June 7, 2022 • 49 mins
Neighboring condom factories go to war
Pardon me, do you have the time?
Hash brown World Championship
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Alchemy This.
I'm your guest host, James Heeney. I'm sitting in for
Kevin Pollock today. Let's meet our alchemists in particular order. Cool,
Welcome to Alchemy This. How are you today? Great? Thank
you for picking me first. Um, I mean this particular
(00:22):
order thing is fantastic. I really love it, so thank you.
Thanks for having me. Great. I've got a question for you.
It's personalized just for this experience. What is the biggest
asset that you bring to a softball team? Oh? Uh, well,
I bat leadoff most of the time and I hit
opposite field most of the time too, So I get
(00:43):
on base. That's what I do. I'm fascinating it on
base Now, is that the most important part of being
Like you think that that? Like, if you don't get
on base, what are you doing on a baseball team?
Or is there other things that are important? Everybody has
different roles, you know, Like the leadoff guys are just
supposed to get onto. Then the big boppers come up
and hit a deep flyball, so even if it gets caught,
you can score on it. Tag up that kind of thing.
(01:03):
But it's our job to get on base or for
people on base to you know, get singles or doubles rubbers,
driv them in. So and I play left field, so
I'm pretty good outfielder those two things. All right, get
on base for the big boppers. Next up, we've got
Mark Gagliar and hello, thanks for being here today. Hey James,
it's good. It's good to see you. It's good to
have you hosting. I'm glad that you decided on a
(01:24):
particular order as a middle child. Uh, this is where
I'm like, I feel most comfortable. I'm glad. I've got
a question that I've personalized just for you appreciate. I
was wondering, are you better at waking up super early
and starting work at four am? Like you had to
wake up before that, get ready and get to work
at four am, four starting late and working until six am,
(01:47):
at which point then you gotta go home. Every time
I think that I'm going to start working late in
the day and I'm like, I'm just gonna power through.
I'm gonna start late, and I'm gonna do this I
inevitably and in bed by ten thirty. So I'll start
and I'll be like, Okay, I gotta get this work done.
I'm starting late today, so we're gonna, we're gonna, we're
(02:09):
gonna go into the night. And now I'm sleepy, good night,
and I just stumble off to bed. Um. So I
prefer I don't know whether I'm more productive in the morning. Also,
I think living on the West Coast, I like to
get up really early because otherwise sometimes I feel like
I am three hours behind the rest of the country,
especially when all of the live morning television uh is
(02:32):
from the East Coast. If I turn on the news
in the morning, well they're like, well it's lunchtime. I'm like,
I've already lost half of my day. So I profess yourself. Yeah,
I look, I know I should just uh, I should
just turn on the TV, hit pause for three hours,
and then at exactly eleven oh one, be like, now
(02:54):
they can start talking about lunch. Well, I've got one
last alchemist to reduce, and I've this particular order puts
Craig Kakowski in the final lineup. Craig, thanks for joining today. James,
what a what a pleasure. It's so formal too. I
think I've figured out your m O. It's reverse alphabetical
(03:16):
by last name. Yeah, that's it. I didn't want to
say thank you for finding an order and thank you
for noticing how formal it is. I am regretting wearing
a suit so hard. I love you, I look good,
but it's a podcast, so well. I've got a question
(03:38):
for you, Craig. When watching a magic show, are you
bothered that it's just a trick and not magic or
are you able to just let go of all that
and enjoy the show? Oh? No, I enjoy I I
know it's a trick, and I enjoy watching good magic.
And I used to love that Pininteller Fooled Us show
(03:59):
or fool Us or whatever it is, because I think
even if you don't know the ins and outs of
how magic works, and they always kind of dance around,
you know, revealing how any trick is, but it's always like, uh,
yeah you did a thing there, and uh we caught it,
but it was very well done, you know. I like, uh,
you know, people with craft in their area being able
(04:22):
to kind of analyze and talk shop within that. So yeah, there,
I mean, magicians lie to us. I know it's not
real magic, but I'm blown away by it. I love it.
And you notice that Craig's answer. It was great because
me and Gigli already set the table for the big
Bopper to come in and not get out of the park.
(04:43):
Everybody's going home now, and you are totally on base here.
All of today's scene suggestions come from listener emails, and
if you want priority considered becoming a Patreon v I P.
You'll also get exclusive content in bonus scenes to get
ahead of all To get ahead of all of it,
(05:04):
you've got to go to Patreon dot com, slash alchemy this,
or if you'd like to suggest a scene the old
timy way, you can shoot us an email at alchemy
this email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemy. Um, well, ship,
(05:24):
let's get this started. This is scene number one and
it's coming in from Beaker. I dove deep on the
on the suggestion list, So this starts with Happy New Year, Gang.
I've lately been bombarded with ads for certain condom brands
(05:45):
in my Alchemy this episode downloads. Therefore, my scene suggestion
this time is neighboring condom factories go to war. Thank
You's hell all trades my Apple for uh for your dorritos?
Why would I do that doritos are delicious and apples
suck man. Nobody ever wants to treat My wife always
(06:09):
gives me a healthy lunch and it's never what I want.
And I know she thinks I need to be healthier.
But ah, sorry, I don't mean to take on my
frustrations on you. That's sorry. You know. Look, I'll do
it this one time. These are cooler ranch, and it's
just too much ranch for me. You sure dave cooler
ranch like, it's fine, Rick, let's just do it. I
(06:29):
couldn't help. But here, Uh, you thought cooler ranch had
too much ranch? Yeah, I'm good a cooler ranch, But
cooler ranch, that's just too much ranch. I don't believe
in that. Look I brought. I got this little package
here of ranch dust, just ranch dust in a box.
I added too much cooler ranch. Andy. You can bring
ranch dust to the factory. Hell, yeah I can. I
(06:52):
can't get mayonnaise through because it's it's liquid, so I
can't make ranch dip. But I can eat the hell
out of this ranch powder. So you're gonna add it
to the cooler ranch to make coolest ranch. I don't
know if we're ready for that. Here, I don't know. Uh,
it's worth a shot, though, I mean I haven't, honestly, like,
I feel a little jarred right now. I haven't actually
(07:14):
seen cooler ranch at the store. I would have just
saved myself the effort of sneaking in stuff to eat.
We'll sprinkle it on tops, see how it tastes. All right,
all right, let's uh it's i'll be honest, a little
more ranch than I expected. It's too coolest. It's too
coolest ranch. You know, you got time to lunch, You
(07:36):
got time to punch out some condoms. Okay, because uh,
rub X across the streets they don't take much. Okay,
so they're doubling our output. Yeah, but yeah, come on,
Mr Tino. Everybody knows that they're they're real jerks over
there at rub X. They worked too hard, man. Look,
(07:56):
we're making exactly our quota. We're doing exactly what we're
supposed to be doing. We get exactly our time for lunch. Look,
I know that I've branded myself as Mr. Tino's Artisanal
Condoms were smaller. We're smaller batch. You know, we put
a lot more thought and effort into each individual prophylactic.
(08:17):
But we still have a business to run, and we
still got to get some condoms out there and stop
some babies getting made. You know how hard of a
mix it is to make these Mr Tino. I mean,
they're ten percent latex hemp. It's really it's a tough
thing to get right. We gotta take our time and
plus all the sourcing that we gotta do for these,
(08:38):
like that one factory in western Pennsylvania that we get
all the hemp from that they've slowed down a little.
It's tougher to get ingredients now. So we're just biding
our time while we're waiting on the hemp truck to
get here. Look, guys, you're making great points, uh, but
I just know that we are producing a superior brand
(09:00):
of condom. Okay, and those animals at rubb x uh
and I you know they're just using pure rubber uh
across the street, and uh, I don't like it. Well, Hey,
employee five six three, did you did you get this
(09:21):
flyer about unionizing? An employer five six one was handing out.
I ripped it up as soon as I got it.
I figured would be in big trouble if we were
caught with it. Here here comes out here comes Jesus, Jesus,
Jesus here, give it to me, Give it to me.
I'll put it in a condom and then put it
right in my secret pocket. Whoa, We don't get searched
(09:41):
in your pocket? My my, my secret pocket. Do you
do you mean? Do you mean you're you're at rectum? Yeah,
that's I thought that that was what the use of
these condoms were. I mean, we don't get we don't
(10:02):
get searched. I mean it's not far off considering what
management of Rubex is trying to do over at corporate headquarters.
But until now, they haven't really been searching our pockets.
Do you think they're gonna start search want to get
caught with the union paper work and lose my job.
This is the most productive condom factory in town. I
don't want to be at some tiny condom factory. Wait
(10:24):
a minute, mom and pop shop. Yeah, look, I know
we're the superior condom, but you eve. He worried that
maybe maybe things would be better if we worked across
the street. You want to make little condoms, they're not little,
they just make fewer of them. What the condoms themselves? Look,
I was, I was that's not what the advertising says.
(10:46):
I want big condoms. You can't hide bunch in a
little tiny condom. Do you know what? Are you only
using condoms to hide things in your butt? What the
it's it's it's a money maker. It's for hiding drugs,
for smuggling. I mean, sure, you have sex with condoms,
but not not all the time. When you smuggle drugs,
you gotta have something to hide it. Him, I think
(11:08):
I'm ready. You want to put a rubber on? I
think I'm ready to do this? Are you sure? Yeah?
I think so. Okay, I brought a few different options. Okay, great,
Uh okay, this is uh Mr Tino's small batch artisanal condoms.
Oh wow, are those locally sourced? They are, they are
(11:29):
locally sourced. That's the responsible condom to buy. Then they
do k to great. Um, wow, this is really really small. Yeah.
I don't think that's gonna work for you a big guy. Um,
well what about rub x um. They say that of
(11:51):
them are used anally. Okay, I don't know if I'm
ready for that. Well no, no, I'm not proposing that.
I'm just saying that's a big part of their ads.
Vaginal ten percent other all right, well let's start with
and then maybe um wait that is there something in
(12:14):
that rubb X one? Yeah, what it's a note, it's
a unionization fire. What is doing in there? I don't know,
but they really folded it tight. It says that they've
(12:34):
all been given numbers. This is horrible. Stewart, Stewart, what,
Oh my god? What have I accidentally? I accidentally mixed
up the note that I had hidden. Oh my god,
I put it in with the ones that were getting distributed.
What I know, it's unprofessional, but sometimes it just when
(13:00):
you're trying to make a quota and it's late in
the day and you don't have the supplies. You you
work what you got. I know, we the So this
is what happens on our eleven and a half of
a twelve hour shift. Maybe five six one is right,
by the way, What did you put in your ass?
Just an unlike a totally wrapped, pristine ready for packaging condom.
(13:26):
It was. It was a lucy. It was a lucy.
And then at the end of the day I needed
to package so so I could I got crapped what
was at hand in arm's reach, and I forgot to
take the note doubt. You have time to walk. You
have time to talk. Uh, sorry, you have time to talk.
(13:46):
You have let me, I'm sorry, let me go to
the charts. Oh gosh, what is it? Number one? Whatever
it is, you're right, sir, you have you are talking,
so you have time to talk. You have time to
walk your ass over to the condom machine and produce
small prophylactics, yes, sir, number one. So sorry, sir. Look, okay, look,
(14:10):
I need you to get that union flyer back if
you can, because that tells us where we can go
and win if we're all gonna rally. We got a
rally together. All right. Well, I'm kind of a I'm
kind of a stickler about following where our condoms go.
I feel each one is like a child of my own. Well,
this is where it is I'm looking at and look
all right somewhere okay, Oh my god, I'm not going
(14:33):
to be able to go alone. Well I'll go with you,
of course I will. It's not safe. You mean it's
not safe where. Well, it's it's just not safe to
intrude on somebody about what they're using condoms for. They're
probably drug dealers. I'm sorry, it's three am. What is
this regarding I was just about to try the well, okay, well,
(14:56):
I don't know if you were drug dealing or it's
not really my business. But I've noticed that you've got
a shipment um with lot three fifty seven from Rubbacks,
and uh, we need to to take back some of
those condoms. I've got some replacement condoms for you here.
It seems really strange. Um, honey, um uh these guys
(15:19):
are here, they want to take the condoms back. Oh uh,
I'm sorry. We we we used the whole pack. Oh
comment box, Stewart, what do I do you do? Know?
What are you using my real name for? I'm five
six five six three? Oh okay, okay, but I saw
(15:40):
the unionization that you put in there. Oh my god,
you did. I can't help but notice the comrade poster
on your wall. Yeah, I'm I'm a communist. I mean,
is that good for unions? Stu? I don't know. I
don't know how unions work. I thought I thought that
(16:00):
stop calling me an. I didn't call you by your
real name. You don't have to be numbers here, guys.
You're you're out of the factory. It's just it's taken
over our lives. We don't know what to do. We
we every waking moment, we're just constantly getting bombarded by
Number one about getting more and more condoms out the door,
(16:21):
and then we start making mistakes. And I don't know,
I just think it's it would be important for us
to to union. Could could? I'm sorry, would you guys
have to come in? Um? Would you like something to
drink or eat? Had some chips, some drinaus several different flavors,
and we can put some clothes on too. I mean,
if it makes you more comfortable. I was, I was
just gonna bring it up. But it's your home. It's
(16:42):
your home. It's your home, comrade. Oh, that feels weird,
you say, it does feel weird to say, what a
nice home. I know it's really pretty in here. What
did you mean before when you said yeah, I was
confused too, I oh me, Uh, that's well, you know
(17:03):
there used vaginally ten percent other than anally, and we
were about to you know, try. I mean, we're experience.
I mean we're experimenting. Wow, what did you need to
hide his penis? Oh my god? What? And that's the
scene one. Scene number two is coming in from Kevin
(17:32):
Prado Alcamaniac shot his right up to the top of
the list. Uh, and it goes, uh, excuse me. Can
I get some help over here? I think I've got
a scene suggestion for you all, and nobody seems to
be working around here. You know what, Let me speak
to your manager, Macaroni. I think that was a call
back to one of our scenes. I'm going to try
(17:54):
something new here. The first line of the scene, if
you're an is pardon me, do you have the time?
Pardon me? You have the time? Yes? Um it's fifteen twelve. Ah,
(18:15):
thank you. I knew this great grandfather Clark was off.
I'm just crawl up inside here. Can't have the can't
have the study looking not ship shape? Am I right?
You are? Indeed you are, You're cracked. Indeed. M m hmm.
(18:36):
Well hand me that tiny hand me that tiny screw
driver over there on the on the settee. Will you
James for Phillips head or just normal? No? No, no,
James head, James, yes, James head, the Queen's head, the
Queen's head right here, yes, and mist and I always
(19:02):
have to talk my way through this. My father did
that when I was a child, and back when this
was just a grandfather clock, it became a great grandfather Clark.
Now it's now it's a great grandfather clock. And I
you know, I just every time I look at that
portrait on the wall of him, every time I work
with his clock, I just I miss him. I miss
(19:26):
I miss his I miss his tweed, I miss his pipes,
I miss his adventures. And Mrs Stack of maps, you
know you don't have to miss him set what what
what do you mean? Well? With this book here you
can bring him back? Mr Penny? Are you saying that
(19:46):
this book here is some sort of magical powers which
I opened this book and my father will return. It's
nice assimbly here to read some passages do do a thing?
But yes, yes, in a nutshell, yes, what did you
even get this book? Mr Penny? No? I got it
from a book of Mystical arts shop, Yes, down on
(20:07):
three Penny Street. My goodness, the cover is moving. That
snake is moving on the cover is indeed, I'm just
as to one knew that it comes with the price
or something. I don't know. I didn't read that ahead.
What does what does the stickers say? What is the
price tag stickers say there it says forty four ninety
five plus a curse. Oh well that's the price of
(20:31):
Wait what what? What did I don't know? I didn't
read that far ahead, Like I said, I just picked
it out recently, just put it down, and you picked
it up and did not notice that a curse was
Was the curse also extracted from you upon the point
of sale or is it something that you extract later?
And I haven't used the book outs, I don't know
(20:53):
if when the price will be paid? Just I'm assuming.
I'm tearribly sorry. All sales are final. You're hoping to
exchange the book? Yes, yes, yeah, yeah, yes, something with
without a curse? Oh well, I'm terribly sorry. It says
(21:15):
clearly on the price tag for plus occurs. So were
I to take the book back, I'd also be taking
the curse back. Yes, could could exchange it? Then? Could
could there be an exchange for perhaps a book that
that had a price and then perhaps I don't know,
a minor penalty but not a full case. Well, I
(21:39):
suppose it could be a book of a higher cost
to offset the difference between a minor penalty and a curse.
But that it's a pity large gap between those two. Right, Well,
what kind of gap are we talking about here? No,
I'd say at least a two hundred pound gap. I
(22:00):
we'll be taking my book back and saying good day, sir. Well,
I say good day to you, sir, I said, it's
first good day to you. Well, I was in kind
with good day, good day. Then excuse me, sorry, I
had purchased a book at US not more than four
or five days ago, and my ears fell off. First,
(22:22):
my nose seems to be wiggling. I want to return it.
I want to return I'm sorry, sir sales. So final
did you happen to purchase a book with a curse?
He was? He was a holler and I didn't eine
plush terrible life threatening cursefully, I mean again, our stickers
are incredibly explicit in terms of what you're getting. Uh
(22:46):
and uh, I mean are you disappointed? I mean your
your ear fell off? I mean, does that not constitute
he was a gift for someone else, said, I didn't
realize the curse is gonna go to me. Hey, I
finished that book that you got for me. That was
so so sweet of you. Oh really, anything weird happening
(23:10):
to you. No, I don't know why you finished the
whole book. I finished. I finished the whole book. I
read the whole thing cover to cover. I think, you know,
I always thought that this is gonna sound silly, But
ever since I got you know, the promotion above you,
I thought that maybe you didn't like me. I thought
maybe you would try to sabotage me somehow. But you
(23:34):
show up with it. You don't feel like a fever
coming on. No, not at all. It's I thought it
was really sweet, and I have to say, oh my gosh,
what did you spin out one of your teeth? No,
that one was loose, that one was already Oh what
about that one? I gotta I gotta go, I gotta go.
(23:57):
Oh my, Well, thank you for the book. I'm glad
we're not enemy, but you have to return the book.
But it wasn't the stake I thought. I thought that.
I said that the curse was gonna go with the book.
Well did you purchase a did you get a gift
receipt along with it? M hmm, I see. Well, when
(24:18):
you get a gift receipt, then you can deliver the
gift receipt and the curse onto the recipient. Is it
too late to get a gift receipt? I'm afraid it is. Oh,
excuse me, I'd like to return this book please. Ah,
this is my day, This is my day, every day.
(24:39):
Isn't it just just doing returns? Yes? What? What? What? What?
May I ask? Is your concern ready player too? Oh? Yes?
Yes it did? It sucked, didn't it? Yeah, it really did.
I did read the entire things some some reason, and
then I always told that that was the curse, reading
(25:00):
the whole book. So I feel like I can return
it now? Yes? Yes? Uh? And how much did you
pay for it? I paid fourteen cents a rip off
if you asked me. I'm happy to give you a
money back, but please keep the book as well. I
don't want the book back, but I'm terribly sorry for
you for your inconvenience. And here's your fourteen pence thank you.
(25:26):
Excuse me, hi, I'm I am so sorry this book.
What a cute little shop you have here? Well, thank you,
thank you. This is just you've what now we've been
in business for three years. Wow, that's older than my
whole country is you know? I have a toddler and
(25:48):
I would love to get him a book. There's one.
It's called The Monster at the End of this book.
Have you ever heard of it? It's got lovable fury
Old Grover in it. Do you have a copy of
that book? Yes, Grover is the monster at the end
of the book. Uh, much to his own consternation. If
I wow, do you do this about? Do you just
(26:09):
give away the ending of every book? Is that? I'm
sorry you didn't know that Grover is the monster at
the end of the book. I just heard it was
a good book. I was getting it for my toddler. Well, well,
now I gotta get a different book. What do you recommend? No, no, no, no,
you know what I'll get. I'll get The Hungry Caterpillar here.
(26:29):
You want to tell me how that ends. What happens
is the caterpillar eat his eat, eating too much, and
and go sleep. I'm guessing that that's perfect because I
don't I don't know that one specifically, But I do
have a first edition signed copy of The Monster at
the End of this book, signed by Grover, signed by Grover. Yes,
(26:53):
and it's it also it comes with a with a curse.
Great that sounds that sounds quaint English. All right, just
in case my kid doesn't like it, though, Can I
get a gift receipt with that? Okay? I see, sir,
your father has returned. He has appeared from the book.
(27:16):
Is in the study? Yes, yes, he has returned. My god,
Mr Penny, My I haven't seen my father since since
the untimely accident. What I don't even know what? My
god from a book? Now, he's very confused, very confused.
Died for him? No time has passed, he is dying?
(27:38):
Is going on here? Father? Father? It's me, father, your
your son? Never? Yes? Yes, Father Neville, it's me. What
what embraces you've You've been brought back? Father? Be a
very special book. Last thing I remember was I got
(28:04):
about a roller coaster? Yes, father, If you'll here read
this newspaper article, it'll tell you what happened. Man decapitated
on roller coaster. The headline really just says everything you
need to nurse. I'm sorry I didn't need for it
to give away headline. Very good, sir, very good. Don't
(28:25):
stop encouraging my father. Oh, my god, Mr Penny, Mr Penny,
What do we do now? Is this an apparition of him?
Or is this really him back from the dead head intact,
it's ready him. I mean, I don't know what fathers
and sons dupil throw a ball around or something. I
don't know real bond father, Shall we throw a ball
(28:46):
around or bond in some way a ball boy? No,
it's a terrible idea, so a terrible idea. I'll just
continue fixing the clock as I've always done. Yes, Yes,
it's your job to turn that great grandfather clock into
a great great grandfather clock. Father. You know I can't
(29:07):
have children. Well if you take that condom off your willie, perhaps, father,
this is a this is a Mr Tino's arteasonal condom. Father, Yes,
but you don't have to wear a twitter poor seven boy.
But it's our Teasonal, it's hemp all right. Well ah oh,
(29:32):
I feel my head is coming. Oh dear God, dear God,
I'm carrying it around. Mr Penny, my father is headless.
Please you must get the refund on this book. I try.
There's no rivers. I tried to do it. It was
two hundred pounds more of us to do it. Where
(29:53):
did you get the book? At a three year old
book shop? At John Chumbley's. Everyone knows they don't do
returns and Seen. All right, so we've got one final
(30:16):
scene for the day. It's Seen three and it's coming
from Danny in Saskatchewan. Hello, alchemists coming in with another suggestion.
This one's for the world's most famous mustache. Uh James
Eeney famous. That's that's all you are. It's like then,
(30:40):
magnum p I. It goes in that order an think
nice hash brown World of Championship from Danny and Saskatchewan.
Order up. Excuse me, yeah, I'm looking for the chef
it has created these hash browns here on my plate.
(31:04):
Oh yeah, it's Al. Hey, Al, somebody wants to talk
to you about your hash browns. Okay, you must be
al like to shake your hand. I am a judge
for the World Championship hash Browns. Okay, have you competed? No?
I just cook here. You just cook here in this
(31:28):
small town. Yeah, that's all I do, just a cook here. Well,
I'm gonna write down on this golden ticket right here,
this hash brown golden ticket. One admission to the two
World Championship hash brown Off. And this should be a
big deal to me because why excuse me, you're not
(31:50):
even familiar with the championship. No, like I said, I
just cook here. It's small town, you know, I just
make hash browns, eggs over medium, over easy, whatever. You know.
I'm not talking eggs here. I'm talking hash browns. And
you made the patties yourself. Gotta to stick together and
just that form. Yeah, I did. I think you should compete? Yeah, alright, man,
(32:12):
got not. I'm better to do. Kevin, Kevin, it's time
for bed. Put your potatoes away, Honey, your potatoes away,
Get out of the kitchen, get into the bed. I'm
gonna get into the championships one day, Mom, Kevin, I
know you are Kevin. I know you are, honey, and
one day you will. One day you will be the
greatest hash brown chef of all time. But right now,
(32:34):
you've got school in the morning. It's midnight. I'd be
a bad parent if I tried, if I let you
stay up with so much later, What am I ever
gonna use any of that stuff and cooking hash browns, Kevin,
You're going to use all of the things you learn
in school. Everything you learn in school is to make
your mind brighter and stronger and more expansive and more
compassionate and that you're going to use in life. Not
(32:57):
everything is about hashbrown. God damn it. Are you still awake, Kevin, Honey,
it's okay, it's I'm talking to him. No said, I
want all potatoes out of the house. I don't want
another goddamn hash brown cooked in this house. Dad, Dad,
you gotta taste these. I don't want to taste him.
(33:19):
You're obsessed with it. You know what, You're never gonna
be a hash brown and hair or whatever you want
to call it. Well, you gotta quit those dreams. I'll
show you, old man. I'm gonna become the greatest hashbrown
schof the world has ever known. Kevin, where are you going?
Where are you going? Where you Where? Did you even
get a bendle? Kevin? Where are you going? I've got
(33:40):
a bendle full of potatoes and I'm hitting the road. Well,
don't come back crying. What do you can't buy a
place to sleep? Kevin? Let him good to me, Let
him go. He's nine, I'm not going to just and
there he goes. He's out the door. I hope you're happy.
Lock the door, Lock the door, Brenda, locked the door.
(34:00):
Thanks for the ride. Mister, Hey, no problem. Um, you
don't happen to know where the two hashburn World Championships
are being held, do you do? I look at your window, kid,
What that's right just over the edge, over the big gate.
(34:21):
Oh well, I got you. I got your car ten
minutes ago. You were so close. This whole time, you
didn't know. No, I had no I did my parents
uh prevent me from learning anything about it. Oh well,
you just gotta go to those big gates over there.
You gotta show me a mission ticket and then you
get right in a mission ticket. Oh how do you
(34:44):
get one of those? Well, you gotta get scouted kids.
Oh man, I I've been making world class hash Browns
in my home kitchen for the last six months, but
no scouts have shown up. That's a real bumm or
no scout, no admission? Hey, mr, would you would you
mind tasting some of these? They're they're kind of room
(35:05):
temperature now, but I coot them not too long ago.
Get me all right? I don't see what the point
isn't it. Oh wow, he's a fantastic Are they too salty?
Not salty enough? These are world class competition hash Brown's kid,
it's a shame you didn't get scouted or or did
(35:26):
you get scouted? Or did you get scouted? Son? You
just change your voice. That's right, because I John Hormel,
d John Hormel. That's right. I oversee the competition and youth,
Son have earned an admission ticket here you are. Wow,
(35:50):
you're scouting me all along when you pull up right
side of my house just as I was saying goodbye
to my parents forever Well, whether I like it or not,
your last year's champions show why I you're owed an
invitation to this year's championship. So I formally invite you
(36:13):
to the World Championship two hash brown competition formally accept?
Are you sure you have to accept? I mean, come on,
give somebody else a chance to win. For a chance,
no one else. You'll have a chance against Jacques Browns.
Jacques Browns as the Well's best Browns. Would't I defy
anyone to come and try Jacques Browns and not think
(36:37):
they's the best in the hole. Who is going to
come after me this year? Are you bringing me? Is
Jean Hermel going to bring me more challenges that I
shall knock off the UNIPEDISTALSI? Is that? What shall happen.
It sounds like you're using Mr Hormel's name in a
very snarky fashioned You should be warned. Mr. He's a
(36:59):
very prominent and in the hash brown community. Mr Hommel
is not is not suited to scatter, smother or cover
my hash browns. I do that. I make the hash browns.
I am the star of this contest, and I shall
emerge victorious. Now excuse me. I shall remain in my
(37:19):
sedan until the thing begins. Door slam. Welcome back to
the twenty twenty to Hash Brown Competition World Championships. I'm
the ghost of Howard Coast Cell, brought back from a
book that was non returnable. I'm here next to my
color guy, Tony Romo. Tony. A lot of great competition
(37:44):
this year. We've got Jack Brown the early on favorite.
What do you think, all right, Howard? I can't wait
to eat these hashbrowns. Uh? I heard that. You know,
to make it standard, theyre going with Idaho russet for
everyone across the board. You know, it's a nice moist
potato should hold up with the binding agents. Uh, you know,
(38:07):
egg or whatever people are using to hold those hash
browns together. Because you need that moisture. That's right, downy,
you need the moisture. We've got quite a wonderful crap
competitors this season. There's a young kid and upstart, as
you'd say. I believe his name is let me look
at my notes here, Kevin. Is that right? Kevin? That's
(38:28):
a good standard name for a nine year old kid,
Howard And uh, I think you know, he might be
a little over his head, but he's definitely someone to
wash for the future. Uh. And I did say wash
for the future because he stinks he's been on the
road for a while. All Right, Kevin, I don't know
if I'm really supposed to let use sharp knives. How
(38:50):
much experience do you have with sharp knives? Well, I
usually use a mandolin at home. Mandolin. That's a music instrument, right, Uh,
my crazy, because I have I'm just a host of
these things. I've never used a mandolin. Oh, well, you
really should do some more research if you're gonna host
the host Proud Championship. A mandolin is a standard kitchen
(39:15):
slicing tool, Okay, is it the one that looks like
it could cut eggs and like nice slices with the
guitar strings. Yeah, that's the one, alright, alright, that makes sense.
And they call it a mandolin I think, so, Kevin,
did they name it after the mandolin instrument or did
the mandolin instrument get its name from this tool? Jeez,
(39:36):
I don't know. They never covered that in school, sir. Okay,
all right, so you're safe around the mandolin, yeah, I
I think so. I mean, the sharper the better. Look.
I'm just happy to be here. I mean, I don't
have any chance against Shock. Somebody's gotta beat him. I'd
(39:57):
feel like it might just be what we need is somebody,
somebody with your kind of face, you know, a young
kid that the judges can be awed by. I don't know,
I can't. I can't speak for the judges, but I
think it's more impressive to see a kid your age,
how old you nine? Nine? They'll be ten in December,
ten in December. To see a kid ten in December
(40:19):
make a hashbrown that even could compete with Jook, Well,
I I thought you'd have more journalistic impartiality. But it's
good to know that you're in my corner, sir. Excuse me,
is my booth around in someplace? I don't know, where
I'm supposed to go. Oh my gosh, what what? What
is it? Carl? Yeah, that's it, Carl, you look like
(40:39):
a Carlu. That's a cure name for a grizzled old
short order cook. It's a standing name for a short
order cook. Yeah, it's a good one. Is this a Mandlin?
What the history of a Mandlin? Come on, Carl, you
know what the history is, right. I'm just I just
cook eggs over medium, over whatever in this small town.
(41:03):
I don't know what the stuff is. Listen, Carl, I
want you. You're gonna be in this booth right next
to Kevin, and I want either one of you to win.
I just as a journalist with integrity, cannot watch this
the previous championship of the last five years win again
again again. Don't accuse me, excuse me. I believe that
(41:25):
Dan just drove right through the wall. Someone is sitting
in my booth. I'm sorry, Jacques. We have changed where
your booth is located this year. You're going to be
in the corner over there. Well, fine, Zen, you will
be okay with me driving there? Excuse me. I would
prefer excuse me, excuse me, Jacque coming Slough, Well, chambiond
(41:50):
Ash Browns to drive that far, it's like two boots over.
I blave it past my booth and let miss squattriverse
and now I am I want to be so you
can see why I want this loser to lose? Right?
(42:11):
How can this loser keep winning? Jacques? What a great
name for a Frenchman. No, it's not good. It's cliche
at best. Alright, judges, Um, we got three plates in
front of us. Which do you want to start with? First?
Which one did the did the kid do? Blind? It's blink?
(42:36):
Come on, Marty, you know this alright. What you can't
decide who you want to win and then just pick there.
It would be cool though, if it was the kid.
I mean, yes, of course it would be cool. If
it was it would be pretty cool. But well, I
don't we start with the middle one here? And I
really thought there'd be more than three competitors in the
championship this year. But let's start with this one here. Well,
(42:57):
it takes a lot to get to us, you know
what I mean. They must have been vetted by the
scouts by the time they get to us. So let's
take a little all right, Well, this one seems to
have been kind of uh fried into one of those
patty shapes. I do like a patty, I do like
I do like a patty. This one has a little
(43:17):
more scattered to it. And I was I accepted a bribe,
and I'm supposed to vote for the kids hash brown,
but I don't really know which one it is. Wait,
you really shouldn't tell us that, Evelyn. I assumed everyone
got a bribe? Was I the only one? Even? We
ever win with just one person? Take? Oh, you guys
(43:38):
are keeping it secret. That's fine, that's fine, Evelyn? Are you?
Did you take a bribe? Or you are you? I
thought we were. I thought we're all judges, right, we
can be honest with each other. Yeah, I took a bribe.
You didn't get a bribe? No, no, none of none
of us, None of us got bribes. Even Yeah I
didn't get a bride either. Stop see the winking, Evelyn.
(44:03):
It doesn't matter, It doesn't matter. Do you think that
this one with the French fries I'll put together? Do
you think that's the kid? I mean, it did seem
odd that it was mostly a pile of French FRIESE
it's French fries that have been assembled into somewhat of
a hash brown shape made into a lattice. It feels
like this, This feels like this might have been the
(44:23):
raft project from third grade turned into hash brown form.
But Evelyn, we're not We're supposed to be picking the
best one, not the one we think is from the kid.
So we have I'm just picking the best farm. Look,
we have Patty hash Brown, we have Scrambly hash Brown,
and we have French fry based hash brown with an
action figure on top. There's no way for us to
(44:46):
know which one was made by the kids, so we
just have to judge them on their merits. Am I
alone in saying that? I really thought that the quality
of hash browns would be much higher this year at
the finals. I mean this is an international competition. Well,
at least the French fry one with the action figure
also has a good, uh good dollop of ketchup on
(45:06):
the side like that. I do like an accompaniment. I
do like an accompany with this blood. Oh this is blood.
Oh goodness, it's like somebody sliced the ship out of
their hand on a mandolin. Oh. All we gotta do
is figure out which one if these uh hash brown
ears is missing a finger or as a wound, we'll
find Evelyn. Then you're the one that is so intent
(45:27):
on finding out which one was the kids, then you
go figure it out. Come back to us and let
us know. I Mom, dad, Oh my god, you're home.
Oh god, our babies back. Oh yeah, a finger you lost?
(45:47):
Oh my god. Yeah, I found out I'm not that
great at making hash browns either. Well I could have
told you that. You didn't need to lose a finger
to find out you aren't good at hash browns. I
can't eat plastic toys. We were supposed to be encouraging him.
I did, though. Oh that's wonderful, honey. Third congratulations. You
(46:13):
know what the Olympics people give get third place trophies too,
in their whole communities, celebrate them. I mean there were
only three competitors. Goddamn it, honey, third place bronze. That's
the biggest loser. What do you want me to say.
I'm just glad you're home. Come here and hug me. Oh,
(46:36):
it's just getting that is still actively bleeding. Yeah, it's
bleeding pretty bad, honey, coming and that's our show. Gosh,
it has been a hell of a lot of fun.
Let's thank our alchemists and see what they're up too. Cool,
what are you up to? I just killed a giant
spider that was on the wall. Other than that, uh,
(47:02):
and our Patriot members got the exciting video of it.
Maybe like I gotta go take care of this right now.
It was like so weird. There was a weird look
on your face. I didn't know it was fear, and
maybe it wasn't always a fear, but I think it
was like a brown recluse, like it's not a nice fighter.
So I was like, I think instead of like just
sitting here and finishing the scene up, I'm gonna go
take care of this herefore it goes after my cats anyhow. Uh,
(47:24):
just doing a lot of comedy at the Westside Comedy Theater,
pretty pretty pony first Thursday of the month and uh
SF Sketch Fest coming back in January very likely the
greatest and oh at Stratton Coole or at Cold Stratton
on socials, thank you nice and Mark? What's going on
in in Gagli already Land? Well, Gaggli already Land. We
(47:46):
just opened a new ride, uh and there is a
lightning lane for it. Um and Gaggli already land Uh
we got this with Mark and how dropping every every
week on the Maximum Fun Network. Uh. If you are
local to Los Angeles in Pasadena, the first Thursday of
every month is what you will a Shakespearean un play
at Lineage Performing Arts Center. And also Blood and Treasure
(48:10):
season two coming out July. So I saw that season
one box set man art on the cover of that
is so freaking cool. Finally back on Blu ray Baby, Yeah,
ten a, DP, Nice and Kaikowski. What's going on before
(48:34):
we wrap this one out? Man? That episode really made
me hungry for hash Browns or I would even take
home fries. Home fries are fine with me as well.
I like them both. I think I'm at a guy
Co commercial. Uh, I mean I know that I shot one.
I hope it will air at some point in the
(48:56):
next couple of months, but be able to look out
for that. I alright. Well, thanks to our engineer and
producer to the stars, Mr Doug Bam and the fine
folks at I Heart Media. I'm your guest host and
James Heeney and I thank you for listening, and until
next time,
Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Alchemy This.
I'm your guest host, James Heeney. I'm sitting in for
Kevin Pollock today. Let's meet our alchemists in particular order. Cool,
Welcome to Alchemy This. How are you today? Great? Thank
you for picking me first. Um, I mean this particular
(00:22):
order thing is fantastic. I really love it, so thank you.
Thanks for having me. Great. I've got a question for you.
It's personalized just for this experience. What is the biggest
asset that you bring to a softball team? Oh? Uh, well,
I bat leadoff most of the time and I hit
opposite field most of the time too, So I get
(00:43):
on base. That's what I do. I'm fascinating it on
base Now, is that the most important part of being
Like you think that that? Like, if you don't get
on base, what are you doing on a baseball team?
Or is there other things that are important? Everybody has
different roles, you know, Like the leadoff guys are just
supposed to get onto. Then the big boppers come up
and hit a deep flyball, so even if it gets caught,
you can score on it. Tag up that kind of thing.
(01:03):
But it's our job to get on base or for
people on base to you know, get singles or doubles rubbers,
driv them in. So and I play left field, so
I'm pretty good outfielder those two things. All right, get
on base for the big boppers. Next up, we've got
Mark Gagliar and hello, thanks for being here today. Hey James,
it's good. It's good to see you. It's good to
have you hosting. I'm glad that you decided on a
(01:24):
particular order as a middle child. Uh, this is where
I'm like, I feel most comfortable. I'm glad. I've got
a question that I've personalized just for you appreciate. I
was wondering, are you better at waking up super early
and starting work at four am? Like you had to
wake up before that, get ready and get to work
at four am, four starting late and working until six am,
(01:47):
at which point then you gotta go home. Every time
I think that I'm going to start working late in
the day and I'm like, I'm just gonna power through.
I'm gonna start late, and I'm gonna do this I
inevitably and in bed by ten thirty. So I'll start
and I'll be like, Okay, I gotta get this work done.
I'm starting late today, so we're gonna, we're gonna, we're
(02:09):
gonna go into the night. And now I'm sleepy, good night,
and I just stumble off to bed. Um. So I
prefer I don't know whether I'm more productive in the morning. Also,
I think living on the West Coast, I like to
get up really early because otherwise sometimes I feel like
I am three hours behind the rest of the country,
especially when all of the live morning television uh is
(02:32):
from the East Coast. If I turn on the news
in the morning, well they're like, well it's lunchtime. I'm like,
I've already lost half of my day. So I profess yourself. Yeah,
I look, I know I should just uh, I should
just turn on the TV, hit pause for three hours,
and then at exactly eleven oh one, be like, now
(02:54):
they can start talking about lunch. Well, I've got one
last alchemist to reduce, and I've this particular order puts
Craig Kakowski in the final lineup. Craig, thanks for joining today. James,
what a what a pleasure. It's so formal too. I
think I've figured out your m O. It's reverse alphabetical
(03:16):
by last name. Yeah, that's it. I didn't want to
say thank you for finding an order and thank you
for noticing how formal it is. I am regretting wearing
a suit so hard. I love you, I look good,
but it's a podcast, so well. I've got a question
(03:38):
for you, Craig. When watching a magic show, are you
bothered that it's just a trick and not magic or
are you able to just let go of all that
and enjoy the show? Oh? No, I enjoy I I
know it's a trick, and I enjoy watching good magic.
And I used to love that Pininteller Fooled Us show
(03:59):
or fool Us or whatever it is, because I think
even if you don't know the ins and outs of
how magic works, and they always kind of dance around,
you know, revealing how any trick is, but it's always like, uh,
yeah you did a thing there, and uh we caught it,
but it was very well done, you know. I like, uh,
you know, people with craft in their area being able
(04:22):
to kind of analyze and talk shop within that. So yeah, there,
I mean, magicians lie to us. I know it's not
real magic, but I'm blown away by it. I love it.
And you notice that Craig's answer. It was great because
me and Gigli already set the table for the big
Bopper to come in and not get out of the park.
(04:43):
Everybody's going home now, and you are totally on base here.
All of today's scene suggestions come from listener emails, and
if you want priority considered becoming a Patreon v I P.
You'll also get exclusive content in bonus scenes to get
ahead of all To get ahead of all of it,
(05:04):
you've got to go to Patreon dot com, slash alchemy this,
or if you'd like to suggest a scene the old
timy way, you can shoot us an email at alchemy
this email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemy. Um, well, ship,
(05:24):
let's get this started. This is scene number one and
it's coming in from Beaker. I dove deep on the
on the suggestion list, So this starts with Happy New Year, Gang.
I've lately been bombarded with ads for certain condom brands
(05:45):
in my Alchemy this episode downloads. Therefore, my scene suggestion
this time is neighboring condom factories go to war. Thank
You's hell all trades my Apple for uh for your dorritos?
Why would I do that doritos are delicious and apples
suck man. Nobody ever wants to treat My wife always
(06:09):
gives me a healthy lunch and it's never what I want.
And I know she thinks I need to be healthier.
But ah, sorry, I don't mean to take on my
frustrations on you. That's sorry. You know. Look, I'll do
it this one time. These are cooler ranch, and it's
just too much ranch for me. You sure dave cooler
ranch like, it's fine, Rick, let's just do it. I
(06:29):
couldn't help. But here, Uh, you thought cooler ranch had
too much ranch? Yeah, I'm good a cooler ranch, But
cooler ranch, that's just too much ranch. I don't believe
in that. Look I brought. I got this little package
here of ranch dust, just ranch dust in a box.
I added too much cooler ranch. Andy. You can bring
ranch dust to the factory. Hell, yeah I can. I
(06:52):
can't get mayonnaise through because it's it's liquid, so I
can't make ranch dip. But I can eat the hell
out of this ranch powder. So you're gonna add it
to the cooler ranch to make coolest ranch. I don't
know if we're ready for that. Here, I don't know. Uh,
it's worth a shot, though, I mean I haven't, honestly, like,
I feel a little jarred right now. I haven't actually
(07:14):
seen cooler ranch at the store. I would have just
saved myself the effort of sneaking in stuff to eat.
We'll sprinkle it on tops, see how it tastes. All right,
all right, let's uh it's i'll be honest, a little
more ranch than I expected. It's too coolest. It's too
coolest ranch. You know, you got time to lunch, You
(07:36):
got time to punch out some condoms. Okay, because uh,
rub X across the streets they don't take much. Okay,
so they're doubling our output. Yeah, but yeah, come on,
Mr Tino. Everybody knows that they're they're real jerks over
there at rub X. They worked too hard, man. Look,
(07:56):
we're making exactly our quota. We're doing exactly what we're
supposed to be doing. We get exactly our time for lunch. Look,
I know that I've branded myself as Mr. Tino's Artisanal
Condoms were smaller. We're smaller batch. You know, we put
a lot more thought and effort into each individual prophylactic.
(08:17):
But we still have a business to run, and we
still got to get some condoms out there and stop
some babies getting made. You know how hard of a
mix it is to make these Mr Tino. I mean,
they're ten percent latex hemp. It's really it's a tough
thing to get right. We gotta take our time and
plus all the sourcing that we gotta do for these,
(08:38):
like that one factory in western Pennsylvania that we get
all the hemp from that they've slowed down a little.
It's tougher to get ingredients now. So we're just biding
our time while we're waiting on the hemp truck to
get here. Look, guys, you're making great points, uh, but
I just know that we are producing a superior brand
(09:00):
of condom. Okay, and those animals at rubb x uh
and I you know they're just using pure rubber uh
across the street, and uh, I don't like it. Well, Hey,
employee five six three, did you did you get this
(09:21):
flyer about unionizing? An employer five six one was handing out.
I ripped it up as soon as I got it.
I figured would be in big trouble if we were
caught with it. Here here comes out here comes Jesus, Jesus,
Jesus here, give it to me, Give it to me.
I'll put it in a condom and then put it
right in my secret pocket. Whoa, We don't get searched
(09:41):
in your pocket? My my, my secret pocket. Do you
do you mean? Do you mean you're you're at rectum? Yeah,
that's I thought that that was what the use of
these condoms were. I mean, we don't get we don't
(10:02):
get searched. I mean it's not far off considering what
management of Rubex is trying to do over at corporate headquarters.
But until now, they haven't really been searching our pockets.
Do you think they're gonna start search want to get
caught with the union paper work and lose my job.
This is the most productive condom factory in town. I
don't want to be at some tiny condom factory. Wait
(10:24):
a minute, mom and pop shop. Yeah, look, I know
we're the superior condom, but you eve. He worried that
maybe maybe things would be better if we worked across
the street. You want to make little condoms, they're not little,
they just make fewer of them. What the condoms themselves? Look,
I was, I was that's not what the advertising says.
(10:46):
I want big condoms. You can't hide bunch in a
little tiny condom. Do you know what? Are you only
using condoms to hide things in your butt? What the
it's it's it's a money maker. It's for hiding drugs,
for smuggling. I mean, sure, you have sex with condoms,
but not not all the time. When you smuggle drugs,
you gotta have something to hide it. Him, I think
(11:08):
I'm ready. You want to put a rubber on? I
think I'm ready to do this? Are you sure? Yeah?
I think so. Okay, I brought a few different options. Okay, great,
Uh okay, this is uh Mr Tino's small batch artisanal condoms.
Oh wow, are those locally sourced? They are, they are
(11:29):
locally sourced. That's the responsible condom to buy. Then they
do k to great. Um, wow, this is really really small. Yeah.
I don't think that's gonna work for you a big guy. Um,
well what about rub x um. They say that of
(11:51):
them are used anally. Okay, I don't know if I'm
ready for that. Well no, no, I'm not proposing that.
I'm just saying that's a big part of their ads.
Vaginal ten percent other all right, well let's start with
and then maybe um wait that is there something in
(12:14):
that rubb X one? Yeah, what it's a note, it's
a unionization fire. What is doing in there? I don't know,
but they really folded it tight. It says that they've
(12:34):
all been given numbers. This is horrible. Stewart, Stewart, what,
Oh my god? What have I accidentally? I accidentally mixed
up the note that I had hidden. Oh my god,
I put it in with the ones that were getting distributed.
What I know, it's unprofessional, but sometimes it just when
(13:00):
you're trying to make a quota and it's late in
the day and you don't have the supplies. You you
work what you got. I know, we the So this
is what happens on our eleven and a half of
a twelve hour shift. Maybe five six one is right,
by the way, What did you put in your ass?
Just an unlike a totally wrapped, pristine ready for packaging condom.
(13:26):
It was. It was a lucy. It was a lucy.
And then at the end of the day I needed
to package so so I could I got crapped what
was at hand in arm's reach, and I forgot to
take the note doubt. You have time to walk. You
have time to talk. Uh, sorry, you have time to talk.
(13:46):
You have let me, I'm sorry, let me go to
the charts. Oh gosh, what is it? Number one? Whatever
it is, you're right, sir, you have you are talking,
so you have time to talk. You have time to
walk your ass over to the condom machine and produce
small prophylactics, yes, sir, number one. So sorry, sir. Look, okay, look,
(14:10):
I need you to get that union flyer back if
you can, because that tells us where we can go
and win if we're all gonna rally. We got a
rally together. All right. Well, I'm kind of a I'm
kind of a stickler about following where our condoms go.
I feel each one is like a child of my own. Well,
this is where it is I'm looking at and look
all right somewhere okay, Oh my god, I'm not going
(14:33):
to be able to go alone. Well I'll go with you,
of course I will. It's not safe. You mean it's
not safe where. Well, it's it's just not safe to
intrude on somebody about what they're using condoms for. They're
probably drug dealers. I'm sorry, it's three am. What is
this regarding I was just about to try the well, okay, well,
(14:56):
I don't know if you were drug dealing or it's
not really my business. But I've noticed that you've got
a shipment um with lot three fifty seven from Rubbacks,
and uh, we need to to take back some of
those condoms. I've got some replacement condoms for you here.
It seems really strange. Um, honey, um uh these guys
(15:19):
are here, they want to take the condoms back. Oh uh,
I'm sorry. We we we used the whole pack. Oh
comment box, Stewart, what do I do you do? Know?
What are you using my real name for? I'm five
six five six three? Oh okay, okay, but I saw
(15:40):
the unionization that you put in there. Oh my god,
you did. I can't help but notice the comrade poster
on your wall. Yeah, I'm I'm a communist. I mean,
is that good for unions? Stu? I don't know. I
don't know how unions work. I thought I thought that
(16:00):
stop calling me an. I didn't call you by your
real name. You don't have to be numbers here, guys.
You're you're out of the factory. It's just it's taken
over our lives. We don't know what to do. We
we every waking moment, we're just constantly getting bombarded by
Number one about getting more and more condoms out the door,
(16:21):
and then we start making mistakes. And I don't know,
I just think it's it would be important for us
to to union. Could could? I'm sorry, would you guys
have to come in? Um? Would you like something to
drink or eat? Had some chips, some drinaus several different flavors,
and we can put some clothes on too. I mean,
if it makes you more comfortable. I was, I was
just gonna bring it up. But it's your home. It's
(16:42):
your home. It's your home, comrade. Oh, that feels weird,
you say, it does feel weird to say, what a
nice home. I know it's really pretty in here. What
did you mean before when you said yeah, I was
confused too, I oh me, Uh, that's well, you know
(17:03):
there used vaginally ten percent other than anally, and we
were about to you know, try. I mean, we're experience.
I mean we're experimenting. Wow, what did you need to
hide his penis? Oh my god? What? And that's the
scene one. Scene number two is coming in from Kevin
(17:32):
Prado Alcamaniac shot his right up to the top of
the list. Uh, and it goes, uh, excuse me. Can
I get some help over here? I think I've got
a scene suggestion for you all, and nobody seems to
be working around here. You know what, Let me speak
to your manager, Macaroni. I think that was a call
back to one of our scenes. I'm going to try
(17:54):
something new here. The first line of the scene, if
you're an is pardon me, do you have the time?
Pardon me? You have the time? Yes? Um it's fifteen twelve. Ah,
(18:15):
thank you. I knew this great grandfather Clark was off.
I'm just crawl up inside here. Can't have the can't
have the study looking not ship shape? Am I right?
You are? Indeed you are, You're cracked. Indeed. M m hmm.
(18:36):
Well hand me that tiny hand me that tiny screw
driver over there on the on the settee. Will you
James for Phillips head or just normal? No? No, no,
James head, James, yes, James head, the Queen's head, the
Queen's head right here, yes, and mist and I always
(19:02):
have to talk my way through this. My father did
that when I was a child, and back when this
was just a grandfather clock, it became a great grandfather Clark.
Now it's now it's a great grandfather clock. And I
you know, I just every time I look at that
portrait on the wall of him, every time I work
with his clock, I just I miss him. I miss
(19:26):
I miss his I miss his tweed, I miss his pipes,
I miss his adventures. And Mrs Stack of maps, you
know you don't have to miss him set what what
what do you mean? Well? With this book here you
can bring him back? Mr Penny? Are you saying that
(19:46):
this book here is some sort of magical powers which
I opened this book and my father will return. It's
nice assimbly here to read some passages do do a thing?
But yes, yes, in a nutshell, yes, what did you
even get this book? Mr Penny? No? I got it
from a book of Mystical arts shop, Yes, down on
(20:07):
three Penny Street. My goodness, the cover is moving. That
snake is moving on the cover is indeed, I'm just
as to one knew that it comes with the price
or something. I don't know. I didn't read that ahead.
What does what does the stickers say? What is the
price tag stickers say there it says forty four ninety
five plus a curse. Oh well that's the price of
(20:31):
Wait what what? What did I don't know? I didn't
read that far ahead, Like I said, I just picked
it out recently, just put it down, and you picked
it up and did not notice that a curse was
Was the curse also extracted from you upon the point
of sale or is it something that you extract later?
And I haven't used the book outs, I don't know
(20:53):
if when the price will be paid? Just I'm assuming.
I'm tearribly sorry. All sales are final. You're hoping to
exchange the book? Yes, yes, yeah, yeah, yes, something with
without a curse? Oh well, I'm terribly sorry. It says
(21:15):
clearly on the price tag for plus occurs. So were
I to take the book back, I'd also be taking
the curse back. Yes, could could exchange it? Then? Could
could there be an exchange for perhaps a book that
that had a price and then perhaps I don't know,
a minor penalty but not a full case. Well, I
(21:39):
suppose it could be a book of a higher cost
to offset the difference between a minor penalty and a curse.
But that it's a pity large gap between those two. Right, Well,
what kind of gap are we talking about here? No,
I'd say at least a two hundred pound gap. I
(22:00):
we'll be taking my book back and saying good day, sir. Well,
I say good day to you, sir, I said, it's
first good day to you. Well, I was in kind
with good day, good day. Then excuse me, sorry, I
had purchased a book at US not more than four
or five days ago, and my ears fell off. First,
(22:22):
my nose seems to be wiggling. I want to return it.
I want to return I'm sorry, sir sales. So final
did you happen to purchase a book with a curse?
He was? He was a holler and I didn't eine
plush terrible life threatening cursefully, I mean again, our stickers
are incredibly explicit in terms of what you're getting. Uh
(22:46):
and uh, I mean are you disappointed? I mean your
your ear fell off? I mean, does that not constitute
he was a gift for someone else, said, I didn't
realize the curse is gonna go to me. Hey, I
finished that book that you got for me. That was
so so sweet of you. Oh really, anything weird happening
(23:10):
to you. No, I don't know why you finished the
whole book. I finished. I finished the whole book. I
read the whole thing cover to cover. I think, you know,
I always thought that this is gonna sound silly, But
ever since I got you know, the promotion above you,
I thought that maybe you didn't like me. I thought
maybe you would try to sabotage me somehow. But you
(23:34):
show up with it. You don't feel like a fever
coming on. No, not at all. It's I thought it
was really sweet, and I have to say, oh my gosh,
what did you spin out one of your teeth? No,
that one was loose, that one was already Oh what
about that one? I gotta I gotta go, I gotta go.
(23:57):
Oh my, Well, thank you for the book. I'm glad
we're not enemy, but you have to return the book.
But it wasn't the stake I thought. I thought that.
I said that the curse was gonna go with the book.
Well did you purchase a did you get a gift
receipt along with it? M hmm, I see. Well, when
(24:18):
you get a gift receipt, then you can deliver the
gift receipt and the curse onto the recipient. Is it
too late to get a gift receipt? I'm afraid it is. Oh,
excuse me, I'd like to return this book please. Ah,
this is my day, This is my day, every day.
(24:39):
Isn't it just just doing returns? Yes? What? What? What? What?
May I ask? Is your concern ready player too? Oh? Yes?
Yes it did? It sucked, didn't it? Yeah, it really did.
I did read the entire things some some reason, and
then I always told that that was the curse, reading
(25:00):
the whole book. So I feel like I can return
it now? Yes? Yes? Uh? And how much did you
pay for it? I paid fourteen cents a rip off
if you asked me. I'm happy to give you a
money back, but please keep the book as well. I
don't want the book back, but I'm terribly sorry for
you for your inconvenience. And here's your fourteen pence thank you.
(25:26):
Excuse me, hi, I'm I am so sorry this book.
What a cute little shop you have here? Well, thank you,
thank you. This is just you've what now we've been
in business for three years. Wow, that's older than my
whole country is you know? I have a toddler and
(25:48):
I would love to get him a book. There's one.
It's called The Monster at the End of this book.
Have you ever heard of it? It's got lovable fury
Old Grover in it. Do you have a copy of
that book? Yes, Grover is the monster at the end
of the book. Uh, much to his own consternation. If
I wow, do you do this about? Do you just
(26:09):
give away the ending of every book? Is that? I'm
sorry you didn't know that Grover is the monster at
the end of the book. I just heard it was
a good book. I was getting it for my toddler. Well, well,
now I gotta get a different book. What do you recommend? No, no, no, no,
you know what I'll get. I'll get The Hungry Caterpillar here.
(26:29):
You want to tell me how that ends. What happens
is the caterpillar eat his eat, eating too much, and
and go sleep. I'm guessing that that's perfect because I
don't I don't know that one specifically, But I do
have a first edition signed copy of The Monster at
the End of this book, signed by Grover, signed by Grover. Yes,
(26:53):
and it's it also it comes with a with a curse.
Great that sounds that sounds quaint English. All right, just
in case my kid doesn't like it, though, Can I
get a gift receipt with that? Okay? I see, sir,
your father has returned. He has appeared from the book.
(27:16):
Is in the study? Yes, yes, he has returned. My god,
Mr Penny, My I haven't seen my father since since
the untimely accident. What I don't even know what? My
god from a book? Now, he's very confused, very confused.
Died for him? No time has passed, he is dying?
(27:38):
Is going on here? Father? Father? It's me, father, your
your son? Never? Yes? Yes, Father Neville, it's me. What
what embraces you've You've been brought back? Father? Be a
very special book. Last thing I remember was I got
(28:04):
about a roller coaster? Yes, father, If you'll here read
this newspaper article, it'll tell you what happened. Man decapitated
on roller coaster. The headline really just says everything you
need to nurse. I'm sorry I didn't need for it
to give away headline. Very good, sir, very good. Don't
(28:25):
stop encouraging my father. Oh, my god, Mr Penny, Mr Penny,
What do we do now? Is this an apparition of him?
Or is this really him back from the dead head intact,
it's ready him. I mean, I don't know what fathers
and sons dupil throw a ball around or something. I
don't know real bond father, Shall we throw a ball
(28:46):
around or bond in some way a ball boy? No,
it's a terrible idea, so a terrible idea. I'll just
continue fixing the clock as I've always done. Yes, Yes,
it's your job to turn that great grandfather clock into
a great great grandfather clock. Father. You know I can't
(29:07):
have children. Well if you take that condom off your willie, perhaps, father,
this is a this is a Mr Tino's arteasonal condom. Father, Yes,
but you don't have to wear a twitter poor seven boy.
But it's our Teasonal, it's hemp all right. Well ah oh,
(29:32):
I feel my head is coming. Oh dear God, dear God,
I'm carrying it around. Mr Penny, my father is headless.
Please you must get the refund on this book. I try.
There's no rivers. I tried to do it. It was
two hundred pounds more of us to do it. Where
(29:53):
did you get the book? At a three year old
book shop? At John Chumbley's. Everyone knows they don't do
returns and Seen. All right, so we've got one final
(30:16):
scene for the day. It's Seen three and it's coming
from Danny in Saskatchewan. Hello, alchemists coming in with another suggestion.
This one's for the world's most famous mustache. Uh James
Eeney famous. That's that's all you are. It's like then,
(30:40):
magnum p I. It goes in that order an think
nice hash brown World of Championship from Danny and Saskatchewan.
Order up. Excuse me, yeah, I'm looking for the chef
it has created these hash browns here on my plate.
(31:04):
Oh yeah, it's Al. Hey, Al, somebody wants to talk
to you about your hash browns. Okay, you must be
al like to shake your hand. I am a judge
for the World Championship hash Browns. Okay, have you competed? No?
I just cook here. You just cook here in this
(31:28):
small town. Yeah, that's all I do, just a cook here. Well,
I'm gonna write down on this golden ticket right here,
this hash brown golden ticket. One admission to the two
World Championship hash brown Off. And this should be a
big deal to me because why excuse me, you're not
(31:50):
even familiar with the championship. No, like I said, I
just cook here. It's small town, you know, I just
make hash browns, eggs over medium, over easy, whatever. You know.
I'm not talking eggs here. I'm talking hash browns. And
you made the patties yourself. Gotta to stick together and
just that form. Yeah, I did. I think you should compete? Yeah, alright, man,
(32:12):
got not. I'm better to do. Kevin, Kevin, it's time
for bed. Put your potatoes away, Honey, your potatoes away,
Get out of the kitchen, get into the bed. I'm
gonna get into the championships one day, Mom, Kevin, I
know you are Kevin. I know you are, honey, and
one day you will. One day you will be the
greatest hash brown chef of all time. But right now,
(32:34):
you've got school in the morning. It's midnight. I'd be
a bad parent if I tried, if I let you
stay up with so much later, What am I ever
gonna use any of that stuff and cooking hash browns, Kevin,
You're going to use all of the things you learn
in school. Everything you learn in school is to make
your mind brighter and stronger and more expansive and more
compassionate and that you're going to use in life. Not
(32:57):
everything is about hashbrown. God damn it. Are you still awake, Kevin, Honey,
it's okay, it's I'm talking to him. No said, I
want all potatoes out of the house. I don't want
another goddamn hash brown cooked in this house. Dad, Dad,
you gotta taste these. I don't want to taste him.
(33:19):
You're obsessed with it. You know what, You're never gonna
be a hash brown and hair or whatever you want
to call it. Well, you gotta quit those dreams. I'll
show you, old man. I'm gonna become the greatest hashbrown
schof the world has ever known. Kevin, where are you going?
Where are you going? Where you Where? Did you even
get a bendle? Kevin? Where are you going? I've got
(33:40):
a bendle full of potatoes and I'm hitting the road. Well,
don't come back crying. What do you can't buy a
place to sleep? Kevin? Let him good to me, Let
him go. He's nine, I'm not going to just and
there he goes. He's out the door. I hope you're happy.
Lock the door, Lock the door, Brenda, locked the door.
(34:00):
Thanks for the ride. Mister, Hey, no problem. Um, you
don't happen to know where the two hashburn World Championships
are being held, do you do? I look at your window, kid,
What that's right just over the edge, over the big gate.
(34:21):
Oh well, I got you. I got your car ten
minutes ago. You were so close. This whole time, you
didn't know. No, I had no I did my parents
uh prevent me from learning anything about it. Oh well,
you just gotta go to those big gates over there.
You gotta show me a mission ticket and then you
get right in a mission ticket. Oh how do you
(34:44):
get one of those? Well, you gotta get scouted kids.
Oh man, I I've been making world class hash Browns
in my home kitchen for the last six months, but
no scouts have shown up. That's a real bumm or
no scout, no admission? Hey, mr, would you would you
mind tasting some of these? They're they're kind of room
(35:05):
temperature now, but I coot them not too long ago.
Get me all right? I don't see what the point
isn't it. Oh wow, he's a fantastic Are they too salty?
Not salty enough? These are world class competition hash Brown's kid,
it's a shame you didn't get scouted or or did
(35:26):
you get scouted? Or did you get scouted? Son? You
just change your voice. That's right, because I John Hormel,
d John Hormel. That's right. I oversee the competition and youth,
Son have earned an admission ticket here you are. Wow,
(35:50):
you're scouting me all along when you pull up right
side of my house just as I was saying goodbye
to my parents forever Well, whether I like it or not,
your last year's champions show why I you're owed an
invitation to this year's championship. So I formally invite you
(36:13):
to the World Championship two hash brown competition formally accept?
Are you sure you have to accept? I mean, come on,
give somebody else a chance to win. For a chance,
no one else. You'll have a chance against Jacques Browns.
Jacques Browns as the Well's best Browns. Would't I defy
anyone to come and try Jacques Browns and not think
(36:37):
they's the best in the hole. Who is going to
come after me this year? Are you bringing me? Is
Jean Hermel going to bring me more challenges that I
shall knock off the UNIPEDISTALSI? Is that? What shall happen.
It sounds like you're using Mr Hormel's name in a
very snarky fashioned You should be warned. Mr. He's a
(36:59):
very prominent and in the hash brown community. Mr Hommel
is not is not suited to scatter, smother or cover
my hash browns. I do that. I make the hash browns.
I am the star of this contest, and I shall
emerge victorious. Now excuse me. I shall remain in my
(37:19):
sedan until the thing begins. Door slam. Welcome back to
the twenty twenty to Hash Brown Competition World Championships. I'm
the ghost of Howard Coast Cell, brought back from a
book that was non returnable. I'm here next to my
color guy, Tony Romo. Tony. A lot of great competition
(37:44):
this year. We've got Jack Brown the early on favorite.
What do you think, all right, Howard? I can't wait
to eat these hashbrowns. Uh? I heard that. You know,
to make it standard, theyre going with Idaho russet for
everyone across the board. You know, it's a nice moist
potato should hold up with the binding agents. Uh, you know,
(38:07):
egg or whatever people are using to hold those hash
browns together. Because you need that moisture. That's right, downy,
you need the moisture. We've got quite a wonderful crap
competitors this season. There's a young kid and upstart, as
you'd say. I believe his name is let me look
at my notes here, Kevin. Is that right? Kevin? That's
(38:28):
a good standard name for a nine year old kid,
Howard And uh, I think you know, he might be
a little over his head, but he's definitely someone to
wash for the future. Uh. And I did say wash
for the future because he stinks he's been on the
road for a while. All Right, Kevin, I don't know
if I'm really supposed to let use sharp knives. How
(38:50):
much experience do you have with sharp knives? Well, I
usually use a mandolin at home. Mandolin. That's a music instrument, right, Uh,
my crazy, because I have I'm just a host of
these things. I've never used a mandolin. Oh, well, you
really should do some more research if you're gonna host
the host Proud Championship. A mandolin is a standard kitchen
(39:15):
slicing tool, Okay, is it the one that looks like
it could cut eggs and like nice slices with the
guitar strings. Yeah, that's the one, alright, alright, that makes sense.
And they call it a mandolin I think, so, Kevin,
did they name it after the mandolin instrument or did
the mandolin instrument get its name from this tool? Jeez,
(39:36):
I don't know. They never covered that in school, sir. Okay,
all right, so you're safe around the mandolin, yeah, I
I think so. I mean, the sharper the better. Look.
I'm just happy to be here. I mean, I don't
have any chance against Shock. Somebody's gotta beat him. I'd
(39:57):
feel like it might just be what we need is somebody,
somebody with your kind of face, you know, a young
kid that the judges can be awed by. I don't know,
I can't. I can't speak for the judges, but I
think it's more impressive to see a kid your age,
how old you nine? Nine? They'll be ten in December,
ten in December. To see a kid ten in December
(40:19):
make a hashbrown that even could compete with Jook, Well,
I I thought you'd have more journalistic impartiality. But it's
good to know that you're in my corner, sir. Excuse me,
is my booth around in someplace? I don't know, where
I'm supposed to go. Oh my gosh, what what? What
is it? Carl? Yeah, that's it, Carl, you look like
(40:39):
a Carlu. That's a cure name for a grizzled old
short order cook. It's a standing name for a short
order cook. Yeah, it's a good one. Is this a Mandlin?
What the history of a Mandlin? Come on, Carl, you
know what the history is, right. I'm just I just
cook eggs over medium, over whatever in this small town.
(41:03):
I don't know what the stuff is. Listen, Carl, I
want you. You're gonna be in this booth right next
to Kevin, and I want either one of you to win.
I just as a journalist with integrity, cannot watch this
the previous championship of the last five years win again
again again. Don't accuse me, excuse me. I believe that
(41:25):
Dan just drove right through the wall. Someone is sitting
in my booth. I'm sorry, Jacques. We have changed where
your booth is located this year. You're going to be
in the corner over there. Well, fine, Zen, you will
be okay with me driving there? Excuse me. I would
prefer excuse me, excuse me, Jacque coming Slough, Well, chambiond
(41:50):
Ash Browns to drive that far, it's like two boots over.
I blave it past my booth and let miss squattriverse
and now I am I want to be so you
can see why I want this loser to lose? Right?
(42:11):
How can this loser keep winning? Jacques? What a great
name for a Frenchman. No, it's not good. It's cliche
at best. Alright, judges, Um, we got three plates in
front of us. Which do you want to start with? First?
Which one did the did the kid do? Blind? It's blink?
(42:36):
Come on, Marty, you know this alright. What you can't
decide who you want to win and then just pick there.
It would be cool though, if it was the kid.
I mean, yes, of course it would be cool. If
it was it would be pretty cool. But well, I
don't we start with the middle one here? And I
really thought there'd be more than three competitors in the
championship this year. But let's start with this one here. Well,
(42:57):
it takes a lot to get to us, you know
what I mean. They must have been vetted by the
scouts by the time they get to us. So let's
take a little all right, Well, this one seems to
have been kind of uh fried into one of those
patty shapes. I do like a patty, I do like
I do like a patty. This one has a little
(43:17):
more scattered to it. And I was I accepted a bribe,
and I'm supposed to vote for the kids hash brown,
but I don't really know which one it is. Wait,
you really shouldn't tell us that, Evelyn. I assumed everyone
got a bribe? Was I the only one? Even? We
ever win with just one person? Take? Oh, you guys
(43:38):
are keeping it secret. That's fine, that's fine, Evelyn? Are you?
Did you take a bribe? Or you are you? I
thought we were. I thought we're all judges, right, we
can be honest with each other. Yeah, I took a bribe.
You didn't get a bribe? No, no, none of none
of us, None of us got bribes. Even Yeah I
didn't get a bride either. Stop see the winking, Evelyn.
(44:03):
It doesn't matter, It doesn't matter. Do you think that
this one with the French fries I'll put together? Do
you think that's the kid? I mean, it did seem
odd that it was mostly a pile of French FRIESE
it's French fries that have been assembled into somewhat of
a hash brown shape made into a lattice. It feels
like this, This feels like this might have been the
(44:23):
raft project from third grade turned into hash brown form.
But Evelyn, we're not We're supposed to be picking the
best one, not the one we think is from the kid.
So we have I'm just picking the best farm. Look,
we have Patty hash Brown, we have Scrambly hash Brown,
and we have French fry based hash brown with an
action figure on top. There's no way for us to
(44:46):
know which one was made by the kids, so we
just have to judge them on their merits. Am I
alone in saying that? I really thought that the quality
of hash browns would be much higher this year at
the finals. I mean this is an international competition. Well,
at least the French fry one with the action figure
also has a good, uh good dollop of ketchup on
(45:06):
the side like that. I do like an accompaniment. I
do like an accompany with this blood. Oh this is blood.
Oh goodness, it's like somebody sliced the ship out of
their hand on a mandolin. Oh. All we gotta do
is figure out which one if these uh hash brown
ears is missing a finger or as a wound, we'll
find Evelyn. Then you're the one that is so intent
(45:27):
on finding out which one was the kids, then you
go figure it out. Come back to us and let
us know. I Mom, dad, Oh my god, you're home.
Oh god, our babies back. Oh yeah, a finger you lost?
(45:47):
Oh my god. Yeah, I found out I'm not that
great at making hash browns either. Well I could have
told you that. You didn't need to lose a finger
to find out you aren't good at hash browns. I
can't eat plastic toys. We were supposed to be encouraging him.
I did, though. Oh that's wonderful, honey. Third congratulations. You
(46:13):
know what the Olympics people give get third place trophies too,
in their whole communities, celebrate them. I mean there were
only three competitors. Goddamn it, honey, third place bronze. That's
the biggest loser. What do you want me to say.
I'm just glad you're home. Come here and hug me. Oh,
(46:36):
it's just getting that is still actively bleeding. Yeah, it's
bleeding pretty bad, honey, coming and that's our show. Gosh,
it has been a hell of a lot of fun.
Let's thank our alchemists and see what they're up too. Cool,
what are you up to? I just killed a giant
spider that was on the wall. Other than that, uh,
(47:02):
and our Patriot members got the exciting video of it.
Maybe like I gotta go take care of this right now.
It was like so weird. There was a weird look
on your face. I didn't know it was fear, and
maybe it wasn't always a fear, but I think it
was like a brown recluse, like it's not a nice fighter.
So I was like, I think instead of like just
sitting here and finishing the scene up, I'm gonna go
take care of this herefore it goes after my cats anyhow. Uh,
(47:24):
just doing a lot of comedy at the Westside Comedy Theater,
pretty pretty pony first Thursday of the month and uh
SF Sketch Fest coming back in January very likely the
greatest and oh at Stratton Coole or at Cold Stratton
on socials, thank you nice and Mark? What's going on
in in Gagli already Land? Well, Gaggli already Land. We
(47:46):
just opened a new ride, uh and there is a
lightning lane for it. Um and Gaggli already land Uh
we got this with Mark and how dropping every every
week on the Maximum Fun Network. Uh. If you are
local to Los Angeles in Pasadena, the first Thursday of
every month is what you will a Shakespearean un play
at Lineage Performing Arts Center. And also Blood and Treasure
(48:10):
season two coming out July. So I saw that season
one box set man art on the cover of that
is so freaking cool. Finally back on Blu ray Baby, Yeah,
ten a, DP, Nice and Kaikowski. What's going on before
(48:34):
we wrap this one out? Man? That episode really made
me hungry for hash Browns or I would even take
home fries. Home fries are fine with me as well.
I like them both. I think I'm at a guy
Co commercial. Uh, I mean I know that I shot one.
I hope it will air at some point in the
(48:56):
next couple of months, but be able to look out
for that. I alright. Well, thanks to our engineer and
producer to the stars, Mr Doug Bam and the fine
folks at I Heart Media. I'm your guest host and
James Heeney and I thank you for listening, and until
next time,
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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