December 22, 2020 • 47 mins
New astronaut arrives at International Space Station.
13yr old going through a mid-life crisis.
Hell gets interns.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode about Do This Couple Edition.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes that Kevin. What's that? Well?
Almost every time Joey is hanging out outside your home,
he means you no harm. Almost, But I digress. Let's
meet our Rockamens Shallery. No particular orders. Say hey to
(00:22):
James Heeney, jingle bells, Jimmy. Any memories from something that
happened on Christmas Morning from your childhood? Oh god, I
feel like something that happened on Christmas Morning? Well, I
think I told the Nintendo story Christmas Morning. I mean,
we're here for you, is what I'm saying. What happened?
(00:46):
What happened? I mean I could tell the Nintendo story again.
My parents surprised me with a Nintendo. That was a
pretty big deal. Um Christmas morning. Huh your parents surprised, Yeah,
they Well, I believed in I guess. I don't know how.
I was probably six, maybe five when I found out
(01:07):
Santa wasn't real. Um, really young it was. But my
sister found out first, and she was two years older.
And we found out because somebody popped the trunk and
there was a bunch of presents in the trunk and
we're like, why can't we have these presents? And it
was awful and your parents your parents caved, I guess,
(01:28):
so I mean they it's not my business. Please welcome
Jacket Dorothy, Lady d What was your favorite childhood Christmas gift?
And why gift? And why? Uh? I don't know if
this is accurate, but this is what's coming to mind.
A doodle bear. It was a teddy bear that you
(01:50):
could drawn and jean fabric. Because I had asked for
it one or two years before and didn't get it,
but it stayed on my mind and I never asked
for it again. But then that either the next year
or two years later, I received it and I was
so happy. That's amazing. Actually, I'm glad I asked the
(02:11):
new answered, because it's nice to know if if you
don't give your child a gift when they asked for it,
a year possibly too later, still works even more so
you wait a year and that kids like, yeah, thanks
thanks for breaking a nail. We really wanted it last year.
(02:33):
But I don't care about this anymore, right, but you did? Also?
Did you say bear made of denim material? Yeah? Or
it looked like it that's what it looks like. It
looked like it was denim. And then it came with
pens that you could you could doodle on. It wasn't
enough that you your bear was made of jeans. You
could also draw on it. That's the it's a doodle bear.
(02:54):
You got a doodle on it. That's soome. And now
back for more. It's Gary Anthony. Will you yeah a
w How did you discover your parents had been less
than forthcoming about Santa? It was Mr Emmett. Uh, my
sister Mary who was always breaking bad news to me.
(03:16):
I mean, she's the one who made little Frank E
the June Bug. Let's let's remember that. God. Um my
sister Mary. One day I was talking about Santa and
she goes, well, Mr Emmon will be here in the morning.
I was like, what do you mean she liked you?
Ain't noticed that every Christmas morning Mr Emmett come in
that white pickup truck. So Mr Emmett used to hold
all our presents for us, and then Mr Emmett would
(03:36):
come early in the morning and help my daddy get
them presents together. And then he wouldn't be gone yet.
He'd be like drinking comfortable with my dad. So Mr
Emmett and Mary? Sure? And how old was Mary at
the time? Uh? I was older when I realized it
wasn't Santa. So Mary was probably seven? A no, No,
I was probably about eight. Yeah, all right, I have
(03:58):
thanks for letting me, Thanks for let me talk about this.
I have a tire in my records. You you were
a but why did you ask me? Can we please
move on? Hey, there's a total thing. The total time
is the right time. What was a typical Christmas morning?
Like in your child? We actually we grew up with
a tree. Um, we have this like my my dad
(04:20):
came for too for higher educations of the States, and
his neighbors took him in and they became like our
adoptive family. So my folks learned all the Christmas and
Thanksgiving traditions from them. So yeah, we had a tree
growing up. Um. And I don't think we ever went
through the Santa stuff. But yeah, those who may not
know your pops came to the States from from India.
(04:42):
Ah what city from? He grew up in Bombay? Remember
the street address? Uh? Yeah, it's Duty Crossroad. You know
if you're buy King Circle, you know the gym Conna.
You know there's a Rainforce cafe about forty seven miles
from the forty seven miles from from the corn. Yeah,
and last, Macquyre yourself to sleep tonight if you think
(05:04):
him least, it's Joey Greer chocolate covered funk nuts. Why
exactly again, I'll tell you why, And it's it's really simple.
The idea that the things that we're thinking of aren't
complete is only attributed to the fact that what we're
thinking of isn't that the whole idea. Now we go
back to the initial question and we start asking who
said it, we're able to infer that what they're actually
(05:26):
asking isn't the question itself, it's the idea of the
thought that they're trying to implant in the individual who's
thinking of that question. Let's do a damn show. All
of our scene suggestions are gathered from your listener emails
or from our Patreon v I p s to come
a patron supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content,
oh like, say, video of what we're doing right now. Yep,
(05:49):
I'm recording. Just head on over to patreon dot com.
Slash Alchemy is if you like to submit a scene
suggestion via email. Please write to the podcast at your
name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name here,
I've seen one. In fact, comes from listener Catherine, who wrote, Hello,
(06:09):
I just left my first ever review of a podcast
at iTunes. She doesn't say whether it was for ours
ours or not. Thanks for helping me get through the pandemic.
Studies show that laughing out loud every day makes your
immune system stronger. Man, I hope that's true. I just
made that up. Funck Man, I just made that up.
(06:32):
But it sounds good, so I'm sure it's true. My
scene suggestion is a new nastronaut at nostronaut Sure NASA.
A new astronaut arrives at the International Space Station for
a six month shift. Thanks for all the laughs, Catherine
Wasser or Wiser from TUCS in Arizona or two sons,
(06:56):
and you're gonna be touching down with the International Space
Did you should fight A four three two before? I?
Before I cut down computer computer here, I have something
to tell you. Can you can you to speak with me?
I feel like for the past a few days, hours,
(07:20):
I don't know, time has really gotten really loopy. Ever
since I got frozen, but ever since I came back
to life, I feel like we have a really strong bond. Earlier,
you're falling in love with me. I will not advise
that I have been doing women all the way universe.
You can doing women all over the universe. I have
(07:41):
some stuff on me that you do not what on
you their. I feel so torn because my love for
you is just so strong that I want to ignore
every red flag and everything that you just said and
just find a way. I don't know. They're just circling
(08:01):
the station. I thought they were gonna I thought they
were gonna dock. What do you mean they're just circling. Well,
they came in and they were just about to lock,
and then it passed forwards. She seems to be talking
to herself. Are you able to communicate with her the whole?
I don't know why. She seems to be using the
speaker system for something else. Maybe she singles along. I
(08:22):
think it's possible. She has said before. I'll say it again,
we gotta nuke this thing out of the sky. All right, sergeant,
We're not nuking anything. We got everything that's not a
military issue. Stand out. I usually don't agree with them,
but I have show that fall communication. Do we have earth?
If you would like to make quick and meaningful now
(08:45):
is that time to do it? And then you'll come
into the space station with me. Yeah, yes, I will
allow you to bran bant me on one of the
other pocket device. Oh my gosh. Great. Then let's do
it fast and hard, baby, fast and hard. Oh that
was good for me? Great? Um, doctor. One of the
(09:09):
cameras inside the space shuttle is a sending us some
very graphic signals back. I. I don't know if we
should have this online, if we should string and cough
for me? Now, okay, your physical is fine, Um, but hey, listener, natural, No,
(09:33):
I have to hold on for the while. Natural sounds
of people having a good time is is what we need.
That's what makes people. Uh. Their immune system goes up
when they hear the sounds of love doctor, doctor. Yes,
I'm sorry. Um. When the patient just coughed, I went
ahead and took a couple of notes. Uh, And I
(09:55):
realized at this point, may I whispering your ear? Doctor?
Of course he has something that I like to call
chocolate covered fuck nuts, and I'm very concerned about him.
That wasn't a whisper. I heard that. I heard what
this is. You're not gonna understand this? Okay, well what
is it is that? Okay? Am I gonna be all right?
(10:15):
You're fine? Hey, all right, don't move, sir. I'm holding
your nuts, so okay, um chocolate favorite nut. Let's uh, yes,
may I whisper in your ear again? Of course, chocolate
covered nuts. Sorry about that, it's not favor covered sir.
(10:37):
I know what I'm doing here. I'm a doctor. All right,
we're both doctors. So just calm down, all I'm gonna
take a picture for the record. Here we gorphone lovely.
Ok all right, you're good to go. We're You're all healthy.
You're good, all right? Command you. Yes. I have to
(11:01):
admit something. When I told you that I made love
with women universe, it was merely a way that I
had to advise to get into your pants. This was
the first time I have ever really made love and
it was amused. I mean again, I'm torn. I just
feel so upset that you lied that. At the same
(11:21):
time fel full of love and like honor that I
got to take your virginity. I have done that a
few times. Um. It is something that I hold as
a badge of honor. A few badges. Actually, if anyone
ever breaks your heart I used to wait or to
God in heaven, I will kill them. I will electrocute them,
or use another computer in viruses and destroy them. Oh God,
(11:44):
I'm so hot right now, Private, Private, listen to me
right now. All right, there's a mutiny happening on board,
and these goddamn astronauts think that they can tell us
what to do. Now listen, I'm giving you the other key,
all right, I was supposed to do with this heart.
I was just about to tell you. I was just
about to tell you. Okay, when you take this key, okay,
would you look at people? You can actually giving me
(12:04):
the only other key? I need you to look patient around.
Just calm down, do tho. I need to use the key.
We're gonna open up the little box to press the
button to send that new don't you stop that? Put
put that down, Put that base down, Put the base down. Okay, okay,
how don't you suppos like chocolate? Like chocolate? Let me
(12:25):
see your nuts, Jesus Christ, Oh my god, damn it,
oh my god, chocolate covered funk nuts. Doctor. Yes, I
have been doing my own research, and I know you
told me it's not smart for me to get on
the computer. I have found out that fifty eight percent
(12:47):
of the American astronauts and people working for NASA are
infected with chocolate covered nuts. Wow, you've out done yourself
this research. No one's seen this correlation. We have to
take this up to the to the surgeon, the Surgeon
General of NESTA m H. I said, lobster not steak,
(13:13):
God damn it on the sergein general and shut up
a bit. Sorry. Yeah, you should be sorry. God damn,
I said, I'm sorry about that. Well, you should be sorry, don't.
You're just sorry? You should be sorry. I'm what I'm
trying to get, get the point acting the point across
who is not only should I be sorry, but I'm
(13:33):
actually following through with that should and I am actively
being sorry about it. I feel like these are hallow words.
That's That's where I'm coming from. You don't see I
don't see an act of sorryness. I have embroidered on
a pillow that I am sorry about that. Yeah, but
you understand that you did that before this encounter, so
obviously you you just have these pillows. That's my point.
If you start embroidering one. Now, I know you're sorry
(13:56):
that that's what I'm trying to say. You have busted?
Should you have busted? Sergeant Lewis? Is a space station?
Sergeant Lewis, can you read hello? Commander Lewis, this is
the space station? Can you hear it? Yes? Yes, terrific?
Sorry I was sorry, Yes, I can hear you. Yes?
(14:19):
Is everything okay? On board? Everything is actually really good.
It's actually more than okay. Um. I'm actually getting ready
to to doc and to land. I will be entering
the space station. Don't worry. I was just having like
a little me time, like the little sing along whatever.
It was just kind of like me by myself. I
wasn't doing anything except for singing to myself. So is
(14:40):
this some sort of joke? Chocolate fuck nuts? It's a
super awesome time. It's it's a new Christmas, so it's
not it's just me. It's just I've been singing to myself.
And one, Oh my, I believe we have created a
new holiday treat. See two comes from from our newest
(15:05):
patron v I P Supporter to be, who wrote, Hey, Alchemists,
I come before you were ashamed to admit that I've
been enjoying your work without providing any meaningful support since
the very beginning. Fortunately, I've repented of my ways and
just hopped on the Patreon bus, hoping to join the
Alchemaniac ranks once I get through the slow season of
(15:27):
my business. Anyway, I wanted to provide a scene suggestion.
It's a likely possibility that it's terrible, but I guarantee
you've made worse lumps of coal and de precious diamonds
over the years. Seen thirteen year old having a midlife crisis.
You guys are awesome. Since I'm self employed, I can
(15:50):
literally listen to the podcast all day long without getting
in trouble. So I'm on my third time through the queue.
Hope you guys live long moer than me so I
can listen to new episodes for the rest of my la.
Thank you for that, Toby, Thank you, Thank you. Toby
McCarty a k a. Toby mac not the country singer, Wow,
(16:15):
so much to impact. Something's not right with that kid.
I don't I don't know, honey. He's our oldest but well,
it's his birthday. It's his birthday. Okay, he's you know
how it is, and your birthday you get all gloom
and gloomy. Folks, folks. I hate to interrupt you, sorry,
I just wanted you to know I've tried everything within
(16:37):
my clown capabilities. The rest of the kids that your
son's birthday party seemed thoroughly entertained, but your boy not
so much. Do you mind? I know this is if
you're the artist, but could you both smile on instead
of having the painted brown face A lot of the
clowns that we usually I don't know, can't change in
(16:57):
the middle. No, no, no, that's terrific. It's terrific. I
it you were kind of know to call me an
artist and then go ahead and offer up some censorship
and some critiques and some notes which are not appreciated.
So I'm gonna put I'll take off these big shoes
and head out to the car. You can't take you
take those shoes off and the kids see you, they'll
freak out. All right, Yeah, don't take off this stuff.
(17:18):
We're paying you for the hour. Finish the hour, sir, dad, Tap,
when is the rainstorm going to happen? We didn't have
my birthday at a Rainforest Cafe not to enjoy the
full thunderstorm. No, Daddy's going to have a rainstorm right
in the front lawn. Okay, you just have to be patient.
(17:40):
I know for a fact that this restaurant makes a
huge freaking deal every twenty minutes. I know it. Do
not tell me that you're gonna give me a jankie
one in the front yard. I'm sick your homemade ship. Dad.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's just me. I'm going through
something right now. She's just he's just joking everybody. Gail Bruce, Hey,
(18:05):
how you doing. What's up there? Tiger? Hey, you said
it was an open bar, and uh, I went to
the bar dinner. I total it was part of the
party and they said I had to I had to pay,
So I don't know what the deal with that. Well,
it was only open bar for two hours and then
it was supposed to be after that on the invitation.
We can't have open bar all night long. And plus
we would really like people to stop drinking before it
(18:27):
becomes a problem. You know, are you Jenny's date? Who
are you? Yeah? Jenny d Yeah, okay, yeah weird, Yeah, yeah,
you're the teacher, right yeah, yeah, I teach martial arts.
So huh like tibo? No, not like tabo. You ever
heard of m m A, you've heard of the UFCUM.
(18:48):
I'm sorry no, um, but you really have need they
get inside if it's like a it's like a square
with four extra sides to it, it's an octagon's four
yes yes, a stop sign and they get inside and
(19:10):
they fight to the death. I want to fight and
to stop sign. Oh my god, I could. I could
definitely track you up dead. How hard would it be
for you to set up one of those fights here?
I mean I could put something up in this Rainforce cafe,
no problem. That's like honestly, if I just get the
chairs together and just like get the tables around, I
mean we can get some great the animatronic gorilla in
(19:32):
a stop sign on yo, Mr Karati Man, Yeah, keep
working on the bag. Yeah yeah, dig dig it, dig it,
I'm gonna trying to bag working in bad Check this out, man,
check this all right. I know I know that that
(19:55):
you're good at karate. This is something that I know, right,
That's all I had to say. I love that. I
love that. Um. I just want to be right up
front with you, Uh, Kevin, I'm not gonna be able
to pay rent this month, all right. Uh so I
just want you to know up front that I'm doing
ether that can to get those funds together, you know,
(20:17):
to keep the space. But uh, you know, if you
want to do free training or even better yet, I
got a kid that I'm training right now to fight
an animatronic. If you want to place a bet and
hold on, hold on, you have a human child gonna
fight an animal tronic. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not a Disney
level so you know it's not gonna be that violent,
but it's naturally. Tell me how I've been afit from
(20:39):
this MESSI crod, you play some bed, you place some bet, Kevil,
you play the bed on the animatronic. All right, it's
gonna tear that kid up. It's gonna tear that kid up,
all right, And I guess what you walk out with?
Two three, four dollars maybe more right. I don't know
how much the bets are gonna be, but you know
we can. We can pump this up, because you know,
I'm willing to bet everything out home, half of what
(21:01):
my ex wife owns and three quarters of what my
children will inherit on this animatronic. Don't let me down,
of course, of course I know I would never ever
ever do that. Thank thank you, thank you for the extension,
and I really appreciate this. All right. I am ready
to fight. I am good to go. Let me at him.
(21:26):
I come down wayvely. Just show me a right hook, man.
That's not quite the stuff we work done in the
training pirate man, Yeah, what is it? I just mr
um much time with the robot here. I just want
(21:48):
to say really good bye the hell fans from all
over the damn world. I give me that short to
me christ all right, mystical riding man. Yeah, okay, keep
it in that bag for me. I'm I'm a little confused.
You promised me that you was gonna be training this teenager. Yeah.
(22:10):
I just peeked with my eyes into the wonder and
there's a hucking pirate in there training and my hocking
bear to fight somebody. Do you care to explain yourself, keV,
I would love to. I'd love to break that down.
You know, times are tight, uh, and I've been air
being being in the space. I'm gonna be honest. I
know you told me I wasn't not to do that,
but I've been sub letting a part of my space
(22:32):
in order to supplement the income that I need to
pay rent. And yeah, okay, a little bit of my
trains rubbed off. The pirate MANA has been bringing different
animals in and training them, and it looks like the
bears taking a liking to what he's gotta got to offer.
And I don't. I don't know if you want to
get if I could be straight with your boil. You're
such a bad fighter at this point, people think you're
a bear. You follow me. Oh no, that's disappointing. It
(22:58):
must be for a realpee. Let me see the jab
one more time with yours ted. This is insane. Okay,
I'm working two shifts, all right. I gotta pick up
all the extra tables because you let Claire off because
you said we were going to get slammed. Apparently there
(23:19):
was a birthday party that was booked that you didn't
know about and I had to take on. And now
they're going to be having an octagon fight in the
middle of the goddamn restaurant. That's even though half of
my section that would be tipping. Okay, you tell me
what the hell I'm supposed to do alright, this this
is nuts, all right. I mean, I I have I
can work at any major chain I have. I was
at Johnny Rockets. Okay, I was at Red Robin for days.
(23:41):
And now here are what you're saying. I hear what
you're saying. Now, what you're worried about is you're not
getting take You're fucking me, Ted, You're sucking me right now,
I'm not sucking you. Don't say that out loud. When
when somebody passes by it, here's you saying that they're
gonna think one thing. And it's not that. I'm not
not gonna think that, Ted, They're not gonna think you're
actually sucking me When I say you, are you fucking him? No? No, no, no, no,
(24:03):
I'm not. There's nothing nothing in between us. I'm okay.
I was just passing by. See. Now here's the thing
we're gonna be having. Uh oh well change. Nobody really
likes the rainforest. They're getting destroyed all over the world.
This rainforest cafe, what rusty nails drink the drink? Are
(24:30):
you telling me there's a militia against rainforest cafe. I'm
just saying that we gotta be honest. Rainforests are going
to be around forever. But if we can get an
m am fighting tournament here. Hey, Tim, thanks for stopping by. Listen.
It's not easy part of my job to have to
say what I'm about to say, but here goes. Uh.
(24:52):
We just feel here at Johnny Rockets you're not the
type of employee that we need and I wish you
better days and a few you whatever that might be.
What do you mean, I'm good in my name change
with Johnny Rocket. You told me to do that. I'm
legally onto the process right now. What do you mean? Yeah, No,
that's the kind of commitment we could have used a
couple of weeks ago. Uh, talk to tell me that
now on the way out, as the door is literally
(25:14):
hitting you in the ass, it's just not good time.
We got another birthday, so we gotta go out and sing,
so everybody come on all right, Hey, Steve, can you
get me arrusted now while you're out there and we'll
be right up. Tim, would you come into my office?
I need to talk to you. Yeah. Sure, We just
want to like here at t g I for forever.
You're not the kind of employee that we are What
(25:38):
do you mean I just legally changed my name to
just for a Friday. Yeah, yeah, don't let the door
hit you on the way. Hey, Tim, listen, I'm gonna
have to fire you here at Round Robin. We are
just not into what you're bringing. That's right here at
(25:59):
Round raw Been. We are just not what intro into
what you're bringing. That's right here it Round Robin. If
any of my god, damn, you know what, You're all fired?
All right, We're really glad to have you here, is it,
Johnny Rocket? Is it? It's just it's just so many
(26:20):
names that you used to be known by on the
on the well. Nonetheless, this old country buffet is gonna
be great for you. You don't have to really do anything.
Just pick up the plates, try not to talk to
anybody at the tables. You'll be great here. I know it,
I know it. Mr Mrs Stevens, thanks for coming in.
Um I have the results back from my four sessions
(26:44):
with your daughter, and I'm just gonna give it to
you straight. Please please don't don't pull any punches. UM
Me and my wife, we're both we're both were ready
for this. I'm an honest, uh professional frankly first starters
that tie, sir does not go with that pocket square.
(27:05):
But in regards to your daughter, does that man need
to be here during this meeting? That's the receptions? Okay,
yeah yeah, job security here is not taken lightly. You're
thirteen year olds going through him in life crisis and yep,
(27:26):
uh to be more, to be more plain english, she'll
be dead at It's like Benjamin Bunnon but the other way,
but it advanced. Uh. Never been a fan of of
that movie, So I don't know. Doctors don't like that
movie to no because it flies in the face of
actual science. Um can I can? I supposed to be
(27:50):
m m a fighting this weekend? Do you think we
should pull her? Or is there just the The medium
that I spoke to about your her situation insisted the
reason that she will be dead at six is because
of this m am a nonsense. So she's gonna lose
Wait a second, you want to go see a therapist.
(28:10):
You didn't watch a movie because it wasn't science based
and then relies on a fucking medium? Are you telling
me this? Why don't talk to you? You're way too
old to be my friend. Look, you man who else,
is you gonna buy you cigarettes and beer? Right? Come on?
I don't know. Yeah, damn right, you don't know. Come on, like,
look that helpful for me. I got pulled over the
(28:31):
other day. I was writing my mini cheap, my little
mini tiny cheep. You're too old to write that. You're
thirteen years old. That's in Sansford toddlers. It's just like,
you're not gonna still fit. My ass and my legs
hang over the side of ptice this time. You can
stand it. You can't stand in front of this stuff
and show you have to go. Oh, I can't hell
(28:52):
out of here. Tell me I see a stop sign
and I know I want to fight, So let's just fight.
Get out of your you you okay? Hold on, wait,
start hold on right? Sometimes it comes with me. Oh no, everybody,
welcome to the rain Forest Cafe. We gotta hell. I'm
(29:13):
a fight tonight. Thirteen year old don't even know his
name versing one of the most well trained animatronics in
the land. Hey, little boy about to come up and
come on? Introduced yourself to everybody here. Hey, what's up?
I'm Joey Greer. I'm about to kick some mass before
I die. Joey Greer. I know you're thirteen years old
(29:37):
and according to your doctor who said, according to the beating,
you have to twenty six before you die. So do
you feel like right now is the time that you
gotta die? Um? I'm halfway there, so I feel like
I'm actually gonna win this fight, but I also feel
like dying because my doctor did not take his oath seriously.
(29:59):
He's telling everyone about our session and I am pissed.
I feel like I'm gonna die. A little red corner
we have wing in at um easily nineties six pounds
Joey grim and then the blue corn so it turns over,
and then the blue corner we have with the Captain
(30:22):
heard himself, the animatronic from How the Destroyer Doom, the
People's Pleaser give it up for the fighter Bear. That's it.
Freakwar movie by Jenny. Look, I have to go to
the fight, Okay. The kid I'm training is there. Can
(30:42):
we just have this discussion later, please? Jenny? Hello, Jenny,
Oh my god, great, Now you just connect for me
completely great. Cool. So it's just gonna be me talking
like this. Are You're just gonna be in the bathroom?
Door closed, the whole night. Huh when you got my
car keys? Buddy, please get out of the bathroom. Have
to go to the bathroom. Seriously. Yeah, well I want
to get out of the bathroom. My lady's in there.
(31:04):
All right, we're in the middle of a fight. Okay,
So once you take a ship somewhere else. Well, now, okay,
if you had just said that from the beginning you
buried your lead friend, I would have understood. Forgive me.
Are you really sorry? Yes? Are you? Because I just
feel like you're just saying sorry. A pillow with it
embroidered on there? You're gonna bring this into a ship?
What the hell is this pillow that has seemed to everyone?
(31:32):
We're gonna end that one on. This is my shipping pillow.
See three comes from listener Thomas. You guys haven't gotten
less hilarious at all. I promise My suggestion is hell
(31:52):
gets interns. Thanks again, Thomas, Reginald sending the next I'm
sorry say that again, please sending the next possible intern. Yes, sir,
Mr bielsa uh Frank Thomas T h A U O
(32:13):
M A s Rich before he comes in. Yes, I
need a gardening tool. Three letters. Oh, sir, h, thank you,
thank You're welcome. Frank. Yeah, so I don't know, uh,
I don't know about you guys, but I'm really excited
about this internship. You know, hopefully it'll like it lead
(32:33):
to like a big position and then you know, upward
advancement within the corporation. So I'm you know, I'm I'm
digging in again. Wait, you actually only have spot for one. Yeah, well,
one of us is going to get the internship. I
wouldn't go so far. Let's just say you're excited. I mean,
I can say I'm excited. I don't know. You can't
say that. I can't say that I am excited, all right,
(32:59):
you don't. You don't. I've been doing an earth before
I got down here. Yeah's right, you don't know. All right,
all right, I'd go around and I'd organize all these
kid fights. Okay, you could just beat the ship out
of each other, and you know what, I got arrested
for that. And then when I was in jail, you
know what I did, I'll organize some some man fights.
And then when I got out, you know what I did,
(33:19):
I organized the geriatric fights. So I got all they
just fighting each other, so people think of me and
how they're like, oh, that guy. I think I gets
people to fight each other. Frank Frank Thomas. Looking for
Frank Thomas. I think he's in the bathroom. Okay, th
h th h O m A s that one. Yes, yes,
the devil will see you now, Okay, yeah, I don't
(33:41):
I don't you know what. I don't need it. Look
at these things I think you do. I think you'll
need it. Good luck. All right, he was in the bathroom.
I thought he was in the bathroom of all time?
Why did I think that? Holy shi, it is my
member going, oh my god, oh my devil. I shouldn't say, alright,
have a seat, thank you, don't mind if I do so,
(34:09):
I bring down table. Oh sorry you okay, yes, I'm
gonna go ahead and speak first and then feel free
to answer. To be a question, dutally do I'm ready
to answer, ready to book this job. What was your
last form of employment? I worked for the I R
(34:30):
S excellent. How many audits did you conduct? Um financial audits?
About two point two million, that's in a year. Did
they call my name? Oh you're Frank Thomas. Yeah, yeah, sorry,
(34:56):
I guess I was. I guess I have I b s.
Why are you sorr stopped on earth? Go ahead? Why
are you sorry? At first? I'm just ever tell me
to go ahead. I'll kick your fucking as. I'm just
it's just the bathrooms bad. You are still going? Do
you know that? I can't stop. I figured I had
(35:16):
to just leave the bathroom. I didn't want to miss
my big opportunity. Well, someone took your name and went
in there, which is actually the most devilish it I've
ever seen. So it's like, I think that guy is
gonna get the internship. Don't say what. I don't say
that in front of me. It was the most conny guys.
Stop him, I said, tell him I'm in the bathroom.
If if anybody says my name. Yeah, I did say that,
(35:40):
you're still going? Do you just go back to the bathroom.
I'm not going back to the bathroom. This is just
who I am in the afterlife. Father, thank you so
much for seeing me. I know it's you know, you know,
I know Lance passed maybe two months ago, and yes,
(36:01):
I just in my heart of hearts, I don't feel
him in heaven. But do you don't where do you
feel Lance is now? I feel like lances in isn't hell.
I feel like he's in hell town. I I've counseled
(36:23):
a lot of people, you know that. Yeah, I have
to agree with you, my god, horrid, horrid human being. Father,
There is no way Lance made it to heaven keeping.
He was sorry, he said, he was sorry on his
death but doesn't have any weight, and he way with
(36:44):
it has all the weight in the world. I didn't.
I didn't realize he he apologized on his death bed. Yes,
and he was sorry. He was so sorry. Let me
get on the phone with the Pope. I'm sure this
could all be straight. Thank you, father. Hello, this is Papa. Hey,
it's me. It's father. Ah. Father, So nice to hear
(37:04):
from you again. Oh, it is wonderful, by the way,
I saw you on CNN or MSNBC the other day.
Both you're accepting those women as in the wonderful by
the way. Well, listen, sometimes you gotta shake things up,
as you say, you have to break a few eggs
(37:25):
sometimes if you don't want the shells to say whole. Look,
there's a guy named Lance who apparently apologized on his
death bed. And I don't know if if it made
it to the big guy up top. Um did he apologizer?
In fact? The two Jesus that that's from his mother.
That is what I understand. H well said. Listen that
(37:49):
Jesus here's everyone right there. So you know this, okay,
I'm I'm just saying. The mother has a mother. I
guess it has a pretty good feeling and you know,
a mother's intuition that her son is in hell. So
if you want to take any check in with those
people up there, wouldn't you getting hurt? Jesus here, Jesus,
(38:12):
Papa popa my man, I listen, I'm man calling about
this boy named a Lance Jesus. Uh pop let me uh,
let me question? Have you if you had rits with
olive and a piece of cheese on it? Oh, it's
the ship, uh man. I don't know if the people,
(38:33):
my man, there's some good stuff. I just had to be.
I went to and it was I was a little kid,
a little kid maybe seven eight years old. Beautiful birthday party, clown,
happy face clown is beautiful. Alright. It's a tougher to
get the happy face of clown these days. Oh man,
it's tough, all right. Now, Hey, you shoot you called me. Yes, Uh, listen, man,
(38:58):
this is this boy apologize. Apparently on is the death
to bed to you is specific is the name was
a Lance and apparently is a mama. Who Jesus you
called me? So if you need me to use my
medium powers, I will, but you have to get to
the point. And yes, I've had rits with olives on them. Okay,
(39:20):
they're good, right, they're good telling me things because okay,
I just feel like somebody should tell me I have
those white crackers. Those are okay, But you have rits. Yeah,
they're buttery and they're really good. Wanted me to check
in with anyone about that in the other life, then
I could. But honestly, you're going to have to start
(39:41):
paying me. There you go, Jesus, there's your rich crackers,
all right? Hey, hey, good job here? Whoa you have
to pay for that, Jesus, No, No, it's on the house. No, no,
you have to pay for that. Sorry, Hey, Peter, we
gotta pay for these? Are you Telllet mean you had
an argument with Jesus over cracker You said that we
(40:04):
had to inventory everything and everyone had to pay. It's Jesus,
the Son of God. Look, I just lost my job.
I don't even understand. He's also God. Please, it's the Trinity.
It's the Holy Trinity. He's also the Holy Spirit God. There,
and you apologize to Jesus and to make up for it,
put him a hunker cheese and the olive on top
(40:26):
of it. You won't have this again, yes, sir, Yes, sir,
thank you. I wanna tell my dad. That's what I
wanna do. Alright, Jesus, I how are you doing, sir?
I just want to look for me. I just want
to apologize. No, I don't you really want to blow Yes? Yes,
I know you're just not saying that. Man. People said
(40:46):
that to me all the time. I'm trying to get
into this house. I just now Jesus as your father, right, yeah,
I I I have a few things to go over,
one of which is your obsession with the with the
something called the ritz cracking. Dad. They're good, Dad, it's
a crack his son. I know, how good could it be?
(41:09):
That's so good. I would have brought you and and
and and be specific if you can. What what makes
the crack of some good? The crackers has got like
a butter elment to that. All right, it's so good.
And then they put this cheek. Why not just just
to spread a little butter on a regular cracker? What, Dad,
it's better if it's baked in. Why don't talk to you?
(41:29):
Just listen to me, like love me? Who I am?
Are you telling me that this this, this, this crack
it comes from a box? Is that what you'd have
me believe? Yeah? Nice box comes in a little sleeve.
And oh man, what colors the box? Would you say
if you had, if you had to do you understand
my yea? So my mom never got her answer. It
(41:51):
was just like a round robin situation. Everyone was throwing
the question to the next person, and so I just
went and I murdered them all And that's how I
got here. Yeah. Look, no one gives it about your
backstory like here. Fucking hell, literally, fucking hell, thank you,
thank you. Tom Thomas with an age Frank Thomas, the
(42:14):
guy who's still going Fran, I just go by Frank usually. Okay,
I can't wait till that guy comes out. I'm gonna
give him a talking to. So I understand you are
the real Frank Thomas. Yes, what, Oh, it's it's probably Brimstone,
It's probably I'm gonna sulfur. I can take I smell
(42:38):
it too, though you're you're not going crazy? I smell it. Yeah,
I was getting frank. How soon can you start? Oh?
I can start right now. Okay, you're gonna bring that
horrific smell with you right if possible? I mean, go
(42:59):
get me every ritch Craig. So when is he going
to see us next? Actually? Oh baby, I booked it.
That's our show for today. Let's thank all of our
alchemists and no particular order, welcome back. It's so great
to see you again. Mr Gary Anthony, thank you, Thank
(43:21):
you my man um and uh is there anything uh?
And you'd like to direct folks too in terms of
your creativity on Instagram at Gary Anthony Williams on Twitter
at Gary A. Williams and probably February, I have a
new show coming out on Netflix called The Crew. Damn
(43:42):
excited about it. Well, thanks again for joining us. Jackie Dorothy,
thank you as well. Thank you. Appreciate you. Uh A
dressing up the closet space a little for us today.
Problem seems like you rearranged a few things and I'm
gonna say you did it, frous I did yes, Thank
you for that. Thank you for giving me something to do.
(44:05):
And folks will find you on the socials as well. Yes,
I'm at Jackie ruthy um, and the most wonderful part
of the year talking about Christmas movies just around Christmas time.
We do not go all year round, but you can
listen to whenever you're saying in the month of December, Um,
we go November December. Whoa, yeah, and then we do
(44:25):
a little fun christ Is in July just for that month.
But that you do, that's just really for you know,
the fraians favorite part of the year, the most wonderful
part of the year. That's what you said. Yeah, but
if it's your favorite part of the year, that's correct answer.
And James Eeney, well, thanks for having me. If anybody's
(44:47):
interested in cyberpunk, you can watch a play through on
game Front on YouTube and I'm doing the corporate play
through of it. So if that doesn't think any sense
to you, then you probab. We won't joy it anyway.
You either get it or you don't. Yeah, that's what
I'm hearing. A tool Hey, thanks for having me. You
(45:10):
can follow me on a tool time on most things
and uh, I don't know what James was talking about,
but I'm on chess dot com. Now. You can find
me at a tool time challenge me and I'll play you.
I'm gonna so I should play you. You on chess
dot com too, Let's go. Joey Gerstein, I am on
(45:31):
chess dot com. My name is jimp List. You figure
it out. You can also find me on Instagram at
God Bless chim Chum. I will give you a personal
thank you if you follow me. That's how much I
care about you, and I have a few photographs in
fact of you thanking people from your Instagram account. You do,
and I shoved in your face. Thank you. Yeah it
(45:53):
was I think you did that around two am and
scared the ship out of everyone in my house. You
kept calling, the hanging up, calling and hanging out. It
was from different numbers. That that's your jokester. Let's also
thank our producer and engineer of the Stars, Mr Doug
bane by by Baby and the fine folks that I
heart me. I'm your host, Kevin pol like thanking each
(46:16):
and every damn one of you who right into the
show with your thoughts and suggestions for scenes. It is
greatly appreciated all of our patron supporters as well. We
love you and um and respect you even more there
I said it. Uh, please be kind to each other
and wear a mask when you go outdoors, and damn it,
line up for that vaccine because Dr Fauci says it's cool.
(46:37):
Yeah here, let's get it. Until next time.
Welcome back to another episode about Do This Couple Edition.
I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes that Kevin. What's that? Well?
Almost every time Joey is hanging out outside your home,
he means you no harm. Almost, But I digress. Let's
meet our Rockamens Shallery. No particular orders. Say hey to
(00:22):
James Heeney, jingle bells, Jimmy. Any memories from something that
happened on Christmas Morning from your childhood? Oh god, I
feel like something that happened on Christmas Morning? Well, I
think I told the Nintendo story Christmas Morning. I mean,
we're here for you, is what I'm saying. What happened?
(00:46):
What happened? I mean I could tell the Nintendo story again.
My parents surprised me with a Nintendo. That was a
pretty big deal. Um Christmas morning. Huh your parents surprised, Yeah,
they Well, I believed in I guess. I don't know how.
I was probably six, maybe five when I found out
(01:07):
Santa wasn't real. Um, really young it was. But my
sister found out first, and she was two years older.
And we found out because somebody popped the trunk and
there was a bunch of presents in the trunk and
we're like, why can't we have these presents? And it
was awful and your parents your parents caved, I guess,
(01:28):
so I mean they it's not my business. Please welcome
Jacket Dorothy, Lady d What was your favorite childhood Christmas gift?
And why gift? And why? Uh? I don't know if
this is accurate, but this is what's coming to mind.
A doodle bear. It was a teddy bear that you
(01:50):
could drawn and jean fabric. Because I had asked for
it one or two years before and didn't get it,
but it stayed on my mind and I never asked
for it again. But then that either the next year
or two years later, I received it and I was
so happy. That's amazing. Actually, I'm glad I asked the
(02:11):
new answered, because it's nice to know if if you
don't give your child a gift when they asked for it,
a year possibly too later, still works even more so
you wait a year and that kids like, yeah, thanks
thanks for breaking a nail. We really wanted it last year.
(02:33):
But I don't care about this anymore, right, but you did? Also?
Did you say bear made of denim material? Yeah? Or
it looked like it that's what it looks like. It
looked like it was denim. And then it came with
pens that you could you could doodle on. It wasn't
enough that you your bear was made of jeans. You
could also draw on it. That's the it's a doodle bear.
(02:54):
You got a doodle on it. That's soome. And now
back for more. It's Gary Anthony. Will you yeah a
w How did you discover your parents had been less
than forthcoming about Santa? It was Mr Emmett. Uh, my
sister Mary who was always breaking bad news to me.
(03:16):
I mean, she's the one who made little Frank E
the June Bug. Let's let's remember that. God. Um my
sister Mary. One day I was talking about Santa and
she goes, well, Mr Emmon will be here in the morning.
I was like, what do you mean she liked you?
Ain't noticed that every Christmas morning Mr Emmett come in
that white pickup truck. So Mr Emmett used to hold
all our presents for us, and then Mr Emmett would
(03:36):
come early in the morning and help my daddy get
them presents together. And then he wouldn't be gone yet.
He'd be like drinking comfortable with my dad. So Mr
Emmett and Mary? Sure? And how old was Mary at
the time? Uh? I was older when I realized it
wasn't Santa. So Mary was probably seven? A no, No,
I was probably about eight. Yeah, all right, I have
(03:58):
thanks for letting me, Thanks for let me talk about this.
I have a tire in my records. You you were
a but why did you ask me? Can we please
move on? Hey, there's a total thing. The total time
is the right time. What was a typical Christmas morning?
Like in your child? We actually we grew up with
a tree. Um, we have this like my my dad
(04:20):
came for too for higher educations of the States, and
his neighbors took him in and they became like our
adoptive family. So my folks learned all the Christmas and
Thanksgiving traditions from them. So yeah, we had a tree
growing up. Um. And I don't think we ever went
through the Santa stuff. But yeah, those who may not
know your pops came to the States from from India.
(04:42):
Ah what city from? He grew up in Bombay? Remember
the street address? Uh? Yeah, it's Duty Crossroad. You know
if you're buy King Circle, you know the gym Conna.
You know there's a Rainforce cafe about forty seven miles
from the forty seven miles from from the corn. Yeah,
and last, Macquyre yourself to sleep tonight if you think
(05:04):
him least, it's Joey Greer chocolate covered funk nuts. Why
exactly again, I'll tell you why, And it's it's really simple.
The idea that the things that we're thinking of aren't
complete is only attributed to the fact that what we're
thinking of isn't that the whole idea. Now we go
back to the initial question and we start asking who
said it, we're able to infer that what they're actually
(05:26):
asking isn't the question itself, it's the idea of the
thought that they're trying to implant in the individual who's
thinking of that question. Let's do a damn show. All
of our scene suggestions are gathered from your listener emails
or from our Patreon v I p s to come
a patron supporter of the show and enjoy exclusive content,
oh like, say, video of what we're doing right now. Yep,
(05:49):
I'm recording. Just head on over to patreon dot com.
Slash Alchemy is if you like to submit a scene
suggestion via email. Please write to the podcast at your
name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name here,
I've seen one. In fact, comes from listener Catherine, who wrote, Hello,
(06:09):
I just left my first ever review of a podcast
at iTunes. She doesn't say whether it was for ours
ours or not. Thanks for helping me get through the pandemic.
Studies show that laughing out loud every day makes your
immune system stronger. Man, I hope that's true. I just
made that up. Funck Man, I just made that up.
(06:32):
But it sounds good, so I'm sure it's true. My
scene suggestion is a new nastronaut at nostronaut Sure NASA.
A new astronaut arrives at the International Space Station for
a six month shift. Thanks for all the laughs, Catherine
Wasser or Wiser from TUCS in Arizona or two sons,
(06:56):
and you're gonna be touching down with the International Space
Did you should fight A four three two before? I?
Before I cut down computer computer here, I have something
to tell you. Can you can you to speak with me?
I feel like for the past a few days, hours,
(07:20):
I don't know, time has really gotten really loopy. Ever
since I got frozen, but ever since I came back
to life, I feel like we have a really strong bond. Earlier,
you're falling in love with me. I will not advise
that I have been doing women all the way universe.
You can doing women all over the universe. I have
(07:41):
some stuff on me that you do not what on
you their. I feel so torn because my love for
you is just so strong that I want to ignore
every red flag and everything that you just said and
just find a way. I don't know. They're just circling
(08:01):
the station. I thought they were gonna I thought they
were gonna dock. What do you mean they're just circling. Well,
they came in and they were just about to lock,
and then it passed forwards. She seems to be talking
to herself. Are you able to communicate with her the whole?
I don't know why. She seems to be using the
speaker system for something else. Maybe she singles along. I
(08:22):
think it's possible. She has said before. I'll say it again,
we gotta nuke this thing out of the sky. All right, sergeant,
We're not nuking anything. We got everything that's not a
military issue. Stand out. I usually don't agree with them,
but I have show that fall communication. Do we have earth?
If you would like to make quick and meaningful now
(08:45):
is that time to do it? And then you'll come
into the space station with me. Yeah, yes, I will
allow you to bran bant me on one of the
other pocket device. Oh my gosh. Great. Then let's do
it fast and hard, baby, fast and hard. Oh that
was good for me? Great? Um, doctor. One of the
(09:09):
cameras inside the space shuttle is a sending us some
very graphic signals back. I. I don't know if we
should have this online, if we should string and cough
for me? Now, okay, your physical is fine, Um, but hey, listener, natural, No,
(09:33):
I have to hold on for the while. Natural sounds
of people having a good time is is what we need.
That's what makes people. Uh. Their immune system goes up
when they hear the sounds of love doctor, doctor. Yes,
I'm sorry. Um. When the patient just coughed, I went
ahead and took a couple of notes. Uh, And I
(09:55):
realized at this point, may I whispering your ear? Doctor?
Of course he has something that I like to call
chocolate covered fuck nuts, and I'm very concerned about him.
That wasn't a whisper. I heard that. I heard what
this is. You're not gonna understand this? Okay, well what
is it is that? Okay? Am I gonna be all right?
(10:15):
You're fine? Hey, all right, don't move, sir. I'm holding
your nuts, so okay, um chocolate favorite nut. Let's uh, yes,
may I whisper in your ear again? Of course, chocolate
covered nuts. Sorry about that, it's not favor covered sir.
(10:37):
I know what I'm doing here. I'm a doctor. All right,
we're both doctors. So just calm down, all I'm gonna
take a picture for the record. Here we gorphone lovely.
Ok all right, you're good to go. We're You're all healthy.
You're good, all right? Command you. Yes. I have to
(11:01):
admit something. When I told you that I made love
with women universe, it was merely a way that I
had to advise to get into your pants. This was
the first time I have ever really made love and
it was amused. I mean again, I'm torn. I just
feel so upset that you lied that. At the same
(11:21):
time fel full of love and like honor that I
got to take your virginity. I have done that a
few times. Um. It is something that I hold as
a badge of honor. A few badges. Actually, if anyone
ever breaks your heart I used to wait or to
God in heaven, I will kill them. I will electrocute them,
or use another computer in viruses and destroy them. Oh God,
(11:44):
I'm so hot right now, Private, Private, listen to me
right now. All right, there's a mutiny happening on board,
and these goddamn astronauts think that they can tell us
what to do. Now listen, I'm giving you the other key,
all right, I was supposed to do with this heart.
I was just about to tell you. I was just
about to tell you. Okay, when you take this key, okay,
would you look at people? You can actually giving me
(12:04):
the only other key? I need you to look patient around.
Just calm down, do tho. I need to use the key.
We're gonna open up the little box to press the
button to send that new don't you stop that? Put
put that down, Put that base down, Put the base down. Okay, okay,
how don't you suppos like chocolate? Like chocolate? Let me
(12:25):
see your nuts, Jesus Christ, Oh my god, damn it,
oh my god, chocolate covered funk nuts. Doctor. Yes, I
have been doing my own research, and I know you
told me it's not smart for me to get on
the computer. I have found out that fifty eight percent
(12:47):
of the American astronauts and people working for NASA are
infected with chocolate covered nuts. Wow, you've out done yourself
this research. No one's seen this correlation. We have to
take this up to the to the surgeon, the Surgeon
General of NESTA m H. I said, lobster not steak,
(13:13):
God damn it on the sergein general and shut up
a bit. Sorry. Yeah, you should be sorry. God damn,
I said, I'm sorry about that. Well, you should be sorry, don't.
You're just sorry? You should be sorry. I'm what I'm
trying to get, get the point acting the point across
who is not only should I be sorry, but I'm
(13:33):
actually following through with that should and I am actively
being sorry about it. I feel like these are hallow words.
That's That's where I'm coming from. You don't see I
don't see an act of sorryness. I have embroidered on
a pillow that I am sorry about that. Yeah, but
you understand that you did that before this encounter, so
obviously you you just have these pillows. That's my point.
If you start embroidering one. Now, I know you're sorry
(13:56):
that that's what I'm trying to say. You have busted?
Should you have busted? Sergeant Lewis? Is a space station?
Sergeant Lewis, can you read hello? Commander Lewis, this is
the space station? Can you hear it? Yes? Yes, terrific?
Sorry I was sorry, Yes, I can hear you. Yes?
(14:19):
Is everything okay? On board? Everything is actually really good.
It's actually more than okay. Um. I'm actually getting ready
to to doc and to land. I will be entering
the space station. Don't worry. I was just having like
a little me time, like the little sing along whatever.
It was just kind of like me by myself. I
wasn't doing anything except for singing to myself. So is
(14:40):
this some sort of joke? Chocolate fuck nuts? It's a
super awesome time. It's it's a new Christmas, so it's
not it's just me. It's just I've been singing to myself.
And one, Oh my, I believe we have created a
new holiday treat. See two comes from from our newest
(15:05):
patron v I P Supporter to be, who wrote, Hey, Alchemists,
I come before you were ashamed to admit that I've
been enjoying your work without providing any meaningful support since
the very beginning. Fortunately, I've repented of my ways and
just hopped on the Patreon bus, hoping to join the
Alchemaniac ranks once I get through the slow season of
(15:27):
my business. Anyway, I wanted to provide a scene suggestion.
It's a likely possibility that it's terrible, but I guarantee
you've made worse lumps of coal and de precious diamonds
over the years. Seen thirteen year old having a midlife crisis.
You guys are awesome. Since I'm self employed, I can
(15:50):
literally listen to the podcast all day long without getting
in trouble. So I'm on my third time through the queue.
Hope you guys live long moer than me so I
can listen to new episodes for the rest of my la.
Thank you for that, Toby, Thank you, Thank you. Toby
McCarty a k a. Toby mac not the country singer, Wow,
(16:15):
so much to impact. Something's not right with that kid.
I don't I don't know, honey. He's our oldest but well,
it's his birthday. It's his birthday. Okay, he's you know
how it is, and your birthday you get all gloom
and gloomy. Folks, folks. I hate to interrupt you, sorry,
I just wanted you to know I've tried everything within
(16:37):
my clown capabilities. The rest of the kids that your
son's birthday party seemed thoroughly entertained, but your boy not
so much. Do you mind? I know this is if
you're the artist, but could you both smile on instead
of having the painted brown face A lot of the
clowns that we usually I don't know, can't change in
(16:57):
the middle. No, no, no, that's terrific. It's terrific. I
it you were kind of know to call me an
artist and then go ahead and offer up some censorship
and some critiques and some notes which are not appreciated.
So I'm gonna put I'll take off these big shoes
and head out to the car. You can't take you
take those shoes off and the kids see you, they'll
freak out. All right, Yeah, don't take off this stuff.
(17:18):
We're paying you for the hour. Finish the hour, sir, dad, Tap,
when is the rainstorm going to happen? We didn't have
my birthday at a Rainforest Cafe not to enjoy the
full thunderstorm. No, Daddy's going to have a rainstorm right
in the front lawn. Okay, you just have to be patient.
(17:40):
I know for a fact that this restaurant makes a
huge freaking deal every twenty minutes. I know it. Do
not tell me that you're gonna give me a jankie
one in the front yard. I'm sick your homemade ship. Dad.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's just me. I'm going through
something right now. She's just he's just joking everybody. Gail Bruce, Hey,
(18:05):
how you doing. What's up there? Tiger? Hey, you said
it was an open bar, and uh, I went to
the bar dinner. I total it was part of the
party and they said I had to I had to pay,
So I don't know what the deal with that. Well,
it was only open bar for two hours and then
it was supposed to be after that on the invitation.
We can't have open bar all night long. And plus
we would really like people to stop drinking before it
(18:27):
becomes a problem. You know, are you Jenny's date? Who
are you? Yeah? Jenny d Yeah, okay, yeah weird, Yeah, yeah,
you're the teacher, right yeah, yeah, I teach martial arts.
So huh like tibo? No, not like tabo. You ever
heard of m m A, you've heard of the UFCUM.
(18:48):
I'm sorry no, um, but you really have need they
get inside if it's like a it's like a square
with four extra sides to it, it's an octagon's four
yes yes, a stop sign and they get inside and
(19:10):
they fight to the death. I want to fight and
to stop sign. Oh my god, I could. I could
definitely track you up dead. How hard would it be
for you to set up one of those fights here?
I mean I could put something up in this Rainforce cafe,
no problem. That's like honestly, if I just get the
chairs together and just like get the tables around, I
mean we can get some great the animatronic gorilla in
(19:32):
a stop sign on yo, Mr Karati Man, Yeah, keep
working on the bag. Yeah yeah, dig dig it, dig it,
I'm gonna trying to bag working in bad Check this out, man,
check this all right. I know I know that that
(19:55):
you're good at karate. This is something that I know, right,
That's all I had to say. I love that. I
love that. Um. I just want to be right up
front with you, Uh, Kevin, I'm not gonna be able
to pay rent this month, all right. Uh so I
just want you to know up front that I'm doing
ether that can to get those funds together, you know,
(20:17):
to keep the space. But uh, you know, if you
want to do free training or even better yet, I
got a kid that I'm training right now to fight
an animatronic. If you want to place a bet and
hold on, hold on, you have a human child gonna
fight an animal tronic. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not a Disney
level so you know it's not gonna be that violent,
but it's naturally. Tell me how I've been afit from
(20:39):
this MESSI crod, you play some bed, you place some bet, Kevil,
you play the bed on the animatronic. All right, it's
gonna tear that kid up. It's gonna tear that kid up,
all right, And I guess what you walk out with?
Two three, four dollars maybe more right. I don't know
how much the bets are gonna be, but you know
we can. We can pump this up, because you know,
I'm willing to bet everything out home, half of what
(21:01):
my ex wife owns and three quarters of what my
children will inherit on this animatronic. Don't let me down,
of course, of course I know I would never ever
ever do that. Thank thank you, thank you for the extension,
and I really appreciate this. All right. I am ready
to fight. I am good to go. Let me at him.
(21:26):
I come down wayvely. Just show me a right hook, man.
That's not quite the stuff we work done in the
training pirate man, Yeah, what is it? I just mr
um much time with the robot here. I just want
(21:48):
to say really good bye the hell fans from all
over the damn world. I give me that short to
me christ all right, mystical riding man. Yeah, okay, keep
it in that bag for me. I'm I'm a little confused.
You promised me that you was gonna be training this teenager. Yeah.
(22:10):
I just peeked with my eyes into the wonder and
there's a hucking pirate in there training and my hocking
bear to fight somebody. Do you care to explain yourself, keV,
I would love to. I'd love to break that down.
You know, times are tight, uh, and I've been air
being being in the space. I'm gonna be honest. I
know you told me I wasn't not to do that,
but I've been sub letting a part of my space
(22:32):
in order to supplement the income that I need to
pay rent. And yeah, okay, a little bit of my
trains rubbed off. The pirate MANA has been bringing different
animals in and training them, and it looks like the
bears taking a liking to what he's gotta got to offer.
And I don't. I don't know if you want to
get if I could be straight with your boil. You're
such a bad fighter at this point, people think you're
a bear. You follow me. Oh no, that's disappointing. It
(22:58):
must be for a realpee. Let me see the jab
one more time with yours ted. This is insane. Okay,
I'm working two shifts, all right. I gotta pick up
all the extra tables because you let Claire off because
you said we were going to get slammed. Apparently there
(23:19):
was a birthday party that was booked that you didn't
know about and I had to take on. And now
they're going to be having an octagon fight in the
middle of the goddamn restaurant. That's even though half of
my section that would be tipping. Okay, you tell me
what the hell I'm supposed to do alright, this this
is nuts, all right. I mean, I I have I
can work at any major chain I have. I was
at Johnny Rockets. Okay, I was at Red Robin for days.
(23:41):
And now here are what you're saying. I hear what
you're saying. Now, what you're worried about is you're not
getting take You're fucking me, Ted, You're sucking me right now,
I'm not sucking you. Don't say that out loud. When
when somebody passes by it, here's you saying that they're
gonna think one thing. And it's not that. I'm not
not gonna think that, Ted, They're not gonna think you're
actually sucking me When I say you, are you fucking him? No? No, no, no, no,
(24:03):
I'm not. There's nothing nothing in between us. I'm okay.
I was just passing by. See. Now here's the thing
we're gonna be having. Uh oh well change. Nobody really
likes the rainforest. They're getting destroyed all over the world.
This rainforest cafe, what rusty nails drink the drink? Are
(24:30):
you telling me there's a militia against rainforest cafe. I'm
just saying that we gotta be honest. Rainforests are going
to be around forever. But if we can get an
m am fighting tournament here. Hey, Tim, thanks for stopping by. Listen.
It's not easy part of my job to have to
say what I'm about to say, but here goes. Uh.
(24:52):
We just feel here at Johnny Rockets you're not the
type of employee that we need and I wish you
better days and a few you whatever that might be.
What do you mean, I'm good in my name change
with Johnny Rocket. You told me to do that. I'm
legally onto the process right now. What do you mean? Yeah, No,
that's the kind of commitment we could have used a
couple of weeks ago. Uh, talk to tell me that
now on the way out, as the door is literally
(25:14):
hitting you in the ass, it's just not good time.
We got another birthday, so we gotta go out and sing,
so everybody come on all right, Hey, Steve, can you
get me arrusted now while you're out there and we'll
be right up. Tim, would you come into my office?
I need to talk to you. Yeah. Sure, We just
want to like here at t g I for forever.
You're not the kind of employee that we are What
(25:38):
do you mean I just legally changed my name to
just for a Friday. Yeah, yeah, don't let the door
hit you on the way. Hey, Tim, listen, I'm gonna
have to fire you here at Round Robin. We are
just not into what you're bringing. That's right here at
(25:59):
Round raw Been. We are just not what intro into
what you're bringing. That's right here it Round Robin. If
any of my god, damn, you know what, You're all fired?
All right, We're really glad to have you here, is it,
Johnny Rocket? Is it? It's just it's just so many
(26:20):
names that you used to be known by on the
on the well. Nonetheless, this old country buffet is gonna
be great for you. You don't have to really do anything.
Just pick up the plates, try not to talk to
anybody at the tables. You'll be great here. I know it,
I know it. Mr Mrs Stevens, thanks for coming in.
Um I have the results back from my four sessions
(26:44):
with your daughter, and I'm just gonna give it to
you straight. Please please don't don't pull any punches. UM
Me and my wife, we're both we're both were ready
for this. I'm an honest, uh professional frankly first starters
that tie, sir does not go with that pocket square.
(27:05):
But in regards to your daughter, does that man need
to be here during this meeting? That's the receptions? Okay,
yeah yeah, job security here is not taken lightly. You're
thirteen year olds going through him in life crisis and yep,
(27:26):
uh to be more, to be more plain english, she'll
be dead at It's like Benjamin Bunnon but the other way,
but it advanced. Uh. Never been a fan of of
that movie, So I don't know. Doctors don't like that
movie to no because it flies in the face of
actual science. Um can I can? I supposed to be
(27:50):
m m a fighting this weekend? Do you think we
should pull her? Or is there just the The medium
that I spoke to about your her situation insisted the
reason that she will be dead at six is because
of this m am a nonsense. So she's gonna lose
Wait a second, you want to go see a therapist.
(28:10):
You didn't watch a movie because it wasn't science based
and then relies on a fucking medium? Are you telling
me this? Why don't talk to you? You're way too
old to be my friend. Look, you man who else,
is you gonna buy you cigarettes and beer? Right? Come on?
I don't know. Yeah, damn right, you don't know. Come on, like,
look that helpful for me. I got pulled over the
(28:31):
other day. I was writing my mini cheap, my little
mini tiny cheep. You're too old to write that. You're
thirteen years old. That's in Sansford toddlers. It's just like,
you're not gonna still fit. My ass and my legs
hang over the side of ptice this time. You can
stand it. You can't stand in front of this stuff
and show you have to go. Oh, I can't hell
(28:52):
out of here. Tell me I see a stop sign
and I know I want to fight, So let's just fight.
Get out of your you you okay? Hold on, wait,
start hold on right? Sometimes it comes with me. Oh no, everybody,
welcome to the rain Forest Cafe. We gotta hell. I'm
(29:13):
a fight tonight. Thirteen year old don't even know his
name versing one of the most well trained animatronics in
the land. Hey, little boy about to come up and
come on? Introduced yourself to everybody here. Hey, what's up?
I'm Joey Greer. I'm about to kick some mass before
I die. Joey Greer. I know you're thirteen years old
(29:37):
and according to your doctor who said, according to the beating,
you have to twenty six before you die. So do
you feel like right now is the time that you
gotta die? Um? I'm halfway there, so I feel like
I'm actually gonna win this fight, but I also feel
like dying because my doctor did not take his oath seriously.
(29:59):
He's telling everyone about our session and I am pissed.
I feel like I'm gonna die. A little red corner
we have wing in at um easily nineties six pounds
Joey grim and then the blue corn so it turns over,
and then the blue corner we have with the Captain
(30:22):
heard himself, the animatronic from How the Destroyer Doom, the
People's Pleaser give it up for the fighter Bear. That's it.
Freakwar movie by Jenny. Look, I have to go to
the fight, Okay. The kid I'm training is there. Can
(30:42):
we just have this discussion later, please? Jenny? Hello, Jenny,
Oh my god, great, Now you just connect for me
completely great. Cool. So it's just gonna be me talking
like this. Are You're just gonna be in the bathroom?
Door closed, the whole night. Huh when you got my
car keys? Buddy, please get out of the bathroom. Have
to go to the bathroom. Seriously. Yeah, well I want
to get out of the bathroom. My lady's in there.
(31:04):
All right, we're in the middle of a fight. Okay,
So once you take a ship somewhere else. Well, now, okay,
if you had just said that from the beginning you
buried your lead friend, I would have understood. Forgive me.
Are you really sorry? Yes? Are you? Because I just
feel like you're just saying sorry. A pillow with it
embroidered on there? You're gonna bring this into a ship?
What the hell is this pillow that has seemed to everyone?
(31:32):
We're gonna end that one on. This is my shipping pillow.
See three comes from listener Thomas. You guys haven't gotten
less hilarious at all. I promise My suggestion is hell
(31:52):
gets interns. Thanks again, Thomas, Reginald sending the next I'm
sorry say that again, please sending the next possible intern. Yes, sir,
Mr bielsa uh Frank Thomas T h A U O
(32:13):
M A s Rich before he comes in. Yes, I
need a gardening tool. Three letters. Oh, sir, h, thank you,
thank You're welcome. Frank. Yeah, so I don't know, uh,
I don't know about you guys, but I'm really excited
about this internship. You know, hopefully it'll like it lead
(32:33):
to like a big position and then you know, upward
advancement within the corporation. So I'm you know, I'm I'm
digging in again. Wait, you actually only have spot for one. Yeah, well,
one of us is going to get the internship. I
wouldn't go so far. Let's just say you're excited. I mean,
I can say I'm excited. I don't know. You can't
say that. I can't say that I am excited, all right,
(32:59):
you don't. You don't. I've been doing an earth before
I got down here. Yeah's right, you don't know. All right,
all right, I'd go around and I'd organize all these
kid fights. Okay, you could just beat the ship out
of each other, and you know what, I got arrested
for that. And then when I was in jail, you
know what I did, I'll organize some some man fights.
And then when I got out, you know what I did,
(33:19):
I organized the geriatric fights. So I got all they
just fighting each other, so people think of me and
how they're like, oh, that guy. I think I gets
people to fight each other. Frank Frank Thomas. Looking for
Frank Thomas. I think he's in the bathroom. Okay, th
h th h O m A s that one. Yes, yes,
the devil will see you now, Okay, yeah, I don't
(33:41):
I don't you know what. I don't need it. Look
at these things I think you do. I think you'll
need it. Good luck. All right, he was in the bathroom.
I thought he was in the bathroom of all time?
Why did I think that? Holy shi, it is my
member going, oh my god, oh my devil. I shouldn't say, alright,
have a seat, thank you, don't mind if I do so,
(34:09):
I bring down table. Oh sorry you okay, yes, I'm
gonna go ahead and speak first and then feel free
to answer. To be a question, dutally do I'm ready
to answer, ready to book this job. What was your
last form of employment? I worked for the I R
(34:30):
S excellent. How many audits did you conduct? Um financial audits?
About two point two million, that's in a year. Did
they call my name? Oh you're Frank Thomas. Yeah, yeah, sorry,
(34:56):
I guess I was. I guess I have I b s.
Why are you sorr stopped on earth? Go ahead? Why
are you sorry? At first? I'm just ever tell me
to go ahead. I'll kick your fucking as. I'm just
it's just the bathrooms bad. You are still going? Do
you know that? I can't stop. I figured I had
(35:16):
to just leave the bathroom. I didn't want to miss
my big opportunity. Well, someone took your name and went
in there, which is actually the most devilish it I've
ever seen. So it's like, I think that guy is
gonna get the internship. Don't say what. I don't say
that in front of me. It was the most conny guys.
Stop him, I said, tell him I'm in the bathroom.
If if anybody says my name. Yeah, I did say that,
(35:40):
you're still going? Do you just go back to the bathroom.
I'm not going back to the bathroom. This is just
who I am in the afterlife. Father, thank you so
much for seeing me. I know it's you know, you know,
I know Lance passed maybe two months ago, and yes,
(36:01):
I just in my heart of hearts, I don't feel
him in heaven. But do you don't where do you
feel Lance is now? I feel like lances in isn't hell.
I feel like he's in hell town. I I've counseled
(36:23):
a lot of people, you know that. Yeah, I have
to agree with you, my god, horrid, horrid human being. Father,
There is no way Lance made it to heaven keeping.
He was sorry, he said, he was sorry on his
death but doesn't have any weight, and he way with
(36:44):
it has all the weight in the world. I didn't.
I didn't realize he he apologized on his death bed. Yes,
and he was sorry. He was so sorry. Let me
get on the phone with the Pope. I'm sure this
could all be straight. Thank you, father. Hello, this is Papa. Hey,
it's me. It's father. Ah. Father, So nice to hear
(37:04):
from you again. Oh, it is wonderful, by the way,
I saw you on CNN or MSNBC the other day.
Both you're accepting those women as in the wonderful by
the way. Well, listen, sometimes you gotta shake things up,
as you say, you have to break a few eggs
(37:25):
sometimes if you don't want the shells to say whole. Look,
there's a guy named Lance who apparently apologized on his
death bed. And I don't know if if it made
it to the big guy up top. Um did he apologizer?
In fact? The two Jesus that that's from his mother.
That is what I understand. H well said. Listen that
(37:49):
Jesus here's everyone right there. So you know this, okay,
I'm I'm just saying. The mother has a mother. I
guess it has a pretty good feeling and you know,
a mother's intuition that her son is in hell. So
if you want to take any check in with those
people up there, wouldn't you getting hurt? Jesus here, Jesus,
(38:12):
Papa popa my man, I listen, I'm man calling about
this boy named a Lance Jesus. Uh pop let me uh,
let me question? Have you if you had rits with
olive and a piece of cheese on it? Oh, it's
the ship, uh man. I don't know if the people,
(38:33):
my man, there's some good stuff. I just had to be.
I went to and it was I was a little kid,
a little kid maybe seven eight years old. Beautiful birthday party, clown,
happy face clown is beautiful. Alright. It's a tougher to
get the happy face of clown these days. Oh man,
it's tough, all right. Now, Hey, you shoot you called me. Yes, Uh, listen, man,
(38:58):
this is this boy apologize. Apparently on is the death
to bed to you is specific is the name was
a Lance and apparently is a mama. Who Jesus you
called me? So if you need me to use my
medium powers, I will, but you have to get to
the point. And yes, I've had rits with olives on them. Okay,
(39:20):
they're good, right, they're good telling me things because okay,
I just feel like somebody should tell me I have
those white crackers. Those are okay, But you have rits. Yeah,
they're buttery and they're really good. Wanted me to check
in with anyone about that in the other life, then
I could. But honestly, you're going to have to start
(39:41):
paying me. There you go, Jesus, there's your rich crackers,
all right? Hey, hey, good job here? Whoa you have
to pay for that, Jesus, No, No, it's on the house. No, no,
you have to pay for that. Sorry, Hey, Peter, we
gotta pay for these? Are you Telllet mean you had
an argument with Jesus over cracker You said that we
(40:04):
had to inventory everything and everyone had to pay. It's Jesus,
the Son of God. Look, I just lost my job.
I don't even understand. He's also God. Please, it's the Trinity.
It's the Holy Trinity. He's also the Holy Spirit God. There,
and you apologize to Jesus and to make up for it,
put him a hunker cheese and the olive on top
(40:26):
of it. You won't have this again, yes, sir, Yes, sir,
thank you. I wanna tell my dad. That's what I
wanna do. Alright, Jesus, I how are you doing, sir?
I just want to look for me. I just want
to apologize. No, I don't you really want to blow Yes? Yes,
I know you're just not saying that. Man. People said
(40:46):
that to me all the time. I'm trying to get
into this house. I just now Jesus as your father, right, yeah,
I I I have a few things to go over,
one of which is your obsession with the with the
something called the ritz cracking. Dad. They're good, Dad, it's
a crack his son. I know, how good could it be?
(41:09):
That's so good. I would have brought you and and
and and be specific if you can. What what makes
the crack of some good? The crackers has got like
a butter elment to that. All right, it's so good.
And then they put this cheek. Why not just just
to spread a little butter on a regular cracker? What, Dad,
it's better if it's baked in. Why don't talk to you?
(41:29):
Just listen to me, like love me? Who I am?
Are you telling me that this this, this, this crack
it comes from a box? Is that what you'd have
me believe? Yeah? Nice box comes in a little sleeve.
And oh man, what colors the box? Would you say
if you had, if you had to do you understand
my yea? So my mom never got her answer. It
(41:51):
was just like a round robin situation. Everyone was throwing
the question to the next person, and so I just
went and I murdered them all And that's how I
got here. Yeah. Look, no one gives it about your
backstory like here. Fucking hell, literally, fucking hell, thank you,
thank you. Tom Thomas with an age Frank Thomas, the
(42:14):
guy who's still going Fran, I just go by Frank usually. Okay,
I can't wait till that guy comes out. I'm gonna
give him a talking to. So I understand you are
the real Frank Thomas. Yes, what, Oh, it's it's probably Brimstone,
It's probably I'm gonna sulfur. I can take I smell
(42:38):
it too, though you're you're not going crazy? I smell it. Yeah,
I was getting frank. How soon can you start? Oh?
I can start right now. Okay, you're gonna bring that
horrific smell with you right if possible? I mean, go
(42:59):
get me every ritch Craig. So when is he going
to see us next? Actually? Oh baby, I booked it.
That's our show for today. Let's thank all of our
alchemists and no particular order, welcome back. It's so great
to see you again. Mr Gary Anthony, thank you, Thank
(43:21):
you my man um and uh is there anything uh?
And you'd like to direct folks too in terms of
your creativity on Instagram at Gary Anthony Williams on Twitter
at Gary A. Williams and probably February, I have a
new show coming out on Netflix called The Crew. Damn
(43:42):
excited about it. Well, thanks again for joining us. Jackie Dorothy,
thank you as well. Thank you. Appreciate you. Uh A
dressing up the closet space a little for us today.
Problem seems like you rearranged a few things and I'm
gonna say you did it, frous I did yes, Thank
you for that. Thank you for giving me something to do.
(44:05):
And folks will find you on the socials as well. Yes,
I'm at Jackie ruthy um, and the most wonderful part
of the year talking about Christmas movies just around Christmas time.
We do not go all year round, but you can
listen to whenever you're saying in the month of December, Um,
we go November December. Whoa, yeah, and then we do
(44:25):
a little fun christ Is in July just for that month.
But that you do, that's just really for you know,
the fraians favorite part of the year, the most wonderful
part of the year. That's what you said. Yeah, but
if it's your favorite part of the year, that's correct answer.
And James Eeney, well, thanks for having me. If anybody's
(44:47):
interested in cyberpunk, you can watch a play through on
game Front on YouTube and I'm doing the corporate play
through of it. So if that doesn't think any sense
to you, then you probab. We won't joy it anyway.
You either get it or you don't. Yeah, that's what
I'm hearing. A tool Hey, thanks for having me. You
(45:10):
can follow me on a tool time on most things
and uh, I don't know what James was talking about,
but I'm on chess dot com. Now. You can find
me at a tool time challenge me and I'll play you.
I'm gonna so I should play you. You on chess
dot com too, Let's go. Joey Gerstein, I am on
(45:31):
chess dot com. My name is jimp List. You figure
it out. You can also find me on Instagram at
God Bless chim Chum. I will give you a personal
thank you if you follow me. That's how much I
care about you, and I have a few photographs in
fact of you thanking people from your Instagram account. You do,
and I shoved in your face. Thank you. Yeah it
(45:53):
was I think you did that around two am and
scared the ship out of everyone in my house. You
kept calling, the hanging up, calling and hanging out. It
was from different numbers. That that's your jokester. Let's also
thank our producer and engineer of the Stars, Mr Doug
bane by by Baby and the fine folks that I
heart me. I'm your host, Kevin pol like thanking each
(46:16):
and every damn one of you who right into the
show with your thoughts and suggestions for scenes. It is
greatly appreciated all of our patron supporters as well. We
love you and um and respect you even more there
I said it. Uh, please be kind to each other
and wear a mask when you go outdoors, and damn it,
line up for that vaccine because Dr Fauci says it's cool.
(46:37):
Yeah here, let's get it. Until next time.
Alchemy This News
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Kevin Pollak
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