March 8, 2022 • 45 mins
paparazzi
a man with a plan concerning ham
the three kings of West Virginia
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Welcome this. I'm your host. Yes,
that come? What's that? Nope, you're right, actually, Craig Atkowsky,
good catch, good catch, But I digress. Let's meet our alchemists,
shall we in a strategically particular order. Let's say hello
to Chris Alvarado. Hey, Chris, you have forty five seconds
(00:25):
to describe the feeling of catching the perfect wave. Here
and now light, I glide, shimmering, sun kissing my neck.
Hi God, it's me awesome. I gave you time and
you delivered to Hiku. That's uh, that's just beautiful. Next up,
(00:49):
it's James Ceney. James, you can travel anywhere in the
world for the ultimate culinary experience. Where do you go
and what do you eat? It's Chicago and anywhere in
the world. Chicago. You lived there already. Well, I know
where the best food it is. Okay, Okay, Chicago, great Okay.
(01:11):
On Halstead Street. At least twenty years ago, there was
there was a burrito place. I don't remember the name,
but it was really close to uh Kingston Mines. Is
that that? And that burrito place I think is the
best in my memory. The best thing I've ever eaten,
and it was huge and I miss it and I'd
love to go back. Craig, if you if you pay,
(01:32):
it sounds like you really want to go back to
your early twenties. No, no, no, no, it's not the burrito.
It's getting it's you in that time and place, getting there.
You show up there at three am and they're still open,
and but maybe it was two am, but it was late,
and you're hanging out with all your twenty year old friends.
(01:55):
It's a great burrito. Okay, all right, I'm gonna pay
for an all expense paid trip to Chicago and uh
posse of twenty year olds to hang out with you, Well,
they have to be my twenty year old friends. It's
pretty important. Strangers. I don't get along with stranger twenty
year olds. Deals off, deals offten and now a tool
thing a tool. Uh. We have a rival favorite football teams.
(02:21):
So the Dallas Cowboys is my least favorite football team.
But I will say in the realm of respect that, uh,
the all time best Cowboy that I've seen play is
Emmett Smith. What Washington Commander do you feel similarly about.
I'm a big Darryl Green fan. I don't know that's
the correct answer. Darryl Green, I'm big. You don't know
(02:42):
if I remember, Daryl Green. I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know how big of a fan you are, Craig,
and I'm calling you out. Um. Maybe you don't remember,
you know, back before they were the Commanders, and maybe
your knowledge start. No, I only I know. I only
know the Commanders, which are pretty pretty solid NFL team. Yeah, they'rendefeated,
(03:02):
have not lost a game. Formerly known of course as
the Washington Football Team, which I really liked. I really
wanted that to be their name forever. Jackie gonzalaz Do Ruthie. Hello,
what was your dream job when you were ten years old?
And in what ways are you doing it now? Yes? Um? Ten? Yeah?
By ten, I wanted to do what I'm doing. I
(03:25):
wanted to record podcasts, record podcast I didn't wanted to
like be doing comedy and and be an actress. Yeah
I did. When you were around that age, would you
do videos or do recordings with your friends? It's all
I did. Me and my best friend Jackie made movies
every time we like, we're with each other. Yes, her
(03:47):
name is Jackie. To a tool I see your face
heard like in eighth grade, like our graduation president. Her
mom got us like a new video camera, um to
keep keep it going, and we did keep it going.
I was conscious, Yes, I was constantly making movies and
like making dances and the performing. We would perform for
(04:08):
the like kids who were sitting out at recess. We
had a fake band. What does Jackie do now? Jackie
works at a university now doing like student life stuff.
So she grew up. Okay, she grew up. I didn't. Well,
let's tap into some of that ten year old Jackie
energy today. Okay, the pure joyful, childish goofiness, which I
(04:32):
would That's all I expect from you. I never and
last but scientifically determined not to be leased. This week
it's Joey Greer, thank you. Oh my gosh, Joey. Would
you do some word association with me? Yeah, of course desert, sand,
our glass, sand, Vegas, sand beach, sand. I'm wanna say
(05:06):
sandy of course of course, yeah, why no, just threw
me off? Of course with an A, of course, with
a you, of course, with the you. Yeah, okay, of
course with an A I would get because it's sand.
But do you said, course with you, Sandy, Like, I'm
all right. All you have to do is like say
(05:27):
a word. That's you know that the first word you
think of. Yeah, okay, I didn't I just did what
I did. I don't know why you're yelling at me.
I thought that was all right, of course. See it's
not that easy, is it. But it's no, it's not.
It's hard. Let's do a goddamn show. All of our
seen suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails, or from our
Patreon v I P s to become a Patreon supporter
(05:50):
of the show and enjoy exclusive content like standalone bonus scenes,
video of our recording sessions, and at the highest level
of support, Alcamaniac, you all have a chance to join
one of our recording sessions. Just head on over to
patreon dot com slash alchemy this. If you'd like to
submit a scene suggestion via email, please write to the
podcast at our new email address. I'll give you this
(06:10):
email at gmail dot com. That's alchemy dot com. Okay,
sounds good. Scene one today comes from Patreon v I P.
Kevin Pratto a k A. Swan Trizzle. Hey everyone, it's
Swan Trizzle. Oh boy, Chris, that wedding was amazing. I
(06:31):
appreciate you giving me the shout out during the outro
of one of the episodes way back in November when
you invited me and Cris b Ai to your wedding.
I don't know if you forgot or if the invitations
got lost in the mail, but security just wouldn't let
me in no matter how many times I played them
that whole episode. I'm kidding, of course. Congratulations to the newlyweds, Chris.
You are an amazing human being and I am grateful
(06:51):
for your kind words and compassion this past year. Thank you. Okay,
here we go. Scene suggestion, paparazzi, hide me, hide me?
Who are you? No one's coming recognized me on Tamara.
We don't know who you are. Man as you want
a table for one? He's our host, I could be
(07:14):
I need a table in the backpack corner. No one,
can you know that? I need? Get it? Get the photo.
I'm trying to take it, but I'm on top of
your camera. Hurry. Okay, come on, come on, come on
this way, this way, this way, this way, this this way.
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I mean, can I
my ex boyfriends of paparazzi, and he just won't let
(07:35):
me be Oh um, sure, so you can have the
seat back here. Um, this is what we call this
the Jack Nicholson seat. Okay, great, that's that's that's perfect
for me. Yeah, thank you. Okay, So you're not in
anything or like a like a celebrity, I'm in well
certain courtrooms. If you do that, I do litigation. Oh okay,
(07:59):
all right, So here's the pictures I got. I just
feel like the ship there, you fucking ship. Well you were,
you were kind of emotional, like not very far from me. Oh,
it's listen, we gotta get we gotta we gotta go
to the back or something. We gotta make sure we
cover all the exit, you know what. You gotta stop.
I think you have taken this too far. You're a
great photographer. You take photography of people, and it's bleeding
(08:24):
into your your your life in a bad way. There
I said it. I'm sorry. That's the most profound thing
anyone whos ever said. I know it's sick that you
have me take pictures because I know she's a lawyer,
and I don't think this loophole is really gonna get
you out of anything. It is gonna get me out
of everything, did you understand Jesus Christ? Look, just see
(08:44):
this through and then I promise, I promise, I'll put
it down. Okay, I'll find a new job. Okay, all right,
just just help me, please please, man, you fucking owe me, man,
I mean, bring that out, alright, alright, alright, hey Craig, Um,
you're a great host. Can I just say that? Right?
Thank you? And earlier I didn't mean to step on
(09:06):
your toes. It's just like I'm a server or so
in the in the moments of emergency, I have to
kind of step forward. I think it's management that tries
to pit hosts and servers against each other. We're really
on the same team. Well, well, how you doing? It's
me Jack Nicholson. Hey, Jack, came in to get my seat.
If you don't mind, didn't you see didn't you see Tamarin?
(09:28):
As you're the host, I'll just go make my way
back to my seat if you don't mind, Mr Nicholson.
The host needs to see to you, so just give
us one second under the bus, you piece of shit? Hi? Hi,
Mr Nicholson, Hi, how are you? Hey? Not a lot
of movies lately. Huh No, not a lot of movies.
(09:49):
Been watching a lot of Lakers games though. Yeah, yeah,
they're they're having a rough season. Yeah they are. Okay, well,
uh we are. Uh. Chris, who is our server, is
going to set up a table for you. He's a
little slammed, right, set up a table already have I know,
I know you do, but we still got to get
(10:11):
a place setting and everything there. Chris is a little
slam because have you seen the two Jake's Uh, there's
a couple of guys named Jake who worked here. It's
my film I directed it is that coming out? It's
already came out. Oh well I gotta check it out. Hey,
I know you only got your diet coke, but um
(10:32):
quick thing um. Jack Nicholson is here. Okay, it's a
good movie. I really recommend. And this is like I
said earlier, this is his table. See just come over
to the table on our show. What do you I
mean my orders placed for this table? This The runners
won't know. I used to work as in the restaurant. Yeah,
(10:52):
so you want to work with me? No, I don't,
is leg I'm a lawyer. A tool is the only
runner we have working today, so it's I don't want
to put him in the mind. He's actually really exactly exactly.
Will you share a table with Jack Nicholson? Sure, I
would actually really like that. Okay, what what do you
think about Walking Phoenix? Because I think he's he's great,
(11:15):
like he deserved that. That awesome, fantastic. I thought he's great.
And Keith Ledger also one for the like the only
two people who have played the same character in different movies.
I also played the joke or did you know that that?
If that's your table ready? If you want to follow
me right this way, Craig, thanks for Yeah, thanks Chris.
Why don't a leg come with me and talk a
(11:36):
little more. I'm not done chatting up. What you call him? Leg?
Isn't that what you call them? I imagine he's got
a tripod down there? Sure? Thanks Jack, Yeah, I must
have a hug leg. Come on, Okay, your honor, Tamara
to the to you, Yes, proceed, thank you, thank you
(11:59):
so much. I was up late last night drinking Margarita's
with Jack Nicholson, so excuse me if my memory isn't
keen right now, Tamara, you don't have to explain because
I was up late last night reading a book. I
was reading a book and crying, crying myself to sleep.
The ending was very emotional. But please continue with the
(12:20):
case of of course, this actually isn't about the case necessarily.
You know, last night I was at and one of
my favorite restaurants. Wonderful ambiance, mediocre food, but I like
the desserts considering that they're vegan. Anyways, we digress. You know,
(12:45):
somebody asked me if I was a celebrity, and then
Jack Nicholson came inside with me and talked my lit
earlier off. And I'm thinking, I quit. You're quitting my courtroom.
I have to follow my dreams. You're there. Do I
get a public defender or something? Hey, talk to you
(13:07):
and you know what, You're guilty? Guilty? What will? These
are great seats? So that is that Lebron over there? Yeah?
Of course who you think it is. We're on a
first name basis. Oh yeah, try to get his attention.
Hey Lebron shooting. Hey, do me a favor. Eat your
(13:29):
own popcorn? Asshole. Well you got a huge bucket, yeah
for me. I told you to get something you didn't
want it. Now we're sitting. You gotta eat my damn popcorn. Leg.
It's Craig, huh a tool. Look, you're a great runner.
That wasn't my fault. No, I'm saying you're a great runner.
(13:50):
You're great and like, you know, the next celebrity that
comes in here, I'll I'll try to hook you up
or something like. I know. I look, Craig's on one
right now with Jack, and that was weird for you. Craig,
Craig have a big penis what is Jack Nicholson? Call
him leg? He's like a big uh yeah, make you
(14:11):
look at it, look at him differently. Yeah, I gotta
get this soup out to the table. Four. Mr Alvarado's
all right, you didn't come in the mouths um okay,
So looks here you just wrote down you want to
make your pepe biggie, Yes, sir, yes doctor. Um Well
(14:31):
why are you coming here? Well? I saw your Instagram
ad about fillers and like jawlines and botox, and uh
so I figured if you can make the p P
biggie that would be a cool thing for me. Well,
you know, it's just aesthetic, it's not medical. You understand that, right,
And I just want to make sure before we get
into any procedures and you understand the risks and also
(14:54):
contemplate the fact that you know it might not be
something you need. Let's just take a look then for
a second. Yeah, you're gonna need it. You're gonna need it, okay,
Um doctor yeah, doctor, Um, I'm sorry. I'm just a nurse,
but I uh, James Heeney the nurse, I'd kind of
like to get a few inches removed from Minx's so big?
(15:16):
Do you think maybe James helped us? James, this is
inappropriate you come in here and saying, so, why don't
you just take us? Come on, James, James, I've already do.
Look at that thing. It needs a good seas Okay, James, Okay,
Mr I'm sorry about that. Um. You uh looks like
you have a little any It looks Tambora tamber over here. Tamara,
(15:41):
Yeah yeah, y Tamba, Hi Tambara, Welcome back to the
Welcome back to the restaurant. Hi. Um did you wow?
A lot of a lot of Samara restaurant? I got this. Chris,
you're a server. You're again you're a server. I thought
you were are recovering from your surgery. I'm back. I
(16:02):
am back, and they're walking. There's complications. Really, you're walking
kind of weird. Please please please. My aunt's boyfriend. He's
a slow runner, but he'll get to me eventually if
he keeps going. Does he's also in the restaurant industry.
I don't know how else to say it. No, not
a restaurant runner, just an Actually runner is somebody who
brings food to a table. Don't look at me. I'm
(16:25):
a server. God, you get your photo? Are you? Are
you dining with us today? Just snapped at me. Okay, Tamara,
let me. I'm just gonna take you back to the
tamaras slash Jack Nicholson booth. Oh thank you, thank you
(16:48):
so much. Oh my gosh, that was wild. Hey welcome.
Hey Chris, did you hear they're looking at another runner.
I kept hearing about another runner, Like, don't let it
get in your head. The only these are heard we're
fast runner. That's that's that's exactly the best kind of
runner there is. Oh my god. But maybe they're saying
maybe there's not a fast runner, which maybe we shouldn't
(17:11):
hire or not. Hey, well you look at my dick
real quick, dude, be there's a lot of cameras outside,
so it's just aesthetic, Like it doesn't work any better
than he used to, but like this is where we're at. Yeah,
you should get it bigger. You should get a bigger
see oh, speaking of runners, I mean we've already done
(17:34):
a lot on Chris is Dick in the previous episode.
See two is from Alcamediac Nicholas mackaer Dear Chris. Funny story.
I used to smoke Mackerel's on the street to pay
off my grandfather's debt to unsavory mobsters like Stinky Benjamin
(17:55):
Brulet and really unsavory ones like taste like shite point
dexter higgin is worth. But that's a story for another
day or possibly Joey to tell anywhow scenes. Suggestion smooth abbreviation, right,
I don't know. Suggestion sounds like it takes me longer
to articulate all those continents, and it would be easier
(18:16):
to say suggestion. But the suggestion is a man with
a plan concerning ham Make it so, Nicholas, Oh oh oh,
did you hear what's coming right here in this city?
Man with the plan and the plans about Hammond Planet
that's signed too close to my face. Please sorry, I'm
(18:38):
trying to pass. Oh sorry, sir, excuse me. Did you
want to but while you're with me, did you want
to get some ham from the man? I don't need
the song and I don't need you to spin it
thing towards he's traveling around giving people hand Did you
say there's trouble right here in this city, in Piggy City,
right here in Peggy City, Park City, Park City goes trouble.
(19:02):
Kind of trouble that needs a man that's Ham. Man
has a plan that's Ham, and that's it's the trouble. Okay,
I'll do it. I'll go inside the store. Jesus Christ,
how are you? What are you looking for them? Not particularly,
but what do you have? Might have ham? I have
(19:22):
this one hunk of ham. That's what the ordeal on
the side walks about. Yeah, the city is in trouble.
Piggy City is in trouble. I'm the man with the planets.
Just fucking stop it, Okay, fucking stop it. I'll have
a slice of that ham. You can't have a slice
of the ham. You have to take the whole hunk
of ham, the whole hunk of ham and then you're
(19:44):
gonna have nothing take the ham. Okay, look, look, Piggy
City is popping off and movetown. We ain't doing so hot,
so we need something. We need a jingle, We need
a song. We need people spinning side just like they do.
What do you have for me? Um, Terry? Do you
want to do yours first? Or should I go? I
(20:04):
just have the got milk. It's not an original idea,
but all right, have you heard their song? Yeah, yeah,
we've been. We went down to Piggy City and we
did some research. Yeah alright, alright, so what do you
got there? This is uh yeah, need the piano, but
I'll do it acapella for now. Um moved town, moved town,
(20:26):
Come on down and removed your frown. Moved down, moved shut.
I have a rock and roll version. Hey hey, Mr Beef, Yeah,
Mr Beef. We just gotta cease and desist from Barry
Gordy of Motown. Oh shit, he says, he's just add
in one. Oh hey, Also, how's my son relapsed? Is
(20:48):
that him screaming in the bedroom? Yeah, he's relapsed again.
You know, I really gotta go and take care of
the cows. But you got me on the sun duty
all day. Alright, alright, alright, go look over the cows.
I'll get back, do you do. Okay, So listen, that
was a good song. But obviously if it's been word
now ceasing assists, motown, tamera, anything else of me? Yes, um,
(21:10):
how about this? Good morning cows? Otters in my hands,
milks in the they go, do you know what the problem?
It's in the city. It's Piggy City. They asked, like
that it pops. I thought maybe a high coup would
be nice. They have songs and we had I don't know. Okay, alr,
(21:32):
here we go, here we go. This is a little
bit more metal. This is more energy, more energies. What
you want, more energies when you get d I'm sorry,
that's my He gets migraines when he's like when he's
throwing me off. Not funny, I know. Listen, I'm gonna
(21:53):
walk over to Piggytown, Piggy Piggy City and see see
what's popping over there. YouTube, get back to work. Papa,
you were gone for so long? Did you did you
bring us dinner? Were so hungry. I don't know if
it's dinner, but if the hunk a ham, I just
(22:15):
don't know what they to do with it. I don't
know you plan for this. We haven't had anything to
eating so long ago. Un ham would be yeah, we
can eat that down. If we just eat this fingers off.
If we eat this ham and it's done, it's gone.
But if we find out something that we can put
the ham with, like bread, like other stuff, it's gone,
(22:37):
it's done. No, but it's many meals instead of just
YouTube ravaging the ham. I just want to ravage. Let
the ham. Will just let us ham, please. I'm an
adult and I can make a plan for this. Okay,
a plan concerning him. That's the that's the that's the
that's what I'm gonna do right here in Peggy City.
He's a man with a plan concerning ham right here.
(22:58):
Did you see kids? Damn kids? Stop all right, let's
take a look at the What are we doing? Are
we doing something? Father? Listen? I'm angry, Okay, I'm gonna
I'm angry, and I gotta hunkry angry, angry, hungry together
angry angry. Yeah, you know what, I'm taking this hunky
(23:18):
ham to room to my room. And then when you
guys can gather yourself together. I'll come out and together
we'll come up with an idea. There's a broom in
your room. Hey, sun Height, how are you feeling in there? Look?
I just want to Sam. I'm proud of what you're
(23:41):
doing his heart, but what I'm doing his heart? I
wonder if maybe you could use some of your skills
and how may come up with a jingle something that
really sells the town and sells the products of this town.
What's your cows now? I know you haven't been out
in a while, which I'm you know it makes you happy?
What what do you want? Hey? Hi? Wow, Jesus Christ,
(24:04):
you're handsome. I forget how handsome you are. When you
clean up, you are like getting handsome. I want to
get high. What's up? I know what your jaw look?
You're like you feeling back out? You look fucking What
do you need? What do you need? We need those?
I need those packs? You didn't get those for me,
that's for sure. Are you hitting on me? Dad? What
the hell are you going on? What are you doing?
To see you for months at a time and now
(24:24):
you're here and you're like healthy and you look gorgeous. Look, Moodtown.
You're flushed. What the hell is going on? Look sweating?
It's hot in the here because I'm nervous, but I'm excited.
You want to jingle? You want jingle for the shitty town? Yes, okay, okay,
uh move over, it's time to see. It's Moodtown, baby,
(24:46):
place to be all right? Bye? Oh my god, Oh
my god? Where are you going? Where you going up?
Oh my god? Okay, I hope I remembered it. I
hope I remembered it. I hope I remembered it. Guys,
get in here and get in here. My two assists.
That's get in here. Oh funk Camra to come into
our Okay, just YouTube tam she can stee out there.
(25:09):
Um um, okay, hear me out. I'm a shy up.
But they just had one of those ice cream chucks.
Uh breakdown out front? Is it still? I scream ice cream?
Give it in my feeder? What the hell does it go?
Scream a scream ice cream? Stop? Sure? Sure, sure, mood Town.
(25:35):
Should we even be using motown anymore? I thought we
had the lawsuits. All right, kids, come on out. I've
decided what we'll eat is oatmeal and ham all right.
I know it's not conventional, but oatmeal is filling, and
we're going to be able to spread this ham out
(25:56):
on many, many meals. Okay, we're so weak, father, It's okay.
I've already made the oatmeal. All we gotta do is
add the ham. Papa. Can you feed me? Can you
feed me, Papa? I want some ham, Papa, I want
(26:19):
some ham, Papa, Son of a god, I can't take this.
I'm bringing this ham back to that ham shop because
there is trouble in Piggy City. Right here, Peggy City,
right here in Piggy City. How can I help you?
Welcome to my Hello, sir Flap. What is this? This
(26:41):
is the hunk of ham you sent me, and my
life's been hell since I tooken from you. Well, I
keep this on my hunk of ham. I have this
single hunk of ham here hanging in my story. No no, no, no,
no no no no no no no. I bought this
hunk of ham no more than about sixteen hours ago. Well,
I don't know what to say. I think it's that
for us to back up and leave Piggy City. Thank you, sir. Alright,
(27:04):
I heard you're trying to sell some used ham. It's
not used, it's just not in new condition. That's that's used.
It's not it's it was never used it it's just
not in new condition. Okay, I don't want I don't
want to get into some magics with you. I want
to school that private liberal arts college, vasser Maybe you've
(27:28):
heard of it. I had never heard of Colleges. So
if you're gonna try to impresonate with that stuff, no,
no thanks, you're gonna try to define all right, I'll
give you. I'll take this not new Ham off your hands.
Excuse me, I have a twelve thirty appointment for a
Ham appraisal. Oh my god, Jeffrey Flagerston. Yes, it's me,
(27:55):
Jeffrey Flaggers. Is he allowed to just cut in front
of me before my ham's fully appeased? You have an
appointment for I'm a prisoner. I was a walk in
ham appraiser or a crazy You don't even know what
he doesn't know. If colleges, I went to Fassar Bazar.
That's the same place he went to. No, No, that's
Vassar's brother school. Totally different school. It's all the same,
(28:17):
pronounced differently. All nice and didn't taking ast to be.
So I got, hey, buddy, come here, you wanna Do
you want to pond something? Huh? Yeah, but I don't
know if you deal with what I got here? What
do you got? This is a pretty much new hunk
a ham, a lot of budge taking out of it.
How much you want for it? Those were torn off?
(28:39):
Those weren't bitten off. I tore that off, shure, buddy, Sure,
how much you want? Well? I paid fifty dollars for it,
So I say, I say forty five dollars and this
is out there. I'll give you two corn husks, all right?
And these hollowed out ants? Huh, hollowed out? Aunt? What
(29:00):
you think I mean? Sure? Wait a second. Are my
kid's gonna break out into song and dance when they
get these? Did you hear the story of a city?
Just let us do the writing, you know. Number two, God,
(29:20):
Joe is such a good one. Like Chris. You love musicals,
I love musicals. I'm crying. Number three is from Patreon
v I P. Thomas Lawson, Greetings, alchemists. I continue to
love your Autlantish scenes. So my suggestion is this The
(29:42):
Three Kings of West Virginia. Here you here, you please
rise for the three Kings of West Virginia. Here they
are into using themselves. God damn, I wish you can
(30:02):
get closer seats and almost not hear the fucking harold.
You know this is just all procedural stuff. You don't
want to be close up anyway. I am the first
King of West Virginia. Hello, folks, I'm King Dwayne of Morgantown,
and I'm the Burger King of West Virginia. Oh here,
(30:24):
the three Kings of West Virginia. Please be seated. Okay, let'
say everyone see say, sir in the back, please take
your hat off. Take your hat off. Who gives a
ship show some respect that I'm gonna take my hat?
Excuse me, sir? Yep yep? Is that a University of
(30:44):
West Virginia hat? Yes, all right, I could tell with
the w V. I didn't go to college, but I
figured that's what it is. Can you please remove it
when you're in the presence of the three Kings? I
really want to wear the hat. Just take the hat off, please. Fine.
I'm I don't have to take my hats. I'm allowed
to wear my hat, right, it says West Vassar. Yes, yes,
(31:05):
of course, I'm sorry, no reason to ask, Okay, I
just other people take off their hats, and I just
want to make sure that I'm entitled. You are in
a different level. How can he worries that that's what's
gonna happen here is I'm not gonna punish you, but
I'm gonna kick your friend out of this is wait? No,
please your mind, do it, asshole? Your friend? Come on?
The worst you could do it? Oh? Yeah? Want you
(31:29):
want you break his wrists to really show me a
fucking lesson? Oh? Is that all about? You know what?
Once you get this little piece of glass, here's piece
of glass right here, I want you scratches, irish, scratches,
irish a glass. Yeah, it's not gonna do anything to me. Body. Well,
(31:50):
there appears to be some kind of disturbance up there
in the upper level. We're just waiting for that to
get cleared. In the meantime, if anyone has any as
this before the three Kings of West Virginia, please make
yourself known to us. At this time, I'm so sorry, King,
I need to tell you the commotion in the back.
(32:10):
Someone is wearing a crown of the University of West Virginia.
I believe they think themselves to be the fourth king. Well, well,
we have a triumvirate here that means three. But now
there was the writings of the ancient scriptures that spoke
of a fourth king, and he doth wear the crowd
that none should be allowed to wear. Well, there were rumors,
(32:33):
but that was that was always considered apocryphal. What say you,
Burger King, Well, I'd say this is as a whopper
of a problem. Okay, that's that's your Every problem is
a whopper of a problem. You should I should I
go bring him up to the front? Yes, yes, yes,
(32:53):
yeahs Kings, I have a problem, Kings. Well, what is it? Me?
And this other woman says that that's her child. I
don't know for the fact that this baby is mine. Okay,
this this, bring the child, Bring the child. Hold. This
feels like a more at Povich kind of Well we're waiting.
I was hoping to deal more with our coal industry.
(33:18):
That's my baby. Now it's my stupid bitch. This is
my fucking baby. Oh yeah, well I think that baby
looks like sid always devolved. My three kings, like they
just point some one thing out and I didn't want
to overstep the royalty. But there's one man and one
woman that could be both of their child We're both women,
(33:42):
both women. Bitch my mistake. Uncle, get the uncle, get
the men with the crowd. The fund is wrong with him,
that was with that stupid piece of bits. Those are
clearly two distinct women with separate personalities, and we're nothing
to like. Bit were nothing alike. I know, Hey, Maury,
I don't know where the two women are. Um, we
(34:04):
gave him the right address, but we're gonna have to
kind of vamp on today's episode because we don't they
were gonna fight over whose baby it is? Um, but
what do you want to do? So so you tell
me we don't have a show ready to go? Yeah,
more That's what I'm telling you. We we we had one.
Can we dust off DNA test? Yeah, but we don't
have anybody to give it to Morey, That's what I'm saying.
(34:27):
I have a show idea. Oh what is it, Clyde.
Why don't we see you who Maury actually loves more
me or his wife? And we can put that on
a lie to text your test and that's the hell. Okay, Clyde.
Don't look, We've been through this so many times. We
have been through it, haven't we. I love Connie John
Moore that I love my assistance of three months, Clyde. Well,
(34:48):
then you wouldn't mind taking a line to take your test? No,
I guess, I guess I wouldn't. You know what that
sounds like. That's gonna be a good episode. That's gonna
be good. The cameras on. Let's do this. I am
Jack Chaelson and I'm gonna be doing a lie detector
test on Mari Pavach. Mari, what what are you doing here? Well?
(35:08):
I just kind of rock around and pop into different
sound stages and they let me do whatever I want
to get acting work. No, I haven't been able to
do that in a long long time. Okay, and you're
trained on the polygraph, sure, yeah. You just make sure
the sticks go up and down and that's it, right,
All right? Shoot, go ahead, all right. Uh, I'm gonna
(35:32):
take a nap for a second, and when I pop
back up, we'll get to that test. Okay. Well, here
here comes the potential fourth Kings approaching. Let's flush him out.
This is a gentleman with the hat from the University
of West Virginia. Yeah, West Virginia, think you very much. Yeah,
(35:53):
And he says that I'm not taking the hat off.
That's what he said. And I asked him to you again,
and then he said, now what is going on? Now?
I'm just that's the whole I'm not taking the hat off. Okay,
all right, all right, I'll test this, aspiring monarch. Where's
the best place to get biscuits in Harper's Ferry? I
(36:14):
don't know. The Brogan Shop. Where's your favorite boots store
in Martinsburg? Brogan Shop? I don't know. And where is
the best place to get catfish slurpies in Newtontown Brogan's Shop,
I don't know. Brog We should never let the Brogans
have a monopoly over this entire state. Alright, alright, alright, well,
(36:38):
well he must have the mark, right, isn't that part
of the thing we all have? Will check his head,
check his head for the mark, check his head for
the more for the mark. Yeah, do it, do it?
Do it? What do you think his head for the mark? Yeah, deep, Bryant,
if it comes up floating, that's right, deep, fright. Let's start.
(37:01):
Let's start with the chicken. Just start with the chicken.
Those chicken fries, by the way, that those are those
are weird. Sir, Would you mind? Would you mind removing
your hat? I don't really want to remove. You'll be
able to put it back on, just just temporary. No,
I really, I really don't want to refusal to remove
the crown. Is you want to see? Fine? Here it is? Okay.
(37:22):
I got a growth in my head that looks like
a cardinal, the mark. I'm not proud of it, okay,
but there it is. Look you should be you should
be looks like a northern cardinal. All right, that's what
it looks like. Hey, it's I'm sorry. You are the
true king of West Virginia. You are the true King
of West We see that floats in the fire? No, no, no,
(37:43):
before just calling the true king? You want to deep
fry everything, burger or at least flame broiler. Of course
it will float in a fryer. What is your name? Exactly?
My name? Yeah, I've gone by many names over the centuries,
many titles he faces. But the name I'm most commonly
(38:03):
called is Debbie son Son. Oh my gosh, Son, come here,
Oh my god. Last time I saw you. We put
you in the ham transport. You're supposed to go to
Quantum four. Oh my boy, my boy, this is amazing.
Where's he going? Who? We just confirmed him? That's the
(38:26):
true king of West Virginia. This justin Connie Chung for
w T pooh Q. We've got a major thing in
West but that's not the actual you know, I understand NBCs,
w t v J, and you know ABC is w
(38:47):
t Q pooh yeah, Connie, we know. Okay, okay, go ahead, kids,
keep rowing. I just said live. So you're making me
look like such an idiot. Right, Oh my gosh, hold on,
don't answer the phone, Connie, What do you mean, don't
answer the phone. I hear it ringing. I need it
ring ring. Jeff does the answer it? Now? It's ringing.
(39:10):
It's more joy than I'm gonna I'm gonna answer it.
I'm gonna answer it live. Hello, it's Marie baby. Love you. Hey, Hey,
I love you too. I don't know if you are
you busy now? I am lively. Did I call your
other Oh my gosh, you call them on the air
in West Virginia. Also, I'm also on the air. You're
in West Virginia. I'm in West Virginia covering this King
(39:31):
situation over here New York. But we're doing We're gonna
do a show where Jack Nicholson's gonna administer a polygraph
and uh to me and uh and to see whether
I love you or my assistant more. Are you want
to do it again? What do I have to do?
Are you really sit there while the Jack Nicholson assesses
the results of the polygraph? Okay, well one is it?
(39:53):
Because I'm actually live right now, so I can now, Sarah,
turn that turn ABC off every time every time they
go on, too goddamn TV is live. There's some bullshit.
You just don't like the news. I enjoyed the news
because I don't like the news, Sarah. Yeah, you're right,
you know, because the news. What the hell? Have you
(40:16):
ever heard anything on the news that there's never been
something more honest than the moment? Just excuse me? Yeah,
I like to return these two holiday ants. I told you,
I told you to close that goddamn kitchen window because
people are gonna come up to the window and they're
gonna start returning things I told you. Sarah. Okay, okay, okay, Well,
now we've got to honor. I have a receipt. Let
(40:37):
me see that. Okay, okay, you got seven dollars. Honey,
you got seven dollars. I'm not favorite, Timothy, Timothy, did
you know that in West Virginia they have a keen
(40:58):
just of burgers? What? Oh, I'm already so hungry. We've
got to go. We've got we've got to get out
of piggy City. Out of piggy City. We have to
get out. If I minding those pigs, children, We've already
covered twenty pigs today. How many more do you need?
(41:18):
I need about twenty more now, hurry up. Dad left
and left us to work in the pig mines. Gotta
get out of piggy City. If we believe in ourselves,
I think we can do it. What's that voice to
get out of piggy City? I think it's our inner
hearts uniting, is one with a true calling. Thank got
(41:42):
to get out and put those pigs down, kids, Put
those pig down, kids. You gotta get show yes, go
out a moment of triumph for those underfed children. Let's
(42:04):
thank our alchemists. This episode is gonna drop on March third.
In case you need to promote anything what's going on
with you? A tool thing? Not much? Thanks uh for
having me. It's always a pleasure to be here. Loved
the singing today and that was very much, very exciting,
So thanks thanks again. Yeah, our our alchemist single is
(42:25):
gonna drop uh and never be found. Chris Alvarado Man
March third. Who will I be on March three? That's
the question, you know, who? Will we will? Will we
all be? Maybe one of us won't even be here
fifteen days away, fifteen days away. Imagine what we could
accomplish in fifteen days. You know what I'm gonna say
it right now, I'm gonna write. I'm gonna write a
(42:46):
three page short short film by March. By March three, okay,
so when when this when this uh, when this episode airs,
I will have the first draft of the short film.
Thanks everybody, three whole pages the starts. Good luck, alright,
good lucky. That's huge. Um, that's a that's that's really good.
(43:12):
Speaking of shorts, Um, the short that I wrote with
my husband Lump will be I think it was eleven pages.
I feels like a feature. But yeah, um will be
in the l A l A Shorts Film Festival. And
that's in March, and it's it's a weekend in March,
(43:33):
and it's playing all weekend because it's an online festival
and you can find the details, uh the link to
the stream. I'm gonna put that on my Instagram that's
at Jackie d Ruthie and I'm gonna put it on
my bio. Awesome, congrats on that can't wait to see it,
James Heeney, Well, I'm gonna just say, if it's not
more than like four hour drive, you should come on
(43:55):
on March eight pm to see Bear Supply. It's gonna
be an amazing improvised show that will never be seen
a second time, So I think it's worth a four
hour travel. I agree, Joey Greet. You want to close
with a little word association, Let's do it, okay, mouth open, close,
(44:17):
on off out in outer inner onward, inward outro ultro. Wow,
it just happened. That's just happened, not written. Well, how
(44:39):
did we even get there? Thanks to our engineering producer
Doug Babe and the fine folks at I Heeart Media.
Please right to list Alchemy this email at gmail dot
com until next time. But I know it too. Better
(45:05):
put off a p
Welcome back to another episode of Welcome this. I'm your host. Yes,
that come? What's that? Nope, you're right, actually, Craig Atkowsky,
good catch, good catch, But I digress. Let's meet our alchemists,
shall we in a strategically particular order. Let's say hello
to Chris Alvarado. Hey, Chris, you have forty five seconds
(00:25):
to describe the feeling of catching the perfect wave. Here
and now light, I glide, shimmering, sun kissing my neck.
Hi God, it's me awesome. I gave you time and
you delivered to Hiku. That's uh, that's just beautiful. Next up,
(00:49):
it's James Ceney. James, you can travel anywhere in the
world for the ultimate culinary experience. Where do you go
and what do you eat? It's Chicago and anywhere in
the world. Chicago. You lived there already. Well, I know
where the best food it is. Okay, Okay, Chicago, great Okay.
(01:11):
On Halstead Street. At least twenty years ago, there was
there was a burrito place. I don't remember the name,
but it was really close to uh Kingston Mines. Is
that that? And that burrito place I think is the
best in my memory. The best thing I've ever eaten,
and it was huge and I miss it and I'd
love to go back. Craig, if you if you pay,
(01:32):
it sounds like you really want to go back to
your early twenties. No, no, no, no, it's not the burrito.
It's getting it's you in that time and place, getting there.
You show up there at three am and they're still open,
and but maybe it was two am, but it was late,
and you're hanging out with all your twenty year old friends.
(01:55):
It's a great burrito. Okay, all right, I'm gonna pay
for an all expense paid trip to Chicago and uh
posse of twenty year olds to hang out with you, Well,
they have to be my twenty year old friends. It's
pretty important. Strangers. I don't get along with stranger twenty
year olds. Deals off, deals offten and now a tool
thing a tool. Uh. We have a rival favorite football teams.
(02:21):
So the Dallas Cowboys is my least favorite football team.
But I will say in the realm of respect that, uh,
the all time best Cowboy that I've seen play is
Emmett Smith. What Washington Commander do you feel similarly about.
I'm a big Darryl Green fan. I don't know that's
the correct answer. Darryl Green, I'm big. You don't know
(02:42):
if I remember, Daryl Green. I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know how big of a fan you are, Craig,
and I'm calling you out. Um. Maybe you don't remember,
you know, back before they were the Commanders, and maybe
your knowledge start. No, I only I know. I only
know the Commanders, which are pretty pretty solid NFL team. Yeah, they'rendefeated,
(03:02):
have not lost a game. Formerly known of course as
the Washington Football Team, which I really liked. I really
wanted that to be their name forever. Jackie gonzalaz Do Ruthie. Hello,
what was your dream job when you were ten years old?
And in what ways are you doing it now? Yes? Um? Ten? Yeah?
By ten, I wanted to do what I'm doing. I
(03:25):
wanted to record podcasts, record podcast I didn't wanted to
like be doing comedy and and be an actress. Yeah
I did. When you were around that age, would you
do videos or do recordings with your friends? It's all
I did. Me and my best friend Jackie made movies
every time we like, we're with each other. Yes, her
(03:47):
name is Jackie. To a tool I see your face
heard like in eighth grade, like our graduation president. Her
mom got us like a new video camera, um to
keep keep it going, and we did keep it going.
I was conscious, Yes, I was constantly making movies and
like making dances and the performing. We would perform for
(04:08):
the like kids who were sitting out at recess. We
had a fake band. What does Jackie do now? Jackie
works at a university now doing like student life stuff.
So she grew up. Okay, she grew up. I didn't. Well,
let's tap into some of that ten year old Jackie
energy today. Okay, the pure joyful, childish goofiness, which I
(04:32):
would That's all I expect from you. I never and
last but scientifically determined not to be leased. This week
it's Joey Greer, thank you. Oh my gosh, Joey. Would
you do some word association with me? Yeah, of course desert, sand,
our glass, sand, Vegas, sand beach, sand. I'm wanna say
(05:06):
sandy of course of course, yeah, why no, just threw
me off? Of course with an A, of course, with
a you, of course, with the you. Yeah, okay, of
course with an A I would get because it's sand.
But do you said, course with you, Sandy, Like, I'm
all right. All you have to do is like say
(05:27):
a word. That's you know that the first word you
think of. Yeah, okay, I didn't I just did what
I did. I don't know why you're yelling at me.
I thought that was all right, of course. See it's
not that easy, is it. But it's no, it's not.
It's hard. Let's do a goddamn show. All of our
seen suggestions are gathered from listeners, emails, or from our
Patreon v I P s to become a Patreon supporter
(05:50):
of the show and enjoy exclusive content like standalone bonus scenes,
video of our recording sessions, and at the highest level
of support, Alcamaniac, you all have a chance to join
one of our recording sessions. Just head on over to
patreon dot com slash alchemy this. If you'd like to
submit a scene suggestion via email, please write to the
podcast at our new email address. I'll give you this
(06:10):
email at gmail dot com. That's alchemy dot com. Okay,
sounds good. Scene one today comes from Patreon v I P.
Kevin Pratto a k A. Swan Trizzle. Hey everyone, it's
Swan Trizzle. Oh boy, Chris, that wedding was amazing. I
(06:31):
appreciate you giving me the shout out during the outro
of one of the episodes way back in November when
you invited me and Cris b Ai to your wedding.
I don't know if you forgot or if the invitations
got lost in the mail, but security just wouldn't let
me in no matter how many times I played them
that whole episode. I'm kidding, of course. Congratulations to the newlyweds, Chris.
You are an amazing human being and I am grateful
(06:51):
for your kind words and compassion this past year. Thank you. Okay,
here we go. Scene suggestion, paparazzi, hide me, hide me?
Who are you? No one's coming recognized me on Tamara.
We don't know who you are. Man as you want
a table for one? He's our host, I could be
(07:14):
I need a table in the backpack corner. No one,
can you know that? I need? Get it? Get the photo.
I'm trying to take it, but I'm on top of
your camera. Hurry. Okay, come on, come on, come on
this way, this way, this way, this way, this this way.
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I mean, can I
my ex boyfriends of paparazzi, and he just won't let
(07:35):
me be Oh um, sure, so you can have the
seat back here. Um, this is what we call this
the Jack Nicholson seat. Okay, great, that's that's that's perfect
for me. Yeah, thank you. Okay, So you're not in
anything or like a like a celebrity, I'm in well
certain courtrooms. If you do that, I do litigation. Oh okay,
(07:59):
all right, So here's the pictures I got. I just
feel like the ship there, you fucking ship. Well you were,
you were kind of emotional, like not very far from me. Oh,
it's listen, we gotta get we gotta we gotta go
to the back or something. We gotta make sure we
cover all the exit, you know what. You gotta stop.
I think you have taken this too far. You're a
great photographer. You take photography of people, and it's bleeding
(08:24):
into your your your life in a bad way. There
I said it. I'm sorry. That's the most profound thing
anyone whos ever said. I know it's sick that you
have me take pictures because I know she's a lawyer,
and I don't think this loophole is really gonna get
you out of anything. It is gonna get me out
of everything, did you understand Jesus Christ? Look, just see
(08:44):
this through and then I promise, I promise, I'll put
it down. Okay, I'll find a new job. Okay, all right,
just just help me, please please, man, you fucking owe me, man,
I mean, bring that out, alright, alright, alright, hey Craig, Um,
you're a great host. Can I just say that? Right?
Thank you? And earlier I didn't mean to step on
(09:06):
your toes. It's just like I'm a server or so
in the in the moments of emergency, I have to
kind of step forward. I think it's management that tries
to pit hosts and servers against each other. We're really
on the same team. Well, well, how you doing? It's
me Jack Nicholson. Hey, Jack, came in to get my seat.
If you don't mind, didn't you see didn't you see Tamarin?
(09:28):
As you're the host, I'll just go make my way
back to my seat if you don't mind, Mr Nicholson.
The host needs to see to you, so just give
us one second under the bus, you piece of shit? Hi? Hi,
Mr Nicholson, Hi, how are you? Hey? Not a lot
of movies lately. Huh No, not a lot of movies.
(09:49):
Been watching a lot of Lakers games though. Yeah, yeah,
they're they're having a rough season. Yeah they are. Okay, well,
uh we are. Uh. Chris, who is our server, is
going to set up a table for you. He's a
little slammed, right, set up a table already have I know,
I know you do, but we still got to get
(10:11):
a place setting and everything there. Chris is a little
slam because have you seen the two Jake's Uh, there's
a couple of guys named Jake who worked here. It's
my film I directed it is that coming out? It's
already came out. Oh well I gotta check it out. Hey,
I know you only got your diet coke, but um
(10:32):
quick thing um. Jack Nicholson is here. Okay, it's a
good movie. I really recommend. And this is like I
said earlier, this is his table. See just come over
to the table on our show. What do you I
mean my orders placed for this table? This The runners
won't know. I used to work as in the restaurant. Yeah,
(10:52):
so you want to work with me? No, I don't,
is leg I'm a lawyer. A tool is the only
runner we have working today, so it's I don't want
to put him in the mind. He's actually really exactly exactly.
Will you share a table with Jack Nicholson? Sure, I
would actually really like that. Okay, what what do you
think about Walking Phoenix? Because I think he's he's great,
(11:15):
like he deserved that. That awesome, fantastic. I thought he's great.
And Keith Ledger also one for the like the only
two people who have played the same character in different movies.
I also played the joke or did you know that that?
If that's your table ready? If you want to follow
me right this way, Craig, thanks for Yeah, thanks Chris.
Why don't a leg come with me and talk a
(11:36):
little more. I'm not done chatting up. What you call him? Leg?
Isn't that what you call them? I imagine he's got
a tripod down there? Sure? Thanks Jack, Yeah, I must
have a hug leg. Come on, Okay, your honor, Tamara
to the to you, Yes, proceed, thank you, thank you
(11:59):
so much. I was up late last night drinking Margarita's
with Jack Nicholson, so excuse me if my memory isn't
keen right now, Tamara, you don't have to explain because
I was up late last night reading a book. I
was reading a book and crying, crying myself to sleep.
The ending was very emotional. But please continue with the
(12:20):
case of of course, this actually isn't about the case necessarily.
You know, last night I was at and one of
my favorite restaurants. Wonderful ambiance, mediocre food, but I like
the desserts considering that they're vegan. Anyways, we digress. You know,
(12:45):
somebody asked me if I was a celebrity, and then
Jack Nicholson came inside with me and talked my lit
earlier off. And I'm thinking, I quit. You're quitting my courtroom.
I have to follow my dreams. You're there. Do I
get a public defender or something? Hey, talk to you
(13:07):
and you know what, You're guilty? Guilty? What will? These
are great seats? So that is that Lebron over there? Yeah?
Of course who you think it is. We're on a
first name basis. Oh yeah, try to get his attention.
Hey Lebron shooting. Hey, do me a favor. Eat your
(13:29):
own popcorn? Asshole. Well you got a huge bucket, yeah
for me. I told you to get something you didn't
want it. Now we're sitting. You gotta eat my damn popcorn. Leg.
It's Craig, huh a tool. Look, you're a great runner.
That wasn't my fault. No, I'm saying you're a great runner.
(13:50):
You're great and like, you know, the next celebrity that
comes in here, I'll I'll try to hook you up
or something like. I know. I look, Craig's on one
right now with Jack, and that was weird for you. Craig,
Craig have a big penis what is Jack Nicholson? Call
him leg? He's like a big uh yeah, make you
(14:11):
look at it, look at him differently. Yeah, I gotta
get this soup out to the table. Four. Mr Alvarado's
all right, you didn't come in the mouths um okay,
So looks here you just wrote down you want to
make your pepe biggie, Yes, sir, yes doctor. Um Well
(14:31):
why are you coming here? Well? I saw your Instagram
ad about fillers and like jawlines and botox, and uh
so I figured if you can make the p P
biggie that would be a cool thing for me. Well,
you know, it's just aesthetic, it's not medical. You understand that, right,
And I just want to make sure before we get
into any procedures and you understand the risks and also
(14:54):
contemplate the fact that you know it might not be
something you need. Let's just take a look then for
a second. Yeah, you're gonna need it. You're gonna need it, okay,
Um doctor yeah, doctor, Um, I'm sorry. I'm just a nurse,
but I uh, James Heeney the nurse, I'd kind of
like to get a few inches removed from Minx's so big?
(15:16):
Do you think maybe James helped us? James, this is
inappropriate you come in here and saying, so, why don't
you just take us? Come on, James, James, I've already do.
Look at that thing. It needs a good seas Okay, James, Okay,
Mr I'm sorry about that. Um. You uh looks like
you have a little any It looks Tambora tamber over here. Tamara,
(15:41):
Yeah yeah, y Tamba, Hi Tambara, Welcome back to the
Welcome back to the restaurant. Hi. Um did you wow?
A lot of a lot of Samara restaurant? I got this. Chris,
you're a server. You're again you're a server. I thought
you were are recovering from your surgery. I'm back. I
(16:02):
am back, and they're walking. There's complications. Really, you're walking
kind of weird. Please please please. My aunt's boyfriend. He's
a slow runner, but he'll get to me eventually if
he keeps going. Does he's also in the restaurant industry.
I don't know how else to say it. No, not
a restaurant runner, just an Actually runner is somebody who
brings food to a table. Don't look at me. I'm
(16:25):
a server. God, you get your photo? Are you? Are
you dining with us today? Just snapped at me. Okay, Tamara,
let me. I'm just gonna take you back to the
tamaras slash Jack Nicholson booth. Oh thank you, thank you
(16:48):
so much. Oh my gosh, that was wild. Hey welcome.
Hey Chris, did you hear they're looking at another runner.
I kept hearing about another runner, Like, don't let it
get in your head. The only these are heard we're
fast runner. That's that's that's exactly the best kind of
runner there is. Oh my god. But maybe they're saying
maybe there's not a fast runner, which maybe we shouldn't
(17:11):
hire or not. Hey, well you look at my dick
real quick, dude, be there's a lot of cameras outside,
so it's just aesthetic, Like it doesn't work any better
than he used to, but like this is where we're at. Yeah,
you should get it bigger. You should get a bigger
see oh, speaking of runners, I mean we've already done
(17:34):
a lot on Chris is Dick in the previous episode.
See two is from Alcamediac Nicholas mackaer Dear Chris. Funny story.
I used to smoke Mackerel's on the street to pay
off my grandfather's debt to unsavory mobsters like Stinky Benjamin
(17:55):
Brulet and really unsavory ones like taste like shite point
dexter higgin is worth. But that's a story for another
day or possibly Joey to tell anywhow scenes. Suggestion smooth abbreviation, right,
I don't know. Suggestion sounds like it takes me longer
to articulate all those continents, and it would be easier
(18:16):
to say suggestion. But the suggestion is a man with
a plan concerning ham Make it so, Nicholas, Oh oh oh,
did you hear what's coming right here in this city?
Man with the plan and the plans about Hammond Planet
that's signed too close to my face. Please sorry, I'm
(18:38):
trying to pass. Oh sorry, sir, excuse me. Did you
want to but while you're with me, did you want
to get some ham from the man? I don't need
the song and I don't need you to spin it
thing towards he's traveling around giving people hand Did you
say there's trouble right here in this city, in Piggy City,
right here in Peggy City, Park City, Park City goes trouble.
(19:02):
Kind of trouble that needs a man that's Ham. Man
has a plan that's Ham, and that's it's the trouble. Okay,
I'll do it. I'll go inside the store. Jesus Christ,
how are you? What are you looking for them? Not particularly,
but what do you have? Might have ham? I have
(19:22):
this one hunk of ham. That's what the ordeal on
the side walks about. Yeah, the city is in trouble.
Piggy City is in trouble. I'm the man with the planets.
Just fucking stop it, Okay, fucking stop it. I'll have
a slice of that ham. You can't have a slice
of the ham. You have to take the whole hunk
of ham, the whole hunk of ham and then you're
(19:44):
gonna have nothing take the ham. Okay, look, look, Piggy
City is popping off and movetown. We ain't doing so hot,
so we need something. We need a jingle, We need
a song. We need people spinning side just like they do.
What do you have for me? Um, Terry? Do you
want to do yours first? Or should I go? I
(20:04):
just have the got milk. It's not an original idea,
but all right, have you heard their song? Yeah, yeah,
we've been. We went down to Piggy City and we
did some research. Yeah alright, alright, so what do you
got there? This is uh yeah, need the piano, but
I'll do it acapella for now. Um moved town, moved town,
(20:26):
Come on down and removed your frown. Moved down, moved shut.
I have a rock and roll version. Hey hey, Mr Beef, Yeah,
Mr Beef. We just gotta cease and desist from Barry
Gordy of Motown. Oh shit, he says, he's just add
in one. Oh hey, Also, how's my son relapsed? Is
(20:48):
that him screaming in the bedroom? Yeah, he's relapsed again.
You know, I really gotta go and take care of
the cows. But you got me on the sun duty
all day. Alright, alright, alright, go look over the cows.
I'll get back, do you do. Okay, So listen, that
was a good song. But obviously if it's been word
now ceasing assists, motown, tamera, anything else of me? Yes, um,
(21:10):
how about this? Good morning cows? Otters in my hands,
milks in the they go, do you know what the problem?
It's in the city. It's Piggy City. They asked, like
that it pops. I thought maybe a high coup would
be nice. They have songs and we had I don't know. Okay, alr,
(21:32):
here we go, here we go. This is a little
bit more metal. This is more energy, more energies. What
you want, more energies when you get d I'm sorry,
that's my He gets migraines when he's like when he's
throwing me off. Not funny, I know. Listen, I'm gonna
(21:53):
walk over to Piggytown, Piggy Piggy City and see see
what's popping over there. YouTube, get back to work. Papa,
you were gone for so long? Did you did you
bring us dinner? Were so hungry. I don't know if
it's dinner, but if the hunk a ham, I just
(22:15):
don't know what they to do with it. I don't
know you plan for this. We haven't had anything to
eating so long ago. Un ham would be yeah, we
can eat that down. If we just eat this fingers off.
If we eat this ham and it's done, it's gone.
But if we find out something that we can put
the ham with, like bread, like other stuff, it's gone,
(22:37):
it's done. No, but it's many meals instead of just
YouTube ravaging the ham. I just want to ravage. Let
the ham. Will just let us ham, please. I'm an
adult and I can make a plan for this. Okay,
a plan concerning him. That's the that's the that's the
that's what I'm gonna do right here in Peggy City.
He's a man with a plan concerning ham right here.
(22:58):
Did you see kids? Damn kids? Stop all right, let's
take a look at the What are we doing? Are
we doing something? Father? Listen? I'm angry, Okay, I'm gonna
I'm angry, and I gotta hunkry angry, angry, hungry together
angry angry. Yeah, you know what, I'm taking this hunky
(23:18):
ham to room to my room. And then when you
guys can gather yourself together. I'll come out and together
we'll come up with an idea. There's a broom in
your room. Hey, sun Height, how are you feeling in there? Look?
I just want to Sam. I'm proud of what you're
(23:41):
doing his heart, but what I'm doing his heart? I
wonder if maybe you could use some of your skills
and how may come up with a jingle something that
really sells the town and sells the products of this town.
What's your cows now? I know you haven't been out
in a while, which I'm you know it makes you happy?
What what do you want? Hey? Hi? Wow, Jesus Christ,
(24:04):
you're handsome. I forget how handsome you are. When you
clean up, you are like getting handsome. I want to
get high. What's up? I know what your jaw look?
You're like you feeling back out? You look fucking What
do you need? What do you need? We need those?
I need those packs? You didn't get those for me,
that's for sure. Are you hitting on me? Dad? What
the hell are you going on? What are you doing?
To see you for months at a time and now
(24:24):
you're here and you're like healthy and you look gorgeous. Look, Moodtown.
You're flushed. What the hell is going on? Look sweating?
It's hot in the here because I'm nervous, but I'm excited.
You want to jingle? You want jingle for the shitty town? Yes, okay, okay,
uh move over, it's time to see. It's Moodtown, baby,
(24:46):
place to be all right? Bye? Oh my god, Oh
my god? Where are you going? Where you going up?
Oh my god? Okay, I hope I remembered it. I
hope I remembered it. I hope I remembered it. Guys,
get in here and get in here. My two assists.
That's get in here. Oh funk Camra to come into
our Okay, just YouTube tam she can stee out there.
(25:09):
Um um, okay, hear me out. I'm a shy up.
But they just had one of those ice cream chucks.
Uh breakdown out front? Is it still? I scream ice cream?
Give it in my feeder? What the hell does it go?
Scream a scream ice cream? Stop? Sure? Sure, sure, mood Town.
(25:35):
Should we even be using motown anymore? I thought we
had the lawsuits. All right, kids, come on out. I've
decided what we'll eat is oatmeal and ham all right.
I know it's not conventional, but oatmeal is filling, and
we're going to be able to spread this ham out
(25:56):
on many, many meals. Okay, we're so weak, father, It's okay.
I've already made the oatmeal. All we gotta do is
add the ham. Papa. Can you feed me? Can you
feed me, Papa? I want some ham, Papa, I want
(26:19):
some ham, Papa, Son of a god, I can't take this.
I'm bringing this ham back to that ham shop because
there is trouble in Piggy City. Right here, Peggy City,
right here in Piggy City. How can I help you?
Welcome to my Hello, sir Flap. What is this? This
(26:41):
is the hunk of ham you sent me, and my
life's been hell since I tooken from you. Well, I
keep this on my hunk of ham. I have this
single hunk of ham here hanging in my story. No no, no, no,
no no no no no no no. I bought this
hunk of ham no more than about sixteen hours ago. Well,
I don't know what to say. I think it's that
for us to back up and leave Piggy City. Thank you, sir. Alright,
(27:04):
I heard you're trying to sell some used ham. It's
not used, it's just not in new condition. That's that's used.
It's not it's it was never used it it's just
not in new condition. Okay, I don't want I don't
want to get into some magics with you. I want
to school that private liberal arts college, vasser Maybe you've
(27:28):
heard of it. I had never heard of Colleges. So
if you're gonna try to impresonate with that stuff, no,
no thanks, you're gonna try to define all right, I'll
give you. I'll take this not new Ham off your hands.
Excuse me, I have a twelve thirty appointment for a
Ham appraisal. Oh my god, Jeffrey Flagerston. Yes, it's me,
(27:55):
Jeffrey Flaggers. Is he allowed to just cut in front
of me before my ham's fully appeased? You have an
appointment for I'm a prisoner. I was a walk in
ham appraiser or a crazy You don't even know what
he doesn't know. If colleges, I went to Fassar Bazar.
That's the same place he went to. No, No, that's
Vassar's brother school. Totally different school. It's all the same,
(28:17):
pronounced differently. All nice and didn't taking ast to be.
So I got, hey, buddy, come here, you wanna Do
you want to pond something? Huh? Yeah, but I don't
know if you deal with what I got here? What
do you got? This is a pretty much new hunk
a ham, a lot of budge taking out of it.
How much you want for it? Those were torn off?
(28:39):
Those weren't bitten off. I tore that off, shure, buddy, Sure,
how much you want? Well? I paid fifty dollars for it,
So I say, I say forty five dollars and this
is out there. I'll give you two corn husks, all right?
And these hollowed out ants? Huh, hollowed out? Aunt? What
(29:00):
you think I mean? Sure? Wait a second. Are my
kid's gonna break out into song and dance when they
get these? Did you hear the story of a city?
Just let us do the writing, you know. Number two, God,
(29:20):
Joe is such a good one. Like Chris. You love musicals,
I love musicals. I'm crying. Number three is from Patreon
v I P. Thomas Lawson, Greetings, alchemists. I continue to
love your Autlantish scenes. So my suggestion is this The
(29:42):
Three Kings of West Virginia. Here you here, you please
rise for the three Kings of West Virginia. Here they
are into using themselves. God damn, I wish you can
(30:02):
get closer seats and almost not hear the fucking harold.
You know this is just all procedural stuff. You don't
want to be close up anyway. I am the first
King of West Virginia. Hello, folks, I'm King Dwayne of Morgantown,
and I'm the Burger King of West Virginia. Oh here,
(30:24):
the three Kings of West Virginia. Please be seated. Okay, let'
say everyone see say, sir in the back, please take
your hat off. Take your hat off. Who gives a
ship show some respect that I'm gonna take my hat?
Excuse me, sir? Yep yep? Is that a University of
(30:44):
West Virginia hat? Yes, all right, I could tell with
the w V. I didn't go to college, but I
figured that's what it is. Can you please remove it
when you're in the presence of the three Kings? I
really want to wear the hat. Just take the hat off, please. Fine.
I'm I don't have to take my hats. I'm allowed
to wear my hat, right, it says West Vassar. Yes, yes,
(31:05):
of course, I'm sorry, no reason to ask, Okay, I
just other people take off their hats, and I just
want to make sure that I'm entitled. You are in
a different level. How can he worries that that's what's
gonna happen here is I'm not gonna punish you, but
I'm gonna kick your friend out of this is wait? No,
please your mind, do it, asshole? Your friend? Come on?
The worst you could do it? Oh? Yeah? Want you
(31:29):
want you break his wrists to really show me a
fucking lesson? Oh? Is that all about? You know what?
Once you get this little piece of glass, here's piece
of glass right here, I want you scratches, irish, scratches,
irish a glass. Yeah, it's not gonna do anything to me. Body. Well,
(31:50):
there appears to be some kind of disturbance up there
in the upper level. We're just waiting for that to
get cleared. In the meantime, if anyone has any as
this before the three Kings of West Virginia, please make
yourself known to us. At this time, I'm so sorry, King,
I need to tell you the commotion in the back.
(32:10):
Someone is wearing a crown of the University of West Virginia.
I believe they think themselves to be the fourth king. Well, well,
we have a triumvirate here that means three. But now
there was the writings of the ancient scriptures that spoke
of a fourth king, and he doth wear the crowd
that none should be allowed to wear. Well, there were rumors,
(32:33):
but that was that was always considered apocryphal. What say you,
Burger King, Well, I'd say this is as a whopper
of a problem. Okay, that's that's your Every problem is
a whopper of a problem. You should I should I
go bring him up to the front? Yes, yes, yes,
(32:53):
yeahs Kings, I have a problem, Kings. Well, what is it? Me?
And this other woman says that that's her child. I
don't know for the fact that this baby is mine. Okay,
this this, bring the child, Bring the child. Hold. This
feels like a more at Povich kind of Well we're waiting.
I was hoping to deal more with our coal industry.
(33:18):
That's my baby. Now it's my stupid bitch. This is
my fucking baby. Oh yeah, well I think that baby
looks like sid always devolved. My three kings, like they
just point some one thing out and I didn't want
to overstep the royalty. But there's one man and one
woman that could be both of their child We're both women,
(33:42):
both women. Bitch my mistake. Uncle, get the uncle, get
the men with the crowd. The fund is wrong with him,
that was with that stupid piece of bits. Those are
clearly two distinct women with separate personalities, and we're nothing
to like. Bit were nothing alike. I know, Hey, Maury,
I don't know where the two women are. Um, we
(34:04):
gave him the right address, but we're gonna have to
kind of vamp on today's episode because we don't they
were gonna fight over whose baby it is? Um, but
what do you want to do? So so you tell
me we don't have a show ready to go? Yeah,
more That's what I'm telling you. We we we had one.
Can we dust off DNA test? Yeah, but we don't
have anybody to give it to Morey, That's what I'm saying.
(34:27):
I have a show idea. Oh what is it, Clyde.
Why don't we see you who Maury actually loves more
me or his wife? And we can put that on
a lie to text your test and that's the hell. Okay, Clyde.
Don't look, We've been through this so many times. We
have been through it, haven't we. I love Connie John
Moore that I love my assistance of three months, Clyde. Well,
(34:48):
then you wouldn't mind taking a line to take your test? No,
I guess, I guess I wouldn't. You know what that
sounds like. That's gonna be a good episode. That's gonna
be good. The cameras on. Let's do this. I am
Jack Chaelson and I'm gonna be doing a lie detector
test on Mari Pavach. Mari, what what are you doing here? Well?
(35:08):
I just kind of rock around and pop into different
sound stages and they let me do whatever I want
to get acting work. No, I haven't been able to
do that in a long long time. Okay, and you're
trained on the polygraph, sure, yeah. You just make sure
the sticks go up and down and that's it, right,
All right? Shoot, go ahead, all right. Uh, I'm gonna
(35:32):
take a nap for a second, and when I pop
back up, we'll get to that test. Okay. Well, here
here comes the potential fourth Kings approaching. Let's flush him out.
This is a gentleman with the hat from the University
of West Virginia. Yeah, West Virginia, think you very much. Yeah,
(35:53):
And he says that I'm not taking the hat off.
That's what he said. And I asked him to you again,
and then he said, now what is going on? Now?
I'm just that's the whole I'm not taking the hat off. Okay,
all right, all right, I'll test this, aspiring monarch. Where's
the best place to get biscuits in Harper's Ferry? I
(36:14):
don't know. The Brogan Shop. Where's your favorite boots store
in Martinsburg? Brogan Shop? I don't know. And where is
the best place to get catfish slurpies in Newtontown Brogan's Shop,
I don't know. Brog We should never let the Brogans
have a monopoly over this entire state. Alright, alright, alright, well,
(36:38):
well he must have the mark, right, isn't that part
of the thing we all have? Will check his head,
check his head for the mark, check his head for
the more for the mark. Yeah, do it, do it?
Do it? What do you think his head for the mark? Yeah, deep, Bryant,
if it comes up floating, that's right, deep, fright. Let's start.
(37:01):
Let's start with the chicken. Just start with the chicken.
Those chicken fries, by the way, that those are those
are weird. Sir, Would you mind? Would you mind removing
your hat? I don't really want to remove. You'll be
able to put it back on, just just temporary. No,
I really, I really don't want to refusal to remove
the crown. Is you want to see? Fine? Here it is? Okay.
(37:22):
I got a growth in my head that looks like
a cardinal, the mark. I'm not proud of it, okay,
but there it is. Look you should be you should
be looks like a northern cardinal. All right, that's what
it looks like. Hey, it's I'm sorry. You are the
true king of West Virginia. You are the true King
of West We see that floats in the fire? No, no, no,
(37:43):
before just calling the true king? You want to deep
fry everything, burger or at least flame broiler. Of course
it will float in a fryer. What is your name? Exactly?
My name? Yeah, I've gone by many names over the centuries,
many titles he faces. But the name I'm most commonly
(38:03):
called is Debbie son Son. Oh my gosh, Son, come here,
Oh my god. Last time I saw you. We put
you in the ham transport. You're supposed to go to
Quantum four. Oh my boy, my boy, this is amazing.
Where's he going? Who? We just confirmed him? That's the
(38:26):
true king of West Virginia. This justin Connie Chung for
w T pooh Q. We've got a major thing in
West but that's not the actual you know, I understand NBCs,
w t v J, and you know ABC is w
(38:47):
t Q pooh yeah, Connie, we know. Okay, okay, go ahead, kids,
keep rowing. I just said live. So you're making me
look like such an idiot. Right, Oh my gosh, hold on,
don't answer the phone, Connie, What do you mean, don't
answer the phone. I hear it ringing. I need it
ring ring. Jeff does the answer it? Now? It's ringing.
(39:10):
It's more joy than I'm gonna I'm gonna answer it.
I'm gonna answer it live. Hello, it's Marie baby. Love you. Hey, Hey,
I love you too. I don't know if you are
you busy now? I am lively. Did I call your
other Oh my gosh, you call them on the air
in West Virginia. Also, I'm also on the air. You're
in West Virginia. I'm in West Virginia covering this King
(39:31):
situation over here New York. But we're doing We're gonna
do a show where Jack Nicholson's gonna administer a polygraph
and uh to me and uh and to see whether
I love you or my assistant more. Are you want
to do it again? What do I have to do?
Are you really sit there while the Jack Nicholson assesses
the results of the polygraph? Okay, well one is it?
(39:53):
Because I'm actually live right now, so I can now, Sarah,
turn that turn ABC off every time every time they
go on, too goddamn TV is live. There's some bullshit.
You just don't like the news. I enjoyed the news
because I don't like the news, Sarah. Yeah, you're right,
you know, because the news. What the hell? Have you
(40:16):
ever heard anything on the news that there's never been
something more honest than the moment? Just excuse me? Yeah,
I like to return these two holiday ants. I told you,
I told you to close that goddamn kitchen window because
people are gonna come up to the window and they're
gonna start returning things I told you. Sarah. Okay, okay, okay, Well,
now we've got to honor. I have a receipt. Let
(40:37):
me see that. Okay, okay, you got seven dollars. Honey,
you got seven dollars. I'm not favorite, Timothy, Timothy, did
you know that in West Virginia they have a keen
(40:58):
just of burgers? What? Oh, I'm already so hungry. We've
got to go. We've got we've got to get out
of piggy City. Out of piggy City. We have to
get out. If I minding those pigs, children, We've already
covered twenty pigs today. How many more do you need?
(41:18):
I need about twenty more now, hurry up. Dad left
and left us to work in the pig mines. Gotta
get out of piggy City. If we believe in ourselves,
I think we can do it. What's that voice to
get out of piggy City? I think it's our inner
hearts uniting, is one with a true calling. Thank got
(41:42):
to get out and put those pigs down, kids, Put
those pig down, kids. You gotta get show yes, go
out a moment of triumph for those underfed children. Let's
(42:04):
thank our alchemists. This episode is gonna drop on March third.
In case you need to promote anything what's going on
with you? A tool thing? Not much? Thanks uh for
having me. It's always a pleasure to be here. Loved
the singing today and that was very much, very exciting,
So thanks thanks again. Yeah, our our alchemist single is
(42:25):
gonna drop uh and never be found. Chris Alvarado Man
March third. Who will I be on March three? That's
the question, you know, who? Will we will? Will we
all be? Maybe one of us won't even be here
fifteen days away, fifteen days away. Imagine what we could
accomplish in fifteen days. You know what I'm gonna say
it right now, I'm gonna write. I'm gonna write a
(42:46):
three page short short film by March. By March three, okay,
so when when this when this uh, when this episode airs,
I will have the first draft of the short film.
Thanks everybody, three whole pages the starts. Good luck, alright,
good lucky. That's huge. Um, that's a that's that's really good.
(43:12):
Speaking of shorts, Um, the short that I wrote with
my husband Lump will be I think it was eleven pages.
I feels like a feature. But yeah, um will be
in the l A l A Shorts Film Festival. And
that's in March, and it's it's a weekend in March,
(43:33):
and it's playing all weekend because it's an online festival
and you can find the details, uh the link to
the stream. I'm gonna put that on my Instagram that's
at Jackie d Ruthie and I'm gonna put it on
my bio. Awesome, congrats on that can't wait to see it,
James Heeney, Well, I'm gonna just say, if it's not
more than like four hour drive, you should come on
(43:55):
on March eight pm to see Bear Supply. It's gonna
be an amazing improvised show that will never be seen
a second time, So I think it's worth a four
hour travel. I agree, Joey Greet. You want to close
with a little word association, Let's do it, okay, mouth open, close,
(44:17):
on off out in outer inner onward, inward outro ultro. Wow,
it just happened. That's just happened, not written. Well, how
(44:39):
did we even get there? Thanks to our engineering producer
Doug Babe and the fine folks at I Heeart Media.
Please right to list Alchemy this email at gmail dot
com until next time. But I know it too. Better
(45:05):
put off a p
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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