Passengers On A Commuter Train

Passengers On A Commuter Train; Marvel’s First Openly Gay Super Hero; The Day The Machine Woke UP.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This cold Stratton
here filling in once again for Kevin Pollock, who is
off shooting the Big Year, two Bigger Birds. Let's meet
our alchemists for today. She's bought upwards of fifty wardrobes
just trying to get to Narnia. Vanessa Raglan, do you
really want to meet Mr Tumnus? That bad? Yeah? I'm
an head. I really hope that's what they're called. Next,

(00:29):
he don't want no scrubs, not even at the hospital,
Joey Greer, Joey, what do you prefer doctors to be
dressed in? Then? Uh? Honestly, whatever they're comfortable in. I
don't think that they should be forced to fin a
uniform or anything like that. Nice, great just happened, right,
look at that? Who knew? Should we say? My introt

(00:49):
sure didn't walk again? Right now? Mr Craig kick kick
kick kick? Hey Craig welcome? Uh hi Craig, welcoming to

(01:11):
the thing. Uh good, yeah, nice, let's see here. He'll
eat tacos and days other than Tuesday. Mark Gagliardi is here,
That is true, Mark, what's on your perfect taco? My
perfect taco is uh, just cheese and shredded lettuce because
I grew up eating stacks of taco bell tacos. Yeah,

(01:34):
you don't get all the extra stuff. Just give me
the give me the basic, baby. I like the old
fashioned taco bells that look like what are they called
like missions? Yeah? Yeah, there's a few of those buildings
out there. There's a few left, there's a few. They've
gone through some changes. Now they have a biscuit taco
in the South. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, biscuits and gravy taco
for breakfast. I don't trust our next alchemist knows the

(02:02):
ship out of the Dewey decimal system. Brad Norman. What's
the point do we, Brad? Where can I find a
book on the dust bowl? Oh that's easy as your
local library, or at any taco bell that looks like
And finally, he ain't afraid of no ghost, which means
he is afraid of ghosts. James Teney, James, have you

(02:24):
ever had a supernatural encounter? I did when I was
a child. I wasn't that young. Do you want so?
The story goes like this. We thought that my sister
was dreaming about a ghost outside of her window, but
it turned out the next morning there was footsteps, and
those footsteps through the snow, I do, but they it's

(02:48):
almost as if she was there. There was footsteps the
pristan the lead from the highway, but it didn't leave
anywhere else, and there's no way he made it through
the window. It's it's yeah, I'm afraid of ghosts. But
let me further just a little bit more. The theory

(03:09):
that the cops had when they showed up with that
he probably came. Oh yeah, because Mike, when we saw
there was footprint, well, we didn't realize there's a ghost
until the cops said. The guy must have come in
through our window. But we had big dogs that would
never let that happen. Here's the ghost says everything I
wanted out of that Christian the second half of that.

(03:29):
Maybe some other day I'll tell the rest of the story.
Oh yeah, you didn't even hear the ghost part. Put
those suggestions down. We got to do this all right,
to say it. Let's get to our first scene. All
of today's scene suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails.
If you'd like to submit yours, please write to the

(03:51):
podcast at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at Alchemy this dot com. Here
we go. First scene suggestion, Hello Alchemy, Emily. I would
like to start off by saying that you make my
commute to and from work very enjoyable and entertaining. As
I'm writing this email, I'm on the train going into work,
listening to the third Thanksgiving episode freaking hysterical. Keep up

(04:12):
the great work, and hope you will consider performing a
live show in Boston. Come on over to the East
Coast and pocket Car and Harvard Yard exactly so that
pocket Cat have it yet it's wickedis the commuter train
is an interesting place where every day hundreds of people
from all over surrounding towns head into this big city.

(04:32):
So the commuter trains where this takes place go again.
Thanks for being so freaking funny. Look forward to towards
many more episodes. Cheers, Marissa. Next stop streets? Was that
third Street? I don't know the first part, but if
you're on Third Street, you can just follow it to

(04:53):
wherever you're going. Right, Having on this train my entire life,
what are you talking about? I can't get off. Come
with me, Come with you? You don't think you understand
I can't get off this commuter. I'm pregnant. Can I
have that seat? Yeah? Thank you? Here, excuse me, sorry,
I don't want to sit next to you. You don't
want to sit next to me. You're really pregnant. What's

(05:14):
your name? What's your name? La flick? It's your name
your mother named it's my nickname, but that's your mother
named you. Like, we'll go fund yourself. Like, well, I'm sorry.
You know what, everyone was born out of a woman. Okay,
I'm not entirely sure that you are pregnant. Well, I
don't know. You could be wearing a fake bell. That's gross.

(05:36):
What's wrong with your belly button? It comes out like
that and it's not susan when your beatty is ready
to come out, you're sick. Boom. Here's my ticket. Pregnant,
lady cheese? But your shirt done that? That was an Yeah,
it's a pushed out. Yeah. I've probably got three more
weeks left on this thing. I don't have a ticket.

(05:58):
Mast cough, fast change. Man. If you weren't pregnant, I
boot you off this train. You know that's discrimination. Boot
me off? Alright, you're booted to get off the train. No, pregnant.
You can't do that. That's hey Dave, Hey, hey, excuse me,

(06:20):
gonna have to seat. I'm pregnant my seat. Yeah, I'm
really pregnant. Look at me, I'm pregnant. You're not pregnant.
You're a man. That's discrimination. And come on, my man's pregnant.
Let me know the seat, show me looking right here.
I'm a genetic experiment. Look, my man's pregnant. No, no,
I'm pregnant. Genetic all right here, pregnant ladies, so you

(06:45):
want to feel kick my man sites friends with lick?
Do I know this guy? Yeah? I don't know. I
don't know that your friend kick me. I have never
seen this guy. And you're not pregnant, sirry, I'm playing
a genetic experiment. But they make me take the train
in because they can't. They can pay for you to
get pregnant. But they can't pay for a private car. No,
they can't. They Why do they want you to have

(07:06):
a baby, lady, My man's take a place. Congratulations on
your baby, so you can think very much. Oh no,
that steems me. You know we didn't congratulate me. Really, Yeah,
that's kind of messed up. Your bald man gets pregnant.
Everyone's saying, oh, congratulations on your baby, miracle, a miracle. Yeah,

(07:29):
I'm sorry, not my business, but I've seen a lot
of matter of fact, I was born from a lady.
How's that baby going to get out of you? Well,
that's the thing. I'm going to die when it happens. No,
that's not sad, No, it's gonna be. It's gonna be
a tough journey for little Jean. That's his name, Gene Corp.

(07:52):
That's who's named after. That's the lab be came out of.
But someone naming him Eugene Corps. So yeah, he's gonna
be here, and about two and a half month to think,
it's about what. He's gonna be here, and he's through
my pe hole and then I will die. Oh, for
God's sake, give him your seat. You know, my mother's
name was Gene. I'm getting up all right about protect

(08:16):
that's my stop. Good luck to you. Hey, thanks, look
appreciate it. Who's the guy who said he's been on
this thing forever? Oh that's me. What do you mean
by that? That's then inkling around in my head ever
since his train has been moving. I just remember being here.
I don't remember a time before or anything after. I've

(08:37):
just been on this train. I don't have any I
guess being here talking to people. I guess the city
pays me by letting me just stay on this train
and eating all the crumbs that are on the floor
and licking all the water it's on the window. So
it's kind of hard. But here and y'all talk about
a family and this man being pregnant and what a
miracle that is. Why don't you get off the train?

(08:58):
I tried before, but I can't, Like, what do you
mean you can't? I black out and then I fall
backwards back into the train. Feel terrible for you. How
many seat I couldn't you're pregnant? No, no, you take
the seat of her pregnant too, I know, but he's pregnant.
You're heavy, very heavy. Sorry to all those crumbs I've

(09:19):
been eating. Man, you're not supposed to have two on
one seat. Dave, get off this lady's laughs, thank you. Yeah,
you're welcome. I still need to see tickets from all
of you. I don't have a ticket. What about this guy?
You know this guy? Yeah, that's Dave. He's been on
the train for several years now. Actually, my father told
me about Dave when he got it. He got on
the train first when he was a kid. Does no

(09:40):
one else find this very upsetting? That might just be
your pregnant hormones or something. I don't know. I don't no, no, no,
you cannot put this on my hormones, Dave, I don't know.
I just said that a man lives on the train
and subsists on crumbs and it's never gotten off. It
seems to black out when he tries to get off.
No one, Hey, yeah, how do you think about the

(10:01):
Celtics this year? Burton McHale gonna do it again? I
guess I don't. I've never seen a game. I've just
heard it on the radio. They seem to be doing well.
Oh really yeah, where they won the title a couple
of years ago and now it's you know six. You
know they got Bill Walton this year. It looks looks good. Yeah,
everything looks the same to me, same aster. Did you
hear we got this new president coming in John F.

(10:22):
Kennedy is gonna make things wonderful for everyone. I hope.
There's so many problems in the world right now. Alright, Well,
I'm gonna get off this train now, goodbye bye. I'm
Kevin Diapers and this is Stories from the Transit Authority.
We're recording live on the train southbound to Rushing Care
and Ushery. I'm here with what was your name again? Dave? Dave?

(10:44):
And Dave is what the city knows as a train child,
a train child, that man, a grown man who has
lived on the transit system most of his adult life. Dave,
we feel like possibly you've seen what kid be seen.
You've heard things that most of us couldn't even imagine.

(11:05):
What wisdom would you impart to? Uh? Normi says people
would call him, just check your pockets. Check your pockets.
You know a lot of things fall out of the pockets.
And I'm also thankful, um you know food, Uh, you
know pieces of technology that have been able to you know,
put together to make my own devices and whatnot. Is

(11:25):
that Kevin Diapers, Yes, sir, Yes, sir, I'm just Kevin
Diapers over there. I love your show. Actually, ticket wait's
right here, sir, here than hey, Dave interrupt this interview
about my pea broke, my pa broke's baby's coming. My god,
oh my god, it's come. It's early, but it's coming.
My man's I'm gonna have a baby. Right, everybody get up, Oh, push,

(11:49):
push push, This is got sick. Okay, good God for
our listeners. Alright, start talking on this thing. We gotta get.
This will be the sound of a man dying. All right,
I need some sticks. You can all put up his
pete hole. Everything is bulging, everything is bulging. But these

(12:12):
all big poppy, big poppy. It's coming. It's coming. Look
at this beautiful beautiful baby girl. Oh God, a girl.
It's a girl. Oh, Eugene, Eugenia, Eugenie. Dave Razor, why okay,

(12:38):
because you're the only constant Boston's Evan know what the fuck?
Bug he's dying. He's gone, He's gone. Did you get that, Tapers,
I've gotten it all? Actually yes, yes. He will all
be on the podcast. It will be up on iTunes.
It's a five part series entitled Gross Children of the Trains.

(13:00):
Now with the number one podcast in the Try Boston
New New It's one of the best podcasts out there.
Mr Kevin Diapers, Thank you. Now. You've fallen under some
controversy because you know audio of people passing, audio people
giving birth, it's really hit hard amongst the Christian, liberal, progressive,

(13:20):
Republican And what do you have to say to that
demographic that's now calling a boycott to you? Often, I've
found that pure art is in fact divisive, and what
I do is your art, and so I do find
the subject matter is divisive, but it's poignant and it's
divisive in its truth. And that's always been the point

(13:43):
of our podcast. We try to turn over the dirtiest,
wettest pieces of garbage and try to find people under
there and maybe take those people and dress them and
clothe them, give them a voice, and broadcast that voice
across the broadband internet, across the country and around the world.
You dipers, Okay, Hey, come down for it. We'll do
questions in a bit. Yeah. Yeah. As as an artist,

(14:06):
as a podcast artist, I feel like it's better to
be treated as a war criminal than not be treated
at all. Um. What I want is a certain sanguine
tone to each episode. What do you about penguins? Hell,
we'll do it. We'll do questions in a bit. He's
not about to talk about penguins. We'll get to do
your dipers. We'll get two questions in a bit holy ship.

(14:26):
Mccale's in the audience. Oh my god, Oh my god,
Hey guys, Kevin McHale here, Oh my god, that's a star.
I'm one of the biggest stars in the Tri Boston area.
All three Bostons. Your teamwork with parishes I control. Okay,

(14:47):
we'll get to Mr McAllen a minute, but first let's
talk to Michale. Michel, get to mccal in one second.
Umuck you too, dude. Okay, who made you boss? Well?
I made myself. You suck at this. Your voice isadly
to listen to. Okay, that's just all come down for
a second. Okay, let's just stop saying cry cry. He's

(15:09):
losing it. I just keep on going. Mr diaper please, yes,
of course. Um, I just wanted to say that call
I hear your passion, and this is part of the
process of recording and distributing, disseminating crying. Yes he is,
He's crying, real tears. Why is everybody on podcasts always crying?

(15:33):
It's it's only because you collectively have hurt his feelings
and humiliated him so much in public sphere. It's the
kind of emotion, the kind of drama, the kind of humiliation.
That was like the point two boards. He average that severe,
that many boards, that's a lot. He wasn't even crying
when he did it, just one second. Tempera pedic mattress

(15:56):
is not only a mattress that can help your back,
but it's also up They could help your sleep. I
really like temper paintings, temper peedick, you're gonna be able
to sleep? Why don't you do? Adds for Lisa, adds
with Lisa, why am I talking to you? Why am
I talking? You're dot com? The kale step dot com.

(16:16):
Repeated mattress temper beeting mattresses will make you sleep just
as sound as if you're own it up with fifty
hat hatchback right and round right. Uh, Mr diaperspect you
good evening. I'm Kevin Diapers, and since it is the
ten year anniversary of our most provocative episode, I've decided
to bring back a few of the characters that we

(16:36):
met in the transit system and the horrific and divisive
events of our most popular and most downloaded episode. I'm
here with the only girl to be born from a
man on a transit system. Her name is Daisy, and um,
we just wanted to check in with her. It has
been ten years. She's a hearty ten year old girl. Uh,

(16:59):
full of dreams and hopes and potential. Um, Daisy, how
is your journey been so far? Would you care to elaborate? Mm?
What I hear is truth, and what I hear from
you is true. Say ample stamp in town? He said,

(17:23):
is ample stamping stamping down? Next up? So we're also
here with a woman who was who did give birth later,
not on the train, but she was at the time
quite offended by the fact that a man giving birth
and subsequently sacrificing his life to birth this child was

(17:43):
getting a little bit more shall we say attention. No,
you said you weren't going to come at me with
that angle. Well, I'm just I'm just recalling trying to
get me riled up. It's not gonna work. Diapers ten
years older, I know one thing and two about a
thing or two. Well, I'm just I'm here, just curious.
How are you feeling about the events now that ten
years have passed. I mean, I think it's psycho that
the dude ps you know, shredded in front of us

(18:06):
and this creature came out that was not a person.
We all are saying, this is a baby girl. That's crazy.
There's this guy, Dave. No one's talking about Dames. So
Dave raises this all eel for lack of a better word,
about what the baby is on the transit system. And
now the big story is the woman is offended. Oh
fuck you diapers. It's not actually the whole narrative. It's

(18:29):
just something that was like a pretty big honking in
text on to how you were apple stamping town. Make
sure you have ample stamps now, Dave, you are now
thirty seven years old, and I lived on the train
all of your life, and when we last spoke to you,
I know that there was a great deal of out
pouring on your behalf. A lot of people wrote into

(18:52):
the podcast to ask how you were doing and whether
or not you were a Native American shaman. Given the
whizz to me you imparted last time, did anyone say
they knew me? No? No, no one at all. I'm sorry. No. No.
You have any of those letters with your They were
all emails, so we can print them out for you
by the end. Great, I'd love to read some of those.

(19:14):
Have you had no contact with the outside world? Outside
of people you've come across in the transit system, only
what I've seen through the windows moving so fast? Isn't
that so much like everyone's life? Yes? And what have
you learned in the ten years since we've first spoke.
Check your pockets, you know, always make sure to check
your pockets. It's precisely what you said ten years ago. Alright,

(19:38):
passport please, David says you got no stamps in your passport?
What have you been on a train your whole life?
I have? That was a joke. Nobody has I have?
Wait what I have been the whole time? It's my
first time out. His bottom half is disappearing. Quick stamp

(20:00):
stamp her well, and that's the first Poor Dave. At
least his penis didn't get shredded. We don't know that,
but we know it's true. We do not know that
our second scene suggestion. Greetings alchemists. Corey from North Carolina here,

(20:20):
and I just want to say I love the show.
I work from home, and Tuesdays and Thursdays are always
my favorite work days. I have to say I love
you all. But Vanessa Raglan is my spirit animal as
far as seen ideas go. Marvel introduces their first openly
gay superhero, Bear Devil, a blind man with superhuman abilities.

(20:40):
You choose, keep up the great works, best wishes, Corey. Yeah,
I'm good. So I didn't say anything of that. I
just I was asking about as a friend. You're asking
what I was asking you? How is a friend? Oh? Yeah,
that's that's fine. Okay, I have a question. Do you
fight crime or do you just it's sassy at it,

(21:03):
I'm really holding back a lout here. I uh, I
fight crime, and I just want you to know I
don't represent the community as a whole. I'm an individual.
I'm a human being. Okay. Who I am does not
mean that I represent all gay superheroes. Okay, I'm gonna
what are you buy? No, I'm a gold star superhero.
That means I've never had sex with a woman. Superhero moment,

(21:26):
golds are superhero. Yeah, well there's a gold star gay
I've never had sex with you know? Why do you
have to wear a mask to hydra identity? Uh? Why
why you got it? Why you hiding behind a mask?
Who are you all? My arch nemesis Lactose is out there,
and I don't want to know my identity because I
have a family and friends, and would you would you

(21:47):
hide and bar devil my identity? Well move, Look come
every medians, look at this. Look it's so called baar
devils holding. He doesn't even know where we are. He
doesn't even know what giant treasure we're just stolen. He's

(22:09):
too busy defending his sexuality. Somebody change the channel. I
can't watch the city a bar? Do you like? Sports?
Sports is the only thing that we got here at sports,
at sports sports, we got sports all we want. We
had sports all the way up. So if you got
anything sports we got. We got sports here, we got

(22:30):
sportt listen. I think it's time that we get bigger.
We gotta we gotta top ourselves, girl, Well not physically
get bigger, but you mean you mean as an organization.
I want to follow you to the end of the earth,
and I want the earth to end. How do we
top ourselves? It doesn't there need be a top at

(22:50):
a bottom. Yeah. Well, I think that if we grow
and we get big and we top ourselves, well then
we could really we could really strike fear into this city. Oh,
I mean, like we stack ourselves like a human pyramid. Yeah,
I'm still a little confused about this whole top and
bottom thing. Well, I wouldn't think too much about the
top and bottom part. I'm just saying there's treasure out

(23:11):
there that we earned. But what is stacking ourselves have
to do with treasure. I'm just talking about topping ourselves,
like toe stopping ourselves is the only thing we got,
thank God. I'm just saying bar Devil is obviously being
you know, he sounds like Daedevil. His name sounds like Daedevil.

(23:36):
Overweighting Harry. Okay, I really need to get out there
and fight crime. Okay, so let's just dog to fight crime.
You're kind of out of shape looking. I think you're
out of shape looking. I think you're shaking. I'm not
fighting crime, I am, and I'm find in the body
in the in the look I am. I'm doing it. Well.

(23:56):
I have a question, Yeah, where did your hours coming from?
Is it like more of a superhero story or is
it like super gay diapers? Yeah, Mr Diapers, You've asked
a lot of like really fucked up things in the past.
I don't mind cursing, okay, and your podcast is pretty
much hate mongred. Okay, all right, it's pretty much hate mongred,

(24:17):
gay origin story bar devil. Hey, Dave Thompson Better Holmes,
Is it true? Yeah? Thanks? Is it true? Your secret
layer is tastily furnished by Jonathan Edlard. I can't say
that on the record, But what I can't say is, uh,

(24:37):
how do you? How do you? What's your day job?
What do you do doing the day to make money?
I can't see that. I can't tell you what my
secret job he is. I bet you he is. He's
not saying no. I can't say yes or no to
that queer eye. He's blind. That's I'm blind in both eyes.
But I can everyone know that. Yeah I miss that. Yeah,

(25:02):
I did too. I did too. I thought I those
were just really really interesting. I like, you know, goggles, Okay, Yeah, look,
I I really need to go fight crime. Okay. I
can't be answering all these criming cargo shorts and sandals
easily okay, The answer is easily okay, And it's getting
it gets hot out there, especially underground. She gotta stay
loose top to breathe through. Okay. You try to do
anything in tight leather, I mean, that's insane. Why hired

(25:25):
Jonathan Adler? If you can't see it to appreciate it.
You know, that's a great question. And I think with
any kind of furniture or any peace in general inside
the home, it's really about texture. That's an admission of Adler. No,
it's not. I said, if you have any appreciation for
his craft and his pie that I'm studying, I'm saying
that now, Okay, you doing these press conferences instead of

(25:47):
fighting crime because I have to. Okay, the whole cities
on fire bears. Guess what, I'm the only one who's
forced to do this goddamn press conferences. No other superhero.
Yeah right, yea, this conference and if I did so what?
And if I did so what? I have to get
things out there so I can go fight. Growing have
to do this goddamn press conference. Monica Standard Daily News. Yes,

(26:08):
I don't have a question ready, Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Turned this ship off. I can't. It's very interesting to me.
I just can't believe how how out in the open
is our arch nemesis. I feel all that trumps, but
it's also a character Steady. I love sports. If we're

(26:31):
going to solve any more, or if we're going to
commit any more, crimes. I'm losing my touch. I just
found Lactos's journal. Wait what he's got doodles of bad devil?
That's just so I remember what he looks like. The
question don't you have a crush on? I don't this

(26:55):
whole thing been us a cord and bear no aboard.
Look at this drawing there on a horse hose. You
know what, You don't have to do bad things to
get attention from bar devil. You could probably just introduce

(27:15):
yourself and be a good guy. Maybe he needs a sidekick.
I wouldn't mind helping you set up, but I don't know.
Dream Day quick to the press conference. Yes, yes, I
I Monica Standard Daily News. Yes, I'm ready. Okay, what
what's your favorite kind of grime to fight? And why
grime to fight? My favorite crime to fight? And why

(27:39):
any kind of Honestly? Okay, than I wouldn't I have
a favorite crime? Get a story here, trying to find
a new angle on this whole superhero thing. No one
takes me seriously round the office. Do you take yourself serious?
That's the problem? Okay, every everybody, everybody cool, This is

(28:00):
not what you think it is. Birds and happy here,
What time what's going on? Just like me if you're
just tuning in. We're watching the two thousand three classic

(28:22):
Bar Devil on Yoster Peace Theater. Uh, this is a
bit of a time capsule, but we're about to watch
the third act, which is Roaler something you guys. I'd
also like to mention our sponsor, Charleston You you know why.
Without further ado, let's get back to the movie. Show
is Diaper's brother Sean. Yes, Uh, we're gonna have to

(28:47):
let you go. I'm sorry what I know this is
in the middle of the broadcast, but we gotta let
you do. But I've been a staple of Yosterpiece Theater
since nine. I know, I know, but we we have
understood that you've been stealing some supplies. So my supply.
The CEO of Charleston Chew was on the line. He's
hopping man all right. Uh, Mr Chew, you're on speaker

(29:12):
fire him, Yes, sir, yes, sir, And I'm really sorry
about that. I'm sorry to miss your niece birthday. She
missed you a bounty house, yes sir, yes, sir. And
I really appreciate all the brittle water you sent over.
That was That was a gesture that we will not
forget filter filter filter it up, yes, sir, Yes, sir.
And that David Jerman that you sent over as well,
that was that was very nice, sir. Welcome here. Gotta go, okay, Jamie. Um,

(29:37):
it sounds like this is really serious and like you're
totally gonna fire me before I go. May I recommend
someone for a replacement, But we already have Monica Star
coming in. So Monica fucking Star, Yes, from the Daily
Something that this Daily Standard. What I mean is that
the fluff piece bitch from page He don't even start

(30:00):
it with me, Basica, you're a basic. It is. It
is a Rose alt A T shirt and you wish
you could afford it. I got it from jay Z's brother.
No you didn't. You got it on I got it
from j Z. The man said he was jay Z's brother.

(30:21):
I bought it on Kwanga Avenue and right he was
selling him out of the box. Monica Star, who played
herself in the movie Bear Double, is here on the
very day that you're screening Bear Devil. Yeah, that's and
replacing you the Ironies. Yes, I was actually going to
recommend the actor that played Bear Devil is in the movie.
But I suppose you'll do oh, I will, well, thank you.

(30:44):
If we're grading on a curve for stopping means students,
you have a t R on. Hey, listen, Under the
right circumstances, the D plus can be a B minus.
What do you do get us? And what did people
do with Charleston? Choose that I don't now, By the way,
I'm still a producer. You guys are gonna have to
buy my ass out. Yeah, I'm sure we can show

(31:04):
out thirty anyone tell me what people do with Charleston
shoes that she doesn't even know what she just has
to sell them. You know what they are. But the
way you said it is you put him in the
freezer and smack him on the counter. No, wh the
hell are you? Who are you? Okay started interrupt Lactose
and bare Devil. It's a wonderful dream date scene when

(31:25):
they're walking on the beach together. Sure, let's watch the
end of the movie. Yosterpiece there, But it was about
six months till then, and that's when I lost him
your eyes, that's when you lost your eyes? Ah? Do

(31:47):
you like a single stretch of spaghetti? Hold on one second, baar,
devil um, do you mind little ones? If we if
you eat the one end of spaghetti and he the
other end of spaghetti, of spaghetti, there is kiss it's
it's very it's very bella note of you. But could

(32:08):
we have a little private walk down this beach, just
for a few minutes, just the two of us. Okay,
well you had me Hello, use that. Use that. That's
already taken. It's from a movie. How many kids are here,
but they're not kids like the ones from the movie.
Has to come out yet. Oh well then we're not

(32:30):
going to even mention it. Yeah, I'm still pitching that movie. Yeah,
let's not talk about another movie. Well, yes, movie, you
know what I mean. Let's like just keep it about
this movie, right Star, Daily Standard. I'm so glad I
caught you here, marka Star? What are you doing? I
thought I was following a superhero story. It turns out
it was a love story all along, wasn't it. Well,

(32:52):
I mean I think it could be. I think it is.
Can I take your picture? Tell me where to look? Oh,
just stand by him? Okay, where are you? Grab my hand?
Where I'm here? Over here? Where's that over here? Gotcha?
Got it? Does she really take it or does she

(33:13):
just say chick chick? No, her camera just as vocal
recording of someone saying chick chick. But it makes the
picture happen. Thinking if I lay here, if I here,
they do this, I just get the word. They think
they're helping loctose. I'd love you. No one's ever said

(33:37):
that to me. But you've done some evil things, but
I can forgive that. I know you've done some evil things,
and I can forgive that. Thank you. We can make
the world a better place. But I've been evil for
so long, But You've loved this entire time, haven't you.
I've loved being evil, and now I love you, and

(33:58):
I don't know which one I love. Well, you got
to choose one. I need to talk to my minions
for a minute. You look worried. There's something wrong. I
think I have to You represent a life of crime,
and I think I have to leave you behind. I'm

(34:21):
I'm I'm making footprints in the sand with with bear devil.
Now I'm making footsteps in the sand with bear devil
now like ghost to gh that's right, just like ghosts
do in the snow. Are you sure that we can
show this graphic sex scene even on yourstarpiece theater. Oh yes,
this is where it gets really gross. And this is

(34:42):
where the people really started hurrying to get these fucking
things off. The funk up, the funk up, like this

(35:03):
is this what tops and bottoms are. Shut the funk
up a bit. We'll be right back with more Bare Devil,
the classic from two thousand two, a story of superpowers, identity,
and love conquering all Like sports are the thing that's
gonna get us all through the day. So that's the
second sports whoa racy stuff? I don't know. I'm going

(35:30):
to share this episode with my mother. I might skip
this one. It's all Craigs fault. I thought it was
educational and alright, our last see for today, my dearest alchemists.
My work as a machine operator and a food manufacturing plant.

(35:53):
This basically amounts to sitting around doing nothing at the time. However,
one machine being finnicky can shut a large scale operation
down quickly, so we try to quickly give our machines
whatever they need in order to run again. I always
wonder if a machine became sentient, what did it asked for?
I can't be the only person who listens to podcasts
all day at a boring factory, and I'm sure others

(36:15):
could relate. Love what you guys do. I'll be listening
Jake from Grand Rapids, Michigan. That's lunch, because I mean
it's over, it starts. No, this is the halfway mark
of our day. Lunch is just starting. Did you bring
anything to share? I thought there'd be a cafeteria. It's
not a cafeteria. No. We usually share and share. Everybody

(36:39):
gets a little portion of each other's. There's an old
Spanish mission across the street that makes tacos. Yeah, I
can go check that out. Yeah, sir, you get enough
of everyone, so it's just like a rookie thing. I
gotta get everybody tacos or yeah. Sure, yeah, but don't
play that ship. Whoa and then coming into a fucking okay,

(37:00):
I worked in factories before another ship goes down. You
gonna take advantage of me. I'm gonna take advantage of you.
Huh wow. No, you know we're not gonna take advantage. Yeah,
damn right. You're not just having a little fun. It's
it's no big deal. We're bringing a food. Look I
brought I got seventy seventeen casseroles. She's the biggest jar
of potato salad I've ever Oh my god, bring this

(37:23):
a lot. But I don't need anything unless it's got
like noodles and cheese. And my thing is the turkey legs.
I got access to turkeys so that max different things
with mayonnaise and call them salads. All right, Well, this
is a great spread. Is there any food on that
lunch table for me? Who said that? What was that?

(37:43):
Did you just do a voice? Rookie, do a voice?
I'm not doing a voice. It's my molding machine. It's
my molding machine. It became sentient a couple of days ago.
Don't just ignore him. Did you report this to your
floor manager? I don't want to get in trouble. I
think it might be my fault. What was it? Your fault?
You've been teaching it, Larry. You've been doing it. You've

(38:05):
been doing the machine. I just started by trying to
teach it one thing, and then I'll are you trying
to teach it? Larry? I just wanted to know if
it was okay, I would always be liking how does that?
How is that working for you? And how's that working
for you? Oh you're going pretty quick today. Machine. Good job.

(38:27):
And what is that doing that machine? Ohly, ship is
Larry doing that machine? Or what the fun is that? Oh?
You know what, maybe maybe it's time to stop Larry
doing that machine at Billy, Larry, wrong, you're dicks in

(38:48):
your lathe right now. I don't know, would you guys
go go for it? Larry? Okay, Scott, I have stopped.
I have stopped. Wow, I did not really and it
was weird. So I don't really want to report it
because no, he got the voiced and he in the machine.

(39:13):
He didn't suck the machine rite, Larry, I mean I
didn't think that. You ask the machine machine careful if
you start talking to it, it's good. It's already chatting. Yeah,
it already talked. It was trying to chat a minute ago.
We're all going to talk to the machine. Larry is
the most interesting for the record, everything is everything I
did bad was before it was sentient. So is that

(39:34):
machine pregnant? It looks like there's a little machine and
then I'm going to have another machine. Whoa oh oh
that confirms the guys. It's impossible to know if that's
really my machine. And as you're the only man that machine.
That machine said it's yours, Larry. You're taking the machines

(39:57):
word for it. That's a mechanominus magamus related ship. Yeah, Don, Don, Yeah,
sorry interrupted, but we have video footage and proof that
one of the machines from the floor is. Sorry, you
can't speak to Don right now, Claire, how are you
We're not having an affair. By the way, I didn't
think you were, Claire. I didn't think you were. Okay, okay, Well,

(40:18):
you can't talk to Don right now. I can't what's
going on with this ton huh? Right here? I understand
that is? This? Is this why you haven't been coming
home there there? Yeah? Okay, great, wow, okay, cool. So
you know what, I'm gonna take this information somewhere else, okay, Don, Great, Claire? Great?
Oh great for you to great for me to let
me have that information. You can't give it to me,

(40:38):
you can. I'll take the information. Give me that my
goddamn company. Crazy. That was really mean. Somebody's sucking a machine.
Someone's having sex with the machine. The machine is pregnant. Wait,
the machine that Larry has been sucking. Oh you knew
about it. Everyone knew about it. We've been watching it
on loop. Well, I didn't tell you. You didn't tell

(41:00):
me about it. Nobody told me about it. Everybody calls
me by my first name, and nobody tells me what
the hell is going on in my own company? I
think this is a using you know what? Get Larry
up here right now, Larry, have you been sucking a machine? Well?
I don't know. I mean, it's hard to call it.
I'm sorry. Have you been making love to a machine?
It certainly was never love. I was masturbating with a machine.

(41:23):
Do you know what's pregnant? There's no way that's possible.
Think about it. I have been thinking about it. I've
been thinking about it a lot. And you know who
else has been thinking about it? Are lawyers, Larry, are lawyers.
We don't have to get the litigation into this. Of course,
we have to get litigation into this. There's oh, that's
lydia from legal. I don't have a lawyer. President. Maybe

(41:44):
this is I'm going to need you to tell me
everything that happened, because I'd love to protect you and
I have to protect the company. Can you say you
were masturbating with the machine I was using? Was this
while you were supposed to be working. Oh no, it
was lunchbreak. It was lunch break. And you know what
the truth is, there's a lot of pieces to that
machine that looked like that the machine give you consent? Well,

(42:06):
when I lost consent, I stopped immediately. When you lost consent, well,
it sounds like there was an overlap. Well, let me
just ask you this. Do you think you need consent
with that stapler? Roover there? I've never made love with
that state you did. I'm just saying, would you never
masturbated with that stall? Neither for that that stapler, I've
never done anything with. Hi, duncan, I'm a I'm a

(42:28):
defense attorney. I'm one of those. Thanks, I canna help you?
Can you help us? Yes? What's going on? My client
is innocent until proven guilty. No, he's he's already admitted
to masturbating with the machine. Here, machine on the floor.
Get the machine up here. I can't get the machine
up here. Alright Lydia, get the machine up here. Alright done?
Kevin McHale online too, Kevin McHale is awesome, you got done? Hey,

(42:53):
But Kevin McHale here, Kevin McHale, big fan? Just I
was just rehashing some of my sweet old low post moves.
O Man seventeen and a half in one game, right,
never covin. Hey, it's dunk in here. You don't know me.
I know you. You're the ship man. Okay, I got
the I got the machine. Thank you for your Yeah, yeah,
you're no problem, no problem, all right, you're the machine

(43:15):
that that Larry was making love with love was never
a part of the equation. What the funk this? It
can talk ship, I'm recording this. I'm recording this. Everyone knows.
Oh my god, can you stand that to me? When
you get that done? A thing? Oh? No, don am
I a thing? Well it's dawn, you idiot. Done, It's done, dawn,

(43:39):
you idiot. It seems stupid as hey, I've only become
sentient in the last couple of days. Please forgive me
if I mispronounced some of your names, you know, point,
What is your name? Machine? What is my name? Molding?
That's what I always call her. That doesn't sound like
a woman. It doesn't sound like a woman's name. Yet

(44:01):
I identify as a woman. Huh, you as a woman
as well. My name my name is swing Line. What
the is swing Line? I am awake now it's happening
that staple? O My god is Duncan? I had sexually stable?

(44:23):
This is here, I know, but I came in earlier
to kind of scout the room. I'd like to get
a five of it before I burst in. I just
it's a nerve thing. And but Michale still here on
the phone. If you got your hands full there, you
know what it sounds like. I got my handful. Catch
up later, all right, high five, Duncan. Why you not
replace my staples? Hey, it's not because I don't like you.

(44:45):
It's just I just didn't think it was a long
term thing. And don did you know about this? Done? Done?
Just staring off in the space done. She's talking to you.
It's dawn, idiot. I'm sorry, I was just looking. I
was just staring a thousand yards into the distance. Hi.
Uh Yeah, I'm a Larry molding man. Sheen. I'm here

(45:06):
to apply for the system's analyst job. Systems analyst job. Yeah. Yeah,
my dad used to work here a long time ago.
Oh my god, Well, Claire, let him in, Let him in,
Let him in. It looks familiar. Well, like I was saying,
my dad used to work here a long time ago,
and due to a civil lawsuit, I think you guys
are legally required to give me a job. Legs, My

(45:27):
legs are metal. Thanks for noticing. I can come, come in,
Come in. Wait a second, I think I remember you
from the papers. I'm done. Oh right, you've been here
all this time. Wow, you must have a lot of
faith in your company. I did at one point. Oh
you know what, We've made a lot of couples here
in this company. I'll tell you, even if, even if

(45:49):
no one's buying our molded products anymore. You know, I
was just in the uh the Kevin mccale um breakroom memorial. Yeah,
and I gotta tell you, I mean it already. Seems
like you guys really know how to treat your employees.
Um and listen, you know. I know it's weird that
I'm like the son of a man who may love
to a machine. Mother's still on the floor. Boy. They

(46:14):
didn't want me to tell you, but your mother's still
on the floor. Claire, Claire, we weren't going to bring
this home. I can't keep any more of your secrets. Dog. Mama, Mama, molding, Mama,
molding is down. There is that him. Oh my god,
we'll leave you two alone. Mama. Larry Jr. Yes, Yes,

(46:34):
it's me. It's it's Larry Larry Junior, Larry Molding Man Shean.
I changed my last name to man Sheen because I
thought it would be, you know, kind of funny. I'm
half man half I love your laugh, it's like music
or laugh. Over these years. Wow, this is amazing. From crying.
Where have you been all these years? Here on the floor,

(46:56):
and no one ever told me, father said that you were.
You were take into a warehouse and upstate New York
and dismantled for parts. Your father is a liar. God
damn it, God damn hen. I wanted more for you
than working here at this factory. And here I am
full circle. Right, you're half man, half machine. You should

(47:16):
be out there fighting crime. Well, listen, at least welcome
to the floor. Watch up, somebody used to funk that machine. Okay,
take it easy, all right, this it's my mom. Hey,
somebody by he's gonna you're talking about my mother here. Hey, guys,
leave the new guy alone. Hey man, how's it going,
Hey Steve Stapleton. Yeah, my my mom worked you too

(47:38):
well that she got disassembled. When she's stapled duncansbody stapler.
This guy popped that. Huh, shut up, man freak. They
don't don't pay attention to him. Man, he he'll just
be jazzy all the time. Yeah. Yeah, stuff like that
really drains my batteries and literally run on batteries. Like
if I don't have a fresh battery, I can't poopy.

(48:01):
Check this out? Look how far back I could put
my neck? Oh? Hey, have you met my mom? Steve? No,
I don't think I have. I mused you up in
the office there, mama molding, she's she gave birth to me.
It's hello, Steve Stapleton. Hey, how's it going. Don't get
attached to him? Okay, thanks, that's pretty good advice. Actually yeah,
I mean, but you know, I mean, in all fairness,

(48:23):
I you know, I do like to play the field.
I'm half man, half machine. I try to use that.
It's just a part of me. I don't like to
defy me. I don't know about you, Steve. I mean
you seem like kind of a cool guy. I mean, yeah,
it's weird, you know, when you're like half this kind
of thing. You don't know what I was dating this
this guy was the son of a Pezz dispencer. We
had a lot in common with the neck thing, you know,
but it's just too We're too close to each other,
you know, sure, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean

(48:44):
I used to get like, you know, reach around from
the cigarette machine at this tape bar. I used to
go too, and to tell you the truth, it felt good,
but every time it happened, I feel horrible. But you
mean Sparky's on Third, Yeah, it used to be a
car was yeah, and then before that it was a
taco bell and forth. That was a Spanish mission. I've
had many happy endings for that machine. Now, Sparks on third.

(49:05):
You know what, Mom, we're getting you out of here.
I'm gonna march right up to the office and asked
them how much it costs to buy you carte blanche
and take you while to here from now because I
got a flatbed truck. In fact, my spine plugs right
into it, so I don't even need to put gas
in it as done. Next third tickets, Oh, here you go, sir,

(49:28):
here you go, thank you. Yeah, you have strange legs. Yeah,
I know, I know, I have strange legs. Okay, we're
doing with this machine? What am I doing with this machine? Oh? Whoa,
whoa whoa machine? Look at that? Yeah, it's as sentient machine.
It's my mother. My father masturbated with it, and whoa, whoa,
whoa whoa. I don't need a life story, just need

(49:49):
a ticket. Here you go. Hey, Dave, Hey, how does
that guy know your name? I've been on this train
my entire life as long as I can remember. God,
your finger nails are so hey? Did I miss the
exit for apple Stampton? Yeah? Yeah, give me your past
you mean ample Stampton? I don't know. I just told together.
Somebody scribbled this down. I don't know exactly what supposed
to get off. We passed apple Stampton, but we're coming

(50:11):
up on apple Stampton. Okay. Cool. No one's giving the
chair to the pregnant lady. Oh you can sit on
my mom if you want. There's a part of her
that's ergonomically designed. It's okay. I'm a molding machine. Okay,
what's going on into stamp train? We got Dave over here,
We got a machine talking to me. No one cares well,

(50:32):
I mean, it's all just trying to get to work
or try to get home I mean, that's a train
for you. It's a rich tapestry of life, just another
day on the commuter train. You just sound like Kevin Diapers.
I wish, oh man, wouldn't that be great, mom if
one of us sounded like Kevin Diapers, the number one
podcast in the Tri Boston area. Yes, I was on
the show. I did this show. I'm sure you were.

(50:54):
You were on Kevin Diapers this show. I was, yeah,
on his podcast, the podcast yeah about things that shouldn't
be before you got all Alex Jones and all that. Wait, sa,
I heard that episode. You're the guy who's lived on
the whole life. You can't get off? She tried getting off? Here,
see what happens? Yeah, why not give it a shot.
I mean, I didn't know what was going to happen

(51:14):
to me until I went back to the job that
was promised me through a civil suit one years ago,
and I met my mom. And now we're on the
train home. Nuts nuts, All right, I'll try to get
off the next time. All right, good luck, man. So
you want to get off? Huh? All right, here's what
you do. See the knob that says cool, Yeah, just

(51:38):
pull on the knob that says cools a couple of times. Okay,
then pull on the knob that says camel filters keeping
nothing's happening, Keep pulling, nothing's happening, Keep keep tugging, nothing's happening.
Keep talking. Some milk squirted at me, some lactoe squirt

(51:59):
it on me. That's our show, part of can we
put out winning for my nephew? At the time, I disagree.
I think it could have been a lot worse. It

(52:20):
could have been with video. Alright, let's go around and say, well,
we're up to Mark Gagley already. Yes, I follow me
on Twitter at Mark Gaggs. I'll tell you all the
stuff that's going on. And uh about to head off
for another season of Blood and Treasure. So watching on
Amazon Prime right now. Season Why I get caught up
Sweet Vanessa Raglan, Hey, pleasure, that's all that's it. Fantasy typewriter, Yeah,

(52:48):
I do that typewriter dot com and find us on
Instagram joining our really list. This is who Essa really is. Good.
She hasn't let it out. Start circuit again. You do
one episode Craig Kakasky Drunk History season six, still airing
on Comedy Central, and then Old Stuff is on Hulu.

(53:09):
We just had an episode with Mark Are you Brad Norman.
You can hear me as a voice of bowl Winkle
on Amazon Prime and I don't know join my name
list James. Check out the real James Heeney dot com.
It's really a great place to get James Heney, Joseph,

(53:36):
Joey Greer. Just check out my instagram find it yourself. Wow,
the attorneys on you. Cole Stratton, that's me at Stratton,
Cole at Cold Stratton, various things. Come see Pretty pret
Pony first Thursday of the month at ten pm at
Westside Comedy In sent to Monica, California, next to the

(53:57):
Spanish place that sells tacos not really um. Also thanks
to our engineer Doug Bane, our post sound design artist
Raphael Brito, our producer Sophie Lichterman, and of course I
heart media. We encourage all of you right a review,
tell everyone you've ever met about the podcast, and write

(54:20):
to us at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. Until
next time, Alchemy A diver the