon, he
cut the cut the smallest of holes for me with
his blade. Who's bad? Now you're in the hero now son?
(18:53):
Because you're honey? No stop, alexaid, do not let my
favorite son go towards the light? What Alexa are you talking?
Shoot the one in the car? Asshole? Oh, Linda, what
you needn't be so obvious with what son you love
(19:15):
and what you're not sure about. I don't think I'm
being obvious. Can you tell which one I like and
which one I ate? I don't think so. I think
he can. And also the boy in the Alexa is gone.
It's our son? When not anymore? You all want to
take a photo in front of the giant wall of
water just kind of frozen in time? Yes? Please? Alright?
(19:37):
Sixty bucks phones, sir? Yeah, I don't think we need
to do that. Look this this is private property. So
if you want to take a photo in front of
this giant wall of frozen water, I mean not literally,
but just you know, it's just kind of floating in time.
Can we see the injured people on? Do you want
(20:01):
to see the injured people? Yeah? I heard there was
a look at me, look at my pinky, look at
that Hey ask you to back away from my son
for a moment there, but I'll back away for sixty bucks.
So if the tsunami hasn't pressed yet, how did the
people get hurt? I may shut the hell up? Man,
(20:24):
you want me to hit sixty bucks. I don't think
we know how a tsunami works. And that is seen
number one. He just wanted sixty bucks. Seem two comes
from Thomas Lawson, who wrote, Hello alchomus, You guys are
fantastic and everything you do well, you've not seen everything.
(20:48):
I'll keep it short and sweet, but we'll say that
you guys are keeping us all sane with these podcasts.
My suggestion Irish Mob book Club. Thanks to th h
O for Thomas to I'll say it again, no more Choyce.
Everyone here, everyone brings up Choyce. Can't really read anything else? Okay,
(21:12):
thing else? I understand. I have a pitch for the
next book. Let's hear it then, Okay here, have you
ever heard of a book called Ulysses by James Joyce?
Is apsode whose favorites that's brilliant in your fucking face
Tommy Janigan. Look before we get into the nippy curty
(21:34):
about what book we're going to read. That's probably Choyce.
Words come to my ear that there's a rat insider
book club, like a literal a literal rat everywhere. Yes,
we have rempotation. We live next to a ratty. That's outrageous.
We're all Irish here, we're all in the Irish mob.
(21:59):
Here's a tank fellas and lady thank you. If we
don't pick a book today, then we've got nothing to
show next week. You know what happens when the boss
comes if we don't have a book report ready for
the boss. And that's what about so so embarrassing? Last
time we had to go and stand up there and
(22:20):
do a course on nothing, make it up? It was
so bad. But what about the rock? What we gotta
do something about the rat? Clearly that's we got a
snitch in here. Who's telling the boss that we're not
reading books? Who's snitching? I probably suggests it's the one
that's not like the others. What do you mean me
(22:43):
because I'm from Glasgow originally for me because my parents
are Irish born and bred. Didn't mean to get burnt
out there. You know that. Let's let's go around the
horn one more time. Can we place what around the horn?
What the hell does that a phone is? That's That's
an expression I've never heard before, which makes me that
(23:05):
you are the rat. Hold on, you never heard expression
before around the horn on ESPN. Oh wait, now that
you say it, I did see that, but I never
associated the ESPN show with that expression, I guess. So,
egg on my face, Egg on your face, on my face,
(23:26):
on your face? Where are you from, then, darling with
the aggy face? What? Where are you from? Them? Your paper? Cork,
Cork County, Ireland? Right? What? Straight? Wait? Why am I
getting all these questions? We had the other one? I
feel like this is because I'm the only last Well,
you guys know me. I'm I'm Shamous Affinity, and I'm
(23:49):
from Irish Town and I've been in the Irish mop
with you guys for a long long time. We know that. Sam.
There's your question there, the whole question, nobody's question. Let's
keep going around the horn. Shamous. Uh, how are you
doing in the mob? How you how did they believe you? Why?
Why did you get this undercover of sigements? Shamous I'm here,
(24:10):
I'm your You're the best man for the job, Samous.
You have the accident that I don't know, Shamous to you.
You have the name, and that's what all they need.
The Irish Mob is so hard to get into, and
now you're in it. I've been taking care of your family.
The family is good, but you can't see him. Well
why can't I see them? Oh, that's just the rules, Shamous.
(24:31):
Here's a photo. That's your that's your wife, that's your son.
He's fourteen now. And there's your daughter and she's uh,
she's ten. Okay, Oh, here they come. Oh well, I've
got got a book report, got a book report. Your
(24:52):
boss is coming. Yes, so we all have our ready,
so we all be a great We all read different
books and that's what we did, different choice books. You
read anything else? Any other book? Nope, book just Joyce alright?
(25:15):
For Fox, it's Arthur Guinness right, Uh yeah, I want
to hear you, hear you reports. I want to increase
my knowledge. I gotta ask. I mean, at some point
we're going to commit crimes, right, I mean, we are
(25:36):
the Irish Mob. Are there any crimes that you want
us to commit? Coming up? In the near future before
we get that's a strange question, if you don't mind
me saying Sall's I wanted to mention any crimes boil Well.
I read doubling Ers by James Joyce j Christ boil
(26:03):
All the stories take place in Dublin on the on
the same day night, and uh, it just felt like
quit essentially Irish to me. You know, it just reminded
me of growing up in irishton true true, true, good apart,
Next they're up, Tommy, fuck you? Yeah. I read Twilight,
(26:30):
Um what novel by James joy No, seems Joyce didn't
write it. Yeah, she's she's part Irish. Yeah, go ahead,
and the toys are quite in trolling, a little disturbed
that everyone was a tween and whatnot, so that in
(26:50):
my head I imagined everyone was in college, you know.
Just but anyway, all in all, Wait, you know it's
not illegal for you to read a book about twins
and right, No, it's it's it's wrong. I made that call.
It was wrong. So do you feel like you committed
a crime? No, No, I didn't. I did while I
(27:11):
while I was buying the book. Your report to me
that you're read it is that the extent of your
fucking book report. Jesus Chris. Everyone's cooling at me while
I'm talking, as if I couldn't even get tried. You
know what, fuck it fun, I didn't read it. I
didn't read I wanted the movie. Well maybe here's the rat.
All right, fuck you famous, you piece of ship. You
(27:34):
kill you. I'll kill you, kill you, I kill you.
I'm irish and alright, alright, I want to say something.
You gotta report first, But is it Michael? Come on,
share the report. We all want to learn. Wait, I'm
the rat. Nobody says I'm the rat, and actually is
(27:57):
the rat. It's true, I'm the rat covering for I
read Sally Rooney's Normal People. Oh what did you think?
Did you like it better in conversations with friends? No?
Actually I like conversations with friends better. But listen to
my accent. I barely have one. Can't be the right?
Id be better? Promote him? Can't? That's true? You're you're
(28:20):
a cup and now normal PayPal? No normal the app? PayPal?
I thought me exclusively agree to use Venmo. We're dead, Shamus?
How are you doing in the house? The book report? Weird? Weird?
(28:42):
It's just weird. Any crimes, Well, I think one guy
did cocaine, another guy had thought crimes about tweens and uh,
and one guy admitted to being the rat when I
don't know if he is or not. Did you send
somebody else in? His accident is worse than mine? All right?
That's not a ball, Shamous. You have the worst exan
in the world. Shamus. He is a picture of your family.
(29:04):
That's your wife, that's your son. He's fifteen. Now, how
are they so much older? They give me a hold
of every day, Chamus. You're missing him, but you have
to stay in them all. Oh, here they come, ja
ja Shamus, Shamus? Did you want some potatoes? Shamus? I
(29:26):
just thought I thought we'd have some potatoes for lunch today. Well,
did you bring some? You can't just say potato and
not have any. Yeah? Sure, Well I've got these potatoes
made just the way that potatoes. What just add water?
That's right, just like my old mom used to make.
(29:50):
We used to make powdered potatoes. She did, used to
make powdered potatoes. Are you saying I'm not a real
Irish member because I powdered potatoes? Okay, okay, Okay, we're
all normal paper here. Michael, Mike no normal PayPal. Yes,
Michael might be the rat. Michael's the Rata. It could
smell it on him. It's you, Michael. Yeah. What do
you mean you know to think Michael's the rat too?
(30:10):
Ever since you admitted to be in the rat, ever
since she said yes, I said no, you said Michael,
I said Michael was the rack. Yes, and your Michael.
You're Michael. You're Michael. Okay, okay, When are we gonna
(30:34):
see dad again? What? When are we going to see
dad again? Calm down, my Irish children. You know that
your Irish father is at work, right, He's Irish and
we're not. I'm sorry, You're so fucked. I am so
(30:58):
messed up in the head. Police officer comes by to
take photos of us every day, just telling us about
what your father does. And you what did you saying?
What did you say to me? Look at me in
the eye and say that, Look at me in my
one eye and say that again. What do you mean?
(31:21):
Let me get the door. It's me. I need a
picture of the family yesterday. To take it, I have
to switch over with me. Why well, today is the
(31:42):
last day of being a mob. Wow, we all graduated.
That's amazing. We have to give out It's amazing. We've
got to give out this special award. Yeah, the the
what you wu call it? You know? The um what
is the word? It's no like like Joyce would have
(32:06):
increased your vocabulary. It has, but not with any words
that I could use in day to day's speech. You
know the thing that it's like voted most likely to Yes,
we're going to give up. Yes, that's right, Tommy for
the seventh year in a row. You've got You've got
(32:28):
that special award for you and probably name it the
Tommy at some point, I mean, look back at all
the crimes we committed. What were some of your favorites
that you guys did Dad? Dad? Is that you? What
a second? Who's the boy here? You kid? I don't
(32:51):
know you either. Just get out of this. Just so
you know, Mom lost her other eyes. Okay, what what's
going on? Tommy? Grab him? Listen to me, a little freak.
Don't pick the coming in here thinking you can just
pointing any one of us to say where your dad?
(33:11):
Because it ain't true. Cut your head off and slam
it down your ass. You know what, I'm saying, he
is my dad. That's my dad, and I prove it, Tommy,
hold him tight. Let me teach this kid a thing
or two. Oh, I want to know. I want to
see if you can prove that that's his dad. Oh,
we're gonna play that game out. We fine. Why is
(33:36):
he your friend? Why would you say Shamus of all
of us? There's a there's a photo in my in
my jacket pocket. Pull it out. Is our photo in there? Tommy?
See this here? There is literally photo. Anybody could have
doctored that photoshop that. Hold on a sec your wife,
(33:57):
no eyes or someone's wife, no, i'ball And then this
young this young lad here, but I don't see any dad.
It's me. I'm his dad. I'm the rat. Kill me
and my boy. Michael was the rat. You. I love you.
(34:17):
We're gonna go do dad and kid things now, Okay,
Dad and kid, me, Dad and son. Let's go. Sorry, Michael,
please stop fucking touching the boy. I'm begging you. It's
a bit creepy. It sounds like something out of Twilight.
It's a huge Now you get it, now you understand
what or it's like that seen in normal PayPal where
(34:39):
they have sex. Oh yeah, okay, I hate you. You're
the worst that ever. I hate you for being undercover
detective trying to infiltrate in the Irish yab What the
heck is this guy going on about? I'm sorry I
had to tell your son about everything. Oh fuck you, Alex.
(35:02):
You know I said we were having a bonding moment.
It was after an accident with your wife, but we
had a really nice time chatting and I just opened
up terrible at your job. Man, I don't know, I know,
I know. I I should have gotten the assignment. You
should have been here with your family. I I'm single.
It's still I'm single. I mean, I'm on the apps,
I'm on normal PayPal. I'm trying to meet people and
(35:24):
it's not going well. But I'm really sorry about about
your son and your wife's eyes. And uh, I hope
you'll forgive me or do you get any photos? No?
I brought you this book as a gift. Well shame
as you've been debriefed. We're gonna give you a new name, right,
it's gonna be Jim Dearborn. We're gonna relocate you to Chicago,
(35:48):
and we actually have a family that you're gonna be
living with Okay? Uh? Do I have an elaborate backstory?
Is Jim Dearborn? Uh? Sure, yeah, yeah you used to?
Do you want to get with this, Jim? I mean
(36:08):
the more detail the better. I mean the work that
I put into creating Shamus uh affinity part of me.
Guys Uh Roger of the Relocation services. You know, this
is an old house you're moving into. Okay, old house,
So get a different house. Yeah, that's that's what it
(36:29):
sounds like. It's only it's the only house we can
provide him in Chicago. It's the only house we can get. Well,
i mean the prices in Chicago are there, let's be
footage wise, it's not. It's comparable on the North side side. Yeah,
we're talking about appliances and everything else in there. Relocation
Services hasn't been pulling their weight when it comes to
witness protection. Listen, Jim, your addresses sixteen sixteen North Wales. Okay,
(36:55):
and that's that's your new home. Just be careful. It's well,
we were working on the back story. So yeah, let's
let's give Jim a little more to play with than
what his address says. No thanks, now he knows, no,
thank you. I want to know about Chicago is uh,
it doesn't seem much. My right doesn't seem much. Hi,
(37:19):
I'm sorry. I'm here for the backstory department. I'm ohome
his wife. I'm supposed to be. Yep, this is Cindy, Jim.
This is your wife, and you're gonna have two kids,
one of which is kind of super great, the other
one little shaky. Okay, so backstory. Let's let's say that
(37:39):
you you're working paint, U you invent paint, and you smoke.
Now you smoke now, definitely the back story department. It
sounds like you guys are just riffing. Um no, I'm
literally from the backstory department, Like I am part of
I'm your wife, but I'm not creative, so please don't
please don't ask me to outside of my about like
(38:03):
you might be half what you're maybe a werewolf. Maybe
you're a werewolf or like a vampire paints and smokes. Yeah, yeah,
good stuff. This is a good stuff. And then um,
let's see what else is Hello, I am here, I'll
be playing your son. It's not a big deal deal.
(38:28):
Royal Academy of Dramatic Cards. This kid is so what's
the backstory. Who's this lady? My mom? I'm your mom.
It's funny. I think I'm younger than you. Wow, if
I slip the tongue in there, it's gonna be fun.
I don't die. I hope we don't die in this.
The folks, the folks next door, the Parkinson's what crime
(38:50):
did they commits? That's for me to find. Yeah, we
don't know. We lead here whatsoever. You're the lead, You're
the tip of the spear. You figure this out to you.
I was told I was co lead. No, no, you're
you're definitely definitely, uh yeah, don't worry about that. I
(39:13):
was this close to exposing Arthur Guinness and the Irish mob.
Yeah that the emphasis on this close never quite brought
that one home. Shamous. That was sixteen years of investigation
down the drain. Because your mistake, You're a shame on
all of us. That in fact is seen too. That
(39:37):
a scene too, Thank you. Seen. Three cops are paton
on committee. I Will Morris, who wrote, Dear alchemist, Will
moris here upstate St. Louis native and the only documented
case of a person kept alive entirely on alchemy. This
alone thank you so much for engaging my dark sense
of human helping me laugh about my father's stroke rehabilitation situation.
(39:59):
My dad enjoyed the episode as well. Oh that's good
to hear. We were hoping, uh it might reach him,
and so thank you for letting us know that. Uh will,
I'll keep it short. I want to hear Brad Pitt
sue for his botched steak knife vast sect to me
and would absolutely love Joey's Southern Judge, Joey, you butt
sucking toad liquor, stop setting me All these jars labeled
(40:23):
Joey's Yummy Yogurt. They're never sealed, always arrived covered in mold,
and they attracked snakes. I gotta goddamn snake infection. I'm
not going to quote unquote sell them to the kids
or quote help you make yogurt. Weirdo will ye sorry,
(40:47):
I'm not going to be quiet. Isn't the quarter? Alright? Mr?
Hey hey o oh? He said, alright, Mr Pitt, Are
you sure you want to represent yourself? Um? Yes, I do. Yeah,
you can just talk normal pitch. This is this is
(41:07):
how I talk. Yeah, it seems like you're doing an
oppression of somebody you've acted with maybe huh no, no, no, no, no,
I haven't no, I am I know. Okay, sound sounds
better now, all right? And uh the other side of
the aisle, I just I do feel like, Um, this
(41:30):
is a defense by the way, Yeah, and you don't
need to do that voice either, just speak normal. I'm okay,
I'm sorry. Um, I was trying to be a woman.
What did you guys think, did I What do you
guys think? Actually, let's go back to that. Let's go
back to that. Okay, So basically like or the defense,
(41:54):
and um, it's an insult that Brad Pitt is like here,
like why is he not hiring a professional to prosecute us?
You know what I mean? Like, it's an insult to me.
I went to years and years and years of law school,
top of my class. Okay, that's nothing to do with
(42:15):
the case. He can can he as the right? So
we're talking about your pp got cut right? Oh well
a little bit I had. Um this is well my
I had surgery, and UM, I would greatly appreciate if
(42:35):
you would not address my client directly. Oh sorry, I
was late to caught this morning, y'ahna. But it is
in fact a pleasure to be at your side again. No, no, no,
it's my honor. It's everybody in this court's honor. WI imagine.
So so then if you had a question for my client, please,
(43:01):
what would that question be? I just wanted to get
a brief summary of the case from your end. Well,
it's all they're in front of you in the documentation. Basically,
my client, the Academy Award winning actor briand Pit, had
a piece of his paenis removed unsatisfactory and we are
(43:22):
seeking damages to the tune of a hundred and sixteen
million dollars. Wow, that sounded so good. That sounded that
sounded so good. That's gonna be tough to lose. Yeah, yeah,
I think so. I think that deserves Yeah yeah, I'm
used to more than a smattering. But it's a uh defense.
(43:44):
Anything to say or should we just call it? Oh God,
that one's gonna be hard to um do something, do
something about this coming through. I'm a doctor. We didn't
see this coming. This is weird, okay, alright, yeah yeah,
please come through, come through, and just part of the
(44:06):
coat too. And I have a brief case. Now you'll
see here as I presented before the court X rays
X objection, y'ahn, and my client has fifty negative kill.
We did not see this evidence prior um use use
(44:31):
some terminology I didn't know, right, We have a fifty
kill ratio on any sort of negative that may be
used of my client. And if this so called doctor
I've not seen any credentials is insisting that these X
rays did in fact represent my clients and he can
(44:52):
only use fifty percent, and what he's brought we've not seen.
There's only one way to find out. If the X
rays match Mr Pitt's penis, then they're the true X rays.
Have four X rays? What if I hold him face down?
You pull too randomly and I get to use the
other two for the case like a magic trick. Like
(45:15):
a magic trick. Yeah, that's how it works. We just
randomly pulled two without seeing the evidence. Joanna, What is
happening here in your court? Or should I say psychus? Uh?
I'll tell you what's happening legal lism. All right, we'll
see too. Okay, we'll see too, your honor. Did you
(45:35):
want to you want to pull to uh? Look, okay, objection, Joanna?
Can we not use the wood pull when associated with
my clients pains, what we will draw to suck to.
Perhaps suck too is better? Suck to is better? Go
ahead and suck any too with my mouth or now. Look,
(45:59):
we get a lot of high profile lawyers, even like
federal judges coming through here. Okay. So when you're making
steak drinks, okay, you want to make sure they're clean
and you want to make sure they're salted correctly. All right,
So this is look, I'm gonna leave you on the
floor alone. All right, this chance on me, This is this.
I'm so excited. He don't give me that. Okay, you
earned this, Okay, I'm not. I'm not taking a chance.
(46:22):
You're putting in the work, alright. Uh test me, test me. Okay.
Someone comes up and they say, hey, I want a
Ribby Manhattan. What do you do? Go? Okay, you take
the raw steak. Uh, you dip it in vermouth, that's right. Uh.
You pour out the vermouth. You put the steak on
(46:42):
the grill. Uh. You rim the glass with uh, with
sugar and lemon. That's right. Okay, then you pour that out.
Check out the steak. It's still cooking, still cooking. You
had a little salt and pepper. Just salt and pepper.
That said, But the steaks peak for itself. Uh you
fill the glass of ice. Uh you rim it with
(47:05):
salt for the salt out. Check on the steak again.
It's over. It's done. It's been going too long. It's
well done. What do you do? Okay, take it off,
throw it away, right, take out another steak, put it grill?
What kind of steak? Excuse me, I've had a long night.
(47:27):
You guys open you guys, you guys. Take yes. Actually
he's the bartender. Yes, I canna help you a steak. Bartender. Look,
I just need a shot. If I'm being honest, I
just need a quick fact. So I'm thinking, I don't know, skirt,
I don't know what. What are you thinking. We've got
a wonderful skirt. We've got a butt, We've got we've
(47:48):
got a Porterhouse. You know what. Let's do porterhouse shot.
Let's do a shot shot a Porterhouse. Please, shot a
Porterhouse coming right up? Can you talk talk to the
process as you're making that. I love this bar. Great.
I'm going to rim your glass. I am taking out
a Porterhouse steak right now. Uh, just putting it under
(48:14):
the heat real lightly hope here she comes. You just
keep talking this. I'm cheating on my wife with this
woman here, so I'm gonna tell her now. So it's
gonna be good to I should make two of those.
Go ahead, go ahead, keep talking baby there? How are you?
(48:37):
I can't wait to make out sex later. Yeah, we're
going to do this slash of Brinadine in there. I
got a couple of shots. Who's this? Wait? Oh my god,
that's your wife. I see her portrait in your wallet.
You knew that I had a wife. Yeah, you wear
a wedding ring. So you're just gonna be doing this?
(49:00):
My fucking I'm not just gonna be doing this. Yes,
I'm not gonna just be doing this. I'm doing this.
You're doing it? What did you invite this? Both here?
I needed to first hold on. I've got a couple
of drinks coming for you, and that baby is still moving?
Still moving? What drinks do you have? What are those?
What is this? I got a couple of shots, Yeah,
(49:20):
tell tell them. I am making a couple of Porterhouse
shots right here. I am a steak bartender. So who
there's three of us here? So who do people that
get it. Just think I want a Tomahawk chocolate martini.
Hold on, hold on, okay, and I want espresso Filet
(49:41):
Mignon chocolate Martini, Espresso Fila Mignon. Got it? Got it?
You better talk through that. You better talk through that.
I'm taking out the raw beat right now. I've got
a bar of pure coco. Uh so you can see
(50:01):
everybody of the court. Sorry I did. I didn't wipe
my spit off of those should I It's okay? Okay, yes,
look I'm gonna tell you right now. Okay, Look we've
been doing this little uh little test run, little dry
run if you will dry rub, if you're talking about
steaks um and seeing how this is going to go
over cases, you know, in action. And I'm gonna tell
you right now it's it's a week. It's a week.
Do you mean I'm a reader your pediod attrition? I'm aio.
(50:27):
I'm a pediatrician or pedietrist. What's the foot one? What's
the foot one? Right? I'm asking what's the foot one?
So what I'm saying is I come in with my
what's the foot? Okay? Thank you, thank you, somebody, for
God's sakes, Sorry, I'm taking minutes of this meeting. Should
I have written all of that down? Yes, you should have.
(50:49):
And what if you have a child who needs to
go to the doctor with a foot problem? Oh that's
a great question, I think it. What do you do? Okay,
we're getting off track here. We need no no, no, no,
that's a good is I guess anyone would go to
a well. I am a pediatric piedieatrist. So you're seeing
the right guy. Okay, so there is So you have
a double specialty or is this like a single I
(51:12):
am a pediatric podietrist especially, but what what what liquid
would you give to somebody who's dehydrated? Baby? Perhaps? No
more electrolytes? Oh? What's that? So? I typically as a
pediatric podiatrist, I would get pedia light? Okay, okay? And
(51:33):
now and now do you have an infinity for young children?
By any chance? Uh? Get out of here? Who are
you are you going to that? None of you have
a child issues? Okay? Okay? Right right, right, holy point.
(51:56):
A normal person would have asked, why did he mention
or accuse you of being a pedophile? But you didn't
do that, did you. Ah? I'm not sure where you're
going with this is there a question here? Well, sure,
(52:16):
you've found a practice for a fifteen year. Some children
have come out of it better and some happen. Okay,
So I'm saying a normal person would have said why
the question about being a pedophile? But I mean I
didn't get to kick them out of my office. I
didn't say those exact words, perhaps right, And did they
(52:40):
leave here office? Oh? I'm so glad we're adding that.
I want to leave that behind. I don't want to
hear anything about that ever again you asked that question? Okay? Anyway,
so I gotta get a drink. I gotta get a
steak drink. Give what it is we're not don't talk
(53:05):
to her like that. By the way, don't talk to her.
He's allowed to. I gave him permission, written permission in HR. Sorry, folks,
I'm still talking through drink orders from yesterday. Okay. Now,
if you're going to be making them a frozen steak drink,
what do you do? Okay? All right, you get you
open the freezer? Uh the wow, Brad, you're so uh sweet?
(53:29):
Wait before we do that, do you want to grab
a cun of my I don't want to get pregnant
and I'm not on the pill. Uh you know, maybe
we could talk. That'd be good. I'd rather just talk
than than do anything. So um uh look, I have
a this is me, I'm bred pitt. This is my voice.
(53:53):
Uh there issue? Am I ugly? No? No, no, you're
not you're you're no, no, no no you're Oh no,
you're so pretty. I think it'd be better if we talked.
I don't follow. I want to talk to them with
your penis. Look, uh, I'll be honest with you. Fifty
(54:22):
of my p p has been botched. Okay, thank you
for sharing that. Can I see it? So? How was
your date? Fucking bread? Shut shut up? You get the drinks.
You get the drinks, and i'll can we get two
t bones with thank you? Okay? Can I just make them?
Can I just make them? Uh? No, we want to
(54:44):
hear it? Go ahead, want to hear Okay? Oh my golly,
let's thank our alchemist. Uh, in no particular with Caroline Connor,
lady in the pack a line, thank you so much.
You're welcome. Last time you were here, I asked um
(55:08):
last several times where folks could find you and your wares,
And the answer seems to be your Shenanigans on Instagram. Yeah,
that's true, Carter poop. I also am doing Twitch shows,
which I plugged the wrong way last time, because that's
how good. I know how it works, and it's on
it's bad stream and stream is spelled s t R
(55:29):
three A am I think, sure, Yeah, I have a
new podcast. Oh it's called Carter four Carter Core, and
the folks will find that wherever they find podcast. I
don't know. Sure, well done, well done until saying thank
(55:50):
you for being here as always. Yeah, thank you for
having me. It's great always, every good time. I really
enjoyed it when when Craig put the stick back on. Yeah,
and folks will find you. Yeah, you can find me
on my socials at a tool time. I'm on Clubhouse,
but I don't go there, so find me there. Awesome
(56:12):
and thank you so much. Chris Alvarado. Thoughts, did you
watch the first episode of Blow Dex Sailing? No, I
just started Monday. We've got some talking to do, no jesus, Okay, yeah,
I'm looking forward to getting into that. What's what's Carter
Core about? I don't know. Why don't you tell us
(56:33):
what your new podcast is about? Chris sure, sure, yeah, okay,
so this is how this is how it goes, Caroline.
So I have a new podcast, everybody. It's called The
Comedy Fix. You know, it's been described as like, uh,
comedy and philosophy talk right where the intersect. You know,
people there, everyone's talking. It's a buzz. People are a
(56:53):
buzz about it. So please check out. First listen to
carter Core and then go to The Comedy Fix. I
think it'll be a nice evening for you. Chris, does
your podcast talk about carter Core at all? It will?
It's starting up. Yeah yeah, So Caroline, somewhere between the
way you sold it and the way Chris did, that's
that pace. That's that place we're looking for you. I
(57:14):
think I get it. And thank you for that. Craig Atkowski. Great,
I'd love to plug a movie. If Possible plays The
Devil's Own Alan j Pecoola Breton is an IRA informant.
Check it out see if his Irish accident is better
than any of ours, and if Joey's impression of bread
that is any good. I feel like Harrison Ford is
(57:35):
in that. Yeah, I like that movie. Uh, speaking of
Joey Gerr's accent, Joey. Hello. Check out Alchemy this on Instagram.
You know, give it a little follow. You're gonna see
stuff what I kill you, And uh, I can't wait
for Carter Core podcast. I can't wait to figure out
(57:56):
what that is and why I'm listening to it. So
I'm excited. Let's get to the core of it. Let's
thank our producer and engineer of the stars, Mr Doug Bane,
and the fine folks that I Art Media. I'm host
Kevin Pollock, thanking you so damn much for joining us
each and every time. Please tell everyone you've ever met
about us and write a damn review if you have
(58:17):
the time. If you don't, it's a okay. It's uh
twelve noon here in Los Angeles at this very moment,
and I would like you to please be kind to
everyone you know and wear a mask damn it until
next time.
Well, come back to another episode about coove me this
COVID nineteen edition. I'm your host, Kevin Pollack, Yes that
Kevin is that. Well, if you watch our tek like
I do, then you know all about a little item
coming soon called pizza Cupcake New York's as excited as
I am. I'll tell you this. It's already available in
(00:23):
Jamie and I love them pizza cupcake. But I digress.
Let's meet. I'll come a shower, no particular orders. Say
hey to Craig Atkowski. Count how many weddings have you
been to in the last five years? And did you
enjoy any of them? I honestly think it's close to
zero and enjoyment. I can only remember one. I think
(00:47):
I went to one and uh it was fun. It
was outdoors and we camped out afterwards. And I don't
camp uh, and I don't recommend it. I don't want
to do it again, but for as a one of
one time thing. Yeah, I think one wedding every five
years is a pretty good pace because generally I do
not enjoy them, and one camping period is a pretty
good pace. Yeah, this is what I'm sensing. Uh, well,
(01:13):
camping like with tents and sleeping bags. Yeah, yeah, the
whole thing, like outdoors, ye, and like laying on the ground.
You don't want to pitch that tent indoors. It's just
not good. Uh, And thank you for that. And now
Chris Alvarado, Papa, please preach. What is your ice cream
go to and has it changed in the last three years? Ah? Yeah,
(01:38):
that's right, that's a complicated question. I'd rarely talk about
those pizza cup cakes. Yes, dude, I saw that episode,
and you know there's you know, you watch Shark Tank
is great and every now and then one product fucking
speaks to you to your insides. Right, Yeah, that product
did that for me. But let me just tell you.
Are they You'll soon have a box coming your way.
(02:01):
I will send you. I will absolutely send you a
fucking fox. Jesus, we like Joey, give me this, give
me this time. Are they savory cup It is a
cupcake that taste exactly like a pizza and it's the
only frozen to heat and eat food that Jamie gives
(02:23):
a giant thumbs up. She thinks all sort of frozen pizza.
Turns out, you gotta tell James because he made pizza
with cinnamon bread before. Yeah, no, I gotta yeah. Well,
first I'll have Chris review and then we'll we'll drive
James slowly insane. Hey, there's a tool saying everybody, yeah,
(02:47):
a tulo. If given the opportunity, would you take a
seat on a mission to the moon. No, no, no, no, no, no,
no no not. That's that's experiment. If they're asking me
to be there, that's means something went wrong, all right,
(03:07):
and they're not trying to send the best in the
brightest They're like, oh, let's try this and then we'll
send some billionaires Upren't the billionaires going? Kevin? You gotta
ask questions, all right? Why I spectrum calling me when
I don't have spectrum? You know? Yeah, they were just texting. Maybe, yes,
it's a legitimate question. Um, I wish the bot would
(03:28):
have called. That would have been awesome. What the hell?
It's Caroline Cotter Smarter Carter favorite brand of peanut butter
and favorite thing to do with it. I don't well,
I don't. I'm not. I'm not cuckoo for any kind
of nut butter, but I'll go with the one I
have in my fridge. It's a Trader Joe's And listen,
here's the thing I really don't like. I understand why
(03:51):
people like it natural peanut butter. There's too much freaking
oil in it, but I don't want the sugar firm
regular kind. So do you store it upside down? Okay, listen,
I've done that, and you know I got oil over everything. Yes,
the lid wasn't screwed a in between when I put
(04:12):
it back, but it has fucking wrecked my cabinets. And
I just moved in here like a couple of months ago,
and I had to cleaned everything, and it's sucking reck
Did you say you put your peanut butter in the
fridge to Uh? Sometimes it's in the fridge. I don't
know if I said that, but sometimes I do both.
I'm a fresh guy. And what do I cook with it? Um?
(04:34):
You know what's good is I mean a little little
peanut butter. I think that was a question. It was
what do you do with it? Eggs perhaps screaming that question,
I'd like to cook some might peanut butter. Yes, and last,
(04:55):
but get fucked if you think of least it's Joey
Greer the Tingler. When's the ship coming? What's that my nickname?
Yea the Tingler? Yeah, I'm into it. When is the
ship coming? Is out yous um asking questions? Can I
now as a follow up, the ship ain't coming. We're
(05:20):
stuck here, so strap in and get used to it.
All right? This is who we got? Oh? Is it
all right? Let's do a damn show. All of our
scene suggestions to gather from your listener emails or are
from our patreonpas. To become a patron supporter of the
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(05:40):
a now recording video of what we're doing, just head
on over to the patreon dot com slash I'll give
me this if you'd like to submit a scenes adjusted
by your email. Yeah, we're taking those. I'm reading them
and I'm writing them down. Please write to the podcast
that your name here at alcome to this dot com
that's your name here at uh Oh it was almost
(06:01):
like I was in church. Scene one comes from patroon
v I P. John Bander, who simply wrote a scene
idea going on vacation to a natural disaster. He's a
car ready, is it loaded? Can we go? Yes? Can
we go? Yes? Yes? Where the kids where the kids
(06:22):
sign my switch, can't blign my blade. They're looking for
their switch in their blade. I add you to help them,
but instead you're outside, Yes, having a smoke. That's what
I do before were going a long drive. That's right,
Just do it and blow it into my face. I
like that, Thank you? Yeah, bet, honey? Did you look
(06:46):
in the dock? Can't find my blade? Did you look
in the knife cabinet? Okay? Calling them one, honey, and
not the other one? I don't think that's well. One
is my least favorite, and I'm good. Do you want
me to lie to my children about that? Okay, get
in here, baby, honey, Sweetie, it's in the dog Sweetie,
got my play? Okay, Hello, hello, Parkinson's where you hit it? Hey, Jim,
(07:14):
we are driving across country all the way. That's right.
We're gonna we're gonna start in uh here, in in
in Chicago. We're gonna, Yep, we're gonna. Okay, honey, I
don't know he didn't He didn't finish his cigarette before
(07:35):
you asked that question. So I think you caught him
a little off guard. Yep, a little off guard and
a little in guard. If you know what I'm saying, Jim,
we're gonna head west to mr Tsunami California. I mean, hi,
Mr dear Born, you got this, you got this. We're
going to tsunami. That's it. Are you gonna see that
(07:57):
tsunami on the west coast? Yeah, yeah, we're headed right
to it. Well, that's wiped out in a big part
of California. That's the good news. We bought some property
in Nevada and and Arizona. Okay, Well, the odds of
that tsunami still being going by the time you get there, Well,
(08:19):
that's the thing, Tommy, Tommy, is that a thing to
being going? Honey? You know it's being going. And you
know this is why I said we should have been
going yesterday when we had it would have a better
chance of catching the tsunami. After you're checking in both
of our properties, Jim, this is all before we get
in the car, Mr Mayor, we uh, we just want
to talk to you, because we got the billboards that
(08:40):
say the tsunamis here, but technically it's over. Um. This
tourism campaign is um. We put a lot of money
into it. Let's keep it going. Uh sure, Mr Mayor.
I just want to say that you know are injured,
and uh, and I know we want you want to
(09:02):
get the economy going. You always say number one, get
the economy going. But is this you know your your
your wife and children are in the hospital and we
put a lot of money into this terism at people
need to see it injured. We gotta pump those numbers up.
People have to come and see the disaster. Visit the
(09:26):
West coast, Visit visit all the places that were destroyed today.
I'm sorry, he's moving so much out of the frame.
It's hard for me to keep him in the middle.
Chase me. Let's go. It's gold. You have to get it.
Mr Mayor. The best part of having you is Mayor
is kidding you? Yeah? Mr Dearborn, Mr dear Born, what
(09:55):
is it, Brendan? Can you come with us? Well, I
I haven't left Chicago in many years. I know I
heard about your family and the fire. Yeah, the local
authorities want me to stay here. But what if you
just came. I'll let you hold my blade. Well that's
(10:16):
a that's a fine blade there, Brendan. Thanks. Is it
true that you used to have a kid who was
my age? I did? I did? Then that damn fire.
What a way to go. I will be a fugitive
if I if I go with you. But I've always
wanted to see a tsunami in the odds that that
(10:38):
water is still hanging there like a solid wall in
the air days later. Uh, Now, you better play it
with your parents. Or I could just hide in the truck. Yeah,
let's do it that way. I have a little fun,
mister dear born, you have a little fun. Just cut
a breathing hole for me. Okay, I got my blade.
(11:01):
There you go. Okay, so we made it um to Nevada,
to our first house. Every How are you doing? Boys? Boys?
Ask you a question? Answer the damn question. I don't know.
Can you look I'm driving. Can you turn around and
see if they're Oh my god, they're awake, Mom, dad, Timmy, London.
(11:31):
Where are you guys? I've found the switch? Where where
is everybody? I should hear you on the alexa? Are
you talking to the alexa? Oh my god, honey, is
he stuck? He is stuck in the alexa? Is the alexa?
(11:55):
Tell me to unplug the alexa? I think I want
to get there, I think. Okay, honey, don't freak out. Okay, honey,
scared Alexa, can you please get my son out of
the inside of you and then kill yourself? You would
(12:17):
like to start a new list. Uh no, Alexa, Yes,
can you please? My son, My honey, bunny boy, my
number one love favorite son is in there with his
Nintendo switch. Can you get him out of you? Please?
Adding a Nintendo switch to your card? No, I don't
(12:38):
need another one, Alexa. Mr dear bar Oh you cut
was It wasn't very big? Can you hear what's going on?
My brother's trapped again. I'm trapped in the trunk. We're
running out of air. You're fine? Where are we now?
(13:00):
Where are we? I just said we're in Nevada? Shut up?
Are you just? That was just a moment. But then
all that stuff happened with with Timmy and the Alexa.
I don't like to hit you, but I'll do it.
She does like we're in Nevada, local Nevada food. You
haven't given me food or drink, lipping on the road
(13:20):
for I think three days. Can I have snack? What
kind of snack? Do you like beer more than anything?
Can I have a beer snack? What does it mean? Beer?
Not tuney he means a beer snack. Well, what is that?
It's beer as a snack. Dammit? Does kids advance? So
(13:43):
we give him one? What do you think? I just
want to see that tsunami. How far away are we
from the tsunami? Mom? How far away are we from
the tsunami? While we're gonna stop in Nevada check on
our property, then go to Arizona check our other property.
Cots the cops. All right, I got this, I got this. Okay,
(14:06):
Uh can you roll down your window please? You don't
have to make the noise, honey, it just doesn't I'd
like to do it. You know. I used to good
morning officer. That's my wife. She's hilarious. I'll speak to
the driver. Okay, you on the passengers side can just
just hang on. Yeah, she's got it all right. Don't
(14:26):
don't get mad at me. I'll come to the other side.
You know what. I'm gonna come to the other side.
I get to talk to him. This is great. I
wonder if he good morning officer. Do you smoke cigarettes?
I do. I'm a marble man myself, mostly marvel Red's
the best place to be. I just want to check
(14:47):
your driving west and I don't know if you know,
but there there's been a tsunami in the West, so
I don't know. California's huh, hey, kids, you've been down
back there. I'm talking to officer Officer Hernandez. My other brother.
(15:08):
My brother's trapped in the alexa. Okay, what's what's that?
What's that noise? It's his other brother and he was bad,
so he put him in the trunk for a minute.
It sounds like, honey, honey, what are you talking about?
Our other things? And he's her favorite son. She's the
officer Hernana's honey, do you not hear someone coming up
(15:29):
talking from the trunk? So I'm just gonna tell the
officer that that's one of our children. If you're okay
with that, just fucking smile Jesus, thank you. Officer Hernandez.
Do you have a family? Uh? Yeah? Do? I got
my favorite son, Billy. That's that's the one we got.
I got one named Charlie. Gets smoke alarms. You won't
regret it. Mr. Get smoke alarms. They pay for themselves.
(15:53):
You're not going down like this. Take my plate. Our
oldest just started selling smoke alarms, so he's a little forward. Okay,
that's an interesting high school thing to sell. Can I
ask you why you pulled us over? Good question? Good?
I was just checking your going west again. I will repeat,
there was a tsunami, California has almost fallen off the map.
But you're gonna go west. This is the only cart.
(16:16):
We're the only ones headed that way. Well look at that, honey, Wow,
this is a good, unique vacation. It's not illegal. Right,
we can go. You know the law. It sounds like
that's right, officer. Her name is. I don't talk to kids, alright.
I have a good one, all right, everybody? All right?
(16:37):
He was my hero. So Dad, you're not you're not
actually concerned about who's in the trunk? Right? Well, now
has left. But but wouldn't you want to know who
it is in front of the copse? No? No, son,
I assumed that that whoever is in the trunk, you
seem super friendly with You're okay with it. So now
(16:58):
I have questions for you. Who's in the trunk? I
see because I'm the bad kid. Well you're not the
good one. He's gotta check on. Mr dear Born. That's
my day. Oh you live? The house is still standing up?
To that fire ship ship. I lost him. Oh shit,
(17:23):
oh shit, I lost God damn I lost him. Oh okay, fuck, Okay, okay, okay, okay, Mark,
calm down, breathe for a second. He's fine. He's probably
just taking an app mark you check in on Mr
Dearborn copy over checking on him now, he's probably taking
an app che Over. Don't start your conversations with over.
(17:45):
Then I stopped listening, so it gets confusing. Over and
I'm looking at him now. I'm I'm gonna find him over, Lieutenant. Lieutenant,
you're you're micromanaging Mark. Just let him do his job.
I think the last time I asked my assistant to
(18:05):
chime in on matters of state law was never. Now,
you never did. Okay, can I get you so you're
still having Chinese for lunch? Okay? Wow, you were right.
That tsunami is just hanging there. It's still it's just there.
That's something like, oh my god, it's a wall of water.
(18:28):
That is amazing. Dad, Dad, go see that tsunami. That's
what my boy said before he burned alive. Jim, Can
I ask how you ended up in the trunk? Well,
timmy brand didn't put me in the trunk. He asked
me if I wanted to go along? Damn Brandon, he
cut the cut the smallest of holes for me with
his blade. Who's bad? Now you're in the hero now son?
(18:53):
Because you're honey? No stop, alexaid, do not let my
favorite son go towards the light? What Alexa are you talking?
Shoot the one in the car? Asshole? Oh, Linda, what
you needn't be so obvious with what son you love
(19:15):
and what you're not sure about. I don't think I'm
being obvious. Can you tell which one I like and
which one I ate? I don't think so. I think
he can. And also the boy in the Alexa is gone.
It's our son? When not anymore? You all want to
take a photo in front of the giant wall of
water just kind of frozen in time? Yes? Please? Alright?
(19:37):
Sixty bucks phones, sir? Yeah, I don't think we need
to do that. Look this this is private property. So
if you want to take a photo in front of
this giant wall of frozen water, I mean not literally,
but just you know, it's just kind of floating in time.
Can we see the injured people on? Do you want
(20:01):
to see the injured people? Yeah? I heard there was
a look at me, look at my pinky, look at
that Hey ask you to back away from my son
for a moment there, but I'll back away for sixty bucks.
So if the tsunami hasn't pressed yet, how did the
people get hurt? I may shut the hell up? Man,
(20:24):
you want me to hit sixty bucks. I don't think
we know how a tsunami works. And that is seen
number one. He just wanted sixty bucks. Seem two comes
from Thomas Lawson, who wrote, Hello alchomus, You guys are
fantastic and everything you do well, you've not seen everything.
(20:48):
I'll keep it short and sweet, but we'll say that
you guys are keeping us all sane with these podcasts.
My suggestion Irish Mob book Club. Thanks to th h
O for Thomas to I'll say it again, no more Choyce.
Everyone here, everyone brings up Choyce. Can't really read anything else? Okay,
(21:12):
thing else? I understand. I have a pitch for the
next book. Let's hear it then, Okay here, have you
ever heard of a book called Ulysses by James Joyce?
Is apsode whose favorites that's brilliant in your fucking face
Tommy Janigan. Look before we get into the nippy curty
(21:34):
about what book we're going to read. That's probably Choyce.
Words come to my ear that there's a rat insider
book club, like a literal a literal rat everywhere. Yes,
we have rempotation. We live next to a ratty. That's outrageous.
We're all Irish here, we're all in the Irish mob.
(21:59):
Here's a tank fellas and lady thank you. If we
don't pick a book today, then we've got nothing to
show next week. You know what happens when the boss
comes if we don't have a book report ready for
the boss. And that's what about so so embarrassing? Last
time we had to go and stand up there and
(22:20):
do a course on nothing, make it up? It was
so bad. But what about the rock? What we gotta
do something about the rat? Clearly that's we got a
snitch in here. Who's telling the boss that we're not
reading books? Who's snitching? I probably suggests it's the one
that's not like the others. What do you mean me
(22:43):
because I'm from Glasgow originally for me because my parents
are Irish born and bred. Didn't mean to get burnt
out there. You know that. Let's let's go around the
horn one more time. Can we place what around the horn?
What the hell does that a phone is? That's That's
an expression I've never heard before, which makes me that
(23:05):
you are the rat. Hold on, you never heard expression
before around the horn on ESPN. Oh wait, now that
you say it, I did see that, but I never
associated the ESPN show with that expression, I guess. So,
egg on my face, Egg on your face, on my face,
(23:26):
on your face? Where are you from, then, darling with
the aggy face? What? Where are you from? Them? Your paper? Cork,
Cork County, Ireland? Right? What? Straight? Wait? Why am I
getting all these questions? We had the other one? I
feel like this is because I'm the only last Well,
you guys know me. I'm I'm Shamous Affinity, and I'm
(23:49):
from Irish Town and I've been in the Irish mop
with you guys for a long long time. We know that. Sam.
There's your question there, the whole question, nobody's question. Let's
keep going around the horn. Shamous. Uh, how are you
doing in the mob? How you how did they believe you? Why?
Why did you get this undercover of sigements? Shamous I'm here,
(24:10):
I'm your You're the best man for the job, Samous.
You have the accident that I don't know, Shamous to you.
You have the name, and that's what all they need.
The Irish Mob is so hard to get into, and
now you're in it. I've been taking care of your family.
The family is good, but you can't see him. Well
why can't I see them? Oh, that's just the rules, Shamous.
(24:31):
Here's a photo. That's your that's your wife, that's your son.
He's fourteen now. And there's your daughter and she's uh,
she's ten. Okay, Oh, here they come. Oh well, I've
got got a book report, got a book report. Your
(24:52):
boss is coming. Yes, so we all have our ready,
so we all be a great We all read different
books and that's what we did, different choice books. You
read anything else? Any other book? Nope, book just Joyce alright?
(25:15):
For Fox, it's Arthur Guinness right, Uh yeah, I want
to hear you, hear you reports. I want to increase
my knowledge. I gotta ask. I mean, at some point
we're going to commit crimes, right, I mean, we are
(25:36):
the Irish Mob. Are there any crimes that you want
us to commit? Coming up? In the near future before
we get that's a strange question, if you don't mind
me saying Sall's I wanted to mention any crimes boil Well.
I read doubling Ers by James Joyce j Christ boil
(26:03):
All the stories take place in Dublin on the on
the same day night, and uh, it just felt like
quit essentially Irish to me. You know, it just reminded
me of growing up in irishton true true, true, good apart,
Next they're up, Tommy, fuck you? Yeah. I read Twilight,
(26:30):
Um what novel by James joy No, seems Joyce didn't
write it. Yeah, she's she's part Irish. Yeah, go ahead,
and the toys are quite in trolling, a little disturbed
that everyone was a tween and whatnot, so that in
(26:50):
my head I imagined everyone was in college, you know.
Just but anyway, all in all, Wait, you know it's
not illegal for you to read a book about twins
and right, No, it's it's it's wrong. I made that call.
It was wrong. So do you feel like you committed
a crime? No, No, I didn't. I did while I
(27:11):
while I was buying the book. Your report to me
that you're read it is that the extent of your
fucking book report. Jesus Chris. Everyone's cooling at me while
I'm talking, as if I couldn't even get tried. You
know what, fuck it fun, I didn't read it. I
didn't read I wanted the movie. Well maybe here's the rat.
All right, fuck you famous, you piece of ship. You
(27:34):
kill you. I'll kill you, kill you, I kill you.
I'm irish and alright, alright, I want to say something.
You gotta report first, But is it Michael? Come on,
share the report. We all want to learn. Wait, I'm
the rat. Nobody says I'm the rat, and actually is
(27:57):
the rat. It's true, I'm the rat covering for I
read Sally Rooney's Normal People. Oh what did you think?
Did you like it better in conversations with friends? No?
Actually I like conversations with friends better. But listen to
my accent. I barely have one. Can't be the right?
Id be better? Promote him? Can't? That's true? You're you're
(28:20):
a cup and now normal PayPal? No normal the app? PayPal?
I thought me exclusively agree to use Venmo. We're dead, Shamus?
How are you doing in the house? The book report? Weird? Weird?
(28:42):
It's just weird. Any crimes, Well, I think one guy
did cocaine, another guy had thought crimes about tweens and uh,
and one guy admitted to being the rat when I
don't know if he is or not. Did you send
somebody else in? His accident is worse than mine? All right?
That's not a ball, Shamous. You have the worst exan
in the world. Shamus. He is a picture of your family.
(29:04):
That's your wife, that's your son. He's fifteen. Now, how
are they so much older? They give me a hold
of every day, Chamus. You're missing him, but you have
to stay in them all. Oh, here they come, ja
ja Shamus, Shamus? Did you want some potatoes? Shamus? I
(29:26):
just thought I thought we'd have some potatoes for lunch today. Well,
did you bring some? You can't just say potato and
not have any. Yeah? Sure, Well I've got these potatoes
made just the way that potatoes. What just add water?
That's right, just like my old mom used to make.
(29:50):
We used to make powdered potatoes. She did, used to
make powdered potatoes. Are you saying I'm not a real
Irish member because I powdered potatoes? Okay, okay, Okay, we're
all normal paper here. Michael, Mike no normal PayPal. Yes,
Michael might be the rat. Michael's the Rata. It could
smell it on him. It's you, Michael. Yeah. What do
you mean you know to think Michael's the rat too?
(30:10):
Ever since you admitted to be in the rat, ever
since she said yes, I said no, you said Michael,
I said Michael was the rack. Yes, and your Michael.
You're Michael. You're Michael. Okay, okay, When are we gonna
(30:34):
see dad again? What? When are we going to see
dad again? Calm down, my Irish children. You know that
your Irish father is at work, right, He's Irish and
we're not. I'm sorry, You're so fucked. I am so
(30:58):
messed up in the head. Police officer comes by to
take photos of us every day, just telling us about
what your father does. And you what did you saying?
What did you say to me? Look at me in
the eye and say that, Look at me in my
one eye and say that again. What do you mean?
(31:21):
Let me get the door. It's me. I need a
picture of the family yesterday. To take it, I have
to switch over with me. Why well, today is the
(31:42):
last day of being a mob. Wow, we all graduated.
That's amazing. We have to give out It's amazing. We've
got to give out this special award. Yeah, the the
what you wu call it? You know? The um what
is the word? It's no like like Joyce would have
(32:06):
increased your vocabulary. It has, but not with any words
that I could use in day to day's speech. You
know the thing that it's like voted most likely to Yes,
we're going to give up. Yes, that's right, Tommy for
the seventh year in a row. You've got You've got
(32:28):
that special award for you and probably name it the
Tommy at some point, I mean, look back at all
the crimes we committed. What were some of your favorites
that you guys did Dad? Dad? Is that you? What
a second? Who's the boy here? You kid? I don't
(32:51):
know you either. Just get out of this. Just so
you know, Mom lost her other eyes. Okay, what what's
going on? Tommy? Grab him? Listen to me, a little freak.
Don't pick the coming in here thinking you can just
pointing any one of us to say where your dad?
(33:11):
Because it ain't true. Cut your head off and slam
it down your ass. You know what, I'm saying, he
is my dad. That's my dad, and I prove it, Tommy,
hold him tight. Let me teach this kid a thing
or two. Oh, I want to know. I want to
see if you can prove that that's his dad. Oh,
we're gonna play that game out. We fine. Why is
(33:36):
he your friend? Why would you say Shamus of all
of us? There's a there's a photo in my in
my jacket pocket. Pull it out. Is our photo in there? Tommy?
See this here? There is literally photo. Anybody could have
doctored that photoshop that. Hold on a sec your wife,
(33:57):
no eyes or someone's wife, no, i'ball And then this
young this young lad here, but I don't see any dad.
It's me. I'm his dad. I'm the rat. Kill me
and my boy. Michael was the rat. You. I love you.
(34:17):
We're gonna go do dad and kid things now, Okay,
Dad and kid, me, Dad and son. Let's go. Sorry, Michael,
please stop fucking touching the boy. I'm begging you. It's
a bit creepy. It sounds like something out of Twilight.
It's a huge Now you get it, now you understand
what or it's like that seen in normal PayPal where
(34:39):
they have sex. Oh yeah, okay, I hate you. You're
the worst that ever. I hate you for being undercover
detective trying to infiltrate in the Irish yab What the
heck is this guy going on about? I'm sorry I
had to tell your son about everything. Oh fuck you, Alex.
(35:02):
You know I said we were having a bonding moment.
It was after an accident with your wife, but we
had a really nice time chatting and I just opened
up terrible at your job. Man, I don't know, I know,
I know. I I should have gotten the assignment. You
should have been here with your family. I I'm single.
It's still I'm single. I mean, I'm on the apps,
I'm on normal PayPal. I'm trying to meet people and
(35:24):
it's not going well. But I'm really sorry about about
your son and your wife's eyes. And uh, I hope
you'll forgive me or do you get any photos? No?
I brought you this book as a gift. Well shame
as you've been debriefed. We're gonna give you a new name, right,
it's gonna be Jim Dearborn. We're gonna relocate you to Chicago,
(35:48):
and we actually have a family that you're gonna be
living with Okay? Uh? Do I have an elaborate backstory?
Is Jim Dearborn? Uh? Sure, yeah, yeah you used to?
Do you want to get with this, Jim? I mean
(36:08):
the more detail the better. I mean the work that
I put into creating Shamus uh affinity part of me.
Guys Uh Roger of the Relocation services. You know, this
is an old house you're moving into. Okay, old house,
So get a different house. Yeah, that's that's what it
(36:29):
sounds like. It's only it's the only house we can
provide him in Chicago. It's the only house we can get. Well,
i mean the prices in Chicago are there, let's be
footage wise, it's not. It's comparable on the North side side. Yeah,
we're talking about appliances and everything else in there. Relocation
Services hasn't been pulling their weight when it comes to
witness protection. Listen, Jim, your addresses sixteen sixteen North Wales. Okay,
(36:55):
and that's that's your new home. Just be careful. It's well,
we were working on the back story. So yeah, let's
let's give Jim a little more to play with than
what his address says. No thanks, now he knows, no,
thank you. I want to know about Chicago is uh,
it doesn't seem much. My right doesn't seem much. Hi,
(37:19):
I'm sorry. I'm here for the backstory department. I'm ohome
his wife. I'm supposed to be. Yep, this is Cindy, Jim.
This is your wife, and you're gonna have two kids,
one of which is kind of super great, the other
one little shaky. Okay, so backstory. Let's let's say that
(37:39):
you you're working paint, U you invent paint, and you smoke.
Now you smoke now, definitely the back story department. It
sounds like you guys are just riffing. Um no, I'm
literally from the backstory department, Like I am part of
I'm your wife, but I'm not creative, so please don't
please don't ask me to outside of my about like
(38:03):
you might be half what you're maybe a werewolf. Maybe
you're a werewolf or like a vampire paints and smokes. Yeah, yeah,
good stuff. This is a good stuff. And then um,
let's see what else is Hello, I am here, I'll
be playing your son. It's not a big deal deal.
(38:28):
Royal Academy of Dramatic Cards. This kid is so what's
the backstory. Who's this lady? My mom? I'm your mom.
It's funny. I think I'm younger than you. Wow, if
I slip the tongue in there, it's gonna be fun.
I don't die. I hope we don't die in this.
The folks, the folks next door, the Parkinson's what crime
(38:50):
did they commits? That's for me to find. Yeah, we
don't know. We lead here whatsoever. You're the lead, You're
the tip of the spear. You figure this out to you.
I was told I was co lead. No, no, you're
you're definitely definitely, uh yeah, don't worry about that. I
(39:13):
was this close to exposing Arthur Guinness and the Irish mob.
Yeah that the emphasis on this close never quite brought
that one home. Shamous. That was sixteen years of investigation
down the drain. Because your mistake, You're a shame on
all of us. That in fact is seen too. That
(39:37):
a scene too, Thank you. Seen. Three cops are paton
on committee. I Will Morris, who wrote, Dear alchemist, Will
moris here upstate St. Louis native and the only documented
case of a person kept alive entirely on alchemy. This
alone thank you so much for engaging my dark sense
of human helping me laugh about my father's stroke rehabilitation situation.
(39:59):
My dad enjoyed the episode as well. Oh that's good
to hear. We were hoping, uh it might reach him,
and so thank you for letting us know that. Uh will,
I'll keep it short. I want to hear Brad Pitt
sue for his botched steak knife vast sect to me
and would absolutely love Joey's Southern Judge, Joey, you butt
sucking toad liquor, stop setting me All these jars labeled
(40:23):
Joey's Yummy Yogurt. They're never sealed, always arrived covered in mold,
and they attracked snakes. I gotta goddamn snake infection. I'm
not going to quote unquote sell them to the kids
or quote help you make yogurt. Weirdo will ye sorry,
(40:47):
I'm not going to be quiet. Isn't the quarter? Alright? Mr?
Hey hey o oh? He said, alright, Mr Pitt, Are
you sure you want to represent yourself? Um? Yes, I do. Yeah,
you can just talk normal pitch. This is this is
(41:07):
how I talk. Yeah, it seems like you're doing an
oppression of somebody you've acted with maybe huh no, no, no, no, no,
I haven't no, I am I know. Okay, sound sounds
better now, all right? And uh the other side of
the aisle, I just I do feel like, Um, this
(41:30):
is a defense by the way, Yeah, and you don't
need to do that voice either, just speak normal. I'm okay,
I'm sorry. Um, I was trying to be a woman.
What did you guys think, did I What do you
guys think? Actually, let's go back to that. Let's go
back to that. Okay, So basically like or the defense,
(41:54):
and um, it's an insult that Brad Pitt is like here,
like why is he not hiring a professional to prosecute us?
You know what I mean? Like, it's an insult to me.
I went to years and years and years of law school,
top of my class. Okay, that's nothing to do with
(42:15):
the case. He can can he as the right? So
we're talking about your pp got cut right? Oh well
a little bit I had. Um this is well my
I had surgery, and UM, I would greatly appreciate if
(42:35):
you would not address my client directly. Oh sorry, I
was late to caught this morning, y'ahna. But it is
in fact a pleasure to be at your side again. No, no, no,
it's my honor. It's everybody in this court's honor. WI imagine.
So so then if you had a question for my client, please,
(43:01):
what would that question be? I just wanted to get
a brief summary of the case from your end. Well,
it's all they're in front of you in the documentation. Basically,
my client, the Academy Award winning actor briand Pit, had
a piece of his paenis removed unsatisfactory and we are
(43:22):
seeking damages to the tune of a hundred and sixteen
million dollars. Wow, that sounded so good. That sounded that
sounded so good. That's gonna be tough to lose. Yeah, yeah,
I think so. I think that deserves Yeah yeah, I'm
used to more than a smattering. But it's a uh defense.
(43:44):
Anything to say or should we just call it? Oh God,
that one's gonna be hard to um do something, do
something about this coming through. I'm a doctor. We didn't
see this coming. This is weird, okay, alright, yeah yeah,
please come through, come through, and just part of the
(44:06):
coat too. And I have a brief case. Now you'll
see here as I presented before the court X rays
X objection, y'ahn, and my client has fifty negative kill.
We did not see this evidence prior um use use
(44:31):
some terminology I didn't know, right, We have a fifty
kill ratio on any sort of negative that may be
used of my client. And if this so called doctor
I've not seen any credentials is insisting that these X
rays did in fact represent my clients and he can
(44:52):
only use fifty percent, and what he's brought we've not seen.
There's only one way to find out. If the X
rays match Mr Pitt's penis, then they're the true X rays.
Have four X rays? What if I hold him face down?
You pull too randomly and I get to use the
other two for the case like a magic trick. Like
(45:15):
a magic trick. Yeah, that's how it works. We just
randomly pulled two without seeing the evidence. Joanna, What is
happening here in your court? Or should I say psychus? Uh?
I'll tell you what's happening legal lism. All right, we'll
see too. Okay, we'll see too, your honor. Did you
(45:35):
want to you want to pull to uh? Look, okay, objection, Joanna?
Can we not use the wood pull when associated with
my clients pains, what we will draw to suck to.
Perhaps suck too is better? Suck to is better? Go
ahead and suck any too with my mouth or now. Look,
(45:59):
we get a lot of high profile lawyers, even like
federal judges coming through here. Okay. So when you're making
steak drinks, okay, you want to make sure they're clean
and you want to make sure they're salted correctly. All right,
So this is look, I'm gonna leave you on the
floor alone. All right, this chance on me, This is this.
I'm so excited. He don't give me that. Okay, you
earned this, Okay, I'm not. I'm not taking a chance.
(46:22):
You're putting in the work, alright. Uh test me, test me. Okay.
Someone comes up and they say, hey, I want a
Ribby Manhattan. What do you do? Go? Okay, you take
the raw steak. Uh, you dip it in vermouth, that's right. Uh.
You pour out the vermouth. You put the steak on
(46:42):
the grill. Uh. You rim the glass with uh, with
sugar and lemon. That's right. Okay, then you pour that out.
Check out the steak. It's still cooking, still cooking. You
had a little salt and pepper. Just salt and pepper.
That said, But the steaks peak for itself. Uh you
fill the glass of ice. Uh you rim it with
(47:05):
salt for the salt out. Check on the steak again.
It's over. It's done. It's been going too long. It's
well done. What do you do? Okay, take it off,
throw it away, right, take out another steak, put it grill?
What kind of steak? Excuse me, I've had a long night.
(47:27):
You guys open you guys, you guys. Take yes. Actually
he's the bartender. Yes, I canna help you a steak. Bartender. Look,
I just need a shot. If I'm being honest, I
just need a quick fact. So I'm thinking, I don't know, skirt,
I don't know what. What are you thinking. We've got
a wonderful skirt. We've got a butt, We've got we've
(47:48):
got a Porterhouse. You know what. Let's do porterhouse shot.
Let's do a shot shot a Porterhouse. Please, shot a
Porterhouse coming right up? Can you talk talk to the
process as you're making that. I love this bar. Great.
I'm going to rim your glass. I am taking out
a Porterhouse steak right now. Uh, just putting it under
(48:14):
the heat real lightly hope here she comes. You just
keep talking this. I'm cheating on my wife with this
woman here, so I'm gonna tell her now. So it's
gonna be good to I should make two of those.
Go ahead, go ahead, keep talking baby there? How are you?
(48:37):
I can't wait to make out sex later. Yeah, we're
going to do this slash of Brinadine in there. I
got a couple of shots. Who's this? Wait? Oh my god,
that's your wife. I see her portrait in your wallet.
You knew that I had a wife. Yeah, you wear
a wedding ring. So you're just gonna be doing this?
(49:00):
My fucking I'm not just gonna be doing this. Yes,
I'm not gonna just be doing this. I'm doing this.
You're doing it? What did you invite this? Both here?
I needed to first hold on. I've got a couple
of drinks coming for you, and that baby is still moving?
Still moving? What drinks do you have? What are those?
What is this? I got a couple of shots, Yeah,
(49:20):
tell tell them. I am making a couple of Porterhouse
shots right here. I am a steak bartender. So who
there's three of us here? So who do people that
get it. Just think I want a Tomahawk chocolate martini.
Hold on, hold on, okay, and I want espresso Filet
(49:41):
Mignon chocolate Martini, Espresso Fila Mignon. Got it? Got it?
You better talk through that. You better talk through that.
I'm taking out the raw beat right now. I've got
a bar of pure coco. Uh so you can see
(50:01):
everybody of the court. Sorry I did. I didn't wipe
my spit off of those should I It's okay? Okay, yes,
look I'm gonna tell you right now. Okay, Look we've
been doing this little uh little test run, little dry
run if you will dry rub, if you're talking about
steaks um and seeing how this is going to go
over cases, you know, in action. And I'm gonna tell
you right now it's it's a week. It's a week.
Do you mean I'm a reader your pediod attrition? I'm aio.
(50:27):
I'm a pediatrician or pedietrist. What's the foot one? What's
the foot one? Right? I'm asking what's the foot one?
So what I'm saying is I come in with my
what's the foot? Okay? Thank you, thank you, somebody, for
God's sakes, Sorry, I'm taking minutes of this meeting. Should
I have written all of that down? Yes, you should have.
(50:49):
And what if you have a child who needs to
go to the doctor with a foot problem? Oh that's
a great question, I think it. What do you do? Okay,
we're getting off track here. We need no no, no, no,
that's a good is I guess anyone would go to
a well. I am a pediatric piedieatrist. So you're seeing
the right guy. Okay, so there is So you have
a double specialty or is this like a single I
(51:12):
am a pediatric podietrist especially, but what what what liquid
would you give to somebody who's dehydrated? Baby? Perhaps? No
more electrolytes? Oh? What's that? So? I typically as a
pediatric podiatrist, I would get pedia light? Okay, okay? And
(51:33):
now and now do you have an infinity for young children?
By any chance? Uh? Get out of here? Who are
you are you going to that? None of you have
a child issues? Okay? Okay? Right right, right, holy point.
(51:56):
A normal person would have asked, why did he mention
or accuse you of being a pedophile? But you didn't
do that, did you. Ah? I'm not sure where you're
going with this is there a question here? Well, sure,
(52:16):
you've found a practice for a fifteen year. Some children
have come out of it better and some happen. Okay,
So I'm saying a normal person would have said why
the question about being a pedophile? But I mean I
didn't get to kick them out of my office. I
didn't say those exact words, perhaps right, And did they
(52:40):
leave here office? Oh? I'm so glad we're adding that.
I want to leave that behind. I don't want to
hear anything about that ever again you asked that question? Okay? Anyway,
so I gotta get a drink. I gotta get a
steak drink. Give what it is we're not don't talk
(53:05):
to her like that. By the way, don't talk to her.
He's allowed to. I gave him permission, written permission in HR. Sorry, folks,
I'm still talking through drink orders from yesterday. Okay. Now,
if you're going to be making them a frozen steak drink,
what do you do? Okay? All right, you get you
open the freezer? Uh the wow, Brad, you're so uh sweet?
(53:29):
Wait before we do that, do you want to grab
a cun of my I don't want to get pregnant
and I'm not on the pill. Uh you know, maybe
we could talk. That'd be good. I'd rather just talk
than than do anything. So um uh look, I have
a this is me, I'm bred pitt. This is my voice.
(53:53):
Uh there issue? Am I ugly? No? No, no, you're
not you're you're no, no, no no you're Oh no,
you're so pretty. I think it'd be better if we talked.
I don't follow. I want to talk to them with
your penis. Look, uh, I'll be honest with you. Fifty
(54:22):
of my p p has been botched. Okay, thank you
for sharing that. Can I see it? So? How was
your date? Fucking bread? Shut shut up? You get the drinks.
You get the drinks, and i'll can we get two
t bones with thank you? Okay? Can I just make them?
Can I just make them? Uh? No, we want to
(54:44):
hear it? Go ahead, want to hear Okay? Oh my golly,
let's thank our alchemist. Uh, in no particular with Caroline Connor,
lady in the pack a line, thank you so much.
You're welcome. Last time you were here, I asked um
(55:08):
last several times where folks could find you and your wares,
And the answer seems to be your Shenanigans on Instagram. Yeah,
that's true, Carter poop. I also am doing Twitch shows,
which I plugged the wrong way last time, because that's
how good. I know how it works, and it's on
it's bad stream and stream is spelled s t R
(55:29):
three A am I think, sure, Yeah, I have a
new podcast. Oh it's called Carter four Carter Core, and
the folks will find that wherever they find podcast. I
don't know. Sure, well done, well done until saying thank
(55:50):
you for being here as always. Yeah, thank you for
having me. It's great always, every good time. I really
enjoyed it when when Craig put the stick back on. Yeah,
and folks will find you. Yeah, you can find me
on my socials at a tool time. I'm on Clubhouse,
but I don't go there, so find me there. Awesome
(56:12):
and thank you so much. Chris Alvarado. Thoughts, did you
watch the first episode of Blow Dex Sailing? No, I
just started Monday. We've got some talking to do, no jesus, Okay, yeah,
I'm looking forward to getting into that. What's what's Carter
Core about? I don't know. Why don't you tell us
(56:33):
what your new podcast is about? Chris sure, sure, yeah, okay,
so this is how this is how it goes, Caroline.
So I have a new podcast, everybody. It's called The
Comedy Fix. You know, it's been described as like, uh,
comedy and philosophy talk right where the intersect. You know,
people there, everyone's talking. It's a buzz. People are a
(56:53):
buzz about it. So please check out. First listen to
carter Core and then go to The Comedy Fix. I
think it'll be a nice evening for you. Chris, does
your podcast talk about carter Core at all? It will?
It's starting up. Yeah yeah, So Caroline, somewhere between the
way you sold it and the way Chris did, that's
that pace. That's that place we're looking for you. I
(57:14):
think I get it. And thank you for that. Craig Atkowski. Great,
I'd love to plug a movie. If Possible plays The
Devil's Own Alan j Pecoola Breton is an IRA informant.
Check it out see if his Irish accident is better
than any of ours, and if Joey's impression of bread
that is any good. I feel like Harrison Ford is
(57:35):
in that. Yeah, I like that movie. Uh, speaking of
Joey Gerr's accent, Joey. Hello. Check out Alchemy this on Instagram.
You know, give it a little follow. You're gonna see
stuff what I kill you, And uh, I can't wait
for Carter Core podcast. I can't wait to figure out
(57:56):
what that is and why I'm listening to it. So
I'm excited. Let's get to the core of it. Let's
thank our producer and engineer of the stars, Mr Doug Bane,
and the fine folks that I Art Media. I'm host
Kevin Pollock, thanking you so damn much for joining us
each and every time. Please tell everyone you've ever met
about us and write a damn review if you have
(58:17):
the time. If you don't, it's a okay. It's uh
twelve noon here in Los Angeles at this very moment,
and I would like you to please be kind to
everyone you know and wear a mask damn it until
next time.
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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